Coffee Break: Fabric Defuzzer

131 Comments

1. I bought this exact depiller a few months ago and have used it with ease on a wide variety of fabrics. I’m obsessed with it.

   1. I have this one, too, and like it as well.

   2. +1. I have this same one and it’s still going strong, 18+ months later.

   3. Yes. This defuzzer has singlehandedly saved a significant portion of my closet. I think I used it to rescue ~$500 worth of sweaters the very first day I had it.

   4. Any chance this will work on carpet? Can’t get my cat to stop clawing it…

      1. Depending on the carpet, you’d be further ahead to take manicure scissors and snip off the taller threads.

      2. You’d be further ahead by taking manicure scissors and snipping off the taller threads.

         Then give your cat several scratching post/board choices and encourage him to use those.

2. I never heard of this gaddget, but it sounds like I really need one! I wonder if it will work to de-pill some of my lamb’s wool sweaters? I always wear these in the winter when I do NOT have my cashemere sweaters clean, and this sounds like a good way to get them to be smooth and nice. It is to early to start wearing them, but I think that I want to clean out all of my clotheing NOW to prepare for the fall/winter! YAY!!!

3. I may have to try this. I got a Remington one a while back but used it on my couch and it broke.

4. Trying to decide if I should find a new OBGYN. I like my doctor, but its about a 45 min drive away and the office people in her practice are terrible. In the past year they’ve lost my insurance info, accidentally sent my prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy, and scheduled me for recurring prenatal appointments, then argued with me when I said there had to be a mistake because I’m not pregnant. Surely even the best doctor isn’t worth all this cr@p, right?

   1. Right. The only way I would put up with that is if they were literally the only doctor within a 45 minute drive.

   2. I’ve changed insurance a few times in the past couple years (job change, marriage), so that means I’ve had to change doctors as well, and I’m consistently surprised by great doctors with downright surly and/or incompetent front office staff. I guess it’s a high-stress, low-paying job? Otherwise surely they wouldn’t treat patients this way…

   3. I left a doctor I liked because his staff were so terrible, and then I found a front office I really liked but the doctor was terrible. I have finally found an office with a staff AND doctor I really like. Keep trying!!

   4. After years of struggle, I finally found a doctor who was both able to diagnose and successfully treat my endo (after many specialists had, typically, told me it didn’t exist), and who can do a pap literally without me noticing. So no, I wouldn’t switch no matter the office staff, and I would drive 45 min or more. But she seems to be literally THE BEST doctor.

   5. Are you pregnant/will you be soon? Do you have any other reason to be seeing an OBGYN more than once every year or two? If the answer is yes, switch aSAP. If this is a once every PAP type hassle, I’d weigh whatever you drew you to the practice vs the hassle.

5. I had a medical form to fill out for one of my children that asked about “family stressors.”

   I think that this is about Serious Stressors (dad in prison, mom hooked on pills, family violence).

   I wanted to put something like “mom works” (BigLaw) b/c that is a family significant source of stress (for me, but it’s not like that doesn’t spill over) and schedule drama (who gets the kids tonight? is dad ultra frazzled b/c it is his turn? are kids upset b/c homework routine didn’t occur? will we ever get a good regular sitter to help out?).

   I will talk to the intake people and explain maybe (is for consult for ADHD meds).

   1. “Mom works” is not a family stressor. I know you’ve posted about this before, and I really think you should talk to a therapist about your guilt. Your husband works too!!!! Why is all this working parent guilt on your shoulders only?

      1. +1 – the stressor is that BOTH parents work, right? and the scheduling needs resulting from that?

   2. They are definitely talking about serious and/or abnormal stressor (sick parent, death in the family, etc.). Anyone that looks at the form and reads “mom works” will roll their eyes and put your child in the high maintenance category (whether kid is or isn’t). I would worry this might lead to the school not taking real stressors on your kid seriously in the future.

   3. OP, as the parent of a child with significant challenges (ASD and SPD), and who has been through a million assessment, those forms are trying to get a picture of your life. I always explain to assessors that the stressor is that both parents have full-time corporate jobs and all that goes along with that.

      As the poster above says, it is not that you work, it is that you both work and have busy, modern day lives (plus it sounds like you have at least one other child who presumably has scheduling stuff as well).

   4. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. Put it down if you feel like it’s important.

      1. Actually it is wrong to place the stress on her career and not her husband’s career. Why is it her career’s “fault?” It’s not.

         1. I meant for the form, but if you wanna pile on, go for it, I guess.

   5. Maybe the stressor is that you work long hours and have little time with the kids, your husband seems like he also works long hours if he’s not able to handle it, so that it’s hard to get a solid routine down for a kid.

   6. You know, my kids go to very diverse public schools and since they’re in high school now i have years of perspective on what is a “serious stressor” – mom went to jail, dad got shot, living with grandparent who died, not enough money for food, sister r@ped by uncle …. the list goes on.

      I can see that you feel guilty about working (and why is this only your problem? Doesn’t dad work too?) but that is really not what they’re looking for. And presumably you’ve worked since your kids were born, so they are used to your schedule. This is not a stressor. Stressors are usually big changes.

      1. Yes, stressors are things like unstable housing, access to food, or caregivers (meaning kids are often with different guardians, not babysitter changed.)

         However, I emailed my children’s teachers when my mother was going through cancer treatments out of state and me and my siblings were taking turns caring for her. This meant I was gone for a week at a time. My husband handled everything at home just fine, but I wanted my kids’ teachers to just know that the kids might seem a little off during this time given that I was gone and grandma was sick. They were fine and the teachers didn’t notice anything different but said they would keep an eye on them.

         1. Right but that was a change for you. Not your usual schedule.

   7. Wow — for everyone who has railed on here for years about how stressful BigLaw is, how stressful BigLaw + kids is, how stressful BigLaw + kids + working other spouse is, I have to say, if you have kids + BigLaw + working spouse and are super stressed out, then that is what you are. It’s not mom-in-prison stress, but is totally actually stress if you are feeling it (and if mommy is stressed, ain’t no one in the house non-stressed IMO; even your dog can probably feel it).

      “High level of parental stress due to crazy job” seems like a 100% true thing to say.

      It probably affects how well you deal with any treatment plan / follow-ups / etc.

6. Yes! I have one (different brand) and love it. I bought it a few years ago after someone commented here that she used it all the time and loved how it extended her clothes’ lives. I agree!

7. A dear friend is getting married in a few weeks. It’s a very small ceremony (family only) followed by a lunch for 25. They do not have a registry, and they are minimalists. They also have lots of dietary restrictions and do not drink, so my usual ideas of a restaurant gift card or a nice bottle of wine are both out.

   Is cash the best gift? What would you give in this situation?

   1. Usually not having a registry means they want cash.

      1. Not necessarily. They are having a small low key wedding. We were in similar circumstances and didn’t have a registry because it felt silly, plus we didn’t necessarily need anything. Truthfully, we didn’t expect gifts at all. But we were fine with “taking a chance” that someone would get us something we didn’t actually want. It wasn’t an issue. Most gifts we did get came with a gift receipt. A few personalized things weren’t my speed but I still appreciated the thought behind them. The only item I can legit say was a dud was a used vase, but even that happily lives at my mother’s house.

         In this situation, I might do a museum membership or something else “usable” if you know their tastes. If you would normally do a restaurant gift card, I think a visa cash card with a note that “dinner’s on you” would work well and let them pick a restaurant or use it as they see fit.

         1. Love the museum membership idea. Another idea might be a great floral arrangement?

   2. I would probably go with cash.

   3. Cash is the best gift. My fiance and I are doing something very similar and don’t plan to register anywhere – we already have all the household goods we could ever want. Any gifts we receive, no matter how small, will go towards a house downpayment fund. If they might be saving for a home (or a honeymoon, or literally anything else), cash is king.

   4. Having just been the bride in this situation a few months ago, truly, a card sending your good wishes is all they need. Disclaimer that we’re 40-ish, so we have good salaries to buy whatever we might need and set up our respective homes years and years before we met.

      The only gift we received was a group of sparkly “Mr. & Mrs.” accessories from TJ Maxx from my aunt and they went to Goodwill within days of arriving at our house. I actually felt more grateful for the relatives who just sent warm-hearted cards and understood that we didn’t need anything.

   5. Cash may be best, but I might also consider a donation in their name to a charity they both support, if you know that about them, or you’re able to ask friends closer to them. If not, what do they do on date nights? Would they use a gift card to a local movie theater, or museum passes?

   6. This was us. We got married in our 30s and had a tiny, family-only event. Between the two of us, we owned all the home funishings we needed and we make enough money to buy anything else. We are minimalists who have dietary restrictions and don’t really drink.
      Most people gave us nothing, which was fantastic; we don’t want stuff. Some people sent cards, which we enjoyed. One friend sent us a giftcard to the place where we stayed on our honeymoon and it paid for dinner for a few nights; that was awesome.

      I would go with a card. If you absolutely must do a gift, go with an experience gift or perhaps something that fits into their dietary restrictions (gift card for a coffee shop or fancy grocery store).

   7. It depends on their age and income, and how established they already are. For people less established, a really nice set of sheets or towels could be appreciated.

   8. Cash is always the best gift.

   9. A very good chef’s knife (assuming that because of dietary restrictions they may cook in more than eat out); a splurgy version of something they use. For example, I’m pretty minimalist but I like the occasional candle (esp in winter when the house is shut up a lot). I normally get Yankee Candle because they’re nice, but a really fancy splurgy candle would make me very happy especially if it came from a local store to me or a local store to somewhere important to you.

8. What was the best and/or most useful thing you got from your wedding registry? We already live together and have all of the basics, so we’re trying to think of what to upgrade or what to add. I’d love to hear the hive’s suggestions!

   1. If you have plants, nice planters. I registered for a couple from Williams Sonoma home that are way, way more than I would spend on planters myself but are so much nicer looking than what I had. (just make sure you get ones with drain holes)

   2. Vitamix
      A really pretty vase
      An aerobed
      A vacuum
      Le Creuset baking dishes and stoneware mugs
      Serving platters/bowls
      Nicer sheets/comforter/duvet cover

   3. nice sheets and towels.

   4. Nice sheets and towels, nice picture frames for wedding photos, luggage, pretty vases, pretty dishes and serving trays

   5. Towels. I’m the bride above saying we didn’t get or want gifts, but this reminds me that my mom bought us new towels and put them in the linen closet while she was housesitting for our honeymoon. (Aka, she had nagged us about our old dingy towels and when we didn’t buy new ones, she saw fit to take care of it herself haha. Once we started using them, we admitted she was right ;) )

   6. A very nice chef’s knife, an expensive coffee grinder we wouldn’t have bought for ourselves, and a lovely Georg Jensen pitcher (not on the registry, just from a relative with exquisite taste ;))

   7. sets of Tervis Tumblers

   8. Home date night in a bag! Fancy spaghetti sauce and pasta, microwave popcorn, fun movie theater boxes of candy, gift card to Blockbuster (because that used to be a thing), campy 2-person card game, etc.

      1. Ooops, I meant this for the other wedding gift thread above. This was a fun and unexpected gift to receive, but probably not something you should register for.

      2. That is so cute! I love any wedding gift that encourages couples to set aside time and have a “real” date night now and then.

   9. Allll the Le Creuset.

      1. + 100.

   10. Cordless stick vacuum for tidying the kitchen floor quickly after cooking
       Breville immersion blender
       Electric tea kettle
       One of those wooden bath caddies for the tub that lets you put a glass of wine and a book there while taking a bath
       +1 on the planter idea. Someone gave me a really pretty ceramic cachepot and I rotate seasonal potted flowers from Trader Joe’s in it and it looks soooooo luxe

   11. Nice sheets and towels and a new duvet. We like to entertain (a lot), so serving pieces (fiesta to match our everyday dishes, and a bunch of the Wilton Armetale for other occasions) were something I didn’t have but get a lot of use out of now. Also for entertaining, white cloth napkins, white table clothes and napkin rings. My All-Clad roaster turns out a beautiful turkey for the holidays, but if you’re unlikely to be hosting, don’t bother. I LOVE my Staub pots and would never have spent that kind of money on a pot for myself, but we use them all the time.

       There are mixed views on this board about the merits of china, but I am very glad we registered for and got ours even if at this season of toddlerhood the good stuff doesn’t come out that often.

       Things I’ve bought myself that I LOVE and would have registered for if I didn’t have them – dyson cordless vacuum, stemless stainless steel wine glasses for outdoors and parties, lodge cast-iron skillet, large wooden cutting board I can cut the aforementioned turkey on with ease, half-sheet pans and half-sheet silicone liners.

   12. I registered for a really nice suitcase (hardside) that has held up for 6 years of extensive travel so far. I would never have bought it myself but I love that I own it!

   13. I do 80% of my cooking in a large nonstick pan with high sides and a lid and 15% on rimmed baking sheets. So I’d get the very best version of those!

       +1 to an aerobed! Ours gets a good amount of use.

   14. Matching bedside lamps with shades.
       A very nice cutting board.
       Le Creuset casserole dish and griddle.
       All-Clad Pot with strainer and steamer inserts.

   15. A little off-beat, but a fan to set on top of our wood stove, which runs without any electricity. We were pressured into a registry, and I’m so glad this was one of the only things we received from said registry.

   16. Sodastream

   17. I got very nice kitchen knives and they are a huge improvement. I also love the gooseneck kettle we got with a digital temperature control.

   18. Anything from a store w/ a great return policy. We got a ton of stuff from CB but ultimately changed our mind on what we needed (after receiving 12 dish settings.) I’m glad that a year later we can use the giftcards to buy the things we now know we need instead of just inventing a need.

   19. TBD 10+ years out from the wedding, but wusthoff knives, electric kettle that looks nice on the counter 24/7, nice everyday silverware (Oneida, nothing fancy, but a matching set for heaven’s sake!), new white towels, bed sheets, nice coffee maker (only b/c we needed a new one.)

   20. Sheets and towels and plates get used the most. On the plates we had Ikea plates that were perfectly functional but didn’t match (combined sets) and we upgraded to plain white Crate and Barrel dishes. Le Crueset dutch oven. TravelPro luggage (carry on and a bigger one).

       Not on my registry, but I got a painting from a family member and it hangs in our kitchen. I had commented on the family member’s painting so she went to the local artist that painted it and had another similar one painted. Then we framed in in the days leading up to the wedding.

9. Me too, I may have been the recommender.

10. I like the look of wedge shoes but have not had good experiences wearing them. I have owned two pairs that both had inflexible soles which caused the shoe to slip off my heel when walking. Are all wedges like this? Are certain brands better?

    1. no- not all wedges are like that. I like my Cole Haan Tali wedges. If you look at them while they are not on a foot, I think you can tell the toe of the shoe actually points off of the ground, which is an indication that it will be flexible through the ball of your foot, vs the inflexible type you’ve tried before.

       1. I stopped wearing my Tali wedges because they fell off my feet, even with inserts. Some people just have narrow heels.

    2. my problem with wedges is that my ankles roll. I don’t have that problem with heels, but do in low wedges.

    3. I have a slightly narrow heel and find that Franco Sarto wedges work well as do Taryn Rose. My Cole Haans started slipped when they got stretched out

11. Longtime lurker firs time commenter here. My baby is 7 weeks and we’ve struggled with nursing the entire time. I have a great supply but her latch is terrible. I pumped for the first five weeks or so and have consistently supplemented with formula. We’ve been to the lactation consultant tons and had a tongue tie fixed, but she’s still pretty terrible at it – she can’t latch properly without the nipple shield and never seems satisfied after nursing. At this point my best guess is she’s getting 50/50 breastmilk/formula but it’s hard to know. Deep down I know she’ll be fine on formula, but it feels like a failure to stop after all this. That said, I’m exhausted of fighting with her, tired of sore boobs, and want to throw the pump out the window.

    Sorry for the novel wise ladies. Has anyone been there? If I do decide to stop nursing, any tips to avoid clogged ducts and serious pain?

    1. Fwiw, nipple shields aren’t inherently terrible. My 7 month old still uses one every time and has had no issues with weight gain (although my supply hasn’t been able to keep up in the last couple months and she now gets some formula). You absolutely shouldn’t feel like you have to keep nursing, but don’t feel like you have to stop using the shield if it’s working for you. My LC was super duper judgy about them (which I think is the view of LCs in general), but my ped was supportive and they’re the only reason my daughter was b-fed for 7 months and counting.

    2. You gave it a try, it didn’t work out, you try something different. That’s not a failure! Sunk fallacy – just because you “should” or you’ve put in all the effort doesn’t mean you have to continue down the path if its not going to be profitable (aka, baby gets enough to eat).

       If you don’t blame your baby for not latching (and why would you?), then you can’t blame yourself for not breastfeeding.

    3. She is still getting the benefits of breast milk. Whether it comes from a direct latch or out of a bottle is not of importance. And yes, she will be perfectly fine on formula alone as well. Life is too stressful with a new born as it is, try to relax in the comfort that as long as she is getting enough food from safe sources, she will be happy and healthy. And if she’s not eating enough, she has a proactive Mom who is on point in resolving the cause.

    4. Re: the shield, I nursed with it for ~16 months. I felt awful about it around 7 weeks, like “ugh why can’t I do this!?” but then again, the shield was a tool that worked for us, so … IDK there’s an anecdote about nursing with a shield.

    5. You’re not a failure! You’re doing great. Do what works for your family.

       Post on the moms site tomorrow and you’ll get lots of support for your specific questions on how to make the transition- there’s EBF moms, EP moms, combofeeding moms and formula feeding moms. Lots of varied experience. It’s one of the least judgmental/most practical advice mommy blog places I’ve found.

       If you do want to continue to try with BF, ask for LC recommendations. Posters ususally have specific recommendations for different cities. Some LCs are great, and some are not great. But it’s also totally fine to be done and stop.

    6. If you are looking for technical tips, a lactation consultant would be your best bet–but it sounds like you’ve been there, done that and it hasn’t worked.

       If you are looking for fellow moms on the internet to reassure you that your daughter will be fine if you switch to formula, then I’m here for you! You have to make the decision that works best for your family all around–which includes yourself. If that decision is formula, then more power to you. It’s not a failure, it’s a success if it’s the best decision for your family.

       1. +1 You are the same awesome mom, whether feeding your child BM or formula! Your job is to nurture her, love her, take care of her, and comfort and cheer her, which you will do no matter what she eats and how she eats it!

    7. I’d recommend that you post this on the Moms page tomorrow morning. There are lots of women there who have formula fed, combo fed, or nursed and then switched, and they can give you good advice. In fact – check out the page today and there is a post about switching from nursing to formula.

       You’re not a failure! Your baby is loved and fed. You’re doing great. Remember that being a mom doesn’t mean being a martyr.

    8. EBF for 9 months here, then combo fed. My daughter used nipple shields the whole time. She latched literally twice. Ever.

       I bought 10 shields, kept one in each bra cup at all times, and kept it moving. I loved nursing and consider us a success.

    9. (1) You might try a different lactation consultant. I had three before I found one who fixed my daughter’s latch problem.

       (2) in my case, 6-8 weeks were the absolute worst time. My n*pples were red, raw and sore. I had mastitis. I cried all of the time. They (like a miracle) I turned the corner. You might try giving it your best shot for another week and then stop, content in the knowledge that you gave it your best.

       Good luck!! Please know that either way you are a great mom and your baby will be fine.

    10. I minimized clogged ducts in a similar situation by dropping one pump every 4ish days – first went to all pumping from nursing, then dropped night pumps one by one, the day pumps. If for example I had been pumping at 1 pm and 4 pm, I would switch to just 2:30. It took a month to be totally done. I also took Sudafed to dry things out (may not have fed baby that milk- don’t remember). Baby did great on formula and I am resolved not to pump, ever, this go-round.

12. My secretary keeps telling me she wants me to use her more, and I feel like I could delegate more. However, she has dropped the ball in the past, so I’m a little wary. Something seems to have happened such that she has been much more proactive and helpful lately than in the past, so I do want to give it a chance. Any thoughts on what — besides the obvious — I ought to be delegating to make my life easier, and how to make sure I properly supervise her? I’m a mid/senior level biglaw transactional associate.

    1. Can you start with lower-risk tasks? I.E. perhaps having a calendar summary and relevant documents for meetings available each morning when you walk into work? Would it work to have a weekly meeting to go over to-dos, or a running document that both of you can access where you add tasks to the list for her? Or is there a way for you to comment on (compliment) her change in attitude, and ask her what she’s doing that’s different b/c you really appreciate it? (Grasping at straws here, I realize.)

    2. My (invaluable, more accurate than a first-year associate) assistant does the following for me: processes reimbursements, proofreads my transactional documents (including using software that does definition checks), puts in automatic cross-references and tables of contents, tracks my fed ex’s and correspondence, often does the first draft of cover letters when sending closing or signing sets around, pulls together the closing and signing binders once I send her the PDFs and an index (she does the first draft of the index off the checklist and then I tweak), keeps my (limited) hard-copy files updated, inputs hand-markups from partners into the working draft, and drops specialist comments into the master. I’ve also had her type up my hand notes from meetings if for some reason I need to send them around. I supervise her by spot-checking the same way I would a first-year associate that I trust.

13. Is it my imagination or has Lands End sort of given up on being fashionable this season? I know they’ve had leadership turnover and some concerns about the company’s direction, but their items seem downright dowdy for fall. As in, the mom on Home Improvement dowdy (eek).

    1. Land’s End has always been on the dowdy side in my opinion, though they have some good classic options. I think the clothes run very big and are generally too big for their models, which doesn’t help them look modern.

    2. I’m sorry but I feel like they’ve always been this way. (Mom on The Middle too!) Did i miss some high fashion Land’s End moment?

       1. There was a brief period where it seemed they were trying to be a bit more fashion forward, or maybe just less dowdy? The Canvas line was one aspect. And then just think more fitted wool dresses vs. all stretchy ponte, all the time. It didn’t seem to take though and after their Gloria Steinem debacle the fashion-pushing CEO left and back to their roots they went.

14. I have this, and it’s so satisfying to use! Definitely a good thing to have!

15. Interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this… recently I have been feeling extremely let down by the people in my life (with the notable exception of my husband). I’m wondering if people who are generally viewed as independent/successful/competent get less support/help from their friends and family. When I got married a year and a half ago, none of our parents helped with our wedding financially, which was totally fine and we would never have asked. But they also offered/provided almost no other type of support. What my husband and I really would have liked was emotional support- showing some interest (not even that much!) in our wedding planning would have made us so happy. Instead, we mostly heard about how stressful everything was for them. Keep in mind, all they had to do was show up and (for husband’s sisters) buy a bridesmaids dress. None of these people have financial problems.

    Now we’re expecting a baby in the fall. Our parents have expressed happiness/excitement over the baby (first grandchild on all sides), but haven’t offered help or support beyond that. MIL never texts or calls or emails to check in to see how I’m doing. My mom is organizing a baby shower, but really most of it falls to us because planning stresses her out. MIL wants to invite a bunch of her friends to said shower, but doesn’t seem to want to contribute to it in any way. MIL wants us to travel out of town for Thanksgiving which is the week before my due date (!) and when my husband said no multiple times, decided that she and husband’s siblings are going anyway, even though it means we won’t spend the holiday with them, which I know is really bumming my husband out.

    My girlfriends have expressed happiness for us and they do ask about pregnancy/baby stuff when I see them (which is rare since everyone is so busy/hard to schedule), but I basically never get a check-in email or call or text. I don’t think I am expecting a ton. When a friend is pregnant or wedding planning or in a new job or whatever, I generally send a few check-in texts or make time to call to see how she is doing. I am not the type of person to talk a lot about baby stuff anyway, so it’s not like I’m hogging in-person conversations with this stuff. I just feel sad that no one seems to care.

    I guess I’m just feeling really disappointed and wondering whether this is a “me” problem or whether my husband and I seem outwardly like we don’t need any of these things? MIL seems to focus way more on her other kids, who are needier. But she is also super, super demanding of my husband (i.e. throwing a fit if we don’t spend holidays with her and the entire family, accusing my husband of being a bad brother to his siblings if he doesn’t come to every single thing/help with moves, etc., but not expecting that they help us with anything).

    I am super grateful for my husband and we’re excited to start our own family. But I would really like to feel taken care of too sometimes!

    1. I’m sorry to say that as you enter parenthood, being taken care of is a thing of the past. You will not be the caregiver, and that is as it is supposed to be.

       I hate it when people say my emotions are due to hormones, but it’s kind of true during pregnancy. Things that would have bothered me a bit normally bothered me a ton when I was pregnant – and I’ve had three. It happened every time.

       Your family sounds like they are behaving fairly normally, just not as excited as you are. Your mom is throwing you a baby shower. Your inlaws wanted you to take a trip with them, however unrealistic.

       But you’re not the baby any more, and after your baby is born you will REALLY not be the baby anymore. Becoming self sufficient and forming your own family unit is just part of adulthood.

       If you need to be pampered and spoiled, and there is nothing wrong with that per se, you’re going to have to do it yourself – like a prenatal spa day, for example. The trouble is expecting anyone else to pamper and spoil you. It’s just not realistic.

       1. I hear you, and thanks for your response. I know they say comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s really hard not to be envious of friends’ relationships with their families. I see my girlfriends’ moms doting on them, friends who recently had babies getting tons of emotional and logistical support from their families, etc. and it’s really hard knowing that we will never have that.

          1. Just remember that it’s easy to idealize someone else’s relationship. My one friend with the most enthusiastic, involved family also has boundary issues with them. You never know.

             1. +1 Family support comes with so many strings attached.

                It sounds like you might need to tell your family what you need – tell your MIL you’d love to hear from her more, for example. Often people don’t know what you need, so they err on the side of staying out of the way.

       2. You will *now be the caregiver.

       3. I 100% agree with this comment, said so much better than I could have.
          – Your husband is the main person other than yourself who you can expect to “take care of” you going forward. Many times you’ll have to take care of him too, that’s part of the give and take of marriage so there could be times when you are both worn out and frazzled from parenthood and he isn’t able to give you the care you need or you might need to do so for him.
          – Expect less from your parents all around. It’s a secret to happiness – keep expectations low and you’ll be positively surprised most of the time. They are happy for you, they are excited to meet their first grandbaby, they have their own lives and are taking vacations or hanging out with other members of their family as they would normally do. They will probably come visit the baby sometime. They will probably buy a gift or two. You shouldn’t expect more.
          –

    2. Maybe people are taking their lead from you? If you are not talking about baby stuff maybe they think you don’t want to share, and they don’t want to pry? If I were your friend that’s what I would be doing. (See, e.g., all the posts around here about how people are upset for people getting all up in their business when they are p.g.)

       So yes, I think the answer to your question is people who are viewed as competent and independent generally are going to be given less support/help/kibbitzing. So how about asking for what you need?

       1. Thanks, and that makes sense. I have told my mom that I’d like more emotional support, and she has actually told me that since my husband and I are independent and successful, she doesn’t think we need any. I wonder if she resents me in some way. My husband has also expressed to his mom that he would like more from her, but I’m starting to think she is just not built that way. Our moms are very different but ultimately we both take care of them way more than they take care of us. I totally get that that would be the case once parents are older/have health problems, but both of our moms are in good health and still working.

          I suppose I can tell my girlfriends that it would be nice to hear from them more often. It just feels a lot less genuine.

          1. “I have told my mom that I’d like more emotional support”

             Have you been specific about what that means for you? As a person who can be somewhat clueless, I can tell you that my sister has told me before that she doesn’t think I give her enough emotional support and I had no idea what she wanted me to do or say in response. What were my action items supposed to be? If you can’t articulate it clearly when you ask for it, you can’t expect your mom/friends/other loved ones to be able to interpret it and step up.

    3. You need a little perspective here. Your parents and in-laws are “have expressed happiness/excitement over the baby.” Your mother is throwing you a baby shower. Your mother in-law is inviting people to the shower and wanted you to travel with them. Your girlfriends “have expressed happiness”and “ask about pregnancy/baby stuff” when you get together. Nothing about their actions sounds rude or unsupportive, and please trust me that most people would be thrilled with this level of friend/family support.

       Your pregnancy is the most important thing in you and your husband’s life right now. That’s normal. But for your friends and family (especially your friends), it’s not really that big a deal. They are happy for you and wish you well and realize it’s an important event for you (just like they have their own important stuff) but it’s probably not something they think about on a regular basis. If they’re happy to talk about the baby when you’re together, they ARE being supportive. Expecting them to be constantly calling or emailing you to check in is kind of ridiculous. Are you calling them to check in on their lives? Friendship is a two way street.

       1. Agree completely. You’re not the first person in the world to get pregnant. You cannot expect everyone else to call and check in on you the way you sound like you want them to.

    4. It sounds like a good chunk of what you’re upset about is people failing to message you out of the blue. I’ll be blunt: that’s unreasonable. If you want to talk to someone, message them and/or go hang out and talk. You can’t expect them to know that you want them to contact you. They can’t read your mind.

       On the planning the baby shower front, it sucks that your family expects you to plan your own shower. I deal with my family expecting me to plan events that are supposedly to celebrate me all the time and I find it vastly irritating. I have tried refusing to plan anything, and just acquiescing and doing it all myself, depending on my capacity to deal with it on a case by case basis. If you really feel like you don’t have the capacity (either emotionally or timewise) to plan this shower, you don’t have to have one.

       1. As usual, I agree with Torin. First paragraph+1.

          I also wholeheartedly agree with CPALady’s second paragraph below. If you want something, you need to ask for it. People aren’t mind readers. You also can’t expect from others what you expect from yourself. People are individuals with their own ways of expressing love and communicating. I am a self sufficient single adult whose friends are all married and/or parents. If I want something from them, I ask for it. I don’t sit on my couch hoping they read my mind that I want a girls’ dinner or want to have game night or need a shoulder to cry on.

          Leaving my expectations of others behind has greatly improved quality of life and general happiness.

    5. I think you are expecting too much. When a friend gets married or has a baby, I’ll ask about how its going when we get together. But I’m not sending her emails or texts to check in on her. Part of that may be my personality, as I’m not a big texter, and part of it is that I’m also busy. My friends know that I would drop everything to help if they asked, but, frankly, we are all adults and I’m going to assume everything is ok unless they tell me otherwise.

       With regards to your families, they are excited and want to celebrate at a baby shower with you. I’m not really clear on what you think they should be doing that they are not.

    6. I don’t think you’re expecting too much. I have the same issue with my parents, particularly my mom. Literally if I don’t call them, we will go months without talking. They showed basically no interest in my wedding. In fact, I feel like they show no interest in my life at all. It’s weird because my mom was super involved in my life when I was younger, even through college. But now I rarely see or hear from either of my parents. I have the same theory as you – I think it’s a byproduct of being successful and independent – my mom feels like I don’t “need” her anymore. And clearly, I can get by on my own, but it would be nice to have the closer relationship that we used to have and that I see others have with their mom. I also know that for my wedding I got the sense that my mom felt like I’m in a “different circle” now and so she had nothing to contribute or didn’t know how to help me, but really all I wanted was just for her to show a little interest. I talked to her about it once, but it didn’t really improve things. I’m now seeing a therapist for some physical health issues, and we talk about this quite a bit and it’s been helpful for me to accept how it is rather than letting it upset me.

    7. Your post resonated with me, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. DH and I are independent, self-sufficient people, so we don’t depend on our parents for day-to-day support. For example, I have friends who must talk to their mothers once a day, whereas I talk to mine a few times a month. My parents and in-laws are very caring, but our independence creates a bit of emotional distance. For our wedding, they assumed we had every under control. We did, but it would have been nice to have their help. We asked for some help, but we’ve trained them (so to speak) to assume we’ll catch any falling balls and won’t let anything fall through the cracks. So they helped with what interested them (sending us photos of extravagant, unaffordable flower bouquets), not necessarily with what we truly needed help with (tracking down addresses for random relatives). How my parents treat my sister is a 180 from this, they’re up in her bizness because she’s needy and high maintenance. But I don’t want that, so I mostly accept things now, and I try to recognize that I can’t project my high expectations of myself onto others. Would I send little helpful gifts and maybe a certificate for a massage to my pregnant sister? Absolutely. Should I expect that from her? No; I should expect a hearty congratulations at the announcement and some weird bibs at the birth.

       1. Hahaha. Thanks for the commiseration :)

       2. Same song here. I am ultra self-reliant. My husband is, too, so we have also trained people that we do not need help. This really shows up in the fact that we receive absolutely no help from my able bodied mother who is retired and lives three miles away. I’m not asking her to be a nanny or to cancel after-school or summer day camp child care but it would be so incredibly helpful if she would take my daughter to the dentist or decide to help with a French culture project or anything that prevents me from taking off work or staying up late to accomplish. She does things for my sister when asked but then complains so bitterly that it does not seem worth the ask.

          I completely understand how you feel. There is a part of me that really wants my mother to do something nice for me “just because”. Or I would not be opposed to a small parade to celebrate the fact that I am completely independent and never impose on her in any way. :)

    8. Just for context, I recently had a baby. I’d describe my parents as incredibly supportive, but beyond an initial call when they told me they were very happy for us, I don’t remember a lot of discussion about it. I sent them one or two ultrasound photos and they reacted appropriately (eg, “aww cute, we can’t wait to meet her!”, but they certainly weren’t reaching out to me to talk about pregnancy. They didn’t throw me a shower or attend the shower my friends threw me. They both still work and they travel a lot and although they were very happy to have a granddaughter, she’s not the center of their universe. And I think it would be kind of self-centered of me to expect her to be.

    9. “I’m wondering if people who are generally viewed as independent/successful/competent get less support/help from their friends and family.” I could have written this, too, 20 years ago. I was the competent one who didn’t appear to need any help and therefore didn’t get any. I had to learn to show need. This was hard, because I liked being seen as strong and competent.

       I also had developed a dynamic with my mother where she got overwhelmed, and I got competent, to compensate. This kind of dynamic (which you appear to have with your mom) develops over years, and won’t change with one conversation.

    10. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Your situation about your friends checking in reminded me of when my best friend was pregnant – the first time around, she got kind of annoyed when I (or other friends) would text or check in on how she was doing. She basically would say she was “fine” and complained people only wanted to talk to her about being pregnant and she would prefer nobody ask how she was because if something was up, she’d tell them. When she got pregnant the second time around, I took cues from the first time and kept such check-ins to a minimum. Now she tells people she felt alone and depressed that people did not check in on her during the second pregnancy. Yet she never told anyone she needed that the second time around! I apologized for not realizing she needed more support the second pregnancy, as I love her and feel terrible that she was upset, but I also kind of felt like – how was I supposed to know what you wanted/needed when you didn’t express that and is it fair to be upset with friends for something they couldn’t know.

        My point to this is just that I’m sure your friends truly care and are happy about your pregnancy, but perhaps gentle guidance as to what you need from them would really help so you don’t feel resentment about something they can’t know you need.

16. I’m looking for a dining/kitchen table. There are a bunch with really interesting bases, but you can’t push in the chairs all the way as a result. Anyone have a table like this? Does it getting annoying? Does it look messy?

    1. Yes, no, and no. The chairs stick out about 8 inches or so from the edge of the table, but it’s the same for each chair so it doesn’t look messy to me.

    2. Yes, it is annoying. We have a kitchen table like that and it’s… annoying. I inherited it when I moved in with my hubby but I wouldn’t choose a table like that.

17. “I am super grateful for my husband and we’re excited to start our own family. But I would really like to feel taken care of too sometimes!”

    Okay, I totally get this. I want this too. And unless I very very specifically ask for EXACTLY what I want (e.g. send my husband an email with a link to the exact spa package I want for my birthday or whatever), I don’t get it, because no one else around me is a mind reader who lives to cater to my whims. This is an extremely important thing to grasp before your marriage is thrown into the stress of parenting a newborn. Otherwise you’ll end up seething with stress and resentment.

    I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and it is 100% because I started asking for exactly what I wanted, to the point where my generally good but not particularly perceptive husband has gotten the memo and sometimes comes up with good things on his own too (note: I do not expect this, but I’m pleased when it happens). This includes laying out my expectations for holidays, birthdays, mothers day, the whole nine yards. I lay out my expectations very clearly, openly, and un-dramatically, with enough time in advance that the person I am asking can make it happen. My husband is welcome to do the same, and I am happy to try to make sure he gets what he needs too. And just because I ask for something doesn’t mean I’m going to get it– but it opens the door to conversation and compromise at the very least.

18. Took an uber to the airport with a friend last week and she mentioned today that she rated the driver lower because he didn’t get out of the car to help us put our luggage in the trunk of his car. I always appreciate it when a driver does that (whether for yellow cabs or for ubers/lyfts), but I’ve never given a lower rating for not doing that. Is that a normal expectation? NYC area fwiw

    1. It’s an expectation that the driver help you get your luggage out, yes – at least I’ve never experienced a driver that didn’t, with Uber, Lyft, or a standard taxi. Would I rate the driver one star for that for an otherwise normal ride? No. Would he get 4 instead of 5 stars? Yep – it’s a normal expectation.

    2. No. I can handle my own stuff. Also, giving uber drivers low ratings (except for extreme cases) isn’t nice. They have to maintain a 4.something to keep driving, so a 4-star review is basically a 1-star review. People that give out 3 or 4-star reviews because of stuff like this really bug me.

    3. NYC area? It’s better to take an actual cab so that you’re not supporting the gig economy. And they will help you with your suitcases.

       1. Is taxi driving better than Uber/Lyft for the workers? My understanding is that taxi drivers normally pay by the day to rent the car + medallion, so they can end up making extremely little. From my understanding, taxi drivers don’t get treated or protected like an employee.

    4. I kind of expect luggage help but probably wouldn’t down-rate for lack of it. I have a friend who isn’t partially disabled and drives Lyft. She absolutely could not help with luggage but driving is about the only thing she can do, so I would hate to think of people interfering with her livelihood over something so minor.

       1. Who *IS partially disabled

    5. I do not expect that.

       I rate lower for cars that reek of smoke (cigarette or pot), driving like a madman, or profane music (my 6 year old nephew doesn’t need to hear about them b*tches).

    6. I wouldn’t give a lower rating for that. I did when the trunk was full of stuff and the driver needed to pile our bags up in the front seat. Unsafe.

    7. I rate every uber/lyft driver 5 stars unless they do something that straight up endangers me (v dangerous driving, sexual harassment level stuff) bc they lose their job if their rating falls below something ridiculous like a 4.8. even some 4 stars on a consistent basis could take away their livelihood. theres very little in terms of my own comfort or convenience that I rank above a person keeping their job. I’ve worked in customer facing jobs before and know that people can be picky about really inane stuff so I just give them the rating boost no matter what. I don’t expect an uber/lyft driver to do my luggage for me, just a regular cab, but am pleasantly surprised and accept when they offer.

       1. I haven’t docked a driver a star yet. I felt uncomfortable with one driver who didn’t turn down his BLASTING music for pick up or drop off (even that might be fine; I’ve had a lot of hard-of-hearing drivers who don’t necessarily speak, but he also seemed weirdly hostile). I also felt uncomfortable with one lady who seemed unfamiliar with city driving and who told story after story about all the car accidents she’d been in in the past year. But neither of those things actually put me at risk; they were just unpleasant.

          I’ve had terrible experiences with taxi drivers though, and there was no one to leave a review with. So I’ll keep supporting the gig economy for now!

       2. This. I’d just tip more generously if they helped with my bags.

       3. This. And I tip extra if I have luggage.

       4. I’ve rated a driver 4* (and also complained directly to Uber) when he clearly pretended to get lost to go way out of the way in DC. Too bad for him I lived there for several years and knew what was up. Same thing happened the NYC outskirts (westchester) but the driver was actually lost and did something so that I didn’t have to pay for the issue (like turning off the meter, idk what it was).

          I also rated a driver a 4 because she was an INSANE driver. I was in Milwaulkee and legit googled top hospitals in the area while in the car in case I had to go to one. If my knuckles turn white from your driving and/or is feel uncomfortable having my kid in your car, it’s goinng to be a bad rating. That’s the point.

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