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Thursday’s TPS Report: 7th Avenue Design Studio Jacket

New York & Company 7th Avenue Design Studio JacketOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love a good knit jacket, and this one from NY & Company looks like that great blend of structure and comfort. It's $74.95, but if you buy one you get a second 50% off. New York & Company 7th Avenue Design Studio Jacket Here's a plus-sized option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Psst: looks like the Nordstrom Fall Clearance Sale has started! I'll try to do a roundup later today. 

(L-4)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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244 Comments

  1. Back in June, I interviewed for a position at a boutique firm (5 attorneys, niche practice area). Despite (one) follow up, I never heard back, so I assumed that I wasn’t selected for the position. Yesterday, the managing partner reached out to me again and invited me to a second interview.

    Given the timing (a little more than 90 days), I suspect that the firm hired someone, it didn’t work out, and they were let go during/at the end of the probation period (which is 90 days, as indicated by the interviewer during my interview)

    If I accept the opportunity to 2nd interview, what sorts of questions should I be asking? I’m mainly concerned that they’re hiring people and firing them after 90 days so they don’t have to pay benefits etc.

    1. I wouldn’t assume they hired someone–sometimes the hiring process gets interrupted. Budgets change, perhaps the hiring manager/decision maker was ill/resigned, maybe they just went through a reorganization, etc.

      Is there anyone in your network familiar with the firm? How about GlassDoor?

    2. I always ask 1) if the role is currently vacant, and 2, if the conversation warrants) why hire this role, right now?

      I’ve interviewed for a couple positions that were new additions to the team, and the questions always gets a good response and reveals a lot about team dynamic.

    3. That’s not necessarily a good assumption. The hiring process at my firm (not law) is slow – it took them 6 months start to finish to hire me, for example. And now that I see the process from the inside, that’s just the way a typical search works here, for better or worse. We do stay in better touch with our candidates, but we also are much bigger than the firm you describe, and have a dedicated department to do so. I’d recommend approaching the interview like it’s any normal interview, and have the normal healthy awareness for red flags.

    4. Yeah, this is totally not unusual (unfortunately) for many law firms with lateral hires – esp those that do not have formal recruiting people. Honestly, at most law firms too, it’ll take more than 90 days for someone to fail out (and that 90 days is basically assuming they were hired right after they had you’re interview). IMO, you’re welcome to think whatever you want about their hiring practices and attention to detail, but I would in no way think you’re necessarily second fiddle.

    5. 1. It’s not unheard of to take this long to interview someone. It also doesn’t necessarily mean someone started & got fired. They may have pursued second interviews with a different candidate, made them an offer, that person set a start date a month out and then backed out before starting. That could easily take 90 days or more.

      2. There are “churn and burn” firms that hire large volumes of people and quickly let them go. I worked at one. It took more than 90 days for most people to be let go, but not much. Having a “probationary period” is a tip-off to me that the firm might be doing that, especially if you’re paid significantly less during that period. Check GlassDoor to see what you can find out about the firm and you might think about asking in the interview about the previous person that held this position – how long were they at the firm? where did they go? etc.

  2. Because availability can change quickly, a PSA that quite a few AGL shoes are included in the Nordstrom fall clearance. Happy shopping!

  3. What do you all think of this situation:

    16 year old girl, 19 year old boy have a s*xual relationship. Boy has c*ndoms and uses them. C*ndom comes off. Plan B is acquired. Girl says she takes it but doesn’t show any signs of feeling bad/sick in the next few days. Memorial Day rolls around, s*xual encounter, c*ndom comes off again, boy does not ejac (notices c*ndom gone first), Plan B is sought but not bought due to closed pharmacies. Girl becomes pregnant, due date is Feb 7. Memorial day is May 25 and according to internet calculator, last date of possible pregnancy is May 21. Does this lead you to think the girl did not take the original Plan B and has “trapped” the boy?

    1. I don’t know, but it kind of makes me glad not to be a guy here. Before you jump all over me, I can’t imagine being a guy and never knowing if you have a kid out there somewhere, even with best efforts taken to prevent it.

    2. No. My complete thoughts on this fact pattern are that Plan B should be available for purchase even when the pharmacy is closed. The end. Next Question?

      1. Also, the one time I took Plan B I did not get sick. QED not everyone gets sick.

        3. I drove them to the pharmacies and we did not realize we could have bought it even if the pharmacies were closed. Good to know that it does not make some people sick.

          3. You can buy it in advance and keep it in your medicine cabinet just in case. That’s highly recommended.

          4. You drove your adult son and his minor girlfriend to the pharmacy…and you didn’t realize how stupid this was? Be a parent and realize your precious child f’d up–not the minor girl.

          6. Wait, is this your son? Yeah nope. Nope. Nope. You do not get to blame a child for this.

        5. Same here. Taken it several times over the last few years, never gotten queasy or anything.

      2. I took Plan B brand name once and was fine.

        One time I did the “at home Plan B” where you take like 5 of your pills, then 5 again later. I was sick as a dog.

        1. I took it twice and was fine both times. I was in college both times.

          W/r/t availability, in situations like this, it is available. Walk-in clinics, OBs offices, etc. Also, my understanding with Plan B is that there is a window– just because you couldn’t get it 1st thing Monday morning, it can be effective after that. I think the longer you wait the less effective. My OB has a “if this is an emergency, press X to be connected to the on call doc”–i’d have done that.

          If I were in this situation, I’d have gone to a walk in clinic. IF they couldn’t help, find a PP. If there wasn’t one, I’d probably have gone to a hospital and see if there was anythign they could do (I recognize this is dramatic, but if i were a possibly-pregnant teen that didn’t want to be, that’s what i’d be thinking about).

          1. And if I were a teenage boys mom, I’d make the minimal effort to learn this info if I were so incensed about it.

    3. I don’t know, people talk about girls “trapping” guys with pregnancies, but is that really a thing? It’s hard for me to imagine that given how it’s likely to drastically change a 16 year old’s life and not for the better. Wouldn’t she be scared of pregnancy and everything it entails at that age? Aren’t there a thousand more reasonable and likely courses of action for a girl that age?

      1. She comes from an abusive unstable home and my feeling is she is looking for a family and saw my son as a good route to it.

        1. Dear God woman. Your son is screwing a child here. Let’s not pretend your home life is sunshine and roses.

        2. It doesn’t matter at all why it happened now. All that matters is that there is going to be a baby. And a very young mother. And a very young father. I hope the families can be supportive of all involved for the sake of the baby.

        3. You have to be kidding about this, right? If your son didn’t want to get someone pregnant there are lots of options including not having sex at all. There is no way this is the girls fault, period. In fact it’s probably more your fault for raising someone who has sex with troubled MINORS. How on earth can you see this as anyone but his fault?

      2. I think there are some girls who don’t have the emotional maturity to understand the reality of what having a baby is really like, and they do see it as having someone to love them or creating a family. However, I don’t think girls trap boys with pregnancies. Do they sometimes take advantage of the fact that they got pregnant? Sure. And I think that there are boys/men out there that do the same.

        However, there is an easy way for any boy or man to not become a father before he is ready, and that is to abstain from sex. It’s 100% effective and it’s free.

        1. True, true. I don’t think she’s evil. I think she wants love like we all do. And having the baby is a way for her to get some love. I can’t hate her for wanting love.

    4. How does a girl “trap” an adult man? He didn’t use a condom–what did he think was going to happen? Ejac or not, pregnancy is possible. 19 is a man, not a boy.

      Moreover, there’s no evidence she didn’t take it–most people who take Plan B feel fine afterwards–I think you may be thinking of the abortion pill (COMPLETELY different) which can make you feel pretty crummy.

      1. He did use a condom. No problems with other girlfriends with condom coming off, but 2 times with this girl.

        1. really? You’re going to blame the girl for the condom coming off? Does she have magic condom-removing muscles?

          2. This makes me so sad. This is the time to support the girl. Whatever happened, has happened and it takes two to make a baby.

          4. Wow, so I get that you’re in a really tough position here, but the idea that she reached down with her hands to remove a c*nd*m from your son’s p*nis and he didn’t realize it is ludicrous. This is just crazy. Sometimes the come off. Sometimes they don’t. C*nd*ms have the one of the highest failure rates of all contraceptives. This is common knowledge. Your son is an adult. This is clearly a difficult position and I’m sorry for both parties, but you need to tone down the witchhunt.

          5. “She could have reached down with her hands” I literally laughed out loud that you’re this crazy.

          6. How is that crazy? If she wanted the condom to slip off, she could have done that.

          7. I seriously never realized that “NOT MY BABY BOY” syndrome could extend to this level of insanity.

          8. What?! How about your son use condoms that are the correct size! I have never successfully willed a condom off. Holy crap.

          10. Then maybe he should stop having sex with children if he can’t do it safely. She is from an unstable home, wants love, and you don’t see that your kid clearly used her?

          11. HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS LEVEL OF DETAIL ABOUT YOUR SON’S SEX LIFE? THAT IS NOT NORMAL!

            Ew. Every new detail is creeping me out more and more.

        3. …or if we’re just playing the lifetime movie plot game here, your son did not use protection and lied about it knowing that his helicopter mom would blame the girl to get out of taking responsibility.

          1. …or if we’re just playing the lifetime movie plot game here, your son did not use protection and lied about it knowing that his helicopter mom would blame the girl to get out of taking responsibility.

          2. I think it’s great that you and your son have a relationship where he can talk to you about everything. I hope you can build similar trust with the baby’s mother.

          6. I mean, if you’re not a helicopter mom, you do know an unusual amount about how well c*nd*ms stay on your son’s p*n*s with his 16 year-old girlfriend versus other girlfriends, whether or not he ej*cul*tes, etc.

        4. I’m sure this will stir the pot, but Anonybaby, you realize that this is just the story that he/they are telling you, right? Unless you were in the room, you can’t say what happened then, or the time before, or the night before, etc.

      3. This. It takes two. And if both parties are old enough to have sex, they are old enough to deal with the consequences.

        1. In my state, she’s not “old enough.” And the young man committed misdemeanor sexual assault by having sex with her.

          1. In California, it’s only illegal if he’s over 21 and the other party is under 18. If one party is between 18 and 21 AND there’s a more than 3 year age difference, it’s statutory rape.

          2. Yep, and she’s even more vulnerable than teensagers from stable homes so not only is it criminal (where I live) it’s completely amoral

          3. In the state where I became pregnant 30 years ago, the most my 18 year old boyfriend could have been charged with was contributing to the unruliness of a minor, at least according to the lawyer through whom I arranged the adoption.

        2. I disagree. If two people are old enough to have sex, they should be old enough to deal with the consequences but we all know a 16 year old is not old enough to handle having a child. And in general, it takes two to tango. No one should be blamed in this scenario, but it sounds like the Anonybaby wants to believe her son is perfect and is trying to blame the girl.

    5. This hypo makes me sad for all involved, both for the guy (for the reasons 9:22 said) and for the girl (if she honestly thinks, at 16 (um or ever for that matter), that it is a good plan to “trap” a guy with a baby), and also for the OP, for trying to find a reason to distrust the girl (can you clarify your role as to this couple, OP?).

      In any event I wouldn’t use the due date formula as a “gotcha” given that dating a pregnancy is not exactly precise, although obviously doctors can get reasonably close. Also, you didn’t mention when the allegedly “trapping” s*x occurred.

      1. I’m the boy’s mother. There was s*x before Memorial Day and also on Memorial Day.

        1. I think you should worry more about loving this pregnant child than about judging this pregnant child.

          1. I agree but it’s not easy when I see my son’s future crumbling due to her actions.

          2. Her actions? Her actions. Person, your son chose to have s*x with this kid too. Your son could have chosen acts with zero chance of pregnancy and he didn’t. Your son could have been more careful with the cond*m

            in addition, you don’t seem to know how Plan B works. It prevents ovulation. If the girl had already ovulated and your son had an org*sm inside her, Plan B can’t do anything. It does not cause abortions.

          3. Her life is crumbling from statutory rape, think this through please. No wonder your son is a predator

          4. And I would love her all the way to Planned Parenthood to talk to a professional about her options. But I don’t think you can hate her un-pregnant. That ship has sailed.

          5. Seriously anonybaby? Your son’s future is also crumbling due to his actions! Let’s not default to blaming women for unplanned pregnancies. That’s a huge step back for all of us.

          6. Anonybaby at 9:34 — your son’s future is crumbling because of HIS actions. He opted to have sex. This is one of the consequences of having sex.

          7. As it was once famously said, “it takes two to tango.” Literally. Both parties bear responsibility here.

          10. His actions were to use a condom, though. I taught him about safe responsible sex and we did not have this issue with other girlfriends. I agree it is a consequence but he was trying to be careful.

            WildKitten, she went to a counselling appointment ready to give it up for adoption and walked out wanting to keep it. I was not happy.

          11. @Anonybaby I realize i don’t know this girl, but I think it’s ridiculous that you’re concerned that HER actions are what has caused your son’s future to crumble.

            He is an adult. She is not. Depending on your state, the situation you describe is statutory rape. He was a willing participant in all these activities.

          12. His actions were to use a condom while sleeping with a MINOR.

            Condoms aren’t full-safe. He decided to have sex. Sex can lead to pregnancy. Therefore, he is at fault.

            Why weren’t you a parent and tell him sleeping with minors tends to be frowned upon?

          13. Condoms are not 100% effective at preventing pregnancy (or transmitting STDs). The only 100% method for not getting pregnant is abstinence. So the fact that your son chose to have sex with the mother of his kid means he bares just as much responsibility as she does in the pregnancy.

            And to be honest, as he’s 19 (an adult) and she’s only 16 (a child) I think he may bare more responsibility.

          14. Anon 9:42, trust me I did tell him. When they got together he was 18. There was nothing I could think of to do to prevent their relationship.

          16. Anonybaby, your son’s future will crumble only if he lets it. This is an opportunity for him to step up, be a man and take responsibility for his actions. That doesn’t necessarily mean marriage, but he will need to support this girl’s decision regarding her pregnancy, and provide financial support if she keeps the baby. That’s not a tragedy, it’s life. You might want to encourage him not to see this as a disaster that happened TO him, but instead the natural result of his own decisions, and something he needs to handle with grace, strength and dignity.

          18. anon 10:07, I agree with you and actually that’s the position he’s taking, that he can be a good father and wants to be a good father and he’s working toward that goal. I just wish… I wish things were different but they’re just not.

          19. HER FUTURE IS CRUMBLING TOO! If the cond*m fell off, is she to blame? (Assuming she didn’t remove it with her hands without your son noticing as you suggested).

          20. BTW – at a quick count (no research – 5 minute google search):

            About 29 US States plus all Canadian provinces have 16 as the age of consent, including several southern states. (anonybaby says she’s in the south)

            Yes, 16 is still a child but the father is a teenager too. It’s not like he’s 39 or even 21.

        2. I’m sorry you’re in this situation; it seems like a pretty bad one all around. That said, I think you should resist the urge to assume the worst of this girl. It’s extremely likely that your son bears equal responsibility for this.

        3. And you aren’t upset that your son was sleeping with a minor…you’re upset that this girl “trapped” your man-child son with a baby?

          1. Oh no, I am very upset about that and very thankful that neither of her parents got the police involved. I pegged this girl for trouble from day one (based on things her mom told me, the only time I talked to her mom she told me all about how much of a liar her daughter is).

          3. At 19? They met when they were in high school together. It wasn’t like he was in NAMBLA or something.

          7. As the mother of three sons, I wish you would stop parroting that “16 is the age of consent”. She’s too young to have a baby and be a mother. She’s really too young to have sex. Your son should have known that. If they were really serious and committed (which I doubt), after first encounter they should have gone together to PP and gotten the pill or an implant or whatever. Not continued to have sex with (for them) unreliable condoms. Regardless, what’s done is done and I can’t see how using calculators or blaming her or calling her a liar or an acrobat helps anything.

        4. I think you are going to have to let go of the whole idea that your son was trapped into parenthood by this girl. He chose to have sex. A baby is one of the potential consequences of having sex, even when birth control is used (although the chances are very slim). It sucks that he’s going to become a father at 19, probably before he’s ready, but it’s going to suck more for the girl who is going to become a mother at 16 before she’s finished high school.

        5. I think we all figured out you’re the boys mother. Stop blaming the girl, and deal with the consequences of your sons participation.

          1. I think we all figured out you’re the boys mother …because I told you I was, Sherlock. But thanks.

          1. Parental consent or judge’s order is what was needed and she decided not to go that route. We had an adoptive couple lined up but she has decided to keep it.

          2. Because that’s not son’s mom’s choice to make. It’s the girls. And while I’m pro-choice, the girl may not want to get an abortion. Which is HER decision.

          3. totally agree, it’s her choice. I would never want to force someone to undergo an abortion or a pregnancy. Up to her.

    6. It’s hard to speculate on the behavior of hypothetical strangers, but I’m bored so a few points:

      – Plan B stops ovulation, but isn’t very effective if you have already ovulated. So she could take it and still have gotten pregnant from Encounter 1. See http://ec.princeton.edu/questions/ecwork.html

      – Due dates are also best guesses. She could have had a long cycle and be dating it back to “first day of last period,” which is a conventional but unreliable way to predict due dates.

      – The motive of “trapping” is impossible to know without truth serum. Is truth serum safe to take while pregnant?

      1. she could take it and still have gotten pregnant from Encounter 1

        That’s pretty much the answer I was looking for, thank you. And LOL @ truth serum, :)

        1. Nah you’re trolling. One of the first things you learn from googling plan b is that it is not 100% effective.

          2. Because it’s way easier to assume a 16 year old child that your adult son impregnated is a lying hussy than it is to Google the medication you’re claiming she lied about taking, amirite?

            Seriously, OP, you need to get your head on straight. I get that you are disappointed in this circumstance (I doubt this is how anyone wants to become a grandmother), but you’re clearly displacing all of your bad feelings onto a pregnant child from a tough home to avoid having to admit that maybe, just maybe, your precious baby boy (who is actually anadult, FYI) made some mistakes here.

            Stop being crazy, and for the love of G-d, stop slut-shaming the child that your adult son was having s#x with.

      2. I feel like the calculator is a guesstimate at best given how much people vary. 4 days in the grand scheme is not an amount of time that couldn’t be overcome.

    7. i feel like, as a community of women, we should err on the side of assuming that other women do not use their v@ginas/ut3ruses for malice

      4. I know, right? Especially minors with older boyfriends. The minor girl is in a worse situation than the adult man is.

    8. Is this not statutory rape in your state? It would be in mine. I would be more concerned about if your son raped a girl than whether she “trapped” him (which seems like a stretch).

      1. I have been very worried about this, yes. The age difference bothers me a lot.

        1. It is not just an age difference. Legally (emotionally, mentally, etc.), this girl could not give her consent to have s3x with your son. He decided to anyway. That is rape. And now you are blaming the girl for all of this?

          1. +1000. This girl is 16. She can’t consent. Your son committed rape, according to several states. And you’re mad at the girl?

        2. The “Romeo & Juliet” statute only applies to certain states–in many, it doesn’t matter if the adult is 18 and the minor 17.

          In my state, your son committed rape

          2. Gold star! Then your son must be an angel and his magical sperm must have impregnated the devil-girl.

      2. I don’t care if it isn’t legally rape in your particular state. Congrats to your son for avoiding jail and life on the sex offender list. The problem is that emotionally, mentally, physically, a 16-year-old child CANNOT consent to s3x. The reason statutory rape is a crime is because we have concluded as a society (and based on studies of developing brains of teenagers) that these children cannot understand their actions and therefore cannot consent to these acts. You and your son both need to understand that this girl, regardless of her intent, background, or behavior, could not make this choice and will now be living with the repercussions of it for the rest of her life. I suggest you support her in every way that you possibly can because this is an awful thing to have happen to a child.
        Do not forget that she is still very much a child, who now has to bear the burden of having a child. Do not fault her for not wanting to give it up for adoption or for not choosing to have an abortion. She is a child. She is scared and overwhelmed. She needs support and love, especially from you.

        1. Thank you, this is very true. I’m not sure she really needs me, she has a big family here. But I will try not to make things any more difficult on her than what they already are.

          I don’t fault her. I wouldn’t have been able to give up my son, who was born in less than ideal circumstances. I think I would make similar choices to what she is doing today. I totally understand her position.

          I just wish it was different.

          1. I thought she desperately wanted to join your family because hers is unsupportive and abusive.

            Troll.

          2. Her parents are divorced & very religious. She has a large number of older and younger siblings. I’m sure she can pick out support from them. I haven’t witnessed the abuse. They told me about the abuse. That was my guess as to her motive. Her family is not really my problem. It’s not like I’m going to move her into my house.

          3. Have you seriously considered moving them into your house? That sounds much safer for the child than either growing up with your local duggars or with a very young mom who might not have great coping or parenting skills. It would probably be for a few years, until she and/or your son can afford to live on their own, and have a bit of experience at child-raising

    9. Oh please.

      a) plan B is not always effective. In fact, its “failure rate” is about 20% I believe

      b) Bodies don’t work in accordance with “internet calculators”

      c) grown man is a grown man and makes choices with risks. Does it stink to be him? Yeah sure.

    10. I think the boy most likely committed statutory rpe, and that the 16 year old is much more trapped than him. If he was concerned about this happening he should’ve helped her get plan b. either way, tough situation for all. I would also note that a son is not necessarily telling his mother the whole truth.

      1. IDK — many states have a Romeo & Juliet law, where if you are at least 14 and the other party is no more than 4 years older, it’s not stautory.

        So:
        15 & 19: OK
        17 & 35: Not OK

        1. Yes, I believe this is the situation. They were in the same high school (he a senior, she a sophomore) when they got together.

        2. Many red southern states do NOT have this statute, so it could very well be your son committed rape

          2. Anonybaby…at least that’s something. At least he won’t also be facing jail time and the sex offenders registry list.

            In this situation, a baby is one of the least worst of the things that could have happened to him in this situation.

          3. I think most prosecutors prosecute where the older person is a predator (we see a lot of 25/15 matchups where that happens) and there is no baby (and prosecution is a threat to prevent the baby).

            Once there is a baby, prosecutors think it makes a bad situation worse to put the baby’s day in jail where there is no other abuse / coercion, even w/o a R&J law.

            At this point, I’d want to be very sure that you know who the daddy is and isn’t. And get that confirmed later.

          4. Thanks both and especially the insight into prosecutors thoughts. I do plan to insist on paternity testing.

          6. Wait you plan to insist on paternity testing? I don’t mean to pile on but this poor girl.

          7. If I were a guy, I can’t imagine not doing it. I mean, if there were any question.

            FWIW, I’m rH negative, so I made sure I knew my children’s (girls) blood type b/c I get stuck with rhogam so much and wanted to put the fear of g-d into them that if they ever have a pregnancy, they can’t be secret about it ever b/c not addressing the rH situation could threaten future children.

            Hospitals should do blood typing at birth. If you know what the mother is and know what the son is you may get a red flag right then. Also: genetic counseling. Also: she will be considered high risk just based on age. I’d make sure she is getting the right prenatal care for her and for the baby.

          9. Why wouldn’t grandma insist on paternity testing? This seems reasonable under the circumstances. If it were my son and he was going to be financially caring for the baby (and hopefully, also in the baby’s life a considerable degree in other respects) I would want to know for absolutely sure the baby was his.

          10. To Wow: I feel like you’re missing that son is an adult here – if he’s concerned about the risk of financially caring for a baby that isn’t biologically his, that’s his job to address, not hateful grandma’s. If son were a minor, then I suppose his mother would arguably have some kind of legal/moral standing to be the one to address legal issues such as paternity, but as it stands, it really isn’t grandma’s business, nor is it her place, to be the one to drive the insistence on paternity testing (and honestly, I don’t think she’d even have legal standing to bring that kind of action on her own if, for some reason, her son wasn’t interested in having the test done).

    11. No, I think she took it and it didn’t work. It’s not flawless. And I think a 19 year old man should not be having sex with a 16 year old child.

      And SRSLY? We are talking about whether he has been trapped here? She’s the one stuck with the baby.

      1. She doesn’t have to be stuck with it. She is choosing to keep it.

        Thanks for the note that it’s not flawless, I am glad to know that going forward. I am getting an education here :)

        1. Yes, because that is her right to choose to keep the baby that your son had an equal part in creating. My goodness. I cannot believe the venom towards this teenager.

        2. She is “stuck” with carrying a child, hostility from her boyfriend’s mother, and her future on rocky grounds. Have a little compassion. If her path forward is to keep your child, you have to right to discourage that. Your son CHOSE to sleep with a child. She can CHOOSE to be a mother.

        3. And your son can send checks once a month. If that’s the minimum level of involvement he wants, then legally, that’s allowed. Morally it’s a different story. I know I’m all over this thread but g*ddamn lady, how can you be so ignorant on these issues? I hope for everyone’s stake you stick around and read everything happening on this thread cause you have a lot of learning to do.

          1. Why are you being so ugly? She knows she and her progeny are in a crappy situation and is trying to figure it out.

        4. And now you know that, you’ll have to suck it up and support her. You mentioned that her home life is unstable. Both this girl, your son, and your future grandchild needs you.

          I would second the recommendation of some counseling. This is difficult news for a parent to adsorb. And, the fact that you believe that this girl trapped your son and that his future has been destroyed (because of her), leads me to believe that you are very angry at the situation.

          Working through your feelings and how you plan on coping and providing a good environment for your son, the mother of his child, and your new grandchild would probably be helpful in the long-run. Not only for your new grandchild but also yourself.

      2. And, either way, if she’s keeping it, this little girl is now the mom of your grandchild. The ship has sailed. It’s time for THERAPY. Please.

        1. OP, you said that you would work on opening your heart to the girl. I think like WK says, the ship of what happened and why has sailed.

          You’re going to have a grandchild whether you like it or not, it seems, unless girl changes her mind about adoption again. How much contact you have with this grandchild is an issue that the three of you will have to work out.

          Your son and the girl are in a sticky place, but there are plenty of families that have made this work, and even turn some good. Maybe this is the wakeup call that the girl needs to see what HER life could/will be like. Maybe your son will ditch her and move on. Maybe she will open up to you with trepidation and need, and look to you for guidance as to how to proceed with HER life, which is now wrapped up in yours, and your son’s. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to care for the grandbaby while the girl finishes school.

          Maybe therapy is a good idea, but maybe more importantly is realizing that these two people are equal partners in this crime, and it’s time to make the best of the situation. This child should be raised with love. That’s what every child deserves. Your attitude toward the girl and your potential future grandbaby really closes that door for changing the path of that grandbaby’s life, stopping the cycle of dysfunction & abuse (from the girl’s family’s side), and fostering a family culture of love and support.

          1. I have a career that is important to me and my son is not my only child. I will not be caring for the baby. I will show the baby love and try to show the girl love also.

        2. Anonybaby-

          My 2cents worth

          Internet strangers can’t help with this but I’d talk to a lawyer first. If indeed he did not commit rape according to your jurisdiction’s laws (and I would be very careful to find out for sure before you/your son do anything else), then why would he not ask for a paternity test? I don’t understand why posters think that’s a bad idea. He’s not the first guy to wonder if it’s really “his” child and if it were me, that’d be the first thing I’d ask if it were my son. It’s great that he wants to step up and be a dad but signing on for 18+ years of support shouldn’t be taken on faith. If it is rape, then don’t ask us, ask a lawyer.

          Next, it’s great that you are supporting him and I’m glad that you said that you can support her if indeed it is your grandchild. Whatever “fell off” or whatever pill didn’t get taken – all unimportant now. I wish all of you a happy future.

          1. Being asked for a paternity test is very insulting and off-putting. It can bring on conflict when there is currently none. The child will always have the same DNA, so why rush this? If things get to a place where the father can’t see the child, then ok, but with everything else going wrong for this young mother, I see no reason to accuse her of being unfaithful in the relationship (and we all know the perjoratives that translates into for girls) unless there is a strong reason to think that’s the case.

      3. I just wanted to say that although Anonybaby may have been questioning the girlfriend at first, she is showing an amazing amount of willingness to listen to what others have to say on here especially in the difficult situation she finds herself in. Now it is time to prepare for being a Grandmother (awww, babies, cute!) and find a way to accept this girl into your family. Good luck Anonybaby and from your responses, I think you will do just fine. She and your son are lucky to have you.

        2. That is amazingly kind of you to say, thank you very much!

          I’m ride-or-die for my son, maybe to a fault sometimes but I know he’s human and she’s human and doing her best. She’s smart and pretty and nice and other than her age and a tendency toward dramatics will make a great partner for him and I think she’ll be a loving, caring mother so, it could totally be worse I guess.

          1. Definitely to a fault. I hope you’ve shown this girl more compassion in person than you have here. Your tone has changed so dramatically over the course of the last hour that it leads me to think you’re just a troll, but I hope In-house Europe is right in that you’re actually exhibiting some maturity and growth. I also second the recommendations of others that you seek therapy.

          2. Right! What you feel for your son, maybe that will transfer to his child??? Maybe doubly-so b/c that baby needs everyone in its corner?

          3. And remember, she’s 16 – I don’t know many, or maybe ANY, 16 year olds without at the very least a situational flare for the dramatic. Keep that in mind in the times that seem to try your patience especially.

        3. +1 I was going to post something similar. It seems like anonybaby is having a very normal emotional reaction for someone in her position, and the willingness to listen and realize where she’s been overly emotional is what really makes the difference here. Do your best to see both your son and this girl for who they are. Your son is a flawed human being (more than you seem to believe), and so is his girlfriend, but she’s not the devil.

          1. thank you :)

            (he’s perfect, whatever)

            But, I agree with you and appreciate the comment.

          2. He’s an idiot who slept with a child and got her pregnant. If that’s your version of perfect, aim higher.

          3. Dude, seriously?! Lay off. She’s had a crappy thing happen to her, she’s being emotional, and she’s working her way through it. Every parent feels their child is perfect. Obviously no one actually thinks their kid is perfect. I think that’s the difference here. I actually appreciate the mama bear instinct to be on her son’s side and protect him no matter what. I bet it makes her a good parent. I also think that instinct is misapplied here as it relates to the girlfriend, but it sounds like Anonymama thinks so too. She’ll find her way through it.

          4. I truly hope that your “he’s perfect” statement is meant to be sarcastic, because his actions are anything but perfect. As a mother of boys, I empathize with your situation and can imagine how tough it is. But, no one held a gun to your son’s head to do the deed. Your son chose to have s*x and now must bear the consequences. I wish you and your family the best of luck – and especially to this young woman (child), who will be raising a child.

    12. Well thanks everyone, I got some good info here and a lot to think about. I will work on opening my heart and trying to love her & think positively about this. I appreciate everyone weighing in as only ‘r*ttes can.

      1. FWIW, I have a couple of cousins in similar situations – I think you’re likely seeing that trying to figure out whose “fault” this is, isn’t helpful. From watching those situations go down, I can tell you that everyone’s future (your son’s, the girl’s, the child’s, and your family’s) will be brighter and happier if you can set how they got here aside, and work on how to help these young people and your grandchild have the best possible future.

        Among other things:
        -It’s critical that your son’s girlfriend finish high school and that she go on to (and your son go on to or complete) college/technical school/whatever higher education they would otherwise have planned. CRITICAL. In my experience, it is hard to get back on that track once you’re stepped off.

        -If they don’t marry (and they are very young, so I would say that it’s probably far better if they don’t), make sure your son’s paternity is clearly established and that custody and financial support are established in an enforceable manner (yes, this will most likely involve family court, but the cost/effort now are worth avoiding the drama later…remember, these are teenagers, and drama will occur).

        -The hostility/disappointment/anger that you’re exhibiting here toward this girl…move heaven and earth in your own heart not to show it to her and not to show it to your son. If they perceive you as “against” them, they won’t turn to you for help. In the best possible world at this point (given that she has opted to keep the child), this girl is in your life for the duration. She very likely sees you as the enemy at this point. Work on turning that around, because this isn’t someone who’s going away. I was at a family dinner last week with my cousin’s son, who is likewise 19. He has a one-year-old. His parents haven’t seen the baby (their grandchild) in six weeks, and my aunt (his grandmother, to whom he is very close) has never been able to see the baby, because his parents have such a hostile relationship with the child’s mother (who was 17 when she got pregnant). It is heartbreaking. Trust me – trying to figure out who to blame is the absolute opposite of what you need to do here. There is a better way.

        2. I’ve also seen very similar instances like this in my extended family. What’s done is done and you can’t change it. So you have to decide if you want to have a relationship with your son, the grandbaby, and the mother of your grandbaby. You say you have a career and a stable family life – you can be a positive influence on this terrified teenager’s life.

        3. +1 to getting his paternity legally recognized from the get-go. Often with very very young mothers, the mother and her own mother start to feel like the baby is theirs and theirs alone, and that the father is an interloper — sometimes a scary interloper (he had sex with a 16 year old when he was 19! he can’t be trusted around a baby!). I have seen this time and again in family court. So he and you should definitely spend as much time with the baby as possible from birth, and get custody and support arrangements in place through the courts.

          1. A paternity test is a good idea, if only because the timeline laid out above does not quite add up. I conceived Memorial Day and my due date is 3 weeks later than this girl’s. Of course it depends on exactly when she ovulated, etc., but it’s also possible that she was with someone else a few weeks earlier. (unless she was with your son also several weeks before.)

      2. I got pregnant when I was 17. My boyfriend was 20. We were both a fault for what happened. However, this does not have to ruin your son’s life. My parents were, of course, very angry, but realized quickly that the best thing for all of us would be to help us. My boyfriend and I both worked and went to school. My parents helped a little bit financially and helped with babysitting when we were at either school or work. My boyfriend’s parents also helped us as much as they could.

        Now, 15 years later I am a lawyer. My daughter’s father and I are no longer together, but he is a successful engineer who is married, owns a house, etc. My daughter has a good relationship with his family and I still talk to his mother at least once a week. I am married and have two younger children now also.

        It was important that we both worked hard and set goals that we wanted to achieve, but it would have been nearly impossible to finish school if our parents had not been supportive.

        1. Really inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story!

          I have a friend who got pregnant at 19, went on to have 3 other kids, and is now a successful lawyer. And her husband (who is also the one who got her pregnant the first time and was 18 at the time) is a pediatric neurosurgeon!

        2. That’s awesome, good for you! Another anecdote: I know someone who became a mother in high school and started working immediately after so she could support herself and her baby. She went back to college in her 30s and got a bachelors and masters degree in physics and now has a very successful career (she’s married to her child’s father too).

          1. I know someone who got pregnant at 15 and again at 17 (same father, also her age). They stayed together, got married in their mid-twenties, and had three more children. Mom and dad are now mid-thirties, gainfully employed, with five children. It can work.

    14. You do understand that Plan B is not 100% effective, right? So even if she did take, it may not work.

      1. Fair question–many people don’t realize that it is possible to get different sizes.

    16. Don’t assume the timeline is set in stone just because it’s now remembered this way. Anyone – and especially teenagers – are going to have trouble with this. Accidents happen. People are dumb.

  4. I’m thinking of wearing this dress (in the red color) to the opening reception/dinner Sunday evening for a several days long professional conference in Los Angeles next week. There is a band at the reception, and since it’s the first evening, I’m assuming it will be more fun/less professional clothing, but not super-dressy.

    I’m just having trouble with how to style it. I have some black patent pumps I was thinking of wearing, but I don’t really like the “self-belt,” although I tried several other belts on with it, including a skinny black patent one, and a wider black leather one, and nothing looked really right. Any ideas?

    http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=1711660421002&cid=1038594

      1. Maybe that’s what I need to do, I love my black pumps, because they’re so comfortable, but black just doesn’t work for the belt. Also I was trying to cut back on the number of shoes I was going to pack, but maybe shoes are not where I should cut back.

      2. I also think something like a snakeskin belt would look great – I can’t seem to find an image of what I’m envisioning online right now but maybe check H&M? I got a really great one from there that just goes with everything and elevates almost every outfit.

    2. I could wear my leopard print pointy-toe flats, and just wear the red belt, with my small black clutch. I was looking at images online, and I do like leopard print with red.

  5. cross-posted on C-moms but repopsting here because c-moms seems to tend toward babies.
    We have 2 kids 5 & 7. Both FT working parents, typically 40-50 h/week each. Both kids are in public school, and there’s no one in the house during the day. I’ve somewhat resigned myself to knowing that the house just isn’t going to be as neat & clean as I would like it (before the youngest went to school, we had a daytime nanny that took care of a lot of tidying & all the kid laundry), but it shouldn’t be an excuse to let ALL of my standards fail.

    That said, does anyone have any really good tips/resources/processes/whatever for getting kids to chip in more? I feel like I’m constantly following them around (even in their absence) and picking up messes. Do you have a basket or a bin for each kid so that they can collect their things throughout the day/week? Or a bin per room so that you can corral things to get put back away? I’m really looking for any/all ideas that you have to manage the household on a daily basis. I get that they’ve been in school since mid-august, but I still feel entirely behind and overwhelmed.

    1. I try not to be my child’s servant. So: I don’t pick up toys. If they leave messes, I stop them from the next fun they they’re doing and bring them back to the mess and have them tidy up. I also make them help me do tasks that need to be done for the household: bring in groceries, put groceries away, go to the store. If I work, they need to help me. They put their laundry away (I sort and help with hangers). They help me change and make their beds. They help set the table (or even the breakfast bar) and carry their plates to the trash can and scrape them and put them in the sink (we have lost some utensils). I supervise, but I try to let them do the work.

      It is hard b/c they have no sense and not the best skills, but without starting at bad and getting better over time (and taking this on as “this is what people do in our house”) they will never have these habits and will never get better.

      1. We’ve adopted this mentality to some extent, and our kids do help out, though often begrudgingly. I know we need to be more consistent. However, DH and I have been trying to help them to understand that if THEY don’t clean their own messes/pitch in/whatever, that the responsibility falls on US. We say that to them: if you don’t do X, that means that I have to do it. We’re trying to pitch our household as a ship and that all hands have to help to make it run.
        They always take their plates/silverware off the table and to the dishwasher. The oldest unloads the DW, and we put away (ceramic plates in wall-hung cabinets are hard for a kid to do). They keep track of jackets, shoes, backpacks, etc. I wash & fold, and have begun to get the oldest to put away folded clothes. All shirts hang, and they both have trouble with hangers.

        They’re terrible at keeping the bathroom clean–toothpaste on the counter, splatters on the mirror, dried toothpaste spit in the sink, and don’t get me started with the toilet…and they’re generally not too good at keeping paper/crafts/markers and such corralled and tidy. We have places designated for all of the things, and they’re easy & accessible, but the kids just don’t clean up.

        1. Not the greenest solution, but I would buy Clorox wipes and glass wipes and keep them in their bathroom. Teach them to wipe down the counter, sink and mirror (and toilet if you want to go there) every morning or night. This takes 45 seconds, no skills, and little effort and time on your part to supervise this activity until it becomes habitual.

          As far as the other stuff, tell them if they leave stuff out, you will confiscate it. I would get a basket and if they leave there stuff out, confiscate it for 24 hours/1 week/whatever time period is long enough to make it hurt.

          2. +1. My kids love to wipe things. It’s weird. During the summer they would spend half an hour on the front porch wiping down the front door.

          3. I’ve kept them there ever since my boy potty-trained ten years ago. Gave him understand directions once, that he should use them if he makes a mistake or misses. Either it works, or he’s got perfect aim.

    2. We have a nanny, so YMMV, but she has the kids do specific chores on specific days. So Monday is clean up the living room, Tuesday the playroom, Wednesday their bedroom, etc. Nothing fun happens (no TV, no snacks) until the chore is done. They can earn a “chore of the day” star on the chore chart if they contribute and don’t whine about it.

      Also, I have them bring out their plates to the sinks, and my oldest (8) can help put away the dishes. They also help me make food to their level.

      Still working on them (and TBH, my DH too!) to put their clothes in the hampers rather than strewing them about the floor.

    3. Start with 1-3 age-appropriate chores (in our house tied to allowance) and then enforce doing them regularly. So my 6 year old since starting kindergarten is expected to set the table and make his own lunch. Also clean up play room on weekends. At first all of these required supervision but a year in he can do well with very minimal help, and usually limited whining.

    4. Before bed every evening, we all help pick up the living room and dining room. The kids (ages 15, 7, 4) are supposed to put their stuff away, but sometimes it just gets tossed in their room. If they want their allowance for the week, their rooms must be clean by Sunday. So often, they clean their rooms on Saturdays. I have made sure that everything has a place and the kids know where things go, so they are both able to clean their rooms in less than 30 minutes. (The teenager is a different story, haha. . .)

    5. I don’t have kids yet, but my mum had a hard rule that my sister and I had to return ALL our stuff to our bedrooms at the end of the day. Like, you couldn’t leave your shoes in the hallway, your homework on the dining room table, your recorder in the living room, nothing. She put bins at the bottom of the stairs for us to collect our things in, but the real reason it worked is because she enforced it. I remember her coming up to our rooms when we were reading before bed and getting us out of bed to go downstairs and tidy our things because we’d forgotten.

      I have much younger siblings, and the only modification for them is that they keep their phones charging downstairs rather than in their bedrooms at night.

    7. The key to getting kids to chip in is your energy. I hate it, but see no way around it.

  6. How do you know when you need glasses? I went to get my eyes checked earlier this year, and the doctor said I don’t need glasses. But I find myself getting really close to what I’m trying to read, although I recognize that I can read it fine when I sit back. I also feel like I can’t read things from a distance (like signs very far down the road) as well as I used to be able to, although that’s been true for a couple of years now. Obviously my doctor knows what she’s doing, but should I just wait for my next visit or get a second opinion or what?

    1. Go again, either to the same doc or another one. Your eyes can change quickly, so if it’s been 4-6 months, you may need to re-evaluate. Also, it sounds like you may just be hitting the point of reading glasses if holding things farther away helps for reading. You could try readers from the drug store, but I would probably get a DX for them first, just to be sure it’s not something else.

    2. That sounds like astigmatism, for which very light adjustments can make a huge difference. I’d get a second opinion and describe exactly what’s going on.

      I have astigmatism, and I got my first pair of glasses about 12 years ago. I wore them in college (to see the projector screen clearly), but I didn’t wear them all the time. I started to notice last year that working at my computer was fuzzy. Not blurry, but not crisp. I also had trouble with fine detail at a distance, but the added difficulty of close-up things was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back for me in terms of getting my eyes checked again. (Yes, it had been 12 years since I had seen an optometrist…). I got a Rx for glasses and found that wearing them all the time was what was best for me. I did take them off in the daytime to switch to non-prescription sunglasses, because shade was more important to me than the crisp.

      This year I got rechecked, and my Rx had changed, but slightly. I got contacts this year, and had a toric lens in the right eye, and non-toric in the other. I found that the non-toric wasn’t working for me. I went back to get them finalized, and the doc said that my astigmatism in the left eye was so borderline, that we could try the lightest strength toric lens. It made all the difference in the world.

      I now wear contacts pretty much daily, and when I take them out in the evening, I still put my glasses on when I read and such, but again, my un-aided vision is not so bad that I can’t see anything at all–it’s just the detail.

    3. When you can no longer distinguish individual leaves on the trees from a distance, then you probably need glasses.

  7. I want to do one of those custom puzzles that is a map of your home address. But the address I want to use is a European (Finland) address. Does anyone know of a retailer that will make the puzzle for a non-U.S. address? Thanks!

    1. Try Uncommon Goods – I’ve seen these there. Maybe their manufacturer/supplier can do a special order.

    3. My mom just had one done for my aunt who lives in Paris. I’ll check to see what company she used

  8. Wow – the comments today are so friggin’ disturbing that I just have to comment on the jacket. And I don’t like it. Hopefully someone else will dissent, and then we can go back to talking about clothing and other less serious topics for a while.

      1. This. I love versatile little blazers, but that is at least twice what I would pay for one from NY&Co. Nordstrom has a few house brands that have lower prices that I’m sure are nicer quality. Or at least better customer service.

      2. On the upside, they have huge sales constantly. I can’t image paying full price when they issue 30% coupons every week

      3. It’s so hit and miss there, I won’t buy their stuff online. You can find more quality things if you’re IN the store, but they are less common than the thin/low quality fabrics there.

  9. I remember being 16. I do not in any way condemn a teenage boy for having a girlfriend a few years younger who happens to be on the other side of the magic line our laws have drawn. I’m not sure when all the talking with your son took place. I can’t blame my parents for my own teenage pregnancy, but I remember very clearly how my mother shut me down the one and only time I tried to ask her some questions.

    On raising the child: it sounds like you are going to be a very, very involved grandma. A young man who cannot even figure out how to use a condom properly (seriously, they fall off?) is not ready to be a father. It sounds like the girl could benefit from some parenting classes. Many people who vow not to do to their kids what their parents did to them wind up doing just that. Assuming finishing high school, some period of education, and settling into a job, they might be with you until little one is in kindergarten.

    Love that child! Remember that none of asked to be born, and it is not the babe’s fault.

    On the bright side for the girl, although this is very young to become a mother, she will still have the possibility of really digging into a career while she is relatively young. It may be similar for your son, who is not much older. I wish all of you, including the baby, the best.

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