Coffee Break: Amour Tote

79 Comments

1. What should I expect from a library book club meeting? I’ve never been in a book club at all and I’m nervous. This one doesn’t have any sign-up system, and meets in local parks or at the central library depending on weather. The book choices are specifically targeted to minority voices, which will probably cause a self-selecting group.

   1. This seems like this is going to widely vary depending on the book club organizer and participants. I’m in a specific interest book club and we have snacks, sit in a circle and the organizer throws questions out there to spur the discussion, and then whoever wants to talk does. It’s basically just like a small discussion group in school. However, I know some book clubs are way more casual and some are probably more formal in that everyone goes around in a circle to have the equal opportunity to share.

      Just go! :) It’s a low stakes situation.

2. How do you know when cold feet is just cold feet vs you need to back out of the decision? I made a decision to move in with my boyfriend, but now I’m having lots of second thoughts (of course after I told everyone, dealt with angry parents, and moved some of my stuff already). I will say off the bat that my second thoughts have nothing to do with the angry parents. They have everything to do with the fact that I think I made this decision in haste, that we’re moving too fast, and fear over giving up an apartment of my own (my space, my privacy, etc). I’ve lived alone for 10 years and have never lived with a partner. I’m also not thrilled about the location of boyfriend’s house. It’s really far outside of the city/from my friends and family and community (and I’d have a 50 minute drive to work instead of a 20 minute drive).

   Am I just resisting the idea of change or should I wait longer until I’m 100% sure and no longer having second thoughts?

   1. Can you tell bf “I love you AND I am so so nervous about this”? And can you give it your best shot to make it work? Like take it as a deployment and do your best to be open in your mind to great change and great opportunity? Change is scary but if he is a good ally to you, maybe you will find that this gets you something you didn’t have before? And that may sadly be clarity that this isn’t for you?

   2. Purely anecdata: I lived with two exes and I didn’t really want to either time but did it anyway, for various reasons. Would not recommend.

      I have a new bf and I wouldn’t hesitate to move in with him tomorrow.

      So my vote is if you are having second thoughts, hit pause. It doesn’t sound like the move is a good one from a location perspective – is there a different way to do this that doesn’t put you so outside your circle? Maybe rethink the how/where part?

      1. I’d push pause and keep your place. It sounds like you’re not ready to make this move for a variety of reasons. It will be easier to decide to move in with him in, say, 6 months if that’s the right move than to move out in 6 months. Your gut is telling you this isn’t the right move right now, and I believe in trusting your gut.

         Different but similar: I’ve had a couple of friends and know of a few friends-of-friends who have canceled weddings that had been booked and presumably paid for to some degree rather than go through with a wedding they were feeling wasn’t the right decision. And I admire those people for making the tough call. I’d probably feel the same toward you if you were my friend who told me you were moving in with bf and then said you’d decided not to.

         You’ll also learn a lot about friends and bf based on how they respond. I expect bf to be disappointed, and that’s normal. He also should support your decision. And if he doesn’t, you have a new piece of information about him to process.

      2. I agree with this.

   3. I think it depends on your usual decisiveness – are you normally a 100% confident in your decisions kinda person or more likely to overthink and not take a risk and look back regretting it?

   4. How did you guys decide to move into his place? You’re more than doubling your work commute. Does he own and you rent?

   5. I’d slow it down. Going from a 20 min commute to a 50 min commute is a huge change. I would find it really isolating to be almost an hour away from family and friends. That’s not just moving in together, that’s a big overall lifestyle change.

      Is there an option of leasing a closer place? I get that he might be reluctant to sell if you have not lived together before but he could rent his place and then you could get a place together.

   6. No, go with your gut. It should be a good thing. If it’s not don’t do it.

   7. Did you post a couple of weeks ago about getting used to a SO’s “soulless” neighborhood in comparison to your own?

      IDK what the right answer is here, but it’s definitely a concerning trend if you’re the poster from a few weeks ago. How do you usually handle big decisions? Go in with lots of enthusiasm or trepidation, or both? It sounds like this is a big move emotionally and logistically, so I don’t think it’s terribly surprising that you aren’t feeling 100 percent sure. But are you, like, 85% sure? Or is everything in your body screaming that this is the wrong move?

      1. OP here, I’m not that poster. But my gut is telling me that this is the wrong move. I do not want to live in his small town.

         1. OK. I think you need to listen to that gut feeling, then.

         2. Small town? I would tread very lightly. If he’s entrenched in his small town, you will be on his turf. You hang out with his friends, go to the grocery store he goes to, see his extended family, and are always around people who think the way he thinks.

            In my experience, being in “his” city is different than being in his small town. Better choice is for you to both move.

            Yes, I’m cynical.

            1. I’m with you on this. From experience. Small towns are usually pretty hard to break into socially. For more than a decade I was simply my exH’s plus one. When he cheated, many people told me how awful he was. Yet guess who was left out in the cold in the small town? Wasn’t him.

   8. For me, moving in with my boyfriend brought up a lot of anxiety, and we had only been dating less than a year, but we’re still together 17 years later. You are talking about logistical issues, but it doesn’t sound like you have concerns about the relationship. Are you interested in getting married and/or having kids? If so, how much time do you have? If not, you probably have the luxury of time, so you could certainly wait until you feel more certain of find a better location that is more convenient to your job.

   9. Wait longer!! Sleep over there more without giving up your own place. Like, why would you rush?? My partner and I kept 2 places for agggggggges even though we lived together in practice, and that was in a high cost of living place where we didn’t even live in significantly different communities/neighborhoods.

      I get not wanted to lose face in front of family and friends – honestly I’d do some white lies. “Oh, it’s taking longer to move out”, “oh, just holding onto it another month or two, so convenient when I have early morning meetings” or whatever. Very few people are entitled to the full truth of anything.

   10. I’d reflect on if you don’t want to move in with your BF, or you don’t want to move into you BF’s apartment (or both).

       Can you talk it through with him and potentially get a new place together?

   11. If you know you know. I lived with one boyfriend and I knew, moving in, that it wasn’t right. Moved out fewer than three months later.

   12. How did you two come to an agreement on this? You’re far from your friends and family, nearly tripling your commute, dealing with the logistics of moving your belongings, adjusting to a new area, and your boyfriend gives up absolutely nothing. Did you raise any of these concerns? If not, why didn’t you feel comfortable doing so? If you brought them up, did your boyfriend write them off or acknowledge them? Was he willing to rent out his home either from the get-go or after a mutually agreed upon trial period? If his reaction was “I’m not renting or selling, so you have to live here” that’s a massive red flag. If he was flexible but now you realize you’ll be miserable living there it’s fair to pump the breaks and say you want to discuss moving to a different area. And if picking a different location doesn’t assuage your fears then this is a relationship problem or fear of commitment.

       1. OP here and you’re right – this is a relationship problem. I just broke the news to him and he said he will never live in the city again. “There are a lot of things in the city that I just don’t care for.” I said, “I feel the same way about the surrounding counties.” Silence. It wasn’t a good conversation.

          1. I’m the commenter you’re responding to. I’m sorry that this conversation didn’t go the way you hoped. Trying to change someone’s firmly held beliefs about the city vs. suburbs is a frustrating and usually impossible task. Especially when you’re in your thirties and have lived in both places. If you can’t agree on where to live there isn’t a future for you two. Since this is a deal breaker for you, going forward the city vs. suburbs topic should be discussed on your first few dates (like the kids or no kids conversation)

             1. Oh we aren’t even talking city vs suburbs. He considers the suburbs as the city. He lives out in the country.

             2. Out in the country with a much larger commute to work and the kind of distance from family and friends where you really have to plan any little get together? OMG no. You will be so isolated. And Mr. inflexible isn’t going to work to help you fix that. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

          2. Oof, I’m sorry. That sucks horribly. I’m glad you’ve discovered this now rather than post move in.

             My husband and I have similar opinions (he likes the country and I like the city). We’ve managed to make it work in different places in different stages, but it’s taken active, willing, compromises from both of us. I hope you guys are able to get to a better place after this conversation but if he’s not willing to bend I’d encourage cutting and running. (Also- when I moved for my husband he actively acknowledged what I was giving up and made sure I was okay with it. It’s not a great sign if this guy was willing to have you make huge sacrifices and not question it at all).

             Good luck!!

          3. It is so so good you had this conversation -seems pretty clear he has a plan for his life and if you want to be with him, need to get on board with it. That works for some people but it’s not what I would want from a partner. Trust your gut, hit the brakes, and if this isn’t the one, so much better that you learned this now

   13. Whatever you ultimately do – take it a little slowly now. Don’t move, spend some more time there. Have him spend some more time at yours. Just parachuting yourself into his life is not smart in your situation. You need to think about common ground, not adapting seamlessly into his life.

3. I just want to scream: parent starting hospice, other parent struggling to hold it together, sick kid post-surgery, sibling bickering about every last thing. I can’t take the last item — introducing friction is unforgivable. The rest I can struggle with. Kiddo will get better. Parent won’t but it’s a long time coming and the surviving parent will need ongoing management but it’s do-able

   I wonder if my other kid will write college essays on “the year mom was everywhere and nowhere.”

   1. You’re struggling and so are your kids. Please don’t think of the way kids naturally react to a stressful situation as an unforgivable act against you.

   2. oh, give Sibling some grace. Kids get stressed too but can’t just be like “I’m going for a walk” or pouring a bourbon or knowing how to vent to a friend.

   3. I’m so sorry for all of it. Holding space for all of you—feel free to pressure release here as needed if it’s helpful.

   4. I hear you.

      Get take-out tonight. Do a family movie night to just be cozy and together. Touch.hug.

      There is some relief and grace with starting hospice. Hiring additional help for your other parent will be a need in the future, and may give you more relief.

      I hope you are sleeping. Hang in there. You’re doing a great job.

   5. OP here. Sorry for making this murky but Sibling here is MY sibling. An adult my parents have floated for decades, especially recently.

      1. Then let us encourage you again to find a support group for caregivers/therapist or something to help with your stress with this situation. You are on the brink. You need to pull back / grey rock the sibling, and get help from a professional – for your sanity.

      2. Ugh, I feel for you, OP. I was in a similar position and just ignored the siblings who weren’t there in the trenches with me. It was (almost) worth doing all the work myself to be free from the second-guessing and “helpful suggestions.”

      3. Time for the old “lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way”. Gray rocking sibling as others suggested is a good start. If that doesn’t work, block them. This is no time to indulge a failure to launch relative.

4. Update! Yesterday I posted about overhearing my colleague gossiping and her being very artificially kind in response. My colleague just informed me she bought a ticket to my hobby event this weekend (like Comicon but for a different hobby). She’s doubling down it seems, this isn’t going in the direction I was hoping.

   1. Ooof that’s awkward. Could you maybe enlist another colleague to pass along the message that you’ve moved on/past overhearing the gossip and she can/should as well? Or just say to her something like, “It was awkward overhearing you talk about me, but can we just move on?” Idk, but the fake kindness would feel very cringe. What was the gossip she was caught saying (e.g., innocuous or very mean?)

   2. Like, for herself? Or for you? Either way, she’s being so weird and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

      1. For herself!!!!

   3. Can you skip it?

      1. I could skip, but tickets are non refundable and I want to have a fun weekend!

   4. absolutely no to skipping it yourself. and it seems extreme that she would buy a ticket to a event so that she could somehow make up with you for gossiping about you. Isn’t it more likely that she decided to go because she’s interested, and let you know she was going so that it’s not weird af when/if you randomly see each other at it?

      Of course, the specific gossip and the specific hobby event could make this more weird. But generally, I really doubt that she’s going to the event for any reason because of you or the gossip event. That’s just so much work for a singular awkward work time.

      1. She’s going 100% to try and befriend me. She’s not interested in this hobby and has made some comments about it ‘not being her thing’ etc before when I’ve mentioned it at work.

         1. How is she even going to find you at the event?

   5. I feel like you almost have to address it at this point. Because she’s making it super weird.

   6. God, she sounds tedious. I’d still be distant but polite and see if this just loses steam. If you see her at the event, simply say, “Oh, what a surprise to see you here! I’m sure I’ll see you Monday at work.” Then walk away. You don’t need to deal with her feelings or her weirdness around her feelings.

      1. This is the way. Just don’t engage with her attempts to befriend you.

   7. Document this. I worry that she’s seeking fodder for more gossip, which may or may not even be true.

      1. Oh no, I figured this was all an unhinged attempt at reparations, it didn’t even occur to me this weird behavior was malicious.

5. I am going to be WFH all summer. I’m day-dress curious. Send me links to ones that work for you. No on-camera zooms. I will iron but prefer not to. Go!

   1. For WFH stuff, I tend not to buy expensive stuff, but YMMV. I have one t-shirt dress from Target that’s perfectly fine and comfortable (I’ll look for the link), and then I’ve found that I really like this, if you’re open to jumpsuits:

      https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=863516002&cid=15292&pcid=15292&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AShop%20Women%27s%20Categories%3ADresses%20%26%20Jumpsuits&cpos=23&cexp=2926&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D15292&ctype=Listing&cpid=res24070912171958377199228#pdp-page-content

      1. I cannot wear a jumpsuit to save my life. My torso never lines up with the top and there is either drop-crotch or a wedgie. Since childhood. And some part of it is likely to get wet suspiciously in the bathroom. I like the look and find that a “matching set” gets the job done much better for me.

         1. That’s definitely a good point — jumpsuits can really be bad on a body that doesn’t want them! So a try-on is necessary.

   2. This is the Target dress:

      https://www.target.com/p/women-s-short-sleeve-ruched-knit-mini-t-shirt-dress-universal-thread/-/A-89949416?preselect=89525549#lnk=sametab

      1. I just bought this in the pink, and it’s see through, so don’t buy it in the pink!

   3. I live in the tank dress by American Giant. I have a dozen in mostly black.

      https://www.american-giant.com/products/womens-tank-dress-black

   4. If you are looking for casual dresses, I have multiples of the Reverie dress by Z Supply. I think of a “day dress” as something you’d wear to church or a baby shower.

   5. I wear these a lot!

      https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=416353002

      https://www.target.com/p/women-39-s-short-sleeve-mini-shirtdress-universal-thread-8482-white-m/-/A-90040174

6. just screaming into the void – i am in Houston where there are still 1.5 million people without power and others who have power, but no internet. I work for a local university which has been closed yesterday and today, but wants people back to work tomorrow, or to make accommodations with their supervisor for remote work…which is challenging to do if you don’t have power or internet and are trying to conserve your phone battery to even see these messages. many have significant damage to their homes. if you are a supervisor in a situation like this please be accommodating to your employees. fortunately mine are for which I am grateful but many are not.

   1. Local university is a nonprofit, just reinforcing that these are often the worst of employers while wanting some sort of halo for their 501c3 status.

      1. When I worked for a nonprofit we had to come in or use PTO for hurricanes and snowstorms, even if power was out at the office. It was because they wanted us billing as much of our time as possible to projects. I don’t know what excuse a university has, because most people are not billing all of their time to grants on an hourly basis.

         1. I’m not saying it’s right or doesn’t suck, but my non-profit employer doesn’t have money to pay me and my colleagues if we’re not billing time to a grant. And I doubt the grantors allow their money to be spent on things like this.

            1. Which is why people should donated unrestricted funds instead of only restricted funds… “But it’s for the children!” is all well and good until you can’t pay the electricity bill because you don’t have any unrestricted funds in the bank account.

         2. I don’t know what excuse they have either, but universities are definitely crappy in this way. We had a polar vortex a few years back and the university canceled classes for faculty and students, but staff still had to come to campus (this was pre-Covid when remote work was rare). It seemed especially insensitive to me because staff are more likely to be blue collar and rely on public buses, which weren’t running.

      2. a part of this equation is donors being concerned about overhead. treating people right is not cheap, but it’s also not wasteful!

   2. Wow. My company has a branch in Houston. They are paying hourly employees for at least 3 days (through tomorrow), possibly longer. And they’re sending $300 gift cards to Houston-area employees so they can replace some of their lost food items.

   3. I was in NYC during Superstorm Sandy and our firm made us come back to work when the vast majority of lower Manhattan still had no power, except somehow our building did, and the subways weren’t running below like 34th, so getting downtown was a challenge. Needless to say, I did not stay with that firm long after.

7. I’m feeling super demotivated and unfocused at work. I like my boss and colleagues and I have been here 5 years. I used to love my job but I’m just not interested in the work anymore and am not feeling proactive/productive. We’ve had some big changes including a layoff. Those changes eliminated a big portion of the work I used to really enjoy.

   I have a toddler and am in fertility treatment for #2. My husband has a long hours, inflexible job. Not a good time to change jobs but I need to start doing something.

   While I’ve perused other jobs for months I’m just not interested in anything. I basically feel like I have job related depression and am at a loss. Would a career counselor help? Any book recommendations? Other advice? Advice on recommitting to a company you like when you’re in a role you no longer enjoy? I’m a lawyer so have less flexibility than others on changing roles.

   Also, I do have hobbies and an active social life, but it’s not really enough to compensate for spending 40 hours on something I’m not happy doing.

   1. you obviously wrote this and only you know how you feel but i don’t think being demotivated necessarily equates to unhappy. They are seasons to life and seasons to careers. You have a toddler and are doing fertility treatments (which i think could make a person feel fuzzy and unfocused, you are flooding your body with hormones!) maybe it’s an ok time to just be in a job that you’re not that interested in. For what it is worth I spent about 6 years at a job i could do with my eyes closed when my kids were small and i was going through a horrible divorce. I knew when i began to think about leaving that it was because i finally had the bandwidth to manage it. Good luck to you! life is too short to be unhappy but a little bored…. that’s not so bad.

   2. I agree with the above that it isn’t necessarily bad to be demotivated. Life is long and there will be other chapters when you may be more passionate about your career.

8. What tops are you wearing to work? As I wear more wide trousers, my flowy blouses are looking more and more off. Fitted tshirts seem to be the easiest but that seems too casual for work. I do like the Katharine Hepburn look of a button up shirt tucked into trousers but don’t want to wear them every day.

   1. i don’t iron and i don’t dry clean. i wear what are essentially tshirts (machine washable and dryable) with some pizzazz and detailing. Every few years i buy a button down that i don’t wear.

   2. Sweater tees! A little more elevated but the same shape and general look of a t-shirt.

      1. Oh yes, I just bought a few from Boden. These are very nice but I’d try to look for a coupon:
         https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/catriona-cotton-crew-t-shirt-blue-jay/sty-k0916-blu?_br_psugg_q=catriona

      2. Yes! I wore sweater tees for years. Banana Republic often has nice ones.

   3. I’d look at linen t-shirts (Jcrew has some nice flowy ones) or silk ‘t-shirts’ from a place like Quince. Tucking those in with a belt seems the most current option to me.

   4. I’m wearing this today with pleated linen trousers and I’m really happy with it: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/organic-linen-organic-cotton-top/7667900?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing&color=330

      It’s a little cropped, so best for high-waisted bottoms and probably not great for tall people (I’m 5’4″ and short-waisted). The fabric is a pique knit and drapes nicely. I’ve also been wearing the Quince silk dolman-sleeve blouse a lot, which I tuck in.

Comments are closed.