Tuesday’s TPS Report: Savannah Speckled A-Line Dress

Lafayette 148 New York Savannah Speckled A-Line Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love a basic black sheath dress — and this speckled stretch knit from Lafayette 148 New York has just enough of a punch to really elevate the basic, but keep it extremely versatile. It’s on a great sale at Last Call, where it’s available in sizes 0-16 — it was $648, then was marked to $369, but is currently marked to $258. Lafayette 148 New York Savannah Speckled A-Line Dress 

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  1. Dealing with Imposter Syndrome :

    I started a new job at the end of June and am struggling with Imposter Syndrome. This job is a new functional role for me (Enterprise Sales) and not something I have direct experience in. I do, however, know that once I get a few months under my belt and some solid training, I will be great. For now though, I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water and am questioning how I will be able to do this new job. The logical part of my brain says I’m being crazy and give it time but the illogical part of my brain is psyching me out.

    I was wondering how others have overcome similar mental struggles and would appreciate any book recommendations anyone has about IS.

    • The only thing I can tell you, is, it gets better. I experienced imposter syndrome when starting my own business and while networking to grow it (before social media/Linked In – it was all face-to-face networking or selling myself as a consultant to firms who were looking for part-time staff) and I constantly felt as though I was misrepresenting myself as more relevant/experienced than I was in the field. This, while it was a completely new industry to me but I strongly believed my skills were transferable and it turned out to be true! You just have to keep telling yourself you can do it.

    • Rachelellen :

      I had something similar when I made a big career change not so early in life. Keep your head down, breathe deep, ask questions, read voraciously, be thoughtful about what you’re doing, be humble, and just know that a) it gets better and b) it gets better in ways you could never imagine – when brass rings and accolades come, they feel amazing because you’ve sweated for them.

    • I’ve been reading The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, which I’m pretty sure has been recommended here before. I’m only about halfway through so it’s more focused on identifying the behavior and thoughts that perpetuate Imposter Syndrome but I find it useful so far.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I definitely recommend this book. There are some exercises and advice in dealing with it based on the specific type if imposter syndrome you are dealing with.

    • This is obviously not a serious article, but reading it made me realize what constant self-doubt actually sounds like and just how irrational it is. http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-today-the-day-they-find-out-youre-a-fraud,35133/

    • Dealing with Imposter Syndrome :

      Thanks for all the advice! I’ll take a look at that book.

    • You mainly just fake it until you feel comfortable. Believe me, everyone is doing this. :)

  2. Ellen, did you hear the news that CRUMB’S liquidated? How are you holding up? Do you think you’ll be abel to loose the weight now?

    • Platinomad :

      Thank you, so much. I, too, am worried about Ellen’s mental health post Crumbs downfall. The upside could be touchus related.

      • Rachelellen :

        I’m pretty sure my hipps can only benefit.
        I’ve been wondering what happened to the woman who had some money to invest on behalf of an older relative. If you’re out there, what did you decide?

    • I immediately thought of ELLEN when I saw the news!

    • I did hear about this, and I am crushed b/c I have NOT patronised it as much lately b/c I was tryeing to get back into shape and loose weight to fit into my bikini this summer. If ONLEY men would not be so focused on us being so svelte, and accept us for ourselve’s, tuchuses and all, I think CRUMBS would have survived. Dad told me about this and said this is what happens when store’s do not care about how much peeople eat. I think Bloumberg’s soda thing probabley did NOT help either b/c every one was focused on our weight and our tuchuses. FOOEY!

      As for the sheathe dress, it is beautiful, and acutally affordeable! Great Pick Kat. I am abel to fit into size 2 now (and without CRUMBS) will probabley be able to continue over the winter, when I would otherwise eat alot of cookie’s and cakes. I think I will have to go to Zaro’s in GCT and Penn Station more often b/c they have great cookie’s and cake’s. YAY for Zaro, FOOEY about Crumb’s!

      • So basically its Ellens fault that Crumbs went under. She was keeping them in business

  3. Amelia Earhart :

    I found out yesterday that I’m positive for BRCA2. I’ve been sort of weepy all morning, and I don’t feel in control of my emotions. I hate that. I was the first positive my doctor has had and didn’t give me a ton of direction, so I’m trying to navigate this on my own. Does anyone have any experience with this or advice?

    Thank you in advance.

    • No advice or experience, but you’ll be in my thoughts.

      • Anon in NYC :

        +1. No advice, but positive spin: now you know you can and should be vigilant about preventative health care. Knowledge is your friend here.

    • cavity maker :

      I don’t have any words of advice. I just wanted to say that I am sorry.

      you possibly already found this, but it might be helpful to you.


      The ACA and American Lung Cancer Society websites were really helpful to me in navigating my dad’s diagnosis.

      • Amelia Earhart :

        I had glanced at this but not read it thoroughly. I appreciate it regardless.

    • So very sorry for your diagnosis, but you shouldn’t be navigating this alone. Ugh. ask for a referral to a doctor with as much experience with your diagnosis as you can find in your area.

      For anyone curious, here’s information on it:http://m.cancer.gov/topics/factsheets/BRCA

      • Also, this is why I hate the medical profession. After being diagnosed with cancer and told I should Google the risks and benefits of radiation and to let him know my decision, it just makes me rant when I read about the utter lack of quality and compassion.

        • Amelia Earhart :

          Ugh, that’s awful. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing well now.

    • First, I’m very sorry to hear that. Best of luck.

      If it was me, I’d like to know I have a plan. What concrete steps do you need to take to stay healthy? Does this mean you need more screening more often? Do you need to find a doctor with more experience treating women with a positive test? Even down to a timeline of when each of those steps need to happen can be helpful. I find that when I get bad news, being able to focus on the short-term plan can help distract me from the long-term possibilities. And for today, can you try to stay as busy as possible at work so you don’t have downtime to think about it?

    • I am sorry for your news. Someone that I went to high school with also tested positive and I know that she is involved with several support groups (I believe both local and also national via the web). See if you can find a local support group. The members will have been through this and should be able to recommend a doctor with more experience.

    • I’m really very sorry for both your diagnosis and the crappy care you received. If you feel comfortable, post what city you’re in and maybe we can recommend a physician/oncologist for you to talk to. If not, general advice would be to look up a research university and make an appointment with their oncology department to talk through what this means for you. Lots of hugs.

    • I would suggest that you ask your doctor for a referral to someone with more experience. I tested positive for BRCA2 at 26 (mother and maternal grandmother both survived breast cancer) and my doctor referred me to MD Anderson. My was very knowledgable – as in he sees hundreds of positive BRCAs a month – and set my mind at ease with an aggressive monitoring plan. After three years of annual mammograms, I have tested negative twice and the doctor has determined my initial test was a false positive. I have elected to continue mammograms due to my family history but I am incredibly thankful for the second opinion.

    • lucy stone :

      My mom is a 28 year survivor of breast cancer. She was diagnosed when I was 3. I worry about breast cancer since it’s on both sides of the family, but I take the right steps to be proactive (annual mammograms, self-exams, exercise, eating healthy) and I don’t know what else I can do at this point. I’d encourage you to find another physician to counsel you on this. and wish you the best of luck making a plan to handle your diagnosis. Are you familiar with Bright Pink? This might be a good resource for you.

    • Don’t go through this alone! Ask your doctor to refer you to a specialist or a genetic counselor. Or if not your doctor (seemed unhelpful to being with), call a large practice or women’s health clinic in your area and ask them if they have someone to recommend.

      • +1.

        If you have a medical school in your region, that’s probably another good place to look for recommendations. Look in their gynecological oncology program.

    • The American Cancer Society has good resources. Also check out Live Strong and the Susan Komen foundation. I know there are “issues” with these groups, but I think they do a good job helping “patients.” Which I put in quotes, because although BRCA1/2 mutations do increase your risk, it’s not necessarily 100%.

      Also, if you are in a major city, see if you can find yourself a genetic counselor or clinical geneticist. In my experience, MDs are woefully poor at understanding genetics and risk.

      Good luck to you!

    • prof on a bike :

      I’m sorry about your diagnosis and your experience with your doctor! As others have said, you definitely need a referral to a larger medical center that can help you evaluate your risk and set you up with an appropriate monitoring plan. One good first step would be to get in touch with a genetic counselor who can look at your test results and tell you how much of an increased risk you actually have — just knowing that you’ve tested positive for a mutation in BRCA2 is not enough info; there are hundreds of known mutations in the BRCA genes, and while some can dramatically increase your risk, others have more moderate effects. Getting involved in a research study might also be beneficial (if you’re near a major medical center), because in many cases they’ll re-contact you as they discover new information about the particular mutation you have.

    • I have not been tested yet but I suspect that my family also has this gene.

      If you have not already, go see a genetic counselor. I went to a woman at Penn who actually specialized in this. She was excellent. For family reasons, no one has gone through with the testing but she offered a whole wealth of information about next steps, connections to surgeons, etc. I will post her name in a link to follow.

      You will be in my thoughts.

      • http://www.penncancer.org/patients/find-a-doctor/85/index.cfm

        Her name is Susan Domchek if it’s not linking to her directly.

        My Mom (a cancer survivor) came with me too. Dr. Domchek had a great bedside manner and spent a significant amount of time answering all of our questions. I highly recommend her.

    • I just want to send love and happy thoughts your way. <3

    • ((hugs)) My mom and maternal grandmother both had breast cancer and neither received great care/counseling. I work in breast cancer research and I’m shocked at my mom’s treatment (my grandmother died in the late 1950s so I am not so surprised). My mom is still confused about her diagnosis (breast cancer is not really just one disease) and it blows my mind that a doctor would recommend invasive surgery without fulling explaining the disease and its progression to a patient! So I can only imagine what you’ve gone through.

      I know I’m probably BRCA positive given my family history (even without the gene, I have a ~50% chance of developing breast cancer sometime in my life). But working the field I know that screening and treatment are both improving dramatically, and that a positive result (in genetic screening, in mammography, even from a biopsy) are not the end.

    • Hugs. Hope you get a referral for someone who can guide you.

    • I’m a little late to this thread, but wanted to just add my encouragement because I am a researcher who works in this topic area. News like this can be challenging to take in, especially if your healthcare provider hasn’t done an adequate job of preparing you and giving you the resources that you need. Please do find a specialist (preferably a genetic counselor) to help you understand the various medical (e.g., enhanced screening regimens, risk-reduction options) and social (e.g., communication and risk for family members) implications of your genetic test result – the National Society of Genetic Counselor and the National Cancer Institute offer online directories. Similarly, there are online patient support / advocacy organizations like Bright Pink and FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) that can offer a wealth of information. I know the information can be overwhelming, but the silver lining is that knowing your BRCA status gives you an important piece of information that you can use to proactively manage your health. The decisions about how you go about managing your risk are very personal, but finding a healthcare provider (or team of providers) who understand your situation and respect your preferences can help you to make the choices that are right for you. Hugs and good luck.

  4. Kat’s back? This is a cute dress!

    • This, I would wear. Give me a sheath any day of the week, preferable black or other neutral!

      • EduStudent :

        Me too, except it seems pretty memorable to me, so I’m not sure how versatile it’d actually be – thoughts? It’s definitely gorgeous.

        • It’s memorable but not so much that you would not be able to change up the look through different accessories.

          • hoola hoopa :

            I agree. It’s the sort of dress that I’d wear a few times a year for a couple of years, so I think it would be memorable in a good way.

        • I wear a lot of prints and I don’t even worry about “memorable” anymore. This is non-flashy and a classic shape, so just rock it as often as you want. That’s my advice.

  5. TJ: for those with family/live-in SOs, what time do you get home? Do you have dinner together? How does this work if you don’t get home until 7 or later? Bedtime for the kiddo is 7 and DH prefers to eat by 6, so I eat alone, which is lonely and, inevitably, unhealthy. Plus, I’m starving by the time I eat.

    • A Nonny Moose :

      I strongly dislike eating alone if it’s because people ate before me. DH usually gets home an hour or so after I do, so I wait to eat with him. Can your DH eat a snack and then eat with you? Or at least sit with you while you eat if the kids are in bed anyway?

    • On nights when I’m going to be home after 7 I just text him and he and my son eat earlier and I eat at work. Otherwise I’d be starving too. But he gets up at 5:30 so I’m not going to ask him to stay up late just to eat with me.
      I guess I have no advice just commiseration , it stinks.

      • This is why I haven’t asked him to wait on me. He gets up at 4 to be at work by 6. Before the kid, I got up at 5 to work out. Now I sleep until 6 since I’m up a lot at night with the baby, but I still have a hard time waiting until 7 p.m. to eat dinner. And I hate eating all three meals at work. I just don’t see another way. But I’m curious how others with long hours do it.

      • hoola hoopa :

        This is our family, too. It’s my husband who works late. Kids and I eat without him at 5:30. I check in with him when I leave the office to find out if he wants me to save him a plate to eat when he gets home or whether he’ll eat at the office. If he’s home before I go to bed and hasn’t eaten yet, I sit with him while he eats. But I don’t wait up. It is sad when we essentially don’t see each other that day.

    • No kid in the mix, but I get home later than DH, often after 7:00 PM. I spend a weekend a few times a year prepping things like meatballs, batches of chili, stuffed shells, etc. that are simple for DH to prep for dinner. He then maks dinner and can eat if he gets hungry, and dinner is waiting for me when I arrive which is awesome.

    • Just giving the other perspective. I realized early in my marriage that if I’m the one getting home early, it only makes me resentful if I have to wait, hungry, for my husband to get home and be ready to eat. I prefer to eat early if that’s when I’m hungry, and catch up with him later, maybe while he’s eating. However, it doesn’t bother him to eat alone, so I guess it’s a personal decision.

    • Ask if he can sit with you while you eat. My DH has a shorter commute than me and more regular hours so when he doesn’t have class after work he usually gets home by 5:30 pm and I get home 8-8:30. I find him in the house to say hello and he makes my plate and warms up my food while I change clothes and he sits with me while I eat dinner. I’m realize more and more everyday how much I love our little routines like this.

      • Lady General :


        Being the sole eater =/= solitary eating. This is a good opportunity for some together time, with the chewer maybe doing a bit more listening and talking b/w bites.

      • I feel like this is the dream – someone who can have dinner ready for me by the time I get home!

        • True, and he tries. But feeding, bathing, and prepping next day food/bottles for our 10 month old is exhausting, so expecting him to fix my meal really is too much. Not sure whether expecting him to sit with me while I eat is too much, thus my question.

          • Lady General :

            Survival eating tends to be quick. Can you be in the same room? Even if it’s just collapsing on the couch?

            Perhaps when I was in your shoes, a meal was much simpler: a few yogurts, a handful of M&Ms, perhaps leftover spaghetti, perhaps a lot of cheese and crackers. Maybe even a smoothie to get some fruit into the diet.

            And I always ate a huge lunch (perhaps with a late afternoon snack) to make sure I got fed properly while nursing.

          • After learning all that, I get where your husband is coming from and I understand not wanting to eat alone. Do you have time to prep meals and portion them out on weekends so that you can just microwave/reheat something for dinner when you get home? Maybe pour husband a glass of wine while you eat and y’all can spend that time visiting. Or maybe have him wait to wash/prep bottles while you eat and if the areas are close enough, you can visit while he does that.

          • This might be the least popular opinion, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask him to *at least* make a plate for you to heat up when you get home. I’m sure you do all kinds of things for him and your child as well. Yes, as parents to young kids we have to decide whether we’re going to be a parent or a spouse sometimes. But, making a plate for you…when he’s already making one for himself…is not too much to ask.

            I take the mornings with our daughter, and my husband is responsible for the evenings. We both have long, tiresome days. If I’m going to be home late, I simply text him (or tell him on facetime when talking to our daughter) and he makes me a plate of whatever he had that I can reheat when I get home–is it always what I wanted? No, but that’s the compromise you make when you have dinner waiting for you.

            Whether he sits with you while you eat is a different story that really depends on the dynamics of your and his nighttime routine–when he goes to bed, what you’d normally be doing when you get home late, etc.

          • I read an interesting article on a parenting blog where they decided prioritize family breakfast over family dinner, since that was a time the whole family was actually home. Not necessarily a fancy meal, but making sure everyone sat at the table together and chatted, whether that be over a bowl of cereal, toast, whatever.
            When I was working crazy hours, my husband often ate dinner with the kids and I ate a late snack at work or through the drive thru. One of the final nails in the coffin for that job with the long commute was realizing I often ate 2 or 3 meals a day in the car – not good for my health or sanity. Either way though, my husband and I tried to make a point to sit down together most evenings, even if it wasn’t over dinner. I agree with other posters – is there a table in your kitchen so you can eat while he’s doing bottle prep or other post-dinner chores? Or would you be willing to eat off a tray in the living room so he can relax?
            Life gets less exhausting once baby is sleeping more, I promise.

          • I don’t think it’s too much for him to do either. When he is preparing his own dinner, it won’t really take him more than a few minutes to prepare a second plate and leave it in the microwave. And it’s not too much to ask him to sit with you while you eat. You do have to talk about your days and the kiddo at some point right? DH have made it a point the past few months to spend time with each other when we get home, even if we get home late and only take half an hour.

          • hoola hoopa :

            Is the issue that your husband is asleep by the time you eat or that he’s just doing something else? My feelings on the issue change dramatically based on that.

            If he needs to be asleep, then let him sleep and discuss potential schedule changes that would give you guys an hour together at some point in the day.

            But if he’s just in another room watching tv or something, then I definitely think he can and should come sit with you while you eat. Sometimes I assemble lunchboxes or do paperwork at the table while DH eats, but the time we spend talking at the table after the kids are in bed is special (and productive) time.

        • That’s my DH – he is semi-retired and I work from 7AM to 6:30PM every day so he happily makes dinner for us both and has it ready for us to eat when I get home. Bonuses: he keeps the house clean and organized, pays the bills, feeds the dogs, and manages our income property including some of the repairs. I’m very fortunate to have him. Also — he is my Weight Watchers partner so lately the meals have been lighter so we’ve both lost weight! I think perhaps a conversation about preferences and expectations would be good. I don’t think I would mind eating separately (and sometimes we do when he or I have some sort of non-profit or fraternal – for him- meeting after work) – he just leaves me a salad or I heat up leftovers.

    • Why can’t DH have a snack and eat dinner with you after the kiddo goes to bed? We’ve always prioritized dinner together (unless one of knows we’ll be stuck at the office past 7:30 or so and then we’ll tell the other one to eat).

    • I assume that your husband is eating with the child at 6? Could your husband have a snack with the child (so the child isn’t eating alone either) and then eat with you? Is he really wants dinner early, could he set aside a plate for you and then join you while you eat. He could have a glass of wine and keep you company, etc. Every night doesn’t have to be exactly the same. It’s unclear from your post if he is responsible for all the dinner/bedtime routine if you aren’t home until after the child goes to bed. If that is the case, he may just be ready for some alone time several nights a week.
      TL; DR- Snacks, flexibility, communication are your friends.

    • Clementine :

      Husband travels for work 50% of the time, frequently international for 2-3 month contracts, so when he’s home, we eat together provided I’m going to be home before 9. If I’m working after 9, I just eat at work and generally end up coming home and just dragging myself into bed.

      When he’s travelling for work, it’s just me so I eat all the meals alone. I don’t like this, so frequently I go to the gym or do something else active in the evenings and just eat something small while I catch up on email.

      Although we don’t have kids (yet), I see coworkers with kids take their ‘lunch’ around 5:30 to run home and have dinner with the fam and get them ready for bed then come back after they go to bed (with the little ones, they’re generally back by 7:30 or so.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      We don’t have kids but do eat together when I get home sometime between 7:30pm and 10pm. My fiancé takes a late lunch and I tend to push all my meals back a bit. Sometimes if he is super hungry he will eat earlier but still tends to make me dinner and sit with me while I eat. We are lucky in that we can both adjust our meal schedules and I’m sure it would be way more complicated with kids.

    • I/We try to have dinner together most of the time. Whoever gets home first usually cooks and we have super quick go-to options that take almost no time for nights when we’re both home later. When I used to get home earlier, if I was hungry I’d have a snack of some kind and then a smaller dinner serving when we actually ate.

      If your husband prefers to eat by 6 and you don’t get home till 7 and are putting the kid to bed then, realistically you’re probably not eating till at least 7:30/8. I know opinions will vary on this – but to me eating together an hour or two later is more important than eating early so I would opt for that. But some people do need to eat early to feel good and so I’d say then maybe he can at least sit with you as you eat and share, say, a glass of wine?

      Alternatively, does your schedule allow for husband to cook dinner, push kid’s bedtime to 7:30/8, and to eat at 7, if you can get home then?

      And as for the starving by the time you eat thing, I am not normally a big lunch person but I’ve been trying to switch from breakfast – small lunch – big dinner to breakfast – big lunch – small dinner. Maybe eating a bigger more filling lunch a bit later in the day would also work for you?

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      I eat at work because I feel hungry around 5:30/6 and am rarely home by then. I try not to eat anything after 8pm for health reasons, so waiting until I got home would rarely work. I also usually go to the gym after work, which wouldn’t go well if I were starving. We usually eat breakfast together though, and I go to work pretty late (around 10).

    • cavity maker :

      we eat together 6-7 days a week. occasionally, dh or I will have plans with a friend/family, so we don’t eat together or a work/social/other commitment.

      it means that sometimes we eat late (like tonight it’ll probably be 9). it’s more important to both of us to eat together than what time. But honestly, it’s anywhere between 5 and 9– depending on our schedules (DINK)

      it sounds like maybe you need to talk to you so about whether or not the preference to eat at 6 is more important than eating together.

    • We typically get home in the 7-9 pm range and eat dinner together anywhere from 8-9:30 pm. He actually prefers to eat late though, so I often have a snack at 5 pm or so and then eat a light dinner with him. No kids though and we wake up at 7:30 am, so our schedule is a bit different.

    • strawberries :

      Could you substitute another evening ritual for family dinner? Maybe a daily walk around the block or (if you think like me) a night cap with your husband? I thought my SO and I would have family style meals when we moved in, but the reality is that we both need to recharge when we get home. We get real together-time after 8pm, when we revive a little.

    • Is there any way for you to get home a little earlier and then resume work after dinner? Pre-kids, I used to work late every night and my DH would make dinner and wait for me to eat around 8:00 or 9:00. Now that we have kids, having a family dinner is really important to us (especially now that older DS is 3 and can eat what we eat). Although DH gets home earlier than me (around 5:30), it would be impossible for him to watch both kiddos (7 months old and 3 years old) and cook a healthy meal. Usually, he gets home, starts dinner while our nanny is still there, and I get home around 6:00. I play with the kids until dinner is ready around 6:30 and we all eat together. Baby is in bed by 7:30 and older DS is in bed by 8:00, and then if I need to I start up my laptop and catch up on work after that. It sucks to not have any down time after the kids go to bed, but it is worth it to me to have a family dinner.

      • anon-oh-no :

        this is what my husband and I do, but we have prioritized this. it doesn’t work every day, but by making it our default, it happens more days than not.

      • This is basically what we do as well – DH picks up the kids and makes dinner for 6:30. I usually get home in time to eat with them, and then we play/have dessert/have baths/put the kids to bed by 8 (baby) or 8:30 (older boys). I get back online while I’m putting the baby to bed (nursing + ipad) and work for an hour or two before bed. This works for us because DH can cook dinner with three kids running around, which I find totally amazing.

    • I try to get home by 6:30 on the nights I have dinner duty; sometimes it’s closer to 7. Try to have dinner served by 7:30 at the latest, and my husband, stepson, and I all eat dinner together. It’s a little later than ideal (I grew up in a dinner-by-6 household), but the kid snacks when he gets home from school and no one starves. If one of the adults can’t be home for dinnertime, though, the other two of us don’t wait until later.

    • I have a 2.5 year old, and we eat as a family between 7:15 and 7:30. Husband and kid get home around 7; I try to get home by 6:45 so I can prep dinner. My husband and I are both grazers, so neither of us are ravenous by then, and my kid’s preschool serves snack at 5:30 to the kids who are there for an extended day, so he is fine with a late dinner. We cook on the weekend so that it doesn’t take long to get dinner on the table. But my kid stays up until 9, and always has, so it’s easier for us to have family dinner than it is for people with kids who go to sleep early.

    • I can see how this would suck, but I would still trade places with you! Living on your own = eating dinner along most nights. Not trying to be a wet blanket at all, and understand how your situation sucks, but I would still trade you for it :)

    • I usually get home around 9pm so husband eats before me. Sometimes he prepares a plate for me, sometimes not. I usually have a snack around 5:30 and eat a light dinner when I get home.

    • Just chiming in to say great responses. This has been a fear of mine about life with a kiddo. I almost always get home before DH and start dinner so we can eat by 7 or 8. If we both get home late sometimes we don’t eat til 9 or 10. I think one of us will just have to commit to being home by 6pm every day so at least the kiddo can eat and get to bed on time, and then we could eat after. I don’t know. There’s no great solution for two-working-parent households.

    • Flying Squirrel :

      I’m someone who always wants to eat early (6, ideally) and actually gets hypoglycemic. This was a terrible combo with DH’s always getting home late (after 7) and also not prioritizing meals. But with baby and bedtime in the mix, we’ve shifted to later dinner times (after baby’s bedtime), and it’s really not that bad. If I’m starving when I get home at 6 or 6:30, I eat a snack and maybe start to prep dinner depending on what the nanny’s already done. Then DH gets home, we put baby to bed, and we eat together. He went from not really caring about having dinner together to also really enjoying that time.

      So basically, it’s doable…but your DH has to be willing. All I can say is that six months ago I could never have believed I’d be really happy with our 8 or 8:30pm dinner time, but I really enjoy it.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      No kids but I snack around 4 or 5 and then eat dinner with my husband at 7:30 or 8. I get super cranky when I’m hungry. That said, if I get home at 7 and he’s still cooking I just grab some corn chips and drink some OJ and that tides me over until actual meal time.

      Can your kiddo stay up later? Maybe I’m from a weird family but I don’t remember my brother or I ever going to bed before sunset. I was a night owl as a kid and remember my dad talking about watching Letterman with me. I’m not saying let them stay up all hours but maybe if bedtime was 9 you would have more time to do family things. What time does your kiddo get up?

    • The husband almost always gets home with the kiddo around 5:30-6:00 and then feeds him and himself. My schedule is much more variable but I get home after 6:00 most days, so I almost always eat by myself. Not ideal, but I make myself separate or modified vegetarian dinners anyway, so it’s not much different than how we did dinner pre-kid. I don’t like that we don’t all eat together around the table, but with 2 full time working parents and a toddler, that’s just how it is. Even when we do all sit down to eat together, it’s never some idyllic meal, so I don’t sweat it. We all have food in our bellies, and that’s the important thing!

  6. Threadjack! I’m thrilled to say that I have second-round interviews with two different companies this week — on the same day. Logistically, this is great (only need to wear the suit once, can take a single day off work) but I’m worried about fatigue. In both situations I’ll be meeting with the hiring managers/department chairs, organizational CEOs, members of the department and possible direct reports, as well as other tangential employees with whom I’d be working closely.

    Any tips to try and keep myself mentally fresh and organized? I’m excited by these opportunities but don’t want to mess it up — and ideally, I’d have two great offers to choose from.

    • I would try to do something to recharge in between. I don’t know how much time you have in between but I would try to watch an episode of your favorite show, read a book, or even just stop in someplace for lunch or coffee. I am currently making the interview rounds and I realize it sounds cheesy but I listen to motivational music in my car to get me amped up before I go in for an interview.

      • +1 to doing something to recharge. Can you get home in between the two interviews? Even an hour at home eating lunch and relaxing on the couch can recharge me, I find (I’d probably even change briefly to get out of the interview mindset – changing into comfy clothes signals my brain to relax!). Maybe do some yoga or stretches while you’re at it.

        Or else try to go somewhere (coffee shop?) where you can take off the jacket and lounge and eat or watch mindless TV. Ideally, you’d have your prep notes for the second company all written down and you can just skim through at the end before you head out again. If all else fails and you have next to no time in between, consider stretching out in your car’s backseat for a 15 minute nap!

        • hoola hoopa :

          Agree to being able to take off the jacket and shoes at least. I like to take a quick walk outside, but unfortunately that’s weather dependent (too hot = sweaty and flushed for second round).

        • Totally agree. My best “rest and recharge” is to listen to NPR news and play Candy Crush on my phone. This can happen at a coffeeshop, or in my car. I do it for about 10-15 minutes and I’m refreshed.

    • No advice but good luck!!

    • I have been to many finance super days in my day. A few tips to keep you going:

      1) Make sure you have a snack and a really small coke or redbull which can fit in your handbag. Chug in the bathroom if necessary. Eating/having a coke in an interview is really rude and unprofessional–makes you seem unfocused or slovenly. So be a weirdo and eat in the Ladies room to keep your energy up.

      2) Bring extra nylons if you’re wearing them.

      3) Ask to take a break between your 3rd and 4th intervew; repeat as necessary. No one didn’t get the job because she politely asked to go to the ladies at the beginning of an interview.

      4) Between places, as some folks have said, definitely take some time off! Clear your head mentally. However, make sure to write down who you met with (names!), a brief physical description (blonde wearing navy shirt), quick notes (from Georgia, worked in Sales at X prior to coming to Y, VP). This helps jar my memory when things are a blur and also helps if I need to send quick email thank-yous.

      5) Depending on the industry and the break you have, consider writing quick email thank-yous for the first job before hitting the second job. Otherwise, be sure to send all of them that night–any later and it’s too late…companies move fast on feedback these days.

      6) Always make sure your eye contact is “on”–I try to focus on people’s eyebrows so my eyes don’t wander around the room. This helps me stay focused.

      Again–don’t be afraid to take breaks! Good luck!

  7. Feeling Crappy :

    Looking for words of advice of how to navigate troubled waters. Saturday (our 1 year wedding anniversary) DH told me he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He’s been battling severe anxiety issues for the last 8 months to the point that he can barely leave the house. If he does leave, he has to start drinking several hours beforehand to cope with the stress of leaving. He works from home (in bed) and can go weeks without having to leave the house for any reason. He’s been getting worse and worse but refuses to go to a doctor (he says he can’t face seeing a doctor bc the anxiety of it would be too much). He is close with an uncle who lives nearby, who I reached out to about a month and a half ago, but his uncle didn’t really believe or understand how bad it is and wasn’t much help.

    He now says he completely hates his life. He says he just doesn’t love me and I don’t inspire him to want to get out and do anything. He says he has no desire to kiss me or be with me and he just can’t stand being around me any longer. He’s moved into the guestroom where he stays with the door closed. We talked/fought last night and he said all he wants is to be left alone so he can figure out if he wants to be married or put any more effort into our relationship. Is it possible to come through and still have a successful relationship after so many hurtful things have been said? I can’t tell if it’s the depression talking or if this is how he really feels. I suspect it’s a combination of both.

    I’ve never been to a therapist but I found one yesterday and have my first appointment this evening. I hope this will help at least talk through my feelings on everything and how I want to approach it. Today is my birthday and getting bombarded with happy anniversary and happy birthday messages is just icing on the cake.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I don’t really have any advice, particularly since my advice would be to see a therapist to get perspective and professional guidance, which you’re already doing, but you have so much sympathy.

      Whatever your husband’s actually feeling, know that depression lies. Depression is a two-faced female dog when it comes to making people think they don’t want therapy, that they want to keep doing what makes them unhappy, just so she can stick around. I’m not saying he’s not saying these things, but he’s definitely reading the script depression is giving him, and marriages can and have come back after way worse than what you’ve said here.

      Many internet hugs.

      • Yes, depression lies. Anxiety lies. And yes, you and him and your marriage can all recover if you all get the help you need. Therapy for you is a great first step.

        Getting someone to see a doctor can be very difficult. Everyone is different but I would suggest telling him that he made a promise to you by marrying you and before he goes back on that promise, you expect them to see someone ONCE. And you can say that after that, if he still feels the same way, you’ll let him be. Therapy can sound like a huge thing, but one visit? He may be able to think he can handle a single visit.

        I’ve been there and for us, it is still a struggle. Every time depression rears its ugly head I hear things that are heartbreaking, but I can assure you the sun can shine again. Don’t give up yet. All the love to you.

    • Silvercurls :

      Nothing but a hug here and the reassurance that somehow you _will_ get through this awful situation. You’re already reaching out (uncle, therapist, this site) and when one approach doesn’t work you’re trying others. From the way you describe things, you’re also showing compassion for your husband as well as self-concern. It’s not fair that this is happening but you’re facing it with resilience, resourcefulness, and determination–all good qualities to have when life turns lousy.

    • I’m so sorry. Try to remember that depression and anxiety lies–your DH is fighting against a brain that that is lying to him. Getting yourself into therapy is an excellent first step. Unless he’s willing to do the same, however, it’s difficult to imagine how you will be able to move forward together. I wonder if going away for a weekend without your DH–with a friend or sibling perhaps?–would be helpful for both you and your DH?

      • Feeling Crappy :

        I have a trip planned to my brother’s house the weekend of July 19th. I don’t have anything planned for this coming weekend. I could go to my brother’s house this coming weekend, but he has 3 kids and I don’t really want them to see me sad/crying. I don’t want to tell my parents yet because our parents are really close friends. We’ve known each other our whole lives and our families talk regularly and celebrate holidays together. My parents will be personally devastated (my mom is always lecturing about how young people today just want to give up on marriage at the first sign of trouble) and I don’t want to put them in awkward position dealing with his family and having to keep secrets.

        • Anon in NYC :

          Do his parents realize how crippling his anxiety has become? I’m just wondering where the rest of his support network is. It sounds terrible and isolating for you to be dealing with this completely on your own. Hugs. I’m glad you’re going to see a therapist.

          • Feeling Crappy :

            He’s cut almost everyone else out of his life. His parents live far away and he doesn’t have a great relationship with them. I’m the only person he regularly sees and interacts with. He has other family but they just think he’s anti-social and don’t know the extent of it. I reached out to his uncle but he wasn’t very helpful.

          • Anon in NYC :

            I’ve never been in your shoes so my advice is limited, but I would discuss strategies with your therapist for getting him help that is not reliant solely on you and your efforts. If that means contacting his uncle again (and being much more explicit in how much help your husband needs) or contacting his parents, or your parents, or his friends (did he have any groomsmen at your wedding?)… whatever is necessary to share this huge burden.

        • If your parents and his are that close, it may turn out that they can be a great help in this situation. Can you bring this up with your parents and his parents at one time, describing it as you do above, asking for their help? Don’t try to keep up a facade or pretend that everything is perfect to keep your parents from being “devastated” – hopefully they will all support you and each other and pull together to get your husband help.

        • Flying Squirrel :

          Honestly, if you have a good relationship with your parents, tell them! They can handle the fall-out. A therapist is great for getting perspective, but you need people who care about you for support to get through this difficult time. Your need for support when it feels like your marriage is falling apart (not saying it is, but that’s what your DH is currently telling you) completely outweighs protecting your parents from the awkwardness of dealing with your DH’s family. They are grown ups and they can figure it out.

          And, knowing that I’m reading waaaay a lot into one line, I’m going to offer a thought out of a place of kindness. But the fact that you are so eager to protect your parents makes me wonder whether you are doing something similar for your DH. Maybe you’re making it easier for him to wallow in his depression by hiding the way it’s impacting you? I don’t in any way mean that his depression is your fault, but is there a part of this current situation that you can own? If there is, then at least changing that will give you some power. It’s great to be a caring individual who always puts others before herself, until it’s not. It can sometimes enable people to remain in a bad place. Anyway, like I said, this could be totally off-base since I’m really reading (with a magnifying glass) between the lines…but just a thought.

          And no matter what happens, huge internet hugs. I get miserable with just a bad birthday, I can’t imagine what you’re going through!

        • Whatever you decide going forward, please don’t let your parents’ judgmental attitude or your fear of being judged by them be a factor in your decision. You are the one who has to live with your choices, and you need to be free to make the best decisions for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

        • I’ve gotten similar lectures from my parents. But when the s* hits the fan they are right behind me. Your parents may surprise you.

    • I’m so sorry. My advice would be to take him up on his very kind offer to let you off the hook. Yes, it’s very sad for him to struggle with these issues, but I would not volunteer to continue a marriage that has started out in such a spectacularly horrible manner.

      • Feeling Crappy :

        I can see that. I kept hearing that the 1st year of marriage is really hard for most people, so I naively kept thinking it would get easier 2nd year, that he would eventually snap out of it, or make good on the promises he’s been making for the last 6 months to put in more effort to change. I guess I thought it would get better and not worse.

        • It’s true that depression can really warp people’s perspective of things especially if they are not getting the help they need. Support your husband in whatever way you can. But you also need to figure out what you want. Are you are willing to continue in this relationship? I’ll use AnonLawMom’s words you need “someone who can be a participating member” of the marriage. I have family that have gone through similar things to what you are experiencing now. It is a draining experience especially when one is also a mother and can suck the joy out of so many things in life. If I were in your shoes I would seriously consider moving on.

        • Yes, the first year of marriage is the hardest. But that is true for normally-functioning adults.

          It is magnified like a thousand times when one spouse has a mental health problem, like your husband does.

      • AnonLawMom :

        +1. I am so sorry that you are going through this but I agree with Anon. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. If I was in your shoes, I’d want to work with the therapist first to answer theis question: Do I want to stay married to my husband? You really need to figure this one out before you move on to how to help your husband with his issues. Given the short time of your marriage and (presumably) lack of kids in the picture, I would seriously consider moving on and finding someone who can be a participating member of a marriage.

    • Depression lies. Its not just that your husband doesn’t want to be with you – right now, he doesn’t like anyone, including himself. I think you need to focus the majority of your time in therapy dealing with your own issues (the appointment is for you to talk about your feelings, not to try to fix his) but it might be worth asking the therapist if anyone in their group does home visits or Skype appointments?
      Also, the part about needing to drink in order to leave the house sounds like borderline alcoholism. Perhaps you might be able to find some resources or people who have been in your shoes in a group like Al-Anon?

      • Feeling Crappy :

        He drinks heavily every night. Alcoholism may very well be another source of all of these issues. The therapist I’m seeing also treats people with addictions so I thought he might be a good source of info.

        • Anon in NYC :

          I have a friend who went to rehab once before marriage, and then immediately post-wedding fell into an even worse relapse. I have no idea how his wife stayed with him. They are both in individual therapy, and I imagine they did have done/are going to couples therapy as well. I think it has been very important for her to have an individual therapist to work through these issues from her perspective. They’re in year 3 now – I think years 1 & 2 were a lot of work, but it seems like they’re getting to a new normal now. Just wanted to give you a “they are working through it” story, if that’s the route you want to take.

        • @Feeling crappy, I hadn’t seen the alcoholism bit before posting above. Honestly, leave this relationship. I’m sorry to be so blunt but no one deserves to be in this kind of marriage/relationship. As Nellie, says turning this around will take a lot of work and also time. You are basically watching another person destroy themselves. I mentioned having family who have experienced this, I could write an entire page: the damage to the kids is long-term, trust me. Presuming you don’t have any yet, this is something you really don’t want to experience and if you do, this is something you want to mitigate at all costs. I know marriage is a long term commitment, you can support your husband on the path to recovery, but you also need to save yourself. The gloom over his life right now also affects your mood. I have supported a close friend through depression and at some point I had to pull back abit because I realized I was getting affected too. In this case the person’s family was also not available to support them. Good luck in working through all of this.

    • Wow, this is so rough. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a hurtful situation.

      Your husband sounds pretty bad off. Most of what he says about you is probably filtered through depression and anxiety, but it is still so hurtful.

      I would really encourage you to decide whether it is worthwhile to invest yourself in the tremendous amount of work it will be to turn this around. Your husband doesn’t seem willing (or able) to do what’s needed for his own health, and you can’t do it for him. It is a short marriage (undoubtedly a longer relationship). If it’s this bad this early, I seriously question whether you should put yourself through all that work for very uncertain results, especially without a willing partner.

      Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to leave. This isn’t what marriage (or any relationship) is, and you deserve to have a life that satisfies you. And please know that I am saying this as someone who had a very difficult Year 1-2 of marriage. I am not judging. Leaving would have been as much a right decision as staying. Staying came with lots of counseling and a lots of work by both of us to get out of a deep hole. Having been through that process, I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t have a MUTUAL desire to work on it, as well as each you having the individual desire to work on yourselves. It sounds like your husband has neither of these things, and you shouldn’t have to be unhappy with your life on hold while he contemplates getting help for his serious condition.

      Glad you’re going to a therapist. Good luck, and please take care of yourself.

    • did you all ever meet and date and be engaged and married if he is this bad a year after marriage?

      If you think that someone is very *physically* ill and is barricaded in a room and self-mediating, you’d call 911 or something, yes? Here, the same thing is happening. Can you not call his parents to come over (or threaten that you will do that if he doesn’t come out and go see someone right now?)? This + drinking looks like something that could only be helped in some sort of intenstive, long-term, possibly residential setting.

      I would have a hard time doing anything but 1) treating this as an intervention-type emergency or, if that fails, 2) washing my hands of things and walking away forever. He has to help himself, but he can’t expect you to watch this spiral (which is asking you to sign on to doing something that will be hurtful to you).

      • Feeling Crappy :

        Yes, we dated and got engaged over 3 1/2 years. He wasn’t always like this. There were signs of increasing anxiety in the year of our engagement (after an earthquake and he was unable to take public transportation). But even during the first 4 months of marriage we were taking day trips, going out to eat and he was able to function in public. It started out small and then has gotten increasingly worse. With him working from home now it got easier for him to not have to leave the house for any reason.

        His parents aren’t an option. I am going to the therapist though to talk through the other options because I honestly don’t know how to handle.

        • Are you sure the parents aren’t an option? And you won’t tell them what’s going on?

          I say this as a parent and as the daughter of a parent with a serious illness. I would want to know if a love one were sick or in any sort of danger (and I think that drinking alone in a locked room qualifies). I would want to know if my children were ever in this situation and I have had serious talks with the ill parent that they need to be responsive to my calls so that I know that they are alive (or need help) and if they don’t respond, my next call will be a wellness check to the local police.

          Would they be indifferent to their son? If you’d call them for a car crash, I’d call them for this. IMO, only people in their right minds get to make decisions about information sharing and your husband isn’t in his right now.

        • I’m late to the party here, but where is he getting the resources to lock himself in the house all day, particularly large amounts of alcohol? I would nip that in the bud and avoid bringing alcohol into the home if you decide to stay in this relationship. He may still be able to get his hands on it, but no need to enable the behavior.

    • I’m so sorry. As other people have said, try not to take his words personally. I know that seems impossible but I feel like you can’t really believe what he says until his illnesses are treated. Depression and anxiety are illnesses just like anything else. I suffer from anxiety and was hesitant to get help at first because I felt like I should be able to deal with it myself. As my doctor said to me, no one would expect a diabetic to cure themselves. They need insulin. I found that very helpful.

    • No advice but you’re doing the right thing in talking to a therapist and my thoughts are with you!

    • I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve posted my experience before, but I found it helped me to read what others had gone through so I’ll post again. I was in a 6 year relationship with a severely depressed partner. It didn’t get better with time, it got worse. I became his caretaker and ultimately, it wasn’t a partnership. The longer you’re in, the harder it is to leave and depression can be contagious too. Since you’re married, I’m sure leaving feels hard and complicated, but don’t rule it out. I struggled with guilt over leaving someone ill (after all, it’s a disease like any other) and ultimately decided to leave after a lot of analysis. Several years past my relationship I’m in a new one with a wonderful, actual partner, and I can’t believe I stayed so long in the other situation.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I don’t have time right now to find you the actual link (maybe someone could help) but check out the Ben Does Life Tumblr and look for his post where he made a documentary with his ex-girlfriend about how depression made him push her away. It is an amazing looking into how depression lies and the film project they did shows what it is like to be on both sides of it. He says things (now that he is well) like there was nothing she could have done then to help him.

      Also, I agree with the other posters that you should treat this as a life threatening emergency and call in the family for intervention time. If it gets bad enough where you worry he is suicidal, call 911. He will at least get an emergency evaluation and some stop gap meds.

    • I’m so sorry – I know how this must feel – like a punch in the gut. I have been through this too – but mine is a happier story and I hope you will be comforted by it. Or at least feel that you have some options if you believe you want to stay with this man.

      We weren’t married and didn’t live together but had been dating for a long time when he told me that the reason why he was so desperately unhappy was me – we are now married and happy and his mental health is under control. He didn’t have the social anxiety your husband seems to, but his depression was so bad he didn’t really leave the house at all, definitely not to see me. He was suicidal. He didn’t want to acknowledge the extent of his mental health problems, so he decided (and told me) that it was all my fault. That he couldn’t get out of bed in the morning because he hated me so much and didn’t want to be with me. We broke up. He continued to suffer through his severe depression….eventually he acknowledged that it must be himself, rather than me, that was causing it. He sought help and got on medication. We got back together and eventually got married.

      I made the decision to stay with him despite his mental health issues – I know they could come back at any point and I am willing to deal with that risk, hoping (maybe naively) that he now understands that he will face this illness his whole life and acknowledge it for what it is the next time he feels that way. If you feel similarly, I encourage you to wait it out and to do the best you can to encourage him (possibly through outside intervention) to get psychiatric help. If you can’t imagine living like this, or with this burden over your head, all your life – then you should consider (without guilt) whether you should stay in the marriage.

  8. Coach Laura :

    I feel bad posting about my cat when others have life-threatening or life-altering things but I want to get this off my mind so I can work better today. I had to put my lovely cat to sleep yesterday. She deteriorated while I was at work and it was a crazy day so I couldn’t be there and the vet had to go ahead without me. (All of my other pets, I’ve been able to be with during the injection to say good-bye.) She was 20 years old and a round white ball of fur – appropriately named by my kids as Snowball.

    She was almost invincible and had rarely been sick. She had been a stray and we adopted her after being told she was an indoor cat, and she had previously been declawed. But she refused to stay inside and climbed trees, walked on the roof and fought off dogs, raccoons and coyotes (we live on a wooded acreage) for 15 years, almost unheard of. Every one of our neighbors said she’d visited them and would even walk into their houses to say “hi” if the door was open. She loved sitting on my son’s bed while he was sleeping and would sit in the pasture with our horses. She was my sweet pal when I was in my garden and loved sitting on the deck in the sun. So, that’s where we’ll put her ashes. And this morning I kept hearing phantom cat cries – I’m sad.

    • I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing these lovely memories of her.

    • Anonymous :

      She had a really great life, full of adventure and new friends and sunshine! Wishing you many happy memories.

    • charlotte :

      So sorry for your loss. It sounds like she had a very full life and that’s a beautiful thing. I second rosie’s comment thanking you for sharing memories of her.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Your memories of her sound wonderful – what a great family member!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Old friends are not forgotten. I hope your memories make you smile (eventually, if not now)…

    • So sorry. 20 years is ancient for a cat! When we lost our kitty, we heard the phantom meows too. They were driving us crazy and only stopped when we adopted another kitty.

    • So sorry for your loss.

    • Blonde Lawyer :


    • hoola hoopa :

      I’m so sorry. Hugs.

    • I’m so sorry. But thank you for giving such a wonderful animal such a wonderful life.

    • I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. And please know that losing a pet (a 20 year old pet, no less) IS losing a family member. You are having a completely valid emotional reaction, and it is just as “life altering” as people who post about human family members.

    • I am so sorry for your loss. This made me tear up for you; hugs from another cat lady!

      • nylon girl :

        Hugs to you on the loss of your sweet kitty. My little cat was my everything so I can relate. I found comfort in making a donation to the animal shelter that I got her at knowing that I could help pay it forward to someone else. Your loss will get easier as time goes by, slowly… Us fellow cat lovers are thinking of you!!

    • I am so sorry. My 20 year old cat died too recently and it’s just heartbreaking. Mine was also quite hearty, and I don’t know about you, but for a while I almost felt like maybe she didn’t know she was supposed to die and would just live with me forever. I think in some ways I took it harder than a lot of my relatives dying because the love you share with an animal is just so pure and uncomplicated. I still feel guilty that the day it happened I was late coming home and didn’t pick her up immediately when I walked in because shortly thereafter she passed away and I didn’t get to hug her at all. And the phantom cries and sightings of a little ball of fur out of the corner of your eye do come and go still, but it’s been a few months and it does get easier. It sounds like your kitty had a wonderful life with you and your family. Give yourself time to grieve. Big hugs to you.

    • I’m sorry too. Kitty love is the best kind. You did right by her.

    • Coach Laura :

      Thanks everyone. Your sweet comments helped a lot.