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Updated: Sep 28, 2021 166 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Marrakesh Necklace

Coffee Break |

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This fun teal necklace stuck out recently when I was browsing through Banana Republic — I love how it instantly elevates any outfit, no matter how boring and minimal. White T-shirt and blue jeans? Check. Black and black? Check. I also think this would look lovely with navy, green, purples, and maybe even reds.

It's $120 at Banana Republic (full price).

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Comments

  1. Anon

    I think that BR has been hitting it out of the park lately. I’m a size up due to COVID / being sedentary and I don’t care about losing the weight right now b/c it justifies buying some new things now that we are back in the casual / fashion / fun clothes as workwear office.

    • Anon

      My problem with BR lately is that they aren’t having sales! They used to have 40% off all the time and now hardly ever. At least here in Canada. I love their tops for work but no way I’m paying full price.

      • PolyD

        Here in the US, I’ve noticed that, too. No sales and expensive jewelry.

        I’ll give them credit for their sweaters and some of their jeans, but I had a run of ordering blouses from them that were so thin, I could literally read print through them. Worse quality than many Loft blouses I own.

      • Anon

        Eh, we’re conditioned to want sales from mall stores; in order to keep afloat, mall stores tank their quality. So maybe not putting their things on sale means that it’s actually high-quality stuff?

    • BeenThatGuy

      I absolutely love this necklace and had one just like it 10 years ago. Are statement necklaces making a comeback? I’ve saved my favorites and this post is giving me the itch to add them back into the accessory rotation.

      • Anon

        They are definitely back. I can’t wear them because they rip my long curls out, but I always notice when they come back in vogue because they look so cute.

    • C

      Just went and bought a great pair of wide legged pants and a blouse from banana republic factory – that’s where you get the sale prices. I don’t have a formal office dress code, but I’ve been getting a lot of pieces that I wear casually from there.

      • PLB

        And see, I’ve been eyeing a BR Factory dress for weeks, but the price is too high for “factory” quality. I was shocked the starting price is $100, I.e. not that far off from non-factory dresses.

  2. Achievement unlocked

    PSA/reminder to do the thing! I set a reminder to FINALLY call Kitchenaid customer service (I tried several times, but kept missing East Coast business hours) and a replacement mixer is on the way! Also did a much put-off work thing today so I am feeling pretty darn good.

    • Ses

      +100 life-ing points. Nothing better than getting a thing fixed/returned/submitted.

  3. Anonymous

    Am I being unreasonable? DH and I have been trying to hire a cleaning service and have asked prospective services for proof they are insured and to confirm their employees are legally authorized to work in the US, which I thought was a fairly low bar, but we have had a hard time even getting those questions answered. Is this an unreasonable ask? And relatedly, we found one cleaning service that provided that info and then they asked if we wanted the cleaners to wear masks, to which we responded if they weren’t vaccinated, yes, and by the way we were both vaccinated and happy to wear masks if the cleaners had any concerns. The company’s response to that made it sound like we being unreasonable by suggesting they should know if their employees were vaccinated, and that pissed me off (husband had same reaction, so it wasn’t just me)–so is that an unreasonable request?

    • Anonymous

      I think knowledge of employees’ vaccination status and proof of insurance are reasonable things to expect of a company that sends people to work in your home. I also think you are unlikely to find a company that will actually provide both of these things.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Your mask inquiry/request is totally reasonable. Not sure why they would ask if you preferred masks if they weren’t willing to engage in related conversation. I can understand why they haven’t asked employees for proof of vaccination, but it sounds like they’re more than happy to require them to wear masks which would satisfy everyone involved.

      I imagine I would have a hard time finding a cleaning service here in Texas that would easily/willingly answer your question about employee work authorization, but that doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable to ask.

    • Anonymous

      Not unreasonable for a high end service, but for your average cleaning company that only pays their employees minimum wage those expectations don’t line up with reality. Source: MIL owns a high end cleaning company, her employees are all vaccinated, but they are also paid more than twice what other companies do.

    • Anonymous

      Anyone we have used has always been bonded and insured. (That goes for house cleaners to pet sitting services.) Insured-only seems like a more than reasonable ask for anyone with access to your home when you’re not there.

      • Annette

        Yes, I have had people who were to come in to do various handiwork, in addition to cleaning, who refused to wipe their feet or wear masks. They also did not respond when I asked if they were vaccinated. So I sent them back out, and got billed by their company anyway.

        My husband says I was probably right in chasing them but he paid the bill. I was not going to pay a dime, and if they sued me, I would say they didn’t do any work. My husband did not want to make waves, so we are out the money but at least we didn’t import any COVID into our homes, let alone mud from the guy’s shoes.

        • Anon

          Do you ask people when you go into restaurants? Maybe make it known at the outset that the person will need to be masked but depending on state law, I’m not sure you get to ask vax status and to spring it on someone when they’ve arrived at work is inviting bad karma.

    • Anon

      Depending on what state you’re in they may not be able to ask their employees vax status. I would have just said yes, we prefer they mask and left it at that. That’s safer anyway, since vaccinated people can still spread it.

      We’ve never asked for proof of work authorization. I thought that was one of the benefits of hiring a company, that you’re not culpable if the employees turn out to not have the right papers. That’s their burden to enforce, not yours.

    • Anonymous

      I would DEFINITELY require proof of insurance in terms of someone getting injured on the job plus someone stealing from your home (janitorial bond).

    • Anon

      Sometimes it’s easier to ask everyone to wear masks than to differentiate based on who is and is not vaccinated.

    • Anon

      I’d ask employees for the form (I-9?) and SS card if I were the employer. If I am not the employer, I don’t ask. It is the employer’s problem and I want to keep it that way. Licensed (depending on location) and insured are always legit questions.

      [To wit: I don’t ask employment status of the employees of our mobile vet or doggie daycare dog sitters / walkers or painters or plumber or electrician where the worker has an employer (who is not me), even when the work is done in my house. I do ask our summer nanny and also carry workers’ comp on her since I am her employer.]

      • Anonymous

        This. Frankly, if you’re dealing with an established, licensed business, they may be insulted that you asked (not saying they should be, but that’s not your problem, it’s the government’s).

        • Anon

          Or that you just ask for cleaners but maybe you don’t ask at the mani/pedi place or restaurants or any hotels (perhaps in prior times).

      • anon

        +1 on not checking authorization to work. I don’t have an obligation to check the authorization to work of the employees of a company that does work for me, and I can’t think of any reason to ask that wouldn’t look like racism/classism (do you ask your accounting firm? architect?).

        It seems smart to me to check insurance if you’re relying on it and possibly being added as an additional insured if necessary. “We’re insured” means nothing if you don’t know that the insurance covers what you care about. That said, companies can drop insurance and I don’t really have the bandwidth to stay on top of this.

        There’s no meaningful licensing regime for house cleaners in my jurisdiction (and I don’t care so much about whether a cleaning company stays on top of general corporate filings), so I wouldn’t check that. I always check the licenses of physicians my family uses and certain trades.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree with this. The reason you hire a service rather than an individual is to that the responsibility for this kind of thing is on the service.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, all. Sounds like reasonable on insurance, maybe not on the authorization to work (this was mostly a proxy for “are you actually following labor laws/paying your people minimum wage,” without asking that, but you’re right, it’s not like I ask servers at restaurants. When we went to restaurants, which we still aren’t, because Covid), and I need to sort out my personal feelings on the covid issue (it is totally legal to ask in my state. As both of our employers have asked us. Mine’s not even letting anyone unvaxed in our building, including clients).

      • Senior Attorney

        I do think it’s reasonable to require the workers to be vaxxed if that’s important to you. Just be aware it may make it harder and/or more expensive to find someone.

  4. Anonymous

    I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just to vent. I’m mourning the relationship I wish I had with my mother (again). My MIL passed away during lockdown and now that the family is vaxxed, they’re having a service. FIL asked me if my mother is coming. I talked to her and she doesn’t want to go (8+ hour drive for her and she won’t fly) but she said she would if I wanted. The last and only time she saw my ILs was at our wedding and she didn’t interact with them at all. She literally sat in a corner and read a book during all wedding events, even the v small events we held specifically so the parents could get to know each other. If I asked her to go to the funeral I think she would go, but I also think she would hide in a corner with a book again. I talked to DH; while he would like her there to show her support, and he thinks it’s borderline disrespectful for her to not come, it would be more disrespectful to come and behave like she did at the wedding. My mother is relieved that no one is “making” her go and I suppose I’m glad to not have to babysit her when I really need to focus on being there for my husband. But I’m so sad that my mother won’t be there for the both of us like I wish she would.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s weird to expect your mother to attend your MIL’s service, especially if it’s an 8-hour drive each way or would involve flying. She doesn’t know your in-laws.

      • anon

        Yeah, I’ve been married for nearly 25 years and wouldn’t expect this from my parents for my in-laws.

        • Anon

          Married 22 years here. My mom and dad met my MIL at my wedding. That was the first and only time they’ve ever seen each other. There’s no way my MIL is going to attend my mom’s funeral or vice-versa; they don’t know each other at all.

      • Eager Beaver

        I think this probably depends a lot of culture, location, etc. I would absolutely expect my in-laws to attend the funeral for either of my parents and vice versa.

        • Anon

          You’d expect them to fly in? I understand feeling like they should attend if everyone is in the same city.

        • Anonymous

          I never would in this situation. She is very far away and did not have a relationship. You are being too hard on her.

        • Anon

          Are you Asian? Anecdotally, I feel like being close to your kid’s in-laws is much more common in Asian families than white ones. My BFF is Indian and her MIL stays with her parents when she visits from India instead of staying with my friend + her husband. Her mom and her MIL also text and talk to each other one on one (mostly about the grandkids, I think, but there does seem to be a real friendship there) and her parents have visited the in-laws when they went back to India. I’m sure they would attend each other’s funerals even if they had to travel to do so. But I don’t have any white friends whose parents and in-laws have that kind of relationship.

      • anon

        Ditto, I would never expect this from my mom and she/we are super family-oriented. I think it’s a big ask especially since she doesn’t know your MIL at all.

      • Anon

        Agreed. Married 15 years with kids. Our parents met at the wedding weekend and have overlapped for Thanksgiving dinner at our house maybe 4 or 5 times since. I would not expect them to attend a funeral for the other family, especially if it was not local. Even for a local funeral, I don’t think I would “expect” attendance but I think they might offer.

      • LaurenB

        I agree. My parents and In-laws have known one another for 30 years and been at events together but I would only expect them to attendance if they were in the same city. A phone call is sufficient.

    • Anonymous

      On what planet is it “disrespectful” for your mother not to drop everything and spend two days traveling to attend the funeral of someone she met once? It’s disrespectful to expect it of her.

    • Anon

      Whoaaa I’m on your moms side. They’re your in laws, not hers. She hasn’t seen even them since your wedding! A condolence card is all that’s expected in this situation at most, she’s not being disrespectful by not wanting to travel to a funeral for someone she’s met once! My parents and in-laws have met several times since our wedding and it would never occur to me to expect my parents to attend a funeral for one of them (or vice versa). If the funeral was local to her, it would be a nice gesture to attend and support your DH. But to drive 8+ hours or fly? No way.

    • Jeffiner

      It sounds like the support you need isn’t the support your mother can give you. Not everyone can force the small talk at a social gathering. At my wedding both of my in-laws and my mom sat silently in corners. I have a cousin who sits in a corner reading a book at family BBQs. But its enough that they are there, they don’t have to do anything more. I usually sit in the corner quietly, even among my friends and family. There’s nothing disrespectful about it.

      Do you have an aunt or cousin or friend you can lean on during the service? And is your mom available to talk on the phone, or to watch the kids/pets/house while you’re gone, or help make dinner when you get back?

    • Anon

      I think it’s wildly unreasonable to expect her to drive for an entire day (8 hours is a long drive for anyone but especially an older person) or to fly in a raging pandemic and put her own health at risk to attend a funeral for a person she has met literally ONCE. There are lots of other ways for her to show support to her grieving son in law. I’m baffled you think she’s being disrespectful by not wanting to attend the funeral. You’re being so disrespectful to her by trying to guilt trip her into going.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was never emotionally supported by my parents, and it’s really hard. I have done a lot of mourning the parents I wish I had.
      For the people above questioning whether this is reasonable— I always felt like my parents didn’t think the things and people in my life were important. Reading in a corner instead of meeting your daughter’s new family is pretty rude and probably indicates a pattern that the mother is dismissive or invalidating of other things the OP finds important. I think it’s understandable to want your mom’s support when you’re going through a difficult emotional experience. I’ve always heard that funerals are for the living, and often send flowers or even go to the funerals of my friends’ parents as a show of support to my friend. It seems like this is what OP wants, which is perfectly normal and valid.

        • Anon

          I agree mom’s behavior at the wedding was not great. But it sounds like that was a long time ago so hanging onto a grudge about it now isn’t going to fix anything, and the reality is she doesn’t have a relationship with OP’s in-laws and it’s not normally expected that you fly to a funeral of someone who met once and barely interacted with. I understand why OP wishes the relationship were different, but I also think it’s very unreasonable to expect her mom to go to such great lengths to attend the funeral of someone she has no relationship with.

      • Anon

        Yes, funerals are for the living, but you generally don’t attend unless you had some kind of relationship with the deceased. The mom also has no relationship with the closest living family member, OP’s MIL. If your argument is that she needs to attend to support her SIL, then do you also feel like she’d be obligated to attend the funeral if her SIL’s best friend died? I can’t imagine anyone would be criticizing her for not flying to a funeral in that circumstance, but her SIL would be grieving and would need support all the same. There are ways to support your grieving family member that don’t involve traveling a long distance to attend the funeral of someone you barely knew. If the issue is OP’s mom hasn’t been supportive of her grieving SIL at all, then that may be an issue. But it’s a very different question than the one posed.

        • Anon at 3:44

          My point was that the OP is grieving, too because clearly her MIL was important to her, and that this could just be another time in a lifetime of not feeling like she can count on her own mother for emotional support.

          Your statement that people at a funeral has not been my experience. When my own parents died, I had many friends and coworkers sho up who had never even met my parents.

          I actually think it’s perfectly reasonable for the mother in this situation not to attend the funeral. What I was trying to push back against was the idea that OP is overreacting by wishing her mother was an emotional support for her. It doesn’t look from this post like she’s guilting her mother into anything or that she even said cross words to her mother, just that she wishes the relationship were different. I totally empathize with the OP in this.

          • Anon

            She said her mother is being disrespectful for not being wanting to travel to this funeral, and I disagree. Not wanting to attend the funeral of your child’s in-laws who you met once and didn’t connect with is not disrespectful, especially when there’s extensive travel involved. Her mom may have behaved badly at the wedding many years ago, but she’s being entirely reasonable in this instance. Plus, it sounds like the mom would go if OP really wanted her there. I understand OP’s disappointment that her mom never built the relationship with her in-laws that she’d hoped for, and I don’t see anyone saying those feelings aren’t valid. What people are pushing back against is the labeling of her mom as disrespectful for not wanting to go to the funeral.

          • Anon at 3:44

            She actually said her HUSBAND said the mother was being “borderline disrespectful.” The entire post was about being sad that she couldn’t rely on her mother emotionally. There are a lot of people on this thread saying she is not being reasonable, but what OP seems to be saying to me is that she is sad that she and her mother don’t have the relationship she wishes they did.

        • Anon

          This isn’t accurate; people do attend a funeral when you know the bereaved but never met the deceased.

          • Anon

            I’m not saying no one in history has attended a funeral where they didn’t know the deceased, but I don’t think it’s common to fly in for a funeral where you didn’t know the deceased or his closest living relative.

            Would you also expect the mom to travel 8 hours to attend the funeral of her SIL’s best friend? Because if not (and I suspect most people would not) this is not just about supporting her SIL.

        • Anon

          I had that same thought. My MIL describes herself as an extreme introvert who doesn’t really like people. She is capable of being polite and engaging with people for short periods but every time I’ve been around her (which is not that often, as she and my husband aren’t close) I can tell that she gets exhausted being around people, and she told me once that she feels very awkward around others and runs out of things to talk about quickly. I can totally see my MIL choosing to read or knit instead of engaging in some kind of bonding with my parents, had I set that situation up at my wedding. (Also: my mom is an extrovert and can be…kind of a lot. Like the polar opposite of my MIL. So probably not comfortable or fun for either of them.)

          I totally and completely understand the OP mourning not having the relationship with her mom that she wishes she had. My husband feels similarly about his mom. She took care of his physical needs for food and shelter and clothing, but they never emotionally connected in any meaningful way because of her extreme introversion and her need for large amounts of alone time (which was not really conducive to her raising my husband alone after his dad took off and wasn’t seen again for many years). The only solution for my husband (after therapy) was to accept that she had done the best she could, as the person she was, which was not the person he wished she could have been. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t grieve ever, but the grief is not as much of an ever-present emotion as it used to be.

        • Anon at 3:44

          My perspective is that I believe an OP when they say a particular event was hurtful to them, unless there’s a reason not to. Absent a disability, yes I do think it’s rude for a grown adult to read in a corner during a one-time event that is specifically designed for the parents to meet. Even if that person is shy. And if there is a disability present, I still think the OP has the right to mourn the fact that her mother is incapable of providing a relationship that all of society tells us is the norm.
          Of course we should be kind to each other, but I think it’s reasonable and expected to mourn or be sad about the situation if you have a parent who does not or cannot provide emotional support.

    • Cat

      I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your mom to go to your MIL’s funeral. They obviously had no relationship…

    • Anon

      I can understand wishing your mother was different in this. It sounds hard. Her behavior at the wedding would be very out of place.

      I think my mom would go to my ILs’ funerals, but more likely she’d just send flowers. Ditto the reverse. Hugs to you.

    • Anonymous

      It’s not disrespectful to not go to a funeral for someone you don’t know

      • Anon

        I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I don’t think the mother’s relationship to the deceased is what’s important here. Her daughter and son-in-law have suffered a significant loss. The relationship with them is what counts.

    • Senior Attorney

      I agree that given the facts of this case, it’s not reasonable to expect your mom to attend. But it is completely understandable for you to be sad that the facts of the case are not different, and to wish that your mom were a different type of mom, and that she’d been lovely and loving at the wedding and gracious ever since, that that she’d gotten to know your MIL, and that she was there for you and your husband in this and all the other ways she’s not.

      Hugs to you.

    • No Problem

      I’m not married, but both of my brothers are. My parents have made active effort to build relationships with both of my brothers’ in laws, despite living pretty far away (and vice versa! my brothers have lovely in laws). If one of those in laws passed, I think they would try to attend if they could get there in time (Jewish funerals are on extremely short notice), but nobody would be upset if they couldn’t make it. For someone who doesn’t have a relationship with their child’s in laws? Totally unreasonable to expect attendance.

    • Ses

      Not sure if this is just me projecting, but the avoiding-social-situation-by-reading hits home for me, so I thought I’d mention this.
      Is it possible your mom is on the spectrum or otherwise not neuro-typical? I just suggest it because the difficulty communicating emotional support, and doing inappropriately introverted things during social events, along with being willing to attend but taking it at face value when you say she doesn’t have to… it doesn’t immediately say “doesn’t care” to me as much as I sounds like myself and other non-neurotypical friends.

      • Anon

        Agreed. I immediately assumed your mom was reading because she was socially awkward, not because she hates your in-laws.

        Fwiw, nobody was reading a book, but my parents basically ignored my in-laws at our wedding, and my in-laws didn’t exactly make a lot of effort to talk to my parents either. They connected best with my dad’s difficult mom, who my dad and I actually became estranged from after my wedding because of her terrible behavior at the wedding (nothing to do with my MIL and FIL). When my grandmother passed away a few years later, my in-laws did not suggest attending the funeral, even though they were in the same city as my late grandmother. They did offer to host my father, who was flying in for the funeral, which I thought was incredibly sweet. He didn’t take them up on it, but even if he had I’m sure they would not have attended the funeral with him. My dad also told me not to fly in, and even though I asked him multiple times if he was sure and pointed out that funerals are for the living and I wanted to support *him* not my grandma, he insisted that I didn’t have a relationship with her and didn’t need to be there. My mom also did not go, at my dad’s suggestion. So while I understand the “funerals are for the living” argument to a point, I think the relationship with the deceased also matters a lot. It would have been unimaginable to me to skip my mom’s mom’s funeral, because I actually had a relationship with her.

      • anxious mom

        Or depression/anxiety. This sounds like something my mother would do, and she struggled with mental health issues her whole life, mostly around anxiety, in addition to being reserved and shy. My sister was sad in a similar way to this OP when my mom wasn’t all involved in her large wedding and super outgoing in laws. It was basically a giant ordeal convincing my mom to buy a dress and attend (once she was there, she was OK for the most part). Eventually my sister said she knew mom had limitations and it was what it was, but wishing things were different is real. (I got married at City hall and told my mom after, and she was totally cool with that, probably because she would not have to attend an event… bright side i guess?)

    • Allie

      It would not occur to me to have one set of parents go to the other set of parents’ service in my marriage. Maybe if we were all local? But definitely not with travel.

    • Anon

      I think you would do both yourself and your mother a kindness by accepting her for who she is and letting go of the idea that she will magically become someone else.

    • NYCer

      Adding to the chorus…. My mom and I are very close, and I would never expect her or even ask her to go to the funeral of my husband’s parents. Sure there are some families with in laws who are close to the other side of the family, but it is a rarity I think.

    • OP

      I’m just coming back to this, had an unexpectedly busy afternoon. Thanks very much to everyone who gave heartfelt and empathetic responses. To those who think I’m so unreasonable and disrespectful to my poor mother, in no particular order:
      – Mom has not done anything else to show support. She never sent DH a card. Never asked for his dad’s address to send a card. Didn’t ask where to send flowers or donation or even ask to see the obit. She has seen DH since his mom passed, I’d have to ask him to be positive, but I don’t think she even said sorry for your loss or acknowledged it in any way. If she did it wasn’t in my presence.
      – I have 3 siblings, all married, 2 have had parents in law pass, not local to mom. Mom attended all other ILs’ funerals, including out of the country, but granted that was years ago and she was better able to travel. She did not have much of a relationship with any of them, she went because “it’s what one does” which is exactly what she said about this funeral but she doesn’t want to go anyway.
      – The wedding was right before lockdown, this isn’t some longtime grudge I’ve been holding onto.
      – My mother has always been an anxious person but refuses to believe she has a problem, it’s the rest of the world that’s the problem. I tried to cater to her anxiety as much as possible by hosting small, casual events with just us and the parents, but she refused to speak to anyone. She was fine at the wedding itself, but she only spoke to my siblings. The only time I saw her was for photos. She did not congratulate me or speak to my husband on our wedding day.
      – She says she likes my husband and he’s a good match for me, so it’s not as if she doesn’t like him or his family. She just doesn’t really care for me, I think.

      • Anonymous

        I am reading all of this so late, but just wanted to commiserate so you know you’re not alone. The thing that stuck out to me is that it feels as though a lifetime of your mom’s actions are culminating in this. It wouldn’t necessarily be so upsetting that she didn’t want to come to the funeral if she hadn’t acted that way at your wedding, plus probably a bunch of other things. I mourn my relationship with my mom sometimes too. And, sadly, often in times where she is doing her best now, but it reminds me of very hurtful things from my childhood. She is often at my house watching my kids, which is so kind of her, but will do something that digs up painful memories just in the course of being her. And I get angry and have to walk away…while all she is doing is playing with my kids. So, yeah, I don’t think it’s absolutely horrible that she doesn’t want to come to this funeral, but I tooootally get why it’s so sad – it’s another thing she’s doing that is in line with the other painful things she has done. I wish I had some advice for you, but clearly I have not figured it out either. Sometimes I try to remind myself of the positive things – how hard she is trying with my kids now, the good things she did for me when I was a kid, etc. – because I want to try to love her for her, and not just because she’s my mom before its too late to do that.

    • A

      I’m Indian and we’re all about family. But I side with your Mum here. Your husband and you are being unreasonable. Maybe she could send a nice card.

  5. Anon

    I cried in front of my supervisor today over something incredibly minor and now I’m horribly embarrassed and contemplating running away and finding a new job. Please tell me this won’t ruin my career.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I’m a supervisor. People cry in front of me a fair bit. I don’t remember who/when/specifics. If you have a track record of normal emotion management and this happened once, you’re fine.

    • AnonInfinity

      This will not ruin your career! I cried in front of more than one partner at my former firm, and they still treated me with respect and have given me good recommendations since. I think this happens more often than you realize.

    • Anon

      I have experienced this with my direct reports as well. It’s no big deal as long as its an isolated incident and not a pattern. These past two years have been hard on everyone. Hang in there!

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m pretty sure your supervisor has cried over something incredibly minor (or at least wanted to) over the course of their career. It didn’t ruin their career and it won’t ruin yours.

    • Anon

      I literally broke down crying on a zoom call with 7 (!!) people last week, including multiple partners who are my bosses. I was really embarrassed at first, but everyone was super nice after and several checked to see if I was ok. This will not ruin your career. We are people, not robots.

    • anon

      Pretty much everyone I know has cried at work, albeit usually in an office with a closed door or in the bathroom. It’s normal! I’ve even had a supervisor cry in front of me. I seriously doubt it will impact, much less ruin, your career.

    • Anonymous

      I have cried countless times at work over the last 20 years and it has never hurt my career at all.

    • pugsnbourbon

      You will not ruin your career! I have cried in front of a supervisor. It’s okay!

    • Anon

      Oh goodness, I’m sorry and it absolutely won’t. I cried during an interview with my now boss. I don’t recommend that as a general move, but it certainly didn’t harm me! It happens. I’ve had directs cry in front of me and I’ve never once held it against them for a second.

  6. Anon

    Any tips for dealing with a slimy HR person after giving your notice? I’ve heard multiple horror stories about the way she acts with people on the way out, both in being snide and condescending, and in trying to counter without accepting “no” for an answer. There’s no chance I’m willing to stay.

    • Anon

      Just don’t interact with that person? And if she tries, just say “excuse me” and excuse yourself from her presence.

        • Anon

          What is there to handle? Your final paycheck can be mailed. You leave your stuff at your desk. The 401k people handle that (ditto Cobra), which are not do-by-the-last-day things.

          Like if you rage-quit, you just walk away. What else is there to do, really?

          • Anon

            A lot of companies will not give a positive reference if you don’t check all the right boxes on the way out. Dropping your cr4p and flouncing is not how adults leave jobs.

          • Anon

            They generally will never give you a reference. I’m shocked that any would. At most they confirm dates of employment.

    • Anonymous

      She doesn’t need to accept “no” as an answer to her counteroffer. You are fine as long as you don’t say “yes.”

    • Annette

      Glassdoor.com is the best equalizer. My friend got the ax from her firm, but then totally skewered them on the web. They are now known as the “absolute bottom dwellers” in a major East Coast city. That will teach them of the consequences of being a-holes!

      • Anonymous

        I accidentally black balled someone this way, called him out on Glassdoor for being slimey. He was unable to find work in our city and ultimately moved. Oh well

      • anon

        Does anyone use Glassdoor anymore? I feel like it’s the Yelp of employment. Probably once good, but now it’s just a place to go to complain or find sponsored content, but that’s about it. Am I wrong?

        • Anon

          I assume it’s for people with some kind of grudge and don’t take it seriously, but enjoy the entertainment nevertheless.

          • Anon

            This. You never know who is petty vs who is truthful and one anon voice isn’t worth a lot. People are lucky they don’t get sued for what the write sometimes.

          • Anon

            I thought that at my last job. Wow, what a bunch of grunge-holders. It can’t be THAT bad.

            It was.

        • Anon

          For me they both work the same way, in that a pattern of specific problems is probably realistic. A dozen complaints that women never get promotions or upper-level work–true. One complaint screaming in all caps that they’re all s3xist pigs–unhinged.

    • Allie

      Be polite and firm and just don’t engage – short bland answers, “interesting,” or “I’ll keep that in mind” or “thanks for the info/feedback” on repeat.

    • Anon

      So… I actually just walked out on my last day because my manager would not give me permission to leave. My resignation had been submitted 2+ weeks before; I transitioned everything over; IT had pulled my access; my exit interview was complete; and she twisted IT’s arm to get them to reinstate my access so that I could continue doing assignments for her. (Let’s not even talk about what a security threat it is.)

      Seven hours after I walked in the door on my last day, I filled out my time card, shut my computer off, and left without telling her. She was going to make me chase my tail until she went home and I was over it. It wasn’t the greatest thing I’ve done in my 20+ year corporate career.

      Treat this person the same way. You’re leaving. Don’t JADE. Submit your resignation, refuse the exit interview, and if you have to talk to them about stuff, set a time limit and walk out of her office. Close the Zoom.

  7. Anon

    just need a place to vent. i know the world is re-opened and that people are out and about, but i was recently invited to attend one conference, which i couldn’t attend for logistical reasons that had a proof of vaccination/negative test requirement + masks, but now i am being invited to another, also with thousands of people, with no proof of vaccination/negative test requirement or masks. i don’t have to go, so i am not going to, though it would probably be better if i could, but is it really that hard to follow public health measures. i am not suggesting people sit in their homes forever, or even that people get vaccinated if they don’t want to (though i’m very pro vaccine), but i hate how everyone is suddenly a self proclaimed ‘expert’ on public health.

    • Anon

      If it makes you feel better, an org in my industry just had a huge conference in Vegas a week or two ago. No one wore masks. And yep, people came down with COVID and the org had to send out notices to all the attendees, etc. The world shouldn’t be completely open yet and behaving as if it is is foolhardy.

  8. Anon

    My husband is turning 40 and the big fun thing we had planned is being postponed because of COVID. Now I’m looking to do a last minute weekend away.

    Nothing I can think of seems special or fun enough. We’ve done romantic weekends, we’ve done Boston/New York/Philly. I’m almost thinking of maybe the Jersey Shore? Is there somewhere quaint and classy (cape cod but a little warmer).

    Confounding is that I would kind of like to bring our kids who are little. Help! I have no ideas left! I had A Big Fun Thing and now… I am kind of struggling.

      • Anon

        We were going to do a big, fun party. Think over the top carnival style. A combo birthday slash meet the baby born March 2020 event for out of town friends.

        • Anon

          What about a version of this? Dinner at a restaurant, get a private room, only have vaccinated guests and have a party? Maybe not as big as you’d planned, but still something.

          • Anon

            So, I started trying to plan this out… but the issue is my husband’s brothers, one of whom ‘will eventually get vaccinated but probably had it anyway, so what’s the point?’ and the other of whom is married to a rabid anti vaxxer. So yeah. A party like this would cause a complete family rift – it would literally break my in-laws who absolutely hate that 2 of their kids are being dumb about this.

            Husband actually expressly said he didn’t want to do this.

          • Anon

            How about a handful of your closest friends? No family? I’m just such a fan of parties and the very best birthday celebrations have been dinners with our close friends. No need to even tell the brothers ….

      • Anon

        Ugh! Key info – I’m in upstate New York and willing to drive 8 hours… but also trying to avoid some daycare quarantine rules so looking to stay in the Northeast.

        • Anon

          Upstate NY is pretty big. Eight hours from the area right near Erie PA brings you to Louisville KY, Indianapolis IN, or Chicago. Eight hours from Syracuse brings you pretty deep into Canada (which apparently may allow entry/lack of quarantine if you’re fully vaccinated). Eight hours from Albany takes you all the way down to Charlottesville VA or up through Maine.

          • Anon

            Yep Canada lets in fully vaccinated Americans and their minor children now. You have to present a negative Covid test on entry, but no quarantine. I’m going next week!!

      • Anon

        That was going to be my suggestion too, how long are you going for? Honestly if it’s only for a weekend I’d do something closer to home bc I think 8 hours is a far drive. What about something like the Sagamore on Lake George? I know you said warmer, but VT/NH/CT/MA are so nice this time of year

      • Senior Attorney

        That was going to be my suggestion. Quebec City is great! Stay at the Fairmont Chateau Frontenac and pretend you’re in Paris.

        • Anon

          Op here – that was our exact baby moon and it was magical.

          Love Canada but it would trigger quarantine from daycare if we went.

    • Anon

      How soon are you going? Mid-coast Maine is usually nice through mid-late October, and it’s an amazing destination for kids.

  9. Anonymous

    Welp, three weeks into the school year and the calculus teacher has already tested positive for COVID. The school defines “exposure” as proximity of three feet or less and therefore isn’t quarantining the students, but the teacher is teaching via Zoom to a roomful of kids. This will go well. Oh, and the total number of new cases at the school is now growing exponentially. Can’t wait to see how this plays out.

    • Anon

      The virus comes in waves and recedes in waves. If your area is getting a late wave, it’s going to be a rough few weeks but then you’ll all be through it. I have also noticed that the places that didn’t get hit as hard in January’s big wave are getting crushed now, and those that got clobbered in January have a much smaller peak now.

  10. Anon

    My parents are watching my preschooler next week so I can accompany DH on a work trip to a really fun destination. I’m very grateful and want to show them how much we appreciate their help, but I’m not sure what I can do to thank them. They are more affluent than us and I know they won’t accept cash or anything cash-adjacent like a gift card. We give them a high quality photo album with pictures of them and their grandkid at the holidays. Any ideas for ways to say thanks? I don’t really have any ideas besides stocking the freezer with their favorite baked goods.

    • Anonymous

      Bring back local specialty foods. Blue Mountain coffee if you are going to Jamaica, Kona coffee from Hawaii, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I usually bring my parents something back from the trip that is a treat from where I went (baked goods, chocolate, local wine, etc.). Like you, they do not need or want to be paid, so I just bring them something to let them know I am thinking about them. And thank them profusely.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Have a nice dinner and bottle of wine delivered one night after bedtime.

    • Senior Attorney

      This is a good opportunity for the famous “heartfelt note.” Have your husband write a paragraph, too. I’m your parents’ age and I promise that’s what I’d love the most. (And a refrigerator magnet from the fun destination for my collection, but that’s probably just me.)

      • Anon

        +1 Don’t make this into a transaction where you have to give them something you think is of equal or proportional value. Just let them do something nice for you and express your gratitude!

        • Anon

          JFC that word is still sending comments to mod? That word should be white-listed, this is ridiculous.

        • Anon

          I’m not trying to give them something of equal value. A week of round-the-clock babysitting is probably at least $3k, if you can even find someone to do it. I’m certainly not spending that much on a gift for them! Just looking for a token of appreciation ($50-100 is good) I can give them. There will definitely be a heartfelt note and profuse verbal thanks as well.

    • Anon

      I’d order delivery for them one night and send a beautiful plant or flower arrangement and thoughtful note w drawing from kid after.

  11. anon

    I am feeling very underappreciated and taken for granted at work. Boss is absentee at best, and the post-COVID work environment is super weird. It doesn’t feel particularly healthy, and I know that I can’t expect validation from these people, who seem to think I’m some sort of work robot. I’ll also admit that sometimes I need some acknowledgement that what I do matters. Any thoughts on how I can keep myself from spiralling into negativity?

    I’m pretty over my industry in general, but for a variety of reasons, I’m sticking around for now.

    • Coach Laura

      I think if you have no external validation, then internal motivation is what you need.

      If you have to stay for stability or because a partner is unemployed or to vest 401K or stock options or can’t relocate, then those are the goals, the focus and your mantra. You will be unfulfilled but know that the benefits of staying outweigh the downside to leaving. It seems like your job won’t give you what you need so maybe nothing is possible there. Then turn your attention to things outside the job like: a new hobby, planning a trip to Europe or New Zealand or Hawaii in 2022, writing a novel for NaNoWriMo in November, a new workout goal like a marathon in the spring or a century shirt on your Peloton bike. Researching for a home remodel or a move to another city or learning to cook a desert for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And then there are things like a college course or self-study to learn a job-adjacent skill like project a management certification or a HR certification or an accounting certification. You could write a white paper or research article for your trade magazine if that would give you visibility for your next job search. Hopefully the time will fly by and you’ll be able to handle your job for that time.

      As far as being a robot, push back if what they’re asking is unworkable.

  12. Anonymous

    Is there anywhere fun and fancy and special for dinner in Stamford? Celebrating a 39th birthday.

  13. Maudie Atkinson

    To whomever mentioned the Iranian yogurt on this morning’s thread about the rock candy—I fell down a Reddit rabbit hole investigating what this could possibly mean, and now I am laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. Thank you.
    Also, OP with the rock candy, NTA.

    • Anon

      “He filled our fridge, bought a new fridge, and then another tiny bedside fridge (he said he didn’t want to walk to the fridge at night, but it was obviously a ruse to get more yogurt space).” GOLD.

      • Maudie Atkinson

        I don’t know that having more yogurt space and not wanting to walk to the fridge at night are mutually exclusive. This way he gets to enjoy the yogurt at night more easily! Except I am confused about how much yogurt he was eating as opposed to just collecting? Also—2100 yogurts is where she drew the line??

    • Anon 2.0

      I just searching this and it is pure GOLD! OMG! I saw it this morning and just brushed it off as something I didn’t get. Now.I.Get.It GLORIOUS

    • anon

      THE IRANIAN YOGURT IS NOT THE ISSUE.

      I’m howling. And oh man, I hope that Reddit poster left that particular boyfriend.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Thank you for bringing this up! I thought it must have been a weird autocorrect issue but had to look it up and now I’m simply delighted to dream about potentially contraband yogurt.

    • Anonymous

      That was me! I’m so glad it brought a chuckle to your day! AITA is definitely a guilty pleasure.

  14. Perimenopause Rage

    Why is this a thing? How do I cope with this? I’m having minor hot flashes at night but no other symptoms other than irrational rage at…nothing. Staying drunk or on benzos doesn’t seem like a good option, but good grief I need something.

    Already adjusted thyroid meds, upped my antidepressant, am working on reducing chronic pain, fixing everything I can fix but ugh. I already hate dealing with emotions and this is just so hostile and negative when my life really is okay.

    What has worked for you? Does it get better?

    • Anonymous

      It gets better. In the meantime, fish oil (get your doc to ok) and lots of walks to burn stress.

    • carrie

      I hear you, sister.

      I even posted here, as I mood instability was scary to me.

      All I can say is that it suddenly stopped. After a crazy couple months in a row of heavy bleeding (crazy…heavy) and poor sleep, everything slowed down.

      You are smart to adjust your thyroid/mood meds. Make sure you get enough sleep, as I seemed to need more, and getting outside (exercise/walking?) when I felt a rush of rage helped some

  15. Curious

    Late in the day, but MM LaFleur is advertising “office appropriate” cropped joggers, styled with a blazer. They have officially jumped the shark.

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