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Updated: Apr 5, 2022 308 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Mimosa Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A woman with long blonde hair wearing a dark pink blouse and skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Spring is here and I'm ready for all the bright colors. This silk charmeuse top from Gabriella Rosetti is just perfect in every way. I love the cheery fuchsia color and the fact that the fabric has just a touch of stretch.

If you're looking for a monochromatic moment, there is also a matching skirt.

The top is $275 at 11 Honoré and comes in sizes 12–24. Do note that the item is made on demand, so it will take two to three weeks to ship.

This satin blouse from Vince Camuto is $49–$74 and available in sizes XXS–XL; this Halogen satin blouse comes in regular and petite sizes up to XXL and is $59. This plus-size satin blouse from Vince Camuto is $99 and available in 1X–3X.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    curious about your favorite life or relationship tip, based on recent posts.

    my DH and I use ‘who cares most’ – for example, I don’t care about TV channels/ cable providers so he takes full responsibility on those.

    when we’re stuck on where to eat, one of us picks 3 outings and the other chooses 1 of them.

    what works for you?

    • Ribena

      Two uses for those little 35ml salad dressing pots you can buy for packed lunches:

      1) I filled it with water and froze it then put a 20 pence coin on top of the ice. It now sits in my freezer so I know if there’s been a power cut or other issue that’s caused the temperature to rise inside the freezer (because the coin would sink if the ice melted)

      2) I keep a few upturned over the lids of spirit bottles in my cupboard, because 30 ml is a generous single serve, perfect for a G & T or other mixed drink.

    • Ellen

      I have never played this game, even when I had my ex. He was only able to take, not give, so there was never anything even about our relationship. I got tired of trying to play fair, so I opted out of our relationship, and have not had a live-in boyfreind ever since. So I cared most, but lost. What does that get me? Nothing. I don’t even have a child to show for it b/c he was very sloppy that way, and was not ever able to consumate our interludes properly, leaving me empty in every conceivable way. FOOEY!

      • Ribena

        Oh related to this – ‘assume that your friends actually like you’ which was in an episode of NPR LifeKit I think

      • Anon

        Definitely this one! I tend to fly off the handle and immediately assume the worst. Working on it!

      • Anon

        +1000. Bonus: it’s also one of my favorite management/leadership quips at work. “Assume positive (or at least) neutral intent.” Another variation: “Don’t assume malice.”

        • Gail the Goldfish

          I refer to it as “Never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence”

          • Nesprin

            I’d modify slightly:
            Never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence, but repeated incompetence should be treated as though malicious.

        • Anonymous

          Gosh. The absence of this and “assume good intentions” is, I think, the crux of what I hate about my mother’s two marriages. I’ve never been able to label it so clearly. And I wonder if having words for it might have made it easier for me to conceive of a marriage that I would want to be a part of. What an epiphany.

    • Cb

      I batch loads – all my administrative work emails get done at low energy times of day, I throw the socks in the basket and they all get matched at once.
      Relationship-wise we try and focus on what makes each other’s lives easier. So I’ll try and make a meal with leftovers when I am travelling, my husband goes to the post office for me, etc.

    • anonshmanon

      Not expecting your spouse to read your mind is a big one. It also compels me to voice my problems and wants, so I work on feminism deprogramming of my own mind.

      • Anonymous

        +1 girls are socialized so terribly. Undoing all that brainwashing is hard, I’m working on it myself.

    • Anonymous

      We each have veto power. We have been able to do complex projects like remodels by honoring that and coming up with options we both like.

      • Anon

        We also do veto power but one of us has veto power over something for the other person, such as when I buy a car, he has veto power if he just cannot ride in it or drive it for any length of time. So one of us does the research and makes the presumptive decision, subject to veto power of the other. We use it sparingly — only if it is a deal breaker. It has made decisions so smooth.

    • Anon

      Get to yes. Be an enabler of your spouse. (Uh, addictions and abuse disqualified from this, of course). Makes the sparingly-used “no” more meaningful as well.

    • Anon

      This is similar to “who cares more:” who does it affect more and who has the knowledge to know how this works.

      I’m mostly talking about careers (especially in a different field), pregnancy (sorry, dudes, women get veto power – it’s her body), and gardening. If an academic says that she needs to publish to get tenure or has a hard time switching institutions, don’t try to say that corporate America is different so she’s wrong. If someone says something doesn’t do it for them in the bedroom, accept that their body works differently than yours.

    • Anon

      I forget the source but I read once that in an equal marriage, both people feel like they’re doing 60% of the work. The majority of our minor arguments are over workload (life with kids is busy and there are lots of thankless tasks!) and it’s been great advice for us.

      • nuqotw

        Ha! Spouse and I jokingly remind each other that we each have to do 100% of the work because the kids do negative work…but it’s true! Neither of us buttered the wall or the fridge but each of us kept cleaning butter off these surfaces as we discovered it.

        We have a thank you pact – if one spouse has done something for the family, the other must say thank you. This is true regardless of the size, difficulty, necessity, or whatever of the job done. It has been so good for our marriage.

        • Deedee

          Same here with the thank yous! I keep expecting it to become insincere but the practice actually seems to cultivate and deepen my gratitude over time.

    • Anon

      If you’re doing a task all the time and are resentful about it (say you feel like you’re the only one who ever empties the dishwasher) just stop doing it instead of blowing up about it. This works pretty well in my house – and lest you think it’s me doing this most of the time, it’s actually my husband.

      • Serafina

        Omg are you me? My husband does the exact same thing, and I’ve been trying to get him to stop proactively doing a bunch of things (often dishes) he will later blow up about!

    • Deedee

      My spouse and I rarely ask the other to do inconvenient favors, but it is incredibly important to me that if and when we do, we know the other will say yes. (These are always not crazy things, ofc!)

      For example I always expense biz travel but when I was with a family member in the hospital late evening before a trip, he agreed to get up at 4:45 to drive me to the airport because I kind of wanted the emotional support of being with my spouse, not an uber. It sounds silly typing it out, but I know that when he approaches me with a serious request that he is not making the request lightly and I do everything possible to honor it, not roll my eyes or negotiate.

      This probably works because both of us are not naturally askers or takers and we overall are simpatico about chores and responsibilities.

  2. New York

    I’m going to be in New York for work the first week of May for work meetings, and will be staying in midtown. I don’t travel to New York enough to have a set routine. What is the most manageable airport from a traffic and getting through security and to the gate efficiently perspective?

    • NYCer

      All three airports are roughly equivalent IMO, but LGA is typically the quickest to midtown if you are taking a taxi or car service.

    • NYNY

      La Guardia is easiest to get to and from. Newark is a schlep from midtown, and traffic to JFK makes travel time unpredictable. La Guardia is in the midst of some major reconstruction, but I traveled through last month and it was fine.

      • Anon

        LGA seems to have had construction for the 20ish years I have been flying into it.

    • Anonymous

      They are all awful I think, although LGA seems especially bad. But that is probably just because I end up there the most and trying to drive through the construction there is a nightmare (which you will not personally have to do).

    • Anon

      I live in NJ so I’m biased but I prefer Newark or JFK. I heard horrible things about LaGuardia. I think it also depends on whether you will take an Uber or public transportation and if your company is covering those expenses. Ubers to and from Newark are so easy!

    • AIMS

      LGA has recently gotten an upgrade. It’s the quickest to get to. The only downside is sometimes it takes a while to get clearance to leave (not sure if the recent upgrade has solved that one). JFK is fine. I try to avoid Newark as much as possible b/c it’s longer trip to/from Manhattan, more expensive and I don’t like non-yellow cabs (you get a very random assortment of cabs in Newark vs. LGA/JFK).

        • AIMS

          I don’t know how easy that would be. The cabs generally have to line up for passengers in a queue so it’d be hard to do I think. You can always have a scheduled car service but that’s a different thing. Maybe someone has more recent experience but I have never had luck with uber/lift FROM the airport.

    • Anon

      I live on the west coast so I can’t do LGA (no nonstop transcon flights). I didn’t JFK on Virgin for a while but I have found United into EWR more consistent. The traffic from Manhattan to EWR seems to be a bit more reliable than from Manhattan to JFK if you’re taking a car service/Uber, which is what I do.

      • NYCer

        For cross country flights, I prefer Newark as well. I take car service (not fancy, comparable to Uber/Lyft, but just scheduled ahead of time) and live on the west side, so it is actually quite easy to get to/from Newark. Traffic from JFK is definitely the most annoying.

  3. Anonymous

    Starting to think about my law school reunion in a couple months. I’d like to look stunning, Obvi, in a way that will catch the eye of my crush, as though I’m staring in my own rom com montage. My school is pretty casual and there are no fancy events. The weather will likely be between 60-78. At home I wear jeans, tops, and nap dresses. I’m a size 16 hourglass and while I adore my vast nap dress wardrobe I will acknowledge they make me look larger which is not what I’m going on. Anyone have thoughts or inspiration? 2 daytime looks, 2 evening looks.

  4. Anon

    I need to power through a mountain of work today, and I do better if my workspace atmosphere is pleasant. I’ve got some music going, just lit a candle (WFH). How do you hype yourself up to get a lot of work done?

    • Cb

      I’ll make myself a really nice cup of tea, with a slice of lemon, drink it out of the good mugs. And I’ll completely clear my desk of clutter.

      • Anon

        Oh yes to clearing the desk of clutter! Even it’s just dumping everything in a drawer, haha.

    • Anne-on

      Cup of hot tea, nice candle, cozy slippers/wrap (if you’re at home) and a good playlist. I also try to build in some breaks so I have something to look forward to, and maybe lunch (or a fancy treat) from a nicer place than normal.

    • Vicky Austin

      Sometimes a super quick yoga session really clears the decks for me! I also tend to get overwhelmed trying to assemble a to-do list, so rather than spend ages drafting a comprehensive one, I just brain dump, and then pick three or four items from it and call them the Right-Now To-Do List. (Now that I think about it, the To-Do-Right-Now List has a better ring to it…) I am also a fan of the candle technique.

    • Anon

      I need to have instrumental (no lyrics) music playing. It helps me focus and provides enough background noise without being distracting.

      • AIMS

        +1 – Classical music and a good cup of tea/coffee in a “fancy” mug; clear surface and uncluttered sight line.

    • Carrots

      I find if I have hard pants on (like jeans) vs. sweats, I’m more committed to the work. Makes it harder for me to just give up and fall into bed for an extended nap.

    • Anon

      I pick a multi-episode podcast I haven’t started yet and put it on, and get myself a glass of ice water.

  5. Elle

    I‘ve done a lot of reading and growing towards fat acceptance, intuitive eating, and being body neutral over the last few years. I really felt like I was moving the right direction. Then I saw photos of myself from this past weekend and it felt like it all went out the window. Why is it so much easier to love other people at any size than it is to love yourself in a bigger body? I just want to cry.

    • anon

      Big hugs. We are steeped in a deeply toxic culture that makes this an uphill battle. I’m sorry you felt that way. I have been there, too, and it’s hard. Remember that acceptance is not a straight line. There will be setbacks. Keep doing you, and keep reminding yourself of everything you’ve learned.

    • anonshmanon

      YMMV, but this reminds me of when I see older pictures of myself (high school years), I always see how pretty I looked and regret how hard I was on myself, with a ‘ugly duckling’ self image. It makes me focus more on what I like about me today, because I don’t want to kick myself 20 years from now, for repeating my mistake of not having appreciated myself in the present.

      • AIMS

        This is so true. My mom always says that no matter what you think now, in 20 years you will think, “I looked great!”

        Also, while it’s easier said than done, try to view yourself from the outside. When I go shopping with a friend I don’t think about all the ways her body could look better in clothes, I think, “those jeans are flattering” or “that dress doesn’t work.” With myself, I notice I sometimes think, “this would look better if I had a flatter stomach” or something similarly unproductive. I try to treat myself as I would a friend. It takes practice but it helps.

      • Anon

        Moira rose: “Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think “oh, I’m too spooky” or “nobody wants to see these tiny boobies” but, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say “dear god, I was a beautiful thing.”

    • Anonymous

      I feel your pain. I apparently have body dysmorphia in which I think I’m a lot slimmer than I am. And it is especially galling to find I care that I look fat in photos taken of me FINISHING A HALF MARATHON. Anyway, no advice but hugs.

      • Anon

        Not to distract from the main point, which is that finishing a half marathon is a great accomplishment and anyone who does it is in reasonably good shape:

        Finish line photos make everyone look terrible, unless they are naturally very willowy or an elite athlete. Some of this is the photo itself; I look lean in videos of me crossing the finish line (I’m a size 6/8) but look like downright chunky in photos. The photos are often close-ups that don’t get the full body; they trick your eye into seeing the same weight distributed across less height, with no visual cues (trees, landscaping) for scale. After a long race, people slump over; the abs give out; the shoulders give out. Elites look great because they have the same form at the end as the start; mere mortals look weak.

      • BB

        I think I have this too! I’m in the best cardio shape of my life (sounds like you are too), and recently got some headshots taken that were horrifying.

        • Anon

          I just want to say, headshots are like that. I was appalled when I got mine back but I got used to them and now I attach them to everything without a second thought (I’m a consultant, I send out my bio a lot)

    • Anon

      I think this is true in a lot of areas. I talked with my therapist last week about how I’m delighted for my friends who make a lot of money, but I feel shame for the same thing. I also hug my friends who are going through a hard time and aren’t productive at work but then berate myself for doing the same thing. Likewise, I think my friends are beautiful and wonderful at any size but often don’t extend the same feelings to myself. I’m not sure what the solution is other than mindfulness of the feeling and knowing that it’ll pass, and also reminding myself that I need to be my own best friend sometimes.

      Lots of commiseration, in other words.

    • anon

      I’ve been doing a lot of the same work and also still facing the same challenges. I just remember that it is a process, acknowledge the thoughts, and realize I have more work to do. It is really hard work and it is amazing that you have invested in it. Hugs.

    • NYNY

      Body acceptance is hard work, and the mainstream culture is not supportive, so give yourself credit for how far you’ve come. You’re doing great, even with a setback.

      Two thoughts about where you are now:
      – Try to refocus on how you felt this weekend. I’m guessing that you were involved in a group activity, and hoping that you had a great time. Did you connect with people? Did you laugh? For me at least, so much of body acceptance is about paying more attention to how I feel than how I look.
      – If pictures are a trigger for you, that’s useful information. Maybe you can avoid pictures of yourself for some time. Maybe pictures of other people are bad, too? Think about how to best take care of yourself the way you would think about how best to take care of someone you love.

      I know you’ve got this.

    • Anonymous

      No advice, just commiseration. I’m like this with everything, not just body size. I’m understanding of others but critical of myself. Idk why I hold myself to such a high standard.

      • anon

        Same. The scary part is that it doesn’t FEEL like a high standard. It just feels like “what I’m supposed to do.”

        • Carrots

          This! I’ve been working on this in therapy as well, and I have definitely left a therapy session (or five) crying, while my therapist reminds me I’m worthy of things.

    • Ses

      I’m there, too. I’m trying to separate the “I look horrible” voice in my head into “my posture is bad/ that outfit doesn’t fit right” vs fat shame. And then I try to ignore the latter and fix up the former.
      Also, I try to look at myself in photos more. Sometimes I think the image I have in my head vs reality is what causes my negative reaction.
      But yeah, I want to cry sometimes thinking about how overlaid with almost-moral contempt my perception of my weight is. It’s so hard to train out.

    • Monday

      I always hate photos of myself. And the comment about “looking fat” when finishing a half marathon helps highlight how this is totally unconnected to health or fitness. (At the finish line of any race, no matter how long, you see a great variety of shapes and sizes.)

      I don’t really look at photos of myself much, and I don’t have many. When I do have these thoughts, I remind myself that everything in my life is still the same, and has nothing to do with how I look in photos. My friends and family love me, I’m physically active and enjoy it, I have clothes I like that fit well, I do good work in my job, etc. How would a sudden conviction that I’m too big (based on this photo) change any of this? It would probably just lead back to restricted eating, being hungry all the time, and having weirdness about meals and sweets put a damper on my fun and my relationships with others. That sounds ridiculously self-defeating.

      • anon

        Your second paragraph is so good. I am healthy and work out regularly. But I am not, and never have been, thin, except when I was being really restrictive or had lost tons of weight due to stress and anxiety. I decided a long time ago that it is not worth living that way. Do I always love how I look? Nope, sure don’t. But I know that putting myself on a lifelong diet would wreck my mental health.

        • Monday

          Amen. Everything has *improved* for me since I stopped making myself stay hungry all the time.

          There’s literally only “wearing a larger size” in a theoretical “con” column. I guess. And that’s it. While on the “pro” side is every single other factor in my life.

          • Anon

            You’re so right, and I also believe that it’s a better way to maintain a reasonable weight. I’m much happier eating two or three cookies a day than I am eating zero cookies every day for weeks on end, then, in a fit of exasperation, binge eating an entire box. It’s probably something my body can better handle, too.

          • Monday

            100%, 11:22. My size stopped changing completely. My clothes have all fit the same since around 2016. When I was thinner, I was constantly stressing and having to replace things because I must have been weight cycling. Weight cycling is much worse for health than having a higher but stable weight.

          • Anonymous

            My size stopped changing completely until mid-COVID. I had felt so zen about my weight and size and my clothes always fitting but around winter of 2021 it started changing and it’s been hard to accept. Even though it’s been years of intuitive eating and body acceptance, I’m feeling those same urges to “do something” about my weight. It’s hard.

    • emeralds

      Hey, I just wanted to say: it’s okay if you feel like crying. This sh*t is hard. Deprogramming yourself from the fatphobia we all internalize as part of growing up in a female body in a patriarchal world is not a linear journey. That doesn’t mean you are a failure or that all of the progress you’ve made over the last few years isn’t worth anything–it absolutely is, and I am so, so proud of you for doing this work for yourself.

      I’m 33 and I have been on this journey in one way or another since ohhh probably my senior year of high school, when I realized that I couldn’t live with my disordered eating patterns anymore. I’ve learned so much since then, and while I will never “love” my body, 98% of the time we get along fine. The other 2% can still be really f*cking tough, but the longer I’ve stayed the course, the faster I’ve found that I bounce back. I don’t think I’ll ever be free of the self-critical thoughts, the occasional urge to cry if something triggers me, or (when things are really bad) the urge to make choices that I know are not good for my health or in line with my values…but I’m so much better at trusting that they will pass. And they do.

      I hope that this comes to be true for you, too. Please know that I am sending you all the love and support in the world right now.

    • Anonymous

      Learn how to pose in pictures so you don’t accidentally look worse than you really do; try to remember how happy you were to be at the event and focus on that, and don’t stop taking pictures out of shame or you will lose a vital part of your life, remembering the good times.

    • nuqotw

      Lots of hugs. If it helps, I have never seen a woman who didn’t look beautiful. I’m sure you do too!

    • anon.

      Some meditations I do talk about your body as the shell/home you need to get through this life, and being kind to your home will help you live a better life. I really love this view, hopefully it helps someone else.

  6. Ribena

    People celebrating spring time holidays, I’d love to know what you’re all serving?

    I’m doing an Easter lunch for my friends (like a Friendsgiving) and so far the plan is:
    – marzipan Old Fashioneds (recipe links to follow)
    – nibbles/ olives/ cheese straws/ polenta chips
    – roast chicken/ various roast veg/ broccoli salad
    – kladdkaka topped with icing sugar and 13 chocolate eggs (as an actually-tasty version of a Simnel cake).

    One of the group is gluten free – the only thing she can’t eat will be the cheese straws. I’m making the kladdkaka with ground almonds instead of flour – tested it at the weekend and it worked fine.

    Would love any more ideas for the appetiser/main though – especially things I can ask people to bring!

      • Out of Place Engineer

        And I’ll be making the old fashioned! :)

        I always make a lamb cake for Easter. We have been doing brunch a home for the past few years, so most of our mains are more breakfast focused.

      • Ribena

        My table is too small for a centrepiece sadly so I’ll be serving ‘buffet style’ on the counter. (I have a tiny little 4 person table and we will be five – will be pressing my step stool and desk chair into service to get enough seating). I’d also like to avoid making anything big and centrepiece-y that my gluten free friend can’t eat

        • Ribena

          But this sounds delicious and beautiful in theory! I think it’s part of Italian Easter traditions to do one of these with dyed eggs on?

          • anonshmanon

            I have no idea! My mom is not Italian, but maybe she got it from a magazine. She used to put eggs inside when we were little, but the bread is the real star.

    • Cb

      That sounds gorgeous. Maybe fruit to go alongside the kladdkaka? What about some sort of corn/polenta muffin to go alongside the main?

    • Anon

      My kids went from little to tween during the pandemic, so they didn’t have Easter while they were ostensibly aging out of it. Are there any family things to do with tweens for Easter? We are avoiding church b/c it will be overrun (we don’t go xmas or Easter, but will go to an odd-timed service; older cousin is visiting so we won’t drag him out of bed for a sunrise service). Family lunch? Hiking? It seems a bit of missing the holiday. To top it off, one kid has stopped liking chocolate. Everyone hates eggs. I feel like the scrooge of Easter but am drawing blanks here.

      • Diana Barry

        We have an egg hunt with another family and just hang out all day with them. Before they get here I still put out the kids’ Easter baskets (‘hidden’ for them to find) and scatter jelly beans all over the house for them to hunt in the morning, so it’s a day of sugar highs and crashes but mellow and low key at the same time.

        • PolyD

          I think my brother and sister and I still hunted for eggs and baskets when we were tweens/young teens. The twist was, my dad did NOT make it easy! I think one basket was up the chimney and the other was lowered into a gap in the bathroom wall when the bathroom was being redone, another was in the rafters in the garage…

          I still liked dyeing eggs into my teens, but we did blown out eggshells because not too many people in my family (basically just me and my dad) liked hard boiled eggs. A friend of mine did those pysanky eggs with her teen some years ago – maybe something like that if your kids are craft-inclined?

      • Anons

        My kids also became tweens/teens during the pandemic. We started doing a really hard Easter egg hunt, with eggs filled with candy but also money and other little things they would like. The weather has cooperated so we can do it outside. Sometimes our neighbors and their kids join us so we can spread out among the two yards. My husband is really tall so he hides things up high in trees. This year one kid really likes cooking so I’ll get them to make a cake with me.

      • Teens

        How about a Peeps diorama competition? Best scene with those marshmallow bunnies, etc, wins. (A la old Washington Post contest.) You could also make cookies or cupcakes and go to town with red hots, shredded coconut, etc. I use my teens’ old Easter baskets (10+ years old at this point) and do themes, plus lots of sour candy, which is their fav. One year we did water because we were going scuba diving that summer, so new goggles and rashguards and little silly blowup sharks/eels. Have also done sports baskets – football gloves and shinguards or socks and more needles to blow up all the soccer/basket/foot-balls. We also did some classic rock band tshirts (found at Target) and shorts one year when they were growing super fast and always needed clothes. If they like picnics or hikes, and the weather is fine, then that might be fun. Otherwise, family movie afternoon? Maybe everyone picks one dish and there is collaborative family cooking?

      • Anon

        My kids still get Easter baskets and they’re 19,21. We do an Easter lunch at home – on par with Christmas dinner, slightly scaled down from Thanksgiving. We are not religious so we’ve never done church, but we did stop the egg hunt once they were old enough to be more interested in sleeping in than hunting for eggs.

      • Nesprin

        How about a more complicated craft? I had a great time at that age doing more complicated egg dying- my mom got a kit for pysanky dyed eggs, where you block off regions with wax then dip dye in sequential colors like you would batik. We still have the eggs- they’re really quite cool.

      • Anon

        Friends of ours do a Beer Hunt for the adults (fun).

        For my young teens, who do more Passover than Easter in our interreligious/mostly Jewish house, we do an Easter egg hunt outside. Some eggs have candy I know they’ll like. Some eggs have money. I suppose I could also add in printouts of Amazon giftcards, etc.

        We also have done Peep jousting in my family of origin for years. Two Peeps (chicks work best by a lot) in the microwave. One toothpick in the chest of each. Have them face each other and turn the microwave on. They’ll puff up and the Peep that first lances the other wins. You can have a whole tournament.

    • Anon

      One year I made for Easter a ham, scalloped potatoes, and asparagus with chopped egg, and now we have to have that every year. My kids gave me a proper scalloped potato baking dish for Christmas just to make sure I keep making them haha.

      I tried lots of scalloped potato recipes but the easiest one is the best one:

      https://www.verybestbaking.com/carnation/recipes/scalloped-potatoes/

      But I use Tillamook cheddar instead of Parmesan.

  7. Anon

    Looking for insights from mid career attorneys (in house in particular) who have advanced to leadership positions. I’m in house in a senior but individual contributor role, and am hoping to have my first direct report later this year. What affirmative steps did you take to make this happen? Pitfalls to be wary of? I’m 15+ years out of law school, but relatively new to in house. My boss is supportive, but also super micro managey, so I know I’ll need to navigate this carefully.

    • Anon

      Generally speaking, you don’t just make yourself a people manager when you’re in-house. Either you’re hired as a practice group lead or an SME. If you’re an SME who needs help, then make your case for hiring people to report to you. Or let it be known you’d be interested in people management if the opportunity arises. Caution though, only do this is you’d actually be a good boss and you care about developing others. If it’s a notch on your belt only, you should rethink.

      • Anon

        OP here. This is super helpful, thanks. I am an SME, and the first hire in my niche area for the company. My boss has no experience in this particular area and has already said we will be hiring 2-3 more attorneys in my area. So I guess the pitch is along the lines of what you said – since there’s a clear need, I’d like to be the ones to manage those new hires.

        • Anon

          Yes, it help of you can make the case around how your ROI would increase with more lawyers – show what work they’d do that helps enable you to do higher level work and advance the business. Metrics can help.

  8. Anon

    I made the mistake of checking Zillow in our college town last night. There is a house for sale for $1.3M half a mile from our house. It’s quite a bit bigger and fancier than our house, but in a worse school district. We bought our house for $350k six years ago and when we were house-hunting we didn’t see any houses listed over $600k, so this is absolutely eye-popping to me. Then of course I had a stress dream that my husband didn’t get tenure and we had to move to Oklahoma (!?) and all the houses for less than $800k were terrible and we were so sad. This housing market is truly bananas and I really feel for anyone trying to buy a house now. It’s tempting to sell our house at a huge profit, but I have no idea how we would buy anything else.

    • Anonymous

      No advice but I feel ya. We’re serial house hunters. My husband made the mistake of telling me he listened to a podcast (I think it was Meb Faber?) that said the market should cool in about 3 years…except for Texas and Florida: those are probably going to be bonkers forever. I still laugh at my 25 year old self passing on a 350k house in Austin because we “couldn’t afford” it. Last I checked it’s worth 1.2 million. Sigh.

      • Anon

        We stayed in a beach house in Destin Florida in December 2020 that had just sold for $800k. When we went back a year later Zillow said it was worth $1.4.

    • Anonnymouse

      I bought my first home a year ago, and started the house hunting process not realizing how nuts the market was. The fact that it’s even worse now makes me so thankful we got a house when we did!

    • Anon

      We recently lost out on a near-perfect house in our goal neighborhood. Husband is desperate to move and he loved this house. We’re not sure of the final going price but we bid well over ask with generous other terms and we didn’t get it, so it’s a sore spot. I think we’re fine in our current home but I am feeling the itch to move too. I just cannot believe what the market is doing right now, and rates have really jumped over the past few weeks so it’s feeling like we really missed the boat in terms of affordability and now we’re going to need to settle for something we just like enough, and not love. It’s really depressing.

    • Anon NYC

      Sadly it’s not just the buyers feeling the pinch. My roommate is moving out of NYC and all the apartments are crazy expensive or in sketchy neighborhoods or crappy apartments. I have to find my own apartment, find a new roommate which is the last thing I want to do, or pray the new rent increase isn’t outrageous so my bf can move in.

  9. anon

    I’ve always been a morning workout person because I like getting it done early in the day, it puts me on the right track, and it’s so much easier than trying to fit it in after work and during the evening, which is a flurry of kid activities, chores, etc. BUT. I have become deeply resistant to doing it lately. I have blown off more workouts in the past couple of months than I’ve completed. This isn’t just an off day where I need more rest or don’t feel well. I don’t know what changed, or what’s going on with me. If you’ve hit this slump before, how did you get past it and return to your old routine? I think part of my problem is that my goals have become unclear and I’m not training for anything specific.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like the first and simplest approach is to articulate some goals or figure out something you’d like to train for. Is that doable?

    • Anon

      When this happens to me, I sign up for a 5K 60 to 90 days out to force myself to get back to it!

    • Anon

      Maybe try a different type of workout? Sign up for a new class if you are comfortable with that. Or else, meet a friend for a morning run.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Maybe mix it up? Could you make it to a class in the morning vs. working out on your own?

    • PolyD

      Can you still do it in the morning, but a little later? I can’t work out first thing – I lay in bed and don’t want to get up – but if I get up, have some coffee and yogurt, and then work out (so, about 45 minutes to an hour after getting up), I’m usually good to go.

      • anon

        That’s my approach on weekends and it works great. Unfortunately, the schedule on workdays is a bit tighter to make that work.

    • Anonymous

      My mantra is that I have not blown the exercise day if I don’t go out first thing, I can still do something at the end of the day.

    • Anon

      Sounds like you need a new routine, not a mechanism to force you back to your old routine.

      • Anonymous

        This. I had been a 5am workout person, but it was starting to feel unsustainable and I would skip all too often. So I’ve moved to 6:15am. Which means that I don’t have time for a quiet coffee after my workout, but I am getting more sleep and I don’t sleep through my workout, so it’s worth it.

      • roxie

        Agreed. OP, have you tried an afternoon or evening workout lately? Is it possible with your schedule? I WFH and have no kids of my own (do live with one though but I don’t parent) and the 4pm workout is A+++ (I live in mountain time and mostly work eastern hours so this is post-work for me). It gives me the energy boost I need to then cook a great dinner and transition to evening. Sometimes I go back to desk work after but it really works for my body and brain.

  10. Anonymous

    I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time and have gained WAY more weight than I thought I had, and I’m 20 pounds above my normal/ideal weight.

    I know how to lose weight slowly by eating well (I just have to stop eating at restaurants and drinking), but do any of these trendy or once trendy diets like Whole30, South Beach, Atkins, etc. work? I would only do it for a limited period of time and then revert to just…trying to eat less than I usually do. I’m just horrified by the amount of weight I’ve gained in the past year and want to do something to jumpstart some loss.

    • Anon

      Those diets can work for short term losses, BUT the problem is they don’t change your habits in a way that is sustainable and longterm. If part of the issue is that you don’t want to just eat a bit less now, then it seems unlikely you’ll be motivated to do that longterm after Whole 30 is over. The more sustainable way to lose weight BY FAR is to do so slowly and really build habits that will last.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, makes sense. I have already started eating a bit less and think I will be able to continue now that I’ve realized how far I’ve slid in the wrong direction…but it would be nice to get a 10-pound jumpstart on that, then keep losing at, like, 1 pound a week. I am just very skeptical in general about things that seem too good to be true.

    • Anonymous

      They all work until you stop them and then you gain the weight right back again. You’re much better off losing slowly and sensibly.

    • Anon

      I like something like Whole30 for meeting specific goals, like if I’ve let my sugar consumption creep up and I need to reset my palette. Diets are tools, you just have to figure out how to use them in the way that best meets your needs.

      On a long-term scale, food measurement and calorie counting are really the only way to go, IMO. The second I get lazy about tracking, my food volume gradually creeps back up. Most people just need to acknowledge that they don’t have good spatial intelligence and can’t “eyeball” proper portions.

    • Anonymous

      Here is a good jump start. Breakfast- delicious cappucino. Lunch 2 eggs. Dinner 2 eggs cooked differently snakc 1 apple. Do this for 5 days. You don’t get hungry and it’s a great jump start. No drinking alcohol. Good luck.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks, this is definitely in my wheelhouse! (Except the not drinking alcohol, but it’s gotta go…)

      • Anonymous

        This is definitely person dependent. I would feel really sick if I ate nothing in 5 days but 20 eggs and 5 apples (and 5 coffees).

        • Anonymous

          Charles Saatchi the advertising genius and one-time husband of Nigella Lawson lost 100 lbs in a year by only eating eggs.

          • Anon

            The abusive ex? An extreme, unsustainable diet? None of this is a good recommendation.

      • No Problem

        I would be ravenous on this diet. Also, this is what, 500 calories a day at the most? 0% sustainable, even for a single day. Do not do this.

      • Walnut

        My version of eggs cooked differently in the evening on this diet would definitely be a monster eggs benedict with bacon, english muffin, tomato, avocado and hollandaise.

      • roxie

        wow I hope this is a joke.
        Putting aside how I would be mentally unable to function on this, this is the exact sh*t that messes up your metabolism and ultimately makes it HARDER to lose weight. Go peddle your junk diets elsewhere.

        • anonshmanon

          this. There is so much wrong with such an extreme diet. It can have long-term consequences for your metabolism and your health.

      • anon

        You don’t get hungry? Because this wouldn’t be enough food for my first grader, let alone a grown adult.

    • Anon

      The diets work and you likely know what you have to do to keep weight off – obviously change your habits. I think South Beach even has phases, like a more restrictive phase first and then you transition to a long term plan.

    • Anon

      This isn’t a diet, but I found the Noom app super helpful when I wanted to lose a few lbs that crept on during the pandemic and then maintain my weight. Weighing myself each morning and tracking that helped with just awareness of the trend. Tracking what I eat helped me calibrate to the amount I actually need to eat at this point in my life (which is unfortunately quite a bit less than I thought, but such is life).

    • Anon

      Those diets normally work because they reduce your calorie consumption while improving satiety by improving nutrition, which helps you keep going with fewer calories. Keep in mind 20 lbs over 2 years of the pandemic is about 100 calories extra per day (so you could have gained 20 lbs by having an extra banana per day). Incremental changes can make a big difference, and it’s fine to take weight loss slowly and sustainably.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, I can do it slowly by just paying attention to eating extra bananas (though I wish I didn’t have to). But the idea of it taking 6 months to lose this weight 1 pound/week at a time is depressing. But of course that’s how I gained it in the first place…

        • Anon

          Crash dieting wrecks your metabolism and does not set you up for maintaining weight loss (ie your body is more likely to slow its metabolism and hold on to the calories you do consume). Slow and steady wins this race.

    • Anonymous

      One thing diets like the fast 800, 5:2, whole 30 etc can do, is break som patterns quickly. It can be good for morale to get a jumpstart, and see results quickly.

      Since you already do know what works long term and what is sustainable for you, it’s also more likely that you can have a good effect from a restart diet.

  11. Anon

    Advice please, wise hive.
    A young woman I know through a somewhat professional context shared with me that she had been caressed inappropriately by a senior supervisor at her large corporation. We discussed things she could do, such as reporting to HR, talking to her supportive (male) direct boss, talking to a senior woman at her company (there are few). She did not want to pursue any of those. I suggested at least sending herself an email documenting it with the date, and that she keep a written record of any other incidents, in case she does want to report at some time, and that she also take care not to be alone in the office. I tried to emphasize this is not her fault, that he was acting completely inappropriately, and that it’s not right that she should have to modify her behavior but that it would be wise not to be alone in the office when he is around.
    I felt bad I didn’t have better advice to give. I offered to report it myself (anonymously if she preferred), or to speak to someone on her behalf; she declined. I do not know her parents or anyone at her workplace. What should I do or should I have said? What other advice would you give or actions would you take? I am not in a corporate environment, and have been fortunate enough to know who to turn to at my institutions should something like this ever happen. Thank you for any insights.

    • anonshmanon

      It sounds to me like you hit the main points, since it’s not your workplace and you don’t have a professional obligation to intervene. If she seemed at all on the fence about reporting it, I’d bring up that she might not be the only or the last young woman to have this experience with this colleague, but that it can only be stopped when the truth comes out. But it’s still her decision.

    • Anonymous

      That’s all you can do and speaking to either her parents or someone at her workplace would be wildly inappropriate

      • NYCer

        +1000. I would be absolutely horrified as an adult woman if someone I spoke to in confidence went behind my back and told my parents or anyone at my workplace about our conversation.

      • Anon

        To clarify, I would not speak to anyone without her permission. Just trying to give a picture of our relationship. I appreciate the reinforcement that would not be appropriate.

    • Anonymous

      Wow, I had almost the exact same experience very recently. I think that’s what you can do, ultimately she is an adult and it’s up to her, though providing support is important.

    • Anon

      So your gut instinct to “help” a grown woman who has been sexually violated is to undermine her by tattling to her parents? I think you need to step back from this situation entirely.

      • Anon

        To clarify, I would not speak to anyone without her permission. I wanted to head off any suggestion of that, but I can see how that came out wrong. I would still like any positive suggestions.

          • Anon

            Agree with 11:53. I was a required reporter at my last company since I was a manager so I got in the middle of a situation where a coworker thought she was just venting to me.

          • Anon

            OP said it is not the same company so she does not have reporting responsibilities, but it always makes me sad when a junior comes to me to vent and I have to say “Before you say another word, please know that I have to report any harassment to HR so do not tell me anything you do not want the firm to know.” It’s gotten to the point where we will walk into each other’s office and say “for the record, this is funny but not harassing or discriminatory” when repeating the latest remark straight from the 1950s from the senior male partner we actually all love to work with because he gives us interesting, substantive work with reasonable deadlines (as opposed to the one who says all the right things but assigns new moms summaries).

        • Anon

          Ok this is not going to be the most professional suggestion but if you’re in a small industry, let people know this guy is a creep without naming your friend.

          • Anon

            This. Who cares if it’s “professional” or not?? In this context, professionalism just exists to protect people like this.

    • Seventh Sister

      I think you gave her great advice and I wouldn’t worry about trying to do more than you have done in this situation. It’s ultimately her decision to report the behavior, and she may change her mind in the future even if she’s declined to pursue it right now.

    • Anon

      I had a senior coworker kiss me on the cheek while drunk at a retirement party. I told no one until someone suggested he be my mentor. I then told that person that I wouldn’t be alone with him and why. That solved the mentor thing. That person did disclose to the CEO (with my permission/without my name). I would encourage her to tell someone she trusts to handle it well.
      That same guy offered me a job at his new company years later and I declined.

    • Anon

      How their PTSD is relevant to the work you’re asking them to do? How do you know about their PTSD? Are they asking for accommodations? I have depression and it’s still my job to get my job done, even when I feel bad.

      • anon

        The employee disclosed their diagnosis to me, has a service animal to help, and will tell me when they are having a tough day related to PTSD and ask to take PTO as needed. They were also on unrelated medical leave many months of 2021. I’ve worked with them for 5 years but just became their manager.

    • Anon

      I think you can accommodate it like any other disability and keep a professional distance from any of the details.

    • Anon

      If you have an EAP, you can call the EAP and ask for help managing this direct report. You can also recommend (but not require) that the direct report call the EAP.

    • Anon

      PTSD sufferer here. The best thing you can do is to understand that office norms aren’t negotiable. If someone needs time off for medical care, and you can give them that flexibility without needing to take PTO, do it – whether that’s a cancer treatment or therapy for PTSD. A lot of PTSD sufferers cannot handle erratic and unpredictable environments. I am remarkably adept at handling unpredictable workloads; what I can’t handle is people behaving in erratic ways that are

      One of the hardest things for a manager or HR to support is my need to leave my trauma at the door. I don’t particularly want to talk to people about this stuff; for most of my life, I could count on one hand the number of people who knew that I was abused as a child. I especially do not want to talk to coworkers about it, who are not the little experts in psychology they think they are. All I can say is, be explicit with your direct report that she’s allowed to have boundaries in the office and you won’t nail her in a performance review for not being a “team player” if she doesn’t open up about her trauma.

      • Anon

        End of first paragraph got deleted: what I can’t handle is people behaving in erratic ways that are triggering – e.g., yelling, screaming, slamming things on my desk, etc. Again, office norms dictate you shouldn’t behave that way to begin with.

      • Anon

        +1 to the not a team player thing. If other people are trying to use your trauma as their personal entertainment and gossip fuel it makes the workplace terrible. It shouldn’t be required that they talk to coworkers about personal issues.

  13. Anonymous

    For the person yesterday who was looking for a gala gown – I recently tried on a dress at Nordstrom that I think fits the bill. I’m a 12, busty, short. The Alex Evening cold shoulder ruffle gown was lovely, flattering, and modest. It skims nicely over the belly, the neckline is conservative, the petite size didn’t need hemming, and my husband said my butt looked great in it. It’s available up to size 16. It’s also only $130 but looked more expensive. It was a bit more covered up than I wanted for my upcoming event, but it would be perfect for something like a kid’s school event. Have fun!

  14. Anon

    Just here to vent. My mother is a widow in her late 80s – my father passed away a year ago. She lives about half an hour for me and I speak to her every other day or so. Eleven days ago she told me she was thinking of putting her house on the market and moving to live near my brother and his wife in a city several hours away. This makes sense for a number of reasons – they have no kids, while I have two kids with difficult special needs, and a full time job, and my caregiving is already at capacity. Within a week the real estate agent was showing the house, and she’s expecting an imminent offer which she’s planning to accept. None of this fazes me, except the timing. Points:

    *I am not emotionally attached to the house, I only lived there for a few years in my teens before going to college and moving out
    *I am at peace with the loss of my father, he lived a very long, healthy, productive life and while I miss him, I don’t have any unresolved feelings
    *I am not super close with my brother and SIL, but we are on good terms. My SIL is a very nurturing person who already spent a great deal of time lovingly caring for her own mother, who passed away. Not having kids is a sadness to her
    *my brother and SIL have already picked out a place for my mother to move into, right near their home
    *everyone involved is financially secure and I don’t expect my brother or I will have to spend any of our own money caring for our mother

    I can’t get past the fact that my mother, brother and SIL planned this over the course of months without even letting me know it was happening. I assume they thought I would be hurt that she is leaving my area, or that I might try to dissuade her. My mother denies it and says she just suddenly decided, and it happened this quickly. But she also says she and my father talked vaguely about moving there for years (which is probably true, but it’s not quite the same as actually making concrete plans). The only information I got from my brother was “mom wanted to tell you herself” which makes it sound like she told him not to say anything until she was ready.

    And, now she is getting an offer, she hinted that she would like me to help her sort through her things and help her get ready to move. She’s accumulated a lot of junk which she wants to donate, not throw away (ugh). Since I live nearby, I’m apparently the one who gets that role. I mentioned that if she had spoken to me about the timing, it would have been helpful, because I have some work commitments coming up and I won’t have much free time for the next month.

    I’m just venting. I’m grateful that my mother has family members who are willing and able to take care of her when she eventually needs it. I just thought she and I were close enough that she would have trusted me with her plans. She says “it wasn’t like that” – but everything indicates that this has been in the works for a long time. Am I in the wrong for feeling this hurt?

    • Anonymous

      You aren’t in the wrong but also need to get over it. She clearly did not want to hurt you but also needs to take care of herself. Honestly if you can’t even spare a couple weekend days to help her move, she’s right to be relocating and you know it. I get it, but this just isn’t about you.

    • Anon

      I understand why you feel blindsided but I think it’s possible she’s being truthful about everything happening quickly. I feel like this is a scenario where you assume good intentions. I think you’re well within your rights to tell her you don’t have time right now to clean out the house though. Regardless of whether or not she was secretly scheming with your brother, she didn’t consult with you on timing of this move and thus can’t expect your help with the move.

    • Anon

      She probably knew you’d be upset and wanted to move so her last years aren’t spent on childcare.

      • Anon

        lol at this one point – she hasn’t helped me with childcare at all for at least 10 years and I haven’t asked or expected her to

        • Anon

          +1 and also seems inaccurate? Most elderly folks I know are moving towards grandkids not away from them. Even if they’re not healthy enough to do childcare they want to be able to see their grandkids.

      • Anon

        Lol I would assume instead that she saw how stressed and busy the Op was with work and the needs of her kids and didn’t want to be a burden talking about it before she decided. I wouldn’t assume an 80 year old is up for taking care of kids anyway, my parents and in laws sure aren’t.

    • Anon

      I guess I don’t get the big deal. I assume your mother knows how busy you are with work and family and so didn’t feel the need to get you involved in the house selling and moving process. I think that’s respectful of her. Hire a junk company to take away her stuff.

    • aBr

      Your feelings are your feelings, especially as the issue is mostly that you do not feel included in the decision making process and are hurt by it. Kindly, you won’t gain anything by “proving” that your mom and brother had discussed/planned this before hand, and it (or the uncertainty of if) is just something that you have to accept.

      On the practical side, I’d suggest looking at the national organization of professional organizers for people in your area. They can help with blocking and tackling helping your mom sort the house and also take some of the emotional (and physical) labor off of you. They can also provide coordination – e.g., we will be here on Tuesday, there will be a truck coming at the end of the day to haul stuff off to trash and donation, etc.

    • anon

      I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel hurt that you weren’t included in the process, even if you ultimately agree with the decision. It would be a big deal even if the timing were better! Unfortunately, I think you can tell her once that you feel hurt, and then swallow your pride and help out.

    • NYCer

      I would assume good intentions. If it were me, I would also graciously try to rearrange my schedule to help her go through her things and prepare for her move. Late 80s is old, she genuinely needs your help.

    • Anon

      Thanks everyone for the reality check. I want to be there for my mother and I will do as much as I can to make her move go smoothly.

      • thanks

        That’s a very mature response.

        I do understand your feelings, and sympathize. I would probably feel the same way!

        But honestly…. this plan for your Mom is a true miracle, in every sense of the word. It sounds perfect for your Mom and you are so, so, so, so, so lucky to have a supportive and sane family ready to step in and help. Just think of all the times in the future your brother will need to step in to help your Mom and a random inconvenient time. You will be free from this. You are so so so so so so so so lucky. It almost always falls on the daughter.

        So you may not have time to do all the sorting now. See if you can find a place in the attic/garage/storage facility and anything you aren’t sure about can be moved in there by last minute movers you can hire online. You can finish sorting later.

        I have been taking care of my elderly disabled father for 15 years, and am alone in my city doing it. I am the single daughter. You are so so so so so so lucky….

    • Anonymous

      I’d be hurt, too, but a lot of that would come from my own assumptions about what was happening. My advice to you would be to be really careful about nurturing or holding onto that hurt. The situation might be exactly what you’re being told: she and your dad had talked about it for years, so it wasn’t a new thought, the plan itself came together suddenly, and she wanted to make sure she told you herself and you didn’t hear it from your brother.

      There’s also this: I was blindsided when my dad moved out of our “family” home even though (like you) I never really lived there and even though I knew the action was coming someday. It hit me much much harder than I could have predicted to “lose” that familiar home base. You mom making this shift might mean a genuine loss of “home” to you. Helping my dad clear out his home was sad, even though I knew his move was the right thing at the right time. In short, I had lots of conflicting emotions around it all, and grief, and sadness, even though I knew it was also right and good.

    • Anon

      Big hugs.

      About four years ago, my parents showed up at our house and announced they were moving to a city 8 hours away from us. They had already listed their house and accepted an offer and were leaving in a month. It was a done deal. They had been talking about moving, and my brother was going through some health problems at that time that they were helping him with. But the announcement of the move came as a complete shock to me (as did the fact that they had planned and executed all of this without talking to us about it, when we had just seen them two weeks prior), and I felt incredibly betrayed. Complicating the situation was that we had been having my son stay with my parents on school holidays, when he got sick, and for occasional nights out, and at that point he was not quite old enough for us to leave him by himself, and so we were losing our backup/emergency caregivers. That stung.

      Time was the healer for me in this situation, as was just accepting that as independent adults with the mental capacity to make their own decisions, there was nothing I could do about the situation. I just had to accept it. I will confess I still feel some angst about how they handled the situation – when they made their announcement, my son burst into tears and later said he also felt abandoned by them, so being able to prep him for that conversation would have been nice. But in later analysis, I realized – it was kind of a big, scary move for them as well and they probably thought “ripping the band-aid off” was the right approach rather than dragging things out. I don’t agree with the approach but understand their logic.

      In short – no, you are not wrong for feeling hurt. It’s a loss when people we love move away and you are allowed to feel a sense of loss and hurt, and sit with that for a little while. And then figure out how to move forward from that place.

      • Anon

        I think that is waaaay worse than what OP’s mom did. If you know you’re backup care for someone, you should give them reasonable notice that you’re moving.

      • Anon

        I had the opposite experience. I don’t get along all that well with my parents and never moved back home / received any financial help since I was around 20. I went to law school, married someone great, dream job, had a couple kids – then when I was 40, my parents announced they were moving down the street from me (2,000 miles from where they’d lived). It’s fine – I don’t love having them here and up in my business all the time – but they are adults, and I can’t tell them where to live. But I wish they’d at least consulted me before making a decision that would so directly impact me.

    • Anon

      So as my mom aged she needed more help. I lived 3 hours away, my brother lived several states away, and my sister lived in the same city as mom (our hometown, she just never moved away.) So sister took on most of the day to day, which mainly involved taking Mom to occasional doctor’s appointments, which was really sister’s choice because she felt Mom was an unreliable narrator of the doctor’s instructions. By the same token, Mom helped sister out with childcare all the time. My older nieces and nephews were pretty much raised by my mom, the younger ones less so but they were there a lot.

      Sister had all these built up resentments about how she was the “only one” who helped mom, which wasn’t exactly true but she certainly was there more often than my brother or I could be. (My mom was hospitalized fairly frequently, and I burned all my PTO for several years being the one who sat with her in the hospital. We just took on different roles.)

      When my sister got a new job and needed to move an hour away, to her surprise Mom wasn’t willing to also move. Mom was of sound mind and had a bunch of reasons for staying that made sense to her – she didn’t want to leave her house, her friend group (she still had lunch with one friend or another at least twice a week), and she told me privately she was really tired of my sister “bossing her around” and felt it would get worse if she moved closer to my sister and was isolated from her friends. So she didn’t move. My sister was PISSED and didn’t speak to Mom for a long time. Now that Mom has passed, I think my sister had a lot of guilt about that time.

      So, don’t be my sister. Don’t hold onto resentment and then regret it later. Remember that your mom is an adult and can make her own decisions and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. She’s just doing what works best for her.

      I know this was a surprise to you and you need to get used to the idea, but don’t let it fester.

    • InfoGeek

      My father recently got on the waiting list for a place at a local “active seniors/independent living” place and a spot opened up way sooner than we expected. (I think they called within a week and the place was available a couple of weeks later.)

      That put us in the mode of putting his place on the market, downsizing his stuff, packing, and moving within about a month.

      That’s all to say that the timeframe might not have been months. Or they might have been talking about it in generalities and then just decided and things went faster than expected.

    • Anonymous

      Life lesson from this AM: assume good intentions. Your mom and brother probably talked about things and got quickly to the action-taking stage. They didn’t hide things from you; they just didn’t think to call and bother you every step of the way. You are busy and have special needs kids- were you really going to help shop for a new place near BIL?

      The call of “I’m thinking of selling and moving near you” to “we have a place picked out” might be 2 days time.

  15. Need language

    Akkk I had a call with a new person on a dating app and upon reflection I am not feeling it. I am new to this scene and need words from someone more seasoned to end further interactions. Ghosting feels crummy to receive so I’d rather not do it. Is it appropriate to say “ upon reflection I do not feel we are a match. Good luck in your search”

    • Anon

      Yup, that’s all you need to say. No need to explain or defend your decision. It was nice to meet you, we’re not a match, best of luck. That’s it!

      • Anon

        I also should add, don’t waste time on phone calls with guys from apps. Meet up ASAP and go from there.

    • Anon

      “Hey I enjoyed talking the other night but I just don’t think we would be a good match. Best of luck!”

    • Anon

      “Great talking with you! I didn’t feel a spark, and that’s something I’m really looking for, so I wish you the best!” That said, I fell madly in love with a guy with whom I had a kinda awkward first phone call.

    • anon

      That sounds overly formal. I’d go with something like, “Hey, it was great to meet you, but I don’t think we’re the best match for a relationship. Wishing you the best!”

    • Monday

      You can wait until the person suggests another date or asks to call again. Sometimes they won’t, and the problem solves itself!

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, it’s not ghosting if they don’t reach out either. Don’t go out of your way to affirmatively reject people who might not be feeling you either.

        Reminds me of one of my terrible first dates – I basically ran away from him because he was trying to get handsy despite my firm no. I didn’t even let him walk me to the front of the restaurant before I bolted to my car and peeled out of the parking lot. Before I could get home to block and delete, he texted me that he didn’t want a second date.

      • Anon

        Yea definitely don’t reach out to say you’re not interested unless they reach out first. Guys have done that to me in the past and my reaction is more like wow I couldn’t care less lol.

      • Anon

        This is the best advice. Wait for him to ask you, then say something like “no thanks, I don’t think we’re a match” and move on. But don’t preemptively “break up” with him – you are not a couple.

    • Language thanks

      OP here. You have all given me great tips. Dude has texted 2x since the call last night, once last night to say he enjoyed the call, then earlier today to say good morning. Uggh.

      • Anon

        Just text him back nicely and be prepared for the blow back. Some men can’t handle rejection but it is what it is.

  16. Anonymous

    She may be doing the right thing here and it’s wildly inappropriate for you to push her to do otherwise. HR is on the company’s side. And depending how senior and connected he is, she risks long term consequences to her career since everyone will want to know about large corporation in future interviews. Don’t guilt her—she has been through enough. Doing it for the good of future others sounds great unless you are the one who has to go through it. Is it fair? No. But it’s the advice I would give a friend to minimize future impact on her life of his wrong.

    • Anon

      Agreed. Be grateful you don’t work where she does so you don’t have a reporting obligation. Forcing someone to blow up their work life isn’t always the best strategy.

      • Anon

        Yes, this is why I think mandatory reporting policies are terrible. I guess they make sense for people who work with kids, but it’s horrible to apply them to adults. As a professor, it means I have to tell students not to talk to me unless they want it reported to the university, which is so counterproductive.

        • Anon

          Agreed, but they’re a by-product of strict liability from sexual harassment law for supervisor-subordinate relationships. Companies don’t really have a choice.

  17. Anonymous

    What does “eye contact” mean in the context of interviews that happen over Zoom? One of my partners criticized an applicant for having poor eye contact, but their interview happened over video. I interviewed the kid in person and noticed that he looked off to the side at times. I don’t think it was a big deal, I do it too when I’m thinking through something or carefully choosing my words – things that you kind of want people to do in an interview. I mean you don’t want to just stare someone down when you’re interviewing. But I’m confused how that comes across over video. You’re not going to make “eye contact” unless you’re looking at the camera rather than the person you’re talking to. If you’re looking at their face then you will look like you’re looking down or to the side. Where are you supposed to look during video calls?

    • Anon

      Right below the camera. But it’s a weird comment on a video interview regardless.

    • Anon

      Please don’t knock people for this. I have strabismus (crossed eyes), that isn’t usually noticeable in person, but is worse when I’m working on a computer, especially when I have to look back and forth between camera, other people’s faces, chat, notes, etc. Zoom has made me really self conscious about it, so it’s horrible to hear that people might be judging the way I try to mange it (I actually try to look straight at the camera, but this doesn’t always work if I also have to look at other things).

      • Anon

        Agreed. This is dumb boomer sh!t that needs to go away. Eye contact is difficult for a lot of people, for both physical and mental reasons. It has nothing to do with job skills.

        • Bonnie Kate

          +1. For one of the companies I work with a lot, I used to have a favorite account manager/sales guy that was horrible at eye contact. It was quite noticeable when we first met, but over the years of working together he became our favorite because he was so knowledgeable and good at working for us. He didn’t only work well with us because he was the #1 sales account manager at his company a couple years ago. We were genuinely bummed when he went to work for a different company and didn’t get to work together every day. Bad at eye contact, IN SALES, #1 sales guy at a huge company – clearly this shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s a big deal, and it’s difficult to have true eye contact on zoom, but if you need to fake it, it’s easiest on a laptop (with a top centre camera) sitting on a table in front of you at a slight upwards angle, you looking down into the screen and the people you’re talking to. I think that works because you get very close to the camera, and looking to the side of the screen still looks like eye contact from the other end.

      Worst setup – two screens with camera on one and your notes or the zoom page open on the other screen. If the people you’re talking with are seeing your profile more than face on, it’s very easy to think you’re not paying attention even when you are.

  18. Anon

    I would like to spend about an hour on Sunday evenings to get my stuff together before the week. Do things likr decide what I’m cooking/make a grocery list, plan workouts and social gatherings, review my budget/spending, some cleaning/laundry, and life admin. If anyone does something similar, what do you do during this time?

    For background: single and child free, I live with roommates, am hybrid at work (3 days in office), and am usually busy with socializing or training for races most evenings after work. I find if I don’t take some time to get it together before the week starts, I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off!

    • Anon

      I always do laundry, put fresh bedding on the bed and fresh towels in the bathroom, make sure there aren’t any dishes sitting in the sink, and water my plants.

    • Anonymous

      I find that Sunday evening is way too late for me to do this. Too late to actually grocery shop or pivot. I like to do this Thursday morning before work. I review my calendar for the next week and my weekend plans, figure out my meals and order grocery delivery, figure out when on the weekend I can fit in some chores.

      • Anon

        Agree. I do this on Friday afternoons, when for me, work is generally pretty slow. I make my task list for the next work week and make my grocery and errand lists for the weekends, look at my bank accounts, etc. My husband grocery shops on Sunday mornings so I will do meal prep on Sunday night. But trying to do all that on Sunday made me resentful that I was spending valuable relaxation time on the weekends on the “life admin” stuff. Lunchtime on Thursday or Friday might be another time to to do this kind of stuff.

        Also: I switched from doing laundry on weekends to doing it while I WFH. I fold laundry when I’m on non-video conference calls where I’m not one of the key contributors. That also freed up a lot more time on the weekends.

    • Anon

      I like to make a decision about what I’m cooking and a grocery list early on Saturday and then place a grocery delivery order scheduled to be delivered for Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon I cook one or two meals to last the week for lunches + dinner, preferably one in a crockpot and the other on stovetop/oven so they can be cooking simultaneously. That way I can spend the bulk of my weekend days doing whatever I want.

      • Anon

        I like this idea but I have a walking commute and walk past the grocery store on my way home from work so I go on my way home on Monday. I’m lucky to have a well stocked pantry at work, so I make my Monday breakfast/lunch from that and then cook Monday night and use leftovers for lunches and dinners.

    • Clara

      I think I actually make a grocery list, plan workouts and social gatherings, review my budget, laundry etc on Saturday morning or during the day. Then go out / enjoy my weekend Saturday evening through Sunday brunch, and shop and cook Sunday evening.

  19. Anonymous

    My retirement plan says Employer will contribute an amount equal to 7% of my salary to my 401k “after two full years of employment.” I must be employed on the last day of the plan year to get the profit match. Does this mean I get 7%of year 2’s salary paid in early year 3, or I get 7% of year 3’s salary paid in early year 4?

    If the answer is read the summary plan… where do I look? I’m scared to ask HR because they have been firing people and I want to know if I can expect a contribution this year (i started in 2019 so have now worked two full calendar years)

    • Anon

      It’s normally done on a monthly basis. So starting on your 2 year anniversary your employer will start contributing 7% of your current salary to retirement. So at the end of year 3 you should have 7% of year 3 salary.

      • Anon

        And by “monthly basis“ I really meant “ongoing basis.” I get paid monthly, but if you get a biweekly paycheck, you might get retirement contributions biweekly. What I’m trying to say is that it would be unusual to get a lump sum contribution.

        • Anon

          +1. My employer contributes a 5% match and it is added to my account each payday along with the amount from my pay. I have a 3 year vesting period. If I leave before than, I just lose the money that is now in my account. That’s how it has worked everywhere I have worked

    • Anon

      HR is not going to fire you for asking a question. They are the ones to ask here.

    • Anon

      It means they will start contributing 7% beginning in Year 3 of employment. No retroactive contribution. The language of ‘must be employed on the last day of the plan year’ means either they fund this after the year closes so they know who gets it and who does not, or they contribute throughout the year (probably on a per paycheck basis) and then take the money back if the employee is not employed on the last day of the plan year (which is usually 12/31).

      You can ask HR this question. This is not something you get fired for!

    • Anon

      Employee benefits lawyer here, and you should ask HR. I could outline a dozen different thing this could mean, but you should just ask. Also, FTR, almost everything in the other comments is wrong. Anyway, the most likely meaning is that this is a calendar year plan year, and you are waiting on a contribution from 2021, which can be made before the employer’s tax return is due. If the employer or plan is not on a calendar year, well–that’s one of the dozen different ways this could work. Your SPD probably explains this, but you’d need to read several different provisions to figure it out, and I gather you’re not interested in doing so. ‘Tis a pity. Some of my best writing has been for SPDs, and it always makes me happy when someone reads it.

  20. NYC

    Has anyone here used a career coach? I’m a senior associate in NY biglaw who is being told that I will make counsel at the end of the year and has some tempting in-house opportunities available. I’m having a hard time sorting through my options and figuring out what’s the best fit for my long-term goals, especially since I want to try to have a child soon. Figured I’d see if anyone has been in this position and found someone helpful to talk to! Would be great if they understand the particular nuances of biglaw firms and big law jobs

    • Anon

      A friend who is ex-BigLaw equity partner is doing that now in semi-retirement. She might be the only person I know with the experience and judgment to guide a person in BigLaw along and maybe also know where to stay the hell away from. From time to time prior to this, I’ve bounced ideas off of her and offered my $.02.

      • NYC

        Would you mind sharing her name and contact information? Do you think she’d be knowledgeable about biglaw vs in-house? I can create a burner email if helpful. Thanks so much!

      • Piper Dreamer

        Not the OP but is she taking new clients? I am in a similar situation and would love some outside perspective!

    • Anon

      Yes — when I was outcounseled from BigLaw, they set me up with a counselor who had a psychology background who just dealt with lawyers leaving BigLaw. IDK that everyone got that, but my firm actually paid (what I think would have been $$$ otherwise).

      • anon

        Curious, what was your takeaway from it? I know it’s going to vary for everyone but interested to hear what kind of things they help with.

  21. thanks

    Last month there was a post about Bombas socks, and I reported my disappointing experience with their Merino socks that I received as a Xmas gift. They were so comfortable, but they developed holes in less than a year/season despite my careful laundering. Based on your responses about their normal good quality and excellent customer service, I told Bombas my experience. To my surprise, they are replacing the whole 4 pack of socks for free!

    Anyway, thanks for your input. I would have never bothered to try to replace them without your advice, because I assumed the quality was poor, but now I’m happy to give them a try again. Hopefully it was just a bad batch/quality control issue.

    • Anon

      Just a note, I also blow through clothing this is supposedly good quality. Turns out the problem was needing whole-house water filtration and softening. Our water was so harsh that it killed a heavy-duty Speed Queen washer: literally ate right through the stainless drum in less than five years.

  22. Mattress/bed-in-a-box recommendations

    Anyone care to share thoughts on mattresses/bed-in-a-box(es)? I’m a side sleeper who wants a firm mattress, and perimenopause means I need to sleep cooler, if that’s even possible. TIA!

    • Anon

      most of the online quizzes will say that for a side sleeper you want a softer mattress. i am also a side sleeper but dont like super soft mattress. we started with a helix, which was like sleeping on a cloud, but too soft for me, and now ended up with a casper.

    • Monte

      Also a side sleeper who likes a firm mattress, and also love my Avocado that I have had for about 18 months.

    • Anon

      I have them in our second home and they’re a good once in a while option, but for your main bed I’d still prefer a real mattress.

    • Anon

      I used to be a stomach sleeper who has slowly transitioned to a side sleeper. I thought I still wanted a firm mattress, but took a chance on a WinkBed mattress and love it. It’s softer than I ever would have selected but find it supports the curve of my spine well/hips.

    • Anon

      Avocado is firm and sleeps cool. My husband actually ended up wanting a topper to make it better for side sleeping, but it’s still quite supportive.

    • Sunshine71

      Helix mattress but the game changer for sleeping cool is an Ooler. Highly recommend.

    • Anon

      Also a side sleeper who enjoys a firm mattress, and I really like my Tuft & Needle, which I’ve had for a few years.

  23. Anon867

    I am having an issue with cotton and cotton blend t shirts where they come out of the laundry with a faint white residue all over them. It almost looks slightly moldy. I’ve tried adding vinegar or borax to the wash with no improvement. This has happened with various laundry detergents, powder and liquid, although they are all of the environmentally friendly, plastic-free variety. I don’t use fabric softener or dryer sheets. My machine is a front-loader. Has anyone else encountered this? Is there anything I can do to get these shirts looking good again?

    • Cb

      Huh, that sounds like some sort of soap or calcium build-up. I’d do a vinegar rinse WITHOUT any detergent?

    • Anon

      Is it possible you’re using too much laundry detergent? Run a cycle with towels or something without any detergent, then wash your t shirts with half the amount of detergent recommended.

      • Vicky Austin

        This is what I was going to say. Try less detergent and see if that helps.

    • Anon

      I had this issue when I used eco-friendly detergents, especially the powders, but sometimes with liquids too. We have very, very hard water. I switched to liquid Tide Free and Clear and it solved the problem. You might also be using too much detergent, especially because you have a front loader, which probably doesn’t use a lot of water. Try reducing the amount you add and see if that helps.

    • anon

      I noticed this happening in my top loader with Tide powder. I switched my first rinse to “warm” and that seemed to fix it. I think the detergent wasn’t dissolving in cold water.

    • Anon

      Do you clean your washer? Use the tabs/clean cycle and also clean out the filter.

  24. Emma

    Posted a little while ago about this, but I have a weird fixation with one of my boyfriend’s friends. He’s not a good person, but very conventionally handsome, charming, and super successful. He’s at various points showered me with praise (called me a “dream girl” to my boyfriend, among other things) or just seemed to try very hard to connect with me, to the point of other people noticing.

    I chalked up my mini-crush on him to just feeling very validated by the attention and flattery, especially since I have a tendency to be deeply insecure. I’d been trying to think of him less and stop wanting to go to things to see if he’d be there, and over the last few months, he’s become a blip.

    BUT, yesterday I found out he goes to my same gym at the same time as me. We ran into each other in the elevator, and now I can feel my constant-thinking-about-him creeping back in. Does anyone have experience with crushes while in a relationship / how to deal? I don’t want it to bleed out or affect my boyfriend in any way, and I feel really guilty about it.

    • Vicky Austin

      So you’re gonna need to stay with me for this, it’s weird, but I think it works. I talk to myself a lot and always have, and among the talk-to-ourselves crowd, it often takes the form of a celebrity tell-all talk show. You say he’s not a good person. Just in the shower or before you fall asleep, I’d envision yourself dishing to Ellen or whoever all the dirty details you have on this guy. It’s worked for me when I want to sort of exorcise my obsessive thoughts about ex-friends or compelling Instagram drama or whatever.

    • Cat

      In case it helps, this dude sounds creepy as h-ll and not remotely crushworthy….

      • Emma

        He IS creepy haha. How could you tell just from my blurb?

        I once was at a bar with him and he kept saying weird things about women / was on the hunt for a girl to approach to hit on. I complained about it to my boyfriend, but then felt DOUBLY ridiculous for continuing to have the obsessive fixation.

        • Anonymous

          Literally your first sentence. He is your friend’s boyfriend and he’s trying to cheat on her with you.

          • Anon

            He’s her boyfriend’s friend and I don’t think one casual remark about her being a “dream girl” means he’s trying to get in her pants. My husband’s friends said similar things to him when we started dating, and I didn’t find it creepy.

          • Anon

            The rest of the sentence is “(called me a “dream girl” to my boyfriend, among other things) or just seemed to try very hard to connect with me, to the point of other people noticing.” If other people are noticing, it’s not benign.

          • Emma

            I don’t think he was trying to hit on me, per se, but is maybe the type to really lavish attention on women with the aim of some type of conquest? I imagine if I expressed any interest in moving forward he’d immediately retreat. Though yes, it was a bit embarrassing to hear my boyfriend say, “So-and-so said, “Bobby must REALLY like Emma… It seemed like he kept trying to talk to her all night” or variations on that. I don’t want to embarrass my boyfriend by talking too much to a guy that isn’t him when we’re out.

    • Anon867

      Imagine listening to him snore. Imagine him farting or clipping his toenails or peeing with the door open. Imagine that he’s giving you this praise in order to purposefully manipulate you. (Is it Gavin de Becker who says “Don’t think he *is* charming; think he’s *charming* me.”) Think of all the things that make him a bad person and imagine him turning those things on you or people you care about. Or maybe and most importantly, work on your deep insecurity.

      • Emma

        Woahh, thank you so much for this! Just read over Gavin de Becker’s quotes on charm, and other excerpts from the Gift of Fear, and there is so much sage advice.

    • Anon

      Your question isn’t really your question, because this isn’t a healthy crush. I honestly don’t know where to start. If an unhealthy crush goes to my gym at the normal time I do, I would find a new gym routine. You can be deeply insecure. Work on that – journal, talk to a friend, talk to a therapist. This man isn’t a good person. Why is your boyfriend friends with him? You do understand that part of him not being a good person is hitting on you, right? You know that this is him showing that your boyfriend isn’t as handsome, charming, and successful as he is, right?

      • Emma

        This is really the reframe I needed. I also wasn’t thinking of it as “unhealthy” (which it is) or labelling it him hitting on me. But it did cross my mind that it was him maybe trying to see if he could steal people’s girlfriends/flirt with them and get a response, which is a terrible reflection of someone’s character.

    • Anonymous

      Stop going to your gym. You can’t trust yourself around this nasty man.

    • Anon

      This too shall pass. Every time I’ve had a really intense crush it was just a matter of me doing nothing and it went away. I did avoid spending 1:1 time with my crushes, so I agree about finding a new gym.

      If you just, imagine leaving your boyfriend for this guy, then imagine how you will feel when he inevitably cheats on you.

    • Anonymous

      He’s setting off alarm bells for me and I don’t even know him. The gym thing sounds like he’s stalking you. Assuming you’ve been going to this gym for a while, you would’ve seen him before now if it was his routine to go there at the same time as you. Now he just all of a sudden shows up and claims he’s always been there at that time?

    • Anon

      I focus on nitpicking flaws. One day my crush came to work with dandruff, and that was enough to snap me out of it. (You just need to be able to turn off that mode, or else you will make yourself and your SO miserable!)

    • Anony

      Wow this just totally reminded me of a super similar situation that I had with a friend of DH’s – he always dropped by DH’s workplace, was super flirty, cute in a rough way, and charming to females but was a real dirt bag. I also had a weird ‘crush’ on him even though I knew it was a terrible idea (I think it was the whole cute-bad-boy thing). Luckily for me, he double-crossed DH and I never had to see him again, so the crush faded away. I’m not sure if he’s changed or not but he definitely has 2 kids with his girlfriend so I hope he has! In the meantime, I would change your gym routine so that you don’t have to see him.

    • Sasha

      Aside from just continuing to avoid this guy as much as possible (I second switching up your gym routine until the thoughts abate)–When I’ve been in this situation, I try to direct the NRE I feel with crushes to my partner during gardening/gardening adjacent activities. Not like imagining the crush instead of my boyfriend, but more-so pretending that my boyfriend is in the position that the crush is in (in your case, pretending that you have an imaginary “other boyfriend” and that your boyfriend is hitting on you/trying to steal you away from him) Part of what makes this friend so alluring to you is that having a crush on him feels bad/naughty/high stakes. I’ve found it fun and effective to put the fantasy of those high stakes onto your current partner and exercise the feelings that way. Letting the weird unresolvable tension build up in your head is part of the problem IME

  25. Anonymous

    are there any arty/shopping/interesting experiences in LA right now? have to go for a work thing and wondering if I should stay an extra weekend day.

    • Senior Attorney

      The Motion Picture Academy Museum just opened and I bet it’s pretty great.

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