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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 390 Comments · by

Frugal Friday: Crimson Floral Jacquard Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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red-jacquard-work-dressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This is a very well-reviewed dress at Loft. I like how it has a high neckline (like yesterday morning's dress) as well as sleeves, and it's in a machine-washable cotton blend. The reviewers really seem to love the fabric of the dress and also the way that they can wear it from desk to dinner — or at this time of year, to office holiday parties. It's available in regular sizes 00-16 and petite sizes 00-12, and you can get 40% off (no code needed), which brings the price down to $53. Crimson Floral Jacquard Dress Psst: While you're there, check out this skirt — it's a bit on the busy side but I really like it. Here's a plus-size dress option that also comes in tall, petite, and regular sizes. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)  

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Comments

  1. Lilly

    I like today’s dress. Think the cut would be flattering on many different people. I’m hoping that the hive can help me with a minor but immediate problem that I have. I’m on vacation. There is a Nepresso machine in the room. I use a French press and this machine is above my skill level. Can someone help me make coffee???!!! This machine particular machine is small, red, has a water reservoir on the back, and only two buttons on it. The buttons appear to have icons for “large cup” and “small cup”. How do I make this thing go! TIA

    • Anon in NOVA

      Does it have enough water in it? the cup icons should light up green when they’re ready to push. Sometimes opening and closing the place you put the pod in again can help?
      Sorry this isn’t much help. I’m sure the user manuals are online

    • Walnut

      I don’t recall the specific action I took, but I had this exact same problem a few months back in a hotel. All I can think is to check to make sure the pod is properly in place and check the water reservoir. I’m thinking my pod wasn’t pushed in quite right when I have having issues.

    • Anon

      I think on the top near the back, theres a button to push to start heating the water. Press that. Shortly after the two cup buttons will light up and press one of those.

    • anonshmanon

      there should be an opening for the coffee pod on top or on the front. The shape is made so that you can only insert it the right way, but you may have to push it a tad. After switching on, the machine needs a minute or two to heat up. When it’s ready for use, the buttons will be illuminated.
      This shows two different machines, I hope it helps
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVwM8obVT-s

    • Anon

      A few things to check:
      – enough water
      – is the pod in correctly (if not take it out, figure out the lever action and then out pod back in)
      – is the empty pod canister empty

    • commenter

      To turn it on and get the water to heat up you push both buttons at once. They’ll blink while heating and then when they stay illuminated you can put the pod in and hit whichever size you want. The smaller cup is espresso size and the larger is what they call “lungo” it’s about half of a cup of coffee in a regular sized mug.

    • KateMiddletown

      I had an issue in a hotel just a few months ago and I ended up calling the front desk to have someone help me. Good luck!

    • Lilly

      Thank you all for your replies. Turns out that you have to continuously hold the button down for a while and wait. The concierge had one so I got a demo. I must say that the inability to operate a coffee machine with only two buttons has a somewhat deleterious effect on ones confidence! But, finally, caffeinated and poolside. And let me recommend the Valentin Imperial Maya to any tropical vacation seekers.

    • CPA Lady

      There’s this book called “Ask For It” that I found helpful. It has a series of exercises to get you more comfortable negotiating and asking for what you want. It starts out very small with things that you might already be comfortable asking for (like more towels at a hotel or something like that) and works up to things like business negotiations. Basically the concept is that you have to get outside of your comfort zone and practice, but it lets you start small in situations where if the answer is “no” its not a big deal.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I LOVE Fruegel Friday’s and this fruegel Jacquard Dress. And I also look great in RED, so Crimson is pretty close. At $53, the manageing partner really can NOT complain about it. Plus, with it bieng holiday season, I can blend right in with the scenery at the Lambs Club and Rockafeller center! YAY!

      Anyway, for the OP, you get better at Negotiation by doeing it. Sure you can read book’s and talk to peeople, but with EXPEREINCE doeing it, you get great. When I was starting out, I was bad, but I sat and watched the manageing partner negotieating settlement’s and learned. Now, I have all the trick’s up my sleeve. I make a very low settelment offer, but then threaten to take it off the table when I get Frank to bring in a piece of paper, which I say is the investigator’s report, I tell them I will be goeing to trieal. All of a sudden, they get scared and accept my low ball offer. It is great b/c the cleint expects to pay alot more and when I come in with the news, they are SO happy!

    • Anonymous

      I got better at negotiations when I focused on my own worth.

      Imagine you’re being paid $50k at your current job. And you know you’re a rockstar and worth every penny. You apply for another job, where you know you’ll bring a unique set of skills and years of experience they desperately need, and they offer you $40k. You would have no problem at all telling the potential employer you’re worth paying at least $50k, right?

      When you have a really strong sense of what you bring to the table, it’s easier to negotiate from a position of power. Focus on getting very comfortable explaining why you bring value and why that value is quantifiable.

    • Betty

      This is a bit of an off-the-wall suggestion, but I have found that the best techniques for negotiating came from a book targeted at parenting: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I was in the midst of reading/listening to it on audible for dealing with my 5 and 3 year old when I was in the middle of a very tough, complicated contract negotiation. The suggestions regarding acknowledging what you are hearing, acknowledging needs, etc. work well with cranky toddlers and opposing counsel.

    • ORD

      If your employer will pay for it, universities like Harvard & Northwestern offer negotiation seminars. They look great — speakers, practice, etc. Often attended by business types, school officials who negotiate with unions, etc. The Harvard one has a blog & email list also that often send interesting case studies about difficult negotiations. If you are a lawyer, I’m sure there are lawyer-specific ones; I took a negotiation course when I was a new lawyer.

    • Anon

      Honestly, practice and preparation. I negotiate for a living and we will do team “role plays” and practice exercises that are super helpful. It gets easier with time, I promise! I also find that I feel more comfortable when I outline my points and reasons/justifications ahead of time (it’s easier to make an “ask” when I point to x, y, and z, reasons why it’s justified). I also typically like to think through the various ways the negotiations could go, so I’m prepared for multiple scenarios and have already figured out where I may be able to flex a bit and what’s non-negotiable.

    • Anonymous

      Hope I’m not too late but I just read “Never Split the Difference”. Written by a former hostage negotiator who shares stories that are fascinating and ties in real negotiation skills to use and take away from the book. I really liked it and use some of the ideas in depositions in addition to negotiation

  3. Big Chop

    Hive, if you have a pixie cut, I’d love to hear from you! I have an appointment for 9:30 am tomorrow to chop most of my hair off. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but am on the brink of chickening out. I’ve had short hair of varying lengths before so this isn’t necessarily extreme for me, but will still be a big change. Is there anything you wish you’d known before you got your pixie? Do tell.

    I have wavy hair so am going to a short in the back, longer on the top look like Evan Rachel Wood’s.

    • Lynn

      I haven’t had a pixie, but my sister does. She loves it! The only thing she wasn’t prepared for was at first it was really puffy, because she has super thick hair. It eventually behaved though, and looks fantastic. Life is too short to not do something you’ve always wanted to do.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I have had a pixie cut for about half of my adult life. It’s awesome, even for my fine, straight hair. You’ll look great!

      • Anonymous

        Really? For fine straight hair?

        I have stick straight, fine hair that is fairly thick, and it never looks polished. It does nothing…. I’ve tried Bobs of every length, and Hair is constantly in my face, never sleek, always flat.

        What is your haircut like? Is there a picture of a celeb you can point to? How do you wash/dry/style it?

        I worry I will just look like a big head with flat pixie hair….

        • Mrs. Jones

          Mine looks sort of like Miranda in Sex and the City. I use mousse and dry it with a round brush. I also color it, which helps create some body.

        • ChopItOff!!

          Your description sounds a lot like my hair which I describe as stick staight, each hair is thin, but I have a lot of them.

          Two things that make a pixie work for me:
          1) hair dresser uses razor for most of the cut (as opposed to scissors) and also spends time taking bulk out after cutting which makes it lie well and have shape.
          2) Product, I’m usually a wash and go girl, but two products that work to make my hair have a little more personality are living proof amp, or rough rider clay work well. Both of which I rub on my hands, run hands through my hair so very low skill level required in styling. Living proof is lighter hold than the rough rider.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks for this. Picture/celeb your style looks like? Do you blow it dry? Curl it at all?

            I worry that the pixie pictures I see are not relevant for me as these folks must have good hair that has body, and that it won’t work for my hair.

            Products are rough for me, as they often leave my hair dry and limp. I can’t even use conditioner, which weighs it down too much. Can’t use hairspray. The vast array of products are bewildering to me…

        • CTAtty

          If you’re still reading, look for pics of ginnifer goodwin, Kate Mara, and Michelle Williams. Anne Hathaway, too. I have fine, thin, stick straight hair and I have a pixi. It’s the only style that works, and these are the celeb pics I take to the hairdresser. Wax is a must for styling after blow drying. I also like Aveda phommelient.

          • pugsnbourbon

            OP, not sure if you’re still reading replies, but I love Aveda products for my pixie. In particular, I recommend the hair potion and the styling clay (men’s product). The hair potion is a powder that gives you a messy texture and lots of volume. The clay makes stray hairs behave and gives a piecey look.

            Have fun with your pixie!

    • anne-on

      Make sure you have appropriate products so you don’t get the dreaded triangle head hair. My thick wavy hair looks great in a short bob, but only when I straighten it. or use product. If I air dry its a big pouf. Carol’s Daughter hair milk in the pump tube combined with a teeny bit of silicone hair creme to style works well for me, but everyone’s hair is a bit different.

    • ChopItOff!!

      I cut my hair about a year short about a year and a half ago, and love it!
      Here’s what I noticed:
      – Has so much more character without as much effort! (previously I had long hair that looked good, but always felt like it was just there and didn’t have any personality to it, now my hair reflects my personality).
      -My hair needs a little bit of product to stay out of my face, and the good ones I’ve found all require dry hair which slows me down in the morning (I rarely did more than brush my hair before I cut it), but that’s changing from 20 minutes between out of bed and out the door to 25 minutes
      -My hair dries faster (by any method)
      -Needs to get cut more often (I go every 6 weeks now, previously it was once every 6 months)
      -You notice a bad cut more (I moved across the country so had a few months where I looked off as I found a new hairdresser)
      -clothing styles look different. I now find that thin-strapped tops and dresses don’t look good on me, though I suspect it’s just that my hair covered that part before.
      -earrings get displayed more!!!

    • Shortie

      I have a pixie and live it! I cut my hair (fine and slightly wavey) four years ago and don’t plan to grow it out again any time soon. My cut is wash, towel dry, add product, and go—about 60 seconds—which is great for my very active life. At first I went longer on the top but I never figured out how to make it look styled so I moved to shorter all over and have been very happy. Give it a few days after you cut to decide if you like it. It can take some getting used to if you’re used to seeing yourself with a lot more hair. Good luck with your cut!

      • Shortie

        If you know any women with good short cuts, ask them who they go to (or post your location here to see if anyone knows a good stylist for short hair in your area). A lot of people don’t know how to give women a good short haircut and finding one who can do it also makes a huge difference.

    • Anon in NOVA

      I used to have one years ago (very straight and fine hair). I thought it woudl be much easier than longer hair, but some days it added much more time to my mornings. Shorter hair has more of a tendency to get all smushed during the night. My bed head (which has never been a problem before or since) was atrocious!

      • Anonymous

        +1 on bed head. I have to wet my hair down and blow-dry it (3 minutes) or put a hat on if I’m going anywhere without washing my hair in the morning.

    • Anonymous

      It may take a few tries to get the shape just right. I would err on the slightly longer side first and then go shorter if it doesn’t quite work. Texture is key, especially if your hair is thick. If it looks puffy, ask the stylist to add more texture, thin it out, and/or go shorter.

      Longer in front, shorter in the back is a good bet to start with. Show the stylist photos of the cut you want. After it’s cut, take photos of it on good hair days to show your stylist when you go back for a trim.

      Be careful with highlights, as they can end up looking like leopard spots on the sides and the back where your hair is shortest. If you are going longer in the front, you could put a few highlights on top in the front.

      As noted above, prepare to re-evaluate your clothing choices. I find that my pixie cut requires clothing that is both a little more feminine and a bit edgier than my bob did. I don’t wear conservative pantsuits anymore because they make me look like a 12-year-old boy.

    • TorontoNewbie

      Downsides: bad bed head, bad hair under a toque, have to get it cut every 4-5 weeks. Upsides: It looks great, fast in the morning, feels more styled even though I haven’t done anything. Strangely I noticed I feel a lot more comfortable wearing more feminine clothing (dresses & makeup etc) with it than I ever did with long hair – it almost feels like it balances out better.

    • Meredith Grey

      Do it!!!
      I don’t have a pixie cut but I just got bangs, which was similar to me as in- everrrryyyone I mentioned it to told me not to do it. Online blogs always say if you’re not sure, just don’t. And my stylist told me not to, that everyone who asks for bangs hates them in the end, and for my particular face shape, they’d make me look fatter. Ha. Ha.

      I forced said stylist to chop them off last week, and I am in heaven!! So glad I trusted my gut. It was a practice in self-confidence for sure, and I’m loving every minute of it… (after youtubing how to blow dry them properly).

    • Emmy See

      One thing that surprised me when I got a pixie is that some of my hair actually grows in a different direction than I had thought–when it was long, the weight was enough to pull it over to the other side, but no longer! But it was cut on the assumption that that was its natural direction, and it stuck up in a funny way. (I just gelled it down when it was wet, and by the time it dried it had succumbed to my will.) I did get weird bed hair, so I’d just wet it down in the mornings and it always air-dried into the perfect shape.

      So styling it will probably be an adjustment, but I loved mine! I think you should go for it. :)

    • Lillers

      I just chopped mine off (had a short bob for years and finally took the plunge!). Mine is exactly what you are describing. I really love it.

      Overall my hair is much quicker to dry, although it’s definitely not wash and wear. I had my stylist show me a few ways to style the cut, which helps me keep things fresh. I also needed an entirely new repertoire of hair products. I now use a styling paste, spray wax, and texturizing spray depending on the look I am going for. You might even look in the men’s product section for some good options.

      I say do it! The worst that can happen is you hate it and hair grows back fast :)

    • AZCPA

      Love love love my pixie. I have lots of fine straight hair, but also with several cowlicks that in longer cuts make me crazy. In a pixie, mine are either cut off or part of the style. I do get horrific bedhead (think Flock of Seagulls) but it is easy to wet down and fix. Make sure that the person cutting understands your hair (a pixie need to work with your texture and there are tons of options) and you definitely need product I use a volumizing gel when it’s wet and a paste to define it when its dry. I definitely find that I feel I have to style it to leave the house (as opposed to when it was long and you can do a pony or put on a cap), but styling takes 60 seconds.

    • Anon

      I have very fine, super straight hair and have had a pixie cut for 13 years now. Best thing I ever did was cut my hair short. Mine looks like Michelle Williams/Emma Stone. The key was finding a stylist who knows how to cut short hair. My pixie was just alright until I finally found someone who makes it look amazing. The difference between before and after she started cutting my hair was pretty dramatic (i.e., I started getting constant compliments after I found the new stylist).

      In terms of care, I shampoo and condition only every 3-4 days, using sulfate-free shampoo. On the other days, the dampness of my shower will soften the bedhead so that I can towel my head off and shape my hair back into place. I’ll use a bit of dry shampoo if needed. When I wash it, I towel dry first, put in some Living Proof volume cream, and then blow dry with a round brush. I blow dry my hair forward on top, forward on the sides (gives it more volume when the sides go back to facing down after I’m done blow drying), and I dry the bangs so they go sort of swoopy across my face (see pics of Michelle Williams’ cut).

      I dye my hair using box dye and my hair is super healthy (probably because it’s so short). I do have to get it cut every 4 weeks, but the savings from dying it myself are pretty big.

    • Bonnie

      I’ve had a pixie for a few years now and love it. My hair is thin so gets really flat if I keep my hair long. A few things I’ve learned: you need to use more product with a short cut to texturize it, I have to wash my hair more frequently because of product build up, sometimes I wake up looking like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket and nothing fixes it other than wetting my hair. Remember that there are different types of pixie cuts so you could try for a longer one now and test it out.

    • SD

      I had one for years and loved it! The only thing is that they’re really awful to grow out, which I’m sure you know.
      My favorite part was getting it cut really really short, even buzzed, in the back. It feels great to run your finger against. I wore it longer and choppy in the front. Never bothered with product.

      One thing to be prepared for is that some people, mostly men, will feel that it’s fair game to comment upon how ‘all men find women more attractive with long hair.” This, of course, is total BS, and I also don’t know why they think it’s appropriate to say.

    • BankrAtty

      I have very fine, very straight hair, and have been rocking a pixie for almost 5 years. I will never have long hair again. I love how short hair draws the focus to my eyes. It feels chic and polished. Be prepared for visits to the salon every three weeks for regular bang/neck trims, and every 6-8 weeks for a full cut. I don’t color my hair, but my stylist assured me that if I did, I would need regular touchups where my hair is the shortest.

    • blueberries

      styling with coconut oil rather than gel helps a great deal with bed head. also, it’s pretty inexpensive.

    • QC Pixie

      Do it!! I have had a pixie for years and years, so clearly I love the look. I have extremely fine, slightly wavy hair and am wearing the Evan Rachel Wood look currently. The longer top does require that I actually blowdry and use a straightener, so it’s fine for the winter. I’ve also done very short all over (sort of the style Michelle Williams had a few years ago) in the summer, which was more wash-and-go.
      You will definitely be shocked when you leave the salon, and that’s fine! Give yourself some time tomorrow evening or Sunday morning and play with the style. I find that it helps to watch a few Youtube videos too (Whippycake is great) to see if there’s a look you like. Also, go to Ulta and play around with hair products, you never know what will work for you.
      I’ve found that as some have mentioned other people will feel the need to comment on the style, but I really only get compliments – that may be region dependent :)

    • Mrs. Jones

      I note it comes in tall, so maybe that would work. I’d need the tall size for sure.

    • Bonnie

      I’ve stopped shopping at Loft because all of their dresses seem really short. I’m 5’4″ and even some tall options are too short for me for work.

  5. BigLaw denim

    I am used to denim in this way: dark wash boot cut jeans, black boots, black sweater (varies b/w crew, v, and turtlenecks). It’s what I wear when I go out unless it’s summer. And it’s my Friday jeans outfit.

    Can someone give me some other office-appropriate winter denim outfits? Or places that are really good at office denim? I’m usually a suit or dress wearer (not b/c I’m more formal, it’s just a uniform that I’ve figure out and helps me rush out the door in the morning).

    • Anonymous

      My office denim uniform is skinny jeans, a shell + blazer or a sweater and riding boots or ballet flats, depending on season. I can wear whatever denim I want for the most part (including jeggings that aren’t super tight and colored jeans). I just have to make sure it’s paired with appropriate footwear and I like to wear blazers with denim because the more formal top balances out the casual bottom. And I have collected a lot of “fun” blazers over the years that are too casual to wear with most of my business casual clothes, so I love getting to wear them on Fridays.

      • CountC

        +1 This is my casual Friday wardrobe, although to be honest it would be acceptable most days of the week if I really decided to push the issue. There are some people here who take our business casual dress code to the max of casual. Not at a law firm FWIW.

    • Anon in NOVA

      I’m a fan of dark denim with a white button up untucked, a blazer, and a statement necklace with some cute flats. Though if you commute in winter you may need to carry the flats to change into at the office. Dark denim with flats and a nice cashmere sweater with a pretty necklace is an option, too. Ann Taylor has some sweaters with jewelled accents at the neck on sale right now, that could be pretty with jeans and boots for around the holidays, and you don’t have to worry about picking jewelry.

      I wear straight legged denim so I don’t know how bootcut will look with flats.

    • Emmer

      I work in a casual office and wear jeans most days. Typically I go for dark wash skinny jeans with: 1) nice-material t-shirt + cardigan worn open + scarf, 2) silky loose button-down blouse and dangly earrings, or 3) if it’s especially cold, sweater over a button-down with a statement necklace. Ballet flats or ankle boots, depending on the weather.

    • anonshmanon

      If you crave some variety, just switching the black sweater out should give you a ton of options, but you still get to keep your uniform of bootcut jeans and boots, so it’s not too difficult to get right.

    • Shopaholic

      You need some colour I think! Substitute the black sweater for any other colour, add a silver or gold necklace and you’re done.

      Or a shell you normally wear to work and a fun blazer i.e. not black/navy/grey. Something with texture or a pattern?

      • Anonymous

        Agree — just add some color.

        I usually just wear whatever I would wear Mon-Thurs on top, and then replace the slacks/skirt with jeans on Friday. In winter the top is usually a crew or v-neck sweater, which I own about a dozen of in different colors. I also have a scarf collection and some loud statement jewelry (and more muted jewelry of course). It seems to be enough variety for me even though I only have two pairs of jeans (both a narrow boot cut, one dark wash and the other black).

    • Hermione

      Today I’m wearing black skinny jeans, a flannel shirt, a charcoal sweater, and Clarks Originals big chunky shoes. I don’t know if that would work for you?

      (The sweater is a basic crew neck wool one I wear during the week)

  6. Carrots

    I have a holiday tipping question. This is the first time I’ve ever had a situation where holiday tipping would be appropriate, so looking for guidance. I started using a pet sitter in August when I moved out on my own and she has been fabulous (a little extra time at no charge when I was gone for two weeks, improving a litter box situation while I was gone, leaves excellent notes after every visit, etc.).

    How do you determine tipping amounts? Base it off of the amount she charges? A set amount? I’m thinking somewhere between $30-50 for a MCOL city. More because I’m asking for her to come on Christmas this month since all my family is out of town?

    TIA!

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d say tip at least the cost of a week’s service, or $50, whichever is more.

    • Batgirl

      I think people on this s1te tend to be a little more extravagant than what I’ve found appropriate in my relatively MCOL suburb. I think a week’s salary is overkill, and that $30-50 is just fine.

  7. NOLA

    Spur of the moment weekend trip to New Orleans! Any recs for breakfast, brunch, lunch (we have dinner covered), local shopping, and other things to do?

    • PJ

      Check out the hat shop (Fleur de Paris) on Royal Street. Even if you are not looking to buy one, it is worth going in to see what they have. They ship them all over the world.

    • neet

      I love the perfume store, Hove. It’s a little old fashioned but adorable. I use the heliotrope body wash and have the perfume, as well. It’s lovely.

    • MC

      Love Fleur de Paris – it’s so over the top and the staff seem like characters in books to me. Eat at Antoines and get the oyster app. Also- the duck spring rolls at Mr. B’s Bistro are fantastic.

    • Laura B

      For eating: I really liked Lucy’s Retired Surfer Bar/Restaraunt and Mother’s. I know you said you have dinner covered, but Emeril’s Delmonico was one of the most amazing meals ever.

      We did a couple Escape Rooms while we were there and that was fun, if that’s your thing. We also walked down to Marie Laveau’s House Of Voodoo, which was fun to check out and fulfilled both my need for a little NOLA voodoo and also for experiencing Bourbon Street. We took other side streets walking back and there was a street that runs parallel to Bourbon (I think this must be Royal) filled with art galleries and other shops that was just lovely. And hilariously different from Bourbon.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to Lucy’s

        My warehouse district friends all practically live there. You will probably see them if you go over.

    • Senior Attorney

      Definitely take one of the horse-and-carriage tours that goes to the cemetery. We did it and it was so cool and not at all what I expected. We did a Segway tour which was completely dorky and hugely fun.

      If you are into museums, the National World War II Museum is in NOLA and well worth a stop. Also the Hurricane Katrina Museum.

      Frenchman Street for live music.

      Take the ferry across the river and back, just for the heck of it.

      Have a great trip!

    • NYNY

      Seaworthy, an oyster bar in the Ace Hotel, just started serving brunch in October when we were there. Also, Stanley on Jackson Square has an amazing bloody mary and great brunch food.

      Also, WWOZ has great music listings. John Boutte is playing at d.b.a. on Frenchman Street tomorrow night. He’s amazing!

    • Scarlett

      Columns hotel in the garden district on St. Charles for a pre or post dinner drink.
      Fifi Mahoneys in the French Quarter for fantastic hair pieces (wigs and pony tail extensions).
      Scriptura on Magazine uptown for fantastic stationery.
      As you like it silver shop for vintage silver – everything from one off teaspoons to whole sets.
      Mignon Fage for local jewelry (not quite my taste but a local favorite)

  8. Financial advice?

    My new job is a teeny 3 person company that doesn’t offer a 401K yet. My plan is to max out a Roth IRA, but then what should I do? I’m used to putting away a lot more than that. Another alternative for the upcoming year is to max the Roth and then divert the rest to paying off my student loans by the end of the year, while working to get a 401K up and running by 2018 as the company grows. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      It depends on the interest rate, but paying off the loans is probably a good bet.

    • CHJ

      I’m in a similar situation. Maxing out a Roth or traditional IRA is a good idea. Also, if you have the option of a health plan with HSA, maxing out the HSA is a secondary retirement savings option. After that, just start investing in low cost index funds on your own. You won’t get the tax advantages of a 401K, but you’ll still be building wealth.

      As for the student loans, I agree with PP that it depends on the interest rate. You can read a lot of articles on this, but the basic rule of thumb is that an interest rate of 5% or more is worth paying off in lieu of investing, but below that you would do better investing.

      And also, my little company had good success negotiating a very low cost 401K with Fidelity. Several of us have our personal assets in Fidelity anyway, so they were willing to take us on as a 401K client to make us happy.

    • KateMiddletown

      If your company doesn’t offer a retirement plan you can do a traditional IRA as well. Make sure your income is under the Roth limit.

      • nona

        Well, she could already be doing the Traditional IRA if she wanted. You have an annual IRA limit, that can be allocated between Roth and Traditional,. If you need the tax savings, go for traditional, but Roth is probably better in the long run.

  9. anon

    Sometimes being an adult really stinks. That is all – don’t want to get specific. Anyone want to commiserate? Or share your best way to turn around a Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

    • Anonymous

      Yes…. responsibilities.

      But, at least you have choices. You can always walk away.

      I spent my childhood in an unstable, abusive home with much mental illness and unhappiness. I was trapped.

      Now, finally, I can walk away.

    • Walnut

      If you’re at the office, take a half day and spend the afternoon doing something just for you.

    • EM

      Someone told me once that the only advantages to being an adult was the ability to eat ice cream for breakfast, and sex.

      • Laura B

        +1. Except I substitute pizza rolls for ice cream on the hate-adulting days/weekends.

        And I commiserate x1000. The best way I can turn it around is yoga, either a class (preferably) or a quiet practice at home. Or read a real book. Unfortunately sometimes it’s really hard for me to drag myself to do it, and I end up netflix marathoning on the couch. Which is why I’ve sworn off watching TV by myself through the end of the year.

        Also, I fantasize plan escape routes, such house hunting for every single home in a certain state or specing/researching a Jeep that I would just drive beach to beach and live out of. Though I haven’t figured out the shower situation for that yet.

      • Yup

        It’s from the child’s book, the terrible horrible no good very bad day, referenced by the OP. Definitely not a slight on anyone. I am going to take a break from this site though since apparently every single one of my posts rubs someone the wrong way!

        • anon anon armani

          I feel you, Yup. I’ve taken many breaks for the same reasons and that I’m out of the age demographic. Come back when you’re ready. Hugs.

  10. Itchy Eyes

    This is a weird problem, but my eyes itch. All the time. I think I might be allergic to some of my face products (possibly make up remover wipes, eye makeup itself, face wash, or moisturizer). Has anyone has this issue? Can you recommend alternative products that might not make my eyes itch?

    • MJ

      Try Simple — it’s a hypoallergenic line. If your eyeballs themselves are itchy, consider whether it’s a preservative in your contact solution (I could only use Opti-Free) and also consider buying Zaditor, which is a now-OTC anti-itch eye medicine. (it’s about $15, but so so so so worth it for itchy eyes.) I would try to look for the root cause and would certainly switch to gentler things–olive oil to use as makeup remover, make sure the residue is completely gone. If you do moisturizer, don’t do it close to your eyes so that it “creeps.” I have crazy sensitive skin and if I put any products near or above my eyes, they creep down by midday and make me irritated in the eyes and super-itchy.

    • NOVA

      Pure anecdata, but I am very allergic to latex and until I switched to one of two (2!) latex-free mascaras I had itchy red eyes all the time.

    • Anonymous

      Pure anecdata here as well, but I found I had to quit wearing eyeliner to address this. I still wear mascara, but eyeliner makes my eyes itch like mad.

      Also, have you tried allergy eye drops? The active ingredient is different than regular eye drops designed to moisten dry eyes. I find them helpful. I think there’s a few different brands — just look for one that specifies “allergy” on the bottle.

    • EM

      Without knowing the cause of the itch…no. As others have said, latex can be a problem. For some it is the red dye in cosmetics problems. For me it is whatever Clinique puts in their Take the Day off Eyes and Lips.

    • ChiLaw

      This might sound completely insane, but I wash my eyelashes with baby shampoo. My skin is a delicate flower, and so is the…scalp-of-eyelashes skin? I have no idea what you would call that, but washing my eyelashes with baby shampoo helped.

    • NYNY

      Also check if your hair products are a problem. I had a pomade that did great things to my hair, but made my eyes itch like crazy.

    • af dsadf

      Do you wear contacts? I had an allergic reaction to a specific contact solution once . . . and it was not pretty.

    • Godzilla

      Stop using everything until your skin clears and test your products one by one.

      • Samantha

        +1. Try an eye makeup free day. Hopefully it will be a no-itch day. Then add back in one thing at a time to isolate.

  11. ANP

    Vicarious shopping please! A generous family member asked what I want for Christmas and I don’t have any ideas other than a new purse. She will likely spend any amount up to $600, on one item or a combination of things. I’m a mom to three kids age 7 and under, I work full time, and she wants to give me stuff (not experiences). Friends have already suggested a pair of Tieks, good winter boots (I have some), winter coat (don’t need), an Instant Pot (I have one). What else is on your wish list?

    • nutella

      I am a bag lady, but… why not ask for the purse you want? Do you have a specific one in mind? I can make suggestions…! :)

    • EM

      I’d love to help but need more info. City, suburb, or country? Homebody or traveler? Reader or tv/movie watcher? Beer & chips or Champagne and chocolate? etc etc etc.

    • Jdubs

      I would be all over a purse foe this but some other ideas might be something cashmere, a Dyson, a piece of artwork, or a roomba?

      • EM

        Oh yeah. A giant cashmere wrap from Nordstrom to keep at your desk for when it gets really chilly in your office. Great for travel also. And with that budget you can get more than one color.

        With the remainder I would join the ACLU and make a donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name.

    • Lillers

      I always like to use gifts as something I wouldn’t normally just buy myself. Here are some ideas:
      – send her a wishlist of things at Sephora (I can spend $600 on fancy makeup in about 30 sec!)
      – pair of designer/upscale shoes
      – new wallet or purse
      – fine jewelry (you can find lots of gemstone pieces in that price range or even tiny diamonds)
      – linen sheets/bedding
      – expensive blender (it could be great for smoothies for the kids too!)
      – family photo session with framed print (sort of experience plus stuff?)
      – luxury skincare products

    • Mindy

      vitamix if you don’t have one.

      Rimowa suitcase (spinner, carryon)

      bling!

      burberry trench or quilted jacket

      an hermes scarf

    • Laura B

      My MIL probably spends about that much, and I always like to give her a bigger list (actually keep an ongoing private list/pinboard on Pinterest) so it doesn’t feel like a “shopping list” otherwise I feel weird about it. On my list this year:

      Sorel booties
      Philips Wake-Up Light With Colored Sunrise Simulation (has been on my list forever!)
      Zella leggings
      Athletica leggings
      UA shorts/sweatpants
      Converse Chuck Taylor slip on shoes
      Bombas socks
      Subscription to Book of the Month (https://www.bookofthemonth.com)
      This Marilyn print: https://society6.com/product/marilyn-n19_framed-print
      Tiny diamond studs (1/4 carat) with rose gold prongs

  12. Dog and Baby and MIL

    I need some MIL and boundary advice. For some context: My MIL has been single for decades and has a dog who is her entire world. I have two dogs and am generally animal obsessed, but really can’t deal with how she handles her dog. It’s a big golden retriever who is completely untrained, jumps all over people, and is totally unruly. While MIL acts like the dog is her whole world, she’s also really selfish about meeting the dog’s needs (ex: thinks nothing of leaving the dog for 12 hours with no exercise or way of going to the bathroom). Her house has been completely destroyed by the dog- carpets ripped up, drywall dug through, stairs literally consumed. The dog has also bitten her once before on the hand, to the point that stitches were required.

    We had a huge issue a year ago because I wouldn’t let her bring her dog to our house when she came to visit for Christmas for 6 days. My mom is highly allergic to dogs, lives 20 minutes away, and is always at our house doing helpful stuff that enables me and DH to have the house and big jobs (letting in the electrician, coordinating some of the fixer upper projects etc). it would have been hard to fully remove the dander, I was afraid the dog would start being destructive in the house that we had worked really hard to fix up, and I just generally felt like three dogs was more than I could handle with my sanity. DH agreed and told her she was welcome to stay with us without the dog or in a pet friendly hotel nearby. She had a total meltdown about how the dog is her family and we were so inconsiderate of our “sibling,” which we ignored. She hasn’t come to visit since, which had been fine with us because we’re able to control the length of visit more when we go to her (sorry gotta get back to work, can’t stay 8 days!)

    Anyway, were expecting our first baby this spring. We want to set very clear expectations about if / when the dog and baby will be interacting well before baby arrives because I fully expect a temper tantrum from her. But DH and I aren’t really sure where the right boundaries are. It’s easier for us to say no dog at our house, but if we go to her house (which we’ll have to do sometimes) what should we do? where have you drawn similar lines and what would make you uncomfortable?

    • ANP

      My answer to this depends on how old your baby is when you go to visit her. I would definitely use your baby as an excuse not to go anywhere for awhile. When she comes to see you, same dog boundaries apply then as they do now: she can stay with you (or not — you may not want houseguests with an infant) sans dog or she can bring the dog to a pet friendly hotel.

      You guys will have to decide what you want to do when you visit her. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to stay in a hotel with your baby. Has the dog had any exposure to little kids whatsoever? I would be less worried about a dog with a baby who’s being held all the time and more concerned about the interaction between a mobile, curious toddler and an uncontrollable animal.

    • Anonymous

      I think this is likely better addressed in the moment than built up over time.

      Like you said, you control the time and length of visits at your MIL’s house. If/when you take your baby to her house, treat her dog like you would your own. And if her dog doesn’t behave around your baby in a way that makes you feel comfortable, then leave.

      But having a conversation about this months in advance is only going to lead to months of having to fight about it, since you know your MIL is unlikely to take the dog for training and will only take offense at any suggestion her dog isn’t well behaved.

    • Anonymous

      Hold the line on no dog at your house.

      At her house, bring a folding play yard to keep the dog and the baby separate. This will also help keep the baby away from other hazards (unsecured TVs, uncovered electrical outlets, etc.).

      Before you arrive, make your expectations clear (e.g., no direct contact between baby and dog). Do not let her hold the baby without supervision. If she violates your expectations, immediately take the baby away from her.

      Consider staying in a hotel “to make it easier on MIL now that we have the baby.” That will give you some downtime away from MIL and the dog.

    • Walnut

      I use a pack ‘n play to add some physical separation between my baby and my dog.

    • Lana

      How old is the dog? That is so sad that she isn’t giving the dog an opportunity to constructively use up its energy. Golden retrievers can be stubborn, but if given an outlet, they can be trained and are excellent family dogs. They also usually get more well-mannered and calm with age. I’ll admit mine still struggles with appropriate greetings because she gets so excited to see people, but we work with her constantly and she’s learning (she’s also still pretty young).

      • Golden Owner

        The dog needs to slowly work up socialization and boundaries, is your MIL willing to do that? Goldens need exercise and companionship, can you urge your MIL to get a dog walker during those 12 hour days? I’ve had good luck using Rover.com, or try to see if she’d hire a college kid to walk to dog. I’m surprised her vet hasn’t prescribed anxiety meds for her golden, I know of a few dogs on Prozac.

        I know that doesn’t address your original question, but this dog is not living a great life now. Direct her towards a local Golden rescue for resources.

    • mascot

      Sounds like the dog has some separation anxiety in addition to a lack of exercise. I try not to do it often, but my dogs are capable of 12hrs inside without an accident so that part doesn’t bother me too much.

      Best advice I got for a dog and baby was to treat the dog like a pair of sharp scissors and never leave the two unattended together. That should help keep an eye on things and it’s a safety philosophy that can be applied evenly across households. If the dog is really excitable around the baby, remove dog or baby from the scene. I’d wait to really bring this up until you have to so as to avoid her getting irritated months in advance.

    • CPA Lady

      An untrained dog, especially one that has bitten someone, does not need to be anywhere near a baby, ever. Ever. You should never leave the baby alone with her and the dog. You should never let the baby be in a room with the dog without you or your husband being there and paying attention. I don’t know if you do this already, but if possible, stay in a hotel when you are visiting her and do as much as possible outside the house.

      I would be nervous to have a baby in that situation, but at least you can hold a baby. Even worse will be a toddler, when they are mobile and grabby but too young to have a sense of self-preservation. Start laying firm ground rules now, because the toddler years are going to be so much harder than the first year.

      Also, what an awful situation for that poor dog. We had a golden retriever growing up and she was the sweetest, most loving dog. I know that not all golden retrievers are the same, but it just breaks my heart to hear of one living and acting like that.

      • MK

        Agree with all of this, especially the toddler part. My sister’s sweet schnauzer bit my 15 month old son ‘s wrist when my son walked past the dog with his hands up in the air (aka toddler waddle). My son was not paying attention to the dog and did not even see the dog as he was walking by (dog was on the other side of an armrest), it was completely unprovoked. Luckily, the bite only bruised and scared my son. Needless to say, the dog lost a lot of privileges and is no longer allowed in the house when children are around.

    • Anonymous

      No dog in your house.

      At her house, no dog left unsupervised around the baby. I would never leave MIL alone with the baby and the dog because it doesn’t sound like she has an understanding of the dog’s behavior and I wouldn’t trust her to not leave the dog alone with the baby for ‘just a minute’. Like she can be alone with the baby while you walk the dog but never just her and baby and dog alone. Stay within arms length of the baby at all times if the baby is down on the floor or insist that the dog be in another room if baby is on the floor.

      Baby sleeps in a pack and play in the room with you when you visit.

      I love dogs but this one is not safe to be around a baby.

      • Anonymous

        + 1

        Have this conversation before her first visit to you or your first visit before. Don’t worry about it before then.

        She will be mad, but there’s not really anything you can do about it.

      • Dog and Baby and MIL

        While I would normally agree, DH is the one who wants to have a conversation in advance. MIL is generally very needy and a little narcisstic and manipulative and setting boundaries was something he really had to work on. It really bums him out when she has these temper tantrums and refuses to consider other people’s feelings. I think he wants to set the expectations and deal with the blowback before the baby comes so he isn’t sad about his mom’s shortcomings when the baby is here and he should be able to enjoy that special time.

        She isn’t reasonable or rational. For example, we visited before we told anyone I was expecting and the enthusiasm of the dog’s greeting made me and DH nervous. The dog can literally almost knock me over and MIL doesn’t do anything to stop it. When we went back about half way through the pregnancy, DH went in first and put the dog on a leash (we had had some scares with spotting and were admittedly being very careful). The entire weekend MIL was whining about how dramatic we were and that the dog wouldnt hurt anyone.

        She has huge issues with us staying in a hotel when we visit- “why do I have all these empty bedrooms!!”

        Don’t want to borrow trouble, but I do understand DH wanting to be like: mom, this is what we’re doing, have the meltdown, we know the whole routine but this IS what’s happening. For some reason the advance notice makes it easier for him to shut down the hysteria that she tries to bring out in the day of.

    • anon

      You’re going to have to stay in a hotel when you visit MIL, at least until the kid is bigger. You also can’t leave the dog and the baby alone in the same room, even for an instant. A pack and play will not keep out a dog that size who is really curious about this strange new odd-smelling tiny human.

      If you want to have a conversation with MIL now, think about what you hope to get out of it. Are you asking her to train her dog? Or are you hoping to cut off more complaints? One of these things is a constructive conversation and the other is not. I also think you need to be more honest with her about how the dog affects you. When you told her she couldn’t bring her dog, you sort of threw your mom’s allergies under the bus. That rings really hollow considering you have two dogs that your mom apparently has no issue with (and I say this as an allergy sufferer who’s allergic to some breeds more than others). Your husband needs to buck up and tell his mom that she’s being irresponsible and he won’t allow his family to be hurt by her untrained dog.

      • Walnut

        See, but even the best trained dog should still be never left alone with a baby. It’s not worth making the argument about the untrained dog. Simply don’t leave the baby unsupervised around the dog. Even when you are all in the same room, use a pack ‘n play to create physical separation.

        Take every precaution to ensure nothing regrettable happens.

      • Anonymous

        I agree that you should try being honest with her. Your argument is totally logical, and there’s a chance she will see that if you give her all the facts.

    • aBr

      Can you take the dog for a long walk or run when you first arrive? You could pitch it as one big family event and it should tire the dog out so it is calmer for the rest of the visit. Plus, the dog will be less focused on the new addition of the baby and more focused on sniffing cool things outside.

    • Anonymous

      Give Mom a gift certificate for dog training/lessons for Xmas.

      Always stay in a hotel.

      Be consistent.

      Let husband communicate all requirements.

      • Anonymous

        I’m assuming her two dogs are of the hypo-allergenic variety whereas a golden retriever wouldn’t be.

      • Dog and Baby and MIL

        We’ve got two adult poodles that we fostered and then adopted. I had been dying for a dog forever, but never had one as a kid (see: mom’s allergies). We wanted to see if my mom would still react to a “hypoallergenic” dog.

        We’re really lucky because my mom has been a big part of our childcare plans for a while. My dad passed away a while ago and my mom is young, very active, and is lucky to not have to work. She wants to help with a lot of the childcare, which is great for us because we trust her and both have jobs that have cyclical crazy hours.

        If she had reactions to the dogs, we wouldn’t have kept them, which is why I’d never get a puppy where I couldn’t foster from a shelter as a trial first.

      • Anonymous

        Anecdata: my sister is violently allergic to some dogs and not others. There doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it. The ones she’s not allergic to aren’t all poodles of the type specifically designed to be hypoallergenic. Pet dander isn’t consistent across breeds apparently.

    • Anonymous

      If I were you: no dog at my place, just no. Also, when you go visit her, stay at a hotel and don’t leave the baby unsupervised with her, ever. You don’t need to say these things, like “drawing a line” which just tends to invite drama, just don’t do the things, no excuses or exceptions. No dog at your home, hotel when visiting.

      I don’t know if this is some sort of regionalism or cultural difference or whatever but I wouldn’t dream of bringing my pet to someone else’s home, nor do I know anyone who’s ever done that. I don’t think I’d let other people’s pets into my home either. Also, sleeping at my MIL’s home is right out and vice versa. Maybe I’m the odd one here but I’ve never even met anyone with a guest bedroom and I never had one either. Wouldn’t that be weird, though? Sleeping with your husband at his mom’s home? I would much perfer the privacy at a hotel, even if I were to ome to the house for breakfast and so on.

  13. JEB

    Does anyone have the Verismo-V (the starbucks coffee maker that makes espresso and steams milk)? Do you like it? I’m trying to decide between that or one of the Nespresso machines. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I have one and I like it. I am a fan of the starbucks espresso options – they have most of the different beans available in store in pod form. Caveat – I use the verismo for the espresso shots and have purchased an actual milk frother (Kuissential) from Amazon for $50 and it is amazing. The milk pods with the verismo are pretty good, I just prefer to use real milk at home.

      Hope this helps!

    • Scarlett

      I’m a huge nespresso fan but am unfamiliar with the Starbucks version. The nespresso makes both coffee and espresso. I have the newer verturo (sp?) line and it’s easy to use (I think the one upthread may be the older model) and I like the taste of their coffees. I’d try the coffee at both to make your decision – you can try nespresso at their stores, not sure about 4bucks.

    • Anonymous

      I used it for the vegetarian option and liked it. Ultimately there were four negatives for me; (1) cost – after the promotional price ran out, I couldn’t justify the expense, (2) cheese – a lot of the vegetarian dishes were cheese-centric, and my husband is vegan, (3) time – I found I was spending 45 minutes cooking multistep dishes, so even though all of the pre-chopped and prepped ingredients was helpful, that was undermined by the dishes multi-step recipes (as opposed to throw it in a dish and let it cook), and (4) freshness – this is a positive and a negative, but the food really needs to all be cooked within 3 or 4 days of getting the package, so if I ordered the 3 meal package, I needed to cook it 3 meals in a row, which meant we had leftovers that went bad.
      It’s a good way to go, generally, but those were the negatives that kept me from re-subscribing.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with time-consuming downside and freshness issue. It was okay and the meals were pretty tasty, but some of the produce looked a little sad the day it arrived when I tried it.

    • Parfait

      I think I’ve tried all the various meals-in-boxes services out there on various promotional plans. I’ve settled on Home Chef. It has by far the most customization possible – gluten free, dairy free, soy free — whatever you want to be free of, they can do it. Unless you need to be free of more than one or two things at a time — then it may tell you that they couldn’t come up with enough meals for you.

      I don’t mind taking 45 minutes to cook though. I find it relaxing. If you want simplicity, maybe these are not for you.

    • Anonymous

      If HRC was the president-elect and Trump tried to have a recount done and she blocked it, she would be applauded for shutting it down and Trump would be called a sore lower for not letting his loss go. I don’t like Trump at all but the double standard is so ridiculous. If Trump supporters protested and started a petition to have the results changed they would be vilified further and told to shut up, but when HRC supporters do it than it’s totally okay? People need to stop and accept the results even if they don’t like how it turned out and use that energy for things like charitable giving to causes that will be harmed by Trump (Planned Parenthood etc.)

      • anon

        no, she would not be applauded for shutting a recount effort down, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with a recount, especially when his margin was so razor thin. If he lost, he would be alleging massive voter fraud, not requesting a recount. In fact, he won, and he’s still alleging massive voter fraud, with absolutely no evidence.

        you’re absolutely wrong on this.

        • Anonymous

          Right? I’m astounded how people can’t seem to understand the difference between filing for recount which is a normal safeguard in any democracy and happens all the time in democracies around the world VS. a candidate alleging widespread voter fraud without any evidence.

          If HRC had won, HRC’s team would not have objected to a legal recount. They would have objected to unfounded allegations of widespread voter fraud.

          • bridget

            Re: voter fraud. May I recommend John Fund’s article in the WSJ today about it?

            Functionally, there is almost no place in the process, from registration to voting, to ensure that a person is eligible to vote, is not voting elsewhere, and is only voting once.

            Re: recounts. How would you all feel if Trump had asked to recount Nevada and New Hampshire?

          • Anonymous

            Totally fine with a recount anywhere that anyone wants to recount. An election needs to be able to stand up to recounts.

            So over the faux concern about the masses of illegal immigrants trying to vote illegaly. It’s not a thing that’s happening. At a certain point, the oath that is sworn has to mean something, just like when people put their hand on the Bible and promise to tell the truth in court.

          • January

            @ bridget – I read the article. If what Fund is saying is true, then shouldn’t voting audits essentially be mandatory?

        • Anonymous

          Right. I think there is a huge difference between saying “The margin of victory was very close, so I request a recount” versus “There was voter fraud, the election was rigged.” The former is standard in our country, the latter is horrifyingly undemocratic (and is what HRC criticized Trump for saying during the campaign).

        • Anonymous

          The margin of victory was not razor thin. Recounts rarely change vote counts by more than a couple hundred votes.

          Effort that Democrats put in to this takes focus away from what we shuttle be doing: ensuring the president has no conflicts of interest and is making acceptable cabinet appointments.

          I think Trump should be thrilled that Democrats are waging war on the recount and not what the bigger issues are.

      • EM

        I’m afraid I don’t quite understand your post, but I want to echo anon’s words above: there is absolutely nothing wrong with a recount, especially when his margin was so razor thin. I feel that this is extremely important. In some states (ie Florida) such slims margins automatically trigger recounts.

        I have no idea why he is objecting.

      • Anon

        +1

        I’m embarrassed at the behavior of some Hillary supporters. They are acting the same way as the ‘whiny’ Trump supporters people complained about. Trump was roasted when he refused to say if he would accept the results of the election. Everyone needs to accept that he won.

        • Anonymous

          This is not what’s happening at all. Trump made unfounded allegations of widespread voter fraud. In three states with a close vote count, a legal recount has been requested. It’s watermelons and lobsters – apples vs. oranges isn’t enough to explain how totally different the two things are.

        • January

          I sit next to two very right-wing partners, so I’m sure my response to this is colored by my frustration that I can’t respond to them, but I am tired of the argument that if Trump were the one calling for a recount, everyone would be up in arms, so everyone who supported a recount should shut up and go away. HRC didn’t win. We can’t say under what circumstances she might have won (i.e., would she have won in a landslide? Electoral College win vs. popular vote loss?), so we also can’t say how Trump, HRC, or anyone else would have responded (though I feel confident that Trump would not have responded graciously, since he can’t even win graciously. See this weekend’s Twitter ranting).

          I am also tired of conservatives complaining about “whiny” liberals/millennials, because the PEOTUS is himself a whiny special snowflake, and one need look no further than his Twitter account for evidence of that.

    • Minnie Beebe

      Why on earth would he want to prevent this, unless he’s certain that there was something going on? Especially in light of his allegations of extreme levels of voter fraud?

      • Anonymous

        Because he won and yet people won’t stop with the protests, petitions and talk of recounts. I agree with OP if the positions were reversed and he lost than everyone would be calling him a sore loser. I despise the man but he is right about this.

        • Anonymous

          Sure, but the point is that the recount might (hypothetically at least) reveal that he didn’t actually win, in which case this argument doesn’t hold water.

        • ELS

          Right, and no one protested when Obama won. Totally forgot about that.

          /sarcasm

    • anon

      I hate trump, and I hate that he’s trying to block the recounts. I would also feel the same about HRC doing it. As I see it, our democracy only works when people accept the results and feel that they’re legitimate. If recounting helps them do that, then that’s cool. We all have an interest in knowing that the person who won did so fair and square, regardless of what side you’re on.

    • anon a mouse

      Everyone should support the recount even if it doesn’t change the outcome. In some precincts in Wisconsin, Trump received more votes than there are registered voters. Is that malice or error? Probably simple error, but the only way to know is to check the math.

      His comments throughout the campaign were designed to de-legitimize the democratic process and undermine people’s faith in voting. The best way to preserve democracy is to carry out fully.

      • emeralds

        I couldn’t agree more. If HRC had won and Trump had requested recounts, as he surely would have done, I would have rolled my eyes a bit but gone along with it–it’s his right and it benefits us all to let the democratic process, including recounts, play out. I have no expectation that the recount will change the results of the election, but a more honest, open process is never a bad thing, especially when there’s a slim chance that our democratic process was compromised by outside actors. He’s also claiming widespread, massive voter fraud (not in the states that are being recounted, only the ones he lost…), but either way that only strengthens the case that we need a recount.

        Basically, if the recount proves that everything was fair and he won all three states, as is likely to happen? Cool, nothing changes. They prove that something was manipulated, whether by people in the US or Russia or whatever? Huge deal.

    • Yup

      I saw a local news (I know, I know it came on after football) story about the recount effort and the people who were shown recounting in Wisconsin were all 50 year old+, heavier set people wearing jeans and different colorful sweatshirts from vacation locations. Like Outer Banks, Florida, etc. It looked like they were having a blast! I just thought it was funny because the recount topic is so contentious and volatile and then they showed the actual process and it was like a pre-retirement party or book club. The reporter was trying to sound so serious and when they showed the clip, the people all looked like the nicest, least controversial people in the world who probably have the best secret baking recipes. Anyways…

      • Anonymous

        #retirementgoals

        Poll worker is actually looking to be a kind of fun job to fill retirement days with. You get to meet lots of people who are excited about voting.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        You totally just described my parents who are heavily involved in local politics – but not in Wisconsin. My mom loves her Jacksonville, Florida sweatshirt. Her first plane ride in 27 years. Went there for a family wedding. Made sure to get a souvenir from the hotel gift store.

  16. Anon for this

    There’s been a lot of talk about relationships lately and I was wondering if you ladies could help me get perspective on my own relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and for the last few months things have felt off, but I can’t tell if it’s just due to external factors (I work in biglaw, BF works full time and attends school) and the stress they cause and his behaviors are normal, or if this is becoming an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m so deep in it I can’t tell the difference anymore.

    1) He tells me all the time that I’m lucky to have him; his favorite line is “I do so much more for you than you do for me.” His explanation for this is that he does things including: staying at my house 2-3 nights per week while not contributing anything financially (and being in the area for work purposes anyway) and expecting me to pay for all meals while he is there, listening to me talk about my day or my feelings, spending holidays with me (and sometimes my family).

    2) Virtually every gift I have gotten him over the course of our relationship he has either destroyed (clothing, shoes, kitchen appliances) or he criticizes relentlessly (i.e., why did you buy this brand instead of this other one? It’s because you’re cheap, etc.)

    3) Calls me spoiled, selfish, or intellectually dishonest if we disagree. He also will text me criticism about things I do or say or am, i.e., recently he was telling me over and over that he does more for me than I do for him, and my refusal to admit it is just a sign that I am intellectually dishonest and so spoiled I don’t even recognize how spoiled I am. When I finally said, “Fine, you’re right, you do more for me than I do for you” (even though I don’t think it’s true, I just wanted to stop arguing over text while I was at work), he said, “See, you finally admit it. I really don’t like how you try and argue and be coy just to win an argument when you know you’re wrong.” It made me feel like crap and was distracting at work.

    I keep thinking maybe this is just a function of his being busier and resenting it, and my being busier (hello mid/senior level associate in biglaw), but it’s getting harder to feel good about this relationship. I don’t know if these are just price of admission things, and I am expecting too much, but I just don’t know. I haven’t been in a relationship this long ever, so am just not sure.

    • anon

      Whoa whoa whoa. Literally the first sentence of point #1 is already so far beyond the pale for a solid, respectful relationship that I can already answer your question. He is emotionally abusive, you deserve better. Get out as soon as possible. No job or life situation excuses these behaviors. I’m sorry you’re going through this and can’t say it enough: you deserve better and will find it. He is treating you with contempt. Look up the research on contempt by Gottman (easy to google). This isn’t the future you want.

      • Betty

        +2. Being treated this way is NOT the price of admission. You are not asking too much. You deserve better. Hugs.

      • Anonymous

        I got through the first sentence of point 1 and thought “There’s no situation where I think it’s ok to say that.”

        These are not price of admission things. This man does not respect you.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes to this.

        You are in “oh, honey, just no” territory here. Name-calling and criticism like this are not okay at all.

        • Another anonymous judge

          If Senior Attorney tells you “oh, honey, just no”, I recommend you listen. In addition, I concur. Life is too short for this. Seriously.

          Please think about what you think if this were a dear friend in this situation and do what you would tell her to do. You deserve something much different than this. I promise you this even though I don’t know you IRL.

      • Scarlett

        +1 I couldn’t get past the first sentence let alone the whole post. Oh OP you deserve so much better than this. Not normal, not okay, not a price of admission, not worth it. What’s the acronym DTMFAMO or something like that?

      • H

        I physically cringed at the first sentence. And cringed even more with each subsequent point. You can do better. Being single would be better.

    • Newbie Associate

      Sounds like a toxic relationship. It sounds like he’s intimidated by your success and is trying to talk you down to make himself feel better. I would think seriously about ending this relationship. It’s not going to get better as you move up in the biglaw world (or wherever).

    • Anonymous

      um what??? In a good relationship, your boyfriend should be telling you how lucky HE is to be with you. End of story. I think you already know what you need to do.

      This guy sounds awful.

    • Newbie Associate

      Also, being treated with dignity and respect are baseline standards for a relationship. You deserve MUCH more and this is not okay.

      • JayJay

        Any one of those points is a deal breaker, much less all three together. DTMFA and move on.

    • HSAL

      Oh honey no. He is awful. None of that is normal, you need to move on. You don’t feel good about it. You’re not expecting too much. You can do so much better.

        • Anonymous

          + 1 million.

          Do not try to work this out or try counseling, run very far away.

          The fact that he has you doubting yourself on this, makes me suspect he is also gaslighting you.

          Do not wait until ‘after the holidays’. 2016 is already a dumpster fire. Get a fresh start in 2017.

    • mascot

      This is a function of him being a jerk. This is the price of admission for being in a relationship with a jerk. Please, you can do better than this.

    • lsw

      What the h3ll? This guy sounds awful. Get out and I can guarantee you when you’re clear for a while you’ll look back on this and see what we see.

    • Anonymous

      Run. Run as far away as fast as you can. There are so many red flags here. You need to kick him to curb like yesterday. Run, run, run.

    • anon

      Stop fighting over text. It resolves nothing, opens the door for a ton of miscommunication, and drags any fights you’re having into your worklife.

      It sounds like he feels unappreciated and maybe you’re not really hearing that. You say you don’t know why he feels like he does so much for you – have you asked? Is he cleaning, cooking, doing any number of things around your house that you’ve become sort of blind to? Has it become mostly his job to come see you/initiate plans/do the emotional labor of actually having a relationship? Is there reciprocity on your end – do you spend the night at his place, listen to him talk about his day, initiate plans?

      • anon

        Even if this is true, it doesn’t excuse his crazy behavior! When things get hard in marriage or with kids, is this the kind of partner you want to have to work through challenges? His behavior means that you need to leave him and find someone else who can be a real partner. It doesn’t really matter what the problems are for him in this relationship, he needs to find a respectful way of working it through or asking for what he wants.

      • Anon for this

        He doesn’t cook or clean (it’s a huge issue when I ask him to wash the dishes after I cook or take out the trash, ever), he won’t initiate plans and gets annoyed when I try to plan things and ask him to come, and I don’t spend the night at his place because he has roommates and it’s a very far commute from my job. He stays at my place because it’s convenient for him to get to where he needs to be.

      • mascot

        But, even it he feels that way, there are far better ways to discuss this. You can disagree without name calling and belittling comments.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes. The namecalling and belittling and criticizing are dealbreakers.

    • Anonymous

      He sounds like the man I was with for sixteen years, who I am now trying to extricate myself from via a very expensive divorce lawyer and lots of therapy. If you’re still uncertain after all these comments, I would suggest reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, I was married to this guy for 15 years and I am here to tell you that (1) it’s not normal, and (2) there are beautiful men out there who will treat you with love and respect, but you can’t find them while you’re still waiting around for Mr. Name-Calling Jerk to change.

      • Lizabet

        Plus one on this book recommendation. It can be hard to think of yourself as someone who would be in an abusive relationship, but it’s more common than you think and the advice is invaluable.

    • Anon

      Whaat? Yes, this sounds abusive. But even if we can’t all agree on that, I think it’s safe to say this relationship sounds like no fun at all. Why are you still in it?

    • Cat

      Wow, this sounds horrible. Get out. This is so so so not normal. Yes sometimes my DH and I tease each other about being lazy but it’s never mean spirited like your descriptions are.

    • ponte python's flying circus

      Not a function of being busy/ work stress. That is emotional abuse. Leave, run, get out NOW.

    • Anonymous

      NOPE.

      1) Adult relationships shouldn’t involve this kind of quid-pro-quo/who-does-more-for-whom algebra.

      2) WTF

      3) Name calling is not an acceptable method of disagreement.

    • anon a mouse

      not normal. The proper phrasing of point #1 is “I am lucky to have YOU”, not the other way around. A respectful partner praises you instead of praising himself.

    • Jitterbug

      Jesus Tapdancing Christ, he sounds awful! Has be always been like that? This is definitely emotional abuse, he’s making you feel like garbage, leave ASAP!

    • sfbae

      this post almost made me cry because this is what my dad does to my mom. she said it started with little comments like the ‘why did you get this brand? it’s because you’re so cheap’ (almost verbatim what my dad has said before so many times) and it only gets worse with time. my parents are still together and it makes me so sad to see my mom suffer from thousands of little to not so little insults every day. i wish my parents were divorced and have been wishing that since i was in middle school, but it’s not my decision. PLEASE reconsider your relationship and PLEASE do not let it continue if this is what its like.

      • Anonymous

        Yep. My dad used to be SO critical of my mom when they were married. Post-divorce my mom said that my dad even criticized the size of her feet, as if there was anything she could do to change that.

        My first serious relationship (thought I was going to marry the guy) was similar in that, over time, he thought he was doing me a favor by dating me. It wasn’t straight from the outset because I would have dumped him, but by the time it started I was already so involved and it was so insidious that I didn’t see really see it coming. And by the time it started happening he had warped my sense of self-worth so much that I really did think that I was so lucky to have him.

        OP, please get out of this relationship.

      • Anon

        Oh god, me too :-(. My dad is so critical of my mom for no reason and always has been. It’s like making fun of her and undermining her was the way that he tried to endear himself to us kids. Even now, when we’re home for the holidays, he gets back into sniping at her. I guess he thinks it’s funny or that we’re entertained? It’s horrific.

    • Anonymous

      I am a commenter who often tries to play devil’s advocate when someone is asking for advice about a seemingly bad friend, bad coworker, bad boyfriend, bad husband, etc. I like to try to empathize with the person behaving badly, because I think most bad behavior comes from a place of pain or insecurity. I think it can help to figure out the root cause before writing someone off and/or simply judging the bad behavior as part of an overall bad person.

      However, this guy sounds terrible. While this behavior might be motivated by insecurity, it’s also completely ridiculous and you deserve better. This sounds less like a cry for help and more like intentional manipulation. Some people really are just jerks. He might be someone who can be helped if he seeks out therapy, but you don’t have time to wait around for that. In my book, this definitely qualifies as emotional abuse. Walk away.

    • LALaw

      I think you probably already know it’s not a good situation, but if it helps: YES. This is abuse.

      He sounds exactly like my father. This is how he treated my mother. And then, how he treated me as soon as I was old enough to have opinions or do anything that tangentially inconvenienced him in any way. Not that you’re necessarily contemplating kids with this guy at this stage, but just know this behavior trickles down. It’s likely not isolated to how he treats you, it will affect your (hypothetical children) and other people in your life. It sounds like he is generally disdainful of others around him and is a classic narcissist.

    • Yup

      Um I don’t like him. The existence of stress should not result in emotional abuse. Life is stressful. Pobody’s Nerfect and all but think about the stress if you have children and how he would talk to them. (I take you to school and sacrificed my happy hour so that’s why you get this birthday gift).

      If these comments don’t convince you, tell him you are upset and want therapy (even though you don’t have time) and if he won’t go then end it before things get worse.

    • Marshmallow

      I’m piling on at this point but yes, he is a jerk and you deserve a million times better. You are worth so much more than this. Dump him and go celebrate your own awesomeness without this loser.

    • Samantha

      What everyone said.

      Also, if you feel like posting your location, I bet someone will take you out for a drink. Or go take yourself out to a delicious lunch. Because you do not deserve this guy and you need to do something nice for yourself.

    • Anonymous

      Why are you with him? Just too busy, so sticking with the status quo because…..?

      What is going on with you?

    • Parfait

      “Price of admission” is for things like, he leaves his socks on the floor: a small flaw that it’s worth putting up with because otherwise things are great.

      Being a jerk to your partner, belittling her opinions and feelings, and destroying kitchen appliances? I can’t think of anything so great that these are an acceptable price to put up with.

    • Kate

      Yes, this is abuse and gaslighting. Please end this and go to no contact. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts, please check in and let us know how you’re doing.

  17. DC Conflicted

    I can’t decide how I feel about the final vote tally coming out of WI/MI/PA make me feel. Am I glad that he only won the presidency by 80k votes spread out over three states or depressed because we’re still stuck with him?

    In some ways it’s comforting – he definitely doesn’t have a mandate. But my home state definitely let me down.

    How are other people handling the news?

    • DC Conflicted

      Ugh – need an edit function!

      “I can’t decide how I feel about the final vote tally coming out of WI/MI/PA.”

      • lsw

        I’m very disappointed in Pennsylvania. I still can barely believe it. Honestly this far after the election I still feel like I’m living in a state of unreality.

        • Marshmallow

          Yes. I still feel like I’m living in a nightmare and I’ll wake up any moment now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m depressed beyond belief. She won the vote by almost 2 percentage points (a larger margin of victory than many elected presidents) and lost the office because of one tenth of one percent of the electorate, living in just three states. How is that reflective of what the county wants? It also seems unbelievably unfair to me that Democrats now have to win the popular vote by roughly 3 percentage points to have a good chance of winning the electoral college.

      • EM

        When one looks at the geographic area that Trump one, one can see how it does reflect the choice of the country. Of course, balance that against the popular vote and the opposite can be said. My point is, I can see how the electoral college is working properly…trying to strike a balance between city and country.

        Having said that, I will call your depression and raise you to nauseous.

        It further infuriates me that some dems are refusing to change. Why oh why was Pelosi re-elected? She is as divisive as anyone….like my republican congressman who told me 4 years ago that sure, he would work with Obama…if he agreed with him.

        Can’t we please get some moderate and informed people who can compromise and work with others? We’d all be fired from our jobs if we behaved the way many members of Congress do.

        • emeralds

          I started thumping my head on my desk when I first saw the Pelosi thing. Democrats, do better.

    • Yup

      I posted awhile back about being discouraged at work because I represent blue collar workers and families in the midwest. Update: I still have not heard a good reason. The majority seem to be – we need the Supreme Court to be conservative (just in case), and guns guns guns – Hillary would take our guns.

      I have become better than that week. But I am seriously considering a career change honestly. I will probably try to take a vacation in January or February and see if that refresher helps. If it doesn’t, I’ll probably pursue something in BigLaw or Corporate. I want to be able to educate them from the grass roots and help. But they do not listen to reason. It ends in “liberal media told you that” even though I am an Independent who rarely spews rhetoric of either party.

      • Emmy See

        “I want to be able to educate them from the grass roots and help. But they do not listen to reason.” Yeah, I think you should consider a career change. You can’t “educate” someone if you won’t speak about them with respect.

        • Yup

          A substantial part of my day is spent educating my clients about their case. I do it tactfully and respectfully. But they are receptive to that information. Frankly, I do not even bring up politics but it naturally comes into play, especially this year. The facts I give them, not opinions, like “the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, not Obama” or “the free Medicaid you are receiving is because of the ACA” are met with such staunch “you’re wrong” resistance that it’s tough. And it’s not because I do not respect them. It’s because I can’t help them. And it’s the first time I’ve felt like that since I chose this profession over money because it was more fulfilling than working for a big business or firm.

          And I am not generalizing every client but it’s the ones who are the they that are wearing me down. And they aren’t the same race or gender or nationality.

  18. Thoughts?

    I work with an incredible team of female attorneys, including a very nice young attorney who is the closest to me in seniority (she’s more sr.). She is awesome at the office and we get along well. However, when we are with some of the more senior female attorneys (and really just any time it’s not just the two of us), she holds the conversation for long periods of time and it makes me really dislike her while its happening. It’s hard to get a word in and I just end up staying quiet. While I’m a generally talkative person and like being in groups, but I adapt to any situation and I’m hyperaware to not control the conversation at any point (a weakness I polished before law school, yay!). She comes across as selfish when that happens and I get very annoyed.

    She can also be incredibly apathetic about events we attend or things we have to do that are related to our work. I am a fairly cheery human, so I don’t mind meeting others and attending events. Since we’re always together, it can be difficult to network when she just wants to stay in our little group. I am not overwhelming in my sunniness, I’m just a positive person and thankful to be working my dream job (it’s a good job and she likes it too). I’d also like to advance in the organization, so I consider things like these important.

    Truthfully, I don’t think she’s trying to show off or one up me–she’s always giving me much appreciated tips and answering my new-to-the-job questions. I think she just likes being the center of attention when in a group and doesn’t like much.

    Tips on how to handle this? I want to like her as much outside the office/solo context as I do inside the office?

    • Anonymous

      Walk away from her more often?

      Not socialize with her outside of the office?

      Keep it professional and not personal?

  19. I Hate Christmas

    Opting out is ‘rude’ but attending as a vegan makes me ‘difficult’, don’t even get me started on bringing my own food because obviously that is offensive too. I can’t win. I’m the villain if I go or if I don’t go.

    • anon

      If your family makes you feel bad about being a vegan, and objects to you bringing your own food or helping cook, then I don’t know why you would even want to spend time with them. They sound awful. Let me guess- they voted for Trump (har har). Make your own Christmas traditions and be happy- life is short.

      • bridget

        My meat-eating, Trump voting family is completely supportive of my vegetarianism.

        Seriously, many of the people on here need to grow up. I don’t like the guy, and I loath Obama, but managed to get through my day without taking gratitutious swipes at their voters.

        • anon anon armani

          Thanks for reasonableness from me too! I didn’t hold protests in the streets the past eight years…and I’m smart and run a sucessful business of my own – in the social field of endeavours. I feel like an outlier here. Nice to mee you!

      • rosie

        I think the voting comment was probably snark/sarcasm, but there are lots of liberal people who seem uncomfortable by vegans/vegetarians, especially around holiday time. And there’s not really any way to win: if you sit there and eat nothing they feel bad, and if you bring or prepare “special” food they make jokes about it.

    • Anonymous

      Just eat ahead of time and have a salad/veg there. Don’t bring your own food, complain, or nitpick. Arrive after dinner. Decline invites.

      No one really cares what you eat. Get over it. It’s just food.

      • I Hate Christmas

        Its a 6 hour event. I cant exactly go that long without getting hangry. Being late/leaving early is also frowned upon. ‘Just food’ alright then.

        • Anon

          Surely there will be vegan snack foods and drinks available? If not, bring some that everyone will enjoy – a bit different than bringing an entrée in terms of optics. I agree with the advice above. This isn’t ideal and your family should be more open-minded, but I wouldn’t allow my dietary choices to ruin my relationships or holidays.

          • I Hate Christmas

            Raw carrots and broccoli, plain bread? Most crackers and dips aren’t, neither are desserts or candy, even the roasted vegetables are swimming in butter. Its also a matter of me being an ethical person somehow being an unethical thing to do. Because going against the grain is taboo irrespective of the actual logical coherence of the stance.

          • Anonymous

            Maybe bring some snacks you enjoy instead of something that you dislike, then?

          • Walnut

            You’re not going to win any friends if you bring your veganism with a superiority complex. Arrive after the main meal and bring a yummy snack to share with the group. I can’t imagine anyone will kvetch to your face if you add another snack dish to the munchie table.

          • rosie

            So bring crackers & spread or veggies & dip that are vegan. Who cares if it’s duplicative? And I also think it’s fine to bring a few sides that are vegan, and maybe try to go through the line first (assuming it’s buffet style) to avoid cross-contamination issues. If you’re the villain either way, you might as well not be hungry on top of it.

          • Anon

            The more you reply, the more it seems like you’re the issue. I can think of tons of snacks that vegans and meat-eaters alike enjoy. Mary’s crackers and fancy hummus. Most potato chips. Fancy mixed nuts with cool seasonings. Get some creativity and check your attitude and this probably won’t continue to be an issue for you.

      • Laura B

        This. Bring a couple vegan dishes to share and just set them out with the rest of the food. I bring food to all of my family Christmas events – when we’re planning it I just let the host know that I’m bringing XX.

      • emeralds

        +many. A large, and hearty vegan casserole (or pasta dish or soup or whatever) that is recognizable to confirmed omnivores as “tasty, recognizable food” is your friend here. I’m successfully using that strategy to get my meat-loving boyfriend to barely notice eating 100% vegetarian 2-3 days a week, and he’d have laughed in your face if you’d told him a year ago that he would enjoy vegan anything. I fed him vegan chili once and he barely noticed; my vegan black bean soup is his all-time fav black bean soup. So it’s doable.

        And FWIW, I can hear your frustration and I’m sorry that your family isn’t being more reasonable. But you can’t change them; you can only change your response. I don’t know whether that’s not going to Christmas, and spending it with other friends or family that you enjoy; or whether that’s going, with food you can eat in tow. But going, nibbling on a piece of raw broccoli, getting hangry, and spending six hours of your life stewing in anger and resentment isn’t going to help anything.

        • emeralds

          And also cosign that you won’t win any friends to veganism with a superiority complex and a chip on your shoulder. I was vegetarian for a while because of ethical and environmental reasons, but tl;dr it was not a good fit for my health. I still eat mostly vegetarian and usually 2/3 meals + snacks are vegan because of said ethical and environmental concerns, so it was important to me when my BF and I moved in together that my kitchen continued to reflect those values. I was also hoping to get him to reduce his meat consumption. And the way that’s happened is to cook delicious vegan/veggie food that he likes and enjoys eating, so that he no longer sees “vegan food” as this weird blend of quinoa and unpronounceable borderline inedible (to him) things like tempeh. If I’d told him he was a horrible person for eating cheese and tried to shove seitan down his throat, it would not have gone well.

          • I Hate Christmas

            I have a meat eating husband. I think I have that part down pat. It’s just exhausting being starving for minimum 6 hours (often 8-9) because bringing my own food is a mortal sin insulting the cooking skills of the host.

          • Senior Attorney

            Well at some point you have to draw the line and just bring your own food (I think “to share” is a key component here) because between the host being insulted and you starving, then I think “the host being insulted” is the only viable option.

          • Tutti

            Is it though? You have a dietary restriction. If your host reacts that strongly against your bringing your own food, it sounds like he/she isn’t that great of a friend/family member – they are the issue, not you. So F-them and do it anyway!! I would never, ever be insulted if someone brought their own dish/food to meet their dietary restrictions if I was otherwise unable to accommodate it.

          • Anonymous

            Christmas hater…

            Get a grip and stop whining. It is clear from your responses and by your ignoring our recs WHY your family may be put off by your attitude.

            Make a delicious vegan dish that others will enjoy to share. Compliment it with salad and sides at the event. Go one hour late and leave one hour early if your fragile body cannot be sustained for more than 4 hours once a year on this limited diet, which includes your communal dish.

            Is this really the hill you want to die on?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Can you suggest easy substitutes? I medically cannot have dairy or gluten. My family can cook many of the same things they always cooked just substituting Earth Balance for butter. My mom now likes Tofutti better than cream cheese. They have a sour cream too. So Delicious whipped cream is better than Cool Whip. My parents were a bit resistant to eating all these substitutes until I cooked Thanksgiving and they realized they really were just as good as the originals. We no longer need my dish and their dish. Since you don’t have to avoid gluten too, this should be a fairly easy swap.

        • Anonymous

          So it’s a family gathering at someone’s house? I’m not trying to be snarky, I really don’t know what you mean when you say the event is Christmas.

          I’m gathering that you brought food last time, but am unclear on why that went so badly. I’m lactose intolerant and I bring my own substitute ingredients to use when my family cooks large meals together. I get snarky comments about my “weird milk” but they use it. Relying on other people to be able to know what I can and can’t eat doesn’t work; it’s not their dietary restriction and they don’t understand the rules. Why should they? So I bring my own.

    • Anonymous

      Yep. I get this. I have posted before about being 80% plant-based but still eat animal products for other meals. My strict vegetarian brother out me to my aunts when they asked about food options for HIM. I had planned to cheat for that meal but now I’m the difficult “vegan” one. Ugh. We are both flying in from out of town and Mom thinks that a very rural grocery store will naturally have vegan options on Christmas Eve/Day. Every bean salad I’ve ever had in this area of the country had bacon in it! So…I’m bringing some red curry sauce from home to add to veggies and rice. This means my brother and I will have “foreign” food for Christmas. Seriously, my aunt calls even Mexican and Chinese food “foreign”. This is my family.

      I’m staying with my mom for a week. Last night, we started brainstorming meals that I can eat. I sent her a soup recipe that I can eat for lunch every day. We talked about adding tofu to stir-fry, taco night with the option of black beans, hummus, and pasta with sauce that doesn’t have meat added.

      If anyone has other easy suggestions–especially with ingredients available in the rural Midwest–please let me know!

      • Anonymous

        I try to eat mostly plant-based for health reasons (but very similar to you I eat animal byproducts on holidays and when I’m with extended family). If, for some reason, I’m eating plant-based at a meal I haven’t prepared, I just kind of accept my meal is going to look different than it would if I cooked it. For example, when my family grills steak, my plate will be corn, potatoes, green beans and sliced tomatoes, and I usually try to take charge of cooking those items.

      • Bonnie

        Vegetarian chili with cheese, sour cream on the side. Grilled portabella for you and grilled meat/fish for the others with vegan sides. Make your own Mediterranean bowls with couscous, veggies, olives for you and chicken and feta cheese for others.

      • Senior Attorney

        Coming back to say I had two vegetarians for Thanksgiving and I did the following:

        Made the “stuffing” separately, with vegetable stock, so they could eat it.

        Had all kinds of veggie/vegan sides including:

        Sweet potatoes with coconut milk and red curry paste (delish — recipe from New York Times)
        Roasted Brussels sprouts with shallots
        Mac and cheese (you could do this with vegan cheese, I imagine)
        Corn on the cob
        Really good dinner rolls
        I did my mashed potatoes with dairy products but you can do them with just olive oil and salt and pepper (and rosemary, if you like) and they turn out delish

        Hope this helps!

      • Anonymous

        Thank you! I hadn’t thought about portabellas so I am sending that suggestion on to Mom too. I don’t have a good vegan chili recipe but I’ll start googling.

        I will likely end up eating animal products more than normal over the holidays and that’s going to be OK. Mom is really trying to accommodate my brother and I. She’s looking forward to learning how to cook tofu! I am bringing some hard-to-find-in-the-midwest ingredients (garam masala, ras-al-hanout, harissa, curry paste, miso paste, galangal) for Mom and I to experiment with. I think it’ll be a good bonding experience.

        • Digby

          I’m in the midwest (though not rural), and my Target has garam masala, harissa (only Mina mild, I think), curry paste, and a couple of quinoa options, so if there’s a Target nearby, that may be a resource for you.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks! Yes, there is a Target nearby though it’s 30 minutes further than her nearest grocery store which is already about 20 minutes away. I haven’t been back to my hometown in a few years (extended family lives in another part of the state) so I’m relying on Mom’s memory of what she sees on her grocery shelves. Her memory is probably not accurate because she doesn’t look for these things normally.

            I’m really just trying to make cooking without meat a little more fun and interesting for her by adding new flavors and ingredients. It might be too much but she loves to cook and hopefully it’ll be a distraction from feeling like she needs to make so much extra effort.

      • Walnut

        Can you order any key ingredients through Amazon or another online supplier and have them shipped to your Mom’s house?

        • Anonymous

          It’ll all fit into my checked luggage. I’m flying on Southwest so I’ll have plenty of space.

      • Anon

        Minestrone soup? Ham-and-beans (white northern beans) with cornbread, where you just don’t add the ham part? Spaghetti and meatballs where you don’t take a meatball? Make-your-own tacos where you don’t add the meat? I grew up in a similar area that requires meat to make it a meal (where yes, Mexican is “foreign”) but Italian seemed to be more accepted. Think Mediterranean/Italian and usually it’s pretty easy to adapt to be meatless and/or sub in some beans.

    • Anonymous

      I have sympathy for you, for sure. I live in Texas and my vegetarian/vegan friends are always being hassled about their diets. Even if it’s not ill-intended, it gets old (even for me!) hearing the same jokes and questions.

      My best friend is vegetarian and she just offers to make a couple dishes for family holidays. The last time they told her they’d have vegetarian dishes for her at Thanksgiving the only thing they made that she could eat was mashed potatoes. Everything else had been cooked with bacon, which the family didn’t consider problematic. Now she brings a dish or two for the group.

      It’s true, though, that even with well-meaning friends and family she often ends up at restaurants where all she can eat is from the sides menu or at hosted dinners where she’s stuck with a plate of cold vegetables.

      • I Hate Christmas

        Oh my god. I relate so much. Even pie crust is usually made with lard. Like is it really so hard to use shortening? Or to sautee veggies in oil not bacon fat.

        • Piggies in a blanket

          Shortening isn’t exactly healthy. I’d rather eat lard than shortening (I realize that’s not an option for you though).

          Pork-friendly omnivore here, but I would so enjoy a Christmas hummus bender.

    • Katie Nolan

      I think you’re being a bit obstinate here. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool carnivore who just spent Thanksgiving with my vegan sister. I also hate vegetables. And yet I ended up finding so many delicious vegan recipes that I didn’t even cook the fish I bought for myself until the weekend after. You can easily bring roast potatoes with rosemary, tomato-basil bruschetta, miso-glazed brussels sprouts, a potato-mushroom casserole, or a delicious kale salad with tahini-lemon dressing. These are all delicious sides that folks probably wouldn’t even realize were vegan unless you told them. It doesn’t have to be “raw carrots and broccoli” with a side of superiority unless you bring it.

      • I Hate Christmas

        Did you read my post at all? The host has forbid guests from bringing food. It insults her cooking (supposedly). I’d gladly bring my own meal, but the snark is strong with the hostess. “But what’s wrong with my potatoes” nothing, literally nothing, I just can’t eat them.

        • Anonymous

          It’s pretty clear they’d don’t want you at the event then, are you sure you still want to go? I’ve encountered the same and really enjoyed my alternative meal out with friends

        • Another anonymous judge

          Lol “forbid guests from bringing food.” This sounds like someone who has a lot invested personally in this dinner. I’m assuming that you want, on some level, to attend this event. If not, well, don’t attend and be thought “rude”. That is one of the privileges of adulthood.

          If there is something rewarding in this for you in attending, could you secretly gobble some lara bars (or equivalent – I’m not vegan so I can’t remember if they are) in the garage/laundry room/bathroom and drink copiously in between, thus not being hangry while munching on the raw broccoli and exclaiming how much you are “enjoying the event” and how much you “love everyone’s company” from time to time? Then you can secretly feel superior, or rewarded, whatever the case may be.

          People are funny/strange and sometimes you just have to make allowances or find a workaround if you want to spend time with them.

          • I Hate Christmas

            Long story short host was ill and subsequently unable to host events for a while NBD other people just hosted them. Host is now better and able to host events again. So the event is all about her. When other family hosted I was able and encouraged to feed myself.

    • Yup

      Can you bring a dish? I have a lot of vegan friends (apparently) and they bring “side dishes” that can be considered a vegan main dish. And then people get tricked into really liking them resulting in less judging and more concern about whether there will be something for the vegan people.

      I feel like non-vegan people’s biggest beef (haha) with vegans is they say it too much? Swoop in with a dish, hand the host a bottle of wine and see if you can help and then blend into the crowd. My friends have some good one-liners “It was this or cholesterol medicine I couldn’t drink on so cheers!”, a guy says “I miss the cheese but you won’t miss me having the cheese” yikes. I mean way to end that topic.

      Oh, once I saw them bring little cards with the recipes on them. I could see where if it’s for personal beliefs not health, it would be harder to sell but can’t it be both?

      PS my vegan parents both voted for Trump

    • Anonymous

      Can you bring a dish to share with everyone? Some recipes can be used as a side dish for meat-eaters and a full meal for you, like a vegetable casserole. One tip I recently picked up from a co-worker is to carry an individual packet of miso soup on your purse. ( https: // www .amazon. com/ AMANO-FOODS-miso-soup-10pc/dp/B00J5ARYQE/ref=lp_724734011_1_16_s_it?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1481133179&sr=1-16)
      It doesn’t take much space and you can just add boiling water to have a vegan soup ready. You can even bring a big pack like this to a party and give the satchets to other guests as a novelty item/dish

      My parents have recently gone semi-vegetarian, as in they try to minimize meat eating but not cut it out entirely and have found that it’s much easier to bring shareable novelty things (that happen to be vegetarian) than bring a vegetarian item. To a lot of people, it’s very important how you present things and what words you use. “Publicizing” an item a a foreign cuisine or a friend’s recipe tends to be better recieved than a vegab/vegetarian dish

  20. Email

    Just curious on what everyone thinks:
    What is your personal email policy? Zero inbox? Use “unread” as a to-do list? How do you keep things in control while remaining productive?

    • Anonymous

      Inbox is a to-do list of sorts – emails are kept there until they’ve either been responded to if they demand a response or until the task described in the email has been accomplished. Emails that have been dealt with are moved to subject-specific folders.

      • Anon

        +1 . Emails remain in my personal inbox until the task has been handled or the message has been replied to. I’ll then file them in specific or ‘archive’ them as necessary. I also leave my shipping confirmations from online shopping in my inbox until the items have been delivered.

    • Anonymous

      For my personal inbox (on gmail) I have a really good filter/label system set up. All of my email “sits” in my Inbox, but the labels also filter them into folders so that I can drill down into subcategories. I also use “Unroll Me” to minimize those daily subscription emails and keep them in one place. Don’t underestimate the value of not waking up to 24 emails from shopping websites! It always made me feel like I was starting my day “behind.” Now I roll them all into one email that comes midday and I peruse or delete at my discretion.

    • Laura B

      Zero inbox, although it only happens about once a month (but feels SO GOOD when it does!).

      I also have a goal to only read emails once and immediately take care of them, but that hasn’t been happening lately. All emails in the inbox are only there if they need a response for me; if I don’t have to do anything with them they get moved to a folder.

    • sg

      I use flags for emails that need to be responded to. I keep them in my inbox. I go through the inbox once a week to move things to folders or flag them to be responded to. I don’t leave any emails unread.

  21. MB

    Hive, help me try to figure out how to make my VW buyback/substitute car purchase work . . .

    I have a Jetta TDI that they will be buying back and I want to buy a Jetta Hybrid to replace it. I found a dealership near my parents’ house that has two used Hybrids that would work for me, assuming we can negotiate an agreeable price (I don’t need them to move too much off the current listed price and Car Gurus says both are currently Good Deals). The earliest you can schedule buybacks is two weeks out. Obviously, that means that either of the two used cars on the lot could be purchased between when I schedule my buyback and the actual appointment. That said, both cars have been on the lot for two months, so I am not too fussed about them both being purchased in the next two weeks. Anything can happen though.

    I will be paying for the new car with the money from the buyback – no financing. The dealership I’ve been communicating with is fine with holding my check for a few days while the EFT buy back payment clears.

    My concern is scheduling the appointment and then either there not being a Hybrid on the lot that day or not being able to come to an agreement on price.

    Here are what I see as my options and my concerns about those options:
    (1) Wait to negotiate what’s available until the day of my appointment and cancel my appointment if it doesn’t work out. This seems like the easiest assuming I can cancel the appointment without issue.

    (2) Buy the replacement car prior to the buyback with financing so long as there is no early pay penalty and pay off the loan immediately upon the EFT clearing. Problem with this is I am closing on my refi for my house in a week and a half, so I won’t finance any other purchase prior to closing.

    (3) Schedule a buyback near my house and drive a rental car until I find a Hybrid I like and cut a check. This costs me money, which annoys me as this issue was not caused by me.

    Am I missing another option? My brain is fuzzy today.

    • Anonymous

      Call the dealership, tell them what you want them to do, and ask them how to handle it.

    • Anon

      Most dealerships will take a dollar amount and hold a car. So like 200 for a one week hold. Just call them and ask their hold policy. Then you are guaranteed the car while waiting for the buy back to go through.

      • Tutti

        +1 A deposit should work. They want to move the car. They’ll likely understand the special circumstances you have as they are selling VWs themselves. You can call and inquire about the possibility of holding a car with a deposit without having to start the negotiation process.

    • MB

      Thanks all!! I have been emailing back and forth with their internet sales team to try to find a solution that works. I’ve explained my concerns and my constraints but they did not suggest a deposit/hold. I am waiting for them to come back to me on something, so if they don’t suggest a deposit/hold in that email, I will.

        • MB

          It’s all good, we got it sorted out with a deposit and a negotiated price we are both happy with via email. I talked to my credit union and the underwriters and because my assets have already been cleared and I am not bringing money to the table for closing, there is no issue with me paying cash for the car prior to settlement (it won’t create any debt for me). I can front half the deal by myself now and am borrowing some cash from my parents to get to the final price. The dealership will FedEx me the docs, then I can wire the money and the car will be mine a bit before my appointment. I will move the money back to my parents once the buyback funds clear.

          Thanks everyone!!

    • Laura B

      Ooh, good to know your dealership is scheduling buyback appointments in two weeks! I have a Jetta TDI that I’m anxiously awaiting being bought back. I’ve been researching for months and finally decided that I’m buying a Honda Civic. I’m basically doing a version of your #3, although I don’t have to rent because I’ll (unhappily) use DH’s huge truck.

      The conundrum I’m having is whether it’s wise to insist upon the rare color/trim I want (Honda Civic Touring in burgundy night pearl – so pretty) and lose all my bargaining power, or settle for a boring color.

      • Bonnie

        Go to a dealership that has multiple burgundy cars in stock and negotiate the price without mentioning the color. We picked our color after the haggling was already done.

      • MB

        Laura – you may already know this, but the earliest you can schedule is two weeks from the date you go online to do so. I got my acceptance letter or whatever today, and then immediately went online to book an appointment since I already had a few cars picked out that would work. All of the dealerships should be able to schedule buyback appointments now!

    • Anon

      You realize that the buyback price doesn’t change over time right? You can essentially get a “free” car for two years by waiting to sell back until the end of the buyback period. There is also a chance that VW will need to add sweetners to the deal if not enough cars have been sold back re: their deal with the EPA. There is essentially no financial downside to waiting.

      • MB

        Except that I care more about money and want to stop driving a car spitting out illegal amounts of NOx. Not everything is about money.

  22. Jdubs

    Any recommendations for a protein powder to be used in smoothies that I don’t have to buy through an MLM? Bonus if I can get it from Amazon!

    • Jane

      We love the one we use and it doesn’t have a bunch of artificial stuff in it. And not from an MLM. I have no idea what it’s called. I’ll do my absolute best to try to remeber to look this weekend and post here. Adding to my to do list now…

    • Lillers

      Promix Vanilla – it’s pricey but made with good stuff and doesn’t have any artificial sweeteners (if that’s important to you)

    • sombra

      myprotein impact whey protein, frequently goes on sale for like 55$ for 11lbs, very high quality, well reviewed, I buy the unflavored kind and it works really well and lasts forever.

    • Anon

      Tera’s Whey. Pricey but worth it. Available on Amazon (that’s how I get it).

    • nutella

      Idealshake – tastes better than other protein shakes I have tried, helps you feel full, 11g protein 1g sugars. I use cold vanilla flavored almond milk.

    • Anonymous4

      My doctor suggested SunWarrior – very reasonably priced, available on Amazon, vegan, and helped me lose 30 pounds.

      • CTAtty

        I LOVE SunWarrior. Both the original and warrior blends are good and they’ve added some new flavors recently. The Mocha is very good.

      • Anonymous

        +1, I like Optimum Nutrition which they sell at costco, is very reasonably priced and doesn’t taste like @ $ $.

  23. Anon.

    So I recently started a new job and was given a computer on my first day. The office rumor is that another coworker requested a new computer since his was running slow so they allotted my new computer to him and gave me his used one. It runs SO SLOW. I’m usually not one to complain about having the newest technology, but my job function is being impaired due to this. (Think 30+ seconds to open a 1 page PDF) I want to walk the line between being thought of as needy and complaining in my new job and being able to function. Do I ask for a new computer? Or just suck it up for a few months before I start complaining?

    • Anon

      Can yo ask it to look at it first? When I started a new job, my computer was super slow because my predecessor had secretly installed adobe creative suite on it (which the comp was not equipped for) which bogged it down. It looked at it, found the issue, wiped it clean, and it’s been super fast ever since

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Ask IT to come see it to see if it can be cleaned/unneeded stuff uninstalled/sped up. Then ask IT person what they suggest might help.

        Sometimes a few bucks of memory is all you need.

        We waste a ton of money at my work upgrading computers that are used for simple tasks.

    • anon

      Report the problem with the slowness ASAP. You’re not asking for a new computer, you’re asking them to fix a hardware problem (which may or may not require them to get you a new computer). If you wait, you risk (a) starting off on the wrong foot because your work product might suffer; and (b) making it seem like it’s nbd because you waited so long to complain.

      • anon

        Oh and if it makes you feel better, I had to do something like this when I started my new job. They gave me a computer with basically no RAM. I couldn’t draft anything because it would lag and miss half my sentence. IT initially suggested I should just have less stuff open; that it’s perfectly reasonable for me to not be able to use, for example, Word and Westlaw at the same time. I told them that’s not happening and I need a functioning machine. I think I initially reported the problem on my second day. No one thought less of me for it. I doubt the partners even knew.

  24. Anon

    Ughhhhhhhhhjj life has been crazy with literally a dozen medical appointments this week and I missed an ultrasound appointment this morning like a doofus. I realized a half hour late I had missed the appointment and called to apologize, pay a late fee, and reschedule, and the receptionist was so frosty and wouldn’t reschedule. She said she had to talk to the doctor to se if she’d still be willing to treat me.

    Ughhhhhh I know I f’d up, but I’m still frustrated.

    • Anonymous

      I would get a new doctor over something like that. If you’re regularly seeing that doctor, miss one appointment, call to reschedule and are willing to pay a late fee, there’s no reason for the staff to treat you dismissively. I’ve broken up with doctors over staff for less. There are just too many options for good doctors with good staff to waste time with bad ones.

      • Anonymous

        Don’t blame the Doc so soon for a policy likely set by management and delivered coldly by an uncaring receptionist.

        Call and ask to speak to th doc or nurse. Then reschedule. Accept you made a mistake and let it go.

    • rosie

      Do you otherwise like this doctor? It seems ridiculous to me that the receptionist wouldn’t reschedule you without talking to the dr. It was a mistake and you took responsibility, and mistakes happen. If they are worried about losing $$ on chronic appointment missers, they could have an escalating fee system, but not being willing to reschedule after 1 miss seems pretty unreasonable. I would call and talk to a dr. or nurse (and if you don’t like the dr. aside from this, I’d be looking for a new dr.).

  25. Jacquard

    I worry this question makes me gross, but I feel like this kind of fabric always gets *hair* stuck to/in it. Is that just me? I have dresses like the one posted here and I machine wash (gentle cycle) and hang to dry, and they always seem kind of …hairy.

  26. SD

    So… is Kate Spade totally played out? I’m new to the whole ‘having a personal style’ endeavor, so believe it or not I had never even heard of KS until last year. I like how classic but playful everything is, and so far the few things I’ve gotten are incredibly easy to wear and high quality. I’m thinking about buying a watch, but suddenly I’m seeing the brand EVERYWHERE. Like on any given subway car, I’ll see at least one person with a bag, sometimes more. Is this new? Does that mean it’s getting played out and diluted? Is it going to be “for secretaries,” as one Corporette post put it when describing Coach? Classist and snobby as that sentiment may be…
    I’m thinking about getting a watch next, but not if I’m going to not want to wear it in just a year or two.

    • Anonymous

      Kate Spade is the new Coach. I’m so sad about it because I really love their aesthetic.

      • Anon

        I’m always behind the curve. I’d like a new handbag, but I suspect whatever I pick wouldn’t still be cool. (Sigh…) What brands do you recommend now, if Kate Spade and Coach are behind the times, and I’m over my Michael Kors bag? I’d love something beautiful and gray and maybe even tasseled… but something that the more fashionable people at my workplace won’t judge harshly.

  27. anonymous

    I just want to give a shout out to the good men out there. My fiance just started business school part-time right around receiving a promotion at his full time job working in investments. Basically he doesn’t sleep – he gets to work at 630/7am, gets home around 9pm and then studies until about midnight because it’s exam season now.

    We got into a small argument two nights ago because in the 10 minutes he had to talk over dinner before he had to study, he brought up the election. I can do the socially appropriate thing with a cashier where I shake my head and sigh and say “I know, what a mess” and the election talk is over in 30 seconds, but I can’t with him because we talk about things and I want him to know what’s going on with me and vice versa. And for the last 3 weeks I have had a lot of emotions! I just feel like as a woman I am worth less and here was the proof. So I got upset because Pandora’s box of emotions opened for me and he had to get back to studying and it felt like he didn’t listen to me. (Yes, I know he cares, but I felt sad.) (Upon re-reading this, we have talked about this stuff before and he is supportive – generally about sexism and what feels wrong in the world, all during campaign season, on election night, and even since, but some cr@p news gets announced every day and it still feels like a nightmare three weeks out. Whereas for the last week he has been able to ignore the news because he is working crazy hours and studying for exams.)

    So last night he came home from work and said, “I’m sorry I cut you off last night; I shouldn’t have acted that way. I want to make time for you to talk. I want to listen to you.” And he sat and held my hand and hugged me and just listened to me. I am white and I will never know what it is like for my black guy friend walking around, and I will never know what it’s like for my Muslim friend to wear the hijab in public. All I can do is listen and support them and be mindful of their experience. My fiance will never know what it is like to walk around being a woman, but last night he listened and supported me.

    • Anonymous

      Part time b-school ends a lot of relationships because it is a huge time / life commitment. Kudos to you for supporting your fiance through this.

  28. Ashe

    I want that dress!! But how are you getting 40% off? It says no code but when I check out it’s full price…

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