Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Merino Wool Caryn Cardigan Sweater

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1. Happy Friday! Headed to London this week and can’t figure out whether I need a trench coat or a heavier wool coat. Any tips?

   1. Trench, if you run cold maybe carry an extra light layer with you. Looks like it’s 60, you’ll get too warm walking around and going between indoors and out in a heavier coat.

   2. It’s pretty cold today, but I’m not a good judge because I’m always cold! I would say trench coat but with layers, it can get pretty cold at night especially!

2. I just bought the featured J.Crew sweaters in 4 colors, and I really like them! They are comfortable, and fit me well. Not very thick, but a nice light wool cardigan. I’ve tried washing (delicate cycle with Woolite) and had no issues.
   I also have the linked Lord & Taylor merino sweater in several colors and would say it’s just a bit warmer than the J.Crew, but definitely didn’t hold up as well in the wash so I need to dry clean. However, with dry cleaning, they’ve lasted me several years in excellent condition.
   As an FYI to plus size ladies, I typically wear a 2X and the XXL J.Crew sweater fits me well.

   1. I bought a few of these JCF sweaters last year and they’ve held up surprisingly well!! I wish they came in brighter colors, but that’s my only issue. I machine wash on wool/hand wash cycle and lay flat to dry and mine look great still.

3. Favorite pea soup recipes? Open to European style or American.

   1. Bob’s Red Mill has a good recipe.

   2. Ina Garten’s split pea soup – I think she calls it Parker’s split pea. I make it without the ham because I’m vegetarian, and it’s still fantastic. I could eat the entire pot.

   3. I just use the recipe from the Goya bag. Peas, carrots, onion, celery, broth and I substitute sweet Italian turkey sausage for ham. Sometimes cut the sausage after it’s cooked, sometimes blend it into the soup after it’s cooked. Love my immersion blender for pea soup!

   4. In the Kosher foods aisle, I pick up a bag of pea soup mix and then add turkey bacon to it. Very yummy!

   5. Trade Joe’s sells packets of split peas, and the accompanying recipe is terrific. Extra bacon of course. It comes out a really thick, stick-to-your-ribs soup.

   6. Mmm I love green pea soup (not split pea) and I like just about any recipe but there’s a good one on chowhoud if you google green pea soup.

      Also not that you asked but there’s a really great mushroom soup recipe on smitten kitchen (the Balthazar mushroom soup adaptation)

4. My ex was almost perfect for me with one major dealbreaker. He had every great quality I could have hoped for in a way that aligned with me perfectly…but I had to break up with him because he was mean to me when he was drunk. It really sucked but had to be done.

   Now I’m trying to date again and it feels like no one is measuring up. I’m meeting guys now who might be great in a completely different way but I can’t stop thinking about how they don’t have XYZ amazingness like my ex, who was really special and fantastic other than this one terrible thing. He was exactly what I wanted and made me so happy in a way that no previous relationship has. Now that I know what that feels like, I can’t feel excited about these men whose only crime is not being just as good as my ex at every awesome thing about him. (Of course I am comparing them to an idealized version of him that wasn’t a mean drunk, which isn’t quite a fair comparison.)

   I know I need to get out of this mindset but I don’t know how. Any advice? :(

   1. I think it just takes time

      1. Instead of thinking he had one flaw … think of it as a bigger problem. Obviously, it was a dealbreaker, so no small thing. When you idealize him, stop yourself, and tell yourself “he was mean” not mean sometimes, but a mean person. Tell yourself, he didn’t prioritize me or think it was important to be nice to me (he didn’t stop being mean/stop drinking). Say he was fundamentally unkind. View this dealbreaker as the dealbreaker it was. Pick one short way to sum up the real problem of why you broke up, exaggerate if necessary, and don’t let yourself go down the path of thinking about his good qualities because he had this overwhelming bad quality that so obviously cancels them out. Use this brief negative remark to immediately shut down your thoughts when you start to miss him/compare. The terrible thing overshadows everything else and cancels it out.

   2. In my experience, the answer is just time.

      To make it go faster, I would encourage you to interrupt yourself: “aw, this dude doesn’t tell jokes like X — no wait, self, I’m not dating him any more for good reasons, and I’m not going to let comparison be the thief of joy!”

      If it helps, this internet stranger is proud of you for doing the hard thing and getting out of that relationship.

   3. You just haven’t met the right one yet. I know this is really hard, but drinking brings out people’s truth. He wasn’t awesome, because underneath his facade was this dude who had these mean feelings inside and didn’t respect you – and good on you for breaking up with him. You rock! You deserve and will find a great guy who treats you well, let yourself feel the feelings, but try not to compare, as hard as it is. Sometimes what we think we want isn’t at all what we actually need, let the good guys in and one of them will surprise you.

      1. This. My dad drank a lot when my brother and I were little because we were in an Asian country with Asian afterwork drink party culture. But he never bothered any of us when he got home. I can hardly even remember that he used to drink, except when I visited my uncle who still lives there and was reminded of that culture. My drunk uncle also petted my head like I was still five and gave me pocket money. Men don’t have to be mean drunks. They’re only mean because that’s who they are deep down inside. He’s definitely not awesome. The sober moments are fake.

   4. Whenever you catch yourself comparing them to him, mentally reset and compare them to the mean drunk version. Because the non-mean drunk person is not actually a live human being who exists. You’re comparing actual guys to a total fantasy, of course it’s impossible for them to measure up.

      A mean drunk is truly awful. He’s an awful guy, period. Don’t miss out on a good guy by comparing good guys to a non-existent person.

   5. How long has it been since you broke up with the ex? It sounds to me like you’re still stuck on him, and maybe it hasn’t been long enough and you’re not really ready to date.

      1. Yes, you sound alot like me, b/c my ex was also a schlub when he was drunk. You must just forget about him and not compare others to him. I know I made the right decision, and I bet you do too. But you must just remember that you did a GOOD thing by DTMFA before you married him and/or got impregnated by his drunken arse. You are free now to find a decent man (as am I). Grandma Leyeh swears there is a decent guy for me out there. You just have to be open to find him. You must remember that all men are not good or bad; you just have to find one that fits you! YAY!!!!!

   6. I’m also liberal with some non-typical views, the biggest of which is that I grew up with a country with a large roma population (note: not Romania) and as such have some trouble feeling warm and fuzzy about a group that frequently forces woman and children into mendacity and theft, which has caused some friction with certain leftist groups. I’m also an abortion for you, not for me kind of person.

      1. I would encourage you to learn more about the history of the Roma in Europe – some universities offer classes and will allow you to audit them.

         Their exclusion from mainstream society for generations and their victimization during the Holocaust have significantly impacted their current situation. They were enslaved in Romania until the 1870s. They face horrible discrimination throughout Europe to this day.

      2. I’d encourage you to learn more about how sedentists have discriminated against itinerant peoples, peripatetic minorities, and nomads throughout history.

   7. So… I get where you’re coming from. I had an ex boyfriend 5-6 years ago who was perfect in every way, except he had a hard time with our relationship, cheated on me and married someone else within months of our breakup. I totally get the feeling that no one measures up. I’ve probably been on 75 other first dates and I’ve been in other relationships with great guys since then but I’ve never had that same feeling as I did.

      I also believe that maybe I’m not looking for that feeling anymore. I believe that I still haven’t met the right one and that’s why I’m holding on to this ex and inflating his good qualities in my head, while trying to downplay the terrible way he treated me.

      It does start to get better with time and putting yourself out there a bit more, and being open to different types of people. No real advice but commiseration for sure.

      Hugs – it is hard.

      1. Yes, you sound alot like me, b/c my ex was also a schlub when he was drunk. You must just forget about him and not compare others to him. I know I made the right decision, and I bet you do too. But you must just remember that you did a GOOD thing by DTMFA before you married him and/or got impregnated by his drunken arse. You are free now to find a decent man (as am I). Grandma Leyeh swears there is a decent guy for me out there. You just have to be open to find him. You must remember that all men are not good or bad; you just have to find one that fits you! YAY!!!!!

   8. Sorry to sound Wayne’s World about it but — live in the now!
      “Wow, this guys makes me feel good now!” Is that true? Seems yes!
      Then add something else – I am so glad that he is a moderate drinker! I am so glad he doesn’t throw board games! I am so glad that he also likes bad puns!

      That’s 2 good things! Not a bad start, if you dig him! Next time, it’ll be three things! Who knows!

   9. Not sure why my comment did not go through.

      A good person who has problems with how s/he behaves when drunk will curtail or cease drinking. (If alcoholism is the issue, the person will make a concerted effort in this direction.)

      The booze is an excuse for the mean.

5. Do you any political views that are not what you’d expect given your overall political orientation? I had a conversation with some girlfriends about how it feels like groupthink has become the norm on certain issues, but we are (mostly) lockstep with progressivism ourselves. It was interesting to think about and I’ve found myself questioning whether I have even bothered to listen to conservative voices on major political and social issues.

   To answer the question, I’m a progressive, but I don’t think personal responsibility is a worthless concept at all. I’m also a gender-critical feminist, which means I believe gender is a system of proscribed roles and behaviors that harms women and should be abolished. Otherwise, like I said, my views are pretty lockstep.

   1. I’m one of those “abortion for you, but not for me” liberals, and I’m also a fan of personal responsibility, to the extent something’s in your control. I think it comes from practicality – while I would love to live in a world where [people can drink all they want without consequences; you can sleep with your front door unlocked; etc.], I’m practical enough to know it happens and there are steps I can take to reduce my own risk.

      1. I’m “______ for you, but not for me” about so many issues. I don’t know where that puts me except pretty moderate. I feel like I don’t fit with any political party. And I certainly don’t want to claim one in this political climate, anyway.

      2. I’m with you. I don’t think the govt has any business telling women what they can or cant do with their bodies but I also don’t think that you should generally have an abortion after 12 weeks unless there is a good reason. I’d be fine with a cut off around 15 weeks (obvious exceptions for life of the mother). To some degree I hope that medical advances will moot this whole question because people will be able to just mail order a pill to take at home so that GOP efforts to restrict access & make getting a procedure done early more difficult for some women than e.g., it would be for me will become irrelevant. To the extent that money/insurance plays a role I get that too. That’s one reason I can’t get behind any conservative platforms on this issue because to me anything that isn’t focused on prevention and support for mothers is insincere bull. I just really wish that it could be “safe legal and rare” to borrow from Bill Clinton.

         I also believe in more personal responsibility than those in my “tribe” traditionally do, including in the context of the #metoo movement. However, I do think that the safety net needs to be greatly expanded to include basic benefits like affordable child care, universal health care and paid parental leave, education, etc.

         1. +1. and I also feel pressure to keep quiet in liberal circles (even though I would consider myself liberal) because I am not 100% all-in with the extreme end of liberal ideals.

         2. Eh, I have to push back on this idea that we should scale back the deadline for abortion. Several people close to me had second trimester terminations, including one that was at the very edge of the state’s limit for timing because the diagnosis wasn’t there until the 20 wk anatomy scan. Both of these stemmed from significant fetal abnormalities that weren’t endangering mom’s life, but could be significant or even fatal to the child. These are already relatively rare so I can’t stand behind making them even more difficult by limiting the timing or forcing them to defend how they define a “good reason.”

            1. Thanks for posting this. I had to make the excuriciating decision to end one twin’s life to save my own and his brother’s. I miss my baby every single second of every single day. I never ever thought I would have an abortion, those were ‘for other people’.

               “obvious exceptions for life of the mother” – and what does something like this even mean? If my chance is 30% that I might die, is that enough or does it have to be 50-50 or 60-40? What if one doctor thinks it’s 30% chance I’ll die and other says it’s 70%? How many doctors to I have to track around seeing to be allowed to be relatively sure I won’t die? Does that change if I already have small kids who need me? But what makes my life more or less worth risking just because I’m not a mother yet?

               I trust women to make the right decision for their own lives. Abortions after the first trimester are very very rare and I don’t think women in that awful position should have to jump through hoops and risk their lives to please strangers.

            2. Yes. I am pro-choice (but anti-abortion). I used to not see any reason for abortion after 20 weeks, but a good friend chose to terminate her 22 week old fetus because they discovered it had seriously health complications and probably would not survive for more than a couple weeks after birth. Seeing her go through that was heart-breaking and eye-opening, and I fully support abortion after 20 weeks for any kind of medical reason, including saving the health (even if health falls short of “life”) of the mother or other baby.
               I’m so sorry for what you went through Anon at 11:30. Thanks for sharing your story.

            3. Thank you for this. People who do the whole “life of the mother” exception … are clearly people who don’t understand obstetrics and gynecology much. What level of certainty of endangering the mother’s life do we need to wait for before it’s acceptable to them? Does she have to be in the hospital about to expire? Does she actually need to experience Complication X or just be at high risk for Complication X? What if Complication X won’t actually kill her in the moment, but it may make her future health more risky? I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP and would have a high risk of re-occurrence given my particular health situation. I don’t want to take *any* chance of that happening and would have had an abortion with a future pregnancy. (I took permanent sterilization measures, but that’s irrelevant to the hypothetical here.) Did I actually have to go ahead and develop preeclampsia? Low platelets? Or stroke out?

            4. +1 to all of you above me. Saying “life of the mother” is fine and all but cannot be reasonably put into practice. Abortions after 20 weeks are *very* rare– according to the CDC, in 2014 1.3% were performed after 21 weeks.

            5. Fair enough. Push back accepted. This is why ultimately I am on the side of no or limited gov’t intervention. Those are all valid and I agree that deciding what is valid is in and of itself problematic. But I still think that we should as a society try to make it the exception and not the rule. I am not saying I have a solution.

            6. But I guess I would say, if it is 1.3% after 21 weeks….that IS the exception and not the rule. 98.7% of all abortions in the cited year were before 21 weeks. That’s the rule. one percent is an exception. This isn’t something society needs to work on making so. It already is.

            7. 1.3% sounds like the exception not the rule to me.

         3. A dot, I used to feel like you (and I still have an issue with abortion being used as birth control, and elective abortion of late term pregnancies) but I don’t know how to legislate it in a way that doesn’t end up controlling women so I just have to assume that other women know what’s best for them.

            This was brought home to me quite a while ago when I suffered miscarriages in between healthy pregnancies. I wondered if there were strict anti abortion regulations, would I not have been allowed to have the D&C to clean up the “products of conception” that remained behind? That would have risked infection and potentially my future fertility. Would my at-home miscarriage have been investigated by law enforcement? While I was grieving the loss of a wanted pregnancy would I have been interrogated.

            And now I read about women who haven’t been able to get abortion drugs from pharmacists, and both the stories I read were about women who were in the process of miscarriying pregnancies that were very much wanted.

            I also mostly read anti-choice positions from politicians who also have to thrown in a bunch of anti-woman stuff like “maybe they shouldn’t be having s3x if they don’t want to be mothers” and it just completely turns me off (because no one says “maybe they shouldn’t be having s3x I’d they don’t want to be fathers” ever)

      3. Fwiw, I know *many* liberal women, myself included, who would personally never have an abortion. If you support legal abortion, you are pro-choice. You don’t have to be pro-abortion.

         1. Exactly. For me if you aren’t pro-choice you are anti-choice, you aren’t pro-life like the term claims itself to be. I’m not advocating abortion, I’m advocating for the right to choose.

         2. Absolutely. Like you can support same-s3x marriage without being interested in it yourself. It’s about people’s rights to do things, not your individual likelihood of doing them.

         3. I’m the original commenter, and I do agree about it being safe, legal, and rare. I’m pro-choice, but sorry to say, I will judge you if you’ve had multiple abortions or something very late stage. I guess that circles back to the personal responsibility bias.

            1. I wish for you that you never had to suffer through the horror of losing your baby when having to have a late stage abortion and then knowing that strangers judge you for wanting to not die with your baby.

               And because of views like this, many women can’t be open about what they have gone through. In my support group, there are at least two women where only their husbands know. They told their immediate families that they lost their babies and not about the specifics of the medical situation requiring a decision to terminate. Women are suffering because people judge them for making horribly difficult decisions. I sincerely hope you never have to walk in our very lonely shoes.

            2. What a load of BS to categorize a women as “personally responsible” for whatever led her to a late stage abortion. Or multiple abortions. Or whatever her personal circumstances are that you know absolutely nothing about.

   2. I’m liberal but I’m bothered that trans women are considered women without qualification. Especially when it comes to things like affirmative action in STEM, I don’t think it’s fair that trans women are treated the same as cis women because they didn’t grow up with the same subtle “girls can’t do STEM” messages that cis women did. Affirmative action is intended to overcome the impact of those messages, so it doesn’t seem fair to me that trans women benefit.

      1. wow, no. They grew up with the exact same “women are trash” messages we all get PLUS the “YOU PERSONALLY ARE TRASH” extra bonus hatred message. Please try to get over this. Trans women are women.

         1. I’m thinking specifically of someone who identified as male untill the age of 26 and then transitioned. I absolutely support this person’s decision to identify as the gender they feel and don’t believe they should be discriminated against (and I think the bathroom bills are nonsense), but this person got a PhD in STEM while identifying as male and being treated as male and benefiting from male privilege, which can include things as simple as having a male name (eg. journal articles by male-sounding names are accepted at a much higher rate than articles by female-sounding names, there are lots of studies on this). They simply did not face the same difficulties or discrimination that female students in this field did throughout high school, college and PhD. You can have a separate category for transgender affirmative action, but it’s unfair to treat transwomen as women for all purposes.

            1. You’re taking someone you (presumably) know and making a HUGE blanket statement about an entire group. I’m just asking you, please don’t. There are plenty of stories about someone’s circumstances appearing unfair to an observer. That doesn’t mean the whole group needs to repent for one person’s misdeeds.

            2. I think if you’re talking about people born as boys who identify as female before the age of 18, which is becoming increasingly common, your argument makes a lot more sense. But in my generation (I’m 35) most people transitioned a lot later and if you didn’t grow up as a woman, it’s not the same. Even with kids who transition younger, I agree there are issues with sports though.

            3. I don’t think this person committed “misdeeds” though. People should be able to transition when they want to transition. She has never lied as far as I know and is open about the fact that she transitioned in her 20s. But people who transition later in life – which is not uncommon – simply didn’t grow up female and acting like they did is unfair.

            4. The OP asked for examples of people not falling in line with their general progressive or conservative viewpoint, not for a debate on the viewpoints themselves. This comment can be completely derailed by debating the validity of a viewpoint so let’s stop here.

            5. But overcoming childhood messages about women in stem isn’t the only reason for programs like these, but also to promote women in stem so the girls and young women of today have women to look up to. I mean, would you have the same problems with women who grew up in a country where the stereotypes about women in science are not an issue?

         2. FWIW, I agree with you 10:16 and don’t think your view is that out of the norm for 30 year old+ women.

         3. Actually, no, I didn’t grow up with any “women are trash” at all. (I’m in my early 50’s.) I went to a top university, was absolutely told I could do anything the guys could, my cohort went to medical schools, law schools, etc. I really get tired of women playing victim at times. This isn’t the era where women didn’t get jobs at law firms because the menfolks needed them more.

            1. Not so sure about that.

               I am an attorney in your cohort and I have had the experience of asking for a raise only to be asked “do you really expect us to pay you as much as a man who has a family to support?”

               Not even going to get into all the attempts at touchy feely from partners early in my career.

      2. For whatever advantages a trans woman in science might have because in her childhood she didn’t get those “girls can’t do math” messages, I am sure she has plenty of corresponding disadvantages both as a woman in science now, and, y’know, how people aren’t always great to trans women/kids.

      3. +1. This is also a big problem in women’s sports. The top two runners in the girls’ state running championships in Connecticut were transgirls (not on hormones or anything, not that that matters much) and a transwoman just won a women’s cycling championship, which has been controversial in that world.

         I’m not saying that transwomen don’t face struggles, but their struggles are not the same as women’s in school or in sport and their struggles don’t get to override women’s rights to participate in female-only sports.

         1. Right. Step back a minute. You would not be this good at this sport if you had been born a woman. Respect women. Run for your own pleasure. You aren’t a gifted female athlete you’re a man competing against women.

         2. I don’t know the answer to this either but agree that this is a big issue in sports. I hadn’t thought about the affirmative action issue.

      4. Women are an important group of people and deserve to be heard. I am not interested in writing ourselves out of the conversation by referring to “people with uteruses” or de-emphasizing vaginas because some women don’t have them. And I think only people raised male would dare to join a women’s space and demand it be redefined for their comfort instead of being thankful they are permitted at all.

         1. +1!

         2. I’ve also felt really uncomfortable with “people with uteruses” type language, but have not felt comfortable stating that in liberal groups.

            1. Yea– talk about erasure. A group that makes up over 50% of the population and has been historically discriminated against is being asked not to refer to themselves as the term that has applied to them for millennia because it would exclude an incredibly small number of people. It doesn’t seem right to me.

      5. Along these lines, I’m fairly progressive overall but really really struggle with transgender issues. Mostly because I’m self aware that it makes me uncomfortable. I’m definitely a you-do-you person, but also I know my discomfort biases opinions I hold. And, there’s always so many progressives willing to pile-on and call you a big0t if you admit you’re uncomfortable with these issues. So I never speak up IRL and my discomfort is never resolved. Similar to Anonymous at 10:16, I think there should be qualifications in certain situations. To Rainbow Hair, I definitely understand that there are corresponding disadvantages, but in particular situations, I don’t think the blanket statement that trans women struggle should apply to affirmative action that is specifically targeting messages that trans women never received.

         1. Same. I feel great empathy for transgender individuals, who I realize feel like they were born in the wrong body and are treated much worse, as a whole, than many other groups. But I can’t help feeling like there’s something gender appropriation-y about it. I’m white and I can’t decide I identify as black, because that would be cultural appropriation. I don’t really understand why gender is a more mutable characteristic than race. And no one has ever given me a good answer. Fellow liberals just yell at me and call me a bigot.

            1. I think these struggles exist with race too though. Especially for people who are mixed race.

            2. Fellow liberal here I completely sympathize and agree with your pov. You’re not alone, you friends are just too sensitive to discuss without getting to emotional.

            3. If you want to read up on this, following the responses to the transgender/transracial controversy in the feminist philosophy journal Hypatia would be a good start. There are very smart people working through these issues. I would say most start with the observation that, while race and gender are both socially constructed, they are constructed in different ways and therefore implicitly invoke different claims about belonging, ancestry, etc.

            4. Thank you Sarabeth, I will look at this stuff.

         2. On the outside, I support transgender individuals unquestioningly. On the inside though, I am still trying to reconcile some thoughts/feelings about it. Mostly, if gender is a construct/performative, how can sex be so pre-determined or so fiercely felt? I mostly land on, it’s just something I personally will never really understand, given my situation (born a woman, never felt anything in particular about that fact), which is totally fine. But I do wish I had a clearer understanding.

            1. I’m very supportive of non-binary, trans, inter, and fluid gender identities. But I think the discourse on gender has been muddled by anthropocentrism. People seem to assume that human civilization is uniquely capable of constructing gender as a political act, but humans are animals. Non-human animals who live various kinds of gender-crossed lives exist too. But you also can’t appreciate that humans are animals without appreciating the difference between male and female.

               I also think that conclusions reached from Dr. John Money’s backwards, dishonest, and abusive experiments haven’t been adequately purged from the scholarship. I was very shocked when I read about just how dishonestly he framed his research.

      6. As a white woman, I would never identify as black, apply for and celebrate my receipt of scholarships reserved for black people, speak at conferences about my experience as a transblack person, insist I am the most oppressed of all because I am both black AND trans, dress up in stereotypes associated with blacks people, and then dare to accuse black people of being hateful and bigots for not accepting my story.

         I honestly cannot see how it is different for transwomen. I have tried and tried and I can’t.

         1. I feel the exact same way. I see no difference between Rachel Dolezal and ex-Bruce Jenner and yet one is disgraced and the other given awards. And Rachel didn’t gain anything out of the ordinary by being white while ex-Bruce earned a legacy through being male, so his case seems far more hypocritical than Rachel’s. I wish I could understand this but I do not. I consider myself very socially liberal and support any choices that are not harmful to others but the public shaming or applause are beyond my understanding. I just cannot support this kind of theater and hypocrisy.

      7. Trans women may not have grown up with that same message, but what about women who grew up with very encouraging and supportive parents? Should they be an exception because their pursuit of STEM was supported? Also, trans women grow up with a whole host of issues and probably need more acceptance and support than women who are not trans.

         1. The parent thing is really not a good analogy, because even with the most supportive parents in the world, women still face an enormous amount of sexism from the outside world. I have a mom who’s a tenured biology professor, so I grew up with about as much a “yes, girls can do STEM” message as possible. I was still the only girl (or one of a couple) in all my science and math classes from 10th grade on, I still had professors tell me point blank I might want to consider more family-friendly careers, I still had boys in high school tell me science wasn’t for girls, I still had a research collaborator who sexually harassed me in grad school, etc. etc. I could give a thousand more examples. A person who has presented as male growing up and through their early academic career hasn’t had the same experiences. It’s nonsensical to think that supportive parents and a handful of supportive mentors can undo all the systemic sexism women in the sciences (and presumably other male-dominated fields) face.

            1. Yes. +1,000,000

            2. Right, and that doesn’t even address how many parents allow boys more leeway regarding staying out late, traveling far away for college or academic enrichment, or having chores that occur less frequently. My unpopular opinion is that transwomen who transition in adulthood often faced the same childhood problems faced by gender non-conforming boys. It’s telling that many gay neighborhoods are upscale, but there are fewer lesbian neighborhoods that are upscale, regarding the life outcomes of some GNC people

   3. I really don’t think most progressives think that “personal responsibility” is a worthless concept. I certainly don’t. What does that even mean? However, lots of conservatives use it as a dog whistle, which is why there might appear to be push back to the concept.

      1. + 100!!!!

      2. OP here – what I meant is that I hear ALL THE TIME from my fellow progressives that “it’s not about personal responsibility, it’s ALWAYS due to systemic problems.” It’s completely taboo to mention personal choices in some crowds.

         1. In my experience, ‘progressives’ don’t seriously exclude the reality that personal choices make a difference, although I obviously can’t say I’ve talked to every progressive. I’ve never heard “it’s ALWAYS due to systemic problems.” Progressives also acknowledge that systemic problems influence personal choices. But the fact is that conservatives bleat the phrase “take personal responsibility!!” over and over again as if to erase the role of systemic issues. My impression is that that’s where the strong reaction comes from. This is what I mean by the concept gets push back.

         2. I agree that there are some progressives who aren’t willing to talk about personal accountability almost at all. What’s interesting is that I have never met anyone who works in direct service with poor/otherwise disadvantaged people who talks this way. I think it’s easier to frame problems as 100% systemic when you yourself aren’t face to face with them every day. You can virtue-signal without having to think it all through in concrete terms.

            I’m a super liberal. I work in addiction medicine. Most of my patients are poor and have little education. Yes, they absolutely have trauma histories and all kinds of other disadvantages in life. However, they also have decisions to make. Some of these decisions affect the whole community, primarily the decision to continue driving drunk–which is still a huge focus for us despite all the buzz about opioids. I have all the compassion in the world for my patients, and my whole purpose is to help them. But I do believe in locking up people who won’t stop driving drunk and who refuse or don’t benefit from treatment. My colleagues generally agree, but my friends who don’t work in social services are often shocked when I say this. The statement “we should be treating people with addictions, not incarcerating them!” glosses over how many of them are unwilling to accept treatment, or do accept it but don’t make any personal effort to get better. And yes, a lot of this treatment is on the taxpayer dime.

            1. Thank you for sharing this and for your work.

            2. I have had to hold my tongue around upper middle class white liberals many, many times. The perspective seems to be that “we” have autonomy and the capacity for ethical decision making, but that is merely a privilege of our station. So we must look with compassion upon those whose tragic circumstances fully determine their fates and every choice they make. It’s maddening, because compassion is in short supply these days! I never want to counter it! But it feels like their compassion comes with the strings of not viewing its recipients as not fully human.

            3. It can be hard because, so often, being treated badly is bad for you. I have so much sympathy for survivors of domestic violence who lie to people because they haven’t recovered to the point of trusting anyone yet. I have panicked and overreacted and melted down when my kind and supportive partner disagreed with me in conversation while we were in the car (this is after a childhood of my father screaming at me while I was trapped as a passenger in his car while I sat stoically disassociating). When people harm you, not having been harmed isn’t one of the choices left to you. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have any choices at all.

            4. Anon at 12:12, I’m the poster above who works in addiction. YES. One of my coworkers actually mentioned this as one form of “soft bigotry of low expectations”–the idea that our patients just aren’t capable of the same things we are. It affects so many decisions in treatment and policy. I recognize that I’ve had many, many advantages in life that my patients have not. But I also don’t feel comfortable or ethical setting a low bar for their behavior. This is especially salient because so many of them have lived their whole lives with messages that they’ll never amount to much, or even be fully functional. I want to be the person who challenges that. I do feel that the patients of mine who want to get better notice and appreciate this approach.

   4. I went to school in a very liberal community and have had to bite my tongue a lot because the assumption is everyone has to think the same thing on everything. I am liberal but also data driven so don’t necessarily agree if the data doesn’t support the position of the day.

   5. I’m a liberal Democrat and I have become resentful of the younger Democrats who are newer to the process, want the party to move farther to the left, spit out “centrist” like it’s a bad word, and in my opinion, cause us to lose elections because we can’t even agree on who or what we want within our own party. We have to stop having these bitterly divisive primaries if we want to win general elections.

      When I was younger I think I would have felt being idealistic was a fine way to be, sort of like reaching for the stars, but being older has made me more pragmatic.

      1. Yes. My BI

      2. Yes. My BIL was Bernie or bust and didn’t vote for Hillary because she was “not that different than Trump.” Please! Look at what’s happened and how much better off we’d have been with a Democratic president and two (!) liberal justices. I just can’t with people who support Democratic ideals but won’t vote for moderates.

         1. It’s like cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face

      3. FWIW, I’m a younger Democrat (does 30 count as younger? but I felt the same way when I was 22) in that I am extremely progressive on a personal level–I would be comfortable identifying as a socialist, for example–but also am a ruthless pragmatist when it comes to the big picture. I’d rather support a moderate centrist who will win state-wide elections than someone who plays to the base, wins the primary, and loses the big contest.

         I am also uncomfortable with the group-think and ostracizing everyone who is not 100% ideologically pure. In academia, this comes up a lot. I remember one inclusivity training I went to where one member of the group started talking about how she was going to call out microaggressions and oppression whenever she saw it…in a training that also had older staff who had never even heard the word “microaggression” before, but that were in positions to be real change-makers for their employees. I get it! I also hate microaggressions. And yet, you’re not putting people in a receptive, learning mindset if you shut down every statement that does not meet your standard for ideological purity and call well-intentioned would-be allies bigots to their face.

         1. Micro-aggressions deserve micro-responses, in my opinion. I identify as liberal, but I am so sick and tired of the Woke Olympics that dominates discourse. “Oh, look, she used the word crazy to talk about someone! That’s hurtful to people with mental illness!” No, we ARE allowed to use words colloquially, honest, Tone-Police.

         2. +1 Personally, I’m all for a very progressive agenda. But I don’t care for this progressive or bust mindset. If a moderate is what it takes to win an election, let’s do it.

      4. +1. I considered myself a liberal for years but am frustrated with the movement of the Dem party to the left. And I don’t consider myself old— early 30s. I think I’d rather have a very moderate Republican who was great on social issues than a far left candidate who touts great sounding ideas with no workable plan to implement them, or pay for them. I’m also worried moving too far left will have big rebound effects in midterms or the next presidential race.

      5. It has occurred to me more than once that if I were a GOP strategist, one of my best moves would be to make sure the Democratic Party self destructs from within. That way we don’t really have to try as hard to win elections strictly on GOP vs Democratic Party principles and positions.

         I don’t know how much of this the GOP actually did, but I’m quite sure the answer is not zero.

         1. To be fair, the GOP is kind of self-destructing too. About 1/3 of the Republicans I know hate Trump and are voting Democratic in the midterms (even though they dislike liberal politics) because they want Congress to be a check on Trump. So. I think both parties are having huge fractures between the moderates and the extremes right now.

   6. The OP asked for examples of people not falling in line with their general progressive or conservative viewpoint, not for a debate on the viewpoints themselves. This comment can be completely derailed by debating the validity of a viewpoint so let’s not. I find it far more interesting to simply hear the outlier viewpoints than debate them. No one will share if they think they’ll be attacked.

      1. That’s a good point.

      2. Here’s my example – I am pretty much in line with most liberal / progressive standpoints, but I’m strongly for the death penalty and frankly I’m ok with it for more than just murder. Proven kidnappers? Rapists? Done. Goodbye.

         1. I have a post on this in mod. “Rehabilitation” is not an option for every kind of criminal. It just isn’t. It’s not safe to pretend that it is, and it’s the weakest and most vulnerable people who pay the price when we “compassionately” release predators back into the community. I will always have more sympathy for the victims, and, if I were a reformed predator, I would understand why I could never be put in a position to offend again. If someone doesn’t understand that, I don’t see how they’ve reformed at all.

            1. But isn’t the answer to that life in prison? That way, if someone is later found innocent, they can be released.

               Death penalty is expensive and proven not to be a deterrent. And it’s totally out of step with a modern world. Every other developed country has abolished it, recognizing that you can’t unexecuted someone if they are later proven innocent.

            2. Oh, yes, I think life in prison is the correct political solution for our circumstances. What I agree with is the idea that some people must never be placed in a position to reoffend, whatever that takes. Unfortunately some developed countries have maximum prison sentences that release very dangerous people. Even Texas has had issues because of laws that shorten sentencing based on good behavior. We just need to completely abandon the idea that prison is punitive or that people are “serving their time.” If it’s safe to let someone out of prison, they shouldn’t be in prison. If it’s not safe, then they should never be released (unless proven innocent).

         2. A lot of innocent people have died under the death penalty. We’ve shown no capability in using it effectively. Are you okay with this collateral damage?

         3. I don’t understand how you can in line with liberal and progressive standpoints on most issues and still support the death penalty in practice. Particularly when we know it is carried out in a racist manner. I can sort of understand supporting the death penalty in theory (though I do not), but in its current practice?

   7. I’m a liberal, but also fiscally conservative. In the current environment, it generally means I oppose things like tax cuts for the wealthy. But I’m also opposed to things like free college for all – I think that if you come from a wealthy family, your parents should pay tuition or that if you go straight in to a high paying job, you should have to pay off (at least some of) your student loans. For example, I grew up in poverty and went to law school. Just because I was absolutely broke during law school doesn’t mean it should be free when I immediately went in to a job paying $160k when I finished school.

   8. Progressive democrat in a lot of ways, but opposed to single payer healthcare. Our current “system” is terrible but I don’t think single payer is a good solution either.

      1. What do you want instead? Honestly curious.

      2. There are so many options. If Republicans weren’t so knee jerk anti everything Obama or Democrat, it would have been easy, even if it would have taken years to craft, to craft a government health assistance program around existing private health care structures. Easiest referenced examples are

         – Medicare/Medicaid expansion,
         – Health vouchers (similar to housing vouchers),
         – Public clinics with sliding scale costs based on income and out of pocket costs after private health insurance (or even not involving insurance – the VA is a thing that could be expanded everywhere). This is similar to the way some European nations do it with assigned regional health centers based on address and triaging care based on seriousness of the case. Waiting for care (which is a concern for a lot of people) for a mild issue is better than no care, and no one is getting turned away in an emergency.
         – Contracting public clinics for people to private providers (they seem to be ok with this with prisons, seems like a natural extension).
         – To make conservatives happy, limiting the above assistance to citizens, permanent residents, and visa holders.

         But Democrats are so glommed onto the idea of single payer and Republicans are so dedicated to making life easier for corporations and harder on their actual constituents, no one can see the forest but for the trees (End Rant).

         1. Isn’t Obamacare a total democratic compromise as it’s not single payer? I don’t think they pushed hard enough for single payer or that it was even on the table then and that we’re only hearing it now as a pushback to Trump extremists.

            1. Right? I don’t get it when people act like the Democrats have done nothing but push single payer. They have compromised constantly to try and help people get healthcare. Trump and his ilk literally DNGAF about healthcare for people.

   9. Yes! Off the top of my head:

      (1) I am adamantly pro-choice, but am annoyed by people who assume that all pro-life people just want to control women’s bodies. Partly because there is no gender difference between men and women when it comes to opinions about abortion and party because I know a lot of pro-life people who genuinely believe (wrongly in my view) that life begins at conception. (Note that I am even more annoyed by people who claim to be pro-life but oppose s*x ed in school and free birth control.)

      (2) Trans women deserve respect, but I am not going to completely change the way I use gender pronouns. Also, there are spaces and experiences that I think should be reserved for cis-women (see sports noted above). The absolutist view on this is not fair or practical. It also seems to be taking an outsized position in our political debate because it stirs up the base on both sides. (I mean seriously? How many transwomen have actually tried to go to a Korean day spa?)

      (3) “Cultural appropriation” as applied. (Prom dresses? Really?)

      (4) The emphasis on politically correct language and the virtue signaling that goes on. We had a whole discussion last week about “black” vs. “African-American” that demonstrated that perfectly. It is also really off-putting to less educated people. The Atlantic just had a really good article about that.

      With respect to the whole “personal responsibility” discussion, I can see both sides. I grew up in a community with a lot of systemic problems where a lot of people need help. Poverty, isolation, unemployment, poor education system, a rampant opioid epidemic are all systemic problems. But while alcoholism might be a genetic problem, an alcoholic has to be willing to do the heavy lifting of getting sober. It is not 100% one thing or the other. I can understand the enormous frustration of seeing millions of dollar spent and people offered numerous opportunities only to have them throw it away. I can also understanding the pain of growing up in one of those communities and how much it limits people’s abilities to see what they can do to get out. It is so much more complicated than personal responsibility/

      1. On your first point, the fact that there are female pro-lifers doesn’t mean that it’s not about wanting to control women’s bodies than people are making it out to be. Some women want to control other women’s bodies. Some women are okay with having theirs controlled in that way. (Just think about how women enforce gender roles, ex., s3x, among other women.) Sure some people really care about fetuses, but it’s a logical fallacy to pretend that control doesn’t factor into it for women.

         The question isn’t man v. woman– it’s patriarchy. Patriarchy effects men, too, although obviously not as detrimentally. Women can espouse and carry out patriarchal ideas.

         1. Nasty Women – You just perfectly demonstrated my point.

            At the risk of outing myself (and her), my sister is a professional woman with a masters degree. She is opposed to the death penalty, in favor of comprehensive s*x education, and pro-LGBT rights. She left the church we grew up in over social issues. She has every hallmark of a classic liberal. She also believes adamantly and as a matter of absolute faith that life begins at conception. I don’t agree with her; you don’t agree with her. But it is impossible to have a conversation with her about this issue without respecting that belief. People who insist that every pro-life person is espousing the patriarchy essentially dismisses her and her belief system.

            And she (and people like her) know that and they resent it.

   10. I’ve been thinking about this too. I think it’s bad for people to live in fear for their livelihood, so I like the idea of social safety nets or even basic income. I’ve spent a lot of time in the academy, where researchers who have generous stipends and job security have made discoveries that benefit everyone. (Commercial research and “publish or perish” competition, in contrast, appears to have led to fraud and replication crises.) I can’t help but wonder how creative and generous people outside of the academy would be if they felt safe and secure.

       On the other hand, I personally used to serve as a safety net for some people in my life, and one of the best decisions that ever came out of therapy for me was, frankly, cutting some people off. These people then got their lives together and are all right today, but I am not sure we could have gotten here if I had remained secretly waiting in the wings to rescue them.

       Is it possible that this can happen with impersonal social safety nets as well? Healthy people don’t abuse safety nets, but there are some people whose personality disorders make them black holes of need. Somehow we would have to help these people get well.

       I know health care workers who already feel this way about some of the ER’s so-called “frequent fliers.” Good Samaritan laws are obviously good, but I don’t think we’ve solved the problem of how they can inadvertently harm people who have an infinite emotional need to be rescued.

       I also worry that institutionalized care taking can devolve into essentially farming people for profit (think of “worst case scenario” schools, prisons, asylums, day cares, foster care, and nursing homes). We have to avoid creating incentives for exploitation whenever some people are getting paid just because someone else exists in their care.

       1. I totally agree with respect to reasonable safety nets. I’m definitely progressive in the since that society benefits generally when people aren’t sicker than they have to be because they avoided a doctor for fear of debt, when they don’t have to worry about starving in a society with an overabundance of food, and when there are options to homelessness. But I think I have similar goals and sentiments as many conservatives but would like to see them resolved in a way that is often viewed as more progressive. Examples:

          1) I think Democrats are aimless and don’t have a strong skills in adequately using public funds for the greater good, but I think Republicans don’t care about citizens only corporations by giving tax cuts and subsidies to corporations while cutting social programs to actual people.

          2) I think there should be a strong goal to get people off public assistance and sometimes they need a push to do so. But no one is going to stay on food stamps with cliff supports (ie reach a certain income and you get no support) rather than gradual ramp offs. If someone sees their efforts to work and earn more will actually get them more instead ending up net negative without public assistance, there is incentive to stay lazy. Incentivize people to work more and earn more through their own efforts rather than punish them for being on public support too long.

          3) If progressives are so concerned with people starving being kicked off public assistance roles and conservatives are so concerned about people spending government assistance wrong, why don’t we have state sponsored food pantries of specific healthy basic foods?

          4) I support harsh sentences for crimes against third persons, but it doesn’t make sense to make it impossible for someone to integrate back into society after they’ve done their time, you create serial convicts that way. Society is safer when people have less incentive to commit crimes (ie no job prospects because of discrimination against felons, probation that will put you back in jail for 5 yrs for a speeding ticket, taking away blue collar training programs and degree programs from prisons, private prisons in general who profit from career convicts)

          5) I think we’re too far into our current medical scheme to enact single payer, the health economy would crash without private insurers. But saying “if we don’t get it perfect, then we change nothing” is stupid and a terrible way to do policy. Working with the current system (ex. government vouchers for care based on income and out of pocket not covered by someone’s private insurance) while allowing the government to negotiate and cap certain health prices makes much more sense.

          1. I would let go of the concept of “lazy.” Is that really a thing? If it’s a thing, is it really a vice? I think there are people with personality disorders who exploit other people as a form of narcissistic supply. I also think there are people who “shuffle” because they know they’re being exploited. But life is very short. What are we all in it for? Some of the most unemployed and unemployable people I’ve known are also the most productive (if fixing cars, fishing, whittling, painting, caring for animals, caring for people, learning other languages, knowing everything there is to know about something, etc. count as productivity). I have met precious few “lazy” people who want to waste their lives away. I’ve met a lot of gainfully employed people who are miserable because their employment serves no purpose worthy of so much human time.

   11. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat. I’m 28, with a lot of my peers being super liberal. I’m not moderate by most people standards, but I supported Hillary, instead of Bernie. I personally believe that term limits should be set by the voting population (so no legal regulation) because I’ve seen research that this increases representation and the institutional knowledge isn’t with lobbyists. I also have zero problems with career politicians. I want someone who’s studied policy for decades, who knows what happens with x or y from personal experience. Not someone who spouts liberal talking points with no working knowledge of actually how that policy would work (or how to pay for it). This is very unpopular in my state and my circles where everyone wants an “outsider”. I don’t want a brand new attorney trying my case, I want someone with years of experience – why should the people in charge of writing our laws be any different? But I can’t bring it up or I’m part of the “institution”.

       1. The people who would accuse you of being part of the institution or, I’m guessing, not being woke enough are the people I’m talking about in my older-democrat post above. It actually gives me hope that some younger people than me hold a pragmatic viewpoint and I sincerely hope that you will become comfortable speaking up in these groups. There are probably other silent people who feel as you do.

   12. I’m noticing a lot of liberals/Democrats saying that they’re not as far left as others in their party, but I’ve seen any replies (so far) about conservatives/Republicans that aren’t as far right. Does that mean all the conservatives are ok with the anti-LGBT/racist/sexist/xenophobic/hypocritical rhetoric that has come to define their party? Or are people like that swinging left to become moderate Democrats who believe in social freedoms but are more fiscally conservative?

       1. Well, OP’s post was mostly about her own progressive views, so I think people responded to that. Also, political discussions around here are typically dominated by progressives and, honestly, are not usually kind to conservative/Republican points of view. I’m liberal, but if I weren’t, I’d still see this thread as a minefield and avoid it.

       2. This s!ite is pretty heavily majority liberal, so I think that’s what you’re seeing here.

       3. Republican reader here. The question asks what we wouldn’t admit about doubting our party… I live in a very liberal area, so I don’t have the pressure of trying to hide what GOP stuff I don’t agree with.

   13. I am way on the left side of the Democrat Party, but I really struggle with progressive views on prisons. I hate our current system, but it’s clear to me that some people are predators, and they need to be imprisoned for life for the safety of others, and this is pretty much what prison should be for. It always seems elitist to me when progressives seem to take a sort of Stephen Pinker “better angels” optimistic outlook that overlooks the possibility of an evil human being who preys on the most vulnerable. I think a more mature political philosophy has to account for this kind of criminal without handwaving or excuses or appeals to how rare this kind of crime really is.

       1. I strongly agree. Some people cannot be rehabilitated.

          1. Pedophiles, to name one group.

             1. +1

             2. As a a child sexual abuse prosecutor, I 100% agree with this. (Previously I prosecuted other violent person crimes, so same idea).

                There are a lot of people who commit violent crimes that can be helped- but we need to acknowledge that some types of people can’t be.

                Treatment is an admirable goal. And in a lot of areas, like drug related crimes, it makes a lot of sense. But there simply isn’t empirically proven data that treatment for certain categories of sex offenders is effective. Particularly child sex abusers. and they don’t stop. We prosecute multiple people in their 80’s. THEY DO NOT STOP.

             3. +1 from another child sex abuse prosecutor. I don’t hardly ever see the world in absolutes, but a pedophile is a pedophile is a pedophile, and will always be a pedophile.

             4. Yes. If someone were reformed, one of the more persuasive signs of contrition would be volunteering to stay locked up forever because of what they did! The only attempts at contrition I’ve seen are “feel sorry for me” stories that inspire no confidence at all.

                Where I live, this category of criminal is put on the sex offender list so they can only live in down market neighborhoods where the kids are less supervised and the parents have less social capital. It’s upsetting to me that this is often seen as a partisan issue between the “fearful” right and the compassionate (to criminals) left. We have got to make a distinction between criminals who had normal human motivations (jealousy, status, economic gain, competition, enmity) and criminals for whom the draw is the crime itself.

   14. Yes definitely. I pretty much always vote Democrat and that represents my overall political views. I find it extremely offensive that Republicans think the government should have a say in the most personal choices a person makes (whether to have children, use birth control, terminate a pregnancy, who to marry, etc.) and that’s a dealbreaker for me. I also believe government has an important role in protecting citizens through safety/environmental/etc. regulation.

       But I’m on the right on gun issues. I do support regulation including licensing and gun safety testing and training, but I think almost all restrictions on gun ownership should be temporary (including the prohibition on felons possessing firearms) and I disagree with almost all firearm specific prohibitions. But I’m not an NRA member and this isn’t a deciding factor in my votes.

       I also am much more fiscally conservative than the progressive wing of the Democratic Party and I hate the level of deficit spending and debt (I do believe the Democrats have been much better on financial policy than the Republicans and am completely disgusted with the current administration on trade and finances). I believe in limited interference with capitalism (this also includes restricting the level of corporate welfare in the US and government subsidies of flood insurance in high risk areas that really shouldn’t be rebuilt). I believe we should pay off our debts, that deficit spending should be reserved for emergencies, and that surpluses should be saved when the economy is booming. I do believe in universal healthcare and think the government should promote social justice.

       1. It’s funny – I’m a Republican and my problems with my own party are what you listed. A central tenet is less government interference and I strongly believe that the government should get out of all of the areas you mention in your parenthetical.

   15. This is a big secret for me since I know a lot of teachers, but I don’t really support our schools. I found school a waste of time and a bad environment to waste time in, and I believe it’s unethical to control so much of someone’s day just because the person is a minor (I shudder when I hear teachers talk about assigning long novels that they themselves believe are poorly written and unimportant, or otherwise talk casually about knowingly wasting their students’ time for curriculum reasons). I would rather we supported kids from bad home situations by getting help for their families, and I’m not really worried about the kids from good home situations.

       1. This is a real question – What are you proposing instead? That all kids are home schooled? Cause that doesn’t seem realistic, given that many kids have two parents that work and are not qualified to teach all subjects. Or would parents get time off work to teach their kids?

          If you are proposing education reform, I get it. But that doesn’t seem to be what you are saying.

          1. Maybe education reform with a wild variety of choices and lots and lots of libraries? I have to believe that parents with resources will see to it that their kids are educated. Parents without resources need help (and, yes, time to raise their children, education all aside). But socioeconomic disparities in education seem to be being reinforced by our education system right now. The kids who went to the best prep schools are often years ahead of kids who went to any but the best public schools, and kids who went to good public schools are years ahead of kids who went to bad public schools (where the teachers are not qualified to teach their subjects anyhow). But really I just had such a negative experience of school, and such a positive experience of education outside of school, that I want alternatives to be made available for every child who would benefit.

       2. My unpopular opinion is similar! I’m a fairly liberal person, as are most if not all my close friends. But I secretly think that the US public school system is kind of a bust for poor kids. I think that the teacher’s unions will always put the needs of their members ahead of those of the students. They’re unions… they’re supposed to prioritize members, it is their nature. So if we really want to help the least fortunate through education private foundations will do a much better job.

          I know sooooo many people though who act like they deserve a medal for sending their kids to public school (by living in the rich part of town or having the ability to navigate the path to a magnet program) and I just bite my tongue because I don’t want my friends to hate me.

   16. I’m not very interested in decriminalizing s*x work, even though I’m generally very much a Typical Angry Feminist.

       Also, the no plastic bags / recycle all the time everything / compost it all people drive me nuts in my very lefty city. You know what would really help the environment? Driving less and/or living in a smaller house. Or working for better industrial pollution standards. Yelling at a kid who wants a plastic straw…not so much.

       And before I stop commenting and tell the kids to get off my lawn, my parenting is a *lot* more aligned with conservatives in that I think kids need to respect authority, do chores, and not get an explanation of “why” every time they are asked to stop being disruptive. Also they don’t need to be hovered over every second or fed all-organic food.

   17. Ending literacy discrimination is at least as important as increasing literacy.

       1. How do people engage in literacy discrimination? Why is expecting literacy a bad thing?

          1. You can look this up if you are interested, but think of a job that will never require an advanced degree of literacy except to complete the job application form. Being able to read and write at the 10th grade level shouldn’t be a prerequisite unless it’s actually relevant to the work, right?

             I think it’s also important to appreciate that literacy isn’t just a gain. Oral cultures have their own advantages, and requiring literacy requires people to give something up. It would be wrong to deny anyone literacy, but it’s also wrong to punish someone who is happy without it by making it an arbitrary requirement to access so much of what makes our world go round. So we should work to increase literacy but also to end literacy discrimination.

   18. I believe that women usually need protection from men in some form (laws, etc). I held my tongue when at a left-leaning conference and 2 upper-middle class, well-educated white women had a conversation about how they needed no protection. It was especially ironic since one of them uses a wheelchair, a clear sign of vulnerability in my opinion.

       As a WOC who has visited and lived in communities where women have less protection, you don’t see women there jogging at night with headphones while wearing a sportsbra and short shorts. My community coddles criminals over victims too often in my opinion, and not turning in bad actors in to the authorities leaves them free to harm others, including women.

6. My handyman is outside right now finishing up installing the pavers in the section of (formerly) grass between the sidewalk and the street. It looks so good and sleek as opposed to before when it was overgrown and crab grassy. Why doesn’t everyone pave everything??? I’m counting my pennies to see how much of my back yard i can do…

   1. Nooooo paving over “everything” is bad for the environment!

      Obviously I’m biased since I work in environmental science, but when you pave over everything with impermeable surfaces, you are creating stormwater erosion issues that eventually compound into bigger issues like flash flooding in neighborhoods. If you live near a stream, if all the neighbors paved over their lawns, you’d start seeing more and more severe flash flooding incidents since the water can no longer percolate into the ground and causes the stream levels to rise and cause flooding.

      Also, you’re destroying habitats and food sources for wildlife that contribute into biodiversity. You may not care now, but plants and trees are good for providing shade, cleaner air, and a general sense of wellbeing.

      1. You took the bait! I’m not actually advocating for paving over literally everything but it’s sure nice in my patch of yard. I have several trees, making my entire yard pretty much always shady, so I don’t want to try to make grass grow or deal with mowing. I think I’m more environmentally responsible by doing the paving rather than, say, a chemical-heavy bermuda grass.

         1. Ok princess. You literally asked why we don’t all pave everything. Don’t stir up drama for no reason.

         2. OP: “Why doesn’t everyone pave everything??? I’m counting my pennies to see how much of my back yard i can do…”

            poster: “No, don’t pave over everything”

            OP: You took the bait!

            What?????? Ugh just stop.

            1. Paving OP here, I honestly didn’t expect someone to take “Let’s pave everything!” seriously but I apologize to those who did. I’m going to add a walkway and a back patio as well because I don’t like mowing or chemicals or, frankly, doing yard work at all really.

               Let’s all remember that we need systemic change to “save” the environment and my little 850 square foot house and bitty little yard choices are not actually going to affect anything one way or another.

      2. this. permeable surfaces are very important for Earth to function.

         Plus when you live in COLD New England like me, the pavers get frozen and thaw and freeze again and then it REALLY looks like crap when they all bust apart.

         But yes enjoy your pavers! Very exciting! I love a good, finished landscaping project. So much satisfaction.

      3. She’s using pavers. They are permeable.

         I live in drought stricken California and we’ve all been told to replace as much of our grass as possible, and pavers are one of the suggested surfaces.

         1. Not all pavers are permeable, but if she’s said she’s using permeable ones in a previous post somewhere (I think I saw it earlier in the week but only skimmed it), then my mistake.

            As for replacing grass in California – that would make sense. I live on the East Coast in an area that’s flash flooded twice in three years, wiping out our historic community. There’s been a lot of recent development in that area uphill and upstream of the flooded historic street, so I’m anti-impermeable surfaces now.

            1. Any chance it’s Ellicott City? That has been so heartbreaking to watch.

            2. @Pompom – yes, it’s Ellicott City. Didn’t want to give away my general geographic location but oh well.

               @OP – yep, I took the bait. See my above post about the historic community being wiped out twice in three years by flash flooding, so I’m rather sensitive about paving in general. Obviously YMMV depending on geographic location. I’m not a fan of constant of fertilizers, herbicides, and pesticides on lawns either, but I mostly blame HOAs for this problem. Why must all East Coast lawns be perfect carpets of grass just to “look pretty”? If I had my way, I’d plant native grasses and flowers instead, and they’re easier to maintain too!

   2. Because we don’t hate nature?

   3. They look nice but yeah, can definitely be terrible for the environment and city infrastructure. As a Houstonian with Harvey’s floods this hit home in a very real way. A lot of the conversation in the city over the last year has been about the effect that new developments, particularly the suburban ones have destroyed a lot of the natural sink for water which exacerbated the flooding effect, effectively creating waterways on the streets. Honestly it would have been much worse if our highways weren’t designed so well by engineers who could see this happening – most of the highways were designed to either be above flood waters (lifted) to allow for travel in the case of a catastrophic flood or designed twenty feet below street level to act as a waterway for water to flow into from neighborhoods (that’s why the photos looked so dramatic). But with less pavement the flooding wouldn’t have been so bad.

      1. Yes! I live outside of New Orleans, and after some flash-flooding due to pretty typical rainstorms, there’s a big focus on permeable landscaping in New Orleans and the surrounding area. (Also on dealing with the corrupt sewer and water board, and neighborhood efforts cleaning out storm drains.) But permeable landscaping is something that can make a huge difference if even a few people do it.

   4. I’ve been on “operation eliminate worthless green lawn” for a loooong time. Permeable hardscaping+native plants+edibles is my jam. I’d MUCH rather prune my tomato plants than weed whack along the fence.

      1. Team perennial garden plus some vegetables 4EVAH!!!

      2. +1 on slowly increasing my native plants & edibles to grass ratio! I’m looking forward to the day I can retire my mower.

      3. Yes. Permeable is great, but there are so many options beyond grass.

   5. Some people like gardening?

7. Your ex is not “special and fantastic” except for one thing. If he’s actually a fantastic person who can’t handle alcohol, he would have stopped drinking.

   Never met the guy, but he’s probably outstanding about being charming on the surface, but is really a real (expletive). That’s something you need to work through.

   1. I agree with this. He’s probably super charming and others are not laying it on as thick. He liked alchohol more than he liked you. You can do better.

   2. For real, plenty of garbage people are amazing at acting charming and sweet on the surface, so they can get away with their awful behavior when they do lose control. It’s how abusers and r@pists get people on their side – “I know him and there’s no way he would have done that,” “sorry that happened, but he’s really a great guy, he’s just weird sometimes,” “you must have done something to upset him, he’d never hurt anyone.”

      1. In particular, people with addictions often fit this profile. As I’m sure the OP has considered, her ex may have a drinking problem.

8. Has anyone ever seen success from an assigned mentor-mentee type relationship? My boss is recommending I apply as a mentee to a national organization. The problem is, I’ve never found these types of assigned relationships to be helpful in the past and, since it is national, it’s not like the person would be helpful in paving the way in my community, etc. I’ve only found helpful mentor-mentee relationships that came about organically. Should I agree to do the program?

   1. I would suggest giving it a real try. If you don’t find it valuable then tell your boss that so he or she can suggest other networking alternatives.

   2. You should do it. A lot of this stuff is more about stating that you are a graduate/participant of the program on your bio/resume than the actual content you get out of it. And the network building. You need to use the program to make connections that you keep in touch with. The mentors are likely leaders in your field, and it will serve you well to have one or more available to you going forward. These programs are about politics and not content.

      1. Thank you, I needed to hear this. I will try to re-set my mind set on this.

         1. It can be hard when you don’t see an immediate return. I don’t know how the program is organized, but if there are opportunities to meet other mentees, that is valuable, too. The idea is that you all will work towards becoming leaders in your field. It will be great to have a network all over the country for referrals, etc. In addition, these programs are breeding grounds for leaders of the national organization. So you can use it as a jumping off point for that.

      2. My assigned mentor at work turned into one of my best friends and solidly, generously mentored me for 10 years.

   3. I have had great success with this two separate times. The first was when I was very new to my field, and was assigned a local mentor through the local chapter of an organization. I learned a ton from her and we have kept in touch for years after, even though she has moved across the country. The second was from a national organization that is very specific to my niche in the field, and he was also really helpful. Not only did I actually learn stuff from them, but they have been valuable resources for bouncing off ideas, providing other perspectives, and serving as references. Plus, it’s great to put on your resume. The network building is awesome though. Definitely go for it!

   4. I applied for a mentor through a national organization very early in my career. My mentor was a perfect match for me, in terms of personality, career trajectory, everything. It has been about 10 years and we’re still incredibly close. She has helped me through three job transitions and I consider her a good friend. It can work! However, she has told me that I’m the only mentor that she has stayed close to (and only one other that really even lasted the one-year formal timeframe). So it can happen, but it’s work and luck to make it successful.

9. Ladies need advice! As is evident from my username, I work in an industry with relatively few women.
   Today, during a heated debate about user experience vs security, an outside consultant referenced gardening as something that is pleasurable but requires guardrails for safety (specifically referencing STDs and unwanted pregnancies) I was, unsurprisingly, the only woman in the meeting and extremely uncomfortable.

   How do I address this with my employer that I’m NOT okay with such analogies?

   1. I think you’re overreacting, honestly. It may have been a crude metaphor but I don’t get how this is specifically uncomfortable for women. Everybody gardens. I’ve experienced a lot of sexism in my male-dominated industry and am all for reporting it. This just doesn’t seem sexist to me.

   2. I don’t get your problem with this at all. Sex is great and you need to take safety precautions.

   3. Tell your manager you don’t want to hear s3xual content in meetings. They should be on board. If they blow you off, start looking elsewhere.

      1. This isn’t a women’s issue per se but it *is* inappropriate in the workplace unless your workplace manufactures or sells prophylactics or somehow deals with them directly. It would be inappropriate if a man said it to a group of all men or a woman said it to a group of all women. It’s just not appropriate for her workplace. Now if the comment had the effect of making her feel uncomfortable or powerless as a woman in a group of all men, that adds an additional layer of harassment.

         1. I disagree – I think sexual activity is a great analogy for data security (I’m hard-pressed to think of a better one) and if it was phrased in medical/technical terms and not overtly graphic, I really don’t think it’s inappropriate. “Eh”‘s phrasing below seems fine to me. Of course if people are using slang like “t*ts” or stuff like that, that’s wildly inappropriate.

   4. Why, precisely, were you uncomfortable with the analogy? Would you have been uncomfortable if the room was 50/50 women and men? Would you have been uncomfortable if the room was 100% women?

      Were his specific comments something like “We don’t want to make the user’s experience less enjoyable with cumbersome security measures, but sometimes we have to. It’s kind of like gardening. With gardening, if you don’t take security measures, people can end up with STDs or with unwanted pregnancies. That’s the same as our tech product. If people don’t take security measures, they can end up with computer viruses and stolen personal information.” ? This is what it sounds like you’ve described. If so, this is not a sexist or gendered comment. I cant tell you how to feel, and I can’t tell you not to feel uncomfortable, but I can tell you that this is not an objectively offensive statement.

      It sounds from your post that you are more uncomfortable about the fact that someone referenced gardening in mixed company. If the gardening content itself was not objectionable, I’m not sure you have much to say. Also, it’s an outside consultant, so what is your end game– you want your employer to tell the consultant not to talk about gardening? Maybe that’s fine. Just know what you’re asking for before you address it. If you choose to address it at all, which I’m not sure that you should.

      1. Thank you. Your text describes his comment fairly closely.
         It was uncomfortable because he also went on to describe nuanced types of protection and how we could similarly take a nuanced approach to ensure a pleasurable experience while imposing guidelines.
         Was just internally ” ewwwww, enough now”

         Also, generally uncomfortable with explicit/NSFW topics in work meetings, especially from strangers :)

         You are also right that since this is an outside consultant, there is nothing to be gained by saying anything about it

         1. I am not comfortable with the gardening talks, either. So I feel you.

            But the complaint isn’t the analogy; it’s getting graphic about it. That is the issue to address with your employer.

      2. +1. I interpreted it this way too, and think this kind of comment is fine. Of course if he said “cond0ms suck and make s3x boring, amiright dudes?” that’s a very different story.

   5. I don’t understand why this is a woman issue. Women have s3x too. I think you’re looking for offense.

      1. Because i don’t want to hear about s3x and barrier protection in graphic detail when we are working on data security

         1. I don’t think this is something you can go to HR over though. You could say “could we use a less graphic metaphor” or something like that during the meeting. But it’s not discrimination or harassment that warrants getting HR involved.

            1. +1 address this in the meeting, in the moment.

         2. Yeah, I think you would have gotten different responses if your original post had been clear that the speaker said something like “wearing a condom dulls the experience but…” That is assuming his entire audience is a dude w/ a penis.

      2. I don’t think it’s a “woman issue” and OP should not be framing it as one. The off-color analogy was inappropriate for the workplace, regardless of the genders of the people in the room.

   6. That topic does not belong in a work meeting, regardless of who is in attendance. I’d maybe let the first time go, but if it happened again, I’d say something.

10. Can we talk back fat? My weight has been the same over the last few years but lately my clothes look fine in the front and terrible in the back. How did this happen and what do I do about it? I have been doing a lot more strength training over the last year but I thought this would help back fat, not make it worse. Thoughts?

    1. I’m slim and in my late 40’s. A year of strength training left me looking better in the front than back. My bathroom has a crazy 1980’s garden tub with a mirrored wall facing the vanity mirror so I can easily see how I look from both sides. I started running 15-20 miles per week with a group and notice that it has really shaped up my backside over the past year.

    2. Try on other bras. As I got older, I realized I need a band that hits lower on my back and/or that has the inverted V strap connection because I have giant scapulas (that are even more prominent with more muscle on them). It totally looks like pouches of back fat with the wrong bra but I reach back and feel mostly bone. I recently tried on some VS bras and I hated them. It was back fat galore. I love the Bali double support spa closure but it doesn’t have any padding. I’m still looking for a similar style with more lining.

11. I”m updating a bathroom and a few things in a condo before moving in and I’m overwhelmed with the amount of decisions I have to make. I love HGTV and thought I’d love to customize my own space, but I’m finding the amount of choice in the minutiae to be overwhelming. I’m also so excited to reach this point in life and thought I’d be so happy with these decisions but making these decisions is stressful and filling me with dread. I thought I was losing my mind with the complexity of picking white paint but today I had to look at door handles. How are there so many? I can narrow the number of options by excluding those that are obviously not my style, but then I’m still left with dozens of options that are all relatively similar! This weekend I have to pick out a kitchen backsplash and bathroom faucets. I might not make it out of the store without a meltdown.

    Part of me wants to just give up and start picking things that are “fine,” but I’m really worried that nothing will go together and I’ll have a finished product that looks off. Does anyone have tips? I now realize why people hire interior designers. I’m already too engrossed in this project to hire one now, but for the next project I definitely will.

    1. It might help to look into “livable” houses. For example, door handles should be the lever type to accomodate aging in place or other needs. That might help you narrow it down a bit. After that, there’s not a ton of difference between a sixty dollar handle and a thirty dollar handle.

       1. Those lever handles can be bad if you have a dog that can figure out how to jump up and push down on the handle!

    2. You should have seen me trying to pick out the tile trim for my shower and then trying to figure d a flooring material that worked with the color. It was ridiculous.

       Pick things that appeal to you right away. Don’t overthink it. I’d go as neutral as possible with things that are difficult to change, like tile and flooring, and more adventurous with things that are easy to change, like paint, drawer pulls, and door handles. Go with your first impression and you’ll be fine.

       I agonized in my kitchen about the drawer pulls being the same shape but a different metal from the antique built-in cabinet that was already there. I haven’t even noticed it since the kitchen was finished. I haven’t thought about it in 10 years until writing this, but at the time I think I actually lost sleep over it.

    3. 1) You can still hire one now.
       2) If not, find a photo on pinterest that is EXACTLY what you want and then just find things that look like what is in the photo. You want to eliminate your decisions because you have decision fatigue. If you find a photo and just copy it as best you can, you aren’t deciding things anymore.

       1. Both of these.

          I’ve had great luck copying stuff from Pinterest.

    4. Breathe! :)

       Tips: 1. Pick a finish – chrome (super shiny), satin, etc. and make everything that (towel bars, faucet, etc.). When we did this in our bathroom we weren’t changing everything so I just matched to what we were keeping.
       2. Same for shapes – shapes tend to be more square or round so figure out what you want or match what is there and that will eliminate a lot of options.
       3. To the extent you can, go touch things. So much of this stuff is made super cheap now that often just trying faucet handles at home depot will make you realize that only 2 or 3 would work well.
       4. No white grout on the bathroom floor.

       Since you are doing all this stuff my other big tip is look at where you have plugs and add as needed. I didn’t think to check this and really wish I thought about it. You will never be upset at having more outlets. Think about things like where you dry your hair or how you need the vacuum cord to stretch.

       Also – it’s okay to not care about some things! Not everything is super important. When we did our kitchen, I knew I wanted a stainless steel sink under the counter top and I wasn’t going to spend hours picking it out. We just got what was available from the countertop place. It’s been fine. For some of these things – look at wirecutter.com and just pick what they recommend. It’s liberating to “outsource” your research on a few things.

       1. Oh man, amen times a million to no white grout on the bathroom floor!!! (Ask me how I know…)

    5. This is what a designer is for! You can still hire one now.

    6. My sister is a designer and does “texting” consultations for people like you and me.

       I basically sent her pics of things I liked, measured walls for her, told her what I wanted, what DH wanted and what part of what DH wanted I didn’t like. We got recommendations for the space that fit with our needs (here’s 4 pictures of what would look good/work in the space for the function you want) as well as general pieces (like put a bench in the entryway- here’s three pics of what kind i am thinking) then we sent her pics when we were at the store of the pieces we liked/in our price range and she talked us through which one’s would work etc.

       I am clueless when it comes to these things but now that everything is done thanks to her help, I LOVE my new space. I can pass you her info if you give me a burner email or email me at Larette00 at the mail of google

       Goodluck with everything!

12. How do you deal with stress at work? I stepped into a new role a few months ago, and the amount of stress is way higher than my previous role. I am thinking about work 24/7 and and nonstop busy at work. The amount of work is an almost impossible work load because we are short staffed now and I am, sadly, a perfectionist people pleaser. I am used to having a big work load and working on high profile projects, but I feel myself getting stressed and I’m not sure how to handle it.

    1. I’ve been there, and it sucks. It was a constant battle for me to take the time to remove myself from work (and I never really got the hang of it).

       It helped me to carve out 20minutes, minimum, before I went to sleep. During that time, my work phone went away, and I wasn’t allowed to touch it until the morning. I usually read a book, but sometimes watched tv or did some guided meditation. I also took at least 10min in the morning to sit and eat breakfast (would eat in the deck in nice weather to get fresh air). Those 30min a day made a difference for me to start and end each day on a better note.

       I also found that taking a daily afternoon walk, even if only 15 min around the block, helped to manage stress during the day.

    2. Lexapro.

       1. Sanity check: if you ever are at the point where your job necessitates psychoactive drugs, /it’s time for a new job/

13. I am hunting for an emerald/kelly green winter coat. I am in the southeast US, in an area where it does get cold but not bitterly frigid. The J.Crew City Coat in deep emerald looks exactly like what I have in mind, but it has bad reviews (cheap material and not that warm, more like a light jacket). Any suggestions? Thank you!

    1. This is out of my budget, but I’ve been lusting over the Ted Baker London Wool Blend Long Wrap Coat, and it comes in a gorgeous bright green.

    2. I have the JCrew Lady Day coat (doublecloth with thinsulate) in “hammock green” which looks close to the “emerald pool” they are now selling it in. I got mine 4 years ago, and it’s still going strong, although I don’t know if the design or fabric have changed since then. I don’t wear it on the coldest days (DC) but it is pretty warm, especially with a sweater underneath and a scarf.

       1. I have the Lady Day (not in green) and it’s a beautiful coat. I think Extra Petite has or had the green version, you might search her archives.

    3. I have a gorgeous kelly green coat from Macys from about 10 years ago. I suggest going to Lord and Taylor and Macys, both of which have a large coat selection, and just looking around. Also, if you go to shop style and type in green coat you will see lots of options.

    4. Try Boden. They have one that I’ve been lusting after… http://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/womens-coats-jackets/coats/t0246-nud/womens-blush-conwy-coat

14. Any good tips for curing a long-term (like decades long) ingrown hair issue from shaving my armpits? Actually, they are not so much ingrown, but the follicles definitely get a bit infected and bumpy. I’ve tried most of the non-chemical solutions like using sharper razors, better shaving foam. I even stopped shaving for a month or so to let it grow out, but it came right back when I started shaving again.

    1. My husband has the same issue with shaving (his face, of course!). Wash with soap and rinse before and after you shave. No shaving foam (soap is fine if you need it). Clean your razor with an alcohol-soaked cotton ball after each shave.

    2. Change your deodorant and see if that helps. I went from a gel deodorant to a “smooth solid” and that helped mine a bunch. Otherwise, laser it!

       1. Agreed, I have this issue if I’m not super-picky about deodorants. The only two deodorants I’ve ever been able to use consistently are Dove Sensitive and now, one of Native’s sensitive options.

    3. I noticed that I had no more irritation and zero razor bumps from shaving after I switched to natural deodorant last year (I use Native). Not sure if it just moisturized or the chemicals in antiperspirant had been irritating me my entire life before, but I have had no issues since the switch. Could be worth trying.

    4. What if you waxed? Do you use anything like Tend Skin?

       1. As much as I love TendSkin for my legs and bikini line, it stings like crazy in my armpits and irritates them. I’d try an alcohol free sensitive skin aftershave lotion for that area. Also, not applying deodorant for a hour or so helps. The tissue in this area is pretty sensitive, maybe from lymph nodes? My husband (who doesn’t shave) and I both have occasional days where something is tender without obvious signs of trauma and then it subsides. I chalked it up to shaving irritation, but since he has it too, I think it’s something else.
          Have you tried gently exfoliating the area?

    5. Laser hair removal is a great option for this!

       1. YES. Laser hair removal has changed my life. I wish I had done it on my underarms and bikini line years ago. I had so many problems from waxing and shaving and now it is basically problem free.

    6. I get horrible ingrowns on my armpits. I shave less often (like twice a week), and use rubbing alcohol and hydrocortisone afterwards. That seems to help. Waxing just gives me even worse ingrowns.

    7. Honestly you should either do a surface level trim (so there is still just the tiniest bit of stubble left) or get laser hair removal. My doctor suggested only doing these for hair maintenance after my groin lymphs started swelling from repeated infection. No issues since – I went with laser hair removal.

    8. I’m an ingrown hair person. Some of us just have sensitive follicles and more staph on the surface to give us folliculitis. I have these problems in my pits and bikini area.

       For myself – I make sure I’m using a sharp, clean razor. A new razor every shave. I know it’s expensive and feels wasteful. I use dollar shave club so at least it’s somewhat cheaper.

       If I’m really on my game I wipe the newly shaved area with alcohol or witch hazel. Then you can use an exfoliant on subsequent days to try to keep the follicles open as the hair grows back.

       Last, I shave as infrequently as possible. I may well have somewhat hairy armpits in the dead of winter. I do not maintain my bikini line outside of swimsuit occasions. It’s unfortunate but my skin isn’t built for frequent shaving.

    9. Would you be open to laser hair removal? I used to get the occasional infected ingrown under my arms (which is SUCH an awful place for such a thing to occur) and since getting my underarms lasered, I haven’t had any problems. There is still some hair, but a lot less than there was, and what remains is finer and less irritating.

       1. +1 for laser hair removal.

    10. Probably checked in too late on this, but thanks for all the tips! I will totally look into laser removal, and try to use an alcohol swab afterwards.

    11. Try epilating with a shave on day 1. I epilate once a week and then do a very quick run-over with a razor later that same day. It has really cut down on in-growns.

15. I need to get throw pillows but I have no idea what color would match the rest of my living room. I have medium tone hardwood floors, light green walls, a blue and white patterned rug, and a gray-blue couch (matches some of the colors in the rug). My other furniture in the room is white or navy blue. Do I go with white throw pillows? Navy? A different shade of blue? A pattern or a different color altogether? I’m really pleased with how the rest of the room has come together but I’m weirdly stuck on this part.

    1. With the color palette you described navy, olive, camel, cream or orange patterned pillows would look great – especially orange to give a bigger color pop.

    2. Spring green – also, I think we may be secretly living in the same house.

16. Thanks to all those who already mailed. I will post a couple more times today/Monday in case others who might be interested have missed it, and then send a d00dle poll for date and timing to everyone who emails. If you are interested in meeting up IRL in/around Boston, send me a note at ruthbader on the g00gle mail. Excited!

    1. sorry, it is ruthbaderG on the g00gle (ignore typo earlier).

17. How do you explain why you’re interviewing for a new job when you’ve been at your current job less than a year and genuinely like it? I’ve been at my current job for about 6 months and would love to stay in it long term. I heard about a job that is something I’ve always wanted to do through a random connection and have an interview. I’m not even entirely sure I would leave my current job for this one, but you can’t exactly say that to an interviewer.

    1. “Although I’m enjoying my current role, this opportunity sounded too interesting to allow it to pass by!” (Insert example of way new role intrigues you)

    2. The most attractive candidates like their current jobs. When you’re interviewing someone who says they don’t like or hate their current job, you have to wonder if they just have a bad attitude and are going to hate your company too.

       “I’m really happy in my current role at ABC. I was interested in talking to you about the opening here at XYZ because it’s such an intriguing role, and even though I’m not particularly looking to move, I’d kick myself if I passed up an opportunity to find out move about it.”

18. I was picking something up from a friend and overshot her driveway by about 10 feet. I didn’t check my mirror (I swear I did but obviously i didn’t), and backed up to back into her driveway. And hit the car that had pulled down her street behind me.
    This is my fault, right? I told the other driver I’d pay for the damage (outside insurance) and he has been SO INSANELY NICE about the whole thing that I started second guessing that it was my fault. I’m in Boston and we’re all jerks here, so perhaps it’s clouding my view of things? I mean…my car was backing up the street. He was either driving or stopped waiting to see what I was going and I went backward.
    Are there actually just genuinely nice people? He comparison shopped for the best deal on the work, has a friend bribing him to the place so he doesn’t need to rent a car (i offered to pay for the rental and when he refused I offered to at least uber or cab him to/from the shop), he’s been nothing but extremely friendly and polite the entire time. I live in a very wealthy town and drive a luxury car, so I don’t think he is under the impression that it’s a financial hardship (and luckily it’s only $500 and luckily it is NOT a financial hardship).
    FWIW I’m a boring mid 40s mom that had 3 kids in the car, unshowered and in grubby clothes when the accident happened and he is a very attractive 20 something so there are no flirty dynamics at play.
    Is there any way I can thank him for not being a jerk without making things weird? Or maybe just pass along the karma? (Maybe this makes up for the car accident my DH was in 5 years ago that the person is STILL hounding my ins company about even though it was no-fault and there was minimal damage but they are looking for a meal ticket and have all sorts of preposterous claims…)

    1. 1) Yes, this was your fault. 2) I think he’s just being nice, and why not be nice when the person who hit your car is paying for the repair without making it harder than it needs to be? Sounds like you’re both being decent humans.

    2. I guess he’s nice, but there’s no way I would do this outside of using insurance. What if the repair shop discovers/causes further damage, what if the owner claims it wasn’t fixed properly and wants more $, what if he later claims to develop PTSD/back problems/etc and wants expensive medical bills paid, what if you are taking advantage of a totally nice guy who should be using your insurance coverage to get a rental vehicle and appropriate repairs? What if his mom finds out and decides to give you a lecture about acting like a proper adult, IDK. I assume you have insurance coverage, so what’s your motivation? You have a person hounding your insurance company for a past incident, do you want this new person to hound you directly?

       1. My motivation? That I don’t want my premiums to increase over a scratched up bumper. My car is 100% fine (I hit him with my tow hitch). They don’t even need to replace giant bumper, just buff & repaint.

          I know this is a site full of lawyers who are presumably risk averse but I’m gonna risk that nobody got a neck injury at 3 mph. His coffee didn’t even spill. My sleeping child didn’t wake up, and my other two were too husy fighting to notice anything happened.

          1. Yeah this is really silly. If he later claims hundreds of thousands of dollars from a neck injury, your insurance may be voided because you didn’t report the accident. I’m not a lawyer, but I was involved in a fender bender at 10 miles an hour where it was obvious no one was injured, and the other party still sued my insurance for $50k+ of hospital bills. This guy seems nice now, but people who seem nice sometimes do scammy things.
             Premium increases due to accidents are very slight, and many insurance programs have free accident forgiveness if this is the first time in a while that you’ve had an accident.

          2. I urge you to just google a basic waiver and release of liability and ask him that you guys can mutually sign it. Just to protect yourself. I’m all about the #HumansBeingBros spirit and I’m glad it’s been easy for you so far.

             But my job as an SIU attorney is dealing with people who make injury claims from 3mph incidents EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. all over the country. Some people don’t even know that their car has been scratched in a parking lot and then come at my client with a fistful of scam-artist chiropractic bills. Something happens and he decides over the weekend that he actually needs more money, you never know.

             Even if you don’t make a report-only to your insurance company, definitely have some kind of agreement in writing/email between you two that you can hold onto.

          3. Obviously you think his reaction is too good to be true or you wouldn’t have made this post. I mean, I guess it’s so marvelous that you’d like to tell yourself it probably wasn’t even your fault? This makes no sense. It was very obviously your fault, but there’s no reason to be over-the-moon about this guy’s reaction because you are both making a mistake in not reporting it to your insurance company. He may very well be a genuinely nice person, but he may also be more injured/have more damages than he immediately realizes … you just don’t know. People can and do get injured in ridiculous scenarios (such as “3 miles an hour” accidents), and his version of events may be very different from yours (it’s not like you have a police/insurance report to back you up).

    3. don’t borrow trouble. He’s being nice, but that doesn’t mean it’s not your fault. maybe he’s just a decent person. just be happy the situation didn’t get hostile!

    4. Yes, he’s just a nice person. I’m in the south and many people react like this in minor accidents. I say that as a point of comparison to your Boston “we’re all jerks here” point– I think you’re just confused by that part. I would probably just pass along the karma, thank him when you get the chance, if he’s in his 20s maybe get him a $25 starbucks giftcard and say thanks for being so polite? That even might be a little much. Glad he’s nice and not a jerk!

    5. There are nice ppl. I accidentally side swiped someone while parking and left a note. It was minor and I offered to pay but the guy waved me off when he called back. I got his address and sent a big gift basket.
       Just pay the good karma forward

    6. He’s just a nice person! You’re at fault and he’s being good people about it.

    7. Oh hey, I’m from Boston too! And when I got into my first accident I was my fault, but the guy was also nice about it which was pleasantly surprising for the reasons you mentioned. I’ll second the advice to just pay it forward, and remember his reaction if you’re ever in an accident where it’s the other person’s fault, keeping your cool can really go a long way!

19. “I’m not really looking for job but this opportunity sounds so intriguing that I was moved to apply.”

20. Can you talk to me about what glasses styles (men’s and women’s, regular and sun) you are loving these days?

    DH and I have FSA funds to burn so we are each going to get a pair of prescription glasses and sunglasses (we have an awesome lunch date scheduled for next week, Costco and glasses shopping…).

    We’ve both been wearing plastic frames (think Warby Parker aesthetic for regular glasses, Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses) for a couple years and are interested in trying something different. I don’t generally notice styles of glasses frames (and DH doesn’t really notice anything) so I would love feedback on styles that you all think are current and perhaps more fresh, that we could consider and try. I like to look online at a bunch of images before going in person to try on styles, just to get an idea of what is out there. Thanks in advance.

21. I really wish more commenters used a name rather than some version of anonymous when stating their political views. It just seems like everyone wants to continue being fake. Pleasant to everyone when they can identify you and then honest when it’s anonymous. If you’re going to make a controversial statement, own it. Stop being so fake. It’s like a continuation of the corporate world.

    1. I’m a regular poster. Over time, I’ve posted enough details about myself that someone who was really interested might be able to piece together who I am in real life. I also post while I’m at work. If I’m going to post a controversial view, I’m going to do so as an anon so that it’s even less likely to get traced back to me. (I didn’t post an opinion on today’s political thread, but I have in the past.)

    2. I see your point but I’m mostly a lurker without a regular handle and only jump in on threads that I find particularly interesting. I made 2 comments on the politics thread above, neither of which provoked super intense responses. I’m pretty sure people I know read this blog so I’m also wary of putting too much information about any aspect of my life/opinions under one handle.

    3. I disagree. I think there’s a lot of value in getting people’s anonymous views on things. I agree that name-calling, blatant racism, etc are inappropriate but it’s nice to hear viewpoints that aren’t widely held and I’m fine with regular commenters going anon for these kind of discussions.

    4. Interesting. I actually trust people a little less when they express political opinions tied to a persistent identity. It raises the possibility that they’re soapboxing or constructing a public persona to advance their interests in some way. It means more to me to hear what people think when it can’t play into a broader narrative (even the narrative of “LovesShoes86” I guess).

    5. I don’t even post that often, but friends have realized that a comment was from me and said something to me about it. So, if the whole point is to post something that I don’t tell my friends, I’m going to do it anonymous.

    6. I agree. Why don’t people post their name, or a psuedonmen, rather then anonomous? That way, we would know if it was the same person, even if the name wasn’t a real name. I personally do not care if anyone knows me, b/c the manageing partner knows I post on this websight. He wants me to now try and get cleints from this websight, but I am not sure how b/c I never hear any questions about WC. If people ask questions, I will follow up with them, b/c they know I am a WC litiegator. But I am off tomorrow to Weschester to see Rosa and the Kids and Nordstrom’s!!!!! YAY!!!

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