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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 311 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Colorblock Work Dress: White House | Black Market Colorblock Sheath DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Wednesday! I like the asymmetrical colorblocking on this sheath dress from WHBM. The white, beige, and gold add a nice dose of neutral color, and I like the sleeves, the machine washable fabric, and the faux wrap effect. The dress is $160, available in petite and regular sizes 00-16. White House | Black Market Colorblock Sheath Dress Two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-4)

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Comments

  1. mouse finger

    has anyone dealt with pain in their mouse-hand index finger? I am thinking this is a repetitive strain issue from mousing too much. It hurts on my bottom and middle finger joint and in between. any tips for rehab? I am trying to use my mouse with my non-dominant hand, but darn that’s hard.

    • Anonymous

      IDK, but I had pain in my thumb that wouldn’t go away and it turned out to be osteoarthritis. Ask a real dr b/c I am not that old and didn’t have any risk factors and it was not what I or Dr. Google expected.

    • lawsuited

      My MIL had this – she had cortisone shots which helped for a limited amount of time and ultimately surgery, which resolved the problem. Definitely see your primary care doctor – they might recommend physio or have other options.

      • Meg Murry

        Not index finger, but I developed “trigger thumb” where my thumb would stay curled and I couldn’t uncurl it – mainly from trying to send lots of emails on a blackberry style keyboard where I typed with my thumbnails and scrolled on a touch screen.

        I saw an orthopedic doctor that specialized in hands. I had one appointment for a consultation, another for an XRay to make sure there wasn’t anything else terrible going on, and then I had a corizone shot and orders to stop typing with my thumbs for a while and it healed, although it’s occasionally still sore I don’t get the locking up anymore.

        For long term, you can look into a trackball or touchpad instead of a mouse – I know that is what a coworker with carpal tunnel switched to. I also found if I’m doing a ton of scrolling it helps to switch to the arrow keys or page down instead of turning the roller wheel with my middle finger a million times.

    • SA

      I had some repetitive motion strain from using my mouse that I thought about going to the dr until it hurt too much one day and I googled. I found some stretches on You Tube that have solved the problem for me.

    • anon a mouse

      Two things. First, make sure that your wrist is adequately supported while mousing. The wrong angle can put extra stress on your index finger. Second, look into a brace that will hold your fingers straight (or slightly curved) while you sleep so the muscles can recover. When I had a bad bout of carpal tunnel, I learned that so many hand/wrist injuries take forever to heal because we clench our fists in our sleep.

      • mouse finger

        two things – your name is hilarious, and I think you’re right about my wrist and the angle. thanks!

    • workingmomz

      I have an Evoulent vertical mouse from the Human Solution. It’s awesome and the company is great. You can generally find coupon codes online or email them and they will send you one.

      • Anonymous

        Plus one for the evoluent vertical mouse. I love it and it has completely fixed my computer-related wrist-and-arm-pain.

  2. Good Office Sweater for pears

    First, this dress looks lovely!

    Second, I am always cold. Very, very cold office (in a new “green” building). I would love to get a chunky (or not so lightweight) longer wrap or belted cardigan sweater to throw on over things (like this dress) and still look like it’s part of a deliberate outfit. I have some thin / cropped / fitted sweaters, which are delicate enough not to ruin the lines of sheath dresses (or to mix well with shift styles — things like a poor girl’s Tory Burch sweater that everyone seems to have). They are great for maybe 2/3 of the year where I live, but they’re not cutting it now. I’m a bit of a pear with a short torso (can wear petite jackets). Is this sort of bigger / denser / longer sweater likely to overwhelm me? No one seems to make these things in petites but I’m so cold that I may just stop caring. But if you have a lead on something that might work, please post or reply.

    • Anonymous

      No specific recommendations but I think the material you choose will make the biggest difference – definitely get boiled wool if you can. Lands End had a few work appropriate boiled wool sweaters a couple years ago, have not looked recently.

    • Diana Barry

      I have a few strategies for my cold office:

      – SPACE HEATER. Absolutely crucial. Bring one in even if it is ‘not allowed’ in the building. (My facilities guy gave me one.)
      – Layer under pants. Tights or Heattech leggings under pants.
      – Smartwool socks.
      – I always wear a shirt and blazer, but in the winter I add a sweater over my LS t-shirts (sometimes also heattech) and under the blazer.
      – Cashmere wrap as blanket over my lap if I am sitting.
      – Hot tea.

      • Sparrow

        If you can’t use a space heater, try sitting on a heating pad. I use mine year round since they crank the A/C in the summer.

        • Mpls

          I actually prefer the heating pad – less noise without the fan, doesn’t have to cycle on and off, no hot dry air blowing on me, I can shift it from on my lap to under my bum or to my back as preferred.

          Wool and cashmere sweaters, not cotton. Stay away from cotton for the winter.

          Scarf around your neck – it’s amazing how much something on the back of my neck (major blood flow to brain) or the tops of my shoulders will make me feel warmer. Again, consider wool here, though any fabric will help.

      • Anonymous

        I can’t add any more under-layers without looking like the michelin man (plus, things are a bit lumpy and less sleek). I think that a top layer might add warmth and visual sleekness / intentionality, but no one seems to have a sweater / swacket recommendation (and heaters are banned). I have a sad — maybe this means No Good Options

        • NYC tech

          A knit blazer might be your best bet (sweater material, not ponte). I have one that I love. The Alfani shawl collar knit blazer from Macys that was on here the other day might do the trick. The fact that it’s tailored makes it look much more sleek and less bulky/casual than normal cardigans.

        • Legally Brunette

          Have you tried a cashmere sweater/cardigan? I have a lightweight one from Lord and Taylor that is amazingly warm. It doesn’t add bulk but it certainly adds a lot of warmth.

        • Bette

          Have you tried a thin, tight fitting camisole? I have an assortment of ones from H&M, nordstrom and even some uniqlo heat tech line that all work well and keep me surprisingly warmer without adding bulk. I also live in a tundra climate and basically wear one almost every day from october to april.

          If you are extra worried and layers, you could even get a cami from spanx which would definitely slim out any possible lumps and not add bulk.

          • OP

            Yes – I’m there with the Heattech cami + another layer + cashmere sweater already. But I can’t wear sweaters every day for half the year. Sometimes I need to be more office-formal (or office not-sloppy).

          • Meg Murry

            If you can’t do sweaters every day, can you go to blazers for a more formal look, or long sleeved underlayer + dress + blazer?

            In my freezing office last year I would wear:
            -black long sleeved tissue tee or turtleneck
            -black thick cotton leggings
            -colored or patterned dress
            -black or gray ponte blazer
            -wool socks
            -knee high black boots

            basically I was wearing baselayers (like you would wear to ski) with a dress, blazer and boots. It looked dressier than my everyday look, but was actually warmer and more comfortable than my more casual clothes since it was pretty much pjs under a dress, and since you only saw a few inches of my knees it wasn’t obvious I was wearing leggings instead of tights.

            I’m not petite, so I can’t help with petite specific blazer or sweaters, but maybe there would be some suggestions on the Extra Petite blog?

      • lslsls

        I’d definitely check to make sure space heaters are allowed. In my old office they weren’t and a few people had them and they routinely caused half the floor to lose power.

        I second using a scarf, that will help with the chill. I had a friend once who would wear riding boots and put the boot and hand warmers from skiing in them on especially cold office days.

        This sweater has good reviews on LE, I’d wear long sleeved shirts under it http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-lofty-textured-open-cardigan-sweater/id_294515?sku_0=::SK4

      • Anon

        +1. Chart the temp in your office when you get in in the morning and mid day. Take a look at OSHA requirements for office temperature, too.

        • Anonymous

          There are no OSHA requirements for office temperatures, just recommendations.

    • Runner 5

      Wristers or mitts in the warmest fibres you can find – alpaca or cashmere especially. If my inner wrists and especially my knuckles are warm I’m so much warmer overall. (I get cold hands otherwise which make typing unbearable).
      If you can find some in a colour close to your skin or to most of your sweaters they should be fairly unnoticeable.

    • lsw

      I purchased a floor mat heater. Basically it’s a plastic rectangle that heats and you can put your feet on it. Usually I take my shoes off and rest my socks/stockings on it to get the max effect. It’s not enough to totally mitigate a cold office, but it’s great for someone with cold feet. I have Reynaud’s so my feet are cold allllll the time. I got it for like $30 on Amazon.

    • Me too

      I am a similar shaped pear with short torso, always cold. All sweaters that are thick and warm tend to be unstructured and very unflattering with professional wear, for me. I have been wondering if a high quality cashmere ? Sweater blazer exists that goes with everything exists that would work…..

      Meanwhile, tights, extra layer of socks in boots, carrying warm coffee, wraps at my desk (but I’m never there…), and sometimes I just add medium weight scarves. When my neck is warm, I’m warm. I use rich jewel tones, simple pashminas, double wrapped. It is not as polished as I’d like, but it can look surprisingly stylish when the colors compliment.

    • Jordan

      I don’t have anything to add except that it’s so frustrating to be cold all the time! I mean they CRANK the a/c in the summer too. Ever since I read that offices are based on men’s preference in temperature or whatever, it makes me more and more angry but that anger keeps me a little warm. So overall win at least up to the point of a heart attack I guess.

    • Msj

      Eileen Fisher makes petites in all sizes and definitely has all styles of sweaters, wraps and scarfs. If you are near NYC, the Westchester store carries samples and gently used at great prices.

    • Anonymous

      I have a wool open front cardigan from Pendleton for this function. It’s extremely warm, nice enough for the office, and a pattern of neutrals that work with many color schemes. I sized up to fit over my outfits.

    • Mignon Minion

      I got the Ann Taylor moto sweater for Christmas, and it is nice and thick.
      Almost too thick to wear indoors. It might be worth a look.

    • J

      I wear a lot of sheath dresses. I can do a fitted, narrow cardigan over sleeveless ones, but not over cap sleeve, short sleeve or elbow sleeves. The end of the sleeve forms a visible ridge and feels bulky. So I usually layer button-down shirts underneath, paired with fleece lined leggings, smartwool socks, tall boots. If I’m still chilly, I’ll add a scarf. For more formal, I’d go with a black ponte blazer on top. Ponte has more give to accommodate layers. And is thicker to hide sleeve ridges. I like the ones from express.

  3. Tory 2.0

    Does anyone have the MM LaFleur Tory? I want to order one but am located out of the country so I won’t be able to return. It looks kind of sloppy on the model but I am thinking that might be because she is not curvy/wearing it loose?

    • Anonymous

      In a similar vein, does anyone have the Morandi sweater? It looks so lovely (and warm).

      • Anonymous

        I tried this and it is lovely. Unfortunately, it did not work for my small/petite frame and the oatmeal color did not compliment my coloring. The quality was very nice and I would be willing to try other items from them.

      • anon prof

        I have it in gray and wish I had returned it when I could. I think it would look great if you’re tall and slim, but it just makes me look dumpy. The wool is fuzzy, with huge pills on it right out of the box, and it doesn’t keep the shape very well. But it is indeed warm.

        • RED

          I had a similar experience with the pilling of the wool. I wore it for a couple times and that was it. It pills and leaves big fuzz balls on my clothes.

    • Msj

      I tried it on in its first iteration a few years ago and it was awful on me. I have a long torso which I don’t think helped. I have two other dresses from there, one in a stretchy material that I like but is a bit too bod-con post partum and another that I got as sample but don’t love (silly impulse buying). I am tempted by their new collection however and will try to visit the showroom to try a few items. I’ve met the team and really like them, which makes me happy to support them with my purchases

    • Marshmallow

      I have tried both the Tory and Morandi and purchased neither. Tory: the idea is beautiful, but the fit was off. I’m a size 6/8, very hourglass, and the waist was too loose (almost sloppy) but the wrap top kept coming open and was pulling across the chest. The Morandi was lovely, thick and warm, but very casual looking. I couldn’t bring myself to spend that much on a chunky sweater I’d only wear on the weekends.

      I do have several MM dresses that I love on me, so if you’re hourglass, I’d recommend the Etsuko or Nisa. They are both generous in the bust and come with skinny belts, which help define a waist. I also like the Sarah 4.0, although an earlier iteration of the Sarah was terrible on me, so definitely try it on first or be prepared to return after some trial and error.

      One last tip is that I’ve found MM dresses to be quite tight in the arms on me. The Tory was tight, and I had to have the arms of another one let out. There was enough seam allowance to do it, but it was annoying. And I don’t think I have huge arms.

  4. In-House Europe

    The hive is always so good at travel tips, so I hope it’s OK that I post my question! As I mentioned on the weekend post, I’m hoping to have an extended weekend with girlfriends from around the globe to celebrate my 40th birthday. I’m in Europe (obvs) and have friends here, the LA area, a few on the east coast and a few in Asia. Yeah. That’s what happens when you live in a lot of different places! :)

    Anyway, I was thinking that the East Coast would be a good location – in the middle between the large groups of my West Coast and European friends. My birthday is in July, and what I am imagining is a 3 or 4 day weekend in a large house on a beach somewhere, easy to get to from a major airport and near enough to a town to go out for dinner and then drinks.

    So far this seems to suggest North Carolina (i.e. fly into Charlotte). Any other general location suggestions or any specific suggestions for N. Carolina?

    TIA!!!

    • Anonymous

      Depends on how you define easy to get to- Charlotte is a 3-4 hour drive from the Atlantic beaches. How about Florida?

    • anne-on

      Actually, Charlotte is quite far from the NC beaches (OBX) somewhere like a 6 hour drive depending on how much traffic you hit, easily 8 on a holiday weekend. My family has a house on the outer banks and we never arrive on a Saturday/Sunday as the traffic on the one (and yes, there is just one) main road onto/off of the island is insane.
      If you stay in and around the research triangle area there are some lovely places to go. If you’re looking for a true beach within driving distance of an airport in the south maybe Charleston and have a few days in the city and a few days on Kiawah Island?

      • Anonymous

        Kiawah is awesome and only about a 30 minute drive from Charleston airport. There is also Folly Beach, Sullivan’s Island and Isle of Palms, all close by.

        You could also do Sanibel Island, FL. I did a deposition there not long ago, flew into the local airport (direct from Charlotte, NC) and drover about 20 minutes to the island. Not much “night life” on the island, but beautiful.

    • CLT anon

      If you like to drink beer, then Asheville is your place and you may want to just stay there. Lake Lure is a 2-hour drive from Charlotte and you can get a lake / mountain house — most are on VBRO and there aren’t really big hotels there (watch Dirty Dancing before you go — it was shot there).

      • CLT anon

        Also, FWIW, July is too d*mn hot in the SE US. Mountains, mountains, mountains. Chicago would also be lovely if you want a city vacation. But you probably can’t beat Asheville (you can fly there or into CLT and it’s an easy and lovely drive).

        • Anonymous

          Except does anyone really want to fly to Asheville from Europe for 3 days?

          • Runner 5

            I would if it were to see a specific group of people I wanted to see. Sometimes it’s about the people, not the place.

    • Anonymous

      Fly into Charleston and hit the SC beaches. Much shorter drive.

      Are you sure people want to do this though? Are you paying? I just can’t imagine wanting to fly from Europe to the US just to go to a beach town.

      Villa in Tuscany, house on the Ile de Re, sure, but a US Atlantic coast beach is a) expensive and b) far and c) really not that awesome. This is a lot of money to be asking people to spend!

      • In-House Europe

        That is a good point. Maybe I should go for something in Europe? I was thinking that East Coast would be more convenient but with the driving times, it sounds like maybe not so much. Would the hive mind be more open to flying to Europe for a long weekend?

        • Anonymous

          Maybe? At least that’s a trip worth the cost. If I’m in NYC, and I haven’t flown to a wedding or bachelorette for you, I’d probably be up for 4 days in an easy to fly to European capital. If I’m in LA, nope. But if we’re planning a girls weekend, I want us to be planning it. To my mind this is something you only do with a small group of friends, and you suggest the idea first, then float a couple places and see what people think. I’d also expect that if your finances are good enough that you think this is a reasonable plan, you’d be hosting part of this.

          I just don’t really love the idea of getting an invite to spend a ton of money celebrating you at a far away location of your choosing. If your friends typically get together for a weekend now and then, plan this the way you would one of those.

          I’d also expect my husband to be invited, if any. We’re 40, I’m not jetting off for weekends without him if he exists because I don’t get a ton of time off.

          • Anonymous

            IDK — I’m up for one big solo travel sans husband. Not regularly, but a long weekend should be OK. I see girls weekends for the >40 crowd especially if they have children (I think the thinking is that if they are school-aged, the husband will probably be OK on his own for a weekend and mom can just be one of the girls again).

            IMO, couples defeat the girls weekend concept.

          • Anonymous

            I agree with this, except for the part about husbands being invited. I love a good girls trip (I’m 30, fwiw). But I agree 100% that the guests should be included in choosing a destination.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, no way I’d expect my husband to be invited to what is obviously a ladies’ trip. If you wouldn’t go see your friend without your husband then you’re probably not close of a friend to go in the first place.

            Agreed that I’d want to have some input in planning location though.

        • moss

          the thing about North Carolina is that the interstates aren’t really established there so it’s hard to get anywhere. What about Delaware or NJ?

          • Anonymous

            God no. The Jersey Shore is fine if it’s an hour and a half drive. It is not worth a flight from LA or Europe at all.

          • In-House Europe

            See – this is why I ask. I know next-to-nothing about beaches on the east coast. Thx!

          • Carolinian

            Really? As a North Carolinian, I’m wondering what you find lacking from the interstate system, beside the in-the-works route direct to Norfolk.

            On the topic of airpots, though, RDU is better than CLT for what you’re thinking. Two-three hours to the ocean via I40, then add time depending on which beach or island you want to be on.

          • Former Carolinian

            Yeah, as a former Carolinian, I’m really confused about the idea that our interstates aren’t “developed.” Yes, they aren’t all 8 lanes each side and super congested like Jersey, but mostly it’s because the state and the cities/towns within it are more spread out. It’s not going to take you longer to get places because our interstates are still unpaved – it’s going to take you longer because the state is larger. Odd comment. This just adds to the idea that the south is backwards and isn’t really necessary.

          • Carolina anon

            Ha! I mean, Highway 12, which runs down the outerbanks, gets washed out when we have hurricanes, and you can’t get to Corolla without an all wheel drive SUV, gotta take a ferry to get to Ocracoke (duh), but the interstates are just fine, I assure you. In fact, newer and in better shape than much of what I’ve seen in the north east.

            I mean, the state’s in the south (regrettably) … but it’s not a second world country.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t get this either. CLT to NC norther outer banks is a hike (but those are more for the DC / Richmond / RTP people anyway). Raleigh to Wilmington — YES! CLT to Charleston I could do in my sleep. Things work for the dominant travel patterns in an area (so random vacation travel flying into the wrong airport is always dicey).

            This is why people just meet up in Vegas, no? Easy to fly to and you don’t have to travel much further out of the airport.

        • anon

          I’m from NC and have spent my life going to East Coast beaches. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time in Asheville. While these are wonderful options for long weekends, I can’t imagine wanting to fly halfway around the globe to spend 3 days either at the beach or Asheville. Once all costs were added up it would be quite expensive, too. You may find that your friends want a little more bang for their buck in terms of location, because it seems like everyone is going to have to shell out time and $$$ as it is. If you’re going to fly across the country/world, you may as well do it right. You’d be better off picking a fun destination that everyone’s into, even if it’s more convenient for some people than others.

          • Anonymous

            I live in CA- I would totally fly to see friends in Europe, but not for a weekend. It would have to be at least a week.
            Also- the Carribean seems like an option….?

    • moss

      Check out Topsail Island in North Carolina. Not sure about the airport situation but we did a week there in a rented house and it was really great.

    • Anonymous

      What about Bermuda? I think Europeans should be able to fly direct from London? and lots of good connections through New York for Americans.

      • In-House Europe

        That might work too…I just don’t want people to have to shell out for hotel rooms as well as the flight – thus the house rental. But it looks like I could do it there too.

    • X

      How about the Cape or Newport? The more Southern locations will be too hot in July

      • Anonymous

        The Cape in summer is really far from Logan airport though.

        I’m loving the Bermuda idea!

        • Anonymous

          I wouldn’t mind a weekend in Newport (not sure re ease to get to) or Bermuda (can vouch for ease of travel from US east coast) or a villa in the south of France (or maybe Spain or Croatia or somewhere on the Adriatic)? I’m not sure re the Europe bits, but from movies they are fabulous and I would travel for that.

      • Also in Academia

        As a Southern resident I have to say that this is entirely subjective! Also, I find the beaches to be not as hot as, say, Atlanta, what with the ocean breezes. However, I wouldn’t fly from Europe for a weekend at any of them probably. If you were going to do this, though, I’d recommend St. Simons or Amelia Island. Both are lovely. OBX is generally too far from airports to be convenient for such a trip, although I can also attest that the interstates in NC are quite civilized :)

      • lucy stone

        Yes the Cape! You can take the P&B bus or fast ferry from Logan super easily if people don’t want to rent cars.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      RDU is actually closer to the outer banks and the beaches near Wilmington than Charlotte. Also, RDU has a direct flight from London (on American) and Delta is starting direct flights from Paris in April. But it’s still a good 2.5-3 hours to any of the beaches from RDU. The problem with the Southern east coast is none of our major airports with direct flights from the west coast or europe are really that close to a beach, except Jacksonville *may* have some (not sure). And if Jacksonville works as an option and you’re ok with heat/humidity (and I mean really hot and humid), the Golden Isles in Georgia are great and where my family spent pretty much every 4th of July growing up–it’s Jekyll, St. Simons, and Cumberland; they’re about an hour north of JAX. Or, depending on how many friends you have, rent out the Reynolds mansion on Sapelo.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Though I should add the water in the Golden Isles is not crystal clear like Florida–we’ve got rivers that run into the ocean near them, so there’s a decent amount of silt. Amelia Island, which is the northernmost island in Florida that Also in Academia mentioned above, has much clearer water. That would actually probably be a very good option for you if there are good flights to Jacksonville. Fernandina Beach, which is on Amelia Island, has a cute little old downtown.

    • Fellow European

      When chosing the location, you might want to take the total travel time into account, including trip to home country airport, wait at airport (for international flights to the US, most airlines request you to be at check-in 3 hours prior to flight), time in immigration and customs,connecting flight, and drive from airport to location. I´m frequently travelling from Europe to a destination on the SE coast, and overall door-to-door travel time has been up to 20 – 24 hours.
      So you might want to check which locations are direct flights for your friends. Washington D.C.? Las Vegas? SF? Madrid? Rome? And then rent something within a short drive from the airport.

      • anonymous

        +1 I think the OP and I are based in the same country, and I would suggest either Croatia or Spain

      • CDA

        I could not agree more with the suggestion that you need to consider where direct flights will get you and all of your friends. I’m overseas, and I’ve (happily) traveled for long weekends like this… but only to places I could get by direct flight. There is NO way anyway wants to deal with the connections and hassles necessary to get to any regional airport.

    • Anonymous

      I like your original idea of Iceland, although Bermuda (or elsewhere in the Caribbean) is a good idea that might be cheaper. Frankly, I would not fly halfway around the world to see the Outer Banks or Cape Cod – those are nice places for a road trip or a short flight but I am not going to fly from Europe or Asia to see them. They’re just not that exciting. I think you should involve the guests in choosing a destination. Every girls trip I’ve taken (including ones for people’s birthdays) someone has floated the idea of a trip with a circle of 2-5 girlfriends and together the group has chosen a destination. I don’t realistically think you’re going to have a group of 20+ flying in for this, unless you’re incredibly popular or your friends are super wealthy and also have plentiful vacation time.

    • Anonymous

      Puerto Rico might be a more affordable alternative to Bermuda. It’s easy (and cheap- particularly in July) to get there direct from anywhere on the East Coast, and not too bad from the West Coast/Europe. I know people frequently recommend Vieques, but I wouldn’t want to tack on the extra travel for 3 days.

    • CHS

      Depending on your budget – the Hamptons would be fun for a 40th. Lots of direct flights to NYC, 90 min/2 hours out from the airport (obviously more if you’re traveling on a Friday or Sunday, but easy enough to avoid if you can), gorgeous beaches and fun nightlife. Montauk in particular might be fun. Just throwing it out there.

    • need a new moniker

      Europe resident, American citizen chiming in here. Go somewhere in Europe. For your America- and Asia- based friends, it will be roughly in the middle. For everyone, it will be more exciting. Otherwise just call it a day and go to NYC.

      • need a new moniker

        Adding that I’ve been everywhere suggested except Amelia Island and Bermuda and still suggest the same. Croatia? Greek Isle?

        • Anonymous

          Croatia is impossible to get to from the US (especially the touristy parts like Dubrovnik). My husband went there for work and had to take 3 plane flights (and he flew out of Chicago ORD, which is a major international airport). It took him 30+ hours. If you’re doing Europe, I would strongly recommend someplace like London or Paris where almost everyone can get a non-stop flight to.

  5. TT

    I’m about to start my first firm job, mid-size firm in the Midwest, mix of public and private clients. I need a work bag and love the Lo and Sons TT for the versatility but I am worried it is too casual. I’ll be car commuting, carrying a laptop only sometimes, and not frequently flying for work. Is leather the way to go or are nylon bags considered acceptable? I just want to have one bag for back and forth everyday, taking to off-site client meetings, depositions, court, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly I’d just get 2, one nice leather tote and one nylon or canvas, and not Lo and Sons. Those are great for intense commutes and travel but you just don’t need that bag to drive in your car. I’d start with any reasonable looking black tote from Macys, not name brand, and save up for a nice leather bag that you only use for “best” so that you can keep it for years.

    • lawsuited

      As you’re car commuting, I think a large leather tote like the MK Jet Set will be the best option for you. Nylon bags are not the most polished looking option for taking to client meetings, and my experience is that if you’re going to court/depositions, you’re probably taking a litigator’s briefcase anyway so having the most enormous handbag is not as important. If you need to bring gym clothes to work, you can always leave your gym bag in the car. I will say that if you are flying frequently, a leather tote does not make the greatest carry on, so you may need another bag for travel, but for everyday to-and-from work, a leather tote should work well.

    • STL

      I’m at a Midwestern firm and carry a Lo & Sons nylon bag to work. I have taken it to court and on business trips – either people ask about it or don’t notice.

      Lo & Sons has a new tote bag that has an external shell you can change. Maybe that can be a good choice if you are self conscious.

    • the gold digger

      I love my LibbyLane dot com leather bag. It’s great for bringing my lunch and gym clothes to work and it can hold my computer when I have to travel.

      Plus, it is handmade in the US. What’s not to like about that?

  6. moss

    My husband’s boss/mentor’s mom just died. What do we do? For reference, he came to visit me in the hospital while I in labor (which was a little weird but that’s the custom around here I guess?)

    Do we send flowers to him? Wait for the obituary and send $ to any charity they mention?

    • Anonymous

      Send a condolence card, attend the wake or funeral if it is public, and send flowers or a donation. I think it’s fine to wait until the obituary is published to decide which one.

      Also, it was not a little weird to visit you on labor, and no where is it customary to visit your employees wife in labor. That is insanely inappropriate, incredibly weird, and y’all need better boundaries.

        • Anonymous

          WHAT?!?!? How was that mean? A man who employs your husband came to visit you in labor!! That is so so inappropriate. As is cursing at me.

          • moss

            It’s mean because I didn’t ask your opinion on whether him visiting me in the hospital almost a decade ago was appropriate. I asked about an appropriate response to the death of my husband’s boss/mentor. You got all judgemental about an event I did not ask about. You are inappropriate and unhelpful, which is common for anon commenters on this here site.

          • Anonymous

            Oh sigh. I gave you good advice about what to do in this situation. You included extraneous info. I commented on it. If you can’t handle that internet less.

      • Anonymous

        Eh without knowing more about their relationship there’s absolutely no way to know that they need better boundaries. She thinks it’s a “little weird” not “insanely inappropriate” and her feelings about it are the only ones that matter.

        Especially with family run businesses, apprentice relationships, small towns, etc. it’s not at all uncommon for coworkers to treat each other like family. I just cringe at the idea that people showing care for one another is something we should condemn or avoid.

    • mascot

      Donation to charity if mentioned. Send a handwritten note. Go to visitation/funeral (unless the funeral is private).

      • Carrie....

        This is perfect. Please…. No flowers…. Never flowers.

        And in a couple months, ask how he is doing.

        • Anonattorney

          Why no flowers? I’m new to the flower bandwagon – I never liked them until a few years ago, and now I LOVE getting flowers. And I get them for others all the time. Coworker tells me she’s having a really rough week? Boom. Flower delivery to her office. Friend makes partner at another firm? Boom. Flowers. What am I missing? I feel like there are a lot of people on here that are anti-flowers, and I’m not sure what etiquette rules I’m missing.

          • ace

            Flowers die and can be a reminder of the death — versus inspiring feelings in your examples. YMMV but I have seen the advice not to send flowers on several occasions.

          • Anonymous

            Spend $50 on flowers — they last a week. Donate $50 to a cause close to a charity liked by the deceased and family — more long-term impact and a show of support for the family/deceased.

          • Moonstone

            I think flowers for a funeral elicit a different feeling than flowers on your desk at work. I love to get flowers at home or work, but some people feel it’s wasteful to do for show at a funeral.

          • Anonymous

            I love flowers and have NEVER (except here) heard the advice to not send flowers to someone who has suffered a loss. I have heard people say don’t send flowers to someone who is sick or dying, because flowers are typically sent at funerals (and also die themselves) and so it is morbid to send to someone who is ill. Or something like that.

      • Wildkitten

        Depending on your relationship you might make a note of the date and send her flowers or a card in a year as well.

        • OfCounsel

          I would defer to what the family prefers. If they ask for “donations in lieu of flowers”, then make a donation. If they do not, then send flowers. For some people in some places, the volume of flowers at a funeral is very important. I grew up in a small Southern town where flowers were the norm and having a lot was a comfort to the family.

    • Anonymous

      I tend to go with food, personally. Make something to bring to the house if you’re going to visit them at home or have a local deli deliver sandwiches and salads.

      • anon0321

        My boss sent a case of wine to a co-worker whose mother died- I thought that was a nice gesture.

        Joanna Goddard has some good posts on what to do for people in grief on her blog– her sister’s husband passed away and she has guest blogged about it on Joanna’s blog & in the NYT.

        I think just doing SOMETHING, to show you care, is important- don’t overthink it (especially since the receiver is male- am I weird in thinking that women tend to overthink both giving and receiving gifts?) and I like the idea of following up that someone wrote about above.

  7. Diana Barry

    Best sources for CURTAINS that are cheap but not terrible looking? Go! (I am aware of Ikea, but looking for similar low-cost sources.)

    • Anonymous

      Try Etsy. My friend got really gorgeous blackout curtains for her nursery and had a great buyer experience.

    • Veronica Mars

      Your best best is likely the Target Threshold line. I think they make really stylish curtains that frequently go on sale. If you want cheaper than that, try Walmart.com, which has a better selection than the store and really nice faux silk curtains in a limited range of colors.

        • anon0321

          Actually just saw some in Target the other day & wished that I needed curtains, they were that pretty!
          Cost plus also has very pretty ones.
          Also, tj max sometimes has great options too.

    • Cb

      I’ve had great luck with Cost Plus World Market as well as TJ Maxx. IKEA also sells great fabrics if you know someone who could sew them up for you.

    • Anonymous

      I was surprised to find my curtains at Cost Plus Warehouse online. They are not by any means something that looks like I picked it up on vacation to a developing country. The selection may have changed though.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, seeing Cb’s comment, I mean Cost Plus World Market, not Warehouse.

    • Anonymous

      Is there a Home Goods/TJ Maxx with decent home section near you? I got a bunch of designer curtains (Tory Burch, Tahari, etc.) for super cheap.

    • Miz Swizz

      I got some great curtains at Burlington Coat Factory. If you’re willing to spend some time digging, it’s worth it! I think I spent about $40 for 4 panels?

    • Aurora

      We got all of ours from Country Curtains and are very happy with them. When I priced them out (especially for blackout curtains) they were cheaper than most of the department store/box store options.

    • Anonymous

      JC penny has big home sales and the curtains can beat Ikea prices.

      My favorite curtains came from Urban Outfitters clearance.

    • Scarlett

      I’ve actually had great luck with Anthropologie on sale – not sure how cheap you’re talking, but they tend to discount pretty deeply & quality is lovely.

  8. Anonymous

    So I lost my job a few weeks ago. However, I have a pretty cushy severance package that will leave me more or less unaffected financially for the next 12-14 months.

    I have a lot of really kind friends and family who are trying to walk on eggshells around anything related to finance because of my job situation, and I also get the odd look when I start talking about doing things like planning vacation or being cautious/picky during my job search. What is the/ is there a tactful way to let them know that I got a package and I’m really fine? I don’t want to talk finances or money or salary, but I do want them to know that I really am OK and they don’t have to jump on my bar tab or feel like they can’t invite me to various things because of their cost.

    Ideas? I’ve tried “I got a really good package and don’t expect a financial hit” but that doesn’t seem to be working.

    • JJ

      Did your severance come with signing an agreement? If so, it might contain a confidentiality provision…

      If not, then I think you can just reiterate that you were let go, but the company was equitable and you received some severance. Any more information than that is not anyone’s business.

    • Anonymous

      When they offer to pay your bar tab or dinner: “Oh, thank you so much for your concern. Right now, I’m okay. I’ll speak up if/when I can no longer afford [XYZ fun thing we are doing].” You have very nice friends who are trying to help you. You might not be in such a lovely financial position forever, and who knows what the job market may do between now and when your money runs out. Be gracious, grateful, and maaaybe spend more time discussing your job search than your vacation plans.

      • Yeah for severence

        +1

        Your kind and concerned friends are going to raise an eyebrow if they just bought you a beer/dinner and you start talking about vacation plans.

        I’m also wondering if they are worried you are not planning that carefully. You don’t have that much severance (although it is fabulous), and I know a few struggling with a job search currently and it could take more time than you think. I wouldn’t be talking about vacation plans at all.

        • Anon

          Depends on the industry. If she’s in tech or healthcare and willing to be even a little flexible, 12-14 months is fantastic. If in something like law or finance AND being choosy — then yeah, 12-14 months will go by fast as both those markets are pretty crowded and then the whole better to be “looking for a job while you have a job” thing comes into play even as a perfect candidate.

          • Anonymous

            OP here. It’s one of those industries. Actually it’s healthcare tech, so it is both. I am also married and we do not really need my income; this is a blow to the ego, a gross culture, and a shady deal. That’s part of why my package is so good… But from a strictly financial perspective it isn’t an issue.

            I seriously cannot deal with my mother coming over to ask why we haven’t cancelled our (modest) vacation plans, yanked our daughters from daycare, put our house on the market and switched to beans & rice for dinner. And why am I painting a door

          • Yeah for severence

            I thought it was 12-14 WEEKS severence. Whoops! That’s incredible… incredible…

            Then actually I would even more so recommend not bragging about your paid year of freedom. It might actually run some people the wrong way for the opposite reasons.

            And…. because you never know.

          • Anonymous

            Oh hey so you’re actually asking about how to deal with your overbearing mother? VERY DIFFERENT than dealing with caring, concerned friends. Tell mother dearest that you are a capable adult and you have made your own decisions, now please stop asking you about it.

          • Anonymous

            It’s really both. Friends that are caring/concerned but ALSO family. None of which need to know the details of my financial picture, current or former income, etc.

            The friend thing is more like “Oh, so you are still taking the girls to Disney? (sideeye)” or “well we ruled out [place] because if your job situation but what about Y and Z” when original place is just fine.

            You are probably right to walk more delicately around friends than mother. In all cases, i have a nondisclosure on my agreement,nor is it anyones business, but still…

            And frankly I’m probably just still bitter about the whole situation, so taking it out on them is not fair. Thanks for all the thoughts!

          • anon0321

            My husband just got laid off & got about 6 months, in addition to which we have about 1.5 yrs worth of expenses saved up and no debt (& that is with BOTH us us not working at all- my job also covers our expenses).
            We just had a baby, so everyone is super concerned about us- I just say “we were lucky we had that great income for so long and because of it we have a very nice savings to rely on for a couple of years. so we are doing great and this came at a great time- we get to spend a lot of time with the baby!”
            But I’m of the “open about finances camp.”

    • Ellen

      YAY! I love color-bloc dresses, and I never knew what they were called until I read this websight! YAY for Kat and Corporete!

      As for the OP, do not give any detail’s to the public, irregardless of whether you signed a non-disclosure agrement. It is BAD form, dad say’s, to give out information on why, when, or how much you got in severence from your job. That is b/c you may not have gotten the same as other’s who got less. Use that money to save for retirement, NOT for clotheing, dad say’s.

      Dad is happy I am the best biller, and he want’s to write in an ADDENDUM to my partnership agreement to give me a special bonus each year I bill over 7000 hours. I am so tired JUST thinkeing about doeing this again over and over every year. I just want to be HOME watcheing TV and relaxing with a baby, NOT billeing all the time. FOOEY! I do NOT get to bill anyone when I write on the INTERNET, so I am goeing to have to try and be more TERSE. DOUBEL FOOEY! But I know that the HIVE appreciate’s me so I do CONTRIBUTE my two cents where I can.

      I hope all the HIVE has recovered from MLK weekend sale’s so it is all BACK to work an billeing, billeing and more billeing! YAY!!!

    • bridget

      I think what a lot of people are responding to is that your job search can take longer than you think.

    • Jordan

      “It’s unfortunate but, I am in good shape to be able to take some time to find something I really want. Thanks for your concern though!”

    • Tigermom

      It sounds like you have wonderful, thoughtful friends. And they will respond accordingly when you tell them you are happy with the severance package without going into details. Perhaps tell them the best way to help you is to think of you when you are ready to start searching for a job again.

      Similar thing happened to me a few years back, I was happy to be a SAHM for a while. I was really frank about my package and told people that I didn’t want them picking up the bill too much, as I felt it would change the friendship dynamics too much.

  10. Paging Cleveland visitor from yesterday

    I tried to reply but something with C’rette kept crashing and I got sick of trying. It’s not healthy, but we never miss Melt when we go to Cleveland. Fancy pants grilled cheese and good beer = the best. Wait can be long but worth it IMO. Also, I love the West Side Market – especially the apple fritters that are sold out of a stand near one of the doors. And finally, the art museum is free and great.

    One more thing – it’s obscure and weird (but that’s what we like, so we loved it) but there is an International Women Air & Space Museum in the Burke Lakefront Airport that we really enjoyed. It’s tiny so doesn’t take a lot of time, but was a unique destination.

    • Anonymous

      Ha, I just visited Columbus with my H’s family and my SIL was dying to go to Melt (it’s a local chain, right?) She wouldn’t shut up about it the entire weekend. After seeing this comment, I’m disappointed we didn’t give in to her demands.

      • lsw

        Yes, it’s local! (That was me above.) We are getting one in/near my city, Pittsburgh, soon and I’m pretty psyched. Also next time you’re in Columbus, if you like ice cream you should try Jeni’s. Delicious.

      • lsw

        Let us know what you end up doing! Cleveland is an easy weekend trip for us, so I’m always looking for new things to try. I noted a few of the restaurants that were mentioned yesterday that we haven’t tried.

      • Doodles

        If you’re going to be in the art museum/Severance Hall/Case Western area, you must try L’Albatros. It’s my absolute favorite restaurant in the city. Amazing food and ambiance (of course the patio is great in the summer but not any time soon!) It’s a fancy french place smack in the middle of the Case campus. Also, if you’re into sea food, Blue Point Grill downtown is great.

        • Doodles

          Also, if going to the Shaker Square area (more of a summer/nice weather area but still could be fun in the winter), then try Edwin’s Leadership and Restaurant Institute. I haven’t been but friends have raved about the food (French style, on the pricy side). The mission of the place is to teach culinary skills to formerly incarcerated men and women. I believe that all of the employees are formerly incarcerated individuals and that the place serves as a “fresh start” for them.

  11. Tetra

    For those of you who had weddings in HCOL cities, about how much did you pay for your photographer? I’ve gotten quotes ranging from $2500 to $8000, so I’m wondering what’s reasonable. How did you choose? Thanks!

    • anne-on

      It largely depends on what you want and how experienced your photographer is. Having a long lead time helped – my photographer in NYC in 2010 was about $5k for a very generous package, and we booked her in 2009. I think it included 10 hours of shooting, engagement photos, cds with photos, our album, 2 parent albums, photo booth, short video, and about 100 bound photos with a second shooter. We adored her and booked her right before she got super popular. When my family tried to book her in 2012 her prices were up to $8.5k for the same package. But if you just want them to take pictures and are fine just getting the cds, you’ll pay a lot less.
      I think anywhere from $4-$8k should get you a pretty decent package in a major city though.

      • Anon in NYC

        This sounds about what I paid in 2011 for approximately the same stuff (booked in 2010).

    • Anonymous

      It was almost 7 years ago, but I’m pretty sure we paid right around $2500.

      Look carefully at what is included in the quote, because you may be comparing apples and oranges. We had a very small affair, and the photographer only photographed the portraits, ceremony and cocktails – we had a sit-down dinner, no real reception with dancing/band/whatnot afterward, so we pretended to cut the cake before dinner and then she left. She also did not photograph any prep. We only had one photographer, no assistants, and she was only on site for maybe 2-3 hours. We had a pre-event consult and she did a site visit on her own. That price also included the digital files for the images; we did not purchase any prints or photo books directly from the photographer. We hired her “last minute” about 5 weeks out, so she gave us a little break on the price, since it was unlikely she’d get another event in that timeframe and something is better than nothing. FWIW, she was fantastic, and if you’re in the DC-Baltimore area I’m happy to give a specific recommendation.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds reasonable, although $8K is certainly on the high end. Agree with comments to look at the details of the package. Specifically
      -Is it all day coverage or a set number of hours?
      -Does it include an assistant or second shooter?
      -Do you get an engagement photo shoot?
      -Do you get high resolution digital files with a copyright release (so you can make your prints and share them with family)?
      -How many photos does she expect to provide you from the event?

      We paid around $3K (four years ago) in a mid-size city in New England for a full day of coverage from one photographer and all digital high res files. Her package also included an engagement shoot.

    • Anonymous

      I’m paying $7500 for 8 hours of coverage, photographer plus assistant, engagement shoot, 1 album (plus discount on subsequent albums), several prints, printing release so I can print my own photos, edited digital copies of all pics available through a secure website and in a USB (estimated 300 pics/hour), and the photographer agreed to not sell our images or post them anywhere without our express written permission.

      I definitely got sticker shock at first, but when I compared my photographer to other, seemingly cheaper packages, the difference wasn’t that much. I remember another photographer advertised at $2500. But that was for only 1 photographer and 5 hours of coverage. Once you added the second photographer, additional hours, albums, etc., the price was pretty close to my $7500 guy.

    • Anonattorney

      I paid $2800 for 8 hours of two photographers, and a “party shots” photo booth for 2 hours at the wedding itself. But I only purchased the digital pics; I didn’t buy any prints or albums, and we didn’t do an engagement shoot. Mid-size city.

    • click

      Paid $3500 in Chicago about a year ago. In the end, we got a discount because we had a small wedding and the photographer left before the 6 hours (I think) specified in her contract. A photographer friend said it should be between $2500 and $6000, but if we went too budget he’d be worried about quality.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Married in 2012 in a HCOL area – the least expensive package we encountered (with a semi-pro solo photographer who practiced out of his home office) was around $2500, most expensive was around $6000ish, depending on extras offered. We ended up spending $5000 b/c H fell in love with one of the more expensive places, but friends who used studios in the $3000-$4000 range all seem to have gotten good results. I’d say the range you’re encountering is reasonable.

    • Anonymous

      Got married in NYC 3 months ago. Spent about $6K for 10 hours, one photographer + one assistant. We got digital copies of everything and a huge selection of prints (and we can print our own of anything else we want since we had the digital copies). This was about standard for the photographers I was looking at. I was willing to pay for quality but not go crazy.

    • LA

      Got married in LA- got quotes from 2.5-8k. Went with the 2.5k option. He was much more of a traditional photographer– did I love ALL of my shots- no, but I doubt I would have with any photographer.
      The way I see it is- all I need is a couple of shots that are great to frame. All the extra is icing.
      I also wanted to keep to a strict budget of 25k, so it just wasn’t in the cards for us to pay that much.
      I also used wedpics for our guests to share pics- which I highly recommend. We had about 1000 amazing pics the next day, some of which are my favorites of all.
      Also for printing photos, I just asked for digital copies & then went through snapfish to get 5 beautiful books for our fam printed for something like $200 total.

    • Bigmac

      I’m in DC, getting married this year and paying $2400 for 9 hours of coverage, photographer plus assistant, engagement shoot, printing release, edited digital copies of all pics on website and a USB. She’s quite popular but also relatively new–I think this her 4th year, she’s done 10-15 weddings a year since she started. I would say that my price is definitely on the cheaper end of the spectrum, based on my research. I adored my engagement photos and she has been my best vendor to work with so far!

    • KinCA

      We got married in a HCOL area last year and paid about $6,500 for our photographer. We got 10 hours of coverage, 2 photographers, a professional album, and an engagement shoot in that fee, plus edited digital copies of all of our photos. It seemed a like A LOT to pay for photography at the time, but pretty much every photog I liked was in that range. Also, our photographer was amazing and I love our wedding photos, so it seems fair now.

  12. Bonnie

    I wanted to thank whoever suggested buying a quiche and splitting it up for breakfast. Genius. I brought an egg white quiche into the office yesterday and now have an easy and healthy breakfast every morning.

    • Runner 5

      I think that was me (though I do it for lunch).
      I’m glad the suggestion helped! It’s one stolen from my mum who used to bake mini quiches for our school lunches.

  13. Global Entry at PHL

    Crowdsourcing this one because everyone I know has driven/cabbed to the airport for this:

    Has anyone done the Global Entry interviews at PHL, arriving from the airport train? I can’t find directions to the little interview suite that don’t start from “take the elevator in the parking garage” and don’t want to miss my appointment out of confusion. Help?

    • Anonymous

      I just looked at the PHL site, and it says the suite is on the 3rd floor of Terminal A West. I’d suggest you take the train to terminal A and follow signs for departures. Once you’re there, you’re in the same position as someone who took a cab. You also could ask someone once you’re there.

  14. NH Reader

    Paging Boston readers.

    I need to be in Suffolk County Superior Court tomorrow at 9 am but would like to be there by 8:40 the latest. I’m coming from NH down 93. How hard is it to find parking around the courthouse? Without traffic it is a 1 1/2 hour ride. With traffic I’m looking at up to 2 1/2 – 3 hours I think.

    I could take a bus from 93 to South Station and then T/walk as well though the options are a bit limited. The 6:30 bus (30 mins from my house) predicts it will get to S. Station at 8:10, the 7:00 bus at 8:30. I’m leaning towards the bus (bathroom and wifi FTW). Would you walk or take the T from South Station? Would anyone suggest driving and parking instead? Thanks!

    • Diana Barry

      TAKE THE BUS. :) You would have to park in Govt Ctr garage and it is expensive and can fill up.

      I would take the earlier bus since I am paranoid about traffic. It takes about 20 minutes to walk (I am just guessing and I walk fast, FWIW) from S Station to the court – alternatively you could uber up the street. Plenty of DD and Starbucks along the way if you have time to kill.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      BUS. BUS FOR ALWAYS.

      Seriously, don’t drive. 93 going into Boston during morning rush is a nightmare, and parking is both expensive and likely to fill up fast. In particular, I’d go with the 6:30 bus (less traffic at that time of morning so the arrival time is more likely to be accurate, and you have a wider margin for error if there’s a huge accident or something).

    • Opal

      You’d have to budget some serious time if you’re driving, so go the bus route. Take a cab from South Station – way more direct since the Red Line hits S Station but nearest T station to the courthouse is every line but the Red Line. You could jump train lines to get to Bowdin or Haymarket, but without knowing the system and being rush hour, that might be more of a headache than you want to deal with. A cab won’t be expensive (~$10) from South Station. I’d say walk, but I was just outside along the Greenway and that wind! It. is. frigid., even for this native Bostonian.

    • Dulcinea

      Definitely bus,do not drive into town at that hour- aside from the hard to find, expensive parking, if you miss a turn it will take you at least 20 minutes just to drive around the block and turn around. Besides the parking isn’t that close to the building; not sure how much stuff you are lugging.

      From South Station I would just take a cab and be driven to the door (I always use the door that faces city hall; not even sure if there is another entrance). If you don’t want to take the cab, take the red line to Park st and walk three blocks.

  15. It's Me Again...

    Wedding etiquette question here…

    For the 2nd time in the past few months, I’ve been invited to a friend’s wedding. This particular one is a black-tie affair and would require me to travel 2 hours to another city, spend the night at a hotel, and use a vacation day at work to attend – not to mention the cost of buying/renting a ball gown or something of that caliber for this swanky black tie wedding.

    The bride was one of my besties in college – but we have not been as close for about 10 years now since she moved away.

    I texted her today to confirm if my S/O would need to get a tux for this wedding and this is when she tells me that the invite is “only for me” and they aren’t providing any plus ones unless “you’re married”. So I guess your significant other is only significant if there’s a marriage license?

    Note: my S/O, the bride, and I all went to college together so this isn’t a total stranger, either, and we all have the same friends in common.

    Anyway, this is the 2nd time now that I’m invited to a wedding and they tell me that S/O’s are not allowed “unless we are married”. This particular one really is bugging me because I have to spend all this money and go out of town and she expects me to do this to sit alone at a table at her wedding?

    Is this tacky or is this just me? I really want to cancel my hotel reservation and decline the invite…

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s considered a breach of etiquette for the couple not to invite plus ones, but it’s not very considerate, especially if you are expected to travel for the entire weekend. If you’re not feeling it, you are not obligated to attend. Just decline politely.

    • Anonymous

      Just say no. You barely know her and she is being rude. I’d have declined on the invite alone- your SO wasn’t listed and therefore isn’t invited. If it’s a very close friend I’m all for asking about it, but someone on the periphery just check “no,” mail in the card and move on.

      Same with tuxes. If the invite says “black tie” then the answer is yes, a tux is a must. No need to ask (unless this was a sneaky way to check on the SO status).

      People have all kinds of justifications for why they can afford a black tie wedding but not significant others. Omg my big family. Omg priorities. Omg so hard you just don’t know you haven’t find this. Nope. It’s just rude and you should say no.

    • Anonymous

      Then decline. As has been discussed ad nauseum on this site, there are a variety of arguments on either side of the plus one debate, but you’re not going to change the bride’s mind about it, and the amount you need to spend to get to the wedding does not entitle you to bring uninvited guests. If it bothers you enough to take your ball and go home, do so. Otherwise sit at the table with your other friends (I am sure she will seat you with people you know and enjoy celebrating your friend’s marriage.

    • Anonymous

      Argh, in moderation for the dreaded s!te word.

      Then decline. As has been discussed ad nauseum here there are a variety of arguments on either side of the plus one debate, but you’re not going to change the bride’s mind about it, and the amount you need to spend to get to the wedding does not entitle you to bring uninvited guests. If it bothers you enough to take your ball and go home, do so. Otherwise sit at the table with your other friends (I am sure she will seat you with people you know and enjoy celebrating your friend’s marriage.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t have to go. She didn’t do anything rude (if the invite had only your name, you were actually being ruder by assuming your SO is invited), but as people say here all the time, an invitation is not a summons and it’s ok to decline. You obviously don’t want to go w/o your SO, which is reasonable, so decline the invite.

    • Reality Check

      Wait, aren’t you the one with the melodramatic on/off relationship with her SO? Didn’t you JUST get back together like 2 weeks ago?

      You need to slow your roll. Instead of overreacting and getting offended and huffy that this “fringe friend” is not giving you a +1, you should be flattered that you even made the cut. There is no need to be defensive and justify all the money/time you’ll be saving by taking a stand and refusing to go. The bride obviously thinks highly enough of you to make room on her guest list and reach out to you. It was incredibly tacky to assume that your SO was invited, especially since the bride probably doesn’t even know you got back together. Honestly, she probably didn’t want any blow-out drama at her wedding, either.

      As an aside, a wedding that requires two hours of travel, a hotel, hair, makeup, and a vacation day is practically EVERY wedding nowadays unless it is in your own backyard. Of course, it’s your prerogative to decline. Personally, I would still send a gift.

      • Anonymous

        Wait really? If this is the case I agree. How is the bride supposed to know you are on again?!? Go without him and enjoy yourself. You need the space.

      • Anonymous

        Ohhhh I didn’t realize this. Yeah I totally change my answer. Your relationship is crazy and it is understandable that someone doesn’t want that kind of drama at their wedding.

      • It's Me Again...

        Don’t think who your +1 is should really matter…

        I’ve never, ever heard of having black-tie destination weddings and not allowing your guests to bring a date – whomever that date is (a random, their sister, their bestie, their husband, their neighbor, who cares).

        And to the “anonymous” above —- what kind of drama, exactly, what that bring to a wedding? I’d argue that there are plenty (plenty!) of married couples with tons of their own drama (cheating husband, cheating wife, constant arguing, haven’t slept in the same room in the past 6 months, what have you).

        I’m assuming you vet all of your guests and their personal, private lives before you invite them to your social functions?

        Bye, Felicia.

        • Anonymous

          Oh please. You’re barely dating this guy. I wouldn’t blame your friends for being sick of the drama.

        • Anonymous

          Of course who your +1 is matters. That’s why it’s socially acceptable to invite only married couples or only married or engaged couples or only couples in a serious dating relationship (which is what we did). And this isn’t a “destination wedding” just because you have to travel to it. Presumably some guests are local and many have to travel. That’s the way it is at many weddings and doesn’t change the rules about plus ones. Maybe the bride doesn’t have the budget for everyone to bring a guest. Or maybe she doesn’t want randos at her wedding. Or maybe she doesn’t want to invite you and this guy, because she (quite realistically) anticipates you might be broken up by the wedding and she will have to pay for a guest who doesn’t attend.

          +1s or invites for SOs are very nice, I agree. But the fact that you didn’t get one doesn’t make this bride a terrible person. You have demonstrated your crazy here over and over again so it’s hard for anyone to take you seriously when you talk about your SO.

      • Dahlia

        I agree with some of what you’re saying- although frankly with my live-in-boyfriend of more than 5 years (common-law by Canadian laws) we have never been invited to a wedding that didn’t invite us as a couple, and I would decline any invitiations that didn’t include him.

        BUT I do take a bit of offense to the attitude of “you should be flattered that you even made the cut.”
        This isn’t the event of the year. You aren’t inviting me to meet the Queen or something. It’s your wedding and you should WANT me there because you want the people you love to celebrate with you. Weddings are a lot of work for everyone involved (guests as well as the wedded) and it should be a gesture of love on both sides.

        If you are ever thinking “boy this fringe friend is lucky they made the cut” you probably shouldn’t invite them. I would never want to attend a wedding where someone was thinking that.

      • It's Me Again...

        What a catty, judgy bunch on this site…

        To be clear — I barely speak to this friend anymore so whatever “drama” I have had in the past with S/O is not at all on her radar. She knows nothing – as does nobody else in my real life.

        This isn’t about S/O — this is about having an expensive wedding and then telling people they can’t bring a date, whomever that date is.

        But since we’ve all made it about my S/O and whatever problems we’ve had, I assume you all have perfect relationships with perfect men and are all perfect women who don’t befriend anyone or invite anyone with unperfect personal lives to your social events. Right?

        Have. A. Seat.
        Ain’t nobody Mother Theresa on this site… Cut it out.

        • Reality Check

          Listen. This is not about the generic, oft-repeated debate of +1s. You have had two friends in the past few months invite you, and you alone, to their weddings. Now, maybe they really do have bright-line bans on unmarried +1s. Or, maybe they just enjoy your company, but only when you are alone.

          You say that nobody else knows about the drama in your life. However, you state that this bride ran in the same circles as your SO, and that you three have mutual friends. Are these mutual friends aware of that time you had a blow-out fight with your SO at a birthday party in front of all his friends? I, a completely random internet stranger, remember that from months ago. Does that say anything about me? Probably. The point is, the people on this site only know what you have told us, and we are wary. Presumably, your friends, his friends, and mutual friends know and observe so much more.

          You once said that you didn’t like the person you become when you are with your SO. It seems as if your friends may agree. I would view this situation through a different lens. Be grateful that your old friends still care enough about you, and think highly enough of you, to extend this invitation. Remember that you had a separate, independent identity beforehand, and that version of yourself had friends and “besties” once upon a time who wish to reconnect with you a decade later.

          Now, you can continue your sanctimonious fuming and insist that you and your recently reunited SO are a package deal nowandforever and cut out all fringe friendships due to imagined slights…but who will be there the next time your relationship takes a turn for the worse, or ends?

          And to answer your question, yes. I would never invite the SO of a “fringe friend” if I was familiar with, or otherwise knew about, their volatile relationship and public dramas. In fact, I would probably not even invite that friend if I had to foot the bill for a black-tie wedding for two of them. So again, be grateful you made the cut.

        • Anonymous

          Again, people are telling you that “having an expensive wedding and then telling people they can’t bring a date” is TOTALLY NORMAL. It’s also totally normal to decline a wedding invite because your BF was not invited. But you are throwing a $hitfit for no good reason, and it’s doing nothing to help your cause.

          • Anonymous

            With the situation outlined by the original poster, I would personally stay home. If it was a “warm” connection (enjoy seeing the person at other events or would grab dinner if I made it to the bride’s city), I would send a gift.

            The bridal “web” describes it as etiquette to only invite those that are engaged and/or married. They also expend a lot of words describing how it is rude to bring this matter up with the bride. I find great humor in people claiming old school etiquette as their crutch for “saving money” when the majority adhere to about zero other traditional standards of etiquette/standards of propriety (aka engaging in sexual relations before marriage/traveling with an unmarried person of the opposite sex).

            It is incredibly rude to not provide a plus one invite to an unmarried person when that person has flown across the country, secured lodging and a car, and in some cases agreed to serve as a bridesmaid. I can think of at least 2 weddings where I stayed with one close guy friend (that the bride had typically met on more than one occasion or even gone to school with) where the bride would invite the person to show up at the after party or the rehersal dinner but would not even extend the courtesy of a plus one to me or a last minute “C” list invite. My basic standard for attending a wedding since I was about 27 has been to (1) decline any invitation that does not include a plus one if it someone that I am not close to or (2) a phone call/conversation with the bride sometime shortly after the Save The Date and before wedding final decisions are made to get a sense of the guest list (aka how likely am I to be seated at a table with people I have never met) or (3) point blank ask for a plus one — this has been mainly with my siblings and when I am an attendant.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I’d decline, based on this whole being required to be married to bring an SO thing alone. No need to explain why, but that is really dumb.

  16. It's Me Again...

    Yup – I have every intention of doing just that.

    Saves me about $600 on travel/hotel, plus the gift, and the cost of the dress, hair and make-up. And I have one more vacation day to use for a true vacation somewhere warm and nice.

    I can eat dinner alone in my own house – free of charge.

    So ridiculous!

    • SC

      I’d probably still send a gift. Of course, an invitation is neither a summons nor an invoice for a gift. But when I decline invitations to weddings I would have attended but for time and expense, I typically send a gift. Then again, it sounds like you are not particularly close with this person anymore. I would just caution that not going and not sending a gift would probably be friendship-ending — hopefully not in a dramatic, confrontational way, but probably at least a slow fade.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. You are not obligated to give a gift, but it would be very understandable if your friend was hurt if you declined (especially after implying – or even telling her ?- that you would go) and then failed to send a gift. I would probably end the friendship in that situation, because I would see your actions as a pretty clear message you didn’t care about me.

        • Anonymous

          Must we? Must we do this? Can we not understand that the same way we did not want to spend the money on our friend’s SO she doesn’t want to spend the money on a gift, and carry on as we were: two not particularly close friends with zero hurt feelings?

          • Anonymous

            But the money spent on a person at a wedding is usually way out of proportion to the money spent on the gift. I didn’t say she has to send her friend a check for $100. If you can’t even send me a card telling me congratulations and you’re thinking of me and some small token to mark the milestone, yeah, I think it’s legit to be hurt. And she said this person was once a good friend (who may still think of the OP as a good friend; people usually draw bright line rules about +1s and dont’ make exceptions for good friends), my comment would not apply to someone who has always been barely more than an acquaintance.

          • SC

            I think carrying on as “two not particularly close friends with zero hurt feelings” is pretty much what I meant by “slow fade.” If I invited an old friend who I haven’t kept up with as much as I might like to my wedding, and she didn’t come and didn’t send a gift, I’d probably think, “Oh, it’s too bad we’re not close anymore.” And I probably wouldn’t call when I was in town but busy seeing family, or I’d text at the last minute if I had time but not make firm plans weeks in advance like I do with close friends. But if I sent the invite, and the old friend came to my wedding, I might make more of an effort in the future, or think we’re the type of friends that can just pick up where we left off. OP can send a gift or not. But it sounds like she is still close enough with this person that she would have liked to go to the wedding with her SO or for less time and expense. If she want to maintain the current level of friendship, I’d suggest sending a gift.

    • S

      A wedding isn’t about eating dinner… it’s about celebrating the marriage of two people that you care about.

      I normally think it’s rude not to invite a couple that has been together for a significant period of time but you guys have been on and off.. I think you’re overreacting but if you don’t want to go to the wedding, that’s fine. Just don’t extrapolate it into this big drama thing

  17. New DC Cat Lady

    Ok – here is a weird one: how do I keep a feral cat warm in the upcoming blizzard? A super sweet cat has been hanging around our apt building recently. I don’t know much about her medical history (spayed? shots? illness?), so I am hesitant to let her into our small apartment. But I want her to be comfy outside. DH set up an insulated shelter and gives her food and water. What else? I don’t want her to freeze.

    • lsw

      Could you call your local humane society/similar organization? They might have some resources you don’t know about.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t mean to be harsh here, but you don’t. They die in this weather. That’s what happens to feral cats.

        • anon

          She’s not wrong, though. My mother’s cat, who used to be feral, ran away this time last year in weather that wasn’t as bad as what’s coming to DC. She didn’t make it, and finding her was brutal. I read this post as trying to moderate OP’s expectations, or maybe encourage another solution (take the cat to the humane society! or to the vet!).

          Best of luck to OP and the cat. It’s sweet of you to try.

        • Anonymous

          No? I love cats. Feral cats die in blizzards. That’s a reality thing that happens and why I report cats to the humane society, and why it’s one of my favorite charities.

          • Jules

            Oh, please. Anonymous at 11:57 was not being helpful but was telling the OP not to try, just to either call the Humane Society (which may or may not be able to come out and pick up a cat) or let the cat die. So, yeah, a d*ickish response. And what’s wrong with the nickname “Vegan?”

            New DC cat lady, you’ve been given good advice about using straw in the insulated shelter — if there’s access to power and it gets really cold, like sub-zero, you could put in a heated throw — and Vegan, ignore this mean stuff from the anon.

    • Carrots

      I would get a blanket to put out for her – something things that will raise the shelter off of the actual ground and then insulate the bottom, which is what my dad does for their outside farm/barn animals. Also, maybe place a second one up perpendicular to the first so depending on which way the wind is blowing, she has a shelter that is not getting wind blown right into it.

        • Carrots

          Yea, my dad uses straw, but i wasn’t sure how available straw would be – I figured blankets would be the next best thing, but if you can get straw, definitely go with that.

    • Wildkitten

      Alley Cat Allies also says to make sure to put the water outside the shelter, since water inside the shelter will make the shelter colder for the cat.

    • SH

      My parents (and I when I lived with them) used to take care of a tiny colony (a mama cat and her two kitties) throughout the years in Chicago. Similar to your setup, we propped open an outside storage area that we didn’t use and put blankets and old towels in there. It was already raised off the ground. When it snowed, we put more blankets in and didn’t prop open the door as much so the wind wouldn’t get in. If some snow got in, we would wash and dry the blankets and towels. Their water bowl would be just outside the shelter door, next to the house, and we would heat it up before putting it outside so it didn’t freeze as quickly.

      Yes, we’re nuts. I’ve told this same story to SO who gives me major side-eye.

      After a particularly bad snowstorm (thigh-high snow), we shoveled a path from the shelter to the edge of the yard where we usually saw them coming (they didn’t spend the night in our shelter). After about a day, I saw them all coming up the path and heading into our shelter, which was a relief because I was genuinely worried about them because I’m a crazy cat lady.

      My mom also successfully trapped and spayed/neutered/vaccinated the colonists; she got the traps from the local humane/feral cat society, and they pointed her to a vet that would do it for free. So if kitty continues to hang out, it may be an option if you want to pursue it.

    • the gold digger

      I had a conference call with a colleague in the UK whom I have never met. I decided we will be friends for sure when he, in the course of small talk, told me how he had once brought a feral cat into his home for a few weeks because it had been snowing so much.

  18. Wildkitten

    Anyone have a leg warmer recommendation? The ones on Amazon all look like crap quality.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Oohh relatedly, any suggestions for leg warmers for plus sizes for someone who has, shall we say, generous sized legs?

  19. AFT45

    I could use some advice from you wise ladies. My son turned 13 recently. A few months ago we subscribed to Netflix so we could watch movies. A few weeks ago, I picked up his phone and “Family Guy” was on the screen. He has repeatedly been told that we don’t approve of that show. When I asked him about it (with the phone in my hand, in front of him), he lied and said he didn’t watch it. We had a huge discussion about lying, how it destroys trust (which cannot be easily rebuilt), and how much less upset I would have been if he had admitted it. I thought we made real progress — until last night. I opened up my home computer and it was open to Netflix and “Prison Break” — not surprisingly another show I would not allow. I asked him about it and he again lied and said he didn’t watch it, but that some other kids had told him it was good. I then checked his Netflix record and found that he has watched hours and hours of American Dad, Family Guy, Prison Break, and S*x Ed. I then cross checked the dates against days when he “forgot” to turn in assignments at school. Not surprisingly, there was a huge overlap.

    I feel completely betrayed. I know that lying when confronted is a natural self-preservation impulse, but I am shocked and hurt at the depth of his dishonesty. I am also completely disappointed that I had such faith in him and it didn’t even occur to me that he would so blatantly disobey fundamental rules like homework before TV.

    Advice? I have taken away all of his electronics, shut down Netflix, and changed all the passwords to his online accounts. Because he needs electronics for school work, I will make him do that in a common area.

    How do I trust him again? How do I let him know how hurt I am by his deceit? We’re coming up on the real teen years and I want to have a good open relationship with him (like I thought we had).

    • Wildkitten

      Everyone gets to decide your own values and rules for your own family, but your rules seem really excessive for a 13 year old, and I worry that by enforcing them you are driving your kid away from you right at the time you want him to be able to turn to you (for actual problems like drugs and sex, not tv cartoon problems.)

      • Wildkitten

        And I think the Ask A Manager approach might work here – focus on him not turning in homework, not on watching TV. That seems like a much bigger problem.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. And on the values thing you can certainly point out when you disagree with a show “wow that’s a terrible decision” while watching it but just banning it?

    • Anonymous

      Oh my god get a grip woman!! Your 13 year old son is watching all the same stuff his friends are. Of course he lied to you he clearly knew you would completely overreact.

      How about instead of being the weirdly controlling mom, you take away Netflix for 2 weeks because he missed homework, and them let him back to watch whatever as long as work gets done. Or set up a controlled account for him but he will find a way around it.

      Your 13 year old son lying to you about Family Guy is not a crisis of trust and an indictment of your special special relationship. It is completely normal behavior.

      • Anonymous

        Yeh. This all sounds crazyyyyy to me. He’s 13 and he watched a tv show you said he couldn’t, it’s really not a big deal. Just make sure he turns in his homework.

    • Diana Barry

      Oh lord. I would probably let my 8-yo watch Family Guy.

      There are 3 issues here:
      1. Schoolwork not getting turned in. This is an issue and he should have to do his homework BEFORE watching anything. I approve of your MO wrt this.
      2. Him lying to you when he has already gotten caught is dumb, and you should talk to him about it again (BUT see my point below).

      BUT!!!!

      2. Him watching “inappropriate” shows is not a big deal. He is 13!!!! In 3 years he will be driving, in 4 years he will be able to go to R-rated movies by himself (and TBH he could probably sneak in now!). His lying to you is something that I TOTALLY DID with my parents at this age when they were being ridiculous about what I could watch. Yes, it is wrong to lie and you should talk to him about it again, but the shows? Not a big deal at all. Really. :)

      • Anonymous

        +1 to Diana Barry. The real issue is the fact that he’s missing homework. That’s what you should focus on and punish him for, not the “inappropriate” shows. It’s normal and natural for kids to want to watch what their friends are watching and if you ban it from your house he will just find a way to see it at a friends house or whatever. And he’s a teenager, not a little kid. (What are you going to do when you discover he’s watching p0rn!? Which he is or will be soon. Good grief, give the kid a little breathing room).

    • Anonymous

      My parents restricted my and my brother’s TV viewing until we left home — our house only had 1 TV (which was weird even for the 90s). We knew we couldn’t watch The Simpsons, 90210 or other shows like that. (Star Trek, X-Files and ER were all OK, for whatever reason). My parents tended to watch TV with us or were in the room when it was on. I watched these “forbidden” programs at friends’ houses and once I left home, and never really felt like I was missing out that much.

      That said, the biggest issue is he’s not doing his schoolwork because he’s choosing TV instead.
      1. Homework must be complete before doing fun things. That should be nonnegotiable.
      2. Watch the programs with him. He heard Prison Break was good? Watch it with him so any questionable situations that arise, you can talk through them (even if he just listens while you say something like, “Whoa, that’s not cool — to bash in the head of a cop.”)

      • Anonymous

        Yes, once he has demonstrated that he can get his homework turned in, watch the shows with him and discuss them afterwards. Ask him questions before you lecture him: “What did you think when that character said that?”

        • shrink

          therapist here – +1,000,000

          if you ban the programs, you will encourage him to be evasive and even craftier in his efforts. Every time he sneaks the programs and you don’t find out – it will reward his lying etc. Then this becomes an integral portion of his persona.

          Once you watch things together, you may be able to point out what you find offensive, as suggested in the posts here, and perhaps his outlook an values may shift accordingly. You can’t prevent him from being exposed to this, but please don’t act in a way that will force him to develop bad habits and worldview that deceit is “good.” (Nod to “Wall Street” movie and Michael Douglas’ character intended.

          • the gold digger

            if you ban the programs, you will encourage him to be evasive and even craftier in his efforts.

            It was all the kids who had been told they couldn’t drink who went crazy in college. My parents had always let me have a sip or two of whatever they were drinking if I wanted it, which I almost never did, because alcohol does not taste good to me unless there is a lot of cream and chocolate in it.

            What we did not have when I was a kid was TV. (Mostly because we lived outside of the US.) When I finally got a TV, I had no sense of discrimination and would watch things like “The Ropers” and all kinds of crap because it was TV! I could watch TV!

            Better (I think – not a parent) to teach your child how to live in the world and distinguish between good and bad than to try to shut the world out.

      • Ekaterin Nile

        Chiming in to say I’m amused that you were allowed to watch X-Files and ER but not the Simpsons!

      • Dahlia

        I agree with this. I was allowed to watch whatever I wanted on TV as a kid, but I knew that my dad didn’t like certain shows- South Park would be an example because of the way they treated religion- so whenever a scene would come on that I knew would make him uncomfortable I would get this little feeling in the pit of my stomach like I knew he would be disappointed in me, and I would change it.

        He never really had to say he didn’t approve of those particular shows, I knew because I knew what his values were. There were also a couple of occasions where he would leave if something that made him uncomfortable came on, and although he didn’t tell me to change it, it made me think about why he left and why he felt it was important not to support certain shows.

        I think it taught me to think about what I was watching, and whether it aligned with my values, which was much more important.

        Recently (at 30 years old) I left the room when some family members were watching a show that had a particularly graphic scene portraying violence towards a woman and realized how much his approach has been embedded in me.

    • Anonymous

      I’m horrified that you seemingly didn’t care about the missed homework until you cross-referenced it with his Netflix and were scandalized by the shows and the lying. The fact that he’s not turning in homework is a way, way, way bigger issue. Like, bigger by a factor of 1,000. Plenty of well-adjusted, high-achieving kids watch TV their parents don’t approve and lie to them about it. But they don’t just completely fail to turn in multiple homework assignments.

      • oy

        Yeah, seriously. This is the issue- TV interfering with school is a habit that needs to be broken asap. My parents didn’t bother to fuss with a lot of behavior that would make OP’s head spin, but dear god if I didn’t turn in homework…….

    • anon

      Yes. Get a grip. This is not a “betrayal.” This is a 13 year old child trying to get away with something that he knows his parents don’t want him to do. When I was his age I was watching MTV when it wasn’t allowed and listening to TOOL to my parents’ horror, and I turned out just g*damned fine.

      Let me repeat: this is utterly typical teenage behavior. He’s not trying to “hurt you” by any “deceit.” He didn’t betray you. This isn’t “deep dishonesty.” This really isn’t even a breach of trust in the way you seem to think it is. The language you’re using sounds like language that should be applied to an adult friend/partner in whom you placed your trust and that person consciously betrayed you and hurt you.

      This is your kid who knew he couldn’t watch certain TV shows, wanted to watch what his friends were watching (…duh) and knew you’d flip out so tried to lie, but his prefrontal cortex isn’t developed enough to understand that you can check his story. I think you’re scared that your kid who used to be your precious boy a few years ago is growing up, lying, and that you’re going to have to work harder at setting boundaries for a person who is becoming a young man. It’s scary to realize your baby is capable of lying to you. But it’s not personal.

      You ground him. You take away TV. You grow up.

    • Vegan

      This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. BTW, Prison Break is a pretty decent entertaining show and would give you a LOT of issues to discuss with a 13 year old.

    • AFT45

      Thanks for all of your feedback. I did know about the missed homework, but thought that he didn’t get to it because of the volume of his other school work. What upsets me is discovering that on the nights that he did not do those assignments, he was instead watching 2+ hours of Netflix.

      The rule in our house is that if you want to watch a new show or get a new app, you ask permission. When my husband or I aren’t sure, we will watch it with him. So, yes, that is why we don’t like certain shows — because we have watched them with our son.

      When he turned 13, we gave him a lot more freedom — phone, social media access, etc., after discussing that school comes first and that those devices, etc., are for use only after homework is done. So yes, I am hurt and disappointed by the fact that he agreed to that condition and then ignored the rules.

      • Anonymous

        Awesome. Glad you’re comfortable ignoring our unanimous good advice.

        No one cares if you, adult woman, likes Family Guy! It’s tailor made for him. Let him make his own choices.

        Also grow up. You’re a parent. You don’t get the luxury of being “hurt” by your children behaving in age appropriate ways. He isn’t responsible for that hurt. It’s not about you.

        He didn’t follow the rules, have a consequence. But spare me than handwringing because you should have seen this coming. It takes a while to grow up and he hasn’t finished yet.

      • marketingchic

        I get the feeling that a lot of the commentors on this s!te with such strong options on marriage and parenting have experience in neither. . . . . That said, I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed to watch what my peers were watching. I found ways to get around those rules (and checked out books from the library that were way more explicit than anything I could have seen on tv.) I did a lot of hiding things and telling half-truths. I’m trying to figure out how to do better with my own kids.

        I think your approach of granting permission is good. You give privileges and gain trust back gradually. Your son learns that he can have access to more mature things (Family Guy, etc.) when he acts with more maturity (honesty, responsibility.)

        • marketingchic

          that should have been “opinions” not “options”. I also hope my kids will be better at typing than me . . .

      • ArenKay

        So I agree that the lying to you is hurtful, but I think it’s worth it to focus on the bigger picture here. Your son clearly doesn’t like the rules you and your husband have set up, and he’s rebelling against them in ways that could really hurt him in the long run (not by watching Family Guy, but by blowing off work). To me, it sounds like he’s not happy at home, and is trying to get your attention. I think it would be worth trying to get him to talk to you about what he wants for himself. That doesn’t mean he gets to write the rules (the suggestion about Ask A Manager is good), but it means he needs to feel like he can have his own interests and expressions without his parents managing everything. While I get your locking down the electronics, it doesn’t, to me, address the core issue. I worry about the kinds of rebellion he could undertake in future.

      • Diana Barry

        GAH. I don’t like Family Guy either, but it is really tailor-made for 13-yo boys. YES not doing the homework is a problem, but you really need to rethink your approach to TV shows etc. apart from the homework issue.

    • SC

      Another issue I see is that you seem to be taking his behavior very personally. He’s 13, and he’s supposed to test his boundaries, mess up, lie about it, get caught, get punished, work to earn back trust. Welcome to your next 5 years. Keep things in perspective, don’t react to normal (mis)behavior emotionally, don’t let it affect your relationship with him, and provide opportunities for him to earn back trust. Growing up, the kids I saw really lying to or just avoiding their parents were ones whose parents had a tendency to react emotionally over every little “thing,” play the victim, or guilt-trip their kid. So, my advice is to not let him know that you’re hurt by his behavior, and work on not being hurt by his behavior (within the bounds of normal teenage rebellion stuff).

      Once the homework thing is under control and he’s served his punishment, based on the comments here, you may want to relax the rules on which shows he can watch. To have a good, open relationship with a teenager, I think you have to show him you’re listening. And you need to pick the most important battles – mainly, homework done before tv.

      • Blue ink pens

        +10

        I think other commenters are being way too judgmental in telling you what your children should and should not be allowed to watch. I think it’s good that you take such an active interest in what your child is exposed to.

        My parents were like you — we were not permitted to watch many shows. It often wasn’t about explicit content; if a show was just too “mature” for us, then it was not allowed. Yes, I did manage to break the rules a few times, but it was a lot harder back then because we didn’t have phones or our own computers.

        I will probably be like you and be strict about what my children watch. Maybe other people disagree, but I think I turned out pretty well because my parents were pretty strict.

        That being said, I completely agree with SC that you should not take your son’s deceit personally. This is about him developing his own identity — it’s not about you. Maybe you are starting to go through the whole process of adjusting to your son growing into a teenager. I’m sure it’s hard, and I’m also sure that you’ll get through it.

      • SC

        Just as a follow-up, my parents wouldn’t let me watch certain tv shows, mainly ones about dysfunctional families and teenagers with bad attitudes (so, Simpsons, Married With Children, Roseann, etc.). I think it’s funny that that’s where they drew the line, when I remember watching things like Ally McBeal, which is pretty inappropriate, with my dad every week. Lots of my friends watched those shows, especially The Simpsons. I respected my parents’ rules because I knew where they were coming from, my parents were pretty lenient about a lot of things (including letting me have a tv in my room with no restrictions on time as long as my homework was done), and when I did catch the shows, I didn’t particularly like them. Also, my parents made no attempts to enforce the rules at other people’s houses, so I also remember watching the Simpsons in my friend’s living room while her mom cooked dinner. So, I don’t really agree with your rules, but I agree that parents get to set them for their own kids. As your son grows up, though, he’s going to push boundaries, and he’s going to lie about it, and other things, as he figures out his own identity. You can respond rationally with a proportionate punishment, but please don’t take it personally. This isn’t about you.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. It is not about me and feeling hurt. I will lighten up on what is permissible to watch, but we need to get back to the understanding about not doing something that impacts his #1 priority — school and work.

    • Lyssa

      FWIW, my parents were pretty strict about what we watched (Friends and The Simpsons were banned, for example). Strangely, they were far stricter than basically all of my friends’ parents seemed to be on this, but generally pretty cool about things like going out, dating, etc., compared to my friends’. Anyway, I was overall a really good kid, rarely did anything bad, but my brother and I completely disregarded the TV rules. If they weren’t around, we watched, basically any time we got the chance. I still remember sitting on the floor of the basement, watching The Simpsons with one finger on the set (no remote) to change the channel if I heard anyone coming.

      So, my point is, this is not necessarily a sign of horrible delinquency. FWIW, by the way, I’m a fan of Family Guy from way back, but I completely support not letting kids/young teens watch it. It’s pretty horrible.

      • Anonymous

        This. Fix the homework issue, and let him watch what he wants. I definitely err on the side that kids are exposed to things they shouldn’t be, but in reality a thirteen year old is about to be an adult in a few years. I had the same experience as the commenter above where my parents were crazy strict about TV and video games, but then had no rules as far as going out or dating. Draw the most important lines now and don’t change your stance. I.E. No alcohol, no drugs, no pregnancies, no arrests. There are much bigger fish to fry with teenagers then watching Family Guy. I knew that I could get away with anything and have all the freedom I wanted if I didn’t break any of the rules above, and I valued that freedom enough that I didn’t drink or do drugs knowing the possibility of losing everything.

        I also got grounded from electronics for a year for quitting a youth group. Don’t do this. It just made me sneak around more and I still hold it against them for being a$$hats. Your kid is old enough to know what rules are like in other households. You can only be so far out of line with what everyone else’s rules are before you DO become the enemy.

        • Lyssa

          Oh, no, that wasn’t really what I was trying to say. Looking back, I don’t think that my parents were entirely unreasonable. I tend to subscribe to the “speed limit” idea of rules – set limits that you expect to be broken, but hopefully not too much. Like if the speed limit is 40, it’s NBD if someone drives 50. Kids should sneak around their parents’ rules some. It’s not the end of the world if the kid watches Family Guy, but it’s definitely OK to try to avoid it. It’s a gross show with horrible values. (I like it, but I’m not a kid who’s still learning when humor is gross and when it is OK.)

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      What are you afraid is going to happen as a result of him watching these shows? Putting aside the time management issues (which any kid can have, regardless of whether they’re mis-managing their time with the help of Netflix, or with the help of a particularly good book) and the lying (which, frankly, I see as a natural reaction to your overly restrictive parenting), what are you actually trying to accomplish by banning what are, essentially, PG-13 television shows? I’m certain I have a bias here, because I have distinct memories of watching South Park with my mom and 9 year old brother when I was 11, but, IME both as a former kid and now as someone who works part-time with kids, TV alone doesn’t “turn” an otherwise good pre-teen or teen. Further, if watching, say, Family Guy, does have some sort of deleterious affect on his behavior, shouldn’t you be addressing the behavior instead of claiming the TV show made him do it?

    • Anon

      You know that expression “no one can lie like an addict”? They should add “or a teenager” to the end of that.

      I have teenagers too, one girl, one boy. You CANNOT keep them from being exposed to the kind of material they will see and hear on shows like Family Guy. In fact, that’s probably mild. I would say there’s a 95% chance a 13 year old boy has already been exposed to p orn. It breaks my heart too but that is reality.

      You have to accept reality and loosen the restrictions if you want to have an honest relationship with your kids. This is way, way too controlling and you are actually driving your kid to lie because he is just being a normal kid of his age.

      Agree about focusing on the school performance.

    • Dulcinea

      I think lying and sneaking around at that age is totally normal. It’s about testing out independence. If you forbid him to eat broccoli/do pushups/read history books I wouldn’t be surprised if he started sneaking that. It’s about testing boundaries and developing a sense of independence (or something like that). FWIW, a lot of kids that age are sneaking around lying about much more troublesome behaviors than watching some trashy TV. I know I was. Did you never once lie to your parents or do something sneaky?

      All of this is to say: You repair your relationship/learn to trust again by recognizing this behavior as a relatively normal developmental phase and you don’t take it personally. Expect it to happen, impose appropriate consequences when it does, and make sure your son knows you love him even when he’s acting out.

    • SA

      No advice just commiseration. My daughter is 12 and even though we said she couldn’t she snuck in almost the whole season of Pretty Little liars

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t read teh comments…but I think this is one of those things that comes with a teenager. They are all liars, sneaks, and idiots. I don’t have any (yet…mine are still sweet cherubs) but I was one myself. Between my 3 siblings and I, there was no lie/scheme that we didn’t put my poor parents through. I know this is awful for you, but a 13 year old watching family guy when you told him not to and then lying is an overcome-able thing. At least he isn’t selling drugs from the shed (my brother did this), telling you he was at a sleepover at his best friend’s and out at high school parties getting blackout drunk all night ( my sister did this on the regular starting at 14), stealing your vodka, watering it down, and selling it to freshman out of the back of his car in the school parking lot (I “heard” this was done by a 16 year old), stealing things from the school and selling them on eBay, the works. With me (the oldest), my parents spent most of Middle and High school trying to prevent me from watching MTV and seeing “unapproved” PG-13 movies or R rated movies. I found it hysterical that that was their biggest concern since (1) I could just go watch that at a friend’s house and (2) I would much rather my kid watching an “unapproved” movie at a friend’s house while eating popcorn and drinking soda with the parents home than drinking beer, smoking weed and making out with boys while watching something PG.

      I think my middle sister was grounded for pretty much all of high school. My brothers were in constant trouble with my parents and did spend *one* night in jail, mostly at the request of my parents who wanted to give them a scare. The good news is all four of us are well adjusted adults. One is a lawyer, one is a business exec, one is a school psychologist and one is a bartender. But my g*d if we grew up in the Internet Age we’d be in trouble.

      One more thing….he’s probably watching p*rn at this point too…if you and your spouse (if applicable) haven’t discussed a strategy to tackle that, you might want to do that now…

  20. Boston wedding recs

    Shameless solicitation for Boston wedding recs! We have the location locked down, but would love personal recs for anything else wedding-related! Trying to avoid online wedding forums… :)

    • JP

      Ned Jackson is the best photographer EVER. He’s expensive but the single best vendor decision we made. His photos are exquisite and he’s also just a really fun and wonderful person.

    • Anonymous

      ExtraPetite just had a Boston wedding and did several posts about it, including a list of the vendors she used. I assume they’re all on the $$$$ of the spectrum but her wedding was beautiful.

  21. Anonymous

    any ideas on how to manage roommates? we finally hired a housekeeper monthly, so at least the house gets cleaned on a monthly basis, but there are still pet peeves that annoy me–i just can’t understand why it is so hard to tied up the garbage bag instead of letting it overflow or clean your hairs out of the sink, etc. these are reoccurring issues and i’ve done absolutely everything from friendly reminding them to now sending out passive aggressive texts and now i’m just wondering if i should just move out. or are their any habits that i can do to not let it annoy me? craigslisting for new roommates sound daunting.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1

        Just wait until you have a husband and children…it gets worse. Way worse.

        • Anonymous

          +1 to Wildkitten

          You can always get a divorce from the husband if he’s too messy.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Is it possible that they hate doing one thing in particular but don’t mind doing something else? Could you each agree to do the thing you don’t hate as much?

      I HATE taking out the trash and recycling for no good reason, but my husband doesn’t mind. He hates doing dishes though and I don’t mind them so I’m in charge of dishes and he’s in charge of trash and recycling. I may technically spend more time on my chore than he does, but it doesn’t bug me since I’m not stuck doing the chore I hate.

      For things like hair in the sink, I don’t have any good ideas. You might need to lower your standards on that one.

      • Anonymous

        This is how I’ve solved all my roommate problems. Everyone generally has cleaning tasks they prioritize. They’re probably annoyed with you for failing to do the tasks they think are important but you don’t like to do.

        For example, I hate when dishes are in the sink or people refuse to load/unload the dishwasher. So I was the kitchen/dishes person – loading, unloading dishwasher, etc.

        I hated vacuuming. So, one of my roommates who loved vacuuming did it. Her task took 15 minutes once a week, mine took 10-15 minutes per day day, but the tasks got done because we did what we cared about.

      • Runner 5

        +1 on trading chores. I’m really bad at as-and-when cleaning but I’m great at remembering to do the bins so that’s my job and my housemates don’t have to even think about it.
        What has helped me when I lived with total pigs was to keep my own space totally clean and tidy so that the mess elsewhere didn’t bother me so much.

    • anon

      Sit down with everyone. Have a come to jesus chat about it. Hints/passive aggression are the death knell to happy roommate relationships. Ask me how I know.

      Chats can be hard and awkward. But getting everyone’s expectations on the table, creating a system to get stuff done, and not letting resentments fester are your key goals.

      Don’t make it personal- ie, don’t say “I can’t understand how you think it’s ok to leave your hairs places, I think that’s foul” even though that is what you are thinking. Say “I know that we all can tolerate different levels of organization/cleanliness but for me it’s really important that the sink be cleaned after use” or “here is a chore wheel so we all take turns taking out the trash.”

      • Senior Attorney

        You say “Carol Brady vibe” like it’s a bad thing…

        I think it’s weirdly cute.

    • NYC tech

      I think the collar & cuffs look like they were imported from a different dress.

    • Anonymous

      It looks like a trench coat. I can’t tell if that’s the style of the dress or if it’s just too large on the model.

  24. Anonymous

    I’ll repost on the new thread, but with a major snowstorm coming, I’m looking for new movie/TV ideas.

    Favorites include Thomas Crown Affair, Downton Abbey, Pretty Woman, Bridget Jones Diary, Love Actually, Madam Secretary. I love Game of Thrones for the political plots but don’t love the gore. . .I like political movies, smart crime capers (not terribly violent), nothing psychological, non-sappy romances (despite the ones I listed!). House of Cards was enjoyable but then got a little dark for me.

    Any new ideas on Netflix and Amazon streaming? I’ve been wondering about The Americans, the Bourne series. . . Breaking Bad has been recommended several times but might be gory.

    • Senior Attorney

      The Americans is fantastic. Can’t recommend it highly enough! Although they don’t shy away from violence, I wouldn’t call it “gory.” (Also, I’m squeeing over the fact the two stars are expecting a baby in real life!)
      Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
      Groundhog Day
      Making a Murderer — totally addictive

      • lsw

        I like those too! And enjoy Agatha Christie’s Poirot (on Netflix) and Miss Marple (on Hulu). I’m a bit of a mystery fiend, though. And grew up watching the Poirot episodes with my dad.

      • Little Red

        Yes, seriously! Great female lead character, a very handsome male supporting character, and passes the Bechdel Test if you care about that. Gorgeous costumes and sets that are a feast for the eyes. I’m madly in love with the show and Phryne.

    • Anonymous

      Big fan of Elementary — it’s lots of fun but also somewhat smart. The Bourne movies are really good — haven’t seen the latest with Jeremy Renner, but really like Matt Damon’s ones.

      Just because I plug it where I can: The I.T. Crowd on Netflix — an British series about two computer nerds and their technically unsavvy boss — it’s hilarious.

    • SC

      +1 to Miss Fisher’s Mysteries.
      Sherlock
      Call the Midwives
      West Wing
      Friday Night Lights
      Grace and Frankie

    • Davis

      I totally agree with The Americans – great show! I think you’d like The Blacklist (Netflix – 2 seasons).

    • Anonymous

      I totally agree with The Americans – great show! I think you’d like The Blacklist (Netflix – 2 seasons).

    • X

      Top of the Lake
      Wallander
      Broadchurch
      Bloodline
      Luther
      Happy Valley
      The Fall
      Peaky Blinders
      The Honourable Woman
      Bosch on Amazon

    • CKB

      Call the Midwife is good if it’s available in the US. Human period drama set in the East End of London in the 50s and 60s.

    • Anonymous

      Breaking bad is gory in spots but the acting is fabulous. I didn’t think I’d like it either, but I was hooked. The story is complex, and so well told. I like your other picks, so I think you’d like it.

    • Anon

      Are you me? I love well written drama and suspense but can’t stand gore. That is why I don’t watch Game of Thrones with my husband. I recently spent some time essentially bedridden and I watched a bunch of movies plus the following series

      The Newsroom (HBO, on Amazon)
      Mr. Selfridge (BBC on Amazon)

      I tried to but didn’t love the Bourne movies because they felt like one long car chase, which I find a bit wearying.

      I also watched Transparent but didn’t thoroughly love it. Too much n udity as my kids tend to wander in and out as I binge watch.

    • Anonymous

      Might be a little on the gory side, but seasons 1 &2 of Fargo are AWESOME. It’s funny-gory, if that makes sense? The acting is wonderful!

    • Anonymous

      Call the Midwife and Scandal are my favorites. Not sure if older episodes of Scandal are on Netflix. I watch the newer ones on Hulu.

  25. Anonymous

    I’m attending a Pakistani wedding (held in the US) in the spring and I need to get some appropriate attire for the wedding and related events. The bride told me I should wear kurtis for two daytime/evening events and fancier clothes for two evening events; she would very much prefer that I wear something from her culture but understands if I can’t make it happen. I’d like to be festive for her without breaking the bank. Any recommendations for reputable online retailers? Or stores in the Philly area? Tips about budget and finding the right fit are also very, very welcome!

    • Anonymous

      I’m in the DC area, so can’t give you specifics for Philly, but if you have a day to spare you could check out the stores in Jackson Heights in Queens, NY or if you come down to VA, there are a bunch of stores in Springfield. They are both brown towns so you’ll have a few options of clothes.

      I haven’t gotten many fancy clothes from online before, but for more casual stuff you could checkout http://www.daamandesigns.com/ I’ve ordered from there before and they were reliable, affordable, and accurate in sizing. Pakistani weddings are elaborate so the fanciest outfit from that website would work only for the most casual events for the wedding.

      An option for fancier clothing is https://www.facebook.com/skcollectionz/?fref=photo. I know it’s just a facebook store, but my mom recently ordered a few outfits and they were decent.

      As far as budget, Pakistani clothes are like any other type of clothing. You could spend a little or a lot. For a wedding for a fancier occasion like a reception (valima), I would say that mid-range would be $65 – $150.

      I think fit is easier with Pakistani clothes than western clothing. Often styles (depending on what is trending) can be looser. Also, tailoring clothes in Pakistan is very common and having tailored made clothes is also common. As a result, Pakistani clothes tend to have a little extra fabric to work with than western clothes.

  26. Little Red

    If I dress that nicely for work on a regular basis, I’d be on this dress like white on rice!

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