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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Long-Sleeve Love Letter Floral Blouse

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A woman wearing black pants and a black floral blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blouse from Cinq à Sept is one of the prettiest fall florals I’ve seen in some time. While I would usually include sheer or semi-sheer blouses as an absolute “don’t” for the office, I think the cut and style of this one could work with a black cami, especially if you’re layering it under a blazer. (I would advise against doing something that’s nude-for-you, just to avoid looking like you are, in fact, nude underneath!)

What say you, readers? Would this fly in your office? 

The blouse is $365 at Bloomingdale’s and comes in sizes XXS-XL. 

Sales of note for 9/4 (Happy Labor Day — see our big roundup!)

291 Comments

  1. Finally decided to give a glp-1 a try. For almost 6 years I have been making different efforts to lose postpartum weight and had some success, but it’s been so hard to stay consistent. RTO resulted in even more weight gain. I finally wrapped my head around the idea that I could use a glp as a tool. Starting wegovy this week and I can’t wait. Need to lose about 30 lbs. Please share any and all tips!

    1. congrats and good luck! I had nausea at the start but it did go away over time. Make sure you’re eating enough… I was finding that Rybelsus was working SO well that I was getting light-headed from under-eating. Smaller, more frequent meals work best for me, and make sure they are nutrient and protein dense. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about changing the dose. I found that the mid-level dose worked well for weight maintenance while still giving me enough food energy to exercise.

    2. Don’t get dehydrated. Lots of water.

      Chia seed pudding every couple of days to help you meet the fiber goals.

      There’s a reason single serve cottage cheese containers keep being sold out.

    3. It’s amazing, congratulations! I agree with the small meals. When I started I was quite cautious about what I ate and basically controlled for nausea (lots of crackers, turkey, string cheese, things that wouldn’t upset my stomach). Fortunately I never experienced any side effects, which is what I was most nervous about. My tip is stay on the lowest effective dose – I lost 30lbs on the lowest dose of the wegovy pill and have stayed there for maintenance too. Also, don’t buy too many new clothes all at once. I’ve come around to Quince as a great brand as your size changes. That pair of pants that seemed aspirational today will be too big in a month.

    4. It’s such a game-changer! Make sure you’re drinking lots of water throughout the day and prioritize protein. My staples are Fairlife protein shakes, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt with nuts and dried fruit.

      1. +1
        Also dont try to change everything all at once. Focus on one or two goals, and then go from there. For me, it was adding more water and much more protein into my diet. I didn’t try to calorie count or fiber max or anything else that I would have struggled to stick to. One or two changes at a time until you’ve formed a habit, then add in other changes.

        1. I would definitely not fiber max before finding out how things are going on the med. Slow stomach emptying is made worse, not better, by fiber (unlike slow colonic transit).

    5. I’ve been on Zepbound since last October and have lost 50 lbs, which all of the weight I gained since my daughter was born 10 years ago. Biggest tips are to take your first dose when you don’t have a lot going on the next day since people react differently and at different times. I always take mine right before bed and know that I’ll be fairly nauseous and low-key tired all of the next day so I try to plan for that. My husband is on Mounjaro and is fine the day after his dose, but gets hit with stomach issues the day after that. Also, make sure you’re drinking enough water because the meds can cause dehydration which can amplify some of the other side effects.

      1. I’ve been since October and lost roughly the same amount. I’d just add that you may not feel any different. I’ve had zero side effects other than less joint pain in the mornings for whatever reason (even prior to the weight loss and comes back a bit when I’m ready to go up in dose).

    6. I’ve been on one for 3-4 years with tremendous success. For me, the biggest things I have to actively manage is (1) Hunger, when felt, comes on STRONG and unlike any sensation I felt before going on the medicine. Like, get anything in my belly and stat. I keep a sleeve of saltines in my car and in my office just in case I need a quick fix when I’m on the go. (2) Brain fog is the worst for me when I’m not eating right. I don’t track all of my intake, but, going back to item #1, if I only satisfy hunger with crackers, the rest starts to crumble. So, all that to say, while I don’t track anything that I eat, I do see a physical response when I’m not eating right. Every meal doesn’t need to be a salad or lean protein (ugh WW… you stole so many years and so much joy from me!!!!)… but success and feeling good really does rely on striking an overall relative balance.

      Good luck. You got this!

      PS: I became iron deficient after a year. I had an aversion to meat, of all things, and that was the result. So, listen to your body. Ask questions. Follow up with your PCP at regular intervals (we have 90 day zoom check ins and 1x/year in person.

      1. I’d argue not to wait for deficiencies to develop and appear on labs; see a dietitian and check your intakes. Or at least use a free tool like cronometer. The only source of essential nutrients is diet or supplements, so if our intakes are low, we’re not getting enough. Labs are better for finding deficiencies that show up despite inadequate intake.

        2. But RDAs aren’t based off of women-specific science. They are essentially made up for women. And supplements are not regulated, which means that even if you think you’re hitting the (made up) RDA, you might be massively over or undershooting it. So no, labs are actually more useful than RDAs.

          1. They don’t even have reliable labs for everything we can run low in when we’re trying to lose weight. And it would be actually crazy to test for everything anyway.

            If you have concerns, please talk to a dietitian. They can discuss the nuance on the target intakes.

            There’s literally no one in medicine who advises women to skip prenatals because they’re not regulated. It’s no different when we’re taking them for our own health.

          2. You do not need a dietitian to check you for the most common deficiencies. A PCP can easily do that.

            No one said anything about screening for any possible deficiency absent symptoms. You also don’t need a dietitian to advise you on things absence symptoms. Eat a healthy and diverse diet. Go from there.

          3. PCP can check for deficiencies, but a dietitian checks your diet to see if you are on the path to developing deficiencies. There is absolutely no need in 2026 to starve yourself of essential nutrients and wait until you have symptoms to do anything about it.

            If you don’t want to see a dietitian, use cronometer or FitBit to estimate your intakes. If you think that the RDAs are sexist, set your own targets that you think are better evidenced.

            “Healthy, diverse diets” have let people down before when they are also calorie restricted. We’re trying to lose weight here. If our food just isn’t providing enough of something, we have options.

          4. Sure, use an app if you want. An otherwise healthy adult does not need a dietitian to manage their diet unless there is a specific need, like training for something, pregnancy, etc.

          5. The calorie restricted, weight loss diet is the special need. But if you’re right, you can easily prove it by looking up the nutrients provided by your diet!

            The commenter who pointed out that the RDAs aren’t based off women-specific science seemed to have some awareness of research on women and nutrition. The research I’ve seen is that a lot of otherwise healthy women do not get enough of certain nutrients. If women are leeching minerals from their bones to maintain healthy levels, they’ll feel fine and their blood work will fine. Other low intakes can contribute to developing fatty liver disease, which a lot of women with metabolic syndrome have already.

            People also don’t always realize what symptoms of not getting enough nutrients even are. Are women ordinarily considered “unhealthy” if all they have is trouble sleeping, restless leg syndrome, gum disease, intense cravings, or anxiety?

          6. Too much iron or vitamin D or whatever is also a problem, though, and also can cause side effects. That’s why labs are more useful than a human who can just give you generalized information.

      2. out of curiosity have you been losing all that time? were there times when you lost the 15% of weight or whatever, plateaued for a while, then lost another 15%?

        1. I’m down 85-ish lbs. I’ve maintained my current weight give or take 5-7 lbs for the better part of two years. The loss was pretty steady but certainly there were weeks of no loss (maybe even a small gain) and weeks of precipitous loss. It’s not linear but it was steady in that I didn’t have weeks of no progress. I wouldn’t hate to shed another 10 (I’m 5’7”, 160 as of this AM), but my life is changed since going down this path. Im insulin resistant PCOS also, fwiw. Overweight my whole life, losing slugs of 40-60 at a time, probably 3-4 times in my 20s and 30s on WW but it always came roaring back.

          To keep me sane, when I weigh myself, which is 1x month lately, I weigh myself naked in the morning. I disregard fully any weight measurements taken at my doc, with clothes on and after meals for my own sanity. I plateaued at my current weight when I declined to go up a dose, though my doc was willing to increase. All in all, I’m prepared to be on it for life. I’ve never felt better, stronger or mentally clearer than I do today at 41 years old.

          1. Coming back to say, my success is in part because I’m in active, ongoing care by my PCP. I don’t judge people using online pharmacies or compounds, which from what I gather and know from friends do not usually come with meaningful ongoing monitoring. But, whether correlation or causation, friends who are struggling the most seem to be only loosely managed by a PCP or not at all. My success is absolutely because I’m constantly checking in with my PCP, evaluating symptoms (which I usually don’t have a lot of) and adjusting accordingly.

            As for the conversation about about proactively going to a nutritionist – there is no way you could have convinced me to go. My weight loss journey spans literal decades, starting in my prepubescent years (thanks mom / the 90s). I’ve seen good nutritionists and bad nutritionists. I know what food I’m eating, I know how to listen to my body. I feel strongly that regular check ins with a PCP is more than enough. If you want to see one – fantastic. But adding one more appointment, one more opinion and one more person to tell me half of my plate should be “leafy greens” with lean protein can just eff right off (yes, they can do that but humor me…). In my case, I felt sluggish, tired and knew I had a meat aversion. I told my PCP, I had blood work done and was on a supplement same day. There is a time and place for nutritionists, but if you’re getting to the point of a GLP1 with decades of fighting your body to shed weight, there is nothing a nutritionist will tell me in my 40s that I haven’t already heard. /end rant about nutritionists, and, yes, even the good ones.

            (btw I’m the OP of this subthread with “tremendous success” and the poster here. I should have used a more distinguishable handle.)

          2. Nutritionists are useless, but aren’t the same as a good RD. Despite what you say you know, it really sounds like you gave yourself a deficiency by neglecting your intakes. It’s great that you were able to treat it. It would also have been fine to supplement your diet before you developed a deficiency or a symptom, and then you would never have had to feel sluggish. Some deficiencies are worse than that, so it’s the riskier approach.

            There’s no rule that all nutrients have to come from food. Definitely run from any dietitian who thinks like that.

          3. I know I gave myself a deficiency from neglecting my intakes. I was able to resolve this with my PCP.

            TLDR: success for me was working with my prescribing physician in 90-day windows. Not adding more appointments with other medical providers.

          4. Not every deficiency has a reliable lab, in which case your PCP would have had a harder time helping you. I’m glad it’s all working well for you! But with or without an additional provider, it really is better not to give ourselves intake deficiencies in the first place, whether with food or with a reliable supplement. I really think some of the side effects of GLP1s that people run into are from this, and publications are starting to come out on this too.

    7. i started oral wegovy on saturday. i’m not fat but not happy, about 15 lbs of menopause weight. i feel totally fine and i’m not hungry at all.

    8. drink a ton of water. honestly, i got ‘lucky’ i suppose and lost like 15lbs in the first 4 weeks, but i truly felt awful bc by weeks 3 and 4 i could barely eat and i had zero energy. i also could barely look at food. it made me feel like i had pregnancy nausea all over again. it was awful. after those first 4 weeks, i stopped taking it for 5 weeks and continued to lose weight. since then i basically take one shot every other week or once a month. i never went up from the starter dose. also – don’t go overboard, so many anorexic looking women walking around these days

      1. I’m seeing it, too, and it’s really alarming. People go from being slightly overweight to skeletal seemingly overnight. My boss has been one of those people, and it’s honestly been jarring to see because she does not look healthy. Thinner, yes, but not healthy.

    9. I’ve been on zepbound for a year and a half and I’ve lost over 60 pounds. I echo those who have said to eat small meals frequently and to make sure you’re eating enough. It’s hard some days when your appetite is just not there. For me, the biggest side effect has been constipation, so I always encourage people to stay on top of that and avoid letting it get really bad. Make sure your fiber intake is good (I try to get enough in what I eat, but also take metamucil every day) and drink lots of water. Finally, don’t increase your dose just to increase it. I’m at 10mg and won’t go any higher, even though the weight is coming off pretty slowly, because any more appetite suppression would make it impossible to eat enough to adequately fuel my brain and body.

    10. I’m on a low dose of the wegovy pill. I am moving up the doses slowly – no side effects so far. I was already drinking water, watching protein, exercising, etc. Wegovy just helps me eat less without all the effort.

      Glad I finally let myself do it!

    11. Good luck! Drink lots of water, focus on protein and fiber, try to get it from Whole Foods as much as possible, sleep, take a magnesium at night.

  2. I’m attending a close friend’s 40th birthday party next month. Should I bring a gift? I haven’t been to many adult or 40th birthday gatherings in recent years, so I’m not sure what the norm is. For additional context, I’m flying from out of state to attend.

    1. I would bring a gift, unless the party is a dinner at a particularly expensive restaurant and you’re expected to pay your own way. (And even then, I probably would bring something small.) I think a small, preferably edible gift is the way to go. Maybe something from your locale? (E.g., New Jerseyians could bring saltwater taffy, etc.)

      1. I’ve never gone to a milestone party at 40+ where anyone is expected to pay their own way. These are definitely bring gifts occasions.

      1. Not the OP but just wanted to say that a silk scarf is a tremendous idea. Not only does it not take up space, but it’s pretty much impossible to have too many :)

    4. YMMV, but the 40th birthdays that I’ve been to, people bring gifts! (Unless the invite specifically says ‘no gifts please’).

    5. Yes to gift. I typically bring something on the smaller side and sentimental – think a pair of fun earrings that make you think of them.

    6. Definitely bring a gift – love all of the suggestions below. If you have a picture of your friend that you like with her, would be fun to print it out and stick in the bday card. Have fun!

    7. When my girlfriends turned 40, people brought gifts. When DH’s guy friends did, no one brought gifts.

    8. You don’t have to bring a gift. Some people will, some won’t, but your flight costs way more than most people will spend. Your presence is the gift.

      1. This. I hosted a big party for my husband’s 50th. Only a few people brought gifts, and most of them were of the “I feel obligated to give a gift but what on earth should I get?” variety. Only give a gift if you can think of something meaningful and personal that refers to your shared history (e.g., a friend from college once gave me a kit to make the exact kind of coffee drink we used to get while studying Shakespeare together).

  3. Does anyone know if Tuckerneck runs big/small? I’m looking at their size chart for shirts and for example it says a size XXS bust is 40 inches, while on the Banana Republic Size chart that would be a size L. Maybe I’m reading something wrong here.

    1. Okay it looks like it differs depending on the item you’re looking at. Why am I still right between 2 sizes smh

    2. I suspect the size chart is providing the finished garment measurements and not the measurements of the body those garments are intended to fit.

      If you have a similar style (drop shoulder with “ease” in the body, for example) in your closet that fits you well, measure that item and compare to the size chart.

      1. yes- if the measurements seem really off for the size, this is probably the answer.

    4. The house brand runs big, but most of their items are not the house brand. Check the description and size charts and also if you’re still confused, go to the actual brand site for more info.

  4. The CEO of L3Harris was ousted due to an unspecified code of conduct violation, and the WSJ ran an article pondering why boards keep giving chances to misbehaving executives. It made my blood boil because the article makes it seems gender neutral when it’s not. Boards give chances to misbehaving men.

        1. “Does it hurt?” “Does what hurt?” “To look like that all the time.”

          I think it’s from something by LM Montgomery.

  5. Hoping for some NoVa recommendations: I might need to hire a private driver to get my kids to/from school on days when I can’t leave the office in the middle of the afternoon to pick them up. Any ideas on where to start? They are almost old enough for Uber Teen accounts, but that’s not an option yet.

        1. OP here. The origin is outside the beltway–no Metro or other transit accessible. Also, this would be a 15-mile trip, so biking/walking is not feasible.

    2. No specific recs but when I was looking for this, I posted and searched the local parent facebook pages. My current sitter’s previous job was driving a family’s high school students to/from activities. This provides more accountability than a Teen Uber account.

      1. +1 – a ‘driving nanny’ is very common in my area, we found ours via Facebook but word of mouth is also common. You may also want to ask the school – my kid’s high school connects parents for carpooling since the parking lot is under construction and the on campus parking is now seniors/faculty only.

    3. This may be an unpopular answer now, but when I was a kid in the 90s my family had an account with a local taxi company. There were scheduled school pick ups on the days we needed it, plus if we were ever in a pinch we could call the taxi company, say we were a [family] kid, and they’d come get us. My parents’ credit card number was on file so we never had to pay for the rides ourselves. The taxi drivers in the city I grew up in were pretty well vetted in order to get medallions, so I think my parents figured it wasn’t really less safe than some random college kid. Most of the drivers made sure we had all our belongings and asked us what we had for homework that day when we got in the car. Have lived in NoVa and the city I grew up in I’d say is pretty on par in terms of size/population/danger level.

      Many years later when I was a junior associate leaving my office at 2 AM, I’d still get in cabs from time to time and have the driver say “hey, are you one of the [family] kids?”

    4. I used Kango (in the Bay Area) – it’s similar to Uber/Lyft, but the drivers are fingerprinted.

  6. Low stakes question of the day: What are your favorite and least favorite home chores to do, and why?

    1. Fave – laundry and ironing. I find it therapeutic.

      Least fave – emptying the dishwasher, unpacking groceries, putting clean sheets back on the bed

      Outsourced – biweekly cleaner means neither of us need to do any serious deep cleaning of kitchen or bathrooms

      1. Oof wrestling the sheets back on is definitely the worst. I don’t mind folding clothes, or doing some organisation.

      2. So funny, I’m almost the exact opposite. I have a strong aversion to folding laundry. Don’t mind dishes or grocery duty at all. Our cleaners change the sheets, otherwise I do agree with that one being on the bad list.

        1. I’m laughing since this is my favorite. I guess it’s because everything is already clean, and there genuinely is a place for everything so there’s no decision making.

    2. I hate changing sheets on beds and deep cleaning/scrubbing the grout in the one steam shower that never quite gets all the way clean. I hate deep cleaning the oven, it’s done one once a year, max. Spills are wiped out quickly and nothing is burned on, but the window is very greasy.
      Cooking, folding laundry, organizing, and vacuuming are generally enjoyable or at least neutral in my book.

    3. Fave – watering the garden. Stand there and zone out. Be outside. Summer evenings.
      Least fave – I guess everything else?

    5. Fav. Purging my kids’ playrooms. They are tiny hoarders and I can only do this when they aren’t home.

      Least fav. Taking out the trash and breaking down cardboard boxes. DH does it.

    6. Favorite – laundry (which is good because I am doing it constantly)
      Least Favorite – vacuuming, which gets outsourced to our house cleaners for the most part and taking out the garbage which got outsourced to my spouse.

    7. I like cooking dinner. My husband does the dishes and we outsource all other cleaning. Oh I do like organizing closets.

    8. I love meal planning, buying groceries, putting groceries away like a successful squirrel, and cooking (with the occasional slump). Like cleaning windows when I do it but hardly ever do it.

      Hate vacuuming and mopping because that was my childhood chore and it was never good enough for mother.

      For scrubbing grout or tile surfaces, let me once again recommend the drill attachments that turn your power drill into a spinning brush. Total game changer.

    9. Anything where a machine does the bulk of the work for me is fine with me (dishwasher, wash machine, dryer). Not vacuuming though; vacuums jangle my nerves so bad it’s like I have to recover afterwards.

      The least favorite chore I do anyway is definitely cooking. I feel like I used to enjoy cooking a normal amount, but years of household restricted diets making it obligatory for every single meal burned me out over time.

      1. Preach. I used to enjoy meal planning and cooking. Now I am so tired cooking multiple versions of every meal from scratch because of my husband’s special diet and an extremely picky kid. I am so tired of not being able to just give in and order pizza. I am so tired of not being able to adopt the special diet I’d like to have (pescatarian) because it would directly conflict with the other two sets of preferences.

        1. Why do your humor your husband’s special diet? If I’m cooking food it’s going to be vegan and other people can eat it or not but I’m not compromising myself for others. I will accommodate allergies, and it’s even fairly simple to make a great white people food for picky folks. But it’s vegan always.

          1. Medically no one in my household has been able to get away with eating vegan (not for want of trying, since vegan fasts are part of our religious tradition). The medical issues exclude too many plant based foods, and it ends up being too restricted overall.

          2. If he’s on a special diet by choice, he should be doing his own cooking for it, shouldn’t he? If it’s something different from what you need to prepare for the family?

          4. Because the special diet has done great things for a medical condition and makes all of our lives better.

    10. I detest washing dishes.

      I like vacuuming. I used to love folding laundry as a kid because I’d watch tv or talk on the phone while doing it. However, now that it’s my responsibility solely, it’s never ending, and there’s so much else to do, it’s also on the Do Not Like List.

    11. favorite – omg totally blanking on anything

      least favorite – everything else but especially chagning the sheets, weeding, decluttering, cleaning for the cleaning ladies

    12. Favorite: Laundry. I lived 10+ years in a small apartment without laundry in the building, so I find so much joy in the ease of having laundry in my bathroom now. And I like putting away clean clothes.

      Least: I find emptying the dishwasher and breaking down cardboard boxes just impossible hurdles to overcome, lol. And I’m a solo mom so I don’t have anyone else who will do it. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. But I will put it off the longest.

    14. I like laundry, especially after we’ve had a great day in the outdoors. I literally love the satisfaction of dumping sweaty, dusty, sticky clothes from a backpacking trip into the machine and having them come out fresh.

      I hate procuring groceries and figuring out meals. I don’t like cooking either but I detest the steps to get there especially.

    15. Thanks to everyone who engaged with this low stakes question today. I have a lot of my plate, and was hoping to think about some of the many chores I’m drowning in in a new way — and I have!

    16. I hate folding laundry and dusting, as I don’t personally care about wrinkled clothes or dust and I resent when I am forced to do it anyway because other people care.

      I love how I can clean an entire bathroom in 20-30 minutes, the sense of accomplishment is great. And I like organizing my space, just not a shared space where I have to take other people’s preferences into account. Cooking is also fun, as long as it’s not too time constrained.

  7. I have an 11 year old who just started middle school. She is delightful, a great student, has lots of friends, is kind and funny and generally a great kid. Since she was little, she has had next to zero interest in getting involved in any activities. She has tried a few things–dance, ceramics, tennis–and enjoyed them, but feels like if she isn’t “good” at it, she doesn’t want to continue. I promise that her dad and I have no expectations for her beyond just having fun, we don’t pressure her, we honestly do not care what activities she does. But both of us were involved in activities when we were kids–I was a competitive swimmer, I did dance, cheer, tried violin, etc. and my husband was about the same. And so we know that there is a huge value in learning a new skill, gaining the discipline to get better at something even if you don’t “win” or aren’t “the best,” at being part of a team, being a gracious winner and accepting that you don’t always win, etc. I see so many benefits to finding something, anything!, that you enjoy and make an effort towards, even if its just for the simple pleasure of knowing that you can. I have already noticed a lack of self confidence in her, and I know that participating in either individual or team activities could really help her build that confidence. We’ve tried convincing her but she is not interested, and when we ask why she says because she “won’t know anyone” (even though she’ll probably know at least a few kids) or “she isn’t good at it” (even though she’s never really tried it) or “she wouldn’t want to embarrass herself by letting a team down” (even though we have gently suggested that she doesn’t have to do a team sport, she could do something individually). And so on. So, my question for you is–do we push her on this or do we just let it go? I don’t want to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, but I also don’t want her to get older and realize that all of her friends are involved in activities that they enjoy and she is left out. And again, I also know that I got so much out of it myself–I was a good swimmer but not amazing and I stopped in high school, but I still love knowing as an adult that its something I’m good at and that I worked hard to get good at and its something that no one can take away from me. What would you do or what have you done with your own kids? We love her so much and don’t want to her to have any regrets. Sigh. TIA.

    1. I’m sure others will disagree but I would push. There is tremendous value in getting past that “but I won’t know anyone” stage of participation. Sports in particular are so, so beneficial for girls, especially during puberty. My father pushed us to some extent (not to the level I see in our higher-pressure town we live in now) and my brothers and I are all grateful for it. Now that we’re adults, we have so many more skills that we never would have gained sitting home. We all ski at an expert level, we can play pick-up games of essentially any sport, we can navigate the outdoors, mountain bike well, etc. I plan to push my son when he’s old enough – our tentative approach is to require one active activity (sport/dance) and one creative activity (art/music) each year. He can have plenty of freedom to pick what the activities are and if it’s not a fit on the first day (or possibly first week depending on how many meetings/practices there are), he can drop and pick something else, but otherwise he will need to finish the season.

    2. Can one of her friends take her along to a club that they do? Obviously that would work better for an after-school activity that is open to all instead of something like music lessons or an organized sport.
      If her school has one, I would recommend joining a Lego League robotics team, teamwork to build and program a Lego robot that does specific tasks, not at all dependent on physical skill.

      1. +1 for alternative school-based activities like Lego robotics or Odyssey of the Mind. These can get pretty intense.

        1. I was on the Robotics team in high school (joined because my best friend was already a member) and I credit it as the single most influential thing I did in high school. Built confidence socially and gave me a lot of solid friends, grew technically and discovered a new career path (that I pursued), and just had a lot of fun. Highly recommend to anyone.

    3. Have her get started with volunteering. Tutoring little kids, volunteering at a hospital, different civic organizations the school might have. So she can see that she actually has a lot to offer those in need, and it will help boost her confidence.

      1. Oh, this is a great idea! I’m not sure there’s anything like that for 11 yo’s but I’ll look into it. thank you!

    4. What kind of activities do her friends do? Is there anything you can get her to do with a friend that will solve the not knowing anyone problem? That won’t necessarily work for an instrument or a lot of sports, but it could work for school clubs, a class like choir, individual sports or activities like running, hiking, or climbing, joining the cast or crew of a play, etc. I wouldn’t force her, but I think gentle encouragement and assistance is fine.

    5. I think you need to separate what you are doing from what is age appropriate to tell her. She does need encouragement to be involved because that’s how she will find her people, but she doesn’t need the reason. As she gets older, if she’s not in activities with other kids she probably won’t have close friends. School friends, without more time together, don’t really bond and most kids in her class will be busy making friends in the activities they are involved in.

    6. I think that learning to push through initial difficulty is one of the greatest life hacks imaginable.

      “I’m not good at it so I won’t do it.” First, people who are good, really good, at things often put in FAR more work than those who aren’t good. Generally speaking, the kids at MIT spend more time doing math homework than the kids at other schools who “aren’t good at math.”

      Second, there is a value in doing things that you genuinely have no talent for. Adult life features many opportunities to do things for the joy of it, and also many requirements to do things you’re quite bad at.

    7. I totally understand where you are coming from. I was completely dedicated to my activity from late elementary through high school, continued it through college at a high level, and recently picked it back up at a serious amateur level. I found having a passion to be the most rewarding part of childhood and young adulthood and wanted the same thing for my daughter (who did go all-in on her activities, although she switched a few times before settling on what she’s now pursuing in college). I don’t understand people who don’t have an all-consuming passion, but people are all different I suppose.

      I would have your daughter sign up for middle school choir, band, or orchestra. Talk to parents and find out which of these programs is strongest in your middle school and pick that one. For example, our middle school has lackluster strings and choral programs, but the band teacher is phenomenal and gets kids really engaged, so I would push band. A good teacher will have the best chance of getting her hooked, and doing the activity as a school class will force her to give it time. If she ends up falling for music, you can offer out-of-school opportunities such as youth orchestra, youth choir, and camps to supplement the high school offerings if the high school program is not super strong.

    8. Force her. Make her pick one activity a season. I have the same personality and wish I’d been forced.

      It will also give her an out that her parents forced her to do it. She doesn’t have to claim it as something she wanted to do but can instead blame you. Do it now while she’s just starting middle school so she’ll have practice stepping out of her comfort zone by the time she gets to high school when it matters.

      We made my now 9th grader try one in school sport in 7th grade when she became eligible. She didn’t want to do it and she’d never played the sport before (field hockey). It worked. She liked it. Turned out she did know other kids on the team. She made new friends. And she’s trying out for JV in high school.

      1. +1. I really wish my parents pushed me to join more activities when I felt intimidated. Are there any niche activities she can join instead of a mainstream sport her peers have been playing since kindergarten? My high school had a badminton team and it was basically a walk-on sport for girls who weren’t a lifelong jock.

      2. Ok, but how do we force an 11 year old? We did broach this once, saying ok, you have to pick something and she immediately went into hysterics, crying and saying “you’ll have to drag me out of the house!” and so on. So that felt like the wrong move . . . What would have worked for you? Taking away all privileges? I don’t want to prevent her from seeing her friends because I think she needs the connection to other kids and her friends are all great.

        1. you don’t take away all privileges. this sounds anxiety driven. you re-visit this topic again a few days later. you tell her it can be something in or out of school. also now that she is a little older, are there things like yearbook or model un or literary magazine – no one is ‘good’ at those things or has experience in them until they become available at school. some of them don’t necessarily even involve skill! it could also be an outside of school activity – volunteering, etc. all of the things you listed that you tried involve some level of skill. i myself was not an athlete or artistic. i recall my mom getting the middle school guidance counselor to talk to me about joining something (my school was 6-12) and by the time i graduated i was involved in all the things – none of them arts or sports related. i will say, had i been involved in something more arts/sports related, perhaps i’d have more hobbies as an adult, but that is not what you’re trying to solve for right now.

        2. My parents put me in a kids’ acting class at that age to help with social anxiety – like, it helped me learn how to put on a brave face until I was actually comfortable.

          Also, music! My parents tried all. the. sports. for me and I hated every single one. Handed me a flute and I was delighted – totally found my people in band, and was involved in lots of music throughout middle and high school (pit orchestra, jazz band, marching band, etc).

        3. For what it’s worth, to me this makes it seem more important that she try something. Trying an activity where you don’t know anyone or won’t necessarily be great can be hard, but it shouldn’t be hysteria-inducing. If it is, she probably needs to practice it.

          You know your kid best and are in the best position to consider what kind of support would be best for her here, whether that’s scaffolding the activity (trying with a friend, with you, whatever) or seeing a therapist if you think there’s something bigger going on, but I think you want to work with her to get her to a place where whatever opting out she’s doing isn’t based on fear.

          1. i agree with this. and better to address this now before she gets to high school and college.

          2. Agree. OP, this kind of reaction is not healthy for her. She may not like getting help, but I do think that developing good coping habits is very important for her ability to function in the near term as well as into the future.

        4. I think you treat this like any other non-negotiable, like showering or going to medical visits. Provide her with some agency, but make it clear that you expect and require her to regularly do something structured other than school itself. That can be an extracurricular with her friends such as a sport, a club, a musical instrument. It could be a hobby class outside of school (sewing? painting? rock climbing?). It could be a volunteer activity (organizing the play area at the local public library, picking up trash on the local trail, weeding the elderly neighbor’s flowerbed). But she has to select and regularly participate in something or you will be choosing it for her.

        5. You work on emotional regulation with her in addition to planning her hobbies. The core issue here isn’t whether or not she’s in an activity, it’s whether she can have a level headed discussion about doing things that are difficult. No after school activity will make up for a young adult who goes into hysterics at the first obstacle.

          But also, find an activity that lets her spend time with her friends?

        6. I would force the 11 year old the same way I negotiate with a toddler – “If you don’t decide by X time, I will be deciding for you and you will be doing Y.”

          Maybe don’t drag her kicking and screaming into the activity, but I would drag her out of the house and make her sit in the car the entire duration of the activity if she refused to get out of the car and participate. Most kids would cave (I know mine would), though I will admit this isn’t a universal good move.

        7. This changes everything. I have three kids and have learned that no good comes from forcing the kids to do anything after they are toddlers. She may change her tune but in middle school, it’s fine not to do anything. If she is serious about going to college and realizes that activities are necessary, she will come around.

        8. Kids are different. But when I was about that age, my mom just said “hey, I think you should join (the martial arts club your brother already goes to). I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow and take you to register. Try it for at least 3 months, and then you can decide if you want to continue”. Like just a no drama instruction/not a choice. Circumstances a little different; in that another sibling had just been diagnosed with a life threatening disease; and in retrospect I think my parents were foreseeing that that the rest of us needed as many extra adults and places to belong asap, so that need outweighed a more general “let kids pick” than it typically would have.

          I dunno though… one outburst sounds like typical preteen, sometimes circuits fire weird, but if she’s actually screaming and resisting leaving the house on the regular, that seems like a “loop in your pediatrician” situation

        9. Yes. You tell her that you’ll discuss this with her when she’s calmer (hysterics and manipulation are not okay) and then you reiterate that she can pick something and decide what she’s committing to. FWIW, I think if you drop it because she threw a tantrum, then you’ve demonstrated that throwing a tantrum is how she gets out of uncomfortable things. Feel free to plumb her reasons and be open to listening to her, but that doesn’t mean you just drop something that matters.

          If she’s not mature enough to deal with this without having a tantrum, then you have to start to teach her how. Part of that is being flexible in terms of what she chooses, but being stalwart about your own values. Now, if your values are emerging from what you did at 11 and aren’t necessarily rooted in what you want to teach her, that’s something to consider.

    9. I’d let it go. I did everything and loved it, my husband did nothing and we both ended up happy successful adults.

        1. But it’s not about generating love for an activity, it’s making sure she’s active in some semblance of community that is not her iPhone.

    10. I could have written this—same boat though my daughter is now a freshman. I don’t know what the right answer is, I waffle back and forth. In general, I have been more forceful about making her try something new, usually by signing up for a one-week summer camp, but won’t force her to pursue like a full season of a sport she’s not into. Sometimes a bribe works, but I think a lot of the avoidance is driven more by social concerns than the activity itself, so the best thing is if there is a friend doing it and ideally putting on a little peer pressure. Ultimately our kids are their own people, they are not us, and we have to have trust that it will all work out, but I get it.

      1. Yes, its seems to definitely be a social anxiety issue rather than a real lack of interest. For example, she is good at swimming and loves to swim and has been told by her younger brother’s swim teacher that she should try out for swim team, but she seems to have anxiety about “looking stupid” “letting down a team” “not being as good as the others” etc. I just don’t know how to help her get over that. I would be fine with her doing what her friends are doing, but one friend has been doing soccer for years at this point and is not in any way a beginner like my kid, another has been doing ballet for years, so same situation. She has said that she’d be open to individual lessons, but individual swim lessons are expensive! And individual ballet lessons, or whatever else, are either not a thing or are expensive, too. Sorry, I know everyone is trying to help but I feel like I’m at my wits end.

        1. If it’s genuinely social anxiety, there’s therapy for that (not all of which is particularly pathologizing; even speech therapists offer “speech pragmatics” which is basically instruction in navigating social scenarios).

          1. I know a kid with severe social anxiety. What worked for her to get out of the house was dungeons and dragon.

        2. I posted above, but is there anything she can try that isn’t skill-based? where we live there is a ‘swim team’ for kids that doesn’t actually involve competing but practicing and there is no try out. is the swim team at school or at a local pool? perhaps you could get her 1-2 swim lessons with an instructor to boost her confidence for the tryout? my daughter was younger and played softball for a season, had a blast and asked me to sign her up again. the first season was half tball/half coach pitch and the next season was going to be all coach pitch. as soon as she heard that she was hysterical and said she didn’t want to do it anymore. i told her that if she doesn’t like softball, she doesn’t have to play softball, but if she just doesn’t want to do it because it makes her nervous, my job as a parent is to help her with that and I got her 2 lessons before the season started, which helped her feel more confident. also – not that therapy is the answer to everything, but she sounds anxious about this. there are some workbooks you could work through with her or have her work through on her own. the “what to do when” books are great – i like the “what to do when mistakes make you quake” she is a bit on the older side for the books, but maybe it would help.

        3. What clubs or activities do her school or other local groups offer? Most of them won’t require experience, so find a few that sound interesting and then get one or more of her friends to join with her. If she has a lot of friends, there has to be someone looking to start something new in middle school and would also probably be happier to do it with a friend.

        4. If she enjoys activities and would like to participate but is being held back by anxiety (?), that seems like something to pursue with the pediatrician ASAP. Her anxiety (?) is getting in the way of her life.

          I am not a fan of therapy in general, but our pediatrician’s office has two young Ph.D. psychologists on staff to work with kids on issues like this on a short-term basis. They are up on all the latest practical coping strategies and are really quite good. Some type of short-term therapy to teach her how to live with the fear and go about her life anyways could be just the ticket.

        5. Before therapy, I’d just level with her and tell her she might look stupid, she might be the worst, but even if that’s the case it won’t matter. At worst she gets cut from the team and has a great story for when she needs to “share” about failure at a corporate ice breaker someday. I think trying to talk kids out of their fears backfires but a “so what, we will still love you and you’ll still have friends” is much more effective.

        6. I had social anxiety as a kid that manifested not dissimilarly, although I did always have one non-school-based sport that I was good at but that still gave me practice failing in public regularly (horseback riding, IYKYK).

          I wish my parents had been able to name the problem, push me in a few key areas, and get me targeted therapy. This pattern of avoidance did not serve me in high school and I had to work a lot harder in later high school/college to snap myself out of it.

        7. “looking stupid” “letting down a team” “not being as good as the others”

          These statements sound a lot like perfectionism or like a fixed mindset (“I have to be good at it before I do it, and if I’m not good at it, I can’t do it”) versus a growth mindset (“I’m always bad at stuff when I’m a beginner, and I can learn to get better at it.”) Staying locked in a fixed mindset isn’t good for anyone, kid or adult.

        8. Could you facilitate a meeting/chat with her and brother’s swim teacher where she/you share her concerns and the teacher can talk to her about how those things are handled on a team? Or just go meet a swim team coach to talk about what it’s like, what different levels there are, etc.? Fake tryout (fake because she will always make the team) where the coach says I would really like to have you on the team because x, y, z?

    11. I was expected to do activities because I was an only child and my parents felt it was the best way for me to be among other kids. On one hand, I appreciate now that there are things I’ve tried that I am not really good at like the arts and dance, but it is also hard to be in a group of kids where others reward excellence and not doing for the fun of doing when you’re not excellent. I loved swimming, for instance, but swim team wasn’t a great experience for me.

      Also, while my parents meant well, I never made friends in the groups I joined because we really didn’t have anything in common. Your daughter may just find her interest in clubs or school activities when they are part of her school day. I loved yearbook but that was really an 8th grade and up activity at my school. I think my parents, like you, hoped all of the other activities would give me confidence but they really didn’t because I didn’t enjoy being really bad at something. And while the argument of just doing for the sake of doing is valid, our culture isn’t actually set up that way so you can really only do that when you remove the reward system entirely from the equation.

    12. I see a lot of myself in your description of your daughter. I think while you may want to continue nudging her to take on more, don’t beat yourself up when it ends up not working.
      I grew up well adjusted socially hung out with friends, and was lucky that I meshed well enough with the kids at school (so didn’t need an after school activity as a social escape). I learned new things on my own (voracious reader, tv watcher, and surfing the web in those early days). Playing boardgames and having a big family, I learned how to conduct myself in a group. My family also volunteers and I was part of that as soon as I could do something helpful.
      The one thing I learned much later (and it’s still not my strength) is to push myself and persevere when I suck or something is uncomfortable. That’s been a personal focus for me in the last few years. My parents probably could have pushed me more on this but also I’ve done alright until now, and I don’t feel like it’s ruined my life or anything.

      1. I think this raises a good option to consider if pushing her to do her own activity is really not going to work at this stage – volunteering as a family gives her the idea of showing up regularly and interacting with people in a non-school and non-family environment, and has some scaffolding where you are there with her. It’s not going to give all the benefits of an independent activity, but it could be a good stepping stone to build the skills and confidence she’ll need to manage in a team or activity on her own.

    13. I think you encourage and think broadly (school newspaper? art club? coding club? speech and debate?). Don’t get all wrapped up in making them try a new sport. Sports today are not the sports of my youth (at least not in my SE state and area). By 11, unless she’s a really naturally athletic kid, she would have missed the boat on any organized sport at my kids’ school, even track and XC, which were “no cut” in my time (both have required times to even make the team). I totally get not wanting to get involved in that.

    14. I just wanted to say thank you to all the comments so far. Having other perspectives has given me a lot to consider. I know ultimately we have to work it out with our kid and only we can know what the best (for us) path is, but hearing others’ experiences is very helpful.

      1. Is there something *you* are good at that you had to work at? “Look, honey, no one is born knowing how to do ___. Even I had to start somewhere. It takes time.”

    15. I’m on my phone and haven’t read all the replies, but what about Scouts? Girls or boys, whatever floats your boat. I was neither athletic nor musical, but I was fantastic at following a checklist and earning merit badges! :) Depending on the troop, Girl Scouts can really emphasize confidence.

    16. Maybe something she doesn’t need to “show” anything for, like coordinated nature hiking? Volunteering?

    17. This might not be popular, but with my kids (now older than middle school), I had them pick one extracurricular activity to do — could be a sport, a club, an instrument, whatever — and they had to do it for the school year. They could change at the end of the year, and they could pick whatever they wanted, but it had to be something.

      It’s served us well: it gave my kids choice but it also implemented some responsibility (eg, they had to go to practice/meeting even when they didn’t feel like it), and trying something new.

  8. My very, very healthy, marathon runner, 46-year old cousin put off her colonoscopy for a year because… no good reason/life as a working mom of three. She finally got it and they found early, early stage 1 colon cancer. She had surgery, removed a small section of her colon and she’s now deemed cured. She was not symptomatic in any way. This could have been so much worse!

    First, let this be your PSA. GO GET YOUR COLONOSCOPY!

    Second, has anyone had success in getting an early screen approved by PCP and/or insurance covered without a nuclear family member having it? My annual physical is Monday and I plan to ask if I can get it early (I’m 41, almost 42). No one in my nuclear family has colon cancer, though I’m a very, very high risk of other cancers (mom 3x bre ast cancer, among others). This is likely case by case, but mostly curious if my asking is going to be met with a crosseyed response and a “no” from my doc (and / or insurance). I’m borderline willing to pay out of pocket for the peace of mind.

    1. Just FYI marathon running actually increases colon cancer risk because of the additional repeated stress the runs put on your colon.

        1. This changes everything. I have three kids and have learned that no good comes from forcing the kids to do anything after they are toddlers. She may change her tune but in middle school, it’s fine not to do anything. If she is serious about going to college and realizes that activities are necessary, she will come around.

    2. Are you having symptoms of any kind? I’d play those up if you are. I had some rectal bleeding that turned out to be a roid but they also found precancerous polyps. I was 32 then.

      1. I’m on a GLP1 and have been for almost 5 years. My #2s are very inconsistent as a result and I’ve had roids before. Suffice to say, I could discuss these symptoms in the context of wanting an early scan.

        1. Yes, that would work. But the unfortunate part is that your insurance will not cover it 100% as preventative. If you complain of symptoms, then it is called a diagnostic colonoscopy. I have that coming up and dread what the cost will be…

    3. You could get a diagnostic screen if you have relevant symptoms (GI symptoms, anemia, etc.). It’s still insurance covered but not as a free screen (so it’s covered in the usual deductible/copay sense).

      1. This. I had one at 42 because of pelvic pain. It was diagnostic but still free under my plan at the time. Under my current plan, I’m sure it would be $$$$.

      2. +1. I got a colonoscopy and endoscopy in my early 30s for IBS-D and GERD. I paid about $1k (mostly for anesthesia) but the rest was covered by insurance.

        1. Was the anesthesia out of network or was there a hospital fee, or why did insurance stick you with it?

    5. Do you know whether your parents or grandparents have had polyps or other elevated risk? I started colonoscopies at 40 (in the olden days when the usual age was 50) due to my grandfather having had colon cancer and my father having (not pre-cancerous) polyps. I’ve had them every five years since, with no insurance problems. Fortunately only non concerning polyps so far, which the GI has removed!

      1. I think that was probably based on the grandparent with cancer not the parent with polyps. My parents have both had polyps removed and doctors have told me it doesn’t affect the age at which I start screening.

      2. Do you still get them paid for 100%? I was told that once you have a history of polyps, now future colonscopies are no longer covered at 100%.

    6. OP, the guideline is either one first degree relative or two second degree relatives with pre-cancerous polyps (e.g., sessile serrated polyps). Your cousin is a third degree relative. But you should not be thinking about whether your first/second degree relatives have had colon cancer — it’s whether they have had precancerous polyps.

        1. I do have instance of blood on TO in last 12 months. I chalked it up to my GLP1 regimen and roids. But this is likely the ammo I need to get my request heard.

          Duly noted on precancerous polyp history in the fam. Will check on that too.

          1. Many doctors now are good about this but if you get one who tries to say you’re young, probably just a roid, push back hard.

          3. Yeah, this happened to DH and his PCP ordered the colonoscopy after messaging about it in the web portal!

          4. Yes. This happened to DH, and he did have roids, but since you can have two things, they still did the colonoscopy.

    7. Even if you’re referred to a gastroenterologist, they may not give you a colonoscopy if you don’t have symptoms or family history and aren’t 45. It doesn’t hurt to raise the concern to your doctor, but that still may be the outcome. Also, many people dismiss changes in their bathroom habits so your cousin may not have been completely symptom free.

      1. Fair point on your last statement, which is why I’m now rethinking my own history. Though, in her case, she’s a bedside nurse, so I trust her assessment that she was asymptomatic. A real wake up call!

  9. Does anyone have recommendations for computer-based systems similar to OneNote? I use that religiously for work and have accidentally accumulated a folder-ful of personal notes in there & need to split those out into something not work-related but easily accessible from my computer during the workday. I used Evernote successfully about 15 years ago but no idea what it’s like today. Anyone have a service you particularly like? TIA!

    3. OneNote is free and you don’t need a Microsoft subscription to download it!
      My last workplace used Evernote but in the last years, there have been increasing tech glitches combined with zero customer service. Would not recommend…

    4. onenote has a personal version also and one in the cloud. how are you using it for work?

    5. Thank you all! I didn’t know OneNote has a personal version too – that’s probably the way to go for me since it’s something I like and am used too. Trying to find something that’s computer-friendly vs phone-based like the Notes app (which I also use, just in a different way). I generally use OneNote to store & organize info I need & to have a space to take notes & work through planning etc.

      Appreciate the tips!

  10. Following an accident, I find myself having developed (hopefully temporarily) dark circles around my eyes. Can you please share your best under-eye concealer?

    Note – I am 53 and my skin is normal-to-oily, so while it is not super crepey or wrinkled, it is not 25-y.o. skin either.

    1. Are you talking bruising like from a black eye? If not, have you already been medically evaluated? Sudden, persistent dark undereye circles that aren’t from bruising can be indicative of serious medical issues, like liver failure.

      1. Thanks. I had acute black eyes following the accident. Those have recently dissipated. And I was evaluated for all the head injury things at the ER, all negative. But now it seems I just have dark circles. I assume it is still some.leftover blood in the area that I am really hoping will dissipate.

        1. If it’s outside the timeframe when the rest of your bruises have healed, please do see your doctor again.

          My husband has dark eye circles. For him, it’s a lifelong thing with no medical cause. However, we have learned that the medical causes that trigger this are not things you want to ignore and need professional intervention. Every time he sees a new medical provider he has to direct them to his PCP’s notes in his chart, that his eyes just are that way and that tests A, B, C, etc. have already been run and no adverse causes have been id’d.

    2. Try a color corrector (yellow or salmon if you’re white, all the way to red if you’re black). You want the thinnest formula possible. Nars’s is excellent, but expensive. Elf has one too. Apply a tiny amount before your regular concealer or foundation. If you insist on regular concealer, try a shade darker than normal (nothing illuminating), the nars that comes in a pot is very high coverage.

      1. +1
        I never wear concealer because I feel it makes my dark circles more obvious, but I wear color corrector in a peach shade to cancel out the blue tone and it makes such a difference.

    4. I like to use a brightening powder to conceal undereye circles. I use NYX Banana Powder, and it makes me look rested and bright eyed. I’m 54, so yeah, not 25. The powder eventually wears off, but doesn’t settle into creases, etc. the way cream concealers seem to do.

    5. Yes if you had an accident and then developed “raccoon eyes” that can be serious. Assuming you have already been assessed by medical professionals for a concussion or it was a different type of accident?

      1. I went to the ER and everything came back okay. I was happy with the dissipation of the real black eyes but I am now seeing the somewhat more subtle grey circles around my eyes for the first time.

    6. I’m 54 and love the Nars Soft Matte Complete Full Coverage Longwear Concealer. (Why is the name so long?!)

    7. I have very dark genetic undereye circles. I’ve been wearing undereye concealer since I was in middle school. My favorite by far is E.l.f. Camo Concealer. Only a couple dollars at any drugstore.

  12. For those of you with a carpeted second floor, how much do you care about coordinating the hallway and bedroom carpets? Our top choice for the staircase & hall is dark green. We want different colors for the bedrooms though. It seems silly to install a drab neutral or a color that limits our decor options. But how much would it bother you if the colors clash?

    1. It would bother me to have different carpets in the hallway and bedrooms upstairs. We have all carpet on our second floor now. In our last home, we had hardwood in the hall and carpeted rooms. That difference did not bother me. The thresholds you would need to install between the carpet would be too jarring to me (I also would never choose dark green for the hall, but that’s just me… my parents mountain home had dark green carpet throughout when they bought it and it was… a lot….).

      1. OP here. My understanding is you need a carpet made for high traffic areas on the stairs and hallway. Within the bedrooms I want something more plush so it definitely won’t be the same.

        The green we’re considering is a muted olive, not astroturf green.

        1. I think most people would use a low pile neutral carpet throughout and then add a low profile area rug as a second layer in bedrooms for color and plushness.

    2. I prefer the colors to play nicely together in areas that you can see from a common space, but I don’t think second floor bedroom carpeting needs to match the hallway flooring color. I’d just avoid putting something truly garish in the bedroom.

    3. How does installing a neutral flooring limit your decor options? It’s totally OK if you don’t like neutrals – but they do go with a lot of things?

      When I had carpet upstairs (no longer due to allergy issues), it was important to me that the spaces did not clash with each other when bedroom doors were opened.

      I ended up with dark neutrals of various shades.

    4. it has been since like, 1987 that I have been in a home where the bedrooms have different color carpet from each other.

      The hard part with a different color in the hall is the t-sition. Like, if you had a hardwood hallway with a runner, nbd that you have carpet in the bedrooms. But wall-to-wall carpet next to different wall-to-wall carpet is a really hard look to pull off.

      1. Not really, they just meet at the door threshold. When the door is closed, the joint is hidden by the door. When the door is opened, it’s just a line where the two different carpets touch.

      2. This. The fixer upper my mom bought in 1990 had a different color carpet in every room. Aqua, red, olive, gold. The house was a lot haha, and the carpets were certainly a contributing factor.

        For regular domestic life, I disagree that you need high traffic carpet. Buy a good carpet and put down a really good pad, and you’ll be set for years of living. If you’re set on green for the hallways, I’d use the same neutral in every bedroom, rather than a kaleidoscope of colors in every room.

        1. I agree that normal carpet plus the best pad you can buy are fine for high-traffic areas, especially if you don’t wear shoes in the house. I would do all one carpet. If you really really want something different on the stairs, I’d put in hardwood stair treads that match the hardwood on the first floor (assuming the first floor is wood) and then a stair runner on top with whatever loud color or pattern you like. This will make the contrast between the stairs and the upstairs look intentional.

    5. I would never have two different carpets meet. It is so jarring and cheap-looking. My parents had a house where the primary bedroom suite had been renovated and had different carpet than the hallway and it emphasized the lack of cohesion between the renovated section and the rest of the house.

      1. This is such a strange hang-up. So, so many homes have carpeting that isn’t the same from room to room and it is just as normal as having different types of hard floor meeting up.

        OP, I promise you it is not the faux pas this thread makes it out to be. Just pick out carpets you like, check them near each other to make sure you like how they work with each other, and enjoy your new flooring.

        1. it will look like a mish-mash of different renovations over many years (which is what most of the ’80s and ’90s houses described above actually were). I can’t imagine anyone doing it intentionally at the same time. I would agree with the other posters, choose a good-wearing carpet and add plush area rugs on top if you want more comfortable carpet in the bedrooms. We have a shaggy area rug in our basement over hardwood and it got so worn-looking so fast. I would have hated to have it installed as wall-to-wall carpet.

          1. Sure, if you put in 70s shag in one room, 80s berber in the next, and 90s movie theater in the next. But presumably OP isn’t planning to go that route.

        2. OP here and I’m so surprised at the responses! I expected people to either say “Yes, you should stick to a coordinated color family” or “Don’t worry about kids’ rooms clashing.” I’m struggling to think of a house I’ve walked into with the same carpet in the hallway and all bedrooms. Buying rugs to cover up brand new carpet is insane to me. I appreciate the differing points of view but at this point I think we’re going to pick whatever we want if even coordinated colors will get judged.

          1. My house does have the same carpet in all but one room. The stairs, the halls, the bedrooms, they are all the same. The one that differs is a color that works well with the rest, but a texture more suited to the room’s use. It was originally a playroom for the kids and has low-pile, less plush carpet that didn’t swallow dropped Legos.

            The house I grew up in had different carpets in each room, there was nothing that carried through a doorway without changing. The various rooms all complimented each other, and it was fine.

            I do notice that having the same carpet throughout makes the eye think of the space as larger than it is, at least when all the doors are open.

          2. I think it depends on the age of the house. Homes from the early 1990s or later in the “transitional” style will always have uniform carpet throughout the second floor, if carpeted. These homes typically have more open floor plans and tend to be decorated cohesively throughout, unless a previous owner went through an unfortunate HGTV/Trading Spaces phase as the previous owner of our home did. Older homes are more likely to have a patchwork of carpet because each room is decorated individually.

    6. To be honest, it would bother me a lot, to the point that I would never install clashing carpets in my hallways and bedrooms. But it is your house, and presumably, you do not have that many guests come upstairs. So if it doesn’t bother you, then go for it.

    7. My experience is that it more common to see carpeted bedrooms/other rooms and hardwood/LVP in the hallway. This gives you different flooring options but avoids mismatched carpet.

  13. My practice involves a lot of hard copy 3-ring binders. I have no closed storage in my office, I’m on virtual calls regularly and have bookcases behind me. I want client-identifying labels on the binder spine so I don’t lose track of which client is which, but I don’t want those labels visible on my calls. I’m looking for a bookcase or file storage cabinet with doors, preferably that lock, that’s less than 6′ tall, and looks ‘fine’ with an office full of dark brown fake wood office furniture. Our vendor has offered me another bookcase but I really want closed storage if possible. (I’ve tried the blur feature, and tried a file cabinet, hated both.)

    1. If you’re using Teams, instead of the blur feature you can choose a background that completely covers the background.

    4. If you can’t find the furniture you want, number the notebooks and keep a list of which client is which number.

    6. Is the issue that you need a storage unit that has locking doors for when you’re not in the office to keep them secure or is that you just need to hide the client names during calls? If it’s just hiding the client names, similar to the curtain suggestion, could you lean a piece of artwork against them as a styling choice during calls? That way you can pull the artwork down during the day when you’re actively working with them, but then put it back up to hide during the calls

    7. If the lock isn’t necessary, what about a folding room divider screen to block the view of the bookcase?

    8. Use code names. Or stick post-its on the labels. As an M+A girlie, it’s not ok to put client names on binders that someone could walk by and see. I presume it’s somewhat similar in your practice. And if this is your office–yes, there have been insider trading scandals inside firms! It’s unlikely, but not a zero chance that your client’s info could be leaked. A lot of firms instituted “clean desk” policies after these scandals!

  14. looking for recs for a step up from anne taylor or banana for a proper suit– Reiss, Theory, Mm Lafluer, the fold… am I missing any? wondering if there’s anywhere i haven’t looked. thanks.

    2. BOSS, which is carried at Nordstrom, has beautiful items.

      Also, when you say “proper suit” do you mean like business formal, you’d wear it to court? Or would the offerings from Veronica Beard work? I bought a pretty navy suit last year from VB, that I probably would not wear in the most formal of circumstances, but is otherwise lovely.

  15. Anyone read the latest NYT piece about Silicon Valley execs limiting their children’s screentime? It’s nothing super new but this product stood out to me:

    “With A.I., Silicon Valley’s latest product, tech is less a passive broadcast device than a direct substitute for human interaction. It doesn’t come between the parent and child. It replaces the parent.

    Consider a new app that Meta is testing, StoryKit. Your child is demanding you make up a story at bedtime? No problem. The app will take the child’s name and a few details and quickly spin a personalized tale. “No more guilt about screen time,” the app promises.”

    4. Yea I read it this morning. I’m not surprised. I would actually be surprised if they did let their kids have unfettered access. I think a lot of smart people in tech are doing the same, not just the tech execs. Screens are harmful to the developing brain.

      1. Having parents who don’t engage without an app telling them how to do it also seems harmful to developing brains, no?

        1. What matters isn’t the words you’re saying or the fact that you’re making up the story. What matters is you’re cuddling your kid and talking to them in a way that’s meant to engage them.

          A perfect imagination is not a prerequisite to being a good parent. Presence is.

    7. I think Yotos and Tonie boxes can be very fun, but I also know people who don’t also read to or sing with their kids and just let the toys do it. Yikes.

  16. Has anyone done an Alaska cruise with kids? Kids will be 9 and 11. We aren’t cruise people but seems like a fun way to go there and probably the only cruise we will all agree to. What companies are good? We’ve been to Vancouver before but not Seattle so thinking that may be a fun place to depart from as we have never been. Looking at next summer.

    Any feedback and recommendations welcome!

    1. Haven’t cruised Alaska with kids, but have cruised in Alaska and cruised with kids. Princess is the cruise line that pioneered Alaska cruising and claims to have the deepest ties to the state. That’s who we went with and it was terrific. Holland America also has a long history in Alaska.
      People will probably tell you to do Disney because of the kids and although I like Disney cruises a lot (we’ve done two with similarly-aged kids), it wouldn’t be my first choice for Alaska. They don’t have the permits for Glacier Bay so you won’t get the scenic glacier cruising you’ll get on Princess or HAL.
      Now is the right time to be booking for next summer – cruise prices tend to only go up over time, especially for summer and holiday sailings.

      1. +1
        Princess has a lot of infrastructure in the state and deep ties due to 50+ years in that market. This translates to better berths, access to Glacier Bay, inland lodges, etc.
        You can google which lines have Park Service permits to enter Glacier Bay. I think HAL is one as well.

        1. I’d strongly consider seeing the glaciers from a smaller boat. The big ships stop and let you gander before leaving after about 30 minutes. That’s so little after coming all the way to Alaska. You want an experience that will take you up close or even let you kayak up near the face.

          Uncruise and Lindblad are options. Or a smaller boat out of Petersburg, etc.

          1. Small ships have advantages (although personally I find them harder with kids + also the environmental impact per passenger is much greater, if that’s a concern), but it’s just not true that you pop in and leave after 30 minutes. We were at both Glacier Bay and Hubbard Glacier for at least 5-6 hours on Princess.

          2. You may be in the Glacier Bay park for 5-6 hours, but the ship only pulls up in front of the glacier for a short time. The rest of the time is cruising through the park, which is beautiful, but not glacier viewing.

          3. That’s not accurate. There are small ships that consider their environmental impact and have taken steps to reduce their impact and to mitigate as much as possible.

          4. No, I’m saying we were parked in front of the glaciers for several hours. The time from entrance to exit of the park with the ranger onboard was more like 12 hours. An entire day of the itinerary should be devoted to it, and typically is.

          5. I was just in Glacier Bay and both a Princess and Holland American ship pulled up in front of Margerie Glacier / Grand Pacific Glacier and then departed in the time I was out on a kayak exploring the ice field, glacier and coast. Neither was there for more than 45 minutes. Neither got close to the glacier.

          6. A quick Google, and AI says big ships are in Glacier Bay for 8-10 hours and typically spend 45-90 minutes at Margerie Glacier (which is adjacent to Grand Pacific Glacier). And the ship turns around during that time so you’d have to keep relocating if you want view the glacier for that whole window.

            Late in the summer ships can also go to Johns Hopkins Glacier, but it’s restricted earlier in the summer because of mating season.

    2. We did Princess with my then 12-year-old and it was fantastic. They have National Parks rangers come on board the day of Glacier Bay and that was really cool. My kiddo loved the trivia. We spent a few days in Seattle afterward and that was also a lot of fun.

    3. Look at Uncruise America. We went with kids of similar ages and had a great time. You see a lot more nature than you would on a giant ship, with lots of opportunities to be out on kayaks, hiking or on small boats. No crowds. No port days with folks trying to sell you stuff.

      I’d suggest departing from a port in Alaska so as to maximize your time seeing sights.

    4. When I went to Alaska, seeing the impact that giant cruise ships made on fragile glaciers and wildlife (who were otherwise peacefully lounging on icebergs) was really stomach-churning, and I’m not a big environmentalist. I always said Alaska was a cruise I’d actually do but seeing it first hand really turned me off.

      DH and I drove and took sea planes and much smaller boats up to the glaciers. I would do our trip with kids that age. They would get a huge kick out of the sea planes. Even the road trip parts weren’t boring. There are lots of places to pull off and spot moose etc. I think our longest stretch in the car was 4 hours and that was just for one day.

      1. Seaplanes and helicopters are also problematic. If you’re in Juneau all you hear is the thump thump of helicopters and thum of planes. It’s constant noise when you should be immersed in nature.

        1. Seaplanes are environmental nightmares. They often leak noxious chemicals and they transport invasive species on their floats. (I work in conservation).

        2. Agreed.

          It also isn’t either/or. We spent two weeks in Alaska and did a week on a cruise and a week on land. Both were spectacular. There are things like Glacier Bay that you can see better from a cruise ship and other things like Denali that you obviously can’t see at all from a cruise. I’ve traveled a lot in both the US and abroad and that Alaska trip is still one of the very best we’ve done, probably top 3 trips ever.

    5. We did one (my in-laws arranged) when my kids were 8 and 10, through Norwegian. On the whole, it was really nice, tons of beautiful things to see and the excursions were great. On the downside, though, there was a limit on what to do with kids that age on the ship -they were too big/bored with kids club, but not old enough to do more teen/independent stuff, and the fact that the pool/slides were not comfortable most of the trip limited things. There were only really a handful of planned activities (shows, etc.) that were appropriate and interesting to them, and it was sort of exhausting trying to plan and manage those. I had really looked forward to peaceful reading while enjoying the scenery, but didn’t get much time for it. We spent a LOT of time in the observation lounge playing cards, which was really nice, but it felt like a lot.

      Definitely bring things to do (cards, small games, art/crafts, etc.) and be prepared to have to manage the kids a bit. It’s a good trip to bring extended family too, if that’s an option for you.

      We left from Seattle in mid-summer. We live in the southeast so it was nice to experience summer so differently. BTW, that time of year, most of Alaska was sort of mid-fall like (sweatshirt weather but not cold), except the glaciers which were cold-cold. We had to pack so much, though!

      1. There are some ships that have indoor pools! With kids this age, finding a ship with an indoor pool would probably be my second priority, with the first being an itinerary that includes both a day at Glacier Bay and a day at a second glacier like Hubbard or Portage.

    6. Cruises to warm places with nice beaches, with pool weather is probably going to be more fun than Alaska: you’ll be doing a ton of indoor activities and some nature watching, which your kids may or may not get into.

  17. Please share your favorite small tips that make a big difference!

    My contribution: capping my fingernails when painting them means my polish lasts for many days longer. I am lucky to get 4 days of unchipped polish if I don’t cap them. Capped, I can easily hit a week.

    2. Packing my breakfast & lunch the night before (I have both meals at work), takes 5-10 min tops. If I try to do it in the morning, there may be a partially used bag of nuts or a single apple for the day!

      1. swiping the polish over the tip / edge of the nail, not just applying it to the top. I agree with the OP that it really helps with chipping!

    5. I keep various cards on hand – birthday, baby, sympathy, etc., and it makes it really simple when I need one last minute. This also allows me to have a collection of ones I like, vs having to scramble around at CVS for the one with the least-weird message inside. I get a lot of cute, cheap ones at TJ Maxx/Marshalls, or when seasonal sales hit.

      1. I do this, I get them from my local art gallery and they typically have beautiful art and lovely messages. But this DEEPLY offends my DH who thinks you should special purchase a card for every event and it’s rude to have a stockpile.

        1. omg what? Like, he thinks you’re not putting sufficient thoughtfulness into card selection by pre-choosing nice ones to have on hand?

        2. Haha, does he analyze every card he receives to determine whether it was purchased specially just for him? And what if you find a perfect card for your sister’s birthday next spring? Does he rule out buying it now and holding on to it until then?

          1. Yeah he thinks cards need to be purchased specifically for the occasion. (But he buys cards the day before because he’s a mess.) I think he thinks I’m both not thoughtful for pre planning and that my planning irritates his chaotic self.

  18. Ugh, someone give me strength. We’re trying to arrange a family vacation with three sets of cousins to a popular resort area that’s somewhat equidistant for everyone to get to and it’s been like pulling teeth to get anyone to commit. We finally settled on the busiest week of the year to accommodate one family’s school schedule but then she and her sister are both implying they’re not enthusiastic about the destination and that they’ll stay in a small, rundown down 25 minutes away to cut costs. Then they keep saying they’re “ambivalent” about returning to the area, which we all used to go to as kids. Um…then why are we doing this? I would far, far rather cancel the whole thing if they don’t want to go and do something with my own family instead – seriously, I don’t need to pay school vacation week prices if they’re not into this plan. They seem to be having trouble speaking up and directly saying they would like to do something else. Instead it’s all hints and sighs and “well I’m sure it will be fun.” I know they both grew up in a non-confrontational, passive-aggressive household and that they genuinely want our families to get together so the cousins can bond, but come on. Use your words if you don’t want to go to this town!

    1. Well, why ARE you doing this? It sounds like the area is too expensive for the whole group, even if there is nostalgia involved in going back there. Is the whole gang happy to all go somewhere less costly together?

    2. Just cancel and spare yourselves the aggravation. If they get fussy about it call them out for their non-interest and offer to try again next year.

    3. Im sorry. Been there done that a few times, paid for extended family to join. It just felt thankless.

      My approach now is, I’ll tell you what we are doing for vacation. If you want to join, feel free to meet us there.

    4. It sounds like everyone is afraid of hurting the group’s feelings by saying they’re not actually into it. Be the brave one and say so.

      1. I have!! Multiple times!! The only thing I haven’t done is fully withdraw my family from going.

        1. You have said this and the other two cousins have also said they are ambivalent and don’t plan to join.

          Honestly, it sounds like you are the one who isn’t getting the message: the group trip has outlived its welcome and needs to end. Just accept that, cancel it, and vacation with your own household.

          2. hm, I’d say something like “it sounds like everyone likes this idea in theory… but maybe not so much in practice and budget given the high-demand week we’re looking at. I vote we nix this plan and try for a summer get-together” – would that work?

    5. Indecision is itself a decision, and in my old age, I have no problems treating it that way. They won’t commit? That’s a no.

      Just tell everyone that you want the cousins to get together but you aren’t going to pay school vacation week prices and not have people show up. You have cancelled. Let’s try again next year.

  19. I’m sorry to bring this subject up again but I read an excellent substack by Tracie Morrissey (longtime writer for Jezebel) about the Lindsay Clancy case and I would encourage everyone here to read it given our conversations about the case over the last week. She critiques the media atmosphere around the case, in particular Tiktok, and how the incentives of content creation do not balance well with the norms and obligations of journalists. She also recognizes “the fact that so many people are willing to learn about postpartum psychosis, question whether [Lindsay] received appropriate psychiatric case, and consider that a woman could love her children and nevertheless kill them during a catastrophic psychiatric episode–that’s actually progress!”
    It’s a good, compassionate take on a deep tragedy. Tracie’s substack is called Flagged & Reported.

    1. Don’t apologize. It’s a valid topic that lots of people are interested in with lots of angles.

      1. Nah, people are rubbernecking and suddenly pretending they’re all interested in maternal mental health to cover it. It’s getting so old.

        1. So? That’s what people do. I’m sorry you think it’s ghoulish but it is a public-interest story. Sharing news items is how people have conversation about lots of things that generate from news items. It’s weird that there’s a whole contingent of people who think it should be off-limits as a conversation topic.

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