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Updated: Jul 10, 2024 427 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Denim-Trim Basket-Tweed Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a blue tweed jacket, pink top, and white pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Tweed can be hard to pull off in the summer, but this blue-and-pink sweater blazer is making it work. I especially like the denim trim to add a little something special.

Pair this with some navy trousers for a more formal look or white denim if you’re in an office that skews more casual. I see that there’s also a matching skirt, but I suspect that wearing both the blazer and skirt at once would be a bit much. 

The sweater blazer is $149.99, marked down from $199, at Talbots — and today you can get 40% all markdowns! It comes in misses sizes 2-18, petite sizes 0-16, and plus sizes 14-24. (In plus petite, only size 20 is still in stock.)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Help me find this as a replacement for a beloved older casual summer dress that I literally wore to pieces:
    Above the knee
    Shirt sleeves
    A-line type skirt but not super floaty ; loose fit above skirt area
    Cotton but not super thin poplin (so not translucent) and woven vs jersey
    Maybe a pattern or with interesting seaming (ideal)

    Price not important — have bought nothing in a while and would even splurge for casual wear because I will wear so often

    • Anon

      I want to love this but have to agree. The material seems heavy and stiff, so it seems like it would be boxy in person.

      • Anon

        I want to love this but have to agree. The material seems heavy and stiff, so it seems like it would be boxy in person.

        • Anonymous

          SO TRUE. What is the problem with Talbots? Everything is square and very unflattering.

          • Seventh Sister

            As someone who is basically box-shaped (and also short-waisted), it works for me. I’ve been a fan since I was a teenager – back then I was skinny but with not much of a waist, now I’m a middle-aged mom who is not skinny and still doesn’t have a waist.

    • Anon

      I love a classic look but this one is just a bit old for me, and I’m pushing 60.

  3. Anon

    I signed my teens up for a group trip to Europe (Germany and other Central Europe countries). For 16 days. I’m not going (work), so it’s with EF tours and led by some teachers at their new school. Prior school had uniforms, so we are teen fashion challenged. Now I’m realizing: I don’t even know what is ideal American teen tourist wear (or the luggage needed). Birkenstocks and white sneakers, hoodies, layers? T-shirts with words? Will they come back with hoodies and tees from all the spots they go to?

    • Cat

      No faster way to identify as American than a bunch of athleisure. If they want to feel cool and European, street sneakers and linen. Plain slim fit tees.

      • Cat

        For boys. For girls, floaty dresses, cotton or linen “sets”, street sneakers.

      • Cat

        oh and one more thought – if churches or somber s-tes are on the itinerary, include some conservative lightweight stuff (midi skirt length, full length pants, gauzy scarf, etc)

        • Anon

          Knees/shoulders are the typical areas that need to be covered in somber spaces. There are street vendors who set up outside many of the big churches/religious spaces in Europe and make a killing selling shawls to men/women who are refused entry based on their clothing.

      • pink nails

        Wouldn’t most teenagers on a school trip feel more concerned about fitting in with their schoolmates vs. fitting in with European cool? While I hear you that a plain slim fit tee, linen pants, and street sneakers is objectively way more cool then athleisure, but I’m not sure it matter to the teen wearing them if all of the kid’s schoolmates are wearing athleisure. The kids are clearly going to be American tourists on a school trip regardless, might as well let them be.

        • Anon

          +1. What Cat is describing sounds great for a 40 year old tourist in Europe, but I really do not know any teenagers (European, American or otherwise) who dress like that on a day to day basis.

          • Cat

            ha, that’s fair. We were just in London and saw plenty of American families with kids head to toe in Under Armour and similar styles. It’s not like they’ll be kicked out of the country for wearing a hoodie.

            OP, do your kids know anyone else on the trip? In my teen years I would 100% have been comparing notes with my friends on what I’d be packing.

        • Anon

          With athleisure it’s also usually materials that can be quickly washed/rinsed in a hotel sink and let drip dry over night. The soak mini packs are great for this – I’ll use them for bras on longer travel where I can’t make it to a laundromat.

        • anon

          I went on several similar as a teenager. We absolutely wanted to fit in with European cool. Not that we succeeded, but we tried. There were times we were walking around tourist sites in a group of 30 kids, and what we wore didn’t matter. But we also had some freedom to go off in small groups for meals or shopping or just wandering the streets, and then we strived for the vibe there.

        • Anon

          Agree. They’ll be most concerned with fitting in with the group, given that they’re teens.

          I’d focus on comfortable shoes for lots and lots of walking, appropriate dress for cathedrals, and something for any planned dinners (which should be on the schedule.)

      • Anon

        I agree, but also it’s ok for American tourists to look like American tourists.

    • Anon

      What time of year? When I studied abroad in Italy over a spring/summer term our pre-orientation groups strongly suggested slightly more formal clothing, especially for women, and to make sure what we wore would cover our shoulders/knees (we were in religious spaces regularly for drawing/history courses). I’d suggest relaxed pants or midi skirts in natural fabrics paired with loose ‘nicer’ tshirts. Light layers are your friend but they should also expect to not have much A/C so I doubt multiple hoodies will be needed unless it’s winter.

      • Anon

        +1 you will need shoulders and knees covered for churches. It’s not strongly enforced in most places (the Vatican is a notable exception) but it’s disrespectful to not cover up in holy places.

        • Anon

          Our teachers took to carrying a few silk shawls in their bags to have on hand for when someone inevitably forgot to cover up and would have held up the group. The boys were worse than the girls at remembering (usually by wearing cargo shorts) but after having to wear a silk ‘pareo’ once or twice they all seemed to get with the program.

          • Anon

            Ha! We were just in Turkey and they had these sack-like skirts that both men and women could put on at the mosques if your shorts or skirt didn’t reach your knees. My husband packed long pants (with a nudge from me) and was kind of jealous he didn’t get to try the potato sack skirts.

    • Cat

      Luggage – I’d consider a large backpack, unless the tour will be responsible for getting luggage to and from each hotel.

    • Anon

      You’re reminding me of a school trip to Europe I took as a kid (uniformed school) and they made us WEAR OUR UNIFORMS on the trip. It was awful.

      • Anon

        My public school didn’t have uniforms but we had to wear color-coded clothing (like everyone had to wear a navy blue shirt on Day 1, a light purple day shirt on Day 2, etc.) so they could keep track of us.

    • Anon

      If your kids are old enough to go on a school trip to Europe, they are old enough to pick out their own clothing. And they don’t want the opinion of a lot of”old” women

      • Anon

        No doubt! But I bet they still need something mom or her wallet will be on board with (and not pay excess baggage fees for).

        • Seventh Sister

          My 16yo and I (strangely enough) don’t really fight much about clothes. She usually wears jeans and t-shirts to school and rarely dresses up. We give her a budget for clothes, and she likes thrifting but gets a few things at mall stores. Sometimes she even takes my advice.

  4. Anon

    I am still living a post-collegiate life, furniture-wise. If it was real wood and free to me, it was welcomed. I have some tables. In my family, the same table is a night stand and a side table by a chair or sofa. It holds a lamp and maybe a book or a coaster for a drink. But I look at some design blogs and maybe tables aren’t super-universal? I know a coffee table is lower. Now that I think I’d like a pair of night stands with drawers, I’m trying to settle on a set and realizing that I may have no idea what I am doing. This would go next to a 4-poster bed (see, supra, free real wood furniture, which is in older / traditional styles) that sits higher than modern platform-type beds. They do need to match, yes? I feel like they should match, at least in my room; the guest room can be quirky. [Can I also make an along-the-wall vignette, like in the entry, with any odd table or are some better for this than others?]

        • anon

          But not my preference. Matchy matchy is a certain …. look.

          I have a design aesthetic of unique pieces that work together

          • Anon

            I hired a designer briefly when I had to refurbish my home after divorce. She kept recommending matchy things to me and I just didn’t vibe with them. She described my style as “eclectic” which I took as her polite way of saying “messy” but 20 years later, that’s still my style!

          • Anon

            This is my ideal, but in certain non-optimal rooms I think matching nightstands have helped; it just depends on everything else going on for me.

      • Anon NYC

        My bf ordered a nightstand to match mine when we moved in together but it is a slightly different color which drives us insane.

      • Anon

        OP: this is very helpful!

        I clicked around and found this, which makes sense. BUT I break it daily because I can’t have nice things or even trust people to use coasters on any wood surface:
        SUGGESTION: An EHD personal rule is to never have a tablecloth on a table unless the table is set.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think they need to match each other. But they should be the same height.

    • Ses

      I prefer a mismatched but coordinated (similar style and colour) night stand. I often have a small table with drawer on one side and a bookcase or small dresser on the other.

    • Cat

      I prefer matching nightstands so long as they aren’t a “set” (like bed, nightstands, dressers all from the same collection)

    • Anon

      Go to Pinterest and pin all the photos that you like. After a while, you’ll notice patterns. Voila, your style! Once you identify the repeated elements, you can use that as a shopping list, so to speak, for whatever stores are in your budget.

    • Senior Attorney

      I will be the dissenter and say that as long as they are (about) the same height, they do not need to match. We have similar-but-not-the-same antique tables for our nightstands.

      Also pro tip: Decorative trays are great for containing clutter on nightstands and other surfaces.

    • Anonymous

      Usually people who don’t think they need to match are people who like antique/vintage furniture. They are probably never going to go into a furniture store and buy x model. I think what’s more challenging if you’re going to mix and match is if you say buy mid century modern furniture and mix it with something from 100 years prior. It can be done, but it’s harder. Also, you don’t even have to use a table. People stack things like vintage suitcases or other decorative items to be table like or use floating shelves. Pinterest and antique stores are good options to see what stands out to you.

  5. Anonymous

    I’m in a funk. I don’t want to do anything on my work to do list. Like, I don’t want to move anything forward. I am doing new work that comes in but I just sit there and stare at my existing list … ugh. I know I have to, I just don’t want to.

    • Anon

      Same boat over here. No advice, but funk solidarity from this internet stranger.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have an upcoming vacation? That usually motivates me to get through the existing list because I don’t want to have to brief my colleagues on the status — or field the suddenly urgent email about the project while I’m out.

    • Anonymous

      Can you break something on the list into smaller tasks? I find it helpful to do that and just tackle one teeny thing.

    • Anon

      Same. I haven’t had any real time off (other than a few long weekends) since Christmas and I am tired and have so much stuff to do. I have a vacation coming up in August but that feels so far away.

  6. Anon

    I’m moving in house after 9 years in BigLaw! Just got the job, will be taking off the rest of the summer and starting in September. For those who’ve done this, any recommendations on resources I can watch/read? I’m reporting in to the GC as part of a team of 8 lawyers. Would love to learn more about working in a ‘normal’ company instead of a law firm, bonus points for developing IP strategies.

    • Cat

      Keep up with industry news but otherwise relax, travel, etc! I don’t think watching videos or whatever will particularly help – you need to settle in, get to know the office politics, and be ready to give practical advice — in many cases recent Biglaw attorneys will be prone to advising as if they’re writing a whitepaper as opposed to a couple of bullet points that tie into how the business actually functions.

  7. Anon

    I’m the poster from yesterday afternoon who was thinking of hitting the brakes on moving in with my boyfriend, whose house is almost an hour away from my job, family, friends, and community. I want to thank you all for your replies – it was the wake up call I needed. What was I thinking? I decided to tell him last night that I wasn’t going to move in with him. To give more backstory, he bought the house right before we started dating, and I’m still a renter. It seemed only natural to move into the home that one of us owns, but now I’m so glad I’ve backed out. I have a few things to think about with the overall relationship too…when I broke the news to him, he said he will never live in the city again. “There are a lot of things in the city that I just don’t care for.” I said, “I feel the same way about the surrounding counties.” Silence. It wasn’t a good conversation. (And we aren’t talking city vs suburbs here…he won’t even live in the suburbs. He will only live in the country).

    As I get through what to do with the relationship, I need to get the stuff back that I moved into his house. I moved some really expensive/priceless/dear to me things…my entire vinyl record collection, my huge book collection, lots of stuff in a closet, and 5 signatures from Taylor Swift, (yes I’m 30 and that’s something priceless to me). He seemed upset on the phone last night and I feel like a breakup is imminent…please give me good vibes that I can get all my stuff back peacefully this weekend.

    • Anon

      To be fair, it’s understandable why he’d be upset about you suddenly telling him you weren’t going to move in with him. It sounds like you have good reasons not to, but I don’t understand why you didn’t think about that before you decided to move in and made a big deal about it. I’d be pretty gutted if I were him, especially if all you cared about in this situation was your stuff.

      • Anon

        Is there a reason you comment with, “Why didn’t you do this X way before?” It’s so unhelpful and scolding. Breakups are hard and messy. Life is hard and messy. She asked a specific question and the disciplinary finger-wagging is so obnoxious.

        • Anon

          I agree! OP, you did the right thing: it makes sense to move to the owned home; it makes sense to get a gut check if you aren’t feeling right about it; it makes sense to say something to him.

          I know people who have gotten divorced because they could not agree on where to live. I have a friend who took a $300,000 loss on a house to get the hell out of a state she genuinely hated. It does affect your happiness; everyone has limits to how much they can bloom where they are planted.

      • Anon

        +1. If the roles were reversed, I am sure you would have been upset too.

        But break-ups are always hard, so long run, it is better that you are figuring this out now.

      • Anon

        My point was more that him being upset is not a sign that he hates her, but a pretty normal reaction from anyone in this situation. This relationship may be doomed, but presumably they loved each other and were invested in the relationship, so it’s understandable that he was upset, not a sign that he was secretly a monster.

        And I asked why she didn’t think about the obvious reasons not to move in before because that would seem to be the key to understanding whether this relationship should survive. Did he push her into moving in with him despite her doubts? Did they never have a discussion about city vs country? How did this never come up before? A couple that can’t talk about these things or have any basic sympathy for each other’s feelings is unlikely to be a good match and should probably break up, but I might be misreading the situation from what she’s posted. I do wish them the best, as it’s certainly better to know that sooner rather than later.

        • pink nails

          +1 all of this. They were making a major life move together, and now they’re not. It would have been really weird if he wasn’t upset.

          • Anon

            THIS!

            I also don’t think it necessarily means they’re going to break up. Going from moving in together to breaking up is a big jump.

        • Anon

          She didn’t ask any of this, nor did she say she’s worried that he hates her. She only asked about tips on returning to get stuff. You may have opinions on this whole scenario and it’s the internet so say what you want, but I still don’t see the point of finger-wagging beyond the self-important need to scold someone.

          • pink nails

            oh whatever, technically she didn’t ask for anything except to give her good vibes. we didn’t even need to comment for that. but she provided more details, which invites a discussion on a discussion board. If anyone posts and doesn’t want people to discuss what they post about, they shouldn’t provide the details.

            And frankly, it is relevant to getting her stuff back to have some empathy for the guy who was understandably upset. If she goes into this weekend guns blaring like he’s being unreasonably at having any feelings or unreasonably for wanting to live in the house/area that two days ago she was also saying she was going to live in, that will create a situation that is so much more uncomfortable and weird than if she goes in with an attitude like – hey, I get it, this sucks. you totally have a right to feel upset, I’m upset too.

      • Anon

        She asked how to get her treasured belongings back from him, not whether she made the right decision.

    • Anon

      This actually happened to two of my good (female) friends recently. Meet guy on app, guy lived in our general metro area but owns a house pretty far out, girl rents in a fun, walkable part of the city. As things get serious, guy puts serious pressure on girl to move to them, along with a lot of pontificating on how their house is inherently superior and the city is bad. In one case it caused the end of the relationship, in the other my friend has kept her place and they are trying to compromise (ie buy something together in a more residential part of the city). In the case of guy #1, he had seriously icky controlling vibes and no intention to compromise.

      • Anon

        I’d suggested also hiring a mover to co e with a truck so you do it all in one swoop without a lot of effort on your end. If you have Lugg in your area, they’re great for small things like this, or task rabbit is an option too.

      • Peloton

        Yeah, I think it’s super reasonable for this guy to feel blindsided/upset on the call where you tell him you’re not moving in, and almost all guys will get over that by the weekend and just want you to take your stuff and go…but some won’t, the most dangerous time in a relationship is when you’re leaving, and it sounds like he doesn’t have close neighbors, so bring a buddy just in case.

        • Anonymous

          Exactly. This has potential for violence written all over rite. You cannot be too safe. I would hire a very big mover and bring a male friend. Give your BF a heads up that you are coming with escorts and he may be there or not but you will be leaving with them and ALL of your belongings as soon as they are packed and put on the truck. No discussions at the time. You can talk when you are at a safe distance and emotions have settled. Good luck to you.

          • Anonymous

            I’d go with a male relative and movers over a male friend. Like Dad or brother or cousin even if they are not doing the actual lifting. If there is a violence concern, a male friend is more likely to provoke unfounded jealously/cheating allegations.

          • Peloton

            Boy, I disagree with this take. OP has named no red flags. I think any woman going to a house of a soon to be ex in the country to retrieve belongings should bring someone along with her as a precaution (and as a help!!!), but what you’re describing seems like a huge overescalation.

    • Anonymous

      Take it one step at a time. Maybe set up a date in a favorite location for the day after you move your stuff. Set aside some time for conversations on next steps.

      If you were interested in moving in together then there is clearly something deep and meaningful about your relationship. Be clear that you are pausing on the moving in but you do love him and want to explore what being together might look like. What is it about the city that he doesn’t like? Would he consider a different area that’s a little more rural than you would like but not as isolating as his current spot or is this his dream home and anywhere else is a deal breaker?

      DH moved to my home city even though he’s from a wealthier country with a higher standard of living. We had a long series of conversations about where to live and what we wanted our lives to look like. Our balance is my home city with a solid budget set aside for annual trips to see his family for 2-3 weeks. I took a career step back to take a job that allows a 2-3 week vacation annually.

      Life will throw stuff at you — early parent death, surprise twins, etc. You can’t plan for it all, but you can have deep discussions about what you want your lives to look like in 5, 10, 15 years etc. Do you plan to have kids? Travel? Focus on the nicest house you can afford or a smaller house and a lake cottage or ski condo?

      • Anon

        I don’t know why everyone wants to second guess OP’s decision now. She made it. It’s the right decision for her, even if it wouldn’t have been for you.

        Anyway, she just asked for advice on getting her stuff back.

        • Anonymous

          I’m not second guessing her decision. Pausing the move is clearly the right decision but it’s not off topic to suggest things relevant to a possible path forward when her post expressly states that they have not broken up yet.

        • Anon

          It’s an Internet forum. It’s ok to answer questions not explicitly asked. No one died because they were asked to further evaluate the effect their actions had on another person.

    • Anonymous

      How much time have you spent at his house? Maybe move your stuff out but start spending weekends there so you have time for conversations about where you both see things going.

    • Cat

      Oh man, hugs. But this is a really important thing to figure out before you’re more entwined.

      If you want to continue to explore the relationship, I think you need to tell him that you understand this may come as a blow, that you want to explore alternatives that may be a better compromise location, but that in the meantime you want to keep your home base. Can you enlist a friend or rent a van so the Stuff Removal can be one trip?

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like there’s a lot of red flags hiding in the counties, I’m glad you didn’t move. Hopefully your belongings remain unharmed

    • Sunshine

      I replied yesterday and suggested you hit pause. I think your first few sentences here confirm you’re making the right decision for you right now. Good job to you for doing the hard thing and having the hard conversation instead of continuing with a flow you were in that wasn’t right for you right now.
      I suggest you take a friend to help you collect your stuff this week or weekend. if you want the relationship to continue, then I’d make that clear to him and plan some fun dates. He may need to step back and process this change, and that’s okay too as long as no one gets nasty. All of this is complicated. Hugs and support to both of you – thanks for posting an update.

      • Anon

        Agree. Good for you, OP. I get the feeling that if you had moved into his house, you’d be posting here within 6 months about your inflexible “my way or the highway and it’s my house” boyfriend.

        • Anon

          OP made the right decision but I think you’re being pretty unfair to the BF based on the limited info we have.

          • Anon

            TBH I had a house when I met someone who also owned a house. I was flexible about a lot of things but his house or commute was not one of them. We ultimately got a third house.

            He has some inflexibles. The OP has some. Both are OK to have. They may just make it inevitable that it doesn’t work out. And that is Ok also.

          • Anon

            Can you even read? OP is scared of this guy.

            This is the gift of fear. She needs to listen to it.

          • Anonymous

            How is OP scared of him when she’s worried he’s going to break up with her?

          • Flats Only

            Where she says “please give me good vibes that I can get all my stuff back PEACEFULLY this weekend”. Being worried about an un-peaceful interaction sounds like scared to me.

          • Anon

            Well I read peacefully as in not fighting (verbally) or having the interaction with emotional or mental peace.

            I didn’t jump to physical violence or even verbal threatening language.

          • Anon

            Does she literally need to say “I am scared of him” or can you read the context clues? Come on. Trust women. Don’t always side with the man because you’re married.

          • Anonymous

            I also read ‘peacefully’ as reference to wanting to avoid a verbal argument because she also worries that a break up is coming which means she does not consider herself to have broken up with him.

    • Anonymous

      As hard and awkward as this might be right now, it’s way better than if you had moved in and were having to amplify the logistics of securing your stuff while also figuring out where to go. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a break. But it’s going to be better for your relationship in the long run if your needs are more balanced. Someone who wants you to move to the country surrounded by all of his family and friends with no compromise–like a suburb–is likely to assume you’ll always bend to what works best for him. I’ve been in relationships like that and it’s awful when power is lopsided. It starts in small ways and continues to grow over time. You’re young enough and not ingrained in routines that there is still time to get more balance here if both of you want it. But not moving in was a major bullet dodged until more of that starts to happen. It’s also OK to recognize that you don’t want to have to push all the time for more equal footing. I married someone older than me, much wealthier than me, with a son, who has a more important job, and owns our home. And while I’m generally happy with our life. I’d be lying if I don’t also seriously wonder what might have been if I had met a more even match, where we would be facing milestones and challenges in more of a true partnership. Think long and hard about what you want a relationship to look like now and 15 or 20 years down the road.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry I’ve read the OPs comment several times and I just don’t get where the concept that he’s scaring her or that this might become violent is coming from?

      It sounds like they’re incompatible long term as they don’t want to live in similar areas, and that’s fine. But I don’t think that the relationship has necessarily run it’s course nor do I think he’ll try to steal her stuff nor do I think he’ll become violent or threatening.

      • Anon

        History shows that men are unpredictable and the most dangerous times for a woman is when she’s leaving/moving stuff out/the man is not in control. They’re just looking out for OP.

      • Peloton

        Man, I think she should bring a friend with because it will help mitigate the VERY small risk this guy loses his temper and destroys her property or harms her, but the other commenter taking that view is acting like this guy has a history of DV. I was thinking you just bring a friend and say you’re going antiquing after in a nearby town after to make it less of a “I’m coming to get my stuff” thing…

      • Anon

        Assume, arguendo, that DV is not a concern.

        I would still encourage her to bring a friend. I have dated men who refuse to accept that their girlfriend wants to break up, doesn’t want to garden, wants to move out, etc., and will argue the point over and over and over, until she gives in.

    • anon

      Well done. As others have said, of course he is upset. Agree with bringing a friend or two to help you remove your things this weekend.

      And this late realization that his living preferences are so firm and different from yours really shocks me. Because information like this should have come to your attention long before now. It makes me wonder how deeply you know and match each other’s values, which is so essential for a successful long term relationship (in my experience).

      • Anon

        Regarding your second paragraph: plenty of men will talk a great game about things (“If things work out, we can look at buying a house together in a place we both like”), but when the rubber meets the road, that all vanishes.

        • anon

          But he is talking about… “I will never live in the city… or the suburbs…” ie. just the country/rural. What the heck? As we know, those differences are not only about cost/house size, but of community, values, diversity, politics and more. It is not at all like vague example you describe.

    • smurf

      oof.. I’m also surprised city v. country didn’t come up before now, but still better now than after fully moving in!

      it’s totally understandable for him to be upset – anyone would be – but doesn’t mean anyone is a monster here. It would be weird if he wasn’t sad about his gf deciding to not move in, right?

      Agree with renting a truck or vehicle so you can get all your stuff in one go. I think the relationship is over – even if you were able to figure out a location compromise, just generally I’ve never really seen relationships survive after taking a step back (e.g. cancelling a wedding but staying together, not moving in, saying no to a proposal – I think that’s normal!)

      • Anon

        +1 to all of this.

        Strange to get far enough in a relationship in which you’re ready to move in but living preferences never came up yet.

        Of course a boyfriend would be upset if a) a girlfriend backed out of moving in last minute and b) might be breaking up. It’d be a red flag if he didn’t. Being upset doesn’t mean it’ll get violent.

    • Anon

      Here’s my 2 cents after reading all the comments so far. OP, whatever people say about figuring stuff out before you decided to move in together, I think it’s so crucial that you figured it out now. You did a brave thing, asking for advice and support here yesterday, and deciding to pause. Depending on how long you’d been together, your BF may have been on his best behavior so far. Also, there are so many implicit pressures on women to be agreeable and go along, that even if there were some early signs of inflexibility or what not it may have felt tempting to push away the doubts in favor of the relationship.

      Look at this as an opportunity to disccover who your BF is under stress, and how the two of you function when everything is not ideal. If you’re still considering making a life together, this will be invaluable information. You may discover something you don’t like — and if so, that’s sad, but good to know! You may also have a pleasant surprise. I don’t think any of us in the comment section have enough information to know which way it’s likely to go, but you probably do, and you will get more of it in the upcoming days. However it goes, you will learn so much about yourself and how you want to do relationships.

      Also, seconding the comments that recommend you not pre-judge your BF and the future of the relationship based on him being disappointed. At the same time, like I said, you know more than we do, and the person who mentioned The Gift of Fear book may be on to something. Can you find a way to pay attention to your gut while also giving this a chance to unfold? I know that is difficult! And you don’t have to do it if you don’t feel safe…

    • Annie Q

      Asking for your stuff back immediately will probably end the relationship. Maybe wait and see what is going to happen to the relationship first? Or at least to give him time to adjust? Unless you think he might want revenge by trashing your vinyl or something, maybe don’t let your new perspective on the relationship lead you to be unempathetic about what he’s going through. But most of all, good for you for doing the hard thing now instead of trying to make it work and going through an even harder thing later.

  8. Anon

    My new office has a “smart casual” dress code and “nice sneakers” are allowed. I own a pair of white Vejas but they look very beaten up. What would you wear as nice sneakers? I’m usually wearing nicer pants and a blouse or linen t shirt.

    • Anon

      I wear Nike daybreaks or Killshots. Vejas are definitely very popular in my office (clean new looking ones) as are Sambas, Eccos, and designer sneakers (Gucci bees, Loewe flow).

      • Anon

        I walk a lot every day so I wear sneakers that can double as smartish-casual shoes and walking shoes.

        My most comfortable pair currently are, surprisingly, Skechers. They’re a slip on style with elastic laces so they look like tie up shoes but they’re not. I can wear these to the nice-casual office no problem.

        I’ve spent a lot more on shoes so I’m surprised that these $50 on sale sneakers ended up being the ones I reach for.

    • Anecdata

      I have some Portland Leather sneakers – they come in fun colors if that’s of interest
      fwiw, I almost sent them back thinking they were too small, but after wearing around the house in small chunks for several days they ended up really comfortable

    • Anon

      I have Cole Haan sneakers that are several seasons old, but they should have some office-appropriate athletic styles.

    • Shelle

      I’m wearing Naturalizer Morrison style. To keep them looking presentable I leave them in the office and never wear them outdoors. I also put my shoelaces in the washing machine maybe once a year.

    • Anon

      I have a pair of Ecco low top white sneakers for work. I also keep mine at the office and never wear them outside to keep them looking nice!

    • Winter

      In my opinion once they look “very beaten up,” they are no longer nice sneakers. Nice would refer to the condition, not the brand. Ie, a basic inexpensive sneaker in good condition would be “nicer” for purposes of the dress code than a worn out version of a top brand.

  9. Anon

    For those of you who were not committed to trying for an unmedicated birth, did you have a doula or consider one? We’re considering one to provide support/pain relief techniques/be an extra voice to ask questions or clarifications, but I don’t want to be pressured into a “natural birth” or to breastfeed no matter what. I’m not sure if I’d really get my money’s worth from a doula if the main thing we’re looking for is some extra support (the cost would be about $2,300 in my area, not covered by insurance), but at the same time, I think if we found one that was the right fit, we likely wouldn’t run into the issue of a doula having an agenda. Other notes: I work in maternal health and am already very familiar with what doulas are and what they do and don’t do, I’m not making a birth plan other than “alive mom and baby” and a few random minor preferences, my OB providers seem a bit rushed at most appointments, my husband tends to get overwhelmed during fast-moving, tense situations, and we do not have good local family support. I’m really on the fence about this! Studying doulas professionally and deciding on one for yourself are totally different. Looking for thoughts from a less crunchy group of women.

    • Anon

      I never considered hiring a doula and the only people I know who did wanted a “natural” (med-free) birth. Like you, my birth plan was mainly “alive and healthy mom and baby” with minimizing pain for me as the second most important goal. I was induced, got the epidural around 4 cm (when my contractions still felt like bad cramps) and had the baby about 6 hours later. It was all pretty smooth.

      If I had a spare $2,300 lying around I’d use it to hire a night nurse for a few weeks. That would be way more useful than a doula imo.

      • Anon

        +1. This was also my view. I wound up with a ‘terrible’ outcome by crunchy mom standards (membranes swept, pitocin, emergency c after 24 hours of no progress and baby in distress). I had awesome nurses who were great and I was totally ok with the outcome (I was fine! baby was fine!). Other moms I know/spoke to were horrified by my ‘labor story’ (see Taffy Brodesser-Akners NYT story). I think it’s a mindset thing if you’re really attached to your birthing experience going a certain way (vs. expecting the usual level of support from nurses/doctors) I’d go with a Doula. Otherwise I’d spend that money elsewhere.

        • Anonymous

          Look – I voluntarily and happily had my membranes stripped at 39.5 weeks with my second — but it’s pretty gross to suggest that it’s even remotely acceptable for a doctor to strip a patient’s membranes without consent (and without telling her what he’s doing) while she’s screaming in pain and telling him to stop. Per her account, the baby was not in distress — and even if he had been, the doctor cannot perform a procedure without appropriate consent. What she experienced is assault. She acknowledges in the article that she’s surprised that she has had such a hard time of moving past it and that the event triggered such a strong trauma response for her, but don’t diminish the fact that the doctor assaulted her.

          • Anon

            I’m the anon at 9:39 and I actually had my membranes swept without my consent too! I had a very smooth birth and luckily did not have any complications from that, but am still annoyed about that many years later. It’s definitely not ok!!

          • anon

            agreed. I asked to have my membranes stripped with each baby but after discussing it with my midwife each time and consenting to it. I would have been furious if the doctor had just done it. That is battery and not just about “mindset”.

      • anon

        +1 that I’d rather spend the money on a bit of night nurse support if I could find a night nurse to take a short-term engagement. I thought night nurses were an expensive luxury I didn’t really need, but looking back, I think a bit of night nurse support is a luxury only in the way that healthy food is a luxury.

        • Anon

          This is such a good point. I didn’t have either (doula or night nurse) but labor and delivery is a moment in time. Sleep deprivation is weeks and weeks.

          My PPD is we likely mainly hormonally influenced, with a healthy dose of past trauma, but sleep deprivation took it from “might need therapy” to “might need to be hospitalized” territory.

        • Anon

          There are also postpartum doulas that provide support after birth instead. They usually have “packages” of certain hours and will do cooking/laundry/hold baby so you can take a shower. If I had to do over again and I had $2,300, I would have hired a postpartum doula.

    • Anon

      You can, it really depends if you want to. If so I recommend screening for one that will be supportive of your choices. I loosely wanted to try unmedicated but was open to changing my mind. I’m happy I wasn’t too committed to my plans because I got preeclampsia and had to be induced and got an epidural, which was the right choice given the circumstances. My husband is good with medical stuff and I trusted him to be supportive and advocate for me if needed. I honestly didn’t want another stranger in the room for what should be an intimate experience – joke is on my because a cohort of residents ended up attending the birth, but I was way past caring at that point. Anyway, I did look into doulas and there are lots of them who openly say they will support you in a hospital setting and whatever pain management you need or want. If you have friends who gave birth recently, you can always ask for recommendations.

      • Anon

        I also second the above recommendation for a night nurse – we broke down and got one at 6 weeks when I was delirious with exhaustion and in hindsight I should have gotten one sooner.

        • Veronica Mars

          Third. I would fund that first before a doula. Especially because depending on the hospital, your L&D nurse can provide a lot of that support that a doula would do during labor.

    • octagon

      You might try asking on the moms page too.

      I had a doula, but needed an emergency c-section because baby was in sudden distress. The doula was not particularly supportive in that moment, and did not come into the operating room. I was scared and it was fairly traumatic, and the doctors were adamant that a c-section was urgent (baby took a long time to breathe after delivery and needed some rescue measures). The doula barely said anything to me after the birth and I was so disappointed and felt unsupported. If I could do it again, I would have asked in the initial screening about times when a birth resulted in an emergency c-section and possibly even contacted a reference to see how it was handled. No one plans for that, but I think she could have done a lot to help me feel better given the situation. Like you, my only end goal was a healthy mom and a healthy baby, and I’m very thankful that we ended up there.

      • anon

        I am really disappointed that your doula was not helpful in this situation. I also had a doula with an emergency c-section, and she was great – she talked us through everything that was happening and advocated for greater attention to my discomfort; she was able to come into the operating room with us and helped guide my husband through the process (medical team was rightly very focused on me + baby). Then she helped me initiate breastfeeding while still on the operating table, which was important to me. While I was in recovery she moved all of our stuff from the “delivery” to the “postpartum” room we were assigned and had food, flowers, etc. all set up when we got there, and then kicked out the lactation consultant for me when I had had enough of the LC’s bad advice. She met with me postpartum to recap the details that had been all blurry in haze of the emergency and helped me feel really powerful and that I had made a lot of good decisions to protect my baby and myself.

        However for subsequent deliveries (planned c-sections), I spent the money on a postpartum doula instead.

      • Anon

        I am so sorry that happened to you with your doula. Please review her everywhere you can.

        Yours is the example that confirms that a doubla would never be right for me.

    • Peloton

      I did not, but my husband is a medical professional and did things like mentally keep track of time since my water broke (which is good because the overnight nurse forgot to tell the next nurse or OB that it had broken), talked me through when and whether to get an epidural, held my hand and did the communicating with the staff when I had a bad reaction to a medication, etc. It was really helpful to have someone who wasn’t me doing that. I don’t know that it was $2,300 helpful, though, so maybe your husband can do some pre-labor educational classes and provide support. None of what my husband did was in a really big crisis moment, but I think in a really big crisis moment, your doula would step back and let the OB handle the crisis anyway.

    • Anon

      I did not have a doula, but in hindsight I wish I had one. In general, the doctors and nurses are concerned with anything that may be life-threatening and not as concerned about things like your preferences or long term pelvic floor health. So, if there are preferences you have, you want to push a certain way, you’re worried about bad nurses and your husband not being able to advocate for you, I would get a doula.

      • Anonymous

        + 1 on doctors not being well trained in pelvic floor health. I was using a lot of the mental techniques I used to run marathons during my unmediated labor and was not screaming my head off and doctor/nurses decided this meant I wasn’t pushing hard enough. Ended up with some damage as a result of pushing much too hard too early. A doula who knew me before would have been in better tune with me and where I was vs medical professionals who didn’t know me. If your OB is part of a larger practice you may have a delivery with doctor and nurses you have never met before.

    • Anona

      I did not plan to (and did not have) an unmedicated birth, but for me a doula was an insurance policy to ensure that both my baby and I had someone present to advocate for our care. It was about the same cost as what you’re looking at (in the DC area), but I wanted someone who could stay with me if my husband had to leave with the baby to go to the NICU after birth, and who could help coach me through the hours before active pushing.

      In the end, the doula was most useful for managing pain, even though that wasn’t why I had one initially. The pain between when I got to the hospital and when I got my epidural was so much that I was vomiting, and it was causing tension in my body that led to more severe and frequent contractions, in a negative spiral. My doula, who had worked as a yoga instructor, was instrumental in helping me manage my pain and calm my breathing so that I could sit still and get the epidural. Her coaching during those intense minutes was enough for me unclench to a point where I could get the epidural placed.

      If I were actively seeking an unmedicated birth, I wouldn’t hesitate to have a doula for that purpose specifically. I was very clear that like you I didn’t have a “birth plan” and that I was intending to get an epidural, and while my doula wanted to talk about about the experience of labor more than I felt was necessary (both before and after the event!) I never felt like she was trying to persuade me to have what she considered a “good” birth.

    • Anonymous

      I had a my babies in a huge hospital with a team of nurse midwives and saw zero need for this. I’m also an extremely silky, meaning opposite of crunchy, mom and had epidurals with both babies.

      It’s not popular to say but I think the pressure to have a unmediated birth is unnecessary and damaging and I found that while the midwives were amazing, the birth class instructor they sent me to was absolutely of the crunchy unmedicated birth persuasion. The women really talked about avoiding an epidural like it was an accomplishment. Frankly a lot of women in my circles used to also believe that. I promise it’s not. I’d be really careful that you avoid anyone like that if your goal is not about unmedicated birth and unfortunately I think a lot of doulas come from this mindset. I’m glad I didn’t have a doula with that mindset running interference between me and my trusted medical care providers.

      • Anon

        The pressure for unmedicated birth is so ridiculous to me. It’s bragging rights > baby. So dumb.

        • Anon

          I don’t think it’s bragging rights before baby. Unmedicated birth doesn’t hurt the baby. I think it’s unnecessary suffering for the mom though! I was all about the epidural. You can get pain meds for other minor medical procedures like having cavities filled; I don’t know why women are expected to birth without pain meds.

          • Anon

            It absolutely can hurt the baby, just like any other method of giving birth, but I find that fact is SO glossed over. No one wants to talk about prolonged labor, obstructed labor, risks of delaying a necessary C-section, and more. It’s been put on a pedestal in a way that is unsafe.

          • Anon

            Right, delaying a c section or other interventions at any cost ends up costing the baby.

        • Anon

          It’s unnecessary bragging rights. At least from what I’ve noticed, the most accomplished women I know (who have actual reasons to brag about stuff they have done) are, *in general*, much more likely to get epidurals. This isn’t a 100% on each side thing, just that one group tends to have more epidurals than the other.

        • Anon

          This is unfair. Yes, pressuring another woman is not cool, but so is saying women have unmedicated births for bragging rights. I’ve had four unmedicated births. It is HARD and painful. But I feel really good as soon as the baby comes out, and I can move and pee and get a natural adrenaline spike. No nausea or headaches or dropped blood pressure, which can be side effects of epidurals/other meds, and are other things I wanted to avoid. My sisters and best friend have all had bad experiences during their labors with epidurals (3 hours pushing, vacuums, bad tears for all of them) and I’ve valued the chance to move around through my labors, get baby to drop easily, and push in any position I’ve wanted.

          Women choose unmediated births for all sorts of important, valid reasons, just as they choose to make use of other options.

          • Anon

            More recent evidence suggests that having an epidural speeds up labor, because when you’re not in pain your body is more relaxed and can do it’s thing faster. The idea that it slows down labor and leads to interventions is outdated.

            Anecdotally, my friends and I all head epidurals and none of us had any complications or issues and all of us birthed vaginally without vacuums or forceps.

          • Anon

            Don’t they also give you pitocin to speed up labor when you have an epidural, though? They may not tell you that you’re getting it, but it’s standard practice at least in the US to give it. It was on my chart despite it never being mentioned.

          • Anon

            My doctor said there have been lots of high quality studies in recent years that epidurals don’t prolong labor. I linked to one of them above.

        • Anonymous

          Where on earth are you seeing pressure to have an unmedicated birth? I had to fight long and hard to have one. It wasn’t about bragging rights. It was about the fact that pain medication makes me loopy and nauseous and I am so terrified of needles that there is no way I am ever letting anyone stick one in my spine. My experience is that hospitals and doctors push strongly for epidurals, induction or augmentation of labor, and c-sections for their own convenience, then turn around and demand that the same women who just suffered through all of those interventions room in with their babies and wake up to BF them every couple of hours. The birth industry is a factory and the mom is just a piece of equipment. A doula can help reduce your odds of being treated like a piece of meat, whether or not you want an epidural.

          • Anonymous

            This. USA hospitals have way worse facilities and way higher unnecessary intervention rates than comparable hospitals in Europe. University educated midwifes and in hospital water births have been standard practice for like 20 years in many areas.

          • Anonymous

            Like I said I gave birth in a hospital with nurse midwives. It’s still somewhat unusual in the us.As I thought I explained that they were crunchy adjacent as are lots of people in my family and friend group.

          • Anon

            +1 I’m the poster above who had four unmedicated births, at three different hospitals, and every time the nurses remarked how unusual it was to have a patient who didn’t have meds, and were momentarily surprised when I could move around and get up right after birth. I felt an unspoken assumption/expectation to have an epidural, and had to be very clear to please not offer me one unless I proactively asked. Even in talking to other moms I was (unintentionally, I’m sure) made to feel like a crazy person for choosing pain.

            I think these are such personal choices that we all read into others’ expectations, and feel pressure from “the other side”

        • Anon

          I don’t think it’s all bragging rights. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if my epidural was a factor in my birth injury. I feel the “your body was made to do this” movement can be pretty toxic but there are some evidence-based benefits ignored by many OBs related to being able to move around during labor and not birth in the lithotomy position.

        • Anon

          This isn’t fair. It was controversial for years whether certain interventions increased or decreased the odds of PPD; people are thinking about things other than bragging rights.

        • Anonymous

          The view that women do it for the bragging rights is just as damaging as the view that it’s better to be unmedicated.

          I chose an unmedicated birth not because it’s ‘better’ but because it was right for me. I have a ton of issues with migraines and epidurals are known to trigger them. I was also much calmer in labor because I could move around freely and position myself as I wanted which helped me feel more in control. Feeling tied down or restricted in movement can be triggering for some women especially in labor when you are already not in full control of your body.

      • Peloton

        I mean, I had a very bad reaction to my epidural that led to both maternal and fetal distress and nearly led to an emergency c-section. That outcome is rare but does happen, and I think it’s okay for women to choose or not choose an epidural based on their own evaluation of risks and benefits.

        I am very comfortable with my decision to try the epidural in that birth and wish it had worked for me, but I will not do one again (per my OB’s recommendations). (There are other options that may be available, but not a traditional epidural). If I make it through that birth without an epidural, I will absolutely consider it an accomplishment, because good lord do I wish my spine played nicely with the drugs and I could have one—but it doesn’t, and I can’t.

        • Peloton

          And I guess in general, I think it’s okay for women to think birthing a child—and whatever choices they make in connection with that—is an accomplishment, full stop.

          • Anon

            Go out onto a sidewalk and look at the crowds. Every one of those people came out of a woman. I’ve done it thrice. I do not count it as an “accomplishment.” My babies are the reward.

          • Peloton

            Ok! It’s fine you don’t think you accomplished anything by birthing three children, and it would be fine if you did. I don’t see the point in undermining other women’s sense of accomplishment in this or any other circumstance.

          • Anon

            Pregnancy and childbirth are HARD. The fact that it’s been done about ten billion times doesn’t mean it is easy.

            How on earth are we supposed to advocate for better maternity care and maternity leave if we act like childbirth is NBD just because a lot of women have done it? Stop trying to be clever – you’re missing the point.

    • Anonymous

      I had a fantastic doula who attended planned inductions and c-sections for several members of our childbirth class. She was indispensable for my natural birth but I think I would have wanted her even more if I’d needed a c-section.

    • Anonymous

      I vote yes. I had my first birth without one and my second birth with one. A few reasons stuck out for me in your post:
      – my OB providers seem a bit rushed at most appointments
      – my husband tends to get overwhelmed during fast-moving, tense situations
      – we do not have good local family support.

      I didn’t have one on my first birth, DH was overwhelmed and stressed and I had a hard time articulating what I wanted (lower lights, relaxing music). It felt more stressful and sterile then it needed to. I went two weeks early and my OB didn’t deliver me.

      I got a doula for my 2nd birth and it was mush better. She couldn’t be in the delivery room but was with me right until I delivered. I was in a much better headspace due to her support at home for hours before the hospital and during the first couple hours at the hospital. Our hospital does twin deliveries in the OR if baby #2 is breech and they only allow one support person so obv. that was DH. I had her postpartum as well and I didn’t pump at all on my first and was terrified after a couple bad experiences attempting to do so on my first so she helped a lot with that and with learning how to babywear. Both births were unmedicated but ironically the twin birth that included the beech baby was a million times better than being stressed out and overwhelmed and exhausted on my first birth.

      The right doula makes a huge difference. Mine was very focused on the notion of it being a birth of a mother in addition to a baby. She did postpartum work and maternity related counseling (which turned out to be enormously helpful when my sister had a stillbirth two weeks after I had my twins).

      Look for:
      – standardized medical background – eg social worker, nurse etc
      – watch out for any signs she is an anti-vaxxer or very militant about BF
      – availability of postpartum care
      – does she support a variety of births – mine offered services in relation to casearans as well.

      I’m not sure what area of maternal health you work in but I found learning about BF to be something I didn’t do enough. I focused too much on the labor and not enough on the after and was ill equipped with knowledge of various holds etc. Like I had no clue babies can start teething as early as 3 months and that can make them fussy when nursing and how to deal with that. One of my 3 babies only ever nursed in football hold. Despite a rough first birth, I had a fantastic BF experience on my first baby once I figured it out and doula was very helpful when I grieved not having the same experience with the twins – they were combo fed and would never tandem feed so it was a lot to schedule and a let down after such a good experience with my first.

    • test run

      Yes – I work in medicine and am pro-intervention, but hired a doula just for additional support and honestly having someone around who knew more about the specific hospital where I was scheduled to give birth (not the one where I work) and and the birthing process in general. I ended up having to have a scheduled c-section, which I elected not to have them attend, but they came afterwards and were actually pretty helpful in the recovery space. They were a little more granola probably than I am, but I was super up front about some non-crunchy choices (epidural 100%, exclusively formula feeding, etc.) and they were totally cool with it. They checked in a lot with me before/after birth, too, which was nice. My husband is a fainter, so if I hadn’t had a c-section, I was worried about him having to tap out during delivery. If your husband gets overwhelmed and you don’t have local family support, you might just appreciate having another calm, helpful adult around.

    • A

      After a traumatic first child birth, I did a doula and an epidural for my second child (I wanted aaaalll of the help). It was amazing and empowering and I am so glad I did.

    • Anonymous

      I think what you mentioned about your husband’s way of processing fast-moving, tense situations is a really important factor. My husband is similar, is not particularly medically inclined, and doesn’t handle the sight of blood very well. I think that both of my birth experiences (one of which began with an induction and ended >24h later with a c-section after several hours of unsuccessful pushing, and the other which was an unplanned, unmedicated, rapid VBAC after my water broke seven days before my scheduled section) would have been improved if we’d had someone in the room to guide HIM in being a more supportive partner in the moment. Like some others said, not sure if it would have been $2300 worth of improvement, but I do think it would have led to both of us having more positive memories of our children’s births.

      • Anonymous

        This. I needed a doula because my husband is completely useless as an advocate in medical situations. Doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t try to understand what is going on, blindly accepts whatever doctors say, doesn’t listen to anyone, etc. At one point I think the doula had to argue against him for my preferences to be respected. The nurse wanted to give me narcotics against my express wishes and for no good reason. He was going to go along with it until the doula spoke up with “she said she didn’t want that.” I had not even noticed what was about to happen until that moment because I was busy, you know, having a baby.

    • Anon

      Thanks for the responses so far – food for thought. If doulas were under $1,000, I’d try it in a heartbeat (except if I end up with a scheduled C-section – don’t see the point), but I’m getting stuck on the cost and whether it’s “worth it.” We might also consider a night nurse or even a postpartum doula, which is offered through at least one local doula group, but my husband is more interested in that than I am.

      • Anonymous

        DONA dot org is the international doula association that has a searchable website based on the service provided (birth/postpartum/both). Birth doulas are more common but a good birth doula will also have connections and recommendations for postpartum doulas or night nurses. Many doulas in training will have lower rates as well.

      • Anon

        I would 100% rather pay for a night nurse/post partum doula vs. a doula for the birth. Hospitals vary widely in terms of their breastfeeding support and postpartum women get almost no help once they’re home. You are likely facing some pretty intense days of recovery at home for the first 1-2 weeks and if you have no local family I can see a lot of value in having extra hands around!

        • Anon

          i agree with this. i had a rough delivery (c section bc twins with twin A facing the wrong way) and lost a lot of blood and DH was not very good at advocating on my behalf, though i spent the first 48 hours on a floor where the patient to nurse ration was 2:1 and had amazing amazing nurses. the OB who delivered someone i’d never met. our night nurse saved my life. i felt terrible post-delivery, and DH only got one week off work. i had terrible PPD and PPA. She helped me with nursing, bathing, washing baby’s clothes, bottles, pump parts, etc. I could basically sleep at night without worrying and she woke me when it was time to feed. it was not cheap, but i am forever grateful i could afford to have one. perhaps different with a DH with a longer paternity leave (my BIL had 16 weeks) or only one baby, but i am very pro baby nurse

    • Anonymous

      this was 10+ years ago now, but “no epidural” and “breastfeeding only” are the two things that i look back on my birth plans and laugh at how you don’t know what you don’t know. i know it seems really important going in, but roll with the punches the day of. have your husband on your team and be agreed about the first choices, but be ok if things change.

      i did not hire a doula and regret it because my husband wasn’t the advocate he maybe could have been for me — a doula will know exactly what’s what and be unemotional enough to make decisions for you and the babe. that said – don’t get one who is militant in her views, you have to roll with the punches with babies. you’re not “being weak” if you take the epidural or give the baby a bit of formula. if you’re worried about nipple confusion, but your milk isn’t coming in or BF is hard, feed the baby formula from a dropper or dribble it on your b00b. (side note, sorry.)

      • Anonymous

        Doulas can’t make decisions for you or your child. What they can do is to be aware of everything that is going on and prompt you when you might need to speak up.

    • JTM

      I had a doula even though I knew I was open to a medicated birth. As a Black woman, the stats are better for those who have support including a doula. I was very worried about not making it through my birth or the immediate postpartum period.

      • Anon

        As an actuary, I have been horrified to see how the stats have moved in such an unfavorable direction for black women. I’m glad you were prepared!

    • Anon

      I had a doula with my first baby and not woh my second. I thought the doula was incredibly helpful in identifying positions for me to be in to ease discomfort and help me get some rest. Doulas are also really helpful in the weeks prior to the birth to answer questions (like am I in labor now or is this false contractions, do you think it’s time to go to the hospital, etc.). If you end up being induced, doulas can be very useful to talk through options. Basically if you can afford it I think it is a really worthwhile investment whether you plan to go unmedicated or not, especially for a first birth.

    • Anon

      I was going to say that you don’t need one, until you said that your husband gets overwhelmed in tense, fast moving situations. If you are not planning for a natural birth, I think the biggest benefit to a doula is having a calm person who can ask the questions you need answered. If your husband can do that, save your money. (We did, because mine is calm and collected in hard situations.). But if you think he might get overwhelmed, hire one.

    • Anon NYC

      I don’t plan to have kids but if I did, give me all the midwives, doulas, night nurses, epidural, etc. I’d want all the help I can afford!! I don’t see why there should be any shame in making the process as easy as possible.

    • Dawn

      I had one for my first birth and it was great. I had a very long labor, was happy to labor unmedicated until it became really obvious I wasn’t going to progress without pitocin / epidural. She was super cool with all my preferences. My husband was a bit overwhelmed and it really helped to have another person on my team. Also wish I had one with my third, as the (highly ranked) hospital was super understaffed.

    • Seventh Sister

      With my first, I had a post-partum doula that came for several hours every day after we got home from the hospital. It’s not something that is talked about a lot, but I really liked it.

      My spouse isn’t great at emergency situations, but he was completely fine being in the hospital and doing stuff like diapers because I had a c-section and couldn’t get out of bed.

    • RiskedCredit

      A doula is helpful if your partner can’t be with you or you have realized they are hopeless and not going to advocate for you.

      Sure there are men out there who step up and are good husbands and fathers. I didn’t pick that and my first delivery was awful mainly because he didn’t do as I asked and get the nurse. I knew going into my 2nd and 3rd deliveries I was on my own so did scheduled c sections. It was very scary for me to be in so much pain I had zero control over my body and was not able to advocate for myself. This is why I say a doula is good to have in this situation. My mother is very crunchy and thinks anything other than a drug free birth is bad. My sister had no clue and would have panicked. Either or them would have been better than the father of the children but neither were able to attend anyway.

      • Anon.

        My husband is a wonderful husband and father but does not have an advocate personality. Got it got it?

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a good “person”? My husband is a lot of wonderful things but is not a forceful medical advocate and mid birth I kind of wanted to smack him (but didn’t!). My mom is….a forceful advocate but i would have rather swallowed knives than have her near me birthing. I didn’t hire a doula but if I could do it all over in a perfect world I would have.

      By my subsequent kids, I knew what I was doing and was good to go.

  10. NYNY

    Ugh, I barely slept last night. Going into mediation today for my FIL’s messy estate case. I really want this to be over, but have no idea how it will go today. Please send vibes.

      • Anon

        Yes.

        And what is there to even mediate over. Does the will or intestate law not just handle things?

        • Anon

          Oh dear. Estate cases are horribly emotionally draining, even if the law or the will are clear.

          • anon

            My FIL’s borderline insolvent estate, with a surviving spouse, a will, two adult children and a really good family law attorney, was a complete disaster. People still don’t speak to one another. Things that were discovered post-death about the state of affairs was unreal.

            IYKYK, I suppose. Be lucky that you don’t? Good luck, OP. We’re out the other side and have been for a few years. This too shall pass.

    • Anon

      So sorry. This stuff is so hard, on top of already dealing with grief. Hugs to you. Let us know how it goes!

  11. Anon

    Does anyone have a Flickr or other tabletop indoor/outdoor fire thing?

    Think it could be fun on my balcony in the summer and add ambiance into my cr@ppy apartment in the winter. I’ve (somehow, luckily) mostly lived places with fireplaces and I miss it!

    • test run

      I do! Sometimes when we have people over for dinner I’ll set it on the table and we’ll do s’mores for dessert, which is fun. I don’t know that it really replaces a fireplace, honestly, but it definitely adds cozy ambiance and I think would be nice for a balcony. They’re kind of expensive, though? I’d see if you can get on sale.

      • Anon

        Looks like they’re going on sale with the NAS which is why it’s on my mind now!

        A few apartments ago I started a Friday night ritual of putting in a fire, putting on an album, and making a fun cocktail as a little break between work and my plans for the night – I’d love to bring that back as best as I can.

  12. Anon

    Can someone comment on the comfort of Vejas? I love the look, but the reason I’m in the market is that my existing pair of cute white sneakers (Adidas Grand Courts) are uncomfortable and still (after a year of regular wear) give me blisters or rub my heel raw every time I wear them! It’s so bad that the inside of my sneakers are actually bloodstained.
    Dropping $150 for a pair of sneakers is an investment for me, so I want to check before I buy.

    Obviously I’ll try them on before buying, and obviously everyone’s foot and experience is different, but looking for others’ experiences – trying on in store isn’t enough for me to see if I’ll have this problem again!

    • Anon

      I love the look of Adidas but I find them worse quality and less comfortable than other brands. I recommended Cole Haan in the other sneaker thread today (and I have sensitive feet).

    • JHC

      I had a pair of Vejas and wore them only a handful of times. They were so cute but also really uncomfortable for me. I think it had to do with the tongue.

    • Anonymous

      The most comfortable sneakers I’ve worn are Naturalizer Morrison. I’ve run through several pairs in white. The brand isn’t going to win you trend points, but if that doesn’t concern you, then the comfort was amazing. (And I usually have problems with both heel pain and with shoes rubbing the back of my heels raw.)

      • Anon

        Unfortunately being trendy is just as, if not more, important than comfort for me!

    • Anonymous

      I had the Veja Esplar and they were not comfortable. Adding Superfeet helped, but the stiff tongue still cut into my ankle. The Campo looks somewhat more comfortable. I switched to P448s, which are so cushy and comfy.

      The Esplar only looks good with pants because it is so flat and wide.

    • Cat

      I like Vejas but they tend to be heavier and stiffer than other brands of cute sneakers. Of all things, JCrew’s street sneakers fit my feet perfectly and the back is softer than most.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I have two pairs of the Campo. The white pair was initially a little uncomfortable with the tongue hitting weird, but I stuffed them with paper for a week to stretch them out and then it was fine. The black pair was comfortable right out of the box. Don’t ask me why they were different. I have narrow heels, fwiw. But really it’s so person dependent I don’t think there’s a way around trying them on.

  13. Sarah

    There was a post a few days ago from someone who is 40 and single looking for hobbies (I don’t remember it exactly). I’m 30 and single but I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends have gotten into a time consuming hobby of some type lately, single or partnered. Honestly I think the difference isn’t single or not, its that compared to my mom’s generation for example we don’t have kids. And people generally have reasonable-ish work schedules, have excess cash, not too many family responsibilities right now – so I guess time for a hobby?

    What are your time consuming hobbies? In my circle its been either running or niche sports, including doing competitions and everything. I’m thinking of getting more into swimming which I liked a lot as a kid. Any non-sports time consuming hobbies?

    • Anon

      Yup. I’m 30, in a LDR, and make 6 figures working 40 hours a week in a M turning HCOL. I LOVE hobbies.

      My time consuming ones are athletic: trail running, club sports, and triathlons.

      My less time consuming hobbies, that you could easily make time consuming, are sewing and painting. If I was a homeowner I’d be way too into home improvement or gardening, but I’m a mere apartment dweller.

      Some ideas from either friends or things I’d like to try include: language classes, taking classes on a topic that interests you, woodworking or metal working, beer brewing or wine making, other types of art (I’d love to try pottery), skiing, dance or singing groups,up cycling.

      • Anon

        Our local college offers a ‘travel’ course that sounds super fun. It’s 6-8 weeks where you meet once a week (~2hrs I think?) to learn about a region, do a deep dive into the history/culture/art, report on a specific topic, and then travel there as a group at the end. I’d 100% do that if I had the time!

    • Anon

      Gardening, raising chickens/goats, photography, pottery (on a wheel/kiln fired), and learning an instrument are the big non-sport hobbies I’ve had friends get into. But most of my friends are parents and default to exercise/team sports for their ‘hobbies’ especially with limited free time.

    • Anon

      Similar demographic, IME the women get into extreme sports or crafting and the men get into cooking, some sort of drink (coffee or cocktails or beer or whiskey) and fixing things.

      We’re all late 20s – early 30s DINKs or SINKs who make good money but work a fair amount.

    • Anon

      If I was trying to make a hobby more time intensive I would either take a class or join a club or team for that hobby. Having a set time and group to do the hobby with helps make it feel more legit than something I just dabble with on my own.

      My hobbies are mainly sporty, but I’ve taken a few art classes, joined a volunteer group with set times, and joined a book club.

      If you want to do something less social, what about season tickets or partial season tickets to something (sports team, theater, lecture series)?

    • Anonymous

      My two big hobbies are running and sewing. I committed a full 20 hours to sewing last week to construct a linen dress, I probably only ran for about 5 hours though since I’m not actively training ATM.

    • anon

      I’ve had several friends with dogs get into training exercises with their dogs.
      Not exactly a hobby, but I have other friends who have gotten more involved in their communities – either local government (not running for office, but participation in council meetings and serving on volunteer boards) or religious communities (running events, serving on boards).

    • DC Inhouse Counsel

      My hobby is music. I go to A LOT of concerts, on average one per week, and am currently learning how to play an instrument. I’ll also sometimes read non-fiction/memoirs about people in the music genre I like.

      • Anonymous

        Music is also my hobby. I take voice lessons and sing in three volunteer choirs including our city’s symphony chorus. I also attend a lot of concerts and do on-line ear training exercises when I remember to.

    • Anon

      Mine is yoga. I am currently in teacher training, although I don’t know if I will ever actually teach. It is very time-consuming! My husband loves to grow things and takes pride in taking care of our yard rather than hiring someone to do it.

      • yoga studio

        I went to yoga teacher training saying I wasn’t going to teach, and fell in love with teaching by the end. and now I own a small yoga studio. :)

      • Anon

        I fantasize about doing yoga teacher training and then bringing classes into adult living facilities for the mentally ill and intellectually disabled. During COVID, one of the public defenders in our state started a yoga class once a week on zoom for PDs all over the state and it was so inspiring.

    • Flats Only

      Golf! If you’re lucky enough to have a good public course system in your area, it’s usually not expensive to take some group lessons and get a taste of it. Even if you turn out to be Tiger Woods you’ll still always be learning something. It’s pretty social, and is decent exercise if you walk the course, and a genuine work out if you carry your bag. And it can eat up entire days – 9:00 AM tee time, break after 9 holes for lunch, you’ll finish the back 9 around 3:00 PM, then time for early drinks and dinner.

    • anonshmanon

      I got into pottery 3 years ago. I don’t go super hard, which means I don’t have a home studio with my own kiln. But I am fairly invested, and usually taking 2 classes per year, which are about 2months long. During those periods, I try to spend a lot of extra time in the studio to get more stuff done. Then it’s nice to have a few months’ break and come up with new ideas. The rhythm works for me.

    • Anon

      Mine is bridge, and my partner’s is gardening. They both take up as much time as we’ll give them!

      • Anon

        I also do a lot of creative writing. I have an agent and am trying to sell a novel right now, so I guess I consider it to go beyond “hobby” status, though that’s probably the right word for it since I’m not making money!

    • Anonymous

      Horses. I also garden and do yoga and photography, but horses are by far the most time intensive (and money, though photography and gardening isn’t cheap either. Good dirt is surprisingly expensive.) I don’t have kids. I don’t think I could keep this up if I had kids. Quite frankly I have no idea how people with a full time job and kids manage anything other than work and keeping kids alive.

      • Anon

        Sadly, we don’t… (at least with little kids, maybe it changes as they get older)
        (Unless [IMO] you have excess money and outsource most of your childcare/child upbringing…)

      • Anon

        My parents definitely scaled back their social lives and hobbies, but they kept them with young kids and two FT jobs.

        They each took one weeknight a week for a hobby, the other nights were family dinner. Friday was family game or movie night, Saturday they went out on a date or did something with friends, Sunday was either family time or something combined with our whole family and either cousins or family friends and their kids.

    • Anon

      I have newly-grown kids. My empty nest hobbies are chickens, bees (at which I am terrible) and trying to grow vegetables, and I have taken up trail running again because nothing made me feel more powerful than running trails.
      My husband, who has no idea how much money we make or have or spend, mentioned the expense of my hobbies exactly one time. I pointed out that the alternative is not to have hobbies and for me to look to him for my entertainment or, worse, not do anything. That was the end of that, as they say. We’ve also gotten very involved in our new church and community. If you post something in our local free newspaper about your event, I’ll go, so I guess “showing up” is another hobby. It is our season of saying yes to things. I miss the busi-ness of the kid years so much sometimes that it hurts, but my hobbies and my new friends that I’ve made through them help a lot.

    • anon

      Volunteering will embrace as many hours as you are willing to give.

      I have always volunteered for organizations with health care related missions in the past (Obamacare education, Hopsice groups etc..), and am next going to see what I can do for Planned Parenthood, if they’ll have me.

    • Peloton

      If you want time consuming, I know a woman who took up painting. Did two classes a week and probably 20 hours of painting. She’s really very good now.

    • Anonymous

      I was in a community choir for 7 years that had a fairly busy rehearsal and performance schedule. It dissolved after the pandemic, sadly, but it was a great hobby for my early 30s before I had kids.

    • Anonymous

      I have a bunch of kids, but they are in elem now. My time consuming hobby is skiing. I use a good chunk of my pro on midweek ski trips, or long weekends with my ski club. I also am not above pulling one of my kids out of school on a Friday or Monday to ski a long weekend with me.

      My husband has project cars and related YouTube channel.

  14. Anon

    I wanted to share this article here as I thought readers may be interested: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160412024004355

    It is a scientific study about the levels of different metals in tampons. Bottom line: whether organic, non-organic, store or name brand, purchased in the US or EU or UK, all contained metals including lead! Manufacturing of these, and other products, needs more regulations to help decrease people’s exposure levels!

      • Anonymoose

        Many cotton fabrics and threads include some metal fibers for durability and shape. That’s one of the reasons you have to use a hospital gown in an MRI no matter how small of an area of your body they are scanning.

        • Anon

          Many cotton fabrics and threads include some metal fibers for durability and shape. That’s one of the reasons you have to use a hospital gown in an MRI no matter how small of an area of your body they are scanning.

          • Anon

            My hospital said they’ve had issues with silver “antimicrobial” athleisure and require hospital gowns now

    • Anon

      Here is where I’ll plug using a menstrual cup – I’ve used a Diva Cup for 15+ years. It’s awesome.

      • Anon

        +1. I’ve used once since 2009 and have no regrets. It’s so much better for active lifestyles in particular.

    • Anon

      I just want to tear down any stigma about using pads. I’ve been using them for a decade and no one is dirty or nasty for using them! :)

      • Anon

        More regulation and more research. Part of the problem is how understudied this all is.

  15. Anonymous

    Need a new iPhone and can’t wait until the new ones drop in September (it malfunctions routinely). I’m leaning towards taking the jump to the Max size for the better camera but am worried it will be too big. I’ve confirmed the larger size will fit in my smallest purse and running pouch. Anything else I’m not considering? I’m not petite but still worried it will feel too big in my hands.

    • Anon

      I’m petite and used to have the SE versions. I also have very bad eyesight and like having my text larger. I upgraded to the max size and I haven’t looked back. It felt a little large at first, but now I love the big screen size when it comes to enlarged text. YMMV if you don’t care about that.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I use a SE because the standard size is too big for my hands. I think a max could be hard to handle!

    • Anon

      I have a 14 Plus, not sure how that compares in size to the Max but I really like it, I have small hands and I don’t find it hard to hold. I read on my phone a lot so I like the bigger screen.

    • Anon

      I like my max because of the camera and because it’s easier for me to see the screen. I do almost everything on my iPhone so those differences really add up for me.

      I have never had any issues holding it. Which I am doing right now.

  16. Sunshine

    Are you switching from no-show socks to crew socks? If so, is it just with pants/leggings or also shorts and skirts?

    I’m fashion challenged and am generally okay with that. But when updates are easy and obvious to stay more current, I’m happy to make them.

      • Anon

        +1, I think it looks ridiculous too, it’s what my 75 year old dad wears with his white new balance sneakers (which are in fashion again?). I favor the balegas ‘no show tab’ socks, which come up high enough not to bunch but are still pretty low profile overall.

        • Anonymous

          Exactly. On people under 35 crew socks are ironically ugly. On people over 35 they’re just frumpy.

        • Anon

          Funny. My college aged kids are sporting the look and then my husband wore it and we both laughed that he looked ready for Senior Living.
          Same with late 50s me and the big bulbous white sneakers that were all the rage on the kids last summer.

    • Anon

      I don’t mind the look of crew socks with leggings but I’m keeping my ankle socks, thank you.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t start wearing crew socks unless you’re actually Gen Z or younger.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely not. Crew socks on me would read as “clueless middle-aged lady who doesn’t understand how she looks.”

    • LadyB

      I’m still firmly no-show in my casual wear. But for athletic activities, I’ve switched over the crew socks.

    • anon

      Nope. I’m a Xennial and love my no-show socks. Crew socks would look tragic on me, not trendy. DNGAF what GenZ is doing, fashion-wise.

      • Me

        I am too. The reasons not to switch remind me of where people were on skinny jeans fading out at first – everyone was skinny jeans or die because they loved their skinny jeans and thought the wide leg jeans are frumpy. Until they switched. Replace skinny jeans with no show socks, and here we are.
        As socks are an inexpensive update and socks have to be replaced anyway every now and then, I’ll switch for casual clothing. I’ll probably keep wearing low athletic socks for now because I like the socks I work out in.

      • pink nails

        Me too! I hate ankle socks and will happily watch them die with skinny jeans. I’m 36. Crew socks are just more comfortable and I will be with the gen z kids 100% if this is what they want to bring back.

        Now, I’ll admit that I won’t wear them with skirts/dresses since that’s just a hard look for me to pull off anyway – I don’t wear any shoes that need socks with skirts and dresses. Except Bombas has an ad for their new frilly rib quarter socks where they styled them in dress shoes and I’m a little obsessed with that look, albeit have no occasion to try it out.

    • anon

      I never stopped wearing crew socks! I wear them with sneakers, which I mostly wear to exercise.

  17. Chocolate

    Will I be able to get giant wrapped chocolate bars through airport security in Las Vegas for a domestic flight? I am hesitant to put in checked luggage because I am afraid they will melt. Or do you think this is ok? I let my kids go crazy at the Hershey store and now trying to figure out how to pack them to bring home…

    • Anecdata

      Yes of course – as long as they’re not filled with liquid (like cherry cordial) or something

    • OP

      Thank you! I don’t travel much and wasn’t sure if they let food through – I thought you had to buy stuff once you pass through security.

      • Cat

        Food is 100% fine. I’ve brought an entire Chopt salad through. It’s liquids that are the only problem.

      • Z

        I brought a taco bell breakfast burrito with me through TSA last week. Food is totally fine.

      • Anon

        Food is fine as long as it’s solid. You just can’t bring liquids if they’re over a certain size (with limited exceptions like baby food and breastmilk).

      • Anon

        Food is fine as long as it’s not a liquid or a gel, which apparently rules out yogurt, hummus, peanut butter and a number of other things I’d like to pack, though they’ve never had a problem with hummus or peanut butter once it’s in a sandwich.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, but I have had TSA open my luggage and inspect dense foodstuffs before.

        • Anonymous

          For me it was a summer sausage, which I had purchased at an airport kiosk within view of the TSA checkpoint.

      • Anon

        +1 but it’s still fine. My local airport TSA just tells everyone to send their food through separately the first time.

    • anonshmanon

      The scanner might flag it (large dense object with square shape), and the TSA person would then search your bag and discover that it’s just chocolate. That happened to me, but it was no problem at all.

    • Anon88

      I just brought a key lime pie through security with no issue, and that’s a lot closer to liquid!

  18. Anon

    Has anyone seen the protests against tourism in Barcelona? I see Barcelona recommended a lot here so I wanted to know what you all think.

    • anonshmanon

      There are also big protests around Spain, including Mallorca. And wasn’t there a campaign against mass tourism in Hawaii last year?
      I am not so surprised, and whenever people here discuss airbnb, the cost to local housing markets is pointed out. I believe Barcelona was even one of the first places to ban Airbnb?
      Overconsumption is a problem, including tourism.

    • JTM

      I was just in Barcelona a few days ago and the protest had zero impact on any of our plans.

    • Anon

      I think this is the sentiment in most places that get large numbers of tourists. It certainly is where I live. So many more people are able to travel than during other times in human history. On the one hand it’s great. On the other it absolutely has some negative impacts.

    • Anon

      I think there is going to be increased pressure against tourism in many developed cities. Things like airbnb make local housing completely unaffordable and, unless the local economy is largely tourism based, it doesn’t help the local population at all.

      Some places, like national parks and Machu Picchu, have responded by creating tourism limits. But I don’t know how a city does a similar thing to limit tourism so the city stay livable for the local population (and still remains a nice place to visit instead of completely overcrowded).

    • Flats Only

      I hate those AirBnB ads that say “why stay in a hotel in the touristy part of Paris, when you can stay in the Paris-y part of Paris…”. Well, where are the hotel workers supposed to live then? Tourists are a lot less obnoxious when they essentially stay in their lane. Unfortunately AirBnB and a decade of travel media and influencers have convinced Americans in particular that they need to “avoid the tourist traps” to have a good experience, so they wind up spreading out all over, ruining the housing situation, and annoying the locals.

      • Anon

        As someone who is actually from Paris this drives me nuts. Your right to “live like a local” is coming at the expense of actual locals living there. Please stay in a hotel which has a much more positive effect on the economy. The city is in the midst of a serious housing crisis, as are many large touristy cities, and airbnb makes it a lot worse.

    • Anon

      No but all my Brit friends seem to be in Barcelona right now! Doesn’t seem to be affecting them.

      • Anonymous

        No, your friends are the ones affecting to the locals, that the subject here. Probably staying in the neighborhoods where they used to live and which are now full of illegal apartments for tourists. I was watching the news this week and the neighbors are just fed up. They can’t walk in their neighborhoods, they can’t use their buses, local businesses disappearing.
        Well, in a couple of years Airbnb will be completely banned there as the mayor just promised.

          • Anonymous

            Brits and good behaviour on holidays abroad? Not sure if I can use both on the same sentence.

  19. Sleeping in silence

    I have an upcoming travel situation where I can’t control my sleep environment. At home, I sleep well because I have a considerate partner and live in a quiet neighborhood. Previously, my earplugs have not cut it…they don’t block enough noise even when inserted properly and they fall out easily because I roll over at night. I need your recommendations for other options…. Are there sleep earmuffs? In a pinch, I used over the head headphones a few times but they do no work for side sleepers. I need to be well rested for health reasons and can’t risk not being on my game during this trip. Sadly, a white noise machine isn’t an option for this trip.

    • Anon

      Try different ear plugs? I sleep with the orange foam ones and they never fall out of my ears overnight. I’ve never tried the Loop ones but they’re popular.

      • Lydia

        I have tried the Loop and found them much worse than other cheaper options. I’d recommend trying a few kinds of OTC ones — I like the purple and the beige foam ones; the pink ones fall out (orange work but make my ears itch).

        • Anonymous

          OTOH I can’t stand any of the drugstore one size fits all earplugs and prefer Loop because of the eartip size options.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I use the wax ones; I’ve never had much luck with any of the foam ones. Only downside is if you have long hair, they can stick to it.

        • Anon

          I came to recommend the wax ones, specifically the white ones made for blocking water when you are swimming.

      • Anon

        I really love my eargasm earplugs. I wear them for my husband’s bar band gigs, which can get loud enough for my Apple Watch to alert me about decibel levels, as well as at a recent NHL game (watch alerted constantly.)

    • Anonymous

      I am a side sleeper. I wear over-the-ear noise cancelling headphones. I put a travel neck pillow down on top of the pillow and sleep on top of it with the headphone cup in the hole.

    • Anon

      Can you not download a white noise app onto your phone and play that at night? I do that when I travel plus a low dose melatonin and it generally works well.

    • Anon

      Are you staying in a hotel, or with relatives? I find most hotel rooms pretty quiet.

    • anon a mouse

      Have you tried the Airpods with noise cancellation? I’ve slept in mine from time to time and they are not unnoticeable, but not as uncomfortable as regular headphones.

      One of the small battery-powered white noise machines (like for babies) might also work – you could put it under your pillow. (I know you said it isn’t an option, but unclear if that was just for space reasons.)

        • Anon

          I’m also a light sleeper and when I’m in crappy situations like this, I just don’t sleep well. If you’re eschewing ear plugs and white noise machines and staying somewhere else, then you just have to suck it up and deal with it!

      • Anon

        Hahaha, says another light sleeper. Earplugs aren’t enough, but I do think they help and I sleep with them most nights, though they sometimes fall out or make my ears itchy. I’m a side sleeper, so anything that goes over my ears is way too annoying. When I stay in a hotel, I always make sure to turn the fan on the AC on for white noise.

    • Anonymous

      Try some cheap hearing aids without a battery in them. They can be fitted to individual ear shapes and without batteries no sound!

    • Annie Q

      I am a side sleeper. I use SleepPhones when I travel. It’s a headband with tiny flat speakers that I do not feel at all. It connects via Bluetooth to my phone so I can play music or white noise. Search “SleepPhones/pajamas for your ears.”

    • NaoNao

      I am a side sleeper and sleep on my Bose noise cancelling headphones (over-ear) it does take some adjusting, you have to make sure the padded part is on the “ridge” of the ear and lobe or over it/outside it completely (meaning not halfway into the inner curves of the ear creating pressure) but the hollow part of the earphone is almost a perfect size to cup the ear comfortably.

  20. Anonymous

    What kinds of things “count” as strength training beyond doing a YouTube or app-based program? I am between programs right now and haven’t done strength training in like 4 months… I think I’m in a “the perfect is the enemy of the good” situation right now because i just need to do SOMETHING. just squats? (hate pushups). does pilates or those dumb bands acdtually count? what about weighted vests for walking?

  21. Hollis

    We talk here often about the difficulty of making friends as adults, but I’ve run into situations where I’m left questioning whether I should continue a friendship. Case in point – I got to know another mom in my area who has kids around the same age as me. Had a few coffees with her and just got along so well – she is a former attorney now SAHM because her husband makes plenty of money as a specialized physician and head of a clinic – but we grew up in the same city and have a similar sense of humor. HOWEVER, the last time I met with her, we ended up talking about her daughter (who is the oldest of her and my kids) and how her daughter wanted to go into medicine but both she and her husband didn’t think it was a good profession for a woman, in part because it would likely make her the breadwinner in a relationship and she absolutely wants her daughter to marry someone who could “take care of her.” So, they encouraged her daughter to go to a nursing school at a prestigious university instead. JUST WOW. I am a lawyer at a small firm and all of my law school friends work full time and about half are breadwinners; many of us have female siblings who are doctors and breadwinners. I would be thrilled if one of my daughters had the desire and work ethic to go to medical school. The conversation made me wonder whether if our values are just too different for me to be friends with her. But the thing is, I like her otherwise and I think it’s weird for me to be judging her for having views that are different from my own. Obviously, her decision to leave a legal career and stay at home should have signaled that her views are going to be different from mine. Do you expect your friends to share your views on things like feminism, the value of a career, and what things you wish for your kids, or is that asking too much from friends?

    • anon

      The mentality of telling your teenage daughter to find someone to just “take of her” is appalling. I don’t think I could be close friends with someone who has that mentality.

      • Sarah

        Yeah I don’t understand. This woman was an attorney too. DId she do all that just to find this physician husband?

        • Anon NYC

          Sounds like she didn’t get her MRS degree in college and needed to keep going! I would be civil to this woman but absolutely not friends with her. I feel sorry for her daughter. I would want to tell young women to never rely on a man financially so you can leave anytime you want.

    • Anon

      That’s a tough one; I would feel the same things you’re feeling.
      I think as long as she isn’t aggressively pushing these ideas on you/your kids, and it doesn’t otherwise have a concrete impact your friendship, it’s not a deal-breaker.

    • Anon

      Hmm this is hard. I would never encourage a daughter to aim for anything less than her dreams career wise or encourage her to not be a breadwinner. However, I also recognize that we all have histories that lead to biases on our opinions – maybe she or someone close to her was in a situation in which the mom was the breadwinner, had to step back for one reason or another, and it caused major issues for the family?

      This is a long shot, but I worked with a woman who had a baby who had to be EBF due to a serious medical condition. She had to leave the workforce because she needed to be around to EBF for longer than her maternity leave.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on how close the friendship is. If I expected my friends’ values to align perfectly with my own I’d have no friends, as I am an old-school liberal living in a small purple bubble in a county that’s otherwise bright red. As long as she’s not openly criticizing your parenting choices or trying to influence your daughter, I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue the friendship if you enjoy spending time with her. Some of my most interesting coversations are with people of good will who don’t agree with me on every issue. The key there is that they are people of good will.

      • anon

        +1

        I think the OP’s friend has pretty messed up values (I don’t think the goal in raising a daughter should be to have her find a rich husband) and strategy (assuming goal is for daughter to have a rich husband, there are doctors with very rich husbands in my community whose incomes dwarf a doctor’s pay).

        However, it’s hard to find friends. As long as she was otherwise a good friend and not teaching her values to my kids, I wouldn’t write her off for this one glaring lapse of judgment.

      • Anon

        This is a good lens. I tend to have a “big tent,” so to speak – DH and I are just as likely to be social friends with the 25 year old plumber we’ve had to call to our house 99 times as the retired doctor next door. We’re not perfect, they’re not perfect, nobody’s perfect, but everyone shares an element of goodwill.

        Also, I wonder if the friend has been shaped by some trauma she witnessed in childhood? I’ve known some women who are squirrely about finances because someone they were close to was in a situation where they didn’t have enough money / didn’t have control of their own money in abuse situations.

    • Anon

      I mean, if her daughter gets pushed around so easily as a teen, she may well need someone to take care of her. Kidding. Kiddo will figure it out. I can’t imagine that her family defines her universe. And at a top university, it won’t be the 1950s there. She likely has friends with divorced parents. If not now, definitely in college when so many parents seem to split up. If kiddo has zero agency in her own life, she may get it in college or after. Cute that people think they can dictate the outcome in their kids’ lives.

      • Senior Attorney

        Right? I would laugh and say that very thing to her face (“so adorable that you think you can dictate how your daughter’s life comes out!”) and if she still wante to be friends with me after that, it’d be fine.

        • Anon

          I don’t know what this woman has done that would justify such a rude response.

          • Senior Attorney

            I would say it lightly and ruefully and hopefully it wouldn’t come across as rudely in person as it has in writing.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it’s rude. I think it’s funny if you say it lightheartedly.

          • Anonymous

            It’s funny. My friends and I say basically this to one another all the time. Also things like “will you please take my kid on the college visit because she will reject it automatically if she sees that mom and dad think it’s a good fit.”

      • Anon

        Related to it not being the 1950s… what makes this former lawyer, now SAHM, think that the male medical students of the 2020s want to marry nurses? At least from what I’ve seen, many of them marry fellow medical students.

        • anon

          Sadly, this is not the case. Some do, but it is very popular at my medical school for the nursing students/dental students/nearby women’s college students to come and eat at the hospitals/med school dormitories purposefully trying to meet the male future doctors. And many of the male future doctors prefer this, and want a stay at home wife to support their own future families/careers.

          But re: the OP here…. all I have to say is look at the divorce rates… especially among male doctors in high paying specialties who run their own clinics. Hope the OPs friend is keeping up her skills in case she needs to be working again in the future.

          Sadly, as a doctor I would push my own daughter to an alternative career, as the sacrifice in time and money to train in medicine (college + medical school debt burden), and the incredible stresses as our current medical system is slowly imploding makes being a doctor increasingly unappealing.

        • Anon

          Yeah I have 4 female doctor friends, two of whom are married to make doctors.

          My one male doctor friend is married to a COO.

    • Sleeping in silence

      Oof, that’s hard. I am a staunch feminist and would have no trouble being friends with SAHMs (and multiple of my friends are SAHMs or in more traditional gender dynamic families due to preferences or financial realities). The problem I would have with this friend would not be the lack of support for feminist as a concept but that her and husband are squashing their child’s dreams and potential due to her gender (and maybe even negatively affecting her sense of work ethic). She can still go to medical school and marry someone who will take care of her – it just may look different than earning gobs more money than her, or choose to become a SAHM who had a previous career in medicine. They are also making her future more precarious – what if she marries a man who could take care of her but the marriage ends in divorce or he dies? That is a shortsighted approach to parenting I can’t get on board with, and I wouldn’t want my child influenced by a mindset like that. If you enjoy her company to meet for coffee occasionally, I’d be fine continuing the friendship but if it were to veer into her telling me how I should parents or her being around my child enough to influence them, that would give me serious pause.

      • Anonymous

        I just hope she doesn’t go to medical school with the intention of becoming a SAHM. Those spots are precious and I really hate to see them squandered. I feel the same for law school, but less so.

    • Anon

      I do not expect my friends to share my views and yours is raising an interesting perspective. It’s not one I agree with but there is something there to debate and discuss. It’s not easy balancing kids and a career even in 2024. As long as my friend is open to real discussion and we can talk honestly, I think there’s a lot of value in a friendship where you’re not just preaching to the choir. Life isn’t as neat and orderly as political parties and theories would have you believe.

    • Anon

      No, I don’t expect my friends to share all of my values. If I did I wouldn’t have any friends.

      Everybody wants friends but nobody wants to ever put up with any of the discomfort of having relationships with actual people.

    • anon

      I’d give it a bit more time if she hasn’t otherwise said a lot of stuff that gives you pause. My guess (based on having a kid old enough to think about university) is that she worked as an attorney while her husband was getting established with kids and had A LOT on her shoulders until he was about 10 years into his career. Then hit burn out and became a SAHM, so have the option of an exit strategy is important to her. I have friends like this, and that sentiment often gets expressed in not so great ways depending on their sense of humor. So, I’d give her grace but be on the look out. (Plus, I can imagine doctor / lawyer pair making up a cover story if their kid doesn’t have what it takes to go to med school, but not into a prestigious school on legacy)

    • Anon

      I don’t like the “take care of her” phrasing, but I do think there’s something to be said for factoring family into career plans and not automatically going for the most ambitious career possible. I wish I’d thought more about it before going to law school because being a lawyer (especially in a law firm) was not really compatible with the kind of parent I wanted to be, and it’s not always simple to get an in-house or government job that gives you a better lifestyle. It worked out ok for me (I got a big scholarship and had minimal debt, so a few years in Big Law set me up well financially to move into a lower paying career) but if I’d been trying to pay off $200k+ in law school debt it might have been really tough.

      The reality is that two big jobs and kids (especially kids plural) is TOUGH. People talk about it on the moms board pretty much every week. And most men (especially the men she’d be meeting in medical school) aren’t interested in the SAHD thing. So I think there is something to be said for not going into a very demanding profession if you want kids.

    • Anon

      I don’t expect my friends to share my values; I do expect them to understand the other side (even if I agree with them!).

      If this woman has a law degree but cannot understand the risks of telling an ambitious young woman to aim low and have a man support her, she just isn’t the type of person I would want to be friends with anyway. Especially a lawyer!! She should know that courts can’t divide up what isn’t there, and should have read at least a family law case of two involving a young nurse who put every cent of her salary towards putting her husband through medical school and residency, and then got ditched for a younger model right when he got a high paying job.

      • Seventh Sister

        People were awfully snobby about family law in general and even taking the family law class at my law school when I went in the late 90s (T20 in a big city). Practically the only people I knew who took it were friends who wanted to go into pro bono and/or public defender-type jobs. While my classmates eagerly took real estate and tax on the grounds that both would be useful someday, family law was seen as something for do-gooders. There are probably plenty of women (even lawyers) out there who think they will get full custody, the house, and half their spouse’s income for life in the event of a divorce. It just doesn’t work that way.

        • Anon

          I went to a T20 school with no intention of touching family law as a practitioner (and I haven’t), but I took it because it fit into my schedule and I wanted a break from tax, corporate, and IP law.

          Regardless, I think you’re missing the point. Whether or not plenty of “people” think that the wife automatically gets everything in the event of a divorce, a lawyer ought to know better. Or at least ought to have the education to ask enough questions and learn the answer for herself, because law school should teach you that things aren’t as simple as “wife always gets the house and the kids.”

    • Anonymous

      I’ve dropped a lot of friends for reasons like this. I suspect it’s unpopular and I’m in the wrong, but honestly I have so little free time I want to enjoy it and not have to bite my tongue.

    • Anonymous

      Wow! What?

      There are so many cushy doctor jobs depending on specialty. It can be such an intellectually stimulating and rewarding career. You can balance it with family life.

      Also why jump from physician to nursing? What about PA school?

      What if her marriage doesn’t work out? What if there is abuse? What if her husband is not a high earner? Or wants to be a stay at home parent or take a sabbatical?

      This one statement wouldn’t affect my interest in the friendship, but I would cut it off if I felt my kids were getting the idea they can marry their way into a certain way of life.

      • Anon

        Your last paragraph hit me so hard. My mother always thought she could marry or inherit her way to great wealth. Her parents were upper middle class, left her about $700k when they died, but that isn’t going to last for thirty years of profligacy. Her marriage to my father imploded pretty fast and she spent all of her 20s and 30s convinced she was going to land the big fish. Mocked me relentlessly for being a nerdy engineer. Got remarried, his career didn’t take off, got divorced, again went after the big fish, and no one bit.

        Now guess who lends her money and bails her broke butt out?

        Sorry that was a vent. I have sons, not daughters, but I would never encourage anyone to believe that Someone Else is going to finance a big life for them.

    • Anon

      I can answer this from the perspective of what I’ve learned 10 years down the line. I met a few women in a year-long program in 2014 who definitely felt like my peers in terms of education, intelligence, and previous accomplishments. All of them happened to be SAHMs at the time. Since I didn’t have children, we didn’t make much of the working/non-working divide. I remember feeling like they all drove more expensive cars (and had bigger diamond rings) than me, which should have been a clue. My husband at the time had all kinds of artistic ambitions, so I was the primary breadwinner.

      Ten years later, I’m in a C-suite job and happily divorced. One of them is sending newsletters about how amazing her family is doing and how her husband is running for office. Another made a conscious decision to stay in a marriage she wasn’t happy in so she could afford to pursue her vocation professionally — she’s doing amazing at it, but probably couldn’t have accomplished what she has without the financial support. A third one is in the middle of a messy divorce and already has an even bigger diamond from her next husband. I still like and respect all of these women, and am in touch with most of them, but it’s become apparent that we are on completely different trajectories in life, and that the differences between us 10 years ago were not flukes. I find that it’s getting harder and harder to find things to talk about without emphasizing how much our trajectories have diverged. I don’t regret investing in these relationships, but at the same time it is difficult for them to be supportive of the challenges I’ve encountered on my path, even with the best of intentions. YMMV, of course.

    • Seventh Sister

      My kids are teens, and even with fellow parents that have made similar choices with their kids, there are some choices that I have made they’d never make (and vice versa). For instance, I have a friend whose mentality with her teens is basically Ivy-or-bust, and only certain Ivies (e.g., was appalled that my kid seemed interested in Cornell). AND I have a friend that thinks anything other than going to community college for two years then transferring to a four-year state U is a criminal waste of money. I wasn’t sad when my son quit lacrosse, other people want their kids in a sport from 4-18. My mom wants my (fit but not athletic) to enlist in the Army so they’ll pay for college.

      FWIW, there may be things about their kid and her ambition that weren’t mentioned in the conversation. There are a lot of patient care jobs that have better work-life balance than someone who is a specialist physician. Being a nurse practitioner or a nurse anesthetist can be pretty lucrative and if you like patient care, both seem pretty great. It’s a long road.

      • Anon

        Agree with all of this (and my husband went to Cornell so I’m laughing at the snobbery that Cornell isn’t a good enough Ivy!). Having mom friends takes a lot of “good for her, not for me” imo. It starts so early with things like sleep training and breast vs formula feeding and continues all the way through travel sports and college applications.

    • Anon

      I know two different physicians who advised their daughters to become dentists, NPs, or PAs for less debt, better work/life balance, and more flexibility in case of chronic illness or disability (pregnancy is dangerous and working age women fall seriously ill more frequently than men do, and doctors maybe weigh this more heavily just from watching it happen). Bedside nursing is hard to do long term too, but going to a prestigious nursing school can leave doors open (for becoming a NP, a nursing professor, etc.). Obviously there are doctors who are women who have no regrets! But I know there are people that feel maybe they could have been more strategic or wish they’d known how their jobs would change.

      I would also consider whether they have reason to think that their daughter isn’t actually cut out for medical school (not everyone is) but are hesitant to say that and are instead making it a categorical thing about “women” defensively.

    • Anon

      Why are you judging her over this? Maybe she knows full well that mothers who work end up doing their job and most of the household duties and childcare. Maybe she feels like her job resulted in missing out on being with her children when they were toddlers? Maybe she thinks her daughter doesn’t have the temperment to be a doctor? This is so crazy to me because my husband worked from home and was responsible for childcare the most. My son is in a very serious relationship with a woman who wants a Ph.D. and an all encompassing degree. My son wants to have an engineering job and to be a Dad and is perfectly happy to support her dreams. Should I push him to get a Ph.D?

  22. Anonymous

    What brand is the equivalent of Brochu Walker for people who don’t look good in sh1rtdresses? The level of formality and the natural fibers are exactly what I’m looking for, but my style is a bit sleeker and I look terrible with buttons and collars.

  23. Anon

    Can anyone share their thoughts on Cariuma sneakers? I’m planning a trip to southern England in October and I’d love a semi-stylish but comfortable shoe for daily wear and lots of walking. I prefer a wide/deep toe box but otherwise narrow-ish shoe. (I’ll bring other footwear in case of rain/cold.)

    • Anon

      I found their heel too low and they slipped off my feet. Otherwise comfortable and worth a try.

      • Anonymous

        oh was that the problem? i walk out of a lot of shoes because i have narrow ankles and a wide forefoot.

    • editrix

      I prefer an old pair of Veja Campos to my new Cariumas, which are just OK, but (much) better than either for lots of walking is a pair of New Balance 327s.

    • Anon

      OP here. Thanks for the replies! Every review I’ve read of the Cariumas has referenced Pete Davidson and Helen Mirren, so I think they are all secretly ads. Appreciate the real opinions.

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