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Updated: Jan 4, 2021 380 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Notch-Collar Cotton-Blend Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This notch-collar blazer is available in a bunch of colors and a wide range of sizes (h/t to Kat for pointing it out!). If you feel like you’re pretty well-stocked on office basics but are just tired of everything in your closet, I think a blazer in a fun color is a good way to bring a little life to your work outfits. This royal blue is almost a neutral — you could wear it with gray, black, or even navy. If you want to brighten things up even more, you could also go for the hot pink or lipstick red. It also has my favorite feature — front flap pockets for stashing your phone and ID.

The blazer is $98 at Nordstrom and comes in petite sizes XXS–XL, regular sizes XS–XXL, and plus sizes 1X–3X. Notch-Collar Cotton-Blend Blazer 

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Elizabeth, I love this color blue in this blazer! Great pick! I apologise to the hive for being absent lately, but my Grandma Trudy has had repeated attacks of Crohn’s, which at her age is very unpleasant for her (as well as Mom and Dad). Grandma Leyeh has remained for the most part virus free, so that is a good thing, as she refuses to move to LI to live in Rosa’s old room. She is very independent, and that makes her New York Strong. She also wears a mask whenever she goes out in Riverdale. I too am wearing a mask 100% of the time I leave my apartement, and I encourage the ENTIRE hive to do same, just as Dr. Fauci says. I really like him, and Dad is coming around to appreciate that he is a MEDICAL doctor, which is much different then a PhD, which Dad says stands for “Piled Higher and Deeper” (with BS standing for “Bull-$hit” and MS meaning “more $hit”). I am still without a boyfreind, but there are a few in my apartement building who I met in the stairwell who would like for us to get freindly after the virus is contained. I do NOT take the elevator up or down, and that is saying alot, b/c I live 11 floors up. I wish all the best to the HIVE. I am going out to LI for the weekend, as Myrna will be driving and we can visit Jones’ Beach, even if the water is not open for swimming. Dad will let us know. I will be going with Myrna to the Hamtons later this month, as the manageing partner’s FIRM party is still goeing to be held (with social distancing), which means that the manageing partner’s brother is NOT going to be able to pull my top off in the pool this year! YAY!!!!

  3. Anonymous

    I was horrified to learn yesterday that some fake eyelashes are made with mink fur. I did some research, but I couldn’t find a comprehensive list of brands that use animal fur in their lashes. Would this have been obvious when I bought the lashes? Would they have to disclose on the packaging? The animal rights implications are obviously terrible and I wouldn’t want to unwittingly support that. Also, I have severe animal allergies and will end up in the hospital if I put mink fur on my eyes. I went to the ER as a small child because of my grandmother’s mink coat. I have a lot of pairs of falsies that I haven’t used yet, most (but not all) received through subscription boxes; I need to get rid of any mink ones. Do I need to research each set, or is there a faster way to tell if they’re mink/other animal?

  4. anon

    Project Managers, please help me write a response to a colleague who persists in asking to get involved in project tasks they are not assigned to. They are informed, but not accountable or responsible. I will provide a high level update and then clearly identify any action required or state “no action required”. Is there a better way to state the action? Is “no action required” sufficient? Looking forward to recommendations for best phrasing in the most professional and direct manner….thank you

    • DoesntBelongHere

      The next time they ask: “Thank you for asking about [project tasks], but since I wrote ‘no action required’, I need you to focus on [assigned tasks].” Also, if they’re asking because running out of things to do, you could address that separately.

    • Anon

      At my very hierarchical workplace, “no action required” sends a loud and clear message to stand down and when you’re told to stand down you stand the eff down. Obviously, this is workplace dependent but I think your word choice conveys the message fine.

    • Moonstone

      This is common at my office, and happens for many reasons. Your phrasing is fine, but sometimes you need to follow up individually with something like “Joan is working on that now. I’ll let you know when it’s done.” At my place, it’s often a boss who has delegated a task but now has second thoughts and wants to be more involved in the task so we have to use diplomatic language to push them back in their lane.

    • Nesprin

      If you need to soften try asking why they want in- is it boredom? Frustration with current tasks? Cant stand person x and wants to get far away from them?

    • Anonymous

      Is something wrong with the quality of what is being done? You’ve got good advice from others. But it also doesn’t hurt to do a reality check on whether something is being pushed out the door but not meeting the goal of what it needs to. In my experience you get this overlap either when roles aren’t clear (which it sounds like they are) or when there is some disappointment with quality (if marketing can’t write their way out of a paper bag, then product owners may end up doing the heavy lifting of not only providing product descriptions but also supporting marketing collateral or micromanaging its development). Tracking timing is very easy. Assessing quality to determine if “completion” truly meets what is needed for “completion” is much harder. I’d try to take the colleague aside and figure out what bees are in their bonnet. Then you can either have a talk about minimally viable product or determine if there needs to be a QC step in somewhere or what have you.

    • Cat

      Your language sounds clear, but at risk of possibly chilling legitimate input. Maybe ask the person why they want to be involved, and then either (1) tell them to check with Person X – their boss, the SME, etc? – on whether the issue has been raised already, or (2) if you’ve already covered the point, you can tell them that?

  5. Marie

    Checking in on Big Law Anon from Monday who was struggling with panic attacks. If you see this, just wanted to say I am hoping you are doing better today.

    • Big Law Anon

      That was me. Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice on Monday. I am taking some steps to get better and really appreciate everyone’s encouragement to take care of myself.

  6. Anon

    I’m probably not the only one feeling this way but I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m single and live alone in a city that has been pretty strict about Covid precautions. All of my hobbies have been cancelled, I can’t hang out with friends (though that’s changing a little now), and it’s very difficult to try to date. That leaves me with work feeling like the only thing going on in my life. I know this isn’t a good position for me to be in because it starts to feel like my entire value depends on work. When I inevitably make a mistake at work it’s hard to recover because I can’t think to myself “well I messed up this thing at work but that’s okay, I still have xyz good thing going on.” Is anyone else feeling like this? How do I create some other aspects to my life given everything going on right now? I think picking up a new hobby or leaning a new language just for the fun of it isn’t going to get rid of this feeling. Thanks for any advice on this.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like it might help to address the messing up and deal directly with whether you’re “allowed” to be human and make mistakes. How about, “well I messed up this thing at work, but that OK, because everyone messes up. It’s how you learn. I know more now than I did before, and I’ll keep on learning and growing. Isn’t it great that I have a job during this time, and that I’m still growing even when so much in life is shut down.”

    • Allie

      I think the biggest thing is realizing that there is a pandemic, this will be in the history books, and I’m doing as much as I can – and that’s there’s really not much that can be done. So I’m giving myself permission to work, and then just relax and sink into those hobbies. I’ve picked some that are probably even dumber but fun to me – like making a book review instagram, and also gotten really into personal finance through reading /r/personalfinance, which is ultimately useful. But yeah, I’m not doing too much out of work, and right now there’s nothing to be done about that. I am trying to go out to parks and really enjoy my free time, and also not to think about it too much.

    • Anonymous

      I think at this point, at a minimum, you should figure out some safer ways to socialize with a limited group of people instead of seeing no one. A standing date in the park where you and five friends can sit at a social distance but together or some version of that. I have done that throughout and look at it as the one thing that has made this situation far less painful for me than for others. We are not in a hotspot and most of us worked from home throughout and just had exposure to family and this group.

      • Anon

        Not the OP, but my problem is that none of my friends are willing to do any socially distanced activities because they are either currently living with or often seeing their parents, who are all over 70. Not all of us are able to do socially distanced activities, no matter how much we would like to

        • Anonymous

          Thank you for scolding me for responding in a way that specifically doesn’t apply to your limitations, even though it responds to the question posed. But I am sorry you are so limited. That sucks.

    • anon

      What Anonymous at 10:32 said, because learning to be okay with imperfection is the solution to fixing this long term. (I’ve been in your shoes even pre-covid! It’s a tough thing to work on and I’m still working on it.). But short term, yes, go ahead and learn a new hobby. Or start a project. You need something else to occupy your mind and your desire to achieve and accomplish things— if not, an overthinking mind will naturally fixate on what’s right in front of it. Is there a room that you’ve been meaning to decorate or clean out? A garden to plant? Exercise goal? Photos you’ve been meaning to sort? Dishes you’ve wanted to learn to cook? Any political candidates or causes you feel strongly about that you could get behind? Obviously covid may make this impossible but what about volunteering? More than many things, volunteering gives a sense of fulfillment and purpose and gratitude.

      Oh, and you should read Brene Brown’s work. I suggest starting with “The Gift of Imperfection” or “Daring Greatly.” Tremendously helpful for me. If you are feeling like your value and sense of self-worth is attached to how much you produce, how good you are at your job, how well your career is going, how many of other people’s expectations you are satisfying, then I expect that her work will speak to you.

    • Anon

      Yes – I feel this too but lots of therapy involved in my life. One fun thing I’ve done is subscribed to Sun basket (and hello fresh earlier on) because during early COVID I couldn’t rely on getting delivery windows on Insta cart, etc. Also, it means I’m wasting less produce since I tend to over shop. The meals I’m choosing are recipes outside my normal comfort zone. So that’s been fun. Can you do something like that? It’s both challenging and nourishing.

    • anon

      What were your normal hobbies? Maybe there is some way you can do elements of them in this environment. For example.. some of my friends really into games have been organizing virtual board game nights. I’ve heard about people doing skype crafting parties and things like that. Sports I get would be hard, but I’m in Chicago, still fairly strict, and people are using parks to do smaller games of basketball, frisbee toss, etc.
      I started a craft subscription box (Let’s make art) which has been a fun new way to learn watercolor. I like that they do one new tutorial a week, which adds some structure to a new hobby.
      For me, the biggest thing is to try and think in blocks of time. I try to carve out a couple hours a day for something more “fun” and then alternate between activities… reading, going for a walk, painting, calling a friend.. etc.

    • Anon

      I feel this, too; this happens to me, too. A coworker frowns on Zoom and my response is, “Wow, what I said was really stupid!” Cue the self-flagellation.

      Our county was looking for volunteers to phone the elderly and just check in and listen. You sound like you would be a great companion to someone who could use one, now.

      • Amber

        On a related note, I saw a Facebook post from a senior care center in Arizona asking for pen pals for their residents. If you are on Facebook, search for Victorian Senior Care – they had pics of each person and their interests. Or you could call a local senior center and offer to write cards for their residents.

    • Kendra

      Messing things up is a part of getting better at your job. That is part of why “experience” is so highly prized — experienced people have made more mistakes and dealt with the fallout, and are more competent as a result. So by making mistakes, you’re actually building your resume! Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  7. Anonymous

    Talk to me about your desk/file organization systems. I am a transactional attorney (senior associate), and at any given time, I have maybe 4 or 5 deals at varying levels of activity. Each deal has a notebook or notepad and loose papers (mark-ups, term sheets, etc). I find I need actual paper to do my work best. I end up with piles everywhere. This was okay but not optimal in my office office. In my home office, I don’t have enough space for it and I have a lower tolerance for stacks of paper everywhere. Anyone want to share what they do or tips for how to better handle my little piles?

    • Cb

      What about one of those wall file folder holders / magazine racks? So you could label each one and just tuck the papers into them? I have a little floating shelf and a hook next to my desk and they are super helpful but I share your need to put papers somewhere.

    • Anonymous

      How big are the piles? My files aren’t too fat (each fits in a hanging folder). I got a small hanging file box and pretty folders from Target and it’s sitting on the floor next to my desk.

    • Anon

      I have a file cabinet that would typically hold hanging folders, but instead I have the big expandable redwells (redwelds?) in them, each labeled per deal, with each “deal pile” inside its own redwell. I’ll pull one out when I need it, then put it back inside the drawer.

    • Anon

      Magazine files? This is what I do in my office normally. Each deal gets its own magazine file. It’s essentially a stack, just vertical and can be put out of site. Looks organized but is really just a bunch of piles on their side

    • anon

      Not OP but following… my piles are killing me. I like a lot of these ideas — sometimes I need to “see” my active cases on my desk because I can tend towards “out of sight, out of mind,” which has made me hesitant to just get file cabinets. Plus, the files can get pretty thick.

      • SmallLawAtl

        If you have a door, you can buy an over-the-door hanging file rack. That has the benefit (to me) of getting them behind my door so they’ve easily accessible but not in my face. My office door is wide enough for two hanging files, so I have them side by side. Ongoing projects live in files there until I am ready to scan them into oblivion. Life-changing. I also, without fail, clean off my desk completely every evening. After 25 years of piles, I was able to change over to this pretty seamlessly.

  8. Anon

    Anyone else feel like the reality of just how much has changed due to COVID-19 is just now truly sinking in? I think the adrenaline of gathering supplies/following daily news updates/balancing kids’ remote learning and perhaps a sense that this would only last for a few months kept everything at bay for awhile. Now, with news of another potential virus on the horizon and cases surging, it feels like we’re in it for the long haul. Context: I’m a public school educator and will be returning to a school building in the fall, at which point all of the physical distancing precautions I’ve taken will be a moot point.

      • Anon

        Yep. I remember thinking on March 15 that we would be back in the office by May 1. It’s July 1, and we got a memo earlier this week referencing October 1 as a *potential* return-to-work date for *some* employees. I cried.

    • anon

      I’m there, too. There is no longer an end in sight. And I’m exhausted from decision fatigue about what’s “safe enough.”

      • Anon

        +1. I don’t know what I’m sadder about: that this has gone on as long as it has, or that we have no idea how much longer it’s going to continue.

    • Anonymous

      I have similar feelings. The initial shutdown felt of a determinable time period after which I thought we would all be safer. Now, though, cases spiked massively in my area after the protests (we were only slowly reopening with cases only slowly ticking up so it was not that) and we are locked in for a long slog where too many people are going to get sick and die. I have been slowly processing anger over the situation and have moved to the planning stage, of figuring out how to restock everything I need without going out at all, because due to the case spike it’s riskier now than before the shutdown.

      • Anon

        What’s your source for blaming the protests? I live in a part of the country with massive sustained protests and our increases in cases are happening, but thought to be due to all the house parties and travel that started popping up around Memorial Day. If they were really due to the protests, nearly all of which were masked and spaced, we would have see absolutely enormous spikes.

        • Anonymous

          We have had a massive case spike. It was not two weeks after Memorial Day. It’s not in the UMC villages but in the towns that hosted protests. Before the spike we had hot spots from specific large construction sites, and one area in one city that is densely populated where it has particularly challenging for residents.

          • Anon

            There was an enormous amount of partying and social gathering on Memorial Day. In many states, that’s when people really returned to bars, restaurants and packed beaches, or saw friends and family for the first time. Since the protests also began on MDW, I don’t think timing alone is enough to pin it on protests. At least in my state we have multiple 50+ outbreaks linked to bars and clubs and none linked to protests. I’m not saying no one has ever contracted it at a progress, but the data doesn’t support your assertion.

          • anon

            “It’s not in the UMC villages but in the towns that hosted protests.”

            Alternately described as the towns that have more POC residents, and we know that POC are at greater risk of contracting the virus; towns where fewer people are able to work from home and get grocery delivery than folks ensconced in UMC neighborhoods; towns were more essential workers live; towns where more people live in intergenerational housing; towns with more young people…all of which are factors in spread of COVID.

        • Anonymous

          I’m in NYC and there has been no uptick in cases here despite large and ongoing protests since the end of May. I read that some epidemiologists think that we may just have been lucky so far due in part to very low case counts before protests started (we’re testing very widely and consistently seeing about 2% positive right now), or that it is still too early to tell, but I also think that some in the media are pushing the narrative that protests have caused an increase in cases because that furthers their agenda. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/01/nyregion/nyc-coronavirus-protests.html

          • Anonymous

            NYC doesn’t allow contact tracers to ask if you attended a protest. The person being contacted may volunteer, but the tracers can’t ask. NYC is deliberately covering up the potential impact – or not – that the protests had on the spread of the virus. This information is vital to our health, and understanding how this virus spreads, and NYC is preventing us from knowing.

          • Anonymous

            But there isn’t even a spike in New York that would suggest that that is happening

        • DCR

          I’m in DC and our case numbers have continued to decrease over the past month despite very large protests. All the research I’ve seen has shown no increase due to protests. But some people want someone to blame and figure that is an easy target.

      • anonymous

        “We were only slowly reopening with cases only slowly ticking up so it was not that”

        This is just not how exponential growth works.

      • River

        They said it was going to be six weeks and then back to normal, and now we’re at fourteen and I can’t even get a haircut. We lost indoor restaurant dining this weekend. I can deal with almost anything in the short term, but I can’t live like this forever, and the fact that we don’t have any sort of estimate for when things will be progressing makes it feel like it’s going to be like this forever. (And yes, I’m seeing a therapist. We’re working on it, but… there’s only so much you can do to tell yourself that your anxiety thoughts are lying to you when they come with CDC sources.)

    • Anon

      It’s because people still refuse to believe this is serious and that they have to change their own actions. There have been people posting here all along about their bare minimum adherence and their vacation planning for July 2020 and those are completely incongruous. The alternative isn’t “police state” – it’s demanding accountability from our elected leaders. We can and should be demanding mask laws, funding for contact tracers, cancellation of city-sponsored events, moratoriums on evictions, support for low-income households, and so much more. Don’t fool yourself into thinking “welp you can’t control people and I’m going to travel too.” It’s illogical and hurting us all. If that’s not you thinking that, then perhaps you’ll join me in arguing against those who keep posting that approach here and screwing us all over.

      • Cat

        I think as people realize we need to be in this for the long haul, they are saying “well, saying I’ll never leave home again is unsustainable; how can I take a vacation that minimizes risk to ourselves and others” and concluding that renting a house or cabin somewhere else, while taking travel precautions and staying distanced once there, is the correct balance.

        Putting pause on bars and indoor dining, both of which seem to be significant contributions to spread while wholly unnecessary especially in summer = good leadership from my state this week. Allows the economy and jobs to keep reestablishing in a more cautious way.

        • Hildy

          +1 I’ve been annoyed by the reopening priorities from the beginning, which seem have a very bizarre risk/reward calculus. Glad that lots of places are reversing course on things like bars and indoor dining, but frustrating that those were always a higher priority than schools/camp/daycare.

          As it looks more and more like this is the long-haul, I wish more government officials would start thinking about practical guidance in the vein you noted such as telling people they can never leave their homes is not sustainable so what are some safe parameters we can put around those.

      • Anon

        100% agree. They mixed messages do not help. CNN frequently posts an article about how the virus is increasing exponentially- with an article below it about how to plan your trip to Disneyworld.

        • Anonymous

          Well that’s just it though. I consistently see people on this board expressing anger with others for say, shopping for groceries with a child, but justifing their own pedicures.

          I’m on team “everything that’s allowed is fair game.” I say get get your pedicures, wear your mask, take your vacation. Or not. But stop tearing down other people who are also just trying to get through this.

          • Anon

            Team “everything that’s allowed is fair game” is why we have an out of control pandemic now. When your state governments suck and don’t rely on evidence to make decisions, you need to make the decision to be more conservative. My family in a red state are being WAY more conservative than their state’s guidelines and good thing, too – the epidemic is finally exploding there.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it’s the same people. There’s certainly a diversity of opinion here about what’s ok, but I don’t know why you assume the same people happily getting pedicures are also the ones shaming a mom for taking a child grocery shopping.

      • Anon

        “If that’s not you thinking that, then perhaps you’ll join me in arguing against those who keep posting that approach here and screwing us all over.”

        Yes, turning this into an “us vs. them” situation is really going to help.

        I feel sorry for you, that you have chosen to live your life this way, constantly angry at people you don’t know. I desperately wish there was a “mute” button on this s!te so that I wouldn’t have to see your angry screeds at your fellow human beings who are honestly just trying to get from one day to the next. I have no idea how you ended up with so much anger and so little empathy in your heart. But I’ll pray for you. And let you know that I will continue to post in response to you when you belittle, shame, scold, chastise and rant. If you think that’s changing anything (or anyone) – I feel even more sorry for you. I’ll pray for you.

        • anon

          Huh I didn’t read her post as angry at all. Maybe you’re projecting and can turn some of those prayers inward.

          • Anon

            I know right? This person loves to to come back with the phony “I’ll pray for you” speech anywhere she can, though. Seen it plenty of times here.

        • Anonymous

          There is a mute button & you are welcome to use it any time. The mute button is to leave/not visit the comment section.

    • Anon for this

      When it felt like there might be a defined end, it was easier. I’m a logical, rational human who has a background in Public Health and has always been pretty sane and reasonable when it comes to sickness. Wash your hands, protect those at higher risk, stay home if you’re sick.

      Never did I ever imagine that we would be sitting here waiting for a vaccine to ‘normalize’. I always felt like that was kind of an extreme viewpoint. Now… I’m not sure I disagree. We were taking extreme social distancing measures, but in the last 2 weeks (note: cases in my area are way down) I’ve literally had to reach out for help with childcare – effectively enlarging our bubble – because it was absolutely necessary to keep my sanity and my employment. I’ve found a lot of points of joy along this way but – this is really hard. And I recognize how as a rich white lady who still has her job, I only know the tip of the iceberg.

      • Anonymous

        To me it’s not the lack of a defined end, it’s the feeling that my family is totally on its own and that others are actively working against us. In the beginning, there was a sense of solidarity. We were all in this together. Now there are maskless idiots out there purposely spewing germs everywhere, so my family will be forced to stay totally locked down and homeschool for the foreseeable future.

        • Anon

          This is affecting me too. The vibe at the beginning was hopeful and like it was a national mission. Now I’m sick and awaiting the results of my covid test despite only leaving the house for walks since the first week of March.

        • The Lone Ranger

          This, so much this. My life, and any return to any type of normality is totally depending that my fellow citizens, who don’t even know who I am, are willing to take care of me. And, it’s quite plain that they don’t.

          • Anonymous

            Here in nyc we mostly flattened the curve and played by the government’s rules. But now they are changing the rules yet again for no real reason, even as virus rates stay low. So it’s hard to believe it’s not entirely whimsical and arbitrary. They’ll keep us shut down no matter what we do. We could all but beat this thing and we still can’t get back to normal. I don’t even know what the endgame is.

          • Anonymous

            Anonymous at 12:50, I’m also in NYC. Are you referring to the decision to postpone in-person dining? I think that is a really wise move based on what has happened in states that reopened earlier – leadership are looking at what didn’t work elsewhere and changing course. Our gains were hard-won, and I don’t want to go back to where we were. I work in an industry–theater–that has been absolutely devastated by this and will not be reopening until 2021 at the earliest.

          • Hildy

            Another NYC-er here. I think the plan to halt in person dining is a smart one. I always thought the rush to return in person dining was rather silly (particularly prioritizing over other more essential activities). Seeing how in person dining seems to be linked to a spike in cases in other parts of the country, it seems like a smart plan to reevaluate the phased reopening plans now that we have more information. Also, it’s summer, you can still eat outside and have been able to order takeout this entire time.

    • Monday

      Yes. So far my experience was an initial wave of fear and confusion, followed by some degree of stability, and now back to having no idea what’s going to happen. I live in one of those scenic places with low hospital capacity that people from big cities use to “escape,” and we wish they wouldn’t right now.

      I have never felt so utterly on my own in terms of safety and common sense. I’ve always hated Trump, but even I am surprised by the degree to which the federal government is not doing *anything.* Anything. To help. It’s surreal. My state government is sane, but there’s only so much they can do.

      I know this experience of total abandonment and disregard by authorities is familiar to some people. This is the first time for me.

      • Anon

        I’ve often felt this way for various reasons, but it struck me when an acquaintance who works at the local university hospital expressed the same feelings in March (total abandonment and disregard by authorities). That was a bad sign. Now I agree that we’re all in this position in the US.

      • Anon

        Yup, my state government was super proactive early on. I think they rushed into opening up, but also recognize that what the Governor did was very much so in lock step with other rational state governments.

        My city is being even more strict than my state, but once again I think its rushed though in line with other areas.

        The federal governments lack of action is ASTOUNDING to me.

    • Anonymous

      I am under constant stress because of my employer’s ridiculous insistence that we need to be in the office because they are paying for the building and they need to see us working. Work-from-home arrangements are being granted on an individual basis and only 30 days at a time. It is patently unsafe to be in that office right now, and I am constantly worried that if my WFH agreement isn’t renewed I’ll have to quit.

        • Anon

          Don’t you know that cloth masks only trap 20 – 30% of the virus and you need to be wearing N95s (which are somehow STILL hard to find in the US) to be safe?

    • Anon

      Honestly, I feel more determined now than ever because I recognize that SO much of this could have been preventable if we had better leadership in this country. It’s motivated me to learn more about my local leaders, those that have failled and succeeded, donate more, and volunteer virtually. It has also helped me cull my social circle a bit to people who a feel actually reflect my values, since many of my friends and family have shown their true colors – and I’m actively putting more time and effort into the remaining relationships.

      • Anon

        +1. I’m seeing the importance of state and local leadership more than ever before.

        • Anon

          I work in local government, so have always known how important state and local government is. However, I feel very strongly that a cohesive and strong national policy would have helped A LOT.

          I’m lucky enough to live in a city and a state where our elected government officials actually listened to the experts and shut things down. However, we’re now paying the price because other states did not do that and/or reopened recklessly. People move around and I truly believe that my state’s resurgence is partially caused by reopening too soon and partially caused by people traveling between here and places like Texas, Arizona, Florida, etc.

          My governor originally had a really strict reopening plan that was going to take us months. That was deemed “unrealistic” and he adjusted so that he would be more in line with neighboring states, which I think was a total mistake.

          A federal plan would have mitigated some of this, I believe.

    • Anon

      If you want to feel even worse, work with virologists. Most lay people don’t appreciate that this doesn’t end when a vaccine is approved or even manufactured for millions. The experts I’ve talked to say we will likely need more than 50 *billion* doses to eradicate Covid. Even in a best case (and relatively unlikely, according to many) scenario where a vaccine is shown to be safe and somewhat effective this fall or winter, it will take 2-3 years to vaccinate the whole world… and immunity isn’t likely to last that long, so then you have to start re-vaccinating the people who got shots at the beginning, hence needing a much larger number of vaccines than people. Finding a vaccine that works is like mile 10 of the marathon. It’s a good start but nowhere close to the finish line. I smile and nod when people tell me their wedding or their big vacation or whatever is rescheduled for next year. I would be shocked if life goes back to anything resembling normal before 2022, and 2023-2024 feels more likely to me. This is also why it upsets me when people say school needs to be virtual this year and “can get back to normal next year when there’s a vaccine.” Nothing is going to be normal in fall 2021 and we need to accept that and figure out how to live in this new Covid world.

      • The original Scarlett

        +1 – it’s helped me to mentally adjust to 2023/24 as the first possible “normal” time period, presuming a vaccine works. Once I have a timeframe, I can function a lot better. If it ends sooner, I can just be pleasantly surprised.

      • Anon

        Right– I keep meeting people that tell me they are not going to leave their house until there is a vaccine… um what. You are just going to not leave your house for years? The right response is to get things under control and resume semi-normal life like in Europe with the knowledge that some risky activities (like going to nightclubs) might result in outbreaks. And yes, I think that while a lot of things could resume semi-normally, a 500 person in 2021 is not one of those things.

        • Anon

          Staying home for years is better than dying, so as a high risk patient, I’m going to follow my doctor’s advice on this one. No, I’m not going to share my whole medical history as an explanation.

          • Litigation Attorney

            And as a high risk patient, you can and should be supported in that decision, including by your employer assuming you are in a field where that is possible.

            But the world cannot shut down for years. Courts are re-opening and that necessarily means that those of us who practice any type of law with court appearances (civil litigation, family, criminal) have to go back to work. And if I have to suit up and show up in an old germy courthouse with a lot other people (masked but probably 20% with their masks around their necks or under their noses) and take depositions in conference rooms with terrible ventilation and at least five people and no possibility of putting them 6 feet apart, then yes. I feel OK renting a house and going there with my family. It is not ideal, but I have fall trial dates.

            And at least for criminal and family, the courts really do have to reopen or we will be letting rapists and murders out and not following up on kids in foster care (sooo many 6 month review hearings have not happened).

      • Anonymous

        Oof. I hadn’t heard this. We live in a tiny downtown condo and I used to love living downtown but it’s such a bummer right now. Lately I’ve been fantasizing about moving to the suburbs for more space (something I NEVER thought I would say). If it’s going to be like this until 2023/24, maybe it’s time to start looking more seriously at moving. Sigh.

      • Anonymous

        Right but we’re learning more and more what works to prevent transmission — building our masks collections — getting . There’s a difference between “not leaving your house until 2024” and waiting for scientists to get a LITTLE bit better handle on things before we start participating in unnecessary activities like indoor restaurant dining. I’d hope they’d have a handle on that for the schoolyear for the fall and if they don’t my kid will be virtual.

    • Rainbow Hair

      My therapist has a day job at a research hospital in the area. She’s an immigrant who grew up somewhere with a less robust medical system, and she was initially very positive about the US’s ability to deal with this: “I know how great our medical system can be.”

      But it’s validating, if crushing, now, that she’s just like, “yeeeah… this just sucks.” I cried my face off in therapy (over the computer of course) last night over my fear that this is How It Is Now.

      OP, FWIW, I don’t think that the precautions you’ve taken these last months will be for nothing if you go back into school in the fall. You’ve kept yourself and untold numbers of others safer during that time! We need team players like you, like so many on this board, who are giving up a lot to reduce the spread of this thing.

      • Anon

        Thank you-I appreciate that. It’s more that it’s sinking in that I will be in a fairly high-risk situation soon. My large, poorer school district didn’t even have hot water in the bathrooms prior to COVID. I miss the students I work with desperately, and haven’t felt anxious about the personal health risks of COVID for myself and my children before now. Just trying to start to breathe and accept that I’ll do my best to stay safe, but will have to accept the risks.

  9. ollie

    Can anyone recommend a PCP in DC? Looking in DC proper, not VA or MD. Thanks in advance!

    • anon

      If you’re open to One Medical (which I think is generally phenomenal in terms of reduced wait times, easy labs, good last minute availability and 24/7 on-call video), I like Kate Komis at the Dupont location. They do have several offices in DC proper, though, and I’ve heard good things about other providers as well.

      • Anon

        +1 for One Medical!! I moved away from DC ~18 months ago and my former PCP from One Medical has also moved away from the area, but I LOVED the availability and accessibility of multiple locations with extended evening and weekend hours, saw a few different providers, and only have good things to say about the company. Many of my friends do One Medical now as well.

    • Anon

      If you’re okay with an NP, I used to go to Lisa Lesane and loved her. She’s right by the Woodley Park metro stop. I only stopped going to her because I left DC!

    • Anon

      I really like everyone I’ve seen at the Johns Hopkins Physicians at I Street. (16 and I, I think? Kinda near the VA if I recall.)

    • j

      I use One Medical, too and have had great luck at their Union Station location. I go to Amy Stulman, who is fantastic.

  10. Anon

    We typically take a trip to Florida every February break to escape the winter doldrums. With cases surging, I…might never go to Florida again. Would you consider booking a trip to somewhere like Aruba or Barbados or think that any international travel is unwise at this point? I have a ton of JetBlue points and could opt to bring my tween children with me or just go with my spouse.

    • Anon

      I am someone who is a) not overly cautious and b) travels overseas at least once a year and I have no desire for international travel until I’m vaccinated.

    • Cat

      At this point, my concerns for international travel are (1) an unpredictable flare-up either here or there that causes a last minute border closure, or (2) available care should we get sick while abroad.

      On (1), if airlines are still offering low-risk cancellation policies, that mitigates the financial exposure; I’d choose lodging based on their cancellation policy.

      On (2), I’d be extra careful in the weeks leading up to the trip, and confirm my international health insurance coverage (could we be covered to be flown back home, etc).

      • blueberries

        I wouldn’t count on being able to be medically evacuated across borders, even with the best health insurance, after a Covid diagnosis. Remember when US citizens had trouble disembarking from cruise ships into Florida?

      • Cat

        Similar situation here – airfares are low. If refundable (or at least no-change-fee-reusable), it’s low-risk financially to book now, but then you’re situated for a great, relatively inexpensive vacation should travel be safe at that time.

        • Anon

          +1
          There is a scenario where… say you book a 100% refundable trip for next February (I would personally go for March/April if I was gonna do this just to buy a little more time, but probably splitting hairs). Say you are able to book it for dirt cheap now for obvious reasons.
          Then… surprise! A vaccine comes earlier than expected (end of the year?). And surprise! It is easier to get it to a decent amount of the population more quickly than expected!
          Now you have a super cheap vacation booked and little risk in taking it.
          I am NOT SAYING that vaccine scenario is likely. At all. But that is the part where the refundable part of the trip comes into play. If that is the case, there is literally no downside to gambling on the small chance that that vaccine scenario (or some other crazy scenario like quicker than expected herd immunity) plays out. Or the downside is just the headache making sure that the refundable part actually gets refunded so I shouldn’t say none, but some are willing to take this on for the small potential of big upside (a cheap, awesome, yet safe vacation).
          I actually did noodle around with this mindset, but the funny thing is I didn’t see that many awesome deals for next Spring yet for nice travel. But I have littleish kids and I’m not the type to want to fly with them to far flung international destinations COVID or no, so maybe if I had looked a little more exotically I would have found some.

          • Anonymous

            This presumes it would be easy to claim your refunds, but companies could disappear into the night or otherwise refuse you.

          • Anon

            Which is why I mentioned it wasn’t totally without a downside. That being said… even in normal times when booking a cancellable hotel room, usually money doesn’t exchange hands. So it’s really just the plane ticket, but understood that can be a hassle.

          • Cat

            Which is why I mentioned it wasn’t totally without a downside. That being said… even in normal times when booking a cancellable hotel room, usually money doesn’t exchange hands. So it’s really just the plane ticket, but understood that can be a hassle.

    • Anonymous

      Why on earth would you be booking fun February travel now in July? None of us have any idea what travel will look like then or if it will be safe.

    • Anon

      I suppose the advantage of booking now would be to have something to look forward to, but it is quite true that there are so many unknowns re: what border restrictions will look like. My spouse just turned 40, and really hoping to celebrate that but might have to be closer to home (and colder!)

    • Anon5

      I would not because I don’t want to suffer the headache of having to cancel, fight for refunds/get miles back, etc.

      I’ve resigned to the fact that s*it is uncertain for the foreseeable future and there are some small lakes and lovely hidden beaches in my state and I can’t wait to experience them over the next twelve months from the comfort of a car trip and rented cabin/house. Frustrated shrug, but a shrug never the less.

    • Anon

      I live in Florida. Yes, we have our share of #FloridaMan, but the reason you hear about that (fairly entertaining) stupidity is that it’s news. It’s not the norm. This crud will burn through like it has elsewhere and it’ll hurt, but there’s no reason to think that Florida will become some permanent reservoir of COVID19.

      • Anonymous

        No but I’m not inclined to spend money in an idiotic state willfully prolonging this misery.

        • Anon

          Do you somehow think you’re morally superior than ALL of the people who live in Florida? I could say the same thing about NY – they did it to themselves – they were at bars as late as the 3rd week of March, and the mayor was encouraging people to go out.

          But do I hold that against all New Yorkers or somehow paint them as a monolithic block of stupid? Also no.

          • Anonymous

            Yes I do actually. They had the benefit of learning from our mistakes and didn’t.

          • Anon

            That was at the beginning of the pandemic, when we didn’t know how bad it would get. Now we know. Floridians are just acting the fool.

          • Anon

            Well then, I can’t help you. But that’s really horrific to paint an entire state’s worth of people as some how less worthy or inferior to you.

          • Anonymous

            Oh, this poster is judging way more than one state’s worth of people. She just didn’t say that.

      • Anonymous

        I agree, we will see spikes and ebbs of positive cases for many months in different locations. People behaving poorly is what makes the news, so that’s what we see. Stay safe!

    • Anonymous

      I’d stick to Florida personally. I was planning to go to Belize this winter for a diving trip, but I’ll probably go to FL instead. I usually travel internationally at least twice a year, but I’m nervous about getting stuck somewhere. I like the security of being able to rent a car and drive home if I really had to.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m holding off of any international travel for the foreseeable future because border closures can happen so quickly. That goes quadruple for any place where medical infrastructure isn’t at least at American standards.

        • Anon

          I mean how we treated this virus was laughable and our insurance is a downright CF but medical infrastructure, training, equipment, availability, etc. is all very high quality in the US…

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Oh, it absolutely is a low hurdle. But that’s my bare minimum. I totally understand people whose bar is higher.

    • Anonymous

      All of these responses are focused on the risk to you, but IMO it’s wildly irresponsible to take a vacation to a Caribbean island with fewer healthcare resources and a poorer overall population from the hotbed of infection that’s the US. I’m honestly flabbergasted.

      • Anon

        I hear your point, however I think your wording is a bit intense. Barbados is a fairly well-off country in terms of health infrastructure etc. and Aruba is heavily tourist dependent. I’m in the Northeast in a state where cases are on the decline. I’d take a COVID test prior to going and would obviously self-isolate prior.

        • Anonymous

          But you’re taking public transportation with vague/nonexistent safety policies in which you will be in close quarters with potentially large groups. That exposure counts. Are you going to self isolate upon arrival for two weeks or do you not care if you get foreigners sick?

          • Anon

            What? I didn’t take public transposition once while in Barbados. It’s not a particularly crowded country and we rented a car.

          • Anon

            Also, your wording is very combative. I’ve come to the conclusion that international travel doesn’t make sense for the foreseeable future, but to imply that I “don’t care if I get foreigners sick” is unnecessary. We are all adjusting to this new reality, including the fact that the global interconnected was we have become accustomed to cannot happen for the tome being. But heavily tourist dependent nations will also suffer. That’s a fact.

      • Anon

        I think if you tested yourself before going and were negative, that mitigates the risk to others. Hawaii, Maine and a few other states with low case #s require either a negative test or a 2 week quarantine and I don’t think it’s immoral to visit these places (which, like the Caribbean, are highly dependent on tourism) provided you do one of those two things – obviously for a short vacation the quarantine is not feasible so you would need to get tested.

        • Anon

          No, that’s not good enough because of the multiple exposure points in transit. This person could test negative on Friday, board a plane and get exposed on Saturday, and became infectious over the next week, all while maintaining a false sense of security because of the negative test result. This isn’t a game of far-fetched what-ifs – this is actually happening and is a reasonable, predictable outcome of international travel. Stay tf home.

          • Anonymous

            +1 This is literally how disease transmission works and why you’re seeing no travel to Europe. (And likely many other places soon.) I know folks like to think “not us”and that our tourism dollars trump all –but we actually are the hot zone on this.

            And a negative Covid test literally only tells you that point in time. I just had a friend exposed through his friend who tested positive. The whole group of friends have been hanging out at each other’s houses. He did a test a few days later (calling it preventative–um–what?) and didn’t seem to realize that you could end up positive shortly thereafter, either from testing too early in your infection or being exposed to others who are positive in the exposed friend group. It’s a point in time, and nothing more.

          • Anon

            Testing before departure is not perfect but it’s much better than nothing. If everyone did it, there would be essentially no risk of exposure on the plane. If it makes you feel morally superior to go around telling people to stay TF at home, feel free, but the reality is Covid has caused harm in many ways beyond just illness, and many Caribbean countries with young populations need tourism dollars FAR more than they need to remain Covid free – otherwise they would keep their borders closed. It’s not immoral to visit and spend money in a country that’s begging tourists to come, which many Caribbean counties are right now.

          • Anonymous

            @anon at 1:45. You’re really comfortable making the decision on a personal level that health/life is less important than dollars?

    • Anon

      Those countries have far fewer cases than the U.S. by percentage and number – they don’t want you. Just go somewhere domestic with fewer cases. You will be forced to quarantine in a government sponsored hotel in the middle of the coutryside for two weeks. Do you really want that as your vacation?

      • Anon

        I appreciate all of the input. Helping me to let go of the fantasy of a warm-weather trip in February. Probably irresponsible to go anywhere, domestically or internationally and best to stay hunkered down in Massachusetts. I do worry about how Caribbean countries will fare without tourism and hope that they receive an influx of cash somewhere and/or their governments support citizens accordingly. Barbados is an amazing country, FYI in case you’re looking for a travel spot for a few year’s from now.

      • Anon

        This is completely false. These countries have economies that are extremely dependent on international tourism. They and their citizens definitely want you. Why do you think Iceland opened its borders so early despite having nearly eradicated Covid? Because unemployment there is at record highs.
        It was one thing when we thought lockdown would last a couple months and most people were getting government bailouts or unemployment insurance. But now that it’s clear it’s dragging on for a year or more, economies will collapse and millions of people will suffer greatly in the absence of tourism. If your choices are lose your job and not be able to feed your family or run the risk of getting a disease with a <0.5% death rate, most rational people would choose the latter.

  11. Anon

    Relaxing staycation ideas? I’ve been firing on all cylinders for months and could desperately use a few days to unplug. I don’t normally do staycations because they feel like a waste of PTO but obviously travel options are limited these days.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      I would plan at least one day hike, but mostly I would set really hard boundaries around electronics so that you can actually unplug.

    • Cb

      We have a plan to go to a friend’s (empty, typically Airbnb) flat near the seaside. It’s only a 30 minute drive and we’re just going to walk on the beach, go for bike rides, and read books. I’d recommend getting out of your house if that’s possible/advisable in your area.

    • Anon

      Turning off all social media and allowing yourself to be engrossed in a novel; tracking down a wading pool and enjoying a drink in it; taking early morning walks in a neighborhood you love or trail; renting a kayak or canoe; buying some face masks (the skincare kind) and giving yourself an at-home spa day. Obviously, all of these depend on where you live, but my main takeaway would be trying to “unplug” as much as possible.

    • Anon

      It’s not really possible for me to feel like I’ve had a break if I am still in the same physical space. I think the key to having a break is a departure from the ordinary.
      So, if you cannot stay somewhere other than your house/apt, I would schedule long days a) somewhere new, like visiting a state park and b) have a ‘waking up on vacation’ (for me this is always a book in the backyard w a nice coffee) and a ‘coming home’ routine that involves something out of the ordinary for you/feels special, to demarcate the day as a vacation day and separate the time you’ve spent out of your home.

    • anon

      Hiking at a nearby state park? Getting out in nature makes it feel a little more vacation-like than being holed up in the house.

    • Anonymous

      Can you swap apartments/homes with a friend in your area? We did this with another couple recently for a weekend. We live in different neighborhoods of NYC and it was a nice change to be in a different neighborhood/new apt.

      I’ve also been biking a lot to new places which has been relaxing.

      • anon

        I did a house (and pet) swap with my brother who lives fairly close by and it was super fun! We left each other a list of recommendations like you might for an Airbnb guest.

    • Anon

      We did a long-weekend staycation in our guest room and got delivery for our meals. We set the table with a special-occasion tablecloth and had flowers on it too. It helped, esp sleeping in a different room. (Also, we cleaned the house first to reduce the desire to do housework and instead went on long walks, worked on puzzles, and watched movies.)

    • Anonymous

      I rode a creaky old bike to a nearby lake, sat on a big beach towel I brought and soaked up some sun.

    • Davis

      I’m trying to plan one for myself too! I’m trying to make a mini spa-day or retreat. Mine looks like: zero electronics, early morning walk, coffee with special breakfast (at home, but maybe you have a cafe nearby), YouTube yoga class, read some in a fun novel, relaxing bath with home facial, meditation, some kind of easy art project.

      Hope you enjoy it!

    • Kendra

      I’d google for a walking tour of a city or area near you–whether it be a historic district, interesting architecture, a college campus, or just a tourism board’s “must see” items. You can feel like a tourist in your hometown, and you’ll be outside so relatively low risk for COVID.

      Similarly, there may be cool driving tours of somewhere in your area. I know a website recently published a “public murals” tour of Houston that looked pretty cool.

      Order a ridonkulously lavish takeout meal and savor it — justify it to yourself that even a $100+ takeout meal is cheaper than a single night at a hotel!

  12. Anon

    I’m teaching a virtual class and I’m trying to work in an interactive exercise that is fun in a virtual setting. We have zoom breakout rooms that can be used. Has anyone done any virtual exercises that they actually enjoyed?

    • Anon

      Personally, I would feel a bit embarrassed/chagrined my being expected to do an exercise activity via Zoom, but I think it depends on the nature of the course you’re teaching and what kind of rapport exists among the group. I could see some type of Zumba/burpees, but I’d want to be dressed appropriately and be allowed to have cameras off. Alternately, I’ve seen some trivia activities like guess the landmark, quote or “choose your beach” (A: quiet walk at dawn collecting seashells, B: party with friends music and a drink etc) that were relatively enjoyable.

      • Anon

        Could be wrong, but thinking she’s meaning ice breakers or breakout activities, not actual exercise!

        In my office we usually do quizzo as a quick breakout activity or as an activity during lunch during an all day meeting, etc.

      • Anon

        Oh man, I meant an in-class activity rather than actual physical exercise. I think I’m using the wrong words, I keep encountering physical exercises like Zumba in my web searching. :). Usually in person we’d draw things and do diagramming, which you can still do virtually but it doesn’t have the same appeal without a whiteboard to draw on.

        • anonshmanon

          we recently played a round on drawasaurus.org for a virtual coffee break. It’s basically Pictionary -one player gets a word prompt (this page has very simple words, kid friendly and safe for work), and draws something and everyone else guesses. Good clean fun.
          You could probably also make this happen with the zoom whiteboard function and give word prompts that fit your class topic to each participant, if you want to invest that time.

    • Veronica Mars

      We did a scavenger hunt which was really fun, ours was 20 items long, but you could make yours 5 or so. We had to find things around our house like “T-shirt from your alma matter, local food from our state, last thing you purchased, disinfecting something, etc.” And then we shared and talked about the items one by one.

      • PolyD

        Stealing this – we are planning a virtual happy hour to welcome some new employees and this seems like it could be fun. Thanks!

    • Amberwitch

      We use a whiteboard/ideation tool named MIRO extensively at online meetings – both for collaborative work and for interactive exercises

      • Elderlyunicorn

        +1 We just used this for a team meeting where we did a design thinking session and it was a great tool!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      We did “show and tell” and it was fun and super easy. Tell participants they have 2-3 minutes to find something in their home and then each shares why they chose it. People shared pets, new babies, trinkets picked up on trips, etc. Easy and for those who don’t want to share much about themselves, they can share something generic.

    • Anon

      Yes – I’ve used a program that lets individual participants write Post-its and put them on a white board. So your whiteboard could have columns like “Something I just learned to cook” “My favorite podcast,” etc. and the participants can write and post their post-its. I think the program is Miro.

    • Anonymous

      The only thing I have enjoyed is people sharing their pets. One guy shared a plastic plant from his lobby.

  13. Anon

    Has anyone done a month-long challenge they really enjoyed or found useful? I need something “new” and fun right now.

    • emeralds

      I haven’t done it myself, but a lot of my friends have enjoyed Yoga with Adriene’s 30 day yoga challenges.

      • Abby

        ^I started doing this on rest days from running, and have one day left! Highly recommend. I am going through a cookbook of grilling recipes for the summer to give me inspiration for new dishes and force myself to eventually grill fish, seafood, duck, and lamb!

    • Cb

      My husband and I did a mileage challenge for June. 5 miles of walking or cycling a day, we realized we had gotten a bit sedentary and needed a nudge. I ended the month with 170 miles and feeling loads more confident on my bicycle.

    • Anon

      I get a lot out of monthly challenges so I’ve done a bunch – the ones that worked best were: journaling, meditation, and sketching.

      • Anon

        Thanks! For the journaling challenge, was there a specific set of prompts you followed or did you go prompt-less?

        • anon

          I had prompts for when I got stuck (mostly I used “3 things I’m grateful for, and 3 things I’m looking forward to”), but it was pretty free-form.

    • Anon

      Search “month challenge” images and you’ll find some interesting ones like “Earth Month” challenge and “Photo A Day” challenge and “Declutter” challenge.

      You could also do a chunk of a larger challenge. Like use the PopSugar Reading Challenge and say you need to cross off 4 prompts by the end of the month. Or only read OwnVoices books. Or pick a craft and choose to do it every day.

    • bellatrix

      A guy I work with has been doing them — most of them are pretty standard but the one I find most intriguing (and least appealing, personally) is 30 days of cold showers. He did that one in January. Yeesh. He says there are mental and physical health benefits, and he’s not typically given to woo, so who knows.

    • Ymanon

      I’ve done the Minimalism game (or attempted it) a few times, and also a 5 item daily declutter, and really enjoy those sort of challenges.

      Minimalism game: on day one, find 1 thing to recycle/donate/ throw away, on day two, 2 more things etc. all up to day 30 with 30 things.

  14. Anon

    I was planning on taking some leave in August to go down the shore, but with things scaling up again I think I’d rather not wait to take some time off. Things were crazy for me first go round, so I imagine they’ll be terrible again if / when there’s a resurgence.

    Any ideas for a relaxing short trip within a few hours of Philly? I’d be down for either camping or an Airbnb. Would like to get out in nature (hiking and/or water sports), maybe meander through a cute little town, check out a cute brewery (safely), etc.

    Would prefer something that’s not the Jersey Shore, since I’m (hopefully) still going there later this summer!

    • Anon

      someone I know recently went from Philly to the airbnb D and D Farm in Maryland and loved it.

    • emeralds

      Carlisle? Lancaster? Williamsport? Not sure on the brewery scene in Williamsport, but there are lots of great outdoors activities up in that part of PA.

        • emeralds

          (Note that I have not checked covid prevalence on any of those recommendations.)

      • Anon

        World’s End up past Williamsport has rustic cabins you can rent out. Haven’t actually stayed there but they look cute.

      • Former Carlislian

        I grew up in Carlisle and am very pleased to see it mentioned here! I continue to pay attention to various Carlisle things on social media; my sense is that Molly Pitcher Brewing has been responsible and careful, I like a number of their beers, and their physical space is really nice (including outdoor seating, I think). There are lots of good local hiking options, many of them on the Appalachian Trail, and you might have some water-based options as well (canoeing, maybe kayaking, at Laurel and/or Fuller Lake in Pine Grove Furnace State Park), though I don’t really have a sense of how that has(n’t) been affected by COVID precautions. Happy to answer particular questions if you have any.

    • Anonymous

      St. Michael’s might be a good option. Cute town with a brewery, winery, and distillery within a couple blocks of each other. You’d have to check and see what’s open.

      Idk how the Poconos are doing? VA wine country and the Fingerlakes are also options.

    • Airplane.

      Honestly, I’d just go to the beach even though you are going again later in the summer. I take sun and waves and sand beneath my toes over farms & barns, fingerlakes wine or poconos any day. But if you definitely don’t want beach I’d recommend Glen Onoko Falls for good hiking and great views.

      • OP

        Oh I love the beach (though I also love the woods), but my parents have a shore house which I can use for free in August (house is rented out every week until then). I’m just deeply opposed to paying for something that can be free if I just wait a few weeks :) … and I think a day trip is too much hassle for what I want

        • Airplane.

          Ah got it. When you short trip I thought you meant long weekend not a day trip. The Beach i go to is an hr and 15 from me in center city so it’s shorter and less hassle. If you like hiking and woods with bonus waterfalls I’d say a drive to Jim Thorpe and hiking glen onoko is great for that. Ricketts glen falls trail is also good for this, but it’s like 2 hr drive.

          • Anon

            I’ve heard Eagles Mere is a nice place to stay if you want to stay near Ricketts Glen. Have never actually stayed there, though.

    • NYC Girl

      Finger lakes in NY? Ithaca and Watkins Glen have tons of hiking, water activities, wineries (not sure if they’re open) and outdoor dining.

  15. Anonymous

    Anyone considering a career change? I’m “appearing” in court via Teleconference next week and I’m being told that the days of actually going to court are over for a year at the least, maybe forever. All of my arbitration hearings are telephonic indefinitely.

    I’m really not cut out for working in an office all day every day, let alone never leaving my house. I had a high volume law job that was hectic, but the back and forth to court and hearings was energizing. It seems crazy to throw away a career I used to enjoy. But the idea of spending 40+ hours on a computer is not only boring but draining in a way that feels unsustainable. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if I quit, but the idea of not sitting alone in a spare bedroom feels like such a relief that I’m considering it.

    • Anon

      Do you feel like you get the social aspect of your job out of Zoom and webex? I’m enjoying my virtual hearings a lot more than my telephonic ones. Same with depositions and mediations.

      • Anonymous

        No i really don’t like it. It’s definitely a poor substitute for actual court, for me.

        • Anonymous

          Agree 100%. I like the ability to get out and go to different places, different counties, etc.

    • Anon

      I am very much considering a career change, but for slightly different (albeit related) reasons. I’ve been unhappy as a lawyer for a long time, and the state of the world has highlighted how badly I want to do something that is tangible, not in an office, and helpful. I’m exploring nursing currently, and I think it will be a good fit. This is a change I’ve been mulling over for quite a long time— long before the pandemic. The pandemic has just made my unhappiness as a lawyer more apparent and urgent.

      So, if what you’re doing fills you with dread and unhappiness, you absolutely should explore other options. I would encourage a lot of contemplation about what specific elements a new role would need for you to be happy, because you definitely don’t want to jump to something else and realize the unhappiness was transient or that it could have been fixed some other way. For example, even if the zoom hearings continue after COVID-19, could you go to a co-working space where you see others?

    • Anon

      If your plan is to give it a try before making any decisions, I would experiment with ways to make it less awful. I’ve found in the past weeks that just standing up makes a big difference for me (if I’m doing something that I would normally be doing while standing).

      Right now I feel deeply skeptical of the “maybe forever” part; I still think this is temporary. Maybe I’m wrong though.

    • Anon

      While this is going to go on for a while, it’s not forever. How will you feel in 2 years when in-person court has resumed but now you’re doing something completely different? Make sure you won’t regret the change when someday we return to normal, or a new normal.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. I am a conference planner. Now I’m a virtual conference planner and it’s not at all what I would have chosen for my career. The entire in-person experience that I got to create and enjoy for attendees and myself is now just a computer screen with a few buttons and videos. I’m fortunate to be one of the dwindling few in my field who are still employed so I’ll deal for now but not when I have other options.

    • Anon

      You want a permanent career change for a situation that will last maybe a year or two? Then you clearly don’t really like what you do now or else you need to just suck it up and get some other outlets. Everyone is having issues right now. You being precious because you aren’t going to court for a little while means you need to work on your adaptability to change and honestly I’d be embarrassed to work with counsel with so little stamina, especially litigators who actually don’t have the opportunity to go to court as often.

    • Anonymous

      It’s great that you understand what energizes and motivates you. I’ve also found I don’t like working at home everyday, and much prefer a mix. However, the unfortunate reality right now is that what you are looking for isn’t widely available. It will be quite difficult to find a job right now that allows a lot of back and frothing.

      The best I’ve come up with is I do go out and do what my state allows. It’s not much, I’m in one of the east coast former hot spots, and I focus on really enjoying the stuff that I can do outside. Secondly, I ignore all commentary and news about how long the pandemic will last, how it will take years to end, etc. The reality is no one knows. There are many potential ideas that can limit impacts, ideas that can limit spread, things that may happen up to and including a vaccine. Or, infections may take off like wildfire, and kill 2 million Americans before it burns out. We don’t know, so don’t drive yourself crazy and focus on today, this week, and this month.

    • Kendra

      I’m not sure there’s any profession in COVID that doesn’t involve WFH, unless you’re an essential worker like grocery clerk or doctor. Until you have a viable substitute to consider, it doesn’t really make sense to consider quitting with no alternative.

  16. learning to fight fair?

    Any recommendations for books or other sources to learn how to deal with conflict and fight fair in a relationship? I know that I don’t deal with conflict with my boyfriend well, and really, really want to improve on this.

    Longer version, I started dating a new guy in early March. This is my first serious relationship in years and, as you can imagine it has been weird to start it during covid. I know I have some abandonment issues I’m working on with a therapist, but also know that those issues and other things from my childhood mean that I don’t deal well with conflict. Instead of having a rational discussion, I lash out defensively. I desperately want to change this about myself and know I need to learn some strategies for dealing with conflict. When he made a compliant this weekend, I got super defensive instead of listening and responding rationally – I don’t want to be this person. I’ll discuss this more with my therapist, but also know that I learn well from reading books that lay out steps to take and describe what to do and not do and why. I could really use a source that can teach me what a healthy way of responding to conflict is. Any recommendations?

    • Vicky Austin

      My therapist recommended me the book Crucial Conversations. It’s…dry. But if you can stick with it, I did learn some useful things.

      • Anon

        This is a good one. Another great one is The Relationship Cure by John Gottman. He talks about “turning toward,” “turning away,” and “turning against” in response to the other person. Sounds like you are “turning against” and maybe this could help. And all of his books talk about defensiveness as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships so you are wise to want to get is under control.

    • Anonymous

      One thing that has helped me are some practical techniques for calming myself down emotionally and physically in the moment, so I can stay present. If your breathing is rapid and shallow, your heart racing, your whole body tense and on High Alert, your mind shutting down because adrenaline is pumping and everything in you is flashing “DANGER!!!” signals, . . . it’s really hard to practice self control and not lash out. Learning how to notice and calm down from that physical response, and practicing it when you’re not in an argument, will help you when you are.

      That buys you time while therapy continues to sort out the underlying issues.

    • Anon

      From the other side- my boyfriend is like you. I have always asked him how he would like me to address things with him because no relationship is conflict free…he has never been able to give me an answer, but if you are able to identify a path that he could take to address complaints with you that ease your defensiveness or aren’t as likely to cause a defensive reaction then it might help.

  17. Anon

    I would say that my approach to COVID has been smart, rule-following, but not overly cautious. I’ve been working in my office the entire time, so was going in and out every day (roommate had previously moved home, so I’m technically living alone). I wear masks and for a long while I only ever saw co-workers. Didn’t visit my family or see friends even from a large distance outdoors with masks, but I also ordered takeout, took a daily walk, had no qualms about doing my own grocery shopping, I never disinfected or “quarantined” my mail/packages/groceries, etc.
    As things have loosened up I’ve done more – picnics in the park with friends, visited high-risk family from a distance outside but visit low risk family normally, did one outdoor restaurant, and got a pedicure. I’m in a state that never fully opened back up and has paused further opening.

    However, I still feel like we (both my area and the country as a whole) opened up way too early, without enough restrictions, etc. and it is making me so angry! There are SO MANY people that forget that we’re still in a pandemic and it drives me nuts! Flattening the curve was not that we can reopen and you won’t get COVID, it’s that when you get COVID there’ll be a vent for you. Rushing to reopen and then having to close again hurts the economy and small business owners. Blatant disregard for following best practices is disrespectful for those of us who sacrificed while we were in the thick of it. I don’t want this to make a resurgence mostly because I don’t want people to needlessly die, but selfishly I also am dreading going back to 90+ hour weeks. I haven’t recovered (mentally) from the first go round, I really do not want to do this again. I don’t even know what my point is, but I just am so fed up with people not following directions; directions that are way too lax; and the knowledge that we’ll be doing this again.

    I see the writing on the wall that we’re going to be back in the thick of it soon, and I’m so upset about it.

    • Anon

      I’m upset too. I saw a meme that said “guess what, miracle cure, you can reduce your grandma’s risk of COVID by 70%! It’s a piece of cloth on your dumb f*cking face.” Even that non-sacrifice is too much for some and I’m over it.

    • anon

      +1 to all of this. I have not been extreme, but I have been cautious. And so many of the people around me are like, “Welp, pandemic’s over! I’m going to do all the things!” I feel like I’m wasting my life and my time trying to be respectful when clearly so many others do not give a damn. It makes it feel like all the lockdowns weren’t even worth it. (I know that’s not logically true, but that’s where I’m at emotionally.) Swear to G*d, if I end up homeschooling again in the fall because of the morons who think they’re special — I am going to lose it.

      • American Girl

        Same. I don’t disinfect my groceries and I’m not paranoid about walking or sitting outside in public spaces, but I really miss my family and it pisses me off that I have to keep sacrificing seeing them because people are going to bars and parties.

        • anon

          Family is a big one for me. My 93-year-old grandpa died 3 weeks ago. I’m convinced it was from loneliness because none of us had been able to visit him since March 1. It guts me every day. But yeah, keep going to bars and house parties, idiots.

          • Hildy

            I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I think the mental health/loneliness impact of all of this is really being ignored. I wish there was more of a focus on figuring out how to let people socialize in safe ways rather than rushing to open bars or for Susan to get her roots done.

          • Anon

            It may have been ignored by our government, but a lot of us have been pleading for people to take this seriously and stop going to bars so we can visit elderly family and attend funerals with some degree of safety.

          • Anonymous

            Gently, you don’t need a government order to visit relatives. I started seeing family after cuomo announced his daughters boyfriend was visiting. Id urge you to go see lonely relatives sooner rather than later.

          • Anon

            I’m so sorry for your loss.

            Anon @ 11:49 – yes, you don’t need a government order to visit a loved one, but if they live in any sort of long-term care facility that facility is likely restricting visitors, which would be beyond her control.

            I have a dear relative who is extremely high risk (dependent on oxygen, on a lung transplant list). I have visited him while staying 10+ feet apart outside, both wearing masks, because he has been so lonely. I also feel terrible for him – he knows his time is numbered and yet he has to spend what could be his last months in isolation. However, once he gets closer to a transplant (hopefully), even these types of visits may have to stop.

      • Anonymous

        Right there with you, down to the homeschooling and the associated lost opportunities (I have a rising ninth-grader who was supposed to enter an IB program, which won’t be an option if we have to homeschool on our own).

        • Anonymous

          I agree that home schooling SUCKS, but if it makes you feel any better, the IB curriculum is just the last two years of high school. It will be okay. (That is my mantra.)

      • Anon

        Yes! I only got a pedicure because I was like I’ve worked very hard and I don’t want to miss out on doing something I really enjoy just because I’m being a perfect COVID behavior martyr, especially since I fear my window to get a pedicure is very small and once it disappears it’ll be gone for months again.

        If idiots are going to ruin everything, I want to do what I can do (Within reason) while its still allowed before they ruin it for all of us again.

        • Anon

          Pedicures are part of the problem. Indoor, not six feet away, different people coming in and out, the very definition of non-essential – could you try an at-home version instead or find a substitute activity that’s safer? Every not-safe, not-essential exception is contributing to the case load we’re seeing in cities that have reopened those kinds of businesses. I’m not writing this to attack you, but to ask you to please reconsider and find a safer substitute that will feel like a treat.

          • No Problem

            Ehhh certainly not essential but also less risky than many other activities. The pedicurist isn’t in your face like she would be for a manicure, or even a waitress serving you food at an outdoor table. As long as both people are wearing masks the risk isn’t very high. Plus she’s paying money to the pedicurist who probably desperately needs it.

          • Anon

            I’m aware it wasn’t the smartest thing I could have done, but I also work closely with the people who made the phased reopening decisions for my city and trust their judgement. I figure if things are open, they’re open for a reason (my city actually has stricter regs than the county / the rest of the state). There were only 2 people in the salon, appointments were mandatory, everyone wore masks and there was a plastic barrier between each chair and between the chair and the person doing the pedicure.

            During stressful times at work, pedicures are my go-to indulgence. I’d just worked the 4 most stressful, busiest months of my life and I wanted to indulge. I totally get that my wanting to treat myself does not trump public safety, and I need to do better in finding ways to treat myself in this brief lull between chaos and months straight of 12-15 hour days, 6-7 days a week.

          • Anon

            I don’t think your particular pedicure was especially risky to anyone, as you’ve described it.No one can do everything perfectly.

          • Anon

            If the goal is to be charitable, you can send money to the salon or pedicurist without receiving the service. I know a lot of people who are doing that.

          • Anonymous

            Why would the goal be charitable? I got a pedicure. Same deal as this poster. Barriers, distance, masks, face shields. Safer then eating out.

          • Anon

            Because someone said above that paying for a pedicure is giving money to someone who desperately needs it.

    • Anon

      agreed. yesterday i had to go to Target and I live in an area where masks are now required in stores. There was a gaggle of teenage girls with masks around their chins/necks…how useful. and a woman and teenager with no masks at all. I did end up saying something to a manager because I thought it was ridiculous.

    • Anon

      Honestly, I think the message of “flattening the curve to allow hospital space” was extremely flawed without additional information. Information that a “mild” case is mild pnuemonia. Information that on average 20% of people who get this will need to be hospitalized. Information that in many places 20% or less of people that have a ventilator make it out of the hospital alive – being on a vent is basically a hope and a prayer to keep you alive. Information that even young mildly sick people are struggling to perform daily functions months later. If you get very very sick, there is a very good possibility your body won’t be the same for a very long time. I feel like too many people are focusing on the death rate and not the quality of life loss – if that message was promoted in the first place people would take it more seriously.

      • Anon

        My friends and I talk about this a lot – we’re young and healthy but we’re also all very athletic, active people. Our fear is that this will impact our lungs for a long while, if not forever. Almost all of our hobbies are active and we’re afraid of losing out on the ability to run half marathons or hike or surf.

        • anon

          +1. Not making a full recovery is my greatest fear. I’ve been so thankful for my fitness-related hobbies these past 4 months and I can’t imagine losing them on top of everything else that this pandemic has taken from me.

          • Anon

            Some anecdata on recovered scuba divers no longer meeting fitness criteria for diving has stayed with me. Yes, that’s probably a very high standard for lung function. But as someone who already has a lot of medical conditions, I’ve also found it sobering to think of how healthy divers were beforehand.

          • Anonymous

            Another +1. Having spent several long stretches of time dealing with asthmatic bronchitis, I know just how much chronic respiratory problems can degrade one’s quality of life. No way am I exposing myself to the risk of permanent lung damage.

      • Anon

        ~40% of people who have it don’t even know they have it because they have no symptoms. Many, many others have cold or flu symptoms that don’t progress to pneumonia. It certainly can be serious even in young, healthy people, but it’s not true that a mild case of Covid is automatically pneumonia. Death rates are lower than hospitalization rates, but it’s still true that the vast majority of people won’t need hospitalization and your odds of a long term impact on your health are very low if you never needed hospitalization (I agree the complication rates are high among those on ventilators, even the ones who survive).

        Remember, there’s confirmation bias. The 30 year olds who have strokes and get paralyzed or get cytokine storm and die get featured in the news. The 30 years old who get asymptomatic cases or mild flu-like illness don’t. So it’s easy read the news and get scared but if you look at the actual stats about hospitalizations, they’re very reassuring for people under 40.

        • Hildy

          +1 to this. We should all be taking this seriously but the serious complications are really not that common. Living in a hot spot I know multiple people who had it, and descriptions run from “like a bad cold but not as bad as the flu”, “the worst flu I’ve ever had” to people who had to be hospitalized/put on oxygen (only people I know in this group are all older than 60). I also know about 20 people who have tested positive for antibodies who had very very mild symptoms (like worked from home for a day or two and that’s it). I don’t put much stock in the antibody tests but it seems unlikely that none of the 20 people had it and all tested positive for antibodies.

          • Anon

            I haven’t seen stats for long haulers yet, but post-viral syndrome after SARS was not rare at all. If it’s much, much rarer with COVID19, it could still be concerningly common. People often underestimate the risk of disabling chronic illness because disabled people have so little visibility in our culture and society. I will not be surprised if some people with long term nerve and tissue damage will end up diagnosed with things like fibromyalgia, POTS, or depression and medically neglected.

      • Anonymous

        Where are you getting these statistics? What I am reading most recently (today) is far less catastrophic and the information about vents seems dated. The doctors I have heard recently have indicated vents were part of the problem, so they are mostly avoiding them at this point now that treatment protocols have evolved.

      • Anon

        The flatten the curve message was at the beginning of this pandemic when we didn’t know those things, though ???

  18. Kk

    This could be crazy but- is anyone else feeling like their feet might be getting bigger, or at least wider, during the stay-at-home period? I’ve been living in sneakers and birkenstocks, when I’m not barefoot, and yesterday when I put on an old favorite pair of flats, they felt really tight and uncomfortable in the toe box and through the mid foot. I’m considering sizing up one or two half sizes in the next few pairs of shoes that purchase- I’ve always thought Altra running shoes were hideous but now I’d actually consider a pair. Is this happening to any of you?

    • Anonymous

      It may be a coincidence. My feet got half a size longer about a year ago, unrelated to pregnancy or weight gain (I had actually lost a bit of weight) or any change in shoe-wearing habits. I think it is a typical part of aging.

    • Monday

      Are you sure it wasn’t just swelling from heat/humidity? Usually feet only get wider in adults from lots of additional use, like when people hike the Appalachian trail or something. (Aside from pregnancy.)

    • Anon

      I went a year exercising only in pseudo-barefoot sandals (thin, flexible sole) in a desperate attempt to avoid the prescription orthotics I had been told to use at all times. I successfully strengthened my arches and no longer need orthotics, but my toe box expanded significantly, and I feel my midfoot did too. Now I have to look for shoes that are normal width in the heel and wider in the toebox. So I believe this can happen from going barefoot.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Is it possible they just felt uncomfortable because you’re used to wearing comfy shoes?

    • Anon

      Yes but I take it as a sign that I shouldn’t have been wearing uncomfortable shoes that my feet have to “get used to” to begin with.

  19. Anonymous

    Fellow attorneys who live and die by the billable hour, I need help. I’m a 4th year litigation associate. Obviously the pandemic is messing with my hours but my firm has been very clear that they expect everyone to bill as normal and if you don’t have enough work to reach out. I VERY MUCH overestimated how quickly things would bounce back and let myself get too behind. I am in a hole I don’t think I can make up over the year, maybe if I truly work my ass off but maybe not even then. I won’t get fired. Just “in trouble”. I put a ton of effort to meet all expectations and stay off anyone’s radar, so this feels very very bad. I feel immense stress and anxiety knowing I will be behind all year and likely not get a bonus or a raise next year as a result. I want to accept it and let it go, as I have seen others do. Any advice?

    • anon

      My advice is to reach out now. Get all the work that you can. Be vocal–and put in emails–that you’re available. Ask a mentor about whether there are partners you haven’t worked with before that you could reach out to.

      You may not be able to make up the hours all the way, but you’ll be in less “trouble” if you are seen as proactive. That will buy you time if you do need to move to another firm. Normally, I’d say you’d have until the end of your 5th year to move, and that you’ll likely see work dry up more and more so there’s a reason on paper to let you go. Things may be different for Covid (they should be), but your firm is acting like they’re not.

    • Anonymous

      Reach out for work and do as much as you can. Showing you are on an upward trajectory heading into next year will help you. You have to mentally let go of the bonus, and chalk it up to the pandemic.

    • Anonymous

      Do some pro bono work if the hours count. It’s rewarding and they are usually grateful and I find it’s easier to do those calls on weekends when I otherwise might not want to work

  20. Moonstone

    A lovely colleague has announced she is in the second trimester for her first baby. I plan to send a card from our team, as we are all working for home the rest of the year. Do you have any ideas about something to accompany the card now? All I can think of is flowers. Everything is complicated by the pandemic — like, does it even make sense to send a physical thing to a pregnant lady’s house? (After the baby is born, we will for sure send a gift card, so this question is just about wishing her well during her pregnancy.)

    • Anon

      All I can think of is another gift card (Amazon, Visa) with a note saying “please spend on maternity items or anything else you would enjoy during your pregnancy” so it’s clear this is not her baby gift too. Flowers aren’t my favorite thing because they’re perishable (and could even exacerbate pregnancy allergies?) but that might just be my preference.

      • Moonstone

        Thanks — She has a big garden in bloom right now, so flowers are probably not the best choice.

    • Anon

      If you know you are sending the gift card eventually I would personally send it now with the card rather than after the baby is born. Now is when they are buying all the baby things and the budget is overwhelming. I mean, once baby comes there will still be plenty to buy so that’s not bad, but I guess given the two choices I would send early?

    • Anon

      I just participated in a “baby shower video” where everyone recorded a short video, uploaded it to a website, and then it was compiled into one big video for the parents-to-be. If your team wants to show support, something like that might be nice?

  21. Anonymous

    Any beach tent/umbrella recommendations? I have a big intense sportbrella thing but it’s hard to set up and still blows away. Looking for lightweight, easy to set up, and for one person.

  22. Anonymous

    What do yall think of that couple in STL that brandished their weapons to BLM protesters passing by? I don’t live in a gated community so I am wondering if having the gate torn down really is a threat like they made it out to be?

    • anon

      For me (grown up in another country), this is just another headscratcher moment around gun culture. Anywhere else, if you think people are trespassing or doing something they shouldn’t do (unclear to me whether they were technically allowed to be on the street in the gated community or not), you call law enforcement. Enforcing the law is not something that belongs in the hand of private citizens, because that leads to mayhem. Breaking rules has to have consequences, but the consequences have to be appropriate to the infraction, and I think gun culture (people thinking it is normal to own and bring out instruments of killing at any point they feel wronged) is an obstacle to the rule of law.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        YES. Aiming guns with your hand on the trigger is 1000% an inappropriate response to people who damaged property. I don’t understand how people think they need to defend from break-ins or theft with a lethal weapon. FFS, call the police and use your homeowner’s insurance for any damages.

      • Anonymous

        The police are being defunded though… who are you going to call? Ghostbusters? I’m getting a gun.

    • Anon

      Insane and it’s clear from the way they were holding those guns that they had no earthly idea how to use them. It’s a blessing nobody was hurt.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. What a reckless, dangerous, stupid thing for them to do. In no way were they under threat. They could have just stayed inside their giant, tacky-af house.

    • Anonymous

      Obviously that they’re insane racists who should lose their jobs and be shunned.

    • Anonymous

      I was shocked that such wealthy people were so poorly dressed and groomed. A five story limestone mansion and dated capri pants. Gross. What I could wear if I had lady’s money…

      Also, they’re violent racists looking for an excuse to maim and kill.

      • Anon

        Hahahaha I seriously love your snarky judgment and I support you in that. (But only toward racist gun nuts, of course.)

      • Anonymous

        Obviously, it would have been correct for the lady to put on her fur coat and sip a glass of wine while watching the festivities from her stoop …

    • Airplane.

      I lived in a gated community all my life growing up. Nothing about my house being in a gated community would make me think it’s ok to do what those people did. Both should be disbarred and she should be removed from ethics committee position.

    • Stl

      This is the most St. Louis thing ever, definitely just racist, terrible people. I live nearby and drive past this house every day. The way it’s set up, it barely looks like a gated community, there’s just a flimsy gate, and this house is on the corner. The house is disgustingly huge and there’s no way these people would have been threatened by the peacefully passing protestors, especially if they stayed inside. I’ve taken walks through this neighborhood when the gate is open. They have their own personal injury firm, but should be disbarred.

    • Anon

      I can’t believe they had their fingers on the triggers of their guns, holy crap that is such bad gun safety. They are also obviously racist, obviously tacky, and obviously huge slobs.

    • Anon

      A protestor pulled out two magazines full of rounds, shook it at them and said “you’re next.” Another threatened to kill their dog, and another said they’d move into the master bedroom after they murdered them. Poor trigger finger control? Sure. Terrible shooting-ready stances? Absolutely. I would 100% be ready with a weapon in the same situation, despite being extremely pro-protest. If we’re defunding the police we’re all going to be in the same boat, so we might as well encourage gun owners to get appropriate training.

  23. Anon

    I have a primary care physician I don’t like. I got her after my mediocre pcp retired (I liked him personally, but not much as a doctor.) My new PCP is brusque, rushed, and spends more time in the examining room updating Epic than she does talking to me. She will interrupt me as I’m answering one of her questions or trying to describe something to her. She hasn’t botched anything major yet but I feel it’s just a matter of time.

    On the other hand, I recently had hand surgery and my hand surgeon is amazing. She listens, she calls me with updates on scans and pathology, she referred me to another doctor (rheumatologist) who got me in the next day due to her personal call to him, and she figured out something that everyone else brushed off as nothing. She doesn’t make me feel like I’m bugging her or am a hypochondriac when I ask a question or describe what has been going on.

    She can’t be my primary care physician because she’s a hand surgeon, but how do I find someone like this?

    And how do I help the hand surgeon know I appreciate her so much, other than telling her?

    • Go for it

      Ask her for a recommendation!
      A handwritten card would be what I would do to show appreciation~ they are a rarity.

    • Anon

      Ask your surgeon or rheumatologist for a recommendation — they know people/other providers. My internal medicine/PCP recommended my new dentist who is similarly awesome and thorough.
      If you want to help the hand surgeon, email the head of the practice or quality committee about your experience. Or leave a review for them on Google reviews/Yelp/local message boards, etc.

  24. mosquitoes

    Let’s play fantasy relocation planning. Where can I move that has easy access to a lake and mountains, with no mosquitoes? Lake Tahoe?

    • Anon

      Lake Tahoe is amazing. I would love to live in the area. Mosquitoes are not an issue there.
      I posted on this a few weeks ago but Bend, OR is my dream with this regard (easy access to Mount Bachelor, maybe not a lake per se but plenty of river). I’ve only been once though so don’t mind me :)
      Unfortunately the responses I got were basically that careers there are nonexistent so you’d have to be 100% remote from a different job.

    • Anon

      Lakes and mountains will always have mosquitos for part of the year, but not too bad. I love Tahoe, but it’s HCOL.

      • Airplane.

        Mosquitoes were not an issue at all in Lake Tahoe when I was young. Has that changed? really depends on where you are coming from, Tahoe seems reasonable COL, my family members in the Southwest are considering it as a good retirement location.

        • Anon

          They are earlier in the spring/summer when the snowmelt is high. I backpack in the Sierras somewhat regularly and the snow levels make a huge difference in the mosquito quantity in the early season.

        • Anon

          There was a Refinery 29 Money Diary from someone who lived in Tahoe. I don’t remember much, but I think she made an average salary.

          • Anon

            Poverty is extremely common in mountain towns. I tend to idyllize them since I love the setting and the ease of my favorite outdoor hobbies there, but there are very high poverty rates and also high rates of SUD and suicide. I think National Geographic did a feature a few years ago about the “suicide belt” in the Western states.

          • Anon

            We vacation in a mountain town for a week each year. We have gotten to know the scene a bit. The town is 50% relatively wealthy people who are either owners or renters of vacation properties, who are mostly only there in the summers, and the other 50% who live there year round.

            The permanent residents live in much less fancy houses, in areas that regularly get flooded during heavy rains, and experience huge problems with addiction, judging from articles in the local paper + the large number of clinics and related low-budget rehab facilities around.

            It is truly a tale of the Haves and the Have-Nots.

      • Anon

        Just to put it out there.. the OP did make a point of saying this was fantasy relocation which presumably does not factor in budget.

    • bellatrix

      I don’t know about mosquitoes, but western NC has mountains and several medium-to-large lakes. Asheville is getting pricey but if you’re okay with rural life and some red neighbors, you can live nicely. Milder winters than the Midwest but not as scorching in summer as the rest of the state.

      • Anon

        People in Alaska joke that the state bird is the mosquito! I love AK but it does not meet the no mosquito requirement at all.

        • Anon

          I live in Alaska and there are hardly any mosquitoes. I obviously know the joke, but it’s not applicable everywhere.

  25. post break up anon

    My last two relationships, which were fairly casual but still, saw me being the dumpee. I’m really trying to do some self reflection and growth. Without sounding like I’m on my high horse, I think I did everything right…or at least tried my best. My self confidence is struggling right now overall because I can’t place a finger on how I could have acted differently. And trying to keep busy is hard at the moment. I feel bad for being a bother to my friends who are okay with low key hangouts, but I really just want to have a nice weekend not being sad. This last guy was truly a great friend in my life too, more than I appreciated when we were in it. I need to get some things back from him eventually so I’m hoping I have the guts to ask him his thoughts on things so I can maybe get some answers for more growth. This is more just a vent post but accepting virtual hugs and giving you all a big one back.

    • Anon

      If you didn’t do anything wrong by your own standards, then this wasn’t the relationship for you. It’s more about the person who broke up with you than you.

      Keep being your awesome self and hold out for someone who appreciates you as you are. You do not need to change to be loved.

      • The original Scarlett

        This. Sometimes other people figure out you’re not meant to be sooner than you do. It’s not that you’re doing something wrong, you just might be more hopeful or more willing to try, or accept things. You don’t need to change – you just need to find your person, which isn’t easy, I get.

    • Anonymous

      You didn’t do anything wrong, they just weren’t a match. Don’t ask for feedback just get your stuff and move on.

    • Amber

      Sending you hugs! Keep your head up – things will get better! I have been there before – it is hard not to feel down when a relationship ends, however casual. I went through a long period of lots of dating, not even a real relationship, but would feel down if a first date didn’t work out and lead to another one. It is easy to think you must be doing something wrong but dating and finding the right person is hard. I always wondered why everyone else could find someone and I couldn’t. But I eventually did and you will too! Just keep putting yourself out there and doing things that interest you to the extent that you can. Treat yourself to ice cream or something fun to help get through today!

    • Anon

      Unfortunately, relationships aren’t school or work where if you just work hard enough you’ll succeed. Because there’s another human being involved who gets to have their own preferences and quirks and human-ness. In addition to the human-ness factor, there’s an element of luck to finding the right person at the right time.

  26. Anon

    Since an inevitable resurgence of COVID is probably happening sooner than most of us would think, what are you doing in this “lull” to prepare for the next go round?

    • Anonymous

      Just continuing to keep food & household items stocked a bit higher than in normal tomes. Purchased a few more masks though that still amounts to only a handful each.

    • Tea/Coffee

      I hate to say it, but the conversations with DH and colleagues are not “IF there’s a new stay-at-home order” but “WHEN there’s a new order.”
      Did essential HVaC maintenance.
      Have restocked nonperishables that we used up during SAHO1. Have stocked things we forgot about (toiletries was a big one).
      Massive online orders of school supplies and kids craft supplies.
      Cancelled gym membership, using funds for an online subscription and will be getting a treadmill asap for winter lockdown
      Need to replace dying home computer in preparation for BOTH kids doing DL at the same time.
      Also, for my sanity, I have dubbed DH the summer camp director, bc being the headmistress of homeschool was enough. I am relishing my summer off (now, only have to be mom and wife and employee and friend and all the other things).
      Still need to get both cars in for maintenance, and move our dentist appts up a bit. Both kids have dental issues so we’re not willing to skip them.
      I think we are probably going to start thinking about Christmas, too. Imagine if delivery availability is somehow compromised, ie anything but medical supplies is deemed non essentiL. Or something like that.

        • Anon

          I’m sorry, I realize that comes off WAY snarkier than I intended. I didn’t mean to suggest that it would be better for Texas to have a pandemic than no pandemic. I just meant to be mildly snarky towards the people who have refused to acknowledge there even is a pandemic. *exits Internet now*

    • Anon

      Taking inventory of supplies (toilet paper, tissues, multi-purpose cleaner, disinfecting wipes, hand sanitizer etc.) and non-perishable food. Also glancing through kids’ clothing and replacing anything they’ve grown out of. Donating a ton to Goodwill while they’re still accepting donations to make room in our tiny home! I’m an educator on summer break, and am trying to relax but am finding it feels more like delaying the inevitable risk of infection once back in a school building. Trying to work on that.

    • Anonymous

      Taking care of a bunch of medical and dental stuff while elective care is still available and relatively safe. Getting new glasses and contacts. Remaining stocked up on food and household goods, while trying not to keep too much in the fridge/freezer because hurricane season is here.

      • anon

        ugh, same. Wanting to be stocked on frozen fruit, but wildfire season apparently means lets shut off the power nowadays. :/

    • Anon

      I guess I’m in the minority but I don’t think we’ll actually get full stay at home orders, except maybe in individual cities that reach hospital capacity. A lot of public health experts feel a second generalized stay at home order won’t be effective because people have quarantine fatigue and would just ignore an order to stay home completely. Many people are willing to change their behavior to be more responsible, but it’s harder to ask everyone to go back to a full lockdown than to aka them to give up bars and gyms and other activities that have been identified as high risk. We also have way more info than we did in March about who spreads the virus and how. This article quotes some health officials from CA expressing a lot of skepticism about fully rolling back, and the red state officials will be even more resistant to it: https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-06-26/despite-alarming-california-coronavirus-spike-dont-expect-a-quick-return-to-stay-at-home-orders

      • Anonymous

        I don’t care whether there’s a stay-home order. When cases spike again in my area, I’m staying home. We are in one of the lucky few states that is actually experiencing a lull, but it won’t last long.

    • Anonymous

      Sadly, we are not in a lull at all — we are still just trying to survive the current onslaught of record cases everyday!

  27. bellatrix

    Condolence notes when you haven’t been in touch with the bereaved in a long time: Weird?

    I just learned that the man who owned the restaurant I worked at in college died a few weeks ago. I was thinking of writing to his family (widow + 3 adult sons) but I haven’t seen any of them in 20+ years. I would have to send a note to the restaurant because I don’t have their home address (I could probably find it on Google but that seems too creepy).

    Similarly, it’s coming up on the death anniversary of a friend who died suddenly in his mid-30s. I went to the funeral, met his parents and offered condolences then, but I still think about him and them. I have their address somewhere but I haven’t been in touch since the funeral (and we really only talked for 5 minutes so it’s not like they would remember me). Weird to write saying something like “I know this must be a sad anniversary too, thinking of you and remembering him”?

    I’m leaning toward yes for the restaurant owner, no for my friend’s parents, but could use some confirmation.

    • bellatrix

      Also: Thank you to everyone who was so kind about my “I’ll work from home forever and I hate it” post the other day. I’m processing, feeling slightly better, and making plans to fix up a spot in the house so I have a better workspace.

    • The original Scarlett

      I’d send both, I think it’s lovely to hear from people who’ve been touched by other people. I don’t think you can go wrong with reaching out.

    • Airplane.

      I think do both. Both are kind sentiments and I’d bet the recipients of these notes would be really comforted by these nice memories you have of their loved ones who have passed.

    • Anonymous

      Do both. I think condolences are generally welcome and comforting even (or particularly) if unexpected, unless they are, like, offensive.

    • Anon

      I am a bereaved parent and I would absolutely love to receive a note from someone telling me how much my child meant to them. If you make it more about relating a fond memory and leaving the anniversary out of it (believe me, they know) but end with that you are, again, so sorry for their loss, I think it would absolutely make their day.

      • Anonymous

        Fellow bereaved parent. Absolutely send it and include an anecdote and that you think of their child. It means the world to us. And use your friend’s name — “Brian” or “Jessica” versus “your son” or “your daughter.” Hearing someone say my child’s name, and that they are thinking of my child (versus just thinking of me and the pain I must be going through) still means so much to me.

    • Pesh

      Definitely send it! If I was that man’s widow, or one of his children, I’d be so touched that someone who worked for him 20+ years ago cared enough to send a card – I’m sure it would mean a lot to them!

    • Vicky Austin

      “Always do the positive” – Jeanne Marie Laskas, who wrote for Reader’s Digest for so many years. I think of this line often. Write to them both! You never know how much good it will do them.

    • Maudie Atkinson

      Send them both. Short of a fully estranged relationship between the family and the person who died (and it sounds like this is not the case), I think virtually anyone would be comforted and delighted by a message expressing your fond memories of their family members. My dad died 14 years ago, but I especially treasure the opportunity to talk to people whose relationship with him was very different from mine. I saw him as a husband and experienced him as a father, but seeing a window into who he was as a friend, a colleague, a coach or mentor is really precious.

    • Anonymous

      I learned, when my mom passed away, that a simple (and seemingly inadequate) sympathy card is actually very helpful. It doesn’t matter how “lame” it seems to the sender, or how long it’s been since I had contact with the sender, or even whether I really remember or knew the sender. Now I don’t hesitate to send them.

      • Anonymous

        I so agree. My Dad passed away this year in April, so 10 people at his funeral. He was involved with a number of organizations until he passed away. The online remembrances from people and the sympathy cards meant more than I would have thought. I will never hesitate to send a card again, and will actually go out of my way now to send one.

    • bellatrix

      This is heartening, thank you! With my friend’s parents, my concern is more about them thinking it’s weird that I have their address – I grew up thinking of addresses as public information but they’re not that way anymore. But if the comfort of a note outweighs the weirdness, I’ll go for it. He really was such a good soul and I miss him.

      • Anon

        They’re definitely still public information in the sense that it is very easy to find them.

      • Anon

        It definitely outweighs it. My mom passed away a couple of years ago and one of her school friends from elementary through high school wrote me a card telling me about some of the things she and my mom used to get up to. I have no idea how she found my address but I’m so, so glad I have that card.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think the friend’s parents will worry too much about how you got their address. They will only think it’s weird that you have their address if your note is strange and stalker-ish, but your note sounds lovely and normal. They will be touched to hear from you.

    • Lana Del Raygun

      It’s not weird, and lots of people disappear when there’s a death so doing the opposite is lovely. Send them both a little note about how great the deceased was, how much they meant to you, whatever feels authentic.

  28. Anonymous

    I am at my wits end with apartment and city living specifically elevators. They are CONSTANTLY full now as my building is doing construction, people are coming and going all day with their dogs and coffee and friends; no longer can you get your own elevator even if you’re willing to wait — you might have to let 15 of them pass which gets old with heavy groceries as I still shop to stock up. I wear a mask and most people do but some don’t and as these things go the elevator always stops someplace on the way down and an unmasked person gets on. A few times I’ve gotten off and waited on that floor — and then left with the feeling of — no way did we pass 6 ft apart as I got off and he got on as the elevator doors aren’t that wide. And then once I ended up having to ride with a maskless guy who was carrying his mask and wouldn’t put it on even when I said something.

    I’m sure everyone in NYC is dealing with this as people relax (as well as DC, Boston) but how much does it “bother” you? Like if you end up in an elevator with an unmasked person or someone stands RIGHT next to you at self checkout and the most distance you can give yourself is a foot. Do you stew over it or is it like — eh it was 2 min, I wasn’t sitting down to dinner with them for an hour.

    Like I’m over it like ready to buy a house today even though I don’t want a house, nor can I survive an hour+ long suburban commute (I know we aren’t going back to normal anytime soon but I suspect we will even if it takes a year or 2 — I cannot see myself doing LIRR or NJT for the long haul but I also know that you can’t buy a house today and then sell it when your job requires you back in the office FT in 2022 because you will lose $ esp given that houses in the suburbs right now are going for all cash over asking). Please tell me I’m being over anxious here??

    • Anon

      I’m sorry. I would ask your building to enforce masks in elevators and if you’re not on too high of a floor, can you take the stairs at least going down, in order to halve your risk?

      I am also not above yelling at someone to put on a mask, at least in the elevator.

    • Anon

      Gently, you do seem over-anxious about this elevator thing. I’ve seen you post this question or variations on it several times now. I don’t blame you – we’re all dealing with a ton of stress and we latch onto strange things, but you have to find a way to deal with this. Wear your mask, practice some phrases like “do you mind waiting for the next elevator so we can maintain distancing? If you’re in a rush, I’ll wait” when you see an unmasked person getting on, and otherwise, let it go. Can you take the stairs sometimes?

    • Anon

      You specifically asked how much does it bother me/us. I don’t stress about passing someone at 6 feet, even indoors. (Anyway, I’ve heard 6 feet might not even be enough and 13 feet might be needed, which is clearly impossible.) If you are at high risk due to health these are certainly concerns, but even going out for groceries is problematic then. If not, you are being way overanxious. How long are you even in the elevator with a maskless person, anyway?

      • Anon

        Meant to say, passing someone at less than 6 feet doesn’t bother me. 6 feet is pretty arbitrary.

    • Anonymous

      Regardless, your only choice is to proceed as you have been, take the stairs, or move. (Though you should ask building management to enforce masks.) That’s all that is within your control. Getting stressed over it does nothing but weaken your immune system—so if you choose to stay, for your own sake, you have to choose to let this go. Yes, wait when you can, ask people to put on their masks, but don’t get angry/anxious.

      You do have housing options other than a house in the suburbs. Have you considered moving to a lower floor (so you can take stairs or shorten the elevator ride), choosing a smaller building with more elevators per person, or looking for an apartment/townhouse with a door that goes directly outside?

    • FormerlyPhilly

      I feel you and it bothers me a lot. My spouse and I are living in an apartment in NJ suburbs outside of NYC and it’s enraging and terrifying. Some people don’t wear masks in hallways/common areas, invite guests over, who knows what. I called the local department of health and filed a complaint with the state health department because the building had pool contractors working unmasked in the courtyard yesterday (they entered the courtyard through the hallways unmasked as well); I copied our village mayor. I’m over it as this has been repeated offense with landscaping company as well and one on-staff maintenance worker. Living in an apartment during a pandemic is a unique kind of torture. However, I recognize that I’m privileged WFHer who can stay indoors for most of the time.

      We put an off on a house in the suburbs and expect to hear back today. We are lucky to be able to throw money at the problem (not that much money, but we offered over asking price and all sorts of other shenanigans to make it appealing – you know, the real estate industrial complex at it’s finest). Everyone is trying to buy a house right now. If we don’t have luck by mid-August — when we need to notify apartment building if we’re staying or renewing lease– we plan to rent a house/condo in the burbs. Someplace with our own front door.

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