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Sales of note for 10.10.24
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- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
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- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
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- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
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- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
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Cb
Cute, wonder if a sweater-blazer is the answer to my ‘looks terrible in blazers’ issue.
darjeeling
I have the same issue even after I get a blazer extensively tailored, and sweaters/softer-structured jackets do look a lot better on me. I -think- this is b/c I am short but have broad shoulders so anything with any kind of shoulder padding makes me look like I’m wearing a costume or something.
Ellen
Rosa look’s great in these sweater-blazer’s, b/c she is thin and has great bone structure! But if you have a tuchus, you may want to think twice b/c there is NOT a lot of room in these and haveing a tuchus, or a shelf, make’s them look VERY small.
I had a meeting yesterday with the manageing partner, and he want’s me to sign up for a CLE about becomeing a partner. I am now beginning to worry about this b/c I thought that a partner just means I make a lot of money (YAY!) but there is alot more too it. FOOEY! Look at how this ABA describes the class: FOOEY!!!!
http://apps.americanbar.org/cle/programs/t13enp1.html?sc_cid=CET3ENP-B
Making partner is a wonderful achievement that also comes with a variety of ethical challenges. This program will help new partners understand professional liability risks and their exposure to these risks. With a focus on how structure affects a partner’s liability, topics to be addressed are types of partnerships, and personal and vicarious liability in general partnerships, PC, LLC and LLP entities. Our expert panelists will also share best practices to ensure compliance with the ABA Model Rules of Professional Conduct, specifically duties to prospective clients, scope of representation, fees, and organization as clients; and strategies to limit liability including in the areas of business development, retainer and engagement letters, client communication skills, billing, and responsible discovery practices.
THIS IS Alot more compeicated that I thought. Who know’s about ethical obleigation’s? I don’t do engagement letter’s and the manageing partner handels billeing!
Do I have to know this stuff? I am putting in money, so why should I have risk’s? I do have cleint communication skill’s but that is about it. DOUBEL FOOEY!!!! Should I become a partner or not? Grandma Leyeh says OY!!! I have to think about this now. FOOEY!
momentsofabsurdity
I have the same issue. I think it’s because my shoulders are broad. I’ve never found a blazer that sits well on me except for softer/less structured pieces. My shoulders have structure all on their own – they do not need any help from a structured jacket.
Cb
Mine are broad across but quite narrow in depth (if that makes any sense at all). As a result, any sort of poof or padding doesn’t sit quite right. Thank goodness for academia with its uniform of cardigans.
Famouscait
Yes!!! I agree with all you ladies above that less structured blazers are the only ones I can comfortably wear. However, this is something I’ve just discovered in the last few months so now I’m on the hunt…. where do you all go to find these types of blazers?
darjeeling
my favorite is a J. Crew lightweight tweed (“micro tweed”?) zip-up number that was featured here a while back, slim fitting with zero extra shoulder padding, more like a structured, polished cardigan.
Ponte
I’m always on a quest for ponte blazers. They are so comfy and look dressier than a cardigan to me.
roses
I think I look terrible in blazers too. I just have an extraordinarily small upper body (but normal/curvy bottom half) and unless I were to have every seam taken apart on most blazers, they just look terrible – way too big in the bust and arms but then it starts to pull when it reaches my hips. And I’m short, so many are too long. However, I just bought a surprisingly well-fitting blazer at Madewell: http://www.madewell.com/newarrivals/jackets/PRDOVR~56952/99103022411/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~20+17+4294967243~15~~~~~~~/56952.jsp. Maybe looking for “shrunken” blazers is key?
Sarah Rose
Yeah! I’m shaped wee on the top and more ample on the bottom too, and cropped, shrunken styles fit me best. Look for jackets that hit above the models’ hips (these women are amazons) and bracelet length sleeves. With these elements, I can wear even boxy blazers, which I know some petite women write off.
a.
Such a cute blazer! Love love love.
Hose in NYC?
First — I like this blazer!
Second — I have to go to NYC to meet with senior-level finance clients I’ve never met before (along with some junior people I’ve worked with for years). I’ll be in a black skirt suit with sensible block-heel pumps (so very conservative). Hose or bare legs? I live in the south, so hose = formal, but perhaps in NYC, hose = grandma (not what I’m going for)? FWIW, I am usually bare-legged if it is >75 outside, but some people my age are in fact grandparents.
goldribbons
I think hose = formal, even in NYC. You might die from the humidity, if you’re not used to serious summer humidity (depending on how soon you’re arriving), so hopefully you’ll be able to wear your hair up/back.
Julep
With senior-level finance clients that you’ve never met before I would wear hose. I’d actually wear pants, but if I had to wear a skirt I’d add hose for sure.
Hose in NYC?
Thanks! I’d love to wear pants, but every time I try to go on Team Pantsuit, I look like Hillary in the black pantsuit years (I’d go with current Hillary). Pants can be ill-fitting in so many ways for me (waist by armpits, a bit of junk in the trunk, gah!). If you have anything current to recommend for this, I will take a look.
no-hose
I disagree with the other comments. I think in NYC hose = grandma. If that’s not the look you’re going for, I would not wear hose.
Susie
Sounds like your hose aren’t nude for you. As with anything, you just have to find the right one.
Anonymous
I agree with you. no one ever wears hose in NYC. Like, even in court people dont wear hose. And I worked for the appellate division for years.
Julep
People in finance do wear hose in NYC. Not everyone all the time, but yes, in some situations hose are absolutely required.
Freddie
Anon at 11:01, I would never derive rules from what people wear to *state court* I’ve seen yoga pants passed off as pant suit bottoms.
Senior Attorney
Freddie, oh so snarky and sad, but oh so very true.
Anne
Totally disagree. I’m at a biglaw firm in NYC and plenty of people in my office (of all ages — I’m 29) wear hose this time of year, even when not meeting clients or doing anything formal. It’s cold in our office but too sunny and nice outside for tights. I think it’s only grandma-like if it’s 80+ degrees outside. I don’t wear them in the middle of the summer, I’m not wearing hose today because it’s so warm, but I did several days last week. I usually keep a pair or two in my office in case I get cold and decide to throw them on. I would definitely wear them if you’re at all wavering.
Anonymous
NYC here- plenty of hose, especially for formal business meetings. I don’t wear it on no meeting days or internal department only meeting days, but I keep a pack in my desk and would def wear it for a meeting like this
IMMJ
I’m biglaw in NYC but on the old end of the spectrum, and at least in our office hose=grandma. I agree with Finance Chick below.
A
I think you can go either way and most people go bare in the city but since you’re meeting clients, I’d err on the side of hose (and take off in the bathroom if the opportunity appears/nobody else is wearing them).
Finance Chick
No one else will be wearing them (or a skirt for that matter) in the crowd you’ll likely be meeting.
Maybe it’s more of a how-to-be-Anne-Bancroft, as a non-younger professional woman (I believe that she was in her mid/late 30s when she made The Graduate), and how-not-to-be-Bea-Arthur (love ya, Bea, but not a look to go for for this). It’s a delicate balance between looking too Spice Girl for your age/station and looking too Grandma while just trying to be formal.
AIMS
I would wear hose and I am nowhere near team Grandma. But if you really want to avoid stepping over that delicate line, maybe try very small nude fishnets? Is that too wacky? I feel like it would be both formal (hose) and on trend (fishnets). And as long as the “net” is small and the color “nude,” it will be totally appropriate for daytime and altogether very subtle.
E.g., http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/hue-tights-fishnet-u5823?ID=118451&cm_mmc=Google_PLA-_-main-_-21882504424-_-pcrid=21485276464&mkwid=qhWuCW3X&gclid=CL6IyZe8p7cCFc2f4AodTzAAaQ
Julep
Depends on the exact circumstances/audience but I would wear no hose over small fishnets. They can skew really wrong if you are meeting with older male clients. Trust me on this one.
Anonymous
omg- no no no to fishnets for this meeting, even if they are small. not appropriate at all in this situation
anon in-house
Eek! negatory on the nude fishnets.
Susie
I’m not sure where the whole nylons = grandma thing comes from, to me they are only granny-ish if they are the thick, shiny, opaque ones. Nude for you = formal/business (any age), fishnet = night out.
s
Why does everyone hate on hose so much? I’m 24, in NYC, and I really like hose and wear it regardless of formality; sometimes I just like hose to tuck my shirt in under skirts, to prevent thigh rubbing, and to make my shoes less-gross. Just need to find the right, sheer, matching, breathable kind.
Lynnet
I’m 27, in an informal midwest city and I totally agree with this. I wear hose if I’m wearing a skirt, I don’t know how other people can stand not to.
Bonnie
I hate them and refuse to wear them because I find them uncomfortable, the nice ones are expensive, and I shred them often after one wear. I also don’t see how a sheer item adds to modesty.
Susie
You must be blessed with perfect legs. I don’t think it’s about modesty, but it does look neater. Thankfully I don’t have visible veins but I do have a lot of scars on my legs, and often scratches and bruises (yeah I’m a bit clumsy) – while it is not necessarily unprofessional I don’t feel a need to call attention to it. Plus, fashion isn’t always about comfort; my husband doesn’t enjoy wearing ties but does it anyways because it is appropriate for his position.
Hose in NYC?
OK — I’m on Team Hose for this. Where I live (south = hot, humid), people don’t generally wear them for business casual situations, but would wear them to be formal. What I have seen a lot of lately is Black Tights for Winter and Hose Poorly Done, which has made me wonder if that doesn’t give people a distaste for hose in general. But I’m happy not to have to wear little footies with my shoes (otherwise they get torn up) and for getting a day free from thigh rub. Thanks everyone!
Coach Laura
I vote hose too. Many banks and finance firms still have dress codes that require hose.
ohc
Second interview today!!!!! That is all.
manomanon
congrats!
Sydney Bristow
Good luck!
eek
Good luck!
Double Hoo
Good luck!
OHCFO
This is adorable–but brings me to a mental do-loop that I’ve been mulling over the past few weeks whilst internet stalking a couple of fun blazers. They are all styled with colorful pants. Do grown ups (particularly those with a few bumps and lumps) actually wear colorful pants? Should they? If I got this sweater/blazer I would probably wear it with navy trousers or a navy pencil skirt–and then wouldn’t it just look like all the other boring blazers in my closet that are leading me to look for something different?
cc
2 different things. Colored pants are really in right now, and yes adults wear them. I think they are only for business casual though- they are usually in more casual cuts and fabrics (ie I am wearing a pair of cotton ankle pants.) and 2, I like sweater blazers not necessarily for thir funness, but for their comfortness. cardigans make me look kind of ridiculous. I have a large chest and extra in the belly, and cardigan sweaters just make me look like a round grandmother who wants to feed you butterscotch. I really like sweater blazers because they are much more structured, but much more comfortable than a blazer for me. But I don’t think they replace a real jacket in terms of formal wear
cc
hmm this is a test I keep getting moderated and I realized I have the name of this site in my email address.
goldribbons
Yup – “e t t e” will get you stuck in moderation.
Olivia Pope
Colorful pants are “in” right now for casual wear, but I wouldn’t wear them to work. I am skipping the trend for casual wear, because I love dark pants and I always will! Interesting blazers are enough by themselves, IMHO.
That being said, if you want to branch out go buy some colorful pants!
TCFKAG
I think in certain workplaces you *might* be able to get away with yellow, Kelly green, or cobalt pants if the cut is conservative and over all flattering (I wouldn’t suggest skinny pants in bright colors for example) as long as you kept the top half fairly neutral.
But for casual wear, I think adults look great in brightly colored pants – again just make sure the cut doesn’t read “I’m wearing me teenager’s pants” or “I’m wearing my grandmother’s pants.”
Bonnie
This. I wear cobalt and maroon pants to the office on days I don’t have to go to court. They’re both classic cuts and I wear them with more muted tops.
a.
Agreed. I see tons of adult women here, wearing bright pants, and they rock ’em. I would just steer clear of anything super-tight.
Lady Harriet
I have a pair of mint green wide-legged silk pants that I wear to work (upper end of business casual.)
roses
I have these pants in emerald and maroon and wear them all the time in my business casual office with a neutral top, and get nothing but compliments: http://www.loft.com/loft/product/product%3A301861/LOFT-NFP-regular-cat-091312/Zoe-Straight-Leg-Pants-in-Mid-Weight-LOFT-Scuba/301861?colorExplode=false&skuId=13023348&catid=cat1100004&productPageType=search&defaultColor=2151
Matilda
…and now I have a pair on the way, because sale plus sale equals eighteen dollars!!! So very excited.
CKB
I’m a grown up & I have a pair of red pants – they aren’t skinny, more a straight leg cut, that I wear sometimes on casual Friday at my business casual workplace, and sometimes on the weekends. I think I’ve work them on a regular workday once, but tried to keep the top more formal.
I have no qualms at all at wearing a colorful pencil skirt to work, but colorful pants are just more casual.
a passion for fashion
i wouldnt wear them to court, but i would, and do, wear them to work. i have a pair of fuscia and a pair of bright blue ankle length slacks that i wear in the spring and summer to work, in my formal side of business casual office. usually i wear them with kitten heels, and i almost always wear a blazer on top. this, like everything else, i believe can be done so long as you are otherwise put together and dont think twice about what you are doing (i.e., make sure you are comfortable). if you look good and carry yourself well, no one will pay any attention to whether you are following the so-called *rules.* Instead, they will think, and perhaps say, that you look good.
Calibrachoa
Dress code at my place of work spe9ifially forbids brightly-colored trousers – thanks to some younger gentlemen who used to parade around in bright highlighter yellow ones. *sigh*
Senior Attorney
I would be so happy to see younger gentlemen parading around in highlighter yellow trousers! *sigh*
manomanon
Sorry for the early threadjack but I could use thoughts you have on ways to deal with major out of work stress in the moment, as well as how to deal with needing to make calls during the workday while still sort of new at a job.
Long story short my car (which was supposed to be sent back to my parents house today)was towed late last night from the garage in my building because the woman who sold me the parking pass was incompetent and didn’t actually sell it to me correctly. I went to get it back from a sketchy neighborhood in the middle of the night only to discover that neither of the two accounts I thought had money in them to pay for it did, and that they don’t take checks or amex. Get home realize my old account has money to pay for it but don’t want to go back at midnight and decide to go at 6AM…. between then my credit card auto debits and of course now I can’t get it out.
I want my building to pay for the towing and storage because they are the ones that messed up but they’re practically never there- 10:00-5:00.. I’m relatively new at my job and don’t want to be in and out on the phone all day. Any thoughts on how to deal with this? I’ve never ever had something like this happen and just feel like nothing can go right in my life right now.
How do I stay calm and collected at work when all I want is to cry?
goldribbons
Stay calm and collected by mentally distancing yourself from the throws of this as much as you can. This is one of those horrible times when you have to pretend to be your own mom or your own manager – rather than reacting, be your own caretaker. I don’t have any advice for how to deal with the car situation, and it sounds totally horrible, but you can figure this out and you will. Chin up and power forward, someday you’ll look back and think “wow, I was so strong/smart/tough.” Today, think back on times you’ve been strong, smart, and tough, and be that woman again today. Hugs, and hopefully wine & cookies tonight.
January
I’m sorry, that sounds rough. Can you possibly take a personal day to deal with all of this? It may be easier on you — and it may be better for work, too, because you’re less likely to drop the ball on something at work because you’re so distracted by your personal problems.
Olivia Pope
This is stressful, but not a reflection of you at all. Last year at my office, someone’s car was stolen from on his second day of work. No one judged him for dealing with it. You should just give a straightforward, short description of what is happening so people know why you’re taking so many calls: “My building gave me the wrong parking pass and my car got towed! I will have to deal with this.” You can leave all the other details out.
TCFKAG
One thing – don’t leave the car there while working this out with your building. Tow lots in Mass are allowed to charge (and most do charge) $35 a day in storage – you don’t want the meter to just keep running in case you end up holding the ball.
manomanon
Thanks for the advice- I knew I could count on all of you.
Thankfully my boss is awesome and is (not thankfully) also having a bad morning so she understands. I wish I could take a day but I don’t have any accrued yet and it’s a seriously busy time here (we are based in DC and work on immigration)
TCFKAG- It’s $50 a day down here… thankfully my “day” started at 9:30 last night so I have until then…
sidebar… who tows cars from a building garage at 9:30 on a weeknight
Anonymous
You state that a woman sold the pass to you incorrectly. If building management has record of another car slotted for the space, I don’t see how towing your car is their fault. I would talk to the woman first.
rosie
I was confused about that, but I’m think maybe the woman that sold the pass works for the management company.
manomanon
I wanted to talk to the woman who sold it to me but she was covering from another building which is probably a large part of why this happened. We don’t have assigned spots- just less passes than they are and the tow company just looks for cars without passes and takes them, building management doesn’t get involved which makes the whole thing harder.
Blonde Lawyer
Just wanted to send cyber hugs. I have been dealing with a refinance from hell that I posted about yesterday. I ended up a mess with my door shut alternating between yelling at people on the phone and crying while trying to rationally debate with them about their BS tactics. I know it can be incredibly hard to advocate for yourself in these situations. Is there a friend or family member who can help with this? My friend and I frequently argue on each other’s behalf so we can keep emotions out of it. She signed a release so I could deal with her health insurance company for her and she dealt with a former landlord for me once when she had hours that matched up with that landlord’s hours.
Other than that, I find coworkers to be understanding of real life dramas. I like the idea of telling the short story Olivia Pope suggested. That way no one is judging you if you are on your phone constantly or stepping out of meetings to take calls.
True story, at my first firm we had a new summer who was on her cell CONSTANTLY. She would walk away from a lunch with the partners to take a call. She was almost fired in her first month. She finally told them she had been diagnosed with a life threatening issue the week before she started her summer job and every time she walked away it was to take a call from a doctor. We all felt awful for judging her but wished she had spoke up in the beginning and said “sorry to be rude, I’m dealing with a medical issue right now and after to take calls whenever my doctor rings.” We totally understood why she tried to keep it private but it just made her look really bad at first. Happy ending, she recovered fully and got a full time job there.
Blonde Lawyer
Frugal doc – I also took your advice. Knew the arguing wasn’t worth it anymore and am going through with the refinance anyway since it is so much better financially in the long run. I told the guy, if you told me up front a refinance would cost x, I would have happily done it. It is because you told me it would cost ZERO and then played a million and one games to make it cost x that I am so upset and almost walked away. These are terrible business practices but I’m not going to screw myself to make a point to them. I’ll probably write a letter at some point documenting all the BS and send it to someone high up in the company but I have a strong feeling this is how they are supposed to operate. They pull good cop bad cop and the higher up will probably give them a high five for being able to get this deal through on me.
manomanon
Thank you for cyberhugs!!!
And for some perspective- it helps, as much as this feels like the end of the world it is nowhere near as bad as that woman’s situation. My coworkers are great and are super understanding. I just moved to a new city (which is awesome) but all my friends work the same hours I do meaning I have less resources then I normally would.
I think I’m also having the stress of moving and being broke after paying to move etc. add up to the point where something I could normally handle calmly is just making me fall apart… thank god its a long weekend
OHCFO
My career field is dominated by middle-aged men and a few middle-aged women. I am attending a large professional conference in San Francisco next month, and am perplexed about what to pack. My experience has shown me that my peers will likely be sporting polos and khakis most of the time. Neither exist in my wardrobe, and I don’t have a great grasp on “business casual.” I’m more of a cardigans and boring blazers (see above) with pencil skirts kind of gal. I don’t want to stick out too much at the conference–but I also don’t want to look like a tourist when I’m out in the city. Any suggestions for creating the khaki & polo equivalent that will fit in all around?
I know this probably sounds unbelievably insecure… and it’s sad that that’s the case. A few months back I attended a seminar in a slightly different segment of my industry and became super self-conscious. 349 of the attendees were wearing black or dark grey suits and just one girl (me!) was in a brilliant emerald cape-y cardigan over a black sheath. I felt self-conscious all day. It took me right back to wearing the “wrong” jeans in high school.
AnonInfinity
I’d either wear pants that aren’t khakis with a blouse and no cardigan (unless you get cold in the conference) or the cardigan with a skirt that’s less formal than a pencil skirt.
I had a very similar experience last week. I went to a new-to-me conference intending to wear my normal sheath dresses and cardigans and found that everyone else at the conference was wearing suits. Oops. I just went with it.
Bonnie
Khakis and polos will make you look like a tourist. Since you normally wear pencil skirts and cardigans, I’d recommend wearing just that but dressing them down with flats or more casual shoes and less formal tops. If the conference is dominated by middle-aged men, you will stand out but not necessarily in a bad way.
Orangerie
+1. I’d go with a more casual pencil skirt (perhaps a fun color?) and a nice tee with a cardigan, or maybe a printed blouse. Also, bring a light jacket and a scarf or two… it’s usually not that warm here in June.
Merabella
In fact it can be down right cold. Bring a jacket, not a light jacket. When I went in July it was in the 50s – note: I’m from the South, 50s is almost freezing…
A
Polos and khakis sound so dreadful. I’d pack that suit (just in case) and also your usual pencil skirts (but perhaps one in a lighter “khaki” color–camel, beige) and blouses.
As for looking like a tourist in the city, SF is a huge city with tons of diversity, I wouldn’t worry about sticking out.
Blonde Lawyer
Khaki pencil skirt? I hate khakis and polos (they were my former work uniform) but I’ve come to realize they play in important role for certain out of office events that require business casual and sneakers. I’ve had to go to volunteer clean up jobs, golf outings, picnics, all kinds of things where you are expected to look professional but get dirty. I bought a couple polos from the boys section of Walmart. They are thick and not clingy but not big and baggy like men’s polos. You can get slacks in khaki material but different colors. I have a pair of navy khaki style pants from Ann Taylor that fit more like trousers. Occasionally, I just have to look the part to feel comfortable no matter how much I hate the “look.”
a passion for fashion
i totally understand you wanting to *fit in* but i suggest trying to embrace the difference. you are not a man, so you will dress differently then them. I would have loved being in a bright color when they all wore boring stuff — aand its not like the difference was you wearing a c0c^tail dress or shorts while they were all in business suits. im sure you looked lovely — and will this time too. now, tell yourself that over and over again until you really believe it.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve always thought it could be a good thing to stand out a bit at a conference because you’re more easily remembered by people you meet. I agree with the suggestions to stick with a pencil skirt. I’d probably do a fun colored skirt or a basic skirt with more casual top and flats.
Silvercurls
Exactly! As long as you’re appropriately dressed who cares if it’s a different kind of appropriate? Be proud of your style and use it to be confident.
OHCFO
To A Passion for Fashion–
I think I love you. For some reason your, “I’m sure you looked lovely” comment made me feel good about myself in a way I haven’t in a while.
Thank you.
Susie
Denim pencil skirt with blouse and flats. I came across this in the Nordstrom sale, I’m going for it: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-stretch-woven-skirt/3519056
Also if you have a free evening and want to grab drinks in SF post here. :)
bgo
I am wearing that skirt in the khaki color right now! Love it. I have it in white too- but being a good little old fashioned girl and waiting until after Memorial day to wear the white one. Now I want the other colors too!!
Susie
I wanted the khaki too but not available in my size, nor is white. But the denim will be great for Fridays.
Ella
Slub?!?!? What is slub? Am I the only one who has never heard of that before? It sounds like a gross monster from Star Wars.
Anonymous
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=slub
Ella
I did google it, thanks. The image search gave results that look nothing like this jacket.
But thanks for the snark.
TCFKAG
So…that was unnecessarily snarky – but that website is FAN-freaking-TASTIC. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile. I wish so hard I could send that to people at work. :-P
Also, slub is a terrible name for a fabric. So terrible.
a passion for fashion
i love this too. just mentally added to my bag-o-tricks. and given the impressiveness of the snark, i am willing to overlook it.
Ella
Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I love let me google that for you, and want to send it to people all the time! (My question was more rhetorical. It is such a terrible fabric name!)
Bonnie
Slub is a material, generally cotton, that is woven so that it has an irregular surface.
Mpls
It’s been a thing in casual cotton t shirts for the past few years…
Anonymous
Okay I have some questions about graduate school loans – apologies for the long read. I was in the (incredibly fortunate) position not to have to take out any loans for undergraduate (my parents generously paid full freight). I did work from the age of 18 on, so I have always had a paycheck coming in to cover incidentals and spending money (and now that I’m an adult, everything else), but because it was so part time and low paid ($6-7/hr) I didn’t manage to save much of it, and almost all of what I saved during college went to getting an apartment/work clothes/etc for my first out of college job.
I graduated and have been working at a job where I have made between 25 and 45K / yr for the past three years. I’ve managed to put ~10K in a retirement fund and ~8K in savings (yeah I know it should have been more, but I am where I am, you know?). I am terrible about “managing” savings money, so that money is just sitting in a regular savings account. I am now starting graduate school and have been awarded a grant which cuts the total cost approximately in half, but still leaves me with approximately 40K in loans per year.
The school expects me to contribute $2K from my savings to tuition. My original plan was to throw all $8K of accessible savings at the school payment, to cut down on loans, and to leave my retirement savings untouched (they keep telling me that $10K when I’m 24 is going to be a million when I’m 80…. ha), rather than just the $2k the school is asking for.
However, I start school in mid August, but I’m told I won’t receive any student loan money until mid September. The way I understand it is that the school pays itself first, and then distributes the rest of my semester loan package to me in a lump sum.
So question 1 is: I’m considering just paying the $2k expected contribution to the school, and keeping the rest (~$6K) in case of an emergency in between when school starts (ie, no money coming in) and when my student loans and grants are disbursed. Does that make sense or is that nuts? Can I just pay it to the lender once the student loan money comes in (ie, immediately pay off $6K of the loans) or would I incur extra fees, etc?
Question 2: If you have loans, how do you guys structure the management of your student loan lump sum payment? Did you just throw the whole enormous check into a (separate?) savings account, and link it to your checking account to keep the minimum balance at ~1k or so? Do you do biweekly deposits from savings into checking, to simulate a paycheck? I’ve never had an amount that large come in at once into my account and I’m a little lost on where to begin.
Thanks in advance for answering my (admittedly stupid) questions.
eeyore
I know a whole lot about educational loans (my mom was the director of financial aid at a college), but I’m a little confused what you’re asking. When you get student loans, the school gets the money. Why are you expecting disbursements? Also, if you’re taking $40k/year in loans, why would you try to pay off $6k of it right away? That’s hardly going to make a dent and unless your parents are available to pay for any emergencies (e.g., medical emergency, unplanned car repair, etc.), you should keep at least some of your savings right where it is. Hope this helps, and if you want to post an anon email, I’m happy to “discuss” more.
Anonymous
I’m just using the language the school gives – apologies if it’s not correct!
My understanding is since I won’t be working during graduate school and will also need to take out loans for living expenses that the school will first receive my $40K in grants and $40K in loans, will pay itself its tuition ($50K) and “disburse” the rest of the loan money, once it’s done that, directly to me to cover living expenses for the year. Is that totally off base?
CDA
That’s exactly what my graduate school did.
Keep your $6K for emergencies. Sadly, it isn’t enough to really make a difference on your loans, but it could be huge in an emergency.
Dulcinea
I absolutely agree with this – keep your emergency funds for when the disbursements don’t come on time ( it happened to me!) and other emergencies. I had the opportunity to do that when I started school and I didn’t; I really wish I had.
cc
Yeah that’s right. At my school they timed it out better so you got the loan money when school started. I would keep that 6k. You will end up spending it throughout grad school, there is just no way around it. Live as frugally as you can, but keep it as an emergency fund. It is not going to make much of a dent at all in your loans, and better to use it than to have to put it on a cc. As to managing the lump sum, its important to make a budget. I put it all in my checking account, but mapped out at the beginning of the year how much I should have at the end of each week, until the date that I got my next loan dispursment (usually the next semester.)
eeyore
No it sounds like you’re right and it sounds like you’re living off-campus (right? If you’re living in school housing, they’ll help themselves to all of the rent they charge before giving you any money).
First: you should make a budget now for the entire school year. $30k per year sounds a little high for living expenses (since school will take the first $10k for tuition, if I did that math correctly), but your school probably provides an estimate of how much you’ll spend on books and school supplies, and if this is business/law school, don’t forget to budget for things like a new suit.
To answer your questions:
1: If you’re taking $40k in loans (which again, sounds high), I wouldn’t bother contributing $2k. It sounds like you’ll have enough in loans to cover your tuition, and unless the school wants the money (for a deposit), I would keep your $2k. I would absolutely keep your $6k also – but see above re: parental support. If your parents are supporting you or are available to support you, that might change this calculation. (Have you spoke to them about this? They might have advice)
2: I have never had a huge loan disbursement like that (I live in graduate student housing through school), but I would not simulate a full paycheck because that will likely encourage you to spend it. Figure out your budget ahead of time, and do whatever will help you stay within that budget – maybe very small weekly transfers, maybe slightly larger biweekly transfers – but putting it into your savings account sounds like a good idea. Ultimately, you’ll have to pay it all back, so keeping it “separate” from your current savings doesn’t much matter (IMHO).
Does this help? Any more questions?
Anonymous
Thanks guys. Yes I will be living off campus – graduate student housing is not available. The 30K / yr in living expenses is based on the school’s estimate of room / board / other expenses (after tuition, fees and healthcare are covered). Okay, so it sounds like once I find an apartment and have a sense of what my rent will be, I need to then sit down and do a detailed weekly budget and only transfer enough to meet that budget (in other words, keep myself on a short leash).
My parents are able to help in case of emergencies, but I would prefer not to ask them if at all possible (they’ve already done so much for me) so I’m trying to figure out how to structure this so I can be mostly independent. Currently looking at the upfront costs for an off campus place eating up a huge chunk of my savings, since I’ll have to pay that out before any student loan money comes in (first/last/security/fee) so I will hold onto the 6K if/how I can and see where and what I end up with.
As for the separate account – I wasn’t sure if at some point I might need to do a detailed accounting of where/what the money went to (to prove it went to qualified expenses — do you ever have to do that?) so maybe a separate account would make sense. It sounds like that doesn’t really matter though.
Thanks so much!
Blonde Lawyer
Once they gave me the money, they didn’t care what I did with it.
Mpls
Actually – I would do your budget first, to see what kind of rent you can afford, and then look for apartments.
Mpls
And qualified expenses – I think that mostly matters if you are claiming education credits on your tax return, unless its a term of the loan or grant that the money go a specific place.
Anonymous
Yeah – I am positive I will keep the rent at or under what the school budgets for a single person’s rent ($1300) so I will just use that as a placeholder for now and build out the budget to see.
For things like health insurance fees, does that whole amount come out of the first semester’s aid package or do schools split it in half? ie, should I expect to receive less first semester since there are more yearly fees like health insurance or “support” fees that are paid 100% up front?
A
You only need to show qualified expenses if you are cashing out a 529, for example. But since I had educational expenses of $65k and zero grants, all of my 529 money was properly credited.
Blonde Lawyer
Keep your cash. Schools screw up and when there is a delay in payment, they don’t care if you can make your rent. You need a cushion beyond the loans. I put mine in my savings account and moved what we needed each month into checking.
Sydney Bristow
Are these figures coming from filling out the FAFSA? If so, is the $2000 your expected contribution?
I’m assuming that the school has told you what the estimated cost of attendance is and that is where you are getting the $40,000/year in loans amount from (which would be the total cost of attendance minus the amount of the grant). The estimated cost of attendance is the limit for federal borrowing. Theoretically you can get private loans to cover additional costs but DO NOT DO THAT! The first thing I’d do is sit down and figure out what you ACTUALLY need. If you have a good, cheap housing situation or something then it is conceivable (though maybe not likely) that your actual costs would be less than the total cost of attendance that the school lists. If your actual estimated costs are cheaper than the estimated cost of attendance, then you can always take out that much less in federal loans.
As for the $2000 contribution, I’d guess that isn’t really a choice and is the amount the FAFSA requires. I wouldn’t use the additional $6000 to try and pay right now because it will be important to keep some emergency fund accessible. If you do want to pay early on your loans, just make sure you can do so without penalty (look at your promissory note). Your loan payments are likely not due until after a grace period after you graduate. The interest is what could make a big difference. I believe that if you have subsidized stafford loans, then interest doesn’t accrue while you’re a student but unsubsidized stafford or grad plus loans will have interest accruing. (I could be wrong on that though, so double check). If for some reason you wanted to be putting some money towards your loans now, make sure you are putting it towards the ones that have interest accruing. It’s better to just take out a lower amount in loans though instead of taking out the full amount and making early payments.
As for the lump-sum payment, my experience has been that the loan money goes to the school who deducts the tuition, fees, etc and then cuts you a check for the remaining amount to be used for your housing, etc. I personally put mine into an ING account (now Capital One 360) because it earned a little interest and was a little more difficult to get to. I set up a monthly transfer into my regular checking account with my budgeted funds for the month. If you don’t touch it in between these monthly transfers, then you won’t be tempted to spend it up front and then be hurting at the end of the semester.
I hope that is helpful! Sorry it’s so long. I really wish that I had made different choices with my loans when I went to law school.
Anonymous
Thank you so much! This is super helpful.
I have filled out the FAFSA and already gotten my award letter from the school – the school has told me my expected contribution to them is $2K (they have also said I can take out loans to cover my contribution as well, if I want) and that my expected loan amount will be $40K (per year). The payments won’t be due until after a six month grace period, but I believe they all begin accumulating interest immediately. I (hopefully) will have a high enough paying job post school that this will be payable, but I don’t want to bet on it and want to make a sound financial decision.
I definitely want to set up a system where I can’t “accidentally” overspend. I’ve never been in a situation (at least, not since high school) where I didn’t have money coming in every two weeks, so there was an automatic cushion in that I have always expected an additional influx of cash. Now it’s different, so I want to make sure I don’t end up eating nothing but Top Ramen for all of December, you know?
I am not sure if I can live well well below the student budget – all the current students I have talked to say it is pretty difficult, even if housing costs are low as there are a lot of other program costs that come up. But I am certainly going to try to keep costs as low as possible.
(To forestall the standard “grad school is a mistake” objections – I have examined both the median and mean average post grad salary for this degree and it will substantially increase my earning power — it is not law school, but think of it as on par with H/Y/S law school, ie, top tier in my field and well known for being a worthwhile degree where most graduates end up gainfully employed.)
fey and sudden
Ladies, I need your collective wisdom and encouragement….I was let go at my job. It was very sudden, and completely unexpected by me.
I’ve got some severance and savings, so I should have time to find something new…but its the feelings that hurt.
I feel like a loser, and even though my friends want me around, I feel like they secretly pity me, or that I no longer am their peer, since they’re all employed, successful chicks.
And no matter how much time I spend applying for jobs and networking, I have too much time alone with my thoughts
I was hoping some of you might have stories of a similar time, and how you emerged stronger on the other side.
May
I have no experience to draw from and have found work setbacks very hard to swallow too, but wanted to send you a big hug!
Double Hoo
Your friends are probably secretly terrified that if someone as awesome as you can lose their job, it could happen just as easily to them too. It’s fear, not pity.
I am about to start a new job after a long period of unemployment, and it does suck. The only thing I can say is to keep your head up. It is NOT you, it is this stupid, horrible, unfair economy, and I am sorry you even have to deal with it. Other people will not know what to say to you, so you can often set the tone of the conversation — in my case, I was relentlessly upbeat even when I almost didn’t believe it myself. Tell yourself and others that it’s a much bigger issue than you individually, you are not taking things personally, and you know something is out there for you somewhere. It’s a “fake it ’til you make it” attitude, because you absolutely have to maintain belief in yourself.
Also, people will project their own experiences onto you big-time. So take any judgy comments with a pinch of salt. I was applying for jobs in a particular field in a particular city where I do not live at the moment, and every person I talked to in my current area (where moving is not really the done thing, it’s a small town) heard about my plans, nodded sagely, and then said, “and what are you going to do what that doesn’t work? You need a back-up plan.” And it so happens that after 190 applications, I got the exact kind of job I wanted in the exact city, and they were all wrong. Just because people you talk to failed or are afraid of failure or whatever issues they bring, doesn’t mean that’s what will happen to you.
I also completely understand the “too much time alone with your thoughts” problem. My best advice is to find the physical exercise you hate most and go and do it to exhaustion. Physical tiredness is much better than mental tiredness, and I don’t get the overtired monkey-mind constant internal chatter as much when I exercise. I’m not serene by nature and this is something I constantly struggle with.
Best of luck.
roses
“Your friends are probably secretly terrified that if someone as awesome as you can lose their job, it could happen just as easily to them too. It’s fear, not pity. ”
+10000. I just got scared reading that, as I have a performance review tomorrow. Same thing I felt when a friend got no-offered during her summer (who ended up finding a job elsewhere for post-grad, btw). Especially since the start of the recession, people realize that being let go isn’t necessarily a bad reflection on who you are as a person. I don’t have any stories personally, but please be reassured that if your friends are anything like every single decent person I know, they will not look down on you for this.
KLG
I complete agree with all of this, especially the fear and faking it ’til you make it. I also agree with what TBK said below about letting your self worth get wrapped up in your job.
I was unemployed for 4 months, then did 2 months of contract work, and then 10 months at the worst job in the world where I made nothing, but now I have a super sweet gig and all my friends are jealous of my hours/vacation but are afraid of the paycut and lower prestige of my current position. Because I had all that time off, it doesn’t bother me in the slighest. Also, I met my now husband while I was unemployed because I had time to go visit friends in the middle of the week…
Olivia Pope
“even though my friends want me around, I feel like they secretly pity me, or that I no longer am their peer, since they’re all employed, successful chicks”
Important fact to remember: your friends want you around. They’re your friends. They (should) love you! Any friend who would not want you around because you’ve hit a rough patch is not actually your friend. I know you just got blindsided by your last job, but don’t let that suspicion bleed into your normal relationships.
TBK
I’ve been unemployed and it s@cks. On the (sort of) upside – I had no idea how much of my self-worth I had wrapped up in my job and its prestige. Being unemployed completely undid me, and that was eye-opening in a good, if painful, way. That’s sort of the long view and hard to deal with now, but this is a great time to build up your sense of self outside your job. And to view other people and their worth as something more than their jobs (I realized how guilty I was of this, too).
In the meantime, is your line of work something you can do without being employed? Can you volunteer in your field (e.g., do pro bono work if you’re a lawyer, tutor kids in your area of expertise)? Can you blog in your field, write an article, do some kind of speaking engagement? Doing this will help you feel like you’re still a [whatever your profession is], help you feel like you still belong with your peers, and look terrific to prospective employers.
Finally, do you have someone — a partner, a good friend, your mom — who will check in on you and, on the days the couch is going to swallow you whole as you wallow in bad TV and misery, drag you out the door and to the park, the beach, a movie, *anything* other than the wallowy, miserable little pity party you were planning for yourself? (I’ve been there, too, where nothing seems as appealing as crying, eating ice cream, and watching Oprah. Luckily, my husband physically hounded me off the couch, put me in the car, and put me on a beach. Things suddenly seemed better.)
But I’m sorry, it’s really rough. It will get better.
Me too
This happened to me – and to a certain extent is still happening since I’m still not in a permanent job I’d like to be in. Right after I was laid off I went through a period of what I am pretty sure was deep depression, I barely left the house for anything other than job interviews. I was being paid NOT to work basically and I took zero advantage of it because I was so depressed.
A few things that helped me get through – I tried to schedule my day. I got up at a certain time. I planned a certain amount of time for job hunting (and that was all) – I tried to schedule lunches or coffee dates with both friends and networking acquaintances. I tried to make sure I got out of the house and SAW someone every day, no matter what. And trust me, your friends do not think you are a loser or pathetic (or if they do – they are sucky friends and you should drop them like a hot potato). They probably feel terrible and they have no idea what to do to make you feel better. They probably want to help and feeling helpless is just as frustrating for the as it is for you. So make time to spend with them to do fun things where you just don’t talk about your job hunt or work or anything (presumably that’s not what your friendships revolved around before) – if you need to save money, suggest activities that are less expensive.
Finally, and I know not everyone likes this advice, but it was during this time that my primary care doctor first put me on anti-depressants. At the time it was partially to treat migraines, but I think it also really helped my mood. You might consider it. And maybe, if your health insurance covers it, talking to a therapist.
I’m so sorry this is happening. It sucks. But it is also something that happens to many many people – you aren’t alone. And it may happen to your friends too – being an awesome, high-achieving chick does NOT make you immune from job loss or economic downturns.
ezt
I am so sorry you are going through this. I got laid off last year, and felt everything you’re describing, so much so that reading your post brought tears to my eyes. The worst thing that I did after I got laid off was to keep it a secret from everyone (other than my spouse) and hide out at home. Eventually, when I actually had to stop going to work, I had to start telling people – and as much as it was awkward and I felt judged and didn’t give my lovely friends the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t looking down on me, it was still better than having a Big Secret. Once I got over it and told the right people, I was able to set up a volunteering gig for a little while, which put me in a much better frame of mind for my interviews, and I landed a job which I love pretty quickly after that. Looking back, knowing what I knew about the realities of the market in general and my firm in particular, I can’t believe I beat myself up as much as I did. Try to be kind to yourself – you’re the ONLY one thinking these awful thoughts about you. When, not if, you come out on the other end of this, you’ll realize that you’re absolutely the same person you always were, with all of the same intelligence and drive, and you’ll find something worthy of your time and effort to apply all of that to.
fey and sudden
Thank you, to everyone who responded! I’m reading over your answers every time I start to feel low.
May's LinkdIn dilemma
Lovely ladies,
Im not yet on LinkdIn although I’ve got people asking to add me to their network etc.
It’s getting very embarassing and I’m worried about not doing this right.
Please could you advise or just remind me how to access related threads which appeared on this site?
Thanks,
May
cc
Do you mean you are getting emails asking you to connect? Or they are asking you in person? If its just the email please dont be embarassed, that’s not like a personal invitation. Sometimes people click on the “invite my contacts to connect” and it just sends out the email. For instance sometimes I get the invitation to connect email at my school address, even though I am on linked in (but I use my gmail address.) Do you have other profiles like facebook? I found the linked in process to be pretty easy to fill out, it guides you step by step through the process to set up a profile. As for connecting with people, only add people you actually know, and remember that unless you change the setting people can see when you look at their profile.
this is fake, right?
right?
May
Oh dear, now I feel even worse for asking, but I’m afraid this is true.
rosie
I think you are asking how to search this site for prior posts about a topic, right?
try:
[search term] site:[thissite.com]
Sydney Bristow
If you want to set up a LinkedIn account, then it’s pretty easy to go to the website to set it up. Part of the reason you may be getting a lot of requests to connect is that LinkedIn tries to get users to connect their email accounts so you can see if anyone you know is already on LinkedIn. It saves time rather than searching for people individually at first, but there is an option to invite everyone from your email contact list to connect, which you probably don’t want to do. If you do use that option, then I think it sends an email to everyone inviting them to connect to you regardless of whether you already have an account. Don’t worry about responding to these emails in any way unless you want to set up an account and connect with them.
May
Thanks everyone! That was helpful.
Hair issues
Hi all,
I have a question for ladies with very bushy hair: what the heck do you do with it to keep it from looking too unruly? I don’t have especially thick individual hairs, but I have very dense hair overall. Right now I have it in shoulder-length layers and I have been getting it Japanese straightened for a while, which controls some of the poofiness. But on a day-to-day basis, it’s nigh-on unstylable (at least for my minimal hairdressing abilities). It has a habit of falling into my face, so I either have it in a ponytail, a half-up half-down style, or a messy bun when I’m annoyed with it. It won’t do a sock bun or a Gibson roll, and it’s not quite long enough to look nice in a braid.
I need a trim and will be looking for a stylist in my new city soon, so I’m wondering if there is any magic they can do to help tame it. A shorter cut doesn’t work on me for a few reasons, but maybe there are other options.
Flat iron
I have hair like this and the flat iron is my best friend. Just five minutes on some problem areas that tend to flip/poof/get cowlicky the worst really keeps it looking better and more polished all day. My hair is naturally so think that the flat iron never gives me the gwyneth paltrow super stick straight thing. It just makes me actually look like I have the hair of an adult.
LilyB
more layers, plus maybe some long side-bangs, coupled with blowing your hair out once every other day? (i like this: http://www.amazon.com/John-Frieda-JFHA5-Brush-inch/dp/B0056GDG90 ) not washing it every day might help too.
Ella
Is your hair naturally curly or wavy? I would have described my hair a lot like yours before I learned how wear my hair curly instead of pretending like it was straight (which created a huge poofy mess). I use shampoo, conditioner, and products made for curly hair, and don’t blow dry/straighten any more.
big dipper
This. I was super frustrated with my hair until one day, at age 24, I finally realized my hair was curly/wavy. Learning how to manage the natural state of my hair has been much easier than trying to pretend my hair is straight.
KLG
Third. My hair got curlier around the time I headed off to college. It had previously just been a little wavy so I just blew it dry and went about my business but suddenly my hair was really poofy when I did that and this was years before I discovered flat irons. Thankfully a friend of a friend asked if she could style my hair, hauled me into the shower to wet it, and scrunched it with mousse. Viola, normal looking curly hair. Who knew? I used to just pin some of it back out of my face but I have since learned to style it so that isn’t necessary.
A
Are you me? I have the same issue. I have discovered I have to keep it a certain length (no shorter than shoulder) and japanese straightened to keep it tame. I tried going natural over the last 18 mos but it’s not happy. I’m keeping it weighted down right now with teh Aussie conditioner but am trying to figure out when I can get in for straightening + no hairwash for 48 hours.
eek
A great haircut will make all the difference in the world – I have very thick, wavy hair and with the right cut it looks the best it ever has. One of the best investments I’ve ever made. I’d ask for recommendations here. If you’re in DC I have one.
Hair issues
Sorry, not in DC, but thanks anyway!
Anon
Would you mind sharing your rec for DC?
Gus
You may find that growing out the layers would help. The longer your hair, the more weight it will have, which will help pull it down and keep from poufing out. I have very thick hair, but almost all one length, except just a few shorter layers just around my face. My hair has a lot of wave to it (not good wave, just enough to make it want to stick out in funny directions), so I keep it tamed with a flat iron. I also find that washing and drying my hair at night helps, because that way it’s already been slept on and flattened out a bit come morning. And don’t wash your hair too often, freshly washed hair will be poufier. Every 3 or even 4 days should be sufficient for thick hair.
Flat iron
Yes, layers are not your friend with this type of hair. I would also specifically ask to get some of the volume taken out of your hair with your next hair cut. They can use these “thinning sheers” to just take out the weight that makes my hair get really bushy which is amazing. My hair still looks really thick, just more manageable.
Hair issues
Thanks, all.
My hair is sort of in-between. It’s not curly, and the underneath part tends to be a bit wavy but the top is just heavy and straight when left to its own devices. I flat iron and blow dry when I feel particularly motivated, but it never holds for long when I do it… and takes so long that doing it on a daily or every-other-daily basis gets old. Weirdly, I have found that washing it two evenings before I need it to look nice seems to work — so if I need it to look good for Wednesday, I wash it on Monday night and wear it up on Tuesday, and by Wednesday it has flattened out as much as it would if I blow-dried it. I can go four days between washings and it’s fine.
I’m scared to get more layers cut in because of the poofiness, but I’m wondering about letting it grow a bit longer. I don’t want it to totally overwhelm by face, but maybe shoulder length is the worst of all worlds because I don’t have as many styling options.
I wish I had some of the Sleekeasy magic hair potion that Hermione Granger uses!
Gus
With that kind of hair (which is mine exactly), you just HAVE to blow dry it and/or flat iron. There’s no way around it. If I want my hair to look really good, I do both. I can get away with just blow drying if I pay attention to how I’m doing it, but I actually find that it’s faster for me just to blow dry it any old which way and then flat iron (which only takes me about 5 minutes or so). But if you do a good job with the flat iron, it really shouldn’t poof again until your next wash, unless you have a crazy humid day. I think if your hair was longer, you might also find that it’s not in your face at all. Mine is below my shoulders and when I wear it down, I find that it mostly just falls behind my shoulders down my back (sometimes with just a little tucking the front behind my ears). It was when it was shorter that it was all in my face and annoying.
L
+1
Although you could also do blowdry, plus hot rollers (hit them with your blowdryer so the top layer doesn’t get frizzy and let it cool completely).
Joanie
I keep my hair long, with long layers (longest layers are about 3-4 inchest past my bra strap and shortest layers are about an inch above my bra strap) and it helps to weigh it down and keep it smooth. Short hair and hair all one length just look like a poofy mess on me. I also blow dry and use the straighter most days. Also, putting some smoothing oil/serum on before blow drying also helps.
Ru
Have you tried fingercombing oil through your hair? Just a little bit. I’ve used coconut oil, olive oil, baby oil or even the Neutrogena body oil. Put a little bit in the palms of your hands, rub your hands together and sweep through your hair starting about 2″ away from your scalp. It should help you get your 4-day hair sooner. I do this on wet or dry hair.
dancinglonghorn
I have similiar hair and I feel that I finally have it under control. Here is my system:
*Only wash max twice per week. Once per week is deal. My hair just cannot handle being stripped of all its oils more frequently than that or else it gets super frizzy!
*I only brush with either a tangle teaser or one of those boar’s hair brushes. My hairdresser suggested this and it took me a long time to get used to the feeling of no longer ramming a brush through my hair but it really does look so much better. It even distributes oils through my hair and minimizes breakage.
*No product in my hair. Applying oil/product once my hair is dry makes it super greasy and messes up my own oil production.
*However, I use undiluted argon oil in the shower when I wash my hair (just add 3-5 drops to your conditioner, leave on for 5 minutes and rinse out).
*Also, I totally agree that your hair needs to be heavy enough to have weight. My hair has finally hit that length and looks so much better!
Best of luck!
Help?
I’ve recently realized that I have self-sabotaging tendencies and major control issues in my personal relationships. It’s been especially bad lately with my live-in boyfriend. Essentially, anytime I don’t get my way, I get really upset and start questioning the entire relationship. These are generally really small things too. For example, he said he had never seen the grocery list that I know I handed him last night, I quickly went to the idea that our relationship just wouldn’t work. I’ve also realized that I constantly compare myself to others and that’s really taking a toll on my self-esteem. My father was manipulative and abusive, I moved around a lot since my step-father was in the military, so I think I have a general idea of where these issues come from, but I’d really like to work on fixing them. I know I need to see a therapist, but I’m not sure what type/where to even begin. I’m also wondering if any of you have any books to recommend for a little DIY self-improvement?
L
Skip the DIY option and search your insurance’s website for a counselor. The time it would take you to roll through a book and try to do it all on your own you could be in therapy.
Anon in NYC
Ditto. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program, that might also be a good place to start for a referral.
Guinness Girl
Yes, I am in favor of counseling, too. You can address a lot of existing issues in not a lot of sessions – so don’t think you’ll be signing up for months or years of work (you might decide to keep working with a therapist periodically over a series of months, though, if it’s working well for you). Give it a try and see what you think.
Anon22
I would advise seeing a counsellor as well. Maybe you can start by looking for one who deals with family issues. Hope that helps.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m overwhelmed by the sadness in Oklahoma. I hope all of the ladies of this site are well and safe. If there is anything we can do for any of you, please ask.
just Karen
I’m about 100 miles from the devastation, and having a hard time not spending the morning glued to news stories. The good news is that the death toll has actually gone down based on some double counting in the early chaos. The horror is in the number of people who are still trapped in the rubble. Former Mid-Level moved to Oklahoma in the fall, but I think she was well away from that area as well. Are there any other Okies here?
InfoGeek
Sat at work and watched it on TV yesterday afternoon as they named intersections extremely close to my house.
We were lucky and did not get hit, but it took a couple of hours to know that. We have no power, but that’s so minor in the scheme of things.
Getting around the south side of town is difficult due to closed streets and traffic light outages. At least the interstates are open today.
It is really truly awful in a way you just can’t understand from TV.
I feel for the parents who are still looking for their children….. I really can’t watch the news anymore because it’s too overwhelming.
Did I mention that it’s storming again right now? Luckily it’s too cold for tornados, but everything is getting drenched, there’s thunder/lightning, and we could get large hail.
KLG
Stay safe all.
tesyaa
I was looking at an old post about how much various readers spend on clothing per year (or per month). Can I ask, when budgeting for clothes, do people tend to include underwear, bras, hosiery etc? I find these items do add up.
Calibrachoa
With the size of my chest, I have to – there is no such thing as a cheap bra in the K cup range. *sigh*
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
Try N*rdstrom Rack. I am admittedly smaller, but still need an (according to VS) unusual size (DDD borderline F) and I’ve found $20-$25 b*as. Now, there not the prettiest things in my drawer, but they get the job done.