ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 206 Comments

Coffee Break: ‘Desire’ Pointy Toe d’Orsay Pump

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Tan Suede Work Heels: Paul Green 'Desire' Pointy Toe d'Orsay Pump Oooooh — this looks like a great strappy pump, and Paul Green is known for making comfortable shoes. I like the matte taupe suede and the d'Orsay style mixed with the asymmetric strap. It also comes in black leather; both are available at Nordstrom in sizes 5.5-10 for $299. Paul Green ‘Desire' Pointy Toe d'Orsay Pump Here's a similar pump on sale at Nordstrom from Corso Como. And here's an option for narrow and wide sizes (available in “bisque” patent) and one more for wide sizes (we've featured it before), in “nude” leather. (L-5)

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

206 Comments

  1. Who here works in healthcare and isn’t a lawyer or doctor? What do you do? What schooling/degree/experience/etc. did you need to do it?

    Thinking about a transition away from 2 years in biglaw and wondering what else is out there.

    1. What’s “in healthcare”? I work for a major technology vendor (medical records), so my clients are hospitals and docs- but I don’t see patients or work in a system. I know lots that do, though.

    2. Heathcare IT. I also do a lot of compliance work around patient privacy & information security.

    3. I work in health care policy, specifically on Medicaid. I work in government versus working for a health facility, but I do love what I do. I have a Master’s in Public Administration (MPA).

      I work with a lot of lobbyists who are also attorneys, as well as attorneys who work for the government on health policy issues specifically.

      My ‘back up plan’ is to go be a nursing home or hospital administrator which does require a certificate (varies by state).

    4. I’m on the board of a community health center. Our president/chief executive officer lists her education on her linked in as MBA, health care administration. Not sure if that was a dual degree or a focus within the MBA. She was previously the director of operations.

    5. I’m on the financing side – providing companies with capital in the healthcare space.

    6. I’m in hospital finance, specifically a manager for billing and operations improvement. My background is a BFA in the arts, so it had nothing to do with my eventual career path. All my experience has been gained on the job. I’m looking to move up, and it would be beneficial to get a master’s degree. Looking at an MPH or MBA, maybe an executive program.

    7. Account Manager at a regional TPA. I help employer groups design their self-funded insurance plans, analyze plan performance, and handle escalated issues.

    8. I’m an RN and manage an outpatient oncology department. I’m looking into getting an MBA to go up the chain of command in the future.

    9. A friend of mine works in the corporate integrity department of a hospital in what sounds like a “JD advantaged” role.

    10. I do health care research – what works to improve patient outcomes in terms of different models of care, etc. I have a bachelor of health science and a PhD, but you can get into it without the PhD depending on what level you wish to work at.

      1. +1

        I’m a clinical and research geneticist for a MRU. I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in genetics, but since I got into my field (genomics) so early, I got to sneak by without the PhD.

    1. Love this shoe. It wouldn’t work for my “casual business casual” office, and I don’t need another pair of heels right now!

      1. Ha, I don’t know if that was a typo or not, but “casual business casual” is the perfect way to describe my office dress code.

        1. Not a typo! Jeans and athleisure wear are not encouraged, but virtually anything else goes! I’m pretty dressed up in my normal business casual wear.

          1. That sounds exactly like my dress code. I spent 15 years collecting dressy business casual and true professional wear, so I often feel ‘dressed up.’

    3. Vince Camuto made a $130 version in black suede, black patent, red suede, and beige suede. I have the black suede and LOVE them, they are my favorite shoes. I can’t find them anymore (used to be on Nordy’s) but maybe someone who is shopping-savvy can find them. I sided up half a size, and I am usually a 9N if that helps anyone.

  3. I hate d’Orsay pumps but I really like this strappy style. I might have to check out the cheaper option.

      1. Those are beautiful. Usually I find the cheaper recommendations disappointing, but those shoes are great.

        1. I bought the cheaper pair for an event a few months ago (and ultimately went with an open sandal), but I LOVED them, and was sad I couldn’t keep them (too much $$ to keep without a reason to wear). So comfy. You’ll love it HSAL.

  4. Is it a bad reason to not have kids so I can retire early? My parents have been nudging me about having kids, and as I’m in my 30s I will need to make a decision sooner rather than later. My husband and I are very interested in early retirement (~55 or 60), and simplifying / de-stressing life so we have plenty of time for leisure, travel, etc. These sound like pretty selfish reasons to not have kids… Right?

    I must say that I work a job with fairly normal hours and I’m not doing anything amazing with my free time now, so it’s not like I’m delayi or forgoing children because I’m saving the world or making millions or leaning way in. So it sounds like I’m a slacker who Has even less of an excuse not to have kids.

    1. Have kids because you want them, not because someone told you it’s selfish if you don’t. Your parents are biased, they had kids, so they want you to, too. It’s selfish to guilt someone into having kids because you want grandkids to play with one day a week.

    2. You don’t need an excuse to not have kids. You just don’t want kids and that’s okay. Your parents wanting grandchildren is understandable, but not your problem.

    3. This is totally your decision, but I have two kids and my husband and I are both planning on retiring at 50-55. We’ve arranged our financial plans so that we’re always working towards that goal. So, it’s possible to have kids and still plan on doing that. But there are plenty of reasons to have or not have kids, and if you don’t want the lifetime demands that kids require, that’s completely legit.

    4. I have 2 kids, am in my early 3s and DH and I have a retirement plan to be done working (if we want) at 55. If we hit major setbacks, we’ll be looking at 55/60

    5. Do you want kids? If no, don’t have any. I don’t think you need an excuse NOT to have kids. I think you need a reason TO have them. (I say this as someone who has no desire to ever have kids and who has been told by mother that somehow this makes me selfish.)

      1. I am a mom and agree 100%. The only legitimate reason to have kids is that you want to be a parent. You do not need a reason not to have kids.

    6. Yeah, echoing the folks who said that “early” retirement is still possible with kids. We adopted our two kids when they were older, so had less years of expenses related to kids. But one of my biggest surprises was that kids are not nearly as expensive to a raise as I was led to believe.

      1. I found my kid to be more expensive than I had expected. Day care! Summer camp! Sports! Transportation to said sports! And that is in a LCOL area with good public schools, before you even start thinking about college.

    7. I think either decision about children can be construed as “selfish” — I have kids because I thought it’d be enjoyable and rewarding to raise them (with full knowledge of the environmental impact, etc, of growing world population), other people choose not to because they think other things are more enjoyable and rewarding. You do you!

      I don’t think kids and early retirement are necessarily mutually exclusive, but you don’t need an excuse not to have kids if you don’t want them.

    8. If you don’t want kids for any reason, don’t have kids. I don’t think there’s really a bad reason. Similarly, have kids if you want them and see if there’s still a way for you to retire early. There aren’t really bad reasons for wanting either of these things.

    9. I don’t think you should have kids if you don’t want them, but I also think it’s possible to retire early even if you have kid(s, but it’s probably easier with one). My parents live in a LCOL area but had fairly modest salaries (<$100K combined for most of my childhood) and paid for 100% of my private $40K/year undergrad education and were still in a financial position to retire in their early-mid 50s.

    10. Actually I think the worst thing you could do is to have kids because you think you “should.” If you are going to bring new people into the world it sjod be because you are truly thrilled to nurture them and watch them grow, etc. it should be an enthusiastic “yes!!!” Not ” well, I guess I ought to…” So I agree with everyone

    11. …I don’t think it’s being a slacker to not have kids. It’s not a duty we all must do to preserve the population.

      If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids. You don’t need to justify it to anyone

    12. It’s not “selfish” not to want kids. It’s okay to structure your life how you’d like it to be structured because doing so will make you happy.

      Being “selfish” isn’t bad unless you’re hurting someone.

      Even if it was “selfish,” there’s nothing wrong with not having kids for “selfish” reasons. You are not obligated to anyone- your parents, your partner, or society- to produce children.

      You do NOT need an “excuse” not to want children. I am so over the societally-enforced message that women who don’t want kids are “selfish” (ie bad), because it comes from the f’ed up idea that the default for women is want to become caregivers and prioritize other’s needs over their own, and that women who don’t have kids are somehow shirking some responsibility so that they can slack off.

    13. Why not do some of the travel/leisure stuff now? My husband and I spent a year between when he finished his MBA and we started TTC using up our vacation time and splurging a little. No regrets waiting until 35 to TTC. No one knows what the future will bring, so I’m not sure why you are focused on retiring at 55 instead of enjoying life at 30. As for kids, you will either know that it’s time, you will decide not to or fate won’t let you. But you don’t need to decide now.

    15. If you want kids, have them. If not, don’t.

      Mother of 2 who will retire at 55 (but not in the US)

    2. I did, I’m done, and I’m very happy. I used acceledent and it cut my time in half & the cost was $800 extra. Well worth it. Recommend getting invisalign through an orthodontist rather than a dentist. My orthodonist thought he could get me 80% there with invisalign and advocated for braces but I knew I couldn’t do that. In the end he and I were both very pleased with the results. Acceledent became available not long after I started my treatment so that was an added benefit with reducing the time.

      I travel for business so I found taking out the trays on business dinners & in airports a pain but worth it. It affected my speech a little (not very noticable) at the beginning but I adjusted.

      Look at the blog Franish — she talks about her experience with it.

      1. What was the total cost of the invisalign? I have an overbite that came back from not wearing my retainer and looking to save up for invisalign.

    3. I just finished invisalign last Saturday. Happy with the results. The before and after of my molds show the improvement. I was bad about keeping in my trays as long as I should (about 20 hours per day), and so my treatment took about two years. My teeth weren’t horrible, but they were crowding and getting worse over time. Now, my teeth are in place, easier to clean and maintain, and should be that way as long as I wear my braces. At times I wished I’d done the traditional braces, but all things being equal, I don’t regret invisalign.

  6. I just bought these in black and I love them! I only occasionally wear heels this high anymore, but they are very comfortable and don’t feel as high as they are. I also tried the taupe suede and they are lovely, I just preferred black.

  7. Help me choose! I got 3 dresses for an upcoming wedding in Dallas and welcome your feedback! :) Links to follow.

        1. On what planet is this a prom dress?!

          Also, the model is 5-10 and the waist seems to be in the right place for her. It must look like a weird sack on a non-5-10 person.

          2. This one. 3rd planet (terrestrial) from Sol.

            It’s cute, totally age appropriate for a HS (which is probably why other commentators mentioned it looked young). It’s got a bit of the retro 50s vibe going. Kind of a refreshing change from a lot of the slinky stuff I see otherwise.

        2. I have a dress similar to this from Ann Taylor from a few years ago. I think it’s a great choice that will work for a range of future events as well.

      2. You clearly love this since you posted it last week as well so I vote for this one!

    4. Option #1 is my Clinton (YES, perfect)
      Option #2 is my Sanders (a good option, but not perfect like #1)
      Option #3 is my Trump (please, anything but this)

      1. Thanks! :) I do like #1 and it looks good on me too – #2 has too much b**bage.

    8. #1 for sure. #2 reads young to me, and not in a good way. #3 looks Real Housewife to me.

    9. I’d say Option 1, you’ve tried them all on?

      I just bought two with this bigger skirt online and they are GIGANTIC. Both ended up going back.

  8. Too bad they stop at a size 10. I thought most shoe companies had outgrown that practice. Though, if this is a European shoe company, I’m not surprised…

    Signed, size 11.

  9. I have been asked to start informally managing a fairly new employee at my company. The employee gets fabulous reviews from co-workers in other groups, but more and more people in our own group are voicing a discomfort with her. Nothing in terms of work product issues. It is more a sense that she is calculating and would step over any of our dead bodies on the way to seizing something that she wants. She has tried to take down at least one person that I know of and fortunately that person had enough of a reputation here that her efforts were not successful.

    Any advice? How do you potentially manage out someone who is doing good work but comes off as a nasty and vindictive person? Even more senior people have commented that she “scares” them. I don’t know what to do and I think I will be in her cross hairs soon.

    1. Yay! I love these shoe’s and I think they would make my leg’s look slimmer! I will go with Rosa to Nordstrom’s up in White Plains this weekend even tho the price is high. I figure that I will do anything to have my Dad stop saying my leg’s look like stubby piano leg’s. FOOEY on Dad. I try hard, but have Grandma Trudy’s gene’s. At least I do NOT walk like a penguin. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      As for the OP, watch out. Mason wanted to torpedo me even tho it was HE that was the schlub. Peeople looking get to the top will stop at NOTHING, evenif they are dooshes, b/c the top bosses do NOT know they are dooshes. Fortunateley, in my case, the manageing partner knew Mason was a doosh, so he did NOT pay any attention to what he said. I also covered for him when he had Lynn on the conference room table and his pant’s were down. FOOEY on men that do that in public places. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    2. Definitely, especially if the “informal” part of the arrangement actually means “unbeknownst to her”. She’ll write in wondering why you think you are the boss of her. Stay away from her unless your managing her means you have firing authority over her.

      1. +100
        We see a lot of people complaining here about people acting like their boss even when they have no authority to do so. So make that arrangement of you managing her formal and known to her before doing anything else.

    3. How are you supposed to be informally managing her? From your post it sounds like people want you to deal with her so they don’t have to… which doesn’t sound like it will work out well.

    4. What do you mean by take down? If you are formally her manager (team leader, etc) then you can speak to her about teamwork. I’m not sure what informally managing means.

    5. I’ve been in a similar situation, this girl also did good work but dealt with customers and peers in an overly flirty unprofessional way. Her boss was over the top uncomfortable with addressing her dress and behavior with her and asked for help. My “management” was rejected by her immediately which I reported right back to her boss but many people in upper management knew of this plan so when she tried to hook up with one of the speakers at a conference I looked bad.

    6. this informal managing sounds like it could backfire. Try to get a more formal definition of this gig if they expect you to actually act. Also if you’re worried she might target you (between the line it sounded like bullying+denunciating to the bosses?) document everything that happened, email yourself (bcc your private email) CYA.
      in terms of better distinguishing her output (which seems to be allright) and her ability to work in the team, I found this AAM post a few weeks back very useful
      http://www.askamanager.org/2016/02/a-good-employee-whos-really-a-terrible-employee.html

    7. Don’t do it! Let her official manager officially manager her – or not.

      In another lifetime, I was asked to do the same thing b/c the official manager couldn’t manage the employee, and admitted the employee was way out of line in several areas but the manager couldn’t rein her in. I agreed to start overseeing her b/c the employee’s work overlapped with the group I managed.

      The employee didn’t like my ‘meddling’ in the pretty good deal she had set up when she had no supervision (e.g. managed to finagle a private office with a window, when she was the most junior person around), and became vindictive. She did ‘take me down’ even though I’d been there several years and had an excellent reputation. She poisoned my relationships with several close co-workers by spreading malicious lies and talking behind my back. It was a horrible experience, and I ended up leaving the org. with a shadow over me.

      Just don’t do it!

  10. Speaking of hobbies from the earlier thread, are there any photographers out there? I want to upgrade my camera from a point and shoot and could use some advice. I have no photography experience, but want to learn. Mainly I want to be able to take better pictures when I travel. Photography-inclined friends have suggested basic mirrorless/compact system cameras as a good step up for a beginner, without the bulk of DSLRs. I think I’ve narrowed down my choices to either a Sony Alpha a6000 or an Olympus OM-D E-M10. Does anyone have either of these cameras and have any comments on their pros/cons? (or want to sell me on another option?). I know Sony just came out with a newer version of the a6000, but it’s out of budget.

    1. I am an amateur photographer who has had a starter DSLR (Canon T3i) for almost four years. I am just now starting to use it on non-automatic settings, but even on fully automatic mode it takes noticeably better pictures than my previous point and shoots. Mine was in the same price range as those two mirrorless cameras you mentioned. I don’t have much experience with mirrorless cameras personally, but I understand they are not as easy to point-and-shoot with as a DSLR, and I think you’re probably not going to be doing much more than pointing-and-shooting with it for quite a while, unless you’re enrolled in a serious photography class and dedicating a great deal of time to this hobby. I would strongly urge you to not rule out an entry level DSLR, they are really not that bulky and you can easily grow into them as you learn more about manual settings and buy higher quality lenses.

    2. Related question. Can anyone recommend a resource for learning to take better pictures? My husband is great at it but not the best teacher.

      1. Some of it depends what you like in your husband’s photos – if he just has an amazing eye for light/composition, then most of your improvement will come from practice. But making sure you really know how to use your camera (whether it’s your iPhone or a pro DSLR) is pretty important, as well as learning ‘rules’ of composition, lighting, etc. There are some great books (see photodoto . com/photography-books-for-beginners/ for suggestions) available that could help. Also consider some classes. I’ve taken a few at local zoos and museums (some are single day, some 3-4 Saturdays) that were both interesting and helpful.

      2. When I decided I wanted a better camera and to learn to take better pictures, I was going to take a beginner photography class through my local Parks & Rec department, until I realized they were all on Tuesday mornings. But perhaps your local one has something similar at a better time for working adults. My current plan is to see if any of the local community colleges or camera stores in town have something.

      3. I took a single day class at a local camera store. It was about $50 I think and covered basic composition rules (like the rule of thirds) as well as camera fundamentals including white balance, aperture, and shutter speed. That class made it easier for me to then learn on my own using free resources on the internet.

      4. Thanks! I’ve checked out some of the books from that list and found a highly rated yet not super expensive photography class that meets on weekends.

      5. Our local camera stores all have beginner/intermediate/advanced classes for around $25-30 a session. They also have specialty classes like sports photography, portrait photography, etc. You could also try the YMCA or a local photography group maybe?

    3. I did a whole hobby project on this issue. I am a hobby photographer but I do not have a DSLR. My current camera is similar to the Kodak AZ361 which replaced my Kodak Easyshare similar to the C195. I don’t remember the exact numbers and just googled for cameras that look similar for this post.

      You don’t need a new camera to develop your hobby. You need to develop your eye and start playing with some editing software. I’m always being asked about my camera as if that is the key to my photos. So, I created a Tumblr project for a bit to explain that it is not about the camera.

      My pictures in my Tumblr were taken is an iphone 4s and edited with free or under $2 software for the iphone. I took three pics of each scene. The zoomed out. The actual picture and the edited picture. I also have a tab explaining general photography tips.

      I’d keep working with your current camera or your phone until you start taking pics you would like to show off. Then upgrade the camera.

      Link to the blog:
      http://mundaneart.tumblr.com/

      1. I agree that photography is about much more than just having a fancy camera and developing your eye and your editing skills are important. But your photos will look way more professional if you have a DSLR or a point and shoot that allows you to control the aperture and shutter speed. The average hobby photographer who can decently frame a shot and get the right subject in focus but doesn’t know that much about light and editing is going to notice a HUGE jump in photo quality when they upgrade their camera. Honestly, iPhone photos look amateur to me, no matter how famous or talented the photographer because the technology is so much better. Even if you get a great shot on your iPhone, the resolution may not be there to blow it up and hang it on the wall. There is a reason most bloggers with a big Instagram following post DSLR photos, not iPhone snaps.

        1. Totally agree. My response was to someone who is just trying photography for the first time. I wouldn’t recommend the investment at that point. I plan to upgrade to a DSLR when I have time to dedicate to the hobby.

        2. With a DSLR or any camera with more advanced functions, you learn to control settings such as aperture, ISO, shutter speed, which give you much better pictures to start with.

          It’s a lot easier to take a good photo in the beginning and edit it, instead of taking a “bad” photo and cropping and editing it to make it look good. Learning basic composition and the rule of three in general is a good start.

          I don’t have a mirrorless camera, but I believe you can also change lenses with a mirrorless, similar to a DSLR. The base price for an entry level mirrorless camera and a DSLR are about $400-$500 these days, with the lenses being the more expensive investment.

        3. A DSLR also matters a lot if you want to take pictures in dim lighting or at night. A point and shoot won’t cut it there.

      2. I should add I need a new camera of some type regardless–my point and shoot is so old at this point that most people’s phones have better image quality. (My phone is not in this category, because my phone is almost as old and I got it to call people and read emails, not take pictures–but SO has a newer samsung that takes impressive photos given the fact it’s a phone).

    4. No advice on the specific models, but one piece of valuable advice that I got was to purchase an older model – don’t shell out for the newest version! As a beginner, I promise you won’t notice the difference. Especially with lenses – sometimes you can find last year’s barely-used (or unused and still in original packaging) model on ebay or amazon for less than half the price of the new version.

    5. I’m an hobby photographer and I shoot Sony’s high end mirrorless full frame system. I adore it, and can’t imagine ever going back to a more traditional SLR. The cameras, including the Sony one you are looking at, do have interchangeable lenses. I do have to disagree with Anon100 that the lenses are the least expensive part – if you are going this route you’ll spend a lot on quality lenses, and I have a couple that cost twice what my fairly pricey camera body cost.

      That being said, I think you want a combo of decent equipment and training. The camera you are looking at would certainly do the job until and unless you get really serious (I vote for the Sony – its what a good friend bought after trying out my camera and I think it’s great). then sign up for some classes, read some books and blogs, and then take a million pictures!

      1. I agree with you that the lenses are more expensive investment. I meant to write that the camera body itself is the “cheaper” portion.

    6. Ha. I got a DSLR for Christmas and love the pictures it takes but feel like I have no picture taking ability. I just googled “Rule of thirds” and my camera has that grid right on it, I thought I was supposed to center my people in it. Nope!

      Thanks Hive!

      1. FWIW, the rule of thirds is not a hard and fast rule. I took a photography class and the teacher said it’s important to know about it, and it’s also important to break it. Photography is also a very subjective thing and for pictures with people in them I like the pictures to be more centered. The rule of thirds makes the most sense to me for things like wildlife, not people.

    8. We used this in the intro to photography class I took in undergrad. http://www.amazon.com/Fundamentals-Photography-Essential-Handbook-Digital/dp/0375711570

      There’s a lot you can do with a point-and-shoot if you want to just start out with that and learn techniques. Not sure you need to invest in an expensive camera when you are just starting out. You would be able to do more with the equipment when you have learned more of the techniques. Possibly something to consider :)

  11. Has anyone here successfully transitioned from a different functional role into a human resources or recruiting position?

    After 5+ years in a sales and client-facing position, I am getting burned out of the monthly push to produce results, but still want to keep working with people. I do a fair amount of recruiting for my team now, which I really like, and I could see myself enjoying other aspects of the HR field as well.

    Any advice on how to potentially make this switch? What kind of roles should I look for and how should I best position myself?

    1. Some companies (i.e. mine) have several operators who have transitioned into HR. It isn’t impossible by any stretch of the imagination, but you might have some challenges transitioning to a different company when you don’t have any experience. HR is a broad field, have you considered what component you want to do (i.e. compensation, benefits, employee relations, recruiting, etc.)? With a sales background, you might be able to transition more easily into a recruiting role than the others. Have you considered working for a recruiting company? Alternatively, you might consider taking HR classes at a community college.

  12. Why are people so messy and gross and cluttered? How do they live like that? I’m not extraordinarily clean, I have pets, but I can still manage not to let things mould in my fridge and wash my floors and keep my surfaces clean. Almost any time I visit someone’s home I’m wildly uncomfortable. I can’t be the only clean person in the world right?

    1. Really? Everyone’s house is a problem? You might be the common denominator. . .

    2. I definitely get uncomfortable with clutter in other people’s houses. I’m not a one-bowl minimalist or anything, but we don’t have a lot of stuff and our place has clear surfaces almost all of the time. Our place also feels too big at 1000 sq. ft. The threads before about square footages and pets with their own rooms made me uncomfortable too. Why have space you don’t efficiently use? And why do people fill it with junk?

        1. True point. To each their own. And we do value our free time and clean modern aesthetics.

      1. But that seems to imply that we spend our time decluttering in lieu of other things. We don’t have much stuff so we get to spend time at museums, walking around different neighborhoods, doing stuff other than cleaning a 4000 square ft house or trying to find something in it.

        1. Conversely, that seems to imply that those of us who live in big homes are messy and/or shallow. Yes, I live in a 4000 square foot home. I love it. It is decorated with heirloom pieces my husband and I have inherited from both sides of our family (essentially everything in our home is an antique, save our couch, crib and mattresses). Sure I could live in less space, but I would rather have my grandmother’s piano. Everyone has different priorities.

          1. YES. Every time someone on HGTV says, don’t buy a house to fit your furniture, I always think, oh honey you haven’t seen my great grandmother’s furniture. And of course I need a formal dining room! Where else am I going to put the giant hutch that stores her wedding china?

        2. Oh sure, I’m certain studies prove an inverse correlation between the size of someone’s house and number of museums that person visits per year.

          Eyeroll.

          2. If there is there’s probably a proximity effect too. (That is, there are more big houses in exurbs, an inconvenient distance from museums.)

        3. Ummm what? I have both clutter and museums. That’s my entire point. The clutter doesn’t bother me at all so I don’t spend time cleaning it so I have time for other things. Idk why someone else’s home is such an affront to you. I don’t run around calling tidy homes depressing and soulless.

        4. “What should I do today? Try to find something in my 4000 sqft house or go to a museum?” said no one, ever.

          My house is nowhere near 4000 sqft; I just can’t keep it decluttered because husband and kids (mostly in that order). I go to museums in spite of it not being clean, and in fact have done so each of the last 3 weekends. I wasn’t aware having a spotless house is a requirement for visiting a museum; I’ll have to reexamine my life choices.

          1. For those with a lot of square footage, a lot of the rooms aren’t used daily. We have 3800 and of that, we have a guest room that is always closed (no mess, nothing goes missing), my office, which is always tidy and closed off, a formal dining room, and a formal living room. Stuff doesn’t “go missing” there. Stuff goes missing in the 14×12 playroom piled high with my kids crap where they spend 85% of their time.

          2. Hilarious!!

            Likewise, I take my child to a museum every other weekend. It’s our thing. And we go when his Legos are covering every single available surface in every room.

    4. People like you are the reason I stress out about having anyone visit. I’d love to Kondo my whole house, but I have a pack-rat husband, young kids, pets, a full time job, and definitely do not have full control of the things that come into my home and where they go once they’re there. When I’m trying to get to work on time, I don’t prioritize getting the cheerios out from under my kid’s high chair. When I finally have time to myself for the first time all day at 8:30-9 after getting the kids in bed, the last thing I want to do is move everything out of the fridge drawers so I can clean out the crumbs that have managed to collect there. When I have lots of potential family time on the weekend, I don’t want to spend it cleaning bathrooms. And my marital happiness is more important to me than having the house clean, so I don’t waste my time nagging my husband put his #*@$ stuff away (even though it drives me a little crazy).

      We have a housecleaner that comes every 2 weeks. In between, we clean the kitchen and vacuum/sweep once or twice when I start to feel gross walking around barefoot. I try to keep clutter under control, but it’s a losing battle. Basically keeping my house clean and tidy enough that a visitor wouldn’t think it looks cluttered/lived in would be a Pyrrhic victory in the grand scheme of my family life and sanity.

      1. I used to stress out about it, but I’m over that now. My house is “clean” in that there isn’t visible mold/dirt/etc. But life is too short at this stage in my career and parenting to worry about having perfectly clear counter tops in my kitchen.

        1. Not the OP. I’m definitely not uncomfortable in someone’s home that is comfortably lived in, and I’d say mine falls in the same camp. It’s not going to be real estate listing photograph ready without a day of work, but you can at least sit on the floor without having to change clothes afterward.

          I do get a little grossed out when I stay with a friend and there are dishes in the sink with food still crusted on that looks about a week old, a pungent odor of spoiled food when you walk in, carpet-thick layer of hair on the floor from not having swept or vacuumed the main walkways ever since moving in (same with piles of hair in the sink and tub), and extremely thick layers of dust on everything. I also tend to get sick and horribly congested after visiting these friends, and notice that they too comment about every two weeks how they’re sick again and “allergies again, WHY”…it’s these sort of extreme situations that I was picturing with OP’s post, expressing shock that so many of her friends are in a group that she considered to be limited to hoarders and frat houses.

          1. Wow, this took forever to . I suppose because I used that really inflammatory word “s!t”? Seriously Kat, your random moderation-triggers are ridiculous. People have complained about this SO many times and you still refuse to address it. What’s the deal?

            Anyway, I was waiting for this to show up so I could do my ETA: (1) all of the friends I’m referring to have no children, no pets, and live alone so they have total control over the state of their house, (2) I would never say anything to them or about them, as I’m incredibly appreciative of their hospitality. I only commented on it here to say that I’ve certainly seen situations more than I would’ve expected where it’s not just a stray cheerio on the floor or a light coating of dust, and maybe that’s what OP was talking about.

      2. Meh, people like that are the reason to make sure that your friends aren’t actually terrible people.

      3. I went to an event where a very well-regarded female federal judge spoke to a room of lawyers and addressed the “having it all” mentality: “You need to do your work well. If you have children, you need to be sure they are cared for, whether by family members, day care, or whatever you choose. Your kitchen floor does not have to be clean.” I tell myself that all the time.

      4. Same for me basically. Cleaners every 2 weeks, tidying but not heavy cleaning between. Thing that changed my life: Rumba.

    5. dear anonymous internet people,

      I’m incredibly judgmental but I need you to agree that it’s ok because I’m perfect.

      Everyone who is not me is icky and gross, amirite?

    6. “Almost any time I visit someone’s home I’m wildly uncomfortable. ”

      Have you considered therapy?

    7. People get to choose how clean/tidy they keep their own space. I hate clutter, so my place is always very tidy. However, I hate cleaning, so my place only gets cleaned once a month when the cleaner comes. If you come over on the 29th of the month you would probably be horrified. I do not find it horrifying myself, or I would do something to change it, but in general I wouldn’t change it because a friend was coming over. Perhaps you could invite your friends over to your super clean place instead?

      1. I do, but there is only so many times you can say “how about my place instead” before they get suspicious.

        1. I think its weird when people care this much about other people’s housekeeping. A lot of these comments about how a more minimalist life is more gratifying seem so self-congratulatory.

    8. Some people have different priorities. Some people are volunteering in soup kitchens are visiting their parents in nursing homes. Some people are depressed or sick – you don’t know they are sick because they function well enough to get through work but collapse at home. Some people are ADHD and have no idea where to put things. Some people don’t care! MY QUESTION is why are you so judgmental?

  13. My boyfriend and I are looking at engagement rings, and I’ve decided I don’t want to wear 2 rings, but want a wider engagement ring that also looks like a wedding ring, and will function as both. I do want a diamond center stone, though, not just a band with inset diamonds. Would that look strange after I’m married, as if I’m still just engaged? Looking at something like this:

    http://www.brilliantearth.com/Rosabel-Diamond-Ring-Platinum-BE1D615-1153291/

    1. You do you! I think that would be great on its own. Trying to match a band to it might look awkward.

    2. I think it’s a beautiful ring and you should do whatever you want. But I do think it looks like an engagement ring and not a wedding ring. If you want a single ring that doubles as both and still has diamonds, I think an eternity band is the most traditional choice and the least likely to lead to questions about why you don’t wear a wedding ring. But again, you do you and I think it’s a gorgeous ring!

    3. I’m divorced now, but my ring had an intertwined shank (Google for pics) and it was all I ever wore. I originally did it because the architecture of my ring was too pretty to conceal with a band, but also because having two bands in the shank made a separate band seem extraneous. We were married for 8 years and only very rarely did I get asked when the wedding was :)

    4. It’s a gorgeous ring. I think you can do whatever you want! If you want to avoid questions about why you’re still wearing an engagement ring after you’ve been married, yes, you’ll have to get an eternity band like Anonymous 2:48 says. But honestly, the people who are going to question it are going to be the people who know you, so you should only have to tell them once, and they’ll probably accept it.

      You could get a simple wedding band for the ceremony and for travel, and then just wear the engagement ring every day afterwards, unless you’re doing something where you’d want to wear the cheaper, simple band. It’s bad enough that we spend all this cash on a wedding dress we only wear once, why spend a ton of money on a ring we only wear up until the marriage ceremony? (In the case of engagement rings that don’t look right with a wedding band, obviously lots of people wear their rings throughout their marriage.)

      I might actually steal this idea – my ideal engagement ring probably would look awkward with a wedding band as well, so I might just switch off the simple wedding band and the sparkly engagement ring based on how I’m feeling that day.

    5. FWIW, you might want to get a wedding band too. I love my engagement ring, but it’s fancy & on the weekends, I like the simplicity of a simple diamond band instead of the whole ring combo. I also really like wearing a wedding ring casually in a way that I didn’t before I was married. (You can also always just get a simple weekend one, too, rather than matching to your band)

    6. Very pretty, though like others on this thread, I enjoy the option to wear only my wedding band.

    7. I wouldn’t stress in it, really. Get a ring YOU love and don’t worry about people finding it strange or asking. I know the ring is soooooo important when you get married, but after the initial oooing and ahhing when you announce your engagement, people really don’t notice your ring too often.

      I’m married and usually don’t wear anything. Sometimes I wear a sapphire ring. Sometimes I wear some gaudy costume jewelry thing. No one has noticed or seemed to care.

    8. My husband recently got me a new ring after 20 years and this is what I did, so I think it’s fine! That ring is lovely and if that’s what you’re comfortable wearing, I say go for it.

    10. I’ve been married for 16 years. We chose a vintage ring with three stones across the top surrounded by tiny little stones. It was our engagement ring and our wedding ring. At our wedding he put the same ring back on my finger.

      At 10 years I had a guard custom made for the ring that serves as both wedding band and anniversary band. It fits the ring well and makes it look very blingy.

      But 80% of the time I just wear the original ring. 10% of the time I wear the guard and the ring together. 10% of the time I wear some other ring just because I feel like it.

      Don’t worry. Choose a ring you like.

    11. That’s my engagement ring!!! And I love it and it’s beautiful, and you should wear it however you want.

    12. I do not wear a wedding band., though I am married. Engagement ring only, celeb-style, lol. Do what you like.

    13. I know at least two people who only have one ring. Since you’ll be the one looking at it and wearing it for many years, best to pick out what you like and do what you like, without considering what “others” might think.

      My wedding band was marketed as an anniversary band, but I love it, and I don’t care what it’s “supposed” to be.

    14. Caveat emptor at Brilliant Earth! I love the idea behind it – sustainable metals and conflict-free gems.

      I have two rings from BE, as do two close friends. We’ve ALL had problems with our rings in <5 years of marriage. Mine broke into two pieces. The rhodium coating repeatedly peeled off a friend's ring. The other friend had the stone and setting fall off the band.

      In all three cases, BE has claimed we mistreated our rings, given us the run around, stonewalled, denied the warranty, and generally given crappy customer service. When my wedding ring broke into two pieces, they suggested I just buy another for $$$$ (which, of course, wouldn't be the ring that my husband gave me on our wedding day, not to mention the huge amount of money they wanted me to pay). BE only agreed to solder it (which they said probably wouldn't last more than a couple years) after I posted a terrible Yelp review. Check out Yelp – there are LOTS of dissatisfied customers.

      I used to be a huge fan of BE but no longer. I check into whether you can get conflict free diamonds elsewhere.

      1. Thanks so much, I’m hesitant about ordering a ring online anyway. I was hoping to find something similar locally, or even an antique ring of a similar style. But, I would have ordered if I could not find anything like that. Will definitely think twice about doing that.

        FWIW, my “intended” (lol, love saying that) wants me to have a plain wedding band to war when we travel or just are going somewhere I might not want to wear diamonds, and after reading all the comments, I think that’s probably a good idea.

  14. Piggy backing off this morning’s discussion about feeling guilty for representing a not so nice client in court: How would you handle being asked to do something that while not illegal is borderline unethical and kind of awful at your job? An example would be a junior associate at a law firm being asked to go to the home of a murder victim with the goal of trying to convince the victim’s loved ones to testify in favor of and/or work towards getting the murderer off of death row (when there is DNA and a confession and no doubt the murderer did the crime they were accused of). Would you do the thing you were asked to do in order to not have your job or career affected? Or would you pass and possibly risk your career or looking bad in the eyes of your superiors?

    1. Not sure about your hypo–it depends too much on the circumstances–but I have occasionally been asked to do things I found distasteful or methodologically unsound but not unethical. I have built up enough good will over the years that when my recommendations are overruled I can usually say, “I don’t feel good about that decision and for that reason I don’t think I can implement it as well as you, person who made the decision. Why don’t you take that part of the project/presentation?” I do not have to do this often.

    2. Hard to say based on your examples b/c in that case I just would frame it as being against the death penalty. You don’t need to think the person is innocent to think that the state should not be in the business of killing people, even if they themselves killed. But if you don’t think so maybe this is not the case for you.
      Incidentally, for some related reading – if this is your issue – google for the profile of “Saint Judith” that was in a recent New Yorker or NYT, she is a high profile defense attorney that works on the “worst of the worst” cases only and the article addresses these concerns.

      1. Thank you. I will Google that article and have a look.

        My issue is not so much with being for or against the death penalty, it’s being told to go to the family of a murder victim and to try and strong arm them into helping to get the man who planned and deliberately killed their loved one off of death row. To work to save his life. Working to get someone off of death row is one thing and in my mind there is nothing unethical or awful about that. But I’m not sure about the attempting to strong arming the victim’s family or visiting all of their homes and trying not to take no as am answer from them. That’s the part that is troublesome.

        1. Honestly, as a litigator, I’ve spent a lot of my time trying to convince witnesses to testify. I’m not sure if you would consider is “strong arming” – I would never coerce or threaten them, but I certainly try to appeal to their sympathies and/or sense of justice. Trying to convince witnesses to change their evidence is another matter altogether, but I think trying to convince them to appear is appropriate. I think the court benefits from having the testimony of all relevant witnesses before it when deciding a case, particularly if it is a life or death decision. I’d be willing to do what you describe in your hypothetical, and I wouldn’t consider it unethical.

          1. They aren’t witnesses. They are the victim’s family. None of them testified in the trial, only at the sentencing. They fought hard for the death penalty and encouraged the DA to go for it. It’s hoped that having the victim’s family on the perpetrators side will help get him off death row (hypothetically).

            I do appreciate your response. It was helpful. Thank you.

          3. If they testified at sentencing, they were “witnesses” and sentencing is often more important than the guilt/innocence phase of a death penalty case. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong in seeking their cooperation in trying to save the client’s life. If they refuse, then they refuse. But I am obviously an anti-death penalty criminal defense lawyer. I do think if you feel you cannot do this, then you need to speak up because the client deserves lawyers who are willing to zealously advocate, including doing things that others find uncomfortable (as long as still legal, ethical, etc. . .)

    3. I’m not sure this question can be answered in the abstract. It really depends what it is. There are times I’ve refused to do something I didn’t feel comfortable with (say, taking on more work than I can handle competently) and there are times that I’ve voice my objection but ultimately defer to a superior (say, waiting to file something until you know opposing counsel is in the middle of trial). Barring illegality of course, it comes down to cover and professional responsibility. The buck stops with the person who is responsible for the work being done.

      Fwiw, I don’t think your example is borderline unethical. I’m anti-death penalty. Although the conversation you describe would be uncomfortable because I’m a human being, I would not have any moral objection to having it.

      1. Yes, I’ve worked as a capital defense attorney, and sometimes the victim’s family do not want the death penalty anyway, if they are opposed to it generally or even just feel there has already been enough blood spilled in this case. And in your hypo, the defense would be trying to get the inmate’s sentence changed to life without parole and transfer them from death row to another high-security prison. They would not be overturning the conviction.

        1. In response to your ethical question, I would not try and bully a witness into testifying a particular way. I would, however, feel under a duty to my client to at least make contact with a potential witness and establish their position. Aside from the victim’s family, though, there are few witnesses I wouldn’t try to gently talk round to supporting out case!

        2. In this case the victim’s family fought hard for the death penalty and the DA’s office went for it because of their input. This was years ago and it is hoped that the family has changed their mind (hypothetically)

          1. So? What is the problem here? If they don’t want to talk to me, they won’t. If they don’t want to change their minds, they don’t. As the convicted persons rep, I have an ethical obligation to him, not to them, and I take that very seriously.

          2. What about suggesting a change in approach? The victim’s family is less likely to be swayed by an attorney representing the defendant and would likely be more amenable to speaking with someone who advocates against the death penalty. Maybe some of the people that protest PP and try to talk people out of abortions would be comfortable trying to get the family to see the error of their ways for supporting the death penalty. You would be telling the person asking you to do it that it would be more effective if you found an advocate to do it on the firm’s behalf.

          3. Wait seriously? You’re going to stick them with crazed pro-life protesters? If a colleague didn’t feel comfortable doing this I would take them office the assignment no problem. If they suggested calling in PP protestors I would have serious questions about their judgment.

          4. I don’t really see the problem. This seems to be fairly standard practice.

            It’s not strong-arming them to just ask “Hey, have you changed your mind about wanting X executed?”. Bullying them to threatening them, yes, that’s bad. But I think it’s owed to the person being put to death to at least ask the question, and I’m all for death penalty.

            People change their minds all the time. They may have healed and that quest for vengeance has gone down somewhat. They may have found religion.

          5. …you’re going to sick PP protestors on them? The people that literally throw stuff at 15 year old girls can call them whores? Yes, that seems like a reasonable approach.

          6. Not to mention that I don’t know how much correclation exists between pro-life people and people opposed to the death penalty. In either direction. It seems like many people who are against abortion have no problem with the death penalty. I’m personally pro-choice and opposed to the death penalty, which some might see as hypocritical.

          7. @Anon 3:53 – pretty sure that anti-choice protesters outside PP clinics are pro-death penalty – see every Republican candidate ever for anti-choice and pro death penalty being an illogical but common position

            I do agree on the point that the perpetrator’s lawyer is less likely to be successful vs an approach by someone from an anti-death penalty group. Good luck with it. As an international ‘rette it always astounds me that ‘death penalty’ is still a thing in the developed world.

          8. Based on your other comments here, Anonymous question, I think if an attorney had the reservations that you’re expressing, then their supervisor needs to hear about it. This is a very delicate conversation and needs to be handled by someone who is emotionally prepared to do it. If that’s not the junior associate in the hypo, then it is better for the client for the senior attorney to assign someone else. Depending on how the junior feels, this might veer into “more than I can competently handle” territory, which of course has ethical implications.

            That’s not to say it wouldn’t negatively impact the junior’s career, but it’s much better to turn down an assignment you know you’ll eff up than to actually eff up the assignment. Sometimes the most profitable case is the one you didn’t take.

  15. Just found out I was the runner up for the third job in as many months. Can I leave work at 4 pm to have a shower beer?

      1. Thanks SB. I guess I can focus all my job search energy on eating right and exercising for a while.

  16. Ooh, love these shoes.

    Question: I’m having a preliminary conversation later today with a CPA who has been strongly recommended to us for 2015 tax prep and future planning. Any particular things I should ask or mention? At this point I am 99% sure that we will work with these people, for various complex reasons/recommendations, so I’m asking more to make sure that I go in as an informed and prepared client.

    1. Do you have any specific tax related concerns that caused to to seek professional assistance? I think it is good to bring those up – not because you’ll get everything answered in a single meeting, but to ensure the CPA is familiar with the issue if it’s anything odd, and also to see the CPA’s communication style so you know what you’ll be getting later on.

      Also ask about process – it is good to know the timing of when they expect to receive your data, how they will communicate with you if there are questions (will the CPA call you personally, email? have an assistant or staff person handle it?) while preparing your return, etc.

      Finally, make sure you discuss fees and billing. Does the CPA charge hourly? Flat fee? What about for non-tax prep services? Are you comfortable with the fee range? Will they present a bill with the return, or bill later on?

      I look at first meetings with a client a little like a first date. All of my work is by referral (so like being set up) but once you meet by phone or face to face, are you comfortable? I know you are planning for work with them, but if it doesn’t feel right, listen to your instincts.

  17. My SO has been laid off. Financially we will be Ok for the next year but wondering how to work this into the conversation? Esp with my boss. I have a weekly call with him so I do I tell him or should I wait to tell him in person when we go for coffee?

    3. I would not tell him. Certainly I wouldn’t tell him in a conversation about work, because your SO’s layoff has nothing to do with your career. If you’re friendly with him and chit-chat about personal stuff and he says “How’s John?” I think it’s fine to say that he’s been laid off and is looking for his next job. But I wouldn’t try to ‘work it into the conversation.’ If it comes up naturally, that’s fine. But it’s not a fact that you should be actively trying to disclose.

    4. I’m confused why you need to work this into conversation. I don’t meant to say no circumstances exist where you would want to–for example, I know someone at a small company where hours were cut based on “who needed the money the least” so letting the boss know that you were now a single income household would be relevant. But I think without giving some indication what the applicable issue is here, you’re mostly going to get “wait, why?” responses.

    5. Why would you tell your boss? What does this have to do with your own job?

      With regard to everyone else, let it come up organically as opposed to “working it in.” A simple “how are you” might be enough to prompt a response of “stressed. SO just lost job…” with a close friend. But other than that, I don’t think it needs to come up unless someone is specifically asking about SO and/or his job.

    7. Ugh something is in the water. I got laid off 2 weeks ago, my former direct report’s husband the next week, and my mom this week.

      When my direct told me, it was more of a convo that came up around 2016 planning and her role.

    8. My husband got laid off about 2 years ago. Never brought it up to my boss or anyone at work during the 6ish months he was out of work. Boss found out about it through another co-worker (who knew because we’re friends), but I never discussed it with him, and it was never an issue.

      With regard to everyone else, I guess I felt that it was a need to know matter. I do think I was somewhat surprised at how supportive people were. It made me realize that it happens to many, many people and isn’t a mark on the person who is laid off. For my husband, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, so I hope that it will be for your SO, as well. And to Anonymous above me.

  18. I’m graduating in May with my Masters and I need to find a dress to wear under my robe. I’m shooting for business casual that can keep me cool in an outdoor ceremony. Is a LE ponte sheath too casual?

    1. Not at all – you can accessorize them with some bling if you want to bring them up a notch. They’re thick though so they might not be the coolest under a heavy robe.

    3. Dress for what you’re doing after the ceremony. (Are you going out for a fancy dinner? Something more casual?) You’ll be wearing your robe during the ceremony so no one will see your clothes. (Shoes on the other hand…)

      1. We aren’t doing anything fancy afterward, so I think the dress will be fine but I hadn’t even gotten to the shoes yet! Good looking out, banana!!

    4. I’m pretty sure a Talbots ponte sheath is what I wore under my law school graduation robes, so I’m going to say it’s fine!

    5. I wore tattered shorts and a ripped t-shirt under mine, haha. I agree with the dress for what you’re doing after advice

    6. I generally wear a sleeveless v-neck dress to graduation. The key for me is shoes with a strap. We have to climb a few stairs in front of everyone in attendance and I don’t want to fall or lose a shoe.

  19. I just found out that my entire team will be in front of the CEO tomorrow (yeah, I’m surprised too). I know that my project will come up, and my manager will want to speak for me. Normally I wouldn’t mind, despite the fact that I’ve done 100% of the work because this is a patriarchy we live in after all (all the higher-ups, from my boss to CEO, are men). I would swallow my pride and smile through it, because my boss’ ego and his standing w/ the CEO is not mine to mess with.

    However, and this is the first time I’ve ever had this problem, I don’t think my boss knows what he’s talking about. I’m nervous he’ll say something incorrect and it’s going to be really hard to stop myself from correcting him in front of the CEO (again, not a great idea). I saw him printing out some slides and cramming (he also just found out about the meeting), but he hasn’t been on any of the site visits or calls except high level stuff and from the questions he asks I can tell he’s lost.

    I guess I know the answer (shut up and let it go for the sake of preserving relationship w/ my boss) but would anyone advocate for me doing otherwise- ie stepping in if my boss veers off course in his reporting of my project?

    1. Why not speak up now and tell your boss you want to play a role in presenting since you have all the info at your finger tips, and suggest that at least he can turn to you on specifics during?

    2. Is getting the details on the project wrong going to affect how the project is handled in the future? Or is this a dog/pony show with not decisions as an outcome?

      If it’s important that the correct details are heard, then you need to speak up. “Thank you boss for that overview. I just wanted to expand on this one point….”

    3. How will him being wrong impact you? If he will just look dumb, let it go. If it could impact the project or team negatively, can you go to him and at least directly ask if you can assist or give the presentation? You can frame it in a helpful way (I see how busy you are, since I’m so familiar, can I….). If he says no, then I think you hold your tongue.

    4. Offer to give him an outline.. but frame it as, “I know that you’re busy and this is last minute, do you want me to prepare a cheat sheet?” And then he says yes and you had it to him, offer to field any questions that pop up and that he may not know. You basically need to give him a face saving way out that also makes you look good.

    5. Story of my life, right here. Although I just wish I could let my boss be massively wrong, the consequences are real and horrible and I need to stay in this position for a little while longer. If you’re in a similar place, I would write an email summary of your project RIGHT NOW. Email it tonight. Think bullet points with relevant facts/figures in bold.

      Make sure your boss is prepped for the high level summary and write a note that you’re happy to provide any details needed. Give your boss enough time to read this before the meeting and/or have a note ready for them in the meeting (print out the email).

    6. 1) it’s normal for a boss to present the work of their subordinates in front of senior audiences so you shouldn’t take it personally. Everyone has bosses.

      2) correct your boss during the presentation only if he gets something wrong that has a major impact.

      3) your story reminds me of an anecdote. My first boss was presenting the work of one of my colleagues to a large audience, like the largest conference room in the building. We attended the presentation. Our boss kept mixing up the names of different intitatives he was describing, one of which had the acronym SHP, which everyone pronounced “ship.” At one point he referenced the wrong initiative and said, “ABC” or whatever, and my colleague called out, “no, ship.”

      Silence fell over the room and it quickly became clear that just about everyone thought she had said “no sh1t” to her boss. During a presentation. In front of a large audience.

      It was one of the greatest days of my career. Boss was a DOOSH and deserved it.

      Colleague was mortified but could laugh about it too.

  20. I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We are a really good pair – we have the same interests and values. He’s a good partner and would be a good parent. He is 32 and I am 30. I am not getting any younger, have been doing a lot of thinking, and thought I would marry him. I know he’d like to marry me. I also really love my life – dream apartment, dream job, dream career, in the one city in which my career makes any sense. It’s an industry town for my industry. Suddenly, he might very well get into a dream grad school. I don’t see a career or life for myself in that town, and have zero interest in re-locating. But I also think he should go if he gets in – it is such an exceptional opportunity. How long is the longest acceptable long-distance relationship? Would you want to be engaged before looking at 3 years long distance? Married? Is life together so impactful that marrying someone who leaves for 3 years would be a recipe for disaster? Should I give up my career and move with him? I was raised by a single mom and know I don’t *need* a man, but I do *need* a career – and I have one I worked hard for. How do I figure this out?

    1. No advice, just questions. Is his MBA a 3 year program, not 2 like most of them? Is the program in a close enough distance that you can spend every weekend together? Where will he want to work after the program – back in your city or somewhere else? Also, and not to be mean, but if you have been together for 5 years and you know you want to marry each other, why aren’t you already engaged or even married by now and making joint decisions based on what’s best for your family unit?

    2. WRT LDRs there is not universal “acceptable” length, you and your BF get to write the rules of your own relationship.

      Personally, my husband and I were long distance for 2 years while I was in law school, 1 year before we got married and 1 year after. We committed to seeing each other at least once a month, we spoke a lot on the phone, and we missed each other but over all it was totally fine. I did want to be engaged before we embarked on a LDR, and in hindsight that was a good thing for us because it did keep us together in tough moments when we would have been tempted to break up.

      3 years may not be a disaster, or it might be. I think you need to know what you’re each prepared to do if you’re not able to hack a LDR. Would he quit the MBA program? Would you quit your job? Would you both move to a town that’s part-way between your towns and deal with a hefty commute? In general, I think not wanting to relocate unnecessarily for 3 years is reasonable, but if you can’t see yourself ever compromising your career for this relationship, then marriage may not be a good idea.

    3. I think 3 years of long distance is doable (long and full of teary goodbyes, but doable) because I did it. DH went to law school in the midwest while I attended on the east coast.

      I would recommend-
      1. Given your ages and relationship history, I’d seriously discuss engagement and marriage. If either of you is reluctant to commit because “who knows if our goals/careers will work together because of / after grad school” I think you know your answer. If you are headed for marriage, you will both want to make your relationship the priority and forge career paths that work for both of you, together.
      2. Related to #1, having an exit strategy beforehand — not “we’ll see where he gets a job in three years.” In our case, we’d decided that we would both work in the Philly area. Having a known, joint endpoint was key. Does your current city have opportunities that match up with his post-grad school goals?
      3. I found it helpful to always have the next visit “booked” when leaving — it was always hard and teary, but at least I could say “see you in 3 weeks” rather than facing the flight home without firm plans.
      4. If you do stay in the relationship, try not to make every visit “fantasyland” where you spend the whole time acting like you’re on vacation… easy to do but hard to transition out of once you’re back to day-to-day life as a couple.

Comments are closed.