Coffee Break: Shayla Pointy Toe Pump

114 Comments

1. So I’m in the last two weeks of my master’s program and I just don’t care anymore. I submitted an assignment late for probably the first time since high school. I have a 4.0, so I’m in no danger of not graduating, but I have a giant research project to wrap up and I can’t sit still long enough to focus. I’m also in the middle of a big project at work and coming down with some sort of throat thing. Uggggh. Motivate me!

   1. I got nothing for you friend. I am once semester away from my masters and I am PHONING it in. I’m sure its fine and you will get an A anyway. At this point in the semester your instructor expects A work from you and isn’t going to bust chops over a missed deadline for a non-major assignment.

      1. Solidarity! We can do this.

         1. Yes, but we should listen to all these go-getters! They have way better advice than I do.

   2. Here’s your butt kick. You got this far. How awesome would it be to graduate with a 4.0? You are so close! Don’t blow it now. You will kick yourself forever. If we were talking a 3.7 vs. 3.8 I’d say what evs but a 4.0 is a big accomplishment. Hold onto it!

      1. This was the motivation I used in law school… Did you ever run races? The last 100m are when you push the hardest when you think there’s nothing left in you; you give it all you have left. You can do it! Not a runner?
         I also used to think of it like “in 10 days from right now, I will be going out to dinner” and “in 7 days from now, I can take a nap and go shopping, guilt-free of spending time on frivolous things.” But you gotta get through just two weeks before that. You can do it! Not into that either? I also viewed things as doing right by me, or earlier me. I will give it what I can right now because earlier nutella put all that hard work to get me to this point and that is 99% of the way there. I just gotta finish it off and do right by me.

         AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 4.0 AND MAKING IT THIS FAR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, what an accomplishment!

         1. Thank you!

            1. Whoops, this is me

      2. I’m gonna give the opposite advice and say–don’t let perfect be the enemy of doing whatever the F you need to do to get through your last project. In my experience, no one cares about your graduate GPA unless you’re in law school or applying for PhD programs. Just get it done so you can get the piece of paper and move on with your life.

         Pomodoro is crucial. Set a timer for ten minutes of work, five minutes, whatever you can make yourself do. Rinse and repeat.

         1. I like this. I think I’m going with doing whatever the F I need to do.

      3. So in undergrad I was alllll about the grades (and that ended up mattering both for my first few jobs and in applying to grad school). But for this master’s, GPA doesn’t seem to matter, especially since I’m in one of the top programs in my field. I’m not so sure I’ll care if I end up with a 3.8, though it’d be nice to say I got a 4.0 :-)

         Can somebody please fast forward to two weeks from now? I’m so excited to get my evenings and weekends back!

   3. You’re almost there! If you’re busy at work, ask for an extension. I was never denied one when I asked, the professors know you work.

      1. Disagree. Do not let yourself ask for an extension unless your health is at stake. In this situation you’re only delaying the inevitable and giving yourself a reward for continuing to procrastinate.

         1. Yeah, I don’t need an extension. I just need a kick in the a$$! I may take a personal day to have a long weekend to tackle a few things, especially if I’m still feeling under the weather.

2. Do you have friends across income groups and do you think friendships can be sustained when there are big income differences? Or do you feel like the wealthier person ends up spending too much time playing down their vacations, hobbies etc and the lower income person ends up stretching too much to be able to go out to nice restaurants, expensive events etc?

   1. Yes and yes. I think job satisfaction has a lot to do with it — friends who make a lot less than I do but love their jobs don’t seem to have an issue with the fact that I make more than they do. I also don’t have especially extravagant taste, and will occasionally pick up the check if I want them to go somewhere fancier than normal with me.

   2. Our neighbors are all older and very well off. I have been through a layoff and have a lower paying job here in the past couple of years, but they all assume us too can travel internationally or remodel our home and yard as they are. There’s no playing it down! We are not stretching ourselves to do these things, but I can tell they wonder about it. Friends-wise (late 40’s/early 50’s), I guess it’s about equal among us.

   3. I think so, but it takes efforts and assumption of best intentions from both sides. Having been on both sides (was the poor friend in college given my family background and then was the wealthier friend immediately after when I got a job in consulting), what I found to be most important was that both parties were ok discussing the price of activities and not judging the person.

      For example, when I didn’t have the same amount of money as my friends, I valued that they would eat in the dining halls with me rather than go to fancy restaurants. But I also didn’t begrudge them the fun of eating out or judge them as shallow for enjoying it. Similarly, I appreciate when friends are direct with me about what they can afford so that we can either find a way to make it work or choose to do something else – I went to a play recently and the ticket prices went up in the time between when I sent the link to my friend and when she responded to okay the purchase. Because the new price was just a bit out of her budget, I covered the difference and was happy to do so. However, this is not something that happens every time we hang out because I know she values her independence and doesn’t want to seem like a “gold digger.”

      At the end of the day, you want to be friends who people who are happy for you and enjoy your company, not your wallet, and that goes both ways.

      1. Sorry but I don’t think the college comparisons count. From 18-22, it’s a whole different experience as people are experiencing life outside of their parents’ homes for the first time; sure some people live in fancy apartments and eat out while others are in dorms and on meal plans – but all of that is due to parental wealth. When you’re out of college, into/past your first job and starting to hit your 30s and 40s – that’s when real differences come out – some people buying homes, others still in 1 bedrooms; fancy cars or not; vacations or not etc. Especially true for new friends – will you truly befriend those who have much more/less at age 35 or 40? College friends are different bc you have the bonds of “growing up” together in a certain way so those friendships can survive just based on shared memories (though not always true there either).

         1. Fair enough, but I still think the attitudes you develop about wealth & friendship at that stage of life affect future friendships. If you can’t get over the divide of parental wealth and the differences in starting salaries across entry level positions in your early to mid 20s, it’s incredibly difficult to summon up the empathy and flexibility to create and maintain friendships across economic lines later in life.

            Many people that I went to college with stopped inviting me to hang out when they found out my parents didn’t go to college and that I was sending money home to my family. This isn’t what the OP asked, but I do think that this kind of separation of economic tiers creates a lack of empathy and understanding because it took me making friends who didn’t judge me for being poor for me to see that not all rich people are snobby and judgmental… but I don’t think the people who dropped me as a friend ever did make friendships that showed them that poor people aren’t just poor because they’re lazy or stupid. I guess what I’m saying is that it can be hard, but I think friendships across economic tiers are important and valuable and that we should put forth the effort to maintain them.

            1. I should clarify that the peers who dropped were not overtly mean about it. They never said, “you’re poor and therefore not good enough for us,” but would say, “well we thought about inviting you, but we knew you’d say you couldn’t afford it” or “just come! It’s only the cost of 2 hours of work at your job!” I would invite them to low cost or free things, but those were never fun enough to warrant their attendance. There were nice folks overall, but fun and expensive meant the same thing to them, and I think that type of attitude is what breaks up friendships across income levels, when you value the activity more than the person with whom you’re doing it.

            2. 4:29 here – ok I do agree with you there. I think 18-22 are formative and yes I do agree the attitudes you develop about wealth and friendship then do affect you later on; you are never getting more flexible and open minded in life than when you are 18-19 away from home for the first time and wanting to meet new people. If at that age you can’t adjust to the idea that the kid across the hall can’t go out to a $15 lunch with you on a random Tuesday but whatever, he’s cool so you’ll hang in his room and listen to music — then you certainly aren’t going to be able to adjust to that at 35.

   4. Yes to both. I’ve never had my higher income friends try to downplay what is going on in their lives, nor do I want them to, and they’ve also always been willing to accommodate/understanding when I ask if we do a less expensive outing. We recognize we’ve made different career choices. We’re friends because we enjoy each other’s company, not because of how much we make.

   5. Yes, definitely. I have a hard time comprehending how this could be a problem. Maybe it’s because I’ve been on both ends of this spectrum and have had the same friends the whole time…

   6. In all honesty, not really any more. Some of my closest friends are other lawyers from my office and my high school besties are all professionals. My husband says my whole life has been a bubble, and maybe he is right.

      I will say that it makes life a lot easier when you do not have to negotiate some of the things that others have described in this thread.

      1. Oops – hit send too soon. Meant to say what others have described in this thread AND in other similar discussions that we have had on this topic.

      2. I do NOT think we should discrimineate against / for some one based on how much money she/he has or does NOT have. It is what you have on the INSIDE that count’s. Being a good person is far more important then the size of your bank account. Dad says I make alot of money but he makes me save almost all of it b/c he will NOT be around forever, and he wants to make sure I save for my retirement, b/c I will NOT have a husband to support me, he says. He wanted Ed to be my guardian, but I told him that I do NOT need a guardian b/c I have a good job. Grandma Leyeh is mad I am not giveing her a grandchild, but I do NOT want some schlub to be huffeing and puffeing on top of me every night just to get me pregenant. FOOEY on that!

   7. I am having my arm twisted to go to a milestone party thing (including lodging and eating out and all of that) that looked more affordable 8 months ago when it was initially floated, then legitimately out-of-my-control expenditures happened, and the friend kind of dropped me (unrelated to the party). But basically my situation is, “spend $$$ or lose a friend” and it stinks.

      1. No true friend would dump you for not doing something you can’t afford. This person is not your friend.

         1. Word. In her defense I think she thinks it’s *not* a huge thing, like maybe about the same as going out to dinner (I dunno, trying to imagine it from her eyes), and a reasonable ask for the occasion. But it no longer is, for me.

         2. Seriously. I am the “rich” person from below and would not expect my biglaw equity partner friends or private equity friends to drop everything for an expensive trip for me that wasn’t either a wedding or a funeral. And not even for those, really. People have lives outside of you, even if they can swing the budget.

            These people may be so into themselves that they may not even notice your absence. Or there will be a new big thing in a month. Send them a “Flat Stanley” version of yourself to celebrate with and if they don’t find that charming, move on.

   8. I think lifestyle matters way more than income. I had friends making crazy hand over fist money but they are super frugal and save and retire early types. They lived in a modest condo, ate out maybe once or twice per month. I have friends that make far less than I do that spend way more than I do and I’m not willing to do everything they want to do because of different financial priorities.

      Other people will just be insecure based on titles regardless of how you live but that is more of a them problem then a you problem. Thinking about my friend’s ex-boyfriend who was a freelance writer who never stopped making comments about her friends in big houses that were lawyers. He was obnoxious. Not because he was a freelancer with a lower income but because he kept judging us and assuming we were swimming in money scrooge mcduck style.

      1. Yes. I know quite a few who have high level incomes (think equity partners in law etc.) yet they are adamant that they DO NOT want to do it for more than 10-15 yrs — meaning they want to be done by 45-50 — bc they aren’t particularly happy and don’t like the stress of it. So once they made partner, they didn’t upgrade their lifestyles all that much — bc all that extra earning is going into saving for retirement, kids’ college, paying down a mortgage etc. to put themselves in a position where by 45-50 they can retire completely or more likely take on a “regular” 150k in house or government job.

      2. Agree that the lifestyle matters way more than income. DH and I make good money, but we live in a HCOL area. I’m sorry, but paying $12 for a glass of wine at a loud, crowded restaurant where I can’t even have a nice conversation vs. buying the whole bottle of wine for $10 at the grocery store and sitting on my lovely little balcony with the music of my choice? I just don’t get going out and paying for drinks. Same thing with super fancy vacations… why would I pay $400/night for a hotel room that I’m literally just sleeping in? It’s all a matter of priorities, and it doesn’t matter that we could afford it, we just don’t want it. Plenty of people don’t understand why we live in a smaller place than we could afford, or why my car is 10 years old but runs perfectly fine, etc., but those things are not a priority to us.

         Tangentially… part of the reason we can “afford” fancy things now is because we’ve been frugal in the past. We’ve amassed a solid net worth that allows us to be much more free with our money in things we actually care about. We’re generous with our siblings, for example. We can do hobbies that have incremental expenses without worrying that we won’t be able to do them anymore because we’ll run out of money, etc. In general, we are friends with people who have similar values to us vs. focusing on similar incomes. Most of our friends generally enjoy the free live music downtown or a dinner party at home, so there’s rarely a fight about whether a restaurant is too expensive or a trip is not worth it.

         1. …speaking of smug.

            1. …speaking of smug.

   9. Yes and yes.

      But I will caveat that in adulthood it might be easier to make new friends with similar incomes- just because you’ll be able to do All The Things together, rather than in grad school or college where you’re doing everything together anyway. I’m obviously never ever going to cut out a good friend because I can go out to eat and she’d prefer to get take out and drink beer at home, but that might be more of a challenge when you’re meeting someone new (or dating) and you’re not at that place where hanging out can be super chill.

      Also, while income itself may not make the difference, profession might. My friends who work at legal aid and make 1/3 my salary are still in the same world that I am. But someone who is working retail isn’t. While that wouldn’t be a deal breaker, per se, I could see that playing a bigger role. (I’m typing quickly and really not trying to offend anyone… so please take this comment with good intentions. Not trying to start an Anonymous Flame War about America’s caste system.)

   10. I’m the rich person in my family and I work crazy hours, so I never do anything fancy. I have a very expensive (to me) house that looks like a hot mess b/c it’s a cosmetic fixer that is never going to be fixed up. So, the optics to them are meh and they don’t see my 1040 every year.

       My friends run the gamut, but tend to all be college graduates except for people from home or parents of friends of my children (big SE city, public schools, 1/3 on free or reduced lunch). I know a lot of medical technicians (like xray techs, etc.) that have some post-high school training. I wouldn’t call them poor, but they are priced out of a lot of the “nicer” parts of my city. I know poor people also from volunteering as a tutor in other city schools, but this is more knowing the children then their parents.

   11. Absolutely, yes. Most of my friends (and DH and my couple friends) graduated from college. And, to be honest, we *became* friends with most of them at similar stages in life, which often meant they were making similar money–in undergrad or grad school together, suffering through entry level jobs together, suffering through slightly better jobs together, or sending kids to the same daycare.

       But our paths can diverge, and I’m happy for people who make more money than me and try to be generous with and considerate of people who are having a harder time financially. It really is a non-issue in our friendships. Also, we’ve found over the past decade that life is FULL of ups and downs for everyone, and what you’re earning doesn’t necessarily translate to what you have available to spend.

   12. I think that you can, but it’s not as much about income than about socioeconomic class, though the two are related. I am from another country and find the US to be very stratified when it comes to class. I do think it’s possible to make friends across class lines, it just takes more effort and understanding. Several of my friends are very wealthy and when we get together, the topic of conversation is whether to buy a Porsche, BMW or Tesla SUV. I have nothing to add. I just bought a $10k used car. Sometimes I feel like we are in different universes. Then the conversation turned to haggling prices with the luxury dealerships and I’m reminded that my friends are like me, we all still want a good deal. We have more in common than we have differences.

3. We just signed up to be a host family for a college student from Japan. She will be with us for 5 months. Has anyone done this before? Any advice on how to make this a good experience for us and for her?

   1. Arms length advice: participate in her life/experience while she is here. Gauge her interest in doing “American” things (I think it will be high)and then do them, but also – do “normal family” things with her. Cook and eat dinner together. Let her try junk food. Watch tv. Go to the zoo/museum/art galleries. Ask about her hobbies and interests and see if you can incorporate that into activities. Several families in my town hosted exchange students (pretty sure they just did it for the money) and I was shocked and saddened by how little the family even interacted with them. You’re doing a great thing!

   2. Having been hosted by foreign families and lived overseas in other situations, I think the biggest thing is making her feel included, but also giving her room and private time. I appreciated having a few hours now and then when my host family was out, and I could relax a bit on my own. I also HATED being constantly corrected on my language– crucial communication errors are one thing, but I had a host dad who thought it was helpful to step in for every tiny little error (and this is a language I’m fluent, though not perfect, in), and it turned me off from wanting to speak.

      1. chiming in to agree, except I had the reverse experience. My host fam gave me their guest room, included me in all the family stuff (family dinner, going for ice cream, going grocery shopping, including picking out some ingredients from the exotic food aisle so I could make a dish for them from my home country, outings, a halloween party) they did not correct me a lot, and the whole trip (3 weeks only) was really transformative when it came to my confidence in speaking English.

   3. Do you have kids of your own? I remember one summer we hosted an exchange student who was around my age in high school, and my mom kept insisting I bring her everywhere with me when I was doing stuff with my friends. I regret to say I wasn’t the most understanding or cooperative, and I didn’t appreciate that living in your non-native language is HARD, especially once you throw in teenage slang, cliques, etc. I was frustrated that I had this mute tag-along who rarely talked or contributed anything to the conversation, and I’m sure she was frustrated that I didn’t do more to try to include her.

      On the flip side, when I was in middle school, my friend had an older (high school or college-age) exchange student living with her family, and he was so. much. fun. He was from Brazil, was totally fascinated by snow, and played outside with us all winter. His English wasn’t great, but it didn’t matter nearly as much in that context as it did in situations where the “social events” revolved around conversation the way it did when I was in high school. Personalities were also in play, of course.

      I’m not sure what my point here is, other than to definitely make sure to talk with other family members about your expectations of them in this experience and make sure they are on the same page.

      1. I have a 2 year old who I’m sure will love to have another person around to play with her (if she wants to). Part of our motivation for doing this is to expose her to new cultures and show her there is a whole big world out there that our family is only a tiny part of.

   4. Would you mind saying what kind of reimbursement you get? I would love to do this, but I’m concerned about adding to family $ stresses… but also it seems like such a great idea, especially in a few years when my kiddo would be old enough to really participate in the cultural exchange aspect!

      1. We live in a LCOL city and will be reimbursed $750/month. For reference, this will cover about half of our mortgage payment, though we will obviously spend some of this on food and activities for her.

   5. Some really random specific things that may or may not apply:

      1) Smiling matters a lot! I used to work for an international non-profit and travel a lot, and my friends and I agreed that being smiled at and fed went a long way.

      2) She may not actively tell you if she is uncomfortable/ sad because she feels it’s not polite. This has happened when I hosted people from China, so not 100% sure if it’s true for Japan. I actually wasn’t able to solve this myself, but we found other Chinese speakers locally and went out to dinner and that helped her get advice on how to handle some of what was bothering her.

      3) Possible stressors: Getting a bank account, getting a phone, getting an SSN to get a job if allowed, walking >0.5 mi if used to lots of buses, being too cold or too warm (especially at night), not knowing how to use washing machine/ feeling weird about washing clothes in sink, not knowing where to buy birth control, losing a passport (make sure she has multiple copies of passport + visa), being frustrated at needing ID to drink.

      May you have a wonderful experience!

   6. We hosted two different exchange students when I was in high school. Both female, one from Brazil and one from Germany, both lived with us for a full year. We (and they) loved it! Both were my age (I’m the oldest daughter), so we had classes together, and did some hobbies together. My family intentionally screened for students with interests similar to ours, and that worked out really well for us.

      At the outset, we determined that we would be very inclusive of our student, and that was also part of the program ethos in general, so the students were also looking for a “family”. So, they were included in the chore rotation, included in family vacations, and also went to church with us on Sundays (this was noted in our application, that if someone lived with us, they would be expected to attend Sunday service, so students could self-select out of us as a host family if they were uncomfortable with that).

      I totally agree on not nitpicking language, but correcting big communication errors. I also recommend clarifying potentially different cultural practices that might not be obvious to you: How often do you shower? How often do you do laundry? Who does grocery shopping/cooking? Is dinner usually sit-down or free-for-all? Do the kids have to ask permission or do they just inform the parents of their schedule? The age of “independence” was younger in their home countries, so my parents had to be explicit about the rules and boundaries (not in a mean way, just the general, “Hey, you’re 15/16 in America, this is how stuff works here/in our home).

      In general, if you both presume good intentions and attribute mistakes to the language/cultural barrier, you’ll avoid most arguments. We had some pretty hilarious mix-ups that were honest mistakes on both parts, so we could laugh about it and get on the same page vs. being angry that “Student is being a rude/stubborn teen!” or “Host Mom is being too strict/mean!”

      1. Oh, yes, be very clear on expectations for inclusion in the chore rotation! That always made me feel really uncomfortable because no one ever brought it up directly.

4. I’ve had it with my clothes falling apart. What brands have you found to last, in the price range of blouses between around 30-50 dollars? I need things that run to a true large, but not necessarily plus sizing.

   1. I would like to know this too, especially sweaters that don’t pill.

      OP, I hate to use AT in the same sentence as quality/durability, but I haven’t had any issues with mine lasting for years, in that price range.

      1. Ditto on AT. Granted, they’re also on the older side. I haven’t been there recently to compare.

      2. I bought several AT tops at the outlet 2 years ago, and they’re still going strong.

         Also, Vince Camuto and Calvin Klein.

         A little more expensive ($60?), but I have a couple of thick Eileen Fisher t-shirts that are great quality.

         I wash my work shirts on delicate and hang them up to dry. Unless my husband accidentally does my laundry.

   2. I buy J.Crew, AT, Limited, Gap and BR exclusively secondhand. I take that back – some new Gap is decent quality. Your $$ range sounds like the perfect price point for Thredup but watch their quality/return policy. Hope that is helpful!

      1. I feel like Gap quality is often better than Banana.

   3. I think you may want to try second-hand, maybe at consignment stores? I honestly think it’s hard to get good quality blouses at that price point

      1. Wow. I know that’s consistent with my shopping experiences, but it’s still mind-blowing that it’s so hard to find decent quality for under 50 buck apiece.

         1. I am not sure why I think this way, but it is completely surprising to me that anyone would expect any sort of actual quality in the $30 – $50 range.

            Is it just that everything in Canada is more expensive that makes me think that? Because that range is fast fashion to me, good quality tops and blouses that I would expect to last for any length of time would start around $80 and go up from there…

   4. Boden. Extremely well made pants, jackets, skirts, and blouses. T shirs are meh. Dresses generally are great. A seamstress even commented to my mom (who mostly shops at Saks and Bloomies but whom I brought to a sample sale and was impressed) that she doesn’t see clothes made with that kind of quality anymore.

      1. I’m a recent Boden convert. I got 5 cashmere cardigans there this January (ugh$/YAY) and I can’t get over them. The cashmere is wonderfully soft, the cut is great, and so far no pilling. They don’t even retain smell the way my other ones do! I just bought my first round of dresses and they are on their way!!

         I’ve had mixed luck with AT. Cardigans with buttons that pop off after 8 months, and look pretty meh after a year of wear. Blouses have been better, but I also bought 3 cotton T shirts there where the seams almost immediately came undone. My quality stuff from Banana has been good- silk shirts/merino wool sweaters. Anything poly has been a disaster.

      2. This. Because I need Talls, I buy a lot of Boden. And I shop a lot at their sample sales, so everything is under $40.

      3. +1

   5. How are you washing your clothing? I have stuff from BR, Loft, etc and I’ve never had an issue with it falling apart. Do you mean the stitches unravel, you get holes, or something else?

      1. Lately it’s been fabric flaws. Holes that would need darning, pilling, frayed edges where a hem is folded over. I’m pretty carefully about washing everything appropriate to it’s fabric type.

   6. Check Talbots. Can skew frumpy or elderly (especially the casual stuff) but work blouses are good. I’ve never had a problem with sewing or cheap fabric. When I return things (I do all shopping online and return in store for convenience), it’s usually because I misjudged style (a dress was longer than I anticipated or a jacket was a boxier cut). I’ve had some real workhouses though. In fact, a lot of my suiting came from their separates and shells (and plain blouses).

   7. Most of my work tops are in that price range, and I’ve found that most tops usually hold up well as long as I’m really diligent with how I launder things. I use the hand-wash cycle on my machine and hang to dry. Steam if they’re wrinkly.

      Fabric content matters, too. Anything that has sort of a polyester “sateen” finish looks pilled and terrible within 6 months, no matter how careful I am. My work tops from Loft have been some of my best and worst buys. Now I’m much more cautious of what I buy there. (Still love their pants, though!)

5. On a related note to the above, I have a friend with whom we kind of started out in college together on the same level (of performance, success, etc) and she has always done really well, but I have always outpaced her on traditional markers of success, prestige, etc,. which she cares a LOT about. We don’t currently but have in the past worked in the same industry, and at everything we have both tried I have been a lot more successful. As we get older, this gap seems to widen. (we’re about 30.)

   I didn’t think this was an issue, but last time we hung out it became clear that she’s feeling insecure about it, although she’s very kind and has never been unsupportive in anyway. Quite the opposite, actually. She likes to talk about work a lot when we hang out, which I think might exacerbate it. Anyway, I care a lot about this friend and I want her to enjoy our time together and not feel insecure, and I’m not sure how I should change my behavior to that end. Maybe just deflect the work talk?

   1. Um – maybe don’t come across like “I’ve ALWAYS been sooooo much more successful.” Clearly she’s picking up on it even if you aren’t saying it.

      1. plus a gazillion. I snorted at the smugness of your post. I found myself hoping that by 40 she’s waaaaayyyyy surpassed you.

         1. Yeah this cracks me up. Careers are long and you may be surprised at where you two are ten years from now. Or 20. Or 30.

            Congratulations on your success, tho.

            1. Holy cow. YES. This. Fortunes and luck rise and fall faster than you would think. You’re 30, so you have MANY years in the workforce ahead of you.

      2. Ehhh, I don’t know. Let’s give the benefit of the doubt to the OP here. I mean, yes, don’t call attention to it or be awkward, but it’s hard to know what to say or do when a friend is obviously jealous or upset. Especially if they’re in the same industry and there is an easy direct comparison. I’m sure the OP is just trying to be sensitive to her friend’s feelings.

   2. I don’t think you can do anything but deflect the work talk and be supportive of her career/as a person, as it sounds like you’re doing. It can be awkward, but it sounds like you’re both nice people who don’t want to make the other person feel bad, and that you might be over-thinking a little.

6. The discussion about comparative success strikes a nerve with something that happened to me today. In a series of emails with a grad school classmate whom I was previously quite close with, I mentioned I had a new job. And he replied back with a series of expletive and wondering how I got “every job I applied for.”

   I try not whine about it constantly, and closer friends are more read-in, but I left my last job at a year because of a sh*tty groping/retaliation situation, left the one before that at under a year because the client was prone to hysterical fits of rage, and left the one before that because the company failed to honor a fundamental aspect of my employment agreement and I supervisor I respected warned me to leave. I left the job before that because my mom had died suddenly of cancer and I wanted to be on the same landmass as family.

   Yes, I have changed jobs a lot lately. Yes, it’s worked out well for me in terms of income. But, at this point, I would have happily had fewer really awful things happen and not have spent the last three years perpetually running and job hunting, if it meant making a bit less.

   He’s not the first friend to comment on how “easy” my transitions appear from the outside. And it’s just… maddening.

   1. Apologies for the rage-typos

   2. Good reminder that all of us have our struggles.

      In this case I might reply something like, “Dude! You don’t know the half of it! I won’t bore you with the gory details, but… Dude! You don’t know the half of it!”

      1. Ah, the effectiveness of the judiciously applied SA “dude”. I love it.

   3. Sometimes when that kind of thing happens I am very tempted to briefly say something like what you said, in a cold, “just the facts” way… just to knock the wind out of the person. I almost never do it though.

      1. Yeah, I made a dark joke about how I’d actually been job hunting since being groped by a geriatric-creep back in September. Haven’t heard back…

      2. I wish people would do this more, and I don’t think it comes across as aggressive. Ditto to those situations when people breathlessly ask how you’ve managed to lose so much weight, and the answer is a dire health problem, thanks very much.

         1. I feel like this is a great point for sharp answers with a bit of a sarcastic tone to them.
            “How did you lose so much weight?”
            “Medical condition….”
            “Cancer.”
            “My terminal disease.”

            “Why’ve you been able to get so many jobs?”
            “I’ve had to move around due to death and abuse…”

            “You don’t look sick!”
            “I am.”
            “Oh.”
            “Okay.”

   4. I got similar comments when I went back to work after taking time off with kids, how easy it was for me to get back into my field. What they didn’t see was nearly a year spent applying to entry level positions with no responses back.

7. Has anyone bought an iPhone from an Apple store?

   I am trying to and yet I can’t make an appointment to buy a phone. I need to go in and wait in the general queue and see if maybe they have one (the big 7) and maybe they can set it up and it might take hours IF they have it and no they can’t answer questions, I just have to come in to the store.

   This seems like car-dealership levels of time waste (like why does it take 5 hours to buy a can if I’ve picked it out and you have my VIN # on the lot). Or like I’ve bought a house and signed a ream of paper faster than this.

   1. Any reason it must be from the Apple store? Mine was from the Verizon store — a busy one at that the one located in Grand Central in NYC. Yet there was no appointment; it didn’t take hours (though prob did have a 15 min wait); they answered questions; and it took them all of 10 min to set it all up.

   2. Seriously? It does not take that long to buy a phone. You don’t need an appointment. It’s not going to be that difficult.

   3. I bought mine at the Apple store in Grand Central – which is a zoo – and it was no big deal. Walk around and figure out which one you want. As crowded as it was, there are PLENTY of employees who are looking out for people who are buying rather than playing; grab one of them and ask your questions, make a decision, they go in the back and get the phone and set it up for you – which takes them 15 min max. They don’t offer appointments and don’t answer questions in advance bc it is just easier for you to just show up and do it face to face; as for saying IF they have it – they don’t want to promise bc like all inventory it could run out, but honestly unless the one you want was released last week – they’ll have it in stock.

   4. Go to Best Buy. They have a few Apple employees there, and the service is great.

   5. I always, alwasy b uy mine from Target. There’s never anyone else trying to buy a phone at the same time, and I usually sell my old phone to them on the spot for a Target gift card (that’s usually more value than what Apple is offering for trading in a phone). They can set you up on whatever carrier you already have. It’s super easy and low stress.

   6. Why go to the Apple store at all? I just order from Apple online and get it sent to my house. Set up is really simple.

      1. +1 I’m baffled why you think you need to go in person and wait for hours for them to set it up. It’s really easy to do at home. Order it online and safe yourself the hassle.

   7. My purchase at an Apple store was super simple. Not sure where you got the idea it would be difficult. It took about 15 minutes – I told them which one I wanted, the guy took the SIM card out of my previous phone and put it in my new phone and I paid for it. Done.

8. I am so stoked- just bought my tickets (for December) to see Biden. A light in the dark times of 45.

   1. That’s awesome! Where? He is so freaking charming and gregarious and such an amazing public speaker. (I know there are problematic things about his past. But sometimes I just want to be charmed.)

   2. Seattle!

9. Pointy toe pup? All the pups I’ve ever seen have cute rounded little feetsies!

10. Chicagoans – I’m a 35-year-old lawyer applying to Chicago firms. I always look up the pictures and bios of female associates at the firms I’m considering to try to guess how conservative and/or sexist the firm is. I’m noticing very, very few female associates with short hair (pixie or similar). Most female attorneys in my age group seem to have shoulder length or slightly longer hair. I want to chop my hair but I feel a need to fit in for interviews. Should I wait? Is at least shoulder length hair the norm in Chicago for female associates? Your honest thoughts are appreciated. It’s hot out and I miss having really short hair…

    1. Do it. One of the mid level badass (as in she’s going places in this firm) female associates in my office has a pixie. I’ve got chin/jaw length hair myself (mid to sr assoc). Totally acceptable for big law. May not be Chicago, but I don’t think NYC is that far off. I’ve traveled to our Chicago office and worked with Chicago associates.

    2. I know a midlevel biglaw associate in my large SEUS city with a pixi cut. Consider also that not many women can (or want to try to) pull off that cut, no matter where they work. That’s probably part of the reason you’re seeing so few. It’s a bone structure thing….thus you’ll never see me with one. (Oh, but when they work they’re beautiful!) You do you. As long as you’re polished, it shouldn’t matter.

    3. I would wait. I experienced plenty of sexist bullsh*t in Chicago, and if it’s not a big deal to you to make a concession to that kind of stuff (no judgment! I certainly made my share of concessions) I would wait so they have nothing on which to judge you.

    4. I say wait; I try to keep my looks for interviews completely non-memorable. Who knows if some partner has a weird implicit bias about pixie cuts.

    5. Do it. I have a pixie cut, and have ranged from near buzzcut to the Robin-Wright-House-of-Cards style I have going on now. As long as you look put together and polished, you’re good. Makes life easier and I honestly think I look better short hair.

       I hear the other commenters saying wait and see, and maybe some weirdos will judge you for it negatively. But I wouldn’t want to work somewhere that wouldn’t hire me because I have short, professionally fixed hair. That sounds like a BS place to work.

    6. Oh please. Get your haircut. No one gives a damn and it sounds like you’re making excuses in advance. If you noticed the women associates looked slim, would you tell an overweight applicant to lose weight first? This is silly. And I’ve practiced in Chicago for 12 years, and the premise of your question sucks. This isn’t some backwater town with antiquated views of How Women Must Look. Two of the most badass Biglaw partners I know are queer with near-buss-cuts. Get over yourself and focus on your credentials.

       1. Thank you for all your perspectives! Kel, your comment reminded me that a few years ago my law school career services office encouraged a student to lose weight in order to be hired. So much bs. And, yes, I do probably need to check my attitude about Chicago independent of whether I get a haircut.

    7. Just get the haircut! As someone who also lives in the Midwest and rocks a pixie, I’ve noticed there just aren’t that many women with short hair, period. I feel some weird solidarity with fellow pixies because we’re kind of a rare breed. I would not let your hair preferences dissuade you from applying for jobs at a specific office. Any firm that judges you for that is not a place you want to work, period, because there are probably far worse issues related to gender.

    8. I’m a lawyer about your age, in DC, and have had a pixie cut for ages. I’ve worked in biglaw and, if anything, the pixie cut has worked in my favor because it makes me more memorable and adds some personality to my look so I can keep my wardrobe pretty simple. I say go for it.

    9. I’m a 31-year-old lawyer in Chicago with a pixie. (Actually I call it the Cassandra Pentaghast cut.) It’s awesome. Go for it.

11. I’m chair of an upcoming conference and the organizers have requested a headshot. How / where do I get this taken? All the photos I have of me are vacation type shots and not in professional attire. Should I plan to go to a drugstore and take this? (My work does not take headshots. )

    1. Nooooo don’t go to a drug store! Have a friend take one for you. You can get a pretty decent shot with a camera phone. Take it somewhere with good natural lighting. Wear a blazer.

    2. I think camera phone pictures look more amateur-ish than drug store pictures and depending on the needs of the conference a phone photo may not be high enough resolution (they tend to print blurry even if they look great on a screen, so if this photo needs to go in a printed brochure a camera phone is really not an acceptable solution). But if you have a friend with a DSLR, they should be able to take a decent photo of you even if they don’t have any special photography skills. Agree with anon above that natural light and professional dress will go a long way towards making it look like a professional headshot even if your friend uses the camera’s automatic settings.

    3. Look on craigslist there are tons of people doing it

    4. I missed headshot day at work, so I just went to a local photo studio that does headshots. Found them on yelp. It was $60 and they even did retouching and applied some finishing powder and extra blush to make the photo come out better. But I live in LA, so there are a zillion options.

    5. Last time I needed a headshot I went to JC Penney, of all places, and it turned out fine.

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