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This sweater makes my preppy little heart sing. I love a dramatic bow, and even more so when it’s a dickey that doesn’t provide too much bulk under a sweater.
I would probably wear this neatly tied in a bow, similar to how it’s pictured here, but it would also look cool with an asymmetrical knot or left untied. For bottoms, I would fully lean into the preppy look and wear it with navy ankle pants and loafers.
The sweater is $498 and available in sizes XS–XL. Madras Dickey Wool Sweater
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Sluggishness/brain fog
Wondering if there is advice for me on how to address some serious brain fog/sluggishness. Feel like I am constantly running in slow motion. I will definitely try to see a Dr. but I just moved so don’t have a new PCP yet. I exercise about 3x week and walk about 7k steps per day. After a full day of moving, or immediately after a run, I generally feel a bit better. But the rest of the time I am really struggling with major brain fog and sluggishness. For instance, it takes about 2 hours for me to feel fully awake in the morning, and that’s after getting outside in bright sunlight as soon as possible, getting moving/walking, and maybe 3 espressos. I’m averaging 8.5 hrs of sleep, usually waking up briefly 2x in the night. It’s really hard for me to wake up if the daylight is not very bright (I leave curtains open while sleeping). I’ve never been a morning person, and always get a second wind around 10pm – it’s easy for me to feel fully awake from 10pm-2am even if I felt sluggish all day. This doesn’t work because most of my obligations begin around 8am. Trying to figure this out because my work is very challenging right now and I really need all of my faculties to get it done properly – and not waste so many hours of the day feeling like it takes forever to ‘ramp up’ to productivity. I’ve noticed eating less meat and dairy seems to help a bit, so I’m trying that out. Are there any other things I could try?
Ellen
Dad is not an MD, but he thinks that your issues may include COVID fatigue and other psychological ramifications related thereto. He notes that you have not mentioned family or an SO, which is why he thinks isolationism may be partially responsible. Even me, who has strong family and work freinds, feels the affect of COVID isolation, as I have no SO to lean on (or be physical with). Dad appreciates the need for touch and physical connection (which does NOT have to include P in V s-x), and the lack of connection can cause this kind of brain fog. Also, you are new to the area, which likely plays into the isolation. Dad suggests you make some kind of emotional connection locally, if possible; and if not, through a local cleargyman/woman who can give advice, if not physical connections. In the meantime, you always have us in the HIVE to connect with virtually, and if you are in NYC, let me and Myrna know, and we can all be freinds together! YAY!!!
Clementine
Definitely see a doctor and get some blood work. Some other causes of this could be thyroid hormones being off, low vitamin levels (B or D come to mind specifically).
As work strategies: is there any way you can plan your more brain intensive work for the times your brain is most ‘awake’. For example, I try and do as many conference calls as possible between 1-3 because that’s the time my brain hits a ‘lull’ and I find minimal self motivation. Booking conference calls during this time basically forces me to be actively working and makes sure I’m structuring my day to be as efficient as possible.
Anon
I agree about thyroid, vitamin D, and B vitamins as worthy of investigation. Sleep apnea or some kind of digestive trouble may be worth looking at too. I sometimes feel this way when I have a low level infection or imbalance (in my case, I often feel this way when I have oral thrush, which for me is nearly always a sign of the same issue in my whole GI system, because I’m mildly immune compromised). These kinds of issues can be very easy to treat, so even though the symptoms are kind of vague, it’s worth investigating if it can take you from “feeling off” to feeling great again.
Seafinch
This really sounds like sleep apnea. Especially waking 2x. Treating it is life altering.
Anonymous
If you are eating less meat, how is your iron?
Anon
I’ve dealt with this my whole life. I have been diagnosed and treated for so many different things but the only one that has made a difference is starting Wellbutrin for depression.
Other diagnoses I’ve had include sleep apnea, thyroid, vitamin D, an auto immune disorder or three, allergies, B-12, ADHD. I don’t think any of those diagnoses were wrong, per se. Each improved my life some. The cpap made me stop feeling totally hungover in the morning but my day/night switch still felt broken.
Just curious, did you ever work shift work or a non-traditional schedule? Right after college and before law school I had a job where I worked half the week 6:30 am to 3:00 pm and half the week 2:00 pm to 10:30 pm with frequent OT from 10:00 pm to 6:30 am. I think this majorly messed up my circadian rhythms. At the same time, my husband was working a job where he worked first shift for 2 weeks, second for 2 weeks, third for 2 weeks on a continuous rotation. His shifts were different than mine and we were in a one bedroom apartment so we’d sometimes wake each other up when the other came to bed or got up in the AM. Even though I only did that job 2 years and he moved off rotating shifts after a year, I still think it did something to my body at a time my brain was still developing (22-24) and it never went back to “normal.”
Anon
I should add that my shifts changed in such a crappy way mid-week where I’d get out at 10:30 pm on a Sunday night and after be back at 6:30 am on Monday, and I had a 45 minute commute. That “turnaround” night was the worst.
Anon
Did they treat the B12 deficiency with supplements or with injections? I learned the hard way that with autoimmune conditions, sometimes only injections work on symptoms (supplements can raise levels on the labs, but it can be misleading).
I think with ADHD, sleep and circadian rhythms can be extra hard to manage.
Anon
Sublingual. My labs have looked good for a few years so I haven’t taken it in awhile.
Anon
It may be worth investigating further… The serum B12 lab is not really reliable enough to go by. For me the sublinguals gave me a very slight boost in energy, but a series of injections profoundly improved my symptoms (which I had also previously been managing with Wellbutrin, though more for fatigue than depression). This took my medical team years to figure out, even though it’s not all that uncommon for autoimmune thyroid patients either to have antibodies against the cells that produce stomach acid and intrinsic factor or antibodies against intrinsic factor itself.
Anon
Thanks. Did you figure it out and bring it to your medical team or did they suggest it to you? I hate sounding like I rely on Dr. Google more than my docs medical degree but I could always say “I was talking to a friend with a similar problem …”
Anon
My primary care doctor suggested it to me; one of them said he had been reading about it and had an “a ha” moment when he saw in my family history that my grandmother had had pernicious anemia. He took more of a “can’t hurt, could help” attitude to it, but when I followed up with my neurologist, he took it more seriously and was able to confirm w/an antibody test (it’s apparently quite common to be seronegative, but I tested positive when finally tested).
I don’t actually know what my PCP had been reading, but when I was Googling, I found a 2018 article on the “Many Faces of Cobalamin (B12) Deficiency” that helped me understand how it can be easy to miss.
Anne-on
I DO have anxiety, but I also notice that the ‘brain fog’/sluggishness is much, much worse right before my period. The Wellbutrin has helped a TON with both, but I’d say a high dose fish oil pill plus B12 and vitamin D (and a sun lamp in winter) are all very very helpful. The fish oil more with the brain fog, and the sun lamp/B12/vitamin D more with the sluggishness..
anonymous
If other bloodwork is not conclusive, consider getting tested for Celiac disease.
Sluggish OP
Thank you for the replies – good things to think about. Had not considered iron, but I track everything I eat (on cronometer) bc I am trying to lose the last 10lbs so should be possible to see if I am not getting enough. Honestly to anon 10:17 who mentioned Wellbutrin, I had considered whether this is a result of some general anxiety – I am a really bad ruminator and do have some stressors in my life (hello 2020 but also I deal with some imposter syndrome at work that requires energy to deal with). But it’s so significant, and so persistent even on great workdays, it feels more like something is physically wrong too.
Anon
I am not the poster above, but I have had exactly the same symptoms, many of the same diagnosis, and the only thing that fixed it was depression medications. My psychologist calls it a-typical depression. Not sure if that helps at all, but especially if you are experiencing anxiety, it is probably worth looking into.
Anon
I would be cautious with psychiatry until after investigating physiological issues because some antidepressants (though, as far as I know, Wellbutrin is not one of these) can be a really bad experience when the underlying condition isn’t actually depression. I wouldn’t want to combine a sedating psych med with sleep apnea or hypothyroidism, for example.
Anonymous
Oh for sure! I just wanted to add my experience that if all the bloodwork came back clean, this would be a route that maybe she should look into. As I aluded too – I also underwent treatment for b12, vitamin D deficiency, anemia before going the psychiatry route. Some of those treatments actually did make a big difference in my quality of life, but the only one that seemed to resolve the issue was anti-depressants.
Anon
That makes complete sense. My doctors went about it the opposite way: they rushed me onto the antidepressants, and then I got to experience SSRI discontinuation while getting my thyroid treated. It was such a bad experience that I’m still a little wary of how some doctors do things. But I agree that it makes sense to keep psychiatrics on the table as something that could help.
Anonymous
Iron deficiency isn’t just your diet taking enough in (although that’s part). It’s also whether you may be losing it (heavy periods, some GI issues, etc.).
Anonymous
This is how I felt until I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I also needed a nap after most activities on the weekend. Once I got my medication figured out I felt much better.
Anon
I know it sounds crazy, but my diet affects me this much. Yep, really. Sugar and alcohol are killers for me. If I eat clean, I sleep better, hop up in the morning (and I am SOOO not a morning person), just feel so much better.
covid Q
Question on COVID and family visits: if extended family are able to access testing and test negative, what (if anything) can be done to buttress the trustworthiness of that result? Quarantining for 3-5 days before and minimizing any contacts afterward, until they arrive here at their destination? I am still feeling like a negative test isn’t a carte blanche for visits, especially given that these folks are going to weddings and parties and making fun Target runs when they’re bored, but the response from them is that if they do all that and test negative, that’s the end of the story. I’m hitting a wall trying to explain my thought and evaluate whether it’s excessively conservative. Help/thank you.
Anonymous
IDK if it helps but a coworker is family-pressured to go to a 100 person event and the coworker (young, no risk factors) will go and quarantine immediately afterwards for 2 weeks. I think that is the way to do it.
Anon
So it sounds like the issue isn’t the testing, it’s that you can’t trust these particular family members to strictly quarantine after the negative test and before they visit you. If that’s the case, then in my book, they don’t get to visit.
This is also why my parents will be visiting us after our baby is born next month, and my in-laws will not. Only one set can be trusted.
AnonATL
Ugh my MIL does not understand why she cannot take a 2.5 hour flight down and see our 6w old without a test and quarantine… so I’m the bad guy for keeping her away from her grandson “until college”
Trixie
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. Quarantine before the flight, test, and a one week quarantine are my guidelines.
Anon
You’re his mother, not her. When she was raising your husband, she got to make all sorts of decisions that other people might not like, and now, you get to do the same.
AnonATL
True and I intend to stand by this decision and many others. Doesn’t make it more pleasant to tell grandparents they can’t meet their grandson anytime soon
Anonymous
It’s really difficult when some family members are very uptight and some are looser. FWIW I think you should loosen up a little. The risk is more to her than you.Chances are no one will get sick if she does come. Chances are 100% she’ll hate you forever if she does not.
anonshmanon
It depends. If the MIL is out and about, going to parties and indoor dining, like so many are, but AnonATL and her family are mostly at home and very careful, then MIL would be increasing everybody’s risk by potentially being an asymptomatic spreader.
AnonATL
I mostly take issue with the flying part. If she drove, theres more control with exposure risk. They were planning to drive down for thanksgiving and I was totally fine with that plan.
She would also be returning home to a very recently post-radiation spouse and a son who works in a retirement home. The risk goes both ways, but this seems like a very bad idea hatched out of an understandable desire to see her grandson.
Anonymous
A negative test is a moment in time. If they take a test, and see no one in between taking the test and getting a negative and seeing you, great. If they take a test and see ten more people, then they might have Covid.
Mrs. Jones
Also, a false negative is more common than a false positive. It’s not a guarantee.
Anonymous
Our jurisdiction requires a 14 day quarantine as the tests are not considered reliable enough and you can catch in during transit which means you may not have enough virus in your system to be picked up in the test on landing. That said, I think it’s an overly cautious approach and I’d be okay with a negative test plus 5-7 day quarantine.
Anonymous
My recollection from the research is that 50% show symptoms 5 days after exposure, 98% by Day 11, and 100% by day 28.
Anon
I really think that whatever makes you feel comfortable is the right answer here. Like, you are not going to enjoy seeing these people if you are going to be paranoid the entire time that they went to some event without telling you, etc.
However, for some more objective advice– my friend’s pediatrician told her for newborn visitation that she is recommending that if family stays with her in her house (so unmasked, high contact), they quarantine for two weeks before arriving. Any family that does not stay with them should get have a negative test three days before the visit and wear masks once they visit.
blueberries
I don’t see why you have to convince your relatives, your discomfort is enough to postpone the visit. You know that you’re not comfortable—maybe it’s because false negatives exist, maybe because you don’t trust them to quarantine before the test (so they don’t get infected the day before the test and have too little virus to be detected, maybe you think they consider going to a restaurant that isn’t very busy compatible with quarantine.
I have loved ones with much different views of what steps are necessary in a Covid world. I can’t control them, but they also don’t get to override my approach.
LaurenB
Not addressing your overall question, but a masked/social distanced Target run really isn’t that big of a deal IMO.
Anonymous
That’s not relevant in any way
Registry Recs
Corporettes, what specific items would you recommend that I include on my wedding registry? OR, if you had a wedding registry, what gifts have you appreciated most over the years?
Looking for particular brands and specific items that have proven durable, useful, practical, and/or beautiful.
Assume the home needs to be completely outfitted; that the couple is opting not to register for china/crystal; and that the couple needs dishes, cookware, linens, and appliances.
Anonymous
Tervis tumblers
Mrs. Jones
Technivorm Moccamaster coffeemaker.
Mathy
+1 this is an excellent addition if you’re into coffee.
Anon
Good knives – Wustoff or Henkel, KitchenAid mixer, food processor, Vitamix blender
Away Game
+1. For food processor, I really like my Cuisinart. I’ve owned it now for 19 years.
Anon
I’ve had my top of the line Henckels knives for 20+ years. Get those. Don’t register for a set unless it’s a small set. Individual knives you need are a chef’s knife, a paring knife, and a serrated knife for tomatoes or bread. I have two serrated knives, a small knife for tomatoes and a big one for bread. You don’t need a slicer or a boning knife or a midsize utility knife or any of the extras they throw into sets to make you think you’re getting a deal, but you’re actually spending more on knives you won’t use much.
Cb
I like my Le Crueset stoneware, utensil pots, etc. I also use my Denby Dutch oven regularly, and the fact that I have a bright, pretty one makes me happy. I also really love the big pasta bowls, they are our most used items.
Anonymous
+1 to both – I love my Le Creuset pieces and we were gifted huge pasta bowls that I did not register for, but which are easily the one of the most used items in our kitchen.
Anonymous
There are dozens of lists of this all over the Internet- Zola is a good source
Registry Recs
Thank you! I’m using those lists, too—but I trust this group’s experience.
Anon
What a useless comment!
Mathy
Include: All Clad set from Williams-Sonoma (I believe we got an 11 piece set, it’s great); one non-stick pan for eggs; solid sets of dishware and glassware for every day that would pass for company (Crate and Barrel Staccato or Williams-Sonoma Coupe, or Fiesta if you want color; Duralex glassware); a flatware set from a company that has been around forever so you’ll be able to get replacement pieces if you lose any (C&B discontinued our line, would have rather gone with Oneida instead); OXO cooking utensils; the most comfortable sheets you can find (we like Hotel Collection); duvet and cover, with matching shams; embroidered his/her towels in coordinating colors (we did not do this and I regret it, I would love my husband to stop using the towel I have on my hook because he doesn’t hang his back up in the bathroom); a beautiful throw that is comfortable and looks great draped on the couch; beautiful matching picture frames for portraits you’d like to hang (we have both Ralph Lauren and Crate and Barrel, and they are lovely).
Exclude: specialty barware unless it’s your thing (it’s not ours, we have never used our beer or martini glasses); seasonal decor; most small appliances unless you FOR SURE know you are going to use it.
Registry Recs
Thank you for flagging discontinued sets! Would you worry about either place setting you mentioned being discontinued?
Anon
Check out liberty stainless. Made in the USA, very high quality stainless steel, and they don’t discontinue patterns. I have the pearl.
Mathy
Staccato and Fiesta have been around for many, many years; not sure about WS. I’d call the retailer to confirm, though.
Curious
I love our simple corelle. My husband loves the Le Creuset plates that were $12 each but are truly beautiful.
NY CPA
All Clad D3 cookware. I am not engaged or married, but this is the one thing I won’t pay for myself but would LOVE as a gift, so I’m saving for my registry one day. You don’t need the more expensive All-Clad lines, but you also don’t want the cheaper ones (cheaper ones you’re mostly just paying for the name.
If you don’t want something that expensive, I just got myself the Cuisinart Multiclad Pro set, which is a dupe for the All Clad D3 but is also well reviewed among the non-ultra-high-end cookwear sets, and I’ve been very impressed so far.
For bakewear, I love all my Chicago Metallic non-stick pans. As an avid baker, my KitchenAid stand mixer is a must, but if you’re not a frequent baker, it takes up a lot of space, so I would probably just get a KitchenAid hand mixer, which can do most of the same things (whip, blend, etc.) except deal with bread/pizza dough.
For other random kitchen tools, I find you pretty much never go wrong with Oxo Good Grips.
NY CPA
Oh and I forgot Le Creuset but saw someone mentioned it above. I would love a 5.5 qt round dutch oven from Le Creuset. Pick your color. If you happen to like redish orange, the “flame” color is the original and has been around for decades, so you could build a matching collection over time if you wanted. The others tend to discontinue after a few years, but I plan to do blue anyways and maybe just do a collection of different blues.
Cb
Ooh, we have a Flame teapot. We don’t use it that often as we have a Sage smart kettle set up but it is so so pretty. I’m a big fan of blues though, I think you can do all different shades. We have navy and white Denby dishware, and blue Le crueset pots and accessories, and some special Polish pottery pieces.
CBT without a therapist?
Does anyone have any experience doing cognitive behavioral therapy by themselves? I would like to use this to manage a phobia I have developed (it is not anything serious but is work related). Unfortunately my options are quite limited and not practical in terms of finding someone nearby and within my insurance coverage. I saw someone mention on another post, the book “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook”, and it made me wonder if I could read some good resources and try to work on this by myself. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or suggestions!
Registry Recs
Thank you for these very thoughtful recommendations! And I hadn’t thought about colors being discontinued, so I’m so glad you flagged that for me.
Anon
The red is a pretty safe color too, in terms of never being d/c
Clementine
Heavy duty everyday dishes. We have the Brasserie line from Williams Sonoma and I would 100% recommend it. It’s our everyday dishware but it looks nice enough to have out at a holiday.
Other things I have surprisingly appreciated: a nice tea kettle (Le Creuset), nice candle sticks (I think they’re Waterford Crystal but I also suggest looking at Danforth Pewter for cool stuff – which I would never have bought myself but love putting out at holidays), new cookie sheets (Nordic Ware – I think of my dad’s BFF’s wife every time I bring them out), and some nice knives (Wusthof).
Things that I wish I had put on the registry but either 1. thought it was too expensive or 2. didn’t realize how much I would use them are a Vitamix and a Le Creuset enameled dutch oven.
Anon
Rubbermaid 3-Step Lightweight Aluminum Step Stool with Oversized Project Tray
Vicky Austin
I wish I’d registered for a Dutch oven and some pretty baking dishes (maybe Emile Henry?).
Aunt Jamesina
While it’s *technically* china, I love having plain white bone china (no metallic detailing so it can go in the microwave and dishwasher) for my regular place settings. It’s thin, light, and surprisingly durable– not a single broken item in nine years of use, and can very be easily dressed up. I also love Duralex glassware and nesting bowls for mixing (get the bowls with lids so they can double as storage). They’re classic and super durable. I once dropped a glass on ceramic tile and it rolled about 10 feet and didn’t get a single chip.
For baking, the Nordicware naturals line of baking sheets and muffin tins wear like iron AND you can get lids for almost everything. They aren’t nonstick, but nonstick pans have a limited lifespan no matter how much you baby them. The muffin tin lid fits a a quarter sheet pan. With that said, get lids for every conceivable bowl and serving piece possible so items can easily be stored without using foil or plastic wrap.
Get a good blender (Blendtech or Vitamix) if you want a blender. Cheap ones are a waste of money.
Pyrex Ultimate glass storage with white silicone lids hold up, seal well, and look nicer than most food storage options and can be used in the oven.
Wustof Classic knives if you don’t want to research knives until the end of time. You can get away with a chef’s knife, a paring knife, and an inexpensive bread knife (Victorinox is good) for 99% of applications.
Henckels stainless steak knives (stainless handles so they can go in the dishwasher and look a bit fancier than the wood ones). Only get 18/10 for anything stainless if you want it to last.
Registry Recs
This is a wealth of information. Thank you so much.
Anon
If you only said no thanks to China because you want it to be dishwasher safe, my Kate Spade dishes have the metallic detailing but are still dishwasher safe.
Aunt Jamesina
Have fun! One more piece that I agree with others to get is an enameled cast iron Dutch oven. I have a Staub, but both Staub and Le Creuset are excellent. Get it in a gorgeous color! A Lodge cast iron skillet is a good add-on, also for very little money.
Anon
The most used and most durable items from our registry are All Clad pots and pans, Le Creuset French oven and casserole dishes, high quality heavy flatware, and Heath Ceramics plates and bowls. We didn’t get a whole set of All Clad, just two pots and two pans, and I’ve never felt the need for more, but we’re minimalists.
Anon
Le Creuset: dutch oven, skillet, grill pan, baking dishes (the latter are inexpensive)
Stemless washable wine glasses
Mud Pie household goods. Our taco platter is a surprisingly useful item; it is so much better than putting out 5 or 6 different bowls. You can definitely overdo it, but I like their stuff because it’s affordable by registry standards and goes with everything.
Cheese board/tray
Gravy boat
I know you said no china or crystal; however, I really do recommend registering or purchasing one very nice set of champagne flutes.
Registry Recs
The champagne flutes are a sensible (and fun) exception! I’m persuaded!
AnonATL
It’s not exactly *fancy* but I will shout the praises of Corelle from the rooftops. It’s nonbreakable and less heavy which are great benefits for everyday use and moving.
I would also suggest some larger classic style servewear. Think something you could serve the thanksgiving turkey in.
Oh and good sheets! Like 2 sets.
Curious
Yes yes yes Corelle :) It does not break and it takes up so little space and it’s lightweight.
We love our Brooklinen sheets.
I find our Le Creuset skillet more trouble to clean than it’s worth (it’s not fully enameled, so you have to baby the cast iron part). Wish we had just stick to the Dutch Oven.
Veronica Mars
One more rec, in the actual thread this time! I really like Nora Fleming serving ware if you’re into holiday decor (I know not everyone is). But basically, the concept is you buy one white stoneware serving piece (or set) and then you get small mini charms that you can use for holiday decor to stick on the set. (Hard to describe, just google it). I think they’re so cute and hugely space saving. But then again, I love holiday decor.
Registry Recs
How cute! Thank you for taking the time to make these recommendations.
Anonymous
How does a couple need that much stuff? Have they not lived out of their parents homes or dorms? I get this if these are teens but that seems so unlikely these days. Like they have no towels and no dishes?
Anon
Maybe they have crappy starter stuff and want nice new stuff to start their marriage with? We certainly had something to eat off of in my first apartment but it isn’t what I wanted to start my real home with. It was a hodge podge of stuff from Kmart and yard sales and thrift stores.
Also, maybe they are young and marrying right out of college or lived at home prior to the wedding. It’s not that unheard of.
Anonymous
I feel bad for single people. They have to buy their stuff. Or just keep using the crappy stuff they started with.
Anon
This is why my single friends get gift cards for their birthdays but my married friends don’t.
(Can you tell I married late in life?)
Anon
I’ve had friends do “single person registries” for birthdays, and I have bought from those registries. This is something that is within people’s control, as long as they’re willing to be proactive and brave, and not see themselves as victims of circumstance.
Anon
Or moving back from abroad or cross country, where bringing your thrift store and hand me down and 10 year old stuff might not make sense.
Abby
Got married at 26, all of my items were what I had from college, mismatched plates & cups, towels, sheets. We didn’t move in together til after we got married.
Vicky Austin
Yup, same. ;)
Registry Recs
We each have been using a hodge-podge collection of inherited items since college. (Think an older sibling’s hand-me-down IKEA plates, fraying towels from a relative’s bathroom remodel). What we have works and we’re grateful that it was gifted to us at a time when we couldn’t afford the .
But some needs to be replaced, and many sheer gaps in the cabinets need to be filled. For example, neither of us owns a single wine glass. Part of this has been that we’ve been just starting out professionally and money has been going to emergency funds and student loans. Part has been that we consciously chose to wait until a wedding to purchase and request home goods.
I also want to note: We plan to pass along our not-damaged, still serviceable items to a family members about to head to college (just like how we got them in the first place!).
Curious
Good for you being frugal!
Anonyz
I’ve never lived alone. Went back home after college, saved money for a year, then moved in with husband on our wedding day.
Anon
I used to be you, judging other people’s registries. You know what? Ten years of marriage in, I own 90% of the stuff on this list, and I have to say, it makes my life easy and happy to have a Vitamix, nice cookie sheets, “special” dishes, a food processor and nice candlesticks or a pitcher from a beloved friend. We eloped so we didn’t get a lot of gifts, but I treasure the ones people chose to send us. When we got married everything I owned was a hand me down. DH was fresh out of the military and owned: a motorcycle, a french press, a locker full of books and an air mattress. End of list. A registry is about curating a list of nice to haves for your family and friends who love you and want to celebrate your new life. If anything, I think registries are more justified these days when we can’t all be together to celebrate in person.
Vicky Austin
“end of list” cracked me up.
JTM
We registered for a lot of stuff from Crate & Barrel and we still use them 5+yrs later! I really love everything we got.
We went for things like serving dishes, flatware, stemware, barware and a Cuisinart toaster oven that’s used daily.
No Face
Other people have the rest covered, but registered but get a clothes steamer!
SSJD
Cuisinart food processor; handheld blender, Kitchenaid mixer. Agree about Duralex glasses and mixing bowls with lids (lids on everything!). A nice tablecloth with matching napkins.
Anonymous
zoijirushi rice maker, nice knives (we got shun), oxo food mill, kitchenaid mixer, cuisinart food processor, vitamix blender, all clad stainless steel set, a microplaner, half sheet and quarter sheet aluminum baking pans from nordic ware, silpat silicone mats for baking trays so you dont have to use parchment paper or aluminum foil constantly. we got a staub wok which i love.
Anonie
Just wanted to say congratulations and thanks for starting this thread! Useful for me, too, as another engaged reader :)
anonshmanon
congratulations!
Anonymous
Only register for items that you will actually use.
Anonymous
A lot of items seem nice and shiny listed here and then sit in a cabinet unused for years after the wedding.
givemyregards
I pretty much registered exclusively for things we already had that needed to be thrown out (scratched up non-stick pans, beat up cookie sheets, etc.) and a *few* things that I really knew we would use based on not having them for a long time and wishing we did (extra set of sheets, a few specific cocktail making things that my husband wanted) and as a results we use every single item we registered for at least once a week. I think it was easier since we were in our mid-30s and had been living together for a while – I think it’s harder for people who go straight from their parents house and have mom saying “oh you need 45 waterford vases and silver picture frames and enough serving platters to serve 80 people!!”
Anon
If you have religious or other ritual items, that is a great thing to register for — e.g., Shabbat candlesticks, Seder plate, Christmas tree topper, special tablecloth to use for Thanksgiving every year, whatever your favorite holiday is there is surely some sort of useful or decorative object for it.
If you don’t have a robot vacuum, that’s also a great item if you are including pricier things.
Registry Recs
This is great. We celebrate Christmas, but have no decorations besides a small tabletop tree. I wouldn’t have thought of this on my own.
Anonyz
Buy your dishes, glassware, and bakingware at a restaurant store instead of registering for them. I bought heavy-duty classic pieces for everything, saved a literal fortune, and have thrown out only one chipped plate in twenty years of clutziness.
A full set of dishes for twelve people was about $250, it’s a simple and classic design that is always available and never discontinued, and I can shove everything in the dishwasher on “tough” without obsessing about it scratching or fading.
Agree with Mathy about sticking with Oneida. I inherited my grandmother’s flatware, and was able to fill out missing pieces by contacting them and having the retired design re-made.
Registry Recs
I’d never heard of Oneida! Thank you both. And the restaurant tip is also brilliant.
Gail the Goldfish
the things I use the most that I got as wedding presents are small–stainless steel measuring cups and spoons (mine are All Clad; my one complaint with the measuring spoons is they are traditional round shape, and I think a rectangular or oval shape would make it easier to get in the spice jars, if that makes sense), and a vegetable chopper (this one: https://www.crateandbarrel.com/oxo-vegetable-chopper/s177129). The vegetable chopper makes prepping onions and bell peppers so much easier. I also got a good big cuisinart food processor, though I will say I don’t use that as much as I thought I would–I usually still just reach for my mini 1-cup ones.
Gail the Goldfish
Oh, and if you bake at all and don’t already have a Kitchenaid Stand MIxer, 1000% worth it.
Registry Recs
Avid baker who has strong forearm muscles from a decade of hand-whisking! This is my single most wanted item.
Anononon
Seconding all of these recommendations about good knives. Please measure your arm, though – your most used chef’s knife should be as long as your forearm (elbow to wrist). If you are shorter or have t-rex arms (like I do), you’ll want something in the 6 or 7 inch range. If you are taller/have longer arms, you will want an 8 or 9 inch blade. Having a good knife that is properly weighted and sized for you makes a huge difference. My husband and I each have a preferred knife; mine (5’2″) is 7 inches, his (6′) is 9.
FYI, my knives are a mix of brands, but my favorites are by far Mac. They are just balanced right for me. Henkels, Wusthoff, or Shun are also great. If you are in a part of a country where you can go to a store and hold some knives in your hand (and feel comfortable doing so), I would do that. They’re like shoes – everyone may say Ferragamos are comfy, but if they don’t work for your feet they don’t work for your feet.
anon a mouse
We were very judicious about our registry and still have almost everything. Our high-end MVPs are a Kitchenaid mixer and Le Creuset 5.5 casserole. Our low-end MVPs are Oxo rubber bottom mixing bowls (the best!) and Corningware casserole dishes (small ones that are perfect for side dishes). Also gadgets – a good wooden spoon, set of 1-, 2- and 4-cup liquid measuring cups, a Y-peeler, small and large whisks, silicon spatulas in 2 sizes, Silpats, etc.
Mal
– Repeating the All-Clad recommendation, HOWEVER, I would say it’s best to register for the individual pieces, rather than a set. That way, you only get skillets/pans you will actually use, and not have ones that just collect dust. Can’t hurt these! Can take a beating and will last forever. A surprisingly useful piece is my 14 inch covered saute pan – have found that the extra room really comes in handy!
– High-quality wooden cutting board on the larger side. I hear Boos boards recommended a lot. Will last you a lifetime if cared for.
– Love my Duralex Picardie glasses – the 17oz is a great water/tea glass, and the 8oz is perfect for juice, and even casual wine nights. Very very sturdy and lovely to hold. They also stack which is great for storage.
– 12 inch cast iron skillet – Lodge is the classic and will work for all kinds of applications. Find that this is the perfect size for most things.
– Several sizes of glass Pyrex measuring cups – besides measuring, great for microwaving things. The 4 cup size is great, as is the two cup.
– Heavy duty half-sheet and quarter sheet pans with rolled edges (like from the restaurant supply), crappy ones will warp in the oven.
– Beautiful serving pieces that you love: These are what you’ll use for holidays, potlucks etc. that you’ll enjoy using.
—- My two cents: These are items I know will really last you. Register for the better-made version of the things you know you will love. People will be happy to pay the few extra dollars for the solid stainless measuring cup set vs. plastic, for example. Always shocked what stuff my folks still use that are 35 years old! Also, check out Wirecutter for reviews – they do a great jobs of finding the best items for the money, and can help you pick things out!
Congrats on your wedding!
Mal
One more thing – on the small side, Get It Right (GIR) silicone spatulas are the BEST. no nooks or crannies for gunk.
anon
For the kitchen:
– Good knives. We have Wustoff, but I recommend going to a kitchen store and feeling what looks good. There are also a lot more good Japanese knives available than when I got married, and I’d check those out too.
– Nice wooden cutting board, plus a plastic cutting board if you cook meat.
– Le Creuset Dutch oven.
– Cast iron pan.
– Glass pyrex dishes that are safe for oven and freezer.
– Stainless steel pots and pans. I have All Clad, a mix of the standard and the copper core. Add a large stock pot, but there’s no reason to get an expensive one.
– Nonstick pan — one 9-10 inch.
– Nonstick bake ware.
– Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I also suggest registering for any attachments you find interesting. We have the meat grinder, ice cream bowl, and pasta rollers, and while we don’t use any of them often, they don’t take up a ton of room, and they’re fun for projects.
– Cuisinart food processor (the big one).
– Breville toaster oven, if you have a lot of counter space.
– Cooking utensils like wooden spoons, rubber spatulas, etc.
– Small appliances – Cuisinart immersion blender, electric spice grinder, electric pepper mill. None of these have proven particularly durable, but they are useful, and they round out the registry with cheaper items.
– Mixing bowls. I have sets of stainless steel, glass, and stoneware mixing bowls, and they’re all used multiple times a week.
– Other useful items, if you don’t have them – box grater, handheld zester, salad spinner, mortar and pestle, citrus juicer, rolling pin, storage containers, stainless steel measuring cups, stainless steel measuring spoons.
Even if you’re not registering for china and crystal, register for serving pieces. We never have enough. They can coordinate with your dishes rather than match them. But register for multiple platters, bowls, etc.
Sloan Sabbith
Espresso machine. I have a Breville Infuser and love it. I’ve figured out how to steam and froth the milk and so it finally is like a Starbucks latte rather than a sad substitute with the older espresso machine I had (the Mr Coffee espresso with milk “frother”).
Also, a toaster oven with air fryer. I use my toaster oven every single day, and using the air fryer rack to reheat pizza or sandwiches is so much better than even just putting them in the toaster oven.
Anon
Knife sharpener.
Anonymous
For incredibly beautiful everyday dishes, bowls, and mugs — Heath Ceramics. Handmade in San Francisco with good environmental practices and labor standards — and founded by a woman! It’s hard to explain how beautiful and functional they are, and the online photos don’t do them justice. They haven’t discontinued their classic lines and colors in decades, so no worries about replacement. We got them ten years ago and they bring me joy every day.
Anonymous
If you are living in a long-term home with a garden – trees! Fruit trees or trees with beautiful flowers or foliage that you can look at every day.
Quality tools that will last. Electric drill, sewing machine, nice screw drivers… I like Dewalt for the electic ones, Stanley for hand tools. Bosch for kitchen tools.
A beautiful wall clock, from George Nelson (the Sunflower is my favourite), Mondaine or whatever design works for you.
Useful small items: garlic pot, silicone spatulas, small paring knife (Victorinox is fine), nice tin opener (Oxo Good Grips), small and sharp cheese grater for parmesan, electric kitchen scales, a pretty and dishwasher safe glass mug with a lid that will fit in your refridgerator door (IKEA is fine, just something you’ll want to put water or Pimm’s in). Kitchen scissors/shears (Fiskars).
Anonymous
Ah, as a person who is still single, I dream of having all the fancy stuff someday. It is easy to think that me cooking skills would improve so much if only I had the high end equipment that all the married people have!
Serafina
I just looked up the George Nelson Sunflower clock – it’s beautiful and $1500??
(1) Do people really put 1500 items on their registry
(2) Is there a cheaper version because I that’s beautiful and I’d love to have one but not going to pay 1500.
Corona Qs
Have we learned any more re the Skagit choir? Are super-spreaders a thing? We some people sick already (in a way we should recognize now but maybe wouldn’t appreciate early in a new pandemic)? Maybe someone knows but for privacy we can’t be told that.
I feel that the unknowns re spread (eg the sick OK hair cutters who b/c of masking spread it to no one) and outliers (poor Nick Cordero, who we watched through an amputation and as he eventually lost his fight) haven’t moved in any articles I’ve come across, even as rates have declined and a vaccine is being tested.
Will we never understand more than “masks good” while we wait for a vaccine? And did we ever get clarity on whether this is (always? Often? Sometimes?possibly?) airborne or droplet-spread?
Spinning my wheels while I dread that the unknowns will result in our schools being closed the whole year (people are afraid of the unknown unknowns) and hoping I can keep robbing Peter to pay Paul long enough to not lose my job.
Mrs. Jones
It’s spread by droplets.
Anonymous
I think you need to focus not on these questions but on your anxiety. It’s clear that outdoors is better than indoors, masks help, and distance help. It seems fairly clear that most spread is through breathing in droplets, not surfaces, and that airborne transmission is possible although less likely. That’s all that anyone knows.
Anon
I believe the OP is concerned that unknowns are causing us to be overly conservative, and maybe we could have avoided the Skagit event had we recognized signs of illness that we weren’t familiar with then. I don’t necessarily agree, though there are some things working in our favor now: masks (where people will wear them), therapeutic treatments (limited, such as remdesivir and dexamethasone, but better than nothing), and precautions to keep transmission out of nursing homes.
Anon
Airborne transmission IS occurring – it’s not just “possible.”
Anonymous
Yeah, there have been numerous publications on this and a number of scientists have asked the CDC to update their confusing communication on this point. Assume airborne transmission.
Anonymous
The Skagit choir incident happened way back in March. They rehearsed in close quarters without masks. Singing is one of the riskiest possible activities because it forcefully expels a lot of respiratory droplets.
Yes, we know that SARS-CoV2 is spread through respiratory droplets in the air. Early in the pandemic there was a false dichotomy drawn between “airborne” and “respiratory droplet” spread. It spreads through the air in droplets of all sizes, and smaller droplets travel farther. Everyone should wear masks and avoid large gatherings. Don’t participate in, or let your kids participate in, group singing. Don’t play wind instruments in a group. If you don’t trust your school district, homeschool (we are prepared to do this if necessary).
LifeScienceMBA
This.
Isn’t it baffling that we could have probably summarized all of this in March with 4-5 bullet points on a poster? Just shows you how messed up communication was from our authorities (CDC, WHO, governments etc).
Anonymous
Yes. But in the 6 months since then, I feel like we everyday people have gained no new understandings. Just wear a mask. Be outdoors.
How much sage do I have to burn to make this dumpster fire of a year go away?!
Anonymous
Don’t burn anything else. Fires are one of the problems with 2020.
LaurenB
This virus didn’t arrive with bullet points nicely laid out. The science evolved. That’s what science does as new data comes in. Anyway, it was always very clear that wearing a mask *was* a good idea but at the beginning it was being discouraged bc it was more important that masks be reserved for health care workers. A lot of people do this faux “they told us it wasn’t that important” to justify not wanting to wear it themselves now.
Anonymous
It was always very clear in terms of common sense and science that masks were helpful, but the public health messaging wasn’t just “save the limited supply of masks for health professionals.” The federal government actually told people that masks would not help, and could actually harm, laypeople who were not trained to wear them properly.
Anon
Agree with Anon at 2:12 – there was a lot of messaging that unless you were highly trained, masks were actually going to cause more harm than good. I don’t think that’s a good justification for anyone to not wear one now but please don’t pretend like this wasn’t an actual thing the government said.
LaurenB
But that messaging flipped to “mask = good for everyone” by early April, so what’s the point of discussing about how it wasn’t perfect in the beginning? Once it became “mask = good for everyone” and it became feasible for regular people to get masks and not take them out of the hands of health care workers, what’s the point of continuing to dwell on the very early (two weeks at most) mixed message?
Anon
I’m dwelling on it because the people I know who insist masks are harmful are still dredging up those earlier statements. I’m angry about being lied to and cannot effectively persuade anti-maskers with sources that have lost credibility by changing their tune with no reference to science.
anon
no one is dwelling on it, just pointing out that maybe the US government isn’t a reliable source of information in these times.
anonshmanon
+1 to all of this. OP, it sounds to me like you expect maybe more clear cut answers than there exist. We have an understanding of these questions that you ask, but they are all a matter of probabilities, not simply x or y. It spreads mainly by droplets that fall to the ground within 6 feet, but of course the droplets come in a variety of sizes (some are so small that they can travel significantly farther, leading some people to use the word airborne). There is a small chance to get it through surfaces, so I’m sure among the 29 million infected people, some got it through surfaces.
From what I’ve read, superspreaders are a thing. We’ve learned a lot more than just to wear masks. There are a few different treatments now, medications, oxygen, positioning people on their belly has reduced the number of respirators needed.
There are also observations of the newly infected as local lockdowns ease, making very clear that transmission indoors is the biggest problem, but can be minimized with masks.
Anonymous
In our city, teachers seem to be so panicky almost that they keep resetting the goalposts to avoid going back. I feel that if the science were more solid than “wear masks,” we might have a reasoned community discussion about returning to the classroom. Positive tests are < 5% and now that seems to be not good enough. Ro has been below 1 for a while. In public schools we had discipline issues before but can’t expel a kid for mask violations. I’m not sure there is a will to go back before next fall except possibly for blind kids who cannot meaningfully learn via zoom and have very small class sizes to begin with.
Anonymous
If large indoor gatherings are restricted, how can school be held in person? Make it make sense.
ANON
Because schools are incredibly essential. How can you give up on kids that easily?
Anonymous
Because I’m not giving up on them, I’m not sending people to their deaths unnecessarily.
Anonymous
How can you be so cavalier about their health and lives?
Anon
Education and childcare are essential. I wouldn’t say that “schools” are.
Anonymous
Sending them to their deaths is . . . A bit much. Is everyone else still working also being sent to their deaths? If so, no one should leave the house ever again. Until their is a vaccine, which I guess will also be made by workers working at home???
Anon
So anyone who is working not remotely is being sent to their deaths…feels a bit dramatic.
ANON
Friends’ kids have been in day care all summer with no outbreaks. LIterally none. And there were one off parents who were diagnosed, but it was not spread to the kids’ classes. If there were an outbreak tied to a daycare, we would have known about it. We don’t.
And virtual school is super hard for me, working from home with a nanny, because I have two young kids. It is impossible for a single mom, an essential worker, someone who just doesn’t have the patience for the online system continually crashing. Yeah, I agree, “education not schools” is what is important if you live in utopia.
Anonymous
It’s not giving up on children to accept the fact that mass indoor gatherings can’t happen right now, no matter how “essential.” It’s weird that people overlook the fact that it’s a mass indoor gathering … just because they want it real bad. Wanting it real bad doesn’t make it possible, reasonable, or safe.
Anonymous
Anon @11:49, yikes, please google outbreaks at daycares.
anon
PP at 11:49, this is anecdata. Conversely, my friend’s 9-month-old had to be tested for COVID bc a caretaker and a toddler in her daycare both had COVID. These are anecdotes.
ANON
They both had to be tested but they were negative, yes? So that sort of proves my point.
Anon
I don’t blame teachers for not wanting to come back when the rest of society has opened up first, creating riper conditions for greater transmission. It’s insane to me that in San Francisco, literally everything seems to be opening before schools.
ANON
Doctors and nurses have gone every day without break since this started. Are teachers less essential that doctors and nurses? Not much.
Anon
The difference is doctors and nurses are working remotely where they are able to (telehealth visits) and are taking tons of new precautions in-person that can’t be done in schools. My doctors office has one person at a time in the waiting room and exam room and they scrub both after each patient. Schools are daily mass gathering events. Your grocery worker can be protected by plexi glass and have customers spaced 6 feet or more apart. They can limit the number of people in the store. Schools can’t.
I fully appreciate that schools provide a very necessary daycare function to our society but that doesn’t at all diminish the huge risk they also create in a pandemic.
The proper govt response would be a year of paid leave with job protection for a parent to stay home for remote schooling.
Anon
Teachers aren’t getting provided with appropriate PPE and they’re also around more people for more hours of the day.
ANON
The other difference is all of the evidence showing that kids don’t spread as much as adults or at all. You’re ignoring that part. And kids will wear masks – they are doing it at private schools all over my large city and at the public school where my friends’ kids go outside of hte city.
Anonymous
Private schools in my city are back 2-3 weeks with no drama. They held camps over the summer in their facilities, so it is like they got good at corona life. Public schools are open in two nearby counties for 4 weeks now. A couple of isolated inside TD but no spread. No summer camp outbreaks in my city and only isolated daycare outbreaks since this spring.
Anon
Schools in various parts of the country have been open for several weeks now. If there was a huge risk associated with this, we’d know about it by now.
Anon
Please cite your sources for “kids don’t spread as much as adults or at all.”
Anon
Check out Emily Oster’s website – explain covid dot com and the link to data overview: childcare centers, camps and outbreaks. It’s not definitive of course, but there’s a lot of data there that points to kids not really being spreaders or having high infection rates. Plus as other posters have pointed out, lots of schools have been open for more than 2 weeks at this point. Daycares have been open much longer. It would be a major news story if there had been major outbreaks linked to openings (see, e.g., all the reporting around colleges that opened and are having outbreaks)
Anon
I thought positive rates of above 3% were already considered bad? Here in my Canadian province, we’re at 1.5% positive twst rates and schools have reopened with masks, reduced class sizes (they built annexes to schools all summer to prepare), students staying in their classroom, etc. We all wear masks in any public indoor space and often outdoors and social-distance and we are *still* aware that if the positive rate climbs much higher, we’ll have to skew to more conservarive measures. Reopening schools without those measures and at higher positive rate % sounds like a recipe of further agony to me. Commiseration though :(
Anonymous
In my city we were going back to school until teachers balked. Now there are periodic discussions but who knows? They never get to the point of a trigger and a plan. Bus? Carpool? Who knows? Maybe in January they will seem how things worked elsewhere, but I bet with holiday travel there will be new outbreaks and we will just be home all year.
Anon
The bus / carpool issue is huge in my city. We don’t have the budget to expand the bus service to safely carry all of the kids to school. As it is, there is a half hour traffic jam pre-covid on our main road for the parents that drop off instead of bus. If you made all kids drop off only, there is no way the streets around our school could handle it. It is a state highway but only two lanes. It connects two major cities and is a commuter route. There is a hospital at each end where ambulances and other emergency personnel frequently pass through. How would they manage all of the traffic? The town wanted a study commissioned and the state just threw up their hands and said there is no way to make this work. They are remote another week or two and then hybrid and I suspect the traffic issue will have them sent back to remote pretty quickly. You cant just build a new road that quickly.
If I was in charge, I’d have the cars routed past the school on the busy road down a residential street near the school and have the kids dropped off there and have them walking the 1/4 mile back up on the sidewalk on the trail through the woods back to the school. But there is no way the families in that neighborhood would put up with all of that traffic even on a temporary basis. There would be zoning litigation for months.
We had a bridge wash out in town and cars had to be routed around someone’s private drive (think U shaped driveway w/ part of the U on both sides of the bridge and that was only for a maybe 2 weeks and the homeowner went to court over it. The judge rightfully told the homeowner if they didn’t accept the town’s proposal (including compensation for the use of the private drive) the town could just take it by eminent domain anyway in an emergency like that.
There is no community coming together to solve problems it is all NIMBY.
anon.
I agree with your underlying point I think. I find myself Googling every few days to see if there are ANY confirmed cases of COVID transmission outdoors – even without masks. The large tests in China showed almost none. The last articles were from May, saying the risk is “low” – but still not providing any indication if it’s even real at all outdoors. The failure of public health authorities is scary.
Anon
There is no possible way to idenitfy the source/circumstances of every CV19 infection, or even most. Risk is relative. Outdoors is low, but not zero. Theoretically, it is possible to be infected if you are outdoors with someone with CV19 even if you both have on a N95.
Anon
Sure, and every time you get in a car there’s a risk you could die in a car accident. Life is never a zero-risk proposition, it has never been, and it never will be.
LaurenB
I think you don’t understand that one cannot pinpoint exactly where every single case of COVID came from.
Anonymous
Do you enjoy being rude and offering random comments with no substance or relevance to the OP? Tell us again how you’ve decided that it’s safe to go to Target for fun … if one cannot pinpoint exactly …
CPA Lady
I have nothing to say about today’s pick, but I missed the weekend thread and seeing it this morning I had a flashback to Buffy. It warmed my heart. Grab a stake, throw a leather jacket and some big stompin’ boots on, and you’re ready to take out some vampires in those things. Nice and stretchy for when you need to do some flips over tombstones and whatnot.
Veronica Mars
Congratulations! I’d recommend walking through every room in your home and making yourself write down 2-3 things you could use in that space. Those items don’t have to make the final registry, but sometimes couples just register for kitchen and bath things and completely ignore areas like their outdoor area (we registered for a grill and gardening supplies–actual gardening supplies). Register for way more than you think you’ll need to–people like a variety of options to select from. Consider registering for books (cookbooks, books like the 5 love languages, etc) and board games as both those items can usually run for under $20 and are a great budget option. From Amazon, some of our favorites were the Norpro 8 cup multi pot (only like $25 and one of my best buys from the registry), OXO hand mixer (way cheaper than a Kitchenaid and really useful with a built-in light), Bertte throw blanket ($15). We also registered at Pottery Barn and got lovely bedding, quilts, etc. My most expensive item was either the grill or my Le Crueset dutch oven, both of which we still love and use.
Veronica Mars
Oops, this was for the registry comment above.
Vicky Austin
+1 to every space in the house. My husband picked out some tools for our registry and we had three different people come up to us at the reception and say how excited they were to give us a jigsaw or whatever rather than another round of towels. And we are still using them!
Anon
I disagree. Focus on what you truly need, not anything that you “could” use. I appreciated having fewer high-quality items that I actually wanted and needed and not a bunch of “oh huh that’s cool” gadgets from Pottery Barn. It’s just too wasteful otherwise.
Veronica Mars
I don’t understand, I suggested you look at the whole scope of your house and narrow down from there. In terms of “more than you think you’ll need” I’m not saying register for random things you don’t want/use, but register a variety of options and don’t feel like it’s too excessive to have choices. I thought having a small registry of like 40 items was appropriate for my small wedding, and everyone asked me to register for more. Also everyone’s got that practical friend that really does want to buy you a nice trash can, so if you’re looking around your whole house, it’s pretty easy to find really useful things you’d enjoy an upgrade. (Like, no I’m not going to spend the money on a Simple Human trash can but I’d really enjoy one as a gift, etc.)
No Face
Veronica, your comment was perfectly clear the first time.
Anon
I was responding to the “register for more than you need” part. It doesn’t matter to me if my family wishes I had registered for more stuff. lt’s my registry and I’ll register for what I need. YMMV.
Anonie
This seems like great advice, Veronica! Thanks.
Registry Recs
Yes, thank you! This is a practical way to identify “missing” items and not confine yourself to the kitchen or linen closet. We play card and board games regularly, and I hadn’t thought of this.
Anonie, congratulations on your engagement. Wishing you smooth wedding planning and happiness.
Anonymous
DH and I had a long talk last night about what support through tough times (big or small) looks like to each of us. We’ve realized over the years we have vastly different views on what is helpful to hear when we are struggling. He genuinely appreciates what I consider well-meaning but, to me, totally tone deaf “cheerleader” comments. For example, I’m 9 months pregnant and feel terrible. I appreciate an empathetic, “I’m sorry! That sounds hard. Let me know how I can help!” and when people say things like “oh you’re so close though!,” I kind of want to cry (three more weeks sounds like FOREVER). Whereas, he finds motivation and encouragement from such a comment. It was a fascinating discussion and really helped us step back and look at several arguments we’ve had over the past years and understand why they played out how they did. Anyone else on team “cheerleader”? I can’t wrap my brain around it— it feels so dismissive to me. (But was glad to learn that’s what DH wants to hear sometimes!)
gouda
I think what you’re looking for is an acknowledgement of your feelings. My husband really appreciates that and our arguments decreased significantly when I learned to say things like “That sucks, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that”. Honestly, explicit instruction helps here (as a formally clueless spouse).
Jeffiner
I am totally not team cheerleader. One of my friends and I did a couple 10ks and sprint tris together, and I told her and our families “no cheering!” They thought it was kind of weird, but totally supported it. That friend was in the delivery room with me when I was giving birth, and she asked if I wanted cheering or not. I did! Not saying that you will change your mind in the moment, but I’ve found that in certain situations, I do like encouragement. I think it might have to do with knowing that I’m doing all I can, and that I will be successful even though everything looks like a mess.
anon
Huh. I’m absolutely the cheerleader. I’d totally be the one to say “Hang in there! Getting close!” It never occurred to me that someone would be annoyed by those types of comments.
Anonymous
+1 why is encouraging someone dismissive?
I get commiseration, sure, but I think I’d stop spending time with someone who couldn’t help to remind me of the bright side of something like nearing the end of a pregnancy.
Anon
I think I’ve developed a distaste for it because, while some people genuinely mean to encourage, many people are conveying “stay upbeat or else” or “how dare you threaten the just world hypothesis that nothing truly bad can happen to people who are good and doing their best.” If I’m struggling to get through something difficult, it doesn’t feel like encouragement, it feels like pressure, or like I’m being judged when I’m already doing my best just because I’m not also smiling brightly. “You’re wrong to be sad actually” is not helpful to me.
Anon
Yeah, I think encouragement can be appropriate, but you have to know your time and place. It was completely, 100% inappropriate for a family friend to chant “you have to stay positive! You can’t give in to negativity!” when she was told that my aunt was moving into hospice care and it was no longer possible to hope for a cure for her advanced cancer.
Anon
Did you read Trump’s niece’s book? The part about toxic positivity and never being allowed to have negative emotions really struck me. I grew up in an Irish household that was very much like that. Everything always just had to be fine, particularly when interacting with the outside world. My parents could be in a huge argument and the home phone could ring and my mom would answer it with a saccharine sweet “hello.” It always struck me as so odd. I can’t hide my emotions like that. If I’m sad and I answer my phone, you will hear it in my voice.
anonymous
I can’t speak for OP, but for me, it’s not the encouragement per se that bothers me, it’s the lack of acknowledgement/empathy for my negative emotions. If what I really need is for my emotional pain to be seen and acknowledged, telling me that it’s almost over or that I’m doing great just doesn’t address that. My father gave support in what was a combo of cheerleader/suck it up which is probably why I feel strongly about it. Every negative feeling could be rationalized away as something I must endure in service to the Greater Goal. Super miserable in graduate school and crying all the time? Just x years/months left and it’ll be behind you!! Okay, well when we are having this conversation I am completely miserable and maybe we shouldn’t just assume that I should endure misery because it’s almost over/for a “good” purpose? Because it doesn’t *feel* better to know there’s a lot left to go. Encouragement isn’t a solution. Crucially, it doesn’t make me feel like my unhappiness matters or is significant or is a problem that should be addressed. Big picture, I never learned to evaluate why I was unhappy or that I could choose not to do things that made me unhappy. The message was just keep going, keep going, you’re doing great, keep going. He was very positive! Always complimentary of my talents and work ethic and abilities and had total faith that I could do anything. It just didn’t validate what I was going through. I didn’t need encouragement, I needed to acknowledge that the way I was living life was making me profoundly depressed and anxious and to acknowledge that I didn’t have to live that way. I needed to feel like someone cared about my emotional state. The whole aspect of my unhappiness is dismissed/ignored in favor of focusing on getting through it. There’s no empathy.
It’s situation dependent. Sometimes encouragement can be just what you need. In contrast, if I’m working on a new project and I say “I don’t think I can do this, I can’t figure out all these documents blah blah,” someone saying something encouraging is more helpful because I’m doubting my abilities. It takes a lot of skill and time knowing a person to figure out which is best. I think everyone should have conversations with those people close to them like OP did with her husband to figure it out.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 10:23 below, and you articulated exactly what is wrong with encouragement to the detriment of acknowledging stress and sadness.
Anon
Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck during delivery. I’m also sending internet hugs because being pregnant during the pandemic is a special level of challenging, and that’s not even considering that all the women who give birth in the late summer/early autumn say that being heavily pregnant during the summer just sucks.
Like you, I am team “acknowledge that it’s hard.” This is for deeply emotional reasons: I grew up in a family wherein I wasn’t allowed to have problems. To give one example, my parents were mad and condescending when I was stressed out while studying for the bar and working full-time because, and I quote, high school tests weren’t this stressful. I was just expected to pull miracles out of my butt and have a perfect life.
I’ve explained that to my husband, and he understands that “What you’re going through it hard” translates in my brain to “If you need support, you get support” and “If you fail, it’s because this is hard, not because you are a failure.”
I think cheerleader types translate support into “You are strong and amazing and you’ve got this.”
Bonnie Kate
This is probably a personal pet peeve, but I HATE it when people say “I’m sorry” to my venting. I have a cousin/close friend who’s exacerbated this because she says “I’m sorry” all.the.time. I find myself not sharing things with her because I don’t want to hear her say “I’m sorry” – I really just want someone to agree me that something sucks. My thinking goes that if you didn’t cause something to happen, there is no reason for you to apologize – so just stop. I broke myself from overly apologizing a couple years ago, so maybe this all stems from that too.
Anon
I think you’re just confusing two different usages. “I’m sorry” can I mean “I feel sorrow over this” in the sense of “I have regrets and apologize” or in the sense of “I think that sucks”
Bonnie Kate
Oh totally, I do get that it’s a valid use – I just really don’t like it personally. :)
Anon
That’s fair! The convergence is weird and to me makes both sound a bit awkward.
Anonymous
Thanks for posting this, I’d never thought of it this way.
I don’t think you’re alone in hating “silver lining” type comments when you’re dealing with something really hard. It’s like telling someone whose grandma passed away, well at least she’s not in pain anymore. Like ok but don’t I get to grieve? It feels dismissive.
Anon
It is dismissive. I posted here once about a family friend who was told, when her husband died in the same year as her sister’s husband, “well, at least you two can go through this together.” ……thanks?
Anonymous
There is a difference between dismissive and encouraging. “You’re almost to your due date! Hang in there, you can do it!” is not the same as “well, at least you two can go through this together.”
Marise
During the three-day bar exam, my friend called her mom on the first day to tell her how miserable she felt about it. Her mom, trying to cheer her up said, “Please honey, don’t pressure yourself, I’m already telling everyone you’re not going to pass!” OUCH!! Her mom (not from this country) was trying to do her best to cheer her daughter up, but obviously the message was not received as intended. By the way, my friend passed.
Anonie
It’s funny…I like and appreciate different types of responses from different people. I think both are valid and useful, depending on the circumstances and who the words are coming from.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I try to presume good intentions in all things including this.
Funny story: When I was nine months pregnant I was crying in front of the mirror saying “Oh I’m so fat and ugly!” Now, there were a variety of helpful responses, top of the list being, of course, “no you’re not, you’re beautiful!” But my lovely first husband, who was doubtless trying his best, went with “don’t worry, it’s just because you’re pregnant!”
Anonymous
Haha. At nine months pregnant, I asked my husband if he thought I’d ever lose the weight and look good again. I was hoping to hear “of course you will!” Instead he said, totally seriously, “that’s completely up to you.” I suppose I should have found it empowering but yikes!
Anonymous
Was I married to him in another life?!
Senior Attorney
Heh I don’t know but I was! ;)
Anonymous
If someone complained to me how uncomfortable they were at 9 month pregnant I would not say “Oh that is sooo hard, poor you”. I would be cheerful and say “Not much longer!” because that’s the truth and what the situation calls for. From the sound of it people are trying to snap you out feeling sorry for yourself because what you are going though is normal, expected even, and has an endpoint in the very near future.
anon
Ahh yes, how empathetic. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Easy for you to be cheerful when you’re not the one experiencing it. Obviously any uncomfortable 9 month pregnant person would be aware that there’s “not much longer,” but the whole point is that you are uncomfortable *now* and the days feel like they are dragging on forever. It may be an objective truth but it is *not* the truth of someone is experiencing it. Why do you get to decide what the situation calls for? Gross. This is why it’s dismissive– because you are dismissing what she’s experiencing and feeling and substituting your own judgment about how she should be feeling. Also, “normal and expected” doesn’t mean “not bad.” Vaginal tearing is normal and expected. You wouldn’t look at someone and say “don’t worry, they have stitches!” would you? If someone was scared of labor pains would you say “it won’t last forever!”
Spend vs. Save
For anything not truly a necessity (some level of basic shelter, some type of nutrients, etc.), how do you decide where to splurge versus when to save your money? (Since this may well depend on income level and life situation, feel free to include those types of details!)
Anonymous
I splurge when the more expensive thing will last longer and handle better and then I don’t have to replace. For a specific example, I had my first car 10 years, it was the cheapest subcompact. It shook on the highway and crumpled when someone parking dinged me. It died a glorious and quick death. My second car I’ve had 16 years, it’s also subcompact but better made, handles better in the snow, better braking, etc. I hope to have it 5 more years.
On a smaller scale cookware and knives (we are big cooks), shoes (I commute in sneakers, and change at the office so work shoes last longer), sweaters that don’t pill (but those are getting harder to find).
Basically, I don’t like to shop or spend money, so I only want to buy things one time.
Cb
I tend to splurge on things which are made locally, ethically etc, while trying not to be paralyzed by decisions. I also splurge on things that make my everyday life easier, so a nice piece of kitchenware or a household upgrade rather than something that is only used for special occasions.
Anonymous
I’m a little confused by the question – I only splurge on non-necessities. I would spend $12k on a vacation before I would pay an extra $1k/mo on my mortgage. If I lost my job or decided to scale back, I can downsize a vacation a lot easier than a house. So I guess my answer is – I splurge on one-offs that I could easily go without. I’m much more frugal on my regular expenses.
Ribena
I try to splurge when I know I will resent not splurging and eventually buy the better thing anyway.
Anonymous
I’m having this discussion with my BF right now. We need a new bookshelf but haven’t been able to find anything at a second hand shop. I want to buy something nice, he wants to get some cheap press board piece (that we will hate and will end up replacing anyway).
Anon
I splurge on the things that make me happy, mostly stuff for my home, to make it a comfortable and inviting space. (But a “splurge” is relative considering I make in a year what some Big Law lawyers probably make in their annual bonuses!) I also love Sephora.
Nesprin
I buy the cheap one, and if it doesn’t hold up because I use it all the time or doesn’t work, I buy the expensive one. Works for tools, clothes/shoes. (exeption: kitchen appliances got a splurge, because I wasn’t going to buy 2 ovens).
Anon
+1. Current example: our espresso machine. I wanted a Breville. Thought the Breville was too expensive. Bought a less expensive machine. It sucks. The next time the Breville machine I want goes on sale, I’m buying it. Lesson learned on this for me, I should have just bought the Breville to begin with. I cost myself $200 for the cheap machine + 2 years of frustration by not getting what I wanted in the first place. The splurge would have been worth it in this case.
Anonyz
I spend when it’s about long-term health and safety. I need an expensive mattress and shoes for my back problems, good quality tires here in Ice Storm Central, etc.
aBr
We have a general rule of not splitting the difference by either buying what you really want or the minimum you need to get the job done. Our focus is on quality items that will last a long time, so if it is not what we really want we try to spend the least amount possible that will still get the job done. For example, on desks, we made do with two old desks until we could afford the gorgeous solid wood desks that will last a long time instead of buying a $600 desk on wayfair that was kind of ok (and then we’d be stuck with). We also still drive our POS cars mostly because we haven’t been able to justify the cost when we rarely drive them (even in before times).
Anonymous
For any given category I start at the lowest price point I think could make us happy and then next time I replace step up from there if it didn’t work. If it worked out I stay at that level. So e.g. we stuck with drugstore products for almost everything except leave in hair treatments and foundation.
Anon
Bird question here: two mourning birds have been camping out in our backyard. They are just hanging out underneath the patio table. They don’t seem to ever fly. What is happening? Are they scoping out the area to decide to lay a nest? Are they injured? Are they planning to pass away or something? It is getting quite cold where I am.
Anonymous
Mourning Doves scavenge for food on the ground. They are looking for breakfast. They dwell on the ground for food, and roost in a tree at night. They are always in pairs and mate for life (like geese or ducks).
anonshmanon
+1 I see our mourning doves traipse around a lot, they aren’t especially bothered by humans near them either.
Anon
+1 I only really see them fly if they’re really startled.
Anon
They’re just being birds.
Anon
They’re just being birds.
Anon
They’re plotting your demise.
The Original ...
Can we (society) just stop with the comparisons, especially or at least during covid? I cannot imagine how hard it is to parent. However, it’s also not easy to be expected to work more to compensate for parents who need more time to parent. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be in super close quarters all the time with a spouse. However, it’s also not easy to be completely single and wondering if dating will ever feel safe again (when it was already a safety risk). Maintaining a home sounds hard but so is living in a rental. Having a huge education is often a trade-off for crushing student loan debt. Not having to worry about family expectations also means not likely having happy holiday memories or a financial safety net (and having one of those means likely having all of those). Everyone probably has a part of their body that someone else wishes they had and a part of their body that they try to hide or wish they could afford to change. Everyone probably has some area of life where they are more successful than others and an area where they wonder if they’ll ever be good enough.
Life is hard enough, why are we all so constantly told to hate those who have it harder or to compare ourselves with those we assume have it easier… and why do we listen?!
Anonymous
Well, I personally don’t listen. It’s great. Try it!
KS IT Chick
A couple times now, I have used “We are all in the same storm, rowing in different boats.” I can’t begin to understand what problems someone else is dealing with in all of this and give them grace for that, but I feel that I deserve the same grace in response. I don’t always get it, but I know that I am doing my best to give it. That is really all any of us can do…
anon
You are so right. Now, let me know if you find out how to stop these comparisons in my own head. Sometimes it’s hard to cut myself some slack when I compare my struggles to other’s.
BeenThatGuy
Comparison is the thief of joy. Stopping comparisons as a society starts with yourself. Don’t listen to it. Don’t engage it in. Don’t surround yourself with people that do it. Exit conversations, social media, news and other situations that perpetuate it. I’m not a fan of cancel culture; but I think it’s time to cancel comparison (I have).
Alina
Thank you for posting this, it was really great to hear right now.
Just me
Agree!!!
Anon
I agree with avoiding comparisons and putting yourself in other people’s shoes, but one thing I’d add is the need for more sensitivity. Sometimes people get justifiably irritated and it’s not because they want to play Oppression Olympics, but because their friends/family are being extremely tone-deaf. For example, I don’t complain about my annoying dentist appointment to someone going through cancer or talk about how it sucks it’s drizzling out today to someone who hasn’t been outside in two weeks because of the wildfire smoke. It’s not really that people want to play “comparison” – it’s that when they are in a tough place, other people sometimes need to take the trivial complaints elsewhere, EVEN IF they have their own hard stuff going on too.
anon
amen
Bonnie Kate
In a similar vein, I’ve been thinking a lot about judgment. Like how we’re so quick to look at something and make a snap judgement: “this is good” or “this is bad.” It’s mental work to constantly be looking at everything and judging it, so we develop shorthands to make quicker and quicker judgment. However, we don’t actually need to jump to a judgement or make a judgement on so many things. For a simple example, when I look out the window and see a totally overcast cloudy sky and decide that this is a gloomy day doesn’t change a dang thing, except now I’ve judged the weather as bad. Whereas I could just look outside and just notice the sky, avoid judgment, and then see the birds or something.
Obviously there are some things that do require us to make judgements; my goal is to stop with the quick judgments and try out some slower wise discernment instead. And in that discernment, be comfortable with just not having an opinion on some things.
Anonymous
Where do you work that is asking non-parents to cover for parents? In my org, parents are consistently asked to work harder than non-parents to prove their devotion to their jobs. The pandemic has not changed this. If anything, it’s made it worse.
Anon
+1
Bar Too High
I’m an over-achiever. I just am. It’s likely a mixture of my own anxiety and a desire to be seen and a need to overcome childhood things. I know the facts, I accept them, I use them to my benefit (most of the time).
However, when something is really hard and I mention that to others, they are always quick to tell me, “oh you’ll be fine” or (in school) “I’m sure you’ll ace it.” When I do succeed, no one is surprised or excited, they just tell me “of course you did.”
I am glad people think highly of my abilities but it makes me want to scream. It feels like they have no concept of how hard I work or the pressure it puts on me to meet everyone’s expectations and, when I do, no one acts like it’s any big deal. I want people to hear me if I am brave enough to tell them I am struggling and I want people to react when I put in the work to succeed, especially against what felt like something insurmountable. I see so many mediocre men get praised for showing up, did they have the right idea to do so little that everything brings applause? Did I set the bar too high with past successes? Can I somehow fix it now without having to crash first?
Anonymous
You need to be self-motivated. Other people are never going to be that invested in your struggles, especially when you’re either going to get by or excel — that’s good enough.
Anonymous
I feel this so hard. One underlying assumption that really grates – it’s as if they think everything has been easy, like it was handed to me, when in fact I’ve worked very hard. My only advice is to invest in friendships with people who don’t do this. Some people will never respond the way you hope; realign your expectations of them.
LaurenB
“I feel this so hard. One underlying assumption that really grates – it’s as if they think everything has been easy, like it was handed to me, when in fact I’ve worked very hard. ”
I say this gently: People do not think about you as much as you think they do.
Anon
Absolutely this.
Anonymous
I just lean into it “Yes, it was easy for me. I am so naturally talented/whatever. It only took me 3 yrs when it usually takes five, blah, blah.” It’s not at all the response they expect. They know it’s difficult, and are just devaluing your achievements for their own reasons.
Anonymous
There is a lot here, if you are not already there, you might want to break some of this down with a therapist.
Are you achieving to improve yourself (and the world around you) or for the recognition? David Foster Wallace, in Infinite Jest claimed, “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” This is a pretty accurate statement.
Recognize that not all applause is sincere, it is polite. Not all awards mean something. A lot of the top 100/ 50/ 40 etc. lists are advertising and marketing opportunities. You are enough, your work matters and you are good at it. Keep that in mind when you check you neighbors soup bowl to see if they have enough, not whether they have more or less than you.
No Problem
Ohh man I feel this. I grew up in a household where academic success was expected. Report cards were always met with “ho hum, another bunch of As” or “ZOMG you got a B+ in AP physics??? What the heck is wrong with you??” (These reactions are not an exaggeration.) Never anything like “wow, look at those As! You really worked hard last semester!” or “B+ in AP physics? Not bad. That’s a hard class, and the teacher you have is terrible. Can I help you review flashcards for your next test?” I hated high school so much, thought of it entirely as time I just needed to spend before I could leave and go to college and study something I actually enjoyed.
I have definitely spent some time in therapy talking about this. I highly recommend you do the same. It’s worth examining who the people are in your life who say these things or believe these things. Are they family (who you can’t really cut out of your life)? Friends? Coworkers? Remember that you can’t change how people behave, but you can change how you react to their behavior. “Of course you did” should be met with “yes, I did because I knew the presentation was important but Bob hasn’t yet demonstrated his design skills are up to par and Sally was out on PTO so I worked 65 hours last week and gave up X, Y, and Z. Let’s talk about how we are going to get Bob’s skills up to par and better plan our workload so that we can fairly distribute the load next time among all of the team members.”
KP
You are leaning into a hurricane that is actually going inside you.
KP
going on
NYNY
I could have written this post about a year before I started therapy. I didn’t have kind internet strangers telling me to go to therapy, so I crashed into a major, can’t-leave-my-apartment depression before I allowed myself help.
The part of your post that sticks out most to me is this: ” I want people to hear me if I am brave enough to tell them I am struggling and I want people to react when I put in the work to succeed, especially against what felt like something insurmountable.”
You hide all the work you do, because you learned long ago that it all needs to appear effortless. But effortless is a lie, and it’s unsustainable. You probably need a therapist or other professional to help you navigate this, because showing your work after a lifetime of concealing it is really hard.
I’ll be thinking of you. Keep us posted and know that you aren’t the only one.
Anon
Once I embraced this fundamental truth, my life got so much easier:
“You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself.”
What you want other people to do, fundamentally, does not matter. You don’t get to tell other people how to think, or how to react to you. That choice is not within your control. Also, “what other people think of you is none of your business.” How other people see your abilities and react to your accomplishments is not a useful thing to concern yourself with. Regardless of how you feel about them, you can’t change other people’s thoughts or reactions.
What you can control is how you react to other people and how you think about your own abilities and accomplishments. You know how much effort you’ve put into something. Why does the acknowledgement of others matter so much to you? I think your emotional energy would be better put toward doing some exploration of your childhood issues in therapy (100% worth it; I speak from experience) and also creating support systems and identifying what self-care is regenerating for you, so when you go through cycles of exhaustion, dormancy and renewal (which happen to most high-achieving professionals), you know what you need to do to regroup and refill your “energy tank.” The book “Resonant Leadership” covers this topic in detail, if you are interested.
Anonymous
Hmm this is interesting. I’m definitely not an overachiever (not sure why I’m still here) but I’m guilty of being dismissive of overachievers who complain or express anxiety over the outcome of a test they’ll likely ace or a review that will likely be glowing. It’s not that I think you don’t work hard, but that I also work hard without consistently excellent results so I’m not sure why you’re venting to me. My mediocre reality is your biggest fear, cool, thanks for sharing. It always feels like a weird humble brag designed to make me feel bad. Kind of like when you’re overweight but your skinny friend complains she’s fat.
Anon
Ha! Yep. My hard-earned mediocre reality is my hard-working more successful friends’ biggest fear. But I’ve grown a sense of humor around it.
Senior Attorney
I agree that this is largely a “you” problem. But OMG I feel you.
Years ago I applied for my dream job and things were progressing apace, but I was really on pins and needles. My then-husband (and pretty much everybody but especially him) kept saying “oh, you got this. it’s a done deal. it’s in the bag.” Which was annoying for a variety of reasons, most notably (a) the idea that he knew more about it than I did, and (b) the idea that if I didn’t get it, somehow, it was my failure and not the fact that it was never a done deal. And you guessed it. It was not in the bag, it was not a done deal, and I ended up not getting it. The whole thing kicked my butt for, I kid you not, years. So I feel you.
If it’s any comfort, I am older now and have a much better husband and I don’t care what anybody thinks (well, anybody but much better husband) and I am happy I didn’t get the “dream job.” So hang in there.
iliketoknit
Just for the record, when a friend tells me they’ve succeeded, and I say “of course you did!,” it’s meant to signal how highly I think of her, and how much I respect her and believe she has the skills/work ethic/insight etc. to handle all kinds of difficult situations. It’s “of course you did!” because I know she’s AMAZING, not “of course you did because it’s not a big deal.”
Anonymous
I’m planning to attend a socially distant baby shower soon. In lieu of cards, the mom to be has asked folks to bring a book for the baby with a nice note written in the cover. I have no clue what to write; I’m friends with mom but not super close. What should I write? Thanks!
Anonymous
Board books. Like the Boynton ones. You can hope they like reading them and note that babies agree that they are also good to gnaw on.
Anonymous
something generic about hoping this is the start of many happy memories/moments of reading together.
Alina
Something about the book! “I re read this book constantly at age 3 and I hope baby X enjoys it just as much!”
Cb
I’d just do a short message, “Welcome to the world, little one! May your life be filled with joy and adventures” (fill in the blank for whatever the subject of the book. And unsolicited advice on books but I love the Chris Haughton books. They are really beautifully illustrated and seem to captivate little kids.
Anonymous
How about something like “Baby X, This was one of my favorite stories growing up. I hope you enjoy being with The Wild Things as much as I did.” Or make a comment about the illustrations or lesson of the book, whatever makes the book great.
Lily
No suggestions on the note, as you’ve already gotten good advice there, but since you will be writing on the book (and thus it can’t be returned) I’d err on the side of getting a not-super-popular book. You could look to see if any good books literally just came out so others aren’t likely to have bought them, or some more obscure book from your childhood (just make sure it’s not offensive in some way…). So I would not get Goodnight Moon, or Wild Things, or similar.
Kelly
My default is A Good Day by Kevin Henkes and I write inside “baby x I hope all your days are good days”.
Anon
Honestly it’s fine to get a card and not write in the book. At my shower maybe a few people actually wrote in the book.
strawberry
Just did this at my baby shower, and most friends did pick more obscure books and luckily we ended up with no duplicates. Everyone wrote one or two lines max to baby about how they couldn’t wait to meet him, hoped he enjoyed the book as much as their baby did, hoped he learned to love reading as much as mom, or hoped he made nice memories reading with mom and dad. Something along those lines; sign and done.
theguvnah
you’re close enough to go to her pandemic baby shower but can’t think of a congratulatory message to say? this is really weird.
Dawgs
I am hoping to refinance my home mortgage. I’m looking specifically for a lender that will apply bi-weekly payments *when I make them* and not hold the payment until the end of the month. Current lender will not accept a “partial payment” so the biweekly payment option isn’t as helpful as it could be.
Does anyone have a lender who can do this?
Bonnie Kate
We use a smaller regional bank so my recommendation would likely not be helpful (unless you’re in Wisconsin :)), but I just want to share that our payments are posted immediately and I don’t think what you’re asking for is a weird thing.
Shananana
I am with Freedom Mortgage and they offer a biweekly payment option that you can opt in to and I believe then opt out of at a later time should you choose. My understanding is if opted in all payments are applied when made. My mortgage and student loans are almost the same amount though so I have one in each paycheck and have not pursued at this point though.
The Lone Ranger
Chase.
Dawgs
Chase accepts my money happily at mid month but doesn’t apply it until the end of the month. That’s my current lender.
anon for this
No specific companies to name, but the laws that apply to mortgage payments specifically allow a servicer to hold a partial payment until it equals one full payment. So even if you find one that does it now, it could always change its practice.
Anonymous
I posted earlier this year about dating someone in the military (I’m in biglaw). I really appreciate all the responses. Things are still going really well and we’re talking about next steps. It’s come to my attention that military spouses are automatically referred to as “dependents,” for example, when they have to sign up for a “dependent” ID. I have a problem with the prospect of being labeled a “dependent.” It’s infantilizing; I find it to be deeply offensive to the notion of a marriage as a partnership of equals.
I’ve talked to some military SOs and I’ve done a lot of reading about this topic. They all say things like, it’s just a word; I don’t think they really get why I object to this label. Words mean things. That’s kind of the point of words. I was hoping maybe this group would have some other insights to offer. Thanks, all.
Anon
It’s a legal term. I guess you could choose to not marry, but being a dependent typically comes with certain benefits that you don’t want to give up.
Anonymous
Can you reframe this in your mind to be “We are dependents of each other. I depend on him, he depends on me”? If you were the one in the military, he would be the dependent, so it is not gendered. But if you want to die on this hill, you can break it off with him or insist he pursue a different career.
OP
Thanks, reframing is good advice.
Not sure if this matters, but he’s nearing retirement so he will either not work or pursue something else in a couple of years. Because of our ages, we want to try for a baby before he retires. He would prefer to be married before TTC.
I’ve heard the “it isn’t sexist because it applies to men too” reasoning, and I really disagree. The word has been used for a lot longer than male military SOs have been a thing. It’s definitely rooted in sexism. It didn’t suddenly become not-sexist the minute a man married a service member.
Anonymous
Ok. But this is exactly what everyone warned you about. The military has rules and no one cares what you think about them. So you wanna complain go right ahead.
theguvnah
The military is a deeply sexist institution; if you truly want to marry into it I’m not sure you’ll be able to change much so it’s the price of admission.
Anon
Military spouse culture is a unique animal, and much of that culture is straight out of the 1950’s. I don’t have any good advice for you, but the military is tough on smart, driven, independent women, both in the ranks and among spouses.
AnonATL
My husband is former active duty and current reservist. He was active duty before we met, so I was never a “true” military spouse.
That said, we do get our health benefits from tricare through the reserves, which is the US military healthcare system. It is awesome. Super cheap, basically no deductible. All the doctors I see are great. The claims department is top notch when I have questions. You name it, it’s been a great insurance for us.
I have one of those DOD dependent IDs and they have lots of benefits too.
I personally don’t take issue with the word dependent. I make more money than he does in our civilian jobs. We are equal partners in our relationship. We do depend on each other so yeah I’m a dependent of his just like he is dependent on me for things. I understand this word might mean something different to you when you are in a newer relationship (congrats btw), but it is just a silly label the government uses. It is an antiquated label, but big surprise coming from the US military when you look at their stances on various issues.
No advice, but I’m on team “it’s just a word”. I get enough value elsewhere in my life to not be concerned how the military labels me on a few documents and ID cards.
AnonATL
Oh and since I read your comment about planning for kids while married and he’s still in the military, I just had a baby and the pregnancy and delivery cost us basically nothing through Tricare. I think I paid less than a couple hundred dollars out of pocket for a v*ginal delivery and a few visits to specialists over the course of my pregnancy.
Anon
It’s an awful title, but I do think it’s appropriate for how the military views the non-military spouse. It’s a hard life, and extra hard for a high-level professional like yourself.
Frankly, if kust the word ‘dependent’ bothers you so much, you are probably in for even more problems if you become a military dependent. The reality is hard.
Anon
I had a nesting fail below, so let’s try again.
I also find it incredibly offensive. My DH is miliary and it’s an okay job, but ultimately its my career which pays our mortgage. Unfortunately in the military most wives are SAHMs and truly are dependent. I think you just need to accept that the culture of the military is not one which takes kindly to successful women.
No Face
Here’s the thing: the military will never consider your marriage a partnership of equals. I know a woman who was a military wife for 20+ years. She went to law school while he was still in the service and some of his superior officers said, to her face, that she should not be going to law school or get a job. Maintaining a career is really hard for military spouses, so even spouses who want to work are still dependent in all senses of the word.
That said, if you are in a healthy and happy relationship don’t let that stop you. If your future MIL was offended by you having a career but your SO fully supported your career and ran interference with the MIL, I would say get married anyway!
A better way to think of the term is that your benefits are”dependent” on his service.
Former Navy Brat
+1 to this and it is simply because they expect the non-military spouse to be prepared to pick up and move on minimal notice, sometimes across the country or the world. And to be ready to take over 100% of responsibility for household and child care tasks for months at a time.
I have a friend who is an attorney married to a military guy. She ended up giving up her private law job to work for that branch of the military when he was transferred. And she was relatively lucky. Think about all of the discussions we have here about trying to balance two spouses’ careers and potential moves. Now imagine that one spouse is an attorney licensed to practice in a state with minimal reciprocity (hello California) and the other gets transferred to Florida with essentially no choice in the matter. Or getter yet to Japan. Commanding officers love SAH wives/mothers because they have way too much experience with the complications that can occur.
it is one thing to be married to someone who is planning on getting out in the near future. But career military service is a family affair.
Anonymous
My friend is a colonel. Her husband and children are her dependents (their status and benefits are derived from her service and for that they DEPEND on her). FWIW being a trailing military spies is hard, especially if you want to have a job (never mind a career; in some ways the term acknowledges the sacrifice many military souses make so that the in-service spouse can serve and the benefits are arranged accordingly; a civilian doesn’t get larger quarters once married but a soldier may).
Maybe pretend the word is “derivative” and go on about your day. If all else is good, I wouldn’t let this get in the way. The truly hard stuff is yet to come.
Anonymous
Consider that if the military gets rid of their old fashioned language/policies, then everyone loses valuable antiquated benefits like pensions and family support.
Biglaw Military Spouse
I’m a biglaw associate and my husband is in the military. The first time I heard “dependent ID” I was caught completely off guard (my husband has never called it a dependent ID). But, for purposes of military benefits, I am his dependent. I wouldn’t have these benefits without him. Similarly, for purposes of certain benefits from my job, he is my dependent. It works both ways. Life as a military spouse is a tough pill to swallow for wives in demanding careers. It’s getting better, but it is what it is. This is only a small taste of the culture, so if you can’t get past this, you are in for a tough ride.
Anon
Could you look at the word as a synonym for benefactor or beneficiaries? This comes up outside of the military too. My husband is a dependent on my FSA. I’m a dependent on his health insurance. Familial benefits would be a better term but the civilian insurance world hasn’t evolved either.
My knowledge is a little outdated because I was looking into this around 2003 but a close friend was in the military and they had a civil courthouse wedding before his deployment and religious wedding when he returned. The amount of pay he received was different if he was single or married or had kids while deployed. While the pay was in his name, the concept is it was compensating his spouse for having to deal his absence (kind of like a loss of consortium claim in PI for the legal world) and if he had kids, for his kids dealing his absence. It wasn’t that his life was worth more or his work was more valuable as a married man. It just recognized that there were others sacrificing that should be compensated.
And that is why so many young military members marry someone they have been dating just a few months. They want the enhanced benefits.
Anonymous
It really just means beneficiary. Consider whether this is really the hill you want to die on.
Anonymous
That’s what I thought. Not in the military, but I am on my husband’s insurance and listed as a “dependent.” He would be listed as a dependent if he were on my insurance. I don’t think it’s meant to be an insult.
Anonymous
Same. I’m on my husband’s health insurance even though I make 2xs him and am a “dependent” on it. However, since I am dependent on it, I’m willing to let it slide.
Monday
She’s not talking about any dying on any hill. She isn’t even contacting anyone to complain. She is airing her thoughts about it and asking for others.’
Anon
This, but I’ll take it a step further. If this is an issue for you, I do not think you are well matched to a military man. Signed, military spouse of ten years.
Anonanonanon2
It is degrading and it’s dumb. When my (ex) husband was deployed, he had to sign a literal permission slip for me to be “allowed” to access on-base childcare benefits etc. that I was entitled to as the spouse of a deployed soldier. He was upper-level enlisted and so was constantly counseled not to give me power of attorney or direct access to money because I likely married him to take it all. It was very frustrating, as I had a degree from a very high-level university and was from a well-off family, I certainly did not marry an enlisted man for the money.
I’m going to generalize here, but I’d advise you to not get involved in spouse culture at all if you can help it. It’s toxic and it’s a mix of women who love nothing more than staying at home (which is fine, but you won’t have much in common) or secretly feel powerless because of the constant moves and inability to have a successful career so they seek power by trying to feel superior over other wives or start FRG drama.
Think long and hard about if this is going to work. It is a culture that expects you to think this man is a hero because of his job and that his job is the most important one there is.
Anon
OP’s guy is apparently retiring soon which might make this work but as a general matter the US military is not going to change for you and beating your head against that wall is not going to help.
And “spouse culture” can certainly be toxic, especially to someone who wants their civilian job to be considered equally important to their spouses’s military one. But I would encourage you to be at least moderately friendly to the spouses. They are the ones who will 100% have your back when you have a newborn and your spouse gets sent to Syria. And they tend to be pretty sensitive to professional women looking down on them.
Anon
Oh man my in laws act like my husband has the most important job in the world and they get sooooooo offended that I don’t think it is.
Anonymous
What are you looking for? It’s a word. Don’t want to be dependent don’t accept the benefits.
CBT without a therapist?
Reposting (sorry I think I posted this accidentally as a reply in one of the other posts)
Does anyone have any experience doing cognitive behavioral therapy by themselves? I would like to use this to manage a phobia I have developed (it is not anything serious but is work related). Unfortunately my options are quite limited and not practical in terms of finding someone nearby and within my insurance coverage. I saw someone mention on another post, the book “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook”, and it made me wonder if I could read some good resources and try to work on this by myself. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or suggestions!
anon
I did CBT with a therapist and the main benefits were 1. having someone there to call me on my irrational thinking, and 2. she had me repeatedly face my fears. While I could have done 2 on my own, it was helpful to have someone there to hold me accountable and give me unbiased input. If you think you can hold yourself accountable, and if this phobia is something you haven’t gotten too far into, you can probably DIY it with that workbook.
For context, I started going to therapy because I was having some random health issues (what in retrospect I think were panic attacks of some sort) where out of nowhere I would get violently ill out of both ends at once. I had allergy testing done, I tracked food, and ultimately doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Because I didn’t want to randomly get super sick in public, I started becoming agoraphobic. The main CBT techniques she taught me were basically life hacks/ways to continue functioning despite it all. In my situation, she made me carry a puke bag around with me in my purse so that if I had to get sick in public, I could at least puke in a bag if necessary. And then she encouraged me to face my fears by going out in public time after time. She also talked me through the stories I had in my head about why I was so afraid to get sick in front of other people. In the end the attacks stopped happening and I’m no longer agoraphobic.
OP
Thank you for your insights and I am so glad you had success with it!
Coach Laura
I’ve have good results using the book “Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety” by Seth Gilihan PhD. It comes Kindle Unlimited book, so free if you have Unlimited but the physical workbook that you can buy to write in is also helpful.
OP
Thank you Coach Laura – appreciate it! You have responded to a couple of my prior posts as well and I really appreciate your thoughts!
Coach Laura
Glad it helped!
Silly Valley
A note for anyone else who’s about to go looking – this is not currently on Kindle Unlimited; it’s $9.99. There’s another book from the same author called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple that is on KU that I’m going to try out. (Authors often put things on KU for a limited time so it’s possible it could be back on again in the future.)
Anony
My therapist gave me worksheets from the site Therapist Aid. They’re free, and really easy and to-the-point. I’ve started searching worksheets there outside of CBT, like for relationship exercises, effective communication, etc.
OP
Thanks so much! I will look into this!
No Problem
Question on home buying. I was reading some CNBC article the other day about the 30/30/3 rule for buying a home, and I wonder how realistic it is in real life. The rule was: monthly mortgage (I assume they mean PITI) doesn’t exceed 30% of your gross monthly income; you have 30% of the purchase price in cash at time of closing (this is assuming a 20% down payment plus the other 10% for emergency fund, where the emergency fund includes home repairs that can’t be put off); and the purchase price does not exceed 3x your annual gross income.
For those who have purchased a home in the last few years (particularly those with single incomes), did you achieve this? I’m particularly curious about the last rule about the purchase price not exceeding 3x your gross income. I live in a VHCOL area and make a solid salary, but 3x my salary basically means I’m priced out of nearly all housing stock in my entire county, and much of the general region. And what I can “afford” by this measure is a unit in older condo buildings, which have super high monthly fees (I’m talking $600-800/month). A townhouse or house I’d actually want would be 4x-5x my salary (and that’s further out in the suburbs, but I’m ok with that because everything near me now is waaaaaayyyy out of budget). Also, were you able to have an extra 10% cushion, or were you scraping by to get the 20% down payment, and re-saved for your emergency fund after purchase?
Ribena
Hahahahahahaha.
I bought on a single income of just under 50k two years ago.
I had 50k (ish) cash, and the purchase price was just over 235k. I borrowed 200k for a LTV of 85% (actually not, this is Scotland where mortgage valuations are fictional and lower than purchase prices for reasons). My mortgage payment for the first year was about 33% of my take home – it’s now less than it was for various reasons including the rate having gone down. No monthly fee here.
So I didn’t meet any of those ‘rules.’ I would wonder where/when they came from and who/when they are designed to apply to.
Ribena
Oh and on the emergency fund question – I still had SOME emergency fund after buying and am working my way to build that back up now.
Anon
I put down 20%, but didn’t have another 10% in cash. My house was also ~3.5 times my annual income (and it was priced much lower than it should have been because the sellers just wanted to get rid of it).
BB
To piggyback onto your post, I’ve never understood why these things are calculated on gross income either (sorry, i know that totally doesn’t help your VHCOL area issues!). Like, if I use 30% of my gross, I’m at like 50%+ of my take home on housing and that feels pretty darn high to me.
More related to your question, my first home was in a HCOL area (or maybe VHCOL…what is Boston these days?) and we only put 15% down, actually paid PMI for a year until we aggressively paid it down. I don’t really regret it looking back on it because renting would have been much more than the PMI, and what we got for the extra purchase $ was a place that we loved and could actually fit everything we wanted.
Anon
I’ve always used 20-25% of my TAKE-HOME pay for calculating what I can afford to spend on rent.
Anon
I also live in a VHCOL area and I’m sticking to conservative buying principles. To that end, we are planning to leave and move to another state. It’s not just the finance part, but I don’t want to positively max out my budget for a falling-down, ugly ranch in a bad neighborhood. It’s simply not worth it to me and I don’t think I would do well with the stress of having a huge mortgage hanging over me.
Anonymous
I achieved the 3x salary part (closer to 2x) by buying a small home at the “best” edge of an “up-and-coming” neighborhood. I also achieved the 30% of income (it is more like 15 to 20% depending on annual income fluctuations) the same way. I did not achieve anything close to the other metric. I bought on a whim, about a year before I was planning to, and had not saved. But the mortgage is only a bit more than I was paying in rent, rents were rising, and I was going to be paying for housing either way, so given the other factors, I thought it was best to buy. I wasn’t wrong. Of course I wish I had saved more (this is a lifelong failure), but I don’t wish I were paying rent.
Anonymous
I think the resaving for your house emergency fund only works if you don’t have any credit card debt. If you can afford to take on credit card debt if you have an emergency after you close on the house but before your emegency fund is refilled then it could work.
No Problem
OP here: that was sort of my thought too. I don’t have any credit card debt. If an emergency expense happened before I could refill my e-fund I would put it on my credit card. I hate the idea of doing that, but I would do it. I know I could pay it off within a few months anyway.
HW
That’s what I did and it worked out fine.
Cat
Yes, but we’re well-compensated DINKs, in a HCOL but not VH area. So the amount of back-patting deserved is minimal.
Anonymous
Idk if that math works. That means, before you buy a house, you should have cash on hand/easily liquidable assets in the amount of one year of your gross annual salary? No one does that.
Anon
Yes, literally no one does that.
Also: for us, as for many, the choice was to drain our liquid cash emergency fund to make a higher down payment (on a house, which is an illiquid asset that may not appreciate in value) or do something really dumb like do an early withdrawal from a 401k. We did a smaller down payment and hung on to our cash, which was a great idea as we had about $8,000 in repairs and necessary upgrades in the first year we owned the house. I have seen it many times: people break their arms patting themselves on the back because they were able to do a 30% down payment – that drained their entire cash reserve. Then someone gets laid off, there’s a major car repair, etc. and there’s no way to pay for it except getting out the credit card, and eating rice and beans until it’s paid off. No thanks.
An excellent piece of advice I got here years ago: “Your kids can’t eat paid-off loans.” Meaning, getting rid of debt is great until you are left with no cash with which you can cover emergencies. There’s a balance to be found, but to me, given that we bought a moderately-priced house that was well within the affordable range for us (we use the 25-30% of take-home pay mark discussed above, to determine affordability), I didn’t feel bad about going with a lower down payment and keeping some cash in the bank for emergencies. Given the current world, national and economic situation, I feel even better about that choice.
Anon
One more thing: we did stay below 3x our annual income on our home (we are actually below 2x) but we are not in a VHCOL area. I have friends in the Bay Area and that mark is well-nigh unachievable.
AnonBayArea
This seems like a rule for the parts of the country where housing is … cheaper.
You’re supposed to have 30% of the purchase price in cash after buying? and ensure that the purchase price is <3x annual salary? This seems… nuts.
Essentially not possible in my VHCOL neighborhood, where we bought a 1M fixer-upper. So we had an extra 15% of purchase price in cash, put down 40% (once again VHCOL neighborhood, and we needed to compete with all cash offers), house was 5x HHI. Rent on a similar house would be 40-50% of monthly income.
What I found useful was the NYT's cheaper to buy or rent calculator- I'd committed to living in my city, and was going to either pay rent or mortgage. It was useful to figure out where our money would go in either case, and purchasing our home made a lot of financial sense.
Anonymous
I read OP’s statement to say 30% before buying – 20% for the downpayment and 10% for an emergency fund, I guess on the theory that larger and more expensive houses can have more expensive emergencies? Not sure that really applies to a condo in the same way.
AnonBayArea
Agreed- if the condo HOA has good reserves and you have homeowners insurance, the worst you’d be out is… an appliance? Insurance copay on a flood?
Anon
I mean, it’s a good rule of thumb: be able to put down 20%, have extra cash for closing costs and emergency funds (in case your transmission craps out the week after you close), and don’t buy more house than you can afford.
The ratios don’t work out particularly well when you’re talking about very expensive areas or when your mortgage payment is in the three figures every month. In the latter situation, so long as you are earning a normal adult salary, you should be fine. In the former situation, you just have to crunch the numbers to figure out how much money you are able to allocate to housing. Day care costs, city taxes, commuting costs, etc., cost much more than LCOL and MCOL areas; however, if you’re earning a lot of money, you just have more money available at the end of the month after all those things are paid.
Anonymous
I don’t really understand the pearl clutching around PMI. Put enough down so you’re not underwater on the house due to normal market fluctuations, who cares if you can’t deduct a comparatively small amount of interest? If you continue to rent, you can deduct $0. I put down less than 20% on my house. My landlord was hiking up my rent so I had to move. I knew I wanted to buy in the near future, and I wanted to save myself the trouble and expense of moving twice within a year or two. My house is much less expensive than anything (reasonable) I could’ve rented, I’ve saved thousands over the few years I’ve been here. The PMI fell off pretty quickly and really didn’t impact my bottom line.
Anon
+1 million. Posted about this last week so won’t reiterate, but – especially with mortgage rates below 3%, paying PMI is very far from the end of the world.
iliketoknit
Yes, absolutely agree with all this.
Anon
so DH and I want to buy a house that is probably ~1 mil. we are mid 30s and think it makes sense to stretch a bit rather than buy and move and buy again since we’ve waited so long to buy. we have 2 kids. i am very financially conservative and told him i won’t buy unless we have 600k in cash. he earns A LOT more than i do so we could not afford what we want if he were to lose his job. we probably want to put down ~30% in down payment, so 300K, and then closing costs, moving expenses, etc which brings us to around 400k, then i think we need to have a 100k emergency fund, and then i think it is hard to budget exactly for all of the costs associated with home ownership, any work that pops up on the house, we also have to buy a second car when we buy a house, and while we most certainly do not need to furnish the whole house at once, we will need to buy some furniture, maybe the house will need blinds etc. we are very very privileged to be in a position where will probably be able to do this bc we both had some grad student debt, which we’ve paid back, no undergrad debt and while i’d give anything to have my parent back, we did inherit money as a result of a parent’s premature death
Aunt Jamesina
Why put down more than 20% if you also want a good amount of cash on hand?
Anon
I recently bought a house and previously was of your school of thought but our financial advisor actually talked us into doing a lower down payment (we were able to qualify for a program where we don’t have to pay PMI). He ran the math/numbers for us and it actually made way more sense us to put less than 20% down so we have higher cash reserves and also move some of our excess cash into investments. With interests rates as low as they are right now and the magic of compound interest on investment returns being much higher than interest rates, even assuming a very modest market return over the life of our loan, putting less down was the smarter financial move for us.
Anon
The ratios are always sort of silly to me especially if your in a HCOL area or earn more than average. Budgets based on percentages never made any sense to me – like x% should go to essentials like groceries makes zero sense to me. Yes, now that I have more disposable income, I spent a bit more on groceries, but there’s an upper limit and a lower limit on groceries. Why is the advice spend x% regardless of whether your income is $50k or $250k, particularly when certain parts of your budget are going to be relatively fixed (or close to fixed) regardless of your income?
Anon
On the monthly mortgage piece, yes, definitely, it’s way less than a third of my gross. Just a little less than a third of my net too. But no, I wasn’t anywhere near the other two. I had 20% down, which left me a little more than zero leftover (not great, I know) and the purchase price was closer to 4x my annual gross income.
Horse Crazy
I’m looking into buying a stationary bike, but I can’t afford a Peloton. What’s the best affordable alternative?
Lily
Have you considered the no-interest financing with Peloton? I think we pay $110/month for the bike payment + subscription when all is said and done, and after 3 (I think?) years, will own the bike outright. It’s definitely cheaper than having two fancy gym memberships.
You can also buy a Peloton second-hand, I believe.
Anon
The blog Hungry Runner Girl recommended an affordable alternative that she said has held up for 10 years. I’d check that out.
Anonymous
I bought a similar model to what HRG recommended on Amazon. Then, I bought a Wahoo cadence tracker and set up an old TV with a Chromecast in my workout area. Setup was pretty easy and after the initial pairing of all devices, it’s super smooth to hop on and ride. I highly recommend an alternative setup like this for a fraction of the cost.
Ribena
There may be some affordable second hand models around in the next few months as long time owners want to upgrade to the new Bike+?
I’m swithering between the Peloton and the new Apex Rides system but I think that’s UK only so not sure if it’s actually helpful?
Anon
I recently got a Schwinn ic4, which I can use not only with Peloton app (which is cheaper per month if you don’t have Peloton), using my ipad, but also with lots of other spin apps, including Les Mills on demand, although I do like Peloton. Hooks up by bluetooth to show your cadence. I love it. Resistance is heavier on the ic4 than the Peloton, so you kind of have to know the conversion, but it’s not hard. I’m not sure it’s the *full* Peloton experience, but it’s the parts that I care about. There’s a good facebook group about the ic4 and the Bowflex bike that’s the same model – it’s a good place to check it out if you want to learn more. I’m so, so happy I got this bike.
Anon
Echelon.
anon
Actually the Peloton Reddit forum has a whole section/ subsection about what to buy if you can’t afford the bike but want the best set up possible. Good place to start. Lots of people there use the app but use a different bike!
Anon
Yes, this is a really supportive part of Reddit and they have great suggestions on alternatives.
The Lone Ranger
Sole get good reviews. Nordic Track are well made and last forever.
Anon
OH! I have so much info for you.
So… there is a facebook group called Peloton Digital App Users and they all talk about this stuff. One came up with a spreadsheet of different bikes to compare. You can find it here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1mbK2aHeJJTNuj9sOUPN8SDq2CNLXmmyl_0oaaW5zWOw/edit?usp=sharing&fbclid=IwAR1kXPtoOpF910YU6fzTV6ESZUVCdbsyLaMUR6xKQwZ-KnIIZd6IwiXJu-k
For myself, I just ordered a Stryde Bike. It is essentially an unlocked Peloton and you can use it to access the Peloton app or website. Or TV. OR whatever. It is less expensive and you can use it with more programs. If you don’t have a TV in the location you are putting the bike, it’s a great option. I have a friend getting the bowflex bike. She’s doing that because there’s a TV where she’s putting hers so she can stream on there.
Anonny
OH! I have so much info for you.
So… there is a facebook group called Peloton Digital App Users and they all talk about this stuff. One came up with a spreadsheet of different bikes to compare. You can find it here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1mbK2aHeJJTNuj9sOUPN8SDq2CNLXmmyl_0oaaW5zWOw/edit?usp=sharing&fbclid=IwAR1kXPtoOpF910YU6fzTV6ESZUVCdbsyLaMUR6xKQwZ-KnIIZd6IwiXJu-k
For myself, I just ordered a Stryde Bike. It is essentially an unlocked Peloton and you can use it to access the Peloton app or website. Or TV. OR whatever. It is less expensive and you can use it with more programs. If you don’t have a TV in the location you are putting the bike, it’s a great option. I have a friend getting the bowflex bike. She’s doing that because there’s a TV where she’s putting hers so she can stream on there.
Coach Laura
It was recommended here so I’m very grateful. Read the blogger Franish and the blogger Sipping and Shopping and another blogger My Purse Strings on peloton substitutes. All started out with a Sunny (~$350 on amazon) and now sipping and shopping has upgraded to a Keiser, which is similar to a peloton. I’ve also seen Schwinn Ic4 as a good substitute. Just google peloton substitute to get how to set up a non-peloton to use with the peloton workouts.
I use an old “exercise bike” with the Wahoo cadence and speed sensor as outlined by both bloggers above. The free Wahoo app on my phone, plus the $12.99 peloton app really helps motivate me. I put the peloton on Roku on my big TV while I workout. The $70 cadence and speed sensors are key.
I am so happy to have learned about that here.
Anon
There was an apartment fire last week caused by a faulty battery in an exercise bike. Two dogs died. I don’t understand why people need these things to be electric, let alone have computers and video screen and ridiculous amounts of expensive extras.
Coach Laura
That’s sad about the two dogs dying but you could say that about TVs and ovens and clothes dryers. Why do we need TVs if they’re going to cause fires? Why do we need cell phones if charging one in 100 million might start a fire? Can’t we eat all our food raw and not use an oven?
Most bikes aren’t electronic, in any event, but my TV could start a fire tomorrow.
The reason people *need* “ridiculous expensive extras” are because they make it easier/better/more fun to work out. I wouldn’t pedal a bike for 45 minutes without the Peloton video to watch. Perhaps I could pedal for 45 while watching something on TV but it wouldn’t be as good of a workout because of the different workout routines (e.g. HIIT, low impact, high intensity) that Peloton offers. Most people who use the Peloton app like the music, the encouragement, the camaraderie and and the intensity and most people can’t get that without the streaming content.
iliketoknit
Because I hate exercise and the video screen and computer stuff actually makes it fun and enjoyable for me. There are all kinds of electronics in my house that could go haywire and cause a fire, whether it’s an exercise bike or something else seems like a weird thing to worry about.
Anon
I also find it incredibly offensive. My DH is miliary and it’s an okay job, but ultimately its my career which pays our mortgage. Unfortunately in the military most wives are SAHMs and truly are dependent. I think you just need to accept that the culture of the military is not one which takes kindly to successful women.
Anonymous
Don’t you mean spouse? A highly successful husband of a military member would still be called a dependent.
Color help
What color bath towels/mats etc. should I get for a very beige-y bathroom? The cabinets are dark brown, the floor tile is a light beige and the walls are kind of medium beige. My go-to colors for a more white bathroom were shades of blue, but I put out my gray-ish blue towels and they look very out of place now. Thinking maybe I need to get warmer colors?
Vicky Austin
Maybe a nice rust or red? (Probably not both…)
Cat
I would just go with white. Easy to care for and easy to use in other bathrooms.
anonshmanon
I could imagine navy to work in that space. Or other strong blue tones.
Anonymous
Yellow
Anonymous
If you like blue a strong turquoise could work.
Anon
I would do white. I’m not a fan of solid colored towels.
Anonymous
Always white towels. You can bleach them and you know when to toss them. Colored towels always look shabby.
anon a mouse
Very white. White bathmats/rugs, white towels, big white frames on the wall. It will really brighten up the room.
Shoe cabinet
Does anyone have a shoe cabinet that doesn’t need to be mounted to the wall? I like the Hemnes one from IKEA but my husband doesn’t want to have to attach anything to the wall.
Cat
It’s hard to find cabinets that are that tall and slim that don’t attach to the wall, because they would be really easy to tip over.
For storage that just rests on the floor, I see mostly wire rack type storage – not as cute.
If you have enough depth for a decent size bookshelf, could you use baskets to serve a similar function?
OP
Oh that is a good point about tipping over! And I like that idea about the baskets!
Anonymous
I have a strong plastic one, with many deep pockets, that hangs from two hooks on the wall of a very tight space in a closet. I normally dislike plastic but this has really solved a problem and works very well. And cleaning is easy. I think I got it from the store of the Brazilian river.
Anon
I promise you can do this yourself and don’t need your husband’s help.
Mondays
It’s expose but I love the Yamazaki one https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06VX4WQQD/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
It’s only just occurred to me that there are relatively easy, minor updates a homeowner can do that have a size-able impact on the look of your space. Things I’m considering: Update wall sconces and and pendant lights, update track lighting, change cabinet handles, change faucet. Maybe paint cabinets, add backsplash, change bathroom mirrors? Other suggestions that made a big impact in your space?
Anon
It seems like every home I see on HGTV has a seizure-inducing backsplash in the kitchen. I’d start there if yours needs to be changed.
Anonymous
We changed out all of our doorknobs. Ours were very outdated and it made a big difference on our refi appraisal.
Anon
I’d also recommend general cleaning and paint removal. I cleaned all the door hinges, electric/switch wall plates etc and took off extraneous paint from bad prior paint jobs. Alternatively if yours aren’t good quality, those are cheap and easy replacements.
Nesprin
refinishing kitchen cabinets== very hard work from experience. Replacing track lighting with rail lighting, cabinet handles and framing mirrors make a huge difference tho.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think painting cabinets is actually a minor or easy project. Can definitely have a big impact, though!
anon
Lighting can make a big difference, as does paint.
Anon
Also, if you have one of those awful front-door-opens-straight-into-the-living-space homes like I do, finding a way to corral the coats and shoes and stuff that has nowhere to go could help a lot. If you find any solutions, let me know because I’m very over having to see all that junk every day.
Anon
I posted separately about finding a shoe cabinet for to the same reason! So much junk to see when you first enter my house!
Anon
Ugh it’s the worst, isn’t it? If I had the space for a wardrobe, it would all go in there, but that’s not a thing in tiny cramped apartments. I so miss having a real entryway and will never buy a home without one.
SmallLawAtl
If your electrical outlets or light switches are beige, learn how to replace them and switch them out for white. They are super-easy and cheap to replace once you get the hang of it. (Beware a three-way switch, though–take pics of the old wiring before you remove the old switch.)
If your bathroom mirrors are the 70s/80s kind that are glued to the wall, it sounds cheesy but the kits where you buy a frame for them (Mirrormate is the original, but there are others) are a huge improvement.
Door knobs and hinges.
Window coverings–blinds, shades, etc.
Repainting trim if it is dingy.
Anon
Paint everything white that is off-white, recaulk, if you have rickrack trim over closets or in your kitchen get rid of it, if you have yellowed recessed light cans pop them out and spray paint them, rehang curtains so they don’t block the window when open
pugsnbourbon
Paint – the hassle is in the prep work, but it makes the finished product so much better.
New window treatments. Not the easiest thing in the world but huge impact.
Plants! Ours are making us so happy.
Anonanonanon2
New outlets and wall switches. Switch your switches to paddle switches. Don’t just change the plate, change the whole thing.
New blinds.
New doorknobs.
Anon
The easiest decorative pick me up is new throw pillows. There are so many gorgeous ones! If you are old fashioned like me and use a tablecloth in the dining room, splurge on something higher end, especially for holidays and guests. Candlesticks.
Anon
Lightbulbs – get daylight spectre bulbs.
Plants and flowers.
Less cluttered entrance.
Nice hooks for robes etc. in bedroom.
Sunny Lawyer
Question for any LA-based ‘rettes: We’re relocating to LA. My partner will likely be working in Gardena and I’ll be in Santa Monica. Any ideas on where to live that wouldn’t be a horrendous commute for either of us? (Assume that eventually both of us will have go to into the office, for now that won’t be the case.) We were considering El Segundo and Playa Vista/Westchester, but Playa Vista rentals seem to be rather pricey.
Happy for any and all thoughts the group may have!
Anon LA
I would try to live closer to your work vs partner’s work if possible since your commute will be in heavy traffic, theirs should be mostly reverse commute, which here means moderate traffic instead of insane during rush hour. It’s been awhile since I made a drive that way, but iirc from drives to the airport, Playa vista or westchester should put you at under 45 min for commute to Santa Monica most of the time. But definitely plug the areas into a maps app to test out estimated drive times before committing. People in these parts consider 30 minutes or less to be a short commute, with many people driving 45-60 one way routinely, so I’d use that to help frame what to expect when people talk about reasonable commute times and make sure they align with your goals. Despite all of our traffic woes, I love it here, welcome!
The Only GenXer in the Office
LA native here and I’d suggest living on the Westside. Commuting to Santa Monica is a NIGHTMARE from anywhere south. (Seriously, I used to live in the South Bay and it could take up to three hours some mornings). If your partner is commuting south to Gardena, they will be going against traffic. If you live in El Segundo or Playa Vista, even though you’re past the South Bay Curve, you’ll still be stuck sitting in traffic. Good luck!
Kitten
I second this.
This might not work for your particular circumstances, but if it were me, I would live walking distance to my job and have your husband take the full commute (maybe in exchange for you being in charge of dinner or whatever makes sense). Living in El Segundo or Playa will probably not make a noticeable reduction in his commute but would drastically increase yours. Maybe you could even get by with only owning one car, which would easily justify the added expense of Santa Monica.
Seventh Sister
LA person here. Do you have kids? Santa Monica and El Segundo public schools have good reputations. I don’t know much about Playa Vista or Westchester public schools.
Commuting in and out of Santa Monica is pretty dreadful – it’s a huge employment center but there is very little public transit or infrastructure so it’s often pretty bumper-to-bumper. If I was in your shoes, I’d probably pick El Segundo or Santa Monica proper. Maybe Mar Vista.
Seventh Sister
Personally, I’m not a huge “beach cities” person (Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach, etc.). It looks really pretty, but the traffic is a perpetual snarl and there’s an oversupply of very wealthy, very entitled people.
Anon
Culver City or Palms.
anon
Best place to go glasses shopping in DC? I have a small face and a $500 annual allowance for glasses/vision, so would like to buy a nice pair. i have a cheap $30 pair from vision works which i love, but I haven’t found anything that I really like at Warby Parker, VisionWorks or Lens Crafters, and part of the reason is that the selection of stuff that fits my face is just too narrow
anon
I adore Dupont Optical. Expensive but so worth it. They have beautiful frames and really excellent customer service.
Anon
Zenni
Anon
I can’t help you with stores, but you can typically order different frames sizes than what is on display. If you really like something it often will come in a smaller size. I have on occasion bought frames via Amazon prime to try on (with free returns) if I wasn’t able to try on smaller sizes in store. You might also want to check if places have alternative fit / low bridge fit (sometimes called Asian fit) glasses – I think Warby Parker does but you may need to do something special to get those sizes for try on.
anon a mouse
See or Blink.
Little Red
Georgetown Opticians if you’re willing to chip in for beyond any portion beyond $500. I got a pair of Lunor frames there three years ago and they are still in great shape looks wise even after wearing them every day.
Anon
I think it would be fun to do some wine tasting at home. I’ve been looking at new to me smaller wineries to buy from but I am hesitant to order a case from some random winery out there as I don’t want to get stuck with a case of wine from a single winery that is not so great. Does anyone have recommendations? Generally we prefer drier reds. Has anyone done one of the virtual tastings wineries have started offering?
Anon
Instead of a winery, we went with a local wine store that sells a lot of wines from local importers. They’ve been selling selection packs with different themes (say a specific region or a specific style) for curbside pickup with a case discount. I think the store’s general theme is small producers (I noticed several of the wines we got were biodynamic, ecological, or had one of various European designations of authentic production techniques). All I can say I was really pleased and impressed with the two packages we got. The regional one almost made me feel as though I’d had a chance to travel (partly since reading the description led to questions which led to Googling, etc., and partly just since wine can be so transporting). I thought they did a good job selecting wines that the same person would enjoy, but which were also diverse and interesting to compare.
Anon
Second the wine store. I have a quarterly subscription of 6 bottles from my local wine merchant. They pick a selection of reasonably priced wines and then we try them over the course of a few weeks. (We are max 2 bottles a week around here, usually 1, so it takes a while.) Then if we really like any of them, we call the store and order half a case or a full case, or a mixed box. The thing I LOVE about my wine store is that they make notes on what I like, and I can call them to put something together for me based on that as well.
Then they meet me at their back door and put the box in my car trunk without me getting out of the car. Very COVID safe!
Duchess
We did a virtual wine tasting with Frog’s Leap and it was great! We were able to have three households (and I think we could have had one more?) on Zoom with them and we bought their tasting kit (#1 I think…) that had two reds and two whites. And honestly? The wines were great! We have a pretty wide range of preferences, and everyone liked something a lot and no one disliked anything! I would HIGHLY recommend them.
Lovely Muck
I prefer dry reds too, and I like variety. I have been ordering from Last Bottle, https://www.lastbottlewines.com/. They are located in Napa Valley, and they select one bottle per day to sell for 30% to 70% off retail until they run out. My wine snob friend recommended it to me and I have been super impressed with my orders so far (plus her orders, when I used to drink her wine before COVID). They ship free if you order 4-6 bottles at a time (not sure why it is sometimes 4 and sometimes 6). The shipping can be slow because they time it so your wines are not sitting out too long, but they are worth the wait. Also, their descriptions of the wines are hilarious. If you order from them, here is a $10 credit (full disclosure, I get a $30 credit if you use this referral link but would recommend them regardless): https://www.lastbottlewines.com/invite/c8a9c19e33e9ad2262e1.html. Cheers!
Mondays
Where do you live? The Tail Up Goat tastings in DC have been fun and informative – for the Sicily one they had several of the winemakers join. They also give info to help people who are out of the metro area find the wines. I’ve also been following the tastings from Rebel Rebel in the Boston area.
BayArea
Between last week’s heat wave which meant we couldn’t go outdoors — and this week’s air quality which means we can’t go outdoors — I’m just really, really struggling.
Anon
I am too. I haven’t been outside for more than a brief trip to the store in about 10 days because our air quality has been either “unhealthy,” “very unhealthy,” or “hazardous.” There were a few days where it was slightly better, but our heat index was 108+. This is the longest stretch I’ve been inside so far, but there were plenty of other days/weeks in with the same problem in August too so I’m having trouble just sucking it up this time (if this were the first/only event, I think I’d be a little better off). Sigh.
Anonymous
It’s rough. How can we help?
Anon
Same. We finally left the house yesterday to go to one of our favorite stores, Bombay Spice House on University in Berkeley, and it was THRILLING. (We do nearly 100% grocery delivery otherwise)
Reminder that if you go anywhere in your car, set the system on recirculated air.
Anon
Is there a chance that anyone knows how to handle a field like…”Fall 2019″…in Python/Pandas? I keep getting a Key error. This is for a personal project, and I’m a beginner at this stuff.
Anonymous
Look on Stack Exchange
alina
A column name? You’ll have to refer to it as df[‘Fall 2019’] instead of df.fall_2019 or anything else.
alina
Or the ideas here may help – https://stackoverflow.com/questions/35831496/key-error-when-selecting-columns-in-pandas-dataframe-after-read-csv
Anon
Thanks so much, Alina! I was working on that for 6 hours and someone was helping me for about 3! You’re a lifesaver!