Coffee Break: Peterson Shopper

101 Comments

1. If you were traveling through New Orleans for one day only, what would you do?

   1. Eat oysters and browse antique/art stores!

   2. MS Rau

      or any place on Magazine Street

   3. Have lunch someplace wonderful (La Petite Grocery, Commander’s, Coquette or someplace in the Quarter). Shop on Magazine or walk through the French Quarter. If you’re in the Quarter, go to the Carousel bar for happy hour to cool off. Have gelato at Sucre or La Divina Gelateria. Take the streetcar and see the houses on St. Charles Ave. (it’s back open now as far as I know).

   4. Beignets

   5. Have a café au lait and beignets (probably at Café du Monde), walk around the French Quarter, have a fabulous lunch somewhere iconic, maybe take a trolley over to the garden district and if I had time, grab an early evening c*cktail somewhere and listen to some good music.

   6. All of the shrimp po’ boys.

2. Is there any way to speed up Aunt Flo? I’m a week late, no chance of pregnancy, do not use hormonal bc, and absolutely need it to come this week (the earlier the better) and not next week.

   1. Wear white pants?

      1. Boy, that’s the truth. I also recommend saying out loud “I guess I’m just lucky. I’ve never had cramps before.”

      2. That’s what I’ve done. Buy pair of expensive lacy white undies and wear something white over it.
         Also have s*x. Not sure why, but that one works wonders.

         1. I have read that this is because of the contractions of the muscles that happen during s*x…so by that reasoning, I’m assuming that a little solo garden partying should probably also help.

   2. Vigorous exercise?

   3. Google “emmenagogue,” and proceed with caution.

      1. On this note, there’s hippie teas that can be gentle versions of this. In the meantime, fresh ginger steeped in hot water is just generally good for you, and can help stimulate the flow.

         Also orgasms.

      2. I’ve got a friend who swears by aspirin. Not to hasten the arrival, but rather to speed the departure.

         1. I never heard this, but if it’s true, I’m pretty ticked off that I didn’t hear about it 35 years ago. Better late than never?

            1. Co-sign. (Also, run out of tampons.)

      3. OP here. Thank you for this. Looks like parsley can help speed things up so I’m going to try it and see if it works!

   4. Wear white pants or something that would be a pain to remove bloodstains from?

      1. OP here. Haha, love the white pants suggestion!!! Can’t do strong herbal things or aspirin because I have surgery next week (hence the wanting to speed things up). It’s so frustrating. If I didn’t hate hormonal bc with a passion (makes me gain crazy weight in places I’m normally small plus makes me super moody), I would be on it simply for the predictability of periods. I’m more or less regular but sometimes do have fluctuations of a couple of days/a week that drive me nuts.

         1. Not to be gross, but can you report back on how effective this is? My wedding is coming up in Oct (wahoo!) and I’m already anticipating having a similar issue (booo)

            Or if anyone else has had success with other things, I would love to hear it (no BC)

            1. So, I’ve had two cups of the tea, one around 4:30 and one around 8:00. Didn’t get Aunt Flo yet but am definitely without a doubt feeling a little crampy down there. It’s interesting because how I feel right now is usually how I feel on my heaviest days (days 1.5-2.5) but never any other time, so we shall see if this actually does anything more…but I have high hopes!

   5. Drink parsley tea. It has something in it that can help start menstruation.

      1. Just googled cbackson’s suggestion and found parsley as highly recommended so I’m going to try it!

   6. buy bromelamine tablets, it really helps

   7. Anecdotal, but I’ve heard that horse riding or biking also may help…

   8. Sounds weird, but sleep with your curtains open so the moonlight shines into your room. Seriously, google syncing your cycle with the moon -interesting stuff.

      Also, orgasms.

3. After 4+ years of dating this guy, I finally decided after a huge fight last night that it’s time to call it quits once and for all. I have known for years now that I wanted to marry him, but he couldn’t decide and I stayed around thinking he just needed some time. I believed he had commitment issues, but that we could work past it. This past year, he made some progress saying that he did want to marry me many times, but then he’ll take it back citing many reasons why he had doubts again. I have tried to walk away from this relationship several times, but keep going back, hoping each time things will work out, that we would finally get married. I now realize that it will never happen, and more so than anything that I deserve better. I deserve someone who has no difficulty complimenting me and saying positive things about me from time to time (I can’t believe I was willing to marry a guy who had such difficulty doing that, but no difficulties in saying negative things about me to me and to others).

   I’m not sure what I’m asking the hive – maybe just encouraging words/stories and advice to get past this difficult time and finally move on. I know I will have many moments of weakness and the thought of I’m turning 30 in a couple months (which I know is not old, but feels old compared to when I first started dating him at 25 when I thought I lots of time) and I need to find someone very soon so I can get married and have kids keeps popping in my head. Thanks.

   1. Hugs! This is a difficult thing to go through, but you really are making the best decision for yourself (and your future children. . .) You absolutely deserve someone who wants to be with you and sees how special you are. Also, you still have plenty of time to find the right person and get married and have kids! Dating in your thirties can be very different (in a good way) than dating in your twenties. Good luck as you move on!

   2. Good for you for putting yourself first! You have plenty of time to do everything you need to do. Please reach out to friends IRL and ask for help if/when you need it!

   3. Good for you! That’s a really brave decision to make. This might make you feel better about the timing: http://www.self.com/life/health/2014/06/fertility-and-aging-fears/

   4. Well, of course, Hug’s! We all have been there and sympathise with you for dealing with a guy who just did NOT want to be married, but did want the sex. Men can be so silly b/c they will say most anything if you are haveing sex with them and cleaneing their dirty laundry or scoopeing up their vomit when they vomit after drinking alchhohol, but when they sober up, they worry that they can find a prettier girl with money to have sex with and that they just do not want you to be the ONLEY one they want to be abel to have sex with for the rest of their live’s. That is just wrong b/c we want men to be there, emotionaly as well as financialy for us. We do NOT want a guy to just grunt and walk away after soiling our 1000 count Egyptian Sheet’s. That is what they want tho, and we should NOT have to put up with such men. FOOEY!

      But don’t worry, you will find a guy (as will I) who has money, will not be a drunk, and will support me and my children while I take charge of the house and the family finance’s while he work’s hard so that we can live in a house if Weschester or LI with a nice pool.

      BTW, Rosa was real sick after swimming in the Hudson, and spent 2 day’s in the Hospital with IVs and everything. I warned her that the water was dirty but she said she could handel it. Peeople were swimming and making the water cloudy with poopie and peepie and I thought that did it but Noah said it was the poopie. Noah and his freind Julio will be meeting Myrna and me for drink’s tomorow nite, b/c they work day’s tomorow at the ER. Julio is a PA and Noah is an MD (in training). He say’s that he is on the looke out for peeple with potenial and I am one of them. YAY! Mabye a littel young, but he will be sucessful and mabye he will MARRY me! I hope so b/c the manageing partner’s brother seem’s more interested in sex then in marrrage. FOOEY on that! I have him comening over again to look over the place. He was approved by the Board and now will move in after he closes and renovate’s. FOOEY!

   5. Are you me? No, seriously, did I type this up in my sleep or something? 4 years- yep. Turning 30 in a few months- yep. Guy loved me but couldn’t commit – yep. Worried about having kids in time – yep.

      I went through this last month, and I’m happy to say the longer I’m apart from my ex, the happier I’ve become. I’m indulging in casual (but safe!) lady garden parties with a guy who’s a thorough and eager gardener, which makes me realize just how much more tilling my garden requires than I had been getting in my relationship; I feel freer to pursue the hobbies I enjoy that my ex begrudgingly went along with and am remembering just how much FUN I can have; and most importantly I’ve sworn off trying to convince someone to commit or change their goals if they don’t want to. And now that I’m starting to imagine Life Without Him, I’ve lost a lot of the anxiety about having enough time to find someone, get married, and have kids. Because you know what? I’m not ready for that yet, but when I will be, I’ll find the right person, and they’ll want to marry me and have kids with me, and it won’t be a huge trial.

      TL;DR – it gets better.

      1. Co-signing on all of this. I still have the anxiety, but man oh man, life (even the frustrating single life, two years after the breakup) is so much better not being stuck with someone who doesn’t appreciate me and isn’t able to commit fully.

         1. Ditto on going through the same thing – last week as a matter of fact- two years in and turning 32 next month though. Such a tough decision, I still truly love him as a person, but was not going the direction it needs to. Add in the, if I didn’t react the way he wanted it was all my fault element and I recognize that I am better off. Rough though, I am with you. Virtual hugs

            1. Ooof, that’s so hard. Big hugs to you, and you deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like crap just because you don’t react the way he wants!

   6. You are talking about someone you will spend the rest of your life with, that you want to be your husband and the father of your children. You should not have to talk that person into loving you enough. You deserve better.

   7. My dear, I married The Wrong Guy at 25 and was divorced by 30. Life would have been so much better if I’d never married him. When I think about what it was like to look at him and think that I was stuck spending the rest of my life with someone who treated me that way…I felt so trapped, and miserable, and like I was slowly dying. I know this is scary and upsetting and you feel like you’ve wasted years of your life, but it’s actually good – so good – that it didn’t work out and you didn’t marry him. Just trust me – I thought The Wrong Guy had turned into The Right Guy when he proposed, and it was actually some sort of temporary delusion of Rightness on his part. He became The Wrong Guy again pretty darn quickly (although, unfortunately, not before we were married).

      1. This +1000.

   8. Hey lady, I’m glad to hear you stood up for yourself against this dead end relationship. I did the same thing about 3 months ago (a 2.5 year relationship), and now with only 3 months under my belt, I have realized it was THE BEST DECISION EVER. Your post is verbatim how my ex was, and despite knowing he loved me and his vague “if/when we get married…someday….” talks, he was not going to commit to me anytime soon. I am so happy it ended. I have also gone on dates with several nice men, all who have no problem being gentlemen and letting me know how they feel about me. Stay strong and you will be good! The cherry on top was him emailing me yesterday for the first time since we broke up (we hadn’t spoken since) telling me he was still not moved on. And I realized in reading his message that I had already moved on big time.

   9. Girl, you do not need to meet someone right away to get married and have babies. Realistically, you can do those things anytime in the next decade. Don’t pressure yourself. Being single in your 30’s is great! You will date so many more people and be so much smarter about it. I know it seems terrible to be single, but can you imagine still being with him in 10 years, looking back, and regretting staying? It would be so many wasted years! Now you have them!

   10. I don’t have too much to add to the great advice everyone has already given you, except this… Just before I turned 30, I was also in a relationship with no future. The circumstances were different from yours in some ways that made it easier (he was wonderful and sweet and marriage-oriented, but ultimately not the right guy for me long term for reasons not worth getting into here). But I, too, wanted (still want) a family and had a lot of anxiety about breaking up and then not finding that person. A friend pointed out to me that you can’t possibly be farther away from the right person than when you’re in a relationship with the wrong one. Break up with him and you’re SO much closer to getting what you really want and what will really make you happy someday. It’s been over a year and I’m still single now (sorry, no happy ending yet here). I’m not going to tell you it’s easy…dating is tough, and there are times when I really, really miss my ex (he was so amazingly sweet and many men I’ve met since have been very much not). But I know that I’m closer to meeting the right person today than I was then, and that helps.

       Also: 30 seems the most terrifying when you’re 29. At 31, I think being in my 30’s is amazing. In retrospect, being 29 is pretty awful–it seems like everything is ending and you’re running out of time. Now I feel like I’m at the beginning of something (a pretty awesome decade of life!) instead of at the end. You’ll feel much better once you’re over that milestone.

       1. I think you summed up why I’m less anxious about The Baby Question – you’re never farther away from the right person than when you’re dating the wrong person.

   11. You might want to consider freezing your eggs to take the pressure off you with respect to meeting the “right” guy. I have several friends who did this and it really made it a lot easier for them to date/meet the right person. I don’t think 30 is an age where you really have to worry yet, but I understand being concerned about it and this could help.

   12. I was you 8 years ago — except I didn’t end it. He did, when he cheated on me. I wish I had ended it, because I could have dated a lot of fun guys in the meantime. Now I’m married to the RIGHT guy — the guy who called his friend after the first date and said he would marry me — we have a kid, and it all worked out fine.

4. I’d like this better with gold hardware.

   1. I’ve been looking for a silver hardware tote, which is hard to find lately. Unfortunately, tassels are too preppy for my style, and I’m not in love with the pebbled texture, or I’d be all over this one.

5. A good friend from college posted on FB that she had lost her significant other of 8 years. Since then we haven’t really kept in touch, apart from the occasional chat online/email. I would like to send a message by email as opposed to the quick condolence comment left on such posts. Was thinking along the lines of something short to let her know I am thinking of her/praying for her. This is such a hard thing to go through, so I also want to steer clear of saying something that would make it seem like I fully understand the pain she’s in. I’m finding it hard to find the right words! Suggestions please! TIA!

   1. Do not email her. Send her a card, and handwrite a note.

      It can be simple, and short.

      “I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss. I have been thinking about you. I miss you, and want to send you my strength and love.” If you knew her significant other, say you will miss him and always remember……. (fill in the blank)

      And then call her in a couple of weeks. When she picks up the phone, say you are so glad to hear her voice, and then tell her you have been thinking about her. Then ask how she has been doing, and let her talk. Just listen. Maybe say, “I’m so sorry this is so hard”, but don’t give any advice. Even better, tell her you were thinking about her and her significant other… and then recount a nice memory… even better, a memory that involved laughing. Ask her if there is anyone around her giving her support right now. Ask her if she is eating/sleeping. Then send her some sort of prepared food gift by mail, or something to help her sleep (sound box/relaxation CD/cuddly blanket).

      And don’t forget her. Like most people do…

      It is awful to become a widow/lose your partner this way, and doubly awful when all of your friends are coupled up and stop inviting you to things when you are no longer part of a couple. You become a leper of sorts for reminding them that people die. It hurts so much when your friends betray you like this. I have seen it many times, unfortunately.

      Thank you for thinking about her. I have found that your support comes from the most unexpected places during times like this, and unfortunately, most friends disappoint you.

      1. Thanks Carrie for your input. She’s actually in another country, different time zones too. But I’ll definitely use your suggestions.

         1. If she’s in another country, then I can only imagine how alone she must be feeling right now. Sending her a random care package full of things from the US that she might like/snacks/a momento from your college would rock her world. A picture of you and her…

            And a call later….. Calls are easy. Even to another country.

            Thank you so much for thinking about her!!!

      2. I agree a card is nicer than an email, but an email is much nicer than nothing. So if you’re one of those people (like me) who can’t always get over the hump of finding the time to buy and mail a card, definitely do send an email – I’m sure it will still be very appreciated.

         Also I’m aware that I’m shy and this may be a bit weird, but I’d probably feel awkward about someone I barely knew calling to console me in a situation like this. A close friend, yes, I would want a call, but from someone I don’t know well a card, email or flowers would be much more appreciated.

   2. I agree – send a card, not an email. And honestly, you don’t have to say much. Two or three simple sentences that you are thinking of her/praying for her, and that you are sorry for her loss are plenty. I’ve found that often when someone is trying to offer comfort she says too much and ends up putting her foot in her mouth. Prepared food is awesome, but I will say the most thoughtful thing someone did for me when our son died was put together a bag of personal care items: moisturizing soap, creamy lotion, lip balm, hand cream – its so easy to forget to take care of yourself, and a gentle reminder that “you are loved and you deserve to be cared for” went a long way with me.

      And yes – don’t forget her. I had a distant contact (a sort of mutual friend through an organization i worked with – we’d only met/chatted a couple of times), who would write me every month. Just a few short lines, maybe an encouraging scripture or sentiment, just to let me know she remembered when so many other people were moving on with life. It meant the world.

      1. Yes, yes…. people don’t realize that the tiniest of gestures mean so much, and are never forgotten.

         It is sad that these small gestures mean so much, but it is because so many people fail to do anything.

         I saved every card, and they gave me a lot of comfort. The rare call that was truly supportive… priceless.

6. So, am eyeballing my closet and I don’t have enough black boots. I’d like a dressier pair, which I could justify if I wore my other boots enough to devote to “weekend casual pair.”

   How does this sound for early fall into winter weekend uniform:

   Black Justin roper boots + black leggings + colorful tunic (I also have a colorful tunic problem)

   Otherwise, I wear the ropers with pants (underneath) to work, but would like some sleek boots with heels to wear with dresses, which I wear a lot more than pants.

   1. Just chiming in to say I love my Justin Ropers.

7. Currently under consideration: destination wedding in Hawaii. Yes, we know it would result in a small but select bunch of guests. We are OK with having a big party for everyone when we get back. Interested in the logistics to be considered, location, cost, etc. etc. Food is important to us, big party with lots of drinking not so much.

   Anyone done this? Comments? Suggestions? And….go!

   TIA.

   1. Consider the possibility that someone you think of as a must-have guest – a sibling, close friend, parent, etc – might not be able to make it due to finances, health, a new baby, a work obligation or something else. If you can live with that, then go for it. I would love to be invited to a wedding in Hawaii!

      1. That’s a really long flight unless you’re in LA or on the west coast. It would rule it out for some of my elderly relatives (who, I swear, live for weddings; it’s like their prom + family reunion and it’s so precious to see them fuss over what to wear, how to get their hair did, what so-and-so will also wear; how cute the grandbabies all are; it was worth the “why aren’t you married yets”).

         Whatever you do, don’t be like an in-law who did this and complained that some people didn’t go (the people who didn’t were at wedding #1, have jobs that don’t allow for breaks like this, and also can’t really afford things like this). Just go and enjoy. Hawaii is awesome.

   2. Ugh. If you’re my sister or best friend, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it to your wedding. That doesn’t mean I want you to deliberately set me up to spend thousands on your wedding and my vacation time. And, frankly, if you don’t care enough about me to make my ease of attending your wedding a priority, find. That’s your prerogative. But if I don’t matter that much to you I’m not sure why you think you matter enough to me to want to celebrate you in some big random party when you get back from your super special day.

      1. To counter this: Yay! Hawaii! I’ve always wanted to go and now I have a reason to go. Plus, I’ll get to see family and friends at the same time. I never get to go on vacation with the people I love and now I can. It’ll be so much fun to hang out outside the wedding event and I also get to celebrate a happy occasion in your life. Also, Hawaii! I’m going to start saving now.

         1. Yea, this is my reaction when people have far-away weddings (which, for me, is pretty much true wherever you’re getting married–my friends have scattered over a wide variety of the world at this point in life. I’ve never *not* had to fly to a wedding). I desperately wanted my friend who married someone from Hawaii to get married there, just so I could go (she did not, I think in part because it would have been very far/expensive for her family and most of his family was already in the continental US). But if you’re a) willing to pay for the people you want there the most or b) most of your guests would have to travel significant distances anyway or c) accept that lots of people may not be able to come, then go for it!

      2. This is a little harsh, but I do agree that in my view, by having a destination wedding you are foregoing the big party with guests and gifts. You either have a big wedding with a big party, to which you invite your friends and family, or you have a small destination wedding. I don’t think you get to sneak off for the wedding and then have a non-wedding party when you get back.

         1. I agree that a big party that is formal and basically a reception is a no, but a casual backyard BBQ type post-destination wedding would be OK. If you want to have something more like a traditional formal reception, then I agree with others that you should just have a non-destination wedding, then do Hawaii on your honeymoon.

            1. Thanks for these views. We don’t care about gifts…the reason we would have a party when we got back would be to have a fun celebration with the people we care about who couldn’t make it. I don’t want to be grabby. Initially I didn’t want to do a destination wedding because I know that some of the people we really love would not be able to come…but now I just want to avoid Wedding Drama and am thinking maybe we could have a fun event with everyone at home after?

            2. Ha! There is no avoiding wedding drama. Having a destination wedding is just a whole other kind of it.

            3. +1 on the you can’t avoid the dramz. If nothing else, you’re guaranteed to have at least one friend who will make passive aggressive comments every time you’re together about the cost of attending your wedding. Ask me how I know :(

               Also, just to add a counterpoint, I’d be thrilled if you had a party when you came home that I could come to if I couldn’t make your wedding. That might change a bit if I had to fly to get there though.

         2. This. You don’t get two weddings.

   3. I’m thinking of doing a destination wedding if I ever get married. But I’ve also always pictured my wedding is extremely small. I figured i would pay for any immediate family who couldn’t afford it and would be ok if some friends couldn’t come. I wonder consider who is a must have for you (parents, siblings, best friends, ect) and get their input. If a grandparent, for example, was a must have, how would you feel if they said they couldn’t fly that far?

      Also, regardless of where and when you have your wedding, they are going to be people who are invited who can’t come. Yes, that number is greater if you have a destination wedding. But it’s not like if you have the wedding at home, everyone will come.

   4. Is your small group already really far-flung so most of them would have to travel a significant distance even if you got married at home? I’m not a fan of destination-for-the-sake-of-it weddings because it forces guests to spend vacation days and $$$ to visit the destination of *your* choice – even though Hawaii is gorgeous, that’s not where I want to go on vacation this year, it would cut into my vacation budget to attend, and it takes a long time to get there – espec from the East Coast – soaking up even more days.

      now, you’ve said you understand a smaller group will attend. But that doesn’t mean they’ve all weighed the pros and cons and decided they’d be delighted to go — pretending that you’re my little brother, yes I’d go because he’s important to me, but I’d be (totally silently, other than here apparently) resentful of the imposition. you can have a small wedding near home and then go to Hawaii…

      1. “Is your small group already really far-flung so most of them would have to travel a significant distance even if you got married at home?”

         This is key to me. Generally I’m of the same opinion as Anonymous at 4:14. While I wouldn’t say it, that’s essentially what’s running through my head. You want a vacation in Hawaii? That’s cool, do it. But I don’t necessarily want a vacation in Hawaii on those specific days when I’m tied into a certain location/activity on a certain day(s) for x, y, and z reason. If I’m your sister or best friend, I’ll be silently annoyed but there with a smile. Otherwise, I’ll see you at the local party.

         But if everyone (or mostly everyone) will need to travel anyway, then go for it! I’d much rather travel to Hawaii than random, unexciting city.

         Sounds like you’re happy with just a few immediate family members and very close friends who you know would be able and willing to make the trip. And with the local party at home, I think your plans sound very accommodating. Ultimately, I just want to wish the couple well, so I’d be happy to attend the local reception.

         1. This, my cousin had a destination wedding in Colorado last year. Our family is spread out all across the country so we would be traveling regardless. She picked the most convenient location on her wish list that was within an hour radius of a major airport. (We could all catch a direct flight to Denver which was very reasonable in the Summer.)

   5. I’ve gone to one on Maui done as a destination that would be fair to both in-laws, and one on Oahu (but not a destination as a the families are from there/still there, except the bride and groom and their friends who are living all over).

      Maui – it was planned well, with lots of info for the guests about lodging, group deals, and party bus to wedding and back. It worked for the small group. The bride and groom considered their guests (in finance and medicine) and whether they’d want to come/could afford it and were clear that our presence truly was the present.

      Oahu – as family, I have no out. I think the bridesmaids are excited and are finding ways to keep costs low. Extended family members who are attending are using it as a reason to visit Hawaii.

      Also, Japanese couples regularly do get married in Hawaii as an alternative to super expensive weddings in Japan, so it is simple enough to find a company/planner to organize things remotely for you.

   6. Also consider the possibility that everyone you invite may think, “Yay, Hawaii!” and show up, resulting in a destination wedding that costs you a lot more than you expected. A good friend had a destination wedding in Hawaii invited all of her friends and relatives, with a clearly expressed and, in my opinion, believable, orally delivered “I’m inviting you because I love you and want to see you but you should absolutely not feel obligated and I understand that you may not be able to come.”

      And then everyone came.

      A ten-guest wedding in Hawaii would have been intimate and budget-friendly, but she ended up with a 75-guest wedding in Hawaii. I had an absolute blast, but I think it was stressful for her.

   7. One thing to keep in mind is that even if most people have to travel to the wedding anyway, there’s a big difference between travel within the continental US and travel to Hawaii in terms of both time and money. I don’t have any particular desire to go to a random town in Ohio but I would for a wedding, because I could go for the weekend for under $500. The cost of a flight to Hawaii (even for me in CA) makes it absurd to go for a weekend so I’d only go it if it were family or a super BFF (and I’d have to use vacation and I wouldn’t be happy about it about – yes, Hawaii is nice but my husband and I have been there several times and there are lots of places we’d rather travel). And for those on the east coast, the 12 hour flight makes it impossible to go for a weekend, even if someone was willing to drop $1000 on a weekend getaway. I got married in a hard-to-reach, resorty area of the continental US that most of our guests had to travel to and most people still only came for the weekend or a 3 day weekend at most. If we’d had it as far away as Hawaii, I think a big percentage of our guests wouldn’t have been able to come.

   8. Former destination wedding thrower here. Just want to say it was the best decision I could ever have made. You will have some people who will be annoyed and some may even have no problem telling you to your face that you are selfish or try to make you feel guilty because you’re depriving them of some vision of how they thought the day should be. It is your wedding, not Aunt So and Sos. If you are OK with it being small and freely accepting that folks should feel completely entitled not to join, then don’t give it another thought. My father is reaching the end of a terminal illness now, and he has remarked numerous times over the past few months how amazing it was to walk his daughter down a beach and how much it meant to him to be there as someone who grew up in a small rural area and never thought he would travel. (We weren’t Hawaii but equally beautiful.) I’m so grateful we had that time when everyone who mattered most was still healthy and eager to travel. We have so, so many amazing memories from those few days and our families (who are in different U.S. regions) got the opportunity to know each other and bond in way that never would have been possible with a traditional affair. Some friends who didn’t know each other going in ended up keeping in touch after. It’s just indescribable when all of these “spokes” in our lives just came together in one place like that. Folks still talk about how much fun that was with me sometimes now, and it’s years later. It was truly the only time in our lives where we’ll ever have that sort of experience with people so close to us. I don’t have a single regret.

      I do agree however that a large affair at home looks more like a gift grab. I would simply schedule some great one-on-one dinners when you get back with those closer folks who can’t or don’t want to make it where you can share some pictures and connect more intimately. We didn’t do a registry and made it known we didn’t want gifts even though a few folks were still resolute in wanting to do so. We paid for travel for immediate family on his side (my side wouldn’t hear of it) and covered meals for several days and a few activities (golf, group mani and pedi, etc.) for everyone, leaving open for folks on whether they wanted to attend the activities or have time for themselves. I also made sure those attending had a wealth of information on things to do, tips for packing, etc. so they could best enjoy the location. I also had some goodies waiting for those who arrived at times where meals wouldn’t be likely and I know it was hugely appreciated.

      I say if you want to do it, then go for it.

      1. +1 – I didn’t have a destination wedding, but I’ve been a guest at one similar to what you describe and I ended up becoming friends after with other friends of my friend the bride. It was one of the best events I ever attended – completely special, awesome and I feel lucky I got to take part in it. Personally, I don’t have a problem with a second party back home, but I come from a family that throws a million wedding-related events so my view is “what’s one more”.

      2. +2
         One of my bffs had an destination wedding, hard to get to, abroad, small town, I had v little disposable income . . . and it was wonderful for all the above-stated reasons. One of the most memorable, beautiful, and FUN weddings I’ve ever attended/ vacations I’ve had. And I don’t regret going (and dropping all that $$) for a second, even though they’re separated now.

   9. Why not elope?

      1. +1. We did this and it’s the absolute best idea ever.

         1. A friend of mine recently planned a destination wedding in Aruba. Even though my other half was asked to be a best man, we couldn’t afford it and didn’t have the vacation time and have other significant priorities for our money like debt repayment. We just couldn’t make it work. Turned out that was the case for a lot of their family and essentially all of their friends, including most of the planned wedding party. Basically what this said to me is that their destination/venue and holiday were more important than having their loved ones there.

8. Ok, I have a work event coming up and I’m trying to figure out what to wear. We are having our office summer outing at an amusement park. Dress code is “casual (shorts and tennis shoes ok)” but I can’t figure out how that translates into amusement park attire. It will be hot and sunny which is complicating this (at least in my head…). I want to wear shorts, since it’s going to be hot and a skirt/dress (my would be go to for a picnic) is out in case we go on any rides. I don’t really like shorts, so I don’t have many options (no long/bermuda shorts, but I do have a couple pairs with a 5 inch inseam only they’re tight). And what do I wear on top? I would want to wear a conservative tank top, but I don’t know if that’s appropriate. Ugh I’m overthinking this…

   1. Do you have a knit/jersey dress that is more of a sheath silhouette rather than flared out? I’m thinking something like this, maybe with skimmies/bike shorts underneath if you’re concerned about modesty on a ride:

      http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1008445&vid=1&pid=960283002

      I’d wear that with converse sneakers and call it a day.

      1. I would stick with shorts. Even with bike shorts or something under, it’s going to look like you are flashing people on most amusement park rides if you wear a dress. Unless you absolutely hate the rides, why set it up so cant’ take part in or are not comfortable with the main attraction of the day.

         If you don’t have time or money to buy a new pair of longer or looser shorts, I would wear the pair you are the most comfortable in and a looser t-short to counteract the tightness of the shorts. Personally, I would try to find a nice pair of shorts that were on the looser side (but maybe not as long as bermuda shorts) and wear with the conservative tank top.

   2. Oh, and I work with a group of generally young and rowdypeople. If we were just going together (not work event) I would have no problem just showing up in shorts and a tank, but this being a “work event” has me hesitating.

   3. You’re overthinking. Shorts and a tank top for an amusement part are more than fine.

      1. I agree. What do you wear on the weekends now? Would you be concerned about what you were wearing if a coworker or boss ran into you at the park or grocery store in casual weekend attire? Shorts and tank top are fine as log as nothing is hanging out when you wear them. If you want to be a little more covered up, wear a T-shirt and/or capris. Done.

         1. Mostly dresses on the weekends, which would not in any way be embarrassing. But like DCR mentioned above, my fear is flashing (or appearing to flash someone) on any rides. The few pairs of shorts I do own are fairly tight, so I guess that’s why I’m hesitating. Maybe I’ll just go with the shorts I already own and a more “conservative” top.

            I realized this is stupid, just trying to avoid being “that girl” (and ideally not buying a whole new outfit!) at the company outing…

            1. Maybe just buy new shorts?

   4. I’d wear bermuda shorts and a short sleeved tshirt or a sleeveless top with some structure as opposed to a tank top (like a sleeveless button front or the shell from a sweater set). If your 5″ shorts are tight, lots of stores carry bermuda or other mid-thigh lengths now – JCrew comes to mind first but I’m sure there are others.

9. Anyone have experience with petite sizing from the Limited? E.g., compared to BR or Loft petites. I’m an extra small petite person.

   1. I bought a couple of petite pants from the Limited in my normal size and found them to be slightly shorter than the BR equivalent and a little looser in the behind (which didn’t work out for me). Sizing up or down wouldn’t have worked. Loft clothes never fit right on me.

10. Picking up on the wedding drama topic… I have a family member who had a very small (5 people including the bride and groom) backyard wedding shortly before their first child was born. Now, a year and a half later, family member wants to plan the BIG wedding-of-her dreams for next spring. The nice, accommodating part of me thinks, “Well, a wedding is symbolic and a celebration, and there’s no reason we can’t celebrate 2 years later.” But then I just can’t bring myself to care and/or want to go to a wedding for people who have been married for two years and have a child. (I have been to and/or bought gifts for an engagement party, two baby showers, a birthday party, and a christening – so maybe I’m just event-ed out?) It also doesn’t help my mood about the whole thing that it’s exactly one week after another large family wedding.

    Attending would cost me nothing but time or energy since it would be a local wedding. Has anyone had the big celebration years later? Can you put it in perspective for me so I can stop being so scroogy about it?

    1. If gifts were requested, I would find this a little tacky. I never got to have a sweet sixteen, but I’m not interested in throwing one now at 25. You get one wedding (at least, to the same person). Throw a great party afterward (“Our two year anniversary blowout! We had our wedding, but we didn’t get to celebrate with you. So we’re going all out for cotton with our Summer Garden Anniversary Party – we hope to see you there!”) but another wedding seems silly.

       To contrast, I actually do think vow renewals are really sweet (though I throw some serious side eye at vow renewals done after one year of marriage…) and would probably attend but not bring a gift. But I think they’re sweet in a “let’s reaffirm our commitment to one another in this deep, personal relationship kind of way” rather than “let’s throw another wedding.” Especially a big one.

       That said, if it was family and it was local and it was no skin off my nose, I’d just go to keep the peace.

       1. +1 amazingly tacky. By all means, go as a gesture of family goodwill. But don’t feel like you have to give more than a card and your presence.

    2. Maybe she’ll be preggers with number two and will cancel?

    3. As for putting it into perspective, it won’t cost you much except for a few hours of your time. And plenty of people have ceremonies for renewing their vows. Maybe think of it like that?

    4. An invitation is just that, an invite. It’s not a subpoena. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If you do, do. If you think it’s tacky/too late or whatever, perhaps that means you shouldn’t go. Personally, I’m happy to go to any party that sounds fun and that isn’t going to inconvenience me and I wouldn’t be offended at the invitation or the fact that someone is having an event. (I have the same feelings about destination weddings – thrilled to be asked but whether I accept the invitation is in my control and I’ll go if I’m feeling like going.) I think it’s helpful to not react to the invite and instead to just frame it as an option to go to a party that you may or may not want to attend.

    5. It’s tacky as all hell, but your options are the same as with any party- attend with a smile or politely decline.

    6. My husband’s second cousin, approx 24 years old, with 2 kids invited us to her huge wedding last year. I think it was his cousins attempt (bride’s mother) to show off in front of the family. 200+ people, 8 course meal, very lavish.

       I was invited to 2 showers and declined them and the wedding invite, we had never even met. Hubs had not seen her since she was about 3, didn’t even know she had 2 kids. Anyway, purpose of my rant is say do what you want. My mother in law was a bit ticked initially, felt we were letting the family down, lol. But I would have been so ticked to spend the time to attend and now no one cares.

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