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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 166 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Harper Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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The Limited Harper Top | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This top looks great if you're looking for a slightly dressier tee. A lot of details — the buttons at the sleeves, the mixed fabrics, and the colors — remind me of one of my favorite tops for the weekend, but with more polish and a more appropriate neckline for work. I love the jewel colors it's offered in, and the elbow sleeves look great. The top comes in regular, petite, and tall sizes and is available at The Limited for $40. The Limited Harper Top Here's a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. KP

    I’m really liking the A-line skirts with a front slit that I am seeing around lately (for example, JCrew A-Line skirt in bi-stretch cotton), but every time I look at one I wonder would it be crazy inappropriate for work once I sat down. The reviews seem all over the place. Do I need to sit this trend out, or has anyone found one that somehow works? FWIW I am 5’6, pear shaped, BMI in the normal range, and I don’t live somewhere where trying things on is an option, sadly.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this dress-up tee shirt. I think I could get away wearing this to work on a Friday, when I did NOT have any court apearlances, and cleint’s comeing in for a visit.

      As for the OP, I have alot of Aline skirt’s, some with front slits, but you have to watch it once you sit down if the slit is to high b/c you do NOT want men (like Frank) hopeing to look and pan for gold in your crotch — which he has done to me MORE THEN ONE TIME. I have to be VERY careful around him NOT to give him even a hint of what he calls THE “BERMUDA TRYANGLE”, and that is NOT something I want to show HIM anyway. That is reserved for my Husband, not even boyfreind’s get there until we are engaged. Sheketovits was a lucky guy, but he is the last that will gain access like that. We women have to guard against men who will just want sex then walk away, like Sheketovits.

      I hope the HIVE has answers for men like this. I am still struggeling to find a guy who will MARRY me. I have a great job, co-op apartement, and family, as well as FLEETING beauty, yet men shy away from women of substance like me in favor of 23 year olds with tight bodies willing to have sex and give instant favor’s to them for the price of a dinner. FOOEY on that! I refuse to do that to get a man. DOUBEL FOOEY! If the HIVE has a secret to get a decent guy, PLEASE SHARE!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

      • Ann

        Don’t be afraid to be open to suggestions in bed. At your age, you can’t be conservative. Besides, you cAn forget the birth control and voila, instant family!

    • AR

      Whenever I try these on and walk around I always feel exposed, so I’ve never ended up buying skirts with the front slit. But then again, I can be a bit of a prude on these things. Have you bought dresses with a similar front slit? If you like those, you will probably also really like the skirt.

    • Anonymous

      I think the first is long enough for it to be work appropriate. I think they give off a vibe that you may be accidentally wearing your skirt backwards, but maybe I just haven’t seen them around enough to get used to them.

      • padi

        This. I saw the picture and immediately thought, “Why is she wearing the skirt backwards?”.

    • MJ

      I think it depends how tall you are. I bought one of J Crew’s fro t slit a-line skirts thus summer, and yes, they are awkward to sit in unless you are under a table. But the look cute when you are standing…so there’s that.

    • Laura

      I have the Jcrew A-line skirt and really like it. I agree that you need to take care when sitting down, but it’s worth it to me for such a nice skirt. I bought a size bigger than normal so it sits a little lower on my waist, which also helps. It’s really just up to your own personal comfort zone!

  2. Anon

    Hoping if I post this early enough, Kat will notice and respond.

    Kat, can you please update us on the tech issues? It’s becoming really frustrating and features that everyone loved are disappearing (subscribing to comments, editing comments, reporting comments). This website is about its community and the ability to respond to one another

    • Wildkitten

      She did update on the editing comments. Her tech people suck, so it seems like a bare minimum that at least the site is up and working now.

    • AIMS

      Yep, it seems like editing feature took up too much bandwidth and was making s*te have problems so it’s out. Personally, I never liked the report feature and am glad it’s gone (along with all the “sorry I reported you by accident comments). I never understood the point of subscribing. Can’t you just check back in when you have a free minute to see responses to a given thread/question?

      • Bonnie

        It’s much more convenient to keep up with threads through emailed comments than to check back in.

        • Must be Tuesday

          Also, when there are already 100+ comments, it takes a lot of time to skim through and find which ones are new. I prefer getting the new comments sent to my inbox.

    • Anonny

      I will say that I haven’t been able to post comments without a significant delay for months now. It is a rare instance that my original thread posts even show up. I know there are a lot of things people suggest I do to improve that functionality (different browsers,updates to browsers, refreshing, cookies, etc, etc, etc). I assure you, they’ve all been tried and I accept it as the new normal. Also, I accept that my new reality is I just can’t spend the time visiting/commenting as much any longer. I hope Kat gets it fixed with her new tech people at some point, but the tech issues are very on going – not for all I realize, but certainly for some. I love this community and hope it returns to the old normal at some point soon.

    • Anonymous

      I think comments “disappear” perhaps because they are in moderations, but there is no message indicating that they are? We also don’t know which words will land us in moderation, so it becomes difficult to tell what is going on so it seems like things randomly disappear. Maybe some kind of message would help clear things up.

  5. Runner 5

    Whenever websites have their models stand in really bizarre poses like that (just stand up straight!) I always assume it’s because the top just doesn’t look right otherwise. And really, if it doesn’t look good on a model, it’s not going to look good on me.

  6. Sad and Confused

    Sorry for the threadjack, but I’m hoping for some hive advice or internet hugs. My young adult aged son has struggled all his life with some mental health issues, mostly anxiety and depression, with a sprinkle of ADD mixed in. I’ve written about him before, self medicating with pot. Most of you told me to get over it, that pot was no big deal. In the past two years, he’s had two run ins with the police. The first was running away and being charged with resisting arrest when a cop approached him and a group of friends who had open containers of beer (who runs away from that?-must have been the anxiety). We were able to get the resisting arrest charge dismissed. Recently, he had a panic attack while going to see his girlfriend. Girlfriend’s parents became concerned due to some of his comments on the phone (e.g. he had a knife to his throat, he was going to run his car into a wall) and called police. Again, son was charged with a number of offenses. I feel so helpless and have no idea how to help him. His anxiety is off the charts, he couldn’t sleep at all last night and he becomes very agitated and aggressive when he thinks about the situation. He was evaluated by a mobile crisis team, has had two visits with his own therapist with another scheduled for today, and is hopefully being set up to participate for a week or 10 days in a psych partial hospitalization program. My issue, he doesn’t believe that any medications will help him, so he’s never remained consistent with taking an anti anxiety med long term. He takes a rescue med if needed and if someone reminds him of it, but obviously, that’s not working. I just feel like his level of anxiety is so high that as soon as something minor happens, it sends him over the edge. He has never actually attempted suicide and I don’t think he’s suicidal, but he certainly uses the words when he’s in a stressful situation and desperate for someone to listen. I know he’s an adult and there is nothing I can do to change his behavior, but has anyone had any experiences where someone in dire need of mental health help has finally accepted it and turned a corner? Or should I prepare myself for a lifetime of bailing him out of jail and feeling tremendous heartbreak over how I cannot help this person who I love so much?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it’s incredibly hard, and it sounds like you’re doing the absolute best you can possibly do under the circumstances.

      Do you have a therapist for yourself? Finding a therapist with experience with codependency (not because I think you’re codependent, but because I think that’d be the easiest way to screen for someone who is experienced in working with patients whose primary source of distress is another person’s illness/addiction/etc., which is the type of therapist you’ll likely want), could help you work through your side of all of this, and would give you some much-needed support as you make decisions about how to engage with your son.

    • Anonymous

      People run away from the cops when they have drugs on them, or think their friends probably do. And a panic attack doesn’t result in charges by the police.

      I think you need to consider that anxiety may not be the problem. Drugs and violence might be. Or another mental health issue. Schizophrenia is frequently diagnosed at this age.

      Practically, I think you focus on what makes sense for you to do. Driving him to therapy appointments, helping him find treatment options, helping him with lifestyle changes- does he need a job, or a different job- etc. and maybe step back on bailing him out of jail and shielding him from the consequences of his actions. But ultimately I think it’s not a switch either of you turns, it’s a gradual thoughtful process of balancing self-care and compassion, day by day.

      • Anonymous

        And, also, forgiveness. You’re never going to be doing this perfectly. Trust yourself that you are doing the best you can. Getting advice is great, but all it really does is give you more options. It doesn’t make what you are doing wrong.

      • Wildkitten

        People are *regularly* arrested, shot, and/or killed by police officers while having panic attacks.

        • Anonymous

          Right, I totally agree. But a person having a panic attack in their car isn’t ordinarily going to trigger any interaction with the police. I just think it’s worth considering that more than anxiety is happening. I could be completely wrong of course.

          • Anon

            I might be wrong, but I think the series of events here was that (1) he had a panic attack in car while driving to see girlfriend and (2) said panic attack resulted in him saying worrying things on the phone to girlfriend and (3) girlfriend’s parents became concerned and called police. The police arriving on-scene was a result of the conversation with the girlfriend during the panic attack – he wasn’t just sitting in his car having a panic attack and the police happened by and thought ruh-roh, looks like trouble.

        • Anon

          Wow, this is a bit unfair to the police. Do you think that police are regularly walking by a car with someone inside it and arrest/shoot/kill them?

          I would point out that police come into contact with 53 million people a year, about 17% of the population. Only 4% of the population is arrested a year, and that is not even assuming that people are arrested more than once. If they were regularly doing what you say, police would be arresting and killing more than 4% of the population a year.

          • Wildkitten

            I think that we don’t have sufficient social services for people with mental illness and so law enforcement are put into the situation of being a first responder to mental illness without being adequately equipped to respond to what is actually a health emergency. And yes, I think that is unfair to the police.

      • anon

        As someone with a child who has major anxiety and panic attacks all the time, this easily could have been panic.

    • Wildkitten

      My longer comment is in moderation – but call the NAMI helpline: 800-950-NAMI

    • anonforthis

      My now-husband has been down this path and turned the corner after a crisis (all before I met him). Unfortunately, the crisis was pretty bad: he was hospitalized (against his will) following an abortive suicide attempt. He told me that at the time he hated the hospital but that it was instrumental in getting him around that corner. He now views mental health as a similar thing to physical health, which I think normalizes medication and therapy for him. CBT therapy, in particular, was a God-send for him. He’s now considering going back on a low-dose anti-depressant (a work crisis has his anxiety on the upswing).

    • CountC

      I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I am so sorry that your son is struggling with his mental illness. Unfortunately, his resistance to staying on medication is likely going to be the continued barrier to any change in the goings on in his life. Of course you cannot force him to take his medication, so hopefully, his therapist and the treatment program will help him understand that he may need to try several different medications and that they take time to start working. If he understands and believes that, I would imagine he would be more likely to remain on them. Otherwise, I’m not sure there is much you can do. I am so sorry.

    • anon

      I really feel for you. It sounds like he is on his way to where he needs to be. You’re doing your best and that’s all you can ask of yourself. You have to be good to you.

      My child, while younger than yours, has major mental health issues. Mental health issues are tough… others judge which is hard when I am already questioning myself and doing literally everything I can think of to try to help (and spending tons of money since a lot of the things that help aren’t covered by medical insurance). Finally accepting that people are going to judge, going to assume they know and understand the deep issues that I’ve been dealing for years (and I’ve been sitting in countless hours of therapy and doctors appointments while they have not) and that they truly didn’t have a clue helps me. We have good months and bad months, good days and bad days. I try to remember that too.

      Another member of my family recently attempted suicide about 6 weeks ago. That family member entered a treatment program and has turned a major corner, changed medications, got much needed therapy and different types of therapies and is doing better. This person also has substance abuse issues and the substance abuse is also being addressed.

      I hope things look up for you. I believe you’ve given him so many tools to assist him get to a better place.

      • anon

        Re my family member who recently attempted to commit suicide – my family takes turns being the primary contact point for this person so that we can help each other out in terms of dealing with her. It’s hard to talk to her, and rotating this helps. the rotation occurs kind of naturally because she’ll go through a stage where she calls one of us the most, and we just go with that and report to each other during regular conference calls with all family members who are part of her support team. while one person is the primary contact for her, the others help out by researching things like therapies that can help her, availability of support groups, affordable yoga classes, etc. If you can share the load however you can, it will help you tremendously and help your son too.

    • MDMom

      What a difficult situation. My son is still in diapers so I can’t help you with any personal experience in that sense, but I do work in a field where we frequently encounter people with mental health issues and the families supporting them. I think a lot of great suggestions have already been made (NAMI support, therapy for yourself to help you cope, driving him to therapy etc). The only thing I would add is maybe you could focus on helping by bolstering the positive things in his life. Obviously your love and support is one of those things. Does he work? have any hobbies? If not, maybe you could encourage him along those lines- for instance, encouraging him to join a young adult sports league for a sport he used to play as a kid. I think successful recovery for people in these situations often includes bolstering positive things in their life that bring confidence and joy. I don’t know if your son would be receptive to your suggestions in this area. Other than that, you just have to continue to love him unconditionally and find some way to make peace with your limited ability to help him. How you do the latter, I have no idea.

    • Anon for this

      My partner’s sister struggles with depression, anxiety, and is has been in and out of hospitalization for the past 3 years. His mother committed suicide 5 years ago after battling depression, and his grandmother was in and out of hospitals in the era that electroshock therapy was used, until she basically became mentally unsound due to treatments. Basically it runs in the females in his family. And we spend a lot of time handling these issues. Its really really hard when someone is over 18 and doesn’t want treatment but these pieces are critical for us:

      1) Finding her a therapist that also is a yoga instructor. His sister doesn’t like drugs. Finding her a therapist who also believes in a whole person approach and is very holistic but also believes in drugs occasionally has really helped her warm up to the idea. I researched for the right fit for weeks.

      2) Finding her another person who is therapist. We do not use this person as a therapist but for a life coach/planner. This person simply calls up once a week to see how her goals are coming along for applying for jobs, going to yoga, going to therapy etc. They meet in person once a month. She is a neutral party that is not involved in any of the family drama. She has permission to talk with the therapist in the therapist role so she is aware of any progress or problems in that area. She gently pushes his sister toward her goals of becoming more independent.

      3)Finding a circle of support for his sister. Friends, family friends, family etc. These people are willing to check in with her and report back to the group both positive interactions and any worries they might have. His sister is NOT a pleasant person to be around some times. Think: doesn’t bathe, is depressed so won’t really talk, refuses to pick up phone/leave house. It took us a while to find this circle of support but even she had people that were willing to step up to the plate. The circle of support sends emails to each other saying “hey called up so and so and she didn’t answer at all last week…has anyone heard from her?” or “got her to go out for coffee! It was great!” We try to make sure that all of the circle of support doesn’t go out of town on the same week. We currently do not live near her at all so I do a lot of the calling of insurance companies etc because we can’t help out in person.

      4) Family therapy. His sister is welcome to attend these meetings (over skype) but never chooses to. Basically this is a place where we brainstorm, share concerns, feelings etc and have a mediator that helps us out. Because the care giver role is hard, especially if the patient is refusing to allow you to help them. This is a support time for the caregiver. His dad, my partner, myself, and occasionally someone from his circle of support do this once a month, or more if in a crisis situation. This is key for us because there is a lot of family history and drama so this allows us to work together as a team.

      5) We have a created a plan. This lays out when we will call 911. This shares how much money, time, energy, etc that we will support her with. If she needs to move in with someone, who will let her move in. We are open with this plan with her. We also check in with this plan constantly to make sure its up to date. But then in crisis moments we don’t get into that position where you are like…She says not to call 911, but she called me at 2 am saying she didn’t feel safe… We now just follow what we decided in the plan. If she wants 2,000 dollars to go on a road trip, but hasn’t been to her therapist in weeks…do I give her this money- what does the plan say? It creates healthy boundaries for everyone. And also allows us all to blame the plan. We were getting in positions where she would not want to interact with the person who called 911 or refused her money, and so her father was always giving her what she wanted out of guilt and not wanting to be cut off from her. Now she knows its a united front and all of us would have had to have made that same call.

      I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions. Its such a hard position. Make sure you also get support.

      • Anonymous

        I can tell you worked hard on your setup, and I think it’s really great that you all care so much, and have planned accordingly. It can be hard to take care of people when they don’t want to be taken care of and don’t appreciate it, let alone be practical. Hugs and high fives for you.

      • Mary

        Wow. I am so impressed at all of the coordinated effort going into supporting her. We have some significant mental health issues in our family, and lots of people do lots of things to try to help, but the coordination and organization you have going on is great. I’ll have to think about how to apply that in our family.

        • Anon for this

          Just to be clear this took years to set up, with lots of bumps in the road. Its still not perfect – his sister will not go to therapy always, randomly stop taking her meds, take her father’s car and just drive away…but at least we have a system in place now. And it took finding therapists that were willing to work with this out of the box approach. Most therapists don’t like to be called a “life coach” for example but we found one that understood we needed two people. One person to listen to her feelings and not pressure her, and one person to help her organize and gently push her towards life goals. Anyways basically yes not easy, but finally feeling good about the system.

      • Anon

        This is such good advice. I have a similar situation, and this is all the stuff that I WISH my partner’s family would do to deal with his brother’s major mental illness. Especially the family therapy.

        I will say that getting into therapy himself has been the absolute most important thing for my partner. He sees a pscychologist (as opposed to a social worker, etc), which has been key. He’s a great therapist, but just as importantly, he provides an expert opinion on what kind of interventions are more likely to be effective given the brother’s diagnosis, and gently lets my partner know when his expectations (about his brother recovering fully) are unlikely to happen.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      This advice is firmly in the “your mileage may vary camp” but I have some experience on the law enforcement side of this. If possible, get to know the law enforcement that your son is likely to encounter. You can schedule meetings with the community police officer for your town.

      One problem mentally ill people face is that the outside world doesn’t know if they are a dangerous criminal or if they are mentally ill. When police encounter a potentially dangerous situation, they have to make a lot of split second decisions.. They do that based on the information available to them. When the police have a “frequent flyer” they know to be mentally ill, they will sometimes respond differently than they will someone new to them that is more unpredictable.

      Try to make sure your son doesn’t have access to weapons. If he doesn’t, that is something that can come up in conversation in your “getting to know you” meetings. Get some tips from the law enforcement community on how your son can manage police interactions when managing his anxiety. See if he will work with his therapist and mental health professional on this. Role play. If he can just remember to keep his hands out of his pockets for example it can make a huge difference.

      One very basic line he can use is “I need an ambulance.” We know this doesn’t always work (see the NY case) but the police are supposed to call for medical help when requested.

      If you have good police in your neighborhood, if they know his issues, they might not bother him if he’s just sitting on a bench not bothering anyone else. Or if they get a call about him, they might pre-emptively bring EMS or a negotiator or someone better trained in mental health.

      If you do have to call 911, focus on the mental health crisis, not your own safety, if possible. There is a big difference between a call that says “I’m afraid my son is about to kill me” and “My son suffers from mental illness, is having an emergency, and I need assistance getting him to the hospital.” The response you get is very different to those two statements.

      I can’t say any of this advice will work. I only have small town experience. The police are more likely to take a more compassionate route if they know your son and know his struggles than if he is a stranger they encounter mid-crisis.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Also, for other people this could help, this is good advice for anyone who may have issues with the police besides the mentally ill. This includes the hard of hearing, autistic children, people with Alzheimer. At least in the towns I’m familiar with, a note will go in your dispatch record with your address and name and registration. If any of those are searched, the police will get a heads up based on what is in there.

        So, police see commotion at 125 Main Street and call in to dispatch to say they are checking it out. Dispatch replies “be advised, 75 year old resident suffers from Alzheimer and is had of hearing.” When the police yell a command and he doesn’t reply, they should now know it’s not disobedience, but that he likely didn’t hear it or couldn’t comprehend it.

      • Mary

        You might also inquire if your community has a crisis intervention team (CIT), and let your family and those close to him know to request CIT if there are future calls.

    • AFT45

      Huge hugs to you. I have a preteen who suffers from the same mix as you — anxiety, depression, and ADD. Your post brings so many fears to the forefront for me. I don’t have any advice for you, but know that I am with you in spirit.

      I do hope that by being open about these issues — even in an anonymous internet forum — we can help people understand mental illness more.

    • AlsoAnonForThis

      I’m not sure you’ll see this at this point, but this sounds very much like what my brother went through in early high school (when I was in late high school). He was in our local mental health hospital for a week following a self-harm episode that verged on suicide attempt. It was a turning point for him. We did a few family therapy sessions there which were good, if not ground-breaking. I’m not sure what other therapies he did in that week (I’m betting it was a mix of individual and group therapy sessions?), but he really did seem to have turned a corner afterward.

      The best help after the hospitalization was the psychiatrist he’d already been working with for ADHD medicine. My brother was open (I guess? It’s been a long time now.) to medications, but it took a long time for him to find the right one and the right dosage. Eventually he did find one that worked for him and continues to take it, almost ten years later.

      For what it’s worth, college really helped my brother as well, perhaps because he’d already picked out a graduate program he wanted to attend, which was motivating. He’s since graduated, found a job in his field, moved out on his own… it really is amazing how far he’s come. There is hope!

  7. Meg March

    I have no help, but lots of hugs. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself throughout this process.

  8. Anno

    Ladies,

    I think I need to consult with an employment lawyer who specializes in wage and labor law. I don’t know if any of my colleagues read this blog, so I need to be a little vague. I am an attorney working as an outside contractor in the legal group of a large metro dc area corporation. Earlier this year, a corporate reorganization left me with a far heavier work load than I previously had, however my boss would not allow me to bill over 40 hours. For several months now I have been struggling to fit 60 hrs of work into a 40 hr week, and have had to work a lot of unpaid overtime for fear of losing my job. Does anyone know a law firm in the Metro DC area that specializes in wage and labor disputes?

  9. anonnonanon

    Would you rather work 40 hours a week for 90K or 60-80 hours a week for 250K? And why?

    • Anonymous

      60-80 for $250k.

      Why? I’m single, and working a lot of hours doesn’t affect me in the same way, and I want the extra money to be able to save for retirement in the most efficient way possible, and build a larger emergency fund. I also think as a single person, I can pretty easily throw money at most of the time consuming things in life- hire a housekeeper, and have groceries delivered, easy. I also don’t have a spouse bringing in any income, so it’s not like 40 hours a week with shared expenses and a second income, on which I think I’d be pretty fine at 90k.

      If I was in a relationship, I think my answer would be the same. My answer would only change if kids or sick relatives were in the equation.

      In real life, I’m somewhere in the middle of your two options, and I’m pretty content.

    • Anonymous

      40 hours/week at 90k, because I value my free time and sanity over money. And 90k is still a huge salary compared to what the average person makes, even though it seems small to a big city big law salary.

      • Anon

        +1 for the same reasons. And I actually made almost this exact job switch (although it was giving up earning potential, not an actual pay cut). There were some other workplace culture issues at play, as well. FWIW, I’m in a relationship and about to have my first baby (but made this switch over a year ago because I still valued these things without kids in the picture).

      • Meg Murry

        +1 for the same, and because I’ve never even made 90k (LCOL area), even when I was working 70-80 hours a week. Although at that time, I sure would have liked to earn $250k for it.

        I think if the question is really – would you rather earn X for 40 hr/week or 2.5-3X for 60-80 hr/week? At this point in my life, X for 40 hr/week as long as it can pay my mortgage and daycare bill, but I would at least considered the 60-80 hr/week option when I was younger and didn’t have kids (although I probably would have blown way too much of the money being young and frivolous and still had nothing to show for it).

        And if I really had my druthers, I’d take 0.5X for 20-30 hours a week, again as long as I could pay my reasonable mortgage. Right now, time is my most precious commodity.

      • Parfait

        +another 1. That’s plenty of money, even in my HCOL city, and I get absolutely miserable when I don’t have any free time.

    • Sydney Bristow

      60-80 hours for 250k for a couple of years. I already regularly work 60 hours a week for a lot less than 250k. I’d do it only as long as it took to pay off my student loans.

    • Cat

      For my life right now, I’ve chosen the 60-80 for $250K – it enabled me to pay off my law school loans, get a good start on retirement savings, and get great career experience. However, I’m in the process of moving to a job in between the two examples you give, because I’m tired of having just the scraps of energy left over for my husband, family and friends. Particularly as an introvert and needing alone time to recharge, this type of job feels like that old saying about MIT (or substitute any high-pressure school) – work / friends / sleep, pick 2.

    • Shayla

      40 hours/week at 90k because kids and family are in the picture.

      If I were in Anonymous at 10:48 (Single, no spouse, no kids, no sick relatives) I would definitely do 60-80 for $250k.

    • Anonymous

      40 hours for 90K. I was in Big Law for several years and was working 60-70 hour weeks regularly. I’m very burned out and am ready to see my family again, play with my dog, hang out with friends, have time to cook, etc. Plus we just moved to a low cost of living area where 90K is roughly market pay for associates at large firms. (But my answer would be the same even if it were 40 hours for 40K or 60-80 hours for 90k or something like that). I’m ready to have a life again!!!

    • WP

      If my DH and I weren’t TTC, I would work 60-80 hours/week for $250k two years – long enough to pay off my student loans ($130k). When I was in private practice, I worked that many hours for a third of that salary. It was tolerable for the first few years, but I eventually became burned out. I had no energy for my then BF (now DH), no time or energy to exercise regularly, and I was constantly stressed out. I finally landed a job in house, and while I work more than 40 hours/week, I don’t work nearly as many hours as I did in private practice. I have the time and energy to exercise again, spend time with family and friends, and I’m much happier overall.

    • CountC

      I am single, no kids, but have lots of hobbies that I enjoy. I’ve done the 80 hr weeks while single, no kids, and it sucked the life out of me. 40 hrs a week at $90k all day long. I do live in a LCOL area though, so $90k goes fairly far. I don’t care about paying loans for the rest of my life – may sound dumb, but it’s just something that’s in my budget and I am used to it. I’d rather have free time to enjoy my life and less money than more money and no free time (been there, done that, HATED it).

      • Anonymous

        Another singleton with no kids who’d chose the 40 hour week. I have hobbies that are far more important to me, and I can’t outsource a long run or a game of fetch with my dog (I can outsource the act of exercising him, but not the joy I get from spending time with him and maintaining the bond we have).

    • cbackson

      60-80 for $250K, which is what I currently do. But I love my job and have a better-than-average ability to manage stress without significant emotional impact (years of therapy to manage my natural tendency to anxiety + prozac + an innate tendency to function best when under pressure). If I didn’t like my job and/or needed a more relaxed pace to be happy and sane, I wouldn’t do this.

    • Anon

      I’m actually job hunting for 60-80 for $250k right now. I’m single, no kids, desperately want my SLs gone, and want to put a down payment down on a condo. I’m prepared to sell my soul for a couple years to make that happen.

      I’m working about 35 hours a week for $75k right now and I’m bored and money’s tight.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I don’t think that is a question that can be so easily answered. Is it within the same company? What are the job responsibilities? How long, as in years, would you be expected to work those long hours? Commute time? Potential for advancement and networking? Is it really 40 hours or will it end up being closer to 50? Just focusing on the hours v. salary is limiting. Just because someone is single does not mean they should accept a job with insane hours. If you want to meet someone, or just have a personal life in general, working 60-80 hours a week may not be the way to go. If you have student loans or want to retire early, then maybe working those hours for the salary is worth it for you. Personally, I value my personal life, relationships, traveling, flexibility, etc. Even though I’m single now, I intend to live a full life and enjoy every minute of it, not necessarily spend every minute in the office, though there is a lot of that too.

    • Anon100

      40 hours a week for 90K because 90k is already more than twice my current salary.

    • Must be Tuesday

      40 hours. I’d rather have time to do things outside of work, and $90k is more than enough to live on comfortably, even extravagantly (relatively speaking) for 1 person.

    • houda

      I’d take the higher paying job because I have seen first hand what it is like to be short on money.
      Having disposable income would make so many things in my life much easier. This might change if I ever get in a relationship or have kids.

  10. Anonymous

    For those of you that have had depression recurrently, when did you decide to go on medication?

    I’ve been depressed in the past, and the past couple of months have been not great, and my therapist and I have been going back and forth on whether I should go back on meds. I’ve taken them twice, each time for about 2 years, and I’ve been off for the last few. I know they can help a lot, but I don’t like the side effects, and I might be fine in a few months.

    • Wildkitten

      You should talk to an M.D. to see if a different anti-depressant would result in fewer side effects for you.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve tried many of them, I know which one is most effective and has the least side effects for me, it just results in terrible insomnia (think 2 hours a night of sleep) for around 2 months, which is miserable. Once I adjust, it’s actually low on side-effects, but the on-ramp is really rough.

        • Carrie...

          Sorry to hear about your hard time.

          Have you been through not only the SSRIs (of which there are many), but the SNRIs (cymbalta, effexor) or mirtazapine (which actually helps sleep)?

          2hrs sleep is not an acceptable side effect. I hear you. But it is just during the ramp up period (2 months is very unusual…) perhaps you use a sleep aid during that time and then taper off the sleep aid.

          I might also reconsider staying on meds long term. 3 times on/off, with a rough taper sounds like a good reason to just stay on a long dose.

          Good luck. Hang in there.

          • Anonymous

            I agree that maybe a long-term solution should be considered, rather than starting-stopping-starting. I’ve dealt with depression for 10 years and though there were periods I thought I could taper or go off them, symptoms came back to bite me in the butt. It took 6 months working with a psychiatrist (who had been an ER doc) to figure out a balance right for me. As for the no-sleeping side effect, there should be another medication you could take temporarily to help you out with that (since no sleep = feeling worse). Good luck!

    • cbackson

      I cried every day for six months, and then I was like…hey, I remember the last time I felt this way. And prozac helped (and is helping again).

    • CountC

      I know my levels of depression well enough now (17 years of it), that I know immediately when it’s the level that will require medication for me to move past and I will get on them immediately. As for insomnia, have you spoken to your doc about it? I have always taken sleep aids with my depression meds. I take sleep aids even when I am not taking depression meds!!

  11. job help for $500, alex

    I feel a little ridiculous asking this question, but here goes: I’m beginning a clerkship next month and had settled on a start date with the judge’s chambers. Yesterday, my fiance got a call inviting him to fly to LA to appear on Jeopardy. (!) He’ll be gone during what was supposed to be my first week of work and has asked me to come with him.

    I emailed the judge’s assistant and asked if there was any flexibility; she said she could contact HR to see what would work. I didn’t tell her that I was asking so that I could take a mini-vacation to California to watch a game show taping, ha.

    Would it be unprofessional for me to adjust the start date? Should I tell them why, or does that sound too cheesy to be valid? It’s also a heck of a lot of money — Trebek isn’t paying for plane tickets or hotels, and one of the future cohabitators that’s posted lately. I’m antsy about missing out on a week of work, but maybe I should chill out. Fiance really wants me to go. What should I do?

    • job help for $500, alex

      Supposed to read: “I’m one of the cohabitators that’s posted lately.” Which is just to say that the moving expenses are adding up quickly. Wherever I end up this week, here’s hoping he wins!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      As the AskAManager commentariat would say, I think this is a “know your office” situation. I have worked for people who would’ve thought this was the coolest thing ever and wouldn’t bat an eye at moving a start date or granting a vacation request for something like this, and I’ve worked at other places where it would’ve been looked down on – without knowing your judge or your co-clerks, it’s almost impossible to say how it’ll be received.

      • bridget

        This.

        With the caveat: err on the side of assuming that it’s unprofessional. Adjusting a start date can sometimes be easy – and sometimes create a huge headache for the judge and extra work for your co-clerks.

        Also, yes, your fiance should be excited – that’s completely awesome! – but shouldn’t he also be supporting YOU in your career? It’s hard as heck out there in the legal profession right now; why is he pressuring you to ditch off work before you’ve even started?

    • MDMom

      I clerked on a state appellate court. My judge would have been completely fine with this, especially if I told him why. It’s a unique and unforeseeable experience! Plus you are only adjusting the start date by a week right? If they do have issues, maybe you could offer to start earlier if they’ll let you take vacation that week. In any event, I don’t think it’s unprofessional to ask for a change in start date with a month’s notice.

    • Anono

      Clerk here. If your start date was scheduled for the first day after the former clerk leaves, then the judge does not want to have a gap. So it’s not about “chilling out” about “missing a week of work.” Your judge probably wants the coverage. However, if your start date was set based on some other factor, it might be ok to ask. Also, if your judge is cool, and you know that, you can ask. Otherwise, sorry. A term clerkship is pretty set.
      (Finally, the JA is not in charge of you, your start date, your hours, anything. You can’t ask him / her about this stuff, nor is HR the appropriate body. Just the judge. All time off is at his / her discretion, since you’re not an employee of the clerk’s office and are not covered by the Leave Act.)

      • job help for $500, alex

        Thanks for this. I should’ve noted that as a current clerk for a lower court, I’m sensitive to the coverage issue. Chambers has indicated that there’s significant flexibility in start dates; I was told that any time within a six-week period would work, and two of my three co-clerks are starting after me. Also, the JA just noted that the judge doesn’t mind if there’s a break between clerks.

    • Pippi

      I would definitely not tell them why, and I do think it’s borderline unprofessional to push back a start date for a non-emergency. Especially for a judge and a clerkship.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        I agree, but if they have made it clear that the start date is flexible, then you can see what they say. I wouldn’t say my fiancé is going on Jeopardy, unless you happen to know the judge is a huge fan! It’s a great opportunity, but not a real milestone i.e.:wedding, family member’s due date, etc. Maybe try to come back the day after your fiancé participates. Do you really need the whole week?

    • Anonymous

      You should start your clerkship on time. It’s a fixed term job, don’t start off on the wrong foot.

    • Scarlett

      I don’t think you can “know your office” well enough before you start a job to say why, but if there’s flexibility I wouldn’t get into the reason in detail. After you start, you could have a really fun story to share later.

    • lawsuited

      I would start on the previously agreed upon date and forego the trip. There’s no way for you to know yet whether your judge would be majorly annoyed or totally cool with it, so I’d err on the side of caution/

      Fiance will just have to win Jeopardy without you!

      • Anon

        +1. The female anchors of Fox News make my feminist blood boil, but she and the other moderators did a really good job. I was so surprised that Fox News was able to put on a legitimate event.

        Other than that, I’m a dem who really liked John Kasich…which of course means he doesn’t stand a chance with the tea party.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think John Kasich did pretty well. I think he was the candidate most likely to have a shot at getting independents. I don’t know that anyone really “won” though. There were really too many candidates on stage.

      The main debate was way better than what I saw of the earlier one. At least they engaged each other in the main one. The early one was like a group Q&A.

    • Daydreamer

      I think Harper, Trudeau and Mulcair were all pretty even, no one made huge blunders

      Elizabeth May also did a great job, but the Greens aren’t really viable, so it’s irrelevant.

      • Anon

        Cheers to you for the well-done international reference ;)

        I actually sat next to a Canadian family last night who came to the bar because they heard there was going to be a big screening there. They had a good time and I enjoyed talking to them about their race as well. I was surprised how much they knew about each of our candidates.

        • Runner 5

          I think the whole world knows about your candidates. Mainly because we’re all terrified of Trump.

          • Runner 5

            At least you can vote for/ contribute to the other candidates. We’re the foxes in the headlights, transfixed by fear, unable to do anything.

          • Em

            “Mainly because we’re all terrified of Trump”

            +1,000

            his running totally de-letigimizes the entire party. hhehehehehe.

          • SuziStockbroker

            My husband taped both the Canadian leadership debate and the US debate last night. Guess what we (and our big kids 11-13) are doing this weekend?

        • lawsuited

          Didn’t Boston withdraw from the 2024 Olympic bid? I don’t think anybody took it from them…

        • waffles

          Is there a s!te online where I can stream the US debate? I’m in Canada too, and although we PVR’d the Canadian debate, we don’t subscribe to any channels which were broadcasting the US debate. I would love to see it!

  13. furniture rec?

    I’m looking for a high quality queen-sized bed frame with headboard and I want it to be raised so that I can store things underneath (two ppl sharing a ~600 sq ft space!). Any recommendations? Seems like anything that is raised that I’ve seen is just a metal frame.

    • Anon

      Get a metal frame, buy separately and attach whatever decorative headboard you want, and use the plastic bed risers you can get at BBB. Note: you will need to order an extra-long bedskirt – the ones in stores are generally too short.

    • KT

      We just bought a gorgeous cherry wood storage bed with a lovely headboard. It has 4 deep drawers (2 on each side) as the base, so I can have plenty of storage but not have bedskirts (which I hate).

    • Anon

      Pottery barn has a nice set where you have the drawers underneath. On the pricey side, though.

    • Anonymous

      West Elm used to have a bed that had drawers underneath that didn’t look like it should belong in a kid’s room.

    • Sydney Bristow

      We have a storage bed from Gothic Cabinet. It is awesome. Ours doesn’t have a headboard, but I think you can add one.

  14. Dealing with Mom

    Any advice on redefining a parent-child relationship? Books to read?

    I’m supposed to spend 2 weeks soon with my mom helping with my grandparents’ estate. My mom’s a lovely woman, very sweet, but I can only take her in very small doses. I’m dreading two whole weeks together.

    She talks to me like I’m 4. Imagine a conversation you’d have with a preschooler, complete with perky voice: “How was your day today? Was school fun? What a pretty picture!” That’s how it is when my mom speaks to me. I, in turn, respond like a totally mature (sarcasm) teenager with eyerolling and huffing, and if we’re kept together long enough, eventually yelling. It’s a horrible pattern that I want to change, not the least because I’m a successful 30-something and should be fully capable of behaving like one.

    More than once, I’ve had a new friend comment after meeting her, “Your mom’s so sweet! But wow, she really babies you, doesn’t she?”

    I can be civil for about 36 hours, but after that, I can hardly control my temper. I feel like a terrible person for losing my cool with her when she’s just being sweet. I’m her only child and she was a single mom, so we’re all each other has. Advice on changing this dynamic?

    • espresso bean

      This sounds challenging. I think the best thing to keep in mind is that you can’t change her, but you can change your reaction to her. Can you also control the amount of time you spend together? Even if you’re spending two weeks together, can you stay in separate rooms at a hotel? Arrange to have an hour or two of alone time a day? Suddenly need to “work” (or whatever it is that your mom will accept as a reason for you to go park at a Starbucks for a few hours)?

      Good luck. I know it isn’t easy, but you sound like you’re coming from a good place, and that’s half the battle!

    • Anonymous

      Not mom specific, but when I am stuck with relatives for 2 weeks I become a very committed runner. Every day, without fail. It gives me a little breather to recharge. I also go to “bed” super early for a couple hours of reading and alone time. I def can’t change my crazy Aunt, but I can get through the time without yelling if I work to have some time alone.

        • Anon

          +1000. When I’m home, my workouts vary in duration and type. When visiting my in-laws, I run 7-8 miles a day without fail, because I am guaranteed almost an hour of peace :)

      • Runner 5

        I do this too. In my family it’s not the done thing to go to be by yourself just because you need alone time, but curling up to read a book is totally okay. As is going for a walk. So I do a lot of walking and a lot of reading.

      • anne-on

        Yup. If I’m stuck at home or with difficult family getting in time to workout and going to bed ‘early’ to red/decompress is key. As is offering to run any and all errands, groceries? I’m on it! Need to take some donations to goodwill? I’ll do that! The time alone is key to preserving my sanity….and wine…lots of wine.

    • Anonymous

      On that subject, anyone have advice for dealing with a mother who does that – and is a bully when called on it? I love her, but being around her is like swimming in jellyfish-infested waters: everything is great and fun, then WHAM!

      • Blonde Lawyer

        My mother can’t take criticism at all so I just don’t criticize her. I become a total “yes man” when I’m there. “Does this dress look good?” “Perfect.” She also likes to do everything herself so instead of debating her I play the role of lazy slob but make sure to thank her profusely for her contributions. This is what she prefers. I swear she has martyr syndrome. “Aw, you cleared my plate for me. Thanks, mom!” “Wow, you did my laundry. Thanks!” (I also don’t bring anything I don’t want to go in the dryer. And like others, I run errands, work out or go to bed when I can’t take it anymore.

    • LAnon

      For a long time, my mom treated me like I was still a teenager – which sort of made sense since I stopped living at home once I left for college. I used to revert right back to “teenager” mode when she would treat me that way – exactly what you are describing. Literally stomping and slamming doors and saying, “MOM. STOOOPPP.” and things like that.

      Finally I wound up leveraging my friends and other acquaintances as a way to bring up these issues. When I was 29 and she spent an entire meal criticizing my table manners (things like how I held my fork and passing the salt without the pepper as well) in front of my boyfriend, I later told her that it was humiliating to be treated like a child in front of an adult man who I respect and love – and who I want to respect and love me, too! I told her, “When there are other adults around, it is very embarrassing for me to be treated like a teenager. I get very mad and frustrated because I am feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed.” That was enough to help her change how she saw me – at first, I think she was just sort of humoring me by treating me like a “grown-up”, but quickly realized that I WAS an actual “grown-up”, and that changed how she treated me in private as well as in public. (I knew telling my mother that I was embarrassed would really hit home because she is super sensitive and easily embarrassed.)

    • Parfait

      Oh god, there’s a perfect Monty Python sketch about this.

      Mum: Ooh, he’s a clever little boy – he’s a clever little boy. Do you like your rattle? Do you like your rattle? Look at his little eyes following it … look at his iggy piggy piggy little eyeballs eh… oo… he’s got a tubby tum-tum. Oh, he’s got a tubby tum-tum.

      Son: Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea please. I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.

      • Senior Attorney

        LOL, I am constantly telling my son “What a clever little boy! SUCH a clever little boy!!” Must be done in the Monty Python accent, of course.

    • anon a mouse

      You might check out The Dance of Anger – it has good information for trying to reframe these sorts of situations that end up in yelling.

  15. Vitamix

    I really want to invest in a Vitamix, but every time I think I’m ready to pull the trigger, I’m overwhelmed by all the options and just don’t do it. Does anyone have one? And how did you know which model to get? And can someone just tell me which one to buy? Ha.

    • Daydreamer

      I would love to know about others with a Vitamix also! I really want one, but I too haven’t been able to make a choice.

    • Sydney Bristow

      We just got one as a wedding gift. We got the 5200 and Ellen-caps LOVE it. We’ve used it multiple times a week since we got it and it works perfectly for smoothies. I haven’t tried soups yet but have blended peaches for ice cream. I love absolutely everything about it.

      The thing I was surprised by, which is my favorite feature, is that it is its own dishwasher. When you’re ready to clean it, you just fill it halfway with water, add a tiny bit of dish soap, and turn it on high for 30-60 seconds. Then just rinse it out. That makes it light years ahead of cheap blenders which I always found a pain to clean. This means we can use it super frequently.

      For what it’s worth, we got the previous version of the 5200. There is a newer model with a different shaped container. After reading the reviews, it seems that the old style works better.

    • in-house life

      SO bought the professional series 750 one a while back and absolutely loves it. I was incredibly skeptical of the price point and whether it could possibly be worth it, but he uses it at least twice a day every day and says it’s the best appliance purchase he’s ever made. FWIW, it’s easy enough to use that I can make a smoothie in it, and I’m completely non-functional in the kitchen (as in, I couldn’t figure out how to use the Ninja blender thing for the life of me).

    • A Nonny Moose

      I got a reconditioned 1891 and really like it. From what I’ve heard “reconditioned” usually means someone bought it and returned it because they decided it wasn’t worth the expense.

      If I had to do it again,though, I would get one that fits under the counters. I think only one of them does. We have more free counter space than cabinet space, though, so ymmv.

      • Clementine

        Yes! I just got a reconditioned blender (via Amazon) for $299 and I love, love, LOVE it.

        It really truly is head and shoulders above the many other well-reviewed, consumer reports approved blenders I’ve owned. I am a big fan of smoothies, but would lament that my green smoothies always had gross chunks of kale or spinach in them. NO MORE. My smoothies are smoothie bar quality every stinking time.

        Once you get yours (which you totally should), a delicious dessert is just to blend lemonade and ice into a frozen lemonade. 4oz lemonade + 8oz ice (I use crushed out of the fridge) equals a fabulous less than 100 calorie summer dessert.

    • Em

      I got the basic one (with hi/low and on/off) at BBB since they have 20% off and we weren’t costco members yet. Now, I’d just wait for a costco special and get it then.

      • Sydney Bristow

        For what it’s worth, I’ve read a bunch of reviews and it seems like the ones from Costco are slightly different and people have more complaints. Although Costco lets you return anything, so it’s probably not worth worrying about too much.

    • Anonymous

      I have the S30 and LOVE it. I live alone so that size is perfect for me, and I didn’t need the pre-programmed speed variations. The stuff I make doesn’t take very long so I’m fine standing there and adjusting it manually.

      I use it for smoothies, dip, frosting, nut butters, blending, slushes, food processing, etc. I use it more than my kitchenaid now.

    • Bonnie

      We have the 750 and love it. In addition to smoothies, I also make a lot of soups in it using the soup feature. In the winter, I throw in whatever veggies we have on hand with broth and spices and have instant hot soup.

    • Vitamix

      This is awesome – thanks everyone!!! Gonna use some of those wedding gift cards…

  16. EB0220

    A few weeks ago, I asked the hive for advice about a trip with my family that my husband did not want to go on. Thanks to your advice, we reached a very fair compromise and agreed that we would all go on this trip. We started making plans and all was well (we thought). Then we learned that my sister’s husband’s family/friends were invited to come for at least half of the time we are planning to be there. We are pretty annoyed because a) no one asked us before extending this invitation and b) it was hard enough to agree to vacation with my family, let alone with my sister’s in-laws! I need perspective. Is my irritation justified?

    • Anonymous

      Is this the one where they live out of the country and have a new baby? If this trip is also a way for his side to meet baby I get it. I would be annoyed too but you’re going.

      I do think you should say something though “hey, I agreed to come on a family vacation. And now we’re inviting other people too, without checking in with me. That’s not cool.”

        • Anonymous

          Yeah I think you’re going on a meet the new baby trip then. Make some of your own plans while you’re there, and next time don’t go. Although I still think your husband is being a jerk about this. The trip is so you can see your sisters baby, and that’s exciting and awesome and so not about him at all.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        It’s a family trip. Sister’s husband’s family is family too. Maybe the trip will be better with other friends there too. More people your age to socialize with? It’s common when ex-pats are in town to try to have everyone visit because it is their only opportunity. My husband attending a wedding where he didn’t know anyone, as a plus one to his male ex-pat friend, just because the wedding was near our town and it was one of his few opportunities to see ex-pat friend. You have to realize you treat ex-pats a bit different than your friend down the road, particularly when they have a new baby! I basically cancel any plans I have whenever an out of town friend is randomly in town since it is the only time I see them. I just don’t see how this part really involves you. Citing from my state’s divorce law, equitable is not always equal.

    • AR

      Curious to know – what was the compromise with your husband for going on the trip?

      It looks like for this trip you all are just along for the ride. Maybe just note it and politely decline the next trip. I say be annoyed then go and try and have fun by planning your own trips, etc.

      I do agree with Blonde Lawyer that ex-pats kind of have the trump card on trips. However, this does not give them the right to walk all over you. Fair warning and some co-planning is something friends/family should do.

  17. Anon

    If you had a line on a super job opening coming up and could get your resume in front of the hiring folks early, but it was almost inevitable that your current employer would find out (and be rather cranky), would you send it along anyway? Any tips on how to handle it right if it were to come up with your current employer?

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      They can’t fire you for applying to another position. I say go for it!

      • Wildkitten

        Sure they can, but if they’re that big of jerks and you have an opportunity for your dream job, take it.

      • Employment lawyer

        Yes, they can. Absent a contractual agreement to the contrary, an employer can fire an employee for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason (provided that it isn’t discriminatory).

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