Corporette.com

Updated: Oct 30, 2018 410 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Ramha Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love the structure of this very interesting plaid blazer — the cinched waist and the unusually plain round collar — and I can't remember seeing a plaid blazer with this very feminine shape before. Normally the bow detail would be a lot for many women, or the plaid would be a lot for a blazer, but I think the combination works well for work. It's an unusual piece in that it's got the gravitas that you want at work with a sort of playful and fun feel. It's $279 at Club Monaco in sizes XS-L. Ramha Jacket Here's a lower-priced option and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Ann Taylor suit question

    I want to buy a new suit from Ann Taylor. I know they are usually excluded from sales, but do they ever go on sale? I’m a (new) Ann Taylor card holder and apparently we get 15% off the first Tuesday of every month. Are suits excluded from that, too? I might just need to bite the bullet and pay full price, but trying to get a little discount if possible. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I got a suit around Thanksgiving half off. It was so nice but didn’t fit right =( Pears and pencil skirts struggles.

    • Anon

      They definitely go on sale. not all the time but probably 1x/month. I refuse to pay full price for anything there.

    • Jo March

      They do go on sale, but not often. If it’s a suit you really like, I’d bite the bullet and buy it now, as I’ve had trouble finding common sizes once things go on sale there.

    • ollie

      I bought a suit from Ann Taylor a few months ago (in October I think) when they had a 30% off suiting sale. They have this sale every couple of months so it’s worth waiting for. Sometimes certain pieces end up on clearance too, so I was able to get a second jacket in the same suiting fabric a few months later.

    • OP Here

      If you’re near an AT Outlet, they’re great for suiting. They are about half the price and seem to be pretty close in quality from my experience.

  2. Anonymous

    Sally Yates. Thoughts?

    I don’t even know where to start. This guy is crazy. You don’t run government like a company. This isn’t your company and the American people are not your employees that you can just fire.

    • TK

      On the one hand, I totally understand federal employees feeling sick about having to work for a psychopath and being openly defiant. I applaud her taking a stand, and I’m sure she will have no trouble finding another place to work.

      On the other hand, I fear that mass resignations / terminations of reasonable and balanced federal employees who might otherwise serve to keep him in check. What if he fills all those slots with more crazy people?

      Congress, WHERE ARE YOU? Do your job.

      • Anonymous

        She couldn’t keep him in check. I’m glad she went out in a blaze of glory instead of quietly being replaced in February.

    • Anon

      Well, it was within his rights to fire her. The bigger issue is (as I understand it) is that there is now no one authorized to sign off on foreign surveillance warrants. I wonder if this goes to competency….

      And Congress does have the right to stop him from filling slots with crazy people…on the cabinet. And the word is, they’re going to approve all of them….even Sessions’, whose hearing is in 15 minutes.

      • Nabby

        Well the last dude who fired an AG for having a different opinion was Nixon . . .

        • Sydney Bristow

          Yeah my husband immediately pulled up the tv news report that immediately followed all of Nixon’s firings. It could have been a modern day report.

        • JayJay

          (Required caveat that I think Trump is crazy and bad and didn’t vote for him and I admire Sally Yates)

          This isn’t that unprecedented. When Clinton came into office, he fired every single US Attorney across the country. 93 of them. It’s the President’s prerogative to have his appointees serve and to replace those of the prior admin.

          • Anonymous

            But that’s not what’s happening. 45 fired her because he disagreed with the legal advice she provided. In doing so, 45 sacrificed the ability to get surveillance warrants approved which is something that could actually cause security problems until his bull$hit ban on Iranian grandma’s attending their grandkids high school graduations.

          • Bonnie

            Most presidents replace the US attorneys. Firing people without having replacements ready is just irresponsible.

      • Anon

        He did replace her. Dana J. Boente, who was the US Attorney for Eastern District of Virginia.

        • Anonymous

          But apparently it’s not clear that Boente would have the same authority. Yates was subject to Senate confirmation for that role- and Boente has not been yet.

    • Anon

      It is really, really important to not fall into the trap of thinking Trump is “crazy” or “incompetent” or a “psycho.” He knows exactly what he is doing and is doing exactly what he promised for months. I have posted this link before and I will again (below).

      “Rule #1: Believe the autocrat. He means what he says. Whenever you find yourself thinking, or hear others claiming, that he is exaggerating, that is our innate tendency to reach for a rationalization. This will happen often: humans seem to have evolved to practice denial when confronted publicly with the unacceptable. “

      • CountC

        I agree with this. He absolutely knows what he is doing. None of this is an accident. He is not doing any of this because he is “crazy,” unless you mean crazy like a fox.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Completely agree. I think it’s crazy to want what he wants, but he is doing exactly what he’s said he wanted.

      • fdadfa s fads

        Yeah I agree. Which is why I’m pissed at all the Republicans who said “he won’t actually build a wall”, “there won’t actually be a muslim ban”, “he will listen to Congress”

        • Anon

          Have you ever considered viewing a person and his or her beliefs separately? To be pissed at Republicans for beliefs they held is to equate the belief with the person. It would be tolerant to separate a person from a belief since a person can change her beliefs.

          • Anonymous

            Your beliefs define the core of who you are as a person. If your beliefs change, then you are changed. There’s no separate ‘beliefs’ and ‘person’.

          • Batgirl

            No. What is a person if not his or her beliefs? You don’t get to segregate yourself from your beliefs. You can change your beliefs and change who you are as a person, but you don’t get a free pass to hold terrible views and somehow get to keep a safe distance from them.

          • Anon

            So you cannot be agreeable with a person who holds a belief with which you disagree? If the person and her beliefs are one and the same, how can you accept or tolerate anyone with a viewpoint outside your own?

            Not trying to be snarky- I really can’t wrap my head around this

          • Anon

            Then how can you stay friends with someone who holds a belief different than your own?

          • anon

            What? You can be mad at someone for their belief/action/inaction without thinking they’re generally a terrible person. How else would you ever be mad at someone? You’re acting like she said, all Trump supporters are horrible people because they believe X.

          • Anonymous

            You decide if the belief difference is something you can live with or not. I can be friends with someone who believes cash bars at weddings are okay, even though I disagree. I cannot be friends with some who believes a Muslim ban is okay, because I find it horrifying.

          • Anonymous

            Are you serious? It’s totally possible to be friends with someone that doesn’t share your every belief.
            Certain things are deal breakers in a friendship – just like in a romantic relationship.

            I’m a practicing Episcopalian and I have friends that are Muslim and Jewish. We don’t have to worship the same god to have the same or similar beliefs. In the current climate, I would likely not be able to maintain a friendship with Trump supporter but luckily in my family and friends, there are none.

          • nasty woman

            “Have you ever considered viewing a person and his or her beliefs separately? To be pissed at Republicans for beliefs they held is to equate the belief with the person. It would be tolerant to separate a person from a belief since a person can change her beliefs.”

            My god, no, being pissed at someone for his beliefs is NOT NECESSARILY equating the belief with the person. Nor does it make sense to state that a person should always be considered separate from his or her beliefs. What terribly flawed thinking.

            You can be pissed off at someone for believing something (especially where that person’s believing something can *actively harm you or your loved ones,* for example, via legislation those people are empowered to enact) and still believe that a person is a good person (or at least not fundamentally evil). It’s like being pissed off that your child believes its ok to rebel and thought was ok to throw a raging house party while you were gone. That doesn’t mean that you automatically think your teenager is a malignant, irredeemable problem child. Or you can disagree with someone’s beliefs regarding the best way to achieve a certain goal (say, adequate healthcare for seniors) but still recognize that they, too, want to help others.

            On the other hand, if you hold bigoted, s3xist, racist beliefs, or believe that the poor are poor because they deserve it and are moral failures, or think there’s nothing wrong with slamming the door shut on a family who has done everything right to earn a place in this country after fleeing a war zone, then, yes, at a certain point, those beliefs do comprise who you are. If your beliefs inform every decision you make, how you engage with the world, how you treat others, and how you process information, then they inform who you are. Why on earth should I be tolerant of someone’s hatefulness because they *could* change their beliefs? I’ll be tolerant when they *do* and not a minute before.

          • Anonymous

            If you voted for Trump because you could not vote for Hilary, well, okay. If you supported Trump and voted for him in the primary, you are despicable.

          • Anonymous

            @ Anon 12:23

            Nope Nope Nope. Both are the same. A vote for Trump is supporting Trump. Trump is doing exactly what he said he would. If someone voted for him because they ‘could not vote’ for HRC then they knew EXACTLY what they were choosing and they decided what is currently happening is better than voting HRC.

            If someone wants me to believe that they regret voting for Trump – they better be calling their rep everyday and marching next to me against the ban.

          • fdadfa s fads

            Except for the part where I didn’t. I said “pissed at all Republicans who . . . . ”

            Not sure why you didn’t finish the sentence.

          • Anonymous

            So you’re pissed at all Republicans who hold certain views with which you disagree.

            So those Republicans who held those views turned out to be wrong. Isn’t your anger (“pissed”) misplaced? Shouldn’t your anger be directed to Trump instead? The Republicans who turned out to be wrong couldn’t have known the future to know how inane this would turn out.

          • buzzkill

            Yeah they could have – he said he was going to do all these things and they voted for him anyway.

          • Anonymous

            45 is literally doing exactly what he promised. Anyone who voted for him knew exactly what they were getting. They chose this with open eyes.

          • Anon

            OH COME ON.

            Those people didn’t just turn out to be wrong because they can’t see into the future. They purposely ignored explicit promises that he repeated for months on end because it was easier to pretend he was just bloviating than to admit that they placed their own economic interests above these horrifying policies. (Or maybe it was easier to pretend he wasn’t serious than to admit that they kind of liked the proposals.)

            Anger at the people who PUT HIM IN OFFICE so he could do EXACTLY WHAT HE TOLD THEM HE WOULD DO is not misplaced.

            And it’s not like anger is a finite resource. Give me a break.

      • Anon

        Respectfully disagree. I think Bannon knows exactly what he’s doing, but I don’t think Trump has any idea. Trump might know what he’s doing in the moment, but he doesn’t “know” the end results of any of the nonsense he spouts. All Trump wants is flattery and praise.

        “Crazy like a fox” is giving Trump way too much credit. “Easily swayed by people he craves approval from” seems to me to be more accurate.

        Everything Trump does is to feed his own vanity. Bannon has a far more sinister agenda.

        • Anon

          I don’t go quite that far, but I do agree that Bannon and other Trump insiders are incredibly sinister and dangerous. They’re all part of the same dangerous package now and we’d be fools to underestimate them.

          • Anonymous

            This. I was shocked when my European husband pointed out that many of the tactics they are using – chaos, constant momentum of change to keep people feeling destabilized, attacking policies on different fronts all at the same time to overwhelm – these are all tactics out of the far right playbook in Europe (both current far right parties and historical situations).

            It’s intentional and I’m scared it will work. I’m not worried about nuclear conflict – I’m worried about a very significant rollback in our rights – freedom of the press is under attack, unclear if full adherence to legal orders is occurring – right out of the authoritarian governance playbook.

        • Anonymous

          Right, Bannon is crazy like a fox. Trump is just mentally ill and easily manipulated.

      • Ellen

        Yay Kat! I love this blazer! The onley thing for people like me is that the waist-cinching front tie tends to exaggerate my boobies, which is NOT something I crave with Frank stareing at me all day. FOOEY!

        As for the OP, Trump is a force that must be reckened with. Dad is under consideration for a position in his administration, but wonders if he can be micromanaged at his age. Dad is used to alot of autonomy, which he had behind the iron curtain, and he wonders if he will be abel to influence policy the way he did in the 1970’s when there was a cold war b/f GLAZZZNOST and PERESTROIKA (not sure of the spelleing). Once that came in, he could NOT operate the same way behind the iron curtain, and had to marry mom and have me. YAY!!!

    • TheElms

      It was a very political move. Historically, if you disagreed with the President’s policy you resigned without comment and the resignation stood on its own as the statement. The resignation in and of itself was considered a significant comment or act. But today things are much more dramatic and I’m not sure it would have the same effect. So while I don’t like the precedent it sets I’m not sure what option she had if her resignation would not have conveyed the same message.

      • SC

        I agree that resignations without comment don’t convey the same message that they used to. Last week, senior State Dept officials resigned, but the message from the administration was, “I was going to fire them.” If Trump turns every symbolic resignation into, “They were really fired,” then speaking out and getting fired is the only way to convey a message to the public. (That’s assuming you believe that it’s appropriate for a person in a certain position to speak out/convey a message about a particular policy.)

        • Anon

          Devils advocate- all of these roles submit letters of resignation as a formality.

      • Anon

        I normally loathe conspiracy theories regardless of which side of the aisle they come from, but this fits too well for my comfort.

        • Anon

          This isn’t a conspiracy theory? This is a listing of things that have happened with open questions as to the significance. It will be really dangerous to watch Trump’s autocracy unfold and to call anyone who speaks out about it a conspiracy theorist.

    • Fed here

      Okay, first of all, I do want to say there is an important distinction between political appointees and the career civil service (different than what the media sometimes refers to as careers.) Political appointees/schedule C’s do get replaced with every administration. I think she was a political appointee, which would have meant she would be replaced anyway, but GOOD FOR HER. We have a responsibility to refuse to carry out orders that run afoul of the constitution. I am a career, but I took an oath to protect and defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. This isn’t scandal. I do not serve at the pleasure of the president. And Feds by and large have the same rights to free speech and political activism (except for fundraising) as our private sector counterparts.

      I am conflicted about staying here. I’m a mid-career professional; not junior but not extremely senior. My best friend, an attorney who at the moment is volunteering with refugee assistance, is encouraging me to stay because “all the good guys can’t leave.” My job isn’t particularly political and my agency is not a hotly contested one (yet.) I’m very employable in private sector. It is hard. It is conflicting. But I believe in my job and this country, so for now, here I am.

      • Another Fed

        Thank you for writing this – I feel the same. I also love my job/career and it pains me to consider giving up my future career due to the current craziness. (My particular careee track has no re-entry at mid-level; if I leave and come back i would have to start all over as entry-level.) But I’m feeling very conflicted about what to do.

        • Anon for this Fed

          Thanks for all the comments in this chain. I’ve been having a hard time going to work and have been polishing my resume to go back to the private sector because I can’t stand to be this close to this administration. This perspective is nice to see.

          • Bcc

            Please stay as long as you can. Thank you for protecting and defending the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. You are appreciated and you are my heroes during period of turmoil.

      • Stay

        Please stay. I am of the mindset that it is important to have thoughtful people on the inside at all times, from both sides.

        We need you. We don’t blame you.

        There are things you can still do that will make an impact. Think carefully about what they might be.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Yes! This. Do what you have to do to keep your job so that you can keep trying to change it from the inside. I’m terrified of the possibility of no rational people on the inside pushing back. My brother and I were recently talking about this. He’s heavily involved in the activism world and normally they want people to be brave and put themselves on the line. Here, they are advising certain groups of people to sit out the protests – those that are at risk of deportation, are here on visas, even permanent residents. They are also offering similar advice to people who could get fired from gov’t positions for participating. They recognize they need those people on the inside. Now if your boss is a senator currently at a protest, you can probably go. You know your political job better than others. Point being though, don’t feel weak for not participating. You are not just looking out for your job and family. You are actually going to help this country, just in a different and very important way.

      • Anonymous

        I’m in Canadian government and considered leaving when Prime Minister Harper was in power (nothing like as bad as 45). I would encourage you to stay as long as you are not being asked to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Hopefully with enough engagement and resistance this era will pass and we will need strong sensible public servants to continue the important work of government.

      • gov anon

        I feel for all the career folks at the Federal level. It’s so easy to get discouraged when you see the train wreck coming, but you don’t think will listen or care. I hope you do try to stay, if you can possibly stomach it.

        I’m career at the state level, and have been contemplating leaving over some State political issues. But my agency has a federal counterpart that is definitely being targeted by this administration, so I made up my mind this weekend that I need to stay. And try to convince the state-level policy makers that we in the states need to act as the backstop. Maybe I’ll fail, maybe we’ll all fail but we have to try!

        Know that we other career public servants support you.

      • Anonymous

        I worked for the Fed for a brief period of time during W’s tenure, and the worst part about coming to work was seeing his face every day. I think I’d reconsider my employment just because I’d have to see Cheeto’s face every day upon entering the office – yuck!

    • cbackson

      He was within his rights to fire her, and the administration has, apparently, a legal analysis that suggests that the replacement does have sufficient authority to sign off on the warrants because he was senate-confirmed for another role.

      I’m 100% sure that she knew he would fire her, and she wasn’t afraid to be fired, and that’s part of makes what she did brave.

  3. Paging Mimi's Hummus

    Thanks for all of the super positive thoughts on wedding barbecue yesterday. Also, I’m the same poster a few weeks ago worried about planning a honeymoon while my fiancé is job searching. Almost everyone here said “just do it” and we are – we’re going to Bali!

    Finally, after all of the BBQ talk yesterday – one of the Brooklyn posters mentioned she ended up going with this fabulous middle eastern restaurant Mimi’s Hummus. Funnily enough, I used to live near it and love that place. After looking into that and talking to them, I think we might hire them instead! What an awesome community this is.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’m nowhere near Brooklyn, but if I were, you might find a stranger crashing your barbecue, soft-pretzel and pickle wedding. It sounds like it’ll be a great time!

    • newlywed

      Wedding ceremony is a huge deal – a symbolic and important moment. The reception is a party. Have a blast!

    • ChiLaw

      This is gonna be great! (fwiw, my wedding was hipsterAF, and I loved it and love it and I have happy memories about the sliders we served and the craft beer we drank, among other things.)

    • Meg March

      That was me! We have SO MANY good things to say about Mimi’s– they were awesome. :)

      Also, they did a tasting for us at their restaurant where they just trotted out dish after dish after dish. They’re the best.

      • Meg March

        Oh, and if you want any other recs for vendors, feel free to email me at megmarchcorpore**e at the g mail.

  4. Anon.

    Hey ladies – a lot of readers here participated in the recent protests around the country, so I wonder what you think of this… I read an article this morning about people protesting at a legislator’s home. My initial reaction was that it was sort of crazy – they could have protested at the office. The legislator lives in an apartment, so I guess that provides some safety/distance (I’m assuming it’s a doorman bldg). Would your opinion of whether it’s appropriate change if the legislator lived in a house (and therefore, no person screening people to have physical access to the home)?

    • Cb

      Ehh…I don’t like it. Offices, hotels, places of business, landmarks are all fair game but I think there is something inappropriate about protesting at their homes. I wouldn’t feel okay making someone feel unsafe (children, neighbours, etc)

    • Anonymous

      Yeah I’m fine with this. On the street outside the house? Non-violent? How much safety do people consigning refugees to death deserve? Cause they’ll have a ton of protection actually.

      • MB

        Most of me thinks that’s part of the job. I don’t think threatening the family is appropriate, but non-violent protests on the sidewalk? Fine by me.

        • Anonymous

          I hope not — counter protesters and nutters are bound to show up. I cannot imagine that this will end will. Or help the cause.

      • PrettyPrimadonna

        I’m fine with this, too, especially if it’s one of the lawmakers who turned their phones off over the last two weeks.

    • Anondc

      I dont like this either and dont think this is appropriate. Also, I feel like this will only make people focus on that/it will overshadow the issue they are protesting. Just a bad look overall. Especially since its an apartment building and several people who have nothing to do with this will be unnecessarily affected. As Cb says, home is inappropriate and offices, etc are totally fair game IMO.

      • Nabby

        In that case it depends. The congressman’s office is not by itself either, there are other people who will hear and possibly be inconvenienced by the attack, it is probably in a central location. Many congressmembers live in independent houses in a more residential area.

        • Cb

          Yeah, it might be personal experience which makes me uncomfortable with the idea. I worked in the office of a high profile and contentious political figure over the summer, shortly after the murder of a prominent politician here in the UK.

          I wasn’t working there in a political capacity but I read the “nutters” letters, saw the police in the office when there were threats made, and always felt quite vulnerable entering and leaving.

          • Anonymous

            Right. And I disagree with all of that. But that also isn’t peaceful protest.

        • Anondc

          Good point, when I’m talking about people being unnecessarily affected i mean in their private homes/not a public space…Overall this is a tricky situation because the issues they are protesting are more important than someone being slightly inconvenienced…Again, appropriateness aside, when people do this the news (especially more conservative outlets) tend to focus on this rather than the issue itself so i feel like this isnt even the most effective strategy to begin with.

      • AnonMidwest

        I, oddly enough, live near a congressperson and a few years back there was a march with an empty coffin to his house. So very uncool. It’s our neighborhood to and considering most of them aren’t at home when these sorts of things happen, I feel it is both useless and a touch over the line of appropriate.

    • Nabby

      As long as its safe and non violent the congressmembers signed up for this. It’s not a normal job you’re a representative of and beholden to the public.

      Also I am impressed at the response the “What the f*ck, Chuck?” rally/protest/event in NY seems to have had.

      • Anon

        Disagreee that ANYONE signs up to have strangers picket their homes based on their career choice. No, no, no. This thought process is what deters reasonable people from running for office.

    • anon for this

      That’s a no for me. I live three streets away from a Senator’s home and the thought of crowds of people on his front lawn makes my skin crawl. I mean, what’s the point? Scaring his wife, kids, and neighbors? There are public places that are much more appropriate–he has an office downtown if folks want to protest and can’t travel to DC.

    • Anon

      I would not have supported it before, but I do now. With so many members of Congress diverting all calls to voicemail or taking the phone off the hook (ahem, Ryan) and with so much at stake, I don’t care if people want to protest and talk to their congresspeople at workplaces and homes and grocery stores. I certainly hope no one comes to harm, but I’m sick and tired of Congress ignoring us.

      • Anon

        Me neither. I think it’s harassment. Just because you disagree with someone doesn’t give you a right to show up at their house. If you are mad about a politician not doing what you want, protest in a public place, vote for that person’s opponent when the opportunity arises, and make phone calls to their office. Do not show up at their house. That is insanely boundary crossing, IMO.

        • Jax

          I agree. It crosses the line from “protest” to “mob” with the sole purpose of intimidating a target. To make him/her feel like they aren’t safe anywhere. I imagine the tar-and-featherings at the beginning of the American Revolution started as a protesting crowd that turned into an angry mob, and from there it escalated to violence.

          Good rule of thumb–if your behavior starts to look like The Evil Abusive Ex from a Lifetime Movie, it’s time to step back.

    • JTX

      I work in the same building as a certain horrible senator. Small groups of people have been in my lobby or outside my building protesting almost every day. I have never, ever seen this senator in the building, and I highly doubt they will, either. In this case, I wouldn’t really blame them if they moved the protests to a respectful distance outside his home.

    • Anon

      So I live very close to a Senator. He has a first and third grader and I think that colors my views here. It feels a little like you’d cross a line? For what it’s worth I see him all the time and just avoid him… I just… can’t.

    • Miss

      On the one hand, I don’t like this. You’re protesting a politician’s official actions and it seems inappropriate to disturb his/her entire neighborhood.

      That Mike Pence dance party, though.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I have been protesting for a couple years now- BLM, and now the Trump administration. And I think this crosses a line. If the Congressperson lives alone, okay, sure. But protesting- even nonviolent- can seem loud and scary to kids, and scaring a congressperson’s kids is not okay. Inconveniencing neighbors, also not cool- sure, if people are in a public space, inconveniencing them is expected. Shut it down. But making it so they can’t leave their own homes because they happen to live next to a congressperson? Scaring THEIR kids? Naaaah.

    • Anonymous

      My feeling is: what goes around comes around and we gotta fight just as dirty as they do.

      Pro-lifers (ugh, bad term) started this by targeting abortion doctors at their homes. They are notorious for using non-peaceful protests to harass abortion doctors and their neighbors in their homes.

      They started it. Now is the time to fight, not play nice.

      • Anon

        Are you kidding? So many problems with your post. If you think “pro-lifers” is a “bad term,” just take the “Anti-Choice” route (also fraught with terminology problems). You get to choose your own words.

        Second, just because some crazy fringe pro-lifers targeted abortion doctors– WHICH IS NOT OKAY– does not in turn make it acceptable to harass elected officials in their homes– STILL NOT OKAY. Fight all you want, but leave people’s homes and kids and neighbors out of it. If it wasn’t ok for pro-lifers to do it, it’s not ok for you to do it. It’s disingenuous and silly to claim that because they did an awful thing, we can do the same awful thing. Why? Because we are “right?” That’s exactly what we’re fighting against.

    • #Resist

      My views have evolved on this since #45. I have no problem with peaceful protest on public spaces, including streets and sidewalks in front of politicians’ homes. That is not harassment; it is protected speech. Yes it may scare kids but so is being detained at an airport without food or water for 10+ hours based solely on your religion and country of origin. No kid is promised a life free from fear; it is simply a matter of weighing risks and rewards. Also, I have come to believe that a protest must inconvenience people in order to accomplish anything.

      Fortunately, these protesters do not need the public’s approval. That’s the beauty of democracy.

    • Anonymous

      I have mixed feelings.

      I work in a meat locker. I’m not sure our office temp is OSHA-compliant. I could layer a lot of Heattech ultra warm layers under this jacket (my usual problem with layering is that it looks lumpy. This is the one jacket that could work with that).

      On the other hand, it is very grunge-tastic office wear. It’s like Pearl Jam and Pendleton had a baby.

      I’m torn.

      • Anonymous

        OMG I love the Pearl Jam/Pendleton comment and think it articulates my knee-jerk “I see what Kat is saying, but nope” reaction to this jacket.

  6. Yoga pants

    Posted late in the weekend but no responses. Can anyone recommend yoga pants with a drawstring and a zip pocket? I’d also like a pocket big enough for my iPhone. I’m an 8-10 pear with a big butt and the one pair of Lucy yoga pants I have do not stay up. TIA!

    • January

      They aren’t true “yoga” pants (although they’re made of yoga pant fabric), but I’m a big fan of the Athleta Metro slouch pant, which seems like it would meet most of your requirements.

    • ning

      Not with a drawstring and pocket, but I understand the struggle- I have a LOT of junk in my trunk (I call it “tinkerbell-shaped” and found that the zella high-waist leggings stay up best for me during yoga/exercise. They have a small waistband pocket. The high-waist is key to staying up.

    • Dahlia

      there are lulu ones that have a drawstring and pockets on the sides (plus the little key pocket in front). The pockets don’t zip but i’ve never had anything fall out. I like to stick my iphone in the pocket when I’m running.

  7. Fancy shoes for little girls with adult-sized feet?

    I have a daughter who has size 5 kid feet. Which is like a size 6 women’s foot.

    She’s not even in middle school yet, so grownup shoes look either crazy or too Kardashian for a kid still losing teeth to wear. Any recommendations for good brands to try?

    Sneakers and keens and boots are all OK. I’m asking more for fancy / church / we have a wedding to go to so I need dressy but not 3″ pumps. And she’s used to kid levels of comfort / no blisters, so I’m trying to spare her feet for as long as I can.

    I thought of the Puma flats and have some coming from Zappos, but I think that they are good for comfort, they are not fancy enough. I could drag her to DSW, but they are very promtastic right now and I need something more geriatric in heel height / comfort (and yet sparkly and youthful).

  8. Onstar

    My leased vehicle had a 6 month subscription that is about to expire. I’ve haven’t used it at all and rarely drive very far. Is there any reason I’m missing that I should pay to keep it?

    • Anonymous

      No. Try car free for a few months, and see how you do. You sound like the perfect person for the occasional uber or rental. How much is your lease and your insurance? Think of all that money you will save!

      • Anonymous

        The question is not about the car though, it is about the Constar subscription.

      • Onstar

        whoops, I was thinking about losing the Onstar, not the whole car! i’m on a super low mileage lease though knowing I don’t drink very far.

    • ace

      I think you’re asking if you should keep OnStar subscription (not your car). If so, I’ve not used it since my free subscription expired. If you have AAA and a cell phone, I’m not sure that OnStar really provides much in the way of additional service.

    • Walnut

      If you are primarily driving in populated, urban areas where someone is bound to notice if you wreck your call and call it in, I don’t know that it is necessary.

      I have family in rural areas that swear by OnStar after a relative (who did not have OnStar at the time) swerved to miss a deer and ended up rolling into a field. Had it not been for someone who happened to drive by and catch a glimpse of the vehicle, my relative would have died. Everything from her cell phone to her floor mats had been ejected from the vehicle and she was injured badly enough that getting to safety was not an option.

    • Anonymous4

      Where in Ecuador? My husband is a native, and claims that in Quito the weather is temperate most of the year – mid-70s and sunny. That could vary if you are in the jungle or by the ocean.

    • Chris

      I’d recommend conservative colors. I got a lot of stares and was very out of place in anything that wasn’t blue, grey or black.

    • Curious

      Really depends where you’re going. If you’re going to be in the mountains (Quito, Otavalo, Cuenca, Loja, etc.), temperatures will range widely. It was 80 degrees when I went to the zoo in Quito in late June, and we sunburned fast, but then at the top of the gondola ride it was probably 50. It was 40 in Cuenca in late July, and I froze in my capris and sandals. Unlike Chris, I didn’t feel weird in colors, but then I already stood out for my height and hair color. It is true that the mountains are more conservative in color and dress.

      (Side note — I super, super recommend this side trip: http://www.julioverne-travel.com/index.php/en/andes-highlands/biking/chimborazo-hike-bike)

      If you’re going to the coast (Guayaquil, Esmeraldas, Montañita, Manta, Salinas, etc.), it will be 85 degrees or more. Despite the heat, it is still quite common to wear jeans and closed-toed shoes in settings you might consider casual (e.g. on a university campus, or when driving out to the countryside to visit a park). I felt safe and comfortable, however, in longer shorts/ capris and sleeved t-shirts, and you won’t turn heads by going sleeveless or wearing a knee-length sundress.

      It’s a lovely country — have a wonderful time!

    • Bensonrabble

      I’ve spent some time in Ecuador in Quito, the coast, and mountains. I saw a lot of color and generally more casual (i.e. flip flops which I wouldn’t recommend for walking). I didn’t see very low cut tops or even shorts but most women wore really tight clothes, much tighter than you see here. Anyway, I’m sure you will be fine. Have fun!

  10. anon

    We are considering vacationing in Mongolia this summer for about 5 weeks. We’ll probably fly into China and then go from there. Has anyone been or have suggestions?

  11. Weekly social media detox

    I’d like to pick one day a week to go off social media. I’vee caught myself casually browsing Facebook way more than I’m comfortable with. Has anyone successfully implemented something like this? Any advice? I’m still trying to decide which day (weekday vs. weekend day?). I also imagine I’d have to temporarily logout or uninstall social media apps on my phone.

    • Cb

      I’ve been off facebook for nearly a year but cut down a bit before that. I’m on Twitter but try to restrict to bus usage and am on instagram but that is a more positive space for me than Facebook and twitter (mostly I follow cute babies, cute animals, and cool nature and travel accounts) Some tips:

      Delete the apps so you actually have to go to an address in your browser – even better if you don’t allow your browser to remember the password.

      Limit your usage to certain times (during your public transport commute, for 10 minutes before bed), facebook algorithms will keep you updated on what you’ve missed during the day.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I took over a month off from social media instead of once a week. Key for me was to remove the apps from my phone.

      If I did it again, I’d figure out how to change what notifications Facebook emails me. After being off for a bit, I started getting emails with status updates of friends, which was annoying.

    • Anonymous

      I deleted the FB app and recently deleted the bookmark. This has also helped my battery. I still go to Facebook, but it’s less of an automatic reaction. I’d prefer to browse Twitter or catch up on reading.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I deleted the Facebook app awhile ago; I reinstall it for a day or so at a time (like at the Women’s March), and then quickly delete it. I made my password something I cannot remember (think letters and numbers nonsense) and wrote it on a sticky note at home. I don’t have it logged in on my laptop or work desktop, just my tablet at home, so I can only use it when I’m home. I’m thinking about taking a break as well, I did it for about a month and a half last year and it was really nice. I’m noticing a bit of….Trump fatigue? with everything on Facebook and could really use the mental break.

  12. Living in DC -- who to call?

    For those who live in DC, who should we be calling to voice our concerns? Delegate Norton is a non-voting member of Congress. Looking at the thread from yesterday, it looks like it would be a waste of time to call other reps from other states because they write down your zip codes.

    Advice?

    • Anon

      I haven’t called yet but I’m planning to. I just moved to DC, so I’m planning on calling my representatives from my home state and use my parent’s address.

      • anon

        Is this a good idea? Would you still give them your name, and would they be able to tell you’re not an actual voting constituent in your home state? I’m in the same boat as you. I’m calling as much as I can before I move, but I’m looking for things I can do afterward.

      • DC Wonkette

        No – an intern or leg correspondent is literally tallying numbers, so he/she can tell the Member how many constituents called for/against an issue. They don’t actually verify your name/address unless there’s a requirement for follow up.

    • jwalk

      I’m calling representatives from my home state (Massachusetts) and Congressional leadership.

  14. how to help

    Was anyone at JFK this weekend offering legal/interpreter services? I was an immigration lawyer (before going in-house) and one of my parents has Arabic language skills, and we would like to offer our help to people at the airports. How do we go about doing it? Just show up? Register with a non-profit? Any advice or insight would be great.

    Als0, because I’m in house, I don’t have malpractice insurance. Should I buy a policy? If I volunteer with an aid organization, would I be covered under their policy?

    Thanks everyone

    • nutella

      I read this, too. I am not sure this exact course of events was planned ahead of time, but I do think that they figured out pretty early in the campaign that if they flood the news with stories, exhausting the resources of the media in trying to cover it, they can sneak in all sorts of other news in the background.

      I also think the team has no interest in fully vetting ideas (or appointees) or possibly no real experience doing so as hiring as a CEO is vastly different than working with the checks and balances in our government. This has the added benefit of creating chaos and confusion, which also creates a diversion to slip in other stories in the background.

      Dan Rather has a new media forum “News and Guts” (I follow on fb), which does a pretty good job of pointing out stories you may miss, providing good coverage and detail of what is going on, and providing commentary. I would recommend – I haven’t seen a story covered elsewhere they haven’t covered, too.

      All that being said, it is exhausting. I love reading the news, but being angry for 16 hours a day is tiring. And I just don’t have the time to make white female friends feel less guilty about their vote; I’m sorry, but this shouldn’t surprise you. Accept your mistake and move on to make it better. (Not you, OP, but the “Ivanka voter,” of which I think we all know many). It’s also hard because I am planning a wedding right now and some people invited are Trump voters and gahhhhh. So they will just have to eat my liberal wedding cake at my immigrant family wedding and see my posts on fb.

    • Torin

      I think this paragraph is important:

      “Third, popular attention must focus less on whether we agree with what the government is doing, and more on whether the system of checks and balances we have in place is working. It is a much bigger deal that the DHS felt they could ignore a federal court than that Trump signed an EO blocking green card holders in the first place. It is a much bigger deal that Trump removed a permanent military presence from the NSC than that he issued a temporary stay on immigration. The immigration ban may be more viscerally upsetting, but the other moves are potentially far more dangerous.”

      • DC Wonkette

        For the love. We need to be accurate. He didn’t remove permanent military presence from the NSC. The EO stated they will attend for matters that affect them (forget the exact verbiage) at DCs (chaired by the NSA) and are still required for NSCs (chaired by the President). If it follows the Bush model (where they had the same language), he’ll attend almost all meetings unless they don’t pertain to defense. The bigger issue is Bannon.

  16. Echo question?

    For those of you with an echo dot, what news source do you use for the flash briefing? I’m using CNN but I feel like it takes too long to go through the updates.

  17. Ning

    Any recommendation for keeping all your cords organized in your work bag?

    I carry the OG from Lo & Sons for work because we’re required to carry all our equipment to/from work every day. Each morning, I wind up untangling a mess of my laptop power cord, bluetooth cord, phone charger, headphones, etc. It feels like such a mess.

    Help?

    • Cb

      Doubles! I have two offices and work from home so I have a laptop charger and phone charger in each office so I’m not schlepping it back and forth / don’t end up without power if I’ve forgotten something.

    • tribble

      I keep my laptop power cord and headphones in their own little bags. My headphones came with a storage case. I have a separate phone charger for the office and one for the car, I don’t keep one in my bag.

    • Anonymous

      I have an organizer from Eagle Creek, purchased at REI. It holds all my cables, headphones, wireless mouse, remote clicker for presentations, spare battery, etc.

    • anon anon armani

      We use those little zippered bags airlines give you on long flights … we just take out the sundries. I think one once came with some straps on it, but any seem to work for us.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Loop them, clip them with a small binder clip (clip it over the cords and then use the wings to keep the other side neat, too) and put them in a small makeup bag.

      I had a Grid-It and it drove me crazy- I’m more of a bags-within-bags type of person. Although I no longer carry a phone charger to work, because I have one plugged in at my desk permanently. So the solution about buying doubles is good.

  18. Anon for this

    Hive, I need to vent. Fiancé and I got into a huge fight last night, for a variety of stupid reasons, but mainly because our discussion about merging our finances somehow turned into a disaster conversation about conflicting values in our relationship. The wedding planning has been stressful and his family has been particularly hellish, so we are under pressure as it is. Anyway, it got ugly, and we both said things we shouldn’t have. At one point, we decided this conversation needed to end, so I went to take a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, he was gone, and our recyclable garbage was strewn all around our apartment. He also threw a bunch of his clothes on the floor. He did not come back this morning – I assume he went to sleep at a friends’ house. I cleaned up most of the garbage but left our bedroom as is and (barely) slept in the living room, because I just couldn’t deal at that point.
    I am sitting here at work wondering how the hell it went this badly, and terribly embarrassed to discuss this with anyone because it seems so sad and pathetic. And I honestly don’t know how we will move forward – at some point last night I asked him if he was calling off the engagement, and he said “I honestly don’t know right now”. Then he left.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry. That sounds miserable. Can you use this time before he returns to try to figure out what you want? Listen to your gut.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed. There are so many people who would never do this. And I want to be with one of them.

        I’d need serious apologies and counseling.

        • lsw

          Agree. My gut reaction is DTMFA. The garbage on the floor and clothes on the floor would be deal-breakers for me – it’s a childish reaction and it demonstrates that he was so angry he needed to express it physically. That’s scary. This internet stranger also sees a red flag that you don’t actually know where he was overnight. My now husband, boyfriend at the time, and I had some early fights in a stressful situation (recently divorced dad and a lot that went on with that) but we always made sure that we kept in contact even if it was a text that said, “talk later.” Have you seen any signs of difficulty handling conflict before?

          You are NOT sad and pathetic. Relationships are HARD, blending families is HARD, getting married is a huge step! You are smart for thinking hard about this now before moving farther.

          Anecdotal story – my boyfriend before I met my (now) husband was a guy I dated for two years. There were some big problems, but I sort of drifted through them because they weren’t BIG problems, and I felt like I wasn’t getting any younger and I was just too tired to invest in someone all over again. Two years is a big investment. It was really, really hard to break up, especially since he didn’t really want to. Fast forward a few months, I dated, met my husband, and even though he was a recently divorced dad so that didn’t make things easy, somehow it was so much easier. Even through the conflict. I found myself saying, “Oh, THIS is how it should go.” Don’t be afraid of starting over, if you think it’s right for you.

          You’re smart, you’re capable, and you will be able to make the right decision for you.

          • lsw

            whoops, sorry, I repeated myself a little there because I was interrupted. I don’t want to sound lecture-y – you got this.

      • CHJ

        Seriously. A big part of a healthy relationship is not avoiding fights altogether, but rather both sides fighting fair. Throwing trash all over the kitchen is childish and destructive. (Literally childish – my 3 year old did this with the bathroom garbage can this week because he didn’t want to put on underwear.) Before even addressing the merits of your argument last night, I would think seriously (and talk to him calmly) about why everything got so unhinged and whether that is something he is willing to change about himself.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Agreed. I could forgive the clothes. I could rationalize he was packing in a hurry and didn’t know what to take and threw stuff around deciding. The trash has no rational explanation.

    • Anonymous

      As someone who should have postponed her wedding, take some time and figure out what you want – what makes you totally happy. If you are not blissfully happy on your wedding day, it doesn’t get easier from there once you add in life stressors like kids and aging parents.

      I’m trying to make my ten year marriage with my DH work because we have 3 kids together and we’re both good people. I think we’ll make it but I have been unhappy for a lot of time through my late twenties and early thirties. I love my children but I truly wish we had never gotten married.

      Don’t be me. It is a million times easier to postpone or call off a wedding than to end a marriage.

      • Anonymous

        This is heartbreaking. I don’t know your exact circumstances, but your kids deserve to have happy parents and you deserve to be happy.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks. He’s a good and involved Dad but I’m worried about his ability to solo parent so that’s part of the reason I stay. There are no infidelity or alcohol/addiction issues, we share core beliefs/values, and we both want it to work so I try to stay hopeful.

          But I’ve come to realize that it shouldn’t be ‘hard’ like it is on an everyday basis. Like lsw talked about above with ‘big problems’ but no ‘BIG problems’.

          • Anon

            I’ve had some big problems along the way in my 14 year relationship w my husband. I found the Gottman book “Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work” to be very helpful. We’re both good people with a lot in common who want to stay married, but we both have issues and the book really helped.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks. We’ve been doing counselling with a Gottman trained counselor over the last year and I find it much better than our previous counselor. Unfortunately we’ve been in counseling most of our marriage. Will pick up the book to read as well though.

      • Anonymous

        Wait, did I write this? Because I could have. I wouldn’t go so far to say we shouldn’t be married but we certainly should have postponed due to wedding planning stress largely from his parental and other family drama. If we had taken that extra 6-12 mos to do counseling and agree on how we would handle the (never going to go away) in laws we would have saved so many years of unhappiness.

    • tribble

      This is no way to start a marriage. Wedding planning can be stressful, yes, but his reaction is totally over the top and his failure to apologize the next day is inexcusable. Throwing things in anger is unacceptable. Not recognizing how unacceptable it is is a dealbreaker.

      At a minimum, the wedding should be put on hold until he can work with someone on his anger issues. Others may weigh in, but regardless of the communication issues between you, I would not feel comfortable doing couple’s therapy with him until he was on the path to working on the anger.

    • chick pea

      Getting engaged puts a huge amount of pressure on a relationship. It’s good that you guys are talking (and arguing) about the big things. It’s really rough that this turned from an argument into a fight. Disagreements about what married life should look like may mean your engagement ends. This would suck, but much less so than getting divorced after 3 years of marriage. Many, many engagements end and the parties go on the be happily married to other people. I just mean, hang in there. We’re rooting for YOU, whether that means you and fiance, or just you alone.

      • OP

        Thanks all – I was really upset about the garbage thing, so it’s nice to hear I am not overreacting. I am trying to figure out what I want, but my gut is very confused. We have been together for eight years – we met our first year of college. We’ve made it though a lot, always made each other happy, and I never doubted for one second he was the man of my life. He has been battling depression for three years and is in therapy for that. We have had some couples counselling and things were good, but if yesterday’s conversation has taught me anything, it’s that some issues have not been explored enough. He has never done anything like this before – we’ve had arguments, sure, but usually it will end with one of us talking a walk to blow off some steam, then apologizing. The garbage thing was just so ridiculous and childish, and I hate that he disappeared and I don’t know where he is.
        I understand what you are saying about postponing the wedding, but our invitations have been set, our date is booked, we paid a significant down payment on our venue, people have booked flights. I could obviously still cancel or postpone, but it’s not something I can do easily and without much fuss. Ugh. I may need a PTO day from work, but really don’t feel like going home right now.

          • Anonymous

            My divorce was over $100k. My wedding was barely $35k. I really encourage you to see any non-refundable wedding deposits as “character building” and “learning experience.”

        • anon

          Could you take the afternoon off and go to a museum or a movie to distract yourself?

        • Anonymous

          “it’s not something I can do easily and without much fuss. ”

          You are at the point where it is EASIEST to postpone or cancel. Each day that passes makes it more difficult to postpone or cancel. It only gets harder to postpone or cancel or divorce from here.

          Postponing a wedding is a significantly lower cost than a divorce. Would your venue let you pick a new date next year to apply the deposit against? That would give you some breathing room to decide what you want.

        • Anonymous

          Echoing something people have said on here before – canceling a wedding is expensive, divorce can be much more expensive. I know it seems so insurmountable but you can make money back. People will understand.

          If you can afford it (with all the wedding stuff), can you book a hotel room today and go there for PTO? Maybe even overnight?

        • Anonymous

          I posted last week about canceling my engagement. I called it off after his second violent, drunken temper tantrum. I’m right there with you on feeling like your gut is confused – I didn’t want to LEAVE leave, maybe he’ll get better if he gets help, but I can’t walk down the aisle on my wedding day feeling uncertain about the relationship.

        • cbackson

          Do you really think your loved ones want you to proceed with a marriage that isn’t a good idea because they booked plane tickets?

          If you’re having doubts, wait. It may mean that you lose money. It may mean that, if you work things out, you have a small wedding at a courthouse or in front of a minister instead of a big wedding with a lot of guests. But I promise you, as a divorced person, that undoing a marriage is a lot harder and sadder than losing a deposit on a catering hall.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          If you don’t know how to tell people, I’m sure you have a friend who would be happy to do it for you. I’d even do it for you. You could send me everyone’s emails and I would send out an email that says due to unforeseen circumstances, bride and grooms wedding has been postponed indefinitely. If they are able to reschedule, they will let you know. They wish they could inform each of you personally but they wanted to let you know as soon as possible. When they have further info they will let you know.

          If you wanted to send it yourself, you can use that script.

          • Not that Anne, the other Anne

            That is the loveliest thing I’ve seen today, Blonde Lawyer. It’s so generous of you to offer that to the OP!

        • Scarlett

          Even with wedding contracts, you might be surprised how many vendors will work with you if you end up calling off the wedding. I’ve worked in the industry and the earlier you cancel, the easier it is for the vendor to be able to recover and work with you. And if you share what’s happened, a lot of people will understand and want to work with you. Not everyone but probably more than you think.

          • Anonymous

            I know someone in similar straights who called off the wedding. I think that some vendors floated her a large fancy mother’s day party foro her relatives that filled a hole in their (the vendors) schedule.

            So much cheaper than spending the money AND then getting divorced.

            [Ask my husband, who married his first wife with known regrets (and similar behavior) and with his family begging him not to (and not to worry about the money). The ex became worse and divorcing a crazy person was emotionally rough for him and more expensive than the wedding.]

        • Wehaf

          If your justification (or even one of your justifications) for going through with it is “we put down deposits” instead of “I still really, really want to marry him”, then I think that’s your gut telling you that you need to postpone the wedding, if not call it off completely. As others have said, now is the easiest time to postpone – it only gets harder and more expensive from here.

          Also, there are services for “selling” cancelled weddings, which could help you recoup some of the costs.

        • Anonymous

          If even part of you thinks postponing would be a good idea DO IT. I promise you not one person who has to cancel plans will resent you for making the right choice for YOU. And deposits…sunk costs, move on.

        • Anon

          Late on this but “our date is booked, we’ve spent money, people have spent money” are very bad reasons for getting married.

          Step back and think about it separate from all of these things. Do you want to marry this guy? That is the only question.

        • d

          A wedding is literally a party. (yes, you’re paying for it, and yes some people agreed to come to it from far away [I promise, not all of them are pleased about it, just how weddings are]).

          “I’m willing to overlook concerns about marrying someone who flips out and spreads trash in my house after an argument about money because we have this party planned. he’s just stressed about the party.”

          Sorry, people do not start behaving better later on.

          Marriage is a big decision–I don’t want to share a kid with someone who acts like that!

        • Bumblebee

          My experience for what it’s worth – I postponed and then cancelled a wedding. I remember thinking at one point, “We can’t postpone, I already asked my bridesmaids.” My mother pointed out that that was not particularly clear thinking, thank goodness. We ended up losing our deposit and having to mail gifts back, a small price to pay for being freed up to meet my awesome husband.

          On the other hand, have you explored in counseling or even just had the chance to observe in person, how his parents fight? If they fight? Part of what you said (not the trash, that is inexplicable) really reminded me about the section in Hillbilly Elegy where the author and his girlfriend had their first fight and he ran away, because he had no model for how to successfully argue without either running away or being violent. I think the idea of parental lessons and examples applied regardless of hillbilly status (I can say that, I am from Appalachia).

          Just a few thoughts . ..

        • Nudibranch

          Oh, please, don’t go forward with this marriage! Listen to yourself making excuses for him!

          The expense and the inconvenience are not worth marrying someone who thinks its okay to spread garbage on the floor when he’s angry.

          You are not orangutans!

    • Shenandoah

      Is this the first fight of this magnitude you all have had? Or was this the first time he has chosen to act this way during a significant fight? That was an extremely immature, childish reaction on his part. That’s something I would expect from a toddler mid-tantrum. Agreed that he needs to make a sincere apology for his behavior and you should look into counseling options together. Assuming you even want to remain engaged to this guy.

    • uzzkill

      I am really sorry about this. It must have really thrown you for a loop. Think about this a lot – do you want to be married to someone like this? Have kids with him and have them pick up those coping mechanisms?

    • mascot

      Trashing the place is pitching a tantrum and I don’t like when adults pitch tantrums. So I’d want apologies for that. But, I’d also suggest having a talk about storming out. My husband is one of those people who needs actual, physical space to cool down/process after an argument. I don’t need that and want everything to smooth over quickly- his need for space felt to me like he was walking out. It took a few fights and discussions for us to both get the resolution we need. I’m fine if he wants to go sleep in the guest room/couch and don’t take it personally. I’m not okay with him actually leaving the house to go drive around and pout when he’s upset. Setting ground rules for productive arguments is really important because you will have big fights as a married couple.

      • ohc

        Chiming in to add a +1 here. I assume that mascot and I aren’t actually married to the same person, but maybe our spouses are related, because my husband needs this, too, and it has taken me a while to learn to not take it personally. OP, my husband also struggles with depression, and it sometimes catches me off guard in very upsetting ways.

        Also, in reference to some comments above about how throwing stuff around is destructive or a red flag: I (very occasionally) also need to physically bang around when I’m really, really angry. Usually this results in me really enthusiastically weeding the garden, but my husband still reminisces fondly about a point early in our marriage when I actually, um, pitched plastic clothes hangers down the stairs just to hear them clatter. I’m not saying that throwing stuff around is good or appropriate–certainly, throwing trash or clothes around and not cleaning up afterwards is pretty inconsiderate–but I think there’s a pretty big difference between that behavior and, say, breaking dishes, punching walls, or any other physical reaction that speaks to violence or destruction.

        OP, you have a lot ahead of you. Clearly many of us have been in the same situation. I know it can be dispiriting to read a bunch of comments telling you to cancel your wedding and give up on him; I know it can likewise feel overwhelming to imagine that if you do get married, interactions like these might mar the next fifty years of your life. Remember that *nothing* you do is irrevocable. Remember that we’re here for you, and so are your real-life support systems. Keep us posted, and be well.

    • nutella

      First off, do you want the marriage? That is something you need to ask yourself.

      I am someone that believes relationships (romantic, familial, professional, you name it) go ’round on communication. What I’m saying is, he acted childish, but perhaps from his perspective you stormed off and took a shower instead of resolving the issue, acting childish yourself. Maybe he felt that you shut him and his feelings down? Was it an honest ‘we need to take a time out’ or was it for you but he misinterpreted it? Only you and he know that, but if a miscommunication is at all possible and this argument was out of the norm for both of you, AND you both want to make it work, it may be worth sitting down with a counselor to discuss how you can work through problems together in an effective way, because it’s clear this was not effective for either of you. If not, then better to realize earlier than later you don’t want a life together. And you can move on, having learned a great deal from this relationship. Good luck and hugs.

    • H

      I’m sorry you are going through this. I do not think this is acceptable behavior at all and you have a lot to think about. At least it is happening now though and not in a couple years.

    • ChiLaw

      I want to chime in, too, that I think trashing the place is completely unacceptable behavior. It scares me, honestly. I tend to read “harm this thing” as the first step down a road that ends at “harm you.”

      I am not going to tell you to DTMFA, but I would strongly encourage you to get some space for cool thinking. Would you consider getting an AirBnB for a few nights? I would tell him that’s what you’re doing, but just give yourself some physical distance to get some emotional distance too.

      This sounds so hard! Hugs.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to basically everyone (and interesting that we all seem to agree for once) if you want to leave him, do it now, not after you are married and waste your early 30s with him. weddings get postponed and/or canceled all the time, and it will be much less traumatic for you than a divorce. The people who have paid for tickets want you to be happy, and they will understand, I promise. If you don’t want to talk to your friends, talk to a therapist. And think about how living with a depressed, angry person will be. Marriage won’t fix that.

    • Sarabeth

      I don’t think that this means you absolutely have to break up now, but I would not want to be getting married without some very good reason to believe that this behavior won’t happen again.

      Story time – my husband and I lived together before getting engaged/married. Once, after we’d been together a few years, we got into a big fight, and he didn’t speak to me for about 48 hours. We were on a road trip together at the time, so this was incredibly hard and awkward. He literally wasn’t answering me when I was asking him whether he wanted to come get breakfast with me. Eventually he cooled down, and when we hashed it out afterwards, I told him that if he ever did that again, I was breaking up with him. He promised not to, and we brainstormed some strategies that would help him deal with anger without being such an a**hole. Things like, he’s allowed to take as much space as he wants, but he has to tell me that he’s doing it and that he will talk about whatever the issue is later on. He can’t just hang out in our shared space while giving me the silent treatment – if he’s so worked up that he can’t speak politely with me, it’s on him to hole up in his office, or go for a walk outside, so that his mood doesn’t keep me from being comfortable in our home. And, he’s kept his word. It’s been almost 10 years (when did we get so old???) and while we’ve had plenty of fights since then, he’s never treated me that way again. We have a solid, loving, genuinely great marriage.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh my gosh, you could be me. My relationship with my former husband took a nose-dive when we got engaged and I chalked it up to stress about wedding planning. I ignored my gut and went forward with the marriage. The trashing of my belongings and storming out came later. I am here to tell you that it is vanishingly unlikely that things will get better.

      And also? It’s my strong belief that relationships stand or fall on their worst moments. Even if he is the greatest guy in the world when he’s in a good mood, do you want to be married to somebody who is capable of literally trashing the joint and then disappearing over night?

      Postponing/canceling the wedding won’t be easy, and it will cause a fuss. But it will be a whole lot easier and less fussy than being married to the wrong guy.

      • Senior Attorney

        Also? When you postpone, sit back and wait for all the people to come up to you and whisper “OMG I wish I’d had the guts to do what you’re doing!”

    • Scarlett

      A few things stick out for me in your posts in addition to the concerns about how he’s handling conflict and your current fight. It sounds like this is your first serious relationship & while some of those do work out for a lot of people, for many they don’t. It’s not unusual to get engaged to that first love and have it fall apart. I did that in my 20s, too & in hindsight I am so glad the engagement ended and I didn’t marry him. Sometimes the person we loved in college isn’t meant to be the person we spend our lives with.

      I’ve also posted before about being in a relationship with a severely depressed person. It’s really hard. It’s tough to sign up for that. It’s not to say never do it, but just really evaluate how well your partner manages it and whether they are capable of being a partner for you.

      And I 100% co-sign it’s a lot easier to call off a wedding than get divorced, and it’s cheaper the earlier you do it.

      Best of luck to you.

  19. Flaky skin under eyes

    Under eye skin question! I don’t usually wear under eye concealer, but this morning I used some for the first time in a while, and it looks on the flakier side. It’s a mac concealer that’s really smooth and recommended for the under eye area, and I used it with a brush, and I also had eye cream on, etc., so I do think I’m doing all the “right” things, but I’m wondering if the concealer is highlighting a problem of flaky under eye skin that I just didn’t notice before.

    Any remedies for flaky skin under the eyes??

    • Anonymous

      If you’re talking about little white balls that are on your skin, I’ve had that issue, and I think it may be a combination of the eye cream and the concealer. I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes two products just don’t work together.

    • Anon

      I have never had great luck with undereye concealer. It always looks a bit cakey on me. Unless you have very dark circles under your eyes, you probably don’t need that level of coverage. I use a BB cream as my foundation and when I’m sweeping it on with my big fluffy brush, I also sweep under by eyes, and that seems to do the trick. Maybe try that.

    • Miss

      If it balled up, it’s a problem with the two products not working together.

      If it’s just flaking, it may be an issue of too much concealer or the eye cream not absorbing before you put on the concealer. In my years and years of putting on undereye concealer I’ve learned that very very light layers is the only way to go. Put on a tiny amount of concealer and blend. If you need more, add another layer and repeat.

      Or it could be that your concealer has dried out and isn’t applying well for that reason. Many concealers that are labeled for undereye have not worked for me, so it could also be that this concealer isn’t a good fit for you.

  20. Anonymous

    Looking for advice on leaning out. My boss is leaving and I’m the natural choice to take over his position (I’m his deputy and I know they’re actively considering me). I would love the job and even expressed interest in it. However, the truth is that this is a terrible time for me to take on more responsibility. My husband and I are dealing with some issues in our marriage and this is really not a good time. (Take me at my word here.) How do I gracefully lean out? I don’t want to look like I’m not interested in advancement, but this is seriously not a good time. How can I explain it without, of course, going into personal details?

    • Anonymous

      Would they be able to flex on the job description? Could they provide additional responsibility to your replacement? You could phrase it as, “I would love to pursue this opportunity and think I could bring a lot to the table but unfortunately obligations in my personal life don’t allow me to take on that level of additional responsibilities at this time.” (Add in “I would be open to reconsidering if there was an opportunity to second some of the duties on a temporary basis.” – if applicable).

      • Anonymous

        When I expressed interest in the job, I asked to take it on in an acting capacity, with the idea that I could back out if it was too much. But I now realize that that inverts the timeline — I need no additional (or minimal additional) work now, but could take on more down the line, I think.

      • OP

        This is why I said you need to take me at my word. Sometimes leaning in is not the solution.

        • Anonymous

          She did take you at your word. You said your marriage is having issues. This is not the time to be turning down a promotion that you want, to please a husband that you are unhappy with in large part because he wants you to cut back on your career.

          • OP

            This was a solution we arrived at through a lot of therapy and that I am totally comfortable accepting. Please stop questioning this. If I were a guy and I said “hey, I need not to take this promotion because I’ve pursued my career at the expense of my wife” I doubt you’d have the same reaction. Please accept that a woman is just as capable of being insensitive as a man. Also, please don’t apply a generic gender framework to our situation. I never said I was unhappy with my husband or that I was unhappy with him because he wanted me to cut back on my career.

    • OP

      I should add, some of the conflict in our marriage is the sense that I’ve put my career ahead of my husband’s needs in the past, and so more than just “I need to not have distractions” I need to be clearer to my husband that he’s my priority. Right now, he feels like I’m incapable of saying “no” to work even if he’s the one who pays the price.

      • buzzkill

        What are your husband’s needs exactly? Can you do things like schedule a date night or schedule time together that can make him feel like a priority but not ruin your career? You need to take this

      • Anonymous

        Take the job and figure out how to make work life balance happen. That’s a “you” issue not a job issue.

        • Anonymous

          “I’m flattered to be asked, but now simply isn’t a good time for me to take on a new role.” Be firm. Expect it will hurt your career. You will look bad.

          • CountC

            I like this script.

            I tend to agree that there is not a way to turn this down but also look like you are interested in advancement. It’s going to hurt you in the long run for advancement at your company, but that is the decision you have made.

          • Another anonymous judge

            This. It’s “graceful”. You might add a comment that you hope to be in a position to be considered again in the future.

            But, if you mean you want a “graceful” way to turn it down without looking like you are not interested in advancement and with a guarantee that it won’t hurt your future chances – I don’t think there is one. The fact of the matter is that at this time you are NOT interested in advancement – or at least not enough to take the opportunity (which is not a comment on your reasons for making this choice – they’re yours and valid for you, and you are content with it). Further, you cannot control how others will view your choice when weighing up your suitability for advancement in the future. Maybe not fair or helpful of them, but true I think.

            Sometimes we just have to accept that there are consequences for our choices and that sometimes a train only comes around one time. You just have to make the best choice you can at the time and be prepared to live with the consequences. You have decided you do not want to live with the consequences in your personal life of making the opposite decision so better to come to terms with potential ones (assuming they even come to pass) in your work life now.

            Good luck with everything at home and at work!

          • Never too many shoes...

            I think this is the best possible script for the discussion right now BUT I agree with everyone else that this will absolutely hurt you both right now and down the road. All choices have consequences, even the ones that are right in other areas of our lives.

          • chick pea

            This may hurt your career, but it sounds like it will help your personal life immensely. Good luck to you!

        • buzzkill

          The thing is, if your husband is upset with your work commitments, he’s going to be upset regardless of if you take the job or not. You have to figure out how to make him feel lik ehe’s a priority no matter how busy you are. That’s not related ot your specific job but to how you guys handle things with work and life generally.

          • ChiLaw

            THIS THIS THIS. I was with a guy who didn’t like that I worked hard (but also, secretly, didn’t like that I had more superficial indicators of success than he did). If I took a night off to just hang out with him, he was mad that in the morning I had to go back in. If I scheduled a date at a nice restaurant, he was mad that the money I was using to pay for it came from the job that kept me away, etc. etc. etc. The job wasn’t the problem — our relationship was.

            I ended up dating a new guy while working the same job. He’d get frustrated when I couldn’t do whatever because of work, but we communicated productively and he always knew that he was my #1, and that I was his. It can be done.

          • Anonymous

            Right. If he’s upset that you’re successful and work really hard, turning down a promotion isn’t going to magically appease him. And then you’ll be out a husband AND a promotion. Unless this promotion is going to completely change the nature of your job (e.g., you would go from 40 hours a week in an office to 70 hours a week with lots of travel) it’s unfair of him to ask you to turn it down.

        • Anon

          You asked for advice and people are giving it to you. You’re dropping red flags all over the place.

          It’s like someone starting a conversation with “I’m not a racist, but”

    • Anonymous

      Tell them you’d love to take the job, but have a personal issue that requires you to only work X hours a week or that you can’t travel more than x% of the time and see if they can work with it. You don’t need to expand on what it is. You can even say that after a year you expect this not to be an issue anymore.

      • Anon

        I actually really like this. It’s saying “no” without saying no. This may be / probably is impossible in for org, but it allows you to save face internally while keeping to agreement/commitment to your husband. For example, your husband presumably would not object to you taking on a new role if it gave you a higher title, doubled your salary and magically allowed you to work less (ha!).

    • anne-on

      Can you clarify that you’d be happy to take the job on when it officially opens (with the understanding that they would be giving you someone to fill your own role?), but until then you don’t have capacity to handle those responsibilities plus your day job. I think its pretty understandable not to be able to handle 2 jobs, especially if you have personal things going on.

      • OP

        I’m confused. My boss is leaving next week. The job is pretty much officially open.

        • Bewitched

          I think you have been given some good advice above, particularly Anonymous at 10:52. Why beat a dead horse? Some of these comments are stemming from your own conflicting statements-e.g. I can’t take the job but I could take on more responsibility down the line. OK, that’s fine, but you know they are not going to hold the job until you are ready. So, you need to turn it down and you have been given an excellent script to do so.

          Some of the comments are from people who just disagree with your perspective. I think those same people would be OK if you said you were turning the job down because you have young kids (I’ve seen similar threads where they tell folks to lean out). Since your question only references a husband , this seems to flash with some people who feel that you are disadvantaging yourself to satisfy a man child (their perspective, not necessarily mine, since I don’t know your H). You can ignore those-you do you. Others will do what’s best for them. Sometimes family comes first, but I think these comments legitimately point out you may be giving up something good for you in the long term to save something which may or may not be salvageable.

        • JuniorMinion

          If it is open and they offer it to you and you don’t take it assume that this organization may not promote you again in the future. Talk is cheap, and your actions are saying that for whatever reason (your reason doesn’t matter – maybe you want to get to a sports practice every night etc) succeeding in your career / getting promoted right now is not important to you.

          One thing you could potentially do is tell your current employer that you are enjoying the challenges in your current role and feel that you would like some additional time at this level to become a subject matter expert in thing z / want a phased in transition to a new role. Then when you are ready to get promoted, you could undertake both an external / internal job search to try and jump to the next level. This is likely risky but I have seen people move orgs and start at the promoted level and no one is any the wiser as long as they have a plausible work related “story” for why the move now but not a year ago is the right thing for them.

          I would leave your personal situation completely out of it. Once you bring that up you invite people to judge as tons of married couples / people with kids do manage very demanding careers with no problems.

    • Bonnie

      I was offered a supervisory position recently and turned it down for family reasons. I let them know that I appreciated the opportunity, and hoped to pursue it in the future but that it was not the right time for personal reasons.

      • goldie

        This is exactly what Sheryl Sandberg advises in Lean In. She explains how she didn’t take a certain job early in her career because of some issue with her then-husband (maybe geography?? I can’t remember). When they then got divorced, she called back and said, hey, I can do that now. Her advice is to not be afraid to explain that you have a personal reason for a career decision, because if that personal reason changes and you can take it on later, you will look less flaky than if you didn’t explain your reason for declining in the first place.

          • Anonymous

            She divorced her first husband when she was pretty young and they didn’t have any kids. Then she lost her second husband who is the father of her children.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      You’ve gotten a lot of good advice on how to gracefully say no. I just wanted to raise one question for consideration. If you say no to the promotion, then you will end up with a new boss. That new boss may have very different expectations for you. The new boss may ask you to prove yourself, to work hard, to demonstrate your worth to the organization. Is it possible that leaning out of the promotion may backfire? I just worry that you’ll end up losing the promotion and losing the flexibility/free time that you hope to be getting by turning this down.

      Lots and lots of support to you.

    • ning

      I get you girl- right now I’m living halfway across the country from my husband because I don’t put him ahead of my career. At various times in our relationship, we’ve spanned from living together to living halfway across the world from each other. Actually, I originally took this job because DH said he was interested in relocating to this area, and has since changed his mind. Meanwhile, I’ve found a department that’s exactly the sort of work I want to do, the expertise I want to build.

      We’re at a stalemate- I’d have to start over and probably take a huge pay cut and loss of opportunities if I moved to his city. Unless he knows we’ll work out, he’s unwilling to drop his career and move. So what now? I could definitely be accused of needing to put my marriage first.

      But possibly, is “needing to put your husband first” really masking a larger issue in your relationship? Will “leaning back” solve it? Kind of like the Anne Hathaway movie “The Intern,” it’s not just about the time you put in, it’s how your partner reacts to it. I might just encourage you to consider how hindsight might look if things fall apart anyway. Again- with the disclaimer that I’m clearly not the good example here.

      That being said- My own male boss put off moving into his position for well over a decade in order not to relocate while his kids were in school. Just politely say that now’s not the right time, you have some personal priorities. Keep doing a good job, and more positions will open up in the future. These things never just happen once.

  21. anon

    Help! I’m getting married in 2 1/2 weeks and I need some skin intervention. I have combination/sensitive skin, which gets pretty dry and a little flaky in the winter. My makeup artist said during my makeup trial that the area under my eyes/next to my noise is flaky and suggested I do something about it before the wedding so that makeup goes on better. But I don’t know what moisturizer to use that won’t break me out. I need a real moisturizer, not a “hydrating serum” or gel or anything like that. Something that is really going to get rid of the flakes.

    Yes, I exfoliate, but if I exfoliate too much it’s a vicious cycle of flakes, so I’m trying to cut back on that.

    Any suggestions? TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Step One- a gentle toner. No physical exfoliation at all

      Step Two- any moisturizer you like.

      It’s the chemical exfoliant that will get rid of the flakes, not the moisturizer. Also buy a humidifier for your bedroom today!!!! and drink lots of water.

      • lsw

        Ask your makeup artist if it’s too late for a facial. And I agree with a humidifier. If you have radiators also put a pot of water on top. Stop exfoliating. Go to Sephora or wherever and ask for a few samples of moisturizer so you can see what doesn’t make you break out.

        • Anonymous

          pixi glow tonic is a gentle chemical exfoliant toner with glycolic acid, that would be a good one to try

      • NewRecruit

        I agree with gentle toner- use all natural witch hazel after you cleanse your face. Just rub it on gently with a cotton pad. Let dry, apply your moisturizer. Do religiously morning and night after face wash.

    • Bonnie

      I would not change your skin routine right now because it could make you break out. If you get a gentle facial now there should be enough time to deal with any redness. I feel like my skin always glows after a facial.

      • anon

        what kind of facial should I be getting? i got one a few months ago (my first ever) and she spent most of the time doing “Extractions.” my face was fine after, but at this point i don’t care about blackheads (I don’t really have many to begin with), just about my face being soft and non-flaky.

        • Never too many shoes...

          A little microdermabrasion might help. I have literally zero after-effects and my skin looks great for days afterwards.

        • Bonnie

          I’d limit the extractions and tell them that you want gentle exfoliation that will refresh your skin.

    • Anon

      I am really liking Olay 7-in-1 moisturizer (the one with no sunscreen) on my sensitive, sometimes flaky skin. It’s gentle and non-irritating but hydrating.

      Combining that with washing only once per day (honestly, no one needs to wash their face after sleeping) has really cut down on my typical winter dryness.

    • Calico

      Fish oil supplements! Your skin will glow. I have acne prone skin and it has never made me break out, but instead I get dewy skin.

    • SuziStockbroker

      Origins Drink Up Overnight Mask is amazing, I have no more flakes at all.
      Not expensive either.

    • Shananana

      My sister had the same issue and I gave her some vitamin C serum I was using – cleared it right up! I like MadHippie brand, but there are lots of options. I also second the Orgins overnight mask for intensive catch up :)

    • numbersmouse

      I have the same type of skin. I’ve figured out that I need a combination of products for sensitive and oily skin. So two options: 1) gentle cleanser and exfoliant + light moisturizer, or 2) acne-fighting cleanser and toner + thick moisturizer. Right now I’m doing the first combination using Clinique products: the facial soap for oily skin, the #2 toner (you can probably just use witch hazel instead), and their Pore Refining Solutions Stay-Matte Hydrator. That last moisturizer is not cheap but it’s like magic for my skin; mattifies and prevents breakouts but somehow hydrating enough even in the winter. I’ve also had good luck with the Acne Solutions range combined with the Moisture Surge moisturizer.

    • ning

      I have really dry skin that’s crazy sensitive. Paula’s Choice works best, especially when I’m really dried out. I’ve never had any irritation with them. I forget what my specific one is called, but it’s a small white bottle. I would def recommend any of their products for ladies with sensitive skin.

    • Water, always

      Drink like 120 oz of water a day in addition to whatever skincare recommendations seem right from above.

  22. Anonymous

    I’m wearing dark gray ankle pants with black trouser socks and black ballet flats today and I’m so self conscious about the silhouette of my ankles/feet.

    Normally I would wear them with booties but they all have heels and the balls of my feet have been killing me these days.

    Gah.

    • Amanda

      No one will notice. I have never heard or seen anyone judge anyone else’s ankles or feet.

    • ck

      Instead of ballet flats, I would get a pair of sleek loafers and a pair of flat booties.

      I’m not a big fan of ballet flats to begin with.

    • Baconpancakes

      I wear thin black socks with loafers and ankle pants. It’s really because my ankles get really effing cold, but I like to think it makes me look like I’m trying something out of the J.Crew catalogue.

  23. Anonymous who doesn't think I should be pissed at certain Republicans

    Trump said he would do all of these things. These people said he was not serious and would not be that insane, and used that as a justification for why it was alright to vote for him. Now he is doing those things. People say to take Trump seriously – these semi-supporters of his did not, thought it would be fine to vote for him, and now here we are. I am angry that they dismissed my concern using this rationale that was never very sound.

    If you are angry at someone it does not mean you think they are a horrible person. You can be angry if your husband doesn’t take out the trash but that doesn’t mean you hate him (or what the other poster wrote about their fiancee).

    I never said all Republicans. I said I am angry at a certain group of people for something they said and claimed and did. That is fair game.

    • Anonymous who doesn't think I should be pissed at certain Republicans

      ANON – Love this

      “OH COME ON.

      Those people didn’t just turn out to be wrong because they can’t see into the future. They purposely ignored explicit promises that he repeated for months on end because it was easier to pretend he was just bloviating than to admit that they placed their own economic interests above these horrifying policies. (Or maybe it was easier to pretend he wasn’t serious than to admit that they kind of liked the proposals.)

      Anger at the people who PUT HIM IN OFFICE so he could do EXACTLY WHAT HE TOLD THEM HE WOULD DO is not misplaced.

      And it’s not like anger is a finite resource. Give me a break.”

      P.S. – I am also angry at the liberal “Trump and Clinton are the same” people.

    • Anonymous

      Is anyone who voted for him upset though? The people I know who voted for him are all defending this action and saying it’s not a Muslim ban, and he is doing what he promised to do, i.e., extreme vetting that will make the borders safer. Totally agree with you on the “Trump & Clinton are equally evil” liberals though.

      • Marshmallow

        Right. I see a lot of folks knee-jerking to “Oh, not all Republicans!” but then they aren’t actually speaking out about this. I’ve also gotten some giggles from being called a “bigot” for “discriminating against Republicans because of our beliefs.” No.

        • CountC

          I am always entertained by the, “This isn’t very tolerant of you liberals!!” *eye roll*

          • pugsnbourbon

            I KNOW.

            Pointing out someone’s intolerance is not being intolerant. Pointing out someone’s racism is not being racist or “divisive.”

        • Anonymous

          My favorite was the white male on FB (friend of a friend) who complained about being “harassed” for being a white male with conservative beliefs. I’m still chuckling about the level of privilege one must feel to make that claim.

      • SC

        My parents who live in a swing state didn’t like Trump or Clinton. My mom voted for Trump, and my father voted for Johnson. They both said things like, “It won’t make much difference,” “He won’t do everything he says he’s going to do,” “Just wait and see,” etc. I’m still pretty p*ssed at them. I know they don’t support many of Trump’s policies–they don’t agree with the immigration ban, they think the wall is stupid, they’re pro-choice–but I also think they’re comfortable in their privileged bubble and have a remarkable ability to justify why other people aren’t their problem. I don’t know if their complacency makes them bad people. I don’t even know if their complacency is any worse than my own–I’ve called my congressmen, posted a few things on FB, gone to a local march, but I haven’t done anything that actually requires sacrifice or makes a real difference.

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s just fine to not know how you feel about this or what to think about it. We don’t all have to have an opinion about everything all the time.

          But I do think that the bigger picture is that we should respect people with different opinions or votes than ours.

          This isn’t really a response to what you said, SC, as much as it is a chance to fit in a little resistance to the forum here which feels a lot like an echo chamber right now. I actually agree with you all most of the time, but I feel like dissenting perspectives should be more welcome than it feels like they are at this time.

          • Anon

            Absolutely agree with this. Dissenting perspectives have not been welcome here at all. I have all but quit reading here recently for that reason. “I don’t know if their complacency makes them bad people.” What? No, it doesn’t. And disagreeing with you doesn’t make them bad people. And the idea that it does is why our nation is so polarized.

            The comments here are so incredibly condescending towards anyone remotely conservative that it’s hard to imagine many posters here even attempting to understand the other side. I don’t think they want to.

          • Anonymous

            Really? What’s the other side of banning people for their religion after they have been approved after months or years of screening? Of preventing CANADIANS from merely transiting an American airport just because they were born outside Canada. I’d really like to know what you think the other side of that is.

        • Anonymous

          Could you encourage them to call their congresspeople and tell them that they generally support Trump but do not support X policy? I dont really know, but I feel like that would have a lot more impact than all of us liberals calling.

    • Anon

      I’m pretty mad at my longtime friend who claims to be a christian but says things like muslim refugees shouldn’t be our problem and she doesn’t want to pay for them.

      I’m not religious but I know exactly what side her j es us would have been on. He would have fit right in, too, with his long hair and sandals.

      • anon

        Seriously? You would be mad at a longtime friend for seeing the world differently than you do?

        • Anon

          Yes, I’m mad at her for being mean and uncharitable and for falling for the fear mongering. These are normal and necessary things to be mad at friends and loved ones about. If I were falling all over myself to say, “oh that’s OK, these are just your beliefs” then I would count myself in the acquaintance rather than friend camp.

          I hope, as her longtime friend, to help her see her behavior as uncharitable, which it certainly is, and unnecessarily fearful, which may be more a matter of opinion, but the facts are on my side.

          • anon at 1:17

            I think you are coming from a place of love, and I hope your friend can see that.

            For me, I have had to learn that part of loving someone ( such as a friend, not so much an acquaintance) is accepting them as capable of having their own opinions and respecting them enough to not necessarily try to change them.

            I have also been on the receiving end of caring friends ( probably like you) modeling more mature actions than my own and learning from that.

            So who knows how it will go? I guess I just hope to be able to keep my friends even when we disagree. But maybe they won’t keep me?

          • Anonymous

            They shouldn’t keep you if you want to ban people because of their religion. Who would want someone like that as a friend? I couldn’t be friends with someone who had such a hate filled heart.

          • anon at 1:17

            For the record, I don’t want to ban people because of their religion. I do think a conversation about risks vs rewards in the context of accepting refugees is in order. I don’t think the issue is whether to accept refugees. The issue is how and under what procedures can we support bringing refugees?

          • Anonymous

            There are protective procedures in places. The refugees are screened for 18-24 months. And the ban extends well beyond refugees. There are Canadian PhD students who can’t get in to do their Phd research in high level physics.

            There have been zero terrorist attacks by refugees. ZERO. I don’t see you up in arms about the white males shooting up innocent people at prayer in a Canadian mosque. You would literally have more justification to ban Canadian white men then you would Syrian refugees.

          • anon at 1:17

            Right. Like I said, I don’t want to ban people for their religion.

          • Anonymous

            yet you can’t actual articulate a single concern with the current refugees screening process or identify a single incidence where anything negative has happened as a result of that screening process. the need for a review of procedures for screening is entirely an imagined problem used to poorly disguise bigotry.

          • anon at 1:17

            No, no, no! The review of procedures that I would like to see would allow green card holders to come and go. It would allow those students on travel visas to come and stay for some pre-determined amount of time to study and then hopefully to choose for themselves whether to stay here or return to their country of origin.

            In saying that I wanted to evaluate risk vs. reward, I see that as a necessary ongoing question. How can we keep a balance of people coming in and getting integrated successfully? How can we support them? How can they contribute to our country? How can we do this while keeping our citizens as safe as possible? These are hard questions that are necessary to answer from a procedural standpoint since the reality is that we don’t have open borders.

            Since you are pressing me to articulate a concern, my concern is that in attempting to do good, how do we balance that optimally with abiding by our laws (or changing them if needed)? It’s not easy to effect change, and things are happening so fast.

          • Anonymous

            But you still haven’t articulated a single concern – what are you trying to balance with ‘attempting to do good’? Security? Because the security concerns are not grounded in fact. Zero terrorist attacks by refugees. Zero.

            This is the complete opposite of the illegal immigration issue. The ban affect Legal immigrants The two are entirely unrelated. The people who are now subject to the ban were screened and approved whether for green cards, student visas or refugee status.

        • Senior Attorney

          I’m not the Anon above, but… yes.

          If by “seeing the world differently than you do,” you mean “exhibiting callous disregard for fellow human beings in terrible circumstances because caring about them might be inconvenient for her.”

        • Anonymous

          It’s not ‘seeing the world differently than you do’, it’s have different fundamental values – America was literally founded on the idea of religious freedom by people that had fled religious persecution. 45 is giving a big middle finger to those values.

          And, it is actually unChristian, – see statements by every single major Christian religious group worldwide denouncing the ban.

        • Anonymous

          Um, yes. I have distanced myself from several people who support Trump. Sorry, but this isn’t a matter of “different beliefs” – if you believe that all Muslims are terrorists and should be banned from this country (in addition to all of Trump’s other offensive actions), then I don’t want anything to do with you, and I certainly don’t want you to be around my child.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Here’s my concern about using the Christian/un-Christian hypocrite argument. None of us are consistent all the time. As an atheist who grew up in an environment that pushed religion on me until I was old enough to leave, I do have a reaction whenever someone posts a bible quote that directly contradicts the action of a Christian. But pointing out the hypocrisy gets us nowhere. Especially if we are gleeful about it. It’s like taking joy catching someone in a lie. Their reaction is likely to be to double down and be even more defensive.

        None of us are always consistent in our views and actions or even just our views alone.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not about being gleeful about it. It’s about being utterly frustrated with extremist Christian groups trying to prevent the faith.

    • Anon

      I’ve come to realize that there are many people in my circle who are really nice people as long as your are someone who has the same race/socioeconomic standing/national origin/religion/etc. as them. This came to a head with this election because they had always been such nice people to me (who is white, straight, upper middle class, Caucasian, etc.), but clearly were not very nice people to those outside of their bubble. I have had to distance myself from many of these people as a coping mechanism.

      • Anonymous

        Can you elaborate on what made it “clear” that they were not very nice to those outside their bubble?

        I am trying to figure out if you had to distance yourself from a cruel, wrong action that they took such as a hateful or bigoted remark or if you distanced yourself once you found out they had different political views than yours.

  24. Anon

    What are some small little things you do on a day-to-day basis to let your significant other know you’re thinking of them or to make them feel special? My husband and I have A LOT going on with work and life stuff right now, so there’s no time or money for something big or time-consuming. I would like to find little ways to keep the spark going and let him know that I’m still so glad I married him, even with all of the current stress and craziness. Bonus points if it’s something I could do while one of us is traveling.

    • Anonymous

      I used to stick post-its with a heart or a lipstick kiss on them in my DH’s luggage (like one on each sweater) when he had a travel heavy job. Occasionally stuck in some of his fav candy as well.

      • Anonymous

        I do post-its too. This is a good reminder for me to do it more because I know he likes it – he saves them! Dash board, bathroom mirror, on his laptop keyboard (or something he takes to work), etc. I mail postcards too, esp. when I travel.

      • mascot

        I’ve tracked down travel size versions of his favorite toiletries instead of him relying on the limited inventory at the drugstore. The candy idea is a good one. Also, favorite snacks, coffee, tea or adult beverage supplies for his hotel room.
        On a day to day basis, he brings me my coffee every day while I am getting ready.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve been trying to figure out ways to do this for my boyfriend as well. He’ll sneak candy bars into my bag sometimes when he’s at my place and I’m still trying to figure out ways to let him know. I like the post-it idea.

    • ChiLaw

      Do you actually tell him that with words? Not to the point of nausea, but I try to intersperse a few “I appreciate you so much!” or “You looked so hot in that outfit” among my “can you please remember to pick up milk?” texts.

      • Cb

        I’m awful at this and really working to be better. The sentimentality doesn’t come naturally to me but is important to my husband. We joke that he gets nicer texts from the neighbour (“thanks so much for your help, you’re a pal” versus my “on the bus”, “bought milk”).

        I also find making sure we’re together, even if we aren’t doing anything exciting, is helpful. So if he’s decompressing with a video game, I’ll put my head on his lap and read my book. We also shower together which I think is a nice way to have a safe space where the world can’t intrude but also that physical connection.

    • Anonymous

      My husband and I make a point of thanking each other for the little things we do each day. Thank you for making dinner. Thank you for taking out the garbage. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher…

      • H

        My husband was always thanking me for these things and I thought it was so weird at first. But I’ve kind of had issues with always saying thank you. It’s a strange thing to me sometimes and I’m not sure if it’s because my parents didn’t emphasize it enough when I was a small child? I’m getting better and trying to say it more to him for the little things. I know he appreciates it.

    • lsw

      When he’s traveling, can you have something sent to his hotel – either waiting for him in the room or delivered when he’s there? Maybe you could call the concierge for ideas.

    • In-House in Texas

      Here’s something fun and sexy that I do. I often send him links to several things I’m planning to buy…like a new comforter, maybe a pair of shoes for him, something around the house…doesn’t really matter what, but I’ll send him about 4-5 links to look at. But one of the links will be something suggestive, like a nightie for me or maybe some massage oils, anything that might excite him. The first time I did it went over huge!! I just sent him a couple of links to articles about the politics but I inserted a link to an article about unconventional places where couples like to “do it” and he was very excited and emailed me back that he wanted to do them all. That night, we checked one off the list. It’s fun and doesn’t cost a thing but shows I’m thinking about him.

    • Torin

      Last week my SO bought me a specific limited edition beer from a local brewery he found at the grocery store. He can’t drink beer (celiac), but friends of his were raving about it and he knows I like the brewery, so he bought me some the next time I was at the store. It was such a small thing, but it made me feel really loved because it showed that he thinks about what I might enjoy when I’m not even in the room.

      Having typed this out I now feel like it reads as a humble brag, but what I’m trying to say is I think doing this kind of thing for your SO as much as possible is really important. It took very little of either his money or his time, but it showed thought and caring. You could pick something up for him that would make his life easier when you’re traveling perhaps, or that he would enjoy in his free time when you’re not around?

      • Scarlett

        I’m a huge fan of little things at the grocery store. I try to get my husband random little things he likes to eat if I know we don’t have them in the house, even if they’re not on the list when I go shopping. When he shops for us, I’ve told him I love when he comes home with flowers & he’s started doing that (he’s not a “gifts” love language guy, but a Gottman fan & totally understood, so communication is good too).

    • nutella

      My SO travels about once a week and gets up much earlier and works much later than I do. We do these: (1) when he is home and goes to bed before me, I “tuck him in” – get in bed with him so we can talk about what’s on our mind, how our day was, what’s up for tomorrow, etc. Snuggles and no phones or tv. (2) I often write him a quick post-it before bed telling him something sweet for him to see in the morning and he will often do the same. (3) when he is traveling, I leave him cards for him to read when he is gone and he will often do the same for me. (Sometimes I will write him a post-it and take a picture and send to him!)

      … we obviously do not have children, so can funnel our energy in our free time towards each other :) But we save all of the post-its and cards! On more than one occasion, one of us has taken the note to work in our pocket for encouragement during a really tough week.

    • Anon

      I stay married to him even when he’s an a ss hole. That’s worth more than a post-it.

    • Anonymous

      My husband and I text randomly throughout the day just to say I love you or I miss you or a song came on that made me think of you stuff like that. I also text him suggestive stuff every now and then, which he loves! He’s always doing stuff for me like checking things on my car to make sure it is good or bringing home a snack I like. I try to do stuff for him like remembering to fold his pants the weird way he prefers when I do laundry or rubbing his back even when I’m tired.

  25. Anonymous

    This is a weird question, but my husband and I got into a big fight the other day because he made a comment (in the context of a Facebook discussion he was having with a friend) that if he could he would sacrifice me or our daughter to save Syrian refugees. Don’t get me wrong, I’m horrified by the refugee situation and the current administration’s response to it and I believe all Americans have a moral obligation to do what they can (donating time, money, expert services, etc.) to help refugees, but I also believe you’re allowed to assign greater weight to people you love and you don’t have to say that three people’s lives always outweighs one person’s life, if that one person is someone you know and love and the other three people are strangers. When I got upset, he eventually rephrased it as he wouldn’t choose to sacrifice us without our consent, but he would “encourage” us to do so (in a hypothetical situation where us dying could be 100% guaranteed to save a greater number of people). He says this is no different than encouraging your partner to go fight in a war for a cause you believe, because there’s a good chance of dying in war (he cited a statistic about how 80% of a certain type of pilot died in WWII) but it feels very different to me. I tried to tell him hurtful it was to hear him say stuff like this and his response was basically shrugging and saying “I guess I’m a strict utilitarian.”

    I feel like it’s silly to be upset about this – since this is a totally hypothetical situation that for all intents and purposes could never come to pass and he is in all real life aspects a wonderful husband and father – but it is still really bothering me a few days later. Thoughts?

    • anon

      I don’t really have any advice, but it would bother me, too. The fact that he said it, and then didn’t apologize when you said you were hurt, seems really tone-deaf and inconsiderate even if you accept the principle of what he said (which I don’t).

    • anon

      Tone-deaf, but it doesn’t sound like he was trying to be a jerk. I’d probably try to avoid that type of hypothetical philosophical discussion with him in the future. I have some things like that with my husband (like the fact that he doesn’t want to be an organ donor), but it’s not a type of conversation or choice that is critical to a healthy marriage, so we just ignore those particular differences.

    • Anonymous

      I would focus on how it made you feel. That you understand on an intellectual level that he was treating it as an intellectual exercise but you were really hurt. You’re not asking him to agree if he thinks you ‘should’ be hurt, but to respect that you are and be empathetic. It’s not silly to be upset about this.

      I would also encourage you to talk to him about avoiding these sorts of false dichotomies. No one has to chose between you and Syrian refugees. It is an entirely imagined problem. Canada accepted over 40 000 Syrian refugees and there have been zero issues with these refugees who are mostly families with small children. If we wanted to really save lives, we’d ban white males from having guns. So mad that Spicer tried link the ban and the Quebec City attack on the mosque by a far right white male. Apparently Muslims are at fault even when they are the victims.

      • SuziStockbroker

        I was going to post about this.

        It sicked me that Spicer used this horrifying attack, BY A WHITE MAN, where 19 Muslims were shot in the back, and 6 died to somehow justify a Muslim ban. Talk about blaming the victims.

        Also, Donald Trump Jr re-tweeted an erroneous Fox News description of the suspect as a Muslim from Morocco.

        The young white male shooter is Canadian, and an avowed Trump supporter and white supremacist.

        Last time I checked, Beavis had not deleted his re-tweet, and while Fox has edited their story, it still looks from the headline and the re-tweets like it was a Muslim man that did this.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks.

          Like an accurate headline would be “Trump supporter shoots people at pray” but instead, if you don’t actually read the article, the implication is that it was a ‘terrorist attack’ like San Bernadino.

    • Anon

      I would be really pissed if my husband just offered me and our kid on a silver platter to save someone else. I don’t understand that at all. If he was asked a direct question, like “would you sacrifice your wife to save 10,000 others?”, I could see answering that way. What I don’t get is why he would offer the sacrifice when no one has asked for it.

      • Not OP

        I’m not the OP but I’m guessing the conversation was about the danger of refugees and by allowing them in there is an increased risk of a terrorist attack that would kill his wife and kids. And he, in explaining he was ok with that risk, likely said he’s lose them to save the other thousands.

    • Anonymous

      This would make me very angry. I would probably give him a copy of The Critique of Pure Reason for Valentine’s Day.

    • Anon

      Kind of stupid of him to say that and important to remind him that this is not an either-or situation. We can keep our family members safe AND save refugees. That is kind of the point.

    • OP

      Thanks everyone, I appreciate your thoughts. To answer a couple questions, yes he said he would sacrifice himself too, and would do so before us. He knows this is not a dichotomy and that we can keep our family members safe and save refugees. His comments arose out of a Facebook discussion with people who were making the argument that it is a dichotomy and his reaction was 1) it’s not a dichotomy and 2) even if it were, it is a choice worth making, similar to what Not OP at 12:20 said. I’m sure he is in complete agreement with Anon at 11:49’s second paragraph, as am I.

      • Anonymous

        This is really late, but I wanted to say that I can see myself saying the same/similar thing. In fact, I actually started laughing out loud while reading your post. I would see this as a 100% philosophy-type musing ( I was a philosophy major; how do I miss those days!) and purely theoretical thinking. Really, think of it as a way in which your husband is expressing he cares about the world and is a good person. (And, if this really happened, he totes would not do this, anyway, I wager.)

    • Never too many shoes...

      This reminds me of a board I used to read years ago which nearly imploded under the controversy of a thread about whether, if the opportunity arose, one would choose to save a random stranger or their own pet. Good times.

      OP, I do not think that you are wrong to be bothered (since everyone is entitled to their feelings) but he is also entitled to say that he would sacrifice that which he loves most for the greater good of humanity if it came to that. I feel like I am always referencing The West Wing to real life, but “a self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice”.

      • Senior Attorney

        HAHAHAHAHA!

        Let me guess… did those people also come to blows over “shoes in the house, or not?”

    • Senior Attorney

      My thoughts are I get where he’s coming from, kind of.

      Immediately after the election I said something like “I wonder if I’d have the strength to sacrifice my relationship with Lovely Husband in order to have the results of the election come out the other way.” Not exactly the same thing as offering his life, but still “sacrificing him” in a way.

      My son was there, and he laughed and said “Mom, I think you’re in the ‘bargaining’ stage of grief…”

      And yes, Anon at 11:49 and Suzi Stockbroker and right on.

  26. Clueless

    Does “approved by committee vote” mean “approved and DeVos is our new Secretary of Education”?

    • Anon

      Does “approved by committee vote” mean “approved and DeVos is our new Secretary of Education”?

    • ArenKay

      Nope, nominees also have to be approved by full Senate. But not a good sign, as she is by far the weakest of a weak bunch of nominees.

  27. Rockport Shoes

    Has anyone tried Rockport Flats? Do they hold up well for the price? I rarely get anything more than a few months out of flats so I have been buying cheap ones. I am looking for a simple ballet flat that has arch support and either runs wide or comes in wide sizing (I am sort of inbetween) if anyone has a different suggestion.

  28. Anonymous

    Did you hear Trump is turning our government into his reality show? He’s bringing both Gorsuch and Hardiman to DC for the unveiling. I know this doesn’t matter compared to the terrible things he is actually donig, but I just hate how unpresidential he is being.

  29. Anonymous

    Hope I’m not too late for this thread. Looking for advice on outsourcing cleaning help. My S.O. and I are thinking of hiring a cleaning lady, and we have zero experience with this. We both are very busy at work and don’t have the energy to maintain order in our 1BR condo. By midweek its a total disaster and it really affects both of our moods. It could definitely use a good cleaning, but I think the bigger issue is clutter/general messiness- things everywhere that need to be put away, sink full of dirty dishes, etc. Does anyone have experience with hiring a cleaning lady for a little apartment, and do you think one would actually help in this scenario?

    • Anonymous

      We have the same issue, and a cleaning person helps because you HAVE to straighten before they come. They can’t clean around your mess. It’s a frantic, sometimes cranky half-hour straightening session the morning of the cleaners, and when we come home from work the house is literally perfect.

    • CHL

      I think that some people “overclean” before their cleaning service comes and you can talk about it and negotiate it as part of the scope. We make sure all toys are put away, but she does whatever dishes are left, puts them away (sometimes in interesting places but that’s the price we pay.) We actually find it helpful that she’ll neatly stack some clutter and that works fine for us.

    • Ariadne

      Late to this, but when we lived in a small apartment a cleaning service saved our sanity! Smaller spaces clutter much more easily (in my experience) because much more is visible, and there is simply less space to put things away, or less storage. We now have a larger space, and it takes much longer for clutter to accumulate, and we clean it up ourselves.

    • Parfait

      I have a tiny apartment and a cleaning service. They come every two weeks and it makes me actually pick up all my debris. It makes a huge difference, and it means that I never have to feel: (a) martyred for doing all the things or (b) guilty for not doing all the things or (c) resentful toward my SO for not doing all the things or (d) ashamed that neither one of us is doing all the things.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions