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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
We talk about the best work tees a lot over here, and this one from Old Navy is a new favorite. It’s thick, has a bit of stretch to it, and can be tossed in the washer and dryer easily. As a long-torsoed person, I wish it had just another inch or two in length, but it still tucks in nicely to my high-waisted pants. (Note that it also comes in tall sizes if you’re really looking for extra length!)
Wear this under a blazer or with a midi skirt for an easy, comfy office outfit.
The shirt is on sale for $12 at Old Navy and comes in regular sizes XS–4X, tall sizes XS–XXL, and petite sizes XS–XXL.
Looking for other double-layer shirts (great for white shirts) – check out Boden, Express, and Hobbs.
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- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
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Anon
Anyone have experience with thyroid issues? At my dentist appointment yesterday, I off-handedly mentioned a slight swelling on one side of my neck, down near my collarbone (she checks for oral cancers so it seemed relevant); it’s been there a few weeks and is annoying but not painful. She said it could be thyroid-related and I should see my PCP. I made an appointment for next week, but of course now I’m thinking of all the things it could be and freaking myself out. (Also kind of annoyed that this is happening at the time of year when I can least afford this distraction. Why could this not happen in July/August?) I’m 46, overweight but in decent health otherwise; never had any endocrine issues before that I know of.
Anecdata
Thyroid issues run in my family, and it can actually be pretty common for them to pop up around menopause. It can be very minor to treat – like your thyroid isn’t producing enough hormones, here’s a daily pill with that hormone, boom and done, and getting that treated can make a HUGE wellbeing difference (more energy, less anxiety/depression, more accurate appetite), so it might be a good thing to get flagged. I hope that’s the case for you!
Anon
Google Allison Latos, who is on the news in CLT. I think a viewer spotted a thyroid issue for her.
anon
It’s super common. I know quite a few women who have been diagnosed in their 40s. I wouldn’t freak out just yet. See your PCP, and have them run the test, and go from there.
Anon
Yes there are tons of thyroid problems in my family. I have Graves’ disease (hyperthyroid) which was triggered by pregnancy and is well managed with meds. My dad had the same issue as a kid and now has thyroid cancer, which required surgery and radioactive iodine treatment. Various other family members have either under- or over-active thyroids and/or thyroid cancer. Almost no one dies of thyroid cancer, and you don’t normally have to have chemo. It’s one of the best cancers to have, but you probably don’t have cancer.
Anon
I’m the same age as you and I have has hypothyroidism for the past 20 years. I basically take 2 tiny little pills every morning and they make a world of difference to me. I also see my endocrinologist once a year, but since my meds have stabilized (maybe 10 years ago), I could just get prescription refills through my PCP instead. You will learn that thyroid issues are extremely common among women, but fixable. Good luck!
anon
Also, just wanna say that your dentist is awesome for alerting you to a potential issue. My dad had melanoma a few years back, and it was his dentist that said, hey, you may want to get that checked out by a dermatologist. His PCP had blown him off when he asked whether there was anything to be concerned about. I am so thankful for that family dentist. The melanoma was caught early and was treatable. (I shudder to think what would’ve happened if my dad had done his usual thing of putting things off until they can no longer be ignored.)
Anon
My husband had a pre-cancerous lesion removed from his tongue that his dentist spotted. He’s a former smoker and disclosed that on the medical history he gave the dentist, so they do a comprehensive exam of his mouth every time he goes in, as well as looking into his throat.
Anon
I always ask my hairdresser to check my scalp for moles and/or changes. I had one very-close-to-cancer mole taken off based on her alerting me to its changes.
Anon
My hypothyroidism was diagnosed starting with a swelling in my neck when I was 28. I am 58 now and I take a tiny pill every day and I’m absolutely fine. Don’t worry!
JD
I’ve had a swollen one for years. It can also be related to a previous sickness. I’ve had it monitored and had an ultrasound. It’s just swollen. You definitely need to get it checked out, but don’t worry for now. It may be nothing at all.
No Problem
Your PCP will likely do a physical exam and then run some bloodwork to determine if you need any medication. They may also send you for an ultrasound if they do feel anything abnormal. Note that abnormal doesn’t = cancer! In my case, I have had several swollen nodules and zero signs of cancer. Swollen nodules are common if you have an underactive thyroid. Even if it is cancer, like the other poster said, it’s the best cancer to have. Surgery is easy (the scar will hide in one of your neck folds) and you’ll be extremely unlikely to need further treatment. Like others have said, thyroid issues are extremely, extremely common, and also easily treatable with inexpensive generic medication. Good luck! Let u know how it goes.
Anonie
Yes, I get my thyroid tested at my annual physical every year because both my parents had clinical grade hypothyroidism. So far, mine is subclinical. /shrug. As others have said, hormone supplement easily fixes that particular issue. Wishing you the best!
CMS
My PCP found a lump on my thyroid last year. Biopsy showed it was not cancerous but it was pretty big. Ultimately I decided to have surgery to remove the half with the lump after it kept growing. The surgery was outpatient, took less than an hour and I was back to work within the week. The scar is hardly noticeable and I’ve had no after effects. No pills needed as of now.
Kate
I’m considering giving my parents some type of DNA kit this holiday season. They both love genealogy and family history. They are a little paranoid about personal information sharing, so I’d prefer a company that allows them to opt out of the “family tree” piece if that’s what they chose. I’m overwhelmed at options – ancestry, 23and Me, so many choices. It looks like some do a health assessment, too? Any recommendations? They’re in their 70s, and a simple online interface would be best.
Anon
They might not want to because there’s some family secrets lurking out there. That happened with my family. Tread cautiously.
Anon
If they are concerned about the privacy aspect, I would find a different gift.
Anon
This, or just test the family dog for a lark.
Anonymous
+1. I think a human DNA test is a really intrusive gift unless they have specifically requested it. Dog DNA tests are fun.
Anon
+1. Don’t do this.
NYCer
Agreed.
Anon
Yeah I can’t imagine anyone who is “paranoid about personal information sharing” wanting to do this. I would not.
Anon
I posted above about the family secrets coming out and it all happened after a Christmas gift where the generation that knew objected to the 23&me gift on privacy grounds. And the younger generation didn’t care, and then . . ,
Anon
Are you insinuating they’re hiding something? I don’t have any big secrets like that and I’d never do a kit like this. It’s wild to me to give your private medical data away for no reason.
Anon
Yeah, because parental resistance can be a sign that they know something or are hiding something. Could also just be privacy concerns but that generation had a totally different approach to adoption and out of wedlock births than we do today. Almost everyone I know has a “that’s not who we thought they were, aunt is mother,” or secret sibling or not actual father, etc. stories that have come out of 23&me. So I’d give it roughly equal odds of privacy v secrets concern.
anon
My parents objected on these grounds until… their siblings did it and there were no “surprises.” Tread carefully here.
Senior Attorney
Agree. If my kid gave me one of those kits I would throw it in the trash.
Anon
Ditto. I am not as concerned about “family secrets” as I am about signing over the rights to my DNA sequence to a company with questionable motivations and a strong profit motive. Or, to a law-enforcement database where my DNA could be used in unethical ways. Never will I ever submit my DNA to any database of my own will. Someone’s going to have to get a court order if they want my DNA.
Anonymous
Dontt. They’re paranoid about info sharing. They don’t want a dna kit
Anon
Our family really has liked 23andMe.
I opt out of all the “find people related to me” stuff. I liked seeing what my genetic heritage / make-up was like.
I find the health / traits stuffy interesting and it jas even been medically useful for 2 of us.
But it’s true that hidden family secrets could be revealed….!
Anonymous
Personally I would not do this because I know my great grandfather had a second family and I want all that to stay buried. IMO these tests present too much risk of unearthing previous generations indiscretions.
Anon
One of my husband’s college friends, who never knew her biological father – she was the product of what her mom described as a brief fling, and she’d been raised by her mom and her stepfather – was contacted by her biological father’s children after she did 23 and Me and they discovered they were related to her. It got very awkward very quickly.
Her bio-dad, as it turns out, did not know she existed – friend’s mom had never told him she was pregnant. Friend was inundated with requests to have video calls and meetings with people she was related to, but that she did not know and did not really want to know. Her mom and her stepdad had married when she was about 3 and she had a great relationship with her parents; she had half-siblings, and felt like she had a great, supportive family. But her bio-dad’s family got very insistent that they needed to know her, and that they were her “real” family and seemed to insinuate she “owed” it to them to be in contact. They wanted “answers” about why her existence had been concealed from them that she didn’t think they were owed and that her mom really did not care to talk about. She had to block them on everything and change her phone number to get the requests to stop. She since has been in contact with her bio-dad and some of her half-siblings from her dad’s side but she keeps contact to a minimum.
I was always thumbs-down on genetic testing but this experience really made me realize – you have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen when you send that test in. I will not do it, period, under any circumstances. If someone gave me a testing kit, I would dispose of it – not even donate it, just trash it.
Anon
That’s awful for your husband’s friend.
Makes me wonder if there’s a reason her mom didn’t tell her bio dad.
anon
+1
Anon
I’m not really sure the purpose of it for genealogy if they opt out of the family tree. That’s the part that shows who’s related to whom.
Also, I did 23AndMe and have had a good experience. But note that I found out I have a half brother a few months older than me! And I have a friend who found out his dad isn’t his biological dad.
So…. Tread carefully.
Anon
I found my cousin who was adopted out at birth! He had been searching for his birth parents for years and he got a notice the day my ancestry DNA was uploaded. It has been a very happy story all around.
anon
I would NOT do this unless they have specifically asked for this gift. Not everybody wants to go down that road (I feel like it’s a different category of information than history, folklore, and run-of-the-mill geneology efforts), and I don’t see the point of doing one of these if you’re not doing the family tree part. My uncle got super into the 23 and Me stuff, roped my mom into providing a DNA sample, and she was highly annoyed by the whole thing and felt like it was a violation of privacy even though she enjoys family stories and history.
Anon
If they’re paranoid about personal information sharing, this isn’t a good gift for them unless they have specifically expressed interest in it. And generally, it’s a little bonkers that it’s become totally normal for people to share their DNA with a private company on a lark.
Anon
Like your parents, I am “paranoid” about person information sharing. I’m angry that my mother did the testing, because half of that is linked to me. (I keep my opinions to myself.)
There does not and *cannot* exist a test kit I would feel comfortable using. The protections around them are contractual at best, not legal and certainly not constitutional. The information can be swept up at a later date, hacked, or “terms and conditions can change upon notice.” It can be subpoenaed, even if tangentially related to me. Remedies for a hack or unauthorized release are not adequate to protect me.
The information is necessarily associated with me or near me – someone I know used a credit card in their name to buy it; it would be shipped to them or to me; I would send it back; and the results would be sent to me via home address or email. Perhaps one could buy it with a burner credit card, handle it with gloves (my fingerprints are in a database from a security clearance back in the day), send it off, and have the results sent to a burner email with a different name, registered via a library, accessed via VPN… but it’s still going to show a family relationship to anyone else in my family who has submitted DNA.
Nope.
Anonymous
I would hate this gift. Also bear in mind you are making your dna public. Where does it go? What security is used on it. The police can access the database and link your dna to a crime or crime of a family member. See golden state killer. No good can come from this gift.
Anonymous
I agree with your sentiment but not the example. If DNA is linking a relative to a crime like the Golden State Killer that’s actually a good thing for victims.
Anon
Absolutely do not get a DNA kit if you’re a serial killer. Great advice, why I keep coming back.
Anon
snort
Anon
Im the paranoid Anon at 10:22 am. Here is a wild thought: twenty years from now, your son’s hair winds up on a crime victim. They were at the same party; he did a swan dive into the pile of coats on a bed; she later picked up her coat, left, and was killed by a stranger.
They run all the hair on her wool coat through the DNA searches. It shows that this likely your kid. They find that he goes to the same college as the victim and was at the same party. Now he’s a presumptive killer and has to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars proving his innocence – if he even can.
Outlandish? How much do you trust the police to do a good job versus just find a suspect and trying to hang it on him?
Anon
Ahh yes, won’t somebody think of the poor boys at parties??
Cb
Omg, I’ve had a horrific day dealing with a student in crisis and am 2 hours later than expected, hungry, tired and vaguely traumatised and that just made me laugh so hard. Thanks, I needed that!
Anon
Anon at 1:57 pm, are you implying that attending a party makes a man suited to incarceration for a crime he didn’t commit? Creepy IMHO.
blueberries
+1 Very well said.
Cerulean
I am you, including being frustrated that my mom used 23andme! I feel like people are way too lax about sharing DNA info. Even if a company truly works to keep this info private (which they don’t), they could still be subject to a data breach.
I wish everyone who took a DNA test for fun realized they were also sharing partial DNA info for close relatives and any future descendants who aren’t consenting.
Even the medical DNA tests can be tricky to opt out of sharing info with outside groups. When I took a screening test before starting IVF, the default was that your data could be shared with other medical research entities. In order to opt out, I had to send a letter and call multiple times to confirm that I was opted out. Not cool.
Anon
Be prepared for negative news. My cousin learned her dad isn’t her dad. I have no plans to ever do one of these tests, even ignoring privacy tests.
Anon
privacy concerns* OMG Friday morning brain!
Anon
In general it doesn’t bother me to learn things that were always true whether I knew it or not, but I would still hesitate because there’s no way for it to affect only me.
Last time I had to do a IRB, this was even one of the examples (I think for how individual consent isn’t necessarily adequate if there are far reaching impacts).
Anon
Both are fine options – my mom really enjoyed it and though it helped with her genealogy research. If they don’t want the family tree info, though, don’t do it. Also chiming in to say that a cousin found out they had a half-sibling via ancestry… lol.
Anonymous
Another voice saying do not do this unless they have specifically asked for it. Their ‘privacy concerns’ could turn out to be something that changes your life, and you cannot put the toothpaste back into the tube.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t give a DNA test kit even if they specifically requested it. What happens if at some point an insurance company gets access to their data and uses it to underwrite your policy? Privacy is just too much of a Wild West situation.
Seventh Sister
I have no desire to do the DNA tests for privacy reasons, but personally I would love a subscription to something like Ancestry. It seems like a less-invasive way to get some of the questions I have about my family answered (e.g., Why does no one ever talk about my dad’s father’s family? What happened to my maternal great-grandfather’s brother?).
Senior Attorney
I was going to suggest a subscription to Ancestry or similar.
anon for this
I have done all of these, as a child of open adoption interested in finding out more about my heritage. I already knew the names of my bio parents so it was more about finding countries of origin, and maybe a famous relative? (Spoiler: there are no famous relatives.)
If you know that your parents are interested in genealogy, you might consider doing the test yourself, which should connect you several generations back. And honestly there’s not a single test that covers everything, we found the best results by combining the three big ones. But I echo others that this is probably not a great gift for them.
You may want to explore your state or local genealogical societies — the ones near me put on pretty interesting in-person events with speakers a few times a year. Connecting your parents with a resource like that might be valuable to them.
Anon
Just get them an Ancestry subscription without the DNA option and they can decide whether they want to add the DNA later. You can build a good family tree without DNA. The annual subscription is quite expensive so it would be a good gift.
Anon
PS I didn’t have to go back very far to find a lot of first cousin marriages so be warned if that’s going to bother anyone.
AIMS
Maybe a long shot but has anyone used a professional organizer in NYC that they would recommend? I feel like there are drawers and closets in my apartment that will never get situated if I am left to my own devices.
Also, I have and really like this shirt – it’s a great layering piece.
Anon
Tidy tova!
Anonymous
I’m at a stage in my career that I’m herding a lot of cats. I find this emotionally exhausting to the point that it derails my entire workflow. Some days I get no actual work done, and I can only bill like 2 hours because how much can I really bill for – is this done yet, no that wasn’t the question this is the question, please respond to my question yes that means you – type emails that I’m sending all day or waiting for a response before I can do the thing. I can’t delegate more than I already have. Tips for improving my efficiency and/or reducing the emotional toll?
Cat
going in-house, kidding not kidding. That type of stuff counts as actual work when you don’t have to worry about billing for it.
how are your projects staffed? One thing that might help is literally delegating the delegating. Can your admin help serve as a project manager? a senior associate?
A
Would a man bill for those types of coordination activities?
Anonymous
Bill whom? So some client takes the cost of the wrong question or procrastination to give the illusion there wasn’t loss of productivity associated with someone not doing what they needed to? I hope you’re never my attorney.
Anonie
Of course. Clients know (or should know) that they are hiring humans, who sometimes have miscommunication. Obviously you shouldn’t bill for doing nothing, but if you’re spending time clarifying a misunderstanding by an associate you gave a project to for the client, of course bill for that, because they’re receiving the benefit of the associate’s lower rate, and the tradeoff for that is that more training/coaching along the way may be needed.
OP
Well I bill for looking at my notes to see where the project is, sending the email, and then updating my notes. That’s like, .3 or .4 maybe. Then I’ll get an email response and I’ll respond to it right away – maybe another .1 – which distracts me from cat herding for another matter, and now I have to think my way back into it, which doesn’t really feel fair to bill. Why should that client have to pay for me to do the same thing twice just because I got distracted by some other matter. When your individual tasks take so little time, lost transition time kills your day. I’m basically spending longer bouncing among all these different matters than I’m spending on the actual tasks.
I’ve talked to male colleagues about it and they have the same complaints and no solutions. Their hours are just as abysmal.
Anon
You set aside time for sending emails and ignore what comes in during that block. Then set aside time for responding to what comes in.
Anon
This is the way. All my notifications are off and I do not check email constantly. It allows me to be able to focus on one task for a block of time. I am far more efficient using this method than many of my coworkers who jump from small task to small task.
Trish
I am trying to learn to do this and it is so hard. I have to force myself not to respond to emails!
Anonymous
Enough with tying gender to ethics. Can we put this trope to bed already? It’s as gross as tying action to race or any other stereotype.
anon
Agree that some of these comments are getting tiring. Not everything can, or should, be tied to gender norms. The OP says above that her male colleagues are having the same problems.
Anon
Thank you. Agreed.
Anon
It’s also rather insulting to women because it suggests that a stereotypical male approach is the better one. I would argue with that all day long.
Roller girl
1. A Kanban system for vusiualizing and understandign your workflow would help a lot. It would help you see your slack time, identify handoffs and blockers in your process, find patterns, understand your work in progress and plan accordingly.
2. Armed with this understanding of your workflow,you can actively work towards minimizing handoffs or addressing blockers based on the patterns you found in step one.
The handoffs and cat-hearding might be impossible to resolve but it’s really common in a lot of industries, mine included. We’ve developed systems that acknowledge these realities, while allowing us to progress without undue stress.
OP
Thanks, I’ve never heard of this but I’m super interested to learn. Any specific resources you’d recommend?
anon
If email is the hangup, can some of these issues be resolved with a quick phone call? This kind of thing drives me insane, but it is unfortunately part of the job. However, I don’t have the issue of needing to bill my time.
Anon
This is all actual work, especially the ”what is the question” discussion. For the other examples, are the cats junior to you? Are you setting clear deadlines and being clear in your expectations up front?
No Face
This is all work you should bill for. As a more senior person on a file, my primary role is cat herding! The emotional toll will be less because you will be billing for time.
I personally use our system’s timers. If I am working on X, the timer is going. If I need to suddenly switch to Y, I pause the X timer and start the Y timer. When I go back to X, I immediately restart the X timer. I don’t lose transition time.
I also set aside cat herding blocks in my day. If I finish revising a motion, then I’ll refresh my drinks and do some cat herding emails. Then I do another substantive task when my brain is ready for it.
NYNY
I’m sure your drinks are benign, like bubbly water and tea, but I totally pictured whiskey there, No Face! lol
Anon
Yes, totally agree-you aren’t doing this for your personal benefit or for fun so it should be billed. Whether to write it off later is a different question. Could also bill some to mentoring/associate development if that is how things are done at your firm.
Cat
Does anyone have a good felt purse organizer to recommend for medium sized totes (base width about a foot, top a few inches bigger)? There are 800 million options out there and so I’m hoping someone can point me to one they ordered and liked! Looking for one that is good for keeping wallet, keys, phone, sunglasses case, emergency pouch type stuff organized so I never have to root around the bottom.
Anon
I had one from Amazon for a while and I’ll look for a link, but ultimately it didn’t help anything much and ended up adding a lot of weight to my bag and I tossed it.
Anon
Here you go, I used this one and it was nice for the concept but didn’t make my bag better, just heavier
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088FRD2WL/
Anon
same as other posters
looked great in theory, but took up too much space/weight.
now I use ultra-organized Lo & Sons type bags or the big open tote that has a small attached wristlet inside and chaos reigns
Anonymous
I’ve used pouches for this so it’s like a bag within the bag. but i can usually find it by the feel of what it is…
Anon
My preferred approach is also pouches, or a wristlet/clutch kind of thing that holds all my “purse” stuff and can actually be used as a purse so I’m not lugging my tote everywhere.
Cat
I know, this is my current method, except particularly for my walking commute I like easy access to my phone, Airpods, and work ID without having to fumble around with the clutch & zipper.
Anon
I bought several zippered makeup bags from ThredUp, in coordinating colors/patterns, and designated different uses for each one – this is makeup; this is health/medical; this is tech accessories, etc. It works really well for me; I can change bags very easily.
Anon
My mom gave me a nylon one a couple years ago, and I can’t live without it now. I don’t know where she got it (knowing her, probably some ancient catalog company, like Lillian Vernon or Vermont Country Store), but this one is fairly close. I find the handles on top helpful for helping it sit back upright when I’ve tossed too much crap on top of it and it’s smushed in the bottom of my purse. I do keep a zippered pouch inside it for toiletries (lipsticks, bobby pins, spare contacts, etc) – the pouch lives in the center section and other things live in the various pockets. Since it’s nylon, its weight is negligible. https://www.amazon.com/Vercord-Printed-Handbag-Organizer-Pockets/dp/B07DZRY637
Cat
Thanks! lol at the ancient catalog companies. This looks like a good option and exactly how I’d use it – emergency tampons-meds-Tide pen-Chapstick-safety pin-hair tie pouch in the middle, other stuff always tucked in the same pocket so my muscle memory can just stick my arm in and grab what I need.
Senior Attorney
I’ve used this one or similar and found it helpful. Helpful hint: Get a light-colored one because all your belongings get lost in a black hole if you pick a dark one.
Anon
Haha @ Lilian Vernon. My relative gave us a big platter that is personalized with my husband’s name, eg Bob’s Barbecue, never mind that I’m the one who does all the grilling. But you know what? We pull that damned thing out every time I’m cooking a bunch of stuff on the grill – it’s the only thing that can fit it all – and it’s going strong close to 20 years later!
anon
Has anyone left consulting and regretted it? I’m a fairly junior MBB partner and I feel very ready to move on but struggle with a real mindset of scarcity and am moderately convinced I’ll never find anything that I like. I also think that I don’t think I’ve ever regretted a choice to move away from something too soon. Often it’s the opposite- holding on to things and people too long that aren’t working for me.
Anonymous
I don’t have any personal experience in your field to offer you, but I do find it interesting that you’re framing this whole choice in terms of regret. What about playing around with other ways to frame it, and what questions those would raise? Examples: challenge, hope, adventure, growth, freedom, eagerness.
Or, since you know that you think in terms of scarcity, what happens if you try on terms of abundance or generosity or fullness: where is there more than enough? Where is there a chance to experience “enough” and then start being generous with the “more than enough”?
Or look at the regret from the other side: what regrets might you have if you stay?
Anon
Not OP. I think part of it is because MBB culture makes you think you’re a “game changer” or even world changer, and anything else will be less meaningful.
It’s all propaganda, OP. You’ll probably have a more meaningful job anywhere else.
Anon
In my circles, everyone regretted staying too long. Financial need / loans can be a variable, but that is usually an excuse.
life is long, but can be better
anonchicago
I left a big 4 strategy practice 2 years ago and don’t regret it at all. My career progression isn’t as steep and my colleagues who stayed in consulting are making much more now, but I also feel that I have more control over my time and able to say no in a way that wasn’t acceptable in consulting.
I talk to my consulting colleagues occasionally and they all seem so miserable. I do think there’s a window for leaving consulting where your comp isn’t partner level and your responsibilities are such that they transition well to industry. I know those that have stayed in consulting for their Goldilocks exit find it harder and harder to get roles that pay what they want and end up stuck in consulting.
Anon
As a slightly more junior consultant than the OP, what’s that right tenure to leave at?
Cat
the Biglaw equivalent is leaving around years 5-7 — you’ve seen enough to have a decent starting point for organizing your own projects vs. relying on others to give direction.
anonish
As a former consulting refugee, I would concur and say around the manager/senior manager level (prior to managing director or partner). I stayed a wee bit too long at 10 years and had to initially take a pay cut but overall way happier in-house at a tech firm (IANAL).
Anon
That is true about partner level comp.
It’s one of those career paths where the prize for winning the pie eating contest is more pie. That’s true in a lot of careers but particularly so in consulting.
A
I’ve never met anyone who regrets leaving consulting. I know people who are willing to stay, or even enjoy it, but I know a solid amount of people who have done consulting and not one who left regretted it.
anonchicago
Also, I would add if you leave and are miserable in your new role, you can always go back! My firm had a lot of boomerangs who left at the M/SM level, went to industry for awhile, and came back as equity or non equity partners. I’ve seen plenty of LI profiles from former MBB folks who did similar. Quite honestly, if I hit a ceiling and my daughter is a bit older I might consider it myself for a few years. The money definitely is nice.
Anonymous
Different situation but I will offer that I left BigLaw as a senior associate and do miss it. I really loved the specific work I did in a niche practice area, and was great at it, and I worked at an amazing firm, but hated the hours. I ultimately got very sick and after my disability leave did not feel I could continue to do the work at the same level I did before and went in house.
I have the dream in house job – amazing coworkers, well compensated, good work life balance, really interesting work. I’ve been very successful and I have no plans on leaving. But I just sometimes really miss my old practice area and the work I used to do. It would not fit into my current lifestyle (kids, weekends free, etc.) but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. It doesn’t exist in house in the same form, otherwise I would look into that.
My advice is that you will find something great and it’s ok if you miss your old job sometimes. I think in consulting/BigLaw/Big4 there’s this mindset of “you can never find interesting work again” which is just not true. There’s also a huge emphasis on your first job out of one of those firms – they make it sound like if you don’t like your next job your career will never recover. Careers are more flexible than that. If you get a job and don’t like it, you get a new one. If you miss consulting, you go back or you go to a different type of consulting firm. It’s hard to break out of the linear career path thinking (e.g., advancing up the ranks until partner) at these firms but careers be rewarding in many different ways not contemplated by that path.
Anonforthis
I was in MBB consulting for a while and have a lot of friends from those days. No one I know regrets leaving (myself included). No one thinks they left too soon. If anything people think they stayed too long.
If you feel ready to move on – do it! MBB creates this culture where they tell you that you are the cream of the crop and have this unparalleled opportunity to create impact doing amazing work that you’ll never get to do anywhere else. Don’t believe it. Since leaving, I find my current job way more interesting, meaningful, and impactful, I have better work life balance and more control over my hours, and I make a lot more money. Pretty much all my former-MBB friends feel the same way.
Anon
Just a quick follow up from yesterday. I finally got a chance to speak with my H this morning about his comment on my clothing yesterday. I said that it was my body and I will choose what I wear. I wear what I feel is appropriate and I don’t dress for anyone else.
I also added that I would like him to dig deeper into why he has such jealousy/insecurity or this relationship may not work anymore. This is not the first time something like this has happened and we have had multiple conversations about it. I actually had tole him a while back that I would not consider couples counseling until he could work on his jealousy/insecurity/controlling behavior. So, I said, is that something you are willing to do? His response, “what?”. So I explained it all again! And again asked is that something you are willing to do? He said, why is it up to me? Why is it always about you?
Ugh! Not sure where this is going to go, but he has no understanding that his comments are not ok.
anon
This does not sound like a good relationship, friend.
Chl
Oh I am so sorry.
Cat
that response tells me all I need to know. I’m so sorry. I would leave.
Anon
Ooof, hard to gauge a whole relationship on one interaction, but this doesn’t sound like a good one. Sometimes I think the post here is the final straw and if you need encouragement to leave, I would knowing nothing else.
Anonymous
I hope his comment was knee jerk defensiveness and not how he actually thinks. I would ask tonight if he’s had a chance to think more about your conversation this morning.
I can only imagine how crestfallen you must have felt when he said “what?” like he wasn’t even listening. And then for him to turn it around on you – which is the whole crux of the issue! HIS jealousy is a problem for HIM to fix; his insistence that YOU should just act right and then he wouldn’t be triggered is a no win situation because he will find a way to be triggered no matter what. If you wore a burlap sack every time you went outside he would complain you’re showing too much leg. There is nothing you can do to fix his jealousy, so yes it is always about him and will continue to be until he actually works on himself.
Anonymous
I see gaslighting and an unwillingness to connect with you Go to therapy on your own and leave this ass behind
Senior Attorney
Same, alas. Definitely get yourself to therapy and work on figuring out how to proceed.
Anne-on
I’m sorry but this doesn’t sound like it’s a good relationship for you to be in. I know everyone loves to say divorce around here but…maybe start getting your finances in order and look at homes/apartments in your area so you’re clear eyed on what your options and next steps are if you do decide to go in that direction?
Anon
You’re married to my husband’s long-lost twin, I see. “Whaaa? You explained a perfectly simple and logical concept and I’m going to pretend that you’re babbling incoherently.” In normal-people world, we call this gaslighting.
It doesn’t get better. It’s hell. I’m the one leaving after the holidays are over.
Anon.
I’m sorry, Anon.
Anon
Thank you. I really needed to hear that, because everyone around my husband says that he’s such a good person and I’m so awful for having problems. A lot of it stems from living in a red part of America and H runs in verrrrry evangelical circles. There is so much bs about patriarchy and marriage, it’s hard to know which way is up.
Anon
Thank you. I really needed to hear that, because everyone around my husband says that he’s such a good person and I’m so awful for having problems. A lot of it stems from living in a red part of America and H runs in verrrrry evangelical circles. There is so much bs about patriarchy and marriage, it’s hard to know which way is up.
Anon
OMG everyone thought my first husband was such a nice guy! He was absolutely not a nice guy to me, where it counted, when no one else could see. Don’t let this influence your decision. I am SO, SO happy to have divorced him and only regret waiting so long.
Anon
If I had a dollar for every time someone said OMG but he was so nice when I announced my divorce from my first husband, I would be a rich woman by now. Once my friends actually learned the details of how he treated me, they were horrified that I didn’t leave sooner. He was absolutely the life of the party in public though.
Anon
Hugs
anon
There must have been triplets, because I was with this guy for 10 years and kept working on myself in the hope that it would get better (never mentioning male coworkers, never accepting a ride from a man, never really mentioning any men). And this was a charismatic, fun guy that everyone adored. I twisted myself like a pretzel to make it work, but ultimately left because I was exhausted by getting accused of things that never happened.
Anon
Oh my…I’m sorry to read this update. He’s trying to gaslight you, putting blame on you instead of doing that reflection of his own behavior.
Anon
This isn’t how a conversation would go in a healthy relationship. You deserve better.
Anonymous
Just go to a divorce lawyer. You don’t need his buy in or agreement you need to protect yourself.
OOO
OP I am with you on almost all of this, but why are you resistant to starting couples therapy now? If he is willing to go to couples therapy now then I would do that. Given his behavior I don’t think you should expect him to work on his jealousy/control issues on his own. The therapist will help him see that his behavior is not appropriate. Of course couples therapy would only be if you think this relationship is worth salvaging.
Anon
Disagree with couple’s therapy. My soon to be ex husband is a master at presenting himself as a victim during therapy.
Step 1: he does something cruel
Step 2: I ask him to stop
Step 3: he acts like I’m wrong and nutty or sticks his fingers in his ears
Step 4: months and months of discussions, arguments, fights
Step 5: couples therapy, wherein he says he was “wrong” to have thought that but the fighting scares him and I’m big and bad and awful and scary. I say “you did this two weeks ago.” He says I’m lying and gives the big eyes to the therapist.
Step 6: goes right back to being cruel.
Maybe that’s just my joke of a marriage? But I recommend individual therapy.
Anonymous
This is why couples’ therapy is not recommended in cases where one party is trying to exert power and control over the other.
Anon
My first husband manipulated the marriage counselor masterfully.
She may have been on “his side” in the end, but watching him do that made me realize he was never going to stop doing it to me.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, going to couples therapy with an abuser (which it sounds like OP’s husband is at least an incipient emotional abuser) is absolutely contra-indicated. My husband used our joint counseling sessions to list all my supposed failings in great detail, while I mostly just cried. Ugh. Do not recommend.
Anon
Yep that was my experience with couples therapy too. It only works if both parties are actually trying to do better. Narcissists use it as a platform to stroke their ego. I thought the therapist was on his side, but at the end of our “we’re getting a divorce” mediation session, which he stormed out of while I cried hysterically, the therapist gave me a hug and said “for the record, you’re absolutely doing the right thing”. It was honestly the most healing part of therapy for me.
Anonymous
He absolutely understands that his comments are not ok, he just doesn’t care. This will not change for the better at all, and often this kind of thing just keeps getting worse.
My advice is therapy for yourself and to start working on your exit strategy.
Anon
Individual counseling for you, OP, to help you figure out how to leave this marriage.
NaoNao
I think the “what?” was an emotional reaction not literal. Telling someone “you have a serious behavioral issue, serious enough I’m going to suggest either marriage consoling or breakup” is startling and upsetting. I’m NOT defending what sounds like a huge PITA person, but “what?!?” is a common reaction to a Big Statement that might feel like it’s coming out of “nowhere” for him.
I will say “it’s my body and I’ll do what I want” does feel a touch defensive and antagonistic. Yes, he’s in the wrong for making little snipes and digs at you, but starting off throwing verbal hand grenades and then going into “are you going to cut it out or do we need therapy?” would make almost anyone feel defensive and on the wrong foot. “Is that something you’re willing to do” is straight out of the Ask a Manager playbook and if those were the exact words, they feel VERY “supervisor speaking to a subordinate” and I personally would never talk to my spouse that way. It feels very…high handed and corpo-speak. “What do you think about that?” “What’s our path forward” or something with US/WE not “can you do that for me?” with the implied power dynamic I think would be a more successful approach. If someone slapped a “hey, serious issue, stop immediately or we need therapy, can you do that for me?” my head would be spinning too!
To me, successful couples focus on the problem, not who’s right. The problem is that you and he have different ideas about what constitutes respect + fidelity or where attention seeking or whatever you want to call it belongs. To him, dressing up or dressing in certain clothes feels hurtful and disrespectful. To you it does not.
The issue is “how can we find common ground and a solution or compromise” not “you will zip it and learn to accept that I will do what I want”–personally I find that antithetical to a happy and harmonious relationship. It would both me if my husband was making little snipes about my dress-up to work outfits, and I’d sit him down for sure. But he also does this “wha?!” type stuff and I’ve learned the following:
When you say something this serious, you’ve been thinking about it, practicing it, and going over it in your mind for days or even weeks. It’s not new and it’s already very clear and concrete to you. But this is *brand new* for him and the “what?” is likely a verbal stall/I need to process this/what just happened/I’m scared verbalization. It makes me bananas too, my husband does that occasionally as well.
When that happens I pare it down to one point and walk him through it using “I” statements.
“When you make little digs about my outfit, I feel hurt and confused. It’s become enough of an issue that I’m worried about us. We need to find a solution because me changing clothing based on vague little digs isn’t it.”
Anon
Ok you obviously didn’t read what OP wrote, because this wasn’t new and wasn’t out of the blue for her husband.
Anonymous
You listen to OP almost as badly as her husband does. “The problem” as you put it is not about dressing up, because OP is not dressing up. She was dressing for work the same way she always does in an outfit husband had seen many times but that day he decided to take issue with it. This is not rational behavior. It is not an us/we problem. This is also not a new problem – OP tells us they have talked about it before and he promised to improve, but now he’s backsliding again, likely because whatever “change” she saw was intended to shut her up not actually change his problematic thought patterns.
The problem here is that he feels entitled to insult, control, and scapegoat her for every bad feeling that originates within himself. She is his punching bag. It may be only a matter of time before that is no longer a metaphor.
It is horrifying to see a tirade like your posted on this s i t e – or anywhere – faulting a woman for standing up to her abuser. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Anon
(Standing ovation)
Anonymous
+1 excellent summary of the situation
Anonymous
I guarantee he understands that his comments are not OK. That’s why he’s making them.
Anonymous
Did anyone watch the debate last night? I dislike both men, so I didn’t, but curious to hear reviews.
Anonymous
What debate
Anon
Gavin Newsom and Ron DeSantis had a debate
Anonymous
Why?!
Anon
Because they are both the presumptive second option to octogenarian front runners. They are also both governors of large states who take vet different approaches to leadership.
Frankly, I wish we had more things like this. Maura Healey vs Kim Reynolds would be great, and not in a “roast marshmallows over the train wreck” way.
Anonymous
Gavin Newsome isn’t running for President idk why this debate would mean anything at all
Anon
Anon at 2:25 pm, a fair number of people disagree with you.
Financial Times, “Is Gavin Newsom running a ‘shadow campaign’ for US president?”
https://www.ft.com/content/1b838c83-bb9e-4e4b-8301-d19a95feb946
The Guardian, “Newsom 2024: could the California governor be a rival to Joe Biden?”
https://amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/nov/12/california-gavin-newsom-biden-president-2024
WSJ, “WSJ Opinion: Is Gavin Newsom Running for President?”
https://www.wsj.com/video/series/journal-editorial-report/wsj-opinion-is-gavin-newsom-running-for-president/3FFEFB74-23B1-4C61-9855-231F20A0E406
Biden is old and he’s underwater to Trump in a lot of polls. Kamala is not popular; shes one heartbeat away and that heartbeat isn’t strong. She can’t be the VP of Newsom tops the ticket (from the same state), so the Dems can find a different VP without alienating her few supporters. Plus, 56 year old Newsom vs 80 year old Trump is a better matchup.
Anonymous
Exactly!
AIMS
I only caught 5 minutes at the end but it made me realize how much I would love to get past the current political cycle. I can’t stand desantis but it was just nice to see two people up there who are not trump and Biden. I actually don’t mind Biden, but the fact that he comes across as so old and other people take issue with it just makes me want to move on already from both of them.
Anonymous
Someone made the point, and it resonated with me, that it always seems like people like Democratic ideas and policies but hate THIS democrat. So what they really want is some generic democrat that hasn’t been endlessly vilified by sprawling right wing media apparatus that has made the person bad and that will just never exist.
anon
That’s not true. Generic republicans generally win polling.
Anonymous
Do generic Republicans exist anymore?
Anonymous
Only in hypotheticals from polls.
Anonie
Watched the clips on Twitter. Gavin Newsom is awesome.
Trish
For the love of all that is holy, I beg the conservatives on here to dig into the dangerous antics of Gov. DeSantis before choosing him as a nominee. He is removing elected Democratic politicians from office based on little to no cause and backed by his handpicked court. A good friend who is a life-long southern Baptist Republican will not vote for him again. I will change parties and nominate Trump because DeSantis is a danger to our Republic. I mean, there are other choices such as Haley and Christie!
Anonymous
Paging anyone with better internet search skills than me. I am looking for a button/contraption that makes a cricket chirping noise when pressed.
I do not want the “never-ending cricket noise” things, or a practical joke, nor do I want a stuffed animal that makes a cricket noise until you press it off.
Think an “easy” button but the cricket noise comes out. If there were a stuffed animal, that would be okay too as long as it only made noise when you engaged the button.
Why do I need this? It’s going with a teacher gift for one of my kids. She’s getting a big gift card and a plant from the class, but apparently her catch phrase in class is “cricket button” when nobody has an answer so the kids want to get her an actual button to make the noise, and as the room parent I fully support this silly idea. These kids are the same kids that won a class reward for good behavior. Classes normally choose things like PJ day, movie-in-class day, etc but this group of kids decided they wanted to spend their reward points on having their teacher to come in and teach class in a pickle costume all day. Which she did. Nothing makes 10 year olds respect you like following through on a promise for a full on pickle suit.
Anonymous
would this kind of thing work? looks like you can record anything onto it…
https://www.amazon.com/Neutral-Recording-Seconds-Talking-Recordable/dp/B07MNM5VCQ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=GXUH2FRCG25A&keywords=button+to+play+recorded+message&qid=1701444200&sprefix=button+to+play+recorded%2Caps%2C98&sr=8-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1
also i LOVE the pickle suit story, that is gold.
Anonymous
YES, thank you! I just bought the green one and will make a label for it. My kid and I spent like 30 minutes looking last night!
Anonymous
Could you get a recordable button and record the cricket noise yourself? FluentPet makes recordable buttons for dog training, but I’m sure there’s something cheaper out there.
Anonymous
Maybe get a «big red button» with sound, one of those you can record a sound on, and record your own?
Add a cricket sticker on top.
Look at «dog button» as well.
Anon
This teacher sounds amazing!
Anon
The reviews on this aren’t great, but it could work for what you are looking for: https://www.amazon.com/ArtCreativity-Clickers-Assorted-Children-Decorations/dp/B08MKZ7RY5/ref=sr_1_15?keywords=cricket+noise+maker&qid=1701447849&sr=8-15
crickets
The very quiet cricket book by Eric Carle has a chirp at the end of you buy the board book version
Anon.
I would have loved to have a teacher like that.
Anon
OMG Felicity Huffman saying she had to cheat to get her kid into college.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/ushome/index.html
I’m sure my city’s parent do this on a softer in-felony side (like volunteering at the school so your kid is better known and gets chosen for things), but ugh it is hard to see. My kids don’t seem to stand a chance against this, so I get why people feel like they have to do it to even the playing field. Ugh.
Anne-on
OMG Felicity Huffman saying she had to cheat to get her kid into college.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/ushome/index.html
I’m sure my city’s parent do this on a softer in-felony side (like volunteering at the school so your kid is better known and gets chosen for things), but ugh it is hard to see. My kids don’t seem to stand a chance against this, so I get why people feel like they have to do it to even the playing field. Ugh.
Anon
The quote is taken out of context. The interview was very remorseful and she said at the time she felt like she had to cheat to get into college, but she now sees how wrong that was. I’m not excusing her behavior, but she was not trying to justify it in the interview. That quote makes it sound like she was though!
Anon
Still: how must it be to be her kid and hear that this is what your mom thinks of you. And if this kid wants to be in the profession, college isn’t a limiting factor with this sort of family connection. I mean, if Nicola Peltz can be an actress, I’m sore her kid could also.
Seventh Sister
It’s really, really common for the kids of Very Famous People to be cast in movies/TV. All someone like Huffman would have to do is make a call, or make it a requirement on her next project.
Anon
Yeah, I agree it’s terrible for the kid to hear and I also don’t understand why college is necessary for a wannabe actress with two famous actor parents. I guess the parents wanted her to go to college, but the whole thing seems silly.
Anonymous
Didn’t her kid have terrible grades, no extracurriculars, and no desire to actually go to college? I mean it’s probably technically correct that the only way that kid was getting into college was bribery. Some kids should not go to college. And the parents of those kids should not try to force the kid to do something they clearly don’t want to do.
Anon
I mean, how bad were her scores and maybe she needed an IEP and a neuropathy evaluation to help DX learning disabilities? I have an autistic kid with ADHD and anxiety and there is a life path for her and it is a struggle to work with her and professionals to figure that out. Just cheating her into college isn’t likely to help a problem. With no supports, my kid might fail at a trade school or job or the military, so college without supports likely wouldn’t work, either. But a good OT and psychologist and psychiatrist are likely part of the army helping her for the rest of her life. But she has gotten to where she may go for the Girl Scout gold award this year, so she is capable of a lot and has a heart for serving others, so there will be a place for her in this world as a grownup. Where it is and how she gets there, we are all trying to figure that out.
Anon
Should be neuropsychiatric exam
Anon
I volunteer in schools and can assure you it has no impact on college admissions and if any parent was doing it for that reason, the teachers and admins would see right through it. They weren’t born yesterday. There are definitely ways rich people give their kids an advantage, but it comes more in the areas of test prep and unique summer experiences.
Anon
Or, like buying a building or endowing a fund. But that’s beyond the reach of those who would simply volunteer.
Anon
I mean, there was an entire FBI investigation into rich people cheating their kids into college.
Anon
Yes, I know… I was talking about legal methods. They are plenty of ways rich people (legally) buy their kids into college, but volunteering in the schools, as OP suggested, isn’t it.
Anonymous
I don’t think there is much difference between what Huffman did and what I see other parents doing except that she crossed the line into outright fraud. I know a mom who did her daughter’s Girl Scout Gold Award project for her and orchestrated a bunch of media coverage. This level of steamrolling does feel necessary for parents of generic suburban white girls who want to attend top schools. That’s why I have talked my generic extremely high-achieving suburban white daughter into applying to lower-ranked schools.
As a UCLA graduate, the one thing I find incomprehensible is why this woman would commit fraud to get her daughter into USC.
Anon
You also re the Gold Award? I have seen it and it just makes me stick to my stomach. IDK that dads do that but it seems that the moms in my city are out of control. The Xmas cards I get are like a marketing piece for their kids: Joey is the captain of the football team, here is a link to his highlight reel, etc. just garbage. Can’t wait to roll the clock forward to “Johnette is a middle manager and we couldn’t be prouder,”.
Anonymous
I have also seen moms do most of the Eagle Scout project. Whyyyyyy?
Anon
Her daughter goes (went?) to Carnegie Mellon drama. I think it was Lori Laughlin who did it for USC.
I disagree that this level of steamrolling is “necessary.” Yes, the Ivies will always be a crapshoot even for the brightest kids and few kids will be accepted everywhere they apply. But I interview for my fancy alma matter and we still take plenty of suburban white kids who aren’t particularly unique beyond great grades and test scores.
Anonymous
She should at least apply to some reach schools.
Anon
Yeah I think it’s really sad to discourage a very high-achieving kid (especially a girl) from applying to top schools. Manage expectations so she won’t have a Paris Geller-style meltdown when she doesn’t get into Harvard, absolutely. But it’s silly not to even try.
Anon
I would actively discourage my child from applying to Harvard. They get 55,000 applications for 2,000 slots. To them, you’re just a number, there to help drive down the acceptance rate.
Anon
I don’t know. I went to MIT, so it’s a little different than the Ivies because of the STEM focus, but I definitely see a gendered component to it. Every white or Asian male with good grades and test scores seems to throw his hat in the ring, but it seems like girls and under-represented minorities don’t apply unless they have truly phenomenal credentials. It bums me out for high-achieving girls especially to be discouraged from reach schools.
Anon
What makes you think I didn’t apply to MIT? I did. 800 math (late 1990s), 5s on all APs, top grades, great athlete – wasn’t enough to get me in even back then. Hence why I wouldn’t really encourage a child now.
Anon
I was replying to the poster who said she’d discourage her daughter from applying to top schools. I got rejected from several Ivies too even though I got into MIT and other Ivies. No one (well, almost no one) is going to get in everywhere but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth applying. And I especially find it discouraging that girls seem to have a much higher threshold for feeling qualified to apply than boys, and think parents should encourage girls to rethink their internal biases the same way a good boss will encourage women who have a hard time putting themselves up for promotion or awards.
Anon
Anon at 2:29, I am the poster who said that she would not encourage her child (a boy FYI) to apply to Harvard (12:33 pm), and I’m also the one who didn’t get into MIT (1:44 pm).
In my opinion, once the acceptance rate gets much below 10%, it’s just a waste of time, money, and hope.
I have watched people refuse to apply ED or EDII to schools where they had a solid shot because they were hoping against hope to be that “three percent” who gets into HYPSM. I would much rather my kid throw his hat into the ring for Harvey Mudd than to just be a number to Harvard.
anon
But your daughter isn’t you.
She may shine in ways you don’t.
My brother was the truly brilliant one with perfect SATs, APs etc..
I was top, but had more breath than he did.
I almost didn’t apply to any reach schools, because my brother didn’t get into any of the top top IVYs/MIT/Stanford. I did. I have many strengths he did not.
Different places look for a different mix of things.
I mean, financial reasons and the most important reasons not to apply to places is they are unaffordable, and tempering expectations is fine. But don’t totally discourage your kids.. especially your girls….
Anon
I agree with Anon at 4:19. I definitely understanding not applying to colleges you won’t be able to pay for, but I think it’s a shame to discourage kids from applying somewhere just because you yourself didn’t get in. Everyone is different and as long as your kid goes into it with their eyes open that admission to these kind of schools is not a sure thing even for the best and brightest, I don’t see the harm in applying.
This is very specific, but I’m also not convinced it’s all that much easier to get into Harvey Mudd than MIT. Acceptance rates are far from the whole story – it also really matters who you’re competing against. Obviously both schools have many exceptional applicants, but there are more mediocre kids who apply to MIT than Harvey Mudd because MIT has so much more brand recognition with the general public. The student bodies at the two schools have very similar SAT scores.
Anonymous
USC is definitely the college of choice for a lot of wealthy families whose kids cannot get into UCLA but want to stay in LA. Going elsewhere in the area doesn’t have the social cache the families want. There’s a reason it’s know as the university of spoiled children. I’ll add, some of these parents understand very little about college admissions, especially Hollywood stars who didn’t go to college themselves. I can kind of understand why they fell for that “consultant’s” fraud.
Anonymous
That’s my point, though. Why on earth would you pay a ton of money and cheat to get your kid into a school with that kind of reputation when there are many other fine colleges your child could get into that aren’t in LA and when your kid should probably spend a few years in a place that isn’t LA? That is what makes rich famous people different from normal people, I guess.
Anonymous
Idk, I was a suburban upper middle class white girl at a good public school and I got into a bunch of ivies, as did my friends. I graduated college in 2007.
Anon
I’m the same and now have kids within a year or so of college applications, and can assure you it’s a different world these days. My kids’ friends who would have gone to Yale in 2002 are now lucky if they get in to Vandy.
Anonymous
I find it wild that people are all worked up about getting into Vandy these days. When I attended college it was a backup school!
Anon
People said the exact same thing 20 years ago though, “oh it was so much easier 20 years ago.”
Fwiw, I know a bunch of upper middle class white kids who’ve gone to Ivies and other very selective colleges in the last five years. They are all very bright and accomplished kids, but none of them are Olympic athletes or national science fair champions or anything like that. It’s still totally possible for generic upper middle class white kids to get into top schools.
Seventh Sister
She is so full of sh*t.
Way before the college cheating scandal, I remember listening to her interviewed on some morning show. She was all like, “my kids never watch TV, I want them to have imaginations!” Her husband was the voice of Curious George on PBS at the time! Which I knew because my kids watched lots and lots of TV.
Talk about a world-class hypocrite.
Senior Attorney
Yeah she needs to just stop.
Anon
I like this shirt, but the reviews say it fits like a crop top. Where have the regular length shirts gone? I definitely can’t wear a crop top under a blazer.
BeenThatGuy
I think the words “crop top” should be banned from clothing marketing. It’s so confusing. I would generally steer away because, to me, that sounds like it means a mid-drift bearing shirt. But it can also be a shirt that ends at your waist and would a perfect length with high rise pants. And of course, add in the fact that everyone’s torso is a different length. It’s crazy making and I just don’t have room for it in my brain!
Cat
I agree, and FYI the word is “midriff”
BeenThatGuy
oh jeez, good catch! See, I told you my brain can’t even handle the topic!
GCA
Not double-layer, but every few years I get a batch of solid-colored long-sleeve crewneck t-shirts from Target and wear them under blazers all winter. They are definitely full length.
Anon
I just bought some awesome long sleeve tees (ribbed) from Target that work great under sweaters and blazers or on their own for dressing down. They are the perfect length on me.
Anon
Where do I find an in-person math and science tutor for an 8th grader? And what’s the going rate?
The school is less than zero help, the SuperProf tutors I reached out to didn’t want the job, and the local parents FB group didn’t have any recs. I’m floundering!
Anon
Mathnasium for math — it is a national chain and they work via zoom also. Pricey but our home life is better since going there.
IDK re science.
Anonymous
Did you ask the school? Or more specifically, his/her math and science teachers? I’m sure they have recommendations.
My friend is a math tutor; she does middle and high school math. She said she is largely word of mouth now but when she started she networked with the teachers in town.
Anon
Local university is probably the best place to look if you want one-on-one tutoring. Lots of STEM undergrads make money tutoring on the side.
Rates are going to depend heavily on your local area and the qualifications of the tutor. I made over $100/hour tutoring math more than 10 years ago in the Bay Area and I have a friend who made double that more recently in NYC, but we were both college graduates with degrees from prestigious schools and those are very HCOL cities. I can’t imagine anyone paying that much for a local college in my current Midwest city.
Anon
Call up the high school; they usually have a list of tutors. Be prepared to pay big $$ – good math and science tutors usually have an undergrad degree in the subject and price their time accordingly. (For reference, I charged $75/hour on 2016.)
Anon
Is there a college or university near you? As a STEM student in college, I had a part time job tutoring a number of middle and high school kids in my neighborhood. Some were long-time family friends, the rest were word-of-mouth referrals from those families.
Anonymous
Your local mom’s group/FB page, etc. I tutored in university and my rate was $30/h, though I was severely undercharging for my time and parents would ‘accidentally’ forget to pick up their kids and I would end up doing free babysitting.
Anon
Ask the school, if a peer tutor is ok.
Anon
Some high schools require volunteer hours if a student wants to tutor. Like, if you’re in a service club, or NHS.
Anonymous
$40-50/hour for an adult tutor, MCOL.
Anonymous
You could check your local library to see if they have a bulletin board where a tutor might advertise. I suggest that because my area tutors often meet with kids for test prep in the library.
This would be the sort of thing I’d ask another parent in the neighborhood, especially if they have older kids.
Sunshine
When I was in high school and my parents were unimpressed with my writing and math instruction, they contacted a local private school with a stellar reputation and asked if any of the English and math teachers would be interested in tutoring me. They ended up hiring one of each.
Anon
Are you near a university? Call the math department!
I specifically found a math tutor for my then similar aged daughter by contacting the local university’s actuarial club. They had a social media page. We loved our tutor – he was a foreign student & couldn’t go home often, so he became part of our family.
I think we paid $30/hour. It might be more now. My kid just graduated from college.
Anon
My mom is a teacher and makes $75/hour tutoring on the side.
Anonymous
Venting here because in real life I just have to smile and pretend I don’t care. I am a serious amateur lyric mezzo-soprano. I have a bachelor’s degree in music performance and used to get paid to play my main instrument. I sing in my church’s all-volunteer choirs, including the main choir and the select chamber choir, and in the chorus associated with our city’s major symphony orchestra. The church choir director asked me to sing a huge soprano solo in our upcoming concert. I have been rehearsing the main section of the solo with the choir and everything seems to be going fine. There is a little fiddly thing at the end of the piece, distinct from the main solo, that is very high and more suited to a soprano, but it is still within the expected performance range of a mezzo and my very picky voice teacher thinks I can do it just fine. We have not rehearsed this section yet. The director asked me to prepare that section to sing for him so he could decide whether to have me do it or to ask one of the sopranos to take it. I just found out that he told one of the sopranos “I need you to sing the end section because Anon can’t handle it,” without even hearing me sing it. This is the dude’s usual MO–he is extremely conflict-averse and will just avoid difficult conversations. He also refuses to give any direct feedback on any solo, duet, etc. work that anyone does for him, which to me feels incredibly disrespectful of the work I put in. For example, a couple of us and the pianist scrambled to put together a challenging duet when he needed coverage for services a couple of weeks ago. He listened to the recording but never said a single word about it, not even “thank you.” He also has a habit of making snide comments to the whole group that always feel like they are directed towards individual people. It all feels pretty disrespectful and I am frankly sick of being treated like I’m in high school. I am about ready to start auditioning for paid ringer positions at other churches as they come up, but I don’t want to give up the community and friendships I have developed at our church. And the director also happens to be the father of my daughter’s close friend, so quitting would be super awkward. I would love to just sit the dude down and tell him to man up and start treating us like adults and giving us notes like a normal conductor, but that’s not my place. Ugh. WWYD?
For anyone who wants to say “chill–it’s just a hobby”—for me it’s not just a hobby. Music has always been the one thing I truly care about, and my job is just to pay the bills because I did not want to end up living with my parents forever like my classmates who tried to be full-time professional musicians.
Cat
Here is permission to withdraw from regular church choir performances and also keep attending the same church. Perhaps you could do just Christmas or Easter performance if you want to still participate without the day-in-day-out drama of someone who really isn’t appreciative of the fact he’s got a VOLUNTEER group to run.
Anon
YMMV, but I’d go to him and say something directly. “Joe, it was my understanding that I was going to perform the piece for you so we could see whether it would work for the performance. I just found out that you told someone else I couldn’t handle it, but you hadn’t heard me sing it. What happened?” Then stop talking. Let him sit in the conflict and face it.
Anon
I agree with this and I usually don’t think confrontation is the way to get things done. But I do think there are situations where people need to be confronted to give a justification for their behavior, and this is one of those times. At the very least, OP will walk away from the conversation knowing where she stands, and if she needs to invest any more time and energy into the choir. If the director has decided she can’t cut it/isn’t what he’s looking for, she’s better off finding another outlet for her singing than she would be trying to stay in and “dazzle him” somehow, eventually.
Anon
Yeah you have to be extremely direct OP. Nothing else is going to work. Relying on social norms of politeness and consideration are absolutely not the path with someone like this.
I actually do not recommend just flouncing. That’s going to reinforce his views.
Winter
This is good advice. Try to say it warmly, with a big smile. Ie, make it a conversation, not a conflict.
Anonymous
If you refuse to even try talking to him about it Idk what you think will change
anonshmanon
I noticed that as well. On the one hand you call the guy conflict avoidant, but then you reason yourself out of talking to him straight because it will make things awkward? Can’t have it both ways.
OP
The thing is that IME you might have a talk like this with your boss at work, but in music you do NOT challenge the conductor, ever. You can occasionally ask a question (e.g., where exactly do you want that final consonant?) but you have to be very careful that it doesn’t sound as if you weren’t paying attention to how they conducted it or you are criticizing their interpretation. Although I am used to much larger, more professionally run ensembles. This church music thing is a whole weird new world.
Anon
It’s a church choir, not the Berliner. You can absolutely speak to a local church choir director however you please! Don’t feed this dude’s ego by treating him like he’s a Solti.
JD
You’re ready to walk, so you have nothing to lose. I’d go for it. If you are polite, it’s on him if he makes it awkward between your families.
anonshmanon
I am sure you are in the best position to gauge the culture, but I guess if the conductor expects to be treated as the ‘maestro’, this better be the New York City Ballet, not an all volunteer choir. Just think about it, you are all there because it is fun and fulfilling, and he is making it unpleasant. Yet he relies on all of your voices (some of them clearly well trained), otherwise he doesn’t have a choir.
Sometimes it just takes one person who is willing to walk away to poke serious holes in a perceived culture of ‘you can’t change x’.
Anon
+1 if this is important, sometimes you have to deal with some discomfort.
Anonie
How did you “find out”? +1 to talk to him directly, duh. And even if he says that is what he’s decided, plead your case. Directors are human too. And who knows, maybe the other soprano told him she should be able to do it because she didn’t think you could (or even that you had said you couldn’t but were too embarrassed to admit it), and the director was just like, ok fine, whatever works best for the performance.
But also if the overall atmosphere is toxic, your options are (1) deal with it (2) quit (3) try to change it. So, maybe you do sit him down and have a conversation about it.
As a former choir geek myself (through college), I’d probably go with (1) if the choir is otherwise one you have to be with. As you know far better than me, a goofy/crummy director is often the price of admission. You get to decide if the price is too high.
Anonymous
I overheard him say it to the soprano and then she came to me to verify the exact spots she needed to cover. I felt badly for her because he had recently put me in a similar position–told me to sing something that another person thought she was doing, without telling that person or letting me know that someone else had previously been assigned to the part. I don’t really even want to plead my case about this specific solo because that seems petty and juvenile; I just want him to start communicating directly and stop being an insufferable passive-aggressive jerk.
In terms of whether the choir is one I have to be with and whether it’s worth the price of admission, that’s a difficult question. I like the repertoire we are doing in chamber choir and don’t know where I’d get that otherwise. Our family is committed to this church and I have a formal leadership role outside of choir that runs for two more years, so it would be a bad look for me to go sing somewhere else. On the other hand, my teacher has been encouraging me to look at better church choirs because our main choir is just middling. If I could score a paid section leader post at another church it might be somewhat more defensible as the next step in my “career.” I am kicking myself for not applying for a position that closed a couple of weeks ago, just to see what might happen. The other thing I could do is just quit singing in church at all and only sing with the symphony chorus for a while, but Mr. Conflict-Averse would get his knickers in a knot about that too and it would burn bridges.
I guess I need to suck it up and have the conversation. What I’d really like to say is “So here is all the evidence from your behavior that you think I am a terrible singer. Now that I’ve reached this conclusion, what do you expect me to do?” Not going to phrase it quite that way, ha. I also have to tread very carefully because he is extremely well-connected in the local choral music community and I don’t want him bad-mouthing me to anyone, although for all I know he’s already doing that in his special “I’m not saying anything but you know what I mean” way. This dude is the kind of drama queen who’s all, “I’m not dramatic, you’re dramatic,” while spreading drama everywhere.
Anon
I admittedly no next to nothing about music, but it sounds to me like you’re taking this too personally. It sounds like he thought your voice wasn’t right for the part, but that doesn’t mean he thinks you’re a terrible singer…right?
Anonymous
Not right for the part is fine. But asking me to prepare a part and then not listening to it, refusing to give notes on anything I do, plus nasty comments during rehearsal that appear to be directed at me—that’s why I am concerned.
anon
OP, you are taking it way too seriously.
I’m a musician too, semi-professional, and understand well the issues here.
But come on… this is a church choir.
You said you are a mezzo-soprano.
And you yourself said the solo is very high and suited for a soprano.
Up to you, but burn this bridge down if that’s where you want to go.
Anonymous
My kid’s second grade teacher just sent home a really lovely letter asking us very nicely, while acknowledging it’s a bit forward, not to give her a holiday gift. I’m in tears that’s so nice.
anon
That’s so lovely!
anon
I’m impressed! Especially in schools where it’s become a competitive thing, or kids feel bad because their family can’t contribute, or just the weird comparisons that take place.
Holiday Gifts
I need help picking out gifts for my all-female team for the holidays (aged late 30s to mid 50s). In house attorney and there seems to be a company culture around small gifts within the department (i.e., food, booze, etc.). Gift cards would not be appropriate. Last year I received gifts like a funny book, a pie and seasonal popcorn (and was too new to realize I was supposed to give gifts). At other companies I did a nice bottle of champagne, but I’m not sure how many drinkers I have on my team – is a gift like that still appropriate? Also, I have a contractor on my team – would you also include that person in the gift or should it just be for full-time employees? Thank you!
Anonymous
Check the company rules about gifts to contractors. My husband’s company prohibits it.
Sunshine
If you only have one contractor, then I absolutely would include that person; I think that person would feel left out as the only person on the team not to receive a gift.
These things are so hard to figure out for me. I love all kinds of popcorn, so I’d consider copying that because I’d be thrilled to get it. Another idea is granola or cookies from a local place – I like that these could be forzen to be consumed at a time of year when there is less sugar around. What about a book you’ve read and enjoyed this year?
Sunshine
What about a sweater shaver? Probably the least exciting gift in the world, but I use mine a lot – especially this time of the year. I have had mine for 15 years and don’t remember what it cost.
Anon
I would be so confused to receive a sweater shaver as a work gift. What do the men get, nose hair trimmers?
Senior Attorney
If it were me I would give everybody a pound of See’s Candy. And yes, of course include the contractor.
Anon
Damn you would be my best friend forever!
Anonymous
Especially if it were truffles or the soft center box.
NYCer
+1. I might add in a small hand lotion as well, as my office is always SO dry.
I would skip champagne if you don’t know whether people drink or no.
Anon
I would also do See’s and I second not giving people alcohol unless you know they drink. My boss always gives me wine, and it goes to waste. I suppose I could regift it but I feel weird bringing a bottle of wine to someone’s house when I know nothing about the quality.
anon
Help me with my skin. I unfortuntely have a rosacea outbreak for the first time in ages. It’s the pustule kind, not just redness. Not only does it look terrible, but it is also incredibly itchy and uncomfortable, especially around my nose. Any ideas for products that aren’t going to make me hate my skin even more? Unfortunately I can’t get into my dermatologist right now.
anon
Tea tree oil (in a blend with another oil) works best for my pustule outbreaks. It kills the little mites causing them. The Biossance one was great, but they discontinued it. I’m going to try the Body Shop one next, or maybe trying making my own tea tree oil and squalane blend.
Anne-on
Sulfur cream is probably your best OTC remedy. I’d do a mask of it for at least 20 minutes, and then cleanse with lukewarm water and a very gentle cleanser. De la cruz is my preferred brand, it’s at all the usual pharmacies. I use the pimple patches for individual spots but if its a large area maybe use one of the hydrocollodial sheets like they have for blisters?
Anon
That sounds like regular acne advice. I’m glad it works for you, but rosacea papules/pustules are different.
Anon
Besides what others have mentioned:
The Ordinary has an OTC azelaic acid and I think Target carries it now so you don’t even have to order straight from them.
There used to be a whole OTC ivermectin community on Reddit, but things may have changed now that that’s a cure-all elixir in other internet subcultures and now that Soolantra is available. Primary care can prescribe Soolantra if it’s of interest. Or you could try Curology.
Anon
Keep trying to get into a derm but meanwhile take some pics, upload them to curology, and get a rosacea prescription. Mine is ivermectin, metronidazole, and azelaic acid. I only had to add the ivermectin when my rosacea turned pustular. It’s so frustrating, I’m sorry! But I’m clear except for one very occasional tiny pustule since starting the mix.
(Ps my dermatologist approves of the mix. She would have referred me to a compounding pharmacy but we compared price per dose and Curology was a better deal)
Anon
I had another thought. The standard treatment for an outbreak is a course of doxycycline. I didn’t remember because I’m allergic to cyclines. But I’d bet you could get a prescription from a teledoc or a doc in a box until you can get into the derm.
I’m also here to tell you that skin issues are health issues, they are not vanity issues. I know a lot of people who are hesitant to seek treatment because they think it’s just about their appearance or something they ought to be able to “clean living” away, but rosacea is a disease and this is your reminder that you need a doctor to treat a disease.
Anon
It’s been doctors who treat it like a vanity thing in my experience!
Anon
Then you need to find better doctors. That’s the point.
anon
Do you have a dermatologist, or has it been years so you are out of the loop?
If so, just schedule an appointment, and send a message via their MyChart/system and/or ask an RN to call to see if they can give you recs/a script to cover you in the interium. This is what my derm will do for me.
Sunshine
I know many people on this board love their Speed Queen washers. Do you guys buy the top load, the front load, or either? I really prefer the front load washer, and I know not everyone does, and I see Speed Queen makes one. So that’s sounding appealing.
Cat
I’m one of them. Top load.
Cerulean
I have a top loader and love it. It’s my understanding that they tend to last longer. Why do you prefer the front loader?
Sunshine
The front loader I’ve had for 15 years is really gentle on my clothes, and my clothes last forever; I’m also not a big dryer user, so that probably helps. I get the impression that front loaders are more gentle on clothing. Unfortunately, I’m moving from a location where I have had stacked units to a place that needs side-by-side, which is why I have to replace them.
Anon
Yeah, I wash a lot of clothes on delicate and my (Kenmore) top loader seems to do ok, but when I was traveling I used the front loader in my airbnb and it’s definitely gentler. The pads didn’t get spun out of my bras.
Anonymous
+1, our front loader doesn’t make our tee shirts asymmetrical like the top loader did.
Cerulean
FWIW our Speed Queen top loader is definitely gentler than its predecessor (a 1990 Kenmore top loader). I’m super picky about laundry and air dry most things and I’ve been happy.
Anonymous
I’m short enough that I got sick of pulling out a step stool to lean over far enough to get the last socks out of the top loader. Silly and very specific reason, but that’s part of why I have a front loader.
anonshmanon
I got a front loader because they use less water.
Ses
I’m a Miele front-loader devotee for both effectiveness of wash and ease of use. Getting the kind that automatically dispenses the detergent has been so time saving and simplifying.
Sunshine
Any recommendations for a jewlery cleaner for home use? Bonus points if I could also stick my retainers in it for a good cleaning. Caphillstyle linked to one on the river store as part of her gift guide – the Soaq UltraSonic Cleaner.
Anonymous
I have and like the Soaq. It would fit retainers. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it’s too small to use for glasses.
Cerulean
I had one years ago and I don’t think it did any better than a scrub with an old toothbrush and some dish soap. It also stopped working after a year or two.
Anonymous
I was definitely thinking of a soapy jewelry cleaner and was horrified to think of putting retainers in that til I saw that you were thinking of a sonic cleaner 😉
Sunshine
But I’m so glad you made this point! I supposed I’d only soap up my retainers once and I’d never do it again.
Cat
I just use the jewelry store giveaway pots with a brush!
For the retainer, my pro tip is to bring them to the dentist when you go in for a cleaning. They will do the hypersonic cleaning for you!
Sunshine
Really? I’m absolutely going to ask about this on my next visit. Excellent pro tip. Thanks!
anon
Help me round out a gift basket for my mom. I know that I’m including a devotional and coffee. Maybe some candy. But I need a few other things to make it feel complete. She will not want a new blanket, mug, or candle. Any ideas?
Anonymous
Fuzzy socks?
An.On.
Framed picture of the two of you together
Cute dish towels
Nice pair of gloves
Hand lotion
Magazine subscription
Fuzzy slippers
Anonymous
Fancy hand cream, shortbread or biscotti to go with the coffee.
Senior Attorney
Christmas tree ornament?
NYNY
Fancy hand cream and lip balm are nice. Pretty Christmas ornament. Nicer socks than she would buy for herself.
Sunshine
Lighted and magnified makeup mirror. My mom came to rely on hers a lot as she got older.
Coupons for time with you or activities you can do together if you have a close relationship. More time with you is the thing she cannot buy.
Anon
I love my lighted makeup mirror. I’m 58. I wear reading glasses (progressives) and I prefer 10x magnification on one side of the mirror and regular on the other. 10 is a lot, most people would be fine with about 5.
anon
Can you recommend a good lighted and magnified make-up/facial care mirror?
I need one….
Anon
Simplehuman is the very best. Conair is a good second place. Then there’s the rando stuff on Amazon.
Anonie
– A cute canvas tote bag (Kate Spade’s are a nice size/quality)
– A journal or cute notebook
– Pens in cute designs
– Stationery
– Sunglasses
– Lip balm
– Shower steamers/bath bombs
– Charging cord
Anon
So Goop, the company that makes sunscreen that’s popular around here, is not associated with Gwyneth Paltrow. However, Gwyneth now launches a line called “Good Clean Goop.” Shouldn’t this be a trademark violation?
Anonymous
The company is Supergoop, and it would have to file a claim against Gwyneth.
Anon
Gwyneth had the Goop trademark before the sunscreen company I’m pretty sure. At least, I was shocked when I learned it wasn’t Gwyneth’s sunscreen.
Anon
Sunscreen is Supergoop, not just Goop. I believe Goop has been around longer than Supergoop, but could be wrong (at least, it became popular after Goop was established).