This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Several readers have sung the praises of these wide-leg flare pants from Maeve. (One even went so far as to describe them as the second coming of The Skirt, which is high praise if you’re an OG Corporette reader.)
I love the slightly stretchy fabric, which fits and flatters a wide range of body types. They also come in a great range of sizes, from standard to plus, petite to tall.
The pants are $130 at Anthropologie and come in standard sizes 00-16, petite sizes 00-16, tall sizes 2-16, and plus sizes 16W-26W.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Cb
Ugh, I’m so, so ready for a holiday, and I’ve got 9 days to write an article and about 500 rubbish words… anyone seen my writing inspiration?
Vicky Austin
I suspect it wandered off and took my energy with it, and they’re having a grand old time in the woods somewhere. ;)
You got this! Time for a change of scenery and a favorite coffee to get you going?
Cb
I think so! Part of it is that I have no idea what I’m writing… British politics has been bananas for the last 7 years and I feel just buffeted by events.
Going to try and get some words down today/reread speeches and take notes, and relocate to the wifi-less cafe tomorrow.
Anonymous
It might have run off with mine. Struggling here to finish two reports when I really need to be writing an article that I have not started.
Cb
I’m also waiting about news about an interview (spoke with the hiring manager before submitting my application and felt pretty confident I’d be interviewed) so keep refreshing my email…
Anon
It joined my brain in the post-COVID fog. I think they’re having drinks together.
Estate Planning Question
I have an older daughter (12) from my first marriage and a son (2) with my current husband. My spouse and I are revising our wills. Older daughter’s father is very unlikley to have additional children. We’re very unlikely to have additional children. My ex, myself, and my current husband are all professionals. Ex makes the most out of the three of us by probably 60k. Everyone does alright though. MCOL area. Ex owns a home worth around 500k. We own something similar. My guess is ex has similar savings to us (but, I don’t know). How should current husband and I be dividing up our assets? My gut says 50/50 between our two kids, but my oldest will also be presumably inheriting from his dad? I totally get that everything may be totally different 10-15 years from now, and we will have to revisit. I’m just struggling with what’s equatiable right now if something happened to me and my husband. Thoughts? Anyone dealt with something similar?
Anon
I would personally do 50/50, especially with all these unknowns. And I know you’re worried about it being equitable, but it seems very unlikely you and your ex would die in the next 10-15 years before you revisit.
Cb
I’d do equal, you don’t want to risk any feelings of resentment. My mother-in-law did this weird thing where she and her partner were going to give my husband an ever so slightly larger share (like 3 percentage points) in recognition that he’s his mum’s only child, but otherwise do a 6-way split (his half brother, and his mum’s partners 4 children – yes, I made a chart when we first started dating).
The partner’s children kicked off about it and they’ve equalised it, making them happy but hurting my husband’s feelings a bit since he’s his mum’s only child (her partner was couchsurfing when they got together, her children were late teens, so the family home is not really a shared asset).
I’m hoping the in-laws spend it all on rescue cats or something to minimise drama.
Anon
Absolutely equal, no question. The other variables wouldn’t enter my calculus at all.
Anonymous
Is your ex remarried? Won’t his new spouse get his assets?
Not sure how relevant this is, but DH has a half sister via his dad. He interested 50% of his dad’s assets and 100% of his mom’s assets. His half sister got 50% of his dad’s and 100% of her mom’s.
DH’s mom had 10x++ the assets of DH’s half sister’s mom.
roxie
is your current husband willing to have his assets be split among his kid and stepkid? Many aren’t (I wasn’t) in part due to the inequities the other way – that your oldest will have assets from 3 parents but your youngest from only 2.
Anon
Not the OP, but I think that this is a fair point to consider (not for any outcome, but it’s a non-insignificant input, like having one kid be special needs, etc.). Also, with the age differences, if you put the older kid through college and then die and the other kids split things 50-50, the younger kids maybe haven’t been to college yet and their 50% share, which is reduced after accounting for older kid’s college, has to then be used for college. So you may want to do the split after equalizing for a lump sum for college with such a big age gap.
Anon
Equal split. Don’t try to “even things up;” it’s really not fair and doesn’t work the way you think it does.
For all you know, your ex could blow through all of his savings on expensive end of life care after you’ve both died, and your oldest could bleed her own money helping him out. Would you then say that she inherited equally?
Vicky Austin
Always equal. My husband and I had wills before our baby was born (which we need to update now!) and our beneficiaries were our sisters (he has one and I have two). He wanted to do 50% to his sister and 25% to each of mine, but I said absolutely not and we did 1/3 to each instead. His logic was to split our assets between us first, then pass them along to the beneficiaries, but I disagreed since we treat our assets as completely shared in life, so we should also do so in death. Not to mention I see my sister-in-law as just as much my sister as the two I grew up with.
Anonymous
I kind of disagree with 50/50. I would say that when you die your assets should go to the kids, 50/50. If husband dies, his assets should go to you. But the question is if you die first — I might have 50% of my assets go to my husband and 50% to a trust to be divided equally by the kids. If you die first who would get custody of the child? Would your husband still expect to be in her life if you died and she were to move in with your ex? For example: let’s say she’s 12 now, been living with current husband since she was 9. If you die tomorrow, Ex would probably get custody. If husband then dies in 25 years, I wouldn’t expect the stepdaughter he only lived with for 3 years to get 50% of his assets.
Anon
This can get pretty complicated and also depends on how assets are held with current husband. I would be pretty pissed if I had joint assets acquired within the marriage and was not the sole beneficiary. If there are assets he had before the marriage then I wouldn’t care.
Anon
I’d split your 50% equally between your two kids. Your husband can make his own decision, which may be 100% to his biological kid or also 50/50. I’d respect his choice but for yours, equal between your kids.
Anon
Absolutely split equally.
Let’s be honest… your ex will probably re-marry, and then his spouse may get everything. She may or may not have a good relationship your 12 year old daughter (and who knows how old she will be once your ex gets re-married). It is very, very, very common for 2nd / later in life wives to not leave $ for stepkids. I have seen it.
You may have a good relationship with your Ex. You have know he has a will and a TRUST set up to protect your daughter’s inheritance. But he can change that at any time. His future is totally unknown. Totally.
Are you setting up a TRUST for your 12 year old to ensure her inheritance? Also for your 2 year old!
What if you die first, and your husband inherits all? Then he remarries and your 12 year old has a new stepmother. If you don’t have a TRUST already set up, your IRA/savings could go to your 2nd husbands new wife, instead of your daughter (or son!).
Anon
Yes, all this. And you need to talk to an estate planning attorney about all of this. They will know how to discuss all options with you and how set up trusts for any assets that would pass to a minor. (I am not that kind of lawyer but have used one.) If your concern is both you and your spouse’s death in the next 10-15 years, you need to have a trust (and someone to manage the trust) in place for your kids, and maybe you want that to cover your daughter until she’s in her 20s (not just 18, that’s what we have). You don’t need to have a lot of assets to warrant a trust – though you do have significant assets that will need to be managed if you die before your kids are old enough to manage themselves.
But you can’t control what your ex does or know what his finances will be in the future. And you want to have the convo with your spouse about what he would do regarding your assets and your daughter in the event you die and he doesn’t. Trusts help protect assets in cases like this where regular inheritance rules might be unequal (like your spouses new wife getting your assets instead of your daughter). And make sure you and your spouse have life insurance and a trust ready to take those proceeds for your kids!!!
OP
We have plenty of life insurance and are talking to estate attorney. Trust is set up for each kid. Ex also has trust for older kid (obvioulsy could change that). I’m not worried about the logistics – I trust our attorney to execture our wishes. My concern is more about the gut feeling I have that I am somehow not treating either of my children fairly somehow by splitting things 50/50. I think I need to just accept that is the best possible solution even if it’s not a perfect solution.
Anon
Totally hear you. It’s emotional on so many levels. I think the main reason I’d stick with 50/50 (for now) is that it will make sense to your kids (mainly your daughter) if you were both to die before she’s 18 or 22. My unmarried mother died when my sibling and I were in our 20s and we shared her assets 50/50 but there still were definitely tense conversations about valuing and selling the car, etc. It’s a terrible time and the last thing you would want is for your kids (again, more likely your teenage daughter) to feel like you were preferring your younger child over her.
And you can always and probably should revisit these divisions – one child might have special needs ten years from now that they don’t have now. Twenty years from now, your children will again be in different places in life.
Anon
There are, of course, about 50 variables that could affect what is left, e.g., you die first, leave everything to your spouse, he remarries and spends it on his new wife’s kids, but there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that your older daughter will inherit from two sets of parents. When I had a step-son, and my husband and I had 3 together, step was going to receive 1/7th (so 2/7ths to each of our shared kids, 1/7th to him) in the event of our joint death. Between what he inherited from us and the fact that he was his mom’s only child, he would, theoretically, come out even better than our shared kids. The only solution to making sure everything happens exactly the way you want it is to (1) not die, or (2) die of something that gives you a little warning so you can revise shortly before death. But I absolutely understand not splitting your joint assets evenly between your older daughter and your shared kids, although I would defer to your husband’s wishes since his contribution is what is at stake. I also understand making all things equal! There is really no perfect solution.
Senior Attorney
My parents were in a similar situation and ended up dividing everything equally between my brother and I (children of the marriage) and the two half siblings (my dad’s kids from former marriage). They considered and rejected dividing the estate in half and dividing my mom’s half 50-50 between her kids, and my dad’s half in fourths among his kids. I think it was the right call.
Vicky Austin
Unrelated, but I appreciate your technically correct use of “between” vs “among.”
Anon
First: Talk to an estate planning attorney. That said and assuming that this is if you and your husband both die at the same time: Given the uncertainties I would split the estate 50/50 with the money going into a trust. However, I would also make a calendar entry for when your oldest is 18 to re-visit the circumstances. And then again when he is finished with college. And again when the youngest graduates from college.
The point being that people are talking about the fall-out 10-20-30 years down the line and a will (especially when you have children) is not a one and done task. My own father has three children and there are 20 years between the oldest (me) and the youngest. There were times, when I was grown and through school, when my siblings were his only heirs because they were children. Once we were all through college it was an equal split. Now 75% is going to a trust for the support of one of my nieces who has special needs and the other 25% to my other sibling (not the parent of the niece) and nothing to me because I am my mother and step-father’s only heir and they have $$$$ (which I am 100% OK with; my siblings’ mother/Dad’s ex-wife is likely to be a drain rather than a help to them). Things change.
Honestly the harder question is what to do if you die and your husband does not and what is set aside for your older child. If you do not already have life insurance for that purpose I would highly recommend it.
Anon
My husband and I are leaving a large share to our son together than to my two stepchildren. Their mom is extremely wealthy (like, doesn’t fly commercial-level wealthy) and will inherit in the range of 20 million when her parents pass; our estate (if we died while our child was a minor) would be nowhere near that. Our son will not have the type of financial resources to pay for school, college, medical needs, etc that his siblings will, so we felt it made sense to leave more to him.
We’ll revisit all this when the kids aren’t minors.
anon
I was your daughter in this scenario, and I would say you should give equal portions. My mom and stepdad cut me out of their will because “I didn’t need it” because my dad would take care of me. He was actually broke and more or less still is, but what stuck with me is that my mom and stepdad didn’t seem to feel as invested in me. My parents are both still alive, I just found my mom and stepdad’s will laying around when I was in high school which is how I know. I’m 35 and still hurt frankly. I’d be less hurt but still hurt if they had me in there but if it were unequal.
Anonie
Oh my god, as someone who was in your older daughter’s shoes, equal. Do you get her half as many holiday/birthday gifts as her younger sibling because she also gets them from her bio-dad? No? Why not? Same principle applies here.
OP
Not your point, but we actually do Christmas jointly with my ex. I buy all presents for everyone and my ex contributes towards half of the older kiddos gifts. Both kids get equal presents.
To your larger point, I’m not trying to short change my older child. I would never want her to feel that I was, and this thread has convinced me that 50/50 makes sense for right now. It’s not worth the risk of her feeling like she was loved or valued any less. We’ll revisit when she is 18 and after any major events.
Anon
This happened in my family though kids were grown up when the parents died. My aunt left her assets equally to the two sons. But my uncle changed his will after she died and gave everything to his son, nothing to the stepson. Huge resentment.
So make sure your elder kid doesn’t lose out.
Anon
I want to switch from a raincoat to a poncho (will cover backpack) now that I’ve had a week of endless rain in my area. I want a durable one, maybe with some pockets, vs the ones that are a glorified plastic bag and tear easily. Current raincoat is a good gore-tex one with pit zips and I’d like the equivalent in a rain poncho. Any good recommendations? This may be the sort of thing that long-haul backpackers have or may be an REI-type item.
Anon
Clever Hood is the one I’d get if I were in that situation. Where I live, rain tends to be mercifully short lived, so you can almost always wait 10 minutes for an opening. It’s also warm enough that raincoats just have me wet with sweat rather than rain. When I move, I’ll probably invest in the CH.
Davis
I love my Clever Hood! Great for cycling, but also walking around. There are great color options and it’s wonderfully durable.
Cb
Ah, a cycling cape. I have a Decathlon one but some of the women’s cycling brands make more attractive ones.
anon a mouse
I bought one a couple years ago from Am*zon – brand is Pteromy, and it’s more or less what you describe. We always throw the ponchos in our packs when hiking — they roll up really small and are great to have in case of a sudden downpour. It’s not as high-quality as goretex but has worked fine.
Anonymous
German cycle brand Vaude has some excellent ones.
Anon
You could also consider getting a cover for your backpack, if that’s easier to find.
Anon
OP — I have a cover for my backpacking backpack but for a small daypack or computer bag, I prefer that we all be completely covered. And I can layer a puffer under a cape better than I can with my current raincoat. I wish I had thought of all this before I got a spendy raincoat (which is great, but not great for everything life has thrown at me lately).
Anon
Has anyone bought a washer and dryer lately and have a rec? It’s been years since we’ve bought a set. Do front loaders still get mildewy and smelly? Is Consumer Reports reliable? There was a while there where they weren’t. Is Costco a good bet?
Vicky Austin
I think the general consensus here is Speed Queens for quality that really lasts. Not sure if you can get them at Costco.
Anon 2.0
If the manufacturer of Speed Queen started a cult, I’d join. Speed Queen for life!
Anon
Speed Queen for life, and beyond. I’m an old and sometimes have the morbid thought that those machines will likely outlive me.
bird in flight
Our washer and dryer are slowly dying and we’re going to replace in the next few months – this community + other internet research totally sold me on Speed Queen. Then I went to their website and realized they were made in Ripon, WI, which is 1.5 hours from where we live. I thought that was pretty cool that they were made in the United States.
Anonymous
Wirecutter just updated their picks. I just go with what they tell me for consumer purchases.
Anon
I hate all front load washing machines. In my experience, you have to take a rag to dry out the inner tube after every wash or it gets moldy and smelly. Even then, it can still get pretty gross. My last rental apartment had a front load and I opened it up the first time and closed it immediately! So awful!
Anon
Agree. The advice to just “leave the door open” after doesn’t work for those of us in small apartments. Thank god my rental has a top loader because if it had a front loader that needed the door left open, I wouldn’t be able to pass into the kitchen.
Anon
My new rental has a top load. Thank goodness for the major upgrade!!
Anonia
We got an Electrolux set three years ago that can be stacked and they are awesome. There was some new treatment to prevent mold and mildew and we have not been careful about wiping down the washer gasket and it’s been fine.
Anonymous
I have a GE Profile front loader from Costco that I have been pleased with. 3 kids so we do a lot of laundry. The ability to prefill like 30 loads of detergent has been a game changer.
Anon
Ours are currently being installed so while I can’t speak to using, I can talk through how we made the decision/inputs.
We used consumer reports as one of several inputs int he process, but I wouldn’t rely on it too closely. They list specific models, which you may or may not be able to find, and can be dependent on whether you get the entry level or deluxe models.
Consumer reports had LG models as something like 3 of the top 5 models. We could get these at Home Depot, and were able to get at least one of the models listed in consumer reports.
We also checked out a local appliance store that we’ve bought other things from previously. They don’t carry LG because at least in our area you can’t find a repair person (LG is proprietary and repair people have to get “certified” to work on their products, read: pay lots of money).
We ended up going with GE front loaders from the local appliance store, which were similarly priced to the home depot LG’s, maybe a little less expensive. GE was listed among the recs from consumer reports (at least some models), the appliance place named them as being reliable, but also being able to find repair people if needed. They also have some features that are intended to help with the mildew/smell including anti-something rubber and a venting system. Time will tell if this plays out.
anonshmanon
I just bought a washer (no dryer though). My main priorities were that it should last long and be efficient in it’s water and electricity use. I learned that GE and Whirlpool, despite being energy star certified, are much more wasteful than LG, Samsung or Electrolux. Also front loaders are generally more efficient. Samsung seemed to have a lot of issues, according to reviews. I ended up getting the Electrolux, but have only used it for a short while.
Anon
I have had my GE front loader for maybe 7 years. I rarely wipe it out but sometimes will soak up a puddle in the gasket if I notice one. I keep the door open when not in use, and use the cleaning cycle about every 2 months. It has zero smells or funk.
Anon
I’m a Costco person.
Check consumer reports/wirecutter.
Then go to Costco.
We bought an LG model that was one of the top reviewed at Costco. The sales/rebates/warranty at Costco are great.
Always front loader, unless you know you are too distracted / sloppy to take care of it. All this means is always leave the doors open, and DRY THE GASKET WELL with a towel/microfiber cloth after done using, so that it will dry completely. Don’t buy a model where the reviews are poor and A LOT of people complain about mildew. But if only a few people complain about the model, it is likely they aren’t drying it sufficiently.
It takes literally 15 seconds to dry.
Most mold/mildew problems are because people don’t do the drying step. It is what it is. Know yourself. Maybe once every 6-12 months, I may do the recommended cleaning cycle in the manual. Read the manual and see what they recommend.
Top loaders are much more damaging to clothes. I’m the person who washes everything on delicate, hangs everything to dry (except sheets/towels). My clothes look great.
Anon
+1, I bought a large capacity LG model at Costco about a year ago and have been very happy with it. Front loader. No smell issues but I do wipe the inner tube every few loads to be safe.
Anonymous
+1, the front loader doesn’t destroy clothing the way the top loaders have. No more weirdly asymmetrical t shirts that have to be thrown out.
BB
I am team Miele for all my appliances! Wirecutter actually ranks them as the best upgrade pick for washers. The only caveat is that they are compact size, but they are really wonderful washer/dryers!
Ses
Team Miele! I love my front loader and having the feature with soap pre-loaded and portioned is so great.
AnoNL
I have only had front-loading washing machines (EU standard) and never had any issues with mould or smell. I keep the doors open to allow it to air, never wiped anything.
I have been renting different apartments with different brands of washing machines and my favorites were LG (super efficient, quiet), Bosch and Electrolux.
In my recent apartment, I had to buy my own washing machine (#WeirdThingsDutchPeopleDo) and I went for LG. Just filtered the one with A energy and water and spinning level and chose the cheapest one. I have had an issue with it in the first week and the pump had to be changed, but has been running like a clock ever since.
Regarding Miele – they are considered as overpriced and not worth it.
Anon
I’m sick and tired of all this return to office talk with all these stupid articles about Salesforce donating $10 or Google docking performance reviews. Offer on-site, free childcare and you’ll get 100% return of young parents to office. Yet it requires offering the peons something and spending money, so it won’t happen.
Monday
Nor did it happen when the only people working in person were “essential.” Free on-site child care for grocery store employees?
Anon
That would be awesome. Obviously the details of something like this would need to be worked out and it would take a long time to get it right, but I’m pissed it’s not even part of the conversation. “Spontaneous watercooler conversations” are worth a lot less than reliable, affordable childcare.
Anne-on
Agree and it doesn’t get better once the kids are older (until they’re teens) – someone has to get them off the bus stop and in some areas there isn’t good after school care options. Even if there is, it ends at 5pm in my area. I’d have to catch a 3:30 train to reliably have enough time to get from the train station to school (and honestly 3pm would be better because the trains are always 5-15 minutes late). We have no local family so we’ve had au pairs/sitters to cover those hours and I feel for those who can’t afford that as an option.
Anon
While I’m in favor of onsite free childcare, this really only persuades a narrow subset of people whose kids are all between the ages of 0 and 5. With my oldest kid starting elementary school a block from our house this year, WFH is infinitely more convenient and nothing my employer could offer me would change that. Daycares tend to have long hours and be open every day (unlike schools) so parents who have both daycare age kids and school age kids are much more focused on childcare arrangements for the older kids.
Anon
This. I don’t have kids and don’t plan on having kids but working from home allows me to pursue hobbies that I wouldn’t have time for if I was spending 2 hours a day on my commute.
Anon
If you are trying to convince employers to allow people to continue to work from home, please stop talking about hobbies and child care. One of the reasons they want people back is that they think they are doing child care/hobbies during the work day rather than actually working. And every time someone says: “If I can work from home I can go pick my kids up from school, they think “so you are taking 30-40 minutes off in the middle of the day?” Talk about working free from constant distractions and interruptions and how your productivity has increased. Talk about not wasting time on a commute. You need to give them a benefit rather than just focusing on the benefit to you.
The labor market is shifting and honestly they do not really care about what benefits you. I am not saying that is good or right or moral. But it is true.
Anon
This.
Anon
By not wasting time on the commute, I can go to a 6pm yoga class. If I had to commute, I couldn’t do that. I’m not going to a yoga class at 9am! If you’re not getting your work done, whether it’s in office or at home, then there’s a problem. I get my work done and can still pursue hobbies when I wfh. Also, quality of life is so important. Hobbies should definitely be factored in!
Anon @ 11:36
I am not saying your yoga class is not important. Only that it is not important to your employer.
I totally get it. I have a 90 minute daily commute and would much rather go to the gym during that time than sit in my car. But I do not think my law firm gives a d*mm about my exercise needs. Fortunately the attorneys can point to an objective metric for performance (billable hours), but that is not something that applies to everyone.
anonshmanon
This comment section is the only place where I keep reading ‘the labor market is shifting’ and the notion that employees better not make any demands. I think this may be highly field dependent.
This commenter specifically referred to the 2hrs/day saved from commuting. Having a life outside your job is perfectly reasonable.
Anon
Working from home benefits my employer in two ways:
* I work more intently (see “Open Office Plans Suck”) and longer hours (see “no commute”)
* I remain alive (see “immunocompromised and no one in my office cares”), so I can continue to work
Anonymous
From my perspective the labor market is shifting in the other direction. We can’t hire anyone to work in the office. All of our candidates expect to work remotely from anywhere in the country.
Anon
The only people I know in my M/HCOL who have an hour commute have it because they’re either in an extenuating family situation (spouse works an hour in the opposite direction, lives with relatives to save money) or who choose to live in the exurbs so they can have an unreasonably large house for a reasonable amount.
I live in a smaller less-fancy but very walkable area with older houses so that I can have a 20 minute commute. I don’t have a ton of sympathy for my coworkers complaining about their commutes when they chose a fancy 3500+ sq Ft house
Anonymous
Employers would have a much easier time convincing employees to return to the office if they provided everyone with a private office with a window and a door, and if people were prohibited from coming in to the office sick.
Anon
Actually I work for a Big 4 where they stress the importance of a life outside of work and give us a wellness stipend that pays for my annual yoga studio membership. I love working for a company that actually seems to care about their employees even if it’s just so that we can work better.
Anon
“This comment section is the only place where I keep reading ‘the labor market is shifting’ and the notion that employees better not make any demands. ”
I think we have a lot of lawyers here whose jobs are being threatened by generative AI and they legitimately have reasons to be worried about contraction in their job market. I think the path for entry-level lawyers is going to be uncertain for awhile and there probably are considerations for lawyers/people in the legal field that don’t exist elsewhere. And, well – people can be myopic, sometimes.
Someone downthread said they cannot hire people for in-office positions – I am in a tech/science company, but am not myself a scientist or programmer; I just work with them on a daily basis. The Venn diagram of “successful, experienced, versatile programmer” and “wants to work in an office” are two completely separate, non-overlapping circles. We have positions that have been vacant for over a year because the manager wants someone who will be at least hybrid, and the talent acquisition people can’t find anyone willing to do that. And in our case, generative AI is not really a threat to the work the programmers will be doing; there are serious IP/trade secret/security concerns that mean we need real humans writing our code. Other positions, we have been able to find people willing to work on-site but in general those are not the cream-of-the-crop candidates. Those candidates want fully remote or at least infrequent (like less than once a week) hybrid jobs. And they aren’t willing to compromise, because they don’t have to. In a lot of fields, there just are not that many well-trained, experienced, talented people to fill roles – and that was true even before the pandemic.
Anon
I dunno, I had a 15-20 minute commute each way, and it still impacted my quality of life a lot when I got to stop commuting. 40 minutes a day roundtrip is more than 3 hours per week. That’s not nothing!
Also not everyone is moving far away because they want a McMansion. In college towns the houses close to campus are $$$$ and are out of reach of students, postdocs and even many faculty members. Unless you’re like the dean of the med school or the football coach, you’re not going to be buying a house a few blocks from a major university.
Anonymous
I had an hour commute on the train because there are no apartments available downtown for a reasonable price. This is in Chicago. And I certainly wasn’t living further out for more space. I lived in a tiny dark garden apartment.
Anon
Replying to 12:46 – most people don’t live far away because they want McMansions. You’re being very myopic. I’m in the Bay Area and even the crappiest housing with short commutes is unaffordable to most. People live far away because they can’t afford anything else. You are very fortunate and you’re not the victim here.
Anon
I’m an ex-lawyer who now works in tech, but I don’t think AI is a threat to lawyers any time soon. The current AIs are awful and write briefs that are incoherent and filled with factual errors. Eventually AI will improve, but it’s a ways off and there are still the confidentiality and attorney-client privilege concerns. In fact, I would say there are probably more confidentially/security concerns about using AI for the average lawyer than the average programmer. So I don’t really understand your reasoning that lawyers are going to be obliterated by AI and programmers are safe.
Anon
+2. I do have young kids but we have a FT nanny so on site childcare wouldn’t be at the top of my list. But nothing beats WFH for flexibility IMO (parents and non-parents alike).
Anonymous
Are people wfh without any childcare? That is bonkers to me. My kids were home on Monday and it was a nightmare.
Anon
I don’t think anyone’s implying that.
Anon
No? But free, onsite childcare is still a big incentive for parents if the alternative is expensive, offsite care.
Vicky Austin
I did on Monday – with a two-month-old. I suspect those days are numbered. Also, isn’t it illegal in some situations?
Anonymous
I have never heard that it’s illegal, but my employer certainly prohibits it.
Anon
Not illegal, but may be against employer policy and consequences could potentially include firing.
Vicky Austin
That’s probably what I was thinking of.
Anon
I am sure there are some people that do this. Just like there are some people treat a WFH day as a vacation day. These are not the majority of people.
The discussion of on-site childcare I assume comes from a few places when comparing wfh to rto
1 – childcare when you are in the office is more expensive because you need more hours to cover your commute
2 – you see your kid less if you have to commute and can’t spend the commute with your kid
3 – on-site childcare would (presumably) help with a lot of logistics if your office and the on-site childcare coordinate things like holidays, hours of operation, etc
4 – able to work longer hours because there is no time lost from having to leave office to make pickup
5 – depending on the on-site care and job situation, ability to see your kid during lunch hour or a work break.
It doesn’t solve all the issues and it only addresses a specific subset of people who have real benefits from wfh but the above is what a lot of parents of young kids are focused on when they talk about the benefits of wfh with childcare. Less expensive, more flexible and ultimately more time with their kids due to less commuting and logistics of coordinating childcare. Not that they don’t have childcare when they work from home
Anon
The most amusing thing to me is that the entire way that people think about and feel about work has completely changed in the last decade or so – it started way before the pandemic – and employers have still not figured out that the workforce’s attitude towards work has entirely changed, and will not change back. It’s a bell that can’t be un-rung. And it’s not about childcare, or even commutes. People have woken up to the idea that working really really hard, many hours a week, for years and years, doesn’t guarantee you anything. Not even financial stability. And thus, probably isn’t worth it.
The social contract that companies made with the Greatest Generation after WWII – you come to work for us, and in exchange for your hard work and loyalty we will take care of you – got broken in the 1970s and 1980s when corporations stopped being about work and people and started being all about money. When companies started laying off people who had worked for companies for decades, when companies replaced pensions with 401ks, the contract changed. American corporations expected workers to maintain their end of the contract – and people did, for awhile. But the old formula of the American dream, which was:
– Get a job
– Work hard, work long hours, do what the company tells you at all times
– Make enough money to support your family, buy a home, save some for the future
– Retire with a pension
– Enjoy your golden years
Has completely changed. Now, Millennials and Gen Z are looking at this equation:
– Take out loans to go to college
– Maybe you’ll be able to get a decent job and maybe not
– “Decent jobs” still don’t pay enough to enable you to buy a $300,000 “starter home” and a $30,000 “mid-level” reliable car AND pay back your student loans
– Pensions don’t exist
– Insurance is required for everything and insurance premiums on health, car, home insurance keep going up
– Because of high mortgage amounts, larger car loans, high insurance rates, and student debt, saving for the future gets harder and harder
– Retirement is a fantasy.
People don’t want to WFH because they don’t want to work; people want to WFH because the fundamental contract of employment has been broken, society is not working the way it used to, and people want to have a life that doesn’t involve working all the time. Because giving your life to your job is not worth it. It makes no sense to have a family and spend all your time with other people outside of your family. It makes no sense to slave for someone else 60-80 hours a week so they can get rich, when you never will. In hoarding wealth for themselves, uber-capitalist business owners created a situation where now people are looking at their options and realizing that killing themselves for a job isn’t even close to worth it. And so they’re not going to do it, period.
I think some of the new ideas about work that are emerging are fascinating. My kid is a teenager so I don’t need on-site childcare. There’s not much that would entice me away from WFH, but I would probably consider a full RTO if I could have a 4-day workweek with flexible start and end times each day. I wouldn’t even expect to be paid the same. But I am never, ever going back to a 5-day-a-week in-the-office office job, even if I have to go work at Costco as an alternative. And I’m seeing more and more people who, when faced with the rigidity/inflexibility, politics, and meaningless work that most office jobs offer, are saying “screw it” and deciding to go do something else.
And for those folks who say “well, just wait until the next recession” – go read about the “demographic cliff” and how it’s affecting colleges and universities now. And how it’s anticipated to affect workplaces in the near future. Literally not enough children are being born to replace retiring and dying older workers. And sentiment about immigration is such that I do not see the U.S. allowing more immigrants to come in, in sufficient numbers, to make up the shortfall. The balance of power has been shifting to the workers and the pandemic didn’t cause that, but it did accelerate it. And because we can’t force people to have children, the demographic problem is not going to magically solve itself.
Anon
Preach!!!
Anon
Agree with all but one other doom and gloom item you failed to mention is the underfunding of social security. Once the boomers are through it, there won’t be much left for the rest of us. And the three options 1) raising contributions, 2) limiting benefits, 3) raising retirement age are something no politician wants to touch.
Anonymous
This. Amen. I’m virtually applauding.
Trixie
spot on, and perfect.
Anon
I’m a millennial and I wish that I could include this entire post in my email signature. I never considered myself to be part of a disaffected generation until I graduated and entered the workforce. I went to a great school and so I and many of my friends were able to land decent jobs, but “decent” doesn’t mean much more than “will allow you to support yourself and service your student loan debt.” It’s glaringly obvious who has access to family money among my friends, because it is mainly (although not exclusively) who can afford to live comfortably in the VHCOL city where we went to college, or can purchase a home with the sort of typical job that most of us seem to have. At my age, my parents were married with two children. I’ve been in a serious relationship for a decade, but that seems incredibly extravagant to me! :)
Anon
Thank you!!!
Thirty years ago, if you knocked its out of the park at work, you would be rewarded with pay and promotions (absent discrimination). Now that’s the requirement for even being paid. Enough of the one way ratchet.
Anon
I realize there is a segment of this group which does not want to hear from anyone over 40, but this was quite definitely not my experience when I entered the work place 30 years ago. Even back then we thought social security was not going to last and were bemoaning the demise of employer loyalty. Also, as a woman and a parent the “absent discrimination” was a huge exception. Because taking your (generally unpaid) maternity leave meant you were “demonstrating a lack of commitment” to your profession that meant you were never getting promoted.
I am not coming here to say that there are not specific issues facing people under 40 (particularly when it comes to student loans and housing prices), only that I think some of you are making incorrect assumptions about what the work world looked like in the 90s.
Anon
Agree. Also “absent discrimination” is a big conditional statement, and if we assume everyone reading here is a woman, it was a major, major factor for all of us who worked through the 90s.
Anon
I’m 38 and completely agree. Also the demise of pensions has been a thing since my parents’ generation. My 73 year old dad has one and was considered very lucky by his peers.
anonshmanon
you have put it so well. Adding to that the uncertainty of reaching retirement age at all (take your pick: lacking healthcare access, having lost peers in Iraq or Afghanistan, the climate crisis dialing up fires, storms, heatwaves, pandemics, or plain old gun violence), and you chose to not put off contentment until retirement age.
Anonymous
I agree with this. Until the pandemic my company was really old fashioned. Profit sharing for everyone, annual raises almost across the board, promotions as almost a matter of course, tons of days off, really reasonable expectations, ect. Most of that is gone now as a result of a new ceo.
5 days in an office is actually fine if you have plenty of days off, can always leave to pick up a sick kid and you only work 7 or 8 hours with an hour lunch break, everyone is pleasant, it’s an easy commute and no one is in danger of getting fired. I really think I had a job from the 1950s and it was a weird anomaly. 5 days a week billing hours at a law firm? yuck that is no life.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
THIS THIS THIS. Thank you so much.
XOXO
Burned Out Elder Millenial
anon
This + they can’t force you to have a kid but they are sure as shit trying to
anon
Oh geez yes. I was joking with one of the few women younger than me that we would have to make T-shirts to wear to the office saying we weren’t pregnant and to please stop asking us if we were.
Anon
I will start coming to work on my days off if there is free child care at work. Haha
Nudibranch
I will start coming to work on my days off if there is free child care at work. Haha
Anon
Do you tip for takeout orders and if so, how much? Pre-pandemic I rarely tipped for takeout (when I go pickup the food rather than have it delivered). When restaurants were not allowed to do indoor business, I tipped 20%. Since businesses shave returned to normal, I’ve reduced tips to 5-10% and am wondering what the norm is.
Anon
I never tip when I pick up an order.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I still tip 20%.
Anon
+1
NYNY
Yup. For delivery I tip 20% or $10, whichever is higher. If I’m picking up, 20%. If I’m eating in a restaurant, at least 25%, preferably in cash.
My approach to peri-pandemic spending is to put money into things that I want to continue to exist. So I’ll buy at a local store even if there’s a cheaper online way to do it. If I walk into a bookstore, I’m coming out with at least 2 books. And servers always, always are tipped well.
Anon
The norm is 20%
Anon
I am so not tipping 20% for takeout when that’s the norm for a sit down dinner. It’s much less work and time and I’m not taking up a table in the restaurant.
Anne-on
Seriously. I generally do 5-10% but I’m not tipping the hostess 20% when they already get paid a much higher wage than the waitstaff.
Anon
Then don’t, but norms have changed. And that was the question.
Anon
Norms haven’t changed, actually. A select group can claim that norms have changed but that doesn’t make it so.
Anon
Nobody is making you.
Anon
LOL, no it is not.
Anon
Yeah, posts like this are what’s turned me off from eating out at all. I stopped during the pandemic and haven’t really gone back. I can cook better, healthier meals at home and I find tipping culture to be such a turn off. Just pay your employees and tell us what it costs, don’t mess around with all these hidden fees and expectations about tipping. I’m all in favor of workers getting paid, but I think the price should be clear up front and employees shouldn’t be at the mercy of customer whims. It’s a recipe for harassment and exploitation.
Anon
I’ll tip maybe 5-10% for takeout and maybe $15-20% for delivery, but if I’m ordered more expensive food, I’m not tipping above $8 either way. It’s usually just me or me and my bf ordering food. During covid, there were times where I tipped 50% just to help keep my favorite restaurants in business.
Anon
“Etiquette” says you’re supposed to tip but I’ve always wondered why putting the packaged food into a bag is tip-worthy. I do max 10% assuming it’s a sit-down restaurant. For fast casual restaurants that include a tip option I ignore it.
Anne-on
As someone who worked as a hostess in college it’s etiquette because it’s making your front of house job more difficult (you need to take the order on the phone, put it in/then grab the order from the kitchen, check it, bag it up, etc.) as opposed to manning the phones/seating clients/etc. It’s not a huge burden but 5% was typical and 10% was generous, lots of people gave nothing.
Anonymous
Yes, between 15-20%. I’m not poor.
anon
This. I’m assuming that the extra cost for me is way less than the additional benefit to the hourly employees who get the tips.
Anon 2.0
I generally do not tip on takeout for the most part. The only exception I usually make is if I show up and ask for something else or do something that requires they do more than hand me the bag. (Asking for extra condiments they have to go get for example.)
FWIW, I truly believe tipping culture is out.of.control. No I am not tipping on coffee, a sandwich at a sub shop, any and all fast food, the donut shop etc. I tip waiters, hairstylists, nail techs, the guy driving the shuttle at the airport, etc.
N
+1 to all of these sentiments.
Anon
+1 businesses please pay your workers and appropriate wage and charge me more. How much your employees make should not be dependent on the randomness of whether a big tipper or a no tipper walked through the doors of your business.
I still tip in all of these places but it makes me angry on behalf of employees that their take home pay is dependent on tips!
Anon
I tip a couple bucks for takeout, but that’s usually much less than 20%.
Anon
I don’t get takeout much, but when I do, I tip 20%. My boyfriend used to work in restaurants, I can afford it, and I figure it’s just a nice thing to do for people who put up with a lot of craziness to provide a service I enjoy.
Betsy
Pre-Covid I tipped about $1 per item in the order. Now that online systems are set up for percentages I usually do 10%, but I am also a little unsure of what the new norm is.
txatty
I worked takeout for years when I was in high school and college from 2004 – 2012 and then again while I was in law school from 2015 – 2018 and tipping was definitely not the custom. Maybe it’s wildly changed but it wasn’t then. I usually don’t tip it’s just a single entree for me and simple. If it’s more complicated, I start tipping.
Anon
Yes, but slightly less than when I eat in store.
Closer to 15% take-out, 20% in restaurant.
Always at least $5 (eg. a pizza).
I feel strongly about this one. While take-out is very convenient and cheaper for us, the restaurants loose a lot of profit because people don’t usually buy drinks/alcohol (highest profit margin) or additional apps/deserts because that is done more often when you eat in.
It’s just about helping the restaurant survive, if you like it and want it to.
If you can’t afford it, don’t eat out.
Anon
I’m always amused at “if you can’t afford it, don’t eat out” when “it” is things like tipping 20% on a take out order.
You know that the response of many people (myself included) is to cook at home and the restaurant then gets 20% of $0. Be careful of what you wish for.
anon
Wait are you tipping $5 to pick up a pizza in store? As in you drive or walk yourself to the store and tip for pizza? Genuinely asking. I obviously tip for delivery but never for pizza take out.
Pizza always feels different as it’s ALWAYS to go at our local spots (or even Dominos!) vs. getting take out from a sit-down restaurant.
Anon
Sorry – not a store purchased pizza. A restaurant/take-out place.
I always get my pizza from the local owner-operated place, run by young kids who work fast and are lovely. Of course I always give those kids a $5 tip for my $20-30 pizza. ESPECIALLY if you are regular, you should give them some love! They always get it ready for my fast, hot and sometimes throw in a free cookie.
Anony
This never even crossed my mind until I read this post.
anon
I usually tip a couple of dollars at my favorite restaurants that do take out (not counter service/fast casual)
Anonymous
I typically tip something (but not nearly 20%, usually a couple bucks) at a restaurant if it is primarily a sit-down restaurant that I am getting takeout from. I don’t tip at like, a fast casual restaurant or the pizza place where takeout is their entire business model.
Anon
I don’t do a ton of restaurant level takeout but I tip about a dollar for a coffee that a barista had to make, and $2 for an alcoholic drink at a bar. The tip is for the labor involved in making it.
When I have picked up food it annoys me that they spin the iPad around to let you choose a tip and it starts at 15%, and anything less than that is “custom.”
Anon
Baristas are paid. I never even think to tip for coffee and get super annoyed at the auto reminder from my Starbucks app. I also don’t tip for takeout that I pick up, no matter the level of the restaurant. Tipping is for service. I place takeout orders online at restaurants. What is the service being offered other than cooking my meal?
Anon
Just in case anyone doesn’t know this, drivers for delivery services like Door Dash and Instacart live on tips alone. They might get $1-2 per trip no matter how long from the app, sometimes less. They’re “independent contractors” so minimum wage laws don’t apply.
France Recs
Any recommendations for restaurants or things to do in the Champagne region in France? Traveling with my mom and sister there next month, and we’re trying to plan a low key couple of days. Thank you!
Anon
I haven’t been – but I’m a Champagne aficionado and two producers I love that have estates you can visit (and that you may not be familiar with):
-Champagne Jacquesson (just a few kilometers north of Eperney)
-Francis Orban (17 kilometers west of Epernay)
Enjoy your trip!!
Sunflower
Definitely go on the tour at Moët & Chandon. Tours are available in English. They take you underground to see the largest champagne caves in the world and there are champagne tastings available at the end of the tour.
https://www.moet.com/en-us/visit-us
If you have any history buffs in the group, I recommend reading Wine and War by Donald Kladstrup before you go. It’s “the remarkable untold story of France’s courageous, clever vinters who protected and rescued the country’s most treasured commodity from German plunder during World War II.”
Cat
I cannot recommend Cris-Event highly enough for tastings at small vineyards. We had 4 tastings with them and then toured the “big guys” (Veuve etc) and the small producers were so much better.
https://www.cris-event.fr/en/
Cat
Stuck bc I included a link but I cannot recommend Cris-Event highly enough for tastings at small vineyards. We had 4 tastings with them and then toured the “big guys” (Veuve etc) and the small producers were so much better.
MJ
Hi–France’s wine tasting is different than that in the US–there are not a ton of wineries that are set up for you to just wander at their estate winery and pay a tasting fee, mostly because much of champagne is growers that sell their wine onward to big champagne houses. So you do need to book a small tour if you want to taste in or near vineyards, as opposed to at the larger champagne houses, which have tasting rooms in Reims, Epernay and a few other towns.
I recommend you base yourself in Reims for a few days, and then in Epernay for a few days. Both are easy without a car (fast train runs between them and Paris).
You should tour a cave in Epernay. There are several, but we really liked Ruinart.
And then do a tour, as another suggested, where you can go visit recoltant-manipulant (grower-producers) who do make wine on-site. You will figure out what styles of champagne you like better, whether drier or sweeter, more age on lees or not, or rose!
Reims (pronounced Rance) has a few really special museums and the cathedral is impressive to tour (you can take a tour of the rooftop of the cathedral and see all of Champagne–it was really gorgeous–plan for this by figuring out times in advance). The medieval museum right next to the cathedral is also stunning. Reims also has some really lovely restaurants. Recommend you book somewhere near the cathedral in the older part of town–very charming.
Epernay has a “Champagne Street” where all of the huge corporate champagne growers have their offices and there are a lot of tasting rooms that you can toddle up and down. Recommend just wandering and trying a lot of champagne. Epernay is larger and more modern, but is still fun.
Also look up Champange MOOC – it’s a free multi-part online course that will teach you a lot about champagne before you go, put on by the region of growers itself.
And I also recommend you pace yourself. We drank a lot of champagne in a few days. When it’s hot in France, it goes down easy. Have fun
JLW
I really enjoyed Reims in 2019, Veuve Cliquot gave a pretty good tour (tix in advance) and we also walked into Champagne GH Martel & Co. The cathedral Notre Dame de Reims was great too (if you are into that sort of thing)…it can be a great pit stop if it’s hot, or pouring rain. No restaurant recos, sorry. We didn’t make it to Epernay but really wanted to! Enjoy!
Anon
No recs, but what a fun mother-sister trip!
Lash boosters?
Is there any product to boost lash growth that *doesn’t* have some odd side effect? I’ve read that Latisse (and maybe others) cause strange pigmentation problems and exacerbate hollowing around the eyes. I’m in perimenopause and my lashes have become increasingly sparse. I’d love to find a way to thicken them up, but not at the expense of other problems!
Alternatively, can anyone recommend a really good thickening, lengthening mascara for sad thin little lashes? Thanks!
Anon
FYI – most people’s eyelashes don’t get sparce quickly in menopause. If yours do, carefully look at your eyebrows and front hairline. If your brows are thinning (especially at the ends/tips) and your hairline is “walking backwards”, get to a dermatologist that is an expert in hair ASAP. You may have a different type of hair loss (that often starts in perimenopause) that is slightly less common, but has a potential treatment. It is called frontal fibrosing alopecia. I have this, and I ignored it initially thinking it was inevitable with aging. Turns out it isn’t…. and even worse… if you don’t treat it you can loose your eyebrows and lashes and slowly go bald (!).
Anonymous Grouch
I think this falls somewhere in the “home remedies / old-wives-tales” category, but I put a drop of castor oil on a disposable spoolie brush and brush it on my lashes a couple of times a week. My lashes do seem thicker and longer when I do this consistently.
Anonymous
I like the Perricone No Mascara mascara, it is supportive of lash retention, without any scary chemicals.
Anon
There are a lot of lash serums now that don’t include prostaglandins (the stuff that’s in Latisse that turns your lids red, possibly discolors the Iris.) Most of the second generation lash serums are peptide based and have few side effects.
I’m using a peptide serum now and not really noticing any improvement though. It can take 6 weeks and I’m about 3 in.
When I used Latisse the results were amazing. Yes I had pink eyelids but my lashes were so long and full I was considering trimming them.
Anonymous
I like RevitaLash; it’s worked best out of all the over the counter products I’ve tried. I do get a little bit of discoloration along the lash line but nothing that noticeable.
Anonymous
Also for mascara I like the Milani anti-gravity mascara. In the hot inferno where I live, I have to have a tubing mascara and this one does a good job on my lashes. Taylor Margaret is a YouTuber (also on IG) who did an excellent review of mascaras and this is where I got the recommendation.
Free Breakfast at Dishoom!
Will you be visiting London soon and want breakfast at Dishoom? DH and I did a good deed while we were eating dinner there last week and were given two vouchers for free breakfast (weekdays only). We wanted to use them but didn’t have time before we left for our next destination. The cards have a QR code to register them online. I don’t know exactly how they work, but I would be happy to send them along. I only went to dinner there because of the recommendations of this group and I want to pay that forward. Respond to this with an email. One per person.
Anon
This is so nice of you! And I would totally take you up on it if I were going to London soon—Dishoom breakfast is DIVINE.
Viddy
Yes please! Viddyb@gmail.com
Rizza
I’m going to London next month and would love to be considered. Email is rizza.gonzales at gmail.com. Even if you don’t pick me, it’s awesome that you’re passing it along.
Free Breakfast at Dishoom!
I’m so glad you can use them. Dinner was great and I am sure breakfast will be too.
anon
I am failing at finding a stadium-approved “small clutch.” i.e. I need to replace my very small purse that fits within the limits for a non-clear bag at stadiums (e.g. 6.5x4x2 or 7x5x1 inches). Why isn’t this more readily accessible? Does anyone have a recommendation? Budget is $100 or less and I’d like leather or “vegan” leather.
Anon
Clutches that small don’t exist much because phones are the same size or bigger now.
Check Rothy’s or just use a makeup bag, at that size!
Anon
Get a wallet on a chain.
Anon
Just get a small bag, they aren’t taking out rulers.
Moose
Yeah, if you’re in the general area you’re fine.
Eager Beaver
My local stadium is notorious for measuring, so I wouldn’t risk having something bigger. I just got a clear bag with a strap in my team’s colors. Does it look silly? Yes. Do I use it for any other purpose? No. Was it less than $15? Yes. Was it worth not worrying about having to go back to my car and schlep my keys and wallet in my pocket? Absolutely.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B21WSYR9/ref=syn_sd_onsite_desktop_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1&pd_rd_plhdr=t
Trish
Yes, they are taking out rulers.
anon
Yes, they absolutely are using rulers. Our stadiums have a ruler on posterboard and hold your bag up to it.
Used this at Taylor Swift in Tampa, it is not cute but got in no problem. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09CSGXQVP/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
I wouldn’t risk this.
Moose
This looks like it would work: https://www.portlandleathergoods.com/products/mesa-mini-crossbody?variant=39915960303698
Anon
That is so cute!
Vicky Austin
My mom LOVES her purse from Portland Leather Goods! (And this is a woman who made a decade-plus-long ritual out of going through the J C Penney purse selection after taking us shopping for school clothes, finding something wrong with every one, and eventually sighing and giving up. We still tease her about it.)
anonypotamus
Sadly, in my experience that would be too big – at least at the stadiums I frequent, they literally measure your bag and if it’s over even a smidge, you can’t bring it in. My chanel wallet on chain measures 4.9″ x 7.5″ x 1.4 and I had to check it when I tried to bring it in.
Anonymous
Amazon has a bunch, not sure of exact dimensions.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=stadium+purse&ref=nb_sb_noss
ollie
I just got the Madewell Leather Carabiner Mini Crossbody for this purpose – it’s a crossbody not a clutch, but fits the size limit and has several fun colors for under $100.
Anon
Get the clear bag. I have one just for stadiums. It’s not cute but it’s what everyone else is carrying.
Anonymous
I have a clear bag too and swapped out the strap for a really cute one and it’s worked out well. I appreciate having the extra room to carry a water bottle. If you have a to get a small bag, get one of those belt bags. I got a good one similar to the LuLumon for a much better price. I resisted those for a long time but after trying it out I appreciate the functionality.
Anon traveler
Question for travel experts. We have a red eye to Europe coming up in a couple of weeks out of Newark. Per the United app I can buy access to the United lounge for $50 each for our flight. Then I googled it and saw that lots of day passes get refused entry due to capacity. Does anyone know if those passes are different from the pass that’s sold and attached to our specific flight? I don’t want to spend $150 and then it be able to use it. Thank you!
Anon
For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s much point to paying for lounge access unless you have a long layover.
OP
We’ll likely be there 4 hours because we’re coming from 2 1/2 hours away and I like to pad driving time. We don’t mind arriving early especially if we can relax in comfy chairs and have some snacks. Vacation starts for me once I’m through security at the airport!
Anon
This would not be even close to worth it for 4 hours for me. There are comfy chairs and snacks in the non-lounge parts of the airport too.
Anon
Not enough time to be worth it, imo.
Anon
Have you been to a United club before? I’m not trying to be snarky, but they’re really not that nice and there’s nothing they offer that you can’t buy elsewhere in the airport for a lot less than $150. If you have more money than you know what to do with, I’d buy business class or premium plus tickets way before I’d buy lounge access.
Anon
I think you maybe disappointed with the snack selection, but if you want to try out a lounge it seems like as good a time as any.
Anon
You’d be buying a day pass, although I think if you’re unable to use it at all, you may be able to get a refund. But either way, I would not do this. The Newark United club at Terminal C is nice and new, but it’s still just a basic airline club. There’s a coffee bar and some light snacks but nothing that’s worth anywhere near $50 per person. For that price you can go have a nice meal in a sit down restaurant.
Anon
Newark actually has nice restaurants now in the United Terminals. I’d rather spend my bucks on those and relax there.
Anonymous
There is no point to doing this. Just get a meal in the airport and sit at a gate.
Cat
That is a day pass, not some special flight-attached deal. Unless you’re going to be drinking lots of c-cktails (and that is a bad idea before a long flight anyway!) I wouldn’t bother.
Anon
+1 I have a club membership through my credit card and enjoy it, but realistically you’re not going to recoup the cost of a club visit unless you’re having many, many cocktails. The food offered in the standard clubs is just not that substantial or special.
anon
Get the Mileage Plus credit card ($95 annual fee, don’t know if it’s waived in the first year) and enjoy two free lounge passes? Can’t say if you’ll get the card/passes in time though.
Or get a card with Priority Pass membership and enjoy a different lounge, if there are any good ones at Newark with PP membership.
Anon
I’m pretty sure those passes have the same issue as the day pass where they’re often refused because the club is at capacity. Also sounds like they’re a party of 3 and even if the third person is a kid two passes wouldn’t be enough. Airlines have gotten really strict recently about parents bringing in kids – the kids will need their own pass unless they’re under 2.
Minneapolis
Hotel recs for Minneapolis/St. Paul? Eliot Park, Rand Tower, Emery, the W, and the JW by Mall of America are all available. I‘ll be there for the courthouse in STP, not the mall; happy to drive farther if it’s a great hotel, but not sure how to narrow. Would also love any restaurant recs. TIA!
Anon
The Omni at Viking Lakes.
brokentoe
I’m partial to St. Paul, especially if that’s where you’ll be working – downtown Mpls or MOA locations are not that close by and with traffic would not be fun. For a cool boutique hotel, look at the Davidson on Summit Avenue https://www.thedavidsonstpaul.com/ – it’s a former mansion in a beautiful walkable neighborhood with several great restaurants nearby: W.A. Frost, Moscow on the Hill, Handsome Hog, Red Cow, La Grolla, the Gnome, etc. Or you can go over to Grand Avenue (also nearby) and hit Hyacinth. Summit Avenue in St. Paul has the longest contiguous stretch of Victorian-era architecture in the US with 373 of the original 440 home on a 5 mile stretch of parkway that starts at the Cathedral of St. Paul and the Capitol and runs to the Mississippi River. https://www.visitsaintpaul.com/blog/summit-avenue-history-the-story-of-saint-pauls-famous-street/
JoJo
Welcome in advance! The St. Paul Hotel is an icon and closer to where you need to be, if it’s available. (Data point: it’s where presidents and presidential candidates stay.) Of your list, I would vote for Emery just based on Guilia, their restaurant. In Minneapolis, I’d also recommend Hotel Ivy, which has a great spa — I have stayed there for a staycation. I don’t go out to eat often enough to have current recs on other restaurants. But I’m excited to see what others say!
Anon
Agree. St. Paul Hotel is your best bet. It’s a beautiful hotel, near a park, walkable to the courthouse, and near lots of great restaurants. If you have time, St. Paul Chamber Orchestra is the most affordable professional orchestra in the country and their performance space is across the street.
An.On.
I saw the Celeste recommended by someone but I haven’t stayed there myself. It looks like it’s only a 10 min walk to the courthouse though.
Vicky Austin
Pinch of Yum lives in Mpls and has this! https://pinchofyum.com/twin-cities-restaurant-guide
Anon
Minneapolis and St Paul are actually pretty far apart, and the STP federal courthouse is in Lowertown, in not the main area of STP. As a rule, when traveling for court, I stay as close as possible to the courthouse. I don’t want to get stuck in traffic and be stressed out before a hearing in an unfamiliar city. There are plenty of fine (not great or fun or boutique but fine) hotels within walking distance of the court. Then the night before and after court you can drive or Uber wherever for fun! Just my two cents.
Anon
Is anyone else fascinated by the submersible rescue operation for the folks lost in Ocean near the Titanic? I think because I loved the movie “Abyss” when I was a little kid….anyway, following to see whether these people can be saved, and how.
Cb
Obviously the likely loss of life is a tragedy, but they must have known the risk in what seems to be an experimental craft?
I also feel really uncomfortable with the attention given to a few rich dudes versus the hundreds that died off the coast of Greece last week, and continue to die on a daily basis.
Anon
Me too.
Anonymous
I think this kind of risky adventure travel that is likely to result in an expensive rescue should be illegal.
Anon
At a bare minimum, require a bond for estimated costs of the rescue attempt before launch.
Anne-on
This. This was an experimental craft that was operating for profit with little concern (apparently) for safety/failsafes. I do feel sorry for the people on board but using this much time and manpower to locate people stupid enough to spend millions on a personally created submersible with so little oversight is rubbing me the wrong way.
Anon
Preach.
Cb
We have an issue in Scotland with people climbing mountains in unsafe conditions/without the necessary skills and equipment and there’s an enormous outlay of resources to rescue them. While it feels callous and obviously we can’t leave people up there, if you are climbing a mountain in flip flops, should someone have to risk their life rescuing you?
Senior Attorney
I was just gonna say I feel the same way about this submarine thing as I do about mountain climbing — that it is a ridiculously dangerous rich-people thing and I have a hard time working up a whole lot of sympathy for people who get hurt or killed doing it.
Vicky Austin
Or imagine if Jeff Bezos had had to be rescued at great cost from that space flight he took a couple years ago. I would not have felt charitably about that.
anonshmanon
I believe New Zealand has that issue a lot, and they generally invoice the cost to either the traveler or the home country.
Anon
If this was Jeff bezos I would absolutely want the search and rescue costs to be billed to him!
Anne-on
In Colorado/VT I’ve seen signs on the mountains that advise that IF a team is even available for a needed rescue, that you will be billed for the cost of their time/helicopter usage/etc. Which I think is totally fair and should be the policy everywhere!
Anon
also, i might reading too much into what the CEO kept saying about the extra oxygen, but the fact that he kept giving a range of how much oxygen they had made me think it either (1) wasn’t completely refilled before the trip, or (2) they honestly don’t know how much oxygen they had on board.
anon
No, the range is due to the unpredictability in human respiratory rates and changes in pressure. It’s not something indicating the CEO is being negligent.
Anonymous
As an Apollo nerd what I want to know is are they going to have a CO2 issue before they run out of oxygen?
Anon
10:48 commenter here. I fully agree. Millions of dollars are being spent and any humans involved in the rescue are risking their lives. It sounds cold but how many resources should we put into saving five people who knew the very real risks?
ArenKay
Agree completely with this, and Cb’s point about the refugees.
Anon
Well said, CB.
Anon
It’s human nature, although it is really sad. The same thing happens every time we spend 3 million on cancer treatment for one child but refuse to invest in, say, a vaccine program that would save the lives of 100,000 children.
Anon
I think it’s different with children and this is not an apt example. The child didn’t choose to have cancer. How callous. We should do both.
Anon
Yes, of course we should. But we consistently don’t. This is a topic that is often discussed in ethics and social science classes.
Anon
I think the “they’re rich and that’s why we care” narrative is off base. The fascination I think is driven by the fact that it is a real time rescue and we have no idea how it will end but a good outcome will be miraculous and will happen or not in a very short timeframe, deep sea exploration is inherently fascinating and somewhat scary, new technology that most people didn’t know about is involved, the idea of being stuck deep deep deep underwater running out of oxygen in a tiny craft hits a lot of people’s deepest fears, and it’s associated with visiting the Titanic, which a lot of people are already fascinated by. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t focus more attention on larger scale tragedies but I don’t think the interest in this case is “there are rich folks who are in trouble.” Nor do I think it’s accurate to say everyone on that boat was just looking for a thrill / engaged in irresponsible rich people stuff – for example the British guy is an accomplished explorer with actual records in undersea exploits including at the Mariana Trench and the French guy is a recognized expert in his field and on the Titanic with numerous dives under his belt.
Anon
Agreed.
Vicky Austin
Well said, although I still think it’s a good reminder that the most exciting news stories are not necessarily the most important ones. “Human interest,” to use a news term, is fickle.
Anon
+1. I also don’t want to be the kind of person who sneers when rich people die. They’re still people. Not that I’m a saint – I’ll do a cartwheel if I hear that Trump dies. But it won’t be because he’s rich.
Anon
BRB need to learn how to do cartwheels.
Anon
Agreed that there are interesting aspects to this, other than the “rich people in need of rescue” story.
I do think they took a known risk and sometimes things go bad, and with the above point about there should be some type of bond or something for the cost of the rescue mission. However, the idea of dying the way they have or likely will gives me nightmares. It’s just so absolutely unbelievably awful, and makes me so sad just to think about.
Anon
I’m fascinated by the story because paying $200k to cram myself into a sea vessel the size of a minivan (according to the NYT) with four other people, and descending thousands of feet to the ocean floor to look at the wreck of a ship (couldn’t they just watch videos on YouTube to see what the thing looks like?) seems unbelievably stupid to me, and also is the stuff of my nightmares: I don’t like small enclosed spaces, I don’t like being physically close to strangers, and I don’t like the idea of being in the deep ocean, thousands of feet from the surface. What these people paid to do is something I don’t think I could be paid enough to do – hundreds of millions might be enough, but nothing below that, and I would have to take enough Xanax to kill a horse – and now the whole thing has gone horribly awry. I am both sympathetic to the passengers and their families and also completely fascinated/horrified that this is how a rich person would choose to spend their money.
anon.
I am, and the subreddit r/Titanic is fascinating, because a lot of these people are very tuned into the company and the wreckage before this. Sorry/ not sorry for your rabbit hole today!
Anon
Check out “Underwater” if you like the genre.
I doubt they can be saved. The logistics of figuring out where the Titan is located, getting a suitable rescue craft to the drop point at the surface, descending thousands of feet, locating the Titan once the rescue craft is submerged, successfully attaching whatever cables to the Titan, towing it to the surface, and opening the hatch all before they run out of air tonight…unlikely. The Coast Guard deflected when asked if a deep water rescue was possible.
Even if the Titan failsafe systems kicked in and it started ascending they still need to locate it in time. The OceanGate geniuses painted it blue and white, which is camouflage in open water. I also read that the Titan may not breech the surface and could be floating somewhere underneath the surface, making it visually invisible to planes.
Anon
That is assuming it is intact.
Good point re: painting it blue and white. Orange would have been better. I get the feeling that they didn’t have a lot of redundant safety designs.
Anon
It makes me so sad that I’m trying to not pay attention.
Vicky Austin
I’m thoroughly spooked. I read the Dear America Titanic diary as a kid and had nightmares for weeks (it wasn’t even that graphic!). This is like that all grown up.
If you are fascinated enough to want more though, you may enjoy Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant. Modern Mrs. Darcy featured it on a list of “horror novels for wimps” and I, despite still being that kid who got nightmares from reading Dear America of all things, did actually enjoy it.
Anon
I would not have taken that thing to the bottom of a swimming pool, much less the North Atlantic.
Is deep-sea exploration the new climbing Everest? An expensive, needlessly dangerous thing for rich people to do?
I feel so bad for the kid.
Anon
Same re the kid. In some ways, at this point since rescue seems unlikely, I hope that it was a catastrophic failure that happened early on, rather than a prolonged period of suffering for that kid. I feel like the other folks went in with a far better understanding of the risks. It seems like the father/son duo were doing rich people tourism.
Reading some accounts from other people who have gone in the past, it really sounds like this operation was not great from a safety standpoint.
Anonymous
+1, that child. The adults assumed the risk but that poor child….
Anon
The child was 19, so not exactly unable to make their own decisions.
Anonymous
He’s 19.
Anon
OMG he’s not a child, he’s an adult. I feel sad for him and his family, but let’s not blow this out of proportion.
Anon
https://newrepublic.com/post/173802/missing-titanic-sub-faced-lawsuit-depths-safely-travel-oceangate
Anon
I’ve actually dived in a submersible (though one with much better safety protocols) and you basically take for granted that if something goes really wrong at the bottom of the ocean, it’s very unlikely you can be saved. It’s just very difficult to do anything in the deep ocean, there isn’t a lot of equipment that can operate there, and it’s unlikely to be nearby. And that’s assuming that there wasn’t a catastrophic failure to begin with. There’s a reason why almost all ocean science is done by robots. It’s basically just self indulgent to send people.
Anon 2.0
I am! I have so many mixed feelings about the situation – I think we as a society are fascinated because why do people who seemingly “have it all”, i.e money, want to get into an experimental tube and drop into the depths of the ocean?
I hope they are found alive but the chances seem to be quite slim at this point. In addition, apparently it is riveted shut from the outside?? So even if they do emerge from the depths there is still no way to access oxygen.
Anonymous
That’s exactly why I’m fascinated!!! Seems insane to me.
Anon
I’m annoyed with this story being such front-page news. This is the f^ck around and find out graph, and it annoys me that 5 rich people spending hundreds of thousands to go see the Titanic gets more news than hundreds of migrants dying in the mediterranean just trying to get to a better place. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/jun/15/greece-refugee-shipwreck-rescuers-scour-sea-for-survivors
anon
+1
Why in the world would anyone do this?
Anon
There are a lot of complexities to this situation, but I always feel sad when adventurers of any stripe die. There’s something poignant about taking a huge risk to see something few people in this world will ever see and have it not work out. I was devastated when a female adventurer I have followed for many years died in the Himalaya last year.
Anon
As a surfer, sailor and open water swimmer, I have what I feel to be a very healthy respect and fear of the ocean. You have to understand that this water can kill you.
These individuals clearly do not…
Anon
I think people this rich tend to think of themselves as immortal.
Anonymous
It takes a giant ego and a total disregard for risk to found a tech company and make a gazillion dollars. Same to decide to go on such a risky adventure.
Anon
These individuals include a renowned diving expert with decades of experience and an explorer with extensive experience with deep sea exploration. These aren’t dilettantes who don’t understand or respect the ocean and it’s incredibly offensive to just write them off as dilettantes who just decided to throw money at some trip they didn’t understand.
Anon
+1.
Anon
No, if you really understand the ocean you’d never go on this trip.
Anon
Because renowned maritime experts surely don’t have as much wisdom as the commentariat here…
Anon
Well as a member of the commentariat here I can tell you how dumb it is to undertake a voyage like this without a beacon.
Anon
Well, that I can agree with. Also, why couldn’t there be a super long tether to the service ship, like in SNUBA?
anonish
The sub was controlled by a Gameboy controller. Maybe not a dilettante, but an egotistical cheapskate?
Anon
+1 yeah there were clearly a LOT of problems with this company and other people saw them. They got sued several times, and had several employees quit after their safety concerns were ignored. I think this CEO is kind of the Elizabeth Holmes of the ocean.
Anon
This is such a rich person problem. Each day, thousands are dying in horrible conditions everywhere and no one cares. Obviously sorry for the submarine guys but they knew the risks.
Clara
I think I need to improve my executive presence. I’m in my first real manager role, with a team of 3 under me. I’ve managed 1-2 people before, but it was in consulting so it was a bit different. I’m in my late 20s, and other people in similar roles at my company are in their mid-to-late 30s.
I’m not having imposter syndrome, I know that while of course I have a lot to learn I’m well-suited to manage and have been naturally inclined to do so. I’ve gotten good feedback from people who reported to or were junior to me in situations in which they absolutely did not have to give me any feedback (when I was leaving, then they had left etc).
I just sometimes still feel like “little girl in a big girl suit”, for lack of a better way to describe it. I know I feel like I have better presence when I dress up a little bit more, and when I am more thoughtful about how I speak. Any suggestions?
Anon
I think more confidence is just going to come with time, frankly.
Anon
As a professional who now reports to someone less experienced and also younger than I, please don’t try to camouflage your inexperience by insisting that you know everything and are always right. We expect you to be learning, and you will have much more credibility, buy-in and engagement if you are transparent about what you know, what you don’t know but are figuring out and what others may be able to provide intel about. Signed, We Could Have Had A Better Working Relationship, If Only . . .
Clara
I’m definitely transparent about what I don’t know/am figuring out and very open to input! The person who is older than me is definitely very interested in being an individual contributor, not at all in management, so I think that also makes a difference.
What would you have liked your boss to do?
Anon
Not tell me “you’re wrong” when I invite us to consider XY or Z. Not ask for my input and then ignore it – every time – without even acknowledging something like “your input was valuable because it helped me conclude that the way I had planned to do it all along is the right choice.” Not cut me off from communicating with long-time clients/colleagues because “that communication should be at my level” and then either ask my advice and pass it off as their own or be surprised and angry when people tell me stuff anyway. Already you seem far more self-aware than what we are dealing with, so I expect you won’t do any of this stuff. /vent over/
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. I ended up in a weird situation where I was managing a team member who had once been my boss. I made it clear that I needed and valued his input and experience. I treated him as a mentor and would go to him frequently for advice. I didn’t always do things his way, but the discussions were always very helpful.
Anon
plus one thousand
JD
Do you have access to Linkedin Learning? They have so many self-learn resources, including specifically executive presence. You could also look into training for managing up. Maybe it’s not your interactions with your team but with other teams/leadership that you need more confidence in. I think the videos are a good starting point. A lot of the content may be obvious, but it gives you a foundation. After that, make a practice of intentionally practicing a new skill/method each month. (I don’t to be honest, but that’s the advice I hear from people very focused on their own growth)
Anon
Suggestions for hair mousse, please?
Recently had my curly, frizzy and otherwise unruly hair straightened with the “Magic Sleek” keratin treatment. It now air dries basically straight, which I consider a miracle.
But I am dealing with a phenomenon that is new to me: hair that is limp and could use some lift at the crown and flyaway and could use some “stick-together-ness” toward the ends. Lotions don’t help, so I thought mousse might.
Anon
Suave in the pink can. It works better and is less crunchy than many other way more expensive mousses. Trust. I am a curly gal and I’ve tried them all!
Anon
Please tell me more about this keratin treatment. I have curly, unruly hair too.
Anon
OP here. Search for “magic sleek.” It is the formaldehyde-free one. Unlike the Japanese treatment (which is permanent, so you have a line as your hair grows marking the pre- and post-treatment hair), it is one of the keratin treatments (Brazilian is another one) that gradually wear off. Unclear how long it will last before I have to do it again, but so far highly recommend. Not cheap and bring a book because you will be in the salon for several hours. My stylist and I both wore N95 (ear loop) masks, we ran a tower HEPA filter and my stylist has an industrial-style HEPA filter that is kind of like a vacuum cleaner: it has a funnel shaped head that you can adjust to put near the client’s hair so that it sucks up the fumes as the stylist activates the treatment with the flat iron. We could see the fumes being sucked up into the funnel, and it was pretty impressive. I have asthma, and I had zero issues at the time or since.
Anonymous
I never got my keratin-treated hair to get any lift, I think the limp roots are a feature, not a bug.
Anon!
I have used Innersense’s “I create volume” mousse to style my hair straight or curly and it works great
Anon
Not the OP, but I think that this is a fair point to consider (not for any outcome, but it’s a non-insignificant input, like having one kid be special needs, etc.). Also, with the age differences, if you put the older kid through college and then die and the other kids split things 50-50, the younger kids maybe haven’t been to college yet and their 50% share, which is reduced after accounting for older kid’s college, has to then be used for college. So you may want to do the split after equalizing for a lump sum for college with such a big age gap. J
Early perimenopause?
I’m 36 and I think I’m in perimenopause. My periods are 18-21 days apart, I’ve gained +10lbs in the last year, night sweats, cholesterol is up, etc. This is unusual for my family (mom had twins naturally at 38) so I’m in the dark. Has anyone experienced this, and do you have any advice? Did you try HRT?
Anon
Please see a gyn and reproductive endocrinologist ASAP. They can help!
And read the menopause manifesto.
Early perimenopause?
I should add that I’m childfree so that’s not a concern, but I hadn’t thought about seeing an endocrinologist, so thank you!
Anon
Same boat. I’m 38 now but my symptoms started a couple years ago. My OB seemed to think it was normal and nothing to do, and she said that beginning perimenopause in your 30s doesn’t mean you’re going to go through actual menopause super early. Apparently the peri stage can last for 15 years! The short cycles are so annoying – I’m either bleeding or PMSing almost all the time.
Anon
Quitting drinking took care of 99% of my night sweats. Once my periods got to that short interval, I was OVER it and visited my gyn. I had my hysterectomy last year and should have done it a few years earlier. I had severe endometriosis and the difference in my quality of life (for the better) is amazing.
Vicky Austin
On alcohol and night sweats – I’m not in the menopausal phase of my life, but in college I noticed that drinking right before my period often resulted in what felt an awful lot like a hot flash at night. No actual sweat, just the sudden, intense feeling of overheating. Not drinking for the few days before my period completely eliminated it.
Anony
36 is very early for perimenopause, so although it could be that, it is likely something else. See a doctor.
Anonymous
I’ll echo see a doctor. I’m 52 and in the last 5 months my cycles have been 14-21 days apart. I feel like I’m always premenstrual or menstrual. Cramps are absolutely awful and my mood is horrible. I also have the weight gain and for the first time in my life, I’m unable to lose weight. I have a new doc who ran a bunch of tests and did scans to make sure nothing else was going on. I’m on a short course of BC pills to get my cycle more regulated and then I will switch to HRT. It’s early days but I’m relieved to have a treatment plan and a doctor who listens to me. Find a doc who listens to you.
Anon
I don’t understand this – these are completely normal menopause symptoms and you’re a very normal age for menopause. I can see why it’s concerning when perimenopause symptoms start in your mid-30s, but why would you need HRT in your early 50s? 50-something women are supposed to be going through menopause.
Anonymous
Low dose HRT to control symptoms is a common and reasonable way to make menopause easier. 50-something women may be supposed to be going through menopause, but that doesn’t mean they have to suffer through it when we have options. A small dose of hormones to counteract cramps and weight gain is better for you than frequent painkillers and getting progressively heavier for however long it takes.
Anonymous
Thank you. Yes. I was trying to white knuckle it through but I’m at the point where I want to make changes to improve my quality of life. To anon 1:39, if you are in your early 50s and your perimenopause symptoms are manageable and you don’t need or want to be on HRT—good for you! But don’t judge me for wanting some relief. You have no idea what I’m experiencing beyond what I’ve shared here.
Anon
Just because you are going through it, doesn’t mean you should suffer through it. This isn’t the dark ages. Women need to teach each other what we are missing, when our doctors let us down.
Some women are lucky lucky and don’t have many perimenopausal symptoms. Or they are on hormones/OCPs that mask their early symptoms of menopause and don’t realize it is happening. Not the case for many women other women.
For me, my migraine frequency is skyrocketing, I gained 10 lbs and a belly in 1 year on an unchanged diet. The hot flashes make me want to take off my top throughout the day, and I wake up 2-3 times a night with night sweats, then wake up again when I get too cold. So my sleep is poor, which makes headaches worse, which makes my attention/thinking worse (or do I have cognitive changes with perimenopause?). My vag is dry as the desert, I cry at commercials, and my eyes are so dry it’s like tearing off my eyelids some mornings when I wake up.
I will start HRT this week. For me, I am most interested in stopping the night sweats and getting sleep. I pray the headaches will then decrease, and my mood swings will stabilize. And as an added bonus, HRT will protect me from more rapid progression of bone loss/osteoporosis, slow my progression of osteoarthritis, decrease my colon cancer risk (which runs in my family) and more.
HRT can have tons of benefits, especially if done early in perimenopause. Don’t miss out. Talk with your doctor about the risks/benefits. If your doctor is dismissive, and if they don’t talk through specifics about your family history / personal history of breast cancer, cardiovascular disease, and blood clots, they aren’t experienced enough. Get a second opinion.
Anon
I think this is great advice. Why suffer when treatments exist?
I hope HRT goes as well for you as I’m hoping it will go for me!
Anon
First, see your PCP and ask, as there can be other causes that should be excluded. If your PCP dismisses you, aee a GYN with a specific interest in menopause and ask for advice.
If it is peri-, sometimes starting a birth control pill can improve symptoms.
Early perimenopause?
Thanks, all. I did recently (~4 mos ago) have bloodwork done and everything was fine except for the cholesterol. The weight gain, night sweats, and irritability have been going on a while but it didn’t click until my periods got so short. I appreciate everyone’s advice – I’ll try to get into a gyn soon.
Anon
My sister went into menopause at 39 and I did so at 52. There can be enormous variances within the family. I wouldn’t lean too much on that.
Anon
I think women in perimenopause are more likely to have twins, so maybe you’re not the odd one out. Definitely worth seeing a gyn or endocrinologist, though.
Anon
I’m 35 and dealt with super irregular periods for a while that turned out to be stress and life-related. Things later went back to normal. I would see a doctor to rule other things out, esp with your thyroid, which could affect the symptoms you mentioned. That said, perimenopause can indeed start many years ahead for some women. You might look to the work of Dr. Jen Gunter or Dr. Mary Claire Haver. Estrogen loss is correlated with dementia risk, and the gold standard for HRT is to start during perimenopause rather than wait to menopause to preserve brain function. Birth control can somewhat mask symptoms, but the forms of estrogen in birth control are different.
Anonymous
Low stakes question for today: do you carry your crossbody in front, or behind you? I feel like this may go along city/suburb lines – I started carrying it in front to avoid pickpockets on the subway.
Cat
In front, both for ease of access and security. City dweller.
Anon
In front and hadn’t really ever considered wearing it in back as it is not secure there. Rural dweller. Distrustful rural dweller, apparently.
Senior Attorney
In front, for ease of access, for security, and to make sure I’m not bumping people and objects with it.
NYCer
Definitely in front.
Anon
100% in front. I live in a city.
Anon
In front for ease of access. I’d never really thought of carrying a crossbody in back, except maybe to move it aside momentarily if it was in the way of something I’m doing.
Anom
In the back for convenience. Suburban dweller in major metro area. With elementary aged kids. When I go into the city, I’ll wear in front or use a backpack.
Anon
Do you mean like a fanny pack kind of cross body? Front. I can’t imagine how I would wear a cross body purse (not fanny pack) in the back anyway.
anon2
Outlier – back. I live in the ‘burbs. I hate having in the front!
Anon
Front, because I use a wheelchair.
Anonymous
Inspired by the equitable question above, what have other parents done with 529s when the state has a general per year max, not a per-person yearly max? For example, NY. First son got the full $10K until second son was born, then I started splitting it 50/50. But it doesn’t seem right because first son has the benefit of so much more money to accrue interest.
Vicky Austin
I thought 529s were transferable from kid to kid – maybe that varies by state?
Anon
They are transferable, but unless the first kid gets a huge scholarship or decides not to go to college or something, they’ll likely use up all their money.
Anon
Unless it’s just sitting in a saving account, it’s not accruing interest, it’s invested in something and the total amount will depend a lot on market performance over the specific time you’re contributing, which could be very different between children. So don’t worry so much about whether you’ve contributed equally, but whether you have enough for each kid, including money that’s not in the 529. As long as you’re willing to make it work out in the end, don’t worry about it. If it’s very unbalanced, throw some more in the second kid’s account now.
Anonymous
I agree; I have 3 kids and 3 separate 529s but really our plan is to pay for college for all 3 through a mix of 529 dollars, savings, and bankrolling the remainder by working while they are in college. We only have 3 accounts so it’s optically “fair” and also so grandparents can deposit checks “fairly” across the kids accounts.
Anything left after we pay for college can be used for grad school or down payments or whatever. But we didn’t want to tie up all our money in 529s because who even knows if all 3 will go to college. DH and I both went to an elite and spendy private college that our parents paid for out of pocket so we are budgeting to do the same.
Anonymous
OP here – this is what we basically ended up doing, since I’ve always read to use 529s as tax deduction vehicles but otherwise just save for yourself/retirement. (Also we were only making $10K by the skinny skin of our teeth.)
The stock market played into it hugely though – first son isn’t even a full 3 years older but he has something like $125k today in “his” 529, while my second son has $55k. (We moved when the youngest was 1 to a state where it’s just a flat $4k per kid.)
But I’ve always thought of this over the years and wondered if we made the wrong decision.
Anonymous
I have 3 kids: rising K,2nd and 4th graders. They have 18k, 43k, and 80k respectively in their accounts. Part of it is the stock market and part of it is how their birthdays fall- my oldest is very old for her grade and the younger two are young for their grade.
We also just this month finished paying for daycare. That money will be routed into the accounts in the fall.
Anon
It’s not a “max” as in “you can’t contribute more,” it’s a max as in “this is the maximum amount you can deduct from your taxes”…right? In that case, I’d throw some extra money into the second child’s account until the balances are roughly equal and then I’d split the funds equally going forward.
Bette
It’s not an actual cap on how much you can donate, just a cap on how much you can deduct on your taxes.
You can put $10k into each child’s 529 if you wish.
Anon
Hi – fellow NYer here. The 10k isn’t a cap, it’s just the amount you can deduct for taxes. There isn’t a cap to my knowledge but if you go over the gift exemption limits you need to file a gift tax return. But that’s a pretty high amount, especially if you’re married as it doubles. Check with your accountant but you can most certainly contribute way more than 10k per kid per year in a NY 529.
Anon
I would have put in for the second son until the accounts are equal, then put in equally from there on. Once the kids are near college, adjust as needed for any differences in inflation, college costs, etc.
Anon
My daughter’s 529 started when she was a newborn with an unexpected small inheritance of $8k. Once our son was born, we contributed more for him until he was at the same point his sister had been at the same age.
Anon
Anyone see the npr article on abortion access, comparing 2013 to 2023?
Holy moly!
Anon
If anyone is interested in a relatively easy way to get involved, I ordered free stickers from Plan C Pills with QR codes where women can scan and get information about medication abortion. I plan to stick them all over the place on my rural road trip this summer. Women’s lives are at risk and they need this vital information.
Anon
I love this idea!
Anonymoose
I have done this on a road trip and also on my most recent vacation.
Anon
thank you for sharing this
Anon for this
Anyone flown Air France or ITA recently and can inform me about carry on bags and how strict they are? My usual rollaboard fits within the listed dimensions (identical for both) except it is literally 1cm too tall.
Anon8
I haven’t flown either airline recently but I would not stress about 1cm at all. The only airlines I’ve ever even heard of checking are the ultra-low-cost ones like Spirit and Ryanair. You’ll be totally fine.
Anon
My roll on did get checked by Ryan Air at the Dublin airport. They were very strict. The dimensions had to be exact.
BB
So this isn’t super recent as it happened in 2019, so YMMV. If you’re flying out of CDG, the strictness can definitely vary. Sometimes they don’t check at all and everything is fine. One time, after standing almost an hour in the security line, I got to the end and they weighed my carry ons, which has never happened to me for any other airline before. I have an international sized hard case (which is tiny), and they told me that plus my tote bag combined added up to too much weight. So I had to hike back to their check-in desk to check my suitcase, then get back in the long line! It also seemed an odd rule to me because the weight makes it onto the plane anyway just in a different spot?
AnoNL
I have flown with both last month and nobody bothered to even check the dimensions/weight on an intra-EU flight. 1cm is def not an issue.
Anon for this
Thanks! We’re flying within the EU for the first time in awhile, so this is exactly what I was hoping. We usually only have to deal with American Airlines over/back and their larger carryon allowance.
Anon
I flew Air France in April and they were not checking dimensions. If it fit in the overhead, you could bring it on board.
Anonymous
Thinking about switching to shampoo/conditioner bars in an effort to reduce plastic use. Recs for your favorites? I’ve got fine, straight hair and have to shampoo at least every other day or it turns into an oily mess.
Anonymous
I’ve tried a million shampoo/conditioner bars and can’t stand any. The V ones on Amazon, Trader Joe’s, I think some from Lush… can’t remember the rest. But my hair is curly so ymmv.
Anon
I’ve been using bars for a while now. I just go into Lush and they help me find the right one for my hair.
Calrayo
I’ve tried both JR Liggett and Viori. I like both (and I also have fine, straight hair) but currently prefer the Viori both for the scent and the feel. Both lather nicely and seem to work well with my hair.
Anonymous
I use Ethique, not too expensive and works fine
Jules
TJ’s peppermint and tea tree oil shampoo bar is nice, not expensive.
Anom
I like HiBar. I get through Amazon or Whole Foods. I like it better than JR Liggett and it’s less expensive than Ethique. Also, I think Ethique is shipped from New Zealand and HiBar is manufactured inMinnesota. So transportation costs are more environmentally sound with HiBar. But I could be wrong about Ethique.
Anon
Beauty and the Bees.
Anon
Any tips for packing for one week in Iceland in a small carry-on? I’m a light packer in general and normally never have a problem going to Europe for one week in the summer with just a carry-on but Iceland is of course a very different climate.
Senior Attorney
I did layers for Iceland but many of the layers were pretty lightweight — silk long underwear, leggings, etc. If you wear your heaviest pieces on the plane you should be able to make it work.
Senior Attorney
My best idea was taking both a lightweight down vest and a lightweight down jacket (both from Uniqlo), which could be worn together or separately as needed. And I had a waterproof trench that I could pop over the whole thing if necessary.
Anon
So, I have not been to Iceland but I did go to Vienna and Prague in November a few years ago packing in a carry on.
I brought:
– 1 parka, 1 pair of mittens, 1 hat
– 1 pair of boots (Blundstones would be perfect for this), 1 pair of running shoes
– 1 pair of workout clothes (leggings, long sleeve T, sports bra, socks)
– PJs
– 1 set of casual clothes: leggings and LS top. I wore this hanging around the hotel, while traveling, but could also wear it out and about if needed.
– 3 pairs of jeans (black, olive, denim)
– a handful of basic t’s as undershirts
– 2 sweaters
– 2 LS tops / blouses
– wool socks
I made sure all of the tops went with all of the jeans and just re-wore things.
Assuming you’ll be more active given all of the great nature in Iceland, I would add a second workout outfit in place of 1 pair of jeans / top. I would also make sure the jeans and the boots you’re bringing are jeans that double for “going on a nature walk” and going out to dinner.
I would also bring a rain jacket, a fleece or light jacket (the REI or Patagonia packable puffer would be great) and a baseball cap.
Cat
FWIW, what’s the problem checking a bag for a trip like this? Have a day’s worth of clothes in your personal item in case of a delayed bag, and then just enjoy having options for whatever the weather turns out to be.
If you must do carry-on then a lot of thin layers is your best bet.
OP
We’re going to be moving around a lot (different hotel room every night) and having to constantly repack a big suitcase seems like it’d be cumbersome, plus hotel rooms in Europe are small and tend not to have a lot of space for giant suitcases. Also I just really hate checking bags and having to wait for them at the airport and run the risk of them getting lost. I haven’t checked a bag in probably a decade. If I have to, I will, but if there’s any way I can go carry-on only, I have a strong preference for that.
An.On.
I’ve done a sailing trip to Iceland/Greenland in the summer, so it was mostly warm/hot during the days but could be cold/freezing at night or on the water, so I would slough off during the day and layer up at night.
I would bring: a lightweight waterproof jacket with a detachable thermal layer and then a variety of short and long sleeved shirts and comfortable lightweight pants and a thin thermal pants layer like uniqlo heattech (if you will be camping/outside at night). I was fine without shorts. I’d get pretty warm during the day, especially if I was on a long walk, but I managed fine in scrubs/cargo pants, and I layered in lightweight uniqlo heattech leggings for night. Iceland was pretty temperate when I was there in August, but be prepared for wind/water unless you’re staying in the cities the whole time.
Anon
Wear your hiking boots on the plane – I think that was the only bulky item I brought.I think I also packed rain gear and merino wool or cashmere things for layering. Otherwise it was business as usual.
Anon
Bring a jacket. I wanted a warm – like packable down – jacket in Iceland once in August.
Hellooooooo
Was there last month, so colder than now I think. Rain coat, rain pants, thermals, sunglasses, sleeping mask, down jacket and
gloves were musts. Also water bottle and a cell phone holder for the car. Enjoy the beautiful country.
Sarah
I have a 5 hr layover in Dallas Fort Worth. Are any of the lounges worth it? Any other tips for that airport?