Coffee Break: Mai Kitten Heel Pump

We featured the black version of this Calvin Klein kitten heel in our recent roundup of comfortable work heels — it was one of the low-heeled options that wasn’t pictured, so I’m featuring it today. It’s perfect if you mostly wear flats but might want to wear heels with a dress to get a sleeker look, or want to elevate your height a tiny bit. (Of course, if you’re more comfortable in flats, you should wear them!) This “rose quartz,” is such a fun color, and the light blue is lovely, as well. The shoe is $109 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 5–11. Mai Kitten Heel Pump

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Comments

  1. Anon Needing Help :

    Somewhat frequent poster, going Anon. I posted in the friends thread but I figured this would be the more appropriate place for feedback.

    I feel trapped in my life and I don’t know what to do. I recently got married (not the reason why I feel trapped) so I feel like if I say I’ve been sad lately, people will assume its my marriage; it’s not. However, my husband has to work out of town several days a week and often works really late so we are not home together very often. I’m pretty independent and have lots to occupy my time but it is still hard because it feels like we have to maximize time together and there’s a lot of pressure to have fun when we are together, when usually both of us are just exhausted from our demanding jobs.
    I won’t even get into the stressors of his job, but I work in law and I’ve been told I’m on partnership track and I would imagine it would happen in end of 2019/2020. I can handle the workload itself fine, but I feel this immense pressure to work a lot all of the time to prove myself and I’m exhausted. Last year I was seriously contemplating leaving my job because it was just so depressing to me to feel like there was an axe hanging over my head at all times (my industry is pretty ruthless). I can’t pinpoint what it is, it’s just this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and always worrying if I make a mistake that will be it, no partnership for you, that has slowly worn me down. I feel like the weight of it all is crushing me slowly (i.e., it’s not one big file that’s killing me…it’s death by a thousand cuts). I feel like my quality of life has gone down each year while most people I know are buying houses and saving, etc., even though we do have money to do these thing we can’t because both of our jobs are in limbo (my partnership track, his trying to work closer to home) both with respect to salary prospects and location, which makes buying or stepping up our lifestyle hard knowing these things. We moved recently and the place we picked feels like a massive mistake because it’s’ a marginal upgrade at best and I’m tired of living in places that don’t feel like ‘home’. We did this to further save money, but to what end? I feel like I’m chasing goals and saving and being responsible all while it’s breaking me down. If anyone is familiar with the ‘marshmallow experiment’- I often say to my husband “where is the effing marshmallow” because there’s only so long I can deal with delayed gratification. I just sat down at home and cried and am wondering why am I so miserable?
    I would love, and have wanted, an extended break from my job for quite some time but it doesn’t fit with the story of ‘you want to be a partner’. Again, I think I would enjoy being a partner and I honestly do enjoy my work and don’t find it to be too much, yet I also feel so burned out I just want to escape. It’s hard to balance these two thoughts in my head, and to others. I sometimes wish I could get mildly injured so I don’t have to go to work and no one will judge me and I won’t be seen as ‘weak’. How do I ask for some time off and also say ‘but I want to be a partner”? They seem to be incompatible. I’ve seen so many friends burn out of the lawyer life in the last few years and I guess maybe I’m doing the same, however, I don’t think another job will be all sunshine and roses so looking for something new (which has not been fruitful so far) doesn’t seem to be the solution.
    I have had these thoughts for a long time and I guess I’m wondering what suggestions people have. I really just want to be happy and optimistic again instead of always feeling like I have to get through another hurdle in the struggle of LIFE, and then maybe i’ll be happy. Basically, I want to be happy now, and I don’t know what to do.

    • Start with taking a 2 week vacation ASAP. I suggest going somewhere you can disconnect and enjoy some nature (hiking in the mountains, lounging on the beach), but if that’s not your thing, whatever you find relaxing. Finding what makes you happy isn’t easy or straightforward and it’s probably not your job, IME. I suspect finding happiness will take you much longer than 2 weeks, but at the moment it sounds to me like you really need some peace and quiet.

    • Anonymous :

      I think you may need some combination of counseling, a vacation, a sabbatical from work, intentional scaling back at work so that you are only prioritizing what is absolutely necessary, scheduled events with the husband, scheduled personal time, a small or limited budget to make upgrades to your living space so that it feels homey, a plan for deciding whether or not you want to quit, a do-able job hunting plan, a budget for frivolous things that you give yourself permission to spend, and quality friend time. Also, superficially from your post, I’m not sure you do want to be partner… you may, but it is ok to not want to be in that rat race too.

      • Do you know anyone who has taken extended time away from an associate position who is ‘on the path to partnership’? I ask because it seems really uncommon and that it might mean the end of my job at this firm, which I’m not really willing to commit to at this point in time. I otherwise agree to what you are saying I just don’t know how to do it without permanent repercussions.

        • Anonymous :

          Yes. It extends the path by a year or whatever and you have to justify why you need the time off, but yes, though i agree that it is difficult, unusual and may have greater repercussions for women. But i think you should consider it. What about a secondment? That would get you out of your current office even just temporarily and clients love it.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to all these. But especially the question about whether you really want to be partner. It sounds like you have wanted it in the past and all your goals pointed toward it, but you aren’t finding the actual lifestyle that enjoyable.

        Let me ask this: when you get partner, then what? If that’s the marshmallow, will it actually satisfy the things that are missing in your life, or will it block you from having the time to enjoy life? You could get 20 years down the road and never yet have had time to look around for or enjoy the marshmallow.

        BUT… I say this being in a very low-paying job. I am however, deeply satisfied both in what I am doing and in who I am. I don’t have a lot, have some financial insecurity, and do not have an impressive job title, yet…I’m eating the marshmallow.

    • Anonymous :

      Ditto the other two posters. Take a vacation. ASAP. “Oh, but XYZ… I can’t get away.” Nonsense. Your firm and your clients will absolutely get along without you.

      • +1. You sound like you are makeing a cry for help and support from the HIVE, and we are here for you! Yes, I agree you need to take time off, ideally with your new hubby, if he can get away, which the answer should be YES. After 2 weeks away, you can regroup and rethink your situeation, but I think it will be positive. You should go to a place which is really away, like a Dude Ranch in Wyoming or something like that, where all you see are cattle and horses. You should bring your cell phone, but leave it in the room and ONLEY check it at night. Do not do work related emails, just personal stuff. You can shop on line but even this should be limited. My dad says I need a vacation, and I agree, but I have no husband (or boyfreind) to go with, so I am limiting my time off to long weekends with Myrna or at Margie’s where the manageing partner often is there, but he is really more like an uncle then an employer. In your case, enjoy your time away, and let us know how you are doing (AFTER you get back!). YAY!!!!!!

    • I’ve felt similarly and could have written this a couple years ago; know you are not alone.

      What really helped me was anti-anxiety medication. I was on it for about a year and it just helped me reset because I felt like all the little things that were building up had in fact built up into a giant boulder that was crushing me. But the medication helped lift that weight and allowed me to develop some better daily coping skills. It may not be the same for you, and obviously be smart about it, but that’s my personal experience.

      What also helped was making an effort to care less—especially caring less about hours and relatively small mistakes (lord knows I’m still billing plenty, but I’ve given myself permission to brush it off if I have a slow month). And, if you’re working at a spot where you think one mistake is going to derail partnership, maybe you should be working elsewhere. Or, take a hard look at whether that is really the case and try to actively stop yourself from exaggerating in your own thoughts. Also, I’m not sure any of the pressures you describe above will actually get better if you make partner (they probably won’t), so figuring out how to best deal with your stressors now (via therapy or whatever) is probably smart.

      It also seems like it may be useful to accept that you and DH just need chill time, not “fun” time. I think that will generally come with time, but maybe you and DH can actually designate a morning where you sleep in, do a brunch at home, and watch movies.

      One other thought: sometimes you have to just live. Get yourself some mini marshmallows. Though this is an extreme example: you could die in a year and all this would be for naught. Money is no good unless you spend it. Now, you can still be wise, but non-ironically, YOLO.

    • Hugs. You need a break. If you’re on the verge of partnership in 1.5 years now is a good time for a longish vacation. Then stop and think : do you still want this goal(partnership) or are you just so used to being goal driven that you don’t know when to realign towards something new. Talk to your husband. What do your ideal lives (work and personal) look like in the near and distant future? Is your current goal compatible with that?

      Finally, big picture. You sound like a talented driven person with a big future in a happy marriage. Sky’s the limit, friend. Put the tough days in perspective, use them as irrefutable evidence that burnout is real and take care of yourself going forward.

      • I was going to say something similar. I’ll caveat by saying I’m not a lawyer (but I’m friends with several IRL), but it sounds like you need to think long and hard about what kind of life do you want. If/when you make partner, you likely still won’t have much of a life outside of work. Do you really want that? You’ve thought you always wanted that, but do you really?

        Internet hugs. You sound very conflicted, and I’m sure that’s really hard. You’ll get through this.

    • Lots of thoughts on your post and so little time to respond. First, you sound completely normal and describe EXACTLY how I would feel in your situation. Next, if it is truly important to you to make partner as a life-long goal (It sounds like it is, and I can see why this would be true.), then you may want to consider sticking it out until that happens. However, you must understand that it may not actually happen when promised since some firms delay awarding partnerships simply based on economics.

      I’m lots older than you (49) which provides the perspective of seeing how many successful people have managed their lives over the years. The other approach is to think very critically about what you truly want to do and simply abandon the notion of making partner. Law schools really program people to believe that partnerships in “good” firms are the only way to go, but I have watched amazing former colleagues of my husband run for offices, continue their educations to teach, go to work for the government (as judges, for the state dept, open businesses and sorts of things that do not seem directly related to law. I hear you on the delayed gratification. I felt like my husband ALWAYS had us living below the means of our peers while I suspect our combined income was about 50% higher than our average peers. It helped that we were always able to find really beautiful, interesting places to live but we were still living in smaller and less traditional choices than our 30 year old friends buying and totally gutting “forever” homes. Ten years into the marriage, we bought and renovated a large home on an acre lot, then moved across the country and bought an 80 year old Tudor. I’m sort of over houses now in a been there, done that sort of way. We now live in a townhouse with a teenager in a great school district with wildly convenient commutes. But, I learned that it is critical to make the places I live pretty perfect. I go ahead and buy the new appliances, redo kitchens and bathrooms, etc.

      I identify with exactly how you must feel but looking at your situation as an outsider, I actually see a lot of positives – you have savings, you are close to making partner if you want it, you are married to someone you like, etc. Because you are delaying gratification, you are creating far more possibilities for your future than you have otherwise. I suspect the only thing truly making you feel trapped is your job, which is admittedly a lot to give up. I’m not a lawyer, but have followed my husband’s career to three cities and each time, I felt OVERJOYED that I had an excuse to walk away from high stress, prestigious accounting positions. How sad is that? I mean, I could have made a change but also worried people would think I was “weak.” Fwiw, I’ve also fantasized about needing minor surgery to get a little rest.

      The one thing I regret is not seriously exercising in my youth. I was naturally thin so it did not really seem necessary, but I embraced regular exercise in my 40’s which provides me with a sense of well-being that is hard to describe. That’s my last piece of advice. Getting control of this one aspect of your life will be more meaningful than expected. Get a trainer for 45 minutes twice a week, and add at least three days of cardio. If you are like me, it has to happen very early in the morning or it simply will not. Commit to this strictly for six weeks and see what happens.

      Good luck.

    • E Rock from the Block :

      I highly recommend checking out this article and asking yourself some of the questions the writer mentions.

      https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2018/07/15/the-12-hidden-crises-working-women-face-and-where-they-come-from/#38b559da7e6d

    • I’m sorry you are feeling like this. I can relate somewhat. First, though, I think it is totally fine to not do “fun” things when your husband comes home. Just hang out on the couch together, take a slow walk around the neighborhood, order take-out. And spend a little of your money to make the new place feel like home. Nice furnishings can go a long way in an otherwise lackluster house.

      On the job, I left private practice last year after 7 years as an associate and now work in government. I knew I was stressed and could not keep up with the hours and spend as much time with my kids as I wanted. I knew I was stressed. But I didn’t know how stressed until I got out of it. It was unbelievable. I would go to work, and work at a non-stressed pace, come home and not think about work. No one was emailing me. I did not have numerous clients and partners to please. I did not have to worry about getting in an hour of work after the kids went to bed. It has been glorious. But it did come with a pay cut. It was totally worth it, though, and I wish I had done it a few years ago. I had been hanging on at the firm because that was my original goal during law school – work at firm and become partner. I had a hard time admitting that I did not want to do that. Once I made the change, I saw how ridiculous that was! People change jobs all the time. I am so glad that I did.

      • anon for this :

        Saying out loud that I don’t want to be on that partnership path has been both liberating and terrifying. Trying to figure out what the next move is.

    • Anonymous :

      Have you seen a therapist to explore treatment for anxiety and depression.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you build more things that bring you joy into your calendar? Toss money at it if you need to. For me that’s always having one fun thing planned for the weekend, taking time to go to the spa, taking walks in the park near work to lift my spirits, downloading a mystery I want to read and chipping away at it, etc. To find the time, I do a review of the non work tasks that are stressing me out and engineer as many fixes as I can — Instacart, a laundry service that delivers, a personal shopper, whatever, so I’m only doing things I either have to do personally or choose to because they are relaxing.

    • Of Counsel :

      This hurts my soul! (I have been there and I have seen so many other associates there.) This is painfully common. I used to daydream about minor auto accidents!

      In the short run, I highly recommend you schedule a one week vacation, with your if he can make it and alone if he cannot. The first week of September would be perfect since Labor Day means you would only be missing four days instead of five; but that might not give you enough time to clear your calendar. Go somewhere completely relaxing where all you need to do is sit on a beach (or under a tree) with a cold drink and a book (Less by Andrew Sean Greer would be my recommendation). During your vacation, set aside one hour a day (set a timer) to deal with anything critical/return client client/respond to client emails. Mid-afternoon is best. If that is just not possible (you know your client’s -internal and external – best), try one hour first thing in the morning and one hour in the late afternoon. A week long vacation should not hurt your career prospects. Two weeks would be better, but that is virtually impossible in the legal profession unless you are getting married.

      If this is really, truly not possible (and I mean really truly), schedule something for Labor Day weekend and try to take either the Friday or Tuesday off. Stay in a resort with a spa, turn off your phone/do not log onto work email. Plan the Thanksgiving trip mentioned below.

      Find a psychiatrist NOW and see about Xanax or some other anti-anxiety drug for short term use. The goal of both of these things is to get room to breath and feel like you have control over your life.

      While you are on vacation, sit down and create a five year plan. Identify what makes you happy, what makes you unhappy, and your goals. If you need to spend money for something that gives you joy, DO IT. As someone posted above, being responsible is a good thing, but life is short and with no guarantees. Also, schedule another vacation the week of Thanksgiving. Everyone is gone; it is only three business days. That is a wonderful week to take off. It will also give you something to look forward to.

      Good luck.

    • It sounds like you are in a soul crushing job, and your personal life isn’t helping you feel supported either.

      What is the point of having a high-powered job if you hate your life and feel anxious all the time? The big question is – will it get any better if you make partner? This is what you really need to consider. This is the issue on which all other considerations depend.

      Lots of people have challenges finding new jobs, but you sound super talented and have a financial cushion, so you aren’t really stuck if you don’t want to be. It’s scary and confusing to think of change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. People get laid off all the time and are forced to make a change. They don’t even want to do it, but they have to, so they do. You could manage it as well if you set your mind to it.

      I think you just have to decide what is best for yourself and then identify small action steps to get there. Counseling could help you with this, along with talking to long-time friends who know you well, or knew you well in the past. Go to coffee and open up to someone for real, or take a long walk with your husband and lay it out there! Sometimes it helps to talk to a friend though. A little distance from the situation can help people see more clearly.

      And i don’t think exercising or throwing money at your problems is going to fix a problem this deep.

  2. San Miguel de Allende? :

    Any favorite recs for San Miguel? Spending 3 days there next week, and we cannot wait! We love art, food, walking, history, shopping (especially for art and home decor), and dessert.

    • Elegant Giraffe :

      :D :D No specific recs because it’s all great! I haven’t been in several years but I remember we went to several very nice and very good restaurants. If you love art, food, walking, history, shopping, and dessert, you’ll have a blast!

  3. Housecounsel :

    Pretty sure my Barbie had shoes just like this.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      These shoes are hideous. And I suspect that they are also really uncomfortable to wear as a lot of your body weight will be resting on that tiny heel because they are so low. Hard pass.

      • Agreed. Just because a heel is low doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. These look both fussy and painful.

    • Anonymous :

      Yeah they look fake!

    • I mean, I’ve gotten much, much more liberal about what I consider work-appropriate attire as I’ve gotten older and worked longer (I was just so much more worried about it when I was just starting my legal career in my late twenties and now, meh, not so much) so I say this with a great deal of guilt but…I would seriously judge any woman I saw wearing these in a professional environment. These are neither sensible or particularly interesting or fun. And the Barbie comparison is right.

      I have nothing against a statement shoe – I love them actually – but this shoe is not a statement that I would want to make.

      • Anonymous :

        Hm I wear coral and pink shoes all the time in my biglaw office. I don’t think it looks juvenile if done right. Typically a gray sheath, black or white blazer, pink necklace or earrings, pink shoes. I wear a lot of coral with blue/turquoise in the summer, usually with a white blazer.

        I don’t wear kitten heels, though. They’re somehow harder to walk in than regular heels. I’m most comfortable in either flats or heels around 3″.

        • Never too many shoes... :

          I think both of those outfits sound great. It is not the colour of the shoes that is the problem, at least not for me. I think pink shoes sound great with the outfits you describe. I have a pair of kelly green suede pumps that have been surprisingly useful.

        • I don’t think its the color that’s the issue, just that these shoes look super ugly and impractical.

        • Anonymous :

          I don’t think it’s the color. It’s the color AND the patent leather AND the pointy toe AND the ridiculous heel. There’s just a lot of AND there. The color on it’s own is enough a statement that the rest of the shoe/outfit needs to be pretty unremarkable as balance.

    • Anonymous :

      These would make such great flats! It’s a shame they ruined them with that heel.

    • Anonymous :

      Wow, a lot of hate for one pair of shoes. I adore kitten heels, they look like I am wearing pumps but are super easy to commute in.

  4. End of Internship thank yous :

    Tomorrow is the last day of my internship in a state government office.

    I was planning to send thank-you emails after I left but is there anything else I should do? Handwritten cards for a few people? A small gift for my immediate supervisor – what would be appropriate?

    • Anonymous :

      Nooooo, nothing. The internship is not a gift. Your colleagues are not your teachers. I would stop by everyone’s office to say bye, maybe email them bye and try to keep in touch with the people you want to continue to maintain a relationship with.

      • Anonymous :

        Disagree, especially if this internship is basically a long job interview. It’s appropriate to send a thank you/good bye email to folks you worked with. Just like you would with your interviewers.

        Don’t gift up though. My summer associate class gifted to the staff summer associate coordinators – idk if there’s anything similar in your job? I also gave my secretary a small Starbucks gc.

    • I think handwritten notes are always good (especially if you are younger and you work with people who are older generation). The only issue with those is that you have to be careful to send them to all the right people so no one feels “left out.” Doesn’t mean everyone, but use your judgement. Other option is to only send a card to your supervisor (and maybe 1-2 mentor-like people).

      Don’t get your supervisor a gift.

    • Mrs. Jones :

      IMO thank-you emails are sufficient.

    • Anonymous :

      No cards or thank-yous, say goodbye in person and remember to bring people’s contact info with you in case you need a reference.

      • A summer intern in my government office just left. He handwrote a thank you note to the entire office and left it next to some amazing sweets in our break room/kitchen in the morning. Then in the afternoon he dropped by the offices of people he personally worked with to exchange contact info. We all agreed this was a stellar goodbye: the gourmet donuts were awesome and the drop-ins were personal yet professional.

    • Anonymous :

      Gifts don’t flow upwards. Don’t get your supervisor a gift. A thoughtful message (could be in an email, it doesn’t really matter) is way better than a gift.

    • Anonymous :

      No gift! Inappropriate to gift up. They should be giving YOU a gift/card to say thank you and goodbye.

    • Anonymous :

      I work in a state government office. My last intern wrote me a very sweet thank you card and also brought fancy donuts and coffee on her last day. When she actually left for the day she went around and said good-bye to me and to the couple of others who she worked with (I was her direct supervisor). She sent a nice thank you email to the whole office. It was all very well received.

    • Horse Crazy :

      I work in a state government office. Just write a nice card – I never expect or want my interns to give me gifts when they leave.

  5. I find kitten heels (particularly super-low kitten heels like these) to be the least stable of all shoe options / prone to twisting an ankle. Same weight distribution as a flat, but none of the heel stability.

  6. Going off a comment on this morning’s thread: anyone want to share wedding guest (or bride, or groom) horror stories?

    Some people in my family are being mildly irksome right now, and I need a laugh… and to be reminded that it’s not actually the Worst Guest Ever behaviour.

    • Outing myself here :

      Not exactly what you are looking for but………..I had a guest at my wedding choke then go into cardiac arrest during the reception. My sister and my best friend’s husband had to resuscitate him. Soooooo, serve them steak and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be rid of them forever?

    • Equestrian Attorney :

      – my husband’s uncle asked to bring a “date” 3 days before the wedding. The date turned out to be the family priest. They were apparently hoping he would perform a blessing to save us from the stigma of being heathens who did not marry in church. It did not happen.
      – my husband’s cousin made a scene about how her 3 year old (1) does not eat chicken, hamburger or macaroni (our three child menu options) and (2) absolutely needed milk, not water or juice. Of course I had to go buy milk and ask the venue to store it in their fridge on the day before the wedding. Thankfully the venue agreed to serve him risotto from the adult veggie option without a surcharge. Of course on the day of he discovered the wonders of juice and my milk was returned unopened the next day.
      – Two people (friends of my dad who I did not want to invite but did because business relations) just bailed on the day of. No note, no call, no excuse, nothing. They did send a gift though…
      But, still the best day of my life.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Ugh, people bailing. DH’s aunt and uncle bailed the day of. We knew there was the possibility they might not come, but no notice they weren’t coming, they just didn’t show up. Nor did they send a gift or acknowledge the fact they missed it. Had two others who rsvp’d yes bail, but they at least told us a day or two before.

      • sheep jump death match :

        Kinda bummed that your uncle’s date with the priest was not their SPECTACULAR family coming-out party.

    • Anonymous :

      My then-BF’s BFF (who was also the groom’s brother) went into a drunken rage and screamed and cried at me for stealing his BFF away. He also threw things, broke a bunch of stuff in the venue, etc. It was toward the end of the night but plenty of people were still there, including BFF’s/groom’s parents. The parents and the couple got mad at me for antagonizing him. I was literally just sitting there eating cake when all of a sudden something went flying by my head… I didn’t even realize he was screaming at me at first.

      BF refused to drop BFF. So I dropped all of them. I’m sure they still tell stories about the harpy who ruined their wedding.

      • Good for you. Who needs a BF who gets drunk with his freinds and then bad mouth’s you? There are so many other ways to get s-xueal pleasure that you don’t need a drunken BF who, like my EX, probably would not even satisfy you anyway after the wedding, being the drunken slob that he is! FOOEY on him and all men like him! We can all find satisfaction elsewhere, trust me!! YAY!!!

      • OMG! Very glad you broke up with the BF who condoned this BS. This sounds horrific.

    • Anonymous :

      My husbands cousin brought her 4 kids unannounced (we had an adults-only wedding and the children were not invited).
      My grandmother b!tched about everything and didn’t say one nice thing to me the entire day (eg “congrats” or “you look nice/happy/etc”). We served Cesar salads and she reamed out a waiter who told her they didn’t have any veggies (like tomatoes) to put in the salad. Sadly this behavior is not out of character for her at all. We no longer have much of a relationship.
      Surprisingly all of the guests who RSVPed yes showed up, but we had a really hard time getting RSVPs out of some people.
      I’ve only been a bridesmaid for my BFF and she was the opposite of a bridezilla so no crazy stories from that. Her wedding was very disorganized though, which was stressful.

    • – Two guests (friends of my parents) picked up their escort cards, took the table numbers off them, and then just went to a totally different table and claimed they were assigned that table … which already had the correct number of people at it, so the venue had to scramble to get them chairs, etc. It was pretty weird.
      – Love her to death, but one of my good friends arrived late, but before I had walked out. There was some confusion, and they were directed to take a long route around back to get seated (outdoor wedding), when suddenly the music started playing and my dad and I started walking out. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the wedding planner directed them to hide behind a tree. So in a few of my photos, if you look hard, you can see them sort of peeping out from behind the tree. I think it’s hilarious.

    • One family member behaved rather poorly towards me – shouting at me, steamrolling me on plans, attempted to impose some really whacked out plans on us – so I said, calm down and back off or don’t go.

      Now sides have been taken and other family members are refusing to participate. They are complaining about missing one single measly day of work for travel to my city. There are complaints that I am not providing them an entire weekend of entertainment. I’m sorry, but if you flat-out refuse to be in the wedding, don’t sneer about the expenses of rehearsal night dinner and pre-wedding breakfast.

      I was broke as broke can be and hopped on a plane, twice (destination shower), took unpaid time off work, and donned a bridesmaid’s dress for her wedding. Now my own wedding is an imposition.

      Not the worst thing ever, but it’s just asinine.

    • Anonymous :

      My mother crashed my rehearsal dinner. She had been invited, but told me months in advance she did not plan to come. So my dad decided to bring his girlfriend. A few years ago when dad and girlfriend first got together, my mom stalked this poor woman and she threatened to take out a restraining order. My mother was wise enough to take the threat seriously and back off. They had not seen other since those incidents, until my mother showed up at my rehearsal dinner with literally no warning.

      I drank a lot at that dinner.

      • — My dad complained to me on that Monday that one of his friends had passive aggressively showed up at his office with a gift for me and that he (my dad) was so upset I hadn’t let him invite the guy. Not only was the guy invited, he RSVPed. So, he no showed, forgot about it, then guilt tripped my dad about not inviting him.

        — My sister in law forgot her bridesmaid dress in another city and realized this at the rehearsal dinner. (She got it by the wedding.)

        — Four members of my husband’s family are Orthodox Jews. It was very important to my husband that we accommodate them at our wedding since he wanted the kids in the family, his cousins, to be able to attend. So, we literally chose our wedding date keeping them in mind– the last day of daylight savings time so that it would be sundown before the ceremony. We also made sure to pick a menu that had kosher items and the venue also had kosher meals, etc. None of these people came to the wedding.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Shortly before we were married, my husband’s financial advisor set up a meeting to talk about managing my assets, then when he actually showed up and looked at my portfolio, he informed me that my assets were far too meager for him to waste his time with.

      Apparently he realized that was a bad move, because AT MY WEDDING he cornered me and said “I hope you weren’t upset about our meeting.” Really? At my wedding? Insult, meet injury.

      Anyway he doesn’t handle Lovely Husband’s money any more, either…

    • MOH felt she was assigned to the wrong table of wedding party guests (one table of wedding parry person+dates on either side of sweetheart table, full of a mix of people from all segments of our lives – college, childhood, siblings etc. there was no obvious grouping that should have happened IMHO). During my father’s roast, during which he’s talking basically directly to me, she’s quite literally going “hey… psssstz heyyyy!” Trying to get my attention to tel me about her unhappiness with the assigned seat. Then, still mid speech/toast she gets up and switches table, kicking SIL and her date out of their seats for a quick little switcheroo. All of this in the front of the reception area, during the speech/toast, while also trying to talk and complain to me about it the whole time. We’re not that close anymore….

    • Anonymous :

      DH’s brother was the best man and did a 45 minute power point picture presentation with mostly pictures from their childhood. Did not tell us in advance. Nightmare.

  7. Anonymous :

    My husband and I recently had dinner with his colleague and his wife who just adopted a newborn baby. All three of them (husband, his colleague, colleague’s wife) are quite reserved so I was struggling to keep the conversation going and asked them some questions about the adoption process (when they found out they were getting this baby, what their travel to/from the birth mothers home country was like, why they chose to adopt from that country in particular) as well as lots of typical “how’s life with a new baby” questions (is he sleeping, what cute stuff is he doing, etc). I did not ask why they adopted or if they were unable to conceive themselves as these are obviously sensitive subjects. They seemed happy to talk about the adoption process but when we got home my husband told me he thought I was being rude and prying by asked questions about the adoption. Thoughts?

    • Did he say why he thought that was rude? Like did he get the impression they were off-put by it or something? I don’t know that I would definitely think the questions you describe are rude in all circumstances, but maybe your husband knows this couple better than you and was picking up on some discomfort from them. Just in the abstract it doesn’t sound rude to me but some people are more private than others and might’ve found it intrusive I guess.

    • Yes, here’s my thoughts: If your husband wanted to change the subject, he could have. Small talk is small talk. This is not your fault. You are not a prop whose job is to carry the weight of all the conversation–your husband is more than welcome to chime in to talk about the weather, the local sports team, your upcoming holiday, etc. Also…tell husband you’re not going to any more work functions if he won’t talk but then blames you for ending the awkward silence by making conversation not about topics of his choosing. Sheesh!

    • I’m an “ask questions” person too and I probably would have done the same thing. Sometimes I do wonder if I ask too many questions – my in-laws in particular were always very private people and I always felt that my attempts at conversations were invasive. But I like people and I have a natural curiosity about them. Perhaps your husband is a more private person and projecting his own sensitivities onto his colleague? Carolyn Hax recently answered a reader question about the line between nosy and expressing interest, which I thought made a lot of sense.

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-a-non-answer-answer-to-name-change-inquiries/2018/07/24/0f42cbba-8ba3-11e8-8aea-86e88ae760d8_story.html?utm_term=.2816454dbabc

    • Anonymous :

      It’s only prying if they make it clear they don’t want to answer your questions but you keep asking anyway. I agree with the others, if DH thought the couple was uncomfortable then he should’ve changed the subject.

  8. Identify this hairstyle! :

    I’m doing my own wedding hair, and I found this style that I really love, but I can’t find a how-to and I can’t seem to replicate it. I’ve been trying different iterations of a rope braid, French braid, or waterfall braid into a half-hour style, and none of them make the same edge-cross-over look (idk how what to call it) that this style has. I also can’t tell how the middle part is fastened with the flippy-ness to it. Are there a ton of pins in there and that’s the trick?

    I’m usually pretty good at different braids on myself so I feel really stuck that I can’t figure out how this one was done.

    Suggestions? Either how to better find instructions or can anyone tell how it was done?

    https://goo.gl/images/i6RSNs

    • Check out Missy Sue’s YT channel. She may have something similar. Well, it is likely she does.

    • Anonymous :

      Its not a braid. The center section is a ponytail that is flipped over on itself.

      Link to follow

    • Anonymous :

      See this link for video
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMuelfgUo30&ab_channel=MakeupWearablesHairstyles

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