Coffee Break: Nesting Desk Set

60 Comments

1. These are so cute, Kat! I think I will buy them for my new office! YAY! I have alot of extra time today to shop on line b/c I have a great home internet connection with my WIRELESS ROOTER, and I can look at TV and excercise all without leaveing my Apartement! I wish I could work from HOME every day!

   Dad is still mad that I can NOT get into a size 2. He think’s I am eateing cookies and cupcakes EVERY day. I told him I walk with my fitbit and do NOT eat cupcakes every day (mabye 3x a week top’s), but he want’s better results. He is convinced that it is my tuchus that is holding me back from snagging a guy to MARRY, but I told him about Gonzalo and the women he was dateing (or at least sleepeing with) who all had tuchuses MUCH bigger then mine. Rosa had to intervene and tell him that lawyer’s sit on their tuchuses all day so it is very dificult to have a flat tuchus. But Myrna did NOT help by being there. She works at a trading desk, but still has a very svelte and lean tuchus. Dad said why couldnt I have a tuchus like her? Even Grandma Leyeh chimed in with a religus refernce to the Passover Seder, by pointing to Myrna’s tuchus and saying: “Why is this tuchus different from any other tuchus?” And Grandma Trudy said “because it runs marathon’s”. She was right! YAY!!!!

2. Hi ladies. I’m wondering if any of you have advice on dating someone who is ex-military. I’ve met someone who seems pretty incredible in many ways…services academy grad, 8 years in the armed forces including multiple tours in Iraq, the works.

   I’ve never met someone like this before. I have historically dated corporate guys. Frankly I might not have met this guy if I’d known about his military background in advance because I have a prior abusive relationship so I’ disinclined to date someone with aggression-oriented skills. However. He clearly has a huge heart (to match his enormous physique, lol) and when I listened to him tell about being the appointed “mayor” of an Iraqi slum with over 1M people at the age of 22, EVERY other guy I’d ever dated with their sterling resumes just seemed so, so small by comparison. It is also great fun to walk down the street with this man and see how quickly everybody gets out of the way;)

   I don’t want to ask him potentially upsetting questions at this stage but I’m also (a) concerned about diligencing potential anger and related issues before I fall for him, and (b) interested in any general tips on how to do well by him given his background.

   1. I understand that this is not exactly the response you might be looking for, but I would not assume that just because he is/was in the armed forces that he has anger issues. Frankly, I have known many current and former soldiers as friends and colleagues, and in my experience, they actually are very good at being able to make sure that their reaction matches the tenor of the situation.

      These are people who are trained to use deadly force, but also trained when NOT to.

      In terms of his military experiences, I would not ask too many pointed questions about his in theater experiences at this early stage… I would let it happen organically and if he brings the subject up, listen and ask open ended questions.

      1. +1

         I have siblings and other family members who are current or former military, and many friends as well. People who are violent and/or who have anger management issues are *ssholes, and you’ll find them in all walks of life (including the military), but I don’t notice a larger percentage of them in uniform than civilian clothes.

         I will say that, if he’s deployed in combat (which it sounds like he has), he will have baggage, there will be things he’ll never want to talk about, and there will be things you’ll never be able to understand. This isn’t a bad thing or a good thing – it’s just reality.

   2. I don’t think the “rules” are really that different. He’s still a person, so get to know him as a person. Don’t make assumptions one way or another (like he’s going to have anger/PTSD just because he was in the military, or that he was utterly selfless for choosing that path) and just listen.

      If you want to know about his time in the military, tell him that you don’t know anyone else in military service, so what does his service mean to him? I’m pretty sure it’s different for everyone. How does he like to talk about it? What are the things he wished more people asked about/didn’t assume about him? Ask him why he stayed the 8 years and why he eventually got out.

      Ask about the other things he’s involved with – hobbies, family, new job, etc. Like you do when getting to know anyone.

      1. I agree with this.

   3. One of my marine friends recommends this book for better understanding: Rule Number Two: Lessons I Learned in a Combat Hospital

   4. Just chiming in to say that not making assumptions is the best way to go here. There are people who can be short tempered or aggressive and yet they haven’t been in the military. Take things slowly if you feel unsure and just get to know him.

   5. Congratulation’s on finding a guy like this. If he is an **ss, you will find out about it soon enough. But being in the military is a good thing. Look at my dad! Also, I am assumeing that this guy is bulky both above and below the belt, and believe me, that is a good thing (as you probabley already know). My Alan was very skinny and un-endowed below the belt, so I often was NOT sure what he was up to. You should NOT have this problem with this guy. My mom says to just make sure he is NOT a control freak, b/c she think’s Dad got his extra dosage of control being the ONLEY man in the family with a wife and 2 daughter’s that depended on him. If you have a brain, like me, make sure he knows it b/c you do NOT just want to be arm candy for him. Good luck with him, and enjoy the ride! YAY!!!

   6. I agree with all the great advice above.

      And from my son, who was a Marine until two weeks ago: Do not, under any circumstances, ask him if he’s ever killed anybody. That is not a topic for casual conversation and if the relationship gets serious he will raise the issue when and if the time is right.

      1. Lol – that “I agree with all the great advice above” now comes right below Ellen.

         Well played, Ms. Barshevsky.

   7. I strongly agree with the advice about not making assumptions, especially about aggression and anger. I am not in the military but have probably worked with more active duty military than civilians in my career. Get to know him, the human being, and go from there. His military service is one part of him, and as mentioned above, this means very different things to different people. Many of my military colleagues are some of the most admirable people I’ve ever met, and some totally suck, like most people in most places. Just get to know the individual and set aside your preconceived notions. He’s a person first.

   8. I dated a guy for a while who was ex-military – went to a service academy and then spent just over 10 years in active duty including multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I never noticed ANY anger or aggression issues; he was actually one of the more laidback guys I ever dated. He had a bit of “baggage” but nothing that EVER made me feel unsafe or like he was going to be unpredictable or anything. The only time I can remember being a bit nervous was that once we were at a BBQ for the 4th of July, lots of fireworks etc, and he suddenly came up to me, grabbed my hand HARD and said that we needed to leave. (Side note: it wasn’t until I got involved with him that I learned how many veterans loath the 4th of July because of the fireworks – so sad.)

      How long has this guy been out of the military? I met my ex while he was still an officer and we stayed together for a while after he transitioned out, and one thing I noticed was how he was somewhat ill-prepared for various aspects of civilian life, especially around getting a job and navigating a non-military workplace. (For example, he was very well qualified for a specific sector but the first draft of a resume that he asked me to look at was an indecipherable list of military postings and awards.) He also was very bad at having any sort of emotional conversation – he would basically just shut down. I chalked a lot of this up, not exactly to the military, but to the fact that he enrolled at a service academy at 17 and sort of got stunted in some of these areas.

      Anyway, that’s just my experience and certainly everyone is different. I agree with all the other posters that you shouldn’t generalize re:aggression / anger; he may surprise you in other ways with how his military background influences him… but that’s just the beginning of any relationship, right?

3. Hi ladies. I’m wondering if any of you have advice on dating someone who is ex-military. I’ve met someone who seems pretty incredible in many ways…services academy grad, 8 years in the armed forces including multiple tours in Iraq, the works.

   I’ve never met someone like this before. I have historically dated corporate guys. Frankly I might not have met this guy if I’d known about his military background in advance because I have a prior abusive relationship so I don’t like the idea of dating someone who has aggression-oriented skills. However. He clearly has a huge heart (to match his enormous physique, lol), and when he told me about being the appointed “mayor” of an Iraqi slum with over 1M people at the age of 22, EVERY other guy I’d ever dated with their sterling resumes just seemed so, so small by comparison. It is also great fun to walk down the street with this man and see how quickly everybody gets out of the way;)

   I don’t want to ask him potentially upsetting questions at this stage but I’m also (a) concerned about diligencing potential anger and related issues before I fall for him, and (b) interested in any general tips on how to do well by him given his background.

   1. This guy is a liar if he told you this story. A 22 year old O1 fresh out of an Academy would not have been appointed mayor and put in charge of a million people. Straight bull.

      Dont’ trust me — ask someone you know who has been in the service and they will tell you. This story is crap.

      I’m an Academy grad myself and I hate it when people exaggerate to this extreme. Do you really think that we are putting 22 year olds in charge of this much in a war torn country? What kind of system would that be? How irresponsible.

      1. Yes, while I agree with the comments further up to get to know him as a person, this part of his story sent up huge red flags for me. In fact, your description basically sounds identical to a colonel that I dated — absolutely amazing history, resume, etc. You name it, he had it, including being knighted for his international work (I’m not in the U.S.). He ended up having fully blown narcissistic personality disorder. Just be careful, and really watch out if there are ever any over-blown reactions to small triggers. The quiet confidence they project is a huge attraction though, I agree!

4. This morning’s comments about the explosive husband really hit home for me. My husband is a mean and dirty fighter. He doesn’t remember anything he says in the heat of the moment, but the nasty criticisms stay with me forever. This weekend I was shocked to learn that he didn’t even remember a huge (and very destructive to me) fight we had last fall.

   I’ve talked to him about this at length. He says he wants to improve. Lately he’s been so quick to anger, over something as simple as a missed turn (when we were on vacation in paradise and had nowhere to be anyway.) I have been snapping back defensively but I’m disgusted with myself. This is never who I was!

   I know we need counseling. I’m writing, I guess, for advice from people who have gone through this. I would love some book suggestions. I have been reading Gottman but would love specific books about dealing with anger.

   1. So – that description is my mother. She is a very explosive and mean person in fights, but seems to forget about everything she says once it’s out of her system. To her credit, she never holds grudges. Growing up with this style has really impacted the way I deal with conflict and I’ve been to a lot of therapy to work on how I react to fighting.

      I love her dearly and we actually now have a pretty good relationship these days, but I had to really change the way I fought with her and be the first one to change a lot of things for us to get to the current point. A book that was helpful that my therapist recommended was “the Dance of Anger.” Basically, I had to change a lot of the ways I reacted to her fighting in order to get us out of a very predictable and destructive pattern of fights, and over time she has also changed some of her behaviors. I work very hard to set boundaries now and tell her what sort of fighting is and isn’t acceptable to me. It’s not something that’s perfect and I’ve accepted at this point there is only so much she can probably change, but it is definitely something that’s improved over time.

      1. I just looked at this book briefly on Amazon (table of contents, first chapter, reviews) and it seems to be addressed to the angry person, telling that person that it is OK to be angry but to use anger productively.

         So, can I ask: how did reading this book help you deal better with your mother and her explosive anger? How can it help if *she* did not read it?

         Thanks.

         1. I bought the book and will read it asap, though I was surprised when I realized it was about dealing with your own anger. I am open to anything, so thanks.

         2. Sorry – I should have noted that to begin with! I’m actually a very placid person in general but would get into really angry exchanges with only my mother (not siblings, or dad, or friends, or SO – just mom!) and had a really hard time understanding how everything happened. I found this book to be incredibly insightful for understanding some ways that the anger could be evolving in her head while we were having these fights, and I found that the explanations for a lot of the behavior was remarkably on point. And perhaps this won’t be true for you, but the book helped me understand the roles that I played in being part of these angry exchanges (not that it was my fault, but I understood more how things that I did or ways that I reacted contributed to a really volatile exchange). So I knew it wasn’t necessarily my fault but I wasn’t going to give up on a relationship with my mom, so I ended up figuring out some ways that I could change my behavior so that it would prevent the escalation in the first place. It’s a balancing act because I would also set hard boundaries for her to not cross, but I could be responsible for voluntarily changing some of my actions that would result in different (less angry, less escalated) reactions from her.

            and I should have probably said this, but sometimes the tone of the book is a bit eyeroll-inducing as self-help books often are. I found it to be helpful overall though. In practice a lot of what I took from it was that I needed to take some responsibility for escalating fights and holding onto grudges in these super toxic interactions I had – I’m not suggesting that this is necessarily the case for your fights with your husband at all, but if there’s some back and forth that results in really destructive fights then this might be helpful.

            1. I appreciate your response. I can see how understanding the mindset could help so I’m happy to check it out.

   2. My sister is like this. She says the meanest things in the heat of the moment and lashes out at loved ones when she feels insecure, and then she swears she never meant them (and in fact doesn’t always remember exactly what she said), but the words stay with me. She says she wants to work on it, but I haven’t seen any change. I have told her this behavior is not acceptable and encouraged her to seek therapy, but I don’t know what else I can do. It’s not an easy thing to be around.

   3. Your DH wants to improve and is willing to go to therapy! You should go! Sometimes coaching from a third party is easier to hear than from your partner.

   4. I’ll go ahead and say that I used to be like this. I learned it from my parents (especially my father). It came from a combination of my own deep insecurities and having little to no model of appropriate conflict resolution. I had to unlearn the behavior, and that occurred by realizing how much I was hurting people, and how truly unacceptable the behavior was, and how it was hurting me and my relationships in the long run.

      I think therapy will help that identify the source of the problem and help him learn new behaviors.

   5. I was married to this guy so I really feel your pain. I can really relate to how living with that kind of treatment can turn you into somebody you hardly recognize.

      My advice may not be what you want to hear, but my view is that life is way too short to put up with this kind of junk. He says he wants to improve but his actions say otherwise. If I were in your shoes (and I was), I would tell him he is required to go to therapy beginning immediately, and if this behavior does not stop in X amount of time you are leaving. And then I would do it. (Only I would do it a lot sooner than I actually did.)

      Also, don’t stay in the room when he starts that kind of crap. Leave the room, leave the house, just do. not. put. up. with. it. for one more single second.

      You deserve better than this. This is not normal or acceptable and you don’t have to put up with it.

      1. Oh yeah – if he’s just saying he wants to improve but not actually willing to go to counseling (and do work so that you can see results) then RUN.

      2. Thank you, Senior Attorney. I have actually been considering your advice, that life is too short to live like this. We have no kids and no major entanglements as of now. Sadly, I am not young, so this may have been my shot for bio kids. But I don’t want to bring a child into this instability anyway.

         1. Not to pile on, but you really don’t want to bring a child into that kind of situation. And I guarantee a child would only make it worse.

            I am two years out from leaving my angry/mean/nasty former husband, and honestly I am just flabbergasted, on a daily basis, at how much better my life is now. I do recommend getting some individual therapy, whether you stay or go. I definitely wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for good ol’ Dr. Shrink.

   6. So here’s the thing – I know a lot of folks are basically telling you to DTMFA right now, and I don’t necessarily disagree that life’s too short for other people’s bad temper, BUT if he acknowledges the problem (and it sounds like he does), and is willing to seek counseling, this may be salvageable. He should get counseling on his own, because he has a personal responsibility to address his anger issues separate and apart from whatever communication issues the two of you have. Right now, he’s taking his inability to manage his anger and turning it into a you-problem. The goal should be for it to go back to being a him-problem, which is what it is.

      My H is not generally explosive, but he’s been known to wreck an afternoon or a weekend for both of us with a bad mood, and the most important thing I have realized in dealing with it is that I don’t have to participate in his moods. He’s angry? Okay, that’s fine, it doesn’t mean I have to be angry back at him. He’s sad? I can certainly offer comfort, but I don’t have to be sad too. He’s frustrated/cranky/tired? Those are his problems to manage, not mine. I’m not saying have no empathy, but I am saying that empathy doesn’t necessarily have to mean responding in kind. It takes two to argue, so own your part in creating the pattern you two keep re-treading and try making changes on your own end while he gets the counseling it sounds like he very much needs to make changes on his end. (Also, counseling for yourself would likely help as well.)

      For me, I’m lucky in that H and I caught our pattern pretty early in our marriage, so our relationship hasn’t been poisoned by years and years of tension/nastiness. You may be at the point where you husband has poisoned the well so thoroughly that you don’t want to continue the relationship, and if that’s the case, please disregard my advice here, but if the two of you still love each other and want to work this out, this can be a solvable issue.

      1. I don’t disagree with any of this. Just make sure he’s got at least as much skin in the game as you have, and don’t wait forever hoping for change when it isn’t forthcoming.

      2. Thanks so much for your perspective, KKH! We are in fact, barely two years into our marriage. His outbursts have already caused me so much unhappiness that I want to nip this in the bud. We do very much still love each other and he supports me emotionally through some very difficult times- sick parents and long term unemployment- for example. From what I can tell, no one has ever called him on his anger before. We found each other later in life and were both used to living alone and very set in our ways. I’m hoping that if I find a way to change our patterns, as you described, and get counseling, that we might have a shot.

         Edited to add: Senior Attorney, I like your idea of having a firm deadline.

         1. I also like the idea of a firm deadline.

5. DH and I just booked a 10-day trip at the end of August to Berlin and Dresden. I’m looking for suggestions of things to do/eat/see. We love historic things (high on the priority list), great food, and outdoor activities. We’re early in the planning stages, so I’m open to anything. We do plan on renting a car to do some Autobahn driving, as well (between Berlin/Dresden). Any great gems I should make sure to check out? TIA!

   1. Fassbender & Rausch Chocolate Shop in Berlin is my off-the-wall suggestion. They have a chocolate model of the Brandenburg Gate. My kids still talk about it 8 years later. Lunch in a café next to the river Spree was another memory. We did a self-guided walking tour.

   2. Oh, I loved Dresden last fall! We enjoyed the jewels and the palace and wandering along the river to a beer garden, and eating currywurst and fries late at night. The Hygeine Museum was also pretty fun. We got the 3-day city pass thing, which worked out well.

6. So this amused me:

   I got my hair cut on Friday. Sunday I was at a small party and one of my casual pals said “Oh I love your haircut! And the highlights look great, too!” It took me a minute to realize she meant my streaks of grey hair. I just had to laugh.

   1. My mom’s highlights are mostly her greys dyed a lighter shade than her regular hair color. It works for her!

   2. That is awesome! And so much better than people staring at my head and saying oh I didn’t realize you had so many grey hairs.

      *headdesk*

   3. I refer to my greys as my “natural highlights.”

7. I posted this on the weekend but too late and it got pushed to the second page. There’s a chance that I’ll get an offer for a job at a university. I’m currently an academic but this is a big step up in administrative level. It’s a great career move for me. It’s also in a high COL area and where I am is fairly low and it would require a long distance move. The position looks interesting and challenging in good ways and the upper level administration is fairly new and already really well respected. I know what the minimum salary should be for this position, adjusted for COL, but I don’t know if that’s enough to convince me to uproot my whole life. I’m wondering how to approach salary negotiation and negotiating relocation expenses. I wouldn’t want to go broke moving either! Are there any other things that should be negotiable? Generally, benefits at universities are not negotiable so asking for more leave isn’t possible (even if it were possible to take it).

   1. What about a small housing allowance for a few months while you look for something permanent? Maybe they would fund one or two house/apartment hunting trips ?
      Also, have you looked at cnn.com’s page where you can compare what you would need in City X to have the same standard of living as you do in City Y ? That might help you see that even a larger salary might not be what it seems. However, if you have much more upward mobility at the new place, it might be worth it.
      Good luck !

      1. Yeah I’ve looked at COL calculators, so I know what the minimum salary in current salary equals in minimum salary there. I’ve been really careful about that. There’s not much available in upward mobility so that’s not an issue. I like the idea of a housing allowance in the short term. And yes, I had been thinking about funding a trip to find a place to live as well, but I’m glad you mentioned it because it had gone off my radar. A friend emailed me that she has a house for rent in that area so it could be a possibility.

8. 30th birthday gift ideas for a very good friend who seems to have pretty much everything she wants? She’s super into designer goods and likes beautiful things, which makes shopping for her a little intimidating. She lives in another state (so the gift has to be shipped), and if not for my upcoming wedding/honeymoon that’s stealing all of my vacation days, I’d be going to see her in person to celebrate. I’d like to get her something nice to make up for the fact that I won’t be celebrating with her in person, so my budget is approximately $150 or less.

   The best I’ve come up with a diptyque candle, since she’s into home decor & they’re so pretty and smell so delicious, but that feels a little impersonal. Any other good ideas?

   1. yummy food of some kind, from your local area? I always love food, and it is special because it is something she can’t get in her area. An experience gift: gift certificate to a restaurant or other special activity? Do you and her have special stories or jokes that you share from back in the day? I always like to think of a gift that has a special meaning to them that is more than the cost. Even find a really great old photo of the two of you together and have it nicely framed?

   2. Send her a bottle of bubbly!

   3. Mouth is my new go-to source for consumable gifts.

   4. What about throwing in some nostalgic gifts, along with the diptyque candle? A certain type of cookie or candy that you used to always eat. Or, a cute picture of you two in a nice frame.

   5. gift certificate to local spa?

      1. I second this! I have gotten gift certificates to local spas and it’s always appreciated because: (a) they took the time to investigate what’s nearby; and (b) it’s the sort of thing where I love spas but always feel guilty splurging on myself!

   6. I’ve found some really cool things on here:

      http://www.ahalife.com

   7. As I was reading this I was going to suggest a diptique candle. I sound like your friend & I love those. I think that’s a perfect gift.

9. Hive – can anyone help me find an article that was mentioned here (in the comments, I think?) recently about great teachers? It was a long-form piece about teaching methods. Specifically I remember a passage about a teacher who taught his kids to hand back papers quickly, saving up to 20 minutes a day. I meant to bookmark and forgot, and my google-fu is failing me.

10. I applied for a position about 2 months ago and had forgotten about it until I got an email asking me if I would be willing to discuss my skills further. This is an academic research position (temporary i.e. postdoctoral) and I think the work is really interesting. I take this as a positive sign and I hope that this impending conversation means that they think I could do the job and maybe they could even make an offer. However, I am also waiting on a response from another position of the same nature that I applied for which should be coming pretty soon, maybe this week or the next. My question is if this person were to make an offer on the spot, how does one handle something like that if you are still waiting for a response from another job? I know this may seem premature to think this far ahead but I just want to be prepared. If you don’t have another offer, would it seem odd to ask someone to give you time to evaluate their offer?Also how does one handle the issue of relocation expenses etc? Both positions are in locations in Canada and would be quite a long distance move for me.

    1. It seems unlikely that an offer would be presented on the spot in academia. There’s always one dean or another that has to sign off on these things. If it should happen, absolutely it’s normal to ask for a few days to think about it, especially when a long-distance move is involved. Of course you need to talk it over with your family or whoever!

11. It’s perfectly normal to say you need some time to think about it, least for a day or two. Then you call the first place and tell them you need them to expedite the offer.

12. My grandmother is elderly, deaf, and generally in decline. I was tasked with making local arrangements to update her will. In very general terms, there was one slightly messy point (though not contentious among grandmother and her offspring) having to do with the treatment of one specific piece of property. The basic tension is that if it is valuable, we want X treatment, but if it is not valuable, we want Y treatment, but we most likely won’t be able to determine its value for at least a few years for reasons not worth getting into.

    The lawyer I found proposed a solution that I didn’t think was quite perfect, but then there wasn’t really a way of setting this up perfectly. In any case, the language that was agreed upon did the job, at least so long as the children don’t have a huge falling out (which, I concede, is not something you should rely on in drafting a will).

    I ran the language by the siblings (and my grandmother said she was okay with whatever the siblings were okay with), and I thought everyone was in agreement. Today, my grandmother and I met with the attorney to sign, and suddenly, my grandmother brought up a bunch of new concerns, and also seemed to have questions about things we had talked through multiple times previously. Then I called my mom to update her, and she also seemed to have questions and to think that the language everyone had approved was not ideal. In the end, my grandmother signed (the attorney is going on maternity leave soon, and we needed something in place), but we are to revisit in a few months. Which means we will have all the same conversations all over again, we will have to pay another attorney’s bill, and we will still probably end up with imperfect language. And the property at issue is probably worthless anyway.

    I feel like I could have handled this better, but then, so could all the siblings, and my grandmother, and the attorney. What a mess. And what an annoyance. And what a waste of time and money.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    1. That sounds awful. On the bright side, when the time comes to revisit the issue, everybody may be out of the mood to do so.

    2. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Working out wills and property arrangements with family is extremely difficult – like you said, there’s almost never a “right” way to do it. Kudos for you stepping up and taking care of it, and I hope it’s easier when you re-visit.

    3. For the next version, I would suggest having the grandma meet and work through the issues with the attorney ALONE. That way, no one will be able to claim undue influence. More to protect you than anyone else!

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