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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 222 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Set Sail Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Striped Work Blazer: Nanette Lepore Set Sail JacketOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. We've seen a lot of good stripey blazers over the years, but this one may just be my favorite. The black/pink pattern is perfect, and I love the little peplum flounce detail in the back. It's even on sale, making this a fairly reasonable splurge: it was $498 but is now on sale for $298. Nanette Lepore Set Sail Jacket More affordable alternatives are here and here — and here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Robin

    Oh, Kat, no. This blazer makes my eyes hurt.

    Early TJ: I’m in the very early stages of a potential move to Paris. Any French this-s*te members have any info on what kind of salary I should be looking at? I have no student debt and generally live pretty frugally. TIA!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      French salaries tend to be significantly lower than American salaries (but you typically have fewer big-cost expenses, like medical bills, college tuition, and transportation if you’re used to having a car), but what’s the job and industry?

    • Former Parisian

      Are you a lawyer? Many lawyers in international firms have US or UK-level salaries. While medical bills are covered by the government, cost of living in Paris (particularly rent) are relatively high and higher than most European cities (except for London).

  2. Anonymous

    From my teens it has been instilled in me that horizontal stripes widen the silhouette and should be avoided. I am size 12-14 and short, and have had literally only one striped garment that looks good on me due to very strategic placement of the pattern, in my 40+ years.
    Because of this, I pretty much ignore all garments with horizontal stripes, including the featured one, leaving them to thinner women.

    • Ellen

      Yay Kat! This is not that pricey, for a Monday, but I agree with the OP, and even as a thinner woman (with a tuchus), I agree that horizontal stripe’s CAN be problemeatical for us! As a result, if I have to wear stripe’s, they are VERTICAL! Dad say’s that my batheing suit, which had horizontal stripe’s, made me look like I-495, which is a very WIDE highway in LONG ISLAND, called the Long Island Expreseway.

      I saw the ENTIRE family this weekend in prepearation for next week’s Seder, and Mom was grateing Horseradish with Grandma Trudy. I am NOT a big fan b/c that stuff give’s me alot of GAS, and the last thing I need is that if I am trying to look alluring and DEMURE for the man they are bringing over for me to meet — a cousin of the guy Dad knew from behind the IRON Curtan. I will be goeing to Myrna’s seder the next day, so if there are any spark’s, it will have to wait for the week after next, so wish me LUCK! In the mean time, I am busy prepareing for my NYS Arbitration Blue Ribbon Panel meeting, where I will wear my BLUE dress for the JUDGE! YAY!!!!!!

      • Bluestocking

        That was in interesting article and I agree that horizontal stripes can often be more flattering than vertical.

    • Anonymous

      I’m the same size as you and I love my striped tops. I don’t really care if they’re not the most “flattering,” I think they’re cute and stylish.

      • Runner 5

        +1. Life’s too short to avoid horizontal stripes (although this jacket is not so nice…)

    • Bonnie

      I like this jacket. IMO narrow horizontal stripes do not widen like wide ones do. The styling of the jacket is a little off but it would look great with a simpler dress.

    • Anon

      Regardless, in this price garment the stripes should be lined up on sleeves and on front pockets

    • Godzilla

      Ahem, F6CK THAT NOISE. WEAR WHAT YOU WANT. I WEAR STRIPES ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY BECAUSE STRIPES ARE AWESOME.

  3. CK

    Anyone bought any good summer dresses lately? Hunting for: a work-appropriate (pretty business casual) dress for hot, gross, sticky DC summers. Prefer machine washable. A few summers ago, I bought two jersey -type fabric dresses like this from Target and wore them to death, but can’t seem to find anything like that now. Up for really any “style”, it’s more comfort/fabric. Anyone encounter any magic dresses like this lately?

  4. Catlady

    Shopping advice needed. My husband is about to finish a VERY hard earned masters that will enable him to move up from educational instruction to administration. I want to get him a nice, professional…thing to carry him through to the next phase. I’m thinking a watch, probably in the $500ish range, appropriate for every day wear. He already has a Cartier, but that was his father’s and he really only wears it for special occasions. I don’t know a lot about watches so any advice on brands and buying would be much appreciated. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Will he actually wear a watch? Not many people do, these days.

      What about a really nice designer leather bag/briefcase thing?

      • Catlady

        He would wear it, he wears a nice-ish Seiko every day.

        I thought about the bag as well, something leather and monogrammed. But, he’s 30 and I don’t think a traditional briefcase would be his thing.

        • Anonymous

          I have a (dude, 30’s) friend who just bought an Allan Edmunds bag that is VERY nice. Maybe one of those?

    • AKB

      I just bought my sister a Raymond Weil for her graduation from Amazon. It looks almost exactly like my Cartier ballou bleu. There could be a good equivalent for a men’s watch.

      • Anonymous

        I have a Raymond Weil and I love it, and wear it every day. It was more than $500 though.

      • Catlady

        I just looked up Raymond Weil and those are beautiful watches but pretty far above my price point. Maybe a dumb question but do watches go on sale? Where should I be keeping an eye out?

    • October

      My husband loves his Shinola watch. Some of the styles are ‘trendy’/sporty but others are more classic.

    • Meg Murry

      Educational instruction/administration where? Public schools? Would a $500 watch be appropriate, or are you in an area where teachers are super underpaid and it might seem like another log in the us vs them (administrators vs teachers) fire?

      Also, if he only wears his father’s watch on special occasions, will he wear a nice watch everyday, or will that also get saved for good (i.e. left in the box most of the time).

      • Catlady

        Yes, public schools. I don’t think it would be cause for concern as school administrators don’t set the salary guide for teachers in our state, and are bound by a similar contract negotiation cycle. When it does happen, “Us vs Them” between teachers and administrators usually takes place in the tenure/disciplinary action realm rather than compensation.

    • Bewitched

      I bought my husband a really nice Hamilton watch in that price range-leather band though, if that matters.

    • Runner 5

      This might be below your price range, but the Mondaine Swiss-Railway-Clock watches are design icons. They’ve just brought out the Stop2Go ones (which I think are right on your price point) which mimic the unique movement of the clocks themselves. (I’ve chosen one as my graduation gift, this isn’t an advert, I promise!)

      • emeralds

        Ooh I like those! Filing in my list of potential gifts for my watch- and train-loving BF.

    • NYtoCO

      I got my husband a Daniel Wellington watch and he loves it– his has a brown leather band. It’s very nice, classic and simple, but less than your price range (I think about $300 full price).

    • Catlady

      Thank you all for the advice! All great watches, I have a lot to consider.

    • Midori

      If he’s a tech junkie (or even if he’s not), would a smart watch be up his alley? I just got a basic Pebble Time watch to help with the too big phone/too small pockets problem common to women, and I love it more than I expected to. It’s useful, fun, and not too dorky (I hope?). Some of the men’s smartwatches are really sharp looking, and you can get a darned good one for $350. My Pebble was $135.

  5. Monday

    Did anyone else watch “Confirmation” over the weekend? (This is the HBO movie about Clarence Thomas’ confirmation hearings, starring Kerry Washington as Anita Hill.) I was a kid when the hearings took place, so I am especially interested in opinions from people who were politically aware adult women at the time.

    I think they did a pretty good job of letting the facts speak for themselves. It also drew out how many procedural decisions were stacked against Hill. However, I don’t know why they only showed one other woman who came to testify to similar experiences with Thomas when in fact I have read that four additional women were called.

    Like so many of us, I have a former boss who was grossly inappropriate with me, and it made me wonder: if he was up for the Supreme Court and I were asked about working with him, would I tell it like it was? There are still so many reasons not to.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I did not get to see it as I was out with our son, but my DH and 14 year old daughter watched it. I am sorry I missed it, will try to catch it another time. She (self-identifying feminist) was appropriately horrified.

    • annon

      I was in my freshman year at college when the Thomas hearings played out, and I remember being shocked that the level of sexism shown towards Anita Hill could happen in the 90’s! I watched the show on Saturday night, and I though Thomas was portrayed far more sympathetically than he deserved!

    • Wordy

      I was a college student at the time. It was tremendously dispiriting and I just remember feeling so much despair over the process and how Hill was treated. And then the terrible portrayal of Hill which continued after that (David Brock’s book, for example). After that, how could you feel like anyone in their right mind would come forward in a similar situation?

  6. On Target

    Did anyone order anything from the Marimekko collection at Target this weekend?

    I ordered a scarf, but that was it.

    • Editrix

      I bought a lot of the housewares, which were very nice quality and better in person (which is seldom the case at Target), and a beach bag and tote. I passed on the clothing, but the little girls dresses were adorable.

  7. Anonymous

    Any multivitamin recs that are easy on the stomach (i.e. no upset or pain or heartburn) that give you pretty much everything you need in terms of vitamins. I’m a 30-ish woman and don’t need any specific vitamin, just want a supplement.

    I’d prefer something that I can buy at CVS, etc. rather than specialty brands that aren’t available everywhere; I’m more likely to start on this if I don’t have to special order or go all over town to find itThanks.

    • Anonymous

      Multivitamins that contain calcium give me heartburn/gas. It’s a known side effect. So I avoid those.

      • Terry

        Calcium pills gave me terrible indigestion when I took them on an empty stomach. I switched to chewables and haven’t had that problem.

    • Veronica Mars

      Kirkland’s adult gummy vitamins are excellent and you can order them online if you don’t have a costco membership. Vitamins only work if you take them, and I like taking these!

      • Vitamins

        +1

        But these don’t have calcium or iron, if you need those, and the vitamin D may not be enough for you if you don’t get enough sun exposure. But you should have your doc give recs on vitamin D based on your levels. Similarly for iron.

        Btw- many (most) of us do not get enough calcium, and these are the critical years to build up our stores. Calculate your intake (dairy and supplements) and consider adding a serving of dairy a day or a chewable calcium daily if you need it.

        And for iron – the easiest on the stomach etc. and good absorption is Vitron-C.

      • Marshmallow

        This. Love MegaFood and you can even subscribe to get a bottle monthly on Amazon.

  8. Closet Redux

    Okay, folks, I’m actually going to pull the trigger on a closet reorganization. I have so many things I’ve bought because they were on sale and I’m ready to let go of those hot deals that don’t fit my body, lifestyle, or taste. My plan is to pull everything out of the closets and donate a lot of it and try to rebuild work and play capsules using the clothes I already have, and add in whatever I need with new purchases. Any tips? I know there are real devotees to the Konmari method. Is there anything out there that includes a practical bent? Lots of my useless stuff sparks the wrong kind of joy– joy because I got a hot deal! And that’s just not practical. I think I’m looking for something that incorporates capsule wardrobing (which I’ve never done, only read about on this s!te).

    • ace

      One tip I’ve heard for people not ready to toss/donate items using the KonMari method is to box up everything for X months (3, 6, etc.?) and revisit then. If you haven’t missed the item and/or it doesn’t spark joy/fill a wardrobe void upon revisit, donate then.

    • Batgirl

      My version of the Konmari method is to evaluate whether I wear something or not (or whether I’m likely to in the next year). And if the answer is no, why am I keeping the item? If it’s out of guilt that I spent money on it and never wore it much, I’ll ask not how much joy it sparks but rather “how long will I punish myself for making this bad purchase?”

      I tend to sort into three piles — keep, donate/recycle/toss, or reevaluate in a month (those go in a shopping bag in the bottom of my closet). I’ll keep adding to the last pile as time passes and usually when I reevaluate, it’s much easier to let it go than it was the first time around. I also try to focus on how great it’ll feel to have less clutter and more space for the items I do like to wear!

      Good luck!

      • Jax

        Just realized I need to ask myself “how long with I punish myself for this purchase?” and toss duds more quickly. I quickly Konmari’d my shoes last night and tossed anything uncomfortable and despised even if I only wore them once. I felt guilty.

        I also went through my jewelry box and tossed all the late 00’s big NY&Co earrings. According to the method, our things shouldn’t be a collection of who we WERE, but who we are now and who we are becoming. That resonated with me.

    • jwalk

      I did something similar recently and here’s the process I followed:

      1. Make a list of what you need for a functional closet (X number of cardigans in A, B, and C colors, etc.).
      2. Go through the closet and pull out everything you’re excited to wear.
      3. Go through the closet and pull out everything that else you need to complete your functional closet.
      4. Of the items in #3, decide which should be replaced soon (for example, you have a black cardigan but it’s really thin and worn out, so you’ll keep it for now but be on the lookout for another) and make a list. Every time you go shopping, bring the list and see if you find anything on it. This also works for gaps in your wardrobe you might not have noticed prior to making the functional wardrobe list.
      5. Go through everything else in your closet with a really critical eye. Only keep things that you know you’ll actually wear because you WANT to. Anything that you only want to keep because it was a good deal, or a gift, or has good memories associated with it, box up and put aside for a month. If you haven’t reached for any of those items in that time, donate the box without opening it up again.

      • SoCalAtty

        This is a great idea but…any suggestions where I can find a list of what I need for a “functional” work closet? That’s where I seem to be getting hung up. I’m not sure how many I need of which item.

        • lawsuited

          I followed the process above pretty closely, except that I didn’t make a “functional wardrobe list” I just decided that I needed 10 tops (blouses, pullovers), 5 bottoms (pants, skirts, 5 toppers (cardigans, blazers) for “everyday” at work plus 3 full suits for “special”. (Note that I strive for 50 items in my capsule wardrobe rather than 33, so my numbers are higher that what the capsule closet gurus would recommend. But I’m not a guru, I’m just a regular woman trying to stop her closet from exploding without creating more stress over justifying items 34-50.)

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            Was going to say basically this, except that I find it better to have 4 or 6 of things instead of 5, so I don’t accidentally fall into the rut of wearing the same thing on the same day of the week every week. Also, briefly, here’s my work capsule, for reference (I’m an attorney who goes to court regularly, if I didn’t have so much court I’d probably swap the suits for a few wrap dresses and a few more cardigans and/or casual blazers):

            1. Black suit (jacket/pants/skirt)
            2. Navy suit (jacket/pants/skirt)
            3. Gray suit (jacket/skirt)
            4. Pencil skirts in gray and tan
            5. Black trousers
            6. Sheath dresses in black and navy
            7. Cardigans in black, white, olive, and tan
            8. 9 shell tops (mix of sleeveless and short sleeve, in colors that match black, gray, and navy)
            9. 2 casual blazers (one is black, one is patterned)
            10. 2 long-sleeve pullover sweaters (light pink and gray)

            The key if you’re going capsule is to make sure that everything matches everything else – pick your base neutrals (mine are black, gray, and navy, obviously), and then don’t buy or keep anything that doesn’t match ALL of your base neutrals.

    • Miz Swizz

      I wouldn’t get too caught up in the joy aspect of the KonMari method. I took everything out of my closet and laid it on our guest bed. Then I picked up each piece of clothing and considered the following things, listed in order of importance:

      1. Do I want to wear this?
      2. Is it flattering/does it fit?
      3. Does it go with the other things I like to wear?

      I found that most of the things I got rid of are the things that hung in my closet but never got worn. Sure, I donated things that other people would consider staples, but it was a hugely successful endeavor. It was good for me to pull everything out because I was confronted with a MASSIVE pile of clothing. I also realized that the colors I most like to wear are navy, maroon and army green so keeping that in mind allowed me to let go of some of the “great” deals that I never wore because they never looked right with the rest of my things.

    • Amy H.

      I think you’ll find some very helpful blog posts on Angie’s site — You Look Fab (go to the blog part). She has certain posts tagged with wardrobe planning and/or closet organizing — something along those lines.

      • Amy H.

        I also really like stylist Kendall Farr’s book “The Pocket Stylist” for a template for what should be (or what is most helpful/versatile to have) in your core wardrobe — then you can add on from there based on whether you work in a business formal office or not, etc.

  9. France

    I’m in the early stages of planning a trip to France. We’d like to do a few days in Paris, but also get outside the city. Visiting Normandy would be incredible, maybe some vineyards? I’ve traveled around Europe quite a bit, but never to France. What’s the best way to start planning? This would be a little splurge for us (just me and DH), but we don’t want to utterly break the bank.

    Best resources? Should I be using a travel agent or using Jetsetter/Groupon/some other site to capitalize on a pre-planned trip? Other than good old fashioned Google & Trip Advisor, I’m not sure where to start!

    • Anonymous

      Start with getting a France guidebook and figuring out what regions you’d like to go to. You have a good start if you know you’d like to go to Paris, Normandy and some vineyards. If you have friends who have visited the country, ask them for recs. Ask here too! Once you’ve narrowed down where you want to go, figure out how you’ll break down whatever time you have between destinations. Book your plane tickets to France. Then book a hotel in each place. TripAdvisor is the best resource for this (you might check Yelp as well, which has a growing presence in France and tends to be more accurate in my opinion). Then figure out how you’re going to get between destinations (in France I would recommend trains), and make the arrangements for inter-country travel. Finally, comb through guidebooks and TripAdvisor to figure out what you’ll do and see (and eat, if you care about that) in each place.
      I hate travel agents and have never had a good experience with one. I think they’re a complete waste of money in the age of the internet, but if you really feel hopeless about planning, you could consult one. I would never do a Groupon package deal as I have heard a lot of horror stories, and package tours aren’t my thing.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Triphobo! They provide recommended itineraries, and suggested things to see, etc. Highly recommend.

    • No name

      What time of year? If near Christmas, Strasbourg is worth a day (and you can squeeze Germany in if you go that route too!). Versailles is beautiful, but only worth a day outside of Paris if you can go when the gardens are at their peak. And I hear, but have yet to confirm personally, unfortunately, that Nice is a MUST-visit in nicer weather too. Good luck! I love Paris and could go again and again and I’m sure you will have a blast whenever and wherever else you go!

    • Amy H.

      I’d recommend starting by buying the Rick Stevsles guidebooks for Paris and France overall. Those will help you set priorities and also have very good logistics sections (choosing flights/in-country train travel, etc.) as well as hotel recs.

      • WTF

        Also look at the app versions so you don’t have to lug a book around once you are there! Sometimes they are free or discounted with the book. Or, you can get the app free with an older version of the book and it has updated contact info/times, etc.

  10. anonymous

    Has anyone tried taking pantothenic acid vitamins for acne? If so, did it cause hair loss for you? Did it work?

    • Anon

      No I haven’t and not what you asked….but have you tried Aldactone for acne? It is a prescription and it has worked wonders for my skin!

    • Vitamins

      Didn’t help me.

      Benzoyl peroxide, retinoids, spironolactone.

      Wish I had started decades ago.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Retin A and spironolactone have changed my life. I almost never wear makeup anymore bc I WANT to show off my great skin.

        • PMP28

          +1 Spiranolactone changed my life! I used to have at least one zit each week that I had to cover up. Now it is incredibly rare (knock on wood) to have any blemishes, and if you do, apply retinoids and that sucker will be gone real quick. I wish I had gotten that Rx so so long ago. Once you find an awesome derm, never let them go.

          • Anon

            Spironolactone changed my life. Now that I am pregnant and can’t take it, all hell has broken loose. Can’t wait until I can go back on it!!

      • Hollis

        Vitamins – do you mind sharing what you do for your morning/evening skin routine? Do you use a cleanser with benzoyl peroxide or a topical application? Thanks.

    • Maddie Ross

      Zinc is the one vitamin that’s made a notable difference for me with acne (more cystic kind). Just the Nature Made tablets.

    • Anonymous

      Yup, and it worked AWESOME. I had really bad side effects on accutane and spiranolactone. Did some online research and landed on pantothenic acid (vitamin B5). I used the doses that people recommended on Reddit and it started clearing up my cystic acne literally almost immediately. I have gorgeous clear skin now. And I didn’t have any hair loss issues.

  11. AIMS

    I got newspaper ink on my favorite pale pink suede shoes (threw everything in a tote together). Any idea how to get it off? Are they doomed?

    • Coach Laura

      I would take them to the most well-respected cobbler in your area. Ask around for recs if you don’t know one.

  12. Midori

    I’m seeing “barcode” with that jacket too, but with the right ensemble, I think it could be pulled off.

    Etiquette question: I received an invitation to a “trunk show,” which, upon some investigation turns out to be more of a MLM clothing line — think Pampered Chef party for clothes. The invitation is from the wife of someone I sit on a board with. He (the board member/husband) has a rather important role in a company that is both an important client of my firm and the employer of my husband. He’s very nice, I like him a lot, I’m sure he gave her my name, she wrote me a hand-written invitation, and I don’t mind. But: I don’t really want to buy the clothes. They’re nice, just a bit more expensive than what I would wear, and I don’t need more not-for-court clothes right now.

    What do I do? Go, pick out a nice belt or something on the less expensive end? Write a thanks, but sorry can’t make it this time note? Ignore because oh, the nerve?

    • Cdn Anon

      Ideally you might have an unmoveable event (sister’s birthday, niece’s confirmation?) but it would have to be 100% legit because of the close relationship between invitor and you. Otherwise, yes — go and buy something small/inexpensive. I normally avoid MLM like the plague and decline without excuse for acquaintances but I think in this case you should go if you can’t come up with a reason not to.

    • anon

      Ugh how awful. I’d probably go, “cheerfully” buy the belt whatever, and secretly hate the guy for the rest of my life.

    • JJ

      Sounds like you need to have a conflict during that party. Is it that brand LuLaRo or something like that? I also avoid MLM like the plague, but if you can’t create a conflict, then I’d go and buy something relatively cheap.

      • Midori

        It’s Etcetera. I’d never heard of them before. The whole “private label that you don’t have to drive to New York for” thing doesn’t really get me excited, since I’m pretty happy to wear The Limited and Target and not give a flip about the label.

        I’m liking the buy something small off the website through her and send a note thanking her for inviting me and letting me know about this lovely line, and regretting that I don’t have time to attend in person. It’s a week-long “show,” where you make an appointment to come look, so it’s going to be hard to come up with an actual hard conflict other than a vague “I’m pretty busy that week.” Ooooor I could book a week-long cruise that week and conveniently be out of the country. Might backfire on my “too expensive” objection.

        • Anonymous

          Buying something small off the website sounds like a good compromise, if you really feel like you have to support her because of her husband’s position.

    • Delta Dawn

      This happens to me a lot– DH works with a lot of men whose wives stay at home, and they all invite each other (and me) to their MLM things. There are so many that I don’t go to any of them any more, but I always order a small item. I have a year’s worth of Scentsy hand cream in my desk drawer. Sounds like this might be more of a one-time thing, and it also sounds like you don’t really mind attending as much as you mind buying. Unfortunately, I think at least a small purchase is inescapable. Maybe you can find something you like, even though you don’t need it. Or maybe you can gift it to someone… or, if it’s a clutter issue, just donate it. Sorry you have to deal with this; I know how you feel.

    • ace

      I don’t do MLM, so unless it’s a very close friend and/or something I’m actually interested in, I have an immovable conflict. I RSVP “no” well in advance and express regrets, but I don’t think you’re by any means obligated to attend.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I would politely send regrets. I don’t think you’re obligated to attend.

      • Bewitched

        +2 I find the responses suggesting that you go and buy something you don’t need or want to be so perplexing. It’s perfectly polite to RSVP no even if you don’t have a conflict.

        • SC

          I agree that you should RSVP “no.” You have a business relationship with her husband, not her, and you are not obligated to accept invitations to MLM parties. What happened to the “An invitation is not a summons” chorus around here? Because I repeat that refrain in my head all the time.

  13. anon

    I work at an east coast office of a big law firm and will be traveling to London this week (for personal, not business) reasons and have asked for an office in our London office so I can do some work there. I know I could just ask someone there, but figured I’d ask you ladies first– what is a typical day’s outfit like at a big law firm in London, assuming I will not be seeing any clients (or really interacting much with anyone aside from the receptionist)? I’ve heard people dress up more there, but wearing a suit when I’m not seeing clients or going to court seems strange. Would ankle pants, a blouse, and pumps be okay?

    TIA!

    • Runner 5

      It’s still pretty cold for ankle trousers here (the sun is a liar) and people will question your judgement. For our current weather, I would go for pencil skirt, tights, non-matching blazer, and blouse.

    • Red Velvet

      I work at the most formal of the London law firms, and the only people who wear a suit are 1) all the men, 2) three senior female partners and 3) me. Most women wear a dress, tights and nice blazer / cardigan.

      I think when people say we dress up more here, they mean people’s casual clothes in the street are usually a bit sharper.

  14. Betty White

    So I’ve got a pretty great problem. I’m about to go onto maternity leave with our first baby in a few weeks. My boss, on her own, said that she wanted me to know that, while she certainly wasn’t pushing it, she would be open to me working four days a week at 80% pay — or working four days a week at 100% pay (by putting in longer hours on those four days).

    Personally, I’ve wanted to work less when the baby was here (really, I wish I could find a way to work three days at week but I don’t see that happening) but I’m worried that the first scenario (4 days a week at 80% pay) would just mean a pay cut and no real reduction in work. But I’m also worried that signing up for 4 days a week at 10 hrs/day is going to feel like too much schedule-wise with a new baby.

    For what it’s worth, I’m going back when the baby is 4 months old and I can work from home most days. (I know, I’m extremely fortunate). Other missing piece of the pie is that I currently make about $125K and my husband makes $85K in a “medium” cost-of-living area. We can afford either scenario but would definitely have to cut back a little more if I took a 20% hit. And it doesn’t seem like our daycare costs would go down because part time is 3 days a week. Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I think you’re right about the 4 days/80% scenario – you’ll end up working the same hours for less pay. Do you have childcare or will you be caring for baby while working at home?

      • Anonymous

        Oh, never mind, I reread your post. You have daycare. OK, the 10 hours/4 days/100% pay sounds pretty ideal to me, especially if you’re working at home. At least you won’t be stuck in an office for 10 hours a day.

      • Betty White

        We have a deposit down with a daycare center, but are looking into nanny shares where the other family would host.

      • Anonymous

        I think it depends a lot on the nature of the job. If you have a job where you’re really off the clock when you’re off (except for maybe monitoring email on your phone) then I think working four days a week really could result in a significantly lighter workload. If you’re in any kind of position with billable hours, such as law or consulting, you obviously need a 20% reduction in the billable hour expectation as well for this to have any meaning. Not sure what industry you’re in but I have friends in tech who have very successfully gone to 4 days in the office/80% pay and feel like they are actually working at 80%.

        • Betty White

          Thanks — I’m a lawyer but do not have a traditional legal job so no billable hours requirements (I don’t track my time at all in this position). I can definitely be “off the clock” on that fifth day, but the overall amount of work won’t change because my role wouldn’t change and my day-to-day is dictated by on-the-ground events. So while the expectation would be that I wouldn’t check email or answer calls on that fifth day, the crises that I sometimes manage wouldn’t stop and there would be more work waiting for me when I get back on Monday. That’s why I’m leaning a bit toward the four, 10-hour day schedule. Just hoping to hear if there are any pitfalls (i.e. will I start working 5, 10-hour days somehow)!

    • anon

      I would absolutely start with 4 days at 100% pay. I have been working 5 10+ hour days and do not like it, but 4 would be perfect — that extra day off, if you could really trust it was off, would add SO MUCH to my overall happiness. it would be worth paying for 5 days of childcare, for me.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      How many hours/day do you normally work now? Are you used to working 10 hour days? Especially working from home, it wouldn’t be that bad.

      • Betty White

        I do tend to work longer days, but I think it’s largely because I procrastinate during the day. Especially now that I’m home, I don’t have as much of an incentive to work quickly because I have the extra time to sit at my desk and still be home at a decent time for dinner (because I’m already home!). But I think that having the baby would necessarily change all that — I think I’d work more efficiently and get everything done in less time.

        • Anonymous

          And you can always take a nap since you’re at home, if the baby keeps you up all night. Your boss will be none the wiser. :)

    • meme

      I’ve done a reduced hours schedule and it worked just fine; I think it depends on your workplace. If you can afford it, I’d first ask for a 3 day/week/60% schedule. If that won’t fly, I’d take the 80%/4 days. Longer workdays with a newborn will be hard both in terms of exhaustion and time away from baby. Can you put off a final decision until baby is a few months old? You’ll have a much better sense for what you want/can handle.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – babies are often awake only 12 hours. if you have any kind of commute you could have as little as 1 hour/day with baby for 10 hr days

        • Betty White

          Yes, but I’d be working at home most days!

          My fear with the 60% schedule is that there is no way the work that I have will go down to 60%. I could MAYBE get it down to 80% with some delegating but not 60%.

          • Coach Laura

            I’d take the 4/10s and kick it out of the park during the work hours and disconnect as much as possible on the 5th day. Sounds like an ideal schedule given that you’ll still have 40 hours’ worth of work even if you work only 80%. And working at home with zero commute is the ultimate perk!

    • ace

      One thing to keep in mind is pumping schedule — depending on your commute, being away from baby for 10 hours + 2 commutes/pickups could mean pumping several times at work (3-4) and maybe not seeing the baby much awake on your 4 days.
      Can you wait and decide shortly before returning? Or do a combination — e.g., a month or two of 80% to help you ramp up and then switch to the 4 long days if you find it’s doable at the 6 month mark or so?
      Good luck! Glad to hear your boss is so flexible!

      • Betty White

        This is a good suggestion! I should say that I’d only plan on doing the four day a week thing until the baby was about a year, then go back to a normal schedule. But starting with the four 8-hr days and then ramping up to the four 10-hr days might be a good compromise.

        And I should have made this clearer, but I’m working from home (with the baby in childcare) so pumping at the office/commuting wouldn’t be a factor.

        • ace

          Even with WFH, keep in mind that the daycare pick up may also take some time – that was something I didn’t factor in myself. Even if you’re very nearby (or could walk!) to the daycare, you’ll go in, transition with the caregiver, pick everything up to take home, etc. (and vice versa in the morning), and that’s probably going to take a minimum of 15 mins + to/from travel. That may also affect your long days, as in my area, you have to arrive for pick up by 6:15/30 –keep in mind daycare hours as you think about your long days.

          Good luck again!

    • Bette

      Yes, my wife has this schedule and it’s awesome.

      We are paying for five days worth of day care anyway so often we will pop the baby in for half the day so my wife can catch up on some sleep and run some errands uninterrupted in the morning (I do daycare drop off) and then she and the baby have a low-key afternoon chilling.

      It makes our weekends so much more restful.

      I think it’s also really made a difference in my wife’s well-being. She gave birth to our child so having a morning totally to herself to sleep, drink coffee in silence, try a cool new brunch place, go to the doctor, whatever she wants to do. has really been restorative.

      • Betty White

        Thanks, this is really helpful. I think it’d be more for my benefit than anything else!

        • Meg Murry

          Yes, I’d highly recommend you plan to have and use 5 days of care in the early days. If you get everything done so you can not work on the 5th day, you could always pick baby up early.

          The other reason I’d say to plan for 5 days of care but 4 days of work is that that way when baby gets sick and can’t go to daycare (which will happen far too often), you could take a day off to be home with a sick baby and get very little work done, and then make it up later in the week without burning through all your PTO.

          I think the proposal to go back at 80% for a few weeks and then see whether you’d rather add a 5th day or bump up to 10 hours is a wise one.

          • Spirograph

            I did 4 day work weeks with 5 days of daycare after my second maternity leave, and it was the best thing ever for the PTO-saving reason. I was 80% time, but my commute was easily an hour each way… if you have a short commute, 10 hour days are totally do-able. If you have a long one, I would think hard about a compressed work week.

            I never had my kids on the 5th day. I’d pick them up earlier, sure, but that was my day to do errands, take care of household stuff, and relax a little bit.

    • Anonymous

      I have a 4-10 schedule. It is not that great. I end up working 4 10-hour days, and then 1 8-hour day. I just cannot keep up with the demands, and my clients are not going to refrain from calling me on Friday out of respect for my flex schedule. The kids are in day care for 5 days a week. Women who have tried the 4 day/80% route end up working full time for part time pay. Maybe it would work out for you if you are not ‘on call’ with clients. Otherwise, I would negotiate 1 or 2 days of telecommuting, which I find is helpful because I spend the time with my children rather than commuting to and from work.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I’m curious though if you are imposing a heavier burden on yourself than necessary. Does your employer require you to be on call that 5th day? If not, are you returning calls/emails because you feel you should as opposed to really having to?

        I realized that when I’m in court, at a mediation or at a deposition, my other clients wait because they have to wait. I literally cannot be in two places at once and a judge isn’t going to let me be on the phone with another client in her court room, nor would it be fair to the client whose hearing we are currently attending.

        So, if my clients can wait on those fairly frequent occasions, they can also wait when I take a vacation day or sick day. Reception just says “she is not in the office today and will be returning calls tomorrow. Would you like her voicemail?” It has worked out surprisingly well.

        I’m not in biglaw and my employer does not care if I do this.

    • SC

      I would do the 4 10-hour days and use the extra day to go grocery shopping, run errands, tidy the house, get your haircut, take a nap, etc. You won’t have time for any of that at the end of a 10-hour workday, and then you can have some weekend time to relax and have family fun.

    • Anonymous 1

      So I am doing pretty much exactly this and I went back to work around the same baby age. I love it. I work from 8-6 four days a week so 100%, baby is at home, no billable hour requirement, and the only difference is I cannot technically work from home but I do sometimes do additional work this way as needed.

      I agree that your workload is unlikely to decrease much if you do 80%. But for me, I find that I can do what I used to do 9-5 Monday to Friday over the course of four days this way fairly easily especially since I come in earlier and leave a little later. In fact, I find the longer day like this very productive.

      Things I’ll note: my work place tends to be slow on Fridays so that’s the day I do not come in. It also makes for a nicer weekend. My boss sometimes does schedule things for me on Fridays and then I have to remind him to reschedule if its something that requires my attendance and once in a while I just have to come in briefly for whatever it is if it cannot be moved. I think this arrangement is easier if you don’t have to do daycare drop off. If I needed to factor in additional time to get baby ready for daycare and drop her off, I think I would be exhausted. Right now I just automate everything so that I wake up, feed baby, get dressed and am out the door.

    • Anonymous

      Make sure that if you do choose the 80% option, which seems great to me, that you will get paid for the hours you go above.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I went part time at 70% after my first (in BigLaw). I don’t think you can expect that it will be exactly x% of your prior time commitments, but in my case the paycut was the necessary justification for turning down work, since at 100% it was basically expected that you would never say no. On my days off, I was never totally offline (and did not set my out of office), but people were generally pretty good about respecting my schedule and I usually responded to a few emails or hopped on a short call if necessary. But it was pretty great to have one day to run errands, do laundry etc.

    • anon

      If you choose the 80% option, you may not have to cut back your spending as much as you think. Our combined household income is not as high as yours, but we were able to fold in full-time daycare and all the incidentals that come with a baby without really feeling it in our budget. I found that we did not have time for the non-essential things we did pre-baby, so those cut-backs just took care of themselves (e.g., less going out to eat and movie dates, no more season football tickets, etc.).

      • Betty White

        Thanks, that’s helpful to remember as well. We’ve already cut our expenses significantly by leaving a very HCOL area for a medium-COL area and I expect we’ll offset some of the daycare expenses with a more netflix-centered social life!

    • Midori

      Absolutely depends on how much the baby sleeps, and how well baby does nights, in my book. Both my babies were terrible sleepers for about the first year, and I failed to take that into account when I was planning my heroic return to work, especially after number 1. I found that I just could.not.function on less than 2 hours of sleep in a row for months on end. If you have a baby who sleeps at night, or a partner who takes a night feeding (mine did not), you might have better luck swinging a full return.

    • hoola hoopa

      Have you ever done a consistent 10 hour day? My husband and I both did (pre-kids, FWIW), and he loved it and I HATED it.

      I’d do option #3: Four 8hr days. If you spread the 20% off out over five days, you will be working as much, but you can set up boundaries if you have a scheduled day off. I’ve done and seen it many times both ways. The bonus of having full-time baby care so that you have a day for appointments, errands, etc is also a huge boon.

  15. shopping help

    I’m looking to buy one of those trendy round beach towels as a gift for a friend, but want to keep it under around $40-$50. any ideas for where I could find one that’s in that price range?

    Thanks!

  16. AEK

    Working 10 hours days with a 4-month old would not have been possible for me, both in terms of time lost with baby and the ability to work that long with the sleep deprivation / other post-partum issues. I went back to work at 20 weeks, so about the same as you. I would not sign on for longer workdays. (This assumes that you will have childcare for the 10 hours per day while you are working from home rather than having any time with baby— which seems incompatible with work.)

  17. anon

    Anyone made the switch from practicing law to working in university administration in some capacity? I am contemplating a similar switch (to positions that use many of the same skills I use in my niche practice, some of which are “jd optimal but not required” and some of which don’t mention jd but are related to my current work — not student services or anything). Thinking about things like potential future career trajectory, as well as positioning myself to actually get the interview.

    • Anonymous

      No experience with academia personally, but I do think it would be hard to go back to private legal practice from a JD optional job, let alone a job that doesn’t mention a JD. I’m not trying to discourage you – it’s a great move for many people and I have friends who have done it and are a million times happier than they were before, but I do think you have to think of it as very likely being a one way street.

      • anon

        Right, the decision is whether I want to leave traditional law practice permanently — might be worth it, not necessarily worth it if I would be stuck in the one particular position forever (but could be depending on other opportunities at that or other local universities going forwards).

    • Anonymous

      I very recently moved from law into a “JD required” role at a public university. I love it. I do employment law type work, but am not considered to be a practicing attorney for the school. It’s a wonderful, interesting job with low stress and 8-5 hours. Future career trajectory is not totally clear, but there are plenty of roles like mine around the country, from mid-level all the way up to VP level. I am not too concerned as I also think I could get back into a law firm or government law job if I really hustled.

      As far as getting the interview–academia is weird. At least here, people are impressed by strong academic credentials and want to work with someone who is bright and committed. Use your cover letter to show how your current experience translates well to the position, and also talk about how the university can benefit from your unique knowledge in your area of expertise. If you are interviewing with PhDs, be ready to pontificate…lots of times they just want to examine issues/ideas! Also, be prepared for a pay cut. Part of the reason I think I got the job is because many others couldn’t swing the kind of cut I took. But it’s totally worth it if you find position that works for you! Good luck!

      • same anon

        Thank you! Employment is also my niche and it’s great to hear you found something that sounds perfect for you. Can I ask if you found the position through a posted listing or through networking? I am more accustomed to networking (in the boutique firm context) but at least for public universities, the postings seem to be the way — but I may be mistaken.

        • Anonymous

          I found a posting through my network. Postings are generally the way it’s done. In addition to University websites, check out NACUA and AAAED for a good comprehensive collection of open jobs. If you want to post an email address, I am happy to email you to talk more about my role specifically.

          • same anon

            I would love that, if you have the time. Try me at sameanon2 at google mail. I would be really grateful.

        • emeralds

          Not on the legal side of things, but for public universities, you will definitely see job postings because of state hiring requirements. Most private universities follow similar practices. But that does not mean you don’t have to network! As with every job, it’s easier to get a foot in the door if you know someone.

          Also, be prepared for the fact that hiring in higher ed moves at a glacial pace. In my most recent job search, longest cycle was apply in February; first round interview in late April; on-campus interview in May; offer in late June. That was lengthy even for higher ed, but my current position felt like it had a quicker-than-usual turnaround with three months from application to offer.

  18. Ripped Bodice

    Looking for romance novel recommendations. I rarely read this genre but looking to expand my choices. Recommendations anyone? I would like something well written, open to most things e.g. multicultural, historical, anything except the paranormal i.e. vampires etc.

    • cbackson

      My absolute favorites, all of which deliver good plots and a solid emotional impact without insulting your intelligence:

      -Courtney Milan (mostly historicals)
      -Mary Balogh (also historicals)
      -Loretta Chase (again, historical)
      -Julie James (my hands down favorite contemporaries, because the heroines are all professional women with real jobs – in lots of romances, the heroine’s job is something twee like cupcake baker or yarn shop owner)

      • Shopaholic

        I really like Jennifer Weiner books which I feel like are entertaining chick lit/romance books. Also Emily Giffin.

    • Anonymous

      Receiver of Many by Rachel Alexander. It’s a take on Hades and Persephone. Historically accurate, beautifully detailed, very well written (proper grammar, sophisticated syntax), actual female agency, rich characters, and very hot gardening. I read it for free on Archive of Our Own and then paid into the Kickstarter (along with hundreds of others) to help fund her publishing it because it was worth paying for. Part two is Destroyer of Light, and the third book should be out this fall. Highly recommended.

    • Anonymous

      I mostly read historicals. Eloisa James, Julia Quinn, and Lisa Kleypas are considered the best in the genre.

      • HnH

        +1 For Lisa Kleypas, check out her Wallflower series and Hathaway series (particularly Love in the Afternoon)

        For Courtney Milan, try her Turner series (particularly Unraveled)

    • Meg March

      Check out Smart B*tches, Trashy Books– it’s a website that does reviews of romance books.

    • EGH

      I feel romance recommendations are especially personal, but here is my view:

      For historical, Julia Quinn is a good choice, particularly the earlier books in her Bridgerton series, as is Judith McNaught – Kingdom of Dreams; Whitney, My Love, etc. Julie Garwood also has some of my absolute favorite historicals, but she also has a few duds – check the story lines and reviews and see what appeals. Ditto Johanna Lindsey’s early works, if you want real bodice rippers.

      Contemporaries are slightly tricker because online publishing has lead to a more niche approach, but Susan Elizabeth Phillips (check for her Chicago Stars series, in particular) is a pretty safe bet. If you are open to “young/new adult” books (often with angst or darker themes), Colleen Hoover has some real gems (ex: Hopeless), as does Amy Harmon.

      Happy reading!

      • Godzilla

        Eh, Judith McNaught and her r@ping virg!ns storylines, eh. Very well-written tho. And Julie Garwood with her forced marriages. Also meh.

        Too bad you’re not into paranormal – The Parasol Protectorate series by Gail Carriger is great.

        For fluff written about curmudgeony women protagonists, I recommend Jennifer Crusie. I love the way she writes about donuts and dessert.

        • cbackson

          Yeah, I find both McNaught and Garwood too Old Skool for me.

          How did I forget Crusie??? I just wish she had more books.

      • Mpls

        Contemporary – Nora Roberts. She has multiple sets of triologies + lots of standalones. If you like romantic suspense, try her In Death series (written as JD Robb).

        Just don’t try to read too many too close together. She has a formula she does very well, but you need to space out the reading of her books so it doesn’t get too annoying.

    • Runner 5

      I’ve heard good reviews of Courtney Milan, but not read any of her work.

      Not romances as such, but I love Outlander and I recently LOVED The Paying Guests by Sarah Walters.

      • Anonymous

        The Outlander series are my favourite books of all time. The first in the series (Outlander) is more of a traditional historical romance; the later books are more historical fiction with a heavy romance bent. If you like British and American 18th century history, you’ll love them. Feel free to ask about them if you have any questions, I’m obsessed. :)

        • Manhattanite

          I’ve just gotten into the Outlander series! It’s really gotten me obsessed. I’ve been reading one after the other. Fun books!

  19. dust bunny

    I am moving in with my fiancé by the end of the month. Looking for your best cleaning advice.

    While he is quite tidy – dishes always done, clothes put away, little clutter – the house in general just isn’t clean. It’s a classic bachelor pad – grimy bathroom, dust everywhere, etc.

    Two things add insult to injury. He has two large heavy-shedding dogs. I have a third non-shed dog. When he was living alone, the floor was literally a carpet of fur. He rarely swept, let alone mopped or vacuumed. I have brought my Dyson over and am trying to clean dog fur as much as possible, but the fur is in my eyes, in my mouth, all over everything all the time. Even if I vacuum daily, there is still fur everywhere.

    Second, the house was built in the 1880s, and is much larger than anywhere I have lived – around 2500 sq ft. Because it is so old, it just never gets clean the way new construction does. And it’s just a large space to clean! I mop and mop, but the floor is still filthy with decades of dust.

    Yes, we are looking into maid service. But the house needs such a thorough scrub-down that I think hiring someone(s) to do it would take days and hundreds of dollars. I’d rather get it super-clean ourselves and then hire someone to do a normal clean once or twice a month.

    Fiancé is helpful and pro-cleaning – but I am taking the lead on this “project,” as he handles so much else around the house. We also plan to re-paint, re-tile, etc, which should help.

    Looking for your best cleaning tips, products, fur minimizing ideas, resources, etc. Harsh chemicals welcome. I use UFYH and fly lady, but both are smaller-scale than what I need. I feel like I have to purchase one of those toxic-waste suits that they use to clean up chemical spills. Blech.

    • Anonymous

      Deep cleaning a 2500 sq foot house isn’t going to take “days and days.” A cleaning crew can probably get the job done in 4-6 hours. Cost will be highly dependent on your area and yes it might be a few hundred dollars, but I think it will be well worth it. Much easier to keep a clean house clean than to clean a filthy house.

      • ace

        Ditto this. Explain the situation and/or have the cleaning crew do an estimate, but they should be able to bring enough hands to get it done in a day. I think you need the deep clean to get the slate relatively clean (pun intended), otherwise you’ll just end up moving dog hair around (yuck!)

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes. Hire it out. It will probably cost a few hundred dollars but it will be totally worth it.

      • Different cleaning expectations

        +1

        I’m also a little worried for you….. Hope you can relax a little.

        Room a for between cleaner visits?

    • meme

      I agree with the comment above, hire a cleaning crew (and their experience with serious grime), and tell them specifically what you are looking for (deep clean, grout white again, baseboards important, for example) so they can be sure to focus on the things that are bothering you. For the dog hair, get a Roomba at Costco for $350 and schedule it to run every day while you’re out of the house. I have no pets, but I have kids, and Roomba is my best life hack from the past year.

      • emeralds

        I’ve notified everyone in my life that I want a Roomba. Even if I had the time to vacuum every single day, my large, double-coated dog would still fluff all over the place.

        • also

          You can afford to buy a Roomba. You are about to save a ton of money living together, and you can split the cost with your boyfriend.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. Hire out the deep clean (people who get houses ready to sell for instance) and get a Roomba for daily maintenance. It will not take cleaning experts anywhere near as long as it would take you because they have the tools and experience to do it quickly.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I would hire someone to do an intense cleaning before you move in. There is no way that it would take them days, it would cost more than average cleanings but then you guys can start with a clean slate. They come in with a team, and can do things so much faster than you can. It would help if your fiance could pick up stuff as much as possible so all they are doing is deep cleaning.

      As for relationship tips with cleaning:
      Make a list of everything you expect to be done and how often. Like dishes done every day, bathroom wiped down every other day, sheets changed weekly etc Then each of you rank the list of most favorite chores to least favorite. I hate taking the trash out for example, just because its cold and rainy out there haha, but don’t mind vacuuming. My husband hates vacuuming. It makes sense to give people jobs that they don’t totally hate.

      My husband and I have a playlist of music that we play after dinner and we both clean up from dinner, and neither one of us sits down or goes to relax til it is cleaned up while we are dancing away to the music.

      Are there stairs in this house? My biggest pro tip is having a basket that sits by the stairs and you put things in it that need to go up and anytime someone goes up the stairs they carry it up. I have one on the top and the same thing happens going down the stairs. That way mugs, shoes, purses, books etc don’t end up in the wrong places.

      Keep cleaning supplies in the places you will need them. Spray in the bathroom with rags. Then you can just easily wipe things down without having to go track down the cleaning stuff.

      Will you have a guest room? It might make sense to just not have the dogs go in that room, so you don’t have to be so intense about cleaning it unless someone is coming to sleep there.

    • mascot

      Regarding the shedding dogs- can BF step up their grooming routine – a few times a week, use a shedding blade or similar to remove loose hair, talk to a groomer about options for a clip. Also, we find that giving our dogs fish oil capsules reduces shedding. They swallow them whole and it doesn’t give them stinky breath.

      And agreed that a deep clean by professionals won’t take days, especially if there is no clutter to work around.

    • 2 Cents

      I lived in a turn of the c entury house and one thing that really helped me see things as “clean” was to refloor the rooms (where possible — much of it had been carpeted in the last 100 years) and repaint all the ceilings, walls, trim and doors.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, you probably don’t need to do anything extra special – buy a bunch of cleaning products from the store, the basic brands are fine, and go to town. You may need to vacuum first, dust, then vacuum again (or multiple times if there is literally a carpet of hair. have you considered upgrading your vacuum?) Wipe down everything (including floors, baseboards, windows, furniture, vents, all surfaces including dusting your ceiling) and if the floors are still “dirty” after cleaning they may simply need to be refinished. You can look for places that might need to be recaulked, like around windows. Perhaps you can take the dogs to the groomer and they can suggest a routine to minimize hair loss – hair getting into your mouth and nose is pretty gross – or keep a dog-free zone.

    • Anonymous

      Take the dogs to groomers + board them for a day or two so you can have a cleaning crew properly clean the place. It’d actually have a professional service do it, then go over the whole house yourselves again for anything they missed. Then bring the dogs back from the kennel. I’d actually suggest cleaners weekly vs biweekly or monthly if you can swing it at all. Three dogs is a lot of fur.

    • Anonymous

      I’d tell him to hire a cleaning service to do a deep spring clean before I’m moving in, and then let’s talk about our routine going forward.

      Idk why you are hell bent on being his maid. I’m all for dividing responsibilities but have some self respect here. There is no reason for you to be cleaning up years of his filth.

    • also

      FYI. You will also need to change your expectation of clean. Unless you repaint, many things will not come clean.

      I also found magic erasers helpful, but painting is best.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        This will likely happen automatically too. Everything will look dirty to you at first. Then after a month or so you will become blind to some of it.

    • Anonymous

      Adding to the list – get the ducts cleaned and clean/replace the house’s air filter. Groupon always has deals on duct cleaning.

  20. Meg March

    I am engaged. The secretaries at my work bring it up constantly, and it’s frustrating me so much. So far today, I’ve already had 3 comments on it– and it’s 11 am on a Monday!

    It’s esp. frustrating because the comments they make are hard to respond to. For example, I was asked how my weekend was, I replied that it was very relaxing, I went on a hike. The response? Get your relaxing time in now, you’ll be so stressed as the wedding gets closer. I reply with a laugh and say “I think I have a pretty good handle on things” or “that’s what the planner is for!” or “we’re trying to remember it’s just one day!” etc. This repeats ad naseam on a variety of topics (I eat a doughnut hole and get comments about fitting into my dress; I was sick last week so better hope I don’t get sick the week of my wedding). If I try to protest/challenge their comments at all, their response is usually to look at me pityingly, and say “Oh, you’ll see.”

    There is a 30+ year age gap, which I think plays a role. I also think that they’re just trying to connect to me so I try not to get too upset about it, but the absolute deluge of comments this morning has set me off. Thanks for letting me rant.

    • Anonymous

      Some of those comments may be well-intentioned but the donut hole thing is just straight up rude.

    • Veronica Mars

      “You’re so funny!” Is my go to response when people are being rude. One day I will think of something more eloquent but for right now it’s my knee jerk.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like they don’t have a lot going on. I would smile and then ignore. If you are not engaging with them on the topic then they’ll drop it. They’re just looking for something to chat about.

      • Samantha

        +1 Second the comment not to engage. For example –
        “weekend was relaxing.”
        “get your relaxation in now before the wedding!”
        “yup! how was Your weekend?”

        Once you get the one-off comment that brings your wedding into a totally unrelated discussion, either go back to said discussion, or change the topic, or walk away (“yup!I’ll have to keep that in mind!”)
        Don’t engage on the wedding topic. Yes, it would drive me nuts too. And yes, they are trying to connect with you the only way they seem to know how.

    • Anon

      I found that if I talk about other things happening in my life, hobbies, etc, that these big events aren’t the only thing that people relate to you. But that said, engagement is a pretty big one, and the deluge of “lets see the ring” to ” have you booked a date” transitioning to “have you found a dress” may get annoying!

      It is totally annoying though! feel free to rant as much as you want here :)

    • Midori

      Ugh. Hate this. Sounds like you can look forward to “Are you sure you’re not pregnant” every time you look tired AFTER the wedding. (Might be some personal projecting here.)

      • Meg March

        Oh, I am certain that that will start approximately the day I return from my honeymoon. Not looking forward to that either.

  21. Anonymous

    There’s been a ton of comments on this board regarding sleeves on dresses. Is the desire for sleeves because those wanting them are always cold, or because sleeves (even short sleeves) are seen as more formal, or…? I live in a very hot climate and I run warm, so I’ve always worn sleeveless dresses/tops. But so much talk about wanting sleeves makes me wonder if I’m missing something. I tried on a number of short sleeve dresses for spring and summer that have been suggested, like Land’s End’s ponte numbers, and I feel so frumpy. Is there a magic sleeve length I should be looking for?

    • also

      Sleeves hide armpits, which require maintenance and are not always appropriate to expose in formal offices.

      Many do not feels comfortable exposing their upper arms. Especially with aging.

      Sleeved dresses have more potential for wear over more seasons.

      Sleeves prevent sweat or deodorant from getting on Blazers/sweaters.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s because a lot of people on this s!te feel that sleeveless is NEVER appropriate for the workplace (which I disagree with, but ymmv).

    • Anonymous

      It varies, but sleeveless items are generally inappropriate for the workplace, even with a business causal dress code.

      • cbackson

        Mm, I think that it’s an overstatement to say that sleeveless is “generally inappropriate” for the workplace. There are many workplaces where it’s inappropriate, but many where it’s fine. I’ve spent my entire career in biglaw, for example, and sleeveless was okay, weather permitting, at every firm I’ve worked at (and in every city).

    • Opal

      Personally, I can’t be sleeveless in the office (too informal and it’s also very cold), so nearly every outfit I wear requires a cardigan. Cardigans are great, but not 5x’s per week – they get frumpy, too. Also, if I am in a suit (dress + jacket), I can’t remove my jacket at lunch as the men do because, again, I don’t want to be sleeveless.

    • Mrs. Jones

      On me, sleeveless dresses/tops often gap and show half my bra. Also, sleeves cover armpits which one may or may not shave regularly.

    • Sleeveless OP

      I appreciate the feedback on why to wear sleeves, does anyone have suggests for what to try (sleeve lengths, or specific dresses/brands) that would doesn’t looks super frumpy/unattractive? Are ladies wearing cap sleeves, elbow length…?

      • Anonymous

        All of the above. I don’t think sleeves look frumpy unless they are poorly fitted. Land’s End is an older woman’s brand and their clothing can run frumpy – it may not be the sleeve. You can try sizing down a size or two, since their fits are quite generous and that can add to the frump. I would look elsewhere if your concern is about looking frumpy, though – Banana, J Crew, Ann Taylor, etc will all be less frumpy than brands like Land’s End and Talbots.

      • also

        Sleeve length is important. I look very frumpy with long sleeves, and need 3/4 sleeves. I finally figured out it is because I am a skinny pear, short-waisted. The 3/4 sleeve balances out my high waist. Long sleeves visually look better when a waist is very defined.

        Also, tops need to fit well at the shoulder/arm hole to prevent frump. The sleeves will look worse if that drape from the shoulder is off. So if you are looking frumpy, re-evaluate if you are buying the right size. For example, because I am a pear, no dress fits well except some A-line, or fit and flare (which I dislike). It’s because I need a size 2 on top and size 6 on the bottom. So almost every dress needs to be tailored on top or I look frumpy. Or I need to wear separates to get the sizes correct. Even more… I look best with a petite top in some brands, to get the shoulders right.

        Honestly, I hate shopping. Trying to find clothes that fit, are not frumpy and are affordable is hard. Especially if I don’t want to spend a small fortune on tailoring. Add in the variable of weight fluctuations even within one week that can change my pants from a 4 to a 6 and back complicates everything.

        • also

          And if long sleeves are too long (find that location for you – mine is just above wrist bone), that is frumpy. And sleeves that skim, slightly taper, then slightly widen ar the wrist are most flattering for me.

          Sleeves are … Hard. And are pricey to alter.

    • Lucie

      Because with sleeveless dresses my armpits show and I also sweat a lot when I’m nervous / don’t always have well-groomed underarms so I try to avoid having that area uncovered :) I know I could go with sleeveless dress + cardigan but the two different fabrics rubbing together + edge of the sleeveless dress just makes me feel grosser :-(

    • Finance

      A lot of firms in the finance industry have dress codes that prohibit sleeveless tops/dresses for women (and for men, by extension). If I wear a sleeveless top, I can’t remove the jacket/sweater if I’m hot. It’s a pain, along with wearing panty hose, similarly required.

    • Anonymous

      Our business formal dress code specifically prohibits sleeveless dresses or shirts so while I do have sleeveless things, I’d prefer a dress that I can take a jacket off if necessary. I find elbow length sleeves looks very nice – cap can be ok but a t-shirt length sleeve is a bit frumpy and can cut up the arms, not ending up being very flattering.

    • Bluestocking

      I live in a cold climate so I want sleeves for warmth during the winter, the spring and the fall, and cooler summer days and evenings, and also for warmth when the air conditioning is running in the summer. I also want sleeves because it’s easier to keep jackets clean if dresses and tops have sleeves. If I lived in a warmer year-round climate, didn’t have to deal with crazy air conditioning and didn’t wear jackets, I would be less concerned about finding dresses with sleeves.

      Also, if there were a good mix of sleeveless dresses and dresses with sleeves, I’d probably say less about it. But it seems like the vast majority of dresses are sleeveless, which is annoying. It’s a style that needs to be sold because people like and need it, but it shouldn’t be practically the ONLY style sold.

      • Anon

        Agree on the limited options for buying sleeved dresses.

        Manufacturers aren’t offering sleeveless 90% of the time because they think it’s more appropriate and fashionable. It’s because it’s cheaper. And the finished garment will fit mor shoppers than a sleeves version. Sleeves and shoulders are notoriously hard to fit. Next time you wonder why all wedding gowns are strapless, this is why.

    • Dahlia

      In my business formal environment sleeveless isn’t appropriate. Occasionally I’ll see an intern try it and it just looks so awkward- a room full of formal suits and then her with bare arms and legs (and often a too-short and too-tight dress to boot). If I wear a sleeveless sheath I don’t take off my blazer, so having sleeves gives me the option to take off my blazer, which is key on hot days! I usually go for elbow length sleeves because I think they look much better on me, and more formal, than short sleeves.

  22. Anonymous

    Has anyone replaced/upgraded their engagement rings after a few years? Currently I wear only my wedding band (did not like my e-ring, did not tell him), so would it be strange if I suddenly started wearing a totally new combination set after wearing only the band for so long? Or is this one of those ‘why are you even asking, just do what you want, nobody will care’ type of questions?

    • cbackson

      The latter. The overwhelming majority of people in your life are not aware of what you’re doing in terms of finger jewelry and will not notice a change.

    • anon

      Do what you want, nobody will care. Some people are really sentimental about their original set, some people are thrilled to upgrade/redesign/whatever at a milestone anniversary or just for a change. People might notice that you got something sparkly and compliment to new ring. You aren’t compelled to tell them that you hated your old ring or give an explanation.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think anyone other than your husband would notice/care and if they do, who cares. But I don’t think you should do this unless he knows and is ok with it.

      • OP

        I agree – my husband has brought up the idea of a new set – so I am good there.

    • ITDS

      I did at 10 years. I kept the main stone from the ring DH gave me and got it a blingier setting. I told anyone who commented that it was an “anniversary upgrade” and no-one seemed to think it was weird. I think people have done this for a long time. I have run across quite a few folks who are celebrating a 40th or 50th anniversary and are wearing a ring they never could have afforded when they married at 22.

    • Anon

      I changed it up at 10 years. My original ring is vintage platinum with inset diamonds, the middle stone being the largest, flanked by successively smaller stones.

      There was no separate wedding band so I wore this single ring as my engagement and wedding ring

      At around 10 years I decided wider rings looked better on my fingers so I had a “guard made” which looks like a thin band of small channel set diamonds on either side of my ring. Since it was custom made it follows the contours of my original ring perfectly.

      I wore it together with my ring just about daily for 5 years, then over the last year i almost never wear it. I couldn’t say why. I guess it started to feel uncomfortable.

      In all that time no one has asked me about it. Not one person.

      You do you.

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