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Updated: Feb 11, 2019 503 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Walker Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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mmlafleur-walker-topOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love this gorgeous, wrap-inspired top from MM. LaFleur. It's so chic and refined, but simple and versatile at the same time. It looks great with ankle pants as pictured here, and it would also work well with trousers or pencil skirts. I think you could even layer this on top of a tank dress or a sheath dress if you wanted to give it a go. MM. LaFleur notes that the top, which is made in the U.S. from silk jersey, is “bust-friendly,” “middle-friendly,” and “maternity-friendly.” It's $240 and available in sizes S-XL. (XS is currently sold out, but you can ask to be notified when it's back in stock.) The Walker Top Two more affordable tops are here and here; two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Threadjack! Can anyone who has seen an improvement in chronic insomnia share what has helped them? TIA!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I wish there was a magic solution. I’ve struggled with this my entire life. I remember being 7 years old and completely unable to sleep.

      Honestly though, I’ve found that it just cycles. It can be awful for months or years at a time then suddenly I’ll be able to sleep more easily for awhile. I try to focus on sleep hygiene by turning off the lights when I’m almost ready for bed, getting up at the same time every day, etc. It doesn’t necessarily help the insomnia but it is helpful when I finally cycle to the point where I’m sleeping better.

    • Hermione

      This Works herbal scented Calm Balm and Deep Sleep cream. And being stricter about waking up at the same time every day, even on weekends.

    • Anon

      The book “Quiet Your Mind and Get to Sleep” was incredibly helpful to me.

    • Anon

      I recommended CBT to a friend after reading about it in the NYTimes and she reported some improvement. She also met with a sleep clinic and found it even more helpful. Try googling “CBT insomnia NYTimes” and you’ll find the article.

    • Anonymous

      Ambien or Trazadone, plus therapy for general anxiety, plus exercise, plus yoga and meditation, but it’s not fool proof.

      • Anon

        I second Trazodone – it’s a miracle drug for me. It doesn’t have many of the side effects or addiction problems that a lot of other sleep drugs do. With Trazodone I take Klonopin maybe once a month or so when I’m particularly stressed.

    • Frozen Peach

      Strict sleep hygiene (no screens at least an hour before bed, only light mysteries as bedtime reading, dim lights, routine, etc); melatonin, magnesium glycinate, the hypnosis DVD “I can make you sleep,” writing down a list of anxious thoughts so they are out of my head.

    • Anonymous

      Routine. Going to bed every night at the same time, getting up in the AM at the same time. Even on weekends.

      No screens 1 hour befor bed. No cell phones, TV, computer etc..

      Bed for sleep and sexy time only. No TV etc..

      Daily exercise.

      Is your brain racing at night? Then get a mindfulness App, and start practicing to help you relax at night.

      Consider taking a tiny dose of melatonin with dinner (1-2mg is plenty).

      Consider getting a happy light at sit by it for 30 min in the AM (at home or at work), if you have trouble waking up.

      And if your anxiety is still uncontrolled…. Therapy or an anti-anxiety medication.

      • Ses

        I swear by melatonin, especially when travelling across time zones. I have found that a smaller dose is better – actually .3 mg (about a third of a 1mg tablet) is all I need. This very low dosage seems backed by the sleep.org people, whoever they are.
        It functions differently from most sleeping pills, and I find I have no groggy affects. It is more like the type of sleep you get after a long day at the beach.
        https://sleep.org/articles/how-much-melatonin-to-take/

    • Anonymous

      quitting caffeine and alcohol, turning a/c down to 72 at night (Florida)

      • Anonymous

        This is key, and I forgot it in my list. No caffeine after 2 or 3pm. Also cut down alcohol.

      • Anonymous

        OMG, I wish my room was anywhere near 72 at night… maybe I would sleep better, hah. (NYC, radiators seem to not come on unless the outside temp drops below 40 overnight)

        • Wildkitten

          Colder is better for sleeping. She is cooling it down to 72. You’re already below 72.

          • Anonymous

            I agree that 68 is better than 72 for sleeping, but there’s a point at which it’s too cold to sleep well. Sounds like Anon at 10:52 is at that point.

          • Anonymous

            Yup – I prefer mid-60s at the lowest, and I’m pretty sure we’re dropping below that. “Colder is better” has its limits.

          • Anonymous

            We live in the northeast and sleep at 60 degrees, and I could go colder!

          • Anonymous

            I live in the Midwest and we set our heat to run at 65 overnight in the winter.

    • AnonMN

      More “natural” methods that I found during pregnancy that are still working when I am no longer pregnant: Chelated Calcium + Magnesium (chelated helps it absorb) a few hours before bed or an epsom salt bath before bed. Both allow for magnesium absorbtion, which tends to be one cause of insomnia. Vitamin D and B regimine help me to be calmer during the day, which helps my sleep at night.

      I also did a meditation program (hypnobabies) for a natural birth. The “relax” track put me to sleep every night (this from a person who had NEVER previously fallen asleep in a noisy situation or sitting up, both happenend with this track) and I slept so well. I haven’t had to utilize it yet, but remember thinking to myself that I would have to find a good non-pregnancy meditation track for when my sleep gets weird.

      But for not natural methods, ambien is always sure fire for me.

      • PEN

        There is also a hypnobabies track called “Peaceful Sleep now for all” that my husband and I use. My husband calls it “audio NyQuil”—his insomnia is related to falling asleep and the track works at least 90% of the time for him

      • Anonymous

        A bit of a threadjack, but since I’m waking up naturally at 6a every day anyways I’ve been wanting to get on the everyday exercise train. My problem is that I have to wash my hair after I exercise, no exceptions, and my hair really does not take well to being washed every day in the winter.

        Any suggestions for routines, products? Dry shampoo does not cut it, unfortunately.

        • Winter hair

          If your hair is drying out with every day washing in the winter, I would suggest showering as usual but every other time using only conditioner (no shampoo). I recently have started doing this for my overly processed hair and have noticed improvements! FWIW I use Garnier’s Whole Blends conditioner

          • ChiLaw

            Or even just a thorough rinse with a washing-like motion with your fingers on your scalp, no product. That’s what I do when I have to shower every day, with my “please don’t wash me every day” tempered hair.

        • Anonymous

          I have to get my hair wet everyday and I HAVE wash / rinse after working out. My head definitely sweats. BUT I only shampoo a couple times a week and I work out 4-6 times generally. Shower after your work out. Scrub any product out with your fingers and apply conditioner. (I have curly thick hair FWIW)

    • Ms B

      Having a kid, which got me to the point of exhaustion on a more or less daily basis and gave me the ability to sleep and fall asleep almost anywhere. I have only had insomnia about five times in five years since the kid was born.

      Before that, a strict no caffeine program, daily exercise, a regular bedtime routine, and just getting up when I could not sleep. I found I did a lot better if I just got up and either cleaned (before the hubs) or read or paid bills (after the hubs) instead of lying in bed awake.

    • New Tampanian

      Sleep schedule is important along with general sleep “hygiene” (no tv in bedroom, no blue light screens (kindle paperwhite ok), a warm shower or bath, cool room, etc.)

      Trazadone has helped me a bit. I will use ZQuil if I’m having a really hard time.

      One thing I learned recently in therapy is “Gratitude ABCs”. When your mind won’t settle down, go through the ABCs assigning something you are truly grateful for to each letter. It can be something simple like “A is for Air.” If your mind drifts off, try to bring it back to where you left off in the ABCs. This is helped me a lot recently.

      • Moonstone

        This makes me think of the “Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)” scene in White Christmas.

    • Anon

      Aromatherapy – seriously. I’d spray my pillow with a lavender scented pillow spray and rub a small amount of a lavender oil on my forehead and on my lower stomach (no idea why putting it on your lower stomach works, but it does).

      Also, reading my Kindle in the dark on a low-light setting helps me fall asleep much faster than reading a “regular” book with an actual light on.

    • Kelly C.

      Sleep Phones and podcasts or audiobooks that are entertaining enough for me to start listening, but boring enough so that I can fall asleep. The sleep phones are soft headphones. I usually go to sleep in 15 minutes or less, but it takes 45 minutes plus if I can’t listen to my podcasts or audiobooks.

  2. anon

    I got a new job, so I’m leaving my current job in about 6 months. I really don’t like it here, and knowing that I’m leaving is making it even more intolerable than normal. I have a bad attitude, and that’s making it worse. Any tips for keeping a positive attitude between now and then?

    • Anonymous

      This may not work everywhere, but in many jobs you can cut back to 80-90% effort without people really noticing or caring. This is especially true if you have a billable hour job where you often do work that’s not super urgent just so you can meet your hours goal. Fill that extra time with whatever you enjoy, whether it’s learning a new language or just online shopping. You can also probably be a little bit more liberal about when and where you work. When I was in your shoes (as a Big Law associate) I just started working from home a lot. People didn’t care in the short term as long as I got my work done. I believe it probably would have affected my long-term future at the firm, since I wasn’t getting the same facetime other associates were, but I didn’t care about that, and even though the work was the same I was a lot happier doing it snuggled in bed with my dog than at my desk in a freezing office. I also took a vacation and didn’t do any work (other than responding to a couple urgent emails), which was glorious.

    • Yup

      You have a light at the end of the tunnel! Set a countdown or do sometime every month or week that you survive. And every time sometime bothers you, change your mindset to “I will only have to put up with XYZ for 5 more months!” The worst part of a bad job is the hopelessness sometimes. But you are out of there! Kill em with kindness. Don’t burn any bridges. Throw some carnations off your boat as you row row row the f8ck away from there.

      If there are any other advantages you can take advantage before you leave (paid training, certifications, paid networking, association dues) take them now.

      Try making a list of everything you hate. I did this when I had 6 more months of bartending before grad school. All the time in school I would be like, it wasn’t so bad… then I would pull out my list and be like oh yeah a lady threw a red wine in my face once. Now all I am dealing with is a printer jam.

  3. anon

    How bad of an idea is it to buy a white down jacket? It’s machine washable, but I’ve heard that machine washing won’t really get out the kind of stains that the jacket is likely to pick up. Any thoughts on this?

    • Anonymous

      I had a white down-alternative jacket. I loved the look but was constantly washing it to remove grime from the cuffs and collar. It is very tough to remove stains from the synthetic fabric that these coats are made from. I would pass unless it’s inexpensive, you don’t mind washing it all the time, and you are fine with expecting only a season or two of wear out of it.

      • lawsuited

        +1 I had a white parka for one season that only really looked good for the first month. I had to wash it a lot to remove make-up stains around the hood/collar so the whole thing turned sort of off-white, and many stains did not budge despite washing. I would not recommend.

      • TorontoNewbie

        If it’s a canvas (I’m thinking Canada Goose and equivalents), then I think you can get the stains out much more so that you can with a synthetic. But it’s still risky. I wouldn’t risk it, but then I’m a klutz and I want my parkas to get several years of wear.

    • Anonymous

      Is it bright white or off-white/cream/ivory? I am messy and generally don’t keep my clothes in great condition but I haven’t had a problem with cream or ivory winter coats. I don’t think you really get stains in a coat (since you almost never eat or drink while wearing them). A bigger issue is just the grime that gradually accumulates on all clothing (especially if you travel a lot and are regularly putting the coat on x-ray machines, in overhead bins, etc.). That stands out a lot more on a bright white coat than on a cream or ivory coat.

        • Baconpancakes

          That one will probably be better than most, because it’s much more cream than white. Also, I have that coat in black, and it is SO WARM. If you’re not in a cold climate (I’m in Virginia and I can only wear it for about two months a year), it might be too warm.

          • anon

            Awesome, thanks. I’m also considering the burgundy, but the idea of having a white/cream coat is just so appealing to me. Do you find this coat relatively shapeless, or does it do okay on that front?

          • Baconpancakes

            It’s not too bad, for a puffer that will keep you warm! I think I’m a lot less picky about coats being flattering and sleek than some, though.

        • Betsy

          I just bought that coat in navy, and I love it. I have already gotten some marks on the bottom though, so I think I would recommend a darker color unless you have a keeping things clean super power. It’s harder with long coats, because they are so likely to brush against the dirt on the side of the car. I was expecting it to be much more shapeless than it is, I actually feel pretty cute in it.

      • lawsuited

        Except for tea/coffee/hot chocolate stains. A lot of people wear coats and drink coffee while commuting.

    • Anonymous

      I would suggest using Scotch Guard or some other stain-resistant treatment on the coat while still new.

    • anne-on

      What brand? I have Patagonia jackets for our whole family and they definitely get grimy around the cuffs but wash beautifully. And their customer service is fantastic. They also tend to have fantastic sales right around January/February is you can wait.

      • Anonymous

        I have a white Patagonia down jacket. It’s no more worn than any other Patagonia jacket, although it does get a bit grimy on the cuffs between washings. Otherwise, it’s 4-5 years old at this point and still going strong.

    • Anonymous

      I love my white down jacket. Mine is slightly cream, and I wish it was white.

      It is not my primary coat. I also have a black down coat that I wear more, and several wool coats etc… I wear it less than once per week in winter.

      But I love wearing all black except my white coat.

      Easy to clean, and I wash at the end of every winter. I wash myself, following directions, dry well with tennis balls in machine. All stains come out easily. I sometimes use stain removers.

    • Fishie

      I had one, and nothing could get out the stains around the wrists from touching salty/dirty cars.

    • jumpingjack

      I have a cream-colored down coat. After one wearing you can already see where my makeup rubbed off on the edges of the collar that touch my face. And I don’t wear that much makeup. Do not recommend.

      • pugsnbourbon

        This happened with a down jacket I scored on clearance at Lands End – it wasn’t white, but it was a bright green. I wore it basically every day during the winter, and there’s grime all around the collar that will. not. come. out. I can only imagine it’d be worse with white.

      • Anonymity

        Wearing a light and Or fluffy scarf regularly can stop the makeup transfer problems.

    • nona

      I got one (knee length, from the GAP) about 8 years ago (awesome sale) and was fine with it. it would get a bit grimy around the cuffs and hem, but a regular wash (maybe some stain stick) would brighten it up just fine. I don’t wear foundation, so makeup stains were not a concern.

      Not all the cuff/hem stains came out, but I didn’t feel like they were terribly noticeable either (maybe the quilting helped to distract)?

      I only got rid of it after I got sick of wearing it through the polar vortex winter a couple years back and replaced it with a light gray coat.

    • S

      I’ve had my off-white/cream CK down coat for the past 4 years. It started getting grimy-looking after the first month in a Chicago winter. It’s not actual dirt – it’s the friction of car seats and subway seats and slush and stuff you can’t possibly clean off every single day. I love the coat but the color is my only regret. For me, it’s not worth the hassle of cleaning it thoroughly every day when I’m already freezing and miserable in winter.

  4. Batgirl

    I have flat feet and need to find some “indoor shoes” with good arch support. Are crocs flats good for this purpose? Ideally, I’d find a cozy slipper with arch support for the winter (I work from home most days).

    Thanks!

  5. Elnora

    Any prosecutors out there? I’m not a lawyer and I’m trying to figure out if a briefcase (for Christmas) would do my husband any good. FWIW, his office and his main courtroom are in the same building. Thanks!

    • lawsuited

      A rolling litigator’s briefcase would be useful, but a traditional briefcase would likely be too small.

      • shamlet96

        +1. No one carries briefcases to court, at least as far as I’ve seen (i’m a prosecutor).

    • yes

      I second the rec for a rolling one. DH asked for a Hartman this year– I really like the tan ones with the darker leather accents. There are also less spendy options. Even with office/courtroom in the same building, he is probably carrying several files at once and could use a rolling briefcase. (Unless there’s no elevator)

    • ELS

      Thirding a rolling briefcase. Doesn’t need to be huge, but even when our office went mostly digital, a regular briefcase wouldn’t have cut it for big court days.

    • Anonymous

      No, unless he’s mentioned this/asked for it. If you are in the same building, everyone just grabs the file(s) they need and walks over. If it’s more that that, we shove it in a box. For calendar days there are carts. A briefcase or rolling bag would be odd.

      If you are looking for suggestions, art for the office (appropriate) is great. A co-worker has a painting of the thinker, someone else has a Hopper print, that kind of thing. Sports are also popular.

    • Elnora

      Thanks everyone! Sometimes it’s just as important to know what not to buy.

  6. Charitable Works?

    Can we have a thread with ideas for charitable donations in a creative way?

    I just sent a dozen soft, fluffy throws to a group of retired nuns (via amazon of course). I have sent food from harry&david in all the years before and just came up with this idea. Trying to be creative.

    Other thoughts?

    Where/How do you give to others besides making cash donations?

    Let’s go…

    • mascot

      Some non-profits have wish lists of things they need on their website and you can just have it shipped to them. Other times, I make a monetary donation because the organization can make the money go further through their supply sources than by me paying retail for an item- I’m thinking of places like food banks.

      • lawsuited

        +1 I give cash because non-profits are often able to match cash donations with in-kind donations from suppliers. Sending physical items like throws might make the giving feel more creative and fun, but it may ultimately be less useful.

    • Cb

      Oh that’s very nice! I’ve picked up toys for the toy drive but haven’t done much beyond that. I’m thinking about doing a £50 spend in superdrug on shampoo, soap, and deodorant for the women’s shelter. Apparently they can always use toiletries. I keep meaning to pick up socks in the sales as well as this is something you can’t get used.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Get feminine products (trying to avoid moderation)! They ALWAYS need them and people forget to buy them for homeless women.

      • anne-on

        Take the toiletries when you travel and include them in care packages to our deployed troops. Also I try to make it a point to bring diapers/wipes/formula to food shelters, they are always DESPERATE for these items at our local one.

    • giving tuesday

      I have a friend that collects spare/leftover/donated yarn and knits hats, mittens, and throws and sends to specific charities for which those items are relevant. She does the legwork on collecting donations and pays for shipping, and it gives her (and others- she’s expanding…) an outlet for all the stuff they stress-knit.

      • Knit One, Purl Two

        I knit hats for my local NICU, and blankets for Project Linus.

        • Espana!

          I do this, too. My mom was a teacher and always made quilts for Project Linus. Locally, we have Threads of Love, which does similar work.

        • nutella

          My sister-in-law miscarried and eventually had to deliver stillborn; it was incredibly sad and traumatic for her but she was so touched by the hand-knit preemie hats for the NICU babies, a simple and sweet gesture of care from a random stranger. Thank you for this comforting and kind donation.

        • Anon

          I had a totally normal baby and received a gorgeous hand knit hat. A nearby women’s prison sends them :-)

    • Marshmallow

      Our charitable budget is fairly small, but my husband and I always participate in a yearly “winter wishes” program for low-income kids. We give one or two gifts that way each year. Tomorrow, we are going to a happy hour benefiting a charity that helps women reintegrate into the workforce and society after prison. They have a wish list of items and if you bring a gift, you get an hour open bar for free. I’m less interested in the alcohol and more interested in learning about their organization, but I think it’s a fun way to get people out on a weeknight.

      I’ve also been considering donating to the Standing Rock camp via their Amazon wishlist, but a lot of it is fairly expensive electronics, etc. I might send them an Amazon gift card.

    • Anonymous

      Doing the Salvation Army Angel Tree is one of the highlights of Christmas for me. I love getting the kids’ lists and picking out something they’ll love. I always buy extra socks and underwear as well.

    • Anonymous

      I call my local hospice nonprofit, and ask if they have any clients who are alone and would welcome a holiday visitor. I buy them something they need, like warm slippers/robe/throw, and something sweet, or whatever the hospice says they would like. And then I visit and spend time with them. And sometimes Incontinue to go back and visit them until they pass.

      • AnotherAnon

        Wow…this is beautiful. I wish I had the strong and yet compassionate mind to do this kind of work. Thank you for doing this.

      • Samantha

        I’m inspired. Just googled and found a nonprofit hospice so close to my home! Looking into doing this.

        • hospice

          Pleased you guys like this. I hope some of you try …

          When I was in high school, I used to go to the local nursing home and play an impromptu concert of Christmas carols on the violin for the residents in their lounge. And then I would go room to room for the ones who were bed bound, ask them their favorite song/carol, and play for them. And then give them a chocolate chip cookie.

          Every single one of them cried.

      • Ellen

        This is very nice. I wish I were as thought ful as you. I think I will DONATE $1000 to the nearest hospice today. YAY!!!

    • AnotherAnon

      I don’t directly send stuff to charities. Our company organizes collection events for various causes throughout the year and I donate through this. They always provide a list of things they need and I buy from the list. This way they get what they really need. This year, through events organized in our company I donated:
      1. To women’s shelter.
      2. School supplies drive for schools with mostly poor children.
      3. Food drive for the local food bank.

      Our apartment management organized a drive to collect things for an organization that houses people who survived/rescued from domestic violence situation. So I donated for that. I have also learnt knitting this past year and I have knit many baby sweaters which I will be donating to women’s shelter through volunteers from our company who work regularly with the shelter.

      Previous years, this type of donations include toys for children in women’s shelter, packages for deployed troops, toilet paper and socks for some organization which houses poor, salvation army adopt a family program where you send christmas gift for a family (you will get a list of things they need).

    • Sydney Bristow

      I used to sew heart shaped pillows for my local hospital. They gave them to patients recovering from open heart surgery as something to hug when coughing.

      This year my siblings and I are adopting a family for Christmas. We’ll provide the food for a holiday meal, necessity items, and some gifts. Previously we did this through the Salvation Army but I’m not comfortable with their LGBT-related policies so I’ve requested we do this through a different organization. I think we are reaching out to our state’s ALS society chapter to see if they can recommend a family.

      A friend is putting together a care package for protestors at Standing Rock. I’m not sure where exactly she is sending it. So far she is collecting blankets and medical supplies.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Aw, I’m so glad to hear this. I never heard anyone mention them before so I knew they were being used because the hospital kept requesting them but I’d never known anyone who received one. I hope he recovered well!

          • MargaretO

            My grandfather had a donated teddy bear with a big red heart on it when he had heart surgery and he loved it! It was many years ago but I still remember it, thank you.

          • Anon in NYC

            My dad had one when he had heart surgery as well! I think it definitely helped. Thanks!

          • Sydney Bristow

            You all are awesome for sharing the stories! If I wind up getting a sewing machine like I’ve been thinking about, I’ll definitely start doing it again.

          • Anon

            He’s aces, thanks. He used that pillow a lot. Coughing after chest surgery is super painful and those pillows are a comfort.

          • Dahlia

            I’m a doc and I see these on the cardiac ward all the time. They are really important when people are healing from a sternotomy wound! I never realized people hand-made them… I guess I thought they came from a big medical company. Its really lovely to think that people are sewing them!

    • Clementine

      I am usually a giver of cash, but I am also all about giving socks to the homeless shelter near me.

      Socks are very needed but (for obvious reasons) people don’t donate used ones like they would donate jeans or even jackets. Rolling in with a huge shopping bag full of thick men’s socks, they seriously get like rockstar excited.

    • all about eevee

      I am near Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and we have experienced terrible fires and high winds this week. Last night, many properties and places of business were destroyed. Please donate to the people who lost their homes and their livelihood in Gatlinburg this Giving Tuesday.

    • Emmy See

      My church has a Giving Tree, where you take an ornament-shaped tag with a gift category (like “toy, girl 3-4 years” or “$25 Target gift card”) and then bring in that item for a local homeless center.

  7. Fa La La La La

    ‘Tis the season for holiday parties! What are you wearing to your holiday party? Mine is cocktails right after work, so I need to find something “festive”, but not actually formal. I’m a bit stumped. Any suggestions?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe a LBD with a plaid scarf? I have loved black watch tartan since Kate Middleton’s Alexander McQueen dress.

      • lawsuited

        This is what I was thinking of wearing – I’m 6 months pregnant and the only maternity dress I have is only plain black so I thought about pairing it with my family tartan and some coordinating coloured suede pumps.

        My alternate is a pair of black ankle maternity pants and a flowy black blouse that has gold and silver beaded/sequined starbursts on it with coloured suede pumps, but I wonder whether that’s more NYE?

    • Marshmallow

      We don’t have one this year, but the last few years I wore a slightly nicer dress than usual with a blazer during the day. Then I removed the blazer for the party. You could also try switching out boots for heels, or adding jewelry.

    • anonshmanon

      Nobody at my work really pays attention to how people dress, so I can get away with my normal office wear plus silly earrings. This year, it will probably be snowman earrings.

    • emeralds

      Normal work clothes, because ours is from 2-4 in an office conference room. Hooray for the holidays.

      Otherwise, my go-to is a white wool miniskirt with a festive top, black tights, and boots; or for more casual parties, jeans, boots, and a sequined jacket.

    • Law Firm Newbie

      If a law firm Christmas party invite calls the party a “Holiday Party” with a “Holiday Cocktail Buffet” – would you assume the invite to mean cocktail attire? My SO will be a summer associate there next year, so I don’t have anyone to ask. Big law, if it matters.

      • lawsuited

        Time of day makes a big difference with holiday party. If it’s at night, then assume festive cocktail attire, but if it’s during the day or immediately after work then assume work attire with slightly more beaded blouses and red than usual.

    • ChiLaw

      My workplace is having a party on site at the lunch hour. Last year I wore a bright green fit and flare dress, patterned black tights, a black waxed denim moto jacket and black booties. I felt really great. I have no idea what to do this year.

    • CMT

      I’m wearing a red plaid pencil skirt from The Limited that I actually saw here, with a black velvet cami.

  8. Sheets

    Does anyone have recommendations for extra-deep fitted sheets? Organic cotton preferred, but not absolutely required. We’re getting a new mattress topper and I don’t think our regular sheets are going to fit.

    • FP

      Not organic but I love Kirkland-brand sheets at Costco. They fit my super-deep mattress and have held up well, plus the set comes with four pillowcases. They are reasonably priced and can be purchased online (and perhaps without a membership? Some items on Costco.com appear to not need a membership to be purchased).

      • Tech Comm Geek

        We’ve had great luck with the Costco sheets too. We also just got a mattress topper, which I love.

    • Anonymous

      Not organic but the Threshold percale sheets from Target are deep fitted and great!

    • Anonymous

      Related: can anyone recommend a brand with shallow pockets. My mattress is on 10 inches, and all the sheets I can find now are deep pocket.

      • Sheets

        The Target Threshold fitted sheets I’ve bought as standalones, though described as deep pocket, work very well on my decidedly not deep mattress. Lots of elastic at the corners and they stay on well. They’re also inexpensive, and I’ve been happy with the quality.

    • Kelly C.

      Company Store, although your options may be more limited if you really want organic.

  9. Sparkly sweater

    I’d like to get a sparkly/festive crewneck sweater to wear for casual holiday gatherings. I’ve seen nice ones with tiny sequins and/or glitter before, but I’m not sure where they came from. Any ideas? I’m interested in something that looks more luxe than cheap.

  10. giving tuesday

    I know typically the advice is to give more to fewer charities. I don’t have a big giving budget this year, but I’m seeing a lot of places with matching challenges. If I give a very small donation to several charities that have a big matching challenge today, am I right that that makes more sense than one larger donation? I have heard that the cost of adding donors is often greater than the donation for small donations…but for something that has a 1M match challenge it seems like it would be worth it.

    Thanks for your insight!

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I work at a nonprofit, and from what I’ve seen on groups and pages I’m a part of, no donation is too small or unappreciated- especially if you let the charity know you don’t need to get a thank you letter or note. Adding donors to systems is almost entirely electronic and can be automatic. It’s the donor relations that can take ages. One person said “We almost appreciate the smaller donations more, because it’s likely that’s what the person can afford, rather than being just a drop in the bucket.”

    • AIMS

      If you shop on amazon a lot, they have a program that will make a donation to your charity of choice if you use a designated page (smile.amazon….. i think).

        • pugsnbourbon

          Yes! I have used this for the last couple of years – I’ve only earned about $11 total for my group (Partners in Health), but it’s a great way to add on to my annual gift.

        • Anon

          Yup! I’ve been using this for the last few years to support the Fistula Foundation. It’s not much but it makes me feel a little better about my Amazon impulse buys.

  11. Sloan Sabbith

    I know we’ve discussed these things before but my searching wasn’t coming up with answers.
    1. Just got an Echo Dot. What’s your favorite thing to do with it?
    2. What do you keep in your work bag on a daily basis? Currently, I have my bullet journal (a small to medium sized notebook), a journal sized Moleskine for any and all work and phone notes, Kindle for the bus, headphones, pens, pills (ibuprofen, pills I need all day), and usually a folder or two. No iPad or computer; don’t need it at work.

    • Marshmallow

      1. Our Echo is slowly getting very integrated into our lives. I really like it for cooking because I can ask Alexa about conversions, set a timer, etc. You can even integrate with Allrecipes and ask for suggestions, then have a recipe sent to your phone. My husband just started slowly acquiring the light bulbs that go with it, which are fantastic and convenient, but IMO a little excessive.

      2. My Kindle and a small makeup bag are pretty much it. I use an iPad Pro at work but I leave it at my desk overnight except for the weekends. My makeup bag includes the contents of one of those “emergency kits” I keep refilling, so it has tiny versions of Advil, a sewing kit, double-stick tape, a tampon, lip balm, tiny nail file, etc.

    • BabyAssociate

      I always start the day with “Alexa, what’s the news?” and she reads me the NPR headlines as I scrape myself out of bed. I also have Philips Hue bulbs, which I control through my Echo.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Really excited to do this. My family listened to NPR every morning from the time I can remember. Since I started college, I’ve never had a radio (fixable. I know) and never, ever remember to stream it on my phone. But I adore NPR. I was always the kid at school who would hear my teachers talking about news stories and throw in NPR’s two cents.

    • emeralds

      Work bag, which is a super-chic backpack from grad school: small zip-up with Advil, tampons, gum, tissues, etc.; a few spare pens; phone charger; lightweight rain jacket in case of unexpected weather on the walk commute; clutch with wallet, keys, business cards, lipstick, and chapstick; and whatever’s in my lunchbox. Maybe a different pair of shoes if I’m commuting in rain boots. I don’t have to tote any electronics back and forth, fortunately.

    • Anonymous

      Echo dot things I like…

      I ask it every day what the weather is going to be, what’s on my google calendar. I mean to figure out how to ask it for info about my commute, but I have told it my commute route yet.

      I am lazy about my music. I still have lots of CDs and don’t have all of my music loaded on my computer. So I appreciate all of their music I can access for free on Amazon prime. So I say…. “Play Lou Reed songs”….. or “play jazz”…..or “play the 4th cello suite by Bach”.. and am always impressed with what I kind find.

      I set up playlists of some of my favorite music that I ask it to play. I have a bedtime playlist, and I set it on a sleep timer to stop playing after 15 minutes.

      I bought one for my father for Xmas. He is disabled, so I also bought a starter kit so that he can control his lights by voice, and will set up a safety skill it has so that if he falls and can’t get to a phone, he can yell to it to “call my Buddy….my daughter” and it will call/text/email me.

      In my bag:

      Notebook with To Do lists, handwritten.
      Work folders
      iPad
      Cell phone
      Pocket calendar
      Sunglasses in a case
      Coffee thermos
      Keys
      Pens/pencils
      Small makeup bag
      Gum
      Hand sanitizer
      Comb
      Wallet
      Wristlet
      Bag insert holds many of the items

      • Sloan Sabbith

        The number of times I’ve not looked at the weather and realized it’s pouring rain when I’m in tights and flats is embarrassing- maybe this will help.
        That’s a great idea for your dad. I might get my dad one for our living room- he LOVES music and I have the feeling the moment I taught him Jeopardy my mom’s sanity would take a nosedive.

      • Anonymous

        I complete forgot my favorite thing about the Dot.

        I am a big radio listener. You can ask it to play any radio station you want. I ask it to play my favorite NPR station from NYC. And the best is I just ask it to play the This American Life “station”. And it just plays one episode after the other.

          • Anonymous

            You can upload music from your iTunes into your Amazon cloud. I think it has a limited storage size thou, unless you pay an additional fee. The additional fee gives you access to all of the Amazon music for free, and a ton more music cloud space. Not sure about playing iTunes directly though…

            If you are Amazon prime member then you get a lot of free music from their collection. But probably not the new stuff without an additional fee.

        • KateMiddletown

          All of the above and you can pick which one it defaults to. My daughter loves being able to say Alexa, play Kidz Bop (set to come from Spotify.)

      • Senior Attorney

        If she knows your commute, you can just ask, “Alexa, how’s the traffic?”

        • Senior Attorney

          Also if you say “good morning, Alexa!” she will tell you a fun fact about the day, like “On this date is 1961, Sputnik was launched” or whatever…

    • Emmy See

      2. My bag has my lunch, wallet, phone, and entertainment for the subway/bus (currently a book). It’s supposed to have chapstick but I forgot. Sometimes it has makeup. I work with sensitive data and never take anything home, so I could honestly commute with just a purse, but I feel like that would look unserious somehow.

    • Curiouser

      “Alexa, add X to the shopping list.”

      As long as we make sure to remove the items when we buy them, this means
      (1) Boyfriend and I can go to the grocery store when it’s convenient and automatically know what the other needs
      (2) I can stand there chopping carrots and add things to the list without interrupting the cooking process.

  12. AIMS

    Just wanted to post a recommendation for Uniqlo’s heattech tights. They tend to sell out by mid winter and so by the time I remember I need some, it’s always too late, but I just ordered a bunch – on sale and with free shipping today. If you tend to run cold, the whole heattech line is good but I find the underpinnings too hot for all but the coldest days. The tights are great though. And they won’t wear out in a few washes like the fleece ones (sorry, is that still sacrilegious to say around here?)

    • Anonon

      Thanks for the rec. I need new gray tights. Is the sizing at Uniqlo true to size?

      • Anonymous

        Do they sell thick heattech leggings? I picked up a pair to wear around the house/with long shirts on Black Friday but they were just so thin I couldn’t see them as anything but a layering piece for under pants, maybe dresses. They were definitely Not Pants.

        • anon a mouse

          No, the ones I have are basically like thin tights, but still super warm. I wear them under dresses. As someone who regularly blows out the toes of my tights, I tend to wear leggings + socks with boots.

  13. Interview questions

    I have an initial phone interview for an in-house counsel position coming up and have been trying to anticipate what questions I might be asked. Interviewers are the head of HR and the head of compliance. Did anyone get a question that threw them for a loop?
    background-I’ve spent my legal career in this area of law (it’s a highly regulated industry) and have always wanted to work in-house so I’m pretty comfortable answering why I am looking to move

    • ChiLaw

      Two thoughts:
      – Depending on how big the legal department is, they may need you to be a bit of a generalist. Are you comfortable with things outside of your expertise (or are you comfortable in your ability to get quickly up to speed)? The straightforward stuff I think would come up would be employment, basic contracts stuff, and insurance.
      – Think about in-house counsel’s role in the company, and how it’s different from outside counsel. Depending on the specifics, there could be a significant shift in your goals as an attorney. For myself, moving from litigation to in-house, I really had to readjust my thinking from “how can we win” to “what is best for the big picture, long term?” which doesn’t always look like a “win” if you are just looking at the litigation perspective.

    • Mary Claire

      Generally in initial interviews I’ve gotten mostly “tell me about yourself” and “why are you interested in this position” type questions, and I was really thrown for a loop when in an initial call they started asking me how I would define certain legal terms.

  14. Anony

    How do you tell your best friend who has been trying to get pregnant for 1.5 years that you are pregnant with your third child after just two months? Ugh. I would give her my pregnancy if I could and try again next month.

    • Anon

      By email, but quickly. Don’t delay to spare her feelings–that would be worse–but give her space and time to react instead of putting her on the spot. And don’t make it about your feelings; just tell her matter of factly.

    • Anon

      You leave out the “after just two months” part for sure. Unless she asks, and then you be direct about it. It’s going to be hard for her no matter what, even though she knows it’s not like either of you can control this, but being dodgy won’t help.

      • Tutti

        +1 I’m your friend. I’m happy for you. Make the news about you and not about me (ie: leave out reference to timing, as it’s irrelevant to anyone else who would receive the news that you’re newly pregnant).

        And, congrats!

    • anonshmanon

      I am your best friend. Don’t worry. I can wish for a child of my own and at the same time I can be happy for you without a grudge. Ron Weasley wouldn’t understand, though…

    • Anon

      Ugh, I’m dealing with the same. Got pregnant a month after getting married the first time we tried when literally everyone around me is struggling (best friend, hairdresser, cousins, coworker. . .). Any advice as to how to tell everyone without coming across as uncaring or smug would be appreciated.

      • Anonymous

        As people above said, just tell them: “We’re pregnant! Yay.” It’s far more smug to package it with “It happened so fast! We couldn’t believe it” or something like that. They’ll draw their own inferences about the timing, but people expect married people of a certain age to get pregnant. It really isn’t going to be that big a shock to them (and if they’ve been trying for a while, you surely aren’t the first person they’ve seen get pregnant very quickly).

    • lawsuited

      I’m only pregnant with my first, but I know that some of my friends find my pregnancy painful because they would very much like to have a child but other aspects of their life which they can’t control aren’t in order yet so they are in a holding pattern. I think the best way is be straightforward in telling her (ie. not hide your pregnancy or over-correct and apologize that you’re pregnant) to go about your pregnancy relatively quietly in your relationship with her. With some of my friends, I only talk about my pregnancy if they ask about.

      And I agree, leave out that “after just two months”. It’s not really probative and will make the differences in your positions seem even more acute.

    • Anonymous

      I have a similar situation with my sister. I asked her before we started trying how to tell her if it happened and email for sure. Gives her the control of where and when to hear the news.

      Send an email. Make the subject line “News for when you have a moment to yourself” or similar. That way she can read it when she’s ready. In your email, let her know that she can set the rules around how much you talk about it. Tell her that she can tell you that she doesn’t want to talk about it and that you will understand.

      She will likely feel both genuinely happy for you and devastated that it’s not her. Neither she nor you can change that so just support each other the best you can.

      • Anon

        What a caring, kind subject line. I’ve been the OP and I’ve been the sister. Thanks to all who have addressed this with consideration.

        • Anon 10:31

          Thanks. The situations haven’t been easy for either of us. I appreciate your comment.

          • Anon 10:31

            And for the negative commentators below, I said my sister’s situation was ‘similar’ because I didn’t feel the need to share details. I suggested the subject line I would use or for OP to use something ‘similar’ – again based on conversations with my sister about how she would want me to handle it. Many people open emails from their best friends pretty much right away. My sister would not have been able to keep it together at the office if she had done that.

            If you think this is anything like similar to being single/friend getting engaged, I’m going to presume you have never dealt with the devastation of infertility.

          • Anonymous

            It seems that your sister had communicated that she wanted to be told this way, so I think it’s very kind that you followed her wishes. But – as someone who has been trying to have a baby for almost two years now without success – I would be much more upset about receiving the kind of email you sent your sister than I would be about simply receiving a “Guess what? I’m pregnant!” email from a best friend. I do not want to dwell on the fact that I can’t get pregnant. I would much rather a friend just tell me their good news and allow me to be happy for them. Yes, I will have pangs of sadness that it’s not happening for me, and I will deal with those emotions as I see fit. I do not like to be told that someone expects me to be sad or emotional and that’s essentially what your email does.

          • Anonymous

            And fwiw, although I’m struggling with infertility and haven’t been single since I was ~18, I think there are a lot of parallels between telling a single friend who desperately wants a boyfriend that you’re engaged and telling an infertile friend who desperately wants a baby that you’re pregnant. I don’t think you can just unilaterally declare that one kind of pain is worse than the other. It’s all tough stuff, and very individual.

          • Anon

            You don’t think an inability to get pregnant is at all similar to an inability to find a spouse? That’s ridiculous. Both finding a life partner and having a child are life goals for many women and ones that are completely up to chance for the most part. Neither one can be controlled but are hugely important socially in our cultures. They are very similar. Give me a break.

          • Anon

            Comment in moderation – but yes, there are tons of parallels between not having success finding a life partner and not having success starting a family. Both of those things are hugely important to most women and both of those things are largely impacted by factors beyond a woman’s control. I think you’re just tone deaf on this in general – from your statement that those two issues aren’t similar to the way that you would condescendingly have these conversations with your friends.

        • Anonymous

          yeah, that’s actually completely condescending and would irritate the beejeezus out of me.

      • Anon

        I think adding the “for when you have a moment to yourself” is a bit much. Sure, leave out the details regarding how quickly and effortlessly it all happened. That’s not really appropriate to share in almost any context unless you’re specifically asked about it anyways. Even if you think the news that you’re pregnant is going to make her slightly upset, I think it’s strange to make it so clear that you’re assuming as much.

        • Anon

          I am not at the pregnancy stage of my life yet, but I am chronically single. If, every time one of my friends got engaged, they prefaced their announcement to me with a big “I understand how hopelessly single you are so you can set ground rules about whether I talk to you about this” kind of messaging, it would probably make me more upset than I’d otherwise feel. I would prefer just a happy announcement and for those considerations to be brought up separately and only if I need them.

          • Anonymous

            Exactly this. The “please read this when you have a moment alone” is so condescending to me (and drives home the point that the happy life event isn’t happening for them).

        • Anonymous

          Agree. The news may upset her, it may not, but having someone act like I’m going to be so upset I need to isolate myself and set up special rules to hear what is pretty average news would also be upsetting/annoying – it’s not like you’re telling me that my mom died. You’re basically telling that friend that she should feel terrible whenever you talk about your kids. Just tell her the news and leave out the details – truly nobody wants to hear details about anyone else’s babymaking.

          • Anonymous

            +1 million, especially “truly nobody wants to hear details about anyone else’s babymaking.”

          • Anonymous

            Couldn’t agree more with that last sentence, even in a context other than infertility. Friends announced the existence of a “very special souvenir” three months after a fancy Italian vacation and gave their child an extremely Italian name that is not popular in the US (they are not Italian). Ick, ick, ick – especially for that poor kid who is no doubt going to hear the story of their conception a million times before they turn 18.

    • infertile myrtle

      I’m your friend. Whenever I have a close friend get pregnant, I actually prefer they tell me in person, but judging by the responses perhaps I’m alone in that. The good ones went like this: “I have some great news–I’m pregnant and due in ____!” This gives me an easy response: “Congratulations! So exciting! How are you feeling?”

      The bad ones went like this: “I’m pregnant and I’m SO SORRY but my birth control failed/we weren’t even trying/we had only been trying for X months/I’m so sorry it’s not you.” Because seriously, besides the personal sting, why are you telling me those things anyway?

    • H

      I was you a couple years ago, with a close coworker who was TTC. She was the first person I told at work and I told her privately and directly. She asked a few questions and was really excited for me through out my entire pregnancy but I tried not to talk about it too much around her.

    • rosie

      Email as soon as you are ready to tell her, don’t hide it to try to spare her. Don’t go into detail about how long you were trying (as others have mentioned) or how bad you feel about your comparative situations–saying you feel guilty or wish it could be her not you just puts your emotions on her to manage. Honestly let her be happy for you and feel all the things she’s feeling without adding to her burden. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

  15. Anony

    Another quesiton. I have some light acne scars. I asked my laser hair removal person who does other laser things what the best treatment is, and she suggested a skin pen. Has anyone done that? Is there another procedure that would be better?

    Thanks in advance!

    • anne-on

      What kind of scars? Are they indents? Or discolorations? For discolorations I’ve had great luck with hydroquinine gels. For the divot types, I think your only options are laser/injections.

    • Calico

      I have red marks from acne and have had great success with a few IPL treatments.

    • Anonymous

      For discoloration, look up the terms “PIH” and “PIE” because there are some very comprehensive guides on Korean skin care blogs. For indentations, I’ve heard lasers, dermarolling (which can be done at home), and repeated chemical peels (which can actually also be done at home if you do your research).

  16. Anonymous

    Chicago peeps:

    Looking for a cool “experience” gift for my sis and bro in law. Mid 30’s, no kids, live in Wrigleyville (and have for years).

    • Anonymous

      Gift certificate to a new restaurant they would like.

      Gift certificate to Steppenwolf theater.

      Gift certificate to the Music Box theater.

    • Anon

      Are they foodies? I would say Alinea or Next if they are and haven’t been there.

      • housecounsel

        I live in Chicago, and a gift certificate to Alinea is one of the best gifts I have EVER received.

      • housecounsel

        That sounds like the most miserable experience ever to me!!!!! However, my teen daughter just went to an escape room party and loved it.

    • ChiLaw

      I love the Chicago History Museum — membership there and/or one of their drinking tours (they do like, speakeasy tours and such) could be cool. Or Begyle Brewery has a sweet growler club (CSB) that I bought my husband for Xmas one year. You get monthly growler fills and some other perks.

  17. TorontoNewbie

    Does anyone have any tips for keeping a fairly small condo clutter-free and organized? Partner and I are struggling with this. We have someone who comes in and cleans every two weeks, but with two people working BigLaw-esque hours it just seems to keep getting messy. I definitely don’t do my fair share and want to improve but when you get home at midnight it’s so much easier to just toss clothes over a chair than it is to put them away.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Welcome to my life. No advice, just commiseration. I get stressed when I get home late and the flat is a mess but at the same time I don’t then want to tidy it because I’m tired.

    • Anonymous

      Huh, I actually found that my apartment was much tidier when I was working crazy Big Law hours because I was never home to make it messy. Is it possible you have too much stuff? It’s much easier to keep a place neat when everything has a place it belongs.

      • TorontoNewbie

        We definitely have too much stuff. Merging apartments + wedding presents means that we desperately need to do a “things” cleanse. Maybe that should take priority.

        • anon

          Yep, your apartment will never be tidy until you get rid of stuff. You’ll be amazed how much easier it becomes then. Purge time.

        • Marshmallow

          Yep, this. Purge purge purge. For me the biggest clutter-maker was clothes and books.

          Also, we got a sorting laundry hamper with removable laundry bags. Makes doing laundry much tidier and easier to sort things as you throw them in than make different piles on laundry day.

          My only lasting conundrum is what to do with things like pajamas and jeans that have been worn once but aren’t really ready to wash yet. It feels weird to put them back in the drawer (and I’m lazy). Sometimes I fold them on top of my dresser but it looks messy. I don’t have a chair in my bedroom anymore, which used to be my “chairdrobe” and took care of this problem.

          • CMT

            I don’t understand why you wouldn’t put them away if they’re clean enough to wear again.

          • Kelly C.

            My solution for this was to hang up a row of hooks on the back of the bathroom door and put the “sort of clean but sort of dirty clothes” on it. I go through every two weeks and toss stuff in the laundry if I haven’t had time to wear it again. The key is to find a space for them because they don’t go with your clean clothes, but they need to be organized.

          • Marshmallow

            I like the hook idea. Less messy than throwing everything on a chair, which was my old MO before we moved and I lost out on my bedroom chair.

            @CMT, I don’t know why, really. Sometimes I fold the jeans back up and put them in the drawer, but I never do with PJs. It seems weird to me, is all. I will say that my PJs tend to get cat hair on them even if they are not really *dirty* so ideally I’d like to not get cat hair on otherwise clean clothes in my drawers.

          • Amy H.

            I hang once-worn trousers (upside-down) and jackets — sometimes sweaters too — on hangers over our radiator. They air out and the steam takes out all or nearly all wrinkles and freshens them up. This also works if you can hang them around the bathroom/shower rod etc.

        • Senior Attorney

          We are in a similar situation, having merged households.

          I think clutter comes from not having convenient places to put things. It’s a little gimmicky/New Agey, but Marie Kondo’s book about tidying up is a helpful place to start: You purge everything you don’t love, then everything that stays has a home where it gets put away every single time.

          And Marshmallow, I love hooks on the back of the door for those worn-once clothing items.

    • Marilla

      Get a pajama basket! Or basically a basket for re-wearable clothes. That way when you’re exhausted at the end of the day, you just need to dump laundry in the laundry basket and other clothes in the pajama basket, and then you can hang, sort, etc on the weekend or a day when you get home a little earlier. If your clothes are dressier than mine though and you’re worried about wrinkles, you maybe want to buy a clothes rack or hat rack or a bunch of 3M hooks so you can hang jackets/suit pants/skirts somewhere quick and easy.

      Truthfully I have found the only way to stay really on top of everything is to tidy every night even though I’m wiped out – I have to at least tidy what I need for the morning, otherwise 6 AM will be a disaster. (Rushing to wash sippy cups while giving baby breakfast and packing my own lunch is not the recipe for an easy morning.) But having lots of baskets to toss things in to deal with later at least helps contain the clutter. Winners/Marshalls/HomeSense usually have a bunch of options. The more structurey bins are better than the soft fabric baskets, but in general look for one that is wider rather than taller/deeper.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I made a section of a dresser drawer the “pajama” area and it helped immensely with my leaving clothes out problem.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I did something similar by putting two Command hooks inside my closet for this purpose. Gets them out of the way for cheap!

      • H

        I do this. Not OP’s issue, but I also put baskets all over the house for toddler toys so I can just throw them in and instantly the room looks cleaner.

    • Anonymous

      Make it easier to put clothes away. Maybe this means hooks over your closet door, so you can hang your clothes there instead of on your furniture. Make a designated place for mail, and just dump it there. Strategically placed hooks and shelves on walls can help create designated places for your stuff so it doesn’t clutter the table and couch/chairs. Even just picking up a couple of small (shoebox-sized) bins can help immensely with paper clutter (e.g., receipts, mail, recipes, keys, etc.).

    • Delta Dawn

      Have you done a purge of your belongings recently? I find it’s easier to put things away when there are fewer things. I try to live by “don’t put it down, put it away.” Combined with the idea of every item having a home or a spot where it belongs, this has cut down on clutter at our house. I agree it’s so much easier to just drop things when you get home– but if I spend five minutes putting my clothes away, replacing my shoes in their “home,” etc., it keeps me from having to spend more time on a big put-everything-away marathon when it gets out of control.

    • Anonymous

      Konmari – take a really hard look at how much stuff you have. Once everything has a specific ‘home’ it’s much easier to tidy quickly when you have 10-15 minutes. Consider increasing cleaners to weekly if you can afford it. I find the switch helps keep us on track with tidying which is more than worth the extra cost.

    • Anon

      My husband and I live in a 550 sq foot efficiency apartment that doesn’t feel messy or cluttered at all, but it does take a bit of effort. We have found that we need to be extremely vigilant about how much stuff we have. We do a serious purge at least twice a year and try not to accumulate too many things in the first place. We also set aside time every Sunday to clean the apartment/put things away.

      Also, i feel you on being tired at the end of the day, but the truth is that if you want your space to be tidy, spending 5-10 minutes per day putting things away is key. For me, that means opening/sorting mail as soon as I walk in the door (like, before I take my coat off), hanging up my clothes/putting shoes away when I take them off, etc.

    • Wildkitten

      We got a bunch of really cheap Ikea laundry baskets, and can just put things that aren’t where they belong into the baskets. Then you can put the baskets away when you have more time. That way the clutter is corralled and not just everything. But yeah, you need to KonMari.

    • Baconpancakes

      In addition to the KonMari (really does change your life to have fewer things), plan for not putting things away. Not going to hang stuff up in the closet? The laundry basket “re-wear” option is a good place to drop stuff. Same with mail, shoes, etc. If you know you’re not going to put your shoes “away,” change your definition of “away.” Maybe it’s not lined up in your shoe boxes – maybe it’s just in a basket by the door.

    • MargaretO

      Purge! A lot! And once you have truly gotten rid of everything find a home for each thing you own. Some problem areas I have found a solution for:
      – I got a basket to dump junk mail in and it lives under my entryway table where I drop off my purse etc. when I come inside. Then I just put all of the junk mail in the recycling bin in the kitchen when its full.
      – I have a valet stand for rewearable clothing, and a few hooks for the jewelry that I have in heavy rotation.
      – The really big thing is that I make myself repurge every 6 months. The first time is painful but maintenance purging is much easier!
      I still have some clutter but definitely way less than before. I also have realized that less clutter is still much better and I don’t have to achieve a perfect clutter free home in order to enjoy my efforts.

  18. argh

    A few months into dating, my bf found out he’d gotten an academic job in a different city. We were together almost a year and broke up before he moved. It was largely because of the move but not entirely–we both had some doubts/frustrations. I wanted to stay together and work on it, he wasn’t sure and thought the long distance would be a distraction from trying to build his new life.

    So we broke up for 9 months. I had no contact with him but missed him basically every day. I went on a lot of dates but never stopped comparing them to him or truly got over him.

    A month ago, he called and said he wanted to get back together. I wanted it so much I just agreed. Since, we’ve been spending ~3 nights a week together, plus a few skype/phone calls.

    When we’re together in-person, the relationship is like when we dated before. He’s not magically a different person and it’s not perfect, but overall it makes me happy.

    But when we’re apart…I feel very insecure, which is unlike me. As soon as I get on the train back home I start feeling bad. I question whether I made a mistake and doubt whether he really wants to be with me, I fret if he doesn’t call me every day or sound excited to hear from me, I worry he’s going to meet someone local. He dated a lot while we were broken up and was in touch with one of his previous exes who still wants to date him–there’s no real reason he shouldn’t have, but I think it contributes to my insecurity.

    I’ve talked to him about some of these fears and he hasn’t been that supportive–he can be really uncomfortable with/resistant to having discussions about feelings, which has always the worst part of the relationship. If he would just reassuringly say “don’t worry, I love you and want to be with you and won’t let the distance get in the way,” I think I’d be okay. But he is an emotionally awkward engineer and just would not utter a sentence like that. He’s better at solving practical problems. We have a good in-person connection and I don’t feel these doubts much when we’re face to face.

    I don’t feel good, and I can’t tell what’s due to the pressure of long-distance vs irrational anxiety on my part vs legitimate doubts about the relationship. For now I’m counting the days until I see him this weekend. Any advice about how to think about this would be welcome.

    • Anonymous

      “I don’t feel good, and I can’t tell what’s due to the pressure of long-distance vs irrational anxiety on my part vs legitimate doubts about the relationship.”

      I have to go with “legitimate doubts,” and I say that as someone who has successfully done long distance with my now-husband for 5 cumulative years, and has seen a lot of friends do long-distance successfully. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about long distance relationships, it’s that you have to have a supportive partner who will reassure you that he loves you when you’re feeling sad or insecure. This is especially true because he’s already broken up with you once and your doubts are not in any way irrational. You say yourself you’d be ok if he would just say “Don’t worry, I love you and want to be with you and won’t let the distance get in the way.” The fact that he can’t say that is deeply troubling to me. (And fwiw, my husband is also a STEM type who fits a lot of the socially awkward stereotypes, but has no problem saying things like that to me, especially if I tell him I need some extra reassurance. PLEASE do not excuse his emotionally distant behavior because of his profession. It’s not an excuse and it’s not ok.)

      • anon

        +1 my husband is also a STEM type and for various other reasons has very limited experience with close relationships with people and is probably emotionally stunted in many ways. But once he understood that I really needed to hear things like this sometimes, he definitely does it. It turns out he actually does it really well, and I think really enjoys it. If he knows that you need the reassurance (we can’t expect mind readers, after all) and doesn’t do it, I’d say you have a problem. It seems like he may not be invested enough in you or your feelings to just do it.

          • anon

            Oh, also, not with emotional reassurance in particular, but with other kinds of emotional support he didn’t figure out how to do it well right away, but it was definitely obvious that he cared and was trying. He’d want me to tell him what was off the mark and provide more direction. I say this to convey the point that it isn’t always going to be easy, but there’s no excuse for not trying and eventually learning it.

      • argh

        Thanks. It’s troubling to me too that he can’t say that when I’ve asked him to, but I think if I want to be in this relationship it’s a price of admission.

        • Anonymous

          What? No. That type of thing is not a price of admission thing. This is a need that you have every right to need and want in a relationship. A price of admission thing is chews irritatingly, or leaves socks on the floor. Asking your partner to meet one of your needs in a relationship and him flat out deciding not to do it is not a price of admission.

        • Baconpancakes

          My SO isn’t a verbal affirmation person, but when I ask for an affirmation, I get it. I had to change my expectation that he would spontaneously say those things, but I also had to change my translation of his actions. When he brings me tea without me asking, or makes the bed when he’s the last to get up in the morning (he thinks beds don’t need to be made but I do), I translate that into “I love you and I want to make this work and make you feel special.”

          Agree with below though – that low level of anxiety and doubt – that’s your gut telling you something. This isn’t right.

    • Anonymous

      Break up. This isn’t making you happy. Work on your confidence and insecurity.

      • argh

        It’s not making me happy. I was low-level unhappy the whole time we were broken up, but this is just a different kind of unhappiness.

        I just wish there was a way of fixing it instead of walking away.

        • Anonymous

          There isn’t. You can’t “fix” his personality because he isn’t “broken” he just doesn’t work for you.

          • Anonymous

            I disagree. He sounds broken to me – assuming she’s telling him this is what she needs to hear and he still can’t say it (as someone pointed out above, no one can read minds). That’s selfish/thoughtless behavior.

          • Anonymous

            You could just as easily say she is the broken one for needing him to stroke her insecurity. He’s big broken, he is disinterested in meeting her needs. There no way to fix that.

          • Anonymous

            I guess I just don’t think OP sounds insecure. Needing constant reassurance in a ‘normal’ relationship is one thing, but when a guy has dumped you (ostensibly because of distance) and then taken you back but you’re still long distance, I think even the most secure person would need to hear him say at least once that he’s not going to bail because of the distance again.
            (And he’s “uninterested” in meeting her needs. Disinterested means “unbiased.”)

          • argh

            I’ve told him what I need to hear. He really struggles to say it (like, he tries and can’t get the words out). I love him but he is for sure a little broken.

        • Calico

          Maybe part of your unhappiness during the break up was your lingering “what if” questions. And now you know! You got back together, tried it, it’s not working, so you can break up and start the process of moving forward.

          • argh

            I can certainly say I’ve tried as hard as I can in every reasonable way to make it work.

          • Wildkitten

            I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out for you. Even if you rationally know that ending the relationship is the right thing to do, it still sucks.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Yep, move on. It is always better to be single than in an unhappy relationship. Don’t waste your time. I kick myself for turning down all the men who hit on me while I was in a miserable relationship. Learn from my mistakes.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been in a similar, “it doesn’t feel good” but still really liked him/thought he was the one situation. FWIW, I finally realized that a serious relationship should feel good and my problem was basically that I didn’t think I could do any better or that I deserved better, which I no longer believe. The right guy may not know how to make you feel secure right off the bat, but he should be willing to learn and do it.

      • argh

        Feels similar, thanks. It’s not that I don’t think I deserve better…it’s that I want him, regardless of whether he’s the best I can do. But yeah, not feeling great.

        • Anonymous

          But that is thinking you don’t deserve better. If you believed you deserved better, you would DTMFA.

        • Anonymous

          10:25 here. I think the “I want him” even though you don’t feel great is the issue. There is a true dissonance there, and in my case it stemmed from the fact that I was used to tolerating anxiety and being pushed away (thanks mom and dad) in relationships that I didn’t appreciate there was a whole other plane of relationships out there that didn’t involve me trying to fix or prove myself to anyone.

          • argh

            Thanks for coming back. Yeah, I have a terrible family and I’m used to tolerating not getting a lot of emotional support. It’s not that I want that, but that I’m more okay with it than other people are/willing to make a trade-off for other things I want/need more (which my boyfriend has in spades).

    • Anonymous

      Your relationship should make you feel more awesome — meaning, more loved, more yourself, and more supported — than the most fun day you’ve ever had with your best friend. YOU get to pick this person, and you get to keep looking for someone who really truly lights you up. Someone who makes it more fun to be with them than to be alone.

      For now, break up with this dude, start therapy, get on a low-dose anti-depressant, and throw YOURSELF an fantastic holiday season. You’re frigging awesome! I know it’s lonely, but embrace the loneliness (you’ve been hung up on this dude for at least 2 years), stop dating for a little while, and date yourself. Start finding out what you truly love, and then you’ll find people who love those things too, and can love you in a way that does make you feel good.

      • argh

        Really? Is that how most people who are in relationships feel? Looking at the people around me it doesn’t seem like that to me, but if so I feel even worse about my situation.

        I did start therapy during the breakup, but it hasn’t done that much for me in my opinion. She says I’m doing great, but I kind of feel like…of course she would say that. She just says “it takes time to get over someone and it makes sense to feel what you’re feeling.” Not sure why I have to pay a ton of money to hear something so obvious, if you know what I mean.

        Anyway, thanks for the nice comment.

        • Anonymous

          Yes!!! Most of us feel better in our relationships than out of them. That’s the whole point.

        • Anonymous

          I think that saying relationships are like the “most fun day you’ve ever had with your best friend” is kind of an exaggeration. There are definitely days when I want to kill my husband and I have had some good times with my parents and best girlfriends that are as good or better than many of my happy days with my husband. But on the whole, yes, you should definitely feel better in your relationship than out of it, and your partner should be one of your closest friends who generally makes you feel happy and uplifted. If that’s not the case, you need to get out of the relationship.

          • Baconpancakes

            Yes, every day won’t be sunshine and roses, but overall, your life should feel dramatically better WITH your SO than without him.

            And remember, the choices aren’t This Guy vs. Loneliness. The choices are This Guy vs. Literally Millions of Other Men Who Would Totally Be Super Into You. Someone (I think Senior Attorney?) said that every day you’re with the wrong person is another day further from finding the right person.

        • Scarlett

          Yes, in good ones. Supported, loved, never anxious about the future of the relationship. I spent years with people who made me feel otherwise and never believed this version until I met my husband. Dump this guy you’re with and look for someone who makes you feel good.

      • Anonymous

        I’m the Anonymous at 10:53. I think your relationship should make you feel that awesome. Maybe not every moment, maybe not every day, but overall, your day should be dramatically better with your SO than without him (or her!). After a slew of abusive relationships, it had never occurred to me that I could be in a relationship with someone who just made me feel generally awesome, and so I offered this comparison to a day with your best friend as a way to re-frame what you’re looking for and expecting from a relationship — you’re looking for a partner, not some sort of taskmaster who makes you exhausted/drained/miserable. Obviously there’s a lot more to a relationship than could be expressed in a brief website comment, but I hope you do find happiness after this dude.

  19. anon

    One of my goals is to become a charismatic person. I know this is kind of odd since we think of this as more of a trait one either has or doesn’t, but I’m going to try anyway. I’m not socially awkward, but I’m introverted and do best one on one. I’m good at building and sustaining relationships over time and pretty good at reading people, but I’d like to develop a more magnetic outward persona, and I have no idea where to start. Probably upping my small talk gain. I’d really like to hear suggestions about what else I could do to this end.

    • Anonymous

      Ask people questions about themselves and act genuinely curious and interested in them. People love that even when they’re onto you.

        • Senior Attorney

          Oh, ugh.

          Sorry, WK, but people who do that drive. me. nuts. “Hi, Susie! How are you doing, Susie? That’s a great point, Susie!” It always makes me feel like they just left a Dale Carnegie class about how to win friends and influence people. Ugh.

          And honestly, I’ll be the spanner in the works here. I feel like becoming a charismatic person is not at all a worthy goal. Seriously. Like, that is the very last thing that the world needs… more charismatic people. Ugh and ugh and ugh ugh ugh.

          How about being actually kind and actually competent and more authentically who you truly are?

          • Wow

            This is definitely a minority opinion. I have an unusual first name and when people use it correctly in conversation, I see it as a huge plus and I always feel more favorable to the other person. Obviously, you don’t want to be calling them by name constantly, but using it every now and then is enormously effective.

            When I was interviewing in Big Law, a partner told me straight up that I was the most impressive candidate he had seen interviewing for a summer associate position. And of all things, guess what he pointed out to me? That I immediately started using his name, and that showed great confidence. I laughed at the time, but I still remember this to this day.

          • anon

            SA, I don’t think that charisma and the qualities you point out are mutually exclusive.

          • Anonymous

            I think this can go either way. If you use everyone’s name in conversation multiple times, including with people you really don’t know very well, it can come across as sales-y and fake like SA said. But I do think there’s a lot to be said for using names. My boss says “Good night Jane” to me every day and it comes across as a lot warmer and more genuine than just a casual “Good night!” But he’s also not a fake person at all so it’s hard to imagine him saying something just to influence people. How it comes across probably depends a lot on the person saying it, tbh.

          • Sam

            I agree with senior attorney with the repeated use of the name thing. I will go one step further and say that I don’t love when people are constantly asking me (factual) questions about myself. I feel like the spotlight is on me and that I’m being interrogated.
            I’d suggest – maybe ask ONE open-ended question and listen (really listen) to the answer and remember it. And the next time you meet bring up that answer you remember and come up with a follow on question or comment.
            Agree that being more kind, or being more considerate and caring, is a worthier goal.

          • Anonymous

            How about being less judgey about people who are trying to be nice to you? And maybe getting your negativity under control in general.

          • Senior Attorney

            Ha! Good point! I am violating my own rule, which is “presume good intentions!”

            And yes. I must admit I have been feeling rather negative since the evening of November 9. Thanks for the reality check. Tough times, man…

          • Senior Attorney

            At least I haven’t invited anyone to die in a fire on here today…

    • Anonymous

      In my opinion, charisma is equal parts confidence and effort. My best suggestion is just practicing striking up conversations. Challenge yourself to say something, anything, to something like three to five people a day.

    • Anonymous

      I think you can be quietly charismatic. I might work on posture, delivery, and looking put together with a signature look (which will give you confidence, communicate to others that you know and value yourself, and also make you more memorable).

    • anonshmanon

      google ‘upspeak’ in case you haven’t heard of it. Unlearning this speaking pattern can help you convey confidence both in conversations and in public speaking. For me, being concise is also a big factor.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I haven’t read it yet, but the book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane is on my to-read list. Maybe it will be helpful.

  20. Declining internal move / paycut

    I’ve been networking pretty heavily to get into a different function at my current employer (my boss knows and is supportive). I got an offer but it’d be one level down and a 10% paycut. After thinking about it for a couple days, I realized it’s not the right move for me. I still want to get into this function, but I want to make it a true lateral move, and I’m nowhere so senior nor so highly paid that that can’t be done.

    Question is: how do I say “no – not this opportunity” gracefully to the recruiter and the hiring manager? I want to make sure to preserve the relationship and make clear my goal is still to move into the function, but it’s got to be the right role. Would love phrase examples if anyone has been through the same thing!

      • Declining internal move / paycut

        Offer is already the max offer. This situation made me realized that I may be willing to take a paycut, but not now and not for this role (obviously not going to put it like that).

    • Anon

      It’s not “weird” to decline a step down. Just say “I appreciate the offer. While I continue to be extremely interested in the department, I don’t think a step down makes sense for myself and this role. Please keep me in mind for future openings!”

  21. Lizzie

    Gift for my assistant? I started at the firm in September and she has been very helpful, but we don’t have a very close personal relationship yet. I’m very new/young and she is older, with kids a little younger than me. Another associate who started last year told me he gave his assistant a bottle of wine the first year and will get her something a bit more substantial this year. I was thinking maybe a Target gift card because we often talk about Target (it’s close to the office). Any other suggestions? Also, I was thinking $50? Thoughts? Not biglaw, small/medium size firm.

    • BabyAssociate

      I’m pretty much in the exact same situation. I was thinking maybe a nice desk plant?

      • Anonymous

        Ugh, sorry, a desk plant sounds awful. Target gift card sounds fine, CASH sounds better.

        • Anonymous

          +1 You’re not buying a deep, meaingful present for your BFF here. Cash is the standard assistant gift.

          • Batgirl

            This is a know-your-office kind of thing. When I worked in Big Law, yes, cash was king. At a nonprofit, it’d be seen as super weird. I’d do a gift card.

      • Anonymous

        I think a desk plant is a bad idea, unless she’s expressed a desire for one. Lots of people have allergies or just don’t like plants. Even those that do like plants would probably rather have cash or a gift card to spend how they choose.

        • H

          Agreed. I’m terrible at plants and would feel really bad when it died for the gift giver to see…

    • Anonymous

      I think $50 gift card is good if there’s a store you know she likes, which it sounds like there is. Otherwise, I’d do Visa or Amazon gift card or just cash.

    • lawsuited

      You started at the firm in September, but are you a first year associate? As a first year associate, a bottle of wine is fine but not great for your assistant, but a $50 gift card that you know she will use is nice gift.

      • Lizzie

        Yep, 1st year. Bottle of wine def doesn’t seem like enough. I’m thinking the gift card with a nice card and maybe a little trinket gift or baked goods or something.

          • Anon

            Yes, CASH. And a nice, handwritten note of appreciation. The note is the personal touch you’re looking for (not the trinket, doodad, cookie basket, etc).

        • anon

          I usually do an Amazon GC and a small box of chocolates (~$30). Tea, coffee, chocolate covered pretzels also work.

        • cbackson

          Just give her cash or a cash GC. Seriously, this is a professional relationship, not a personal one. Do NOT bake for her. I LOVE my assistant. She is a rock star. I bring her gifts when I travel if she’s had to do an unusual amount of heavy lifting for me in my absence. But for the holidays, she gets a Visa GC and a note that honestly expresses my appreciation for all her hard work. That is the convention for holidays at law firms, and it’s also a way of showing some gratitude for how her hard work helped me get my bonus (although we’re not lockstep for bonuses – they’re variable and merit-based – so that may not apply at other firms).

        • Anon for this

          Ask other lawyers or your office manager to confirm you can give cash. It seems cash is king here but I see three of us below that were at “no cash” firms.

        • lawsuited

          No trinket or baked goods required. Cash or cash equivalent like a gift card (if you know it’s a place your assistant shops), with a card expressing your thanks, is best.

    • Anonymous

      I just noticed you said you don’t have a “very close personal relationship yet” — this is intentional on her part. Your assistant is not there to be your BFF. She is there to assist you in being the professional you’re hired to be. Don’t be cute. She is working FOR YOU. Give her a thoughtful note and at least $40 cash.

    • Anon for this

      Tips for gifts for an assistant when the firm specifically requests you don’t give cash or cash equivalents? I’ve been here 6 years and have already done monogrammed totes, wine, hat, glove, scarf sets, fancy blankets, fancy candles … My gift is usually valued around $75 but on sale for around $40. I previously had to buy for 4 but now I just have to buy for 2. One gift is larger than the other since one is my primary and one is secondary.

      I’m hoping the no cash or cash equivalent thing will be changing soon since the stingy attorneys left the firm and last year one partner did gift cards. The reason behind it was to avoid easy comparisons since there were some cheap people that worked here. The firm does bonuses to staff so attorneys didn’t need to either.

        • Anon for this

          She has a very restricted diet so I think it would add stress rather than be a gift. Plus the firm does a fancy lunch.

      • Senior Attorney

        Nice lotion/body scrub set?

        Also I feel like you can never have too much wine so if that went over well I wouldn’t hesitate to repeat it.

        • Anonymous

          This is a non-starter for anyone with allergies. These things go straight into the trash when I receive them.

      • lawsuited

        I’d get a bottle of good scotch, gin or vodka, depending on what your assistant drinks.

    • Cat

      Cash or equivalent. In BigLaw it was about $100 (junior) – $200 or $250 (senior). For a smaller firm I’d assume that would translate to $50-$150.

      Do not try to be cutesy and do not worry about having a thing to “open” in addition to the card with the money.

    • Anonymous

      Yup, cash. You could get her some chocolates in addition or something else you know she would like, but definitely cash (or cash-equivalent like an Amex gift card if you feel weird giving cash like I did when I was a first year associate)

    • PatsyStone

      Cash. I work in a support role and there is not a more thoughtful gift from someone you work for. And I think better of them for it.

    • Min Donner

      One year when we had more of a ‘pool’ of support as opposed to individually assigned assistants, I gave Contigo mugs (bought at Costco in multi-packs so they were only like $10 each) to each assistant with either a Starbucks gift card for those who I knew were big Starbucks fans (there was one downstairs in our building), or a visa gift card for those I knew didn’t like Starbucks, and a short note thanking them individually for their assistance. Everyone seemed to appreciate it.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think in this case a Target gift card is perfect because it’s a cash equivalent but it’s personal-ish because you’ve talked about Target with her.

  22. MM Sales?

    I love this top so much. And I like pretty much everything Mm. Lafleur makes. But I just don’t pay $240 for a single top. I know they have some less expensive things, but does MML ever have sales? Is there ever a way to buy their things less expensively?

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m trying to get over this mindset, I think. I say “I just can’t spend $240 for a top,” so I don’t buy this even though I think it’s amazing and I love it. Then I go to, say, Ann Taylor, and drop the exact same $240 for 2 or 3 tops I don’t love nearly as much. And my closets are bulging and I don’t love the contents as much as I should.

      Query whether it’s better to spend the $240 on the amazing piece and have fewer pieces, all of which are amazing? I’m not there yet but considering it…

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think so, because clothes are not a very permanent purchase. Even ignoring how trends change (which is a pretty big factor for most items of clothing, I think) I don’t think the average $240 top lasts even close to three times as long as the average $80 top. There might be an argument for not buying dirt cheap stuff that is going to fall apart very fast, but once you reach a certain price point, quality doesn’t really increase with price – and I think that price is well below $240 for a shirt. But I agree buying a lot of stuff you don’t really need is never good. A better solution is just to buy one $80 top and save the rest of the money. :)

        • Senior Attorney

          LOL well, yeah, there’s that.

          Although I think, sadly, that $80 is not going to buy you a top-quality top these days. And often the extra money buys you more beautiful styling.

      • Marise

        Perhaps you should think about how much you would wear the expensive item vs. the non-expensive ones. I have a beautiful cardigan I spent $250 on (and it was half off) and it is by far my favorite item. Every time I wear it I feel incredibly happy because it has a soft and luxurious texture. I’d take that cashmere cardigan over three or four less expensive tops any day.

    • Eleanor

      Beautiful but 19% silk does not equal “silk jersey” to me. For $240, I’d expect 100% silk.

  23. Bri

    Any suggestions for tea brands? I am looking to buy myself a little gift, and tea fits the bill right now. I have looked at David’s Tea and may go with that, but wanted to see if there are any other recommendations. Thanks!

    • Cb

      I like Harney & Sons but what about visiting a local tea shop? They can often recommend something based on your preferences (I like flavoured but not fruity and won’t drink smoky tea so no Russian caravan for me).

    • AIMS

      Palais des Thes. AMAZING. The Jasmine Green Tea is the.best.ever. I tried it in a restaurant and had to hunt it down, I liked it so much. That’s maybe the only time I have ever done that in my life. Also the something or other “Des Moines.” Cannot recommend highly enough.

      If you want something more herbal, my mom is obsessed with the Kusmi Tea BB Detox tea (get the loose tea canister, not the bags). I’ve given them as gifts before with much success. And the tin is great to keep for storiage.

    • H

      Teavana, usually in the mall. Kind of pricey, but huge selection and everything I’ve tried from there is good.

    • Baconpancakes

      The Tea Table. David’s, Teavanna, etc are too fruity and create their flavors with an emphasis on sugar, and completely obscure the flavor of the actual tea. Some of the teas actually have sugar in them!

      Tea Table is less cute – the teas just come in boring packets, but they’re great. Their Earl Grey Creme is subtle and delicious without being overwhelmingly vanilla, and their Darjeeling Castleton First Flush is delicate and lovely. All of their teas in general are just high quality and excellent.

      OR I highly recommend finding a tea place in the area and asking them for help. If you’re in the DC area, the Spice and Tea Exchange stores are pretty good. Teaism is pretty good, but Capital Teas is like Teavanna.

    • Emmy See

      Teavana is nice but over-branded and over-priced. Do you have a food co-op, health food store, or other crunchy/hippy joint near you? A lot of them sell tea (and herbs to blend with them) by the ounce in the herbs/spices section. (My local Safeway has started doing this too.)

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne

      If you don’t have a local tea shop, I recommend Adagio Teas. Never had anything bad from them and even the things I didn’t like as much, I didn’t dislike.

      If you’re not sure what you’d want, consider one of their tea samplers. That way you can try lots of different stuff in a category (herbal, black, flavored, green, white, etc.).

    • anon anon armani

      East India Tea Company. Sold at Harrods and they have a free standing presence on the internet in the USA. Amazing. I’ve been drinking tea since I encountered British nuns in schooling as a child …. this stuff is the bomb!

  24. DC/NOVA Ladies - Doctor reccs?

    DC / Northern Virginia Ladies — Could anyone please recommend a great doctor? I need to get my annual female checkup done and need a new doctor. Thank you!!

    • Meredith Grey

      Glenna Andersen in Falls Church. But, I’m not sure she’s taking new patients. Her practice may be though.

    • DCLady

      I recommend Megha Mendiratta at Comprehensive Primary Care. She is smart and compassionate. I’ve been going to her for two years. The office also has appointments available on the weekends, which is amazing.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I see (and love) Dr. M as my PCP and see Elizabeth Garreau at ObGyn Consultants of Fairfax for my gynecologist.

        Highly recommend both.

      • Katie

        I usually see Flynn Millard at Reiter Hill Johnson & Nevin, and she’s great, but I’ve seen a few other doctors/NPs there over the years and they’ve all been fabulous. They have an office downtown on 19th St NW and another in Bethesda/CC.

      • NOVA

        Also great at Reiter Hill is Dr. Mona Milberg downtown and Dr. King in their Friendship Heights location.

        • Baconpancakes

          I used to go to Mona! She wasn’t a warm and fuzzy bedside doctor but she was honest, direct, and kind.

        • Emmy See

          My sister thought it was worth it for a NaPro doc (I think she drove about 5 hours, since she was in MD) so I figured I’d throw it out there. It depends on what you’re looking for and on your insurance–hey, I took a six hour Greyhound to see my doc.

      • Emmy See

        WAIT STOP I REMEMBERED THIS WRONG. It was Dr. Pogue, not Dr. Poehailos that she recommended to me. I’m sorry!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been very pleased with Dr. Anna Buabbud and the nurse practitioner Hannah McIntyre at GW Health. They are at the Bethesda location, but the NP also sees patients at the downtown DC location.

  25. Workplace Newbie

    Two dumb questions:

    – What do you wear brown leather boots with? I have boots that I know I can wear in my office but not sure what to pair it with. Grey?

    – All the guys on my Big 4 team smoke and drink coffee like its water. They always invite me with them, but I don’t want to smoke or be around smoke and don’t really drink caffeine, so I usually decline. Am I losing out on networking or team bonding time?

    • anon

      (1) Grey, navy, green, even black if you can make it look intentional.
      (2) Yes, you’re missing out, and probably hurting your relationships with your colleagues by constantly rejecting their invitations. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth it to pay that price.

      • Workplace Newbie

        I may have worded this poorly – I’m not ‘constantly rejecting’ them. They buy lunch and then buy Starbucks coffee 2-3 times a day. I usually go for lunch and then maybe like 3x a week for coffee, but maybe it is time to suck up the cost and buy some tea or smoothies or whatever.

        Thanks!

    • CX

      Don’t expose yourself to second-hand smoke, but it wouldn’t hurt to develop a taste for herbal tea for bonding purposes.

    • Anonymous

      I would absolutely not expose myself to smoke and cancer for the sake of team bonding. For coffee, I would go with them to the coffee place and just drink decaf (or tea or hot chocolate or whatever).

    • X

      Wearing my brown riding boots today with a dark green dress. Wore them on thanksgiving with a burgundy sheath dress and champagne-colored cardigan and, of course, I wear them with jeans.

    • Carrots

      I wear my brown boots with just about every color, including black tights. I take the advice of my first boss when I mentioned once to her that she was really working the brown coat with a black dress (I didn’t use that phrase exactly, but that was the sentiment); she said you just have to do and wear it. It’s worked for me. I tend to stay away from dresses that fall below mid-knee, but anything other than that is open.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t join smokers on smoke break but why not go for coffee and then just get something that’s not actually coffee?

    • Anonymous

      I hope you don’t preface things at work with similar self-deprecating intros….that’s going to do more damage than declining coffee with the bros.

  26. Diaper Bag Recs Please

    Hi ladies, I’m pregnant with my second (my first is 19 months) and I need a new diaper bag. I don’t love the one I have (skip hop chelsea). I don’t love it b/c I feel like it doesn’t hold enough stuff. After some diapers, wipes, small first aid kit, and other random food and toys, it feels REALLY stuffed and everything feels squished in there. I also feel like there’s almost too many pockets so you never know where anything is. My husband and I equally use the diaper bag and so it’s hard to get him to commit to putting the same items in the same pockets (i.e. food items go in this pocket, etc.). So long story short I think I need something that’s more just like a large bag with a lot of storage in the main compartment, with just a few pockets. Any suggestions, particularly from moms of more than one? Thanks in advance!

    • AIMS

      I’ve found that I don’t like our diaper bag for the same reason. What works better for me is a big tote with smaller pouches to corral things so they are easy to find.

      • Diaper Bag Recs Please

        AIMS, is there any particular tote that you like? And also what do you use for smaller pouches, just like ziplock bags?

        • Anon in NYC

          I have the Skip Hop Chelsea and find it frustrating for similar reasons. However, someone gave us a canvas pouch when my kiddo was born that has been fantastic. We use it for diapers, wipes, etc. More often than not, we’ll just throw that under the stroller or in a bag when we leave the house these days.

          Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Pendleton-Womens-Canopy-Coated-Canvas/dp/B012QH475I/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1480435719&sr=8-13&keywords=zip+pouch or this: https://www.amazon.com/Herschel-Supply-Co-Network-Caramel/dp/B00ME41MA2/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1480435895&sr=8-3&keywords=coated+canvas+zip+pouch

          Of course, ziplock bags are just as easy!

          Personally, I think that if/when we have a second, I might just get a backpack. I find it so annoying to run around with a bag slung over my shoulder and I don’t think the Chelsea will be very good with two kids.

        • AIMS

          I have a very large old tote that I use. Zipper top, one outside pocket and one inside pocket that can be zipped. I have a skiphop diaper station changing pad that I put diapers, wipers, etc., into. It works much better than the flimsy pad that came with our bag. For pouches, I use the two that came with our diaper bag (Skip Hop), a skip hop wet/dry bag if we’re going somewhere like the beach/park where there might be wet clothes/dirty shoes, and some smaller little pouches that I picked up at the container store or one of those place for pacifiers, baby spoons, etc. I’ve used Ziploc bags too. My biggest problem with the diaper bag is that it all works if it’s perfectly organized but I am never perfectly organized and it’s easier to just throw stuff in with less structure.

          • AIMS

            Oh, and I have a smaller tote that I use if we’re just going for a quick trip. It’s one of those canvas ones you can get with a magazine subscription or for a farmer’s market. That’s great if I just want to throw in the diaper thing, a burp cloth, and a bottle with some snacks.

    • Anonymous

      We use a LeSportsac Ryan which sounds like it’d work well for you. My only complaint about it is that there aren’t enough pockets :)

    • ANP

      I don’t know how you feel about their politics, but we have an old Lands End diaper bag — kind of a duffel shape, and we bought it years ago. Holds everything. I’ll see if I can find a reasonable facsimile online.

        • Anon j

          LE featured Gloria Steinem in a catalog, the right wing went crazy (equating her to a baby-killer, IIRC) and the company pulled the catalogs and all references from its website and did everything but go door to door to get the catalogs back. I think they also posted some kind of apology for ever even including her. I boycotted for most of the year but caved recently on one item my SO wanted.

          • AIMS

            Yep. I still refuse to shop there. I never bought much but I would usually pick up some holiday gifts for random old men in my life and will not be doing it this year.

    • MK

      My kids are 18 months apart (2yo and 10 months), we use a backpack diaper bag. I find it much easier to be handsfree when we are out with the kids. There are plenty of pockets for items and there is even a checklist in the lining to ensure that we don’t forget anything. I can’t remember the exact brand, but I bought it on Amazon last January. It’s not terribly fashionable, but it has been very handy. If I am out with one kid, I usually throw a diaper, outfit, bottle and pouch/puffs in my purse (unless it is a longer trip).

  27. Commuting Shoes?

    For those who walk to work (a mile or more), what shoes do you wear for commuting in the winter/cold but when it’s not so cold as to justify wearing boots? It was about 40 this morning, and I wore black flats to walk in, but I almost felt out of place in flats in the winter. But yet, it’s not cold enough and there isn’t any snow yet so I would also feel weird wearing winter boots. Thoughts/Suggestions?

    • Cat

      In order of temperature when commuting…

      70s+ flip flops
      50s-60s flats
      40s-50s Sperrys
      50s -30s either Chelsea boots, LLBean duck boots, or Hunters if it’s really slushy and gross (with liner if it’s really cold)
      30s and below but not wet Uggs (if wet, Hunters with liner)

      • Carrots

        What liner do you use? I have a pair of wellies I’d like to use in the winter, but I have to pile in socks and then they start to feel a little uncomfortably tight.

        • Cat

          I use the Hunter brand liners with those (they’re fleece and pretty good); for the LL Bean boots I wear medium weight socks.

    • anon

      Comfy non-insulated leather boots (the kind with a rubber sole). Merrell or similar.

    • Sarabeth

      Ankle boots or oxfords. I have comfy (read: flat) versions of both to commute in. My work uniform is ankle-length pants, so I don’t have to worry about trailing hems.

      • Anonymous

        I am also converting my wardrobe to this.

        With the occasional black tights and knee high boots.

        40’s and 50’s are absolutely appropriate for boots and booties, as long as the time of year is rit.

    • Jdubs

      Recently started wearing a pair of Allbirds black sneakers with black soles for this purpose.

    • Fishie

      When I commuted I wore Danskos. The platform was high enough to keep my feet dry if I stepped in a shallow puddle or if it was raining not too hard.

  28. Anonymous

    Does anyone have experience in joining a working board for your local association for your job? There is a chapter in my city that has probably 50-60 members for my very niche position. I have gone to meetings and such, but have only been working for 2 years and have been in this role the entire time. I got an email today asking me to join the board because, “You are the one that checks the website most often”. A large part of me thinks this could be fun and a really good way to network, but the other part of me thinks I am too junior to be on the board. I know what the organization does, but I have no idea what being a board member would entail. I would assume it would be similar to the roles that I played in running clubs in college which I enjoyed and held many positions. I always thought I would try to be on the board, but I always assumed that would be after a few more years of experience. Thoughts? Advice?
    FWIW I am also starting grad school in the spring term, but I tend to be a happier person with the more I have to juggle.

    • Anonymous

      Just do it. Stop doubting yourself. Live the confidence of a mediocre white man.

    • anonshmanon

      Reply and ask to meet one or several board members so you can chat with them about what that work entails. What support structures, knowledge transfer, activity/input from members you can expect. Ask them whether they would do it again or why they are leaving the board.
      Then consider whether it seems exciting. Do not question whether you bring enough seniority. If they asked you, then you are eligible.

    • anon

      You are overestimating what is required to be on this (or any) board. The main qualification is willingness. And I second the statement above– live with the confidence of a man. No man would be second guessing this.

    • PatsyStone

      If you are interested, go for it. It’s a volunteer organization and it needs volunteers. You will learn the ropes and do just fine. Don’t sell yourself short.

  29. PEN

    This Q reminds me of a great Friends episode. I would accept the offers for coffee–you can always get decaf or herbal tea or something.

  30. piberius

    I need your opinions on an unusual job opening situation. I practice municipal law at a small firm in a small market. My firm often bids on solicitations to act as outside counsel for local municipal entities. My career goal is to someday work as in-house counsel for a municipal entity.

    A local municipality is currently advertising for attorney services. To complicate matters, the municipality is seeking either outside counsel or in-house counsel, and it will decide which option to select after it has received and reviewed proposals/applications for each. My firm will apply to serve as outside counsel, I would likely prepare the proposal, and I would perform some of the work if the firm is selected. (If the solicitation were only for outside counsel, my firm would have a good chance of being selected.)

    I would also like to apply for the in-house role, and I am highly qualified due to my work with the firm, but I am not sure whether I should or can. I do not want to forego this opportunity that fits my skills and practice area, and openings like this do not come along often in my geographic area. However, I would technically be in competition with my firm, I’m certain that I could not keep my individual application secret, and at least some work friction would result. Any advice?

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think it’s an ethical issue. It may be a professional issue, if they find out and you don’t get it. But if this were an ethical issue it would mean attorneys could never go to work for their clients.

        Is there a partner at your firm you could talk to about this opportunity? Your firm may see it as a benefit to have an alum on the inside.

        I would apply, but then again I don’t feel a strong sense of loyalty to my employer.

      • piberius

        I’m interested to hear more about why you think this might be unethical. I have thought it through myself and have not come up with a satisfactory answer either way.

        • Anonymous

          You’re competing directly with your firm for business. I don’t know if it’s technically an ethics violation but it sends up huge red flags for me. You’re playing both sides.

        • Anon

          To me, it implicates ethics b/c she is preparing the firm’s bid for the same position. I agree that attorneys go to work for their clients regularly (I did this), but I think it’s different if you are preparing the bid for the same work on behalf of your firm.

    • Anon

      I agree this implicates ethics, and I would do two things. First, our state employs attorneys who are able to answer ethical questions anonymously. Check your state bar, and if you have a similar service, submit the question to the hotline (I’ve been able to email questions from a private email account), and get a good outline of what the law says. Second, I would probably disclose the fact of this to a trusted senior counsel in your firm. If you end up with the job, and the firm loses the bid you prepared, you could end up in a poor situation with your firm.

      • Anonymous

        This is so interesting to me.. because we this comes up all the time at my firm, and it’s actually actively encouraged by partners here.

        Secondments are pretty normal, where the firm places its associate in a temporary role with the client. Which might actually be the perfect arrangement if you can swing it.

        • Anon

          Agree – but the key difference is that the firm is placing the attorney in a secondment. Same with encouraging firm attorneys to apply for an in-house position; by definition, the work for an “in-house counsel” is done in-house. The firm is not competing for that work.

          Here, the difference is that the firm can compete for and do the work. Further, the OP is the attorney preparing the bid. It is potentially a conflict of interest (and possibly a violation of her duty of loyalty) to compete for the same work without disclosing her competing bid to her employer. If it doesn’t rise to the level of an ethical violation, which I would not feel confident dismissing without additional research, at the very least, it may be problematic for her former firm to see that she lost the bid for the firm, but “won” the same work personally.

          I think she should put herself in the best position possible. To do so, obtain an ethics opinion from the state bar that addresses the ethical considerations, which will either guide her on how best to proceed, or provide her with some cover if the firm goes after her.

        • Anonymous

          This does not come up all the time- the difference here is the bid. Essentially she could tank her firms bid (typos, not doing as good of job etc) in order to make herself (the individual application) look better. Not that she would do it- but she is essential bidding on work for her employer that she actively wants her employer not to get.

          • piberius

            Do you feel that the ethical issue goes away if I do not participate in preparing the firm’s proposal. That can be arranged.

          • Anon

            Potentially, but not necessarily. You’ll still be included as part of the bid for the firm – i.e., no matter who prepares the bid, you’ll be included as a key player in who will do the work for the firm. You are competing for work with your job, which is potentially a conflict of interest or violation of your duty of loyalty.

            I’d still get an ethics opinion. Can’t hurt, might help.

          • c

            You guys, house counsel routinely submits RFP’s to outside counsel on certain issues, and you wouldn’t think twice about applying for an in-house posting.

            Client is doing a cost-benefit of whether it would be less expensive to hire someone or to bid it out.

            I seriously doubt that there would be a “bid” for in-house counsel–random employment issues with bidding down salary on w-2 employees. are you sure it’s not a job posting, and then client will look at salary requirements?

            If it’s a posting, apply for the job, be fair with the bid.

          • Anon

            I think it is not uncommon for an RFP to go out for specific work, and for an entity to simultaneously have a post for a job opening. The original post, however, says the municipality is looking for individual attorneys to hire to do same work as a firm might do. If the call for firm proposals and job applications occurs in the same advertisement/RFP, then she is competing with her employer for the same work, regardless of how she would be classified if she is hired individually. Also, keep in mind this is a government entity, so issues regarding employment classification may be different than if the client is a government contractor.

    • Wildkitten

      If someone else prepares the firm proposal you won’t have to feel like you’re playing two sides of the same coin.

      • piberius

        Thank you all for weighing in. I have requested an ethics opinion. It’s a tricky situation, and I certainly want to do the right thing without forgoing a potential advancement opportunity.

        • Anon

          I think that’s a really wise course. I absolutely agree that it would be a shame to not apply for the job, and an ethics opinion will hopefully give you a blueprint regarding how to navigate any disclosures you may need to make (or cover, if disclosures are not ultimately necessary).

        • Anon for this

          Smart move. I encountered an ethics issue when a big law firm started trying to recruit me from small law, while we had a case going against a client of the big firm and I was a key attorney for small firm on the case. I did some research and there were already ethics opinions that I’d have to disclose to my firm and my client. I wasn’t interested in the job anyway and still ended up disclosing to my firm that I’d been contacted. (Since I wasn’t interested, I was happy to disclose so my firm knew I had options and to keep me happy.)

        • piberius

          If anyone is still following this, the ethics hotline responded as follows: “Actually this is not a legal ethics inquiry. But silently competing with your firm and without disclosure of your bid to serve as in-house counsel may be a breach of fiduciary duty if done while you are still a member/employee of the firm. I suggest you research this issue or get counsel before you act.”

          • Anonymous

            So I doubt you’re still reading but I hope you see this — why not send in your resume, have a phone call with the hiring coordinator, and tell them that you are preparing the bid that your law firm is submitting, and would they consider that? This appears to be a very normal way to hop in-house.

  31. starter watch?

    Any brand recommendation for a man’s starter watch in the $100-$300 range? Combo of classic and modern styling preferred (ie leather band but perhaps a dark or colored face). I’ve worn the same Seiko since high school and have literally no idea where to start to make sure that I find something that is both stylish *and* quality.

      • Jules

        Agreed on Skagen. My 22-y-o son – who has to wear suits somewhat regularly – loves his, which has a silver mesh band.

        Shinola, recommended below, are gorgeous but I think the start at around $500.

    • BabyAssociate

      I have a Skagen with a black leather strap and a white face, but I think it comes in other colors too. It was about$150, I like it.

      • DC Anon

        Agh, no, Shinolas are ugly, overpriced, and scoffed at by anyone actually into watches. Go with the Skagen.

    • June

      My brother and guy friend both loved their Citizen eco drive watches so much that I got my husband one, and he likes it too. Classic, understated, fine for everyday, and, I think, in your budget range.

  32. infertile myrtle

    How do you handle frequent absences in a professional setting? Address up front? Continue to do excellent work and not worry about it? Some combination of the two?

    Background: in-house lawyer (very flexible work environment, lots of working from home and parents (usually moms) leaving early), 27, 2014 grad, starting infertility treatment and realizing it’s going to take 1.5 hour chunks out of my day 2-3x a week for a couple weeks every month. Probably need to have a hysteroscopy/polyp removal too, and I’ve been told it could take a couple days of down time. I also don’t know how long this schedule is going to continue.

    I have a close relationship with my boss, but we’ve definitely never discussed anything like this…not to mention that I’m pretty new in my current position.

    • Anonymous

      Make your appointments early AM. Insist on it. You’re paying a ton of money for this.

        • Infertile Myrtle

          Thanks for saying that- my immediate thought was “How?” since in my first appointment I learned the procedure I have to have Thursday is only done two days a week in the afternoon…and this won’t be my last time. It’s going to be a long road full of afternoon appointments. Ha.

          • Em

            I would suggest trying to make them around lunchtime. In my office, at least, it is much less noticeable if I take a long lunch than if I come in late or leave early. A lot of time my absence overlaps with other people’s lunches (so they don’t realize when I actually left or got back), or it will just look like I am in a meeting, so people don’t realize how long I am actually gone.

          • DC area IF

            Clinics tend to have their own schedules. At mine, monitoring (for both IUI and IVF) was 7:30-9:30 on a walk-in basis. Because my clinic was close to my office and I liked to get there early, I actually got into work earlier than usual on the days that I had monitoring. IUIs were scheduled for 9:30, and then IVF is kind of a different scheduling ballgame (and the “I’m going to be out sick one day, but I won’t know which day until one or two days in advance” is a little awkward to say but you do what you need to do).

            Not sure how far along you are on this journey, but hopefully you will discover that the nurses at your clinic are patient and kind, and willing to answer any questions you have over email, phone, or in person. So you might consider just asking what to expect in terms of scheduling. When are appointments? How far in advance will I know the schedule? When you call with results, what is the timeframe? etc.

            I’m sure it will take a long time for my comment to post, as it always seems to go to moderation, but if you post an email address I will be sure to check back later, and I am happy to contact you if you feel like it would be helpful to have someone to talk to who has been through IUI/IVF and don’t know or feel comfortable with anyone you know IRL. The uncertainty and inability to feel secure in making plans are really difficult parts of this journey.

      • buffybot

        Yeah, just to add on — most clinics tend to run a very specific type of schedule. So some appointments can be early morning, but others can’t.

        Once you get into the actual procedures (IUI, egg retrieval) things are timed down to the hour on the basis of when you took your trigger shot.

        So there are definitely some appointments that likely will not be early AM — but hopefully many can be.

    • Anonymous

      I’d disclose that you have an ongoing medical issue that you need to seek regular treatment for and it will require a lot of appointments out of the office and potential a few days of sick leave here and there. Make it clear that it’s not life-threatening, but I wouldn’t go into much detail beyond that and I certainly wouldn’t offer up that it has anything to do with fertility.

    • Tutti

      Going through this right now. Also had a related surgery that had me out for 2 weeks, and I work with basically all men. If it wasn’t already off the table in any professional setting, telling the old men around me about my lady issues was especially off the table. I just told them I had a medical issue that required regular appointments. I assured them that I was not gravely ill and they just accepted it. I was way, way more worked up/nervous about telling them this than I needed to be. Said differently – I cannot underscore how much of a non-issue this is for everyone (but me, that is). No need to get into the nitty gritty details at all. I did tell my office admin about it in a little more detail as (a) she’s awesome; (b) she’d remind people who forgot why I was missing; (c) as one of the few women in the office, it was nice to have someone else know about what was going on.

      Best of luck.

    • buffybot

      Specific to infertility treatment (and being fairly new in my role), this is how I handled it — basically a combination of your two strategies based on what treatment I was getting at the time.

      1) My clinic’s monitoring hours were from 7 – 8:30, on a rolling basis on the basis of who got there first. This didn’t tend to interfere with the work day, and I got the impression that many clinics operate in a similar fashion.
      2) For actual appointments with my doctor, I tried to schedule around lunchtime and then just block off my schedule. Office culture was such that going out for a lunchtime appointment wasn’t particularly remarkable, so most of the time I didn’t even give an explanation as to where I was.
      3) When I actually needed a full day off (e.g., egg retrieval, transfer), I ended up telling my boss in advance because it wasn’t something I could definitively schedule — schedules for this type of thing are fairly unpredictable and change at the last minute. However, I think you could also just say that you have to have a medical procedure and the timing/recovery is dependent on some unpredictable factors.

      If you are doing IUI, it really had a minimal impact on my work schedule. IVF was more intensive, but really only resulted in a couple of days absence for retrieval and transfer. Of course, this varies widely from person to person. Because of the risk of being out longer, I thought it was important to disclose to my supervisor, but we have a warm relationship and I trust her discretion.

      Of course, it still hasn’t worked, so we’ll see if this strategy continues to be viable as I start up the next cycle…

      • Infertile Myrtle

        Buffy- thanks for your thoughts and perspective. I hope this cycle works for you.

    • Edna Mazur

      I made my appointments around the lunch hour. No one noticed a slightly longer lunch a few times a month.

    • Anon for this

      I’m just starting testing. My husband’s SA was normal. Next I’m headed for blood work and that involves specific day scheduling too. Do you think the internet just introduces us to more people in our shoes or do you guys think more people experience infertility now than they did in the past? I’m assuming absent some reproductive technology, a good handful of my friends would not have their children. Thinking back on my friends and family growing up, I can only think of two married couples that did not have children and that could have been by choice. Maybe because we are all delaying child bearing more? I’m starting at 35 but I didn’t want kids earlier. I’m temping, using OPKs and everything looks like I’m ovulating monthly with a regular cycle. No idea why it’s been almost a year now without results.

      • Infertile Myrtle

        I think the actual number of people struggling to conceive is higher. My totally non-scientific reasoning: my grandparents and parents didn’t know any married couples without kids; my sister (15 years older than I am) has a handful of friends; and in my close group of 5 couple friends all under 30, 4 of us are infertile. How is it that I under 30 and my AMH is so bad???

        I don’t know what pesticide I played with as a child, but there’s something in the water over here.

        • Anon for this

          I bet it is the same thing that is causing a spike in autoimmune disorders – though we don’t know what that is either.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        People are also delaying having children, which increases the risk of having difficulty conceiving. I bet far more people would be able to get pregnant if they started trying in their early to mid twenties rather than almost a decade later…

    • Bossy

      As a boss, I would want to know from my employee that they were having some medical procedures that were going to take them out of the office somewhat frequently in the near future. If possible, I would be grateful for a schedule – Wednesdays from 2 to 4, or whatever. If you can’t do a regular schedule, then I’d appreciate as much advanced notice as possible of the appointments and when we can expect you in and out. I don’t usually fret about my team’s productivity – if that has been an issue for you, you may want to address your plan for staying on top of things during this time. Reliability and predictability is really important so as much as you can let me know in advance so I can plan (and also get things covered if necessary) is what I would want.

      Also as a boss, I don’t necessarily want the details. Just tell me you’re OK but have to have a few procedures for a medical or health issue and I won’t press.

  33. Jitterbug

    Need recommendations for moderately priced shapewear! I’m in relatively good shape, but I have some dresses that like to show my underwear lines and little fat bulges to the world, and I’d like to look a little better in them.

    • MargaretO

      I have some yummy tummy high waisted underwear that I like a lot. They aren’t spanx level support but they smooth everything down, I mostly wear them with dresses that are tight around my (not small) belly. They are almost as comfortable a my regular underwear! I think I got them in a 3 for deal at nordstrom but I’ve also seen them at nordstrom rack, the brand definitely has a lot of other options (tank tops, slips, etc.).

      • Jitterbug

        Huh, that’s good to know! I’ve never heard of that brand. I’ll check them out, I am aiming for slips to smooth out the bra lines and bulges as much as the VPL.

        • MargaretO

          Ha yes terrible name but I really like the brand. It sounds like its right around what your looking for – less than spanx, more than jockeys skimmies, both in terms of organ crushing and price.

    • anon in SV

      I like the Assets line at Target, made by the Spanx company. I size up for smoothing without squishing.

    • Frozen peach

      This sounds weird, but I buy the Assets by Sara Blakely high-waisted tights and then cut the legs off. Cheaper than Spanx and less organ-crushing. Really comfortable. I like having something with a band that fits right under my bra’s underwire.

      • Anonymous

        Those aren’t shapewear though. I love them and wear them all the time precisely because they don’t squish.

  34. feeling like a dartboard

    I started on Lexapro in August, 2015, with a lowered dosage in September, 2015. I’d been very stable with it, but the side of effect of completely killing my s3x drive was ugly. In early October, at my annual physical, I discussed this with my internist, and he changed me over to Cymbalta.

    I was on Cymbalta for about 3 weeks, when I suddenly started having a lot more migraines, about 3 in 8 days, when my usual is 1 every 4 to 6 weeks. He switched me to paroxetine, but after 2 doses, I started having high blood pressure headaches (the ones where you can feel the little veins in your head throbbing). He told me to quit taking it and wait 48 hours to start the next medication, Bupropion. That was the week of the election, so going Tuesday & Wednesday without any anxiety medication was … extremely stressful. That week culminated with a huge fight with my husband while we were at a social event at the local pub, due at least in part to my uncontrolled anxiety.

    I’d been doing okay with the new med, but the day before Thanksgiving, I had one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had that didn’t involve vomiting. As I was driving after taking my Imitrex, I realized that the right side of my face was numb & wouldn’t move. In about 2 minutes, that cleared up. Yesterday, I had another really bad migraine.

    I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday to discuss all of this. I’m really feeling like we’re throwing darts, and I’m the dartboard. My husband wants me to go back on the Lexapro, because at least I was mentally stable and not having recurrent migraines. I’m not sure that that is what I want to do, because of the other undesired effect.

    Any ideas on what to ask my doctor for? I’ve been debating asking for a referral to the one psychiatrist in town to see if she can help.

    • Parfait

      Lexapro + Wellbutrin is a pretty common combo. The Wellbutrin can help with those unwanted side effects.

      Agree you shouldn’t mess around with your GP for this. Go to a brain doctor.

    • Anonymous

      You should be seeing a psychiatrist for mood meds, and a neurologist for your migraines.

      Your primary doesn’t know what they are doing.

      • Frozen peach

        +1. Listen to your gut. Don’t be the dartboard. This is 1000% more true in the context of psych meds than any others.

      • anon associate

        This. Also, bupropion to treat anxiety? No. It is known to *increase* anxiety. It may be good in combo with other meds, but it seems odd to me that it was prescribed for someone with severe anxiety. All of the meds you’ve tried before are SSRIs, but bupropion works on dopamine uptake- different mechanism and different outcome. Bupropion is also often prescribed in combo with SSRIs to decrease side effects like lethargy and libido issues.

        Brain doctor, asap!!! I’ve been on wellbutrin (bupropion) for about a year now and my headaches have increased markedly, FWIW.

  35. Anon

    Anyone want to help me figure out a gift idea for a guy I supervise? We work in different offices and he’s new so I don’t know him well. He’s into yoga, biking and working out. He does drink and is in his early 30s. People here usually spend about $25 on a gift, so I’d like it to be under $40. TIA!

    • Macademia

      I was in a somewhat similar situation when I had to get a birthday gift for a pastor I work with at church. I went to REI and asked the man at the counter what kinds of staples are good for bicyclists. (I was remembering how I would have always appreciated a gift of hockey tape when I played ice hockey.) I ended up getting bicycling gloves and I think a small patch kit or blinking lights along with some energy gels or bars. With a gift receipt.

      • Senior Attorney

        This is a great idea. Lovely Husband is a cyclist and those are all things that a serious cyclist can never have too many of.

    • Anonymous

      I think it can be weird to get a personalized gift for your employees. Go generic. Cash, gift card, booze, fruit/snack basket.

    • CX

      Does he like c0cktails? Either a make-your-own bitters infusion kit or a cask-conditioned-c0cktail kit would both be in that range. A fancy Klean Kanteen water bottle could work for his athletic interests too.

  36. Anon

    Has anyone recently gotten a gym bag they love? Suggestions? Also, I am about to re-commit to working out in the morning before work. Does anyone have suggestions on how they transport their work clothing so that it is not wrinkled and/or any other tips and tricks to make this schedule work? TIA!

    • Anon

      I love my LUG gym bag, great compartments.

      Wear your clothes to work and hang them at the gym? (I’m a mid-afternoon work-gym person.)

    • Gov'tMule

      I have the Adidas Squad III Duffel Bag on Amazon. It’s great. I currently work out midday, but for two years I worked out in the am. What worked for me was to actually wear my work clothes into the gym and carry a small hanger and my workout clothes in my gym bag. Your work clothes will get the normal wrinkles on the commute in – but for me this was always much less muss than transporting them in the bag. An added bonus – you don’t get to the gym and realized you forgot some essential part of your work outfit.

      Another big help was renting a permanent locker at the gym. My gym at the time allowed little lockers to be rented by the month. This allowed me to keep my shoes and my toiletries at the gym. It made the amount I had to carry everyday much more manageable. If this isn’t an option, have dedicated toiletries in your gym bag that stay there and never come out. (I say this as I am back at work from a midday work out with perfect hair and no makeup because I took my gym makeup on my Tday trip!)

      Good luck!

  37. But seriously

    I bought the Apera duffel bag, which is great but a bit too big. Also bought the locker backpack, which is also great but a bit too masculine for my taste. If they weren’t so expensive I’d probably pull the trigger and buy their yoga tote. Worth checking it out.

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