Coffee Break: Pointy Toe Ankle Strap Pump

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This shoe reminds me of the Valentino Tango pump that's everywhere right now. I believe Linea Paolo was a reader favorite years ago, and they kind of disappeared and now they're back, which is exciting. These are very reasonably priced, only $140, and they come in sizes 4-13, which is a pretty broad range. We're picturing the black suede, and the other choices are black patent leather and a lovely bronze leather which may be a good nude-for-you shoe, depending on your skin color. Linea Paolo ‘Noel' Pointy Toe Ankle Strap Pump Here's a lower-priced option. (L-all)

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

253 Comments

  1. I’m looking for some round toe, leopard print pumps, either stiletto or block heel. I like the ones that are actual calf hair or whatever, and I prefer the print that is darker brown and black, rather than the stark difference between like nude and black, if that makes sense. Has anyone seen anything like that? It’s been surprisingly hard to find!

    1. Edited to add that I would also accept pointy toed if they are a wider pointy toe.

      1. How about the Nine West Fadilla 2 at 6 pm dot com? I like the mary jane strap because it is very narrow

    2. Check Sam Edelman? I found pumps very similar to what you’re describing a while ago.

    3. I know J Crew was having a big block heel moment but I’m not sure about leopard.

  2. Kat, this is SUCH a cute pair of pump’s! It reminds me of the 1930’s, where I could have been a FLAPPER GIRL, dad says. I think he just think’s I am cute, but that is NOT the way a profesional girl want’s to be thought of. Personaly, I perfer the leather to the suede, and the Patent Leather is NOT real leather, so I would go with the brown leather to match my COACH bag. I could further accesorize with a great belt I got in TUCSON, but could NOT then wear the outfit to work. FOOEY! I hope the HIVE in NY is not getting to wet b/c of the snow. I have my new NORTHFACE jacket today and it has a HUGE HOOD to sheild me from the snow and wind. YAY!!!!

  3. I picked up a pair of Natori underwear at Marshalls a couple of months ago, in a colour called “suntan”. They match my skin colour perfectly, but I don’t love the design, and when I looked up bras in the same colour, they weren’t my style at all. Anyone here familiar with this colour can point me towards a similar shade of nude from a different brand (preferably without gaudy lace)? Alternatively, can any other olive/tan ladies recommend a brand and shade for nude underwear?

    1. Have you looked at Calvin Klein (nordstrom) or Soma? They have a lot of different beige-to-brown tones.

    2. Natori makes tons of bras and lots of bras without lace. Maybe look at different styles or was there some other quality you were looking for?

  4. true story, I met Paolo of Linea Paolo at a Nordstrom trunk show. He was super nice and very sweet to my then three year old daughter.

    Good shoes, I’m glad they’re back. I got a pair of the pointed toe, low heeled pumps for Christmas (the “Opal” style) and I love them. They look great with ankle pants.

  5. I am having so much trouble staying focused at work. My job simply does not seem important in light of what’s happening in this world. Don’t need to get into the political conversation in this post, but does anyone have any suggestions for trying to be a normal person and live my life when I’m ready to cry and/or vomit at every headline? And I’ve set up recurring monthly donations to ACLU, PP, and offered to two places to volunteer legal services (although I have no relevant experience at all). Haven’t been able to protest because of prior commitments (which I feel awful about).

    1. Oh, I feel you, APC. What’s worked best for me is forcing myself to focus on one teeny-tiny task at a time. Then that one task builds into several more, and finally, I’m being productive and not thinking about the state of the world. I’ve also had to start building media breaks into my day and forcing myself to stay away from news sites, social media, etc. for hours at a time. I am not tuning out completely, but scrolling through headlines all day long is no way to protect your mental health.

    2. Same. My boss and I were commiserating about this yesterday. Nothing else seems important. I had a couple professional milestones the last few days and I’m struggling to celebrate/be excited because I just want to sit and read Twitter.

    3. Turn off the headlines/news feeds at least while you are in the office. If you usually take breaks browsing the web, try to find places that don’t touch on news and politics (which is very hard – look at all the political discussions on fashion blogs like this one). If that doesn’t work, find a different distraction. Read a book or go for a walk over lunch, make your grocery list, research new skin care, whatever. Take your news in at set times, for set periods, and from legitimate sources that you trust. It really helps my focus and stress level to do this rather than checking in at every ping.

      1. It doesn’t help me that I have zero support in the office (blue city in red state). People have legit said to me today “I don’t understand all these protests. I think he’s doing a great job.”

      2. I feel like things are changing so fast that I have to stay on top of every ping. I worry that the fatigue is strategic and that the goal is for us all to check out. I want to avoid that. At the same time, my work has to get done.

        1. “the fatigue is strategic and that the goal is for us all to check out”

          This is an actual strategy that is occurring. It’s okay to ‘lean in’ on one or two causes and not worry about the rest. It will be a marathon and you have to run your own race so pace yourself.

    4. Protecting our mental health is tantamount. Turning off the headlines is a good idea in theory, but being in the dark, especially in times like these is not a safe place to be either. We can’t afford to be blissfully ignorant. Have you heard of The Skimm? Its a short little email that keeps the news accurate but simple. It includes links so you can explore further if you need to. I think its helping a lot of people deal with the overwhelm of the new administration.

  6. Help solve a disagreement between me and my SO (serious relationship, not serious disagreement). He has only worked in super casual environments (retail), generally male-dominated. This has involved a lot of what most of us would consider inappropriate for work convos. Recently he worked with a woman for a few months (she no longer works there) and they became work friends. Well he just told me that she was asking him questions like “are you s3xualky satisfied? How often do you have s3x? Do you “explore”?”Etc. I was shocked and said it seems she was putting out feelers to potentially start something. He disagrees and just said they were bonding and having some fun.
    We come from totally different work environments so to him that was just normal “shop talk” and was entertaining. But I don’t even ask my friends those kind of questions, let alone work friends. what do you think?

    1. Uh, I don’t care how casual the environment, that is just flat-out inappropriate. I agree with your take on the situation.

    2. If I worked with a guy for 10 years we might have conversations about this kind of stuff on a very casual, joking basis but a few months? No. She wanted some of that.

      1. PS as these things rarely happen in a vacuum you should ask your husband exactly what he said or did to get the conversation started or at the very least allow it to continue.

        1. +1 He absolutely needed to shut this down, and it sounds like he didn’t. I would be worried about what signals he’s sending out to make her think this could happen and what other lack of boundaries he is exhibiting that he hasn’t bothered to mention to OP.

        2. +1

          If my husband had been in your husband’s shoes, here is how this would have gone down (I’m fairly confident):

          Coworker: (inappropriate questions)
          Him at work: (shutting it down)
          Him at home later that same day: “You are never going to believe what so-and-so said to me today! (recounts inappropriate line of questioning)”

          The fact that he 1) apparently didn’t shut it down, 2) apparently didn’t tell you about it for a while (how ongoing was it?!?!), and 3) is now telling you about it as a sign of “bonding”, is eff-ed up.

      2. Agreed, these are the kinds of questions for kidding around with long-term friends and/or serious conversations about relationship issues, not casual work small talk. At best she doesn’t have any boundaries and may be an oversharer herself.

    3. How did it come up, and why did he tell you about the convo? I think he liked the attention, and this is his way of not-telling-you that you have competition.

    4. I agree that it is insanely inappropriate but I have three friends (two female, one male) that work for a certain government agency that has employees that discuss the same kind of crap over lunch daily. One of them hates it but isn’t comfortable asking them to stop. She just listens and doesn’t share her own life. They have a young workforce and work in a high adrenaline job where you really have rely on your coworkers. They claim it is their way of bonding. That said, the office has also had a few affairs so take that as you will.

    5. She’s putting out feelers and they were flirting(based on the fact that missing from your discription is “he shut it down immediately”). My husband worked retail 10 years up until a year ago.

      Agree that he would have what I would consider inappropriate for work convos and they were all much closer (all 20-35, similar interest). Disagree that she was just “bonding”- she was putting out feelers and it sounds like she got some back…

    6. Glad I’m not the only one who felt that it was inappropriate and she was coming on to him. He is so clueless and oblivious sometimes…

        1. Yup. She was flirting in a very inappropriate way and he was enjoying it. This doesn’t make him a cheater but please don’t let him off the hook as “clueless and oblivious.” He’s not.

    7. Inappropriate. I’ve worked in Canada, Ireland, the United States and Switzerland. Everything from retail jobs in college to hotel management to university teaching. Never acceptable as chat between colleagues in any of these environments. She was interested in him and this was her way of hitting on him.

    8. Those are the conversations that immature people have (while they maybe put out feelers but not necessarily). High schoolers trying to shock people, college students being “edgy”, young adults thinking that that it makes them mature and worldly, etc. He sounds young or like he’s a bit of a manchild still.

      1. Agree with this assessment. I could picture myself having ‘innocent’ conversations like that at, like, 22 and being willfully oblivious afterward. Maybe not putting out feelers to actually do anything, but I also wouldn’t have done it with someone I wasn’t on some level attracted to because that wouldn’t be fun.

        How old is OP’s SO, I wonder?

    9. My husband has worked in restaurants and retail for over 10 years. Those environments are more casual, and I’ve often been surprised/appalled at some of the conversations I’ve heard about. But flirting, hookups, relationships, and affairs have also happened far more frequently, or at least much more openly, in the restaurants and stores he’s worked in than in my office settings. I agree your husband’s coworker was flirting.

    10. I’d consider this inappropriate and I work in an area where we have fairly edgy conversations. The difference is, when we talk about things, it’s never personal (e.g. we might joke about sexting, but it’s never “do you sext?” “What would you say in a sext?” it’s more “can you believe this sext in this case?” “Can you imagine sending/receiving this?”). No one has ever mistaken our conversations for flirting and we’ve never had any affairs in the office. We all know and like each other’s SOs.

    11. I will be the voice of dissent (shocker) – this type of chat is pretty common at my firm certainly among the lawyers. It may not be “appropriate” (whatever the hell that means even) but it happens. I do not think it necessarily means that she was interested in him.

      1. Also going to throw this in the mix…what were his answers? Maybe he made up this girl and the talk to get the issues out there? Do you know his answers? Probably not but I mean can’t hurt to make sure he is and can express that in a way he can shut it down next time. Interesting that she “no longer works there” at the time this is coming up. Either she does and you have all those comments above or he’s trying to talk about something.

      2. State government lawyer here. Extremely common to have this kind of chat. I’d be offended if anyone read anything into it. We deal with a lot of salacious allegations in our work and I really don’t think any topics are fully off limits among co-workers here.

  7. Reposting from Plus size thread.
    (regular commenter – anon for this)
    I weighed myself this morning and came to the realization that in 10 years, I have gained 100 lbs (age range of that decade – early 20s to early 30s). I’m…. terrified that I have gained that weight and do not know how to stop gaining weight.. I’ve tried WW, Diet To Go, no carb, etc. Nothing either works and/or lasts. I can come up with excuses – biglaw job for many years, moving to a new place, using food as comfort for life changes, but I don’t want excuses anymore. I need help. Please, please offer me helpful advice.

    1. There is a book I’d recommend -The Gabriel Method. Please check it out – it is not a diet and it makes so much sense. The author lost over 200 lbs. His private coaching is not free but the book is reasonably priced on Amazon. Download a free sample to check it out.

    2. Therapy. My weight gain was entirely tired to anxiety/depression. Now that I’ve somewhat resolved the issues leading to that, it’s easier to put my binge eating in context. The weight and eating was a symptom of my unhappiness, not the cause of it. But it was an easy (albeit ineffective) place to focus.

  8. My sister is getting married this summer and I’m the MOH. It’s one thing after another that makes me feel like we are picture-perfect puppets in her pinterest-worthy wedding and wedding events, rather than important people she wants standing next to her. I am not close with the others (friends of hers) in the bridal party, so when she is asking for my opinion before sharing her expectations with the other bridesmaids, she is always frustrated when I gently say “that might be asking a lot for people to spend on top of X, Y, Z, so you could consider A &B”. Do I just stop sharing my true thoughts when asked? It’s not the money or the effort, so much as it is feeling like she doesn’t care that the bridal party are people she has relationships with and supposedly cares about. My mom served as my sounding board to make sure I wasn’t asking too much of my own bridesmaids when I got married, but now she is just agreeing with whatever my sister wants. And she wants so much that my mild, even-keeled husband has started calling her Bridezilla. No real question here, just looking for commiseration that being in the bridal party doesn’t make me someone’s ATM and puppet for all wedding events.

    1. Can you share an example of something she’s asking of you and the other bridesmaids? I think pushing back on budgets / time expectations is completely reasonable. If it’s matching shoes (that aren’t unreasonably expensive), then you might have to let it go and let her live out the picture in her mind.

      1. $300 dress, travel to a destination where no one lives with few budget options on a holiday weekend, $250 for hair and makeup, bachelorette party involving airfare and hotel on another holiday weekend, two showers…and we still have a few more months for ideas she is working on :)

    2. What is she asking you to do? If it’s something you can’t afford or don’t have enough time to do, say so. But if she’s just asking you to wear an ugly dress or do stupid games at her shower, such is bridal party life.

  9. Can someone please explain to me how most Dems feel about immigration going forward? In other words, I get the idea of amnesty for the people already here. I can see both sides of the issue. But what I’m wondering is whether Dems actually believe in open borders, like I’ve seen claimed, or just believe in allowing in more legal immigrants, or what.

    1. I believe in amnesty, dramatically increasing the number of refugees we admit into the country, and loosening the rest of our immigration programs so more people will be able to legally immigrate. I don’t believe in purely open boarders, nor do any other democrats I know.

      1. All of this. I think we are failing to carry our burden as supposed world leaders in helping refugees. I think immigration is not the cause of economic problems in our country. I think many immigrants do jobs Americans can’t or won’t do. I think we have forgotten we are a nation built on the innovation of immigration. And I think that isolationism is a fool’s errand in an increasingly connected world in 2017.

        1. +1. I have never met a Democrat or Republican that was for purely open borders. Every single one of us, except the 2% that is Native Americans, came here from somewhere else. I think it’s mighty hypocritical and indeed un-American to slam the door behind us — see the Statute of Liberty poem, as well as what happened to countries like Spain with the philosophy of xenophobia.

        2. This.

          Straight white chick here. I feel like I should kiss the ground every morning that I woke up as I did- an educated, able-bodied, healthy, well-fed, white, U.S. citizen entitled to all of the benefits of living in this country without question. No one questions my right to be here. To work here. To speak my mind. I’m not fleeing a war-torn country. I’m not a *child bride* in a war-torn country. Every one of my physical needs is met.

          Everyone in my position- including and especially the politicians who are enacting this “ban”– should kiss the ground every morning that they won the lottery. The cruelty with which people are speaking about refugees and immigrants shocks me and demonstrates that people do not recognize how lucky they are. You would think that the situation in Syria might make more people reflect on this and dredge up some basic human empathy. Yes, have laws on immigration. But it is a moral wrong to shrug our shoulders and ignore the suffering of others like this.

    2. I’m an actuary. We need immigrants. They have more children. We need children to grow up keep social security going

      1. I thought it was that we need immigrants b/c *we* aren’t having more children.

        Maybe it’s just “we need more bodies, any way we can get them.”

          1. Yep. I worked as a small business consultant for a non-profit until recently. 75% of my clients were immigrants. I had clients from Turkey, Yemen, Iran, Nigeria, Zambia, Mexico, Cuba, Guatemala, Thailand, Vietnam, etc. Entrepreneurship is too hard for most Americans these days. People are hugely burdened by student debt; they’re panicked about saving for retirement, and there’s very little extended-family support to help a new entrepreneur while they’re working 80 hour weeks (or more) getting the business going. My immigrant clients’ families lived in multigenerational households to save money; helped out with childcare and eldercare; lent each other money, etc. If you want to kill small business development in the U.S., stopping immigration is a good way to do it. P.S. all of my clients eventually got green cards or got naturalized, even if they came in illegally.

          2. Anon @ 7:28. thanks for adding your experience. I think there are a lot of conservatives who think immigrants come in and go on welfare immediately and never work. In my experience too, most immigrants come here because they want to work and can earn more doing it here.

            I’m in CA where there’s a lot of anti-mexican-immigrant sentiment, but let me ask you – who is mowing your lawn? who is cleaning your house or that hotel room you slept in? who is picking those strawberries you’re enjoying? I can’t think of a single low-income US citizen (this includes many in my family) who would be willing to perform those jobs.

          3. Anon @7:54 – I hear you. By and large, my immigrant clients were running the types of businesses most Americans don’t want to run. Dry cleaners, restaurants, TV and electronics repair, office janitorial businesses, salons, etc. Stuff that involves dirty work, long hours and low margins, but if run correctly and frugally (and with no small amount of the owner’s own labor), generate plenty of cash. I did not see that same kind of hustle in my non-immigrant clients; sorry for bursting anyone’s bubble. It drives me crazy when I see and hear middle-aged white people complaining about “immigrants taking jobs,” and that they have no economic opportunity, because the immigrants I saw were CREATING their own jobs, and usually jobs for several other people. The problem is motivation and hustle and willingness to take risk. And people with student debt and low retirement savings have a reason to be risk-averse, but I also didn’t see a lot of non-immigrant clients who were willing to change their lifestyle in any way, if that was what it took to get a business off the ground. My immigrant clients would literally do whatever it took, even if they had to sleep on the floor of their business at night (and many did).

    3. I am a Democrat who works on immigration/border security policy. I find it offensive that you think that Democrats want open borders. That is, to put it bluntly, right wing propaganda.

      1. Democrats think that our immigration system should provide a path to citizenship for people who are already living here. It’s the pragmatic and the humane thing to do. Deporting millions of people would cost a lot of money, harm the U.S. economy, and separate families.

      2. Democrats think that we should be investing more money to help countries south of our border improve their governance and economies (see President Obama’s $1 billion Central America aid package). The best way to keep people from coming to the United States is to improve conditions in their home countries. Maybe some Republicans believe this as well; in my experience, most Republicans seem to believe that if we build a wall high enough, Mexicans and Central Americans will just stop coming. That’s just not true. I have been to Central America many times and I can tell you that things are bad enough there that a wall is not going to stop people.

      3. Democrats believe that we should have strong border security and know who is coming into our country. However, for Democrats, border security doesn’t just mean “build a wall and keep everyone out.” It means wisely deploying our resources to where they will do the most good (so, for example, rather than spending millions or billions of dollars building a wall in extremely remote areas of the border, we should make sure that building a wall there is worth the $$ or even feasible).

      4. Democrats believe that we have an obligation to help those in need. That includes a) people who come to this country seeking asylum (EVERYONE has the right to seek asylum) and b) refugees who have been through the UN referral process and US vetting system. Accepting refugees is, as I said above, both humane and pragmatic (for foreign policy and national security related reasons).

      5. Democrats believe that our immigration system needs to be overhauled because, like it or not, many American industries depend on cheap immigrant labor. Agriculture is a big one; the restaurant industry is another. Many Republicans seem to think that if we just got rid of all of the immigrants that their jobs would go to Americans. That ship has sailed. We need a visa system that recognizes the realities on the ground and provides a legal, dependable workforce for American employers.

      1. +1 This is how I feel and what I believe.

        I am in a mood today that makes me want to say STFU with this open borders nonsense to any Republican who mentions it.

      2. Oh my gosh, it’s offensive? That’s why I came on here asking for clarification! Please do not call someone’s genuine curiousity and willingness to learn more offensive. That is so unnecessary and unproductive, and I’m frankly sick of it.

          1. Oh please don’t be condescending. If you want to call every genuine question from someone of the other political persuasion offensive, then we aren’t going to make much progress in this divided world.

        1. I understand that you were asking a genuine question, but when you use a term that is flung around by Rs to make this sweeping claim that all Ds want to stop any screening of immigrants and have millions of people roll on into the US with no oversight, it is offensive. No one I know wants that and I roll in pretty liberal circles.

          1. Please tell me how I should have phrased this differently:

            But what I’m wondering is whether Dems actually believe in open borders, like I’ve seen claimed, or just believe in allowing in more legal immigrants, or what.

            I said LIKE I’VE SEEN CLAIMED.

          2. You’re right, I’m sorry, I did not read carefully enough and see that you weren’t referring to your own beleifs. But as I also said, I didn’t call your curiosity offensive. So maybe we both need to just work on our reading comprehension. I really am not trying to put you down; I wanted to be helpful.

          3. Since you asked, “I am wondering what the Democratic platform is on immigration, as I have seen some things that confuse me about their position.”

          4. Go ahead and correct my grammar, I am in a rush and grammatical corrections don’t bother me.

        2. I did not call you or your “genuine curiosity and willingness to learn more” offensive. You asked if Democrats believe in open borders, and I told you that it is absolutely not what we believe, and that in fact, it’s so not what we believe, that we are offended that you would think that we are that dumb/unthinking/whatever.

          I didn’t mean to shut down you or the conversation, but I felt that it was relevant to point out to you that the assumption you were referring to really rubs me the wrong way. It’s like if I were to say to a Republican “So, what is it that you guys actually think about refugees? I’m wondering if you guys actually all think that all Muslims are terrorists .” I feel like you would say “Hey, so I’ll explain it to you, but just so you know, assuming that we’re all bigots is pretty offensive.”

          1. Well, first of all, I’ve seen TONS of people say that Reps can’t distinguish between Muslims and terrorists. Like tons. And I wouldn’t be offended by your question. I would look at it as an opportunity.

          2. I know that lots of people say that. That’s why I chose it as an example.

            I was not offended by your question and I clearly did see it as an opportunity, since I took the time to type out a detailed response…? As I said, I was trying to explain that the assumption that you appended to that question is uninformed and offensive. I have apologized above for wrongfully accusing YOU of holding that belief.

          3. Also, asking whether someone is in favor of open borders is not the same thing as essentially calling someone a bigot.

          4. +1 that is literally what people on this board say– that Republicans think all Muslims are terrorists. Yet when someone asks for clarification by asking if Democrats really want open borders like she’s heard, or not, she’s criticized for even asking the question! Double standard in this echo chamber.

          5. Anon at 4:27, I didn’t criticize her for asking the question. I pointed out that the way she asked the question was not exactly conducive to the conversation she was hoping to have. Or at least, that’s what I was trying to do. I do think that we need to get better at having conversations with people from across the political spectrum, and I’m sorry that one sentence out of my long response was ill-phrased.

          6. But the way she asked the question WAS conducive to the conversation she was hoping to have. You just didn’t like it. And it made her feel bad for asking it (I assume), and it makes others feel like we can’t ask questions from a conservative viewpoint because “omg how could you even SAY that!” I agree that we need to get better at having conversations with people of different political views. Hope we can do that here.

      3. My social media feeds run well to the left of me, a center-left “establishment” Dem, and much of it has been promoting open borders. I agree there’s a lot of right wing propaganda saying *all* Dems are for open borders, but where there’s smoke there’s a (very very very very) tiny fire. If I were less politically interested and I didn’t read outside my Facebook bubble, I’d probably think it was sizable contingent.

        FWIW, those people give me a headache to the extent that I wonder if I’m in the wrong party. I need to get off Facebook.

        1. OP here. I agree. A lot of my Dem friends say things that imply an open border stance.

          One tame example: when someone says “No person is illegal.” Is that just being picky about language, so they don’t want you to say illegal person, or are they saying that it should not be illegal for that person to be in the country in the first place?

          And of course I’ve seen things that are clearer than that.

          1. IMO, they are saying that literally, no person can be illegal. A person can be in the country illegally, but a human being cannot be illegal. It is not illegal to exist as a human being. To me, saying a person is illegal is reducing a human being to a thing, it’s diminutive and reduces a living, breathing, human being to something of lesser value.

          2. I think you’re misunderstanding what they mean by that phrase. “No person is illegal” means only literally that: that “illegal alien” is a misnomer. A person can have _immigrated illegally_, that can be true, but it’s grammatically incorrect to say that a _person_ is illegal. An action can be illegal, a person cannot be. The reason people say “no person is illegal” is because by describing a _person_ as illegal you’re conflating the person and the action and dehumanizing them.

            The grammar/humanization quibble implies absolutely nothing about a person’s policy stance on wider immigration policy.

          3. It’s a reaction to the use of the phrase “illegal” to describe a person or “illegals” to describe a group of people. It’s incredibly dehumanizing, and that’s why republicans use it. I’d hardly call it being picky about language. So that you forget that you’re talking about a woman who is trying to find a better life and work hard for her family. You can empathize with that person more than you can with a “hoard of illegals swarming our borders,” right? Just call her “an illegal” and then boom, no person there, just an illegal. Nameless, faceless others. Less-thans.

            They are not fighting this language as an argument that immigration laws should not exist. This is not a legal argument. The idea is to convey humanity- sure, a person’s presence in this country may be illegal, but *no person is illegal.*

          4. @Torin: I’m anon from 3:40, I agree with you but the people who post the most about this do tend to be those who post the open border-favoring things, so I understand why OP used it as an example.

          5. I am a person who says “no person is illegal.”

            I say it because of the right-wing idea that people who are here without status/are undocumented are, in fact, “illegals,” a term I think denies their humanity. I think that is not constructive, given the real problem we are facing, and the fact that we are, as human beings, more interdependent on each other (as nation-states) than ever before.

            But I am not for “open borders,” whatever that means. I am assuming that means that we should let literally anyone in. That is far from what I want.

            I co-sign the immigration positions from Anon at 3:30 and Anon at 2:49.

      4. I think the Democrats’ reference to “open borders” is more often related to trade than immigration. At least when politicians say it, that often seems to be the context. I’m sure that it’s used in myriad ways by the general population.

        I agree with the way Anon spelled it out. I am admittedly not an expert on immigration policy, but I have heard so many anecdotes about the difficulty/expense of legal immigration, and so much about the terrible economic and security situation in some Central American countries, that it seems obvious that people with no resources would find ANY way into the USA because they lack the means to go through the arduous legal process.

        I am in favor of enforcing immigration laws, and totally understand how it seems “unfair” that people cheated the system and there’s talk of rewarding them with a path to citizenship that shortcuts the current laws/processes, but I believe that it would be inhumane and economically problematic to engage in wholesale deportation. I think there are economic forces that have reduced available jobs for Americans that have a far bigger impact than immigration or overseas outsourcing, and Republicans who think closed borders and economic isolation will fix employment opportunities and result in a net gain for our economy are cherry-picking their facts to remain willfully ignorant of the way the world works today. We need a comprehensive reform that takes into account the reality that there are millions of illegal immigrants socially and economically integrated into American society right now.

      5. I don’t believe in open borders. I believe that the US, and every other country, has the right to deny non-citizens entry to the US at any time, for any reason. I believe this is the law, but it’s hard for me to tell right now what is and is not true. Having said that, I agree with the eloquent response of anon at 3:20, adding that we do need to be very strict about all illegal immigration going forward, returning people to their home country immediately. It’s the law, and is fairer to both citizens and potential immigrants.

        1. But the law is, and has been, changeable. US immigration law historically has been unjust and discriminatory (Chinese Exclusion Act, for example, which is exactly what it sounds like). I think we always need to evaluate the country’s needs (I think we need more immigrants for our own economic growth) with our own history of injustice. We are overdue for comprehensive reform.

    4. I always considered myself pretty moderate, until this election cycle. Now I identify as “strongly Democrat” because I am so repulsed by Trump and the current version of the Republican party. I definitely do not believe in open borders, and would not even favor a huge increase in immigration, except for workers who have demonstrated that they have very unique talents or skills. I do believe we need to significantly increase the number of Syrian refugees we take, since they are fleeing a war zone and we are taking so few for a country with as many people as we have. But generally I’m ok with keeping our immigration numbers steady for people from other countries. I am not against deporting illegal aliens, although I would like to see an exception for those who were brought here illegally as children, assuming they have not been convicted of any crimes and are productive members of society (in school or working). And I am completely opposed to instituting a travel ban that applies to those who are already here on legal visas, which is something Trump’s EO does.

    5. I’m from a part of the U.S. with a lot of immigrants (but not bordering Mexico). We have a lot of refugees and a lot of my friends are second or third generation Americans. They stress the importance of immigration and frustration with how hard it is to immigrate legally (like wait for visa lotteries or bring over family members — something about being responsible for them financially and not having them go on public assistance). I don’t know how accurate that all is.

      What I think is so hard for them (who are pro-immgrant) is that they see themselves as being very patient and law-abiding and this country makes it so hard for them but they see illegal immigration (and not refugees) as a huge smack in the face. I think if we do something to normalize illegal immigrants (and their non-citizen children), we ought to also do something to help make legal immigration easier (either let more in, make it easier, etc.).

      Maybe we give more work visas? I’m not sure that we need a path to citizenship as we need a path out of the gray area (b/c if your status isn’t regularized, you can easily be a crime victim / exploited by employers, etc.).

      1. Changing our immigration laws to address reality would solve all of these problems, because it would provide legal pathways for your friends and the people like them, as well as the currently-undocumented workers who are the backbone of American commercial agriculture and the restaurant industry.

  10. Any recs for a spa in Portland Maine? Looking for a place to get a decent facial, as well as a couples massage, drink some cucumber mint water, and general luxurious environment. TIA!

  11. Going to the dermatologist for the first time next week to deal with stubborn hormonal acne. I haven’t responded well to a retinoid (a year of use) and I’m hoping to get a prescription for spironolactone. What should I expect from this initial visit? I’ve been taking photos of my skin every day and will bring a list of the products I use.

    Other hormonal acne sufferers – do I need to lower my expectations? I’d love to have clear skin but at this point I’d be happy if my face didn’t hurt when I smile.

    1. You should expect an Rx for spirinolactone and a conversation about hormonal birth control. Not a big deal.

    2. Spironolactone never worked for me. Begrudgingly, I took antibiotics for 6 months for hormonal acne. I’ve been mostly clear ever since (also had the hormonal IUD removed). But remember, it could take months to see results with any medication. Good luck.

      1. Thanks for your reply. I have the Mirena IUD – I’m on my second one, and I love the reliability of it. I also have a family history of PCOS and had acne all through my teens and 20s.

        1. My magic combo seems to be spiro + curology. I was skeptical until I tried it, but my skin likes the combo they gave me of tretinoin + clindamycin + a chemical exfoliator better than the separate tret + clindamycin I was using before. I am about a year and a half in to my first Mirena, which I adore, and also have PCOS. Had bad cystic acne on my jawline after switching to the Mirena – not uncommon, but doc also said I may never know if it’s the Mirena causing it or going off the pill I’d been on for 8 years prior.

          Good luck! Note, the first derm I saw was reluctant to prescribe me spironolactone and really pushed EpiDuo on me, which I ended up hating. So be prepared to ask for what you want.

          1. I googled curology and somehow ended up on reddit looking at pictures of gross stuff people had expelled or were in the process of expelling from their bodies. That’s a rabbit hole I wish I hadn’t gone down!!!! I didn’t realize this was a thing now.

        2. I have heard that spiro + hormonal BC (which you can actually take with a hormonal IUD in) is supposed to do wonders for PCOS sufferers (not sure if that applies to you). Spiro also good for hirsutism. I can’t remember how spiro was for me because it was so long ago, but a triphasic bc pill is my pill of choice.

          1. That’s good about the hirsutism – I definitely have weird neck hairs. I’ll bring that up.

          2. I have PCOS. I was on spirono for 8 years and had a Mirena in the whole time. I finally got off Spirono at age 38 because I was having major vertigo and my doc thought it would help. I don’t know if this is medically possible, but after I got off Spirono I didn’t revert back to the old problems I’d had before it (hormonal acne; hirsutism; head hair loss, etc. etc.) It was like it permanently changed my hormones. I still have a Mirena in but my acne is really manageable.

            I just started using OTC Differin gel to treat my blackheads and small hormonal breakouts. I’m impressed so far; you might look into that also.

        3. I switched to the Paraguard IUD. I hate the heavy periods but I’ll take that over acne any day.

      2. The clearest my skin ever got was when I was taking minocycline for acne, but I’ve now had my lifetime dose (I got skin staining and joint pain, you can look this up). I sadly gave it up and switched to Spironolactone. I’m not totally clear but I don’t have zits at all times. I get maybe one cyst on my chin per month, and the occasional little whitehead that is easily brushed away.

        1. Maybe you need to increase your spiro dose?

          What are you taking?

          I kept increasing my dose until no more cysts.

          But I used to have bad acne, with cysts constantly. Painful. ugly.

          1. I’m only on 50mg. I could increase but it seems to give me hot flashes. It’s a trade-off.

      3. I have just started on spiro. I will tell you that in my case, i did experience an initial breakout. it started on day #3 and lasted for about 17 days. now, my skin seems better but i am still getting smaller blemishes, on my chin and forehead (where previously these were not areas of concern for me). I am only about 1 1/2 months in. Someone here once recommended the acne.org site as a resource, and I have found it to be valuable. The IB appears to be common, based on reviews that i have read on that site. I do still use topical (azleaic acid and aczone). I am hoping that this combination works for me. My dose is still at 25 mg/day. You will likely start on a lower dose to see how your body responds. Be aware of foods high in potassium (avocado, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, kale, dates, almonds, in addition of course to bananas).
        As far as what to expect from your dermatologist…i would say, prepare for a two hour wait for a five minute appointment? If you ask for spiro, he/she will likely give it to you. acne is a symptom of a complex series of things, and in order to treat it properly, you really need to find a derm who will talk about hormone levels, diet, products, stress levels, and so on. i have never really found a derm who is willing to take that much time with me. they like to write prescriptions and call it a day.

    3. Finally got my own under control after years, and it was because of a really excellent derm combined with building a Korean beauty routine (check out the blog Snow White and the Asian Pear) and forcing myself to get more sleep.

      Also, how many products do you use? I was using way too many and they were far too harsh, and it was making my acne worse. For instance, I wasn’t using a gentle ph-balanced cleanser, and I would randomly panic and do a bunch of masks. I’ve made my routine much more gentle and consistent and it helped a ton.

      Initial visit will probably be pretty quick, you’ll probably get a couple of prescriptions and make a follow up appointment to check in on progress in a few weeks, and adjust from there. S/he may also offer to inject steroids into some of your existing acne, which will take down the swelling very quickly, but also may make you look like a bit of a mess immediately following.

      In addition to Spironolactone, you’ll probably get an antibiotic rx. I’ve had great luck with Acticlate becuase it also acts as an anti-inflammatory. Even with the derm and diligent routine, it took me a few months to get the acne under control, but now I have NO active break outs and my scars are almost all gone.

      Good luck!

    4. I know your acne is hormonal related but you might also consider changing your diet. Food can affect all sorts of things in the body and if you’re having a inflammation reaction to something you’re eating (even if you consider it to be normally healthy) that could be a cause. Maybe keep a food diary for a month and notice if there is any correlation between outbreaks and certain meals. Good luck.

        1. Sorry, what? Are you objecting to her username and the fact that she links to her business? She provided a topical and useful response to the OP. Nitpicking her name reminds me of the dress code for the Plastics in Mean Girls.

    5. For my fairly significant backne, it was a miracle (Retin-A controls my face). Completely clear. Forget how long it took, but I do remember thinking it was much longer than it was supposed to be — maybe one year for the full perfect results. Great improvement more quickly though, after a period of worsening. Nothing else had worked, including Accutane.

      Make sure you get your potassium levels checked right before you start for a baseline. Spiro can cause a serious electrolyte imbalance. Studies apparently show no greater incidence in spiro users vs non-users but I had the problem (rectified by cutting way back on high potassium foods) and my doctor has other anecdotal cases. Just make sure you stay on it even if your doctor doesn’t follow you closely with labs.

      1. +1

        Spironolactone cured all of my cystic acne, and all acne on my chest and face. It also decreased my facial hair and body hear, and now I don’t get stinky feet anymore.

        Retina-A for my face also assists for controlling smaller acne.

        Check your lab tests a couple times the first year to check potassium and renal function, then yearly. Birth control on Spiro.

      2. +1

        My prior post got lost but…

        Spiro + Retin-A was a miracle for me.

        Spironolactone got all of my cysts, and all of my chest/back acne. I started on a low dose, and we increased it a little every month or two until all the cysts were gone. The Rein-A helped with my scars, shrunk my pores, and helped get rid of the small whiteheads in my T zone.

        Some wonderful side effects of spironolactone – decreased facial hair. No more smelly feet in summer when I wear shoes without socks. Decreased underarm perspiration. Just so so wonderful and these things alone have improved my quality of life and fashion options.

        I will probably be on spironolactone until I die, and fortunately, I have decided not to have children so it is possible…

        Acne really destroyed my self-confidence and life options as a teen/young adult, and I really wish my parents had gotten me to a dermatologist earlier. I was from a working class family that struggled, and appearance was never discussed and I always assumed a dermatologist was a luxury for my rich classmates. I would be a very different person right now if we had realized that health insurance covered dermatology visits. Sad but true.

    6. I have been taking spirinolactone for my hormonal acne for about 5 years and I am a huge proponent of it. My dermatologist prescribed it during my annual skin check visit when I brought up the acne. She did tell me that I had to come back shortly after starting it (either a week or a month I think) to have a blood test for my potassium level (I believe – it has been 5 years), but that test came back fine. She also scheduled a follow-up appointment for several months later so that we could check the results.

      I started out at 100mg a day and two years ago she reduced it to 50mg a day. I am still incredibly happy with the results.

    7. Spironolactone was the game changer I was looking for, it worked wonders for my hormonal acne and also gave me much lighter periods. As another commenter mentioned, my dermatologist required initial blood work and ongoing annual rechecks, but I’m so pleased with the results it’s worth the extra hassle.

  12. Did anyone else experience a lot of friend betrayals and abandonment in their late 20’s/early 30’s? I have, and I’ve really been beating myself up over it, but I recently saw an acquaintance who told me an eerily similar story about one of her best friends. The common thread seems to be the friends getting into toxic, potentially abusive relationships, leaning heavily on us for support for a while, and eventually choosing the guy in a way that simultaneously ends the friendship in a dramatic fashion that we didn’t see coming. Like the friendship equivalent of coming home from work one day to divorce papers on top of a pile of your broken possessions. Logically I think I kind of get it (they can’t get out of the relationship so they eventually turn on the people who get in the way of their denial), but that doesn’t make me less hurt or angry.

    I guess I just want to commiserate or see if anyone has insight.

    1. Not directly on point but I am mid-30’s and was remarking to another friend about how I felt there were so many toxic people in my life than there used to be. She pointed out that when we’re young, like college and mid-20’s that we basically bounce around thinking everything is great and then life bitch slaps us a few times (parents die, health deteriorates, relationships implode). Some people get bitter and angry and some don’t. I think she’s right and I might say to you that these could be friends who just aren’t handling things well. Concentrate on your friends who are staying positive and true.

    2. I don’t know about friend betrayals and abandonment, but yes I have had a lot of friendships fizzle in the same time frame. One fizzled hard after a disagreement that I thought had been resolved when I apologized for being a b*tch, so I suppose that was somewhat dramatic. But it’s also true that most of my friends through my 20’s and 30’s were walking the same life path I was generally speaking: high school, college, job (or grad school and then job). I had a number of friends from both high school and college through my late 20’s. Our paths have diverged a bit in the past five years or so. I was also single/in and out of short relationships for most of my 20’s and didn’t really have any hobbies. Both of those things have changed.

      Long-winded way of saying, friendships change, people change, people grow apart. I don’t know that it constitutes betrayal necessarily. Which isn’t to say it doesn’t hurt. I have a particular friend I’ve grown apart from, we’ll call her A. A and I were besties for years and years. Logically I can say that we’ve both changed in the past few years, and contact has gradually fallen off, but emotionally I find it hurtful that we don’t really talk anymore and I tend to leave conversations with her feeling sad about how trivial they were.

    3. I’ve had a few friendships end in my late 20’s/early 30’s, but mostly just due to lives taking different directions. Some people lean into their careers, others have kids, etc. I did have one friend that got into a toxic relationship (although I didn’t know it at the time, I thought he was great). She broke up with me because I said I supported marijuana legalization. It still strikes me as weird, even more so since she recently moved to California. Now that I realize her fiance had serious anger issues, I wonder if that was affecting her.

      Its been a couple of years since she ended the friendship, and she got rid of the guy, too. She’s recently started texting a couple of old friends. Not much, just a comment or two. Maybe just give your friend some time to sort things through?

  13. We are planning an intervention for my sister later this week. It turns out my aunt was married to an abusive man and had a child with him before getting out. I never knew this. She’s going to participate and tell her story since she sees similarities in my sister’s relationship and the beginning of hers.

    If my sister refuses to leave but is still willing to engage with us on our concerns, I’d like her to attend al-anon and her fiancé attend AA. I feel like he’s said before that AA didn’t work for him before. There have been a lot of discussions about alcoholism here this week. What are some other resources I could try to point him to if he resists AA?

    Any general intervention advice is welcome too. Senior Attorney, I said people are not improvement projects and my dad thought that was genius.

    1. You shouldn’t say anything about what her FI should be doing. This isn’t his intervention!

      1. I’m thinking ahead in case she refuses to break up with him. Sort of a suggestion that would make us more likely to support her relationship but a last resort position in the days and weeks following the intervention. The focus will be totally on her that day.

    2. What about a focus on getting him to agree to a short residential treatment program? Even a week or two of programming might keep them separate and allow her to clear her head and get some perspective on the relationship.

      1. I had not considered that because he does not have insurance and has serious medical debt already. We can look into that though. I like the thought of her getting some space from him during that time.

        1. What about a day program in a location (away from sister) where he has family? Could he stay with a brother/friend and attend a day program? Those are usually less than a residential program.

        2. I’d consider a good medical doctor who he connects with, and supporting him in interviewing doctors and getting to the one he chooses. The GP can then coordinate care with psych and meds and complementary and alternative care. There is no effective way to evaluate AA because it’s anonymous by nature, that doesn’t mean it’s bad, but it does mean that family (wives, for example) can have access to different information and metrics for his health. The info might help her leave, and the science might help him get better.

    3. There are a lot of different kinds of alcohol treatment programs. AA has an incredible reputation because “no one really ever talks about it” and there isn’t actually any scientific data to back up their statistics… because it’s anonymous. It is very possible that the fiance doesn’t respond well in an AA type setting. I would recommend seeking out other kinds of alcoholism treatment, whether its therapy, medication, a mix, or something else. And have that list of available options ready for the intervention. Good luck!

      1. That’s exactly what I am asking for. What are the other organizations?

        1. In moderation with a longer reply, but check out SMART recovery both for sister and her fiance.

    4. Look at SMART Recovery as an AA alternative. They have a book (& workbook, I believe) for family members that may be helpful for your sister, as well as groups (like al anon and AA), therapists/programs in that style vs 12-step, etc.

  14. I’ve only recently gotten into taking baths. What are your favourite indulgences (brands, etc) for bath things?

    1. Epsom salts ( from Walmart or Costco) and a glass of wine ( or herbal tea if I have hit my limit of alcoholic drinks for the week)

      Simple and effective

    2. My review of the Intelex microwavable stuffed fox handwarmer that was posted before Christmas: It’s wonderful. Warm, smells lovely, satisfying weight to it. I bought it to warm my hands in my chilly office (don’t give an f about professionalism, at least I wear shoes when walking to the printer unlike some colleagues). The only problem is that my 3-year-old saw it when Amazon shipped it to my house, and immediately fell in love with “Mr. Foxy”. And after 3 straight days of hearing sad little sighs and comments about how Mr. Foxy is probably crying from being left alone all night in my office with no one to cuddle, I relented and brought it home. And now my hands are cold in the office again. The End.

      1. This made me laugh out loud. I have “Hooty,” the owl, which I insisted my little brother buy for me for Christmas after seeing the reviews here, and it’s hands down my favorite part of bed at night now.

        To answer OP’s question: Lush bath bombs, L’Occitane lavender scented bubble bath/anything they make, a tiny table next to the bath (one of the folding tables that’s usually used outside, it sits between my washer and dryer and the wall in my bathroom when not in use), where I set my iPad and watch West Wing or other shows/movies in the bath, a chick-lit book if I don’t want to watch stuff, a candle in the bathroom.

        I take a LOT of baths. It’s an art form by now. My family used to call them princess baths, which is not an unfair name for what I do.

    3. Aura Cacia mineral bath packets. They come in a bunch of scents and are basically just scented epsom salts.

    4. Dr. Teal’s epsom salts in different scents–you can also combine with their bubble bath in the same scent if you want bubbles (Target, Amazon, etc.).

    5. Bubble bath is really drying to your skin and can upset the PH balance of your vag, so don’t soak in bubbles for hours. I love using different mineral salts and bath bombs from Lush.

      Also, light a candle and play some nice music.

    6. To answer OP’s question: Lush bath bombs, L’Occitane lavender scented bubble bath/anything they make, a tiny table next to the bath (one of the folding tables that’s usually used outside, it sits between my washer and dryer and the wall in my bathroom when not in use), where I set my iPad and watch West Wing or other shows/movies in the bath, a chick-lit book if I don’t want to watch stuff, a candle in the bathroom.

      I take a LOT of baths. It’s an art form by now. My family used to call them princess baths, which is not an unfair name for what I do.

    7. My sister made some great homemade bath bombs she found on pinterest. It was pretty easy but I am not sure what site. It definitely had lavender in it.

  15. Is it appropriate to ask an in-house recruiter if there are still other candidates being considered for a job I interviewed for last week? She told me today that they were very impressed with my interview, that they are moving into the reference-checking stage, and that they’re scheduling the exam required for employment (nursing).

    1. Nah, at this stage, you should just ask how long it will take to get the final written offer!

      1. Oh thank god. I’ve been unemployed for 4 months and this is my dream job. Thanks!

  16. What was he longest “break” from working? Either for a layoff, LOA, FMLA, caregiving, having kids etc…..?

    What is your field?

    What was your return like?

    1. I was out for six months after I had a kid. I actually planned to go back to my old job before the kid came, but new job gave me an offer to start about six months after my due date, so I was like “eh, never mind old job.” It was kind of unbelievably convenient. But anyway, TL;DR, six months, because of a kid.

    2. 6 months maternity leave, went back to my old job, was tough the first couple of months, but mostly due to adjusting to a new routine with a newborn and pumping, otherwise I was surprised by how easy it was to go back to the actual work and catch up on what I had missed
      hope it helps

    3. Six months when I was laid off from one law job before finding another. It was horrible and stressful because I was less than a year out of law school so I had no experience to speak off, my first job had just barely been paying me enough to live on, so I had no savings, and I had massive student debt. DH was in grad school earning $25,000 a year, and we lived in one of the most expensive cities in the US, so our finances were extremely tight. Fortunately I landed a great job in Big Law after six months. I was hired as a first year which was great because it meant I wasn’t ashamed to be the newbie and ask zillions of stupid questions. Because of that, my return wasn’t stressful at all.

    4. I’ve been working since I was 14. Always had some side job even in college and law school. I moved for my post law school job and took the bar course and bar in my new state. My new job did not start until September. I was busy studying for the bar May-July but the post bar, pre-job August was really strange for me. I ended up volunteering at an animal shelter because I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no money to travel or do anything exciting like spa days. I worked out and volunteered.

      Actually, I didn’t realize until now, I did the same thing after undergrad. Moved home and volunteered at an animal shelter while applying for full time jobs. I needed a reason to get out of the house each day. I was also facing the possibility of a law enforcement academy depending on what job I got, so I also worked out with a trainer during that time to be able to pass the entrance exam.

    5. My longest was when I had a bad broken bone and was out for nine weeks. It happened the first day of a planned three-week vacation so I only missed six weeks of actual planned work. I was a senior associate at a law firm back then. I was fortunate that my firm kept paying me and it was really not a huge deal in the scheme of things.

  17. Yall. If you want to read something hilarious/awful go to Lamar Alexander’s facebook page. People are so mad about the DeVos thing and the comments are amazing. 99% agreement from democrats and republicans and complete and total outrage.

    1. I’m so glad. I know a lot of Republicans – including many who voted for Trump and favor the wall and the immigration ban – who are upset about DeVos. I’m surprised Congress won’t listen to their constituents, because it seems like there is pretty broad bipartisan opposition to her.

    2. Not that I’m a DeVos fan (far from it) but it saddens me that the only time we can get bipartisan opposition to someone is when it’s a woman.

      1. I’d feel worse if she weren’t about to dismantle our entire public education system and replace it with evangelical Christian for-profit charter schools.

        1. I agree, I get it, but I think Jeff Sessions is objectively worse.

          I emailed both of my senators with my objections to DeVos and Sessions.

          I’m just saying, it’s a lot easier to get male conservatives riled up about an unqualified woman than it is about an unqualified man (see: Trump)

          1. Me three. My husband, who is really into politics, also says that education is one of the areas where the Feds have comparatively less influence. We agree DeVos has terrible ideas, but Sessions can probably do more harm.

  18. The national political situation was taking over my life, largely due to the constant stream of information and emotion from Facebook. I had to disconnect for my own sanity and asked my husband to change my password so i can’t get in. But now I’m afraid I’m going to be disconnected from the latest issues and movements. I’ve signed up for a text service (Daily Action) to help direct my communication with representatives and I read news on the AP app and follow a variety of sources on Twitter. Any other suggestions for staying connected?

    I mostly feel bad about my local “Indivisible” Group, but many of them were retired or had jobs that allowed them to spend all day driving to various offices to protest or get an audience with a rep. But I also felt it was becoming a dumping ground for everyone’s fears and not a useful, action-driven group.

      1. CapHillStyle had some recommendations for other similar services that aren’t The Skimm the other day (a lot of the commenters there were not fans of it anymore due to its tone.)

    1. I’m not on facebook (never have been) and don’t feel disconnected from the issues.

      I subscribe to NYT and get breaking news alerts.

      Check in on WaPo, Politico, and Slate a couple times a day. Also listen to NPR to/from work.

      I have a list of the phone numbers of the five people who represent me (2 senators, my congressional rep, and my state-level house / senate rep) and I rotate making brief calls to them on my lunch break.

      I’ve tried to be open minded and find right-center or right-but-not-crazy news sources so I’m not just in an echo chamber, but no luck yet. Suggestions, hive?

      1. Have you seen that chart going around that groups news organizations according to bias? Google “news organizations bias graph” and look in images for an elephant-looking thing.

        Obviously you’ll disagree with the groupings if you think NPR is hopelessly liberal or FoxNews is barely even right-wing, but it’s a start.

        1. I’ve been kind of disappointed in them lately…I expect them to be an independent news source from a conservative perspective but they’ve seemed awfully accommodating to the administration so far. Zero coverage of the women’s march in the print edition and very little coverage of the immigration protests and editorial choices that seemed pretty Fox News-y…it’s made me sad.

          1. Yeah, the refusal to refer to the 7 countries in the immigration EO as “majority-Muslim countries” seemed pretty outrageous. That’s just a fact.

        2. WSJ has a bunch of daily email digests too. I’ve signed up for several of those in addition to the NY Times one and the Broadsheet.

    2. I like The Broadsheet, which is focused more on women’s careers but definitely covers political issues/current events that impact women as well.

  19. Somehow, I got really busy with life in my late 20s (thank you, BigLaw) and am waking up now to a closet full of I-was-too-busy-to-shop compromise choices for bad business-casual clothes. Ugh — how many black pants and shells and cardigans does a person need, especially when they are all meh?!

    Vowing — I’m going to wear the heck out of the few fabulous things I have. No more saving for a good occasion. The rest of the stuff is getting boxed up and if it stays in boxes as planned, it will be easy to take to Goodwill.

    1. Love this! For the past few months I have kept a giant shopping bag next to my closet and whenever I put something on and thought, “meh” I tossed it in. Taking it all to a women’s club thrift store soon.

    2. Mid-20s too-busy-to-shop person here, would love your black pants and shells and cardigans. (It’s unnerving how you’ve pinpointed my wardrobe, haha.)

    3. Marie Kondo would say don’t bother keeping all those boxes of old stuff, donate/toss them immediately.

      1. Yeah, but Marie Kondo doesn’t have the downside risk of being wrong. My wallet does.

        Biglaw biglaw biglaw — all I do all day is manage downside risk! This is like not wearing a seatbelt b/c you likely won’t be in an accident.

        Srsly, I have moved out 3 goodwill boxes this month already.

        1. Ship it all to ThredUp and your wallet will thank you. I had been saving so many “skinny” clothes and I shipped them ALL away and I’m so much happier.

    4. Good for you. This will be a fun year.

      This year I had a similar pledge. A few years ago I had a new job assignment that involved more travel and I was panicked. I bought nicer things that could travel easily and they were more expensive than I was used to.

      I’m now realizing that I really do have the basics covered, and then some, and can part with some mistakes and some items that are just plain worn out. (I’m sorry, there is really no such thing as forever-investment dressing. I’m lucky if I get three years out of something before it starts looking droopy/worn.)

      I made a list of what I really need, and am ordering just items from that list, and mercilessly sending them back if I don’t love them. So far I’ve ordered 10 things and returned 8 in January.

      We should do a regular thread this! I’d like to hear what you find.

  20. I am a midlevel in biglaw and am working with a senior associate and partner on a deal. The senior associate disclosed her very early pregnancy to me today (partly because she plans to go home by midnight each night and wanted me to know why). She’s also experiencing a lot of morning sickness (aka all day sickness). I’ve never been pregnant so I don’t know – are there things I can do to accommodate her beyond stepping up a bit at work? Or something small I could bring her that worked for your morning sickness, like a special kind of gum? TIA.

    1. I ate a ton of Reed’s ginger candy. It’s easy to carry around and moderately discreet. And it’s candy. Allegedly.

    2. Don’t wear fragrances around her, and avoid having food/drinks around her (which may not be possible, so maybe try to have less smelly stuff if possible). Offer to get her water, tea, etc if you are getting up to get something for yourself. Maybe get some saltines and pb crackers (I like the mini sandwich crackers) to keep around and tell her she’s free to take some of your stash. I found getting a little protein was helpful.

    3. Man, this is what I hate about BigLaw — explaining leaving by midnight each night.

      +1 to snack breaks

    4. Try to avoid creating smells of any kind–fragranced lotions, food, etc. Avoid overheating shared spaces if you have thermostat control. Defer to her on restaurant selection when ordering food as a group. Don’t make any assumptions about what foods will work best for her. Everyone thinks chicken noodle soup is comforting to a sick tummy, but it inevitably made me throw up. All I could eat was cheese and nuts, which everyone found weird. If you are in long meetings, suggest breaks every hour.

      1. +1 any soup is a bad combo of liquid and solid for me, which can make nausea worse for some people. I had to wait to drink after eating (and vice versa) when my morning sickness was particularly bad.

    5. Honestly I love your post so much I could kiss you. I’m so used to seeing “my coworker is pregnant/has kids and now I have to pick up the slack.” You are so sweet to even think of how to help her out.

      I had all day sickness too, and developed lifelong aversions to certain foods/smells. Like, don’t even think of eating a banana around me. I will cut you.

      Aside from asking her what bothers her, I think you just continue be as understanding as you are right now. You’re a kind person.

  21. Feeling shaken up. I posted a very thoughtful, reasoned comment on my high school civic’s teacher’s facebook post this morning (I was agreeing with my former teacher’s original post, FWIW, I was not picking a fight). One of my former teacher’s “friends” immediately began mansplaining and name-calling, then went to my own page and found the one single post I had made visible to “friends of friends” because I had had a few people share it. He posted some alt-right propaganda, my friends piled on him (I stayed out of it), and he deleted his comment within about 45 minutes. But not before calling me “clueless,” “silly,” and an “idiot” (even though I had not responded to him on that thread at all), telling my husband that it was his “job” to “defend” me because he is my husband, and telling one of my female friends to make him a sandwich.

    1) Does anybody know how to “view as” a friend of a friend on Facebook so I can catch additional similar posts? I check my public page regularly, but this one post slipped through the cracks because it isn’t exactly public. I hadn’t expected a “friend of a friend” to prey on me in such a malicious way.

    2) What in the everloving f ??? I hadn’t thought that this type of “make me a sandwich” B S still existed, at least not out in the open such that a grown, professional man would feel comfortable calling names and saying these things. This is not some forum thread, we have a mutual friend and nobody is anonymous here.

    1. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me [insert insult] on FB when I post a reasoned response to some right-wing propaganda . . . well, I wouldn’t need those retirement threads!

      (1) When you go to your profile page, click the ellipses next to the Activity Log button on the lower right hand corner of your cover photo. You’ll see the “View As” selection.

      (2) There are lots of those people around still, Trump is giving them an opportunity to feel really comfortable spouting their idiocy. Best to let it roll off your back.

      1. Hi CountC, yes, I know how to do #1 but the problem is you can only view it as a specific friend, or “Public.” I’m trying to find the “Friends of Friends” option and it seems to not exist. :(

    2. I have a acquaintance who, after I shared an article shaming Trump’s pussy-grabbing comments months ago, made several comments on my post basically saying that I’m “kidding myself” if I don’t think my husband and every other man I know says those things with their friends, before deleting all the comments 30m later. Then, in response to the Women’s Marches he posted the following: #lonelywomen #catsneedadopting #yarnneedsknitting. Needless to say, I unfriended him.

    3. Here’s what. You get to forget about this and go on with your life.

      His punishment is that when he wakes up tomorrow, and every day after that, he’s still himself. And he has to live with that. He sounds like a nasty, miserable person. I can’t imagine his life has any joy in it at all if he gets his jollies insulting strangers on the internet.

      Don’t let the b as tar ds get you down.

  22. Does anyone find that one (or both) leg of their jeans tends to twist around, such that the seam is at the inseam at your thighs but nearly at the front of the leg at your ankles? I used to think I was just buying too cheap of jeans, but my WHBM jeans do this too, and I would have expected better. Is it something around how I’m walking? It’s not a big issue, but it kind of bugs me that I have to straighten out one leg of my jeans once or twice through the day.

    1. Yes, largely on my left leg, but also to a small degree on the right. I’ve always assumed it was related to being mildly pigeon-toed on top of having left hip dysplasia. Do your feet/legs turn inwards at all?

      1. This has happened to me under the right circumstances of jeans-tightness, sock-wearing, boot fit etc. but if anything my feet turn out!

      2. I’m not aware that my feet or legs turn in at all, but mine happens on the left too!

  23. Has anyone tried DIY mineral makeup? I usually wear bare essentuals, and I’ve seen DIY instructions to mix your own with arrowroot powder, nutmeg, etc to get the right shade. Can anyone share their experience with trying this? I’m just looking for cheaper alternatives to the $20-25 jar of powder.

  24. Hey — I posted this in response to your question on the morning thread, but it’s getting later, so posting here as well.

    Really depends where you’re going. If you’re going to be in the mountains (Quito, Otavalo, Cuenca, Loja, etc.), temperatures will range widely. It was 80 degrees when I went to the zoo in Quito in late June, and we sunburned fast, but then at the top of the gondola ride it was probably 50. It was 40 in Cuenca in late July, and I froze in my capris and sandals. Unlike Chris, I didn’t feel weird in colors, but then I already stood out for my height and hair color. It is true that the mountains are more conservative in color and dress.

    (Side note — I super, super recommend this side trip: http://www.julioverne-travel.com/index.php/en/andes-highlands/biking/chimborazo-hike-bike)

    If you’re going to the coast (Guayaquil, Esmeraldas, Montañita, Manta, Salinas, etc.), it will be 85 degrees or more. Despite the heat, it is still quite common to wear jeans and closed-toed shoes in settings you might consider casual (e.g. on a university campus, or when driving out to the countryside to visit a park). I felt safe and comfortable, however, in longer shorts/ capris and sleeved t-shirts, and you won’t turn heads by going sleeveless or wearing a knee-length sundress.

    It’s a lovely country — have a wonderful time!

  25. Do you know people/families that are immigrants?

    I have several family friends that are immigrants. Some have been here many decades. Some are highly educated with PhDs, others less so, working trades/ minimum wage jobs. All are working, have families and are here for the long haul.

    I have been very surprised how many of them do not vote.

    The majority, actually, do not vote.

    And the main reason is that they have not become full citizens.

    Some of my more educated friends haven’t become citizens because they have ?looked down on the US in the past, some talk about retaining their birth country citizenship as an issue, some…. No reason. My less educated friends do not speak English well, and I think worry it would be too difficult. They are also comfortably ensconced in a large ex-pat community of folks in similar positions. For example one family emigrated from Bosnia as refugees during the war many years ago, and none of them or their relatives and close friends vote. And they are all Muslims.

    I have started encouraging them strongly to become full citizens. And to vote.

    1. My best friend from college is an immigrant and chose not to pursue citizenship because she did not want to give up her citizenship in her country of origin, which does not permit dual citizenship. During a previous period of political turmoil in our home state, she joked about becoming a citizen so she could vote.

    2. My husband is an immigrant with two PhDs. He came here for school and stayed because I didn’t want to move to his home country (western Europe). We have no friends of his nationality here and he is pretty much fully assimilated. He hasn’t become a citizen because he would have to give up his citizenship in his home country under their laws. I would have preferred that he take US citizenship, but I haven’t pushed because until recently I couldn’t fathom giving up my US citizenship. Now? Our kids are dual citizens and I have the right to live and work there based on our marriage. I’m so grateful that he didn’t become a US citizen – it gives us as a family many more options, even if I’d prefer not to use them.

      1. This is us in Canada. DH has a phd but would have to give up his European country citizenship to get Canadian. He would love to have dual. His home country allows dual to age 18 so right now our kids have both.

        1. My SIL just recently became a dual citizen of the US where she was born and an EU country where her husband is from. Getting the EU country citizenship has made it much easier for her to work and move around, but she’s lived there for years and worked for several companies in that time. I’m not sure what she would have done if she’d had to give up her US citizenship.

    3. I live in an area of Canada with tons of immigrants. In university, white people were practically a minority.

      My closest friend’s husband is an immigrant, a Muslim, and now a dual citizen.

    4. All of my immigrant friends from countries that allow dual-citizenship have become citizens and vote. However, it is a slow process so pushing your friends along may not be appreciated. My friends that would give up their home citizenship have not done so. This is a very personal decision and can have many implications, including for their children/future children. I would be very careful in how you encourage your friends and make sure you are listening to their reasons for not changing.

    5. I have many friends who are immigrants. Some came as refugees, some as students, others as workers. Most of them have not even gotten to a point where they can consider citizenship because there are so darn many hoops and visa issues to get through. From student visa’s to H1B’s to green cards, etc, it’s all so complicated, crazy and expensive. Many are at the mercy of their employers, the legal system, and (seemingly) which way the wind is blowing.

      All of the latest on immigration does nothing but add even more stress to the situation. I’ve reached out to many of them personally to let them know that I stand with them on these issues.

    6. Child of immigrant families here. They are all citizens and all vote. I know immigrant families of other countries, though, and sometimes citizenship and voting is more a matter of circumstance and factors – what age you came (did you have three jobs or were you a student or a baby), who you came with (parents, on your own?), what community you were in when you came, what your home country was like and what your attitudes of it are, what decade you came, what or who you left behind, how accepting your new community or country was of your skin color, religion, national heritage, etc.

      People have complicated views on what is “home” to them and what level of attachment they want to give it.

    7. My parents are immigrants. We always talked about politics at home and they always voted, occasionally donated to campaigns, etc. A lot of other family members immigrated about 10 years ago and have been citizens for a little while now, and the ones who are around my age (~30) definitely vote. Not sure about their parents. I have a LOT of immigrant friends (mostly not from the same place as my family) and they all vote too.

    8. I know you mean well, and I don’t mean to be snarky or critical, but as someone who has worked on immigration issues and with immigrant, please keep in mind that chances are the immigrants you are talking about are not stateless, they are indeed full citizens. They just aren’t citizens of the United States. It is a long process, it takes patience and paperwork and an exam, and many people who are in the United States have not yet met the requirements. Some are in the process. For others, they do not wish to give up the country of their birth, or know that giving up their current citizenship may mean their children no longer have the right to citizenship in their home country (it varies widely) and aren’t willing to do that. I know it’s a tiny thing, but there really isn’t such thing as a “partial citizen” of any country, including ours. One very good friend of mine who lived in the United States for decades but kept her European citizenship pointed out that she did not intend to run for president, didn’t want to be called for jury duty, and didn’t intend to vote…just like most U.S. citizens, so saw no advantage to going through the long process to acquire it. A lot of people are happy to live in the United States and pay their taxes and never have any intention of becoming a citizen.

    9. I used to practice immigration law and I always tell green card holders that I CANNOT emphasize enough how essential it is to get citizenship once you’re eligible. For one thing because you don’t want an error in judgment to lead to deportation. For example, a DUI is a bad thing, but it can be FAR worse for a green card holder than a citizen.

    10. Becoming a citizen is a pretty personal decision, I’m a permanent resident (25+ years) and have hesitated filing for citizenship because it feels like I am giving up a part of myself that I am not sure I’m ready to disconnect from. My family immigrated here when I was in 2nd grade and I’m fully assimilated, educated and doing the full-on American thing. However there’s a small part of me that feels like I’ve already given up so much to assimilate that I want to keep a part of the original me. Given the current political climate I am submitting for citizenship but speaking frankly, I am resentful that I have to make that choice as a measure of protection instead of it being on my terms.

    11. One of my best friends in college was a refugee from Yugoslavia. A good friend from clerking was a Somalian refugee. Both were US citizens. As refugees they didn’t have a realistic opportunity to return to their home countries and worked extremely hard to make good lives for themselves in the US.

      I am a criminal defense attorney and tell all of my non US citizen clients to become citizens as soon as they are eligible and to have their family become citizens. Sadly it is too late for many of my clients and they face deportation to countries they haven’t lived in for decades.

    12. I don’t get this. If you want to come to the US so badly, and you stay for years, commit and become a citizen. If you’re not willing to be a citizen of the country you are living in, and fully participate, stay home.

      1. And I don’t get why you’d make such a myopic statement. Obviously people aren’t waking up and thinking “oh let’s be whimsical and uproot our entire lives and leave our country today”. You’d get this if you tried to leave your head and privilege a bit and think about what circumstances/experiences would drive someone to leave another country. Choice is the fabric of American society and I am thankful for that.

      2. And I don’t get how you can read all of these comments that thoughtfully and thoroughly articulate the reasons people might have for living here but not becoming a citizen, and your only response is “derp derp derp I don’t get this. Go away! You can’t sit with us!!”

        Try harder. Do better. The women on this board have literally spelled it out for you. Your failure to “get” this rests entirely with you.

  26. I’m looking for a referral for a prenup attorney in DC. We both want a prenup, but I want to make sure I have a lawyer to help with my side of things. Do we each get one? Who drafts the initial agreement?

    1. You each get a lawyer. In my case, the moneyed party paid for both attorneys and drafted the initial agreement.

  27. Yeah, in my family the issue is that the US does not allow dual citizenship. “I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen,” is part of the oath in the citizenship ceremony. While I love the word “potentate,” I understand that not everyone wants to completely separate from their country of origin. Especially since kids born here are automatically citizens, so it’s not like you have to become a citizen to clear a path for your child.

  28. Predictions for the sc pick tonight? Does anyone have a good primer on the finalists? My impression so far that they are similar to what any republican would have picked- true or are they out there?

    1. I think Gorsuch, who seems the most likely nominee, is also the most mainstream. The others are a little more out there but not super crazy by Trump standards. I mean, he could have nominated someone who didn’t even have a law degree or something like that – at least all four finalists are respected judges. I can definitely see Gorsuch being nominated by Bush or McCain or Kasich if they’d won.

      1. That said, I think he is pretty conservative. I definitely see him following the Scalia mold closely, not being a swing vote like Kennedy. But pretty conservative is also what most other Republicans would have gone for.

  29. I have Trump fatigue. I also had it before the election. The two partners next to me love and adore him and love to talk about how terribly intolerant “the Left” is. (Note to Trump lovers: Trump opponents aren’t really any more monolithic than you are). Today one of them was preaching a slightly more eloquent/verbose version of the old “We won, get over it” chant. I believe the best way for me to deal with them is to ignore them. Reading an article about how Trump supporters are actually thrilled with the wall and the ban just made me more discouraged. Reading articles about Trump is going to fast-track us into a dictatorship make me nervous. How is everybody else dealing?

    1. (PS – I know there was a thread about this this morning. I’m just venting, really).

    2. Please don’t be discouraged. Try reading CBC or BBC news to keep up without being overwhelmed and to see some of the international solidarity. Automate a few actions like a monthly contribution and a weekly phone call to your rep but once you do those things give yourself permission to check out and dial back. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Working in an office with vocal Trump supporters is hard and it’s okay to limit the news and engagement to a level that is healthy for you. Try to focus on reading stories about the helpers like all the lawyers who showed up at the airports last weekend. Maybe put a jar in your desk drawer and add a dollar everytime they praise trump them donate it to an anti trump cause.

    3. So many hugs. The only good thing about the dumpster fire of 2016 for me was that I got a great new job and got to quit the place I previously worked that was filled with sexist, racsist, a-holes who were all Trump supporters. I know I could not have gone in there on Nov. 9th, so I think you’re super strong.
      As far as handling the news…I’ve been trying to avoid Facebook and Twitter except for designated brief breaks to get the news. If you’re on there all the time, you just fall further and further into a rage/fear spiral. I’ve also been calling my senators and reps every morning to complain about one specific issue. It takes less than 10 minutes to call all three of them. That makes me feel like I’m doing something – even if it’s really small – and (politely) venting my views out loud to their interns or voicmail helps ease my frustrations a bit.
      Other than that, self-care, whatever that looks like for you. For me it means Starbucks’ iced coffee every morning, lots of doggie snuggles, distracting myself with TV and books that aren’t related to politics (goodbye to Veep, my formerly favorite show), a few like-minded friends I can vent to and taking Zzzquil to help me sleep.

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