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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 463 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Madison Stretch Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This Leota dress is really lovely. Polka dots can be a little too twee for some people, but I think this particular example looks great. I like the self-tie at the waist, too. At $128 — and hand washable — this looks like a good option for work. It only has a few reviews so far, but they're very positive. It's available at Nordstrom, and Leota.com has the plus-size version. Madison Stretch Sheath Dress Update: This dress has now sold out at Nordstrom, but Bloomingdale's has it in navy. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected].

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’m getting tired of picks that are already sold out. I think Kat is planning these posts too far in advance.

      • Anonymous

        Yup. And if it’s sold out at Nordstrom why even bother mentioning Nordstrom in the post?

    • Legally Brunette

      Pro tip: if you like something at Nordstrom but it is not in your size, just add another size to your wishlist. Every morning I quickly check my wishlist and click on that particular item to see if my size is back in stock. Invariably, if you wait a few weeks, it will be. And as a bonus, it will usually be on sale if it’s just one of a few sizes (or only size) that comes back in stock.

      • Ellen

        Or, like me, you can get a personal shopper to get stuff and hold it for you in advance, so that you will always have everything you need if and when you decide to take it. Of course, you need to buy it thru the shopper, but you can always have the shopper return it and credit your account. I have this at L&T and Rosa has it at Nordstom’s in White Plains. When Nordstrom opens up on 58th street, I won’t have to worry, and can walk there from my new apartement on the West Side, once they build it for me! YAY!!!

    • Ella

      Yeah, you should seriously ask for your money back, you’ve been so wronged by this. The injustice of a tagging to a store where it’s sold out- unacceptable. For this free site.

    • Anonymous

      Agree, on both counts!

      I actually have moved towards a minimalist color palatte with lots of black/white/grey/navy, but have also collected a nice assortment of simple classic prints in black and white blouses and dresses that work with my various toppers. This dress is right up my alley.

    • Parfait

      I really like Leota dresses – they fit me really well. But the fabrics are not as nice as I would hope they would be for the price point. They’re kind of thin and chintzy. I would still buy, but only on a steep discount.

  3. Baconpancakes

    This morning’s walk from the parking lot has convinced me it’s time to bite the bullet and stop wearing loafers in the snow. (I have snow boots, but they are overkill for walking from the car to the office, and ankle boots seem like a good idea regardless.)

    What are your favorite low-heeled ankle boots with removable insoles? Bonus points for black leather with no laces!

    • Kerry

      You’re in Boston, right? Come to the dark side. Wear boots (I go with slip on LL Bean boots + wool socks in mild snow like today, full on Sorels in messier now). Bring your other shoes in a bag or keep them in the office. You’ll just ruin your nice new ankle boots with parking lot salt/ice melt.

      • Baconpancakes

        Omg no! I wouldn’t make it in your weather! I’m in Virginia. The streets are perfectly clear without salt, because it’s exactly 30 degrees outside, and the snow melts the minute it touches the asphalt. It’s actually perfect playing-in-the-snow weather today, and the snow is gorgeously crunchy, and I’m really sad I have to adult and be at work.

      • Blondo

        Someone recommended these before Christmas – probably you, Wanderlust! I wore them in Chicago over the weekend, and they are warm, dry, comfortable and stylish. Just perfect.

    • anon

      I finally bit the bullet and bought a pair of Aquatalia booties when they were on sale on Zappos. I never spend more than ~$125 on shoes, so this was a huge leap for me, but they’re worth every penny. With a pair of Superfeet insoles (no need to remove the existing insoles first), these are almost as comfortable as sneakers. I wear them all day every day, including my commute with significant walking. And they look good with both skirts and slacks. I tried both the Fire and Fedorah styles in plain black leather and they both great. The difference in feeling compared to the quality of shoes I usually buy is remarkable.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I have invested in multiple pairs of Aquatalia and La Canadienne booties and boots that are excellent quality and weatherproof. All bought on deep discount / on sale. All lasting for many years and comfortable to wear all day.

        They have also changed my approach to shoe buying. In some cases, especially if you have problem feet, or spend s lot of time on your feet, you discover that sometimes you really do get more for your money.

        I buy classic, simple, black, basic styles.

      • Anonymous

        This is me except my Aquatalia booties came from a Last Call sale rather than a Zappos sale. I wear them most every day in the winter unless there’s a real blizzard requiring real boots.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I have a pair of nine west ones. They initially were uncomfortable but I put some Dr. Scholl’s inserts and they are great now. They have a buckle on the side and a 2 inch? block heel. While I’m in a much snowier climate, I wear them for the same purpose. I park a few feet from my office door but when there are several inches of snow on the ground, I can’t just run in with loafers on. Plus my feet were getting cold throughout the day. I wear these boots a ton now.

      My mom also gets mail order catalogs where she used to buy my grandmother clothes and now buys herself clothes. It is definitely geared to the older set. I think it is Blair and Haband? I ordered these flat ankle boots for myself in black and brown. Unfortunately, they ran very small in the toe box and I had to send them back and go up a size and width. I don’t have the new pair yet so I can’t say if the fit will now work but they were nice in person. They are very light. If you have narrow feet, these might work well for a cheap fix.
      http://haband.blair.com/p/footwear/womens/boots/sno-country-double-zip-ankle-boots/pc/3606/c/3618/sc/3626/138923.uts?store=18&count=500&q2=3618~Womens&q1=3606~Footwear&intl=n&q=*&q3=3626~Boots&sc=N&x2=c.t2&x3=c.t3&x1=c.t1

      They are not real leather but I could not find any other near flat ankle boot I liked.

    • anon

      I don’t know exactly what Blondo does to the boots but you can pry my pair out of my cold dead hands. I got the Nelli booties this year, but they have a ton of good-looking flat styles. They are warm, comfortable, have rubber bottoms and salt and water doesn’t seep into the nubuck or seams whatsoever. Anything that gets the outside dirty can be wiped away easily with a damp cloth. I live in Minnesota and have gotten absolutely sick of schlepping my pile of boots to the cobbler for salt stain removal, and these have changed the game for me.

      • Anon

        Honestly, it surprises me that many on this site wear the very bulky, heavy (not very attractive…) boots…. appropriate for the ski slopes …. when you can buy some very sleek and comfortable weatherproof boots/booties that you can even get away with wearing all day if needed.

        Let’s admit that most of us are not stomping through a foot or two of snow during our commute, yes?

        • Anonymous

          I have a vegan pair of Sorel Joan of Artic knock-offs. I think they are cute, comfortable, and warm. I also don’t care what people think about my choice of footwear. People like different things.

        • lawsuited

          I actually wear my winter boots mostly for the traction on ice. I’m stomping through snow once or twice a week, but I’m dealing with ice all the time. If it’s not snowy or icy, I wear regular shoes with socks or tights.

    • Anonymous

      Dermatology Associates of Western Connecticut has several offices in Fairfield County. I’ve been seeing Dr. Knispell for 10+ years.

    • Katie

      I have done Botox with her, but my dermatologist, Cybele Fischman is in FiDi (on lower Broadway) and does quite a bit of Botox. I generally like her a lot.

  5. Anonymous

    How do you lessen contact with parents? I’ve been trying to pursue this and am receiving pushback, through frequent and aggressive communications. (I don’t want to get into specific reasons for pursuing this. Let’s just say it’s necessary for my well-being.) I know that lesser contact may be difficult for them to accept. I realize that I don’t have to read them, although I’ve struggled to truly accept this and act accordingly. I’ve see some posts about this over the years, and I’d love advice if you’ve been through something similar.

    • Anonymous

      How much do you contact them now, and what do you want to move to?

      Do you have other siblings?

      • Anonymous

        I do have a sibling, who is in closer contact with them. I’m sure this doesn’t help.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t reply. This is your boundary. It’s not about them, it’s about you.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). They don’t have to accept it, it’s not up to them to decide how much contact you have with them. Don’t engage with them.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Over the last year, I have pulled back from my dysfunctional parents. My mother routinely still calls twice a week (on a schedule). I went from answering only one of those phone calls to answering none. Now I call her back at my convenience/desire. I mostly call back to let my mother speak to my son. The call usually lasts from 3-5 minutes. I also delete, without responding, to any and all emails from my mother. (My father is a non-issue because he has only called me 3 times in my life and never picks up the phone when I call…my mother always does).

      It’s not easy but it’s possible. I’m much happier with my limited contact. Set your boundaries. You’ll get through it.

    • anon

      I think you set the boundary by not responding unless you want to. If you open the topic/have a conversation about it, you’re opening the door to discussion even if that’s not your intent. You need to lay down the law. You don’t want to talk to them at a particular time, then just don’t.

      In my experience, when I made a change that parents didn’t like they lashed out but eventually got used to the new normal and things settled down.

      • Anon

        Yep. At the end of one contact, you say “This was great! I’ll call you on Tuesday!” and then don’t answer the phone, don’t respond to texts, have an errand to run if they stop by, etc. Call them on Tuesday and set your next time.

        If it’s other people like siblings giving you feedback, just change the subject and hang up or leave if they won’t stop. “Oh, that’s between me and mom, thanks though!” “I’ve already talked to Dad and told him when I’ll come by. Thanks though!” “Nope not ignoring them, they know exactly when I’ll call them next! Thanks though!”

        I know you want to explain to them why aggressive communication is counter to their goal, but that’s not going to work. Set a time that you’ll contact them again, stick to that time, and don’t worry about.

        They might try to go to fake emergencies next. You know your tolerance and circumstances here, but if you have siblings, trust that a call from your mom saying “Call me back now please! It’s about your dad! I’m worried!” isn’t something to worry about unless you also have messages from siblings with actual details of an incident. Vague worries or concerns are not emergencies. “Dad is being rushed to the hospital, meet us at Elsa Medical.” is actionable. “You have to call Dad asap, Mom’s in trouble!” is not. (Because odds are about zero that the emergency is something only you can fix. They either need to call 911 or the siblings/ neighbor/ family friend is able to act just as quickly as you are.)

        • Anon2

          This seems like a pretty good script, but I’d leave off “Thanks though.” That would seem to encourage the sibling to continue to bring up issues about the parents. It sends a mixed message to say it is between the OP and parents and then thank the sibling for butting in. Also not sure about what doesn’t warrant calling back. I guess you have to know your family but “Mom’s in trouble” seems to warrant a call.

          • Anon

            You can insert whatever feels like a natural ending to the convo for your family. In my family, an abrupt subject change is rude, so saying “Thanks though” is sort of an acceptable way to say “subject closed”.

            Yes “Mom’s in trouble” warrants a call in normal families. In families that can’t “accept” lesser contact, it’s a pretty common manipulation tactic. But even think about it in your normal family. What could that possibly mean? They will be more specific – “Mom got bad news from the doctors” or “Mom got a speeding ticket” or “Mom and Dad had a fight”. None of those are emergencies that warrant additional contact to a parent you’re trying to contact less often. Mayyyybe “Mom got bad news from the doctor” but again, that’s best saved for a convo where you have hours to devote to the handwringing or the detailed analysis or the next step planning. It’s not a quick phone call at work with parents who don’t respect boundaries.

    • Anon phone user

      Carolyn Hax recommends putting them on a regular schedule that works for you. So if you’d rather just talk to them every Sunday, tell them that’s what you are going to do. Then if they try to contact you at other times, you can say, “I can’t talk now, but we can catch up on Sunday.”

      • Anonymous

        +1. Unless there’s something going on that needs my active intervention that day, I only call on Sundays and generally just don’t answer other days. That’s all I can handle from this particular parent for my own sanity. It took a few weeks of missed calls but now my dad doesn’t call during the week. Other siblings are still responding to multiple daily calls.

    • Flats Only

      I think being predictable helps too. If they know you’ll call weekly, email monthly, or whatever, they may (no guarantees) find it easier to get used to. If they’re the type to SWAT your house if you don’t answer the phone, perhaps a mantra of “mom, I can’t talk right now but I’ll call you on Sunday” every time they call, and then the promised call on Sunday, would work.

    • Anonymous

      I like the idea of doing a schedule. I’m not ready to do this yet, due to concerns that clarity would cause more problems. (Talking weekly is too frequent for me.)

      • Anon

        Don’t tell them your schedule. Just tell them the next time you’ll call or see them. “I’ll call you a week from Tuesday” is an acceptable answer. “I’ll call you the week after next.” is too. You can even say “I’m going to be busy, so you likely won’t hear from me for the next week or two. Don’t worry, I’ll call you after that.” (even if you plan to call 3-4 weeks from now). This is Step 1 to setting the boundary without giving too much clarity.

        There’s a subreddit called “Raised by Narcissists” that might help you, even if your parents aren’t narcissists in the strict sense of the term. It has lots of book recommendations and practical advice on how to set boundaries with family members, and most importantly, on how to feel comfortable YOURSELF with setting and keeping boundaries.

    • Anonymous

      I tried to lessen contact with my dysfunctional parents during a very rough time in my life when they were being quite cruel, and it caused them to ramp up their behavior and contacts even more, which caused me to retreat more, ad infinitum. Because of this, I wound up cutting off contact completely, even changing my phone number.
      Happy ending: after 7 years (!!!) of no contact, we all mellowed out, got an EXCELLENT family therapist who treated us separately for over a year before holding a few family sessions and getting us very gradually back in contact with boundaries respected on all sides. With her help, my parents recognized how harmful their behavior was, and I was able to let go of a lot of resentment and dysfunctional behaviors of my own. We are now fairly close again and they are very careful not to step on boundaries and risk the newfound relationship.

  6. Equal pay for equal work

    So over the weekend, I was chatting with a friend about the Wahlberg/ Williams pay issue. Our main emotion was surprise that a star like Michelle Williams would even agree to $80 per day of reshooting. Heck, my cleaner would charge more than that for 5 hrs work. We don’t know anything about how Hollywood works, or whether she was obligated to accept whatever the agency negotiated (hard to swallow). And we’re not into victim bashing.

    But honestly, when such talented and strong women accept such ridiculous pay, they’re setting themselves up for a fall. I mean, this is Michelle Williams, not some nobody.

    Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      My thought is that she supported the decision to reshoot and wanted to show her support in a tangible way. I don’t think she doesn’t know how to negotiate and I don’t think she set herself up for a fall or indeed that she fell at all. She decided to do this, and I don’t see where you get off judging her for it.

      • Anonymous

        +1. MW made a decision to go with the better optics (and therefore not profiting off of Kevin Spacey being a creepy dude) of taking the per diem like the rest of the cast.

    • Lydia

      well, technically it wasn’t pay at all, it was a per diem. I think the idea was she was doing it for free, as a goodwill gesture. I’m pretty sure Ridley Scott also didn’t paid. There were some interview panels where they talked about it, and Mark W conveniently didn’t show up so he didn’t lie on record about it… but it was clear that Michelle’s impression was that everyone was doing it for per diem only. Of course, this only makes Mark W that much more of a sleaze….

      • Ck

        Interesting…. Thanks for this clarification. It changes everything, doesn’t it?

        • AIMS

          But does it? Because what if the situation was reversed and MW had negotiated an extra $1.5 M and Marky Mark did it for free? Would we all be saying “good for her, no one should be judging her for knowing her worth” or whatever?
          I am not a fan of MM and I do find him to be a condescending a** most of the time, just genuinely curious.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah I find Mark Wahlburg gross in general but I’m not sure negotiating extra pay makes him a sleaze. Sounds like he or his agents were just doing their jobs well.

          • Anonymous

            Agreed. Trying to murder a Vietnamese immigrant gets ignored, wanting to make what he can get for doing more work because of someone else’s misconduct gets him pilloried.

            I think MWilliams did nothing wrong in working for free and MWahlberg did nothing wrong in negotiating hard.

          • Equal pay for equal work

            I don’t like Marky Mark either but he seems to have done a good job negotiating. Whether that makes him a sleaze or not….I don’t think so.

            Williams decided to play by the rules (don’t we all?) and accepted peanuts in return.

            It’s like how men are upfront at work about wanting a big bonus and women usually assume they’ll get paid if they do good work and don’t open their mouths.
            Guess who gets paid? The people who aren’t ashamed to ask!

            Sometimes I do think we only have ourselves to blame when we don’t advocate for ourselves.
            And I’ve fallen into that trap too.

          • Anonymous

            Whoever negotiated extra money here would be profiting off of Kevin Spacey’s bad actions.

            My understanding is that all the actors (so, more than just MW and MM) involved in reshoots were going to take a per diem since they were re-shooting because Kevin Spacey was pulled and recast after filming, I think anyone who went against that agreement would look like odd. And from what I’ve read, MM agent had every reason to know about that plan.

          • Anon in NYC

            I really don’t have a problem with Mark Wahlburg asking to be paid for his time. Other people may have agreed to do it for a per diem or for free, but there was nothing wrong with asking to be compensated for time you could have spent on other projects where you were getting paid. I don’t think this one thing makes him a sleaze.

          • Cc

            The nuance here is the reason for the reshoots- it wasn’t because of a film issue. It turned out one of the stars was exposed as a predator. Ridley Scott says look- I can’t pay everyone what they should make because this is going to be insanely expensive, but I think we should get rid of Kevin spacey. Williams says I agree – it’s morally correct to remove him from our film. Walberg says I don’t care- pay me. Walberg made them choose between keeping spacey or paying him. For example, if Williams said I also want to be paid, then the movie either has spacey in it or isn’t realeased at all. So final verdict is that walberg is sleezy here.

          • Lydia

            I think another issue is that Mark W wanted more money because he believed they were using his name/fame to sell the movie overseas especially, and he didn’t think he was paid enough the first time around. So he wasn’t so much “asking to be paid ‘fairly’ for his time” as “leveraging an unfortunate situation to get the pay he thought he should have gotten before” (though he did accept the lower salary prior). this seems more sleazy to me. Of course, like anon points out, the attempted murder of the vietnamese immigrant is obviously a worse mark on his dim record.

    • Anonymous

      It was different from her normal paycheck for a film. You can’t put the blame on her for.

    • Anonymous

      Aren’t reshoots accounted for in the original movie contract? That’s what is sounded like to me. Mark’s original contract said he’d make X for the movie and Y if they needed reshoots. Even before the whole Kevin Spacey thing.

    • Anonymous

      Women usually do not know how to ask for more money. She needs a new agent.

      • Coalea

        Interestingly, she and Mark Walhberg are represented by the same management company.

    • Betsy

      If anyone is interested in an inside baseball perspective on this, Lainey Gossip has a podcast called “Show Your Work” and this week’s episode Covered the issue extensively. One of their major points is that the studio is getting off way too easy in this conversation. The studio was aware of the major discrepancy in pay and decided to allow it. They should have known better.

  7. Resume Under One Page HELP!

    How do you guys determine what to take off to make your resume under a page? I’m 26 and in grad school and will be adding two new jobs in the next year (summer fellowship and new RA position) so I know I want to keep those but I’ll have some publications this year I will want to add. I’ve had several internships/jobs and most of them are relevant to my career but if CEOs and execs can have their resumes under a page, I’m sure I can. Any tips?

    • Anonymous

      An RA position doesn’t belong on your resume unless you’re going into something relevant.

    • Anonymous

      If you have publications, you might need a CV instead.. in which case, exceeding one page makes sense.

      • OP

        I already have a CV with almost everything on it but wanted to create a one-page resume – perhaps I don’t need one? I guess this might be an industry/job-specific question? I’m in biomedical research if that helps.

        *Also to clarify, RA is Research Assistant – not like a dorm RA – and its relevant research in my field

        • lost academic

          A CV for academically oriented biomedical jobs in industry is still probably better but I’d talk to someone involved in that process, there are probably order and formatting guidelines specific to that area. A non-research oriented job would be resume instead.

    • Anon

      Try summarizing all unpaid experiences in a single bullet, rather than identifying each one. I have a 1-page resume (lawyer, 10-years out of school) and keep in that way by consolidating short-term / unpaid projects. I have a header for Pro-bono projects and one for Internships and Fellowships, with very brief descriptions.

      Take RA off – being an RA is almost certainly irrelevant to whatever paid work you might be seeking. Highlight your publications if you’re looking for work in that field.

    • Anonymous

      Publications go on a CV. You’re probably putting irrelevant experience on your resume. You don’t have to put every job you’ve ever, just ones that are significant to the job you’re applying to. You should be tailoring your resume and cover letter for each job application.

    • Kate

      You create an “other experience” section for anything you can’t bear to remove but isn’t directly relevant. Don’t put bullets under this stuff, include it only to show no gap in employment. Unless your RA experience is directly relevant, it doesn’t belong. Publications belong on a CV, not a resume. If you’re applying to jobs where your publications are directly relevant (if you are applying for corporate jobs, they are likely not), you can go over a page but create a separate page/section for publications.

      List only accomplishments, not a laundry list of responsibilities/job duties.

      I’m 34 and an exec level. I have a few degrees and certifications that have to be listed, 5 different titles at one org, 4 relevant jobs and 2 fairly irrelevant ones. My resume is a page, easily, with no funny margins or font trickery.

      • Kate

        I see RA is research assistant. I had this role a while back- it’s now “other experience.” But I’m in corporate, not actively researching.

        Leave all your publications in a section or separate document.

    • Pompom

      Think about past work experience, and whether any of the descriptions you would list are obvious, commonplace, or so simple/irrelevant to your target work that you can omit or dramatically scale them down. Then do so. Think of it this way: if a layperson/someone in your industry can close their eyes and generally imagine what your job title does (teacher, waiter, nurse, counselor, etc.), you might have license to skip the obvious and sum up only the relevant and above-and-beyond details. YMMV.

      When creating descriptions, focus on the verbs, which can follow you job-to-job, rather than work/sector-specific nouns, which often do not follow you. Remember to put yourself in the shoes of the hiring manager: if client contact is not important at all to them, them there’s no need to speak endlessly about customer service/client contact, even if it comprised a substantial amount of your work. Focus only on the transferrable.

      If you have many publications, consider creating an author page somewhere online, and simply list “Publications available at: url” somewhere that makes sense on the document.

      I read RA as research assistant, not resident advisor (…I work in higher ed; context I guess!), and this is absolutely relevant, so find a shortened way to list it. The skills and, it seems, the subject matter are relevant, so I’d have a brief one-liner like “Conducting research, analyzing findings, and drafting and delivering briefing materials (or whatever you do) in area of chocolate teapot manufacturing and design.” One line, simple, and doesn’t go into detail that the reader simply may not need.

      I know a lot of ladies here have had bad experiences with their own career advising offices in law and other fields, but there’s been a big move in the field to really up the professionalism, development, and education of people in those offices. They aren’t a bad place to start, if you have one available.

    • Violet

      If you have biomedical experience/publications + grocery clerk/other store manager experience +tutoring/TAing experience/publication, for example. Remove the experiences that aren’t directly related to what the purpose of the CV/Resume is & have multiple CV/Resumes that include the relevant information.

      Anything in academia/research will require you include publications, prioritize those from the journals with the highest impact factor and head the section with: “select publications & conference presentations [if applicable]”

      Also, I’d suggest, maintain a document that has all of your experiences–RA, volunteer, intern, job, training etc, as a record for yourself. I’m glad I do, eventually so many things to remember!

    • Nesprin

      What field are you going after? Postdoc/academia requires a full CV with essentially everything you’ve ever done listed on it. Mine is 7.5 pages. The professor is in has some really good breakdowns.
      On the other hand Industry benchwork or Project Management requires a more standard resume.
      FYI I’m currently a postdoc and my 1.5 pg resume has these sections:
      2 sentence summary,
      education with thesis title,
      work experience where my graduate work etc is listed with accomplishments in each job
      honors and grants
      teaching if relevant or communication experience elsewise
      publications abbreviated to # of pubs/ # conference pubs and 1-3 relevant to job posting
      Skills- targeted to the job, I list a big class like molecular biology followed by keywords, like PCR, western blot etc.

  8. Anonymous

    What kind of clothing would be appropriate for a small Catholic funeral in California? I don’t think the sleeveless blue maxi dress I normally wear to funreals will cut it.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think a sleeveless blue maxi dress is ever appropriate for a funeral. Black or dark colored dress, with sleeves, minimum.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        At a funeral, you want to just blend in, and look neat, and formal enough to show you put some effort in out of respect.

        A maxi (navy or cobalt?) dress doesn’t blend in and generally sleeveless in winter is also not great….even in California….unless it is under a blazer etc.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I would never wear anything to a funeral that I might also wear to the beach.

      • Anonymous

        Well, it’s long and very dark blue, and it has been on the formal side of blending in for the ones I have worn it to. But I’m not claiming it will be appropriate in every situation, hence the question.

        • Anonymous

          Please just never wear it to a funeral again. Sleeveless Maxi dresses are on no side of formal ever.

          • Anonymama

            Eh, nowadays maxi just means long, a long dark blue dress is not inappropriate for a funeral, sleeveless or not.

      • Anonymous

        Seriously not. I asked a straightforward question which no one has even attempted to answer!

        • Anonymous

          You wear a knee-length black sheath dress with either sleeves or a cardigan on top.

        • Anonymous

          Uh the first response gave you the answer? A black or dark colored dress with sleeves. No one else has weighed in because that’s it. It’s really that easy.

          • workingmomz

            yeah and if you don’t have that then black pants of some sort and a muted top

    • Anonymous

      California runs casual but the dress you describe is not appropriate even here, so I’m having a hard time envisioning a funeral where it would be appropriate.

      • Anonymous

        Seattle, Mormon, and very grandchild-centric, if your genuinely asking. But since that’s what I’m familiar with, I need advice on what to wear for other occasions with different culture.

        • Anonymous

          Catholic is not really a different culture.

          As already stated – dark color, simple dress with sleeves, normal length, simple accessories.

          • OP

            If it weren’t different than what I’m accustomed to, I wouldn’t be getting so many responses telling me my “normal” is all wrong.

        • Triangle Pose

          What is a “grandchild-centric” funeral? Wear black, not any other color. Something more formal, like a sheath dress or black cashmere sweater and black slacks if you don’t want to wear a dress. Do not ever wear a maxi dress or anything you’d wear to a beach to a funeral. Everyone has pretty much answered you.

          • AIMS

            I am interpreting grandchild-centric as this being acceptable for a young grandchild, as in this is a younger person asking a question who has mainly attended funerals for grandparents before where you could wear a maxi dress in a dark color. I think rules for people in high school may be different in some places and as you get older, you need to reassess, which is what OP is doing.

          • OP

            Actually, when I said, “grandchild-centric”, I meant that the ambiance is very family-friendly. No one batted an eye at parents walking around bouncing fussy babies, even during the service. After we left the chapel, there was the amount of running, crying and spills you would expect from a dozen toddlers playing together.

            But other than that–yes, I am trying to reassess because I know the rules are different. In this case, there are a couple of inevitable funerals coming up in DH’s family, and I’d like to be respectful of my inlaws, but I’m not sure how.

          • Anonymous

            You need to get a black knee-length sheath dress with sleeves or a black cardigan so you can look and feel like an adult at funerals. A plain black sheath dress will come in handy on many other occasions as well.

          • Anonymous

            Be respectful by wearing a dark colored dress that is knee length and has sleeves.

        • Anonymous

          I dated a Mormon. He wrote temple garments. I understand all Mormons do, so I don’t see how a sleeveless dress would work.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know the rules but a lot of Mormon mommy bl0ggers wear sleeveless dresses and other outfits that are clearly incompatible with garments.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            Not all Mormons wear garments. It depends on whether you’ve gone through a temple endowment (name?).

          • Anonymous

            My family is Mormon, I am not. Sleeveless dresses are against the rules, but it’s because of modesty, not formality. Since I understood the dynamics very well, I was able to make an informed decision. I would not recommend sleeveless to someone else who posted because they didn’t know what to wear at a Mormon funeral.

          • Anonymous

            If you don’t wear garments because you haven’t done your temple endowment, you aren’t functionally Mormon. You can’t go to temple, can’t be a missionary, can’t get married in the temple, etc. I was in a serious relationship with a Mormon who was in grad school in UT. I spent a summer there and learned a lot about the LDS religion because (1) people constantly tried to evangelize me (2) I wanted to see if it would be possible for our relationship to work. I decided that no, not really, unless I converted, which I did not want to. Its kind of all or nothing. I would have been ok with him being Mormon and raising any kids as such, but my refusing to convert would basically hamper his religious practice and that of any kids.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          A blue maxi dress isn’t appropriate at a funeral in Seattle, either. It’s not appropriate. MAYBE for a wake, but that is very much pushing it.

      • Anonymous

        What if its a funeral on a beach (which would obviously not be a Catholic service…)?

      • Anonymous

        Obviously not- if I were going to the beach I would wear flannel. I admit now I’m starting to sound like a troll…

    • Anonymous

      For a Catholic funeral, I wear the same as a Protestant funeral. A knee length black dress. Short sleeved or with sleeves/a sweater/blazer depending on the weather. You can wear tights but don’t need to. A regular dark color/black dress that you’d wear for work is fine.

    • Two Cents

      Black or dark colored dress with sleeves, at least knee length. If sleeveless, wear a neutral or dark colored cardigan over it. Basically, just don’t stick out.

    • anon

      If you have a dark sleeveless dress you can get a shrug to add sleeves. It’s not the most fashionable garment but it works for this situation where you may need to take a cocktail dress to a more formal level. I got one 10 years ago at WHBM and have worn pretty much exclusively to funerals.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks–I’ll look at WHBM to see if they have any dresses that fit the bill.

    • Anon

      Does the fact that it’s Catholic or the location have anything to do with what to wear? East coast and I always thought classic, conservative black dress was the way to go no matter what.

      • AIMS

        I tend to go slightly more conservative in religious places vs. a regular funeral home. I tend to dress conservatively for funerals anyway, but I might wear different shoes or bring a head covering, depending on the place it is held.

      • SC

        I dress more formally when it’s a religious funeral, particularly if it’s held in a house of worship vs. the chapel at the funeral home. Typically, I wear a conservative, dark dress with sleeves no matter what, but accessories might change based on the level of formality.

      • kk

        Midwest and East Coast Catholic reporting. In the mid-atlantic areas where I lived (connecticut, philly, and dc) people wore formal/structured sleeved black dresses, no matter what. In the midwest (michigan, chicago, Wisconsin), there’s a little more leeway- looser fabrics, and accents in colors other than black- especially for a funeral that wasn’t tragic (85+ years old, died after a long happy life). For anyone over the age of 10, a blue sleeveless maxidress would not be appropriate.

      • Anonymous

        Can’t report about Catholic, but I grew up in California, spent the vast majority of my adult life in New York City, and now live back in San Francisco. Northern California and Central California funerals are way less formal than east coast funerals. You tend to see more prints, less formal dresses, more color. I think you can’t go wrong with a simple black dress, but I wouldn’t hesitate to wear navy or gray or another dark color. I also wouldn’t hesitate to wear pants and a blouse or nice sweater.

        Good luck! Funeral culture is different everywhere (my Southern in-laws do it differently too!) and I think you’re smart to ask.

    • Anon

      Wear dark colors and conservative shapes (a maxi dress is never a good idea) but don’t out-widow the widow – no black head to toe with black mantilla.

    • tesyaa

      I’m surprised everyone was so critical of a long navy dress (maybe the word “maxi” is the reason). I understand you need something different this time, but I can’t honestly say the maxi would be inappropriate at all funerals. I have seen a variety of clothing at funerals. Just want to say not to beat yourself up.

        • tesyaa

          Here’s Michelle Obama wearing sleeveless at a memorial service, for the record. Sleeveless strapless or strappy which are obviously looks to avoid.

      • Reposting: Vicarious shopping for funeral clothes

        Thanks. I’m kind of having fun with the cultural comparisons, actually, because I am confident that it was the right option for the situations I’ve been in. I’m proud of myself that I haven’t responded with any exclamation points yet! (Okay, that was the first, I think).

        • Anon

          Lol, I am as well. Sometimes the conservative nature of the readers of this blog surprises me.

        • Portia

          Yup – I was raised Mormon (you can be Mormon and not have your temple endowments – usually women aren’t really allowed to get their endowments until they get married, unless they decided to go on a mission) and a navy maxi dress would be dressy at some of the funerals I’ve been to (although the bare shoulders would have gotten some major side eye from my relatives). At my grandfather’s funeral a few months ago, there were female relatives in: prairie skirts, polka dots, a denim jumper (the dress version of overalls) with a white sweater underneath, and a yellow sun dress with a lavender cardigan. Mormons, especially in rural areas, just wear whatever they wear to church every week to funerals and weddings without a second thought.

          • OP

            Yep, there are usually lots of pastel cardigans and denim skirts. Those who did worry about what to wear mostly settled on floral prints that included some navy or burgundy–if they already had them. I don’t think anyone (besides maybe the deceased’s daughter) bought anything.

      • Anonymous

        I think sleeveless is what makes it inappropriate, not long or navy. I can’t imagine wearing anything sleeveless to a funeral, especially a religious one.

        • Seventh Sister

          I wore a sleeveless black dress to my grandmother’s funeral and if anything, I looked more “dressed-up” than most of the people who attended. It was small (@15 people), led by a Protestant minister (albeit the liberal-ish kind), and in a rural area on a blazingly hot day. If she’d been alive, I’m sure she would have objected to the price of my dress, not its lack of sleeves.

      • Anon

        Honestly I am as well. Coming from a non religious family a long sleeveless navy dress would be fine for some funerals.

        • anon

          Most of the funerals I’ve been to in recent memory, that would have been fine (medium city in the southeast). I’m not religious, so I always opt for a dress with at least short sleeves and skirt below the knees if it’s in a house of worship, since I figure that’ll cover most conservative dress possibilities. I opted for a black suit when I was a pallbearer.

    • Seventh Sister

      Californian here – people usually go in for dark colors for funerals, but not necessarily black or navy. For a Catholic funeral, I’d pick something with sleeves or something where you can wear a sweater or jacket over it. And I wouldn’t stress too much about it – people will be happy you came, not worried about your clothes.

    • Parfait

      Wow, people are being way harsh. At the two “real” funerals I’ve been to in Southern California — i.e. in a church, not a beachy “celebration of life” type thing — some people were wearing shorts and flip flops. A dark dress of any type, maxi or otherwise, should be more than fine. Have a wrap or cardigan to cover up the shoulders in case it seems necessary — but if the weather is warm I promise you won’t be the only one in sleeveless.

      • Anonymous

        I am East Coast and I saw jeans and sneakers (and hats) at the last two funerals I went to. Both in rural, lower income areas. Location and crowd is important for context.

    • Anonymous

      Frequent reader, infrequent commenter of this site but had to pop in to say that this is why “overachieving chicks” (I would have used a different noun for the second word in this situation…) get a bad reputation for being uptight and catty. This woman asked for a recommendation, not your pearl-clutching on her past choices. Not making any progress on your billables today, huh, ladies?

    • Anon

      I’ve been to dozens of “country” funerals in S. Georgia where a navy maxie dress would have been totally appropriate.

      OP – I trust you were appropriately dressed for the funerals you attended. For the funerals you anticipate going to, Talbots has lots of appropriate dark-colored, sleeved dresses.

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/solid-mockneck-knit-shift-dress-prdi44020/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/flounce-refined-ponte-sheath-dress-prdi44906/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/refined-ponte-fit-flare-prdi44775/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/refined-ponte-fit-flare-prdi44775/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/seasonless-wool-extended-shoulder-sheath-dress-prdi44762/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

      https://www.talbots.com/online/dresses/ruffle-knit-shift-dress-prdi44769/N-10189?selectedConcept=&akamai-feo=off

    • Anonymama

      The last few Catholic California funerals I’ve been to, a long dark blue dress would have beeen fine. In fact half my aunts were wearing clothes that fit that description. If it was summer I wouldn’t even worry about the sleeveless, but since its winter I’d say wear a black cardigan and you’ll be fine.

  9. Harry Josh Dryer

    I bought the Harry Josh hairdryer a few months ago (after reading so many great reviews), used it once, and didn’t like it. I put it back in the box in all the original packaging and promptly forgot about it. It’s now too late for me to return it to the site I bought it from…is there anywhere else I could return it to? I truly only used it once, it’s in perfect condition, I just didn’t like how it was with my hair type. It was expensive, so I’d love to be able to return this…maybe Ulta? Or do I just have to eat this expense?

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry, are you suggesting that you might be able to return the thing to somewhere other than where you bought it?

      I mean, you could try. And might even be successful. But that would be really unethical. Try selling it yourself on ebay or craigslist if you want to recoup the cost.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s worth trying to return it even if it’s past the date, you never know they might be flexible and still give you store credit. Otherwise eat the cost.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I have this blow dryer and love it. I’m sorry you didn’t! I think your best bet is to re-sell it on a website (e b a y or fb marketplace etc). Or check in with me in a year and if mine dies I’ll buy it from you!

    • Harry Josh Dryer

      Is it fraud to return it to a store that would just resell it? I only used it once, very briefly and it’s back in all the original packaging. If this were a gift, and I didn’t know where the giver bought it from, would it be unethical to return it to a store then? I’m asking this because I don’t want to do something unethical and am just unsure of how to proceed.

      • Anonymous

        This is clearly unethical. It wasn’t a gift that you don’t know how to return.

      • Anonymous

        Of course it’s fraud! I think it’s fraud to return a gift to a random store even if you don’t know where it came from. That is the whole point of gift receipts and if your gift giver chose not to include a receipt, then you’re out of luck with a return and all you can do is donate or re-gift or try to sell on Craiglist.

        People like you are going to force the stores with generous return policies to change them, which scr*ws over their real customers who appreciate and take advantage of such policies. Good grief. I can’t believe you think this is remotely acceptable.

      • cbackson

        Yes. In order to return it to a store you didn’t buy it from, you have to lie to them. The merchant has made a contract with its customers that it will take back goods under certain circumstances. It doesn’t have that contract with you. You’re planning to lie in order to force a merchant to enter into a transaction with you that it might not otherwise want to enter into.

        If you want be ethical, go to the store and ask them if they want to buy the hairdryer from you.

        • Anonymous

          This.

          It’s fraud because you are misrepresenting the circumstances of your purchase and ‘return’.

      • Waffles

        It’s absolutely misrepresentation and unethical. Not to pile on, but I was surprised to learn that not all retailers re-sell returned merchandise. My husband works for a big box store (think Home Depot) in Canada, and most returns are actually thrown away! Not sure if it’s for liability or just profitability, but at his store almost nothing is resold. I think that is a terrible policy from an environmental perspective :(

        • Anonymous

          Yes, if the product can’t be returned to the manufacturer (and they rarely can be) it’s absolutely not a guarantee that the product will be resold. Don’t rely on assumptions and don’t try to pretend you don’t know this is wrong. Come on.

    • Walnut

      Return it to the original vendor – most vendors are pretty flexible even past the return period. Otherwise, eat the cost.

    • Harry Josh Dryer

      Thanks everyone, for the helpful comments and also for the crabby “What?! No!” responses that I got for just asking a question. I don’t want to do anything unethical and just wasn’t sure if you can only return to the original vendor when it’s an item that’s sold at a wide variety of stores.

      Not everyone here has the life experience of everyone else (let’s remember that some people may not even be from this country to know how things are done here), so maybe staying a little calmer in our replies and assuming best intentions (as Senior Attorney says) would benefit the community.

      • Cc

        Assuming good intentions is important. However here, it is so clearly unethical that people are questioning you. I don’t know what life experience you could have to think that running a scam would be ok.

        • nutella

          Yeah, this is pretty basic, no matter your background. Put yourself in the shoes of the second shop. You are now *paying* someone for a product that didn’t come from you, that has no problems, that they just didn’t like. I think you are confusing the fact that they carry it with the cost of doing so. They would purchase it from a distributor or manufacturer at a lower cost than they are selling it to the end customer. If their own end customer returns a product, they refund the money the customer paid, putting them at zero on that transaction.

          Your best bet is to try to return it from where you bought it, if it is not damaged and in the box. Otherwise, sell it yourself on e. ^ bay as others have mentioned and learn the lesson.

        • Anon

          Agree that people weren’t mean, but there is def some crabby-ness in general on this board that is getting more and more prevalent. This isn’t the first time people have pointed that out.

      • Anonymous

        Do you not understand that returning an item at different store would mean that the store would be giving you money that wasn’t yours?

        • Harry Josh Dryer

          I wasn’t sure if that mattered if the store is going to re-sell the item. One of the reasons I asked is because I hear people talk about returning things to Nordstrom frequently when they’re not sure where an item was from (in a gift situation) or when they know it also carries the same brand but they’re outside the return window. I was just asking a questions based on what I’ve observed from others. I understand now.

          • Anonymous

            But seriously, you have to know that lying is unethical. You weren’t proposing to go to Ulta and say “Hey, I bought this hair dryer on Amazon, would you be willing to take it and give me money?” That’s not unethical, although you’re not going to be successful. But just walking into an Ulta and saying “I”d like to return this hair dryer” is lying, at least by implication if not explicitly (and you’d probably have to lie explicitly since they normally ask when/how you bought it and why you don’t have a receipt). I don’t see how lack of life experience or not being from this country are a justification for thinking it’s ok to lie.

          • Anonymous

            Honestly, I would cast a side-eye at those people to. If you don’t know where a gift came from, then you regift or resell, but you don’t return it to a store to get cash. That’s people taking advantage of a really generous return policy that Nordstrom has. Most stores do not have the same policy.

            If you bought it from a store, but are outside of the return window, then I would still try returning to THAT store, to see if they’d still take it.

            Like was stated above, a return policy is part of being a customer of the store (for that product) in the first place. It’s part of making sure their customers are happy with the product they have purchases from that store, so that customers will continue to shop there. It’s not a way to resell items you bought elsewhere, because then the product is considered “used”.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t remember discussion here before about returning gifts of unknown origin to Nordstrom and I think that would have faced a lot of blow back too. I do remember one post about returning shoes to Nordstrom that had already been worn, and a lot of people thought even *that* was unethical, even though the poster was planning to be honest about the fact she wore the shoes a few times. Fwiw, I think as long as you’re honest with the store you’re seeking a return from it’s fine, but lying isn’t ok.

      • Anonymous

        I mean…it shouldn’t take “life experience” to know that stealing is unethical. You’re effectively making the store you return it to buy the hair dryer from you at the retail price, which is way higher than the cost they would buy it at from the manufacturer, so you’re stealing that price difference from the store.

        • S in Chicago

          There’s also an assumption here that the store is simply going to resell at the retail price. That’s not a fair assumption. Whether the item is in perfect condition or not, the merchant likely won’t simply put it back on the shelf for someone else to buy. Once returned, the item has lesser value to the merchant (if workable likely will be routed to a secondary vendor (like your Nordstrom Rack) or discounted in some way). Side rant: Unless your Target. I’m so sick of buying things at Target that look opened and have pieces missing or are broken. It’s not “new condition” anymore–even if it still feels like new condition to you.

      • Anonymous

        I am so sorry that you weren’t able to get enthusiastic co-signs on your plan to defraud a business out of money they don’t owe you. Bless your heart.

      • Anonymous

        Confused by your reference to ‘not everyone is from this country’. I have travelled widely and lived and worked in a number of different countries. I have never encountered the idea of it being ethical to return an item to a store that you did not purchase it from.

    • anon a mouse

      Contact the place where you purchased it. If it really was just a few months ago, they might take it back since a lot of places are more lax right after the holidays. If it was like six months, you might have a different issue. (And if it was Amazon, you are out of luck, since they are really firm on returns.)

    • Jdubs

      Check your credit card policy that you bought it with. Depending on your card, sometimes returns are covered if the original store won’t take it back. I know Amex does this, but not sure about others.

  10. Nerfmobile

    Can we discuss solids vs patterns/prints? I’ve been clearing out and organizing my closet and realized that probably 80% of my tops are patterned or print (I have two blouses in black with white polka dots, like this dress!). A lot of my dresses are patterns, too. Is this an issue? How do I find solids that I don’t dismiss as boring?

    For context, I’m a manager in a design-oriented role in tech on the West Coast. My company over-all is male-dominated, and runs the gamut from “anything goes” to “business casual” most of the time. I usually am wearing black, grey, or brown pants, a blouse or knit top, and a cardigan. I think I gravitate towards the patterns to add some spark, but maybe there are other ways I should be mixing it up?

    • Anonymous

      You are needlessly over complicating your life. You like patterns and prints, so you wear them. This is not remotely something you need to fix.

    • Miz Swizz

      As long as you like wearing patterns and they fit in with the rest of your wardrobe, I say embrace them! If you have a closet full of patterns that don’t coordinate, that’s an issue.

    • Legally Brunette

      Ha ha, I’m actually the exact opposite, wearing solids about 70% of the time. I actually make a concerted effort to try and buy prints to diversify my wardrobe. The only prints I tend to like have a white background and some darker, small print (like polka dots). I’m not sure why, but really loud/large prints just look very off on me. Maybe because I’m 5’5.

      If you’re looking to wear more solid colors, I personally really like a jewel toned sweater or dress with a long necklace. Since you like prints, you might try wearing a bright scarf. Basically just pick your favorite color and find a top/dress in that color, then wear a printed scarf or fun accessories on top.

      If you post your size and body type I can provide some specific suggestions.

    • cat socks

      Sounds like my closet. I pair the patterned tops with solid color pants. I also have multiple variations of black and navy blue cardigans to wear with said tops. I have a black sheath dress that I wear with patterned cardigans. Your outfits sound great. I don’t see an issue.

    • Anon

      it sounds like you have found your signature look. I don’t think I’d be in a hurry to change it.

      You could make it your “thing” to find really interesting prints, now that you have the basics covered. Like, oh hey, look at this cool print based on a painting by __ I picked up at the museum shop in ____ on vacation. Or something like that. I would think that would be really fun, and as a wearer of 90% solids, I would think you were far more fashionable than me.

      • Nerfmobile

        I like this idea – look for even more interesting prints! I’ll see what I can find in that direction.

    • Parfait

      I wear a ton of prints and I almost exclusively wear dresses. I see nothing wrong with this. Wear what you love!

  11. Anonymous

    I have a phone interview on Fri. Wish me luck! This would be a great move (career-wise and geographically).

  12. Anonymous

    My best friend’s grandfather just passed away. He was nearly 100, it was not unexpected, but still…the family has requested no flowers, but I want to do something to support my friend from a distance (since I won’t be able to fly home for the funeral).

    Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      If the family has designated a memorial, this sounds the perfect opportunity to donate to it.

    • Never too many shoes...

      You could always send a bright bouquet to your friend’s home directly along with a heartfelt card to let her know you are thinking of her. No flowers generally means to the memorial/funeral home.

      • Scarlett

        +1 – I’d do this. I’ve always appreciated it on the receiving end (but I’m a clear lover of flowers so know your friend, as others have pointed out)

        • Scarlett

          PS – I wouldn’t worry too much about what the family requested (other than don’t send flowers to the funeral home) in that I wouldn’t conflate it with what your friend might need. When my grandparents died, I was so touched by my friends sending ME notes, flowers and going to the funeral (those who were local). The family will have their own thing, and your friend will have her needs.

      • rosie

        Some religions do not do flowers at deaths. Hopefully you know if your friend/the family is one of these religions, but if you aren’t sure, definitely no flowers.

    • Anon phone user

      Send a sympathy card and make a donation if a “donations in lieu of flowers” recipient has been identified.

    • Anon

      Next time you make a charitable donation, make it in his honor. I donate to donors choose dot org (class room projects & supplies requested by teachers) and one of the options is to make a gift in honor of or in memory of a person. Then you supply the address for the thank you card and the family will receive that.

      I’d also send a note to someone you’re close to in the family. Safe topics are, I’m so sorry, I know you loved him, I will always remember him. (Don’t try and tell someone why it’s a a good thing he died, even if you’re talking about heaven)

  13. Anonymous

    For any of you gardening (like, actual gardening) ladies out there – where do you buy your seeds? Last year I did the typical burpee, and it was fine. But I was wondering if there was some wonderful website or something for seeds that I could patronize instead. Any input?

    • Anonymous

      Try and find a local company – in my area there is a nonprofit called Native Seed Search I buy from (I can still order online) that specializes in heirloom varieties native to my area, but also carries a host of other seeds that grow well where I live. Maybe a Google search will yield a similar organization.

    • Anon phone user

      Look for a local gardening club and see if they do a seed swap or have recommendations for local sellers. You will have better luck with varieties that specifically suited to your area.

    • Sewing anon

      Depending on which area of the country you are in, look for an independent nursery in your general region. Their seeds will be a bit better adapted to your climate. For example, I’m in the DC area and I like Southern Exposure. If you are in the Pacific Northwest, there are a bunch, but Territorial and Nichols Garden Nursery are good ones. Seed Savers and Baker Creek are great organizations, too, and are based in the midwest. There are lots of others, these are just the ones that came to mind.

      • IAanon

        Seed Savers! I live nearby and love their seeds, but they are pricey. I usually use them for vegetables and a couple of favorite flowers. Regular seeds from the grocery store, etc for the rest.

    • Miss

      I buy from local garden shops, but if there are seeds I want that I can’t find locally I order from Johnny’s Seeds.

    • Anonymous

      Baker Creek. Love, love, love them, especially because I am gardening in an arid microclimate and it’s easy to find plants that will work with minimal water.

    • Seeds

      Our public library has seeds you can “check out” and then return some at the end of the season. I also like Seed Savers for heirloom varietals; they sell seeds year round and seedlings in the spring.

  14. Red Eyes

    I sleep with a humidifier, use eye drops, etc. but we’re at that time of year where my eyes look bloodshot no matter what. Any makeup tips to camouflage a bit? I tried brown mascara instead of black and playing up my eyebrows a bit more. I’m not great with makeup generally though, so help please!

    • mascot

      A blue or navy eyeliner makes the whites of my eyes look a little brighter. I’ve got hazel eyes so I use the darker blues.

    • Anon

      Use a creamy nude eyeliner in your waterline (bottom lash line, but inside). It camouflages the red in that rim and brightens the whole eye

    • MJ

      Do you wear contacts? Blood vessels showing can mean your eyes are not getting enough oxygen (per my eye doctor). See an eye doctor! Separately, if drops are not enough, try eye gel (there is a systane gel that I use at night when it is very cold and dry which lasts the night).

      • Anonymous

        Nope, no contacts. Had lasik years ago and I know from that doc there is nothing wrong with my eyes other than hating the cold and staring at a computer all day long without blinking enough.

  15. Sloan Sabbith

    It’s apparently going to be one of those days. Got up early, even before my alarm. Yay, go me.

    Then my espresso machine/frother refused to work and I spent 40 minutes messing with it. I finally realized it was probably the milk I’m using; apparently milk won’t froth if the proteins have broken down, which happens faster with nonhomogenized milk. I won’t drink just pure espresso and the milk also tastes slightly off once it’s been frothed, so I can’t even just have espresso with steamed milk.

    Running late, no caffeine, didn’t sleep well. Day can only go up from here. Also, I know a lot more about milk and milk protein than I ever cared to know.

    Anyway. Unnecessary whining aside- How is everyone else’s day so far?

    • Anonymous

      Can you run out for a coffee? I couldn’t brave the morning without caffeine. I hope the rest of your day improves!

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Oh yes. I had to do a nebulizer treatment before I could leave my apartment, but I’m almost done and will be going to get something ASAP.

    • Ellen

      I am sorry you are NOT haveing a good day, Sloan. Me too. I woke up with a sore throat, so am workeing from home today, which is OK b/c I am just writing 3 breifs to submit to the court by Tomorrow. I should be able to complete them b/f the end of the day, so I am watching Jerry Springer on TV. I can’t beleive peeople are so trashey! They go on TV telling the whole world exactley what their s-xueal activities are. Is it for real or do they make this stuff up? I would never do this kind of s-xueal stuff, and even if I did, I would not go on to TV to tell the world about it! FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      If it makes you feel better, I missed an appointment this morning despite it being in my datebook *and* discovered that my new dishwasher was on its way to me, ready to be installed … but I’m at work, 30 miles away from my kitchen, and they didn’t call me yesterday to notify me that they’d changed the delivery date, and maybe they can bring it tomorrow after my medical appointment and not during but, hey, maybe not. This is Round Two with the dishwasher as the first replacement was delivered broken. And now I have to be willing to answer the phone during therapy to sort out the dishwasher’s transportation schedule.

      Yesterday was a snow day for my kids and they were actually pretty great but I was still bonkers by the end of the day.

      Two different events I am responsible for later this year (April and July respectively) are on fire this week for whatever reason.

      I spent 30 minutes trying to print a 500 page document. I did finally succeed. That’s my big triumph for the day. Printing.

      • Anonymous

        I would be effing proud of myself at printing a document like that! (Actually, I would just ask my neighbor to do it, because I would fail and he would succeed. But the point is, I’m impressed you did it!)

        • Anonymous

          Thanks! I finally realized that even though the pdf accessed online and the downloaded-to-my-machine pdf looked exactly the same, the printer would not print the first thing. It was a two-second fix, but now I have it and it’s something I’m going to use a bunch so yay for that.

          Seriously, you made me feel better. Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      Last night, I had a lovely evening snuggled in bed reading a new Christmas book. About 1 am, I realized anthropology/archaeology are not good bedtime reading. Could not shake off the nightmares about caves full of bones, and I’m feeling it this morning.

  16. Piercings?

    How unprofessional do you think small cartilage piercings are? I work in tech in the midwest, if that matters?

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the work environment. Does anyone else in the workplace have one? In my experience, a small one would be fine.

    • Anon

      I think a small one would be fine in my DC law firm. I honestly don’t think anyone would really notice or care.

    • Anon

      Cartilage meaning ear? Honestly I’ve worked in conservative big law, academia, and corporate environments and, especially for the under 40 set, don’t even notice them anymore. The key is to have a small conservative piece of jewelry. No one bats an eye at a tiny diamond, cubic zirconia, or darker colored stud. A hoop is another story…

    • Anon

      It’s technically against the rules at my very conservative workplace to have more than one piercing per ear (or, I guess, more than one earring per ear, because what can they really do about extra holes) but fully 25% of the employees under 30 sport a third earring of some sort, usually cartilage, and usually quite small. No hoops. And so far, so good – no one in trouble for it.

    • Anon

      I have my tragus pierced, which is technically a “facial piercing” and have a small diamond stud in it. I have worked in a large, conservative law firm, and I am now in-house at a conservative company, both in a conservative state. People literally don’t even notice I have it. My best friend of several years whom I saw every day in law school didn’t even realize I had it until 2 1/2 years into our friendship. I think a cartilage piercing is less edgy than a tragus piercing, so you are probably fine.

      • Anonymous

        I also have a tragus piercing. My office is pretty casual, but “facial piercings” aren’t allowed per the dress code. The only thing I’ve ever heard about my piercing from anyone is “wow, that’s cool, did it hurt?”

    • Anon

      My first resignation was very negatively received by my company, so this is written with that in mind:

      1. It’s business, not personal.
      2. HR exists to protect the company and not you. Only you can and will put yourself first.
      3. People may not be excited about your new opportunity, and that’s ok. Grin and bear the last two weeks and get the heck out. Don’t burn bridges, but keep focused on the future, which holds many, many better things.
      4. Kill ’em with kindness.

    • anon

      Be prepared for the day you put in notice to be your last day, just in case. Have all of your stuff low key packet up and ready to go but don’t tip anyone off until you are ready. Keep your resignation letter professional and impersonal. Make sure you obtain contact information for references as needed before you leave.

      • anon a mouse

        +1. Also, if you have any examples of work you’ve done that you intend to keep as part of your portfolio, make sure you have them before you give notice.

    • Anonymous

      Enjoy your last two weeks knowing that soon it won’t be your problem anymore.

    • TK

      Be brief and professional. Thank them for the opportunity to learn from them. Don’t burn bridges, if you can, but also don’t make commitments to make nice that will be hard for you to keep (e.g., pushing out your quit date a few weeks.) Offer to begin training your replacement.

      And finally – if they’re likely to fly off the handle, go into the meeting prepared to leave immediately, if asked. Make copies of any (non-proprietary) information that you want to take with you. Take personal effects home or have them packed up, discretely.

    • Anonymous

      Frame it in a positive manner. It should be two sentences: (1) I have some exciting news – I’ve accepted a new role doing [insert new job], and I’m thrilled about the opportunity, followed immediately by (2) something nice about your current organization tailored to who you are talking to.

      I felt bad about leaving and regret how I framed it. I basically said “I’m leaving and I feel bad about it” instead of “I’m taking a great new opportunity”. People took the negative phrasing as the opportunity to get sad, angry or try to convince me to stay.

    • Anonymous

      Keep it short. “I’ve accepted a job at x (if you want to say – if not – another opportunity), my last day with y. I’ve appreciated working with you and thank you for the opportunity.”

      That’s IT. I’ve seen too many young associates explain and justify esp women. I’ve always stuck by the advice a female senior associate gave me — you’re not asking their permission or blessing, you’re telling them.

      Most people don’t care much. Some will wonder how you got the job etc. Some are rude and will tell you all the negatives of your move. Nod along. The only ones I listen to are the 1-2 mentor types that I actually respect – as sometimes in conversation they can impart helpful advice.

    • Anon

      If you have anything personal on your computer, make sure it is printed and in your possession before you deliver the news (contacts, photos, etc.), just in case.

    • S

      Don’t stay longer than you need to. My last I gave 7 weeks notice because I was primary on a lot of projects (not law) and we had a big conference coming up. My company used this time to work me to the bone and do projects that weren’t even mine (and after I was gone, I still got texts asking for some help from some folks!). I wish I had just given 2 weeks and been done. Truly, the Earth won’t stop spinning without you . All of that extra work and my former boss doesn’t return email from me now (he was mad that I actually left). Agree with the other moderator who noted that a tone of feeling bad or asking permission is not the right one. I fully chalk my situation with boss up to that. (FWIW, the boss I had prior to him exited in similar fashion as me–long lead up, apologetic. Also similarly abused and then distanced like there was disloyalty. So not totally a male-female thing.) The time after notice is really weird for everyone. Don’t make it longer than it needs to be.

  18. Rothenburg ob der Tauber

    My husband and I are planning a trip to Germany and we’re trying to figure out the day to day itinerary so we can book hotels. Has anyone been to Rothenburg ob der Tauber on a Sunday? Typically most stores are closed on Sundays in Germany and I’d rather avoid making a trip there that day, but it seems like the only day that’s going to work out with the rest of the schedule. Any chance a touristy town will have more stuff open?

    • Anonymous

      I highly doubt it. You can probably still visit restaurants, stroll the town and visit museums/castles/touristic sights. Just don’t expect to do souvenir shopping on that leg of the trip.

  19. Anonymous

    Made a very last minute decision to catch a matinee today on Broadway. Any suggestions for a quickish lunch restaurant in the general vicinity of Times Square? (We walk fast, so interpret general vicinity pretty widely)

    • Anonymous

      Melt Shop on 50th is a grilled cheese sandwich store! With tater tots… And right next door is The Little Beet, which I’ve heard good things about.

    • Cornellian

      I would head over to ninth avenue and just walk up. It’s less touristy and has some great options.

    • Anonymous

      John’s if you like pizza. 44th and 8th. It’s sit down but pretty quick and it’s a really cool venue that used to be a church that was converted.

    • Anonymous

      Green Symphony on 43rd btwn 7th and 8th. They have a really good/healthy steam table, salads, and juices but ask for a menu to see full range of options. I love the New Yorker bowl. Its a theatre people hangout too.

      For burgers, I always go to Schnippers over Shake Shack – no line, good food, far fewer tourists. Or Bare Burger on 46th St.

      There are lots of nice sit-down places on 9th Ave that move pretty fast.

  20. Shoe Hunt - help!

    There were these shoes that went “viral” over the summer. I think they had something “Southern” in the title, like Charleston or something- but I could be wrong. They had low heels and were touted as being stylish walking shoes. They came in different colors. Any ideas here?

  21. Anonymous

    I just finished reading Gone to Soldiers, which someone recommended here a few months back. Wow. It’s an emotionally devastating book and it took me 2 months to finish but was absolutely worth it. If you enjoy historical fiction, give it a go.

    Would be curious to know if anyone who has read the book had a similar experience – I considered myself to be fairly well-educated about WWII and the Holocaust before reading it, but have come away with a much deeper appreciation for what life was like for regular people in Europe and elsewhere during the war. It left me feeling disgusted with the French collaborators even more so than I was previously, and questioning my love for all things French (as well as my recent trip to Germany which I thoroughly enjoyed). Can people and cultures really change significantly in just 60 years?

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Thanks for the recommendation! I love that kind of book. I felt similarly about Below the Scarlet Sky. Not on that it was a difficult read, but that it opened my eyes to so much that was going on in Italy I didn’t know anything about.

    • Anonymous

      As a Jewish person, I can’t enjoy trips to Europe wholeheartedly. I have still gone.. and appreciated a lot of the beauty.. and I do think Germany has taken incredible steps to acknowledge what they did and to change their culture.. but any visits are always tinged with the knowledge of what has been lost (and often the willingness of the “local” population to support, collaborate, or just take advantage of the wholesale murder of the Jewish communities there). I have not been to Germany or Poland and am not sure I would be able to (I recognize this is not necessarily fair or rational).

      I would also never ever ever live in Europe. France is #1 on my list of places I would never live as a Jew – I truly believe it is not safe for “visible” Jews to live there, and I think that feeling is shared by a lot of French Jews who have always felt very attached to France but who are increasingly leaving. The violent anti-Semitic attacks that have happened in the past few years are terrifying (just in the past weeks, a young girl was attacked with a knife by a random transit passenger – she was dressed in a Jewish school uniform – and many more examples before that).

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for your thoughts. Just the other day I read an opinion piece by a French Jew expressing similar feelings. I do not identify as Jewish although my grandfather was Jewish by birth– to think that if I looked a certain way, or dressed a certain way, or attended a certain school, I could feel unsafe on the beautiful streets of Paris, is gut-wrenching.

        Then again: I am not convinced that many other countries can claim righteousness. Our country fought on the right side of the war, all while denying Blacks, Hispanics, and others civil rights and freedom from fear. Black soldiers were treated horribly. Our own generals were often anti-Semitic, among other things. We turned away Jewish refugees, condemning them to death.

        • Marilla

          I don’t live in the US (Canadian). While both the US and Canada have historical records that are far from spotless (both with respect to Jews and to other minority populations), I do generally feel that Jewish communities in both countries are generally safe. Although there are hate crimes, it doesn’t feel like there’s a historical vein of anti-Semitism that gets tapped into when times are tough economically or for other reasons. And at least in Canada (not saying either way on the US because it’s not my place) I think there is an openness and willingness to work towards positive multi-culturalism, and against racism, although again, not perfect and recognizing that other communities in Canada have in the past and continue to have it worse than “my” community (in particular Indigenous/First Nations Canadians).

          • Marilla

            Sorry, the above was me also (Anon at 11:03) – forgot to put in my name at first/didn’t realize it wasn’t saved.

          • Anonymous

            All of that makes sense to me. When I “rank” countries in my mind as being moral, Canada is generally towards the top. Interested to know what Canada’s policies were towards Jewish refugees in the 30s/40s… down the w*kipedia rabbit hole I go.

          • Marilla

            They were not great. Wikipedia/google search William Lyon Mackenzie King, “none is too many.”

            My MIL’s parents were able to enter Canada from a DP camp only by being accepted into Newfoundland, which was not fully part of Canada until 1949.

    • tesyaa

      If you’re up for a nonfiction book that touches on some of these topics (and many others), look for “Two Lives” by Vikram Seth which I absolutely loved.

      • AIMS

        Somewhat different but along the same lines, if you can get your hands on a documentary called We Are All Neighbours (may be on youtube), you can see this play out more recently in Bosnia in the 1990s. You literally see how neighbors turn on each other in times of conflict. It’s heart breaking but important.

    • Lyra Silvertongue

      Try reading “Those Who Save Us.” It reveals a moving and terribly sad perspective on the lives of ordinary German citizens during WWII. I make no excuses for collaborators, but I honestly don’t know how much I would have been able to resist if the Reich had threatened to murder my children, etc. Of course I start balling when I visit the Resistance Museum in Amsterdam or watch footage about Nicholas Winton, but there is a reason these people are heroes. We all want to believe the best of ourselves but we will never know until we’re in that situation, and God willing, none of us will ever be there again.

      • Anon

        +1. That book made me seriously question the role of German women in the war and the complexities of life under the dual burdens of war and patriarchy.

    • Lana

      I haven’t read the book and I’m not an expert, but I spent a semester in Berlin and was really touched by how directly Germans were about confronting their history. Professors were open about their grandparents’ roles in the Holocaust and how their own families took advantage of others during at the time (for example, accepting jobs replacing Jewish people and contributing to their economic isolation during the early years). My impression is that the German people work really hard to educate their young and include reminders everywhere of what happened. I admired their approach and think they as a community seem to have changed more in 60 years than Americans have in the over 100 years since the Civil War, most likely because they confront their past rather than sweeping it aside. It would be like if we put monuments all over the South reminding us of the contributions of slaves and how they were tortured, rather than ones glorifying soldiers who lost a war.

      • History

        I’m American and have read a lot about WWII history etc. In 1976 i visited some elderly female relatives in Bonn which was then the capital of Germany. We were watching a commemoration of the 20 July plot (that formed the basis for the Tom Cruise movie The Valkyrie). These women -who were housewives during WWII – denied any knowledge of Hitler’s plan to exterminate Jews. I was skeptical then and really wondered for years if German society as a whole really did own up to its culpability.

        maybe as Lana says it’s better now 40 years later than my first visit to Germany- I’ve been there three times -but I’m still skeptical.

        • Anonymous

          You say specifically that you were visiting elderly people who were adults during WWII. Just wanted to add one perspective – the 1968 protest movement which swept across the globe, focused on different issues in every country. In Germany, one of the main points was that young people (born during and after the war) rioted against the silence, against the nobody-knew, and they would ask powerful judges, professors and their own parents “so what did you know? what did you do?” I am not surprised that people would claim deniability in the comfort of their own home – but the public debate treats these things very seriously.
          Because of the unique German past, they have legal limitations to freedom of speech in place when it crosses over into hate speech, and every year people (sadly still today) are being sentenced for denying the holocaust or inciting hate. I am not advocating this for other countries, but just saying that I believe the Germans try to deal with the actions of their great-grandparents’ generation.

    • Amberwitch

      I love that book and have reread it a number of times. Most Marge Piercy is excellent. Her science fiction is great top. Small changes and Vida are more traditional novels – at this point they are almost historical as well:)
      As an European – a Dane – I wasn’t surprised about the the content, but the excellent writing made it a lot more real than a histore lesson.

  22. Reese Witherspoon Book Club

    Anyone been reading Reese’s picks? Just followed her on Instagram (after watching her amazing Glamour speech) and realized she posts book suggestions every month. They all look great, I feel so behind! Has anyone enjoyed any particular recommendations from her?

    • AnonInfinity

      I’m in the same boat! I just started following her on IG and learned about her picks. The books look great, and I think I’m going to start following along as well. So, I can’t answer your question, but I am glad to hear of someone else who apparently didn’t know this whole world existed.

      • Reese Witherspoon Book Club

        Exactly, a whole new world! Where are you planning to start? I’m thinking I’ll follow along in February and try to add in books that interest me from her previous picks after reviewing the list

        • AnonInfinity

          I think I’m going to start with the January pick, actually. I already had a Brene Brown book on my to-read list anyway, so I’m going to start that one as soon as I’m finished with my current book.

  23. Anon

    have we discussed the Aziz Ansari thing here? I’m almost afraid to ask.

    I am uneasy about Grace’s experience being added to the me too or time’s up movement. It sounds like she thought it was a date, he thought it was a hookup and she now thinks he’s a predator for pushing for s3x.

    I have been 100% supportive of all the women who have come forward so far, but I find myself on the fence on this one, and I’m worried it’s going to lend credence to the other side’s argument that everyone is too d-mn sensitive.

    • Marilla

      I thought Megan Garber in the Atlantic was good and thoughtful on this issue. (Not Caitlin Flanagan in the Atlantic, though. That was a bit of a mess…)

    • Anonymous

      Yesterday’s All Things Considered included contrasting perspectives from a 50-something woman and a younger woman on this story. I didn’t like the way they tried to make it purely a generational issue, but it’s worth a listen.

    • Anonymous

      We don’t get to decide what is a “real” assault or what counts. She does. Actually read her words. She was uncomfortable, she didn’t want to, he kept pressing her.

      • Cornellian

        I don’t think we get to decide how she feels, at all, and her experience sounds a lot like many of mine in the first half of my 20s. I think the issue of women saying “yes” begrudgingly after 19 asks and calling that “consent” is a real one, and that we need to do better. But I don’t think all problematic sexual acts are necessarily assault, and that defining something as “assault” can’t be based entirely on the victim’s feelings.

        I read an interesting piece at katy kati kate (. c*m) with a line that keeps running through my head: I don’t want to have to buy my friends’ support with maximum humiliation. I think we’re heading towards aplace where you have to prove something is sexual assault in order to have your feelings validated and heard, and that leaves victims questioning whether something was “bad enough” to get support from friends or therapists or whoever else.

      • Anonymous

        But she is a grown adult and knows how to use the word “no.” I agree with Margaret Atwood – we are perilously close to a place where we are basically saying that women do not and cannot have agency over their own sexuality. Regardless of societal history and pressures, I, as an individual person, have agency and can make my own choices. If I decide not to say no to something because I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, I should own that and recognize my own role in what comes next. I agree with everything Bari Weiss said in her piece in the NYT. If we have reached the point of expecting men to be mind readers, we are in a bad place. It is unreasonable to expect men to “pick up on vibes” that what’s happening isn’t what we want, while all the time we’re consenting to what’s happening. Women are not toddlers who don’t know how to use their words. Enough already.

        • Anonymous

          You can make your own choices, you can use your words, but that won’t stop you from being raped.

          • Ok?

            Of course not. But I read the article and didn’t get a sense that she was afraid he was going to overpower her or rape her if she said no. Like the poster below, I am a feminist, and I believe the stories that are circulating. I believe this one, even though it makes me sad because I did not envision Aziz Ansari as being pushy in this way. But, this wasn’t assault, and she didn’t seem afraid.

            Yes, those situations exist where a woman is afraid to say no or where she actually says no and is pestered so many times that she finally gives in. It’s fraught and problematic, but the ideas that people should be able to read others’ minds and that women have no agency over their own bodies are also problematic.

          • Anonymous

            The situation “Grace” wrote about wasn’t rape, and it really concerns me that some women apparently can’t tell the difference.

        • Miss

          I agree with Anon who quoted Margaret Atwood. They were on a date and he was pushy and a jerk, but there was no power difference (as opposed to the casting couch or workplace harassment). She felt uncomfortable and she could have left, but she didn’t. I think most women have been in similar situations. I know I have and I wish I’d been more secure in my right to say no and leave when I was younger. But that doesn’t make him a predator and having this story included with the MeToo movement is troubling to me.

      • Anon

        I get what you’re saying, but how do we transfer blame to this guy when she didn’t say no, she reciprocated the acts, when she stayed and didn’t leave for a long time. And when she finally said no, he called her a car and she left.

        I think we’re on a slippery slope assuming women are so weak that they can’t even say no, that they can’t even walk away.

        • Anonymous

          I know I’ve been in situations where I was afraid if I said no, the situation would get worse. Sometimes you feel like you CAN’T walk away. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

          • Anonymous

            I didn’t get the sense, from her words, that she was afraid of him. Just that she wasn’t intowhst was happening.

          • Anonymous

            @ Anon 12:58pm

            That may be true in some American states but it’s not true everywhere. In both Canada and Sweden you have a positive obligation to obtain consent. It’s not enough to say she didn’t say no – the accused must explain what words or actions lead him to believe he had consent for each specific act.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, it’s not a swedish blog but there are more than a few Canadian posters and it doesn’t hurt to have a conversation about the fact that ‘no means no’ isn’t the standard everywhere.

        • Anon for this

          I’m personally bothered by calling consent after badgering assault. I was in a situation in college where I visited a male friend at his school and stayed over. He started wanting to do more than I wanted to do. We previously had been just friends who stayed over so it’s not like a duh, of course he wanted $3x situation. This actually happened twice though the second time we just both ended up at the same party. The first time, I said no, he’d wait a half hour and try again. Eventually, I said I was just going to sleep in the living room if he didn’t stop, and I did just that. Yeah it involved being assertive to say no but I wasn’t just going to say I’m sick of saying no so yes. I was annoyed with him, felt he was acting like a jerk, but in no way do I feel he assaulted me.

          The second time though, we talked about it long and hard after. He said he thought I’d change my mind because I kept drinking. That’s where it boarders on to assault if he succeeded. The first time, he thought he could persuade me with his awesomeness. The second time, he wanted to remove my consent. Nothing happened because friends intervened and sent him on his way. I wasn’t all innocent either though. I kept making out with him which is kind of a duh, she might be changing her mind thing. I felt we knew each other long enough though that he would respect that I wanted to make out but didn’t want $3x.

          Our friendship took a big hit but years later he apologized an we made up. He got why what he did was wrong.

          I also think part of the cultural problem, at least for older ladies like me, is we were taught to be “good girls” and to initially say no so we don’t look to easy. I had friends tell me exactly that. The first time he tries to grab your b00bs push his hand away and say no. Keep kissing and will try again and then you can let him.

          Sex positive education is the way to fix this. Make it okay to say what we want and don’t want so that no always means no and not hey, try again.

      • Anonon

        I think people can have different levels of comfort with situations or even what is considered pressure. But certain words, like assault, need a baseline definition if for no other reason than those words imply criminal conduct. For this particular situation, I think Aziz is sleazy, but I also don’t think it’s assault. I must also admit that I’m getting tired of the idea that women have no agency in any sexual situation whatsoever.

    • nutella

      Read a really good one here: http://www.katykatikate.com/2018/01/not-that-bad_15.html

      “It’s because if what happened to her is a violation, then we are all violated. And everyone is a violator. And that’s a scary f&. cking world to live in. I don’t want that to be the world I live in.”

      I thought this really encapsulated my swirl of thoughts well and is worth reading the whole thing. Article is nsfw btw.

      • Cornellian

        I just referenced that above! I think one solution is to take people like that woman seriously, even if what happened wasn’t assault. Someone like Aziz can do something shitty and humiliating and embarrassing and hurtful, and you can ask for and expect support processing it, without making it contingent on what he did constituting “assault”.

        • NYNY

          It’s fine to request support from friends, therapists, etc. for how she feels after. If Grace were my friend, I would absolutely listen to her, support her, maybe even boycott Ansari’s work in solidarity. But she hid behind a pseudonym while calling out a public figure for s3xual assault, and in that case, I think we do get to make our own judgement about whether it meets that standard.

      • Cornellian

        comment in mod, I think? But I referenced that piece above, too. I think one solution is bifurcating assault from other shitty things, and taking the latter seriously as well. Ansari can do something shitty, hurtful, humiliating and embarrassing and his victim should be able to talk about it and expect support without needing to prove that it’s “assault” in order for people to take her seriously.

        • Anonymous

          I do not choose to live my life viewing myself as a perennial victim. I was molested as a child and I was physically and s3xually assaulted in my teens. But those events do not define me and I refuse to live my life walking around in fear of being assaulted again, or believing that all men are rapists at heart. Therapy helped me a lot with the aftermath of what I experienced early in life; I highly recommend it to anyone who has been assaulted in any way. It helped me understand so much about myself and how to live in the world as a whole person, and not just a person bad things had happened to.

    • NYNY

      I’m a feminist, full stop, and have believed the women and men who have come out with me too stories. But this one is not describing assault. I’m not on the fence at all. He is guilty of “being bad at s3x” as someone on twitter put it. That’s it.

      I read Grace’s story, and what I took away from it was that when she truly said no, he backed off. What she said prior to that was “let’s slow this down,” which could mean a lot of things, but in the context of what she did and didn’t do, sounds like a request for more f0replay.

      I’m interested in hearing the other side, though. Are there women here who support Grace? I don’t want to argue, I want to understand your perspective.

      • Anon

        He’s not just bad at s3x though. He ignored what she wanted — to chill — and kept pressing her for s3x over and over and over and over again. I agree it’s not assault, but that’s not bad s3x, that’s complete and total disrespect (and pretty dehumanizing) for the woman he was with. I really don’t know why people are calling this bad s3x– fumbling around with a willing but disappointing partner is bad s3x; trying to initiate with a partner who is not into it over and over again is something else.

        • Anonymous

          But she doesn’t have a right to “chill” in Aziz’s apartment. She went back to his apartment after a date, which most adults expect will lead to s*xual activity of some sort. If she doesn’t want to do what he wants to do (hook up), she’s free to leave – which there is no indication he attempted to stop her from doing. Saying it’s assault because he wasn’t interested in just “chilling” is ridiculous.

          And she blew him twice. I get why he thought there were mixed signals, to say the least. I’ve had a lot of guys assume that we were going to hook up when I didn’t want to, and I haven’t gone down on any of them.

          • Anonymous

            This is garbage. Her choices are do exactly what he wants when he wants or leave? Good guys aren’t like that. She wanted to slow things down.

            All this talk about agency but the response here seems to be that if she doesn’t want to do what he wants to do on his timetable she should leave. What about her agency to have input into the speed of the interaction? Women get to have a space between doing what the guy wants when he wants and leaving. That space is where healthy relationships live.

          • Anon

            Totally agree that she doesn’t have a right to chill with Aziz, but if she demonstrated that she didn’t want to go further with him than oral s3x and Aziz didn’t want to hang out with her if she wouldn’t go further than that, then he should have just asked her to leave rather than keep attempting something she clearly didn’t want to do over and over again.

          • nasty woman

            “She went back to his apartment after a date, which most adults expect will lead to s*xual activity of some sort.”

            To borrow the words of the anon above me, because I like them, this is garbage. Pure steaming bull*. He *hopes* it will lead to s*x. He (men in general, not Aziz) has no RIGHT to assume or expect that it will. (Think about it- you really think that I’m consenting to have s*x without just because I let you into my house?! That’s actually insane.) That’s the problem- dudes who simply assume that women will or should have s*x with them because of whatever reason- she went home with him, she kissed him, she blew him, she did last time, whatever- and then proceed accordingly WITHOUT confirming that she actually does want to have s*x. And/or, deliberately ignoring signs that she does not want to do whatever s*x act. Instead, he pretends that he has selective Autism and all the sudden he’s totally lost the ability to read verbal and nonverbal cues. He pretends that he needed to hear the magic words “NO” at the exact moment he was trying to put his P in her V (doesn’t matter if she said them earlier). It’s up to her to constantly police his behavior and he bears no responsibility for evaluating whether his own behavior is appropriate. He’s abandoning ALL responsibility for determining whether she consents. I am so f*cking sick of men pretending that they are just sooooo stupid and sooooo helpless and sooooo bad at reading cues that they can’t tell when a woman doesn’t want to do them. If you’re that clueless about how you interact with people and move through the world, why do you think you’re responsible/capable enough to have s*x? Or engage in any social interactions whatsoever? Not confident that you can figure out whether another person wants you to rub their g*nitals? Stay inside the house before you hurt someone and rub your own. To be clear- no one is asking men to be mind readers. That is a straw man and a red herring. What we are asking is for men to take *at least some* responsibility for ensuring that their partners are consenting (enthusiastically, not begrudgingly after being pestered for hours). If you expect to put your p*nis into another person’s body and (likely) ejaculate inside of that body, YES you better make sure that the person you’re trying to do that to actually wants it. Sidestepping the question of whether the particular interaction between Aziz and Grace constitutes assault, what I just outlined is what I, personally, see as the major issue worthy of conversation. And I think that’s what a lot of women are reacting to.

            Continued rant: affirmative consent is not hard to obtain. It’s not. It can be super hot. There is nothing that is awkward or uns*xy about a guy kissing your neck while murmuring in your ear and asking you whether you want XYZ. Or straight up asking, “should I get a condom?”

            “If she doesn’t want to do what he wants to do (hook up), she’s free to leave – which there is no indication he attempted to stop her from doing. Saying it’s assault because he wasn’t interested in just “chilling” is ridiculous.”

            LOL cute no one’s saying that, not even Grace. Good reading comprehension though.

            “And she blew him twice. I get why he thought there were mixed signals, to say the least.”

            You appear to be confused. A blow job isn’t the same thing as PIV s*x. Consent to one is not consent to the other. If he thought the signals were mixed, HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED.

          • Anonymous

            Anon at 2:51, I totally agree that “good guys aren’t like that” and Aziz sounds like a sleazy player. I wouldn’t want to date him or be friends with him if I knew he treated women like this. But that doesn’t make him the perpetrator of s*xual assault, and I think connecting every sleazy guy to the #metoo movement does a real disservice to it.

          • Anonymous

            all the love and appreciation to Nasty Woman who always explains everything I think much better and more eloquently than I can. Do you have your own blog? If not, please start one. I love to read your posts.

            If he isn’t sure that he has enthusastic consent to the specific act, he needs to ask. I will be quoting this forever:

            “You appear to be confused. A blow job isn’t the same thing as PIV s*x. Consent to one is not consent to the other. If he thought the signals were mixed, HE SHOULD HAVE ASKED.”

        • Anonymous

          It may be something else, but it’s not assault.

          I had an encounter with a former boyfriend where he kept trying to get me to have an*l s3x with him. I said no, he moved on but then made another attempt, I said no again. When he made a third attempt, that was a wrap. I got up, put my clothes on and went home. We broke up a couple of weeks later. I wasn’t about to consent to something I didn’t want to do just because he wanted it. If I had consented and done it, though, he would not have been guilty of “assaulting” me. Because if I say yes and stay in the situation, when I really mean no and I want to leave, that’s on me. Not on him. If I say no and he does it anyway, *that’s* assault.

        • Miss

          “Chill” is so vague though. Netflix and chill literally means doing s e x ual stuff while ostensibly watching tv. Dating is awkward and no one is a mind reader. If she wasn’t comfortable she needed to use her words and be clear about what she didn’t want to do.

          • Anonymous

            HE needs to use his words and HE needs to accept if a person says no.

            Why is it all on her? He wants something, it’s his job to explicitly ask for consent. If he’s not asking it’s because he doesn’t care what her answer is. He can’t read her mind and she can’t read his. He needed to ask and then accept her answer the first time.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed completely. Also a feminist, also a huge supporter of #metoo and all the men and women who have come out so far and my big takeaway from that story was that Aziz has absolutely no game. It read a lot like verbal “revenge p0rn” to me. She had a terrible date and she wanted to make the guy embarrassed for how awkward and bad at seduction he was. And I know this was a poor choice by the journalist to include this in the article, but shaming him for only offering her one kind of wine? It was hard for me to take her seriously past that point, it was so clear that she was just really ticked off that she went out with this famous guy and it was a huge letdown romantically and s*xually and she wanted to dish about it. It reminds me of a story that was on Gawker a long time ago about Quentin Tarentino’s toe-sucking fetish. These are good stories for brunch with your friends the next morning, not a #metoo piece about how you’re an assault victim.

        • Anonymous

          Seriously? That’s a really shameful opinion for a “feminist.” The next time I feel pressured into blowjob I’ll make sure to share it over brunch.

          • Anonymous

            Believing women have agency over their own bodies makes me a bad feminist? I’m not saying Aziz sounds like a nice guy or someone I’d personally want to go on a date with and (as someone said below) if Grace told me this story personally, I’d empathize with her. It’s crappy to try to pressure someone into something they don’t want to do. But you don’t get to call yourself an assault victim because you went back to someone’s apartment after a date and he wanted to hook up and then called you a car when you wanted to leave. And publicly sharing all these intimate details about his s*xual proclivities and seduction attempts just seem really gross to me, especially when she’s using a pseudonym and he’s a public figure who’s being shamed in front of the entire world.

        • Anon

          Yes, Your revenge p0rn comment is exactly what is making me so uncomfortable about this.

          He wasn’t interested in her as a person, he only wanted s3x with her, and now she’s going to ruin his career.

        • Anon

          And oh yeah, that thing about the wine. Was that a micro aggression, that she preferred red and he served her white? Once that was on the table I was worried about what I was going to read next.

          • Never too many shoes...

            I think that comment immediately put me on edge and predisposed me to not really buy into anything else she had to say.

          • Linda from HR

            Yeah, I can see why that set people on edge.

            Seemed to me she was pointing to details that demonstrated early on that he was setting himself up to be “in charge” for the evening, that and rushing out of the restaurant saying “let’s get out of here” once the meal was done – instead of, say, asking her what she wanted or asking her if she was ready to go. I’ve learned over the past couple years that it’s rude be like “okay let’s go” when your date hasn’t finished their drink yet.

      • Anonymous

        I thought Slate had a good article on the grey area–and I was also pleased to see that they gave women and feminists credit for being able to see that there was a grey area between assault and assuming good intentions. Can’t link from work, but it was one of their headlines yesterday.

      • Metallica

        I read Grace’s account on Babe and while I see how there could be debate around whether or not this constituted assault, I was firmly on Team Assault. Also, I dislike how people are calling her out for anonymously coming forward, saying “Why now?” She’s not benefiting from this. I suspect the only reason she came forward now is that the #meToo has made it more acceptable to do so.

        I also think that she was a victim because she, like so many women, are socialized to not say no directly and to rely on “nonverbal cues”, which make it all too easy to claim “I missed them.” I really liked Aziz Ansari before this but now I don’t. Ever since this was reported, I have been thinking a lot about how to try to avoid that socialization for my daughter.

        • Metallica

          I forgot to add that Aziz has made being “woke” and an advocate for women primary features of his brand, which is what makes this story particularly gross.

        • Never too many shoes...

          That sort of skims past the fact that the one time that the piece states she unequivocally said a clear “no” (when offered s-x in front of the mirror), he backed off, suggested they chill with their clothes ON and it does not seem he attempted actual intercourse again. He clearly was still asking her for a bj, to which, again from the article, she did not say no to but in fact, did twice.

          Apart from SNL, I have not watched Ansari’s work so have no personal feelings to defend him.

          • Linda from HR

            I haven’t watched his show, but I’ve seen his standup and read most of his book. He’s critical of dating norms in general, but I absolutely got the sense he was s*xually frustrated and didn’t take rejection well.

    • Anon

      I think the Babe piece was a poorly written article. I think Aziz acted very disrespectfully– I think he was wrong, but I don’t think it crossed the line into assault. BUT the issue of how (particularly young) women often find themselves in uncomfortable situations where they feel strong social pressure to engage in s3x that they don’t want to have is certainly a worthwhile conversation to have, so I’m angry at the people who are unequivocally bashing Grace.

      • Anon

        I wouldn’t bash Grace if she were someone I knew and she told me this story at brunch or over text or sitting on my couch with a glass of (red!) wine, I would be completely sympathetic and say what a jerk and I’m so sorry you went through that.

        But since she isn’t someone I know, and she used a clickbait piece to try to take down a celebrity, I have a lot less sympathy.

        More importantly, for me, is that I am mad at her for contributing to the backlash against the very legitimate me too movement.

        • Anon

          I would support my friend and give her a shoulder to lean on. But just because it s*cks doesn’t mean it is assault.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Jezebel had a good piece on how the babe article was not well handled and how damaging that type of poor reporting can be under the circumstances. The bit about the wine (which babe probably thought was foreshadowing of Ansari’s total lack of respect for Grace’s choices) should never, ever have been in that article. It gave the piece a petty, revengey “woman scorned” tone that was likely not intended.

        • Anonymous

          This. The Jezebel piece shows how important good reporting is to the MeToo movement

        • January

          Yes. Regardless of whether she should have come forward or not, I think the poorly written article did Grace a real disservice.

    • Anon

      I dislike that she outed him while hiding behind a pseudonym. She could have written it to describe someone famous, about his age, etc., but it’s now asymmetrical: he’s named, she isn’t. Either both get named or no one gets named.

      By her own admission, she mumbled, sent mixed signals, and had a hard time establishing boundaries. That’s fine and some people are like that. But the solution is not to shame men for not being mind readers: it’s to understand ourselves well enough to know if we need to work on assertiveness.

      Feminism has been terribly hypocritical in this regard. It says that women are tough, strong, assertive, able to love casual s*x as much as men, but then… has no internally consistent message for how women should act during these encounters.

      And yes, this undermines #metoo. We aren’t asking women to act perfectly, but wow.

    • Anon

      My take away is, let’s encourage all of our daughters (and sons) to be direct about what they want. Not a lot of room for ambiguity in “yes” or “no.” It isn’t a crime to ask someone – while in the middle of sexual activity – if they want to do x or y. If they say no, you don’t do it. If they say yes or maybe, you can proceed (with the recognition that consent can be revoked at any time.)

      Is it sad that “Grace” – and let’s be honest, most women – have been socialized not to vocalize what they want and need in this arena? Of course! But I don’t see how we hold her s*x partner accountable for not being able to interpret (a relative stranger’s) ‘nonverbal’ cues. I love my husband dearly, we’ve been together for 12 years and generally know each other pretty well, but I don’t expect even him to always read my “non-verbal” cues correctly.

      • Anonymous

        I hold him accountable for not asking for consent. It’s not just her obligation to refuse it is his positive obligation to seek verbal consent. Do you like this? Does this feel good? Can we do x? – not hard at all.

        I teach my daughter and my sons equally that they can always refuse and that they must always seek consent. You don’t assume consent, you ensure that you have it. If you don’t have enthusiastic consent, you stop. Period.

        • Anon for this

          Asking for consent isn’t always received positively. There was a Bachelore!!e episode (I think the one where the Bach was a lawyer and her dad a judge) where a guy asked if he could kiss her and her response was “did you seriously just ask me that” she later talked to the camera about how weird and unattractive it was that he asked instead of just kissing her. A lot of women still like things to just happen naturally.

          • nasty woman

            So what?

            You know what also isn’t received positively? Kissing someone who doesn’t want to be kissed. Really tired of men’s concerns about whether they’re *smooth* and whether they might miss out on getting to second base being more important than ensuring women aren’t *assaulted.* There is nothing unnatural about asking someone if you can kiss them. Come on. This one woman didn’t find it attractive. That doesn’t give men a free pass to abandon their responsibilities.

          • Anon for this

            Nasty Woman – while I agree with what SHOULD happen, I made my point about the show to discuss why things aren’t going that way now. What’s that old saying – men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them? The dude on that show got mocked on national television for seeking consent. I’m sure there aren’t a lot of dudes that watch the show but for those that did, I bet they were a bit more reluctant to do it in the future. We as a country need to do better about changing this framework.

            And yes, a big part has to be empowering women to say yes to the things they want or ask for what they want instead of hoping they just happen to them – and empowering them to say no for the things they don’t want. Also, for them to not be called s!uts or worse because they say yes or ask for certain more taboo things rather than waiting for the guy to just initiate those things.

          • nasty woman

            I do agree that men receive messages that they should be the aggressor and that this can be problematic. But I think the bigger issue is that they are simply afraid they’ll hear a “no” if they ask. Not asking allows them to go ahead and assume that she wants him to do xyz. Or, rather than simply trusting that they’ll just have a normal human interaction (“can I kiss you,” “yes, I hoped you would;” “would you like me to get a condom?” “please do!”), they freak out and whine that they’ll get mocked or say “oh affirmative consent means I need to ask permission to move my hand every inch! That will kill the mood!” (Seriously- read a MRA forum sometime. There are people who think this! Or pretend to think it because their actual primary concern is simply that they’ll get told “no.” Esp. because the MRA/PUA play book is explicitly based on pushing a woman’s boundaries and escalating physical contact past her comfort level until she forces you to back off. I digress.)

        • nasty woman

          This. This really isn’t that complex. We can simultaneously believe that what his behavior and what she experienced was not equivalent to being g*ng r*ped while you’re passed out and videotaped and believe that her experience was bad and that his behavior was wrong/not good/needed improvement because men also are responsible for determining whether their partners consent to s*xual activity.

          • Anonymous

            I normally agree with you, but I completely disagree here. On is it that one person has an affirmative obligation to make themselves very clear about what they want, and the other has no duty to make clear what they want? That’s shit. I won’t disagree that a world in which everyone asked before kissing, etc. would be better (even if I personally wouldn’t like it), but that still means that the other person has to use their words and say no. If you give mixed signs, as “Grace” did, you can’t be mad that the person interpreted them wrongly. If you want them to know what you want or don’t, freaking use your words

          • nasty woman

            Please re-read. Where in my post did I state that she does not have a duty to express her wishes? I didn’t say that men MUST make clear what THEY want, and that women DON’T have a duty to make clear what THEY want. I said that men have an obligation to make sure that women consent to the activities men wish to engage in with them. (I even used the word “also,” by which I meant to imply that men, in addition to women, have an obligation to determine consent.)

            I don’t really see what’s so mixed about saying “I don’t want to feel forced,” but whatever.
            If a partner said the words “I don’t want to feel forced,” to me, the last thing I would DREAM of doing is trying again. That would be an enormous red flag, like a record scratch. I, a thinking person who is not a sociopath, would think “oh wow, this person is concerned that they feel like I am, or might, be forcing them to do something. That indicates to me that they would like to set boundaries, and I might be going too far. I am not a person who likes to force people to do the s*x with me. I will talk to this person, because I respect them.” I would initiate a conversation about boundaries and what types of activities my partner wanted to engage in.

            ATTENTION, ALL MEN: If you feel like you are getting mixed signals, the appropriate next step is not to apply your Crystal Ball and “interpret” the signals (and, of course, determine that a woman must want your Glorious S*x). Your next step is to ASK.

          • Anonymous

            Nasty Woman, everyone, who has her one point – men totally s*ck in all circumstances, always – and will beat it to death using shouty caps, overly long posts, and repeated simplistic points until you either agree with her, or give up and go away. Man, this schtick is getting old.

        • Anon

          Did she ask HIM for consent?

          After all she performed some pretty intimate acts with him and her version of events lacks any indication that she ever once asked him if he was OK with it, if it was what he wanted, etc. Why is he responsible for asking her if she was OK with what they were doing when her naked presence and lack of “no” could reasonably lead him to expect that she was while she is not equally responsible? That is my biggest issue with all of this. We expect me to be the ones who are responsible for ensuring consent, but put no such responsibility on women either to obtain consent or voice their own lack thereof.

          I asked my teen daughter what she thought of it and her response was: “that girl needs to grow up and be responsible for her choices.” Do I feel badly for her? Sure. She had a bad experience and I’ve been there. But it never occurred to me to blame my hook-up for my decisions.

          • nasty woman

            The difference here is that he never indicated he wanted to stop. She did. Did you read her version of what happened? There wasn’t a “lack of no.” It may not have been a perfect “no,” but it wasn’t a lack of no. This isn’t hard. He was on notice. He should have asked. Do I think he assaulted her? Based on the info available, I do not believe that this was a terrible act of assault. And good god, in the whole history of the world we’ve put ALL the responsibility on women to voice their lack of consent. How can you not realize that? That’s where the whole “she didn’t say no, she didn’t fight back, she didn’t scream” concept comes from.

            I feel bad for your daughter that she’s already blaming other women for the actions of men.

          • Anonymous

            I feel bad for you, Nasty Woman, that you have exactly one lens with which to view the world, every problem is a nail since your only tool is a hammer, and don’t see any problem with that. Benny Hill had more depth and nuance than you.

    • Anon

      I like this post for the ways in which it highlights that women do not owe men sex and that they have to be able to say no: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/how-not-to-be-the-girl-from-cat-person

      Rape and assault are terrible crimes that are committed almost exclusively by men, and men need to be the ones to change. The fact that women need to get better at setting their own boundaries during consensual encounters is not mutually exclusive with that.

    • Anon

      So I’m not a troll, and this is based on nothing. But this is how I really feel:

      I thought that Grace is probably racist. I think she went on the date with Aziz because he was famous and then it turned out he was not physically attractive to her. She is probably white and pretty and she is used to dating men who are All-American and attractive in that way. He is a creep because he is not attractive in the way she is used to. Creep always means “ugly” and “awkward.”

      • Anonymous

        I have no idea what race Grace is, but as a white women I definitely feel like the fact that Aziz is brown and from a conservative a Muslim background (even if he’s no longer religious) is very relevant to the reactions. I don’t be think people would be reacting the same way if this was a white Christian man. I can’t really articulate why, I just have a hard time believing there aren’t racial/ethnic issues in play.

        • Anonymous

          I didn’t realize that Aziz was from a conservative background. This makes me wonder if stereotypes may be cutting the other way as well. I remember in college that majority culture American girls were stereotyped as “easy” by some guys from conservative religious cultures (whether Muslim or conservative evangelical or homeschooled or whatever). It was as if a negative portrayal of liberal women’s “loose morals” remained even after the guys had decided this was a good thing rather than a bad thing. I just remember that asserting boundaries with some of these guys was a bit of an uphill battle until those stereotypes were worn down a bit (which is part of what college is for, of course).

    • Anonymous

      Lainey Gossip had a good take on it: (http://www.laineygossip.com/aziz-ansari-releases-statement-after-being-accused-of-sexual-assault/48899)

      “All of it, the whole conversation, this is what it boils down to: Consent, and the disregard for and lack thereof. The burden must shift from waiting for a “no” to asking for a “yes”. “No” is a word so inherently dangerous many women do everything in their power to avoid saying it outright anyway. But “yes” is a word everyone likes. It’s a word of action, it’s not lack of resistance but willful engagement.”

      – quote links to https://www.damemagazine.com/2017/10/24/men-are-killing-thousands-women-year-saying-no/

    • Linda from HR

      I think focusing on whether the incident was “legally” assault is missing the point. She might not have shoved him away, saying “NO! I DON’T WANT THAT AT ALL TONIGHT!” and immediately leave and call an Uber, but she did tell him to cool it a few times, and he did at first and then tried again. He makes me think of that neighbor or roommate most of us have had at some point, who agrees to turn down the music when asked, but cranks it up 10 mins later when “their jam” comes on. Does anyone say “well you only asked him to turn it down in the moment, not keep it down all night, and why did you let him blast the music for two hours before asking? it couldn’t have been that bad, the way you describe it the decibel level probably didn’t constitute a noise violation or anything, suck it up, it was just a bad night”? No, they say “ugh, what a jerk.” He was pushing boundaries, seeing what he could get away with, and didn’t seem to have a lot of regard for what she wanted or whether she was having a good time. It seemed like his litmus test for consent wasn’t whether she was verbally agreeing to anything, but whether she was going along with it. That’s a problem.

      We need to talk more about consent. Maybe not here specifically, but in general. It needs to go beyond what’s legal and illegal, and we need to talk about how to show respect for people’s boundaries.

      I like to think of consent as showing someone’s body and personal space the same respect you’d show a host in their home. You don’t generally invite yourself over, you don’t help yourself, or go around touching and using their stuff, wandering into bedrooms and offices and storage areas, or overstay your welcome; you wait to be invited, you let them offer, you ask “may I have some ___?” “is it okay if I use your ___?” “could we ___?” You want to make sure you’re a welcome guest who’s respecting your host’s boundaries; being inside their home doesn’t give you free reign to treat it like it’s yours. You’re using good etiquette, not just making sure you don’t break any laws. People should follow similar principles when they’re intimate with one another,

  24. Reposting: Vicarious shopping for funeral clothes

    Okay, from my thread above, I’ve picked up that a dress for a funeral should be black, knee-length, and have sleeves. Apparently denomination and region matter less than I had assumed. Subjective adjectives like, “simple”, “classic”, and “regular” are not very helpful.

    But there are a lot of different dresses out there that meet those criteria, and if I’ve learned anything from this board it’s that the small distinctions do matter. Can anyone break this problem down in term understandable to a hick who never dresses up? Links would be very much appreciated, because I really do need to buy something.

    Thanks.

  25. Anonymous

    So living in a new city which is more suburban after 10 yrs in nyc and as you’d guess, I now have to cook. Still figuring it out. Here’s a question – I eat pasta a lot but haven’t had it in months which is killing my minimal meal rotation. I can’t have tomato sauce recently due to reflux. I’ve sauteed up some vegetables and put those in pasta w some cheese, which I like, but it’s still kind of dry. So how to consume pasta without tomato and if you also can’t handle milk/cream sauces?

    • Anonymous

      Pesto — does not have milk or cream (and you can leave out the Parmesan if you want). you can also make pesto with an avocado in addition to the basil for a creamier sauce.

    • Anon

      Olive oil, pepper, and parmesan. You could also add garlic, red pepper flakes, and/or lemon.

    • Anonymous

      cold! pasta salad with roasted veggies and balsamic dressing; pasta with scallions, carrots, and peanut/ginger/soy sauce dressing

      • Anonymous

        Was thinking of picking up a ginger/peanut/soy dressing – but idk what I’d like and I don’t want to spend money on multiple bottles of things I’d use once.

        • HSAL

          Was thinking of picking up a ginger/peanut/soy dressing – but idk what I’d like and I don’t want to spend money on multiple bottles of things I’d use once.

        • KateMiddletown

          I really like Trader Joe’s spicy asian peanut vinaigrette – it’s good on salads, chicken, cold noodles, whatever, so I think you’d get some mileage out of it.

    • Anon Lawyer

      The easy way to make a sauce out of any kind of vegetables is to saute the vegetables in butter. Then pull out a cup of the starchy pasta water, add the almost-cooked pasta to the pan with butters/vegetables, and put in enough of the starchy water that it emulsifies with the butter and forms a sauce. Then add Parmesan .

      • Fishie

        If you really want it to be awesome, use pecorino romano (I prefer Locatelli brand) instead of parmesan. It’s sheepsmilk and is salty and delicious.

    • Anonymous

      Save some of the cooking water before you drain the pasta, then splash a little of it in the pan with the sauteed veggies and freshly grated Parmesan. The Parmesan will melt into the starchy pasta water and make a sort of sauce.

    • Anon

      mmmm carbonara. NY Times Food recently published a recipe but the approach is basically this

      Boil some pasta in salted water (traditional is long like spaghetti but I like something small like shells or orecchiette) and put a 1 c measuring cup beside the pot so you remember to grab some water

      Meanwhile, sauté some bacon, pancetta or guanciale in a large skillet, using a little olive oil if needed, until crispy. Do not drain. Let the pot cool a bit while the pasta cooks.

      In a large measuring cup, whisk two eggs plus two egg yolks with some black pepper. Grate around a cup of pecorino romano or reggiano parmesan and mix into eggs.

      When pasta is done, grab that 1 cup of water and save, and drain the pasta. Add drained pasta to skillet with bacon and toss vigorously. Now add the measuring cup of eggs and cheese and toss more. Then slowly add some of the pasta cooking water until you have a fairly creamy sauce going (remember it will firm up as it cools), top with more cheese if you like, and serve.

      YUM

    • AIMS

      You need to use the pasta water. As you finishing cooking the pasta, reserve about half a cup of the cooking water and then add a little bit at a time to finish the pasta. So if, e.g., you do garlic and sautéed veggies with olive oil, you should spoon in a bit of the pasta water to make it all come together and adhere.

      Also, venturing beyond pesto, if you like tomato sauce but can’t have it now, you can make a tomato-less version with beets. There was a great restaurant in NYC called Aneglica Kitchen that had a really yummy version. I have the recipe at home somewhere but googling it isn’t turning it up. I did find this one on allrecipes and you may have more luck: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/201097/no-tomato-pasta-sauce/

      If it’s something you’re interested in, let me know, and I can post the recipe from home.

  26. Anon

    Can someone talk to me about sous vide? It sounds too good to be true. Is it? Also, are there any particular brands you recommend?

    • Anon Lawyer

      I have the anova and like it. I think it works as well as advertised, to be honest.

  27. Shopaholic

    I gave notice at my job yesterday. I’m a mid-level associate who was heavily involved with the large files we work on. Any advice on transitioning? I am planning on writing detailed transition memos and archiving emails… anything else?

    • Anonymous

      That sounds good as far as your employer, but make sure you take care of yourself too — if you will need a list of matters worked on for future conflict checks make sure you have that and make sure you have any work product that you might want to use as a writing sample or something like that in the future.

    • Violet

      – make sure your electronics & computer & phone(s) are in order/wiped/forwards set up
      – figure out 401K or similar transfers

    • Anon

      IME, partners _really_ avoid doing actual transitions. They don’t want to acknowledge. Prepare your memo as early as possible–often partners will not restaff matters so you are trying to transition and still handle your normal workload. This is a recipe for failure. Stop accepting new assignments and focus on transitioning. Remember that transitions are a professional responsibility matter, not just a courtesy matter.

      I find it helpful to send vcards of contacts to the people I know will be working on a matter. I also think that if your firm uses filesite, key file numbers for documents that are key or have historical context is very helpful when receiving a transitioned file.

      • Anon for this

        Yes! Former malpractice attorney here (defending accused lawyers). Make sure your client knows about your departure and your withdrawals are filed. Don’t trust the firm to do it. Insist it be done before your last day or at the very least, that you be copied on the filings. I had more than one case where the associate left and the firm never told the client and never filed the signed withdrawal the associate had left. You have a responsibility to your client independent of your firm. It is a careful balance to meet your ethical obligations without burning bridges.

  28. Anon

    How do I best support a loved one in the hospital? My father in law has been in the hospital for about one week, with what looks like a long road ahead of him. His wife has been staying with him about 20 hours/day. I’m kind of at a loss for how to best support them. Normally I’d just ask what I can do that would be helpful, but I understand that can be stressful and it may be better to just do something without asking. But I’m not sure what would help. We’re already visiting as appropriate. She’s got her meals covered already by family. The hospital doesn’t allow flowers. Any ideas?

    • Cornellian

      Can you take care of some tasks/errands at home? Clean up their house if they left in a hurry, take the dog out, coordinate delivery of their new dishwasher, etc.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 or if he has something viral/bacterial, or will be at risk for such when he’s finally home, have their house professionally cleaned.

    • AnonInfinity

      If you’re comfortable doing it, staying with him and relieving his wife can be a really nice thing to do. The main caregiver in these situations can be under so much stress and sometimes feels much better about leaving if someone else they trust is there.

      • Anonymous

        This. She may not want him to be alone. If it is a long drive to the hospital, could you offer to pay for a hotel nearby so she can go back to the room and sleep sometimes. If you are not local and available to visit so she can rest, can you touch base with local family members and try to arrange for them to take turns giving her a break for a few hours each day?

      • mascot

        As much as you can, encourage her to put on her own oxygen mask first. She’s not going to be any good to him, herself, or anyone else when the stress, fatigue, and hospital germs catch up with her. Is there a decent coffee shop, nail salon, or movie theater nearby? Can she get out of that room for a little bit to decompress? Even going home or to her hotel to sleep or shower would be help. If she’s worried she’s going to miss a doctor’s update, have her write down any questions that she has and someone can relay those for her.
        Refresh her hospital bag. Kleenex, hand lotion, chapstick, gourmet/healthy snacks, a water bottle, reading material, easy puzzlese, etc. are all good for long waits. Add a fuzzy throw if she gets cold.

    • Anon

      Are there any grandkids? Then a digital picture frame filled with pictures of the kids. That FIL can have at his bedside while in the hospital to look at.

      No grandkids? Then still fill it with family pictures, throw in some of your SO from his childhood if you have some.

      Support MIL as much as possible. She is exhausted.

      Does the MIL have a tablet she can use while in the hospital to read, do research on the medical stuff, surf the internet?

      Coffee gift cards to MIL – most hospitals have a chain coffee place inside these days, like Starbucks. Find out which she has. She needs to get up and walk several times a day for her health and sanity and a gift card gives her an excuse to go.

      Gift them a professional housecleaning.

      Make sure their home is all set with food, laundry done, medical supplies purchased, beds made etc… before they come home.

      Help take notes and do research about all the medical recommendations from the doctors, plan for follow-up appointments with all of the doctors, and new medicines. Be another pair of eyes and ears. Dad is too distracted to do this. Mom is too tired to reliably do this.

      And if you are truly good kids, have someone stay with FIL overnight one or two nights (if MIL is sleeping there) so she can go home and get some real rest.

  29. Anonymous

    So Eric Trump said in an interview this morning – my father doesn’t care about any color except green – the economy/money (making the point that he doesn’t care about race). Any truth to this? He wants the economy, tax plan etc to generate more and more money with no concern re wealth distribution. He doesn’t want people from certain countries coming bc let’s face it, they’ll come without money and it’ll take them years to get established here and in those years, they’ll get some government assistance. In contrast the people who are computer engineers already in their countries, they’ll get a job here in a few weeks and be spending and putting money back in to the economy. Could it really be soooo simple?

    Not that I’m saying this is the role of the president – social issues, diplomacy etc are part of the job and if your only concern is the economy, maybe the Fed or Treasury would’ve been a more suitable role than POTUS.

      • Anonymous

        Naive. I’m NOT saying I agree but it is such a simple theory and when you think about it, it does kind of work . . . .

        • Anonymous

          Wow. Welcome to reality, where people who repeatedly say and do racist things are, in fact, racist.

        • anon

          I mean, sounds like *you’re* that simple.

          No, it doesn’t kind of work. For starters, it assumes without showing that the measure of economic value of immigrants (on a micro or macro scale) is based entirely on how much their starting salary is when they come to America. Ha!

        • nutella

          No, not really. All you have to do is test this and it can’t possibly be true. Undocumented people pay taxes without getting any payout in SS. Wouldn’t we want that free money? What about DACA recipients who not only pay those same taxes without anything in return but also pay a registration fee? Wouldn’t we want that free money? Wouldn’t the fact that there are undocumented workers who are already computer whizzes working in Silicon Valley and who are first responders and who are teachers show their already baked-in value to our country? The inverse is also true (and this is from Pod Save America dudes, so not mine) but when 45 says we want more people from countries like Norway in the same breath as wanting qualified citizens… just what kind of degrees does one have by simply being Norwegian? None. This is about white identity. Next time you are in a taxi in a major city, talk to your driver. Chances are high your driver is an immigrant and a person of color. Sometimes they were white collar professionals in their home country, but could not transfer those degrees into the same profession in the US, so is working 20 hours a day to support a family. 45 assumes people of color have no money to pay or contribute, which is r@^cist. It assumes that immigrants of color loaf on our society- but check out who is washing dishes the next time you go out to eat, they are rarely native born teenagers. And who is working in the blazing heat on our crops. And who is standing behind the counter on their feet for 18 hours at your local pharmacy, restaurant, convenience store, etc. If simply being in the US meant you got to mooch on benefits falling from the sky, then no Americans would work. Immigrants come here to work and to have basic freedoms denied to them – like to not worry their children will be bombed at school or to practice their religion in the first country that ever dared to promise that (I’m a little teary now) or to have clean water and food on the table or to simply have access to schools for their children.

          I am a product of ‘chain’ migration (i.e. family reunification immigration policies). But my family is white. None of my relatives (parents included) spoke English when they came here and their town was too little to get any kind of advanced degree. That’s precisely *why* they came here. But they learned English, went to college, got their masters/doctorates, earned citizenship, pay heftily in taxes, and contribute to our country in tangible/physical ways. They save lives, they build college buildings and stadiums, they are cops and teachers and lawyers and dentists and researchers and IT guys.

          • Anonymous

            Nutella, I’m teary now too. This is a beautiful and powerful and true post. Thank you.

          • Anonymous

            Note your ancestors learned English. The south of the border guys coming now will push 2 for Spanish for the rest of their lives. I know at least a half dozen of them, all here for 6-10 years, can’t even converse in English. They don’t want to assimilate yet we’re supposed to bend over backwards for their kids. No thanks.

          • nutella

            Nice try, Anonymous at 1:50. You are mean.

            I’m glad you think my family are ‘good’ immigrants. But my grandparents did not learn English because they were too old to learn and hardly had even received a high school education in their home countries. They learned some but not enough to be comfortably fluent with outsiders. They spent their money on tutors *for their kids* to learn English. They worked as unskilled labor anyway (for 30 years!). Paid taxes anyway. Helped their neighbors even though they didn’t share a language. Watched Wheel of Fortune and Julia Child just like every other American. Paid rent. Sent their kids to American school so that they and their grandkids could have a better life. And we did.

            I don’t think my parents, aunts, uncles, or anyone would say that anyone in the US ‘bent over backwards’ for them. But I do think that if you can get here, you should get the same shot as everyone else to make a better life for your kids.

            I speak three languages (going on four) now fluently. Think for a moment about the woman earlier this week who asked about moving to Montreal without speaking French fluently or her husband. The US does not have an official language or religion. Think of what an amazing freedom that is to simply be allowed to be here and to not have tests on how much money you are bringing, what religion you a practicing, or how educated you are, or what languages you speak. (By the way, my grandparents spoke two languages fluently, just not English.) Think of how lucky you are to have been born in an English-speaking country in an increasingly Anglophone world. And if you were born in the US, think of how amazingly lucky that was to be born in the US in modern times as a woman. My grandparents overcame every hurdle thrown at them, except that they did not gain full fluency in English by the time they died. So what?

    • Anonymous

      I am not sure how anyone could truly figure out if what someone claims to care about is true. I think that would require psychic powers. Maybe you could consult a medium?

      • Anonymous

        Isn’t that also true of everything your boys Obama and Bernie said? How do we know what they actually believed? Awesome how it’s 100% ok to be rude to anyone on here who says anything positive or even neutral about Trump but heaven forbid anyone criticize any aspect of the liberal platform, lgbt issues, trans people, illegals etc.

        • anon

          Illegals? ya, this is why. And I think you are getting as much as you are giving. It’s called discourse.

        • nutella

          What the? Why are Obama and Sanders ‘her boys’ based on a comment that there really is no way of verifying what one believes?

        • Metallica

          *snort*. “Your boys”? They’re not a team—this is politics, not football. We are supposed to all care about our country and its issues, not focus on who is on whose side.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t think he’s been totally accurate but from what I’ve read of the family and how they handle real estate dealings, money talks. Ex – they have all kinds of issues with Muslims but not with rich Arab Muslims who have real estate and big oil interests in the Middle East. For them, they can look past their Muslim-ness because there’s money involved and potential deals on the table that benefit the Trump family.

      • Flats Only

        Plus it’s easier for them to relate to folks who live in palaces with a lot of gold trim.

        • Anonymous

          Lol. Except those palaces have actual real gold – not the tacky brass we see in the trump buildings.

    • Anonymous

      Trump can care a lot about money and still be racist. Loving green doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate black.

    • Anonymous

      He has a really long and well-documented history of racism that predates anything political. I agree that this is a plausible explanation for his recent comments on immigration, but he has a history of refusing to rent his real estate properties to African-Americans. Don’t see how that could be economically motivated. Plus that whole his father was in the KKK thing…

    • Kitty

      I am pretty sure he meant green as in aliens from outerspace. Loving those green aliens helps prove he *isn’t* racist against the illegal aliens/immigrants. Perfect. Logic.

      In all seriousness, he said he puts money before people. Um, hel-lo.

    • JanetYellen

      Honestly, definitely not the Fed. Carter tried a businessman as fed chief, William Miller, and it was a disaster. He just didn’t have the deep understanding of monetary policy needed to steer the fed (his tenure brought us the term “stagflation”. It was only put right by Paul Volcker, a well respected economist, at the cost of a serious recession.

    • Metallica

      Eh, I think you’re just trying to stir the pot. Trump walks like a r@cist duck and talks like a r@cist duck and people are now upset because lo and behold, he’s a r@cist duck.

      My husband is a naturalized citizen, having originally hailed from what Trump would consider a s***hole country. He came here with nothing, received no government assistance and became incredibly successful. He doesn’t owe any other taxpayer a thing. To me, he represents the living example of the American dream, in contrast to our Dear Leader, who has confused s***hole countries with s***hole people. As Trump himself exemplifies, we have plenty of homegrown s***holes here.

  30. NYC wedding- cash

    What’s a ballpark range for a cash gift for a wedding in NYC? Couple is early/mid 30s, both live in the city now First wedding for both. Wedding is sunday afternoon, if that has any bearing on anything.

    Groom was a good friend in college but I haven’t seen him since my wedding 8 years ago.

    It’s both myself and my husband going.

    • Anonymous

      I give $200 in this situation but I’m sure there are people who will give much more and much less. Really the answer is whatever you can afford and want to give.

      • SC

        +1. If I’m attending the wedding, I give/spend around $150. That’s regardless of where the wedding is–I set the number based on my budget, not my friends’ wealth, where the wedding is held, or how fancy the wedding is.

    • anne-on

      Would say anywhere from $150-$300 depending on how close you are, and how much you care about ‘covering your plate’ – most NYC venues are probably close to $200/head but less for a daytime Sunday reception.

    • OP

      Helpful, thanks! We were thinking $200-$250, sounds like that’s not too off in either direction? He was young and poor when he came to our wedding (so were we), so going off what he gave us doesn’t make sense. We were also not in NYC (we were DC, though I’m from the part of NJ that associates itself with NYC and DH is from Boston).

  31. Anon

    Does anyone ever regret spending too little on their wedding? I am feeling quite a bit of pressure from both sets of parents to do something “nice” (whatever that means) I guess for the sake of appearances. I feel like we could accomplish “nice” without all the trappings but I am wondering if I will regret not really making the most of the occasion, if that makes any sense. I feel like the hardest part of this process is dealing with other people’s expectations.

    • Anon

      I don’t know anyone who’s ever regretted spending too little on the trappings. We spent much less on our wedding than we theoretically could have afforded and skipped things like flowers and favors. The food was good but basic; we had an open bar, although beer and wine would have been fine; and a local DJ instead of a live band. I did spend money on accommodations for close family/friends who would not otherwise have been able to afford to come, and that’s an expenditure that was absolutely worthwhile.

      Bottom line, as long as you provide reasonably delicious food and booze, people will be happy. They’re there to celebrate you and your marriage after all. Several years later, I only remember the people and the love, not any of the details. I could have easily spent twice as much money on Pinterest-y stuff and it would’ve been a total waste.

    • Anonymous

      I regret having a wedding. I wanted to elope so we wouldn’t have to deal with anyone else’s expectations.

      Are you paying for this wedding? If so, your parents don’t get to tell you what to do for the sake of appearances. If they are paying, they get a little more input.

    • Marilla

      I think this is one of those things where there’s no right answer, but I have the opposite feeling – I regret how much we spent on the wedding and I still wish we would have had something more low-key and “us”. It was a beautiful wedding, everyone had a great time, my MIL was over the moon – but when I look back at the numbers I just think one day is not worth it.

    • Anon

      10+ years out, no. We approached it as “our one chance to throw a party for everyone we love” so we did pay extra for the things that would help our guests have a good time – transportation from the hotel/reception to the church, open bar, better food. We spent very little on everything else, like my dress, decorations, photog, favors, etc. We didn’t have a videographer and haven’t missed it once. We spent that money on welcome baskets in the hotel, aka dollar store gift bags with a welcome letter from us, a list of the bus times back and forth to the church, directions to local places of interest (like a Target), and suggestions on things to do, plus some snacks and water bottles and aspirin and decks of cards. We also spent it on babysitters in a side hotel room (complete with printed credentials and background info) so our friends with young kids could still enjoy the night.

      It was a fun party to celebrate everyone we loved, so I don’t regret the programs printed on regular paper, or the lack of flowers, or absence of cocktail napkins, or speshul details like mason jar favors or whatever. Our friends and family had a good time, and that was the point.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I don’t! My wedding was about as fancy as a dinner party at my parents’ house. Everyone had a great time and told me the tables were pretty.

      What I regret is only eating half a piece of cake.

      • Violette

        Your comment made me laugh because I say the same thing! I was one of the first of my friends to get married, and my standard reply when they are now planning their weddings and asking if I regret anything is “not getting to eat more than one bite of cake.”

    • Anon

      agree it depends on what nice is. I had a fairly fancy wedding but did not want a videographer at the times, which I now regret. Not for a full length video, but for one of the short highlight videos. I also wish we’d spent a tiny bit more on our flowers. Do any of these things matter in the grand scheme of life – of course not!

    • Anonymous

      Sort of. We had a cheap, low-key wedding (Sunday morning ceremony, followed by a very nice sit down lunch). Our big expenses were the venue + catering, the photographer and flowers. We skipped a lot of things that I have no regrets about – live music, decorations (other than flowers), alcohol (other than passed champagne and wine), hotel welcome baskets, all sorts of Pinterest-y details, etc.

      That said, I was the first of my friends to get married and now that I have spent many thousands of dollars traveling to weddings, I wish we had made the wedding more affordable for our friends to attend and I wish I had covered more costs for the wedding party. Most people had to fly there, which would have been true wherever we got married, but we picked a resort-y area in high season where the hotels are mostly over $250 per night. I think if I’d appreciated how expensive weddings are to attend, I would have given more serious thought to getting married in my hometown, where nice hotels are under $100. I also think we should have made more of a weekend out of it and thrown a brunch or dinner for all guests to give people more of a chance to socialize and to have another meal on us. I also wish we’d paid for our bridesmaids’ dresses and the groomsmen’s tux rentals since those were significant expenses for them on top of the cost of travel, and I have now realized that doing so is fairly standard (I had no idea at the time).

      So, yes, I regret only spending $15k on my wedding weekend, but not because the wedding itself wasn’t “nice” enough.

    • Anonymous

      Hardest part of the process is dealing with other peoples expectations.

      Only thing I regret not spending more on was the photography. My sister’s BFF who has worked part-time as a wedding photographer offered to do the pictures for free to add to her portfolio. The pictures are adequate but I don’t love them or display them. I would have spent big on the photographer I really wanted if I had my time back.

      • Anonymous

        +1, I had a professional photographer, but price was one of the highest considerations in choosing her. I wish I had chosen a more experienced photographer, and asked her to stay for longer.

    • Anon

      I regret not getting a videographer, which would have been an additional $5000, minimum.

    • Yes, I regret this...

      I spent $99 on my wedding dress, and I regret it. Parents were driving the budget out of control, and I felt like my dress was the ONLY thing that I could control at the time – and also thinking that maybe if I set an example then the parents would follow suit. I went straight to the clearance rack at David’s Bridal, tried one dress that was super marked down, and bought it and walked out.

      I’m so sad that I didn’t enjoy shopping for my dress like everybody else does. Plus it was a fine dress, but I didn’t love it at all. Totally money-driven decision.

  32. Anonymous

    Is anyone following the Nassar sentencing? Curious what judges and/or those who practice criminal law think of the judge’s comments to the victims.

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