Coffee Break: Tassel Leather Hobo

minkoff-tassel-hoboHuh: I am not usually a red leather bag kind of girl, but I am drooling over this lipstick red leather bag from Rebecca Minkoff.  It’s highly rated, has a magnetic snap at the opening (no zipper, alas), and I like the “retro-cool” tassel. It’s $295, available in a tan “almond” and black, at Nordstrom; Zappos also has a light gray “putty” color, and Amazon has a navy, antique white, and a patchwork version. ‘Isobel’ Tassel Leather Hobo



  1. Yay! I think I would like to get this bag, even tho the manageing partner will ONLEY reimburse for a bag that can carry my MACBOOK AIR. FOOEY! Does any one in the hive have a manageing partner that will pay for this bag?

  2. Not the Grinch but not Loaded Either :

    I’m looking to pare back my Christmas spending. I don’t want to go full on home made, but last year I spent about $250 each on Mom/Dad/Sis and another $100 each on three friends, plus smaller gifts, hosting a big party, holiday tips etc.

    Obviously there’s tons of advice on cutting things out and just not doing it, but I’d really like to keep a sense of festive abundance and overindulgence, just at 30% off. Anyone have tips on scaling back subtly?

    • Anonymous :

      Don’t browse for gifts at high-end stores. Limit yourself to browsing stores that don’t carry lux items.

    • Can you do a group gift for Mom/Dad/Sis? Tickets to a show as a family or a family experience of some sort? Talk to the three friends about moving from gifts to an experience. Years ago I switched over to just doing a nice dinner out with each friend and we’d go dutch on the bill. Spending time together was worth so much more than the gift.

      • Not the Grinch but not Loaded Either :

        We are all “thing” people- since we get to spend a ton of time together already.

        • Fair enough. Do you find that you tend to compile a lot of smaller things together and end up spending $250 or is it usually one big gift? If you are doing multiple smaller items, return one item when compiling the final gift. If you’re picking up one larger item, commit to only pulling the trigger when you can get a discount via coupon code, etc. Google is your friend in the checkout aisle or while online shopping.

          One tip I hear earlier this year was when you’re shopping, always remove one item from your cart in the checkout aisle.

          • Not the Grinch but not Loaded Either :

            Ohhh. Yes, compiler. And getting rid of the last “thing” is going to really help!

          • My Mom is a basket person, so every year I’ll find a basket and then fill it with her favorite things. Starting with a smaller basket is also a great way to subtly buy fewer items to fill it.

          • Just wanted to say, I LOVE basket gifts!!

          • I was just at Marshalls after not having been there in ages and I was thinking of basket type gifts. There are a lot of really inexpensive but fun things that I would love to receive as a gift. Kitchen stuff and bath and body were the categories I thought were great deals.

      • lawsuited :

        Another way of doing a group gift is clubbing together with other family members to get one great gift for each. E.g. You and your sister each contribute $125 for a total $250 budget for your mom and for your dad, and then you downgrade your sister’s budget to $125 or so. You’ve saved $375 right there! For my family, I limit myself to one big gift, or two smaller gifts, but don’t go beyond that. For friends, I always only get one gift. Getting someone 4 or 5 or 6 different things is how you lose track of what you’ve spent and go over-budget.

    • Anonymous :

      Why don’t you come up with a budget that you’re willing to spend for different categories/people, and then shop at sales?

    • Anonymous :

      Go for really personalized gifts. Like last year, I got my dad a portrait of a dog (that looked exactly like our dog) on Etsy, and I found a vintage edition of one of my mom’s favourite books also on Etsy. They didn’t cost that much but they were very appreciated because they were personal and thoughtful.

      • This. For family, I’ve started going through archives of family photos & making new digital versions of them, getting images framed and giving those as gifts. Going the sentimental route is a lot less expensive & hopefully more meaningful.

  3. I have a bright red leather bag that i love. the only downside is accidentally wearing green with it.

  4. Anon for This :

    I’m currently taking medication for anxiety and OCD, the latter of which is relatively mild and the former of which is – who knows. I’ve always been functional but can’t pretend it doesn’t affect my life and happiness. This was recommended to me by a therapist and psychiatrist, and I can’t deny it’s improved my quality of life significantly. So in that sense, it’s a no-brainer.

    The problem is I’m, apparently, easily influenced by the slew of articles and books and websites that argue that you shouldn’t be taking medication unless there’s no other choice and you’re unable to function in life, that it’s all being pushed on us by Big Pharma, and that women’s feelings are medicated by society. I know I’m asking something kind of vague and unuseful, but how do I become more comfortable with this? Is there something more nuanced I can read? Is it purely a matter of trust and gut instinct?

    No worries, I’m not going to go off meds and certainly not without talking to my doctor. But I could use the perspectives here.

    • Anonymous :

      Why are you reading that $h!t?!? Your doctor recommended it, it is helping. Ask in therapy for tools to disengage from quacks on the internet peddling their own fantasies.

      • For reals. Store-bought brain chemicals are just as valid as naturally occurring brain chemicals.

    • New Tampanian :

      That is actually a symptom of your OCD and anxiety. Recognize that and tell yourself that you are doing what trained professionals tell you will work best.

      • Anonymous :

        This is so true. You are having anxiety about taking your anti-anxiety meds. Just relax about it. No judging. If it helps your quality of life then take it.

        • Anon for This :

          I think your both are 100% correct. Thanks for the reality check.

          And thanks to all who answered.

    • MargaretO :

      Stop reading those articles. That is absolutely not a feminist perspective. Mental health problems are real and serious health issues that deserve serious medical treatment – you would think that someone suggesting that you were “overmedicating female pain” if you took painkillers for period cramps was a quack, right? The people who write articles like this are quacks. The end. Suffering is not a feminist act.

    • Anonymous :

      Dude. This isn’t the 1800s when we were hospitalized for hysteria. There are very real legitimate medical reasons to take medication.

    • I hear you about not wanting to take lots of medicine but if you need it, you need it! I’ve been taking meds for a similar diagnosis for over 10 years. By leveling out whatever chemical imbalance occurs “naturally” they enable me to function effectively.

    • Leaving Law in 41 days. :

      So, I also have anxiety and have taken medication for it.

      Here’s the thing. Yes, society does medicate women’s emotions. And that is wrong. So wrong.

      But, if you are in a high powered, stressful career with long hours and crazy requirements, you do have to be a machine. This expectation applies to both men and women. For many of us, this means medicating away our emotions so we can operate at a high level.

      Yes, this is toxic and not long-term sustainable. Short term, yes, take all the medications (I was on a dozen prescriptions, including 3 anti-depressants at one point). This is what your body needs to perform at the level that you are performing at. Other people need triathlons, alcohol and/or cocaine. You need some psychiatric vitamins. It’s not a big deal.

      Long term, make a plan to get out of the high stress career and do something you love. Save an “F-you” fund, read a career guide, do some CBT, make a wishlist, do informational interviews, go back to school. Just have a plan to leave.

    • lawsuited :

      I have generalized anxiety but am high-functioning so have not been diagnosed with a disorder and have not been prescribed medication. I have attended CBT to improve coping mechanisms, which has been sufficient for me to live a functional and happy life. If you haven’t tried CBT, I highly recommend it. If you have already tried that, and find that it hasn’t improved your life as much as medication has, then keep taking the medication! If it’s recommended by your doctors (so not harmful) and helps you live a happier life, then keep doing it.

      • lawsuited :

        Sorry, I should clarify that I have been offered medication, but opted to try CBT first, and seeing as that was helpful the medication route wasn’t explored further.

    • lost academic :

      I had a great doctor who, about a medication I took as needed and wasn’t fond of feeling like I needed, pointed out dryly that I wore glasses, right? (Yes). Well, how is this really any different? It was an excellent perspective and that one comment helped me a lot.

  5. Anonymous for this post :

    My fiancé didn’t vote for Clinton. It wasn’t because of sexism because he voted for Jill Stein, but he says he couldn’t stomach her (Clinton’s) corruption. I know he didn’t vote for Trump but we live in Michigan so he might as well have. The vote difference in our state was so close (around 13,000 the last time I checked) and I know it’s irrational and one vote doesn’t matter but I can’t help but feel upset. He doesn’t see it as a big deal and he says I’m overreacting but all I can think of since last Tuesday is what could have been. Our relationship is feeling the strain and I don’t know what to do about it. Just needed to vent, thanks.

    • Anonymous :

      Wait you think voting for Jill Stein because of Clinton’s “corruption” isn’t sexist? Lmao. It’s easy to be “pro-woman who has no chance of actual power.” It’s much harder to be pro woman who might actually win.

      • Plus the very idea that Clinton is corrupt comes from decades of sexist messaging about her from both the right and left.

      • +1000. That’s like saying you’re not racist because you have a black friend. Bullsh*t.

        Also: it’s just irresponsible to vote for a 3rd party candidate in a swing state. I am all for changing our system but when you’re faced with a two party system and this type of election, this is not the year to make a point about wanting more options. I would have more respect for an actual Trump supporter who made a considered decision to shake up the status quo or that he cares more about the supreme court than the next four years, etc. Ugh. I’m mad at your boyfriend. I can only imagine how you feel.

      • You know that voting for someone and ignoring their flaws because of their is a really stupid and counter-productive reason. I wouldn’t want to be coddled because of my gender. But of course OP’s fiancé must be a horrible sexist woman hater, because as we’ve all seen that label applies to everyone who doesn’t fall all over themselves in awe of the great Hillary.

      • Anonymous for this post :

        You called it. He campaigned for the first woman who ran for and one president of the union he is in. He did all the housework and chores after work so I would have extra time to study for the bar exam. He switched churches because the one he grew up in prohibited women clergy and his current church has a female pastor. But he is a total sexist who hates women being in power.

        (Things with him are strained but I don’t appreciate him being called a sexist and picked apart when that’s not the issue)

        • I’m confused as to what sort of response you were expecting here…?

        • Anonymous :

          Eyeroll. Sorry the Internet doesn’t know your whole precious history. I’m glad he’s mostly a good dude. He also just made a breathtakingly privileged statement about how amazing it is to be a man that he doesn’t need to fear the coming fascist state and has the luxury of nurturing his precious man feelings.

          • So it’s okay for us to assume OP’s fiancé is sexist with one piece of information, but it’s not okay for her to correct assumptions based on that one piece of information?

          • all about eevee :

            She can correct assumptions all she wants, and we will judge her accordingly. That’s how life works.

        • all about eevee :

          Then, you probably should have never written about it on this website.

        • Well, that’s great, but he’s obviously still flawed. What kind of answers are you looking for here?

    • Why do we categorize all people who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton as terrible people? I did vote for Hillary but I’m slightly alarmed that we now suddenly think so much differently of people based on who they did or did not vote for? Could it be that they really did like Jill Stein or Gary Johnson or the 8 other candidates who made the ballot? Or maybe they are concerned about Supreme Court justice nominations or being pro/against another important (to the individual voter) issue out there. I think healthy discussion about who and WHY they voted for one person or another is key instead of just writing people off. FWIW, I have had many lively discussions in the past week with Trump and Clinton supporters and I’m trying to understand. From what I’m hearing from those I’ve talked to, it has nothing do with Hillary being female or ‘corrupt’ as to why she didn’t get their votes.

      • Anonymous :

        Because someone who apparently supports progressive values, because they voted for Stein, but didn’t prioritize keeping a man who wants to ban Muslims from entering the country, IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.

      • My husband voted for Jill Stein from a non-swing-state. There are legitimate reasons to vote for people besides Clinton.

        • Anonymous :

          And her fiancé lives in a swing state, so that’s nice for you and completely irrelevant.

          • No, it isn’t. There are still legitimate reasons to vote for Jill Stein. You need to understand that unless you think you’re always right and everyone else is always wrong.

          • Anonymous :

            Really? Like what? What was a legitimate reason to vote for someone with no experience and no chance of winning instead of speaking out against hatred white supremacy and fascism as loudly as possible by voting for the only person capable of stopping him?

            I don’t think everyone who disagrees with me is wrong, but I sure do think Jill Stein and her supporters are some of the most selfish ignorant privileged fools out there.

          • all about eevee :

            What in the world are they? Isn’t she the one who is afraid of wireless?

        • Anonymous :

          Your husband voted for Trump.

          There are legitimate reasons to vote for a third party candidate but not in this current electoral system.

        • Jill Stein’s slogan was “don’t let the lesser evil spoil the greater good” – how does trump winning in any way help the greater good? If you’re in a swing state this is just plain irresponsible. I would love a multi party system. I would have loved to have voted for someone I get all the positive feels about like Elizabeth Warren, but the choices in our system were Trump or HRC. Voting 3rd party or not voting is still voting for one of the two in the end result. There are ways to voice your support for third parties without throwing away your vote. I voted for HRC on the working families party line so that they would continue to get public funding (assuming enough people did the same).

          I think Ethan Coen summed it up well in his Times Thank You Notes Op-Ed this weekend:

          Jill Stein voters: You helped elect a man who pledges that he will, in his first hundred days, cancel contributions to United Nations programs to fight climate change. If your vote for Ms. Stein did not end up advancing your green agenda, it did allow you to feel morally superior to all the compromising schmoes who voted for Hillary Clinton. And your feelings about your vote are more important than the consequences of your vote. So — thank you!

      • This so much. There are reasons to oppose the presidency of Hilary Clinton besides sexism. It is not helpful to characterize everyone who disagrees with us as a bad person.

        • +1000. Let’s not contribute to the divisiveness, people.

        • Anonymous :

          Are there? Really? She was the only option avaliable who wouldn’t actually appoint white supremacists to key positions in the White House. So I hear a lot about these so-called “important reasons” people had but very little about why those special special reasons were more important than “not fascism please” or “actually bigotry isn’t an acceptable platform.”

          • Anonymous :


            And these 3rd party votes are always from someone who won’t actually be inconvenienced by Trump. It’s a luxury.

          • Senior Attorney :


          • I voted for Gary Johnson. My state was going for HRC regardless of my actions. Johnson wasn’t going to win and my vote was to signal the RNC that small government candidates should be promoted. As a fiscal conservative, I disagree with HRC on many issues and was very reluctant to vote for her, especially when it wouldn’t matter. I’m also very disturbed by her cavalier handling of classified material. No, she shouldn’t have been prosecuted but she should have taken security much, much more seriously. I feel very comfortable with my third party vote.

          • Anonymous :

            anon @5:04pm, I am with you. This is the first time I voted for the 3rd party, and my state voted Democrat anyway.
            I am disgusted by men getting a pass on illegal or unethical activities, but the notion that HRC should have been forgiven similar transgressions just because she could have been the first female POTUS in history is just wrong.

        • all about eevee :

          Sorry, but I have no respect for this position, anon. It is time we acknowledge the fact that a lot of the messaging that we have received about Hillary Clinton over the past twenty years has been blatantly misogynist.

          • Even in the early 1990s, up to 93% of voters said they would vote for a female president. Not all of her unpopularity can be attributed to sexism and the more that everyone here ignores the fact that she was deeply, deeply unpopular long before Trump was serious, the more people feel unheard. Not every progressive finds it easy to support a center-right hawk with scandal after scandal to her name and extremely questionable practices to sideline the other Democratic candidate this year. We just learned what happened when people feel unheard; take heed.

          • Anonymous :

            I don’t give a rats ass if progressives found it easy to support her. If they didn’t, may they rot in the hell of our country’s ruins.

          • all about eevee :

            Actually, yes, the Republicans obsession with Hillary is based on sexism, and it has been so throughout all of the purported scandals dreamed up by Cliff Jackson and other anti-Clintonites. All of the attention that has been paid to her by her enemies has been heavily gendered from the get go. I think it is interesting that so many people refuse to acknowledge that.

            Also, I know a lot of people loved Bernie Sanders, but let’s be real. Donald Trump ran on a platform of populist white supremacy and the country largely bought it. Sanders is a socialist Jew – it is clear that he would have lost this election as well.

          • Bernie would have beat Trump. A lot of us said so at the time and the pundits are finally catching up now.

          • WestCoast Lawyer :

            Anon @ 4:14, I’m curious as to where that statistic comes from, but assuming for a minute that it’s accurate, I think the problem is that a lot of people fall all over themselves to say “oh, of course I would vote for a woman for president if xyz” but somehow that “perfect” candidate never arises. And yet, we continue to overwhelmingly elect men who are far short of the ideals we require of our female candidates. If 93% of voters were truly supportive of having a woman for president in 1990 we would have seen one by now.

          • Anonymous :

            Mmmmm. Sure he would have. He couldn’t even win the primary. He’s a socialist. I think he’d have made it impossible for any republican to cross the aisle.

          • all about eevee :

            That is complete and total BS, and you know it. We would still end up with the same result we have today if Bernie had won the primary. The issue is that, by and large, this country voted in favor of white supremacy and against marginalized groups. Bernie is a member of a marginalized group, and his Jewishness would have also been made a major issue.


          • Anonymous :

            Anon at 4:14, there’s a big difference between a voter saying hypothetically they would vote for a woman and a voter actually voting for a woman. Plenty of voters have unconscious, internalized biases that would allow them to think they would vote for a woman in the abstract, but that would affect their choices in a real life application. “I’d vote for a woman, but this particular woman is too shrill/bossy/unpleasant/something something emails.”

          • Absolutely no he would not have beat Trump. There was a great piece in Newsweek about why thinking Bernie would have beat Trump is the exact type of fabrication that helped us get to where we are today. I just read it via a FB link and I can’t find it now. I will share the link – it’s eye opening (and I voted for HRC).

          • I’ll read your Newsweek articles, but there are plenty of others saying that Bernie would have won, including the Washington Post, the Independent, and Huffington Post.

          • all about eevee :

            Feel free to continue to bury your head in the sand about what this election means about how people feel about marginalized groups, including Jewish people.

          • anon-oh-no :

            Again, this. People saying they would vote for a female does not mean there isn’t sexism at play. All of the “reasons” people didn’t like Clinton are the result of sexism. literally all of them.

          • No, not “literally of them” are sexist reasons. I’m a radical feminist and even I don’t believe that. It is perfectly reasonable and acceptable to not approve of HRC’s stance on the Iraq war, taxation, student loans, Wall Street, or any other policy position. It’s called being a critical thinker.

          • Anonymous :

            Sorry but I have no respect for people that cannot see Ms. Clinton was a very flawed candidate, and the second least popular candidate ever. Not messaging, she just has a lot of downsides. I refuse to vote for someone just because she is a woman. I can make up my own mind.

          • Anonattorney :

            She wasn’t the second least popular candidate. Votes are still being counted. Projections have her winning more votes than any candidate in recent history, except for Obama. She will win more votes than McCain, Romney, and Trump.

      • Preach

    • Anonymous :

      OP – you are the one who ultimately has to live with him. I would use this as an opportunity to explore how you handle conflict/strain as a couple. I don’t love the idea that he thinks you are overreacting – you are allowed to feel your feelings without having them dismissed. Is he going to dismiss your input/feelings everytime you guys disagree? How does his reaction here compare to other disagreements you’ve had?

    • Baconpancakes :

      Ok, so as vehemently as I dislike the idea that your fiancé voted for Jill Stein in Michigan, I assume you don’t want to call off the marriage, and I see that no one has actually given you any advice regarding that.

      So – he needs to sit down and really, really listen to what you’re going to say, not interrupt you, and wait until you’re entirely finished talking to respond. You need to tell him how if he and a very small number of people had acted differently in this election, we would have our first female President-elect and could start making memes about Stepdad Kaine instead of clinging to our Wacky Uncle Joe memes in the face of the horror of Mike Pence, the guy who will outlaw the X-men and start the mutant wars. You need to be honest and clear and explain that his actions indirectly contributed to this dumpster fire of an election, and explain to him that you feel like his vote was a vote against you because we’re about to have an administration that is breathtakingly disrespectful towards women, and again, emphasize that he contributed to that problem. He needs to take personal responsibility, and apologize. Clearly he wasn’t for Trump’s policies. But there was a huge thing that he could’ve done that was so incredibly, wildly easy, and he didn’t do it. And you, and African-Americans, Americans with pre-existing conditions, gay and lesbian couples, transgender Americans, Muslim Americans, immigrants, Americans with mental health disorders, Americans living below the poverty line, and women everywhere are going to pay for his decision.

      (Obviously use your own words. That’s what I would say.)

  6. Everyday necklace :

    Can anyone help me find a white gold or even sterling silver everyday necklace? I want something so simple, but I’m having a hard time finding it. I want an 18” diamond or cz single pendant, and a longer pendant necklace with no gemstones. I’m replacing an old necklace gold-plated necklace that I usually wear daily, but this is surprisingly difficult to find. Any recommendations? Budget is up to $1,500 for a BIFL piece, otherwise $100-$200 or so. Thanks!

    • Anonymous :

      Tiffany has sterling silver pieces and lots of interesting necklaces.

      • Everyday necklace :

        I looked there previously, but the only thing they had that I liked was the sterling locket, and $550 is a lot for that. Catbird has it for $110 total, I may do that instead.

    • I had my mom’s engagement ring diamond (a smallish stone) set in a beautiful bezel at a local jewelry store for about $300 and put it on a delicate white gold chain that I already had. I wear it a lot – it’s just a basic.

    • Anonymous :

      Google “18K Sterling Silver Swarovski Infinity Y Necklace”. I bought it off Groupon for a ridiculous price and it’s real silver, fits my thick neck, and looks great with a variety of necklines. It’s delicate, but pops enough for people to notice and compliment.
      Not saying this is a solution, but you can wear this happily, while searching for a holy grail necklace.

    • Check out vraiandoro . com

      Very pretty classic pieces.

  7. Anonomosaurus :

    Posting here because I don’t have anyone IRL to vent to.

    I’m a democrat in a a blue-ish city in a very red, non swing state. My SO just won his first election as a democrat in said city. I helped him win, and I truly think he’ll do a good job. However, on election night, Trump winning was like a wet blanket on all of the celebrations and I went to a smaller gathering of other current elected officials/strategists (all dems) where two men who are very well respected made some horrible, sexist remarks. I have worked for, fought for and believed that these men were better than that, but the curtain was pulled back locally, just as it was on a national level on Tuesday night.

    Now, I’m being accused of not being happy enough/chipper to “celebrate” with my SO. I feel i’m in mourning, not because Trump won, but because the “good guys” who were supposed to be fighting at a local level are not any better than the other side, who just say these things out in the open. I feel I’m having an identity crisis and feel guilty for not being happier for my SO for being elected, but I hate he has to be around these men who only see women as token objects or things to be used. I’m just pissed off at this entire situation, especially when I watched a lot of really good female candidates lose because the old boys club wouldn’t support them as much as the young male candidates. I don’t know what to say to my SO to help him understand what I’m going through. He gets defensive because these are his friends, and now, co-workers. I’m not asking him to not be cordial or polite, nor am I planning to not be nice to these men, but I don’t want to be involved as much as I did before all of these events took place.

    • Anonymous :

      Your SO won an election. Two men said sexist things. Pull it together!!! Be happy!! A good guy won!! Men were sexist before, they’ll be sexist forever. You can’t let that stop you living your life.

    • Your SO is part of the solution. Good democrats holding positions at all levels helps. If you would have liked more women to have a position you’re SO can’t really turn into one (well I guess technically he could) but maybe from his position and with his experience he will be able to help other aspiring politicians, male and female alike?

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Perhaps you can look at it as your SO now getting the chance to be an example to these other 2. He’ll be in the best position to shit down that kind of talk when it comes up again.

    • I won my election in a very blue state. I wanted nothing more than to be elected along with the first woman president. We had our gathering at a place that had a 72 inch screen television so we could all celebrate Clinton’s win. As grateful as I am for the win, it was the most depressing celebratory night (I’ve heard others who won describe it as celebrating your birthday on 9/11).

  8. In light of recent conversations, I’ve been thinking that maybe we need new words for racist and sexist. When these -isms used to be more explicit (e.g., “I think X people are inferior” or “Y isn’t qualified to do A, B, C”), it was obvious what it was and easier to call it out. But now it’s so much more implicit and subtle. And these words are so loaded that I think we’ve gotten to the point that many people have just stopped listening because the words don’t correlate with how they perceive themselves and so are easily rejected. I am not trying to justify this or be kinder and gentler to misogynists but just strategically – I think there needs to be a new way of talking about these things because the people that need to be reached the most are not listening. We’re not going to get the people who just couldn’t bring themselves to vote for HRC for “some reason” to take a master class on implicit bias. I haven’t quite been able to articulate where I am going with this. But curious for your thoughts and any recommended reading.

    • Anonymous :

      No. I think it’s some b_ll $h!t to rename them. It’s about darn time we started openly calling racism and sexism what they are.

    • You mean like we renamed neo-fascism alt-right? Nope.

      • Anonymous :

        this. call it what it is.

        • I understand this point. I largely agree with it. But I wonder if this is productive. The other side does really well with renaming things and succeeding. Is it better to stand firm and lose?

          • Anonymous :

            Yes. Let’s rename their “just not comfortable” with “racist.”

          • Ok, but if you have 93% of people to use an example from above say that they would vote for a woman president and then when presented with a choice find reasons not to because of implicit bias or whatever, don’t we need to deal with that? It’s much easier to address someone who says “women can’t be president because periods or hormones or whatever” .. much harder when they don’t acknowledge they have an issue. So I can call them sexist till the cows come home but if they won’t recognize their sexism because they inherently believe that they would vote for a woman, the biases will continue to go unaddressed. There’s certainly sexist things to call out but there is also something much more subtle but equally invidious that we need to deal with.

          • THIS EXACTLY, AIMS.
            The right renames things, and people buy into the same, old, horrid ideas–gussied up with new, 1984-ish language.

            So I appreciate your question from that perspective, as well as from the point you make at 5:25p w/r/t, sure, yes, I’d vote for a woman! And then it turns out, not really.

            That subtlety and our inability to address it in a way that might lead to change is killing us, and I appreciate your asking questions in an effort to address it.

          • cactus killer :

            Hey AIMS, you might be interested in this Vox article, which does a good job of explaining social psychology research around how to change racist attitudes, and the role of terms like racist:

      • Sydney Bristow :

        There is a large group of left-leaning lawyers on Facebook and there has been a lot of discussion about not using “alt-right” anymore. I hadn’t really thought about it before but will not continue using it. Words matter.

        I’m always reminded of Seth Godin saying that “global warming” was the wrong phrase to use. He suggests going with “atmospheric cancer.”

      • PrettyPrimadonna :

        This. This. This. And this again.

    • cactus killer :

      I’ve been thinking about this, too. I think that the mainstream conversation around bias and systemic racism / sexism / etc has gotten a lot more sophisticated in recent years. Yet there are many Americans who do not understand or want to understand that discussion. I have no idea how to make people listen. But I have been thinking about the things I wish everyone knew and agreed upon in order to have productive conversations. It might involve forcing the entire country to watch Jay Smooth’s “How to tell someone they sound racist” video:

      • I think this is sort of what I am trying to say. People are tuning out. We need to find a way to talk about this. And if eliminating/reducing bias means that we find a new word for it, I don’t know that I am against that.

    • I think it’s important to call it what it is, but reduce the jargon. I just don’t think that people are prepared to hear about how their own pain is irrelevant because they don’t suffer from “intersecting systems of oppression” and the like. Studies show that jargon is a big turn-off, especially when people will get defensive from the message.

      • Those phrases just sound hella obnoxious to the average person.

        • Exactly. Even if they’d be receptive to the message, it gets so buried in the elitism and the social justice warrior-friendly phrases. We need to find ways to make the same messages accessible for all audiences, especially because you CAN change people’s minds if you find the way to connect with them.

      • used to be called racist :


        I personally like the idea of “implicit bias”. We all have biases. Even liberals. Using a bias framework, it is easier to confront bias and really dig deep into our own biases. Instead of changing long-felt beliefs, people are only expected to recognize their bias and how it’s impacting their thoughts.

        I grew up in Milwaukee which has a very complicated and long-standing racial divide. It’s such a unique situation that entire books have been written about race and racial tensions in Milwaukee. When I moved to the Left Coast, people called me racist for speaking up about my reality living in an environment with racial tensions that many of them have never experienced themselves. For example, Milwaukee is segregated with no overlap between races. If you are a white person even 1 block into a Black neighborhood, you clearly don’t belong there and are viewed with suspicion (and vice-versa).

        Calling me a racist just caused me to dismiss people as “Lefty-Liberals”. After all, I volunteered in Black neighborhoods, tutored Black children, worked in soup kitchens located in Black neighborhoods. However, when I was taught about implicit bias, and learned to identify my biases, I was able to dissect the racial tensions that I considered normal.

        I think many “lefty liberals” need to examine their own implicit biases. Many have never lived in a racially tense city or experienced being the “token” in a room filled with Others. Many have never even visited a “flyover” state for any length of time or know anyone who lives there.

        I live in one of the most diverse cities in the U.S. in a gentrifying neighborhood where homeless people camp. If I can recognize my implicit bias, anyone can.

    • +1 to this. Even on this s*te, conversations continue to get shut down by retorting that people are “racist, sexist, misogynists” (see above, in which the OP only got one substantive response to her question about her fiance). I agree with calling a spade a spade, but there much be better ways of discussing issues than tossing out labels all the time. I know I have a lot of work to do to better bring to light and overcome my own biases, but seeing these words over and over is not helpful.

  9. This may be a weird question, but I need to figure out how to look less stressed while working.

    I work in consulting so I am in a conference room with my team all day, every day. When I am deeply involved in work I tend to look much more stressed or upset than I am. People ending up asking if I’m okay or if anything is wrong, when I’m just thinking!

    I feel like appearances matter a lot, and I don’t want to look frazzled or overwhelmed when I am actually calm.

    • Anonymous :

      Ha, I have the opposite problem…I am a doodler and when I’m listening or thinking, I doodle all over my papers. People think I’m bored and not paying attention.

    • all about eevee :

      Just reiterate to your team that you aren’t upset and that’s just how your face looks when you are working. There’s no reason to change this. Other people need to adjust here, not you.

      • lawsuited :

        Laugh lightly (to show you are at ease and not stressed) and say “no, just concentrating!”

    • In light of the comments above, I don’t really want to say this but I think its s3xist. A woman’s face needs to look pleasant in addition to everything else she’s expected to be. I would just reiterate that you’re concentrating or focusing etc etc at nauseam until people stop thinking women need to smile while thinking about complex and technical matters.

      • Sorry – I think this rant got away from me a bit because this is a bit of a sore spot for me.

        • No I hadn’t thought of this – thank you for bringing it up.

          People say girls and boys are often raised the same. Maybe, but then they enter the work world and are hit with different standards they aren’t immediately going to think of

    • Anonymous :

      I agree that expecting women to look happy and pleasant on top of competently doing their jobs is sexist BS, but it is also unfortunately the world we live in, something made even clearer by recent events. If you would feel better, stronger, whatever with a less stressed face, that’s fair. I’m sure everyone will jump on me for saying it, but consider botox. By reducing the mobility of your forehead, it decreasing the furrowing and clenching it sounds like you are having. It only lasts 3 months (but please, go to a qualified dermatologist for injection) so if you don’t like it, you don’t have to live with it long term.

      • Please don’t do this. Assuming you’re on the younger side, starting Botox too early can apparently have a negative impact, as it causes other muscles to over compensate. Note – I don’t have a source for this, this was what I was told by an aesthetician when we were discussing botox

    • They need to back off. You’re fine. One firm “I’m fine, this is how my face looks. I’ll let you know if anything is ever wrong” is needed here to stop this sexism in its tracks.

    • To be clear, I don’t really change my style/personality/behavior to match the highly corporate environment I’m in in general. Of course I’m professional, but I’m also a 3D human being with a life and interests.

  10. Help with YNAB :

    I posted earlier this morning about looking for a new budgeting tool (I currently use mint). I just signed up for YNAB and it seems really confusing. Has anyone run into one of the problems below and do you know how to resolve them:

    1. Seems silly but will the budget categories automatically go into alphabetical order?
    2. It seems like YNAB tracks expenses by what account it comes from. Is there any way to see all of the transactions on one page instead of having to first click on what account the transaction is coming from?
    3. I have a few savings accounts and it looks like the program is counting the money in the savings accounts as money that I have to budget for. I don’t want that money to go anywhere, though, so how do I fix this problem?


    • Sydney Bristow :

      1. You can drag and drop the categories into whatever order you want.

      2. If you click “All Accounts” at the top under “Budget” you’ll see all transactions.

      3. I make my savings accounts “off budget” or tracking accounts. Then that money isn’t included in your budget. You can also set up a budget category to put money into savings so you budget down to $0. And when you need to move any savings into your budget, you create a transaction into checking and can put it directly into a budget category or just generally into to be budgeted.

      YNAB has great webcasts. I highly recommend doing one of the intro ones.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Not that I want to dissuade you from asking questions here too! A bunch of us use the program. I’ve used it for 6 years and credit it a lot with getting out of credit card debt.

        • Help with YNAB :

          SB, thanks so much. I am going to watch some of the webcasts.

          Another question for you. Or really for anyone who uses the program. So one thing that I want to start doing is using my credit card more often on a regular basis instead of my debit card. I want to do this to get points on my credit card. Right now my husband and I don’t really regularly use the credit card. Does it make more sense to (a) pay off the credit card immediately each time a transaction is made or (b) wait until the end of the month to pay off the credit card? I assume (and will look into it further) that YNAB helps somewhat if you want to start paying more regularly with credit cards?

          • Sydney Bristow :

            I put everything on my cards for the points. As long as you have budgeted for the transaction itself, the amount comes out of that category and is moved to the credit card’s category at the top of your budget. When you pay off the credit card, that transaction moves the amount out of your credit card budget category line.

            If you haven’t budgeted enough for the underlying transaction, you’ll see that the amount in your credit card account balance doesn’t match the amount in your credit card budget category. You’ll have to move around your budgeted money to cover that underlying purchase. I hope that makes sense! You can add a fake transaction to a funded category and one to an underfunded category to see what I mean.

            I don’t think it matters whether you pay once a month or more often. I personally pay mine every few days as transactions clear. That keeps my credit cards as close to a debit card in my mind.

          • I love that it keeps track of credit card spending! (But this is something I had to watch the webinar about, twice actually.) I want to be able to use my card but also pay down existing debt on it, and it so easily tells me what payment I should make in order to do both. I think I end up making payments a few times a month, which is probably unnecessary but it makes things more organized for me.

          • Sydney Bristow :

            I paid off my credit card debt 2 versions ago and I don’t think they deal with existing credit card debt the same way anymore so I don’t have any advice on that. CMT, I’m all about making things as organized as necessary for the person! You’ve got to figure out how the system works for you or you’ll never stick with it.

      • +1 to Sydney points. It does take a little bit of work to understand how the accounts relate to each other, and the webcasts are good for helping with that, especially if you have no prior accounting background. I found the YNAB fairly intuitive after watching a couple of the webcasts/intro videos, but I had also been using Quicken on a regular basis and had other accounting course work.

    • I definitely recommend the webinars they have! They were immensely helpful to me. They also have forums and I have found some answers to my questions searching in the forums.

      For your last question, I might just not keep track of those accounts in YNAB. Or creating a savings category and dump it all in there, then it won’t show up as income to be budgeted.

  11. Anonymous :

    I’ve been dating a guy for 8 months and things are going well, but there is something and I’m not sure if it’s a red flag or me just overthinking it.

    He doesn’t use a credit card for anything besides buying books for his Amazon Kindle. And within a week of buying a book he will go to the bank and pay off the card, even if he hasn’t gotten the bill yet. He uses cash for everything else and won’t even consider buying a book for his eReader unless the money is already in his account.

    He isn’t judgemental about anyone else using credit or being in debt because he grew up in a lower class home (his words, not mine) and he knows people are different and have hard times. He does own a car (used) that he bought outright and he qualified for a mortgage on his own. It’s just weird to me that he won’t use credit for anything and that he pays his mortgage and all his bills with automatic withdrawal or money orders. Everything else, groceries, coffee, gas etc. he uses cash exclusively. Am I overthinking this (there are no other issues) or is this weird?

    • Anonymous :

      Who uses a money order in this day and age? Does he not have a checkbook?

      • Anonymous :

        He doesn’t have a checkbook. His mom was incarcerated for check fraud when he was younger and he doesn’t like using checks because he is afraid of being defrauded.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Well, there you go then. Again, a little idiosyncratic but understandable given his background.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t think it needs to be a red flag, but worth discussing how he would handle joint finances for a family. Like, it’s weird to me that he doesn’t just use a debit card, and Id want to know more about that. Is it really a finances issue or is it anxiety?

      • Anonymous :

        It’s not about poor finances. He was able to qualify for a mortgage in an area where homes are around $350,000, he saved at least $10,000 to buy a car and he says he doesn’t have any debt besides his mortgage. I think it’s more a fear of being defrauded and being careful with money because of how he grew up.

    • Senior Attorney :

      What’s your problem with it? I mean that in all sincerity… why are you bothered by this? It sounds a tiny bit compulsive but generally I’d far rather be with a guy like that than a guy who runs up a bunch of debt.

      • Anonymous :

        This. Better a guy who is a little paranoid about using credit than one who is unafraid of maxing out credit cards.

        At 8 months, I think this relationship is probably mature enough where you can initiate a conversation about his comfort level with you using credit cards or how he thinks your joint finances might look. Will he be overly worried if you have a checking account? Would he be OK with you writing checks for shared expenses?

    • Anonymous :

      This makes me chuckle. My husband didn’t use a credit card when we met. He still uses cash 90% of the time. It makes me crazy but he has a system and it works well for him. He’s really financially responsible, has great credit and no debt. He doesn’t care if I use our credit card, he just doesn’t like to use it himself. He grew up in a lower-income household that lived mostly paycheck to paycheck so he doesn’t like to put things on credit if he can help it. My husband still pays all of the bills that he’s in charge of by mailing in checks!

      Assuming he has good credit, I wouldn’t worry too much.

    • Definitely time to have some conversations about how you guys would handle money should you get married. Will you share finances? Will you co-own a credit card together? Will he be comfortable with you using it for joint expenses? How will he feel if you ever carry a balance on that joint card? Will you guys be on the same page when deciding to pay for the next car?

      For what it’s worth, I’ll routinely pay credit card bills before the statement comes – especially if it is a card I seldom use. I also think him living within his means is more of a positive than a red flag.

    • Cornellian :

      I think you’re overthinking it. Unless you are afraid he’s some sort off-the-grid survivalist, and that’s not the type of person you want to date, I think using cash is fine and not particularly noteworthy.

      What are you worried it’s a red flag for?

      • This. The only exception to the “there’s nothing to worry about here” argument is that if he has some deep-seeded fear that the government is tapping into his life via his credit card or something and his all-cash life is a function of survivalist/extremist views about internet/government, etc. My guess is that you’d have figured that out in 8 months, though.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      This seems like great money management and not at all a red flag to me.

      It does suggest that if you are together long term that you should keep finances separate since you are both set in your ways.

    • I do think this is unusual. Have you talked to him about why he does this? I think the underlying reasons (and whether you could live with them and perhaps do the same if you guys work out long term) is far more important than the action itself.

    • Hmm – I’d be concerned, but only because a good friend dated a guy like that & it turned out his whole financial background was a mess and he couldn’t get credit.

      • lawsuited :

        Except in this scenario, he was able to get a mortgage on his own. He’s obviously willing to take on necessarily debt (like a mortgage) but not unnecessarily debt (like a credit card). Not spending money before you’ve made it is a virtue.

        My only concern would be that my only financial habits would never measure up, but I would definitely continue to date him and hope some of it would rub off on me!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        See above, though- it sounds like he’s got his finances under control, he’s just odd about this particular thing.

    • Maybe he’s a spy or in witness protection!

      • Anonymous :

        I always joke with my frequent-traveling-for-work and cash-only husband that he’s in the CIA. He just winks.

    • My husband had what I perceived to be a weird financial thing too. He used to have this secret journal where he would record every single purchase, right down to the $1 coffee he got at the local bodega. At first I thought it was totally weird but I realized that he needed to track his spending and that he was a paper guy. He would tally up his spending and figure out where his money was going.

      I totally thought it was the weirdest thing, however I was bad at money management and could not understand why you would want to track such things.

      To the OP, it does seem a bit idiosyncratic but I would roll with it. He doesn’t spend money he doesn’t have. This is a good life lesson that he has learned.

    • I get it. I never use credit either. i do use the heck out of my debit card though but I know I always know the balance in my checking account. I would never buy something if I didn’t have money in there.

    • Ugghh just reading this made me cringe! I dated someone who refused to get a credit card in my mid-20s. For 4 years, anything that needed to be on a credit card (car rental, etc etc etc) was on me. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with his stance, just DON’T do what I did and be the enabling party.

    • I see no red flags. He does use a credit card (the Amazon purchases), he’s just incredibly responsible with it. He also has a mortgage so he’s fine with borrowing for important purchases and has good enough credit to get the mortgage in the first place. He’s also not being judgmental of you if you use a credit card. All around, these sounds like great attributes, not red flags.

  12. NYC Area Furniture Repair :

    Can anyone recommend a furniture repair service in the NYC area? I need a few chairs reupholstered and repaired – looking for somewhere that does quality work but is affordable. Thanks!!

  13. Super PACs :

    Has anyone here ever started a Super PAC? Post-election, a friend and I have been considering starting one (figuring we might as well take advantage of Citizens United since the other side is, too). Would anyone be willing to share their experience?

    • Anonymous :

      Why not get involved with and fundraise on behalf of an existing Super PAC? The compliance requirements are a headache and costly, so it would be more efficient to work with one already in compliance than try to start a new one and figure out all of the compliance, reporting and accounting for yourselves.

  14. Anonymous :

    I’m finally going to give the “Baby Feet” foot peel a try!

    Any tips for using it?

    • Haven’t used it but considering it – report back how it goes. But my friends who have done it say to soak your feet first, and then once you put the plastic bags on, cover your feet with socks so they stay tight on your feet. and to leave it on a little longer than the directions say (can’t remember but like, if it says an hour, leave it on for 90 minutes). Good luck!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      There is a really detailed review on Amazon that walks through the steps to make it work the best. Lots of extra soaking that isn’t in the official directions.

    • it’s gross and amazing and I kind of loved it… want to do it again soon! Put socks on over the booties and you’ll be able to walk around (carefully), etc. My biggest tip is that it is every bit as gross and reptilian as it sounds to be sloughing all the skin off your feet, so don’t do it if that’s going to be embarrassing (like a new hookup, or some kind of social event that requires bare feet…I did it in the late summer and it was a bit gross going to work even in ballet flats.) Also, it’s so strange how you do it and nothing seems to happen and then boom! 5-7 days later the shedding begins….

  15. A client (legal aid) this morning said “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, little one” after I told her my legal advice regarding her case (which she disagreed with).

    My pretty little head almost unprettily exploded. I reiterated my advice with a very, very forced smile and pretty much told her “If you choose to not take it, that’s your problem, not mine.” More diplomatically.

    I wish I looked a little bit older. I’m 24 and look 18. I have a law degree. I’ve been doing this work as an intern for more than 2 years. I know what I’m talking about, d*mnit.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve been doing what I do for almost 15 years and I still get stuff like this, as recently as two weeks ago. It doesn’t go away. The only thing that’s changed for me over the years is how I respond.

    • I work in a DA’s office. A male person called our office a couple of years ago and asked to talk to a lawyer. I replied that I was a lawyer. He said “I want to talk to a man.” I told him “unfortunately, no one with a p3nis is available sir. May I help you?”

  16. Wildkitten :

    I am in NYC. Meet-up?

Add a Comment

Thank you for commenting. On the off chance that your comment goes to moderation, note that a moderation message will only appear if you enter an email address. If you have any questions please check out our commenting policy.