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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lenore Lady Blazer in Bouclé Tweed

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woman wears a cropped green tweed jacket with flap pockets and front buttons over a light blue shirt and blue jeans.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This is a blazer that I can absolutely picture existing in my great-grandmother’s closet, but that doesn’t make me want it any less. The avocado-green color, pockets, and covered buttons look vintage-inspired, but still contemporary.

My great-grandmother would have worn it with coordinating trousers and a vibrant earring/necklace matching set, but I would probably stick with some gold studs and a midi skirt for the office. 

The blazer is $328 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 000-24. It also comes in ivory, on sale for $194.50.

Psst – we just did a big hunt for lady jackets and blazers!

Sales of note for 4/17:

  • Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
  • Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
  • Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
  • Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
  • Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
  • Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Spring Sale Event – Buy More, save more! 10% off $250+, 15% off $500+, 20% off $750+, 25% off $1000+ (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off if you find any exclusions.)
  • Sephora – Spring sale! 20%, 15%, or 10% off depending on your membership tier; ends 4/20. Here's everything I recommend in the sale!
  • Talbots – Spring sale! 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

300 Comments

  1. Any tips on glamping? I’ve never camped at all but am willing to try for my sons… how much is it roughing it still? Open to 4-6 hour driving radius from Pittsburgh, thank u!

    1. I am not a fan of glamping. What I do with my kids is book a cabin at a site. It’s still very basic but you have a proper door and you aren’t dealing with a collapsing tent in the middle of the night.

      I also do the cabin for 5 days and then check us in to a 5 star hotel for 2 days!

      1. we’ve stayed at KOA cabins that are great for this! a lot of state parks have them too. I’m in the SEUS though, so no specific Pittsburgh recs, sorry!

      3. Isn’t camping in a cabin glamping? That’s how I and a lot of people I know use the term.

    2. Depends on the site. The only glamping I’ve done had a proper bed and bedding and an electric blanket, so it was pretty nice other than having to walk outside to reach the bathroom.

      If you’ve never camped, it’s way easier than gathering all the necessary equipment for tent camping.

      One thing to consider is if there are other bookings near you and what kind of noise others might make.

    3. Not sure what is near Pittsburg but I did Glamping with Under Canvas out west, twice and I will tell you it was like staying in a great hotel! I was surprised how nice it was! I do prefer the places that have some food on site, rather than no food at all, since a lot of times they are located in a somewhat remote place. I would definitely recommend to anyone even if they say they don’t like camping.

    4. It really depends on the site what they mean. Can be anything from mini-houses with no facilities to stand-up-in-it tents already put up for you. What is the bathroom situation? Do you need to walk to it in the dark?
      At a minimum:
      crocs (for walking to any facilities and as camp shoes that you can go outside in)
      hot hands (because comfort helps)
      small cooler for drinks and snacks and some way to heat water / make coffee if that is important to your sanity
      If you make a fire, pls think of fire safety and have water and a shovel handy and know how to make sure a camp fire is safely put out for the night. If possible, any kid active in scouts will be a huge help, so invite a friend possibly.

      1. Also: headlamps! Even if where you are inside has electricity or a lantern, you may find it helpful to necessary to have a headlamp since it gets dark outside so early. Can’t hurt: nalgene bottle for water (ask about the water situation; some places have just in bathhouses or turn off water pipes in the winter), advil, bandaids, camp chair for sitting around campfire, wood (should be local to the area you’re in; they may have wood or maybe you can burn found wood; always check for local burn bans).

    5. It very much depends. In my area (Northern California), there are lots of places where it’s like a fancy safari set up or a hotel room without a private bathroom. I would absolutely do that. Bringing your own things to make a site nice is not my jam.

    6. Can you try camping in your back yard as a way to ease into “roughing it” while still having creature comforts near at hand?

      My circle of friends has one glamper who insists on bringing a full cot, a small generator, a fan, electric lights, loads of gear and decor, a full cooler with loads of ice, etc., even when we are at a hike-in location far from parking. We don’t invite that friend camping any longer because the rest of us carry all our own gear in our packs and have gotten tired of lugging that friend’s excess stuff along. That friend now only gets invited if we book a glamping weekend at the bougie A-frame cabin with fairy lights and a mini-fridge.

      1. Me. I would be that friend. Sometimes it’s OK to know that going without electricity and being hot isn’t for you. I’ve stayed in air-conditioned trailer sorts of set-ups in very rural wooded areas (fridge, no microwave), and that felt close enough to enjoying nature without feeling gross. The A-frame sounds lovely.

        1. Hard same. In my middle age, I have no desire to camp, but I’d stay in an A-frame or cabin that had electricity without any question (even if it was pretty “rustic”).

          The OP didn’t ask about camping advice, and specifically wanted recommendations for glamping, so I’m not sure where the idea to pitch a tent in the backyard or the upset about folks who don’t want to camp came from?

          1. I’m suggesting the back yard because it’s really, really easy to ditch the whole idea if hearing night sounds wigs you out too much. Kind of sucks to drive 6 hours to make this discovery at 2am in a yurt with oodles of stuff you need to haul back to your car.

            Or who knows? OP may realize that seeing the stars while walking to the pit vault in the night is very zen and peaceful, and that a little dirt in the sleeping bag is a fine trade off for seeing the kids have a blast in the woods together.

            Just like you are free to scroll by with or without commenting, I am free to add thoughts you may not like.

          2. No one is saying you’re not allowed. I offered my thoughts, just like you did, even if you don’t like them.

          4. OP actually DID state that she was willing to try camping for her sons’ sake. Suggesting a backyard trial is a reasonable suggestion. It’s odd that you feel the need to police people responding to OP (and then pretend you weren’t).

    7. I hate camping. Glamping is having a decent bed in your tent, and getting up in the middle of the night to walk to a central bathroom and shower. I would go with a rustic cabin instead. Less buggy and more comfortable.

    8. Following with interest. I’ve only ever glamped at a music festival and it was much better than car camping. The tent had an AC unit, access to nicer shared mobile bathrooms, and kept out the bugs. Those are pretty much my requirements for summer camping on the east coast: I need to be able to cool off and bathe fully and not be carried away by creepy crawlies in the night.

      DH is into camping. I grew up in the midatlantic where camping means pitching a tent in/near a swamp where you get to choose between being eaten alive by mosquitoes or cowering under your sleeping bag in 100 degree heat and 90% humidity. I spent many childhood nights lying awake in the sweaty, sticky, itchy, buzzing darkness willing the sun to come up. If I ever camp again, it has to be somewhere that the darkness doesn’t come alive with roiling swarms of biting insects.

    9. I am an avid camper, and I’ve booked glamping accommodation for family members who are not campers to participate in some parts of a trip that I planned. If you’re looking into this because your sons want to go camping, I would investigate what they actually want to experience. There are plenty of cabins with hiking trails and water features nearby that can get them a good outdoorsy experience and you wouldn’t need to camp. If they actually want to rough it, they probably wouldn’t enjoy it with you, given you’d be miserable and likely grouchy.

      1. +1 to this — glamping is such a broad term you gotta figure out what you need/want, or you might book the wrong thing

        Like nits and grits: is it the sleeping outside part? The not having a real mattress? Indoor plumbing (hot shower?)

        And what do you want to get out of it – like is roasting marshmallows at a campfire really important? Or is it waking up and feeling isolated in nature? Being close to trails?

        You can get pretty any combination of roughing it + luxury you want these days though!

    10. It’s really nice not to have to put up tents on your own. Glamping places vary wildly, so check and see what they have before you start buying stuff. My motto for camping is “don’t be a hero.” It’s OK to have paper plates, easy meals, air mattresses, all the little things that make traveling more pleasant. If you’re a coffee person, bring some cold brew concentrate or instant to make a cup (or three) when you wake up.

      My biggest tip is to print out directions to the site on paper, or at least screenshot the directions because you will often lose phone service in rural areas. Also bring cash in case you need to buy wood or the one store in town doesn’t do ApplePay, etc.

  2. Does anyone have a recommendation for a salon in DC that can do hairstyling for a black-tie event? Bonus points if it’s open on Monday mornings because I don’t think I’ll have time to go over the weekend and the event starts in the early afternoon. Thanks!

    1. I went to Asola in Fairfax before a black tie event. Absolutely recommend it.

      I went about six hours before the ball started (and the ball ran for six hours). My stylist deliberately made my hair too curly at first; it looked perfect by the time I got there, and wasn’t flat at 2 am.

  3. I’m looking for a looser-fit workout tank, that isn’t belly-baring but also isn’t tunic-length on my 5’4″ frame, that fits a bigger bust without gaping at the armholes. Does this exist? Bonus points if it doesn’t have a prominent logo.
    The Vuori Energy tank top looks promising. Can anyone comment on it?

    2. There’s a $25 one from Under Armour that was recommended here and it worked perfectly for me with the same body type. I forget the exact name but it should be a bestseller on their website.

      1. That was probably me. It is the UA Tech Team. It’s cheap, long enough to tuck in if you want (I tuck when doing something where I lean over and the shirt falls up; YMMV, but nobody needs to see my naked belly) and has excellent armhole coverage. I can raise my arms over my head and am still covered.

      1. Oiselle comes in XXS, XS, S and M. it does not fit non-runner twiglet-types. I hate that their sizing is not inclusive.

      2. Contra the previous reply, I am definitely not a twiglet type and Oiselle works for me. Many of their tops come in numbered sizes up to at least 14; I think some go higher and while I understand if folks want to see a broader range from them, “XXS, XS, S, and M” is inaccurate.

        1. Same — I am a wannabe runner and only good at buying gear. But I have liked the items I have from them and they fit (10-12 woman with hips).

        2. Same. Also, there are truly non-inclusive running brands out there (I’m looking at you Tracksmith — My marathon runner husband bought running shorts from them in his usual size, and they fit my 11 year old daughter perfectly….), and Oiselle does a great job of showcasing lots of body types and looks on its website as well, which I appreciate as a running brand.

    5. I have the Vuori energy tank. It would be the right length for you, but it does show my sports bra at the armholes. I have found myself grabbing Target tanks more than the Vuori ones though– they have a looser fit.

    6. I’ve gotten a few that are like this from the sales rack at lululemon for $29, but I don’t know what they are called. They seem to make them regularly in different colors.

    7. I’m surprised Athleta hasn’t been mentioned yet. They have a good range of stuff that accommodates a generous bust!

  4. I have been casually watching the Lincoln Lawyer, and it struck me how much more natural the two female leads (Neve Campbell and Becki Newton) look than the rest of Hollywood. I’m not naive enough to think they have had no plastic surgery, botox, or fillers, but their faces are still very expressive, lips are not overfilled, and we can see visible wrinkles. (Also it’s nice to see age appropriate casting.) I had not realized how used to the Instagram look I had become. I am currently considering botox, and this was a “wait a minute, not so fast” moment for me. Any other similar actresses or shows to check out?

    1. Not Hollywood but I thought Eileen Shiffrin, Mikaela Shiffrin’s mom, also looked great and age-appropriate at the Olympics. Women who work outdoors all day do a number on their skin and she’s managing it well. Plus I love their relationship!

    2. I think it’s more just a difference between the Hollywood look and the Insta look? Overfilled lips and appearing very “done” is a 20-something influencer or wannabe actress look, not a 40- or 50-something successful actress look. Both women are beautiful but to me they don’t look “natural,” just expensive.

    3. Compare Nicole Kidman (recently played a mom with young kids, her face hasn’t moved in decades) to Claire Danes (Homeland era, which wasn’t all that recent). Homeland Claire’s face moves in a way I’m not used to seeing. Keri Russell also maybe?

      1. Agree with both and this and the insta vs actress observation above.
        I also think it’s partly the difference between seeing a person on film vs. thru a filter, in addition to the aesthetics of it all. I had a similar thought watching Platonic on Apple TV; Rose Byrne is still absolutely gorgeous and genetically blessed but her face shows wrinkles and age in a way that surprised me (in the best way, even if she may have had some small interventions). Great show, too, btw. Highly recommend for a laugh.

    5. Mimi Rodgers in Bosch, she looks amazing, and very expressive.

      Olivia Coleman, Rachel Weisz and Julia Roberts all look amazing and alive.

    6. Claire and Keri are very much leading this trend for me. And maybe Kirsten Dunst.

      Also rose Byrne I think?

      It is not just refreshing it is relief and excitement to see them and frankly I find them all sooooo much s*xier.

  5. Can anyone recommend a personal finance book that starts where most end – debts paid, retirement maxed, lots in savings. Whats next? Trusts? FIRE? Angel investing?

    2. How much is “lots”? I would say that describes us and we don’t have a formal plan except working until we no longer want to work (which in my husband’s case will likely be well past 65) and enjoying the money in a responsible way. But we have a 7 figure net worth, 8+ is pretty different. Angel investing feels like setting money on fire to me, but YMMV.

        1. Angel investing shouldn’t even be something on your radar.

          Perhaps start reading the Bogleheads sites.

          1. I mean, they’re saying external to house and retirement. Without knowing how fully funded those are, I don’t know that this answer makes sense. If they have an additional $2.5+ in those assets, they’re in a different position than if they’re under $1.

    3. I work in commercial real estate and I’m finding my way in to investing in some deals. It’s not an obvious thing to do if you don’t have access to the network already, but we’ll probably take smaller chunks – $25k maybe – and invest in a couple of deals trusted friends are buying. I’d do that a million times before angel investing.

      1. Same and agree! I invest between $50k and $100k in several deals. If you know anyone in commercial real estate, you can ask who they trust and invest their money with. They can make an intro.

  6. Halp! I have raggedy cuticles. I got the blue Sally Hansen exfoliating gel and a moisturizing oil and have been trying to push my cuticles back. Now they look even more raggedy. Do I just need to keep at it?

    1. I am a cuticle picker with raggedy cuticles and have found the only thing that works for me is to get a manicure frequently and use cuticle cream or oil every night. And I do mean every night. I really can’t even skip one night. I hate doing this but I force myself to do it as it really does work.

    2. Gently push them back in the shower once they are soft. Jojoba oil after the shower, more oil and lotion as needed during the day, and the very hardest part: stop picking or trimming or biting or otherwise attempting to remove them.

    3. It’s not just you – this winter has been hard on hands! I’ve been using Neccessaire hand retinol and then a rich hand cream on top of it when I go to bed to combat the dryness. Also, wearing gloves outside when it’s cold makes a big difference.

      If my cuticles are really raggedy, I’ve made a homemade scrub with olive oil and kosher salt. Massage that on damp hands for as long as you can stand it, focusing on the cuticles, and then rinse. It can get the little hangnails off.

    4. I’ve been using Burt’s Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream. It works because it’s a very simple process (just rub some on my fingertips) and I do it every day (tbh, at work when I’m checking email for the first thing in the am).

    5. Make sure to use an actually moisturizing cream on your cuticles, vs. just an occlusive oil. I find that occlusives actually make my cuticles dryer, and thus more prone to be picked at. I use Nivea cream in a little flat tin from the drug store a few times per day and it keeps my cuticles moisturized and less irritated, so less picked at.

      Another trick I discovered is mixing baking soda with coconut oil and using it as a scrubby paste to exfoliate my cuticles. Once or twice a week is enough. Add a drop of essential oil for a nice smell. Rub on each cuticle and then just rinse with water.

    6. Simply Nailogical and Polished Lab Rat have many great tutorials on YouTube.
      1) clean nails
      2) cuticle remover gel, and use an orange stick (not metal)
      3) use oil, you don’t need that much, one drop. Jojoba oil and vitamin e oil absorb the best. If your nails are painted, it still helps to rub on the cuticle and under the nail. Use every time you wash your hands, use lotion, and especially as you go to bed.
      4) limit water- wear gloves

  7. For those who might be interested in the ivory version of this jacket, the ivory does not have the dreaded chest pockets (said as someone who does not need either additional bulk or attention to that area).

  8. These jackets are giving me the best nostalgia for the 1980s/1990s boiled wool jackets, which my mom had and I eagerly borrowed. The gave off a whiff of Maria in the Sound of Music vibes and would work well with today’s longer fuller skirts (and jeans). I am short and the various J Crew wool jacket iterations have worked well for me (5-4). The sweater type one IMO read too casual to be as versatile as the jacket type ones.

    1. These cropped jackets do work well with current high-waisted and fuller skirts and pants. But I wonder when that trend will pass and we’ll be stuck with all these short jackets that don’t work anymore?

      1. I feel that by then, some pieces will be too worn to work for the office and may be donated. But my shape isn’t changing and my height definitely isn’t, so who knows? Before this, some stuff was so oversized that I could have just used my dad’s jackets.

      2. If you’re my mom, hang onto them until they come back around and your 37 year old daughter wants them.

    2. I have two boiled wool sweater jackets that I got from Brooks Brothers a few years ago that are gorgeous, but I got them a size too small. It’s killing me, but I can’t get rid of them in case no one at good will appreciates how cool they are. It’s just like you said, they give Sound of Music vibes!

  9. I keep running across younger female colleagues (but not fresh from undergrad) who speak in an exaggeratedly cute way. Like the tone for “byyyye.” Not their normal voice because I hear them speak normally at other times; this comes out usually one on one. (E.g., “I’m confuuuused,” like it’s cute that they’re confused.) It drives me nuts and reads as unprofessional, but maybe I’m an Old. Some are peers, some are people I manage.

    Would you say something?

    1. No, I would not say something unless I am formally in a position of professionally mentoring or coaching them AND I have noticed it impacting their ability to be taken seriously by others (i.e., your direct reports are doing it when speaking with clients or senior executives and it isn’t being taken well). Never would I volunteer anything about this to a peer.

      If they just talk like this amongst themselves and you say something, you have entered BEC territory.

      1. Yeah, I don’t care how people talk to each other. I care when I’m trying to get a project status or give feedback and the other person is responding like an anime character. I do think it’s a style choice, not an involuntary mannerism.

        Thanks for the input!

        1. For those you manage, maybe, maybe you could say something but I think you need to own it as your own foible and realize it is going to paint you as somewhat judgy and out of touch. “I know this is my own issue but I find it distracting enough that I am going to make a request: would you minimize the vocal fry/upspeak/valley girl/baby talk when we are running through your project updates? I struggle to focus on the material content of what you are saying.”

          1. I am not sure I would say this as it sounds very gendered, tbh. I think if you want to say something, I would instead focus on the substance of these comments. If you have someone say to you, “Ugh I’m so confuuuuuused!” try to just very seriously say, “Confused?” or “what exactly is confusing you?” — I think if said in a serious tone, this may be sufficient to communicate that you are not charmed by the way this person is talking to you and they may alter their manner accordingly.

            When I was just out of law school, I worked with someone who would very seriously respond to any questions that new attorneys asked that they could have easily looked up on their own by dramatically saying, “let’s go look that up, shall we?” and pulling a book out. It was generally very effective for making you not want to be the person who asked such a question.

          2. Direct quote from a comms professional in my office who speaks to the press on behalf of a giant bank. On the phone with her apartment building
            “The keypad? on my door? is broken?” . Is it or isn’t it?

          3. “I know this is my own issue but I find it distracting …”
            Starting a sentence like this a great way to never get taken seriously in your office again.

            OP, I’ve heard this couched as either a lack of executive presence or, for more junior folks, an inability to present this person to business counterparts within the company. It’s a legitimate reason people are demoted, siloed, and laid off.

    2. That does sound annoying, but I definitely would not say anything. Comments on a co-worker’s personal mannerisms will not be well received. I might give my daughter this type of advice (and she would be irritated by it), but it’s not your place to do that at work.

      1. Agree with this take. Perhaps 10 years ago, one of my daughters used “like” incessantly – several times in a single sentence. Drove me bananas. Finally, and quite rudely, I started openly counting on my fingers every time she used it (at home, not in public). Made her furious at the time, but she thanks me today. Women, especially young women, have so much trouble being taken seriously, and it makes me crazy when they undermine themselves this way. These days, I try to listen to The Official Pitt podcast after every episode drops, but the young female host has this same mannerism, and it detracts from her otherwise very solid and intersting thoughts about the show. Wish there were someone at HBO who would help her!

        1. Counterpoint: my mom did this to me and I found it (and still find it) condescending, rude, and obnoxious. It also did not work, and I do not feel gratitude for the tactic.

          [And FWIW, I am now a tenured English professor at a fairly prestigious university, so my “like” habit did not get in the way of professional successes.]

          2. Very well, typically — professionally, I’m in a world of constant feedback regarding presentations, teaching, and publications. Personally, I also am open to critique and feedback. I’m quite coachable.

            But the way my mom pursued this point (and the way this person seems to be doing it) isn’t critique or feedback, exactly. It’s rude and snappish. That is not something I respond to particularly well.

        2. I was neither rude nor snappish, thank you. I knew my kid extremely well, and it worked for us. Not for you. That is life. I don’t draw any conclusions about you from your experience; please extend the same courtesy to me.

          1. Maybe you weren’t rude and snappish. I have no idea. That said, YOU said you “quite rudely” started openly counting her tics on your fingers. I was responding both to your own description of your own behavior as well as offering my own experience within this broader conversation.

      2. I have a colleague that uses so much vocal fry that I have trouble listening and understanding anything she’s saying. And on top, every sentence ends with a higher pitch as if it’s a question?

        Another talks so fast and mumbled on Zoom that half of their words get lost. This has been noticed by others, as several people usually ask them to repeat what she’s just said.

        I’m sure I have my own quirks when speaking that are annoying to others, but those two drive me insane.

        1. I talked to a law clerk in my office who did the upspeak thing and, far worse, responded to questions with affirmative statements punctuated with question marks. It really undermined her credibility and left the person who sent the initial inquiry uncertain as to whether the clerk had researched and found the answer or was guessing and asking if you agreed with her hunch. I told her as much and said that she needed to convey confidence, esp as a woman. I believe saying something to her likely helped her in her career.
          I’m not sure the OP’s situation is perfectly parallel, though.

    4. Would you still want to say something if it were a younger male colleague speaking this way?

      1. Men don’t do this sort of thing, because they are not socialized to think it’s appealing for them to seem babyish, helpless, or dumb. Rather, quite the opposite.

        1. This has not been my experience in the workplace. Are you only thinking of men who are cis, white, straight, native English speakers, etc.?

          1. Shrugs. I can think of several young men at work who would say things like “kthxbai!!!”

    5. people you manage- if it’s going to impact their opportunities (like if you think they couldn’t present to a larger group confidently, or negotiate confidently, etc). If it’s just on occasion when you’re 1-1, eh, maybe not.

      peers, def no.

      1. I’m a lawyer and wonder about this often. For very junior lawyers, how do you even know if they can step up their game in front of clients or a judge? Do you all actually have discussions with them or do mock presentations? There are so many juniors here that I might use behind the scenes but I’m hesitant to put in front of anyone because of how little confidence they inspire (and I didn’t hire them, but like to think that everyone else we interviewed was worse and at least their grades or schools were good).

        1. I’m a lawyer too. That’s part of why it jumps out to me–gravitas is (in my head) an industry expectation.

          I’ve seen people who can switch it on and off and seem pretty able to not offend clients or judges (but aren’t respected behind their backs), and people who can’t (and tend to skew unprofessional in other ways too).

          I cannot figure out what this choice is meant to accomplish. Cameraderie?

        2. Have them do mock presentations with video and audio recordings. If you don’t want to do it yourself, send them to NITA.

    7. It’s code switching. It means they see you as one of them. Calling it out is likely to harm the relationship.

      1. Agree. And I think by “one of them” it means they trust you, not that they don’t respect you (if we’re taking about a subordinate). They are trusting that you know and appreciate their competency and aren’t going to judge them on surface level characteristics like how they speak.

        I’m not saying that’s a great tactic on their part, since obviously how we present ourselves affects how others perceive our competence. But I think it’s worth taking into account that this is likely what’s going on. If you want them to speak more formally 1 on 1 with you, then model the diction and tone you want and I imagine they will catch on and that will become the “code” between you and them.

      2. I’m not sure that switching ever happens tho. Texting my friends vs giving a pitch are fundamentally different. I feel like the rounds always use their texting voice.

      3. It’s only code switching when they turn it on and off. Otherwise they are just cash me ousside.

          1. She does not, in fact, state that they turn it on and off. She does convey that it isn’t their default voice, but that isn’t the same as code-switching.

    8. Hahaha, it drives me nuts, too. I’ve been advised by our HR manager to let it go (we’re work friends.)

    9. I wouldn’t say anything since these are adult women who don’t report to you. However, I’d be very mindful about assigning them work with you, or to committees, etc. They seem rather immature, and you don’t want to deal with negative consequences from that.

    10. I’d say something to myself about my bias against a normal way other women speak.

  10. Has anyone use Strivectin or any “tightening” cream? Do they work? Is it just hope in a bottle? I’m at the age where I’d be getting a lower facelift if I were an actress or maybe in real estate (where a lot of marketing materials focus your face as if negotiating skill were an afterthought), but that’s not me. I just want to look good for my age, and not half of my age (and am at the point where I think that all spies should be older women because we are basically invisible to the point of being able to overhear everything).

    1. I can’t speak to creams, but I have the same concerns and zero interest in a facelift. Next month I’ll have the first of 3 monthly RF micro needling sessions for skin tightening/collagen building. I’ll report back on my results. In my LCOL city, the 3 treatments cost $2500.

      1. This may be the one thing big cities actually do cheaper because of the amount of practitioners. I did 2 sessions of RF microneedling and 1 sofwave session for $1800 in the Boston burbs. I definitely got a lot of glowiness, evenness, and some tightening but it didn’t last much beyond 18 months. I’m not back to square 1, but I also realized that if I’ll be paying $2-3k yearly in my 40s I’d rather save up for a facelift or surgical work of some sort.

        1. I hear you and yet I don’t have the downtime for something like that and absolutely zero tolerance for any unexpected / unwanted results, which are likely to be permanent. I’d rather do more small interventions than run the non-zero risk of all of the stuff in the surgical consent form.

          2. Here is a warning: only do Botox on your upper face. Anything near the mouth is going to make you feel like you just had dental work done (or worse, like you had a stroke). If you are used to making sounds with your lips or using a straw, you don’t want to lose that feeling, especially if you do things with others like eat together. It may just be trading problems if you try it for lower face issues like sagging.

          4. That’s fair, I just hate seeing people spend $$ on creams when $$$ on lasers/injectables is the only thing that will actually do what they want.

    2. It’s hope in a bottle. My dermatologist has confirmed that there is simply nothing OTC that will noticeably tighten skin, and even lasers will only tighten a small amount (centimeters at most). His advice is if the improvement you’d like to see involves lifting or pinching an inch plus of skin only surgery would address that.

      1. I think I’m just looking for a centimeter. I can’t imagine inches on a face (maybe with lots of weightloss elsewhere in the body).

        1. Lasers and/or microneedling is the only way you’ll see those results, not in a cream.

    3. I did chin lipo and I regret nothing. Hereditary, made me look heavier than I am. Best money I spent in 2022.

    4. I like strivectin because you felt it moisturized my neck and décolletage better than my normal face moisturizer. That area tends to get more dry, especially in the winter, than my always-oily face, so I think it needs a bit of pampering.

      I think it makes my neck lines look less noticeable because it moisturizes so well, and I think that’s the effect you see in some of the pictures. But I don’t think it’s actually tightening anything. I go to a plastic surgeon for Botox and he said the only thing to do for my jowls and neck is a lower facelift. Ugh.

      1. I am also a fan of strivectin and see a difference when I use it. That said, if you’re already at the point where you’re considering a lower face lift (!!) then a cream is not going to give you what you’re looking for.

  11. OMG do people (like Hollywood people) ever get so much work done that their iPhone refuses to recognize them? I watched some awards shows recently and some people are just not in their prior faces.

    1. Yes, happened to a friend of mine. It’s the ultimate litmus test of whether the procedure was indeed natural!

      2. My license and Global entry photo were both taken when I had bangs, which I no longer have. One of the last times I flew it took two(!!) agents to confirm that yes, it was me, just without bangs now. The photos are only a few years old, but it reminded me of when people do not recognize Zooey Deschanel when she pins her bangs back or when she’s blonde.

        1. That’s hilarious! I feel like I look pretty unrecognizeable to my Global Entry photo (it’s ~10 years old and I’ve gained a lot of weight) but I’ve had no issues. I guess hair is the critical thing! Remind me not to get bangs.

    3. None of us are in our prior faces (says the woman in her 50s). Sometimes I catch a look of myself in a reflective surface and my first thought is “mom?”

      The question is whether your inevitable new face is something you are happy with or something you are not. And if you are not happy, what (if anything) you want to do about it. I do not mind my smile lines and am leery of filler on my cheekbones. But I did Botox and filler between my eyebrows, so I do not look like I am scowling all the time. And I am not ruling out more because age bias is a real thing.

      Women, particularly women who make their living from their appearance, cannot win. Get “too much” work and people make snarky remarks. Get visibly older and you become invisible.

    6. I think they get a new iPhone every time one is released, so the iPhone isn’t looking at their 2018 face.

  12. I want to update my jewelry and am looking at demi-fine yellow gold over sterling pieces from Missoma, Aurate, and Monika Vinader. Any other brands I should add to this list, and are there any noticeable differences in quality among these brands?

    2. These plated pieces are like setting your money on fire. Buy fewer pieces but real gold and they will hold their value. I just sold some dented gold earrings for an unbelievable price because gold prices are up.

    3. Buy high-end fake like Melinda Maria or real gold. I found au rate to be overpriced and also photographed in ways that things were misleadingly sized.

      1. +1 – secondhand real gold pieces or costume (baublebar, jennifer behr, alexis bittar, etc.). Smaller creators on etsy are also a great option. I miss Geegaws and Gimcracks, an old poster, she had gorgeous pearls!
        Ted Muehling is another good option, as are museum stores.

  13. Thanks to NJ, I need to go to a live CLE program, like for a day or weekend. I remember some very luxe ones pre-COVID, sort of like a “law and literature” retreat or skiing with some lectures at brunch and over drinks. Do those things still exist? I’m self-funding, so willing to pay for something either very good or very enjoyable sometime in 2026. I’m not in NJ, but as long as there is reciprocity, it should all be fine (and it usually is).

    1. CHeck out NYSBA. They have a really interesting arb and mediation weekend program and others, and they are reasonably priced.

  14. Is there a professional service that will harden my nails? A type of manicure I should ask for?
    My weak nails have finally, finally started to grow to a decent length. I am polishing with nail hardening polish daily. But is there something more that a salon can do to protect the length? I know my nails cannot survive gel. I have heard of “dip” but don’t really know anything about it or whether it is equally hard on nails. Help for a manicure novice?

    1. I’m about to get all the comments on this, but I’m a dip manicure lover. I have healthy but naturally bendy nails, and am/was a natural nail-biter. My natural nails don’t break – they tear, and having length was hard for me, even with gel polish (in part because it would lift and peel toward the end of the manicure’s life, which damaged my nails).

      I’ve been happily getting dip/powder manicures for about 2.5 years now, and it’s the best my hands and nails have ever looked. I’m hard on my hands (I type and lift weights) and I can easily get 3 to 4 weeks (depending on growth rate).

      I haven’t noticed damage to my natural nails under the dip, which is removed every time I go in (i.e. no fills – it’s fully filed off/the last bits are removed with acetone). My nails underneath still feel like they did prior to dip, but have been protected so that I can have length. That said, my nail tech is very careful about removal and nail prep.

      All that said – my dip nails end up being a lot thinner than say, acrylics, but they don’t feel “natural.” They don’t bend, and you defintely get a grow out line over the course of the weeks between new applications.

      1. Not OP but thank you for this info. Like you, I have very bendy nails that peel/tear and I am a nail picker so they always look horrendous. I think I’m going to to press ons for a few weeks to get a little more length and then try dip.

      2. I do something really similar – dip powder base to strengthen the nails, with gel on top. They’re really strong and way prettier than my natural nails ever were.

        I think a lot of the health of the nails comes down to the nail tech and their skill. My nail tech owns her business and has done this for 25+ years and is just really very excellent at doing nails and keeping them healthy. When I was starting to get my nails done I kept bouncing around to different salons with whoever could get me in, and I noticed a really large difference. The final straw is when I went one place and then within a week my (not long) nails just started snapping off. I have no idea what they did differently but it was something. So I committed to my very good (very booked) nail tech and just be sure to schedule my appointments out.

        1. 100% the nail tech makes all the difference. If they rush the removal, dip will damage your nails. I went to the same place for years and my nails were great. My tech left and I let someone else do them and it took month for the damage to grow out. Ask around and be prepared to pay a little more for someone who will take their time.

        2. Agreed entirely that the nail tech makes the difference. I see the same woman every time, and she’s the salon owner. Not only is she excellent at removal and making it as gentle as possible, but she’s also meticulous about shaping and filing the actual nail enhancement so they look more natural and less bulky.

      3. Counterpoint: I got a couple dip manicures and my nails were wrecked afterward. It took several months to grow out the damage. The manicures looked great but I didn’t want to keep up with it (time, expense, inhaling god knows whatever is in that fine powder).

        1. That’s a totally fair counterpoint, and I certainly am not evangelizing anyone to get a service that they don’t feel comfortable with – just sharing my experience.

          FWIW: I think a big part of why I have had a good experience is the particular nail tech I see, and her removal and application methods. I’ve definitely seen horror stories both online and in person!

      4. OP – Thank you. I remember this remark in every way, but add all the cooking and cleaning and yard work to stressors on the nails. I may try to find a reputable place to do a dip and see.

    2. Take the right multivitamin. I swear nails are the first thing the body sacrifices if it’s a little low in some relevant mineral.

      1. OP – I do think this may be part of the reason for the growth. I’ve been taking those hair and nail vitamins.

  15. I struggle with not letting my husband’s mood affect me – he’s normally very laid-back but every now and then will be grumpy in a way I can only describe as surprising. I think it’s the “out of the blue” part that bugs me because I think we’re in for our usual cheerful morning and all of a sudden that’s the day he’s going to be edgy about being tired (we have a toddler). I admit this is my problem to solve because people are allowed to be grumpy sometimes (and it’s not his fault I grew up in a household where I had to tiptoe around someone’s bad moods – very different from what we have now but sometimes it all comes roaring back). Any practical advice for me? I want to find a way to just move on and not let my own good mood be tarnished even if he has a storm cloud over his head.

    1. Well, it depends what you’re prioritizing–your good mood, or household harmony. It sounds like neither of you are doing anything wrong in this instance, so it might be the case that you do out of the house errands to keep the distance while his mood regulates, or figure out a way to let him nap, to keep some harmony.

      1. Of the two of us, I’m better at saying “I’m just annoyed at x, I’ll be fine in a minute” and communication in general. He’ll definitely pick up on a mysterious bad mood, though, and has trouble staying unaffected. Yes, we probably have some codependent issues.

    3. I don’t think this is your problem to solve alone though? Come up with strategies with him.

      I think sometimes DH and I each try to power through our bad mood days and it has the opposite of the intended effect. Instead of being there for everyone, we drag everyone down. If we would just seclude ourselves to the bedroom to have a snack and a nap then we would come out in a much better mood. We’ve had a lot of discussions about allowing each other and ourselves the grace to do that.

    4. In my household, we’ve found that the best way to handle this is to name the thing (“Hey babe, sorry, I’m feeling super grumpy today”), name what we need (“I’m going to dissociate on the couch watching YouTube until it passes”), give each other space, and allow the other person to go about their life. No kids though.

      1. OP here and I just commented up thread that that’s what I try to do but it’s something he struggles with. When he does name the problem and take a minute to decompress, it’s like there’s no storm cloud at all, but it’s very inconsistent.

        1. Do you feel safe to prompt him to take that time when he’s struggling to? How does he react, if you have in the past?

          My fiance and I are both imperfect at this when we are grumpy, but we’ve established a good routine of safety around being able to say something like “It seems like you may be having a hard time today – what would help you decompress a little?” when the other is just being kind of short and stormy. It usually snaps us out of the funk and lets us get to the heart of whatever is causing the upset mood.

    5. My marriage went down in a ball of flames, so don’t make too much advice from me. That said, this might just be a time and communication issue.

      Over time, you will learn that his grumpiness is safe. (It *is* safe… right?) He can also learn to do something like give you a long hug and say that it’s his blood sugar, work, or that your toddler woke up at 2:49 am because her toesies were cold and her stuffy fell out of bed, i.e., not you.

    6. When you notice his moods, tell yourself, “Fuh-ged-dab-oud-it” in a Brooklyn accent. Spouses will be grumpy at times. It’s not your job to bristle about it openly or try to fix it head on. Hold it lightly. Use humor. Often these things pass on their own. Sometimes the little hurts we encounter in relationships are just because of close proximity, not because of bad intentions or anything malicious. I find my husband often just wants sympathy that kids can be annoying/hard sometimes, but all he gets is my annoyance. Try to be an encourager instead. Good luck!

    7. Have you had a conversation with him about how this affects you and why, at a normal laid-back time? It’s not nice to suddenly feel the echoes of tiptoe land, and even if his being grumpy is absolutely allowed, it could be good for him to know why you might need to withdraw and that you’re not rejecting him or his feelings for being tired, but that it brings back some stuff, and you are equally allowed to avoid being sucked into old patterns.

      Any way he can be a little more aware of when he’s too stretched, so that you could at least have a heads up? Is he as surprised by the bad days as you?

  16. How and what product do you use to reapply sunscreen over makeup? E.g., I put my makeup on in the morning and plan to be outside in early afternoon.

    2. There’s a powder SPF product that comes in a click-up dispenser/wand with a brush on the end so you can just “powder” your face to get SPF. Check Ulta – it’s the only place I shop, so I know I must have seen it there.

    3. If I’m actually out in full sun, I still use my regular supergoop or elta – same as in the morning – and just pat more carefully onto my face, follow with powder to help with shine. I never feel like those powder ones fully cover, though I am a fan of them if it’s just for incidental exposure (vs say on a beach vacay). Supergoop makes one, and it is also good for getting non-greasy coverage on the top of the head!

  17. Any recommendations on Savannah Georgia? I’ll be there for one week in April and I’d love to have some things to look forward to. Open to coffee shops, $-$$ restaurants, shopping, spa, and music.

    1. NYT just did a 36 Hours in Savannah article. Had lots of restaurant/entertainment recs.

    2. I LOVED Savannah! I tried to make it to every square during my morning runs, and also enjoyed running along the river. Mostly enjoyed the beautiful scenery and that it was much warmer than home when I visited. I had a great meal at Collins Quarter.

    3. No advice on attractions, really, but dress for humidity. Also, if you’ve not read Theo of Golden, it is set in a fictional city that is clearly Savannah. It might make you appreciate the ambiance more. Even as a non-fan of Savannah, I loved ToG.

      1. Great book, but it’s actually set in a fictionalized Columbus, Georgia. You can visit the cafe and see the drawings the inspired the book.

    4. If you have any connection to Girl Scouts (or really, even if you don’t) the founder Juliette Gordon Low was born in Savannah and her house is now a museum that’s pretty interesting.

    6. We had a fantastic girls’ trip in Savannah! Reading Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil is a must before visiting Savannah. If you don’t have time then watch the movie. Great shopping on River street. Forsyth Park is an iconic and massive park. Get a tour guide for Bonaventure Cemetery – just trust me on this. A walking tour of the historic district would be fun too. Excellent meals at Kayak Cafe, Collin’s Quarter, Toast and The Grey. We went to Tybee Island, it’s a nice beach but crowded.

    7. For breakfast, I loved Clancy’s.
      Stop in at the SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) retail shop for some great items.
      I had a very romantic dinner at The Pink House, and enjoyed the food. The ambiance was not lost on me but awkward since I was dining with a female friend/colleague on a work trip, but it would have been an add if I’d been dining with someone else. It is kind of touristy, though, so exercise your discretion and check current reviews. Also, it is probably $$$.

  18. this sort of came up yesterday, do you think it is racist to say you will never visit India?

      1. Hard disagree. I’m well traveled and lived in both Asia and Europe. I have no desire to visit India. I’m not small nor provincial and pray I’m not racist. I also don’t have any desire to visit the Arctic, or Rio, or a bunch of other places (including some in the US). Some places are on my list, based on my research and prior travel experiences, and some are not. Can we just let each other be?

        1. Strongly agree with this.

          Also laughing at the idea that not being interested in India or any other specific (very far away!) place makes you “small and provincial.” Less than half of Americans have a valid passport. In some states it’s as low as 20%. I personally know many people who’ve never been out of the US. By definition anyone who is traveling internationally at all is seeing more of the world than the average American.

    2. I missed whatever discussion it was yesterday but I don’t think so unless your reasons are not wanting to visit a non-white country or something.

    3. There are a lot of places I will probably never get to. What is the background of a person announcing that they will “never” visit a place? I know a lot of people where a generation or two ago, some family member had a bad life experience in a place and now they live elsewhere in the world. I wonder if that doesn’t explain a lot of this (or a sense after horrific news events with specific places being particularly risky for women traveling alone on public transit).

    4. I think it’s fine to not be really interested in visiting India on vacation, but I do think it’s probably ignorant at best and racist at worst to say you won’t ever visit, even for an important family event. I know there were circumstances with family planning, but a blanket “we won’t be able to attend” a not yet scheduled event is odd.

      That being said, I used to work somewhere that had business in India and the travel security briefing they gave was … notable. I would probably only travel there for pleasure if it was through a guided tour.

      1. i’ve been to india once as a toursit and i’d prefer to never go back – idk if i would visit for an important family event. i’d probably do so begrudgingly, because i am way too easily guilted into things, but it wouldn’t be without a lot of anxiety/discomfort.

        1. I might be willing to take on travel anxiety and discomfort for a family obligation but for a vacation with my very limited PTO, I want to enjoy myself. That crosses off a lot of destinations.

    5. I’m not sure that it, in itself, in a vacuum, is racist, but if I hear you say this, I am definitely going to think you probably have some racist opinions.

      2. i’ve been to india and honestly have zero interest in going back. i wouldn’t really encourage others to visit for travel/tourist reasons. i have many friends of all sorts of ethnicities, but with my limited time and money, it just wasn’t a trip i really enjoyed. i also know a number of people who won’t take flights longer than X amount and so based on that criteria, they would not travel to India, even for a family event. i also know others who are very happy and eager to participate in all sorts of religious/cultural traditions here in the U.S., but just aren’t “travelers” and prefer to stay closer to home.

      3. I disagree. I have no desire to go to India, and it isn’t because of the race of the people who live there. If I had unlimited time and money, then maybe I would get there eventually. But given that I do not, it just is not on my list for a variety of reasons.

      4. I don’t think racist is necessarily the right word but if it’s along the lines of “I would never visit India, it’s too hot and dirty”, there’s something prejudiced and dismissive in that – like, it’s a big country! With a lot of different parts and a lot of people living different experiences! And I can see it being very frustrating for an Indian like the sister in law yesterday, if she’s hearing “you didn’t even take the time to learn anything about my country/my family before saying no!”

      5. That’s kind of where I land on that question. But some people just aren’t travelers and/or dislike certain climates, plane trips, kinds of food, etc.

        In terms of places I haven’t been before, I’d like to visit Central and South America, Africa, New Zealand, Japan, and India in about that order. My husband is more likely to agree to a trip to Eastern Europe, which I would enjoy as I’ve never been east of Vienna. As a huge ballet fan, I always wanted to go to Russia, but not now.

    6. After the lethal assault on a bus some years back, I can see a person just really emotionally reacting to that and crossing it off as a destination. And for other people, especially with family there, visiting like people do in all sorts of places.

      2. It’s this for me. India is violent and misogynist (as are many countries! Probably all of them to varying degrees!) but as a feminist and anxious traveler, I don’t plan on ever going there. I’m okay with that. I don’t have to prioritize some false notion of anti racism over my safety.

      3. This might be it. DH’s family won’t visit the US because of all the mass shootings. They come visit us in Canada, we visit them in Europe or sometimes we meet up in the Caribbean for a beach vacation.

        1. Speaking as a Californian, the number of tourists I see in LA and SF has cratered in recent years, especially those with Canadian license plates.

    7. I don’t think it’s racist to say you don’t have a lot of interest in visiting a country as a tourist. Some places don’t grab you for whatever reason. I’m widely traveled and generally want to go everywhere (barring safety issues etc) but don’t have much interest in Egypt because I’ve heard a lot of negative things. A family wedding is of course different than visiting just for tourism though. I’d go to Egypt if my brother was getting married there.

      But the comments yesterday weren’t mostly “ew India” – it was just that weddings that are so far from home involve a huge outlay of time and money and you can’t reasonably expect everyone to attend. I think that applies pretty much equally to a wedding in a place that’s very far away but more familiar to Americans, like Australia.

    8. Nobody said they will never visit India. They said they didn’t want to travel to India while pregnant or with a newborn, which is a very different statement.

      1. Oh yeah, no way would I go to many of the major tourist areas pregnant or with a newborn. Air pollution alone is reason not to, but non-India-specific, navigating an entirely different health care system in a very crowded country would be a lot to ask if something went wrong.

        1. I was thinking that there are some immune suppressants they use at higher doses in places that aren’t TB endemic. It’s not that it isn’t possible, but it’s a lot of planning with some unavoidable risks.

      2. someone else commented that it sounds like they will never visit india and that was racist

        1. It wasn’t about India. They want 5 kids so they announced they expect to be pregnant or postpartum for most of the next decade and can’t commit to attending the wedding. While I do think it’s a bit delusional to announce with confidence that you’ll have 5 kids in the next decade before having even 1 kid, since so many people change their minds and secondary infertility is very real, I didn’t read it as racist at all. I read it as them trying to be upfront about their family planning so Bride 2 didn’t schedule the wedding around them, and then get upset when they couldn’t go due to pregnancy or a newborn (which surely would have made Bride 2 even more livid!).

          1. It was the “we are busy for 10+ years with the kids we don’t have yet” battle vs “engaged but haven’t yet set a date for in-law wedding in India” for 2 couples intent on borrowing trouble.

          2. I read it as Couple 2 wanting to schedule the wedding so that Couple 1 could be there (reasonable), and Couple 1 being unable to commit to a date certain due to their desire for several kids close in age (also reasonable). Where it went off the rails for me was Couple 2 then being upset at Couple 1 and making it into a rejection of Bride 2’s Indian heritage. Nothing Couple 1 said sounded racist to me. I wouldn’t want to commit to attending a wedding in India (or Australia or Japan or any other far-flung place) when I was pregnant with #1 and wanting several more kids close in age.

          3. I actually read the “we can’t go for 10+ years” as meaning “please don’t try to schedule your wedding around us, because we can’t commit”, which is a pretty reasonable thing for them to say in the circumstances

    10. In a world of limited time and limited money, there are loads of places that I will never visit. Some of them are not priorities.

    11. As a queer woman who loves to travel and wants to see and do everything, I have sort countries into: I absolutely cannot/will not go; I can go but have to be careful (so only if I really want to go there – otherwise I’m not using my money to support an unwelcoming at best country); places I’m probably fine but would feel more comfortable traveling with a man, who I’m rarely traveling with (I have had this list since before I started dating women! Morocco was high on my list, but I didn’t want to go without a man); places that are not super welcoming but not dangerous for me; and places I’d feel totally comfortable.

      I think for me personally, India falls into the “I’d rather travel here with a man” due to harassment and historic violence against women.

      I’m femme for femme, which really does open up where I can travel. My partner and I both look conventionally feminine which helps us pass. We can limit PDA and pass each other off as friends (or even cousins). But, I don’t want to go back into the closet even while traveling! If we’re somewhere romantic, I want to hold my partner’s hand or give her a quick kiss. I don’t want to have to worry about if someone suspects something or one of us accidentally slipping up. And, almost most importantly, I don’t want to support countries that don’t support me. I’ve always loved Ancient Egypt, so we’re going for a short trip through a US-based travel company. I’d love to do a safari on the Serengetti, but we’ll skip that in favor of a South African safari.

      All this to say – I’m probably not choosing to visit India for fun, but I’d go for a wedding or other major event for a loved one.

      1. Off topic, but I went on safari in South Africa last summer and it was beyond amazing. I know people say Tanzania, Kenya, etc. are better, but I really can’t imagine how. So I don’t think you are really missing anything by choosing South Africa.

        1. Thank you, that’s great to know! I am pretty upset about not getting to go to the Serengetti so this is a nice silver lining!

    12. Not per se.

      A blanket statement like that, about any country, might make me wonder about what’s causing the adverse opinion – is it bad experiences (self or close ones), safety concerns or other ideological reasons?

      I might think of the person making a statement like this as someone who is inflexible in their thinking, forming opinions too quickly, and maybe narrow-minded. Some people have strong opinions which I can understand, even if I do not agree with it. For example, I am German, and I understand if there are Jewish people who will never travel to Germany because of the holocaust.

      FWIW, many Europeans do not want to travel to the US right now, and as a European who’s lived here for more than a decade, I can understand, why, even if my lived experience in this country is not like the dramatic headlines in the media oversees, and I believe the US has a lot to offer for visitors.

      1. Pretty sure having to making your social media public and allow access to the US govt for all social media and emails on the last five years is also a big deterrent. Many people have jobs that makes public social media not a good idea.

    13. Most people have limited money, PTO, and freedom to take extended trips. It’s fair to prioritize other international destinations if a particular country doesn’t excite you.

      Personally I doubt I’ll ever go to India. I’ve posted before about my GI issues. There’s very little Indian food I can safely eat even in the US- it happens to contain so many of my trigger foods. And I avoid countries that are known for stomach issues among travelers. The entire trip I’ll be sick or terrified of getting sick, so there’s zero appeal for me. There are many places I’d theoretically like to travel to but my medical issues make it a non-starter.

      1. Right – unless we’re talking about something special like a wedding, for a lot of people whether they would travel to India is really just a question of priorities and what they’re realistically able to accomplish. India is a difficult trip for the average traveler. I travel internationally but don’t see India in my future. It seems very overwhelming to me for lots of reasons, and there’s easily 20-30 places I actively want to go to, and I could go back to a handful of places I’ve already been again and again.

    14. I don’t think it is racist to decide you don’t want to visit a country. I definitely think how, when, and in what context you convey that decision can be very racist.

      I, personally, have zero desire to experience India myself and would find the cost of travel prohibitive, both financially and in terms of time off. Even if a relative chose to be married there, I would quietly RSVP with regrets and buy them a nice gift from their registry. I would not announce it for the whole family to debate, and would not offer possible excuses that are not currently applicable.

      1. It sounded to me like Couple 2 asked Couple 1 “what dates can you go?” because they were trying to schedule the wedding to accommodate them (which is not uncommon with close family — we definitely cleared our wedding date with parents, siblings, and best friends before booking the venue). So quietly RSVPing no was not really an option for Couple 1, the way it would be for a casual friend’s wedding.

        1. Yes, and Couple 1 should have said “don’t schedule around us since we can’t commit either way, but if we can make it we will!” and not “we cannot possibly travel to India for the next decade”

          1. I agree that’s better phrasing but we don’t know that they led with “we can’t go any time in the next decade.” It’s very possible that was the response they gave after being pushed multiple times to commit to a date.

        2. Honestly, if I were Couple 1, I would have had my hubby kindly tell his brother that a trip to India is not likely to fit into our budget or our available time off so no, we are not going to commit to a date, but we look forward to congratulating them on the happy event. And if Couple 2 got snippy, I would just not engage. Look gently puzzled, stay silent, let them throw their fits.

          My siblings and I did not clear dates with each other, nor has it been an expectation that we would come. The invitation was sent, but we live scattered and it’s NBD if we can’t make these events. I have nephews and nieces ranging from 6 months to…10, 11 years? who I have never met in person and likely never will. Family isn’t everything to everyone, even if some of the family think so.

          1. Most people are closer with their families and will move their wedding so their siblings can attend.

          2. While it’s fine that this is how your family operates (and I hope your family feels the same way about extended family visits as you do!), you do have to realize that this is atypical, right? Most people don’t go over a decade without meeting nieces and nephews, don’t forget how old the niblings are, and also expect to be at their siblings weddings.

            You don’t even have to be close to your siblings for those things…that’s just being cordial. Missing a sibling’s wedding or not meeting their child is saved for estranged folks in my book…

          3. The thing is, though, in many families there’s no way to kindy tell a brother you’re not coming to his wedding.

          4. Families vary a lot of this point. We make sure to visit each other annually and wedding dates are often cleared to make sure all siblings can attend.

            In the scenario from yesterday – I don’t see why the brother can’t attend on his own for a week. Obviously not when his wife is in her last trimester or they have a newborn but people travel for a week for work all the time after they have kids. Dragging the whole family along is a different story and less feasible.

          5. I’m not 1:18 but I do think adult siblings not being very close is more common than people here realize. My husband is decently friendly with his sister, we see her a couple times a year at holidays and we met all her babies (and she, ours) before they were 6 months old.

            But the discussion yesterday prompted me to ask my husband how he would have handled it if she’d been getting married in India when we were in the thick of our pregnancy and baby years (we only have 2, so it wasn’t a decade) and he said he wouldn’t have wanted to go to India and leave me home pregnant or with a newborn. I said “really, not even for your sister’s wedding, even if I was totally cool with it?” and he basically said “yeah I just don’t care enough about her to go all the way to India.” To be fair, he’s not a big traveler in general – I book all our family vacations and kind of drag him along. But I think this attitude is more common than people realize… even without estrangement or being distant enough that you’ve never met tween nieces and nephews.

          6. 1:34 – we aren’t estranged, just distributed across the country and in jobs where our ideal times off don’t overlap. We facetime and text now and then but none of us want to spend our limited free time and money traveling to hang out in the others’ towns while they are stuck working. We are just family, not BFFs. This isn’t as unusual as you think, although many people who are not all about “family is everything” keep quiet about it because we get painted as uncaring monsters more often than not, simply because we have chosen our people rather than defaulting to relatives.

    15. I think it needs context. I have multiple chronic health issues and neurodivergence that makes very crowded/busy places rough. Travel over 12 hours on a plane is VERY difficult for me and I’m unlikely to do that unless I need to for work or I desperately want to see the place. India just isn’t very high on my bucket list. I also won’t be visiting Australia to do an adventure trip despite my husband pushing to – he and my sons may take a boys trip on their own.

    16. I don’t think so. Everyone has limited time and money and has to prioritize based on their interests and needs. I highly doubt I’ll ever get to China. I really dislike Chinese food and I’m not interested enough in the sights there to deal with the air pollution and food safety issues. There are other countries like Thailand and India that I had more interest in visiting despite similar drawbacks.

      1. It’s okay that you don’t want to travel to China. But sweeping statements like “dislike Chinese food” makes me wonder how much you really know about “the sights” or China in general.

        1. Not that poster but I don’t think that’s fair. All travel to a new-to-you country involves some degree of generalization. “I’d love to go to Italy and eat gelato” is no different. Doesn’t mean that’s all there is to Italy or that the poster knows nothing else about it.

          1. To me China is different since it’s a massive multi-ethnic historic empire with dozens of cuisines.

          2. There’s plenty of regional variation in cuisine in Italy too, but at a base level every country’s cuisine has considerable common ground and people can reasonably like or dislike it collectively. The US is probably the country where it’s hardest to define a single cuisine because we’re such a melting pot but I think most people still have a sense of what you mean when talking about “American food.”

          3. Italy is also a historic empire with dozens of different cuisines and significant contemporary immigration creating an increasingly multi-ethnic society…

        2. Right, like does this poster even know how varied Chinese cuisine is? And how different it is from Americanized Chinese cuisine?

          I won’t go to China for their human rights record (and totally understand those who aren’t coming to the US right now for the same reason!), but otherwise would love to go

        3. I mean, I have a lot of good friends from China, my parents have been multiple times for tourism and my husband has been for work and did some tourism on the side, so I think I have a pretty good idea of what the major tourist sights are and what it’s like to travel there as a visitor – at least as much as you can without going there personally. I obviously haven’t eaten Chinese food in China since I haven’t been, but I’ve eaten it plenty in other countries including the Americanized restaurant food that’s common here and more authentic home-cooked food made by Chinese-Americans. I don’t think it makes you racist to say you don’t like a particular cuisine. People have preferences! My husband doesn’t really like Italian food. I think he’s bonkers but I don’t think he’s racist…

        4. This is the sort of comment that makes this place so obnoxious. Maybe the poster didn’t want to write out a whole treatise about her perspective on China/Chinese food, and chose to use a simple sentence to get the point across quickly. There’s simply no need to assume the worst and passive aggressively imply that someone is ignorant.

          2. The thread is about how people take these kinds of statements. To me it sounded like an assumption that even the most authentic Chinese food available outside of China is reasonably representative of foods available within China. To me this seems to wildly underestimating diversity within China, and I wouldn’t want to associate travel within China with only a very few cultures or cuisines.

        5. I’ve traveled extensively in China, and I can confidently say that I really do dislike Chinese food. I even dislike Chinese interpretations of other cultures’ foods.

          1. Okay! I believe you. I personally like some Chinese cuisines and don’t enjoy others, and it was hard for me to imagine being okay with traveling in India or Thailand but not liking Chinese foods from any of the different ethnic groups of China, but I can believe that the similar foods in China may be interpreted differently.

            I always feel uncomfortable with reducing China to one culture when Chinese minorities have fought so hard against this during my lifetime, but if I think about it, I can imagine disliking “European” cuisine meaningfully despite all the different cuisines (let alone just Italian).

          2. I’m the poster who made the original comment about not wanting to go to China but going to India and Thailand and the decision to go to Thailand and India was not really about the food. Both those countries have wildlife that was a big draw for me, so that’s why I visited them.

            I do prefer the Americanized restaurant version of Indian food and Thai food over Chinese food and don’t think that’s terribly weird? (likewise I know people who like Chinese food in the US but not Indian food and so on) but I’m aware that the in-country versions are very different and much more diverse than the stereotypical American interpretation of “Chinese food” or “Indian food.” I have had homemade Chinese food from various regions in China and prefer it to Americanized restaurant “Chinese food” but don’t love it as much as I love the cuisine from various other countries, so was just saying China isn’t high on my list for food reasons (and also other reasons).

          3. +1 to your comment about reducing China to a monoculture given their treatment of minorities. I like several Chinese cuisines, but my favorite is Uyghur (for DC folks, I recommend Dolan in Columbia Heights). It’s a Central Asian cuisine, so quite different than typical Chinese cuisines. The CCP’s treatment of the Uyghurs is at best cultural genocide and at worst crimes against humanity.

          4. You can make generalizations about a country’s cuisine without being r@cist or reductive. There is a great deal of Arab food in Europe (it’s actually far more readily available than Uyghur food is in most of China), but people speaking about “French food” and “Italian food” aren’t talking about falafel and kebabs and no one calls them r@cist so it feels a bit performative to say that speaking about “Chinese food” isn’t allowed.

    17. It would depend on why but that is not the conclusion I would jump to.

      There are a lot of places I would never visit absent massive and unlikely changes (e.g. Haiti). While it is not quite on that level, India is on my list of places I would not be likely to go because I have a very well-travelled friend who went to India and said it was the only place she would never return because of the level of s*xual harassment she encountered as a modestly dressed woman in her 50s walking with her husband at her side. And for context, this was a trip she took that included Turkey, Bhutan and Nepal – all of which she loved.

        1. This reminds me of people who say they’ve been to Haiti because they went to the private island owned by a cruise company (Royal Caribbean I think?) that’s technically in Haiti. um yeah that’s not Haiti but ok.

          1. I didn’t know about that island but that’s gross for people to claim to have been to Haiti…

          3. yeah the cruise line doesn’t go there anymore, I was speaking of people who went in the past. But even back then it was comical to call it “visiting Haiti.”

          5. I’m not the one who said gross but I think there’s an element of white saviorism that is off-putting? it’s sort of “look at me visiting on my cruise and helping the poor struggling people of Haiti with my tourist dollars” when really you’re just enriching the cruise line and having no contact with anyone local. I dunno, it is kind of gross to me.

          6. Yes, I”m the original commenter who called it gross. To visit such an impoverished country rife with political instability and violence on your nice cruise line, have no interaction with anything actually Haitian besides a spit of land, and then act like you’ve been to Haiti is gross to me. It feels exploitative – I don’t know the terms of the agreement with the cruise line and Haiti (but I’m sure the cruise line comes out ahead) but it’s not like the cruise line’s presence is a meaningful economic boost to Haiti the way tourism is elsewhere.

            It’s such an extreme example of haves vs have nots – I believe half of Haitians are food insecure and cannot access adequate medical care, shelter, clean water, or education. The beach is literally walled off to keep the tourists and the Haitians separate.

            Everyone agrees that Trump’s discussions about developing Gaza are disgusting and I don’t see Labadee as much different.

    18. Subtext is everything for this question – both in answering and asking it.

      In the discussion yesterday, there was a lot of missing information that was inferred or relayed second-hand by OP. Things like tone, body language, past comments, how the discussion unfolds would be important in judging it racist or not. (But someone saying they will not attend a wedding that has not yet been scheduled due to pregnancy that has not yet happened feels hurtful and offensive, even if it’s not racist.)

      In this thread – there is a big difference between visiting a tourist city and visiting someone’s family home where they are hosting you. I am Indian, and I personally am not comfortable visiting some of the tourist locations. They are absolutely unsafe, particularly for white women. But I am super comfortable in my parents or in-laws home towns, and my family would go out of it’s way to make sure guests are safe and comfortable. I would be hurt if a close friend or family implied those homes were not safe, but I would also accept where they are coming from. Still, I would think it was coming from a place of ignorance (not malicious racism). I have small children, and we have visited India with them. I totally understand the reasons someone may not want to, but plenty of people can and do visit safely. I thought this board went a little too hard on the “I would never visit with children” comments. My kids thrived there. Again, the difference to me is between visiting as a tourist and visiting as an invited guest to a non-tourist city. Not many non-Indians have the opportunity to be invited to someone’s family home, so it would seem small-minded for it to be rejected out of hand without some consideration.

      1. OP said the wife IS currently pregnant, it’s not a hypothetical. It sounds like the speculation was related to future pregnancies, since they can’t guarantee so far in advance there’s a window where she’s not pregnant or they don’t have a young baby.

        The distinction between traveling on your own and being hosted by a local is an interesting point though.

        1. My take on it was that Wife 1 is pregnant, Couple 2 figured if they planned the wedding far enough after the birth Brother 1 could attend and asked about timing and was told that the plan was to be pregnant or newly postpartum for a decade…

        2. Plenty of people would love to take a kid free vacation after the first kid and before the second kid though. It gets harder to do that as you have more kids. Babies are supposed to be spaced two years apart for the mother’s health so it’s not unreasonable for them to think the inlaws might be open to a trip without baby for a week between 12-24 months.

          1. Couldn’t agree more! There *should* absolutely be time for Couple 1 or just Brother 1 to go to India for the wedding between the birth of this child and the next pregnancy. Many people who otherwise don’t travel without their kids would do so for a close relative’s wedding.

            There’s so much we don’t know about the situation, but my assumption was that Couple 2 was willing to plan the wedding around this pregnancy/birth so Brother 1 could be there and was told that that wasn’t ever going to work. If my brother was so dismissive about being able to come to my wedding I would be hurt.

          2. “Babies are supposed to be spaced two years apart for the mother’s health” is a bit simplistic. We don’t know wife 1’s age or fertility status but most women who start having babies in their mid-30s or later and want multiple kids try to have them pretty close together. I know lots of people who spaced kids 1-1.5 years apart, even if it’s not medically optimal.

            And as a counterpoint to the 3:37 poster, my husband and I do kid-free trips regularly, and I would never go to India without my kids. Not because I have anything against India but because it’s literally on the other side of the planet. For our kid-free trips we usually only go away for 3-4 days, 1 week at the absolute max and go somewhere where we can get home within the same day if something goes wrong. India is 24+ hours of travel from our city if there are zero delays and necessitates going for at least 10 days to make the travel worth it, and that’s way too long for a kid-free trip to me. So the “go without your kids” response is very flip to me.

          4. “Babies are supposed to be spaced two years apart for the mother’s health”

            This is very much NOT the official ACOG guidance on this issue.

    19. Just went back and read that thread and noticed that this place’s resident “wow you all hate family huh” poster made an appearance. I was just thinking the other day that that person is probably single-handedly responsible for turning a lot of women off this place.

      1. It’s more than one commenter, and it’s usually in response to the dumb posts of “the family you marry and give birth to is the only family that matters–you can have no other bonds that supersede these for any reason.”

        1. yes, there’s an odd contempt for families of origin on this board. Obviously not the majority, but some people really think you “leave and cleave” when you get married

          1. That is literally what Christian and Jewish traditions instruct people to do. The instruction to leave and cleave (not in those words) appears like two chapters into Genesis, lol.

            I can’t speak to Islam but assume it has a similar tradition.

          2. What’s weird to me is that people think you have “contempt” for your family or origin if your spouse is your top priority. You can love and prioritize your family of origin while also recognizing that after marriage one’s spouse and children should be their top priority.

            Signed, I’ve been called “enmeshed” with my family of origin by people here, because they’re local to me and I like them and get together with them often. And yet apparently I’m treating them with contempt because my spouse and children are my ultimate priority? Make it make sense.

          3. @4:14: it sounds like you have many people you love who love you back, and I don’t know that that describes some of the frequent posters here :)

  19. Has anyone had a color analysis? Has it changed how you shop, dress, do makeup, or anything about your appearance? Or did it basically confirm what you already knew (i.e., you were already wearing the colors that it told you looked best on you) and wasn’t worth the money? I tried doing mine via Chat GPT and two different apps. Using the same photos, I got three different results! There’s someone local to me who does these in person and now I’m curious whether I should give it a try. Thanks.

    2. Yes, and I answered this question last week when it was asked. It was not worth it to me.

      1. I also answered. I did one a few years ago while visiting NYC but the person has since gone back to her native country. It was expensive, but worth it; I have modified purchasing decisions. More importantly, I have also learned to read the effect various colors are having on my skin – something I did not see before. Helped a lot with makeup as well – I found her color matching much better than what I’ve received at makeup counters.

    3. This question was asked last week, and a few people said yes it was worth it. I’m looking into it myself

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