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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Jolie Jardigan

A woman wearing a black jardigan, black pants, and a blue top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

M.M.LaFleur has been making some of the best jardigans in the business for over a decade, and the Jolie is the newest addition to their collection. I’ve had the cropped Sant Ambroeus jardigan in my closet for several years now and I still wear it at least once a month.

The Jolie is similarly cropped but has chic lapels for a little extra flair. With the cropped length, I would wear it with some high-waisted trousers or an A-line dress. 

The sweater is $255 at M.M.LaFleur and comes in sizes XS-XL.

Sales of note for 12.5

382 Comments

  1. What is your favorite outfit this summer that you wear often and feel cute in? Looking for ideas because everything feels like it’s falling flat this summer.

    1. I thrifted a red midi dress with a ruched bodice and cap sleeves. I wear it with sandals and cute earrings and get compliments every time. It’s as comfortable as PJs and I can wear a regular bra with it.
      The color is the key – it flatters with my skin tone and stands out a little bit from all the neutrals and prints.

      1. Adding that dresses may not be as on trend this summer, but they always suit my figure better than pants or shorts.

      2. A red dress is my favorite summer look. I wish you hadn’t thrifted yours so I could get a link from you as all my red dresses have seen better days.

        2. I found it! The brand is Zesica. It’s still available on zesica.com in limited colors, and also here: https://a.co/d/0g3A3hXA.

          It feels like decent quality; not too sheer. I machine wash and air dry and don’t iron it.

          I’m 5’4 with a big bottom and big boobs for my frame, usually a size 4/6, and the S fit perfectly. It is not high-waisted on me. This neckline isn’t typically flattering but it works somehow. Hope that helps!

          2. Funnily, I bought that dress in orange for halloween last year! I also found it realatively flattering, especially for the price point. It’s an awkward length on my sort of petite frame, between midi and ankle, but I think it would work better with sandals now that it’s warm. I should fish it out.

      3. have you heard the song “beautiful red dress” by laurie anderson? it’s one of my favorites of hers.

    2. Slightly cropped tank and a long tiered skirt. The tank makes it less precious and prairie, and it’s cool and put together.

    4. I’m in a crisp button-back linen blouse with a slightly boxy/cropped feel, and 1960s feeling slightly cropped silk ankle-length pants from Eileen Fisher’s ReNew program (they’re likely from the early 2000s or even late 90s when textured silk evening pants were a thing). While I work from home, I think a linen shell/blouse that’s tailored or crisp-looking + a structured but light (silk, cotton, seersucker) pant cropped to show fun yet professional sandals or summer shoes is a fun look. I have vintage Celine espadrilles on today but slip on flats or mesh flats would work too I think.

      1. You are more pulled together WFH than I am on my downtown office days. I should get it together; you are inspirational.

        1. Don’t be fooled, ha ha! I’ve gotten a case of June Gloom/Summer Blues and am trying to dress more nicely to combat it.

    5. I got a black, sleeveless column dress from Old Navy and I wear it with a wide wrap belt – works great on its own and I can throw an oversized blazer over it if the AC is cold. I picked up some black sandals with chunky gold hardware that I’m getting a lot of wear out of.

    6. Cotton Poplin shirt dresses. They do require some ironing/steaming but they’re cool, breathable and look nice even after schlepping into the office on a NYC subway.

    7. It’s the Short-sleeve tie-waist T-shirt dress from JCF. Currently on sale for $30! When I go into a cooler place, I throw a denim jacket on top of it.

    8. Caslon wide leg linen pants, slightly cropped and close fitting but not snug white top, chunky Paul green sandals.

    9. I have no explanation for this other than that I have lost my mind but I just bought my third and fourth colour of the Gap Crinkle Gauze Mini dress. I have not taken off the first two I bought. It’s shorter than is normal flattering on me, I struggle with button-up tops due to having a very large bust and very small shoulders/back, it’s got puffy, ornate sleeves at the bust line which is normally is too heavy of a look for me. I should hate it on me and yet I adore it. It strikes the perfect balance of put together and not too sweaty/warm for hot weather. I am just going to go with it. The pink is a perfect hue for my skin tone. I get compliments every time I wear the pink or the yellow. I wear it with large buckle Madrid Birks with a gold buckle or higher platform Sorel Ellas.

    11. For a couple of spring/early summer events I wore a linen dress with shoes someone linked here :

      https://www.aerosoles.com/products/cosmos-dusty-blue-suede-crisscross-platform-heeled-sandal

      The pictures turned out well so I think it was a good outfit.

      I’m the person who posted the appreciation of summer dressing post yesterday, so my typical outfit is casual – chino pants, button front shirt. I prefer a woven shirt to a knit one because I don’t like anything clinging to me when it’s warm. I wear that with sneakers or Birkenstock Big Buckle Siena in the same shade of blue as the shoes linked above. That’s my most common outfit on warm days. I like my button front shirts to be a little bit shaped and interesting, so I have one that has tiny bird print, one that’s a windowpane design, striped shirts, and some muted plaids. My favorites have been Foxcroft brand or Lucky Brand.

    13. I splurged and bought the Modern Citizen Fei dress at the beginning of the summer and have been wearing it non-stop. It’s absurdly flattering on me (tall medium-weight pear) and very work-appropriate. Seemed like a lot to spend on what’s basically a T shirt dress, but the cost per wear is going to be really low and I think it will last several years.

      1. I love that! I kind of wish I had seen that earlier in the season. I think it would be a work horse,

    14. Cotton gauze dress, gold espadrilles and maxi pleated breezy skirt with plain tee/tank and gold birks.

  2. One of my friends out of a group of four, is continuing to follow strict Covid precautions (homeschooling one of her children (the older one refused), not going inside restaurants, wanting us to wear masks while using bathroom in her home etc.) She doesn’t have any particular medical vulnerabilities, but fears long Covid and states she’s waiting for a nasal vaccine before resuming “normal” life.

    My question is-how accommodating would you be? My friends and I care for her, but don’t necessarily want to eat outdoors in freezing or 90 degree weather and miss going out in the rare occasions we can do so with busy lives.

    1. Sounds like an anxiety disorder and she needs meds. I would tell her the truth. You don’t want to eat outside in freezing weather, you miss being out together, you are concerned for her mental health. Then leave it alone. I long ago gave up bending myself into pretzels to accommodate unreasonable people.

      1. It’s summer, plan some fun outdoor things. Don’t diss her for her choices. Most people here have decided to be a vast experiment in the impact of getting Covid multiple times. If she doesn’t want to do that, that is up to her.

        1. Sure that’s up to her. And has consequences. It’s 95 here I’m not planning outdoor things.

          2. I literally pay thousands in flights to go to places where it is 90-95 degrees! I love hot weather and beaches/ocean/lakes.

          3. I go swimming all the time but usually alone because I’m extremely particular about sun, and I don’t like inviting other people and balancing their preferences and mine.

        2. I am traveling this weekend with a few friends so we can all accommodate another friend who moved during the pandemic and haven’t seen since. Her fear of Covid has taken on a life of its own. Covid is her excuse, and those closest to her all know it. Half of us are convinced that even though we are paying a pretty penny for a neutral location, she may bail anyway. I love her but this level of placating is my last straw in terms of effort to ever see her in person again. We are all fed up.

        3. I would much rather eat outside in 40 degrees than the 95+ degrees it has been for the last month

      2. Waiting for a nasal spray vaccine that prevents infection is eminently logical and is not an anxiety disorder. It is, however, inconsitent that she’s allowing one child to attend public school (presumably unmasked). The risk of the kid’s bringing covid in from school is greater than the risk of catching covid from a friend’s using the bathroom in her home unmasked.

        1. Huh- genuinely curious: why do you think waiting for a nasal vaccine is logical? The nasal flu vaccine had to be recalled several years ago due to lack of effectiveness and the vast majority of vaccines are shots. I don’t think a nasal one is going to be superior to our current ones.

          1. The scientific process is slow, but there have been encouraging studies already. Logically it makes sense that triggering the part of the immune system that acts quickly to prevent infection would prevent infection better than relying on a ramp up period for antibody production (if levels of circulating antibodies have fallen since the last booster) and on T cell immunity.

            Flu vaccines are tricky and are generally outliers. We also never had a successful mRNA vaccine before this pandemic, so I think it’s a good time for innovation to come through! I guess I also just think some of the teams working on this seem really good (and people are working on this all over the world: our eggs are not all in one basket).

        2. Is that risk assessment true? I mean, it seems like it would/should be true, but I’ve been in bars, restaurants, stores, and offices routinely since about May 2020 and caught Covid three times – May 2021 on a date, October 2021 from the person sitting next to me at dinner, and October 2023 from sharing a room with someone “recovered” but still contagious. Maybe the risk is not in the bathroom, but just having people in your house/in close quarters.

          1. Of course there is risk in having people inside together in close quarters. It’s also not immediately out of the air, which is why she might prefer people wear a mask to use the bathroom, even though the risk is much lower than extended time together indoors. It’s the same reason why people were masking initially in stores and in airports.

            For what it’s worth, I don’t mask in stores and I travel to large conferences where I speak and have dinners with clients every few months. I’m vaccinated and still haven’t had Covid. But I also mostly avoid restaurants beyond these events, wear a mask in airports and on the plane, and choose outdoor versus indoor activities whenever the weather makes it suitable. (I also don’t have kids.) I also have several friends and a former boss who have or have had issues with long Covid. I know I can’t live in a bubble. But I also don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with someone not wanting you to gather as a group in their home where unvaccinated children live, particularly if you just hopped off a flight You don’t have to agree to eat outside if it’s 90. But you also don’t get to make her eat indoors in a busy restaurant. Neither of you is totally right here.

      1. This is key. What is she asking for?

        If you make plans to go out to eat and the weather is crap or uncomfortable, I think you’re allowed to say you don’t want to eat outside — and then you can either not go or she can decide that outing is not for her. If you care about the friendship, then you can be a little creative about outings that might be more comfortable for her (walks, etc.). I think it’s okay to gently suggest this might be anxiety that’s getting in the way of her life, but only with kindness and support, and only once.

      3. Seriously. I don’t really see how it’s impacting OP that much, seems like she just wants to bitch about her friend, which is sad.

        As they say, with friends like this…

    3. As someone who is still somewhat covid cautious but also hates eating outside (it’s always too hot or too cold, I’m allergic to hornets and hate having them swarm my food), I think there’s a reasonable middle ground to maintain the friendship if you want to. Just do outside things together when it makes sense (morning or evening walks, other activities, dining when you feel like it), the occasional masked inside activity (if you’re not at her house, presumably she’s the only one who needs to mask?), and keep up on the phone or online.

      1. Where does this happen? We eat outside tons at home and on vacation. I’ve never seen swarms of hornets.

        2. Tell me you have never lived in the South in summer without telling me . . .

          I live in California now and I realize this sounds odd but it happens all the time in some places in the South. Also to everyone saying “eat outside”, that is fine where I am now. When I visit my family in South Georgia in July you had best believe we are not eating outside.

        3. I’m in the upper Midwest. They’re not bad early in the year, but they get worse as the summer goes on and are scary by late summer and early fall. But there were already several investigating our food when grilling at a friend’s house this weekend.

          1. Come the end of August in Michigan, you can’t eat outside anywhere without yellow jackets swarming.

    4. Maybe schedule what you want winter and summer and let her host on pleasant spring and fall days? You can’t force her to change but if she wants to host within her limitations that might work better at certain times of year.

    5. I’d probably try to eat outside when you can – if it’s too hot in the summer to eat outside in the evenings, can you do brunch? This is what we do with my Covid cautious parents and we can comfortably fine outdoors probably 8 months of the year (in the Midwest). But you can also do stuff without her that she isn’t comfortable with.

        1. I know.. that’s why I suggested brunch before it gets too hot. When I said we can comfortably eat outside 8 months of the year, I meant we don’t eat outside from December to March (except for an unseasonably warm day). If you live in the south maybe it’s the summer months that aren’t suitable for outdoor dining, but the point remains that you should be able to get together outdoors most of the year.

          Also you can do other things outdoors besides eat. If it’s really hot why not go to the beach or a waterpark?

          1. It was already 85 degrees and 90% humidity by 11 am where I live today. There’s a lot of the counter where outdoor dining just isn’t a great option for much of the year…even brunch.

          2. Ok then why not do something else? If I had a friend who was worried about Covid I’d find things to do with them outside. I get not wanting to wear masks, but it’s not hard to find outdoor fun.

          3. All these posters saying just do things outside are killing me. It’s muggy by 7:00 am where I am and hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell by late morning. There are parts of the country where outdoor dining and activities are not doable for the average person from about late June through August. Hot and humid as it is where I am, when I visited Houston I had a conversation with someone about how it was difficult to even garden in the height of summer and that most gardening was best done in spring to early summer and in the fall.

          4. I meant water activities, like go to the pool or a lake? I know they have pools in Texas. Summer isn’t my favorite season either but literally refusing to go outside from June to August is pretty weird.

          5. I love this anon who keeps doubling down on the outside summer activities even though people who live in very hot areas are telling her that it’s very unpleasant.

            Swimming in a pool here in July or August feels like getting into a warm bath. Many pools close because it’s not safe for the lifeguards to sit out in it all day. We have lots of lakes! So that’s an option sometimes, but it turns into a half day or all day affair.

            Yes there are many, MANY people here who literally do not do outside activities for the summer. People will literally go outside to get the mail or go to the store or whatever, but it’s not enjoyable to be outside at all.

          6. Regardless of where you live, it’s tolerable to be outside for most of the year. If you live in New England you stay inside in the dead of winter; if you live in the south you stay inside in the hottest part of summer. But the point is it’s a short period of time and you can comfortably be outside most of the year. It’s reasonable to not want to do outdoor dining in July if you live in Houston, but that doesn’t make it impossible to sustain a friendship with someone who mostly wants to socialize outside.

    6. If she is waiting for a nasal vaccine, does that mean she and her children are not vaccinated? If that is the case, there is a lot going on here, and I would not want to accommodate her.

      1. Odds are they are vaccinated, but are aware that the type of vaccine we have now has not been very successful at preventing infection and long term complications of infection, so they’re holding out for a vaccine that successfully prevents infection, which is the goal of nasal vaccine projects currently.

          1. It was my impression that the second generation vaccine projects were going really well; do you know more about it?

          1. Some studies show better protection than others; it depends a lot on timing since there’s protection against infection in the first few months after a booster (and there’s no way to get long COVID without catching COVID). If you get infected anyway (as more time passes since your last booster and as variants shift away from what you’re protected against), the odds are worse. It also depends on which outcomes you’re trying hardest to avoid since long COVID can mean a lot of things to different people (a new lifelong autoimmune disease? a pulmonary embolism? a heart attack or a stroke? chronic fatigue syndrome or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome? increased susceptibility to subsequent infections? loss of taste or smell or a chronic cough? etc.).

          2. Yeah, totally agree – and obviously a vaccine preventing infection completely would be wonderful. I just didn’t want anyone skimming and walking away with the impression that getting available vaccines is useless if you care about preventing long covid

          3. The CDC is even starting to say that not only is vaccination helpful, but twice a year might be better since we keep having summer waves. We’ll see what they end up recommending though!

          4. I had been wondering whether the recommendation for annual vaccinations should be shifted to early summer!

      2. I am eagerly anticipating the nasal spray vaccine because it actually prevents infection. I have had every other vaccine for which I am eligible, but they really don’t do much other than reduce the risk of dying. I am masking on planes, in theaters, in doctors’ offices, and in other high-risk environments until I have a vaccine that does what I need it to do, which is to keep me from being infected so I don’t miss out on weeks of my life and don’t risk permanent disability from long covid.

        1. “don’t do much other than reduce the risk of dying” lol sorry they don’t do enough for you

          1. Every other major vaccine except for flu is close to 100% effective in preventing infection.

    7. I would continue to invite her to things to group is doing but let it be up to her if she chooses to participate.

      1. I’m sure that is what’s happening but OP is annoyed at putting on a mask for a few minutes to use the bathroom at the friend’s house. Everyone is allowed to have their boundaries and you’re allowed to decide how much you want to see your friend.

        1. OTOH I have some people in my life who I consider to be rules by untreated anxiety. Fine; their choice. But then they start demanding that I do the wings to accommodate their anxiety (asking to watch me wash my hands) and I have to push back.

          1. I used to have a friend with clinical OCD and everything we did was ruled by it. I felt bad for them that they had to live like that but I wasn’t making that choice for myself. Their actions left ME feeling anxious and obsessive! I no longer had the desire or space for the friendship.

        2. Why are you sure that’s what is happening. I think it sounds like this whole group is bending over backwards to accommodate this woman resulting in everyone else seeing each other less often. I would stop all of that.

    8. My brother is like this too. Drives me nuts – I feel like from a statistical standpoint they’re more likely to injure themselves slipping in the shower than getting long covid.

      Make the plans you want and continue to invite her. Be ok if she shows up in a mask.

    9. Frankly not at all. Absent some medical diagnosis, that’s someone I couldn’t relate to and would result in a friendship fade away from me.

    10. I wouldn’t be at all. And I wouldn’t be friends with someone harming her children with her untreated anxiety.

        1. Why home school one and let the other out into the dangerous virus infected universe. Kind of defeats the purpose.

          You can die tomorrow of anything. Covid really hit the psychological fragile very hard.

          1. In my world, COVID is hitting the physiologically fragile really hard. I think a lot of people don’t truly understand the stakes if they haven’t drawn the short straw before, but everyone makes decisions about risk and reward every day. Maybe it’s just hard for some people to adapt to living through the introduction of a new one especially if they haven’t lived with a highly contagious and consequential airborne disease before? But even just during my lifetime, I watched plenty of people quit smoking and change their diets and exercise habits to manage long term cardiovascular risks, which actually seems more effortful and inconvenient than masking indoors to me, so I don’t totally get why people see it differently.

            I also don’t really know this lady’s situation. It sounds inconsistent, but I don’t know if one kid thrives when home schooling and the other kid hates it. I don’t know if one kid fits the profile of relatives who ended up bedridden after infection, and the other kid is more robust. I also don’t know if the kid in school is taking precautions at school or at home. I remember my primary care doctor sent his kids to a private outdoor school to moderate risks while still providing a good educational environment for kids too young for Zoom school. I know some kids still mask in school to protect themselves or family members.

        2. Homeschooling in and of itself isn’t harmful (although crappy parents can certainly make it so). But homeschooling plus social isolation is.

          1. I was pretty happy with home schooling + outdoor socializing I was a kid, but I know different kids are different! I hope it’s working out for this family.

          2. My beef with homeschooling is that many states in the US don’t require students receive basic academic instruction. Even some fairly liberal states don’t require parents to notify anyone that they are homeschooling. Kids become adults, and extreme homeschooling deprives kids of a basic education.

          1. School can harm children too. Most people are trying to do their best by their kids. I don’t think it helps to have big categorical judgments like this.

          2. I do too. It’s not normal to not socialize with your peers at school. It does not bode well for a successful life.

          3. My view is that controlled, age segregated environments aren’t really socially normal, and that this may explain why so many successful professionals I’ve worked with especially in my 20s were home schooled, since they were already comfortable in adult social contexts? Maybe they’d do poorly in a setting that is more like school though.

          4. I would never want to homeschool my kids and I don’t think it would be fun for me or them, but I don’t think it’s really fair to say homeschooled kids don’t socialize. Most people who homeschool have large families and participate in co-ops with other large home school families and the kids are constantly around same-age peers. In fact, part of why I send my kids to regular school is that homeschooling requires a level of frequent socializing with other families that my introvert self isn’t comfortable with!

    11. Don’t stop inviting her but don’t pivot events around her attendance.

      So if you’re like my friend group that has a standing bi-monthly brunch or lunch or drinks, make your plans, accommodate if it makes sense and don’t have hard feelings if she doesn’t come. We love to eat outside June – September when the weather is good. Sometimes this means we do happy hour drinks or an earlyish brunch to avoid lunch outside on a hot day. Or in the winter, get together for outdoor skating and hot chocolate and cookies.

      People may not share on their medical vulnerabilities widely as well.

    12. The person who initiates the activity does the planning. If she wants to follow certain rules, she’s welcome to plan activities that accommodate those rules. The rest of you can plan activities that accommodate your rules, and she can come or not as she sees fit.

      I have friends who ride motorcycles. No way in heckfire am I getting on one of those things. So I don’t join them for that, and I either join for the activities I do feel comfortable doing or plan my own and invite them. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.

      1. Oh, and I think the masking while using the bathroom thing is absolutely not evidence based, but it’s her house, so she can decide to set that rule and you can decide whether to go over or not.

        1. Contact tracing has found that people have caught COVID in empty rooms where contagious people were previously breathing, and experiments have found infectious virus floating around in previously occupied rooms, so in that sense it’s evidence based. But… it’s a bathroom, so it’s not like exhalation is the only form in which infectious virus could be getting into the air in that particular room (sorry if this is gross but it’s also evidence based). It makes sense if she’s just trying to maximize source control indoors though.

          1. “Evidence based” does not mean “taking any potential evidence, no matter how thin, to its logical extreme.” It means taking all evidence into account, evaluating its strength, and making changes that provide the maximum benefit when balanced against risk.

            There is no professional or medical association that recommends people mask for 10 minutes in a room. None. That’s because the evidence is not there to support the intervention. If this woman’s friends are spending 8-12 hours in her bathroom, perhaps the rule makes sense, although honestly more from the perspective that it will discourage the sort of people who spend 8-12 hours in someone else’s bathroom from coming over.

          2. This lady doesn’t want to catch COVID in her house. The precautions required to prevent spreading current variants of COVID are pretty much the same as those required for measles or TB. These are the precautions that have been effective in hospital systems where the ventilation is optimal and the staff are trained (no spread of COVID on the TB ward!).

            If professional or medical associations have decided they are okay with exposing patients to the risks of COVID infections, they’ll have different guidelines that allow high levels of transmission, and people will catch COVID at the hospital as is currently happening. But there’s no evidence than ten minutes just isn’t long enough. Contact tracing is a good way to study this.

          3. A “contact” for contact tracing purposes is usually defined as 15 minutes of close interaction with no PPE. I am aware of no studies that involve someone being in a room for 10 minutes and then someone else being in that room at some later point. Please provide a citation to one if you have one. Otherwise, you seem to have arrived at a conclusion that you would like to protect, and that’s fine, but doesn’t make for very interesting conversation.

          4. The fifteen minutes unmasked rule is as out of date as feet separation and droplet transmission. This NPR piece is from fall of 2020 and it was already being questioned then, before Omicron: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/10/09/922385856/coronavirus-faq-whats-the-deal-with-the-15-minute-rule

            I remember there was a whole rash of studies on aerosols in elevators that assumed short periods of occupancy. There was also a whole series of studies on how quickly and at what low exposures people can catch Omicron variants, and how well they linger in the air, explaining how it spread so quickly to so many people.

            If this is an actual area of interest, there are some excellent papers on how droplet transmission theory originated and how it’s been since debunked. There has also been some good research from countries with better contact tracing on the “super spreader” individuals who are the origin of a disproportionate number infections and whose presence or absence can be a confounder in studies that don’t account for them. There are studies on how long an exposure is required and how small a dose may be infectious. And there are studies on which prevention protocols in hospitals were effective (up to 100% effective) and which failed to prevent transmission.

            I personally think it is more logical for the person trying to avoid infections to mask when entering the bathroom whether or not prior occupants were masked (especially if it’s poorly ventilated and has a “just for show” fan!). But I also think “masks indoors” keeps things simpler for everyone than complicated “masks indoors except/unless…” decision trees.

          5. So no, you do not have a single study or academic source supporting what you’re saying. You are just hand waving at “studies”. Cool! You do you, I’ll do me. This was a waste of time.

          6. Okay. One sort of “gotcha” study would actually be weaker evidence than an entire body of literature capturing the shift from a focus on fomite and droplet transmission to aerosol transmission over the past several years.

    13. for the mask – bathroom situation, I’m assuming you all are hanging outside, and then when one goes inside to use the bathroom she’s asking you to wear a mask. I would laugh a bit inside, but wouldn’t care at all about this.

      From there, I’d invite her to all the things but not be offended when she opts out of the indoor things she doesn’t feel comfortable with. I’d even add a little thing to the end of my invite “hey carlie we’d love to have you with us for this but understand if you aren’t comfortable joining us.” and would assume that she will not be joining.

      However I’d also plan outdoor things because it’s summer. basically everything my friends and I are doing right now is outdoors. Farmers markets, outdoor evening dining, bonfires, cookouts, beach time…this is prime outdoor hangout time. If it’s 90 during the day, then it’ll be 70-80 in the evening which is beautiful shady weather.

      1. I’m so jealous of your last sentence lol, here the humidity is so bad right now that it is not cooling down in the evening/at night and is just constantly sticky and hot. I can’t wait for early fall…

        1. Right??

          I have a COVID cautious partner, who is starting to loosen up a little, and I can understand the frustration. Yes, everyone can have their own rules, but when it interferes with seeing the person, it can get sad.

          I spent the past several summers eating outside, even in DC, and it was better than never getting together with people, but I’m less likely to anymore. And as noted above, it has NOT been cooling down much at night. So it’s a difference between deadly and unbearable, basically.

          I moved here from the Midwest; the level of heat and humidity in DC is another thing altogether. When I visit my Midwest family and they’re all, OMG it is so hot and humid, I’m sitting there quite comfortably!

      2. Hahhahahahaha. Must be nice. It’s still hot and humid and disgusting at night here.

      3. :) lol okay okay, that last sentence is regional!

        To be fair, I just love hot humid weather in general. I lived in Florida for a whole year – summer included – and we loveeeed the Florida summer. However I will fully acknowledge we were the abnormal ones.

    14. Join her for outdoor or masked fun when it suits you. If you don’t want to be friends with her any longer, drop her. Don’t accuse her of having an anxiety disorder or endlessly criticize her eminently logical choices.

      1. + yeah. Based on your grumpy responses to every helpful suggestion, I am thinking she’s not the unreasonable one here.

        1. OP here-I haven’t responded to any suggestions. Reading comments and appreciating the input, but haven’t responded otherwise.

        2. Yup. I’m not worried about Covid anymore but you sound like you’re just looking for ways to judge her.

        1. Yeah, telling friends to mask in the bathroom is very clearly not eminently logical.

          1. It is to her! Leave your friend alone! I don’t understand this impetus to try to control how other people live their lives. Live your life, let others live theirs, and avoid all this judging — you have no idea what is going on in her life, as much as you think you do.

    15. I’m like your COVID cautious friend. I’m going to respond as I would to one of my friends asking this question.

      When you frame a disagreement about risk assessment as a “me” problem, and talk about “accomodating” me, that doesn’t feel very friendly. As friends, we can disagree, and agree to disagree. But you are positioning yourself like you are in the right, and *any* reasonable person would agree with you.

      You don’t have to do things my way. If you have specific concerns about things you don’t want to do, say what your concern is and give the four of us a chance to work it out like reasonable adults. For example, many COVID cautious people may feel more comfortable in indoor spaces if they are well ventilated and have air filters running. I might be willing to bend on certain things if I see that you put a high value on our friendship.

      But if you’ve already decided we’re not really friends if we disagree on this, it might be kinder to let each other go.

      1. You are accommodating her; she is accommodating you; a large portion of friendship is being accommodating of each other. There is nothing judgmental about the word “accommodating”. Your risk assessment IS a you problem, as would be your food allergies, your pregnancy, your political views, whatever. Her risk assessment is a her problem. Good friends will accommodate your you problems, and you will accommodate their their problems. And if you don’t like how they’re accommodating your you problems, or if they don’t like how you’re accommodating their them problems, then yes, that’s probably it for a friendship, but that’s pretty rare.

        Being so precious about other people’s language must get exhausting.

      2. But you are the problem? You are making requests and she is accommodating you?

  3. Lowest stake question ever: how do I wash my face without splashing water all over my countertop? When I am done rinsing my face (by leaning over the sink, cupping my hands in running water and then splashing it on my face) my countertop is WET with standing water! I’m not throwing it everywhere, I just really feel like I need that water on my face to get rid of the cleanser. And I have lots of stuff on the countertop – I end up having to get a small towel and wiping it all down. Does this happen to you? Or is this yet another mystery of adulthood that I have not managed to crack?

    1. Use a wet washcloth to rinse your face rather than splashing water to rinse. This has the added bonus of a smidge of exfoliation as you wipe the cleanser from your face with the washcloth.

      1. +1. I never really feel like splashing water gets my cleanser off. I have to use a wet washcloth to wipe it off.

      2. Yes, this is the answer. I buy a big pack of basic washcloths from Target or Amazon and only use them for my face.

      3. I do this too. I’m currently using gauze face cloths I bought on Amazon and they are so much better than terry cloth washcloths. Dry faster, and I can just hang them on a little hook next to my sink and they don’t molder and get stinky in the laundry basket.

    2. If you figure out how to do it without also having water run down to your elbows, please please share the secret!

      1. I’ve see some influencers use these terry cloth wristbands to prevent this issue. I haven’t tried them myself but I need to. I’ve seen them on Amazon.

      3. This is always the part of make-up cleaner ads that makes me laugh sooo hard! Not only does the actress’s mascara not run but there isn’t water everywhere! Would be interested in the secret too!

    3. low stakes answer – I lift the cupped water gently to my face, I don’t splash it. If anything, I move my face more than my hands.

    5. I wash my face in the shower because I HATE splashing water all over the counter top!

    6. I haven’t figured out how to stop splashing water even if I kneel way over the sink. I keep a washcloth near the sink and just wipe off any standing water.

    7. My dirty secret is I only wash my face with soap in the shower, every other day. I sometimes take a wet washcloth and scrub the crap out of it in the morning to get the retinol off before slathering on fresh sunscreen. My skin is great.

    8. OP here – thank you for these responses – I have truly felt like I am missing a gene when it comes to stuff like this and knowing this impacts other is very reassuring.

      1. I just keep a sponge at the sink, and wipe down when I’m done. Yes, it’s messy.

        My skin is so sensitive I can only gently wash with fingertips and splash to rinse – only tepid water.

        And you should see the mess when I brush my teeth….

        1. On the towel bar next to my bathroom sink, I keep two hand towels. The one on the left is for my face, the one on the right is for my hands or anyone’s hands. I often use the hand towel to wipe down the sink when I’m done. it keeps it from getting my pajamas wet when I lean against the sink.

      2. I am the same as you. I also tend to drool when brushing my teeth (so weird, I know). I’m extremely thorough and haven’t figured out how everyone else doesn’t have this problem.

    12. I double cleanse. For the first cleanse I use a washcloth to wipe it all off. I then use my second cleanser to wash my face and get water all over.

      After I’m done with my face I bleach the countertop down and rinse using the wash cloth. Not ideal but I have 3 children and it’s easier for me to clean as I go.

    13. I usually use a wet washcloth and double cleanse. But if that’s not your jam, you might want to try one of those squirt bottle thingies. I recently got eyelash extensions and I use a foam soap and the squirt bottle filled with water to rinse. No reason you couldn’t use it to rinse more of your face.

  4. Does anyone know of a car service that can take you from LGA to East Hampton?

    (my in-laws usually pick us up but we live in Houston and have no power from the hurricane so are flying in early with our kids)

        1. Oh good, I am glad you liked Legends! That was my recommendation.

          I was also the Anon at 9:29 am – somehow it defaulted to a different name…

  5. Looking for advice/commiseration on going through a trial separation. How do I get through these next few weeks? We are still living together, but different rooms.

    2. i don’t understand – if it’s a trial separation that suggests one of you is still hoping for a resolution. is it him?

      1. I am still hoping for a resolution. They asked for the separation and are undecided on whether they think resolution is possible.

        1. Gently – you should be making back-up plans in case they decide resolution is possible. Protect your finances, have a plan for where you’re going to live and what you’re going to do with the shared living space, etc.

          Also, in addition to being elsewhere as others have already suggested, is the ‘few weeks’ a firm deadline? Say, that the separation is going to be through July 31 and then you will discuss further? Or have you been given some nebulous “I need a few weeks to think”? Because I don’t think the second one is fair, and of course it will make you feel like you’re in limbo.

          1. +1 to all this. My advice is “hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” And if your partner hasn’t given you a timeline/deadline, then set one for yourself. I know it’s hard if you are the one who wants to stay in the relationship, but sometimes “no answer” means “the answer is ‘no'” and you have to be prepared, at some point, to pull the plug.

    3. Spend as much time out of the house as possible—now is the time for lazy days sipping coffee at the fancy coffee shop with a good book, or lazing by a pool (you can get a day pass). Do your ruminating while in motion—go for a hike, a bike ride, etc. There is something magical about gentle outdoor physical activity as a way to process feelings.

    4. Hire an attorney. This isn’t cynical advice!

      You will need an attorney to walk you through protecting your assets during this period. Can he clean out your accounts? What is his name on? Are there any particular reasons why it benefits him to slow-walk the divorce (eg, you’re in line for a raise or a promotion, and he would get a larger settlement)? Is he seeing someone else?

      Also, if he decides to split, it will be helpful to have already “interviewed” and hired a lawyer. Divorce filings come with time sensitive responses, which really sucks when you have been gut-punched.

      Spend time thinking about what YOU want. It might not be him! Decompress, do yoga, see your friends, swim, run, whatever – and think about what you want in a spouse. Think about what elements of marriage you might be missing. Make sure you aren’t short-changing yourself when you want to get back together. (I speak from experience.)

      1. Yes indeed on the attorney! it’s vitally important to know your rights.

  6. IDK how often this happens with empty nesters but a friend found the love of her life. They dated for 5 years. She was a younger widow from a blended family, so in no hurry to marry (and that may have ended some benefits she had gotten, IDK). Her boyfriend (also an empty nested) died suddenly in a date. Only in the aftermath did she find out that he was married. I guess he had moved out and IDK what the story was with the wife but they had never finalized the divorce, just moved on with their lives. I can’t even imagine the shock but it is a huge mess for her on top of so much heartache. And the wife’s family caused a huge scene at the funeral, the tribute wall on the funeral’s website is a hot mess, and IDK what you do in that situation. My friend wasn’t the bad guy and I don’t think that any party was, no one bothered to legally end a relationship that both parties had moved on from. And I guess it doesn’t matter until it does. My ex-BIL only bothered to spend he $ to get silvered because his GF got pregnant and she wanted to marry him before the baby came. But ugh.

    (Not in Canada, where there is common-law marriage or parts of the US with it. Can you be common-law divorced?).

    1. If it’s that messy with the wife’s family it sounds like he may have started to see your friend while married, left his wife and then never finalized a divorce. If they were happily and publicly living apart, I can’t see why her family would be mad.

    2. Idk I think the BF was the bad guy if he never mentioned that he’s still legally married. I’m so tired of hearing “it’s just a piece of paper” – it’s demonstrably not.

      1. +1 A married person who starts dating another person without a divorce process being initiated is “the bad guy”. I can’t fathom how you seriously date someone for 5 years without bothering to end your legal marriage

        2. I’m in the process of getting a divorce – papers are filed, lawyers have been hired – and greatly appreciated a man saying that he would ask me out when it’s final. It was something like “Let me know when it’s final; I would like to take you out to dinner.”

          Just… one relationship at a time, people!

      3. Yeah, he was the bad guy. Being married is a material fact that needs to be disclosed WAY before five years has passed.

    3. I feel like that the wife’s family’s version of this is probably something like ‘can you believe that woman had the nerve to show up at the funeral after he left Betty for her during Betty’s cancer treatments?’

      The cheating rates of men with sick wives are very high. I’d be shocked if you know the full story. If he wasn’t divorced, it either wasn’t recent or it was contentious. If it was a religious issue (eg Catholic), then the BF likely would have disclosed that he was not divorced and not planning to.

      1. You never know. Wife could be in a coma — how can you divorce someone in that state? Or just not agreeing to a settlement (but in that case, you can get divorced still). I guess some people just split up and go on their way. It’s just now how the law sees it.

        If you are common law married, do you need to get divorced? Or just part ways?

        1. The situations you describe are what the courts are for. Not all divorces are amicable. He lied about being married, it seems like not a huge leap that he lied about if they were separate when he started dating OP’s friend.

          DH’s mom had a LOT of married guys hit on her after she was widowed. Mostly slightly older guys looking to trade in their wife for someone 10 years younger than they were but not necessarily interested in getting a divorce or being public about it.

        2. common-law married is married, and requires an actual divorce. also you cannot be married to 2 people at once, so not possible to be common-law married to friend if still married to first wife.

        2. Just an example of how OP’s friend had no idea he was still married so it’s pretty likely she had no idea what broke up his marriage and no idea why the wife’s family is so mad.

    4. I’m comfortable saying that her BF, who hid the facts of his marriage situation from her for FIVE YEARS, is the bad guy here.

      No wonder the funeral was messy. Your poor friend.

  7. Question out of ignorance. I was in a fender bender yesterday in a parking lot (100% my fault). The police came, said that because it was private property they wouldn’t issue a citation, then just took my information and the other woman’s and left.

    Now what? Do I contact my insurance? Do I want for her to contact her/my insurance? Like I said, I was the one who bonked her car and I take responsibility for that, so how does the process get started?

    1. I am not in a no-fault state. In that case if the other person had damage to her car she would call your insurance company to file a claim. If you have damage to your car, you would file a claim with your company. It would be up to the other person to start the process for any repairs needed for her car.

    2. Call your insurance company and report it so they have the info from you if she makes a claim. If you have damage to your car you want to fix via insurance and you carry coverage, you can get that started at the same time. Personally, since there’s already a likelihood the other person will make a claim, I’d go ahead and go through insurance and fix my car, your rates will likely already be impacted.

    3. Also have photo evidence of the damage to both cars available, assuming you snapped some
      photos, in case ins co asks

    4. My most recent fender bender involved someone rear ending me at a stop sign. It was clearly 100% her fault even though she thought it should have been mine (she was frustrated that I came to a full stop rather than just tap the brakes and go). She asked me to get three repair quotes to provide to her, which was a ton of leg work on my end as someone who worked full time in an office. Then she balked at the prices and I just gave up and reported it to her insurance company & they paid.

      So, don’t be her.

      Just have it go through the insurance company from the start. That’s what you pay for – the cost of repairs plus the administrative aspect of it all.

      1. I know it wasn’t funny at the time but I’m laughing at this woman’s audacity. She ran into you and she thinks it was your fault for stopping fully at a stop sign? What an entitled clown. I hope her premiums tripled.

  8. So, I tried to do the thing and schedule my mammogram. No appointments available until December. In the past when I’ve called they’ve scheduled me for the next week.

    1. Really? Mine is always booked way out. You could call them back and ask them to call you if there’s a cancellation.

    2. Good for you for calling! Take the December appointment and call every week or so – there will be cancellations. And after your appointment, go ahead and make next year’s as a gift to future you.

      1. +1

        My preferred hospital is always booked up like this. I also get on the cancellation list, and fo online to the patient portal occasionally and look for a cancellation on my own. They happen all the time, bit you have to be persistent.

        Great job doing the thing. My friend has a breast mass and I have been encouraging her to schedule her mammogram and just keeps avoiding it….

    3. i just schedule next year’s mammogram when i’m at this year’s appointment. i hate phones.

    4. So, good thing you started the process then! FWIW a 3-4 month wait is normal; my medical system uses app scheduling so you can ask to be notified of cancellations if you want.

    5. Not sure if this helps you OP, but I wanted to post a tip for anyone in Northern Virginia – the Imaging department at the Inova Franconia/Springfield HealthPlex (on Walker Lane, near the Springfield Metro station), does great mammograms, and there’s almost never any kind of lag getting an appointment. I’ve been there three years in a row now, and each time I schedule they start out offering me appointments for the next day.

  9. I’m almost 40, single (not by choice), childless (not by choice). I have friends but they are busy with their own lives/marriages/children so we don’t get to spend much time together. As a result I spend a lot of time alone. I feel like I need to pick up a really engrossing solo hobby so I’m not bored. I can’t afford to travel much unfortunately. I already read a lot and watch a lot of TV/movies. If you’re in this situation, how do you like to occupy your time? Knitting, crocheting, video games, maybe I should get a pet?

    1. Are you at all interested in endurance sports or team sports?

      I’m not that good at them, but I love them. Trail running has truly become my passion, and I dabble in triathlons too. I also play on a semi competitive ice hockey team ~8 months a year.

      1. This is key to let go of being good at a sport. I’m the one who recommended mountain biking below and compared to a lot of the women I see out there, my skills are average at best – but it’s so freaking fun.

      2. To be honest I’ve never really tried sports (not since gym class in high school at least)!

        1. Running is pretty accessible if your joints permit it! Go super slowly, do less than you think you can, and consider joining a running group (shoe stores often have free ones that work for beginners). Running is great because it can be as social or not social as you want it to be.

          1. Also, if it’s something that would excite you – consider signing up for one of the Disney races. They are super chill, no one is running for time, and accessible to all activity levels. It is super non-intimidating. There is a great runners world (I think) article about how they get women into running.

    2. I got into self-publishing as a hobby (with an eye towards making it a side hustle at some point) writing romance novels and novellas. The learning curve is really steep for the marketing side and if it “clicks” you can spend hours designing your covers, editing your books, spending time in forums, jotting down ideas, doing marketing, and so on. So far I’ve written 7 and moved about 7000 copies total across all books, a couple just a handful womp womp, but a couple made the top slot in their sub-category in Amazon so that was thrilling :)

      3. I would also love to hear more (and read your books)!! Please email at crettegal at the Google service

    3. These are all indoor, individual pursuits. Try adding something outdoors and/or social, and/or with impact beyond yourself: worship, volunteer service, BBBS, etc

      1. +1

        It is really helpful to find something involving others, and that is meaningful. A volunteering outlet is wonderful. Big sister, teaching English, registering voters, reading to lonely seniors in a nursing home, join League of Womens voters and get ideas on how to improve things. DO something that matters.

        or I mean, knitting and gardening and cooking are peaceful and creative. But it sounds like you are looking for more out of life.

          1. Yes as a professional you’d be great to get on a nonprofit board or take a larger role in volunteering where you really get to know the people in the organization.

    4. Something that gets you out of the house. Take a class at a local school, go to lectures at a bookstore, support a local theatre group, go to summer free concerts or movie nights.

    6. Highly recommend a pet- especially a dog if you want to spend a lot of time on training. You could also consider volunteering your time at something that interests you.
      Also just throwing this out there- skydiving is a great hobby (if you have the temperament). Tons of men to meet, very time consuming, obviously extremely fun. Can be expensive but the major expenses are getting a license and your own equipment, and once you’re past that it’s quite reasonable.

    7. When I was in this situation, I joined a gym that I loved. it was my third place, where I could go during pretty much any waking time slot, alone, and be totally comfortable. Bonus that I also worked out, lol. one additional positive was that there was a decent cafe and bar, so it was easy to grab a casual drink or salad with folks from the gym. Two of those people became true friends who are in my life to this day.

      1. +1 I have a friend in late 30’s (single, no kids) does the same thing. She’s got a great routine of classes she takes with instructors she likes. Her gym (Lifetime) even has a nalon and hair salon. So she’ll pop in to get her nails done, etc. Obviously this gym is more expensive than the run of the mill gym, but she’s definitely getting her money’s worth and is very healthy.

        1. I spend a lot of time alone and love my (way too expensive) Lifetime membership for the reasons mentioned.

      2. I have done crossfit and crossfit-like small group classes, and they’re a great way to make friends.

    8. Honestly, I dated a lot when I was single not by choice. That’s the only way you’ll change your circumstances. I also kept a journal of all the bad dates thinking there was a book in there and loosely outlined plots to keep from getting too discouraged. Met my husband shortly after I turned 40 and after going out with what was probably hundreds of people.

      2. Trust me, I have dated and dated and dated. I have accepted it’s not going to happen for me.

          1. Maybe don’t give up but also it doesn’t have to be her hobby or where she invests all her time and energy. It sounds like she’s invested a lot of time and energy there already and that isn’t good for her anymore. It’s completely healthy for OP to build a full life without a partner. There’s a difference in attitude and energy toward building a full life for yourself, and building a full life as a step toward a life with a partner.

          2. +1 to pink nails. People don’t have to keep cycling through the apps or whatever all the time. This poster clearly wants or needs a break. She didn’t ask for dating advice and I don’t think it’s kind to give her any. Trust me, single women hear this all the time.

    9. Community theater! I got involved with my local theater group because it’s the most active arts group in the area. It’s not my background at all, but I’ve been able to be useful, learn a lot as I go, meet amazing people and have a lot of fun. How busy you are is cyclical depending on where you are in a production. There is always a need for people to work backstage.

      1. I did that too when I moved to a new area! Mostly backstage stuff, but on stage a few times when a show needed a large ensemble. And I had never performed in my life and was not any kind of handy, but anyone can help slap paint on a set piece.

        It was a lot of fun, keeps you busy, and most people I encountered were very nice and welcoming. Except the sound people – for some reason they are always curmudgeonly.

    11. What about taking classes in things that interest you? Painting, pottery, woodworking, rock climbing, dance….? I can’t tell from your post if you genuinely enjoy being alone or if you are resigned to it — but if you want to be more social, taking an evening class is a low-stakes way to try something out for a few weeks and see how you like it. You could even consider deliberately sampling a few different things between now and the end of the year to see what happens – a fine arts class, a sports class, water aerobics… so many interesting ideas. And that would get you out of the house for a night or two, which might make the other nights at home easier.

    12. I would consider joining a volunteer organization like the League of Women Voters or, perhaps, something like a theater group. That would satisfy the need for social interaction and you might even find a partner!

    13. Why do you have to do stuff alone (unless you want to – nothing wrong with being an introvert? It’s never too late a new activity. I start rowing I just took a learn to row course at my local rowing club. I’m the oldest on my team and the only one with kids. I’ve previously tried swim lessons, chocolate making course, figure skating lessons and a pottery course. Some are just a fun one time workshop and others turn into a hobby.

      Or my 70 year old mom just took up quilting two years ago and now she’s organizing quilting conferences and attending social quilting events to the point where I had to book her a couple weeks out if I want her help with grandkid pick up/drop of/visits.

      Also, you don’t have to be married to have kids. One of the coolest moms I know had twins on her own at 40. She’s a super active person and always taking her twins on cool adventures.

      Pets are great. One of DH’s co-workers got super into dog sports with her Australian Sheppard after her divorce in her mid 40s.

    14. Okay, hear me out. I have become obsessed with bridge over the last year! I know there are a lot of people older than 40 there. I’m 40 and the youngest person in my club by… a lot. But it’s social, and I’ve made lots of new friends. It’s also challenging and fun. If you like puzzles, I think you’ll like it. I “study” in my off time so I have stuff to do when I’m not at the bridge club. I’m in a small city, and there’s a pretty active community here with a class for newcomers every season.

      1. My parents (early 60s) grew up playing with their parents, who were of the generation where bridge was very popular. They play on their country club’s bridge team and they say they’re the youngest there by a lot! Which, I think they like because there are very few places where someone who could collect social security is the youngest person :)

        1. Yes! Every time I meet someone new, they express surprise at my age and go on about how young I am. Even though I rarely win, I always leave with an inflated ego from that :D

      2. This sounds so fun! I like how games can take social pressure off a bit so it isn’t awkward if you don’t want to talk much (or if you do!).

        1. Yes! There are people in the bridge club who I know every detail about their life, and others who I don’t even know if they have a spouse–just that they apparently have some free time on Thursday evenings and they enjoy playing cards. And you always have a topic to discuss if everything else fails.

    15. Broad advice: Pay close attention to what sparks your curiosity in these comments (and if nothing does here, around you for a week or two) and then immediately find a way to follow that curiosity. I feel like adulting makes us really good at thinking of reasons we shouldn’t follow things that spark our curiosity, and the key to overcoming boredom is to listen less to the reasons and just go after the interesting things.

      Also, think like a guy. My husband and my brother in law (separately, not together) are both the type of guys who figure out they like a hobby and then go all in really fast on them. Like my husband decided he likes disc golf and now has like 57 discs (I exaggerate, not by much). However he is really into using them. Meanwhile I think I need to do something for a year to even consider buying the good stuff for them. I think there is probably somewhere in between the two extremes that is a place.

      Specific hobby advice: Yoga classes at a cool yoga studio. not all yoga studios/classes/teachers will be cool or for you, so if yoga attracts you but you have a dud experience once keep looking. I always recommend this because it very much is a home spot for me to keep returning to and it’s going to be the thing I do until I die.

      Browse local classes and meet up groups and actually go to one you’re interested in. even in my little tiny town, we have an art group, yoga, biking group, gardening group, book club, quilters group, hiking group, snowmobiliers/atv club, archery, and a couple volunteer groups – and that’s what I can name off the top of my head. Attend one of their meetings, meetups, events to get a taste of it and if they seem cool, keep going. If you hated it, stop going and now you have a good story about a weirdo group in your area. :)

      1. as for investing in hobbies, I am definitely a hobby person. Most of them are things I stick with but am not great at / not terribly invested in. My rule for buying supplies is that I’ll start with the cheap option and then once I’ve given it a shot and decided I like it, I’ll invest in something nicer. There are some hobbies where the equipment definitely mattes (biking), but IME its easy to get into most hobbies with the cheap starter equipment. You can also usually rent or borrow equipment if its something you’re just trying out (I rent skates for my ice hockey season).

        Hobbies I’ve tried include:
        Active: biking, mountain biking, running, trail running, hiking, camping, kayaking, paddle boarding, surfing, sailing, rowing, rec sports (kickball, softball), club sports (ice hockey, field hockey), triathlons, gym classes of all types, running or biking groups, dance lessons, pretty much all racquet sports.
        Social: bar quizzo, social sports, book club, music club, TV watching groups (gather with a group to watch a show every week), fantasy sports / sports brackets
        At home: reading, knitting, crochet, sewing, baking, cooking, refinishing furniture, home improvement projects (reglassing windows, retiling floors, etc), genealogy, painting (water color, acrylic, paint by numbers), home beauty treatments
        Other: thrifting, taking a class or attending a lecture series on a topic that interests me, pottery class

        Even the hobbies that I didn’t list as social are things that I can do socially: I have friends that I regularly run and bike with (1-2x a week), other friends and I bring our art or knitting projects over to someones house and hang out, drink a glass of wine, and knit.

        I keep up with almost all of the above hobbies to a degree; some are things I do most days (exercise, running, painting), some are things I do weekly or monthly, and some are things that I do as the need or desire arises (home improvement projects, sewing, lecture series, 1 season of hockey a year)

        I’d like to try to learn an instrument and try woodworking as my next hobbies, though being an apartment dweller makes that kind of hard!

        I’m in an LDR, so socially I’m single during the week just about every week. My friend group is probably 50/50 single vs coupled, but everyone is childfree right now, which makes get togethers easier. Could you lean into meeting friends via hobbies who are also single / child free and thus have the time to meet up mid week for the hobby and a drink?

    16. Oh hi! Similar boat as you and here’s what I do:
      -knitting
      -I play tennis twice a week in a group clinic (I am terrible but it’s fun and a good way to socialize)
      -I’m thinking about getting a dog so I can take said dog to the dog park (also a good way to socialize and get some outdoor time)
      -I go to any events that interest me (author readings, art exhibits, museums, whatever) and give friends an open invitation—I’m going to X exhibit on Y date at Z time, I’d love to have you join me!—and if they come, great; if not, I’m still doing something I want to do
      -I’m trying out a silent book club for some social reading
      -antiquing, estate sale shopping
      -thinking about getting into miniature making

      It’s hard living the majority of your life alone but I’ve started to really lean into doing activities I want to do that interest me where there’s an element of socializing—I get the best of both worlds that way :)

    17. I would get partial season tickets to a nearby sports team! Or, if that’s not your jam – season tickets to a theater, orchestra, or something similar?

    18. So I don’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg here but I’m not much of a TV person so as a result, I have gotten into hobbies to kill time at night or on weekends when I don’t have plans. Now, I’m so into my hobbies that I probably watch TV once a week, if that (if no NFL, MLB, or Bachelor viewing parties, I can go weeks if not months without turning on my TV), and only if it relates to a hobby (for me, this is following my NFL and MLB team and getting together with a group of girlfriends to watch the Bachelor).

    19. I would sign up for an in person class in whatever topic or activity that interests you. Personally, I play tennis once a week. It doesn’t have to be an athletic activity if that isn’t your thing, but it is nice to have a consistent activity with a consistent group of people.

      I also think the suggestion to join a nice (full service) gym is a good one.

    20. This might sound weird, but try to make some younger friends/mentor a young woman. When I was in college, I made friends with a woman in her thirties who worked a side job at the same restaurant I worked at (she had another full time job). We hit it off, and I actually lived with her for a while (which she was happy about because I was a wonderful roommate and she was trying to pay off student loans). But the point is that she was a wonderful mentor to me and I very much value her and that time of my life. She had the same issue you did (older friends who didn’t always have time for her) but I had plenty of time to spend with her.

    21. This is very niche and depending on your age and what field you’d be interested in, but I’ve always been intrigued by the national guard.

    22. I play Dungeons and Dragons with a group in person. It’s collaborative storytelling and you can spend a ton of time in character creation and world building. If you have a local game shop, they might host board game nights or other tabletop RPGs.

    23. Thank you all for the suggestions, I really appreciate it :) So many things I would have never thought of!

    24. Ok, so I’m the “friends” in this situation. I’m 41 and we have two toddlers – I would LOVE to see my friends more, but – honestly – I can’t imagine most of them wanting to hang out at my circus of a house. LOL. If you want to see your friends more often and are willing to put up with the (not so) dull roar – let them know! We occasionally have friends come over after work on a Friday…hang out with us and the kids until the kids go to bed (whichever spouse is less close to the friend does bedtime), and then we get takeout and hang out. I’m betting that many of your friends would love to see you in this or a similar situation – it’s just that getting out of the house around dinner/bedtime is very hard at certain stages.

    25. Tennis has been a game changer for me. I started taking weekly classes where I’ve made a couple of good friends, who I now meet up with to do other things besides tennis. My husband started playing too, and it’s been great for our relationship. Similarly, a couple of our friends play, so it became another activity to do with them and strengthen that friendship. I like that tennis is social, but it’s also a way to spend a lot of time with people without having to talk the whole time.

    26. I suggest volunteering! Also, if you like music, a community choir or orchestra is a great way to meet people of all ages and get out of the house.

  10. I recall this came up a few months ago but my search skills are failing me. How much do you keep in savings for emergencies and unexpected larger expenses (car repair, medical bills, insurance deductibles) or perhaps someone recalls that comment and can send a link? I was chatting with a friend who told me that we have too much in savings ($25,000) and should put the majority of it in the stock market (or a lower risk mutual fund). We also have a $60,000 one-year CD that we could close early (with a penalty) if absolutely necessary, which is why my friend thinks we should put most of the non-CD money in the stock market. We do not keep more than an extra $300 to $500 in our checking account (since it does not earn interest) and the $25,000 is in a high yield online account (which would take a few days to access). My husband also likes having the extra cash in savings but agrees that $25,000 may be too much since the unexpected expenses we have had in the past few years were rarely more than $5,000.

    1. We keep 12 months’ living expenses in a HYSA, with the rest of our money in investments. It’s high, but DH’s industry is somewhat unstable and if he is laid off there’s a good chance that our investments will be down at the same time. It’s higher than probably advisable, but giving up some potential gains helps me sleep at night knowing that if he were suddenly unemployed we would be okay for quite a while. Early in our marriage he lost his job and we did not have the same safety net and it was very dicey until he found work again.

    2. Honestly, I don’t think that sounds too high.

      I’m single, no kids, work as a fed so very stable employment, in a MCOL. I keep 10K in a HYSA as my emergency fund. My rent is $1500 / mo and most other expenses could be cut immediately. I’m very uncomfortable with unemployment, so if I did ever lose my job I’d get a part time job literally the next day (waitressing or retail or something) while I job searched.

      In addition to my E fund, I have several sinking funds, including one for my car and one for health expenses (and then the rest are for more fun things, like travel). As a renter, I don’t have unexpected house repair costs.

      So, if you’re homeowners and there are two of you, I think $25k is fine.

    3. Depends on everything else, I keep a lot of cash on hand, way more than you’ve mentioned, but I also have lots invested. I’m just not comfortable without a big cash cushion.

    4. Roughly 10 months worth of expenses in a HYSA and a bit more in short-term treasuries index fund. I wouldn’t put emergency savings in the stock market. Maybe lower risk mutual fund, but are the lower risk funds really earning that much more than HYSAs these days? I graduated in the recession and was unemployed for a while, so I’m probably more risk averse than some, but I like having it easily accessible and not in stocks that could tank. I could probably earn a little more if i moved it all in the short term treasures fund, but not enough that I bother.

    5. I think it depends on what emergency expenses are likely to come up–whether you’re renting or own a home, whether you own a car and how old it is, your own age and health, etc. It would not take that much for my family to go through $25K. It’s our windstorm deductible, and we’re on the Gulf Coast. It’s a large health expense and a large car repair–and we had to get a new transmission a few months ago, and my husband is having surgery tomorrow.

      Our goal is to keep about $50,000 in cash, but we don’t have anything in a CD.

    6. I don’t think it’s high, depending on if you own a home or your health insurance deductibles/copays. You may have only had unexpected expenses of less than $5,000, but if you own a home or end up in the hospital for something unexpected, it could definitely be more than that.

    7. I have 12 months worth in a HYSA that has been yielding between 4.5-5% (Citizens) for the last good while. For some people 6 months is enough. What’s “enough” in terms of absolute dollars for you is impossible to say without knowing your living expense load. Also, your friend can’t possibly have an opinion without knowing the same.

      If you feel that $85k is in fact your number, I think you probably have it right- $25k available immediately (but put it in a HYSA account so it’s earning something!), and then another $60k available within 12 months penalty free, but also immediately available with penalty. If you decide $85k is more than you need, then I’d leave some portion in savings, and when the CD matures reduce the amount in the CD going forward and put a portion in a more aggressive investment vehicle.

    8. We are keeping a lot of money in cash and CDs right now with the rates being as high as they are. We’d go back down if the rates drop, but when you can get basically 5% on a CD, that’s a very safe investment vehicle.

    9. ~$40k in HYSA, plus about $4k in regular easy access savings.

      Single, no kids, stable job, but a house and animals that love to light my money on fire. (Spent $30k in the first two years in this house)

    10. I’m pretty risk averse financially, but when I was single and renting it was low ($5-10k) as I rationalized I could move if I lost my job, I had a Roth IRA I could tap as a last resort, etc.

      Now married with a kid, a mortgage, and two high paying jobs that put us more at risk of reorgs, I’m in the process of upping it to $100k which would be about 11 months of expenses. I also generally like to keep $20k in a short term savings account for vacations, home repairs, and annual backdoor Roth contributions. This amount is drawn down and replaced frequently.

    11. I don’t think it’s that high. What if you need to cover a bunch of emergencies at once (lost laptop, expensive last minute travel to a funeral, and dental surgery have happened in a single week for me). What you are missing in interest you gain in peace of mind.

    12. We keep less than many. My husband has excellent job security so we don’t keep 6-12 months of living expenses on hand like many people do. We try to keep about $10k to cover an unexpected home or car repair. We also have significant assets in a 457, which we could access if either of us separates from our employer (voluntarily or involuntarily).

    13. Thank you so much for all of the replies. It is helpful to think about how much I want to keep on hand based on monthly expenses and for a confluence of emergencies (sorry, Anon at 11:26 AM–I hope things get better).

    14. I would either have the CD or the savings account. We keep approximately five months expenses in our savings account, but we have seasonal pay/bonuses, so that also helps smooth out our monthly income.

    15. 25k is totally reasonable. If you said that you kept it in actual cash in the house, then I’d say that was too much. Co-signed, had to explain to my DH how much cash is actually in our house after Fani Willace testified about the cash she had hidden in her house.

    16. $50k in straight emergency savings in a money market and another $100k or so in low risk investments that I’ll spend on all sorts of non-recurring expenses including car replacement, a splurge vacation, future college tuition, etc.

    17. We keep about $30,000 in a dedicated emergency fund in a HYSA. We don’t touch that money. We keep another $40,000 in cash, but that money is earmarked for something (Disney trip in the fall; home repairs, daycare, etc.). As that money is used, we replenish it over time and earmark it for other upcoming expenses. $30,000 would cover our expenses for probably 4 months without any big cuts. We have $500,000 in non-retirement investment accounts, so we would pull from those in an emergency.

  11. Coworker struggles:
    I have an exact same title peer who is nice but…has a couple serious issues.

    1: They seem confused or dazed/out of it a lot. Basic, straightforward questions get borderline word salad answers or off-target answers. Yesterday when I asked her to walk me through Process A I got redirected to a job aid that tangentially mentioned the reason we’re doing Process A. It’s not so much incompetence per se, but it feels like a basic inability to communicate clearly and grasp what people are asking.

    2: She’s the only person who can answer certain questions that I can find. She flagged confidential information in documents and we’re in a remediation process to remove that and adjust the documents. Most of us are relatively new but she’s been here a decade+ so she knows the obscure process which involves multiple tools and is urgent/about compliance so we can’t get it wrong. She keeps volunteering during staff meetings to “help” and then being next to useless on private phone calls/IM (acting baffled that I don’t know this, word salad answers, redirecting to vague job aids, all that stuff).

    I just am at a loss here…my boss is on vacation and I spoke to her stand-in and was given a possible name of an outside helper but the stand-in noted that this person “gets overwhelmed” (which…fine, but don’t frantically flag compliance issues, call meetings, and send out templates and then refuse to help people who are trying to fix it!).

    I’m hoping to find ways to work around but also maybe flag these issues in a diplomatic way for my boss when she returns. My boss had to shout over this same person who was hassling and berating a coworker on a call about this compliance stuff, so I know she’s aware of issues.

    Any help on difficult, flaky/weird/out of it coworkers would be welcome :)

    1. You post a lot about issues with coworkers and I’d suggest stopping to do a little introspection and figure out how to work with other people. The answer is rarely tattling to their boss.

    2. You’ve learned that she’s not a linear thinker who is able to summarize the bottom line, so stop expecting those kinds of communication from her:
      • Never ask her, over Slack/IM, to write out a process for you. Very few people are good at that, and it sounds like she’s not one of them. Pick up the phone and call instead.
      • Don’t ask her to walk you through an entire process. It sounds like she’s not a linear thinker, so she’s never going to be able to give you the clear set of steps that you want to have.
      • Ask her for one piece of information at a time, not a whole set of information. Expect to need to interact with her to get that information. “Interact with her” means “listen to her complain about why things aren’t done right, listen to her emote about how important this is, listen to her talk about how things got this bad,” etc.

    3. If you’re not getting the information you want, try asking direct questions. If the documents she sends aren’t answering your question, it’s fair to point that out and ask where you can find a specific piece of information. When I can’t figure something out, I find it helpful to start my own documentation/notes and show them to the experts, who clutch their pearls and my attempt and then help me write down the correct version of the thing I need.

    4. IIRC, you are somewhat new in this job? Apologies if I’m mixing things up, for some reason this popped into my mind when I read your post. I’m wondering how confident are you that you fully understand the culture around these issues. By culture I mean, the unofficial way that “everybody” knows things get handled – versus whatever job descriptions and the employee manual say.

      As somebody who used to compensate for being a woman in a male-dominated field by being hyper-competent, I remember what it was like being frustrated and impatient with people I perceived as… not hyper-competent. As somebody who’s accepted that society works the way it does and who is now more interested in my own mental health, my suggestion is that you look for ways to decouple your job own performance from this peer’s, and to formalize any collaboration that you are directed to engage in. Anything that moves you even gradually in the direction of “not my circus, not my monkeys” would be great. To the extent that’s not available, can you seek guidance from your boss about how she’d like you to handle any tasks that depend on your peer’s input or require direct collaboration for some other reason?

      Unless I was absolutely certain I understand the politics of the situation, I personally would refrain from flagging the person as an issue to the boss. Rather, I would describe the dynamics in an impersonal way. (“When I’ve done X, Y happened. I tried A, B, and C, with the following mixed results. What are my goals here? And how would you like me to handle going forward?”)

  12. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good lawyer to draft a basic will/guardianship documents in Walnut Creek, CA? Willing to drive to the closest nearby cities, but would prefer to stay in the East Bay. We’re expecting our first and need to get this sorted out – we already have a guardian selected and our last wills were done through some free thing online and surely need some updates. TIA!

    1. We’re in the Bay Area but used Gordon and Gordon in LA and did everything remotely. They made the process really easy and we had complicated issues, too. I’m a lawyer and got them through my network
      https://www.gordontrust.com/

    2. We worked with Karly Schlinkert at Cappelloni Law and were very happy. The firm is in SF, and we are too, but we actually did all meetings via video call and then they set up a mobile notary for us to sign docs.

    3. I’d recommend Liz Barsell of Blackstock & Barsell: 1855 San Miguel Drive, Walnut Creek, (925) 945-8831

  13. What’s the best way to buy a refurbished laptop? A family member needs a very basic Windows OS device for email and spreadsheets for a home budget, and occasional online shopping.

    1. I’ve been happy with Back Market. I bought my refurbished phone there, and have had no issues. My next purchase, a laptop, worked fine for 6 months and then developed hardware issues. There’s a one-year guarantee, so I returned it through a simple process and received a replacement, which is what I’m using now with no issues. I’ve been satisfied with customer service and returns.

      My local mom-and-pop computer repair shop also sells refurbished laptops, and I’d buy from them as well.

    2. You can filter for only refurbished products on Best Buy’s website. I also suggest going to Best Buy in-person and asking if they have any refurbished laptops in the store. That’s what I did last time I needed a laptop and the salesperson helped me find a great deal.

    3. Do they definitely need Windows OS and not a Chromebook? (I only ask because GMail and Google Sheets are fine for a lot of people, and online shopping works on Chrome too.) If there’s some Windows specific thing they need though, Chromebook will be annoying.

      1. This exactly. This is what I use my Chromebook for, plus streaming video. It’s perfect for that. But yes, it was problematic when I needed to prepare a resume and didn’t want to use my work laptop.

      2. +1 this is what I’d get, particularly if they’re unlikely to pay for Office 365 subscription, or if they might want to share the spreadsheet with someone (Google sheets is great for this)

        1. And google docs export as word or pdf, so something like a resume should be fine nowadays

  14. how do you decide when something is too old to be fashionable (if fashionable or not glaringly unfashionable is a criteria for you)? I have a bunch of jersey dresses ( basically made of tshirt,short, either aline or elastic at the waist, sleeves… loft and some from tj maxx, marshalls, all at least 5 years old) that are historically what i have worn to work in the summer. I am mindful that “they” are not showing dresses like this any more but not sure if i’ve tipped into really outdated or just not looking current. I’m OK with not being current. Not really OK with looking wildly dated.

    1. a. if it’s only 5 years old, it can’t be “wildly dated.”
      b. Who is “they,” and what kind of stores or influencers are you using as the benchmark for the kind of look you want? In my world, a 5-year-old t-shirt dress is not noticeable one way or another — neither on trend nor dated. But if you’re in some kind of high-trend cutting edge world (or aspire to be), they might not work for you.
      c. Were these dresses on cutting-edge trend when you bought them, or were they just generally what people were wearing? If they were just generally what people were wearing, a jersey or t-shirt dress is probably still what people are generally wearing for the heat of summer. It’s the things that were strongly on trend that begin to look dated, but it takes longer than 5 years for them to be “wildly” dated, unless you’re on the cutting edge of the latest trends.

      1. From the perspective of someone who owns that dress (although in navy) and a bunch of similar ones from LL Bean, I continue to wear them for remote work days (I spend a lot of time on video), to run errands, and just to generally live life. I would not wear them to have drinks with friends – but then I am 57-years old and while not midwestern, I am a mom who attends church. They are not be what ‘the kids” are wearing these days, but I doubt that anyone other than the snarkiest Gen Z influencer even notices something so blandly inoffensive. I would not buy a new one but I am wearing the ones I have (although I did get rid of all my skinny jeans!)

        1. Hah, I’m wearing this dress in navy today, though I’m working from home (I actually think it’s kind of low cut for the office). Agree I wouldn’t wear it for drinks, but it’s great for WFH days. (I’m a late 30s not midwesterner)

          1. I used my stitch gun to tack the neck to keep it from being too low cut! Works like a charm and easy to do.

    3. That sounds fine for a weekend but not especially polished for an office job, presuming that’s what you do. I’d also question whether a tshirt material dress from Target has held up well enough over five years. That’s probably more the issue than the item itself.

      1. This is exactly where I land. Some items are designed to withstand wear over several years; Target clothes are probably looking worn by then. The colours fade; the material pills; the dress loses its shape.

      2. +1. The older I get the less I buy ‘poly’ or ‘jersey’ material. My mid 40’s body needs fabric that has enough weight/drape to skim and fall nicely and the cheap jersey you get at most stores these days shows everything, runs, pills, and doesn’t hold up well.

    4. i think there’s a fine line between being fashionable, trendy, and stylish. i was just at a conference where one woman was in a skintight sheath dress and 4″ heels — was she trendy? no. but she looked fabulous, polished, and yes, stylish — much more so than someone in a midi dress and sneakers or something.

      when i see women wearing the kind of lands’ end fit & flare dress it’s the same thing – that person always looks well put together and stylish. i think that kind of dress is perpetually in in preppy circles.

      1. I disagree on this being a ‘classic’ preppy staple. If it was a shirt dress in crisp cotton, a denim popover dress, or a true 50’s style wide skirted a-line dress with a defined waist in a good quality fabric, sure.
        The dress linked above is innoffensive but kind of dowdy and I guarantee that a 5-yr old poly blend fabric dress is showing its age.

    5. Those dresses were never quality or fashionable. They were and still are cheap and easy.

  15. My dad is executor of my mom’s estate and is just getting crushed with grief and paperwork. He is asking me to take on tasks and I’m happy to do them. To make it more official, does he need to give me a POA? I’m the backup executor. I am not sure if he needs to talk to the estate attorney to make this work for him.

    1. Check with the estate attorney. If it’s things like cleaning out the house, calling up companies and sending them death certificates, etc, I would assume you don’t need a formal appointment. If he just wants to resign completely, then for sure you’ll need to talk with the attorney.

    2. I’d say it’s context dependent, if there’s a lot of beneficiaries, I’d make sure to get it all legally checked. If it’s just you and your Dad and you’re dealing with her assets that are going to the two of you, I wouldn’t worry about it.

  16. I want to send a text to a friend going through a public scandal and job loss but am struggling to find the right words to say. We don’t text regularly, but it’s not uncommon to send each other a note a couple time a year to check in or share news about our former workplace.

    1. It depends on what it is. If your friend was one of the deans at Columbia, I wouldn’t exactly express sympathy, although I might ask how they’re doing. If it’s a scandal through no fault of their own, that would be a different thing.

      1. There are a lot of situations where I’d rather hear the story from the person I know than from the media though.

      2. I would do something similar – “Hey just thinking of you often right now. if you want to get together, I’d love to do xx with you”

    3. In the same situation (I heard about the scandal on the news), I sent an email saying something like “Sorry that you’re going through this. Thinking of you. Here if you want to talk.”

      1. +1 I think it’s okay to acknowledge that they’re going through something in addition to say you’re thinking of them.

    4. I suggest you avoid referring to any details about the situation in a written text; public scandals often end up in litigation. But it is kind of you to reach out and simply say your friend is in your thoughts and you would be happy to chat by phone if your friend would like. (Hopefully, the public scandal does not involve a risk of a wiretap on your friend’s phones.)

  17. I know this is a petty complaint in the grand scheme of things but I have to get it out to people who understand. I recently had a minor procedure at my doctor’s surgery center. This doctor has been on me a little bit about my weight and BMI. She doesn’t seem to believe me that I exercise as much and as hard as I do, despite the fact that I have plenty of indicators of good heart health including a low heart rate, generally around 40-50 bpm. Well as they’re prepping me for surgery, they hook me up to a bunch of monitors including heart rate. Apparently the monitor thinks you’re dying if your heart rate drops under 45. So the monitor keeps losing its mind and I have to repeatedly tell the nurses, that’s normal for me, I train hard. They keep looking at me quizzically and insisted that something must be wrong with the machine.

    It’s frustrating that the medical profession is so entrenched in fat shaming that they refuse to believe their own machines. They would rather rush a crash cart into the surgery prep area every 5 minutes than just admit that a larger person can have a healthy heart that naturally beats around 45. Harumph.

    1. I hear you. I’ve been told I’d “probably have trouble getting pregnant” with an overweight BMI and had the exact opposite happen (pregnant on the first try every time). There are so many stupid assumptions out there when it comes to being heavier.

    2. Unless you’re on beta blockers and an excellent athlete, that kind of resting heart rate is usually only seen in professional or highly trained amateur athletes. Whatever the issues with your personal doctor, it’s not surprising that the staff assumed a machine error vs a very untypical RHR for anyone let alone a larger person.

      1. Adding that if you’re having issues with your doctor believing you, I’d just make sure you wear your Apple Watch during work outs and show her your stats at the next appointment. Doctors like data.

        1. That’s a good idea, I always wear my Apple Watch during workouts and to track my sleep habits. Asleep my RHR is around 40, I push myself over 180 while exercising so idk if that works against me.

          No beta blockers. I just lift and run and cycle a lot. I lift with a friend who does it competitively. She’s trying to get me to join her in competitions but I don’t think I’d feel very comfortable in those itty bitty outfits… ever but especially at my size. It’s fun to cheer her on though!

          1. 40 while asleep is a normal rate. That’s not particularly low and your RHR while asleep is not the same an awake RHR.

            It’s hard to know if 180 is a safe heart rate without knowing your age. Your target heart rate is 50-85% of your max safe heart rate which is 220 minus your age. Target 50% range for people who are just starting to work out so they can focus on form and avoid injury. But you’ve been working out for a while so higher is likely fine.

            I’ve been a variety of weights and activity levels. Post age 40, I listen to my joints more than the scale. That’s where I notice the extra weight first. Higher impact sports are going to be ones where extra weight is tough on the joints, lower impact sports have more flex.

          2. My heart rate at the doctors office is always higher than normal and I’ve told/shown them what my apple watch says and they’ve gone with that for a resting heart rate.

        1. +1

          Agree with this. Give your clinical team some grace. It is abnormal to have a heart rate in the 40s. It just is. Its great you can tolerate it, but many people cannot and have pacemakers placed for that. So if your new nurses, that have never met you before, are concerned, well this is appropriate. Because when you are lying down, sedated, having a procedure, your heart rate can easily drop more. So they are rightfully concerned, because they may need to dose your meds differently. They are trying to make sure you don’t die, you know?

          So it is helpful when you can warn the Nurses/anesthesia ahead of time about your heart rate, and what precautions (if any) were needed in the past. And even better if your referring doctor documents this. They are not going to be reassur.ed by an Apple watch.

          Honestly you could argue in court it is malpractice if they didn’t act concerned.

      3. My RHR is between 42 and 46. I have been an athlete for many, many years, although not a pro or anything like that.

        1. that would make you a ‘highly trained amateur’ no?

          OP’s original post was vague on her exercise level other than that her doctor didn’t believe how ‘hard’ she exercises but ‘hard’ is pretty vague. A ‘hard’ run for me is 5 road miles but my DH does triathlons and he’d describe that as a quick spin after dinner.

    3. I’m sorry; I really wish that more doctors would drop the pseudoscience of applying BMI to individuals in the first place. It’s just embarrassing at this point and definitely undermines trust. I also sometimes wish I could just sign something that says I accept any liability that comes from my doctors believing me about my symptoms!

      1. Thanks. In fairness, by any measure I’m overweight, I’m just not as unhealthy as they make me out to be. I wish they would accept that it is possible to be overweight (because I eat too much for my stature) and also have very healthy diet and exercise habits. Not everyone who is over 25 BMI or 35% body fat has extra body fat because they’re sitting around eating chips and fast food all day. I’m short and I don’t want to limit myself to the 1400 calories/day that my body can burn. And when I train hard I’m hungrier, which means I eat back those calories. If I have a dinner that’s 1000 calories of chicken, kale, farro, and olive oil, that’s still more calories than my body can use, even though that’s a well-balanced meal.

        1. 1000 calories of chicken and farro is like almost 2 lbs of chicken and 2 cups of farro. That’s a lot of food for one person in one meal. That’s not a doctor misunderstanding your diet. That’s not a healthy portion size.

          1. What? 1000 calories of chicken, farro, and kale dressed in olive oil would be one cup of farro and less than half a roast chicken if we’re including the skin. Where on earth are you getting four pounds of food from?

          3. I literally said less than half a roast chicken? My husband and I split a roast chicken for dinner once a week and neither of us have gotten fat doing it (I’ve actually been losing some weight, and I’m 5’2″). Why do you think that’s a ridiculous portion size?

          5. Hopefully you’re not talking about a Costco rotisserie chicken.
            It is true those grocery store ones can be quite small.

        2. People who sit and eat chips all day also deserve respect from their doctors and to not have assumptions made about their health.

        3. This is kind of where I’ve landed too. I’ll eat healthy and exercise (a lot) but eating the 1200 calories needed to lose weight is not happening. Nutritionists have told me “oh you dont need to eat that little” but data doesn’t lie, and I’ve tracked it, its what is necessary.

          1. I literally don’t understand how any active women can eat 1,200 calories a day and thrive (and I know the science doesn’t support their thriving either). I’d be chewing my hand off by 3:00 pm and I wouldn’t be able to sleep with my stomach rumbling. I’d be irritable and snappy and miserable to be around.

          2. I don’t think an adult person can eat 1,200 calories a day without entering starvation mode. I am small and if I go below 1,800 calories I cannot function, much less lose weight.

          3. Where does this 1200 number come from? Anyone I know aims around 1600/1800 to lose weight initially then down to 1400/1600 then around 1600-1800 to maintain depending on activity level. Being aware but not obsessed with calorie counts is a good way to maintain. It’s so easy to eat a 1200 wrap from a take away place in 5 mins.

          4. For my height and activity level, 1600 is maintenance. So to lose weight it would have to be at least around 1300.

          5. I think a lot depends on how big you are. I exercise for an hour a day, but am otherwise pretty sedentary during the week (WFH desk job) and my fitbit says I burn around 1800 calories a day, so if I wanted to lose weight I’d have to be eating quite a bit less than that. I’m only 5’3″ (and not trying to lose weight so I’ve never closely tracked calories to know what I’m actually eating). I assume I’d burn more if I was taller or heavier, and obviously if I didn’t spend most of the day tied to my computer. I agree 1200 calories would be hard, though.

    4. 1. That sucks. I really hate that medical culture is that way (both the fat shaming and the lack of trust that people know their own bodies!).
      2. Holy cow, that really is an impressively low heart rate! I train hard, but apparently have a naturally fast heart rate (when I wasn’t training normal for me was in the high 80s, now it’s in the high 60s). Good for you!

      1. I would switch doctors if my doctor did not believe me. Trust is important in a medical relationship.

    5. It’s so frustrating. I am a teetotalling vegetarian who exercises regularly, have low blood pressure and no signs of metabolic disease. But every doctor I see gives me the side eye, asks if I’m eating well, and their computer generated post appointment instructions always say to lose weight. I’m interviewing a new doctor next week and praying she won’t be yet another fat loathing pusher of diet pills.

      1. Honestly, my friend group has had a harder time weight wise when vegan/vegetarian. Sometimes high protein meat meals can just be more satiating, and the type of calorie source can lead to more / less weight gain. One lifelong close vegan friend had the hardest time weight wise, and didn’t eat junk food, but her diet was carb heavy and she was a great cook and enjoyed food. She has struggled with weight her whole life. But my other vegan close friend is totally malnourished. She is not a great cook, so didn’t enjoy eating and didn’t exercise, and is frail and so unhealthy. Both friends were severely B12 and calcium deficient, as getting all nutrients can be harder on more restricted diets.

        1. This scares me to read. Getting B12 from a vegan diet is strictly speaking impossible since it’s not naturally occurring in plant based foods. Vegans and vegetarians who don’t eat dairy or eggs regularly are universally advised to supplement daily with a complete form of B12 to prevent deficiency from developing. I do have a family member who believes some pseudoscience about B12 not being an essential nutrient so I know sometimes people believe strange things and don’t follow the recommendation.

        2. Why on earth would you think in response to this thread that yet more unsolicited diet advice would be helpful?

    6. It’s frustrating. My old doctor had me wear a halter monitor overnight before an outpatient surgery to document my resting heartrate.

    7. Ahh medical fatphobia.
      BMI is a godawful measure of health (for example, BMI correlates with likelihood of heart disease for white people, but doesn’t for people of color), and doesn’t account for muscularity, body type etc and that people with overweight have lower risks of dying than people with non-overweight. There’s significant evidence that activity is a better measure of health than body weight, yet the medical profession still relies on BMI.

    8. If you can, consider switching doctors. The heart rate issue is understandable, but that your doctor is still pushing BMI bullshit on you says volumes about how up to date she is on medical knowledge.

  18. What do I wear to golf? It’s with friends not work so I don’t have to be super buttoned up, but I want to look like I belong there. I have a couple of athleta skorts (they look like skirts but have shorts underneath) but I’m struggling with the top. I do not own or look good in polo shirts. I have a large bust and short neck, so anything collared makes me look top heavy. Suggestions?

  19. Play a game with me…. let’s assume you’re going to war with a family member who you cannot go no contact with, and it’s going to be nothing but passive aggressive bitchiness from here on out. What are the funniest most passive aggresive things you can think to do that don’t involve real harm? I’m thinking like having a super ugly sculpture delivered to their house for christmas…

    1. I just wouldn’t do this? Why create negative emotional energy or spend money you could do something else with? I’d rather go buy a friend dinner than send an ugly sculpture to someone.

      2. +1. Venting is one thing but dedicating significant time and resources to planning how to be a jerk is another.

      3. Agree. It also has a way of spilling over into unrelated things. If the war is about, say, dividing an estate and the family member is passive aggressive about it, expect that ugly sculptures will only escalate the underlying issue.

    2. I wouldn’t do anything if you’re actually fighting, to be honest. Friendly fighting is another game. For example, I have put truck nuts on my brother’s car.

    3. Forgetting their important news. So you have to meet with the lawyers to settle the estate and suggest the first day of their vacation. Basically anything that indicates they are so insignificant to you, it’s hard to remember anything they tell you.

      That and glitter letters.

    4. A very, very glittery holiday card. With extra glitter in the envelope. To be extra festive.

    5. I have a couple of friends who really don’t like each other, but one has been very good friends with the other’s husband forever. So they have to see each other and be cordial at things. The one friend gave the other a swifter package for her bridal shower (“I use mine all the time and I just thought you would need that!”), and then a year later the other returned the favor with something very similar (“I know you love this for a gift!”). It’s very ridiculously passive aggressive and hilarious for those in the peripheral.

      It’s way too much drama for me to be personally involved in, but I’m here to hear all about it.

    6. Nothing. Life is too short and you don’t get the head space or time or money or energy back.

      1. +1. I’m not the kind of person who believes in vibes, but this is just bad vibes and I’d wouldn’t want to waste my energy on this kind of thing.

    7. If they have kids I would make sure to give them the loudest, messiest gifts ever. Think Melissa and Doug musical instruments, slime making kits, bath bomb supplies, make your creepy crawler critters oven, allllll the play dough, etc.

    8. I have a few relatives that I cannot stand, who have done things I think are rephrensible, and with whom I have no personal relationship but I am not no contact for greater familial peace … and I would never go out of my way to be passive aggressive or b!tchy to them. I am cordial to them when I see them (which is pretty frequent) and keep our conversations limited to short, small talk conversations with no substance. Then I move on and find someone I actually want to talk to. There’s no need to add any fuel to a fire – life is short, don’t waste your time being passive aggressive just move on.

      2. Yes. Any “funny” (mean) stunts are just going to make you look bad, OP.

    9. – sign her up to all the junk mail, magazine, email subscriptions you can think of. The more bizarre the better. Including the opposing political party.
      – if she has a complex relationship with a family member who doesn’t live nearby, get her gifts to events in their hometown. Nail salon, garden membership – things that can only be used in that town and that generally you’d invite others to
      – if she likes sports, tickets to the rival team’s game or tickets with an obstructed view. If she hates sports, tickets to any game
      – concert tickets to a genre she hates
      – if she’s pregnant or experiencing some health issue that will prevent her from drinking, send her a bottle of her favorite wine “to enjoy later”

      1. God, all of these are such a waste of time and money. And none of them are going to be perceived as the “gotcha” you think they are.

        1. +1, plus wasting paper with the first idea. Just, grow up and focus on something else in your life.

    10. honestly? I forget the source of the quote “the oppos- te of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference” but I have always agreed with it.

      1. I’m hoping it’s someone engaging in a creative writing exercise or similar. Life is way too short to do these things.

      2. yeah this is truly awful. I can’t believe people are actually responding.

        My aunt / godmother (who is my parents neighbor!) and I are not on speaking terms. So we just don’t speak. No need to be mean or childish about it.

    13. I don’t particularly like all of my family members, and I’m a litigator, but “going to war with a family member” is not something that would ever cross my mind. Disengage.

    14. I think you should invest in therapy…. for you. Your multiple posts show us clearly what you already know – you can’t change your sister. You can only change how you respond to her. You haven’t been able to come up with healthy coping methods on your own. That’s common. Why not get some help?

  20. Thank you to whomever suggested the On Gossamer panties a few weeks ago. I ordered a few pairs and they are ridiculously comfortable.

    1. You go to a bar or other venue (but a bar is more fun!) with some friends. Everyone brings a book of their choosing and you sit there and read your own books but you’re there together.

      I haven’t done one, but a friend just posted pics of one she attended and it looked so fun!

    3. That was me! There is an official “silent book club” (my city has a local chapter as well as other unofficial ones) and they organize meetings at a brewery or coffee shop or whatever for a couple hours. One portion of the time is for reading, the other portion is for chatting about what you’re reading or discussing books or chitchatting. It’s extremely low key!

      Other events have included author readings, book talks and signings, and workout classes all with a portion of the event dedicated to reading on your own. Super fun!

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