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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Go for it
Love tweed, I have to measure for length!
Aggie
22 inches would not be an office appropriate length for me, but I’m tall with a short torso.
anon
I can’t wear LOFT skirts; they are super short on me. I’m 5’8″, so not giant.
Ellen
I wish I were 5’8″, as does Dad. He said that he wished I were taller b/c I could be married by now. So what if I couldn’t wear LOFT skirts (I can now), but would give it up in a nano-second if I could find a husband! FOOEY!
Anon
22” is going to be pretty short on just about everyone
Anonymous
Man, I used to wear work skirt suits this short. I blame it on Melrose Place and Ally MacBeal. It was done, ladies. Even by Brooks Brothers.
Ms B
Shorter, even, but that was 25 years and about three sizes ago . . . still, at 5′ 1″, this probably works for me with a black tissue weight turtleneck or shell, a black jacket or cardigan, and those M. Gemi Scuola tall chunky loafers this winter.
PolyD
I’m about 5’4” and 22 inches is a good length for me. I’m pretty evenly proportioned, far as I know.
I am surprised it’s from Loft, though, as their skirt and dress offerings have been much too short lately – especially for dresses, the proportions are all wrong.
anon
Likewise – I’m just a touch too tall for petites, and 22″ works for me… but a lot of their skirts are more like 18″ right now, which definitely does not work!
Senior Attorney
I’m 5’2″ so I love this length and this is a great skirt!
Senior Attorney
Although lately I have been wearing a lot more dresses and fewer skirts.
Anonymous
JCrew Factory has a similar one with matching blazer that seems to be a better work length.
MKB
Thanks for this – love their blazer!
NOLA
I wear Loft skirts and I’ve decided that, as long as my legs look good and are fit, I’m going for it and wearing shorter skirts. I just look frumpy in longer skirts. I’m lucky to be in a casual environment and that nobody is judging me for the length of my dress/skirt. Good thing because today I’m wearing the DKNY NFL logo dress and it’s really short!
Mom refuses to accept money
I’m the poster who recently sought for methods to send my money in Canada some money. Thanks to everyone for all the advice! I ended up giving my mom a signed check and told her to write however much she wants to deposit to her account. But she has consistently found excuse not to do it. I’ve been sending her texts every day the past week reminding her to deposit it. She keeps putting it off or saying that she forgot, and she also said she would only take a grand. Are there any ideas as to how I can make her deposit the money? She refuses to get Paypal or anything similar. Sounds like it might be best to just wire the money despite the high transaction fees?
Anonymous
I don’t know the backstory here, but you’ll probably be more successful at getting her to use at least some if you set the amount. Leaving it on her to guess an amount is awkward at best. Taking money from someone else is hard enough without feeling like your potentially creating an even bigger imposition. If you won’t quantify an amount than at the least be very specific at what she should put it toward if that’s better for her situation (put this for a new roof or what have you). If you can frame in some way to make it seem less like charity, then that can also help. I know you contributed x to my schooling…
Equestrian Attorney
Agreed, this sounds awkward. Send her a cheque for whatever amount sounds reasonable to you/her. If she will only take a grand, send her a grand, and then send her more later if she really needs it. Sending a blank cheque is kind of the equivalent of those craigslist posts that say ‘make me on offer” – it shifts the awkwardness of setting an amount to the other person. And blank cheques aren’t a very safe practice – what if she mistakenly makes it 1M or something? What if someone else finds it? If she won’t cash it at all, ask her to destroy it.
Anonymous
You can’t make her take your money.
Anonymous
You sent her a blank check? I would stop payment on the check immediately in case someone else finds it and tries to deposit it.
She clearly does not want to take your money. There’s only so much you can do to parent your own parent. At some point you just have to let them do as they please.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is crazy. Do people not understand how checks work anymore? A signed blank check is an invite to *anyone* to fill in the check amount, and by signing, you’ve given them permission to do so.
Anon
I would assume it is not totally blank but made out to her mom w/ the amount blank. Arguably, only her mom should be able to deposit / cash it.
Anon
Yes, relax everyone, it was made out to her only.
AFT
Can you set an amount, and tie it to some particular expense? E.g., her rent/mortgage for next month. Not sure if you can wire directly to her account without her permission, but having a specific amount and if possible tying it to something concrete may help with the mom/psychological issues versus the transaction issues?
A.
I’m in a similar situation with my mom, who desperately needs money. When I give her money (even as a birthday or holiday gift), she waits and waits to cash the check and it forces me to cajole her into doing so. I got around that by starting to give her Visa or AmEx giftcards — even though they cost a few $$$ to purchase, it’s worth it to me to not have to keep reminding her. I also register them before I give them to her so they can be tracked if lost/stolen.
Anon
That’s a great idea! Thanks!
Paula Wilkison
FYI: TD Bank sells VISA gift cards to account holders with no service fee. I buy them all the time as gifts for my nephews.
Anon
I have a family member like this and I have started giving cashier’s checks. I make sure they understand the money has already been removed from my account and if they do not cash it/deposit it, it is the equivalent of throwing my money away. This has been effective.
Senior Attorney
That sounds like a good idea. Just put the cashier’s check in the mail to her.
Anonymous
If you’re going to mail it, confirm with the bank that if it is lost you can indeed stop payment on it. At one time, some banks were weird about that. They basically treated their cashier’s checks like money orders.
aBr
If you are willing to risk it, go to your bank and take out Canadian cash and put it in a card. I wouldn’t do it for more than a few hundred, but it makes it harder for her to turn down. Wells Fargo normally has pretty good rates. You can also use Amazon.ca to ship her stuff that she needs if she will not take cash. Loblaw and Thrifty’s will also deliver groceries. Signed, dealing with my grandma.
Anon
Super, thanks!
Anonymous
My house has redish asphalt shingles, beige siding, red window trim and red brick. We’ve painted the front door and the garage door black. The front porch has a white railing. It feels like way too many colors but I’m struggling with how to change it. I do like the front door color but open to painting. Ideally I’d keep the roof (less than 5 years old) and siding, possibly reface the brick, but not sure what colors to go with. I love blues and greys and whites but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for this house without a total rehaul.
Go for it
As I am of the lazy variety as well as possessed of a frugal bent, I would go with oversized planter/s near the door/walkway in one of the blues you love and fill with perennials. Again I’m lazy so want to only plant once!
Trixie
While you like the door color, the easiest refresh might be to paint the front door and the garage door a blue grey color, or a blue color. And I love the idea of planters–maybe you have them, or gardens, but pots and flowers add so much curb appeal, as do accessories like mailboxes, light fixtures porch swings, etc.
Anonymous
I’d paint the door and garage white
anon
Blues/grays/whites are not going to blend nicely without a total redo. I wouldn’t add a blue front door; I think that would only add to the color confusion. What about switching the porch railing to black to match the garage and the front door?
Alternatively, I would go the route of adding black planters and other accessories in black, like an oversized lantern. I like the idea of adding blue-ish flowers. If you ever switch your house colors, those accessories will still work.
In cases like this, I think you have to embrace what is, rather than coming up with a compromise solution that still won’t result in your desired look (cool tones).
Anonymous
In my opinion, the beige siding might be what makes the house feel a little out of date, so I googled “siding with red roof” and I’m seeing a lot of blue-gray siding. What if you painted the siding the blue-gray you want, and paint accents white to match your railing? White window trim, white or red front door, white and/or red garage door, and paint the bricks white.
Anonymous
Interesting! I had no idea that painting siding is a thing. Would that really work and not chip? How often does it have to be repainted? Blueish-grey siding and grey bricks even maybe with red front door?
Anonymous
What is the siding made of?
anon
I would not paint vinyl siding … that sounds like a nightmare in the making.
Anonymous
We painted the siding on our old house. Just use a high-quality outdoor paint and prep the area well. It was a pain and labor-intensive, but not hard.
Anon at 10:06
I haven’t done exterior painting myself (except my garage door), but I know it can be done; my old HOA required everyone to refresh their exterior paint a couple years before we sold our townhouse. I asked our handyman to look into it; he contracted painters for us, since we had a three-story unit. I would get a quote from a painting firm and then decide at that time if it’s something you want to pursue or hire out. A DIY home store like Home Depot could probably advise you about what you would need.
Anonymous
IDK the answer but go to Maria Killim’s blog and read all of her exterior color posts before you go making changes.
Anonymous
What about painting the brick to match the body of the house, the siding? You may not love the color but that will make the brick disappear. After that you can figure out what color to use as a consistent accent. White on all of the trim including the door frame but not the actual door will make your doors pop.
other options
You could also limewash the brick. Check out Romabio limewash. Also, go post a picture on the Houzz forums and you will get tons of feedback.
Secret Santa
My office does a secret santa every year. I want to be a team player but I’m also very strictly anti consumption (among a host of other environmentally friendly beliefs). Would it be okay to put out feelers that I’d like to recieve a toy that can be donated to the children’s hospital (they only accept new toys for sanitation reasons) or should I just not participate at all?
Go for it
Totally fine in my book. It’s a lovely idea.
Pompom
My DHs office actually does something like this. They do Secret Santa or yankee swap/dirty elf (whatever it is when you draw numbers, then steal the new gifts–not the one where you bring in old crap), but they do it with toys that they all ultimately donate. It’s a fun activity for the party, people get really into it, and everyone has fun reminiscing about their/kids’ favorite toys. This is a very low budget public sector party, so this is the highlight.
Anon
This is a sweet idea. My office takes a few children off the Salvation Army’s Angel Tree every year and we all pitch in and everyone brings in their gifts and we do a little show and tell over cupcakes one afternoon.
I highly suggest mentioning to the organizer that you’d like to consider making this year’s swap about children in need instead of adults in the office.
Worry about yourself
I like the toy idea. Would it also be possible/acceptable to request a donation in your name to the children’s hospital, or some other non-political charity like a homeless shelter if you wanted to give options?
Vicky Austin
Donations are not grinchy in the least. I think a new toy for the hospital is a lovely idea.
SustainabilityFashion
Our work decided to do a “giving tree” instead of Secret Santa, by partnering with a local women’s shelter organisation who provided labels with anonymous gift requests from the children they supported. It covered a variety of ages with suggestions from bath toys for little ones, books, games and even things like curling tongs and hair accessories for older kids.
If something like that isn’t possible, i think you are more than fine putting this idea out.
Aggie
This is what we do. The salvation army drops off the ornaments with each child’s request and we hang them in the break room bulletin board. Participation is voluntary, but last year we had to call and ask for more children to sponsor. The SA comes by a week before Christmas to pick up the presents and delivers them to each family.
So much better than our drunk elf wrap junk and booze exchange we did in previous years.
Flats Only
Definitely – tell the organizer. When I was running (the worlds most corrupt) Secret Santa, I would have thanked you, and made sure your name went to a time-strapped senior exec who would happy for the guidance. Plus his/her secretary would have been happy not to have to come up with a bunch of creative ideas when sent to buy the gift.
lsw
Please share stories of corrupt Secret Santa!
Flats Only
I would let people fish around in the jar of names until they got one they wanted. I would also, as described above, give certain people to certain other people. I was happy to discuss what a person might like, or tell someone who to talk to about a person’s preferences. Basically, but the end of it, people knew who all the Santas were except their own. It was always fun, and more important it was fun for me!
Anon
I would love to work in your office!
Daisy
Your plan is fine if part of participating is specifying what type of gift you would like to receive — you can request a toy, you don’t have to specify why. If there is no invitation to specify what you want, to go out of your way to do so seems high-maintenance. Just accept whatever is given to you and re-gift it — that way the cycle of consumerism is not perpetuated, you’re just passing on whatever you’re given.
Anon
Maybe set up a Toys for Tots this year instead of a secret Santa? Who needs another Starbucks mug anyway. I stopped participating in those years ago, same with white elephant or any other gag gifting nonsense.
Anon
My whole office does a Secret Santa where you give the person a toy that you think they would have liked as a child and then all of the toys get donated. It is fun and personal because people go out of their way to find gifts that reflect people’s adult personalities, but you don’t end up with a gag gift collecting dust that someone spent $20 on.
This last year I got a “making faces” play set where you use felt pieces to great faces reflecting different emotions. What ever could that mean? :P
Anon
That is such a fun idea!
Vicky Austin
That is smart, hilarious and wonderful. I might steal it.
lsw
I love this!
Senior Attorney
That is a great idea. Love it!
Anon
I love this idea so much.
Anna
I have a sweater that I always sweat more whenever I wear it (it’s a light sweater) and I just noticed its 100% acrylic. It fits me nicely, it looks good – any way to avoid either sweating more or the smell carrying (a little bit) more when I wear it?
Anonymous
No way to avoid the sweating caused by synthetics. You can wash the smell out with a sport detergent made for synthetic exercise clothes, but that won’t help with new smells that accrue while you are wearing it.
Panda Bear
Layer a short sleeved tee under the sweater, I suppose?
PolyD
I found acrylic to be so very hot – worse than wool or cashmere because it doesn’t breathe. And yeah, it gets stinky. Plus it develops “ghost stink,” which is my term for when you give it a sniff in the morning and it smells fine, but as the day wears on and you heat up, the stink comes through.
I’ll occasionally buy something that’s an acrylic blend but I usually wear a layer under it.
anon
Ha, ghost stink is the perfect description. Also describes my workout wear.
Anonymous
Sport detergent! I use it exclusively now on all my sythetic clothes. Not perfect for my older clothes, but they improve as I wash them more and hopefully newer clothes will avoid the same fate.
pugsnbourbon
Sport detergent is good – you can also add white vinegar to the washing machine for regular detergent. And stop using fabric softener – it leaves residue on clothes that traps odors.
Anon
Read Jolie Kerr. She has great advice on this exact topic.
Anonymous
I usually wear short sleeved tees under sweaters. Minimizes smells and preserves the sweaters longer because they don’t have to be washed as often.
Jordan
Check out Numi. It’s a brand that makes sweat resistant undershirts for women. It’s well worth the one time cost!
Anon
if someone is pregnant and gets put on bedrest for their last trimester and works in a field where they can’t really work from home, do they go on short term disability for 3 months, and then when they deliver get another 6-8 weeks of short term disability depending on how they deliver, but are basically not guaranteed a job back at the end of all of that?
Anonymous
Yes.unless your state has greater leave protections than the FMLA. But a company would be inviting a law suit to fire someone like this.
Anon
In my state, employers are prohibited from terminating someone due to pregnancy disability, so there would be a job guarantee in this situation, so long as the employee could perform the essential job functions with reasonable accommodation upon return to work.
Anon
It depends on state law. In some states, they have to protect your job for longer than 12 weeks. And a lot of companies wouldn’t fire someone in this situation even if they legally could.
Anonymous
Right — do they want to fire this person anyway? If so, this will just delay the inevitable. But if they don’t (or actively want to keep the person), they won’t. Not sure if you asking if this can prevent the inevitable (it can’t — they will go through some cursory review cycles or something, and document everything, but it will happen).
Anonymous
They probably will have to get someone in there to do the work in the meantime — is what you’re concerned about what if the new person is better liked when the formerly-pregnant person comes back. At that point, it matters if there is room for two people, who is better, and if you’re talking about a fungible employee in a high-turnover business (probably: keep both), a low-turnover business (less-liked person will be managed out at some point), any union seniority rules, any government hiring rules (e.g., school teachers), etc.
Anonanonanon
In my experience, if they’re covered by FMLA they still get their 12 weeks, but the clock starts with the bed rest so it’s less time home with the baby and they’re back at work the second post-birth STD is lifted. The other option is approved leave without pay arranged with the company.
Anonymous
Do you ever feel like you’re over something and then realize you’re kind of not? I realized today I might run into an old boss of mine soon (I’ll be participating in an event at a space he co-founded). And it’s really bringing up these frustrated, helpless feelings that I thought I was over.
When people talk about misogyny in tech, I think of working at this place. It was my first job out of college. I was a single mom of a 4 year old. I was a computer programmer. And I was, and am, a good programmer. I didn’t perform to my highest level there because I got zero support from my line manager. (This was a startup so the org was me — line manager — president). But I’m good at programming and I got a big project 90% of the way done. It frustrates me to look back and see my failure on this because I didn’t get it 100%.
There was p-rn on the computers. I was shamed for leaving at 4:30 (I would come in at 7:30) every day so I could pick up my son from daycare. The boys (my coworkers were almost all male, the only woman was in admin not tech) would have nerf fights, and play video games all day and stay until late evening “working” but I was shamed for leaving “early.” My line manager had scary anger issues and he and the other guys would regularly talk about how terrible their girlfriends were (over the cubicle walls, so I’m trying to code while they are talking about how dumb or mean their girlfriends are). And this is more nebulous, but there was such a hostile atmosphere there that I couldn’t really ask for help. Once I got to the 90% finished there was no way for me to get anyone to help me get it across the finish line so I just failed alone.
I didn’t last a year there, and I still feel bad about that.
This experience plus another weird startup situation is why I will never work for a startup again. Relying on personality rather than procedures, this whole “anything goes” attitude, the “play hard” aspect… all of this stuff is what I am so glad I left behind. On the other hand it makes me sad to still see this stuff in the news. Has anything changed?
Anyway, I might run into the president today. My creepy line manager has since risen through the ranks of the local police force. And I have a graduate degree and make more than 3x what I did 20 years ago. I’m successful by any measure. But it still hurts that it was so normal back then and it’s still normal now.
Anon
Yes, absolutely. I was harassed at work by a former manager. She hired me into my role at a government agency and then left to work on a big project that my government agency oversees. When she left, I was promoted into her role and was then assigned to work on the oversight of the project that she moved on to as a consultant. She was infuriated that someone who was once her direct report was now in a position to approve her project, and she harassed me. She undermined me in meetings. She yelled at me in meetings. She made every single interaction a struggle. She spread gossip behind my back and made me seem like I was incompetent when I worked for her. She was let go from the consulting firm she moved to and the project because of this harassment. She moved onto another consulting firm and she sometimes works on other projects that require my agency’s oversight. I try to avoid being the person assigned to those projects but sometimes I run into her unexpectedly and get very panicked and anxious. She unexpectedly came back to my workplace (her former workplace) to visit, and I almost had a panic attack. I don’t know what to say, other than sometimes experiences really affect you emotionally. Even when you are rationally over them, it takes a lot longer for the subconscious aspects of the hurt to fully resolve.
Flats Only
You have PTSD. Not shame in that. I had a similar experience early in my career. Seek therapy if you’re getting triggered all the time and it’s making life hard. For a one time thing like this I just insisted that I could not help out at an event when I saw the persons name on the attendee list.
Anon
I would just flat out ignore him. But if someone you know is talking to him, I would also not shy away from speaking to that person and pulling that person away from your ex-boss. The best revenge is doing well and letting others affect your happiness. If he tries to talk to you, I would say something like good for you and move on.
How Long
Yes, and it’s awful. My ex husband left me 2 years ago for another woman. They’re still together and have moved out of state, so I’ll never see them again. I’ve sold the marital home (for a profit!), gotten a new amazing job, moved in with my wonderful boyfriend. I won’t think about my ex for weeks really and then something reminds me of him and I just get so sad. There’s no universe where I want to be with him, but the memories of that time still affect me deeply. I wish I had advice, but I can give heaps of commiseration.
anon
Yes, I understand. I feel that way about an in-home daycare provider that was a terrible fit for my son. She dumped us about a week into the whole thing, so it’s not like we had a long and lasting relationship with her, but it gives me chills to think about what could’ve happened if we’d kept sending our kid there. Because she clearly didn’t like him, didn’t know how to deal with him, and wasn’t experienced enough to have a good structure set up yet. She got rid of us in a really painful, humiliating way and ended up in a screaming match between our husbands (can’t even tell you how out of character this is for my DH). She lives only a block away from me, and I still feel anger and discomfort when I walk by her house. And, I’m sure part of it is still being angry with myself for choosing her as a provider and talking my husband into using an in-home daycare when we’d always vowed not to. She probably did us a favor in the long run, but I still feel terrible about putting my trust in her.
Anon
I could have written almost exactly this, except it was a nanny and I don’t ever have to see her again. I can’t imagine having her as a neighbor, yikes.
Anon
Ugh same. I always had reservations about the in-home provider but my husband, mom, and in-laws thought she was great. We learned she was telling my son he was “a bad boy” right before we pulled him and after the fact I found out she had been spanking him. She lives in our neighborhood and I intentionally will not walk or drive by her house.
Anon
Oh no…I’m so sorry to hear that.
lsw
YES. We were harassed by a neighbor to a very scary degree and it’s certainly part of why we sold my beloved house. I still flinch when I think I see her car, although I’ve heard they moved out of the country.
Anon
Yes. I had a close friend who dumped me, basically ghosted me, years before that was even a term. So long ago I’m kind of embarrassed that it still bugs me, but it does. We were super good friends, we reliably hung out every weekend, we never had a fight and suddenly, nothing.
I think it’s the fact that I never got closure. If she had said “it’s this thing you did and I don’t want to be friends anymore because of it” then I could either feel bad about that thing (and apologize) or think she was being ridiculous and move on. But I don’t know and it drives me nuts.
Weirdly, she sent a baby gift when my husband and I had our first child years later. But no note. I wrote a thank you and asked her to call or get together, but no reply.
The uncomfortable thing is that I see her on social media. We aren’t friends on social media but we have friends in common, and I just get a sinking feeling when I see anything about her. It’s not so much that I miss the friendship at this point, I have lots of friends, but I feel kind of guilty and weird knowing that she hates me so much, and I also wonder what crap she’s talking about me. I have found myself avoiding events that I think she might attend because I don’t want to go somewhere that someone is avoiding even saying hello to me.
I feel like for most of us, it’s the stuff where we didn’t get any closure that haunts us.
Anon
OT but why didn’t you ask her? I think of ghosting as done by someone you don’t know that well and I agree it would be weird to call out a guy you’ve gone on two dates with who stops texting you, but if a long time friend suddenly stopped answering my calls or emails I would definitely say “hey, what’s going on?” I mean, in the absence of any evidence she was mad at me, I’d be worried something had happened to her or a close family member.
Anon
I have asked her a million times. By text and voicemail. By the US postal service. Every way I could think of to reach her. No answer. This is what I mean by ghosted.
Anon
I have a male friend who did that to me. Calls, emails, etc., all unanswered.
Eventually, I just let it go. Figured it had something to do with his wife – a woman who thought that men shouldn’t have woman friends.
Anonymous
Yes. I had a bad experience at my former law firm with the partner I worked for. All the terrible things you hear about law firm partners doing, he did. Plus, shortly into my time there (I think about 2 months) he announced he was filing for divorce, so that only added to the wonderful work environment (sarcasm). There were no other people in the firm doing the work we did, so I had no buffer. I was in therapy, on meds for sleep and anxiety and lived in fear that I had missed a comma somewhere or hadn’t understood a comment correctly and was going to be called a “stupid idiot.” The building where my former firm is located is next to where I work now, and the former building has a number of lunch and coffee places in it, so there’s always a chance that I could run into him there.
The one time I did see him there, my heart stopped for what felt like a really long time. Currently, I’m at a more prestigious firm, in a different practice area, doing work I like with people who are great co workers and making a ton more money. I’ve been at the new place for multiple years now. I should be completely over it, and I’ll forget about it for weeks or months and then something will remind me and bam, just like that, I’m back in his office getting yelled at. The kind of twisted part of the whole thing is that I don’t think he would really recognize or remember me, not because I look different now or something, but because he thought so very little of me that I doubt I’ve registered on his radar for even a minute after I left his office for the last time.
Window Treatments
What type of window treatment do you have over your sliding glass patio door? I have curtains up right now, but I’m open to other options that are not vertical blinds.
Ms B
Curtains now on one (Company Store), old vertical blinds on the other. I despise both situations so much that I plan to replace the sliders with french doors with blinds in the window when we redo our patio.
Anon
I have curtains over this kind of door.
Original Moonstone
We did some unusual curtains that are woven bamboo, which I thought was a nice look between the patio and sunroom. I can’t remember where I bought them but they look like this. https://www.vermontcountrystore.com/woven-bamboo-ring-top-panel/product/81054?&adpos=1o1&scid=scplp180269&sc_intid=180269&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid%20search&utm_campaign=SC%20Shopping%20-%20New%20Customer%20-%20Desktop%2FTablet%20-%20Non-Brand&sourceid=7SCNBDTN
Window Treatments
Something like this could work. Thanks for sharing.
Original Moonstone
You are welcome! The open weave lets in some light but still feels private, which is important because I sit in the sunroom in my jammies.
Vicky Austin
The last thing I need is another skirt, but this one is just so pretty…
Feeling Old
Has anyone successfully gotten rid of age spots? Hoping for something non procedural, but if you found it took lasers or something would be curious to hear more details (are there different options? Rough cost?). Thanks!
Housecounsel
This is a frustrating problem. I had multiple IPL sessions to get rid of a burn scar. The scar is gone, but I think my age spots are worse. I had two laser sessions that didn’t work. I am now using a Vitamin C serum (ZO brand, same guy as Obagi line) in the morning and Retin-A at night, and I am actually starting to see progress. Sunscreen ALL the time.
BeenThatGuy
I also had IPL and had great success removing dark spots (6 sessions). That said, they come right back when you are exposed to the sun. Maybe lighter, but still there.
Anon
I had two IPL sessions for age spots and feel like it made other age spots appear. I doubted myself a bit because I thought maybe I was looking at myself under a microscope and imagining it, but then I read some skin types can in fact have that affect from the laser (similarly how some can get spots from laser hair removal).
Senior Attorney
I did IPL and it was VERY VERY painful! They did numbing cream but it didn’t really work, and I found out later there is “the numbing cream,” and then there is “the good numbing cream.” So ask about taht. And as BeenThatGuy says, you have to stay out of the sun or they come right back. My hands look better but not spot-free.
Ms B
I had the “brown laser” done on my full face for $350 three years ago. The primary spot that I went in for is starting to come back now, but more faintly, so I feel like I got my money’s worth. I plan to do another round over the winter to deal with that spot again plus a couple spots near my eyes.
Agree with Housecounsel on the sunscreen plus regular retinoids and vitamins A and C. They definitely improve overall tone and brightness, which I think makes the spots less noticeable.
Feeling Old
Thanks for the responses so far (keep em coming if anyone has more!). The feedback on the lasering is helpful. It costs in the $1,000s right? (I’m in a HCOL). I think that would make me think twice if it is likely to come back (I’m pretty diligent about daily sunscreen but obviously some sun at some times creeps in I’m sure). The pain is something to think about. I lasered my bikini line years ago I’m assuming it’s like that? But probably freakier because it’s your face? Hadn’t thought about it. Hoping for a magic cream, ha.
anne-on
I did lasers for the mask of pregnancy marks. A series of 6 or so cost me roughly $1200? I am sure you can get a deal to do it for less than that (or you may not need 6) if you do it at a medispa vs. dermatologist but I prefer a dermatologist for facial stuff.
Anonymous
Is it melasma? If yes, then a series of professional peels will help. Melabright is the best peel on the market for that. Do NOT do IPL. IPL is not a laser, it works wonders, but your results will only last 4-5 weeks, and after that the spots gradually reappear.
Feeling Old
Hmm, learning new things here. Looked up Melasma. I don’t think that’s my biggest problem although I feel like I might have that in some spots. Mostly I just have one big “age” spot on my jawline that bugs me. Also, didn’t realize IPL wasn’t lasering. So are there two different things I could do, IPL or lasering? Or is laser not a thing for this, that’s just what people casually refer to IPL as? Or is that what a brown laser is? Are there other types of lasers than a brown laser?
I should add I use Skin Ceuticals CE Feurilic every morning and have for years, but unfortunately started after my prominent age spot that bugs me showed up. It has not reduced that spot to my knowledge, but I use it in hopes that it is preventing new ones.
Anon
This is where I go for laser
http://diablolaser.com/lasers/candela-alexlazr/
I get the candela v beam because my issue is redness (broken capillaries) but the specific laser I linked to is for brown spots and tattoo removal.
I agree IPL is not laser and will not permanently help you the way a real laser will.
You can also see prices on this website. You’re probably not in the Bay Area but that should give you a framework for what you should pay.
If at all possible, have this done by a dermatologist or a real laser specialty center like the one I use (a referral from my derm.) Do not go to a “medi-spa” if you can avoid it.
Ms B
I go to a cosmetic specialist derm who offices with my medical derm (and sometimes am able to do both appointments on a single day because the cosmetic items are not covered by insurance). It is worth it to me to work with a professional who knows what she is doing and seems to be direct about what will and will not work for me (and open about what she has done herself).
Feeling Old
Thanks! I actually am in the Bay Area :) so this is helpful.
anon
I have brown spots from sun (like, serious ones). I tried a lot of things – vit c, etc etc but the thing that has worked best for me is la roche posay Pigmentclar. I would give it a try before expensive lasers. The spots fade in about a month, my skin looks better generally, but i do have to be really careful about sunscreen because it seems like the spots come back.
Anon
Thanks! I think I’m going to try this first and see how it goes.
Anonymous
Hydraquinone. PCA has a great products, the Pigment Gel, there is one with and one without Hydraquinone. You want one with. Also, I suggest going to a medspa or cosmetic (cosmetic leaning) dermatologist. They will be able to tell you what you need, and most Medspas do a free consultation.
Anonymous
I need to put a basket together for a silent auction. Any idea for items to put in the basket? I’d like to spend about $75.
Housecounsel
I did a fall-themed one once, with seasonal craft beers. That went over pretty well. Baskets with swag for a local pro sports team usually generate some good bids, too.
Clementine
The most successful gift baskets at the silent auction at my kid’s school are baskets of wine/beer/cider. Like, people want something they’ll use, none of us need more ‘stuff’.
I would literally buy 5 bottles of $10-12 wine, a couple bags of snacks, and a pair of (Home Goods) fun wine glasses. Alternately, somebody did a more fall themed one with some red wine, mulling spices, a gift certificate for apple picking (about $15 around here), two mugs, some hard ciders from the local orchard, soup mix, and crackers.
Anon
Our little community seems to constantly be doing baskets for fundraisers. Here are some fun ones I’ve seen lately:
– wine themed – a couple bottles, a corkscrew, a stopper, tea towels, and a GC to a cheese shop
– gardening themed – a GC to a nursery, new tools, seeds or bulbs, a tea towel, maybe a Tervis, note cards
Other themes – nautical, Star Wars, Harley Davidson
Daisy
Coffee — everyone loves coffee! Don’t do mugs, everyone has tons of those. I’d do a few nice bags of coffee, maybe a couple nice travel tumblers (could be themed to whatever the event is), and perhaps some fun flavorings or additions, and maybe some coffee-adjacent treats like cookies or scones.
Anon
I don’t love coffee so I’m going to suggest a tea basket.
Gourmet whole leaf tea (I like Earl Grey)
A tea leaf strainer
A ceramic tea pot
A gorgeous china cup and saucer or a nice mug
Local honey
A honey drizzler stick
A linen napkin
I would bid high AF on something like this.
anon.
I agree with the poster above that a seasonal basket usually works well. If it’s for this fall or winter, some kind of blanket (West Elm has some chenille throws that are under $40), fancy hot chocolate, and two cute mugs. Kind of a “fall date night in!” idea. Can be modified for families by taking out the blanket and adding a board game or something.
Flats Only
Irish Basket o’ Cheer: Baileys, Jamiesons, Guinness cans 4 pack, some glasses ( logo pint glasses for a normal fundraiser, Waterford highballs for a high-dollar fundraiser). You can order all sorts of green “Irish” tchotchkes from Oriental Trading to fill it out.
anon a mouse
A couple of theme ideas:
Kids movie night – a couple of DVDs (do people even use DVDs anymore?), tubs of movie popcorn, theater-size snacks (milk duds and hot tamales for example), a blanket for snuggling
Snow day – a puzzle, fancy hot cocoa mix, snowball maker and snowman accessory kit, puffy waterproof mittens/earbands (and maybe a jar of fancy tomato soup)
Anon
Oh my gosh, the snow day one is so cute!
Senior Attorney
I’ve seen a similar snow one: fluffy white throw/blanket, cocoa mix, peppermint flavored liquor (maybe vodka?).
Anon
A bottle of bourbon, rocks glasses, and those cubes you freeze that don’t water down your drink.
PolyD
Plus some fancy bitters – there’s a brand called Scrappy Something or other that sells a box of 4 mini size bottles in fancy flavors.
Anon
That’s a good idea. Or maybe some of those fancy small bottles for Manhattans or such.
Anon
Ack, posted too soon: the bitters are a good idea, but my one hesitation is that you shouldn’t get mediocre bourbon to make up for the other carp in the box. $50 is about right for a nice bottle of bourbon, leaving $25 for the other stuff. You want people to bid more than $75 for the basket; otherwise, you should have just donated the $75 to the org. It’s hard, at least for me, to spend $125 on a “meh” bottle of bourbon and ‘lots of other cute things,’ whereas I might spend $125 on a bottle of Angel’s Envy with a few other things thrown in.
Lobbyist
Fancy olive oil, different kinds of vinegars
Pastas and pasta sauce
Dried fruits and nuts and chocolates
Breakfast items: oatmeal, fancy granola, scone mix, muffin mix
Baking supplies: cookie sheet, measuring cups and spoons, ingredients for choc chip cookies
Lobbyist
Fancy olive oils and vinegars
Dried fruit, nuts, chocolate
Pasta and pasta sauce and maybe in a big kettle to boil pasta in
Cookie sheet, measuring cups and spoons, ingredients for choc chip cookies
Ms B
Margarita box – Decent bottles of tequila and triple sec, margarita mixes, margarita salt, fancy chips and salsa, and hot sauces.
Tea box – Teapot, tea cozy, infuser spoon or ball, fancy teas, honey, tea scented kitchen soap. Homegoods is great for this kind of stuff.
I pick up baskets on clearance at Michael’s every now and then just to have them on hand for this kind of thing.
other options
I’ve done a STEM basket with great success. I put in a quad-copter drone, a book on creating “mini-weapons of mass destruction,” Minecraft legos, and a Google cardboard viewer.
Anonymous
Can you get anything donated (or maybe you have some gift cards lingering in a drawer that you’re not going to use)? Because I think people are pretty savvy about what a basket is “worth” and if you spend $75 to get an $80 bid it’s not the best use of your time and resources. Once you have your donated item, you can design a basket around that. At my kids’ school, we got a local store to sell us a big tote at cost – we thanked them in the item description — and used that as the “basket” with a beach theme. If you’re expecting people to just throw money at the item regardless of value, I agree that booze is the best option.
DLC
We’ve had to put together a couple for our kid’s school and the most popular one with adults has been a “beer and board games” themed one.
Rainbow Hair
A good one I saw recently was a growler from a local brewery + a gift certificate to get it filled. You could do two or three of those — a bar hopping basket! — especially if you could get the breweries to give the gift certificates for free to support the cause.
Anon
I’m in one of those seasons in life where I need a new wardrobe – my items are tired, don’t fit well, a little dated, etc. Where would you go for sort of a classic New England prep vibe at a reasonable price (or at least reasonable on sale ;))? I’m late 30s, a size 14 hourglass – Boden and Brooks Brothers don’t even begin to fit my curves, and I have a hard time sorting through the fashiony stuff at J.Crew to get to whatever staples they might sell.
Housecounsel
Talbots?
Flats Only
Yup – Talbots. Preppy, but not painfully so, and many cuts and fits to accommodate curves.
Anonymous
Also, Gretchen Scott (they go up pretty far in sizing) or check out Halsbrook for ideas (not sure re sizing — it reads as preppy to me).
I know a lot of women in the SEUS who are preppy and >size 12 and they always look sharp. They don’t work though and I have no idea where they shop (similar aged kids, so I see them at kid activities). I have spotted a few Lands End items on one and some of their items are quite good. I suspect they they get things tailored in all events. They wear good shoes,too. It helps the whole outfit work (true regardless of size). And sharp jewelry / accessories.
Anonymous
JCrew Factory.
Anon
Yes, and maybe Brooks Brothers Outlet, Ann Taylor Factory (seems more classic than the store), Ralph Lauren, etc.
If you’re actually in New England, take a trip to Wrentham.
Anonymous
For a total overhaul, I’d get a personal shopper at Nordstrom. Be clear about your budget up front.
Junie
Banana Republic?
anon
Polo Ralph Lauren (I’m thinking the outlet- to mid-range level of Ralph Lauren, not the designer line.)
Digby
My style is probably New England prep. I get jackets from Talbots, skirts from them or Ann Taylor (which makes some skirts in a curvy cut), and dresses from J McLaughlin (either at their sales or on Poshmark).
Anonymous
No matter where you buy your clothes, do not underestimate the power of a good tailor. For example, tapering the side seams of a pencil skirt or sheath dress can take the look from boxy and frumpy to sleek and polished.
Anon
Thanks for these suggestions so far, all. What if I took away the reasonable price limitation – what stores would you recommend then?
Anonymous
Not sure, but what about brands at Macys? They carry Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, and several in-house brands that work.
anon a mouse
I’m surprised you say Boden doesn’t work for you – I’m your size and probably 70% of my wardrobe is from there, though I look carefully at the shape of the dresses and pants and I return as much as I keep. I’ve also had good luck with Banana Republic but usually have to go up a size. If you remove price, check out Boss as well.
Anon
Are there certain items from Boden that work for you? The “Ashley” dress or whatever? I’ll gladly take specific recs!
anon a mouse
The Honor dress is my holy grail. I have it in 3 colors (and 2 coworkers have it as well). I have had good luck with the ponte and ottoman knits – their wovens aren’t as forgiving. Unfortunately it doesn’t always say if fabric is knit or woven, hence the returning. I also like the Aida, the Jessica, the Irene and the Josephine. I look for dresses with a defined waist and no front pockets – on-seam are okay but I can never get front pockets to look right.
I’ve also had great luck with the Richmond pants – both full-length and the 7/8 length. They are very comfortable and flattering for my pear-shaped lower half and large thighs.
Boden posts the actual garment measurements on their site and I recommend measuring something you like the fit of, then comparing to the Boden measurements. It also may change garment to garment – don’t be hung up on the size number!
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
+1 on the Boden! I’m a 14 hourglass and every one of their dresses has looked great on me!
I love the Honor Dress, the Elsa Ottoman dress, and a couple others, but those are the only two that I know the names on. I would also check out Maggy London, Ralph Lauren, and Karen Kane (the wrap dress!).
Seafinch
Same here. An extreme hour glass with a 32HH bust and equally wide hips, but small waist. I love Boden. But it certainly does not universally work. The ottoman stuff (Elsa dress) is great. Blazers are great. I have some seamed stuff but have to alter it heavily.
anon
I’m a 10/12, more pear than hourglass, and my favorite preppy items are from Boden and Banana Republic Factory. I don’t know why, but the Factory version fits me better than regular BR. I think it may be cut longer, or something. I also have good stuff from Ann Taylor but I found the styles online, not in the store.
Anonymous
I’m 5’4 and the Banana Republic Factory blazers/jackets fit me way better than the ones from the regular store.
Ms B
All the Nina McLemore, plus Doncaster.
DW
I love the simplicity of Lafayette 148. Not exactly ‘prep’ but sophisticated, simple, classic. If you buy it at Neimans or Saks it is $$$ but I often find great pieces at Nordstrom Rack.
Anonymous
If you remove the $ limitations, Veronica Beard just added a better range of sizes, and the Lafayette 148 website also has a good range of sizes.
Anon
Happy Friday all! Does anyone have suggestions on how to instill more of a problem solving mindset on your teams? I’m trying to work with a direct report to propose solutions rather than just handing off problems for me to solve. Thanks!
Anonymous
“What is your recommendation for proceeding?” or “Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Please work on some possible solutions to discuss at our next meeting.”
However, I really think being upfront is best. “It is great that you identify problems. But in your role, we also want you to analyze and propose solutions. Of course, I’m always here for guidance and discussion, but it’s time for you to grow in your role as a problem solver.”
Anon
I confess that I have been guilty of bringing problems without solutions when I was afraid I’d look stupid to my boss. (A combo of insecurity + being new-ish in the field + intimidated by boss’ impressive resume.) “Hey, don’t be afraid to toss out ideas – I bet you have some good ones” can go a long way with certain employees.
anon a mouse
Early in my career, a manager had a policy of “don’t bring me a problem without a possible solution.” We weren’t expected to be able to implement it or know all the pieces, but we needed to identify possibilities. I’m forever thankful to that manager — sometimes in the course of just sketching out the problem, you think of solutions that aren’t clear at first. Also it helps more junior staffers think cross-functionally.
CHL
I’ll sometimes say “I have some thoughts on that but I’d like to hear what you think first.” Then usually what they say is pretty good.
Anon
Tell him that directly!
anon
Tell your report directly. He/she may not even know that’s an expectation. Do you do periodic 1 on 1s so your reports have constant feedback other than the annual review?
Rainbow Hair
Someone told me in my first weeks at Big Law, “never present a problem without offering two solutions.” So it would be “Dear Senior Associate, I am not sure what to do on ABC. I could XYZ, or 123. What do you recommend?” If one of those is a good idea, yay, Senior doesn’t have to do anything more than say “pls XYZ.” If they’re both bad ideas, she can step in and prevent me from going further astray.
Another boss once told me “The worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Anonymous
Yeah, I really think part of OP’s job is to mold these folks into problem solvers. And she can’t do that without first telling them that it is an expectation. It doesn’t have to be negative at all – just part of her role as a mentor to her direct reports. “Hey, you’re doing great identifying these issues before they become huge problems. We’re so appreciative of that. But we also know you’re in a great position to offer solutions and would like you to step up your efforts there. Thanks for all you do!”
anon
Any recs for hotels in Napa? My no. 1 criterion is a great breakfast buffet.
TIA!
Anon
It’s not a buffet but Carneros Resort has an amazing restaurant, Boon Fly Cafe. Honestly, Napa has so many amazing restaurants I think it’s a waste to eat at a generic hotel breakfast buffet, but that’s just my opinion.
The original Scarlett
+1 – breakfast buffets and buffets in general aren’t really a Napa thing. My favorite hotel inhe area is Indian Springs in Calistoga, and second the Carneros Inn recommendation.
Anon
I was going to say the same. I went to Carneros Inn for my honeymoon and it was AMAZING.
Equestrian Attorney
No recs, but is there such a thing as a great breakfast buffet? I am not a buffet fan at all, and almost never eat at buffet places because to me that’s blah and lukewarm food. Am I missing out on something?
anon
OP here, I feel like they are easier to find in European hotels, not sure why that is.
Anon
Oh you just want a Euro style buffet? I assumed you wanted American-style buffet with hot food like eggs. Good continental breakfast is easier to find. I think there are quite a few Yountville hotels that give you Bouchon Bakery pastries in the morning. You could also just go to Bouchon Bakery.
anon
I generally think of “continental breakfast” and the buffets you get in Europe as different. European breakfast buffet in my experience often means a ton of excellent pastries, charcuterie, good cheeses, jams and honey, multiple kinds of well-made bread, good yogurt, fruit, smoked salmon, and hard- or soft-boiled eggs, plus espresso.
Anon
Not OP, but I have been to a few higher end buffets with food ranging from good to excellent. There’s a place called Cliff House in SF that has a champagne brunch buffet with nice food and a gorgeous ambiance. Some of the Vegas buffets are more upscale and trend towards individually-portioned food not bins of lukewarm mush. Wicked Spoon is my favorite in Vegas. But yeah in general a hotel breakfast buffet = bins of lukewarm eggs and soggy waffles.
Anonymous
Wequasset Resort in Chatham, MA has a phenomenal breakfast buffet. Just well done.
Anon
I loooove a good breakfast buffet and no, they are not always depressing Fairfield Inn style powdered egg affairs.
Basically you have to pay a lot for a hotel and then you get the good buffet. I would search for it on Trip Advisor (I never spend the night in Napa because it’s a day trip for me.)
ALX emily
When I stayed at the Vintage Inn in Yountville several years ago (I think it’s now called the Vintage Estate or something), it had an amazing breakfast buffet plus made to order waffles/omelets. Buffet-less hotel recommendations in Napa city are the Andaz and the Napa River Inn – the latter had the comfiest bed I’ve ever slept in, and “breakfast in bed” delivered to your room every morning.
Anon
My favorite breakfast in Napa is at the Hotel Yountville (amazing hotel, too!). Bardessono is also beautiful, though I can’t remember the breakfast situation.
Ms B
We like Petit Logis in Yountville and then walk next door to Bouchon Bakery if we want breakfast. Vintage 1870 is across the street and also has good options.
Anon at 11:51 – if you like Vegas buffets, I lurrrve the Sterling Brunch at Bally’s (for real), although Labo at the Bellagio (ordered apps and entrees, but dessert buffet) has its pluses. I remain in mourning for the brunch at MoZEN (now Zen Bistro), which has been modified and downgraded under the new Waldorf ownership.
Finding men in the wild
After not having success on dating apps and some bad dates as a result, a friend and I are interested in trying to meet guys in the wild (i.e., in person). The problem is that, despite having full and fun lives, we never interact with single men – everyone I work with is married, none of my friends have single straight male friends, all the people I hike with are women, I never interact with anyone at the gym and all the workout classes I do are filled with women, etc. Neither of us is outgoing, so I can’t see trying to start conversations with random men at bars.
So, my question for you all is where do I find single men in their 30s? Any types of activities or groups you would recommend? Ideas we have come up with so far are a kickball/softball league (but we worry everyone will be in their early 20s) and rock climbing.
Anonymous
Following this with interest as I am wondering the exact same thing!
Equestrian Attorney
I think rock climbing is a good idea – that’s a popular activity these days and seems to attract relatively normal guys. Unrelated, but I’m involved in local politics and there are a few good looking singles in our group + you know that you are starting off with somewhat common values, so worth a shot?
Go for it
Oh my, so very true. Thank you. watching with interest.
Junie
The place I’ve heard of women having the most success finding single men in their 30s is honestly church. The last-man-standing single men are wanting to be set up by the marrieds, and they may be more open to marriage because their friends are married.
Anonymous
Lol there ain’t even one single straight man at my church.
NOLA
Same – at least not my age!
Ellen
Same here. I always feel kind of creeped out when men with dirty teeth and bad breathe come up to me at the high holiday services and think they can get to date me b/c I am not married and they are not married and our parents are both members of the same temple and their parents know Grandma Trudy. That does NOT mean that I have to date them, tho they sure think otherwise. If they are gross and have bad breathe and dirty teeth, how could I ever even think of them naked, huffeing and puffeing on top of me? No way HOZE! No, this will NOT get you into the door with me. FOOEY!
Of Counsel
There are a bunch at mine so maybe some church shopping is in order? Urban churches tend to have a lot more than suburban ones. You could also try signing up for thinks like Sierra Club hikes/events.
Anonymous
Def rock climbing but also men hike! Join a hiking meetup.
Anonymous
I know a lot of people who have met playing kickball or other sports like that. At least in my city, there are tons of people in their 30s playing. There might be some teams with people in their early 20s, but the leagues I know of have more late 20s through mid 30s. My sister lives in a different city and her league is the same way (and she met multiple boyfriends and her fiance that way).
Senior Attorney
My husband is in a triathlon club and there are SO MANY MEN. And a lot of couples who met in the club. Alternatively, split up the sports — swimming, cycling, or running clubs should all have a lot of desirable men.
Also if you like ’em on the nerdy side, my son and his friends play Dungeons and Dragons and similar. Go to your local game store and find out where the tournaments are. They’re nerdy but they’re smart and nice and many of them even have good jobs!
And it skews older, but I met my husband at our local Rotary Club. How about volunteering for a cause you care about? Or join Rotary — if you don’t meet guys your age, you may well meet people who have sons your age!
anon a mouse
Yep. My sister runs triathlons and is surrounded by eligible men (she is spoken for, to one of them!). She also was in a running club that skewed male. If you like to hike, look for hikes set up by a local REI or outdoors store that might be more conducive to guys joining (as opposed to a hiking club).
anon
Yes, triathlon and cycling are target-rich environments if you’re a single hetero woman.
Anon
But the single male triathlete who’s not utterly self-centered is a rarity. Be wary. The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Senior Attorney
Boy, no kidding. That culture is not my fave. The serious ones are pretty d!ckish.
Senior Attorney
Honestly, try the gamers. They’re adorable.
Anon
I love that expression. My cousins from Alaska use it about the man situation up there.
anon
My favorite Alaskan dating saying: in Fairbanks, you don’t break up, you just lose your place in line.
Anon
That was the saying about the boys at MIT! (Although not really because it’s been very close to 50% female for years now). Guess it applies in lots of situations :)
Anon
I’m gonna naysay on the gamers. It’s easy to say they’re adorable nerds and are grateful for any female company, but truthfully there is so much misogyny in that community, I would be very cautious.
Senior Attorney
Yikes! Just to clarify, not talking about video games but RPG’s. You may be right, of course. All I know is the small sample of lads who have come to the house over the years…
Lana Del Raygun
I suspect the ones who come to your house are more carefully curated than a tournament organized by a local store.
all about eevee
Nooooooo, not the gamers. Ever heard of Gamergate? Google Zoe Quinn some time.
Anon
Agree running clubs are a sausage fest. My good work friend met her husband that way.
The original Scarlett
In my 30s, online dating wasn’t a thing so I tried all the “in the wild” strategies and frankly, they were all terrible and made me feel defeated more often than not. Things I did: went to church (didn’t work for me b/c I’m not religious and even though I did score a couple of dates that way, we were incompatible from the start), took classes of interest like wine tasting, cheese tasting, cooking classes (after the church debacle, figured I’d go for things that I liked, they were filled with women hoping to meet men, and there was usually one single guy in there, but it felt weird), got set up by everyone I knew ala Charlotte on SATC (no luck but who knows, this could work I think), went to coffee shops to read the paper on weekends, went to every party I got invited to, etc. Then online dating came along. Yes, it was frustrating and hard, but compared to the “in the wild stuff” it was a billion times less frustrating. Maybe I just had bad luck trying the IRL methods, but I think today the men who want to date and are interested in relationships are online and you have a better chance of finding someone there.
anon
+1 to all of this (online dating became a thing in my mid-30s). I tried most of the strategies Scarlett mentioned and just had no luck. I will say doing something like a triathlon club would never work for me because i’m not remotely athletic and I’d probably be found out for what I was trying to do (not to mention be miserable in the process). Ultimately online dating did work for me (met my DH on bumble a few years back) but it took a lot of work and effort. The problem with the IRL method, from what I can tell, is that many/most of those men are still not single, so you have the problem of the smaller pool. I do think blind dates/setups can be useful, though, so maybe you could meet people through the IRL activities who have friends they can set you up with? idk, it’s so hard. I would just say be persistent and don’t give up!
Is it Friday yet?
“The problem with the IRL method, from what I can tell, is that many/most of those men are still not single”
This has also been my experience. I started rock climbing last year (because I wanted to climb, but I thought maybe meeting guys would be a fringe benefit), and while there are generally great, normal dudes there, they are either super young or already in relationships. The one guy at my gym I did date, I met online – and now its super awkward whenever I run into him. :/
Anonymous
If you are close with your coworkers (i.e., you socialize with them), I would ask them to set you up with someone and/or bring you to social events where there may be single male friends. I am married, but have a number of single male friends. I never proactively offer to set anyone up, but if someone mentions they are single and looking to be set up, I am happy to do so.
Similarly, have you thought about asking non-local friends to introduce you to other friends they have in their city or to single men they know in your city? For example, I live in NYC, but have a lot of friends in Chicago. If a friend in Chicago asked, I would be happy to introduce them to (a) single guys I know in Chicago and (b) other friends I have in Chicago, to help expand their social network a bit so it may start encompassing more single men.
I would also look into local hiking groups – you mention you hike with women, but in a lot of cities, there are organizations that run hiking trips that are co-ed. There are also other outdoorsy type groups – they will run ski trips, camping trips, etc.
Recreational sports are a good idea, depending on the city, but I find they tend to run a little younger – more late 20s than early 30s.
If you like to workout, you could consider adding an activity 1-2x a week that is co-ed and has a big community that socializes together – something like Crossfit.
Abby
I used to do crossfit and it’s at least 60% men. I used to hear my guy friends complain about the lack of single women in the classes. It’s a hard workout and a little expensive, but if you’re already doing group workout classes, I bet the cost is similar.
Anon
Volunteer groups
Political groups
Running clubs, biking clubs
If they have them in your city, board game bars
Alumni activities with your college alma mater
Church, as mentioned above
…and, I swear it works, blogs/webs-tes with active comment sections (so long as not all-female). I know three couples who got married or are engaged after meeting on one political blog.
anon a mouse
OH if you are into politics at all, volunteer! Your local candidate or party needs help, either phone banking or stuffing envelopes or putting up yard signs — and then as the day gets closer, actually door-knocking. It’s a great way to meet people.
Blue Moon
+1 from the person who is happily married to someone she met on a political campaign!
Anon
Adult ed classes? Anything tech-related especially is likely to lean male. Despite the stereotypes, a lot of straight men do community theater.
Anon
Golf? Professional groups for your profession. The next one is a little ethically gray but I have a few friends that created connections with guys in relationships, nothing physical, no cheating but just flirting/hanging out. When those guys ended up single, there was already a friendship there that turned into a relationship. So don’t be the other woman but be an … option. Lots of people don’t leave bad relationships until they see a potential better opportunity.
Anonymous
I have dated two men I met playing co-Ed volleyball, and one I met in the gym in a spin class. Married one of the volleyballers. I am not that athletic, but could hold my own. Also tried touch football—I was horrid, and it wasn’t a good fit.
Flats Only
Regardless of what activities you take up to meet people, you might want to think about what “not outgoing” means. This is an assumption, but it made me think you are someone who avoids eye contact, doesn’t smile when smiled at, answers direct questions with one word answers. If that’s the case you’ll have trouble getting to know men (or anyone), regardless of the surroundings. There’s a whole lot of difference between answering the guy next to you at the bar who says “you a Mets fan?” with “Yes.” vs. “Yeah, my dad was and I grew up watching the team. I just love so-and-so player….”, all of which gives an opening for further conversation. At the hiking club, “Have you taken this trail before?” – The answer should be “No, and I’m really curious to see XXXX” not “No.”
I say this as a horrible smug married, but when I was dating in the wild, before the apps existed, a natural tendency to make eye contact and smile got me a lot of attention, which meant I had a lot of choices. I was no super model, just open and friendly, which men like.
In conclusion, it’s not so much where you meet the men, but whether or not you seem pleasant and approachable that makes all the difference.
Anon
Not OP but I would interpret “not outgoing” to mean she’s not great at initiating a conversation. Giving one word answers to direct questions and not smiling when smiled at is almost rude or actively standoffish. Fwiw, I regularly describe myself as not outgoing, but I would totally be friendly to someone who spoke to me and endeavor to keep the conversation going if I was interested in getting to know them better.
Finding men in the wild
This is me. I can carry on a conversation if the other person initiates it and can help carry it on. But I’m horrible at starting conversations, or continuing them if the other person only gives one word answers, doesn’t ask follow up questions, etc.
Eye contact and smiling are not a problem.
Anon
Triathalons. Seriously – the events are full of men.
Worry about yourself
Honestly? I met my boyfriend through friends. I was having a rough time, asked a friend what he and his wife were doing that weekend – I loved hanging out with these two and knew it would help me out of my funk to chill with them – and he was like “oh yeah we’ll be hanging at this house on Saturday, why don’t you join us?” and I’d been to that house, I figured I’d see people I knew but was actually not in the mood to meet anyone that day, but as we were settling in to watch a movie, this guy came downstairs to join us, and he and I just started riffing off each other through a lot of the movie, making nerdy jokes and references. After the movie he asked if I wanted to get a drink at the bar across the street and the rest is history. He was 34 at the time, and single.
I realize that may not be helpful if you’re looking to meet someone on purpose, but the point of the story is you can meet some great people in group social situations when you least expect it. So accept the crap out of those party invitations this fall! And if they’re not rolling in, host your own and encourage people to bring friends.
I’ve also dated a couple of decent dudes I met via swing dancing, but didn’t really get into a long-term situation with either dude, and it’s frowned upon to treat the dance like a singles’ mixer. But dance anyway, it’s fun!
Texan In Exile
If you’re willing to take a used model, local alumni groups can be a good place. And I met my used husband at our 20-year college reunion. That’s about when they start to recycle.
Dahlia
My best luck over the years has been meeting men at the traditional places- bars and the gym.
At the gym, I agree, most people are in their zone and just want to work out and not be bothered. However, when I was single I would chat with people in the smoothie line when I’m getting my post-gym smoothie, and make eye contact and smile at men I found attractive, and I find that interested men will initiate interactions. Remember that no one else wants to disturb your workout either so you have to give them an easy in- smile and seem receptive. And don’t hide away in women-only zones unless its because you want to be left alone (that’s how it will be read).
The bar in my opinion remains the easiest because its where people traditionally go to meet men/women, so there is an expectation of being approached. Smile at men you find attractive. Sit at the bar. Chat with the bartender. Go with one or two other women, not a huge intimidating pack. Comment on the sports on the TV or on the music. You don’t have to initiate interactions, but try to make it easy for men to. If a guy approaches you, chat with him even if you aren’t instantly attracted to him. You never know what could come of it. I met my husband at a bar. He walked in and I thought “man, that guy in the grey suit is hot,” he looked, I smiled, and he ended up coming over and asking if he could join my friend and I for dessert or a drink and.. the rest is history:)
Anonymous
I think this comes up on this board sometimes so I was wondering if people have thoughts — if you find yourself getting more germophobic as the years go by, how would you deal with it (to put a stop to it) WITHOUT yet resorting to therapy/meds etc. I mentioned it to my PCP (and to another dr I know who but he isn’t my dr.) and both said the same — these are tendencies that are very common in 25-45 year old urban professional women and you may try to deal with them yourself first to see if that works because what I’m describing is more like habits that can be broken. The PCP says she tends to recommend anxiety treatment etc. when people tell her they are actively avoiding situations — so they won’t go out with friends because they’d have to hug/kiss hello; they cringe at the idea of planes/subways/NYC cabs or altogether avoid them because so many people have been in them etc; or they tell her their whole day/entire plans were ruined by something — like someone walked around their home with shoes on so they spent hours after vacuuming, mopping etc.
So I’m not someone who is wiping down airplane seats or wearing masks on planes (not criticizing — I know there are people who have to for health reasons), but in daily life I’m seeing it. It’s washing my hands 3 times instead of just once after the bathroom. It’s spraying down my door handle at home once/wk. Feeling like I MUST wash hands if I touch the ground (in my home), refusing to touch the ground in public even if that means the $1 that I dropped there is left there etc.
Any thoughts on what you’d do to break these habits? All I can think of is — set a rule re hand washing (like 1x and you’re done) and/or when going out don’t always carry hand sanitizer so that when you don’t have it, oh well I guess you can’t sanitize and have to go one with your errand.
FWIW — I love hugs from friends. Love airports/airplanes etc. because when traveling I can say — I know for a fact planes, TSA bins etc. are so dirty that no amount of hand sanitizer will kill anything, oh well, I get to go to Hawaii or wherever, I guess I’ll just shower when I get there. I almost think when traveling, the fascination of wherever I am and the newness of it makes me forget the “routines” that I have at home. Could this be a boredom thing??
Anon
Stay away from fearmongering magazines (women’s/wellness mostly), blogs and news sources. They’re constantly coming up with the latest solution in search of a problem.
Anonymous
This. I find this issue to be a bit self fulfilling — as germophobe behavior grows from being around other germophobes and feeling like you aren’t doing enough. It’s good that you’ve mentioned it to a dr. and they see it as habits, not actual anxiety — but you want to keep it from getting to that point. I think I’ve mentioned it here before — I work with 25-40 year old women who literally wipe down airplane seats/trays/hotels; whip out masks in public transit situations and often sunglasses too as eye protection from someone else’s sneeze; must wash dishes themselves at home because their partners can’t do it right — they don’t scrub the outside bottom of the pot thoroughly enough and it could contaminate something else (never mind that the outside of the pot will also be touching FIRE); Lysol their phones/keyboards every day often more than 1x per day (apparently Lysol chemicals on fingers is ok); wipe down the wheels of their luggage with Lysol wipe etc. I’ve had to actively remind myself that these are not NORMAL behaviors to keep myself from feeling like — I wipe down my phone really only after I travel should I be doing it more, I thought phones weren’t supposed to get wet etc. etc. . . .
Anon
Wait, people scrub the outside bottom of their pots? I’m pretty sure that I’ve never cleaned the bottom of a pot or pan. I’ve always known I’m not a germophobe (probably the exact opposite), but I feel like everything I read this stuff or women’s magazines, I learn another cleaning item that I don’t do. So, for the OP, I highly recommend staying away from women’s magazines and limiting such discussions with others in real life, since they just reinforce your habits.
Anon
I mean, I’m far from a germaphobe but I wash the outsides and bottoms of my pots. Otherwise they’re greasy.
Anonymous
I mean I wash them because frankly water and soap will spill on the outside when you wash the inside but I don’t scrub — because there is likely no stuck on food there and as the poster above says — they are touching fire which I’m certain is a better germ killer than Dawn.
Anon
I do, because heavy carbon buildup inhibits heat transfer (I cook A LOT). I don’t do it because of any sort of hangups over cleanliness.
Anonymous
I do wipe tray tables, arm rests etc but only if I’m traveling with my allergic kid.
Practice not touching your face without washing your hands and the germs on your hands don’t really matter as much.
There are healthy bacteria as well. If you’re not immunocompromised, ordinary activities like airplane flights or subway travel are not going to make you sick.
If you’re washing your hands three times after going to the washroom, a few CBT sessions for anxiety would likely be quite helpful. You don’t need to launch into long term therapy or medication but a few sessions to get coping tools might be helpful.
Anonymous
Seriously, you will touch cash and not the ground? Cash is pretty gross. [But I’m almost a germophile, on the theory that it’s only the superbugs that can kill you and why kill their competition w/o provocation.]
I’m married to a germaphobe who is getting worse as he ages, but is also rampantly misinformed / misjudges his actual germ risk (wipes down everything in a hotel room but has put his shoes (!!!) on the kitchen counter (!!!@(#47(@#*&!!) at home. Ugh. I just cannot even.
Anonymous
Actually I don’t use cash in part because of germs, in part because it’s just annoying to get change back all the time and then have more cash to use. But that was just an example. Say a button pops off my coat and falls on the ground in public, I’m likely to just leave it there — not pick it up and take it with me so I can sew it back on, I’d likely end up going to the store to match a new button to the existing coat.
cbt but not with therapist
Look around the web for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) resources that strike a chord with you. CBT is therapy, but it deals with habits and behaviors and not so much the emotional backstory. It’s very practicable and actionable. You should be able to get some good ideas for breaking the cycle that way.
Also, the Anxiety and Phobias Workbook on Amazon is great.
These are more resources for helping you work through breaking the habits using science than therapy recommendations. It’s stuff you can do on your own without involving a professional.
Anonymous
Your habits sound like classic anxiety symptoms (at least, they were for me). Is there a reason you don’t want to do therapy for this?
Anonymous
Because drs are telling her it doesn’t rise to the level of anxiety? I could see how it could get there but just by being aware of it and doing things to change behavior, she may be able to do it without therapy (or not in which case therapy will always be there).
Anonymous
She already would rather make a trip to a notions shop to buy a new button rather than picking the old one off the ground. That’s avoidance. Hence, that’s anxiety.
Anon
I just left home for the office after taking an early conference call from home. My robot army (upstairs roomba, downstairs roomba) is cleaning my house while I commute. The brother cats aren’t happy about it, but hey, they’re why I need the robots.
I feel like I’m in the Jetsons.
Anon
I loved the Jetsons :) And we totally live in the Jetson age now! Well, minus the flying cars.
Senior Attorney
My husband and I were saying this morning that we are totally in the Star Trek age this morning after we commanded the computer to play a song while we got dressed. (“Computer! Play “Rawhide Theme!”)
Anonymous
Did you actually name your Alexa “computer”? If so, that is the coolest thing ever.
Anon
My teenage son named his computer too!
Senior Attorney
Yes the one in the bedroom is “Computer” because otherwise the one in the kitchen, whose name is “Alexa” keeps butting in to the conversation! ;)
Senior Attorney
And the one in the living room is “Amazon” for the same reason.
Anonymous
But does it respond in Majel Barrett’s voice?
Senior Attorney
Oh, if only. I would legit pay a premium for that option.
Anon
OP here. I’m at work now and I have the Jetsons theme stuck in my head.
Also the image of Jane His Wife grabbing George Jetson’s whole wallet when he is trying to hand her some bills.
toi
ikr?
they forever complain, but never pitch in to help!
Anon
Anyone have suggestions for resources on dealing with mild anxiety and depression? It’s not serious enough to warrant the expense of therapy but it is affecting my life. I’m looking for books, workbooks, podcasts, dietary changes, habits, etc. that people have actually found to be helpful.
Veronica Mars
Anxieties and Phobias Workbook by Dr. Bourne is the most comprehensive and wonderful resource. It goes into every type of treatment method available and lots of practical exercises you can do.
Anonymous
Regular exercise (like 3 times weekly) and time outdoors have both been shown to reduce anxiety and depression.
Enough sleep and a healthy diet are also important. Massage therapy for tension can also be important. Avoid excessive social media use. Connect with friends regularly (I text at least one friend each day).
Anonymous
I have what I would consider mild anxiety and depression (very high functioning). I tried all of that stuff for years. I’m in therapy now and on low dose meds. By all means, try all the things first, but recognize that you aren’t a failure if that ends up not working for you, and there’s no shame in traditional treatment even if you think it’s “not serious enough”.
Senior Attorney
I just saw an amazing PSA by Bill Hader talking about anxiety on Twitter that I found really helpful: https://twitter.com/nowthisnews/status/1169644608688664579
Anon
Are you sure you can’t afford therapy? It’s a real game changer. Otherwise, definitely exercise, as hard as it is to actually go do. My therapist told me you really need 45 minutes at a time of having your heart rate up for it to be effective. I think the frequency needed depends on the person. Also, avoid or limit CATS — caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, sugar.
Anonymous
I think it really, really depends on what’s causing it.
Mental illness characterized by spiraling thoughts and worries? I would get a good CBT therapist and consider psychiatric meds.
Purely chemical imbalances of neurotransmitters in the brain? I personally found amino acid therapy more helpful than meds, which also makes a lot of sense theoretically.
Trauma or just past life experiences? Therapy again, but consider psychodynamic, dialectical behavioral, or acceptance and commitment therapy over CBT.
A medical condition? B12 deficiency (there’s a great book, _Could it be B12_ on how often this is overlooked), thyroid disease, vitamin D deficiency, and undiagnosed Celiac disease are medical conditions that commonly cause anxiety/depression symptoms. So can taking the pill. Depression and anxiety can be secondary conditions, so no matter what else you do to treat the symptoms, it can be worth running some tests to try to figure out if there’s an underlying issue or not.
Anonymous
(And I realize you didn’t want therapy, but CBT and DBT can both be very short term, and you can also look up the different schools of therapy yourself to get the general idea and even answer the same questions the therapist would ask. And DBT at least is totally available as a workbook.)
Rainbow Hair
I looove therapy and don’t think anything needs to be ‘serious enough’ to warrant it… but if it’s not an option for you, I would recommend the David Burns Feeling Good Handbook. It’s basically an at-home CBT thing — it starts out sounding cheesyAF but if you just commit, it can work.
Begrudgingly seconding the recommendations for exercise, too, though 30 minutes of going hard three times a week is enough for me. I hate being sweaty and uncomfortable, but it makes me less crazy, so off I go.
Anonymous
If I skip yoga or HIIT too many times my husband will start begging me to go. There must be something to it.
Dallas area road trip
Any suggestions for good places to go near Dallas in late November? I am going to visit family there for thanksgiving and would like to do a road trip to an interesting place for a weekend with my elementary aged kids. We like national parks or forests or lakes but cannot camp, need a comfortable place or cabin to stay in. Don’t really want to do Austin or Fredericksburg or San Antonio, have been there before. I like nature and history and my kids love to be outdoors.
I am wondering if some of those nature areas would be too cold, but maybe that’s something we cannot avoid in Texas, even if we head south. Willing to drive upto 7 or 8 hours.
Anon.
If you’re willing to drive 8 hours . . . Big Bend National Park is amazing. Do a couple days hiking in the park and do a night time Star Party at the McDonald Observatory near Fort Davis. (Alternatively catch a quick flight to Midland on Southwest & drive 3.5 hours.)