Coffee Break: Faust Large Bucket Bag

124 Comments

1. My comment never posted in the morning so here it goes again!

   My boyfriend is out of town for a few days and I want to leave him a little surprise present at his apartment for when he gets back. I am planning on cleaning up his place a bit and buying groceries since he has been so busy he hasn’t had time to do so.

   What is a good small gift for a guy? He’s pretty typical as far as dudes go… he has an interview coming up, so I was thinking maybe a nice tie that he can wear? Beer? I’m open to all suggestions!

   1. Beer in the fridge makes you the coolest gf ever.

      I don’t know your relationship, but groceries and cleaning veers a little into Mom territory for me. But I can think of contexts where it’d be ok.

      1. Yah, I hear you, but he says all the time that he feels like he never has time to do any of these things, so I thought it would be a really nice “stress-relieving” gift. I guess I appreciate when people do errands or favors for me when I am busy so I thought a guy would too? Is this not appropriate and I am potentially committing a faux-pas?

         1. Definitely fave beer in the fridge and I think as long as you are not doing some crazy deep clean and just buying a few grocery necessities, that’s completely fine. I wouldn’t do his laundry or full stock the fridge and cabinets, but I do think you doing the light version of cleaning and food replenishment is a nice gesture.

            1. Yes, the intention was a quick clean up and a few groceries to tide him over when he gets back.

         2. I think that could be a little invasive. I find it frustrating when other well meaning people in my life clean my house because then I can’t find anything. Or they buy food for me when I already have enough, so what I have goes bad. Or they’re not aware that I’ve changed my dietary restrictions. Anyway, my point is that it’s easy to cross a line into personal things that that person would much rather take care of him/herself

         3. I think whether it’s appropriate or not is entirely dependent on your relationship and his personality and you’re really the only one who can answer this. Is he protective of his space? I think groceries and beer in the fridge are a thoughtful gesture without the possibility of him feeling like his space has been violated if you’re at all worried about that. But I know many people would be perfectly fine with someone cleaning their place unannounced.

            1. Soon-ish after I met my now live-in bf we were living in different cities.
               I had an exam in his city, and he was out of town, so he told me I should stay in his apartment for the night or two I needed to be there for the exam. It’s a really expensive city to stay in, and he was conveniently located for the exam, so it was awesome for me.

               Anyway, as a thank you, I cleaned the apartment before I left.
               Nothing crazy, but did the dishes, folded the laundry, dusted and vacuumed, etc.
               He came home to a clean quiet apartment after a long business trip and he was really appreciative.
               It’s been like 5 years and he still mentions it.

               So I would say.. you know him best. If you think he would like it, I think its a super sweet gesture, especially since it takes your own time and work and not just money.

   2. Panties. Those ones he likes.

      1. But not open crotch panties. My boyfriend loves them and always has sex with me without letting me take them off.

   3. My boyfriend was happy when he went away and came home to the next day’s lunch in the fridge (basically, Whole Foods prepared items), fresh milk, and a clean(er) house.

      He also once watched my cat, then left flowers and chocolate cookies for me. Know your boyfriend and what he would consider to be “mom” territory and what he would think of as “super-sweet girlfriend” gestures.

   4. Go over and make a nice dinner for you guys to share. That’s all I really want when I get home after being away. Perhaps booze… Booze is always a plus.

   5. If he’s flying back home and would normally take a cab or transit, then it might be nice if you picked him up at the airport instead.

      Otherwise, agreed with the others on picking up his beverage of choice, having dinner ready to go and some light groceries restocked.

2. How much sleep do you get, and do you think it’s enough? I’ve been having insomnia recently, and it’s driving me insane. I think I might be one of those people that needs 8 hours to be truly functional.

   1. I need at least 8 hours. I wish I didn’t, but it’s just how I am. I often don’t feel like I get enough, but I have been trying hard to make it a priority lately and I definitely notice that I feel better and am less inclined to snack on candy and junk to stay away.

   2. I need about 8 hours each night. There’s a reason that sleep deprivation is used as torture; it does drive one insane.

   3. I definitely need 8 hours. I drug myself every night in an attempt to get it! I also stick very strictly to my bedtime schedule (in bed no later than 10:00 a.m. which I try to stick when possible on weekends, hey no fun police!), which helps.

   4. I’m an 8-9 hour person. I can function on less, but then it’s no fun for anyone.

      1. Same here. Less sleep means less productivity at work and more irritability at home.

   5. I am also a 8 hour a night person. Curious, what time do you go to bed/wake up? I make every effort to be in bed by 10, up before 6:30.

      1. Usually I’m on the same time schedule as you, but I’ve been having trouble falling asleep, so it’s been closer to 12:30-6:30

   6. I regularly get 7 hours, sometimes a little less. It’s pretty rare that I get more, even on the weekends. Although 8 hours feels great to me, I function just as well on 7. I’m fine if I get only 4-6 hours for a couple of nights, but after that I really start to lose focus/feel tired all the time.

   7. I need nine but I get seven.

      1. Me too.

      2. Same.

      3. Samesies.

   8. I need 8 hours a night. Scheduled sleep time is 9:00 p.m. – 5:00 a.m. But I am having insomnia and my husband has been snoring, so I’ve been getting 3 – 5 hours several nights out of each week. On that little sleep I am barely functional and have trouble finding the words I’m looking for.

   9. 8-9 hours for peak performance! I’ve been having trouble sleeping recently too and I think it’s because I haven’t been getting very much ‘me’ time. (My husband quit his job two weeks ago to give himself a good vacation before starting a graduate program in mid-August. The unintended consequence is that he gets no social interaction during the day from co-workers and is running me a little ragged in the evenings.)

   10. 6-7 hours on the max dosage of a sleeping medication when not overly stressed; less than 6 on the same medication when stressed. Without medication, at most 5 hours. Chronic insomnia is a b*tch.

   11. Add me to the 8 hours club. The Freakonomics podcast did an interesting 2 part series on “The Science of Sleep” last month. It touched on a couple of things I thought were interesting…like how people often overestimate the amount of sleep they actually get, and how the quality of sleep can really matter, in addition to the quantity. Would highly recommend.

   12. I routinely get 5 hours.
       I’m a doctor, so nights I’m on call (about 1 weeknight per week and one full weekend per month) are anyone’s guess- from 0 hours to a full night depending on whether I get called in.

3. What would you be doing if you had to be at your desk 40 hours a week with no work?

   My job has a unique feast-or-famine cycle where there is literally no work to be done right now, yet we all still have to be here in the office. Everyone’s watching Netflix, shopping online, cat videos…I’m on here ;) What can I do with this time? I feel like I should be doing something productive. This is only my first week into this cycle and I’ve already run out of internet haha. I have until the end of the month to kill.

   1. I would sign myself up for a course on Coursera! Or work on learning a second language with Rosetta Stone maybe….

      And I’d also schedule a workout or networking or friend lunch during every lunch hour to break up the day.

      1. That’s a lot of time. Don’t waste it. I second a course on Coursera or EdX. It can get exhausting watching the course videos, so you are better off picking one or two courses at the most, or you will feel saturated very quickly. You can choose a topic related to your profession or something you always wanted to learn. Think of it as updating or learning new skills which could come in handy in your career sometime down the road.

      2. Seconded, use the time to better your mind. There’s a handful of free online language classes that you can take if you don’t feel like paying for Rosetta Stone, Khan Academy is video-based and has a LOT of subjects, and I wanna say MIT has a handful of their entry-level courses online for free as well.

         Gotta say I’m kinda jealous – I’m in the middle of the “feast” part of my workload and the idea of getting paid to do something calming and/or fun sounds WONDERFUL.

   2. If you have a library card and your library has ebooks, you can use overdrive and read books in your browser.

   3. You can read articles on newyorker.com, if you have a subscription.

   4. very curious – what is this mysterious job of doing nothing! :) I’d second the netflix, catching up on reading, get the duolingo app and learn a new language?

   5. MIT OpenCourseWare

   6. Have you ever wanted to write a novel?

   7. I’d want to write the book I have in my head. I’d probably do on line shopping.

   8. I was in this situation once (gave notice at a job and had two weeks of nothing to fill). I binge watched my favorite show on DVD with headphones (I had a private office so no one could see what I was doing).

   9. Are there any certifications you can start doing the coursework/studying for? Are there any trainings or conferences that you can attend? A plus one if work will cover any of these expenses, but I think I’d pay out of pocket for the sake of getting out of the office or doing something productive.

   10. I have a job that is feast or famine as well. When I have down time, I use it for politics and social media regarding high stakes testing (which is linked to common core) and the school-to-prison-pipeline. I tweet, write emails to my lawmakers both state and federal, and post articles in different groups. If you are interested, check out unitedoptout.com or Fairtest.org.

   11. I would be doing coursera

4. Sometimes my friends make me crazy. We had lunch today, and I brought up the debate tonight, and it got no traction. Instead, yet another lunch full of talking about dating.

   It drives me nuts how women sometimes focus so much on men, on clothes, on makeup and appearances, when there are bigger things that also deserve discussion.

   1. Miranda?

      :)

      1. ~snickers~ Good one!

   2. To be fair, I’ll talk about politics with certain people and I follow politics/current events/industry news. But when I’m having lunch with my friends, I want to relax and I don’t want to get in a worked up political discussion.

      1. I am the same way.

      2. Even so, it’s really boring to talk about the exact same things every time you get together.

      3. Well, my complaint is really that it’s dating to the exclusion of other topics. I’m happy to have some dating, but what about hobbies, travel, new things around the city, some politics, whatever. It’s just all dating, all the time.

   3. Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe new friends? I have friends for talking about dating and I have friends for talking politics. My closest friends are the ones who can do both, but some friends I know that’s just not who they are, and I’m fine with that. I talk to them about the things that are them.

      Also, I’m in politics, and there are times when I CAN.NOT. have another political discussion to save my life. I just want a glass of wine and a mindless episode of Friends. So maybe these friends just want to gab about men because their regular lives are already full of weighty stuff?

      1. +1000
         I had this annoyance a few years ago then realized i need to kind of re-categorize my friends. I have my one best friend in the whole world then 3 really close friends all of whom I can talk about literally everything. But everyone else I limited to mindless (still fun in doses) wine and going out, some to gush about boys and fashion, so career etc. As I’ve gotten older my friend group tends to narrow in general you might just need to do the same thing if that makes sense.

      2. Yeah, you might be right. And to clarify, my complaint is really that it’s dating to the exclusion of other topics.

         I’m happy to have some dating, but what about hobbies, travel, new things around the city, some politics, whatever. It’s just all dating, all the time with most of my friends.

         1. I talk about dating a lot because it is my hobby.

            1. When can we hang out and can I bring Shots Shots Shots?

            2. I want in on this too!

            3. I’m in!

   4. Are these good girlfriends from school or hanging out in your 20s? You know, the kind of girls that you traditionally discussed boys with? If so, making that leap from personal life to worldly discussions might be hard. Not saying these aren’t brilliant women who can discuss politics. Just saying that I have friends from high school/college with whom I wouldn’t choose to discuss politics. These are the girls I trust with my deep personal stuff and if I only had an hour to catch up over lunch, the republican debate would not be my #1 topic. If that no longer floats your boat, then I say break up with these girls and find new friends. The friends I’ve made in the last 5-10 years are much more likely to want to discuss elections or the school board or what have you. I think it’s the time of life that is the major touch-point for you as friends that controls this.

   5. Yay! I love Nina Ricci and this schlepper, but $2500 is a littel out of my price range. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, what is wrong with talking about dateing and men and clotheing? This is what we do all the time on Corporete!!!! Who want’s to have to get serius with our girlfriend’s and talk politics? It is more important to me to have a chance to compare note’s with my girlfriend’s on dateing, guy’s and their attribute’s and weaknesses. That way, we can better judge whether our boyfriend is any good and worth keeping!

      Do I realy care who the Republican nominee will be? Will it change my life? NO, but having a boyfriend that will press the right button’s for me at home and in bed WILL! So far, it’s been empty on that front, but if I ever hit paydirt with a winner, I can get MARRIED, and move to Chapaqua, which is exacteley what Hilary Clindon did. I do NOT know if she will be the next president, but she at least has a husband and a house in Chapaqua. That is all I want, as long as my husband has a 7-8 figure bank account. YAY!!!

   6. Wait, tonight’s clown show farce of a debate between ten old men, most of whom have zero chance of being president and are just wasting everyone’s time is supposed to be worthy of discussion? I’m smart enough to know I need waste zero time discussing this pageantry.

      1. And I’m here to turn this mind-numbing pageantry into a spirited drinking game! If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry!

         1. This is exactly what I intend on doing as well =)

         2. +1. Going to the bar with friends and a bingo card. This may be better than the SOTU.

         3. http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-official-gop-debate-drinking-game-rules-20150805

      2. I’m not the original poster, but the Canadians also have a debate tonight! That doesn’t mean it’s not also a pageant, but 3 of the 4 debaters have a chance at being prime minister….

      3. Agreed. I tried to be cerebral when in college, but rarely got any guys. In law school, I started the same way, and nada. Being the intellectual never got me any luck with men. By the time I was a 2L, I threw in the towel and slept with 2 of the cutest guys on law review. I wound up marrying one of them and never lifted a law book again. That ‘s the ticket to success, not talking politics with your friends.

         1. Christ on the cross. This is disgusting.

         2. Princeton Mom?

            1. FTW.

      4. I plan to watch and yell at the TV so my stepdaughter can hear. That way when her crazy relatives start touting how great Trump, etc. are she’ll have heard some counter arguments. :) (She’s in high school, I’m not preaching politics to an 8 year old…).

         1. There is a pretty strong anti-Trump editorial in today’s WSJ, written by Karl Rove.

            1. Oh I’d be very interested to read that. Thanks for the heads up.

            2. Found it here: http://www.rove.com/articles/599

               Interesting stuff — thanks, mashedpotato!

      5. I’m totally excited to watch it purely for entertainment value. My husband and I originally bonded over the 2012 debates. We’d each watch the. Separately and wind up spending the night texting about what was being said. Tonight is an at home date night for us.

5. In the middle of the house buying process… how fast can I reasonable expect my attorney to respond to things. For example, I received correspondence from sellers attorney (I was copied on it) … but it took 2 days for me to get her on the phone and 2 additional days for her to send a one line response to seller’s attorney (ie – please include referenced attachment). Am I expecting too much? I’m not a lawyer, but in my line of work, i would be expected to respond to a client within hours – especially with a relatively easy response.

   1. It depends. Did those 4 days make you lose the house? Was there a deadline that the seller’s attorney set that she missed or almost missed? Did she have other things to do? Did she have to read and analyze the email to know that there was a piece of information missing? Does she already know the seller’s attorney and knew that he would be out of town to go to his kids’ summer camp parent’s week so there’s no point in responding so quickly anyway? Is she in a big firm where she has admin help to help her sort through email?

   2. I think it depends on where you are in the house buying process and what you mean by correspondence with the seller’s attorney. If you’re expecting someone to drop everything are doing to take care of something that’s not due for a week, that’s not a reasonable expectation. If something was supposed to be signed by a day and the attorney is missing the deadline, the attorney is dropping the ball.

   3. Agree that unless you lost the house or missed a deadline, it’s not worth worrying about. Residential closing attorneys are volume based businesses. As in, even if you picked someone you knew, you are one of 100s of files they are dealing with at any given time and they are triaging the most important ones. If you missed a deadline, yes, you should complain. That’s an issue. If responses aren’t instantaneous, well, that’s just the nature of the beast. Like SH said, there could be all sorts of reasons.

6. It seems like several of us have posted recently about moving in with partners for the first time. Here’s another question on that front: what advice do you all have about finances?

   My finance and I have been together for six years, engaged for two, and are finally going to be living in the same place after several years of being long distance. We’ve talked a little bit about how we’ll likely need a household account to pay for bills, groceries, and lots of little common expenses. No big conversation yet, though — just putting that down on our ever-growing list of Big Things to Discuss in Premarital Counseling.

   I went on a massive Target run for our new place last weekend, and I wished a little bit that both of us were contributing to the paper towels and laundry detergent budget. I’m less certain about home decor — he couldn’t care less if we have a pretty wreath on the door or a fun clock in the kitchen, so I guess it makes sense that those expenses are mine.

   Any guidance on how to have these conversations, and what exactly we should put on the agenda, would be so helpful. TIA!

   1. I think you just have to figure out what works for you as a couple and there’s no one-size fits all approach to this. My husband and I put pretty much everything into the communal expense bucket that we both contribute equally to (e.g. most all our income goes in there). We each have a separate “just for us” account that neither of us questions for truly personal things so we don’t need to feel guilty about buying something frivolous. But pretty much everything else comes out of the communal bucket – all home decor, household items, drugstore stuff, etc.

      1. +1. This is similar to what I do with my husband. Add up all joint expenses (mortgage, car insurance, groceries) plus a little extra for a cushion. Then divide based on income percentage — i.e., we each contribute the same percentage of our income, but not the same dollar amount.

         We also have a joint savings. We each have automatic transfers set up to put a set amount of money in, and we each have agreed that we can never let it go below a certain amount. We use the savings for fun things like vacations and furniture for the house, and it’s also our joint cushion for house repairs and other joint expenses. I don’t think there’s any real limit on what we can spend the money on, we just have to talk about it first.

         I don’t think it you have to wait for premarital counseling to discuss it. You can just say, hey, now that we’re living together, can we come up with a system for sharing the expenses. Then propose whatever system you want.

         You should definitely talk about what counts as a “joint” expense so you’re on the same page (maybe he doesn’t want to pay for house decor, but maybe he doesn’t mind contributing).

         1. I should clarify that we save and invest too, but we also view that as communal expenses. Better put, everything save for a small amount of “fun” money each month goes to the communal pot.

         2. That’s what we do, and have done, for 38 years! It works.

      2. I agree on the “do what works for you, there is no one size fits all.” My husband and I opened a joint account when we were engaged and living together but not yet married. My entire paycheck goes into the joint checking. Part of his paycheck goes into checking and part into savings (his paycheck is variable but never less than a certain amount so a set amount goes into checking and then whatever he makes over that goes into savings). We pay all household expenses out of that (although many of them via a joint credit card for reward points). We also tend to do haircuts and clothes out of the joint money, but neither of us spends a ton and we generally shop because we need a specific item as opposed to just for fun. Then we each get a monthly “allowance” into a separate checking account that we can spend on whatever we want and the other one doesn’t get to say a word about what that money gets spent on. It works great for us, but I know not everyone likes this set up.

   2. I’m divorced now (great friends – different life goals), but we were married for 8 years and never even did joint accounts. We had our checking accounts linked so we could easily transfer each other money, and we split bills. I took XYZ bills and he took ABC bills, and we split groceries and the mortgage. We opened a joint account at one point because we felt like we were supposed to, but we couldn’t figure out how to use it because our current system worked so well.

      1. We just got married but don’t have joint accounts. We split household bills and alternate things like groceries. We split purchases for things like decor and shared electronics like the TV or printer. Our system has worked well for us so we plan to continue as we have been.

   3. We generally keep our money separate except for shared expenses. Investments are separate apart from our house. We’re also married. I generally gravitate toward separate expenses, but we definitely work on the assumption that anything for the home is shared. Some things I care about and he doesn’t, others vice versa. But it doesn’t matter who cares about it, it matters that it’s a shared space/entity. It also helps that we agree in general on what’s worth the expense, and we don’t have many expenses in general. Also, why isn’t he contributing to your target run if it’s for your shared place? It’s not like he doesn’t use detergent or paper towels, right?

      In general, and I realize this is probably not what a lot of women on here will say- you need to advocate for yourself. I find that too many women let their warm and gooey feelings for their men lead them to making systematically unfair choices that disadvantage them financially. Don’t do it. Have a sense of what’s fair and fight for it. (That said, I also have warm and gooey feelings for my DH and have done things like pay off his student loans. I’m just saying always keep your self interest in mind and do not compromise it.)

   4. I’ve been married for 3 years, living together for 5, and we still don’t have a household account for bills – we decided on an equitable way to split expenses, and then divvied up the bills accordingly. We readjust when someone gets a raise or a new job (or when one of our expenses changes significantly), and if one of us feels like the other needs to kick in for some particular expense, we’ll typically just ask.

      If you’re both reasonable people with intentions of being fair, the “how do we pay for things” conversation really doesn’t have to be a big deal.

   5. My now husband and I lived together for 2.5 years before we got married. We decided to keep all of our accounts separate (we finally opened up a joint savings account now that we’re married – baby steps!) and we split rent according to our respective incomes (80%/20%, roughly). He paid all of our utility/cable bills (since I moved into his place, everything was in his name already) and I took over paying for our housekeeper and for groceries/basic household goods. He also generally covered all of our date nights or activities out, because he makes much more than I do.. This system was really easy and worked for us for a long time, and we’ll probably stick to a similar plan now that we’re married as long as we’re both working (just with more joint savings/retirement account access).

   6. It only makes sense that you are the only one who pays for decor and that you aren’t just texting him “hey I just bought a bunch of target stuff you owe me $150” if you feel like you aren’t worth enough space in his life.

      Woman up! Don’t put this off to counseling. Call him tonight “hey, I just bought us a bunch of stuff at Target so we should figure out how we’re going to split costs. I think we should contribute rent/utilities/other recurring expenses to a joint account monthly, and add other expenses to Splitwise as they come up and settle up monthly. What do you think would work?”

      1. +1

      2. Oh geez! While a man might not care enough to buy cute curtains at Target, don’t think it doesn’t matter! Even after the women’s movement, the wife is still judged on the home and your guests and maybe even his mother will wonder why you didn’t decorate! This is a joint expense.

   7. Start talking! Things to consider:

      Joint account/separate accounts? Having to “pay back” each other is a pain, so we opted for a joint, plus two separates.

      Bills/Budget – Paid on income % or split down the middle? What do you think is a reasonable budget for the joint categories? Is that in line with your actual spending. Do you want to have any joint savings for future joint purchases?

      Best done over pizza and beer.

      1. +1 for talking it out together. Highly recommend “1001 Questions To Ask Before Getting Married.”

   8. I’m married (which colors this advice–my now-husband and I handled this stuff differently when we were living together but not married) and we put everything in one pot. We have a budget we made together and a fair amount of autonomy in how that budgeted money gets spent (I buy most of the groceries, and he doesn’t care what I get as long as it stays within the budget, we each have separate clothing lines, etc), but all the money goes to one joint account when it comes in. This has worked well for us (for 15 months or so–I can’t make claims about the long term) for the following reasons, I think:
      -we have enough money that we’re not being Extremely Careful in any category–we need to be attentive to the budget, but not Extremely Careful OMG
      -we have similar attitudes towards spending and saving, and where those attitudes differ, we’re respectful and appreciative of those differences. Conversations can definitely be *frustrating* but are never angry.
      -this is basically in line with how we’ve always thought about money–like back to childhood.

      Candidly, this is not my ideal system–I wanted to have a joint account but also a fair amount of personal spending that the other person wouldn’t even see, and I thought the system we have would cause disagreements and unhappiness, especially related to my own tendency to micromanage. We may, someday, move towards something more like what I initially wanted (particularly if we have more money), but for the moment, this is working really well and hasn’t caused any of the issues about which I most worried.

   9. As others have said, YMMV. BUT when my DH and I (not married at the time) moved in together, we opened a new joint account and transferred everything in there. Then all expenses got paid from that account and all of our paychecks got deposited in there. We kept our individual credit cards for a while after that, but all of those bills were paid from the joint account.

   10. Before we were engaged, we put all household receipts in an envelope and evened it out every few months. After we were engaged, we decided that we would be totally combining finances once married, and so stopped keeping track (since it was all going to end up in the same pot anyway, and we were only engaged for six months or so). On how to bring it up – I think you can just say that there are some financial things you want to talk about now that you’re living together. You’ll have to talk about it prior to marriage in any case. Doesn’t have to be contentious at all.

   11. We’re actually doing this now. We have a joint checking account that we pay for things out of like rent, utilities, groceries, dinners out, etc.

       Then we have a small savings account that we both contribute a set amount to which we use for home repairs. (My partner owns the house.)

       Then for big trips/weddings/other discrete big ticket expenses we use the splitwise app. Which is really helpful. You can organize expenses under a topic and then it reconciles across topics.

       My partner makes about 30% more than me, but we still split costs evenly. We live in a LCL area and we don’t have an ostentatious lifestyle so I can easily afford my half of things. I think I might want to do something if we lived in a HCL area or my partner wanted to live a more ostentatious lifestyle than I did.

       I would imagine though that we would eventually move to more joint accounts when we have children. I’m guessing that one of us will take a short break from the workforce and it wouldn’t make much sense to have split accounts at that time.

   12. DH moved into my apartment 1.5 years before we married. When he first moved in, I paid all of the bills (he paid his half to me), but we split the grocery shopping. I soon realized that this resulted in me buying all of the toiletries/cleaning supplies, and us buying duplicates of everything. I elected to start doing all of the grocery shopping, then he just paid me his half.

       When we married a few months ago, we combined our finances, and it is so much easier. To limit arguments about money, we agreed to discuss any purchases over $200.

   13. Recently married, have cohabitated for 3 years now. We have entirely separate accounts and it works great for us. We view our savings as both of our money, but we compromise on risk tolerance by each managing the savings account with our name on it (i.e., he insists on keeping “his” savings account in cash while I keep “mine” in index funds). We each handle separate bills and he writes me a check once a month for the balance (I handle the rent payment), and then we use paypal for ad hoc expenses like one of us purchasing plane tickets for a trip. I handle grocery expenses because I do the cooking and I like pricey cheese. He handles all the car expenses (although we lump parking costs into the joint rent bucket). We’ve thought about opening a joint account, but we each tend to have wild cash flow swings, like ordering a couple thousand dollars worth of clothing online and then the returns don’t show up in my bank account until the next month, and neither of us want to have to bother working around the other person’s cash flow. We’re also high income DINKs with very similar money values — our system would probably work differently if we had to more carefully watch our money, or if we had unequal incomes, or if one of us had issues budgeting/saving.

7. Another house-buying question – are there any risks/pitfalls to look out for when the realtors for the buyer and seller work for the same company, out of the same office?

   DH and I have a realtor we really like. His realty company lists a lot of houses in the neighborhood we’re looking at, and we’ve toured some of them. We just toured a house listed by one of his coworkers, loved it, and might want to make an offer. Normally I wouldn’t hesitate to have a discussion with him about how to get a good deal, since we’re first-time home buyers who could use the wisdom of someone with much more experience with real estate negotiations and the market generally. To what extent do realtors who work in the same office “have each others’ backs” in these transactions? Isn’t there some mutual benefit to a higher sale price? We like this guy and I wouldn’t want to bail on him, but part of why buyers get a realtor is to get solid advice on valuation, right?

   1. Both the sellers’ and buyers’ realtor are paid as a percentage of the final sale price. Therefore, neither really has an incentive to help you get a good deal.

      1. +1, EXCEPT if you have a “buyer’s agent”, who is paid by you the buyer, separately from the regular 5% coming out of the seller’s pocket.

         Feel free to use him as your agent though, since that would mean he would split the commission with the listing agent and he would thus have warm/fuzzy feelings toward you.

         You could also have “how do we get a good deal” conversation with him generally, but if the market is hot in your area I would skip that and just jump on the house you like.

   2. We just did this in the last year and the people that bought our house used a realtor in the same office as our realtor and that side of the transaction was so.much.smoother. Like a million times so even though the house we sold had more issues at inspection than the one we purchased. The agents trusted each other and knew that the other one was competent. On the buying side, none of the houses we put in offers on were listed by agents from our realtors firm. I wish in retrospect some had been. We dealt with two in particular who were difficult – one just nasty, the other incompetent. So to sum up, I wouldn’t be scared of realtors from the same office. That office likely has a lot of listings because they are good. That’s a good thing. Get a realtor for the buyer’s side that you trust.

   3. I’ve been on both sides of this transaction. As a seller, I asked that the commission be cut since it was the same broker. As the buyer, I felt like we got adequate representation and a good price. We weren’t wildly apart on the offers/counters and the motivation to have the whole commission come to one brokerage offset the price variance. This happens sometimes and good realty agencies can explain how they handle it. Did you tour the house with your realtor and have you already signed an agency agreement with him? If so, you may be stuck with him regardless.

   4. When I sold my house, my realtor ended up representing the buyers too. I wasn’t super happy about it but the numbers worked in my favor andy agent was super transparent with me and with what he could and couldn’t tell me.

      I think it worked because I had gotten an inspection and appraisal before placing the house on the market so there was a baseline. My agent ended up paying for some section 1 pest repairs and discounted his commission from 5.25% to 4.0% so it was more money in my pocket.

      In some ways it was more convenient. Usually, each discussion has to go through two agents and the message gets garbled. During escrow, he took the buyers through the house and showed them how the sprinklers and fireplace worked, pointed out the emergency cutoff valves, and various other tasks. He could just called with questions and I knew the message would get to the buyers.

   5. Higher sales price = higher commission, BUT most agents are eager to close the sale even if the sales price is $10,000 lower than it might be. Losing $300 is nothing compared with losing the sale entirely.

   6. The realtors can advise, but the price the seller will accept is up to the buyer who may or may not be swayed by anything they say. The realtors could also be friends or hate each others guts. I think it’s all over the place, but will likely not matter much.

   7. There is a difference between using the same realtor for both sides (strongly recommend against that) and using two realtors in the same brokerage (totally fine). You may have to sign a disclosure form saying that you understand the agents work for the same brokerage, but they can each independently represent their clients without a conflict of interest. It’s when the one agent represents both sides that they really can’t do their job because they can’t ethically release all of the pertinent information to both sides while appropriately representing them.

      I used to be an agent and my brokerage was huge, so it was almost impossible to avoid doing business with other agents in my brokerage. The benefit to the parties is generally, the agents know each other already and work well together (or will) and the transaction will be more likely to go smoothly. When I worked with other agents in my brokerage, I found the response time to be better and the transaction to be more pleasant generally. In regard to the fee – the agents are able to set their own fees generally speaking. Yes, their brokers may have to sign off on it, but the brokers usually don’t mess with what the agents feel is a reasonable commission for a certain deal. I never reduced my fee just because the other side’s agent was in my brokerage – not sure why that would be common. When you usually see reduced fees is when the agent is both lists their client’s house and helps them buy a new one. My team almost never reduced fees. We had a proven track record, provided many services on top of the usual ones, and honestly, you get what you pay for.

      1. Also, good agents would never push for a higher sale price just to make extra money. Good agents always work for what is best for their client, so unless you are dealing with a shady agent, I wouldn’t worry to much about the agents attempting to get the highest price possible for the house. If the client is not happy in the end (and if you found out you overpaid you definitely wouldn’t be), your business suffers because you don’t get referrals. Real estate is all about referrals.

8. Does the Akris Alexa count as a bucket bag? I got one on super-sale a while ago and don’t use it that much…maybe it’s time to bring it back out if these are getting trendy.

9. I’ve volunteered myself to organise/ coordinate/ edit a charity cookbook. Am I going to be driven up the wall? Have any of you done it before and learnt anything that you wish you had known before you did it (other than ‘don’t do it’?) It’s a cause that’s really worthwhile.

   1. Oh, that sounds fun! I’d love to do that. I bet the only problem will be 1) getting people to actually submit their recipes and and 2) once they do, to include enough details that someone making it for the first time can figure out.

   2. I’m sure you probably already know this, but there are companies that will help you do this. Just google “fundraising cookbook publishing” or similar. We did one for my son’s school years ago and it was pretty easy.

10. OK, I’m going anon for this, but I wanted to ask this question before I bring it up to my OB in a couple of weeks. I’m 18 weeks pregnant (first pregnancy), and I’ve noticed my growing belly isn’t really rounded, but kind of “points” out in the middle. I’m wondering if this is common with all pregnancies, and if it is an indication of diastasis recti beginning? Also, is this something I should ask just my OB about, or another doctor?

    Just wondering if it’s something it would be better to address now (doing exercises, avoiding exercises, whatever) rather than once the kid is born. Thanks for any advice.

    1. Just call your OB and ask! It’s her job, and she’s good at it.

    2. Might be late on this, but I agree with the PT suggestions. Find a good women’s health PT and develop a relationship now and then she will also be helpful post-partum.

11. That sounds like it could be. One thing to know is that physical therapy can help with that. If you do have this, ask your OB about it at your 6 week post partum checkup. I didn’ t know that PT could help with that – and a variety of pelvic floor stuff – until I went to one years after my youngest was born.

12. Advice needed! I have interview for s mid level (manager) position at one of the big four consulting companies – it does say travel could be 80% of the time but I am in a big major metro area and I have s very specialized skill set. It is in an industry that they really want to grow (healthcare) – do you think it could work out that travel would in reality be much lower? 80% travel will be a deal breaker.

    1. I don’t know what big 4 is, but for big 3 (MBB), you can expect 80% or more at Mckinsey, slightly less at BCG but Bain tend to be more office-centric.
       This of course depends on what engagements you would be assigned to.

    2. Maybe, maybe not. Figure out where the healthcare industry clients are in relation to that metro area and if it is commute-able or if you’d be staying in a hotel near a client site. From my experience (Big 4 financial services consulting in NYC), 80% travel is very normal at all levels.

       1. Crap that’s what I’m worried about. I’m located in San Francisco and of course there are tons of healthcare clients around here but figure I can’t count on it. A million years ago before I had kids I worked for Accenture and was lucky enough to be local for 2 years but then got sent to Wisconsin. Now with three kids I just can’t do that… Should I even keep interviewing?

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