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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
How would you style red ankle pants for a business casual (tending towards professional) workplace?
Anonymous
Leopard heels.
PolyD
Maybe also a shirt.
Anonymous
why? /s
AIMS
Camel or gray sweater OR a white button down + longish cardigan in gray/camel and loafers/oxfords.
For a more casual look, I would pair with a chambray button down shirt. I also can see it paired with some kind of leopard or snakeskin accent (both seem to be very in this fall) but I think red + animal print might be a bit much for some people (or simply a little on the nose and thus not super modern).
lsw
I wear red pants a lot. I like the look of blue and red – I do navy and lighter shades as well. I have a lavender silk shirt that looks good with a particular pair I have (I think it would depend on the shade of the pants).
anon a mouse
I love pale pink with red.
Anonome
I love red with gray for the office, particularly gray booties. I also have a pair of brown snakeskin heels that work great with warm-toned reds, because the brown leans towards oxblood. I find cool-toned reds harder to style.
pugsnbourbon
Love red + gray and also red + cream or ivory.
Anon
Black and white on top. I wouldn’t do a solid black but a black/white print top and maybe a gray jacket or cardigan.
Housecounsel
Now I want some red work pants.
Anon
Any armchair psychologists out there? How do you deal with the days when you’re feeling extra irritable? For the last couple of days, everything has been irritating me – I just saw someone on the street wearing a crazy outfit and for some reason even that irritated me. I don’t actually care what that person was wearing and it doesn’t impact me at all, so why did it bother me? The issue is clearly me. How do I manage myself right now?
thehungryaccountant
Depending on the level of irritability, I would either go for an activity that wears you out (intense workout/deep clean your house) or something that relaxes you (bath, yoga, walk in the park).
I can become irritable because of high energy or low energy. I try to think about how I’ve been feeling in the days leading up and treat myself accordingly. If this happens often, you might want to check your blood/hormone levels. It could be a vitamin deficiency or due to a change in hormones.
Telco Lady JD
Irritability is a sign of anxiety for me. The best way for me to combat that in the short term is more sleep. Longer term…I also take Lexapro and go to therapy.
I’m not saying that you’re anxious and need to do these things…but keep an eye out for other symptoms that might be sneaking up on you. Regardless…I find that a snack, a shower, and a nap solves a lot for me. :-)
Anon-in-House
+1. Irritability is my #1 anxiety symptom.
Anon
Can you pinpoint a cause? I’m always irritable for a few days before my period (yes, cliche, but true). Knowing the cause helps me manage it, and also alleviates my worry that this is just who I am now. If you’re finding yourself irritable all the time, or randomly without an identifiable cause, then I’d be more concerned about it.
Anon
Is the irritability a sign that you need to make a change of some sort? Personally, I was feeling very irritable last year and realized that it was triggered by my job. I moved to a new company and am doing much better.
FWIW, I also have GAD and am on an SSRI and see a therapist regularly. When I was having irritability despite all of that, I realized something needed to happen.
Miss
I get extra irritable when I’m tired, hungry, or about to get a migraine attack. If it’s the latter two, I do what I can to take care of it.
If I’m irritable and it is because of something I can’t readily change, I try to practice what I call “radical empathy.” Basically I try to view whoever is irritating me in the warmest light possible. Instead of internally ranting, I come up with explanations and try to see it from their perspective. Maybe that guy who just cut me off in traffic is on his way to the hospital, etc. It makes me feel better about the world and gradually I feel calmer and less irritable.
anon
B vitamins. Not sure if it really works, but it at least has a placebo effect for me.
Anonymous
For me, this happens when I’m feeling overwhelmed and/or sleep deprived. It’s like I have an emotional sun burn. Any little thing will bother me, including things I wouldn’t otherwise notice.
Fixes – treat yourself well. Drink lots of water. Go to bed REALLY early – as soon as you finish dinner, brush your teeth and get in bed with a good book. Exercise. Eat lots of veggies; personally if I overdo it on sugar/carbs/takeout, I just feel worse. And limit interacting with people for the day. When you have to talk to people. slow down and breathe and be cognizant of tone. Also be extra careful about emails – don’t send off anything without reading it carefully and inserting some too-nice-to-you-sounding language.
Anonymous
Yes, to your first line, and I LOVE the emotional sunburn concept. That captures it perfectly.
Anonome
When I’m irritable, it’s because I’ve been around people too much. I need a LOT more alone time than the average person. I eat lunch in my car (for a quick fix), or ask my husband to go out with his buddies for the evening and leave me the house (for a medium fix). If I’m super cranked, I need an entire weekend of isolation with a movie binge and a cat on my lap.
lsw
I was surprised to learn it’s a common symptom of depression. I’ve been in talk therapy for a few years, kick-started by prenatal depression when I was pregnant with my son, but recently my irritation escalated to the point where I asked for more help. I started Wellbutrin and it has been extremely helpful. I also take 1-2 Ativan a month when I have a particularly high level of irritation (usually around my period). I would honestly not have put that together except for the feedback of people on this messageboard but it has been life-changing for me!
January
Does the extreme irritability recur monthly? If so, you might look into PMDD and see whether the description fits (medication can work wonders for this condition).
anon
I’m like this too. Things that have helped me – very intensive exercise (so not yoga but a very hard bike ride that gets my heart rate way up) and daily magnesium supplements (to help address underlying anxiety and hormonal imbalance). I also really try to catch myself and think about how I’m the common denominator in the the irritability and annoyance I’m feeling with those around me. So it’s a me problem and I should work on it. I haven’t quite figured it out but this helps.
Coatmaking
A question for the experienced sewists here. I would like to make myself a wrap coat. My previous experience sewing clothing is limited to simple kids’ garments and Halloween costumes; the most complicated thing I’ve ever made was an Eliza Schuyler dress. Sleeves are my nemesis. I picked out a relatively simple pattern, but in poking around on line for additional resources, I have concluded that the pattern instructions are not likely to be sufficient. Can anyone point me to the best resources for coat construction and fitting—books, blogs, videos, etc.? I do plan to start with a muslin in a fabric of appropriate weight.
anonymouse
Not an experienced sewist for sleeves. That being said, you may want to dig around on Gertie’s blog for Better Sewing. Google her Coat Sew Along (from 2012 I believe). Her style is 1950s but she breaks down a great many clothing items and explains construction. I hope it helps give you confidence!
Good luck on your project!
Anonymous
Is sewist a new word?
My mom sews but I’ve never heard her use this term before.
Anon
It’s a made up word that’s a portmanteau of sew and artist. The actual word for someone who sews is a sewer or seamstress, but people don’t like sewer because it has the same spelling as the thing your toilets drain into. And seamstress is gendered and implies you do it professionally, not just for fun.
anon a mouse
Sewist is a gender-neutral term, instead of seamstress.
I like the Vogue reference book. If you know the pattern, there may be specific tutorials online. Is there a sewing shop near you? It might be worth it to take 1-2 private lessons for your muslin so you can ask questions and learn directly.
Anonome
I believe “sewist” is intended to sound more gender-neutral than “seamstress”.
Anonymous
Ha — my mother is so old and old-school that if you ask her a term for someone who sews she might say “woman” or “housewife” (even though my mom worked, she went to school when women took home economics, even in college where you could major in it).
Of course I can sew, but it is a lot of work to do well and good fabric is expensive. She is a pattern-maker, not a draper, for what it’s worth.
Sutemi
When writing, the first connotation of sewer for most people is a pipe that excreta flows through. Sewist avoids this problem.
BB
+1 to Gertie’s blog for her coat sew along from a while ago. It’s totally not my style, but her tips are good. In general, I’d say coats can be kind of tricky. I’m pretty experienced and I’m on my 3rd coat which I finally feel doesn’t have any huge issues. And that kind of sucks because coats require so much fabric and time so it doesn’t feel great when it doesn’t work out. If you’re doing a super simple wrap, you might be okay – maybe you could even find one with dolman/raglan sleeves and you won’t have to set-in sleeves (which is legit difficult). The other thing to be aware of is underlining. I screwed up 1 coat and 1 jacket by not thinking about this and they both came out looking oddly floppy and wrinkly. For my current one (fingers crossed!) I used a heavy felt-like wool and underlined it with silk organza. Anyway, that’s some random thoughts. This reminds me that I need to go hem my current one!
BB
Also on the sleeves specifically, I swear I’ve read like 20 “tips and tricks” for setting in sleeves and NOTHING has helped except just doing it over and over. At some point, you get much better at fiddling with the ease and knowing what looks good and what’s going to end up as a random pleat.
Mpls
+1 – practice is the thing. And thicker fabric that you use for a coat is going to change what the experience is like vs the thinner fabric used for non-outerwear. Also +1 to the Vogue and DK Complete Book of Sewing as good all around reference guides
Re pattern instructions – they are always pretty thin, because they assume you know the techniques and are basically just giving you the order of construction.
Mpls
DK Book: https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Book-Sewing-New/dp/0789496585
Vogue Sewing: https://www.amazon.com/Sewing-Revised-Updated-Knitting-Magazine/dp/1933027002
Lots to Learn
I’m in awe that so many of you are such good sewists! I am piggybacking on this question to ask this: I am by no means great with the sewing machine, but I can do a simple hem or Halloween costume. Is it going to be tricky to remove the seam(s) to taper the legs on straight-legged pants to make them skinnies? Seems like it should be straightforward, but maybe I’m missing something… Same question regarding shortening the hem of a shirt.
BB
The issue you might have with the pants is the drape sometimes changes if you change the seam lines. I would probably do lots of pins (or even hand baste with long stitches) on the line you want and try them on to see if it changes anything. Hem of a shirt is usually pretty easy, but the complication you may run into is if the hem flares out, you have to ease the hem into its new line. If it’s a totally straight hem, you’re fine.
MagicUnicorn
I have made many wider leg and boot cuts into skinnies by first turning them inside out, letting the hem down, laying them on a pair of well-fitting and already-skinny pants with similar stretch, pinning the legs to the intended shape (some need the inseam pinned as well, particularly below the calf), trying them on still in their inside out form (and stabbing myself with the pins a zillion times), adjusting the pins as much as needed, basting the new seam, trying them on again (usually inside out and again inside in), cutting the excess fabric off the new seams, finishing the cut edges (handsewing a blanket stitch is my usual method), then finally pinning/trying on/sewing the new hem.
OP
Very helpful – thank you!
Anon
Everyone hates sleeves. That’s why strapless wedding dresses became popular. Not because of demand but because of supply. It’s cheaper for the big wedding dress houses to make, and because wedding dresses are usually tailored, sleeveless makes the tailoring much easier and more economical.
Sober
Is anyone here in recovery? I’m 10 days sober and looking around (online) for others who understand. I haven’t summoned the courage to attend AA yet. I am a mother of two young kids, have a big job, and most people in my life probably wouldn’t believe how bad my drinking has been. It’s always been an issue but has gotten progressively worse over the last couple years. I need to stop.
One note: I know there has been some debate here about “mommy wine culture.” I am a mom and I drink way too much wine, but this isn’t that. I’m not on social media, am never up to date on memes, and do 95% of my drinking alone (in secret, as a matter of fact). I have a drinking problem. Full stop.
Just wondering if there are others in this group that have been there and have any good resources to recommend. Thanks.
Anon
I’m not addicted to alcohol or in AA, but I did want to reply to send hugs and support. My mom was an active alcoholic my entire life. I started going to Al Anon as an adult. Fist bumps to you. I love the twelve steps. They probably saved my life.
Telco Lady JD
No recommendations…just good thoughts and luck being sent your way.
Anon
r/stopdrinking is awesome and there are more women on there than I initially thought.
I will not drink with you today.
Parfait
+1. Coming up on 1,000 days with the help of that subreddit plus my therapist.
anon
No answer to your question. But…
I would encourage to drop in on an AA meeting. When I’ve gone, there are people there at all stages, from the 20 year chip, yes, to the woman who shows up drunk, but keeps showing up. It’s not what you see on tv- its a program for people with a problem, not people who have already soved their problem. And finding other people to share with can be the best part, which sounds like exactly what you’re looking for.
Anon
A couple of resources- Annie Grace (This Naked Mind)- website, podcasts, books, etc; Laura McKowen- website, books; Holly Whitaker at Hip Sobriety; the subreddit StopDrinking (for when you need just one person to say that I will not drink with you today). Be kind to yourself as you navigate this path.
Parfait
+ another one for Annie Grace’s book.
Not a Pharma Rep
Yes! Right at 20 months sober, and so much about your situation resonates with me — no kids, but big stressful job, very alcohol-friendly work culture, high-functioning/high-performer, and no one I work with would ever have guessed that I had a real problem.
AA was not for me — YMMV, one of my best friends still goes to weekly meetings after 9 years — but the three things that made a huge difference for me were 1) my husband quit drinking at the same time (long story!) and 2) a really awesome therapist who I started seeing 6 months later and 3) thinking about all the people I knew who didn’t drink and still managed to have fun and build careers and do all the other things I thought I couldn’t do without alcohol.
The first weeks are the hardest, but I promise it gets so much better over time as your brain rewires itself and you begin to rediscover yourself in a new context. I experienced so much anger and grief and, honestly, feeling like I had lost my self, because alcohol had been such a completely integral part of my professional persona and my stress management and family management, et al.
The most important thing is having someone you can talk to who will understand all the weird, small moments that come with transitioning to a life without alcohol — because it is a transition. Hang in there — this Internet stranger is here to promise you that life is better on the other side and will be sending you a lot of love and affirmation for the days ahead.
Go for it
You, internet friend, are on what the author Anne LaMott calls step 0, aka This sh** has got to stop. Good for reaching out.
I’m not in the beverage club AA; however I’m in Alanon for decades, family members were active in my childhood and hefty problems resulted.
Look online, get thyself to a woman’s AA meeting in another county (anonymous!).
It is one hour of your life, and in my experience, a life changing one.
Please keep us posted~ we cheer here!
LittleBigLaw
All the internet hugs to you. This is a big step for you and your children. Rooting for you in the days/weeks/months ahead.
Anonymous
I’ve been to a few AA meetings (to observe, I rarely drink). It’s really non judgemental and chill. More males than females. You don’t have to talk or share. Everyone is very supportive if you do though.
Trish
Yes. I am an attorney and have been sober with the help of AA for 23 years. There is no reason to try to do this alone. Walk through the AA door and you will find relief. I promise.
CPA Lady
Me. I’ve been sober about 16 months now. I’ve used both AA and non AA methods. If you want to chat you can email me at cpalady1234 at g mail dot com. I have a little kid too and I really loved Dana Bowman’s book Bottled, which talks about her getting sober as a mom of young kids.
Anon
I had a relative who struggled with addiction and did not click with AA because of the religious elements (he felt like he could never fully buy in to the programs and found the praying/Jesus-based testimonies isolating because “you need god to get through this” isn’t the most productive sentiment to an atheist). I just want to let you know that if that’s a sticking point for you, there are lots of secular resources and groups like SAMHSA and Secular AA.
Anon
Other resources: unpickled blog; the bubble hour podcast
Mom of Sober Son
Get yourself to a meeting asap – you’ll find support and resources. Acknowledging the problem and stopping on your own are HUGE and commendable. Wishing you much strength ahead.
Diana Barry
FWIW I ordered this dress and sent it back. If you are more of an hourglass shape or pear it might work – I have a straighter figure and the waist was a little tighter than most other Boden dresses, while the hip area was bigger, and I didn’t want to keep it since I knew I wouldn’t get it tailored. The waist sits high as per usual with them – I ordered a regular instead of a tall this time, not sure if the tall would have a longer shoulder-to-waist measurement (you could call them and ask).
Junior Associate
Thanks for the heads up! *deletes item from cart*
Diana Barry
Also FWIW, I also got the Emily and the Jessica ponte dresses. I wanted to keep the Celia but it was just like 2 others that I had, but it also fit well.
pugsnbourbon
Ah dang – that Baltic color is *gorgeous*. I might take the risk anyway …
Triangle Pose
Aurelia Ottoman (My OG workhorse work dress) and Polperro Ottoman strike me as better cut. But I’m petite and get petite sizing so might also be fit.
Anon
I might have an older season version of this dress. It looks gorgeous and has a thick but almost sweatery fabric.
Be warned – it highlights a tummy bump (in my case leftover baby belly) quite well. I kept it (greedy, thought it would get ok or I would be able to camouflage it by breathing in!) and it works on weeks I am not too bloated, but it’s not that flattering.
Most Boden dresses especially with a bit of gathers near the waist work for me, but not this one.
Frivolous Question
Is it time to throw out my Theory suit jacket?
I have a Theory Gabe II blazer I bought in 2013. It was one of my few suiting pieces constantly in rotation when I started Biglaw in 2013 and I probably wore it 2-3x/week for a few years.
The sleeves have become shiny and after the umpteenth dry cleaning session there are slight gray streaks in the front crease that I cannot get out. I can’t imagine where they came from but maybe it’s normal wear and tear and I just need to replace it? I’ve been holding back because it fits very well and I’ve heard the new Theory clothing materials are a bit iffy (but even more expensive than before).
Black and gray are my usual color palettes, with a bit of pink, navy, stone, and burgundy mixed in depending on the season. In the fall/winter I go for various tweed jackets on Banana Republic. My go-to is a 30+ year old black Jones New York ponte sheth dress with a square neckline that my mother wore when she worked a desk job in her 20s, so probably time to shop for a replacement for this as well…
Thoughts? I’m being too stingy (I buy new clothes to the tune of ~$3000/year, but usually due to weight gain, and then they just never seem to fit quite as well as the basics and blacks)? Recommendations for a basic black sheath dress that’s not too high or low / black jacket?
anne-on
Yes, toss it. It can’t be saved, you’ve gotten your money’s worth. Please also throw out or donate the 30 year old dress.
I was impressed by this dress from Saks – good weight, washable, and looks much nicer than other ponte dresses I’ve tried recently – maybe see if there is something similar in black?
https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/donna-karan-new-york-asymmetrical-three-quarter-sleeve-dress/product/0400011494818?R=795733029687&P_name=Donna+Karan+New+York&Ntt=donna+karan+new+york&N=0
Anon
If you are looking for a workhorse dress that you can wear once a week, that is not it. I personally think the hem is ugly, but even if you like it, it is a very memorable dress.
anne-on
Agreed – I was more recommending the brand. They seem to have some other good basic options if you simply sort by dresses and color.
Anonymous
I agree that it’s time for the suit to go, sadly. Sounds like you had a great run with it!
I disagree about the 30 year old dress – if it looks great on you and is in good condition, keep wearing it!
I know it’s like a broken record on this site, but my favorite dresses are all MM Lafleur. I’ve had some for 3+ years now that I wear almost weekly (it’s my uniform) and they have held up great.
I can’t advise you on suits because my current ones are all Theory circa 2016-2017 and they are going strong!
lsw
I don’t know if this is actually possible, but could you take it to a tailor and ask if they could recreate it? It wouldn’t be cheap, but you would know the quality is high and the fit would be on. I’ve considered doing that with a vintage dress I love but the fabric is yellowing.
Anonymous
Time to give up on the jacket. You can find lots of second hand Theory and Boss (which I think has a similar fit) online. Why don’t you start there for replacements? Don’t toss the dress, buy it some well made friends. Boss has gorgeous dresses as well.
PSA
What does it stand for when it is used on this site? Go*gle search is failing me.
AttiredAttorney
Public Service Announcement?
editor
It’s usually public service announcement, but I’ve never noticed it on this site and may be way off. Does that work, though?
Anonymous
People sometimes do post things like “PSA the going-out blazer is on sale.”
Anon
When I’ve seen it used here, it means public service announcement.
Vicky Austin
Yep, but I think in the vernacular usage, PSA just sort of means A.
Amberwitch
Personale Shopping Advise I think .
Anon
I use this acronym on here, it means Public Service Announcement.
Playing defense in political environment
Do you work in a highly political environment? I do and I have some survival strategies to manage and stay out of the fray….. I stay away from the colleagues that seem to attract drama (there are quite a few unfortunately), I limit conversations about other people – no chattering about others, and I stay positive and a bit humble – no shameless self promotion, and I keep controversial opinions to myself. Basically I keep to myself and do the best job I can. This has been working for me, but I will admit it can be a bit isolating. Feels like I’m always playing defense and watching my back….would like to hear from others….
Anonymous
This is also my strategy, and unfortunately it doesn’t work as well as I’d like. I mostly fly under the radar where controversy is concerned, but I also don’t have the favor of the power players and get overlooked for opportunities. Example: I am a well-trained and highly experienced meeting facilitator. Our VP needed a facilitator for an important meeting and asked my peer who is her personal pet but is horribly nervous in front of a group (so nervous that her voice and hands shake during conference calls) and has never facilitated a big meeting in her life. This VP doesn’t even know that I have the skills she needs because I am not constantly kissing up to her like my peer. I recently volunteered to help VP with an initiative that lines up perfectly with another skill set I have (which her pet also does not have), and got a flat “no.”
Playing defense in political environment
OP here….sorry you are experiencing this. I was in your shoes and moved to a new organization and role where I have much better alignment with the senior leaders. You’re right about keeping your head down to stay out of the fray – but it can work against you because you’re not out kissing up and politicking. If you have smart leaders, they will eventually see through that “kissing up”.
Anony
I’m currently going through the same thing after a regime change in my small, off-site office. The former three managers knew my strengths, weaknesses, skillset, and knowledge. They kept me in the loop and communicated well; as in we’d joke around on our side of the office, were fairly social but not overly personal. They pushed for promotions for me, bonuses, and opportunities.
This new group is totally different – zero management experience, zero leadership ability, and basically in over their head. In all honesty, they should never have been promoted into these roles to begin with but they were all “buddies” with the last group. It’s been nothing but problems and them spreading wrong information because they aren’t up-to-date on our local office policies/procedures, much less the company ones. Instead of asking for help or information, they have multiple discussions behind closed doors, whisper, and are basically forming a VERY tight-knit GOB club (good ole boys).
I’ve managed to FINALLY get through to one of them after a very animated, and at times, heated conversation late last Friday when we were the only two left in the building. I’m waiting to see if there is fall-out from what I told him to see if he’s trustworthy. It’s never a fun position to be in; I prefer under-the-radar as well and just want to keep my head down and work. I may have to change my tactics with this new regime and I’m dreading it. On a positive note, he’s already asked for help on three different things today so hopefully that’s a good sign.
anon
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. At the moment I’m fairly insulated from political drama (good managers do that for their employees), but I’m being thrust into a very political project. I just don’t get why it has to be that why. If something is wrong, someone in charge needs the facts, not a sugarcoated story.
Anon
I work in an environment where we talk about politics a lot, but we all mostly agree. We are highly educated coastal types so you can guess which side we’re on.
Anonymous
Yes, and keeping my head down has backfired spectacularly for me. The colleague with whom I work most closely (we’re peers in closely related functions) is very good at self-promotion and corporate games — not so good at actually getting work done. Knowing that I’m outclassed on the politics front, I’ve never exposed his lapses and have been patient with his dramatics on the theory that people eventually would catch on to him. All of the more junior people who work with us come to me for answers and recognize his limitations, but we’ve had enough turn over at the senior management level that his incompetence never catches up to him. I’m so beaten down by the years of working with him, that I sometimes snap and senior management thinks I’m the bad guy because they don’t have the context. Time to get out!!
Anon
I do- extremely political environment. I’m not sure where I got this concept from, but I consider the politics and the self-promotion as “working.” I am very good at my job, but I’m trying to be better at the “work” part.
The joking and the networking and sucking up are definitely not part of the job but they are definitely part of work and are treated as such.
Anon
Interesting POV…thank you!
Anon
My boyfriend and I rarely meet up for dinner/drinks right after I get off work but today we are to watch his beloved STL Cardinals play. My makeup this morning just isn’t looking it’s…best, and I have a little pimple above my lip and its redness is poking through. I work a couple blocks from a Sephora so I was going to walk there around lunch and (after disinfecting) use some tester products to help the situation. Any tips/ product recs for touching up a pimple with makeup already on? I don’t really break out much at all anymore so I’m caught a little off guard! Thanks ladies!
Anon
If I were you, I’d go to the Nars display, put a tiny dab of the green color correcting primer on it, then use the creamy concealer in the right shade (they have a lot of choices). Then maybe quickly set it with whatever loose powder you can find nearby.
editor
Go Cards!
anon a mouse
Go to a drugstore and pick up some calamine lotion ASAP to dab on it. It will help dry it out and reduce redness.
PolyD
Go to a drugstore and get some anti-inflammatory lotion (cortisone, cort-aid, something like that). Dab a tiny bit on the zit. Then later on dab a tiny bit more.
It’s not a good idea to spread steroids all over your skin, unless advised by your doctor, but a little bit of an OTC anti-inflammatory steroid on a pimple can help a lot.
Anonymous
No help with the makeup, but go Cards (and I say this mainly because I dislike Atlanta with their tomahawk chopping).
JS
For germ reasons I always go with a squeeze tube product because you have no idea who’s been rubbing a doe-foot applicator all over their face. Ice the pimple a bit if you can to get the redness down. Then I’d recommend the It Cosmetics bye bye undereye in a a tube – it’s a great heavy duty concealer that never looks dry or cakey. That, some loose powder applied with a cotton round to set, maybe a touch of cream blush and highlight (like Nudestix stick blush (disinfect the whole end) and Becca shimmering skin perfector liquid), spray some ridiculously expensive dewy face spray like the Tatcha luminous dewy skin mist and you’ll feel a million times better.
Anon
Still not over the previous makeup thread bashing people that wear it. Someone told a person with acne to “wash their face” or use Accutane instead of using makeup, and this convo is bringing it back.
Surprised you got some valid answers instead of that! Makes me feel better about this group.
Ellen
It does not matter. He will be fixated on the TV, not on your pimples. And if the team wins, he will not even notice them if you go home and spend the night with him. Enjoy the game!
Anon
Calling all family law attorneys:
I took on a pro bono case from our local legal aid society for a custody dispute. After months of working with the client, I’ve learned that she has a lifelong history of mental illness (including suicide attempts and involuntary institutionalization). She refuses to seek treatment or take medication. She is intelligent enough to craft stories, to manipulate conversations, to abuse the legal system to her advantage, and to suggest “bending” ethical rules that would benefit her in court.
She participates in a voluntary mother & baby program through a non-profit, and asked me to speak with her social worker (who is not a government employee). The social worker says that my client is a good mother who meets the child’s needs, but that she absolutely has serious mental issues that need intervention. All the worker can do is recommend she seek treatment.
The client realized yesterday that I’m not someone she can manipulate and says she wants to withdraw her custody motion. Fine, whatever. But is there anything I can do to warn the court? The mother may be meeting the child’s physical needs, but this child (3 years old) will be, frankly, severely effed up emotionally if she is raised exclusively by this woman. (The mother has numerous relatives, two of whom I’ve spoken with and find to be good citizens, all of whom she’s cut contact with over perceived wrongs. She has NO friends. This child’s world will be exclusively the mother unless the father can successfully fight through the legal system and overcome maternal bias.) I’ve worked quite a bit with our local legal aid and their maternal bias is very strong; I’ll tell them all this, but I don’t think that’s enough. This little three year old is such a delight and I am so torn up over this child’s future with this woman. Grateful for any advice.
Anon
Ummm, wow. The mom is your client. Her instructions, until recently, were to use all legal avenues to ensure she has custody of the children. It appears you did this, and now have reached some personal determination that a different life would be “better” for the kids. That’s the role of a judge, not you. You represent the mom. Period. Full stop. If the children are at imminent risk (or whatever your local standard is), your obligation changes, but you acknowledge that is not the case
So until you feel the children are in sufficient danger to breach solicitor client privilege and your duty of loyalty, you. do. nothing. You treat her with the same respect for confidentiality that you would treat any other client.
Anonymous
I have to agree with this. Child productive services takes kids away who are in actual physical danger (medical needs unmet, mom’s molester boyfriend is still there after molesting her kids, broken arm, etc.). They don’t act when kids have bad parents. And this is your client — don’t lose your license over this.
Anonymous
Um, if this is a real question, doesn’t your state bar have a legal ethics hotline?
Anonymous
I am confused. Why would the mother be filing a motion for custody if she already has the child 100% of the time?
Anonymous
I think you need to call your state’s lawyer ethics hotline.
Clementine
I’m a foster parent, not a lawyer.
Can the parent ensure the safety of her child? Can she ensure that they are fed and not abused? Can she ensure they receive adequate medical and educational care?
If the answer is yes, then there is no reason for her kid to be taken away in the eyes of the state.
You don’t need to be a good parent, you just need to meet bare minimum parenting standards. You can always refer to CPS who might offer services and keep a close eye on the parent, but that’s prettymuch it.
Anonymous
As a lawyer she needs to check on the ethics before reporting to CPS. There are strict limits on breaches of client confidentiality.
Anonymous
And if this sort of client gets a whiff of the fact that you turned her in, she will have your license taken away and probably sue you personally.
Clementine
Amending my previous comment to say ‘refer to CPS if appropriate and following your lawyer-rules’.
But yeah. I know this seems so, so wrong, but… it doesn’t matter. The truth is that it doesn’t matter if a kid would be ‘better off’ with somebody other than their parent. Parents have a constitutional right to have/keep their kids. I know it feels wrong, but… go donate to an organization that does good work with kids and figure out what you need to do to manage your feelings of stress/rage/disappointment at your own lack of power.
Anonymous
You represent the mother not the child. Please look into your ethical obligations because what you are proposing could be a serious breach. You have a duty of loyalty to your client even if you don’t like her and think she’s manipulative.
hi hi hi
Do you have a joint client relationship with the legal aid organization? My pro bono cases are usually set up this way in our engagement letter. So, I have absolutely shared these kinds of concerning facts/opinions with the referral organization since we are both representing the client. It gets trickier of course if the referral org is not also representing her.
Anonymous
You. Are. Her. Lawyer. Go read your ethics rules.
Legal Aid Lawyer
Whoahhhh, take it back a step. As everyone else said, you are her lawyer. Unless your state has some wacky ethics rules, you cannot make that referral unless the child is in imminent danger of serious harm- and even then, TALK TO THE LEGAL AID ORGANIZATION. Seriously, if one of my pro bono attorneys were to say this to me, I’d take them off that case so f-ing fast- it really comes across as that you are not trustworthy to represent the client and do not respect the client. That, to me, would be more concerning than anything else. I would not want you on the case if I even thought you may make an “anonymous” complaint about the client, both for client-rep purposes and because of malpractice.
Legal aid clients have mental health issues. Their kids, honestly, do suffer due to them. BUT we are not social workers, we are not case workers, we are not mandatory reporters, and we are obligated to represent our clients’ interests, even if they fire us, even if we dislike them, even if we think they should not be doing what they are doing.
Doing pro bono work is great, but I would also strongly suggest getting some training about trauma-informed representation and working with clients with mental health issues.
License
No. You could easily lose your license. If you want a double-check on the advice provided here, call your ethics hotline, but this is very much like a professional responsibility exam/MPRE hypo, you can’t.
Anon
I just want to acknowledge that it sucks to be in a position where doing your ethical duty as a good lawyer could be putting a child in worse position than if you were a crappy lawyer. It sucks double that this is a pro bono case and you were just trying to do good.
Do you have great detail about the fitness of the other parent? Some kids don’t have a good one and the choice is between Parent A with problem X and Parent B with problem Y. If the problems aren’t severely impacting the child, there’s rarely a choice of person C who will be without significant problems. Our system isn’t set up to get children very good parents. It barely functions to get children the basics.
If you want to feel better, maybe look into other ways to support children? Perhaps being a guardian ad litem would be a better fit than representing a parent. Or, mentoring, tutoring, donating to organizations that help children and parents, voting for candidates that support policies that help children and parents.
Tara
How did you deal with daily levels of high stress from work? I figured I’d ask all the big law people here. I know a few days ago someone posted about being burned out – I’m not like that. I’m doing a job I like, for good but not exorbitant pay, but hours are long and resources are short. My team is lovely, and / but they are under the same stress I am.
I don’t think it’s a problematic level of stress because I used to get a lot of anxiety in grad school and a previous job, and that upset me a lot more than this. A bit part of why I legitimately feel better is that I love the cause I’m working for, and career wise it’s a great opportunity it’s.
How did you deal with the day to day of an intense job while staying calm and sane?
anon
establish a healthy daily routine to take care of yourself, make taking care of yourself first priority no matter what, eat healthy foods, exercise, sleep, no alchohol, and spiritual practice…either prayer, services, meditation or other….
Velma
Resin hoops for the office: yay or nay?
I’m kind of in love with tortoiseshell lately. My office is at the high end of business casual.
Here’s an example of what I have in mind (maybe a bit smaller): https://www.madewell.com/resin-octagonal-hoop-earrings-AB983.html?color=EB4833&position=5&position=5&activeChunk=0#q=hoop%2Bearrings&lang=default&start=1
Anonymous
Pet peeve: “Yay” = “hurrah.” “Yea” = “yes.”
Anonymous
Not the OP but thanks for this. I’ve always been confused by the distinction but never bothered to look it up. Now I know!
Velma
I’m an editor, and I was joking around with the spelling. But fair enough: online tone is a b*
Senior Attorney
Either way, I am yea and yay! for these in tortoiseshell!
Anon
This is the sort of pedantry up with which we shall not put.
Vicky Austin
Yesss! Love that line.
givemyregards
Depends on the office of course, but I love these. I’ve thought about buying these j. crew hoops at least a half dozen times (and probably should since they’re so cheap?) https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/jewelry/earrings/tortoise-hoop-earrings/G3672?color_name=tortoise
Anonymous
I’m wearing resin discs today, so I say yay! I’ve been looking for tortoiseshell hoops, but I haven’t found any that are flattering for my face/hair.
pugsnbourbon
Yes, yes, 1000x yes. Earrings are my thing and I’m getting a lot of wear out of three pairs of resin hoops I picked up this year. Search for “papasgix” on Amazon for the exact set I bought, which includes two tortoiseshell pairs.
The original Scarlett
I have a similar pair I’ve worn to work (casual, anything goes environment though), I found them uncomfortable after a few hours though but my usual earrings are studs.
Getting rid of old funiture
What is the best/most environmental way to get rid of old furniture? I’m finally ready to upgrade from my law school couch, which is ten years old and slightly stained. Given it’s condition, the non-profit to which I normally donate stuff isn’t interested. I’ve posted it for free on Craigslist, but got no takers.
Do I just go with 1 800 got junk? I assume that just ends up in a landfill, but … I’m not sure of any other options.
Anon
Obviously the best environmental solution is for someone to continue to use this couch as a couch. I would, in order:
Post on facebook marketplace
Post on your local freecycle group
Call other charities – women’s shelters, Restore, furniture banks, etc.
Put it at the curb if you see a stretch of non-rainy days
Call 1-800- Got Junk (or equivalent)
Anonymous
Can the stains be cleaned? What’s really most enviro-friendly is to keep it.
anonymous
OMG, really? So your home/apartment is full of old, stained furniture and you never replace anything? What a sad way to live.
OP, if the furniture is in not-great cosmetic condition but is still usable, Goodwill or our local Boys and Girls Clubs will take it for their thrift stores; generally they will even pick it up. If it’s really not usable, it probably will have to go to the landfill, but it doesn’t sound like the couch is in that bad of shape. Check with local shelters and organizations that put homeless folks into housing – a couch is better than no couch for some folks.
If all that fails, yeah, it’s 1-800-gotjunk. 10 years is a good amount of time to have a couch; regrettably things just don’t last the way they used to, when my grandparents were able to keep the same furniture for 30 years.
anon
My house mostly has Ikea furniture well into its second decade. We keep it clean (slipcovers for the win!) and it’s in no way sad.
In fact, it’s awesome to have furniture I don’t feel precious about. It’s freeing not to spend much time considering/ordering/waiting for furniture.
I have the money to upgrade, but why when my furniture is perfectly good?
anonymous
Some of us like having things to sit on and use that didn’t come in a flat-pack box and don’t need to be slipcovered to look decent. That’s obviously not you, so fine. I’m sure your shiny gold trophy for “I don’t need grown-up furniture” is in the mail.
MagicUnicorn
Perhaps counter-intuitive, but try posting it for twenty bucks instead of for free.
Anonome
+100 this always works for me. It attracts scrupulously honest cash-strapped folks, and I tell them to just pay it forward once the item is loaded in their vehicle.
Anonymous
Yes. I have always had more luck getting people to show up to pick up a “bargain” than a free item.
anon
I know this is late, but someone posted yesterday on cmoms about greendrop- they pick up from you and donate to a number of charities.
Emigrating in-laws to USA
I’m the poster from a couple days ago who was looking for others with experience/ideas about moving my European in-laws to the US (thanks to those who replied–very helpful!). My larger question about this topic is: What’s my role in flagging for my spouse that his plan to move his parents over might be more difficult than he’s picturing, and in fact might be financially impossible?
My in-laws are not rich, and they already have very difficult health conditions before the age of 60. They completely rely on the free-at-the-point-of-use healthcare system in their country. Neither would ever be able to work in the US, and I cannot come up with any math that would enable them to afford healthcare in our system. It would be financially ruinous. As much as we would like to, we also cannot financially provide for their health coverage.
My husband, his sibling (who also moved to the US two years ago on a temporary basis but now wishes to stay permanently) and his parents all talk about how great it will be in 10 years or so when his parents can move over. On the one hand, I recognize that this may just be a coping strategy for dealing with pain of having family spread out across two continents (they are very close). It’s lovely to dream that we could all be together. On the other hand, I would hate to see how devastating it could be when everyone is planning their lives around this future plan that is simply not financially feasible.
I’m especially concerned about this as his sibling is now thinking of trying to move here permanently. I am always of the opinion that their family dynamic is their business, I am not really entitled to an opinion, and I certainly never offer an opinion on their family matters unless asked. But in this case I don’t know if I’m doing more harm by not flagging this. Should I bring it up? If so, when? Or should I just let them discover this on their own?
Anonymous
You do have a right to an opinion when your marriage and nuclear family will be affected. You are not at all out of bounds to point out that it’s not financially feasible and you and your husband can not afford to foot the bill. That doesn’t mean your husband will accept your argument, but you do have a right to speak up.
Anonymous
Agree. You have the right to speak up. And sadly if they are already having health issues now, it may not be physically feasible for them to move in 10 years.
Minnie
I guess I just feel like I’m always the wet blanket in these situations. It’s hard being the realist! But it’s also hard to watch people I love looking forward to a future that probably isn’t possible.
Senior Attorney
I would say you don’t just have a right to speak up, you have a duty.
Cb
As someone who has made the move in the opposite direction, this is a really tough one but I think tough love and honestly is the way to go. You might want to have them consult with an immigration lawyer who can lay out what the options are.
My parents and in-laws both mentioned my parents retiring to the UK which just isn’t doable if you aren’t a Russian oligarch. They can, however, retire to Portugal which is a bit closer!
Anonymous
Don’t buy a house with extra unused bedrooms — that may attract them and have them not costing out living expenses. If they can do basic math, that should be enough. Even people who can live and work here tend to have to keep working beyond 60 or 65, even without significant medical conditions, so I can’t imagine that the cost won’t leap out at them.
Emigrating in-laws to USA
What amazes me is that none of them is asking this question: working out how to pay for health care seems like such an obvious issue to me, I don’t know how they could miss it. They are well aware of how it works in the US. This is part of what makes me think that this is purely a wishful-thinking situation, because no thinking person could realistically make these numbers work. And I don’t want to be the one to cruelly wrench away their coping mechanism if that’s really all it is.
PolyD
They might be “aware” but if they don’t live here, they haven’t experienced it firsthand. They don’t really know how bad it could be.
Heck, I’m a native born American, am in a field where I am aware of how bad our insurance system can be, and I still feel like I don’t know just HOW financially I could be ruined if I get cancer or hit by a bus or something.
I think keep things very factual – maybe you could get some rough numbers on how much it would cost to treat their existing conditions/maintain their health if they are uninsured in the US? I also like the idea above about maybe they can’t move to the US, but maybe they can move somewhere easier to get to?
Anonymous
Have your husband sit down for a consultation with an elder law attorney who does Medicaid planning. It’s highly unlikely that his parents would qualify for Medicaid-funded long-term care without being citizens or lawful permanent residents, but state laws vary. That attorney would be able to provide a good picture of how people (at least try to) plan for long-term care needs, and that might get your husband to understand what a huge financial burden this will be. You can find someone through the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (note that this would not be the same as an estate planning attorney).
Anonymous
Of course bring it up! “Steven what are you thinking with this? What’s your plan for how they get healthcare?”
Emigrating in-laws to USA
The one time I did, the response was, “Well, between [sibling] and I, we will just have to figure out a way to pay for it.” Which…is not realistic, unless our financial situation dramatically changes in the next decade.
It would be way more reasonable for us to simply go back to their country when it becomes necessary, which would be basically fine with me–but I am also the only child of my widowed mother, and leaving her behind doesn’t sound like a great option, either!
Anonymous
Then bring it up again. You are a part of this decision.
Anonymous
Red flag. Unless your husband came to the marriage with existing wealth that he will use to finance his parents’ health care, it isn’t just “between sibling and I.” He is really asking you to pay too, even if your finances are technically separate. If you are not willing to sacrifice your joint goals for your future as a couple and for your children’s future, you need to shut this down now. He does not get to make this decision without your input.
We are in a similar situation, and my husband and I have been in agreement since Day 1 that we would not provide any financial support to our parents. We will step in to help them manage what they do have and to ensure that they receive all public benefits for which they are eligible, but our financial priorities are our daughter’s education and our own retirement. We are not going to sacrifice those to bail our parents out of the consequences of their own poor decisions.
Emigrating in-laws to USA
I think he knows deep down that it would be financially problematic, though he may not realize yet how truly impossible it could be. (Ironically, his work touches on some of these financial areas, so I know intellectually he would get it if he ran the numbers.) I guess I would just characterize their whole family as just sort of…naive? And I mean that in a kind way, honestly. They are just fundamentally a “We will do what love requires of us and figure out the logistics of things later” type of family, but unfortunately in this situation that is going to put them up against some hard realities.
Anonymous
Does Sibling have a spouse? My husband and his siblings have had a hard time accepting the reality of their mother’s situation, and coordinated support and messaging from the spouses has been helpful. We aren’t secretly plotting or anything, but we have had success with tactics such as jointly demanding that they sit down in my living room and come up with a plan to deal with an urgent issue that they were avoiding.
Anon
Yikes. If I were you I would find a couple of reliable sources that estimate what the actual dollar amount costs are for this healthcare he is thinking they/you will pay for, and proactively show him that. He really just might have no idea (or mentally thinks it’s not as bad as people say), and you can’t argue with numbers.
Also, I think since this will 100% affect your finances you have every right to speak up.
Anon
“The one time I did, the response was, “Well, between [sibling] and I, we will just have to figure out a way to pay for it.” Which…is not realistic, unless our financial situation dramatically changes in the next decade.”
Nope. He’s married, so that is a decision you are also involved in.
“We will just figure it out” is also code for “We’ll do this and then deal with the consequences as they come, and since it’s a fait accompli, there will be no turning back.” Sorry, cynical.
anonymous
Piling on a bit, but I agree. My husband and I have mostly separate finances, but there really is no “his money and my money.” Especially because we live in a community property state. He can’t make a decision that would require tens of thousands of dollars of “his” money without it affecting me and our child. So no, he can’t make a decision he will “find a way to pay” for something like medical care for older parents. It is so much more expensive than people think. Unless your in-laws are ready to move here now and work for the requisite number of years to get Medicare eligibility, this is not in any way a realistic or workable plan. Their first minor hospitalization would bankrupt them.
Is your husband persuaded by data? Would he pay attention if you showed him what medical bills look like for people who are uninsured? There are examples out there on the Internet.
Anon
Personally, I would flag it at least once for my husband. It is a real and valid concern. Maybe he is just daydreaming or maybe it is realistic thoughts in his head, but either way flagging it once is a safe thing to do. After that, I would just try to let it go if they are just talking in the abstract. If they already have health concerns at 60, they are probably not going to be in the heath necessary to move to the US in 10 years and this is just all daydreaming. If they start trying to make actual plans or taking any substantive actions to relocate, then you need to bring it up again.
Anonymous
In the same situation, I did have serious conversations with my husband about it. Ultimately, my MIL passed away, so I don’t have any real advice other than to have the conversations. I was also concerned about my family being her only source of community, since she didn’t speak English.
Anon
I posted the other day about having looked into this exact thing and realized it was not doable for my parents-in-law at all. Right now, I’d point out to your husband that the federal government is in the process of making it much more difficult for people to immigrate if they cannot show that they have funds to purchase their own health insurance. Which is terrible in general, but might make the whole issue moot in your specific situation. They are also tightening health requirements (a medical exam is part of the immigration process). So your parents-in-law may not be able to immigrate even if they want to, since you say they already have serious health issues.
More generally, is your husband planning on sponsoring his parents’ immigration? I’m assuming he’s a citizen himself? As the sponsor, your husband would be agreeing to take on financial responsibility for his parents. In my marriage, that would absolutely be a joint decision of the two spouses. In practice, it has been the case that the government has not gone after sponsors to recoup money spent on non-cash benefits; but this is one of the policies that is being targeted for change by the current administration.
I also wanted to ask if you are willing to consider moving to the UK yourselves. I’m not saying you should, but this is an open conversation between my husband and me. Right now, we both agree that it’s better that we stay in the US. My career is not easily portable, and both of us would earn significantly less in the UK than we do here. Plus, I also have aging parents here, who are actually more likely to need our help (I am an only child, while he has two siblings, though one of them is totally useless for such things). But we keep it on the table as a possibility. If his parents really needed help in the future, we would strongly consider moving over there, at least temporarily.
Emigrating in-laws to USA
Thank you so much for this very thoughtful comment. It’s especially nice to hear from someone else who has personally confronted this.
Yes, my husband would sponsor his parents’ immigration (and his status would permit him to do so). And I’m aware of the financial responsibility that brings (or could brings, depending on the policy/enforcement at the time)! And so is he, and I don’t think he would do anything to financially jeopardize our nuclear family. I think if he really sat down and ran the numbers, it would become clear to him how very hard/impossible it would be for everyone. But even just saying “Hey look at this math, it doesn’t work” feels really cruel when this might be a dream everyone is hanging on to in order to get them through the separation.
And yes, I have always understood that moving back there could be an option, perhaps just on a temporary basis, and I would be okay with that. We have a child who would be affected by this, but I think we could all manage. But, like you, I’m an only child, and my widowed mom has literally no one else. That’s part of the reason he decided to move here in the first place–so I could be near her.
Part of the reason this issue is looming large for me is due to the situation with his sibling. We always kind of understood that, since she lived in their hometown, she would probably be available to look after them. But now she has moved here and is very eager to settle permanently. She very much has this narrative of “I’ll stay here and get married and have kids and then our parents will move here and it will all be grand!” And here I am thinking…”Mate, I don’t really know that’s how it’s going to work out. If you’re building this life with the understanding that it’s going to include your parents in the US, turn back now, because I don’t think it’s very likely to work out that way.” But I DEFINITELY don’t feel like I have the standing to butt in there.
Anonymous
Long visits might be a better solution to have lots of family time without the health insurance and immigration obstacles. Many retired Canadians winter in Florida (November – April) because they don’t lose their health insurance unless they are out of the country for more than six months. Is that an option from the UK? They could visit for 3-4 months at a stretch a couple times a year.
Anonymous
God, these issues are so complicated. You’re sensitive to them, and it’s even kind of leaking out in your words – “we kind of understood [someone else! always someone else!] would look after them.”
As a society, we have a long way to go toward figuring out elder care and care of the disabled, in a way that is fair to everyone. It shouldn’t just be the daughter, the oldest, the one who lives closest. . . but that’s what we all default to.
– Caregiver of a disabled spouse, whose life is largely on hold while everyone else watches and gives head pats.
Anon
Dude, you need to stand up for yourself and your marriage. It is absolutely time for you to butt in and make your husband VERY aware there is no financial way you could pay for his parents.
Vicky Austin
Since you’ve mentioned it multiple times, why not ask: “Do you think this is a serious possibility or are you all just coping with being separated?” He may not even realize that’s what he and they are doing. If he says it might be a serious possibility, insist that he run the numbers and take a good hard look at them. Then loop in the sibling. Then the parents. But I really think the question of “is this a plan or an emotional support fantasy” is very perceptive of you and you should put it to your husband before you do anything else.
Coach Laura
If you’re still checking back…I am of a similar age as your in-laws and have incurred medical costs of $125,000 from May 2019 to now, luckily mostly covered by insurance. I can’t imagine that you would ever want to be on the hook for the medical bills of two 60-somethings. If you could get insurance, maybe, but I don’t know that it would be possible to even buy medical insurance for two 60yos. I think Vicky’s idea is a good choice.
Anon
Can’t everyone get insurance through the marketplace / exchange now?
Coach Laura
I am not an expert, but wouldn’t markletplace plans (if available in 10 years) be cost-prohibitive? Maybe that is something for OP to check.
XStitcher
Can anyone speak to sizing of Hudson Baby? Currently, Carter’s 9 months fit, Gerber 12 months fit, and Carter’s Simple Joys 6-9 months fit.
Anon
Similar to Carter’s in my experience.
Minnie
Does anyone have a candle recommendation? I enjoy a candle, but I feel like I’ve moved slightly beyond the old Bath and Bodyworks range, and Voluspa scents always just smell like Anthropologie to me. Any brands that smell a bit more…expensive than what I might find at Target?
Monday
Paddywax, though they are indeed more expensive!
Anonymous
Yes. Lafco are also pricey, but last for a surprisingly long time.
Anon
Nest! They have interesting scents that still smell “natural” to me. Jo Malone candles are a bit too perfume-y for my liking.
Anonymous
I love Nest.
T
Capri Blue! Volcano (aka Anthropologie scent) is my fave and a classic (and I’m really scent-sensitive so actually wanting to have fragrance in my home is a big deal). I also love their fall candles, especially the spiced cider.
The original Scarlett
I’m a fan of PF Candle Company for inexpensive but lovely smelling candles. I get them on Amazon
anne-on
I like Target for my ‘burn after dinner to get rid of cooking smells candle’ but for my ‘luxurious relaxation’ candles I love the Sydney Hale Co. ones (and they donate to animal shelters!).
Original Moonstone
I am not a candle connoisseur, but the brand Archipelago Botanicals hits the sweet spot of interesting and not terribly expensive. I’ve tried the Lindenwood and Stonehenge ones in the travel tins for about $14. The site says there’s 55 hours of burn time, which is plenty for me. https://www.smallflower.com/brand/archipelago-botanicals
Anonymous
I like Wax and Wool candles from Etsy.
Anon
Old school, but we like Yankee Candles, but only the ones sold in their stores, not TJ Maxx, etc. The ones at the discount stores are different and don’t smell as good (and I love TJ Maxx, just not for this).
busybee
I was just in Madewell and really liked their candle scents, though I can’t speak (yet) to their burning. We have some West Elm candles that I like too. Rewined candles are some of my favorites, especially the champagne scent.
Portia
I also saw those Madewell candles and was seriously tempted – they smelled amazing! I buy most my candles on Etsy (Woodfire Candle Co. is my favorite).
UHU
Jo Malone
Anonymous
Le Labo Santal 26 candle is divine.
Anon
Diptyque is the gold standard.
Candle Lover
LOVE Illume candles (they have a pine-y scent and a smokey scent that are particularly wonderful for winter). They are also affordable but very fragrant (in a good way, not overwhelming) and burn really well.
Housecounsel
Nest Orange Blossom and Diptyque Baies!
Anonymous
Has anyone tried the new wool blend Rothy’s? I love my old Rothy’s but they get a little smelly. I probably wasn’t going to buy another pair. But the wool blend is intriguing – maybe it would breathe better and thus not get so stinky? I’m wondering if the new version is just as comfortable, lightweight, and packable?
anon a mouse
I haven’t but will be ordering them. I love the aubergine color and hope they will be a little warmer when the cold hits.
Obligatory referral code for $20 off: https://share.rothys.com/x/ieZxPH
emeralds
Have you tried washing them? My Rothy’s were not fresh after I took them on a business trip, but I threw them in the washing machine (including the liner which you aren’t supposed to wash, oops) and they’re fine again.
Anonymous
I have never heard that you shouldn’t wash the insole. I wash the insoles of my plastic Rothys more often than the actual shoes, and they are fine.
Anon
I think you do wash the liner, you just take it out of the shoe first.
OP
Yeah, I’ve washed them, frozen them, sprayed them with odor stuff, set them outside in the sunlight, basically everything I can think of. To be fair, I’ve had them for… almost 3 years? I had them before I saw the brand discussed here. Maybe that’s just the life cycle of the brand? Three years doesn’t seem long for pricey shoes.
Anonymous
I have very sweaty/smelly feet and what I’ve found that works for my Rothy’s is about once a month I need to soak them in vinegar for a couple hours. I dilute it maybe 1:5 or 10 in the sink, let them sit (with insoles) submerged for an afternoon and then put in washer on cold rinse cycle. Hope that helps! I’ve had mine about 1.5 yrs.
Lobbyist
I have one pair of Rothys, red, and they didn’t get clean when I washed them. I also bought one similar pair of allbirds flats. They are more comfortable and seem to get less dirty. They are wool based. So maybe the wool Rothys will be better?
Elle
Would love to hear back when people have tried them. I love my regular ones.
If anyone else needs a referral code for $20 off: https://share.rothys.com/x/hDCK73
AIMS
I feel a bit blah/frumpy lately and would love some action pointers. I think it’s a combination of things – stressful new job that takes up too much of my time, little kids that take up all the rest of my time, being in that weird part of my 30s where I don’t feel “old” but I don’t feel all that young either, and to add to it I’ve probably gained 5-10 lbs and all of my clothes fit sort of off. This last bit is really obvious to me now that it’s getting cold and I’m putting on all my pant suits, etc., that I haven’t worn all summer. I also haven’t really updated my clothes too much or at least not in any thoughtful way because I’ve been pregnant the for two of the last 4 years, which may play a part. In short, I feel frumpy in my clothes and because of the lack of time I don’t really feel like I can address it – I don’t want to buy all new clothes and I don’t really have time to even go shopping for much, I don’t have much time for any kind of salon visits, etc., I barely make it out of the house every morning so I can’t really spend more time getting ready….
My building is opening up a gym so I’m going to try waking up (even more) early to get a little exercise in before work which will hopefully give me more energy and solve my clothes problems, but in the meantime what are some tips for just feeling less out of it? I’d love to get a (low maintenance) cool new haircut or some accessories that would make me feel better in the meantime. Does anyone have a favorite thing that they bought recently? I’d really like to snap out of it and not sure where to start.
anon
Start with small steps…..go through your closet (you need to do this every season anyway) and really get rid of the items you aren’t going to wear/don’t fit. You do need to shop…a little bit here and there. Start with one outfit that fits and flatters now….then slowly add more pieces. Once you find a retailer that has pieces that flatter you, stick to that one and you can order your size on line….this will save a ton of time. Schedule the low maintenance haircut – that will give you a boost. Go to Sephora or Ulta and have them show you some basic makeup that will enhance your natural look.
Anonymous
First, I’d establish a seasonal capsule wardrobe based on the existing items that fit best or annoy you least, supplemented with a few new pieces. Limiting the color palette may help reduce the feelings of frumpiness—at least it does for me. Also make sure your underwear fits well and is not shabby.
Next, I’d invest a little time in updating your haircut and color. If you don’t already have highlights, a mini highlight might do the trick. I’d also make a trip to Sephora for an updated makeup look and skin care. I know you don’t have a lot of time to spend at the salon, but a manicure and groomed eyebrows can help you feel polished. Could you go at lunch? I only get manicures for travel, but I always have an at-home pedicure that helps me feel more put-together even if no one else sees it.
Finally, the simple act of working out will make you feel better about yourself and your body, even before results are visible. When you’ve worked out today and have a plan to go tomorrow, you get to think of yourself as A Person Who Works Out. The pleasantly tired feeling in your muscles will remind you of this all day. Drinking lots of water throughout the day and eating a healthy lunch and snacks are also good little ego boosts. Go ahead—flaunt that fancy metal water bottle in meetings, because you are A Person Who Exercises and Carries a Water Bottle. It sounds silly, but helps me a lot.
Good luck, and have fun with it!
Anonymous
I would start with your hair. Once you have a good foundation there and feel comfortable with a style that makes you feel fabulous, you can move on to clothes.
For clothes, can you start with one or two foundational pieces to get started? Like some pants, skirts or jeans?
Anon
Hair, nails, makeup consultation if you wear makeup, two new dresses that fit you now, one new pair of shoes, a repair or replacement of your work tote if it looks more like a diaper bag than a tote.
Coach Laura
I find ponte sheath dresses the best for 5-10 pound weight swings. You should be able to wear jackets or cardigans over them that might be a hair too small to bridge the gap until more things fit. And you can wear them later when you lose the 5-10. Lands End and Talbots are good places for sheath dresses and someone here posted an Old Navy one yesterday that was very pretty (fitted bracelet sleeve dress) but they also have a jersey swing dress and a ponte knit and a mock neck rib knit dress that look great. The good thing about ponte dresses is that it’s easier to order online and get a size that fits. Order two sizes if you’re unsure of sizing.
Anne Marie
Last year I took myself shopping on the day before Thanksgiving at a mall where there were several stores I liked. I actually took the whole day off work just to have a bit of time to myself (with kids in their usual childcare). Tons of stuff was already on black Friday sales, and it was a bit hectic, but not too crazy. My younger kiddo is 4 now – I remember that “I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding forever” period and it’s hard to keep up a wardrobe you love with all the body changes and lack of time. (I also had a tendency during that period to order a lot of things online, and then keep things I felt lukewarm about, because I was so desperate for something new/to have enough clothes to wear – but then ended up with a wardrobe full of stuff I didn’t really love.) Having some clothes you’re excited to wear, that fit and feel current, is important. It sounds like it’s time for an update and if you plan a bit in advance you can think about what wardrobe workhorses you might need to replace. You could also order some items online ahead of your shopping day knowing that you can use that day to return whatever doesn’t work and then enjoy shopping in person for whatever you are still looking for.
I’ve found if I can dedicate a good chunk of the day and buy strategically, I can do that 2-3 times per year (timed strategically for the seasons) and keep my wardrobe relatively current, supplemented with a bit of online shopping. It helped me to curb always feeling like I wanted to “window shop” online and then ordering stuff I didn’t really need because I was just generally dissatisfied with what I had in my closet or how it looked on me.
If the blahs continue… consider therapy. I had never been in therapy but then with a very stressful period at work and 2 young kids, I became depressed last winter. It was hard to take that time away from work but in the end it was *so* worth it. I realized I didn’t really have any regular opportunities to talk through and process the things that were going on in my work (or with my kids)… my husband listens but isn’t great at the “let’s talk through this” verbal processing I need to do, and although I have friends I could talk to, no one, including myself, wants to chat on the phone for an hour after finally getting the kids to bed. Therapy really helped me have that outlet to process and work through some things. I feel noticeably better and more like myself again.
Infinite Style by Ann Taylor
Does anyone have experience with Infinite Style by Ann Taylor? How did you find the quality (materials, hems, stitchings, etc.)?
RR
I didn’t do this, but I did the Infinitely Loft one, which I’d assume to be similar in all respects except Loft vs. Ann Taylor. For the Loft one, the pieces are exactly the same as pieces sold at Loft–so you could get a pair of pants from Infinitely Loft and find the exact same pair (with same info, same styling pictures, same everything) on the website. I even had a different color of a blazer I had purchased from Loft–it was exactly the same product.
So, for Infinite Style, I’d anticipate the same quality as Ann Taylor. The discount for purchasing stuff through Infinitely Loft was fantastic–I picked up a lot of blouses for under $20.
I was impressed with the care they gave the clothes–things didn’t seem run down when I got them, even at the end. The only reason I stopped was that I’m plus, and they weren’t updating the plus offerings enough to make it worth it to continue.
I’m trying another service now–nuuny, which is heavy on stuff from Anthropologie. I love the styles, but I was really unimpressed by the wear level of the first tote of clothes they sent me, so I’m pretty sure I’m canceling after this first month. The discount for purchasing is not good at all (like 20% or something, with a lot more wear on the clothes).
Anonymous
For plus, I would recommed Gwynnie Bee. I tried RTR Unlimited but the they skew very heavily towards evening clothes, rather than work–especially for plus sizes. I’ve been loving Gwynnie Bee for business casual dresses (they have pants and tops and stuff also, I just wear dresses almost exclusively). I’ve never had anything that came looking worn out or anything.
Anonymous
Here’s a discount l!nk if you’d like to try it (I think you get 30 days free, and $10 off your next month):
go.trygbnow.com/r1yg3
RR
Thank you! They were already next on my list, and I think you’ve pushed me over.
BeenThatGuy
I switched from RTR unlimited to Infinitely Lofts. It was a big mistake and I went right back to RTR. The clothes did not hold up to the multiple wears and everything, literally everything, needed to be ironed. I also felt that the packages did not come promptly. I could place an order on Monday and not receive the clothes until Friday. With RTR, my order always comes the next day.
Portia
This probably depends a lot on where you live. I cancelled RTR Unlimited because it would take 8-11 days after I dropped my package at the UPS store before I’d get my next one.
BeenThatGuy
You are 100% correct. I’m less than 5 miles from their distribution center so that is a huge factor.
lulu
I did it for a few months and found it more trouble than its worth. You can’t rank items and the user interface for adding things to the closet is not great. When I used it, once something was added to your closet you couldn’t remove it. There is also an option to prioritize certain pieces but I never once got an item I prioritized. You have to send all the items back together (not sure if this is the same as RTR) and it took at least a week to get the items. In my opinion, you’d be better off dashing into the store, closing your eyes and hitting the AT sale rack.
Canada Questions
I think on here we get lots of City Canadians, and I get that Canadian cities are very city-like, urban, expensive, melting pots of people from all over the world.
But isn’t a lot of Canada not only rural, but very remote? Like far not only from very large cities but from even cities of 50K or so? Also, if you are from say Yukon, is it likely that you go from there to the Maritimes to a big city and then to a random suburb in your life? [The way in my city large enough for an NFL team, people move here from various other cities, have a spouse from yet another place, move here and then perhaps out to a suburb of our city; our schools are about 1/3 first or second generation Americans, so lots of big movements from within the US and from other countries.]
I realized while watching Ice Road Truckers the other night that outside of big city life (e.g., Love it or List it world), I didn’t know what a non-city Canadian life looks like. Like it might be a lot more rural and remote than now life in the rural US is. And much less transient (or maybe not). I’ve been to Canada, but only to its very large cities.
Anon
I’m a transplant to Canada from the States who moved around a lot growing up. I have lots of opinions about this question.
Canada is big and vast, but statistically most people live in major population centres close to the US border. I believe the statistic is that 90% of Canadians live within 100 miles of the US border. Other than fly in communities and other people truly in the north, I don’t think rural Canada is all that different than the vast rural areas of the US.
In a country of 35 million people, obviously some people move around within Canada during their life. People move from out east or up north to somewhere else to go to school and find work. People migrate to the oil sands for work, etc. etc. However, it is nothing, NOTHING like the US. People just…stay put (once they get here). It’s crazy to me, I can’t explain it, it just is. Their family stays put. Their friends stay put. No one moves. The idea of wanting to move and go to a different city marks you as an outlier. Its harder to make friends if you go that route because everyone has long-rooted social circles already. Companies (generally) don’t move people. It’s hard to find a job in a new place because no one expects someone to want to move anywhere else.
Anon
Very interesting thank you…I’ve worked in business in Canada and also feel that it is so very different than the US business world…OTOH I have enjoyed summer vacations on Lake Erie and Ontario in Canada…I don’t think I could move and live there permanently
Anonymous
Not sure I agree with this. I’d say about one third to half my friends are in a different city than they grew up in. I think once people have families they don’t tend to move much but I don’t think it’s common that generation after generation of the same family all stay in the same city. In my own family 2/6 cousins have moved to other provinces.
anon
Statistically, Americans do move more than Canadians. In fact, Americans move more than almost anybody else in the world. I googled and found some articles and a Gallup study on it – here are some interesting details:
24% of Americans had made a regional move within the last five years and Americans move residences an average of 11 times in their lives. Other countries in the top tier of movers: Iceland, NZ, Syria (understandable), Denmark, Norway, Finland.
The number is less than 20% for Canadians.
With the exception of the Nordic countries, all of Europe is at less than 10% of people making a regional move in the last 5 years.
Europeans have moved residences on average 4 times in their lifetime.
It’s super interesting, but anecdotally I have found that my German/Austrian/Belgian friends often still live in their hometowns.
Anonymous
In my highly-transient US City, you can go into a bar on a Saturday and it is set up for alumni of college teams and they are not even from states remotely close to us. Then on Sunday, it is set up for fans of NFL teams that are also not even close to us (I’ve counted: Giants, Steelers, Buffalo Bills, KC Chiefs (most random!), Patriots, Bears, Dallas, Seahawks, Redskins).
Do other countries do this?
For World Cup, bars aren’t specific — some just operate at all hours for anyone who is a soccer fan.
Anonymous
Interesting. My grandparents were from State A (2), and State B (2), but the ones from State B moved to State A (12 hours away) after one grandparent had been sent overseas with the Army. My parents met in State A in high school but moved 12 hours away to State C and then State D. I grew up in State D and a foreign country and lived in State C for college (8 hours away) and then State D and then moved to State A (large state — you can drive for 8+ hours and still be in the state) but not near where my parents grew up. I met my spouse in State A, but he is from State C (but that is still 8-10 hours away) and his parents were from State D and State E (within 5 hours of each other). None of this is unique within in my friend circle (excluding military friends, who I’d expect to have this, but kicked up a couple of notches though).
It is odd to me that my kids are from State A and have lived in 1 house since they came home from the hospital (walkable from our house). There is a very good State U campus in our city and while my wallet would love for them to go there I feel that they need to roam a bit. Roaming is what our people do.
Anon
I think the amount of movement within the US by Americans is very personality driven and maybe region specific. I grew up in the major city of a Midwest state. Out of my high school class, I am only aware of 2 others who don’t live back in home state. A few others left for college, but then returned after college. Similarly, I went to Big State U in home state for college. Of my college friends, the vast majority fall in to one of three categories: (1) those who moved to my home state for college and stated in the major city area, (2) those who grew up in home state and stated in the major city area, and (3) those who moved to my home state for college and then returned to their home state. I can only think of about 10 other people who live in completely different states now.
In contrast, I’ve lived in both NYC and DC. In both, I knew some people who grew up in or went to college in the local area, but the vast majority of people I knew had move to the city. Some of that is unique to those two cities, and at least my stage of life in NYC (young, early 20s). But some of that is just a vast difference in how life is in the major US cities compared to smaller Midwest cities.
Anon
Replying to my own comment about my experience as a transplant:
I forgot to mention – maybe it’s just random chance, but I swear that those people who DO move around all end up finding each other and becoming friends. Until I met my boyfriend (a non-mover), I would estimate that 90% of my social circle – both people I met in my Canadian law school and people I met in other ways – had moved here from somewhere else in Canada. Maybe this was because everyone else had friends from HS/uni and wasn’t interested in meeting newbies, or maybe the fact that we moved meant that we shared some important personality trait that fostered friendship.
Mpls
This is pretty much the Minnesota experience – a higher percentage (compared to other US states) of people don’t leave the state and so are still friends/hangout with people from elementary school and never learn to make friends as adults, because they don’t have a need to – they’re going to college and hanging out with friends from high school.
The transplants all find each other and make friends, and if you’re lucky you find that extroverted Minnesotan to integrate you into their existing friend group.
pugsnbourbon
I used to think it was uniquely Cincinnatian to ask someone “where’d you go to high school” immediately after meeting them, but I’ve come to understand it’s fairly widespread throughout the Midwest.
Anony
Maine is similar. I’d say my hometown is easily divided into people who never left after high school, people who moved back right after college (not many), and people who moved back at the 5-10 year mark after college (tons) with spouses to settle down. Upon moving back right after college, there were probably a small handful of people I went to HS with around. Now, almost 20 years later, a conservative estimate would be that 50% of my graduating class lives within a 20 mile radius of our hometown. Funniest part is that the “cool & popular” neighborhood when I was growing up is now filled with former classmates who are snatching up the properties as their classmates parents retire to smaller houses.
Anon
I disagree with this. I know tons of people who have moved to different cities.
Never too many shoes...
This is super interesting to me. I think a lot of it has to do with where you grew up. I am from Toronto and grew up here. I went to Quebec for undergrad (would not live there due to some of the language issues) and then also lived and worked on Ottawa for several years. There are tons of transplants to Ottawa because that is where government is located and people love it. I hated Ottawa and felt it was kind of a backwater and missed the Toronto urban feel and cultural diversity. People from the coasts often feel a strong pull to go back to the coasts after leaving for university and maybe their early twenties. Toronto is filled with immigrants and transplants…but all of my high school friends still live in Toronto (although many of them lived elsewhere for long periods). Of the six of us, four married guys from Toronto, one married a guy from a smaller city about six hours away and I married a guy from another country. Anecdata.
Anonymous
A lot of Northern Canada is pretty much like Alaska – some communities are fly in only.
I live in small city but there is an international airport. I find that Canadian rely on air travel more than Americans because the driving distances are much longer.
I think something like 80% of the Canadian population lives within 2 hours of the US border. There are other smaller cities and large towns, and remote/rural areas as well but I don’t think the remote/rural areas are that different in terms of logistics than living in the rural parts of the US or in Alaska.
Ice Road Truckers gives you a glimpse into the lives of like 0.005% of Canadians.
Anonymous
I thought that a lot of Canada outside of cities was agricultural — like there are giant farms along the US border in between the cities. Like amber waves of grain everwhere. And then the rocky mountains. No? And fishermen (fisherpeople? fishers?) on both ends and along the St. Lawrence. And then vast areas that aren’t really settled.
Anonymous
The north would be the ‘vast areas that aren’t really settled’. Lots of farming in the western provinces but mostly in the lower half of the provinces as you can only go so far north before agricultural isn’t viable. Fishing industries on both Pacific and Atlantic coasts.
ANONIST
I guess “fishist” would be the equivalent to the word “sewist” (above) which I had never seen before today.
Anon
As others have said the majority of Canadian population lives in the densely populated southern area close to the US border. A huge chunk of Canada is just farmland and forests. The north is especially very remote and not very populated. I would say it is different from the US in that way. A lot of Canada is just empty of people!
Anonymous
Northern Canada is not empty of people; there are small indigenous communities across the exceedingly difficult to access North, who use the land differently than urban and southern people.
Canadian
As a Canadian, I’m finding this comment very amusing haha. Love the questions!
Canada is geographically huge, as one commenter already said, and most Canadians live in large cities near the US border (or smaller cities near those large cities… lots of sprawl here as everyone clumps together in large population centres). So sure, there is a lot of empty space out there, but a lot of it is very far north where there are very small fly-in communities. Yes, people do move around for work or school, but I would guess it’s less common to do that here than in the U.S. One major difference is that we just don’t have the same number of large cities with employment opportunities. People in certain industries tend to be concentrated in four or five of the major urban areas. I grew up in a big city, left for several years for school, and then came back here where jobs are. Many of my friends did the same.
Rural Canadian life is not all that different from rural US life, I’m sure. Farms are usually in the southern half of the country (because further north is too cold for agriculture) so you’re not that far from a town or city. I live in a large city and my farming relatives are only about two hours away. Ice Road Truckers is definitely not representative of an average Canadian experience!
Never too many shoes...
I have only ever seen ads for this show on my ipad – do people watch it?
Anon
I don’t but I have this super intellectual friend – like he spent five years of his life on a theorem – and we were at a work thing and I asked him if he had a favorite TV show and he sheepishly said Ice Road Truckers.
I had never heard of it. I asked what it was about. He said they drive trucks on icy roads. I asked, is that it? He said, pretty much.
It was so unexpected out of that guy!
SuziStockbroker
Another Canadian here to say that most Canadians live in cities. Toronto and environs, for example, is one of the biggest cities in North America and approximately 1/6th of our entire population lives in the Greater Toronto Area.
Rural Canadians in the southern half of Canada likely live pretty similar lives to rural Americans. The north is exceptional and the lifestyle is very different up there for Indigenous and non-Indigenous peoples alike. I’ve spent time in Whitehorse (Yukon Territory abutting Alaska) and it is an experience. I’d live there for a couple of years if I could, but then I think I’d need to come back to city life.
Boot/bootie brands for tweens
What brands of boots / booties do tweens wear? I am used to buying cheaper kid-sized shoes, but my tweens now have adult sized feet that are still growing. I don’t want to be super-spendy b/c these will often be outgrown in a year (if not sooner) and boots / booties are pretty expensive, but I do want them to be running around in solid footwear.
I get their snow boots at Lands End and hiking boots at the outdoor shop. These are what I’d call fashion boots/booties, so nothing needs to be waterproof or for snow. Just for wearing maybe to church and on weekends with dresses/leggings (their school has a no-boot rule).
Abby
Check DSW sale section! I’ve gotten tons of shoes for under $40 from there, that are surprisingly nice
Anonymous
Yay — I like the sound of this. I am in a part of my city where people buy Golden Goose sneakers for their kids. My feet have been the same size for decades and I might spend that kind of $ on a pair of boots FOR ME that I’d wear for years, but not for pre-distressed fashion sneakers.
Anonymous
Ditto! I recently just got a pair of Blondo booties for myself there for under $50. Surprisingly good sales if you’re willing to look.
NOLA
After some recommendations here, I went to Talbots and tried on the sweater blazer. Love it! It fits really well and I think it will be a great piece to wear over dresses and look more polished than a sweater. I was hoping it came in navy, but it doesn’t seem to. Loved the tweed and bought the black (well, ordered because the Talbots near me has the worst customer service in the universe).
Anonymous
Did you check their website? Their knit blazer usually comes in navy (sometimes they use indigo to describe navy).
regular going anon
OK, so I work in tandem with another employee, and I worry that she doesn’t do her job properly and that this will end up reflecting badly on me more than on her. I spoke to her boss a couple months ago about my concerns. Nothing was done and the same things that concerned me continued. Other people have expressed similar concerns about her to her boss to no avail.
One of the problems I predicted would happen as a result of her work habits just did. I sent proof to her boss, as I have been doing lately with other instances that show the possibility of this problem. The trouble with this employee is that she has two sets of duties – the one on which I work with her, and her responsibilities as director of HR. (don’t ask.) So I can’t go to HR. What can I do?
Anonymous
Keep documenting and keep doing your work. Make sure your own boss is aware of the issue so she knows it is the other person’s fault when things go wrong. Don’t do this other person’s work for them. Also, go to your boss with the documented issues and ask how to proceed.
Abby
I kind of think this is a stay in your lane situation. You are keeping tabs on her and tattling, you’ve brought it up twice to her boss. This will only reflect poorly on you because her boss will think you know better than they do on how to manage their employee. Do the best you can at your job, let her boss worry about her.
Anon
Yes, this.
Anon
+1000
Anon
Yup, this. Your employer has shown you very clearly and repeatedly that this isn’t an issue for them. Continuing to tell on your coworker at this point is only going to reflect poorly on you. Figure out how to do your job the best you can knowing that this situation won’t improve. You can decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you and you can look for a new job, or you can decide you can adapt and live with it. Totally up to you! But don’t expect the external situation to change.
Also, this wouldn’t really be the kind of thing you’d go to HR about anyway.
anon
If I wanted a trendy, low-heeled bootie for casual wear, are there any specific styles that you’d recommend? I am always so far behind on updating footwear, but I’m realizing that it makes a big difference in how current my clothes feel. I am always convinced that newer styles won’t stick around, but here we are, another fall with booties in the mix.
How do you figure out how quickly to hop on a bandwagon, especially for casual clothing? Honestly, I’ve invested most of my clothing budget in workwear because I wear it more than anything else, and workout clothes/athleisure because that’s what I wear after work and a good chunk of the weekend. I’m sort of hopeless in that middle space.
My other downfall is that I really love high-quality stuff, and it seems like for casual wear, it’s almost not worth it because I don’t get enough cost per wear out of those items before they feel dated.
Anonymous
I love my Frye Carson Piping booties. They are relatively on-trend but not so trendy that they will go out of style next week.
I have learned that if I like a particular trend, it’s best to hop on the style bandwagon early so I can get as much wear out of the piece as possible before the trend dies. I don’t mess with trends I don’t love. If a particular silhouette that I don’t like becomes ubiquitous (hello, ugly mom jeans), I avoid being trendy with that type of item and go classic instead.
Ms B
I am buying a pair of the Lucky Basel booties in the next couple weeks for exactly this purpose.
Beth
My holy grail casual booties are the Isabel Marant Dicker Ankle Boots. I’ve bought two pairs on the Real Real and my cost per wear is pennies at this point.
Anon
Can anyone recommend some ideas for a fundraising event for a small ($80,000 annual budget) non-profit that I am on the board of?
Last year, we did a comedy event/dinner. Each ticket was $30 and it covered the cost of dinner and the show and we had great success (raising approx. $6,000 which was huge for us on this first time event). Some members of the board want to do another comedy show (with the same group…), but I’d like to bring other ideas to the table. Any suggestions welcome!
hi hi hi
Is your goal to increase fundraising or the profile of the event? (I’m in Chicago so this is Chicago-centric.) If to raise the profile/activity:
– Trivia nights are very popular in Chicago. Local company charges like $400 for the night. We then cater in another $400 of food and get in-kind space/AV.
– Revolution Brewing has a “non-profit” rental rate that is a great value for smaller non-profits. I’ve seen this done in other cities so ask around for brewery options. We did a custom pint glass and gave one to each attendee (sponsorship, org logo, date, brewery).
– Find a connection to a celebrity, etc., and see if they will MC/attend dinner/cocktail hour for free, etc.
Also, a lot of people will just come to a cocktail hour!
If the goal is to increase fundraising, then the natural step is to add to the event — silent auction, wine auction, raffle, paddle raiser, sponsorships, which will naturally increase the amount raised.
SC
One of my favorite fundraising events I’ve been to recently was a cornhole tournament. It was held on the tennis courts of a neighborhood clubhouse. Registration and bathrooms were inside the clubhouse. The organization purchased boards and bean bags for the cornhole tournament. There was a crawfish boil competition and a couple of food trucks which also had vegetarian options. Drinks were coolers of beer (plus soda and water). Centerpieces were vases or bowls of Easter candy (it was spring).
I don’t play cornhole, didn’t score a single point, and had a great time. I believe tickets were about $100 for a team, although I was invited as a sponsor’s guest. They raised about $25,000, but I imagine that came from large checks and sponsors, not tickets. It felt like most of the money was going directly to the non-profit, not the per-head cost of an expensive gala, which I liked.
Anonymous
What didn’t you like about the event or why do you want to change it?
Anonymous
To clarify, I work in fundraising and would be happy to make some suggestions, but I think I would be more helpful with some context since it sounds like your previous event was somewhat successful.
I do think there is value in sticking with a format if it is working since people come to expect it every year. If you want to make a small tweak to try to bring in more money you could consider having a special guest performer who could bring in more ticket sales, e.g., a well-connected corporate person who likes to dabble in comedy, or someone willing to be roasted. This is why nonprofits like to have honorees at a gala – their purpose is to drive ticket sales that would not otherwise happen. I anti-recommend auctions as they are so labor intensive. Be sure your ticket price is as high as your audience will support, and consider having some higher level tickets (essentially sponsorships).
One really funny idea I heard about at a conference was a 0.5K race. A small theater had a “race” from their doors to the doors of a brewery 0.5 miles away. They had bacon and ice cream stations to keep the runners/walkers going on the treacherous journey, entertainment, etc. I’m not exactly sure how they made this profitable but they must have had some donated food/beverages and possibly a cash bar at the brewery.
Anonymous
Trivia contest – invite people to put together teams for an entry fee. Offer some free food + some pay-for food and prizes to the winners. Let people pay to “pass” on giving an answer but getting the points.
Anon
What kind of people attend the fundraiser?
Trivia nights or casino nights or battles of the bands are fun – you pay an entry fee, but then there are silent auctions, cash bars, and bake/food sales inside.
Smaller amounts of money can be made from dine-and-share events. Many local restaurants and food trucks will do a night where a percent of the proceeds will go to the org. Then you advertise it to your base and they have an “excuse” for going out to eat with the family.
You can also do buy-a-brick type fundraisers, particularly if your organization has a permanent location or builds locations for others. Stuff like “buy a brick in our new sidewalk” or “sponsor a new piece of furniture for a family” tends to go over well.
If your audience has kids (or if your org focuses on kids), things like a babysitting drop off night, or a meet santa and then let the kids pick a gift for mom and dad and get help wrapping it, or silent auction on items created by the kids, etc. I’m sure if you searched PTO/ PTA fundraisers you could get lots of kid-focused ideas.
Wedding Budget
How much did you budget for your wedding? Do you have any tips for budgeting for a traditional wedding ceremony? My parents come from a culture where you have to invite everyond you know, so it will probably be a huge affair with 500+ people, most of them parents’ friends and family. Biglaw attorneys around me have spent well into six figures for the ceremony /flowers /food /dress /rings, but we are not rich and I’d like to economize where I can. It is complicated further by the fact that fiance is from a European country where peoplr don’t usually have huge ceremonies (or indeed get married at all, but rather have civil unions). We’ll probably pay for our respective guests, but still a headache. Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
How much are you, your parents, your fiance and their parents willing to contribute to the wedding? What sort of event do you/the ‘funders’ expect/want. In this case, I think it could be nice to have a small, intimate wedding and later a reception for a larger number of guests.
anon
Some friends did the opposite, had a church wedding around noon, with ~200 people there. Afterwards, there was a brief reception right outside the church, with cake, champagne and a variety of beverages. Then everyone dispersed and a smaller group of people got together for dinner in the evening.
Anon
Honestly, with a guest list that size, it’s hard to economize. Say you spend $35/pp on food – that’s nearly $20K just on that. If your parents have the resources available to pay for their guests, let them. If they don’t, do not feel obligated to invite that many random people. I say this as someone with a 300 person wedding, a third of which I would not have invited if it weren’t for the fact that my parents were paying and wanted them to come. My parents and I compromised and I paid for things that didn’t go up per guest (ceremony site/decorations, DJ, photographer, rings, dress, etc.). But also I’m from a culture where my parents had been saving for my wedding since I was born so everyone was kind of ready for this.
June
This is what we did, each set of parents covered the plates for their guest lists and invited whoever they wanted. We paid for the plates on our guest lists, DJ, dress, photographer, ceremony fees, invites etc.
Anon
If your parents are making you invite 500 people, then they should be helping you with those costs. Otherwise have the wedding you can afford to throw yourselves and limit the invites.
Anon
This. Our wedding budget was $15k, so we had a nice but small wedding (75 guests). People who aren’t paying don’t dictate the guest list, and it’s wildly irresponsible to go into debt throwing a party.
Anon
This isn’t a budget problem; it’s a family dynamics problem.
It is reasonable for parents to ask that they get to invite dozens or hundreds of their friends, provided they pay for them. It is reasonable for them to condition the receipt of wedding money on certain things happening. (That does not mean that you are obligated to defer to them; it just means that the offer is reasonable.) But it’s not okay for them to spend your money for you, and that’s also an objectively terrible way to start a marriage.
If they want that many people, THEY can make the math work.
My only budgetary suggestion is to have a huge ceremony and cake/punch reception, and then have a big time lag before a smaller, evening reception for close family and friends.
Blueberries
+1 on huge ceremony and cake/punch, with possible time late for small evening reception. It’s really hard to economize when you’re feeding hundreds of people dinner unless you have an army of volunteers who want to help you.
Or, just tell your parents it won’t be possible to invite tons of people because it’s not in your budget.
Telco Lady JD
Oof. Our budget was about $30,000 (not counting the engagement ring) – but it was a small wedding….only about 85 people. We live in a very HCOL area, and we were ruthless with the guest list so that we could use the caterer that we wanted, get an extra hour at the venue, etc.
Honestly, if your parents aren’t planning to pay for their guests, you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) invite their guests. If you had an extra $100,000 laying around to pay for a 500+ person wedding, that would be one thing…. but you don’t.
Anonymous
I never saw the final total because my parents paid for a large chunk, but I would estimate it was between $25-30k for around 80 guests, but that also includes welcome drinks the night before and brunch the morning after. We had a mostly-destination wedding (in the US, but only a handful of guests were local) and we subsidized the room rates, so about 6-7k was for that. Some of that was also stuff I didn’t care about at all but my mother did (she probably spent way more on invitations and flowers than I would have). Your guest list is what’s going to make the biggest difference in price. I had to push back hard on my parents’ (well, mother’s) inclination to invite a bunch of her friends, most of whom I didn’t know well (or at all). I did, however, promise to throw my parents a large 40th anniversary party in a few years to which she can invite all of these people.
Anonymous
Actually, as I type that out, it was probably closer to 35k or 40k. It’s probably best I have no idea what mom spent on some things I considered unnecessary, because I would have died of shock.
Anonymous
Yes either your parents pay or you don’t do this
Is it Friday yet
I just got yelled at (well, sternly spoken to) about not returning a partner’s message on my personal cell and how I obviously don’t value working with them. In front of other people. I never got said message. How does that even happen? Ugh
anon
Ugh. That’s the worst. My boss once yelled at me (but not in front of other people) for not returning his call. He called my office phone while I had gone down the hall for a few minutes, didn’t leave a voicemail, and didn’t do a single thing to contact me (text, email, have his assistant track me down, contact my assistant).
I don’t have any real advice. I think it depends on the partner’s temperament. I don’t know how junior/senior you are, but I often found it helpful in situations like these to ask associates who had worked with the partner longer than I had (and successfully) on the best strategy for dealing with it.
Anonymous
Frivolous question of the day. I recently bought a skirt from Nordstrom. Link below. Right after I took off the tags, I noticed that the seam is split at the (modest) thigh slit. If I keep it, I’ll have to take it to the tailor to repair. The skirt is sold out so I can’t get a replacement. I got it on sale, though I’m not sure how discounted it was. What would you do – keep the skirt and have it repaired, return it and hope they take it back without tags, reach out to Nordstrom to ask for an additional discount, or something else? I’m struggling with the idea of keeping a $150+ damaged skirt, but I also really like the skirt.
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/boss-vikilena-ponte-pencil-skirt/5269777?utm_source=email&utm_medium=transaction&utm_campaign=T400ShipCfm_100419_proddescr1&utm_channel=email_tran_ret_p&sp_source=email&sp_medium=transaction&sp_campaign=T400ShipCfm_100419_proddescr1
Anon
I would ask Nordstrom what to do. They might even have people on staff who could fix it for you.
Anonymous
+1. I took an item with a split seam back to Nordstrom with the intent of returning it, and they had a tailor repair it.
Senior Attorney
Yes, they have tailors on staff at Nordstrom so this should be easy.
OP
I should’ve mentioned – I don’t leave near a store, I ordered it online. I don’t really want to drive over an hour each way twice (to drop it off and pick it up). If I’m going to repair it, I’ll pay the $20 or whatever to the dry cleaner to spare myself 4 hours of driving.
Anon
I’d sew it up myself. I’m by no means an accomplished “sewist” but even I could manage that. And in fact, recently did that when a skirt I was wearing for a presentation became very NSFW in the middle of the day.
Mentor confusion
I am a senior associate at my big firm and am considered well-regarded by partners. More junior attorneys come to me for advice – but sometimes it feels like they are just sucking up because they have some general sense that I’m important or useful to know. It is making me question everyone’s intentions and doubt the sincerity of people who express thanks for advice or help. How do you manage this? How do you know if people are sincere? I am pleased to mentor people but I would feel really stupid if I think I’m building these strong, authentic mentoring relationships and that’s not really what is going on.
Anonymous
Hmm hard to say, could be a mix of both assuming some are astute enough to have the foresight that you’re on the rise. That being said, if I had someone like you at my firm I would be sincerely grateful.
Anon
I think you’re making this too personal. Virtually all business/professional relationships have a transactional/what’s in it for me aspect.
Mentor
I am getting to that point and I have learned that for the sake of my anxiety and my personal peace, I need to operate under the assumption that all my juniors have the best intentions in learning and working with me. I was also given a lot of support and mentoring when I was a junior and I think paying-it-forward is such a big part of our firm culture, that even if it’s for the wrong purposes, mentoring well is what we do.
anon
Just trust your gut. No junior is going to successfully fake a strong and authentic mentoring relationship for a significant amount of time (obvious narcissists and sociopaths excluded). Be judicious about how you spend your time and emotional resources but trust yourself to be able to evaluate when a relationship is genuine. Also take a step back. They probably do appreciate your advice. They probably do mean thanks, even if it’s just thanks for your time, thanks for offering to help.
Mentor confusion
OP – thanks. Writing this was a helpful gut check – part of why I doubt the advice-seekers is because I don’t really think I have much to offer. That’s something for me to explore, I guess.
Another anonymous judge
Hello, wise hive!
Seeking your advice to assist me in maintaining my Excellent Auntie status. My niece is turning 15 and I’d love to get her something special/cool for her birthday in the $100-150 range. She’s really smart and studious, not very sporty, VERY polite and delightful to talk to. Family is fabulous but not rolling in money so even something “trendy but pricey” clothing-related might be well received. I can do jewelry but would like something really unique if I picked that. Has lots of books, although loves to read so if there’s a new series out there for smart girls her age I’d try that. In the past I’ve done nice pj’s, gear from the university in my city or her cousins’ high school (so she has something different to wear to her school), fancy makeup and nail stuff. Parents are zero help – “don’t go crazy”. She’s too far from me for a joint experience gift.
I have boys slightly older and have asked them to ask their friends for me. I just really love her and want to get her something that she’ll be thrilled to open. Aunties and moms of 15-year-old girls – any advice?
Anonymous
Can you ask her directly? At this age, she probably has well developed tastes and can guide you to her favorite brands or general ideas (e.g., ankle boots, earrings, etc.) short of giving you a specific list of items she wants, if you are trying to avoid that.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
I have no ideas but just want to say that you are a VERY Excellent Auntie! :)
Does she have an Amazon Wishlist?
Mom of a teen girl
Nice headphones if she doesn’t already have a pair
Lululemon leggings
For the right kid, a boxed set of hardcover novels. My daughter is crazy for Jane Austen and wants her very own set so she doesn’t have to read my old ones.
Tickets for her and a parent or friend to the theatre or a concert
Ivory Ella t-shirt (super trendy at my kid’s school)
Barefoot Dreams cardigan for lounging, but read reviews carefully because most styles run huge
Vineyard Vines t-shirt, shep shirt, or tote bag (if she is into that sort of thing)
Lilly Pulitzer dress or gift card (again, know your audience)
If she plays a sport, t-shirt or sweatshirt for a college team she likes (not just the college but the specific sport)
HydroFlask
Flannel PJ pants
Fountain pen with ink in a neat color
Monogrammed throw
Gift card for wherever she likes to go with friends (for my teen that would be Panera or Starbucks)
Cookbooks with nice photos, if she likes to cook
Cash
Vicky Austin
Speaking as a fully-fledged adult, my folks gave me a really gorgeous hardcover set of Jane Austen last Christmas and y’all I’m STILL drooling. Boxed sets are just so nice. If there’s a series she’s loved and read to death over the years, maybe now is the time for a grown-up set?
Anonymous
Which boxed set? I want one for a gift!
Vicky Austin
Mine was from Easton Press (my dad has a thing about Really Nice Books). :)
Anon
What about something from Tiffany? Highly desirable at that age and you could probably find a sterling silver piece (earrings or charm bracelet) for $150-$200. Opening that blue box for the first time is so much fun!
Anonymous
Is Tiffany still a thing with teens? I haven’t seen any of my daughter’s friends wearing it.
Anokha
I also would have loved that at 15!
Anon
A Lululemon gift certificate for $150 would be very well received by the 15-year-olds I know.
Anon
I am 50 and would be very happy to receive a $150 Lululemkn gift card….:)
Anonymous
Does she have social media? That would be worth a look to see what her friends post about. My niece and her gang are very into ‘labels/designer’ so I’ve got her something in that budget like a designer passport cover (we are in Europe so passports used for most holidays). So possibly something small but from a fancy grow up brand like a special wallet? My niece is as excited about the designer shopping bag stuff comes in as the item itself.
Also, why not ask her! At that age getting something you want at the price is as much of a treat as a surprise.
Anonymous
What about a 50$ lovely thing and $100 cash? I remember at that age it’s nice to have a bit of independence and then she’ll come back and show you what you (your money) bought her?
Anon
Super cool sneakers or boots would be an excellent gift, but very hard for you to pick out on your own – teen style is very specific (so the above Tiffany’s suggestion would be perfect for many teens but extremely off for many others). What about a gift card to Nordstroms and then you two schedule a date to get on the phone and online at the same time for an hour and pick something out? Or she can pick 3 options in a certain price point and you get to surprise her with one of them?
Anonymous
Lululemon is super popular with teen girls in my area. The hoodies are practical and the kids think they are cool at the same time.
Anon Lawyer
You sound like an awesome auntie! Does she have wireless headphones? I wonder if AirPods or Beats headphones ($150 at Best Buy) would be appreciated?
In terms of books, I just read the Gilded Cage books by Vic James, which I bet a smart girl that age would love. I got the recommendation from a British friend and I gather they’re much more well known there than in the U.S.
SuziStockbroker
At 15, my now 17 year old girl would have wanted gift certificates, so she could shop on her own (given that you can’t do a joint experience gift):
I am Canadian so some of these brands won’t translate, but you get the idea.
– Lululemon for leggings (they wear these to school here not just for athletics)
– Roots (iconic sweatpants)
-Nice big gift card to Chapters Indigo (or better yet a local bookstore) so she could buy a whole series she wants
-Sephora (can use for skin care if she does not wear makeup, mine just wears concealer and mascara but goes through a ton of concealer and skin care. Could get one of those ultrasonic face cleaners too
-Starbucks
-Cineplex (group “dating” going to movies is something my 15 year old son seems to be doing a lot of lately and there are always girls in his group)
-If she goes to an urban school and can leave school grounds at lunch time, my kids love Subway and Pizza Pizza gift cards
-a good piece of classic clothing if she has stopped growing and is responsible with her clothes. I buy my daughter decent stuff from Aritizia that doesn’t fall apart, in classic styles (examples are a cashmere-merino blend sweater or scarf/wrap, and a green “army” jacket
-Blundstones (my daughters feet stopped growing at 14. She gets ton of wear out of these).
anon a mouse
Does she live somewhere with a cold winter? Sorel boots could be an option. Or a Patagonia puffer (short or long).
I second the AirPods rec too.
Annony
Maybe a cool purse? Or I just bought myself some Dr Martens in the “wild botanica print” …
Another anonymous judge
Thanks, ladies! You are the best. Lots of fab ideas for this Canadian (but-willing-to-shop-over-the-border( Auntie. xx
Gail the Goldfish
I’ve been catalogs from a couple of companies I’ve never heard of recently that look promising. Has anyone ever bought anything from Ravella (silk & cashmere) or Pure Collection (cashmere, mostly)? If so, thoughts on quality?
Also, does anyone have suggestions for other lesser-known companies for work clothes? I’m kind of tired of all the usual mall suspects (or what used to be in malls). I love the look of UK brands like Reiss, Hobbs, etc, but they’re a bit pricey for me. I want to love MM LaFleur, but their stuff just never seems to fit me right.
Anonymous
I just ordered from Pure last year. Their blouses had sort of a Theory fit. If you don’t like MM LaFleur because there is no shoulder room (my problem), I would give Pure a pass. Hobbs and Basler have about the same fit as Escada, so if you don’t like MM La Fleur because the chest is too small, you might try those brands. The other less expensive brands I have tried all have too much polyester for my taste.
anne-on
I think Pure collection is owned by Boden? I’ve ordered a few things, good quality stuff for the price. For cashmere Lord and Taylor’s house brand is VERY good for the price, especially on Black Friday/Cyber Monday.
I sale stalk Hobbs on Bloomingdales and grab it there when it’s 25% off sale price time. I’m a broken record, but I really think Brooks Brothers red fleece line is VERY good quality for the cost – similar to old school JCrew quality, and a total steal during their midyear sales.
Anon
FYI, You can get Reiss at a decent discount in Reiss stores and on the Bloomie’s sales racks.
Gail the Goldfish
Sadly I live nowhere near a Reiss or a Bloomingdale’s. I forget about Brooks Brothers but may have to try their red fleece stuff.
Samantha
I’ve bought a number of silk blouses from Ravella and have been very impressed. I love their blouses. Color, fabric, fit all just right. Their silk fabric quality is the best of the many brands I’ve tried (both the big well-known brands and smaller boutique brands). Would definitely give them a try (they offer free returns too).