Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Side Pleat Sheath Dress

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1. Anyone want to shop for me? I need

   – big college reunion dress (it may be cold or hot, which makes this hard); and

   – something for my firm’s anniversary party – jumpsuit? dress? I don’t want to wear a suit!

   Thanks for any help!

   1. General idea of shape/height, style preferences, and budget?

      1. Oh yes, sorry, under $200 for each, size 6ish, 5’8″, fairly straight figure

         1. Not rufflepuff for the firm event but I like color and prints for big events (so not black?).

            1. Lots of colourful & printed dresses at Boden and Anthropologie.

            2. And a lot of the Boden dresses have long sleeves, so if it’s not warm you could wear a long sleeve tee underneath (I like Uniqlo HeatTech for this) for added coziness.

   2. What temps or climate for cold or hot? Why not a sleeveless dress + cardigan combo?

      For my college reunions we’re trekking across the green and the campus until we’re old / disabled / rich enough to get escorted in golf carts. Highly recommend building an outfit around esparadilles for style in warm weather or comfy shoes for cooler weather

      Maybe think “college colors”?

   3. For color + prints I thought of Farm Rio. I filtered for items around the $200 mark and came up with these:

      For firm party, might be too winter-y: https://farmrio.com/products/stitched-flowers-black-short-sleeve-midi-dress
      For reunion, silly but fun: https://farmrio.com/products/colorful-salad-knit-dress-1?_pos=26&_fid=7a0e2dba4&_ss=c
      For reunion, show off those legs: https://farmrio.com/products/black-passion-scarf-mini-wrap-dress?_pos=67&_fid=7a0e2dba4&_ss=c

   4. I am in a jumpsuit era. Check out the Black Halo Ara, the Maggy London Define, and the Reiss Alba tie-waist.

2. Paging the poster looking for a vest with a hood– try Oiselle! They have a few options, including at least one on sale. I like their stuff more than Lululemon and as much as Athleta, if not more.

3. Amora soft cardigan: yea or nay? sizing? quality?
   I am being followed around the web by them, and of course am now curious.

4. How does one shop for a mattress these days? We’ve had ours for ~10 years, and at that time, we went to a mattress store and bought it. I know there are still stores around like Mattress Firm and Sleep Number, but also that there are a ton of online only options, and I have no idea where to start. We’re looking for a medium-firm king size, if that helps.

   1. Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but I still go shopping in my local furniture store. I don’t want to buy something I’m going to spend a third of my days sleeping on sight unseen.

      1. I go one further and find a local manufacturer – there are a surprising number of them, and the mattresses tend to last a lot longer. We are going on year 14 with our king bed with no noticeable decline in comfort or dips in the mattress and I’m not a small person.

         1. I do this too. We have European Sleep Works here.

            Another shortfall of ordering online is how do you get rid of your old mattress. At least with a sleep store, when the truck shows up with your new mattress, they can take the old one away.

   2. We bought one from Macy’s about 10 years ago. There is still a furniture showroom in my city so we tried some out in person.

   3. I buy from fancy hotels. We recently got the four seasons mattress and bedding and it is a sheer delight. Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely, we sleep on it every night. If you want to test it, you can always go to the hotel. Westin also sells the heavenly bed through Pottery Barn, but it’s only slightly less expensive. Feels very similar though when I stay at those hotels.

      1. Can you speak more about the quality and comfort of the mattress and bedding? I am interested in updating bedding, pillows, and mattresses for the kids room and guest room.

         1. It’s what they use at the four seasons hotels so it’s amazingly comfortable and seems durable, I mean it’s just me and my husband sleeping on it and I like a new mattress every 10 years or so. I get the pillows and bedding too, which is all lovely. I could probably get something similar elsewhere but I don’t want to waste time and money seeking dupes when I can just order what I know I like. If you’ve stayed at a 4S, you’ve tested it. I wouldn’t splurge like that on a guest room or kids room though. You’re looking at like 8k all in.

   4. We bought a well reviewed mattress and separate topper from Avocado.

      The most comfortable mattress we’ve ever slept on was a tricked out Aireloom. Airelooms cost a fortune and don’t score all that well on longevity, so this was my compromise, and it’s the second most comfortable mattress we ever slept on. So we had a lot of must haves and a lot of wants, since I was trying to approximate the composition of the Aireloom that I liked. And while we both like a supportive mattress, there’s a hundred pound difference between us.

      I will say though, the interim mattress we used before we moved and sized up our bed was just a cheap Zinus memory foam from Amazon. It had the usual memory foam issues (zero edge retention, sleeps warm). Apparently I should be grateful I never unzipped it. But I honestly got a lot of good sleep on that mattress for someone who would never choose a memory foam topper and who is sadly well past being able to get decent sleep on a sofa or futon. Neither of us feels bad about sleeping on it in the spare room if one of us sick. So we have two internet purchased mattresses that we’re honestly fine with, even though our odds of being comfortable on a hotel or AirBnB or guestroom mattress are generally slim.

   5. I go to a store and try out a variety of mattresses. Many stores will also throw in a frame and/or dispose of an old mattress as part of the deal. The store experience also gives me an opportunity to talk to someone about the relative merits of different mattresses, with the caveat that mattress salespersons can sometimes be sketchy.

   6. We went to our local furniture store and tested them out. We also decided on the adjustable frame and I love it! As someone prone to respiratory illness, having the ability to tilt the mattress up is a game changer when sick!

   7. Honestly I took a flyer based on online reviews. I was convinced I would like a latex mattress and liked the reports of longevity. Initially I bought a topper to extend the life of my dying and much loved Englander spring mattress (it gave me 22 years!!). Then when I could afford to, I bought a mattress from the same brand as the topper. I spent lots of time poking around reviews before both purchases and I absolutely love my mattress. Everyone who has slept on it agrees.

   8. I actually subscribed to Consumer Reviews last time I was shopping for a mattress, and found them spectacularly unhelpful.

      The US mattress industry has been a mess since private equity acquired and drained the main players in the 90s. The models get different names for various distribution channels, so it’s hard to compare on purpose. Just based on that, I would second the recommendations to find a small local manufacturer if you can. Wish I had thought of that…

      What I ended up doing is looking at Macy’s reviews online, and ruthlessly eliminating any models with even a small minority of serious complaints (edges collapsing, dipping in the middle after a year, etc. (I actually made a spreadsheet, because mattress shopping is insane like that.) I ended up with a handful of models that were worth trying in store, and bought one of those in their Labor Day sale. Macy’s has a pretty generous return policy on mattresses — something that you might want to look for wherever you buy.

      1. I remember buying my first mattress in the mid-90s. I in-person shopped at multiple department stores, specialty stores, factory warehouses, discounters, etc.over the course of a very long (10 hours?) day and came home shook. I had purchased a car alone at age 19 a few years before and found that experience markedly simpler and less fraught. I had no idea. I did eventually end up with a really great find, I think because I found a salesperson who took some pity on me and made a good recommendation but also may have overcharged me a little.

5. Has anyone experienced nothing from any ADHD drug you’ve tried? Even if you have tried the same thing as family members? From testing, my ADHD is off the charts. I do well enough (but not setting the world on fire) in school and the summer jobs I’ve had but it is exhausting. Activities are exhausting. I can do one thing well and then I’m just done. I can’t be a superstar in a world that wants that. I can just BE. I wonder if it makes sense to keep trying for a med that works (then maybe school for an advanced degree is an option, but it would come with a harder career) or just quit trying and try to enjoy a good but more basic life. I feel like I’m already a hamster on a wheel. My parents tried to help me with this and even went from a pediatrician to a great psychiatrist who even did DNA testing to look for clues but even she couldn’t get anything that worked.

   It is just exhausting. I feel like as a “smart” girl, throwing in the towel is really frowned upon. Everyone else is killing it in med school and law school and paths like that are likely to have me crashing and burning.

   1. Question: could this be depression instead of ADHD? Most of what you’ve described sounds like my depression. (Shockingly, depression rarely involves me walking around under a cartoon rain cloud – surprising, I know.) Have you tried antidepressants?

      1. I don’t think so. The clicker testing thing is something I’m off the chart on for impulsivity and barely in it for inattention. Very “squirrel! . . .”

         1. I did the clicker test too and it also said I was off the charts for hyperactivity but barely there for inattention — but I think it’s because I came up with a system for how to do the test that involved holding my eyes where the last red/blue square/circle had come from. Did you maybe do something similar?

         2. The clicker testing thing is notoriously unreliable.

      2. +1. People with ADHD often have depression too

         1. I know; I’m more on #TeamAnxiety though.

      3. My husband has ADHD and depressive episodes. His doctor has him on meds for both and says they occur together very frequently.

         1. Depression and/or anxiety are definitely comorbid conditions with ADHD. It can be really hard to suss out what’s actually going on.

            1. And sometimes the uncontrolled ADHD exacerbates or causes the depression and/or anxiety so treating the ADHD also treats the other.

   2. My children have been diagnosed with ADD and it’s now emerged that the youngest has trauma, not ADD. No medication was working for her.

      The specialist tested for sleep apnea too as this is the other common cause of inattention symptoms.

      I had no idea that this was a thing. Not saying either of these things applies to you, but the professionals were clear that ADD medication won’t work if you don’t have traditional ADD that is part of the DSM.

      1. 100%. I’d want to rule out sleep apnea and anxiety.

   3. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s, after some how making it through law school and 8 years of a legal career (I was doing great at work by relying on my brain, adrenalin, anxiety, and perfectionism, at the cost of crashing and burning in my personal life). I’ve tried a couple different meds and noticed a difference between them. I’ve also noticed a difference between generics and brands. It’s definitely worth trying different meds and also different doses. Remember that a dose can be too high as well as too low. I’m sure you’ve thought about behavioral modifications before, but you could also see a therapist who specializes in ADHD for additional help. All that being said, it *is* okay to just be. You don’t need to be a superstar. But if ADHD is interfering with your ability to live the life you want to live, whether that’s just *being* or being a high performer (however you define that), then it’s worth trying to treat.

   4. Sorry you’re going through this, OP. I don’t have personal experience with ADHD, but I want to say that you can just ‘be’ for now – for the next 6 months, or two years, and re-evaluate how you’re feeling and potentially try new medication then. It would be permission to take a break from the hamster wheel, relax, and enjoy your life (as it is). It’s not a “now or never” situation.

      In the meantime, you could seek therapy to understand how to work with your ADHD, or techniques for dealing with the frustration you’re currently feeling about underachieving.

   5. Also stop trying to set the world on fire. Have goals but I have a feeling you are trying to take on too much.

      I’ve had a good career despite many challenges. My peers that have strong careers and ‘set the world on fire’ had parents who cleared the path for them (aka privilege).

      One peer was listed on many top 30 under 30 as being a wunderkid in their field. They were ok at their job but their parents paid for their awards, seeing it as an investment in their child’s career.

      Another who quickly made partner at a law firm before their 31st birthday had parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins all in the same field. They grew up around it so were able to shine in the first 2-3 years of working. That positive start continued with her selecting the right opportunities which enabled their ‘set the world on fire’ success.

      1. And FFS some people actually just are talented and work hard. It’s fine to not set the world on fire or be mediocre but please stop pretending that anyone successful just had it handed to them to excuse your own inadequacy.

         1. Wowza. Issues much?

         2. This is an unpleasant comment. Was it necessary?

         3. I bet you’re fun at parties.

         4. A bit harsh, but yeah. Trying to make yourself feel better by assuming successful people had things handed to them is building your self esteem on sinking sands and ultimately leads to resentment, not a healthy self-concept.

   6. I want to give you a hug. It sounds like you’re trying really hard to do all the things, and it’s not working for how you’re wired. A couple of random thoughts:
      1) It’s OK to do less. Even if it’s just for now. Maybe now isn’t the time for grad school, but who knows what your life will look like in 2, 3, or 5 years.
      2) You absolutely can find a career that doesn’t require you to set the world on fire. Not everyone in the workplace is the hard-charging type, and that is FINE. It takes all kinds. You don’t want an organization full of people who need to be the best; in fact, that’s not always helpful or healthy. Yes, saying that out loud on a board populated with lawyers! If you have strong technical skills and are easy to work with, you may be surprised how much you can achieve, even if you don’t identify as a superstar.
      3) If you have ADHD, my guess is that you are FIRE when there’s an imminent deadline that requires intense focus for short bursts. Lean into that. Organizations need those people, too. One of my best employees moves at a rather slow pace most of the time. Until a crisis happens, and then he is, hands-down, the person I want by my side.
      4) You sound really defeated, but I promise you that you have strengths and skills. Think about what those are. There is a place for you.

      1. I think this comment is a great response to OP’s issues. I want to add that I just started reading a book called I Didn’t Do the Thing Today by Madeline Dore and OP, I think you could benefit from reading it too. I too have thought about getting medicated for ADHD and bemoaned that it feels insurmountable to do well when I just want to BE, and this book is already changing my life. Wishing you the best.

   7. OMG stop trying to set the world on fire and start finding out what works for you and makes you happy. By all means make sure you can earn enough for food, shelter and entertainment but at a certain point ambition is just one option and not the best option.

      1. To be fair, we (me, my friends, possibly this board) live in a world that demands that “smart” people achieve to 100% of what they could do, in every minute of the day. Girls, especially, get told that they can be perfect in school and do ALL of the right activities and be #leaders and they will still get waitlisted at all of the schools they want to go to. Perfection isn’t enough. I get that it’s exhausting. It’s accurate. Good law school. Good grades. BigLaw. And you hate every minute of it. Maybe you used to love it but the life is sucked out of you day by day. IDK what the point is — you are not wrong about being the hamster on the wheel.

         You can be a nurse. You can be a great nurse (nurses do all sorts of things and you can go to advanced levels later if you want or not). You aren’t nothing if you don’t go to medical school. You can be an EMT. You can be a school nurse. It’s all good. All are needed.

         FWIW, meds aren’t routinely tested on women, let alone girls. Boys with ADHD seem to be instantly identifiable and quickly medicated, generally with results. Girls — no one knows. Younger women — probably have been winging it if they are wired differently at great emotional draining and cost. No one has unlimited bandwidth and it may take you an effort of 100 to get a yield of 50. No one seems to care if they aren’t turning over desks or getting into fights. The medical world fails women every day and girls and puberty (OP sounds older and out of that) rocks everyone’s world, probably more so if you’re not typically wired.

         1. Totally – but the world is a messed up place and we don’t have to continue to feed into it. Be a bit bohemian, aim a tad lower, be happier.

            1. From the millennial classic Garden State: “I like being mediocre. I sleep better.”

   8. I’m currently using a medication successfully but it’s not a magic bullet. And maybe that’s the piece you’re missing. Things are just never going to be as easy for you as someone who doesn’t have ADHD. If you keep looking at others and wanting to feel like them and be able to do things like them, it’s not going to be a realistic goal. It’s always going to be more exhausting no matter what.

      In hindsight, I should not have gone to law school and should have done something more manual like audiology or physiotherapy. For me medication is about being able to keep it together enough to implement solutions to reduce the executive functioning burden – like switching all the bathroom fans to timer so I never have to remember to turn them off. Or realizing it’s okay to have the same breakfast M-F if that reduces my decision fatigue. Or not feeling guilty that I need to edit on paper and then input track changes vs doing it on a screen.

      If the search for the right medication is eating into your executive functioning capacity, maybe direct that to therapy and work on strategies to reduce your executive functioning burden, and then down the road try some different medications again.

   9. Has your team looked into medical comorbidities of ADHD? All Brains Belong in Vermont has a resource on the medical comorbidities that mirrored a lot of what my doctors painstakingly uncovered for me over years. The resource is potentially intimidating since it’s for either ADHD or ASD (which have some genetic overlap when it comes to medical complications), but if there are any hints or clues of something more going on, even allergy symptoms or a vitamin issue or a sleep issue, that could be really worth following up on. My experience was that doctors who aren’t research university specialists aren’t always familiar with ND health issues, though for me an internist who has ADHD himself was my key to getting better support.

      My other question is if the meds have all been targeting dopamine, or if your provider has tried anything that targets norepinephrine or acetylcholine. It’s now known that all three neurotransmitters can be involved in ADHD.

   10. It’s not like you take a pill and become a super woman or something. You won’t start setting the world on fire, just be able to concentrate a bit better.

       1. It’s interesting that it’s described like that. The boy moms I know all describe finding the right ADHD med as being observably night and day and clearly life-changing. Not just a little bit better.

          1. When my partner (male) found the right ADHD meds it was life changing. He became everything I always hoped for and was able to change/remedy pretty much every bad habit.

             1. Have any women on this board (or ones that you know of) had this as a result for them? Maybe it is just a boy/man thing? [This is so disheartening, if so, but it would absolutely not surprise me.]

             2. +1. DH started ADHD meds at 24 and it was life changing. Like 100% difference after the first dose, he changed his life and our life and is a different, better person. Our daughter inherited his ADHD and all the meds we’ve tried are like, “eh, yeah? kinda?”

          2. It can be more life-changing in terms of behavior than in terms of academic performance. Like they are suddenly able to hop right out of the car at drop-off in the morning instead of taking 5 minutes to gather their stuff and fumble with the seat belt and the door handle while people behind you are honking. Like they stop having screaming restraint collapse meltdowns every evening. This applies to girls as well as to boys.

          3. I do know women who get the night and day improvement from ADHD meds. To be fair, they seem very, very ADHD off their meds, so maybe their symptoms are closer to the typical “boy” ADHD symptoms to begin with.

       2. OP, I have a good friend who really struggled with some meds (very bad side effects) but found the one that works for her and it is pretty day/night for how much it helps her. (Of course, it’s a name brand so ensuring she actually gets that vs the generic is a whole other thing). But, 1 anecdote that sometimes the 1 right medication can make a huge difference for women too

   11. Oh Anon I want to give you a hug! I can’t speak to the ADHD side of things, but I pushed myself SO hard in high school and (most of) college trying to Do All the Things and Be the Best and Get Perfect Grades and Be a Leader and and and. I thought that’s what I had to do because I COULD do it, and that’s what all the “successful” people around me were doing.

       All it left me was a burned out, anxious, depressed, and exhausted wreck. I am so, so grateful that I stumbled into the clarity of vision by my senior year of college to know that something had to give because I didn’t want to keep going on the way I was. I declined to do a distinguished major, I did not apply to grad school immediately, and I took a job that was “beneath” what my transcript and extracurricular resume would indicate. Best decisions I ever made. I like my career field, I make enough money to support myself, and it’s rare that I work more than 40 hours a week. I have time and space to enjoy my interests outside of work. And that is COMPLETELY FINE. Not everyone needs to crush it in med school or law school.

       I do also really want to +1 that it’s fine to take a job right now that is within your capacities and will keep a roof over your head, and reevaluate where you want to be in a few years.

   12. I have had a really hard time finding an ADHD medicine that works for me. And “works” is not a night and day difference like some people have mentioned below, but a little bit of help that makes things somewhat easier but still really hard much of the time. I have often wondered if the meds are just better with the hyperactive and impulsive aspects of ADHD, which boys are more likely to have, than the executive function aspects. I know that my problem is not depression, as I’m also treated for that and am currently on a med that makes me feel great from a mood standpoint. It’s super frustrating and I don’t have any great answers for you, but you’re not alone in your experience and how you feel. Have you tried an ADHD coach? I know some people have found that really helpful and if meds aren’t working for you, that might make sense.

   13. a) I saw a tweet yesterday that pointed out that ADHDers think that hyperfocus is how you should be 100% of the time — but in fact that’s going at like 300%. you can’t maintain that every hour of every day. My mind was blown, I definitely consider myself so lazy if I’m not hyperfocused.

       b) ADHD meds have not done a lot for me. Adderol and Ritalin made me feel like my heart was going to explode and didn’t help my focus at all. I’m on Wellbutrin now (an off label use for ADHD) and I feel like it’s fine? I think it’s helping my depression/anxiety more, gives me an extra second before saying or doing something I’ll regret later.

       c) Managing your energy doesn’t mean you have to have a lesser life. I can’t be spontaneous because I never have energy left over. I can’t do activities in the middle of the day (lunch with friends, doctors appointments) because I spend the entire day before and after thinking about the activity. I’m still objectively successful and on my third career right now. I just think the trick is knowing yourself and your limitations and respecting them instead of beating yourself up that you’re not what you perceive “normal” to be.

   14. I want to give you a hug. I am late-diagnosed ADHD, and while my meds haven’t been a magic bullet, they definitely help. My brain feels calmer/less noisy, and I generally (though not always) have more ability to get multiple bigger tasks done and do them well.

       What is your medication regimen right now? For me, an ADHD medication alone wasn’t quite enough, and I also take “off label” Wellbutrin, which has made all the difference. I also notice a difference when I’m sleeping well (and I take trazodone to help with that because I have never slept well), and when I am eating reasonably well and moving my body more.

       I also want to echo other posters who have said it’s ok to not set the world on fire all the time, or ever. I’m a good performer at my job, but I have also chosen a job that allows me some schedule flexibility, which has been immensely helpful.

   15. For me, Adderall did nothing, but Vyvanse is a game changer.

       I was diagnosed in college and took Adderall to no effect. I tried again in my late 30s, getting a diagnosis and also did a clicker test, due to executive function struggles. Vyvanse took effect within a couple days. Vyvanse gets rid of that constant mental chatter and background narrative.

       I’ve also had some depression, but the ADHD far and beyond makes it worse.

6. I have been doing IF for about two months and I find that I am tired, especially in the morning. During those two months, I have also been busier than usual at work, have had my dose of antidepressants adjusted, and have taken on more childcare responsibilities because of my DH’s work schedule. Any of those factors could be contributing to my fatigue, though I tend to find that I am tired in the morning before my first meal.

   Has anyone experienced fatigue while doing 16-8 IF? Does it pass?

   1. Your body can only tolerate so much total stress before getting tired. Fasting is a stressor no matter how you look at it. If you are also in a stressful season for other reasons, now might not be the right time for IF. Or, maybe not for IF with an 8h eating window. Consider 10/14 or 12/12 for a while. And be sure you eat enough when you’re eating!

   2. Why not ease up on the IF and see how that affects the tiredness? You can always go back to it whenever you want.

   3. I did initially but then I realized it was because my eating window was too late. I move it from 12-8 to 10-6 and felt much better. I found I was never able to mindfully eat at breakfast so IF felt natural but the later start was too late. Most of the research supports an early eating window.

      I would have moved it earlier but it is important to our family to have a sit down meal each evening and I don’t do diet talk or weight loss discussion in front of my kids. DH gets them breakfast in the morning while I shower and then I drop off.

      It’s not the right choice for everyone but it works for me. I’m also an evening exerciser. I don’t think my body would like morning workouts on an empty stomach.

      1. My mom also kept her diet books hidden but it didn’t stop me having massive complexes about my body.

         1. Yup. Refusing to eat more than 8 hours of the day will be noticed even if you don’t talk about it.

            1. I mean, it may be noticed, but acting like it’s going to give your kids a complex is crazy. I don’t eat breakfast on weekdays, I never have. I’m not hungry in the mornings. My kids are vaguely aware I don’t eat when they eat, but parents frequently have a different eating schedule than kids and they know it’s because I’m not hungry at 7 am when they eat. They don’t see it as some diet or weight loss thing, which it’s not.

            2. I’m also surprised to hear that some people think it’s a big deal to eat within an 8 hour window. I had to google what 16-8 IF was and am surprised anyone would even consider that a diet, let alone something that’s potentially triggering? I noticed I sleep better if I eat an earlier dinner and I don’t eat breakfast so I guess I’m typically 18-6 . I’ve never considered myself on a diet and don’t think my eating habits are particularly unique or extreme.

         2. I’d have to own diet books to have something to hide. Your reaction says a lot about your own issues.

            You really need therapy if you think prioritizing eating family dinner with tacos, homemade pizza, chili, roast chicken etc with my kids 5 nights a week and baking cookies with them every weekend is so awful.

            Pretty sure I’ll stick to ignoring the random internet lady with mommy issues and follow the example of my grandmother who was an enthusiastic baker and cook who managed type 2 without insulin for 20 years while playing bridge and swimming weekly well into her 80s. She was doing IF and having great success with her blood sugars in the 1990s before IF was even a thing.

            1. Ok have fun with that. Y’all doing IF sure are mean, do you maybe need a snack?

            2. That’s an overreaction. Anon at 9:50 am was pointing out that you don’t have to talk directly about diets for kids to pick up on what is going on; they are perceptive and they can tell from your actions how you feel about your body.

            3. What actions are they picking up on? Literally what are they seeing? That I cook and eat with them every single day? That we eat family meals? I’m curious how you think they know I eat breakfast at my office at 10am and not 8:30am when I’ve never referenced a time? They see me pack my lunch and breakfast when I pack their lunches in the evening.

               Stop projecting whatever weird food issues your parents gave you onto others.

            4. WOW was that nasty, and also utterly dismissive of the many women here who have been damaged by their mother’s food issues and are working hard to avoid passing them down. I thought this was a community of nicer people.

            5. I would be happy if I thought my kids were going to pick up on healthy and sustainable eating patterns that may work for them as adults someday! Most adults should not eat the same way they did when they were kids (e.g. lots of snacks), and kids need models of what healthy adult eating looks like since they’ll be adults someday too.

            6. Anonymous at 11:01 am, please consider why you are lashing out in response to very reasonable statements.

               Enough of your attacks.

            7. You’re sure defensive for someone who has nothing to hide.

      2. Thanks for this though

         When my husband did IF pretty successfully, he also dropped out of family meals and dropped off my lunch schedule. These things have effects

      3. Internet lady with mommy issues here. I don’t know you or what you do or how you interact with your kids. I’m not even convinced that IF is such a terrible fad as some posters here think. So you do you, honestly.
         I was commenting on your statement that you don’t do diet talk or weight loss discussion in front of your kids. Kids pick up on a lot even when it’s not talked about.

         1. I don’t think IF has to be a “diet and weight loss discussion” though. It can be as simple as listening to your body and not eating when you’re not hungry. I’m not the 11:01 poster but I do IF (flexible on weekends and vacations though) and my kids don’t see it as a weight loss thing nor do we have any kind of “discussions” about it. They’re aware I don’t eat exactly when they eat, but few parents do – in fact, many parents don’t eat dinner with their kids, which seems way more damaging to me than whether or not you eat breakfast alone while they’re at school. For me the only thing that’s hard about IF is refraining from late night snacking, which kids wouldn’t see anyway because they’re in bed.

   4. Of course you’re tired if you aren’t eating. I don’t do IF but cannot do anything until I eat breakfast, and am useless if I skip meals or snacks later in the day. Your body needs fuel in order to function.

   5. Girl what? You’re tired all the time on your new dumb fad diet. So quit. Eat breakfast. Get some energy. Use a smidge of common sense.

      1. Seriously. You’re tired because you’re not giving your body the energy it needs!

      2. Blunt, but yes, this. If a lifestyle change is draining your energy and making you feel terrible, really question whether it’s right for you. If you really want to keep doing this, maybe aim for a more moderate approach.

      3. Oh please. It’s not the Whole 30 or some eat grapefruit 2 meals a day plan. IF is not for everyone but it’s not a ‘dumb fad’.

         1. Agreed.

         2. She’s literally tired all the time. Eat a yogurt for crying out loud. Have an egg.

            1. Is this reply threading incorrectly? The comment clearly says that IF is not for everyone. Maybe it’s not for OP but whether or not it’s the right fit for OP and whether or not it’s a ‘dumb fad’ are two separate things.

      4. OP here. IF was recommended by my rheumatologist and my endrocrinologist as a way of controlling my auto-immune condition (or, more accurately, a secondary condition that I have now developed).

         I am going to assume you meant well with your comment, but maybe ask about why people are doing things before calling their medical protocols “dumb fads” and telling them to use common sense.

         1. Yeah, but not every treatment works for every patient. You tried it, it’s not working, time to adjust or try something else.

         2. IF is certainly a fad, even though some people may have medical reasons for doing it. The vast majority of people do not.

         3. If you want us to comment based on every fact of your life, you need to share them. If you’re tired in the morning eat some breakfast.

         4. Autoimmune conditions often cause fatigue. Seems like IF isn’t working for you.

         5. What evidence is in the literature that IF is helpful in controlling your specific condition? Or are they extrapolating from studies that show weight loss is helpful for your condition + studies that show IF results in weight loss? Or are they doing what doctors frequently do, which is to blame the patient for her condition and to practice on the basis of folklore with little or no evidentiary basis (formally known as “the standard of care”)?

            1. It could be the research on insulin or the research on autophagy. Or it could be the pile of research on how eating is itself inflammatory; it can really help with quality of life not to be experiencing that all throughout the day when it’s pouring gas on a fire!

               I’m not aware of weight loss as helpful for any autoimmune condition unless it’s like, joints hurt less if they’re carrying less weight. There probably are some I don’t know about though.

   6. Your age can have an impact on it too. At 42 IF was great for me, I lost weight easily and felt great. Tried the same thing at 45 and a totally different story. I was lethargic and hungry and after about 5 weeks had only lost 3 pounds, and was quite bloated. Turned out it no longer worked for me so I looked elsewhere for results.

      If it’s not working for you after a few weeks then try something else.Not everything works for everyone

      1. I’m curious what you ended up doing instead. I’m 42, and the stuff that used to work, no longer works.

         1. I’m still trying to keep my food intake controlled but realistic (which includes some chocolate daily) and I only drink a limited amount of alcohol and at weekends only. I try to eat dinner a bit earlier so I’m naturally fasting 8pm to 9am, but nothing too extreme. And I’ve swapped from HIIT to LISS.

            What I’ve found working recently is 45 minutes on the treadmill at 6km/h, 3 times a week. I now seem to get cortisol triggered bloating, so fasting and running are now out. A fast walk on the treadmill works better these days. Added advantage is that I can read kindle books on my phone at the same time. I’m now adding in a weighted vest which allows me to up the ante but still control my heartrate (which seems to be the key thing for me).

            it was frustrating when tried and tested things stopped working, but everything else changes in your 40s (skin, hair, taste in men) so why would diet and exercise stay the same.

         2. I bought larger clothes

         3. I’m in my 50s and have an autoimmune disease. I have done low carb, South Beach, Whole 30, Weight Watchers, you name it. Losing weight is the easy part. Keeping it off is another. It always comes back and brings a few new friends to the party. Statistics back this up too. Diets don’t work.

            I’m now working with my doctors on very slow weight loss. My rheumatologist recommended losing a pound or two a month. That’s not very satisfying, but research says that’s what is likely to stick.

            I’ve been basically counting calories since fall 2022 and have lost 10% of my body weight, which was an initial goalpost. I’m continuing to do so. I plateaued around the 10% for a good long number of months, then got motivated and now the needle is starting to move again. Slowly.

            The quick fix stuff doesn’t last. I’m a living example of that. It’s unfortunately true.

            1. I have long believed that a pound or two a month is the optimal rate, mostly based on the fact that it’s about 100-200 calories a day. That’s adding in an extra mile walk to your daily exercise. It won’t trigger feelings of hunger or deprivation, which is what causes your body to course-correct and store more energy.

   7. Try just eating 3 meals. Usually this can be done within 10 hours so still fasting a lot of the day. I eat breakfast 830ish, lunch 12-1 and dinner by 6. I don’t snack outside of 3 meals. Letting your stomach rest between meals and your blood glucose levels return to baseline is great for health. Also, not snacking naturally reduces mindless eating and calorie intake.

7. I posted yesterday about being laid off and how to handle my last week. Everyone at my company is remote and my boss is in a different state so there’s no one I can say goodbye to in person.

   And they’ve slowly started revoking my access to everything. I can’t use Outlook or Teams from my phone, which I understand. But then today I’m not even able to connect to internet from my work laptop. I’ve had to use my personal laptop for email.

   I’m supposed to have a knowledge transfer meeting today with my remaining team members, but that’s going to be limited since I can’t access much from the company network.

   I had a meeting with my boss yesterday to go over some admin stuff for the rest of the week. All that was fine until he asked me how I was doing. That caught me off guard and I started to tear up. I stayed muted until I could compose myself and managed to choke out an “I’m doing okay” and left it at that.

   He was probably following list/script from HR on what to ask so the company reiterates that EAP services are available. But I really don’t want to tell my boss how I’m really feeling. It’s a range of emotions from sadness to anger. I’m just going to do hold it together and be polite an professional for the rest of the week.

   Thanks to everyone for the advice yesterday. I started working on documenting projects, accomplishments, etc. in preparation for updating my resume.

   1. I am so sorry, this sucks. Curious though – how can they expect you to wrap up your projects/do a knowledge transfer without internet access on your work laptop? Do they actually want you using your personal laptop for company work? (at my job this is a BIG NO). The reason I ask is, because this sounds shady. Are you sure they aren’t trying to sc**w you over in some way? Sending you best wishes. Know that at some point in the future this will be behind you and you will be in better spot but for now, take the time you need to grieve/wallow/be angry/be sad.

      1. Thank you for the kind words! I messaged my boss and he just acknowledged that it was frustrating, but didn’t say much more. There were hundreds of people laid off this week so I don’t think there is anything specifically directed at me. I had a planned day off on Friday, so my final exit interview is Thursday. I think I’ll feel a little better mentally once I’m officially done.

         1. I wouldn’t knock myself out on the knowledge transfer since they’re revoking access. That’s their problem. Enjoy the rest of your week and turn off the computer.

         2. M0d for verboten word

            I wouldn’t knock myself out on the knowledge xfer since they’re revoking access. That’s their problem. Enjoy the rest of your week and turn off the computer.

   2. I think this is one of those situations where an unelaborated “I’m fine” is, in fact, fine. Even if you are clearly not fine and pretty much daring them to go there.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s awful.

      1. Thank you! What you said about “daring them to go there” is exactly how I feel. Just don’t even bother asking how I feel. It’s a ridiculous question at this point.

         1. Yes, this is going to be really, really hard, and you just need to expect to go through all the emotions about it, even when you’re doing the practical work of resetting your life. You didn’t ask for or plan this kind of life transition, 20 years is a Loooooong time. I was laid off after 10 years, and I was just plain angry most of the time. And I’m not generally an angry person. I felt sad, rejected, shamed, angry, defiant, sad . . . you name it. In some ways, it’s akin to a death or divorce (obviously not the same, but still major). You’ve invested yourself nearly every day for 20 years, and it’s over. Suddenly and without your consent.

   3. I’ll be thinking of you this week! You are now in a position where what you can do is limited, and it’s really disrespectful. You were there for 20 years! To be kind, your boss may be well meaning but clueless. What a stupid question, how does he think you feel?

      One suggestion from me is to plan to have something to do Friday afternoon and Saturday. It can be small — my last day of work, I got coffee in the morning, did whatever, and planned for a glass of wine and to watch Grey’s Anatomy in the afternoon. I actually rewatched all seasons while I was laid off, which is probably contrary to what most people would advise. But, it was comforting to me and gave me a sense of workplace interactions that I was missing.

      For some people, it’s helpful to go 100% into looking for a new job, for other people, they need to take some time. Either works, but do give yourself a break.

      1. Great advice! OP congrats on making it to 20 years. That is a big accomplishment and I hope you can do something to celebrate that. You made it through many tough times at work, I am sure, and even if you didn’t survive the layoffs, you still accomplished a great deal. Hope you can have a glass of wine or treat to give yourself a pat on the back. I am rooting for you.

   4. Being cut off from everything is your cue to stop working and stop caring. Ride out the clock and focus on other things. You can’t access email on your work laptop, so stop checking on your personal one.

      1. Right? It’s bad enough that they expect you to make sure everything goes smoothly after they kick you to the curb.

         Focus on what you need to do to land your next position. Trying to access email that they cut you off from seems… unwise. If this means that things get a little tangled and slower after you leave, well, it wasn’t your choice to leave, after all.

      2. Exactly.

      3. + a million. You are done.

      4. Agree with this. They have made the calculus that uniformly cutting laid off employees access off is more important (probbaly from a security/trade secrets) perspective than people being able to do an effective knowledge transfer. That’s not irrational, and it’s truly not about you or targeted at you. Convey what you can orally but there isn’t really more you can do and I wouldn’t be using your personal devices for work. I’m so sorry – it’s a terribly disrespectful and undignified process.

   5. That unexpected “how are you” sets off tears for me, too! I hate it.
      If they’re cutting off your internet and access three days early, I’d be super tempted to bring in a book tomorrow.

   6. Don’t access your email on your personal laptop. They’ve cut off your access – that means you stop using it. As others have mentioned, just ride out the clock. Thinking of you.

      1. +1 do not help them if they are cutting you off at the knees. I would never use my personal tech for work for a variety of reasons and especially not if I was getting laid off.

   7. It sounds like you are in denial. Stop already with the knowledge transfer BS. Who cares. They don’t, they care about not having to pay you anymore. You are done. They are literally cutting you off.

      Get recommendations, line up appointments with head hunters, update your linkedin and resume, get your personal files and any examples on a thumb drive while you still can. Make good use of the professional copier there is applicable. Focus on you. Move on.

      1. OP, I get it. If you’ve been there for 20 years, you’ve been a faithful employee. It’s really hard to abruptly stop caring about stuff that you care about, and to stop caring how it affects your coworkers. To the extent you can, focus on what’s good about it. When I was laid off, there was some real relief in never having to deal with ____ again, or not having to answer that email I didn’t want to deal with, or “now ____ is someone else’s problem. Good riddance!”

8. Do you have people you’ve looked up to professionally who are in an entirely different profession than you – one you aren’t going to enter? So say you’re a lawyer and you find a certain dr or engineer inspiring? Doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to become a dr or engineer, nor are you always able to understand their accomplishments – but do you take away something from those in other fields? Like how they practice? How much they like or dislike jobs etc?

   1. Danica McKellar, but for her loving promotion of math. Ditto John Urquel (that spelling looks wrong).

      I stopped at calculus but love it and everything below it. Not gonna go back for more math but I can run a spreadsheet and explain it and really enjoy it as a way of analyzing things.

      1. As a woman in mathematics, I love that you said this. You made my day. It’s the opposite of what I often hear from women about math!!!

   2. I was moved to tears the first time I saw a female orchestra conductor, Gemma New. She’s awesome.

      1. I am not a conductor or a pastor, but there are some conductors and a pastor with whom I’ve worked who leave me in awe every time I watch them in action. Whenever I’m around them I find myself analyzing everything they do and how they do it, trying to pull out leadership and management lessons I can apply in my own career.

   3. I really admire my recently-retired dentist. I am a lawyer but took away a lot from how she managed her office, treated her staff, serviced patients, adopted new tech and methods up to her retirement at 70, and balanced her life with her dedication to her profession.

   4. I was late responding to an email from a physician client. She sent me a text asking if I was OK because it was so unlike me not to respond to her immediately. I apologized and explained that I had been pulled away by a couple of urgent projects (true). She said she understood perfectly but could not turn off her caregiving side and wanted to check on me. I suppose she could have been lying and this was just a nice or passive-aggressive way of chiding me for not responding right away, but it felt genuine. I really want to make people feel cared for in the way that this doctor does. I will start by answering emails faster . .

   5. My mom! She’s a teacher. She’s been at it for 30+ years and her deep love of her subject continues to inform how she shows up for her students. I love that about her, and I think she’s really mastered the art of keeping that love fresh by having new experiences with the subject matter.

      Also Deb Perelman from Smitten Kitchen, now that I say that about keeping the love fresh. Deb wrote somewhere that she takes the weekends off from cooking so she can protect her love of it, which I think is a great view to have of something that is both a hobby and her job. Although I suppose this is cheating, since I would love to enter Deb’s profession and be the next Smitten Kitchen.

      1. Would you mind explaining more about how your mom “really mastered the art of keeping that love fresh by having new experiences with the subject matter”? Didn’t quite following the “new experiences” part of it, but the way you’ve put it is inspirational & would love to incorporate into my own life.

   6. In high school I was a page for my state’s senate. I became friends with the leader of the senate at that time. She was the first female in that state’s history elected into that role. She passed away a couple of years after that session.
      15+ years later, I have no interest in becoming a politician. I do not even vote the same political party she represented. But amount of respect she showed for her constituents, the way she carried herself, and they way she earned respect from her colleagues on both sides of the aisle inspires me.

   7. It’s so long ago, early 90s, but when I was an entry level employee in a technical / nerd role, this senior exec named Jeannie used to occasionally visit the home office. She was a people person, basically a relationship manager, and she was highly valued because a lot of very large clients would probably have walked out the door if she had left.

      I had a series of overtly sexist male bosses and grandbosses at that place, but watching Jeannie handle all of them seemingly effortlessly really inspired me.

      She was one of the most elegant, assured women I’ve ever worked alongside. She was a tall, large woman, impeccably dressed, who oozed charm but was also clearly whip smart.

   8. My recently retired cardiologist. Top of his game professionally so you could totally trust him. Kept learning constantly, acknowledged what he didn’t know, and on top of that just how he treated people – so kind and humble with everyone whether patients or staff, yet decisive and able to tell you what you needed to do. When he retired at 76, he didn’t seem much older than when I met him at 51 and a large part of that was keeping himself going – working the long hours but also taking care of his own health, working out, hiking, rock climbing until 76. I very much model my life after him and to be honest he’s given me A LOT to think about regarding career. I want to love what I do like he did. I made my money in law but never felt like I loved it or even liked it and am now pivoting to something where I hope to have what he had in terms of really enjoying my career.

9. I have a $100 gift card to Lululemon and haven’t gotten excited about anything I’ve seen. I’ve also never owned anything from there. I need petite or short sizes in pants and prefer petite tops as well but can get away with regular. Avid runner and exercise enthusiast. I could use a pair of thick winter running tights but they don’t have anything in my size in stock online. Anything worth trying?

   1. What about a yoga mat? I heard pretty good things about their mats.

      1. I have an XL yoga mat from Lulu and I love it like toddlers love their teddy bears.

   2. I really like a lot of their accessories – all of my casual purses are from there (the belt bag and others), their no-show socks are good and stay in place really well, their caps are great and for me well-designed to accommodate hairstyles.

      1. Yes – the ubiquitous belt bag is great for travel.

   3. Can you visit a store? I have a love/hate relationship with Lululemon, but I almost always find something I like in store. Their salespeople are actually really helpful and not pushy. I have some thick leggings I like that I bought on sale a couple of years ago, and some of their shirts have really held up well recently. I also wear their Speed Up shorts all summer. I buy the 4” length so I don’t feel like a teenager. They’re comfy and I can lift or run in them. Caveats: I’m short (5’3”) and their vanity sizing is ridiculous.

   4. I am not super familiar with thebrand’s.offerings but I did buy some workout tees on sale and they are very good quality, super soft, and seamless. I actually don’t like how they look on me (I think a size too big) but they are my go-tos because of how comfortable they are.

   5. As an admitted Luluemon girlie, here’s a grab bag of recs… +1 the sugggestions for a yoga mat and accessories like bags, backpacks, and socks. They have great sports bras. Their leggings are listed based on inseam, so they’d be petite-friendly if you mind the sizing. The crop scuba hoodies are having a moment if you want something trendy.

   6. My tween daughter is 4’11” and can wear their shorts, just FYI!

   7. They do free hemming (shirts and pants) in store, in case you like something but aren’t sure about the sizing. My personal favorite is the Align leggings. They really are significantly better than cheaper imitations.

   8. If you’re a runner, you might like some of their shorts. Otherwise, I have great running gloves and a headband from there, but they might be out of season at this time of year. They also have thin long sleeve shirts that I often wear as a base layer if I am exercising outside in cooler weather.

      FWIW, I find that Lulu leggings slide down on me for running, but work fine for barre or other low impact classes. (I am tall and thin if it makes any difference.)

   9. I absolutely love their trouser like pants for travel and casual work days. The fabric is unbeatable and so vastly superior to anything from Athleta that it always shocks me how much the latter is recommended here. I have 20 year Lululemon that looks brand new. None of it is super exciting but the trousers I have are worn over and over and over again as basics. I don’t love pants and don’t look good in many of them. I just bought the Stretch Woven High-Rise Wide-Leg Cropped Pant for running weekend errands and love them. I have a pair of the Utilitech Relaxed Mid-Rise Trouser 7/8 Length arriving tomorrow. I believe this one is the closest to the old pair of 7/8ths that are the single hardworking piece of clothing in my closet (but not made anymore).

      1. OH! Just realized the ones I have are still available only under the “We made Too Much” category. Tapered-Leg Mid-Rise Pant 7/8 Length.

   10. As a fellow runner I cannot recommend lulu enough. Their running shorts are great. In my current rotation, I have a pair that is still going strong 10 years later. Their Run Swiftly line of tops are equally excellent and very resilient. I prefer the short sleeve in regular length but they come in all shapes and sizes. Second the poster who mentioned their running accessories; the gloves and headbands are really good. Also love align leggings and just got two new pairs yesterday.

   11. I’m short too and I get their leggings that are meant to go just past the knee/toward the ankle on normal people and they fit perfect as pants on me. Let me see if I can find them.

       1. Found them – get a 25 legging like this

          https://shop.lululemon.com/p/womens-leggings/Align-Pant-2/_/prod2020012

10. With the help of you folks I’ve started a new job after a long time at the same gig. My new job is at a small office where the manager is extremely hands off and the other attorneys seem to keep to themselves. I have a skill that I’ve gleaned from conversations with colleagues that the other attorneys don’t have or use. I’d really like to move up here as I understand I’m a pay band below the other attorneys. However, if I am too vocal about this skill I fear it will become an expectation of everyone, create work and possibly make enemies of my colleagues. Is there any wisdom from the hive on this? Thanks!

    1. are you in house? I don’t understand the concern. The concept that people in the legal department all have different SME areas and skills is typical – it’s not a bunch of solo practitioners working in the same place.

       1. Its staff counsel. We’re essentially handling identical caseloads and appear on each other’s cases.

    2. I’m sorry but no. I’m not
       Playing along with some sort of legal
       Skill that might make you enemies

    3. I am not following, you’re going to have to be less anonymous to get real advice.

       But fundamentally the way you use a unique skill/area of expertise to move always involves creating an expectation, and more work (nb not necessarily more hours)! I’m confused about how you’re imagining leveraging this, but without reliably letting people know you can do it/making it a thing your workplace can rely on you to do or otherwise be the expert in? You won’t get paid more for /having/ a skill; you get paid more for /using/ a skill to achieve the company’s priorities

    4. Sounds like an inflated view of self importance that you think a “skill” you gleaned from conversations is going to threaten your coworkers. Settle down. You just got there.

       1. I don’t think they’re saying they picked up the skill from conversations; rather that they’ve picked up that no one else is an expert in XYZ and that there’s a need for XYZ expertise

    5. You will need to be more specific about the particular skill, otherwise this makes no sense.

    6. What skill is this–like making PowerPoints for trial or something where people will ask you to do it on their cases?

11. When online dating, have you ever matched with someone you know? I recently matched with someone I know through mutual friends and haven’t seen in years. We’ve been chatting and making plans to meet up. I always thought there could have been interest, maybe? But I’m not even sure if it would be a date or not! Anyway, I am curious to hear stories!

    1. Ooooh, I think this has real potential! Report back, OP!

    2. A guy I know kept matching with his ex-wife, presumably because they were the same age, both had kids, were single, and lived in a relatively small suburb.

       1. Seeing someone you know isn’t the same as matching with them.

       2. That’s pretty funny but the algorithm was good – clearly at one point they were compatible!

       3. This seems like a rom-com plot!

    3. My husband and I knew a lot of the same people in our networks but we’d never met each other. It ended up being fantastic as it took the stranger danger out of the online dating equation as I could verify him independently. I’m being a little glib, but it was great. Have fun!

    4. My good girlfriend did, and they got married w/in 2 years (mid 30s fwiw). She says that the mutual, friend-of-friend, long-dated connection allowed for a quicker vetting process on her end as far as determining if he was looking seriously or what. She also said early on in their dating that she trusted him and what he was telling her more than the average rando (she’d been burned many times prior…) because she suspected he’d be less likely to be shady given mutual connections. That may or may not be true for all, but from the outside observing in, I feel like she went in with a bit more of an “assume good intentions” perspective than with others.

       Just one bit of anecdata, but I definitely wouldn’t rule it out!

       1. Completely agree. You know whether his friends are kind people, you have a rough idea of his background and lifestyle, and he knows you can fact check so you’re less skeptical that he’s misrepresenting himself. You can focus on romantic compatibility instead of gauging whether this stranger is someone you’d normally want in your life. *Spoken as someone in a serious relationship with an old acquaintance I bumped into.

    5. My spouse and I matched after having met at a professional conference. At the conference, we discovered we had mutual friends (not close friends – think grad school classmates). Honestly, it was great. He had already met me, so I knew he was physically attracted to me (no surprise when we saw each other) and vice versa. I also already knew I thought he was a nice, normal guy. I did reach out to one of our mutuals, and they assured me he was a good guy and gave things a big thumbs up. I don’t know if he would have swiped right if we hadn’t already met. I already had a kid, and he wasn’t looking to date women with children. He swears he was interested at the conference, but assumed I was married or partnered.

       So, I give it a 10/10. Highly recommend.

    6. My mother got matched with my father’s brother (after my mother and father were divorced) like…two months after my aunt died. But hopefully your situation isn’t that messy!

    7. When Hinge first got popular, it matched you with friends of your FB friends (therefore, the Hinge concept). I was in an MBA program that skewed male and I swear almost every match was a classmate.

       1. Yes when hinge was new I used to get texts from
          Friends asking about matches. I believe it even showed who your mutual friends were.

    8. This happened to me once. There weren’t any sparks, but we had a nice time catching up and hung out as friends a few more times before he moved away. (And in a funny coincidence, I ended up moving to that same city several years later, and about 10 years after our reconnection date, we ended up living in the same building with our respective spouses and children who were born just a few months apart. We hit it off as couple friends and had regular playdates until we moved again.)

    9. When my brother and I lived in the same city the app suggested him!! I swiped left, lol.

       1. Yes once my cousin announced at thr table at Thanksgiving dinner my profile had popped up on his Hinge. Which then meant we had to spend the rest of dinner explaining dating apps to our elderly family members.

          1. ….. better than politics?

          2. Hey, with a cousin, at least at lot of stuff is out of the way. You know their family, their interests, back ground… and if you don’t plan to have kids, why not?!

    10. When I started online dating after my divorce (2007) I matched on eHarmony with a guy I dated briefly in college. We had parted amicably and were still friends so we had a good laugh about it.

    11. I see people I know on the apps all the time but I very rarely swipe on anyone I know. The guys range from actual good friends to friends of friends to relatives (lol) to random guys from high school I haven’t seen in over a decade.

        A former roommate of mine used to pop up all the time (both when we lived together and after we both moved out of our five person house). Hinge would always tell me he was “most compatible” which cracked me up because we were great roommates and very compatible in that way. I’ve actually correctly guessed when he starts seeing someone and when it ends based on whether or not Hinge suggests him. Sometimes I know about a relationship before his friends do!

        It’s funny for people I meet naturally, almost all of my long term hookups or guys I’ve dated have been either friends or friends if friends. I think I subconsciously like the security of already knowing them and knowing they’re “vetted”.

        I’m strangely afraid of romantic vulnerability and so rarely swipe first on someone I know on an app. It’s silly but I don’t like putting myself out there as potentially interested not knowing how they’ll respond.

    12. Sort of. It was a long time ago. But I had an enjoyable date with a man who was clearly gay. He kept saying it was important to his mother than he go on dates. With women, he said. We got together one more time so I could give him some ideas for decorating his apartment. We were clearly not a love match.

        Then I kept getting new matches from a new profile, and after some back and forth he’d admit it was him. He kept creating new profiles. I was perfectly happy to be friends with him and not date on him, but the catfishing was weird and I ended up blocking him on everything. I’m sure his mother was very disappointed.

    13. A friend matched with someone who is almost, but not quite, in her friend circle. They had not met, but there is significant overlap between their friend groups going back to middle school (they are in their mid-20s). It allowed them to skip chunks of the normal vetting process, and I will not be surprised if they are engaged before the end of the year. It was her first time on Hinge.

12. Is anyone following this case at SCOTUS and can either provide a brief rundown of potential big pic consequences if DOJ loses or a good source to read about it? I’ve read news coverage about it and the one thing that’s not clear to me is this: could this decision apply to more than just a pregnant women who comes in for emergency care? In other words, could this potentially be used as a gateway to deny care in other situations where the state passes a law that restricts access to some other class of people. I’m very pro choice, but trying to comprehend the full ramifications of what is at stake.

    1. Yes, I believe those ramifications do exist, but I also believe that pregnant women will continue to be the target. The GOP has made it clear that they are the target for decades now.

       The prospect of the emergency law not being law of the land is incredibly chilling. Women with septic abortions and hemorrhage are already being forced to transfer out of state, sometimes via helicopter (not easy to do in the winter or in rural areas). Women are dying.

    2. Isn’t denying care to pregnant women bad enough?

       1. Yeah, I’m sure OP didn’t mean it that way, but it does remind me of when Roe was overturned and a lot of people’s first reaction was “oh no, this could be used to restrict same-sex marriage!”

       2. OP here – For me, yes it is. I added that line about being pro choice at the end specifically for that reason. But there are some people in my circle who are not and when discussing it with them I want to be able to articulate a point that may stick more (and yes, they are shitty people in that denying care to pregnant women isn’t enough for them).

          1. Oh I don’t play that game. You hate women, you’re not in my circle. I’m not coming up with reasons why this also might harm men to convince you that I deserve to live.

    3. Yes, it theoretically could be used to restrict care in other circumstances. Read up on the statute in question, EMTALA. It was enacted in the 1980s, primarily to address the issue of uninsured patients being turned away from hospitals when they had life-threatening conditions. I think if Idaho wins in SCOTUS, it could set a precedent that states can decide to carve out exceptions for certain conditions. It would depend on the exact basis for the decision, and probably require additional litigation, but a decision in favor of Idaho would lay the groundwork for states to create further carve-outs.

    4. Sotomayor asked about just that; can states set a lower standard of care for any emergency service, like diabetes care.

13. My father has been riding the Fox News/Trump train for a long time, and I don’t share his politics. He has a mean streak so I don’t engage on it, just try to ignore his inflammatory comments because I know I can’t win the fight. He’s not Jewish, but I am (mostly raised by my Jewish mother).

    The antisemitism around the Israel/Gaza war has been hard for me emotionally, since I feel abandoned and even attacked sometimes by people and groups that I consider(ed) myself part of, and scared about the underlying sentiment toward Jews in this country. I’m trying to grapple with all that in my own life, as I’m sure many are.

    But the main point of this post is that my father has started sending me barbs on this topic, every time he sees an article about people at protests attacking/calling for death of Jews etc…articles that are obviously written in super inflammatory style because they are from the rightwing propaganda machine. “What’s happened to the university you attended/NYC (where I live)/etc”, in this almost triumphant tone. (May not surprise you that he didn’t love NYC/academia previously, either)

    I’m having a hard time deciding how to respond and would welcome any suggestions. I usually don’t engage but it feels so unfair and mean that he is using this thing that is really painful to me to score cheap rightwing points. It doesn’t really surprise me that he’s not considering my feelings as a person or as a Jewish person (welcome to my entire life).

    And weirdly, this is probably one of the first times in my whole life that we are actually both on the same page that the underlying events are distressing. But I don’t really want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that, either!

    1. Block him. “Dad idk why you’re deliberately being mean but I’m not reading any of these.”

       1. Please don’t take advice to “block” your father from an internet stranger who has read about one very particular aspect of your relationship with your father. I know relationships with parents are complex and often uncomfortable, and yours seems to be, but simply cutting off communication is an extreme response, even if increasing in.popularity. It may be that you need to do this, but don’t do it because some random poster here gave you permission. People need to stop giving this advice on the internet. It is toxic. Situations for it.exist, but you will never know that from a single comment like this one.

          1. Yikes.

          2. Woof. As someone who blocked my rightwing conspiracist father, OP, block your father if you want to. In retrospect, I wish I’d cut contact before it got to the point where it involved lawyers.

             But OP, if it’s helpful as a data point, I did manage to keep our relationship on life support through the second Obama term (which is when he took a real pivot into conspiracy theory territory) and two years of Trump by setting some clear boundaries. Dad sends article or email about rightwing nonsense: I ignore it. Dad tries to talk to me on the phone about it: one warning (“you know talking about politics just makes us both mad so let’s enjoy our conversation instead. how is [topic change] going?”) and then hang up. Dad tries to talk to me in person about it: one warning and then I’d leave to “run an errand” or “take the dog out” or once, memorably, to pack up my dog, fiancé, and suitcases and drive home from a weekend visit at 9:45pm.

             It worked for a certain value of working, until the wheels completely fell off. OP, basically…I’m sorry this is happening. It’s unfair that your father is using your distress to hurt you further, instead of responding with caring and support. It’s up to you to decide whether you value the relationship enough to try setting some hard boundaries, or whether it’s time to pull the plug.

             1. Thanks, Emeralds, I feel like you exactly understand the situation and I appreciate your comment

          3. I don’t understand where this PSA is coming from. I find it strange to call this advice “toxic” when given in the context of harmful and hostile – maybe even toxic? – behavior from a parent! Parents can learn that their adult children aren’t going to stand for the kind of bullying and trolling they may have been forced to put up with as children. And nobody completely cuts off a parent just because somebody on the internet said to. But many people do need to work on setting and enforcing boundaries about how they’re going to be treated as adults. The parent has the option of respecting the boundary and knocking it off with the bullying.

    2. Oh man, I could’ve written this about a particular uncle I had, although so much worse when it’s your father. No advice but I’m so sorry.

    3. Eat your pride and admit the wrongness of what is going on. It isn’t a “cheap right wing talking point” spouted by people who read the”right wing propaganda machine.”

       Just listen to yourself!! You’re trying to somehow make it your conservative father’s fault that progressives are calling for death to Jews.

       1. This is a rude comment and borderline doesn’t make sense. I’m not blaming my father that progressives are calling for death to Jews. I’m blaming progressives for that (as someone who would have identified as a progressive until recently).

          What I’m blaming my father for is acting without regard to my feelings after a long history of doing that. It would be quite different if he was like “wow, look at this horrible article I read, are you feeling safe/okay in NYC?” instead of “ha, my feelings that Democrats are evil have been confirmed!”

          I’m assuming you are hurting on this topic as I am too, but please don’t be unkind.

          1. “And weirdly, this is probably one of the first times in my whole life that we are actually both on the same page that the underlying events are distressing. But I don’t really want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that, either!”

             You’re a piece of work. It’s about not giving your father the satisfaction, in your own literal words.

             1. +1

             2. Just stop being a dck, please.

             3. Uh, thank you, quotey troll, for resharing that sentence from my post! Yes, confirmed, I don’t want to give my father the satisfaction of telling him I agree with him politically, given that he’s been a political bully to me my whole life (and FWIW has never been supportive of Jews/Israel until now when it happens to dovetail with the rest of his politics).

                I still fail to see how that means I’m blaming him for progressive/protestors’ actions, but I am assuming that (much like my father lol) it’s not easy to convince you of things when you’ve decided something, so I’m not going to bother.

                In fact, I’m going to stop reading this thread now as I don’t want to read whatever rude remark you you will likely respond with, and I’ve gotten a lot of helpful advice from others already. Thanks to everyone who’s responded kindly!

       2. I agree and that was my reaction to this comment too, it’s not coming from the right, the caller is inside the house.

          1. What does this even mean?

       3. I think it’s awfully convenient for conservatives and conservative news outlets who are otherwise quite comfortable supporting racist policies and politicians to suddenly clutch their pearls about racism when it’s coming from students at institutions that are largely liberal. They aren’t interested in having constructive discussion about racism; they want to gloat. OP’s dad doesn’t seem to be interested in constructive conversations, he’s rubbing it in.

          1. Exactly my sentiments

          2. 100%

    4. Can you ignore it? If it’s email, set up a filter in your email to send his emails to a folder that you check once a week. If it’s texts just hide alerts and only look every few days. Don’t click through links.
       I know that’s not a satisfying resolution, but literally nothing will be with someone with whom you share no ideological common ground. I’m assuming you’ve already tried the obvious of saying you aren’t interested in this type of news.

    5. I’m sorry, that sounds tough. My mom does stuff like that sometimes and I casually brush it off. “Yeah it’s crazy there are nutty people out there! How is aunt Sally?”. In person I have better, more nuanced conversations, but when it’s online and just refuse to engage.

    6. You can try to remind him that this is a sensitive area for you and to please not send these types of articles. And then just delete them when they come. Just because he sends, that doesn’t mean you have to look/read/respond. Protect yourself and your relationship with your father by ignoring what you can. I know a lot of people on this board jump to drastic conclusions (blocking, going no contact, etc.) and that can be an option if he won’t let you ignore. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    7. There is another way to understand his behavior. He’s delighted you two have an issue you agree on and so he’s sending you articles about it. The articles he’s sending are from fringe websites because that’s what he reads. I don’t he’s thinking of how you might react to them on an emotional level. I think your policy of not engaging is the right one because it sets the boundary that you don’t want to discuss politics with him. Don’t feel obliged to read the articles either!

       1. There’s a chance you’re right (I don’t think so but I may be reacting too strongly given the history) and I will consider that! Thanks

    8. Don’t read then, don’t respond. Don’t give him a reaction.

    9. Grey rock. “The increase in antisemitism is upsetting for sure.” Every single time he sends you something.

       1. Love this one, thanks, I think I will use it

    10. It can feel counterintuitive, but you can really take the wind out of this type by agreeing with them where you can…if you feel like you comfortably can.

        (Speaking from years of experience here – I managed to walk my mom back from the edge, but my aunt and uncles are full Biden-is-a-robot-and-the-real-one-is-kept-in-an-underground-bunker.)

        Part of the right wing narrative is that libs are all extremist with nonsense views and don’t value anything conventional/traditional. So, shock them and agree with their point of view and not the extremist nonsense they’re expecting.

        “Those protestors are destroying Columbia! They’re desecrating those old buildings!”
        “Gosh, dad, you’re right. I wish the protestors would be more respectful of the trees on the quad. It’s such a pretty place.”

        To counter the black and white viewpoints, try to gently introduce some gray.

        “All Jews are ________”
        — “Dad, not all Jews are anything, just like not all Christians are anything. // Israel is a country with X residents. Judaism is a faith with X millions of adherents. They aren’t the same. // Are there times the US government has done things you’ve disagreed with? There are plenty of Jews who are opposed to what’s happening right now.”

        It’s really hard, but using humor (shared family jokes?) and gentleness can help pierce the angry bubble. The Fox News world says that libs will cry when you point something out, so agree when you can and shut it down firmly when you can’t. “Dad, I’m not discussing this with you. This is unkind.” “Dad, I’m not in the mood. Let’s discuss something we can both agree on.””Uh huh, so, how’s Aunt Mildred?”

        1. Thanks, this is really helpful. I guess I’m hesitant to admit I agree with him because he has been sooooo mean about politics my whole life…and this is the first time he’s acted concerned about antisemitism and I’m fairly sure it’s not real, just politically expedient/aligned with his right wing politics for once. (In fact he is married to someone who’s actively antisemitic and racist…but that’s a post for another day :) )

           I’m going to stop reading this post now because I don’t want to read more rude responses from the troll above and I think others have shared about as much helpful advice as they can, anyway.

           Thanks to you and everyone else who offered advice or support!

    11. I wouldn’t even respond. Just delete or archive the emails as they come in.

        I’m so sorry, OP. I have a father who seems to get a lot of satisfaction out of pushing my buttons and hurting my feelings. And other people are always defending him, like people here seem to be doing about your dad. It sucks. I mark as read most of emails and never read them.

    12. no advice, but lots of hugs. being a jew in america is hard enough these days, especially without this attitude from your father

    13. The mean streak alone is a good enough reason to take a big break. Blood is not everything.

14. I posted a couple weeks ago about my mediocre review when my billable hours were low last year due to a death in the family, and just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support.

    I took your advice and casually mentioned to a favourite client that I was thinking about making a switch and now I have two interviews next week – one at my client to go in house and one at a boutique firm that client also uses she passed my name onto!

    Wish me luck :)

    1. Great networking.

    2. Love this update! Sending out good vibes for a positive move!

    3. Woohoo! Good luck!

    4. Good for you!!! All the best luck and vibes!

    5. that is so awesome! go girl!

    6. Well done. Good luck at the interviews!!

    7. Good luck!

       Well done. I’m very impressed.

15. For folks who do at home press on or glue on nails, what are the most durable or longest lasting brands you’ve used?

    Im looking for a new nail solution; I want something I can do at home to save money and time, but even dazzle dry isn’t cutting it for me (I get ~3 days without a chip).

    I need a nail that can hold up for my weekend life but looks good enough for my weekday life. Long story short, I spend most weekends at a family cabin which includes lots of yard work and home repairs (some might call it rustic, some might call it run down). Leisure time on weekends includes lots of outdoor activities: year round hiking, trail running, mountain biking, and seasonally skiing, sailing, kayaking, swimming) so I’m hard on my nails.

    Weekday life includes a corporate job with a nicer end of business casual wardrobe, somewhat frequent presentations at work to senior level folks, meetings with clients, work travel, dinners and drinks out both with work contacts and friends, first dates, and the like so I want to look put together.

    I don’t think there’ll be a magic solution by any means, but just looking for something that can survive a weekend but look nice enough for a Monday morning meeting.

    1. The dashing diva semi-cured strips are great! You do have to have a light and focus on finding the closest size to your nail as possible but I’ve found those to be the longest lasting, with the caveat that I don’t do much/any yard work or repair but I do swim so my nails are in water a decent amount. I’ve also liked the sizing of the Olive and June press ons but don’t love their colors/patterns—seem very juvenile.

       The basic Kiss acrylics are a good option too. Honestly I’d just buy a bunch and try them out—they’re inexpensive enough that you can do that.

    2. My adventures with home press-on/glue-on nails were unimpressive. They look great when first done – but are prone to popping off at inopportune times – especially if you are hard on your hands.
       Chips look better than a finger completely missing its nail.

       Doesn’t meet the ask of home-applied, but salon-applied, UV-cured gel polish otherwise has been meeting the criteria you laid out. I get 2.5-3 weeks between applications with no chips. Only get chips when the nails underneath break – which is pretty easy to avoid by keeping them short and not letting it go TOO long between polish changes. Usually the “roots” of the nail start to look grown out before anything else is chipped or damaged.

       1. Trying to avoid gels due to expense and damage to my nails, but even so I only get ~7-10 days out of them!

          If something’s only going to last a week I’d rather do press on nails since they cost somewhere between 1/3 and 1/5 of gel nails at the salon.

       2. Somehow my gel chips even without nail breakage! Happens around day 5-7.

    3. I have many of the same activities as you and I’ve started using Essie’s here to stay base with a sheer color and the no chips ahead topcoat (often followed by speed setter because I can ruin a manicure in 10 seconds flat). I’m getting 1.5 to 2 weeks out of each application after never going more than 2-3 days in the past.

       1. Than you for the rec! I will check it out. I’m totally fine with very basic nail (80% of the time I wear neutrals or a light pink anyway) if it lasts!

    4. I tried Kiss glue-on nails that I bought on Amazon and I was really impressed by the quality and how long they lasted, but I’m not super active or outdoorsy so I’m not hard on my hands.

       1. That said, if you ARE really hard on your nails, press-ons might not be the solution for you. You’ll need to do dip or gel.

       2. + 1 for Kiss nails. I use them all the time and they regularly last a week.

    5. I use the Color street stickers. They stay for a long time (I am also hard on nails) and don’t damage like gel does. Yes, it is an MLM but I just ignore all solicitations, buying ‘from’ someone who is near me geographically but I have never met her IRL.

       1. Ugh my cousin sells Color Street. Might have to connect with her about it…

          1. Honestly? The Nails Mailed, Lily&Fox, or even Amazon “nail polish wraps” or “nail polish strips” are a ton better for active fingers than Color Street, at about a third of the price. Find the Color Street “tips and tricks” web sites and follow the recommendations for the non-CS strips/stickers. They are fantastic. Glitter varieties seem the most durable.

    6. I used press ons at one point a year or two ago and I had good luck with Olive & June

    7. as someone also hard on their nails unless i’m really being conscious about it, any of the strip or press on nails have not held up that well, esp. as if a press on pops off, it looks horrible / way more noticeable than chips.

       If you don’t want to do salon gel (which I love but don’t want to always pay for) I would do a nail concealer/illuminator product like the londontown (butter london) Illuminating Nail Concealer – comes in various shades and is super subtle but definitely makes your nails look ‘done’

       1. Thanks! I’ll try one of these

16. Hello, I thought I would just touch back with updates.
    TLDR – I have separated from my alcoholic abusive controlling husband. The police case is still ongoing, and I am divorcing him.
    I’m feeling good today – I had a real ah ha moment this week, when I was talking with a friend whose husband is drinking heavily, not to take away the awfulness of her situation, I realised the abuse from my husband went over and above the alcohol. The drink definitely contributed, but it was not an excuse for how he treated me, in the same way that him blaming side effects of drugs/PTSD and a whole range of other things on his behaviour is just a diverting excuse. Strangely this has made me feel better. I suppose it confirms everything my gut tells me, absolutely viscerally, that he will never be part of my life again – even if the alcohol is gone (and that is such a big if) there was something even more powerful causing him to be the person he was, and that I have no understanding of and I don’t know that he does. It also helps me stop beating myself up about my struggles to feel I was not enabling him. He would not let me disengage, because of the control he was exerting.
    I’ve also met with my lawyers, and now at least I have a set of parameters around what the divorce is going to cost me financially, which is un palatable, but is the price I will have to pay to get him out of my life, and I feel confident that i have found the team to get me through that as quickly and effectively as possible.
    I am still carrying on carrying on, the grieving is still there, but I’m crying less. The thing I am trying to get my head round now is the whole reformulation of my life to come. It is particularly strange because my plans had me retiring in a couple of years and now I don’t know. Up till now I had plans and a vision and that is empty, and I can’t bring myself to think about it, because all I really see is the picture I built of of the future that was intended to be ‘ours’.
    My support network, virtual and real is out there, and I think I have also found a therapist that works for me. So maybe today when someone asks me how I am today, I can honestly say OK.

    1. A huge hug to you.

       It’s amazing how people can get sucked into abusive situations, isn’t it? Also amazing is how the world will feel lighter once you’re really out.

    2. So many hugs for you. You sound very aware and even-keeled about all of this, which I am sure is taking a huge amount of effort on top of the logistics of rearranging your whole life. Take care of yourself. We are here for you.

    3. Congrats on getting to this level place. Wishing you all the best.

    4. Thank you for this update! Many hugs to you!!

    5. Hugs to you. I remember seeing that empty space that was my future when my now ex husband moved out. I wondered if I would be lonely or not know what to do with my time. I wasn’t lonely or bored, as it turns out. I was just relieved and grateful.

       I made plans outside of work like it was my job for a while, and then after a while it all just kind of fell into place. I bought new furniture and a lot of books and had great time learning how to be happily alone.

       I’m remarried now, but I still look back fondly on that time in my life.

       1. +1 to looking back fondly. I’ve been divorced and remarried twice and the between-marriages times were fantastic both times.

    6. Big hugs to you – and I love reading these check-ins. What you’re going through is tough, but you’re making a better future for yourself.

    7. Thank you for the update! It’s been inspiring to see your evolution since the original post, and all the comments people wrote in response. It seems to me like you are moving through the different spaces of coming to terms with everything, and not staying stuck for long in any of them. And so glad to hear you’ve found your professional support team — so important that it’s not all on you…

       Wishing you the best as you continue on this journey. As many people shared, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

       1. +1. I have been thinking of you and appreciate the update. Wishing you the very best.

17. Anyone have a collared shirt bodysuit that you like?

    1. i think wacoal makes them – i’ve seen them at saks and maybe zappos?

18. Can anyone comment on the quality of progressive glasses from Warby Parker? The frames at my optometrist’s office are so frumpy, but I’ve had bad experiences with the quality of internet glasses in the past.

    1. Can’t speak to progressive lenses, but I love my WP frames!

    2. Warby Parker isn’t internet glasses anymore (they are brick and mortar in a lot of cities). They were never like cheap internet glasses though. I can’t comment on the progressives.

       But in general, if you don’t like the frames at your optometrist’s office, you can definitely go elsewhere including other offices and frame shops where you live.

    3. WP has real stores now, FYI. I’ve been very happy with the quality of my frames and high-prescription regular lenses.

    4. I buy my frames online and take them to my optometrist who has good quality progressive lenses put in.

    5. I just got progressive glasses and sunglasses from Zenni and really like them. I never like the way the WP frames look on me.

    6. I’ve got progressive lenses from Warby Parker and they’re fine. I haven’t had any problems.

       1. Same. I’ve had multiple pairs now without a problem.

    7. DH has some and has been happy with them.

    8. I’ve had their progressives for years and they are great. Several years ago, I had a pair where the progressive didn’t give me enough mid-range prescription (if that makes sense – it was for computing and I needed it to be larger), and they re-did them without question or additional cost.

    9. I’m wearing them right now. No issues. This is my fourth pair – regular glasses, sunglasses, new regular glasses, new sunglasses after a prescription change.

       1. PS I use a local brick and mortar WP store.

    10. I used a WP store for my frames and progressive lenses, then used the online profile they set up for me to order sunglasses and a second pair with different frames. It was by far the easiest glasses buying experience in 55 years of bad eye sight and one of only a handful of times I didn’t have to return glasses for correction. I plan use them from now on.

19. Feeling helpless – is there some way to help a neighbor? The wife was taken to the hospital last week, and it turns out she has end-stage liver failure. She’s unconscious and sedated and intubated. TBD about a transplant. The liver failure is caused by drinking (she sadly always had a drink in her hand) and her husband is ashamed and has asked us to keep quiet and not talk with the other neighbors. But I have to do something!

    Money’s not a concern for them, so parking money or whatever isn’t a need, and they have great insurance. Do I send flowers? She’s unconscious. Do I replace the dead flowers in the pots on their front porch and weed their flower beds? She’s known for her beautiful gardens and it’s so strange to see things unkempt over there. They’re quite the gourmands, so I don’t know that the husband would eat my chicken tetrazzini. Thanks for ideas.

    1. The flowerbed idea is really sweet.

       Also I always give food in these situations. He is probably barely treading water, so any food standards you imagine have gone out the window (if they ever existed). He will be glad to have something easy and not fast food or hospital cafeteria food.

       Don’t send flowers to the hospital because those often aren’t allowed in patients’ rooms anyway.

    2. I would.probably be described as a gourmand and would love a pan of your chicken tetrazzini, most especially during a hard time. But replacing flowers is a lovely idea.

    3. I think your flower pot refresh idea is good. Just keep in mind that if what he really wants is for you to keep this quiet, restraining your impulse to do something may truly be more comforting to him than any big gesture.

       1. Yes, I like that fixing up the garden probably actually helps with keeping things quiet.

    4. How old are they? Are there kids (young or grown)?

    5. “Don’t tell the neighbors” might be more like “don’t tell the neighbor she’s got end stage liver disease and is currently dying” vs “keep it a secret that my wife is hospitalized.” Are there ways you can rally the neighbors that don’t dig into the personal bits of why she’s in the hospital? Can you feign some ignorance, just “Bob let me know they have a family emergency and Jenny is in the hospital, it’s not looking good. Here’s what we can do: ____________” and just leave it at that. Obviously they will find out when she dies, but surely there can be non-nosey neighborly things to do until then.

       I think yardcare is great. As someone with a fussy yard, I would love this but I would also appreciate a heads up. “Hi Bob, I have some time this afternoon and am going to do some yardwork. I’ll take care of your flower beds too. Let me know if that’s a problem.” Otherwise, you’d show up on my security system and I’d be a little concerned.

       1. I think don’t tell other neighbors. People are nosy. I know I am. If you share that she’s in the hospital and don’t say why, they’re going to try to figure out why. Just honor his wishes, OP. Don’t involve the neighbors.

    6. I think bringing food for the husband, and doing the gardening for the wife, would be really amazing and thoughtful. He will eat it. I’m sure he’s half out of his mind.

    7. I just want to say cheers to the woman who managed to create and maintain a garden so beautiful that she is known for it, all with a drink in her hand and end stage liver disease. Talk about living life on your own terms!

20. Is there such a thing as a stylish messenger bag? Looking for something that can take a laptop in its own sleeve plus small lunch box and all the other things. Do not want a backpack. Looking for arty/well made. Prefer not canvas if possible! Thanks.

    1. Could you do a tote?

       1. I could but kind of like the idea of a big shoulder strap to take the weight across the body.

    2. I still like the old PS1 satchel look for carting around a laptop, but I don’t think you’re going to be fitting a lunch box in one! Unless it’s quite small and slim.

       They’re not really stylish, but the full grain leather messenger bags that someone is making locally to you strike me as classic, though whether that look works probably depends on the rest of one’s wardrobe.

21. Recommendations for a novel for a beach vacation next week? I enjoy epic stories of relationships (Stegner, Crossing to Safety; Hosseini, The Kite Runner) and historical fiction. Thanks.

    1. Pillars of the Earth?

       1. All that I remember from that book was that there was so much violence!

    2. Two come to mind with those criteria:

       The Women by Kristin Hannah is excellent. It’s her new book and so, so good.

       Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver. Probably my favorite book last year.

       1. The Women is SO good.

          1. +1 I loved it! The Great Alone is one of my favorite books of all time, but I’d been a bit disappointed with other KH titles. The Women is fantastic.

             1. I loved The Great Alone too! Also The Nightingale was good and popular for a reason. However I really disliked Four Winds, so much so it turned me off of Kirsten Hannah books for quite a while. Was very glad I gave The Women a chance though!!

       2. Loved The Women. And it’s both a relationship and historical fiction book.

    3. Outlander, maybe?

    4. The Dutch House by Ann Patchett. Vinegar Girl by Anne Tyler.

    5. Something by Elena Ferrante.

    6. The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons

    7. Next Year in Havana

    8. Tom Lake. It spans a long period of time and interpersonal relationships, but it’s more about appreciating the small moments.

       1. Tom Lake was one of the best I’ve read in years. FWIW, I pulled a kindle sample at some point a few months ago and decided I wasn’t in the mood, but revisited later and when it was right it was right – laughed and cried and I’ll probably reread it even, which I rarely do with novels. Highly recommend the Meryl Streep audiobook version too.

          I followed it in short order by both The Dutch House (also by Ann Patchett and also excellent, but I prefer Tom Lake, possibly because I am the mom to two young daughters), as well as The Most Fun We’ve Ever Had, which somehow hit similar nerves as Tom Lake did – a little more tragedy, but overall focused on familial relationships spanning decades.

          Also love Outlander and The Bronze Horseman, both recommended above, which is making me think I need to check out the other recs on this thread!

       2. The audio version of Tom Lake is read by Meryl Streep and the audio version of The Dutch House is read by Tom Hanks and they’re both excellent.

          1. The Tom Hanks audio Dutch House is so, so good. Ann Patchett writes about how she met Tom and got him to do it in her book “These Precious Days” which is also very worth listening to or reading. She reads the audiobook herself, which makes sense because they are personal memoirs.

    9. Cutting for Stone or The Covenant of Water. I loved the first, am about to start the second.

    10. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society !

        very relationship driven but more so friendship/community than romance. it’s a really interesting sliver of WWII that I had never heard about. it’s moving but also light enough for the beach!

        1. I loved this one.

    11. Virgin Earth by Philippa Gregory – spans generations, so good.

    12. For historical fiction with some romance thrown in, I loved The Rose Code and Diamond Eye, both by Kate Quinn. Currently reading the Alice Network, another of her books.

22. I have a dumb question, but what is someone supposed to do when their spouse refuses to give them a divorce? My sister is going through an absolute nightmare with her narcissistic, emotionally abusive husband. Without going into all the very identifiable details, the short version is that her husband has stonewalled for four months and refuses to settle or even counteroffer the financial portion, all while complaining and whining about how unfair it is. He has not cooperated with any legal requests, so my sister’s lawyer has filed a motion for court-ordered mediation. It could take 2 more months to schedule anything, and my sister feels like she’s trapped in a nightmare that won’t end. My BIL is an idiot who hasn’t hired a lawyer because he thinks he can talk my sister into reconciling. She’s holding out hope that the courts can force the matter. What typically happens in situations like this? I’m at a loss. Their marriage has been a mess for years, but my BIL has proven himself to be a terrible human in every way, from how he’s trying to emotionally manipulate my sister (while asking her to reconcile!), to trying to use their young kids as leverage to stop the divorce from happening, to apparently being okay with sponging off of others’ hard work and financial support.

    1. Eventually it gets litigated in court.

    2. She needs to request that her attorney aggressively move the case forward in court. But even that will take some time. I tell my clients in similar situations that the other side will only be able to delay things so long, but there is a certain amount of delay that I can’t remove. All of the issues in the divorce will be resolved eventually, but the system will only let us move so fast.

       1. This. Often it will settle on the courthouse steps, but it sounds like she is going to have to take it all the way to trial. The good news is that if BIL doesn’t have a lawyer, he is likely to mess things up so the ultimate judgment will probably be favorable to your sister. And sadly? Four months isn’t a long time in court time. It took me a year and a half to get divorced.

          1. Sigh. Took 18 months for me too. And we were pretty amicable! But my state required a certain length of separation, and then it was the pandemic and it took forever to get a (virtual) court date. I get that it wasn’t a life or death emergency, but I breathed a big sigh of relief when I got the final documents in the mail.

             1. My uncontested divorce took 15 months well before the pandemic because it just sat in someone’s desk at the county office for close to a year. I went and stood in line for hours and finally when I got the right person, they rooted around in a pile of papers, and stamped it on the spot. I asked “is that it? Am I divorced?” And the lady said “yes, baby, go have a margarita.”

             2. Speaking of margaritas, somebody from here (waving at you if you’re reading!) drove from DTLA to Pasadena to take me out for drinks the night we finally settled my divorce. I will be eternally grateful for her kindness!!

    3. All the sympathy. It sort of points out why she’s divorcing him. One of my friends got dragged back to court by her attorney husband for literal years before they could finalize their divorce. Despite him being a lying scumbag and cheater, he could not believe that she would actually divorce him.

    4. I am finally divorced from a similar sounding man. The gaslighting is never ending and worse post separation than it was during our marriage.

       You are going to have to go to trial. It’s a nightmare divorcing these people and family courts really don’t do a good job protecting children from these parents. If he is manipulating the children that needs to be documented by a third party, which means get the kids into a therapist.

       Your sister needs to read up on divorcing a narcissist. Once you understand the playbook it is much easier to deal with them. Highly recommend the narcissists manifesto… the 48 laws of power by Robert Greene.

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