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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 245 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Summer Sandal: Sam Edelman YardleySomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy weekend, ladies! Maybe it's the knee surgery in me talking, but I can't wait to wear fun sandals like this again — in fact, all of the boho summer stuff is really speaking to me this summer. I'd wear the pictured sandals with a swingy dress, or even one of the split maxi dresses that are hot right now (this one is fun and comes in a zillion colors, or this one is only $32 and looks like a great basic). The sandals are $120 and have 5 stars at Zappos. Sam Edelman Yardley (L-4)

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Comments

  1. chumba

    I knew someone who wore the light blue Maxi dress pictured to a wedding. At the reception, it looked like she was wearing a white wedding dress, yikes.

    Otherwise love it!

  2. Best tips for moving

    Happy Friday! What are your best tips for moving cross-country? I’m looking for the little tips like “use packing peanuts instead of bubble wrap” or “use x technique to label all your boxes.” We’re getting rid of most of our big furniture, but will have boxes of books, albums, dishes, crystal, some antiques, paintings, etc. Any advice on ways to make this process easier would be much appreciated!

    • Coach Laura

      Don’t have tips but will potentially have two recent graduate children moving cross-country in July, so bookmarking for tips.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t use packing peanuts. They’ll end up everywhere and static cling to your stuff! Towels and sheets work great for padding a box with fragile items.

      Don’t bother with the tape that is color coded and has a specific room printed on it–movers just ignore it because people reuse boxes or tape without thinking about it.

      Write the room of the box on the top and at least two sides. You don’t want them all stacked up and to have to try to swivel the tetris pile to figure out where one goes, because it’s only written on the corner that is hidden.

      Use small boxes for the books, and don’t use old boxes or lidded boxes for them. Books are insanely heavy and you want boxes that are in the best shape possible and without lids that will pull off.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Or do a row of books at the bottom and clothes on top. Harder for organizing but easier to carry.

      • lost academic

        Cornstarch peanuts don’t have the static problem, and are much more environmentally friendly.

      • Meow

        A good place to get book boxes is a liquor store. They always have tons of boxes you can take, and they’re the perfect size for books.

      • profmama

        Keep a number list of all your boxes:
        1. Books (living room)
        2. Books (bedroom)
        3. Bathroom

        etc….
        When I moved cross country, a couple boxes got lost, and the only way I knew is from my list.

      • Marie

        I use recycled styrofoam from packing materials. It works fine.

        Whatever happened to Ellen? I don’t see her posting. Has she a man in her life now?

    • Cat

      Whoops, my reply ended up below. Trying again.

      A few things that made life easier for our local move, but that would definitely apply cross-country:

      – Number your boxes and have a list somewhere that says what is in each box (e.g., cookbooks & aprons, bedroom dresser decor…)
      – Pack one box of “need this immediately” stuff so you don’t have to make a Target run on move-in day — things like bath towels, soap/shampoo, a shower curtain & rod if applicable, bedsheets…
      – To pack hanging clothes, put them in garbage bags on their hangers (to be able to re-use the bags later, choose a kind that has built-in ties so that you can tie the ties around the hanger hooks) and then number the bags “in order” in your closet — makes storing clothes at your new place a snap.

    • Anonymous

      Specific tips for driving with cats (which I did seven years ago):
      – Just like when taking your cat to the vet for surgery, I would take away food and water at bedtime so they’d use the box overnight. Then we’d drive for 8-10 hours, stop, and have food and water until bedtime again. It reduced their stress in the car and also the smell factor.
      – I discovered that by keeping the car quite warm, the cats would find a place in the car to curl up and fall asleep until we stopped for gas.

    • TBK

      Last time we did this, I cataloged every box and it was hugely helpful. Each box had a letter and number. The letter was the room (e.g., L, K, MB for living room, kitchen, master bedroom) plus a number. I had a spreadsheet that listed the contents of each box. So K3 might be large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cups, dish towels. I just had the laptop out while we were packing and every time we sealed a box, we noted what we’d put in it. It made it really easy to unpack because when we needed something we could just refer to the spreadsheet to figure out which box it was in.

      • Sharon

        I just moved this week and I recommend noting the contents of the box _before_ sealing – DH and I forgot what we packed as soon as we sealed up the box!

    • tesyaa

      Number every box and keep a list of each number with contents and destination. I did this and we had over 175 boxes. As the movers brought each box in, they called out the number and I told them which room.

      • NYtoCO

        Yes, and at the very least, when you are COMPLETELY done with packing write box #/total on every box. I also typed out a little label (name, destination address, phone number) and taped it on every single box.

        Consider shipping a few boxes of the stuff you will need immediately (a few pots/pans, towels, etc) and go ahead and accept that you’ll be using a lot of disposable plates/utensils, and eating a lot of takeout, at first. It will make your life wayyy more enjoyable.

    • Zelda

      If you’re not using a moving company, Greyhound shipping, UPS/Fedex Ground and parcel post (for books) can all be cost effective ways of shipping. I used all of the above to ship boxes of (mostly) clothes and books the last time I moved cross country.

      Smaller boxes for heavy items, larger boxes for clothing/textiles.

      When purchasing boxes, you get what you pay for. UPS boxes were more expensive but much sturdier than the ones from Home Depot. Home Depot is fine for one move, but don’t use them for your heavy and/or breakable items.

      When deciding what to keep and what to purge, it’s helpful to think in numbers. I.e. Is this worth me paying $60 (or whatever) to ship cross country? That mindset has definitely helped me in past moves.

      • Meow

        So the greyhound thing is a great idea, but in the same vein but more secure would be Amtrak’s shipping. With Greyhound random passengers have access to the boxes and i’ve seen a lot of bad reviews saying things were stolen, boxes opened, etc. Amtrak is the same idea (use extra cargo space to ship stuff at a cheap rate). So cheap, and you just pick it up after like a week at the train station you shipped to.

    • anon

      How are you moving this? Renting a truck? A pod? Hiring movers? I’ve used professional packers for several long distance moves and have been really happy. It’s an added cost, but I don’t remember it being prohibitive. The secret though is to make sure everything is really organized because they pack by room so if your shoes are in the living room, they go in that box. Actually, that’s a good tip for any packing. That way you don’t spend as much time sorting/moving your stuff back to its proper place.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve done 2 cross-country moves in the last 18 months, and the thing that made my life easiest (apart from hiring movers to pack and move, thanks to a corporate relocation), was buying the wardrobe boxes for my clothes. It’s SO much easier to just take the clothes out of the closet, hang them in the, and then put them directly in the closet in your new place. You don’t have to deal with folding everything and transporting hangers, and it’s nice that when you arrive, your clothes are ready to wear. The boxes can seem kinda expensive but they hold an amazing amount, and you can pack the bottoms with shoes, etc. to better use the space. I highly recommend them!

      • Maddie Ross

        And FYI – you can totally sell the wardrobe boxes on Craigslist or the like once you finish unpacking and recoup nearly all your money. They are gold!

    • lost academic

      You cannot possibly be explicit enough with what you write on the box! I try and make a veritable laundry list when I seal it up, often writing as I go. It really helps when you aren’t in a rush to unpack the last ~25% of boxes, but you really need to find specific Y items that haven’t shown up yet.

      We managed to give away nearly all of our boxes after we moved and it really beat trying to get them recycled! Also it meant that people took all the peanuts and fragile wrap and paper and everything and were delighted to cart it off for us. Disposing, even recycling, all that packing material is pretty laborious and reusing makes a lot more sense!

      You will inevitably pack things you should have gotten rid of BEFORE you moved. This was true for us of 50% of the bathroom stuff. We simply lacked the TIME to sort it in that space, and so when the movers came (we used people to pack for us) we just had them take it all. I have had to set aside the time to discard a lot of it now, though – but am glad I’m doing so. Is that kind of wasteful? Yes. But I had to do it.

      We moved the bulk of our house months after I moved myself in the car. I packed up several suitcases of clothes to ground-ship to the new location so that they didn’t take up valuable car space. The shipping was very cheap and it saved a lot of stress when I needed work clothes before I’d have been able to deal with the packed stuff. (And then it was literally 5 months before the rest of the house arrived, so I was glad I’d shipped a lot!)

    • Beth

      If you are using a u-haul or similar, I measured out the space on my living room floor and “pre-packed” before picking up the truck. It gave a general idea of what could be stacked in/on what and the best way to arrange things, making actually packing the thing very quick. Also, for heavy things (i.e., books), legal file boxes are amazing because they are strong cardboard with handles.

    • Shopping challenged

      TIME
      Start on this way earlier than you think you need too, so you can de putter as you go. Don’t pack anything that will not make you smile when you see it again, and be especially ruthless when weeding out things that you can replace for less than the cost of moving. You will have a new home in new surroundings, so will likely want to make adjustments in your household inventory to match.

      • Shopping challenged

        I saw that “de putter” as the comment posted, wish we could still make corrections within a few minutes of posts going up!

        Of course I meant declutter.

    • Io

      This is advice for the other end: before unpacking measure everything. Walls, windowsills, counters etc. It’s much easier to do this once, with no furniture in the way. Make a master document about your new place. Good luck!

    • JP

      If you box all the books together, you can mail them through USPS. Books qualify as “media mail,” a category of mail that is much less expensive to ship than a comparable package of non-media items.

  3. Maudie Atkinson

    For the life of me, I do not understand this maxi dress trend, with the full length sheer overlay and the shorter lining. It just looks to me like the wearer bought a too short slip. But it’s been so ubiquitous the last few seasons that clearly I’m the unfashionable one.

    • WTF

      Agree. Kelly Osbourne is always complaining about this trend on fashion police.

        • Anonymous

          What’s offensive about it (except to the manufacturer of that dress)? It looks like the lower half of the dress is just there to prevent mosquito bites.

          • Meg March

            Not the anon, and I wouldn’t have called it out for being offensive, but I can see how it comes across as cavalier about a very serious disease– almost 500k people died from malaria last year.

          • applesandoranges

            I see where you’re coming from but don’t really like the implications of this argument. I mean, would it be ok to make fun of malaria is only 50k people died from it last year? It’s either all fair game or none of it is.

          • LAnon

            Also not the OP, but if you swap in various other diseases, you can see how it’s cringe-worthy. Like calling a head-wrap “cancer-chic”. I can’t think of any other deadly disease to which I would append “chic” in describing clothing.

  4. Banana Pants

    Has anyone had an issue with Banana Republic’s lightweight wool suit pants stretching out over time? They are 95% wool and 5% spandex so after a few wears they are enough stretched out that they look kind of frumpy. Has anyone had this issue and found a way to get them back to their original size/shape? Dry cleaning doesn’t seem to do it.

    • KittyKat

      Hand wash in tepid water with a mild soap (not a detergent). Typical I use Dr bronners unscented. Then lay flat or hang by the ankles.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I’ve done the same with BR and J.Crew suiting and used Dr. Bronner’s, The Laundress, or just shampoo and it works great. Cool water, swish gently, blot, and hang.

  5. Anonymous

    DH’s birthday is next month. He told me yesterday that he wants an AR-15 (giant scary-looking assault rifle) for his birthday. He already owns a pistol and has his concealed carry permit, so the argument that he needs the AR-15 for home protection fails. His only response when I ask “WHY?!?” is “Because I want one.” He also mentioned how it would be fun to shoot at the local gun range, and something about wanting to go on a hunting trip (which would be a first for him) and needing the rifle for the hunting trip. He’s a responsible gun owner, but I hate the idea of having an AR-15 in the house

    • Anonymous

      UGH, OP here. This posted before I could finish. So the question is: is this something that I should just get over if he’s responsible about it? Am I overreacting? Other thoughts.

      • sweetknee

        I don’t really see the difference in having one gun in the house and having two or three or five, as long as they are properly secured, stored, and cared for and the owner knows how to properly use them. My husband has an AR-15 too, just because he wanted one. He likes to go to the gun range occasionally and shoot there. I have joined him on several occasions. I am the daughter of a police officer, and have a healthy respect, but not fear, of guns. I own one, and have a concealed carry permit, though I rarely carry.

        Why is it you hate the idea ? Is it guns in general, or this gun? If so, why this gun?

        • OP

          Thanks for your thoughts. It’s hard for me to put my finger on why I hate the idea of the AR-15. I do not hate the pistol that is in the house, so it’s not that I hate the idea of guns in general. I went to the range with DH last month and shot the pistol. It was not the most fun that I’ve ever had, but I can see how people would enjoy shooting.

          I did ask him if he would be open to the idea of another rifle other than an AR-15, and he said that he would think about it.

          • anon

            My guess is because they look “scary” and have gotten this reputation for being an “assault” (looking) weapon. Assault weapons are fully auto, this is semi-auto. The mechanics and the firepower though are the same as other sporting/hunting rifles is my understanding. So maybe have him walk through that with you.

          • Meow

            Isn’t the scary thing about AR-15’s is that they become fully automatic weapons by just filing down the little trigger guard?

        • Anonymous

          +1 that you don’t need to get this for him, even if he wants one, if you’re uncomfortable with it. I’m not anti-gun, but the proliferation of them isn’t something I want to contribute to, and I’d rather not have one in my house at all because we have small kids. I “let” my husband buy himself a pistol as a graduation gift to himself, but there’s no way I’d have bought it for him. (It stays unloaded and locked in the gun safe in his office unless he’s taking it to the range.) He wants an AR-15 too, just because he” wants to get one before they become illegal to buy in [our state] with all the new gun control hype.” I expressed my disapproval both of the idea and the motive and he hasn’t brought it up again. Honestly, a pistol can kill someone just as well as any kind of auto or semi-auto rifle, so I recognize it’s a distinction without a difference, but why own it?

          All that said, it’s a hobby. I’ve shot lots of pistols and rifles (dad is a gun enthusiast and lives out in the country, so no need to go to a range), and it’s fun. I don’t feel the need to own my own weapons because I live in a dense suburban area and I’m not going to prioritize going to the range to shoot… but as long as he’s educated and responsible, this isn’t a battle I’d put too much energy into fighting.

      • Anonymous

        I’m really liberal. My husband is a libertarian. He loves guns, I don’t. Out of respect for each other, he treats guns like a hobby (spending a reasonable amount of time and money on the hobby like he would golf or fishing), instead of a political statement and I have learned to see them as byproducts of a hobby. He keeps his guns locked in a gun safe when they’re at home and does all of the responsible gun owner stuff like keeping the ammo locked up separately. I’m learning to ask “why?!” like I would if he wanted to get a second set of golf clubs rather than like he’s asking for permission to buy a volatile death machine.

        • Trish

          Ha! This is my marriage. My libertarian husband now has me convinced that we might need a gun in case the police come banging our door in because they are serving a warrant on the wrong address.

      • SoCalAtty

        You’re overreacting. Functionally, it is no different than the other firearms – one trigger pull, one bullet comes out.

        Why do you think an AR-15 is “scary?” That’s not an “assault rifle” – assault rifles are full auto and HIGHLY restricted – impossible to get, in some states. “AR” stands for “Armalite Rifle” – the brand that started the style of the stock, the grip, and the ability to easily interchange parts with other rifles built on the AR platform. This of it like brands in any other sport…with cycling you might have a Cannondale, a Specialized, a Felt…but they all make “road bikes” and most parts are interchangeable. That’s what “AR-15” is – Sig Sauer, Smith and Wesson…both brands and they make an “AR.” Hopefully that makes sense / helps.

        As far as kids in the house – that statistic does not take into account many things. Training of the owners, how the firearms are stored…and other factors. Storing ammo separate from the firearms is not really “necessary” as long as the firearm itself is locked up when not under your control. I have a 7.5 month old and mine are stored unloaded in the safe, except for the home defense firearm, which is in a separate “quick access” lockbox. Storing them hot can degrade the springs over time, so it is a good practice from a maintenance point of view. If you always follow the firearm safety rules (always keep it pointed in a safe direction, keep your finger off the trigger until ready to shoot, keep all firearms unloaded until ready to use) you should be in good shape.

    • Anonymous

      This would make me uncomfortable too. At a minimum I think it’s 100% reasonable for you to decide that *you* don’t have to be the one to buy this for him as a gift if you’re not comfortable with it. Whether that leaves room for him to get it from someone else, or with a “fun money” allowance, and whether you’d be okay with it being stored in your house or if he could store it at the range, are separate questions.

    • WTF

      If you don’t want it in the house, ask him what else he would like. Someone else can buy it.

      They are super fun to shoot though…

    • TBK

      I don’t know why an AR would be more scary/dangerous than the pistol. Does he have a safe? If not, I might buy him a safe along with the gun. But if he’s responsible with the pistol, there’s nothing the AR does that makes it scarier than the handgun.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        One concern is that guns are often a big target for theives. The more expensive the gun, the more likely someone will want to break in and steal it when you are not home. I believe an AR is worth a lot more than a pistol. So, if I was OP I would want to be clear that there will be no pictures on facebook with the gun, no bragging in public about the cool new gift, etc. I would also want it to be locked up when not in use.

        • Anon for this

          I’m Anon for this at 2:46pm, and I feel like people who post about their ownership/collections on social media are idiots, full stop, for many reasons.

    • Anonymous

      I would absolutely 100% not be ok with an assault rifle in my home. Although I also would not want a gun of any kind in my home, because even the most responsible gun owners can have accidents. I have an acquaintance who accidentally shot his son because he thought the son was an intruder. Both my acquaintance and his son have taken lots of gun safety classes, know how to store the gun properly, etc. But even though I personally don’t want one in my own house, owning a gun for home protection is relatively common in the US. But owning an assault rifle is another level and the fact that he’s even mentioning this would be a total dealbreaker for me.

    • Anon for this

      Well, i own one (as well as a pistol) so I am biased.

      Is the “for home protection” point his or yours? Because for the vast majority of people, an AR is NOT what they should be reaching for in a home invasion, self-defense situation, so if this is an argument he is making, then he needs a bit more training and education.

      If he wants one because he wants to train with it, go to ranges, etc, then i agree with other posters that i don’t see why this should be viewed as more dangerous than any other type (which you are okay with having).

      Also FWIW, i did not grow up around any type of firearm and was very apprehensive. Then i tried them for myself. The fear of the unknown is not to be discounted. This is NOT to say that everyone should own them or everyone should like them – but maybe learn a bit about them before you say HECK NO!!

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t be okay with it. Unreasonable to expect you to buy something you are uncomfortable with. If he really wants it, I would insist on it being kept at the gun range not in the house.

      Re: home protection – this is something I’ve always viewed as a false argument. If a gun (whatever kind) is properly stored – trigger lock+ gun safe etc then it will be of no use against an intruder. If it’s not properly stored then it is much more likely to injure/kill a family member/visitor than an intruder.

      • Gun owner

        I generally agree with your second paragraph but there are some in betweens. We use a home alarm system and a locked bedroom door. The gun is in a safe in our bedroom with the ammo in a clip in the same safe. If my alarm goes off (and it has), we will wake up, get the safe open, and have the gun loaded in under 2 minutes. It is very unlikely someone could reach our bedroom in that amount of time. No kids currently.

        • Anon at 2:55

          Definitely revisit this if you have kids at some point — I posted the link above about the American Academy of Pediatrics position

          • Spirograph

            I don’t think anyone would dispute that gun safety is something to be very, very concerned about with small children. But I grew up in a house with a lot of guns stored in gun safes, and my husband has a pistol stored in a gun safe. I don’t think I ever saw one of my dad’s guns until I was an adult, but I certainly knew they were there and they were OFF LIMITS. Regardless, I have no idea where the keys to those safes were hidden. My husband has showed my 3-year-old his pistol (after cleaning it, obviously unloaded) telling him, “this is a gun. It is very, very dangerous. If you ever see a gun, do not touch it, and go find an adult right away.”

            There are safe (ha, no pun intended) ways for kids and guns to coexist in the same residence. Where things go really wrong is when you keep your piece in a fake clock in the living room or in your nightstand so you can get to it quickly when someone storms your castle, or if you concealed-carry them in your purse your your car’s glove box. (WHY?!) Gun violence and accidents are terrible things, and I am all for stricter gun control, but in the absence of it (and unfortunately I don’t see the US going that way any time soon), personal responsibility and education can do a lot.

          • Sarabeth

            I mean, you can tell a three year-old not to touch things all day long, but they will not be developmentally ready to follow those instructions consistently until they are closer to 10. Which is one reason why the recommendation is not to store ammunition in the same safe as your gun.

          • SoCalAtty

            Who recommends that? If it is in a safe, neither the 5 year old or the 10 year old has access so why does it matter?

            Firearms should either be physically on you or locked up in a safe. Following those rules means it doesn’t matter where you store the ammo. Also, for us competitive shooters, we’d need 4 safes to store the ammo!

          • Spirograph

            … Which is why the pistol is always in a safe that the 3 year old can’t access. Kiddo has been making guns out of sticks and legos forever, so obviously I’m not counting on that instruction to keep him away from it. My point was that gun safety education should be early and often, not that it takes the place of physical access controls. I wouldn’t trust a 10 year old with unrestricted access to a gun, tbh. Or a teenager. There’s no reason to store a gun outside of a safe, esp with kids around. If you are using it, it’s on your person. If you aren’t, it should be locked up. Always.

      • SoCalAtty

        That’s actually not correct. There are products out there, check out “GunVault,” that allows you to access your firearm very, very quickly. There are biometric and key pad versions. You have to practice with it but I can have mine ready in under 3 seconds. I wrote a big response that is currently in moderation, but that’s certainly faster than anyone is going to break in and make it up my stairs. Home defense is about more than just the firearm – it is a holistic mindset that includes hardening your entry points and making sure they don’t get in to begin with, or, if they do, you know about it far in advance.

    • Anonymous

      As a Canadian, the whole gun culture in the US baffles me, so…I’m with you that it’s absurd to want an assault rifle in your home.

      • Anonymous

        This +10000000

        My cousin moved from Canada to North Carolina to practice medicine. Apparently many of the people he works with at the hospital actually own handguns. It’s so baffling to me.

        In my whole life I’ve met one person that owns guns. He owns hunting rifles and he uses them only once a year for goose hunting.

      • cbackson

        FWIW, Canada’s per capita gun ownership is the 12th highest in the world. Significantly less than the US, but gun ownership is not really some freakishly rare thing in Canada.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not the gun ownership itself that baffles me, it’s the gun attitude and culture that baffles me in the US, particularly the normalization of having guns in the home, which is certainly not common in Canada.

          And yes, I know we have guns here, but it is a very different attitude and culture towards them, and very few people buy assault rifles here, hunting and target practice are probably the most common.

          • KittyKat

            Assault rifles ( IE/ automatic) are actually illegal here. The license for them was discontinued in the 90s or early 2000s, so unless someone is grandfathered in they can’t have one.

          • Glad it is Friday

            FWIW, the only person who has ever truly insulted me was a Canadian gun-lover, who said I was an uneducated boob, basically, and that I had just been indoctrinated by the East-Coast-US liberal agenda, and that I should get over my “fear” of guns because it was ignorant. This was simply because I stated I would never allow a gun in my house (if DH wants one, he is more than welcome to buy one and store it elsewhere). So I’m not sure all Canadians are in the same boat on this issue.

          • SuziStockbroker

            Not all, of course, but the VAST majority of Canadians are indeed dumbfounded by the gun culture in the US.

          • Cdn Anon

            It’s considered automatic in Canada if it’s designed/manufactured to discharge multiple projectiles with one press of the trigger even if it’s been modified to discharge only one projectile per press. Not sure how that fits with the semi automatic vs fully automatic labels I see used in USA.

          • Guns

            Realize that this is a very divisive issue in the US. There are a huge number of people that don’t own guns and would be pleased if our laws where much stricter. In many (most?) areas of the US, they are not visible, and almost never discussed.

            I am 45 and in all my circles, living in Boston, Chicago, New York, San Francisco … I have never known a person who had a gun. Never.

          • SoCalAtty

            That you’re aware of, anyway. I know lots of people that are totally unaware of my hobby and I’d never discuss it with them.

    • Anonymous

      If his reasoning is that he wants to use it at the gun range, I think that’s understandable. It’s expensive to rent a gun to use at the range, and the range’s guns aren’t always maintained in the best condition. If going to the range is a regular hobby, it’s cheaper, easier, and more enjoyable in the long run to actually own the gun you’re using. Plus, if it’s only used at the range, then it doesn’t need to be in the house. A lot of ranges will rent out lockers so owners can keep their guns at the range. This reduces the risk of theft from your home or the car and, obviously, gets the gun out of the house. If he doesn’t want to pay for a locker, then he needs to get a gun safe (if he doesn’t have one already) and store the gun, in its case, inside the safe at all times that it is not going to or from the range.

      The argument about using it for hunting confuses me. It’s been a long time since I went hunting, and my experience is limited to waterfowl, but I’ve never heard of someone using an assault rifle to hunt. Is he hunting bears or something?

      And no an assault rifle is never, ever for home protection. Unless you’re living in a zombie apocalypse. As I mentioned above, the gun must remain in the safe when it is not actively in use, which does you little good in the event of a home invasion.

    • lucy stone

      I grew up in a home that was pretty nonchalant about guns and my husband is a hunter. We have two guns, and will probably get a third because I want to take up shooting sporting clays and my husband doesn’t want to share his shotgun with me. My husband is not a fan of AR-15s and thinks they serve no practical purpose other than to have a cool expensive toy to show off. Our guns are fairly utilitarian and live in an ugly locked cabinet when we aren’t shooting them. If he wanted an AR-15 we would have a loooong talk about why just like we would if he wanted to upgrade his Japanese sedan to a Lamborghini or some other impractical for the midwest vehicle.

      • Anonymous

        this may have been said already–i didn’t read all the responses– but my husband and I both have guns (his for fun, mine are inherited) and we keep them ALL at the gun club. They are fun to shoot. But we have kids.

    • SoCalAtty

      I think you are overreacting, and I hope I can give you some additional information that will be helpful. Obviously, if YOU don’t want to get it for him, don’t. That goes without saying. But there is more to it than that. First, an “AR-15” is not, necessarily, an “assault rifle.” “AR” stands for “Armalite Rifle.” It’s the brand / company that came up with the platform. AR-15 is now the term for the “platform” – the configuration of grip, stock, parts, etc that makeup the rifle. Think of it this way – Felt, Cannondale, and Specialized all make “road bikes.” Parts are frequently interchangeable, and many companies make them. “AR-15” is like “road bike” – and companies like Sig Sauer / Smith and Wesson make them. They are not assault weapons in the traditional sense of the word, which means “fully automatic” (hold down trigger to continue shooting). They are all just the same as your pistol – 1 trigger pull, 1 bullet exits the barrel. And (the legal ones, at least) they can’t be modified to become fully automatic.

      OP, you said you’d prefer “another rifle” – what would that be? An AK-47? The ergonomics are different and it isn’t (in my opinion) as fun to shoot. Bolt action? AR-10? These are all just flavors of “rifles” – they all (except the bolt action) function essentially the same way as your semi-automatic handgun.

      Now, some states (hello, California) have stupid rules on what makes an “assault rifle” an assault rifle – say things like “the addition of a bayonet to an otherwise totally legal AR makes it an “assault rifle” – because there are SO many bayonet killings here (that’s sarcasm). But these things that create an “assault rifle” do not alter its functionality – only it’s “look” – these things are accessories that don’t make the gun more dangerous. In fact, in order to get my shotgun to properly fit me, I’d have to create an illegal “assault weapon!” (I need a collapsible stock so husband can shoot it too – obviously, I won’t be doing that since it isn’t legal in my state).

      To own a true “assault rifle” – that is, a fully automatic rifle – you’ve got to get approval from the ATF, create a “gun trust” that is ok’d by the fed, and then go find one – and they stopped making / importing them in 1986, so a working full auto firearm is going to run you at least $20,000. So that’s probably not what we’re talking about here.

      Could it be for home protection? You bet. No reason why not. In fact, in some cases a long gun is better than a pistol for home defense, for a lot of reasons. But that is a training issue. As far as safety, as long as firearms are locked up when not under your control, that’s fine. No need to store the ammo separately. For home defense, they make very nice quick access vaults that you can mount about anywhere.

      Anon at @2:52 is totally wrong about this. I can access my gun vault and be ready to shoot in under 3 seconds. Much faster than anyone can make it up my stairs. And it comes in both a key pad and a biometric version. Very secure. I really take issue with the AAP’s recommendation, because that “study” fails to account for a lot of things – the level of training, the method of storage, etc. The number of children involved in firearm accidents is already less than 130 per year (see the CDC) so if you put that together with the fact that there are over 300 million firearms in homes, probably a lot with kids, that “recommendation” kind of falls flat. Thousands more minors are killed in pools and car accidents every year – far, far more than firearm accidents. (I’m specifying “accidents,” here – I’m excluding intentional crime because that’s a totally different ball game)

      “Volatile death machine” – not really. Guns don’t just “go off” absent some crazy manufacturing defect, which is almost unheard of. All that “guns blowing up” and “ammo blowing up” is Hollywood stuff, not reality. As long as the rules of gun safety are followed (always keep it pointed in a safe direction, keep your finger off the trigger until ready to shoot, keep unloaded until ready to use), it’s fine. If you are using it for self defense, you’d better be trained for that, too. You should never be shooting for self defense, even if it is an intruder, without positively identifying the target. That’s a training issue.

      Posting on social media. Well, I’m a firearms instructor as well as an attorney, so I’m inevitably tagged in training course social media posts and pictures. I’m ok with that – and posting about your chosen hobby on social media shouldn’t be forbidden. Post a detailed list of what you have and where? No, but that goes for jewelry and anything else expensive, too.

      Target for thieves? Maybe. If they are stored properly, they would be secured from a break-in. A big rifle safe is HEAVY – 800 lbs, empty? Not many thieves are prepared to move out something over 1000 lbs.

      Hunting with an AR? Depends on the game. An AR-15 is typically chambered in .556 – too small to hunt deer, which needs to be with a minimum of .308. You could hunt pigs, or get an AR-10 (.308) for bigger game. I’ve never actually been hunting, but I’d probably use an AR because they are lighter, easier to carry over varied terrain.

      So that was a super long post, but hopefully I put some new information out there for some of you.

      • CountC

        Thank you for posting this! I knew some of it, but you educated me even further. I appreciate it.

      • Anonymama

        Do you have a link to those numbers? I couldn’t find CDC data, but other sources list around 100-130 accidental gun deaths of children (and 3,000 non fatal accidents) annually. Also I’d like to note that the number of guns is vastly vastly higher than the number of households with guns, as ownership trends have been going towards fewer people with guns, but the people who do have guns owning many more than one.

        • SoCalAtty

          I sure do – it is in the CDC table for death causes for 2013, which is the last year published as of right now. I’ll post the link in a reply because of moderation. You have to back out intentional deaths -but it comes to that 100-130 number.

          And you are right about number of guns not being the same as number of households with guns. That number looks to be about 32% of households (I’ll post that link, too) which appears to be on the decline from the 2010 numbers. But 32% of households is still a big number – around 39 million – and to have 130 or less accidents is pretty good (I also recognize not all of those households have children). It can always be better, though – if it were up to me I’d include firearm safety in with our high school health class, right next to driver’s and s x ed and whatever they are teaching about substance abuse these days.

          Compare the numbers to just pools – 22.93 million households say the live with a spa or pool – and the last time I looked the fatalities for children related to pools was over 3000? I think that’s statistically significant, because it at least appears that we have more households with guns than pools, and much larger number of children being killed in water-related accidents than with guns. (Again, accidents, because crime is a different apple cart).

          I understand that the function of pools versus the function of firearms is different, but it is an interesting comparison at least.

  6. Murphy Beds?

    Has anyone here ever had a Murphy Bed? The NYT has an article on living in tiny places, and I was wondering how much they cost, and whether they need to be anchored to the wall somehow (so no great for renters). Anybody know? I’m intrigued!

    • Anonymous

      We have one for our guest bedroom. Prices vary (you can buy them at Wal-Mart or custom design one via various websites), but they generally start at $800 and can go up to $3k depending on how fancy you get. They also vary on whether they have to be anchored to the wall vs. floor – so shop around if you can’t find one that fits your needs. I know that some of the bed manufacturers cater to renters, so I’m sure you can find a company that makes what you need.

    • Susie

      My parents have one in their spare bedroom. Not sure how much it cost, but theirs is anchored to the wall (house is not rented). They find it comfortable. You do need to get a special Murphy-type mattress for it, but I believe most frames will come with it.

    • Senior Attorney

      I saw a really cool one over the weekend that was in a chest-type piece of furniture, rather than anchored to the wall. So they’re out there.

  7. Dating Advice?

    Can anyone share their story or advice on dating while working a demanding, unpredictable job (biglaw or otherwise)? I’m a junior biglaw associate and it seems impossible to find the time to meet people or date. I feel like I’m behind on major life goals (getting married, having kids, etc.) in large part because I have so little free time outside of work. Did anyone meet their significant other while working a demanding job? How did you meet them? Thanks for any stories or advice!

    • Anonymous

      I have such a distinct recollection of this feeling, especially because many people in my BigLaw class were married or engaged to their college SOs. I met my boyfriend of three years as a 2nd year in BigLaw. I hated dating and definitely didn’t want to date a lawyer, so I sucked it up and met men on a dating site. (I used OKC, no idea what’s popular now and where you are.)

      When meeting guys for the first time, I would often schedule dates and ask if it was okay if we put them in pencil, subject to confirmation the day of the date or the day before. I figured if that was a dealbreaker then, it would only get harder as we got more serious. Counterintuitively, I found it helps to date guys who also have demanding professional careers, because they understand that sometimes shit happens. My boyfriend is a software developer and he occasionally has to pull a late night unexpectedly, so he knew I wasn’t blowing him off in the early stages when I had to cancel because some partner was losing his mind and needed me to work that evening.

    • Anon

      This sounds worse than it was, I would go on dates at about 7pm after the people with kids left for dinner. I would return to the office around 10:30 or 11 after my dates if I still had work to do. I kept my make-up and date clothes at work so I could change and get to dinner without stopping at home.

      When I found a serious boyfriend, I set up a one night per week date night per someone’s advice here. We see each other that night and I am “free” to work as late as I need every other night. He is very independent and needs his space so it works for us.

    • Duckles

      I think there are two ways to look at it.. I have one friend who went on 3-4 dates a week to meet someone with the timing mentioned above. I went on a few but honestly I stopped dating for a while after the third app-date-guy in a row told me he “felt sorry for me” when I was meeting him for a drink at 8:30 straight from work. I ultimately need to be with someone who gets my schedule and that I’ll have to cancel occasionally (all my friends are lawyers or doctors) so there’s no reason to not be upfront about that and the guys who get it are the ones who are viable candidates anyway.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I did! I met my husband while working 60-70 hour weeks with an hour commute each way.

      We met online. At the advice of commenters here, I treated it a bit like a job and lined up multiple dates a week. I was open to meeting anyone who met my very loose criteria and seemed remotely interesting and not creepy. First dates were almost always for coffee, or something quick near-ish my office. I’d leave the office for an hour or so then go back to work. My husband is the only one who made it to a second date. He got really used to me needing to get back to work as we started dating. We went for a walk in Central Park one evening then he walked me back to my office. After seeing a movie he dropped me back at my office in a cab.

      I consider myself lucky that we met while I was so busy because he could see what he was getting into. I’m not always working that much but he doesn’t feel like I’m abandoning him when I have to. He gets it.

    • Anonymous

      I did the online dating thing when I started in biglaw. It was definitely frustrating at times. I think the hardest thing was the fact that I had to choose between making friends in my new location and making time to date. I wasn’t always good at balancing those two things.

      I went on 3-4 dates a week. First dates were almost always brunch dates on the weekend because that’s the time of the week I’m least likely to have to cancel. I would try to work it into conversation on or before the first date that my work schedule can be unpredictable, especially during the week. As long as you act interested when you’re able to be around them and you keep in touch when you’re not around them, ime, most guys will be understanding of your schedule. And if they’re not, eff ’em.

      I’m engaged now to a guy I met through friends. It’s another reason I kind of regret not spending more time focusing on building friendships instead of online dating – I think my fiance and I might’ve ended up together a lot sooner if I had been more available!

    • Norma Jean

      For us the keys are communication and flexibility. My job relatively speaking isn’t super demanding, I’m an in-house attorney, and my boyfriend is an engineer who also works a lot. He has said his ex-girlfriend didn’t understand the demands of his job and it caused issues between them.
      On top of work, he lives in the city and doesn’t have a car, while I live in the suburbs. It’s not too far distance-wise, but in average traffic conditions takes almost an hour.
      I usually spend the weekend with him, plus one day during the week. At first it was just weekends and we were saying how much we miss each other during the week and were like, really it’s not that far.
      I think when you meet the right person it’s just worth it to you to make it work. (And helpful if he understands your job too.) Even though we are both career-driven we’ve both realized the relationship is important to us and made it a priority. We still are focused on work but just learned to prioritize better, what really needs to get done versus can wait. And are okay with the other person being on phone/email while we are together.
      It’s incredible how different it is being with a guy who is not afraid to let you know he wants to be with you.
      We met on Tinder!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think my response went to moderation, so apologies if this shows up twice.

      I met my husband online (OK Cupid) about 4 years ago when I was working 60-70 hour weeks with an hour long commute each way. On the advice of commenters here, I treated it a bit like a job. I was open to meeting anyone who met a very low bar of employed, seemed potentially interesting, clearly had read my profile, and not creepy. I set up more than 1 date a week so that I didn’t put too much pressure on myself for any single one. If Tuesday’s guy didn’t work out it wasn’t a big deal because there was Thursday guy to look forward to. First dates were something quick like coffee or dessert somewhere near-ish my office. I’d leave for an hour or so then go back to work. Even met one guy during lunch.

      As it turns out, my husband was the only one to make it to a second date. He was very good about dealing with my schedule. We went for a walk in Central Park one evening then he walked me back to the office. Went to a movie one night then brought me back to work in a cab. Weekend brunch dates were common too. He credits our relationship moving quickly because his apartment was half the distance to my office as mine was, so it was way nicer to stay with him after working really long days. I basically moved in about 2 months into dating and moved in officially at the 8 month mark.

      I consider myself lucky that we met while I was so busy working. It let him see what my life can really be like. If we met during a down time at work then he wouldn’t have had an accurate picture of what my work schedule normally is. Now when I work a lot he just understands and doesn’t feel like I’m abandoning him because he knew what he was getting himself into.

    • Marion

      Look at people at work in related to but not in your business unit. After my previous ex I was not prepared to apologise for the wacky hours I work in a job I love so much. Meeting at work (but not both being lawyers) I knew now DH had to make calls at 6am for his job and he knew that my phone could go at 2am for a really good reason.

    • Anne

      I’m feeling similarly. I’m a first year midlaw, with much better hours (50ish, but flexible and largely predictable). I still need someone who understands the demands (especially given future career hopes), stress, etc. Further, I’ve been school and career focused and need to work on making friends as well as finding a significant other.

      I’ve been using bumble bff for friends. I tried meetup but with little success.

      In debating getting into online dating but just don’t know. It seems like you need a lot of luck and/or time for it to work.

  8. Help Me Get Over This - Part 2

    Hey Everyone,

    First, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented earlier this week when I posted about my breakup. Your words of wisdom and encouragement were a source of comfort and made me feel good about the way I had left with dignity. Even though it’s been so hard since he just said basically that “he loved me but something was missing” and I really thought we were on a great path for the last 5 months, I haven’t reached out to him at all since this happened last Wednesday. And then yesterday, boom. He sends me a text.

    “Hi. I realize that things were left awkwardly and wanted to see how you were doing. I also wanted to say that I genuinely enjoy your company and love spending time with you. I understand if you feel that it isn’t possible but would love to spend time with you in the future.”

    This is basically a repeat of what he said to me at the end of when he broke up with me last Wednesday. And, I know I can’t be just friends with him. And he doesn’t say in this text that he made a mistake…or anything like that. He’s basically just saying he misses my companionship….which just again hurts all over. I know it’s not healthy for me to be friends with him. I guess my question is at this point if I should actually respond at all? Would you? If I don’t, does that give him ease of mind to be able to say, “well, I tried” so now he can feel less guilty? Or, if I do respond and just simply say that won’t work for me…will that urge him to want more?

    What is my best course of action here? I’ve talked to my closest friends and there is an even split between just ignoring the text and responding back politely but stating that is not an option for me.

    Any and all advice appreciated. Thank you all so much.

    • Anonymous

      He wants to bang you without commitment. The best course of action is to ignore this text, block his telephone number, and unfriend and block him on all forms of social media.

    • TO Lawyer

      If you have decided that you don’t want to be friends with him because you can’t do it (which is a perfectly reasonable and smart decision to make IMO), I wouldn’t respond. Missing someone after a breakup is perfectly normal because you’re so used to talking to each other and being in each other’s lives but talking to him and knowing that you can’t have what you want is way worse than no contact at all.

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with responding politely, but I just don’t know if it’ll get you anywhere and I get the sense that you hope he’ll change his mind – I think that’s a dangerous road to head down. You can’t change what people want and it sounds like both of you have made the best decision for yourselves in the circumstances.

      I’m so sorry – this is so tough. Hugs! (and wine/ice cream)

    • Anon

      Booty call! He probably also expected more of a reaction from you and is seeing whether he can get a “please please don’t break up with me, you’re so wonderful” out of you.

      Whatever is motivating him to contact you again is about him, not about you.

      Keep moving forward. Change his name in your phone to “jerk face” and don’t answer his texts or calls. And get rid of him on all your social media.

      Picking at a scab leaves a scar. Don’t do it.

      • Anon

        Ps every single man who ever broke up with me (quite a few, I was a serial dater) eventually called me. Sometimes drunk, sometimes not, and usually with some vague “I miss you” which really meant “I miss your vaj.”

        It was a delight to tell them never to call me again.

    • applesandoranges

      I’d reply – something like “I’m doing well and hope you are too. Since our relationship has run its course I’d prefer a clean break”. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with not replying. Also, he gets one reply, that’s it. Hang in there. It sucks now but you’re strong and will get through this.

        • January

          +1. See also Monday’s comment below. I probably would not respond, in your shoes, but if you think you will be more able to consider the matter closed by sending a response like this, I think that’s fine.

      • Scarlett

        +1 to this. I don’t think you need to treat someone you spent a while with as an auto-jerk just because he broke up with you. I always preferred to end my relationships on a decently friendly note & I think this language is perfect for that. It’s clear you aren’t interested, but you’re not assuming the worst in him either.

    • SuziStockbroker

      There is no point in replying. He hasn’t changed his mind, and it is better for you not to be in contact with him, so you can heal.

      Absolutely no response.

      Signed, someone who did not listen to this advice in the past.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      IGNORE!

      He’s playing some kind of game here, or, rather, he’s trying to – he’s either looking for some NSA physical activity, or he wants you to “beg him” to come back, or he wants the ego boost he thinks he’s going to get from watching you pine for him up-close-and-personal, etc. There’s no magical response here that’s going to create a situation where you can be in each other’s lives without his attempt at game-playing harming you. So don’t play!

    • Anonymous

      Ignore him. He is a selfish, self-centered man. Block his number, defriend him, filter his emails, etc. He feels guilty, probably, but it is not your responsibility to make him feel better about dumping you.

    • Delta Dawn

      Another vote for no response. He worded the text nicely enough, but don’t let that camouflage how disrespectful his message really is. He is saying he doesn’t like you enough to date you, but he likes you enough to use you on his terms. Whether that’s gardening (probably) or just using you emotionally, it’s still a devaluation of you as a person. He does not think you are worth a full relationship; only a partial one. For that reason, he’s not worth your response at all.

      A side benefit to not responding is that he is guaranteed to spend at least a little time wondering. Did she get my text? Should I send it again? Is she really ignoring me? But I thought she was into me– she wouldn’t ignore me, would she? I broke up with HER– why isn’t she glad to hear from me? Perhaps this is immature of me, but I think it’s better to let him suffer those thoughts.

      • anon

        This X 1,000. My mental response would be “blow me.” (that’s the strong-me version, obviously I’d also think “I miss you why were you so stupid that you broke up with me?!?!). I’m telling him “blow me” on your behalf.

        There’s nothing to be gained by responding. Let him twist in the wind, show him he doesn’t have power over you any more. I think even the polite, conciliatory emails do him a favor by soothing his guilt/ thinking there’s a door left open for more communication later.

      • Jax

        I love how you worded this: “He does not think you are worth a full relationship; only a partial one.”

        Because it’s true. He misses you, but he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. You are absolutely worth a committed, loving relationship with someone who is ecstatic about you.

        Ignore–unless you think he’s the type to show up on your doorstep all faux concerned for you post breakup. (Flash backs to college. Ugh.) In that case, I’d send applesandoranges text before my commute home, so I couldn’t get sucked into a text conversation. Any further texts would receive responses that slowly drag farther apart–answer 1 hour later, answer next morning, answer on Sunday, etc. You’re busy and moving on.

      • TBK

        Wait wait wait. I think you can value a person but not want to be in a romantic relationship with them. I’m not saying that this is a vote for replying or not (although I’d err on the side of replying because I just think you can be civil without being encouraging). But there are boatloads of people I value enormously but with whom I don’t want a romantic relationship. I kind of assume other people feel the same way about me.

        • worthiness

          I agree with TBK.

          “He does not think you are worth a full relationship; only a partial one.”

          I don’t like the idea that a break up is necessarily a proclamation of the dumpee’s worth to the dumper. I think that characterization does needless damage. Not every relationship ends because the other person is perceived to be “not worth it.” But internalizing that idea can lead people who get dumped to believe they are unworthy. Oh, he broke up with me or didn’t want to go out with me? He thought I wasn’t “worth it.” Wow, I’ve been dating for a few years and a lot of guys seem to think I’m “not worth it” by this metric. That’s a short bus ride to “I’m not worthy.” Then people are tasked with fighting to believe they *are* worthy in the face of “evidence” that they are not. Trust me, this is a difficult thing to achieve. You can not want to date someone and believe in their value and worthiness of friendship, or of a relationship. I know it seems like its just wording, but there’s a ton of research on the profound impact of “unworthiness” in people’s happiness.

          But I do wholeheartedly agree with this: “He misses you, but he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. You are absolutely worth a committed, loving relationship with someone who is ecstatic about you.”

          And with not texting him!!!!

        • January

          I think the disrespect part of the comment applies to the OP’s specific situation – i.e., someone trying to shift a romantic relationship to a friendship immediately after breaking off the romantic relationship, where the break-up was due to a lack of “spark” or some other intangible quality on the part of the person doing the breaking up, AND the person being broken up with has expressed a desire not to stay friends. Not to non-romantic relationships generally.

        • Anne

          +1

          I also know plenty of people who broke up but are friends, because they do value each other but aren’t romantically a match.

          That said, there is no obligation to try that.

          I’d vote result, however, being cordial (I like the suggested reply above or something along the lines of ‘I’m doing well but don’t think being friends makes sense at this point. Best of luck in the future.’) This would keep it civil, which is especially good if there is any chance of running into each other in the future. Not worrying about running into him is worth it.

          I also think no reply sends a message that you aren’t doing well, and because I wouldn’t want him thinking that, I’d reply to show I’m fine.

    • Anonymous

      Nonononono … I wouldn’t respond at all, to anything, on any form of media. I would unfriend/block/delete him from every social media platform and change his name to something obscure – I use DNA (Do Not Answer) – in your phone (I say this as someone who simply deleted a contact, didn’t block the number, and received a call 2 years later that I regretted answering!). I highly suggest going cold turkey. You already said you couldn’t be friends, and he doesn’t sound like he was worth your time. Don’t let him continue to hurt you. *hugs*

  9. Monday

    If it were me, I probably would respond, but just (as you said) to reiterate that I was not up for hanging out. I’d also say I was doing fine, thanks! I say he gets one benefit-of-the-doubt read like this, where we say he probably just hoped you would have changed your mind or whatever, or wants to assuage his own guilt, but after you reply clearly to this text it is officially uncool if he continues to contact you. I’d probably ignore from then on. Don’t worry about him pressing further–if he can’t understand a straight “no,” that’s on him.

  10. Anon

    Wanting to buy a rental property in DC — even though I don’t own my own home, is that insane? Haven’t bought a place bc I just don’t feel “settled” in life and like the ability to get up and move (either cities or to a different part of town if I got a different job). Yet at 35 and single, I feel like I SHOULD own some property somewhere that’s building equity, so my thought is to buy an apartment in DC and rent it out (I live in Va. and work in DC). Everyone I’m surrounded by (all lawyers – all very risk averse) go on and one about how terrible being a landlord is. But I’m looking at it as an investment. I’d get a property management company and would look for a situation where rent + taxes + HOA + insurance + property management is greater than or close to my mortgage. And if I had to put in a few hundred per month extra, I’d view that as an “investment” (in building up equity in a place).

    Is this a bad idea?

    I moved to DC about a yr ago from NYC (where I couldn’t have afforded to do this), and I feel like in a city over run with young professionals, there has to be rental demand in places like Dupont, Adams Morgan, Scott and Logan Circle etc. and it’s worth it to “jump in” even if rent can’t cover every single cost. Has anyone done this?

    • Anonymous

      I think owning property for the sake of owning property is silly. If the rent you make is not going to cover your mortgage, taxes, HOA, etc., you’re losing money. Even if it is going to cover all that stuff, you’d probably see a greater return on your investment from the stock market. And yes, being a landlord is terrible.

      • Anonymous

        Not so sure it’s a dumb idea — if the mortgage + fees comes out to $2000 and she’s renting it out for $1800, yes, she’s losing $200 FOR NOW. Rent prices come up over time — so who is to say that at the next renewal, it won’t rent out for $2500? Yes there’s risk in it — but that risk is over 30 yrs and chances are she comes out on top. I wouldn’t use this is a replacement for investments in the market, but real estate is a reasonable way to diversify market risk and in 30 yrs she comes out with a property that she owns outright — at which point it’s ALL income.

        • Emmer

          Bear in mind that for a condo, HOA fees are going to rise along with rents, and condos typically have a much smaller return on investment than single family homes.

          • Anonymous

            Sometimes HOA fees rise dramatically when the board wants to prevent units from being rented too cheaply. There are places locally where I could buy a cheaper condo but the fee is over $1,000 a month.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, I don’t think that the rent increases are necessarily going to beat the combined price increases in HOA fees, property management fees, and taxes. It depends on the specific numbers and many factors, like how much rent is going up in that area, but in general renting a place for $1800 when you have $2000 of expenses on it every month seems like a way, way harder way to make money than just investing in an index fund.

      • 2:54

        To clarify, I mostly meant that I think it’s silly because “Yet at 35 and single, I feel like I SHOULD own some property somewhere ” is a terrible reason for buying property. There might be situations where it is worth buying a property that is going to lose money initially, but I don’t think just wanting to own property because you feel like it’s the right time in your life is a good reason for making this decision.

    • Emmer

      This is a pretty terrible idea for a number of reasons. First, I think if you’ve never been a homeowner before, becoming a landlord is going to have a super steep learning curve. Second, you’re not going to see a great return on buying a condo in the places you listed (I’m guessing you mean a condo, because if you had the 2 mil to buy an actual house there, you need an investment adviser STAT) – a true “investment” property will be in places like upper Petworth, Takoma, and the area around Walter Reed where you are going to see major appreciation as the area starts developing. Third, buying an investment property is fairly risky; if this is the majority of your savings, there are much better places to invest it.

    • Anonymous

      DC has some weird rent rules — like tenants have a right of first refusal for when you sell

    • Maddie Ross

      I have a lot of friends (not in DC mind you) who are getting into the rental market and I think it can be a great income producer for you – assuming you go in with your eyes open. Are you set on remaining in the DC/NOVA area? If not, I’d strongly caution you against this as an idea. Property management companies have their place, but the real way to make money is not to use one, at least not a full-service one. And to not use one, you have to be local really.

  11. Thinx

    Has anyone tried those thinx period undies? Do they work? I’ve been having some unpredictable spotting because of my BC and I’m so over it. I am going to the doctor, but in the mean time, I was wondering if I should get a few pairs of those underwear.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I am not familiar with those ones, but I love my DearKate period undies..

    • dearkate

      Haven’t tried Thinx, but I just ordered a pair of Dear Kates as my “something blue” for my wedding next week. Going to try to skip the period by starting a new pill pack, but I haven’t done that before and am afraid of spotting. The Dear Kates are pricey but pretty.

    • 2 Cents

      Hearing this second hand from a friend, but she loves them! She said that they really worked and were wonderful with wicking moisture away and not feeling like she had “swamp butt.” I’m going to buy a pair myself now.

    • Anon

      I ordered a pair in my usual size, but they were SO tight and I didn’t like the fabric – it was weirdly shiny (almost like plastic or something?). However, I really liked the customer service since they gave me a refund with no issues. I think it’s more likely that they just didn’t fit right. I love the idea and might try Dear Kate instead.

    • Nichole

      Probably a bit late to reply, but just in case someone followed the thread, I LOVE them. I bought more so I don’t need to do laundry as quickly and so I really don’t need to use tampons as much. I’ll use them with one tampon for the first half of the day on a heavy, day 1 or 2 of my period, ten hour day at work, and other than that pretty much just use the Thinx and change them before bed and in the AM. I used to use tampons 100% with a pad for back up on probably 4 of 6 days of my period, but for some reason as I got older (32 now) tampons started to make me feel almost sore and overly sensitive, and I HATE the feeling of a pad heavy enough not to change it every two hours. The Thinx come in a bunch of types, I ordered a variety in December and more last month and couldn’t be happier. I don’t feel wet or uncomfortable at all. My only concern so far is some of them seem to not fit quite as well or be as stretchy now, but I have gained weight in the past six months so it’s highly likely that it’s a problem with them.

  12. Runner 5

    Thesis handed in. And now a flood of emotions. And some wine and a movie! Im going out for 007 themed c-tails with dancing friends tomorrow to celebrate properly!

      • Bewitched

        CONGRATS!!! and given that you can write a thesis, I don’t think anyone should quibble with your punctuation!!!

    • SuziStockbroker

      Congratulations!!! I am almost 2 decades from handing my master’s thesis in, and I can still remember that flood of emotions.

      Have a kick-ass weekend, you deserve it!!

    • Aurora

      Congrats!! That’s a big deal – I remember handing in my 160-page thesis and collapsing with relief. Go celebrate and treat yoself, you definitely deserve it!

  13. Meg March

    I’ve been nursing the remnants of a cold the last few days–I was out of work with it Monday, and each day feels a little bit better but I still have a scratchy throat and slight headache. I’m going on a hike with friends tomorrow. Any favorite tricks for giving yourself that last boost up to 100%?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      A million hours of sleep. Seriously, take an OTC sleep aid and put yourself to bed at least 10 hours before you have to wake up tomorrow morning.

    • Carrots

      My roommate, the opera singer, swears by heated orange juice. It sounds weird at first, but it helps me. I get a Vitamin C boost and the heated liquid helps my throat.

  14. TBK

    My husband emailed me to tell me to scrap any plans I had for cooking dinner, he’d hired a babysitter and I should go home after work and dress up for a date. Not every week can end this way, but it’s pretty nice this one is.

  15. Anonymous

    Anyone else struggle with IBS? I usually keep it under control with a low-FODMAP diet, but when I’m stressed, it really flares up. I feel so bloated and awful today, it really has a huge effect on my mood, I feel so depressed when my gut is doing poorly

    • turkey

      Offering commiseration here, I have IBS-C, and it negatively affects my mood daily. To cope I mostly have loose dresses, and I am careful to keep stuff around for inevitable gas and pain, etc. Being uncomfortable and self-concious at work is a terrible feeling. And sometimes the side effects of my prescription meds make it more miserable.

      If I’m in fitted clothing that gets tight with bloating, and have a secluded area, I sometimes unzip the back of my skirt a little bit if my cardigan/jacket covers it until I can go home and wear loose clothing and get a heating pad.

      Hugs though, I’m right there with you.

    • APC

      Same and I do all of the things Turkey said – loose clothes or sometimes I unzip if no one will know. Last week I literally laid down in my car for my lunch hour. I’m trying to go off my IBS meds to prep for TTC in a few months and I’m really scared of what those months will bring….

    • Lucy

      Same and I do all of the things Turkey said – loose clothes or sometimes I unzip if no one will know. Last week I literally laid down in my car for my lunch hour. I’m trying to go off my IBS meds to prep for TTC in a few months and I’m really scared of what those months will bring….

  16. Anonymous

    Anyone have any recommendations for high dividend mutual funds or ETFs (i.e. funds that invest in companies with high dividends)? Bonus points if expenses are low AND there is no transaction fee/no load. I know Vanguard has a few good ones, yet all my accounts are with Fidelity (and I don’t want to open yet another account) and Fidelity charges a decent fee to buy Vanguard funds.

    Recommendations?

    • anon

      iShares ETFs are far superior to Vanguard mutual funds. I would check out DGRO and DVY.

    • investments

      After having most of my $$ at Fidelity, I got annoyed by their fees, so last year I finally moved some $$ over to Vanguard. Think about it. It doesn’t make sense in the end to buy different funds just because Fidelity is trying to make it harder to buy the ones you want. Buy the ones you want.

  17. Asheville

    This time next week, I’ll be three hours away from getting married. ! We’re going to Asheville, NC for three days after the wedding (and planning a bigger trip for the fall). Any recommendations for where to eat/drink and what to do would be much appreciated. Thanks all!

    • Zelda

      Asheville has amazing food. I was there for a long weekend (staying at a b&b, so no breakfast recommendations) and didn’t have a single bad meal. The Admiral was one of the best meals that I’ve had in a long time. White Duck Taco Shop has delicious fusion tacos. I can’t remember the names of the other restaurants, but it was allllllll good!

      • Zelda

        Just remembered we did a food tour with Asheville Food Tours. Highly recommend it. We walked around town, went to a bunch of great restaurants and learned about the history of Asheville. Do it near the beginning of your weekend because you get discounts to go back to the restaurants. We did it on our last day and wished we could have gone back to some of them.

        • Senior Attorney

          A propos of Help Me Get Over This’s post above, I had the weirdest thing happen last week. I dated this guy briefly and very casually when I was first separated from my former husband. He would call me and want to go to a movie the same night, or text and say “I’m down the street at the pizza place — wanna come for lunch?” He was a longtime friend and I wasn’t all that into him so I didn’t mind the very casual nature of things (never even got to the kiss-goodnight stage), and when he ghosted me it stung a tiny bit but it was fine.

          I hadn’t heard from him for — what? Two years? But then when I announced my engagement he messaged me on Facebook, which I ignored. And then he called me and left a congratulatory voicemail and asked me to call him so we could chat.

          And I’m all “What? You don’t contact me for two years and now all of a sudden somebody wants to marry me and you want to talk?” I haven’t responded, nor do I plan to. I mean, what’s the point, right?

          But what the hell, man? Boys are weird…

    • Anonymous

      I freaking love Asheville. Get a drink at Grove Park Inn and enjoy the view. (Dinner is overrated for the price IMO.) The spa is nice there too, but pricey. (Shoji’s spa is much more reasonable.)

      If you like beer, there are a ton of places in walking distance. Definitely stop at Wicked Weed; they have food, too. (Hi-Wire and Burial are other favorites.) The Admiral is my favorite dinner spot, and you’ll need reservations. Farm Burger for a cheaper eat. Curate is also highly rated, although I haven’t been there myself. Early Girl and Sunny Point Cafe for breakfast.

      When I was there a couple weeks ago, the Blue Ridge Parkway was closed about six miles northbound. But the Chimney Rock/Lake Lure area should be accessible if the parkway itself is not.

    • Anonymous

      Asheville is amazing this time of year!

      For dinner: Curate (Spanish tapas), Limones (upscale Mexican with amazing margaritas of all flavors), The Admiral (steaks, etc.), and a new dim sum/tapas place called Red Ginger. For something a little less expensive: Buxton Hall (amazing bbq and sides), White Duck Taco, Asheville Pizza and Brewing (amazing beer and great pizza). If you want to have pre-dinner cocktails, head up to the Sky Bar – it is on a fire escape on the side of the Flat Iron Building. It might be a little chilly after dark, but it is a great place to watch the sunset.

      For brunch: Mayfel’s, Sunny Point Café, Limones (Saturday and Sunday brunch at all of these). If you want less brunch and more breakfast, you can do any of those or places like Early Girl Eatery. There’s also a doughnut shop on the South Slope called Vortex Doughnuts that is great (they have gluten-free if that matters).

      If you’re into beer, head down to the South Slope – Catawba Brewing, Hi-Wire, Greenman Brewing, and Burial are all excellent breweries. Wicked Weed is also amazing, but it can be very crowded at times; it’s also more downtown. Downtown breweries that are good: Lexington Avenue Brewing, Wicked Weed, and Asheville Pizza & Brewing. There are lots of companies that bus people around on brewery tours.

      Things to do: tons of hiking (you can Google), a comedy bus tour called LaZoom, and the Blue Ridge Parkway is easy to access. There are also places that rent canoes, paddleboards, and the like to use on the French Broad River. They also have a minor league baseball team called the Tourists.

      Have fun! It’s beautiful this time of year.

    • Cat

      Two Charlotte bloggers that I follow have both spent time in Asheville over the past few years — A Liz Adventures and Carolina Charm. Their archives have good recommendations I’m sure!

  18. Anonymous

    Suggestions for ways to spend an afternoon in Columbus, Ohio? I visited Franklin Park Conservatory on my last visit & loved it, but looking for something different this time. Visiting next weekend and it looks like the weather will be nice.

      • Anonymous

        Ate their last time and wasn’t super duper wowed. It was good but I had heard so much hype I was a little disappointed. It was pouring rain and cold last time I was there; it probably tastes better when it’s sunny and 70 degrees.

        • Maddie Ross

          Just wanted to add support for your comment about Jeni’s. I mean, it’s good, it’s ice cream after all, it’s hard to be bad. But I wasn’t super wowed. I would not go out of my way.

  19. Austin, Tx?

    Any recommendations for what part of town to stay in or things to do? I’m going to be in that part of Texas for work next week, and decided to spend the weekend in Austin. I haven’t planned anything yet, so any recommendations would be appreciated.

    • TBK

      I’ve posted several recs on Austin — look for thiss!te, TBK, and Austin. Jealous! I love Austin!

    • Tetra

      I went last week and went out to the Ladybird Johnson Wildflower Center — it was great!

    • Sharon

      You must go to Sway – Thai food. Lunch is a bit slower than dinner so you can get a table. DH and I went to Thailand for our honeymoon but Sway had even better Thai food than what we had in Thailand!

    • LSC

      Downtown, off South Lamar, or on the Eastside would be good for walking or biking to neat stuff. As for what to do, depends on what you are in to. For outdoors, hike the greenbelt, visit zilker park and the trail at ladybird lake. Take a yoga class at Wanderlust or Black Swan. For food, check out some of our trailer parks, get some tex-mex at Maudie’s or Takoba, if you’re into high end cuisine you can check out Paul Qui’s place. For BBQ try La Barbeque or Franklins, if you don’t mind the wait. For fun: see a movie at Alamo Draft House, check out Highball for a drink and dancing, visit bars on the east side. For coffee/beer/nice weather, try Radio or Thunderbird. For shopping check out Congress Ave, second street, or the Domain up north. Enjoy!!

  20. Am I too old for this arrangement?

    Started dating a guy 6 months ago. After month 2 he was suddenly transferred, but he wanted to continue things and I agreed. We have been long distance since, with me doing most of the traveling.

    I am 36 years old with multiple very LT relationships so very few intimate partners. My prior boyfriends were almost all nerdy and out of shape. New guy is a former pro athlete. He is extremely…healthy…and generous…and generally gardens like his life depends on it. I have zero idea what I have been doing in this area of my life before him. But for several reasons including the distance I don’t think we have a future. I also know that I will essentially be dead to decent men in a few short years so I wonder if I should break things off even though like most ‘rettes I don’t exactly have time for more than this.

    What should I do here?

    • SuziStockbroker

      You will not be “dead to decent guys” in a few years.

      But, if you don’t see a future with him, and you are looking for someone to share the future with, move on.

    • cbackson

      If you think you will be dead to decent guys in a few years, I think the first thing you should do is some introspection about why you think of yourself (and men) that way.

    • Anonymama

      Wait, you think you’re too old for really good sex, or what? Honestly it sounds like your love life is on an upward trajectory to me, so why not just roll with it if you’re enjoying yourself now.

  21. Tech Question

    Does anyone else find that if you leave the web page open to this blog it creates a new page instance in your browsing history every time the page (automatically) refreshes? So for example, I came back from lunch and after scrolling through the comments hit the back button to return to the main page and had to go through 30 or so pages (all the same) to do so. I’m using Chrome and this doesn’t seem to happen with any other sites.

  22. Senior Attorney

    Posted above by mistake, trying again…

    A propos of Help Me Get Over This’s post above, I had the weirdest thing happen last week. I dated this guy briefly and very casually when I was first separated from my former husband. He would call me and want to go to a movie the same night, or text and say “I’m down the street at the pizza place — wanna come for lunch?” He was a longtime friend and I wasn’t all that into him so I didn’t mind the very casual nature of things (never even got to the kiss-goodnight stage), and when he ghosted me it stung a tiny bit but it was fine.

    I hadn’t heard from him for — what? Two years? But then when I announced my engagement he messaged me on Facebook, which I ignored. And then he called me and left a congratulatory voicemail and asked me to call him so we could chat.

    And I’m all “What? You don’t contact me for two years and now all of a sudden somebody wants to marry me and you want to talk?” I haven’t responded, nor do I plan to. I mean, what’s the point, right?

    But what the hell, man? Boys are weird…

    • Anonymous

      My first thought would be, does he have an STD he needs to tell me about? I think you’re fine to ignore him, but if you call him back, I would probably say just that – “Hey I was worried you were calling me because you have an STD or something, do I need to get checked? Oh you just wanted to talk? Nah I’m good kthxbye.”

      • Anonymous

        Like the theory. But senior attorney doesn’t strike me as one to start LGPs if they didn’t get to the kiss good night stage

    • Anonymous

      When I announced my engagement on facebook (in my mid-20s) almost every guy I had ever dated or kissed came out of the woodwork. It’s pretty common. Guys want what they can’t have.

  24. Office bug

    You know how every office will have a nasty bug going around?
    Well I work in a locked room with between 4 to 10 people at a client site and no one wants to open the door or a window as everyone is coughing and sneezing all day.
    The minute you enter the room you feel the stale air.
    I blame them for spending every weekend just trying to boost up my immune system.
    Every 2 days one more person gets sick and by the time they feel better they get sick again.
    Common sense is dead. Open the damn door and cover your effing mouth.

  25. Ugh bedbugs help

    So I’m probably way too late for the weekend thread, but I need some help! I’m traveling long-term, and it’s been amazing and fantastic, but I woke up yesterday morning covered in many small bites in lines and clusters and it’s the middle of the night where I am and I just woke up with many more :( :( some googling tells me I probably have bed bugs. I’ve been staying at hostels so it’s not a huge shock, but I’m currently in a western country (New Zealand) after months of incredibly dirty places in developing countries so I’m a little shocked it happened here.

    Anyway, help!!! I’m not going home for two more months so I need to take care of this on the road. There is lots of conflicting information online about what I need to do and the extent to which I need to do it. First and foremost, I obviously didn’t get them at the place I’m staying tonight (stayed elsewhwre last night) so I *brought them here* which makes me feel awful and is not something I want to repeat. In the morning ill definitely check my bed for signs.

    So, I’m traveling with a large backpack. The items that i have that are not clothes include: four pairs of shoes (hiking boots, leather flip flops, converse, and keens water scandals), two leather purses and one woven one, toiletries, makeup, a journal/pen, electronics (laptop, kindle, iPhone, camera, Bluetooth speaker, and various chargers), important papers (passport, passport copy, lots of souvenir tickets/mementos), my leather wallet with credit cards/cash… I think that’s it. So, for the clothes I will obviously just throw them in the wash and dryer at super super high heat (and hopefully my big backpack too, although probably will have to take out the frame)… But what do I do about the rest???? Freeze it? All of it? Certain things? Do I need to do anything to the electronics? Help help help :( :(

    • anon

      The site bedbugger has good advice. I’d put the electronics in ziploc bags, possibly buying these chemical strips that you can use to kill them…but maybe wait on that until you’re closer to going home. If you haven’t shaken the bugs by the time you’re going home, you might want to throw away non-essential non-dryable items (purses, makeup, mementos)

      • anon

        PS the good news is that 2 months is a long time to get rid of them! You can definitely do it but you need to be disciplined. Read bedbugger and maybe post on the forums there.

    • matilda

      heat is the only thing that kills them. freezing it won’t be helpful. i would take a hair dryer and heat up things like your shoes and other non-washable things for as long as possible (like 15 minutes) in a plastic bag or something like that to try to keep the heat in.

  26. Kate

    I’m 35 and have been married for several years. I’m uncertain whether we should have children as the prospect of being the breadwinner and primary parent is a difficult one for me (we aren’t “baby” people, but I think I can step up to the difficult tasks–not sure about my husband, though he has fewer work demands). The “having children” decision is weighing on me heavily, and I’m finding that acquaintances frequently ask whether we want children. Tips for (a) making an informed decision on whether or not to have kids and (b) dealing with personal, inappropriate comments/questions that frankly I don’t have the answers to. Obviously the latter is a far less significant question that the former.

    • LSC

      Do you see yourself with grown children when you are older? This is a good question I’ve seen others here post before. Also, whether to have kids is not really a logical decision. The potential drawbacks on kids far outweigh the potential benefits…until you have them and realize what an amazing thing it is. It’s a lot of work, but it is the best kind of work. I think it’s rare that people regret having a child, there is something indescribable in the kind of joy it brings, even though a lot of stress can come with it. That being said, if you don’t want to you don’t want to and that is ok. For now, when people ask you about it, you could say: “We’ve given it some thought. We’ll see.” Hopefully an honest answer will get them to shut up!

      • lucyhopesb@gmail.com

        This is such a tough, time-sensitive, irrevocable, and deeply personal decision. My empathy as you navigate this time. This advice from Dr. Sugar (Cheryl Strayed) really helped me: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

        I’m 36 and have a 2 year old. Hopeful for one more. It is the toughest, best thing. But have many friends who decided not to have kids and their lives are very full and happy. good luck to you!

        • Kate

          Lucy, thanks for the empathy and for taking the time to share the Dr. Sugar piece. It’s great. I need to chew on it a little (a lot?) more. Thank you!

      • Kate

        Thanks for this encouraging response. Being the overly-analytical worry wart that I am, I need to hear that it isn’t a logical choice. It doesn’t make the choice “clearer” but it really does help.

      • Frozen Peach

        There are two books that are really helpful on this topic– “Why Have Kids” by Jessica Valenti, and “All Joy and No Fun”. They are what I read before we took the plunge, and were very helpful in clarifying a lot of things, both individually and in our relationship.

  27. argh

    Any advice on the best/kindest way to refuse a second date? We met on OKCupid, really nice/sweet guy, texted me back right after and wrote a really nice message saying he had a fantastic time and asked if I was free next week. I found him a little too unambitious/boring/not physically appealing to me. I couldn’t wait to leave, but now I find myself thinking, hmm, maybe I should give it one more chance to be nice/see what happens? :-/

    • January

      “Thanks! I enjoyed meeting you, too, but I don’t think I want to pursue this further.” Or whatever else makes sense to you.

      It’s great to keep an open mind while dating, but “I couldn’t wait to leave” is a strong signal, in my opinion. Giving him a chance when you know there’s no chance isn’t actually that nice (to him or to you).

      Sorry – these situations are rough, especially if you’re a people-pleaser, but they’re pretty typical for online dating. Just remember that going on dates that you don’t want to go on serves no one.

  28. Anne

    PSA: The Ann Taylor sale CYBER50 is working now. I know it was posted before it worked yesterday – I think it started at midnight.

    • PatsyStone

      Yep, it’s on! I’m interested to see how the flats w/ the bow turn out. I think there’s lots of good items right now (their early spring offerings were not my fave).

  29. Serah

    Does anyone remember what type of discount Lo&Sons has offered for mother’s day in the past? They have 20% off codes floating around but I’m wondering if I should hold out for a bit. I’m kicking myself for dragging my heels during black friday…pretty sure the OMG was 30 or 40% off then. Oh well.

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