Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Neiman Marcus Sale Alert!

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1. I have free money for school and need a constructive way to spend it. I work in cybersecurity, but in a GRC management capacity, not a heavily technical one (my undergrad degree is totally unrelated). I’m mid-career and more interested in the business and strategy side of things with a pinnacle career goal along the lines of CISO or pivoting into a non-IT leadership role. I have a great job and no desire to relocate at the moment, so I’m looking for fully online programs. My understanding is that the type of MBA I’d be able to pursue is not terribly useful, but please correct me if I’m wrong about that. Does anyone have personal experience with or know of a great, online, management-focused Information Security program I should look into?

   1. What about a certification kind of related to infosec? Like ACEDS or the CIP?

   2. If you want to be a CISO, you need some kind of domain competency. A CISSP isn’t a technical certification and would be a good place to start if you don’t already have one. There is a website somewhere with a bunch of DoD or NSA partner schools – I can’t remember which org put it together, but it’s full of schools like UMC, CMU, Temple, UCF, Iowa, Penn State, Capitol Technology University, etc that have some type of approved curriculums. I would start by looking at those schools to see if they have any online cyber management or risk management Master’s that would fit your needs. You could also maybe look at SANS, but I would only take a class there vs a degree.

      1. Any particular reason you would not recommend the SANS degree programs? I’ve taken a few of their classes and was considering their MSISM. I’d be really interested in feedback good or bad.

         1. I don’t have direct experience with this, but I’ve heard it’s not as well-regarded. So, good information in the classes, but the credential itself isn’t as valuable – at least that’s how I would interpret that.

         2. SANS for training classes is fine, but it’s also known as the Wal-mart of security training. Getting a SANS MS or similar degree is less prestigious, more like going to ITT tech or similar even if the quality of education is not bad.

      2. Thanks! Yes, they’re called “Centers of Academic Excellence,” in case anyone else is interested. That’s my short list, but the only one I know grads from is UMUC, so I’m hoping to compare some more first-hand accounts.

         I’m also curious about SANS. I’ve attended a few of their week-long classes, always on my work organization’s dime, but I hadn’t looked into their accredited program. And actually wasn’t aware they had one until I googled it just now.

         1. One of my tasks involves working with some of these universities and really I think any of them on the list is fine to choose from – the most valuable thing you will get beyond the basic info is the piece of paper and name recognition. In my experience, the more technical info you can stomach the better. Of the upper management at my company and the mentors I’ve had that have moved on to CIO roles, they are all very technical. The most successful one, the CIO at a very large company, was extremely technical. Being able to understand the technical basics and speak intelligently will get you very far if you are committed to cybersecurity as your path. People in this field are snobby that way.

2. Speaking of crop tops, I went to an event last weekend and saw a few women wearing these white crop tops with kind of high waisted skirts, such that it only showed an inch or so of skin. I don’t remember exactly what the tops looked like, but they were some sort of springy looking cotton fabric, maybe lace. Has anyone seen anything like that?

   1. I love that look! Someplace like ASOS, Urban, or Forever 21 should have tons of options.

      1. Also try H&M, Target and any store that caters to teens (such as Windsor).

   2. Aritzia (and more specifically the brand Wilfred at Aritzia)- I tried on a ton of that stuff this past weekend.

   3. This has been a look for a long long time. I would almost venture a guess that it’s heading out of style fairly soon–maybe not this summer, but soon.

3. My husband has an interview today and was trying to keep it quiet in his office so he brought his suit to mine(different building, same campus) and planned to come over and change in the locker room in the basement. About 10 minutes before he was due to arrive, the fire alarm went. Luckily I was in my office and grabbed the suit before we were ushered out of the building but if I had stepped out for coffee, he wouldn’t have been able to access his suit and would have had to go to the interview in cords and a casual button-down shirt.

   Curious what you would have done in those circumstances? Would you have explained to the interviewer? Brazened it out?

   1. Bought another suit in a frantic panic in if I could, if not explain to interviewer. I’d also simplify “sorry I’m so casual- brought my suit to the office to change without tipping anyone off that I’m interviewing and then got caught on the wrong side of a fire drill.” But I also would leave enough buffer time to wait out the drill or anything else unexpected.

   2. I probably would have explained in the interview. It would be a hilarious story and your interviewers would definitely remember you.

      1. I might have as well. It’s a second interview so they know he knows how to dress appropriately. Sitting here with fingers and toes crossed.

      2. Yes, I would have explained the situation and I can’t imagine it would have been much of a problem.

         Good luck to him!

      3. It could be viewed as a good test (for both the prospective employee and prospective employer). Can you/they roll with the punches and be flexible in the face of unanticipated problems, have a sense of humor, that sort of thing.

      4. I would tell the story but also be COMPLETELY freaking out over it internally and worrying (probably needlessly).

   3. I got stuck in on the wrong side of Park Avenue when the president was in town so I had to email to let the interviewer know that I couldn’t get to the interview in time. I had left 25 minutes early for a 5-7 minute walk, but then got stopped at minute 3 and stood there for 25 minutes because they had shut the crossings between 42 and 59 so the was just no way to get across Park Ave without being late anyway (and were holding subways underground or something weird)

4. I need help curbing overeating. I have no problem with going to the gym or getting motivated to work out. I go 4-5 times a week. But I cannot resist good food, especially at social gatherings where I’m exposed to food for long periods of time (happy hours, dinner parties) and can’t escape the temptation. Sure, it’s easy to eat a chicken breast and vegetables at home and then walk away from the kitchen. But how do I handle it when I’m at someone’s house for dinner and we’re having wine and cheese for an hour before the main course is even served? I eat 10,000 crackers and cheese and then I still stuff myself at dinner.

   I also work in an office with TONS of free food. There are always leftovers from meetings, there’s a snack bin, and there are regularly food events like baking competitions.

   How do I find a balance between enjoying treats and knowing when to stop?

   1. I struggle with this too. For work, my rule is that I don’t eat food just because it is there. I pack my lunch, go get a salad, or eat a reasonable serving of the lunch I am given in a meeting. That is it. Zero candy, zero cookies. I will eat cake for showers. I just can’t do moderation because it becomes everything.

      For the dinner party situation, I try and sit far from the cheese, keep my hands full, and go slowly.

      I also find tracking what I eat helps. All those little bites add up quickly.

   2. This is totally me if I just do what I want! Two things that help: Track your calories (or just write down all the food you eat). “Ban” certain foods for yourself with no exceptions (e.g., cookies) – sounds kind of draconian, but it was the little exceptions that would lead to overeating to me.

      1. I agree with this. Some people are moderators and some are abstainers. Some people can have 1 bite of cake and be happy. I think I have literally never have just 1 bite of cake in my life. It’s easier for me to just abstain and not introduce temptation into my life.

   3. I had an issue with the free Cheez-Its, specifically, in our office. I finally had to tell myself that Cheez-Its are only for vacations. Now, not only do I look forward to the trip, I look forward to snacking on Cheez-Its in the car or on the plane.

      1. Mmm Cheez-Its. Yummy.

         I have the same rule for In-N-Out. Road trips only.

         I really look forward to road trips now.

   4. A couple strategies. For parties, eat something somewhat substantial (and healthy) before you go so you’re not hungry for appetizers. I also find that when I have a drink in my hand (could just be water), I’m less likely to go for food. Stand far away from the food.

      For work – bring your own food and become picky about what to have as a treat. Eat the delicious, soft, chewy cookie and skip the hard chips ahoy (or vice versa, if that’s what you’re into). Stay away from the breakroom if that’s what it takes.

      The key is really paying attention to your body. Are you eating out of hunger or just because it is there? Also, it helps me to brush my teeth or chew gum (of course you wouldn’t want to chew gum in front of clients or executives).

      I just started reading French Women Don’t Get Fat. The author’s premise is basically to let yourself indulge to a certain extent, but eat healthy, flavorful, clean foods the majority of the time so you won’t feel bad about indulging.

      1. I agree that being picky and having high standards can be helpful. For example, I try to avoid bad bread. Really good bread is such a great thing, so I’ll eat it if it’s available, but if presented with mediocre bread, I try to remind myself how not good it is compared to really great bread, and that makes it not really worthwhile. (Same with other baked goods, particularly store-bought ones.)

   5. I challenge the person who says they don’t struggle with this at all ever.

      I used to eat lots of crappy 100 calorie packs and sub-par tortilla chips. My mother got me really into the idea of mindful eating- part of which is, if you’re going to have a cookie, have exactly the cookie you want, not some crummy vending machine invitation. If I want to have potato chips, I’ll wait and have exactly the right brand that I’m sure is super fresh and will be absolutely delicious.

      At social occasions, I try and stop once I realize I’m not tasting the cheese anymore and am just eating to eat. Or, if the cheese isn’t *great*, I can actually stop myself and say, ‘This isn’t worth it.’

      I also agree with the above posters that I use brushing my teeth/chewing on gum as a way to stop myself (especially when I’m baking!) and tend to drink lots of water or club soda at events where I would otherwise be eating.

      1. Yes! Eating a “healthy” or reduced calorie version of what you want rarely helps curb your craving, as you’re gonna stay hungry for the food you really want until you finally eat it, so it’s best to eat what you want and be done with it!

   6. I agree with so many of the recommendations here. I just tell myself that I don’t eat snacks at the office. I’ll occasionally have a little piece of chocolate, but only if it’s good chocolate. During Carnival season, I just say “I don’t eat king cake.” I generally don’t like sweet yeast dough treats so it’s easier for me to just say it’s not worth it.

      One thing I’ve discovered is if I’m needing to feel like I’m snacking on something (as in eating a bunch of a little thing like you’d do with chips) is a pile of vegetables (carrots, blanched green beans and snap peas, grape tomatoes) and hummus or a big bowl of edamame.

      I do have problems with getting hangry because I need to eat something and there’s nothing handy and healthy to eat. Been trying to avoid that by having reasonably healthy snacks available or knowing where I can grab something.

   7. I agree with much of the advice. I’d also advise setting time limits for yourself. For instance, if you’re at a party and really tempted to eat some cheese, say to yourself “I can go get some in 20 minutes,” or “I can get some after I drink this club soda,” or something to that effect. At work, too – tell yourself that you can eat at 3 PM, or something like that, so you’re not reaching for the food as often.

   8. Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel has some great tips on this sort of stuff. For parties or tailgates or anything similar — I make myself 1 small plate (like an appetizer plate) of snack food and just eat that and throw the plate away. So I don’t eat directly from a chip/dip platter, I’ll put it all on my plate first.

   9. I generally agree with comments regarding abstainers vs. moderators. I lean toward being an abstainer, which makes social events more challenging. It’s easier for me to control overeating in an office or home environment.

      At home or in the office when I start to feel peckish and crave something unhealthy, I try to remember to ask myself if I would eat an apple [or insert healthy food that I have at my desk] right now. If the answer is no, then I might not actually be hungry. Then I drink water or tea and wait until I actually am hungry.

      Dinners, happy hours, etc. are always more challenging for me because of the social aspect and because I generally *want* to eat jalapeno poppers and fries and cheese and nachos. But I am trying to employ a Marie Kondo approach to these sorts of things – does this fifth (or tenth, or twentieth) piece of cheese bring me joy? I have also found that drinking more slowly curbs my overeating in these situations. It’s hard to not eat all the things when you’re on your third drink.

      1. Yes. Drinking less is my number one eating management strategy socially.

      2. Sadly, my answer to your Marie Kondo style question is that yes, the 20th piece of cheese brings me just as much joy as the first. That said, I could probably go a year without cake and be ok.

   10. Not sure if you are still reading, but I have to say this changed dramatically for me once I started eating more healthy fat on a regular basis. Cooking veggies with coconut oil or grassfed butter has been a game changer. I feel more satiated (and have practically no sugar cravings, which is huge for me) and have found that because I am not creating a constant feeling of deprivation, I don’t binge when things are put in front of me because it’s my “last chance” to have this food for a while. Your comment about eating chicken breast and veggies at home made me wonder if this may be part of the equation.

       I sometimes still need to tell myself – this is not the last cheese in the world. If I want more tomorrow, I can have more. I have found this more helpful than saying something is strictly off limits – that always makes me want something even more. You didnt mention if you are trying to actively lose weight, but I recommend trying out If It Fits Your Macros style eating (google it). You can customize for weight loss or maintenance. Nothing is off limits if you eat it in the right proportion to the rest of your food. I’ve been eating this way for about 8 months and have lost 9% body fat combined with my workouts. Before this, I could not lose an ounce even when working out hard and consistently.

   11. I have a hard time controlling myself around cheese plates too! It’s not my fault brie is so delicious. But I generally pay attention to how much I’m eating versus how much others are eating, and try to blend my eating habits with those around me. If I’m smearing cracker after cracker and everyone else in the room has only had a couple of crackers with cheese, I’ll generally curb myself so I don’t look (or feel) like a pig.

       Same goes for cocktail shrimp, if left alone with the plate I’d probably eat them all myself, but I’ll usually catch myself going in for my 6th piece of shrimp while everyone else has only had one or two, and that’ll usually motivate me to stop or slow down. You know, to let everyone else catch up!

   12. My rule with office sweets is only to eat something if I know the person who made it. It makes it easy to avoid bad grocery store cakes, commercial cookies, etc.

       Of course, I am like a deer at a salt lick when there are chips out, so some of these suggestions would help me.

   13. Cracked up laughing at Anon in NYC’s comment at 12:15: yes, the 20th piece of cheese brings me joy! So does the 25th! and crusty bread, and the cured meat! Pure, unadulterated joy.

       More seriously, I have the same problem. If it’s there, be it cheese, a cookie, chips, celery, doesn’t matter – I will eat it. If it’s not, I don’t miss it. Like you, I work out regularly – 6 times a week, and doing high intensity swimming or HIIT class for at least 3 of those workouts. After those intense workouts I get incredibly hangry, and loading up on junk because you “earned it by working out” and the link between increased exercise and weight gain is real. I haven’t been gaining any weight (but also not losing any), but to I started tracking my food using my fitness pal, which confirmed that my eating was a lot more erratic on those heavy workout days.

       I’m not sure my eating/coping strategies are perfect but they’re working for me – always eat breakfast, always eat something before working out (within a couple hours) and always, always eat a meaningful amount of protein and something a little salty post-workout. It’s sort of a pain, but I bring a loaded lunch/snack bag to work every day. I drink about 150 oz of water per day, and when I get a craving, I have a cup of herbal tea, wait 20 minutes and re-evaluate whether I still want it or not.

5. When is it acceptable to ask for a raise?

   I am at a large company and have been in my current position a few months shy of a year. I have been generating large profits (10x more than previous years). This has garnered a lot of attention from the executives. According to a respected salary guide, I am woefully underpaid.

   Is it bad form to ask for a raise before you have completed your first year? Even after a year, should I wait for my review?

   1. I’d probably schedule an informal performance evaluation with your manager (or whoever controls things like raises in your org), maybe specifically on whatever project(s) are generating such good results. Assuming that it goes well, at the end of the eval meeting, let him/her know that you’re coming up on your 1-year mark and in light of your performance, will want to have a conversation about a raise. So, you’re not exactly asking early, but you are signally that you are going to ask.

6. My sister in law is starting the divorce process. She has a 3 month old baby. Her husband has been cheating. How can I best support her? We have been listening to her and she knows we are behind her decision 100% and she always has a place to stay until she can get back on her feet. Aside from that, what else can we do to support and help her through this process and beyond?

   1. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job already. My ex cheated when my daughter was an infant and I missed having a partner with whom I could share all the milestones and exciting moments of having an infant / toddler. There is probably so much going through her head regarding processing the betrayal, grieving the marriage and family she thought she’d have, and the divorce logistics that she won’t have the “normal” first year with baby. I appreciated my friends and family who helped plan outings to the zoo/ beach/ farm, took pictures, wrote down milestones, helped with the baby book etc. More than anything is loving her and listening is key… with no timeline or expectations. It takes so long to move forward from all that grief.

   2. I’d say other than communicating this to her as best you can – that you will support and help her; perhaps helping her find employment and recommend a good therapist.

      1. Why are you assuming she doesn’t have a job?

         1. Why are you picking a fight?

            1. I just said the same thing (except my comment ended up in moderation)

         2. Why are you making rude comments every single time Lo comments? I’ve noticed that every time she comments the first comment back in Anonymous and it is always snarky. Give it a rest.

            1. I’d love to know if they are actually the same person or an impostor. I saw someone using Shayla while I was on maternity leave (after I was back, I was looking for an old post) who was kind of picking fights (less obvious than this). But I read the comments surrounding it, and they seemed to be the same person having a discussion with him/herself. Now I always wonder how often that happens here.

            2. Because she’s a troll who assumes a woman facing sudden divorce is a stay at home mom and a woman with an unplanned pregnancy needs to be thinking about whether she has supportive menfolk. Eye roll.

         3. Because OP said “make sure she has a place to stay and get back on her feet,” which does not necessarily mean that she doesn’t have employment but does mean that she might have trouble finding a place to stay- and unemployment is one potential reason that might be a challenge for someone. Lo’s interpretation may not have been correct, but it also was not entirely unreasonable, and you’ve added nothing valuable to the discussion by picking at her for it.

            Good grief. This isn’t complex.

            1. ok…. on second thought, maybe she said it ’cause she’s a troll. What’s going on here today? Is it full moon or something?

   3. Let her talk about it as much as you can stand. It’s overwhelming and awful and all-consuming, and she will need to talk about it a lot.

      And yes, help with the baby. If she’s working, she will need help with backup child care if the baby or the caregiver gets sick. If you can’t be the backup, maybe help her get backup in place.

7. I know there are several dog owners on this site, does anyone have a recommendation for a good dog training guide? I adopted a 9-week old golden retriever puppy this past weekend and we are going to start clicker training today. He already has some basics down (sit, down) but I specifically want to work on soft mouth training and “leave it.” I live near a lot of small children and I want him to learn bite inhibition. Once he is older and fully vaccinated we will go to puppy classes, but I would like to add some structured playtime in and he’s very responsive to training so far. And any tips are appreciated. TIA!

   1. I’ve used some of Patricia McConnell’s other books and liked them. I think she has a puppy book, as well as her website/blog that talks about all sorts of dog behavior.

   2. No book recomendations per se – I did really like The Art of Rasing a puppy book – but I tell everyone to this day that the most important two things my dog learned in puppy classes were Leave It and Drop It. Saved us many a vet visit over the last 9 years!

      1. +1000000000 to The Art of Raising a Puppy by the Monks of New Skete.

   3. I fell into snapping instead of using a clicker and it is so much more convenient (since I don’t have to carry something around with me). Something to consider. I agree that leave it is important!

      1. Agree with using the clicker technique without a clicker. I knew I’d have issues carrying it around. I also use a leash that has a pocket for treats so I can have one immediately available on walks.

8. I just found out that I’m (very unexpectedly) pregnant. I have been on birth control pills since high school and could be described as a “perfect” user. I definitely did not miss any this cycle and always take them within an hour of the same time everyday. I’m not aware of taking any other medications that would’ve lower its efficacy. At this point, I’ve been told there must’ve been the perfect storm of “little things” going on.

   All of the birth control literature says that it’s ~99% effective with perfect use. I never really imagined finding myself in that remaining 1%.

   1. Do you have a stable career? Any support family or from the man? If so, just know everything happens for a reason. You’ll get through this.

      1. Or call your doctor for a referral for an abortion. Sounds like you didn’t want children and no reason why a BCP failure should change your life.

      2. What? Like, what?

      3. “Everything happens for a reason” CAN EVERYONE STOP USING THIS PHRASE EVER PLEASE

         1. Agreed. Worst.

         2. ABSOLUTE worst.

         3. YES, the worst.

         4. HATE HATE HATE this phrase.

         5. Super worst.

         6. PLEASE GOD YES.

      4. You are off to a banner start this morning

   2. Ouuf. That’s rough. Good luck.

   3. Oof. There came a time in my life when I realized it would be OK if I accidentally, unexpectedly got pregnant. But before that, it was a constant fear that my life would suddenly be upside-down (I’m pro-choice, but I don’t think I could actually choose termination for myself). I don’t know which point you’re at, but congratulations? And buy a lottery ticket?
      However you decide to handle this, good luck!

      1. Same! If you are in that place (it would be OK), give yourself time to think about it. If you’re not, terminating is an option and please don’t judge yourself. Good luck to you!

   4. Yikes. That’s rough/terrifying. Stories like this always make me question the accuracy of birth control statistics (especially after the whole “hormonal birth control isn’t as effective in heavier women” studies. How do they come up with those efficacy numbers, anyway?)

      And yea, let’s just ban the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” No. Just no.

   5. Oh crap. This is reminding me I’m waiting for my period (and I had to take plan b last week because I stopped using the pill a few months ago).

      This is really rough – sorry you’re going through this. Good luck!

   6. I imagine that you’re feeling totally shell-shocked right now, and I want you to know that I’ll be thinking of you and supporting you from afar no matter what path you choose to take going forward.

   7. I’ve been there. I was married, but my marriage was crumbling. I sat in abject horror for a few minutes after the doctor told me…and then I immediately made an appointment for an abortion. I didn’t end up needing to go through with it because I miscarried.

      Whatever you decide, know that there are legions of strong, smart women who’ve been where you are and have experienced all the same emotions you’re going through. You are not alone.

   8. Make sure you are taking vitamins — neural tubes, etc. develop very very early in the first trimester.

   9. I am either on a period that is at least 14 days + all of April + all of May (so far) long or am pregnant (although 3 negative tests say I’m not and since I’ve been pregnant before, I know what me pregnant feels like and I don’t feel like that). I’m older (mid-40s) and married. Still: I may well be with you.

      1. Please, please call your doctor and get an appointment. I spotted for 10 weeks, and it turned out I was having a very slow miscarriage (had no idea I was pregnant), but before those test results came back, doctors were very concerned about the possibility of some extremely serious medical conditions (read: ovarian cancer). I’m trying not to scare you, but NO REALLY, go to the doctor.

      2. This just happened to a family member. She had a tumor (which turned out to be benign thankfully!) on her uterus and just had a hysterectomy. Definitely make an appointment with your doc.

         OP that’s rough. Im always afraid I’ll be that 1% who gets pregnant on BC. I hope you have a good support system around you no matter what you decide to do.

      3. Really? I thought that that was how things are in your mid-40s. The long slide of perimenopause. No? Last OB/GYN apptment showed no sign of fibroids (common in my family, although they cause near-constant bleeding).

         1. My family member was only 32, so that may have been an important factor. In your situation I’d still get it checked out unless your annual was really recent.

         2. Maybe perimenopause, maybe not. I’ve experienced long (8-9 days) periods and missed periods but not bleeding for two months straight. Call your OB/Gyn.

   10. Whatever your choice, know that lots of us have been there. I suffered the failure of 2 (!) forms of birth control and was angry at the world. Like, if something statistically improbable had to happen to me, why not winning the lottery?

   11. It’s not really clear from your post how you’re feeling, but please give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions are popping up without feeling guilty about it. Whether that’s unhappy, frustrated, secretly thrilled, whatever. I beat myself up about feeling frustrated and a little angry about my surprise pregnancy, because it was really only less than ideal and not the end of the world for me at that point. It helped when a friend suggested I let myself feel however I was feeling, so that I could process those emotions and move on.

   12. Yes, please feel whatever you want to feel about this, and know that the vast majority of us will support whatever decision you make. If you do not want to continue the pregnancy, make sure you know the laws in your state so you don’t find yourself forced to travel unexpectedly to a neighboring state for medical treatment.

   13. This is one of my worst nightmares! Big hug and I’ll make you a virtual cup of tea.

   14. Thank you all for your replies. I haven’t had the chance to discuss this yet with anyone in real life and so having this outlet online was really valuable this morning.

       I could not be more unprepared to be a mother if I actually tried. I am employed but extremely job insecure. I do have a partner I don’t believe either of us have illusions of our relationship being long-or life!-term.

       I am feeling so many emotions. On one hand, a slight sense of “aha” because I’ve been exhausted and irritable and not myself and this might be part of why. Moreso a complete sense of shock because pregnancy wasn’t even on my radar as a potential cause. And finally, more happy to be a Torontonian than I’ve ever been (and that’s saying something, because I’m always thrilled to live here). It’s an indescribable relief that I’ll be able to easily access what comes next (an abortion I’m sure most have already figured) without any concern of costs or societal judgment.

       Thank you so much again, Hive. Your compassion is sincerely appreciated.

       1. Good luck. Hopefully you’ll have some local support but just in case you don’t, we’ll be here.

       2. Another TO person- I support ANY decision you make. If you need someone local for ANY reason post some way I can message you.

   15. I was not excited when found out I was expecting even though DH and I had pulled the goalie. It took me quite awhile to come to terms and rudely responded to a lot of “OMG CONGRATS!!” comments even six months later. Give yourself some time to adjust to the shock of it all.

       1. What does “pulled the goalie” mean?

          OP, I agree with waiting to feel emotions. I trust you and I know you’ll make the right decision for you. I’m glad you have a support system.

          1. “Pulled the goalie” usually refers to ceasing use of birth control but not actively “trying.” A sort of “if it happens, wonderful! if not, that’s fine too” mindset. Of the couples I know who’ve done it, they were ready to start a family, but had enough time on their clocks that they didn’t want to call it TTC and impose all the pressure and anxiety that brings just yet.

9. The HR lady at my job went off on me today – altercation style because I caught discrepancy in payroll. When I came to her office with her door open and at the top of her voice – in a raised voice she proceeded to tell me I am actually at fault.

   I was humiliated, and didn’t feel comfortable being spoken to that way.

   What else can I do and who other than my boss (who will most likely do nothing), can I report her to?

   1. No one? She doesn’t have to be nice to you. Just try to minimize interaction with her.

      1. +1

         Quick apology to her if the error was yours and your tone with her was rough. Let it go.

         Are you quite young? Agree that niceness is not a job requirement.

      2. When is it appropriate to raise your voice to a coworker? I don’t think this is a niceness issue as it is presented, this sounds to me like it’s simply inappropriate in a work environment.

         1. No, it is inappropriate for sure. But if the boss doesn’t care there is no one else to report it to.

   2. Nothing? Was she right that you were actually at fault? If not than run it up your chain that you think something needs to get fixed but you don’t report someone for calling you out

   3. I’m not sure I’d say anything to the boss. I’d try to take the high road, be respectfully, and kill her with kindness. Depending on your office, and the relatively like or dislike for the HR lady, your boss may find out, and it will look good on you that you kept your cool.

      Assuming this behavior is regularly tolerated, you might want to look for a new place to work. I was in the military where yelling was tolerated and in some cases expected. I have a high tolerance for being yelled at and keeping my cool, but I do not like it. Which is not to say I’m huge on coating criticism with pleasantries, but in my opinion yelling at employees has no place in the corporate world.

      1. I agree. Whlie niceness is not mandatory at the office, respect is. If it happened again, I would ask HR lady to not speak to me that way.

   4. Who is this new troll?

      1. Oh good someone else sees it.

      2. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the first comment, then the second…, then this one. Sigh.

         1. Yep. Seems like someone determined to put us professional working women back in our “place” in the kitchen….

10. I need help with a bad family situation.

    My uncle (50) lives with my grandma (75-80?) and it is a terrible situation. Compounding this is that he lives there with his 5 year old child (child’s mom is not in the picture). He’s been living there for slightly over 3 years.

    From what I can tell, my uncle and my grandma fight constantly (I have made clear to both of them that they can’t complain about each other to me, so I only hear bits and pieces from people like my mom). I don’t think he hits her, but he is verbally abusive and is probably causing property damage. His daughter is suffering as a result – lashing out at school and at home. My mom is convinced he’s going to really hurt my grandma one day (maybe, or my mom is being melodramatic).

    My grandmother is not the easiest person to live with and get along with. There are certainly changes she could make in herself that would make the situation better, but doing that is beyond her (and I guess maybe she shouldn’t have to, it is her house). In my opinion my uncle is 75% of the problem and she is 25% of the problem. She will not call the police or have him evicted.

    Basically, my uncle needs to move out (he probably also needs to go to rehab, take anger management classes, and have someone else take primary custody of his child, but one thing at a time). He has zero places to go. He has a small child. He does not have a reliable source of income and refuses to get a steady job (and it’s not clear what kind of job he could get). No family is going to take him in. He’s had all these issues in the past and he’s made it work, but now that he has free rent and a child it doesn’t seem like he has any impetus to figure things out.

    Is there a resource we can use to figure this out? Is the only choice to get a restraining order and have him evicted? Is there a type of social worker we can talk to?

    1. Does your gramma want him out?

       1. OK so I was about to post an enthusiastic “YES sorry if that wasn’t clear from the above” but now that you asked me (and maybe it isn’t clear from the story)….she says she wants him out, but I’m not sure she does. Let’s assume she does, and that the entire family situation will be made better if he leaves.

          1. crap, there goes my anonymity.

          2. In that case, try a geriatric social worker.

             1. Can you give me more specifics? How do I find one of these, what can I expect this person to do?

             2. My (limited) experience involved getting a referral from grandma’s Doctor, and then the social worker provided us with more info about options. my parents thought of it as a way to get more ideas.

             3. My county website has a link in the Human Services area

    2. Has anyone tried talking with the Uncle about what’s going on, at a time when everyone is calm?

       Sounds like he needs to see his doctor, and start working on his issues. There likely are underlying pschuatric issues here, as explosive anger in men + no working + substance abuse.

       A geriatric social worker is not really helpful here…. Unless you want them to assess your grandma is at risk and report abuse. Is that where we are at? Trying to get the child taken away probably as well?

       1. We’ve tried talking, and the end result is that he wants to move, he has no money, where do we want him to go, and has he told you how difficult his mother is being? It’s come from a lot of different people so I don’t think that avenue is getting us anywhere.

          I agree that he needs to see a doctor but he’s not going to. His daughter was in therapy for a little while but he stopped sending her when the therapist started suggesting that he needed to go to therapy.

          I think we are at risk assessment and report abuse. I don’t see another way to handle this. I’m not worried about the child being taken away – I assume that if she is, my mom will step up and take her in, or I can.

          1. For the 5 year old’s sake please report this to your state agency for children. Being in a home with constant fighting/ verbal abuse/ un-medicated mental health issues is neglect. This will affect her for many years to come.

             1. + infinity

    3. Is any other family member located close enough to do regular check ins? My family had a similar situation but one of my uncles would drop in unexpectedly 3 or 4 days a week to make sure living conditions hadn’t deteriorated and that grandma was being taken care of. He’d also take grandma out for lunch or a movie a couple times a week to make sure she was getting out of the house. It was a system that worked to help make sure grandma was taken care of but didn’t cause a major upheaval with all of grandma’s kids.

       1. Yes, my mom and my other uncle are very close and regularly drop by (once a week each). (I’m close too but I can’t get too involved because my first inclination is to solve every problem and I can’t solve this one). Thank you for saying this. I feel like this situation is spiraling out of control and that no one else has this amount of crazy in their family, and I try to remind myself that this stuff unfortunately happens all the time.

          1. May I gently suggest you get the kid out of there as fast as possible because we don’t yet know the extent to which mental illness is inherited vs a response to individual situations – the longer the child is there the more likely you’ll have a new problem to clean up in the next generation. Adults do what they do, but the kid can’t control her dad so help her get out

    4. Here’s the order I would do things:

       1) Primary custody of child goes to someone else while the substance, anger, neglect issues are still screaming loud and clear for a judge to see. Petition for guardianship or file for a restraining order, depends a lot on the laws in your state. Talk to a family law attorney about this or contact resources for women/children who are abuse survivors. If I know a geo area I can recommend an agency, most likely.

       2) Then once child is out of this situation, get him out– via eviction or some other way. Get that child out of the house and his care before you address any other issues. The more bleeding and awful the issues are, the easier it will be to get custody. This will unquestionably piss him off and cause a lot of family drama, but minimizing the child’s exposure to all of it is the single most important thing. I love grandma too, but the kid has to come first.

       3) In an ideal world, once he has lost custody and has actual skin in the game, he can go to anger management or substance treatment or counseling or all of it at the judge’s direction to get his kid back. That’s his motivation. And if he doesn’t, it’s his loss.

       1. I’m in NYC. Thanks!

11. Help me decide my life:

    Vote No or Yes

    1. Flan.

    2. Sleep on it.

       1. oh, it has been slept on.

    3. yes. that’s what you want, right? you are looking for a yes!

       1. UMMMMM are you crazy? definitely NO. I swear, the women on this board aren’t what they used to be.

          1. Who. Women are people, not things.

    4. Wine.

       1. Done.

          Also: non-responsive.

       2. Don’t forget me!

    5. No, followed by a picture of Grumpy Cat.

    6. Yes.

    7. This question is very triggering for me and I think it was rude of you to post it without thinking that there may be people reading who have past traumatic experiences with yes/no questions. And voting. And deciding.

       1. Great joke.

          Or this site has gone off the deep end today!

    8. Yes! My plan for the year was to say “yes” to more things, so I’m spreading that Yes to you!

    9. Are you in therapy? You definitely need to get into therapy ASAP.

       1. Y’all are absolutely terrible at instructions and unhelpful in my planned “random internet poll.”

          And my therapist is a busy lady.

          1. + 1 million and snorting my coffee. Because good therapy is super easy to find and pay for!

    10. A definite NO unless you are already saving 50% of your income for an emergency fund, 50% for retirement and another 50% for a down payment on a house, plus 35% invested in the stock market, which I am doing in a high cost of living area on a salary of $85K.

        1. *goes to therapy because even internet strangers cannot help her with major life choices*

        2. This and the reply might be my favorite comments ever. But I say no.

           1. Loving this entire thread.

              Also, no.

              1. +1 haha

    11. Ooh, this is kind of like what Phoebe did to Rachael on Friends when she took the pregnancy test.

    12. What does your husband say?

12. I recently started therapy and have been to two sessions so far. At the second session, my therapist recommended talking to my primary care doctor about getting a prescription for the lowest therapeutic dosage of antidepressants for my depression and anxiety symptoms. I’m not against medication but was wondering if it’s normal to recommend medication so early in the process? And while we’re at it, can anyone speak to the effectiveness of low dose antidepressants?

    1. I’ve been on the lowest dose of Lexapro for almost 15 years now. It really really helps me just keep things in control. I’m a basket case without it. Even the lowest dose can be highly effective if that’s all you need.

       1. +1

    2. Yeah it’s pretty normal. They recommend it because it works.

    3. Mine didn’t recommend it super early on but we discussed it early on- her explanation was that yea, you can keep trucking along without it and you’ll be ok, but anti-depressants can help “get your brain out of its own way” and allow you to really maximize the benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy.

    4. Yes – very normal.

       It is pretty easy to diagnose depression/anxiety, and the most effective treatments combine meds and therapy/behavior modification, so this is very appropriate.

       When you are feeling better and have developed better coping strategies / behavioral mods etc… then sometimes you can try tapering off the meds. Many will realize quickly at that point whether they shouldn’t stop meds.

    5. Totally normal, and since your therapist recommended the lowest dosage, probably a good idea. Previous therapy-only sessions only did so much for me. Then I was on lexapro for about two years, and between the meds and the therapy, I found myself a more resilient, capable person able to handle what was going on in my brain, and when I tapered off, I didn’t experience any negative side effects.

       Also note: lexapro is a pretty noninvasive drug, compared to a lot of the meds used to treat mental disorders. They prescribe it so often because it does seem to work for a lot of people without a ton of side effects (the main one is LGP-related, though, so that sucks). If your problems stem at all from anxiety, it’s a first-try strategy for most therapists, and I’ve literally never heard of anyone who had a super terrible reaction to it. Some people don’t respond as well, and just don’t get better, but it’s a good place to start.

    6. Thanks, all! This is helpful.

    7. Yes, I think it’s normal. I’ve been taking a low does of Lexapro for about 3 years and it makes a huge difference.

    8. I had a therapist recommend it early in the process for me. She explained it as a way to get a leg up on the process to reach a point where talk therapy could make a better impact. I wasn’t suicidal but was severely depressed and anxious so even though I’d taken the step to get into therapy I wasn’t really in the head space for it to get through to me. The medication helped to lift some of the feelings so that I could do the hard work in therapy.

    9. A low-dose antidepressant has been really helpful to me. I feel more like myself when I’m on it. My tip would be to find the one that works fro you. I started on prozac in my late teens. Later I tried celexa. Finally, I went to zoloft, which is the right fit for me. I’ve been on it for nearly 8 years. The prozac was helpful. The celexa was not. My mother, on the other hand, swears by celexa for her. If the first one isn’t doing what you’d like it to do after giving it the recommended time to kick in, talk to your doctor about trying something else.

    10. My doctor prescribed SSRIs the first time I went to her about depression issues. Totally normal.

13. Wanted to share a story with all of you. Yesterday, I was assaulted in the D.C. — around Logan Circle. Nothing too terrible — I guy reached over and grabbed my a**. While I realize many might think this is unwise, instead of walking on, I turned around, got in his face, and started screaming at him. At the top of my lungs. For a good five minutes. I thought about hitting him — but I didn’t. He stood there, frozen, petrified. He was clearly shocked that someone reacted this way. Then, when I was done screaming, I simply walked off. I hope he thinks twice before he does this again.

    1. ha, good for you!

    2. Really glad that worked out for you, and jealous that it worked. The only time I flat-out confronted a harasser (in DC), he got worse, and followed me for two blocks until I went into a building lobby with a security guard.

       I always want to scream at these people, but I’m always afraid of it escalating.

    3. You go girl! Thanks for speaking up for all the women who got annoyed but just brushed it off.

    4. good for you!

    5. Nice. Yesterday a ginormous pickup truck came roaring around the corner at the supermarket and nearly hit me. When I threw up my hands in a general WTF gesture, the driver yelled out the window “Fuck off.”

       I sprained my ankle badly last week so I’m walking very slowly. This means that I was still walking into the market when he approached. I told him he was driving too fast and he told me I was walking too slowly. I pointed out my walking boot. And he then proceeded to swear at me and tell me that he couldn’t see me as he came around the corner.

       Dude, if you can’t see around the corner in the PARKING LOT, you should definitely not be driving too fast. I was stunned to discover I wasn’t cursing back at him. It was my first day back at work since the injury and if anyone deserved to be swearing, it should have been me. He continued to yell and swear at me in the market. He also had a child with him.

       1. This makes me hate humanity.

       2. A lorry driver who nearly squashed me last year when I was cycling uphill used the excuse that he ‘couldn’t drive any slower’ when I stopped him to ask what on earth he was doing. Um, I have a drivers license, I know brakes exist.

       3. Someone didn’t slow down for me in a crosswalk (state law here) and I shouted, “It’s a crosswalk!” and pointed at the sign that reads, “Yield for pedestrians.” The person then swerved and HIT ME ON PURPOSE. I was uninjured but man was I mad as h3ll and also, five minutes later, scared as sh!t.

          1. This makes me proud of all of you! One time I was walking across the street and a lady was also crossing the street and as a truck turned the corner near us, she yelled at the driver loudly “GET OFF THE PHONE”. This was very cool. I hate seeing people drive when talking on the phone. Except my reaction was telling: I dropped everything I was carrying and felt guilty, as if it was my fault. I need to work on this.

          2. What the everloving f***?

    6. Good for you, I might have hit him. A spinning back fist to the face, in fact Or an elbow jab back to the nose.

       Probably better that you didn’t hit him.

    7. You go girl! Some random-a$$ man tried to touch me when I was walking home this week and I knocked his hand out of the way and said no. He skedaddled off. I hope those two pieces of pond scum have learned something.

    8. I recommend (link to follow):

       1. http://defendyourself.org/

    9. Go you!

       I know it’s not “recommended” but I am notorious for confronting gropers/cat-callers. I can go from zero to bats##t crazy in a second, and they are never prepared for the vitriol I unleash.

    10. Well done! I had a go at some guy for smoking near me in a non smoking area the other day (I have breathing issues and there was a sign right in front of him).

        1. To add: I only ever confront the person if they’ve put my life in danger or there are lots of people around. In those cases the risk benefit analysis works out okay.

14. Ladies..I want to get an idea of how much people spend on vacation. My parents never took a vacation and my vacation growing up was spending a week in my aunt’s house during summer. Now, I have no idea what is reasonable. I am married, no kids. our household income is $225K in a moderate cost of living area. We typically spend $3000 total for two short vacations per year. I really want to take one longer vacation (like a week) this year and $3000 is not going to cut it for two of us. But I feel I guilty about spending more than that as I feel I could use that for building assets. Then I feel sad that I cannot even take a proper vacation :-(.

    So, I have two questions:
    1. What % of your salary do you spend on vacations per year?
    2. What is actual $ amount you spend on vacations and for how many people?

    1. Last year my husband and I probably spent $10,000 on vacations between two week long trips and a couple of long weekends. The previous year we had a two-week-long honeymoon and a number of long weekends away and probably spent about $15,000. We don’t track it closely. Our combined income is about $180k. Basically, if we’re on track to hit our retirement savings and general savings goals for the year, we don’t worry about how the excess breaks down between entertainment, vacations or other. We also prioritize vacations and travel, so we live in a relatively inexpensive house, drive paid off cheaper cars, and don’t spend a ton of clothes, furniture, etc.

    2. I spend 6% on vacation – this is ~5000+ a bit on a 85k base. I get a bonus but it varies widely year to year from 2-20k so I usually try to save most of it. This usually covers a “long” vacation like a week somewhere (this year, it is Iceland), 1-2 long weekend getaways and also 1-2 weddings depending on where everything is. I try to be very low key on all the vacations though – for instance, in Iceland we aren’t staying at super nice hotels ($200-300 a night), but reasonable airbnbs ($110 a night split between 2 people) and for weekend getaways I try to at least do a few that are camping since I’m in CA. I also try to maximize use of chase points for flights and hotels, and use things like the hyatt card for free nights in hotels etc. My SO and I split things 50/50 so that helps too.

       1. PS I also grew up in a home that never took actual vacations and I felt like my eyes opened a lot when I got to college and started traveling on the school’s dime (thanks, geology major!). I really value the vacation that I can take in life while still younger and healthier and I think it’s important to enjoy yourself. Life is short and things can be uncertain. it sounds like you are very reasonable about savings and I think enjoying your life isn’t a bad choice right now – take that long vacation and splurge a little and be happy!

    3. FWIW, every other year I spend approx $2700 for a week-long trip to the greatest resort spa ever (Rancho la Puerta), where I go with female family members and girlfriends. That’s a decent percentage of my government salary, but it’s so worth it.
       We don’t do regular family vacations so I can’t really help you there.

       1. Love Rancho La Puerta!

       2. Rancho La Puerta is the best!! I save up to go about every other year.

    4. we do a bunch of long weekends every year (mostly for weddings). probably adds up to at least $2000/year.

       as far as real vacations, it’s about 1 per year, a week long, and we end up spending about $3-4k total (2 people).

       so, $6k on the high end for 2 people, and our combined income is ~$300k (but we have a lot of student debt).

    5. Just me and husband, DINKs, combined pre-tax is between 300-400K depending on bonuses. Ultimately, we try to balance the needs/wants of our future selves with our current selves!

       We typically spend about $1000-$2000 on two long weekend getaways (4-5 days each, typically using holidays), one with each set of parents. Parents pay for lodging and most food (we cook “in” most of the time, but will go out 1-2 nights and we’ll treat them one night) and we pay for our flights. So let’s average that to $3,000/year.

       Then we take one “real” vacation that’s about 10 days. Budget will vary depending on the destination that year (obviously Europe costs more…) but I’d say we average about $5,500 per trip. The most we’ve spent is about $8,500 and the least is probably $3,500. We “save” on hotels typically because we find the stunning, high end properties to be a beautiful waste of money, since we’d rather be out exploring. So we VRBO or research smaller properties that aren’t fancy, but that are still spacious, clean, private, and pleasant.

       You also have to consider your travel budget against your other discretionary spending — ex. I bet our restaurant budget is a lot lower than is typical for other couples in our earning range, because we like to putter around cooking on weekends, and we don’t drive a “nice” car.

    6. Well, I really need my vacations to recharge, and to connect with my kids. I think, ultimately, I work better when I am at work that way.

       Plus we live somewhere that is really cold in the winter.

       We spend about $10-12K on the winter vacation (9 days), depending on the exchange rate. That includes flights and a rental vehicle.
       The summer vacation (10 days) does not involve flights, so is more like $5K.

       There are 5 of us. Household income ranges from about $300-400K.

    7. For vacations? About $2k a year. Last year a week in Iceland. This year, about 2 weeks in SE Asia. That doesn’t include my incidentals, just travel and lodging (I will lean out the rest of the month for food/dining out budget and throw it at my trip, and my birthday is right before so I usually have some spare cash.) I do make up for part of this with the points/miles games – this year I’m going R/T in business and it cost me under $200 at the end of the day.

       I probably spent another $1k visiting my father who lives down the coast (flight required for a weekend trip) and another $2k on weddings, though that might go up this year.

       $77k base.

    8. Not your question, but I don’t think it matters how much other people make and what they spend. You don’t know their financial situation. Maybe they make $200k but have not student loans and take a $10k vacation every year. Maybe you make $225k and have $250k in student loans. It’s not about what you make….it’s about your total balance sheet. Don’t think of things as I deserve this or I deserve that. Check out Mr. Money Mustache.

    9. This also varies greatly based on where you live. If you live in a big city, airfare is so much cheaper. I live in a smaller West Coast city, and just to travel to visit in-laws in the Midwest it costs us around $2500 for airfare (that includes an extra seat for the kid, and sufficient leg room in economy plus for my tall self and my husband’s VERY tall self). If we want to go abroad, it is usually around $4000-$5000 for airfare alone.

    10. I net around ~85k per year. I spend ~$6000-$8000 on travel every year- usually one 2-3 week international trip, and a couple of domestic trips that have flights (I’m not including weekends away that are just driving). I also have student loans (around 40k left)

        I’m sure lots of people will squawk that I’m spending too much on travel and I should focus on student loans, but I don’t have a car, and I like frugally otherwise (bring meals to work, don’t spend a lot on dinners, etc.), I think those sacrifices are worth it so that I can travel while I’m young (early heart attacks run in my family)

    11. Our AGI last year was around $125,000. I believe we spent around $5,000 on travel, which is a little low for us since we didn’t do a big trip. We are fortunately to have relatives in awesome beach vacation destinations, so vacation for us is normally just airfare and a few meals out.

    12. I’ll just put it out there and acknowledge that, for two of us, we spent over $25k last year (possibly even close to 30 if I really want to ‘fess up), although this amount includes both vacations (for fun) and travel (for family obligations, etc). This is approx. 10% of our pre-tax income. We live outside the US, so the biggest line item within that is the flights themselves. In addition to four trips to the US to visit family (we try to combine these with business trips, but it doesn’t always work out that way), we also did three long weekends (we try to keep these under $2k/each) and one nicer-than-usual ten-day vacation ($12k).

        I grew up going on roadtrips because it was too expensive for our whole family to fly, so it can be really difficult to hit the “book now” button when I know what the total expenses are likely to be. But, as another poster said, so long as we are on-target with our financial goals, I try not to worry about it. We figure that we are at a point in our lives with the health and freedom to travel, so we need to make the most of these opportunities. We also know that there will come a day we can no longer visit our parents and these trips will become priceless. So, take this time and do what you want to do. Why else are you working?

        1. That’s about where we are. This is a big travel year for us and between the two of us I expect we will end up spending close to $30,000 for three big trips and several weekend trips. Hard to say what percent of income it is because Lovely Fiance is self-employed so (a) his income fluctuates and (b) his business pays for some expenses like his car that don’t come out of is personal income. But certainly well under 10% of combined pretax income.

           We don’t have kids at home and travel is probably our number one budget priority. (Disclaimer: no nonmortgage debt, retirement fully funded, blah blah blah…)

        2. I grew up on an island and we didn’t have the money to travel off the island for family vacations, so as an adult without children (yet), I’m prioritizing travel/vacations while I have the time and $.

           I spend $ each year to see family (or they do) but my partner and I also take several week-long vacations (2-3) each year, so I would get we spend about $12,000-$20,000 each year.

           His mother also doesn’t like gifts but loves when we take her for a weekend trip so we’ve been trying to do those as well before she becomes too frail to travel.

    13. We have 2 young kids and in the past few years we’ve had a combined income of about $375k. We’ve spent <$4000 a year, mainly one family trip (split a beach house with my sister's family) and a few weekend trips. Before kids, we would do Big Trip (europe) every other year or so, which would be $5-8k.

        This year we are making $450k and next year we'll probably be down to $250k or so as I'm going part time. We are going to stick with small trips since we are doing major home reno. And vacay with kids can be a pain since one is <1.

    14. People have different priorities. You make a decent income and if you can pay your bills you should go on the kind of vacation you want. We all need to remember that we work to live, not live to work.

        My husband and I make a combined 500k in a high cost of living area. Most years we take a week at our kids’ spring break, a week at the beginning of the summer and a week at the end of the summer. Typically, one of these weeks will involve flying somewhere (we like Hawaii) and the other two will be road trips to not terribly expensive hotels or rental houses. The flying vacations can cost 3000-5000 depending on whether I have miles/points to use for airfare and hotel. The road trip vacations usually cost less than half that amount. We don’t really keep track of our total spending on vacation, like restaurant meals, because we usually only go to one “fancy” meal per trip and the rest is the kind of takeout stuff we usually get at home, so it’s more or less in line with a non-vacation week.

    15. 1. We’re spending 2.5%–which when I look at it that way, doesn’t seem like very much.

        2. We’re splitting a beach house with my husband’s parents for 7 days, so that means cooking family meals in the kitchen and focusing on relaxing. 4 adults, 2 kids, 1 dog.

        Anything that looked interesting for a family of 4 for 1 week (Disney, various beaches, even Colonial Williamsburg) all seemed to need a budget of at least $2,500. I’m picky about lodging because I think a scary hotel can absolutely ruin a trip, and I try to research admission/ticket costs and add that in.

        Stay-cations can also add up to almost as much as a trip. Zoo, museums, local amusement parts, going out to eat for a whole week of fun can add up to a horrifying amount. We decided to just spend a little more and go to the beach.

    16. For us, it depends on where we’re going, but usually around 5-10K for a 2 week/ish vacation abroad (numbers vary depending on how much we can get on points. Another 2-3K on weekends away. In total around 5% of after-tax income. No kids though & travel is important to us.

    17. Thank you every one…It gives me some perspective. We are financially secure, we don’t have any loans (student loan, credit card, car loan etc) and as we are not sure if we want to live in our city long term, we have not bought a house. Given the way I grew up, it is hard to spend money on travel. When I was young, I always told myself that I will travel when I start earning . Now that I am at a stage when I can spend, some how it is hard !!!

        I live in CA, so many National Parks are at driving distance to us, so I have always done one CA National Park or city as a very cheap trip that cost around $750 – $1000 and one out of state National Park or city as another trip which costs around $2000 – $2250. I was happy with that till this year as it was an upgrade from a life with no real vacations at all and I never thought about taking longer/expensive vacations as it was clearly out of my reach. Now I feel we have saved up enough (around $500K in assets), I want to take a break and enjoy a longer vacation.

        1. okay, really? You have no debt and $500k in assets, and you’re worried about taking a vacation? Are you kidding?

           GO ON A VACATION

           1. Seriously. Some people are so weird about saving and money, I don’t get it. Life is too short to be that cheap.

              1. For real. I make under 6 figs, I have student loan debt, and a mortgage, and I spent ~$1500 on vacation last year. This year I will probably spend a bit less because of what I am choosing to do and for how long (Acadia vs. Culebra).

              2. Well..our needs are simple and we don’t have children (yet). We spend where it matters to us(like comfortable and safe apartment, all organic food, entertaining friends and family, few but quality clothes and taking care of them well etc). We don’t spend money where it doesn’t matter to us, like we don’t have expensive cars, we will not buy a big house, we don’t spend a lot on eating out, we don’t have house cleaning service etc.

                 We spend $4000 to visit our families who live in a different country three weeks every year as it is also important for us. I didn’t include this in vacation budget because that is really not a vacation. Most of the time when we visit our families, we take parents to their doctor’s appointments, taking care of things that they cannot do themselves or difficult to do and spending remaining time with them. That is one of the reason we cannot take longer vacation because most of our vacation days are used up in family visit.

                 You really don’t have to be cheap and pinch pennies to save money and there is nothing weird if some one follows a simple lifestyle and ends up with savings. I am not used to taking long vacations other than family visits, so I just don’t know what is reasonable.

              3. What’s reasonable for you is what’s reasonable for you. No one here can tell you what is reasonable for you based on your own circumstance. For example, because of my own situation and or upbringing, I may think $10k on vacation a year (or $0 for that matter) is unreasonable (FOR ME). But that in no way should reflect on someone who chooses to do so based on their own priorities or situation.

                 Asking what’s reasonable for something that is so personal and relies on so many variables is kind of a waste of time IMO because I don’t get to tell you how to spend your money just like you don’t get to tell me how to spend mine.

                 Like a while back when I was fretting about spending $3k on a hearing aid surgery because for ME spending that much money seemed unreasonable, whereas the majority of folks said it was a worthwhile way to spend $3k.

           2. +1

15. Please link to some of the crop tops at NM!

16. For those who don’t have laundry in your unit, do any of you have one of those small capacity washer and dryers that are portable? I’m tired of dealing with the laundry room and would love an in unit appliance. I looked around and there are portable ones that hook up to one’s faucet. Do these work and are they safe? The capacity to wash and dry clothes is much smaller of course but I am fine with that.

    1. I have one! I live in a midtown studio and threw up my hands on year 2 over having to haul my stuff to the laundromat in the middle of the winter. I LOVE it. It’s just like a portable dishwasher – don’t overfill it and it works. I run frequent loads throughout the week of clothes. I still go to the laundromat for my big items (sheets, duvets, comforters) but that’s reduced to once a season or so because I’ll wash them all and then have a stash of clean ones.

       1. Thank you so much! Can you tell me which model you have? I’m assuming you hook yours up to a faucet?

          Any issues with safety?

          Also, did you investigate whether these appliances are allowed under your lease?

          1. I have the most popular hario one, around 250 but i dont remember the model off the top of my head and am still at work unfortunately. I just hook it up to the aink and tuck it into the corner when its not being used. I dont leave it on overnight but will be in/out as it goes and it has been fine. I honestly don’t know if i’m allowed to have one but … Even if i cant i would just drape a cloth over it in the corner- my huilding is new enough to handle the voltage requirements. I dont use a dryer and have a rack.

       2. I have a “euro” as part of my unit (that I wasn’t supposed to have but shhhhhhhhhh I’m not telling anybody), but the same thing applies. I was behind on wash when I moved and it’s killing me. But I think once I’m up to speed it’ll be great, and there are actually W/D in my building for things like towels.

    2. I used to have one of these in my apartment but it was terrible at drying clothes — they would come out still damp and very wrinkled even after a long time in the combined washer/dryer. I forget the brand, so can’t “un-recommend” it specifically – sorry! But if you don’t mind line drying (or get a better brand/model), it could work out well. (I think the people who lived in the apartment before me line dried a lot of their stuff.)

17. My mom is having a double knee replacement in a few weeks. Has anyone had a family member have the surgery? What can I get her to make her more comfortable? Any clothing recs in particular?

    1. I just had my knee scoped, so not nearly as complex as what your mom will have, and I know Kat just had ACL surgery, so she might add more. The one thing I bought myself that really worked out well was one of the Cool Nights Sleeveless Sleepshirts from Soma. They give a bit more coverage than many nightgowns and it was just above the knee on me. I could wear it with or without a bra and could throw a little jacket over it if I was cold. More often, I was too hot (side effect of the pain meds) so it was great to have something cooler. They’re on sale 2 for $60 right now. The short sleeved ones didn’t fit me as well. It’s hard to put on pants when you can’t bend your knee.

    2. Oh goodness – a double?! My mom had one knee replaced a few years ago, and while my dad was her primary caregiver, he faints at the sight of blood so I did all the home dressing changes and such, plus spent a ton of time with her when he was working. Unfortunately the experience is nothing like having other types of knee surgery like being scoped. While I will say it was unequivocally worth it for her to have the surgery, it was one of the worst experiences of both our lives. The pain is SO intense, and they made you do rehab at home in addition to with a therapist from like day two at home (a machine a bit like one of those under-desk stationary bike device) that moves your knee for you), and it hurt so bad she cried every time. She’s flat out not going to car about clothes – too many painkillers to be aware of whats going on, and she’s not getting up to be able to ut on a nightgown. My mom ended up in my dad’s tshirts – so oversized and cotton, and many of them so they could be changed and washed multiple times a day. Biggest thing was having a comfy recliner chair available – my mom basically lived in it (including sleeping) for nearly three weeks post surgery since it was the only way to get comfortable.

    3. I had a right knee replacement last year. I was only down and out of commission for a week and a half, but I was home alone and these are life savers.
       -basket, with cupholder, that hooks on the front of a walker. And a lidded insulated cup, such as Tervis or Yeti. It takes two hands to steer a walker, making it otherwise impossible to get hot tea or ice water from he kitchen to the sofa. Amazon for both.
       -if she will do needlework or the like, supplies for something a little different. I do needlepoint, but really enjoyed crocheting a winter scarf with a particularly nice wool.
       -home cooked meals for the freezer that can be heated in the microwave
       -drop off some fresh groceries weekly

18. I would love to find a printed skirt like that Milly one in plus size. It seems all the plus skirts that come in print are a-line or full skirts but I prefer pencil skirts for work, and they are best for my shape.

19. Fiction book recommendations? Traveling this summer and love a good novel. I’ve been in to mystery-thrillers (Gillian Flynn, etc) lately but open to whatever, honestly, as long as it’s somewhat compelling.

    1. From my Goodreads list for this year: The Summer before the War (WW1, heartbreaking), The improbability of love (art heist, romance, All the Light We Cannot See (WW2, gripping), The Rosie Effect (aspergers, marriage, family), Marriage Material (2nd generation immigrant / millennial coming to terms with identity)

       Also, have you read the Elena Ferrante Naples series?

    2. All of Tana French’s books.

       Also The Outliers- new mystery I’m partway through.

    3. On the recommendation from people here, I’ve started reading Kathy Reichs. She’s the writer the show Bones is based on. Her books are really easy to get into. I’ve already read 4 of them.

    4. Devil in the White City or really anything by Erik Larson

       1. I just realized his books aren’t fiction, but they *read* like fiction if that makes sense.

       2. Gah, I hated this book. It came very highly recommended by many people whose taste I usually trust, but I just found it incredibly overwritten.

    5. I love Liane Moriarity’s books. They have romance and mystery but they’re better than typical “chick lit” and still mindless enough for vacation reading.

       1. Yes! They are the best beach reads – just a step above true chick lit.

    6. I also like mystery/thrillers best…

       Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll
       Wilde Lake by Laura Lippman (very good, as are all her books. Just finished reading it yesterday)
       Under the Influence by Joyce Maynard
       Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm
       The Last September by Nina Gramont
       Descent by Tim Johnston
       Alys, Always by Harriet Lane
       The Half Brother by Holly LeCraw

       and I’ve just started reading Twisted River by Siobhan Macdonald

    7. I just read The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters and loved it

    8. I am reading Station Eleven by Emily St.John Mandel, recommended on this site previously. It is a dystopian novel, not a mystery/thriller, and is not exactly fast-paced, but is written so well, and combines situational intensity with reflexion. I love it, and have already ordered another book of hers from the library.
       Thanks to the poster who recommended it!

       1. That was Senior Attorney I think and I just finished it too and have also ordered more from that author.

          1. I’ve been recommending it like crazy but it was somebody else who first mentioned it here. Wish I could remember who it was — but whoever you are, thank you! :)

       2. I have recommended it here before and will again to the OP… I loved Station Eleven!

    9. If you like Gillian Flynn, I recommend A Pleasure and a Calling by Phil Hogan and Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter. Warning that Pretty Girls is pretty graphic, but I enjoyed it.

       1. +1 Pretty Girls

       2. I read pretty girls while traveling later this year, so, right in the same vein! (my coworker recommended it to me)

    10. Tana French!

    11. I’ve really enjoyed the Cormoran Strike series by J.K. Rowlings writing as Robert Galbraith.

    12. +1 on Tana French and All the Light We Cannot See.

        Also enjoyed recently:
        Americanah
        H is for Hawk (not fiction–memoirish–but deeply engrossing)
        A Little Life
        Three Weeks in December
        and my latest go-to recommendation: the Oxford time travel books, which I think were recommended here–The Doomsday Book, To Say Nothing of the Dog, Blackout and All Clear

    13. Question to everyone who has recommended All the Light We Cannot See – I’ve read the first 20 pages maybe and am having a hard time getting into it. Is it worth it? Should I stick with it?

        1. Yes – I think it is the best book I have ready in the past couple years (and I read a lot). It definitely does start a little slow but give it a longer chance.

20. Anyone have advice for getting over a bad public speaking experience? I typically really enjoy speaking, but last week had a presentation and almost fainted. Luckily I handed it over to a colleague before actually passing out in front of everyone. I’ve never had that experience before, and of course it was in front of an audience I really wanted to impress and it must have looked like I’m just a terrible speaker – several people asked if I was ok afterwards, others just were gracious and pretended nothing happened. But I cannot stop replaying it! Any advice/commiseration/similar stories would be greatly appreciated. I’m also afraid that next time I need to speak, I’ll be stuck on this experience and then somehow transform myself into a bad speaker.

    1. How do you know that it was from the speech, rather than not feeling well/skipping breakfast/blood sugar/blood pressure fluctuation?

       1. Very true – it may have been! Although I keep focusing on how it must have appeared to the audience…

    2. I’ve had this happen- i always hate public speaking. It got much better with practice so for someone who’s usually fine, I’d say jump back in as soon as you get a chance. Factors that make it harder for me are: not feeling sure of the subject, doubting the audience’s interest, and really silent audiences, so for these talks I prep more than usual. Looking out into the audience and focusing on them helps. Just do some more speaking as soon as you can – you’ll be fine.

    3. I have a friend who fainted in the middle of an argument before our state supreme court. She skipped breakfast and was dehydrated. Twenty years later, it’s one of her best war stories. She still won the case.

21. I will be going to grad school in NYC (Columbia) this fall and Im super excited. I left undergrad 3 years ago and have been living by myself right outside DC since and its the best thing ever. I dont have an amazing salary but really lucked out on getting my apartment/was working two jobs and could afford it.

    I realllllly dont want a roommate ever again but I dont know if thats possible in New York as a student without making bank or living in a horrible neighborhood. Then again, I’ve never lived there so perhaps its doable?Also, i hear student housing is hard to get unless you want couples housing or something.

    Any advice, neighborhood recommendations, etc??I’m hoping not to pay more than 1300 a month (thats what im paying now).

    1. Is it a roommate or a flatmate you don’t want? Usually I can tell from the context but not here

    2. I just want a studio apartment/one bedroom like I have now. Neither flatmate nor roommate

    3. Check out Str33t3asy dot com (replace 3 with e). August 1 will be THE MOST EXPENSIVE time to start a lease — if you can couch-surf or stay with friends til September 1 or October 1, you’ll get a much better deal. Or, start a lease June 1 or July 1. Take a weekend or two each month coming up to NYC to look at apartments. Book as many as you can in a weekend. I don’t think you’ll find anything under $1500/month (and, a shoebox at that) but you never know and good luck!

       1. This is extremely helpful, thank you!!

       2. Just be aware that not all places are “no fee.” In NYC if there is a broker involved at all, there’s usually a fee that the renter has to pay. It can be up to 15% of your annualized rent, but there may be room for negotiation.

          Also, if you’re concerned about neighborhoods, check on crime statistics by police bureau (http://www.nyc.gov/html/nypd/html/crime_prevention/crime_statistics.shtml).

          I’m really not sure that $1300 is doable in a relatively safe neighborhood that is also moderately convenient to campus. But you can easily find 2 bedrooms under $3,000 (and potentially under $2,600) in the areas surrounding Columbia, so you might be able to hit that rent target if you are willing to have a roommate.

    4. $1300 a month? You’re dreaming. No. At that budget you need roommates. You’re a student. It’s what you do.

       1. True in Manhattan. Not true in Queens (even including safe neighborhoods with decent subway access), and probably parts of Brooklyn. It’s a bit of a longer commute, depending on where your school is, but as with everything in life, you have to think about your priorities.

       2. I don’t think you can find your own place anywhere near the school for under $1300. But Columbia has nice grad school housing options, and the units with roommates were much larger than what you’d otherwise be able to find. I attended Columbia, and when I graduated in 2011, I was paying $1200/month for “family housing,” which was a 300-square-foot 1-bedroom.

          There are single options in the grad school housing, but from what I understand, they are not much better than closets. One friend (who was at Columbia before I was) told me there was not enough room on her floor for me to stay during a visit. Another friend of mine was in a single for her first year and then moved to an apartment with roommates her second year.

          If you choose to commute, I’d stay near the 1 line/ on the West side. But my husband waited tables while I was in grad school, and the 1 line doesn’t run very often late at night (he’d sometimes have to wait 20+ minutes after 1:00 am). So if you go out late, I’d think twice about a commute.

    5. You can swing close to that in Upper Manhattan – maybe more like $1400. Look for something near the 1 train for the easiest commute to Columbia. North of 145th street you should stay west of Broadway for the safest parts of the neighborhoods. Don’t expect luxury – think 5th floor walk-up, no dishwasher, no laundry in building – and you’ll be able to find something. Uptown is gentrifying rapidly, so if you move into a marginal neighborhood now, it will have $20 cocktails in another 2-5 years.

    6. Columbia housing is really good and below market if you can get it. Definitely reach out to the housing office. Especially consider the unfurnished options. There are single options, but the room shares are actually quite nice: shared bathroom/kitchen, single bedroom that locks.

       1. Yes, this. You can get really, really good deals on housing from Columbia. In my experience (law school), you will be automatically placed with people in your program, sharing a multi-bedroom apartment, unless you make a strong case for something else. It’s not a dorm situation at all, just apartments that the school owns and leases out to you at below-market rates. The housing office is a resource that will save you $100s each month — definitely look into it!

    7. Thanks everyone! I dont mind living in harlem or queens – im not delusional and think i could get something on the upper east side or anything – just wanted to know what other neighborhoods had some options. I’ll look into student housing as well!

       1. Inwood/Washington Heights should be good.

22. Tiny first world problem rant: I started a juice cleanse today and I want to punch everyone. That is all.

    1. I’m on day 5 of a no sugar, no bread, no pasta, no alcohol diet. I feel your pain. For me it’s going without my daily chocolate fix.

       1. Girrrrrl is it the Whole 30? Either way, you’ll feel awesome in a couple of weeks. Lately I’ve been on the “eat like you’re gonna die tomorrow” diet so this reset is much needed.

          1. agree! If you’re doing Whole30, in about 10-15 days, you are going to be so incredibly happy you did it. And on Day 30, you may decide to keep going (albeit perhaps a bit modified).

    2. I got through 16 hours of a three-day juice cleanse and I was like…NOPE. TIME FOR PRETZELS!

       1. I think we should be best friends cbackson. Sign me up for more pretzels

       2. I’ve done it successfully before, and unsuccessfully as well. I usually do them on the weekends and my poor husband has to suffer the brunt of my sadness/anger. This is the first time I’m trying it during the week.

23. Can any Canadian readers comment on Air Transat? My college kid wants to go to Europe and their fares are much cheaper than US airline’s airfares, even without the exchange rate benefit and even factoring in getting from Seattle to Vancouver. Safe? Low-hassle (seats, on-time) etc?

    1. It’s a vacation charter so it’s a cheap option. Think Spirit/Southwest. The one problem is that is a flight is cancelled due to weather etc you are really stuck with the next Air transat flights. The other thing is that they sometimes fly into the cheaper airports which may be a little out of the way (think Midway VS O’Hare).

       1. Thanks!

       2. Wait, is Southwest still considered a “budget” airline? I know it’s a bit no-frills, but I would argue that their prices keep them from being a true cheaper option anymore, save a couple of specific destinations.

24. I’ve flown Air Transat a bunch of times and never had a bad a experience. It’s a budget option like anon from 1:30 said. Expect a similar experience to Southwest. Should be just fine in my opinion.

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