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Updated: Sep 5, 2019 125 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Vida Pump

Coffee Break

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Nordstrom has a ton of shoes marked down as part of their big summer sale, including these highly rated shoes from Nic + Zoe. If you have fussy feet, I always like this kind of “cheat” where a wide heel is markedly thinner on one side — the effect being that you, your feet and your balance enjoy the comfort of a wide heel — while most of the time appearing to be wearing a skinnier, almost stiletto-like heel. These snake-print ones look perfect, both as a versatile neutral as wel as a “trend” piece (animal prints are big this season!) — but they also have solid-colored options also marked 30% off. They were $159, but are now $79-$99, available in sizes 6-10. Vida Pump Looking for something different? These mules are cray-cray… in the best way.  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

    • Anon

      I think it depends on how you style it. Do you own it and go all out with accessories that make it feel modern? I think wearing it just as-is is a bit dull.

      As far as quality, it’s in the same neighborhood as Tahari ASL. (The ASL part is important.)

      • Ellen

        I think you will look cute if you are svelte. Otherwise, it tends to look grandmotherly, like my Grandma Trudy, particularly if you have a tuchus. I would see if you can get 2 sizes, and if the smaller size is to small, try and get the larger size tailored so that your tuchus can look flat. I wish L&T were still down the block from work, but it is now owned by Wework. FOOEY on them.

    • Anonymous

      Sadly, frumpy and poor quality. Personally I actually love it but I think it’s a no.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I kind of love it but I also own a not dissimilar tweed suit. I think it would look so great with a black turtleneck underneath and some really sexy black suede boots.

    • Anon

      I love the jacket and think it would be so cute with a non-matching dress or skirt but as a full suit I think it’s a bit much.

    • Anon

      I personally don’t want to give Karl Lagerfeld (or his estate I guess) any of my money, but this jacket is a classic Chanel style and probably a good thing to have in your closet to throw on over a dress or a white tee and jeans/slim black pants. I don’t get the frumpy thing at all.

        • Of Counsel

          “That man” is dead and his most likely heirs are his cat and an 11-year old so I personally would not worry about buying from his (former) company.

          • Anon

            He doesn’t make my size anyway! But I wouldn’t mind supporting the cat….

    • Anonymous

      Low quality. I would give this a pass. Rebecca Taylor is great if you are in a tweed mood.

    • The Good Wife

      I love it. It’s almost so frumpy (in the best possible way) that it is modern. Especially with a very sleek heel and jewels. But it would depend on how you styled it

  2. Gap Year?

    How much money or months of expenses would you need to feel comfortable taking a planned sabbatical year off work to travel and volunteer? Assume mid-30, single, no kids. Would be a clean break from work, so you’d need to find a job after, which could take a few months. A friend is considering doing this and asked for my thoughts. Risk-averse me thinks it sounds amazing but slightly terrifying. I told her I would need 3 yrs of expenses saved to feel ok about it. Thoughts?

    • SSJD

      That would be exciting. Three years seems excessive. I’d want to have the money to support myself for the year of sabbatical and a few months afterwards. I cannot really imagine doing this without a lot of money in my account, so maybe I agree with you more than I realized at first glance. I’ll go on record with 18 months.

    • Anonymous

      What industry? If she’s a dr./nurse/healthcare person — she needs like 14 mos of savings — 12 mos for the year off + 2 months to find a job. If she’s a lawyer — I’d plan on at least 12-18 mos of unemployment after the year is over. If in banking or engineering, maybe plan for 6-12 mos of unemployment. All of this — except medicine — will also be influenced by the economy, so if she’s off traveling and we hit a recession, she comes back to a situation where a lot of people are competing for jobs so instead of 12-18 mos to find an attorney gig it could easily take 2 years.

    • anon

      Probably 2 years expenses. But I have a very high demand skill set and I’m pretty sure I could easily get a job within a couple of weeks.

      What is she going to do about insurance? That would be my biggest question. I would 100% not do this period unless she has some kind of good insurance figured out.

    • Anonymous

      2.5. One for the year off, half for the job search, one for the recommended emergency fund when I started work again.

    • Anon

      Honestly, as someone who graduated law school in mid-’09 and wasn’t employed full-time as an attorney until late 2011, I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable enough to do this until I had enough saved that I could retire or at least live on minimum wage for the rest of my life. I’m more risk averse than most though. If I were in her shoes, I’d focus on finding a job that I was more passionate about and that gave me better work-life balance so I could do the travel and volunteering I wanted without quitting the workforce completely.

    • Anon

      Honestly, as someone in my mid-30s who is watching my parents enter retirement without enough money and starting to have health issues, I’m not sure there is enough money in the world to make me feel comfortable doing that since I do want to have kids. If I never wanted kids, I could maybe see doing it if I had a lot set aside already for retirement and had at least 3 years of non-retirement savings on top of what I planned to spend on the trip. But I would still be worried, because at least in my field, I would likely not be able to find a job when I got back that paid as much, especially if we enter a recession.

      But I’m also very risk averse, and can’t really see doing it regardless of who amazing it sounds

    • anon

      I think this is highly dependent on the type of job you have and how in demand your skills are. I was speaking with a friend recently who is considering taking a year off to travel. He’s an actuarial consultant, and he said someone will always be hiring actuaries (I have no independent opinion of whether this is true).

      He’s mid-30s, single, no kids. He has been making a good salary in a LCOL area for about 10 years, has been living with roommates for $500/mo in rent the entire time, and is extremely frugal. So he probably also has a small fortune in the bank.

    • Anonymous

      Why three years? That sounds fear-based, and not like an actual plan.

      I’ve done it on less. Your friend needs to get a concrete, realistic financial plan into place. I kept my normal emergency fund in place. Then I created a budget for the time I wouldn’t be working. I planned for travel and living expenses for each place I’d be visiting, and planned for normal expenses like insurance, food, storing my household items (moved out of my apartment), some clothing, cell phone bills, entertainment, transportation costs, etc. Then I did the same kind of budget for the months on the other end for the time I’d need to find a job, and added moving expenses for getting back into another living situation, including travel to find a job if I needed to. When your friend has that kind of plan in place, plus an emergency fund, she’s good to go. Especially if she can cover all that without draining her normal savings or (obviously) touching any of her retirement funds.

      I have good job skills and was reasonably certain I could find something to do afterward, and, if not,I was willing to do whatever kind of work I needed to while I was getting back into the job game.

      Totally worth it.

    • Anonymous

      Nine month emergency fund for expenses/job hunting when I return. Usual emergency fund is 6 months.

      Sounds amazing. Have three kids and we are looking at taking two months leave without pay to travel next year.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Eh, if you’re in good health and fortunate enough not to have to take care of anyone, I would say… a month’s worth of money when I get back, assuming travel is paid for? I did this younger, but lived and worked abroad for a year, broke even or even lost money on the whole thing — like I spent every penny I earned and some of my savings on living there and traveling — and then I crashed w family until I found a job back in the US. (I recognize the vast privilege having this safety net affords me.) She should travel somewhere cheap.

      I’m so glad I did that before I had a kid and a mortgage and all that! Such great experiences, and traveling that way will be impossible for the foreseeable future for me.

      • Rainbow Hair

        Unsolicited further thoughts:

        Does she have a skill she’s using for this volunteering (like is she a doctor)? Sometimes that voluntourism isn’t as great as it looks on first glance.

        Would she be open to WWOOFing?

    • Gap Year?

      Thanks all, this is really helpful. I’m going to share this thread with my friend (who is a lawyer, which is why I suggested 3 yrs of expenses, especially if she’s trying to reenter the work force in a recession).

      • Anon

        How long it takes to find a job depends a lot on your market and what type of jobs she is willing to take. Even in a recession, she could probably get a job as a document reviewer without much problems. However, it took me and most people I know close to (or over) a year to get a new job when we wanted to leave biglaw. Assuming she doesn’t want to become a document reviewer, I would assume much longer than a few months to find a new job when she returned.

        • Rainbow Hair

          This tracks with my experience. When I got back to the states I got a doc review job pretty quickly, but had to network my butt off to get the kind of job I wanted, and it took about 8 months or so.

  3. Color question

    What is a modern way to wear hot pink? I have a hot pink skirt and love how it looks on me but my black, white, and navy shirts all look very 90s.

    • Anon

      Er, baby blue, spring green, a sunny yellow? I would probably take the skirt and hold it up against every cardigan, sweater, and blouse I have in my closet to see what pops.

    • Anon

      If it’s a pencil skirt, I’d pair with a black turtleneck and black tights in winter.

    • Melanie

      Suggestions for tops, depending on how much a statement you want to make & where you want to draw attention.
      Monochromatic: hot pink top & skirt
      Tonal: shell or baby pink (same tone but much lighter)
      Colorblock: equally vibrant shade of orange, marigold yellow, kelly/clover green, etc. The trick is finding a similar colour intensity.
      Unexpected but still sedate: deeper wine/plum shades, the gorgeous deep green shades of this fall, greys (light stone to dark graphite), camel, baby blue goes with everything
      Print: floral (Ted Baker is king of florals, lands end often has some), gingham, pinstripe, animal (especially snake or leopard)
      Texture: velvet blazer, sleek leather or suede jacket, tweed, even corduroy for a casual outing

      Also, modern accessories go a long way to perk up classic pieces. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I wear hot pink a lot and I like to wear it with grey or red in addition to often pairing it with black or white.

    • Biggest Balls in the Room

      I pair hot pink with navy. It’s less harsh than black and looks really nice together, especially with some pewter shoes and accessories.

  4. Long-sleeved maxi dress for work?

    I think I want a long-sleeved maxi dress that I can wear to work (casual office), but so many maxi dresses are sleeveless and/or beachy and/or too TryingHardToBeBohoInstagramMeetsLittleHouseOnThePrarie or for someone several decades younger than me. I think I’d like something that reads “Long Office Caftan” but am struggling to find / google.

    Something in a fallish color/fabric?

    Does this exist IRL? If so, what to search or which stores?

  5. Anon

    My dog doesn’t travel well, and we go to the lake pretty often. She’ll throw up if I put her in the back of my SUV, so I put her on a passenger seat and she only drools (though profusely). I’ve been covering the seat and floor and door with overlapping beach towels, but she invariably manages to move them around and drool gets around. Any recs for something that could protect my car? It’s a Highlander and has captain’s chairs in the second row, so it’s not as simple as a bench seat cover. Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      have some recommendations on the not traveling well, in case you need them. You can get motion sickness medicine from your vet. It’s covered by our pet insurance so we just pay the co-pay. There are multiple levels – our dog needs the stronger one.

      Also, our dog is much more comfortable in the car in a carrier – she gets significantly less motion sickness, and doesn’t drool or pant. We have a large soft sided crate that she goes in, and we can strap it into the back seat for safety. We leave the top open and she pokes her head out. That may help with the drooling, since she would drool in the crate.

    • Anon

      There should be some covers that fit closely to a captain’s chair (I got some luck googling for “front seat” cover, since the captain’s chairs will be like the front seats), but in addition to that I’d make sure she’s in a harness + seat belt, which will keep her much safer anyway, and hopefully keep her drool to a smaller area.

    • Miss

      There are lots of dog covers that are made for front seats. You can do a search on major retail websites to see what works best for your car.

    • anon

      or just leave your dog at home? why does everyone need to bring their pet to every event?

      i honestly even hate dogs on patios

    • nutella

      Weathertech makes seat protectors as well as floor mats that fit your make and model. Check them out as they may have other pet solutions for you.

    • Anonymous

      WeatherTech has protective gear specific to your car’s make, model, and model year. You can buy floor liners, seat covers, and SUV cargo liners. They fit perfectly. Made in Wisconsin, expensive, but entirely worth it to protect my car and they last years. The seat covers are washable once they get gross.

  6. Penelope Chilvers Tall Tassel Boot

    I have wanted these forever, saved up, and made my work goal. And now where I may stumble:

    Black? (which is black / gray, mostly gray)

    Or Conker (which is brown)? Kate Middleton has these in this color and they look fab on her. She lives in the middle of a large financial capital (as do I), but they always seem woodsy and sporty. I am older, shorter, and have some junk in the trunk. But more importantly, I may be on #TeamBlack (possibly overcommitted to it though).

    I am thinking of the Conker: office is newly casual, and I like browns with demin (vs black/gray with denim), and I may be too overcommitted to black neutrals and it could just be time to try something else.

    I know: no brown in the town, but I am just struggling overly with this. If it matters, I have cowboy boots in oxblood, tan, and black, and the only ones I ever return b/c they just seemed too austere, color-wise, were some Freys in the gray family.

    Help!

    • Never too many shoes...

      First off, congratulations!

      I think these are a more rustic looking boot and look great in the brown (which I concur goes super well with denim). No brown in town is ridiculously antiquated, especially for a boot like this. I vote the Conkers for sure.

      • Anon

        Echoing the congrats! And also echoing the above comment. I bought these in conker when I made partner last year, one of the best things I’ve ever bought. I wore them so much last winter, never got a blister, and got so many compliments.
        Just FYI be sure to measure your calf — I have a slim calf and usually tall boot shafts are way too wide for me, but these fit perfectly, so I’d definitely say they are on the slim side.
        Seriously, love, love, love these boots, though, and can’t wait to break them out again soon.

        • Anonymous

          I have been coveting these boots forever, and knowing that they are slim in the calf makes me want them even more!

          OP, congratulations! Definitely the Conker. The style is just too outdoorsy for black.

    • Bitsy

      How are you going to wear these, now that tucking jeans into boots is passe? They look too outdoorsy for dresses.

  7. Anon

    I’ve been searching for an over the toilet storage unit. I recently bought and retuned one because it was not sturdy and I didn’t want it to fall. I also want one that doesn’t need to be mounted into the wall. It can be a basic metal or wood one. Any suggestions? TIA

    • Anon

      At work, keep healthy snacks around so at least what I’m eating is healthy. At night, go to sleep when I’m bored.

      • Anon

        I keep a bag of mini carrots at my desk for a day or two. I can eat all I want. Grapes work, too.

    • Anonymous

      I try and be less bored! Two or three nights a week I’m at dance class, or I watch something interesting on TV, or take a bath, or do a sheet mask. Also my cat hates it when I kick him off my lap to get a snack.

      • anon

        Indeed. It sounds glib but this is the only solution for me. If I’m about to boredom eat then that’s my cue to assess what need is not being met. Doing something that is very immersive (for me, that’s drawing) helps, too.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe some kind of desk toys like a stress ball to squeeze or a ball to roll around? fidget spinner? Just something to provide a little extra distraction.

  10. Anon

    Help me buy a car! I’m finally ready to replace my mid-90s Toyota Camry, which I purchased used from my parents. I’m looking for suggestions both on what I should buy and general tips for buying a new car from a dealership. I’m really happy with Toyota but am open to other brands. I drove a crossover SUV on vacation once and really loved the road visibility and ease of loading my toddler into and out of the carseat, so I was thinking about the RAV4 but it seems excessive for our small family (two adults, one toddler, one small dog) and we’ll be out of the carseat phase of life relatively soon. I’m also thinking about a Corolla which seems to make more sense for our lifestyle and I like that it’s a bit narrower than the Camry (we currently have two Camrys in our garage and it’s tight). Either way, I think I’m interested in a hybrid model for the environmental benefits. I expect my toddler to eventually drive this car, so I want All The Safety Features but I don’t think that’s very dependent on make or model. I definitely don’t want a luxury car or to be spending money on any features that are purely aesthetic, ie., not related to safety or the environment. What cars would you recommend?

    • Anon

      What kind of driving do you do? Do you live in a big city, do you take road trips often?

      • Anon (OP)

        Oh yeah that would probably be helpful…we live in a small city, my commute (including daycare/school drop-off) is about 5 miles/15-20 minutes. We go to the big cities 1-2 hours away probably once a month on average but rarely do road trips longer than that. DH has a 2010 Camry that we could also use for highway driving, since when we go to the city usually the entire family is together and it doesn’t matter if we take my car or DH’s car.

        • Anon

          What about a Prius? The new Corolla hybrid has poor reviews and the Prius has a 5 star NHTSA rating.

    • anne-on

      We just got the new Corolla Hybrid and really like it! Feels much quieter/nicer than our previously leased Corolla and is MUCH roomier/nicer looking than the prius. Good package and GREAT on gas mileage obviously. A bit $$ for a Corolla, but not as bad as a Prius.

    • Anonymous

      Do you live somewhere snowy? Hilly? I used to have an old Civic, and when it came time to replace it, I opted for a CR-V because I now live somewhere hilly and snowy (instead of flat and snowy), and I need AWD to get to my street in the winter. My spouse’s Accord struggles to get there in fresh snow. If I was living somewhere that was flat and snowy or warm and hilly, I would’ve definitely gotten another Civic.

    • Anon

      No advice on model, but, for car buying, I recommend test driving a few cars. Once you know what you want to purchase, I would email all of the dealerships in your area (defined broadly, i.e., those you are willing to drive to) that sell that car, tell them exactly what you want and how you plan to pay, and ask for their best offer. I find it a lot easier to negotiate over email then in person, and this lets you comparison ship between the locations. I’ve also heard that you can get better deals at the end of the month, but not sure how true that is.

    • anon

      I drive an SUV in the same size class as the RAV4, also have one child in a carseat and a husband. The size is perfect. We can throw a bunch of stuff in the back for road trips or when we are out for the day. Getting LO in and out of the carseat is a breeze. It’s great to be a little higher and have visibility. We can fit 2 people in the back with the carseat if needed. If you’re concerned about the environment, buy used.

    • Sarabeth

      If you want a hybrid, get a Prius. Personally, I’d go for the plug-in model.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve driven a Honda CR-V for years, starting as a single person, now married and about to have our first and only baby. I’ve never felt like it was excessively large. It’s a reasonable amount of “extra” space that has proved useful over the years (camping, bringing home a piece of furniture, etc) without feeling like I’m driving something massive. My next car will likely be another CR-V.

      • Anon

        For what it’s worth, my husband sincerely wishes we’d never gotten rid of our 2005 CR-V.

      • Rainbow Hair

        I feel the same way about our CR-V. We were no-car people before we got it (city living <3) and had an infant. We really thought we wanted a Fit, because we didn't think we needed a lot of car. Her carseat barely fit in the Fit, and it was just too too small. The CR-V, though, is a comfortable size for our two-adults-one-kid family. Plenty of room in the back for a stroller/luggage/camping stuff (or, if we are being real, stuffed animals and forgotten princess dresses), but it's still easy to park. About the only downside I can think of is that everyone in the world owns the same car as us, so I do go to the wrong car in parking lots about once a month.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a single with a Subaru Forester and I love it. Very handy when I need to haul stuff — I think it would be great for a family. Excellent ratings and drives smoothly. Highly recommend.

      • Beth

        +1 on the Subaru Forester; I love mine. I’m 5’1 and its still a really comfortable car to drive. The Subaru safety packages–EyeSight–are awesome and consistently top-rated by Consumer Reports etc. They are available in 2016-and-on Foresters, so you can get a few years old used car that still has top-of-the-line safety. We’ve also appreciated the standard 4-wheel drive.

    • Anon

      Small SUV or a station wagon (including Subarus). Depending on your price range or tolerance for used cars, a Volvo V60 or V90.

      You do not think you now need the space, but you will get to the point wherein you’ll want to stuff your kid and three of her friends in the car, or go on a long road trip somewhere. Your kid will play sports, and the sports equipment won’t fit in the trunk – or it does, but it means you can’t go grocery shopping while s/he’s at practice, because the groceries and the lacrosse sticks don’t both fit.

      In the almost 200,000 miles that I’ve driven with my station wagon, I’ve needed the wagon cargo capacity maybe every few months – but it’s wonderful to have when it’s there. Dining room tables, queen bed frames, assembled desks, half-assembled futons, massive boxes of political yard signs and push cards, four college kids and their luggage, golf clubs or ski equipment – yeah, I don’t need it that often, but when you need it, you need it.

    • Anon

      I actually went from a late-90s Camry to a new ish Prius last year and I love it! It feels pretty similar and I got used to the new site lines, etc really quickly. I moved in and out of college dorms/apartments several times with my dads old prius so I know it can hold a lot, if necessary, but I also have no problem parallel parking in downtown areas.

    • anon

      Subaru Crosstrek. they retain value and are so safe. we looked at similar crossovers (mazda, honda) and liked it best. DD is 2 and I’m planning for it to be her first car. our local dealership is amazing, we were very happy with them. I’d see if you can test one out overnight?

  11. Anon

    I had a situation earlier this week that I guess I just want to vent about. Maybe you have some feedback for me.

    I am part of an industry group, kind of like an advisory panel, that meets roughly quarterly. Since lots of people come in from out of town for it, we usually have dinner the night before or the night of the meeting.

    Last quarter at dinner, one of the members was talking about she was on weight watchers and kidding around about how difficult it was to find anything ww-friendly on the menu. Lots of people (men and women) chimed in about weight loss and what had worked or not worked for them. The colleague on ww was a bit overweight but not huge or anything.

    This quarter she’s very thin, and she is also pale and shaky and was leaning against the back of a chair for support when standing. I know through a mutual friend that she’s in the middle of some serious health issues involving biopsies and surgeries and so forth, and lots of scary waiting for results, but basically it’s not ww making her thin, it’s an illness which may or may not be life threatening. She knew I knew about it, and we chatted quietly about it before the meeting – just kind of me expressing concern and wishing her well, her saying things like thank you and we’ll see.

    But as people started arriving, it seemed like every other person who came in congratulated her on her weight loss and told her how great she looked, how they wished they had her willpower, etc.

    I felt so awkward for her. I felt angry that everyone was so focused on thinness as the be-all-end-all that they were making this sick woman uncomfortable. I don’t know what was going through her mind – kind of like, really? this is so much better than I was before because I’m thin now? – and I know it wasn’t my place to say anything. I don’t know that I could have done anything about it at all, but it was icky and I feel bad about it today.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Yeah, this is why I never ever ever comment on people’s weight or diet choice in any way. My stepmom went through the same thing when going through cancer treatment (and she was already naturally quite thin beforehand, so it was frightening how many people equated her being even thinner than before as being healthy!). When people would ask what she was doing, she would flatly answer with “chemo”, but most people probably would probably have a hard time being that blunt. I think her response was (hopefully) a wake up call for a lot of people that commenting on weight is Not Okay.

      • Anon

        Wow, that’s awful. I hope that was a wake-up call to people, and good on her for being that blunt.

        It’s not that it’s okay to be rude to rude people, but there’s no need to twist oneself into knots, either.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Sorry if I misunderstood this, but I don’t think it’s the least bit rude to answer the question of what your weight loss secret is with the actual reason for the weight loss. It might be uncomfortable to hear, but that’s on the asker.

          • Anon

            Maybe I should have been more clear – blunt and rude aren’t the same thing. Good on her for being blunt and not twisting herself into knots in the face of rudeness.

      • Ellen

        Yes, that is why I sympathize with people with health issues, whatever their weight. I also think weight should not be held up as a goal, as some of us naturally have more weight in places we wish we did not, and as a result, our larger tuchii cause us to have to wear larger clotheing then we would if our tuchii were flat. I wish I had a smaller tuchus, but have learned to live with mine, which some people actually prefer. The key is to be happy with yourself, and not what other people think of you. FOOEY on them!

    • Anonymous

      It’s sad of course but also when you decide to talk about your weight loss at a work function I think you’ve opened up the conversation

      • Anon

        +1 I don’t think the people making comments were doing anything wrong, especially if they didn’t have the background knowledge that OP does about this woman’s health. I think getting angry about this is ultimately unproductive.

        • Anon

          The thing is, she didn’t look better. She didn’t look great. She just looked thinner.

    • anon

      Ugh. It’s the culture of equating thinness with health. I’ve also made it a policy to never ever ever comment on people’s weight or diet choices. I don’t know anyone who has had this happen while they had cancer, etc., but I know plenty of people with diagnosed eating disorders who get comments about how great they look when they’re really struggling.

      Also, as someone who was fat and then lost weight at a healthy rate through diet and exercise and then gained it back, I have mixed feelings about compliments for healthy weight loss. On the one hand, it’s hard to do, and losing weight is a hard-earned accomplishment for many people. On the other hand, when I was thinner, it made me feel icky to be inherently compared to how I looked before–and of course, now that I’ve gained the weight back, I have no illusions about how people feel about fat me.

      • Anon

        “On the one hand, it’s hard to do, and losing weight is a hard-earned accomplishment for many people. On the other hand, when I was thinner, it made me feel icky to be inherently compared to how I looked before–and of course, now that I’ve gained the weight back, I have no illusions about how people feel about fat me.”

        From an outsider’s perspective, it’s tough. If the person did something challenging and feels like it was a big improvement in their lives, then complimenting them seems like the right thing to do. But maybe the focus should be on the effort and the behaviours, not the end result.

        If people don’t experience it with weight, they experience it with other things – getting out of debt, finding a job, getting to a not-toxic place with dating or family, etc. Yes, the end results (health, stable finances, career path, better relationships, etc.) are healthier and productive, but it’s easy to make people feel ashamed of having been there at all.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Yeah, that’s pretty awful. Agree with the folks on here who are saying “that’s why we shouldn’t equate thinness with health” — when I was in ED-land, my mom would always gush about how ‘healthy’ (not-as-fat) I looked. Drinking my face off and eating next to nothing was not actually healthy, mom.

      I also agree with the folks that we should just STFU about other people’s bodies. Like 5:47, I’ve had that sinking feeling when someone says “oooh you’ve lost weight!!!” (I try not to track my weight, and work hard to not ever make “smaller number on the scale” the goal of my eating or exercise choices) and I say something like “well I’m not doing anything in particular!” and then they double down “no you’ve *really* lost weight” Sigh … it’s hard not to hear “you were just like, really problematically fat before, RH! now you’re OK because you’re smaller!”

      One of my besties tells me something like “I’m proud that you’re feeling stronger in [particular class I’m taking]!” or “Yesss we are BAMFs who go to the gym even when we don’t want to!” — that kind of stuff feels good and supportive, without making me feel like I am unworthy if/when I do less/weigh more. I recently saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while — in the interim, she’d started running. I admit that I told her “your @ss looks great in those jeans! like really great!!!” but she contrasted that to her mother Commenting On Her Body, which is a completely different vibe.

      TL;DR, don’t comment on my body except to tell me my @ss looks great. (also accepting compliments on my b00bs)

      • Anon

        Wow, your b0obs, Rainbow Hair! Va va voom!

        I also struggle with my weight and t&a are the consolation prizes. Husband is not complaining.

    • Anon

      Yeah people are weird like this. I was a normal healthy weight and then I lost a bunch of weight unintentionally due to thyroid disease. I was not healthy at all, both in terms of how I felt (awful) and in terms of BMI (categorized as underweight) but I got so many comments about how great I looked and had I lost weight, what was I doing, etc. I’m really tall and so many people made comments like “now you could really be a supermodel.” I’m sure people felt sorry for me when I gained the weight back, but I’m much healthier now.

  12. Anonymous

    I am one week into adding tretinoin (0.025% Retin-A) in my skincare routine. Previously, I had very oily skin so all my daytime face products are oil-free and mattifying. A few products are almost used up, and I’m getting ready to replace. Do you think I should replace with the same products or try less drying products?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know, I’ve been using tretinoin for a while now and my face is still pretty oily.

    • Anon

      You may want to wait on buying for a few weeks to see how it affects your skin. My skin is normal but I live in a humid climate so always used mattifying products and I ended up having to add more moisturizing products. The most useful thing I did was mixing my tretinoin with hyaluronic acid, then following that up after it dried with a sleeping pack (i.e. a super moisturizing overnight cream).

  13. Paging Kara

    I posted a long reply on your morning question about personalizing your office when it is half a table, and making startup space more comfy in general. I have been working at a place like this for ages (my office is sometimes half a table and usually my backpack :) )

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