ByKat G Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Pearl Crossbody

The Lo & Sons crossbody has, of course, been around for several years now — but I must say I've been reluctant on it, in part because it reminded me of something I carried in my teen years. But I'm warming up! I always trust the team at Lo & Sons to put together a lovely, intelligent product (full disclosure: I've worked with them in the past, but this post is not sponsored) and the Saffiano leather looks a bit above the other options in this price point. Plus they have three new colors, including blue, silver and graphite. The Pearl is $248. Pearl Crossbody  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

135 Comments

    1. In this order:
      1. Cash
      2. Anything on my registry
      3. Offensively expensive bottle of champagne that narcissistic uncle gave. First time in my life I was the beneficiary of his issues.

    2. A really high quality imitation down comforter (I’m allergic to down). But honestly, I appreciated almost every gift and card we got, even the $8 cheese grater from a friend who was in grad school and spent a lot of money attending the wedding. What I did not appreciate was the (sometimes expensive!) off-registry stuff that wasn’t to our tastes. I’m a minimalist and would so much rather have a heartfelt card than something I don’t want and have no need for.

    3. Best: Set of pots – I love to cook and it’s nicer than I would have bought myself and I use it every single day. It was a group gift from my siblings.

      2nd best: Fancy china – it has been a part of every special celebration in the last ten years – make a celebration feel extra special. Will be using it tonight to serve BBQ’d hot dogs for kindergarten’s birthday (kid’s fav meal, sigh). Kids ask to use it for ‘special occasions’ which apparently now includes when you lose a tooth.

      Worst: painting from MIL of DH’s childhood home where she still lives (WTF?)

      1. Best: gifts cards from favorite furniture store allowing us to buy lovely furniture that makes us happy every day.

        Worst: painting from my aunt who sees herself as an artist. I don’t want to be mean, but it really isn’t our style and it’s hidden in a cupboard somewhere.

    4. Depends on what you consider “best.” The most useful is actually a $20 oxo vegetable chopper that has significantly cut down on my vegetable prep time. A friend got a customized decorative plate with our names and wedding date on it that I really like, but customized gifts are pretty hit or miss and depend on someone really knowing you well (Worst was a set of king sheets embroidered with my “new” initials, except I did not change my last name. Nor do I have a king bed. We had regular queen sheet sets on our registry that were still available.)

    5. Sentimental: the best man works in a lumber mill and MADE US A BENCH with our names and the date on it/my grandmother and I have always had a thing about lighthouses and she gave us a set of lighthouse mugs with $ to buy another to complete the collection while on our honeymoon near Bar Harbor…
      Practical: towels and sheets
      “YES, somebody gave us that!”: KitchenAid and this funny little egg poaching pan my husband really wanted.

    6. Date night in a bag! It was a gift bag with a VHS (b/c it was the stone age), microwave popcorn, loads of movie theater boxed candy, a cuddly blanket, small card game, etc. I loved how fun, creative, and different it was.

    7. Fancy, semi shallow silver bowl, sort of a centerpiece for teh table that you could display fruit in. The giver passed away recently, and it just means so much to me to have that rememberence.

      Other favorite is an ugly sculpture from one side of my family whose wedding gift tradition is to give something ugly. It’s not a side of the family I am particularly close with, and to get the insight into their tradition is sweet. Als, the ugly thing is more garish than straight-up ugly. It makes me smile when I look at it.

      Otherwise, cash.

    8. Best:
      Serving pieces

      Worst:
      The “marriage takes three” plaque reminding us to involve God in our marriage. My husband is atheist and the gift giver knew it. The only good part is the story that comes with it. The priest who married us nearly spit out his drink laughing at my husband’s cheerful, “Of course! How thoughtful of her to acknowledge our dog’s role” comment.

      1. Haha! I’m also agnostic and totally thought it was a reference to child(ren) (which would be so presumptuous and offensive!) until I saw you mentioned God.

      2. I love your husband. The gift giver should be banished forever.

    9. I have one darling friend who did not believe “please don’t give me presents” and she bought basically the entire registry my mom had cajoled me into making. I still smile and think of her generosity every time I use the immersion blender or ice cream maker. Another friend made bowties for our cats. I have great friends.

      My then-boss gave me an embarrassing amount of money, probably to cover for being a weirdocreep. It was awkward, though, like… cringey to receive so much money from him. I mean, I appreciated it and it made our honeymoon extra awesome, but … bleh.

        1. Someone here recommended wine for cats (it’s not really wine). I forget the website name. I got a Riesling-loving friend a bottle of her favorite wine and a bottle of Meowsling for her birthday last year.

    10. This is tough! Probably the matching mother-of-pearl bedside lamps and coordinating shades from PB that are gorgeous but were way more than I would have wanted to spend on myself (but they really complete our bedroom and make it so cozy and elegant looking.) Or a case of wine, of which we managed to save a few bottles to enjoy on our anniversaries!

    11. Favorite was probably the serveware (a lot of wilton armetale), the staub pots and the all-clad roaster for holiday turkeys, but I probably would have (and have since supplemented the collection) bought these myself.

      What gets the most use day to to day are the new towels, duvet and daily silverware and dishes (fiestaware).

      Things I’m glad to have but would never have bought myself – our fancy china. My mother really regrets that she never registered for china and her mother didn’t have a complete set, so being able to pull out the fancy plates for special occasions and being able to hand them down to my daughter (if she wants them, if not Salvation Army will have some fancy plates) is really important to me. I hope she likes them better than the 4!! sets my only child of a husband will be getting from my MIL (none of which are dishwasher safe and all of which are not the prettiest patterns, but maybe the sentimentality will grow on me).

      Most thoughtful off-registry gift – an art deco style limited print referring to justice from DH’s aunt that fits our house really well and since we’re both lawyers was 100% on point.

    12. Fellow fancy-china lover here. I’d cheerfully use it once a week if I could get DH on board. We have a popular pattern that was launched ~100 years ago so there is a lot of used service ware out there. Actually seeing how easy it is to pick up a lightly used, 50 year old set of the china makes me want to use ours all the time*. The kids can get their own china! I want to leave them a set that was used at wonderful and crazy parties and celebrations.

      *If you go this route you can fill out your collection (very slowly) on ebay. I now have a turkey sized platter!

    13. Favorite: donations to charity
      Least favorite: physical gifts, because we meant it when we said no gifts please

    14. I love all the kitchen stuff we received – we already had a well stocked kitchen, but this was a great chance to upgrade and get beautiful things that will last for a long time. I cook all the time with the Le Creuset dutch oven and braised we received, as well as our All Clad pans. On the less pricey side, we got a large metal colander that fits so much and makes me so happy when I can wash and drain tons of veggies for dinner at once. It’s the little things. Also, duralex glasses – they’re timeless and classic, affordable, and indestructible! And such a nice upgrade from Ikea.

      I also love our fancy china – don’t get to use it enough, and it takes up a ton of room in our small apartment, but I love that we will use it at important events throughout our lives, and hopefully pass it down to children some day.

      We didn’t get any rogue gifts (yay classy, tasteful friends and family!), but the things I would re-think if doing it again are things that don’t last as well – linens and towels are nice to have new, but I know we’ll have to retire ours soon. Same with some of the less nice things we put on our registry – for example, a cheaper tea kettle and toaster because we felt silly registering for the nicer, more expensive version. While it’s important to balance out price (and we had lots of ~$5 bowls or spatulas that I love), I now feel bad replacing something that’s not great because it was a wedding gift. Registering for the version I really wanted, even if it meant we didn’t get it, would have been better.

    15. Most unexpectedly useful: a cuisinart griddler (with plates you can swap in to make waffles). Not on our registry, but in our tiny apartment without access to a real grill we probably used it twice a week for the five years after we got married and it’s still heavy in our winter rotation now that we live somewhere with an outside grill for the summer.

      Sweetest: my best friend’s mom, who was almost like another parent to me growing up, gave me a cutting from the aloe plant she has in her kitchen. Every time I burn myself (more often than I would like), I think about the fact that she is still taking care of me. She also gave us a fancy carving set, but that’s probably gotten a single digit number of uses over the years because we are not the hosts for my family’s big holiday events.

    16. Cash. We only got two material gifts – a Le Creuset dutch oven and crystal candlestick holders. One is great, and one is terrible and hidden away forever. You can guess which is which.

    17. Best: One of my good friends crocheted a throw, big enough for two. She said, you can never find throw blankets big enough for two people to cuddle under so she made us one.

    18. Can’t tell if you’re asking from the perspective of the married person or the gift giver, so in case you’re asking because you’re making a registry:

      Things I’m happiest about registering for: All-clad pans, Le Creuset, Dyson Vacuum, Nesting mixing bowls (I think these were like $30 dollars for 10 and I love the tiny one that sits on top – every time I do fancy baking I love to measure out the the ingredients in the small bowls like I’m on a cooking show)

      What I wish I’d added: a blender (maybe even a vitamix) but I wasn’t into smoothies pre-marriage and thought I could just use the immersion blender or food processor

      Favorite non-registry gifts: Creuset grill pan, $25 check from my cousin who was 18. At that age I probably would’ve put my name on my parents’ gift, and I’ll always remember that she made an effort to do a separate gift.

      Least Favorite: Hand painted set of wine glasses, vase/jug thing and painted wine bottle diyed into a light fixture… with our monogram, can’t even donate.

    19. Favorite gift: nice new sheets. I was actually just thinking about that yesterday while changing our sheets. Getting nice ones made me want to get rid of the cheap ones we had and replace them with actually soft sheets.

      Least favorite: one of those wooden sayings that Love is the key to marriage but instead of printing the word key, a metal one was attached to the board.

    20. Best – gift cards for dinners out at fancy restaurants with notes to “continue the celebration and spend time with each other”, and a set of vintage champagne flutes with a custom “book of toasts” – it’s really just a log of of each time we use the glasses and what you drank out of them. I love looking back and seeing all the times we toasted to good news.

      Worst – Off registry items that either have our wedding date or names on them. I am very anti-monogram and anything that is personalized/monogrammed.

    21. Best: a custom art piece using our wedding invitation, done by a friend who is an award-winning graphic artist.

      Worst: used, mismatched bath towels.

    22. We’ve been married 10 years. I use the knife set off our registry every single day. I registered for a set of china, which is uncommon these days, and we use it often. I’d never have bought it, but we are the default host for most holidays and it gets tons of use between that and grown up dinners.

      We got a couple “cash with a purpose” gifts- eg my godparents gave us $500 and told us to use it to upgrade the car for our honeymoon (we did European driving tour which included many miles on the autobahn).

      We married young and without home decor, so I actually liked getting a few misc household things that I didn’t register for, such as decorative vases and serving bowls.

      If you are getting married and asking what to register for, let me know and I’ll throw out other suggestions :-).

  2. I’ve been carrying my L&S Pearl nearly every day for over a year, and still love it. I do wish I’d chosen the saffiano leather, but it wasn’t available in the color I wanted. The napa leather is soft but doesn’t wear quite as well. That said, I’ll pick up another if/when my current one bites the dust. I can’t recommend this one enough!

    1. I also have this in the saffiano leather and I really like it. I actually prefer the softer, less structured version. You can really mush it to fit, say, a scarf in the front zip pocket.

    2. Sadly my pearl bit the dust after about a year (the strap broke). I was disappointed in it giving out so quickly for the price.

  3. Agree with the posters above: I LOVE MY PEARL. I have the black napa. it has worn reasonably well considering the soft leather. zips, stitches, liner are in perfect condition. been using this for 2+ years and all its needed is a bit of leather oil every 6 months or so. i’ve taken it to travel, on a regular weekend, and casual dinners. i am a huge fan.

  4. Agree – love this bag. So worth it — I’ve had it for several years and use it regularly. It’s the perfect cell phone, wallet, sunglasses and small amount of make-up size. The key attachment is so useful.

    1. I guess I’ll dissent. I find that it’s not that useful unless you’re good at really using all those little compartments. I guess I’m just not that organized so it ends up not being that great for me.

      1. Same here. Maybe I bought the wrong leather, but I have a tan one with gold hardware and I think it looks cheap – the leather looks like plastic and the logo is large. I want to be a fan, but this one is a nope for me.

  5. Looking at the awesome organized bag in the video on their site I started wondering if there are creative ways to organize the crossbody I already own. I paid quite a bit of money for it (T0ry B chelsea) and I definitely do not need another bag in my life. I bought a organizer insert for my totes/work bags but must admit I use it less than I thought I would. So essentially my question is how best can I copy the amazing insides of this without buying yet another thing?

  6. I have an Akris Alex bag in perfect condition, but I honestly didn’t get as much use out of it as I thought I would. I think I’ve used it fewer than a dozen times in the last 5 years. What’s my best option for reselling it? I think it was a ~1K bag when I bought it on sale, so I wouldn’t mind getting maybe a couple of hundred bucks for it (if that’s even reasonable). Or should I just keep it around and maybe it’ll grow on me?

    1. That’s a really lovely bag – what size and what colour? Maybe someone here would like it…

      1. very tempting to me honestly….OP if its still for sale can you link to the version you have? or describe size/leather type/color more? I might be interested for the right price!

  7. Any advice on how to style these pants for an interview? I’ll feel more comfortable if I don’t tuck in my shirt. My initial thought was a black shell with a grey cardigan over it, with black patent letter pointed toe flats. Any other ideas?

    Thanks in advance!

    https://www.loft.com/petite-trousers-in-button-pocket-tweed-in-julie-fit/451559?skuId=23908635&defaultColor=0473&prodId=451559&currency=usd&CID=PLA_BRD_G_LT_Petite%7cLT-G-PLA-Petite-Pants-PLA&gclid=CjwKCAjwu5veBRBBEiwAFTqDwUUgH-nROzAH-O0xC4WTWkXrp4hOVWeZTVFjK7aCGaRaSEN7jhN67hoCyuwQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

  8. All those who expressed interest in the Boston area meet up yesterday, plz email me at ruthbaderg on the G00gle address please and I’ll be happy to coordinate date and location. My reply yesterday didn’t make through moderation and I’m hoping I can get through this time by being sufficiently indirect about how to reach me!

  9. I am planning a mid-week trip to L.A. next week. I am tagging along on my partner’s work conference, so my evenings will be busy but my days are open (and alone). I am planning to get tickets to see the Broad and am considering visiting a Korean day spa. What else would you wise ladies suggest I do with my free time? Any recommendations for good brunch spots near the Staples Center?

    On a related note, what are people wearing in L.A. this time of year? I am from Denver, so I’ve been wearing opaque black tights and big sweaters for weeks now. But it’s 85 degrees in L.A. today! Should I bring tights at all? Wear pants? I want to look cute, but not freeze.

    1. Definitely do the Korean Day Spa! I like Natura Spa on Wilshire (don’t let the outside of the building scare you — the spa is divine). My current fave brunch spot downtown is Redbird, so named because it used to house the Catholic Cardinals when they came to town.

      It’s warm in the daytime but it’s been chilly (mid 50s at night) so tights at night would be good. No tights in the daytime probably. I’m wearing ankle pants and a lightweight sweater and jacket today.

    3. No specific recommendations for things to do except LACMA or other museums you might be into

      I have been wearing my summer clothes with a scarf or a light jacket which is easy to take on and off. Like Senior Attorney said, it’s cooler in the mornings and at night but hot during the day.

      Today I have on a pencil skirt with no tights but wore a scarf on my way to work that I will pull out again during the night. I would swap for pants if I planned on walking around at night though

    4. Working from home/coffee shop today… Wearing destroyed jeans, black tank top, flip flops, and sunglasses.

      If I were you, I’d go to Manhattan or Hermosa Beach for the day. Maybe rent a bike and ride on the Strand (beach path). You’d probably need to Uber/Lyft there, but it’s worth it. (This is the main thing I do with anyone from out of town).

      Another option would be to check out some of the neighborhoods… Larchmont village, Pasadena, Culver City (Sony lot tour is an activity here), Venice.

      I would also look into any architecture tours.

      1. Sample sales!! The last Friday of the month, the New Mart (9th & Los Angeles St.), and the California Mart (across the street from the New Mart) have sample sales. It helps to 1) bring cash for payments, 2) be comfortable changing in front of others or wear a camisole and leggings for modesty, 3) bring an open mind. You never know what gems you can find! I’d say that I’ve been able to find great deals on winter clothes, like cashmere sweaters for $30-50, because most of the locals have little use for them. Also, bargainsla.com has lists of sales throughout the metro area.

  10. I posted late on yesterday’s afternoon post as I was struggling to word my thoughts. Thanks for the responses.

    Re-posting here for any other advice.

    I posted some weeks ago about my DH having unexpectedly caught me gardening on my own. Since then we’ve had several talks, and some good things have come out of it (maybe some less good, too).

    Pluses: It has helped us talk more frankly about our gardening needs. I have said about what I like and dislike. Some of this (especially the dislike bit) has come as a complete surprise to him (after 10+ years!). I thought it was obvious when I physically stopped you/moved you to a different area every time you have started doing this. Apparently the message was not received! He has said about feeling rejected when I have said no and asked me to use different language that will soften the blow. I have also shared that I’d like to change it up sometimes, he is happy to try other stuff though maybe baby steps.

    Minuses: DH has identified via googling that ‘women tend to self garden because they are not satisfied in their gardening lives’. This has made him feel hurt in that he was not meeting my needs (not true in terms of quantity at all, if anything I am super exhausted in our working lives and with our young kids and I’d like to have less not more!).
    But he has overcompensated by trying to go overboard in having all of the awesomest gardening ever and wanting me to be over the moon and wanting to make sure I am super satisfied – sometimes in a misdirected way like trying for multiple o’s for me when I am not feeling it. Also DH feels a bit more needy right now, so I have to reassure a little bit that he is still needed and wanted. I think he understands that but the reassurance is good to have. Staying up late and having all these talks about it are super tiring for me and I almost want to have less of it, not more, after these talks because it’s way past my usual sleep time already and the emotional content of these talks exhausts me.

    On the general relationship, I have no complaints. A kind and generous partner, considerate and loving, really enjoying talking with and being with him, super involved dad, really shoulders a lot of responsibility of the household, etc.
    So I know I should weather through this period where we are hyper focused on gardening and emotions and having talks, because the shock of seeing me doing that I think was a big blow to him and we are still coming to terms with it.
    I also feel that this emotional period for him may have started slightly before I was caught in the act, and is so out of character that I wonder if there are other issues at play. Lack of exercise, or sleep deprivation, or midlife crisis (if it were me I know it would be hormonal! I am very emotional at a time of the month, it feels like that, except it hasn’t happened in 10 years) – I suggested a visit to the doc to rule out other issues but he demurred.

    Not sure what my question is, just wanted to say thank you for the support, and continued advice welcome.

    1. Self gardening can be good, but you can only do so much with gardening tools and your hand. Part of the fun is the element of a second person doing things that are new, different and unexpected. That is what makes the fantasy so much better then predictable reality. When you see the old Chanel commercials on TV, you will know exactly what I mean and why the woman there is capable of achieving the “big O” all on her own, through envisioning the fantasy! YAY Chanel!!!!!!!

    2. I would maybe suggest to your husband that he look into therapy for what sounds to me like a self-esteem issue. You have told him that your self-gardening is not about not being satisfied with him, and it sounds like you’ve done it ad nauseam, but he’s not believing you. Maybe talking to someone about this would help him get to a place where he can believe you.

    3. This sounds exhausting. He feels rejected because you WERE unhappy (you’re brushing it off, but he wasn’t meeting your needs, and still isn’t) and also may be feeling a bit . . betrayed? . . . because you were not telling him (pro tip: never expect someone to read your mind or body signals. Use words)

      BTW, you didn’t do anything wrong, but it seems like you feel like you did – your words give you away. “Caught in the act. . . ”

      Maybe couples therapy is in order if this continues.

    4. “DH has identified via googling that ‘women tend to self garden because they are not satisfied in their gardening lives’”

      YIKES. But, of course he has. It is so tempting to feed one’s own anxiety via comments from internet strangers instead of relying on one’s own rational mind and experiences grounded in reality. A weird trap we all sink into sometimes. FWIW, there’s also lots of (true, IME) commentary out there on the interwebs that self and partner gardening are simply two totally separate experiences and do not correlate with satisfaction. There’s also women like me, who self-garden MORE frequently when I’m having good partner gardening, because I’ve got a lot of good memories floating around, and more s3x amps up my libido. Tell him about people like me!

      I feel like it’s not super uncommon for guys to struggle with this in their late teens or early 20s when they’re still figuring out s3xuality and what it’s like to have a partner. Therapy may help him get over this hurdle faster, which he needs to do. I think his feelings are understandable even though they are not grounded in truth (he’s not satisfying you), but he needs to do the work to move on. For his sake, and yours, because it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling exhausted by it. It’s hard work to take that much responsibility for someone else’s emotions/ego. A neutral, third-party source could help. Continued good luck!!

    5. Wow. I would have no patience whatsoever for him insisting that what he read online is true over what you are telling him. I recommend you be completely blunt with him, if you haven’t already, and tell him in no uncertain terms that is not the case – you self garden, and it has nothing to do with him or your satisfaction with him. If he continues to insist that what he read on the internet is true and what you are telling him is not, well … that’s a Problem. And all the reassurance, through even more gardening as a couple, sounds exhausting to me at best and very manipulative to me at worst. Just … yikes.

      I know it gets thrown around here all the time, but I really think therapy might be in order here. I think this is more a him problem that a you problem, but a (gardening positive) couples counselor could help you both navigate this.

    6. To add a couple things:
      – DH is going through an emotional phase and yes appears bad at self-soothing at this moment. But this is not at all true of him during our long history together (has never been emotionally needy, very balanced and giving more than needing to receive emotional support). This is why I wonder if it’s caused by some other factor (hormonal changes for men?).
      – I think the crux of the matter that he’s struggling with is why I need to self-garden and what (if anything) that says about our relationship. I am not very clear on this point myself: I have self-gardened occasionally through much of my adult life and I don’t know what it correlates with. I don’t think it is related to the quantity or quality of overall gardening activity.
      The combination of a rejection on mutual gardening (which sometimes happens when I’m too tired!) plus a realization that I am self gardening makes him feel hurt. I don’t know how to reason out that these two are not related things.
      – It is not about being controlling, nobody is forcing anything and I absolutely do not do anything I don’t want to. It’s more around having conversations to get to a mutual understanding place.

      1. Gently, OP, because I know this is hard – but have you just asked him flat out if he does it alone (I loathe the gardening metaphor)? Because he absolutely does. So maybe you can use that as a springboard to point out how it is totally different and that you know it is not a rejection of you as a bed partner.

        1. Exactly.

          “The combination of a rejection on mutual gardening (which sometimes happens when I’m too tired!) plus a realization that I am self gardening makes him feel hurt. I don’t know how to reason out that these two are not related things.”

          You cannot talk your way into his understanding if he does not let go of his interpretation. I get that it feels like no one is forcing anything, but his unwillingness/inability to let go of his death grip on his reaction to the self-gardening surprise does come across as a type of control.

          Does it feel like you are circling the issue over and over? If so, this is time for a break. He needs to sit with the new information for awhile and take a break from this intensity around this. It’s not sustainable! He needs to back it up and relax his hold on this issue.

          Can you take at least a weekend off from discussions?

          Or, if he does not agree to a break, can you agree to continue the discussions only if he gets some counseling on his own? And not to google this issue anymore? The internet just fans the flames.

          1. One more thing. This sounds like a case of “I feel out of control in other areas of my life, but this is where I am going to express all that discomfort and angst” on your DH’s part. “Solving” the issue of your intimacy is the easiest place to put his distress because he can characterize it as a you thing or a we thing, instead of a him thing.
            In other words, he is creating an issue that really isn’t a problem, but is an outlet for his difficult emotions that you are now blamed for and tasked with resolving. Have seen this behavior around a similar issue, and the more you feed the behavior the deeper entrenched it gets.

          2. I agree with this. You cannot reason with somebody who is being unreasonable. He is being super unreasonable and it is clear that you are trying to help him reason through this, but I think there is literally no amount of discussion that will completely set his mind at ease on this right now. You both need to completely shift the way you are talking about this, with the help of a therapist.

    7. Well, to add to the above suggestions … maybe you should take a break from addressing this. I don’t think this would have been a problem for most people/your partner seems unreasonable here and like he isn’t listening to you. But I’m also not sure why you are entertaining this so much — long talks, sex you don’t want, etc. Tell him firmly that self-gardening is normal, and you want your mutual gardening to go back to normal without all the worries on both sides.

      THEN I think you request that you take a break from focusing on this “problem,” including cutting out the talks and stopping the mutual gardening. Really take a break for a month or two or longer. Set a firm deadline to talk and discuss next steps and the possibility of resuming activities so that there is no pressure until that date! It sounds like your perspectives are both skewed and getting a little distance from this would help. Once you have that distance, you can see if that has changed either of your viewpoints, what you want to say to him, what your willing to tolerate, and whether you want to suggest couple’s counseling, or counseling for just him, or reading a book together, or resuming activities and never speaking of self-gardening again or whatever.

      Please stop torturing yourself nightly with this nonsense. What you’re doing now isn’t working so put a stop to it, take a true break, regroup, and try again.

    8. You should talk to him about what he thinks satisfaction means to you and what it means for him to be satisfied. Then talk about what you want and what you thought he liked and wanted.

      You can’t run a relationship based on what hypothetical third parties think it should be like, or what you should want.

  11. Also love my Pearl! I got the black saffiano and am RIDICULOUSLY happy with it. Great size, holds up beautifully, get lots of compliments… no complaints. If it wasn’t so expensive I’d have gotten a second one by now.

  12. Has anyone traveled to Jordan? I’m going for about a week in late fall/early winter – would love recommendations for hotels, sites, etc. from anyone who has traveled in the country!

    1. My colleague and her husband went last fall. They saw Petra and went scuba diving in the Red Sea but that’s about all I can tell you. They said they felt very safe and never had any problems, fwiw.

    2. No, but if you go, please report back because I’ve desperately wanted to go to Petra ever since I was a kid and saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and then saw a National Geographic article about it (because this was before the age of just looking up everything on the internet and I couldn’t figure out where it was after I saw the movie!)

      1. I’ve been more than once, go!!! You will not regret it. And honestly go now while it’s safe, there is a lot of complex political stuff looming in Jordan and it may not be as stable as it is in another decade or so (obviously this stuff is hard to predict but I never made it to Damascus….)

    3. I went last year with my family and loved it so much. If I were to do it again, I would stick to the Dead Sea and Petra and skip Amman altogether.

      Bring comfy shoes (I would do lightweight sneakers because lots of walking, but also its super hot). Especially in Petra – it’s a ton of walking/exploring so may be worthwhile to split into 2 days.

      I went in August which was a terrible idea because it was unbearably hot but I’m assuming it’ll be hot but not as stifling in the fall.

      Re hotels:

      Dead Sea – the Movenpick was gorgeous, and relatively reasonably priced.
      Petra – we stayed at the Marriott which is maybe a 10 min drive from the old city. I actually really liked this because you feel like you get away from the super touristy stuff (like it’s a bit removed, but obviously still has tourists) and also had the most beautiful sunset views I had ever seen.

      Have a great time!

    4. Careful in the valleys! flash floods can come on super suddenly and be dangerous so pay attention to warnings. Petra is worth 2 days if you have the time. don’t skip Wadi Rum – stay in a bedouin run tent and spend a day being driven around the sand dunes in a jeep, rock climbing there is amazing if you’re into it. Amman is boring and skippable, the Geneva/DC of the middle east. Dead sea mud is everything and more than its cracked up to be. Smother yourself in it. Bring cheap hiking shoes you can throw out at the end of the trip, or can wash/bring home in a plastic bag and don’t care about staining. I have tevas that are still red from hiking in Wadi Rum and Petra 5+ years ago despite being washed a ton and worn in heavy rain. Have fun its a beautiful country!!!

    5. For those who went, how did you get there? I have tons of Delta points, but the only option is to fly Saudia with a stop in Jeddah. Has anyone done this (as a single female traveler)?

      1. Don’t go through Saudi. I’d be surprised if that’s even allowed as a transit option. Tons of airlines fly directly between NY and Amman, but if you’re using points and can’t get a direct flight, another option would be to fly to Israel and either fly or use the land border (make sure you already have a visa if you use the middle border crossing). My dad once had airline points that would only take him as far as Greece, so he did points to Athens and bought the flight between Athens and Amman. You could likely do the same from a lot of European hubs.

      2. Royal Jordanian has direct flights to Amman from NYC (and I am guessing other European hubs).

    6. I used to live there and it’s a fascinating place to visit. As the others have said, definitely hit up Petra and Wadi Rum. Petra deserves a full day, so make sure to spend two nights there. Definitely go camping with the Bedouin in Wadi Rum if you’re willing to rough it (make reservations at least 24 hours in advance as it’s highly regulated). Take a Wadi Rum jeep tour with your Bedouin guide and make sure to include the medium bridge (it’s a natural bridge). The Dead Sea is worth a dip and possibly an afternoon at the spa – maybe spend your first night at a hotel there to get over jet lag. Both the Movenpick and the Marriott have excellent spas, which gets you access to a private beach (women will not feel comfortable at a public beach, but beaches in hotels complexes are full of bikinis). I wouldn’t bother with Aqaba unless you’re using one of the hotels there as a base to see Wadi Rum.

      Other spots worth hitting on the road south are Madaba for the famous mosaics (especially St. George’s church with its mosaic map of Jerusalem) and Haret Jdoudna restaurant. Mount Nebo is nearby and also has incredible mosaics and views of the Dead Sea. My favorite off the beaten path spot is Mukawir (Machaerus in English), the ruins of a Herodian palace overlooking the Dead Sea. We used to be able to hike up and picnic there at sunset, but now there’s a guard who kicks you out at closing time.

      On the way south to Petra, hit up Kerak Castle, which is a Crusader castle and walled city. It’s used in a lot of film sets. Shobak Castle is also an option.

      Amman is a great city for expats but it’s confusing for tourists so most people skip it. However, it makes a great base to see the north of the country and has a ton of gems. There are lots of four and five star hotels around the city – Four Seasons, Marriott, Movenpick, Sheraton, Best Western, Hyatt – and prices can be very reasonable. Hit up the Roman amphitheater and wander around downtown. Make sure to get knaffeh from the Habibah in the alleyway off King Faisal Sq Street (miraculously, this little hole in the wall is on Google Maps!). Jebel Al-Weibdeh is a neighborhood on a hill above downtown with several excellent galleries (Darat al Fanun) and the National Gallery of Fine Art. Wander around Paris Square for interesting cafes. Then go over to First Circle and wander down Rainbow Street for the shops, galleries, and cafes. Make sure to hit up the Jordan River Foundation Showroom and the Wild Jordan Center. Fakhr Ed Din and Tanoureen are two of the most famous restaurants in the country and have excellent local food. If you want a proper hammam experience, reserve during women’s hours at Al Pasha Turkish Bath.

      With Amman as a base, you can visit Jerash, an ancient Roman city in the middle of a modern day city, complete with chariot races, archeological museums, and tons of Roman colonnades. Ajloun has a lovely Crusader castle and Um Qais is an ancient Roman city set above the spot where Jordan, Israel, and Syria all come together (and a great restaurant in the middle of the ruins).

      Jordan also has some excellent national parks with eco hotels. If you’re headed south on the Dead Sea highway it’s worth looking into the two options in Dana Nature Reserve.

      You’ll generally want a car to get around the country (although taxis are easy in Amman). If you’re not comfortable driving in a developing country you can hire a driver.

      Writing this has made me homesick. Have an incredible time!!

    7. Yes, two Dec ago.
      We landed in Aman but went straigh away to Dana (a natural park) for some hiking. From there we went to Petra where we stayed in a hotel just 10 meters from the entrace of the site. One day visiting the Old Petra and the mount with the tomb or Araon and another visiting Petra site (do not miss the view from the “secret” tent in the mountain in front of the “Treasure”) After that we went to Wadi Rum where we expended a day in a jeep visiting the desert and staying in an amazing desert camp. At the end we went to the Dead sea, visiting in the way Kerac and from there in a one day trip to Jerash (for me the best day of the trip).
      The hotels:
      HOTEL TILAL ALMADINA 4**** http://www.tilalalmadina.com (we only slept there)
      Wasfi Al-Tal Street, Opposite to the Car Plaza Gas
      Station. AMMAN
      HOTEL PETRA MOON 4****
      http://www.petramoonhotel.com
      Petra Visitor Center Street, 71882 Wadi Musa, Jorda
      nia
      SPACE VILLAGE LUXURY CAMP (amazing!!!)
      http://www.wadirumspacevillagecamp.com
      Desierto de Wadi Rum, Jordania
      RAMADA RESORT DEAD SEA 4****
      http://www.ramadaresortdeadsea.com

  13. How frequently do you change up the purse you carry to work? It seems that lately, I am switching purses daily and it is getting tedious.

    1. Never. I carry a black leather vertical tote every day of the year. I buy one, then when it wears out, buy another in as close a style as I can find. My current one is showing its age so I’ll probably replace it at the end of this year. The Rebecca Minkoff Stella is pretty close to my preferred style- a little unsure about the strap though.

    2. I have one purse for biking (it hooks onto my bike) and another for not biking that’s more comfortable to carry over my shoulder. Bike purse is black, other purse is camel, which goes with everything IMO.

      I used to have 5 or 6 non-bike purses that I rotated based what went best with my outfit but I just felt I wanted to be making fewer choices in the morning and sold all but the camel one on poshmark.

    3. I rotate between a few pretty regularly, and what’s helped me is having a smaller pouch for all of my stuff. I have a little pouch that carries my chapstick, gum, tampons, etc. So then all I need to do is swap out that pouch, my wallet, and my sunglasses when I want to carry a new bag. It’s pretty easy.

      2. +1 I swap out a lot. I have my wallet, a pouch of toiletries, a pouch of chargers and then the electronics to swap.

    4. Uh wow why are you changing your purse daily? I change my work bag… never. I carry a small clutch in my work bag that’s just big enough to hold my phone, wallet, and badge – for going out to lunch or coffee. I change that twice a year. I have a happy coral one for spring/summer and a gray one for fall/winter.

    5. Never, unless I want to wind up missing half my stuff. I can’t fathom switching daily. One less thing to worry about.

    8. Almost never, and never for fashion reasons. I don’t typically need to carry large stuff back and forth from work, so I carry a regular purse about the size of the Pearl. On the rare occasion I have an off-site meeting, I’ll switch to my black Kate Spade tote so I can carry my laptop, a pad of paper, and any files or materials I need. For business travel, I carry my OMG because the Kate Spade tote is pretty heavy.

    9. Generally seasonally, but I’ve been using a hot pink crossbody nylon and leather Henri Bendel for the past 18 months (I have a 14 month old). I bring a full purse back and forth to work though, and then carry my work things in a firm logoed canvas boat and tote, so YMMV. Maybe this weekend I will switch to my “fall purse” burgundy kate spade tote, but the cross body strap on that is not as sturdy and toddlers are fast.

    10. I carry a backpack to work and take my wallet with me if I go out to lunch/coffee. I don’t tend to leave the office building except for lunch/coffee so it’s easier for me to keep track of all my work stuff if I keep it in the same bag. I do keep a smallish black crossbody bag at my desk in case I need the hands free aspect of a purse but that lives at work.

    11. I carry the same work tote every day. Some weekends I switch to a darker colored tote that I’ve had for longer because I don’t want to get the light colored tote dirty at ball games etc. And then I have a smallish crossbody for going out at night. That is my entire purse collection currently in rotation.

      I keep everything really well organized in pouches etc so it is easy to switch between totes. For going out, I only carry some paper money, my ID and credit card, a lipstick, compact and comb, and my iPhone.

    12. I have about 10 bags and will carry each for a few months and then move on to something else. Daily would be a bit much for me.

  14. I’m curious – if you’re traveling with an SO who does not have precheck/global entry but you do, do you wait in the security line with them or do you go through the faster line and meet them on the other side?

    My thing is – I don’t want to unpack and repack my bags and substantially disrobe when I don’t have to. On the next trip, I’m going directly into work when we land. I have to wear a suit on the plane. I don’t want to have to take off my jacket through security and have it all rumpled up. The shoe thing is also complicated – I planned to wear comfortable pumps through the airport. I really don’t want to have to wear sneakers (w/ socks) in the airport and have a pair of pumps in my work bag so they’re at hand, and then I guess carry around the sneakers all day? I mean, this is why I pay for global entry, to avoid this headache. SO is giving me a hard time for wanting to ditch him for the first portion of our trip.

    1. I believe you can go through regular security line and still get the benefit of not taking jacket off, etc. My husband is pre-check due to his security clearance and I am not. When we travel together he waits with me and then doesn’t have to take off his shoes or unpack his bag, so I know it works in his situation.

      1. By the way I would be 100% ok with him ditching me, but he insists on waiting with me because that’s his preference.

    2. By the way I would be 100% ok with him ditching me, but he insists on waiting with me because that’s his preference.

    3. My spouse has precheck, and I don’t. I 100% want him to ditch me when we got through. It’s not like the airport security line is romantic couple time, and, if my line is long, he frequently meets me with coffee after. So. Yeah. Your SO sounds a little bit nuts.

      1. This is exactly what we do (right down to me picking up coffee). We also generally pack so I have the electronics and liquids giving him an easier trip through his security line.

        Also, just tell your husband to get pre-check or global entry. It’s worth the price.

      2. I was going to suggest exactly this. My husband has all the fast travel things now (we have clear, global entry and precheck) but when he didn’t, I’d zip through and get coffee and plane snacks. FWIW, I believe one of the government programs was a free AmEx benefit and Clear has family plans so maybe OP’s husband can just get it too.

    4. For precheck, if I buy SO’s ticket with mine, it usually gives him precheck as well (don’t have global entry). But if it doesn’t, I just meet him on the other side. He understands and is fine with this, because love means not making your significant other deal with the hassle of regular airport security if they don’t have to. :-)

      (And I don’t even hesitate for a second ditching coworkers if I’m traveling with a coworker without precheck)

    5. It depends, but going through regular checks just doesn’t seem this. . .complicated? . . .to me. I just wear the shoes I was going to wear – usually flats or pumps without socks. My jacket doesn’t really rumple. Are you complicating this?

      1. Wait so you walk through the airport… barefoot? No that’s not something most people are comfortable with.

        1. Yep! It just isn’t on my radar is a thing to worry about and it’s never caused an issue

        2. I do, and don’t think twice.

          I also dislike shoes in general… Would always be barefoot if the terrain wasn’t too sharp.

    7. Can you offer to carry some of his complicated stuff through precheck? If he got some of the benefit he might be on board more.

      1. This is what we did when for some random reason I had precheck and he didn’t recently. I went off without him but I did carry his carry-on with me.

    8. I don’t get his position at all — why would he possibly want to subject you to extra security when you can just meet him on the other side? Can he generally handle being apart from you for 20 mins or so? If so, why not for this? I can’t possibly imagine subjecting an SO to extra security just to keep me company.

    9. I can’t imagine holding it against someone if they have precheck and … use it. You’re not ditching him, you’re meeting up with him after he gets through security. Unless he’s a super nervous flier, he sounds kinda needy.

    11. Would split up mostly because, having precheck/GE, I pack accordingly — my liquid toiletries are packed away with the rest of my things rather than separate/handy, and not having to reassemble my tote thanks to laptop/Kindle extrication is delightful. SO should just suck it up and get precheck/GE!

      Though, OP, your complaints about having to wear sneakers (why? Just bring a tiny pair of socks to slip on when going through security) and “rumpling” your jacket (how? Just lay it neatly in the bin…) do seem a bit over the top.

      1. Why do we feel the need to call women over the top/dramatic/etc. for perfectly reasonable requests? This is why women don’t stand up for themselves. You even admit that you appreciate not having to reassemble your bag.

        Re the sock thing – you’re suggesting that OP take off one heel, put on one sock while balancing on one (still-heeled) foot – there’s no chairs in security! – then do the same with the other foot (albeit now not-heeled), while also unpacking her bag, putting everything in 2-3 different bins, and not getting run over by pushy people in line? That sounds like a nightmare.

        1. No show socks take only 1 hand to put on. The OP was acting as if her only alternative was dealing with lugging sneakers around if she’s uncomfortable in bare feet (FWIW I am not).

        2. I mean, you put your stuff in the bin, then put your shoes in the bin, and walk through barefoot, or lean against the counter, pick up foot out of shoe, slide sock on one foot, repeat. It’s not really that hard, most people do it every time they fly. If that’s your idea of a nightmare, your life sounds pretty darn good.

    13. Is her a nervous flyer? I am a complete mess at the airport with anxiety and so would absolutely want my husband to stay with me in line in those circumstances because having someone to talk to helps distract me. Otherwise, totally reasonable to just meet him on the other side of security.

      1. To be fair, not everyone can.

        My friends who are here on h1-b visas, or have a have a ‘minor’ item on their record (e.g., DUI… not that I think it is trivial, but surprised it is a barrier to pre-check), cannot get it.

    15. When I’m traveling alone with SO, no kids, it’s usually a somewhat romantical thing, and while I’d be fine if he insisted on going through ahead, I’d be like, really, is waiting in line that bad? I actually don’t think either side is unreasonable in this case, and it’s just such a minor inconvenience either way, the bigger deal is if it’s a big deal to one of you and who it matters more to, and who is willing to compromise. I think if you go into it acknowledging, it’s a small thing but when you’re doing business travel it really throws you off track, and makes you out of sorts, and that you are glad he is with you and aren’t trying to ditch him, it might ease the road a bit? Because it really isn’t that big a deal to take off your shoes and jacket, the bigger deal is why it bothers you to do it.

    16. I keep him company in line if it’s long. I enjoy his company more than staring at my phone waiting for him. But if I had work to do or had to pee I’d go through precheck and take the carry on.

  15. Anyone have a cross-body purse that they love similar to the Pearl but at a lower price point? I had and loved the Pearl, but it broke and I can’t bring myself to spend $250 on it again. (Also I know people say that L&S has good customer service and generally suggest reaching out when things break, but mine broke 2 years ago so I missed the boat on that).

    2. I have the Vince Camuto Gally crossobody bag. It has several different compartments, and it’s held up very well to all my travels. Highly recommend.

  16. I know we talk about London a lot…but does anyone have a rec for a reasonably-priced (sub $250/night, ideally in the $200 range), centrally-located London hotel?

    1. I’m staying at the CitizenM in Shoreditch. Not sure if that is central enough for you, but the price was reasonable. It’s a smaller room, but the bed is large and comfortable. I also always appreciate hard surface floors in hotels versus carpet. Makes it feel cleaner.

  17. 3 months ago I struck up a conversation with someone off a dating app. I am based in the US and he lives overseas in a country I had planned on visiting. This was a trip I had planned and booked before we even started talking, btw.
    Anyway we have chat everyday since and I was really looking forward to our meeting. I thought the feeling was reciprocated as he would often talk about all the things he had planned for us when I got here. Well I am here now and he texted me immediately upon my arrival and expressed his excitement that I was finally here.
    Im sure you know where this is going next…

    Its been over a week since I last heard from him. Before, it wouldnt take more than an hour for him to respond to my texts. The one text I had sent him 2 days ago (“Hey, when can we see each other?”) remains unread.

    Ive been here 2 weeks and am flying out tomorrow. I have had a full schedule so I havent exactly been pining away in my hotel room waiting to hear from him but it still sucks. I feel so, so stupid. I had packed my suitcase to the brim with cute oufits I had planned on wearing for our dates.
    He had been candid about his personal life (divorcee with full custody of 5 kids) and he even texted me his home address here and had invited me to visit him at his place of employment.
    I am just confused by this turn of events.

    I guess there is no rhyme or reason to ghosting but I still feel foolish and embarrassed.

    1. People suck. It’s not you, and don’t feel foolish, you didn’t do anything wrong or stupid. Hugs.

    2. That’s just weird. Just think about the issues this person must have going on in his life to treat you like a pen pal, get you excited, basically lie to you, and bail at the last minute. That’s a him problem, not you. It still sucks and doesn’t feel good. I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip.

    3. I think some people just really like to play make believe, and may even have the best of intentions, but either can’t or don’t want to make the transition from pretend to reality. I know lots of women (myself included) who’ve had generally similar experiences. It might help to reframe what you’re feeling as disappointment rather than embarrassment – you hoped for something and you’re disappointed it didn’t work out, but there’s nothing wrong or shameful about having been hopeful.

    4. I’m so sorry. If it helps, consider it a bullet dodged. Anyone who would treat you like this is not somebody you’d want to be with in the long run. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Hugs.

  18. 3 months ago I struck up a conversation with someone off a dating app. I am based in the US and he lives overseas in a country I had planned on visiting. This was a trip I had planned and booked before we even started talking, btw.
    Anyway we have chat everyday since and I was really looking forward to our meeting. I thought the feeling was reciprocated as he would often talk about all the things he had planned for us when I got here. Well I am here now and he texted me immediately upon my arrival and expressed his excitement that I was finally here.
    Im sure you know where this is going next…

    Its been over a week since I last heard from him. Before, it wouldnt take more than an hour for him to respond to my texts. The one text I had sent him 2 days ago (“Hey, when can we see each other?”) remains unread.

    Ive been here 2 weeks and am flying out tomorrow. I have had a full schedule so I havent exactly been pining away in my hotel room waiting to hear from him but it still sucks. I feel so, so stupid. I had packed my suitcase to the brim with cute oufits I had planned on wearing for our dates.
    He had been candid about his personal life (divorcee with full custody of 5 kids) and he even texted me his home address here and had invited me to visit him at his place of employment.
    I am just confused by this turn of events.

    I guess there is no rhyme or reason to ghosting but I still feel foolish and embarrassed.

  19. I was picking something up from a friend and overshot her driveway by about 10 feet. I didn’t check my mirror (I swear I did but obviously i didn’t), and backed up to back into her driveway. And hit the car that had pulled down her street behind me.

    This is my fault, right? I told the other driver I’d pay for the damage (outside insurance) and he has been SO INSANELY NICE about the whole thing that I started second guessing that it was my fault. I’m in Boston and we’re all jerks here, so perhaps it’s clouding my view of things? I mean…my car was backing up the street. He was either driving or stopped waiting to see what I was going and I went backward.

    Are there actually just genuinely nice people? He comparison shopped for the best deal on the work, has a friend bribing him to the place so he doesn’t need to rent a car (i offered to pay for the rental and when he refused I offered to at least uber or cab him to/from the shop), he’s been nothing but extremely friendly and polite the entire time. I live in a very wealthy town and drive a luxury car, so I don’t think he is under the impression that it’s a financial hardship (and luckily it’s only $500 and luckily it is NOT a financial hardship).

    FWIW I’m a boring mid 40s mom that had 3 kids in the car, unshowered and in grubby clothes when the accident happened and he is a very attractive 20 something so there are no flirty dynamics at play.

    Is there any way I can thank him for not being a jerk without making things weird? Or maybe just pass along the karma? (Maybe this makes up for the car accident my DH was in 5 years ago that the person is STILL hounding my ins company about even though it was no-fault and there was minimal damage but they are looking for a meal ticket and have all sorts of preposterous claims…)

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