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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 283 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Textured Collarless Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Red Blazer: Loft Textured Collarless BlazerOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Loft has a number of cute things right now, including this simple collarless blazer in red, white, and navy. (I'm also eyeing this fringe tweed blazer, and for more casual days, this floral dress.) I just read somewhere about how the collar is where you can tell the difference in quality in different jackets — so I suppose I'm not surprised to see more collarless blazers. But if you have to choose, look for collared blazers from fancier brands, and collarless blazers from more budget-friendly brands. At full price, this blazer is $98. Loft Textured Collarless Blazer Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Pots and Pans

    Please help me choose new pots: You all have convinced me that I need to replace my nonstick pots (all showing wear, all about 15-18 years old). I have been doing lots of research about what to buy instead, and it seems that stainless steel is very popular. I need to buy 2 sets of pots because I keep kosher (one set is for dairy food, one for meat).

    The best set up is to have the 2 sets of pot sets look different than each other so that they are easy to tell apart. Also, I’m not a fancy cook. I make lots of home cooked meals, but I’m not cooking custards or making chocolate, etc. I need a good pot set (times two) and I’d like it to last a long time, but paying for All Clad quality seems unnecessary (if you want to convince me otherwise, go ahead!).

    I’m considering a set of Williams Sonoma professional ceramic nonstick. What experience have you had with ceramic nonstick? It seems to create less of a health concern. Anything else you think I should know?

    For my other set I’m considering a Cuisinart set at BB&B. It has good reviews and The Sweet Home likes their 2qt pot a lot. (Thanks to the poster who mentioned The Sweet Home. It’s a great site!)

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom :)
    I’ll post links to follow.

    • marketingchic

      I’ve had a Cuisinart stainless set for almost 20 years now and still love it. I also have Calphalon hard anondized non-stick pans from their lower priced line at Target. I find that no non-stick lasts forever, so I prefer paying less for those and replacing every few years.

    • Cat

      After considering registering for “fancy” (All-Clad) cookware for our wedding 9 years ago, husband and I decided we weren’t about to become professional chefs and would rather go with a middle-of-the-road set from BB&B. We ended up purchasing a 12-piece “regular” (i.e., not non-stick) set (plus two non-stick frying pans) from Calphalon — it was about $300 – $400 total (less the BB&B 20% of course) IIRC.

      We needed to replace the frying pans by about year 6.5 (they were pretty beat up, coating starting to wear off which is not good), but the other pans are holding up very nicely. Is there a reason you want the whole set to be non-stick? Cleaning up after soups, sauces, pastas, etc. doesn’t seem too bad even with regular pots.

    • NYNY

      YMMV, but I only find nonstick useful in a saute pan to be used for eggs, fish, and pancakes. For other proteins, I prefer stainless for better browning, and I can deglaze the pan to clean it up and make sauce at the same time. I suppose everything I just listed is dairy or pareve, so you could just get one (or two if you want different sizes). I do have ceramic nonstick, and I love it. You can pre-heat the pan, which you shouldn’t do with older generation nonsticks, and it cleans up nicely. I haven’t had any problems with food sticking, either.

    • Anonymous

      I LOVE my ceramic pans. I use them way more than my stainless steel because they’re just easier to cook with and clean. I wouldn’t spend a ton of money on non-stick though, because it doesn’t last forever as stainless steel does.

    • Beginner cook

      Would these suggestions work for a beginner cook? I know I need to buy a complete set of pots.

      • Clementine

        Totally! Just as a tip, generally heavier pans mean that it will heat more evenly and be less likely to burn your food.

        I’d say you need a big stock/pasta pot, 2 saucepans (one big, one little), one nonstick (for eggs), one big saute pan, and one cast iron pan (really the best thing to cook most proteins in). Husband and I bought a set of stainless steel pots and pans (Cuisinart) 8 years ago when we were dating and first moved in- it was quite a commitment, but I’ve been happy with both the dude and the pans ever since.

      • Anonymous

        You definitely don’t need a complete set of pots! Sets often come with useless sizes.

      • Runner 5

        As a beginner cook, I’d recommend a stockpot type saucepan (choose one that can go in the oven and then you can use it for casseroles too), a large frying pan-saute pan with lid, a small frying pan, and a small saucepan.

        • Anonymous

          beware the handles if you’re looking for something that can go in the oven! as a beginner cook I made the mistake of putting a non-oven-save (because of the plastic handles) pan in the oven. it was a poisonous mess!

          • Runner 5

            Eek, scary! I have an all-metal stockpot from IKEA. Starting off casserole type dishes on the stovetop and then putting them in the oven to finish cooking is the best ever.

    • Bonnie

      We’ve had our Calphalon set for over a decade and it has held up really well. I’d stick to steel for regular pots and buy a ceramic saute pan.

      • Post and Pans

        This advice does make sense. But the problem I run into is trying to find 2 stainless steel sets that look different at a glance. Can you recommend any that look really different?

    • Baconpancakes

      Don’t get a set of pans. You don’t need two full sets of pans. Which pots and pans do you actually use for milk? Which ones do you actually use for dairy?

      Get the pans you need, one at a time. You need a big stainless steel saute pan, probably a deep simmering pan (ceramic would be good for this), and a smaller, cheap non-stick pan for things like eggs. For pots, you need a soup-sized pot, maybe a dutch oven, and a sauce-sized pot, and for those, you probably don’t need anything fancy – basically anything durable will work. If you’re not really into cooking, don’t bother with a Le Creuset – Lodge makes great dutch ovens and ceramic-coated pans in lots of colors (red for meat and blue for milk!). For the saute pan (and only the saute pan) I am absolutely on Team All-Clad. You know how eventually your pans always warp a little bit and rock on the burner? That doesn’t happen with All-Clad. You know how if a pan isn’t at exactly the right temperature, you can’t quite get a good brown on your chicken because it either burns or heats too slowly? Not a problem with All-Clad.

      If you do end up going with All-Clad for anything, my aunt (who always had to have the best of everything), marked her full sets of meat-dedicated All-Clad with red electrical tape wrapped around the end of the handle, away from the heat. It stayed on pretty well through the dishwasher.

        • jlg

          ditto this. i don’t keep kosher now but grew up in a kosher home. if i had to buy pots/pans now and was keeping kosher, I would get a cast iron skillet for meat, as well as a ceramic-coated dutch oven and a medium sized saucepan.
          for dairy i would get a stainless or carbon steel fry pan (good for eggs, veggies, fish), a large pot for cooking pasta (unless you’re big on making large batches of dairy soups/stews I don’t know why you’d need a dairy dutch oven), and a medium sized saucepan. if you eat a lot of fish with dairy i would consider getting another cast iron skillet — fish cooked in cast iron is amazing. there’s no reason you can’t use cast iron for veggies too, but steel is better for eggs IMHO.
          i would also get 2 half sheet size jelly roll type pans (not nonstick) for roasting veggies and broiling stuff (one each for milk/meat). these can also work for baking (though i keep separate cookie sheets too).
          also if you can’t find two different looks for your pots/pans, I would bet you can get a stretchy silicone band to mark them with different colors on the handles.
          good luck!

      • Ellen

        Yay Kat and Kate! I love this Blazer! And for $98, it is a great d’eal!!!!

        As for the OP, my Mom got me some VERY nice pots at Bloomie’s, which I have used to cook alot of different foods. I am NOT sure what the diference is between a “pot” and a “pan”, unless a “pan” is flatter and NOT as deep — like a Frying PAN. What other kind’s of PAN’s are there? But I agree NOT to get more pot’s and pan’s then you need. I have a whole cabinet full of them! But they look good whenever I bring a guy over to eat — tho the Wedding Chicken was a disaster. FOOEY!

        The manageing partner asked me if I could find a date to go to a formal Bar dinner he is speakeing at. I do NOT like formal dinner’s b/c that mean’s me haveing to buy a gown that look’s silly anywhere else. I am NOT a society girl, and do NOT have any place to wear these thing’s. I am goeing to ask the manageing partner if I can wear a nice suit, and then buy one on my clotheing allowance. What does the HIVE think? Does it realy matter if I wear a gown with an open back (Frank will NOT be there so I should be OK)?

        Myrna said she would like up a guy to be my date if I need one. The onley thing is those investement banker’s are always expecting that I bring them in afterward’s and they are NOT there to discuss global warming. FOOEY on those guy’s! I figure that if I can bring Myrna and a date, she can handel whatever guy she bring’s along, and that is onley 1 extra seat — which the firm is paying for a full tabel. I hope the manageing partner goe’s along with this b/c the last thing I need is for some schlub to unzip me and then start pawing at me late on a Saturday night. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I have the Cuisinart French tri-ply set, which is the same price as the one you linked to. It’s gorgeous and will last a lifetime. My husband and I are avid home cooks and have put our set through its paces in the last four years and it still looks great. I actually chose that set over the All-Clad because the handles on All-Clad are really uncomfortable to me (and the Cuisinart set is significantly less expensive). It’s a great buy

    • Meg Murry

      One word of advice about non-stick (or any pans, really) is to avoid using non-stick cooking spray like Pam on them. When I first heard this I thought it was just crazy talk from people trying to sell me expensive Pampered Chef oil misters, but it really is true – the additives in non-stick sprays build up over time and ruin your non-stick pans. I finally discarded our ruined previous non-stick pan and replaced it with a Calphalon one that is dishwasher safe and from Williams Sonoma and I love it.

      Instead of replacing your whole set at once, why not buy one pot/pan from a line and see if you like it or hate it first? The sets are technically a better deal than buying individually, but only if you actually want the sizes contained in the set – I often find that most sets contain at least one size I will never use, and are missing at least 1 size I wind up buying separately.

      Last, rather than buying completely different sets, what if you color coded your kitchen? You can use a little bit of Sugru on the handles of pots, pans, utensils, etc – one color for meat and another for dairy. Here is one link, but you can find more examples if you google “sugru pots pans”
      http://www.instructables.com/id/Sugru-Spoon-Rest/

    • R in Boston

      I am a total evangelist for Swiss Diamond pans. They are non-stick, but the coating isn’t teflon or anything else that is bad for you if it ever flakes off. It is teeny tiny diamond dust (surface is basically like a nail file). You can use metal utensils on them, put them in the oven, things brown pretty well for a non-stick and they clean up really, really easily. I have a large and a small saute pan and they have both stood up to really heavy use well. They are magical and everyone should have some. Love, love, love them.

    • Anon

      You could do one set of regular stainless and one set of the copper bottom stainless so you could easily tell the difference. However, I prefer ceramic and find stainless hard to cook on. I probably would figure it out if I used it more, but when I go cook at my mom’s house I am always making a mess of the pans.

    • Cast Iron

      Can I recommend some cast iron for meats that you either fry or braise? I have the chicken cooker (deep fry pan + lid) from Lodge that I want to marry. I have a Dutch oven, but it is very heavy (but also very, very good) that I use all winter long.

      [OMG — have just come to the realization that most of my gravy is not Kosher b/c I am liberal with the butter. Will have to figure out how to make Kosher gravy.]

          • Meg Murry

            Yes, use chicken or turkey fat in place of butter. You can also use some olive or coconut oil. Not lard, lard is from pigs.

            I have a family member that can’t have dairy at all, so any time we roast a chicken or turkey, I save the juices. Strain them in to a bowl and leave in the fridge overnight. The fat will separate and come to the top. Scoop off the fat and freeze the fat and juices separately. I freeze them in mason jars in pre-measured amounts. Then I use the frozen fat to make roux, and the juices to make the gravy.

            The excellent part about doing it this way is that I can pull the frozen fat and juices from last time out while the current chicken or turkey is roasting, so the gravy is already done when the bird is done – no frantically making gravy while everyone else is ready to eat.

          • Anonymous

            That’s what I was thinking of. Not sure how easy that is to find in the SE US.

      • Anonymous

        You can use cornstarch as a thickener, but be forewarned that it doesn’t taste as good as butter.

    • Annie

      I got a 10-piece set of stainless steel cuisinart pans for my wedding 5 years ago, and I love them, they are great. The only pan that I added was a 12-inch skillet because I didn’t think the 10 inch was quite big enough for some applications. These were relatively inexpensive and have held up relatively well.

      The only other pans we have that we use are a 12-inch non stick skillet (T-Fal from Target – best buy from Cook’s Illustrated!) and a Le Creuset Dutch Oven. The non-stick skillet is mostly for eggs and grilled cheese. The Le Creuset is for everything, and is potentially my favorite kitchen item.

    • Fishie

      I bought a Cuisinart non stick porcelain at Home Goods a few weeks ago for about $20 and I love it.

    • lslslsl

      I loved it in store, but I didn’t like it really when I tried it on. It looks pretty casual (well it’s Loft) but the cut wasn’t very slim which didn’t work on my pear shape. I can see it working on a different body type with a patterned top and dark jeans, but sadly it’s not for me.

      • Opal

        Same. Definitely coral, not red. Still a pretty color, though I was afraid the fabric will wrinkle really easily.

      • KT

        Oh thanks for flagging! It looked like a nice blue red on my monitor, which is flattering for my skin tone. Peachy/orangey reds are not!

  3. Jules

    I posted last week about the search for a good basic, dressy V-neck tee, and others were looking for blouses with sleeves. I’m still looking for the unicorn tee (and waiting for the Boden Ravello to come back in black) but did find a decent blouse, v–neck with a small pleat detail and 3/4 sleeves at AT this week.

    http://www.anntaylor.com/matte-jersey-v-neck-top/387657?skuId=20345549&defaultColor=1246&colorExplode=false&catid=cat70008

    The fit is flattering (although I don’t love a shirt-tail hem) and the fabric is nice although I would not call it matte jersey; it’s more a mid to heavy weight crepe. Three colors (although the grapefruit looked horrible on me) and a black and white polka dot that I might have to go back for.

    It’s now only $24 on sale and with the 40% off code, but unfortunately it’s final sale, which it was not on Friday. :(

    • TO Lawyer

      That’s cute! I have to go make an exchange at AT so I may check this out today! Thanks for sharing

      • Jules

        Cute! But the lack of a V-neck and the dolman sleeves will probably make bug-busted me look dumpy. :(

        • OP

          I don’t know why they’re called dolman sleeves because they look like regular short sleeves to me. I’m big busted too and I’m wearing it today and I think it looks flattering, but YMMV.

    • Anonymous

      Wow – I like this blouse. I always appreciate posts for exactly what you are looking for – 3/4 sleeved, work appropriate shirt/blouse.

      Since it is final sale, and the crazy sizing at AT is something I haven’t visited in awhile….. any recs on how it fits/size?

      • Jules

        Maybe slightly large. I’m a busty 12-14 with a small frame/shoulders and T-rex arms, and the AT Petite L tops generally fit me well. The grapefruit color in this one seemed just the tiniest bit more snug across the bust than the black one. It’s a bit loose fitting (although almost everything that fits me in the bust is a bit loose elsewhere).

        For comparison, my tees from LE are usually petite L but from BR I generally need an XL.

    • KT

      Check out Talbots platinum jersey stand vneck.

      Gorgeous range of colors, comes in long and 3/4 sleeves, and a narrow v that is flattering without being revealing. I’m bust and I can’t even wear scoopnecks without it being revealing, and the talbots vneck is awesome

      • Jules

        Thanks, I will check this out. I have a similar one from Talbot’s from a couple of years ago that I liked but it was a bit big (with the next size down too small, boo Talbot’s), then I lost some weight and it is way too big. I’ll check out the current ones!

    • Pale Olive

      Jules- Was looking at ordering the grapefruit color. Would you mind telling us what your skin tone is? Do you have pink or olive undertones? Don’t want to order something that will wash me out!

      • Jules

        I’m fair skinned, probably pink undertones, dark hair, green eyes. The grapefruit is on the salmon side of pink and it was kind of that it made me looked washed out, kind of that it jus wasn’t super-flattering. (“Horrible” might have been an exaggeration.)

  4. Anonymous

    You know what isn’t helpful? Why guy you are trying to stop crushing on randomly calls to ask you out to dinner. And then a week later calls just to chat.

    Dudebrojerkface if you don’t want to date me, stoppppppp!

    • January

      Agree, not helpful. But you can help yourself out, too! Does he know you are crushing on him? Are you trying to stop crushing on him because he’s already turned you down or is otherwise unavailable?

      It’s up to you whether you tell him about your crush, BUT you don’t have to make yourself available for mind games. Don’t accept the dinner invitation. Don’t be available to chat. If he asks why you’re less available, you can choose how honest you want to be with him about why.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Ummmm, or you could just stop seeing him/answering his calls/going on dates with him if he’s already told you he doesn’t want to date you?

      Going on a date is not a thing that is inflicted on you by a man – it’s a thing you can decide to do, or not, as you prefer, and dude’s preferences on the subject are mostly irrelevant.

      I get why your situation is frustrating, but honestly? It’s also entirely within your control. Choose to control your own dating life, and stop taking calls from dudes who aren’t that into you.

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t go to dinner with him, and I didn’t take his call! I’m doing my part of not doing this but it’d just be nice if it were easier, ya know? Like when you’re on a diet it’s hard enough not to buy ice cream but then someone just slides it into your fridge.

  5. Sheets

    Ok….. now be honest.

    How often do you wash your sheets?

    Or maybe, how often do you wash your sheets if you are single…. with no partner…

    Thanks.

    • Anon

      Ideally every week (I love clean sheets), but often stretch to 2 since we don’t have in-unit laundry and laundry is a big hassle. I’ll do every week if we ever have our own washer and dryer.

    • Anonymous

      Once every two weeks. They start to feel less than clean toward the end of week 2, though.

    • Baconpancakes

      Two weeks when I’m not sharing my bed with anyone when it’s winter and I’m wearing a full set of pjs to bed. Otherwise, particularly in un-air-conditioned summer heat, one week.

    • Anonymous

      Probably only every 3 months on average. I’m married but we sleep in separate beds (no marriage problems, we are just physically uncomfortable sharing a bed). I don’t sweat much at night so I feel like the sheets don’t get too gross. When my husband shares my bed then I have to wash them much more regularly.

    • cbackson

      Every two weeks (because that’s how often my cleaning lady comes). She swaps them out for clean ones and tosses them in the laundry basket, and I wash them.

      I travel a lot so they could probably go longer without being washed, tbh.

    • Anonymous

      Also single with no partner, and I’m religious about changing them once a week. I love clean sheets and I’m a bit of a neat freak.

    • Anon3

      I sleep in a queen size bed by myself. I sleep on one side for a week, then the other side for a week. Every other Monday I change the sheets.

    • Anonymous

      My housecleaner changes my sheets every 2 weeks. When it was my responsibility, it was somewhere around that frequency because it was on my rotating list of chores, but tbh I skipped that one sometimes because sweeping the kitchen floor seemed like a better use of my time. I shower before bed, so I don’t feel like my sheets get that dirty — but I do love the feel of fresh sheets.

      Tip: Have at least 2 sets of sheets, preferably 3. One for your bed, one in the laundry, and one in the linen closet for when you want some fresh sheets.

    • JJ

      Once a week. But I seriously look forward to the day each week when I exfoliate, shave my legs, and know I’m going to sleep on clean, new sheets. It’s the little things…

    • Anonymous

      yay for anonymity! I love the smell of clean sheets, but changing every four weeks is probably close to reality for us. We are both working, and life is too short to do laundry every day.

    • meme

      Every 2 weeks when cleaning service comes. I love clean sheets and would prefer every week, but can budget the time and laundry load. I have kids and did manage once/week when it was just one bed and no kiddos to occupy my weekend time.

    • Anonymous

      Less often now I live with my SO. I used to change them every two weeks when I lived alone, though less often once my SO and I got together and I started spending most weekends and a few nights a week at his place.

      My SO can go way longer than I can without changing sheets, but he also likes to sleep with an extra sheet between him and the duvet so the duvet cover doesn’t need cleaning so often because there’s no human contact. I’m trying to stick to changing the sheets and pillow cases every two weeks though and we’re getting a cleaner soon so my plan is for the cleaner to do it so it gets done regularly.

    • Meg Murry

      No specific time, but probably not as often as I should. However, I have many pillowcases and I probably change the pillowcase once a week or possibly even more often, because I care most about whether the thing touching my face is clean.

      And a +1 to having multiple sets of sheets (at least 2, preferably 3) so you can strip one set and immediately re-make the bed while the dirty ones are in the washer. I hate being ready to fall into bed and them realizing/remembering that the sheets are downstairs in the dryer.

    • Maddie Ross

      In my perfect world, once a week (actually, in my true “perfect world”, I would have clean sheets every night because sliding into clean smelling sheets is the bomb). Realistically, once every two weeks when our maid comes.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      How often do I wash my sheets or how often do I change them? Because those are two separate questions. I have 3 sets of sheets. I try to change them every weekend, but sometimes it’s every two weeks. Now, when do I get around to washing the dirty ones once I’ve changed them? Like once a month.

      • Anonymous

        Same. Also apparently I’ve been living under a rock because I never knew people changed less than weekly before! Not a neat freak about the rest of the house but sheets are changed weekly for sure.

      • anne-on

        Ditto. I also wash the bath mats weekly too which apparently is baffling to my in-laws/husband.

    • Anonymous

      When I was single, every 3-4 weeks. I shower right before bed though. I change them more often now because my H sweats on them.

    • Zelda

      Every 1-2 weeks when I had a cleaning service. Every 2-3 weeks now that I don’t.

    • lucy stone

      In a perfect world, every week. In a married to a small business owner in his busy season and being a lazy pregnant lady land, every two to three weeks.

    • Carrots

      Once a month – I use my BCP packs as a reminder to change them once I switch to a new pack. It’s a handy little reminder that I use for putting in new contacts too.

    • Jitterbug

      I’d love to say I put new sheets on every week, realistically it’s every other week or when they start to feel gross. If I have a man spend the night with me, I usually change my sheets right after. If I’m anticipating a sleepover with a gentleman, I may change my sheets before if they’re not fresh.

      I have three sets of sheets, I wash them once two are dirty, so I always have at least one clean set on hand.

    • Jordan

      Every other week worst case scenario. Usually every week though especially if the dog comes up in the bed.

    • Anonymous

      Once a week. I change my bed on Friday night and wash my sheets on Saturday. If my SO is in town, I might wait until he leaves.

  6. Anon

    Poll: does anyone else not really enjoy s3x?

    I only started having it six months ago, when I got married, and I know I’m still adjusting to it, physically. But I really just don’t enjoy the sensation. I much prefer other , less invasive, activities. So, I’m giving it time. But I’m curious about other women.

    • anon

      I enjoy it as a bonding activity even if I don’t get off. But, I suggest using a vibra*or during the act. I guarantee you’ll love it. Thankfully my bf is totally cool with it although I imagine some guys would be threatened.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you’re not engaging in enough foreplay. If he just sticks it in without warming you up, it definitely hurts. Ask him to start with the non-invasive activities and you decide when he puts P in V, not him.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s fine to prefer other activities to P-I-V, but since you said you’ve only been having s3x for six months (and it’s unclear how much prior s3xual experience you’ve had), I’ll at least ask a few questions that might help you enjoy P-I-V more. (I probably shouldn’t presume it’s P-I-V in the traditional sense… but I don’t think my questions would necessarily be different if you are married to a woman and engaging in penetrative activities)

      Are there certain positions you enjoy more? Missionary may not be the most physically stimulating or comfortable for you, and you may want to try positions where you are in control of the depth and speed.

      Do you solo? Sometimes soloing can help you figure out what it is that makes you enjoy some activities over others. It could be purely physical. It could be your comfort level or the feeling of intimacy.

      Are you engaging in sufficient for3play? It’s possible that you aren’t quite “ready” when you start and that is making it less comfortable.

      When it comes to s3x, I think it can be really hard to vocalize preferences or ask for some flexibility to figure out what works, but working toward that level of communication in the bedroom will improve communication outside of the bedroom, as well as your feelings of intimacy toward your partner.

    • Anonymous

      I love it now, but it took me a while to feel into it. Several months at least when I first started. I think waiting for marriage is a recipe for a rocky start. You’re doing all the stuff the rest of us drunkenly stumbled through on our own pace all at once with the added pressure of sex having taken on outside importance and knowing it’s only this person forever. Tbh some guys I just don’t like having sex with, and I wasn’t able to tell that until we started doing it. You’re probably not particularly interested in trying another partner, but it might help.

      We all have different sexual experiences, and you aren’t the only woman to not like penetration. But by and large, yes, straight women at least enjoy p-in-v sex with a good partner even if it isn’t the best way for them to orgasm.

      • Ok A Little Anon for This

        Yes, I absolutely don’t orgasm just from PIV. But it’s still fun!

    • cbackson

      There is a lot to s3x beyond p-in-v, and I think for many women, that’s not their favorite aspect of it. If you have a sense of what you like other than p-in-v, I think it’s just about you and your partner learning how to incorporate your preferred physical activities into your intimate life together. If you don’t have a sense of what you like, solo exploration will help you get a sense of that.

    • Ok A Little Anon for This

      No, but honestly, if you’ve waited until marriage to do it, you probably don’t know a) how to do it, and b) what you like.

      It took me FOREVER to realize that it was a completely different game when I was turned on before starting instead of trying to catch up in the middle. Having more fun during the LGPs increased my appetite for gardening, and finally having a partner I’m stupid in love with who figured out exactly what works for me and is 100% equal-opportunity when it comes to pleasure means that now I get turned on just waking up in bed next to him.

      Talk to your husband. Tell him you want him to focus on the things you like, and move slowly. You’ve got the rest of your lives together! No need to rush. And if you don’t like something, SAY SOMETHING. This is a partnership. You shouldn’t be doing anything you don’t like. And he’ll like it way more if you’re having a good time, too! The foolproof formula for me is him focusing on me for a while, me focusing on him for a while, doing the “LGP” part, then him finishing me off. If you communicate, make sure you’re “ready” before you start, and work together to make this fun for the both of you, it’ll be amazing.

    • Anon

      Not sure how much you two were fooling around up to the point of s*x before marriage. My now husband and I started dating as teenagers and waited years to actually do the deed and it was definitely awkward for a while to get the timing down from just making out (plus) to completing the act. The more often you do it, the more natural it becomes.

    • Anonymous

      Good advice from other commenters, I just wanted to add – don’t let your husband make you feel bad for not enjoying sex. Most women don’t orgasm from PIV. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure at sex, it just means you need to communicate and figure out what feels good to you.

      • J-anon

        But also–“not enjoying sex” is not the same thing as not having an orgasm from PIV sex. Plenty of women do not have orgasms from PIV (or at all) and still ADORE sex, including PIV.

        And also, have you tried lube? Seriously, try it. It’s a game changer.

    • Anon

      Quick note since I’m in a meeting – it’s 110% okay to not like s*x. Many women don’t (and why should they? It can be very painful and carries unique harms for women). Please don’t let anyone pressure you into liking it or “trying harder” to like it. You’re fine the way you are!

        • Anon

          It’s not, actually, unless you think that it’s a good thing for women around the world to just put out and shut up instead of being able to say no to something they don’t enjoy. You really need to examine why you think it’s not okay for a woman to not like s*x. Do you think that she should put her own needs aside to keep a man happy? Where would you draw the line – if she experiences absolutely excruciating pain or has no access to birth control, would you say it’s “false” for her to not like it?

          • Anonymous

            It’s false that many women don’t like sex. It’s false that it carries unique harms for women. No, I don’t think she should put up and put out, I think she should explore her body and try different things and figure out how to make it enjoyable.

            This poster doesn’t say she is experiencing extreme pain or is worried about birth contro, but if she did have those concerns seeing a doctor would be a good step.

            And please. Let’s not pretend I’m giving advice to a woman subsisting on a dollar a day in Sudan here.

          • Anon

            I don’t think my comment went through, but let’s just say Anonymous at 11:03 is probably a men’s rights activist. Disgusting.

          • Anonymous

            Ummm no I’m not a MRA. I just think sex is by and large good, and most people like it, and she should work on liking it because it’s fun and giving up on one of life’s great pleasures after 6 months is sad.

          • Anon

            Kudos that you find PIV to be “one of life’s great pleasures.” OP doesn’t. Deal with it.

          • Anonymous

            She ASKED our thoughts. Mine is sex is fun, normal people enjoy it, and maybe keep trying. You deal with it.

          • Anon

            So women who don’t enjoy it are “abnormal?” I’m having a lot of trouble believing you aren’t a troll – an extremely anti-women one.

            OP, do whatever works for you and whatever you WANT to do, whether that’s PIV, no PIV, no s*x at all, or anywhere in between. Any man who pressures you to do otherwise is not worthy of your time.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, I do think not liking sex is abnormal. Not a troll. He isn’t pressuring her, according to her comment.

          • Anon

            Anonymous at 11:30, check out the link from factcheckme and educate yourself. You shouldn’t go through life being that misogynistic.

          • Anonymous

            Different Anonymous, but LOL to linking to a wordpress blog called “factcheckme,” haha, still a wordpress blog no matter what you name it!

          • Anon

            You can dismiss it if you want, but your mind would be blown if you read it. I highly encourage it so all women can obtain a more nuanced perspective on whether s*x is a good, neutral, or negative thing. There are plenty of other articles from other sites available, but this is a great place to start.

          • Completely Different Anon

            Okay Anon is bonkers. It is not anti-women to suggest that there are ways to go from unenjoyable to enjoyable. It is not trolling to say experimenting can be good and fun. You don’t have to be a men’s rights activist to know that with a supportive partner, there are often ways to change how you feel about it.

            I am a woman. I have gratifying, toe-curling sex with a partner who is crazy about me. I have had terrible, unpleasant encounters with people who were less experienced, less selfless, or less connected.

      • KT

        What? No. If it’s painful or harmful, you’re doing it wrong and need a more supportive partner.

        *Or need to see a doctor–there are medical conditions that can make it painful, but most can be cured.

        • Anonymous

          Or you have endometriosis, fibroids, or a variety of OBGYN chronic diseases that are woefully under-researched (projecting, obviously). Sex can be painful even with the most supportive of partners.

      • Madame Ovaries

        “and why should they?”

        I have a problem with this. You don’t get to cheerlead someone for not liking s#x and then discount the fact that other women do.

        It’s totally OK not to like s#x. But it’s also healthy and normal to explore the reasons you don’t like it, and, if you choose to, make efforts to resolve those reasons. Anon at 10:59 is putting words in people’s mouths and attributing positions to them that they didn’t take. Not cool.

        • Anon

          I’m Anon at 10:59. I totally support women finding other ways to explore and enjoy s*x, but I think it’s also important to clarify for the OP that she doesn’t HAVE to “find a way” to make PIV work if she just plain doesn’t like it. She didn’t say she really wanted to find a way to make PIV work – she said she liked other things better and wanted perspectives. My perspective is that it’s great to explore what makes you feel good, but to her, it sounded like PIV isn’t in that category and she shouldn’t feel like it has to be. If she wanted to extend that to not exploring ANY s*xual activity, that would be okay too. As a group, I think women can be far too quick to discount the idea that it’s okay to say no to any kind of s*x. Not all women want to have s*x and that’s totally fine!

          • Anonymous

            But OP also said that she’d only been having sex for 6 months. So the comments are suggesting that it’s possible (but not certain) that her dislike is associated with her inexperience. No one is saying she has to find a way to make it work. Like literally no one. I sincerely don’t think there are any regular contributors who would suggest OP *has* to explore s3xual activity. But frankly, I think that’s true for men and women. Not all people want to have s3x and that’s totally fine. But absent physical or psychological reasons for abstaining from s3x, it’s worth exploring whether there are pleasant ways for you to engage in s3x (in whatever form you and your partner want to engage in).

          • Anonymous

            It’s not totally fine to decide you don’t want to have any kind of sex unilaterally when you are married.

          • Anon

            I disagree that “no one” is saying that. It’s really harmful for women to get messages that they are “abnormal” for not liking PIV, which you can see above.

            I agree with your post completely otherwise. It sounds like what OP is likely looking for is permission/tips to explore other ways to get pleasure, and that’s great.

          • Anonymous

            I’m anonymous at 12:06. I think there’s a difference between people suggesting OP “has to make it work” and saying OP is “abnormal” if she doesn’t like penetrative s3x. No one is suggesting she has to find a way to do it. And I think the commentor who suggested it’s “abnormal” was really trying to respond to your suggestion that “many women don’t like it (and why should they).” Regardless, it’s not beneficial to the conversation to call it normal or abnormal to enjoy s3x, and it’s unfortunate that word got used, but ultimately I think we can all agree that most of suggestions have come from a place of respecting women and a woman’s right to control what she engages in with her own body.

    • A.non

      Only about 1/3 of women climax regularly from P-I-V. Other activites that work for you ar just as valid and important when you are focused as gardening as a part of social bonding rather than planting seeds.

    • A.non

      Is your husband under 40 or so? If that is the case, he could be very influenced by watching gardening videos starting in his formative years, which compares to life the way a high-speed chase in a movie compares to daily commuting. Hopefully you are willing to explore what works, instead of expecting to copy the video and feel disappointed if it doesn’t feel great.

    • Anan

      I know this may be unforgettable awkward, but have you and hubby considered doing research? If you can stomach it, there are a ton of somewhat SFW (as in, using fruit instead of body parts) videos and literature out there in the world that are good for ideas if you’re not sure where to start in during out what works.

      For what it’s worth, despite years of s*x with various people, it wasn’t enjoyable until recently, when I met my current SO — I’m so much more comfortable trying and exploring stuff with him and it’s made a huge difference

    • OP

      Thanks for the comments. My husband is good to talk to. We’re getting a small toy to use during. It does hurt a little, just at first, but that’s probably from being new.

      Really, I don’t enjoy the pressure sensation. It makes me feel like I need to use the bathroom! I want to have a few kids in a few years, which is the biggest reason I want PIV to work. DH has trouble finishing, because he’s concerned with making sure I am comfortable. So yeah, I think I just need time and some battery assistance.

      If it wasn’t for wanting kids, I probably would avoid PIV. I know lots of women love it, and maybe I will one day, too. We’ll see!

      I do appreciate the debate about women and PIV.

      • Batgirl

        You should also definitely try different kinds of lubr1cation! That can make a huge difference!

        • ALX emily

          And go to the bathroom right before (like, within 10 minutes) even if you don’t feel like you have to go!

      • Anonymous

        I’m late to this, but I don’t particularly enjoy it. I mean, it’s not unpleasant, I just don’t really need it for the most part. Toys make it better (and alcohol…), but I could pretty much take it or leave it.

        • Anonymous

          I have several close girlfriends, all in great married relationships, and they all agree with me that six is not that great. It’s fine, but I could also take it or leave it. I feel like everyone has been insinuating you’re crazy for not enjoying it, so just wanted to make sure you know that you’re not alone.

      • anon

        Late to the party here but just wanted to say DH and I were brand-new to the LGP when we married and it took some time for me to really enjoy the P-I-V. Four years later, and I’m a yuuuuge fan. Just wanted to say you’re totally within the realm of normal and healthy! There are a lot of great suggestions here to help make more fun happen. Good luck!

      • cbackson

        So one thing on the “pressure” sensation…if it makes you feel like you need to pee, sometimes that can be a symptom of a UTI. It’s possible to have a low-grade UTI linger for a LONG time, so keep an eye out for symptoms!

        Also, you might want to take a look at the book “Come as You Are,” which has a lot of good scientific information and cultural analysis stuff about women and s*x (and is very funny). One thing I learned, which really helped me, was that it’s VERY common for women to be mentally turned on but not physically, erm, ready to party in a PIV sense. Lube helps with that, and it sounds like it might help your situation a little bit too. It sounds like you and your husband are approaching this as a team, which is awesome – and ultimately, so long as you two are in sync in terms of what you’re doing in the bedroom, that’s what matters.

        • Anonymous

          Thank you so much for the book suggestion! Not the OP, but in a similar situation, and I ordered this book. My SO and I have been searching for a book on this topic, and it seems like this is just the ticket.

  7. Anonymous

    Ladies, where do you stock up on cute crew-length socks for the weekend? No wool. I don’t want to spend $10/pair (Jcrew). More like $5. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Gap used to sell crew socks in tons of fun colours and patterns but I haven’t seen any there in awhile (at least here in Canada, maybe their stock is different in the US). I’ve had some pairs for years and they’ve held up really well.

    • Parfait

      I buy just about all my socks at Ross, TJMaxx, and places like that. They often have quite nice options. Granted, this means I have like 5 different styles of black socks. Sometimes when we are folding laundry, I envy my BF who has one style of socks in 3 colors.

  8. maid

    This is a really silly question, but whatever.

    My boyfriend and I are on slightly different timelines for moving in/marriage/kids/etc. It’s my instinct to be nurturing, so sometimes I struggle not to act too “wifey.” E.g., I often send him home with leftovers, help him clean, run a little errand for him, etc. He doesn’t seem to mind or be scared by this behavior, but sometimes I feel like it’s a little too much. Does that make any sense?

    At the same, he often does nice “husbandly” things for me. He’ll help with handy stuff around my apartment, watch my dog when I’m away, run an errand for me. I like it when does these things and it makes me feel loved.

    He has two dogs and his large house is absolutely utterly covered in dog hair. I hate it, but there’s not much I can do beyond have a lint brush on hand. His mom is coming to stay with him this weekend, and he keeps saying how he needs to vacuum. I am always bragging about the wonders of my Dyson, and half-joked to bring it to his house and vacuum for him. (Weird aside, I love to vacuum). He’s now taken me up on this offer (he has a crappy vacuum he hates to use) and said I could come do it tonight. It would mean hauling my heavy vacuum from my apartment to his house, a 20-minute taxi ride away. I also offered to let him just borrow the vacuum, but he said he’d be nervous about breaking my $500 favorite toy.

    To be honest, I wouldn’t mind doing it at all – in fact, it would thrill me to do something about the dog hair. At the same time, bringing my vacuum to his house and doing his chores seems a little intense/Stepfordy/overbearing.

    Yes, I am overthinking. More curious on what others think in general on this. Do you feel the need to set domestic boundaries like this?

    • Anonymous

      I’m nurturing too and often do little thoughtful things in relationships like you mentioned, so I get that. But he can do his own damn vacuuming. Girl, come on. It’s not your job to clean up for his mom. You don’t even live together! “I don’t know how to do it/I don’t want to break your vacuum” is a classic excuse.

    • cbackson

      I have not advice on this topic, but I really like vacuuming. And I hate basically all other domestic tasks.

      I also like mowing the lawn, which is like the outdoor version of vacuuming, so I guess there’s just something about that type of activity that I find soothing…

      • Baconpancakes

        You guys want to come do my floors? I find dusting baseboards super satisfying, so I’ll trade that.

      • October

        It’s funny how people have such different reactions to housework…. I HATE vacuuming. But I LOVE doing laundry (and look forward to laundry day every week :) My other least favorite, most-procrastinated chore is cleaning the tile shower.

        • Jordan

          I loathe folding laundry. But I love doing the dishes and organizing. Vacuuming I would definitely trade.

          And I don’t think your crazy OP. Go vacuum for him. As long as you are offering because you truly want to help and won’t be resentful later, go vacuum. My sister loves vacuuming.

          If he guilted you into it or you were only offering because you thought you *should* then I would say it’s a little stepford. But it sounds quirky and funny to me.

    • Anonymous

      You do you, but I’m no man’s maid. I will absolutely help out, but unless you want a lifetime of this crap why? And why are you calling these things wife or husband behavior? That’s mad weird. If you want to do this have fun being a guy you aren’t married to, aren’t living with, and aren’t engaged to’s maid, but dont delude yourself that being a servile doormat is bringing you closer to wifedom.

      I’d call back and say “actually this is a ton of work, changed my mind, sorry.” Do you want to date a man or raise one?

    • Anonymous

      He needs to buy his own vacuum. And use it.

      Or let his mom vacuum when she visits.

      Or hire a cleaning service to clean his house.

      This is not your responsibility or burden. It’s something he’s capable of doing for himself.

      And you should not have to haul a $500 heavy piece of equipment on a 20-minute cab ride and then have him watch you clean his house for his mother.

      But I’m not saying this because I think doing it would be “intense/Stepfordy/overbearing.” I’m saying this because I think it’s unreasonable to have someone go to this trouble for something you can do yourself very easily.

      • Meg Murry

        At a bare minimum, make him come over and help you haul the vacuum on the cab ride. He wants the vacuum at his place? He can help haul it.

        Or you can take him shopping to help him pick out a less crappy but not $500 vacuum. Or a roomba (we looooove our roomba).

        If you are actively staying at each other’s places, I don’t see the problem with helping out with chores together. But you don’t need to be his mother or maid – no problem with you cleaning up in one room while he does another chore, but you shouldn’t get in the habit of cleaning for him while he relaxes or is working.

        • Senior Attorney

          This. He needs to have some skin in this game, which at a bare minimum is hauling the vacuum and paying for the cab ride.

        • Diana Barry

          +1. When I started dating my DH I made him buy a vacuum, sponge, and dish liquid. I then happily vacuumed the foot-long dust bunnies in his apt. But I wasn’t about to haul my own vacuum over to his place!

    • Anonymous

      You’re overthinking big time, in my opinion. Helping each other out, even if that sometimes means with mundane chores/errands, isn’t necessarily “husbandly” or “wifey”. If my boyfriend is going to the grocery store and knows that I need something, he’s likely to pick it up because he’s kind and considerate.

      HOWEVER It does seem ridiculous that you’d be lugging a vacuum across the city. My concern is less that you’re overbearing and more that he’s an adult with two dogs and a large house and no vacuum. It’s time to grow up and get one. I’m also concerned that he thinks it’s remotely reasonable for you to be doing that. He should be embarrassed.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds a little bit like you’re trying to fix a problem he didn’t ask you to fix? If he really cares about having a vacuumed house for when his mom visits, he knows how to make that happen. If he doesn’t really care, then you don’t need to step in. And it doesn’t seem like he’s asking you to.

    • meme

      If you really want to do this, I don’t see a problem, but I agree he’s capable of doing it himself (obviously), and you should feel no obligation to be his maid. The excuse about breaking the vacuum is just dumb though.

    • Anonymous

      Have you thought about trading it for something? “I will vacuum your house, but this is a really big job, as your dogs left hair all over the place. How about you take care of dinner for a week?” Or he can also come up with something that he would be happy to do to help you out.

    • Anonymous

      What? Girl, no. Don’t do it. Are you crazy? Call him and tell him that something came up and you cannot do it but he can still borrow the vacuum if he wants to.

    • Baconpancakes

      Piggybacking off this, this is actually a problem in my life right now as well. I’m staying at my boyfriend’s 6 nights a week, so I feel a little more responsible for cleaning, and I’m a lot more stressed out by the grossness when I’m constantly around it instead of just in it occasionally. I understand that it’s not necessarily wrong for him to keep his house the way he wants, but I find it really stressful, and I’ve told him that. I’ve taken on cleaning the bathroom as my task, since even with “clean” roommates, the bathroom is never clean enough for me, and I’m fine with that being my responsibility for the rest of my life. When we actually move in together (and his dirty roommate moves out), I plan on having a sit-down negotiation of what the de facto status of the house will actually look like, and we’ve already agreed that we’ll also get a cleaning service, but since I don’t pay rent right now, I’m torn as to what to do. Do I just refuse to stay at his house? Put up with it?

      • Anonymous

        If you’re staying at his house 6 nights a week, it sounds like you are already “moved in together.” Start having that conversation now before you set a precedent that you’re cool with it the way it is. And if that means all of the roommates pitching it to get a cleaning service regularly, that’s what you have to push for. Otherwise, maybe you should stay there less, ask him to stay at your place, or spend a few more nights a week apart.

          • Baconpancakes

            Any suggestions on scripts? I am naturally bossy, my SO is naturally conflict-avoidant, and I’m having trouble not feeling like a nagging fishwife by even bringing it up. (He’s so acquiesent and happy to just be with me that he rarely asks me to do anything!)

          • Anonymous

            I tend to take the approach of “I know we’ve both been busy and enjoying our time off and cleaning is the last thing we want to do, so I’ve looked into getting a cleaning service. They can come once every two weeks on Tuesdays at 10 am. They’ll be here for a couple hours and it will cost $80 a visit. With roommates chipping in, each of us will pay $40 a month and if you agree that it’s worth the money to have a regularly tidy place, I’ll go ahead and schedule the first cleaning.”

      • Anonymous

        How about “your apartment is filthy and I can’t live like this. What’s your plan for keeping it clean like an adult does? I’m happy to contribute to doing the cleaning since I’m here so much, but I want to be helping you not taking over primary responsibility.”

    • Anonymous

      I agree with the posters that it’s a bit crazy that he can’t do this himself. He has a vacuum. It may be crappy, but he has one, so he should use it.

      I don’t see that this is an issue about whether you’re moving at different speeds, but I would wonder how compatible you would be living together if your thresholds about how to keep your place clean are so different and there may well be a cleaning service in your future!

      That said, before I moved in with my SO, I did occasionally find myself dusting at his place because there would be layers of dust that he didn’t even appear to notice and they were making my allergies act up.

    • CountC

      Generally speaking, I agree with all of the he should do it himself comments, but in this specific case, you “half-jokingly” offered to do it. He clearly didn’t get the half-joking part and thought you were legitimately offering. Yes, of course, you can decide not to do it, but you did offer and he took you up on it. If you decide to go through with it this one time, I would be clear it’s a one-time deal.

      I offer to do favors for my friends and, when applicable, my SO. I can always take them back if I decide it’s not worth it to me to follow through, but if I truly don’t want to do it, I should probably stop offering. My $0.02.

    • Hollis

      I hate to be that person, but unless this guy is a generous, kind, and a really selfless person, you may want to limit what you’re willing to do until you see this going down the road to commitment. You could end up in a dynamic where you are constantly giving and he is constantly taking and you may resent that and he may wonder why you kept on offering then. Having dated 2 people where I ended giving more and then eventually resenting the lack of appreciation, I know I’m projecting here but I just don’t want you to go down that road. Basically, the question is whether he would do the same for you (not the exact same scenario, but if he would drag heavy machinery into a cab and bring it over to your place), and if you’re not sure, don’t do it.

  9. Rome

    Going to Rome next month and need to find comfortable shoes. I’ve tried Aerosoles and Clarks but they didn’t feel that great. Any suggestions?

    • Marshmallow

      Mephisto, at least if you like a structured foot bed with a lot of arch support. I’ve had several pairs, one of which I wore daily for a whole summer study-abroad in France, and always been happy with them. I’ve only had their sandals, but have tried on some of the loafer styles and also found them comfortable.

    • lawsuited

      Skechers Go Walk shoes are really, really comfortable (although they don’t look amazing).

    • Hollis

      Ecco Abelone’s are great (and waterproof), but if you’re walking a ton, I would recommend a cute pair of low-profile sneakers. I have a pair of all-black Cole Haan sneakers that I wear when traveling. I think Merrill and Born also make good walking shoes.

    • Anonna

      I would not wear new, unbroken in shoes. I’m a fan of Reef flip flops (they have kinds with arch support) and Birkenstocks. You could also do cute slip on sneakers with an orthotic slipped in (I did 25000 steps at Disney with no problem with that combo). But please, for the love of all that is holy, break them in before you go.

      • Anon

        I walked all over Disney for 3 days wearing a pair of lace-up Vans with an insert. These had already been broken in, but I still got a blister on my heel, so also take blister band-aids! They really helped the next day.

  10. Controversial Question time

    So I was reading Trump’s abortion comments yesterday. Apparently he said women who get illegal abortions should be punished. Then there was a strong backlash from the Pro-life community and he changed his stance to saying that people that perform illegal abortions should be punished.

    I’m super liberal, strongly pro-choice and have no issue with abortion. But, reading the comments and responses, I actually found myself more offended by the pro-life response than I was with Trump’s comments. Basically, Cruz and others said that a woman who has an illegal abortion is a victim and the person who performed it is the perpetrator and that since the woman is the victim she shouldn’t be punished.

    Again, reiterating that I think abortion should be 100% legal. But, if it wasn’t, I would rather be treated as someone who can read, knows laws, and chose to violate one and could face punishment rather than some poor shrinking violet that didn’t understand the choice that I made and was manipulated by some illegal (likely male) abortion provider. Anyone else feel the same way? The pro-life critics of Trumps comments made me feel like I had no autonomy or person hood. Trumps comments at least made me feel like I would know what I was doing when I did it.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah I get it and that statement is totally consistent with pro-life/anti-choice rhetoric. It’s like a roundabout way of saying women can’t possibly make an informed choice about this so there is no point punishing them. Also, a woman might choose an illegal abortion even at the risk of punishment, but a medical professional is less likely to perform one at the risk of his/her career, so the pro-lifers get what they want: fewer abortions.

      I’m 100% pro-choice as well and from a country where this is not even a political issue because it’s so given that women would have a choice, and this stuff really baffles me.

      • Anonymous

        Also, just to clarify (I’m Anon at 10:31am) that I don’t think women should be punished, at all, because abortion should be legal, but if it wasn’t, even then the person having the abortion is the more vulnerable party. In a lot of countries, being a prostitute is not illegal, but buying services from one is, because the person buying them is seen as the person in the less vulnerable position, so I can see how in this instance the same could apply.

    • Anonymous

      Nope. Abortion laws aren’t about you, privileged blog reader. They’re about controlling poor women. Not punishing women who have abortions is about basic reality and not being punitive. It’s cute you’d rather go to jail than be treated with leniency but rich women (and come on, you are at least comparitivly) do not get punished for obtaining illegal abortions.

      • Anon

        +1. Particularly because women with financial means can go somewhere to have a safe, legal abortion. I am pro-choice, but as a criminal defense attorney was glad to read the pro-life groups response to Trump’s comments.

      • Batgirl

        You can agree with your statement while also calling the anti-choice groups out on their hypocritical and paternalistic stance. Really, they have just discovered that punishing women for having abortions is extremely unpopular from a political stance–this is part of their effort to reframe being anti-choice as somehow pro-woman and feminist. They’re trying to co-opt the feminist movement. This also exposes their view that women are somehow incapable of making these decisions for themselves and so they need to be protected from those big scary doctors that provide them a safe and legal medical service.

        • Senior Attorney

          Right, Batgirl. Any decent person would be horrified at the idea of punishing a poor woman for having an illegal abortion because she can’t afford a legal one (I’m old enough to remember when people used to go out of the country for abortions). So the only way around that for the anti-choicers is to describe women who get abortions as not-quite adult, not-quite competent, not-quite principled actors in their own lives. Which is a lot of hooey (in most cases — I agree with Blonde Lawyer below that doubtless there have been women forced or coerced into abortions they didn’t want) but provides political cover.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      It reminds me of how very young children and the mentally handicapped can’t be held liable for their crimes because they know not what they do. For that reason, I agree that the comments are very offensive.

      However, I also see where anonymous at 10:33 is coming from and glad she posted. It’s not something I thought of when initially responding. Further, I’m sure there have been women in history forced to obtain illegal abortions by an abusive partner or parent and in that instance, the woman would not have actually made the choice.

      • Anonymous

        Or another way is that providers are not emotionally involved in the process the way the the women receiving an abortion is.

        The closest thing I can think of is how we punish bar owners for overserving someone who gets behind the wheel. A teen who is embarrased, a woman with an abusive partner (I dated a guy once who was so anti-child that I think he would have killed me had I gotten pregnant; as I say, used to date . . .), a teen being forced by parents, etc. is not looking at this cold and emotionally detatched from the process.

        Unlike getting your ears pierced (must be 18 and have parental consent) or tatoos, this is seen as a weightier subject, so I can see regulating providers and them having heavier consequences.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        If you mean victims because abortion should be legal, I agree with you. If you mean that any woman who gets an abortion, legal or illegal is a victim, I strongly disagree.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, I should have clarified. I just meant I really dislike OP’s stance that women who are forced into an illegal abortion are somehow not vulnerable.

        • Anonymous

          Right but they’re a victim of the SYSTEM, not of the doctor. This whom-to-punish question pits the woman against the doctor, when the real conflict is between the woman and the lawmakers. Whom to punish? The wealthy, white men who make these oppressive, condescending, dangerous laws.

      • Madame Ovaries

        “Women who choose illegal abortions are absolutely victims.”

        This is true. However, the anti’s are not simply arguing that women who choose illegal abortions are victims. They are arguing that women who choose abortion *in general* are. Think about it- why would anti’s work to make abortion illegal, and then sob and cry for the women who get an illegal abortion- which is the situation they caused in the first place? Hopefully my longer post will get published in a timely manner. OP’s post does not really untangle these two conceptions of victimhood, which makes it sort of confusing. Blonde Lawyer nailed it.

    • Anon

      Trump is not an idiot. Women have always and will always continue to get abortions. All the other GOP leaders are cowards for distancing themselves from his comments – they think the exact same thing but just don’t say it because it’s so off-putting. Women are powerful and not weak victims, just like you say, and that scares men. The rise of the abortion pill is a really exciting development because it removes the doctors from the process, but imagine what the GOP will want to do then. They’ll either have to punish women or no one., and imagine which they’ll want to do.

      The good thing is that it can be done in private. No men EVER need to be involved.

    • Madame Ovaries

      I feel exactly the same way. I’ve been studying these issues and watching the evolution of the anti-choice arguments for the past 15 years. A while ago, it used to be their party line that abortion was murder and women should keep their legs closed. Ever notice how they all use the phrase “committed an abortion?” Not performed- committed, like a crime. The obvious question was then “well, what punishment do you propose? would that be mitigated if a woman was homeless, raped, cash-strapped, had an abusive partner? why do you want to throw women in jail? Don’t you know that 30% of women have had an abortion?” and so on. The anti’s realized that this position made them sound like @ssholes. So they changed tactics. They decided that women who have abortions are “victims of abortion” (like it’s some supernatural force..). They concocted the gross term “post-abortion syndrome.” They started retreats and blogs (like, Rachel’s Vinyard) for women who have had abortions and regret them to get together to talk about that experience. They started “crisis pregnancy centers” to “help” women have babies (ie, lie to them and toss a pack of pampers at them). They started to push the narrative that women don’t really *want* to have abortions, they *want* to have babies. They pushed mandatory ultrasound laws and waiting periods, arguing that women “don’t know that their baby is a bayyyyyyybeeeeeeee!1” Worse, they’ve also started to push ideas and “research” about “post-abortion syndrome” and women who “regret” abortion into the court system- so you’ve got lower courts now that are hearing these arguments that abortion restrictions are designed to “protect women.” This is why “women’s safety” is also the ostensible (and clearly false) justification behind Texas’s HB2 (the one SCOTUS just held a hearing on).

      You are completely right that the rhetoric and arguments they are using now completely and totally disregard women’s autonomy. This is a feature, not a bug. By pretending that women don’t have autonomy, they can a) disregard the very compelling arguments for abortion rights that are *based* on autonomy (bodily autonomy and just… generally) and they can try to come off as *nice* and *helpful.* There’s a reason that in the recent buffer zone case that SCOTUS decided that the terms “consensual, caring conversations” with “plump grandmas” were used to describe sidewalk harassment.

      The reality of the situation is that the majority of the anti-choice movement simply doesn’t see women’s autonomy as valid. Whether we’re talking about bodily autonomy or just women’s ability to chart a course for their own life, anti’s largely do not respect autonomy. I’ve read article after article and engaged in hundreds of conversations and this is firmly my conclusion. The fact that a woman doesn’t want to have a child is irrelevant. She’s supposed to want one. It’s her role. The fact that a woman doesn’t want to be celibate for ever is irrelevant. Even if you can convince one that it violates a woman’s bodily integrity to force her to gestate (and we do not violate anyone else’s bodily integrity in this country to keep another human alive), they will *still* disregard this principle because a woman should just gestate anyways because it’s the right thing to do. If you think about it, it’s consistent with the conservative christian world view- a woman is abstinent until marriage and then she has babies with her husband. That is her path. She doesn’t get to deviate.

      Trump’s comments and the responses are hysterical to me because it shows that he doesn’t know how to use the GOP’s newspeak on this issue. He hasn’t been trained and targeted by the anti-choice lobbying groups (Americans United for Life, National Right to Life Committee, et al) that disseminate and push model legislation and talking points to anti-choice politicians. But, his position is logically consistent- if abortion is murder, it should be punished. The anti’s got upset because it takes the mask off.

      Sorry for the novel, and for my unpolished writing (I suppose I should work today…).

      • emeralds

        Thanks for taking the time to articulate all of that, Madame Ovaries. Could not agree more.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          +1. Great comment. “He removed the mask.” That is the one slim positive of Trump’s candidacy. He has “removed the mask” on a lot of issues. Which is probably why some conspiracy theorists think he is a democratic plant.

      • Jules

        +1000

        The anti-choice faction considers that women are always victims or else they wouldn’t want or need an abortion in the first place and utterly discount their autonomy.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Thank you! Restricting abortion has never been about “protection,” it’s always been about controlling women.

    • anonymous

      I think it’s a lot more about vulnerability than victimhood. Women who need abortions are definitely vulnerable, especially poor women/women who would have an illegal abortion, etc. Seems like it’s less about whether women know what they’re doing and more about not punishing a vulnerable party with very few options.

      I’m also very pro-choice and anti-Trump, to be clear.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Honestly I was a little surprised by the backlash because it seems like punishing women is the natural next step in some of the anti-abortion legislation certain states have been pushing through. For example, the requirement that the aborted fetus be buried or cremated. Wouldn’t that responsibility fall on the woman who had the abortion and she would be the only one violating the law in that instance?

      I read a scary article yesterday about crisis pregnancy centers getting women (technically a 17 year old girl in the article) to sign a form stating that if she ever went to get an abortion in the future that it would be under duress and then sending this form and her personal info to all abortion providers in the area to try and prevent them from performing one. In the article someone (likely the center) called the cops who came to the abortion provider’s office and prevented the girl from getting an abortion and suggesting that her mother who was there could be charged with a crime. The form seems to fit right in with this idea that women can’t make their own decision about something like this and are victims of those around them.

    • bridget

      When reading these comments, please bear in mind that over 40% of women self-identify as pro-life. Because, from these, you would think that the only “anti-choicers” out there are rich white men. (I’m not anti-choice; I’m anti-killing-humans.)

      It is NOT paternalistic to punish one party and not the other. Many laws against pr*stitution do the same thing: the buyer is punished, the seller is not. Same with laws wherein buying drugs carries a lesser sentence than selling them. The reason is simple: one party is subjected to a desperate situation and the other is not.

      The anti-life crowd can play act all they want about how it’s paternalistic, but it’s basic common sense: the woman is pregnant. She is (understandably) scared and desperate. By your “logic,” a law that does not punish a cancer patient for obtaining illegal pot, but punishes the seller, is paternalistic.

      • Madame Ovaries

        God, ugh. If I recall from your previous posts, you’re a Trump supporter and your ideas about racism have been soundly criticized on this board before.

        Not all women with unwanted pregnancies are scared and desperate. Some just don’t want to be pregnant. Play act? Are you f’ing serious? Do you even understand your own movement? It’s not the fact that the doctor is punished instead of the woman, per se- it’s the fact that she’s cast as a “victim of abortion.” You can’t lie to me. You can’t tell me that all of the anti-choice screeds about “post-abortion syndrome” aren’t paternalistic. You can’t tell me that the proposition that women will “come to regret” abortions isn’t paternalistic. You can’t tell me that saying that women need to be subjected to a *mandatory transvaginal ultrasound* so that they can “see their precious bayyyyyyybeees and understand the value of LIFE!” is not paternalistic (yo, 60% of women who have abortions already have kids.)

        “When reading these comments, please bear in mind that over 40% of women self-identify as pro-life.”

        I don’t care. They’re welcome not to choose abortion, but they don’t get to tell me what to do. And no one said that women can’t be s3xist or paternalistic.

      • Batgirl

        What better way to support women “subjected to a desperate situation” than to force her to carry her pregnancy to term because *you* find it objectionable for her to do otherwise! And you’re anti-choice because you are anti-letting-the-pregnant-woman-decide-for-herself. What a hero!

      • What's your point

        “When reading these comments, please bear in mind that over 40% of women self-identify as pro-life. Because, from these, you would think that the only “anti-choicers” out there are rich white men.”

        It doesn’t make it any better, or any less paternalistic, that it’s *other women* attempting to subvert a woman’s right to choose.

      • Anon

        Banning abortion makes it less safe, period. You are not “pro-life” – you are “pro-birth” and “anti-women.” If you would rather drive abortion underground and make it less accessible, more expensive, and more dangerous, you are not pro-life. Women will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get abortions, including women who are opposed to abortions, and taking away their access to medical care doesn’t do a damn thing about that.

      • Madame Ovaries

        I can’t even with this post. I didn’t point this out in my first one, but Bridget, your logic is totally flawed. You’ve made a straw man argument. No one here is saying that a law is paternalistic simply because it punishes the provider instead of the purchaser, and that all laws who punish the provider are paternalistic. Hence, no one is arguing that punishing the cannabis dealer rather than the cancer patient is paternalistic. We are saying that the justifications made for punishing an *abortion provider* instead of the pregnant woman are paternalistic.

        “The reason is simple: one party is subjected to a desperate situation and the other is not.”

        Lol, no. Show me that all people who purchase drugs are ‘in a desperate situation’ whereas drug dealers are not. Good grief.

        Ok, I know I’ve been all over this thread, I’ll quiet down now.

      • Anon for this

        A woman may well choose an abortion even if she is not “scared and desperate.” I did so, when I was 43, spouse was 50, our existing child was 8. We were barely managing our lives with two very demanding careers, I probably could not have coped with the physical demands of pregnancy or raising an infant and, frankly, our marriage was on shaky ground and almost certainly would not have withstood the pressures of having and raising a baby. We made a reasoned decision about what was best for ourselves and our family, but I was neither scared nor desperate.

        And I didn’t need the “protection” offered by the insistent demonstrators at the clinic at the time, or that offered by you, Trump, Cruz and the rest now.

      • October

        Thanks for bringing it up. It really is thought-provoking. One additional point, that I’m sure Trump did not mean because I really don’t think he thinks through what he says, is that I can only see Roe v. Wade being overturned and abortion becoming illegal *throughout the land* if the fetus is given personhood status. If it is deemed a person, and a women aborts this person, then wouldn’t that be akin to murder? (I hesitate to use that word because of the loaded connotation…but not sure how else to frame it). Then a punishment wouldn’t be outlandish, etc. etc.

  11. Gail the Goldfish

    2 shopping questions:

    1) I’m going to the Kentucky Derby with some friends. We’ve only got infield tickets. What do I wear? (And any tips for surviving a day in the infield when we’re all flying in and therefore presumably won’t have things like chairs and any sort of umbrella/tent shade).

    2) In May, I have to go to a cocktail-attire charity gala, cocktail-attire outdoor Southern wedding, attire unknown (probably cocktail or one step below that in terms of formality) indoor Southern wedding. None of my cocktail attire currently fits. Any suggestions for a dress I can wear to all three of these events? No black and no red.

    • PBJellee

      In the infield, you should just wear something comfortable. Don’t bother with a sundress, heels, and a hat because you’ll be over it by 2 o’clock when a raging drunkard spills his 7th mint julep on you while waiting to use the portapotty before you’ve even seen a horse. Also, Derby-goers of all ticket types have a propensity to drop/smash their glasses on the ground, so wear shoes that will protect your feet from the shards of glass that.are.everywhere.

      • Anonymous

        Wow — if ever an event called for a New Orleans-style go-cup, it’s something like this.

    • Anonymous

      Wear closed toed shoes, a hat, and stop at Target for an umbrella. Drink lots of water.

      • PBJellee

        No, do not get yourself an umbrella. They aren’t allowed. Neither are tents, large bags, coolers, alcohol, backpacks, wagons, fireworks, cameras with detachable lenses, drones, or mini ponies.

        Please check the allowed and prohibited items list before you leave. I used to plan trips to the Derby for a living, so I’ve seen it all.

        • cbackson

          YOU CAN TAKE MY UMBRELLA BUT YOU CANNOT TAKE MY MINI PONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Gail the Goldfish

          No cameras with detachable lenses?! Boo! I just got one I wanted to take and it’s not any bigger than a small point and shoot with the basic lens. And I suppose I’ll just have to leave the mini pony at home. Alas.

          Thanks for the suggestions! It probably would not have occurred to me I need closed-toed shoes. Sounds like shorts+cute top (that covers shoulders, because hello sunburn)+sneakers I don’t mind getting trashed+sun hat are the answer here.

          • PBJellee

            You’ll probably be fine if it’s a standard-sized camera. The rules are more to prevent the types of large cameras professional photographers carry from getting in. The rule is specifically banning “cameras with detachable lenses, or equipped with a lens that is 6” or longer.” But also leave the selfie stick at home!

    • KT

      If you’re going to the Derby and will be in the infield, do not wear a dress, heels, or lovely hat. You will get covered with mud (regardless if it’s raining or not), beer, and god knows what else. Goofy hats are the name of the game in the infield–actual horseheads, hats that hold beer, etc.

      The infield is awesome, but it isn’t the place to try to be all ladies who lunch; it’s a place where mudsliding happens.

      • KT

        *By actual horseheads, I meant hats in the shape of horseheads, not ACTUAL horseheads. because that’s weird/disgusting/Godfather-esque

      • Anonymous

        So it’s like the infield at NASCAR events? I would not have thought that.

        • CountC

          Oh yes. There are plenty of every day joes who just love horse racing and are not there for a fashion show. Plenty of jeans and t-shirts out and about. It doesn’t have the same rep as the Preakness infield, but the fancy hats and dresses you see on TV generally go from the stands to the paddock and back to the stands. I was invited by someone in the industry one year and was able to go into the paddock both for the Oaks and the Derby, as well as in the winner’s circle for the Oaks, so I wore gigantic hats and fancy dresses – it was super fun. However. had I not been invited to hang with the 1%ers, I would have likely thrown on machine washable capris, cheap wedges that I wouldn’t have minded losing for the cause, and gone hatless!

          • KT

            I was there for the 2004 Derby when it was POURING and it was just mud puddles everywhere, so there were literal mudslide races.

    • AttiredAttorney

      I went to the Derby for the first time last year with infield tickets. We chose not to carry in any chairs or tents, but “pregamed” in the parking lot outside the track. If you don’t want to carry in chairs, I suggest this approach. Still get to your parking spot early, but don’t actually walk into the track until later. If you start at the track too early, you will be exhausted by the end of the day, and it really is worth staying until the end. You can find some railings/stairs to sit on if you really need a spot to rest.

      I wore a comfortable sundress (seersucker from Target) and closed toed, comfortable flats, and a light hat. I thought the hat actually came in handy, as it was pretty hot and provided some share. There are plenty of people in the infield who dress up, and I’m glad I did, even if it was just to get a cute picture holding a mint julep. There are some areas of the infield that are more mud wrestling and drunkenness, but plenty of other areas where there are people who just want to watch the race in a hat. Find those people if that’s the experience you want.

  12. Money or Career Fulfillment?

    I am in a decently compensated in house attorney’s position. I do not like my job. It is limiting and boring and by boss is an absolute jerk. There is also limited opportunity for advancement and my boss is unsupportive of my career development efforts. I have been job hunting for a while without much success.

    In an ideal world, I would be able to be able to transition to a General Counsel or other leadership role in another company but without actual GC experience, I can’t seem to get traction in that area. I do have past experience with the federal government in a somewhat niche practice area and have had good results with applying for federal roles. I have received a few offers but taking a federal job will involve a paycut of approximately $60-70K ( and a move to DC, which is more expensive from where I currently live) and I just don’t know if it is wise to take that much of a paycut financially. I recently turned down a dream federal position and I am still torn up by having done so.

    I am in my 40s and have undersaved for retirement so the ability to save is very important to me right now. If I took a federal position my ability to save would be drastically reduced. Because I do not have that much federal services, any federal pension I receive would be negligible. On the other hand, the federal agencies I have applied to do such interesting work and I really want to be a part of that. I am really unhappy in my current position and I feel a small part of my dies everyday. Any thoughts? What would you do?

    • Anon

      D.C. is expensive but you can have a nice life there, including saving for retirement, on a federal salary. What you can’t do is live in a big house and have a luxurious life on a federal salary, so it’s a bit of a prioritization thing. Are you down with living far out of the city or in the city in a small apartment?

    • Anon

      Can you say what type of work you want to do in the govt? And also does a 70k salary cut mean going from 200k to 130k or going from 130k to 60k? And how under saved for retirement? If you give some details, the hive may have some concrete ideas or opinions.

      • OP

        My best fit within the Govt would be DOD agency work. 70k cut would go from $200k+ to maxing out at GS 15 step 10 ( so no room for further increases). I am waay undersaved for retirement. To date, I have about $240k in 401Ks and $100K in cash. On my current plan I anticipate $25k per year in 401k contributions and $30k year in personal savings. I wont benefit from an inheritance, insurance or any other windfalls so what I can save will be all I have. Ideally I would retire at 62 but may have to stay until 65 for finances.

        • Anon

          So you’re looking at 130k? I felt pretty good living in D.C. as a single person on $130k and would have felt great if not for student loans. My budget broke down about like this:

          9% into 401(k) (should have been more but again, student loans, and I had a 6% employer contribution).
          $6,000 takehome
          – $1500/month – student loans
          – $1850/month – nice but not luxurious apartment in nice but not fancy neighborhood (in city itself).
          – $1200/month – savings/additional loan payments.

          = $1450/month for other expenses, which didn’t feel particularly constrained to me.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Scale your expenses back as if you were already living on the federal salary now, and pour all of the extra income into retirement savings?

      Also, I think you’re undervaluing your potential federal pension – if you’re only in your 40s, you’re looking at, what? 15-20 years of service before retirement age? That’s plenty of time to build up a decent pension.

      • OP

        This is what I do now. I would have about 15 years of federal service if I left now. I ran numbers a few years ago and the monthly pension was not very much. Also, it is my understanding that I would have to retire from federal services so I would have to go to the fed govt and stay there until I hit the magic age. In my head, I was thinking of a return to federal services for 5-6 years and then leave again for the private sector to make a higher salary. I am terrified of being underfunded when I retire so I think I HAVE to leave to make more money to save. ( I am getting weepy as I write this. I am THAT scared)

          • OP

            Even thinking of this is causing me stress so I am not being clear:
            I thought that if I go back now, I would have to retire from federal service at the magic age to be eligble for pension distributions. So , for example, since I will have a total of less than 20 years of services, I could not go back now, leave at 60 and then receive a pension from the federal government when I turn 65( or 67).

        • NYC tech

          I can’t say much about the specifics of your situation. But listen to yourself, and read what you’re writing. All signs point to “This is not the position for you.” It’s almost certainly a false dichotomy to say that it’s your current miserable job versus the federal position. There are other jobs out there, and more will come along in the near future. Start a serious search and find something that meets all of your important criteria, not just the ones about interesting work and escaping your boss.

          • OP

            You are right. I am feeling particularly hopeless today because my current situation feels unbearable and I have had poor success with the job search ( except for fed jobs). The thought of having to stick it out here until the right non-fed job comes along makes me sad. very sad.

        • Anonymous

          if I were you, I’d channel some of your anxiety about retirement savings into thinking about ways you can make money after you retire from law. There’s no rule that you have to go from $200k to $0 at 62 or 65. What are you planning to do with your time? Is there a way to fit money making into that plan? What can you be doing now to position yourself for a stepped down role in law (e.g., part-time work as a mediator) or something entirely different (e.g., ski instructor as a way to help fund a retirement spent in the mountains)?

          • OP

            I have been giving this one some thought lately. I would love to be able to retire and just ‘hang”, but financially , I know I will need a side gig that I have to start lining up now.

    • Anonymous

      what the other benefits? You need to compare total compensation (retirement,etc) not just straight salary dollars.

      Also depends on your values. I’m stressed by market investing so I’m in a govt position with a defined benefit pension because it reduces stress in my life.

      • OP

        I too get stressed by the market. I have a low tolerance for risk but the notion of relying on a pension that does not appear to be very much stresses me more.

    • Hollis

      How about finding another non-GC in-house position where the boss is not a jerk and there is a possibility that the GC will move on and you will be next in line? The way I see it, there are very few open GC positions out there, so the best opportunity to get there would be to take the job that’s next in line. I get that you are hating life so you want to do something totally different, but why not put yourself in a better, though not perfect, place, and see how you feel? There are jerky bosses everywhere, including in federal government.

      • Re: bad bossess everywhere

        So True. I am definitely suffering from “grass is greener everywhere but here” syndrome today.

    • In-House Europe

      This is super late, so I’m not sure you will read it, and Hollis already mentioned it, but there are almost no GC positions that are given to outsiders. I’m currently technically GC, but almost also only-C, and it has been SOOO hard trying to find another position – technically GC means technically overqualified for anything lower. So I would also suggest looking for a lateral move where there is a possibility of moving up. Good luck!!

  13. Anonymous

    So in a lot of recent threads (including the above thread about Trump), some people (or maybe it’s just one person doing it a lot), calls out people she sees as making ignorant comments based on their own privilege, and says something like “isn’t it cute that you think that.”

    What is this whole “cute” thing? It always stands out to me and kind of makes my skin crawl.

    Maybe it’s just the irony of it all — to me, snarkily calling someone “cute” because you disagree with her comment smells like sexism.

    • Anonymous

      Oh that’s me hi!! I use it to refer to people who seem naive and privileged and lacking in any broader experience. What a cute child you are, basically. It may have broader sexist implications, for me personally I apply it just as often to pearl clutchers as Bernie Bros.

      • Anonymous

        Honest question- Do you think that’s productive or beneficial to helping people become aware of their own privilege? I genuinely appreciate when someone points out my bias or suggests that I’m unaware of a privilege that informs my opinion. But why the ad hominem?

        • Anonymous

          i don’t really care. If you’re being an idiot, I’m gonna say that not try to benefit you with productive discourse. This isn’t that hard. Some people value being nice, some don’t.

          • Anonymous

            I get it, you’re saying you’re not trying to help people become aware of those thing.. You just like being “not nice.”

            What I’m saying though.. is if you’re not necessarily conscious of your bias or your privilege (whatever it may be) are you necessarily “an idiot”?

          • Nice?

            It’s not about being nice; it’s about being persuasive. If you actually want people to recognize their privilege, offensive behavior, or bias, you’ll be more successful if you frame your critique in a way that doesn’t shut them down off the bat. But maybe, like anonymous said, you just like being “not nice” rather than trying to eliminate the problem that you are purportedly concerned with.

      • OP

        Well, you do you! Take it as a compliment that your remarks stand out!

        I don’t want to start anything, but I do just want to comment that I’d encourage you to reconsider. Like you said, it has some sexist connotations. I understand that you aren’t too concerned about that, but it does seem a little hypocritical for you to call people out on their bias, but do it in a biased way.

        That’s all!

    • Jitterbug

      I agree, it’s like people who say “must be nice.” It’s passive-aggressive, snarky, and often condescending. In short, it’s rude. It’s okay to remind people they’re coming from a place of privilege and thus don’t always get get why a certain policy might help or hurt people of marginalized groups, but there are good ways to do that and there are mean ways to do it.

  14. Bonnie

    I wanted to share a new quick, healthyish, family meal. Barilla makes a quick-cooking, no-drain pasta. In the last few minutes, I add a bag of frozen vegetables and a jar of sauce and dinner is on the table in about 10 minutes. I’ve been experimenting with combinations like tomato sauce and broccoli, and light alfredo sauce, tuna and peas.

  15. Anon

    Why are so many on here so nervous about the market? It comes up all the time, including just today re the discussion how pensions are better bc you don’t have to worry about market volatility.

    Are people nervous right now bc of a bad start to the yr for the market? Or is it bc of 2008-2009? I don’t get the sense that many people reading here are age 50+ or 60+, so I find it interesting that so many younger women are so risk averse re money; is this just a man vs. woman difference — bc I see many men in their 30s and 40s being pretty risk seeking and just throwing money into investments that they may not even understand — not that I’m advocating that either.

    • Anonymous

      I’ll take a stab at this — for me, it’s two-fold — (a) coming of age right around 2008. I started in the working world in 2004. I had just bought my first house right before the crash and immediately lost nearly $100K in value (I mean, on paper only, but it’s so disheartening and scary to know you would have to come up with nearly 5 times my downpayment to even move). And (b) the impression that people have just completely moved on past 2008-2009 and forgotten about it. Where I live, the economy seems to be booming and I can’t help but think it’s unsustainable. Home prices are rising at great than 2005-2006 rates. I feel like we’re setting ourselves up for another fall, as I don’t see what’s “better” in the world or economy as a whole.

      • anon bc no free advice, but...

        +1 to this. Add in the fact that the stock market isn’t a short term investment vehicle, and young people in general tend to be saving for shorter-term goals (wedding, car, house). When our grandparents or even parents were starting out they could get much better returns in traditionally safer investments like CDs and bonds and savings accounts paid a better return as well, while the low interest rates of late essentially punish savers.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not nervous at all – you can see the market is already rebounding from the beginning of the year. I put a bunch more money into my index funds in February when things were pretty low and I’m pretty happy about that. I know it’s silly to try to “time” the market in the long-run but I guess it’s more of a personal fun satisfaction thing to put it in there when the market happens to be lower. In the same vein I keep ~5k in a “fun/hobby” trading account where I do the stock picking and my picks have all gone up quite a bit (TSLA, AAPL, grabbed some linkedin but that’s been stuck low) since then so I’m pretty pleased. As you get closer to retirement people recommend that you phase out of your stock/market dependent investments slowly so I think that is helpful. FWIW I also used to work in trading and am very tolerant of risk professionally and personally if there is a high expected value in the future – I have lived very frugally as a grad student for a few years and though I enjoy many more luxuries now at 29, I know I can make it work on 25k in a HCOL city and that makes me more tolerant of investment risk.

      • Anon

        I’m the same way — lawyer, not a former trader — but I definitely keep some money on the sidelines so I can buy the dips. Just picked up some Home Depot stock in late Feb. when the market was killed yet HD was putting out good earnings.

        I don’t however view the stock market as a short term vehicle — for money I need in the next yr or 2, I don’t keep it in the market given the volatility. I see mutual funds/ETFs as long term, but I see stocks as more medium term — once there’s a decent return, I sell and that may happen in 2 months rather than in 2 yrs with individual stock.

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