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Do you have a silver or stainless steel watch, but a gold wedding band? I feel like it's gotten a lot more acceptable over the years to mix metals, but one of the easiest ways to make it work is to buy a “bridge” piece that helps make all of your jewelry look just a bit more intentional.
Mejuri has a great line called “Duet” that focuses on just that — I love the silver and gold ring pictured here.
The ring is $98, available in sizes 4-10.
Hunting for other jewelry pieces with mixed metals? Some other great brands include The Posh Tech, Jenny Bird, and David Yurman.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Hobbs sizing
Hobbs dresses fit- if I’m a 6 at J Crew am I a US 6 for a Hobbs dress?
Cat
I’d size up one in general, so US 8 for Hobbs, but find their sizes can be annoyingly inconsistent – sometimes I’m an XS in their tops and sometimes a M!
Anonymous
Generally I find my designer size is true to size at Hobbs but NOT my mall brand size. So at Jcrew/Brooks Brothers/Madewell/Vineyard Vines I’m a 4, Reiss/Fold/Veronica Beard/Hobbs I’m a UK 10/US 6. If it’s your first time ordering I’d go through Bloomingdales for easy returns.
Anonymous
Thank you both! Very helpful.
Anon
US. 6 is UK 10.
Anonymous
This morning I received my equipment for an at home sleep study. I have book club tonight, and will most likely have a couple of drinks, which I know makes my snoring worse. Would you do the sleep study tonight? Or wait til tomorrow when I’ve had no alcohol? I have two alcoholic drinks once a week on average.
Anon
I’d do what is typical for you. If you think a drink or two is potentially contributing to sleep apnea, I’d have the drinks. After all, you do want to know when you’re having trouble with not breathing.
I just had my home sleep study follow up appointment this morning. I’m right on the border of mild sleep apnea, but not enough to treat.
anon
I recently did one of these and my results indicated that I’m a perfectly healthy sleeper, with no apnea or snoring. I know this to be false! The study caught me on a good night, I guess? My ENT had nothing to offer me without an apnea diagnosis. So I would go ahead and drink to try to replicate your worst night’s sleep.
Anon
I would do this too. Aim for worst night.
NYNY
Sometimes I have to remind my husband that he isn’t trying to ace the test when it’s diagnostic. Have the drinks and do the study tonight.
Anon
That is such a good point, as someone who’s taking a lot of medical tests right now. It has always been important to me to ace test throughout my life, but the perspective with medical tests is totally opposite.
I also have to fight the urge with my doctors to do this:
Doc: how are you feeling?
Me: just fine! How are you?
ABanon
lol. That’s the exact word for word conversation I have with my doctor every time! I have to get that stupid nicety out of the way even though he very stubbornly never replies how he his.
Anon
The whole point of my being there (he’s a specialist) is that I am NOT fine haha. It’s my “get me out of here” base response I think.
anon
Ha ha … I do the same thing.
It has really hurt me in the past, when meeting new doctors.
anon
do it after drinking so it captures your worst!
PS we just paid $250 for the at home sleep study which is the only way it’s apparently done anymore. I worry my partner is going to get poor results if everyone else is showing weirdness. Hoping more people share their stories!
New Here
I actually just had an in-office sleep study done in February! So they still do them, at least where I am (SEUS).
Anon
I’m the person above who just went to the sleep doc this morning to have my readout from my home test. I said I wasn’t quite sure it was working when I did it, and he said everyone feels that way. When you’re doing a sleep test at the sleep lab, you’re hooked up to a bunch of monitors and someone is making sure it’s working. But then you can’t really sleep because of all the monitors and not being in your own bed. So he prefers to start with the home test for that reason.
And my worries were in vain. It did work & get a reading.
edj3
I had to have the at home one before my insurance would cover the in facility one.
Anon
If the medical picture seems at all complicated, they do schedule them at the sleep study location. Apparently they can also get a deeper read on some data.
Lily
Sharing two powerful stories from the NYT today, one of them in video form –
https://www.nytimes.com/video/world/middleeast/100000009407019/our-reporter-on-the-fate-of-a-gazan-university-class.html?smid=url-share
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/23/world/middleeast/gaza-famine-starvation-children.html
Anon
this is terrible, tragic and very very sad. i’d imagine there are some in ukraine and other places around the world dealing with similar struggles. too bad we can’t redirect the funds being spend on these encampments at US universities to actually help the people in gaza
Lily
Are you kidding me? Are you seriously saying that student protesters (who are part of a long, storied tradition in this country – are you aware of the Vietnam war protests?) shouldn’t be protesting because they *could* be making charitable donations? How do you know they aren’t doing both? And how about the fact that so much of the donations from Americans are being held up at the border by Israel?
Of course, there are other people in other parts of the world starving and being bombed. I also advocate for them and donate to those causes. But generally speaking, those people are not being bombed and starved with my tax dollars and my government’s influence.
anonshmanon
I read the previous post in the context that it’s hard for donations to reach Gaza right now.
Anonymous
Fundamentally unserious argument. “The funds being spent on encampments?” Give me a break.
Anon
Yeah I agree, that’s kind of grasping at straws.
I also agree there is a long tradition of students protesting. I’ve been part of a protest for abortion rights. It can be very powerful, and hard for those in a position of power to ignore.
I’ve never been part of anything like shutting down a bridge or freeway, as just happened here in the Bay Area.
Anon
Yes, it’s terrible that civilians are being affected like this. Hamas knowingly and intentionally put Gazans in this position. There’s an NYT interview with a Hamas leader who openly states they don’t think it’s their responsibility to provide food or safe shelter for civilians. The solution is for Hamas to release the hostages and stop embedding their infrastructure and fighters in civilian areas. Until then there’s no rational reason for Israel to remove all their forces. Hamas has promised to commit the October 7 atrocities again and refused to negotiate in good faith or adhere to the terms of a ceasefire.
Anonymous
Yes, we know what the Israeli propaganda messaging is on this. I think the poster wanted to engage in an interesting, intellectually nuanced discussion.
Anon
It’s not Israeli propaganda to say Hamas knowingly puts their citizens in harms way. It’s obvious from what is happening and their own statements.
Lily
It’s Israeli propaganda to say we should absolve Israel, the country bombing and starving people, of responsibility because Hamas is evil or Hamas are rapists or Hamas doesn’t care for its people (all true). All of those things can be true!!! My tax dollars don’t fund Hamas. My tax dollars fund Israel and I don’t want my tax dollars bombing and starving babies. Israel can and must find another way to root out Hamas. Right now Israel is not defeating Hamas and the ideology behind it. It is actually strengthening that ideology. But since Netanyahu openly admitting funneling money to Hamas to prevent a Palestinian state, I guess that all actually makes sense.
Anon
You think throwing the word propaganda around makes you look intellectually nuanced? She said nothing that isn’t true. Feel free to provide sources otherwise.
Runcible Spoon
Are you seriously calling a NYT interview with a Hamas leader “Israeli propaganda messaging”? Who isn’t being intellectually nuanced here?
Lily
Ok. Yes, Hamas is responsible. It’s also true that Israel could relieve these innocent people’s suffering in a minute. Why do you feel the need to respond to a story like this with something about October 7? Do the babies in the story have anything to do with Hamas or October 7? Basically you’re saying, we’re going to starve babies until they (the babies or their moms, as if they had any power over the situation) free the hostages. SMH…
Anon
How could Israel relieve the situation in a minute? I want more aid to come in, but a huge part of the reason it’s not a free for all is because weapons get smuggled in for Hamas. You can’t seriously blame Israel for not being cool with that. Where’s the pressure on Hamas to use its tunnel system and aid caches to assist civilians?
Lily
Hamas is a terrorist organization. Our tax dollars do not go to Hamas. American university students protesting has no effect whatsoever on Hamas. This is just basic common sense.
Lily
Also, are you saying that shipments from the U.S. are full of weapons? Why would Israel hold up American aid shipments (which is happening, google it) if not to deprive Gazans of food and medicine?
Anon
Hamas is the elected government of Gaza that has something like 70% support among their citizens. Can we please stop letting them off the hook because “they’re a terrorist organization”? That statement is true but they’re also an elected government that enjoys widespread support from their citizens and it’s reasonable to hold them accountable for their behavior.
Anon
+1 to Anon at 3:52.
Anon
The last elections held in Gaza were in 2006.
Anonymous
American University students protesting at universities also don’t have any impact on this. Go protest at the un the White House the offices of senators etc.
Anon
Yes they haven’t held elections in a long time but they have popular support and there’s zero evidence election results would by any different if held today, or right before the events of October 7.
Anyway, dictatorships are still governments. Putin is treated as the government leader he is, even if he’s not elected democratically.
Anonymous
There is widespread consensus among NGOs, Western governments, and journalists that Israel is blocking aid. Depriving Gazans of the basics of life is what Israeli leaders announced they would do from the outset, and they’ve very cleverly deployed a multi-pronged strategy to do just that..
No one is suggesting aid trucks should not be searched, just that the process should not be a Kafkaesque process designed for widespread deprivation, which the current one is. Also, Israel can stop intentionally killing aid workers and taking potshots at civilians seeking a bag of flour any time they want. In fact, they should be escorting aid convoys themselves or at least supporting the efforts of the Gazan police force. Instead, they’ve targeted the police.
Also, one of the main sources of weaponry used by Hamas is repurposed spent Israeli weaponry, so we could start there to starve Hamas of new artillery.
Anon
Civilian casualties in war are common though tragic. It’s not reasonable to expect Israel to not have any civilian collateral damage trying to get their hostages back. The Allies killed tens of millions of innocent civilians in WWII and virtually everyone alive today considers that war just. I’m not saying this war is equivalent to that one, but there are certainly some situations in which mass civilian death is morally justified, so I don’t find the “Israel is immoral for killing civilians” arguments very compelling.
Lily
The Allies did not kill tens of millions of civilians during WWII, get your facts straight. It’s less than a million. The vast, vast majority of civilian deaths were caused by the Nazis and Japan. And the U.S. is rightfully criticized all the time for the Dresden and Japan bombings.
Anon
For Israel, the civilian collateral damage is the point.
Anonymous
The term “collateral damage” is misapplied in many, many instances here
Anon
I agree completely. Hamas is completely devoid of caring or compassion for Palestinians. They’re just tools and shields. If you want to benefit Gaza, stop Hamas.
Anon
I agree 1000%
Anon
Israel has a long history of collective punishment and they are equally to blame for this. I am sick to my stomach that my tax dollars go to this country. Even if Hamas returns the hostages, Israel will continue its torture, illegal detentions, and violence against the Palestinian people. Nothing will stop them.
Anon
too bad we can’t go back in time so that the Arab nations could accept the 1947 two state solution proposed by the UN. Think of how many lives could have been spared over the years and what Palestine could like like now.
Anon
I know it’s an oversimplified take, but I agree. How much destruction has been wrought simply by vowing to destroy Israel?
Anon
Yes, I agree. It’s sad.
Boo
Oh please, give it a break with this whole it’s everyone else’s fault except Israel’s. It’s entire existence depended on displacing a group of people and the argument is, why didn’t everyone just accept this? Israel would never have spared Palestinian lives. The leaders of Israel literally consider them animals going back 70 years; you honestly think they would have let them live?
Anon
Jews have lived in the land of Israel for thousands of years. The antisemitic left likes to “forget” that while it’s busy parroting land acknowledgments in the U.S. and Canada.
Boo
Jews certainly did live on that land before, along with the Muslims and Christians. And then European Zionist, esp fundamentalist Christians, came along and decided it should belong to a single group and proceeded with cleansing the natives of that area.
Many people on this thread and IRL keep trying to equate Israel= Jews or Zionist = Jews as if we don’t see the blatant attempts to shut down any criticism of Israel and as if the Jews who stand up for Palestinians don’t exist.
JanChicago
Thank you Anons for the succinct statements about the situation in Gaza. Also, Hamas has not allowed the Red Cross to visit or medically examine the remaining 133 Israeli hostages held in Gaza. On October 7 unprovoked, Hamas broke the cease fire by killing 1,200+ in Israel. I want peace and prosperity for all.
Anon
Yes, so since Hamas has not allowed the Red Cross to visit (agree, deplorable), let’s starve and bomb babies! Makes so much sense!
Anon
It’s more about not pretending that Israel is the only actor causing harm.
Lily
I am not pretending that Israel is the only actor causing harm. Israel is the only actor causing harm that we are funding and arming. And Israel is causing harm that is vastly disproportionate.
Anon
We already know Hamas is bad. But we give a lot of power and money to Israel, and we need to talk about it.
Anonymous
1139
Each one a tragedy, but that is the number
Anon
Hamas killed 1,139 Israelis on October 7.
Israeli forces have killed 34,183 Palestinians since October 7, including over 14,000 children. Prior to October 7 an additional 234 Palestinians had been killed by the IDF.
Anon
Additional info: of the 1,139 Israelis killed on October 7, 38 were children.
Boo
Israel’s rhetoric on its slaughter of Palestinians very much mimics that of an abuser “Why do you make me hit you”
Also, hasn’t Israel always lauded itself as the only democracy in the ME. And now it’s why do these Palestinians keep electing these people?
Which line are we supposed to be buying here?
Anon
I’m sorry – this is a very stupid take. War between a terrorist group and an independent state is in no way analogous to a domestic abuser shifting blame. I assume you’re not actually suggesting that Israel take the rocket hits and bombings with no reaction because that would be next level stupid.
Boo
About as stupid as suggesting the Palestinians put up with their land being stolen, held without charges, killed by settlers with impunity, stripped of basic decency. But I’m assuming you wouldn’t suggest Palestinians put up with that?
Anon
Boo, what do you think Hamas does to its own civilians? Why don’t you care about that?
Anonymous
@Anon – Israel also funded and propped up Hamas. So they are also responsible for what Hamas does.
Boo
Who says I don’t?
You can pull this goalpost shifting bs all you want, but my tax dollars don’t support Hamas. My representatives don’t put a rubber stamp on what Hamas does. Hamas puts its evil intentions right out there in the world to see. Israel does the same evil shit but wants all of our sympathy for it.
Anon
Hamas says in its charter it wants to destroy Israel and kill Jews. Israel is certainly not trying to kill all Palestinians or non-Jews in the area, and in fact ~25% of the population of Israel is non-Jewish. Equating Israel with Hamas and calling them equally evil is way off base and is antisemitic. You can make plenty of legitimate, non-antisemitic criticisms of the Israeli government but it’s not anywhere near the same level of evil as Hamas.
Anon
i do not have any military expertise. i might have missed a discussion of this on this board or in the news, but has someone put forth a plausible realistic alternative strategy for the israeli military?
Lily
Google “operation wrath of god.”
Anonymous
Ok so then no. Because that was a wildly different situation. Sorry you didn’t find the anti Israel echo chamber you were looking for here.
anon
yes, i am familiar with that operation, but have not seen anyone suggest that is a plausible strategy right now
JanChicago
Anon @3:41pm, need an alternative strategy for Hamas! Palestinians will only have prosperity, peace and health with the destruction of Hamas. Holocaust ended 79 years ago with the death of 6,000,000 Jewish people. Holocaust stated with the denial of civil rights to Jewish people, which included being banned from universities. We need peace for all.
Boo
Yes. Stop enabling settlers from stealing Palestinian land; displacing them at home and in their businesses (settlers even steal the olive farms and then have the Palestinians work in the same fields they stole from them). For once, prosecute settlers who are violent towards the Palestinians and don’t let the IDF shoot them. Let the Palestinians have the same rights of travel including removing the checkpoints that they wait hours at. Don’t indefinitely hold the Palestinians, especially the children, without bringing charges. This has been done for the past 70 years, maybe Israel can try a different strategy then brutalizing them.
Anonymous
Yes, I am trying to work out how Oct 7 and the ensuing pursuit of Hamas made it necessary for the IDF to block Palestinians in the West Bank from tending to their family farmland. I’ve tried and tried but cannot determine a good reason for this. Anyone?
Anon
It’s surprising to me how surprised some people are that an oppressed people become radicalized, and that a fragile community lets a radical government take over.
Anon
Who said they were surprised?
Anon
I don’t think anyone is surprised. I understand why Hamas exists, just like I understand why ISIS and Al Qaeda exist. It doesn’t make their actions right.
Anon
Isn’t there a university protest you’re expected at?
Anon
Ha
Anon
Yes, let’s make fun of young people who are outraged by bombing and starving of babies and who want to use their voice when they have no other way of being heard. Let’s make fun of people participating in democracy. It’s so funny! Don’t they have anything better to do?
Boo
The young people are not buying into the same rhetoric that has been fed to the older generations because social media gives an actual look into the Palestinian side so it’s hard to claim that Israel is the victim when you’re seeing Palestinian children starving to death and bodies upon bodies piling up.
Plus, they’re sharp enough to understand that maybe it’s worth being suspicious of a wealthier, whiter, more powerful side claiming to be the victims and good guy here against a smaller poorer POC group. Which is what older Americans LOVE to think, even the uber liberal ones.
Anon
Not all Jews are white, and we have historically been oppressed not oppressors. There is certainly room for critiquing the Israeli government’s actions but characterizing Jews as rich white oppressors feels really gross and anti-Semitic to me.
Anon
It’s definitely gross. It’s all part of the simplistic worldview that people can be neatly sorted into “oppressor” and “oppressed” categories. It’s a way to dehumanize the “oppressor” so you can commit atrocities against them.
Anonymous
Jews are not all white. That is why Israel needed to sterilize Ethiopian Jewish women seeking to immigrate to Israel.
Anonymous
I literally never used the word Jews, but go off. There are many Jews who are pro-Palestinian, including at the university protests. I’m clearly talking about Americans here and a subset of them at that.
And it’s about as gross as calling the Palestinians animals so Israel can oppress them, which is what Israel leaders have repeatedly done. They’re are people on this thread who justify collective punishment of thousands, but you want to lecture the Pro-Palestinian crowd about labeling a population as the oppressors. The cognitive dissonance is unreal.
Really?
Have you even been to Israel or Palestine? I’ve been to both. The people look the same. The idea that you (yes, you) could sort out a group of Israelis and Palestinians with any sense of accuracy is risible.
Anon
I don’t agree with Lily on 99% of posts on this topic, but it’s a good thing to care about human suffering. We definitely agree on that.
Anonymous
It’s so funny how so many folks here think that change is effected by asking for it nicely.
Boo
Right! Protest! but do it in way that’s pleasant to the eyes and ears!
The WaPo has an interesting article today comparing the current Columbia protest to the ones in the 60s. And I’d bet anything that the exact same rhetoric that is used about the protestors now was said back then. The same dismissiveness.
Severance Agreement Qs
DH is being laid off. His bank is being acquired and he’s collateral damage (his role is back office redundant – think finance, marketing, etc). He was notified in November 2023 of an April 2024 end date. In February 2024 the end date was indefinitely extended due to delays in gaining regulatory approval for the bank sale. Looks like we’re circling mid July now. If the approval gets delayed again, it could be kicked out as far as October. Either way, they’ve been promised 30 days notice of their final date which will also come with the severance agreement. DH is interviewing actively and getting good reception. No real offers yet but great activity (so far he’s being a little selective since we have the time and severance, which I’m supportive of).
He’ll get 6 months severance, which is about $50k based on a formula they’re applying to everyone. Formula is a function of time served (he’s got 8 years) + one year. Max payout is 12 months.
The actual question: how negotiable are severance agreements if it’s a mass layoff like we have here? Is it always important for an attorney to review? I’m definitely not in law and do not remotely pretend to be, but, on the one hand, I read my fair share of contracts daily and regularly pull out language/legalese that looks suspect for outside counsel to review. Is it a bad plan for me to do the cursory review and see if anything looks wonky before engaging an attorney, or should we have an attorney review regardless? We’re in MA if that matters.
I know “everything is negotiable,” but practically speaking, what else is negotiable? I think they’re laying off in the ballpark of 150 people. I’d say 1/3 of the targeted victims have left on their own, possibly more at this point, fwiw. I don’t think we’d get ad-hoc consideration for things like health insurance benefit extensions or whatever else you might negotiate, but maybe? What else are we not thinking of? He got a letter notifying us of the severance calculation and estimated amount, but nothing that he had to sign or that we could negotiate at this point.
Also, severance is only paid in the event you are employed as of your termination date. So if you take a new job, you don’t get any payout. I suspect this is standard but check me if we’re wrong. The currently rolling/non-specific last day situation is terribly un-ideal because it would be perfect to time new job to start right after severance pays out, but I guess we’re just SOL on that point if he finds the perfect job because he’s unlikely to turn it down.
New territory for us so I’m open to any/all suggestions. TIA!
Anon
I mean, couldn’t he accept an offer but not tell his current employer and still get terminated and accept severance?
Anon
No. You don’t want to mess with that. It’s important to be unemployed as of the day you’re laid off. You can get a job the next day.
Anon
He doesn’t know when his last day will be, so how would that even work?
Cat
I mean, the pro of not getting severance is that you found a better job quickly. If your husband wants essentially a paid sabbatical whenever the inevitable occurs, he can’t accept a new job now.
Anon
Faculty work during sabbaticals, or at least successful faculty do.
Anon
Generally only negotiable if there’s a lm underlying situation worth more than the money offered. For example, employee was sexually harassed. Personally I think a job is worth more than severance so I’d only try to game it with start dates if he gets a good offer.
Anon
I think you’re looking at this backwards. Your husband’s goal is to land in a good position. His current job is unstable, and frankly, he could get laid off earlier than planned even if the regulatory approvals haven’t gone through. So he should be looking for the perfect role now, knowing that the clock is ticking.
Severance is a backup, in case he doesn’t find it by the time his current job ends. It isn’t a bonus that he should be trying to game.
Anon
+1. Personally I would just get a new job and quit. Don’t sit around waiting for severance.
OP
Sigh. I think the real question is being missed in the unintentionally long post.
TLDR: What can we negotiate in a severance agreement, particularly in the instance where the layoff is “mass”?
To address your comment: We fully agree. Severance is plan B. While we’d love to time the severance/his last day such that he can collect and then shortly thereafter start a new job, we’re not waiting for that.
Cat
Sigh. I think the real question is being missed in the unintentionally long post.
TLDR: What can we negotiate in a severance agreement, particularly in the instance where the layoff is “mass”?
To address your comment: We fully agree. Severance is plan B. While we’d love to time the severance/his last day such that he can collect and then shortly thereafter start a new job, we’re not waiting for that.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is where there is negotiating leverage. There can also be room to negotiate if the company tries to impose restrictive covenants limiting how/where/when the terminated employee can work in connection with a severance agreement.
Anon
You hire an employment attorney. Unless your husband is a protected class, it’s going to be an uphill battle. Consider that fighting severance might result in a worse outcome than accepting it.
Also, banish the whole “he magically finds a job right after the payout.” That’s just going to make him crazy and make an actual bird in the hand look substandard.
Anon
I’m not sure I’d call people who are laid off “targeted victims” . . .
Anon
Most likely no negotiation if there are not unique facts for him and he is just part of the bigger mass layoff.
anon
Engagement ring questions. We are beginning to discuss and I’ve never planned to wed (never had the right partner til now) so I never thought about it til now. So far, the lack of symmetry bugs me when rings aren’t interlocked because the line where the rings meet when worn together isn’t centered with the stone. I’m also feeling like I like a round stone and want no more than 1k. However, I know nothing about this except photos. Can anyone share about their rings that interlock and if they still like it after a while? Can anyone share if they hit their ring on stuff as I feel like a 1k round diamond might protrude and get banged up but it’s the look I like best so I’m worried. Other things you wish you knew or considered?
Anon
What do you mean by interlock? Do you mean engagement and wedding bands that can be worn flush to each other?
Anon
I think the ones that are notched or nestled?
Pizza Rat
I’m not following what you mean by “interlocked” – solitaires often have settings that allow the band to sit flush with the engagement ring. If the settings you’re looking at are different, your best bet is to buy the engagement ring and band as a set.
Anon
I had this issue with my first set of rings and had them soldered together correctly lined up so that I wasn’t fidgeting with them all the time.
I have a new band style ring now that doesn’t bother me nearly as much. (My daughter is going to take my original engagement ring when the time comes, which is soon!)
Cat
You get used to having the ring on and don’t whack it into stuff.
But if the lack of symmetry bugs you, you don’t have to wear two rings. Just use your engagement ring as your wedding ring. Or just get a blingy wedding band and skip the solitaire.
(At least I think I understand your issue – the line that’s a circumference around your finger, between the band of the engagement ring, and the band of the wedding ring, will always not be centered with the center of the stone of your engagement ring? Because if I’m misunderstanding, and your issue is that not all engagement rings are designed for a wedding band to nestle flush against them, that is a common request.)
Anon
I still whack my ring on stuff and I’ve had it for almost 10 years. I specifically did not want any type of solitaire because I knew that I would whack it on things. I also ended up worried about scratching my baby with the ring after I had her (not an issue if you aren’t considering children). You could still get a solitaire but make sure that the band and the prongs are sturdy enough and make sure you have appropriate insurance coverage on it in case you would lose the stone. I think trying on rings is the only way to know what you really want. Also, I agree with the input above to either get a matching engagement and wedding band set or see about soldering the rings together after the fact if it really bugs you.
Anon
My main comment is that if you plan to have kids, your hands will get better (and they might even if you don’t have kids). So if you want this ring to last forever pick a design that can be expanded.
I personally am not a fan of interlocking rings – I think the bump in the ring shape is ugly and this is very fuddy duddy but feels like the wedding ring is a weird shape to accommodate the big engagement ring when in fact the marriage is what matters. You can always switch the ring to right hand if they don’t accommodate each other.
Congratulations!
Anon
i agree. i think they are ugly. many solitares and other designs have enough space for the band. i personally don’t love the way mine sit together (just feels like too much to me), so i wear my three stone oval engagement ring (which i absolutely love) on my right hand and my eternity band wedding band on my left.
Senior Attorney
Same. My wedding ring is very wide and my engagement ring setting is pretty big, too, so I wear the former on my left hand and the latter on my right hand.
smurf
also not totally sure what you mean by interlocked, but many engagement rings can have the wedding band be flush against, or there are chevron wedding bands that form like a v-shape around the ring, or there are enhancers worn on top and below the e-ring if you want that full symmetry.
I don’t think you need to be worried about a round stone getting more banged up, it is the actual setting that determines how far it sticks up from your hand. a channel set is more flush v. cathedral the stone will stick up more. As long as you’re getting a diamond (because many other stones are softer) and a quality band/setting, I wouldn’t worry too much. Take your ring off when cleaning, gardening, etc. you’ll be fine!
Anon
I love being able to wear my rings separately. I frequently wear my wedding band without the engagement ring. My wedding band is very simple and very comfortable so I can wear it without concern anywhere or doing just about anything. You may want to consider whether an interlocked ring gives you that freedom.
Anon
Check out the EngagementRings subr-ddit. Their “About” page has a helpful FAQ list. Bands are a popular discussion topic and people include photos. If you get a higher engagement ring setting then your band can sit flush against it. It’s becoming popular to wear two wedding bands if you want a symmetrical stack. Personally I don’t love the V or U-shaped bands that hug the center stone. I think they look clunky and distract from the diamond, plus you can’t wear them on their own. If you’re planning to become pregnant then hold off on soldering your band to your ring. Wait and see if you need to resize them first. You can also wear your band on your right hand if you don’t like how it looks together. Just decide that before buying because your ring size varies per hand.
Anon
Two decades in with my small round brilliant cut and I still whack it on things and unintentionally scratch myself and others with it. I don’t like that the stone sits proud of the band. I am not a blingy person and if I could go back in time I honestly would just opt for a simple band. We were broke at the time and had to pinch pennies just to get this little crumb that was more for tradition’s sake than for my own satisfaction. The money would have given us a small safety net at a time it was definitely needed.
Anon
We are new at a large high school this year. I randomly met a man who has a daughter there and he and his wife were so lovely to us all year (common kid activity at the school). They, particularly the wife, went above and beyond to explain the activity and its rules and we helped out at a lot events this year. The family lives in the next neighborhood. Their daughter is a senior in her final quarter of school.
I just found out that he died suddenly. I am just broken for them. I will find out their exact street address and drop off a note. I’m away this weekend and will miss the funeral but what is the next best thing I could do once I get back? No one else has been remotely friendly or welcoming to a new parent, so knowing them meant a lot to me.
Anon
A card for the wife and daughter saying what you said here.
Anonymous
+1 and keep checking on her – 6 months later, around a year later, etc. People tend to fade into the background when things like this happen. Resist the urge to pretend like he never existed and don’t act like it’s weird when she’s still sad about it.
Anon
you send a very thoughtful note/card as well as a gift card for food and then maybe also a text or something asking to stop by or help with carpools or whatever
anon
Send the card now, but more importantly show up two months from now, six months from now and the like. Keep inviting them out to do stuff. Realize that graduation is going to be an emotional minefield. If they throw a party, be ready to help out. If they don’t, make sure to send the daughter a gift. There will be so many people in their life right now, but the hard times are to come. When you see that she’s dropped the kid off for university, send her a text and see if she wants to grab coffee or wine, then when she says no, check in a few weeks later.
Me
+10,000. Keep showing up. Perhaps the best or easiest way to do that is off to drive the daughter to the activity as often as possible. And when the mom is there, sit with her and chat with her. Some people may avoid her because they don’t know what to say. So make a point to sit with her and chat. When you’re at the activity, don’t be afraid to say something like “your husband would have loved that game” or “your husband would have been so pleased when Daughter did whatever.” People think they shouldn’t talk about the person who died because doing so will make their loved ones sad. The loved ones are already sad and they’re thinking about the person who died a lot if not all the time. You won’t make it worse. And you might make it better. I certainly appreciate the people who share memories or (if they knew her) say things like “your mom would have liked the flowers you planted” to me. For a moment, the grief is less lonely.
And next fall, if the daughter leave for college, the mother will be a widow and an empty nester; that’s a lot of change in a matter of six months. Even if the daughter has left town, invite the mother to do things, get coffee, have dinner. Or just sent texts to say hi and you’re thinking of her. Depends on how she responds.
It’s easy to say keep showing up in the upcoming 12-24 months and I think people intend to do so, but then they get busy with their lives and forget. The people who actually do it are amazing and really helpful with grief. If you think you’ll forget, put reminders on your calendar.
2bu
To help with following up, I set reminders in my calendar. It helps me make sure to touch base with my friends on important days.
A long-time friend recently lost her dad, and I send her a text every week-ish. They aren’t all about her dad, usually it is a silly meme. But I don’t shy away from asking about her grief either.
Other friends lost their parents years ago, and I make sure to check in on the death anniversary and their parent bday to let them know I am thinking of them and their parent.
Anon
Is there such thing as too much therapy?
I have PTSD that was causing panic attacks and other issues, so I got on meds and went to therapy. I’ve been in therapy for several years now. We did prolonged exposure therapy, which helped me IMMENSELY. It truly helped me get my life back in a way I never dreamed possible.
But now I feel so much better. I’m kind of tired of viewing myself as damaged (and tired of others viewing me that way). Last week I went to my appointment ready for it to be my last when my therapist told me she thought I could benefit from a new angle. I don’t have many memories from my childhood due to the trauma I suffered. I honestly don’t mind this. My therapist, though, seems to want to help me remember more and wants me coming weekly and homework between the sessions, and I’m just not sure I need it anymore, even though my experience with life isn’t the norm.
Has anyone else been through this?
Anon
there is such a thing as too much therapy. i’d tell your therapist that you aren’t interested in working on this angle right now and want to take a break
Anon
I personally know some “too much therapy” people!
Senior Attorney
I agree.
Anon
A good and ethical therapist will have a point at which treatment tapers off (once every few weeks or months), or ends. If she can’t articulate a concrete time at which you are “done,” find a new therapist,
Also, some therapists are trauma voyeurs.
Anon
I recently finished the book Good Morning, Monster, written by a psychologist (therapist?) about five of her most astonishing and redemptive cases. These five people had experienced absolute horrors throughout their childhoods and into adulthood — everything you can think of, and more. That said, after about five years (maybe slightly more) she “graduated” them all. They had made such significant progress, that although they would always carry baggage, she felt they had outgrown her services.
This is obviously a third hand story, but I wanted to share as support that if you are feeling done with therapy, you very well may be! And it also doesn’t have to be forever. You can find someone else down the road if you feel the need.
Me
Therapists should work themselves out of jobs; you’re there for treatment and when treatment is done, you can be done. I say this as someone who told a therapist last week that I didn’t need my standing appointment anymore because we had addressed the issue that I came in for and I would let her know if I needed any future appointments. You get to decide whether you’re good with where you are right now or whether you want to keep going. And if you decide to stop but later wish you hadn’t stopped, then call the therapist again and make another appointment.
Anonymous
I agree. It sounds as if — even if you might benefit from more therapy — you’re ready for a break. I think it’s normal to feel more settled and then just live at that plateau for a while.
I also suspect (assigning her the best possible motives) that perhaps she has been treating you for the PTSD, knowing she was doing triage so you could stabilize, but that it wasn’t affecting the trauma underneath it, and that at some point the trauma itself would need to be addressed.
But it’s OK to be stabilized for a while, and it’s also OK to recognize a time in the future when you’re ready to do some direct work with the trauma.
Anon
My daughter went to a therapist for a while while she was in high school. Honestly, it was a bad friend group situation mostly, and when the friend group broke apart, she was suddenly feeling much better. She told me her therapist was basically “making up” new things to talk about, areas my daughter wasn’t particularly interested in. So I called the therapist (as the bill-paying parent) and asked if my daughter could drop down to every to every other week, and the therapist said “that’s not my business model.”
So kid and I were both like, ok then! We quit. Daughter has since told me how uncomfortable she became with the therapist over time – why does a therapist need to know exactly what sexual activity a high schooler has engaged in with her boyfriend? – which makes me so glad she quit!
Anon
Yeah, I’ve definitely reached a point before where continuing to talk about how depressed and anxious I was just made me more depressed and anxious.
Anon
Yes, absolutely. Therapy isn’t meant to be lifelong in most cases. If it’s not helping you, you can stop. On that note, I have Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy on hold at the library and I’m really looking forward to reading it.
Anon
Absolutely. A lot of people think therapy is the answer for everything and everyone but that was not my experience.
I have posted about this before, but I found that I definitely reached a point at which therapy was no longer useful and was just encouraging me to dwell on the past. I got tired of being a victim and constantly seeing myself through that lens. It was not fun to live through and I saw no point in re-living it on a regular basis. So I looked at myself in the mirror one day and said “enough. He got what he got of your life. He does not get any more.” And I stopped thinking about it. It happened and now it is over and I have moved on. It took a few months for me to learn to re-direct my thoughts but now it is pretty automatic.
This of course assumes that you are (relatively) fine and that your trauma is not impacting your life in ways you do not like or are destructive.
Best of luck.
Anon
I was in weekly therapy for 2 years including some EMDR, and then decided I was ready to stop. I was in a much better place. My therapist was surprised because there was still stuff to work on but quickly respected my decision and supported me. We had one nice wrap up session and that was that. That was 5 years ago. I’m happy I went to therapy and I’m happy I graduated myself.
Checkin checkups
This is a really great thread. I will add – as someone on anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, and ADHD meds – my therapist is a psychiatrist, and when doing well, I just see her for a 50-minute session med check and check-in every 3 months. We can decide then (usually I have already decided going into the session) if I want to see in the next month, or even more often, for a short period for like 3-6 months, and then go back to the quarterly check-ins.
I do remind myself (and my therapist!) that she’s done a good job and we generally like each other but we’re not *friends* and don’t need to “keep in touch” the same way you do with a friend.
best of luck.
Trixie
I believe that therapy, something that I believe in and have benefited from in my life, always has diminishing returns after a while. We do not need to explore every facet of our inner lives…if something needs to be explored, it will rear its ugly head and you will know there is something to address.
Winter
Sounds like a business development activity on the therapist’s part. Honestly, a different angle probably could have different benefits. But you engaged her for a specific matter, and she’s offering to expand her role. You can set the scope of the engagement. Ie, you hired a contractor to retile the bathroom. Sure, it would be nice to update the kitchen too, but that doesn’t have to be part of the plan.
Anon
If a group of students are creating an unsafe environment to the point where classes are moving online, those students should be expelled. There’s no question about that IMO. Their reasons don’t matter.
Anon
Nesting fail.
Anon
You get to define your goals for therapy. You also get to define the session frequency. The therapist can offer ideas for things to work on, but she doesn’t have to live your life the other 167 hours of the week.
An ethical therapist should be ok with you dropping the frequency waaay down, like monthly, quarterly, or yearly check-ins, once you are feeling better or have met the goals you originally went in for. And would welcome you back if you wanted more frequent session at some point in the future, assuming they can fit you in their schedule.
If you are feeling pressure to continue when you’re feeling “done,” then there’s a chance you are not with the right therapist at this time (not just that you’ve had “too much therapy”).
Anon
I find this situation at Columbia to be absurd. Even if the encampments are peaceful, the protestors have no right to be there. They have a right to their views and a right to express them, but just because there are parameters on where views can be expressed does not mean that the content of those views are being suppressed, it just means that the University is enforcing its student code of conduct, which all students agreed to when enrolling in the school. Hybrid classes is not a solution. Plus do all of these students just plan on skipping exams? There are students and families who’ve sacrificed a lot to be able to afford a college education and this is not that. The graduating class is the class who was sent home during spring semester of their freshman year.
Anon
It’s even worse…the current seniors weren’t freshmen at the start of the pandemic. They were seniors in high school in March 2020 so this is the second round of senior revelry and celebrations they’ll be missing!
Anon
If anyone is there, what % of students is engaging in problematic behavior?
I have already told my teens that the tuition checks stop the moment I find them out protesting or occupying anything. I am not slogging away in the salt mines for them to go to college in this manner.
Anonymous
Do you mean even participating in one isolated march/demonstration? Or do you mean ditching their classes and life in order to move into an encampment? I
Anon
Zero.
I think that with so much going sideways on social media, you don’t want to get swept up in something that spirals and gets ugly or is otherwise future–limiting to be associated with. Have an opinion, but keep your nose in a book.
Anonymous
I tend to agree. These days the physical and reputational risks of being present at any large political gathering, protest, rally, etc. are just too great. For one thing, what if you think you are going to a generic peace rally and it turns into an anti-[insert racial group] thing or even is wrongly portrayed as one, and then several years later someone finds a photo you’re tagged in and your job offer evaporates? For another, what if someone targets the peace rally with an act of violence?
Anon
I am not the anon at 3:18, but I did not raise my kids to support antisemitism, racism, islamaphobia etc. so any protest that is supporting any of those ideas i’d have a problem with. (i do not think all protests supporting the people of gaza are antisemitic, but the ones at columbia with people shouting things like “go back to poland” have reached that point)
Anon
Yes, I am very clear with my kids (as my parents were with me) that this education is a privilege and will be treated as such. If they want to attend a peaceful non-occupying protest at a time when they don’t have class that’s fine with me, obviously. However, anything disruptive or destructive would have consequences. The same goes for poor grades, skipping class, not doing HW, or getting in any sort of disciplinary trouble.
I was not a straight A student and I did my fair share of underage partying, but my parents’ rule was anything below a 3.0 or any disciplinary action and they’d “pull me out of that school so fast my head would spin”. If I wasn’t going to take it seriously, I could move home and get a job to pay my way through the local community college. For the record, my sister got straight C’s and that’s exactly what they did.
Anon
I agree with this. Those parents should pull their credit cards and get results. I don’t say this lightly, but only spoiled brats would shut down education like this.
Anon
To throw away something that so many people work so hard for is so inconsiderate and spoiled. I grew up in a family that wasn’t wealthy but highly prioritized education. We didn’t take vacations or buy new cars or have anything brand name so that my parents could help pay for the best college we could get into.
If these students don’t want the privilege of attending class then fine, they can be suspended. But don’t impede on innocent students’ ability to complete their semester.
Anon
I grew up in a wealthy family that could easily afford my tuition (graduated 20 years ago, so there is that). I always knew what a huge privilege it was to go to a top notch school and really tried to make it worthwhile. I studied, I took a second degree, I got internships, I give back to the university. When speakers whom I didn’t like came to campus, I found something else to do, and was happy to be at a school that attracted big names.
Anonymous
I have zero patience for students who walk out of class or colleges that shut down over issues that are not directly related to what is happening in the classroom. If a professor assaults a student and the administration refuses to fire the professor or something like that, then it’s appropriate for students stage a walkout. Otherwise go to class and learn so you can go on to a career that makes an actual difference in the lives of actual people. If you want to raise awareness of an issue, have a non-disruptive teach-in or concert or poetry reading or vigil at a time that doesn’t interfere with classes.
I say all of this as a person whose entire career has been spent in social justice work. No policymaker cares a bit about whether privileged coddled students are sacrificing their education to make a point about a cause.
Anon
Yes, I didn’t go to a college known for its activism and I also was in school in an era were there wasn’t much student activism (post Iraq war, pre BLM and Me Too). We had one on-campus instance of racism and there was a very, very peaceful rally one evening (after classes) on the main green. Pretty much everyone I knew was there, speakers were from every different group on campus, and luckily it was a very cut and dry issue that 99% of people on campus agreed. The perpetrators were caught and suspended. It was a campus issue handled peacefully on campus by student leadership, university leadership, and the student body.
That is very, very different than what’s happening now. I agree 100% that not a single policymaker is basing their policy off of a disruptive on-campus protest.
I work for the government in a very bleeding heart type job. These students should put their money where their mouth is and do something that’s actually going to get results rather than just ruin other students’ educations.
Anon
If I was a student there, or my child was, I would be LIVID that classes are now virtual. Your right to protest does not take away my right to attend classes in person that I’m paying a LOT for
Anon
Classes have a virtual (hybrid) option. They are not virtual for everyone. Stop spreading misinformation.
Anon
The reporting I’m seeing from reputable news sources is referring to the university holding “virtual classes”. My interpretation of that is that all classes are virtual and not hybrid; if classes are hybrid then the report would say that. Maybe the news is either being careless with its words or has a misunderstanding of Columbia’s current policy. Regardless, my information is straight from the news and if I have incorrect information that is my mistake but it is not intentionally spreading misinformation.
Can you please cite to where you saw that it’s hybrid and students have the opportunity to attend in person?
Anon
i will share a link, but it might get stuck in mod. “All faculty whose classrooms are located on the main Morningside campus and equipped with hybrid capabilities should enable them to provide virtual learning options to students who need such a learning modality. Faculty in other classrooms or teaching spaces that do not have capabilities for offering hybrid options should hold classes remotely if there are student requests for virtual participation.”classes were fully virtual on 4/20
Anon
https://provost.columbia.edu/news/guidelines-teaching-student-accommodations-and-staff-campus
Anon
yes and Barnard told professors “Barnard has long given faculty the discretion to assist students who are absent from class for any reason. Students may be absent from class because of an interim suspension or because they do not feel safe being on campus, and I strongly encourage all faculty members to provide students with maximum flexibility.” —why should students who violate the policies get the same privileges as those whose safety is threatened
Anon
+100 to your last sentence
Anon
I believe they were fully virtual yesterday, Monday 4/20 and now are hybrid or professors can decide what to do. in my opinion one day of fully virtual classes for this reason is one day too many
Seventh Sister
I’d also be worried about whether they will have an in-person graduation ceremony. When my kids graduate, I really want to be there in-person!
Anon
yes these universities need to treat the protests the same way they would treat them if it was a group of students protesting columbia blue. the actual content of the protest should not matter,* but the fact that they are violating the rules around protesting
(*I do personally think the content should matter in the sense that it is creating an unsafe environment for a group of students and that many of these protests have veered into extremely anti semitic territory, but I also understand that policing content is not a business any university wants to be in, nor is it one I think they should be in. I also do truly wonder if the students were all dressed like the klu klux klan the response would be the same)
Anon
If they were in KKK costumes, the encampments would have been gone yesterday. We all know that.
I’m really worried about the mob mentality echo chamber that’s causing educated students to screech “go back to Poland” at Jews. I find it fundamentally disturbing for our entire society.
Anon
Yeah I have a lot of friends who are culturally but not religiously Jewish, in NYC, and generally politically aware but not activists on any issue. They are afraid. And, sadly, they should be.
Its terrifying that protesters can’t differentiate between the acts of the Israeli military and government and Jews going about their normal lives not involved.
Heck, most of my Jewish friends are stuck in a situation of “I think Israel should exist and be allowed to exist without being attacked and if attacked should be allowed to defend itself like any other country” but also think that Israel has gone too far and are concerned for the lives and wellbeing of all involved: innocent people in Gaza, the hostages, and Jews around the world.
Anon
People protesting the deaths of Palestinians are NOT equivalent to the KKK. Come on.
Anon
People calling for the death or forced expulsion of Jews are.
Anon
the point is that it should not matter what they are protesting. if the university has a policy they should enforce the policy!
Anon
no one is saying that it is. what they are saying is that the university response should be the same no matter the content of the protests. this is how you show that you aren’t policing content and supporting freedom of expression
Anon
someone shared with me an email sent by the Barnard president, which I personally find absurd:
“…Many students who participated in the unauthorized encampment on Columbia’s campus on April 17 and 18 chose to remain in the encampment for over 30 hours even as they were warned repeatedly that the encampment violated multiple provisions of Barnard’s Student Code of Conduct. These warnings were based on the refusal to follow rules regarding safe demonstrations and the use of tents on the Columbia campus. The students rejected multiple opportunities to leave the encampment without consequence, and they remained after they received written notices from Barnard that warned that their continued participation in the unauthorized encampment would lead to interim suspensions and outlined the parameters of such suspensions.
The interim suspensions went into effect over the course of April 18 and 19. Students on interim suspension no longer have access to most Barnard buildings, but they may still use College services, including healthcare, mental health counseling, and academic support. The Dean of the College also has made food available to students on interim suspension and is helping students find alternative housing arrangements when needed. If you know of students who need additional support, please email deanofthecollege@barnard.edu.
The vast majority of the students on interim suspension have not previously engaged in misconduct under Barnard’s rules. Last night, the College sent written notices to these students offering to lift the interim suspensions, and immediately restore their access to College buildings, if they agree to follow all Barnard rules during a probationary period. If these students choose this path, neither the interim suspension nor the probationary period will appear on the students’ academic transcripts and these sanctions will not become part of students’ reportable disciplinary records barring a finding of responsibility under the Student Code of Conduct for future misconduct. The remaining students on interim suspension have previously received notices regarding misconduct, and the College is committed to addressing these situations quickly yet thoughtfully through our conduct process.
Students remaining on interim suspension may not physically be on campus, but Barnard professors may permit them to attend class via Zoom and otherwise complete work remotely. Indeed, Barnard has long given faculty the discretion to assist students who are absent from class for any reason. Students may be absent from class because of an interim suspension or because they do not feel safe being on campus, and I strongly encourage all faculty members to provide students with maximum flexibility.”
Anon
So this is the weakest disciplinary action of all time.
Anon
I think one of the issues as to why these protests have gotten so out of control is that this generation is so rarely actually held accountable. What impact do you have if you give students multiple, multiple warnings to disperse and then move to suspend them and then give them an option to not be suspended and then for those who are suspended you provide them with resources to still attend class, get meals on campus, have alternative housing?
I really hate to be the young millennial who looks down on the next generation but WTF!
Anon
Exactly. That response from the school is so wishy-washy and weak – it’s like the admin is afraid of students. I guess it is.
Anon
So essentially a university has adopted permissive parenting.
Anon
LOL! So true
Anon
💯
Anon
It’s not just Columbia either. Seems to be spreading –
https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2024/04/gaza-solidarity-encampments-columbia-college-campus-protest-palestine-israel-how-many-protests/
Anon
i tried posting an email sent by the president of Barnard, but am stuck in mod. It encourages professors to be flexible with all students, included the suspended students. pre-covid Zoom classes weren’t really a thing so suspended actually meant suspended. students who violated the student code of conduct should not be treated the same as those who did not. they are also being given the chance to have their suspensions immediately ended and stricken from their records if they agree to follow the policies during a probationary period. the email also mentions how these students were given multiple warnings over the course of 30 hours. so basically the consequence to these students is nothing, other than agreeing to follow the policies they already agreed to follow and were given multiple warnings about
Anonymous
Do you have a source for this?
Anonymous
I am so proud of what the students are doing and the support they are getting from faculty. Columbia has a long tradition of student protests, and it is shocking to me that this one is being handled so poorly by administration. The genocide in Gaza needs to end, and I admire these young people for prioritizing this issue over things like a nice graduation ceremony.
Anonymous
Do you think Columbia can end the genocide?
Anon
+1
Zero percent chance this is going to change anything. If it’s not going to change U.S. leadership’s minds, it’s sure as heck not going to change Israel’s leadership’s minds.
Anon
Fine if these students don’t want to walk at graduation in protest but they have NO RIGHT to cancel the graduation celebrations of other students.
I’m pretty middle of the road on this issue: I think Israel has gone too far but I think a reaction from Israel was very much merited. In an ideal world, the war would be over tomorrow but that would require good faith efforts for peace from both sides, which I don’t see happening anytime soon, sadly.
Anon
This is where I land too. But I am also shocked at the blatant antisemitism of these protests and I find that really concerning on a local level.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
It isn’t a genocide. It’s a tragic war with immense civilian casualty. Hamas is the only actor that has pledged (and only exists to) commit genocide against Jews.
Anon
Its like people forget that Israel is fighting a war against a TERRORIST ORGANIZATION
Look – I think Israel has gone too far and I want the innocent civilian casualties in Gaza to end ASAP but let’s not forget who started this
Anon
Unpopular opinion around here: Oct 7 did not “start this”. This conflict has been ongoing for 80 years, and the Palestinians in Gaza were being held in a prison for years. When a population is treated as subhuman, it is bound to revolt. Of course Hamas is a terrorist organization and Oct 7 was an atrocity, but it’s not like Israel was sitting there minding its own business this whole time. They have been encroaching on and taking over Palestinians’ homes, all while cutting off Gaza from goods and services, for decades.
Anon
Hamas is the elected government of Gaza. Their stated aim is the elimination of all Jews worldwide. Israel maintains a secure border with Gaza. Egypt also does.
Why aren’t you critiquing Egypt for holding Gazans in prison?
Oh wait, they’re not Jewish.
Anon
I’m of the opinion that both sides are in the wrong, but that Israel should exist and has a right to defend itself. Israel’s historic treatment of Gaza has not been good. Hamas is a terrorist organization that has no right to exist. Oct 7 was wrong. I feel for the hostages and their families. I also feel for the innocent civilians in Gaza. Israel is not being careful enough about collateral damage and as a result innocent people are suffering. The war should end and there should be consequences for both sides. But, Israel should exist and has a right to defend itself. Even if it “provoked” Hamas into Oct 7, it still has a right to defend itself.
As a loosely Episcopalian* American, the concept of any war or violence over people not being able to coexist (whether it be in the Middle East or in Northern Ireland during the troubles or wherever) is mind boggling to me.
*I used to just say Christian, but over the past few years I’ve felt the need to make it clear that I’m Episcopalian so as to not be associated with some other types of “Christians”
Anon
I’m continually perplexed by the phrase “has a right to defend itself.” It sounds euphemistic and like it’s fighting a straw man (who ever said that anyone couldn’t defend themselves?). As a rejoinder to claims that literal war crimes may be being committed, it genuinely sounds like Newspeak to me. If you’re saying that Israel isn’t doing specific things it’s accused of, say that. If you’re saying they have a right to do these things… how can you characterize them as defensive?
Anon
Yah, Israel shot the hostages who escaped while they were carrying a white flag…so they have apparently been giving orders to commit war crimes
Anon
I believe Israel has a right to legally defend itself and I also think it has likely committed war crimes, pending official investigation.
Shortly after Oct 7 there was a lot of chatter from protesters that any action taken (aka defending itself) by Israel being immoral or illegal – since in their mind Israel should not exist they somehow arrived at the conclusion that Israel should have not responded militarily to Oct 7.
Or, there are those who are okay with the existence of Israel but think that since its historically been an “oppressor”, it should have accepted Oct 7 without fighting back or defending itself.
I don’t agree with everything Israel did pre-Oct 7 and I don’t agree with everything its done since, but I fully believe it should exist and it should defend itself when attacked.
Anon
There still needs to be an investigation if Israel is committing war crimes or if one off individuals in the IDF have committed war crimes. That’s an important distinction.
If a rogue individual commits a war crime, that doesn’t mean it was sanctioned or ordered and thus may or may not mean Israel is committing war crimes.
anonshmanon
this whole argument that Hamas is the elected leadership of Gaza, even though it’s been 18 years since their last election, makes very little sense to me. Putin was elected and keeps getting reelected, but I don’t think we collectively blame Russians for the war. Hitler was elected, only 6 years before starting WWII.
Anon
anonshamon, People aren’t blaming Gazans for electing Hamas. People are saying Hamas is a government and should be treated as such (like Putin and Hitler), and not like a rogue terrorist org who can’t be held responsible for their behavior.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
i think it is sad that someone like you exists in the world. a group of students do not have the right to not follow the policies and ruin things for everyone else. you think Israel should be held accountable for its actions, but not the students or faculty?
Anon
+1 to your last sentence
Anon
If you are proud of people yelling at jews to “go back to poland” and chanting for the abolition of Israel (not critiquing Israel, calling for its actual abolition), you are anti-semitic and so are those protestors.
I hope they suffer immense professional and personal consequences, as I would if they were wearing KKK masks chanting racist slogans.
Anon
+1000. You’re antisemitic. Own it and begin questioning your life choices.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
It’s not a genocide. Civilian death in war is often terrible and worth protesting over (Vietnam, etc) but it isn’t genocide. Words have meanings.
Anon
This. I used to study genocide and this is not it.
Anon
This. Totally fair to say Israel’s killing of civilians is morally wrong or even rises to the level of war crimes, but I immediately tune out anyone who calls this a “genocide” because it’s deliberately inflammatory rhetoric that has no basis in fact.
Anon
I’d love to know how many of these protesters are using their privilege to do good beyond this. Are they volunteering? Planning to go into a helping profession? Or are they doing this just because its the trendy thing to do?
Anonymous
I don’t know what any of these kids will end up doing, but my uncle dropped out of an elite college in the 60s to protest, returned to finish, and then started a nonprofit that continues today to be extremely impactful. He has risen to high levels of leadership on a critical poverty/human rights issue and served in local government. Sometimes commitment is real.
Anon
I think it’s so telling that these groups aren’t protesting the poor treatment, slaughter, or torture of other groups. Where are the protests to boycott everything made in China over its treatment of the Uyghurs? Where are the sit-ins at GOP members’ offices for holding up the vote on aid for Ukraine? For all the talk about the border, what are people doing to make the lives of the migrants waiting there more humane? Where are the marches for justice in Tigray? What about the justice for the women in Afghanistan who are now under Taliban rule again?
First of all, as a humanitarian it breaks my heart that these causes aren’t getting the attention and outrage they deserve. While I no longer work in humanitarian aid, the field is still very near and dear to my heart and it does kill me that there isn’t adequate attention to these victims.
Secondly, the fact that this war and only this war has spurred such massive anti-Israel protests shows me that antisemitism is at the root of at least some if not most of these protests. If it was truly about the people of Gaza, there’d be massive protests in support of the US taking action against China for its treatment of the Uyghurs too.
Anon
I couldn’t agree more. The virulence of these protests has a strong underpinning of antisemitism. I think some of the protesters don’t consider themselves antisemitic but they also have no problem standing alongside people who clearly are. It would be like going to a Trump rally and holding hands with David Duke but saying you personally aren’t a white nationalist.
Anon
Yup.
Anon
I’d bet that half of the protesters can’t even tell you where Tigray is or pronounce Uyghur, and both of those situations have been going on way longer than the Israel-Hamas war. Obviously, we are all allowed to have our own causes of interest, but the double standard is blatant here.
Anon
Yep, this is exactly what bothers me about it.
I have very mixed feelings on the war itself (Israel has a right to defend itself, Hamas is a huge problem, Israel could absolutely do more to mitigate humanitarian consequences of rooting out Hamas, etc), but the fact that these same protestors were calling for a ceasefire the day after October 7th, before Israel had even done anything, makes it pretty clear to me this isn’t about the humanitarian issue at hand.
Anon
Exactly. There are certainly some people who didn’t start speaking up until many months down the line, but it’s a joke to pretend that those who were calling Hamas glorious on October 8 and protesting Israel were saying anything about its actions in Gaza. They revealed their antisemitism a little too quickly there.
Anonymous
Does anyone know where I could find an outdoor vest with a hood? I found one at Amazon but would be open to something like Lulu or Athleta. Size 16.
https://www.amazon.com/BALEAF-Womens-Lightweight-Running-Sleeveless/dp/B0CCF7S94Z/ref=pd_ci_mcx_mh_mcx_views_0?pd_rd_w=vTrWd&content-id=amzn1.sym.8b590b55-908d-4829-9f90-4c8752768e8b%3Aamzn1.symc.40e6a10e-cbc4-4fa5-81e3-4435ff64d03b&pf_rd_p=8b590b55-908d-4829-9f90-4c8752768e8b&pf_rd_r=DX39GG1DE2T7T970JZHZ&pd_rd_wg=DaHmh&pd_rd_r=d1b921ea-8f60-45b5-a4bc-c09adcaf31fe&pd_rd_i=B0CCF7S94Z
Anon
LL Bean: https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/121518?page=primaloft-packaway-long-vest-misses
Anonymous
https://shop.lululemon.com/p/jackets-and-hoodies-jackets/Wunder-Puff-Crop-Vest/
https://www.zara.com/us/en/ultralight-water-repellent-hooded-vest-p05992709
https://www.freepeople.com/fpmovement/shop/happy-camper-vest/
Anon
On sale at Eddie Bauer, limited sizes.
Anon
I had an hour between appointments this mid-morning and I made this. It’s really good. (gift link)
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020754-spicy-white-bean-stew-with-broccoli-rabe?unlocked_article_code=1.mk0.BuFu.CaUqjqpfhG2Q&smid=share-url
I’d probably skip the preserved lemons and just use fresh lemon juice next time but it’s really good. Somewhat spicy, a little bitter, and rich from the white beans. I used two cans of beans because that’s what I had and it’s fine. I think my bunch of broccoli rabe was extra large.
I did use the cilantro, soft boiled egg, and feta cheese to top my bowl. YUM
Anonymous
Thanks! I have all but the broccoli rabe in my fridge, and that is on sale at my grocery this week!
Yuto
Speaking of unique jewelry options, I recently came across http://www.ivyandmiles.com and was impressed by their selection, especially their range of non-pierced earrings.