Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Poplin Pleated Skirt

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1. Anyone have a favorite foot cream? The bottoms of my feet and heels are all cracked and peeling. I could really use a pedicure but that isn’t in the cards for at least a month.

   1. My husband’s feet get really cracked and peel-y and gross. What he’s found works the best is this:

      -Aggressive exfoliation in the shower with regular use of a pedicure file (he actually stole mine!) afterwards
      -Coat your feet in straight coconut oil right when you get out of the shower and immediately put a pair of old cotton socks over them to sleep in

      1. Ohhh ive never heard of using coconut oil with socks – i’ll add this to my routine!

   2. Bag balm, like the kind you buy at tractor supply. Then put on thick socks. I might put a drop of lavender oil in it if I’m feeling frisky.

      Also gross, and not saying you’re gross, but make sure you don’t have an infection that’s causing the cracking and peeling as well. I thought my hands were just dry and it turns out I have eczema.

      1. Um, eczema is not an infection. It’s a chronic skin inflammation but it’s not caused by bacteria (although an infection can be a side effect if you scratch too much).
         -eczema sufferer

         1. I didn’t mean that eczema was an infection. I know this. But just saying it could be a medical issue beyond just dry skin.

   3. Vicks cream & socks. I buy the generic brand at Target.

   4. Gold Bond or AmLactin Ultra

   5. Aquaphor.

   6. I coat my heels in Vasoline and then immediately go to sleep in socks and that helps a little, but a pedicure is the best thing.

   7. Flexitol heel balm after scrubbing with a pumice stone.

   8. If you want to peel off the dead skin painlessly, there is a lotion out there that is usually called something like “Pretty Hands and Feet” or something and you rub it on your feet and you keep rubbing (with just your hands) and the top layer of dead skin comes off. Like an exfoliant except without the grit.

   9. Amope perfect pedi foot file. I haven’t paid for a pedicure since I got mine.

      1. Aaaaand I just bought this. Thanks for the recommendation.

      2. I have this too and love it. I still get regular pedicures, but my feet sweat a lot in general (yay!) and I work out a lot, so I use this in between pedis to help my heels. It works really well.

   10. I found O’Keefe’s to work well. (The hand cream does too.) I like to put it on at night or under socks.

   11. Foot logix. Pricey but worth it. Lasts forever.

   12. This is going to sound gross, but the ‘baby feet’ foot peels on amazon are amazing. You soak your feet, leave it on for an hour or so, and then soak your feet for a few minutes every few days after that. The dead skin just peels off in sheets, a lot like peeling elmer’s glue off your hands as a kid.

       1. I am so excited. I ordered Baby Feet yesterday after finding out about it.

       2. It’s insane. Bear in mind it takes a couple of days to work. And don’t be like me and go to yoga during the most peel-y day — it’s pretty dramatic during the worst few hours.

       3. Ahhhhh I totally can’t wait to do this. I am that crazy person who wants to go to the pond where the fish eat dead skin off your feet. This sounds amazing.

          1. I did this in Greece and it was cool but when I got home I found out it’s pretty unhygienic and has even been linked to HIV and Hepatitis transmission. Never again!!

             1. There is no way to sterilize the fish, and their little mouths can spread infections! Please do not do these!

             2. Yikes! Good to know! I’ll stick to the foot peel.

       4. Wow so many suggestions! This one sounds right up my alley. I’m making notes of everything though so I can find something that works. Thanks all!

       5. I have always had rough feet, and the baby foot peel didn’t do much for me. It worked at first, but the results were short-lived. I’m the sort of person whose feet look bad about two weeks after a pedicure, and I think the baby foot peel lasted about that same amount of time. Also if you have an event to go to make sure you give yourself plenty of time for the peeling to take place so you don’t have gross pieces of skin peeling off everywhere.

   13. I use Cerave moisturizing cream, but I know they also have a foot cream. My dermatologist (and all my friends’ dermatologists) swears by Cerave products.

   14. Got the recommendation on here, I think, but I swear by Amlactin. And I have super dry/cracked feet.

2. I’m looking for destinations for an international vacation over Christmas/new year’s. Not terribly far away, so nothing in Asia or western/sub-Saharan Africa, and preferably a place where one can travel on a limited budget, although the budget requirement is fairly flexible. I want to be able to see things and do things, so I’d rather not go somewhere where we would just lay on the beach for two weeks. Ideas?

   1. Where are you departing from?

      1. Oh, right. Duh. I’m departing from the east coast of the US and my travel buddy is leaving from the west coast. A bit of distance is fine, but nothing that’s majorly far for both of us, like India or South Africa or something.

   2. Winter is ideal for South America since it will be summertime there, and although the flight isn’t short, you’re at least not jet lagged as much as Europe. Are Brazil/Chile/Argentina on your list?

      1. We went to Chile last year for Christmas and New Years. The weather was perfect – a little warm most days, but cooled down at night. Valparaiso (on the coast just an hour or so from Chile) is known for having a massive NYE celebration. We were able to do city sightseeing, get into the mountains, and visit the coast, all in about 10 days. Highly recommend.

   3. Maybe Australia or NZ? although the flights are long and they are expensive.

   4. Germany is nice around Christmas time, if you’re up to the cold and distance. Great NYE celebrations and Christmas markets. Otherwise I’d look into Central America – maybe Costa Rica.

      1. Actually, Germany is great right up until Christmas. Literally the day after Christmas all of the markets shut down and everyone goes on vacation/doesn’t work until after New Years. You can still do stuff in bigger cities, but we stayed in some smaller towns a few days after Christmas and they were soooo dead.

         1. In cities, many of the markets are open through New Years. Definitely go to a city vs a small town.

            1. Both of the large/medium-sized cities that we went to were in the process of dismantling their markets when we went between Xmas and NYE. Some sections were still open, but it’s nowhere near the Christmasy extravaganza that you see before Christmas. Of course, the cities were still lovely to see on their own, but it was kind of a bummer. Like arriving just as a party is wrapping up.

            2. I have been to Berlin and Hamburg during that time and there were still markets going on in those cities. I think they cater to the people coming in for New Year’s. I don’t know, I liked it.

            3. Having lived in Germany and traveled around this time of year: you’re both correct. The majority of markets start shutting down, but a few central ones (or sometimes just one) in major cities stay open until just after New Year’s. The markets are really at their height in early-mid December (first and second week), though.

               I enjoyed traveling but found the holidays themselves pretty dead. I scheduled travel days on holidays to minimize this (and get cheaper rates). You could also schedule things like drives (such as the Romantic Road) that don’t involve other people/locals so much on the holidays themselves.

   5. Belize!

   6. Colombia.

   7. Costa Rica! Costa Rica is the perfect tourism destination and has everything. If you need something more affordable or are more adventurous, Nicaragua.

   8. We went to Austria for Christmas/New Years one year, and it remains one of my favorite trips ever. Specifically Salzburg and Innsbruck (bonus, the skiing is fantastic if you’re into that).

   9. Peru. It is not a very long flight and the exchange rate is great for Americans.

   10. Iceland !

   11. VENEZUELA! It’s the very top of south america so the flight is short, the beaches are beautiful, plus forest adventures, and glorious food. It’s one of my favourite places.

       1. Have you been watching the news? Not a good time to be in Venezuela.

          1. I have, if you actually look at crime statistics it’s really not that dangerous. Media sensation vs cold hard facts.

             1. It’s not about crime. It’s about the country undergoing a massive crisis limited food, supplies, and medicine for its population. Not exactly “fun” tourism time.

       2. You might have trouble finding something to eat in Venezuela

3. Fun question inspired by the deep discount on the skirt in this post – what’s the best deal/steal you’ve gotten?

   Mine is a sparkly black Marchesa c*cktail dress at last call down from $900-something to about $90. It was several years ago and I still love it. It was on bottom bottom clearance because it had this little snag in the fabric.

   1. In college, I bought a pair of fuchsia Lilly Pulitzer driving moccasins at TJMaxx for under $20. They were super comfy and I wore them for ages. I wish I could find something similar but everything seems to have hard soles / too high in the back.

   2. A pair of red Jimmy Choos that I found for around $100 (maybe less?), wore for about 6-8 years, then sold on eBay for more than I paid for them.

      1. My friend once found a pair of Jimmy Choos at Nordstrom Rack in her (and my) size for under $100 — and didn’t buy them! I’ve never let her live that down :P

         1. Noooooooooo!

            1. A pair of bronze jeweled Jimmy Choos, very movie star red carpet shoes, for $70. Like lsw, I imagine someday I’ll resell them for more than I paid.

   3. A pair of Louboutins from Goodwill for $20. I was in college and it was the best moment ever (yes, they were authenticated)

      1. A gray cashmere/camel hair wool coat from Black Label Ralph Lauren – thrift store for…$60, I think. Bracelet sleeves, standing collar, calf length – I just wish I had more opportunities to wear the thing.

   4. Strapless black matte ankle-length sheath Claude Montana dress with slit originally priced at $1,174, but bought for $75 at Filene’s Basement about 20 years ago. I wore it over and over again to black tie parties and black tie weddings in my twenties until I couldn’t fit it anymore. Then my mother wore it to my brother’s black tie wedding in the fall of 2007.

      Still beautiful and classic. I think my nieces will be able to wear it soon

   5. I love this question! Probably a dress + blazer Theory suit for about $160. Just had to have the sleeves shortened a little; it otherwise fit perfectly off the rack. I think I got it off of the clearance rack at the flagship Macy’s in Chicago (which has a lot more designer stuff than the average Macy’s) and there was some typical crazy promotion that brought the price down further.

   6. I bought a pair of classic Prada pumps in a gorgeous sky blue saffiano leather for about $150 a few years ago. I’ve worn them so much as a little pop of color with black and white in the summer.

   7. Ooh, fun question. Tommy Hilfiger briefly had a flagship store across from my office that stocked the “H” line, and had massive, massive friends and family sales that you could combine with existing discounts. I got an amazing long black princess wool coat, a twill blazer, and 2 cashmere sweaters once for $200.
      My mother also raised me on Loehmann’s scouting trips in HS, I think my favorite finds were paper denim and cloth jeans for $20 (retail about $250) and a gorgeous gold oscar de la renta cocktail dress from the back room marked down to $80!

   8. A large Fendi patchwork hobo that was over $3K originally marked down to $675. I died and went to purse heaven that day…

   9. My wedding dress! It’s a Tadashi Shoji evening gown and I found it at the Rack. Retailed for $688, it was marked $249 and rang up for $134. Score!!

   10. An adorable floral silk Rebecca Taylor dress that was on sale for $80 at Bloomie’s. The original retail price was $300+, I believe. I bought it on impulse because I loved it and it was such a good deal; I ended up wearing it to my bridal shower 3 years later (and multiple times before then).

   11. A khaki skirt from Ann Taylor for 40 cents. I bought it with a bunch of other stuff on sale, and thought the total seemed low, but it was one of those days when there were sales upon sales. I got home later and checked the receipt and instead of putting in that it was 40% off, the sales clerk typed the price as .40.

   12. $2.99 never worn Ferragamo loafers at goodwill.

   13. Ann Taylor suit dress for $9

   14. In this theme, I went on 6pm , selected my shoe size and sorted the entire list by percentage off. There are some amazing steals out there.

4. A simple skirt for 900? No wonder it’s “marked down” so much. It’s the classic advertising approach of offering a deep discount on something that was absurdly overpriced to begin with so you feel like you’re getting a deal.

   1. +900
      -80%
      +174

   2. The “compare to” price is fake. I think the real price is $350, which is still too much for me, but not as out of bounds as $900.

   3. It’s also cotton, so those pleats will be hard to maintain and the back is wrinkle like crazy if there is a lot of sitting.

   4. Like the entire Khol’s store … my fiancé is still convinced that he gets such great deals …

   5. This is a dress that ONLY Ellen Barshefsky would consider a bargain! Of course, her law firm will be paying for it, so what the hey! BTW, what happened to her? I do not see her comments any more. Has she found a new man or a new job, or both? Personally, I miss reading her posts, and hope she will return soon. If anyone else has any insight, please share!

5. Do you guys have any fashion blog recommendations?? Preferably ones that focus on buying stylish quality items. I recently discovered ‘les anti modernes” and love it! But she rarely updates. And I also enjoy Cap Hill Style. Those are the only two blogs that are not so blatantly sponsored ( *cough Extra Petite cough*) and losing substance. I also like Sincerely Jules for more casual wear but I haven’t seen a non-sponsored post in months – maybe even a year.

   I’m entering my mid 20s and want to create a wardrobe with fewer, better quality items, while still being stylish (its a mix between polished modern and unique bohemian pieces from anthropologie).

   Any recs?

   1. nine-thirty to five

      outfit posts

      Beaute’ j’adore makes her own unbelievable clothes, including some business stuff. Great for inspiration.

      1. I can’t believe this woman makes all of these clothes! Beautiful and inspiring. Wow.

   2. I’m enjoying the Directrice — she has an interesting eye. Not all her pieces are for me, but I like her willingness to experiment with office-appropriate (she’s a partner in DC).

      1. I agree. I really enjoy her… personality, I guess.

         Her attention to detail in her pieces is very good.

   3. Blue Collar Red Lipstick
      Outfit Posts

   4. If you don’t need professional clothing, Cupcakes and Cashmere might work. Even her “professional clothing” posts wouldn’t work in most offices, though.

      1. She is so smug, I do not like her.

         1. +1 million. Can’t stand her.

         2. +10 million. She’s the worst. Vapid, smug and stupid. And a bad dresser to boot.

      2. cosign.

   5. Blogs are having a hard time monetizing with just advertising anymore so are doing more and more sponsored posts. I agree that it’s harder to trust a review from a blog when so much content is sponsored. But on the other hand, I’m not about to undertake the amount of work it takes to run a decent blog with good, detailed reviews and photos for no compensation, so I don’t blame anyone else for trying to get paid either. I think it’s back to word of mouth for me for actual reviews and blogs only for style inspiration.

   6. I like Wendy’s Lookbook. She does have a lot of sponsors, but she’s very up front about it and her sense of style is fantastic. She mixes a lot of high-end and mass market pieces as well.

   7. I love my google reader. Here are my favorites:

      Girls of a Certain Age – Kim France’s blog, she was the original editor of Lucky and has a great voice and sense of style

      Mom Edit – now kinda hate read it but there are some good posts once in a while

      Gretchen’s closet – really like her style and it’s close to LAM

      Res Pulchrae – style close to LAM, has a good instagram account she updates more

      Looks good from behind – fun blog with real clothes

      franish – same

      no fear of fashion – very stylish 50 something woman in the Netherlands

      professionally petite – probably the closest i’ve ever found to a true work style blog. she is a lawyer in s. florida so its basically just suits that she wears to court, etc. She’s very petite but in no way obnoxious about it, nor is it really a huge focus of the blog

      un-fancy – a little too into religion/counting your blessings type posts for my preference these days but lots of good posts about putting together outfits and a casual closet with clothes that are wearable.

      blue collar red lipstick – another lawyer, this time in canada. her style is not mine but it is genuinely office wear. she seems like someone i’d want to be friends with in real life.

      1. this could basically be my rss feed!

6. I’ve been realigned? Kind of demoted? I got moved up to Project Manager. However, at this role I was still basically under the wing of a consultant and only actually had 1 small project to manage. I was a PM for over a year with 1 project to my name. When the consultant left as busy season began, I got her project… that was 100x that & 5+ months. I have mishandled it. I have been… realigned back to previous title. PM salary still, thank goodness.

   What are my next steps, besides get off this page and work my tail off? How do I note this either on my resumee or my LinkedIn profile? How do I explain this in my next job interview? For a broader question… are there stories like this that end happily-ever-after? I’m not sure what that might look like in this case? Thoughts, as a manager or as someone who’s been there?

   1. How exactly did you mishandle it? Was it too much too soon? Was it beyond your abilities? Did the consultant pass along all vital information? Was everything going perfectly under the consultant and then you messed it all up? Or were things already going south and you put the final nail in the coffin?
      I think the answers to all of these questions would affect how you take this and also how you handle it in the future.

      1. give yourself some time to heal. Then try to analyze the factors leading towards disaster (anon’s questions can help you there). Then have a meeting with the consultant, your manager or ideally, a mentor.
         “I messed up that project and want to learn from this. I identified reasons x, y and z and consequently, I want to work on improving my communication/how I document procedures/whatever. I would like to hear your take on things and suggestions that you might have.”
         There is probably a mixture of reasons this went bad, not all of them are within your power to change. But for now, focus on what is in your control.
         Be ready to hear what they say. My first reaction to criticism is usually wanting to push back. I try to “not react in the moment” but just listen, then a whole while later I can look at the critique again and try to see their side and turn it into helpful advice.

7. Ladies, we live in a hot country and will be skiing in Dec (Alps) for the first time. I am very confused on ski gear. Planning to buy now as a lot of it is on sale.

   Here is what I think we will need, please help/ advise me.

   Base layers: UA, Helly Hansen, Patagonia, north face or similar. Has anyone used Columbia or Burton or other brands? They are cheaper but I’ve never heard of them.

   Fleece layers: lands end or Patagonia

   Ski jackets: lands end for kids, adults….see above brands

   When not skiing, I assume we will still wear the above on top.

   Bottoms:

   When skiing, base layers plus ski pants

   When not skiing, base layers as above plus fleece pants.

   Also, ski socks, waterproof gloves (mittens for kids), hats and snow boots (any brand recommendation for kids and adults? I’ve heard of Sorels, not sure about others)

   Am trying to balance quality and cost as best I can. No point skimping only to be cold and miserable on the slopes.

   Please help!

   1. Burton is a big snowboarding brand and Columbia is a very well-known cold weather brand. I have used both and recommend both.

      1. Oh and for socks I highly recommend smartwool socks. You don’t need to get anything branded a “ski sock” – I don’t even know what that would be besides a wool sock. Smartwool will keep you warm and also wick sweat – and yes, you will probably sweat on the slopes even though it’s cold!

         One final note is that I also like silk/combo synthetic glove liners. I think I got mine from Lands’ End. I have Reynaud’s and wet + cold is really bad for my extremities.

         Enjoy your trip!

         1. Also consider “Darn Tough” socks. I feel them more comfortable than Smart Wool socks and have generally had more luck with them over long term.

            Make sure that the ski resort you visit will rent you a helmet; if not, buy one and bring it with you. They are bulky but crucial for safety. I live in a skiing state and when we go to the mountain we can more or less tell who the locals are and who the non-locals are — only non-locals will ski without a helmet. As an adult beginner, I’ve had some pretty hard falls and whacked my head pretty significantly — but walked away just fine because of my helmet.

         2. Ski socks are generally knee-high, so they go up past the top of your ski boot and don’t leave an uncomfortable line, and sometimes have slightly thicker padding on the foot and shin for additional comfort. Smartwool socks are great. Good socks will be worth it! Also dry socks to put on after you get done skiing are lovely.

            For under layers I don’t think brand matters too much. Patagonia is really nice but to me only worth it if you will be wearing it often over a whole winter, or want it to last many years. When not skiing fleece pants are fine but if you go out for dinners or anything I think people would be wearing slightly nicer pants, maybe jeans? You’d be fine wearing tights or thin leggings and regular jeans. (Or even just jeans if you have boots and a warm coat)

   2. Make sure you have extra socks and extra waterproof mittens for the kids. My kid’s mittens get soaked halfway through the day no matter what brand of “waterproof” ones we buy. Make sure the ski jackets and pants are waterproof or at least highly water-resistant. I prefer synthetic socks to smartwool, but my kid and I are both allergic to wool. My family likes fleece neck gaiters, which can be pulled up over the face if it gets cold on the lift. Also purchase or rent ski helmets, which many ski schools require for the kids but are a good idea for adults as well. Helmet-compatible goggles are a must unless it is warm, when you can sometimes get away with sunglasses.

   3. For base layers, hot chilis work well for me (but are pricey). You can probably find silks on sale at Burton, Patagonia, EMS, or REI this time of year too. Amazon had great prices on kids base layers, we got my son’s their this past winter. The kids sorrels are great, really waterproof and sturdy. I’d highly recommend ‘turtle fur’ scarves (really more of a baclava) for kids and adults. Also make sure you have goggles for kids/adults.
      If they ship to you, we got great deals on ski pants/coats at Boden – especially this time of year. They run a bit big, but that was fine for my son, and the quality was as good or better than LL Bean.

      If you already have workout clothes btw, I found Lululemon type workout tops work fine for me under a long-sleeved base layer (I usually do workout bra, wicking tank, long sleeve top as my layers, and then a ski jacket on top of that).

      1. +1 on workout clothes as a base layer. I wear a long-sleeved workout top as a base layer under a fleece. I often use workout leggings as my base layer. If it’s really cold I will wear fleece tights (fleece workout tights, not the kind often discussed on this site).

         For the kids, I would not buy anything now that you won’t be able to return several months from now, except accessories such as gloves, hats, and goggles that are not likely to be outgrown. For kids’ base layers, Old Navy and Target’s C9 brand usually have some decent-quality and inexpensive insulated leggings and tops in the winter.

         1. Why don’ t you buy in Germany? Aldi Tchibo have cheap skiing gear and C und A is not that expensive

            1. But you can’t guarantee that they’ll have what you need when you need it. Signed, someone who always finds out about great Tchibo offers a week after they were in store…

   4. If you’re in a warm climate, this may not work for you, but I’ve found a lot of ski clothes at TJMaxx. I ski in the Northeast, which can get very cold. I wear a Land’s End jacket (actually I just wear one of their super warm puffer coats as my jacket) and Land’s End fleece. Underneath I wear a long-sleeved workout top that’s lined in fleeece. I usually just wear yoga pants or leggings under my ski pants. I’m not sure brand names matter as much…

      The more important gear is socks, goggles, gloves, helmets, and neckwarmers… I do wear smartwool socks like some of the posters above. If you wear glasses or want to wear sunglasses, make sure to get goggles that fit them. And a neckwarmer is key for keeping your neck and lower face warm…

      1. Thanks, all.

         And what do you wear when not skiing?

         Base layers plus fleece layer plus ski jacket? Or something else?
         What about pants when not skiing? Do you just wear base layers plus fleece pants/tights?

         We are able to get US shipping to a close relative who is visiting us this summer.

         1. I pretty much wear my base layers + a dry fleece or sweater when not skiing. H always changes into jeans as he doesn’t like wearing tights out. Kids wear base layers + a fleece, too. All wear waterproof boots (not uggs in my book unless just hanging out inside).

         2. What are you going to be doing when not skiing? When I go on ski vacations, I spend 90% of my waking time on the mountain. I usually go to the bar/restaurant straight from the slopes, so I’m still in my gear for that. A fleece is probably fine when you’re not actually skiing — your jacket is more to keep the snow and wind off of you than for warmth, unless it’s a really cold day.

            If I’m going to dinner or something in town after having already showered and cleaned up, normal winter clothes: sweater or fleece, plus jeans and boots.

            If you’re playing in the snow with your kids on non-ski days, I’d still wear all the snow stuff. I wear my snowboarding gear to play in the snow with my kids at home, just because it’s nice to stay dry. :)

         3. When you’re not skiing, you’ll probably be pretty tired and/or just looking to get warm and relax. We usually just stay in the house. My sister rents a ski house.

            We curl up and eat cozy meals and drink so I’m usually just wearing my base layers. If we go out, I put on jeans. Sometimes we go sledding, so then it’s the same ski clothes. At lunchtime, we go to the lodge at the base of the mountain so ski clothes again…

            Ski areas tend to be very casual. You’re going to be quite tired after being on the mountain all day. If you’re in lessons, you’ll want to curl up with your family in the house and recap the day. When I’m up skiing with my family, we’re all in different places. In the evening, we’re tired and we come together to hang out.

            If you go out, restaurants are casual, but warm. You can wear jeans and a sweater, plus regular snowboots and your ski jacket.

            1. And it’s usually only really cold at the top of the mountain or if you’re going to be sledding or playing in the snow all day so you don’t need to wear full ski clothes to go to the market or out to dinner or to do any regular errands…

   5. It so much depends on the weather.. I’d almost recommend buying a minimum of stuff now and then waiting to see what the conditions will be to finish things off. If you have a beautiful sunny day, you could get away with a fleece over your base layer; if it’s windy, you’ll want something as wind-proof as possible, along with a mask, neck gaiter, and really warm hat; If it’s wet, you definitely want purpose-built clothing designed to keep you dry. If the snow is powdery, you want a “skirt” on your coat to keep it from flying up your back, but this isn’t a big deal in other conditions. Many coats have a removable one. Goggles are an absolute necessity, make sure they are comfortable and get ones that are tinted to work in most sun conditions (some have interchangeable lenses for bright sun vs cloudy days). If you plan on buying a helmet, make sure you try the goggles and helmet together.

      For a week long trip, I usually pack a couple different coats (one with a removable liner so I have the option for extra warmth) and pants (one fleece-lined, again, in case it’s really cold). Options + drying time if I’m out every day.

      I have Columbia and Burton coats and pants and there’s nothing wrong with them. Burton is a huge brand for snowboarders, and focuses on style as much as function. I don’t have Patagonia or Arcteryx or any of the more expensive performance brands, so I couldn’t compare side-by-side. My husband has an Arcteryx coat, though, and it’s the warmest thing ever.

      Your base layers are important, but the brand really isn’t. I have some cheap old longjohns I was issued in the military, and they are just as good as the nicer stuff I’ve bought myself. As long as it’s warm and moisture-wicking, you’re fine. Splurge on socks. I will say that again: splurge on socks. Do not try to save money on your feet, bad socks will ruin your day faster than anything. Definitely have multiple pair of waterproof gloves and mittens for kids and yourself. You want a pair of mittens for yourself, too, just as an option — they are so, so much warmer than gloves. I’m not sure whether you mean it’s your first time skiing or just your first time in the Alps, but if you are a beginner, your hands and legs/butt will be in the snow a lot — you don’t want them to get wet or cold.

      I would go to your local ski or outdoor store and ask questions. Even in a hot country, there must be someone on staff who is knowledgeable. Try things on and see what’s comfortable. Sit or lie on the floor and stand up, make sure you have good range of motion.

      1. Agree with all of this – esp. that the brand of base layer isn’t important, it’s the wicking nature. My fav ski top this past winter was a C9 long sleeve running top from Target. If you are super cold natured and really want the best, my rec would be the wool long johns from Patagonia though.

         Definitely get good socks. I like the Smart Wool or Darn Tough that are specifically for skiing. I know several people with wool sensitivities though. If that’s you, Thor-Lo ski socks are decent (not quite as warm, but better than being itchy).

         The brands you list range from decent to great. Columbia is pretty low level (esp. the fleece), so I’d definitely want it on sale. A lot of sites – 6pm, REI outlet, Sierra Trading Post – have good sales this time of year on ski apparel since it’s the off season in the US. Other brands to consider are Mammut or Marmot. REI branded apparel is good too.

   6. Under Armour all the way for baselayer. And anything from their ColdGear Infrared line. It radiates heat back to your body the way a thermos keeps things warm. Game changer.

   7. Sierra Trading Post is a great place to get ski clothes for a good price. I am very mixed on skiing because I hate to be cold. I have found that hand warmers and mittens keep me much warmer. I haven’t had a lot of success with the foot warmers, as they always seem to shift in my boots.

   8. I used to live in the mountains and ski every weekend so I’m kind of opinionated on this. Don’t get suckered in to the super expensive brands thinking they are better.

      Base Layers – When I was skiing a lot, I was on a very limited budget so I tried to buy base layers that could also double as running clothes in the winter. Even though I make more now, I still adhere to this strategy. If you have tight capri yoga pants that are not cotton, those work well. The socks should reach above where the pants end. Any sort of non cotton workout longsleeve shirt is good too. I personally am satisfied with Old Navy activewear. I also like Zella. Some people swear by Lululemon, and others like the more traditional brands like Nike and Under Armour.

      Pants – You really need to try them on to see what fits you best. Places like Sports Authority and REI can have some options but if there is a specialty ski shop near where you live, that’s your best bet. And the employees should be able to help. You might be able to find the same pants cheaper online at Backcountry Outlet or Steep and Cheap. Mine happen to be Spyder and I tried on at least 10 pairs.

      Jackets – See above. Try them on to find a brand that fits you. I personally get cold really easily so I like having more than just a shell. My jacket has insulation and I can add layers underneath if it is really cold. I also recommend looking for a jacket with “pit zips” so you can unzip under the arm if it gets too hot. I personally do not like hoods on my ski jackets so I always look for a removeable hood or no hood. One of my good friends, however, thinks ski jackets look weird without hoods. To each their own. I have an Obermeyer jacket from a few years ago. It was not super pricy (not like Northface, Arcterix, Patagonia, etc) and I have had it for quite awhile. I’m eyeing something new simply for a change as it is not really worn out at all.

      Other layers – One base layer and a jacket might not be enough. I also recommend some sort of fleece jacket and/or vest you can wear under your ski jacket if it is cold. I have a couple of Northface fleece pullovers that work well and an old fleece vest that is the REI brand.

      Socks – Personally, I HATE wool. It is super itchy on my skin, even Smartwool which is not supposed to be itchy. Can’t even do cashmere. The only sock brand that works for me is Thorlo. It is harder to find non wool ski socks so if you can tolerate it, go for it. They might even be a bit warmer.

      Other – I like having a fleece neck gaiter, but like I said, I get cold easily. (Why do I do this sport?) You’ll also need gloves or mittens (I have mittens, duh), goggles, which you’ll want to try on. As far as hats go, I’d highly recommend wearing a helmet. If you don’t want to buy one, and they can be pricey, most ski shops rent them so you can check at your destination. For reference, I wear Smith googles and Dakine mittens.

      Apres Ski – Like someone else posted, it depends if it is going to be cold and snowy. Honestly, I didn’t even take snow boots with me on my trip this year and didn’t feel the need. Sorels are good though. If still lived in the mountains, I’d probably get some. Some people really like Uggs, and I’m sure they are very comfortable and cozy, but I don’t think they have great traction for walking on snow and ice. You might want a thinner pair of gloves (rather than bulky ski gloves). Also a hat. As some one else mentioned, ski areas are pretty casual and you can probably get away with wearing jeans and a sweater after hitting the slopes. Or if you’re staying in, fleece pants do sound comfy. To save packing space, I just wear my ski jacket around, rather than also bringing a non ski jacket.

      A word about fleece – I have noticed that cheap fleece does not hold up well. I would definitely recommend splurging on good fleece from a well-known brand (Northface, patagonia, even REI brand, etc) and skip the Old Navy, Gap, Target fleece (well, that might be good for the kids who will grow out of it).

      Ok, now that I’ve written a novel I’ll go. Oh, and pretty much everything I’ve said works for kids as well. You might not need to buy them as nice of stuff since they will grow out of it.

   9. Don’t forget about ski goggles. You can buy ski gear at a discount at sierra trading post. REI also has an outlet online. Agree with others that any wicking workout wear can be worn as a base layer and will be cheaper. It will also be easier to wear it solo.

   10. Good advice from others, but want to add that there are fewer choices for the littles. I have been extremely happy with REI and Patagonia outdoors gear for my kids. I would skip Columbia for all ages, personally.

       I use a waterproof raincoat as an outer layer on top, with a million adjustable layers underneath. At the coldest, I usually have: long underwear top, fleece vest, thin fleece, down coat, outer layer. I like that’s easily adjustable and I can use the outer layer year-round as a raincoat. This might be of more use to you than a heavy ski coat you only wear while skiing.

       Darn Tough and Smartwool are both great socks and I find that having the ski-specific socks make a big difference in my comfort level.

   11. You can also check online at the specific resort you will be visiting. In British Columbia many ski hills (even the local ones) rent out snow pants and jackets. They are not warm but they will keep you dry. If this is a one time trip, that would be a better way to go than buying so many items. All the hills here also rent helmets, and the actual ski gear (boots, poles, skis or snowboard). Most do not rent goggles or gloves but will happily sell you some. I agree with many others that many running or yoga clothes work as base layers, wool socks if you can tolerate, and also a thin wool/smart wool long sleeve work well. Waterproof gear will not be as necessary in the Alps but cold may be more of a concern. Here’s what I wear for wet-coast skiing (warmer and wetter than say Colorado or Alps): running leggings, ski socks (wool, padded shins), running tank top, smart wool half-zip hoody (thin), cheap no-name ski pants (not super waterproof), a Helly Hanson jacket that has knit arms and down chest area with built in neck-gator that can be put up or down, a goretex ski/hiking jacket, thin wool hat under my helmet, ski gloves (mittens are warmer). This is more than warm enough from -5 to +5C (at +5 I definitely sweat), but I overheat easily. Can be chilly on lifts. I bring an extra down ‘sweater’ (search patagonia or REI, they usually stuff into their own pocket so very small and light) but almost never actually wear it. As others have mentioned, layers are key. Most places have lockers you can leave extra gear in if you decide not to use it.

8. This is a weird and minor decorating issue but I feel like this is the perfect place for it. I have a new office with a large wooden bookcase. It’s great but… what on earth do I put on it? I’m moved from practicing law to writing/editing for a nonprofit association, so no law books are now necessary. Mostly, every publication I work on is solely in electronic form. I have a handful of style books, the few printed publications we do produce, framed pictures and… absolutely nothing else.

   It’s looking depressingly sparse! Anything that would take up space and still be professional in a world that is increasingly electronic? Thanks, ladies!

   1. Maybe a few small pots of succulents on the top shelf?

      1. Oh that’s a great idea. I kill plants but succulents usually can survive my murderous streak!

   2. Plants!

   3. I’d still put law books for decoration and gravitas.

      1. And so you don’t have to keep them in your house.

         1. Good idea, they’d certainly take up a lot of space!

      2. +2.
         And add any books on style and writing if you have them. I find it handy to have hard copies of books on brief writing, style manuals, etc.
         You might also consider putting boxes on the shelf and then using the boxes to hide stuff that looks unprofessional but totally useful in an office — my tea, emergency packaged food, and chocolate collection, for example.

   4. Plants (a philodendron spilling out from a high shelf?), photos/pictures (consider propping larger pieces against the back “wall” of the bookshelf), cute coffee mugs, well-organized office supplies (store them in neutral-colored fabric boxes?)

      1. Oh I like the idea of neutral colored boxes! Thanks for these! A giant philodendron would help get the job done.

   5. Are you me? I’m also an editor at a not-for-profit association. I have a handful of photos in matchy-ish frames (past work team photo, vacation photo, etc.–nothing too personal.) I filled the rest of the space with boxes in a grayish color with leather handles from the Container Store. Most of the boxes are indeed empty, but I plan to fill with the once-in-a-blue moon hard copy of projects. In the meantime, some are used to fill receipt records (travel, healthcare, etc. reimbursement). In one I stash medicine, hand wipes, etc. I know it’s a little odd. But at least there’s something there so it doesn’t feel so bare.

      1. In DC but otherwise maybe we’re professional soulmates! :)

         I really like the idea of boxes for random items since I’m short on drawer space. No one needs to know that inside of them chaos reigns! Matching frames for photos is a good idea too. Thanks!

   6. Depending on how deep the shelves are and how much storage you have otherwise, some pretty file boxes or wicker baskets on the lower shelves to hold clutter you wouldn’t otherwise want out? If you get ones with lids you could put totally random things in there like your spare shoes or your shelf-stable lunch food.

      A decorative clock? Antique books from a secondhand store stacked in an attractive pile?

      1. These are all great– I wouldn’t have thought of a clock or books but that’s a wonderful suggestion and an excuse to shop some cute antique stores.

         1. Can’t go wrong with a globe

   7. How ’bout some cool or vintage books about writing? Bird by Bird, Roget’s Thesaurus, Elements of Style, a Dictionary, etc.

   8. My bookcase is full of plastic binders from old CLEs and such. Don’t be like me.

9. What’s the “it” dating website in the DC area?

   I’m 34, divorced, fully healed and therapied haha, and very much looking for something serious and marriage.

   Everyone I know my age is married; my mid-20s coworkers are on tinder, hinge, and bumble. What should I be on?

   1. Try bumble!

   2. Online dating in DC makes me want to stick something in my eye.

      OKC, Bumble, Tinder. I’m in that mid-20’s range though. my 30-something friend found her now-fiance on tinder, though!

   3. Like dating “in real life”, the apps are a crapshoot – I did notice that bumble had a lot of frat bros that all looked alike in my opinion (im in my mid-20s though so if youre searching for 30+, which im not, you might have better/different options). I used tinder a lot the past years but none of the guys i met on there were ready for a relationship so I’m taking a break and trying to meet more guys in real life….maybe im not the best to be answering this

   4. I’m 30 and was online/app dating in arlington til very recently and hinge made me want to stick my head in the ground like an ostrich. bumble and hinge are both basically full of frattastic fratboys from uva who all migrated north. I kid but if you want to really do an app (which I get bc it’s so much less work than traditional online stuff) my order of preference is: coffee meets bagel (more serious and relationship-y in my experience), tinder, bumble and hinge. Just swipe past all tinder people who have no description or their snapchat posted. I actually liked match dot com although I did not like paying and I met a few okay guys on okcupid. But once again, those are waaay more work than just using an app. I’m three months into dating someone I met on coffee meets bagel and had a good experience with that process.

10. I bought the Kate Spade “Orchard Street – Small Hemsley” crossbody bag during Nordstrom triple points because I wanted a smaller bag for when I don’t need to lug my larger tote (and I was completely charmed by the picture in the catalog for some reason). I LOVE the way it looks, but it is really small. I can’t fit my wallet (which is a long style), prescription sunglasses case, and cell phone all in there comfortably. Is it insane to keep it? Should I just find something slightly bigger? I could use a smaller wallet, though I’m not the type of person who changes wallets or purses often, so I feel like I might just be lazy and then never use it. Normally I would just return something like this that doesn’t exactly fit my needs, but I just am really charmed by the shape, color (navy blue), and size. I don’t own many purses so it seems like a big splurge to pay full price for a bag I won’t use everyday…BUT IT’S SO CUTE. Talk me off this ledge.

    1. When Lovely Fiance brought me a beautiful-but-slightly-too-small purse from Italy last summer, I bit the bullet and bought a smaller wallet, and it has been great! Fits in the small purse and frees up a lot of room in my bigger one, too! Plus it was super inexpensive, fits all my cards and money, and has lasted for a year and still going strong: http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Leather-Wallet-Useful-Wallets/dp/B00PTDD0IC?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage

    2. Return it. Purses should be perfect.

       1. I agree but second Senior Attorney’s wallet suggestion, I have the same one and love it.

       2. Agreed. Sounds like it’s not really what you want and you should return it.

          1. I think I might return it, try a few more bags (some good ones on the Rack right now) but STILL buy that smaller wallet. When I use a smaller clutch/crossbody for going out I always take out the cards I need and put them in the purse…would be nice to have an actual small wallet to store them.

11. I’ve put on 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks. How? I’m not entirely sure, but that is a really fast rate of weight gain- and I don’t think I possibly could have eaten an extra 3500 calories a day, so I guess I need to get back to tracking food intake.

    1. Are you experiencing any chest congestion? Do you have a history of heart disease in your family? Weight gain that rapid can suggest that you’re retaining fluid, so unless you ate a lot of very salty meals, I would consider seeing a doctor.

    2. I’ll bet some of it is water retention. Cut back on salty processed foods and up the fruit/vegetable and fluid intake and see if that makes a difference.

    3. Have you been taking any new meds, OTC or RX? There are a few that can cause major fluid retention and therefore temporary weight gain – an anti-inflammatory I used to take would add 8 pounds in 2-3 days for me.

       1. You know what- I just switched to a new allergy medication, and I bet that’s totally it- I’ve been on it for exactly 2 weeks. Add in a few extra lunch meetings, and I can see water retention also being an issue.

    4. You’re probably bloated.

    5. When that happened to me it was a new birth control and extreme fluid retention. Definitely talk to a doctor.

    6. Is your period late?

12. I got an e-mail from a coworker this morning (also sent to my boss) about seminars that would help me improve my skills. I get e-mails about these seminars as well and I’ve never really been interested in them, not because I’m not interested in professional development, I just don’t get a great vibe from that instructor. I haven’t responded to the e-mail yet and I’m going to touch base with my manager later where we can talk about this, but should I say something to my coworker about it? It seems a little over the line for her to be suggesting professional development seminars for me when she’s neither my boss or my mentor (well, maybe she wants to be, but I’d rather not have that kind of relationship with her). Unless she feels my skills are so crappy they’re impacting her somehow, but if that’s the case I’d rather she bring that up with my manager rather than beat around the bush with “helpful suggestions” of how I can get better.

    1. Instead of “your skills aren’t up to par,” could your coworker have meant “hey, here’s this thing Jitterbug might appreciate”? I agree that it’s a little weird that she cc’d your boss, but there’s the whole “never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity/thoughtlessness.”

    2. It’s totally normal for my coworkers to send around seminars/webinars/professional development opportunities. Did she just send it to your boss individually, or did she copy your boss like “hey jane, I thought this would be great for you”. If the coworker cced your boss, then that’s kind of weird.

       1. Same here and our firm pays for them. We copy the boss so he will know why we are both off and that it’s not for golf or a spa day. And sometimes the bosses say “no it’s bad” or “I’ve seen them speak and it’s worth it” or comment in some way. You could CYA and say, “I don’t think these (this) sound(s) helpful. Have you been to any before, Boss? Would you recommend one over the other? I am always looking to improve but I also do not want to waste time and money on something that’s not worth the trouble. THanks!! – Jitterbug”

13. Hoping we can crowdsource this — have you flown anywhere recently (in the last week) with all the TSA drama? Which airports and how were the security lines (w/o pre check/global entry) and at what time?

    Flying out of DCA around noon on Friday and then out of ATL at 2 pm on Sunday. Do I REALLY need to arrive at the airport 2 hrs in advance? That seems like a lot for a 2 hr flight — though I don’t want to risk it either.

    1. What’s the TSA drama? I haven’t heard about it.
       I flew out of ORD 10 days ago (international so my precheck did not work) and the line was about 30-40 minutes which is pretty typical for that airport w/o precheck. Even the precheck line there can take almost that long.

       1. In Atlanta, the drama is because they are renovating one of the screening areas so 100% of the regular screening passengers are temporarily going through approximately 30-40% of the lanes. It’s bad.

       2. You must have just missed the drama, Anonymous. The Chicago TSA lines have been getting a ton of press. Up to 2 hours non-precheck, lots of people missing flights, etc. Supposedly help is on the way (the TSA Chair announced lots of new agents being sent to ORD and MDW and changes to process) but it has been brutal.

          1. flew out of chicago without precheck and waited 3.5 hours last weekend. as soon as I got back to boston I applied for precheck although the first available interview appointment is in three months!

    2. Yes, you need to get there 2 hours before your flight. ESPECIALLY DC and Atlanta…Atlanta is brutal

       1. DCA is usually not bad at all. Way worse with this TSA thing.

          1. BWI is awful. I missed a 6am flight even though I got there before 4 because the line was so long. They wouldn’t let anyone move to the front.

             1. That’s why I HATE the first flight of the day and work to avoid it. Everyone who has flights 5:30 – 7:30 is crammed into security at basically the same time, and it never opens very early anywhere.

       2. I’ve never waited more than 10 min in security at DCA. BWI is another story. Still never missed a flight (knocks on wood).

    3. Flew out of LAX on Sunday night – don’t fly out of that airport regularly enough to tell, but the line was 1.25 hrs long at 8pm at night. So I would definitely give yourself a little extra time.

    4. I’m going out of DCA Friday night with pre-check and asking how much I need to stress this as well.

       Talked to one of my friends and he said when he was coming back through last week, the line for TSA pre was like 30-35 people deep but moving (I have NEVER stood in a line for pre at DCA, so this in and of itself is a statement). I usually follow his rule of “call the cab an hour before your flight leaves” (I live in Arlington) but I’m wondering if I need more time. I also don’t want to sit in DCA forever, though.

       1. OP here and I do the same — in a cab in Ballston no sooner than 1 hr before the flight — which gives you 30 min to get to the airport (which you typically don’t need) + 30 min to get to the gate which you also don’t need. Usually I can go from my couch to the gate in under 45 min. Looks like that’s not going to be true this time. Ugh.

    5. Dad’s everywhere are saying “I told you so.”

       http://www.theonion.com/article/dad-suggests-arriving-at-airport-14-hours-early-29662

       My aging parents flew in March before this mess and left the house at a ridiculous time like 5 hours before their flight. They are flying in July and I’m sure watching the news and will probably think they need to leave 10 hours early now.

       I asked my mom why they left so early. She has an acquaintance who is a commercial pilot who told her she should allow additional time for security because of her knee replacement. I laughed and told her that to him “additional time” means 10 or 15 minutes. Not 3 hours!

       1. Ha! My parents always tell me to leave myself extra time, and I grew up with time anxiety so while I’d only aim to get there maybe 4 hours early at least, I can appreciate that article.

       2. I’m one of those people who goes super early, like 3 hours. I didn’t use to when I traveled a lot for work, but I realized cutting it close was seriously stressing me out. I get such anxiety about rushing or being late, it’s just easier for me to go really early.

          Then I can go, and I don’t get upset or frustrated in security, I can stop at the airport bar or restaurant and have a snack or drink, and quietly read for a while. I feel so much better about traveling without worrying about missing a flight.

          But I’m weird.

          1. Not weird. I’ve never arrived to the gate later than 45 minutes before a flight, and usually give a 2 hour timeframe to arrive at the airport for domestic flight and 3 hours for international.

             Yes, it’s a pain. But its worth not having to worry about getting stuck in security or running late due to unforeseen delays and missing your flight. Makes it easier on yourself and on those around you.

             1. Oh, and I’m never early for anything in my life. Except flights.

          2. I brought my husband around to this viewpoint by pointing out that he could have a drink at the bar, no matter what time of day, if we got to the airport when I am comfortable getting there – at least 2 hours early!

          3. +1. I got to the airport late for me (an hour before my flight left) on Saturday, and the extra hour of sleep was just not worth the anxiety.

    6. I have pre-check/global entry, so didn’t actually have to wait in this line, but when I flew out of Atlanta last Friday mid-morning the regular security line was so long that it was snaked all the way through the departures terminal area and around each baggage carousel. If you don’t have pre-check/global entry, you should definitely plan to be there waaaaaay in advance of your flight, just in case. It was a zoo.

       (I know this doesn’t apply to you, but in case anyone with pre-check/global entry was curious, that line was normal at ~ 10 min).

       1. OP here — thanks. I have meant to get pre-check/global entry but always put it off bc I didn’t think spending 15 extra minutes in the regular security line was such a big deal. I’ll get it now but obv. not before this trip in the next 2 days.

          Guess I will have brunch on Sunday morning and leave for ATL as that’ll give me 2-3 hrs before my flight.

          1. I live in Atlanta and travel frequently for business and pleasure both, and pre-check/global entry is worth every.single.penny.

             1. Yes. Greatest $80 I ever spent. Even if I didn’t fly as much as I do for work, I still think it’d be worth it just for travel around the holidays.

             2. Except! If you ever travel abroad, even once in the 5 years, do global entry instead. Includes precheck for $100. So for an extra $15 you get to bypass the customs line and use the kiosks. It’s amazing. I’ve been abroad twice and would pay the $100 all over again for just these two trips, let alone the upcoming ones.

             3. I love my Global Entry. It took me like 2 months to get an interview in NYC because so many time slots were taken (this was >2 years ago) so make sure you sign up ASAP so you can schedule an interview ASAP.

    7. I flew out of LAX a few weekends ago, and it took me 30-45 mins to get through security around 9 pm on a Sunday. Conversely, it only took me 10 mins to get through security at TPA this morning.

    8. I made the mistake of going through the main security line last week at MSP. 45 minutes. Colleagues went through the Skyway line and it took 5 minutes.

       At my home airport in a mid-sized city where there isn’t usually much volume outside of rush hour, there were huge lines to check luggage and for security last week. Very odd.

       I have also noticed that the pre-check lines are getting much longer than they used to be, although they still do move faster.

       1. Part of the reason is TSA is randomly assigning some people, mostly elderly to the pre-check lines even if they haven’t signed up for it. It just shows up on their boarding pass. My parents got it last time they flew and they hadn’t flown in 20+ years. I felt sorry for whoever ended up behind them since pre-check is usually full of expert travelers.

          1. They have been randomly assigning it to certain people since the beginning, though.

          2. They announced a few months ago that they were no longer doing that. They did it in part to give people a “preview” of the convenience of Pre so that they’d sign up for it. But a lot of people were so confused by it that it wasn’t any more convenient as they still took off all their shoes/coats and took out laptops/liquids, and/or they had the mindset “well if they’re going to give it to me for free every time, why would I pay and go through the application process.” It was a total failure of a marketing plan that didn’t achieve signups and annoyed Pre/GE members, so I’m glad that’s gone.

             I think the longer lines in Pre recently are because they didn’t get the number of Pre signups they’d projected, so they’re now having to reduce the number of TSA agents assigned to Pre lines and shift agents to the swamped general screening lines.

             1. They were doing it in ATL just last week.

    9. I flew out of EWR (Terminal C) a few weeks ago for a Thursday 9am flight, and they were pre-checking everyone. It took about 10 minutes and was my fastest security check EVER.

       United does this awesome thing at Newark, where premiere access people get one line, and everyone else gets another. I almost missed a flight in March because of their bullsh*t.

       1. How can they pre check people who don’t have a pre check credential? Doesn’t that risk stuff slipping thru??

          1. Before I got pre-check, I would occasionally have days where they would let people in the general lane keep shoes on/laptops and liquids in their bag like the prechecks. Best I could figure, it was the days when they had the TSA dogs sniffing everyone’s carry on luggage in line.

          2. I don’t think it was official precheck, but we didn’t have to take our shoes off or take liquids/laptops out. However, they were extra intense about the metal detectors and bag x-rays seemed to take longer.

          3. Because it’s all security theater anyway.

       2. I flew United out of Newark about a month ago, with TSA pre-check, it took me over 30 minutes to get through. The regular line wrapped around the entire airport, and they were saying it was taking about an hour and 45 minutes for people to get through. This was for a Friday 6am flight!

          For my Friday evening flight out of JFK for Memorial Day, I’m planning on getting there 2 hours early… About an hour and a half earlier than I have since I got Global Entry!

          1. 6 am Friday morning (and all Friday morning) is a busy travel time at least in the northeast. Lots of consulting types flying home if they had a late night on Thursday and couldn’t leave, business travelers flying home etc.

       3. Every airline has a priority lane for security… and I don’t see anything wrong with it.

    10. I always arrive at the airport 2 hours early, even when flying out of my relatively small airport. I don’t like the stress of rushing around wondering if I am going to miss my flight. I flew out of Orlando a couple weeks ago (an early Sunday morning flight) and waiting in line for over an hour and they even told everyone to keep shoes on, don’t take out laptops or liquids.

        1. Oh wow – it’s bad enough that they’re bending the rules!?

           1. Those specific rules don’t accomplish anything except make people feel safer (i.e., they don’t actually make you safer), so they dispense with them when the lines get bad.

           2. The ‘rules’ they made up already?

        2. My parents live in Orlando, and IME, security for the Orlando airport is always a mess. Part of it is that everyone goes through one centrally based security line instead of having security at different terminals. A large part of it is that there are a lot of tourists and families with small children traveling instead of the expert-business-travelers. I typically get to the airport 60-90 minutes early in every other city, but I’ve always tried to leave 2 hours for Orlando.

    11. Flew out of DCA on a Monday evening (5-6ish) two weeks ago, and don’t remember it much, which tells me it wasn’t bad. I’m based in Boston, which I consider very fast to get through security and have noticed some delays since the TSA stuff all started coming up, but never more than ~25 minutes and often still close to normal. Jacksonville was by far the worst I’ve personally dealt with recently, close to an hour, with tons of agents just milling around but not opening lanes. I always give myself at least 1 hour from the time I walk into the airport until boarding starts to avoid the stress. Have heard horrible things from colleagues and friends about Atlanta and Chicago though – good luck :)

14. http://www.vox.com/2016/5/17/11687014/tsa-against-airport-security?utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook

    1. Oops… meant as a reply to the TSA drama post

15. Hair product question – I have long hair (past my shoulders) and its natural texture is somewhere between wavy and curly. I can’t find the right product to put in it. Gel makes it too hard and crunchy, but any mousse, foam, or beachy spray that I’ve tried doesn’t have enough hold and make it look fuzzy. Any suggestions?

    1. Give Deva Curl Ultra Defining Gel a try. They have a sample size at Sephora.

       My hair will do anything from beach waves to tight spiral curls depending on the humidity, and this gel lets my hair do whatever it wants while staying really soft. I’ve always avoided gel like the plague because of crunchiness, and had the same problems as you with other products, so this is really a miracle product for me.

       1. On a similar note, I like Deva Curl light defining gel. It doesn’t make my hair feel crunchy at all.
          Also (before I started doing “curly girl method”, I liked my mousse from Tresemee.

    2. Deva Curl custard

    3. I have just spent the past few months methodically trying every product under the sun for just this situation — hair used to be quite curly but the texture changed post-baby and now that it’s more than a year later, it is closer to wavy. My previous products just weren’t working. For my fine but extremely thick “bushy” hair between wavy and curly, what is currently working is regular conditioner (Tressemme) in the shower and then leave in conditioner (Suave naturals), garnier mousse (a huge amount), and then a thick cream on top – OGX curl cream. Previously I used garnier spray gel, but did not spray it — just used the gel straight. When you do use gel, are you “scrunching out the crunch” once it has dried? I also found that an extremely layered haircut helped a lot with defining what is left of my curls.

    4. My hair sounds similar to yours. I’m having a lot of success with the John Masters Organics rose and apricot hair cream. You can find it easily online or at most Whole Foods stores. It smells divine and I have to admit that’s the reason why I first decided to try it. But to my (very happy) surprise, it moisturizes very well and actually provides a light hold. I find that my hair only really frizzes when it’s dry, so this meets my needs.

    5. Living Proof curl cream. My hair is sounds just like yours, and i scrunch that in my wet hair in the mornings and let it air dry. Perfect wavy hair, no frizz.

       1. +1

    6. Garnier fructis creme gel — it is the best and it is not expensive. Moisturizing, decent hold, provides natural-looking hair.

       1. http://www.garnierusa.com/products/styling/curls/curl-style/curl-sculpting-cream-gel.aspx

    7. I have hair like yours and I’ve tried like every product out there. My favourite by far is L’oreal Evercurl cream gel. It’s super cheap at the drugstore. It’s not crunchy or sticky at all. It helps with defining my curls and provides light hold. I scrunch it through wet hair and then air dry and my curls look great.

       Don’t use sprays – the reason your hair is frizzy afterwards is because they contain alcohol which is terrible for curls.

    8. JessiCurl Spiralicious Styling Gel. I also use the daily shampoo & conditioner every other day, and Confident Coils & Rockin’ Ringlets on the weekends. I went from fly-away waves to genuinely curly with it.

    9. I just got some Ouidad Climate Control Heat & Humidity Gel in my birchbox and it’s not really gel, more like an oil but I diffuse my hair dry and it looks great.

    10. I’ve similar hair. I used the Deva Curl Angel stuff for a long time, then switched to Miss Jessie’s Quick Curls which I like better (the cream works better for me than a gel). Now I tend to use a combo of Miss Jessie’s Quick Curl and Carol’s Daughter Marula Curl Therapy Styling and Diffiusing lotion. The Quick Curl is the best product I’ve found for defining curls without making them crunchy. The Marula lotion is better at taming frizz and making my hair soft and shiny – by itself it accomplishes those things without defining the curl, so nowadays I mostly put it on my damp hair first, then scrunch with some Quick Curl cream.

        If you don’t already, consider getting a haircut from a place that focuses on curly hair. Having the right kind of layers really helps bring out the curl.

16. Any associates/former associates from biglaw deal with an actually evil boss? I’m not talking about demanding or brash, but actually someone who does not appear to have respect for humans?

    I’m 6+ months into a biglaw job working in a group I actually like, but I was hired to work 50% of my time under someone who has sent me into a spiral of anxiety and depression. I hyperventilate on my way to the office. She treats others like this too, but I work with her the most. All of her past associates have quit. I’m not really sure what to do because I don’t want to be viewed as a tattle tale/sensitive millennial. I already know that talking with her will do zero good. The last associate who worked under her went to a senior partner to voice his concerns, and the senior partner said something to the evil partner, who then had a public meltdown and now calls and harasses that associate constantly. Not sure how to proceed, but it is getting to be too much.

    1. Probably not the answer you want but this is pretty typical in Big Law. I never worked with partners who “had respect for humans”. That said, if you like other partners more, seek out work from them so your plate is really and truly full and you can’t work for her. This means you’ll be busy though — at my firm you can’t really turn down work in the long term (obviously you can turn down a specific project with a tight deadline if you’re slammed that day/week/whatever) unless you’re billing 2500 or so a year.

       1. Yeah, I hate to say it but this sounds par for the course. Every BigLaw office has a partner like that. Mine did. And tons of associates complained about her. And she stayed. Complaining won’t do any good. Get enough work from other partners so that you can always plausibly say you’re too busy to do her work.

       2. Man, I really don’t agree with this. I’m a 5th year and have never experienced anything like this.

          1. I have never experienced a partner like this either but have heard horror stories about partners like this in other groups. Usually associates do their best to stay clear. And those partners usually have a few associates who they “trust”… or at least tolerate. So not as many associates in the group end up being exposed to this partner. Firm likes to keep it that way.

    2. I work under a partner who has a terrible reputation and many others in our firm refuse to work with him. He isn’t evil, just super selfish and needs his stuff done yesterday. He is way calmer with me than anyone else because I have over time been able to make it clear that I’m on his team, i.e., trying to anticipate some of his more reasonable needs. But when he drives me crazy, I tell myself that it’s him, not me. If you truly come to your breaking point, remember that it’s her, not you. You keep doing your best and always be courteous, but when her expectations are unreasonable, that’s on her.

    3. So this person sounds awful, but when you’re only 6 months in, it’s really hard to decide if the behavior is “normal for biglaw partners” awful or “truly beyond the pale” awful. The fact that the person has caused several associates to quit is, sadly, not really probative because most biglaw associates do eventually quit.

       I’d try to keep your head down. Take copious notes about the partner’s preferences and try to respond to them. Try to get more work with other partners if that can protect you/help you to avoid working for her (though it may not if you’re officially assigned to work under her 50% of the time). Remind yourself that you’re a good lawyer, good person, etc., even when she is terrible to work for. Confide in a more senior associate to get a sense of whether there any opportunities to escape from this person, or if there are past practices around this (e.g., an old firm had a SOP of how you escaped the awful partner — once you had your fill, you went to the chair of the group and told him you couldn’t work for her, and only then did he intervene). In contrast, another partner at the firm (who IMO was equally terrible to work for) just burned through 1st years and typically stopped working with the ones he didn’t get along with after the next year’s class showed up, so it was just a waiting game …

       Good luck to you!

       1. I should say, I’ve also worked at another 500+ person firm.

       2. and thanks all for the responses!

       3. I agree with this. I’ve escaped from a couple of partners I did not enjoy working with, for similar reasons. That said, I also ended up doing a majority of my work for a few years with a partner about whom there were absolute horror stories. I relied heavily on a senior associate who knew his preferences/how he ticks, and we ended up all working well as a team. There were still moments of yelling, childish behavior, etc. but as Betty says below – it’s not about you. It’s about the partner. Don’t take it personally.

    4. What type of stuff does she do? I was in a similar situation with a boss who was literally intent on sabotaging my career and using me as a scapegoat for his mistakes, in addition to being a yelling, belittling sociopath. I’m just an associate, but here are my tips: document EVERYTHING. Keep every email. Have them automatically archived. Keep a daily log of what goes on in the office. Just quick notes. Work on getting as much work from other people as possible- that’s the only real way out. Be careful who you talk to- HR is not your friend, ex comm is not your friend, your secretary is not your friend. Don’t worry about being viewed as “sensitive” so long as you have tangible evidence of what’s going on. Other than that, just repeat to yourself that this is NOT about you. This is about her. The only thing you can really do is let it roll off your back.

       Or, honestly, start thinking about leaving. Life is too short. These types of deranged, broken people lurk every where, but you owe it to yourself not to suffer.

    5. I’m in biglaw and work for a similar partner, but perhaps not quite as bad (bad partner was surprisingly human when a grandparent passed away and father suffered serious medical issue nearly resulting in death in close proximity to one another). One option is to just not take work from bad partner, regardless of whether you are busy. Just say no. (I get this is very hard to do, but once I finally managed to do it, it has had surprisingly good results and no negative repercussions. No one has ever pulled my hours and said I had to take the work. I’ve never gotten a bad review and overall I think I am still on track to make partner in 2-3 years.) Or only take the work that is worth it to you professionally for the experience to put up with bad partner’s behavior.

       Recently, I’ve also tried standing up to bad partner. When he is being particularly abusive, his primary method of communication is basically a yell, I tell him I’d be happy to talk to him about the assignment later, but need to leave now and then just leave. I have also explicitly asked him to let me finish my sentence or thought before he cuts me off to tell me whatever I had to say was wrong without even hearing it. I’m not sure if I recommend this as I haven’t seen my latest review. But it has made bad partner behave slightly better. There is less yelling and more letting me finish a sentence.

17. I know this has been discussed and I’ve been looking at old posts but I’m also up for some current advice, because fashion. I graduated law school this weekend (praise be) and my Dad really wants to get me a professional bag. I own a Neverfull and a OMG. I will probably wait it out to see what people carry at my firm, but in the meantime any suggestions? Thank you!

    1. If I had the budget, I would get a Tumi bag. Professional looking but holds a ton and very practical.

       1. +1 to Tumi. And congrats grad!

          1. Thank you!

    2. I’d probably just use the neverfull & ask for something else (for me, that would be something in the real jewelry category)

       1. I was kinda leaning that way already, a bag will eventually show wear but jewelry could stand the test of time and make me think of him.

    3. Congrats! Awesome. Also, I can’t imagine my father ever recommending anything purse related. Not judging, just makes me giggle to think of him doing it. I mean he makes his own jean shorts….

       1. Thank you! And that is funny about the shorts.

    4. Congrats! How about the YSL bag du jour? Or if you’re thinking jewelry – a Cartier tank? :D You’ll have THAT forever.

       I was gifted the Mulberry Bayswater for graduation and I love it but it’s too heavy for NYC once I put my laptop in it.

18. I work in a male dominated industry that’s in a slump right now. I am doing well and I own my own business which is also doing well but it’s been a struggle and a lot of work.

    My younger sibling will be entering my industry soon. Hiring is very bad in our line of work and a lot of her graduating class won’t have jobs lined up. She is eager to work for me. I could make that happen. Should I? Or is this a good life experience for her to find a job on her own?

    1. Do you want her to work for you? Will it damage your personal relationship? Do you think she would be a valuable employee? If she wasn’t your sister would you hire her? Will you be able to fire her/let her go if her performance is poor or your company does not have enough business to sustain her as an employee?

       I could never work with family, so I would pass, but I know it works for some people!

    2. I think it depends – is your business small, so this will be your only hire for a while and you’ll supervise her directly? Or do you often hire new grads and you have someone else you will supervise her on a daily basis? Do you think she’d be a good employee? What sort of family drama will there be if you had to fire her?

       I don’t think there’s one right answer here, but maybe try to look at her objectively – if you are looking to hire and you’d likely hire her if she wasn’t your sibling AND you are either comfortable working closely with her or there’s someone else she’d work with primarily, then hire her. If the fit isn’t good, don’t.

    3. Your sibling probably should not work for you.

    4. I would leverage my professional network to help my siblings, but I would never try to install one of them in a position where I would work with him or her directly. If it’s a big company, I could see passing the resume to HR or to a hiring authority in a different department. But to work “for you”? It would look bad to other colleagues, and I can’t see any good coming of it as far as our personal relationship (but that could be different in your family).

       1. I think it may depend on the industry. I’m thinking of real estate, where it seems to be common for family members to partner up, but there must be others. If you feel like you can manage the professional boundaries and you think your sister is smart and would enhance your business I say go for it. My sisters and I are in very different lines of work, but if we were in the same industry I would hire them in a heartbeat. They are both smart, incredibly hard workers, and there is no one I would trust more to always show up and give 100%.

    5. Please help her out. I work in an industry FULL of nepotism and my aunt is a very high ranking government official. She refused to help me and as a result my career is in shambles. My only peers doing well are those who had family get them in the door.

       1. I understand being around an industry with nepotism and being an outsider. That said, someone “not helping” you is never a reason that your career is in shambles. That sounds incredibly entitled, and it seems like you don’t take responsibility for your own career. If that’s that case, I side with your aunt.

          1. I have a job in my industry, but I am a contractor. To make the leap from contractor to employee you need an in, otherwise its about a 7 year wait. I am obviously currently waiting it out.

             1. I’m a govt contractor, and I love watching GS employees hire their under-qualified friends and former co-workers (sarcasm). Participating in an already big problem of illegal/unethical hiring practices isn’t the right answer though.

    6. My husband’s aunt helped me get my first real job and it’s made such a difference. If you can help in any way it could change her life.

19. Yup. We had/have (he is still there, I am not) partner who was wretched. My favorite story from my time with him: He called me into his office one night around 7:00 p.m. He told me that a draft I had recently given him was not up to par, I was not where I should be for my class, I was a disappointment, etc. Basically the dude ripped me up and down for a solid 30 minutes. About five minutes in, I realized that his rant had absolutely nothing to do with me, but was completely his issue. I sat back, nodded my head and said, “Ok ___, what can I do to make this better? How can I assist going forward?” After I got back to my office, I decided to go for a run in the gym. He called my cell/iphone, and I stepped out of the gym. He apologized for interrupting my workout and then told me “I am so proud of how you handled that. I can’t wait to work with you more.”

    I worked with him on and off for several years. My biggest advice is to recognize that even when they are spitting vitriol at you personally, it is not about you. It is about them. It sounds corny but pretend that there is a bubble around you and that you are protected from them. It is helpful, especially here where it sounds like you cannot report this partner or do anything to improve her attitude or treatment towards you. Or can you make a game out of it, like evil partner bingo?

    Also, is working for this partner something where you need to put in your time and then you can move on to working for others? If so, figure out that time and countdown. Or can you fill your plate with other work so that you do not have time for this partner’s work?

    1. Ugh meant for biglaw issues. And totally intended to go anon for that one. Ah well.

    2. Reverse to that story: Had the horrible partner tell me (2 years out of law school) that I was awful and probably shouldn’t be a lawyer anymore. 8 years later, I report directly to the GC in a large corporation and handle class action litigation. Said lawyer just tried to pitch me for a large class action that was just filed against us. It felt so very, very, very, very good, down to my soul, to tell him no thanks.

       What goes around comes around in the legal world.

       1. Love this story!!

       2. HA!!! I’m living vicariously through you telling the partner “no thanks.” That is just so juicy and lovely. I dream of that scenario. I’m in house now as well. Isn’t amazing how nice they are to you on the flip side?

       3. A similar thing happened to me with my law school writing professor who told me to drop out. Flash forward and I am winning a big alumni award at a luncheon that she attended. She emailed me telling me how my speech make her cry and she’s so proud to have been my prof. I am sure she can say it was tough love, but I know she meant it.

20. I need to throw a mini (perhaps hormone-fueled) pity party here for a second – just a heads-up.

    I went back to being single at the end of February after a good relationship turned unhealthy. I kept most of the issues to myself throughout the relationship, but explained some of it to my two good local girlfriends at the end (I don’t like to only trash my partner to friends). I was sad, but generally I love my life, am fulfilled, and don’t mind being single for however long, even forever. One of my two local girlfriends is going through TTC issues and had a miscarriage not to long ago (I asked for suggestions on how to be there for her). I think I do a pretty good job of being the best friend I can to her – I check in, I offer an ear, I let her know I am thinking of her. My other local girlfriend is experiencing some growing pains with her bf’s kids because of the situation in which the kids parents broke up and my friend and their dad got together. Things are going pretty well now and I feel like I have been supportive to this friend as best I can.

    I am someone who cherishes my alone time and prefers small get togethers with friends for dinner or at people’s homes. This is generally how my local group of friends does things, which works out great. We all also respect when someone says no and needs to take time for themselves for whatever reason (or no reason at all).

    Shortly after my break-up I started to feel very insecure in my friendships with these two women. One is married and the other is in a long-term relationship. I didn’t get invited to one or two get togethers and felt as though I was not someone they were continuing to confide in (I realize this is WHOLLY their right and choice). I tend to be hyper critical and self-aware, often to my detriment. I reached out to both of these women individually to let them know I was feeling insecure, that I knew it wasn’t their job to fix that for me, but that I wanted to know how I could be a better friend to them. I let them know what I think my weaknesses are and how I was working on them. One sent a quick text that she was busy, but that she thinks I am a caring, wonderful, supportive friend and a good person. The other, the one I consider myself closer to, never responded (it’s been three weeks). I get it, people are busy and it isn’t their job to make me feel better or fix me.

    Anyway, last night I had a really awful riding lesson, was feeling really sad about a whole host of things, and reached out to both of them. I know everyone has things going on, but I got a quick “sorry you are feeling sad” and another sent me a link to something weird a guy who rejected me is doing in an attempt to make me laugh (it made me feel worse). No one has reached out to me today (we generally text daily unless we are really busy).

    I get it, people are busy, but I always try to reach out the next day if one of my friends had a bad day or something bad happened. I also get that I tend to not talk about things, mostly because I don’t like burdening people with my troubles when I know they are dealing with their own (miscarriage/TTC and potential step-kids/blended family struggles), which may lead people to think I don’t want to discuss anything further. It still was disappointing to not hear from anyone.

    Anyway, that’s my pity party for the day. Just needed to type it out so I can move on. Life is GOOD, I’ll be fine, I’ll probably live even!! :)

    Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself for a minute – I swear I am not generally a mopey, sad, needy person. I really appreciate this little community!

    1. I think you should consider reaching out to a pro. That text from three weeks ago I find really over the top. How are you not making it their job to fix you by requesting they let you know how to be a better friend? You may not have intended it this way but it probably felt super passive aggressive- I dial back a touch because of my own stuff and get a “woe is me how can I do better” request and I do not want more of that.

       You were sad. They responded. That is all it is reasonable as an adult to expect. A bad riding lesson should not be this upsetting.

       1. Thank you, I appreciate your response! I do have a therapist and am in therapy. Part of the reason I think this is hormone-fueled (in part) is because 95% of I don’t give a rat’s patootie what everyone else does because I am completely fine sitting at home or going off on my own to do whatever it is that I want to do.

          I have a serious question though – is it ever okay to ask someone to give you constructive criticism? I have the type of relationship with these women where we talk about how we can become better people quite frequently. We also talk about how we have become better people throughout the time we have known each other, where each of us have improved, and where we each have to improve. Should I only let it come up organically? We aren’t a circle jerk type of group and we certainly don’t have these types of conversations all the time, but they do occur. I am genuinely curious as to how best to approach this (I can certainly ask my therapist also, but she generally advocates always being open with how you are feeling so . . . ).

          1. Asking for constructive criticism from friends is really off-putting. If you had a fight, you apologize, learn from it, and move on…but to proactively start conversations on how to be a better friend top them would weird me out.

          2. I would say no. Sure if it comes up, but no you don’t solicit feedback from your friends about how to do better. You talk to your spouse about how to improve your relationship, but I don’t think this is appropriate feedback to solicit from friends.

             Also, really? This doesn’t sound hormonal. It’s something that keeps happening and bothering you. Maybe explore with your therapist why you gave friendships where you talk a lot about how to be better people instead of accepting that you aren’t an improvement project and you’re a good person now.

          3. Thanks everyone. I will definitely stop asking and only participate in the conversations when they come up naturally and I am NOT the initiator.

             1. Frankly, and I know you were having a bad day, but repeatedly reaching out to friends in that manner is probably really off-putting to them and why they aren’t responding.

             2. I understand. I reached out once. Gave the appropriate thank yous and have not brought it up again. All I said last night was that I was sad for x, y, z reasons. I thanked them for their responses and then haven’t reached out again. Hence, why I am venting/complaining/whatever here because I know it’s needy/annoying/off-putting whatever. I am not expressing myself well. They often bring up the self-improvement topic on their own and we have those reflective conversations as friends. I am certainly not the sole weirdo.

    2. I know therapy gets a bad rap for getting over recommended here but I really think you should consider it. Even though you say “you know it’s not their job to fix you” that’s exactly what you are doing. You didn’t get invited to two get togethers and sent that text? It makes them completely defensive if they want to do anything just the two of them. I’m sympathetic- I felt the same way when I was 18, but you don’t need to get invited to every get together and you sending texts like that certainly isn’t going to make them do that. You yourself point out that you feel closer to one than the other – can’t you recognize that other people at different points in their lives feel closer to certain people?

       I think you need to take a little more control- you seem to want these ladies to read your mind. Why not see if one or both are up for drinks or ice cream or a walk this week instead of feeling bad that they didn’t do an additional check in (since they did both respond yesterday) you seem to be getting kind of sucked into a circle where you want more and more of a reaponse. Friend 1 sent a lovely text when you were feeling insecure and they both responded last night even if it wasn’t the “right” response

       It sounds like you have a lot going on which would get anyone down- try to channel it and see if you can use it to form stronger friendships by being there and doing things rather than feeling bad about

       1. And thank you to you too! I am in therapy. Part of what I am working on is trying to talk more about my feelings. I tend not to and I try to deal with everything on my own because I feel bad burdening people when I know they have their own crap going on. I think it spills over at times and then I retreat more because I feel even worse having expectations that I shouldn’t have. I’m also on anti-depressants (started in my relationship) and all that jazz. I am crying typing this – I blame HORMONES!! haha I am not a crier generally.

          I hope I didn’t give the impression I said anything to my friends about the get togethers (it was the larger friend group, not just the two of them FWIW), I certainly did not. I would never do that. It’s not their obligation or responsibility to invite me to anything! I totally get that. I also 100% get that people’s relationships ebb and flow, I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t done something specific to offend either of them or make them mad or whatever. I guess I need to trust that if there is an issue, they would tell me and let sleeping dogs lie.

          And you are right, friend 1 did send a lovely text, and when she did I responded to her immediately and thanked her and said that I really appreciated her friendship and how it has grown stronger over the years (which is true and which sentiment she said she shared). It was great and I hoped that I thanked her in a way that showed I really appreciated it.

          I think I’m getting sucked into that well I did this for her so she should do the same thing for me, which is TOTALLY not how relationships of any kind work. I should be doing things because I WANT to, not because I expect a certain response or reciprocation. 100% Thank you for helping me talk through this.

          1. Again, I do not understand blaming hormones for tears when you are in treatment for depression. You’re depressed. That is why you are sad.

             1. Well the tears happen once a month while I am on my period only so . . . I mean granted, I am not a doctor, but that seems to not be all that coincidental. The tears have happened randomly during my period ever since I stopped taking birth control 6 years ago.

             2. To add, the rest of the time I do not cry when I am sad or otherwise.

             3. And while I am on the defensive (although I was trying not to be), I started taking my anti-depressant meds again not because any of my doctors or my therapist recommended it, but because I felt like I was overreacting in my relationship to what turned out to be egregious behavior on his part (and not an overreaction on my part) and asked the PA at my GP’s office for it. No one in my treatment circle suggested it based on discussions or behavior. It was a complete self-diagnosis on my part because I thought I was the unhinged one in my relationship (turns out it was the other way around).

                Anyway.

          2. Trust me- you did say something about the get togethers. Your friends are smart and they know you. They read through the lines with that text.

          3. I think you are jumping 5 steps ahead of yourself in your friendships. They are your friends, you should be able to tell them directly if you are feeling down and need some extra tlc, without then trying to minimize it or dismiss it, which you sort of seem to be doing here. It seems like maybe you wanted them to also ask how to be better friends to you so you could tell them how you are feeling? You can also just tell them, instead of sending an email to them beating yourself up for your weaknesses when you are feeling hurt about something, like you are already in an argument with yourself about whether they should be friends with you or not. You are allowed to, and you should, advocate for yourself, without obscuring it in counter arguments. And you can ask for what you need while also being understanding of where someone else is coming from, without obscuring your own “ask” in analysis and counter analysis.

    3. I’m so sorry. That sounds really difficult and I think you totally deserve a pity party– or really, just sympathy from others and maybe a nice treat for yourself. Feeling let down my friendships is so normal, but always difficult.

       1. Thank you KM! Pity party is over and I really appreciate folks taking the time to help.

    4. You’re going through a rough time (maybe rougher than you’re even letting on to yourself) right now. I can actually relate pretty well to how you’re handling your friendships, and I’ve asked myself similar questions about how I could behave differently to get the support I need from them.

       I don’t have an easy answer, but I do think therapy has been helping me. I’m learning that my tendency to minimize my own problems is off-putting in its own way…but for me it’s also a survival mechanism that I learned as a pretty young child. It’s okay for it to be hard to let that go. I’ve given myself more pep talks like the one you ended your post with than I can count, and in almost every case I was falling apart inside but didn’t have any idea how I could get external support…so I felt it was on me to cheer myself up. I sort of still do, but I’m also starting to see that the cumulative impact of a lifetime of isolating myself has been very unhealthy for me. We value independence in our culture, but there is a point where it goes too far.

       You clearly want some more connection, and objectively it sounds like you’ve got some friends who care about you a lot. But your feeligns of wanting more are legitimate, and I think talking to a good counselor could help you better understand their source and how to deal with them.

       1. Woah, this “I’m learning that my tendency to minimize my own problems is off-putting in its own way…but for me it’s also a survival mechanism that I learned as a pretty young child. It’s okay for it to be hard to let that go. I’ve given myself more pep talks like the one you ended your post with than I can count, and in almost every case I was falling apart inside but didn’t have any idea how I could get external support…so I felt it was on me to cheer myself up. I sort of still do, but I’m also starting to see that the cumulative impact of a lifetime of isolating myself has been very unhealthy for me. We value independence in our culture, but there is a point where it goes too far.”

          This is soooo me. Thank you for sharing.

    5. Know that it’s them, not you.

       I have let most of my friendships slide because of all my miscarriage woes and now the challenges of raising two young kids. I just don’t have the energy (physical or mental) to help an adult through a bad time, as awful as that sounds. I mean, I can get together every so often and drink some wine and chat about our lives, but I can’t do regular texts through the week talking about their mental well-being and helping them improve as people.

       Honestly I’m a bad friend right now, and I can’t be part of someone’s main support system. I can be your more-than-acquaintance-sidelines-friend who roots for you, and that’s about it. It sucks, but it’s totally on ME.

       1. I don’t think you are a bad friend or that it sounds awful, I think you are living your life as best you can! You have to take care of yourself and your family before everyone else. That’s how it should be. Thank you for this perspective.

    6. I mean this nicely, and I know it sounds like you have had your own slew of issues this year building up to last night and it’s not really fair to compare and contrast one’s burdens with another’s, but “having a bad horse lesson” does not equal having a miscarriage or issues with blending a family. I can see how your friend’s responses were fitting to the situation.

       1. I mean this nicely, and I know it sounds like you have had your own slew of issues this year building up to last night and it’s not really fair to compare and contrast one’s burdens with another’s, but “having a bad horse lesson” does not equal having a miscarriage or issues with blending a family. I can see how your friend’s responses were fitting to the situation.

          1. End point came out much more drastically than I intended. I meant only that I was more upset than I had been in a long time and I reached out to talk about how I was feeling.

       2. Uh… she probably just mean that the bad horse lesson was what tipped her over the edge. Come on.

          Hasn’t anyone else experienced that? You’re already feeling really worn down and then something small happens and that’s that? Nowhere did she state that she actually believed that her lesson was as bad as a miscarriage.

          1. + 1. I think the advice on this thread is pretty harsh. Yah maybe that text was awkward, but if a good friend did that I’d respond and just try to move on from it. Everyone feels vulnerable sometimes. As long as it’s not a creepy pattern of ‘tell me how I’m doing all of the time!”, if I was the friend I would just move on.

             1. Thanks Anon at 2:09 and First Year Anon. I certainly in no way think a bad lesson, or even my emotionally abusive relationship plus now being single or whatever, comes close to a miscarriage. I know that I cannot possibly understand what that feels like and that is exactly why I haven’t brought up ANY of my own problems or feelings to that friend other than the one time I tried to say, awkwardly and badly it appears, that I understood I might not be being a good friend to her and I wanted to know how I could be a better friend.

                I would have no problem if a friend asked me how to be a better friend – perhaps that’s my root problem here!! My friends are not me and won’t approach or view things the way I do, and I need to remember that.

             2. You are welcome. I am the type of person who will burst into tears when I spill a single drop of hot tea on my thumb if I’m feeling really down and worn out already.

                “I certainly in no way think. . . my emotionally abusive relationship plus now being single or whatever, comes close to a miscarriage ”

                Please do not discount the importance of your feelings about this. They are valid, they are yours, it is no one’s place to “judge” that they are not important because they are not a miscarriage.

                I don’t know how close you are to these friends, but if you are really, really close, and have had conversations about the “state of your friendship” (even little ones) before, I would recommend talking in person and saying something like “hey. friend. You’ve been awesome and I know I’ve been kind of down lately. I hope you know that I appreciate your friendship. If I’m ever doing something that’s bugging you, please let me know. It means a lot to me to be a good friend to you.”

                It seems weird to me that most commenters seem to feel that talking about the state of friendships is weird or taboo, but it’s ok for marriages. Huh? Why? They’re all relationships. I think these types of conversations are totally valid and can be really helpful when used sparingly. I think in person is better because tone is conveyed. Don’t beg for a blueprint on how to be a good friend, but it’s totally cool to open a dialogue about specific things.

                For example, I have a friend I love dearly who sometimes drops off the face of the planet/flakes massively when she gets busy/ down. She and I have talked about it outright- she’s come to me and said “Anon at 2:09, I’m sorry but I do get this way, please know it isn’t about you and that I value your friendship, and I’m trying to be better about my behavior in this regard.” Made me feel valued, and keeps me from being hurt if she bails, and I know to reach out to her to push her to be social. Our friendship is stronger because of this.

             3. Yes! That is exactly the type of discussion that happens with these two girlfriends. One will say, “Hey, I’m sorry I have been MIA. I am feeling down about XYZ. I appreciate your friendship and blah blah blah.” It’s not like we sit around dissecting what a text meant or talking about our status as a personal DIY project.

                I like having self-aware friends who acknowledge how their behaviors may affect other people. No one is asking for crazy accommodations or being needy, IMO, we are trying to be respectful and aware of how we treat those people that we care about. Just as you would in a romantic relationship. I agree that I don’t know why it has to be so different between the two types of relationships. Since I do not have a romantic relationship, these friendships are the most relationships in my life and I want to treat them as such.

21. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 1. Within the last few weeks, we’ve been bickering, fighting, and just getting on each other’s nerves, which is really unusual for us. I’m not saying that we’ve never gotten into fights or disagreements in the past; it’s just that it’s they have always been isolated incidents and 90% of the time, our relationship was relatively “easy”. We’ve gotten into three disagreements/arguments over the last five days, which has never happened before, and I have no idea how to get us out of this cycle.

    Nothing has really changed, other than the fact that we’re both stressed out and unhappy in our current work situations (his firm is doing layoffs and mine was just acquired by a private equity firm and is undergoing a massive culture shift). He’s the main breadwinner, and with the uncertainty around his job, we’ve decided to put off TTC by 3 months, which is a decision I know is right rationally but that I’m struggling with emotionally.

    Any suggestions on how to get us out of this cycle of fighting, apologizing, and then fighting again? Is this just being married (ie – you go through rough patches occasionally but you get back on track and it goes back to being ‘easy’ and good again)? It’s really bothering me and I know it’s bothering my husband, so I welcome any perspective, insight, and advice from the longer-married ladies here.

    1. Married for 11 years, together for 15. Rough patches happen. Can y’all plan a night together where you go have a good dinner and just talk? Put the phones away, don’t think about work, and just have a “state of the marriage” talk. We have one of those at least once a year, to make sure we’re on the same page on all the major issues we have.

    2. Yes, this sounds very normal, especially with the external stresses you describe. Some things that help us: $ex (even if I/we aren’t particularly in the mood), a weekend getaway or staycation, taking long walks with the dog together. But yes marriages am definitely have ups and downs and go through periods like this.

    3. Address it head-on: Tell your partner “Hey, we’ve had a rough week or so. Wanna block off an evening to hang out and do something fun together?” And then really do it. Go on a date, try a new activity together, and remind yourselves why you like to hang out together. Specifically don’t try to discuss why you’ve been fighting, and don’t re-hash old arguments. It sounds cliche, but the best defense against taking stress out on each other is to re-kindle the warm feelings. If you think you’re both too busy for even 1 evening or weekend day together, then you are putting your work above your marriage. And that can work out OK occasionally, but now’s apparently not the time.

    4. Sounds pretty normal, both in the life of a marriage and as the product of the life stresses you mentioned. If you can do some things to reconnect, that’s great. But sometimes I think the most helpful thing to do is to acknowledge that this is a stressful time, that is will get better eventually, and that you are still a team against the world. Just remembering that you are on the same team and have each other’s backs goes a long way.

    5. “Nothing has really changed” “except economic uncertainty, the potential loss of his self identify as a provider, and our family planning plans.”

       Girl. Everything has changed. Start from there: in a really rough time, you squabble and apologize. That’s not actually that bad?

    6. My mom told me that decades ago, she canvassed her friends and determined that the first year of marriage is easy, the second can be tough. I’m not sure how universally true it is, but that’s one data point in support of your situation — now is the time when you have to start working a bit at what probably came easier in your relationship before.

    7. I’ve been married for five years, together with my husband for eleven. I don’t think that this is normal — and if it’s “normal,” I don’t think it should be. My husband and I don’t fight. We have disagreements — but we don’t fight. Perhaps we are using the word “fight” differently, but to me, fighting means: (1) raising your voice (2) insulting the other person (3) being sarcastic or dismissive, or (4) being accusatory or critical, or some combination of these things. I’ll bet you that if you assess each of the fights you’ve had recently, they were all started by one of these things.

       If you don’t want to fight? Then don’t do these things. You can’t change what your husband does, but you can control your own behavior, so choose not do these things. And then, something magical will happen: he will stop doing them too. Because unless the person you’re married to is a sociopath, kindness begets kindness. I realize this requires extraordinary patience (especially in the beginning) but it will also reap extraordinary rewards.

       1. Eh, every relationship is different, and I think occasional fights are pretty typical for most relationships. (To me, fight = disagreement with high emotional involvement). I do think your advice is good for trying to break the cycle of fighting, but I also think that it is reassuring to know that this kind of thing is totally normal, especially when you are in a fairly high stress, uncertain time of your lives, and does not mean it’s a bad relationship in any way. It just means you have to figure a few things out.

       2. Anon at 1:03, I don’t get the sense that this is what OP meant at all. It sounded like they are snappish/bickering and unable to snap out of it. Yes, people use language differently, but saying “my husband and I got into a fight” is an extremely common way of describing a routine marital disagreement. I think it’s kind of silly to ignore the entire tone of her post, which has no hint of the kind of shouting/swearing/low-blow fighting you’re describing, and then write this kind of “it’s not normal, you need help” answer.

          And yes OP – it’s a rough patch. I’ve postponed TTC after planning to start, and I’ve been through layoffs at work, and both are extremely hard. I can only imagine that layering them on top of each other is harder. Be patient with each other and be honest about the ways you’re feeling down/crappy/insecure. And don’t hold grudges once a fight is over. Trust that you’ll be on the other side of this soon.

          1. This.

       3. Oh good grief. Congrats on being perfect. My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and we absolutely “fight” under your definition. I know not everyone does, and frankly OP sounds like she’s describing bickering and disagreements, not actual fights, but even fighting is normal and doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed or close to it.

    8. Yes, my husband and I have been married 10 years, together 13 and we go through this too. We love each other fiercely but are also both very stubborn. It took a while for us to learn that to break this cycle (which is almost always caused by outside stress) one of us has to just say “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m sorry.” And then the other accepts the apology and we move on. It also helps to have some alone time and time to reconnect. We work hard at not holding a grudge or bringing up past fights, especially when it is just stress related. Also, we are never mean to each other during a “fight.” I use that word, but it could probably be described more as disagreements or just getting upset about something. We try to always treat each other kindly, even when we are upset. Occasionally, we have had issues that are not simply stressed related and need to be dealt with and so we sit down and talk those out and make compromises, etc.

    9. I’ve been married 6 years, and it sounds pretty normal to me. I think you should recognize that you’re dealing with a lot of change, and change and uncertainty are stressful. Then make an effort to reconnect (for us, $ex almost always makes it better, but a fun date or cuddles on the couch might work for you). And, finally, do your part to end the cycle of criticism, bickering, and arguing by defusing anything that comes up as quickly as possible.

    10. Thanks for the feedback and insight. I feel a lot better about what we’re going through now.

        We are definitely in a “rough patch” in life in general and these comments made me realize that a) how we’re behaving is somewhat normal, given everything that’s going on and b) snapping at or bickering with him is easier than being honest and vulnerable about what’s really bothering me. I’ll try to have more patience, both with him and with myself, and be more honest about what’s really bothering me. I will also keep in mind that this too shall pass (at some point!).

22. Any recommendations for a facial in Tampa?

    1. There’s literally nothing downtown that I’ve been able to find. I have had several around town (South Tampa, Clearwater, the local big spas, etc.), but none that have knocked my socks off. May want to try Kennedy Day Spa. May be fun to go to either Sand Pearl or Don Cesar and take the day to the enjoy the beach too. I’ve been to both spas and they’re nice.

23. I’m sure it’s been talked about in the comments before, but my comment search powers are bad (so I’ll take those recommendations as well), but…Paris.

    I’m thinking about doing a solo trip to Paris in the fall – I just looked at tickets for September, but if it’s better to go more into October, I could do that as well. Advice/recommendations for a first time international solo traveler or for Paris specifically? I’ve done one international flight before, but I was going with a school group, so ultimately, I wasn’t responsible for as much.

    1. September is a really busy time in Paris for a variety of reasons. October is a beautiful and slightly quieter month and the temps will probably be crisp but not cold.

       -Get an apartment! They’re often less expensive than a hotel and you can make it your own.
       -When you arrive at CDG, go by the tourist info desk and buy a metro pass (there are several options) and a Museum Pass if you’re going to visit museums. It’ll save you time and give you flexibility and the museum pass lets you skip ticket lines (you’ll still have to go through security lines but they’re often much shorter)
       -Consider taking a taxi from CDG to your hotel/apartment. It’s more expensive than the metro, but you’ll be jet-lagged and maybe not as aware of your surroundings as you should be. The cost should be around 60 Euros.
       -Use a zippered cross body bag. If you’re already big-city aware, you’ll be fine, but it’s good to have everything secured.
       -If you go to the Louvre, use the Carousel entrance. Lines are shorter there…we just walked in while everyone else was waiting in the massive lines at the pyramid.
       -Versailles is an easy day trip but also very time consuming. If you want to see a chateau and don’t have your heart set on Versailles, try Vaux le Vicomte. It’s really lovely and not so massive. If you do go to Versailles, go first thing in the morning and tour the gardens first. Everybody else will head straight to the chateau. By the time you get to the house, much of the morning crowd will have moved on.
       -Notre Dame is just what you’d expect, but the stained glass at Sainte-Chapelle is glorious. All of the glass has recently been restored and it simply glows. Lines tend to be short and it’s covered by your Museum Pass.

       But mostly, just spend time wandering. Watch the street scene, eat good cheese, drink wine. It’s a beautiful city.

       1. Also:

          Book your tickets to the Effiel Tower in advance

          I went to Paris solo 3 years ago – my company sent me to training there. I ordered a SIM card online and saved a ton of mo ey. Tripadvisor forums were SO helpful.

          If you don’t speak French it’s really not N issue, but I would recommend learning the words for north south east & west. It will be SO helpful when using the Metro.

          1. And go to the top of the ugly building to look at the eiffel tower, don’t go to the top of the eiffel tower to look at the ugly building. But they serve wine at the eiffel tower. Do both.

             1. Montparnasse! So ugly but great view.

24. I’m sure it’s been talked about in the comments before, but my comment search powers are bad (so I’ll take those recommendations as well), but…Paris.

    I’m thinking about doing a solo trip to Paris in the fall – I just looked at tickets for September, but if it’s better to go more into October, I could do that as well. Advice/recommendations for a first time international solo traveler or for Paris specifically? I’ve done one international flight before, but I was going with a school group, so ultimately, I wasn’t responsible for as much.

    1. I went to Paris almost three years ago with my husband and fell in love with the city. A few things I would do there as a solo traveler:

       Take one of those touristy Seine river cruises. It’s relatively cheap, only lasts about 90 minutes or so, and it gives you a great feel for the city/the lay of the land. You can also see the Eiffel Tower up close without hoards of tourists, which is nice.
       Go see Sainte Chappelle with its amazing stained glass windows.
       Have a leisurely lunch at La Petite Zinc on Rue St. Benoit, sit at an outside table, and people watch.
       Stop at a patisserie daily. :)

       I think the Cup of Jo blog had a post a few weeks ago from a woman who went to Paris solo for her 30th birthday. I would definitely try to track down that post on her experience; it seemed like she loved it.

       1. I lived in Paris for years, and it’s the best. October is an awesome time. As an alternative to the cruise, if you like to walk and have a sunny afternoon, I love to walk over every bridge over the Seine within the Paris city limits. It takes several hours (budget 5-6 factoring in stops at cafes, for ice cream, for photos), but as nearly all the big sites are clustered around the river, you see almost everything. And then you can eat a LOT of cheese at dinner that night.

          Go to a market and buy bread, cheese, fruit, takeout type items and have a picnic in your hotel room one night.

          Find restaurants where you can sit at the bar. Don’t let yourself miss out on the city’s amazing restaurants because you don’t have a dining companion.

          Also buy a “Paris practique” or “Paris par arrondissement” book at any newsstand or tabac. It has each arrondissement on a different page. Much easier than an iPhone map and if you read it on thr metro, it helps you get to know the city and how everything connects.

          Rent a Velib bike so you can bike around the city. Very fun.

    2. I just got back from a trip that included 7 days in Paris a few days ago! It was my first time there and it was fantastic. I recommend looking into a museum pass to save some money and time if you are planning on seeing a lot of museums, churches, and other tourist attractions (it covers a whole host of things). We were able to skip several lines and ended up doing a few extra things we probably wouldn’t have otherwise done. I rented an apartment from Airbnb, which I highly recommend. The apartment was much bigger than a hotel room and it had other amenities like a kitchen and a washing machine that were nice for a longer stay. Getting around on the metro was super easy and you can buy a “carnet” of 10 tickets at a time so save a little money. When I posted about my trip a few months ago, someone kindly offered that the tourist attractions are the top things to see for a reason – so don’t skip out on any of them! It was great advice. Also, I was really impressed by how friendly everyone was in Paris. If we had a map and looked confused, people were always there offering us help. This was in stark contrast to our trip to Amsterdam where we couldn’t believe how many rude people we encountered (still loved the city, but it put a little damper on that part of our trip).

25. Okay, so my work situation has gone from bad to much, much worse recently, and I’m just trying to figure out my next moves. I’m also a little curious if anyone can offer insight on what might be a violation of pregnancy-related work laws…though I’m not seriously considering pursuing anything at the moment.

    I’m still relatively new at my job (4 mos in), which is as a consultant starting a new consulting practice within a larger company including several other existing practices. I’ve had (and posted here) a lot of difficulties with my colleague with whom I’m supposed to be starting this group. I appealed to our mutual boss about a month ago, but without too many details he’s turned out to be fairly unhelpful. The upshot at this point is he’s disappointed in both of us, and he’s just waiting to see if either of us shows any leadership in getting our group off the ground.

    Communication with my colleague has been strained since about a month since I started. I’ve tried several tactics to improve things, most recently organizing an in person meeting last week (we’re all remote employees) to discuss how we can better work together and what our goals were as a team. We left that conversation with a mutual vision and a couple of to dos including his bringing me into an engagement on which he was already working (which would allow us to offer that client a much broader range of services). Well, as of Monday of this week he hadn’t done so, and when I asked him about it his reasoning was that he first needed a plan for how to handle my maternity leave. I told him that I had already discussed this with our boss, and boss felt it’s premature to make a plan since he firsts wants to see if there is a market for our services (Head of Sales also said this to both of us). He seemed to accept that, but then over email yesterday he brought it up again in relation to a specific project we’re working on. That email came late yesterday, so I suggested we talk by phone this morning. This morning he says he doesn’t want to talk today (no explanation for why), but his concerns are broader than this project.

    So, I’m sort of at a loss. I learned about a week or so ago that for the past several months he’s been keeping me out of client meetings and excluding me from sales/marketing activities. So while he’s currently bringing up my pregnancy as a concern, I feel like it’s just the most recent excuse. I really feel like this situation has become toxic and likely unsalvageable, but it’s not exactly like I can go hunting for a new job now. I guess I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth trying to use the next couple of months to see if we can improve things, or just start thinking about my next move post-baby. I’ve got a 2 y.o. starting pre-school in a couple weeks, so it’s not like my life outside of work is super relaxing either.

    1. How far along are you? While I generally believe that women should never be treated differently for being pregnant, there are a few times in a few jobs where it is just necessary to acknowledge that someone will be out and for how long. It’s not just pregnancy but any other type of scheduled leave but pregnancy is the one that comes up most common. I don’t know your line of work but let’s say your customers need a new product launch. You are 6 months along (in my hypo) and the brunt of the work will come to a head in 3-5 months, smack in the middle of your leave. You are also showing. I wouldn’t want to bring you to the client and say “hey, here’s my colleague that will be handling your launch.” Client would rightfully say, um, isn’t she going to be out during my launch? Who will actually be doing it? What’s the plan?

       So, if that’s the situation, I don’t think that’s discrimination. But, there has to be a plan. It can’t just be that you do no work and get no pay until you return from leave. (Assuming your pay is tied to your work). Also, are you a co-owner or just an employee? That makes a difference too.

       In my above hypo, I think it would be great if you were presented as colleague that would be helping with preparing for launch and transitioning to Joe for actual launch. But, I could also see a client saying then just put Joe on it now rather than having a transition.

       You know your field and what is and isn’t a client’s choice. In law, we can at least try to get trials moved around maternity leave (the one good thing about the shorter leaves in the US) but it would be harder to postpone a client’s launch as an example.

       1. To add, the flip side to this is people quit, people have heart attacks and work sometimes does have to get transitioned at the last minute but that is an unpredictable situation. While I would love for pregnancy to be treated as the same unpredictable situation, there is unfortunately no hiding it and clients will want to know the plan.

          That said, your colleague should be working with you on a plan, not against you. As should your boss.

       2. Thanks for the feedback. We’re in a situation where I’m wrapping up my responsibilities on one project but more generally trying to figure out a broader strategy for how our team should move forward (we haven’t, for quite a while). I am trying to put in place a plan for this current project in case baby comes early (I’m 7 mos right now).

          For new clients, our boss is pretty clear that he just wants us talking to more people and validating what we’re even offering the right services. Our Head of Sales has said that they are more than comfortable handling delays in contracting new projects because of resource gaps, so we should not worry about staffing plans when it comes to trying to bring in new clients (if we have an interested client they will figure out how to sell them on the gap). I have also brought in two potential companies that could be used as subs if the need arises while I’m out (he’s met several times with one of them and he was the one who brought up using them while I’m out). If the situation were reversed, this would be enough for me to move forward with at least having initial phone conversations with clients (deals often take several months to close anyway) so we could validate the offering we’ve put together. As it stands, I’m now doing that independent of him…but I really hate doing so.

    2. Not an employment lawyer, but it doesn’t sound to me like pregnancy discrimination – it sounds to me like two colleagues that were hired to work together that can’t get along. If you’re supposed to be a team and he’s not sharing work with you or making you part of the team, I kind of doubt it’s pregnancy related. It sounds like a personality issue. I don’t know enough to know where your ultimate boss would come down on this, but it sounds like he wants you all to work it out together without too much input from him. If you don’t think you can work it out, and you don’t think your boss will take your side, I’d probably start looking for a new job…

       1. Thanks, this is kind of my read as well. Most recently, he’s brought up my maternity leave…but that doesn’t explain why he cut me out of work 2 mos ago. I think our boss is overwhelmed with too many direct reports and has sort of washed his hands of this situation…so I don’t think I can really count on him for help with this situation.

          All signs are pointing to needing to find another job, but I’m feeling like such a failure for not being able to make this one work. It’s helpful that IRL where I can share more details with friends and family, I’m mostly getting universal feedback that this is an unwinnable situation…but it still really bothers me and I guess I’m grasping for ways to turn this around :(

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