ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 307 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Macey Velvet Shawl Collar Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I want to wear this blazer to every holiday party I’m invited to this year. The satin lapels look really luxe against the velvet, and the color is gorgeous. Velvet can be hard to do in an office setting, but I think the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas are the time to do it. I’d wear this the way they’ve styled it in these photos — with a black top and slim black pants. If I were feeling particularly adventurous, I might try it out with some wide-leg winter-white pants, but that could veer a little too far into party territory. The blazer is $485 and available in sizes 0–14. Macey Velvet Shawl Collar Jacket Nordstrom's Halogen brand has a more affordable option in regular, petite, and plus sizes for $99. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

307 Comments

  1. I often stumble across long articles online which I enjoy, they tend to be the New Yorker or the Atlantic I think. Can anyone suggest the best place to find this kind of thing? I’d be happy to subscribe to something but I’m U.K. based and not sure what I’m looking for!

    2. I’m in the UK and have subscribed to the Atlantic, I did have a New Yorker subscription but couldn’t keep up – I also get the New Statesman so didn’t want another weekly magazine.

  2. Beautiful jacket. Not sure how I would use it though. Question: Do people still wear corduroy pants? I have some J Brand skinny ones but I never see anyone wearing corduroy. I’m an “old” so I totally miss trend shifts sometimes. Thanks.

    1. I see it among the women I know who aren’t really into fashion, but who put comfort first. I think they look cute in a sporty, mountain vibe way.

    2. I’m seeing a fair amount of wide wale corduroy in fast fashion/trendy styles. I just tried on a corduroy jumper from the teenage girl section of Target along with a ribbed cropped shirt. It was hilarious, considering I wore it for the first time in the 90s. I felt like a sheep dressed as a lamb and did not get the outfit.

      I think you can make corduroy work in a preppy classic professor way too. That’s not trendy or anything, but it doesn’t look bad IMO.

    3. LOFT is selling lots of corduroy this season. Not sure if it’s “in”, but it’s definitely for sale

    4. I think cords are fine, especially if they’re in a current cut (skinny may no longer be the trendiest cut, but IMO it’s still current).

    5. I wouldn’t call myself a fashion maven, but I have a pair of skinny cords in a jewel tone that feel current.

      1. I think this comment is spot on. Jewel tone or black cords are more on trend. The “old school” private school uniform looking ones in brown or navy, especially straight leg (i.e. the “I’m a teenager with no curves” fit) would look very dowdy.

    6. I love cords! Now that we are casual at work I wear to avoid denim burnout and to give me additional color options. I have skinnies and boot legs from Loft.

    8. I feel like LOFT sells corduroys every winter. I have pairs in black and plum. I still wear them occasionally with sweaters and still like the look. I think the trick is wearing them with current footwear — like I’d skip the ballet flats but would pair with ankle boots.

    9. I have two pairs of corduroys in the “mom jean” cut from urban outfitters and they are my favourite pants. The key is the cut though – high waisted and loose.

      1. ooh I’ve been looking for something like these — do they reach your feet or are they the ankle cut? (looking to keep my ankles warm…)

        1. They reach your feet, and you can roll them for a cute ankle look (ie. i roll them to wear with blundstones/other boots). They’re the best pants I own – I bought them in 3 colours! They the BDG ones on the UO website.

  3. Elizabeth, I love the Nordstrom’s Halogen blazer in aqua blue –it is gorgeous and only $99! Thanks for providing this more frugal option for us! I wanted to report to the hive that the NY Times had a comprehensive section in Sunday’s paper about Fertility and a guide to getting pregnant –a topic I wished I knew more about 10 years ago.
    https://parenting.nytimes.com/becoming-a-parent/fertility-getting-pregnant

    It tells us everything we need to know, so I totally encourage all women interested in having babies to read this COVER TO COVER when you are in your 20s and 30s, so that you will know what is going on. They say that many of us (like me) are not aware of these issues and think we can postpone having babies for our career, but we must know that this is risky and many times does NOT work out. I am keeping this paper to show my Grandma Leyeh, who keeps needeling me about NOT giving her a grandchild, which is painful b/c mabye she SHOULD have told me to have babies 10 years ago when I was busy establishing my career. I am nearly 40 and it is not a simple thing to have babies at my age, and this NY Times section explains it all. Kat/Kate/Elizabeth: You should also read this so that you can be a source of information on this important topic.

  4. Have a monster work day ahead of me that’s been giving me anxiety all weekend. One of those days where several different clients will all need my attention immediately and at the same time. Just wanting good vibes from the hive!

    3. Hugs! You are living my life! Virtually every day there is a crisis that I must respond to for the manageing partner b/c someone else has dropped the ball! Of course, as a manageing partner in training, he is makeing me come up with solutions to these issues now, and guiding me to make sure I am doing a balanced review b/f comeing up with a solution each time. It is all I can do to get my own 600 billeable hours in each month and at the same time cover these fire drills, which are cleanups that the manageing partner bills for separately (under his name). Whoever thought being a partner in a NYC firm would be easy-peasy did NOT work at my firm! But I do love the thrill of it all, knowing that I am making a difference in people’s lives, just by being a member of the NY Bar in good standing! Dad is very proud of me, and that is all that counts in the end! YAY!!!!

  5. A while ago, someone posted about a store in Salzburg that sells Christmas ornaments made out of eggshells/ blown eggs. Does anyone have the name and location of that store?

      1. Oh great! But is that the one that was so highly recommended? If anyone else can confirm I’d appreciate it! Just want to make sure I go to where the craftsmanship is good.

    3. I think it was me! It’s in the old part of the city, to the left of the main gate. I googled it and it was showing as Christmas in Salzburg. The one that Cat posted is the right one. Honestly, it was the only store of its kind that I saw. They are beautiful and I brought some home as gifts and for myself. They pack them in an egg carton so they easily made it home unbroken.

    4. Not what you asked, but if anyone wants these closer to home (for some), there is a vendor at the Christmas Markets in NYC who makes and sells them.

  6. Does the hive have any recommendations for a good Vitamin C serum to use daily? Have any of you found that the more expensive formulations are worth the cost? FWIW, I’m in my mid 40s and am looking for skin brightening and antioxidants, some spot and wrinkle fading would be great too. Already doing retinol at night. Thanks!

    1. I like the cheap-y ordinary one. I’ve heard complaints about its texture but I think it feels fine on.

      1. I like the Ordinary serums, and they have a handful of options at different strengths and textures. I use the cream – it feels a little finely gritty by itself but I mix mine with a little hyalauronic acid or light oil and don’t feel the texture.

    2. Interested in this too. Bonus points if it has no smell (the drunk elephant vitamin c serum smelled like an ungodly combination of metal and meat to me and I couldn’t stand it).

      1. To be honest, I think they all have a slightly hot dog smell. The Ordinary is definitely less smelly than the Skinceuticals and Timeless ones, but the Timeless is my favourite in terms of value for money.

    3. I like Mad Hippie. No weird smell, doesn’t make me break out, includes hyaluronic acid, inexpensive. I tried Drunk Elephant, and it had already oxidized by the time I bought it.

    4. Cerave has a Vitamin C serum that I wear in the mornings underneath sunscreen (also Cerave). It’s made a difference in my skin.

    5. I really love Sunday Riley’s CEO Rapid Flash brightening serum, but the price is steep for me (if the price point is comfortable for you, though, I very very highly recommend it!). No weird smell, feels good on, and I noticed lightning of some old acne scarring and overall improved texture. I’ll be trying some of The Ordinary’s options after this bottle runs out, though. Would love to find something that splits the difference!

      1. +1 on the Sunday RIley line, I’ve like their Good Genes for brightness. For wrinkles, nothing beats Botox.

      2. Sunday Riley is my favorite, but The Ordinary works fine, too. I think it stings a bit more, and I miss the lovely orange scent of the SR, but it works. I put The Ordinary in, brush my teeth, then put moisturizer in, so the stinging isn’t too bad.

    6. I’ve liked the C boosters from Paula’s Choice! You can add it to your moisturizer or other products.

    7. If you’re sensitive to smell, I used the vitamin C power from Soko Glam and mix it into my moisturizer. It’s around $20.

    8. I use the ZO brand and get it from my dermatologist’s office. I think the ZO is for Zane Obagi of the Obagi line. ZO is the founder’s new one. I think it’s pretty powerful because it kind of stings.

    9. I have tried the expensive one, the Skinceuticals, and it made a huge difference in one bottle. Now that I know it works I’m going to try some dupes. I’m trying the Timeless first. I’ve been advised to buy directly from their site, not amazon, for a better chance at a non-oxidized bottle.

      1. FYI, the entire Skinceuticals line is 15% off right now at Dermstore dot com right now. This does not happen often for those interested. Code is SKINC15

    10. I really like the Glossier one–it’s light, doesn’t smell, and is fairly inexpensive. I notice a definite positive effect on my skin.

      1. Same. I have been using super glow and super bounce and noticed a difference when I didn’t with mad hippie or the ordinary.

    11. I use the BeautyStat Universal Vitamin C Skin Refiner. I have very sensitive skin — like most makeup wipes set it off — and this works great for me. As an added bonus, its more of a lotion than serum consistency so it works great as a de facto makeup primer.

    12. This is timely because I just had my annual skin cancer check with my dermatologist this morning. She’s a university researcher and only sees patients one day every two weeks so I’m lucky to have her as my derm, but she’s the farthest thing from a cosmetic dermatologist as you can get.

      I said, so, vitamin c serums? She said, if you like them, they’re fine. I said, but is there any science there? She said, not really. The problem with these cosmi-dermatologicals is that they’re loosely based on science at the Petri dish level, but not on actual human skin. So it’s largely marketing.

      She went on to say that the proven things are sun protection and retinoids. We talked about a better retinoid prescripton for me, and I will be even more religious about sunscreen (though I’m already pretty good about it (no skin cancers yet at age 54.)

      1. I’m sorry I hit enter too soon. So my advice is to get on a retinoid before adding vitamin c.

  7. has anyones open office figured out a way for people to have private phone conversations? We’re in an area where people drive in, so people’s cars are the best option. We’re short on conference rooms so many times I have to displace someone obviously on a doctors call or kids’ school etc, to start our meeting.
    I see little phone booths advertised- my big company likes to buy things especially if they think its “on trend”…or a sign up sheet or policy for our one visitor office? Phone reception for different carriers is also spotty throughout the building so just staying mobile and clear of other people doesn’t work.

    1. I don’t think sign-up sheet would help- the kid’s doctor is going to call when they’re going to call and you usually need to speak with them right then. That’s the case for most personal calls I can think of. If your company is willing to get something like phone booths, that seems like a good option!

      1. +1, what you really need is a space that people can reliably duck into for a few minutes when a call comes in. The “phone booth” type things would be good for this, especially if they’re on the deeper side and padded with noise-reducing material.

    2. I will never forget trying (and failing) to find a private space to call and schedule first a breast ultrasound and then a breast biopsy in an open office.

      I ultimately went to the lobby of the building to schedule those appointments.

      I also received the (negative!) results of the biopsy in my open office (straight up sitting at my desk, because I wasn’t going to wait to find a private spot. I wanted to know then!)

      I was 23 and in the midst of an absolutely terrible, terrible year (a cancer scare was like the 4th worst thing that happened that year). It forced me to find some humor in how absurd everything was, but was otherwise so terrible.

    4. I think a combo of phone booths and open lounge/lobby space would be good. Phone booths you could allow sign ups or just have them all be open use (a sign up could be good if you have to get on a conference call at a certain time, and then for the unscheduled personal or work calls, you can either duck into an open booth or find a quiet corner of the lounge/lobby area). I would have a limit for the phone booths, maybe 1 hr, and have reminder signs in them to make sure people aren’t camping out.

    5. I tend to duck into the back stairwell – I know this isn’t an option for all buildings though. We have an increasing amount of single-seat-booths which aren’t quite phone booths but still provide some sound insulation and privacy.

  8. Are people still wearing the (corduroy and other materials) full snap/button front skirts this fall? Feel like I haven’t seen as many.

  9. I need a great gift for my coffee-loving husband. Everything I found online suggested a Chemex, that fancy goose-neck matte finish kettle, the fancy grinder, Aeropress, the ceramic pourover looking thing, and Third Wave water. We have all of it. I don’t drink coffee, so I am not sure if there is something else we don’t have.

    Aside from buying my husband an “experience” gift at his local shop (they offer all sorts of classes), is there some other “contraption” I am missing? I’ve found some cool single source, limited batch coffees that match his preferred profiles (fruity, citrus-y, berries, lighter–generally African, not Colombian), but I am not sure a subscription is something he would enjoy because he loves getting to try all sorts of different beans he reads about.

    1. The only thing that really comes to mind would be an at-home roasting set-up (and then you could also add in a bag of green coffee beans for him to get started with).

      1. An sie popper (for popcorn) is great for roasting at home. But only do it if you have an outside space, it’s a bit messy.
        Some places offer coffee tastings, maybe that’s available in your area?

    2. The only other thing I can think of is a digital scale, but if he’s already using a pourover setup, then I imagine he has one.

      I would do the subscription, to someplace that sends new kinds of beans each time. I would also make sure the subscription is only for 25% or so of his total coffee consumption, so he still gets the pleasure of picking his own stuff out, but gets a fun surprise once/month or so.

    4. I gave my brother, a coffee aficionado, a bean subscription. I used Driftaway Coffee. He really loved it. Your husband might enjoy that they take your feedback and I think they do like a sampling at the beginning to learn about your profile. He might enjoy the back and forth!

      Alternatively, if he likes sweets, maybe a Zingerman’s pastry subscription to have with his coffee? Or bacon? (I’ve also done the bacon subscription for my brother.)

    5. Question – why do you want to give him a coffee-related gift? I mean I get that you want to give someone a gift you think they’d like, but with someone that is SO into a hobby it can be painful to find something they’re not already aware of and either don’t want or already own (as you know!).

    6. My husband is like this. Look at Trade Coffee online. Bags from independent roasters around the country. It’s amazing and we’ve had some incredible coffee from there. Sounds like he has all the equipment he needs.

    7. Does he have the clever dripper?

      https://www.sweetmarias.com/clever-coffee-dripper-large.html

      The cool thing about this one is that it doesn’t drip until you set it on the cup, so it gives the water some time to mingle with the grounds before going into the cup.

      Really take a look around the sweetmaria website. They have lots of stuff. If you want to get into roasting your own beans you could get him some green coffee beans and an air popper. That is the next level into the obsession.

      Another suggestion is an aero press. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t have one but if you already have a burr grinder, an aeropress is a really good way to make something akin to an espresso shot without a pressurized espresso machine.

        1. And… I see you already have an aero press but I just went on coffee geek and found that aeropress is just now releasing a travel mug! Shipping November 2019

          http://coffeegeek.com/proreviews/firstlook/aeropressgo

          At a minimum you have to get him this. It’s only $35

          I thought more about your question and I think that what I would really, really want is a souped up semi-automatic espresso maker with a pressurized portafilter. I would absolutely rely on coffee geek for reviews.

          Personal opinion, I think the most expensive super automatic machines, where you push a button and it makes you a latte or a macchiato or whatever, are less for true coffee geeks and more for people who just want the convenience of getting their Starbucks order at home. I know that sounds snobby but I can’t figure out another way to word it.

    8. What does he like to drink out of? Beautiful handmade mugs maybe? Maybe upgrade whatever to-go mugs he has?

    10. I live in Raleigh where there is a wonderful roaster (Larry’s Beans) that does occasional tours of their plant. They have a zero carbon footprint, they do composting, they cool their facility by funneling cool water through pipes, and they converted a bus to run on vegetable oil. Perhaps there’s a roaster near you that has interesting tours as well?

  10. PSA: The sherpa and teddy tops from VS PINK that I was recommending over the weekend are on sale 50% off today only.

    2. I bought one of these and described it to a friend as the least flattering softest thing I’ve ever worn and may be the only thing I wear inside my house until spring lol.

      1. I am! I buy all my underwear, PJs, and sportswear from Victoria’s Secret, and nearly all my lotions, body washes, and home fragrance from Bath and Body Works. Why, are we not supposed to do that anymore?

        2. I do also…. I really don’t care if I’m “supposed” to or not. The underwear and bras fit, and I can get them for a steal when I stack coupon codes.

    4. How is the sizing on these? I’m a chesty size 6, so I wear a Small in looser cut tops and a Medium in more fitted tops. My PINK V neck tees are a Small, but I think I have other more fitted workout tops from VS in Medium.

  11. What would you wear to a December gender-neutral baby shower in an area that has snow? All of my winter dresses are black/dark which seems too somber for a baby shower but lighter-colored dresses look too springy and will be too cold. I also live in the South so unsure what would be best re: shoes in snow.

    I’m not the mom-to-be, FWIW.

    1. A dark color is fine. It’s winter. If you have a dress that isn’t black, choose that one.

      1. Pretty sure she meant that it was a co-ed shower, but if not, then a hearty second.

    3. So you’re southern, but the baby shower is being held somewhere not in the south? I think you’ll find the old custom of wearing Sunday dresses to baby showers isn’t followed up north. They’re practical people. I’m guessing most people will be in nice jeans with a cute top or dresses with tights and boots.

    4. I have a wine-colored Ottoman dress from Boden that I wear to, like, all non-work smart casual things in the winter. That might be a good place to look. I’d probably wear that + tights and ankle boots. If you’re driving, I wouldn’t worry about shoes. If you’re walking and/or taking public transport, you can wear snow boots and bring shoes in your bag.

    5. I would wear a sweater dress, black tights, and either flat knee high boots or low-heeled booties.

    6. Do they already have snow and a decent amount of it? I live in MN, even if there’s snow on the ground, the likelihood of actually having to walk in snow when you’re going somewhere civilized is very low. If possible, ask someone what they expect most people will wear. If I was going to a December baby shower, I’d go one of two way depending on my perceived level or formality: black ponte pants/booties/fun sweater or top OR printed dress/tights/booties/lighter accessories or wrap to lighten up the look.

    7. Sweater dress, tights, boots. I probably wouldn’t wear a dress that is literally all black, but if you have anything in gray/navy/plum etc or black with some other color, that should be totally fine. People in the Midwest and New England don’t dress as brightly as people in the South.

      1. ….and I just realized if you live in the south you may not have a sweater dress. Any warmer, long- or elbow-sleeved dress should work.

    8. The operative issue here is the formality of the shower – is this someone’s home who entertains informally, is this a baby shower tea at the Ritz, etc. THAT will drive how you dress. Not the baby’s gender – never heard of such a thing! There’s no reason not to wear a black / dark outfit. Black dressy pants are fine most everywhere in the north. The dresses linked to are good options too.

      1. I don’t think genderless plays a role in how you dress for the shower, either, but it’s been a popular buzzword and sentiment for showers in my circles of friends. It’s a smart move IMO, neutral clothes and items can be kept for the next kid, don’t shoehorn a kid into any gender stereotypes, and probably fit the parent’s aesthetic better. I’d show up with a gift that is not gender-specific, wrapped in white and silver or other neutral colors, and expect the theme to be neutral.

    9. Are you sure there will be snow in December? I’m in Boston and my Atlanta and Birmingham in-laws think it snows (and accumulates) here from December 1 through March 31. We get flurries, but snow snow doesn’t usually build up until January or even into February.

      Also, I wear black to basically everything. I wouldn’t flinch with an otherwise daytime-y dress in black. Pair with booties and a pair of black or cranberry/maroon tights.

    10. I wouldn’t think my personal clothing colors have to be gender neutral just because the shower itself isn’t themed “girl” or “boy,” unless the organizer actually said to avoid pink and blue. I’m picturing myself in nice jeans, slacks, or my grey or plaid skirt with woolen tights, boots or booties, plain white t-shirt and a rose, burgundy, navy, or green cardigan (or yellow, if I still had it). I’d treat it like any other daytime party, really.

  12. I will be in San Francisco for just a couple of days this week, staying near the Yerba Buena Gardens and the Museum of Modern Art. I may be able to sneak out for a couple of 1- to 2- hour walks in the very early morning (6:00 a.m.-ish), mid-afternoon, or early evening. Where should I be walking to get the best views and fresh air in the limited time I have available? Restaurant recommendations would also be welcome.

    Thanks in advance! You all always have such great travel advice.

    1. Be careful walking around in that neighborhood that early (watch your step). Otherwise I’d walk to the ferry building in that timeframe.

      1. Eh

        I think this is an overblown concern. This is the conventions neighborhood. You’re not talking about the tenderloin here.

        2. It’s not the tenderloin, but this part of SF is not great either. There’s definitely a lot of homelessness and panhandling.

          1. And the fact that it’s the convention center neighborhood is kind of irrelevant. Convention centers are often placed in areas that are not that safe outside of normal business hours. I go to a different convention center every year for work and most cities’ convention centers are actually in pretty dumpy areas where I don’t feel safe walking alone after dark.

          2. I feel like you guys are like a bunch of delicate suburbanites. This area is basically just downtown SF. I don’t know what all the pearl clutching is about. It’s a city. It’s city-like. It’s not the hood.

          3. If you’ve never had the pleasure of stepping in human feces or altering your route to avoid someone in a mental health crisis screaming in your face, then feel free to ignore the advice.

          4. I’m not sure what you mean, Anon at 12:12. I live in Chicago currently (the city, not the burbs) and have visited most major American cities. Yes, the area is downtown SF. No one has said otherwise. SF has a much worse homelessness problem than other US cities and the downtown area is far from the most pleasant part of SF. I used to live in the Bay Area and spent plenty of time in SF, but avoided SoMa and the financial district as much as I could.

          5. Anon @ 12:12 PM, I travel solo extensively all over the world, including in developing countries that are far off the tourist radar, and I live in a higher-crime area in the urban center of a major American city, so I’m not a “delicate suburbanite.” I find downtown SF deeply unpleasant due to the filth and the interactions I’ve had with physically aggressive (and likely mentally ill) homeless people have made me feel unsafe enough that I will not go running at night or in the early morning alone.

        3. LOLZ – do you live here? Because I do. Yerba Buena is right near the Loin and 6th Street, SOMA’s not super-safe in the AM, and if you lived in the City, you’d know that time of morning is prime time for tweakers coming down off their highs, sometimes violently.

          If you want to be up that early, take a super-early Uber to Crissy Field, which is safe, or walk straight to the Embarcadero, don’t pass go. Otherwise take an uber to Twin Peaks or Buena Vista Park to watch the sun rise over the City. You might also want to try the Lyon Street Steps in Cow Hollow.

          People don’t get what’s happening if they’re not in SF, or not in the parts of SF that are flat (the homeless largely don’t go up super-steep hills). There have been TWO shootings outside my office on mid-Market in the past month in broad daylight, both fatal. The city is paying for private security guards to patrol Market street in some areas.

          SF’s situation is no joke. Don’t leave your hotel that early with earplugs on! Not safe to not be aware of your surroundings.

    2. From there, I’d walk to the Ferry Building, tons of food options in there but for breakfast I like a sandwich at Cowgirl Creamery, for a light lunch, I like Delica the Japanese deli or Out the Door for spring rolls. Humphrey Slocombe ice cream, specifically Secret breakfast is worth getting too. Downtown isn’t my favorite for dining, but close to you is 54 Mint (great Italian) or the Cavalier (British inspired, gorgeous space). Both are good for dining alone – the Cavalier has a bar area and I think 54 Mint has a bar too, but I’d make a reservation there and don’t miss their pasta carbonara.

    3. The Salesforce Park on the roof of the new transit center is worth visiting and taking a couple of laps around, especially if you have limited time. It is very close to where you will be.

      So many good restaurants, hard to know how to narrow it down without more guidance beyond what you will see in yelp or SF Eater. It’s technically a small chain, so up to you if that matters, but Hillstone has been our favorite for years. (Food and atmosphere).

      I walk to work around 6 a.m. No guarantees, but you should be fine as long as you are aware, and yes, watch where you step. At that time I would stick to the financial district/towards the Ferry Building as one recommended as there will be market hours people getting to work then.

    4. Walk down mission to the embarcadero and then walk along the embarcadero. If you have time, check out the ferry building.

      1. For restaurant recs

        Go to Hog Island Oyster co in the ferry building. Slanted Door is legendary if you’re into upscale Vietnamese.

        Personally, I’d have a posh solo lunch at the bar at Boulevard, corner of Mission and Steuart.

        1. And get the grilled cheese at Hog Island Oyster. I still have dreams about that sandwich.

      1. Second this, but Market and the Embarcadero are perpendicular. To get to the Embarcadero from your hotel, walk on Mission, not Market. Have fun! The Ferry Building is awesome. Also second the rec for a posh solo lunch at Boulevard @ Mission and Steuart. Amazing food and service and space.

    7. I work on Market Street in the FiDi and yes, all of the concerns about walking on the street are warranted. However, BART goes right up Market Street and, while still dangerous/smelly, would keep you off the sidewalk for a bit, so you can take BART to the Ferry Building (get off at the Embarcadero station and walk across the street, you can’t miss it). For a great (and affordable) dinner spot try Trestle, which is near the Embarcadero (it has a set menu, so please check it if you have dietary restrictions/allergies). If you like seafood, try La Mar or the Waterfront, both very near the Ferry Building.

      If you are here on a Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday, the Ferry Building has an amazing farmer’s market.

      Hope you enjoy your trip here!

  13. Had this heated argument with DH this morning. We are in this really bad relationship loop. I ask him to do something, he may or may not acknowledge, agree, whatever. Then I ask (i.e., nag) a second time and he blows up at me. He thinks I’m mean because I’m always asking him to do crap and claims my tone of voice is mean. I think he’s mean because he doesn’t do crap and then blows up at me when I nag. We are both in the wrong. I know I need to stop nagging. So… How do you stop yourself from nagging your partner???

    (Please don’t tell me to go to marriage therapy because that is a separate topic, and the advice I’m asking for is how to stop yourself from nagging)

    1. Have you asked him how he prefers you communicate your needs with him? Can he commit to responding quickly if you use his preferred method?

    2. I ask once, then I add the task to a shared family “Note” on our phones with a “reminder” so that it pops up as a notification. My husband and I are both people who hate any of the little red circles with numbers in them on our phones, so this works very well because then he becomes focused on clearing the task.

      I don’t have trouble with my husband doing small errands (he generally knows better than I do what to pick up at the grocery store, he does 100% of dry cleaning pick up, is capable of scheduling his own doctor’s appointments…). For me, this is more long term tasks where the task is “researching/thinking about something that is going to happen in the future” that my husband has specifically said he would like input on or will think about, but wants to ‘think about it/research other options’ first. So, it’s stuff like “please think about whether you want to send in an application for our child to go to XYZ preschool.” “please consider where you want to go for your birthday dinner and since your birthday is on a a Wednesday, when you would like to do that.” And then I’ll set a reminder date for like a week out, usually around 10:30 or 11:00 am so he’s at work and generally focused on getting stuff done. So, this way, I have asked and we have discussed in person, but then I’m sort of asking a second time by adding it to the shared Note.

    3. just stop doing whatever you want him to do instead. don’t give him things that must be done, like mortgage/tuition payments. if you have separate finances, suggest ways for him to outsource tasks you give him at the start. then just don’t nag.

    4. You aren’t nagging him. You’re asking the adult who lives in your home to also do things, he isn’t doing things, and he’s being mean to you when you follow up. And he’s got you so gas lit that you think you’re the problem. Stop asking him to do anything ever. Ask yourself if that’s a life you want to live.

      1. This. “Nagging” is a concept made up by irresponsible men who don’t want to do their fair share of the family business.

    6. I think systems work for people like this. A system of allocating a task, having it stay there until it’s done, then you only have to remind once every now and again to “check the list for stuff we need to do this week”. That could be a wipey board on the fridge or, even better, an app that gives pop up reminders for tasks.

      What comes out to me is him claiming you’re always asking him to do crap. He clearly sees these tasks as yours that you’re outsourcing to him. I find assigning certain tasks, especially regular ones, as being “owned” by a person instead of you being the coordinator will be met with better results and fewer arguments.
      And you have to let him fail at the things he’s promised he’ll do and see the consequences of it, don’t do things for him, that’s reinforcing laziness.

    7. 5 languages of love book. You are probably an Acts of Service person. He likely a different love language. Reading that book made me do “my chores” without my husband having to nag me. I understood that he felt disrespected when I didn’t do something I said I would do. Since it is not my love language, I didn’t understand the impact it was having on him.

      1. +1 I receive love through Acts of Service so when someone doesn’t do things they say they’ll do it feels a lot more personal to me than to most people (and my husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal because that’s now how he receives love). My husband receives love through Words of Affirmation so when I am short with him he takes it harder than most (and I don’t think it’s a big deal because that’s not how I receive love). The 5 Languages of Love may be woowoo self-help but it is pretty useful woowoo self-help.

    8. A couple of thoughts here — first, have you tried making the initial request with a timeframe? For example, could you please do the dishes within the next two hours / before you leave for the gym? Make sure you are both clear on timeline. Second, are these really urgent things, or just things that you want him to do ASAP and he wants to do on his own timeline? Some of the key for me in avoiding this has been accepting that there will be dirty dishes in the sink a little longer than I want them to be. Only things that are truly urgent get urgent treatment. Yes, I would like them to be done immediately but is it imperative? No, so I let it go.

      1. Sigh. Not OP. I’ve asked husband to fill out a reimbursement form… since August. I told him in October that I wasn’t going to ask again and he needs to do it that week… it is still on the coffee table. Looks like I’ll be asking again. I plan to sit next to him and watch him fill out the one line he needs to fill out.

    9. Might not work for you, but works for us:

      (1) Make a list of things that, as fact, have to get done around the house by whatever date (typically end of weekend in our case). Laundry, trash, groceries for the week, basic cleaning, light meal prep. (2) I make a second list of the nice-to-have things that we both can pick off over time: paint the bathroom, unclog the Roomba, store the window screens for winter, blow the leaves in the yard, etc.

      Inevitably there are some things that are implied HIS chores and HER chores just given our history of division of labor. He likes the lists because he always claims he can’t read my mind (I counter argue, trash-taking-out is basic adulthood), so fine – it’s on paper. No mind reading involved. It’s far, far less effort to scratch this list every Friday night for the weekend than silently stew that something isn’t getting done. I also like the list because I do not throw it out until everything is scratched off, so I can show him that it’s legit been 4 weeks since those screens have been sitting in the corner, un-stored for the winter.

      And, FWIW, DH has ADHD and list-writing is also part of his and our joint effort to manage through symptoms. It’s a price of admission thing that I’m willing to pay.

    10. It seems like his definition of nagging is “mentioning what he hasn’t done yet a couple times.” That’s not nagging.

      How is your division of labor? My husband and I have completely different responsibilities at home and we don’t follow up with each other. That system works because we generally handle our business, though neither one of us is perfect. Basically, we show each other grace and we don’t manage each other.

      If you are splitting tasks (sometimes you cook, other times he does) then you will need to set up a communication style or a system. When you aren’t fighting about it, have a sit down and figure out what works. Maybe once a week you two figure out who is doing what so there’s no need to discuss later?

    11. I’m not even convincing “nagging” is a thing. I think it’s an accusation men get to hurl at women when men are incompetent, unhelpful, and childish. Maybe you’re not the one who needs to work at changing anything.

      2. I agree to a degree, but some people are just more interested in planning/being organized than others. I would second the suggestion above for due dates. So if OP wants her husband to make a decision about preschool, and she knows that applications are due by X date, then she needs to say, “Can you please make up your mind about which school you want our kid to go to by Y date?” Same thing with the birthday dinner reservations–if nice restaurants in your city book up usually a few weeks in advance, then tell him, “Please let me know where you want to go to dinner by Z date, so that I can make sure to get a reservation in time.” Your husband probably puts these tasks off because he finds them overwhelming or isn’t interested in doing them. It may also be easier if you say, “Here are 3 restaurants, please pick one for your birthday dinner.” If you don’t like the idea of using due dates or narrowing choices, then just get comfortable with the fact that everything is going to be done last minute. (FYI, I am not married but work in project management).

      3. +100. I’ve noticed that “nagging” is only ever attributed to women and children. It’s instantly invalidating.

        It also takes for granted, in a relationship, that the woman is always the task manager, thereby having to make requests in the first place.

        1. Right, and this is why I hate the whole “I’m totally willing to help, you just need to ask!” or “tell me what to do and I’ll do it” approach some men have with housework, and why I get so annoyed when people defend these helpless men with “awww he just has ADHD, you need to be kind! Just sit down with him and make a list of all the things you’d like him to help with.” Some women enjoy being the household manager, I’m willing to believe that, but with that role comes constantly having to be reasonable and fair in your requests, make sure you don’t overwhelm anyone with too many asks, make lists and schedules and other systems to help the man remember what you want him to be doing, and then being patient and gentle when he forgets or puts them off too long. It’s way more emotional labor than most of us want to be performing on a constant basis.

          1. And I’m frustrated by people who insist that their way is the only way and my willingness to work with my husband (the ADHD one referenced above that evidently I’m babying and coddling because i’m willing to work with him – nice compassion, there) to come up with a system that works for both of us is wrong.

            Seriously. Good for me, not for you. Don’t belittle what works for us. It took us a LONG time to get here and I’m really proud of where we are.

        2. Women grow up needing to be more organized and focus more on planning. Professionally, every misstep is criticized–so we learn to plan to avoid them. This is part of the reason why we are always the task masters

    12. +1 to anons @10:43 and 10:53. Asking a second time isn’t “nagging.” The whole idea of nagging is obnoxiously gendered and disrespectful. But tone is important, and we have no way to judge that via the internet.

      Also, you’d have to get your husband on board with this as a solution, but it helps me and my husband if (a) he acknowledges that he will do something, and (b) he schedules it on his calendar (which I can view) or tells me when he plans to get to it. I usually give him some cushion before following up. If he hasn’t done it, my husband says, “Oh, sorry, I forgot,” or “I haven’t had time yet, but I’ll do it tomorrow.” He doesn’t accuse me of nagging.

    13. Honestly, if your goal is to stop nagging (leaving aside whether that’s a good goal), one solution is to stop expecting him to do things and therefore stop asking him to do things. Tell yourself that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself (or hire someone to do it), and stop asking things of your husband. That will quell the urge to “nag”.

      1. I think this is the heart of it. I need to stop asking him to do anything. It’s me trying to exert control. This morning it was putting away crap in the living room. I should have either done it myself or let it be. I should not have asked twice. I need to either live with it or not, but there is no changing someone else. Least of all by repeated verbal requests.

        2. It sounds like you need to sit down and have a more serious conversation about these things. Yes, some things you need to let go, but your husband also has the obligation to meet you halfway and compromise. Figure out what you can let go and what you can’t, and go from there. But I would definitely recommend setting aside time for a substantial one-on-one discussion, scheduled ahead of time to prevent having it when you’re already fighting. My husband and I are both type A, take-charge people who don’t take well to being told what to do. But, whenever I’ve sat down and told my husband hey, this is a serious issue for me and this is why, he has been much more receptive and has been much quicker to change behavior than when I’m frustrated at a particular situation.

        3. I’ll push back on this. I think the attitude of “I need to do it myself or let it be” leads to situations where women do almost all the housework. And that will eventually lead to a lot of resentment. Your husband will just learn that he doesn’t have to do anything around the house because you’ll eventually do it yourself or you won’t “mind” that it’s not done.

          I think it’s appropriate in some situations to let things be or do them yourself. Maybe this morning was one of those situations. But I don’t think approaching your whole marriage as, “I just shouldn’t ask my husband to do things,” and “If I follow up on something he said he’d do, it’s nagging” is a sustainable approach. It’s just avoiding communication because the communication between you has been so dysfunctional.

      2. How is that a partnership though? At that point you may as well just get divorced. You can still be friends if you want but if you need to “stop asking him to do things,” you should just be on your own because he’ll only drag you down and create more work for you.

        2. Yeah I have to agree with anon at 12:06. I think I read on here once that a partner should make your life easier, not harder, and that really stuck with me.

        3. To be fair, it’s not really a partnership if one person is always delegating work to the other. The whole dynamic of one partner (usually the woman) asking the other (usually a man) for “help” around the house is misguided. It’s not her job to take care of the house, and he’s not entitled to sit back and do only what’s asked of him. You have to figure out a system where you both do things without having to be asked.

        4. Yes, if your solution is you can never ask your husband to do anything, you should not be married. That’s insane.

        5. In the fabulous book All The Rage, about this issue, she does write about a woman who divorced her husband and found her life much easier. They had kids, and for the first time her ex actually had do to his share of the work, i.e. when they were at his house.

          Between adults who are equals, “tone” is usually a red herring. When someone simply doesn’t want to hear something, no tone is acceptable for that message, and it just puts the burden back on the over-burdened “nagger.”

      3. I agree. I don’t really ask my husband to do anything, although he naturally takes on food shopping, cooking, keeping annuals planted, paying bills, and random other things that interest him. I pay someone to clean and do all the laundry, household paperwork, arranging home maintenance, gifts, etc. Occasionally he will ask me if I have done something, and I’ll respond “No not yet. Could you do it?’

    14. First, you are not the problem. You need a system. I suggest coming to consensus in steps: 1) Do you both agree that task A has to be done.2) If so,do you both agree on the due date and the ramifications of not meeting it e.g. you will owe a big interest penalty if bill is not paid by Dec 1.3) Does he honestly agree it’s his responsibility to complete the task by due date.This is not you assigning but both you looking at the pool of tasks to be done and him accepting that he is actively responsible for that task. Assign the tasks in this way. 4) Set up a date to review outcomes such as the 1st of the following month.Do not jump in and check on how things are going during the month.No “nagging or reminding” . If his tasks were not completed and you do have that big interest bill to pay he will understand the reason why it’s important to meet deadlines and take more responsibility. You are not the police in the relationship.

    15. I agree with the other posters that you may not be “nagging.” But it sounds like you need a way to communicate about tasks. Perhaps you can split stuff up in a way that makes sense.
      Are there things that you think need done, but he doesn’t? In that case, as long as he is not just using that as a front to get you to do everything, you are likely better off just doing it yourself or paying someone to do it. Our recent examples were sealing the marble countertops (something I wanted to do but he didn’t think needed done yet) and putting intense weather stripping on our doors in Southern California (something he wanted to do but I didn’t see the point of). I did the former, he did the latter.
      Also, do these things ever involve joint decisions? If so, ask your husband if he actually wants to be involved in the decision. If not, you can just make the decision yourself and move on. We went through this a lot when we moved into a new place – buying new furniture, etc. If he didn’t want to be involved in a given decision, the deal was he couldn’t complain about the result. (And vice versa for decisions he made without my input.)

    16. How does your husband get things done at work? What is his system? For my husband he has a to do list on his phone. Sounds like he doesn’t take in messages very well if you just verbally give them.

      For my husband and I, we meet once a week and split up the tasks there are for the future and check in about other tasks. Just like one does at work. If there are things that we decide he will do (like buy plane tickets) then it gets added to his list with a due date. Sometimes if there are details he needs (like the amount we need to reimburse a parent at daycare) I then email his to do list those details. (it is connected so I can just send it an email and it auto goes to the list) I don’t just email that list at whim because I wouldn’t want him just adding things to my to do list without asking. At our weekly meetings we check in on how we are doing with stuff and he checks in with me. I trust him that things will get done by the timeline we discussed together, just like how he trusts me. But we do also do check ins at our weekly meeting because life gets busy.

  14. Does anyone have any furniture from Article? I’m eyeing the Sven sectional in leather but they don’t have a showroom for me to sit on and it and see if I like it. They have a ton of reviews but most seem promoted and I trust the Hive more. TIA!

    1. I have and love that couch as do several of my friends. It’s so comfortable that I’m trying to decide if it would be too weird to have two of them in our house in different rooms and different fabrics/patterns.

      1. Ooh good to know! I don’t think it’s weird at all! What material do you have it in?

        1. Cool! Thanks for the affirmation! I think couch 2 is going to the tan leather (my friend has that and it’s gorgeous), I have and love the briar grey – it’s a nubby fabric with some interest, there’s little bits of white popping through the grey so it’s not a single tone. The green velvet is also lovely but sags a bit due to the type of fabric.

    2. We have and like it in camel leather. I took off the round bolster pillows for a sleeker look. The leather is high quality and soft. It’s great in our living room, but we spend most of our time in our open concept family room- so I can’t speak to long term durability.
      If I were to buy it again, I’d spring for the delivery and set up extras. Screwing the legs on the sofa was super easy- we just had a hard time wrestling the giant, dirty, dusty box into our home and then back out for recycling.
      Bonus though- that box was really great for little (and big) kids playing pirate ships.

  15. Bakers: how do you store your cookie cutters? Esp if you have them for different seasons. I had been keeping them in a small Rubbermaid tub about the size of a file box, with each holiday’s cutters in different plastic bags, but it’s unwieldy and unattractive. Open to better ideas! (They normally live in the basement, so being able to grab just that season’s cutters is helpful so I don’t have to carry everything upstairs.)

    1. That’s … a lot of cookie cutters. My first step would be paring down because who needs a file box of cookie cutters?
      Also, if it’s in the basement, why does it matter if it’s unattractive?
      I’m not trying to be contrary, I just think answering those questions could better inform your choices.
      I personally would get one or two big decorative boxex with a close top (Ross/Marshalls always has some pretty but sturdy boxes with fold over tops), then get smaller pop up canvas boxes to stack inside, one square per season/holiday – they have these in varieties of sizes at Ikea and Target.

    2. Yeah, I just have a cardboard file box full of cookie cutters and assorted other related items (squeeze bottles and coloring for icing and such). I don’t really see anything more easy or attractive than keeping baggies of cutters in a box??

    3. In a couple of gallon ziplocs that just live on top of all my other baking stuff on a high shelf in the pantry. I only have Christmas cookie cutters. I can’t imagine having special cookie cutters for every season, but I would imagine someplace like sur la table or William sonoma would be happy to take your money for some kind of fancy cookie cutter storage solution.

    4. OP here. Thanks all. It probably is over 100 cookie cutters, but it’s because I’m my generation’s keeper of Great Grandma’s cookie recipe and I’m asked to make the cookies for every gathering. (The recipe is finicky, like pie crust, so you have to know it to work with it…and I’m the only person in my generation who learned.) I actually don’t have any duplicate cutters and I use all the ones I have. The current storage system was getting out of hand, but maybe some fresh baggies and a slightly larger container will make it work better.

      1. Perhaps try large clear ziplocks? I tend to store odd seasonal things in the 2 gallon baggies and the shape of the bag helps them lay flatter in the boxes.

      2. When I worked at a vet clinic, we had literal hanging files (the pocket kind) with labels for all the instruments. It was genius. You could try this.

    5. There’s no good way. I have mine in a bunch of giant ziploc bags that sit in one of the cabinets, but I am running out of space what with those and then the specialty pans (all of the bundt pans, the mini spring form pans, the lamb cake pan) and the cookie tins, all of which are in those same cabinets.

      I think a closed plastic box that sits in the basement sounds good – perhaps in ziplocs by season within the box?

      1. Your solution sounds pretty good, actually. Your clear bags sound like a good way to sort at a glance. Mine are in cookie tins, but then you have to open them all up to find the ones you want.

        Or, places like Michael’s and JoAnn’s sell various organizers for stamping and other crafting. Perhaps one of those would be what you have in mind? Here’s one with removable dividers. https://www.joann.com/artbin-super-satchel-double-deep-box-with-rose-gold-handles/16053068.html#start=1

    6. You know those gallon-size ice-cream tubs, the kind you buy for a party? They actually hold a lot of cookie cutters! Upcycling for the win. I divide them up by season. I have probably ~50 cutters.

      1. I just had to laugh at the gallon ice-cream bucket description as being for a party :) that’s the only size my dad ever buys ice cream in, and as a result, my parents have an endless supply of ice cream buckets. They are amazing for so many things.

        1. Hahaha, I like how your dad thinks!

          Growing up, we bought a LOT of gallon buckets of ice cream. There were 6 of us, so needless to say, a regular-sized container would be gone in two days.

        2. Are you my sister?! My parents are still working through their stash of Blue Bunny gallon buckets. Makeshift trash cans, moving boxes, dog food containers, barf bowls on road trips. Everything.

          1. alas…i have only brothers :)

            Trick-treating buckets, regular food storage, berry picking, cherry tomato picking, hauling water up to rinse out the gutters. Sand castle molds.

            It’s the size + handle + lid.

    7. What about a few of those Container Store clear plastic boxes? You could have individual boxes for each holiday? They come in various sizes, and all stack together neatly. (I’d put a label on each box one to identify the holiday/purpose, but I’m a little bit of a nerd about organization…)

  16. Hello! Anyone else TTC? I just started a couple months ago, and find the time between ovulating and testing/getting period to be so hard. Any advice on how to be patient/relax?! Thanks all.

    1. Is the typical approach for TTC, absent any known fertility issues, to track and monitor? Or is it to just stop preventing and garden a little more often with regularity? To me the latter approach sounds like fun and fairly stress free. I suppose it does depend on your age/hopeful timeline for kids that precision may be required.

      1. Among my friends, the timeline from “we’re ready and pulling the goalie” to “buying ovulation test sticks” was generally 3 months or less. We’re all Type A…

      2. Not OP but it didn’t sound like she’s necessarily doing a lot of tracking. “Two week wait” is definitely even a thing, even if all you’re doing is gardening without protection.

        1. OP – we are doing tracking with an app and i got an ovulation kit for this last time around. I’m too Type A to just see how it goes. Its frustrating because everything says just to relax, but I find that tough and makes me even more stressed :) I like the advice to just stay as busy as possible. Thanks all!

      3. Here’s the thing: you’re really only “trying” if you are gardening within a relatively small timeframe (five out of every 28 days). Two or three of those days are optimal – others are merely possible. If you tend to miss that timeframe on a consistent basis, you’ll end up with a lot of frustration. This can happen if, for example, you have a 28 day cycle and your most fertile days are Wednesday and Thursday, and by the time the middle of the week rolls around, neither of you are in the mood. You can also run into problems if someone has a business trip during the fertile time one month, then the next month you’re both exhausted, then in month #3 you’re stressed so you don’t ovulate, then in month 4, it’s the right time but you just get unlucky, then someone’s on a business trip in month 5… and suddenly six months have gone by and you can’t figure out why it hasn’t happened yet.

        The flip side is that many women are the most interested, and many men are inexplicably the most interested in their wives, during the fertile phase of their cycle.

        1. This is why doctors tell you to do it every other day when you’re not menstruating, because so many women don’t know their fertile days. It doesn’t solve the business trip issue, obviously. But if you’re physically in the same place, every other day is a good rule of thumb.

          1. I actually hate that advice. For people with lower libidos that don’t “do it” that often, it puts a lot of pressure and stress on the relationship when in reality they only need to do it during the correct week.

          2. +1, this is what we did, every other day. Do you have a good temp chart with a clear rise around ovulation?

          4. Anon at 12:22, I agree that every other day can feel un-fun and restrictive, but I also think the whole process of TTC isn’t that fun for a lot of people. Some people get lucky as soon as they stop using protection, but a lot of people (even people without fertility issues) need to put more effort into it than just having s*x whenever they feel like. Based on myself and my friends, TTC can very quickly become more work than fun, even for those of us who conceived in a “typical” time frame (under a year) and without interventions like IVF.

        2. This. We went 6 months without conceiving and it was just because we were missing my fertile window. Literally the first month that we hit it, I was pregnant.

    2. Stay busy. I went through countless TWWs while going through infertility treatment. Distraction was my friend. I made plans with friends, went for long walks, watched lots of movies, weekend getaways, etc. Don’t give yourself lots of unscheduled time to sit around and think about it.

    3. Best I can offer: pregnancy is a long, LONG slog. It affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally, every single day, and it can sometimes feel like a prison sentence – there’s just no escape until the end. (Sorry, having a very challenging pregnancy right now.)

      I know people say to have sushi and wine, but I really wish I had just soaked in and enjoyed “normal.” I wish I had really enjoyed being able to sleep through the night (my pregnancy meant months of end of sleeping 4-5 hours a night, in stages). I wish I had enjoyed looking at food and not wanting to cry (no nausea, but awful food aversions). I did enjoy everything my body could do before pregnancy – running long distances, having the energy to do great things at work – and cannot express how much I miss it. I really wish I had known how much the hormonal swings would affect my husband and our marriage. Later into this pregnancy, it feels like my body is completely breaking down… the muscles in my abdomen are collapsing.

      Best I can offer as you’re waiting is to be deeply grateful for the “normal” in your life – sleeping, eating, doing well at your job, having a body that is healthy.

      And do NOT TELL ANYONE that you are trying to conceive. The giggles and smug grins when you eat a bean burrito will tear a knife through your heart.

          1. Yep. If you tell people you’re trying, then a day you happen to be bloated from a burrito (but aren’t yet pregnant) you’ll start getting LOOKS. Whether those looks are mildly annoying or agony inducing will depend on how long you’ve been trying and how badly you want to conceive…

          2. I’m the above Anon – yes, exactly what Cat said.

            People will think that ANYTHING means you’re pregnant.
            You got your period and are bloated? Preggo!
            You ate a bean burrito and have a bit of a tummy bulge? There’s a lil’ baby in there!
            You are taking a trip to bring furniture to a relative’s house? Knocked up and making an in-person announcement!

            I am not kidding you – all of these happened to me or people I know, and it’s just f-ing obnoxious. People lose their d@mn minds when there’s a possibility of a baby. People who will flat-out lie about wanting to wait to try, when they are in fact actively trying, just to avoid the pressure. Some women will make a point of drinking far more than they normally do just to avoid the questions.

      2. You make a lot of good points. But I do not get the bean burrito thing. Do people equate that with wanting to have $ex and make babies? I thought eating alot of beans just makes you gassy, which would hardly cause a man to want to have $ex with me and make a baby. If anything, me passing wind in a guy’s face would hardly make me $exy to him, no? What am I missing here?

    4. We tried for several months with the ovulation days and a few other times during the month sprinkled in here and there.

      The month we moved to the once every other day/3 times a week model was the month I got pregnant.

  17. Does anyone live in Dallas? My friend’s husband was approached for a job there and they are wondering if it’s worth it. They are from Boston, he is a dentist, she is in biglaw (M&A). Any advice or opinions? I think they are drawn to the warm weather and COL but not sure what life would be like. I know Houston pretty well but have never been to Dallas.

    1. Think of Dallas as similar culture to Houston but a little flashier, people are a little more insular in terms of their social groups, and the culture is more conservative (Houston tends to lean more progressive and more blue). The city is much prettier and fairly well planned. Housing is cheap compared to Boston – especially if they’re thinking of a close in suburb. He’s a dentist, he’ll always have customers, and Dallas has plenty of big law options that pay east coast salaries.

    2. Dallas is huge. HUGE. The metro area is bigger than all of Connecticut and RI combined. Asking if it’s “worth it” is way too vague to be answered online. Texas needs to be experienced – a long weekend might help them decide.

    3. These two cities are so very different that it’s hard to know where to start with an answer! If they love Boston it is hard to imagine that they will love Dallas…

    4. I’m from Dallas, and the comment talking about the size of the city is true – there is not one “kind” of Dallas experience, and it is a large sprawl. There are younger, hipper neighborhoods, older neighborhoods, more cookie-cutter suburbs, wealthy bubbles, lower-income areas, etc. There are quite a variety of immigrant communities here too (Mexican, South American, Korean, etc.). Be prepared for REAL summer weather (triple digits baby!). Compared to Boston, you’re definitely not going to find the same sense of history – it exists, but not as much a part of the fabric of life. This is a driving city – public transportation use is not the norm. If they have kids and are looking at schools, that will be a huge factor in where they end up, obviously – some folks are very committed to private school education, but I went to public school in DallasISD and had a great experience. The stereotype of Texas being conservative is rooted in truth, but what folks from other places don’t know is that the cities are generally blue, including Dallas.
      Some pros that come to mind – easy access to international airport hub (and Southwest Airlines home base), world-class museums/music tours/concerts, big sports culture (Cowboys, Mavs, Stars etc.), warm weather most months, and people ARE nice (though we drive like crazy people).
      What are their priorities? Access to culture? A certain kind of housing/environment? Weather? I think that will help them make a decision, as Dallas would be a pretty big change from Boston. Also, if they don’t have much exposure to Texas/the south, a visit may be a good idea – we kind of have to be experienced to be understood.
      Happy to answer any questions.

    5. so we made the move from the northeast (nyc/philly/dc) to Houston and it has been a huge adjustment but works well for us so far. we’ve built our life so that we have fairly easy commutes. we could get a much larger home if we were willing to live in the burbs and commute 45 min-hour each way, but we are unwilling to do so. i have heard that Dallas is much prettier than Houston (this is truly the ugliest city I’ve ever visited), but much more insular than Houston and much flashier. if i could choose to live anywhere, Houston is not where I would pick, but for DH’s job our options were the NY area or Houston and so we decided to give Houston a try due to cost of living factors. i do hate having to fly to our families (we have young kids) and for us the flight is far. i have a close friend who lives in the Raleigh/Durham area and her family is in the NY area and the fact that their flight home is so much shorter makes it much easier for them to go for a weekend, whereas we lose almost a whole day traveling. i would think if he is a dentist he could find a job anywhere? if they are looking to leave Boston due to cost and potentially climate, i might consider whether there are other cities that appeal to them more.

    6. It’s not Boston, but I really like Dallas. We have some great museums, like the new, big Perot Museum, and also the smaller quirky ones like the Samurai museum. Pretty good food (a lot of chains actually start here). Several neat neighborhoods (I live right by White Rock Lake and LOVE IT. Some walkable areas in our downtown.

      Dallas is doing a lot to try and make urban living more friendly. Work on food desserts, create parks, etc. I think this trend will keep going.

      Ask more specific questions! Apparently the Dallas ‘rettes need a get-together.

      1. You make a lot of good points. But I do not get the bean burrito thing. Do people equate that with wanting to have $ex and make babies? I thought eating alot of beans just makes you gassy, which would hardly cause a man to want to have $ex with me and make a baby. If anything, me passing wind in a guy’s face would hardly make me $exy to him, no? What am I missing here?

    7. I was in Dallas for 3 days on a conference and liked it. People are nice, the weather is warm and there is a JFK museum on the 6th floor of the Texas school book depository where Lee Harvey Oswald was. There is also a downtown area that is cute. I would work there if I could keep my cleints, but I could not get admitted w/o taking the bar exam, and I do NOT want to have to do that all over again! FOOEY!

    8. Late to post, but I’m in Dallas! I’m also not very familiar with the Northeast so take all this with a grain of salt.
      -Yes Texas is conservative but Dallas isn’t. Suburbs very quickly turn red.
      -Def need two cars with two adults.
      -Summer is truly awful but not quite as humid as Houston, so that helps. Just like anything else, there are ways to deal with the heat. Winters here are great!
      -Lots to do. Major sports teams, museums, good music scene, and as someone else mentioned there are more and more urban parks.
      -So affordable compared to anywhere on the coast. It’s crazy.

  18. Any (literal) gardeners store bulbs over the winter? For the first time, I dug up my dahlias. I also dug up my glads this year as I had planted them shallowly because I planted them late. Everything I read says to store at 40ish degrees, but I don’t know how to achieve that. Our basement is fairly warm because of how our heat is set up. We don’t have a garage or shed – we live in the city. I was thinking of just outside the cellar steps because they have those bilco doors? I feel like that will get colder than 40, though. How much does the temperature matter? Does it matter more about humidity? I understand that dahlias need to stay damp but glads need to stay dry. I’m guessing they might sprout if they stay too warm.

        1. Could you get a mini fridge to keep in the basement? I think you want them cold so they don’t think it’s spring, but not below freezing.

    2. Do you have a crawlspace? Someone who will let you store them in their garage? Wherever you store them, make sure they’re in a paper bag.

      If you can’t find somewhere to put them, you could grow them inside as houseplants–they will follow their own blooming schedule.

      1. Interesting idea! Our third floor is also the attic (most of it is finished) and warm, but there is space inside the walls…intriguing. Maybe I’ll stick a thermometer in there and see what the temperature is like. Our house is over 100 years old and the third floor walls have a crawl space and no insulation. Also will note the minifridge idea. Thanks!

  19. Any recommendations for a Nashville hotel for a women’s weekend for a milestone birthday? I understand Nashville is pretty spread out but we do like to walk and eat do anything centrally located would be a boon. (Other recommendations? Too busy to do much research!)

    1. Depending on how many people there are, I’d go for an Airbnb in The Gulch. Walking or scooter distance to a ton of main attractions, great restaurants and Broadway, and I like to have common space for girls weekends. Definitely try to get a reservation at Husk.

      1. Husk is good and the burger and wings are especially delicious, but with Sean Brock gone it’s not the same as it used to be. Fortunately tons of other great places in Nashville!

        1. Darn, not sure how I missed that! I went when I was last in town in April and am so glad we did!

    2. Depends on what you’re looking for. The Hermitage Hotel is old-school Nashville and very fancy and centrally located downtown. The Omni is new and huge and also in a great downtown location. If you want more interesting – check out The Downtown Sporting Club. It’s right on Broadway and has guest rooms above the bar. I took a tour and can attest that they are totally soundproof which is kind of amazing. If you want closer to midtown or the Gulch area, The Thompson Hotel, the 404 Hotel and the Kimpton Aertson are newish and good choices. If you are on a little bit more of a budget and still want a solid option – The Fairfield Inn in the Gulch is a fantastic location and has a roof bar. If you have a large group, Bode Nashville is supposed to be great for groups and larger style accommodations.

      1. My family stayed at the Fairfield. I wouldn’t recommend it to someone looking to brag about or bask in their accommodations, but we had a great stay and could walk to all the places we wanted to go center-city. We taxied to The Opry and walked to a hop-on-hop-off for the rest. The bar was nice for the end of the night.

    3. The Noelle downtown is gorgeous and has a great rooftop bar if you’re looking for a nightlife scene – the honkytonks are guaranteed to be packed. I would personally probably go to the LA Thompson in the Gulch – close to great restaurants, workout classes, etc. It’s also a ~15 minute walk to downtown so depending on the weather, that’s an option. Many of my favorite restaurants are in 12 South and there are no hotels there unfortunately, so you would have to Uber.

    4. I stayed at the Noelle recently and really liked it. Based on the number of vehicles with large crowds of bachelorette parties rolling through, I think it counts as centrally located. Easy walk to the Gulch or Germantown, which is what I did in my short time in town.

    5. Check out the Dream hotel or the Bobby or the Noelle. All are boutique hotels and all fairly new.

    6. Thank you all!! We are just two and very flexible so I will some price comparison and pick one of these tonight.

    7. Not sure how many people are in your party, but for a milestone birthday, we did the 404, which is one of the lesser known boutique hotels here. It’s in the middle of the Gulch and you can walk to everything and anything. It’s gorgeous and quiet and would stay there every time . . . and we live here, so that’s high praise.

    8. I stayed in the Hayes Street Hotel years ago. It may be a little too out of the way for you. I also had dinner and drink in The Thompson hotel and loved it!

  20. I used to live on the orange line in Arlington and may be getting transferred back. But now I have kids (and a spouse). Like a lot of my military and foreign service friends, I rented my place when I left. I’m not sure, in broad strokes, if it is where people with kids who will use public schools live (north Arlington, Yorktown is the high school but my kids aren’t that old yet and I have no idea what middle schools are or are like)? It is good for commuting into DC (True for me; spouse may work remotely for a while and figure out if that makes sense long term) but none of my Arlington friends are parents and all parent friends live further out in Fairfax County or further west. And housing / schools are a prickly issue so I’d rather ask among strangers who may be candid.

    1. I’m not sure of your question, but any elementary school or middle school zoned for Yorktown will be fine. They are all good schools. How old are your kids and where is your property located?

      Arlington is in the middle of a big elementary rezoning, so you should be aware of those potential changes.

      1. +1 not sure of your q, but anywhere on the orange line has good schools. I live on the orange line and am a big fan. I would not be a happy camper if I had to drive to work in DC traffic.

    2. The schools in Arlington are generally excellent. I imagine folks move further out to get more space, I can’t imagine why else that would be preferable if they are commuting into the District every day.

    3. I’m now an adult with my own young children, but I think the world of Arlington Public Schools. They were really excellent for me, a kid of a single parent (first gen college) who greatly valued education.

      I was in the Yorktown pyramid for elementary and middle, but thrived going to a public high school other than Yorktown. I had imagined myself smart, but not the greatest, from my early experiences. Getting away from my initial peers really helped me feel like I was almost without limits academically.

    4. Schools in Arlington are very good, and depending on the location and your kids, you may also want to consider the specialty schools (Key for Spanish bilingual program, Arlington Science Focus, etc). DH and I are both feds and paid the higher housing price for the shorter commute so that we had more time with our kids. Tons of kids of all ages in our neighborhood, and we really really appreciate all the parks and playgrounds – always one within walking distance. We are in a SFH, but have tons of friends with kids who are in condos, townhouses, and apartments near the orange line. Middle schools are most likely Williamsburg, Kenmore, or Dorothy Hamm, depending on where precisely you live. Gunston is the middle school for Spanish bilingual kids, and yes, they do provide buses to out-of-neighborhood kids who attend.

  21. what are some good brands for warm, non-puffy puffers with hoods? prefer midlength. size 16. going to make a trek to the stores this weekend to try things on for black friday prep and trying to figure out where to go. ok to spend $200-600. Patagonia is on my list… is mackage/soia actually warm or just cute?

    1. Not sure if this is what you are going for, but this jacket is great– Arcteryx LT Atom Insulated Hoodie. (Couldn’t find a link that wasn’t huge.)

    4. Mackage and Soia & Kyo are literally the warmest coats I have and I’ll only pull them out for like -20 weeks in the winter, otherwise my Patagonia down jackets are fine. The women at Saks totally thought that their down coats are warmer than the Canada goose ones. I’d try on as I’m not 100% sure they go up to a size 16 though – the Small is definitely a European Small – so 4-6, not 2-4.
      Eddie Bauer also tends to get a lot of love from Chicago ladies. Arcteryx I’d imagine would also be a serious cold-weather jacket as they are well known for their ski wear.

  22. Where should I go for a birthday vacation in early May? It will be me, my husband and our two year old (she’s a good traveler). We will only have 4-5 days to travel so we probably don’t want to leave North America. We like good food and nice scenery and hope for weather that is mild enough to spend time outside (highs in the 60s or 70s would be ideal). I’m not interested in a beach vacation. Currently, I think my leading contenders are Montreal and Asheville, NC. Other ideas, or votes for either of those two?

    1. Asheville would be great then and good for that length of time. Have not been to Montreal but it may be thawing then? Just something to think about.
      Florida would also be warm enough for you then– St. Augustine/Amelia Island, etc.
      Savannah and Charleston would also be nice, and I think would be fine for children.

    2. Haven’t been to Montreal or Asheville, so cannot compare, but can suggest New Mexico — we went to Hyatt Tamaya (about 30 min from Albuquerque) with a slightly younger kid and it was lovely & relaxing. Great kids museum in ABQ. You could go to Santa Fe, although we didn’t make it that trip. Beautiful area with a lot of outdoor stuff in the area that is easy to access with a young child. We were very pleased with the food at the hotel, although we did not get a chance to try the fancier restaurant, which is supposed to be very good.

    4. I would do Montreal and Quebec City. Like going to France without the long plane flight!

  23. I need help with rage. I’m angry at my spouse, and I don’t know what to do about it.

    I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a decade. We’ve had our ups and downs, and he’s a warm and wonderful guy: kind, funny, easygoing, and a great dad to our three kids. One interesting thing about our relationship is that we come from extremely different backgrounds, and while we do have shared values we definitely also have our share of disagreements. Sometimes I feel as though making our marriage work is harder than it should be — like, if we saw eye-to-eye on politics or hot-button issues, we’d disagree less. Not that we’re talking politics all the time, but it definitely comes up.

    We both work full time jobs. I do have a higher capacity for executive function-type skills than he does and end up carrying the mental load in terms of running the household, but it’s now bordering on ridiculous/unsustainable — so much so that I tend to snap at him for asking small questions, since (in my head) it feels like he’s asking me to do more mental labor than to figure out the answers himself.

    I’ve found myself becoming increasingly angry — and not just upset, but caps-lock-MAD — at him. Ragey. When this happens, he withdraws. We often fight and let time heal the wound rather than resolve things. I honestly don’t know how to share my feelings with him in a constructive way anymore, and my solution to this is to just shoulder the entire household/mental workload burden…which then makes me more mad at him, which makes him withdraw more. It’s a vicious cycle.

    Like I said, he’s a kind and sweet guy — the person who says he’ll help me pick up the house, or put stuff away, but who does it on his own timeline. So by the time he gets around to it, I’ve already long finished the chore. He also just isn’t motivated the way I am; he likes to laze around on the weekends, or work out, and I feel like we need at least some of that time to spend on home maintenance and upkeep. He’s also not particularly demonstrative or thoughtful: he rarely shares his appreciation for the work I handle, even though I know he does appreciate what I do because he’ll say it when prompted.

    I’m at my wits’ end because I don’t know how to talk to him about this — it ALWAYS devolves into an argument. But I can’t spend my life like this, being so angry all the time and feeling as though he and I are not on the same team. I also don’t think this level of rage is normal (my parents were not good role models in this area — my mom was a huge yeller), and I want to be better. Is it me? Him? Some combination? Help.

    1. I’m not sure what you’re expecting to hear, but clearly clearly you need couples therapy to re learn how to communicate with each other. Like, do not bother trying to come up with excuses for why you can’t or it won’t work for you; if you want to save your marriage, make therapy happen.

    2. Does your work have an EAP program? It might help to discuss with someone.
      I’ve used the EAP program to find a good counselor.

    3. I can’t weigh in on the dynamic of your marriage but anytime I find myself moving from mildly annoyed to RAGEY about something that I can usually cope with better, for me, the issue is usually my depression sneaking up on me. Most recently, I was feeling that way at work and on the verge of quitting my job. I went on Zoloft and suddenly everything is much more manageable. Yes, there are plenty of things that are annoying to deal with but I feel justifiable frustration instead of pure rage. Just something to consider.

      1. +1. Depression for me isn’t moping around crying – it’s being short-tempered and wanting to strangle whoever’s bothering me at that moment.

      2. I also have this issue. It’s particularly problematic when I’m feeling overwhelmed in general and more pronounced the few days before my period starts.

      3. Depression or other issues in my life. Pregnancy + poor sleep + stress = my patient, loving husband feeling like his wife morphed into a monster.

        See a therapist, go for a run, make sure you’re sleeping well, get three healthy meals a day, then see if this is still a rage-monster problem.

      4. I’ve never had depression. But when I feel RAGE it’s been hormones (post partum) or sleep deprivation or stress or not exercising enough or something else unrelated to the issue I’m actually rage-y about.

    4. I think you need a consistent counselor, getting ragey at small things is not normal and a sign of an inability to cope with small mishaps or redirect your negative feelings in a healthy way. And you need a couples counselor – but probably only a few sessions so a third party can help you guys articulate to one another what’s really going on. I suggest this because I was in your exact situation – with a spouse similarly laid back and withdrawing at the rage. Having a third party to help get to the base of the issues so you can resolve the wound instead of picking at the scab over and over is what you really need.

      In my situation, we dug very deep and learned that we had incompatibility in terms of what we saw as important and how tasks should be performed. One small example – I see crumbs that he leaves on the counter for me to clean single everyday, and he literally didn’t notice them because he’s not detail oriented in any way, so we resolved on essentially a procedure for him when he’s preparing food in the kitchen that includes a superficial wipe down of the counters, whether he thinks he needs them or not.

    5. OK, I definitely think counseling is in order, to build better communication skills.

      I can identify with being the more motivated one. In this case, I think you have to settle on a few areas in which he takes 100% ownership and you’re not involved, even a little bit.

      Have a weekly sit-down with your calendars and figure out what the priorities are, who needs to be where & when, and hash out any potential disagreement points. Then you can sort of be on autopilot for the rest of the week, because you’ve already both agreed on what needs to be done and don’t have to hash it out in the heat of the moment.

      This is hard, and it is perfectly reasonable to say that you feel the load is completely unequal and not sustainable. Your are overfunctioning; he is underfunctioning — no wonder you’re mad.

    6. I identify with being the one “running” the household and with being more motivated. My husband is also kind and funny and easy-going and great with our kid. One thing that’s helped me is also to take it easy sometimes. I feel better mentally when I take time to relax–reading a book by myself, doing a yoga video, watching a movie with the family, whatever. DH feels better when he has time to pursue his hobbies and relax. Then we work hard together to get work done around the house. We usually take Friday evening off and spend a half-day of each weekend working and a half-day relaxing or doing something fun. (This past weekend, we probably did 7 hours of actual work, plus I folded laundry while watching a movie and drinking wine on Saturday.)

      Also, you mention 3 kids. Depending on their ages, get them involved in the work. We did yard work yesterday for about 2 hours. My 4-yr-old “raked” in the front yard, helped pick up yard debris, and helped spread mulch.

      DH and I also have two weekly sit-downs to figure out our schedule, on Sunday night and Friday at lunch. It helps him to know what projects I’d like to address, and he can curb my expectations if I’m thinking of so many projects that they’d take 20 hours.

      1. And I particularly identified with this paragraph:
        “Like I said, he’s a kind and sweet guy — the person who says he’ll help me pick up the house, or put stuff away, but who does it on his own timeline. So by the time he gets around to it, I’ve already long finished the chore. He also just isn’t motivated the way I am; he likes to laze around on the weekends, or work out, and I feel like we need at least some of that time to spend on home maintenance and upkeep. He’s also not particularly demonstrative or thoughtful: he rarely shares his appreciation for the work I handle, even though I know he does appreciate what I do because he’ll say it when prompted.”
        Counseling may be helpful, but you may need to sit down and calmly talk though it. Also consider if you could ease off the “need” to do things. I tend to do things right away, and would rather just spend my weekend getting a bunch of stuff done, than spreading it out over several weekends, but I’ve learned to compromise. We’ll talk either on Friday night or Saturday morning about the “tasks” we want to do this weekend, and the “fun” stuff we want to do. It is generally somewhere in between what each of us would pick on our own, but that is sort of the point. It has made weekends better for me once I got used to it – turns out I’d actually rather go surfing than forgo that so I can put up a trellis on the patio RIGHT NOW. It also makes household tasks more fun because we can do household things together without tension so think you can cut it with a knife.

    7. Thanks everyone — we already do weekly check-ins and logistics conversations, and our kids help around the house (although that could always be better). I agree that we need counseling and will contact our EAP to figure out how to identify a good therapist. I already eat pretty well, sleep as much as I’m able, and try to achieve workout/life balance — this rage is part of something bigger. The comments on depression are interesting to me and I now have a doc appointment scheduled with my PCP right after Thanksgiving. Thanks again.

      1. Also could be a hormonal imbalance or your body not agreeing with your BC. The angriest I’ve ever been was when I was on the shot. I was filled with rage at a level that was beyond anything I had ever felt. I was just driving through a parking lot one day and just felt a wave of blinding rage and adrenaline rush over me and I suddenly put two and two together that something was going on beyond me being in a bad mood.

      2. I am a rage monster when on any/all forms of birth control. I just am. This is not me minimizing the fact that there were things that were reasonable to be upset about – there were. But my level of rage was OFF THE CHARTS. And then I went off BC, and I felt much more like myself again. YMMV, but something to consider.

    8. How old are you? Because this was me when I hit perimenopause. The rage just comes out of nowhere and gets directed at people or situations that don’t warrant that level of emotional reaction. It’s a lot like being a teenager, actually. Every single one of my friends ages 45+ reports the same thing happening to them. The treatment choices I was given by my OB/GYN were a low-dose antidepressant or drinking more soy milk and hoping for the best. I drink more soy milk and also upped my workout frequency, and that seems to be helping. Weight training in particular really seems to help level out my energy and cut down on the anger rising up unwarranted.

      Counseling will help a lot with communication – my husband and I went to counseling some years ago solely to help us learn to communicate with each other more effectively, and it worked – but the gut-level chemical rage is something else and if you are over 40, I think it’s probably hormonal. Go see your doctor, because he/she may have some ideas on how to help it based on your medical history/existing medications (if any) and they can also do some hormone testing to figure out what might be going on.

      1. Seconding this. Peri-menopause is like adolescence, except you can drink. But the rage – it’s so distressing.

        Best wishes to you.

      2. I’m there too. Closer to menopause than peri. But I can’t figure out how much of my rage is situational (US politics, me too, etc) vs hormonal. I’m basically mad as hell at a lot of things and don’t want to be told it’s all in my head.

      3. Just want to say I am 46 and presumably peri and I am unacquainted with rage. I am not questioning the connection, I am just responding because this is written as if everyone has this as a symptom.

        1. I’ve had this experience and people I know have had this experience. Nowhere in the comment did I say “everyone” has this as a symptom. I don’t know if you’re one of those people who just feels the need to be sanctimoniously technically correct in every instance, or you just felt like being cantankerous today, but either way it’s annoying. Glad you aren’t having the issue, and hope that pointing that out to everyone brought you a tremendous amount of personal satisfaction. SMH. Drink more soy milk, I’m off to drink mine.

    9. Highly recommend Gottman-based counseling and reading the Gottman book.

      I’ve been there and the answer is it’s both of you. What has helped us is individual counseling for both of us, Gottman jointly, and the Enneagram as part of learning about each other. If any of you are versed on it, my SO is a 7 and I am an 8–I am 100% go all the time, never have an off switch. He is chill and relaxed and LOVES to do anything new or fun and avoids pain at all costs. Learning how to communicate well has been invaluable and the Enneagram provided that language. My personal journey through therapy has also made me a bit more chill and I have actually started to enjoy our Saturday “not doing anything.”

      It gets better with work, but you’re showing that you are self-aware enough to flag your own dark spots!

  24. Getting married next year and I’m looking for a knee-length wedding dress – I just don’t want to wear a long gown for my very small wedding. However, all of my searches for “short wedding dresses” online are yielding options that are either not my taste or too casual.

    I kind of have a solution: a lot of French designers have a “civil collection” which is exactly what I want. Laure de Sagazan and Lorafolk are two – I just LOVE these dresses. However, I’m skeptical of making a $500+ online purchase from another country without trying it on first. Any advice on where to get something like this in the US (northeast to be more specific)? Do bridal boutiques carry shorter dresses like this? Anyone have experience ordering something like this and having to return it or exchange sizes? Thanks!

    1. What kind of dress are you looking for? Almost universally, short wedding dresses are going to be more casual and more simple because there is not enough bulk to get in the structure you would normally have in a more formal gown.

      I’d suggest you stop looking at wedding dresses and start looking a formal cocktail attire but narrow down the color to white only, which you can do on most websites.

    3. I bought my wedding dress online from Nordstrom. I actually ordered and tried a bunch of dresses online (all from US retailers), but my advice shopping online regardless of where the company is located is to order early, order a handful of sizes and styles, and be aware of the brand’s return policies. In addition to Nordstrom, I tried some dresses from Anthropologie and BHLDN. Anohter option is to try some items on at bridal boutiques that could be altered. If you are looking for a fairly simple/sleek dress, getting it hemmed to the knee is a relatively easy tailoring job.

    4. BHLDN maybe? They have a section dedicated to “little white dresses.” Not all of them are short but even the long options are subdued.

    5. Laure de Sagazan has a New York location if that’s an option for you. BHLDN has some decent short options, and some bridal stores will carry some short styles, but it’s not the majority. I got married in France, so I had a civil ceremony with a short “civil ceremony” dress from Sessun Oui, which was great and pretty affordable (I’m actually selling it it that’s something you might be interested in!). If they don’t ship to the US, there are various services that will ship internationally for you but returns might be hard. I also seem to recall ASOS having some short bridal options.

    7. There are stores in the US that sell short white dresses, but the aesthetic of these dresses is *very* French. I think you’re going to have a hard time finding something similar in the US. I would just get one online (assuming they allow returns) and plan to have it tailored.

    9. BHLDN is the one place I went to actually try on dresses in person. I agree they have some simpler gowns that are really nice!! And omg I do have a price tracker on for Paris as a dream – difficult to fit that in with work and another upcoming vacation :( This “very French” style is ultimately what I want so I am going to look into shipping policies. I can definitely do a day trip to NYC to see Laure de Sagazan! But please list any and all other designers I might want to check out! I may just pull the trigger and order this: https://lorafolk.com/categorie-braderie-courte/robe-billie-2/

      1. If you’re day tripping to NY, you should make an appointment at Kleinfelds. Yes, there will be annoying people who go there just because of Say Yes to the Dress, but there are also lots of other women who go there. Their selection is enormous, so I feel like if you’re going to find a short wedding dress at a traditional bridal store in the US, it’s probably going to be there.
        Another option would be looking into getting a dress custom designed. My sister found a guy in Greenwich CT to make her dress to the exact vision she had in her mind, and since it was a relatively simple design she wanted, the price was on par with what we were looking at in various bridal salons. I think she spent around $2K, including all alterations. Since you are looking for a short dress, which would be less fabric, that would presumably be less $$$.

    10. Shouldn’t you look at the return policy for the designers you’re interested in to answer this question?

    11. Have you looked at Theia? They had a whole bunch of classic styled shorter white dresses when I look a couple years ago. I bought one that was just below the knee, high scoop neck, neck, cap sleeves, matte satin bodice, beaded/rhinestone faux belt, and a slightly fluffy tulle skirt. Definitely wedding-y without being a full on gown. It was lower in the back, but cut so I could wear a normal bra. I bought it on sale online at Saks, on sale.

  25. What are people wearing under cardigans/open front sweaters these days? Silk (or fake silk) shells feel very dated to me. My workplace is casual enough for dressier t-shirts but I’d like other options.

    1. blouses, pop-over shirts, button-front shirts, t-shirt styles that aren’t t-shirts (e.g., linen t-shirts, silk t-shirts, etc.), close-fit sweaters (rib-knit or tissue-knit), peasant tops. If you feel stuck, why not wear your typical pants/cardigan outfit to one of the stores you usually shop in and just try on a whole bunch of different tops — you’ll discover options you wouldn’t have thought of otherwise.

    3. TBH I’m no longer wearing cardigans and/or open front sweaters. I might keep one on the back of a desk chair as a office blanket, but not wearing in real life. Real sweaters, all sorts of long-sleeve blouses, love a mock neck, love cool details or a cool sleeve but not going for anything button-down or half placket with buttons.

      1. Yeah, I feel like cardigans themselves aren’t particularly popular right now. I’m wearing sweaters like the Tippi over silk blouses instead (not regular button front shirts, as those tend to be stiff and rumply under sweaters).

        I am seeing some sweater blazers, in which case they’re worn over a plain but nice t-shirt type top. Boatnecks look nice with them IMHO.

  26. How do you store and organize home files? And how do you manage it all without letting it take over your home? Lately I’ve been inundated with investment account updates, charitable giving receipts, that kind of thing. Not to mention stuff like tax returns, appliance manuals, home contracts and sale information.

    I’d like to go digital as much as possible, but it seems like I need to keep at least a few physical copies… or do I? What do you do?

    1. Go entirely digital for things like investment account updates and receipts (can’t imagine keeping hard copies of those). Same for appliance manuals. Have at least 2 digital back-ups.

    2. Tax returns, deeds, mortgage documents, marriage license, you should keep the originals. Everything else, scan and organize them in folders on your computer with a cloud back up.

    3. As much as possible, I keep it digital (things like receipts for donations just get sent to email and I can search to find them). But a lot of it you also just don’t need. Given the change in tax law, we’re not going to claim deductions for donations anyway, so I don’t bother saving the receipts if I donate to Goodwill or something like that. I only save the appliance manuals for really major things like the washing machine. I never look at the rest anyway, or I can find what I need online. All my bank statements are digital and the bank saves 7 years online so I only bother downloading the end of year IRA statements (if you have a more complicated financial life you might need more, but you should still be able to keep it digital). There really aren’t that many paper things I actually need and they pretty much fit in one shoebox sized box. I don’t bother sorting because it’s easy enough to just flip through and find what I need on the very rare occasions I actually need one of those pieces of paper (selling the house is pretty much the only time I’ve needed them).

    4. Funny you should ask. I was just looking at my low tech system this weekend and wondering if it would help people here. I have a decorative open box on my kitchen table that I throw things in that need a short term home. That could be a bill due in the next month, a receipt for something I’m going to return, a coupon, etc. Then I have a bigger decorative box that closes that I keep on the bottom shelf in my dining room. Once every couple months or so, I go through the box on my kitchen table and move things over that now need a long term home. An insurance policy for example. Once a year or every other year (or when the box is full) I go through the box in my dining room chucking all the things I no longer need. Info on a car I have since traded in for example. The boxes are where things end up dumped anyway and it keeps it corralled until I need it or purge it.

    7. I have a binder for house-related stuff. It was actually created by the prior owner and left for me when I bought the house. It’s a great idea – she kept receipts/estimates/contracts from major repairs so I know who to call if, say, the roof that was just replaced 5 years ago starts to leak. As a first time homebuyer with no local family, I appreciate the ready-made list of contractors and handymen so I don’t have to figure out who to call. The binder also includes things like appliance manuals and warranty info. I’ve kept it updated and I plan to pass it along to the next owner when I’m ready to sell.

Comments are closed.