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I have been iffy on the oxford trend for a while, but a) these sleek shoes look nice enough to wear with everything from ankle pants to trousers to skirts, and b) the reviewers all trumpet the COMFORT of these shoes. They're available in brown, marked down to $99.50, in sizes 5.5-9.5. Nice. (Black is now sold out, but there's a black patent at Lord & Taylor for $116, on sale.) Marc Fisher Ltd. ‘Katie' Oxford
Here's an Oxford, also at Nordstrom, that comes in extended sizes and widths (no laces, though).
(L-4)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
SSJD
I’ve been loving the oxford trend. I have had several pairs. The best was patent leather from Ara’s brand called Jenny. I loved those and wore them to pieces. Would have bought the exact same pair a second time but could not find them anywhere. Now I have an AGL pair that looks very sharp but is not quite as comfortable.
Anyone have experience with slippers made by Haflinger? I saw a pair at Nordstrom yesterday and am now obsessed. They are like clogs with cork soles and wool around your foot. Looks extremely warm and durable. But they are $125!! For slippers! I had been an “Old Friend” wearer for years, but those seemed really expensive (about $65 per pair) and didn’t last as long as I thought they should (maybe three winters for each pair), so I’ve been wearing cheaper options for a few winters. Most recently I bought a Minnetonka pair for about $30, which are comfortable and warm, but nothing like the Haflingers. Anyone have experience with the brand? I’ll post a link in a minute. (They also have less shoe-like pairs, with latex soles so also lots of support but less rigid than the cork. I think cork is awesome because it molds to my foot and gives it support, like in my summer Naot.)
SSJD
The haflinger slippers:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/haflinger-cutout-slipper-women/4057895?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=&resultback=456
shoe shopper
I have them and totally love them. I was looking for something to wear around the house that would be a winter version of Birkenstocks – they pretty much have the same sole. Wearing these instead of thin-soled slippers (0r just socks) has solved my heel pain and back issues. Not the cutest shoes, but totally worth it to me.
Anonymous
They’re awesome! My folks, my husband, and I each wear them. I keep a pair at my parents’ house too. And they last for years and years. So while they’re expensive up front, they aren’t expensive long term. We only wear them inside though.
Anonymous
Any recommendations for a tailor in downtown DC/metro accessible? Thanks!
Wildkitten
Either Lofton.
Nice Cube
DC ‘r e t t e s! What is on your DC to-do/to-see list for winter?
I’ve been in the area for almost 10 years and there are still so many things I haven’t seen. What is on your ultimate DC to do list? Bonus points if I can bring my toddler.
So ideas so far: Library of Congress, Lincoln’s Cottage, Old Rag hike..
I'm Just Me ...
There was just a Groupon listing for Lincoln’s Cottage, it’s probably still up on the site.
Emmer
Short term, I really want to check out the new Atlantic Plumbing move theater over by the 9:30 club. Also lots of new/newish restaurants I haven’t been to – The Dabney, The Royal, Convivial.
Long term, I just got a car so I can finally check out the great ethnic food in the ‘burbs that DC is lacking. I think Annandale is my first stop for Korean and Chinese. I also have been meaning to hike Old Rag too (only when it warms up though!).
When I eventually have kids I’d love to go to the White House Easter Egg Roll – definitely enter the lottery to see if you can bring your little one this spring!
Emmer
OH I can’t believe I almost forgot – take your toddler to see Bei Bei!!! I saw him last week, and he is 20 lbs of adorable. Bao Bao is still cute and funny as ever too. Check out the panda cam before you leave to see if you can catch the pandas when they are awake!
Anonymous
Tanpopo ramen house in Annandale is my favorite ramen option in the DMV. Also check out snocream (served out of a bus behind the Kmart). I’ve been to two really good Korean BBQ places there as well.
Anonymous
The last exhibit at the Renwick Gallery
Anon
Minters, what’s your grocery vs dining out breakdown?
Because of all you ladies, I started the app for the new year and have been a little shocked to see how much I spend eating out! It’s my main (only) form of socializing, though. I don’t drink when I’m out (too expensive), but I’ll meet up with friends after work for dinner. If I’m home, I will cook. And those $10 lunches when I don’t bring something from home are painful.
Anonymous
Would a glass of wine not be cheaper than a meal? And then go home and eat there?
anon
No fun to sit there and be hungry when everyone else is eating, and then go home and have to cook while slightly buzzed. Ugh, that sounds awful.
My social life is similar to OPs in that it is largely food based-I mostly just accept it as the cost of socializing. I cut costs by diligently bringing lunches to work, less alcohol out (I mean, do I really need another 12$ glass of wine? I do not), and sometimes being the friend who says “yo guys, lets go to X hole-in-the-wall place rather than Y fancy new cocktail bar/tapas place).
Walnut
I’ll sometimes order an appetizer for my entree to save a bit of cash eating out or I’ll order something that will produce leftovers for the next day.
emeralds
I make a real effort to meet friends for a drink, rather than dinner. Sometimes it doesn’t work for whatever reason, but one glass of wine is a lot better for my wallet than one glass of wine + main course. I also like inviting a friend or two over to my apartment for a bottle of wine and takeout, or some low-cost easily-shareable meal like pasta.
For the OP, I spend $40-60 on dining out (including coffees and drinks) per month, and then $60-120 on groceries, depending on how many staples I’m out of. This will probably be a $120 month since I so diligently grocery-shopped my pantry in November and December.
Anonymous
This exactly. Don’t sit there not eating, just start making plans that aren’t dinner. A drink, stopping for coffee, or getting a manicure (obviously only if you’re doing them already or no savings) or a movie are all cheaper than dinners all the time.
Anon OP
Please, please tell me you live in a LCOLA. Because as a single woman in DC, I’ve spent $300 eating out and $150 on groceries so far this month.
Tetra
I’m in DC, and my partner’s and my combined restaurant budget (including fast-casual lunches) is around $650/mo. It’s expensive, but the lunches are a social thing at work, and the dinners out are our main form of entertainment, so I’m fine with it.
emeralds
I do live in a LCOL area, but with that said…I live in a LCOL area with a LOT of upscale, pricey, and amaaaaaazing restaurants (Richmond, for those DC residents who might be familiar with the food scene here). I spent $25 on a drink and dessert last night. Delicious, totally worth it, so glad I did it, but I will be making some major tradeoffs for the rest of the month to balance that budget line. (Like no coffees out at all. Sob.) Groceries are definitely cheaper here, though.
But with that said, do what works for you and your budget and your location and your lifestyle! I’m doing this right now because I kinda have to if I ever want to buy a house AND be in the weddings I’m being in this year. I do not plan on being as strict as I am right now forever.
Anonymous
I’m in DC as well. I spend about $400/month on groceries and about $600/month on drinks/food out. I can afford it, but my eating out expenditures seem a little crazy, and I’m trying to dial it back.
Anonymous
LCOL area or not, those numbers are seriously impressive, Emeralds. .
emeralds
Thanks! It’s taken a lot of effort. When I started budgeting seriously, I was shocked and appalled at how much money I was spending on groceries, so it’s been a major project to get those numbers to where they are. I loooove food and I love swanky grocery stores.
Anonymous
Can you detail how you spend this little? I eat cheap meats and cook 90% of my meals and have to spend about $50 a week on grocerie. I would love to know how you spend so little.
emeralds
As someone mentioned above, I do live in a LCOL area, which helps with this a lot. Here are my greatest hits. I could probably add more but I do have a job, not that you can tell by my activity level on this thread :)
1. Detailed and strict meal planning.
2. Shopping list at the store for what I need to stick to the aforementioned meal plan. Forbidding myself to impulse-buy ANYTHING, which has been huge for me–I love food and it is so easy for me to walk into Whole Foods for $30 worth of groceries and come out with a cart that cost $120 because ooh look at that fancy cheese! and wow, those avocados look amazing and they’re on sale, I should grab a few! and you know I need crackers to go with my fancy cheese, and now I want to make guacamole with my avocados so I need all those fixins, etc.
3. I eat mostly vegetarian, so I almost never buy meat. Protein at home is beans, eggs, and nuts (now $2 peanut butter, not the fancy Wild Friends almond butter of my dreams). Now that it’s winter I’m making lots of hearty bean-based soups and freezing them, so that I always have lunches ready. Also, burrito bowls and pasta. This wouldn’t work for everyone but it works for me.
4. Shopping for only in-season produce. Always having plenty of bags of frozen veggies on hand, and stocking up when they’re on sale–they’re cheaper and are frozen at peak ripeness, so they still have most of the nutrients.
5. Giving up on buying everything organic. This is a tradeoff that I’m making for now, but plan to reverse at some point.
6. No longer indulging my love for Whole Foods and Fresh Market, unless I need something specific I can’t get anywhere else. When you start paying attention, the markup is appalling–one time I saw the exact same brand of organic bananas for $1.89/lb at Fresh Market, where they were $.89/lb at the Giant across the street.
7. No beer or wine at home unless I’m having company. This saves me $10-15 a week immediately.
Anonymous
check out budget bytes, a blog
Veronica Mars
I don’t have exact numbers because my bank no longer supports 3rd party sites like mint, but according to my cc’s tracking, I’ve spent $160/month over the past three months on groceries and $80/month on eating out (which should actually be higher, because I used some cash for my eating out in November and December). This month will probably be about $120ish on eating out and $170 for groceries when it’s all said and done. I tried to cut back on eating out this month but I had a girl’s weekend with a few expensive dinners which killed it, and I’m back into online dating so I expect it’ll keep rising as I go out more frequently to meet people.
ace
Family of 4 – approx. $750 for groceries and $450 for restaurants per month. Trying to bring lunch more and minimize restaurant convenience costs, but sometimes it’s just so d@mn convenient to pick up food on the way home! One thing we’ve started to do is pick up a ready-made/almost completely prepped meal at the grocery store and “cook” it at home — a little cheaper and generally healthier than a straight carry-out order.
Anon
Two adults. Groceries are $100 a month and dining out varies between $100-$200 a month.
Jordan
Mine is 50/50 for last year so I am trying to eat at home more. About $400 per month total including any travel food.
Anon for this
My husband and I spend about $1,000 per month on groceries and $300 eating out each month. We’re trying to bring those numbers down.
Anon in NYC
What are some of the best recipes you’ve made recently? I’m looking for some inspiration.
I just made corn risotto stuffed poblanos from Smitten Kitchen (in her book, although I think you can find the recipe online). It was so delicious, and a perfect hearty vegetarian entrée. Definitely more of a weekend project for me because there were multiple steps that I just don’t want to do on a weeknight, but the actual process was pretty easy.
SA
Seven Can Soup
Don’t drain. Use all liquid
Brown one pound hamburger and fry with one chopped onion
Add
1 can corn
1 can chili beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can 8 oz tomato sauce
2 cans diced tomatoes
I can green chilies optional
I package taco seasoning mix
I cup water
Toppings of your choice
SA
Drain the hamburger first though ;)
Cherry
Beetroot Tate Tatin from SortedFood. Super easy and looks amazing! I recommend cutting up the beets into a bit smaller chunks then they used, they were a bit unwieldy when it was finished.
Anonymous
That looks crazy good.
Anon in NYC
I have a friend who would love that!
Duchess
The Pioneer Woman’s tomato tart. Crazy good. My boyfriend doesn’t really liked cooked vegetables (we’re working on this…) and he loved it, too.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/tomato-tart/
Anona
Smitten Kitchen’s roasted tomatoes and cipollini recipe is divine. It sounds weird, but it’s very good.
X
The Food Lab’s Quick Pantry Tomato Soup (in the book, not the vegan version) and Easy Skillet Braised Chicken with White Wine, Fennel and Pancetta (https://www.washingtonpost.com/pb/recipes/easy-skillet-braised-chicken-white-wine-fennel-and-pancetta/14934/).
Also, Cooking Light’s All American Chili, but I make it in the Crockpot:
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/all-american-chili
Dulcinea
Healthier creamy spinach side dish- lightly sautee some garlic in oil or butter. Add a splash of broth, wine, or apple cider. Add spinach, fresh or frozen. (frozen works fine here, just takes longer to cook, obviously).
Cover & cook on medium/low until warm/wilted. Add some more minced garlic, salt (more than you think you need), several generous splashes of lemon juice, pepper and other spices of choice (couple splashes of Frank’s red Hot sauce works well here, or McCormick’s Greek Blend). Add several dollops of full-fat plain yogurt. Add chopped artichoke hearts. Mix and let it warm 1-3 minutes more.
You can also mix in some chickpeas or other beans to add protein.
Edna Mazur
This sounds amazing!
emeralds
Budget Bytes tortilla soup and Cookie and Kate’s black bean soup. Both of those are now going to be in heavy rotation for me!
Anonattorney
I made a white bean and kale stew over the weekend. Secret ingredients are chicken sausage, miso in the broth, fish sauce in the broth, and white vinegar. I basically just add fish sauce to everything now. Everything. Ahhhhh.
Anon in NYC
Fish sauce in the soup sounds really interesting!
I forgot to add that I made Franny’s white bean and escarole soup a week or two ago. So delicious. If you google “Franny’s” and cannellini bean and escarole soup, you’ll find it.
N.C. anon
I am a huge evangelist for Budget Bytes’s jambalaya recipe. Also really enjoyed a recipe for chicken salsa verde with hominy stew from Cooking Light recently.
ORD
Jim Lahey’s no-knead bread. I can’t believe I didn’t know about this before — it’s amazing.
Greece
Greece travel tips? We’re at the early planning stages. Thinking 10 days, May, Athens and Santorini and . . . We like exploring cute towns, drinking wine, some shopping, and seeing the sites. Not big night life types but very into good food. Friends not spouses if that matters.
Anonymous
Santorini is far and away the best of the islands and Athens has some really cool historical sites worth seeing, so you’re definitely on the right track. With only 10 days I might just do Athens and Santorini although you could easily add a second island. We did Mykonos and it was ok. It was nice to have the variety from Santorini, but definitely less beautiful and much more about the nightlife (we’re not into it either). Mykonos town is cute, though, and there are some nice beaches on the island too. If I ever get back to the Greek Isles, I’ll re-visit Santorini but try out a different island instead of Mykonos. I’ve heard good things about Paros, but from pics it looks a lot more like Mykonos than Santorini, so I think Santorini is pretty unique.
We stayed in Esperas in Oia, Santorini and loved it. I’ve sent multiple friends there as well and they’ve all had a great experience.
We didn’t find the food in either Athens or the isles that great, but we didn’t eat in any Michelin-type places. I like gyros and the other Greek food I’ve had in the US better, to be honest.
Wanderlust
Chiming in to say I loved Paros! It is smaller and less touristy and all-around charming. You can take a day-trip to Antiparos (via quick ferry, I think around 20 minutes) to see a really cool giant cave.
Also in Academia
Was just coming here to write this exact same thing. I would choose Paros over Mykonos in a heartbeat. The day trip to Antiparos also gives you the opportunity to buy some really great crafts that I felt were authentic. I really wish I had brought back some weaving now.
Meg March
We went a couple of years ago and found that we were “done” with Athens after only a couple days. There are day trips available, either to surrounding islands or going inland. We ended up going on day trips to various surrounding islands and returning to Athens each evening– Greece was our last stop on a multi-country trip, and we were exhausted and wanted to do nothing more than visit pretty beaches, suntan, and eat lots of fish, which the day trips were perfect for.
Meg March
Oh, I’ll also add that we were in Athens for about 5 full days and think 2-3 full days there would have been perfect.
Anonymous
I agree you don’t need more than a couple of days in Athens. We used one for sightseeing the Parthenon and the surrounding area (museums, Plaka neighborhood) and one for taking a day trip to Delphi. I wouldn’t have minded a third day, but I felt like we saw all the “must see” sites. Certainly if you decide to do two islands, you should spend no more than two full days in Athens.
Anonymous
Second the trip to Delphi, and no more than 3 days in Athens!
emeralds
Haven’t been myself yet, but I hear Delphi is a must-do!
Anonymous
Naxos is great if you want to visit another island.
Anonymous
Definitely no more than two days in Athens. We had been told that many times but didn’t believe it. We landed, spent the night, and hit the historical sites early (jet lag was on our side; beat the crowds and August heat), and immediately bought a ticket out of town! We came back one day early to see the museum, and glad we did.
Loved Santorini, even though we’re not normally ‘lay around the pool’ types of people. We rented a four-wheeler to go to the beach and wine tasting, and it was a highlight of the trip. Otherwise had a great time reading by the pool and drinking wine on the patio looking out on the sea. Stay far from the ports, as they are cookie-cutter tourist shops, lousy food, and loaded with rotating batches of cruise ship tourists.
We spent most of our time in Crete. It’s a long trip (we took a plane back to Athens – I recommend), but we really were comfortable there. Beaches are nicer than Santorini by a mile, and there were plenty of day trips.
Greece
Ok so Crete looks awesome but more? Where did you stay?? How did you get around? Do we need a car?
Also thanks!! So interesting.
Anonymous
I love Crete. Great hiking. Great beaches. Great food. The highlight was 5 days in Milia. We spent our mornings hiking and our afternoons at stunning beaches. The restaurant consistently delivered fabulous food, some grown in their garden. I will go back.
Anonymous
I disagree with the “stay away from the ports” advice for Santorini. I wouldn’t recommend a hotel in Fira unless you like nightlife, since that’s the most party-friendly place on Santorini, but it’s a beautiful place and definitely worth a visit. The best sunset we saw on Santorini was there. As someone said the other day about Paris, the highlights are highlights for a reason. So yes, there are junky touristy shops in Fira and Oia, the most popular places on Santorini, but those towns are popular for a reason and you shouldn’t miss them.
Anonymous
May will still be not too warm… Can even be cold. So plan accordingly. The Med will still be chilly as well.
anon0321
I’ve got a gross TMI problem- my period gets crazy leaky and flowy and hard to contain about 1 or 2 days of it. I use pads (Kotex core, which I have found much better than Always) and change them often.
I literally am walking around with a towel around my waist atm & wads of TP in my undies & 3 pairs of black yoga pants under my clothes- nothing helps!
Does anyone have any tips or tricks? Anyone tried those cool new period panties?
I have never been able to use tampons, I find them extremely uncomfortable and I imagine would also find a divacup & their ilk equally uncomfortable.
I am I just doomed to being totally gross 1-2 days of the month? I can’t be the only one with this problem!
BTW I feel fine (in case anyone is worried that this is a major amount of blood loss- I don’t think it’s major- just difficult to contain).
Anonymous
Are you or can you be on birth control? That might help regulate the flow. If it’s really that severe, I’d definitely at least tell a doctor or gynecologist about it to make sure it’s not indicative of something else.
anon0321
No, in my early 20s, I tried depo (nonstop heavy period for 1 year & 20 lb weight gain), then the pill (neausea & just spotting), then finally just went with a non-hormonal IUD (which did make my period heavier) until I decided to get pregnant. Post preg, tried to get another IUD & it fell out & just have been using condoms again.
So in short, have not had huge luck w/ bc and not crazy about trying again.
I do see my gyno regularly- if you aren’t bleeding through a pad an hr they usually say it is within normal range (just super annoying).
Anonymous
There are many other pills that may work fine for you, if you’ve only tried one. Depo is notoriously bad (seriously, no one I know has ever liked it) and Paraguard is known to cause heavy bleeding, so they are probably not great choices if you want to lighten your periods. The hormone in IUDs was also probably different than the hormones in your BC pills, so ironically a hormonal IUD instead of the copper may have actually helped you. Your hormones are likely different now than they were in your early 20’s, which may also help if you have thought about trying the pill again. If not, make sure you get long pads with wings, maybe? People also do seem to like Thinx.
anon
You’ve likely tried this, but a different brand of tampon might be what you need. I like OB and Kotex over Playtex or Tampax- the later brands are too long.
Love my Mirena though (hormones don’t bother me like BC did), so maybe give that another try barring some anatomical issue.
anon0321
I’ll prob try the IUD route again at some point- was just really disappointing when the last one fell out a few weeks ago & haven’t ponied up the courage yet to get another one inserted (it’s only a few seconds of pain, but darned is it painful!). Maybe I’ll try the hormonal one– although one of the reasons I went with it in the first place was the lack of hormones.
I’ve tried different tampons- but maybe I’ll try again– they are always making weird advances in this area.
Also re:pads- I get the longest, heaviest, wingiest option I can find. I had always used always & assumed they were the best, and randomly picked up Kotex & found that they were much wider & I preferred them so much more…. so always worth trying out new brands & options.
Anonymous
The hormone is different and is localized, so it is very light and should differ from the pill you tried. Honestly if you brought up your concerns to your gyn and they recommended a copper IUD, you might want to change doctors. They steered you wrong. They should also be able to adjust an oral pill to see if it another type would be better suited, rather than tell you to avoid hormones altogether.
Anonymous
+1 to anon at 3:27’s recommendation to try OB brand. They are the only product that ever worked for me, but now I have Mirena and don’t need them ever.
Anonymous
I have the same issue and also can’t use things that go inside me. Pads just really aren’t that good for heavy days. I wear machine washable black pants (or sweatpants if it’s a non-work day), go to the bathroom a lot, and put TP inside my underwear (mostly because I find helps the pad stay in place; the TP itself doesn’t absorb that much).
Anonymous
If you can’t use tampons (make sure you’re putting them in far enough, maybe?) you could use hormones to change/stop your periods. Also, you should probably talk to a gyno if you’re compeltely bleeding through a pad in an hour on the regular, that is not normal.
2:41
Not the OP, but for me at least it’s not that I’m soaking a pad every hour (which I agree would be abnormal) it’s that the pad isn’t that effective at catching very sudden flows (like when you’ve been sitting and stand up) and so on heavy days it gets messy.
anon0321
OP- yes! Exactly– anon @ 2:41, am also doing the TP thing.
Mostly just wanted to know if the hivemind had some ideas I hadn’t tried.
Anonymous
Ugh, this happens to me too — bathroom every hour to change a pad. I use Always Super Thin heavy Flow (or something like that). I, too, used to find tampons annoying — till I realized I probably was a dunce at inserting them. Now I use them + pad for my heaviest days (and especially at night!).
I’m tempted to give those period panties a try, so that they can be my third line of defense when pad and tampon fail. They seem to work. (Buzzfeed did a test.)
anon0321
Not to sound like an ad but- Anon @ 4:32, give kotex ultra thin overnight pads w/ 3d capture core tech a try (they come in a black box w/ neon writing). I find them WAY better than always & had loved that version of always prior. These kotex ones are a bit wider, which helps. I hadn’t even thought of giving them a try until someone mentioned them here a yr or 2 ago & was really impressed. Still have the problem 1 or 2 days of the cycle though as I said above.
Saw the buzzfeed test! Made me really curious- I think I’ll order a pair today, can’t hurt.
No leaks
Try the Dear Kate brand panties (Ada) or the VV Skivvys brand panties (i bought the Vintage Junes). These leakproof options really help me one day per month when things get crazy. Both brands work. Just a little extra insurance!
anon0321
Awesome! Will get them! I’ve been seeing ads for them online & thought they might be good for just this– wanted to know if anyone had actual experience with them. :)
Anonymous
I’ve tried the thinx panties, I have mixed feelings. I still use in combination with tampons because I find they’re not reliable enough. I still experience leaks every once in a while (the same kind you are describing). I’m not sure the absorbency would be enough for you.
anon0321
Could you also use them with pads or would that defeat the usefulness?
No leaks
Ok- for me i use either Dear Kates or VvSkivvys with both pad and tampon, for slow leak insurance during crazy days. I cant say how they would work for sudden big leaks- the Thinx site, i just saw, mentions their Icon line for bladder control, so maybe that has the fast absorbency you’d want. Good luck!
anon0321
Any advice on sizing- do they run true to size?
No leaks
I think both were true to size…i remember looking at their size charts on their s!tes and what I ordered fit…no surprises.
Anonymous
I just bought those new period panties and am waiting (a few days? who knows) to see how they work. I will let you know!
Anonymous
Have you tried the Diva cup? I haven’t tried it, but everyone I know who has adores it. Also tampons are so much better for heavy days, is there a reason you don’t use them?
anon0321
I find them very uncomfortable- I’ve tried different brand to no avail… feel like Diva cup would have a similar issue but have heard similarly good things about it.
How about
You might want to try the Soft Cup. Diva cup sits lower and you might feel it. Soft cup sits up along your cervix so you shouldn’t feel it. Different shape and structure than a tampon too.
Anonymous
I agree with an above poster, OB tampons are more comfortable than others I’ve tried
AnonForthis
Anecda but I have found my diva cup way more comfortable than tampons. I would almost get nauseous, and definitely more crampy and uncomfortable with tampons but the diva cup is way better.
anon0321
Good to know- will probably give it a try at some point. I find the process of placing something against my cervix kind of scary & confusing, but should probably just bite the bullet & figure it out.
How about
I don’t think the diva cup goes against your cervix. That is soft cup as far as I know. The diva cup is bigger and sits lower.
anon
Yes, soft cup sits against the cervix. The diva cup doesn’t.
I used to leak through a pad and a tampon in an hour. Getting the Diva Cup changed my life. No more worries! I also used the Moon Cup for awhile.
lost academic
I’ve had the same kinds of problems and so I tried a variety of tampon types and made sure they were inserted correctly to eliminate discomfort – when I have to use other tampons in am emergency they are very uncomfortable! On the bad days I wear both tampons and pads and plan to change the tampons frequently. So – don’t give up on tampons before trying a LOT of kinds.
anon0321
which ones did you end up liking?
Anonymous
Not the commenter above, but I use the Kotex U brand (that’s marketed to teens), just the regular, since I change them nearly every time I use the restroom.
Anonymous
What is it about tampons that makes them uncomfortable? Conditional on proper insertion, you shouldn’t feel anything at all. I cannot imagine life without tampons.
Anonymous
It’s not a sex-negative thing if that’s what your asking. I just find them uncomfortable- it feels like I’ve stuffed a rod of cotton up myself & I feel it until I pull it out. Bodies & opinions change though & maybe I wouldn’t find it as awful anymore.
I’m super particular about comfort when it comes to clothes, shoes, and really, all things that touch my body. If something is itchy, or rubs me the wrong way… it bothers me until I take it off & I usually will not wear it again.
Anono
Has your doctor checked you for fibroids? I had very heavy periods. My doctor did an ultrasound and found numerous fibroids. She removed them, and make periods have been very manageable since.
anon0321
Did you have laparoscopic surgery?
I do have a fibroid & a cyst so that probably is why I’m bleeding more heavily. They tried to remove the cyst during my c-section a few months ago & it filled back up. The fibroid they said they could not remove in the same procedure because it if went wrong, they might have to do a hysterectomy. My ob-gyn recommended I leave them as is as long as they aren’t being painful or causing fertility issues until I finish having kids because the hormones can make them appear, go away, get bigger, smaller, whatevs. She did say if they bothered me to come back in & they can do the surgery.
Dahlia
I don’t really feel tampons at all (and I started using them as a young teen- I was a dancer so pads weren’t really a realistic option). I found that the ones without an applicator are more comfortable to insert and I insert them a bit deeper (they are shorter) so I don’t really feel them. I would try OB for example, and use the regular ones, not the really big “super” or “ultra” ones which are quite thick. The ones that come with an applicator, especially the cheaper brands, I find uncomfortable to insert and I can feel them once they’re inserted (not really that uncomfortable but I’m aware of them) so I always use OB or similar now.
I also had a few years in surgical residency when I just couldn’t handle periods- I was routinely operating for 12 or 14 hours straight with usually only 1 quick bathroom break, so I would worry about leakage or about needing to scrub out to change my tampon, and TBH I was just so mentally and physically exhausted I just couldn’t handle one extra thing. So I took non-stop birth control so I didn’t have a period for 3 or 4 years. No cramps, no PMS, no periods- It was actually really great. I only stopped because I think trying to conceive might be on the horizon and I wanted to get regular periods back.
Anonymous
I just want to put in a plug for a book called Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I know it’s not without controversy, but his planted-based whole foods approach to eating has been huge for my family. We’re (remarkably) spending less on food while spending more time together cooking and we have all (to varying degrees) experienced a change in our relationship with food.
Anonymous
This is a great book. My family read it as well. I like his approach.
boy in trouble
A relative has a junior high-aged line-backer sized boy who has been a handful (roughing up younger siblings got him banned from home and he has to live with his dad now) and has now sent threatening texts to a classmate (with some thug-speak “I’m gonna git u” ending up with a “jk”). At any rate, Mom and Dad hate each other and it’s all the other parent’s fault (so much so that they are all but useless). Without the parent drama thrown in, is there anything to suggest or do that would be helpful to getting the kid to see that the road he’s on doesn’t end well? I think he’s heading to juvie sooner if not later if this keeps up.
If it were a grownup, I’d say that they’ll reform when they are sick and tired of not doing so and limit contact, but with a child not yet in high school, I don’t think that that’s right.
Anonymous
The kid needs therapy. Siblings fight, but roughing up your younger siblings so much that you get kicked out of the house is not normal.
boy in trouble
I don’t disagree. I think that with the parental disfunction, if they aren’t compelled to go by school (private, so they could compel more consequences — loss of sports privileges, kicked out entirely) or the legal system, I doubt it would happen or go well. Not that I wouldn’t enlist every third party in the effort if it were my kid/situation.
I think at some point a kid / kid’s parent / neighbor gets threatened and (rightly) calls the police and then choices start going away. Short of that, I’m not sure what else there is.
Anonymous
I would suggest it to them, then. It’s too serious of a situation to be afraid of causing offense.
anon0321
Can you get him involved in some volunteering? I was not a huge line-backer bully– but I did go through depression and issues as a teen that I think were very much helped by getting out of my head, seeing others problems & having something w/ an awesome goal & immediate gratification.
I did mine with kids @ the ymca, but that is probably not a great option for this guy. How about sorting food at a food pantry? Did that at one where I live with my work team & it was very physical, required great team work, and felt really good.
Anonymous
How about some involvement in non-competitive sports – think like long distance running not football. I had two cousins who really benefitted from taking up cross country running in high school. I think the physical exertion helped work out some stresses but because it’s non-contact, there was no encouragement of aggression. Helps him get out of the house (he may not want to be around mom/dad) and time outdoors has been proven to reduce agression. If running isn’t interesting, what about swimming?biking?
XC Runner
Do you mean non-contact, or non-competitive? Because frankly some of the most competitive people I know were/are long-distance runners.
Anon at 3:13
I meant non-contact — I miss the edit function – can we get that back?
I think competitive is actually good because running would give it a non-contact focus vs. physical agression with siblings etc.
Anon
+1
There’s all kinds of research to support that kids involved in extra curriculars, and in particular sports, are more likely to stay out of trouble, less likely to use drugs, etc. Even contact sports may be good for him to work through aggression, so long as he has the right coach.
And yes, therapy
Relationship Q
I started dating someone very casually about six months ago – we were both newly single and it was more or less a hook up situation. Over the months, with a few tumults here and there, things have gotten much more serious and we’ve fallen in love. We’re both on the same page about taking things slowly and also both have a lot of baggage from past relationships. We are going to the Caribbean for a week next month and can’t wait.
Here’s the bomb. His dad is dying and they plan to take a cruise together this summer. Kind of a final hurrah. Last night, my boyfriend asked if I would like to come on the cruise. His father’s wife will also be there, so it’s not strictly a dad/son affair. He told me he thinks it would be really nice to have me there and for me to meet his dad.
A lot of alarm bells are going off in my (commitment-phobic, already-in-therapy) head. On the one hand, I am really happy that this guy is planning me in his future. On the other hand, I feel freaked out by the idea of committing to something (expensive) six months away. The whole dying dad part is also just really heavy.
I think this man might be someone I could marry – but it is still really early. If we do end up together, I think it would be wonderful to have met his father before he dies. His dad lives far away, so this would probably be the only chance. I’d also like to be there for him during what will be a hard time. We are open communicators and I’ve expressed my hesitations to him – he says to take my time thinking about it. Do I just dive in? I am leaning toward yes…
Anonymous
Yes, you dive in. If making plans six months in advance with someone you are in love with scares you, you really need a lot of help. I would be devastated if I were your BF and found out you were hesitant about going because of commitment-phobia.
Ellen
I agree. If the guy is not a complete schlub, you will be happy you did this. But you MUST remember that if you are NOT already engaged to him by the time of the trip, do NOT to share a bed with him in front of his old and ill parent’s. The last thing they want to see is that while they are sick, their own son is haveing sex with a woman outside of marrage or engagment. I made that mistake with Sheketovits, and the whole Sheketovits family all looks at me with a S***it eating grin, knowing that Sheketovits got everything from me sexuealy for the price of a few cheep boxes of chocolate from CVS. FOOEY!
Anonymous
Eh, I think that’s a little harsh. They’ve been dating 6 months, part of which was very casual/hooking-up. I understand having reservations about making plans for 6 months from now,.
Why not go on your trip next month and see how that goes? If y’all travel well together, have a great time while seeing each other 24/7 for a week, then I’d book the cruise. Maybe get trip insurance in case things don’t work out.
And I think that the ill father would be tough no matter where y’all were in your relationship. As heavy and difficult as it will be for you, it will be 1000 times harder for him. But it sounds like he’s thought about it and wants you there. I’d probably ask him if you can plan some one-on-one time with his dad’s wife (if she’s been a primary caretaker, she’d probably appreciate some time at the spa, and they’ll probably appreciate the father-son time).
ezt
It doesn’t sound like her bf is devastated, though. I think it’s great that you were able to express your concerns to him and that he didn’t react badly. Since he was understanding about your reservations, it seems unlikely that if you take this trip with him he’s going to interpret it as you binding yourself to him for life. I think you should go!
Bewitched
Not a cruise expert, but why do you have to commit so early? BF is going and is getting a cabin. You should be able to join him on very short notice, assuming you will be sharing the cabin. I don’t follow why a decision is needed now.
Anon for this
If you are uncomfortable with the idea of booking something out six months because you’re aren’t yet confident in the relationship, that’s one thing, but as someone who has lost a father-in-law I think that it’s really sweet that he wants to include you and wants to you to meet him. I also think that if his dad is truly dying, everyone might just be fooling themselves to think that he’ll make it to the summer. Obviously, I say this not knowing what the problem is, but six months can change so much about the health of a terminally ill person.
Meg Murry
This is harsh but true. I could be totally wrong depending on the diagnosis, but even if FIL is still alive in 6 months that doesn’t mean he will be able to make the trip.
Honestly, unless the Caribbean trip is for an event like a BFFs destination wedding and your boyfriend just saw his dad at Christmas, I say see if you can get a refund or airfare vouchers on the Caribbean trip and go visit his dad instead with the $/plane tickets.
A last hurrah for dad sounds great, but what if he is too sick to travel or dies before then? Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but that’s the truth for many terminal diagnoses.
Visit his father as often as he can. Don’t wait.
Care
I feel like it would be inappropriate to bring that up with the boyfriend at this point. If it is a concern of yours, get trip insurance (with really good terms even if pricey), but I wouldn’t tell the boyfriend that you don’t think his father will be able to go on the trip. He probably knows more details about the diagnosis than she does and the plans for the trip might be providing much needed hope and comfort for both him and his father. It is not her place to be the Debbie Downer.
Care
Go. I would give anything to have met DH’s father before he passed away. It is this giant hole in his life that I get shut out of because it’s so much harder for him (not that I don’t hear stories or have him tell me about his father, but it’s not the same). Yes, it’s heavy and it will be especially heavy for the next several years of his life. But you should be there for him because right now is when it will mean the most to him and that will impact your future together (especially if you think you’ll get married). If you love him, support him in this.
I don’t really see a downside here, except that you could get stuck paying if you break up, but it sounds like you don’t think that is likely.
Anonymous
This. I never got to meet my FIL – I really wish I could have.
Anonymous
Or my MIL. I was literally a week away from meeting her while hubs and I were dating.
kc esq
What’s the worst case scenario here? If you say yes to the cruise, and you are still happy and together in 6 months, no problem. If you say yes, and break up before then — you’re out some chunk of money, which is not good, but something you can bounce back from. If you say no, and are still together, you feel like a chump, and possibly regret not taking this opportunity. I think you should go for it and wager on your relationship.
S
+1
Anonymous
+10
anon0321
Yes & get insurance (but read the fine print)!
Senior Attorney
Yep.
anon
Yes. If you break up, don’t go on the trip, obviously. But, especially considering that it looks like your opportunities to meet his dad will be limited, go ahead and show that you’re invested in doing something that’s important to him. If the trip was in 1 month, would you say yes? I believe so, ’cause you’ve planned a vacation.
You lose nothing by committing now. If you break up, you just don’t go. If you don’t commit now, you risk missing out on the trip, looking like you don’t care (I’d be seriously hurt if I was in your BF’s shoes and you said no). Get trip insurance. Keep communicating, sleep on it for a little longer if you must, and say yes.
Anon
If you want a future with this guy, I think you dive in. If you are really concerned about it buy trip insurance with really liberal provisions.
lawsuited
I say do it. Even if you don’t end up marry this man, you won’t be worse off for getting to know his dad.
First Year Anon
I can see how this would be stressful for you- I would feel like I had to be the person to ‘make it all better’ (whether or not that’s a reasonable conclusion is a different story) and I would worry about intruding in such personal family time.
I would make sure the bf is confident he wants you there and it isn’t a ‘we just fell in love and everything seems perfect so OF COURSE I want you there”. If I was him, no matter how much I loved you at this juncture, I think I ultimately would want to spend that time with my family alone. I’m not sure how you would suss that out.
LAnon
I totally agree with everyone who is saying you should plan to go.
As it gets closer, you may want to have some conversations related to the above about just “how” he would like you there? Does he want to have lots of personal 1:1 time with his parents when you should go find something else to do? Is he anticipating that it will be emotionally difficult and wants you to stay close and be a rock for him?
You may want to calibrate your expectations ahead of time that this will be more of a week of providing moral support during a difficult time for your boyfriend than a fun vacation week. OR it may be the opposite – they truly want to forget about the upcoming realities and create some final fun memories. It will likely be a combination of both.
Anonymous
I’d say if you think you could marry him, and if you’d regret not having met his father after you’re married (with kids? Does he have siblings?), and if he is OK with the potential that he will regret sharing this time with his father if you break up, then you go.
Disappointed
I’ve read in Lean In and other places that men can sometimes be reluctant to mentor women for fear of appearances. Has anyone experienced this? I’ve run into a situation lately where a long term mentor (really my best mentor) has backed off from mentoring me without any explanation. We had a very professional working relationship, and he helped me a lot in the field I’m interested in. It may well be that he simply decided not to be my mentor anymore, or it could be something else entirely, but we had an odd incident that came shortly after a firm-wide harassment training session. The week after the training, we had a call to discuss a project I was working on, and after we hung up the phone, he called back a second later and said something to the effect of “I realized I said take care before I hung up. I just wanted you to know I didn’t mean anything by it.” I was confused and said “well, I didn’t even notice it, so no worries.” It was weird enough that I talked to another of my mentors, and he felt it was odd and didn’t think that “take care” was problematic. At any rate, that was several months ago, and our mentor-mentee relationship never reestablished. I may be reading too much into it, but I can’t help but be disappointed. I have other mentors, and I’m really happy and lucky about that, but losing my main mentor disappoints me. And I didn’t know if maybe it had something to do with what I’ve read about men being cautious of mentoring women. Just wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar. I have other male mentors, and so far haven’t had any issues with them.
Anonymous
It sounds to me like this guy may have feelings for you and is backing away to protect himself (and maybe you too). The extreme overreaction to “take care” is what makes me think that, because it would be so weird if that were really a reaction to an anti-harassment training. But you never know. Unfortunately, I think it’s just something you have to accept, it’s not something you can call him out on.
Anonymous
I have a close guy friend who is a partner at a big firm. He’s been practicing about 15 years. He is a great mentor to a number of more junior men and women. A few years ago, two junior female associates (friends) made reports to HR that his behavior was “inappropriate.” The inappropriate behavior was things like, calling one of them into his office privately to discuss a project (the project needed work; similar w/r/t a brief — conversation was private so as not to embarrass her), inviting each one to lunch on various occasions and offering to talk about work. Essentially, he was trying to be mentors to them. Since then, he has been a lot more careful about who he chooses to mentor, and for the most part, it is no longer females.
Anonymous
Women. It is no longer women who he mentors.
There’s really no upside as a junior woman at a firm for complaining about inappropriate behavior. So I wouldn’t be so sure that his conduct was innocuous.
Anonymous
Yeah. I have to agree with this. There are about a million downsides and no upsides to reporting harassment in a large law firm setting, so I would not assume the allegations were false. I only know of a couple of people who have reported harassment, and in each case the accusers were known harassers who were widely known to have done this kind of thing again and again, it was just that no one had been brave enough to come forward before. I understand you want to support your friend, but unless you have observed him in the workplace, you really have no personal knowledge about the situation, and this kind of victim-blaming is very damaging.
anon0321
Not at a firm- but I reported harassment once: I was literally told I would not be promoted because I was a woman… and will NEVER take that on again. It was not worth the suffering I went through after, the guy was not at all disciplined & is still in the position (& I wasn’t the only one to make the complaint). I ended up just changing positions- which is what I what I should have done in the first place. If I ever face something like this again- I’ll just quietly change positions and not make a fuss- not worth the professional damage.
Anonymous
the upside was that they each received a review that wasn’t great, and they thought this was a way of getting out of it. But I’m glad you, internet stranger, know the situation oh so well.
I have observed him in the workplace. Repeatedly. And I certainly have more knowledge about the situation than you do. This is not victim blaming at all. He was solely trying to help them. How about not blaming the man, which could also be very, very damaging. When he first found out about this, he was devastated, understandably, as it could have ruined is career. After a full investigation, he was totally cleared of any wrongdoing.
In any event, my point in sharing this story was to say that there are good reasons for men not to mentor women in some circumstances.
agreed
“In any event, my point in sharing this story was to say that there are good reasons for men not to mentor women in some circumstances.”
And our point is that the fact that some women apparently made false accusations against him before IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST WOMEN. The only circumstances would be if a) your friend is a creep who can’t mentor women properly or b) he shouldn’t mentor those specific women who apparently falsely accused him of whatever, something s3xist? after getting bad reviews.
I love it, some male partner who has access to the Old Boy’s Club has one or two bad experiences that do nothing to his career, so he decides an appropriate course of action is to DISCRIMINATE and you think that’s ok! And all other women should just accept that they should be ok with being discriminated against because some women somewhere else reported something to HR.
Anonymous
There is no good reason. Your close guy friend is sexist and for some reason you are ok with that.
Anonymous
Stop. THIS is why men don’t want to mentor women.
Anonymous
My BF will not mentor women for this exact reason. He won’t shut the door if there is a woman in his office unless someone else is present. He won’t go out to lunch or HH with a female coworker unless it is a group effort. He’s had women hard-core flirt with him and proposition him before and he is incredibly concerned about what could happen if he even entertained a mentor/mentee relationship despite the fact that there are plenty of women out there who would not flirt with him or make unfounded accusations. He is frustrated by these things and he would like to mentor women in his field, but he has decided the risks outweigh the benefits for him at this point.
It’s sad and it annoys me to no end, but I understand why he has made that choice.
Anonymous
And since I know someone will say it, no, he is not acting inappropriately when women flirt with him and proposition him. I’ve seen it happen when I have been standing nearby.
Cc
I think I’m in mod- but it’s completely unacceptable and s3xist not to mentor women and gross that you are defending your bf and the other poster the guy she knows. Are you telling me those two have never once seen or met a dishonest man? Cuz I gaurentee they have. But they don’t stop mentorig men because they see men as individuals. They are stopping mentoring women after seeing a dishonest women (or even a few) because they are s3xist and don’t see women as individuals but as one interchangeable group. My mind is reeling after reading you defend people like this. Or course there are shady dishonest women- just like there are men. It doesn’t mean you discount half of the world!
Anonymous
+1 million to CC. Horrified that so many women here are defending these guys who think it’s acceptable to ignore 50% of the population because one bad person might tell lies about them.
kc esq
Err… so don’t mentor women who flirt with you? There are plenty of women who absolutely do not play that card ever at work. Is it really that hard to figure out who they are, and shouldn’t that be part of the process of figuring out if *anyone* is worth your time to mentor — does that individual’s behavior reflect well on him/ her and you?
Cc
Nope. Because a shitty woman exists somewhere in the world does not make it ok not to mentor women. Your bf is sexist plain and simple- does he not mentor men because he has witnessed a man being dishonest or harrassing someone (because I gaurentee he has). It is completely sexist not to mentor women just because you’ve met a sneaky woman. I met sneaky shade guys daily, but I don’t get to say I won’t work with or for men. It’s crazy that your defending him and that the other poster is defending the other guy
agreed
Your boyfriend is pitiful. He should mentor women, like he says he wants to, and if and only if any particular woman behaves inappropriately should he cease mentoring her.
Unbelievable. Also, *risks* to him? LOL, what risks, he’s the manager?! Is he so socially inept/ such a poor manager that he can’t manage to deescalate/ defuse a “situation” before he winds up being “at risk?”
This just sounds like some dude who is sexist. The fact that he KNOWS there are women out there who deserve mentoring and who won’t flirt with him, and yet still discriminates against all women because of the supposed actions of a few, is deeply troubling and I can’t believe any self-respecting women would put up with a man who thought that.
Anonymous
I find it incredibly strange that this would repeatedly happen.. and also find it incredibly strange that someone else has a boyfriend who gets propositioned all day at work by his female coworkers. It’s really fishy, don’t believe everything they tell you. You don’t know everything that has happened behind closed doors and I really don’t know of any real life cases where complaining about harassment actually benefitted a woman, sadly.
Anonymous
See, your comment is EXACTLY why her boyfriend doesn’t mentor women.
agreed
Oh, I’m sorry, am I understanding you correctly when you sit here and tell us that women speaking up about problems they perceive is the reason men don’t want to mentor women? You appear to be saying that men don’t want to mentor women because women sometimes speak up about men who treat them poorly, and that’s an acceptable reason for men not to mentor women.
If that’s the case, then F*** that.
I don’t understand why you’re just accepting that it’s ok for men to decide they want to treat women employees differently than men. If you need any help figuring it out, that’s discrimination.
Here, why don’t you try this sentence on for size and see if it makes clear to you the position you’re supporting is discrimination:
“See, your comment is EXACTLY why white partners don’t want to mentor black associates.”
Does that sound ok? No. It doesn’t.
Open your eyes, girl- men OFTEN treat women badly in the work place. It’s not some conspiracy theory by mean nasty feminists to tarnish your sweet sweet boyfriend’s reputation.
Anonymous
Wait, what? This makes no sense. It is fishy that anyone – male or female, gay or straight – would be propositioned all day long in the workplace. Being skeptical of a guy saying he’s constantly hit on by women he’s trying to mentor is not a reason to not mentor women.
Anonymous
It is pretty weird, unless she is dating a celebrity. It sounds like an exaggeration or an excuse.
Anonymous
Your nasty comment, “agreed”, is why feminists are considered “nasty”.
Anonymous
Does he also not mentor gay men?
Anonymous
THISSSSSS
Disappointed
Well, the responses haven’t been encouraging. I hope in the long run that whatever happened (i.e. if he made some conscious decision not to mentor me anymore for one reason or another) that it doesn’t negatively impact my career. (Selfishly), having this person as a mentor was one of the best things that happened to my career. I haven’t felt any negative impact at this point, but I have felt my momentum slow, if that makes sense, and sometimes feel like I’m treading water. So I guess I just need to take stock of my current situation and find a way to move forward again.
Thanks for the replies. If men really are less willing to mentor women, for whatever reason, I hope one day that’s not the case. It certainly doesn’t help our careers to be passed over.
Dulcinea
test
Jelly
Hi ladies, I want to gauge responses here about petsitting a co-worker’s dog. Co-worker is going to Europe for two weeks and asked if my boyfriend and I would be interested in watching his dog at our place. I have only been at this job for about six months (I’m a first year lawyer, he’s a fourth year, if it matters), but co-worker and I have a great working relationship and get along well.
I’m interested to hear what you all think. Would it blur work boundaries too much? Or should I stop being so uptight and just do it? As background, BF are getting a dog soon and think (hope) our house is ready for one. If a friend asked us to do this we’d say yes in a heartbeat. The only hesitation I have comes from it being a co worker. Thanks!
Maddie Ross
I would have reservations about doing it only because I really wouldn’t want someone else’s dog in my house for 2 weeks, but the work thing isn’t a big deal to me. I think the relative age-range/experience-range is totally relevant here. This isn’t a partner dumping something non-work related on you. This is obviously someone only a bit more experienced than you who has become a friend.
Wildkitten
Sending a dog to a boarder for two weeks is really expensive and you’d be doing your colleague a great favor. Are you afraid of something going badly? Have you met this particular dog?
Anonymous
If your only hesitation is that it’s a coworker, I wouldn’t let that prevent you from doing it. It’s been common for friendly and dog-loving coworkers to watch each other’s dogs in the offices where I’ve worked.
Meg Murry
I wouldn’t if the dog has any history of eating things he isn’t supposed to (like loose socks, etc) – because the vet bill can be thousands of dollars for that, and if you aren’t 100% sure if your place is dog-proof I wouldn’t try it out on a coworker’s dog.
I’m also just paranoid because when my sister was dog sitting in high school the dog got sick and died (it was an older dog, the vet said she did everything right and dog would have died even if owners were home). I know this is a worst case scenario, but I’d hate to be “the person who killed my dog” with a coworker. It’s been 15 years and my sister still avoids those neighbors whenever she can.
Anonymous
If you do dogsit, get an authorization for them as to how much they want you to spend on emergency vet bills. I would spend anything for our dog (within reason, I wouldn’t spend $100K but I’ve never heard of a vet bill that high), but there are people for whom a $10K vet bill (which is very possible) would be too high, especially if it was semi-optional (e.g., the vet recommends this surgery but the dog might survive without it). The last thing you want is to end up in a dispute with your co-worker over a huge vet bill.
I don’t see anything wrong with it though, and I don’t really believe in “dog-proofing”…I mean, sure don’t leave a block of chocolate on the living room floor, but unless it’s a puppy or your house is absurdly messy, the amount of stuff you should have to do to your house in order to dog sit is really minimal.
rosie
+1 on the authorization for vet bills. When we go out of the country or will be difficult to get in touch with, I make sure our dogsitter has contact info for family members that will call the vet and give them cc info if needed. I don’t know what kind of balances/limits our dogsitter has on her cc and would never want her to worry about getting paid back promptly. I trust her judgment and wouldn’t want payment to be a factor in the decisionmaking moment.
A lawyer
One of out assistants dog-sat for young partner’s dog and she (the dog) got sick and almost died. Several thousand in vet bills. They thought dog had got into poison (lived out near a farm). That turned out not to be the case but it was really awkward for a long time. I would say it would be very nice of you to do but balance dangers and your ability to keep dog completely safe.
It's Me Again...
Hello, hive. Work-related question here…
I’m (desperately, urgently) looking to get out of my current company. For context, I am in PR and I am in-house at a large company. I’ve been at a director-level for 2+ years and was promised a promotion 6 months ago which never materialized. In these 6 months, my boss got a promotion and then told me mine was “on hold” due to financial reasons with the company. How convenient… I have been looking to leave since then.
Anyway, I just finished the first round interview with HR at another huge company in the fashion/beauty industry. The role is also director-level, but from speaking to the HR person and reading the job description, this role is slated for someone with 5-8 years of experience. That seems very junior for a director title. I mentioned this to the HR person and also pointed out that I have 14+ years of PR experience on very high-profile campaigns. We touched on salary and he admitted that my experience and current salary is a bit above what they pay for their directors.
The convo ended with him suggesting he would talk to the hiring manager and the head of the division to see about getting the role re-scaled to an AVP level which would put me in the salary range I desire and also matches my years and breadth of experience.
Question: given how urgently I want/need to leave my current company, did I just make a huge mistake by bringing this up? Would I have been better taking a cut on the salary and spending another X amount of years as a director at a new company? What is the likelihood that this role will get rescaled up a level? Has this ever happened to anyone else here?
Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
Stop this cray! You have a good job that pays you. I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt, but no. You should not take a pay cut and go from a position that values your 14 years experience tone designed for someone with less than half that.
Keep it together. Negotiate for what you are worth. If they can’t offer it look elsewhere.
Anonymous
No, of course you should bring it up. Don’t undersell yourself or be a fool. Companies make changes to positions all the time in order to attract the people they think are most qualified.
Anonymous
Chiming in to agree with the above. You certainly should have brought it up, and you certainly should not accept unless they can match your current salary and other expectations, unless you have neglected to mention something terribly toxic about your current job environment. I get it, I have felt betrayed by my boss in the past, it makes you hate the job and not want to have to deal with it, but you need to put aside your ego and make sure you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face – you will not show them their mistake (or benefit in any other way) by taking a worse job.
It's Me Again...
Thanks!
Important to note — since the pending non-promotion, it’s been pretty clear that my boss is trying to push me out. So, I’m in a rush to leave before I’m asked to go/fired.
Does that change anything in terms of the sense of urgency?
Anonymous
Don’t sell yourself short in the short-term for the long-term. Your experience deserves to be recognized by the new company. Let that HR guy talk with his people. At his company, you should be an AVP — do not settle for less or for less money — then you’re even worse off now!
Also, keep looking everywhere so that you don’t fixate on this one company. They may only be interested in a director-level person, which is NOT you, so keep your options open.
Anonymous
Yes. I still think you did the right thing in asking, but it certainly makes a big difference that your current position is unstable/ uncertain. I hope they come back with a great offer but I understand better now why you’d consider taking a step down (or sideways down). If it’s a company with great growth opportunities etc. that might be worth it. But I certainly wouldn’t beat yourself up for asking, you have to advocate for yourself, and I think the response you got seems positive. Fingers crossed!
It's Me Again...
Thanks, everyone.
Wondering if the “rescaling” of an open role is actually realistic and if that’s ever happened to anyone here? Also learned this is a newly created role in a newly created division – so there is no precedent here.
Ideal scenario would be: I get this job, AVP title with a 10 – 15% bump in base salary.
Anonymous
Girl how on earth would we know? Obvi some company somewhere has done this. You must chill.
Anonymous
Yes, I have done this as a hiring manager. I go back, re work my budget and/or beg/borrow/steal budget from other departments by explaining why this person, at a higher skill set (and price) is the right call and we will all win.
Where I work director to AVP isn’t a big difference; here a manager vs director would be a much bigger hill to climb.
anon0321
Have done this in the past- both as a hiring manager & as an interviewee. Got it both times. I have come to learn that whenever I ask for something- and I think it’s a big ask, it’s usually not a huge deal from the other side. And either way, if I don’t fight for it, I usually end up feeling extremely bitter about the situation later on… so now I always go for it and let the cards fall where they may.
shower
Help — I’m throwing a very small baby shower at my home for a coworker’s wife. We’re all new to the (very small) area, and I’m the only female who works in the office; none of us know very many people in the area, and we’re all far from family. I tried to organize an office celebration, but the guys I worked with declined. My coworker has given me the names of three people his wife knows (but I don’t) from their LDS congregation, and he insists that it should be a surprise for his wife.
Any ideas on what I can do for this five-person affair? I’m having a hard time thinking of games for a group this small, especially one that doesn’t know each other. Is dessert + small talk okay, or would games be better to prevent awkward lulls?
FWIW, this couple already has several kids, so they’re stocked up on baby supplies; I indicated on the evite that people might bring something that the mom-to-be can enjoy in the last few weeks of her pregnancy — e.g., pedicure. Not sure if that lends itself to anything in particular.
Thanks for any help!
Anonymous
In general I dislike party games – even when I don’t know anyone (maybe especially?) I’d rather chat than play a game. That said, at my baby shower, a craft-loving girlfriend of mine organized an activity involving cutting out fun patterns/pictures from iron-on fabrics, and ironing them onto plain onesies that everyone really seemed to enjoy (I’ve also been at a shower where people painted onesies). But if you’re not into stuff like that I think it can be a pain to organize. I also really liked a thing they did where everyone wrote down a piece of advice/ funny thought/ anecdote for me, with the idea that I would open and read them when I was up doing late-night feedings. That’s not really an activity to do during the shower, but I appreciated it a lot (and it’s something to give someone who already has all their baby stuff).
anagram
Decorating onesies with fabric paint might be a good option for your group. At least it will give you all something to discuss if small talk peters out.
Anonymous
We decorated diapers for the first few weeks to give Mom & Dad a laugh during late-night (or anytime, really) changes.
Anonymous
It seems really odd to me that you are expected to host a shower for a new co-worker’s wife and only invite her friends whom you’ve never met. Can you get the co-worker to nominate one of these women to “co-host” or help you out with the planning, especially since it sounds like you are not part of their LDS community? And what about expanding the guest list to include other co-workers’ wives? If your original intent was that it be an office shower, some office people should be there.
Cc
Why on earth are you throwing a shower for your coworkers wife. Please go read nice girls don’t get the corner office. Or lean in. Or literally any book about women and working. Take the hint when the guys said we don’t want to do a shower and DONT DO A SHOWER
Anonymous
This. Especially not a surprise one for someone you don’t even know who has lots of kids.
Scarlett
I’d just leave it at talking/chatting – I loathe games at baby showers & I think that’s not particularly uncommon. And without that awkwardness, being able to talk and hang out could lead to some great new friendships in a new area.
Anonymous
A shower is inappropriate after so many kids, unless there is a huge age gap. If you want to socialize, have a lovely brunch or something in her honor – do not call it a shower. I don’t know if it is a common Mormon thing, but in most circles it would be well meaning, but a gaffe.
anon0321
Why? Don’t all babies deserve to be celebrated? I would never think poorly of a friend that invited me to a second shower… I did think poorly of a friend who demanded about 10 different categories of gifts in their invitation. But general showers for each child– I’m happy to go to & probably will bring a giftcard to Target to boot.
Anonymous
the showers aren’t for the child they are for the mom. the child is not even born yet. this shower she is specifically asking for gifts for the mom
Anonymous
This is one of the craziest things I have seen on here. Why are you throwing this woman a shower? Why are you telling the guests what to bring her? Why is she having a shower after so many kids? Why when your coworkers declined to throw their coworkers a shower did you decide that meant to have it at your house? This is craziness. Keep it at brunch and short. Are you also mormon? The only way I can see this being slightly less weird is I guess if you are all part of the same faith/church community but this is truly weird.
Shopping challenged.
How kind of you to help out this family, and I see that you are trying to build community. As long as you consider this an “out of work” friendship, I don’t see a problem with it.
There is a reason for all the jokes about last children not having any baby pix. Maybe the theme could be something about memories and people get get picture frames, photog sessions, and other things to help document the little one’s early years. Or maybe one of the guests has been in the family’s home enough to be able to suggest baby-proofing needs. Each house is different, so if they recently moved, they may need different things from last time. Whatever the theme is (or even if you don’t have one), I think it’s great to celebrate each child’s arrival–not the babe’s fault not to be the first.
If it’s easy for you to do this in your home, do, but otherwise check with area restaurants about a small room or nook where you all could celebrate.
moss
You are not a “female” you are a woman.
Ems
Is anybody else just DONE with people who add nothing to your current life and only contact you to invite you to weddings and baby showers? I just got the second baby shower invite for someone who has not contacted me since I went to their wedding in 2012. No thank you note for their wedding gift, no thank you for coming to my wedding where you knew nobody other than me (the bride).
Last week I got a similar invite to a baby shower for someone who has not bothered to hang out socially since their wedding in 2014. UGH.
Not having gotten married or pregnant yet, I don’t think I’m someone who will invite someone to a wedding and not follow up for social activities like dinners or hanging out or even a gchat or text message before inviting them to a baby shower X years later, but seriously. UGH.
and I LIKE babies.
Anon
I got one from someone I haven’t talked to or seen in over 10 years. 10 years.
Weddings and such
For weddings, this is a thing in my hometown and I don’t totally get it. People have the wedding in the hometown and invite all the people they were BFFs with in high school even if they haven’t seen them in 10 years. If you are still FB friends and generally keep in touch it isn’t that weird but if you aren’t keeping in touch in some regarding email/text, what have you then it seems weird to me too.
That said, we had a 10 year anniversary party and people were invited we hadn’t seen or talked to in years but would like to reconnect with. We are not on social media. We were SHOCKED at how many people traveled to it and were really happy to be invited. Basically, the party was a surprise and everyone who had been invited to the wedding was invited to the party. My mind was blown by both the surprise party and who I saw there.
Anonymous
I hope you were shocked in a good way? That sounds really touching and awesome, actually.
Weddings and such
Yes, I was so happy.
Anonymous
Depending on how I’m feeling, I either (1) throw these in the trash or (2) text the sender to say “I got the invite to your baby shower! Made me realize it’s been too long since I’ve seen you! Let’s get together [sometime before the event] and catch up!” If the sender is receptive and we follow through on plans to meet up I chalk it up to people getting busy and life getting in the way. If they can’t be bothered, see #1.
agreed
A few weeks ago I got an invite for a baby shower for a couple located a 17 hour drive away from me. We were close in grad school, but haven’t spoken hardly at all since we all scattered, 5 years ago.
I went to their wedding 3 years ago, also in the same location, and I’ve seen the wife when she comes into town once a year on work. I appreciate that their invite included a “we totally understand if you can’t come, please don’t feel pressured, it’s our fault for moving so far away” line, but come ON this feels gift grabby you know I am not flying that far for your baby shower.
A few years ago I got an invite to a gender reveal party for the wife of a friend/acquaintance from grad school– she and I were barely acquaintances when we were in school– and I hadn’t spoken to either of them in 2 years. I did not go.
Anonymous
1) No thank you note for the wedding gift is definitely tacky.
2) I’ve always thought it’s a little weird to invite out of town guests to a baby shower – does anyone really fly to those? I wouldn’t, except for a BFF.
3) YMMV, but in my college circle a lot of us don’t really stay in touch beyond the wedding circuit and announcements of huge life milestones. I have some fairly good friends that I see only a couple of times a year (or now every other year as we get older and weddings get less frequent) and don’t talk to much in between, but I would absolutely love to hear from them with baby news. I’d be delighted if I got a shower invite for someone who came to my wedding a couple years ago, but I hadn’t talked to since, because I would welcome the opportunity to reconnect. If you’re reaching out to catch up and they’re not reciprocating, it’s a whole different story though.
Anonymous
I had an Aunt who was reasonably well off get invited to baby showers and weddings all the time by family, children of used to be friends, etc., all the time. None of those people ever made contact with her at any other time. They only sent her invitations when they thought they might get a gift from her, and many of them lived thousands of miles away and they knew she would never go to their shower or wedding.
My rule is if I haven’t heard from you in some capacity (even if it’s just a Xmas card) in the last 12 months then you can send me an invitation, but I’m not going and I’m sure as heck not buying you a gift. I have more than enough family and friends who actually make an effort to stay in contact to buy for.
anon0321
Ok I’ve been in the senders shoes:
1. The Aunt might be getting invited at the request of the parents.
2. It’s a way to announce to friends/family that live far away that something big is occurring.
I kind of see this as a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” kind of thing– for every person that feels an invite is gift grabby, there’s a person who will be offended that they didn’t have the option to reject the invitation themselves.
3. Maybe your in the friend circle & the inviter is inviting everyone else, and thinks it would be rude not to include you. There are a couple of people in this category for me that I wish we had invited to our wedding- we see them at everyone elses and it would have been easy for them to be added to ours.
4. How hard is it to send a well-wishing card? You don’t have to even send a gift- just say- congrats on the life event, excited to see life is going swimmingly for you. I send these (and gifts) all the time and always try to er on the side of being more generous.
However- no thank you for the gift is straight up rude. Whenever this happens, I wonder if the person even ever got the gift (and likewise makes me wonder if my thank yous always get to where they are going). There were a couple of people that came to our wedding that didn’t bring gifts that I was surprised about (which is fine- no gifts were necessary)- to the point that I almost feel like they probably sent something- it was lost, we never thanked them… and then what? There are also a couple of gifts we got that took a lot of digging to figure out who sent them– so whenever I send something, I try to send an email saying “hey congrats, sent you something in the mail, just a heads up.”
Seriously, why overthink things- if you like the people, continue on with the good thoughts & assume that something got lost in transition. If you don’t like them, ignore the requests, don’t grow the friendship & move on.
For the person above that thinks that seeing someone 1x a year when the person is in town makes them not friends… well, in their definition, I probably don’t have friends since I’m lucky if I get to see some of my fave people even that often. I always view these invites as a way to reconnect.
Shopping challenged.
This makes me sad, because I tend to think that real friendships are those I can pick back up again right where we left off. Not with gifts, but with sharing the joy of the big moments of someone’s life. I understand that you feel “used” for presents, but it sounds like you have a transactional view of relationships yourself, and people need to “add value” to your life to be worth your while. You could try taking a middle road, not knocking yourself out, but still connecting with your friend at such important moments by writing a short, heartfelt note saying how nice it is to hear from her again, it’s been so long, such exciting news she’s sharing, you’re sorry you can’t be in on this moment with her, but you wish her much happiness.
Shopping challenged
These Oxfords go to 9.5? What? When did that become a thing? If anyone can recomend comfy, nice looking Oxfords in a 10, please let me know!