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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Macaw Ballet Tie-Neck Blouse

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A woman wearing a multicolored print blouse and black jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Farm Rio is one of my favorite brands for fun prints, and this top is no exception. If you’re looking to liven up a work wardrobe that’s feeling a little blah, a boldly-printed blouse might do the trick.

Wear this “macaw” print with a pair of black trousers for an easy pick-me-up or, if you’re already feeling bold, layer it under an olive or burgundy blazer to really make the colors sing.

The top is $180 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes XS–XL.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

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  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

444 Comments

  1. Paging Coach Laura – time zones meant I didn’t see your reply on yesterday’s morning thread!

    Yes, I am writing a book! Or more accurately, I have written one book which I’m currently trying to sell (do we have any literary agents in the hive who are interested in romantic comedies…?) and I’m now working on the first draft of the next book. It’s completely unhinged and I’m having so much fun with it!

      1. Thanks! It’s still a long road ahead. The best way to stay up to date would be to subscribe to my (free) Substack at “Pull Up A Chair” because I’ll be sharing book news as and when I have any there. Planning to do a fun ‘behind the scenes’ post about the ridiculous Google searches involved so far in book 2 in a couple of weeks!

    2. Paging Coach Laura – I am catching up on the comments to my post yesterday about hospice/hotels/my dad’s death. I am so sorry you lost your husband a few months ago. There really are not words. Just sending love and peace your way.

      1. Same back at you Sunshine. It’s too soon to lose your dad at your young age.

    3. Oh, how exciting! I’ll look at your substack. I’m rooting you on and will follow. I have two novels outlined (very different – one in the US Depression and one set in the modern era) and now that I’m retired, I’m going to try to make progress on them. That is, after selling the house, and the move to Arizona and all the other stuff going on.

  2. Can I wear straight leg leather pants to work with a chunky sweater? Business/smart casual office?

    4. depends on your department. I have seen people wear them but I have also heard other people talking about the pants behind their backs.

    10. Just chiming in to say the very fashionable, 60ish federal circuit court judge I clerked for wore leather pants to work and I thought she was such a baller. So I vote yes!

      1. The judge can wear leather pants if she wants to. The attorneys, not so much.

    12. I would. This may be regional.
      I don’t think they’d blink in nyc but in rural PA it may become a whole thing.

  3. My PhD supervisor is moving on from my PhD institution and they are hiring for her replacement (at a junior level), basically a bargain rate Sarah.

    I feel all sorts of conflicted. It’s local to me, unlike my current job, and I know what I’d be getting, but also, I know what I’d be getting.

    1. Not sure I understand your post – are you asking whether you should apply for the role? Are you currently still en route to a PhD?

    2. This post made no sense at all, until I realized that you must be a regular poster who is in the extremely unusual situation of living in the town where she did her phd, but working elsewhere. Are you asking if you should apply?

      1. Just adding, obviously yes, you should apply, if you think you’re at all competitive. You want to stay in current city, right?

        1. Yes, sorry got distracted and hit send without re-reading. I think I’m competitive but depends very much on the make-up of the hiring committee (academia – low stakes, high drama).

          I do find the prospect of going back a tricky one…I had a very positive experience there but I was in a unique PhD/postdoc position where I was shielded from a lot of the internal stuff and those structures are no longer in place. But lifewise, it makes sense to apply and keep my fingers/toes crossed.

          I just find my current department really lovely, and would be sad to leave. But equally, my husband, who I adore and want to be happy, will not happily move to work city.

          Less an advice request, as obvs, I should apply, more putting it out into the universe.

          1. Spouse of a tenured prof here. Don’t apply.

            I put up with a city I actively dislike because my husband’s job is here. We had a LDR and I moved to be here. His department is good, he likes his colleagues, and he has a lot of good opportunities.

            If he did what you are contemplating, I wouldn’t move and it might end our marriage. Your current institution is fine and DH is happy and thriving in your location – you won “academic married to a professional.”

          2. I think she lives in a different city from her DH and she likes her job in that city but he doesn’t want to move there so she is looking at moving back to where he currently lives. But not sure if this job is worth moving back for.

          3. I think she’s considering applying for a job in the city where she already lives?

          4. No I think you’re reading this wrong. The job she’d apply for would mean not needing to move.

          5. I don’t understand what you’re saying regarding “work city” – is this the city you’re currently working in, which your husband doesn’t want ot move to (are you in a long-distance relationship?) Is the city where you did your PhD and where this opening popped up another city, far away?

            I would suggest you present your question in a more structured way to get meaningful input. The way your initial post and also your answers are written it’s confusing. (And I say this with love, as an ex-academic who moved into a role where executive communication is key.)

          6. She commutes to a job in a different city from where she did her phd and where her spouse/child lives, hence the desire to apply for this job, even if it’s less than ideal. As a fellow academic who really hates the geographic limitations of academia, I very much offer my sympathies on this and wish you the best. I understand how hard this is!

          7. Oh absolutely cut out the commute and apply to the job where your family lives. That’s a no-brainer.

          8. Is this a tenure track position from which you could lateral in the future to some location where you’d both be happy?

      1. I’m guessing OP means that Sarah is the name of the old PhD supervisor and they are now trying to replace Sarah with (for lack of better phrasing) a bargain model at a cheaper rate.

    5. Why wouldn’t you choose to work where you also live? If my spouse chose to not apply / not accept a job that’s in our city and continue a job where they’re spending a few nights away from home every week, I would seriously reevaluate my marriage. Especially if there are children involved.

      Just about everyone puts up with aspects of their job they don’t like because it provides them with enough things they do like.

    6. Oh wow, folks, I really overcomplicated things with my stream of consciousness post.

      I did my PhD in city a and live in city a with my husband and kid. I work in city b and commute there a few days a week during the semester. This is a product of a horrendous academic job market. My husband hates city b, and is very happy in city a. A job is about to open in city a and while applying is absolutely the best call, I feel a bit apprehensive about returning to the PhD university if I got the job. It would be the best choice for family, but weirdly maybe not for work life balance (city b job is less prestigious and more chill).

      2. No advice, but my sympathies! My best friend is also an academic that has lived in a different city from her husband through several jobs, with lots of commuting back and forth. The limited market is really frustrating and can be hard on both spouses!

      4. I would apply because I can’t imagine flying to City B is sustainable long term with a husband and child in City A. But before applying, I’d talk to Sarah. See if she has insight on the department and how it’s changed since you left. Does she think you’re a good candidate? Would she put in a good word (if her exit wasn’t acrimonious)? Are there others in the department you’re in touch with who could provide some insight?

    1. yeah, I do not get the appeal of Farm Rio at all. I don’t mind a bold print but something about theirs reminds me of a tourist shop in the tropics with “authentic” clothes.

      1. I think if I wanted a bold print, I’d go for one of the Zuri dresses, which are gorgeous.

        1. I like them, but I got a shirt and I feel like the shape just screams “menopause.” But it was too much volume to belt. I like the idea but feel like it makes me even more triangular than I am.

          1. I love mine, and found that even though it’s a ton of fabric in the dresses, it lays right so it’s not exaggerating areas that I don’t want exaggerated. Seems for me that fitting well in the shoulders is key to it laying right everywhere else.

      2. Some things are whackadoodle, but some really are just pure joy. I also like how they did black-based winter prints this year. My FR is mainly a few fun summer beach pieces and they are so excellent vs my normal mall brand fare.

      3. Same. I feel like their prints are made for fantasy life, not real life. But maybe that’s the point.

      4. I love a bold print, and I think the Farm Rio prints are in my “colors”. However…I ordered a dress with a smaller print, and…nope. I exchanged it for a smaller size, and still nope. The fit was terrible!

      5. Glad I’m not the only one with that reaction to this brand, I’ve always thought that exactly.

      6. I rent them all the time from RTR, and I bought a coat from there which is just pure joy and my most complimented item. But I generally think most prints are too much for daily life!

      1. Oh I’m hardly boring and trend toward maximalist, but this brand is very someone’s vision of higher end Tommy Bahama for women. Hard pass.

    3. The print is ok, but I don’t like sheer/thin polyester shirts. They’re too cold to wear for the office, and wearing something underneath never looks good.

    4. I am plus sized and I thought at first “oh wow, they’re featuring a plus sized pick!” Take what you will from that.

    5. The blouse shown isn’t for me but as a whole I love Farm Rio, particularly for summer and for tropical vacations (unfortunately don’t get to do enough of those as my closet might suggest). I remember first seeing them and thinking how different and fun it was compared to everything else. I’m partial to their 100% cotton pieces.

  5. Help me dream a little?

    I’m a lifelong Floridian, but my husband is more of a nomad and with state legislation pending likely to impact his law practice, he’s seriously thinking about relocating. The minimum requirement for our new location would be laws friendly to personal injury lawyers. My nice-to-haves would be an area with lots of outdoor recreation year round, lots of sunshine, water preferred, though that can be ocean, gulf, lake, etc. Good schools (public or private) for our elementary-aged kids. Any ideas where we should be looking? I’m such a homebody that the thought of leaving Florida (with all its warts) is hard for me!

      1. The nice parts of CA cost waaaaay more than Florida so unless they’re really loaded it would mean a huge lifestyle downgrade.

      2. That’s a pretty broad generalization for a state with 40 million people, a lot of excellent teachers, and tons of public school alumni contributing to society.

        What makes you write off the entire state’s public schools?

      3. There are lots of good public school districts in CA, especially in the wealthy areas OP is likely to live in.

      4. Don’t forget that you can’t waive in (or at least you couldn’t last time I checked) to the CA bar… so that’s really annoying.

    2. North Carolina? not sure about their laws, but lots of outdoor rec and semi reasonable COL

    3. I mean, I’ve never seen a piece of legislation actually put a dent in a law practice, everyone figures out how to pivot. This sounds extreme to me. Also PI law is very localized and any move would be seriously starting over.

      1. Yea, if you’re hoping to find a sunny state with water with a law friendlier to the plaintiff’s bar, I can’t tell you where that may be. Maybe I’m just jaded from years of defense litigation in Florida, but I think of it as pretty plaintiff friendly. (The answer is not North Carolina, which is one of the few states that still has a contributory negligence rule)

      2. I’m monitoring the legislation OP is talking about (I think) and I’m wondering too why it would foreclose any pivot. I think it’s going to be hard to find a more plaintiff friendly place than FL, at least in the Southeast, even if this legislation passes.

        1. he’ll just have to be a more scrupulous attorney!

          (Sarcasm, I kid, I kid, also defense bar)

    4. West Michigan is pretty close to your list, except for the “lots of sunshine” part.

  6. I need help from MA rettes. We are currently in a condo in Waltham, and desperate for a house with a yard (one 20 month old and a dog and would like to have a second baby). We are looking for a yard, doesn’t need to be huge but ideal would be fenced in and not feel like the neighbors are on top of you. Three bedrooms plus an office (which can be a fourth bedroom or a finished basement). Over 1600 sq feet and we would love a good sized living room or family room. Budget is under 850k and we are getting out bid on everything. Any hidden gem towns you’d recommend ? I go in to Boston about 2 days per week. We have made offers in natick , Wayland and Hopkinton which we are prob priced out of – seems like houses listed at 800 are going closer to 900. Looking at canton although not much inventory right now. I grew up in Weymouth and kind of averse to the south shore but would love to hear towns you love

    1. If you’re looking for a not-crazy expensive town, Wayland and Natick aren’t it.

      Try the towns that were solidly middle class 20 years ago – Woburn, Reading, Lynnfield, Billerica. If you get priced out, move out towards 495.

      If you don’t mind living out near 495, try towns like Bolton, Hudson, and Harvard.

      1. You’d be hard pressed to find anything in Reading or Lynnfield with that much space for your budget. Woburn would probably be pushing it for a single family as well, and commuting into the city even twice a week from Billerica will destroy your soul. I’d look at Wilmington – more square footage for your money, not too far out of the city and right off of 93 plus a commuter rail station so lots of commuting options. A quick peek at Zillow shows one nice looking house that hits all of your requirements at about $650k, so plenty of room to go up in your offer.

        1. There are a few on Zillow in Reading and Lynnfield in the $570k-$750k range that tick all of those boxes.

          1. You never know whether the price was set artificially low to attract multiple bids. Just happened to a friend of mine. They ended up increasing their bid because they fell in love with the house, but they never would have looked at it if the listing price had been anywhere near the final price. They like the place but have serious regrets about paying so much.

    2. Carlisle, Chelmsford, Boxborough, Acton. Further out: Harvard, Groton, Stowe. These are much further drives from Boston and would be beyond what I’d be willing to do, but not sure what your willingness to commute is.

    3. Agree w/ poster above. Wayland and Natick don’t appear to be in your budget. They’re not bargain towns Are you looking to stay metrowest? If not, how about north? North Reading, Peabody, Wakefield, maybe Stoneham if you’re lucky and compromise on age of home and finishes. Might be one of your only shots to get inside 128 and still be in a “suburban” community.

    4. If you are looking at towns like Wayland, Lincoln, Sudbury, Hopkinton- those home are going to be bigger than you want. There is 1 acre zoning and the vast majority of homes there are 4br/2.5 baths and are hitting the market for 850-1.5k.

      Have you looked at Acton, Stowe or Maynard? If you can commute by train, there is a commuter rail in Acton and the lot sizes in those towns are smaller lending them to smaller and lower priced homes.

    6. Dedham is perhaps affordable for you, and has some nice conservation lands. Framingham might be a candidate, too. Try Beverly and Melrose. Salem, too. What about Waltham? is that a candidate? Holliston is affordable. Good luck! oh–and Hudson.

  7. Is this gaslighting:

    Me: It bothers me when you don’t listen to me when I am in the room talking to you.
    Him: It makes me feel bad when you accuse me of not listening to you when you don’t know how I feel. You are being mean and hurtful.

    He is always asking me to repeat what I just said. Always. I hate this.

    2. It sounds manipulative to me, at best. You aren’t in charge of his feelings and if he is having them, he needs to communicate them to you. This would absolutely not work for me in a relationship.

    3. Not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be him trying to convince you that you didn’t actually talk to him, that you only thought you did.

      exhausting and irritating, though, yes.

    4. I’m not sure if it’s technically gaslighting, but it sounds manipulative and crappy behavior if the Him is someone close to you. Personally, I had one therapy session with my husband about a manipulation issue and that’s all it took for him to knock it off. An ex boyfriend I had to learn to dump. A colleague, I had to learn to document meeting notes and emails. My dad, I learned he has major hearing problems and is in denial about hearing aids and I no longer try to talk to him unless I’m in front of him with his full attention. (Rare)

    5. Questions bc this would drive me batty:

      – is he not listening to you, or not hearing you?

      – are you talking to him while he’s doing something else? My kids do this to me all the time and I’m too focused and often don’t hear them. Eg. On the phone, sorting papers intensely focused, etc.

      – doe he do it with other people?

      – does he need his hearing checked?

      And/or if it happens this often, would it help to start with “name, _____”?

      1. Yeah, the circumstances really matter. I do this to my husband because we both WFH and he’s on zoom calls all the time, or gets random phone calls, or is just talking to the cat. I’m used to tuning him out because a lot of the time he’s talking, he’s not talking to me! If he wants me to listen to him, he really needs to do something to get my attention first. If he tried to tell me that it was my fault for not paying attention to him, I might be a little offended too.

        Similarly, my husband does this when there’s a lot of background noise and he really can’t hear me. You need to really talk to each other and find out what’s going on, not just get mad at each other.

      2. Agree this matters. My husband and I were having a similar issue and were both getting frustrated, but it just turned out to be that he was doing other things so his mind was occupied elsewhere and by the time he would switch his brain over to listening to me, I was done talking and would then have to repeat myself. Now I say “Hey” and let him pause his show or look up from the ipad or whatever, and he listens. It’s cut this problem down to zero.

        1. YES, this is the way. If my brain is focused on something – an email, a tv show, even just daydreaming – I literally cannot hear my husband when he talks to me. I need him to say my name so I can switch my brain to listen. It drives him crazy but I promise it’s not intentional.

      3. Agree context matters. My husband has what we later figured out is a auditory processing issue. He hears me the first time, but his brain takes a minute to process what I said, so his automatic response is to say, “what?” I have learned to either just repeat myself or to really make sure I have his attention before I say something. It was frustrating at first, but now that I understand better I make adjustments.

        1. Same in my household. I just wait a few seconds to see if he really needs me to repeat it.

    6. Not everything is gaslighting. Most people are just self centered and annoying, not devising elaborate plots to make you think you’re going insane and imagined your entire conversation.

    7. I feel like it is – “you accuse me of not listening to you” which implies that he IS listening to you (but choosing not respond because of how he “feels” WTAF?) when you know he’s not.

      Regardless, I’m so, so sorry you are living in this situation and I would recommend getting out of it if you can. Sending you hopes for all the love you really deserve. Life is too short to live like this if you have an option.

      1. I think this is the fastest escalation to DTMFA I’ve ever witnessed here.

        What if this guy has a hearing or auditory processing issue, or what if he’s in the middle of reading something and didn’t catch what she said?

        In my household, we’re constantly repeating ourselves because e.g. the dishwasher was running and making it harder to hear, or because we hadn’t fully shifted attention from something else we were doing. And sometimes we have bad habits like getting distracted by notifications on our phones, and annoy one another or hurt each other’s feelings. Especially with working from home, one or the other of us is not always in the headspace of being at home and giving each other full attention.

        But it helps to do things like leave the phone somewhere and sit down facing each other over a cup of tea so that we can catch up, or at least sitting on the porch watching the weather and chatting. I think this really helps as compared to just randomly talking while one or both of us is half occupied. I’m essentially never sitting in a room in my house just waiting for my husband to start talking; I’m always doing something.

        1. My husband was doing what the OP describes and went to an auditory specialist and we found out he’s at 50% hearing in his left ear – which was the one that was closest to me when we were sitting on the couch together. No idea how it happened or how long it’s been like that; thankfully the hearing loss doesn’t seem to be progressing (he goes in for a yearly hearing test). He doesn’t use a hearing aid at this point. If there’s background noise (dishwasher, TV, washer or dryer) near where he’s standing and we’re not within about 6-8 feet of him when we talk, he can’t hear it. It doesn’t affect him as much at work because he works in a quiet environment. After he got the diagnosis, I felt bad for all the times I got cranky with him when I had to repeat myself. He literally just couldn’t hear me.

          OP, your husband needs a hearing test. Then decide what to do.

      1. +1! How dare you call me on my bad behavior is the favorite tactic of r4cists who don’t like to be bothered.

      3. This. My former husband used to do this all the time — even the mildest of requests was met with “how dare you lay a trip on me like that!!” and then the discussion was all about how awful I was and my original legitimate issue always got lost. Ugh.

    9. Not it isn’t gaslighting but who cares? It bothers you because it’s rude and assume aggressive.

    10. This is a variation on the man who has a really hard time apologizing and if you let him know he did something wrong will throw the thing that you did wrong six months ago back at you. Bc the only way he can have down something wrong is if you did some you wrong first. Horrible personality trait, my DH has it. Drives me batty when it rears it’s ugly head. (But in his case, he has redeeming personality traits and is generally a good man, loving husband and fabulous dad, so I overlook this flaw bc I’m no perfect specimen either.)

    11. It’s not gaslighting because he’s not trying to persuade you it didn’t really happen.

      But if he is asking you to repeat what you just said, it sounds like he’s trying to listen? This sounds like a problem where your way of getting his attention isn’t succeeding (and yes that can be very annoying).

      1. When it’s perpetual though and seems to be only re you though? I am sure that these dudes (always dudes, yes?) can always hear their boss but not their partner.

        1. My husband is this dude and he doesn’t hear his boss either. His own thoughts are so fascinating to him that if he’s thinking he doesn’t hear anything going on around him.

    12. 1. Has he had his hearing checked? DH has hearing loss from his high school band days and which side I’m standing on makes a difference in how well he can hear.

      2. Not looking at you doesn’t mean not listening.

      3. You’re both right and you’re both wrong. It’s legitimate feel like he’s not listening if you’re having to repeat yourself but you are assuming he’s ignoring vs distracted or not hearing. He’s being defensive instead of seeing his wife needing to make a connection and be heard.

    13. I would charitably say that his response isn’t constructive.

      Perhaps what he is unsuccessfully saying is that he is not intentionally not listening but has not started to listen before you are halfway through what you are saying? One of the first signs of hearing loss is that the person must *concentrate* in order to hear the sounds and form them into words that they recognize. I have mild to moderate hearing loss (in my early 30s, yay!) and I am this way. I can hear someone and yet not be able to form the sounds into words without a second or two to adjust my focus. Is there a lot of background noise when you are trying to speak to him, or is in the middle of reading something? Both of these circumstances would make it hard for him to understand the words as you say them.

      He could also just be petty. But I think you should ask him to get his hearing checked while you give him the benefit of the doubt.

      1. Ah yes, the conservative war on the word “gaslighting,” which they want to eliminate from the English language because that’s what they do to the American population. What a hill to die on (although not any weirder than banning drag shows).

        2. No one is banning the word, just commenting on the fact it is overused and misapplied, as are lots of psychology terms these days.
          And drag shows are pretty offensive to womenand while they should not be banned I don’t understand the desire to protect them as a pet project

          1. “And drag shows are pretty offensive to women”
            What? Have you ever even been to one?

          2. When your lived experience regarding drag shows is what Fox News told you about drag shows.

    15. This gave me flashbacks to my ex, who came to hate the term gaslighting (because he did it a lot) and the argument would devolve into whether what he did was technically gaslighting. Sometimes labels are counterproductive. Though in this instance I’d call it deflecting or turning it back around on you (not sure if there’s a technical term for that).

    16. This issue is pretty common, especially for people who’ve lived alone or spend a lot of time in their own head. I’ll walk into a room and ask DH to do something and he won’t respond; if I repeat myself and he heard me he gets annoyed because I’m nagging, buts it’s like 50/50 on whether he heard me. And I’ve developed a reflexive “huh?” every time he speaks to me because I’m usually focused on something else and I’ll realize he’s talking to me like halfway through what he’s saying. Both of us are trying to be better at getting the other person’s attention before we start speaking. Which leads to some kind of fun antics. He might not pay attention to me when I’m speaking but he will always pay attention to T and/or A.

      1. I never heard this term before but it fits my former husband perfectly!!

    19. Why do you think he’s not listening to yo, as opposed to not hearing you? This would definitely be annoying, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily appropriate to be annoyed at him, ignoring you on purpose or something like that.

  8. I voluntarily applied for a year long, selective, intensive program that ends in a credential. I am 2/3 done. I deeply underestimated the amount of time it would take for me to both attend sessions and complete the coursework. Sessions are often extended by several hours- I take those days off work but originally I’d planned on getting work or life tasks done half the day and I haven’t been able to. I don’t want to quit but man, am I tired. Any advice for slogging through?

    1. What’s the credential? You may get some opinions on whether the juice is worth the squeeze here.

    2. You take it one day, sometimes one hour, sometimes ten minutes at a time, and you write notes to yourself that you post where you can see them on why the hell you’re doing this.

      Signed, grad school was this and chemo weeks were even worse.

      1. Which is all to say: deep, deep solidarity, and the only way out seems to be through.

    4. Why are sessions getting extended? Can you skip part of the session or sort of tune out and use the time to do the coursework? Have you spoken to the instructor? I’m sure you’re not the only person having this issue, perhaps the instructor has some kind of workaround.

    5. Oof – having sessions run over by hours(!) is not great program management. But don’t quit! You’re more than halfway there! My advice would be to let as much slide as possible. Buy extra undies so you don’t have to do so much laundry. Eat convenience foods from now until the program ends, and have groceries delivered. Half-ass as many things as possible. Etc.

      1. All of this. Keep reminding yourself that you are SO CLOSE to done. Cheese and crackers is an excellent dinner, etc. You’ve got this!

    6. Hi from an actuary. This was my life for close to a decade. I’m really glad I’m an actuary now, but I doubted it every step of the way.

      The only way out is through!

  9. Reposting to try to avoid m o d. Apologies if this shows up twice.

    Help me dream a little?

    I’m a lifelong Floridian, but my husband is more of a nomad and with state legislation pending likely to impact his law practice, he’s seriously thinking about relocating. The minimum requirement for our new location would be laws friendly to personal injury lawyers. My nice-to-haves would be an area with lots of outdoor recreation year round, lots of sunshine, water preferred, though that can be ocean, gulf, lake, etc. Good schools (public or private) for our elementary-aged kids. Any ideas where we should be looking? I’m such a homebody that the thought of leaving Florida (with all its warts) is hard for me!

    1. Southern California if outdoor recreation means warm weather to you. Pacific Northwest if it doesn’t. But really, where do you have ties? Don’t just move someplace random where he has to build a business from scratch.

      1. I would not voluntarily move to California or the PNW right now. Both are crazy expensive and quality of life is declining rapidly. In SoCal you will spend $1M+ for a terrible home that’s falling down and needs major renovations, unless you want to live out in a desert wasteland. My friend who still lives in a very expensive suburb in NorCal says that her formerly quiet neighborhood has been overrun by noisy police helicopters flying low at all hours, and piles of trash are accumulating everywhere. The state and local governments are just too dysfunctional to govern.

        1. What?! Where in NorCal?

          I live in a very expensive part of the Bay Area and there are no police helicopters or piles of trash where I am.

          It’s morally wrong how very hard my city makes it to build homes and make home improvements. I wouldn’t call it dysfunctional, though.

          We have lovely weather, lots of ways to get around via bikes and walking (transit has lots of room to improve), wonderful libraries and parks, fantastic city-run arts education for all ages, and a wealth of nature just a short drive away.

        2. Haha no that’s a pretty broad brush you’re painting all of Nor Cal with, based on something your “friend” said.

      2. The nice parts of Southern CA are going to be way, way more expensive than most of Florida. Plus add in sky high state income taxes, and it will be quite a shock to the system coming from Florida.

        1. As for other suggestions, we have friends who relocated to the Lake Norman area of NC and love it. Not sure what the PI laws are like there though.

        2. +1 I commented on the thread above, but anywhere in CA you’d want to live is going to be a huge lifestyle hit coming from FL, unless you’re VERY wealthy (like $500k+ HHI wealthy).

      3. Putting aside the COL issue, wouldn’t he have to retake the bar? I would be limiting myself to states where I could waive in

        1. Taking CA as an experienced attorney is not so bad–you only have to do one day of essays and MPT, no multiple choice. I did it last year, it was not fun, but it was nowhere near as bad as taking the first bars I took (back to back MA/NY in three days). I passed CA!

    2. Katy (outside of Houston) is where a lot of my friends with kids relocate to. That or Cary (outside of Raleigh) NC.

          1. The legislative cap on punitive damages has drastically reduced recoveries in Texas personal injury cases. As has the imposition of comparative fault.

    3. The legislature has been threatening tort reform every session for YEARS now (Tallahassean for 20+ years) and then it dies in committee. It’s not something that will advance DeSantis’ presidential ambitions or chances, so is unlikely to see much, if any action again this year.

      1. Interesting. I’m not a lawyer, but DH and his FJA friends seem to believe the sky is falling. Do you think it will die completely or a very trimmed down bill will pass?

        1. Different Anon but I’m not so sure. I can see them watering down parts but there’s bills in Senate and House that are close to matching and I am seeing momentum. Momentum started with the December special session. So I think something will pass on this. Will it all hold up in court? That I don’t know but the courts are now much friendlier to this governor and legislature. I still would consider staying and pivoting myself.

          1. I feel like the trial balloon editorials are just coming out in the pay-to-play blogs/”news” sources and they’re feeling out how well it plays.

    4. I have a friend who lives in the Charleston, SC area and it seems to have what you describe, mostly.

      1. Whereever the Murdaughs are from in SC did alright for PI lawyers who weren’t also giant fraudy murderers.

    5. I think what you’re looking for is at odds — a reliably blue state with year-round warm weather that’s relatively affordable. You can get two of those three but not all three. The blue state seems most important to your husband so decide what’s more important to you — sun or COL.

      1. Where did she say blue state? I think lots of red states are friendly to personal injury lawyers.

        1. Which ones? Being friendly to consumers suing companies for $$$ is usually a blue state thing.

          2. This is my understanding as a former ny PI attorney. Conservative leaning juries also tended to be stingy in my experience. Op I’m wondering if your husband could reach out to the trial lawyers association in the places you’re interested in? at least in NY they were incredibly friendly and very happy to talk about what the institutional and legal challenges were in their practices.

      2. Georgia? Not a “blue state” like New York is a blue state, but way bluer than Florida. Similar climate and affordable cost of living.

    6. Mississippi. I’m not even joking. Very friendly to PI lawyers, really low cost of living, lots of sunshine. You could live on the Gulf Coast, or in the Jackson suburbs on the reservoir. Private schools or send them to Madison public schools, which are great.

    7. Alabama is very friendly to Plaintiff’s lawyers. No tort reform. (The BMW v. Gore case came from AL.) Public schools are excellent in Birmingham and Huntsville. Lots of lakes/outdoor areas nearby.

    10. Colorado?

      Definitely no state that refused to expand Medicaid. That is a clear marker for all kinds of no.

  10. Reposting from yesterday’s afternoon thread.

    Has anyone tried Pair Eyewear? I keep seeing the ads and as someone who wears glasses since 4 yrs old, interchangeable toppers including sunglasses seem like a dream come true!

    My high correction would require some special attention by the person assembling the lenses, so I’m wondering whether I should just buy a frame online plus topper and have my optician put in the lenses…

    1. Isn’t it the manufacturing of the lenses that requires expertise? Installing them seems menial. Fitting the frames to your face and adjusting them might be worth a trip to your optometrist, though.

    2. What is your prescription? If it’s one that they’ve gotten wrong before it may be worth having the lenses done on your own. If it’s a highish but not very high number I’d risk it.

      1. -9dpt and -7dpt, so even with the thinnest high-index lenses, the edge of the lenses gets thick. The issue with mounting them in the frame is that the lense can’t be centered horizontally (front/back) in most frames, as the lense edge would be visible from the front. Not a great look.

        In technical speak, the bevel needs to be customized and where the lense sits in the frame requires some adjustments. Many chain opticians sending lenses to outside labs for mounting have gotten my glasses wrong, while my current optician is doing it himself in-house, and got it right on the first try.

    3. I have a relatively minor correction and use pair – they are very much like warby parker quality if you need a comparison, but I can’t speak to your high corrective need.

      They are cheap enough to try but it is very easy to misplace my sunglasses topper! I would 7/10 recommend it, I can kind of see a little reflection with the sunglass topper, but the price point made it a go for me.

  11. To any readers who identify as both politically left and Christian: are there any news sources you find helpful that come from this combined perspective? Thanks.

    1. The New York Times. I’m Christian and literate. I don’t need my News sprinkled with mentions of Jesus. I also like PBS, NPR, the BBC, and the financial times.

      1. NYT is really hard to tolerate from a standpoint of Christian values for me. It seems like they’re always trying to stir up animosity against the marginalized, and they seem to be okay with dishonest coverage of politicized topics. I feel like they’re only politically left insofar as the “center” has kept moving right.

        1. This is where I’ve been increasingly landing as well. And no, I’m not talking about wanting more “performative woke-ism.”

          Some kind of interfaith news service would absolutely work too, if someone can recommend that.

          1. Some Christians like stirring up animosity against tr*ns people and that is nothing new, but it’s not something I want to support.

        3. I cancelled my NYT subscription because of their dishonest and scaremongering coverage of tr ans issues. My interpretation of my faith includes love for all people especially those of marginalised identities.

          1. I think what you’re referring to is not news coverage but actually feminist op-eds by one particular columnist.

          2. I can’t speak for Ribena, but right now there’s a controversy within the NYT and among contributing writers about actual news coverage. The main focus was a feature article on trans kids’ health care, by Emily Bazelon.

          4. Correct, I don’t live in the US, but their online subscription is cheaper than any of the U.K. papers and their climate coverage (my field) is generally outstanding. It’s also interesting to see what a non U.K. news outlet makes of our governmental shenanigans.

            And yes as Monday says it’s not just the op eds (but certainly publishing that Pamela Paul JKR defence on that day was a choice).

    2. So I’m politically to the left and Jewish and my fav news sources are NYT, the Atlantic and CNN. Why can’t you be religiously affiliated and read secular news sources? Lots of devoutly religious people are politically to the left. See, e.g., civil rights leaders. My high school friend is a Presbyterian minister and very much to the left.

    3. I’m Episcopalian and am on the left and I just read normal news sources: Washington Post, The Economist, NPR, my local paper.

    4. I read the NYT through a reformed Christian lens—I don’t agree with everything they write and I don’t think they are unbiased, but I do think it is the best writing and reporting out there.

    6. Odd for people to assume that I don’t follow secular news sources. I consume tons of news, and all of it is secular at this time. I was interested in finding out any *additional* sources!

      Liza, to answer your question, here’s an example: there was a long article in the Washington Post about a Google engineer (sometime last year) who was also an ordained minister, I don’t remember the denomination. He raised concerns about an AI tool he had built, and said he was speaking as a minister and not as an engineer. I would have been interested to hear more about what his spiritual concerns were about this AI tool, but that veered into content that was more religious than anything the WaPo might delve into. So I’d be interested in a news source that would include those questions in interviewing him. I’m not saying I’d agree with everything he said or that he’s more credible than anyone else, but I’d like to hear more about his perspective as a minister. Does that make sense?

      1. Relevant Magazine has articles on culture and current events. I find it to be an interesting read, in addition to my normal news sources.

      2. Odd that you’d not just then say specifically that you’re looking for religious news but aren’t conservative.

        1. I could have put it that way, yes. I forget that publicly, Christian and conservative are considered the same unless otherwise specified. It’s fair for a lot of people to see it that way, though it isn’t the case.

          1. I mean I’m literally Christian and I read these sources and that’s what we all said. If what you want is news about religious matters specifically with a liberal perspective that’s a different ask and you’re looking for offense.

          2. I’m mystified by how I am looking for offense. Again, with everyone anonymous, I have no idea who this is or what other comments you’ve posted. But the fact is that I posted a question that apparently was coherent to many other readers, and you have a problem with every way I have tried to word and re-word it.

        2. I’m not sure why Monday is getting piled on. I’m secular Jewish and know very little about organized religion, but I interpreted her post this way, i.e., wanting Christian news from a liberal perspective.

          1. Because this community equates Christianity with the Southern Baptist Convention.

          2. Because she’s being weirdly hostile to commenters who just tried to answer her question aw written.

          3. Because losing Diana Barry and Dr. The Original was not enough to convince some Anons to stop being hateful to people who use consistent handles and are reasonable and valuable contributors.

      3. I like Jack Jenkins who writes for Religion News Service, he is particularly interested in covering the Christian left.

      4. I would also love to read that perspective but it just doesn’t exist. The NYT has a column by Tish Harrison Warren, but she is an extremely conservative Episcopal priest who has been involved with InterVarsity and is very supportive of authoritarian church structures and the evangelical perspective. I think giving her this platform makes ordinary Christians look bad, but I’m pretty sure that she was deliberately chosen to stir up controversy because that is what drives readership. Christianity Today is a pretty big publication but it’s quite conservative. There just isn’t anything out there that covers issues from a normal mainline “love all people” Christian perspective (which most would call socially liberal). Kate Bowler is pretty liberal but her podcast is more about self-help than about issues in the larger world. It’s a huge void that needs to be filled.

        1. Thanks, this is where I’m coming from.

          If you’re looking too, I could recommend the Homebrewed Christianity podcast. It’s not news coverage (hence my question), but it does often include discussion of public affairs from a left Christian view. It’s heavy on theology, which isn’t for everyone.

        3. I know this will sound like splitting hairs but Rev Tish is an Anglican – which in the US is distinct from Episcopalian. In particular, US Anglicans are anti LGBT.

    7. I like BBC, NPR, sometimes NY Times. CNN tv but not website. Sometimes Der Spiegel in English.

    8. I would say the The Economist is politically left but has, at times, conservative social values.

      1. My social values are the opposite of conservative, though–that’s the issue. I’m a radical leftist Christian, and I’m not alone. But there may not be enough of an audience for specific news sources.

        1. Do you follow the Sarcastic Lutheran on social media? I feel like she might offer some suggestions you’d enjoy.

          1. I just looked this up and see that it’s Nadia Bolz-Weber, whose writing I have read in the past. Thanks!

    9. I would recommend Religion Dispatches! (I’m a religion professor with left wing politics)

    10. The Holy Post podcast is great. Covers news and culture from a progressive Evangelical perspective, and is very, very funny (the guy who created Veggie Tales is one of the hosts).

    11. I don’t know the answer to your question but I would look for substack newsletters, seems like something that should be out there somewhere.

    12. Not Christian per se, but I feel like The New Yorker manages to tackle complex issues in a thoughtful, careful way that I appreciate when I’d like to learn more about some issue. I’m an Episcopalian who is left for America in general but conservative for my bluer-than-thou little city (because I don’t think teaching calculus is racist). Also, weirdly enough, Vanity Fair (not the celebrity stuff which I love but the longform crime/business stores).

    14. I don’t comment here much these days but wanted to chime in in solidarity as a politically liberal Christian! Relevant Magazine and their online content *sometimes* fits the bill! I also just try to diversify the content I absorb…I listen to and read a couple of more traditional Christian podcast/outlets as well as “secular” content that leans to the left, etc.

    15. Check out America Magazine (.org). It’s a Catholic (Jesuit) publication that leans left. Scroll past the various articles on church politics/operations for the thoughtful essays on current events. I’m Episcopalian and went to a Jesuit school. Relatedly, Jesuit priest James Martin is a published author and very political on social media and is often discussing political events (I think to the point that he’s gotten in trouble?).

      1. Thanks! And yes, most of my favorite Christian commentators have a history of “trouble” with church authorities in some way.

    16. I used to read Sojourners Magazine. It’s from a progressive evangelical perspective and so didn’t match perfectly for me coming out of a mainline tradition. https://sojo.net/

  12. Okay, a few months ago, somebody asked ‘why do runners run in the road when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk’.

    Every time I’ve run this winter, I’ve thought Of this: ICE. If there’s ice and snow, the roads will usually be well cleared but the sidewalks are hit or miss. I prefer to run on sidewalks or dedicated paths; however, it’s happened a few times where the sidewalk is not well cleared and I have to hop over to some low traffic residential roads.

    1. That and sidewalks (at least city sidewalks) are a minefield. They change textures all the time depending on who has bricks vs. cement. The pavers shift and crack so you’re constantly scanning to make sure you won’t trip. Sometimes there’s a ramp, sometimes not, at the corners (and if there is one, it may be the cheap plastic Shovel Ready kind that has a hole in it from the ground washing away underneath and the plastic piece being too flimsy to support the pressure of people stepping on it.) There are tree wells and trash cans and people’s random bike or vespa parking and plant pots and stairs that protrude more or less into the walkway, and of course you’re also dodging other people and their pets, which on sidewalks that are sometimes essentially one or 1.5 people wide is easier said than done.

      Quiet side streets are 1000% easier!

    2. Even in my newer neighborhood, sidewalks aren’t totally even due to settling, tree roots, etc. Tripping is a real concern.

      1. There’s a smallish public trail system near my house and somebody (I don’t even know whether it’s people actually responsible for the trail system or the local teens who graffiti the rest of the available surfaces over there) sprays the big cracks, uneven steps up, tree root lumps, etc. with red spray paint.

          1. In my city, it’s the HS cross country coaches on trails and the city if it’s sidewalk cracks.

    3. I live in a city and it’d partially due to uneven sidewalks and trip hazards and partially because many other people are also using the sidewalk: walkers, strollers, dogs, kids dawdling / on bikes / on scooters, construction blocking the sidewalk. I try to not run in the street but it’s unavoidable downtown

    4. Ok but can y’all at least run without headphones and wear lights and reflective colors? I’d rather not kill a pedestrian because they lurch into the road from the curb wearing all black at dusk.

      2. I run on the road, facing traffic. I wear bright clothing (well tops at least; my shorts are all black or navy), Noxgear, and carry a flashlight. If the shoulder is narrow, I stop when a line of cars are passing.

        1. I have the Noxgear with the lamp on front and I feel that it is very life-helping if not life-saving. I have a dog and often need to get off the sidewalk when there is a person with a barky pulling dog coming in our direction and often that means heading briefly into the street (facing traffic). Ugh. I prefer not to do that, but also don’t want drama, either.

        3. Same – and when I walk at night with a stroller it’s got reflective straps AND flashing Christmas lights I got on sale.

          I enjoy being 3d as well.

      3. +1. If I walk or jog in the road, it’s always far enough to the side and on quiet enough streets that a car can easily drive past me without squishing me dead. Bc I don’t want that either.

        1. Look, I drive below the speed limit in my neighborhood and people who walk after dark in dark clothing still stress me out. We have good, well lit sidewalks. I am not expecting people in the road and they are hard to see. If it’s the middle of the day, that’s one thing, but Noxgear vests are amazing and not that expensive and if you’re going to run in the road at night, I highly recommend one for everyone’s safety.

        2. Piloting heavy equipment where the heavy equipment is supposed to be, though.
          If you are going to run on the road it is your responsibility to make sure you are easily seen by the people who are piloting that heavy equipment.

        3. I am both a runner and a driver but I will run in places that don’t inconvenience drivers. Drivers can only use the road and runners can go wherever they want so maybe be mindful of drivers and move over to the side, don’t drive on roads with curves, etc. Use common sense!!!!

      5. I always run with a light up reflective vest if I’m out during dawn, dusk, or dark and my headphones are low enough volume that I can hear hazards. But, IME there’s two types of roads ( in my area at least): neighborhood / city roads where the speed limit is 25 but effectively everyone drives more slowly and is on the lookout for kids / runners or larger roads with a decent shoulder that folks use.

        If you’re in any sort of residential setting, drivers absolutely need to slow down and be alert.

    5. I feel like I really need to up my hair and makeup game. I joke that I’m vain but low maintenance so I want to look good without spending too much time, energy or money. I’m somewhat into fashion but never really learned much about hair or makeup but would like to start.

      Hair routine is basic, I mostly just straighten it or wear it as is (a little wavy). Makeup is foundation, top lid eyeliner, mascara, sometimes blush. I’m late 20s and have been wearing this look for almost a decade so it’s time to change it up. My makeup and hair should be young this are minimal.

        1. Ha, I love this nesting fail, as I started reading I was thinking “Whoah, does she think if her hair/makeup was better cars would be less likely to hit her?!”

          1. I have a neon scrunchie with reflective tape sewn into it from Lululemon, and when I am on my bike I intentionally do a long braid in my hair with a scrunchie on the end to look more feminine and vulnerable, so… maybe?

    6. Yeah I remember being a 20-something bike user silently raging at moms in strollers using the bike paths when there is a perfectly nice sidewalk/pedestrian path. As a mom with a stroller (in icy Canada), I get it now.

    7. I think it comes down to “there isn’t a perfectly good sidewalk.” Quick way to tell just how little a community cares about people using wheelchairs.

      2. I walk in the road with our stroller because all the signposts in our neighborhood are in the middle of the sidewalk with no space to get around. Also because the driveway cutouts are steep and I hate fighting the slope every 100 ft to avoid the 1-2 cars I see on a 30 minute walk.

    8. +1, even as a recreational walker I often walk in the street. Reasons include:

      – I just went around someone slower-moving on the sidewalk, and I’m waiting for a driveway or curb cut to get back on the sidewalk rather than walking in grass or mud
      – I am giving wide berth to someone walking their dog
      – There is no sidewalk or it’s closed for construction
      – I’m about to cross the street or make a turn once this car goes past – yes I see you, go ahead and pass me, I’m not going to just throw my body in front of your vehicle
      – There is a sidewalk but it ends in 50 yards so I’m getting in the street to avoid being on a sidewalk dead-end

      1. Adding: concrete is a LOT harder on the joints than asphalt.

        In the land of short driveways and no basements, people stuff their garages and park their cars in their driveways… which overhang onto the sidewalk.

        1. Yes! This! If you’ve run or even walked outside for more than a block, you can feel the difference. Asphalt is much easier on feet and joints.

  13. Recs for a lightweight robe? Wanting something I can put on after I shower while I do my hair and makeup, but not something heavy. Midi length would be a plus.

    1. It’s nothing fancy, but I have a super soft waffle robe from the Croft and Barrow line at Kohl’s, bought last summer. It’s just the right weight for what you describe.

    2. Lake Pajamas. Their cotton has held up beautifully through 3 years of washing and tumble drying (I did buy the larger of my two sizes to accommodate shrinkage). Thick enough to feel substantial but breathable and comfortable.

    3. I have a cheapie waffle robe I picked up for like $15 on ebay which does the trick for me.

    5. I really love my robe from Monica and Andy. It’s marketed as a pregnancy/new mom robe but really it’s just very stretchy. It’s midi length, thin and soft, and really great.

    7. I love my Parachute waffle robe! More of a splurge than some of the other recs here, but it’s my favorite post-bath thing in the summer.

  14. I feel like I really need to up my hair and makeup game. I joke that I’m vain but low maintenance so I want to look good without spending too much time, energy or money. I’m somewhat into fashion but never really learned much about hair or makeup but would like to start.

    Hair routine is basic, I mostly just straighten it or wear it as is (a little wavy). Makeup is foundation, top lid eyeliner, mascara, sometimes blush. I’m late 20s and have been wearing this look for almost a decade so it’s time to change it up. My makeup and hair should beyond this are minimal.

    2. Try a lip gloss/balm. Dior addict balm in 001 pink is a good entry level balm/gloss for someone who doesn’t use lipstick regularly. It will elevate your look and won’t be such a drastic change that you feel uncomfortable.

      2. +1. Lip color is the biggest bang for your buck in terms of looking “done.”

    3. I’m a similar age and have just chucked out all my makeup that I owned before the world 2020 and started afresh. My routine is tinted moisturiser (sometimes foundation), brightening concealer, eyeliner, mascara, blush, and lip balm.
      I aim for ‘tidy’ for my hair – but spend all day taking it down for video calls (purely because with it up I don’t like how I look on video) then tying it up into a knot to concentrate to work in between.

      1. We are hair twins. I’m convinced I just look like a thumb on zoom with my hair pulled up or back. Somehow I have convinced myself this is not true in real life.

    4. Lots of tutorials on YouTube – check out Emily Noel or Taylor Margaret (formerly Drugstore Maven)

    5. I would add cream brush (applied on cheekbones more towards your hairline) a light cream highlighter, and an eyebrow gel tint. Look at Saie, Ilia, and Merit.

    6. Swap the foundation for a tinted moisturizer. Dust with setting powder if needed.

      I’ve been using an eyeshadow primer but no eyeshadow. It’s neutral, a touch brighter than my lids, and it stays put and not creased in a way eyeshadow doesn’t.

      I second the eyebrow gel, even a clear one makes a difference.

      Idk what to say about hair. I’ve been wanting to do something different too. Hoping for some ideas!

  15. Whoever it was who posted a ways back about the book with the mysterious cheese deliveries, and the other commenters who chimed in recommending Deacon King Kong: thank you so much! I just finished it and it was incredible. I never would have picked it up if not for you all.

    3. Seconding this! I picked it up because of that post too and have less than 50 pages left and I have loved it so far!

    4. For people who liked this, I also really liked The Good Lord Bird by the same author. It was adapted into a great miniseries a few years ago, I think on Showtime?

    5. I was a person who chimed in about how great the book is. I’m so so happy to see several folks read it and love it as much as I did!

      I’m going to check out the other one by the same author mentioned above as well. Thanks!

    6. I just finished it as well! I very much enjoyed it, but was sort of at a loss to describe what I was reading to my girlfriends. “It’s about a church, and a mobster, and free cheese”

      1. Ha, that was about my summary to my husband (I just added the word “booze”). He was like o.O …

  16. Lost my engagement ring yesterday. I took it off at the gym and pretty positive I put it on my key ring carabiner (as usual) in my locker. I didn’t check until this morning, but it’s no longer on my key ring carabiner. I called the gym, and no one reported it to Lost & Found. I have insurance coverage but sort of at a loss and frustrated. I guess I’m looking for well wishes and positive thoughts, as well as any savvy advice for where else to search. (Not in my jacket pocket, where the keys were, either).

    1. Go in person to look at the gym. My husband lost his wedding ring while on vacation, somewhere between the rental car and the restaurant we picked up takeout from. The next day we went into the corner store next to the restaurant, asking to see if anyone had it, and saw it on a hook behind the counter! The owner found it while sweeping the sidewalk. It seemed impossible that we’d find it but it came back. There is hope!

    2. I’d go back and check the exact locker you used. Might have slipped off the carabiner but be in the locker and if no one else has used that locker, wouldn’t have been found to be turned into lost and found yet.

      Also check your car and near your front door. Basically anywhere you use your keys, sometimes my carabiner keychain comes loose and something slips out.

    3. Gretchen Rubin says that when you lose something, search really really thoroughly where you expect it to be – sometimes we can get into such a panic that we do a cursory search of where an item should be, but when it’s not immediately visible we move on.

      1. This, plus say the Prayer of St. Anthony first. I am not Catholic but I find it eerily effective.

      2. I’m sure this will out my if my actual friends read here, but I lost my engagement ring and found it more than two years later … in my jewelry box. Where it had been the entire time. Just in a slightly different section than usual. Definitely search the basic areas and have someone else help you too.

    4. Oh, how frustrating! Go look again, as other suggested… and if it really is gone, give yourself permission to grieve (may sound silly, but if you are like me and love your jewelry passionately – especially something sentimental like an engagement ring – I say, don’t feel silly.) I adore all my jewelry and have been heartbroken over the loss of a couple pieces. I make the best of it by hoping someone else found and loves them, and console myself by shopping for something new.

    5. Definitely return to the gym, look in the locker. If you are up for it, ask to check the vacuum bag – it’s possible it slipped under a bench and no one noticed it. Look in your car (if you have one) to make sure it didn’t fall out.
      It never hurts to ask St. Anthony. Good luck!

    6. +1 to St. Anthony. Severely lapsed Catholic here and darn if it doesn’t work.
      And chin up. We had a friend lose her engagement ring in the foam pit at one of those trampoline places. They went back the next day, went through the entire, massive pit, and found it! (Yes the foam pit was gross). I hope you find yours too!

      1. +1 and chin up either way.

        I wear my grandmother’s 2ct oval diamond, which was only bought after she lost the original (insured) engagement ring. I thank goodness she lost the first one all the time.

      2. My daughter was a gymnast. At practice her group once found a snakeskin in the pit. They never did find the original owner.

  17. Does anyone here get regular lash lifts? i want to try it but i’m worried about long term damage (or even short term injury). i am having trouble finding reliable info online. would love to hear any thoughts! also any recs for a good salon in the beacon hill area in Boston.

    i like how i look with mascara but i’m too lazy to deal with putting it on and removing it every day. thank you!

    1. I have had both lash lifts (with lash tint applied) and just lash tint. Honestly, I don’t see a difference with the lift, and it’s more time and more money. The lash tint gives me the look of wearing mascara and lasts about a month.

    2. I did it once and never again, the process was exhaustingly long (they basically perm your eyelashes and tint them sometimes). For that kind of time and money, I prefer lash extensions. Those are still too much time for me, but way more bang for the buck. I do them around the holidays and they last a couple of months for me.

    3. I got them for maybe 6 months and really liked it. I have stick straight lashes and it made a difference. On maybe the 4th time I went, I had a reaction to the solution on my undereye area and I haven’t been back. It’s both wonderful and a really sensitive area of your body to mess around with.

    4. I do twice a year since 4 years ago. One for my birthday and the other for one of my long trips when I do not want to carry any make up. Your eyes look more open and in general fresh (like when you curve your eyelashes) and I always tinted them too. It last around two months and you do not need any maintenance at all but they recomend to comb them in the morning.
      No problem at all.

  18. I’ve outsourced biweekly house cleaning for a few years but I am considering stopping. Mostly because I’m not sure if they are actually improving my quality of life. I’m kind of a clean up as you go type of person so our house is never too gross (cluttered, yes, but I have two small children).

    I am wondering for those of you who had cleaners and stopped, was there a noticeable difference? Like what’s the difference between having a robot vacuum/mop run every few days vs a cleaner coming once every two weeks? Is it better to switch to quarterly deep cleans?

    1. If you have a good cleaner, this will be gross and a lot of work. Ours does baseboards, washes floors, cleans the ovens, dusts all the hard to reach places. Takes 3-4 hours that I have zero desire to spend myself. We are very neat, clean, straighten up all the time types and I would absolutely miss a regular cleaner.

    2. the main benefit is never having the kitchen or bathrooms get so bad between cleanings that I need to be scrubbing my own sinks, tubs, and toilets. Also real mopping of the hardwoods does much better than quick vacuuming. I also HATE dusting which I would definitely have to do if we switched to a quarterly deep clean type of thing.

      1. +1

        All of this.

        OP – try doing once a month for a few months. Then see where you are. You may reconsider.

        With 2 kids it will be much worse than you think if you stop completely.

        Or you wont care. That’s how my brother’s family lives. They…. never clean. They are a lot more wealthy than me, but it is not a priority and their cleanliness threshold is different than mine. They enjoy their lives. They wipe off obvious spills/dirt, and don’t leave huge amounts of clutter around. But you should see the kitchens and bathrooms… and the years of dust. I hate going to (staying at….) their house.

    3. I also am a clean-as-you-go person who is very tidy and very clean. But having a person clean my house once or twice a month makes my life easier and enables me not to really clean. When the woman who has worked with our family for over a decade could not come to our house for two months, I noticed all surfaces like bookshelves and baseboards were dusty, windows were not clean, bathroom floors were not clean, etc. I hire her to do the real cleaning and I do the maintence in between visits. If you can afford to keep someone coming, I would do that. Alternatively, stop having someone come for three months and re-assess after that.

    4. More power to you if you can’t tell the difference! I feel like I spend a ton of time tidying and clean up everyday messes but someone absolutely needs to scrub the showers and the sinks really get those counters and floors sparking. Thinking about upgrading to once a week actually.

    5. I gave up on cleaners. I keep a very tidy house and in our city they won’t do any of the things I actually want; walls, baseboards etc. and when they do bathrooms it’s less clean than if I did it. And it’s very expensive so not worth it to me. I have a schedule I post on the wall in the Butler’s Pantry and tackle it all in 15 minute increments.

    6. I would try spacing out the cleanings a bit more before stopping completely. Maybe once a month instead of biweekly? I canceled our cleanings and then begged them to come back, which they did, but at a higher rate. Once a month is about right for us.

    7. I stopped. I do notice little things, like some of my vertical surfaces actually get dusty (who knew) so they must have been dusting the walls and sides of furniture before, but mostly it’s keeping on top of the bathrooms and the kitchen, and we’ve been fine with it.

      We used to call the night before the cleaning people came “screaming night” as we yelled at the kids and each other to put things away in advance of their visit. I don’t miss that at all.

  19. Two or three kids? Early-mid 30s. I have two (boy 5 and girl 2). I hate the baby stage with a passion but tolerate the toddler/little kiddo stage. I have a big career (biglaw partner) and my husband has a 9-6. Zero local family – in fact my family is in a different country and his on the other coast.
    We manage fine while paying an insane amount on childcare (which we can afford). I am thinking about a third. Husband is okay either way. The main motivation is that I am an only child and really want to have a big family when I grow old. But that seems a silly reason given they may not have kids and we may be estranged (like how I am with my family). I also worry I may stress our family past the breaking point if we do end up having a third. But I keep having this rosy fantasy of a big thanksgiving table 25 years in the future and have this feeling that our family is not exactly complete…
    Any thoughts/feedback?

    1. Everyone I know with a third has confessed regret to me about that choice. It drives good marriages to the brink. Massive extra financial stress. In looking ahead, it’s probably likely your two will partner up, becoming four, they may have kids too and suddenly you’ve got more people coming for thanksgiving than you have room to host.

      1. +1 to all this. I’ll also add that everyone I know who had an additional kid (even a second) just because they wanted more adult children is really struggling now. You should have an additional kid because you want to raise it, not because of some hope for the distant future that may or may not happen. And yes as noted, adult kids can easily become two kids, two spouses-in-law and four grandkids so it’s not like you’re going to be alone in your old age.

      2. Yeah – speaking as a 2 kid family, 3rd kid seems to really add a lot of burden to a family and change the lifestyle – e.g., diapers for ~8 years total for you, needing to get a bigger car for carpooling if you ever want to take a friend along to an event, having kids at multiple schools on different schedules (daycare/elementary but later elementary/middle/high school). if you’re not missing that third kid but just like the idea of it, I’d pass.

      3. Interesting, most of my friends have three and have been happy with that choice. We have three and are going for a fourth, although I have pretty severe fertility issues so not clear if we’ll get there.

      4. my bestie has a third and she said it’s been the best thing for her family. she is a doctor, her husband has a 9-5. she has local family, but they don’t really help her. She is one of four, though the fourth was definitely not planned as her parents admit. Kids are currently 7, 5 and 1. i have twins which is more than enough for me :-). My other bestie always wanted a third, but for various life reasons has not and will not end up having one

        1. If you have to have a third, I think waiting until the first two are old enough to be fairly independent and in school all day is smart.

      5. +1. My best friend and her husband did not have a third after his brother confessed frank regret about having his third child. He and his wife of course love the child but apparently going from 2 to 3 is a major change in every possible way. The financial stress is considerable even for people with relatively high incomes. In your situation, with a big job, a partner who has their own job, the two kids you already have – I would not have a third. I know my own limits and I know when I need to pull myself back from an emotionally-motivated bad idea.

        FWIW. I grew up with a family where they’d had four kids and talked about how they envisioned big family gatherings at the family home as the kids got older and had their own families. One of the kids was killed in an accident when he was 21. The oldest child married a woman his mother did not like/get along with and moved to Germany and they almost never come back to the States. The youngest child has become estranged from the family (for reasons we’re still not clear about) and has not spoken to his parents in years; he is married but never had any children. The remaining child has two kids, but works for Wal-Mart corporate and keeps getting moved around every few years and so sometimes is able to come home for holidays, and sometimes not. So much for best-laid plans. They spend most holidays eating with people from their church. Having more children is no guarantee they will be close or they will remain close to you as they get older.

        1. From the facts you listed, I can give you a very good guess as to why that estrangement happened.

          2. Hmm. I never verbalized this, but my strategy for a full family table has always been “maintain close relationships with my loved ones” not “keep popping out kids.”

          3. Yes, we have an idea, but the person has never explicitly said, and there were actually a few things that happened in a short timeframe that could have lead to the estrangement. And possibly there are also some things we have no idea about.

          5. Anon at 3:13: it’s kind of sad, and I try not to judge because I have no idea how I would react if my child, God forbid, was killed in a car accident. But after my friend M was killed, his mom went into complicated, prolonged, protracted grief and at one point had to be hospitalized inpatient for depression, for over a year. After she got out, she was better, but the grieving went on for years and in some ways, is still going on as it’s been 20+ years since the accident, and M’s mom will neither consider selling their house (which is now way too big for two older people, and falling into disrepair because they can’t keep it up) nor allow anyone to clean out his things – his room looks exactly as it did in 1999, like any minute, he could walk through the door. She keeps it dusted/vacuumed and won’t allow anyone else to clean it.

            Even though we hadn’t seen a lot of overt favoritism toward M when all the kids were around, it was like after M died, he became this saintly figure; the golden child who could do no wrong and was cut down in the prime of his life before he had a chance to fulfill all his potential. The accident hit the community hard and they had multiple public memorials; there’s a scholarship at the university M didn’t get to graduate from in his name; there was talk about naming a park after him, etc. (M was an awesome guy, well-known in the community, Eagle Scout, community volunteer, etc.) I know the younger son, J, took it hard, and said to some of our friends that it was like in his mom’s eyes, he didn’t exist any more. Everything was about M and how great M had been and what a tragedy it was that M was gone. I think J got some distinctive feelings that it should have been him who died, and not M.

            Then there was the situation with their oldest brother’s wife and the mom not being willing to build bridges even after M died. I know J felt like – we only have three of four siblings remaining; it would be good if we could at least get together and get along, despite our differences. Which didn’t happen.

            While no family is perfect and this family certainly wasn’t perfect, it was a healthy, functional family when I was growing up going to their house, playing with their kids, etc. The tragedy of losing M just tore the family completely apart, which was very sad to witness. I have seen M’s parents several times over the years and every time, M’s mom just wants to talk about M and not what any of the other children are doing – or, they get a brief mention and then she goes back to telling stories about M. She can’t seem to move forward from that point of his death, and none of us know what to do to help her.

          6. Ah yea that makes sense. I know losing a child is very hard on a family. Statistically most marriages don’t survive it. I thought you were inferring something about the youngest child specifically and I was confused.

        2. This is still not explained by your post: “They spend most holidays eating with people from their church.” Are the parents not able to travel to spend holidays with Walmart corporate employee? I have negative amounts of sympathy for grandparents who refuse to travel to be with their family on holidays but instead sit at their own home and wallow in self-pity that no one is “coming home.” Newsflash: your children have a new “home” now.

          1. I posted an explanation above with more information about the family situation. There are complex factors at play.

      6. Really? We were on the fence about 3 and had the 3rd and she’s the typical 3rd child and lights up our life. We call her the bow on the family.

        My oldest daughter’s BFF is the longly-debated third in their family and she is just an absolute wonderful 10 year old. Flexible, kind, mature beyond her years, great sense of humor.

        I’m one of 3 and I’m glad I have two siblings. They both have their faults (as do I) but between the 3 of us we manage to stay close-ish despite living many states apart.

    2. From friends that have had a 3rd. Going from man-on-man to zone defense is a lot – all of a sudden even if you’re both home you can’t assume you can each be in charge of that kid’s evening activities, you have to coordinate with other families or drivers. In other words way more than a 50% increase in stress for the 50% increase in kid volume.

    3. Short answer: invite guests for your big Thanksgiving dinner. If either of you have any ambivalence about a third child, and it sounds like you both do, all of the work, exhaustion, stress and cost of a third is not the way to go.

      1. Yeah I’ve always thought the Thanksgiving table advice was BS. There are so many ways to make a large table for holidays that don’t involve having additional children. But I’m a very happy only child who had an only by choice, so clearly a different perspective than OP.

          1. And even if your family is happy, they may want to host Thanksgiving or celebrate with in laws.

          2. Ha, this. I am not close with my sibling. My parents who come from bigger families are constantly on the outs with one sibling or another (it seems to rotate and I refuse to keep up with drama from people who are decades older than me and refuse to sort out their ish).

          3. I will say that each additional child probably increases the odds you’ll have someone with you on Thanksgiving. I’m an only and I felt really guilty about my parents being alone during the years we alternated Thanksgiving with my parents and in-laws (now we host). My husband and his sister aren’t particularly close, so they alternated years and his parents always had someone visiting.

          4. My dad has five siblings, one of whom married into the Jehovah’s Witnesses and never came to big family Thanksgivings again!

          5. I posted above since I have 3 kids and am one of 3. We do still have family thanksgivings, but they are not the big giant ones you see on TV. I’m the only one of my siblings that has- and that will ever have- kids. My parents are divorced. DH is an only child. For Thanksgiving we often go see his parents where it’s the 5 of us plus his 2 parents. Or we’ll host and it will be ~2 other adults.

            We do always extend invites to my local-ish cousins, and every once in a while they come which is fun.

      2. Or your kids will have romantic interests or stranded friends. Lots of fun ways to fill a table.

        1. My grandparents had 5 kids, not all of whom would come to family holidays, but the table was always full because my youngest aunt (who worked in a hospital) would invite any of her coworkers or friends who were not able to be with their families to my grandparents’ house (with my grandparents’ enthusiastic encouragement). The years we were at Thanksgiving or Christmas I met a lot of interesting people she had brought with her to the celebration, and also learned a lot about how other people celebrated holidays.

      3. This! Invite ppl without family nearby or at all.

        Only go for a third if you cannot imagine your life without one.

      4. This. The roster around the Thanksgiving table can be malleable and made up of so much more than children and grandchildren.

        1. Same for Christmas! My husband has a friend who is like a brother, and they came for a Christmas Eve playdate and ended up staying for dinner, along with my in-laws. It was so fun and festive (and so much better than the prior Christmas Eve in the hospital!!)

    4. I think 3 kids with one spouse full time in big law is very, very hard unless the other spouse does not work (or works part time).

    5. I’d say stick with 2.

      I feel you on the big holidays – mine went from 30 people to 8 people suddenly and it breaks my heart. But a few large family gatherings a year is not enough justification to put yourself through the stress of a third. Man to man is infinitely easier than zone. You can all fit in any size of car. You can all share 1 hotel room. Lord knows what college tuition will look like in 20 years, but 2 is easier than 3. You could use the savings from having 1 less kid to do so much: nicer house, a vacation house, more vacations, private school, earlier retirement, etc.

    6. This is blunt but I don’t mean to be harsh or dismissive.

      1. Families don’t just become estranged. Maybe some do, but it’s almost always due to some serious dysfunction. I say this as someone estranged from most of her family of origin – what it takes is pretty epic. If you are on the road to estrangement with your own kids, fix that instead of having another. If you aren’t, don’t put that on them.

      2. Your family isn’t a replacement for your family of origin. This one is personal for me – a lot of people act like my in laws and my kid “make up” for my own family of origin or my kid is a “fresh start.” My child is a child and should not bear the heavy adult burden of compensating for my dysfunctional and abusive childhood – full stop. And that will still be true when he’s older: he is valuable and loveable in his own right, not as a “fresh start” or whatnot.

      Likewise, whatever lead to the estrangement with your family of origin can’t be fixed by you having a big perfect family. You can have this because you want it, not to heal old wounds or fill a hole.

      3. I know a lot of wealthy, successful people with shattered personal lives because they didn’t leave well enough alone.

      4. That all said, you’re young enough to be able to wait months or even five years to make this decision. Despite everything I said above, in your position, I would wait a few years to see if DH could shift into a relatively solid/high paying part time role or a true 9-5 that is WFH.

      1. Agree with most of this, including that she doesn’t need to rush into the decision now, but it sounds like her Dh already has a “true 9-5.” WFH isn’t a big factor IMO. Without him downgrading into a SAHD role or working very part time (which is a big change from a full-time job, even an “easy” one) this would be really tough I think.

        1. By “true 9-5,” I meant something like a government job that doesn’t allow OT, or one that doesn’t have insane workloads around year end or whatnot.

          1. “Government job that does not allow overtime” would mean a non-exempt position. While it is possible, that is a statistically unlikely match for a Big Law lawyer.

      2. #2 – preach. No relationship is a replacement for another. They don’t cross streams.

    7. I have two kids and would have a third if I were younger, but I don’t think I could do it working more than 40 hours a week.

    8. so far you note you have at best, tolerated the stages your kids are at (hate babies, tolerate little kid (vom to “kiddo” as a word). You have no idea if you will grow to actually like parenting. I am absolutely baffled at you asking if you should have a third. baffled.

      Please do not bring another child into this world because you think you want a full thanksgiving table in 20 years. And people say childfree woman are selfish?!?!

      1. This is harsh but yeah. One thing to have additional kids knowing you don’t like the baby stage and need to power through a year or two to get to the good stuff. But to add a third when you don’t enjoy parenting a 5 year old is…. a choice. Fwiw, the easiest parenting years by far for me (and a lot of my friends) were 5-8. Tween and teen drama is every bit as hard, if not harder, than baby/toddler.

        1. I have one teenager. I cannot imagine having three in various stages of teenage evolution/drama living in the same house. It’s so hard just with one!

          1. I have one teen too and I’m literally hiding under a blanket thinking about 3 of them.

      2. Sorry when I said I tolerated that age, I meant 2-3.5 ish. I am happy with pareting my 5 year old and do love seeing him grow up and become his interests!

        1. understood, thanks for that clarification. that makes me feel a little better but still don’t see much in your post in the way of “we really love raising kids and want to add another!”

    9. I am a law firm partner in my late thirties and have three (7/4/1). I am not a baby person. I really like ages 3+. My husband has an 8-4 with occasional weekend shifts. Weighing in because, despite the craziness associated with three, I don’t regret it at all and am even considering a fourth.

      I don’t know you, and I can’t offer any individualized advice, but if I had to make the call: Don’t Do It. I absolutely would not do it just to have a big family when you’re older. Not worth it. Three is a tremendous emotional and personal strain for the reasons stated by others. Once you have that third child, there’s no going back. Ever. To the extent you’ve clawed your way into some semblance of sanity with two, you’ll fall right back down the mountain when the third arrives.

      If you don’t really enjoy the 2 and 5 year-old stages (no judgment), it’ll make this even harder. My “big kids” provide some respite from baby stress. Taking care of the big kids is seen as the easier childcare duty in my marriage. In short, I LOVE hanging out with the big kids, and having three is still REALLY hard.

      We pay a ton for childcare, including for work-related babysitting needs (e.g., if we’re both working on the occasional weekend). Three is a big “ask” for babysitters. In addition to likely needing to pay a little more, you’ll have a harder time finding someone. You’ll likely need to build in a bench of babysitters who can drive/pickup kids if needed.

      The “big family” vibe will come if you have kids who love visiting and see your house as a respite–and who aren’t facing pressures to visit their SO’s fun big family homes. I don’t know that having a third appreciably increases your odds of this. I’d (secretly) like a ton of grandchildren, but I recognize that my kids will make their own choices on that front. Also, and I mean this as a thought experiment, does your big thanksgiving table goal include visions of you (and your spouse) wrangling and changing diapers for babies and toddlers of varying ages? I recognize not all grandparents help with this stuff, but it seems like a good way to make your house the Favored Holiday Destination, assuming your kids have kids. If your kids do have kids, there’s also only a finite period in which you might have fun, devoted grown-up children visiting you and telling you about their cool lives without the distractions of their own kids.

      One last thought: You can start working on the big family vibe without having more kids by building close friendships with people of different ages and including them in your celebrations. This sounds cheesy, but having grad students without local families join me for holidays, etc. has been a surprisingly meaningful experience.

    10. I would not have a 3rd in your situation. My husband and I have to (age 8 and 11) with no local family, and you need to consider more than the finances as they get older. You will get much, much busier with sports, clubs, scouts, etc, and with no local family, you’ll be running yourself ragged to all the activities, or constantly trying to coordinate carpools and juggling schedules. Everyone I know that had a third has at least one kid that seems to be left out and doesn’t get to do activities, or one parent ended up quitting their job or scaling back to part time. Those are couples with local, involved grandparents. The ones with no local family seem to be overwhelmed and stressed all the time once the kids are elementary school aged.

      I suppose that people do power through, and it’s really only a few years in the course of your life, so if having more kids is a high priority for you, you’d figure it out.

      1. “My husband and I have to (age 8 and 11) with no local family, and you need to consider more than the finances as they get older. You will get much, much busier with sports, clubs, scouts, etc, and with no local family, you’ll be running yourself ragged to all the activities, or constantly trying to coordinate carpools and juggling schedules.”

        This is the rub, frankly. And it’s hard for people with littles to envision what it’s like when kids get older and have their own interests and social life. I have an only and we have actively tried not to overschedule him, or put him into a million things, but he’s an athletic, friendly kid and that means that until he could drive, we were driving him to lots of practices, games, tournaments, parties, sleepovers, playdates/hangouts, award ceremonies, camps, etc. It was a lot. My mom and dad lived in town when he was young, and they were invaluable help when he needed to be somewhere at 3:30 in the afternoon and I was out of town and my husband was working till 6 and could not leave. It’s hard for me to imagine all that X 3 with no family help. I am sure people make it work but – “making it work” is, in itself, work. That’s that “unseen labor” that gets so many of us worn down over time: being the person who does the arranging to make sure everything comes together, everyone is where they need to be at the right time, etc.

        1. I have 3 and the answer is we have a village. We also don’t do *as much* with each kid. But my kids all play 3-4 sports (usually one per season with a lot of overlap), do dance and various clubs. One takes piano lessons. For travel sports we carpool, always.

    11. I’ve always thought that three is a bad number of kids from a sibling dynamic perspective. It seems like it would always be two against one, someone being left out, etc. I actually know a couple people who ended up going for a fourth for this reason. So something to think about is how you’d feel about a fourth if you have a third and don’t like the dynamic you see. If four kids is a H3LL NO HARD PASS for you, then that would give me pause about a third.

      1. As one of three, I definitely didn’t find this to be the case, and suspect gender and personality matters more than number. My two younger brothers fought a lot, and I mostly did my own thing. They would have fought whether I was around or not (and did- it got even worse as they got older and I left for college). But overall, I actually like being one of three and having different relationships with different siblings. They get along fine now.

    12. Honestly, from your description you don’t seem to like having young kids. And the time demands just go up as they join teams and clubs. Then teens are tough. I am a kid person and it was tough. Do you really want to extend that even more with a third?

    13. So, in my opinion 3 definitely pushes you into “big family” category compared to 2. Exponentially more chaos. Harder to get childcare, needing to upsize everything, a lot more noise, basic errands get more difficult etc. If that’s truly the vibe you want right at this moment, then embrace it and go for it! I feel like the people who struggle the most with 3 are the ones who view it as “just 2 plus 1 more”. It’s not- it’s a whole different beast.

      1. This. Our friends with 3 told us that it’s like switching from man to man to zone defence. It’s a totally different game.

      2. Interesting that a lot on this board seem to consider 3 kids a “big family”. Growing up in the south and now in the midwest, 3 kids seems run of the mill to me. I don’t think you have a big family until you hit a least 5-6 kids.

        1. It’s rare for my moms in families like that to work, though. And certainly not in Big Law. For families with both partners in demanding full time jobs, 3 kids is definitely a big family.

    14. No one has mentioned this so I’ll say it. A third child is very much a status symbol in certain wealthy, high-powered circles. Are you sure there isn’t an element of “keeping up with the Joneses” in feeling like you should have a third? That’s not a good reason to have another child.

    15. I have a 13 and 10 year old now. I’m so glad we do not have a third, which I briefly contemplated, as the daily logistics of middle and high school would be a lot to wrangle. But I am big on not sacrificing my daily happiness for a rosy, hypothetical future. My advice on having a child, whether the first or an additional one – round down. Unless you are both enthusiastically in favor of it, don’t.

    16. Be happy with 2. I have 3 and had to switch to part time even with a short commute govt job.

      Daycare years weren’t the killer, it was the pandemic and now elementary school years where they specifically want their parents and I was too mentally drained to be available. DH works from home.

      The world is built for families with 2 kids, even things like airline seating and hotel arrangements are harder with 3. We have local grandparents but all 3 at once is too much for them vs with 2 they did overnights etc.

    17. My dad was an only child. He had two children. We each had two children. Our family Thanksgivings are lovely and manageable.

    18. If you are worried about stressing your family to the brink, I’d say you are there. Three is a herculean task – I don’t know anyone who manages without a SAHM, local family, or significant paid help (in addition to aftercare). You will be not only parenting the kids, but also managing the logistics of three schedules and in some cases managing caregivers, which is its own special type of task. Do you envision activities of any sort (sports, music, scouts) for your kids? Those calendars can get pretty crazy pretty quick. And pop over to the moms page today to see the thread about parents never getting a vacation away — if you don’t have family to help out, that’s going to be you. Is It worth it for a mythical big family in 2+ decades?

    20. This is such a self centered reason to have a child. There is absolutely no guarantee that the children you have, or this third seat filling child you want to have will be close to you or attend thanksgiving every year, as at that point they will be adults who may have other priorities. If your plan is to guilt them and manipulate them into attending your holiday events so you can get that big happy family feel you may be headed for the exact opposite- a lot of broken relationships.
      Do you want your current youngest child to turn into a middle child? Would that work for that child’s personality?
      Are you trying to prove something with the idea of this third child? Why are the two children you have not enough? Are you feeling some sort of religious, social media or peer pressure to have more kids to prove your worth? Are you trying to prove something to your family? I hope you spend the time to drill down deep and figure out what’s driving this fantasy, and if it’s actually reasonable and obtainable in a way that is satisfying. Kids are not meant to fill holes in your life. Kids are not insurance policies. Having one more kid is a bad insurance policy and none of your children can replace any of the others. Kids are not instant meaning makers for women. Kids are not objects you display as a symbol of superiority or status. Kids are often used this way to the detriment of the child.
      Nothing you have said indicates you actually enjoy children other than this idea you’re holding of a large happy family at thanksgiving. Is there another way you can enjoy and find satisfaction in the family that you already have? Can you spend you spend your energy focusing on helping the family you do have thrive instead of Just ‘managing fine’? You may find a lot of joy lies in what you already have.

      1. This is crazy harsh. I’m firmly on team say no to 3 kids (and am child free myself) but it’s absolutely not selfish to envision the kind of life you want to lead and to plan accordingly. Including imagining what a grown up life is like. I’m sorry you don’t like your family or something such that the idea of spending holidays with them is so offensive. I’m sure OP knows that everyone may not show up every year. But come on, this is just mean.

    21. Do you and spouse have time to give each of three children enough time and attention that they’ll want to come spend time with you when they’re grown?

      Even if they will want to spend time with you, why do you want visiting you for holidays to be such a high priority? Maybe your kids will choose life paths that make that unduly burdensome, not because they want to get away from you, but because their happiness is running a dive shop in the Seychelles, or farming, or serving in the military, or raising a ton of kids.

      Don’t have children because of some future that you want to put on them, but rather because you want to care for and raise each of them.

      1. Succinct but 100% true. But I really don’t subscribe to the “who do you want around the table” ideal, either. All of my siblings have three kids (I have two), and man, I do not want that life. Hectic is putting it mildly.

    22. I am a biglaw partner and have three kids. My husband also has a big job now (VP at a startup). We haven’t both had “big” jobs throughout our whole careers (I was reduced schedule for 8 years, he was quiet quitting for a time). We pay a s** ton in childcare (which is really more like household management and chauffer service at this point). The reality of being a biglaw partner is that you can throw money at whatever makes your life easier.

      I had my third before I was quite committed to having three, but I don’t regret it at all. Yes, it’s hectic and crazy, and yes, the period of time when I had three kids under the age of 6 was insane and I don’t remember much about it, but this is our complete family. I will say, I don’t regret not having a fourth.

      My timeline is a little different than yours because I had all of my kids before I made partner – I have mixed feelings on whether that is better or worse.

      The logistics of 3 are different. It’s more expensive to travel (bigger car, bigger hotel room/suite, harder to split up in the airplane). As others have said, zone is harder than man on man. We did a lot of solo parenting for short stretches (like 2-3 hours), and it’s harder with three, but manageable, especially as the oldest gets more independent. 3 kids means 3 sets of activities, and even if they all do the same thing, the schedules won’t align. It means that if all the kids have something going on, you will miss somebody’s game/practice/etc. We lean heavily into carpooling. It’s all doable and worth it, but I could not say that it’s not *crazy*.

    23. I am grateful I grew up in a big family (more than three!) and am close to my siblings, but we were also homeschooled by a stay at home parent… it was another lifestyle from another time and place that does kind of feel like a fantasy to me now.

    24. I think you need to think about the reality of day to day raising three kids versus some hypothetical 25 years from now holidays. I also think you are imagining a third child similar to the two you have. Are you prepared to raise a third child who is special needs? Or twins and now you’re looking at four instead of three?

    25. I have two and regret not having a third. To me it would mean more love, more family, maybe another set of grandkids some day. The inconvenience of the baby toddler years goes by so fast,
      Can you get a live in nanny? If you can through money at it to lessen the stress of the baby years I would say go for it.

    26. We had a surprise third and she is delightful and a lot of work.
      I don’t think any decision to expand one’s family – whether it’s one child or six- is an entirely rational decision. I feel like the decision is a good amount of heart and gut. As long as your kids are loved and your marriage is strong, the third kid is not going to break anyone.

    27. Nothing to add other than I’m in a similar frame of mind. Even same job situations as you! Except both my husband and I are only children, which is making me imagine a big family at Thanksgiving. And we have local family support and have 2 boys (same ages as your kids) so there’s also the possibility of having the 3rd be a girl. I have agonized about this and even started therapy partly because of this question that keeps weighing on me. Hasn’t helped yet.

      1. I’ve been there. It’s not really about the third kid. It’s about the impact to your existing two children, as well as all the things mentioned already.

  20. I was just laid off for the first time in my life and I’m trying to figure out what to do about unemployment. In my ideal world, I would spend the next two months recovering from burnout and then start a job search. I have the savings to keep myself going for a while – if no other emergencies arise, my emergency fund would keep me going on a tight budget for at least nine months. It seems like unemployment requires that you either take it immediately or not at all, but maybe I’m misunderstanding the rules? They say a claim needs to be filed within the week you lose your job, which seems straightforward enough. I’m not trying to take advantage of the program, I just don’t want it to kick in until I’m ready to start job searching! Do people in my situation just turn down unemployment in favor of getting the down time they need, or is there another option I’m missing?

    If anyone has other advice they’d like to share about being laid off, I’m all ears! I was at my last employer for 12 years and I’ve never been laid off before so this is all new territory for me. I’m feeling really sad, I loved my my job, but I also have had some health issues pop up this last year because of ignoring how burned out I was, so I’m looking forward to having some time to fix that!

    1. First, I’m sorry. It sucks. It will sting for a while but it will heal.
      Next, it’s way, way, way more common than you think and happens to excellent employees. It happened to me after 3 years of consecutive promotions. I was in a leadership role, company got bought, new CEO brought in “his guy” and cut my role to fund it.
      Third, that was almost a decade ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me and my family. I landed a new role that was super flexible and basically enabled our family’s ability to have a 3rd kid, who is the greatest. I’m still in this super flexible decently paying role and have no plans to leave.

      Other advice: don’t burn your bridges with the company that laid you off. You probably have some great allies there. File for unemployment ASAP. In my state anyway, if there are weeks you are not actively job searching you can file as such and you won’t get a check but you’ll be in the system.

    2. Sorry you are going through this! And congratulations on a healthy emergency fund.

      We will need to know what state you live in to give good advice. If you could give us that, someone who lives in that state may have experience.

    3. File ASAP. Often it does not pay very well and if your job search drags out, you will need it.

      1. +1. File now. It’s much harder to file after the fact. Of you do ‘t need it now, put it in a savings account.

      2. I agree.

        Depending on the state, you may not have to be actively job hunting. When I was on employment (twice), things like resume editing, networking, and researching potential jobs counted as job search activities in addition to actually applying for jobs each week as part of my unemployment payment qualification. Your former employer paid in, so it’s a benefit you have already earned.

        Jobs can also be scarce depending on the industry right now given the economic uncertainty, and the time from application submission to interview, offer negotiation, and start date may be much longer than anticipated even if you find a job that fits your needs and are hired for immediately. Apply for the unemployment insurance payments, take a week or two to decompress and recover, and start casually seeing what jobs are out there. You can also negotiate for a delayed start date.

    4. A friend of mine applied for unemployment and just filled out the forms to say he was job hunting when he wasn’t, for various reasons (he had something lined up that was like 95% certain but wouldn’t start for a few months). I have a firm similar to the place he worked so we would occasionally email about projects I could use his help on, but we never ended up working together and our emails were fine for the unemployment office.

      He’s in the best job of his life right now, I was laid off at my last job and it was the kick in the pants I needed to hang out my shingle. I’m hoping the best will happen for you.

  21. Has anyone walked a half marathon? Or done the walk/run method? I am not a natural runner but can work up to a slow 5k. I would love to try a half but don’t want to run the whole thing. I feel like walking it would be challenging but very doable. Any stories to share?

    1. Many races have time limits, so take that into consideration. Usually it’s you have to average a 14-15 min mile so unless you’re speed walking you probably can’t maintain that just walking.

      I’ve done 3 walk/run and many, many, many people do that. I usually register last minute on a whim without enough time to train and end up running the first 5 miles and walk/running the rest. Thry are so challenging but so fun. Hoping to fully one run this summer (am actually planning in advance and training this time!)

      I am always surprised at how badly I hurt after doing one. I’m pretty fit just not a huge runner. I go on 10 mike hikes. I have a 3 mile round trip walking commute. I lift 2x a week, bike 1-2x a week and play in a soccer league. I do 2 sprint triathlons a year. Still really hurt after a half.

      1. Do you have a certain pattern that you follow when you’ve done the walk/run? Or just run until you need to walk?

        I also feel like I am in good shape but feel like the sheer impact of walking for that long would take a toll. Good luck with the training for this summer!

      1. Do you fully walk or do the walk/run combo? Any particularly training programs you would recommend? If you are walking for that many hours, do you eat something while you’re our there? I have never done a race longer than a 5k but have walked much farther.
        I am excited to have a new goal to work towards!

        1. I walked almost the entirely of my first half marathon, then used run/walk for several years. (Now I run.)

          Advice:
          Learn to walk fast. This will help your aerobic development, will actually help your running (leg turnover, posture, small muscles, calorie expenditure), and, of course, means you will have a faster race time.

          You can do structured or unstructured intervals. Either as fine as long as you are doing so with a purpose and a plan. I think people struggle when they try “run as long as I can, then walk, then run when I can again, then walk.” Run/walk works much better when you start walking before you are completely fatigued. On your walk breaks, walk until you are rejuvenated.

          Another strategy is to walk the uphills and run/walk the rest of the course.

          Likewise, people will do running intervals (in training) that are far too short to derive a physiological benefit. From my own experience (I enjoy experimenting on myself), your running intervals should be at least a half mile long.

          Yes, bring something to eat during a half marathon. The elites don’t but that’s because they run the things in 75-90 minutes. Most people bring gels or Blox. Some bring their own hydration vests, depending on course support and weather.

          Do you have a race picked out?

          1. No race picked out yet. The ones in my area that most appeal are either April or September. My instinct is to give myself the time and do September. I have a 5k I want to do in July as well.
            There are a few out and back trail options in the area but I run and walk mostly on roads.

          2. April is too soon unless you like pain.

            I assume you’re in a more northern area, if good half marathons are in September.

            What do you want in a half marathon? What is your approximate geographic area? How far are you willing to travel?

          3. I am in Western NY and wouldn’t want to travel far for my first time. I like having a fitness goal and program to follow. Training for a 5k a few years ago was really empowering some how. I felt a sense of pride that I don’t always get in other areas of my life. I’ve also always wanted to be a runner, but feel like it has always been a struggle for me regardless of fitness level.

          4. Detroit International (Detroit MI) and Queen Bee (Cincinnati OH) could both be great races for a first timer. They have great course support and very generous pacing requirements. Queen Bee has some serious girl power vibes and first time half marathoners get their own special bibs (for their backs) so other runners can cheer them on.

    3. Check out Hal Higdon’s beginner half marathon training plan. I was you but then worked up to running a half during the pandemic and now I’m kind of hooked. But run/walk or totally walking is fine as long as you can avoid getting kicked off the race due to your pace. You need at least 12 weeks to prepare. Once you start getting beyond runs/walks of about an hour, you will probably feel better if you start taking in some calories and liquid every 30 min or so. I liked the Honey Stinger gels to start and more recently have been using SIS gels. And I bought a cheap hydration belt so I can bring Gatorade or water. Go for it!

  22. I like the look of house plants and think they will add visual interest in some of our rooms, but DH doesn’t want to risk damage to our wood floors, and doesn’t trust that plant saucers will protect them. Do you have plants in rooms with wood floors? How do you feel about fake plants?

    1. Do you need to set them directly on the floor? Maybe you could compromise by getting a stand or a table for your plants to go on.

    2. I have plants on my hardwood floor and I don’t see how they could cause damage? There’s no drainage hole in the bottom of the pots. The plant is potted in a separate plastic container with drainage and then placed inside the pot with some rocks at the bottom.

      1. Clay and stone pots aren’t necessarily waterproof, so there are potential issues with water on wood. I think the answer is to choose the pot carefully, though.

        1. Just get a waterproof saucer if the pot is porous. This is not complicated. Some clay saucers are glazed on the inside to make them waterproof.

      2. This is what I do as well. However, it’s VERY important to get a floor protector for under the pots. We have a very large terracota pot in our living room, and had friends house sit for a couple weeks. We discovered they had tried to move the terracotta pot, and it left huge scratches on our hardwood. I was not happy but my husband claims he can buff them out and they did us a favor staying here, so it is what it is. After that I bought a little plastic slider for the pot to sit on and we haven’t had any issues since, even when I rotate it.

    3. Yes, have never had an issue with leaks when using a saucer. Have plants on wood furniture and a larger tree in a pot on the floor.

      1. Or, as 12:01 says, you can buy decorative pots that don’t have a hole in the bottom and hide the “planting pot” inside, in which case you don’t need a saucer at all.

    4. Yes, lots of plants, all wood floors, no issues.
      I’d choose no plants instead of fake ones, but perhaps newer ones are nicer.

    5. I am using simple Ikea Gladom metal tables as plant displays. It raises them closer to light but also acts as a barrier between plant/pot and the floor.

    6. We have our house plants on actual plant stands with little feet. No damage to the floors, 30-plus years later.

    7. Mine are outside unless I bring them in when they’re blooming or otherwise showing off. I do all watering outside. Never a problem, and I’m not fastidious about housekeeping. Caveat that I live in FL, so there’s only a short time of the year when they have to come indoors. My garage looks like a rainforest for a month or two in the winter.

    8. I like the cork mats for this. You can find them pretty much anywhere that sells plants, or IKEA.

    9. There are lots of different heights of plant stands and many ways to protect the floor. Does your DH has in his head that you want to put a terracotta saucer directly on the floor? Do a search for indoor plant stands online. And maybe start small with a plant on a counter or by the window sill? All better options than adding plastic to your home.

    10. I have had stain issues with terracotta saucers set directly on wood floors and I hate the plastic ones. What I use are low plant stands. Look at the Achla Piazza plant stand from Gardeners Supply. It sits your plant about 4 inches off the floor. About $22. That merchant has a host of other options as well.

    11. They sell very thick, plastic plant saucers you put on the floor or furniture and then set the plant pot into the saucer. You can buy them in multiple sizes and they’re nearly invisible if you pick the right size; you can also buy them in different colors (I usually get clear ones). Only thing to watch out for is overwatering (if you overwater, the water can spill out of the saucer onto the floor. Overwatering is also bad for the plant and can lead to fungus gnat infestation, plant disease, etc. A small drink once or twice a week is plenty for most houseplants).

      We don’t have wood floors – they’re laminate – but we have wood furniture. I have plants everywhere; I love them. The plastic plant saucers mean I can put plants anywhere. They even make them for hanging plants.

      I hate fake plants and can always tell they’re fake. There are lots of really easy houseplant varietals out there now, for beginners. For new houseplant owners I suggest spider plants, dracaenas and pothos as good starter plants. I also just got a philodendron that is growing like crazy with very minimal involvement from me. Not all plants sold in nurseries/plant stores actually make good houseplants – I bought one from a chi-chi plant store and found out after three years of trying to keep it alive that the plant really doesn’t do well inside and shouldn’t have been sold as a houseplant. Research species and varietals and pick something easy. Pothos are great because they’ll grow like crazy even in low-light conditions. Spider plants are very tolerant of inconsistent watering, and the leaves will blanch (get lighter) to tell you they need watering. Dracaenas are very hard to kill and they’re slow-growing so don’t need a lot of repotting. I have a dracaena that’s older than my son.

    12. The floors will only become damaged if you overwater your plants to the point where the saucers overflow. So just don’t do that?

      I have real plants on wood floors. I also have fake plants in rooms which don’t get enough sun to support real plants. Both are great! (Fake plants are pretty good looking these days!)

  23. Laser hair removal question – at my third treatment I had a really bad reaction on my legs (no bad reaction on underarms or bikini though). I developed red itchy bumps that I of course scratched in my sleep and scarred. It lasted for close to 3 weeks covering the entire treatment area. Miserable. I went back to the medispa and they did a test patch with a lower frequency (?) laser, same thing. I’m only halfway through my treatment and I’m still seeing hair growth. Is there anything I can do here? The medispa (and the surgeon who runs it) are perplexed. Do I ask for a refund for the remaining treatments and just resign myself to going back to shaving?

    1. You may not be a candidate for this. I’m not a candidate for waxing, I have learned the hard way.

  24. Do you have a Telluride or one of the other spendy Kias? They look nice, but I am put out after reading that the nice finishes don’t really hold up (and some stuff re transmissions slipping after a year or so). I have an aging Honda and was thinking of going nicer on my next one (once car stores get inventory, which may be 2024 at this rate). But while the Honda is not exciting, it is hella reliable and has barely aged in the 12+ years I’ve had it except for unfortunate urban parking garage things that have happened to it (door dings, paint chips on outside mirrors, etc.). Please tell me yours are good — I really feel the Telluride calling my name. But the Honda is a reliable tank beast and the new Pilot looks better than the old ones (a low bar there, TBH), ditto the CRV.

  25. Has anyone purchased a condo in DC lately? How’s the market? Literally anything you can share is helpful. I’m hopefully expecting a job offer and a quick need to move there (which I am excited about) and was considering buying if it makes sense. (I have lived there previously, though not in over a decade but I visit often).

  26. While I’m at it, has anyone used a shipping/moving company lately (just boxes, not furniture) that they recommend? thanks!

    1. I’ve used atlas for multiple 1K+ mile moves. Very little furniture and LOTS of boxes. I’ve never had an issue with them.

      Try and get your new employer to pay for relocation. They’ll want 3 quotes, probably, unless they give you a flat amount. Both times I’ve moved for work, I was given a flat amount for relo expenses. As a way to cut costs, I did 99% of packing.

      1. amazing, thank you! I actually forgot to consider asking for relocation so this is a great reminder. thans

    2. I used the UHaul U-Boxes to move from DC to Arizona and back. If it’s no furniture, just boxes, you should be fine with 1 box. It was by far the cheapest option, and they store it in their warehouse for free for the first month or two, then super cheap after, so if you’re bouncing around in short-term housing for a couple months you don’t need to worry about what to do with your stuff. I hired third-party movers on both ends through the UHaul website–they go to UHaul for you to pick up the trailer with the box on it, load/unload everything, and then return the box to UHaul. I was really happy with it; you put your own lock on the box and only you have a key, so your stuff is secure.

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