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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love this tinted lip balm from Burt's Bees! I'm not a lipstick-wearer, and I use lip balm all the time (usually just Vaseline), so this is perfect for me — and you, if you're the same! It goes on very smoothly and feels hydrating, and it gives your lips a somewhat subtle but definitely noticeable boost. It stays on well (but not the eight hours that the company claims), and is made with shea butter and free of parabens, phthalates, petrolatum, and SLS.
For me, “Red Dahlia” (recommended by readers in Kat's tinted lip balm post) is not quite my-lips-but-better — it's darker than that — but it's still the perfect shade for my pale skin. I hope Burt's Bees never discontinues this shade! Pictured is “Zinnia.”
This balm is available in eight colors (a variety of shades of pink and reddish pink) at Burt's Bees for $4.99, with a few also available at Amazon and Ulta. (I found them at Wegmans, so check your local grocery store chain as well.)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
Anyone here watching White Lotus? Last night’s episode… OMG!
Anon
I know!!! The dynamics between Harper, Ethan, Daphne, and Cameron seem so real I feel like i want to discuss for hours. Also though – do this many men really feel compelled to cheat??
Anon
I honeymooned at the hotel where this season was filmed. Most beautiful place I’ve ever stayed.
Anon
This is one of those shows where I am sort of aware of the drama because I’m just astonished at how beautiful it all is and can’t un-fixate on that. And eeeewwww Daphne and Cameron. Did they ever explain who is watching their kids?
Anon
Presumably a grandparent or a nanny or a family friend? The trip is only a week long (each episode is one day). Lots of parents go away without their kids. That’s the least weird part of the whole thing.
Anon
I wish! I think they have 2 kids under 4. We had kids old and I guess our parents did, too, because no way would I have let them care for two young kids solo for a week with me in another country. Daphne doesn’t work, but maybe she’s one of those rich women who has a nanny. Going to Noto for presents didn’t seem to involve shopping for the kids. I send mine postcards when I travel for work so that they can see what the cities look like (never mind that I am generally in some sort of conference hotel or a corporate office park).
Anon
I mean, it’s definitely an upper middle class thing, but if you read the moms page, many if not most women have gone away without their kids at least once even with kids 5 and under. I think Daphne and Cameron’s marriage is hella weird on many levels but the fact that they went to Italy without their kids for one week is not weird to me at all, especially given how wealthy they are.
Family support is complicated and depends on lots of things, but age isn’t the only factor. I would say we had kids fairly old (my parents became grandparents at 68 & 70) but we have zero issues leaving our kids with them for a week while we travel internationally and have done so a couple times. Only reason we don’t do it more is both DH & I prefer family travel.
And lets be real – toddlers and preschoolers are going to be just as happy with something junky from the airport gift shop as they would with something fancy and special from Noto. My then 4 year old’s souvenir of choice from Italy was a Ty beanie baby that was on Amazon and sold on the street in Florence for a 3x markup. Kids are easy to please. I wouldn’t read anything into the shopping or lack thereof for the kids.
Anon
For us, it’s that they couldn’t have managed lifting for diaper changes more than a couple of times per day.
Anon
I did not travel without kiddo for the first 18 months because I was nursing but thereafter I left her with my parents for 3 or 4 day weekends and 2 separate week-long trips without any issue and they started traveling with her and without me at around age 4.
This is such an individual issue that you cannot generalize. My mother and stepfather were only in their fifties when my child was born and were perfectly capable (and happy) to take her places or keep her while I traveled for work or pleasure. Even now in their 70s, I would not hesitate to leave a small child or infant with them. My father is around their age but is such poor health that I would not trust him with an infant or small child even if he was willing (which he would not be).
Anon
Oh man lucky you!! I am not a big luxury hotel person, I generally prefer more travel over fancy travel and if I’m going to splurge I’d rather stay in a basic hotel and pay for business class flights, but after the first episode I told DH “we are going to this hotel someday.” It’s gooooorgeous!
What’s the best time of year to go to Sicily?
Anonymous
Yes, obsessed! After each episode I like to brainstorm about who the bodies in the water could be and last night definitely presented some new theories.
Vicky Austin
I love Burt’s Bees lip products, and I actually have the best luck with finding a large shade selection at Walgreens or CVS. My absolute favorite is the lip shimmer in Rhubarb – it’s magic on me. I think I recently tried Fig for a darker, more autumnal shade.
Dr. The Original ...
1. What would you love to have but are, for whatever reason, not going to spend the money on? (That may be actual cost or because you are saving or because it seems like a silly splurge or whatever reason why.)
2. What is something you once wanted but now are no longer focused on?
1. Right now, for me, it’s Jeni’s ice cream (no scoop shops near me and I literally dream of the cream puff flavor) and an entire wardrobe by my favorite dye artist Thriving in Tie Dye on IG. (I think I may splurge on ice cream delivery and a TiTD piece for my 40th birthday when it comes in March but I don’t have family so I don’t do holidays thus no one asking for my gift list).
2. I always wanted small round white diamond studs in white gold. It seemed so grown up to me when I was a teen. But now I think they would probably scratch my satin pillowcase and I’d worry about removing them and risking losing them since they’re so expensive. I think I’d still love them if I had them but not enough to spend the money on. (I don’t really own any jewelry except 1 necklace, 1 ring, which I never take off.)
Anonymous
With #2 – check out the Pavoi brand on Amazon for faux-diamond earrings that look really realistic. I have diamond studs but don’t wear them anymore in favor of these. Less than $20. Treat yourself!
Anne-on
Check out Nordstrom for the earrings! I have these and wear them constantly (I’m hard on earrings and I forget things when I travel) – people compliment them all the time!
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-4ct-tw-cubic-zirconia-earrings/2989891?origin=coordinating-2989891-0-3-PDP_1-recbot-also_viewed_graph&recs_placement=PDP_1&recs_strategy=also_viewed_graph&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5214266&color=PLATINUM
Anon
1 & 2 are the same: a very cool car. Wanted so badly when I couldn’t afford even a bad used car. Now, I feel like I’d want a cool car, but nothing even makes my heart race. Plus, I’m brutally practical now that I have $ to spend and to drive a few miles on streets with a light at every corner — a cool car would be wasted. I do miss having stick, but for this commute: WHY. I miss feeling excited by cars. I want that passion back.
Trish
Most cars look the SAME! I miss the 70s when every car was different, plus, I prefer the older square look. I had a beat up 74 mustang in college that my stepdad sold to me for $500. And I would kill for an older Mercedes and the money to keep it up. I can’t remember the last time a car turned my head.
No Face
I really want silk pajamas and really don’t want to pay for silk pajamas.
New Here
I bought some Lunya washable silk pjs in 2020 (cause…2020) and they were 100% worth the cost. I bought a second pair. I’m sometimes ashamed to admit I spent that much on pjs, but I love them and want more.
Anonymous
Talbots Haven brand is fairly cheap and lovely!
Senior Attorney
1. There is a necklace in our local jewelry store that I’ve been drooling over for probably a couple of years now, but it’s $8,500 and that is just too much. So I just visit it from time to time when, for example, I take a broken chain in to be fixed, or my watch in for a new battery.
2. When I was younger I thought a Mercedes Benz was the coolest car ever, and the only reason you wouldn’t have one is because you couldn’t afford it. Then when I could finally afford one, I was out of the mood. *sigh*
BB
Not sure what your necklace budget is, but you could always ask what they’re willing to give you for a discount on it! Especially if you’re someone they know. Most jewelers have reasonably high margins they can play with, and it sounds like it’s been sitting there for a while, so maybe they’ll take less for it?
Anonyous
I grew up in a family that never would even consider buying anything German, and especially not MBZ. Rumors of upholstery from the skin of Jews who were killed in the camps, etc. To this day, I don’t buy German if I can possibly avoid it (no German cars, I think the only German items I have ever purchased or owned were a Braun coffee maker and a Braun cordless curling iron (it was the 80s and it ran on a miniature butane can)).
Anon
I understand wanting to avoid companies out of principle because of historical horrors. That is legitimate and I’m not saying that shouldn’t happen, but I want to contrast this with my experience of modern Germany. I live here and what I see is that Germany, more than any other country I have ever visited, has faced its past head on and made a huge effort to transform its society. I’d love to see the attitude toward historical wrongs – the self reflection, the public school curriculum, the integrated landmarking in cities – adopted in the US for slavery.
anon
Fun poll! For me for #1 it’s a cordless stick vacuum. Since having kids, I have noticed the crumbs and dust accumulate at an alarming rate, especially under the kitchen and coffee tables. I am by no means a super clean person but I spend way too much time fixated on trying to keep this part of my house clean. But I can’t pull the trigger on a Dyson or something similar because the $500+ cost just doesn’t seem “worth it” – which I know is completely ridiculous, especially since I plan to use it at least once a day.
Gail the Goldfish
I got a Tineco on Prime Day for something like $200 and let me tell you it is worth it. Buy the vacuum cleaner. I didn’t think the lack of cords would make such a difference, but it does.
Anon
from one mom to another, i’m telling you now if you can afford it, it is worth it
Anon
I got a Black & Decker cordless stick vacuum for under $100 on Prime Day. It is 100% totally worth it and my favorite and most powerful vacuum I’ve ever owned!
IL
It is totally, completely worth it to get a stick vacuum. I think its best feature is how easy it makes it to vacuum the stairs.
I’ve had mine for 7 years now, so the initial cost is down to pennies a day. It has never needed any repairs or maintenance.
dear reader
Get the Dyson and make sure you mount it on the wall immediately. We got ours originally when we lived in a rental/were building our house and it seemed dumb to mount it….as soon as we moved into the new house DH mounted the wall mounted charging station in about 5 minutes and it made it so easy to use/charge, I was very annoyed at myself for not mounting it before.
Anon
A lot of people here like the Shark Pet Pro cordless vacuum. In fact, I bought mine based on a recommendation here, and I’m grateful for that rec every day. I use it nearly daily for those little messes you describe – and I wouldn’t if I had to lug out a heavy corded vacuum. That’s just the truth.
Vicky Austin
1. In this economy? Non-store-brand cheese.
2. I used to be very, very set on one day owning a Soleil Le Creuset Dutch oven, but my Lodge is doing everything I need it to for now, and I “visit” (to borrow Senior Attorney’s delightful terminology) the ones available on the web less and less. Ditto for snazzy Sam Edelman heels – right now my feet just cannot.
Anon
FYI Jeni’s has really expanded where they sell. They actually have the cream puff flavor at Target, of all places. Plus they sell at plenty of other stores like Wegmans and Whole Foods.
Anon
I feel like many things on my #1 have eventually become #2 if I ride it out… That list includes a lot of aspirational purchases and brand names and overtime has included a Peloton, a Dyson Air Wrap, nice jewelry, Athleta workout clothes, a Cuyana or equally nice and spendy tote for work, a Nespresso, a Roomba or Dyson, silk pajamas, laser hair removal, a MacBook or an iPad, keratin for my hair.
I’ve gotten cheaper versions of many of these items (cheap spin bike + Peloton app, at-home laser hair removal, used and refurbished iPad). The only thing that’s still on the list is the work bag (I am still looking for the right one, but will get it as a promotion or new job present for myself, hopefully in the spring).
Other things on my #1 currently include a pet (this is literally 5+ years away for me), a Shark Flexstyle, a third cartilage piercing, and a pair of gold hoops for my first hole and some unnecessary hobby supplies, a diamond solitaire necklace.
Anon
Oooh… how is the at home laser hair removal?
Anonymous
I’ll play…
1) I’d really like to have a real Christmas tree. The prices have gone up a lot, though, and I don’t love real trees enough to pay them, so I put up the fake one. Honestly though, everything I would currently love to have I have a plan to acquire, lol.
2) American Girl dolls. I used to collect them, but haven’t been impressed with any of the new stuff for a while, so I’m done.
Anonymous
1. I would love to have a Vitamix blender, but it’s on hold as long as my current one works.
2. Back in my student days I thought that a Tiffany single diamond necklace would be very desirable at some point. In hindsight, I think I really bought into the very successful ad campaigns about women buying diamonds for themselves, which fit nicely with a feminist viewpoint.
Senior Attorney
Not to enable but there’s a great sale price on Vitamix at the river s!te today.
Anonymous
US electricals sadly won’t work in my country, but maybe someone else will be tempted? :)
Anan
#1. More hired help around the house.
#2 a Cat. I badly wanted a cat for a long long time. Then I had kids and that is all the cleaning up after another creature that O want to do.
dear reader
1. the $75 foaming face cleanser/mask that the facial person used during my last facial. it felt magical when she was putting it on me (like fluffy nonsticky marshmallows) and I was fairly prepared to buy it if it was less than $50, but $75 just seems like too much…..
2. fancy cookware. I’m not nice enough to cookware to spend a lot of money on heirloom quality cookware.
Anon
1. Business class for all my international flights this year. Just can’t justify it at this stage of life. Maybe once kids are through college and retirement savings are more robust.
2. Luxury clothing items, particularly handbags. I never spent $$$$ on a single bag, but I have collectively at least $2-3k worth of Coach, Kate Spade, MK, etc. handbags that I no longer use or care about.
Anon
1. A Tesla
2. A Tesla
Anon
This is fun!
(1) A Rivian R1S. It is a gorgeous SUV and electric and while I probably can afford it if I give up some other luxuries, I don’t want it THAT badly and there is nothing wrong with my current paid off car. (There are a lot more 1s – I also have a necklace I visit like SA!)
(2) Hmmm. Speed Queen W/D? But this is mostly bc they won’t fit in my laundry closet so I had to give up thinking about them.
Anon
1. Right now it’s a gorgeous landscape quilt I would either use as a quilt or hang behind my bed, but it’s expensive! Also I’m currently feeling conflicted about “shop vs. adopt” which is much more stressful.
2. One of those Instagram antelope rugs. I feel like I’ve missed the moment and that they are one of those trends we’ll look back on in dismay. But I might still grab one if I see one for resale.
Anon
I got some Elta-MD from my dermatologist (moisturizer with sunscreen that works for my rosacea-pizza-erupting skin). Do I need to rebuy from there? IDK if pricey cosmetics bought elsewhere are just knock-offs (or may likely be) or if I need to go back to the office to buy in-person. Previously I bought drug store brands and never thought twice about it.
anon
no. you can get it at sephora/ulta. My local suburban CVS also carries it.
Anon
I don’t buy cosmetics from Amazon, but if you buy from another reputable retailer, it will be fine. I know that EltaMD has a website you can order directly from or dermstore dot com is also really good. I personally wouldn’t go back to the derm in person to buy because that sounds really inconvenient!
Anne-on
For sunblock I’ve always much preferred the k-beauty brands to anything I could find in the west. My fave got reformulated but the Nivea super water gel 50 is quite good. I use vanicream lotion (the lighter kind) for my daily moisturizer and this on top and they both agree with my eczema/acne prone skin.
Anonymous
I’ve purchased this from Amazon and haven’t had any issues with receiving a knock-off. There are other online retailers that have it as well.
Shanananan
I’ve had good luck with derm store online for Elta
Anon
You could buy directly from EltaMd, they’re having a black Friday sale.
I buy Elta MD from the dermstore and have never felt like it wasn’t the authentic product.
BeenThatGuy
+1 to buying Elta MD from Dermstore. That’s where I purchase most of my skincare products these days.
Anonymous
Sephora
Anon
Dermstore is great and they always have sales! Check if they still have a Black Friday sale going on.
anon
I get it from LovelySkin. They have a small points/rebate system, and send samples occasionally.
Anon
Random recommendation –
I ordered these jeans in my usual size and they fit perfectly. A nice, not too expensive way to get into straight legs.
Signature by Levi Strauss & Co. Gold Label Women’s Modern Straight Jeans https://a.co/d/fVgQoA7
Anon
Since we talk about everything here…do you have a skincare routine for your underarms, besides putting on deodorant? If so, what is it? This winter my underarms are very dry and cracked. I already use a deodorant that is supposed to be moisturizing, but I think I need some additional skin intervention. I have stopped craving for not. I have tried putting creams on at night (Cereve, Eucerin) but they really just made a mess and it wasn’t a great feeling. No improvement after a few nights of that so I stopped. I then tried Clinique dramatically different gel (because I have a million samples of it) with the thought that maybe a gel would absorb quicker but that just made them itchy. Has anyone dealt with this?
Anon
**Stopped shaving for now!! Ha
Anon
I am allergic to many deodorants and have to use a hypoallergic gel. Dry Idea unscented is the brand that I use to help with irritation.
Vicky Austin
Maybe a moisturizing shave cream? I love Cremo. I also find that my skin is usually happier if I go a bit longer between shaves; can you afford to do that regularly?
No Face
When my kid’s underarms get like this, aquaphor on dry, clean skin clears it right up.
Anonymous
I am prone to eczema and have experienced flare ups in my underarm area. I use a gentle soap like Dove, a gentle deodorant (no antiperspirant), and moisturize as needed. Cetaphil cream in the tub works best for me but different lotions work for different people.
Mouse
My waxer recommends fur oil, and it feels great! May work for you.
Anon
Interesting, do you have a link or brand? I’ve never heard of fur oil
Anon
Ha never mind. Just searched and realized fur IS the brand
Anon
Unless you’re especially stinky, I’d skip deodorant for a few days. It’s probably making it worse.
Vicky Austin
Or just go without for a weekend, lol
Nesprin
Any chance you’re developing an allergy to your deodorant?
Anon
My daughter had some skin issues under her arms and I sent her a tip to use salicylic acid (like a facial toner) under there for a few days, and that cleared it right up.
It could also be fungus, like athlete’s foot, especially with the cracking issue.
KS IT Chick
Instead of shaving lotion/cream, I have started using oil, and I quit having dry cracking or razor burn.
Jamie
Any recommendations on drinking glasses? I bought a home and moved recently and would like to replace my mix of plastic cups and novelty glasses with a set or two of tumblers, but it looks like there is a huge variety in styles and prices. Any entertaining I do is casual, so I’m not looking to spend a lot, but I’d like the glasses to feel good to drink from, to be dishwasher safe, and to last. If anyone has a recommendation from Bed, Bath & Beyond, that would be a bonus since I received a gift card for there, but I can always save the card for something else as well. I appreciate any suggestions.
Anonymous
We break them so periodically we buy a bunch from of glasses IKEA and then when we start getting low, restock. Right now we have 2 different sizes of “Pokal.”
anon
I’m a huge fan of IKEA. I have two sizes–regular and large. I buy extra so they’re easy to replace when one breaks.
Pompom
I have some straightforward glasses–tumblers and rocks glasses–from Crate and Barrel. I picked them by going to the store and seeing which ones felt right in my hand! Going strong for 13 years, minimal etching, no chips.
I also really like crystal for this, but not like fancy looking crystal. I miss Ralph Lauren’s crystal drinking glasses being available, but scoop them up when I see my pattern at TJX or the like.
Vicky Austin
We have 8 each of large and small Anchor Hocking’s Central Park and they’re lovely. We’ve broken 1 in 3+ years and they’ve held up beautifully in the dishwasher.
Mouse
I LOVE my Duralex Picardie glasses – they’re very durable, they stack, and come in a whole bunch of sizes. My two fave are the (approx.) 17zo and 8oz. Pretty enough for a special table or even drinking wine out of, but durable for everyday use. Haven’t broken one yet.
Anon
I’m another Duralex fan. We have bunches of the 8 oz and 12 oz. And use them for wine glasses.
Anon
I’m another Duralex fan. We have bunches of the 8 oz and 12 oz. And use them for wine glasses.
Anon
Durex is a condom brand, lol. I think you mean Duralex.
Anon
Haha I think that was autocorrect! Seriously
Aunt Jamesina
I should have scrolled down before I commented!
Sallyanne
We have 4 sizes of the Picardie and love them all. Purchased when we got married 22 years ago. Keep thinking I’ll find something I’ll like better but I never do.
Jules
I was going to suggest Duralex, too. I know the Picardie are iconic but I like the Spirale design a lot better. THere are good prices here: https://www.webstaurantstore.com/61299/duralex-spirale-glasses.html
Aunt Jamesina
Duralex! I have the Picardie design. They hold up so well and they’ve made the same designs forever so it’s easy to get replacements.
Anonymous
I like my Bodega glasses from Crate & Barrel. They are super minimalist and stack well because they are shorter and stouter than other glasses with similar capacity (e.g., the large size is the size of a pint glass but much much shorter).
Walnut
+1 for these
Ash tree
Libbey Polaris are perfect, have a nice heavy bottom, and are inexpensive. I’ve got them from Walmart online.
Anon
How do you go about handling male coworkers asking things of you that you think probably aren’t feasible / have told them before won’t work? I feel like sometimes the men at my company will say “I have XYZ great idea!” and it’s something I know isn’t necessarily a promising avenue because I’m closer on the ground to the subject. Should I say “this won’t work because of XYZ” and risk sounding like a naysayer, or just politely nod along and risk having expectations for something that I don’t want to invest time in?
Anon
I would take “male” out of the equation.
And the answer depends on whether this is a peer or your boss. If an actual peer suggested it, I would point out why I do not think it would work and (if they insisted) ask if they have leadership buy in. If the answer is yes, I would either talk to leadership myself to be sure they are aware of the issues or just do it depending on the consequences.
If it is my boss, I would still point out the issues, just more gently. And if they still want to do it, I would just follow instructions.
But I suspect this is highly workplace and industry specific. (Now that I am in-house the answer is very different than it would have been when I was with a law firm.)
Vicky Austin
+1 to all of this; great advice. I don’t think the gender element changes what the best response would be (although I recognize that it’s present and annoying).
Vicky Austin
Used a bad word, sorry.
+1 to all of this; great advice. I don’t think the g e n d e r element changes what the best response would be (although I recognize that it’s present and annoying).
Nesprin
If you’re worried about sounding like a naysayer, substitute “this won’t work because of X, Y, Z” for “how would we deal with X, Y &Z?”
hot vanilla
Anyone make Hot Vanilla drinks and can give me their recipie? I am craving… My model is from Toscanini’s in Cambridge, MA.
Ananon
I’m not sure if a hot vanilla is the same thing as a vanilla steamer, but assuming so they’re very easy to make. You just need your milk of choice warmed (microwave or stovetop) plus 1-2 shots of vanilla syrup. Guessing Toscanini’s makes their own, but you can find the Torani brand in many grocery stores / Target equivalents. If you want to get real fancy, a battery powered frothing wand can give the drink that signature foam topping.
Anon
Is this just vanilla steamed milk? That was my go to drink for at late nights in coffee shops in high school, as I’ve never been able to handle caffeine at night. Just add a shot of vanilla syrup to steamed milk, though I’m sure you can make your own with sugar and vanilla extract.
Ses
Aww Tosci’s
Anon
For those of you who watch White Lotus…. Do that many men really cheat or have to work to stave off the impulse to? It feels so outlandish to me but maybe I’m naive…
Anon
I’m not caught up on White Lotus, but I have opinions about this question in general.
I was married to a man who seemed genuinely nice, kind of nerdy, and who NO ONE thought would ever cheat (me and all my friends and family members). He was helpful at home, we had no kids, no major stressors, had been married over 10 years. Wellllll then he cheated. The thread this morning reminded me of him, actually, because he was a professor and he cheated with a recently graduated student (not sure when it began). I don’t know if that was the only person he cheated with, but it’s the only one I know about.
So, based on my own experience, I think everyone has the potential to cheat. I’m not quite sure what stops one person and doesn’t stop another. I know I developed crushes on other people from time to time but never acted on it. Clearly he did.
P.S., When I say everyone has the potential, I don’t let that ruin my life or subsequent relationships. I’m in a happy partnership now with someone who I trust, but I acknowledge there are parts of him I will never know.
Anon
Oof. I’m an academic spouse and cheating with a grad student is like a double betrayal. There’s the infidelity but there’s also him jeopardizing his career and your shared financial future. I think I’d be even more mad about the latter betrayal, although unlike you we have kids whose futures he’d be impacting significantly if he lost his job.
I’m sorry you went through that!
Anon
I don’t think so. I believe statistically women actually cheat more than men. I don’t have any close friends who’ve cheated in their marriages or been cheated on that they know of, and have only heard of cheating in the marriages of a couple friends of friends and in all cases I know about it was the woman who cheated. Affluent, highly educated but not “fancy” circles for context (i.e., everyone has well-paying professional jobs but no one is working for Goldman Sachs or in the Senate or other jobs that are, stereotypically at least, conducive to cheating).
Anon
Thanks for posting, because now I don’t want to watch it if it features cheating.
anon
Same here. In the past 18 months, two marriages in my friend group have broken up over cheating. It is brutal in every way, and I refuse to romanticize it.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t say it is romanticized in the show.
Anon
I don’t think the show “romanticizes” it, fwiw. The cheaters are portrayed in a pretty bad light.
Anon
There are studies surrounding this and it varies by age and other demographic categories. And is complicated by different definitions of infidelity. The most recent data I have seen indicates that overall 20% of men and 13% of women have had s*x with something other than their spouse.
The rate is HIGHER for woman than men from 18-29. Thereafter the rate is higher for men.
Anon
Most men are not good looking, charming or rich, so the topic never comes up..
HFB
How do you stop dwelling on something when you need to focus at work? Earlier today I received a really irritating text from a relative (and granted it’s more irritating because of how I feel about this person to begin with) and now I can’t stop stewing but I really need to work. So far I haven’t responded but I can’t completely ignore the text because it involves some logistics for something I need to do later this month. I don’t have to answer right now though. I want to put it out of my mind until I’ve cooled off and can respond in a productive way. Advice?
Vicky Austin
Set a reminder on your phone to do it later (5pm, next week, whatever).
Vent to a friend – or here!
Turn on music/podcast/audiobook and start with a small task.
HFB
Thanks! This is good advice but I’m still stewing and distracted. Basically just sitting here muttering “the NERVE!! Who does s/he think s/he is?!??” To myself, lol. I would give you all more detail but it requires a long backstory and I don’t want to take over this page with a novel. Thanks for your support, though!
Aunt Jamesina
Go for a quick walk outside if you’re able!
Ses
Email yourself the response you want to send them. Make it as angry and ranty as you want. It needs to get out of your head and onto paper/digital paper for you to let go.
BB
Recs for a good entryway rug/mat that is modern looking but can put up with wet shoes? I need something that’s about 3×5 feet. We have had a Chilewich mat there for a few years, but its rubber back is having a weird reaction with our wood floor causing it to peel (the rug, not the floor thankfully). No budget here and would honestly spend whatever for the right thing.
Anon8
Waterhog mats from LL Bean are the best! I’ve had a couple for years and years and they still look brand new. Somehow they don’t stain and are very durable (no signs of wear on mine at all). Highly, highly recommend.
Anon
+1 to these. Ours are about a decade old and also look brand new, except for the one by the front door that the cat likes to vomit on. Unfortunately, they’re not very easy to clean cat vomit out of, and the waterhogginess ends up being a real negative in that regard, as they take forever to dry if you try to hose them off. But in all other situations, they’re great, I just wish the cat would find another place to puke (and welcome any other suggestions for cleaning them- this material is really grippy and resists our usual bac out, which does fine on the rest of the carpets)
Ses
+2
Anon
3
we have them inside and out each door
Anon
Can someone explain to me how top law schools pulling out of USNWR rankings over “this is at odds with our mission” makes sense? It’s not like USNWR is pro-clubbing of baby seals or something that is per-se wrong. And most of the schools pulling out have $$$ endowments (so could cancel out tuition); there is public interest loan forgiveness; etc., etc. I feel like these schools are a ton of debt for any first-generation student, but I doubt that they are really taking in that many first-generation students (so many people have their tuition paid for under ed-med exceptions). Schools aren’t expanding class size or campuses or letting in kids who are less stellarly prepared. They aren’t encouraging the relevant metrics to change (like how USC, the school in South Carolina, deals with different economics than USC, the school in California). They really just seem to be flouncing out of it and IDK what that does to kids who need to navigate the rest of the law schools.
Anon
I think the underlying problem is that Yale was in danger of losing its top slot and everyone else flounced out, too.
The PSLF is a huge issue. If Yale and Harvard were churning out public defenders, it would not be an issue. But when a Yale Law grad does “non profit” work, it’s usually very prestigious (US Attorney, think tank, etc.), and the taxpayer picks up the bill for most of a $300,000 education. I suspect that the rankings are going to reveal how bad this has become and the top schools don’t want the data out there, just as people are really starting to ask hard questions about why student loans have gotten to be a crisis.
Anon
Yes – you have to love Yale positioning this as an equity issue when they were very likely going to be losing their #1 ranking.
Anon
That is so Yale. It’s like flipping the chess board when you know you’re out of good moves.
Anon
Haha yes
Anon
This is correct. I’m a YLS grad and was an AUSA in a major city for many years. I qualified for full PSLF recently. When I saw the dean’s email to all alumni on this, I couldn’t help but snicker since it was clear what her end game here was.
Anon
Curious. Yale could have given you its own loan forgiveness. But it didn’t. Why wouldn’t it if it values this work so highly? Should only kids of the rich have this option? (I get that loan forgiveness exists now but it may not always, at least in the current form.)
anon OP
A lot of my classmates did qualify for loan forgiveness through YLS, but I did not because my salary as a Fed was always over the limit (the YLS salary caps were pretty low, relatively speaking – just around 100K, depending on year of graduation). So I had to wait until the full ten years to apply and get PSLF. The salary limits may have been raised at this point for YLS, though, so it’s possible things have changed in the last few years.
anon OP
Also – I don’t get what you mean by “kids of the rich”? I am not wealthy by any means, but I started out slightly higher on the Fed scale because I was grandfathered in from a previous high paying job and therefore was able to max out on GS scale fairly quickly.
Anon
Why would Yale not dip into its enormous endowment when the taxpayers could foot the bill?
Anonymous
The rankings system creates terrible incentives for schools. One example is the fact that undergraduate programs now rely heavily on binding early admissions offers to boost their yield rates, which improves their rankings. This is bad for students, who should have the opportunity to compare multiple financial aid offers before committing to a school. I wish a critical mass of schools would opt out of the rankings because it does seem like just the fancy schools are flouncing out because they can afford to and are above the whole thing.
Anon
This is for the law school though. And as woke as Yale Law might be, it’s not sending out public defenders and legal aid lawyers throughout New England. And it’s not letting in a lot of kids w/o regard to LSAT and UGPA, as much as they complain that USNWR ties their hands.
No Face
I’m not a public interest lawyer, but many of my friends are. The Harvard and Yale Law grads absolutely dominate the better funded /most prestigious public defenders offices, legal aid clinics, and nonprofits. Not just in New England, but nationwide.
Anon
I get that they are in big cities, but I doubt a Yale grad is taking a PD gig in someplace like Utica (even though people in Utica need lawyers, too).
Seventh Sister
I’m not as familiar with college rankings, but my understanding is that the law school rankings have had the tendency to focus on “academic prestige” factors like the square footage of the library, how law professors at other law schools viewed another law school, etc. as opposed to things recent grads would care about like say, how many students are employed in a JD-required job six months after graduation. I tend to doubt my law school will flounce because they are a serious regional powerhouse, but not a tippy-top-elite law school, so there is probably some benefit to being ranked.
anon
It makes sense to me in that USNWR rankings are really important. If the law school is participating, many people are going to expect the dean to maintain or improve the school’s ranking. I understand how the rankings are flawed, but I’d still be unhappy if my law school slipped substantially in the rankings. The field of law is snobby, so the ranking of my law school helps my career prospects. I wouldn’t really care if my law school left the rankings entirely along with other top schools.
USNWR ranks schools based on what it sees as valuable, so schools are going to prioritize ensuring that they don’t slip in USNWR factors (LSAT scores of incoming students, graduates in certain kinds of work, etc). That means that even if a school thinks it would be best for the world if they did something different, if it’s going to negatively affect factors that USNWR cares about, and therefore rankings, it is less likely to happen.
I hear you though on wishing the giant endowments were used to better help students.
Anon
I know a kid who went to a Top 100 law school and has now failed the bar 2-3 times. He’s first-generation, so I’m sure he borrowed everything. He is in a crisis and what his law school did to him ought to be criminal. What Yale is complaining about IMO isn’t this and won’t fix this and I call BS. The crisis in legal education is that there is too much of it and churns out people who can’t afford to take most legal jobs out there and have to drive for Uber to help make ends meet. I know that isn’t Yale grads, so this isn’t a problem that the dean of Yale Law even sees unless those are cater-waiters at her events for big donors.
Anon
I’m dying to know what school he went to
Anon
It could be any person at any school, honestly. People at the highest ranked firms don’t generally fail the bar more than once, but many people can’t go to NYU or Georgetown or Emory and afford to take a lot of jobs out there. If you get a job at small firm in a small town or a lot of state govt jobs, you really can’t afford to be a lawyer. It’s really sad, because people need lawyers like they need doctors and dentists. Less often, to be sure, but when you need a lawyer, you NEED a lawyer.
Anon
Could be almost any of them. Studying for the bar is expensive, and those who do not have jobs lined up and employers to pay for it are up a creek. I suppose they can borrow more money?
Anon
Not that person, but I went to Boston College, which is a top 30ish law school (or at least was when I went there) and I know someone who failed the bar five times before giving up and deciding not to be a lawyer. He wasn’t brilliant but he got decent grades in law school, so he can’t have been that dumb. I think some people are just really bad at standardized tests.
Anon
I feel that if law schools were forced to assume the debts of their graduates who fail the bar more than once, they’d really look at this very differently. They never have to put their $ where their mouth is.
Anon
But in this case I don’t think it was the law school’s fault. BC isn’t Harvard, but it’s a very respectable law school. He got a good education. His law school education wasn’t the problem. It was some combination of 1) lack of inherent intellectual ability, 2) lack of work ethic, 3) nerves in a high pressure environment like that and/or 4) lack of standardized test taking skill (based on knowing the guy, my guess is 3 and 4 more than 1 and 2).
Anon
If it’s 1) or 2), then shouldn’t he have failed out long before? I would absolutely blame the school for passing someone along and continuing to take their money each semester who didn’t have the capacity or the will.
Anon
Right, I”m saying it’s probably not lack of ability or will, so I don’t blame the school for admitting him and giving him passing grades.
Anonymous
It’s pretty obvious? Affirmative action is going down. Schools who want diversity will be lowering standards. They don’t want to see their rankings plummet when they do.
Anon
They could admit a lot more people. I doubt their demographics change much. Very different math at a T3 school, so why does Yale make a fuss? I can’t see them admitting anyone with a 3.0 GPA and even a 160 LSAT even if it is a big donor’s kid.
anonshmanon
I don’t get your line of reasoning. Assuming Yale has vastly more applicants than spots, so they can afford to only admit kids with top grades and still fill their spots. You are expecting them to lower admission standards in order to admit a more diverse set of students, but in order to do that, they would necessarily have to reject students with better grades over lower performing ones. Isn’t that affirmative action?
Anon
+1
Anon
It is only affirmative action if they are basing it on race. If they base it on family income or first generation college graduate status, it would be permitted. And in the case of Yale, I suspect they have enough applications from people with perfect GPAs and great LSATs that they could meet their diversity goals without admitting students who lack those, although they might need to start accepting “held down two jobs” as an impressive extracurricular activity.
All that said, it was commonly known at my law school that students from our affirmative action program (now cast as being for people from “disadvantaged communities”) failed the bar at a substantially higher rate that the rest of the student body. And I have often wondered how fair it was to those students who took on considerable debt.
Holiday Reading
People always have such great books suggestions here. I’m about to finish Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman based on the recommendations here and I love it. I really enjoy biographies of women — especially queens. Any great biographies you’d recommend?
Senior Attorney
This is a novel, not a biography per se, but I loved The Other Boleyn Girl.
Anonymous
OP: Yes – I love historical fiction too and really enjoyed this too :-)
Anon
I was one of the folks who recommend Catherine the Great. So glad you are enjoying it. I would recommend anything by Clare Mulley, but I especially love “The Spy Who Loved” which is a biography of a WWII era female spy.
Vicky Austin
Hi! Me! Here are a few others I love:
Sister Queens by Julia Fox, about Catherine of Aragon and her sister Juana of Castile (sometimes known as Joanna the Mad, but the book doesn’t take that tone, and bonus, it reads like a novel!)
Blood Sisters by Sarah Gristwood, about the Wars of the Roses (this one is a lot denser, but brilliantly researched; Gristwood is amazing)
The Brontes by Juliet Barker (dense, but so good and so much more honest than the usual narrative around the Bronte family)
Daphne du Maurier and Her Sisters by Jane Dunn
Manderley Forever by Tatiana de Rosnay (also reads like a novel)
Some others that have been on my list:
Victoria The Queen by Julia Baird (this one has actually been on my nightstand for some time)
Princesses: The Six Daughters of George III by Flora Fraser
Queen Victoria’s Matchmaking: The Royal Marriages that Shaped Europe by Deborah Cadbury
Royal Witches: Witchcraft and the Nobility in 15th Century England by Gemma Hollman
The Dark Queens by Shelley Puhak
First Lady by Sonia Purnell (about Clementine Churchill)
Enjoy!
Shelle
So glad to hear you liked it! Nancy Milford wrote good books about Zelda Sayre (wife of F Scott Fitzgerald) “Zelda” and Edna St. Vincent Millay “Savage Beauty”. They’re not queens but they’re courageous women.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, adding to my list, thank you.
Anon
The Meaning of Mariah Carey, a different kind of queen
Anon
Sister Queens and Becoming Queen Victoria. They’re both nonfiction and WILD/sad.
Panda Bear
Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff.
Vicky Austin
Second this one – I read it a long time ago and it slipped my mind. (My longer list is in mod!)
Book rec
Josephine, by Kate Williams. Empress of France, the first wife of Napoleon I.
Anonymous
OP—yes this is a great book!
No Face
I picked up that Catherine the Great book too! It is excellent. I would have never considered it otherwise.
Vicky Austin
Robert Massie is great. His Nicholas and Alexandra was originally published in the 60s but imo it’s held up.
Anan
Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire by Amanda Foreman is great. It was made into a terrible movie with Kiera Knightly, but her story is fascinating and soapy.
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but I find the Kate Williams books very dry. I read one (Becoming Queen Victoria) on a rec from here and barely finished it. But historical non-fiction isn’t my favorite genre so YMMV.
ArenKay
Romantic Outlaws, a dual biography of Mary Wollstonecraft and Mary Shelley (mother-daughter) was outstanding.
Vicky Austin
+1 to this one too; fabulous.
(Reminds me of that joke about any biography of Mary Shelley or Percy: when you see a chapter called “Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know” and you just know Byron is about to show up and start sh!t.)
Nylongirl
I’m super late to this, but I loved the book The Island Queen. The author is a STEM professor who writes great books!
Anon
We live in a city and thought we were ride-or-die public school people (lots of family members are teachers, I went to public schools, etc.). Early on, we picked a neighborhood school that really played up how kids got to do Junior Great Books, so they were getting a private school-type education in their own neighborhood. Apparently, they stopped doing it at some point, but didn’t bother to actually tell any parents about it. Since COVID, things have been really chaotic (one kid gets to go on two big field trips this year; one kid is not even going on local field trips). At some point, I feel like I could give grace but at this point, I am looking at magnet schools with energized parents who prioritize making a good school happen or private/charter schools filled with like-minded people. My kids missed a lot of actual education because schools were mostly closed for all of 2020 and a good part of spring 2021. I want things to finally get good for them. [And yet, I am getting major “you are the problem” vibes any time I try to help with anything, like if kids ride the bus, they will miss the grade’s musical concert because it starts half an hour after the busses depart. And a week’s notice isn’t really enough for many parents to get it on their schedules.]
anon
Um, okay. Was there a question in here somewhere? Sounds like you’re not happy with the public school so you’re considering other options. Is there some kind of dilemma?
Anonymous
Ok? You don’t have to send your kids to a school you don’t like if you’re fortunate enough to have other options. Congrats? Idk what you’re looking for
From us here.
Aunt Jamesina
If you’re worried about inequities in things like buses not getting students to after school activities, magnet and private schools aren’t going to be any better… and the Great Books program sounds like a nice opportunity, but there are plenty of other ways to expose kids to literature.
Anonymous
Parents can’t make a difference in a school’s academic or extracurricular programming, just in how prepared their own kids are for school. The only thing parents can influence is the amount of money that gets raised to support a particular activity, but they can’t really dictate how that money is spent. Our high school choral program has an amazing booster organization, but the director and the principal are never going to restructure the program to focus on teaching what those of us in the know think should be taught, and no matter how much money we raise the school will always choose to spend it on a crummy sound system instead of the shell they actually need for the stage. Massive parent and student protests did not change the district’s decision to eliminate a critical piece of its IB program. Etc. etc. etc. A magnet school will almost always be better than a neighborhood school except in a very wealthy area, and magnets will generally tend to have more engaged parents, but it’s not the parents who make the magnet school better. It’s better administration + the ability to transfer problem students out instead of spending all of the school’s resources on them.
Anonymous
I would pull your kids and send them to a school that works for your family. We are ride-or-die public school people and I have been the president of our PTA, on various school district commissions, etc., and I still pulled my daughter and put her in private school for middle. I do not presume that private is better than public, but for this kid at this time, that was the case. Your obligation to your kid exceeds your obligation to an institution. Having said that, you still have obligations to your public school system as a citizen. We continue to donate to our neighborhood schools even when we aren’t using them, and we support the system in general through donations of time and volunteer service.
Anon
ALL schools are scrambling and chaotic after COVID. Is there a PTO you can join? If you have the flexibility, can you help carpool? School resources are just thin unfortunately.
Anonymous
This has not been my experience with private school.
Spring 2020 was rough for all schools, for sure, but things have been pretty smooth sailing (with some ad hoc changes as the Covid situation changed) since fall of 2020.
Anon
This has not been my experience with our Midwestern public schools either, but I live in a red state that fully reopened in May/June 2020. Fall 2020 was a little chaotic but after that everything was pretty normal other than mask mandates for the remainder of the 2020-21 school year and at certain points in 21-22.
Anon
I know it can be frowned upon but we had such a great experience with private school that I am very much in favor of private school and bordering on anti public school in most cases. It was 100% the right choice for our family and we were lucky to get aid because $35k a year per kid is not in our budget, but if you’re interested in exploring other options, go for it.
Anon
“Ride-or-die” isn’t really the right description for people saying “ride-or-die” for public schools, it’s more “ride till it’s hard.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with making the right decision for your kids or your family but don’t call yourself “ride-or-die” supporter of public schools. Most people who are “ride-or-die” don’t actually have the resources to make the choice you can to leave and have to live with the things that you are unhappy about. Those who choose to send kids to private schools because they have the resources and it is the right choice for their family shouldn’t feel ashamed of their choice but they also shouldn’t pretend they are all in like those who have no choice.
Anon
The ones who really have no choice are the kids.
Tea/Coffee
I hear you. DH and I are both proud products of local public schools (and not even the best ones) but switched our kids to private. Post-COVID, our district is, correctly, focusing on the kids who missed the most and are the farthest behind. However, that’s not our kids – and we owe it to our kids to help them be the best they can be. We have the resources to swing a good private, and we realize how lucky we are. That said, we aren’t SO lucky that we don’t miss the money… budget’s very very tight now. We will re-evaluate as needed. There are definitely some things about public that we miss (and we loved our local ES), but this absolutely was the right call for our kids at this time. I think the hardest thing was to overcome that mental block about being “the kind of people who.” Lots of people put their kids in private for lots of different reasons. You just have to find a school where your kids, and your family, are a good fit. Best of luck with whatever you decide
Vicky Austin
As a child of two public school teachers, I appreciate your view on this; thanks for sharing it.
Anon
I’m very pro-public schools and we will keep our kids in our local public schools both because they handled the pandemic reasonably well and because we don’t have any other option (no secular private schools within 75 miles and Christian schools are a non-starter for both me and DH), but your comment makes perfect sense to me and I support you doing what’s right for your kids. Education is really important to our family and we would definitely scrimp on our budget in other areas if it was the right thing for our kids’ education.
Employment Law Q
Never ask for legal advice on the internet, but here I go: My dear, smart, savvy friend started at her company April 1. Friend is 20 weeks pregnant, due in April, and was just laid off. Story goes that she went to what she was told was a meeting to discuss her leave/transition plan with HR last week. At the start of the meeting, a senior manager walked in with HR and they laid her off on the spot. While I don’t have specifics, she didn’t get a great package given the short tenure. Other potentially salient facts: company was acquired during her hiring process but they doubled down and went hard after her. Also, her direct boss was laid off the day before.
This is not my world whatsoever, but she’s made one call to an attorney for guidance to see if there’s any sort of case here on the basis of her pregnancy. She’s not looking for something she’s not due but it all just feels icky as she recounts a number of events leading up to this. The attorney wanted $500+ for the initial consultation. Is that expected/reasonable for a consult? Friend is now jobless, visibly pregnant and going to struggle to find something in all likelihood in this climate, so she’d rather not spend the $500 if totally otherwise fruitless.
Would you tell the friend to spend the $500 to see if there’s any sort of case here? I’m in Boston if anyone has a rec for an attorney to call, too.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t bother. If her boss was also fired she’s not going to have any sort of case.
anon
$500 is not an unreasonable amount for a consultation with a good lawyer. Sometimes, lawyers with higher rates are more efficient and therefore cheaper than lawyers with lower rates. That said, there’s not enough information to understand if this particular lawyer is worth $500 for a consultation.
Anon
I’m not an employment law attorney, but it’s not illegal to lay off a pregnant woman. It’s illegal to lay her off BECAUSE she’s pregnant. Given the facts as you’ve presented them here, including the fact that her direct boss (presumably not also pregnant?) was laid off the day before, it doesn’t sound the company has done anything illegal. It’s a crummy situation but not every crummy situation is illegal.
Assuming your friend is reasonably affluent, $500 for a consultation may be worth it. That’s a pretty small amount of money to most upper middle class professionals. But I doubt the case will go anywhere unless there are major facts you’ve omitted.
OP
Took all afternoon for this to post but please disregard. We’ve talked friend of her ledge. She’s not wanting to pursue anything legal.
It’s a terrible situation but that doesn’t make it illegal. Hard times. Hugs to anyone going through anything similar.
Anon
For what it’s worth, I had a colleague who was pregnant and got laid off in April 2020 and was able to start a new job by end of July, and immediately left for maternity leave a couple months later. There is hope for your friend!
Anonymous
What are your favorite iron rich snacks – with bonus points if they’re easy, as in I can buy them pre packaged and eat them at work, in the car. Every website seems to suggest hummus, which I really don’t like. I like whole chickpeas – as in Indian style chickpeas and rice but that’s obviously dinner not a snack.
Been feeling run down for a few days after my cycle and I ran it by my dr who says iron levels are ok but it isn’t uncommon. Her thoughts were to make sure I’m eating meat around that time but to also consume good snacks, as I’m not a snacker usually.
Anon
You can get roasted chickpeas that are made to for snacking purposes.
dear reader
Roasted chickpeas are also super easy to make. And you can put whatever kind of seasoning you want on it.
anon
Dried fruits and nuts?
Mouse
Jerky is great for this – doesn’t have to be beef – turkey jerky is good too.
Vicky Austin
What about seaweed snacks? (Or just an excuse to get sushi!)
Anon
Can you make something like crispy oven or air fryer chickpeas? I’ll link a recipe if that sounds good but really just season to your taste and crisp them up. Spinach or kale crisps?
Anonymous
Fortified breakfast cereal.
Anon
Honey Nut Cheerios
Signed,
Omar Little
Ses
Raisins
Anonymous
Maybe just up your iron intake in other meals, if you’re not a snacker?
I love paté made from liver. It’s a normal sandwich spread where I’m from, great with pickled beets or gherkins.
Roast beef and beetroot salad sandwich or wrap is another one.
Black pudding with a cooked brunch.
Anon
I love liverwurst sandwiches!
Anon
I know you didn’t ask this, but since others are giving you such good recs, I wanted to ask one quick thing.
For years I had very heavy periods, and was very anemic when I was young. I went on OCPs and things improved, but over time I still felt more run down / tired than I should, but “I wasn’t anemic”. Only once my hair started falling out (!) when I was in my 40s did someone check my Ferritin (iron stores) and while all of my other iron labs (hematocrit, free iron, transferrin etc…) were fine, my Ferritin was crazy low. I started taking iron, and it helped incredibly. And nice side effect is that my restless legs syndrome that I’ve had for years (runs in the family) that I just dealt with on my own…. went away! Turns out anemia/low ferritin specifically can be associated with restless legs and if you treat the low iron stores, it goes away.
So just something to ask your doctors if they say “you’re not anemic… your hematocrit… or your iron are fine….”. Ask them about your Ferritin.
Anon
If my boyfriend were to have a female friend visiting his city, would it be an okay request for me to ask that she not stay with him in his one-bedroom? I trust him fully, but I have never met this friend and I feel like some stories he’s told me about her have been iffy (i.e., she used to have a crush on him, she is a bit clingy and pushy with texting and calls, she has told him intimate details about her sex life). I feel like I’d just feel weird about it and want to avoid having a situation I’d have to manage feelings around, but also don’t want to veer into being controlling. Is this an okay boundary to set?
Anon
I think this would really depend on the circumstances. In general, I don’t think this is an unreasonable boundary. I’d first ask him where she’s staying, though. It might not even be the plan for her to stay with him (I can’t tell from your post).
My only hesitation is that I have one ex boyfriend I’m still friends with where we have both very thoroughly moved on with our lives and this arrangement (he’d sleep on the couch) wouldn’t be an issue. But another ex boyfriend where it might cause an issue because of unresolved feelings. In other words, I can see situations where the friendship is totally platonic, despite past feelings. But I would completely understand if my current boyfriend had the same boundary as you.
Explorette
Yes
Anon
I think this is an unpopular opinion here, but IMO this is a reasonable boundary to set and I would have the same boundary.
Anonymous
To me this would be a sign to DTMFA. An opposite-sex friend visiting a straight person who has an SO is a huge red flag. He should never have invited her in the first place, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to set that boundary. When you have an SO, there are certain things you just don’t do.
anon
What? Why on earth would this be a red flag?
OP, I do think it’s completely reasonable for you to set this boundary, though.
anonshmanon
yeah, someone staying with the BF alone is not a red flag in my opinion, but all the context you gave about their specific history totally makes it iffy. Nothing wrong with setting this boundary in this case.
Anon
Agreed. Totally not okay to even consider letting her stay at his place. I smell something else going on here, personally, but I maybe I’ve just been burned too many times.
Anonymous
Whoa. Wow. She can’t come to visit at all? Glad you are not my SO.
Anon
This is a huge overreaction. If OP does this, the bf will be the one who’s better off in the long run.
Anon
That is such an extreme boundary, IMO. I have several close, straight male friends who would absolutely crash on an air mattress at my apartment if they were in town, and I would do the same at their places (and have done at one’s place). A few of whom I hooked up with YEARS ago (back in college when I had hooked up with several male friends).
I only have one friend who I don’t let stay with me without our other friends around because he currently has a huge crush on me and has tried to push my boundaries recently. So, if the friend is like this I can see you not wanting her to stay at your BFs. If the crush is old then I’d be okay with it. Obviously assuming she’s sleeping on the couch or an air mattress in another room and that you trust your boyfriend.
What if she stayed at your BF’s and your BF stayed with you during her visit? That sounds like a good compromise to me.
Anon
She said “visiting BF’s city” so I think she and her BF are long distance.
Anonymous
This friendship is gross and I’d already have dumped him over it.
Senior Attorney
Honestly I think it’s not only an okay boundary to set, but I would have alarm bells if he even suggested it, given that he’s been bragging about how she’s been inappropriate with him.
Anonymous
Exactly.
Cat
yeah, I would proceed with caution here based on the stories, but tbh… if your bf was going to cheat, wouldn’t you rather he just do it now so you can know he’s a cheater and dump him before you waste any more time?
Anon
The context made me wonder if this was all a less than ethical incremental lead up to proposing some kind of poly arrangement.
Dr. The Original ...
maybe or maybe not… lots of unknowns in the bit of info you’ve shared that may help you decide or determine what more to ask the bf.
If they’ve visited each other for ages with one crashing on the other’s couch and they planned this trip to be this way, it may not work (and could create issue long-term) that she will suddenly be expected to come up with hundreds of dollars for hotels and ubers because new gf is uncomfortable. If you’re serious with your bf, why not come up with some things to do the 3 of you and all 3 of you stay at his place? Or if your place is bigger, why not suggest the 3 of you stay at your place? Then, you could feel more comfortable with the sleeping arrangements and then also they could hang out on the couch sometimes while you’re in the other room so they still get their solo friend time.
I would also be clear with yourself on your boundaries overall here. If you trust him fully, why not ask him if he feels uncomfortable about it now that he’s in a relationship or ask how things have been when he’s dated someone in the past or when he’s visited when she’s dated someone in the past? If it’s no big deal to him and you know you can trust him, why not trust him to draw the boundary since he’ll have to do that at work and throughout your long life together? If you think he can’t or won’t draw the boundary, what does that say about him for you?
What if he suggested that he pays for a 2 bdrm hotel room that they both stay in so that they can have late night hangs with more space? Is it possible he’s played up prior interest in him to make you feel like you really got a catch?
It might be a good time to discuss opposing s3x friendships with him and what you’re okay with and what he is as this may be different in each situation or friendship.
Nesprin
I think its an ok conversation to have, i.e. where else could she stay, why did she want to crash at your apartment etc. But if you’re uncomfortable with the idea, then you’re uncomfortable about it, and that’s something your BF should know.
Anon
If you can’t raise your concern with him without him getting defensive or having it hurt your relationship, then the female friend isn’t the problem. You need to be able to express your boundaries and your feelings.
Anon
If my BF told me who I could have as a guest in my home and by implication that he didn’t trust me, I would break up with him.
thanksgiving anxiety
I think that’s a reasonable boundary in general. I can think of some exceptions but not here. It’s really immature for your bf to continually tell you stories about how into him this girl is but then continue hanging out with her and creating this 1-on-1 situation. He shouldn’t even put you in this position to have to request it. Crashing at his place for one night isn’t necessarily a big deal if ya’ll are like poor college students and she has a job interview or something, but if she’s only going to his city to visit him, that’s a definite no.
I just don’t really care for this kind of drama anymore and I would most likely be done. This is the type of BS I put up with in my 20s and it never ended well.
Anonymous
I think it’s not an unreasonable boundary to set. However, I’ve crashed at lots of male friends’ apartments in the living room in my 20s and not hooked up with them, and my now DH has had female friends stay with him in a studio (on an air bed or couch) in the past. I think it comes down to – if you trust your partner, you trust them. If you don’t, you don’t. If you don’t trust them, they can hook up even if she’s not staying with him. so…. it’s not an unreasonable boundary, but I think at the end of the day it just comes down to whether or not you really trust them
Anon
If my boyfriend were to have a female friend visiting his city, would it be an okay request for me to ask that she not stay with him in his one-bedroom? I trust him fully, but I have never met this friend and I feel like some stories he’s told me about her have been iffy (i.e., she used to have a crush on him, she is a bit clingy and pushy with texting and calls, she has told him intimate details about her gardening life). I feel like I’d just feel weird about it and want to avoid having a situation I’d have to manage feelings around, but also don’t want to veer into being controlling. Is this an okay boundary to set?
Liza
If it’s a one-bedroom, does that mean he has a door he can close, and a couch? If so I’m not sure it’s reasonable to ask that the friend not stay on the couch – I’d completely agree that it would be inappropriate to share a bedroom. The concern/boundary seems less about whether it’s reasonable for her to stay with him when she visits per se and more about the nature of their friendship overall – if she used to have a crush on him and is inappropriately intimate, why are they still such close “friends” that she is visiting him from out of town? Also, how long have you and bf been together and how old are you? Is there a visit imminent or is this just a hypo?
Anon
Any recommendations on a long sleeve top in a cobalt blue to wear under suit blazer? I tend to look best in cobalt blue but my only tops are either sweaters or short-sleeve blouses. Hoping to find a button up or long sleeve blouse to be able to wear in the winter with a suit. Thanks in advance!
Anon
https://www.chicos.com/store/product/Sand-Wash-Satin-Shirt/570333983?color=5398&size=9908&CMP=csc_goog_pla&utm_content=autoag0000x18023771268&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgumHs_PR-wIVtRXUAR3cngc1EAQYAyABEgI04fD_BwE
Anon
Nordstrom has quite a few that look cobalt-ish on my screen from the brand CeCe, but they’re all polyester and don’t have great reviews.
Anon
Lucky sizes on this one
https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/hobbs-london-aspyn-blouse?ID=4249045&utm_source=rakuten&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=affiliates&ranMID=13867&ranEAID=z1KL9yrNyf4&ranSiteID=z1KL9yrNyf4-hq43_Wb770i.Ug3wPe7dxg&LinkshareID=z1KL9yrNyf4-hq43_Wb770i.Ug3wPe7dxg&m_sc=aff&PartnerID=LINKSHARE&cm_mmc=LINKSHARE-_-n-_-n-_-n&ranPublisherID=z1KL9yrNyf4&ranLinkID=1&ranLinkTypeID=10&pubNAME=ModeSens#modesens=1
Anon
comment in m-d, I posted the Chico’s one but Hobbs brand Aspyn has a cobalt as well. I posted a link to Bl00mingale’s, but it might be found elsewhere
Anon
https://www.nyandcompany.com/Bow-Neck-Jewel-Button-Blouse/A-prod25890007?cid=seo_sag_shopping_Shirts&selectedColor=SULLIVAN%20BLUE
Anon
https://www.chicos.com/store/product/Touch-of-Cool-Gathered-Neck-Top/570335352?color=5398&size=9906&CMP=csc_goog_pla&utm_content=autoag0000x17086255435&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrXY8onTVD91XkctbHd83D0JIHSDBbuZEad6AO7-6Wb_qGhaujOBAAaAnQPEALw_wcB
anon
I’m looking for a pair of casual pants in black that I can wear to work on jeans days, which aren’t super frequent. I never feel comfortable in my ability to gauge which styles are work appropriate for someone at my level, so I’d rather just skip the whole thing and wear comfy pants that are not jeans. Joggers feel too casual. Any ideas? I carry my weight in the hips and thighs, so stretch is always appreciated.