ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 248 Comments

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Pleated Lattice Skirt in Hidden Floral

J. Crew Pleated Lattice Skirt in Hidden Floral | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This pleated lattice skirt looks fun and swingy for a casual day at the office, and that pattern looks amazing — black, navy, white, with bursts of orange. Love. It's $118 at J.Crew. J. Crew Pleated Lattice Skirt in Hidden Floral Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

248 Comments

  1. Yikes. I’m tall, so 18 inches on me is scandalously short, but seriously – is 18 inches actually long enough for anyone for a casual day at the office?

    1. only if you’re really petite… I had the same reaction and just measured from my normal skirt waistband height to see where it would hit my thigh, and no way (I’m 5’4). this looks like a skirt that an intern would wear to try to stretch her “fun” clothes into office attire, with mixed success. Cute skirt, though – would wear it to brunch.

    3. I’m 5’2 this would be borderline okay for me, definitely okay for a Friday. Very cute skirt, I think I’m going to order one and see.

      1. +1

        5’1″ and I wear something similar in my casual office with opaque tights, but it’s seriously pushing it. Once I had to pick something off the ground, and it felt awfully revealing. I would definitely not wear it to the office without full coverage underneath.

    5. I tried this on at the store. While the print’s super cute it’s way too short on my 5′ 7″ frame. Also if you have any junk in your trunk whatsoever it becomes even shorter.

    6. That is firmly in mini territory for me (long legs, 5’8″), so much so that I probably wouldn’t even buy it for weekends.

    7. It is for me! I’m 5’0 and 18″ skirts hit right at the knee on me, so I’m delighted to see a skirt posted that I don’t have to hem. :)

    8. Eighteen inches with pleats would be a mini skirt that required hot pants for me. But I like the fabric!

    9. This is definitely too short for me on casual Friday, but I do love the print and how it’s styled on the model. I would wear this exact outfit on the weekends if a- I could pull off ankle booties with skirts b- San Francisco was ever warm enough for this level of bared legs.

    10. I’m wearing an 18″ skirt today. I’m 5’5″ but with a long torso, so shorter legs. My skirt (which is not the one featured here) sits fairly low on my hips, and hits within an inch of the top of my knee when standing (a little shorter when sitting) and I consider that okay for office casual. Probably would be different if the waist of the skirt sat at my actual waist.

      1. +1. I tried this on in the store and had it on my hips and it was basically knee length. I’m 5’4″. And it’s a gorgeous skirt, though I didn’t buy it because I wasn’t quite sure how to style it. If it goes on sale, I’ll order it.

  2. Just out of curiosity, would you rather have a simple or solitaire engagement ring with a bigger center stone, or a smaller center with a more elaborate (pave, side stone, etc) setting?

    1. I like the simplicity of a solitaire. But I’m not really a great data point since I’m personally opposed to the engagement ring idea in general and don’t wear one.

      1. Me too. Though I do love jewelry in general. I did opt for stones in my wedding band, and went with a small uncut ruby at the center and a few tiny ones around the rest of the band (band itself was also molded).

        I think both can look good, but it’s really a matter of style and the shape of your fingers, so you should try on before making a decision. The one thing that I personally feel always looks a little OOT regardless of who’s wearing it is a large center stone with a pave setting.

    2. I hate pave/sidestones. I feel they look gaudy, so I’d go bigger with a plain, classic band. But I know the pave stuff is widely popular. To me it looks so “real housewives”

      2. Actually, pave settings predate the Real Housewives by many decades, if not centuries. I wore (during my first marriage) my grandmother’s engagement ring, which was a platinum shank, with a 1 carat miner’s cut solitaire and small pave diamonds on either side in a horseshoe arrangement, with a single baguette cutting through each horseshoe. It was made in the 1920s and is Art Deco style and very delicate. (I am 5’2″ and wear a ring size 4 1/2, so that is the correct proportion/style for me.) It is gorgeous, and I always got compliments on it. It had an eternity band of small round diamonds that my grandmother wore with it. I did not inherit the band, so we had an eternity band of platinum and brilliant cut diamonds made to go with it.

        Now, I wear a custom made Cartier trinity-style platinum rolling ring of three eternity bands set with pave diamonds. Although it is more and smaller stones than grandma’s ring, it is a more tailored look because it is less fussy.

    3. Solitaire – but that matches my style (tailored, a little preppy, dislike fussy or overly intricate jewelry).

      1. Yay! Kat, I love this pleated skirt, tho it is probabley a little to short for me and Frank would be stareing at my leg’s (and other place’s he should NOT be looking at. FOOEY! b/c I would like to try and wear more stuff like this when I do NOT have to go to court. Mason is starteing to look at me in a sexueal way also ever since I told him to stay away from Lynn at work. That is all I need is for some milenial like him wanteing to have sex with me. DOUBEL FOOEY!

        As for the OP, yes, at this point I would take any ring if my putative husband to be would just marry me already. The probleme is that there is no one interested in taking me as his wife. I need a HUSBAND to marry and support me. Where are they and why do only these schlub’s want to have sex with me? The onley alternative is to let them and hope they will marry me? No thank’s, I did that with Mr. Sheketovits and all I got out of that were soiled sheet’s and left over nuts in my kitchen. TRIPEL FOOEY!

        Myrna said she will ONLEY do a tryatheleon next year if they test the HUDSON first, b/c the poopie got to her and she was sick for day’s! I would NEVER swim in the HUDSON b/c of all the poopie from upstate floating down river past Manhattan where she jumped in. Even Rosa’s house and other’s sewer’s in Chapaqua probably emptie’s into the Hudson, so there is a lot of poopie going into the river. Thank you, but NO, I will NEVER go into that water.

        The manageing partner’s brother got approved and is having renovation’s start after Labor Day. He expect’s to move in by Thank’s giving so now I will have him to deal with. FOOEY! He already is asking me about other men in my life. Why does he take such libertie’s? FOOEY! I need the HIVE to step in and tell him to go away b/c I cannot do that w/o getting the manageing partner angry. FOOEY! For now, the manageing partner is happy with my CLE slide’s on International Arbitration. YAY!!!!!

    4. I have a .5 carat solitaire in a bezel setting. We designed it together, and it’s perfect for me. I’m too rough on jewelry for anything elaborate or big.

    5. I have a varied approach. I received a tiffany-style solitaire in white gold for my engagement ring. I knew I wanted a tiny band of channel-set diamonds for my wedding ring, so we began to look at platinum with an eye toward upgrading the engagement ring in the future.

      Fast forward almost 5 years, and when I was pregnant with my first, hubs bought me a pair of diamond stud earrings. When I was pregnant with #2, we had the engagement diamond re-set with the earrings flanking for a custom 3-stone ring that represents all my boys. The center stone is not quite a half-carat, and the earrings are about a half-carat total, so they’re all actually pretty similar in size. It is clear that the earrings are subordinate to the center stone, but they’re well-proportioned.

      FWIW, I rarely wear any other jewelry on my hands/arms. I sometimes wear a watch, and very rarely will wear bracelets. But I always wear simple earrings (usually tiny silver hoops, or today, small silver-mounted pearl studs), and sometimes necklaces. In all, I’d say my day-to-day jewelry is pretty subdued.

      1. How gorgeous! I love the look of the three-stone and it must be even more special with the symbolism of your children! Can I ask, with your username (Medic) do you have to take your ring off when you work? Some of my friends are nurses and wear them on a chain.

        1. I do take my ring off when I run calls. Hubs bought me a plain titanium band with a key inside-joke phrase engraved inside that I wear when I run calls (or run errands on the weekends, etc–I take my rings off at the end of the day as a result of a dream I had years ago about losing the diamonds). Otherwise, I wear the titanium band on my right hand. I really should stop wearing them altogether, as I did receive an injury on a training because of the ring (I was carrying a patient on a backboard, using one of the handles, and the pressure of the ring against my finger just caused some pretty severe discoloration/bruising to the rest of the ring finger, but no permanent damage–I just had to take the ring off before my finger got too swollen). A lot of my friends do the same, but some don’t either.

      2. I also have a three stone engagement ring that my husband picked to represent our new family, since my daughter from a previous relationship was five when we got married. But if it wasn’t for that symbolism I would have preferred a single diamond.

    6. I always thought I’d like an egagement convertible.

      Now, after being married for 7 years, husband is now convinced that the $ he spent on the sparkly thing he bought (that is really nice, but didn’t fit when I was pregnant and doesn’t get worn most of the weekends) would have been better off spent on the convertible.

      So, when he insisted on a sparkly thing, I went vintage and OMG it is so me (if there were ever a ring for me; not much of a jewelry person). Big center stone with a cut they don’t make anymore (European) and little side stones in an art-deco pattern. If the Chrysler building were a ring, it might look like what I have.

      1. How gorgeous! I love the OEC cut, it’s so under appreciated and breathtaking! I’m kind of with you on the cost of the ring. I think I’ll probably ask for a diamond alternative (some new man-made gems are 1/10 the cost and have the same look/sparkle) and spend the rest on a down payment/honeymoon fund.

        1. I tried that, too. But I couldn’t find a CZ smaller than 5 carats, which looked cartoonish.

          When 2009 hit and we were laying off people, I did wish I had had the cash. And I did get to wondering how much I could sell / pawn it for if the axe did in fact fall (I got a massive pay cut, which I counsidered a lucky break).

          1. I feel really lucky–I think the market has really expanded in the last few years for people wanting more affordable options. I’ll probably go with a silicon carbide gem (there are a few different gems/lines out there) and save away the extra.

        2. I have a moissanite that’s the equivalent of 1 ct and I love it. I’ve worn it every day for 2.5 years without trouble.

      2. I have a vintage Edwardian era ring. It’s a square cut diamond with a round cluster setting around it (almost like a halo). It is sparkly but fairly understated with a plain band.

      3. I love the description of the Chrysler building as a ring. I have a small, antique sapphire ring (not a wedding ring, just a right-hand ring) and that describes it perfectly.

    8. My mother has a really nice diamond she’s said she’s going to give to my potential future SO, but I’ve always wanted a sapphire, so I think I’d like sapphire side stones. It suits me, since I like the more vintage 3-stone look anyway.

      1. There are some beautiful rings with a sapphire center stone flanked by smaller diamonds. They really make the sapphire pop!

        1. Yeah, that’s what I originally wanted, but my mothers 1.1 carat VVS2 grade diamond is too gorgeous to pass up as a center stone. I’m having trouble finding anything similar to what I’m envisioning, and I hope it would look nice.

          1. Baconpancakes, have you looked at Blue Nile? They have some great three-stone ring settings with sapphire (and other) side stones, and empty space for your center stone. Love their stuff.

      2. My boss has a sapphire center stone, and it is gorgeous. I envy it regularly. It never would have occurred to me to add color at the time that I got engaged, but sapphire is certainly neutral enough to go with anything.

        1. I love blue (go team cobalt) and it goes with everything I wear, and the traditional diamond solitaire, while classic and beautiful, always seemed a bit boring to me.

      3. I have a 1 carat (just under) center stone with ruby side stones. Also a low setting so it won’t catch on much.

        1. Ooh, what’s the setting like? Are the stones all round? I’m having trouble finding anything similar to what I’m looking for, but yours sounds like it, only ruby.

          2. Dude, that anon nailed it! My setting looks just like that. The stones are all round. Oh, and I think the rubies on my ring are about 0.25 or 0.3 carat each.

      4. Mine is exactly like this as well, with round stones. I love it, and I get lots of compliments. I have a matching band with alternating two diamonds, two sapphires, and whenever I get around to it I would like to get a matching “mother’s” band with alternative blue topaz and emeralds for my kids.

    9. Totally a matter of personal style. Personally I find solitaries boring and I like more stones. I’m especially partial to antique/deco styles. I also prefer colored stones and non-diamonds. But there’s no “rule” here.

      1. Sorry, meant to hit reply but hit report instead.

        This is me. I thought I was the simple solitaire type, but you’d be surprised at what you thought you want vs. what you really want once you actually tried some of these on. I don’t care if it’s really diamond, swarovski krystals are fine too as long as the band is gold/platinum so it doesn’t stain my fingers.

    10. Absolutely a solitaire with a bigger stone. I feel the halo, pave, etc. is a trend and will pass. A solitaire is classic and it gives you options to always further embellish it, add to it for anniversaries etc.

    11. It depends on the side setting. If it looks art deco or edwardian, then I want a side setting (think filigree with some tiny diamonds incorporated). Not a fan of the more modern styles of this, though, like where it’s a center stone with two smaller side stones on a plain setting, but there are few art deco rings I don’t like. (I would have loved to have my grandmother’s engagement ring. Sadly, it went to a cousin, who shortly “lost” (pawned) it).

    12. I’m not engaged (yet!), but, having very classic taste, I’ve always said I want a big huge solitaire, Ascher cut. While the halo and pave looks are pretty, I agree with McGiggles that they are trends that will pass.

      ETA: I would also prefer a smaller diamong solitaire than a center stone that is really a bunch of small diamonds glued together to make it look like one large stone.

        1. I meant the setting is a “trend” as in it ebbs and flows in popularity (as trends are wont to do) and happens to have been very popular for the past several years. Hence, “halo settings are among the most popular in engagement rings this season” however “very few classic halo styles are seen throughout the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s.”

          Thanks for the link, though.

        2. Maybe it does ebb and flow, but if you’re under the age of 50 and have a halo setting, I can pinpoint when you got engaged within a 5 year time frame, no doubt.

    13. I think this is extremely style specific and depends on what your normal fashion style is. As someone said above, I have very classic taste, so I went for the classic Tiffany solitaire ring.

      One thing I think people sometimes ignore is size in proportion to the rest of you. I think it looks kind of unwieldy if you’re super petite and have a 4 carat rock on your hand – almost like you’re playing dressup.

    14. I want the biggest shiniest ring I can afford, so I plan to go with small center stone surrounded by other stones instead of medium center stone. Max bling, y’all.

      1. My mom has a diamond surrounded by smaller (but not tiny) diamonds. I recently got engaged and would have SWORN her center diamond was much larger than mine. Nope, mine is bigger but her set looks bigger and more impressive (not to say I don’t love my ring, I do). So, I think your approach is probably effective!

    15. I have pave stones on my band, but a 1.5carat center stone. So no side stones or halo. I still get the impact of a solitaire with a blingy band. My fiance didn’t want to go with a halo because the bands are more expensive and he preferred a larger center stone. I went in to shopping thinking I wanted a solitaire, but be opened minded and see what you gravitate towards. I also think it depends on budget and size of the center diamond you are looking at. A small diamond would look silly with my ring, so you have to balance that out.

    16. I have a three-stone, bezel set, “halo” sing. On my small hand, it looks like a knuckle full of diamonds, but truly, its not flashy or obnoxious. (Tiffany’s has a similar setting, and it’s one of their classics.) I love it because its a bit different, but also because it doesn’t catch on anything like a traditional solitaire might.

    17. I just recently went through this process, so it’s pretty fresh in my mind! When I first started engagement shopping, I had my heart set on a simple solitaire setting, yet I ended up with a pave/halo setting. I learned that I didn’t like the look of the solitaire on my hand as much, and I also realized I don’t like the settings where you can see a lot of the metal prongs that hold the diamond in place (no idea why – just my own personal preference). However, to offset all of the sparkly, the pave band and halo setting are both extremely thin and delicate, to keep the ring from being too chunky & in your face.

        1. I pretty much got an engagement beagle and a ring too! And for the 10-year anniversary I got an anniversary beagle and a tin heart (tin being the 10-year material).

          1. So for the 20th, do you get two beagles, and three for 30th…? That would be a great incentive to stay married!

  4. Where do you get your casual clothes (what you are wearing when you are not at work)? I am transitioning out of my general casual wardrobe of jeans, flipflops and t-shirts and trying to be a bit more stylish. I have some summer dresses, which are cool casual and fun. But I am struggling with other stuff. Blogs, fashion ideas, and stores would be really helpful. I also am trying not to look like everyone else (jumping on super trendy bandwagon). Amazingly, I get a lot of compliments about my work wear, but I don’t want to dress like that all the time– you know?

    1. Ain’t no Mom jeans blog (even if you’re not a parent) because the casual stuff she does (I think) looks really nice and isn’t too expensive.

      I excel at office attire and really struggle to avoid exercise wear on weekends (or shorts + shirt in the summer).

      2. Yes, I am not a parent, nor do I think I ever will be and I love her blog. She focuses on wearing comfortable yet still stylish clothing that you can actually move around and relax in.

        I usually shop at Target, Madewell, and Nordstrom for casual stuff.

      3. +1 My style is really nothing like hers, but her technique is fantastic and she’s so good at explaining why something works or why it doesn’t. I also really appreciate her seasonal trend summaries, because frankly I’m really out of touch these days and need the efficient update. Only downside is that she’s built very differently than me and it requires a lot of imagination to see how or if a suggestion would work on me.

        I also like Franish. I think her style is adorable and very similar to mine. I also watch Putting Me Together. Her style is more trendy/bland, but worth watching because she has some good ideas and is built a little more like me.

        On weekends, I’ve come to wearing 1-3 basic concepts per season that are fun, comfy, and stylish – and then just repeating with slight variations. For example, in the colder months I frequently wear leggings and a knit miniskirt with whatever top. It’s cozy and easy, but still feels a bit sexy.

    2. Blogs – Outfit Posts (mix of work wear and casual), Putting Me Together and Wardrobe Oxygen (sometimes she share’s weekend outfits on Instagram)

      You Look Fab – if you sign up for the forums you can see what outfits other members are posting.

    3. Piperlime. I love how they style things, and some of the prices are pretty reasonable.

    4. I’m awful at it. We were having a friend around for Sunday lunch and I have work clothes and yoga clothes, nothing in between. I don’t wear jeans so there goes that option. I need a jersey skirt and maybe a jersey / tunic-y dress?

      1. A shift dress or loose fit n flare is the perfect weekend throw-on outfit. I like LOFT for those.

      2. Old Navy has some cute jersey dresses. I like skirts, but then I have problems trying to find tops for it, so I usually end up with dresses.

    5. It’s blazingly hot here right now, so my weekend wear is usually light casual dresses from J Crew, Loft, Anthro, or Target. Pants are not an option, and even shorts get too swampy. When it’s nicer out, I’ll usually do jeans with boots or flats + a sweater from the above stores.

    6. I like LOFT and Old Navy for casual clothes. Both have great sales, so I’d wait to get things at least 30% off.

    7. I buy my casual clothes from LOFT, Uniqlo and Cyrillus (French brand).
      All the clothes are usually soft, easy to wear and have an interesting detail or cut yet understated.

  5. It looks a bit too short and sheer for my office, and I work in a pretty casual environment.

    But for a weekend, sure – if I had the legs for it, which I don’t!

  6. If you were going to a wedding in November in the Northeast on a Friday at 4pm, assuming fairly casual, what would you wear?

    1. pretty long-sleeved or 3/4 sleeve wrap dress–like a DvF–tights & heels or heeled boots? Wool wrap?

  7. Background about us: We’re in our early 20s, met in high school and are now living in the Bay Area. Our extended family is scattered across the globe, but both of our parents and some of his family still live in our hometown. Our friends are concentrated in the Bay Area, since my fiance went to college there, but my college friends and our high school friends live all over. Having a wedding in SF is out because everything is so, so expensive. Guests skew high-income and almost everyone would be willing to travel. With all of this in mind, where would you have the wedding?

    Option A: Our hometown, a midsized Southern city. Fairly easy to get to, but HOT in the summer (and we need to have a summer wedding because siblings are still in school). Venue choice may stir up some resentment in the family here (sort of complicated). Not a super awesome city but near beach.

    Option B: Where I spent my summers growing up on the east coast. We are super emotionally attached to this place – it is beautiful and also in a cheap area. Hard to get to, though – close to a small/expensive airport and about two hours from a major hub. The smallish city it’s nearby is very fun and would be an easy place to stay for a weekend.

    Option C: Small town in rural California (3 hours from SF, 1.5 hours from Sacramento). Also cheap(er) and beautiful; probably would require SF guests to rent a car and spend the weekend. I think our guests would be fine with this, but I don’t want people to feel inconvenienced.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated!

    1. Any of the above sound great. I’d go where you guys like it the best. I’d keep in mind that in really remote places it can be cheaper but harder to find vendors so you may get stuck paying a little more for services because there’s no alternative.

    2. I vote option b, if only because reading between the lines here that sounds like the one you are most excited about…you are going to inconvenience someone no matter what, it sounds like, so go with what you like best.

      1. Me too. We had our wedding in a destination spot about 1-2 hrs from an airport, and both sides of the family were similarly inconvenienced, but everyone stayed for the weekend and it was AWESOME.

      2. I agree — if I hadn’t had people get married in their hometowns / special places, I probably would never have been to some places that were really great to spend a weekend.

        Fredericksburg, VA; Exton, PA; Lititz, PA; Hudson, OH; Wheeling; Mobile; NOLA; Seattle; Lynchburg; tons of random places.

    3. I would go with B or C. Family resentment is no good.

      We opted for B, basically. While our families aren’t scattered, our venue was an hour+ from the nearest regional airport, and 2-4 hours (traffic dependent) on the nearest hub. We married at my aunt & uncle’s weekend house where I spent a lot of time growing up. It’s 2+ hours from our home and most of our friends, and 1-4+ from our family. There were B&B in the area, and we ended up choosing vendors from the nearest city (where the regional airport was), which is a university city with a pretty bustling hip economy, but still, all the vendors were more than an hour away (but, we also only used a caterer/cake team, photographer & a rental service–everything else like flowers & the like we provided ourselves). We knew it was a good party when our friends, who still had to drive home, stayed till the bitter end and then faced the 2+ hour drive, but there were lots of friends who stayed in B&B or local all-seasons mountain resort. Was easy to make a cool weekend of it.

    4. If you’re doing a late summer wedding on the east coast, just be aware of hurricane season. We were in the Outer Banks for a cousin’s wedding and had to evacuate for Hurricane Irene. They moved the wedding to a Friday night (from Saturday night) and then everyone had to try and get out of town the next morning. Instead of flying out of North Carolina, we had to drive three states over for the first available flight out before the hurricane hit.

      They all sound like great options. I’m assuming the venue choice in your hometown has to do with potential religious/places of worship. And are you wedded (ha!) to an outdoor wedding or reception? If not, then the weather shouldn’t matter too much in your hometown.

    5. Rancho Nicasio in Marin County. Recently went to a wedding there and it was beautiful-food was great and setting is really pretty. Prices were reasonable-$80 per person which I think included booze???

    6. B or C. But you sound more excited about B, so B. 2 hours from a major hub isn’t really that remote when you consider that there are a lot of major cities where it can take an hour just to get from the airport to the city center anyway.

    7. When you weigh your options, think about who you want coming to the wedding. If one of the options excludes a segment of those you are inviting, really consider if that’s a good or bad thing (it could go either way). If you choose a more remote site, it’s likely that you’ll have a smaller wedding, which may be exactly what you want.

      When DH and I married, we chose his hometown, which is a destination for many, and near my parents. My family had more resources to travel, whereas for his family it was local. Totally worked out for a wedding full of family, which was what we wanted. If we held it where we live, it would have been much smaller and had more friends, fewer relatives.

    8. I’m amused that nearly every thread on here today is wedding related.

      I’d go with the hometown wedding, but that’s because of convenience of more vendors, larger city, and my own family’s fussiness about travel and hotels and how much they would complain about having to shell out the travel costs.

      It sounds like for you, option B is what you really want, although you might need to keep in mind that you’ll have to scale down either the size or elaborateness of the wedding to fit the distance from the city. I know that my wedding will largely be for my family, though, and not for me, so you should pick what you really want!

    9. I think it also is important to consider how much you want to do yourself, whether you are planning on hiring a coordinator, your budget, and whether you have a car/live in a place with storage. If you want to stay within a fairly small budget, and don’t want to use a coordinator, Option C will probably be way less stressful.

      As someone planning an across the country wedding (in a place we are very familiar with, as we used to live there), there are some definite challenges that wouldn’t be there if we could take weekend or day trips to scope out the place, meet with vendors, buy and store supplies ahead of time. Something to think about.

    10. Thanks everyone! I think we are leaning towards Option B or C at this point but are still trying to figure out whether Option B would be worth the long-distance planning (if anyone has done this without a huge amount of stress, I’d love to hear about it!) And JJ, you were right about the tension surrounding venues in Option A: we are a interfaith couple and there may be sadness/resentment/what have you about us getting married in our hometown but not in our childhood places of worship. Our families overall are thrilled that we are getting married, but we’d rather not dredge up any lingering issues.

      1. Hire a local planner. It will be the best money you ever spend. Communicate your vision and let them make it happen.

        1. +1

          I’m thinking of adopting “pick your team well and then trust them” as my new motto for life.

        2. I vote B with a local planner. We did a modest wedding in the city where we lived, and I still regret not getting a planner who doubles as day-of coordinator!

          I was actually going to suggest A based solely on planning convenience – but it does not sound so convenient after all! Avoid the drama.

          C sounds nice, too. I’d like it as a guest about equally, from what you say. But you sound more excited about B.

      2. We chose option B and planned the wedding in a little under 10 months. At month 3 we flew to the wedding location (it’s a family home we have vacationed at for years, which was why we chose it, and cheaper than our HCOL city). I researched all the options for florists, cakes, etc beforehand and did all the planning that week I was there by meeting with vendors and putting down deposits. We also flew down a week early to finish up last minute items.

        To make it easy on guests we picked an Embassy Suites which had a free airport shuttle. We also provided a shuttle to/from the reception. So, guests didn’t need a rental car. Many of my friends came 2-3 days early and we had a blast hanging out. A few guests also stayed later, rented cars, and extended the trip to a vacation. We picked a minor holiday weekend that many government employees have off, so people turned it into a long weekend easily without taking extra time from work.

        What I love most is we still get to go back to the venue and it has a special place for us when we’re on vacation. No one in our close family or friends complained or opted out because of the flight, since they’d all have been flying anyway.

        The only people who did not come were elderly relatives that we were not close to – which makes sense, it’s a flight, and many of them barely leave the house; also, they’d never met us (or only met one of us when we were tiny). This didn’t bother me, but it did bother my MIL a little. I’ve still yet to meet the relatives from my husband’s side that didn’t come, but he’s met almost all of mine by now at other family events. This would be the one point I would consider an issue.

      1. But it is perfect in the Foothills. I want to a gorgeous wedding near Empire Mine a couple of years ago, in the summer.

    12. One of my nieces just got married in what I think of as option c, it was a small town called Murphys in the “gold country” part of the CA foothills. Really nice and super fun. We live in the Bay Area and it was a fun weekend away. We went hiking, swimming and the wedding was in a winery. It was a really fun time.

  9. Related to the engagement ring discussion, does anyone wear just a simple wedding band?

    1. My mother wore a plain but solid platinum band alone for as long as I can remember. It’s a very classy look. Recently she stopped wearing it because she needs to get it expanded and she doesn’t want to spend the money (very frugal). Now she’s wearing a different gold band that I don’t like as much.

      1. What’s different about the one you don’t like? I got married recently and we haven’t got rings yet. I’m thinking about a plain yellow gold 2mm band

        1. The new band is not plain, it’s wider and the gold has a kind of pleated design (can’t really describe it). It’s not really a wedding band look, but she’s been married 50+ years and I guess she figures everyone knows that.

    2. Yep! Plain gold band and I love it. I’m in my early 30s, and for what it’s worth this seems to be more common on women of our mother’s generation. I am definitely a jewelry person, but wanted something that would go with everything.

      1. I plan on doing this for the same reasons. Totally a jewelry person but I think this is a classic look! Also, a plain band gives you the opportunity to match your ring to your partner’s if that interests you.

    3. I did when pregnant and often do on the weekend / when exercising (and then it sticks for a while after that). I still consider rings with stones to be dressy and too fancy to wear around randomly.

    4. Literally the first pregnancy symptom that I had for both pregnancies was swollen fingers, so much that my wedding ring wouldn’t fit. I bought a simple sterling silver band a few sizes larger than my ring and wore that through both pregnancies and afterwards (until I could get my ring back on). I actually loved having a simple band because it didn’t catch on anything.

    5. see my above comment re: running rescue calls. Sometimes I just wear the wedding band (channel set diamonds, but the band is only 1-2mm wide) instead of all of the rings, for the purpose of being streamlined & low profile.

      1. My wedding band sounds similar, channel set, 1-2mm wide, diamonds don’t wrap around the whole band. I’m leaning toward wearing only the wedding band, especially as I get older.

      2. That’s what I’ve gotten as my wedding band, esp. since I have teeny tiny fingers apparently (size 3.25 ring….)

        1. me too–mine are all 4.25 but I desperately need to have them resized–probably to a 3 – 3.5 or so. I have had to purchase cheap Claire’s type silver rings in tiny sizes to hold my other rings on my fingers. So, on my left hand, I have wedding band, 3-stone ring, and 2mm sterling silver plain band on the outside. On the right, I have the titanium band and a tiny leaf-motif almost wire-gauge ring to hold the titanium band on. I will love the day that I don’t have to wear so many rings to keep them all together!!

    7. A number of ladies I know with valuable engagement rings (2 carats or up) wear a plain band because their bigger ring isn’t suitable for daily wear.

        1. Some people do like large stones for special occasions but not to wear every day (like my mother, described above).

          1. I wear mine to work and to special events, but not around the house or on weekends. So it gets worn a lot. Just not all the time.

          2. I have a 1.5c solitaire engagement ring (so not huge in the scheme of things) that I wear for special events, date night, etc. Otherwise, I wear my plain platinum band. I love my engagement ring, but wearing just my plain band has come to have symbolic meaning to me: day to day, marriage may not be “sparkly” or “pretty” but it does endure. The plain band is, for me, a nice reminder of this.

          3. My stone is smaller than a carat (about .80 if I remember) and I do wear it every day to work… but I don’t wear it around the house; I take it off as soon as I get home. I had to have the stone reset after 20 years and the jeweler told me that wearing it to wash dishes, etc is what caused the prongs to wear down.

      2. I do this because I have a large (non-diamond) engagement ring. I found I got a TON of comments on it when I was engaged, and now prefer to just wear my wedding band (which is small pave diamonds) for daily wear and the engagement ring only for date nights or special occasions. I find I enjoy putting on the engagement ring to make those nights special, but like the simplicity and understatement of the band for everyday purposes.

    8. I have an engagement and wedding ring that no longer fit, so they have been sitting in the safe for several years now. I have since bought smaller gold bands, one white and one yellow, off Amazon for about $100 each. I typically wear these on a daily basis now and they are so much more comfortable. I bought a Swarovski set so that I have something fancy for dressing up, but that I don’t really care about. I just can’t bring myself to touch my original engagement ring and wedding band to resize them, and after wearing the plain bands for a few years I don’t particularly want to wear them anyway.

    9. I wear my plain platinum band on weekends. I love my diamond engagement ring but it’s too much for running around with/after a toddler. I chose the simple band because a) it’s traditional for j*ws and b) I wanted to be able to wear it traveling or in other situations where I don’t want to be at all flashy.

    10. Because the detailed description of my rings will out me, but does anyone switch out engagement or wedding rings on a regular basis (for style reasons, not for exercise/work reasons)? My fiance and I are lucky enough to have inherited several rings. My engagement ring is my grandmother’s platinum solitaire. For wedding rings, we have the matching platinum band with small diamonds, a plain gold band (from my fiance’s father’s side of the family), and a white gold band with a pattern of small sapphires and small diamonds (2 diamonds, 2 sapphires all around) (from my fiance’s mother’s side of the family).

      All three of the bands look good with the solitaire. I feel the diamond sapphire band is the least versatile, but it is the one my fiance proposed with and sapphire is my birthstone. I also like the idea of using one of the bands from my fiance’s family rather than my own (we took a gold pendant I inherited from my grandmother to make his wedding ring). I kind of like the idea of switching it up regularly, and maybe even sometimes combining or using certain ones on the right hand.

      2. My MIL does this. She has a couple of really nice family engagement rings so she switches them out depending on her outfit

      3. Angie at You Look Fab dot com does this. She has several wedding bands and switches them out to match her mood and her outfit.

      4. My mom does this. She’s been married going on 40 years, and over the years she’s acquired various anniversary bands and diamond rings in different styles and metals. She wears whichever one goes with her look and activities that day. I’d do that too, if I’d had as long to accumulate different rings or money to purchase several right off the bat.

    11. My wedding band is a plain thin white gold band. I wear it with my engagement ring which is also white gold and has a 1 carat solitaire.

      1. This. It is my MIL’s ring set and she never liked it, never wore the engagement ring. We had them soldered together to prevent wear and swirling around on the finger. I couldn’t be happier. Wearing them more years than they were hers now…

    12. Yes. Well, my band isn’t simple, but it’s definitely a band. I didn’t want an engagement ring. Though lately I don’t wear anything since I’m still returning to pre-pregnancy size and the ring is a bit snug.

    13. I have a simple gold band. DH and I married before we finished undergrad, had no money and I did not want a microscopic diamond. I’ve been very happy with its timeless look. DH made it clear that he eventually wanted to buy me a diamond. I kept putting him off (there were always houses, trips, other things I wanted to spend disposable $$ on) but when our 20th anniversary approached, he said “I’m spending $10K on a ring – either you pick it out or I will.” So I chose a 3 stone, princess cut ~ 3 carats TW that I wear on my right hand and love. Will be married 34 years in a couple weeks :)

    15. Yes. I wear a white gold band. Very simple, although it does have 5 tiny little diamonds around it.

    16. I do. White gold band with no stones. It’s so simple and easy. I only take it off when I’m cooking meat.

    17. Yes. I didn’t want a diamond when we got engaged because apartheid and then conflict diamonds, so each of us got a plain yellow gold band. I think it’s classy and love it. I had to get it sized up after 25 years but it’s still the same ring.

  10. Re: engagement rings…I have a 2 ct oval sapphire with a diamond on each side. My band is an eternity band of sapphires and diamonds…my birthstone is sapphire and hubby’s is diamond. (Yellow gold) I love it…originally I wanted a vintage ring but this is very me and it looks as beautiful as when I got it, 30 plus years ago!

  11. Skin care/retinol question:

    I just started using a retinol cream (Roc) on the areas on my face that are wrinkly: crow’s feet, forehead lines, and smile lines. I notice that I am breaking out on one smile line, but not on the rest of my face. Can retinol make you break out? If so, is it the kind of thing that goes away after a couple of weeks, or should I try to switch brands? And finally, is this the correct way to use it or are you just supposed to apply a super thin layer all over your face?

    1. I had a similar issue with a retinol product. After a bit it goes away. In the interim, I used it every other day and only at night, to let my skin adjust slowly. A week or two of that and it was fine.

    2. I use pure retin-a and I did see a lot of initial irritation when I first started. Retin A also works by drawing up the impurities and then drying them out, so if you have a pimple growing, it’ll encourage it until it’s HUGE and then dry it out. At least that’s how it works for me. I also had a sunburn-type irritation too (if you get this, back off your usage until it calms down). I think the proper protocol is a pea-sized amount spread all over the face, but since I don’t yet have wrinkles, I use it as a spot treatment when I get acne and only apply it in the t-zone to prevent more acne.

    3. Yep. Give it at least a month (preferably two) before you move on. Most of the irritation is during weeks 2-4 and slowly backs off after that. If it’s really bothering you, switch to applying every other day until your skin adjusts.

    4. Think of it as a super light version of isotretinoin (accutane). With that kind of medication, you get many breakouts, which eventually go away, so at the commercially available retinol concentration it should be normal but at a smaller scale.

  12. I’m looking for some cheap, work appropriate short sleeved blouses (not button ups); I’m about an XL. Anyone know anywhere decent I could look to find a few that aren’t $50/each. I’m okay with them being cheap and not lasting too long, as long as they don’t look overly cheap (too shiny/sheer). Thanks!

    1. I’m about your size and I often have good luck on the BR sale racks. I find HandM is a hit and miss.

    2. JCPenney or Macy’s may be a good option. They’re usually fairly good for a season or two, and if you care for them right, they can last longer.

    4. NY & Company might also be a good place to look. Some stuff there is cheap, but other stuff has been surprisingly long lasting.

    5. I really like the ones at Austin Reed. They are on super-sale right now. They are very high quality cotton and might be worth the splurge. Because they’re cotton, they’re not clingy.

      Saw a few cute gingham ones on Eddie Bauer’s website on sale recently too.

  13. Anyone’s law firm require that they sign something agreeing they will pay back salary “paid by firm” during maternity leave if they don’t return to work for the amount of time they were on leave? Mine did. Still trying to clarify what “paid by firm” means since I thought insurance paid some/all. No plans not to return but think it is misleading to tout paid maternity leave since this will change a significant condition of employment during the time period after leave.

    1. Wow. Just to clarify, if you’re on maternity leave for 12 weeks, you have to stay 12 weeks after you return to avoid this?

      1. That’s how I understand it… and it’s one of those things you don’t want to ask too many questions to clarify…

    2. In Canada maternity leave is paid under the public employment insurance system to a middle income level – federal government employees and many private sector employees get what’s known as ‘top-up’ – basically the firm pays the difference between your insurance paid amount and your regular salary. It’s common for that additional amount (beyond the insurance paid part) to have to be repaid if you don’t stay with the firm for a certain period afterwards.

      That said, these policies are pretty common knowledge and not sprung on people at the last minute.

      1. This. When I went on maternity leave I knew that I would have to work full time for a year afterwards, or I would have to repay the top-up (such as it was).

    3. Not going to get specific in case it outs my firm, but our firm requires a salary pay back (for the salary you receive during 12 week maternity leave) if you don’t return to work, or return but don’t stay at work for a set period of time.

      1. I hate to hear this. Curious if they require the same for other types of paid medical leave. (Curious about that at my own firm as well.)

        1. My thought exactly. If it were prostate cancer treatment, or foot surgery, would the policy be the same?

      2. My firm does this, and I’m okay with it. We don’t treat maternity leave as an “earned” benefit – you’re immediately eligible for maternity leave on hire – and so you must repay salary if you don’t return to work or stay for a certain period of time afterward. I’m fine with it, to be honest.

    4. I’ve seen this often and I think it’s terrible. When I’ve seen it I think it is for all FMLA.

    6. My prior firm did not have this type of requirement, but they did pay a portion of the maternity leave benefits. My leave was 6 months, fully paid. I think disability insurance/state disability benefits covered 60-70% of that, but the firm paid the difference.

    7. I haven’t encountered this, but at least with my employer, there was a certain amount of my leave paid by STD (I think 50-60%). My employer “tops up” the rest to 100%, so they are paying me 40-50%. I could be that it’s this difference that they are referring to. In my state (CA), the STD is required for a employer the size of mine. The remainder is a benefit my employer offers. While it’d be crappy to ask for back-pay if you left, I guess I can kind of see it (not endorsing it)

      1. This. My STD plan pays 50% for four weeks (weeks 2-6 of my leave). Something similar is pretty standard, so if you’ll be getting 100% pay for all 12 weeks, your firm is paying the difference. (Mine pays nothing, fwiw, so most of my leave is completely unpaid).

        I’ve heard of such an agreement. I can understand it, because the firm is really going above and beyond average.

  14. Am I weird for never thinking about my ideal wedding ring? I’m in my late 20s, and it seems like everyone I know is obsessed but I kind of just don’t care. Most of my friends also dream about their weddings and really want to have big weddings and that just sounds awful to me.

    1. No, I feel the same way. I’m getting married soon, and I literally could not care less about anything involved. We’re not having a wedding mostly because of family issues (also the idea seems really unpleasant as we’re very private people), and we’ll get rings at some point, but I’m not particularly interested. Too much else to think about in life and better ways to enjoy my husband’s company than spending time on wedding planning.

    2. I never thought about it. After we got engaged, we ring shopped together (I wasn’t sure if I wanted one, nevermind what it might be). Once I tried on a few different styles, we ended up getting a vintage ring that we both really liked.

      As for the wedding, I never dreamed about that either. My husband wanted to have a celebration with all of our family/friends. We did have a decent sized wedding, and it was nice to do it for family, I think. There’s something in between eloping and having the wedding you dreamed about since you were 5 (not that anything is wrong with either of those options, but I think sometimes the middle ground, which may even be most common, isn’t really discussed that much).

      2. I actually think its dangerous to day dream about weddings since your 5. If you don’t day dream about your graduation from med school law school, the day you sign the papers to start your own business, the day you actually get to celebrate achieving something, why are you daydreaming about a party?

    3. Nope, not weird. I’m a super big party person, but I’m not married (ha) to any particular kind of dream wedding. I do have very, very specific likes and dislikes in jewelry, and I was seriously thinking about marrying my last boyfriend, so I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about the ring, but it’s not weird at all, and honestly, you’re probably a lot happier for it.

    4. Not weird at all. I’m married and didn’t think about rings until friends started prodding me about it (because my now-husband asked them to get info from me). And outside of a few traditions that I really wanted/didn’t want, I didn’t have strong preferences for a wedding either.

    5. I was harrumphing through the whole process. I wanted to get married and am glad I did, but the wedding-industrial complex makes me nauseous. You are not alone! I think in fact that more of us feel this way than is evident, because there’s pressure to support those who do want to make a big deal of everything and have been dreaming of it all their lives. I want everyone to do what makes them happy, but at times I felt like my preferences weren’t understood or respected. For example, somebody recommended A Practical Wedding to me, and even that struck my taste as incredibly fussy and overdone.

    6. Nope not weird. Just like any other interest, some people are also into it, some people could care less. I’ve personally gotten more into it as my close friends have been getting married / I get closer myself but it definitely varies by individual.

    7. Recently got married. Friends and family were borderline *offended* that I didn’t spend every moment of my engagement planning my wedding. My husband and I are pretty private, laid back, low-key people, and we really wanted our wedding (and wedding budget) to reflect that. Having an over-the-top wedding would have been so out of character to me.
      To their credit, I think people wanted to be included, involved, etc, but the wedding was so simple there simply wasn’t a lot to ask for help with. I got the sense that people wanted me to have an elaborate wedding so that they could enjoy the process of wedding planning with me.

    9. Not weird. Never thought about my ideal ring, my FI picked it out all on his own with no input from me and did a wonderful job. Had about a year and a half engagement but didn’t stress at all. Probably spent 2 weeks totally wedding planning if you added up all the hours. So maybe 80 hours tops. Just pick good vendors, don’t worry about the details. I wanted a fun party but don’t actually care about weddings, being the greatest day ever, etc. Honestly I think people that get really into being “the bride” don’t have other achievements in their lives. Any idiot or scumbag can be a bride or groom. The important thing is finding the right person for you, and its great to celebrate with family and friends if that’s what you want. But everyone needs to get over the “its myyy day” complex.

      1. I’m in the same boat. I have an opinion about a few things regarding the reception (location, overall feel) but other than that I’ve let my wedding planner do the leg work. No stress and no fighting!

    11. Not weird! I hadn’t thought about it at all until we went engagement ring shopping.

      Now that we’re engaged, I’m low-key about wedding plans too. The venue, food, booze, and music have already been picked out (those are our four top priorities), and I’m seriously considering telling our wedding planner to just figure out the rest, because I really don’t care all that much about place cards or flowers. I’m worried I’ll regret it, though, or feel like I missed out on the planning process, so I’m trying to hang in there.

    12. I day dreamed about my engagement ring way more than my wedding! I love looking at rings!

    13. Same here. I didn’t think about it much until I got engaged and had to start planning (and ring, until my husband asked what I wanted and I had to start thinking about it!).

    14. Don’t forget, all of that stuff is totally optional. I don’t have an engagement ring, we got simple wedding bands for our courthouse ceremony, but we don’t wear them on a daily basis, and we only invited parents and siblings to our wedding. If you want to get married, you can literally do it however you want as long as you get a marriage certificate.

    16. Nope. I didn’t look or think about rings until we planned on getting engaged.

      And it was worthwhile, because once I had the rings on my hand I didn’t like what I thought I wanted and love my ring that’s completely different than what I thought I’d get based just on pictures.

  15. When is a good time to adopt an anti aging skincare regimen? I’m quite young, but I think a fair bit about aging well (using sunscreen all the time, etc). Should I wait until wrinkles start developing or is it best to preempt that?

    1. My derm told me the best thing to for anti-aging at this point is to wear sunscreen every day. Also you might think about wearing sunscreen on your neck and not just your face.

      2. Totally agree with this. This is the kind of recommendation that should be passed on from mothers to daughters.

        Sunburns and heavy tanning in your teens (!) will even come back to haunt you later in life, especially if you are fair skinned.

        I started staying out of the sun when I was 22. No more tanning/sunburns. But I’m sorry I delayed wearing daily sunscreen on my face for many years.

        It is ideal to wear daily sunscreen (at least SPF 15, but even higher is better) on your face, neck, decollatage and back of your hands. Those are the places that show age first. Also, sunglasses always. No squinting!

        I’m 44 and my skin has done well, but I am kicking myself that I wasn’t using sunscreen on my decollatage as well all those years. oops…

    2. At age 10. Seriously never too early and the sooner you start taking care if your skin the better.

    3. Agree with Wildkitten – sunscreen daily, on face, neck, and decolletage; I started using a moisturizer with sunscreen in high school. Also sunglasses any time you’re outside – less squinting = fewer wrinkles later.

    4. Sunscreen and perhaps some standard moisturizer after cleansing, along with hydration and getting enough vitamins, are almost never a bad idea. But I think most of the cosmetics branded as “anti-aging” are bunk. Everyone gets wrinkles eventually, unless you intend to get enough work done to look like Joan Rivers.

    5. It depends on your skin type and genetics. I will probably see my first small wrinkles around the age of 50 so I do not use anti-wrinkle creams, but I still wear sunscreen every day and I use a resurfacing cream with 15% glycolic acid for several months (alternate with a regular cream).

    6. I think a good sunscreen and moisturizer are key. I’m not entirely convinced other creams and whatnot do much of anything over and above that, but others may have had different experiences. My genetics and skin are such that I will most likely avoid fine wrinkles entirely, but later end up with big crevasses from nose to mouth and in some other spots; probably not much I can do about that with creams.

  16. Quick question for parents in DC. Newly pregnant, live in the District, work for the federal government. There are no childcare facilities at my particular place of work. I’d like to get on the waitlist for infant childcare centers at other federal agencies. How many waitlists would you get on? All of them? The ones that are the most convenient? The top 1-2 choices?

    Also, any that are more/less competitive than others?

    I’m asking friends and tentatively trying to check out DCUM, but I’d love any advice from the ladies here.

    1. DCUM is a scary place…. take everything you hear there with a grain of salt! (No real advice about daycares as we moved here when the kids were older, but I bet others here know more than me).

      1. +1. Our child just got a spot at a BH at an agency (not one where we have priority), after 12 months on the waitlist. I was totally shocked to get the call. We have friends who have been on waitlists for 3+ years. So do think about back up plans, but know that sometimes all the stars align! Congrats and good luck!

    3. No kids but my hubs is a fed and I think I remember reading that one of his EAP benefits included assistance with childcare placement. Not sure what that all means but it is worth looking into.

    4. We got on about 10 lists at centers downtown and also near our house in the suburbs, starting in my first trimester. We got space in 2, one being at my husbands agency where he has priority. The space at that center was available way too late for us, though. If that had been our only option we would have needed a nanny to bridge the gap.

    5. Thanks, all. This is what I suspected….get on all the lists, now. Sigh. Will also check with HR. And yes, I am treading cautiously when on DCUM :)

      1. This is Anon from above. I found DCUM to be helpful in making the final decision to choose our daycare. I couldn’t find any posts complaining about our center and there were several posts praising it. If the crazies at DCUM couldn’t find anything to complain about, I knew if must be a good center. :)

  17. Does anyone have any experience with Tsubo boots? I’m eyeing a pair or two on 6pm and would love some input before I buy. The review structure on 6pm sort of sucks.
    TIA!

    1. I don’t have boots but I love the TSUBO brand of shoes that are a 4 inch or so mary jane type shoe. Super comfortable and I don’t even like heels that much. But their pump didn’t work for me.

    2. I have a pair of booties (the Myla) that’s very comfortable and seems well made. Bought and only worn last season. No idea about boots though.

      1. I have those as well. Comfortable and have held up well. Not formal enough for where I work, so it’s purely a weekend shoe for me

    3. Have the shoes, not boots. My experience is that they are very comfortable, hold up well and the sizing is consistent with Stuart Weitzman, Merrell, DVF and Anne Klein. If the Tsubo styles were more traditional, I would have a closet full of them.

  18. Just wanted to thank you ladies for all your advice re: dating a cocky guy. While I think it’s too soon to make any drastic decisions, you gave me lot of useful questions to ask myself going forward and, I think most importantly, reminded me that it’s okay if this trait ends up being a deal breaker for me. Relationships are about compatabilty, not determining who’s objectively right – thanks for the reminder!

  19. With all the wedding talk here today hope no one minds if I add one more…

    My parents have graciously offered to pay for our wedding. I am very appreciative, but am thinking of saying no. (FWIW, they can afford to pay, but so can we. I realize we are very lucky.)

    I’m concerned that if I decline they’ll be offended and view it as cutting them out of the wedding process and the life fiancé and I are building. I also get the sense that this is genuinely something they want to do for me/us. At the same time, even if they’re not paying, they are still my parents and would still want to be involved, so it’s not like paying ourselves eliminates the drama.

    The main reason to pay ourselves would be to stop feeling guilty about having them spend so much on us. It’s insane enough to spend so much money on one day – and so it feels like if I’m going to spend my money, fine, but I shouldn’t spend theirs on something so frivolous. The guilt is turning me into a crazy lady (and while I realize I am totally the one who is overreacting and being crazy, it doesn’t make me any less stressed about it). They have not put any restrictions on us or tried to use the fact that they’re paying to impose rules, conditions, etc.

    Anyone done this? Should I just grow up and – if they want to do something nice – let them? Or grow up and do what we want, pay for it ourselves, and not worry of they’re hurt/offended?

    1. Hmm. There are a couple of things here:

      1. Are you concerned about being independent above all, so that you want to pay for the whole thing yourselves because you want to be independent?
      2. Are you worried that your parents will put strings on it later?
      3. Do you think your parents can’t afford it?

      If none of the above, then I would say yes to having them pay for it. If they can afford it, they want to give you this gift because you are their daughter and they want to give you a lovely wedding, and they’re not going to put strings on it, go ahead and accept it and don’t feel guilty. My parents paid for our wedding and we were very grateful, but not guilty at all.

      You could also offer to split the cost with them, if the independence concern above is very strong.

      1. This is great advice. I feel some guilt over my parents funding our wedding but manage it by being quite modest our planning (doing our own flowers, only people we love on the guest list, reasonably priced dress and photographer). They are fairly low maintenance though, happy to write checks and enjoy a beautiful day without a lot of input in the planning process. If I had a sense that they were going to try and use the money to exert some control, we would have eloped.

    2. You have lots of options here to alleviate your guilt:

      1. Allow them to pay but keep the wedding relatively modest.
      2. Counter-propose that they pay for a few big-ticket items instead of the entire thing.
      3. Allow them to pay, go all-out on the lavishness, but give them a lavish gift (e.g., a vacation) as a thank-you.

      But if you truly feel that their offer is out of the goodness of their hearts and doesn’t come with any strings – and you’re SURE they have the means to do it – I’d probably just let them pay. It is for their benefit as it makes them feel good to do it.

    3. Maybe suggest that if they really want to contribute, you’re very grateful, but you want to feel like a “grown-up” and pay for your own wedding, so maybe they could pay for the honeymoon instead? That way it’ll feel like it’s really a pure gift instead of them stepping in and “taking care” of your wedding. A little self-deprecation about wanting to be an “real adult” might help.

    4. Along the lines of Diana Barry,I would basically tell my parents my concerns-we so appreciate your offer, but don’t feel comfortable with having you pay all the costs. It’s an incredibly generous offer and we are so grateful. It would be fantastic if you and dad could cover the costs of (my gown, flowers, photography) etc etc. If needed, you can also throw in that you feel you are financially stable to cover the cost now, but there may come another time in your life when you need their financial assistance, so this approach is best in your opinion. This way, they know that you know they are there to help if you need them too. My husband and I saved and paid for most of our own wedding-our parents kicked in with a flat $$ contribution and we were very grateful but also glad that we had a budget and plan to cover most of the costs ourselves. Congratulations!

    5. One set of parents was offended when we declined their generous offer to pay for the wedding (we’re a bit more established, wanted to pay for it ourselves, knew we’d be having a small, inexpensive wedding, and were worried about how the other side of the family would feel about their inability to pay), but we told them that we appreciated their offer and if they wanted to gift us the money, we would gladly consider it a gift toward the down-payment of a home.

      If I had it to do over again, I probably would have just accepted their offer to pay because it ended up being a source of contension between all of us. And I’m not sure the message we were trying to convey ever got through.

    6. I think you have had great advice already on whether or not to accept.

      I’d just add that wedding budgets have a way of expanding, and if you do decide to accept their offer, I strongly urge you to structure it as a gift of a certain amount of money, to be used to pay for the wedding. Otherwise you will find yourselves all entangled about shrimp cocktail vs. hothouse roses vs. string quartet, and they may find that weddings are far more expensive than they thought, and everything will be a discussion if not a negotiation. Much cleaner to just take a check, if you can, to pay for the wedding you choose. And if what you choose goes over budget, you can make up the difference yourselves.

      In the alternative, if they are not into that, then I think letting them pay for the wedding means letting them host the wedding of THEIR choice (with input from you), and you will need to be okay with that.

      1. yes, yes, yes

        when we married 20 years ago, my inlaws wanted to pay for some things and were shocked that I wanted roses not carnations, beef not chicken, and so on.

        it would have been easier to say, thank you for X, we are going to put it towards dinner, decorations and Dj, then make all the decisions ourself, and make up any difference. In the end we basically did that, and it still hurts my feelings that they think I was a spendthrift, they thought my parents were cheap for not paying anything (my folks could not afford to) and I feel my inlaws just wanted to show off to the relatives…see, 20 years later, I still can’t let go of it, lol

        in the end, my hubs said forget it, we will pay for everything, make our own decisions and at the very end, they gifted us some money…of course, I was 23 at the time and didnt think I could/should stand up to them…maybe I need a therapist to get over this, LOL

      2. OP here – and I think this is it exactly. I had initially thought we might accept the money with the understanding that it meant hosting the wedding of their choice (though they would presumably want to choose things that kept us happy). Instead, they refuse to have an opinion on anything – the only thing they keep repeating is that “this is your wedding and you should do what you want.” That’s incredibly wonderful of them and I’m grateful, but it stresses me out because it feels like I then have to magically divine what would or would not be okay, instead of them just clearly expressing an opinion when they have one. (And I don’t mean stupid things where they legitimately might not care. I mean the kind of things where I can tell they’re not happy about it because I can see their reaction, but they just say “do whatever you want” instead of explaining what it is that’s upsetting them.)

        I also realize that I sound like the biggest, most spoiled brat when I write this. But I really am trying to be considerate of their feelings and their desires, and I can’t do that if they don’t tell me what they are. (okay, vent over :-))

        Anyway, thanks all – very helpful advice from everyone!

        1. You are very kind to be considering their feelings, but if they say they want you to have the wedding that you want then take them at their word and count your lucky stars. I’ve seen so many weddings where the parents/mother of the bride want to make it the wedding of their dreams (I often think because their mothers planned their wedding and they feel it is finally their chance to call the shots) and it ends up causing a huge amount of friction.

        2. Gah. That sounds horrible. Sounds like they are being all passive-aggressive. Under the circumstances you describe, I vote “pay for it yourself.”

    7. I was in your shoes. I accepted their offer but we’re paying for certain items ourselves. We’re paying for the DJ, photographer, little things like escort cards/guest book/etc. They paid for the venue (includes food + drink + almost everything), transportation that day, flowers, a few honeymoon expenses (using points, etc) and flowers.

      They are so happy to be able to do this for me & my SO, and are super excited. They rarely throw parties/have guests over to our home, so being able to throw this big event for all of their friends and family is genuinely exciting to them, and they see it as a once in a lifetime opportunity.

      And yet, I still feel guilty regularly. I kind of feel like they have already done so much for me, and this is one more amazingly generous thing they’re doing and I feel bad accepting it.

      No real advice, just that I understand.

    8. Suggest that they pay for one key item, like your dress or the photography.

  20. I’m interested in moving back to city that I left about a year and a half ago. I left a job that I really liked for family/personal reasons that have quickly become nonexistent. I got along really well with my old boss and have sent him one email over the last year and a half just keeping in touch/catching up. I know another associate in our group just left and that they are looking for a replacement. What’s the best way to reach back out to him and let him know I would be interested in going back to firm? Do I call? Email? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Call or email seems fine – I’d just do whatever is fastest. I be he’ll be excited and better to say something before the firm gets too far into recruiting someone else.

    2. If you worked with him and got along with him, you may already know his preferred mode of communication. If’ he’s a phone person, call; if he’s an email person, email. I agree you should quickly take advantage of this opportunity. One of my co-workers left for a grass-is-greener position and came back to the company (at a higher level, too) within a year. The grass wasn’t really greener, and his old department’s workload had expanded significantly in that time. Win-win.

    3. Agree with others. Do whatever is the best way to contact him, and do it asap.

      It’s very exciting to know you can fill an open position with someone you know AND save the hiring hassle.

      FYI, based on my experience with a state funded agency: They may have to still have a full hire process with other applicants, etc, but if they know what they are doing they can write the job description for you to give you the best end score.

  21. Since it’s wedding day here, I’m curious about why you decided to get married, especially if you and your SO don’t want to have children. My boyfriend and I are pretty firmly no-kids-for-us, but I do want to get married someday. He, on the other hand, doesn’t see the point of it. What do you all think?

    1. Because I value the spiritual commitment of the vows. And because actually I’d quite like all of the benefits of societal/governmental recognition of my relationship.

    2. Marriage is a very useful contract to divide property in the event it ends either through divorce or to ensure you are both taken care of in the event of death.

      1. Just make sure you know what the divorce laws are in your state, and that the default legal division of property/support laws are acceptable to you. If you are the high earner, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise, in which case foregoing marriage or having a prenup may be the best course of action.

        I have been thinking that in the alternate universe in which I were to marry again, it would be solely for the societal benefits — the “publicly choosing to be partners” thing. But honestly, at this stage of the game I want my son to inherit, I have no interest in any spousal support flowing either way, and I trust my son more than my hypothetical Johnny-come-lately husband to make end-of-life medical decisions, too! So my prenup would say “both parties expressly disavow any and all of the legal rights and obligations of marriage.” LOL

        1. A way around this is to make your son a co-owner of any property or accounts you want him to inherit (depending on the state, of course). My mother set up her assets this way, largely in order to keep my deadbeat step-siblings from squandering what she’d worked so hard for.

          1. Yes, he’s the beneficiary on all the accounts for which it’s possible to designate a beneficiary. I should probably look into putting the house in a trust.

            Shockingly enough, when I tried to change the beneficiary designation on my retirement accounts while my divorce was pending, I discovered I couldn’t do it without my spouse’s written permission. Even for the one account that predated the marriage and was quite clearly separate property. Grrr…

          2. That’s annoying, but makes sense, with the way retirement accounts are treated as joint property. My mother made all the changes to her accounts before this marriage, and avoided all of that. Could you make the changes after the divorce went through?

          4. Baconpancakes, I’m not a lawyer, but if your mother has ERISA retirement accounts (defined benefit pension and/or 401k), she presumably needs to have her spouse sign a spousal waiver to extinguish his rights to the benefits, even though she specifically named other beneficiaries prior to the marriage – I believe that without the spousal waiver, ERISA defaults to the spouse getting the retirement assets .

    3. We have a kid now, but we got married unsure of whether we would have them. I thought it was a pretty powerful, beautiful thing to publicly choose each other as partners for life. We never considered not doing it. (We had a very low-key wedding, though.)

    4. I think a marriage creates a third entity that is separate from the two of you in a way that few non-official commitments can replicate. When you make vows to someone, you’re putting something ahead of you in an emotionally, legally, spiritually (if you believe in it) binding way. So a marriage isn’t technically necessary to have a great relationship and stay together, but it certainly helps squash some of the selfishness that might otherwise break up a relationship. It puts more on the line, I guess, when you’re cheating or holding a grudge in a fight or leaving your spouse when you’ve promised, usually in front of other people, not to do those things.

      Otherwise, if you’re planning on staying together, why NOT get married? The only reason I can see is to keep yourself separate, and make it easier to end the relationship later.

    5. I don’t want kids either, and for me marriage is more committed than any other state of being. It’s becoming a team/unit rather than a couple of individuals. I think you try harder to make things work and stay together once you commit that way. That’s why I’d do it.

    6. BF and I are coming up on 11 years together and still haven’t gotten around to the whole getting married thing, in part because we haven’t seen the need (also no plans for kids) and it actually would increase what we pay in taxes. I’ve decided we should probably get married before we buy a house, because like wildkitten said, marriage is a useful contract for dividing property if needed (though Senior Attorney has a point-make sure you like your state’s default laws). There are other useful legal protections (though I suppose you could achieve most of them with contracts, if you wanted.) As you can probably tell, I’m not the most romantic or sentimental person.

  22. Anyone here from Pittsburgh? The boyfriend and I are leaving tomorrow to go there, just for a long weekend. We have things to do (Warhol museum, Fallingwater, the Incline) but haven’t been able to scare up much as far as fun places to eat go. Any recommendations?

    Have to run off to some meetings, so I probably won’t check back in until later this afternoon. Thanks in advance!

    1. Church Brew Works is awesome. Primanti bros sandwiches. Take an incline up Mt. Washington.

      I hear there are great bars on the south side, Oakland, and the strip district, but I didn’t make it to those on my trip.

    2. Late to the party, but you can hit Station Square and a restaurant there (it’s near the incline). Fatheads is on the South Side, it’s a restaurant/bar with a huge menu of mostly enormous sandwiches, salads, and burgers. Mallorca is a Spanish restaurant near the Birmingham Bridge on the South Side. The Strip District is a really interesting place for foodies; there are tons of ethnic shops. DeLuca’s is an older style diner in the Strip with good breakfast; Lidia’s in the Strip is also popular. Note none of these are fancy restaurants.

      There are several good options Downtown in Market Square – Sienna Sulla Piazza and NOLA are two of the best.

      Here’s some random places/things to do:
      Ross Park Mall outside of town is the best upscale shopping all in one place. If you’re at all into architecture, there are some really interesting buildings downtown and in Oakland. PNC Park is great, but the Pirates aren’t in town this weekend. Phipps and the Carnegie Museums are also popular. If you want to do a tourist thing, catch a Just Ducky Tour; they drive the streets in one of those WWII land/amphibious vehicles and then take it straight into the water. The Gateway Clipper Fleet has some nice river cruises. Kennywood has some great roller coasters if you’re into amusement parks.

  23. Related to the anti-aging regime question… what are all these daily sunscreens people are using/liking? Any brands stand out? I’m sure I’m like everyone else, but I can’t stand that oily sunscreen feel. Any suggestions on something that’s more like a moisturizer?

Comments are closed.