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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Stretch-Cloqué Dress

Black Sheath Dress: Michael Michael Kors Stretch-Cloque DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. If you're on the petite side and looking for a fitted knit dress, this nice thick knit from Michael Michael Kors may be for you. I like the subtle snakeskin pattern, the fact that it's hand washable, and its simple, classic shape. It's $175 at Net a Porter. Michael Michael Kors Stretch-Cloqué Dress Here's a lower-priced alternative (in regular, petite, and tall). Options for the taller among you are here and here (pictured models are 5'10”); two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

300 Comments

  1. Yay Kat and Kate! Such a cute dress! And VERY modest! Michael KORS may be my new go to dress! DOUBEL YAY!

    I walked in today and it was wonderful! Even the construction Guy’s were respectful of me as I walked by.

    Dad will be happy when he sees because my tuchus is in check. Grandma Leyeh is now home, with NO bunions. I have to go up there Saturday. Have a great day to the HIVE and enjoy the whether!!! YAY!!! B

    1. Ellen, I am glad to see you are walking regularly, and of course that your tuchus is in check. It is refeshing to read that you continue to get out there and that you are respectful of your elders. Best of luck in your search for love. Don’t let your family bully you into marrying just anyone. You deserve a great guy, and there are, in all likelihood, at least a few good ones left out there for you in the Big Apple. Happy hunting!

  2. I’m starting to feel the travel bug again!! What is the best domestic travel destination for a single 30 year old? I love just about everything except for cold weather. Ideally a 3-4 hour plane ride from NYC or less than a 5 hour drive. I’m looking for a destination that is relatively safe and where I won’t feel completely uncomfortable being alone. Just looking for ideas. Thanks!

      1. Second Charleston. The downtown area is beautiful, has great restaurants, and there are activities in the area (historical home tours, walking tours, plantations, etc.) so there is stuff to do.

      2. I wouldn’t come to Savannah as a single female. Savannah is having a fairly serious crime wave, with shootings downtown.

      1. +1 Asheville. An airbnb downtown wouldn’t break the bank. The downtown area is very walkable and has tons to do.

      2. +1,000 to Bermuda. Although it stays chilly through early May. Very safe, super clean, and everyone is super nice.

    9. Not very exotic, but what about DC? Assuming you want to go soon, you can time it for when the cherry blossoms bloom? Come for the cherry blossom festival if you dont mind crowds, one weekend before or after if you do. I think with all the museums and historical stuff, it’s a nice place for a single person to travel.

    10. I just came back from South Beach and I went by myself. I never felt unsafe and I was completely comfortable being alone.

    11. It may be on the long side of your flight time, but I had a great time in Miami/Key West fairly solo (I met up with some friends during the week).

    13. Lots of people are recommending New Orleans and, while I am single and love living here, I would say if you are traveling alone and going out at night, you will have to be very very careful. It is the kind of city that you can wander and explore alone. Just walking around at night alone may not be advisable. Also, our weather right now is absolute crap. This is the second week where we’ve had these horrible, potentially devastating storms. And in between, it’s warm and humid.

    14. Honestly, I find solo travel is more exciting in international locations. You could find a nice beach somewhere, but I would probably stretch out the flight time a little and hit the California coast or go to Ireland, England, or Iceland.

    15. This might depend on what type of trip you are looking for, but in a similar (30, solo, female, 4 hrs from NYC) situation I went to a resort in St George, Utah called Red Mountain. It’s a little health oriented, but nothing crazy. Lots of beautiful hiking, horseback riding, yoga, etc. They have a communal table at dinner (which is included) and you can meet other solo travelers. Or not, of course, but I liked having that bit of socializing at the end of the day.

    16. A little longer than you want to spend flying, but I go to the Palm Springs area every March by myself for a long weekend. I go hiking, by a spa package at my hotel so I get a couple of treatments every day, soak in some mineral pools and spend a lot of time readIng by the pool. I always come back feeling rejuvenated.

    17. Thank you all for the great suggestions! I’ve been to Charleston, DC, and New Orleans. Time and money may be a consideration so I’m thinking Nashville might be a great option!

  3. I’m looking for a pair of flat (or very low heel) tan or brown booties. Mainly for casual use but would ideally like something that can be dressed up. Budget around $200 or less. Any suggestions?

    1. I love Clarks for boots. I don’t have specific styles to suggest offhand but all their boots are really comfortable but still stylish.

    2. I really love Antelope brand for booties. They tend to be on the more casual side, but they are extremely comfortable and a really nice quality for the price.

    3. I Love my Sam Edelman Petty boots in putty, but they come in a ton of colors. Very low heel (I consider them basically flat), super comfortable to walk in, and easy to dress up or down. They go with almost everything and have held up really well. I have one pair going on 3-4 years of pretty heavy use and with refreshing from the cobbler a couple of times, they look almost new still.

      1. Seconded. I also love their Pacific Wrap Around but is hard to find/maybe discontinued? I got at Nordstrom a few years ago.

  4. I need to update my spring wardrobe, hopefully something like my winter uniform which is Betabrand workplace bootcut yoga pants and Bobeau wrap cardigans. I work in a super casual workplace and dresses won’t work.

    I was thinking slim crop pants, wedges and I need some shirt ideas. Button ups do NOT work for me, I’m too curvy. Any suggestions? Links?

    If I find something I like I’ll buy multiples so I don’t have to think about what to wear.

    1. I’d do a bunch of silky shells and 3/4 sleeve cardigans. I am a talbots fangirl. I am petite and busty and their stuff fits me well.

      1. Halogen 3/4 sleeve cardigans are my favorite. There are a ton of colors and they hold up great.

        1. I got a halogen 3/4 sleeve cardigan, laundered it carefully and was not happy with how it held up. What’s your secret?

          1. I have no idea! I’m the least careful person with my laundry. I was everything in my apartment building’s washers with warm water and throw it all in the dryer on medium heat. I hope they haven’t changed something!

          2. I have bought two in two different colors… both pilled terribly after one cold wash and two (gentle wears). I’m very careful with my clothes and mine tend to last a long time. The cardigans also get wrinkles that even ironing doesn’t always get rid of (and who wants to iron a cardigan?).

            I think different colors and/or fabric lots might have different fabric content, which could explain the issue.

    2. For tops, I have a lot of sleeveless patterned knit tops that I wear with a cardigan or knit blazer. I’ve found a good selection when shopping at Macys online from brands like Kasper and Nine West.

    3. I’d try the Boden Ravello top. The normal one doesn’t look right on me because I’m too busty but they also have a v-neck one that I haven’t tried yet. I really like the fabric and there are some fun patterns.

      1. Amazing and wonderful. Stretchy in every direction but heavy material that stays in pleats. They look professional (I wear them every day with ankle boots) but no one has ever guessed how comfortable I am. Last Friday I was getting on a plane with my coworker and he said “Look at you all dressed up just to fly home” I was wearing the above wrap sweater and these pants. I have two pairs of the black and one of the gray. I don’t love the color of the gray but I’m also not a big fan of change

        https://www.betabrand.com/womens-gray-boot-cut-dress-pant-yoga-pants.html?utm_source=google_shopping&gclid=CIiOi6zys8sCFQ-oaQodhusHwg

      2. I am wearing mine today! Well, one of the three pairs I own. Can’t say enough about how well they hold up, how easy they are to wash, and how mice they look, even at the end of a 12 hour day.

    5. Gap has these awesome pants out for spring, I think they’re called “slim cropped pants”, they’re cotton and casual but still nice looking and really comfortable. I bought 3 pairs for my super casual workplace.

      1. I LOVE the gap slim crop pants- especially in their winterier poly blend, which has a lot of stretch to it. Just DONT put them in the dryer- they shrink quite a bit.

      2. As far as ponte black work dresses go, the classiques entier v neck one is my favorite- I’m 5’9 and hippy, and it fits flawlessly, without looking dowdy or like a “body con” dress. Worth every penny.

    6. Do you find the Betabrand pants are too warm in the spring? I’m intrigued by the concept but they don’t look breathable.

      1. They are breathable, but the fabric is heavy. I’m planning to transition out of them for spring I think.

      2. I live in a super hot climate, and plan to wear them until I abandon pants for dresses at the peak of summer. I think they are super breathable.

  5. What do y’all think about Obama missing the funerals for Scalia and now Nancy Reagan? Is there some defense I’m missing, or do people just not care?

    1. I don’t know about Nancy Reagan but the Obamas went to pay their respects to Scalia at the Supreme Court on the Friday before the funeral when he lay in state there. I don’t know why they didn’t go to the funeral itself, but it seems hard to construe as a deliberate snub given that. Sitting presidents often don’t go to the funerals of Supreme Court justices; it’s not uncommon at all.

    2. There’s actually mixed precedent on a president going to a former first lady’s funeral. President Clinton didn’t go to Pat Nixon’s funeral in 93, but he did go to Jackie O’s a year later. President Bush didn’t go to Lady Bird Johnson’s funeral in 2007 (even though it was in his home state of Texas and he didn’t have any events scheduled for that day).

      I personally think that it would have been a nice gesture, but I don’t think that it’s a huge snub or anything.

    3. I assumed he was busy. I don’t see why attending a first lady’s funeral would be a priority.

    4. I don’t mind. He’s the president and I assume has much more important things on his plate. His presence at functions like funerals would be a honor to the deceased individual and their families, but it’s not actually accomplishing anything in my view. If I learned he was playing basketball or watching cartoons instead of attending that would be differen.

      1. What if you learned he was going to a film and music festival (what he is actually doing)?

        1. Still don’t care at all. Scalia hated him, Nancy Regan wasn’t a politician, and he steals the spotlight.

          But if you want reasons to dislike him feel free to run with this!!

        2. Plus a fundraiser in Dallas. We’re all super pumped for the traffic snarls. Start a GoFundMe next time.

        3. He is going to SXSW, which is technically a collection of festivals – one about music, one about tech, one about film. He’s going because of the tech focus.

          It’s not like he’s going there to check out the hot new bands. Please, please, please think/check your facts before you type. It is so easy to sit back and hurl insults/accusations at someone that you disagree with politically, and it is so damaging to our political discourse.

          4. The comment seemed to imply he chose to do something fun and frivolous instead of pay his respects.

        4. Wait, the president is required to go to the funeral of the wife of a man who was president 8 terms ago? Does he have to go to the funeral of every public figure?

          Ooooooooooo look at that uppity black man, being so “disrespectful” and going to a music festival. #dogwhistle

          1. +1000. The man cannot win, whatever he does. Except elections. He won those.

          3. Oh give me a break. Someone can’t have a complaint about him without it being based on race?

          4. Seriously? I don’t think it’s a snub, but I don’t think other people’s concerns are always about race.

          5. Yes, seriously, and no, I won’t give you a break. Sometimes racism can be *subtle.* A concern doesn’t have to be *about* race or *based on* for race to have had a role in shaping that concern. Obama is criticized for things that NO white president would be critiqued for and criticized in a manner that no white president would be critiqued for. If you can’t see that after 7 years, than I can’t help you. Especially where this criticism is about him being “disrespectful,” which is such a classic subtle way for majorities to imply that minorities don’t know their “place.”

          6. anon :
            03/09/2016 at 1:38 pm – You’re pretty pathetic. Oh, wait, is that a dogwhistle that makes me racist?

        5. Actually he is keynoting the technology part of the conference, not attending a concert

    5. I think there are always complex security concerns too. Not insurmountable but worth acknowledging. You only want so man people in the chain of command at the same place on the same day.

      1. This. It’s actually extremely disruptive to have the President attend something because the Secret Service does so much prep for the location. So, the family or church might not want to have to deal with all of that. I think the President paying respects to Scalia at the Court (which is already a heavily protected and contained venue) was much less disruptive than if he went to the funeral and the Basilica (and the Secret Service would have to screen the whole church and anyone who came in). President Clinton visited an elementary school in my hometown and they had to close the school for a few days so the Secret Service could contain it and rifle through EVERYTHING. I bet it’s even worse now.

        1. President Clinton spoke at my brother’s college graduation, which basically meant my grandfather couldn’t come because at age 83 he wasn’t up to waiting in a 2-3 hour line for security. (Still exciting though.)

          1. Good choice. I took my aging parents that both have physical limitations to see President Obama speak. I only took them because it was advertised as handicap friendly and I called first and was assured there would be handicapped access with priority lines or places to sit while in lines, transportation, etc. It turned out to be not at all handicap friendly and we figured it out too late to really get out of it.

            There was a required secure parking area and then everyone had to wait in long lines to get on busses to go to another area with long lines to get into the venue. The lines for the handicap transportation (golf carts) were just as long as some of the regular lines and there were no seats for the people in those lines. I tried to hire a town car after the event to take us back to our car because my parents just couldn’t keep standing and my mom wouldn’t be able to get back up if she sat on the ground. Cars weren’t being let in to pick people up and no on would tell us how far we would have to walk outside the secure area to get a car or how close to our secure parking a hired car would be allowed to take us. It was a total cluster.

            Luckily, people in local businesses were really sympathetic and were bringing out chairs and water and snacks to all the elderly and handicap people that had no proper place to wait. We weren’t allowed to bring food or water into the event either so no one had emergency provisions with them.

            My parents were very glad to see a president speak in their lifetime. Actually, the president, first lady, VP, and second lady (?) all spoke. I was surprised they would have all of these people in one location. Though they were glad to see it once, they said they would never go to anything like it again. Even being able bodied, I don’t think I would want to either.

    6. Can you help me understand why you feel like this is a big deal? I ask because I wouldn’t even consider this something that requires a defense – presidential scheduling is likely a nightmare, having the president attend means lots of security complexity, and the focus of a funeral should be the deceased (which the presence of a sitting president would detract from). As others have pointed out, W didn’t attend Lady Bird Johnson’s funeral, and she was actually from his (alleged) home state.

    7. I don’t get all this obsession about paying respects to Scalia. Funerals are for friends and family, and when it comes to controversial figures like Scalia, who cares which public officials go? I would judge Obama MORE for going than not – it would obviously just be for PR points, not because they agreed on values or were close friends. Plus, just because a man died doesn’t mean everyone in the whole world has to mourn. He certainly was no friend of mine (or of women in general). Save funerals for family.

    8. So I voted for Obama both times, am a proud democrat, and I was disappointed that he didn’t go to Scalia’s funeral. I know there was no love between them, but Scalia was an important figure in the legal world and I think it would have some important inroads if he had attended. Even if there wasn’t longstanding precedent one way or the other, I just think it would have been a kind gesture, particularly in this era of incredible partisanship. Of course, if Scalia’s family told him not to come or if he felt he wouldn’t be welcome, I understand why he didn’t attend.

      I was also really disgusted by how many of my fellow liberals were rejoicing on FB after Scalia died. Yeah, I didn’t agree with much of what he said either, but he was a legal giant, a husband, a father, a grandfather, and was loved by many, even by those who didn’t share his opinions (like RBG). Have some basic decency for your fellow mankind.

      And after Nancy Reagan died, some idiot on FB posted — does this mean we get a federal holiday? I mean, really? A 94 year old first lady passed and that’s the only thing you can say?

      I feel really sad for the lack of civility these days, on both sides. It didn’t used to be this bad. I wonder if we can ever return to an age where people can disagree fervently and yet still be kind towards one another.

      2. I fully agree with you about liberals rejoicing on Facebook. I found it disgusting and I am also a Democrat who voted for Obama twice and despised Scalia’s values. But he was a human being who left behind a wife and kids, and unless someone is truly evil I don’t think it’s appropriate to rejoice in their death. People who were crowing about Scalia being dead were comparing him to Hitler or Bin Laden, which is patently absurd. Btw, I think his friendship with RBG speaks very highly of both of them as people.

        But I disagree that it was inappropriate for Obama to skip the public funeral. He and Michelle paid respects beforehand at a more private viewing, and I believe historically sitting presidents skip public funerals of Supreme Court justices quite often, maybe more often than not. Maybe I am naive but I don’t believe he skipped the funeral out of an attempt to slight Scalia’s family or because he would rather do something else, I truly believe he felt it would more appropriate to pay his respects in the more intimate setting and that his presence at the large funeral would have been a distraction. I heard he was playing golf and if that’s true, I agree the optics of that don’t look good and I think it would have been more appropriate to stay home or do some official business. But I think his heart was in the right place.

      3. At this point, I don’t think Obama is required to make “kind gestures” in the face of partisanship. He has made more than a few and has been consistently rebuffed.

        1. I wonder if, had he went, people would say his attendance was just a PR move and there’s no way he actually cared. The man can’t win.

      4. “Have some basic decency for your fellow mankind.”

        Lol, sure, because Scalia showed basic human decency to anyone who wasn’t a straight, white, pro-life catholic male (I am being sarcastic).

        “Liberals” weren’t rejoicing that he died. They were rejoicing that he is off the bench and thus cannot do any more harm.

        “Btw, I think his friendship with RBG speaks very highly of both of them as people.”

        Please. Color me unimpressed. How you treat the people who are below you is a lot more telling than how you treat your colleagues and people who are above you.

        1. Plenty of people on my Facebook newsfeed said point blank “I’m glad Scalia is dead.” I agree there is a distinction between celebrating death and celebrating that he is off the bench (though I would argue that the latter is inappropriate in light of the way he left the bench; had he retired I would have no problems with people rejoicing).

          And these two sentences contradict each other: “Lol, sure, because Scalia showed basic human decency to anyone who wasn’t a straight, white, pro-life catholic male (I am being sarcastic).” and “‘Btw, I think his friendship with RBG speaks very highly of both of them as people.’ Please. Color me unimpressed.”
          I’m pretty sure RBG would say he showed basic human decency to her. He also had a close relationship with Elena Kagan and took her hunting. I appreciate your point that being kind to his colleagues who are not straight, white, pro-life Catholic males is not the same thing as treating everyone well, but by all accounts he really was a warm, engaging person. You can vehemently disagree with someone’s views and still think they are a good person.

    9. For the Scalia funeral, I read something indicating that the family’s preference was that the President not attend the funeral. It didn’t say why, but I assume the added security, distraction, etc. of the President’s presence were factors.

    11. Apparently the protocol is that First Ladies attend First Ladies’ funerals. Not the President.

  6. Is there any solution to the last name problem for women? My husband and I had another fight yesterday (to celebrate International Women’s Day) about what last name to give our child. Suffice it to say that my family name is very important to me, his family name is very important to him, and neither of us wants to give up our name. When we got married, we talked about it and agreed to both start using both our last names, hyphenated. He reneged at the last minute (forms were filled out, ready for mailing), so we now both go by our respective last names only.

    As I see it, my options are to give our child:

    – Husband’s last name;
    – My last name;
    – My last name if it’s one sex, husband’s last name if it’s the other sex;
    – Both last names hyphenated.

    I do have reservations about hyphenated last names because they are unruly and impractical, and I really want to just go nuclear and insist that my child is named after me without compromise the way that so many children have been named after their fathers without compromise.

    Are there other options I’ve missed? How have y’all handled this or plan to handle it?

    1. Are either of your last names something that could be used as a first name? People do that in the south all the time. Take the mom’s maiden name and make it the son’s first name. Are you actually pregnant or is this hypothetical?

      1. People do this, but it’s always been a little weird to me, because they’re usually pretty awkward for first names (at least all the ones I’ve known).

      2. We are TTC. Regarding the last-name-as-first-name option, but it’s not really an option for me because my sister has already done it so our children would end up having the same first name.

        1. So?

          It’s not like its copyrighted.

          My name is unique for a girl (now, not 100 years ago) — e.g., Mabel. My sister married someone with a mother and grandmother named . . . Mabel. I told her not to take my name (she didn’t), but if she had, I would have used Mabel on my own anyway.

          1. In large families (think Roman Catholic no birth control every girl named Mary) it’s normal for cousins to have the same name, but in smaller families it’s weird.

          2. Every girls isn’t named Mary.

            It’s Mary Patricia and Mary Anne and Mary Kathleen and Mary Catherine and Mary Alice.

            Double naming ain’t just a southern thing.

            Signed,
            Mary Margaret

          3. Seriously? No. You can’t name your later-born child the same name as your sibling’s kid.

            My MIL and her brother’s wife were pregnant at the same time. MIL found out the sex and announced the name first. BIL and wife chose not to find out the sex until birth. BIL’s wife gave birth first, the baby was a boy, and they used the name MIL already announced she and FIL had selected for DH. BIL’s wife insisted that MIL had to pick a different name and MIL refused because she picked it first. This unleashed a feud in the family that persists to this day. They’re not exactly not on speaking terms, but there is definitely tension. For example, neither side of the feud refers to the other’s child as FirstName; it’s First Middle. BIL’s wife has been cut out of women-centered family traditions like sharing family recipes, being permitted to provide side dishes for family gatherings, hosting family gatherings, attending showers, etc.

          4. So my dad’s name is James. My husband has a nephew named Jimmy (does not go by James). Do I not get to use James for my future son (pg now, don’t know gender). It is a huge family name on my side (father, grandfather) and I have no brothers. All my life I’ve thought about having a son (named James) and a daughter (with about 4 names b/c I can’t decide).

            Cousins can’t have the same name? That is crazypants. Esp. with boys, where there seem to be 10 names that don’t look made-up / elvish (Kyler?!? Typtyn???).

            FWIW, I think that James and Jimmy are different-enough to count as different even though they are the same. I could see that if really wanted Thomasina for a girl and your loathsome SIL took it AFTER you said that was YOUR name, you’d hate her (but you’d probably have hated her anyway). I seriously think that the adults need to get over it — everyone gets to pick from scratch, not just from the leftovers.

          5. Not the recipe share! ::pearl clutch::

            Seriously, yes you can use the same name. People need to stop being so precious about names as if they’re protected IP, and rather think of them like something posted on Pinterest–going to be copied ad nauseam.

          6. My children have a first cousin who lives 12 hours away and we see once a year. I’m not close with his mother and I wasn’t in the family when the cousin was born. Let’s call him Edward, but he is always and only called Eddie b/c his dad is also Edward (called Edward).

            Can I not use the name Edward (and call him Ted), since my father is Edward (called Robert, his middle name, WTF but they are southern) and my grandfather was also Edward (called Ted)? I would maybe get it if we all lived in the same small town, but we don’t. He’s also a fair amount older, so it’s not like they’d be in the same classes, etc. I just don’t think it would be weird.

            Weird would be if my husband, Alexander had a child “Alex” with wife #1 and then I had a son and demanded to call him “Alex” also. I saw that at court once.

        2. I agree with Anonymous at 11:37. My uncle named his later-born son the same name as my aunt’s son. There is no famiy feud over it, and older cousin goes by a nickname anyway, but I have never thought that was cool, even when we were little kids.

          1. Yup – my grandmother and her sister both had daughters named Louise. I didn’t even notice until I was a grown up. And when I mentioned it to my mom (the 2 girls being her sister and first cousin) she said she hadn’t noticed either. I think there is a priority on uniqueness of names that is relatively new.

        3. Lol, obviously I know that it is possible for me and my sister to have a child with the same name, but I think it’s pretty reasonable that it’s not my preference.

      3. One of my friends gave her son her last name as a first name. Since she kept her last name, when people met her and her son, they would kind of do a double take about his name, not realizing he had a different last name. But her son is grown now and I don’t think it’s been a huge issue.

    2. The third option seems like a nice compromise if you both have strong feelings about it and don’t like hyphenated names (I don’t personally have a problem with them). I know a family who did that and it worked out well.

    3. My husband and I agreed, before marriage to each keep our own names, and to name our children the last name of the same-gender parent. So girls would get my name and boys would get his.

      Then when we were deciding to TTC he changed his mind and said it would be very difficult for him not to have children with his last name (um, for me too buddy!).

      We “compromised” by hypthenating their last names.

      Not ideal, but I can live with it.

    4. 2 other options I have seen people do:

      1) All members of the family drop their middle name (parents too) and make the mother’s maiden name their middle name and then the father’s last name is everyone’s last name. So Let’s say your name was Elizabeth Sue Smith and you married Steve Clark Jones. You would marry and you would be Elizabeth Smith Jones and your husband would be Steve Smith Jones and your kids would be Sally Smith Jones. This of course could be reversed and husband’s last name could be the middle name etc.

      2) You make a new combo name. Taking parts of each name and making a new last name. Example: Draper + Jones becomes Drones.

      But yes none of the options are great. I also attended a wedding where they rolled a dice and decided their name at the ceremony:
      1- Keep their last names (no change)
      2- Switch last names
      3- His last name
      4- Her last name
      5- New last name (created by wedding guests)
      6- Hypen name

        1. I suppose in some ways the trend of maiden name as middle is progress but to me it always seems like a b-list solution. As though the woman is saying “ok, i don’t want to totally give up my identity so I will keep my last name as a middle but obviously my husband’s name is more important so that will be the actual last name.” I realize that’s not how most women would frame it, but I’ll believe it when I see men give up their actual middle names to take either their own or at least their wives’ name as middle.

          I think the only people to figure out a workable solution are the Spanish.

          1. But even the Spanish eventually stop dropping names. You can’t have 12 hyphens.

        2. Yes for the example I gave, but I also said it could be reversed and Dad’s last name is the middle name and Mom’s last name is everyone’s last name. I know its not ideal!

      2. My husband and I made up a new combo name. It has its pluses and minuses. On the plus side, we don’t have the automatic deference to the man’s last name, and my husband and I equally share the burden of explaining our LO’s last name. On the minus side, none of us have the same last name (this is only a slight negative, but I was surprised that it was actually a negative at all for me since I liked the idea of the combo last name). Neither of us were interested in changing our last name, but not because we’re particularly attached to our names.

        I think his parents care, but he and I don’t care about that. People will be surprised that you can do this, and you might have to explain your reasoning to others (if you choose to).

        1. I think the combo also is a great idea, depending on the original names, of course. I know a couple that has done this for their two children, whose last name is a mash-up of the parents’ last name. Think Smith and Stein are the parents, the kids are both Smithstein, no hyphen.

      4. The only solution, as I see it, is to realize that this isn’t something that you should spend this much energy on. At the end of the day, it’s just a name.

        I took my husband’s last name because his family is more traditional and I thought it would be a nice nod to them to take his name. I am still the primary breadwinner in my relationship and make most of the key decisions. My husband is a wonderful hands-on father who does at least 50% of the parenting and housework. I am a liberated, strong, independent woman who also happens to share her husband’s last name.

        I know that you could say the same thing to him – why does he care so much about his name? And yes, one of you will have to capitulate. But is it really worth relationship angst?

        1. But the reality is that if a woman “gives in”, it means that she takes his name. If a man “gives in”, the woman keeps her own name. In neither situation does it impact the man’s last name, so there really isn’t an equal argument to be made on both sides. It’s YOUR name, YOU decide which to take. Husband will adjust. I can’t believe there are still Neanderthals that will pitch a fit over this issue.

    5. My child ended up with my husband’s last name, but both of my last names as middle names (I have both my parents’ last names, unhyphenated, which has been a slight hassle for me). We’re going to do the same set up with any future children. I don’t love that the kid has my husband’s name, but I didn’t really like having to deal with two last names myself.

      1. Some friends created a new name out of their maternal grandmothers’ names and each took it as a middle name, keeping their own last name but going by NewMiddle OldLast used together. They then gave NewMiddle as a last name to their kids. It works surprisingly well.

    6. It is very inconvenient to have a child whose legal last name is different from yours. If you are the default parent and the kid is only going to have one last name and you are opposed to taking your husband’s last name, then your child should be named

      Firstname Dadlastname Momlastname

      Where Dadlastname is legally the child’s middle name.

      1. Has it been inconvenient for you? I asked my mom this before naming our child, because she has a different last name than I do, and she said it was never an issue once in my entire childhood, including school registration, international travel, etc. It hasn’t been an issue with our son, either.

      2. I have a different last name from both my parents (hyphenated) and it has literally never been an issue. I have a ton of friends whose mothers kept their maiden names, but who have their fathers’ last names themselves, and I have literally never heard any of them mention an issue with that.

      3. My son and I have different last names and we’ve never had a problem. We’ve travelled the world and have never had a single problem. It’s 2016, this is commonplace.

        1. Not only that, this is such an American problem (although I can’t speak for Europeans, maybe a European problem, too). Nobody changes their names around the world – the name you get is the name you get! The end.

      4. It was a problem for my mother when I was born (late 1970s) but by the time my sister came around (1980) there was no issue or raised eyebrow (at least in NJ).

      5. I don’t see it as a problem. 21-y-o son has my last name. (Reasons: my name is easier to pronounce and spell than his dad’s, there are kids on ex’s side with that last name but none on my side with my name and, you know, smash the patriarchy.) Ex-H never had any problems at school, doctor’s offices, whatever. Son said recently he has considered changing his name to make his dad’s last name his middle; totally cool with us, it’s his choice.

      6. This is some kind of urban legend. I have never met anyone for whom this has ever been an issue. In my area, women keep their names after marriage and children have either a double last name or the father’s last name.

      7. I kept my birth name and both of my children have their father’s name. It is not “very inconvenient” or even a little bit inconvenient for us to have different last names. It is very common in my community. I have friends who have two boys, one with her name and one with his. Sometimes people don’t immediately realize they are brothers, but the boys (now in their teens) don’t mind that.

      8. No, it’s really not at all inconvenient. I remarried and took my new husband’s last name and my son kept his dad’s name. It wasn’t an issue at all, beyond sometimes having to correct people who assumed we had the same name.

        If I had it to do over again I’d give each child the surname of the same-sex parent.

      9. It’s not inconvenient but it did really bother me as a kid that my mom had a different last name. People asked me all the time if my parents were divorced and people (including teachers) told me my mom was weird for keeping her name. This was almost 30 years ago in the Midwest, so obviously women keeping their maiden names was much rarer than it is now. But it bothered me so much, it’s the primary reason I changed my name when we got married. Not particularly feminist, I know, but it’s really important to me that we all have the same last name.

        1. I had the opposite experience. My mom didn’t change her name and I was always really proud of her for that!

      10. I think I’m a good example of just how complicated this isn’t! My husband and I have different nationalities, kid 1 has my name, kid 2 has his. We’ve traveled extensively and it’s never once been an issue, we just bring along birth certificates in case it’s a problem. Schools are very used to this situation– I used to be a teacher, and probably 1/3 of my students had different last names from one or both parents or their siblings. You simply check their record before assuming anyone’s name, which should be done anyway.

      11. My son has a different last name than mine (his father’s/my husband’s) and it has never been an issue – international travel without his father and all.

      12. In four years, this has never been an issue for us. My husband and I each kept our birth names. Our child has a hyphenated last name: Profmama-Profdaddy. We’ve traveled domestically & internationally with no issues.

        It is a slight challenge to get schools to accept that the child’s last name is hyphenated, and not just drop the first part of the name – esp. since she has a long first name. Just requires reminding them what her name is. No biggie.

      13. My daughter has her dad/my ex’s last name, I have mine and my husband has his. We never had an issue, except when people would refer to my husband as Mr. My ex’s last name lol.

    7. I have a hyphenated last name, which was the best my parents could have done in their particular situation. It’s long, but it’s not “unruly or impractical” in my day-to-day life (granted I have two-syllable, easy-to-spell, very straightforward last names; my feelings might be different if they were more complicated)–I actually feel like it gives me some gravitas in formal communications. I would have zero qualms about hyphenating my own hypothetical future kids’ last names from that standpoint.

      However, I do kind of feel sometimes like my parents passed the stress-buck right down the line to me. My feminist soul rages at the thought of my hypothetical future children having my SO’s last name only, even though he has a clean and very elegant last name. I’d be gestating and birthing the freaking things–no way do they not get my names. But there’s no way to do that, short of some triple-barrelled monstrosity; I can’t even give them my last names as middle names, unless I want to stick them with double middle names (using one of my last names and not the other would start WWIII in my family; I don’t want to preference one of my parents above the other that way, for family dynamics and also I just would feel gross about it). Neither of my last names would work as a first name. AND ALSO why does the man automatically get the last name, and the woman gets relegated to the freaking middle name JV squad?

      I love my BF to the moon and back, but I’m anticipating major struggles on this one. I expect [his last as middle] [my first last-my second last] is a non-starter, even though that would be a freaking awesome name. I will be watching this thread with interest.

      1. I look at it the other way. I get to birth the child as my special connection, he gets the last name.

        1. I have a far better last name than Mr. Kitten, so I plan to name our kittens with my last name, and one of my strong arguments is that if I undertake pregnancy and childbirth I should get to name the child. (We’ve discussed and he agreed, though he may backtrack a bit when the kitten is no longer hypothetical).

      2. emeralds, I didn’t mention above, but my own last name is hyphenated.

        When we agreed (each reluctantly) to hyphenate our children’s last names, we went with firstpartofmylastname-his last name.

      3. Great point, emeralds. We did consider that giving our children our two last names would be (potentially) creating a quandary for them if/ when they have children. We figured that 1) it could well be a moot point, if they didn’t end up having children; 2) maybe there’ll be a new societal naming convention about it 20/ 30 years from now (ok we are optimists); and 3) they’ll be adults by then, and better suited to make the decision for themselves and their own children. We definitely won’t throw fits or fight WWIII if the children drop one of their names later, although I imagine we would feel hurt privately. I’m interested to know what you + your bf ultimately do, Emeralds, so I can share it with my daughters if it comes up for them.

        1. I am also interested to see what we do, if we end up having kids! Part of me is willing to chuck it all and just go with his last name to avoid the drama, but then I haaaate the patriarchy, so. My parents have actively despised each other since before my birth (they were never married); my dad is big on family heritage and would be crushed/furious if I dropped his name for kids after having kept my maiden name, since I’m the only child, and would be the WWIII initiator; my mom wouldn’t throw a fit but would be very hurt privately, and I would feel awful dropping her name solely because I know she wouldn’t kick up a public fuss about it. I’m closer with my mom for a lot of reasons, but both of my parents have been involved in my whole life, and I’m not closer with one side of the family than with the other. So I do have an unusually complex situation with more name-related baggage than most hyphenated kids, if it makes you feel better.

          1. I think Baby Emeralds needs an altogether new last name, not linked to anybody’s last name.

      4. Sorry, emeralds, what I meant by “unruly and impractical” is that the practice of hyphenating is not sustainable because after a few generations you’d be looking at insane 12-name last names. As you say I don’t want to pass on the problem to my kids because my husband and I would prefer to avoid dealing with the casual sexism of naming wives and children after their husbands and fathers.

        1. Totally get that. But at the same time, what are the other options that work for both of you? I have an usually sticky situation so I think I’m a bit of an outlier, and like I said above, I’d have no qualms about hyphenating my kids’ last names absent my weird specifics.

    8. I think hyphenating (or 2 last names no hyphen) makes sense for you. It seems like the only thing that makes everyone equally happy. I also don’t think hyphenated names are unwieldy. The gender split for kids seems problematic. If siblings have different last names, people will probably assume they are half-sibs. This isn’t a problem really but might bother you or husband if others assume one child isnt his? Also if you have 2 boys, none of the kids will have your last name. Would that bother you? What about your husband if 2 girls?

      I changed my last name and kept my maiden as middle. Our son has my maiden as middle and husband’s last. I would have hyphenated but both last names require spelling out loud and I thought it would be too much. If either name was like Smith/Jones/Williams, I would definitely have hyphenated.

      1. Truthfully, I’d be okay with having no children named after me if I had only boys. Something about leaving it to chance makes it easier. I hadn’t thought about the half-sibling aspect, but there is already no way that our whole family will have the same name, so there would always be some aspect of people questioning who belong to who.

        1. I have a friend who’s family did this, but they assigned last name by gender for the first kid (girl = mom’s, boy = dad’s) and for the second kid, regardless of gender, the second kid took the other parent’s name. They had two girls, and the first has her mom’s last name and the second has her dad’s. So that’s another option.

          1. Hah, this is EXACTLY what husband and I did! :-) I’ve never heard of anybody else who did this. Of course, it means that it’s only numerically “fair” if you have an even number of children.

    9. The way I see it, my last name is only my dad’s name anyway. Would I rather my kids have a name from their dad or their grandfather?
      (All totally theoretical at this point and I shall probably always keep my maiden surname not least for my creative work)

      1. We actually considered giving our son a hyphenated last name of his maternal grandmothers’ last names. Eventually decided against it because neither of us has those names, but it would’ve been a cool name.

      2. Yes, but if we all keep doing that then it will always be a choice between a dad’s name and a grandfather’s name.

      3. You may see it that way but plenty of women view their names as their own, regardless of how they got them. I’m not sure why a woman’s name is “just” her father’s but a man’s is his.

        2. This x 1000. My name is mine because I was born with it. Doesn’t matter where it came from.

      4. I like my husband’s father a heck of a lot more than my own father, so I was happy to take the name my husband got from his father.

      5. Why are women’s name “only” their father’s name, but men’s names are “theirs”? This argument bothers me to no end, because it assumes women don’t have their own name. They do. It’s the one the were born with or chose.

      6. My last name is actually my mom’s – which makes that standard security question great.

        I’m not sure what I will do for my future children. I’m over 30 and can’t see changing my name if I get married at this point (and I’m someone who would have probably taken my husband’s name if I got married before age 25/27). But I also want to have the same name as my children …

    10. I mean no shade here, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a “problem.” I understand having strong feelings about this (I feel strongly about it), but it’s only a problem if you and your spouse can’t agree. Have you all dealt with his change of heart on the earlier plan? People can change their minds in good faith, and that is fine, but it sounds like it might have generated some resentment. (Again, no judgement–Id likely have the same reaction as you.). There is a path forward here!

      My experience: both my children have both our last names (not hyphenated), so it is “daughter Smith Jones.” In my experience, it is absolutely not a big deal, or a hassle, or confusing to anyone in the 11 years since we named the first one. My husbands name is 3 syllables and a little unusual, mine is 2 syllables and very common. We carefully chose first names that went well with the My Last His Last combo.
      Like you, our last names are important to each of us, and we never considered giving up our own to use the other person’s name. We came to the solution on the children’s names pretty quickly as a compromise, because, like you, we both wanted them to have our own names. It has worked out well, and I like that the children’s names create our family team name–they’re the bridge between us. Anyway, good luck!

      1. Regretfully, it is a problem for me because my husband and I don’t agree. My husband would agree to Firstname Mylastname Hislastname in a second, but that’s not good enough for me, because I think it telegraphs as my last name being used as a middle name and his last name being used as the last name. Which is exactly why he would agree to it, but would not agree to Firstname Hislastname Mylastname.

        1. If you and your husband are struggling so much even with the name….what is it going to be like actually raising the kid?

    11. I also have a friend who made a new last name for her children. it is a combination of her and her husband’s last names.
      Not this, but the general idea:

      Stratford and Bielman; children could be Stratman or Bielford.

      My jurisdiction does not allow this on the original birth registration, they had to legally change the names to this as each of their 3 children were born, or they waited until they were done having kids (the 3 children are all 2 years or less apart).

      1. I just posted a similar comment above. I really like this idea (but too late for me, and my name and ex’s would have been terrible mashed-up, anyway).

    12. I’m hyphenated, my parents kept their last names, and the biggest issue I have encountered with it is having too many characters in my last name to fit in the boxes on the PSAT. My name is legally different from both of them but it is very obvious what is going on from the hyphenation. I honestly cannot think of a (generous) reason why people who aren’t hyphenated or haven’t hyphenated their kids think it’s such a big pain. It just isn’t. If/when my siblings and I get married and have kids we will figure out a solution, and it will be fine. My parents also considered smooshing their names together but couldn’t come up with something they both liked – but if you hate the idea of hyphenating maybe you could do this? In addition to combining syllables from each name they also thought about finding a word that included the meaning of both of their last names.
      My perspective as a hyphenated adult is that I really like having both of their names and appreciate the public statement my parents made about their marriage in making that choice (which was very much reflected in the relationship they modeled to us at home).

    13. Neither of my parents changed their names when they got married, and I have a hyphenated surname. I have found my name to be neither unwieldy nor impractical.

      My fiancé also had two surnames because he is Hispanic. Normally, under his culture’s rules, each parent gives their paternal surname to the child. We decided that the system of each giving one surname was great, but the patriarchal rule was not. So we decided to just pick our preferred surname, which for both of us happens to be our mothers’.

      So our children will have a double surname made up of our maternal surnames. And, in the English-speaking world, I do find it easier for people to understand if the surnames are hyphenated. Apart from the odd online reservation system which doesn’t like hyphens!

      2. We are Hispanic and did something similar. We did not hyphen our children’s names and have always had both names used (so it hasn’t been that one was treated more as a middle name.)

    14. Seems to me that he already agreed to give the kids the hyphenated last name. Yes, he could reneg on changing his last name, and you guys are each perfectly w/in your right to have kept your last names, but I’d say that initial agreement to use hyphens should still hold for the naming of the kids. Not fair to reneg on something like that down the road in engagement headed towards marriage – it’s a bit manipulative b/c of the timing of when he reneged.

    15. My husband and I both kept our names. Assume mine is O’Donnell and his is Schwartz – in other words, they don’t ethnically match at all. Our baby is going to be Something O’Donnell Schwartz with O’Donnell as a middle. The only other option we considered is becoming the O’Schwartzs, which we both like but his family thinks is a nightmare. We could both keep practicing under “our” names but then we’d have a matching family name. I’m pretty sure we’re going to end up with my name as a middle name, which I don’t love but can definitely live with.

      1. Kids with non-ethnically matching names like this or like ‘Jesús Smith’ or ‘Fiona Nguyen’ make me really happy about the future of the world. I don’t know if that’s silly?

        1. Us too. I have a really Irish name (think Mary Bridget O’Donnell) and we’re probably going to give the baby an Irish first name and we’re just fine with that. :)

      2. Hah! When the dude and I eloped, we referred to it as the O’Schmidt nuptials — My surname is distinctly Irish and his is…not.

    16. I plan to give my kids my last name as a middle name and my husband’s last name as their last name. The order is because his is easier to spell, and also I don’t really love his last name and see no reason to acquire it for myself.

    17. Pick one and go with it. I don’t see an easy way to resolve this: I agree that a hyphenated name would be a bad choice, and so it will be one of your last names. If neither of you will budge, I would agree to flip a coin and then accept the results.

      It’s not a pretty solution, but it seems like the bigger thing here is that you and DH need to make a decision and then come to terms with it, rather than let this impact your relationship.

      I would also suggest using the other last name as a middle name.

      I get why this is so important. But try keep it in perspective.

      1. Good point. It’s absolutely not a deal breaker issues, but I am frustrated with the available choices and wanted to hear how others have handled it :)

    18. One more choice (if you have names that lend themselves to this): come up with a combined version of your names that isn’t hyphenated. We did this. For example, say I’m Jane Westville and my husband is John Smith. Our kids have the last name Smithville. (FWIW, although these are not our real names, it’s the pattern we chose: husband’s one-syllable last name + last syllable of my multisyllabic last name). The result clearly connects the kids to both of us, but doesn’t feel at all unwieldy as a name in its own right.

      1. And also – we thought about hyphenating, which we have no issue with in theory, but I have a long last name already. It barely fits on most standardized forms, so hyphenating our names would produce something that is actually unwieldy. For people with shorter names, hyphenating seems like a fine solution.

    19. To throw out one other option – I had a friend in high school who was first name her name his name, and his brother was first name his name her name. At age 7, they each got to decide whether to stick with what they had or switch, and both ended up sticking with what they had. It was a little confusing (to me) because we all knew they were brothers but their monogrammed backpacks showed the initials flipped, but obviously it wasn’t that big of a deal.

    20. I would hyphenate in a heartbeat. We didn’t – I just gave the kids my husband’s last name – but I wish I’d hyphenated.

      My name is Lorelai Gilmore. When I got married, I just added on Luke’s name — so now I’m Lorelai Gilmore Danes. I use Gilmore Danes as a full last name.

      My daughter, Rory II, is just Rory Danes. She’s 6. But because I’m Lorelai Gilmore Danes, she’s convinced that her actual name is Rory Gilmore Danes. I figure that when she turns 18, she can explain to me that I’ve compromised on feminist principles by failing to hyphenate her last name and then she can get a tattoo or something. Built-in teenage rebellion! But bottom line: just hyphenate. Kids think it’s normal. No worries.

      1. Sadly, I’m pretty sure in the upcoming Netflix revival series you’re single :( Though I’m sure by the end of the series you will be Lorelai Gilmore Danes.

    21. My friends just named their baby First Name Middle Name her last name his last name without a hyphen. They both kept their names. I thought it was pretty cool and agree with the hyphen being gross.

    22. I’m coming somewhat late to this, and haven’t read all of the previous comments. I was in a similar situation minus the reneg-ing. My husband really wanted our kid to have his last name, I really wanted kid to have mine. We each kept our own name when we got married, didn’t want to hyphenate (his last names quite long and distinctive) and didn’t want to make a new one, because we both like ours as they exist. Eventually, we decided on somewhat of a compromise, which is that kid has my husband’s last name, but I would choose kid’s first and middle name. (I suppose I’d have given my husband veto power if he truly hated something I picked, but he didn’t ask. In any case, we waited to name the baby until he was born, and I found that there’s no better time than immediately after giving birth to get your way unquestioned.) Kid has a first name that is traditional in my family’s country of origin; his middle name is my mom’s maiden name. I thought about giving him my last name as his middle, but for some reason I didn’t want to — I think to me it signified that I had lost the last name battle (no judgment on those who’ve gone that route). Not sure what we’ll do for future kiddos, but probably the same thing.

      For me, I decided to compromise in large part because my husband felt strongly, and he usually doesn’t about these things. He’s a mostly-SAHD, always assumed I would keep my name when we married, etc. He’s also an only child (I’m not) and felt unusually strongly about “carrying on” the family name. At the end of the day, I would probably have still preferred to get my way (of course!) but I’m happy with the ultimate outcome.

    23. Both last names not hyphenated. Duh. Hispanics do this. My first last name is my dads last name and my second last name is my moms name. Why wouldn’t this be an option?

  7. Going to Hong Kong this summer as part of a broader trip of Asia – super excited! My friend and I are looking at options for where to stay. We have friends staying at the Renaissance near the convention center so are interested in that, but that’s really at the top of our budget.

    Any suggestions or recommendations? Would also welcome other areas of town from people who know more about it than we do!

    1. Not sure what the budget is, but the Kowloon Sheraton has an rooftop pool with gorgeous views of Hong Kong Island. People tend to look down on the Kowloon side because it’s less fancy, but honestly I like that it feels less like a generic international city.

      1. I stayed there on a recent-ish (winter 2014) trip, and it was a nice hotel. The rooms are tiny, they have a great bar area where you can see the skyline, and it was really close to the MTR (like on top of it) so you can easily get anywhere in the city.

    2. I stayed at the Hotel Indigo two years ago and it was really nice. They also have a rooftop pool though it was too chilly for me to use it. It’s pretty close to the convention centre and there were some really good dumpling houses around. Other HK tips – ride the ferry across at least once, go up to Victoria Peak and have time to just wander!

    3. I stayed at the Ozo Wesley, which is a funky little boutique that’s relatively cheap. Rooms are small but comfortable and nice/clean. I picked it because it was close to a friend’s apartment, but we walked to Victoria Peak tram and it’s close to MTR stations.

  8. Decluttering – I’ve already done a decent pass at getting rid of stuff when I had some remodeling done / new furniture/painting etc a few years ago.

    But I think it’s time for round 2. Are you the type to set stuff to the side and do a garage sale, or the out the door to a charity asap.

    The last time I went the charity route, because I figured the faster it was out of the house the better. I know garage sale wouldn’t make that much money (well I guess depending on the quantity of items and what type) but would it be worth the effort setting it up so that I would get maximum profits.

    1. I just get rid of stuff. Why would anyone want to pay money for my stuff. Generally people way overvalue their belongings.

    2. Out the door asap! But things have piled up lately.

      I don’t have a car and the charity shops are a pain on the bus (opens after I start work so I’d need to drag it to the office and then back up the hill to the shops) so a neighbour is taking it for me in exchange for cake.

      I keep a bag in the closet and add things as I find them but I’ve also got Konmari in the calendar for next month.

    3. Out the door to charity. Yard sales are too time consuming and I’d rather spend my time in different ways.

      1. And, for security reasons, I dont really like the notion of random people coming to my home, even if it’s the front yard. Our HOA prohibits such things; in the past they had a neighborhood garage sale sort of thing in a school parking lot. No longer, though.

        Charities could well use the donations, especially with more and more people being laid off from jobs.

    4. The only stuff that really makes money at a garage sale is gently used baby furniture and gear and big-ticket kid items such as bikes, in excellent condition. Kids’ clothes sell but not for much. Power tools can sometimes do well. Other items are a waste of time. You are better off donating and taking the tax deduction.

      1. Depends on the situation. When my aunt and uncle moved to an assisted living community, they sold 2/3 of their non-furniture possessions, and made over $2500.

    5. We did a yard sale mostly because I thought it would be fun, and we could just load up the car afterwards to go to charity. We made maybe $200, which isn’t huge but was still a nice little chunk of change that bought us a new living room chair.

    6. I craigslist furniture or other large items worth more then $50. The rest goes straight to charity dropoff.

    7. Out-the-door. I itemize my taxes use the values at itsdeductible to value donated things. The difference between the tax benefit of donating and what I’d get from a garage sale is surprisingly small (and makes the work of a garage sale extremely unappealing).

    8. No one goes to yard sales anymore. You won’t make money that way and it will be a waste of time unless maybe you live right next to a WalMart and there will be lots of traffic of people already running errands and shopping. It’s Ebay or Craigslist if you want to make money on substantial items like a stroller, high chair, etc.

      1. I disagree that people don’t go to yard sales. I have friends (from teens to 50s) who go to yard sales, and when a friend of mine had one last year, I was shocked at how busy it was all day. It’s probably location specific – large Midwest city.

        But I agree with the others that you should just donate and craigslist any high-value items.

      2. Uhm, I think this is totally region dependent. In my small city, yard sales get hit up hard during the summer. I found great baby stuff at one. I don’t think I want to go through the trouble of holding them, but it’s an over-statement to say that no one goes to yard sales anymore.

    9. Read Marie Kondo! I didn’t agree with everything she said but she does have good tips about decluttering. Her main advice to get rid of stuff right way, don’t save it for potentially selling it, because then it just sits around and continues to clutter up your space.

    10. Out the door. Do any charities collect from homes in your area? Look at greendrop dot com

    11. The only time I’ve ever done a yard/sidewalk sale is when my friends and I have done joint ones to support our NO/AIDS Walk Team. We did other fundraising but our annual joint sidewalk sale (in the FQ) made hundreds to support our team. I normally create an area where I put stuff in bags and regularly donate.

    12. Does your area have a Facebook Buy sell trade page? People come pick it up from you and you can make some money that way. If no one wants it, donate to charity. Or same thing but with Craig’s list. My friend swears by BST but I’ve never done it since my neighborhood doesn’t have one. I just give Goodwill a big old bag of stuff every spring and fall after my last cleanse.

  9. Looking to crowd source some advice since you all are always so good with different ideas re: financial matters.

    Husband and I have been looking to buy in our v. HCOL area off and on for a few years now. The market here is just bonkers. We have a hefty downpayment saved up but what’s needed to purchase in our first choice area with good schools seems to always be just out of reach. We recently saw two properties we liked in a nearby area that we like but for the fact the public schools there are not good at all and both places need a serious renovation. There are good private schools in the area though and our kiddo is still 4-5 years away from this being an issue. W/o going into too much detail, we expect that we’ll be in a somewhat better position sometime next year as we have good cause to anticipate a bit of a windfall next fall and also because both our salaries are expected to increase in a year’s time, with his increasing substantially. We are quickly outgrowing our current rental, in fact, we may have outgrown it years ago but we have a good deal and a great landlord so have stayed put. We also have a whole lot of student loans that we haven’t prioritized paying off because we were looking to buy, but loans obviously complicate buying process.

    What would you do in this situation:

    1. Accept that buying now may be too complicated and take some of the downpayment money to pay off some/all of the student loans, use the money that will not be spent on loans to rent a bigger, more expensive place in desired neighborhood and look to buy in a year or two. This option would roughly mean spending on rent what we’d be spending monthly if we bought in less-desired area.

    2. Buy in less desired area and be okay with moving in a few years when schools become an issue and/or send kiddo to private school; work on paying some/all loans from windfall if it comes through and/or refinance if not.

    3. Buckle down in the cheap rental and wait for windfall to afford to buy in desired neighborhood with good schools and meanwhile try to put as much towards loans as possible.

    Right now I am leaning towards option 1 because the idea of not having loans appeals to me more than the idea of owning property and because I am nervous of buying in less desired area and regretting it. Husband wants to own property and I think is leaning toward option 2. Probably the smartest thing would be option 3 but we really are straining to all fit in our current living situation and it will only get harder as kiddo gets bigger. The side benefit of 3 though is that if something came up anywhere that we wanted to buy we could move on it quickly whereas if we moved to a new rental we’d be tied to a specific lease term, not to mention it’d be a waste of money to move only to move again in a year.

    1. I wouldn’t do option 2 because moving is a pain so I wouldn’t buy with the idea of buying again in a few years. Also lots of closing costs.

    2. My recommendation would be option 3 – get rid of those loans before buying and save some money while living in the smaller space. You will save on moving costs/avoiding buying new stuff for a bigger space (no matter how much space you have, more things tend to fill it!) and put even more money to the loans. Re-evaluate in a year when most of your debt is gone.

    3. I’d vote option 3 – it seems like the recipe for long-term happiness. But at the same time, I’d spend some time doing a deep examination of your current apartment, to see if there isn’t a way to significantly improve your living situation by spending ~$1-2000. Some examples (depending on the age of your kid) might be buying a loft bed for the kid and throwing away all baby furniture (rocker, crib, changing table), to make more space for them to play. Or tossing an old couch that you hate which takes up too much space in your living room, and getting something that fits perfectly. Something to make you happy to stay for a few years, since the advantages seem so huge.

    4. Option 3. If you have huge student loans, sorry, but you can’t afford to buy a nice house in your dream neighborhood. Because you owe that downpayment to someone else!! Unless your loans are very low interest rate you’re paying mortgage interest and then essentially interest on your downpayment money because
      Loans b

    5. Do option 3. Suck it up for 18 months in the less-than ideal living situation you are in now rather than having to deal with the major uncertainties involved in buying one place/selling in a few years, etc. Also agree that you could possibly spend a bit of money to make your current place more comfortable, whether it means buying different furniture or spending a bit on a monthly storage space. There are a lot of websites and tv shows out there about people living in tiny houses/studio apartments and you could get some great ideas that way.

    6. I would also do option 3. We faced a similar situation, but I decided I would rather put the money into a smaller house in a better neighborhood because those will generally appreciate faster than the houses in the neighborhoods with the worse school districts.

      I would also suggest not being overly aggressive in paying down the student loans unless you have spoken to a mortgage broker and they have told you they are going to be a limiting factor in your ability to get a loan. In HCOL areas, the amount required for a down payment is so high that I’ve found that cash in your pocket is much more helpful when qualifying for a loan than eliminating debt.

      Of course, this assumes that the loans are at a reasonably low rate, and that you are comfortable that you can afford the mortgage + loan payments with some cushion left over for emergency savings, etc.

    7. My husband and I faced the same choices w/ a baby on the way in a HCOL area and went with #1. Didn’t do #2 b/c we envision buying a long-term family home before our baby is in kindergarden, and didn’t want to pay closing costs 2x in a HCOL area w/in a 5-year timeframe – we calculate that we would lose our accumulated equity/profit to closing costs and fixing up a short-term “starter” home/condo. We picked our apartment based on neighborhood – we wanted a neighborhood with good child care and school options. Honestly, I’m not sure that there’s much of a difference between #1 and #3 in a HCOL area b/c everything is expensive, right? You can always get a storage unit if you really need it and your apartment is small, and many apartments will rent vacant units on a short-term basis if you have family that wants to visit you. We found the perfect building full of retirees and families (not college kids and 20 somethings) and couldn’t be happier. Sure, we’d like to be in a house, but we’re optimistic we’ll get the house we want when we buy.

      1. I don’t disagree that the smartest choice would be 3 but it means sharing room w/kiddo, living in a non-elevator old building that makes it v. hard for older family to visit and makes coming and going with kiddo difficult, never mind doing laundry. We could fix it up a bit more but we can’t create a spare room or get rid of our steep stairs.

        The option 2 place is priced to account for the state its in so I’m pretty confident we would realize a profit from fixing it up if we decided to sell in 3-5 years and if things continue in our city as they have, prices will only increase. OTH, if they don’t, we’ll be losing chance to buy in a lower market. Option 2 does come with good private school options and there are “gifted” programs we could try for in better public schools, and it is big enough for us to live in long term if schools weren’t an issue.

        Option 3 would give us the life we want now but we wouldn’t be building equity.

        1. Also, look into the elementary schools specifically on the option 2 place – I grew up in a “bad” school district that actually had really great elementary schools, and there were a lot of families that bought starter homes in the area, stayed for 8-10 years, and moved either before their oldest hit high school or as soon as their youngest hit middle school (depending on spacing of kids). That way, you’d get more time in the option 2 place to build equity.

    8. Option 3. Moving is a pain in the ass so I’d just wait in the smaller place. Can you rent a storage pod to make your current living situation better?

      1. Hubs and I are in the same boat, sans kid, but we’re for Option #3 for now. We have a storage unit that holds the majority of our stuff (and we make frequent trips to change things out). Though our salaries are stable, we both just want to move once when we do buy in our VHCOL. Saving for a house in the better school district, in the long run, means avoiding the spiraling tuition at a private school in the less desirable school district. Plus the house *should* have better resale value being in the better school district.

    9. 3 all the way. It’s a huge hassle to sell a house and buy another one at the same time (for timing reasons, if nothing else). And private schools will be what, 300k over 12 years per kid?

  11. Has anyone been asked to complete a writing exercise during an interview (or do you ask your applicants to do one)? Any tips for what to expect/ how to prepare?

    1. Honestly I think it’s ghastly and rude. That’s what writing samples are for. I had it sprung on me once only for the interviewer to admit they couldn’t read cursive. What kind of a professional can’t read cursive, especially if they make it a habit of springing handwriting tests on applicants.

      1. I don’t think it’s rude at all, and I’ve had editing tests handed to me when walking in, but it would be rude to make somebody hand write it without specifying. Every writing test I’ve done in the last 3 years has been on a computer or hand-editing.

    2. We do this, because writing samples are often highly edited and we have found little correlation between them and an applicant’s actual writing ability. We give the person material to prepare on in advance and it’s done on a computer. It has led to a huge improvement in quality of hires.

      1. +1 – this is very common in my industry for this reason. I’ve been asked for samples as well, understanding that your polished material is going to very different from what you can write and edit in an hour or 30 minutes.

        I’m a good writer and always do well on this kind of assignment. I don’t mind. If you can’t produce a decent product under pressure, a job that requires a writing test may not be for you.

    3. Yup, all the time. When I was still in the in-house writing role, that was pretty standard. Now that I freelance, I’m still asked to do a writing exercise when a company is looking for a long-term contract.

      Typically, I’ve been asked to review a piece and edit it for grammar and AP style, write something typical of their needs like a press release or blog post, and a few social media posts. You’re usually given a set time, like an hour, to complete as much as possible.

      Before I come in, I’ll review their press releases online, check out the kind of content they have on their blog, and visit their social pages so I can get an idea of tone.

      1. This is a writing-intensive position (and one that works on short deadlines), so I am not surprised by the exercise, just not sure how to prepare/ what to expect. ^ This is good advice, KT, thanks!

  12. How do I deal with desperately wanting a baby while he is not on board yet? I love him, have wanted children for a long time, and do want to start a family with him. He wants children as well – I have no reason to doubt that. However, I guess he is not sure whether he wants them with me. We have been together for not that long (about two years), I am mid and he is late 30ies. I have reason to believe I might have some trouble ovulating (potentially PCOS, but the doctor didn’t want to do extensive testing before I was actually trying to get pregnant).
    I have been sure about this relationship for a long time (if I hadn’t been, I would have ended things already). He and I have been incredibly busy during almost the entire time of our relationship due to work (as in: we would spend some time together, but most of that was sitting on the sofa, working, no real vacation, no real social life – inside our outside the relationship). Things however will quiet down significantly in April/May. Due to the stress, we both have not been very happy in general. I have been wanting children with him so badly for about a year now it is starting to have a huge negative impact on the relationship. He wants me to stop pushing him and take things step by step, i.e. spending a couple of months together in a more relaxed and happy state, eventually moving in together, living together harmoniously, and then starting a family. In his mind, the timeline here would be about a year (but not sure if this will actually be the case because he had asked me to move in over a year ago and when we had a fight soon after, he kind of went back on his offer).
    What is driving me crazy is the insecurity. I understand he doesn’t seem sure enough about the relationship to want to move it along. Fair enough. But how do I deal? How do I stop pushing? When do I cut my losses? How long do I wait for him to know if I have know for so long, know what I want us to have now, and am worried getting pregnant will take some time anyway? So to me it feels like he should just make up his mind and not waste my time (but I do see his wish to have some harmonious time before making this life altering decision). I have been considering couple’s therapy and think we will be going. Apart from that: any advice or even just commiseration?

    1. Has he told you he isn’t sure about having kids with you or is that something you think? In any case, there are a number of alarm bells here, on both sides. I don’t like that he says his timeline involves moving in together first, something that he has reneged upon. But I do also think that adding a baby into an already tense/unsettled situation isn’t good for anyone. Therapy will likely be important for you guys – I would try to go.

    2. Wait you’re not even living together yet and you’re pushing for kids? Are you even engaged? He doesn’t want this with you!! And you know it. He is wasting your time. He does not love you enough, will not start, and you need to move on and stop putting the cart before the horse.

      1. I think that may be a little strong. OP said she has been dying to have a baby since a year into the relationship. That’s…a bit much for most people. I think it would be perfectly normal for him to want to be in the relationship but not be ready for that level of intensity on that timeline. OP needs to slow her roll, and as much as it’s overprescribed here, I think that does mean therapy in this case. She’s pressing way too hard out of anxiety and insecurity.

        1. I dunno, I think when you’re in your 30s you can’t afford to dilly dally. She’s already invested 2 years into this. By year 1 at that age it’s normal to know if you want to be with someone for the duration or not. Not be harsh, but breaking up means the soonest OP will likely have a kid that she wants is another 2 years from break up and that’s assuming that she meets someone she wants to be with right away, has a whirlwind courtship, moves in/gets married and gets pregnant immediately. That assumes a lot! I would not put off all that on the off chance this guy comes around. I’d tell him how I feel, give him 3-6 months to make up his mind and move on if he can’t/doesn’t want to. Not to say you can’t find a great love and have babies when you’re older, but time is not there to be wasted. OP knows what she wants and it sounds like this guy may not want the same thing.

          1. If OP wants a baby, and things don’t work out with this fellow, she could go it alone. I know multiple women who couldn’t make the timing work out with a partner and a baby, so they got help from a sp*rm bank and met their now-husbands after having their children.

        2. +1 to this. He proposed the timeline of moving in together, then seeing how it works out, then having a kid. That sounds very reasonable to me. If you want to feel like making progress, try focusing on the immediate next step – moving in together. Try to make that happen.

      2. I agree. I’d want (what I consider) a more stable relationship before becoming pregnant with this man’s child. Moving in, an engagement, something other than what you have presented are the current circumstances. Have you all discussed that at all?

    3. Find someone else. He’s in his late thirties, you’ve been together for two years, and you haven’t moved in together, gotten engaged, planned a wedding, or even gotten on the same page re: kids and such.

      You need to advocate for you. For some unholy reason, it’s socially acceptable for middle-aged men to not commit or break up with women in their thirties who want kids, but that’s today’s society. You advocate for you, and if he isn’t doing the right thing (after two years, moving forward or breaking it off), then you need to stick up for yourself and leave.

    4. In this situation, I would be your SO. If so far your relationship only consists of sitting on the sofa together, how can you know if you’re ready for kids? I don’t have children, but people who do often say it is one of the most testing things for a relationship.

      I think you need to live together to see if you’re actually compatible as a joint household. Now is the time to find out he thinks a $2000 fancy wine monthly budget is necessary, or that housework is overrated, not when you’re both sleep-deprved and having an argument about how much to spend on childcare.

      If you’re pushing him to move in with you, and he’s not willing, yes, be worried. He’s not as into the relationship as you are and you should consider walking away.

    5. Slow your roll. Take some time to live together and enjoy being together. I bet once he’s more relaxed and feeling better about life in general, he’ll be more amenable to the baby plan.

    6. Thanks for all your comments. I agree with almost everything you said. On the one hand, I do plan on ending this relationship not too long in the future if things are not moving forward anytime soon. On the other hand, before I do this, since I do love him and want this relationship, I want to give it a fair chance before quitting (else I might really regret that later). But in this balancing act, I am trying to figure out, how to use the upcoming period of way more relaxed time to have some much needed “happy relationship time” and focus on moving in together without after two or three weeks of that pushing for having it all right away…

      1. I’m no sure why you want so badly to have kids with this guy – honestly, he doesn’t seem like great dad material. Do you want to be with him and have him be involved in your child’s life and therefore your life for the next 60+ years, or are you more interested in having him be a sperm donor? If I were in your shoes, I would move on from this guy and focus on finding someone who shares your timeline.

      2. Look, you are uncomfortable with the situation and kicking it down the road is making your feel bad. Trust your instincts, and have a very straightforward conversation with this man where you detail all of your worries, let him know what you want out of life, and see what he has to say, even if you have already had this conversation. You are not happy and you shouldn’t pretend to be. Maybe some changes will make you happy (take steps towards moving in) or maybe they won’t and you will realize that perhaps you’d rather look for someone else.

    7. I think both of you have very legitimate concerns and desires in this situation. You have a biological clock, that’s a fact. But pushing for a baby after only two years and not even living together is really fast too, and I don’t it’s a sign that he doesn’t love you or want kids with you at some point. Given that last bit, and the fact that there is no guarantee that you’ll find another guy who is ready NOW to have kids if you break up with this guy, I would give it more time and relax. And communicate with him that you understand his feelings, you’re just concerned about your own biological clock (and maybe gently explain how that biological clock works if you haven’t already – surprisingly, a lot of guys just aren’t aware of this). I’d also make an appointment with an RE to get testing done and perhaps see if it’s best if you freeze your eggs just in case.

    8. I dated men like this for a long time. I didn’t want kids, but I dated the ones who were “unsure” of me for some reason or another. I “wanted” the relationship and didn’t spot what a giant red flag that was. Finally, in my 40s, I met my husband. He was completely sure of me and it’s mutual. The insecurity that comes with a relationship that’s than that isn’t worth it. My advice is to move on regardless of his feelings around having kids.

      1. I agree with this. After I divorced I swore I was finished with men who weren’t absolutely crazy about me and who weren’t willing to move heaven and earth to be with me. It is exhausting to be on edge all the time about whether one is good enough or cool enough or whatever enough for one’s partner, and to be wondering whether he is going to call, or whether he is going to disappear or whatever. I would rather be alone and happy than go through that again.

        Somebody who really wants to be with you will make it happen. And we all deserve that.

        1. I think the caveat to this though is having realistic expectations, and some people (myself included! definitely not saying this as a judgment of OP) are just more prone to insecurity about a relationship. Even if partner is doing everything appropriate for the relationship stage, it’s hard to quiet those doubts. Which is why I think it’s useful to do an expectations-check with friends, or as OP is doing here with e-friends, to see whether behavior is really a red flag yet given where they are in the relationship.

          In this case, I’m inclined to say back off on the baby talk and redirect focus to moving in together and doing more couple activities beyond sitting around the apartment. If he seems resistant to that, or if after 6 months of living together successfully, he still clams up at any progression in the future plans, then I’d be more concerned.

          1. LOL I agree with this, too! I was so used to being insecure that it took me a good long time to get over it, even when I found a guy who was crazy about me!

            My advice to the OP, though, would be along the lines of “he doesn’t seem to be that into you.”

  13. Anticipating some tough love here, and possible trigger warning…I’ve noticed in the past few years that when I’m overly stressed or unhappy at work, usually when I’ve just made a mistake or been majorly yelled at by a partner (whether I deserved it or not), my mind wanders to suicide. I don’t think at all that it is something I’d do. In fact, I’m quite opposed to it and know that it isn’t a solution. My mind usually goes to guns, so I would never go to a shooting range, for example, but when I was watching Game of Thrones a few years ago it was being hit with a cannon. Googling suggests that this is OCD-related rather than depression, which makes sense to me. It feels like my mind needs an escape, if that makes any sense. Either way, it seems like it is time to speak to someone. My concern is that if I tell a professional about it, they’ll feel compelled to do something about it even though I’m in no real danger of harming myself. Has anyone had any experience with this?

    (Honestly that feels really good to have gotten that out.)

    1. Hmm. I have had similar-ish thoughts in times of stress (like, wouldn’t it be nice to walk into oncoming traffic?), and when I asked my therapist if I needed to make an emergency call to her when I had those thoughts, she said no, it sounded like I was just looking for an escape. But she did say if I ever found myself thinking about that seriously, then yes, I needed to call her. Do you think you can distinguish between whether these thoughts are just an escape fantasy or an actual desire to harm yourself? I really don’t think a mental health professional will rush to have you committed just because you voice these kinds of thoughts.

    2. I know someone who was involuntarily institutionalized, but it was done after an actual suicide attempt. Much, much more serious than what you’re describing. Please talk to someone and take care of yourself.

    3. I’ve felt exactly the same way. I *know* that I will never harm myself, but in times of severe stress at work my mind will wander to jumping off the parking deck/jerking the car off the bridge. It’s just an image that pops up, because our brains are complex and provide us with symbols that are summoned by what we’re experiencing. But it’s just that- a thought, your brain going through its paces, calling to mind the fact that you’re stressed and representing that to you. It’s not a plan. Horrifyingly, because corporate America is horrible, there are a *lot* of people who have these thoughts. Go see someone to help you deal with the underlying stress. Tell her what exactly you’ve said here, but emphasize that you don’t want to do anything. You won’t be whisked away to a psychiatric ward. I’d recommend seeking a therapist that has experience with or specializes in high achievers in high stress jobs. She’ll get it, and you don’t want to spend your time explaining to your therapist that, no, you really can’t leave work for yoga at 4 pm even if she thinks its a good idea.

    4. Well, I’ve done a lot of volunteer work with the mental health providers of my university but am not a professional so that is my disclaimer. We are always told in training that suicidal ideation and thoughts that drift to suicide is pretty common, even with people who make the distinction like you do that they do not ACTUALLY want to commit suicide. So I would not stress out so much about having those thoughts especially if you know that the line is that you do not actually want to commit suicide. That being said, I do think it would be helpful for you to speak to someone. Mental health professionals are well aware that not everyone who thinks of self harm will actually self harm, especially if you make that distinction. Also the threshold that would have to pass for you to actually be involuntarily hospitalized you is quite high -they’re not just going around willy nilly putting everyone who has thought of suicide into a facility. I have told my therapist before about thinking about how much easier things might be if I just weren’t here, without the intention to commit suicide at ALL and it was not something that was received with that sort of alarm.

      1. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation (and a suicide attempt) how you say something to a professional makes a big difference. The more clear you can make your statements about what you’re feeling, the more successful you’ll be. You’ll probably get follow up questions about specific things, but having these thoughts don’t mean you’re going to act on them. With me, my current therapist and psychiatrist trust me to tell them or someone if I’m myself scared by the thoughts. But I’ve had others who just talking or mentioning something ended up with consequences. I would recommend you speak with someone, you shouldn’t suffer alone but I’d feel out the person you choose a little before just blurting it out just in case.

    5. I think it’s normal to have really weird bad thoughts sometimes. In college during really stressful times sometimes I would wonder what it would be like to fall down a flight of stairs. I was 100% not suicidal, but I needed a break and a vacation and to stop being so hard on myself. And falling down the stairs was just kind of shorthand for that.

    6. This sounds a little like intrusive thoughts (you can Wiki it). I don’t want to speak at all to the severity of it, but I think to some degree people experience these kind of morbid thoughts and feelings in an involuntary way. I definitely do. If it’s something that gives you pause, it’s probably best to speak to a mental health professional.

    7. I have had experience with it. Here’s what I’d say – you need help, and you need it immediately. Not because you’re likely to commit suicide, but because you become unhappy enough in those moments that your mind goes to that place. That is a sign of distress, even though it’s not a sign of suicide risk, and your distress deserves attention and treatment. Good for you for realizing that.

      As for what happens when you explain that to a therapist or doctor, no, they’re not going to have you immediately committed. They understand the difference between suicidal ideation as imminent risk and suicidal ideation as coping mechanism. They will ask you questions to get clarity about which once you’re presenting (for example, they’ll ask you if you have a plan, how detailed it is, how long these episodes last, etc.). But trust me – you’re not going to end up in a mental hospital because you say this to a therapist.

    8. You don’t sound suicidal, just stressed. In a similar vein, when I’m under a ridiculous deadline, I start wondering if being hit by a car and hospitalized would give me enough leeway to get my deadlines pushed back. If you don’t get to a therapist right away (you should- you’re stressed and overworked and need someone to help you with perspective), as a stopgap measure, maybe try refocusing the escape fantasy to one without self-harm, like wherein you suddenly inherit a private island and a generous trust fund and you can walk out on yelling partner onto your private helicopter and spend the rest of the week lounging in the sun with a drink with a tiny umbrella in it.

      1. I think about this a shocking amount — like how pleasant it would be to have a badly broken leg and not have to think about answering my blackberry for a hot minute.

    9. Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you feel a little better by that process. I agree with the others; talk to a therapist. Explaining how you feel and your thoughts about suicide are not going to have you committed. Try to be as honest as you can with your therapist and also consider telling a close, trustworthy friend in person. I hope things improve for you and for the others who’ve shared their struggles.

    10. Hugs. I’ve also been here. I don’t think I would have acted on it but I did go to a counselor and then to my regular MD for meds (Celexa for me) In the car on the way home from the pharmacy after taking my first pill I felt better. I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I wasn’t.

  14. Does anyone have an opinion on the Chloe Marcie-small bag? I am nearing a pretty big milestone of which I am very proud (finishing a terminal degree while working full time at the same time) and looking for a treat-yo-self present. Initially was supposed to go on a big vacation but – surprise! – my husband and I are now expecting a baby this summer. Not looking for opinions on spending the actual money, we can afford it, but more looking for opinions on quality, etc. If you have another luxury-type bag to recommend, I’m happy to look at that too!

    1. I absolutely love that bag personally and would buy it in a heartbeat if I could, it’s so classic. The forums at purseblog are a great resource if you want opinions about bags, quality, etc.

    2. I was looking at this bag last year and ended up getting the Chloe Marcie medium. I tried on the small and it just did not fit as much as I had hoped. I know that the medium does not have an adjustable cross body strap and while the length was fine for me (I am petite) it might not work for everyone. I’m not sure if the small is the same way. Finally, the medium is on the heavier side. After carrying it all day, my shoulder is definetly tired. However, I’m so so happy with this purchase. It was a huge splurge for me and I love wearing it!

    3. The bag is lovely. Consider whether it is big enough for your purposes though. Post-kiddo, I find that all of my bags are too small.

  15. I’m heading out of the country in a few weeks. I have a Bank of America Cash Rewards Mastercard and a Discover Miles card that I typically use for international travel because there are no fees. However, research has told me that my destination doesn’t widely accept Discover.

    In this case, would you just use either your debit/credit card that does charge fees and eat it or open another Visa or Mastercard that doesn’t charge transaction fees?

    1. I’d def open another card that doesn’t charge fees. Capital One 360 doesn’t for their debit and (I think) credit cards.

    2. I would definitely get a new card because I hate paying unnecessary fees, even if it’s really not that much money, and I have no aversion to having several credit cards.

    3. Transaction fees really add up especially if you anticipate larger purchases (it’s usually around 3% of the transaction I thin). I would definitely open a new no-fee card. I think VISA is the most widely accepted. I have and love the Capital One VentureOne card. It has no annual fee and no international transaction fees, and good rewards.

    4. Depending on where you are going and if you prepaid your lodging (i.e. if you primarily be using cash), Bank of America has reciprocity agreements with many international banks so there are no ATM fees. There should be a full list on their website. Otherwise, VISA is best for most international destinations.

    5. You might want to call Discover; they have reciprocal arrangements with a variety of networks that mean you can use your card even at a location that doesn’t accept Discover itself.

    6. I would get a no-fee visa card. There are bunch, mine is from CaptialOne. If you’re not planning on buying much you can check what the rate is and figure out how much you’d spend, but the card is probably worth it.

  16. Austin ladies: I am sending food delivery to a friend who really needs some support. What services do you like? Is cilantro lime a good one?

    1. Uber Eats delivers in some areas of Austin. There is also Instacart for grocery delivery (you can order pre-prepared meals from Whole Foods, for example) and Favor, which you can use to get food delivered from anywhere in the city. I’ve never used Cilantro Lime, so can’t speak to that specifically. What a nice friend you are!

    2. This doesn’t help with meals, but if you want to send her something just to let her know you’re thinking of her, Tiff’s Treats is the greatest service ever. They deliver warm cookies and milk.

      1. If I was having a tough time and Tiff’s Treats showed up at my door, I would feel so so so comforted and cared for by the person sending them. This is a great suggestion.

  17. A vendor sent me a gift card as a thanks for using their services. Is it appropriate to send a thank you card? On the one hand, it’s a gift and gifts require thank you cards. On the other, it’s a thank you and thank yous generally don’t require a return thank you. How do you all handle this?

    1. Why not just a quick thank you email rather than a formal thank you card? Like “I appreciate the gift card, I look forward to using it!” kind of email. Because I agree with you, a formal thank you for a thank you is kind of ridiculous.

  18. Someone yesterday posted about wanting to know about other careers in healthcare for a lawyer. I have a friend who works for an institutional review board (aka IRB), a field where JD is preferred. IRBs work in hospitals, for universities, medical device companies, and basically anywhere where there is testing on human subjects. It’s a great field for healthcare lawyers who don’t want to practice law anymore.

  19. I got a Facebook message from someone I went to college with (I graduated in 2002) apologizing for something….that I honestly don’t really remember. I sort of remember the details – it had to do with my exboyfriend, and I remember it being a “a real friend wouldn’t do this kind of thing” situation, but she wasn’t that close to begin with and I moved on. Her message was really, really long and I can tell she felt horrible about it. She went on about how she was dumb and 21 and in a bad place. I responded to please not spend another minute worrying about it and that if we all had to apologize for dumb things we did in our early 20s, none of us could afford to throw stones. I also said that I honestly didn’t really remember the situation and that I haven’t been dwelling on it at all and wished her the best. I felt sort of dumb I don’t really even remember this situation that has obviously been plaguing her. I hope that response wasn’t off-base but I didn’t want her to feel bad about something I literally don’t remember. I don’t even know why I’m posting this other than it was so weird!

    1. This happened to me once, and it turned out an old roommate was starting AA and doing this as one of her steps. It’s about her not about you.

    2. Is it possible she’s in treatment for addiction? Making amends for past wrongs is part of many programs. Your response sounds appropriate in any event.

    3. It could be that she’s going through some sort of 12-step program. I got one of those once and assumed as much.

    4. That’s a really helpful perspective – I hadn’t though about that. I honestly have zero problem with her reaching out, I just was feeling bad about not being sure how to respond. I didn’t want to minimize that fact that she felt so upset but I also wanted to convey that this is just absolutely not something that she needs to tear herself up about on my account. I’m hoping that came across in my response. I wanted to avoid sounding dismissive.

    5. Could have been part of addiction recovery, but honestly, sometimes the mistakes I’ve made in the past just haunt me and I feel like I have to reach out and fix the bridges I burned (or just damaged), and I have to apologize for my wrongdoing. Maybe it’s an anxiety thing, or maybe it’s just not being able to stand having bad blood. Anyway, it’s fine to assure her you’ve already forgotten and moved on, and it’s not a big deal, because if she was dwelling on it, she may have been worried that you still hated her for it.

    6. I got one from a high school classmate going through the 12 steps apologizing for bullying me…except that I have no memories of her. None. I know her name, but I can’t remember a single thing about her. I didn’t want to crush her recovery by telling her how insignificant she was to me, so I just told her it was all fine.

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