Workwear Hall of Fame: The Sant Ambroeus Jardigan

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cropped sweater jacket from M.M.LaFleur

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Readers have always loved the M.M.LaFleur jardigan (and if you read some of the comments you'll see how some are styling it — taking out the shoulder pads, etc.). 

If you're not a fan of blazers and you like an easy, knit cardigan that's a little more pulled together, do consider the jardigan (as in jacket/cardigan), because it's getting rave reviews.

It comes in several colors (neutrals as well as seasonal ones) in sizes XS-XXL, and it's $195 at M.M.LaFleur. Note that you can also find it sometimes at Nordstrom and Zappos.

Update: We're adding this jardigan to our Workwear Hall of Fame because it is SO beloved by readers, along with this longer jardigan, also by MMLF).

These are some of our other latest favorite sweater jackets:

Some of our favorite sweater jackets for the office as of 2025 include M.M.LaFleur (the OG, the jardigan!), L'Agence, Summersalt, J.Crew, and Jenni Kayne. For budget options check J.Crew Factory and Quince.

Hunting for the best sweater jackets for plus sizes? Some of our favorites of 2025 include J.Crew Factory (up to 3X), J.Crew, Ralph Lauren, Nic & Zoe, and Lands' End. (I don't know this brand, but this boiled wool one looks nice too, and this $40 option is available up to size 6X.)

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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

316 Comments

  1. Has J.Crew’s quality gone back up? I haven’t shopped there all that much, but I’m in need of some new basics and I heard a rumor that quality is better now than in recent years. I’m really trying to focus on buying high-quality essentials. Thoughts?

    1. Ehh.

      I’d read the reviews on the webpage for the product you’re considering. There are a lot of customers who will compare the quality to the good years. I hope the rumor is true, though…

    2. It depends on the garment.

      The lighter-weight tees (vintage cotton / linen) might as well be marketed as beach coverups they’re so thin. Same with the lighter-weight sweaters (including the Jackies, may they RIP).

      The stretch wool and stretch cotton pants, seaside pants, jeans, heavier-weight cotton items like the perfect tee, shorts, button-downs, and silk – I have found these to be fairly good.

    3. It definitely depends on the item, but I’ve been really happy with recent purchases from their suiting options (especially the bi-stretch cotton and the Italian stretch wool).

    4. I just blew my entire clothing budget during the J. Crew Factory flash sale yesterday, so I sure hope so!
      IME, the quality of J. Crew has decreased to be the same quality as J. Crew Factory (save for select pieces like suiting blazers), but retained the higher pricing so now I just shop at the Factory version and don’t even bother to browse J. Crew itself.

      1. I would agree with this, especially around their standard chino shorts. In years past, they were made of a chino with a good weight to them, but this year, they are tissue thin (similar to what you’d get at the Factory). On the hunt for basic 3″ shorts with a solid chino to them at a decent price!

        1. Re Chino shorts, I got a pair I really like from Banana Republic. Solid material and better quality and not too pricey, so you might want to check them out.

    5. Pretty sure interest is deferred when you are in school so it’s same to take small loan evenly or bigger one at the end. Ask the admissions people – it’s their job to know this stuff.

  2. Dating a guy who treats me so well, but I’m not loving the physical elements. (For example, I don’t like how he kisses.) I’m thinking we might need to break up? I just feel horrible because I know he feels strongly about this.

    1. Have you tried telling him what you like? If he treats you well, I think it’s worth trying to see if it can be fixed through communication.

      1. Kind of. I asked him what he likes, and he seems to be happy with how things are.

          1. +1 Just because he likes what is happening now, doesn’t mean he won’t also like what you like or like it even more! Ask for what you want – 100%.

        1. No. You have to be like ‘I love kissing you but it feels better if you don’t use as much tongue” or whatever the issue is.

          1. Agreed. He’s not a mind reader, if you want something to change, you have to let him know what you’d like more off, and less off, etc….relationships take work, and communication is key. Give him a shot to improve. Would you like a job to write you off without letting you know what you’re doing wrong and giving you time to fix it?

    2. How long have you been dating? It may just be a matter of figuring out what you both like or trying new things. There are different schools of thought on whether chemistry can develop over time. I’ve found that to be the case sometimes, but YMMV. In fact, about a month after beginning gardening with one guy (many moons ago), I almost called it quits because it was just not good and awkward. But some how it turned a corner and got better and he became one of my favorite LGP partners! Some things I didn’t like were always factors (ie, not particularly adventurous, average oral, didn’t love the way he kissed) but on the whole, the experience was great. He was a very nice guy, too.

      That said, if it doesn’t get better, then h*ll yes break up. Life is too short for bad/meh physical stuff. You deserve to be satisfied in that area. Don’t settle.

    3. Do you like him otherwise? I don’t just mean how he treats you. Treating you well is just a minimum.

      1. Agreed. If he’s a keeper otherwise, it’s worth working on this. Treating you well is a minimum.

  3. How much would you say your kids whine? I’ve been mulling over whether or not to have kids and trying to observe the lives of my friends with kids. I’m currently staying with a friend and her family and her three-year-old whines ALL. THE. TIME. I’ve noticed that I seem to find it a lot more grating than the other adults do, so I wonder if I might be more sensitive to annoying sounds and noises than most, but I’m also curious as to whether this is just something all kids do or whether this particular kid might be doing it more than is typical. Would the parents here mind sharing whether whining is a problem with your kids and whether you’ve had success in curtailing it? I know that all kids do it at least sometimes, but I think I need to seriously consider whether I could deal with it on a frequent basis without losing my cool. I really don’t want to be an angry or constantly frazzled parent and I also would want some kind of strategy to deal with whining.

    1. I would say it depends on the kid. My sample size is 3 kids that I know very well- my kid (almost 3), my niece (almost 5), and my nephew (2). My niece rarely whines. My daughter whines a medium amount, and my nephew whines incessantly. It is extremely annoying no matter which child is doing it, which is the point. It is supposed to be annoying, because they are voicing their needs in a way that gets the adult’s attention best. I’ve been dealing with it by telling my kid I don’t understand her when she whines, and if she needs to ask me something, she needs to ask in her “big girl voice”. Sometimes we have that conversation four times in a row, but other times she remembers and asks nicely the first time. It’s been getting better, slowly but surely. I’m at work most of the day, so I only really have to listen to whining on the weekend. Weekdays are generally peaceful– I think because they are more structured and we all know what to expect.

      Something that also helps is understanding what things are developmentally appropriate and trying to keep in mind reasonable expectations. Kids don’t really turn into real people until they are around age 5, which is why formal education starts at that point. Prior to then, they are developmentally incapable of full logic, empathy, or self-control. It’s not that they are “bad” when they do certain things, it’s that their brains are not fully developed yet. As a parent, you have to work with them and teach them these things over and over, while understanding that they are not going to fully get it yet.

      Also, the intensity of the good parts of having a kid so beyond make up for the intensity of the bad parts. This is unfortunately one of those things that is impossible to explain– you have to experience it to believe it. I say this as someone who was completely ambivalent about having kids ever for many many years.

      FWIW, you don’t have to have more than one kid. It’s the cultural norm to have 2, but you don’t have to. I can’t stand the sounds of children bickering, it makes me want to rip my hair out and run away screaming. So I just had one kid. Now I get to listen to myself bickering with her, which is much better! (I kid).

      1. Agreed. This is something that all kids do, but some kids do it more than others. Just like most childhood developmental stages. You also become somewhat immune? accustomed to? your own child’s personality and that make things a little easier because you know what to expect and how to tolerate it. I also find that while I love my own kid something fierce that doesn’t mean that I love all kids the same way so I may be more/less annoyed when another kid does something than when my kid does it. (a lot of my parent friends feel this way).

        1. Agreed – my friend’s now 6 year old was a royal PITA when she was 3 and 4. Whining, incessant temper tantrums, etc. She’s much better now.

          I have a 2 year old and I find that she doesn’t really whine that much. Or maybe I have a great tolerance for it because she’s mine.

      2. This is one of the best explanations of whining and teaching not to whine that I’ve seen.

    2. I don’t think whining is a universal thing. I have a 3 year old and I really don’t like whining, so I’ve always taken a staunch “no whining” stance with him, and he never really adopted whining as a habit. For me, when he introduced whining (probably learned from other kids at daycare), I would calmly say things like “I can’t understand what you’re trying to say when you say it like that,” or “use your regular voice to ask for things, buddy.” He caught on really quickly that whining wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

      (That said, I’m certain that my child does all sorts of other things that drive people crazy!)

      1. +1. I always make my LO ask politely for something (using a full sentence with “please”) and won’t give him anything if he is simply whining for it. He’s still young, but I’m hoping this approach will teach him that he can’t get what he wants by whining or throwing a tantrum. It seems to be going well so far.

        1. ha, I’m glad other people do this! I feel like people look at me askance when I ask my kids to rephrase their requests. They have to say “May I please have…” or “Will you please give me.” “I want…please” is not acceptable even though it ends in please, because my kids totally tack the “please” on a beat too late after I’m already giving them A Look. They need to build the politeness in from the beginning!

          1. On a slightly related note, my 92-year-old father has completely stopped saying “please” and “thank you.” Who knows — maybe he never said them and I just didn’t notice. But I have lunch with my parents once a week and I cringe all through the meal. I say “I’ll have the chicken salad, please.” And he says “Gimme the soup.” Drives. me. nuts.

          2. We do this too. “Please” counts for nothing unless the whole request is spoken in a polite voice. This works well for us.

      2. I did that same thing when my son was little and it worked pretty well because I don’t remember whining to have been a big issue for us. (Although Lord knows we had plenty of other issues!)

    3. In general, I would probably fall on the more patient than average side of being a parent, but I really dislike whining. I dislike it to the point where when my (very young) child couldn’t yet verbalize and would be whining/grunting because he wanted something I say to him, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Can you use your words or signs so I can get you what you want?’ If he keeps whining, I say, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t understand.’ And then I walk away.

      Consequently, he got very good very early at saying/signing for things he wanted/needed. If he wants something now but lacks the verbal capacity, he says/signs ‘please’ instead of whining for it. Downside is that he says ‘no!’ a lot, but that’s fine with me.

      This is what my mother always did with children. She refused to play the guessing game, which helped us all (she did in home daycare too) develop our language skills. With older whining kids, she would say (very politely), ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand you right now. If you would like to talk about your feelings, I will listen.’ My mother definitely has her faults, but she was really really good at teaching kids to communicate

    4. I have a 4 y/o and she has never been a whiner. The only times I can recall have been when she was going through phases of poor sleep coupled with major life changes (ie new baby) and it was a symptom of Major Overtired/underfed.

      I think this is really kid-dependent because I know several of her friends whine when they don’t get their way/need attention. Mine tends to skulk instead.

      1. Also- not sure if this is related but reading Clementine’s response reminded me. My kids were both verbal very early on, so perhaps that plays a part. They didn’t/don’t use whining as a substitute for words.

    5. Not a parent, but an aunt of 6 kids in 4 families ranging from 6-14. All of them went through phases where they were whinier, but they were definitely phases (short-lived), and usually coincided with either a physical or developmental growth spurt.

    6. Mine really doesn’t, but we made a conscious decision to try to nip that in the bud as early as possible. When he was 2 or 3 and would start whining, we would say “I think you can ask again in a different way” or restate his request back to him in a non-whiny tone and say “is that what you wanted to say?” I am a big fan of letting kids feel their feelings, but I am also a big fan of teaching kids to communicate in an effective way. Whether it’s whining, subtle manipulation, blatant manipulation, temper tantrums, etc., there’s a more effective way to get what you want. So we worked on that. We would ask our son, “can you just tell me what you want in simple words?” and he would do it. I am not trying to say he never whines or tries to manipulate us now, but we hear a lot less of it.

      IME, past age 4, kids will use the communication method that gets them results. If that’s whining or temper tantrums, they’ll do that. If it’s manipulating you, they’ll do that. If they communicate directly, and they get what they want/need, or at least get a reasonable response from you, they’ll do that. We always tried to talk to our son not necessarily like he was an adult, but like he had a brain, and some capacity to reason things out, and it’s worked out for us. These absolutely are things you can influence, even if you can’t totally control them.

      1. Same here. Mine are 2 and 4, and while they whine occasionally, it’s not incessant. For us, we just had to be diligent for about a 3 month period each to make sure that whining did NOT get results. Sometimes it meant standing in a store for 15 minutes while you waited for them to ASK to get back in the cart. Sometimes it even meant getting them a second helping of dessert because they asked nicely with words. Now we just say “Use your words” and it’s enough to remind them what gets results.

        The whining happens more when 1) they’re overtired or 2) they’re in a new place and testing boundaries. So we try to recognize those are the triggers and prepare ourselves for additional patience. We try to be extra explicit to help them reason through their emotions and wants, and that seems to influence the behavior.

        Basically, being a good parent takes lots of work even when you don’t want to do it. To me, that’s the biggest determining factor on whether you should have kids. Do you want to put in a ton of excruciating effort and work for months on end (technically for 18+ years) to hopefully end up with a functioning adult? Great, have a kid. If not, then don’t.

    7. Mine have gone through whiny phases. My 2.5-year-old is currently in one. It’s a testing thing, and it’s a pain in the neck. When he whines, I try to have him start over and try again in without whining.

    8. Agreed, it depends a lot on the kid and a lot on the kid’s age. There are things you can do to limit it, but I’m pretty sure all kids do some degree of whining and some are more resistant to techniques to redirect them. My 2 and 4 year old both whine occasionally, but I don’t respond to it and tell them to ask again in a big boy/girl voice so I can understand. If they can’t stop whining after a reminder, that’s my tip-off that they’re too tired and need to go to bed. imho, whining is pretty developmentally appropriate through age 5 or 6. If kids are still whining a lot after that, I have some sideye.

      Side note, OP, although I get that you’re interested in whining because it came up in your life recently, I’m sorry to say that it is pretty far down on my list of things that are difficult about toddlers & preschoolers. You do get immune to some of the annoyances, but kids are trying. Most people become more patient and tolerant of kid quirks because they love their children, but it’s worth thinking about how much work and patience young children require in the context of your own life and personality. All Joy and No Fun is a book that really resonated with me in a lot of ways and could be an interesting jumping off point to consider those questions. My kids add (net) joy to my life, but I totally understand how some people come to the conclusion that they’d be happier without children.

      1. You need lots of patience with kids. Whining is a thing that all kids do – you can develop tools to minimize it, but it’s going to happen. They also don’t listen to you, love to say ‘no’, hit/bite/kick/scratch, refuse to change their clothes, refuse to eat any food, throw food, throw toys, dump all their toys on the floor and refuse to pick them up, etc. This stuff is going to happen and it’s a parent’s job to make sure their kid is taught that much of this behavior is inappropriate.

        It’s completely okay to not want to sign up for that — it can be exhausting. Echoing some of the other posters above, it’s hard to explain why kids are so great. They just are. My terrible two-year old is a nightmare a lot of the time, but I love him so much my heart hurts. He’s so funny, and loving, and smart, and curious, and being his parent is a huge exciting adventure. But yeah, he whines.

    9. Whining only works as communication for the child if you let it work. If you listen to whining, they will continue to whine. If they learn that you don’t respond to it, they will find another way to communicate with you that gets them the results they need.

      That said developmentally they might when super tired/hungry etc not be able to form a complete sentence so you might need to help them respond appropriately example: Can you point to what you want?

      With children who are a bit older 5+ I tell them when they are not in a whining mood, when everything is calm that I have special ears that can’t hear whining so if they need to get my attention they have to use their normal voice. I give zero response when they whine (like don’t even say “I can’t hear that voice”) and they quickly learn how to get my attention.

    10. It depends on the kid. My oldest is going through a major whining phase right now. I think it is perfectly acceptable to be annoyed by it, I sure am. I think with my own kid his other qualities make up for his whining and as long as he is not being outright disrespectful I try to brush it off as a passing phase.

  4. I think my company is either up for sale or already sold. I’m a mid-level project manager at a small (under 200 employees) manufacturing business. All the signs are there: multiple consultants in and out, retiring of top owners, not replacing top tier managers when they leave, lots of meetings and travel for the President who never leaves. Rumors about a company sale have gone around for years, but this time it feels true.

    I feel like I’m in a good position with my company. I’m not redundant, I have a good work ethic and rapport with the current owners/President, and I have good relationships with my customer base. Anyone have any advice on how to survive (and thrive) in a company transition? I know that I could be 100% amazing, but if the new company has a Project Manager in mind for my position I’m going to be out anyway–and I should have a resume ready just in case–but I’d like to stay.

    1. I’d say my advice would differ based on the acquisition strategy. If it’s a complement/tuck-in where your company has different offerings than the acquiring one, I’d recommend showing how well you can learn the new company’s offerings and PM both sides of the house. Be a team player and don’t get caught up in reminiscing how everything was better pre-aqusition.

      If your company is being bought by a competitor with duplicate offerings, I’d approach it with enthusiasm – try not to get bogged down in the water cooler talk (“oh the payroll system/benefits/travel policy here is *so bad*, the is so dated/old, can’t believe we have to work like this”). Try and help cross educate. Look for opportunities to advance.

      If your company was bought by a PE firm, playbup your ability to bring projects in on time/under budget. Typically-but not always- the PE firms are going to hold for ~5 years and want to get return on the investment by lowering costs, increasing profits, usually both.

    2. Do you know who will be leading / on the integration team yet? These people will likely be the ones helping to determine the structure of the future company.

      Additionally has anything been released with respect to cost synergy expectations? This would give you a ballpark initial read of the potential scale of layoffs. I’d say having your resume ready / dipping your toe in the hiring waters might be beneficial. I won’t lie to you, often in M&A, especially if this deal is being done for scale / cost synergy reasons (as opposed to say new business entry / superior technology) , there can be some pretty large layoffs.

    3. I think your rapport, etc. with people matters less than the importance of your projects to the Company. If they plan to continue those projects, you’re well positioned. If not, I don’t think there’s much you can do. I’m in finance and see a lot of M&A as a third party, both from the buying and selling sides.

      1. I’m sure you’re right. If I manage Product X, and new company no longer wants to carry Product X, then I’m out. If new company already has a fully staffed Product X Division somewhere else, my workload will be absorbed there and I’ll still be out.

        I guess I’m only safe if new company wants to continue selling Product X as is, in my current role and location. In the end all I can do is wait and see.

        Man. That’s bleak.

    4. My company just went through a major merger/acquisition. When I think about the people that were retained on the ‘acquired’ side of things, they all had the same following attributes:
      – Had an overall positive attitude
      – Were open and willing to change existing processes

      Just keep an open mind that the acquiring organization will no doubt have their own method of doing things, which will inevitably affect your role. So by keeping a positive attitude and being open to change, you put yourself in a good position to stick around – most won’t be so enthusiastic.

  5. Favorite alternative to amazon, for new books? My local bookstore went under :(, so I can’t just ask them to special order anymore.

    1. Powell’s is a good option if you want to support an independent bookstore online. Shipping will be slower than Amazon, but I assume from your question that you want to avoid Amazon/B&N.

      1. Well, to be fair, the population has dropped precipitously, and they were competing with Walmart and a bustling used paperback store. So I don’t lay this one entirely at amazon’s feet, although I agree with your point.

    2. Are there other independent book stores further out in your area/state that do mail order? (Maybe check the closest metro area) I try to get all my new books from Harvard Bookstore and Brookline Booksmith in the Boston area. They have great mail order (although it might take 1-2 weeks depending on whether they have the book in stock), but I thought you might prefer to support a bookstore in your area.

    3. The Chicago area has Andersons Bookshop, a local family-owned store that has 3 locations. Their website is atrocious but you can order books from there to buy online but support local.

    4. non-responsive, but library? I almost never buy books; it’s a rare day when a book I want to read is nowhere in the library system, and they’ll ship it to my local branch.

      1. There are still a few I want to invest in owning, especially when I know it will take me a long time to read. This time it’s Sherman Alexie’s memoir, You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me. I’m sooo excited about it, but I know it will be crushingly sad and I’ll have to put it down and take breaks.

    5. Parnassus Books in Nashville is owned by the author Ann Patchett and a great independent bookstore, and I believe will ship for you!

    6. I like to buy used books from BetterWorldBooks. It’s just as cheap as Amazon’s used-book sellers (typically $4 including shipping), there is a large selection, and they donate a percentage of profits to literacy charities!

  6. I sneezed unexpectedly yesterday. While it’s wasn’t a total blowout, it was enough leakage to feel unfresh. And now I’m thinking that while I’m not about to buy Depends, I guess it’s time to start wearing a panty liner every day just in case. At least during allergy season.

    FWIW, two v deliveries with lots of pushing, last one was 7 years ago.

    1. I think this is a pretty common condition for women. Have you talked to your doctor about treatments/therapies?

      1. Yes, I went to a PT a few months after my last delivery for a month or two, and for the life of me cannot understand why this isn’t more commonly prescribed. Can’t hurt to ask for an rx and go see if they can help you.

    2. You don’t have to live like that. You can get pelvic floor physical therapy. Peeing yourself for the rest of your life is not necessary.

    3. Based on a prior assessment, my clenching muscles are really strong. I think that they are capable of being surprised though. So, not bad and yet . . .

      I played tennis with an older lady who noted that as you age, this becomes more and more of a problem. Like the older ladies doubles leagues take forever b/c of the pee breaks. But tennis is a lot of stuff that ought to toughen those muscles with the sudden lunging, etc.

      1. It sounds like you already talked to an expert, but there are several actions that my PT worked on, clenching up and in being only one of them. I’d really go to a pelvic floor PT. They are amazing.

      2. Clenching can actually weaken the pelvic floor. You can be so tight that the muscles weaken even if you keep clenching. Kegals can actually make this worse, not better for some people. Joining everyone else in the recommendation for a PT that specializes in pelvic floor or post-partum care (and even though it’s been awhile since post-partum, they can still help!). I’m also doing this program called Restore Your Core that you can purchase which is great for pelvic floor issues (I’m not selling it myself, just a happy customer!).

    4. This is not a mommy thing. I’m 43, no kids, never been pregnant, and pee every time I sneeze or suddenly exert myself (i.e. lifting heavy furniture). Time to start Kegel exercises.

      1. +1 Same, except I am 37 and this has been happening to me for years. I did pelvic floor therapy and if I keep up my exercises, I don’t pee myself anymore.

        This is not something you have to live with, but it’s also not just about doing kegels all the time. Please go do pelvic floor therapy. I tell everyone about it. It’s not shameful and it’s something you can correct.

      2. Thank goodness it isn’t just me! It started at 35 and I thought “WTH?! I didn’t think this would happen if I didn’t have kids!” I have more of an issue with urgency, especially if I get dehydrated. I have no idea why this is so.

    5. Definitely tell your doctor, and go to some pelvic floor exercises.

      I’m in medicine, and while on my OB/GYN rotation a male doctor gave an interesting talk on all the long term complications of pregnancy/childbirth on the health of the mother. It was fascinating, and explosive let me tell you. But for me it was eye opening.

        1. I don’t know of one, but I’ll poke around….

          Let’s just say, even though many of the complications are rare or relatively “mild” or treatable/manageable/”worth it”, after we heard that talk several of us female MDs said…… “No way…. no kids for me…..”

          Just the pelvic floor / vaginal issues alone (which vary a lot) were never talked about in the past, patients weren’t warned, and (mostly male) doctors did not consider them to be significant or worthy of treatment. Peeing yourself regularly and disrupted sleep are pretty significant issues in my book, I don’t know about you…

          1. What if it’s not regularly, just maybe a small slip once a month (like not noticeable by others or in the toddler wet pants sense of wet)? Is the cure worse than the disease?

            I’m sleeping fine; if I weren’t, I’d escalate that.

          2. No, the cure could be just some pelvic floor exercises as others mention. Surgery is much less common.

      1. I had always been pretty decided on no kids for me, but let’s just say that a couple of years of doing med mal cases, a large chunk of which were related to childbirth, really solidified that decision for me. I know the vast majority of times it’s fine, but nope.

    6. +1 to not having to live like this. Pelvic floor physical therapy. We know so much we didn’t know even 5 years ago, let alone 10 or 20.

    7. I went through PT and didn’t notice improvement, and ultimately decided to have surgery (mid-urethral sling) earlier this year. It has been life changing for me. It sounds like you do not have as much leakage as I did – I leaked a lot with exercise, enough that I gave up running, and wore a pad every day – but I do encourage you to get treatment. PT works for many, and if it doesn’t, there are other options. The recovery was really easy for me and it worked!

  7. I’m 27 and my hair has been falling out for about two months. I just got married, and the last thing I thought I’d dislike about my wedding photos is thin, patchy hair in my up-do! It’s my understanding that hair loss can be a result of stress, and in addition to the wedding I suffered some on-going health stress a few months ago as well. My doctor confirmed stress can be a major factor and that it would “probably” come back. She didn’t seem too concerned and ran some blood tests for iron, b12 and thyroid. My mom’s hair has thinned, but in her 40s/50s, not this early.

    Assuming it’s stress, has anyone been here before and can provide hope that it will come back? I’m taking those hair/nail/skin vitamins with biotin, and just started fish oil. I think I will start taking collagen powder too? Trying to do as little as possible with my hair, limiting washing, styling, heat etc. I feel a lot less stressed now that we’re settling back into normal life. Other ideas for riding this out and encouraging hair growth and hiding the thinning? It’s really hurting my self esteem when I run my hands through it and handfuls come out.

    1. I know a woman whose hair fell out in clumps when she discovered her husband had been cheating on her. It lasted a year-18 months. It eventually came back when things settled down. She got really good at strategic updos.

    2. My hair fell out for a couple months when I moved cities and started a new job. Don’t worry, it’ll come back!

    3. Did you go on a crash diet for the wedding? Or a ramped up exercise routine? Health issues, stress, diet and exercise factors can all lead to hair loss, assuming your blood tests comes back negative.

      1. +1. Focus on your protein intake and make sure you’re getting enough calories for your activity level. Hair powders can fake volume.

        If you talk to your doc – I’ve been taking spironolactone for six months for acne, and while it’s had a small effect on my zits, it’s making the hair on my head grow like nobody’s business. Might be something to mention.

    4. I had this same thing happen my last semester of college when I was trying to look for a job while also trying to finish out college strong. Garnier Fructis makes a shampoo and conditioner that is specifically made to keep hair from falling out…not sure if it really works, but it made me feel better/like I was doing something to help. I also went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and put on an anti-anxiety medication which helped. My adrenaline levels were also checked, and were sky high (like 5x the normal amount) so there was the possibility of a tumor on my adrenal glands as well, which could contribute to the hair loss/stress. (The meds helped bring my adrenaline levels down, so no tumor)

      Basically: try a hair strengthening shampoo/conditioner and see if an anti nxiety medication helps. It does grow back, which is not helpful now, but something to look forward to? Hugs, it’s a pain to deal with!

    5. The same happened to me after a prolonged period of stress – ill health, an unexpected break-up, and moving cities. I took the same strategy as you, and tried not to do too much to my hair, and, at the same time, got referred to CBT for anxiety issues. It’s still thinner than normal, a year and a half later, but I am definitely seeing fuzzy regrowth around my hairline. It can be hard keeping the stress/anxiety in check.

    6. Dermatologists specialize in hair, skin and nails. Go to a dermatologist. There are a lot of reasons for hair loss, including reasons related to hormone levels, that you cannot fix yourself and will get worse with time. You might have a great general practitioner that you trust but a derm is a better choice for this.

    7. Your photographer can fix your hair in the photos. Please have him or her do that so they won’t bug you!

    8. I dealt with this when I changed BC +went through a really stressful time. My hair got noticeably patchy at the temples and I was noticing lots of hair coming out in the shower. I stopped using dry shampoo, took vitamins/supplements, addressed some of the biggest stressors in my life, and started using the highest reviewed thinning hair shampoo I could find from Sephora. It mostly grew back.

    9. My hair started to thin when I was in my 20s and has stayed kind of thin. I saw a dermatologist who ran a few blood tests to make sure that it wasn’t anything medical, but ended up determining it was just my genes. It sucks, but it’s something you can deal with.

      Take Biotin every day. I noticed a bit of an improvement after about 5 months.

      Also, get some Toppik. They are tiny little hair fibers that you spray into your hair, and it will hide your scalp. It is amazing — I use it every week day for work.

    10. One of my good friends lost a ton of hair while her mother had cancer and then passed away. It all came back. I think it started to get thicker maybe a year later.

    11. My SIL had this happen during post-partum and thought it was just that, but eventually she went to a dermatologist and found out she had some sort of fungus that was causing it, so if you can’t figure it out, you might get checked out that way.

  8. I find MM LaFleur to be over-priced polyester. I’m getting a little sick of the constant selling on this s i t e.

    1. It is not cheap polyester, to be sure.

      But it’s like ponte, some is less expensive and some is cheaper, and they are not the same. There is eye-popping expensive polyester, and this ain’t it. Eye-popping, water-spotting, dry-clean only polyester. So for me, for my life, some MM has been great (and has earned its keep in saved dry-cleaner bills).

      1. Agreed. I get annoyed by the harping on synthetic fibers, as if they were all created equal. Sometimes they can wear and pack better than natural fibers. And I say this as someone who does prefer natural fibers.

        And…this jacket is rayon/nylon, not polyester. Processed fiber, yes, but not petroleum based.

        1. Hate to burst your bubble but nylon is a polyamide / petroleum derivative – you are right on rayon though it’s a processed cellulose fiber (usually from wood I think?)

          – Source: work in O&G

          1. Fine then. It’s 10% petroleum derived. Point being, not all synthetic fibers are polyester or petroleum based. Or evil.

          2. Totally agree with you. Lives are literally saved in many cases due to the superiority of synthetic fibers to natural fibers – regardless of where they come from. There are petroleum based products (Kevlar) that don’t have replacements and I for one am happy our men and women who serve / work in law enforcement have access to this incredible technology.

          3. Interesting — I hadn’t thought of where Kevlar comes from. I just knew there weren’t bullet-proof sheep out there (and if there were, it would probably be hard to shear them).

          4. “I just knew there weren’t bullet-proof sheep out there (and if there were, it would probably be hard to shear them).”

            BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAA. ok. That was awesome.

    2. As I’ve said elsewhere on here, I’ve been disappointed with how my MM LF items. Washable skirt is pilling and hems came undone in most of the items I own — and I only made my first purchase within the last 9 months or so. I was willing to give them a lot of money as I was looking to revamp my professional wardrobe after years of pregnancy and pumping. But they are not getting another cent from me. In their defense, they offered me a $50 GC to their store for my troubles (not all that generous given the price point for their cheapest items) and refunded the tailoring costs. Their QC could use some work.

      1. I agree. My skirts also pilled, the dress waists hit me too high, and the jardigan isn’t as great as I thought after reading the reviews here.

        Also, people here are so touchy about anything negative about MMLF, but I appreciate that I’m not the only one who doesn’t get the hype.

      2. Yeah I got four MM LF items and the skirt pilled, the blouse bled black dye all over my expensive lingerie in the wash, and I ended up not wearing the scarf much. Love the Nisa dress but I’m done.

    3. In general, I don’t agree, but I do agree with the over-priced fabric description for the jardigan. I tried it on and my reaction was “Seriously, this is what everyone raves about???”

      1. I like the dresses I got from them (although hem fell out of one), but I agree with jwalk on the jardigan. Looked and felt cheap- I do not get the hype.

    4. I disagree.

      The style and utility is not common. This is not just simple polyester. I have both versions of the jardigan (shorter/longer) and they work great in my wardrobe. I am a monochromatic minimalist, and always look chic.

      The “dupes” for this jardigan that have been discussed here are laughingly far from the MM Lafleur item in quality.

      I also am tired of the preaching about “I only wear natural fibers blah blah blah….” and posts like the OP when it sounds like she hasn’t even tried on the item in question and just wants to be judge-y.

        1. So I’m someone who tries to wear as many natural fibers as possible, within reason. I will preempt this with a statement that I realize that all clothing manufacturing is environmentally intensive, and I completely understand why others buy synthetics. For me, I’m not a fan of how synthetics smell after wearing, and I’m especially concerned about the environmental impact. While all clothing manufacturing is environmentally harmful, the impact at all points of the life cycle of synthetics is what steers me away from them.

          Finding natural fibers to wear to work can be trickier, but it’s certainly not impossible. Wool, silk, cashmere, cotton, and linen are all used to produce beautiful clothing. I’m not going to work in a hemp sundress, I promise! And yes, it can be almost impossible to avoid at times. Want lined suiting? It’s not going to be lined in silk at the price points I can afford. What I’m really sick of is things like t-shirts being made in cotton/poly or cotton/modal blends. It should not be hard to find 100% cotton tank tops!

          Obviously, synthetics offer certain performance advantages for certain activities. I’m not sure if the above poster who mentioned Kevlar was being facetious (I don’t think anybody in the “wear natural fibers” crowd is arguing that that rule should apply to safety equipment…) I do wear some synthetics to work out in, but I try to seriously limit how much I buy. I’m also just fine jogging in old cotton t-shirts when it’s not blazing hot. 20 years ago, plenty of people wore cotton to work out and we were just fine! Most of us aren’t running marathons or training for the Olympics. My middle and high school gym suits were cotton.

        2. I love me some MM Lafleur, but I work out in cotton tanks and leggings, with wool versions for the winter. Much more pleasant.

      1. I am one of the natural fiber crowd and the workouts I do (which are admittedly limited) are yoga and dance (3 days a week). For these, I wear cotton tunics. I prefer to workout in cotton (even if sweaty) because I dont like the feel of the wicking type clothes on my skin. Particularly for workout tops. For bottoms I do wear synthetic workout shorts and am less bothered somehow by the feel.

    5. I don’t get the obsession with it either. I was tempted to try them given reviews, discussion here, and the price being lower than what I usually pay. The quality of the items was so bad for the price that I sent them back. Fit was also bizarre-extra room/fabric in places where I can’t understand why it was there. Prices for Theory for example are really not much higher if at all. And I’d rather spend a bit more for Theory and Boss quality, and look for higher end brands on sale.

    6. What I like about MMLF is the fit. Most styles are feminine and flattering, while still office appropriate for a law firm. Most other cardigans marketed as work-appropriate are too clingy, too boxy or pill noticeably (thank you, cashmere). So I can live with a poly-blend that is nicely fitted and travels pretty well without wrinkling.

  9. Do the jardigans have actual long sleeves? Or are they bracelet or 3/4 length? I can’t tell from the s*te, they look short.

    1. Short. I can’t ballpark it b/c I have extra-long arms. And fairly snug (so hard to wear over 3/4 or sleeved items).

    2. I have average or slightly short arms and the St Ambroeus (sp?) jardigan is bracelet-length on me. When I wear it over a long-sleeved blouse I usually have about 1″ of shirt sleeves peeking out.

    3. I am wearing a jardigan right now (the Woolf, not the St. Ambrose), and the sleeves are regular long sleeves on me. I don’t think I have particularly long or short arms; I think they are average length. If I bend my elbow, there is about an inch between my wrist bone (the knobby place where my hand joins my wrist) and the tip of the sleeve.

    4. There are two jardigans. The shorter one (St. Ambrose) has 3/4 sleeves. The longer one (Woolf) is regular long sleeves.

      1. Has MM sizing changed recently? About 6 months ago I ordered my first dresses. Had to get one in a bigger size because it was too small; the other one (my regular size) fit perfectly. Fast forward to two weeks ago and I ordered three new dresses in my typical size, and they were all too big. Exchanged them for a smaller size, still too big. Has vanity sizing crept in?

          1. I don’t think so… i usually go up a size in MMLF (both a few years ago and when I went to a popup recently) — and I was in the same size. I did notice sizing was a little inconsistent across products, though, so that may have been what you saw (e.g., those particular dresses ran large?)

      2. Rats. I will have to skip them then. Hate when long sleeves are not actually long! (I also have long arms)

    5. Depends on your height–if you’re 5’1″ like me, the sleeves will be so long as to hit mid-palm. Doesn’t work for me, and they don’t make a petite size.

  10. Finally got around to reading Anne-Marie Slaughter’s book Unfinished Business – well worth it in case anyone wanted a rec! I’m still starting my professional journey, but I found her perspective and honesty refreshing. I read Lean In a few years and “drank the kool-aid,” at first, so to speak, but Slaughter’s book (so far) feels more honest and aware of the fact that not everyone can afford domestic help and other aspects of socioeconomic and cultural differences and struggles that Lean In ignored.

    I keep sending quotes from the book to my SO and it’s helping us talking more effectively about what our balance might look like.

    1. I’d also recommend all joy and no fun for a pretty honest look at what current parenting looks like if that is the direction you think you’re headed.

    2. +1 I really enjoyed Unfinished Business. It felt so refreshingly honest and accurate about the struggle of being an ambitious woman with a demanding career who also wants to be fully present for her family.

  11. Can someone point me to a thread where we last discussed comfortable but not “omg American in flip flops” travel footwear? I know it pops up from time to time but my google-fu is failing me.

    Thanks in part to your advice last week, we decided to stay in Paris for our entire trip (Labor Day week) and do a few day trips outside the city. Based on a cursory search, weather looks like it could be balmy and high 70’s or cool and rainy.

    I have:
    – Most comfortable and what I would wear for running around Philly: Rainbow flip flops, gray Nikes w/ neon trim, packable black Hunters. Aside from the Hunters, both options are too casual for Paris, correct?
    – Moderately comfortable but my feet would be screaming by mid-afternoon: Ballet flats, dressy flat sandals, slides, Keds

    The popular Converse/Adidas Stan Smiths aren’t my style, and neither are booties (I have short legs). I’d rather not spend AGL money on shoes that I don’t actually need for regular life, either.

    Suggestions for either type of weather? Are those washable flats (can’t remember the name but I think they’re in the $100 price range?) as comfortable as promised?

      1. Is there a functional difference b/w these and regular sneakers? I have really high arches and my feet have a hate-hate relationship with many types of cute footwear. I may have to be THAT TOURIST in Keens or Birkenstock Arizonas (that I generally wear with socks).

        1. They are flatter with less lateral support than a running shoe, for example, but I find them much more wearable for long days of walking than Converse or an Adidas street shoe. They do have some arch support, but not as much as a running shoe.

        2. If you wear Birks with socks, you already stick out at home. Is it that much more different to stick out abroad?

      2. Yup. I was there in March and almost every woman I saw was in Stan Smiths or New Balance (classics, not trail looking shoes). I stuck some store bought orthotics in there an was good to go. (I also wore store bought orthotics in in Disneyworld walking 12 miles a day.)

        I’d bring 2 pairs of sneaks (I like to alternate to avoid blisters) and 1 pair of flats for evening and be done with it.

    1. I would just wear the Nikes. It’s not worth the pain of flats, slides, etc., and if your outfit is otherwise sleek, it will be ok. I came to this conclusion on my last trip to Florence when I almost had to be carried down the steps of the Duomo because my cute flat sandals just could not take me another step.

    2. How much do you walk on trips? We are big walkers (will typically log 30k steps a day) and wear non-athletic sneakers during those big walking trips. I will bring some dressier shoes but don’t expect to be doing the day’s walking in them. They are for the couple of times we eat some place dressier, but not somewhere we are walking 3 miles to. Stan Smiths are really popular in Europe, but if they aren’t your style, so be it. I would bring at least one neutral-looking sneaker for day and a slightly dressier shoe for the couple of times you go back to your hotel, change, and eat someplace nice. Do you have some booties? Depending on the weather, those might be a good bet and are a little easier to both walk a lot in and wear with a dressier outfit, but it may be too hot for your comfort. As far as sneakers go, (from NAS): Treasure and Bond Merrick, or the fabulous Caslon Camden sneaker. There are also lots of great booties and flats in the sale.

      1. We’ll be walking a TON. Thanks for the sneaker recs – I will check them out.

        I do wish that the locals would grade on a curve – it’s easy to wear chic little flats around when you’re just doing your normal daily life walking rather than “I’m only here for a week and spending all day on my feet” walking…

    3. Rothy’s are what you’re talking about in your last sentence, and they are PERFECT for Paris. I wore mine every single day there. You might want to add arch support if you plan to walk a lot (although I didn’t and was fine). Because they’re washable, I didn’t worry about them getting wet in the rain. I would definitely not wear flip flops. I saw people in sneakers but they definitely outed their wearers as Americans.

      1. Thanks! Any sizing advice you can give? I’m either a 7 or 7.5 typically, with a somewhat narrow heel.

        1. Hmm. I’d say to go with 7.5 because mine are a little tight around the toe box (I have the points), but with the narrow heel the 7 might be better, especially if you get the round toe.

        2. I usually wear either an 8 or 8.5. The 8 fit me in the round toe, but I needed 8.5 with the pointy toe, and with that I’m still wondering whether I’d be happier with a 9.

        3. I usually wear a 8 or an 8.5, and the 8.5 was right for me in the round toe.

          I really like my Rothy’s and they are definitely getting a lot of wear, but I think their comfort level is a tiny bit overhyped. I don’t find them any more comfortable than my Puma Zandy’s after the initial break-in period. I’m hoping that they’ll last a little longer than my Zandy’s because of being washable. But if you often wear comfortable shoes, you probably won’t feel like the Rothy’s are perfect amazing clouds or anything.

          1. Also agree with this. I love them because they aren’t leather, and I am trying to give up leather. But if that’s not a concern for you, there are lots of good equivalents.

    4. I think this concern is SO overblown. You’ll look like a tourist because you ARE A TOURIST. Not because of what you’re wearing. I’m not picking on you specifically, but I see this sentiment everywhere on the internet and it makes me nuts. You’re traveling. You’re sightseeing. You will be miserable if you have sore feet. Sometimes, the more fashionable option is just not the right one. Wear a pair of tennis shoes and be done with it, and be happy that you’re not killing your feet. Black shoes often look more nondescript/blend in more. I’ve been pleased with my black Nike Pegasus shoes for sightseeing and travel.

      1. I agree with you in part – I don’t think I’m going to fool anyone into thinking I’m a local. But I’d rather be viewed as “nicely dressed tourist” than “ding ding ding we have a winner in American Basic B!tch Bingo.”

        1. I would totally play that game. When I’m mean, I play it by local neighborhood stereotypes as a time-waster now instead of looking at my phone.

        2. Agreed. Parisians generally were much more dressed up than Americans were and I was very happy I took the time (and a little money) to up my wardrobe game before I went. To me it wasn’t just about fitting in but also showing respect for their culture, in the same way I learned the importance of greetings, not picking up food and clothes in the markets, and other basic etiquette. Putting in a bit of effort makes a big difference and we saw that in the way we were treated, IMO.

      2. yep, completely. I can spot tourists from a mile away, even the ones with cute clothes.

      3. Sometimes people don’t want to look like tourists to avoid being pickpocketed or targeted. But I agree on the comfy shoes front – sneakers are having a moment, I don’t see what ‘s wrong about wearing them when you’re out and about all day, home or abroad.

      4. honestly tho, I look at Euro tourists here in America and they ain’t sh!t either. I can also spot them from a mile away.

      5. I think I am always going to stick out — bigger, always smiling, going out and about in a way that suggests I grew up western.

        That said, how can I pass for Canadian or more generic tourist? Other than getting a maple-leaf shirt or wearing hockey jerseys? I’ve lived abroad before and while everyone seems to feel strongly about Americans, I feel that being mistaken for Canadian would be better in a part of the world I will be visiting soon.

        1. Man you are not kidding about that “always smiling” thing – as a born and bred Midwesterner, I have to consciously remind myself about this while traveling.

        2. yeah, my sister has lived in Europe for ten years and says she can always spot another American, regardless of race, at 20 yards – not because of how they are dressed or how they talk, but just by the way they take up space and exist in the world.

      1. With London, IIRC, there is a bit of a punk scene, so I’m less afraid of getting it so, so wrong there. With Paris, I am a bit of a scared high school freshman worried that I will get my look all wrong.

        1. I was just in Paris in October. I am 25. I wore black/neon pink nikes, some old white converse, and on a hot day (gasp!) flip flops. As long as you don’t have a backpack and a nikon around your neck you will fit in fine. Most tourists and Parisians were wearing some form of sneaker. Seriously, sneakers are fine.

    5. My biggest suggestion is to bring a ton of comfortable shoes!
      I bring:
      – a nice dressy pair of shoes that will work with all my dinner outfits
      – 2-3 walking pairs of shoes
      – sandals for the beach or hiking shoes depending on the itinerary

      Do not bring brandnew shoes – bring shoes that you have worn for multiple days so they are broken in.

      I know Rick Steves would have a heart attack in shock that I am bringing so many shoes but the deal is- if you get a blister from wearing shoes because for the first time ever you are wearing them for 30,000 steps and you got a blister…well you don’t want to wear that same pair the next day. You would want to wear a pair of shoes that hits in a different way.

      I think shoes benefit from having a day off to breath and bounce back, and I think my feet do a lot better from days of walking if I mix up what shoes I am wearing. I also swear by smartwool socks (yes year round) to give me great cushion and support while walking.

      Oh and i would never wear flip flops in Paris simply because Paris is so dirty! Also someone could totally crush your toes on the metro.

    6. All Birds sneakers – can’t recommend them enough. I have them in all black and they definitely looked chic enough when I was in Paris.

    7. Was there in 2016…

      pair of sneaks (many great recommendations here)

      also brought my Fly London booties. Some Flys can be a bit f u g l y; the booties are not and served me incredibly well. Wore with black tights and skirts for dressier days; wore with jeans; wore all the dang time. Only brought the two pair; never felt like I needed anything more.

  12. I’m facing two upcoming drives of 6+ hours each way, one of which will be at night. I’m stocking up on podcasts and audiobooks (thanks to past threads for great recs!) but wondered if you ladies had any other solo road trip insights to share. Snacks that are easy to eat in the car, the best fast-food coffee, cleanest bathrooms, how to keep from falling asleep, safety tips, or anything else you want to share!

    1. I really like McDonald’s coffee and of course their fries and bacon, egg and cheese biscuits (now available all day!).

    2. I frequently take drips of this length. Oddly, all my family members live 6-6.5 hours away. There’s really not much to it.. it’s just driving. Don’t freak yourself out necessarily.

      6 hours is my limit for patience/focus driving. You’ll need to take one stop, minimum, but you probably won’t need 2. I’ve done it without stopping but it’s tough.

      Bathrooms: look for a bigger, nicer fancier QT or similar. Or, just go in a fastfood joint- just don’t go in a run down gas station.

      Snacks: cheez-its, blueberries, m&ms, cashews/trail mix. Babybel cheese, jerky. There’s a theme here- these are all tiny pieces that you can eat individually, one at a time- this helps you stay awake and focused and makes the snack last longer.

      Coffee: depending on where you are, you can probably find starbucks. They’re starting to show up near interchanges and their logos will be on the highway signs displaying the other restaurants.

      Safety: do NOT be that @$$hole going the speed limit in the left hand lane. TIA. I prefer music to podcasts- singing out loud in my car helps me stay awake/focused. Listening to people talk to me can make me drowsy (training from falling asleep in lecture classes). But, audiobooks/podcasts work for lots of people.

      1. You’ll definitely need to take one stop, as Anon mentioned, but I would say that you may be happier (esp with the night drive) taking 2. I prefer stopping every 2 hours. I get out, walk around, get a cold beverage, maybe a snack and use the bathroom. This helps me stay awake and focused. I don’t know where your drive is, but my expereince with long roadtrips is out west, where everything is flat as can be and it’s hard to stay alert when the landscape never changes. More frequent stops help combat that.

        1. Where “out west” is all flat? To me, flat is central US. West is the Rockies onward.

          1. I’m the anon here, and I’m talking about long drives across Arizona/New Mexico/Colorado, which is the region where I grew up. Even Colorado, if you’re not *in* the Rockies, tends to be pretty flat.

          2. +1 – Eastern Montana/Wyoming/Colorado are all pretty flat until about halfway into the state too.

          3. Well, to some people the central US (NoDak, Nebraska, Kansas, etc.) IS the West to them. For the people that consider the Midwest to be east of the Mississippi.

          1. I’m from Kansas, but live in SF, and I was totally shocked by how flat this drive was. Mindnumbingly flat.

    3. In the old days, my recommendation would’ve been “a pack of Marlboro lights, some diet coke, and a pouch full of mix CDs”

      But your list looks pretty good to me. 6 Hours isn’t that bad. Pack pre-cut veggies, like carrots, bell peppers, cucumbers, etc. They’ll be satisfyingly crunchy (so they keep your mouth busy) and are healthy. It’s too easy to overeat things like nuts.

      1. Yes! I was never a serious smoker but I really enjoyed smoking on long trips where I was driving alone. Or one butt on my commute home from work. Better than a glass of wine. I haven’t had one in 12 years though.

    4. YMMV depending upon location, but I like peanut butter M&Ms, ranch Corn Nuts, and soda or tea from QT for road trips. I prefer the QT bathrooms if possible; I even have the app to tell me where the stores are and what they are charging for gas.

      Also, sunblock, a hat or visor, and good sunglasses during the day. Road glare is real!

    5. I’ve done several 8-12 hour drives solo in the last year or so. The routine that I’ve found works best is:
      Baby-bell, Berries, sugar snap peas, and crackers as snacks (the latter of which in single-serve baggies so I don’t eat them all). I also keep a case of seltzer next to me, and aim to drink one can every 1.5-2 hours, which then necessitates a pit-stop, getting me up and moving for ~10 minutes so I don’t need a longer break.

      In the northeast/upper midwest, I’ve found that highway rest area bathrooms range from fine to nearly sparkling, but are far better than roadside gas station or fast food restaurant restrooms.

      I’ve also found that telling people to call you is a great way to pass the time if you’ve got bluetooth in your car. Long straight highway= a great time to catch up (as long as they call you and you don’t have to deal with the phone)

      1. I had an all-day at my desk day and ate a couple packages of dried fruit. Maybe watch the fruits / veggies? Or bring gas-x? It was more than my system was used to handling. You don’t want your car to be like the plane that had to deplane passengers b/c of someone’s gas.

    6. If you’re traveling on American interstates, the type of exit matters much more for quality of food, cleanliness of bathrooms, and feeling of safety than the actual fast food franchise. I try to plan a stop in suburbs or large towns–any large highway exit where there is a lot of competition for regular customers. If you need to make a quick stop and you’re not near a larger town, I think large truck stops (like Flying J or Love’s) are usually well-lit and pretty safe at night because they’re populated.

      Staying hydrated is key for staying awake while driving at night.

      1. +1 – and if you are travelling interstates, then there is an app (iExit) that’s really helpful for letting you know what amenities are available at which exits. Probably more useful in the sparser states, where no bathroom at one exist means an hour until the next exit/gas station comes up.

      2. I drive through Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado and Utah a lot and I second the recommendation for truck stops. They are generally well-lit, the bathrooms are clean, and there’s a wide selection of food if you need snacks or a meal. They’re also almost always busy. Park as close to the buildings as possible at night and you shouldn’t have a problem. I did a lot of road trips with just myself and my son when he was an infant and truck stops were great. TAs are good and they’re everywhere in the Southwest.

        I would not use state-sponsored roadside stops if they look deserted or at night. There’s generally a truck stop not far from any state rest stop, anyway.

        One tip: if you’re traveling on I-40, be aware that truck traffic is heavy and I-40 routinely gets shut down for big accidents or for weather (not just snow, but also flash flooding and blowing dust). Have paper maps in your car in case you have to divert into an alternate route. But be careful about teeny county and state roads; people have ended up stranded in the mountains trying to make their own shortcuts.

    7. Please, if you get sleepy, pull into a rest stop or gas station or whatever, and take a nap. Yes it feels weird, but try to find somewhere that’s not too isolated, lock the doors, park in a safe-feeling area, and just sleep. If your head nods even one time, you must do this immediately. Don’t try to power through it. The bad outcomes here are both too likely and too awful to play around with.

      1. I’d recommend the gas station over the rest stop. If someone’s going to do something to people, the rest stop is more likely than the gas station.

    8. If you make a stop, and I think it’s a good idea to do so, eat something and walk around a little bit. Yes, it might extend your total travel time, but I’ve found that just fresh air, a good stretch, and some food help a lot.

      This might just be me, but when driving alone, getting gas late at night kind of unnerves me. Unless its a busy rest stop station. For the evening part of your trip, make sure gas is all set so you don’t need to stop for that.

      And I totally second Minnie Beebe’s suggestion about pre-cut veggies. They’re easy to eat and not messy!

    9. You don’t say where you’re driving. I’m only really familiar with the northeast and I always stop at rest stops (i.e. the plazas that have food/coffee/bathrooms/a few souvenir shops – everything under one roof), rather than at random gas stations or McDonalds or whatever off the highway. I find those rest areas typically range from extremely to minimally crowded day and night esp. in the summer but even generally, so even at 11 pm you won’t be the only one in the bathroom. Whereas no matter how nice or clean a McDs may look and how good its reviews may be, it is quite likely than when you walk in at 11 pm, you are one of 3 people there; that to me feels sketchier than crowds.

    10. I actually like to try to stop at grocery stores for snacks and bottled coffee (or sometimes you get lucky and it’s fresh! depends on the grocery store). You have to plan a bit more where you’re going to stop and google the grocery stores near the highway in advance, but I usually don’t have to drive out of my way. There are usually grocery stores right on or right next to major highways even in small towns; it’s just that they don’t mark the exit signs with them the way they do truck stops, fast food, etc so you have to plan ahead to look them up. The coffee will taste better and the snacks will be healthier. I like produce (apples, blueberries, whatever the store has that looks easy), nuts, and cheese cubes or string cheese for snacks.

      1. You buy fruit at grocery stores on the highway and then what – eat it unwashed?! It’s a 6 hr drive and people are acting like OP is traveling for 8 days. How much can one possibly eat in 6 hrs? Bring 2 (washed) apples and be done with it.

        1. sometimes I eat fruit unwashed even at home but to my husband that’s like the crime of the century

          1. Gross. You know how many hands have touched that – from farm hands to the guy at the store stacking the apple display?? You know what people’s hand washing habits look like?

          2. +1 Torin and I am totally fine. I grew up in a barn and never ever washed my hands before eating, even after mucking stalls. MAYBE, if I think about it, I will wipe it down with my shirt or a napkin, but that’s very rare. I am just too lazy and do not care about these things. Good for you, not for me on the obsessive washing of everything.

          3. How many hands = maybe hundreds? Who knows. Actually that might be interesting to find out.

        2. If I buy fruit out, I wash it in a bathroom sink . Really only apples, I guess. I would imagine berries and all that stuff would get all over your car. I would never eat berries unwashed though, I not unregularly find bugs, leaves, or bits of mud in them.

    11. For bathrooms, I find the state-run rest areas are generally nicer/cleaner and usually have at least a few other people stopping, so I feel slightly safer. Also, if you’re in an area that has them, Sheetz usually have decent restrooms.

    12. I like grapes, baby carrots, and pre-sliced bell peppers to snack on, with the occasional snack-sized pack of peanut M&Ms. Also, goldfish. You want things that are easy to eat one-handed. I usually stop every 2 hours or so for gas or bathrooms, either at a rest area if it’s during the day or a big highway plaza if there is one. If not, bathrooms are cleaner/nicer in a fast food restaurant than in a gas station.

    13. All these snack suggestions are giving me a panic attack! Am I the only one who worries about choking when I am driving alone? 6 hours is also not that long, I would bring a book on cd (silly YA rec: The Host) and a bottle of your choice of drink and call it done!

      1. I have never ever thought about choking while driving. I also never think about choking when eating alone at home, so I wouldn’t think of it while driving. I mean, there is danger everywhere if you look for it.

      2. I am not worried about choking, but we simply don’t eat or drink in our cars (except water). I wouldn’t and haven’t made an exception for a 6 hour drive.

    14. McDs and Starbucks for bathrooms
      Starbucks for coffee or stock up on bottled coffee before you go. I know someone who had a bad experience with bad milk at a starbucks once on one of these long drives and it was not fun. So maybe bottled coffee is the way to go…
      I try to yelp local diners for food, although it’s not fast food. For fast food, McD/Burger King/Panda Express.
      Singing in the car keeps from falling asleep. I usually have a variety of ballads where I know all the words, and “fast driving” songs (usually the kind of music I listen to when exercising).
      Drinking ice cold water helps too. Highly recommend Teavana tea tumblers for this, but I put ice water in it, the ice cold water stays cold up to like 8 hours, it’s crazy.
      You can drive w/o shoes – just socks. I do that quite often actually, even for non-road trips.
      Take breaks as needed. Start with a full tank, so you don’t have to stop multiple times. I usually take 1 break, maybe 2 if I need to go to the bathroom again.

  13. I am trying to reconcile advice to not take on or at least discuss emotional labor with the advice not to keep score in romantic partnerships. I grew up with lots of talking about what is “fair” from my mom w/r/t dividing chores among siblings. We were assigned certain tasks certain weeks but could trade. I do a lot of score keeping (mostly in my head) in my relationship, and want to come to a better understanding about when it makes sense and when it doesn’t. What are your thoughts?

    1. I think you just have to have an internal balance scale. Every long term relationship will (and should) have periods where one person is doing more of something and the other less; the important thing isn’t who did more one week or month but does it balance out. Sometimes you may need to course correct. Maybe your SO has been going through a busy time at work so you’ve done more whatever and then things slow down and he is still in the same pattern – you can say hey, I need a little bit of a break from doing X b/c I’ve been doing your share for a while; hopefully, with practice and both of you being mindful, that will happen naturally.

      I think it’s the same way with feelings. In any relationship, your feelings toward your partner will ebb and flow; sometime you’ll love them a bit more and sometimes they’ll love you a bit more. I think that’s a sign of a successful, healthy relationship. It’s not realistic for both people to always feel exactly the same and it’s not healthy for one person to consistently care more.

    2. AIMS says a lot that I agree with. Score-keeping and making things fair as a part of a parent/child/sibling relationship is different, IME, than what happens as an adult. Children don’t have the emotional or logical depth yet to understand all the nuances of long term relationship balance. As an adult, you presumably understand that life isn’t always fair and that what you need from your relationship ebbs and flows. Plus, you can divide tasks based on likes and dislikes (I like to cook, but don’t like yardwork so I do most of the former and my spouse handles most of the latter). I also try to remember that both parties probably feel like they are giving more than 50% at any time and we need to assume grace/good intentions when navigating these waters.

    3. I dunno, we do a lot of score keeping in my relationship and I think it’s fine. We are still generous with each other, but we recognize that with two kids, there is just an enormous amount of work to be done and it’s not sustainable for one person to do a disproportionate amount of it. We divide things up according to our interests, and we both frequently offer to do the other person’s chores when that person is having a rough day for whatever reason. But yeah, there’s pretty much a score.

      1. To me that doesn’t exactly sound like score keeping. You’re sharing burdens and responsibilities, which I think is different. To me keeping score means you would refuse to do something that your partner is responsible or expect a concession for it being done. I don’t think that’s usually too sustainable in a LTR.

        I totally agree that you have to split up the responsibilities and one person shouldn’t do most of it but I think it works best when you have to people coming at this from a cooperative space vs. a competitive one. With kids/siblings, no one wants to do their chores, period, so parents have to assign them and then siblings may barter about who does what when and why. With partners, presumably you have goals for how you need/want your life to be and how you split your tasks in making that happen is usually a more flexible/fluid process that needs more give and take depending on what life is doing (e.g., I’m pregnant now and am exhausted all the time so I basically do nothing and that’s okay; before this, Mr. AIMS was on trial and I felt fine and I did more things and that was fine). I think issues arise when you have different notions of what’s necessary and that’s a separate issue to work out but I think if two people are coming from a place of mutual cooperation, score keeping is largely unnecessary or maybe just baked in to the game, so to speak.

        1. I would add that it also becomes a problem when one partner starts saying “I did X last time” or either partner throws out that they do X, Y, and Z during an argument.

          1. I think I would be a better partner for Myrna, b/c we do everything together. I held her bicycle when she went swimming and later when she ran in the park. She is much smarter and cuter then men, but we have something in common — we simply will not put up with men who want to subjugate us. I would rather be singel then be with a guy who just wants to rub against me and grab my boobies with his greazy hands. FOOEY!

        2. I guess the score-keeping part of it is that when we did the division of labor originally, we were stickers for making it as close as possible to an equal time commitment on each side. And we don’t hesitate to call each other out when the other isn’t keeping up their end of the bargain, or if new tasks emerge and are falling all on one person. 85% of the time, I’ll say yes if my husband asks for more help, but if he just doesn’t do stuff, I’ll definitely ask him to step it up. And if I ask for a night off, for example, I’ll always figure out a time that I can make it up to him. So it’s not competitive, no, but we are keeping track and actively making sure it evens out.

          And we don’t throw this stuff out in arguments (unless we are specifically arguing over housework, which does happen occasionally), but we say all the time, “I did X last time, it’s your turn this time.” Usually the latter is about who has to change the poopy diaper.

    4. I’ve noticed that I don’t scorekeep in relationships that are “right”, if that makes sense. I’ve never, ever kept score in my relationship with my husband. But I did with prior boyfriends (that didn’t work out). Same with friends. I’ve had a few friendships diminish is recent years and these were ones where I’ve kept score. I don’t keep score with my true friends.

      Family (parents and siblings) is a little different because you don’t have as much of a choice.

      1. I think this only works with people who don’t take advantage so that actually makes perfect sense.

    5. I think about this too, and like what AIMS has to say as well. Lately I’ve started thinking of it like this: do I feel like SO is reliable and helpful when I need it? Do I feel like we’re a team? The answers to those questions are yes, and I think that’s what matters to me, more than whether we’ve each spent an equal number of minutes doing chores.

      1. MY EX SO was a loser. He NEVER helped out around the house, never did the dishes, never washed my laundry, or even lasted long enough in bed to give me s-xueal pleasure. He DID barf on my rug, ruined my cotton sheets and was an overall mess. I am very happy to be separated from him. Mom wanted me to give him another chance, but I am smarter then that. If he had redeeming qualities, I would have but he did NOT. FOOEY on men like him.

    6. Thanks, everyone. AIMS, your description of burden-sharing compared to score-keeping is exactly what i was looking for, and Torin, your reframing is helpful to focus on the real issues.

    7. So, to me keeping score is different than Sarabeth’s (I would categorize hers as a discussion/dividing duties). I’ve had to make myself stop keeping mental score because it was ruining our relationship. Hubs doesn’t keep score. If he sees something that needs to be done, he does it. Then he moves on. He literally will not remember doing stuff I thank him for (“thanks for doing the laundry!” “What? Oh yeah um you’re welcome.”) The flip side is that he doesn’t notice a lot of stuff that needs to be done, so then I end up doing it, and then I’m bitter. I’ll talk to him about it, he will pick up the slack and the cycle starts over. TBH I think this is mostly my problem, since I came from a neat-freak house and I’m a bit of a neat/control freak. So I am trying to stop keeping score. I still do it in my head, but when I’m like “I do this this, this and this and he does nothing!” I make myself go through a mental list of all the stuff he DOES do, like all the cooking, bathing baby, taking baby to school all the time, taking care of bills and the lawn, etc. It’s easy to forget that he actually does a lot of stuff because I never have to think about these things! He just takes care of them. And to me, that’s worth a few loads of laundry or dishes or whatever.

    8. We divide work based on the chores we are better at. For instance, I will wash dishes and load and run the dishwasher but I hate to put dishes away. So that’s my husband’s job. Same with laundry, we pull it out of the dryer, fold together and he puts them away.

      As for scorekeeping, I tend to do that when I feel like he’s not pulling his weight. I also realize that I want him to notice that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes or that the trash needs to be taken out and he’s not great at noticing. If I ask for help, he does so cheerfully but it’s taken me some time to get over my desire for him to notice and my reluctance for asking for help.

  14. I appreciate all of the travel recommendations shared here and although this subject has come up before, I am wondering if anyone has any advice for a possible solo traveler who has had very little travel experience. I am nearing 50 and haven’t been much of anywhere. This is for a number of reasons, including the lack of direct flights from my small Midwestern city, the cost of said multi-leg flights, no one to travel with (or to) and long term generalized anxiety (treated) and migraine issues (sun, food and exercise triggers). Sounds like just the kind of person you’d like to travel with, huh? How do those of you with health/anxiety issues approach travel? I have determined that it might be best to travel on my own, since not being able to attend a planned event or having to cut something short would probably irritate a travel companion. However, part of the reason I haven’t traveled is because I would like to share the experience with someone. Seems like a double bind. Have any of you faced similar issues?

    1. In my 20s, I was single when everyone else was coupled. I always traveled with a book. It can ward off the crazies and being lonesome. Better than some human travelling companions. Then I added knitting — it has always been a good icebreaker on a plane.

      1. I’ve noticed that knitting or crocheting is extremely effective man repellant. If you want to be left alone, pull out a ball of yarn.

    2. I would start out with small group travel. Base it off your interests. Yoga retreat for a week in Costa Rica, Cycling tour in Provence, Boat tour to galapagos, city tour of Europe cities, etc, etc. After a few trips you will build up a comfort level with travel and figure out your travel style.

      I like G Travel but I’m sure there are other agencies that focus on small (10-12) group size travel. You can also look into local interest groups that may be planning things – a local yoga studio does international retreats a couple times a year and the local bike club usually plans a cycling trip. That gives you an opportunity to meet people who share your interests who might be good travel partners in the future.

    3. I love solo travel! I also wouldn’t mind travelling with someone like you!

      I would be your travel companion. Travelling with a friend can mean a varying level of doings things together. I had one trip where my travel companion and I shared a hotel room and only met up for dinner. We both wanted to go to our destination but wanted to do very different things. Other travel companions and I have had a few planned events together but mostly did our one thing. You don’t need to be joined at the hip!

      For solo travel, the easiest way to go is as part of a group but you may have to pay a single supplement. These trips can be fast-paced, new hotel every night deals. You can also travel solo on a cruise ship!

      Most of my solo travel revolves around SCUBA diving. I book my dives in the morning to provide some structure to my day and the afternoon is mine to explore or nap in a hammock. My SO travels solo to London and does whatever it is he likes to do there.

      When I travel solo, I am very cautious about safety. Unless I have a show to go to, I do not stay out at night after dinner. I make sure the hotel staff know what I look like and that I’m planning to dive every morning. I don’t go to non-touristy areas of my destination. I don’t drink more than 1 drink per day. I don’t carry a lot of cash and I dress modestly.

      1. +1 to not staying out at night after dinner. This is why I always book hotels that have a nice bar, so if I don’t want to go straight to my room, I can hang out at the bar with a drink and my book.

      2. You guys really don’t go out after dinner alone?? So if you’re done eating at 8 you go to your room or maybe a hotel bar? Are you just saying this for the islands, places that are more driving oriented/quiet – where you can get snatched off the road or would you do the same in places like NYC or Nashville (which has a night time music scene that goes on until 2-3 am from the sounds of it)?

        1. Not one of the posters above, but when I solo travel, I typically only do structured activities (show, concert, group walking tour) after dinner. The structured activities feel safer to me because you’re in crowded areas or staying in groups and because you present as though you have a purpose and know where you’re going. Wandering, especially at night, seems much less safe.

          If I had no plans, I might eat a later dinner so I wouldn’t be back in the hotel at 8. I often have something planned early in the morning anyways (like Childfree’s diving). And I love curling up with a book or Netflix by myself in a hotel room anyways–it’s my favorite part of solo travel.

        2. I tend to plan my dinner reservation for 8 PM so it’s more like 10 PM when I’m back in my room. But honestly, I wouldn’t want to be out at a bar in my own city at 2 AM alone – I just don’t think that’s the safest choice, and doubly so in an unfamiliar city or country where I may not be able to recognize site-specific signs of danger.

      3. I’m not going to fearfully retreat to my room as soon as the sun goes down. Live your life, just be smart about it. Be aware of your surroundings, know where you’re going and how to get there, don’t fiddle with your phone or (god forbid) a map when you’re walking down the street – stop in a coffee shop/store/etc. if you need to reorient yourself. A lot of hotels have really good, simple maps of the surrounding area. Take a couple of minutes to note the major streets and attractions so you can find your way back easily.

        1. And if you get at all lost or turned around or just need to regroup – go into a hotel lobby esp if there is a big hotel nearby. They are happy to help – you can ask the concierge or bellhop or guys at the door where a certain street is or how to get to a certain hotel if you need to get back to yours. They don’t know or care if you are staying at their place – they know their locale well enough to be able to direct you.

        2. Eh, there’s a difference between a neighborhood walk at night and going to a club alone at 11 PM. I really meant the latter, not the former. Of course, I wouldn’t do the latter in my own city, so it’s not really travel-specific…

        3. Hey, you do you. At many resorts, divers’ breakfast is 7am-7:30am every morning so 10pm is lights out which, for me, means being in the hotel room around 8:30 to read a few chapters and wind down.

          Not going out after dinner without a solid plan is my boundary. I am flexible depending on what the plan is and the friendships I’ve made on the trip. Some of the nightlife I’ve done while solo traveling: saw a show in London, partied with dive buddies in several countries, went to a night fair on the bridge in Florence, did a night safari at the zoo in Singapore, did trivia night at a popular expat bar in Roatan.

    4. I started small when travelling on my own. A weekend to a favorite tourist spot as a child that was within driving distance. Flying by myself to a beach location where I knew part of the week would be spent with some friends who were going to be there as well. Doing more on my own in my own city. It still felt like a huge jump to go to Europe on my own this past fall, but I was on the phone with a friend when I was purchasing the plane ticket (because he’s a more experienced traveler and was offering some advice on airports) and because he was right there, I couldn’t chicken out on booking the flight. Which meant I then had to actually plan the trip :-) If you know you like to share experiences with people, find some group tours that you can pre-schedule as part of your trip.

    5. At least half of my travel in the past 10 years has been solo. My recommendations, based on what you’ve written:
      1. Start in a city in the US for a weekend. Chicago, New York, or Boston would be perfect. Book a hotel in a central location – not on the outskirts or at the airport.
      2. No one will think you’re strange for being alone. Museums, bookstores, memorials, public transit, mid-range or fast-casual restaurants, the theater, hotel lobbies, cabs or Uber’s, city parks – these are all places where people will likely never even know that you are alone. Notice that most of them are the places you’re likely to go as a tourist!! Bonus.
      3. Related to 2 – bring a book to read while you eat or wait or drink coffee, etc. Or an iPad to surf the net.
      4. Maybe you just want to travel in the US, but for international solo travel as a woman you might also love: London, Copenhagen, any city in Spain, Berlin, Rome/Florence/Venice, Vienna. These would all be amazing 10-day vacations with tourism infrastructure and most locals speak English.

      Getting on the plane will be a bit scary. Once you land and get situated, you will love it!

    6. Start with a weekend trip to a US city and see how that goes. Big cities are always great – like NYC or LA or Boston, but if you think those will be overwhelming how about someplace like Nashville or Austin (though wait until at least Oct. if heat/sun are issues – and even if they aren’t, it just isn’t pleasant to be outside in the south in August). You can book a hotel in the heart of action, pick 3-5 things you want to do, go do them, and spend any other time just wandering the tourist areas. I do that a lot – just wander where I’m at (and in a place like Nashville, Broadway (the main street) is crowded day and night so you don’t have to worry about being alone in the quiet area); the wandering is exploring and makes you feel like you are doing something, not just sitting in a hotel.

    7. I think you just need to do it! It’s the unknown that is probably scary. Go somewhere for a long weekend, pick a few activities, and stay in a nice hotel in case you need to go back and relax for a few hours.

      Alternatively, is there a location where you have friends you can visit? Stay in a hotel and plan your own things, but it might not feel so lonely if you can meet up for dinner when they get off work.

    8. Do it! I love traveling and have done a lot solo and with partners.

      Yes, I think starting somewhere in America could be a good approach. Maybe somewhere like Charlestown where its a good size and lots of interesting things to do/eat without difficult public transportation/driving.

      For the migraine thing, I would definitely recommend seeing a neurologist and trying some different medicines.

      My wife suffers from Migraines (at her worst she would have one 10 days a month) and after trying three different pills she now have one that really works for her. She still gets a migraine once or twice a month and she also has emergency pills that she can take. One of those plus a power nap, usually reset her to a reasonable place.

      Anyways, we’ve traveled together even at her worst. We would either choose activities that worked for her that day or she would chill out at the hotel/putter around locally while I would go out on my own and we would meet up later. It really was not an issue at all.

      Now that she has a better regime, it’s rarely an issue but even on the odd chance it has. She’ll just go back to the hotel for a minute, take a pill and chill on her own for a bit.

      Also, sign up for deal alerts and different loyalty programs. I also live in a small midwestern city and can sometimes score some really awesome deals.

      In this case traveling alone sometimes helps because your dates/times can be a little more flexible when traveling solo to take advantage of deals.

      Enjoy!

    9. Agreeing with the advice to start with a big city.

      One of my best experiences was when my former husband was working in New York and I did touristy things by myself while he was working. I did a lot of small group walking tours and that was a great way to interact with people in a safe and relaxed atmosphere. I am a particular lover of food tours. Also going to Broadway shows alone is super fun — there’s a reason the term “matinee ladies” exists! I have had great chats with my seatmates! Museums, shopping, just walking the city — all very fun on one’s own! For meals, sitting at the bar is great and you can chat with the bartender if you like.

      Take the plunge! And when you decide to branch out to other countries, consider http://www.toursbylocals.com. I have had great experiences with them including a day alone with a guide in Japan that was just great.

    10. I’ve traveled alone before and it’s not bad. It’s nice to explore and enjoy sightseeing. I also have anxiety and migraines – know your triggers, so if sun is a trigger, be prepared with sunglasses or whatever else you need. For me, lack of caffeine is a trigger, so I make sure I still have my daily cup of coffee when I travel.

      For anxiety, having a plan helps. Just have an idea of where you want to go and how to get there and back, so you don’t stress about getting lost. I usually list a bit of a schedule for myself, places I”m going to go, how I’m going to get there (like bus route, prepping bus fare, knowing where the bus stop is and how to ride it, etc), alternatives to how i”m going to get there (taxi or uber/lyft, etc.), and how i’m getting back.

      Also bring cash, and research the area before you go to make sure you’re staying in an area that is relatively safe. Keep your important travel documents on you at all times even when you leave the hotel.

      You could also post here to see if X hotel that you’re looking at is in a decent area – readers here tend to have quite a bit of insight as you know

    11. My two cents:
      1. Start doing stuff alone in your own city, if you don’t already, so you get more comfortable with going to events or out to dinner by yourself.

      2. Don’t go for a long trip by yourself — start with a long weekend. I do great alone — up to a point. Then I’m done and need company other than myself.

  15. My husband and I have started talking about moving back to the general area where I grew up (medium-sized city in the SE U.S.), because we will be closer to my parents and his parents are looking for a place to escape from the cold Northeast winters, and their relatives are about 1-2 hours away. I really want to escape the Northeast – the pace of life, the stress, the high cost of living and the weather. We have a plan to continue exploring the idea over the next few years and making some moves professionally to help get new jobs (a certification for him, a move to a more general area of my field instead of the niche position I am currently in). We have two young children and would like to be closer to family, but know that no one is moving to us.

    Anyone else make a move for quality of life reasons and want to share their experience, good or bad?

    1. We did. From NYC to small city in mid-South. Leaving NYC was a must for my husband, which I knew when I met him. I was sad, sad, sad to leave NYC until we drove out of town the day we moved. We haven’t looked back and consider ourselves semi-geniuses for doing this, even though many of our NYC friends thought we were *nuts*. We bought a big, old house that was completely renovated for half of the price of anything we could have bought in NYC. We make a lot less money but childcare is cheaper, our commutes are both 10 minutes (mine by bicycle), our work days are shorter, and we have much easier and more enjoyable access to the outdoors. Plus the public schools are good.

      We didn’t have any prior connection to the place we moved. The biggest factors were (1) both getting jobs and (2) finding friends. I had my job when we moved…the gamble was whether DH could get a job he was happy with — which he did, after about 6 months of hunting and networking. He was able to work remotely for his NYC job during that time. As for finding friends, as long as you move to a place without a super closed social circle, young kids make it easy to meet people. We now have tons of friends who live within walking distance, and have kids a similar age. I think our social life is actually much better than it was in NYC, where you see your friends once every other month because they live in a different borough or the train isn’t running or the nap schedules don’t align, etc.

      We are not moving again. It is a little crazy that it worked out as well as it did, but I am sooooo happy we did. Our quality of life improved in basically every way.

      1. Charlotte? Richmond? Baton Rouge?

        Glad it worked out for you. Left NYC for DC – which is hardly a downgrade – and kind of regretting it; I’m thinking my friends were right – it was crazy to leave.

        1. Yes — say it!

          I’m in CLT and seems like it is a very outer borough some days.

        2. For us the key was to go much smaller. We were looking at places like Nashville or Charlotte, but ended up in a smaller college town. In those bigger cities, I think we still would have been battling commute times and tough decisions about schools (public v. private).

          (Having lived in both DC and NYC, there is really no contest. NYC wins every time!)

          1. The dominant cultures/chatter at parties /overheard on your transit commute in NYC/DC are very different.

            NYC is business / money / finance
            DC is more wonkish / important people aren’t necessarily rich

            NYC — bridges / tunnels / museums cost $
            DC — bridges / tunnels / museums are free

      2. Jealous of your ease making friends! That’s been the hardest part for me. Maybe when kid is a bit older it’ll be easier…

        1. You have to be a bit shameless, and really hustle in the new place. I followed up on basically every introduction or friend of a friend connection I could find. We also entertain a lot, and invite any new people over to our house. It took a year to get rolling, but I now (3 years in) feel as though we have a great group of friends.

          1. +1 You’d be surprised how often the answer to “I’m new here and it was so nice to meet you – do you want to get coffee next week?” is yes.

    2. We did!

      Husband and I lived in big cities (mainly Chicago and NYC) for basically our entire relationship. I got a lead on a great job near my hometown — basically a college town somewhere with good weather. When it became clear that I was likely going to get the job, but not for about a year and a half, we tried briefly to get pregnant, and succeeded! So now we live in a suburban/college town, about a 20 minute drive from my work, with our kiddo. My colleagues think that my commute of 20 minutes is nuts, by the way, but it’s so much shorter than my 45 minute el train ride in Chicago.

      My husband had a HARD time adjusting from the northeast to the southwest, culturally. I would say it took him about a year and a half to get comfortable, but missing two blizzardy winters, and spending summer nights drinking beer by the pool sure helped. He’s even starting to see the beauty I see in the stark landscape.

      Moving, itself, is always the worst, but it’s a miserable few weeks and a million spreadsheets and too many dollars gone, and then you live where you’re going!

      Living close to family is great. For the big things, like… on NYE, before my daughter was one, we both got food poisoning from a restaurant. We made it through the night but called my mom, tearfully, on New Years Day, saying, “we need help with the baby.” She picked the kid up and kept her overnight until we could parent again. And then the little things, like… “Hey mom, we’re taking Kiddo to the concert in the park in 20 minutes, want to come? We can pick you up!” My kid’s aunts/uncles/cousins are always nearby because they’re visiting my parents (who have room where they can crash) so we get a lot of family time without much effort.

      My parents have pretty good boundaries (if annoying opinions and worldviews), and I’m pretty good at enforcing mine, so that helps. I could see it getting oppressive with families that weren’t like that.

    3. I moved for job + quality of life and its been amazing (NYC -> Texas). I loved NYC, but from a long term lifestyle and optionality perspective Texas just offers a lot more. My husband did a similar move but from the West Coast to Texas. Both of us get paid exactly what we got paid (actually I probably make more now) on the coasts in an area that is significantly more cost effective without sacrificing much of what we liked in those regions (other than the weather for him).

      I’ve met a fair number of people here and accumulated some good friends. What I have loved about living here is the diversity I experience – in NYC because it was so expensive to live closer in in the city, I ended up spending all my time with other bankers / lawyers etc. I feel like in Texas I know people from more walks of life if that makes sense?

    4. I moved to a large city in the SE for a job. I do appreciate the lower cost of living, but otherwise kind of hate it. The weather is miserable all summer and I don’t feel like I fit in culturally. However, I came from the west coast and don’t have much desire to live in a big NE city either, so I’m probably coming from a different perspective than you are.

      1. So do you think you’ll stay or are you considering moving back to the west coast?

        1. I’m definitely on the lookout for another job, but am in a very specialized field and would need positions for both my husband and me, so it’s not easy. If I didn’t dislike the heat so much, it wouldn’t be so bad, but I barely want to leave the house all summer, which is six months of the year! And to make matters worse, it’s so overly air conditioned in my office that I spend most of my day freezing, so I’m never comfortable! It’s also far too car-centric for my tastes. There are areas of the city that wouldn’t be quite as bad, but aren’t close to where I work. There is really a lot to be said for low cost of living, though. We’ve been able to save a lot on our moderate salaries and living here is almost certainly much less stressful than in a big city in the NE would be. I also don’t have kids, which would probably make it a lot easier to make friends, though then I’d have to worry about schools, which drives people to spend much, much more on housing.

    5. I moved from NYC to a the much smaller city where I grew up and all family lives a few months ago. . My husband’s fam allives in he NYC area, but for many quality of life reasons we decided to move to my hometown. We were both in NYC biglaw and having the type of family we wanted there seemed impossible. I’m very happy with the move overall and don’t miss NYC but I have to admit that I was not ready for or expecting my feelings that I “gave up” on my career.. While i landed a nice job at a nice midsize regional firm and my work life balance is MUCH better, I frequently feel bored and not challenged at all at my new firm. I really did enjoy my old job and the challenges that came with it, though I did not like the hours and weekend work. I know that this is the best choice for me and my family at this time but that component of the move has been a lot harder for me than I expected.

    6. I did. Moved from NYC to the Triangle area in NC. Quality of life is so much better. I work less (for more money, but that’s a job-specific), people are generally just more relaxed, I hated NYC winters, my commute is dramatically shorter, I can actually afford to buy property, and (this was a big one for me) I can actually afford/get to my hobby (horseback riding. It was challenging in NYC). I am from the south originally, so there wasn’t a culture shock. The hardest part is making friends, but I have been admittedly quite lazy about that as we had some friends in the area and I haven’t had a huge incentive to put a lot of effort into looking for new ones. I think that’s true of moving to any new place, though. It’s not like I was making new friends in NYC–I just had the same friends from college and law school. I did find a job before I moved but my SO did not. I’d recommend at least one person having a job before you move. Oh, and I also miss good public transportation, but Uber/Lyft has made that easier.

      1. I’m originally from that area and my pipe dream is to move back someday….. but it seems doubtful given my field of choice. Glad you like it!

        1. OP here: Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. The potential for culture shock and missing four seasons is real, but I hadn’t fully considered what the career change would mean for me. If it’s the only reason that I have not to move, it won’t keep me from moving…but important to really be aware that this move might feel like we are giving up on our careers.

    7. We moved Mid-Atlantic to West coast to be near family and for quality of life. We are overall very happy !! It has not been totally smooth: spouse and I made the leap when one of us found a job. The other of us lucked out and found a job with amazing benefits the same week we moved. Then the first spouse lost the original job in a fluke situation, so we were doubly lucky about that other job/benefits. We made this move with one kid, knowing we could live with my parents for low rent for a period of time if necessary. I changed careers a bit (law to law-related) as part of this, and both of us obtained new certifications. Honestly the year before moving was one of the most stressful of my life, with young toddler , selling a house, leaving a long term career where I’d been very successful, career soul-searching, etc. We’re both now in good jobs after a period of unemployment for one of us; luckily we’d budgeted that we might not both be working the first year. Overall the quality of life is 1000x better and having local family is an unbelievable asset– both because I missed my family and because they can help us out with some sick day coverage etc. It’s been a difficult couple of years but worth it to me!

      1. Ups! I meant to ask whether it is appropriate for someone with naturally straight hair to show up with curly hair one day…

        1. Sure — why not? Why would that be any different from someone who has naturally brown hair getting it dyed blond and then going to work the next day?

    1. I used two sizes of it (the .75 and the 1.25 — they were out of the 1.0 at my Ulta) and the smaller one gave two tight of a curl for the look I was aiming for (vintage loose curls), and the 1.25 one gave too loose a curl and fell out. In addition, because of the rotation, you better know where the release lever is at all times, which is tricky. I burnt myself pretty badly with the 1.25 one because my hair is medium length and the barrel is bigger, and I fumbled the release. I’m not the most deft person on earth but I’ve been using hot tools for 25+ years and I’ve never burnt myself that badly. When I returned it, the Ulta salesperson mentioned that “yeah, we get a lot of returns on those.”

      As far as the look goes, I think it is perfectly appropriate.

      1. Thanks!! I was debating whether I need the 1.0. So you recommend the Hot Tools one? I am definitely not a deft person so I need something I can use easily and fast.

        1. Sorry, I meant “hot tools” in the generic sense — various curling irons, straighteners, etc. I’ve in general found curling irons unsatisfactory for my hair — the best results I ever got was using a straightener as a curler (check youtube) but that takes a LOT of practice. But I never burned myself like I did on the BeachWaver! Honestly, you might try the 1.0 especially if your hair is shoulder length or longer but get it somewhere with an easy return policy (like Ulta). I felt like I could have learned to handle the smaller barrel but then the burn (right above my eyebrow) soured me on the whole thing. Just be hyperaware of where that release lever is at all times (and you might invest in a heat glove too). I think what I really want are hot curlers, but they aren’t fast, so I’ve been resistant.

    2. I use it, but not the “clamp”/rotation aspects of it. I was excited for that part of it but it ended up just tangling my hair so I just use it as a curling wand now. I do like the size of the barrel I have (1”) but I wouldn’t buy it for the “curls your hair for you!” aspect – it still involves a decent amount of work on your end

      1. Oh, thanks! This is exactly why I wanted to buy it, i.e. “it does the work for me”..

      1. I get the Modern Mrs. Darcy daily ebook deal emails and love them. Great to find stuff like this-she picks stuff I’d actually want to read.

          1. I also get Goodreads, which are usually pretty bad. I find something maybe once a month. But I’ve bought 2 or 3 things some days from MMD.

          2. I’d recommend checking out book of the month club. Even if you don’t subscribe, their picks are worth looking at and putting on hold at the library.

  16. MMLF has added bigger sizes up to a 22w! Hooray for that. I only have one piece- an older version of the Graham Kimono. I’ve worn it at least weekly for a few years at this point and I haven’t had any pilling issues, etc. I always get compliments on it too. I think I may invest in a few more pieces, including this jardigan.

  17. I’m having a personal issue with a couple of family members that has made me reflect on this- Dependability/reliability of the people in my life is super important to me. I want to know that I can count on someone to do what they say they’re going to do, be honest with me, and/or be there for me when I need them, which is rarely. In return I am super, super dedicated to the people I’m close to. Is it unusual to care so much about these things?

    I generally keep these people at an arm’s length, but they needed a favor for something that I was able and generally willing to do, then they changed the game last minute, I’m scrambling to make it work, they gave me what was obviously a made up excuse for why they did it, and haven’t really expressed any care at all that they put me in a bad position. Obviously I’m not going to try to help them out in the future, but the fact that they’re always vacillating on things and not telling me until way later is kind of an issue for me. Also it was just a sh*tty thing to do.

    1. That sucks, and I’m with you. Honestly, this has been an eventual dealbreaker in several friendships. If there is one thing I can’t stand in a friend or family member, it’s flakiness. I’m not talking about when life happens and plans are forced to change. The people who are constantly moving the goalposts, changing plans, radically changing directions with little thought to how it’ll affect others — well, they are held at arm’s length. I value loyalty and consistency, and I try my absolute best to hold myself to the same standard. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the flakes in my life, but I don’t consider them to be my nearest and dearest, as harsh as it sounds.

    2. I don’t think it’s unusual. While no one is perfect, I have a handful of people who I know I can count on. Those are my inner circle. My inner circle are the ones who list me as the emergency kid pick-up contact after their local family members, or if they have no local family members. They are the ones who are listed as my emergency contact. They are the ones in my will. All of my other friends are outer circle. I would move mountains for my inner circle. I’ll make an effort for my outer circle if it’s not inconvenient for me or if I want to. That said, the outer circle acts the same way towards me, so it’s fine.

      I don’t feel badly about this.

    3. I don’t think it’s unusual, and it’s good to want some stability with friends. What I would be aware of is that you might need to be open to different degrees of friendship. It’s not going to be either “held at arms length” or “super, super dedicated.” There are degrees inbetween those two.

      However, it sounds as if, in this specific scenario, the person who did this to you might not actually be a friend, but more of an acquaintance? Or a needy person that you feel kindly toward?

  18. Apologies for the most petty question but I am confused about my ring size. This is for an engagement ring. (yay!) I got sized this morning and the jeweler recommended a 4.25 and was pretty adamant about it. The 4 wouldn’t go past my knuckle and the 4.5 was really tight but it went all the way up. The jeweler said to go with 4.25 since the band is pretty thin and apparently that makes it fit looser. I think I would prefer the 4.5 because a) it was still tight so it’s not like it’s going to fall off, and b) I’m secretly afraid that if I get a 4.25 it’s not going to fit when my boyfriend proposes (it’s going to be over a tropical vacation in September so I will have hot, swollen hands). I figure I can always resize it down if needed after. That would avoid the issue of not being able to wear it at all when he proposes. Does anyone have experience with sizing up a 1/4 size? It seems to be so minimal but the jeweler was not a fan.

    1. You need to try on sizes on multiple occasions at different times of day and see what suits you best. I ended up going with the middle of my size range, but I didn’t get a good sense of what would be best until after 3 trips to the jeweler for sizing under different conditions/times of day.

    2. If you had it sized today, in July, are you really going to be more swollen? If you have stones all the way around, re-sizing isn’t as easy, but it’s doable. Size the ring for it fitting you during your day-to-day, not for a week’s vacation. Far better to be tighter than looser – you don’t want to lose it on vacation!

    3. Be sure that you try on your ring where it will hit when you’re also wearing your wedding band.

      I’m also a 4.25. I’ve gained 45 (and subsequently lost 20… progress…) pounds since we got engaged over a decade ago. My rings fit comfortably now and I can get them off with not much effort; at my highest weight they didn’t feel uncomfortable to wear (because my chub grew elsewhere); it was a real struggle to remove them for cleaning, but I could.

      So if “future weight gain” is any concern in your decision, I’d get the size that fits best now. If you could barely get the 4.5 on your finger, I’m not sure why the jeweler thinks a smaller size is best for you, but they do do this for a living…

    4. Your jeweller is correct that the thinner the band the looser the fit. But a 0.25 difference is also not a big deal (my engagement ring and wedding band are a full 0.5 size apart and they both stay on my finger). If you know your engagement ring can be easily resized then just get the 4.5 if that makes you feel better.

    5. I sized up 1/4 size for both my engagement and wedding rings and I’m so glad I did (especially now that I’m pregnant). My ring has never come close to slipping off, though it will spin around on my finger if I’m cold, which doesn’t bother me. I also take my rings off frequently (applying lotion, working out, sleeping, showering, etc.) and I’m so glad I can take them off easily.

    6. I got mine sized up. I went to a jeweler because I was on the fence and he recommended not doing it, and I found myself not wearing the ring because it was just too tight and uncomfortable. I went back and insisted and it is much more comfortable now. If it’s only .25 though, it’ll still fit you even if it’s smaller. If you only tried on the sizer and not a ring of similar width, I might go with the smaller size.

    7. Do you know the style of the ring? My e-ring is a solitaire with a super thin band so it’s top heavy and spins when worn solo, so having it too big would be annoying. I wear my wedding band (size 5, channel set) at the bottom of my finger and the e-ring (5.25) on top of that. I needed the slightly larger e-ring so it would fit further up my finger. If you can try on actual rings and combinations that might help, although it sounds like your fingers are on the smaller side.

    8. Keep in mind that when you put your wedding band next to your engagement ring, it will have the same effect as a thicker ring on your finger, so you’ll want a bit more wiggle room. I would go with the 4.5. Be sure that you can re-size your ring first, though!

      1. Thanks, all! Since it sounds like 1/4 isn’t enough to make me worried about it falling off, I am going to go with 4.5. That way I’m not worried about not being able to get it on, and I can feel it out for a few days to see what’s comfortable. It’s a plain band so resizing should be easy.

  19. The jeweler is right. A thin band will fit looser than a thick one.

    My set felt snug when I tried them on but I actually need to use an additional thin smaller size band to keep them from falling off. In winter I might even use two extra bands.

  20. I’m going to law school in a few weeks (should have probably posted this the other day). I have enough savings for my first year of living expenses, including costs for the next summer. My question is should I keep that as emergency savings and take out a loan for living expenses? I’m leaning toward using my savings and saving myself from paying 6% interest and keeping my debt as minimal as possible. But the thought of having no emergency fund is scary. Thoughts or advice? Thanks in advance!

    1. I would probably split the difference. I would take as small of a loan as you can, but keep at least a small emergency fund.

    2. I’d look at just what kind of emergency you’re anticipating. I know, I know… it’s an emergency, so you don’t know what it is! But usually an emergency fund covers living expenses for a stretch of time while you’re out of work or covers major bills that can come up. But you’re already planning on needing living expenses. So that just leaves the major bills that can come up. Are you wanting to cover a major car repair? The deductible on your health insurance in case you have a huge medical emergency? Emergency travel to visit a very ill loved one? The hot water heater going out? I’d keep a reasonable emergency fund that covers the type of emergency you might expect, and use the rest.

  21. I’d like to add: the Woolf Jardigan is about a million percent more flattering than the Sant Ambroeus jardigan if you’re busty. I tried on the Sant Ambroeus in my first bento,
    and it was horrible, but I own the Woolf and I wear it so much I’m considering getting a second one.
    (Here’s a picture if you’re curious what the Sant Ambroeus Jardigan looked like on me, along with a the Didion blouse, which is also horrible if you’re busty, and the Noho skirt, which I think might be made of magic: http://www.reasonablypresentable.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/lishan-mmlafleur-outfit2.png/ )

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