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Anonymous
What would you describe is ‘catty’ behavior? I feel like my boss is catty but I do not want to put that label on her just because she is a woman. Women tend to judge other women more harshly than they judge men.
Anonymous
I think the question actually needs to be if the same behavior was exhibited by a man, would you find it inappropriate? Catty isn’t a useful term. Behavior is either workplace appropriate or not. A person can be a poor leader but still have appropriate behavior.
And I presume by “Women tend to judge other women more harshly than they judge men.” you are referring to your own judgment of your boss. Nonetheless, those types of generalizations are neither accurate nor helpful.
Anonymous
Nothing. I don’t use the word “catty”, ever, just like I don’t use “slut” or “trash” or “retard.” English is a rich and vibrant language. I have no problem expressing my thoughts without using offensive dehumanizing terms.
Anon
+1. Is your boss snarky? Rude? Unprofessional? Unfair? Biased? Find another word. Banish catty from your vocabulary (and not saying you say this, but we should banish “shrill” from any sentence other than one describing a an alarm or siren).
Senior Attorney
Yep. “Catty” is an inherently sexist term. And don’t get me started on “shrill…”
Ellen
Yay Kat! Very pretty pencil skirt, and the model looks real for a change! As for the OP, I define “Catty” as someone who is underhanded and does things behind other peeople’s back for their OWN advantage. It is equally applicable to MEN and WOMEN, tho when women are spoken of as catty, they also mean gossipey. FOOEY on Catty peeople!
Thank GOD our own Cat (and Kate) is the opposite, as she gives EVERYONE a chance to give their opinion’s on thing’s and is VERY fair. I alway’s thank God that I found a home in the HIVE here after the ABA banished me for haveing my own opinion’s, which the EDITOR there did NOT like. I have grown up alot since then, and confine my behaviur to commenting ON POINT, once I found out the HIVE was NOT particularly interested in UNRELATED stories about my life — which I now just use Facebook for. So I hope I am also the OPPOSITE of Catty. If your boss is catty, tell her to read my post, and stop being catty! YAY!!
nutella
(1) Examine if this is behavior you would find inappropriate in a man or not to see if you are in fact judging her more harshly because she is a woman. (2) I think the non-gendered word for someone acting unreasonably on a grudge over small things to the point of exhaustion is “petty.” (3) If you find that she is being petty or catty or what have you and you would think the same if you were a man, I would caution you not to use that word out loud about your boss, but recognize that maybe your question was more for your internal dialogue or venting to your SO.
Anonattorney
I get where you’re going with this. I agree that the word “catty” is loaded, but it is also a descriptive word to describe inappropriate behavior.
I think of catty behavior as insults born out of jealousy, intended to knock another person down a few pegs. Catty comments often are delivered as backhanded compliments or in a teasing or sarcastic tone, in an effort to deflect the meanness behind the comment and absolve the speaker.
Anonattorney
Given my definition, I think that “petty” is a close synonym, as are “barbed,” “spiteful,” “backbiting,” and maybe “bitter.”
Godzilla
What is it that your boss does that you want to assign “catty” as a descriptor to her?
Anonymous
If I took three pieces of dessert instead of one, she’ll ask in front of everyone which dessert did I enjoy the most. Subtle.
Anonymous
Seriously? Sounds like a totally normal thing to make small talk about food when people are eating together
Godzilla
Yeah, all of my coworkers do that to me (what, like Godzilla can’t have few sweet tooths). I grin and say ALL OF THEM.
Anonymous
Add a conceited look on her face when she does that
Godzilla
Sure, that sounds really annoying. But honestly, who gives a flying f0ck?
Red (White) and Blue #2
I spent all day yesterday and the day before either calling or visiting my senators and local congressmen, trying to understand what the ramifications were for not abiding by the ethics committee’s decisions, and whether or not the president could replace the FBI director if he refused to give his children security access (the same children, I suppose, who will be running the businesses, but that is another discussion.) The response was not encouraging; refusing to obey the ethics committee would result in an impeachment, which is of course does not ensure a conviction and replacement. (My concern is that Trump will stall and make excuses for years, go through an impeachment that costs millions, and then at the last minute concede and say it was all his idea in the first place, ala “Hillary started the birther movement and I finished it.”)
I am so distraught. All I want is a sane, sensible, centrist, and dignified person/people in government. Why is that too much to ask?
Anon
Because, sadly, we have given the government far too much power, which has attracted exactly the wrong sort of people to want to be in government. We give power to bureaucrats, and they like it, and figure out how to get more. There are many good people in government, but the system we have makes it all but impossible for them to get things done, and so the good ones leave and the petty paper-pushers move up. I speak from experience, by the way. It’s one of the reasons I no longer work for the government. It can also easily be seen in many government organizations. Take a look at the VA, or talk to someone who works there.
Anon
Are they power mongers or petty paper-pushers? You don’t make sense. And lots of us live in DC – you get no special right to your opinion just b/c you lived/worked here once.
Anon
A little of both – please don’t misunderstand, I know there are a lot of good people in government. But even those still there have to admit that it is difficult to get things done. And many of the worst frustrations come from legislature (who are the worst ones for getting in power – senators really shouldn’t be there for 30+ years!), who are the ones I was referring to about remaining in power.
Anon for this
Let me start by saying I am NOT a Trump supporter. That said, I would like more info on the security clearance thing before I say how awful it is. Maybe I just haven’t kept up on my news. There are different levels of clearance for different things. One level allows the (adult) children to walk unescorted through parts of the white house when visiting dad. My spouse has clearance – not president level clearance – for his job. Because his job involves some field work that requires bringing home certain materials all members of his household also had to go through a background check. I now essentially have some level of clearance. I can’t boast that on a resume when applying for a job. It’s not transferable. It essentially just determined I am not a national security risk and his briefcase could be in my house, not attached to his wrist. I still won’t go in the briefcase but the gov’t wants assurances that if I did snoop, I’m someone that wouldn’t use the info for nefarious purposes.
Anomanom
Yesterday he asked that his son in law sit in on his CIA briefings with him. That’s about the highest level you can ask for.
anon a mouse
And his son in law is a publisher of a newspaper, and will not have an official paid position in the government. Not a far cry to think about publishing state secrets…..
Chill out
Trump probably wants his kids Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr and probably Ivanka’s husband Jared to work with him in the WH. Other than Jared they are all VP’s in his company. They worked on his campaign. They all have Ivy or nearly-Ivy league business degrees.
So Trump wants to continue working closely with people he trusts. Big shocker. To what extent they remain involved in outside business to prevent conflicts of interest is dealt with by disclosure and other ethics laws that apply to all government employees. I don’t think the mere fact that they are his children should make people distraught about the idea of him working with them.
Anonymous
Then the kids need to distance themselves from their business/financial interests.
That’s all.
You must admit, this is ….. atypical.
Anonymous
Can we please put this behind us already? I go to this s – i – t – e for a fun little relief from the stress of work, not listen to angry political talk which just increases stress.
all about eevee
What should you say or do when a coworker on your team has emotional outbursts and/or a complete mental breakdown at work? I mean, crying, screaming outbursts any time a project gets stressful, or has-to-go-home-and-not-come-back-for-a-few-days mental breakdowns every couple of months? I’m having a hard time with a coworker like this. I’ve already talked to my boss about it and I know he is documenting these incidents and that she is on a performance improvement plan, but I am at a loss for how to deal with her one-on-one.
EM
Ignore it. Don’t give them assignments and don’t expect anything from them. If they start to crack say, “you’ll have to excuse yourself.” Remind yourself that her problems aren’t yours.
Tutti
That person was just fired from my firm. Documented it for a little while, but it was so extreme that about 6 months of documentation was enough to satisfy HR/legal that we had appropriately CYA’d. The most nail-in-coffin move of hers was to just stop coming to work because you’re upset with a result – happened twice in 6 months.
As for you, just keep on keeping on. Do whatever you can so that this doesn’t effect your work. Use it as an opportunity to step up, fill in, get some recognition in this person’s (mental and/or physical absence). It’s hard, but if your boss is already documenting, I expect it won’t be long lived.
JayJay
Coworker and not your direct and you have no managerial responsibilities over her? Not your circus, not your monkeys. Let your boss handle.
all about eevee
She’s my assistant.
JayJay
In that case, I agree with the ignore it approach. And if she starts getting worked up, tell her she can take a few moments to calm down.
EM
She’s not your coworker then. That is a big difference.
I would unofficially reassign her duties to somewhere where she wouldn’t be seen in public.
Blonde Lawyer
Does she assist other people too? How senior are you compared to the other people she assists?
all about eevee
She supports myself (5 years with company, director level) and my boss (9 years with company, also director level). My boss has mentored me from assistant level to director level, which is why he still manages me despite us having the same “level” of title on the org chart.
lawsuited
To the extent that her behaviour directly impedes your work, keep reporting incidents to your boss, then let him handle it.
Anonattorney
Do mental health issues implicate the ADA?
Anon
yes, they do.
Anonymous
Only if she has a diagnosis and treatment plan.
Sounds like she may not….
Anonattorney
This is so interesting to me. Does the employer have to suggest a treatment plan before taking any adverse employment action, or if the employee doesn’t take steps on her own to treat her condition (anxiety, depression, or whatever), can the employer go ahead and act, even if they are pretty sure the employee has a mental health disability? And are anxiety and depression “disabilities” under the statute?
I don’t do employment law, so I’m sorry if these are dumb questions.
Anonymous
My understanding has always been that where applicable the employee can ask for reasonable accommodations under the ADA. At that point, the employee would need to show her diagnosis and plan and the employer would be required to provide the reasonable accommodation.
*I am not an employment or disability lawyer!
all about eevee
She isn’t receiving any accommodations that I know of (not that I would know – maybe something is going on that I don’t know about!). She has been referred to the EAP program.
Anonymous
This sounds reasonable… the EAP program, which hopefully will be a doorway to mental health care if she doesn’t have it already.
If someone appears to have a mental health issue, and declines/avoids appropriate treatment for it (this is really, really, really common), then you cannot claim unfair treatment.
I know people who have gone as far as planning to quit their jobs and “go on to disability” for the mental health related dysfunction, yet have no ongoing treatment or doctor for their issue. That’s not how it works….
Jlg
If you are supervising this person even nominally you need to talk to HR/legal. Please do not rely on advice given here about the ADA or FMLA implications. This is a complicated area of the law and requires more proactive steps than most and employers realize, and the scope of protections is extremely broad. Tread carefully and good luck.
AIMS
In light of recent discussions here, thought this might be interesting for some readers – the NYT and WSJ both have articles about how this election is ruining relationships and thanksgiving. My plan is to just avoid politics talk.
http://tinyurl.com/h353kvc (the WSJ article is behind a paywall, but for those interested it’s in yesterday’s edition)
Anon
DH and I have vowed to have peace-able Thanksgiving and X-mas with our families b/c those events were pre-planned and we’re not going to cancel, but I think political divides will tilt us in favor of seeing our respective families a lot less.
Anonymous
I’ve already decided to just not engage. My family is in one of the swing states, my uncle and cousin are posting things on Facebook I don’t agree with. My uncle will try to press my buttons because I have engaged with him in the past. I have learned from my mistakes.
It’s going to be “dysfunctional family bingo” and pretending I’m an intrepid reporter/anthropologist studying my family members.
June
My plan is to try to remember “relationships before politics”.
Cb
I made an enormous Sunday lunch and we’ve been enjoying the leftovers which got me thinking about prepping food for a few days on Sunday and easing the load during the first half of the week. I did a whole chicken, salad, roast veg, bread, and macaroni cheese but we’re normally veggie at home. Any tips, links, or old threads on prepping food in advance? For some reason, it seems more complicated for vegetarian food if you don’t want to eat chilli or soup all week.
Anonymous
I’ll agree this is much harder if you’re vegetarian – it rules out most slow cooker meals, which I find are the easiest way to do weekend meal prep. What I found best for vegetarian weeks was to make enough breakfast on Sunday to last the week (such as a breakfast casserole, quiche, frittatas, pre-made breakfast sandwiches, etc), make a 9×13 lentil, quinoa, or bean-based casserole, and then a fancy, could-be-a-meal-on-it’s-own salad (Half-Baked Harvest has a lot of salads that I like – you can usually leave out the meat and any super time-consuming ingredients and still have a delicious salad).
That will reliably get me to Wednesday, usually with some casserole leftover that I then freeze (to fill in gaps in future weeks). Wednesday night I usually make something quick (a second fancy salad, or Trader Joe’s pasta with veggies and beans tossed in – if you Google, you’ll find lots of recipes that use their tortellini etc as a base), and that gets me through til Friday.
Nancy Raygun
For vegetarian stuff, I’ve done casseroles (this week it’smac and cheese with roasted veggies), or a stir fry everyday. this isn’t as quick as a one-pot meal, but I chop things up and make noodles/rice/other grain ahead of time and package it so all I have to do is put the foods together in a pan or a bowl and fry/microwave then put sauce on it.
Lynn
I make pizza dough in advance. I found a super easy recipe on Bon Appetit. I divide it into six balls and stick them in the freezer. Take one out in the morning, let it defrost all day, add sauce (I also make it in advance and divide it up into servings) and toppings, and done. Cooking it takes 10 minutes. It’s the easiest meal ever, and not unhealthy the way Dominos is.
Eowyn
Some Smitten Kitchen recipes work really well for this. She has a zucchini pasta bake, for instance, that reheats really well. Also her mushroom burgundy. I think you can filter her site by vegetarian recipes.
AIMS
You can roast a bunch of veggies, cook up some grains and then mix and match with fresh veggies to make grain bowls for lunch/dinner. The possibilities are infinite. For dinner, I like to throw a fried egg on top. You can also mix in baked tofu (also cooked ahead or bought pre made), nuts, pumpkin seeds, you name it.
Another good veggie meal that only gets better with time is ratatouille or for a Spanish take pisto manchego.
Due in December
We love ratatouille for this reason. Good combos:
Cold, on toast spread with chevre and lemon zest on top
Serve in a crepe (with or without chicken), with salad on the side
Served with a salad, crusty bread and cheese or a salad, polenta and olives
Mix with gruyere and bake into a quiche or frittata
MargaretO
I’m not a vegetarian but really like the grains + roasted veggie approach, my trick is to also mix up a batch of tahini to use as “dressing” and add in some extra protein. For instance this week I make a big batch of quinoa, and roasted carrots, cauliflower, and sweet potato, which I reheat all together at work and eat with tahini on top.
AIMS
Smitten Kitchen has a recipe for broccoli bowl with miso dressing – the miso tahini dressing is AMAZING. You can make a big batch and put it on everything.
MargaretO
I’ve made that before and it is really amazing! I also like to just make tahini the regular way but add in a little more water and lemon juice than usual so that its more of a dressing than a dip. Tahini is my solution to all food related needs, I even make cookies out of it.
CountC
Ohhh, I need to track this down! Thank you!
Anon in NYC
The Smitten Kitchen ratatouille recipe is delicious. I bet you could make it the night before you bake it off.
Also, I love Smitten Kitchen’s slow cooker black beans recipe. It’s from her book, not her site, so you’ll have to google it. We make that on a Sunday and can eat it all week. We will eat it on toast, with brown rice, put an egg on top of it… all variations are good!
Quiche is a good one. It will keep in the fridge, and then you just need to warm it up in the oven for about 25 minutes or so.
Anon
I sometimes make either a frittata or a casserole type dish to eat off of for a few days or to take for lunch for the week. If we are using it as dinner then I add a salad/other veggie side and/or bread. One of my favorite casserole dishes is black beans, spinach, canned artichoke quarters, some jarred salsa, and cheese mixed together and baked for about 30 minutes in the oven. It is yummy! I also do various meals with a big crockpot of beans–tacos, burritos, bean and rice bowls topped with fajita veggies and guacamole, etc.
anon
Burrito bowls. Grain, beans, salsa, corn, 1/2 avocado, cheese and sour cream (optional).
Grain salads. Barley, roasted butternut squash, dried cranberries, and sliced almonds/pumpkin seeds/pecans/walnuts, with bleu cheese if you do cheese, over spinach. Also works well with sweet potatoes.
Easy salads. Spinach, nuts/seeds, bleu cheese, and some kind of fruit (pomegranate seeds, pear, apple, or dried cranberries) is super easy to throw together.
CountC
I don’t have problems coming up with a vegetarian batch meal on Sunday. That said, I have NO issue eating the same thing all week or even once a month. I know some people aren’t a fan of that though.
My go tos include:
– eggplant parmesan
– sweet potato, black bean, spinach, edamame, corn, and goat cheese enchiladas
– spaghetti squash with sauce or pesto and chickpea (or when lazy frozen meat substitute) “meatballs”
– crockpot soup and chili (I know, I know, it gets boring!)
– Chipotle sofritas copycat filling either in taco shells or as a topper for taco salad, or even nachos honestly
– sauteed veggies and brown rice (easy!)
– Hello Fresh meals made in advance (when I am feeling “rich”)
I also make a loaf of bread over the weekend so I have that for easy sandwiches or, as I have been doing recently, a variation on caprese salad – bread slice, pesto, tomato, mozz. We have a toaster oven at work so I broil it once I get here!
CountC
Oh I should add, I recently got the Veginomicon cookbook and most of the entrees are large enough to feed me for most of the week. Getting a vegetarian cookbook from the library or buying one could be a good starting point for ideas too.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I made a lovely salad this week for dinner one night and it kept for lunches so nicely that I’ve put it on my make-ahead list. It is not a traditional salad in that it doesn’t have any greens. Google “autumn glow” salad from Pinch of Yum for the recipe – it would be perfect for make-ahead on the weekend as roasting the veggies takes 45 mins or so, which is a bit much for me on a weeknight. I used orzo (but you could use quinoa for more protein), and then you add sweet potatoes, cauliflower, nuts and a lemon parsley dressing.
Cb
So many good ideas, clipping all of these to Evernote. Thanks folks! I do tend to make bowls (grain, veggie, protein) but just haven’t wrapped my head around doing a bit of pre-prep. I’m a messy cook so it seems like it would reduce cleaning as well.
Do you have problems making rice in advance? My husband has this weird aversion to eating leftover rice and I can’t convince him it’s safe.
Anon in NYC
I don’t have a problem with it, but I usually put the rice in a bowl with a little bit of water and then microwave it with a vented cover on it (I have a plastic thing that I got off Amazon). It reheats it but also prevents it from drying out. Another thing that I do is mix the rice into the dish, so it’s not rice + topping.
Anon
I hate to sound so totally naiive, but what is the concern with reheating rice? Why would it be any different than reheating pasta or other starches in terms of risk?
Bonnie
There’s no safety risk with reheating rice though rice can cause a pretty nasty food poisoning if its not stored correctly. It does have a tendency to dry out but that can be alleviated by adding in water before putting it in the microwave
Anonymous
Tell him he’s a crazy person and we have fridges and they work?
Cb
Tempting! My argument that the raw cake batter and cookie dough is far more likely to kill me than reheated rice doesn’t seem to be helping.
Anonymous
It’s fine. I’d make it for leftovers and let your husband make fresh rice if he cares so much about it. :)
Anon
One thing that I do often is make a big pot of rice and then freeze it in serving-size portions. You dump it in a bowl, partially cover, and microwave for about 2 minutes and it’ll be perfectly done.
anon
You could get a rice cooker and just make fresh rice every evening. Agree with you that day old rice is fine, but there is an easy work around to this argument.
Ai
What? I’ve never heard of that. We always make extra rice, eat leftover rice and have never had a problem (though you have to eat it within a few days). It would be really annoying to be vegetarian and have to make fresh rice for each meal.
Min Donner
Rice can be safely reheated, but it’s important that it is cooled and stored properly, because spores in uncooked rice can survive cooking and grow into bacteria which can cause food poisoning. The guidelines here are a bit more stringent than I follow, but to each their own…
http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/can-reheating-rice-cause-food-poisoning.aspx?CategoryID=51
Jeffiner
We bought a new rice cooker that works on a timer. Before we leave in the morning, we just set it up, and the rice is done and hot when we come home from work. It will also do other grains. We’ll chop vegetables on Sunday, so meal prep is really fast during the week.
Anon
I’m mostly veggie and do the following on Sundays (this is my winter routine; I find that summer vegetables don’t require nearly as much prep and I can wing it a bit more).
– roast veggies
-wash greens/other veggies that will be cooked right before eating, like broccoli
-make a big pot of grains, either brown rice or farro, to make grain bowls
-make dressings/sauces
For example, this is what I’m eating this week. The veggies were all roasted in advance and all I have to do is throw the meals together. My rule for weeknight meals is that they can’t take longer than 20-25 minutes to put together and can’t dirty more than a couple of pieces of cookware (one pot and one cutting board is ideal!).
meal 1: roasted salmon with parsley and lemon zest with farro and sauteed swiss chard
meal 2: roasted spaghetti squash (sauteed quickly with garlic and olive oil) and sauteed swiss chard with eggs on top
meal 3: roasted carrots with harissa/cumin/feta dressing and chickpeas (based on a Smitten Kitchen salad)
meal 3: garlicky broccoli rabe pasta (Smitten Kitchen recipe)
Anonymous
for easy veggie meal prep I highly recommend mason jar salads. I’m eating one right now. I make 5 on Sunday and that’s lunch for the week. In mine I have homemade balsamic vinagrette, carrots, broccoli, sweet potato, beets, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, black beans, sunflower seeds, red/orange bell pepper, and a few handfuls of spinach. I also cut up some fruit and bags of almonds to take as a snack
Lynn
DC folks: Any ideas for getting involved that don’t include calling your congressman? DC’s lack of statehood is more important than ever now. I feel so powerless on a lot of issues. So many people suggest calling your senator, and I’m over here going ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
anne-on
Call the senate majority and minority leaders?
Anon
+1 I am going to email them in addition to my own representatives.
Lynn
Good grief. How has that never occurred to me? *smacks self upside head* Doing this today!
Anonattorney
There’s been a whole thing going around Facebook talking about how this is not recommended, because they don’t actually represent you, and it’s just a waste of time. I don’t know if that’s true, though, and would appreciate clarification from an insider who knows much more than me.
Gail the Goldfish
When I worked on the Hill, we would just forward any letters from people outside our district to their correct representative. I don’t know if this holds true for the leadership, though. Also, our Rep was pretty good about correspondence; I suspect a lot of the offices just completely ignored non-constituent emails/letters.
Anonymous
Restaurant recommendations in DC? I have been to Rasika and Zaytiniya and LOVED both, so something along the same lines would be amazing. And a great breakfast/brunch spot on the fancier side would be fantastic. Thank you so much!
C. Ham
I’ve had great brunches at both The Hamilton and Elephant and Castle (of the two I’d say Hamilton is fancier).
Emmer
Oh jeez, I don’t mean to be a downer, but these are not even in the same league as Rasika and Zaytinya. For fancy brunch, I strongly strongly recommend Le Diplomate and Kapnos.
For dinner, check out Estadio, Proof, Maketto, and Bindaas (wide range of locations there – let me know if you had a specific neighborhood in mind).
C. Ham
That’s fair – I’ve been to Zaytinya as well and found it wildly out of my budget.
ALX emily
Loooove brunch at Le Diplomate.
BabyAssociate
I’m moving to a place right by Le Diplomate, this is good to know :)
Emmer
Almost forgot – if you like cocktails, head to the Columbia Room (go early or try to get a reservation). And go to the Dabney, or as Beth suggested, All Purpose for dinner if you’re in that area (Blagden Alley in Shaw).
Anonymous
Yeah, no offense, but I would not recommend either of these to anyone, regardless of price point.
C. Ham
I would happily delete the original comment if I could. Thanks.
Eowyn
Go to Daikaya. Try the Izakaya upstairs – if you want, you can put yourself on the list for ramen downstairs and do apps at the Izakaya while you wait.
BabyAssociate
YES
Route for cross-country drive
Driving from Baltimore, MD to Reno, NV. Ideally in 4 days/3 nights (i.e., as fast as possible). At the very beginning of December, so weather *may* be an issue. Without weather concerns, I think the route that might make the most sense would be:
Baltimore, MD to Indianapolis, IN
Indianapolis, IN to Lincoln, NE
Lincoln, NE to Salt Lake City, UT
Salt Lake City, UT to Reno, NV
Or similar. Never done this before. Any recommendations? FWIW, we do have all wheel drive but not snow tires at the moment.
Walnut
The Lincoln to Salt Lake day might be pretty rough. Depending on how you’re feeling that day, you might try to get to Grand Island, NE or Kearney, NE.
I’ve driven Indianapolis to Omaha stretch and it seems to go MUCH faster than any trip from Omaha to any west destination.
cross country driver
You might try reposting in the afternoon thread–I think you’ll get more responses if it’s not misplaced. In any event, though, I’ve done almost that identical trip. I think you’re right about that route being the best, overall, but I’d share your concerns about weather (I did the drive in the summer). That said, I’m not sure there’s another route where the weather would necessarily be better. If it were me, I’d plan to do the route you described, keep an eye on weather as the trip approached–in theory I-70 or I-40 might have better weather than I-80 and you could revise to take one of those routes, though I don’t think it’ll be a huge difference, and each of those will likely be a longer drive–and try to reconcile myself to the fact that the trip might take longer than anticipated.
Beth
My favorite is Red Hen in Bloomingdale for Italian, they also own a pizza place called All Purpose Pizza that is fantastic.
Bonnie
Love love love Boqueria for fancy brunch. For diner, I’d add Barcelona, Graffiato and Oyamel. Not a big fan of Hamilton or Elephant and Castle.
DC foodie
My absolute favorite fancy brunch place in DC is Blue Duck Tavern. It just got Michelin starred, so maybe it’s super crowded now, but it is absolutely amazing. I don’t even like brunch that much and I’m always happy to go there. Not similar to Rasika or Zaytinya, though. My other favorite place for brunch/lunch is Etto on 14th street – constantly changing Italian menu and delicious cocktails.
I also second Le Diplomate for brunch or dinner!
Legally Brunette
Oh goodness, Blue Duck Tavern is amazing. + 100.
Anonymous
I love Osteria Morini (Navy Yard) for Italian – yum. Their squid ink pasta is A+. I also had a really great experience at Rose’s Luxury earlier in the year, which I know is said to be overhyped by many (we did the tasting menu and made a reservation – worth it if you have a small group.) I haven’t been to Pineapple and Pearls yet, their tasting restaurant, but it is supposed to be good.
I also like Beuchert’s over on Capitol Hill, which is a “saloon” but also farm to table and really good with a solid whiskey menu. In the same league, the new Ambar in Clarendon is good (I can’t speak to the original)
anne-on
I’m hosting a cookies and champagne (cava, lets be real here) get together for the parents at my son’s very small pre-k. I’ve done these before where people arrive with dough pre-made and then you bake them at the host’s house. Does that sound reasonable to you all? I’d also plan to have 3 different types of cookie dough prepped for anyone who isn’t a baker.
And on this topic – any favorite cookie/bar recipes? I’m thinking chocolate chip, lime shortbread, and chocolate saltine toffee (ie christmas crack) and bourbon cherry brownies to have on hand.
http://dinnersdishesanddesserts.com/chocolate-saltine-toffee/
AIMS
It sounds lovely. But very sweet. As a non-sweets person, I would appreciate some nuts or pita chips or something else savory on hand.
Anonymous
Huh. Not just serving cookies and cava? Baking collectively seems so much work!
Firt Year Anon
It does seem reasonable, but not everyone likes to bake, and it might be good to have non-sweet things (I love cookies, but if the only food available was sweets I’d start to feel sick quickly). Maybe have an option to bring a savory snack instead of dough?
anne-on
Sorry – should have clarified – this is a cookie swap – I’ll be providing tins/ribbons/etc. so we can all go home with cookies.
Good point to also have non-sweet food – was thinking crudite/fruit/anti pasto type nibbles with lots of coffee/juices/flavored waters.
Cb
I did a prosecco and pie event one year – although I was providing both. I did have some cheese and crackers and nuts out but people basically just ate pie.
Carine
Love this!! I was thinking about hosting a holiday open house but wanted to do something simpler than the standard heavy hors d’oeuvres buffet. This sounds like a great approach.
Senior Attorney
OMG prosecco and pie is genius!
rosie
Sorry, this sounds weird to me. Why not make the cookies you want and then give people the option of bringing some to share/exchange (already baked)? Baking a bunch of cookies with company sounds like a PITA–each cookie might have a different cooking temp & time, so you’ll have a bunch of timers set, constantly having to check something in the oven, change out baking sheets, etc.
Tutti
I’d be concerned about practical issues – how long to bake everyone’s cookies? What about different oven temp requirements? Will they be cool enough to bag together by the time the actual swap happens?
ace
Ditto — The cookie swaps I’ve done have usually been pre-made. I suppose if you have a very small group and have figured out temperature/timing of cookies, that could work, but i could see it being a bit annoying and time consuming to wait for the cookies to cook.
CountC
I’ve done a cookie swap which included on-site baking and it was a blast. There were four adults and two children. And lots of wine!
cbackson
I would not do on-site baking. Have people bring cookies or a savory snack and set them up on trays.
Susan
I did this for years with a bunch of girlfriends and it really depends on how many people, how you all get along/work together, the layout of your space and most importantly, how invested you are in the end product. It’s very hard to group-bake. If this is more about having fun together, I’d suggest scaling back and making it more of a “cookie decorating” event, rather than trying to make potentially 4+ different batches. To be efficient and get done in under 8 hrs, you’d have to be super organized and who wants that when there’s champagne to be drinking? Also, definitely have some savory snacks to cut the sweet.
Help with YNAB
Good morning ladies, I have another YNAB question (I also posted about this yesterday).
I currently use mint where transactions that are made from your accounts are synced up with mint so that they automatically appear in mint when you purchase something. I have my accounts synced up with YNAB, but it doesn’t seem like any transactions are appearing. Do I need to do something to get them to appear, or do you manually enter all transactions? And if you manually enter all transactions what’s the point of adding your accounts and syncing them up with YNAB?
TIA!
nona
The sync feature is realtively new to YNAB, so it may not work as smoothly. Transactions may take a day or two after happening to show up as available for import in YNAB (You do have to click the import link in order for things to show up). I imagine its based on whether the transaction is pending or posted. If you have manually entered the transaction already, then YNAB will match imported transactions to manually entered ones.
As for why you would manually enter something – because you want to record it at the time it happens (like you would in your check registered) so you don’t overspend, instead of waiting 1-2 days (or more over the weekend) for it to show up via syncing.
Sydney Bristow
Sorry I don’t actually know the answer to this one since I manually enter all of my transactions.
The YNAB page on Facebook is super responsive if you send them a message. I always get a response within 24 hours.
Mac
It normally takes a day or two for the transactions to sync in YNAB. There’s an “import” button at the top of the screen with a symbol that looks like cloud download on your account page – if there are transactions available, it will show (#). If you manually enter transactions, the auto import is a great way to verify everything has cleared and that you didn’t miss anything.
I believe you can also schedule recurring transaction to appear automatically, but I haven’t tried it yet. YNAB has some great free training videos you can explore if you get stuck on anything. Good luck!
Sydney Bristow
To make a recurring transaction, you need to enter a new transaction and on the date field there is an option called “repeat” right under the calendar. For some reason it only appears when you enter a new transaction.
Mac
Thanks, I’ll have to try that feature.
Help with YNAB
Ok, makes sense. I will probably just start entering transactions manually since that’s what I used to do with my checkbook anyways. I think maybe it makes the most sense to start doing this on December 1 and then I can learn more about YNAB until then. But if I have already entered my accounts (I synced in my checking accounts and my credit cards), do you think I should delete them and then re-sync them up on December 1, or is there a way to sync them manually (or does it take a day or two for them to catch up?)
I deactivated my FB account otherwise I would message them :(
anon
I realize this is not a real problem given our current political nightmare, but I’m struggling to make a decision on my honeymoon and was hoping to get some input!
We are getting married in February, and our strong (but not set-in-stone) preference is to take our honeymoon immediately after. This rules out Europe, which is generally our preferred destination.
Originally we were going to go to Hawaii, but (and I’ve posted about this previously), for some reason I am just not super excited about it. And it would end up costing roughly $10k for 11-12 nights.
Another issue is that we will most likely be roped into going to India next December (2017), for family reasons (my fiancé has never been, and will need to meet some family members). I don’t really want to be in India for more than a week, so we’re thinking we’ll go for a week and then on the way home stop off in Maldives, Seychelles, or somewhere similarly awesome that is generally too far to go on its own.
So, financially, it seems irresponsible to take a 2 week, $10k honeymoon in February and then do another 2-week, $5-6k trip in the same year (our expenses will be covered in India, but not the second destination). This led us to looking into doing a 5-6 night honeymoon in February to somewhere close-ish, like the Caribbean. We picked out an awesome all-inclusive in Antigua, which fiancé is super excited about and will end up costing about $5k including flights, all food/booze, and activities.
My hesitation is that we’ll be doing 2 beach/tropical vacations is one year, whereas we could postpone pt. 1 of our honeymoon to June and go to Europe instead- Greece or Italy.
Did anyone postpone their honeymoon til several months after their wedding and regret it?
Is anyone else more of a sightseer/city person but enjoyed their beach/not much to do honeymoon?
Has anyone been to Antigua? What is the character of that island vs. other islands in the Caribbean?
We did do an all-inclusive in Cancun back in April and it was wonderful, so I know we can enjoy a beach vacation, but there’s something about HONEYMOON that is making me super indecisive. I feel like it has to be perfect and everything we both want.
TIA!
Anonymous
Go to Europe in Febrauary for a week. (What kind of crazy fancy vacation were you planning that Hawaii for 11 nights cost 10k? You can absolutely do that trip for much less). I’d go to Paris for most of it- museums, galleries, restaurants, markets- all lovely in February. And then I’d train it to the Alps for a couple nights.
I wouldn’t postpone. I think you have good February options and you loose some of the specialness by waiting.
Anonymous
I would not delay it! At all. You will be so tired after the wedding, you will need a break. Plus, I’ve always thought it would be odd to show up the next day at work as if nothing happened. I don’t know, it seems weird somehow.
anon anon armani
We did just that. Teacher and just started off professional in my field. …. no time off. We have been married now >30 years. It was not a big deal. We’ve travelled to all the continents since then as our finances and situatuon have matured (and student loans paid off for me).
So I don’t think delaying would be a big deal.
I know a modern couple who deferred their honeymoon for nearly a year when the original flights were cancelled and connections could not be made. Spent the weekend at a local/hometown hotel instead. They’ve been fine with that as well.
ITDS
Go to Antigua right after the wedding, and then perhaps scratch the active city vacation itch on the way back from India with a stopover in Europe or Asia. That way you don’t do two beach vacations in one year. If you have family in India you’ll be back there at some point and can do the Maldives or Seychelles that year instead.
anon
good point!
Walnut
I’ve been to Rome in February and the weather was just fine. Obviously this could be very hit and miss, but I don’t think I’d immediately discount southern Europe destinations in February.
Anonymous
I didn’t delay my honeymoon but my brother and his wife did. They went somewhere local for a few days after the wedding, and then went to Europe for ten days as their honeymoon one year later. They had no regrets.
Anonymous
I delayed my honeymoon due to work constraints as well as getting married in city hall and actually went to Hawaii. I am normally not a beach person – so if you are also not a resort / lay on the beach type what I loved about Hawaii (Maui) was exploring / hiking mixed with beach going and relaxing (I am the type that could relax one day and then the next day go have an adventure). Highly recommend airbnb in Ka’anapali / Napili / Kapalua – those locations tend to be a bit better from a beach perspective than where most of the resorts are (Wailea / Maalaea). Its also significantly less $$$ than the resorts (we found nice places around $200 – $300 / night).
I actually don’t think the delayed honeymoon is that odd – I have seen people take a few days off for their actual wedding and a “minimoon” of some sort (I am in Houston – so Mexico is a feasible long weekend destination) and then go on a longer vacation at another time that is better / when they can go where they actually want to go. Also, given my husband and I lived together premarriage – our honeymoon was really just an excuse to take an awesome vacation ;)
Batgirl
I wouldn’t delay the honeymoon, even if you just go somewhere low key for 4-5 days. I actually have a surprising amount of friends who delayed and either ended up not going, having to cancel, or got pregnant and decided against going. Plus, I think it’s really nice to take that time to be newly married together. For us, that part felt more real than the wedding itself. But that could be literally anywhere, including (gasp) a domestic trip! :)
Bonnie
I wouldn’t delay the honeymoon. Weddings are stressful so you’ll need a breather! I have been to Antigua. It was very lovey but was buggy in the evenings so bring bug spray. Have you considered South America? It will be summer over there in February.
anon
We have not considered South America; we both want to go somewhere we haven’t been before; I’ve done Argentina already, and we need to plan Peru with more advance notice because of the permit requirements to hike the Inca trail. Both of us are kind of meh about Brazil.
we considered New Zealand but don’t think we have enough time.
LHW
What about Belize? I highly recommend Victoria House. You can also spend some time in the jungle. It’s a great option if you’re into scuba diving or snorkeling.
Meow
This! I had my honeymoon (immediately after the wedding) in January. We went to Colombia–Cartagena and Medellin.
ChiLaw
I delayed my honeymoon six months. We got married on a Thursday and I went back to work the following Monday. ZERO regrets. It had to happen that way because of our work schedules, but it was delightful to spend 10 days, 6 months after our wedding, just staring lovingly into one another’s eyes (/traipsing all around a place we had long wanted to travel to together).
s-p-c
It depends on your work situation, too – in BigLaw, it was easier to tell colleagues / clients that I was getting married and would be back from my honeymoon on X date rather than break it up. By the way, we are more sightseers, too, but loved an island honeymoon because we were so exhausted from the planning and excitement of the wedding that it was nice to relax and enjoy available activities as they appealed to us.
H
What if you did a shorter stateside vacation right after the wedding and then your blow out tropical vacation a few months later? There is so much to see and do in the continental US.
Anonymous
We did a Mini-Moon the day after the wedding for 2 nights. Went to a fancy resort about 2 hours away from the wedding/our house and just slept, ate, and took walks. It was enough to recover from the wedding. We then Honeymooned about 5 months later and don’t regret it at all. We didn’t want to have to get up early the day after the wedding and travel. I loved having something to look forward to after the wedding.
Anokha
I second doing the honeymoon immediately after, even if you guys are doing Seychelles/Maldives within the same calendar year. My husband and I aren’t really beach people, but we went to Bali and had an amazing time. It was a good combination of some relaxing time, but also cooking classes, bike tours, etc.
Scarlett
My advice would be to postpone the big trip, but still take a small, local honeymoon. I eloped and our original plan had been to do that and go on a big trip right away and I am so so glad we didn’t. Instead, we went up the coast to a B&B (driving distance from SF) and spent 5 days relaxing and being totally giddy that we’d just gotten married. Even with a low-key wedding, there were still a bunch of things to coordinate and make sure happened and I don’t think I would have had the energy to plan any kind of real vacation (even to a tropical island) right after. The term “mini moon” is going around & I think that’s the perfect compromise if you can swing it. I’m lucky enough to have a job where taking a big/long trip any time regardless of whether it’s a honeymoon is culturally fine, so I didn’t have to capitalize on “that one time you have an excuse to go” time period.
Meredith Grey
Tardy to this party but I got married in February and honeymooned right after. I think I’ve posted about this before, but I’m a huge proponent of not delaying and a doing lazy beach vacation/fight against your instinct to sight see. As an active traveler (i.e. can’t sit still, hiking, walking, seeing everrrything), I spent a lot of time angsting that we would be “wasting” a travel opportunity (vacation time + $) just sitting on a beach. Boy was I WRONG. After the wedding planning shenanigans and the actual whirlwind that came with the wedding, Dr. McDreamy & I were in HEAVEN basking in the sun, together and alone, being married. I wouldn’t trade it for anything and tell everyone who asks- just bite the bullet and take the honeymoon. In most jobs, it’s really the only time people will just be thrilled for you that you’re not in the office. Milk it! (And IMHO, that goodwill doesn’t extend to months and months after the wedding).
Anon
If your parents (with whom you have an occasionally fraught relationship after a long, complicated family history) said they were giving you $5K as a gift to help with a large, important purchase and then informed you (after the charge was made) that they actually intended it to be a loan, what would you do? We don’t need the money, never asked for the money, and were grateful for the nice windfall as a gift only. They are not poor AT ALL. I’m so frustrated and angry because we factored this into our purchase decision-making and because I thought they were actually making a nice gesture to me like they have for my siblings, but it was a lie again. Thoughts on how to respond (via email) without completely blowing up?
Anon
I have a similar relationship with my parents, so I understand where you are coming from. I’ve learned that there’s no point in having rational conversations with them. Are you still going to proceed with the purchase and take the loan? Or are you going to reject the loan?
Anon
Reject the loan. We have the money in the bank for the purchase, but it was so nice to think we were getting a generous gift to help out with it. I seriously have no idea why they think I would want a loan I never asked for.
Anon
Ok, since you’re rejecting the loan I completely agree with Anon below who suggests you say:
“Thank you for the offer to loan us money for X purchase, but we actually don’t need a loan. I was under the impression that you had offered to gift us the money, but as that is not the case, a loan doesn’t make sense as we do have the funds to cover the purchase.”
If your parents are anything like mine, there’s just no point in getting into an argument or having a conversation about WHY they did what they did. It sucks, I know, but I would also try to lower your expectations of them, like if they ever offer to be super generous in the future, I would be suspicious!
Anon
I like these scripts, but I want to address the fact somehow that we made a slightly more expensive purchase after learning that we’d get this gift. We would have gone with a lower-cost option otherwise. We can still pay it, but it’s not what we planned.
Anon
OP, why? Like what’s the point?
Anon
Because it puts a small strain on our finances, we were told one thing clearly and then told after the fact that it’s another, and it’s hurtful given the long family history I won’t go into here. I just don’t think I should leave yet another slight unaddressed.
Walnut
I would consider this a valuable lesson about the Bank of Mom and Dad. It’s not always fair, it can easily be used to manipulate and really should be a last resort financing mechanism.
My parents are wonderful, generous, and love to offer “Is it a gift or is it a loan” funds. Mom and I had a good conversation about how the money was getting in the middle of our relationship and we both agreed the Bank of Mom and Dad was closed for business. It might be time for you to have a similar conversation.
Diff Anon
But do you really think anything will change or bringing it up will have any effect? I am guessing it won’t, so saying something like this is really an attempt to make yourself feel better. I have never found that to work out the way I had hoped . . .
lawsuited
The small strain on your finances will still be there even if you tell your parents about it, right? Telling your parents that you feel slighted won’t change the outcome, but will escalate into a fight that will continue to require your energy. If you feel like you really want a fight, and it will make you feel better, then okay, but there are usually no winners in fights amoungst family so I doubt it will make you feel vindicated and awesome.
CMT
Yeah, you should really think about what you want out of this. If it’s just to let your parents know that they inconvenienced you, do you think that’s going to make anything better? If it will make you feel better, then go for it. But it sounds like it’s not going to change much about your relationship with them.
Anonymous
You could add something to the script along the lines of “Since you had offered us the money as a gift, we used that information in making our purchasing decision. While we can still cover the cost in full, your decision to change your mind will have a concrete impact on our financials which we did not anticipate and is not appreciated.” But – given the relationship you have described, I’m not sure this will actually have any positive impact and may result in just opening yourself up to conflict with your parents. In my experience, this would likely result in them throwing it back on you – despite the fact that they caused the issue. I would also be extremely wary of any offers of “assistance” in the future!
Anonymous
I would not respond by email. I would call. “Mom and Dad, you told us that you were giving us this as a gift. We made our plans based on that. It is too late now to decide you actually wanted to make it a loan. We will repay you, but know that what you have done is disrespectful to me and my family.”
Then I’d send them a check and a Christmas card and move on.
Anonymous
If you do not need the money to cover the expense in the moment, I would simply let them know you don’t require a loan for the purchase. I would then either return the money (if already given), return the check uncashed if possible, or if not transferred yet, just politely decline the money. The email could say something along the lines of: “Thank you for the offer to loan us money for X purchase, but we actually don’t need a loan. I was under the impression that you had offered to gift us the money, but as that is not the case, a loan doesn’t make sense as we do have the funds to cover the purchase.” Good luck.
Anon
I agree that you should just return the money and say you are not in need of a loan. Then don’t ever take money from them again. My mother does the same thing, or if it really is a gift it comes with so many strings attached and so much guilt/manipulation that it is never worth it I learned.
lawsuited
Have you taken the money from them yet? If not, then don’t. Just say: “When you offered us $5,000 toward the purchase of [item] on [date], we did not realize you intended it to be a loan. We’d prefer not to be indebted to family, so will make other financing arrangements.”
H
+1. There always seem to be strings attached, especially with a large amount like this.
Anon
Thanks everyone. I’m actually surprised that so many of you have had similar experiences – what is it with manipulative parents?
anon
My parents did something like this to me. I had decided to buy my first home and I was torn between two places – one in my budget and one that was a stretch (due to down payment, I could still afford the mortgage) but was MUCH nicer. I had the money for the extra down payment, but I didn’t want to basically zero out my savings to buy a house. Parents offered to give me the extra money I needed to cover the down payment. I signed the contract and then parents rescinded their offer. I had to choose between breaking the contract or taking my savings down to next to nothing to make good on it. It really strained my relationship with my parents for a good amount of time. Every once in a while they’ll dangle money in front of me when I’m in need – like when my car died unexpectedly – and it’s really a struggle to refuse, but I have to remind myself that I’m not going through that again.
Frozen Peach
My parents did this to me with college– I borrowed the cost of what I couldn’t pay because they had saved nothing– and I didn’t qualify for a ton of aid because of their income level. Then when I was a week into my first job in BigLaw, they told me that, despite having paid back my college loans as a gift, and telling me it was a gift for the last three years, they didn’t mean it as a gift and now were a) my creditors without my permission, and b) would be expecting payments of $800/week beginning immediately since I was now a fancy BigLaw lawyer. I almost had a nervous breakdown over it.
Anon
OP here. Omfg. What did you do? I had some similar student loan issues with my parents, but as bad as they can be, it wasn’t as bad as that.
H
Wow. What is wrong with people????
C. Ham
Oh my GOD. And I thought my dad was bad. (He took out a private education loan in my name, convinced 19-year-old me to sign with my grandpa as cosigner, and then used the money on his own stuff instead of paying my tuition. So still pretty bad.)
SC
Actually, I think that’s worse. Your dad defrauded you and the bank, and you were left owing actual creditors who can have a significant impact on your credit score, etc.
C. Ham
True. He promised to make the loan payments, but…I think you can guess how that turned out.
Blonde Lawyer
Wow. I hope you told your parents “good luck collecting” and wrote them off.
Eleanor
+1
Never too many shoes...
Please tell me that once you finished understandably freaking out that you absolutely refused to pay them a single penny.
C. Ham
Just piping in as another traumatized kid who learned the hard way that the Bank of Dad has the worst kind of strings and a gift is never a gift. My sympathies.
Anonymous
I am amazed by these stories. Have a 19 year old now about to go to University and would never DREAM of giving her anything but a gift. We are not hurting for money so it’s easy to say but — wow.
ANon
There’s nothing wrong with a parent giving their child a loan, especially if the parents can’t really afford to give the money as a gift. What I find horrific is that these parents are telling their children the money is a gift and then turning around after and saying, “Nevermind. You need to pay me back.” What terrible parents.
Senior Attorney
This has happened to me, right down to the “I thought for once they were doing something nice for me like they do for my sibling.” Ugh. It’s horrible. I paid it back and resolved never to take another penny from them as long as I lived. Also resolved never to believe another word that came out of their mouths. So far that’s working well.
Anotherone
These stories are very distressing! We have one child, 19, about to go off to university and we would never DREAM of giving her anything, saying it was a gift ,and then changing our minds! Wow.
Katie
I have a question about pencil skirts. I am very pear-shaped, and to be honest, not feeling great about my body. I tend to want to hide it, but then I see cute skirts like this and wonder if I could pull off.
If you are pear-shaped, what brands of pencil skirts work for you? Thanks.
espresso bean
Fellow pear here. I avoid pencil skirts unless I’m feeling GREAT about my body. I think they can work on us, but they need to be impeccably tailored and I need to be feeling slim and confident before I even put one on. Probably best to size up to fit your hips and then get it tailored at the waist. They almost never fit me off the rack. Good luck!
lawsuited
+1 No brand of pencil skirt fits me off the rack – I have to have them tailored.
ITDS
None. I am shaped like a pear, not a pencil, so I don’t find pencil skirts flattering no matter how “good” (read thin) I am feeling. I stick with A line skirts.
Walnut
+1 I finally broke up with my collection of pencil skirts and moved on to the world of Calvin Klein dresses.
Sloan Sabbith
Oddly enough, although pencil skirts generally make me look misshapen and ridiculous, the only one that I have that works is a Calvin Klein pencil suiting skirt.
NewRecruit
Me too Walnut! I miss my pencil skirt collection :( but must admit that Calvin Klein dresses fit GREAT off the rack. They have the perfect amount of give in the thigh and hip areas.
Anon
Tahari, Pendleton, Talbots have all worked for me. I buy a size up and tailor down the waist so they don’t pull at the hips.
anon
I’m pear shaped and I like the Halogen seamed pencil skirt. They used to come in a million different colors, but now I only see it in black and occasionally camel, but I love it. I size up and have the waist taken in. It’s got the right amount of stretch and structure for me.
Anonattorney
I’m a pear – bigger hips, smaller waist. I actually love pencil skirts because I think the silhouette is very Joan from Mad Men. I like the curve. I also think that a tapered skirt that hits at the right length is more flattering than an a-line, because the a-line always seems to just widen my bottom half.
I love the JCrew no. 2 pencil skirts in double-serge wool. Only the double-serge wool, though–none of the other materials.
Snick
I’m also a pear. I usually get a better fit in a pencil skirt in a petite, a size larger than my normal size (I’m normally a 6, so an 8 petite). I am 5’5″ and don’t otherwise wear petites. I think I am short-waisted or something. I still need to get the waist taken in. I like the way pencil skirts look on me if they fit well, but it is really tricky getting a good fit if you have curves.
Gail the Goldfish
Loft Curvy fit pencil skirts. That’s basically it that work for me.
Darla
I was going to say the Ann Taylor curvy fit. I haven’t tried the Loft version but hopefully they are similar.
TheElms
Seconded!
Anonymous
AT curvy skirts work for me in that they fit my smaller waist and larger hips/thighs but are not particularly flattering on my body type – they tend to bubble out around the butt and then get narrower towards the bottom. They’re better than most but not a holy grail for me. Would love to see a more straight up and down silhouette from them.
how to donate
I care about so many organizations and causes that I get overwhelmed. Am I better off giving a small amount like $10 to tons of orgs every month or one big check to 1-2 of my favorites? I like the first option, but I’m worried about ending up on dozens of annoying mailing lists.
Anonymous
one big check.
Stc
Question for all those who have the lands end dresses. I’ve washed and then air-dried but I’m not happy with what’s happened to the material. Anyone have any tips? I just got a new one and I’m considering only dry cleaning. I love the dresses and especially the new one with sleeves . Thanks in advance!
Yup
No advice except that this is why I stopped buying LE dresses. Bad quality.
Anon
I air dry all my knits, then put them in the dryer on Delicate for 10 minutes or so. It softens them nicely.
TheElms
I’ve had good luck drying inside out? They don’t last forever (1-2 seasons), but at the price point I’m ok with that, or if I really like the color I wear them on the weekends for another season.
Parfait
That’s what I do. I also only buy them on clearance.
career q
Career question for y’all. I’m always reading about how you can do anything if you’re smart and a good communicator and have a good network. But I’ve never felt so stuck as I do now in my career. Enjoy my job, but there is no room for advancement. I make 90K and have six weeks PTO. I’ve gotten spoiled with that and don’t want to leave for less $ or time off.
That decision seems to be really limiting. I see interesting jobs that pay 40-50K (or even 70K) and I just don’t want to take that kind of pay cut. I like saving money and feeling financially comfortable. But I don’t understand how some people seem able to reinvent themselves without changing their lifestyles and/or starting at the bottom in a new career path. Are they just better able to live with risk or less money? Thoughts?
MB
I think the “you can do anything” reinvention idea incorporates the idea that you will likely have to take a pay cut and start over at the bottom. I imagine that people who change careers to something in which they have zero experience only do so after saving enough so that they can take the pay cut without hugely drastic lifestyle changes, have an SO/spouse who can help support them financially while they get up and running, have family money, or take out loans.
I’m having a hard time thinking of a complete career switch where you can start making $90k without earning another degree of some sort, which of course costs money. I’m interested to see other responses.
Anon
Yes, was just about to say that if you transition from a non-technical to technical position/career, entry level in the latter may be comparable to experienced in the former. I got a technical (second) degree while working so it cost me time rather than tuition, but entry level salary in my new career was actually higher than my salary after a decade of experience in my previous career.
Moonstone
I started over twice — once at about age 34 and once at 44. In both cases, I went from making 60Kish to $34K. It was very difficult. In the career I started at 42, I was able to double my salary in about four years and now make more than I would have if I stayed where I started. But that’s the reality — 90K jobs generally don’t go to people with little experience.
Moonstone
Too many numbers in that post. I should have said “In the career I started at 44.”
Anonymous
if you don’t mind me asking, do you have a spouse who contributed to the family income while you were starting over? otherwise, I honestly just don’t see how it would be possible to do this. I am 39 and single, and would love the chance to hit the ‘re-set’ button. It just seems like an opportunity only provided to those who have help.
Anonymous
FWIW, I can give you my numbers and how I could do it if I wanted to. I am mid-30s, make $90k, have student loans, and own a house. My mortgage and my loans are my only debt – I paid cash for my car. I live in a LCOL.
I could do it by getting a roommate (at $500/mo that would cover 60% of my mortgage), putting my loans on IBR, or some other lower payment program, getting a second PT job, and really, REALLY buckling down with my spending. Would it be pleasant? Not really. But I could do it. You have to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons, the major con being the change in lifestyle IMO. I have ZERO desire to live with a roommate at this point in my life so that pretty much would seal the deal for me!
Moonstone
In my case — no spouse and no inherited money. I had a cushion of about 10K when I made the first change because I sold my house and moved back to my hometown. My generous sister invited me to stay in her spare room for 6 months, then I got a tiny, cheap apartment. There’s just not a lot of room for frills in the budget, although almost every year I took a big trip. It’s a lot of brown-bag lunches and no-shopping-for-entertainment and getting-DVDs-out-of-the-library. It’s not terrible if you know you are working toward a goal. I’m very happy I made the change.
Anonymous
I did something similar. My spouse was not working at the time, so it was hugely stressful but turned out to be completely worth it. It was financially possible for us because we were starting with no debt other than our mortgage and had about $15,000 as a savings cushion (which we ended up completely draining, fwiw – we had some expensive home repairs that first year). We also lived extremely frugally until my salary came back up, exactly as Moonstone described.
Even though you’re starting at the bottom without relevant experience, as you start to get even a little experience in the new field, whatever skills/experience you had in your old field will likely let you move up a LOT more quickly that a new grad in that area. I was able to move from a very junior position to a leadership role in just under four years… no way I could have done that in my mid-20s.
interview outfit advice
I’m flying to an interview tomorrow that has an evening dinner/networking session on the first night and a day of interviews on the second day. I need to wear a suit on the second day and a formal version of business casual on the first (like definitely a suit jacket, full suit will also be fine). Bringing two suits seems excessive to me, would you notice if someone wore the same dress suit both days? I could put a sweater or scarf on the first night under the blazer to make it less obvious. My best suits are all dress suits, which makes this harder. Or should I pack two truly different outfits?
Anonymous
Yes I would notice. You own two suits? Wear different suits.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I would…especially with dinner. What if you spill something, accidentally rip something, etc? The other option is a dress suit the first day and bring the matching pencil skirt and a blouse to go with the same jacket, but you still run a risk of spilling on the jacket or something otherwise happening to it.
TorontoNewbie
Pack two suits. What’s the harm?
Anonymous
I would bring one suit and a second dress that matches the jacket of the suit (preferably with long sleeves so I could go without jacket if I wanted). Wear the jacket both days, swap dresses.
anon
I would definitely pack two suits. I’m interviewing and don’t even want to wear the same suit to a second round of interviews a couple of weeks later. Two days in a row would definitely be noticeable.
donations
Is it better to donate a little to a lot of charities or a lot to just a couple? Especially after the election, I feel overwhelmed with options and am happy to give a small amount to lots of worthy charities, but I wonder if it’d be more effective to just focus on a few. Also, I don’t really want to end up on dozens of mailing lists.
No Problem
This is a really personal decision, so it’s totally up to you.
Personally, I prefer to give moderate or larger gifts to smaller charities than smaller gifts to larger charities. The $100 I give to the local food bank or domestic violence shelter probably has a greater immediate impact than $100 to Planned Parenthood or the Human Rights Campaign, although all are of course worthy charities and the latter two do depend on many donations of small amounts. And of course the first two aren’t at all politically motivated donations, they’re just where I choose to make an impact via donation.
LAnon
I also struggled with deciding on what to do with so many worthy charities. What helped me a lot was to come up with some guiding principles for my charitable giving. For example, I made a decision that I should prioritize humans over animals – I try to give no more than 25% of my giving to animal welfare societies even though they really tug at my heartstrings. I try to divide 50/50 between charities having a local impact where I live and charities doing global work. I also decided that my personal priorities should be women/children, hunger, and domestic violence, so I look for charities doing work in those areas. Setting a framework and then finding charities and donation amounts that fit into your plan is incredibly helpful.
I should add that I’m adjusting my priorities some after this election but still need to figure out exactly how – I want to make sure I’m supporting refugees and a free press in addition to the above.
Blonde Lawyer
I also struggle with whether it is better to give a lot at once or a little over time to the same charity. I think it depends on how they measure their metrics, how grants are handled and whether they are tracking the success of specific campaigns. You can check with the development director of the charity you have in mind.
ace
Kind of related issue — I was debating whether it made more sense to do recurring small donations to several charities (e.g., $25/month x 4 charities) or single, larger donations spread out over the year ($300 per year x 4 charities). For selfish reasons, I also realize that it may get complicated to keep track of the paperwork around the donations for taxes and that recurring donations could become an issue, e.g., if cc # changes. I think what I’m going to do is plan to make a $x donation to a specific charity around the 15th of the month every month (putting a reminder on my calendar). At the end of the year, I should have 12 receipts from 12 (or fewer, if I circle back) organizations.
Re: mailing lists: While they serve a purpose, if you’re opposed to being on a list, would making the donation anonymous help? I wish more charities offered an easier opt-out — e.g., if I make a donation in memory of someone to an organization that I don’t have a strong connection with, I feel like I’m wasting the charity’s money every time they send me a solicitation.
Anon in NYC
I’ve heard (anecdotally) that it’s better for the organization to do recurring donations because then they can better forecast their financials.
Anon
Ive heard the opposite from friends in the non profit world – it costs the same amount to process each small donation as a large donation so they would rather get a lump sum up front.
Anonymous4
Most NPOs I know are striving for a mix of the two. Automation of monthly recurring gifts is reducing time/cost of processing those gifts, and the stability is nice, especially for organizations that are highly seasonal.
Regarding mailing lists, I doubt being anonymous would make much difference in receiving mailings – to make a gift by check or credit card, they’re already collecting your personal information, so you’re going to be solicited. As a fundraiser, I don’t usually solicit memorial givers because of their lack of connection, but many NPOs do. The easiest way to get off a list is a simple phone call to ask to be removed. It’s not as low engagement as clicking unsubscribe on an email, but for mail items it’s the fastest way.
all about eevee
Hi, I work in fundraising. We would prefer you make recurring gifts. Also, you do not have to be included in solicitation lists if that is your preference, and most organizations are happy to mail you a tax statement of your calendar year donations to give to your accountant. Make sure that you talk to a development officer, though.
TO Lawyer
FWIW, I (on the advice of Senior Attorney) have a separate account for donations and add to it throughout the year. During the year, I contribute as things come up i.e. friends are doing a run for charity, charitable donation drive at work etc. At the end of the year, I look at what’s left over and decide where I want my money to go – last year, it was a humanitarian aid organization. This year, it’ll probably be women’s related groups. If I have multiple priorities, I just split it up. I’m sure I’m not saving the world but hopefully other people are doing similar things and the aggregate of our donations is making a difference.
Sydney Bristow
That’s genius and I’m totally adopting that strategy.
No Problem
This is a really good idea.
sweetknee
I used to do something similar. When we quit tithing to our church (long story), we took that money every month and put it in an account. At the end of the year, we gave 1/3 of the account to a local charity, 1/3 to a nationwide charity, and 1/3 to an international charity. I think last time, we did our local food bank, the American Cancer Society, and Doctors without Borders.
We still did the 10 and 20 dollar donations to various charities for fun runs, etc, but this was our “big ticket” donation account.
Walnut
My local community foundation has a “checkbook” feature that allows you to make contributions and disbursements through them. It’s easy for me to donate a set amount based on my year end tax scenario and then hold the contributions within the foundation until I am ready to disburse it.
I’m not sure how common this is, but perhaps something to look into?
AZCPA
Most community foundations do this, generally in something called a Donor Advised Fund. I highly recommend this, as it is the foundation’s job to wisely invest the money until you are ready to distribute it, so it grows a bit as it sits.
Senior Attorney
Yay! It’s so fun to make those decisions and donations at the end of the year, isn’t it?
Anonymous
+1
And if you already have an account with Fidelity, they have a nice Charitable Giving account that you can set up that makes it all really easy. You donate a lump sum to the account (then take that money move as your tax donation for the year) and then at your leisure, electronically donate to your favorite charities. Just click, and Fidelity sends the checks…
Sloan Sabbith
I’m in a FB group for nonprofit professionals, and on that level, they truly appreciate any donation amount. There’s usually a spot to put a note where you can ask to not be put on a mailing list- and, if you don’t mind, ask for them to skip a thank you note or letter, too. This is for smaller charities that handwrite or sign thank yous, obviously. I try to donate as things come up with a few bigger donations (big for me….) each year to causes I really, really care about (the foundation for the chronic illness I have, the org I work at, and usually something else).
anon
Still reeling from the election and suffering from some decision paralysis, I decided to keep it simple for myself right now with smaller monthly donations to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU. Once the dust settles, I may re-evaluate this (including the amount given, recurring or not, and the organizations themselves), but right now I just felt like I needed to do something and this feels good.
bravo
Former ACLU-er here and I can tell you that the money goes to a very good cause. Have since worked in another non-profit, then biglaw, and now in-house at a fortune 500 and the ACLU is run so well and very efficiently in comparison to all of these. The lawyers make next to nothing and make good use of their for-credit interns; they are running on passion in biglaw hours and work tirelessly for what is right — even when they personally disagree with it. (I knew the lawyers who defended the neo-nazis marching in Skokie, IL. One was the grandson of Holocaust survivors. He found them so personally repugnant, but very strongly believed in the right to free speech. Another was the son and brother of pastors who was fighting to remove crosses on federal land. Despite being deeply Christian himself, he believed it was not the government’s place to endorse any religion, even if it was “his own.” That’s the thing about the ACLU — they will fight for what’s right for everyone even when it’s not convenient and personally abhorrent.)
rosie
Thanks for your work, but can we not compare defending neo-nazis when you are the grandchild of a survivor with trying to get crosses removed from federal land when you are a Christian? I get that you are trying to give examples and it is good that both of these cases went forward, but they are not comparable to each other.
anon
Thank you. I like knowing that.
D. Meagle
Thanks to everyone who gave me holiday gift suggestions for an 11 yo girl yesterday. I went ahead and pulled the trigger on a craft project (was seriously considering a gift card, but thought she was still young enough to want something tangible).
Anonymous
Small brag alert: I was asked if I would be interested in teaching a contract drafting class at my law school! It’s of course peanuts pay wise, and will be a good bit of work for a first-timer, but I was happy that they thought of me.
BabyAssociate
That’s so cool, good for you!
Processing Mode
As for half of the country, the election results were an eye opener for me. So here’s a fun quiz that piqued my interest: Do you live in a bubble? pbs.org/newshour/making-sense/do-you-live-in-a-bubble-a-quiz-2/
Baconpancakes
Working class grandparents and a military upbringing put me at a 47.
Sydney Bristow
I got a 44. I think it was mostly due to having a physical labor job in a factory. The descriptions in my score range though didn’t really describe me though. My dad is a professional and my grandfather was in sales and grandmother was an executive secretary. I’m definitely not first-generation middle class.
I totally agree with the discussion below that this is only focused on 1 kind of bubble.
Anonattorney
This quiz irritates me. It assumes that only upper middle-class people or people who live in cities live in a bubble, whereas the “average white American” does not. That’s just . . . wrong. In my opinion, the bubble is flyover country where every town looks the same: same race, same churches, same level of education, same chain restaurants, etc. The cities are where cultures clash, where races interact with each other, where poverty is concentrated and wealthy people are confronted with class stratification every day.
Perhaps as a city dweller in a blue state I am disconnected from the life of a white person living in rural Kansas, but I am not disconnected from poverty, education issues, public health problems, and housing crises.
Again, I’m just really getting sick of the narrative that the “liberal elite” need to come around to white America’s way of thinking following this election. Nope nope nope.
CMT
This. Exactly.
Anonanonanon
“but I am not disconnected from poverty, education issues, public health problems, and housing crises.”
These issues look vastly different from urban America and “average white American” America, though. And understanding the issues is extraordinarily different than living and/or being meaningfully exposed to them. I am not disagreeing with you, but don’t forget to recognize the limitations of your own experiences (with “your” being anyone, not just anonattorney b/c I know nothing about your background).
Anonattorney
Thanks for the insight. I agree with you – it is a stretch for me to say that “I’m not disconnected from poverty . . . .” I am definitely disconnected from those issues because I currently don’t live them. I constantly need to remind myself that there’s so much that I don’t know about other people’s experiences.
But I’m not sure how I’m more disconnected because I am a city-dweller, or have a graduate degree, or don’t drive a pick-up truck or watch The Big Bang Theory.
Anon
Agreed – I scored a 76 (grew up on a farm, served in the military) but I am relatively disconnected from poverty, even though I see it regularly. Even in my small town, I’m in my own little bubble…
Anonymous
They are both bubbles. Yes, this quiz is skewed towards urban bubbles, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a bubble. The average white American bubble exists also. You can have more than one bubble, although this quiz is targeted at the urban and suburban bubbles.
No one is asking you to think the same way as the other side, but there needs to be some education of why they feel the way that they do. Just as when a commenter posted the long-running, why don’t you just leave your depressed area and find a job, mentality, it was clear that other commenters understood it is just not that easy.
Senior Attorney
Amen. And I say that as somebody who got a score of 48 on the quiz, which is not all that bubbly.
nutella
Agreed. I think the extremes on either end are both living in bubbles. It should be just as important to ask if you know an Evangelical Christian as it is to ask if you know a Muslim. Both assess how much you have tried to get out of your bubble and meet different kinds of Americans. It should be just as important for liberal “elites” to understand the America that has been “left behind” as it is for the other way around. After all, it is hard to understand why you should be sympathetic to Muslim families when you’ve never met one and only know them as terrorists on TV.
Anonymous
Yes. Plus I feel like some of the questions are not really even representative of mainstream American culture. You don’t have to personally own a pickup truck to use my dad’s, most Americans do not walk onto factory floors anymore (more work in government, retail, food service, professional services, and even hospitality), and the religion question only asks about evangelical Christianity and ignores Catholicism, which is separated by only 2% and the popularity of each varies by region. I don’t know that many Americans outside of those who served would know different rankings by insignia (I sure don’t, even though I have family members who serve), and Branson, MO seems like a very regional question.
ITDS
Despite my ownership of a pickup truck and frequent dining at Outback Steakhouse I only scored 18. Honestly, I’m not surprised.
Blonde Lawyer
27 and this described me:
11–80: A first-generation upper-middle-class person with middle-class parents. Typical: 33.
Anonypotamous
I feel like there should be a question like, “are you taking this quiz”, which an affirmative answer to would automatically deduct like 60 points.
Anonymous
Lol, true. I got a 29, and I’m pretty sure most of those were on account of my military service. I grew up midwest middle class with a professional, high-prestige dad and a SAHM (with a master’s degree), and loved Ponderosa’s and though Macy’s was fancy. But now I admittedly live in an elite bubble… no points for childhood.