This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
You know… sometimes it's just kind of fun to go to a store's website and pretend that a fairy godmother would whisk you away and then, BOOM, new shoes. I was in a funk the other day and decided to play this game, and I think these would be my choice.
(These beautiful purple/blue/white pattern ones are also VERY high up on my list, but something about the pattern reminds me those beautiful pysanka eggs, and now I can't unsee that, alas.)
But: This heel has a gorgeous, rich color that is versatile yet fun. I'm not usually a buckle person, but this week, on these shoes, I am. And the skinny heel looks graceful and lovely.
The shoes are $775 at Bergdorf Goodman. FYI, Manolo Blahnik offers this particular style in a range of colors, heel heights, and mules as well as the pumps pictured here; you can find them at Bergdorf, Saks, and Nordstrom.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
nuqotw
I love these! Too bad I cannot balance in anything remotely stiletto-ish.
No Face
I love them too. Don’t feel like wearing shoes like this anymore, but I’m happy to look at them!
Anon
I got an e-mail just now and it made me chuckle. Nothing about the e-mail was funny. But when I was a kid, I was used to visuals out of Boris & Natasha. So I read “Svetlana” as “Sveltelana,” which made total sense in my mind. I’ve never stumbled and said that out loud, but my mind still reads it that way, decades later.
Anon
I thought Stylevana was Svetlana for an embarrassingly long time.
Senior Attorney
You say “reminds me of pysanka eggs” like it’s a bad thing…
Anon
I’m waspy, so the term is new but OMG so gorgeous. I have my next spring craft project ready (and I can do with my crafty kids and post obnoxiously about it on FB). But seriously, do hobbyists do this? Do mortals do this but poorly?
It is like the non-bedazzled Fabrege eggs, no?
AIMS
The trick for mere mortals is stickers or ‘egg sleeves.’
My non-crafty mom’s secret for Instagram worthy Easter eggs..
Anon
Most people have painted wooden eggs that they pull out every year.
Anon in LA Area
I’m in LA and a few artsy friends and I get together each year or so to do Psanka eggs. Mine are horrendous but theirs are beautiful (I’m good with fiber not paint).
Anonymous
Reposting from this morning and hoping for a few more responses – thanks to those of you that did respond!
I’m considering a career shift and would like some advice on which industry or companies would be right for me. I’m currently a master’s-level policy researcher at a policy consulting company with a focus on health and healthcare projects. My degree is in public health. I generally like my work, at least on the better projects, but I hate billing and the hustle to be fully staffed. I also don’t feel challenged or like my work is valued (at least at this company). In thinking about what I want and how I work best, I’m considering whether switching to research in academia, government, or a non-consulting think tank would be right for me. I’d be interested in exploring the intersection of health and national security/intelligence – think pandemic risk research, research on the connection between poor health conditions and extremism, etc. I thrive on digging deep into an issue and preparing detailed issue briefs and presentations to drive decision-making. Something like RAND looks appealing except for the consulting/billable factor that I’m trying to get away from. Anyone have better ideas? I live on the West Coast and would prefer to work remotely if I can, but I want to keep every option open right now and even consider big shifts like the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. Would love any intel on that in particular…although now that I think about it, there’s no way I could pass the medical with my autoimmune history :(
Anon
Maybe this answer is too obvious, but is there an “in-house” version of what you do? If you like the substance of your work but want to get away from billing and finding project coverage, can you find a role that uses your skillset in an organization that isn’t client-facing? I don’t work in public health, but here is my best guess on industries to explore: hospitals, health-focused tech companies, pharma, health insurance, nonprofits, local/state/federal government.
Also, have you considered getting a PhD? It could be a good fit for someone who wants to dig deep into a specific issue. You would, of course, need to do your due diligence on where most program alumni end up–academia, government, industry, etc.
Anonymous
Yes, I think I do want to go “in-house,” so to speak, but I’m having trouble finding the right type of organization. I think that HRSA or CDC might be the right fit, but I’m also curious about whether I could find opportunities at the State Department or private-sector think tanks that aren’t on a consulting model. PhD is definitely on the table too :) Thank you!
Horse Crazy
Favorite comfortable sports bra under $50 for large chests? I’m a 40DD-ish.
Anon
I don’t know about the budget but Elomi makes the best sports bra for larger band/ larger cup sizes.
Are you sure of your measurements? If so, you can order on Amazon and they usually have deals on certain color/size combos.
If not, please check redd1t a bra that fits. If you turn out to be a smaller band size/larger cup, which it seems most women discover when they go through the process, then you’d have more options in brands like Panache and Freya.
Anonymous
Panache sports bras comes in 40DD!
Anon
long comment in m0d
Elomi
abrathatfits on redd1t
Ribena
Shock Absorber Multi Active/ Multi Sport. And second the recommendation to check your measurements
AZCPA
The Amazon Syrokan bras are amazing and most go to a 40E. My current fav is this one:
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B08LYNSKVL/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
Oooh that color is so pretty. I love the patterned ones too.
Anonymous
I am dealing with a family situation and I would appreciate an outside perspective from people who don’t knows us/aren’t invested in this. I would appreciate hearing what you think.
My sister is divorcing her husband of 15 years. She moved in with her new boyfriend about 2 hours away from here and transferred to a different office from her law firm. They have a 14 year old daughter. I don’t have kids and she is my only niece/nephew and for years we have had a standing date every 2 weeks where we spend time a few hours together. I’ve continued this over the last month and a half since my sister moved and filed for divorce. I haven’t commented on the divorce or what is going on to my niece other than to tell her that her parents will always love her and so will I. I don’t want to meddle, it’s between her my sister and my brother-in-law. My sister has only seen my niece once since she moved. She is upset with me for spending more time with my niece then her. I think it is her choice how much time she spends with my niece and I’m not doing anything different than I haven’t done for years. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I have a good relationship with my brother-in-law and my niece. I want to continue to have a good one with my sister. I understand she might be stressed but I don’t know why she is upset with me. I don’t want to cause a fight and want to approach this calmly and neutrally.
Anon
I don’t think I’d even respond to it. I’d just keep doing what you’re doing. I wouldn’t wade into commenting on her commitment to motherhood or anything, but if she presses it, I’d say you and niece enjoy spending time together and you don’t see why your schedule needs to change. At 14, your niece is also old enough to choose whom she’d like to spend time with.
Anonymous
I’m definitely keeping my opinion on my sister’s actions to myself. I don’t think it will help my niece or my sister if I get into it right now.
No Face
Your poor niece! Please continue to honor your standing date, or even make it weekly. Never say anything negative about either parent, but listen with a kind ear if she wants to. Your sister can feel however she wants about it, but your niece is at a vulnerable age facing a major life disruption without any say in the matter. She probably feels like her mom abandoned her. The last thing she needs is to feel abandoned by her aunt too.
Anonymous
I have told my niece we can see each other more as my work and her schedule allows. She is my only family besides my parents and sister and I love spending time with her. I think I’m going to find out if there is any specific she wants to do and look into doing that. Thanks!
Senior Attorney
I feel like it would be a kindness if you could open some space for your niece to talk about the divorce with you. Maybe ask some open ended questions like “what’s it like for you?” I feel like it’s the elephant in the room and ignoring it seems weird to me. I do agree don’t get in the middle — encourage her to talk directly to her parents about whatever issues she is having.
Your sister is trash and her opinion doesn’t matter. Uh, I mean don’t engage when she tries to pick a fight with you to ease her guilty conscience.
Anonymous
I do appreciate your comment Senior Attorney. I do give an ear if she wants to talk. I just don’t badmouth or second guess what her parents are doing (I keep my opinion about my sister to myself). My brother-in-law has enrolled my niece in therapy and my niece said she wants to go. But I’ll keep in mind what you said and make sure I’m open to her. Thanks!
Senior Attorney
Sounds like the adults in the room (you and BIL) are doing a good job!
anon
As usual, Senior Attorney is spot-on.
Anne-on
This (and uh, agree on your sister making some questionable judgements). The best thing you can do is to be a continued stable presence in your niece’s life. Maybe even see if she (and her parents) would be open to you taking her for a long weekend/week over the summer to give her a chance to have a neutral ground and some time away.
Anonymous
That’s a good idea. I would to have her for a week. Thanks!
anon
This. Being a stable presence in her life is SO valuable, I cannot overstate it. My parents separated when I was 14 and I remember feeling so adrift and overlooked during that time. (They had not been happy for a while so it wasn’t a huge surprise or disruptive from that perspective.) 14 is such a weird time for most kids. It felt like they had no bandwidth left for me and because I was pretty self sufficient at that point and not causing trouble, I was just on my own. It would have been amazing to have a consistent, supportive adult presence. I guess looking back I had two people like that for short times–a summer camp counselor and a track coach, so not even that deep. At the time I was so comforted by their basic interest in my emotional health and in me as a person and I still remember my relationships with them today as some of the safest and most positive experiences I had.
Anonymous
Your sister is in the wrong here. In my opinion, she is in the wrong on a bunch of things I won’t address but are obvious, but I am completely aligned with you that she has no grounds to suggest you spend less time with your niece because she chooses to be spending less time with your niece or grounds to be angry with you over the current imbalance. Talk about selfish and self-centered. There are valid reasons for people to be upset in this situation and this is definitely not one of them.
Anonymous
Does the sister have the legal ability to see her daughter more frequently if she wanted?If so, then I would remind her this is a regular routine that is providing some stability for her daughter and that it is also affording another opportunity for her to hear how the girl is coping with change and showing her that family bonds are still strong. If the mom can’t have more access, you may be treading on tough territory where this isn’t so much about your niece as it is about where sister loyalty lies. If that’s the case, I’d focus on assuring her of the strength of your relationship together before discussing your niece.
Anonymous
She only left a month and a half ago, nothing has been finalized and there is no custody mandate from the court yet. She is the one who had an affair, moved 2 hours away and is choosing to spend her free time with her boyfriend instead of my niece. I agree it would be different if she was legally prevented but there is nothing stopping her besides herself.
Anonymous
I don’t have kids so IDK if you should bring up the divorce with the kid because maybe that does put you in the middle or maybe she does go back and say — yeah well Aunt X said you did Y. BUT I do think you should NOT change the standing date. It’s bad enough her mom left, but if because mom left her aunt who has always been involved leaves too, then she’ll wonder if her relationship with you was ever “real.” Like did you hang out all those years because you wanted to or you felt you had to because your sister was in town and now with the sister gone it’s like see ya at Christmas kid. You have the chance to be the one constant in her life which at 14, she needs. It sounds like dad stayed which is good but she’s a young teen, she probably needs/wants a woman around too.
Anonymous
You can’t. Sorry. Your sister is determined to make this a problem. Just keep doing what you’re doing and ignore her.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry this is a terrible situation, no advice just commiseration. I similarly find it challenging to address irrational adult emotions.
Anon
Your niece will benefit a lot from maintaining the routine that she had up until two months ago. The fewer things that are disrupted, the better. Your niece is already hurting; she does NOT need to hurt more, wondering if her aunt doesn’t like her anymore. Communicate this to your sister, calmly but with no room for dissent.
I will also say that as the child of very difficult parents, it hurts that my relationships with their families are strained because of their behaviour. My father is extremely verbally aggressive, has an interesting relationship with the truth, and the fights with his sisters, brothers, and parents were so bad that they stopped talking to him and, by, extension, his adult children. My mother enjoys controlling access to people and does her best to play gatekeeper of family interactions, and also has an interesting relationship with the truth. My aunt/godmother once told me that she loves me but that my parent is so bad that she doesn’t want a relationship with me.
Do not let your sister do this to your niece. If you and your niece get along, your niece is 14 and old enough to have her own independent relationship with her aunt. That’s just the end of it. Please do not let your sister think that she can grant or deny you permission to spend time with her almost-adult kid.
Friday
Help me pack for Tahoe? We’re going at the beginning of August. It’s hot and humid where I live: so I need sweatshirts for the evening? What’s your favorite lounge wear atm?
Anon
Hot during the day, cool at night but probably not cold. A couple of zip up hoodies would probably be ok.
My favorite loungewear is Soma (tops and pj pants) that I wear around the house and maybe into my backyard, but I wouldn’t go the store in them, so it depends on what you mean by loungewear.
Horse Crazy
It definitely cools down at night, no matter the daytime temp. It’s also frequently breezy in the afternoons/evenings, so absolutely bring a sweatshirt for the evenings. Also bring hand lotion and chapstick – I always get sooooo dry when I’m up there.
Target’s Stars Above line has some great cozy sweatshirts.
anon
Also it might rain, so a light windbreaker.
Anon
A Uniqlo puffer vest, yoga pants, zip up hoodie, birks, and a t-shirt will cover you in most situations. Toss in shorts for day and jeans when you want to be fancy.
Anon
Ahh Manolo Blahnik.. I felt like the world had moved on to Christian Louboutin but I’ve always loved Blahnik’s designs better.
It’s all fantasy shopping for me but they’re so beautiful.
Anon
I feel like CL shoes are for for insta-influencers and people who want to be seen in noticeably expensive shoes. I feel like Blahniks and Jimmy Choos re for real women who are particular about their shoes. I am still in the “I can’t have nice things” phase of life (like I could ruin with a sloppy lasagna session), but I’m game in theory.
Anonymous
Your assessment is exactly correct. CL is not worn by people who care about style.
Anon
I’m a Ferragamo woman myself, but my cobbler told me that CL is the worst made shoes in the luxury market.
Anon
Parkinsons help? A relative in slow, hidden decline had a mental decline that became noticeable right before COVID lockdowns started. This woman was like a second mother to me and I stayed with her for most college breaks because my home was so far away. She is too ashamed and nervous to talk on the phone anymore, but her husband tells me that she likes seeing the pictures of me and my kids that I send. She no longer drives or cooks and her weight, while always slight, is down to around 90 pounds due to . . . a variety of things. I don’t know what to expect upon seeing her again (I can drive to her town in 5+ hours and I think she’d open the door to waive, but is not up to a visit), now that I’ve gotten all of my COVID shots. I will probably be a weepy mess (not in front of her or her husband) and I probably won’t bring my kids (who will remember her as I do, much younger). She is only 70 (and women in my family routinely live into their 90s). IDK where to start to learn more about this horrible disease. They are in a small town, but have been able to go to either Duke or UNC for specialized care, so I don’t think that there is an issue of “is this really Parkinsons.”
Sunshine71
So sorry to hear about your relative’s Parkinson’s. I wish I had more positive things to tell you, but it’s a horrible progressive disease. My grandmother had it for many years; she was diagnosed in her 60s and lived with it for a little more than 25 years. Not that it matters much but the mental decline may be related or it may not be. Many Parkinson’s patients are on numerous strong prescription meds and if those aren’t fine-tuned, they can lead to symptoms that look like mental decline. My grandmother never really had a mental decline, it was the physical symptoms (tremors, stiffness, inability to perform daily living activities) that were most troublesome.
If you are looking to be supportive, maybe send letters, cards, pictures. If you were closer by and she would allow it, you could relieve her husband and care for her for a few hours each week. Do they need help with household stuff and if so could you send in cleaners, caregivers, meals, etc.? Help to research care options, adult daycare, etc. if she needs/wants it? Also support her husband because as I’m sure you know, being a caregiver is supremely challenging.
My thoughts and sympathies are with you and your relatives.
Anon
I have a friend with Parkinsons and she is unable to eat because her jaw is locked shut from the disease. I believe she is tube fed though still going out and about. The disease is absolutely terrible. In my friend, it made her appear as if she had a stroke. Her face was uneven and her speech garbled. Her brain is still all there and she posts witty things on FB and uses a typing device to communicate in person.
Anon
Oh I’m sorry. I just remembered that my friend has ALS not Parkinsons.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I have a much milder and more common diagnosis that is sometimes a misdiagnosis of the early symptoms of ALS. Through support groups I’ve therefore met some amazing people with ALS over the years; it is an incredibly cruel disease.
Anon
I’m so sorry your family is going through this. I believe there is a Parkinson’s Foundation. For many conditions, foundations can be good sources of information for friends and family. You might start by reading their public pamphlets and then consider calling them to speak with a volunteer. The volunteers I’ve spoken with at similar associations have been very worth talking to. I could say a lot of the same things that Sunshine71 said about Parkinson’s as I’ve witnessed it, including about examining the possible role of medication side effects in mental decline.
Anonymous
Posted here a few times but going anon for this. I’m related to someone who is an 1L and I found out she skipped OCI. She is at a T14 with a partial scholarship. She is volunteering at a non-profit for the summer and working a non-law night job. She plans to skip next year again, would you advise her not to skip? Or am I off base? [For context I graduated law school in 2018 but I wasn’t accepted into any T14 schools and I am working biglaw but not in the market I want. I don’t know it this is clouding my judgement]
Cat
what does she plan to do for a job after graduation? OCI is basically the only way the Biglaw hiring cycle works.
Cat
I should clarify. OCI is usually late summer or early fall (after your 1L year) to find your 2L summer associate position — which in turn is where the vast majority of new grads start their legal career. So although it happens fast, that OCI is super important if you want to start your career in Biglaw.
If you have no interest in Biglaw, then OCI isn’t particularly helpful as I don’t think anyone but firms participates.
Anonymous
She wants to work at a non-profit. The one she is at now can’t afford to hire anyone which is why she’s volunteering but when it comes to after graduation she’d choose another non-profit. I’m concerned she is missing out on other opportunities, or a chance to pay her loans faster but I do understand she can make her own choices too.
anon
Late, but I’ll add my perspective as someone who was more or less in your cousin’s shoes. If she wants to work at a non-profit, OCI is likely not going to help her reach that goal and may hinder her. Non-profits like to see commitment to the cause, and experience. On the other hand, she needs to realistically assess her likelihood of getting paying employment at a non-profit of her choice upon graduation and think about what will happen if she can’t. Many non-profits are very, very competitive. It’s not wise to bank on working for the ACLU. If she’s thinking about a DA’s office or legal aid type org, she’s got better chances because those are not necessarily as competitive as orgs geared towards impact litigation or policy development. Likewise, is she open to a wide range of locations? If she’s got resources so that she doesn’t have to have a living wage upon graduation then she may be able to swing working for free/part time for an org that will eventually hire her on full time. This was how many of my friends managed to successfully get permanent non-profit jobs from my T-20 school during the years following the crash. That might be a conversation worth having (but only if you actually know anything about it), but just pointing out to her that OCI/big firms exist isn’t going to be that helpful and may come off as patronizing/condescending. She’s at a T-14 with a scholarship. She knows about OCI and big law.
Anonymous
Did she ask for your advice?
Anonymous
I would bet good money the answer is no. I have a similar older cousin who went into the corporate world after school, I went into non profit, then subsequently government. She spent years giving me unsolicited advice before I eventually snapped and told her I valued being a good person above a big paycheck.
Cat
um they aren’t mutually exclusive but hope snapping made you feel better…
Anonymous
My cousin was an executive at one of the world’s top polluting mega corporations at the time. So in this case it was a valid criticism.
Anon
Oh, come on. Not every last person who worked for Monsanto or Enron were bad evil people. Think about it. The janitor? The facility maintenance person? The accounts payable clerk who was a single mom and kept her head down and did her work?
Anon
The janitor and facilities maintenance people were likely contractors!
anon
If your relative wants to work for a non-profit, then she should focus on those opportunities and not OCI. In my experience, the 1L OCI wasn’t that important, but that could be clouded by the fact that it was 2008 and there were no 1L summer jobs in Biglaw. The 2L OCI was more important if she might want to work for a law firm that interviews there, but she has a year (and a whole summer in non-profit world) to decide that.
Ano
Skipped OCI as in declined to sign up for OCI at the end of the summer after her 1L year, or as in is doing non-firm work for her 1L summer? Almost everyone I know at my T14 (graduated 2015) did public interest work the summer after 1L and took the small, but livable, stipend. Not doing the big OCI right before 2L (so, hiring for summer after 2L) is rarer but for people who want to go into public interest work after law school, also totally fine. It is a way to show your commitment to public interest work and make connections to hopefully get hired. Everyone I know who did that is working in the field of their choice (AUSAs, public defenders, pro bono attorneys at nonprofits, etc). It is more stressful because you are job searching during 3L while those at firms already have their offers set, but it’s definitely not a problem provided that she wants to end up in public interest work.
Anonymous
She just finished her first year of law school and this summer she is doing unpaid work at a non-profit because she skipped the OCI for 1L’s. She is also planning to skip the 2L OCIs next year and spend her 2L summer doing volunteer work again. She doesn’t plan on working in biglaw or at a firm but I’m just a little worried she is missing out on other opportunities by skipping.
Pompom
Gently, it’s not up to you. She knows what she wants, and is appropriately pursuing it.
Anon
What opportunities do you think she’d be missing out on? The whole (only) point of OCI is to get a job at a firm. If she’s not interested in that why would she do it?
Cat
+1
Anon
Original responder here: skipping 1L OCIs has zero effect on whether or not she ends up at a law firm or not. All of the people I know who are senior associates at big NYC/DC law firms right now did an unpaid internship after 1L. Skipping OCI this year and doing another unpaid (or paid! My current nonprofit pays summer interns, they exist) internship is 100% the path she should take if she doesn’t want to work at a firm – she should find an internship in her area of choice and make those connections. I am sympathetic to your POV, as someone who was more public-interest minded but did OCI and spent 3.5 years in Big Law after law school. It was sometimes fine, sometimes miserable, but I socked away a ton of money and it set me up well financially to be able to find the dream job I’m in now while being able to buy property. No regrets – but also my public interest-minded friends have no regrets about their paths. Let her make her own decisions, it sounds like she knows what she’s doing.
Anonymous
I’ve had a government attorney career, and have many friends with law careers in government or public interest law. None of us did OCI. It didn’t even occur to me to do it. This might sound crazy but there are life paths out there other than Big Law.
anon
+1 to this and I’m a partner at a big law firm
Anon
+1000. I work in policy. My unpaid nonprofit and government internships got me where I am today – an amazing job that I literally daydreamed about when I was a girl. I skipped OCI because I knew I never, ever, ever had any interest in traditional law firm practice.
Anon
Different answer, why say no to the opportunity before it’s presented. I think she should do OCI and make a decision after she’s talked to firms and gotten an offer. If she’s going to school without any debt, different answer, but nonprofit and government jobs can be harder to get and often prefer big firm training. I think it’s short sighted to eliminate opportunities at the outset.
Anon
This is such a lie that biglaw attorneys say. I don’t know a single nonprofits that prefers biglaw experience, and most of the big ones look down on it. Government is completely indifferent to it; they hire biglaw alums, but that’s largely just cause those are the people applying who went to top schools. They don’t prefer it. Biglaw associates just tell themselves this so that they can defend going into private practice.
Anonymous
+1 I used to hire for a non profit, and big law experience was not a positive. Positives are experience at other NGOs, government, legal aid, etc.
Anonymous
Do you feel like when you talk to your family (not spouse but more like parents, siblings etc.) they ALWAYS play devils advocate to ANYTHING you say? I mean anything from news to a story you’re telling them about work or your kid or something you did with a friend. News – ok it’s possible they read something different from a different source. But lately it’s been about my work (which they LOVE to bring up as they are workaholics) and it’s like WTF?? So if I say a policy makes no sense or someone did something that makes my life harder, then it’s like oh they did it because of XYZ — totally made up, totally inaccurate, just “defending” the other person/policy and somehow “justifying” on their behalf. And I’m left being like WTF do you know these people, why do you care so much about strangers rather than your own daughter/sister’s views? Is this just my family?? They weren’t sociable to begin with and I wonder if sociability has declined because of the pandemic year at home.
Anon
My sibling is like a telenovela of drama. She can’t just go on an interview, she goes on an interview with IDIOTS (but, lady, that is who will hire you or not — I hope you didn’t eye roll your way through it). It is like the world is in a conspiracy against her. I realize that she never wants anything but 100% affirmation.
Anon
Don’t talk to them about big problems. Talk to them about little problems. You: “The forecast says it’s going to rain tomorrow but I really wanted to get my car washed today.” Them: “You know it’s only a 60% chance of rain, right? And furthermore, washing your car just before it rains isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
Find someone else to talk about big problems with.
Totally this is my life!
Yes, with my senior Boomer dad and my adult brothers. The pandemic year has seen us spend more time together, which forced me to realize that anything I say will be questioned.
For example, the men in my family love to talk about real estate. But when I state a view, they always present the counter-view as better authority – either personal or something they read somewhere.
Since 2008, my job has been buying real estate – mostly on behalf of one of the most valuable companies in the world. I have closed hundreds of transactions, worth billions of dollars, in dozens of countries, and have done very well for my own property purchases. But my dad, a retired elementary school teacher, is positive he knows better than I.
It is hard. I need to put up with it for now but I look forward to getting out of their sphere one day. Like on the other side of an ocean.
Anonymous
They suck. I don’t think they’re being devils advocate, they’re just being argumentative jerks. I’m sorry, this sounds exhausting. Don’t talk to them about things that are important to you, they sound like perfect candidates for an information diet.
Anon
For me if people are doing this to me, it’s partly that they feel I’ve been being negative. They’re not really defending the other views, but they are opposing what they feel is a broadly negative or critical outlook from me.
Anon
I don’t know if I am looking for advice or commiseration or what… My husband has one of those jobs that just… it sucks up your entire life. It’s a job that means you miss vacations, you miss family events, but you absolutely passionately love what you do and it also compensates well. (And… please don’t tell me ‘this is what you signed up for’ because we met before he was in X school and it was initially ‘well, I’ll just do the crazy job until I make Partner/Attending/until the IPO’. Except then he loved it and was very good at it.)
I understand that (unlike a shocking number of people suggest), I can’t ‘make’ him change his job. I do have control though – I can stay or I can go. But… I don’t want to get divorced. I want more time with this person. I want more of him – not less. I want him to have more time with my kids, not less.
I mean, I feel like at this point my choices are to quit my job (which I don’t want to) or… I don’t even know! Today something really minor happened. Like, REALLY minor with no long-term consequences except for a slightly disappointed kid who will be fine in a week. But I lost it because I realized – it’s not that I FEEL like everything is on me, everything is ACTUALLY on me.
What I really want is him to just… find a different job that lets him have a life. Yes, he will take a 50% pay cut and yes, he will probably not ‘love’ it… but I just want him to do this. And today I’m sad that he talks about considering it but in reality I need to recognize that he won’t. And it’s not like I can stop handling things because it’s my kids who will miss out.
I don’t know. Today I’m really sad.
Anonymous
I think quitting your job is the worst idea listed. Go to therapy. He has time. Figure out how to communicate this to him.
Anonymous
I couldn’t stay with a person who doesn’t value time with his wife and family enough to see that this is a problem that he wants to change himself. And for me, if I were seriously considering divorce, I wouldn’t quit my job, I’d tell him what you told us: that you love him and want more time with him, but that you need more from him (to find a job that gives him more time w family) and if you can’t get that, you have to divorce.
Anon
This is ridiculous. You do not have to divorce because your spouse is passionate about what they do. OP may have to compromise somewhere and spouse does too, but this is no way is a must divorce situation.
Senior Attorney
Oy. I’m sorry!
It seems obvious you’re not going to get what you want, so you are just going to have to decide whether this is an acceptable Price of Admission to being married to him, or whether it is a Dealbreaker.
That said, have you actually sat him down and told him how unhappy you are? I do feel like it’s worth ONE conversation to see whether there’s any room for him changing jobs. If you’ve done that, then see above.
And also? Maybe some therapy for you to help sort this out?
And also also? Maybe if you stay, and DEFINITELY if you quit your job, I’d seriously consider negotiating an ironclad postnup to make sure you will be protected if his eye wanders during all those long hours at the office and he decides he wants out of the marriage.
Senior Attorney
And also? ALL THE HUGS. Nothing worse than being lonely in your marriage.
Anon
Thank you. For a long time I’ve acknowledged this as the Price of Admission. Most days, I can make my peace with it.
Today, it’s hard to be at that place.
FWIW, in therapy, I’ve really explored this and landed at the fact that there are so many positives about my husband… the negative is that his job itself is all-consuming (and statistically, it’s a job with a really REALLY high rate of divorce). What I worked on in therapy was figuring out how to help myself accept the reality I live in… part of which was going on vacations with him where he was unreachable by work and thus, 100% present. Maybe this is weird COVID fallout… but today I do feel like I’m really alone even though I’m married to someone who adores me.
No Face
I think you should have an honest conversation with your husband about your long term goals as a family. You are lonely and unhappy married to someone who works this month, so he needs to start planning how to off ramp to a job that includes aspects of what he likes about his current role with a better balance. Make sure he knows just how negatively this impacts you.
As an example, I have experience in a very high stakes type of litigation. At my old big firm, it was about 75% of my workload. I canceled plans, missed events, worked on vacation, etc. At my current small firm, it is about 15% of what I do, and the skills are transferrable to my other work. My vacations are real vacations. People here don’t talk to each other about work on the weekends. Etc.
Senior Attorney
Not saying this is you, but I was married for many years to somebody who I knew darned good and well I needed to divorce, but I stuck it out for Reasons. The thing that finally got me moving was when it occurred to me that HE might decide he’d had enough some day, and the it would be on his terms rather than mine.
Seriously, think hard about that postnup. And also think hard about how and why you think it’s okay to live this half-life where you never get what you want even though it’s right in front of you. (And also? I had a therapist who enabled that sh!t for years. I’m still p!issed as he!! that he never once opened his mouth and said “it’s not right for you to be tying yourself up in knots trying to make this unacceptable situation okay.” Just saying.)
MORE HUGS!!
Anon
so i am sort of in this situation myself, and (yes, people who tell you that you knew what you were getting yourself into…well that’s not helpful to say) my DH is is miserable being in a job that he doesn’t like/isn’t passionate about, so in some ways i’d rather him be in his very busy job than in some other job bc then i’d be stuck with a miserable spouse. I will say that my DH has gotten better about making time to be home and not really cancelling vacations. it is unclear to me how you quitting your job would help this situation, unless you feel like you have no time to do anything, but it sounds like your DH is well compensated, so I would be hiring out everything you possibly can. you are right in that you have a choice whether to stay with DH and realize that you cannot depend on him for certain things or leave. do you think your life or your kids’ lives would be better off if you were not still married to your DH? i think i once read on here that when deciding whether to leave your spouse, you should be considering whether or not you would be happier alone (vs. happier with some mystical other spouse). one of my sister’s best friends growing up, her dad was a partner in a large law firm and mom was SAHM, and I recall him once being out of town for her birthday and she was so upset and acted out all day long in response. do i think she wished her parents had gotten divorced – no, most likely not. do i think as a small kid she wished her dad was around more – yes, but it was actually a bit tricky as the kids got older and it was harder for him to integrate when he was around and to really ‘parent’ and have totally different rules when it is just mom there or both parents there. your kids will be fine either way, and it is ok for you to feel sad about this, the question is can you find a way to come to terms with it and accept it as the way your life is
Anonymous
I’m really curious what this job is. You don’t have to say if you don’t want to but IDK to me that does matter. Say someone is busy like your husband and in turn neglecting his wife/missing his kids growing up but he’s a cardiologist. That to me is different than being a law firm partner or hedge fund/investment banking managing director. I understand it hurts you all the same but the cardiologist is literally saving lives and dealing with someone on their very worst day and if that means he misses the 8th grade graduation ceremony, it does make SOME sense (obviously still hurtful to the graduating 13 year old who wanted dad to be there and at last week’s soccer game and at the vacation a month before that). But if he’s in IB or biglaw I’m sorry but those are just about money. I’m not criticizing I’m in biglaw myself. With those I think it’s “easier” to set your monetary goals and decide once you’re at 10mil NW or whatever, you’re stepping back until x — x could be kids are out of the house or for 3-5 years to really give some other job a shot. And THEN if it doesn’t work out, you can return — someone who is high up in biglaw and IB does have chances to return in a way that associates etc. don’t.
Anonymous
I’m gonna tell you a giant secret, there are very very few jobs that legitimately require that much time. These are not life or death things, companies just pretend they are. Aside from doctors and other medical/emergency workers, no job is truly that important it can’t wait a day until after a family event.
Anonymous
Huh? That’s just what the poster above says. That if he’s a life saving type dr or something (and that’s not every dr or even most drs.), that’s one thing but if it’s a banking or law or whatever, give me a break he can step back.
Anonymous
Sorry, I guess I was unclear, I was trying to support her statement and analysis in stating that certain industries like to pretend their work is life or death when it really isn’t.
doc
But there are a lot of us doctors out there. A lot.
Anon
It’s not a ‘just about money’ job. It is a job where – once you leave, it’s hard to get back into the part of it he really loves and excels at.
Anonymous
It’s gonna be hard to rebuild a relationship with his children when he never sees them. Doesn’t he love them? I think you know he could do better and that’s why you aren’t sharing the job
anon
Okay, so there’s a lot packed into your comment. I’m going to try to unpack it a little bit. It sounds like:
-You love your husband a lot
-He misses out on a lot of family life, from ordinary things to special events, and that is hard and sad for you and for your kids
-You bear the burden of managing home and family life
Does he understand how hard this is for you and for the kids? Have you told him that very directly? I think when people have jobs like this, the “talking about it but not changing anything” phase drags on in part because they are not squarely confronted with the impact on others. It’s easy to think that it’s hard but not that bad (for the family) when no one is saying it directly.
Quitting your job would fix part of this but it doesn’t sound like it would fix the biggest issue, which is that your husband isn’t present in your family life in the way that you want and expected. Tell him that this isn’t working and ask him what he thinks can be done to fix it. Approach it as a problem to be solved together, but make clear that it’s a problem.
No Face
I have a comment in mod trying to express this, but you said it better.
Senior Attorney
Yes this is really well put.
Anon
Thank you, yes, this is right.
I’ve talked about its impact with him a lot. And he ‘hears’ me. But it comes down to… he keeps saying that he’s going to look at other jobs but then he doesn’t. And then there’s COVID which just… for the last year and a half it’s just been kind of a ‘well, it’s not always this crazy, it’s just COVID’…
I think if he told me ‘no, I will never leave’, that would be somehow easier than giving me the hope.
Senior Attorney
He’s told you that, just not in words. His actions are telling you he will never leave. For reals.
anon
He’s not going to leave this job. And I’m sorry; I do sympathize with this a lot. My husband’s job isn’t like this year-round, but it is for a large chunk of the year, and it is very hard on both me and the kids. I know this is very unlikely to change. If it were a year-round thing, I don’t think I’d be able to stay married, honestly.
No Face
Ah, okay. He knows it hurts you and he’s doing it anyway. Time you for to make your decisions.
anon
I agree with this but will add that I wouldn’t conflate the second and third items and figure out which things are most important to you. Quitting your job may help with three but there’s a lot of downside to that. If he’s not going to quit his job (which it seems like he is not going to), that doesn’t mean there is no room for him to take on more responsibilities, that you can’t outsource more (maybe that’s an option?) or you can’t come to an agreement about what’s an appropriate baseline for special events. Reasonable people can disagree about what’s important enough to make waves at work to make it happen but that also means there’s room for you to compromise on that. If you have that discussion and he still isn’t holding up his end of the bargain (that you both clearly agree on), you have your answer. I think you’re focusing on his job but that feels a bit like latching on to unicorn solution. You know he’s probably not going to quit his job. Also, you didn’t specify what his job is but I know lots of people who have very demanding jobs (including myself) that sometimes encroach on life and vacations, etc. but also manage to contribute to their household and show up when it really really matters. I’d suggest figuring out exactly what you need from him and see if you both can agree to specifics around that rather than making it all about his job, which is clouding the issues in my opinion
Anon
Assume he’s never going to change. Quit imagining some bright future where things are different, because that is a fantasy. The way he is today is the way he will always be. The question is, do you stay? He’s not going to change.
Stop TODAY hoping you can “make him see” or change him. You can’t. You can only make decisions for yourself.
And don’t quit your job. You’re going to need it.
Anon
Also, I think 50/50 custody, at least during a separation, would be really good and eye-opening for your husband.
Anon
Two thoughts:
1) What strikes me about your post is the all-or-nothing, black-or-white way you’ve framed the options. If your husband’s in medicine, he can go to a more 9-5 option; if he’s military/law enforcement, he can opt out of the elite unit he’s in and go back to the regular line; if he’s an entrepreneur, he can go teach MBA students or take a backseat at someone else’s project for a while. There are shades of gray available.
2) In life, in love, you have to sacrifice sometimes. My husband turned down a full ride to Harvard for grad school – a path that would have altered his career and taken him another direction – because it wouldn’t have been compatible with my career. He went to a less prestigious school locally. I asked him at the time if he was sure, and he said yes because our relationship was more important to him than Harvard.
If you’ve spoken to your husband and told him it’s his job or his marriage, I am so, so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine how bad that hurts. But in the wise words of SA, “when someone tells you who they are, listen.”
Anonymous
I so agree the sentiment — “when someone tells you who they are, listen” — and believe them
If you think about how your husband defines success, his job has to be at the top of the list. Unless he is willing to change that definition, you likely are not compatible long term.
It’s his dream job because it’s his dream. But its not your dream. And it seems he is not interested in creating a dream for your family.
Consider printing out this post and the responses and leaving it for him to read. See what he does. If it doesn’t spur any action on his part, you have your answer and know what your next step is.
Anonymous
I read this and assume your husband is not in one of the traditional jobs that everyone’s naming (medicine, law, i-banking) – I presume he’s in some type of start-up/silicon valley type of job where it is his life and changing jobs really does mean getting completely off the ferris wheel. If that’s the case, I think you need to either get out (which is understandable), or consider this the price of admission and higher all the help you can so you’re always there for your son and your husband can be whenever possible.
Anonymous
In my experience, quitting the job doesn’t solve the problem. It just lands you somewhere else where eventually the new job starts to take over the same way, either because the person thrives on being seen as “the fixer” or they are a people pleaser who can’t set boundaries or they are just a plain old workaholic who derives a lot of satisfaction at a job well done, even if it’s at the expense of other pursuits. The way to fix this is to get at the feelings around what is putting him in this space to begin with.
Anon
+1 I tried to articulate this up thread but the job isn’t the issue. A new job may or may not be necessary but I highly doubt it will be sufficient to solve the problem
Anon
I’d take this down a whole bunch of notches. You love him, he loves you, he loves his job and you’ve got a lot to do to pick up that slack. Sit down and talk through the problem. Can you throw money at some of it? Hire out things you’re doing? Buy a vacation house that you can set up so he can work from there? Get a babysitter/ help for you so you’re not always on with the kids and your job? As someone passions about my job and married to someone similar, you figure out how to make it work. It’s not always perfect, but this isn’t a run to divorce court situation. Maybe your communication needs some work, maybe couples counseling to start.
Anon
I know this is late, but thank you all for just… letting me let it all out there and for you guys being honest.
I don’t think that people in my life (other than him) know how hard this actually is. In fact, I’m often told how ‘amazing’ I am. I’m not amazing, I’m exhausted.
And part of it is hard because… maybe it is partially COVID making things insane. It does seem like things used to be more predictable pre-COVID. Today’s minor thing he missed was hard because it was like, ‘OH. Yes, I will 100% be available for that date! I’ll be there!’ and then a COVID-related thing happened and… he couldn’t. When he’s around, it’s awesome.
(Part of it that’s also kind of bugging me is that I am the Type A overachiever. He’s the Type B laid back guy. He’s the one who always said his goal was to be a stay at home parent. Yet somehow he literally found his perfect fit field in something that he’s great at and loves… and people literally were like, ‘HEY. You want this really interesting and cool opportunity?’ and he says, ‘Why not?’ and then… suddenly it was today. And I’m posting anonymously on a message board because I cried over a nothing issue and realize it was because I don’t just feel like I’m handling everything, I actually am.)
When I ask myself that question: no, I wouldn’t be happier and our kids wouldn’t be happier if we divorced. So. That’s (still) my decision.
Anonymous
His job situation won’t last forever. It’s just a chapter in your lives.
Anon
Oh my goodness. Hugs. I can just hear your heartache in your words.
I posted up above, and I realize I didn’t out and out say what I had been thinking: he’s selfish. He’s married. He has a family. It’s a partnership. You’ve put all this guilt on yourself that you’re asking him to give up his dream job, but what you’re really asking is for him to show up and be a husband and a father…something he entered the marriage saying he’d be! He is literally telling you every single day that he loves his job more than he loves you, more than he loves his children. And no matter how great a guy he is when he’s present, his priorities are out of order, which means he’s not really such a great guy after all.
If talking won’t snap him out of it, I’d honestly try taking the kids and moving out for a while. Not with the intention of divorce, since you love each other, but it seems like a giant gesture is the only wake-up call that will get through to him. And as I’m typing this out, I think I’d surprise him with the move-out – leave a note on the counter. Because it seems like every time you talk, he placates you somehow, and you think he’s going to change. So take the kids this summer and go to your mom’s or something. Leave a note on the counter. “John, we’ve moved out for a while. We love you, but you’ve chosen to be a [job] over a husband and father and that’s not ok. You and I have talked til we’re blue in the face, but nothing has changed. I want a partner. The kids want their dad. You say you care, but your actions every single day say that you love your job more than you love me, more than you love the kids. We love you so, so much, and our hearts have been breaking for years, and you just haven’t heard us. Please take some time to think things over. Chat with a therapist. And call when you’ve made your final decision about where your family stands in your life.”
Hugs to you in this heartbreaking situation. All the hugs.
Anonymous
What’s the best way to apologize over a complete misunderstanding? A friend seems to think I was attacking her husband’s knowledge on a scientific subject when I said (on a group text) “I’m not sure that’s right but this source has more info” as I dashed off to a meeting. She seems convinced that I was trying to challenge his knowledge or “question his math” when I was truly typing something extremely quickly on my way to a meeting – I have no idea if he was actually right or not! She wasn’t satisfied when I explained and said “I’m sorry if it came off as hurtful because that wasn’t my intention” and seems to want a far more serious/involved apology, but that just doesn’t feel genuine at all. What do I do here – “I’m sorry for challenging your husband” (??) I honest to god wasn’t trying to challenge anyone! I need an outside perspective on this and a sanity check.
Senior Attorney
Good grief this is nuts. First of all, how on earth does she even have standing to be this upset about something between you and her husband? Ad second of all, who cares if you WERE questioning his math or challenging his knowledge? Everybody makes math mistakes and nobody knows everything about everything.
Sanity check: Somebody is insane here but it isn’t you. Tell her you are sorry for hurting her feelings but you’re not going to belabor it any more.
Anonymous
Oh please stop this nonsense. You apologized. You’re done.
Anonymous
It looks like she wants the full fake apology. You need to decide whether you care more about being genuine or appeasing your friend. There is no way to both be genuine and make her happy.
Anon
There is nothing else for you to do. Move forward.
Anon
Voice of potential dissent: I have long since tired of people who “dash off” a thoughtless response, saying I wrong, when they fully admit they don’t know anything substantive about the subject and know that it is in an area of my expertise. It’s obnoxious, like, a decade of expertise is meaningless compared to her uninformed, seat of the pants opinion. Invariably, I’m then asked to do a detailed point by point refutation of whatever harebrained idea she has. It’s exhausting.
Several months ago, I just stopped being friends with someone who did that to me. It was an area that I have a LOT of experience and knowledge in; she… does not. She rather rudely told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, so I wasn’t welcome in the conversation.
If this is an area in which her husband is quite knowledgeable, please understand that “I have no idea if he’s actually right or not!” makes you look worse, not better.
If that is not the case, disregard.
Anonymous
OP here and I’m sorry that happened to you – it’s super obnoxious. In this case, both the husband and I have about equal knowledge of the subject at hand. He might have the edge with a bit more knowledge, actually, but the subject was in neither of our areas of expertise – the subject was norovirus and his background is biology and mine is public health (not infectious diseases, though). Typing it out makes the whole thing seem even more dumb and annoying than it was to live through the first time.
Anon
Then your friend is being weird and you should tell her to knock it off.
Anon
Do you need those people to grovel to you in order to get back into your good graces?
Anon
Not sure I’d you are implying something about me or referencing the OP’s issue. If it’s the latter, my advice to her is to understand that “I have no idea if he was actually right or not!” is the problem, not the reason the apology should be accepted.
Imagine someone T-bones you in the parking lot because they didn’t bother looking behind them when backing out of a parking space. “I’m so sorry; I should have looked behind me before pulling out” is a reasonable apology. “I had no idea if a car was there or not so I just hit the gas!” would make things worse.
Senior Attorney
I feel like you did the right thing but even if that were the case here with respect to the HUSBAND’s expertise, the WIFE making a gigantic deal out of it is still just nuts.
Anon
Your friend sounds horribly insecure on behalf of her husband (?) or insecure that her husband might be wrong (?) or insecure that her husband’s manhood was challenged (?)
You don’t owe a further explanation or apology, and if she continues to make a big deal about this, that’s on her. I’d let her be met with silence. RESIST the urge to respond one more time. (or… respond with a “k” which is almost worse)
Senior Attorney
Haha I love the “k.”
SOS
Reposting for more eyes:
Consider this an SOS post of desperation. Here’s the sitch:
(1) I work in a business casual office – uniform was squarely gray/black/neutral variety sheath dresses and sometimes pants/top. It’s finance. Lots of men, not a trendy kind of place.
(2) I’m 5’8″ and usually a size 10-12, trending 12. Athletic my whole life (until the last two years basically – I’ll get back there someday.
(3) I’m currently a size…. 14? 16? Biggest I’ve been in my whole life. I’m so uncomfortable. Fertility treatments (see below) are destroying my body, appetite, motivation to workout and will to basically do anything (yes, I have a call in to a therapist). I’m painfully bloated like 90% of the time.
(4) I’ve been in fertility treatments for two years for child #2. Most recent cycle failed yesterday. I wish this on not my worst enemy.
(5) I’ve been WFH like everyone else gleefully living in yoga pants but I’m just back to the office this week 3 days/week. I was hopeful this IVF cycle would work and I could just skate by with my few outfits that fit a few weeks before needing maternity clothes, but big fat nope there.
(6) I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin, and my own clothes, especially/most concerningly work clothes. I’m client facing and have got to get my act together. I’ve decided I can’t wait to get pregnant to make myself comfortable in my clothes. Going to work on losing weight / regaining control of that as well, but I need to fix my clothes and now.
Struck out at Loft, Jcrew, BR. Got some shell tops at Ann Taylor but I’m so sick of cardigans over a sleeveless shell. Where can I get some comfortable pants and dresses to get me through the summer? I have the Karen Kane wrap on today and I’m lumpy as holy h e l l and feeling absolutely terrible about myself. Help fix this otherwise super bada s s business woman / fertility failure out? Please? Links? I’m so broken on a lot of fronts and I’d like my outward appearance to look crisp as much as possible at least.
Senior Attorney
Big hugs!! Try Talbots. And more hugs!!
Flats Only
Seconding this. I posted on the earlier thread. Their stuff is cut in a forgiving / flattering way. Right now their summer casual wear is out, so you’ll have to dig a bit through the chaff, but the do have lovely, neutral workwear in a huge range of sizes and cuts, and the prices aren’t insane even if it’s not on sale.
Anonymous
+1 — I just posted a reply in the morning thread — if you don’t live near a store/don’t see anything you like, go to their website — they have a suiting section — blacks/greys/navys — sheath dresses, etc. Order a few sizes — you can return what you don’t like in the store — easy, peasy.
soanon
I’ve been there. I had three IVF cycles in an attempt to have a second child, culminating in the 8 week miscarriage of twins. It 100% sucked sucked sucked sucked. Immediately after we gave up I had a lot of anxiety about kiddo’s safety. It felt a little bit like having a second child was an attempt at progeny-insurance. But… 8 months later I’m feeling better about the world My only child is getting older and more fun. Having one instead of two or three will give me more time to focus on my life and job while still maintaining a strong focus on my beloved only. I never went back on birth control so I suppose it could happen for us, but it doesn’t seem very likely. None of us gets to pick our families. I wonder if my friend with two lovely boys always wished for a daughter. And I know at least one other person who wanted a second child but couldn’t have it. I don’t have much advice for you, other than to wish you luck and express my solidarity with you in a very difficult time. And to say that whatever happens you are strong and will adjust and thrive.
No Face
What a tough time! During my pregnancy, post partum, etc lumpy years, I found the most flattering clothing was either: blazer + loose top + stretchy pants, or a shift dress that skimmed over the body.
Macy’s has a large selection of professional pants with elastic waistbands. For the blazers and loose tops, I would go to a nice thrift store in a fancy area. Make your hair and makeup very easy for yourself. (I do low buns for months when I’m stressed/busy).
I have also worn open collarless blazers over my Karen Kane cascade dresses.
No Face
These are the types of pants I wore during my babymaking years: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/charter-club-cambridge-straight-leg-pants-created-for-macys?ID=10489399&CategoryID=157&swatchColor=Deep%20Black
Anonymous
Clothes that fit, but also, acceptance. You’re going through a tough time with IVF – you don’t want to beat yourself up for being a size or two larger than normal on top of that. When you feel a negative body thought coming on, try acknowledging it, but then banishing it for the day. “Wow, I’m noticing that I’m self-conscious about my stomach right now, but I’m going to move on because I have work to do today.” If you don’t give the thoughts space in your brain, they’ll eventually stop trying to get in as much. It’s hard but worth the effort.
anon
I really like the way you phrased this. I’m going to start using this on myself. (Covid weight gain; really not happy about it.)
Anonymous
+1 for Talbots
Please know that your struggle with finding clothes right now is a function of the post-Covid market, not of your weight or shopping ability. The selection of business clothing is massively diminished right now. I was ready to make some other suggestions, but when I checked, found very minimum stock of business casual basics.
Annony
I’m so sorry. You are not a fertility failure.
My advice is to treat yourself to a fantastic facial and massage, get yourself a fabulous haircut and if not a makeover, at least freshen up your makeup supplies/routine.
For clothing, you might try Universal Standard and the Wardrobe Oxygen blog is a terrific source of inspiration. My other advice is, I know it’ll be tempting because you won’t be this size for very long, but don’t cheap out. Karen Kane dresses are crappy quality. Invest in something quality, it’ll make a huge difference. Check out eBay or Poshmark for better labels. Or think about getting it tailored if it needs it. Buy some quality pieces and switch it up with accessories.
Mal
Universal Standard quality is great, and certain items have “Fit Liberty,” which allows you to exchange for a different size for free within one year (I think). I know my body has changed this year and getting clothes that fit have been very helpful mentally. Wishing you the best.
Anon
This is an incredibly personal decision but for me, I needed to take a break from fertility treatments and then I realized I didn’t want to do them anymore. I can still really want to be pregnant and mourn that. I don’t have to have 10 fertility treatments before I decide it isn’t working. If it’s not working *for you* then that is enough. Do not be pressured by a partner’s desire for a child. Your partner isn’t the one going through it. The break was what I needed to see clearly. I’m not saying you should stop trying, I’m just saying, as someone who has been there, I give you permission to stop trying. It doesn’t mean you didn’t really want it to happen.
Anonymous
Thank you. Not OP but I needed to read this.
Anon
Have you tried Macy’s or Dillard’s or similar? I’m a long-time size 10-12 BR, Ann Taylor, JCrew person and never think to go there, but I hit a 14 and went the other day and bought a few things to mix it up. Not a perfect solution, but I felt better about clothes for a week.
Katie
MM LaFleur has some big sales right now if you know your current size in their brand. Poshmark would be a good resource for now, I think. Could you hit up a mall or outlet mall to try a few different brands and not spend a lot since this isn’t the size/shape you hope to be at for a while? Even just taking yourself out for a day of shopping (and maybe a pedicure), singing along to the car radio, and a fancy iced coffee might lift your spirits. Hugs if you’d like them.
Anon
I posted this morning (Eileen Fisher magic pants and a flowy top) but I just want to say, don’t try to buy cheap clothing you don’t really like because it’s temporary. That will just make you feel more uncomfortable in your body. Buy a current size version of things you love and wear them. You can always recoup some of your investment on Poshmark if your size does change, but be kind to yourself right now. You deserve lovely things at all sizes.
Anon
and here are the pants in more reasonable colors than the link I shared on the earlier thread!
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/eileen-fisher-stretch-crepe-slim-ankle-pants-regular-petite/4211579?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FEileen%20Fisher%2FWomen%2FClothing&color=001
Ribena
As someone who is your height and a similar size, and also works in a male dominated area, I have had to come to terms with the fact that lots of the ‘standard’ work uniform clothing is never going to look neat and tidy on my body the same way as it does a petite slim woman who doesn’t have extreme pear hips. I have pencil skirts and shift dresses (or rather I did until my last wardrobe clear out) that fit me the same way slim women wear theirs – the difference is that I look like I’m going to a bar and they just look like they’re wearing clothing.
I look much more put-together, feel more comfortable, and as a result perform better professionally, in fit-and-flare dresses and flared skirts, with slightly shorter blazers so that the jacket doesn’t interfere with the skirt.
Unfortunately they’re much harder to find, especially in suiting fabrics (though a staid-coloured Boden ponte dress has got me through lots of bad body days when I haven’t wanted to wear anything that’s not stretchy), but they are out there.
Ribena
Longer comment in mod but – I sympathise.
Anon
When I was at my heaviest and just felt physically uncomfortable, I ordered several of these dresses. With a blazer and a statement necklace, it’s so easy to look put together – so many compliments! And because the dress only cost $25, I felt ok about spending. And it’s as comfortable as wearing PJs.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0739RGV2K/
And another vote for Talbots. I have several dresses of theirs from past seasons like these, and they’re always the first ones I reach for on days when I can’t bear to think about coordinating an outfit
https://www.talbots.com/jersey-shift-dress—chainlink/P211036090.html
https://www.talbots.com/jersey-faux-wrap-paisley-dress/P204036747.html
Also check out J. Jill’s wearever collection. It’s a collection of drapey, no wrinkle items for work. They introduce new colors about every 6 weeks if you don’t see anything you like right now.
https://www.jjill.com/shop/collections/wearever
Flying Mom
I’ve decided I want to buy some fancy shoes for myself with an incoming bonus. These would be lovely, though I was really considering loafers. What do you think – are loafers classic or out? Any recommendations for your favorite styles appreciated – budget around $1k. Thanks, ladies!!
lifer
What is your work dress /style these days? Loafers can be a classic conservative look. Check out Gucci loafers
Anonymous
I cannot imagine a pair of loafers I would spend more than $150 on.
Anon
Chunky loafers or skinny, Italian style loafers?
Anonymous
Loafers are classic and in. But you are going to have to work hard to spend $1k on loafers, harder to spend it on ones that are not hideous. But there are a few beautiful luxury loafers out there. Try net-a-porter.
Anon
I think I’d go spend a lovely afternoon (not morning, because you want your feet when they’re larger) in the Saks or Neiman Marcus designer shoe department.
Flats Only
I would go ferragamo flats 2 pairs for that price. Unless the loafers are very structured.
A
Tods. You’ll have enough leftover for a nice dress.